#logging out again to cry myself to sleep xx

[sassbuttuniverse-blog]

Life after College

It's currently 5:44 in the morning, and no i am not a morning person. I haven't gotten any sleep yet because surprise surprise, at the age of 23, my sleeping schedule still sucks. I found myself logging on to this tumblr account. I guess I just really feel alone at the moment. Life update everyone, I am now a degree holder - plus plus plus *insert drum roll please* I am now also a license holder. Yes you heard it right, this procastinator passed the board exam for psychometrician. Duuuuude, i don't even know where to begin. So last year after graduating college, i got a job as an HR assistant for a veterinary clinic/cafe. I thought I was already set for life like yes-i'm-finally-an-adult-kind-of-moments, but ofuckingcourse, the universe hates me still and gave me a job that not only is morally depriving, but also mentally exhausting. Imagine working in a company where everyone knows each other because it's literally a castle of nepotism. Everyone is related to one another - yes related, as in they're all relatives. Blood relatives. It's hard to work as an HR when i have to give out sanctions to normal employees and let the bosses and other employees in the back office do whatever they want to do without any consequences. I felt caged, like going to work everyday is like a punishment to me. I even cry in shower because of how I dread going to work everyday. I cry to my boyfriend, to my friends, to my sister, and everyone inside my circle. On top of that miserable chapter of my life, my HR manager was a bitch who makes it her mission everyday to piss me off and let me do ALL the work while she just sits there all day doing nothing and takes all the credits for my hardwork. You know those type of adults that doesn't know how to move on from being a mean girl in highschool. She's like that. She thinks she's cool and all being loud and making fun of everyone. Fuck that shiiit. Long story short i only lasted for 3 months. I know, how pathetic. But I was literally losing my mind there and I felt that if I stayed I might get fired anyways because they don't like me. Why? Because they can't control and manipulate me into doing the things they want me to do. Which most of it are illegal anyways. No thanks, i'm good. See you never, assholes. So after resigning at my job, i decided to enroll in a review center to pursue my journey in getting the psychometrician license. To be honest, i think 80% of my reason on why i decided to pursue it is because I wanted to have an excuse on why I resigned. Like I'm convincing myself and the people around me that it's okay that i'm unemployed, I'm doing something more important anyways. I studied for 8 months and luckily i was able to pass the board exam last August. I was so happy and proud of myself. But it didn't last long because here I am now, after 3 months of passing the board exam, I'm still unemployed. I don't know why but i stopped looking for jobs online. I just stopped functioning. I feel like no job is suited for me. I want to practice my license and profession but there is no opportunity here. I kept looking online and the only jobs there is are all corporate related. Yes, HR again. I don't want to be an HR officer again, i dread it, like it makes me physically and mentally ill just thinking about it. So now I'm stuck and unmotivated and sad and all the other shitty feelings there is in this world. I feel like everyone around me is starting their lives already and I'm still here. Stuck. I wish I could start my life now too.

Anyways, future me, if you're reading this i hope you have a job already. You're not getting any younger, I hope you pull your shit together already. Make us proud. Live this life. Explore, travel, and meet other people. Don't hide in the house and rot in your room. Go to cafes, watch that movie in the cinema. Eat alone if no one wants to come with you. Just live. 23 year old us is currently a loser so I hope you're doing better there. Love you xx

[lyramarisa]

logging on for the first time in two years to say that im fucking livid

[laurie-stark]

Bags

(not my gif)

Summary: After another duffle bag of supplies washes up on shore, the girls realize that they’re going to be stuck here for a while. Episode six rewrite. 3.0k words. 

Pairings: Toni Shalifoe x fem!reader 

Warnings: Swearing, throwing up

A/N: Okay listen I just wanted Toni fanfic but no one was writing it so here you go. Also I really tried too hard to get the bed sharing trope LEAVE ME ALONE I LIKE IT PSLFDLJ (this is your reminder to turn on Interactivefics xx) oh and also theres a bit in here thats heavily inspired by @ drewstarkeys Toni fic which you all should go read asap its amazing. 

This was weird. It was really fucking weird. It had only been four days since we found Jannette’s grave empty. Four days since we found a clean water source. The longer we stayed on this god forsaken island, the more it felt like we were never getting off. And now another round of duffle bags have shown up. You know, as crazy as I think she is sometimes, Leah’s starting to have a point. Something is way off about this place. 

Nora and Rachel were the ones who spotted the bags. They washed up on the rocky side of the beach, covered in weeds. Dot was hoping for some more food, maybe more medicine if we were lucky. But to all our confusion, all the bags contained were blankets and pillows. Ten pillows and five blankets, Dot so cheerfully announced. My first red flag was that the insides were completely dry. I didn’t want to say anything though. I was sure there was a reason for this.

“There’s enough shit here for us to double up,” Dot told us while Nora and I laid out the makeshift beds. “Except for one person who gets to sleep alone.” 

“Well that’s not fair, why does one person get a bed all to herself?” Rachel asked, standing up defensively. 

I rose to my feet as well. “Why don’t we rotate it?” I suggested, hoping to relieve some of the tension. “W-with our off days. That way whoever’s off can have an extra good night’s sleep before they have to work again?” The girls all nodded their heads and mumbled words of agreement. Rachel sat back down on her log. 

“Great idea y/n. So who’s bunking with who?” Dot asked. Rachel and Nora instinctively reached out for each other. Beside me, Toni looked to Martha. Martha gave Toni a weary look before reaching a hand out in the opposite direction. Towards Shelby. Even I had to stop myself from dropping my jaw. 

Fatin gleefully agreed to pair with her “new bestie for the restie,” Dot. That left myself, Toni and Leah. I glanced between them. Leah was avoiding my eye and Toni...Toni just looked mad. It’s not that I don’t like Leah, I just don’t know her. Not that I know Toni any better, but at least Toni hasn’t gone batshit crazy more than once. On the other hand though, I didn’t find Leah unbelievably beautiful the way I did with Toni. And Toni would never want to bunk with me anyway. I crossed my arms, not doing a very good job at hiding my uncomfortableness. I was about to open my mouth to ask Leah to share when Toni called my name. 

“Y/n,” I turned to face her, eyes wide. “You’re with me?” I nod and swallow hard. Fuck. 

The sun was getting lower and lower in the sky, just like our food supply. Rachel offered to go foraging for something meatier in the morning, so at least I could look forward to that.

I shuffled under the blanket Toni and I shared. “Sorry you got stuck with me,” I whispered. “I can go sleep with Shelby if you want, so you can be with Marty?” 

“Nah,” Toni shook her head. “I don’t mind. Besides, I don’t really think Marty wants anything to do with me right now.” I didn’t know what to say. I felt bad for her. A lifetime’s worth of friendship thrown out of the plane. Literally. 

I wondered if anyone else was awake. The light from the fire was enough to see everyone’s feet but that’s about it. I still wasn’t accustomed to how dark it got at night. I was limited to just my hearing after the sun went down. I would try not to listen though. The more you listen, the more you realized how we definitely were not alone out there. Focusing on Toni’s breathing beside me was enough to keep me sane.

Couldn’t say the same for Leah though. She sat straight up and I thought she got bit by a crab or something. 

“Does anyone else think that this is crazy?” She asked us.

Fatin groaned. “Leah, we got into a plane crash. Is that not enough crazy for you?” 

“No seriously Fatin, what the fuck is going on?”

“What are you talking about,” Dot sat up. 

“I mean these,” Leah held up a fist full of her blanket. “Where did they come from? Do none of you think that something’s up?” 

I pushed myself upright. “I’m starting to agree with Leah.”

“Oh God, not you too,” Dot flopped back down onto her back. 

“No, think about it,” I started. “A bag with medicine just happens to show up? And then we find Jannette’s grave empty!? And now these duffles appear with nine peoples worth of blankets and shit? Who brings that to a resort retreat? That’s weird. It’s really fucking weird.” Everyone was sitting up at this point, staring at me. “I didn’t say anything when we opened them, but these things were dry. Everything bone dry. Rachel and Nora found the bags on the shore, like they were washed up. They should have been soaking. Hell, they should have sunk!” I took a shaky breath in. “Every day we stay here the more it feels like we’re not leaving. It’s like someone wants us to stay here. I know I sound crazy but come on!”

“Y/n...” 

“We don’t even remember the crash!”

“We all blacked out.”

“That’s not how plane crashes work though!” I realized how loud I had gotten. I noticed how Nora was sitting, hugging her knees tight. Shelby’s face was pale, even in the orange glow from the fire. I closed my eyes. “This isn’t my first crash.” I kept my eyes shut. I didn’t need to see their faces while I told this story. “I got into another one like eight or nine years ago. The engines broke and we crashed in a forest somewhere near Chicago. And I remember it all. I remember the engines failing, and the plane falling and the back coming off when we hit the trees. I didn’t black out until I was on the ground. So yeah, I think something is fucking off. This isn’t right, none of this is right! We shouldn’t be here, we shouldn’t-” 

I started to choke on my own words. I think I was starting to throw myself into a frenzy. Something grabbed at my hand. It was Toni. She looked me in the eyes. There was something in her gaze that told me I was safe. Told me to calm down.

“Okay,” Dot said slowly. “I think we’re all starting to lose it a little bit Y/n. And no sleep isn’t gonna help. Let’s all try to get some shut eye, yeah?”

I nodded profusely and flipped onto my side, embarrassed now from that outburst. I guess I didn’t realize how far off the rails I’d been slipping. Silently, I started to cry.

I tried to stay as far away from Toni as possible. With my back to her, I figured that my crying could be somewhat camouflaged. I was very wrong.

“Hey,” Toni murmured. When I didn’t respond, she tugged on my shoulder to roll me over. I quickly wiped the tears off my cheeks. I couldn’t look at her directly. Her gaze softened. I realized then how close we were. Even in pitch darkness, I could still make out the outline of her face, her cheeks, her nose, her lips- I prayed she couldn’t hear how loud my heart was thumping. Toni reached a hand out and brushed another tear away. Had I started crying again? Jesus I was so far gone. “I know how you feel. I wanna get out of here too.’ I said nothing.

Toni moved to create some more space and put her arm out. I looked at her, questioning, though I doubt she could see my face. “Come here,” she said quietly. “I heard what you told us yesterday, about what your mom says? Sometimes you just need a hug.” I nearly started crying again right there. Slowly, I squirmed closer until my body was curled into hers. I smiled inwards. Besides the fact that my heart was trying to beat right out of my chest, I felt better. We both drifted off soon after.

 I woke up to the sun shining way too bright and the sound of…snickering? I opened my eyes and tried not to get totally blinded by the light. I looked up to see Nora, Fatin and Dot standing over me, all chuckling.

“What?” I mumbled. I must have woken Toni up because she started moving underneath me.

Oh.

That’s why they were laughing.

I had fallen asleep curled into Toni’s side and woken up completely entangled with her. It wasn’t a one-sided thing either, she was holding on to me for dear life. What. The. fuck. I jolted upright, maybe a little too fast because the three girls around us started to laugh more.

“Good morning love birds,” Fatin cooed.

“Shut up,” Toni said, using a hand to shield her eyes. “We were conserving heat.”

“Yeah, what she said,” I smiled. “Is it breakfast already?”

“Not quite,” Dot shrugged. “Martha and Shelby are still getting some berries and shit.”

“Oh well in that case I’m going back to bed,” Toni grunted, rolling over. Her and I were on water duty today, so technically we had no need to be up before breakfast anyway. Dot and the girls made their way back to the fire. I was half awake though. Might as well start the day early too. Except that Toni seemed to have other plans.

Before I had the chance to get up Toni was tugging at my arm, silently asking me to come lay down. I gave in immediately. “Come keep me warm,” she mumbled. And so I did. As I laid my head down onto her chest, I noticed Shelby looking at us. She turned away when she met my gaze, but there was something behind her eyes. Disgust. Great, just what we needed. Stranded in the middle of nowhere with a fucking homophobe.

“Do you think Shelby is homophobic,” I asked lowly.

“I dunno, maybe? Why?”

“No reason, I just….That would be pretty awkward if she was.”

“Yeah…”

 Nora woke me up a second time that day for breakfast. We ate in silence like we had done for the last few days. Food was running short and we were getting antsy. Toni and I broke away from the group after we ate with half of Fatin’s luggage bag. We trekked up and through the forest towards the waterfall. Neither of us said a word the whole trip. I was starting to overthink. Like, heavily overthink. In normal circumstances, overthinking might be appropriate. The night before was…not normal. But these were not ordinary circumstances. The middle of nowhere is probably the best place to have not normal and still be fine. Whatever. Right? Was it weird? Does she think I’m some weird crybaby now? Was that just a pity hug? Am I going absolutely crazy for no reason?

I’d gotten so wrapped up in my thoughts, I didn’t even notice we’d arrived back at camp. As Toni and I got to work, filling bottles to boil, Rachel was shouting from the top of a cliff. She was holding up a sack of something, I couldn’t quite make it out.

“Who’s ready to fucking feast?”

Mussels. Rachel found mussels. Now, I’d never been one for survival training but the one thing I knew was that seafood was a no.

“I really don’t mean to be a bubble burster, it’s just that seafood can be really dangerous,” I explained. Rachel looked like she wanted to take my head off. “And we do not have the vicinities to properly prepare these.”

“So what, you’re saying I’m trying to poison all of us?” Rachel challenged.

“No! No, no, not at all Rach. This was a great find, you did good.” I smiled wearily. “All I’m saying is that maybe someone should sit this one out, you know? Just in case. If we’re all sick then we’ve got no chance.”

“Great then who’s gonna be the starving one?”

“I don’t mind. I got berries.”

 Turns out Shelby wouldn’t eat either. An allergy, I think she said. It felt good to see everyone this happy. Leah was genuinely smiling, Dot seemed a little less stressed. For a second it felt like we were actually on the retreat we were supposed to be on. Toni started to make out with her mussels. Or…well you know, with them. We all found it hilarious. Except for Shelby...

“Fuck you.” And with that Toni was off, running down the beach. I myself was on the brink of tears. Some churches man…they’ll brainwash even the best of 'em. I stared at the sand, not sure where to go. I wanted to chase after Toni, I wanted to stay right here and hide in the sand. The rest of the girls had gone quiet too.

“What?” Shelby asked. “Am I not allowed to have my own beliefs?”

“Not those ones,” I spat. I pushed myself up and jogged around the bend.

I saw Toni near the shoreline. She had her feet in the water. Cautiously, I crept up behind her. I didn’t want to startle her. “You good?”

Toni turned and her stance signaled she was ready for a fight. Her shoulders relaxed when she realized it was just me. “Yeah. No. Whatever, I just need a break from barbie bitch.”

“Yeah, you and me both,” I chuckled. “Will you though? Be okay?”

“You don’t need to worry about me. I’m fine.” She looked back out at the sea.

“G-good. Okay, I, uh…good, I’m glad,” I was muttering. I mutter when I’m nervous. Avoiding eye contact, all that fun stuff.

“Why are you so nervous?” Shit. So she did notice. “I mean you’re chill around everyone else but you get all twitchy around me. What’s with that?” She paused and her face fell a bit. “Do I scare you?”

“Oh god no,” I grasped her hand. “No I promise Toni, I’m not scared of you.”

“Then what?”

I look down at my toes. “I-I um…you-“ I swallow hard. “You’re pretty.”

She didn’t say anything and I was about ready to jump into the ocean and never come back. And then she laughed. She fucking laughed! Oh my god I was going to cry. I felt like I had just been publicly rejected in middle school all over again.

“That was cute,” Toni said, still chuckling a bit. I looked her dead in the eyes and she wasn’t kidding.

“Okay, I’m gonna go back now.” I turned on my heel and started walking back, very briskly might I add. I could not believe that just happened. 

“Yeah me too-“Toni cut herself off and started heaving. I looked back. Toni was throwing up her entire stomach and then some. I rushed to her side, brushing the hair from her face. In the distance, I could see Rachel throwing up too. Oh Jesus Christ.

Shelby and I spent the rest of the day running from girl to girl, holding hair and passing out water. It was one huge haze of running back and forth, trying to make sure no one died. I knew that the mussels were a bad idea. God, how could I be so stupid? This was all my fault. Once Dot resurfaced from the dead, she took charge. Leah was sent to go find the medical bag while Dot and I boiled more water. She had me look over Toni and Marty while she took after the twins.

Toni was not good. By the time I got back to her, she was practically lifeless. Fatin was trying to get her to drink some canned water but it wasn’t working. Matha, who was equally unwell sat by idly, crying into her can of water and trying not to throw up again. I pulled Toni off of Fatin and into my lap, trying to get her to drink the water from my bottle. She kept turning her head away or pushing my hand. I pulled her closer and upright with one arm and got Fatin to hold her face in one place.

“Drink,” I told her. She couldn’t even speak but she shook her head. “Toni, drink. Please. You need to rehydrate for me okay?” I got her to drink a little, but she just couldn’t swallow. Martha started crying at some point. Luckily, Leah made it back with the medicine. 

Trying to fight Toni into taking the pill was not working Especially not when everyone started crowding and screaming at myself and Dot. Shelby crouched to our level and took the pill from Dot. This only made things worse. No way in hell was Toni ever going to accept anything from Shelby. But blondie wasn’t going down without a fight. In one motion, she’d shoved me out of the way and climbed on top of Toni, dropping the pill into her mouth and forcing her to swallow. 

 Night fell and everyone was exhausted. Toni hadn’t woken up since Shelby drugged her and honestly I was getting a little worried she died in her sleep or something. Martha wasn’t looking too hot either. She’d broken into a sweat despite the cold of the night. Everyone else is tucked into their respective beds, dead silent. The cold night air made it easier to relax. After a day like today all i wanted to do was curl up next to Toni and never wake up. 

Beside me, Toni started to stir. The weight I’d been carrying finally lifted off my shoulders. “Toni?”, I chimed. “Are you alive?”

“No,” she grumbled as she sat up, rubbing her eyes. I didn’t give her a moment more to readjust to life before I tackled her in a hug.

“Oh my god, you’re okay.” She laughed at me again, but this time I didn’t mind. Cause she wasn’t dead. Or close to dying. I pulled her back down on top of me. She fell asleep again in my arms. I smiled down at her. Once again, there was a moment where I wasn’t in living hell. It was just me and Toni. Somewhere safe. And warm, preferably. Everything was going to be okay.

 And then Marty dropped dead.

[jovialyouthmusic]

The Many Lives of Drake Walker

A Royal Romance Multiple AU fanfic

What is it like for the virtual characters when the worst that can happen is not all it seems?

Word Count 124

A/N You really need to read the previous chapter - and a whole load of other stuff. If you just read this on its own it probably won’t make a lot of sense.

Warning - just a little smutty, not much, no under 18s please

Many thanks to @fromthedeskofpaisleybleakmore whose fic ‘Snatched’ inspired this work and the previous one. She has read and approved both pieces - thankyou darling xx

Termination Part 2

The next day in the evening I checked in again. Bastien answered 

‘Hi Les, he’s sleeping right now but come over, it’s about time he woke up’ 

‘Okay, let’s hope the journey isn’t as rough this time’ Bastien grinned apologetically

‘No promises, but practice makes perfect’ I closed my eyes and touched my hand to his on the screen. It was a little smoother but still unpleasant. Still, that meant I had a good excuse to lean into the handsome guards’ arms and linger for a moment. I smiled up at him, and he arched his eyebrows. We stood in the cabin in front of the fireplace, a warm log fire on the go.

‘It’s good to see you again’ he said ‘I’m waiting for the next chapter you know’ he winked ‘can you give me a teaser?’ I gazed at him – his handsome profile, his dark hair neatly pushed back, his freshly laundered shirt and immaculately pressed suit. Reluctantly I drew myself away. Drake needed me, and I’d never do anything to hurt him. Bastien was too utterly perfect, I could perhaps hold on to him for a short while, but I’d exhaust myself living up to him. With Drake I could be myself, be comfortable.

‘I – uh, you know I could swear you were trying to lead the storyline. Sophia definitely was, I tried to write something fluffy but…’ I sighed and inclined my head ‘She’s a determined woman, and absolutely besotted with you’ Bastien laughed

‘Thankyou for building up my reputation, and for writing such a wonderful companion’ he said ‘I look forward to playing the next scene, whenever it comes out’ I pulled myself together.

‘Okay, I’d better go up and see him. Has he eaten or drunk anything?’

‘Nothing to eat since you were here, but he’s had plenty of water. When you come down I’ll make something – you can take coffee up though, I just made some.’ He went into the kitchen and reappeared with two cups, and I carried them out into the corridor and onwards to the door of Drake’s room. Putting one down, I knocked softly and opened the door. The curtains were drawn shut and I heard him stir in the darkness. He switched on the light and sat up, blinking. 

‘Les!’ he said ‘come on in – can I smell coffee?’ 

‘Mmm hmm – Bas said he’ll make something to eat if we go through to the lounge. Drake rubbed his eyes and I sat on a chair with my cup after setting his in the bedside table. He was bare chested and my heart lurched a little at the sight.

‘Why don’t you join me?’ he asked ‘I promise not to take advantage of you’

‘Well then what’s the point?’ I joked, glad he was feeling more himself. He grinned

‘Seriously, come and cuddle’ He threw the bedclothes back and I saw he was wearing boxer shorts. I felt stupidly shy, but I took my shoes off, went over and climbed in next to him. It felt heavenly as he drew me close and pulled the duvet up over us. He smelled of pine smoke and leather, and his bare skin was warm. I couldn’t recall ever feeling so safe and happy as I snuggled into him.

‘How are you feeling?’ I asked 

‘Better for you being here’ he said, and suddenly caught his breath ‘You’d better brace yourself, another chapter just came out.’

‘Oh, I can’t read it from here. Do you feel it?’

‘I can ignore it but I still get the feedback’ he replied ‘I think – just stay with me, please’ His arm around me tightened and I listened to his breath. It was unsteady, as if he was trying not to cry. ‘She – it’s a scene by the – my – graveside’ he said unsteadily ‘I’m not there obviously, but I can still feel it because she’s talking about me, talking to me… it’s very touching – but rough.’ 

He let go of me suddenly and drew away from me, curling into a ball. I crouched over him, holding him as he shuddered. ‘It’s over’ he said blankly, and again a tear squeezed out of his eye. 

‘It’s okay, you’re here, I’m here. I’ve talked to her, she doesn’t like hurting you’ 

‘But why?’ she said, his voice cracking ‘why?’

‘I can’t tell you’ I said sadly ‘and she doesn’t know why either’ He drew a long breath and grabbed my hand, holding it tightly. We sat in silence for a while, and suddenly I felt him twitch.

‘Hold on – there’s something else.’ He lifted his head ‘he – I – he’s back – he’s – uh it’s weird’ he sat up. ‘It was – it was something that was going to happen, but now it’s not.’ I sat back, looking at him, watching his face changing, clearing.‘I’m back. He’s alive’ he started to laugh ‘They’re changing the future and – and he doesn’t die. He – I’m alive!’

‘Wow’ I said ‘Oh my god. Will that happen every time it gets read?’

‘No, it’s just more intense the first time. It’s more like acting after the first time.’ He beamed ‘Wow, well that was a turn of events.’ He shook his head ‘That was a rollercoaster’ He turned to me, taking my face in his hands and kissed me full on the lips, enthusiastically. I looked back at him, a little shocked. It wasn’t our first kiss, but…

‘Drake…’ his expression changed – it was serious, tender. He kissed me again, softly, and I melted into it. It was soft and short and sweet, and he repeated it, little kisses that started to roam across my face to my cheek, my neck, and I let my head drop back, sighing with bliss. He stopped and looked at me again, hands holding my face. 

‘Is this okay?’ he asked ‘I want to…’

‘I know’ I whispered ‘So do I’ He nodded, and our lips met again, this time with his hands going to the hem of my tshirt, lifting it up and I struggled out of it, lips parting only long enough to take it over my head… 

Dear reader, I do find myself writing more smut than I ever thought I was capable of. You will forgive me if I gloss over what happened next, because – well, that’s me in bed with Drake Walker. I could write the most sublime mind blowing scene I’m capable of – but I don’t feel I should. Of course I want it to be perfect, but it feels – personal, private, and effectively I’m also (virtually) cheating on my SO.  Let’s just say that it wasn’t the most perfect moment ever, but it was pretty damn close, and maybe it was because of the release of emotion from what he’d just been through – and me too if I’m honest.

Let’s just say (after suspending disbelief) that we both enjoyed it, without guilt or shame, that there were a few fumbles and hiccups along the way – just like it really is. I’m no sex goddess and maybe Drake isn’t a sex god, but as he’s virtual, we can make him any way we like. And I’d like him to be funny and sweet and gentle, passionate and loyal and considerate. And slightly imperfect, because perfection is not achievable IRL. Because when you’ve done something perfect, what next? It doesn’t mean we should stop striving for perfection – for me the journey is just as important as the goal – and the goal may change…

@emceesynonymroll @sirbeepsalot @katedrakeohd

@carabeth @cora-nova @bobasheebaby 

@stopforamoment @annekebbphotography

@drakeandcamilleofvaltoria @burnsoslow @missameliep

@debramcg1106 @fromthedeskofpaisleybleakmore

@indiacater @livingthroughchoices @mfackenthal @notoriouscs

@pug-bitch @ritachacha @classylady1234 @furiousherringoperatortoad

@ladyangel70 @kenaxval @crookedslimecreatorpasta @dcbbw

@be-still-my-aching-heart @hopefulmoonobject @pedudley 

@endlessly-searching-for-you @aworldoffandoms @tornbetween2loves

@drakesensworld @iplaydrake

[floofdjh]

Better Than Me - Chapter 3

{Summary: Dan Howell is a camboy. At only eighteen, he’s already become popular on many porn websites and has been involved with a magazine. Desiring for someone to trust to create his darkest fantasies with, he downloads Tinder, where he meets the sweetest man alive. But surely this man could find someone better than Dan, couldn’t he? AO3 | Wattpad

Genre: fluff, angst, (eventual) smut, (eventual) romance, (a little bit of) slow burn

Word count: 2,772

Notes: thank you for all the support of this fic :)))

Dan ended up napping until late in the evening, still on Phil’s lap. He woke up a few hours later, sleepily blinking his eyes open and looking at the TV. The movie was way past over and was now playing some crappy late night show.

“You up?” Phil asked, watching him stir.

“Mm?” Dan turned his head to look at him. His fringe was a bit messy and he seemed to have napped too. Phil fetched his phone from the coffee table and checked the time.

“It’s getting dark, love, you want to spend the night?”

As much as Dan wanted to say yes, he shook his head no. “Don’t wanna sit around to bother you.”

He didn’t wanna be a bum, and he also knew he had to film a video early tomorrow before work, so if he stayed, the morning would be a little rushed. Plus, Dan didn’t know how much longer he could be around Phil without speeding up their relationship because he really, really just wanted to make out with those beautiful lips Phil had, with the perfect shade of pink and the perfect angles of his cupid’s bow. But he restricted himself and decided it was far too early.

“I have to work too.”

He hesitantly rose up from Phil’s lap, yawning and stretching. Phil stood up beside him and fixed his hair with his fingers, awkwardly watching Dan collect his things.

“I had a lot of fun, Phil,” Dan assures him.

“So did I,” Phil brightly smiles, and Dan chuckles a little bit at his tongue sticking out from his teeth.

They walk to Phil’s door and Dan doesn’t know what to do. Does he hug Phil, or kiss him, or shake his hand again?

“Goodnight Phil,” he mentions, aiming for a side hug. He supplies him a quick peck on the cheek, making his own cheeks burn and his dimple deepen.

“Goodnight Dan. Make sure you text me when you get home safe,” Phil says, grinning and blushing as well.

Dan found that sweet. He smiled at the ground as he left his flat, making his way to the stairs. He took a quick tube ride home, discovering they didn’t live too far from each other. Once he got home, he set his things on the island of his kitchen and made sure to send the text.

Dan: i’m safe at home you nerd

Phil: <3 Dan felt warm and bubbly. Phil made the date a thousand times better than the anxiety in his head told him it was going to be. They had a lot of fun chatting, walking, and eventually napping on Phil’s couch.

While Dan got ready for bed, he inspected his deemed ‘rosy patch’ in the mirror, and decided it was his new favorite part of his body. He curled up in bed in only boxers, opening his blog and reblogging from his dashboard here and there, supporting some other camboys and promoting the newest magazine issue for the company he’d been working for. His feature in the magazine wasn’t posted, but he hoped his boost would draw attention to his fans and make them want to purchase the magazine.

Once he settled in his covers, he answered some quick messages on his Tumblr blog.

Anonymous asked: where were you all day? :’( camboydan answered: kissing boys Anonymous asked: Your captions are funny. What’s your favorite one you’ve written? camboydan answered: probably the gif of me borderline fisting myself with the caption “me thinking about your dad” Anonymous asked: I will anal you camboydan answered: romance at its finest Anonymous asked: favorite toy? camboydan answered: it’s in the post, some angel just ordered it for me <3 i will make a video once it arrives ^_^ He logged off of Tumblr after a few minutes, then sent Phil a quick text message. Dan: goodnight <3 He placed his phone on his stomach, looking up at the darkness of his ceiling. Phil was so unbelievably sweet. He felt a genuine connection, and honestly could get used to this much affection and care. But he wasn’t so sure about in the bedroom. Dan might feel bad when he admits to all his kinks and fantasies and Phil doesn’t want that. He wouldn’t do anything Phil was uncomfortable with, but knowing himself he’d probably feel like he was missing out if all he could get was vanilla, if that. Dan wanted to hurt, wanted to have someone control him, he wanted to experience so much with someone. But if Phil could help with that, he didn’t know.

He felt his phone buzz against his skin. Phil: I thought you were a night owl, guess I’ll stay up online by myself then Phil: Goodnight though, I loved hanging out with you today xx Dan smiled at his phone, feeling warm and giddy. Dan: i am, i can stay up if you’d like. i’m a little restless at the moment Phil: Okay :) Dan: i have never really paid attention to my “rosy patch” before :P

Phil: No? Phil: I think it’s adorable and you should definitely pay more attention to it Dan: awwr thank uuu :] Dan: what did you think of our date? was i super awkward i’m sry Phil: I’m awkward too so it’s okay Phil: I had fun and I felt happy all day, I enjoy talking/going on walks/watching movies/napping with you Dan: me toooo it made me all gushy :3 Phil: Me too :]

Phil: You’re cute when you snore as well Dan: omg ;__; you’re too sweet to me The two continued to flirt, disgusting and gushy as always. Dan was grinning adorably at his phone late into the night until his eyes stung. He had a feeling this would soon become routine with Phil to text.

Dan: i’m half asleep i’m actually gonna go to sleep now, thanks for telling me about your weird childhood and your cheesy pickup lines ^_^ <3

Phil: You’re welcome, sleep well love x

Dan reached across his bed for his imaginary Phil pillow, nuzzling his face into the side of it like the little spoon he was and falling asleep. It was easy to rest while he was thinking happy thoughts.

When Dan woke up, he discovered he drooled on the pillow a bit. Hopefully he didn’t drool on the real Phil yesterday while they were cuddling. He sighed happily and snuggled into the pillow again, until hearing a loud knock on the door.

He grunts and gets up groggily, pulling on a shirt real quick and answering the door. A delivery man that looked just as tired as him stood in his doorway, dressed in uniform with messy, blonde hair.

“Delivery for...Daniel Howell?”

“Yep,” Dan says sleepily. He accepts the package and tells the delivery person goodbye. Thanks to its discreet packaging, the person had no idea what it was.

*NSFW AHEAD. do not read if under 14. if you regret exposing yourself to explicit content when you’re older, it’s not my fault. i will put asterisks again when it is over*

It was his new vibrating wand, the expensive one. He frantically took the package to his kitchen and opened it with some scissors, then stared and the box inside. Dan took his time removing the cover and finally looked at his new toy.

It was very long, colored white and blue. The wand came with a charging cord, and according to the box, it had multiple vibration settings. He excitedly plugged it in to charge right on his kitchen counter and ran to read the reviews on his laptop.

He pulled up the link as he brought his laptop into the lounge. The reviews were fantastic. The only cons that were mentioned was that it was loud, but Dan knew he’d probably drown it out with his noise. He was loud and whiny; perfect for the type of porn his blog followers craved. He’d discovered it was quite difficult to use certain toys when he was at home with his family home.

Once the vibrator was finished charging, he set up his laptop to film himself on his bed. He stripped  of the shirt he’d put on and laid on his back in front of the camera, cutting out his face. The camera only caught his belly, torso and thighs and had the perfect view of him testing the new toy. He clicked record, and turned on the vibrator.

He started at a low setting, gently rubbing it through the outline in his boxers. The vibrations felt wonderful to him. He turned a bit more towards the camera and rubbed the toy up and down his dick through the fabric. It caused him to twitch and mewl as the vibrations teased through the cotton. He was growing very hard, very fast.

With one hand, Dan palmed himself, and the other, he teased himself with the vibrator. He continued this for a few minutes until he couldn’t take any more teasing and had to kick his boxers off his legs. They plummeted to the floor beside his bed as he rose the massager up and down, base to head. He held up his dick against the toy and moaned softly, watching himself in the reflection of the laptop camera.

The reviews were so true. Once he got moaning, it was difficult for him to stop, strings of whimpers and whines escaping his throat for every movement. He slowly stroked himself with every heavy exhale alongside the vibrator. Sweat bunched his hairs up on his forehead and heat pooled in his stomach.

Dan played up his moans a little bit, normally he was loud but on camera he made his gasps even more dramatic. He bucked his hips up against the toy and whined, rotating the toy around the head of his dick. His hips stuttered and shook around, sounds of the rustling sheets filling his ears as well as the loud noise from the vibrations. The video made its way to fifteen minutes slowly as he kept pleasuring himself with the vibrator.

His dramatized moans made it sound like he was crying, his little whimpers and mewls picking up well on the microphone of his laptop. The vibrations felt incredible against his sensitive skin, heat pulsing through his body as his sounds increased. With a guttural string of moans, he finally climaxed, right on his stomach and where his camera could see.

“Oh god,” he moaned, cum spurting onto his tummy. He exhaled heavily a few times and finally clicked off the recording, then got up quickly to his bathroom.

***

He cleaned up with a towel and made his way back into bed, opening up his video editing program and starting to edit his new video. He would schedule it to post sometime when he was at work later today, opening boxes or helping customers or whatever else they had him do.

He heard his phone buzz softly and set his laptop aside, pulling his covers around until he found his phone. Dan saw a new text from Phil, ones from this morning that he received while filming.

Phil: Good morning Dan x

Phil: I have one of my online classes today and I don’t want to do it :(

Dan: get it over with so you can hurry up and talk to me instead xx

Dan set his laptop back in front of him and began trimming the video, cutting it down to only the decent clips, like the ones where he was moaning loud or twitching or whatever else he thought his audience would enjoy.

His audience. Dan hadn’t really thought about all of the accounts that followed him for a while. Was posting this video to probably thousands of people cheating?

No, probably not, since it wasn’t directly sent to them. He would just message the sender of the massager a quick thank you and not send a personalized video this time. They might be upset, but Dan couldn’t film a video for someone with Phil‍’s face in his mind. He would feel so guilty.

Once he had finished editing his video, which took about an hour, he queued it on his blog and YouPorn for while he was at work later, and posted a cheeky text post as a teaser.

camboydan: new video VERY soon (; <3

Dan often did this to draw more attention to his content. His blog was full of teasers in between videos, photos, and gifs of him exposing himself. Thinking about how much content he had posted since June eleventh, on his birthday, was crazy. Recently he posted at least twice a week, juggling his job as well, and it was October.

He could remember his very first photoset, two pictures of him naked in a pile of teddybears. The post hadn’t become popular until he really gained his “fame”. His first video is the one that caught on, one where he was using the first toy he’d ever bought.

Until then, he had admired other camboys and pornstars online, wanting so badly to be like them.  It took a while for him to be noticed by Gay UK 18+ as well, but once they reached out to him, he blew up more, hitting the top spot for the tags ‘twink’ or ‘emo’ or ‘teen’ on many porn websites. When that occurred, he knew he had gained a following he had to keep up with, that he wasn’t just posting into the void anymore. Dan had to keep a posting schedule and follow it, which was hard getting used to at first.

Posting content often was difficult with his parents and brother around, thank god he’d moved to London. It was hard to keep himself quiet sometimes, and the stress of how discreet the packaging was, and where he hid his toys and clearing his laptop history and all that. That was the real reason he’d moved here.

Not for law university or a law firm internship or whatever other reasons he managed to convince his parents of. They didn’t even send Dan rent money, since this was Dan’s “careless” decision, he paid for it all himself, with the help of paychecks from Tesco and PayPal transfers from his pornography.

When it was time to get ready for work, he hustled around his apartment to find a clean set of clothes to wear. The dress code was simple; a solid colored polo and nice pants, that could be black, navy blue or khaki. Dan would rather die than be caught wearing ugly beige, so he bought a week’s worth of black skinny jeans.

He adjusted his collar in the mirror and grasped his things for work, then headed off to the tube. When he was seated in an uncomfortable plastic chair, he received a text from Phil.

Phil: Okay I finished my class ^_^

Dan: perfect timing, i’m on my way to work :(

Phil: Aw. Talk to me when you’re done?

Dan: ofc <3

Despite it only being a day, Dan already missed Phil, the way his mouth was in a permanent cheeky smirk, the gorgeous blue of his eyes, the way he had held Dan close on the couch.

He was sure it was definitely a crush, not just someone he was falling in love with simply because they were paying attention to him. He liked Phil for Phil, and could see their future together already.

So what if it was too early for Dan to be thinking about what the theme of their wedding would be? Dan thought he couldn’t be blamed; that Phil was just that lovable and inspirational.

Another thing Dan wondered about was Phil mentioning YouTube. Dan was curious about how different it was compared to his work. They had themselves being filmed in common, but their work was assuredly very, very different - opposite like yellow and violet on a color wheel, contrasting sides of a spectrum, opposite poles of the world. Their videos and lifestyles must be so, so diverse.

Or maybe they were closer to being alike, analogous colors instead of complementary colors. Maybe, with all the nerdy video game talk, geeky movie talk, and other things they had in common, they weren’t so much opposites.

Either way, Dan was in love with it. In love with the concept of them being together. He barely knew Phil, but he his gut told him that he was his missing puzzle piece, the one that was going to be there for him. Maybe even the one who could help him with his parents.

[cafephan]

the danny situation/explaining my hatred of april 1st

okay here’s a post i never thought i’d be typing up. i can count on one hand with fingers to spare, how many people know this story, and none of them are family members or anyone i have any form of contact with anymore. yet here i am sharing it with the internet, but i feel like i need to articulate it and note it down somewhere rather than still trying to repress it even years later when it’s clearly not working and recently it keeps coming to haunt me more than ever

just a pre-warning some of you are going to think i’m pathetic for this still affecting me and will think it’s no big deal and it’s not worth posting about but i think it’s important for myself to finally just write it all down, judge me if you want i’ve gotten enough of it before

so, i’m wildly unattractive, i don’t feel as if i have to prove that to anyone. and if highschool movies have taught us anything about the typical ugly girl, what is it? that they always end up crushing on the cute guy (obviously this is a cliche movie trope and doesn’t apply to real life except it did to me, very much so). 

i considered changing his name for the purpose of this, but no like what’s the point. his name was danny and he was in my form group for the duration of the five years of secondary school, meaning we saw each other every day. he was also in my maths group (shout out to other people in set three, forever average) and little old me just used to fawn over him and not so subtly stare at him the entire time. though, having no friends, nobody was there to call me out on it, which looking back is both a blessing and a curse. 

like i said, i’m wildly unattractive now, so take a moment to imagine me in 2008. puppy fat aplenty, the chubbiest cheeks you ever did see and resting bitch face (which still hasn’t left me). i was a mess. but i saw danny as some kind of god - which he definitely wasn’t, i hate myself for ever thinking that lmao - and though i was always terrified to try and strike up conversation, it never stopped me smiling whenever he looked my way (we were only one person apart in the register too which helped in assemblies) and the odd times he did the polite thing and smiled back i would practically melt on the spot. 

the not so subtle crushing continued for four years, which takes us to our second-to-last year of secondary school. for some reason i had been forced to do a resistant materials gcse because i was apparently in ‘the cream of the crop’ in my year group throughout the past years’ DT (design and technology) classes, and still to this day i have no fucking idea why they put me in there because all i did was use the sanding machine. but anyway, DT god danny was also on the course, and he noticed me struggling with literally every part of it that wasn’t done on computers and took to helping me with little tasks alongside his own projects and unsurprisingly i was internally screaming because oh my god our hands just brushed on the desk vice and other cringeworthy shit like that which i’ve probably used in an early fic or two. there’s nothing more really to note on that year just remember that he started being nice then. another thing worth saying is that this is the year i started to wear a bit of makeup and when i came to maths class one day with pale eyeshadow on, he said that he didn’t like it and so i never wore it again (you should never change yourself for anyone, if something makes you feel good then you keep doing it okay, you dont need anyone else’s validation, i just wish younger kirsten knew and believed that)

the year after is where things happen so it’s late february 2013, and i came home from my grandparents’ house to find a new message in my facebook inbox. without being dramatic because this literally happened, i swear my breath caught in my throat because danny had just messaged me saying ‘hey babe’ i remember it distinctly, and i squealed into a pillow. i replied immediately, then flopped back on my bed wondering why this had happened, there’s never been anything appealing about me either in appearance or personality, so the reason why was a mystery, but i was so wrapped up in being completely head over heels heart eyes i didn’t really give it a second thought, because he replied a second or two later with another pet name.

these casual messages with petnames continued all through march and stupidly i started saying petnames back (which in itself is a reason to repress this whole thing), and on march 31st we were chatting and suddenly he says ‘can we skype tomorrow?’ and i literally cried, i was so happy. i’d heard girls in school talking about skyping with boys and a small very petty part of me wanted to be one of them and i felt as if i just might have the chance. obviously i said yes and we both logged off.

aaaaaaaand around rolls april 1st. the lovely lovely holiday of april fools day. what a fucking delight. 

i’m sure you can see where this is going, right?

so i dressed up nice and waited for the skype call to come through, and when it does i desperately try to calm myself down, and look to the ground and take deep breaths. my blood ran cold when i heard multiple boys’ laughter coming from the other end of the call. there were six of them, including danny.

without even addressing i was there (obviously they knew i was there) they started reading out the messages that it turns out they had been taking turns to send to me from his account, and put on a really high pitched voice reading my responses. 

(sidenote: i’m genuinely crying right now as i write this i’m sorry if there’s any typos from now on my vision’s gone blurry)

when they finally finished - i don’t know why i didn’t end the fucking call myself, i was just frozen out of fear and embarrassment and mortification i guess - they all burst into laughter, danny laughing probably the loudest. i was crying, and i opened my mouth to say something, but i was crying too heavily. this caused them to laugh louder, and one of them said “and even now she can’t fucking say anything, freak.” they laugh again and one of danny’s friends leaned in close to the webcam. “did you honestly think he liked you?” he asked, and i stupidly nodded, because at some point i’d let myself believe it, again because i had no friends to tell me how stupid and dodgy the whole thing was. 

then his friend went back and danny himself leaned in close. “april fools” he said with a horrible grin and blew a kiss to the webcam before the call ended, and i. fucking. lost. it. 

still to this day, i don’t think i ever cried that much. i had panic attack after panic attack, i didn’t get any sleep, and nothing could calm me down. it still holds the top spot of worst night of my life, and trust me it’s had many many challengers for that title since.

the next day, because i shut myself off from the internet that night, i woke up to three new facebook messages. from three of his friends who were on the call with him. ‘happy april fools, sweetheart’ one of them said, ‘i can’t believe you thought you had any chance with him lol nice try darling’ said another, and the final read ‘just kill yourself already. babe’. all petnames ‘danny’ used at one point.

so that is the reason i beg you all to not send any form of prank on april fools day to me. because it brings back the memory of that. every april 1st i cry myself to sleep, and though i know you all mean well, any involvement with that holiday, no matter how small, sets me off. 

this incident is the reason i couldn’t accept compliments in the early days, long time followers will remember, i’m sure. this incident is the reason i’ve not been able to have crushes on anyone. i’ve never let myself because in the back of my mind i’m always worrying things will turn out the same way. if i start to feel anything for anyone i back away and leave them alone completely. this incident is the reason i struggle to form friendships. tied in with the bullying and the fact i had no friends to teach me what friendship was, naturally.

in case you were wondering, danny’s engaged now, he’s happy. i think i saw on facebook they’re trying for a baby. which is good for them, but i can’t help but feel like it’s not fair. he’s off playing happy families and living life whilst i’m still here suffering from a stupid fucking prank when he knew full well i was crushing on him.

it was only three years ago, so i suppose it’s understandable, and i’m in a much better place with myself now than i was which helps, but it’s something that’s really etched itself into my brain and is still affecting me to a certain degree. i feel like now i’ve typed it all up, i might be able to sleep easy, it does feel as if a huge weight has been lifted. plus, i think i’ve made allusions to this story before various times but none of you pried about it which i really appreciate, you’re all so incredibly lovely and i can’t thank you enough.

so there’s the danny story and the reason i hate april fools’ day.

if you read this far, then thank you, and if you think i’m overreacting still, you’re more than entitled to your opinion, i’ve been judged on many things before and what’s one more to add to the list by this point. 

i love you all very much and hope you have a great rest of your day and i’m sorry if this dampened anyone’s mood in any way. i hope this has given you a little more insight to me, i don’t know why it would’ve but who knows. sorry.

xx