#locus simps is me

[oyoshi-art]

WAIT I NEVER POSTED MTY LOCUSES ON HERE... WHATS WRONG WITH ME

Eat ur heart out locus simps!!

[yanderes-galore]

I do nothing if not simp for Halo RVB villains, and Locus deserves a work of his own. Could you please do a short with your prompts 46, 51, and 58? Having that man in particular chasing you down would be one of if not the most terrifying experience in anyone’s life.

-📸 Anon

Hell yeah, Locus content! Had no plot in mind, may be OOC, hope you enjoy sadistic Locus anyways.

Yandere! Locus Prompts 46, 51, 58

"Even monsters can love, can't they...?"

"I'll chase you down like an animal if I have to."

"One more mistake and I may just break something."

Pairing: Romantic

Possible Trigger Warnings: Gender-Neutral Darling, Obsession, Stalking, Sadism, Manipulation, Violence, OOC Locus, Threats, Broken bones, Forced relationship implied.

"One more mistake and I may just break something." Locus hisses through his helmet, stalking ever closer to you with his invisibility up. The monster of a soldier seethes when he sees you desperately search around like a cornered animal. "If you aren't careful it may just be your legs."

Why did you always think you could escape him?

He's so tired of such a futile act.

You didn't have as much experience as him in the field. Regardless on if you were a Freelancer or Simulation Trooper he was superior. He could track you for days.

In fact... he was surprised you even managed to flee from him for so far.

That alone was impressive... but not enough.

"How long do you intend to follow me?" You wheeze, trying to catch your breath. Locus sets aside his anger and laughs at your fight. Maybe this was why he liked you so much.

"I'll chase you down like an animal if I have to." Locus muses, so close to you but out of your sight. "You aren't getting away from me so easily... I'm not going to let you."

"Why?" You wheeze, feeling your legs give out from all the running. "I don't understand what you want from me-"

"Truthfully, I didn't either at first." Locus sighs, standing behind your collapsed figure. "However... being so close to you like this has given me something new to track."

You go to stand and turn around only for Locus to uncloak and out speed you. He pins your arms behind your back quickly despite the armor you wore. You were at his mercy, like it or not.

"Somehow you've managed to catch me off guard." Locus comments, holding you tighter as you try to move. "I thought war tore all the humanity out of me... but you managed to bring something up again."

"What are you talking about?" You ask softly, trying to calm your breathing.

"This isn't easy to say... but you've managed to make me attached to you." Locus states, he was having trouble understanding it himself.

"You expect me to fall for a monster like you?" You growl. "One that kills innocents because he's told to?"

Locus doesn't comment at first. What you say is true. He has indeed done that and it's something he can't forget.

Although... he doesn't expect you to reciprocate.

He plans to make you do it.

"Even monsters can love, can't they...?" Locus mutters towards you. "I'm not denying I'm a monster... so there's no point in fighting your little comment."

Locus then flips you onto the floor before restraining you again. You grunt, still trying to fight as Locus chuckles on top of you. Yes, he's a monster, but he plans to be yours.

"This is what I like about you." Locus hums. "You have the fight of a soldier, I want to hone that in you once I make you mine."

"Yours? I'll never bow to a monster like you. I'll just keep running." You hiss. Locus says nothing, only sitting on top of you before leaning over you.

"Then like a true monster... I'll break you and make submit." Locus whispers.

It's then you hear a certain crack come from your back or lower region.

The pain quickly becoming unbearable as you scream.

[wheresmyshirtt]

HI you probably know me as the weird Locus simp in 2022

you may now call me Keeg

i took a long break off of tumblr but i think i will start posting again 😏

Things you will see on my account:

-Halo fanart/ Halo OCs

-Tactical/military OCs

-other fanart idk i cant tell the future

ill be fixing up this account, youll find all my art under #keegs ugly art

[mehwaight]

you know when you read something that you need? this. this is it. that is exactly what this felt like.

i know zero about mary jane but i felt hazy from reading this because of how soft it was, i wanted the feeling to keep on rolling in wisps of smoke, rising from the clouded, cradled and blissed out mind all the way to the skies that glimmer in these shades:

eyes remained fixed on the orb of light kissing the horizon, dipping lower and lower until only a fourth of it remained to colour the sky a soft pink.

not me forgetting to breathe right from the get-go, seriously.

ofh kjghdf dsmy goodness this... this is like the definition of intimacy and lovemaking i am STUNNED TO SILENCE AND IN LOVEdfgkjsdfghdf

and the fact that hongjoong just, as a matter of factly, goes "you're close" - ngl that made me blush; this man just knows you, knows your body, knows your every curve and edge and every sensation that may pass through you to the point where you are simply an open book.

Hongjoong had been building you up to an orgasm since the sun first left its locus in the sky, revelling in the soft whimpers he drew out of you. Bending his head down to press his lips to your neck, he peppered kisses over the expanse of your skin while your thighs began to vibrate around him

i am not fine at all after ^^^^^ i am incredibly weak for hongjoong and his perfect heart and mind and how he generally is and djkfgshdfkj how SENSUAL this is is breaking me. i want to inhale this fic into oblivion like yeo and joong did with the chili peppers (also i just realised that this is the perfect read before diving into minjoong trailer hopefully tomorrow - full rot and adoration and worship of the captain)

the way you write closeness i just want to bow down repeatedly to you, to your brain and to your gifted moulding of language itself to form this beauty.

the wind blowing through your hair and open fields embellished with vivid flora spread out for miles under you

i am a sucker for imagery. a simp for imagery. a peasant that begs for a glimpse of art like this and i have the pleasure of reading it. just look at that sentence. look at it again. that needs to be damn framed and put up on a wall. i can see it. an impressionist piece commended by critics and lovers of the creative, the novel, the timeless.

how could someone deserving of a place in the Louvre

me @ this fic and @ you because oh my goodness i need this intravenously, i need to be wrapped up in this or i am afraid i will not survive.

oh my oh my oh my and you added the nail polish detail please i love everything about this fic and how you write love... wow i am... yeah i literally am struggling to form words at this point so i will shut up for a second and finish reading...

...

i am back to collect more beauty here:

The room spun around you, and yet it remained perfectly still, it was loud but quiet, cluttered but empty, so you used up the last of your consciousness to fixate on Hongjoong and allowed him to take over your every sense.

i literally want to cry because the juxtapositions are leading me into an entrancing dance through the scene and i am in his bittersweet paradise of being afraid that it will end. i love this so much. so so so much.

Tufts of grey clouds bedecked the onyx sky, glittering with a plethora of stars dispersed across its width.

i am going to keep this fic in my soul forever. that is just how it is going to be.

the softest.

kindest.

most loving.

bouquet of tranquility and what one could only dream of, right here in these words having become a reality.

thank you so much for this nora.

i love this i love you and i will read this when i want to remember what love and intimacy truly is.

<3

a hazy evening

masterlist

pairing: kim hongjoong x afab!reader

w.c.: 1.8k

tags: smut, fluff, established relationship, reader is not gendered, they're both sososo in love

sharing the last of the earthy smoke, you bid farewell to the dying sun as the sweet scent of honey and citrus enveloped your senses.

A/N: thank you anonnie for requesting this, I really hope I was able to do your idea justice!! this, in my opinion, is the softest thing I've ever written. It left me feeling really warm and fluffy inside, so I really hope reading it will have the same effect on you! ^^

nsfw & warnings under the cut - minors dni!! 🔞

── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ──

warnings: cannabis use, both parties are high, cockwarming, couch sex, fingering (f), unprotected sex (👎🏼), creampie, it's really soft and slow, barely any dialogue, but they're so in love *breaks down*

── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ──

The room was much darker than it had been when you lit the first joint, golden rays of the dying sun filtering through the half-open curtain and casting shadows over the assortment of plants your boyfriend kept bringing home, the cool spring breeze ruffling their leaves where they sat decorating the windowsill. A show you didn’t recognize played on the TV behind you, but your eyes remained fixed on the orb of light kissing the horizon, dipping lower and lower until only a fourth of it remained to colour the sky a soft pink.

A puff of smoke distorted your view, the earthy aroma flooding your lungs and casting a fog over your mind. You adjusted your position, fitting your thighs tighter around Hongjoong’s hips and resting your cheek on his shoulder, nuzzling into the material of shirt before returning your gaze to the cotton candy sky.

Your hips moved on their own, grinding down on his fingers – stuffed inside you – with languid rolls of your hips. The pressure in your lower belly had been building for a while, his digits prodding at your g-spot and sending waves of pleasure coursing through your body. Hongjoong brought his thumb down on your clit, moving it in measured circles while he curled his fingers against your walls.

“Good?” He muttered over your skin, pressing soft kisses to your heated shoulder where the collar of your shirt ended.

“So good,” you whispered back, jaw slack and a pool of drool slowly expanding over Hongjoong’s shirt.

Smoke clouded your vision again, followed by the gentle press of the joint to your bottom lip, your mouth automatically closing around it. Hongjoong’s now free hand smoothed down your back, then slid back up to cup your nape.

“You’re close,” he stated, having felt the familiar fluttering of your walls around his fingers.

You nodded, inhaling the pungent smoke before taking the joint between your index and middle fingers. You kept your mouth closed, blinking unevenly while Hongjoong drove his fingers into you, catching the faint squelching of your arousal every time he pushed in. His thrusts were slow but pointed, roughly punching into the spongy spot along your walls and nearly making you sputter around the smoke in your mouth.

“R-right there,” you sighed, watching the air around you fog up.

Hongjoong had been building you up to an orgasm since the sun first left its locus in the sky, revelling in the soft whimpers he drew out of you. Bending his head down to press his lips to your neck, he peppered kisses over the expanse of your skin while your thighs began to vibrate around him. He flattened the pad of his thumb over your clit, rubbing it from side to side, occasionally brushing his blunt nail over the sensitive nub.

When you finally reached your high, it was as though you were free falling off a cliff, the wind blowing through your hair and open fields embellished with vivid flora spread out for miles under you. Your chest heaved as you blew out the smoke in your lungs, hips jolting as you rode out your orgasm on Hongjoong’s fingers. Butterflies swarmed your insides with every kiss he planted on your skin, his lips trailing up your neck to your ears to nibble on your lobe.

Hongjoong pulled his fingers out at the first pained mewl you released into his shirt, slipping the joint out of your limp hand and bringing it to his lips. His free arm wrapped tightly around your waist while he watched the joint grow smaller and smaller, sucking in the last of it before leaning forward with you in his arms to toss it into the heaped ashtray sitting on the coffee table.

Despite his tight hold, your hands flew to his biceps and gripped them so not to fall backwards. Hongjoong remained that way, looking into your equally lidded eyes while leaning over you. Once you realized that you weren’t going anywhere with Hongjoong’s arms around you, one of your hands eased off of his upper arm, instead finding its place over the side of his face. You weren’t sure if it was the weed slowing everything down, but the time in which Hongjoong’s head moved towards yours gave you a chance to admire the softness of his features – tired, love-filled eyes, barely open as they revelled in your presence before him, the tip of his nose a bright red with the remnants of a cold he hadn’t yet fought off entirely, and his smile, laced with unconditional infatuation, forever decorating his face when you were around.

Just like everything else around you, the kiss was unhurried, lazy. Hongjoong sucked your lips between his own before slowly letting them go, only to dive back in for more. The smoke he had been holding in his mouth dissipated into the air between you, until he slotted his lips against yours, parting them with his tongue and exhaling the last of the dying joint down your throat. You choked lightly, a breathy giggle escaping Hongjoong as he watched you struggle with inhaling the smoke, a hint of mischief weaved into the pleasant sound.

Slumping back against the backrest, Hongjoong pulled at your forearms to straighten you up on his lap. He simply sat there, admiring you once again. You wondered why that was: how could someone deserving of a place in the Louvre look at you with such a gaze – one filled with unending adoration, as though you had coloured the magenta sky peeking through the fluttering curtains with nothing but a broken paintbrush? Someone so caring, giving, loving, building you a spacious home within his heart and vowing to teach you the true meaning of love. Hongjoong was love, you were sure. The man who never stopped giving until you begged him to stop, and then gave you even more. Love, comfort, safety – it all came easily to him when you were the recipient.

He maneuvered you until his body was pressed against yours, his chest to your back while you lay on your side. The tips of Hongjoong’s fingers prodded at your mouth, gentle taps against your bottom lip until you registered the motion and allowed him access. Sliding the digits over your tongue, you whimpered at the taste of your arousal, licking over the fresh coat of nail polish on his ring fingernail. You could feel the tent in his sweatpants pressing against your lower back, reaching behind you release his cock from its confines. A soft hiss against your nape, painted nails digging into the skin of your thigh, and you were putty in Hongjoong’s hands, throwing your leg back and over his hip and leading his leaking member to your entrance.

A guttural moan ripped through Hongjoong’s chest when your warmth embraced him, his fingers slipping out of your mouth to wrap tightly around your shoulder. He pressed open-mouthed kisses to your neck, pressing himself as close and humanely possible to your body and sheathing his whole length into your pulsing cunt.

You stared at the characters moving on the screen, your lips parted and airy mewls unknowingly escaping you as Hongjoong ground his cock into you, his head brushing over your g-spot with every roll of his hips. The room spun around you, and yet it remained perfectly still, it was loud but quiet, cluttered but empty, so you used up the last of your consciousness to fixate on Hongjoong and allowed him to take over your every sense. Your chest flushed at the tender kisses he peppered onto your skin, one arm wrapped under you and across your chest, the other draped along your side to hold your thigh over his hip, mindlessly squeezing at it. You wondered if it was possible to live in this moment forever, with Hongjoong cemented to your body, warming his cock between your searing walls.

Your eyes followed the actor’s movements, and yet your body relished the leisurely drag along your walls, fucking back into you only to draw out again just as slowly. Just as much as you enjoyed the heavy presence of his cock inside you, the unhurried pace that he’d built up to felt as though you’d smoked twice as much as you actually did. Your body felt weightless and it was as though a divine being had blessed you with his touch, delicate fingers gliding over and squeezing at your heated flesh, sending burning waves of pleasure coursing through your veins.

Despite his own arousal and desperation, Hongjoong’s hips maintained their sluggish rhythm, ramming his full length into your dripping cunt before pulling out until only the tip remained encased within your walls. The slide back in made your toes curl, his cockhead pressing into your sweet spot then dragging over it. Hongjoong would slip out of you periodically, gliding his cock through your folds and brushing over your swollen clit before pushing back into your cunt.

You felt him breach your entrance, and you were free falling once again, colours flashing across your vision and a whispered succession of Hongjoong’s name rolling off your tongue. Sliding his hand up your trembling thigh, his fingers reached your clit, pressing into the nub and tweaking it to drag out your orgasm. Hongjoong relished the tight squeeze around his twitching cock, your cunt clamping down on him as you rode out your high, your soft moans and whimpers inspiring his next song. He pumped his cock into you once, twice, before hot ropes of cum painted your walls white, grinding into you to milk himself of every last drop.

Your eyes fluttered shut, Hongjoong’s fingers withdrawing to rest over your hip, his chest rising a falling heavily against your back, hot breath blowing onto the slick skin of your nape.

The room was immersed in darkness, the white light from the TV the only source of illumination now that the sun had gone to sleep, diving behind the tall buildings and allowing the full moon to hang in its place. Tufts of grey clouds bedecked the onyx sky, glittering with a plethora of stars dispersed across its width.

They reminded you of Hongjoong’s eyes, so dark yet so bright, full of love, hope, dreams. You couldn’t help but lose yourself within them at times, peculiarly when he was letting you in on his next project, humming the melody he had put together in his mind, his fingers strumming the invisible chords of his guitar. A single look into those dreamy, glimmering orbs and you couldn’t help but believe that you would be more than content simply existing by Hongjoong’s side.

In the stillness of the room, enveloped within Hongjoong’s warm embrace, the dense fog clouding your mind lulled you to restful slumber, carrying with you thoughts of a future permeated by the sweet scent of honey and citrus.

apply for my tag list here (´｡• ᵕ •｡`) ♡

[fablepatron]

That is so completely confidential you don''t even knowwww SA

Soooooooooo yeeeeesss?

[niqhtlord01]

Welcome back fans to yet another match up of the ROOSTER TEETH CHAMPIONSHIP!!!!!

Today we have a dynamic duo of fighters stepping into the ring who’ve been a constant thorn in our heroes rear since season three!

First up we have the temptress of fate, the illusionist supreme, the simp queen that’d make anime harem protagonists seem like hugh hefner, give it up for EMERALD! 

Next up we have her counter part, the man with the plan which involves mostly kicking, has shotguns in his legs, and was trained by an assassin father who he immediately murdered when finished, iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit’s MERCURY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Let the fight begin! 

Yang: *Rides in on motorcycle and jumps off* Mercury: Ready for a rematch blondie?  Yang: I’m just here to break your other leg.  Mercury: *Takes fighting stance* Aw, sounds like someone’s still upset from out last fight. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Emerald: *Draws both pistols and twirls* Carolina: Do you really think you can hurt me with those toys? Emerald: *use semblance to turn into Text* Tex: We both know I don’t need a gun to hurt you. Carolina: *Draws pistols* What the hell is going on!? ------------------------------------------------------------------- Mercury: *Walks in and shotgun kicks the air* Caboose: I knew one day you would come for me.  Mercury: I don’t even know you. Caboose: *Pulls out freckles* You can’t make me take tap dancing lessons again, I won’t let you take me!  ------------------------------------------------------------------ Don: *Walks in brushing off lint* Emerald: I have to fight a butler? Don: If I wanted to talk to a street rat I would have brought in Toth.  Emerald: *Draws guns* Oh, I’m going to enjoy this.  ------------------------------------------------------------------- Wyoming: *Walks in stroking mustache* Mercury: Oh joy, another prick with an accent.  Wyoming: Oh goodie, another cripple with anger issues; how original. Mercury: *Kicks the air* You shut your mouth! ------------------------------------------------------------------ Nemesis: *Nano tech cloud slowly forms Nemesis* Emerald: *Attempts to hide with illusions* Nemesis: *Eyes rotate towards her* I-I-I-I-I Seeee you.  Emerald: *Draws weapons* What are you?! ------------------------------------------------------------------- Nomad: *Walks in, wind blowing poncho* Mercury: Listen straw man; just turn around an leave. Nomad: *Shrugs and turns around* Mercury: *Shoots leg at Nomad but misses* Damn, almost worked. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Emerald: *Walks in twirling weapons* Sarge: My principles don’t allow me to hit a lady. Emerald: That’s what i thought old man. Sarge: *Cocks shotgun* And just like the end of an election my principles just changed. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Mercury: *Leaps in kicking air* Kazu: What, do you have a thing for bruce lee?  Mercury: Who the hell is that?  Kazu: *Cracks knuckles* Someone who can beat your ass with two fingers. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Emerald: *Walks in twirling guns* Cinder: I told you to stay at the base. Emerald: But I wanted to help.  Cinder: *Glows red with fire* Your wants mean nothing to me. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Mercury: *Leaps in kicking air* Carolina: Let me guess, your daddy never loved you? Mercury: I killed my father. Carolina: *Draws pistols* Get in line. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Emerald: *Walks in twirling guns* Pyrrha: I learned what you did to me at the arena.  Emerald: If you had made it any easier to trick you you’d be on our side.   Pyrrha: *twirls rifle into spear* It saddens me to know there are people like you in the world.  ------------------------------------------------------------------- Cammie: *Walks in and picks up nugget* Mercury: Kid, you better scram before you get hurt. Cammie: *hacks legs and makes mercury kick himself* Mercury: Scratch that, now I want to hurt you.  -------------------------------------------------------------------- Skout: *Walks in and drops backpack* Emerald: This isn’t afield trip kid.  Skout: I’ll have you know I was trained by the Toth herself and can handle myself. Emerald: *Draws pistols* Oh no, you’ve been trained by a failed bounty hunter; whatever will I do? ---------------------------------------------------------------- Felix: *Walks in twirling knife*  Mercury: If you’re going to tell me you don’t want to fight because of my legs you can save it. Felix: Oh no; I’d beat the ever loving crap out of you regardless if you had real legs or not.  Mercury: *Kicks the air* Finally, someone I can relate to. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Emerald: *Walks in twirling weapons* Locus: You can still turn back; find a better path.  Emerald: It’s too late for me.....I’ve come too far to turn back now! Locus: *Activates cloak* It’s never too late to do the right thing. ------------------------------------------------------------- Mercury: *Walks in kicking air*  Cinder: I told you to wait at the hideout.  Mercury: I never was one to follow the rules. Cinder: *Lights up with fire* Then suffer the consequences.  --------------------------------------------------------------- Emerald: *Walks in twirling weapons* Rufus: For all your wonderful abilities you waste them on being a petty thief.  Emerald: Fitting that someone whose never lived on the streets cold and hungry telling me what Is best for me.  Rufus: *Caliban walks in but is stopped by Rufus* Yet another victim of our worlds greed.  --------------------------------------------------------------- Mercury: *Walks in kicking air* Dr. Grey: What fascinating prosthetics; can I study them? Mercury: Touch me and you die lady. Dr. Grey: *Pulls out scalpel* That’s okay, I’ll study them once I pry them off your lifeless body.  ----------------------------------------------------------------- Emerald: *Walks in twirling weapons*  Neo: *Stares sarcastically at her* Emerald: What do you want you creepy mute? Neo: *Eyes change color and sword tip extends from umbrella.* ---------------------------------------------------------------- Mercury: *Walks in kicking air* Qrow: You’re helping Salem to destroy the world, don’t you get that!? Mercury: From what I’ve seen it deserve to be burned down.  Qrow: *Draws scythe* She really knows how to pick the broken ones doesn’t she.  ----------------------------------------------------------------- Emerald: *Walks in twirling weapons* Tyrian: Aw, it must hurt loving someone who feels nothing for you? Emerald: You don’t know cinder, she cares about me! Tyrian: *Throws off coat and extends axes* Keep telling yourself that; it’ll make the moment she cuts you loose all the sweeter hehehahahahahahah!!!!! ------------------------------------------------------------------ Penny: *Hero Lands*  Mercury: Didn’t we kill you like twice now? Penny: I am fully functional and combat ready! Mercury: *Shrugs* Aw well, third times the charm.  --------------------------------------------------------------------- Grif: *Walks in scratching balls*  Emerald: hope you’re not afraid to hit a girl. Grif: bitch I will curb stomp you into the ground for waking me up from my 3pm nap.  Emerald: *Draws weapons* But it’s 8am.... ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Church: *Walks in with sniper rifle* Mercury: If it isn’t the sniper who can’t hit anything. Church: I’d mock you back but you’ve had such little screen time last three seasons you might as well be  Whitley. Mercury: *Kicks shotgun at Church who dodges* you take that back! 

[a-daks]

I’ve been a felix slut since long before season 14 anyway but this is the screenshot does it for me ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

For the ___ card revoked, the only one for rvb is saying “felix is hot” and more than half the fandoms gonna tell you no and freak out while Felix fans be like “haha stinky rat man hot”.

All I’m saying is Felix is hot. My mind can’t be changed

[illwork4anime]

Naruto Shippuden Event!

50 days of Naruto Shippuden!

Well folks, due to a post I forgot I queued, I will be binging Naruto Shippuden starting this week. Several people have recommended I watch the whole show (including fillers) again, so I encourage you to join me if you'd like!

Please share your favorite moments, reactions, fights and characters as we watch and tag #50 days of Shippuden! Let's simp together!

Here’s my watch order, but feel free to be as flexible as you like! No rules only love!

Week 1 (8/10): Episode 1 - 88

Kazekage Rescue Mission, Sasuke and Sai, Twelve Guardian Ninja, Hidan and Kakuzu!

Week 2 (8/17): Episode 89 - 151

Three-Tails Appearance, Itachi Pursuit, Sage Mode Training, Battle Between Brothers, 6-Tails Unleashed!

Week 3 (8/24): Episode 152 - 214

Invasion of Pain, Past Arc: Locus of Konoha, 5-Kage Summit!

Weeks 4 & 5 (9/7): Episode 215 - 377

4th Shinobi World War!

Week 6 (9/21): Episode 378 - 427

Birth of the 10 Tails!

Week 7 (9/28): Episode 428 - 493 

Kaguya Otsutsuki Strikes, Childhood, Sasuke Shinden, Shikamaru Hiden!  

Finale (9/30 & 10/1): Episode 494 - 500

Konoha Hiden!

[Skipping the filler? Check out a list of cannon episodes here or here!]

[peixegaruda]

Chapter 33 - The Two Chips

As I rode, I slept. As I slept, I dreampt. And if I dreampt, that means that I am. A little bit of loneliness, a little bit of disregard. The background music from the back of the bus-shaped vehicle began drifting into my subconscious, which was now coming off in waves emanating from a vibrating locus somewhere immediately adjacent to my position. I was stupefied. That didn’t mean I was stupid though, I still knew how to tell stamps from one year apart from ones that had a different year, and promotional ones with funky designs on them. Though what I really wished I knew was about teeth, because I wanted to be a dentist, not a stamp collector. Wait a minute… since when had I thought that? As far as I could remember, I had always dreamed of becoming a dentist, but was dejectedly resigned to being a stamp collector? I… hadn’t wanted to change that. I felt like another pair of eyes were scanning my memories. When had that part of me changed? What had caused that part of me to change? WHAT MADE ME NOT WANT TO BE A STAMP COLLECTOR ANYMORE? I wheeled under the weight of the world of my knowledge and wobbled to and fro. Randy’s crêmê-de-la-crêmê-slathered voice resounded throughout my brain. “Aren’t you forgetting something, Mr. Pony?” the crêmê-de-la-crêmê sloshed incr��dibly violently when he pronounced the ‘r’ sounds in ‘aren’t’ and ‘forgetting’. With how ridiculous and metaphorical this gag is getting, I wonder if it is still enter taining, or if it’s gotten annoying. But anyways. Was I forgetting something? Well, I was forgetting something. It’s just that that something that I was forgetting was whether or not I was forgetting something.” That was incredibly hard to translate out of my native language, Czech, because for some reason we were now moving at 4 cuils. I buckled down my spectacles and got ready to go.

All of a sudden, Owen’s disembodied head appeared in front of me. “Pretending to have amnesia, huh? You’re such a simp, Jor-bah.” his grin was dripping with menace, causing me to take a step backwards and make a noise that sounded like a combination between Hank Hill and Kermit the Frog. Besides my pavlovian terror, something registered in my reptilian brain – this disconnect that I was feeling about not wanting to be a stamp collector anymore was the same as the disconnect Owen was feeling when he said he was sure I was pretending to have amnesia. I knew for sure that I had never pretended to have amnesia, but now everyone was telling me I was. I had also been fine with being a stamp collector, but now suddenly I wasn’t? What kind of nonsense was that? I felt like the two trains of thought were about to collide, generating the transcontinental railroad needed to funnel the information all out to all the atoms of my galaxy brain’s neural network. I gasped and took a deep breath. I was hovering in a lavender cylinder five hundred feet above the floor of a well lit cave. The cylinder flickered like film as bison nibbled on the grass above the ground where my cylinder was hanging from. I assessed my situation, putting my hand over my nose and mouth thoughtfully. If I were Tinkerbell, this is exactly how they’d trap me, I thought, thinking to myself. I had to think really hard if I wanted to think my way out of this situation. Something was missing somewhere, somehow. I had to dig deeper. I got on my hands and knees to dig, but the walls of the purple cylinder repelled me like Violet’s force field. Frustrated by my attempts, I decided to curl up into a ball and pretend that I was a bean. Specifically, a Gonzales bean. I could feel my beaniness intensifying as my body became more and more bean-like. I felt like I might grow a beanstalk any second. All of a sudden, the beanstalk popped out of my body. It grew, and grew, and grew some more, until it was able to pass through the crystalline walls, and with enough humming and meditating, grow a new bean of its own. Now, I had a way to escape from my crystalline prison – but at what cost? I could transfer the life energy of my current Jordan body to the bean, in hopes that it would hatch into an identical Jordan, but the current me would cease to exist. I opened my eyes for a quick second. I was already surrounded by a beany veil and bathing in a beany fluid. In short, I had become a bean. I closed my eyes in acceptance, feeling a bit like shep. If something as lowly as the bean I had devolved into could power the existence of a new, better Jordan, then it was well worth the sacrifice. I began shaving my legs. Hands and legs curled up like a fetus, I felt my consciousness sliding away from my current form and down the rich nutrients of the beanstalk. Though I was ‘naught’ but energy, as Julia would say, I could still catch a 3D glimpse of what was happening around me. The beany casing that had housed my former form began browning and shriveling up as all the life force was sucked from it. Eventually, all of the nutrients from my old body and the entire beanstalk had been sucked dry by the swollen bean now dangling from the frail, brittle dead beanstalk, waiting for some, any kind of outside influence to send that bean plummeting 500 feet downward to its demise.

A chicken flew by. Its bird brain operating on pure animalistic curiosity about its surroundings, pecked at the swollen bean, causing it to sway back and forth. However, by this time the beanstalk holding me up was far too weak to take this kind of hinge-like punishment, so it just snapped and sent me plummeting. I felt like I was in the tower of terror. I felt like I was gonna be sick. I felt like I was gonna be sick in the tower of terror. I screamed, but at this point, I was still only nutrients inside of a swollen bean, so all I could really do was trick my consciousness into thinking I was screaming. Wait, by that same logic, didn’t that also mean that I could trick my consciousness into ignoring its sense of gravity? Hah! That worked! I now tricked my consciousness into thinking I was putting my hand up to my forehead advancedly. I had no idea what to do next, so I just kept imagining that, and imagining that, and imagining that.

500 feet below the chicken, in a lush spring meadow that had been formed in the cave from the water that had fallen in through the giant hole in the top, a robin plucked at the swollen bean. It must have punctured some vital barrier because the swollen bean popped and out slid a brand new Jordan, exactly as he was before the whole ordeal.

“All’s well that ends well,” I said out loud for some reason, standing up and reaching into my pocket for my spectacle cleaning cloth. I had to get the bean goo off my -

I blinked in surprise. The mix of emotions I felt in the following seconds could only be described as a range from Velma from Scooby Doo to Arthur from Fairly Odd Parents. That is to say, I went from “Glasses, where are my glasses” to “I can’t see without my glasses,” to  “Hey, wait, actually, I can see,” to “I can see! I CAN FIGHT!” I pointed confidently at the robin-sized robin in front of me. It looked up at my finger quizzically before chirping and hopping away, clearly having lost interest in me now that I was no longer in bean form. Now, what did I have to do now? I remembered the map that Jacques and Graham had created during extended day. There were three different locations where the mysterious items This, That, and Which were supposedly located. This was supposedly located inside of a pyramid, That was supposedly located beneath of a basin, and Which was supposedly located in the WATCH Tower. As for What, the only clue to its location was the “Mr. Pony” written next to it. Did that mean that Mr. Pony had What? I had a feeling that was important, so I made a mental note to remember it for later on, to make sure I asked them tomorrow. For now, I had to search for the pyramid and the sink, for that was where those mysterious objects were supposedly located. I began wandering forward, every step forward making me feel like I was walking through a blizzard and a sandstorm simultaneously. It was brutal and very difficult to move forward. My tasteful black cardigan flapped behind me like an old cape or some rags. I felt like if I could struggle through this, I would become an even stronger dragon than I was right now, even though I was not a dragon, I was a boy. I soldiered on, like soldier boy, until my form was eventually lost from sight among the whirling sand and sleet.

I awoke with a start from the sound of water dropping into pool of water and echoing off the stone walls surrounding me. I set up, and noticed that I was in some sort of blue crystal palace. Everything was made of blue crystals, giving the whole place a blue hue. I looked to my left and saw that there was a small pool of evïan crystal water that was being dripped into by a crystal clear stalactite hanging tight from the ceiling. I felt like my body had grown super buff, but my head was still the comically football-shaped head it had always been. I rubbed my eyes and noticed that my glasses were still gone. I slowly stood up and walked by centaur-like body into the pool of evïan crystal water, the crystalization making up the pools naturally smooth, water pounded edges make the water reflect an almost pinkish purple color. I kept walking deeper and deeper into the pool. Although I couldn’t feel myself walking downwards at all, I felt the water getting deeper and deeper until it was up to my shoulders, or as some people would say, my soldiers. Like soldier boy. The cool, refreshing water and the smooth, cool crystal felt good on my body, and lifted me into the water. I ommed and T-posed, allowing myself to obtain the starfish position so that my body could easily be carried away by the aesthetic waters. I could feel my locus moving from the precipice of my nose between my eyes to my true core, also known as my heart, my very soul. I felt like I was Sora performing a spirit link. My body rotated faster and faster in the now perfectly circular crystal pool, creating a sort of vitruvian Jordan as my limbs spread out naturally to balance the weight distribution. I ommed harder. The crystal behind me began glowing. I spun faster and faster. I ommed harder and harder. The crystal glowed so brightly that I felt like it was a blinding white. All of a sudden, this generated a mystical portal that flashed around my spinning body and teleported it out of the crystal palace. Where it went, I wasn’t totally sure, but I’d probably find out in a few seconds.

My body pinwheeled through the rainy sky, limbs flailing around as if they had been stripped of their bones by a charm cast by Gliddorley Lockhart, and my extremities, also known as hands and feet, had been replaced with cinder blocks so I spun like even more of a pinwheel than ever before. I cartwheeled through the air, tearing a hole through a cloud as I plummeted downward. I mumbled something about soulja boy. All of a sudden, my eyes began glowing and my hands and feet, also known as my extremities, erupted out of the cinder blocks powerfully. I rose into the air like I was the lord of the storm, only to be faced with another floating being with glowing eyes.

“I can om harder than you,” it said.

“That is wrong,” I replied. “I can om harder than you.”

“Let us see,” beckoned the being, filing their nails with a nail file.

“Ommmmmmmmmm” we both began omming and did not stop no matter what. As we became more invested in our om-off, we locked eyes, sat down in mid air, crossed our legs, made the gottem fingers with both hands, closed our eyes, and began absorbing the energy in the air around us. Everything became so quiet for a second that you could hear the electrons vibrating in the air. It seemed like the entire universe was inhaling. I saw a vision. It was a giant pterodactyl.

“I am… the Pterodactyl,” it said. That much was obvious. “As your superior, I have some advice to give you.”

“We’ll see about that,” I retorted, as if I were following a script.

“You’ve seen the ad too?” We said simultaneously, before poofing back to reality.

The Pterodactyl’s voice echoed in my mind. “I gave you one-time-use dimensional powers!”

I nodded in confirmation, my eyes still seldomly closed. Me and the other being unleashed all of the absorbed energy at once, creating two large shockwave blasts. We were falling down, falling down, falling down. However, mine was slightly larger and overpowered theirs.

“Aargh,” went the being, faltering a little bit. “H-how can this be? Mental Wave!” They shot a supersonic wave from their cerebral cortex straight at me with the intention to put me to sleep and show me visions of Disturbia, however, I opened my mouth and a bolt of lightning flew forth, shattering the supersonic wave and striking the being directly in the cerebral cortex. They were engulfed in lightning for a second and went “argh,” before teleporting immediately into space, where they would briefly say “well, this sucks.” And with that, I was victorious. I had proven myself the harder ommer. I raised my hand and my fist high and my already relatively long eyelashes got longer and folded over my eyes elegantly to show how tired I was. However, my body decided to give out at that moment and begin falling forward like some insane combination of the statue of liberty and the colossus of rhodes. I held my hand high, unable to change the positioning of any of my body parts, as if I had become an actual statue from sheer exhaustion. I fla-whumped onto the ground in front of me, the spring green grass and wildflowers of the meadow surrounding me as the distant thunder rumbled in the distance. I felt like a rabbit. The little sleets of shale surrounding my fallen body began rising and dropping to the sound of some pounding, vibrating beat far in the distance. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think I was about to be run over by a stampede of vicious, bloodthirsty wildebeests. I somehow overcame the statuification of my own body and leapt to my feet. “Ooga booga booga!” I went, thrashing about like a caveman. “Me hungry! Me want club!” Breathing through my mouth and dragging my knuckles through the dirt, I slouched off in search of a bludgeoning object. In my pea-sized brain, which was approximately the same size as Homer Simpson’s, I thought some thoughts. Why was I doing this? Why was I acting like this? I was a human being, not some dumb caveman, right? Was this what it was like to pretend to have amnesia? In the middle of my sluggish slog across the grand thunder meadow,  I pressed my palms to my temples and began to weep. With every tear shed, I grew more and more intelligent until I regained my normal human brain. Then I stopped crying, because Fergie says big girls don’t cry. And if big girls don’t cry, then big boys don’t cry either. I had to use my normal, human brain to figure out what was going on here. Why was everyone telling me that I had amnesia? Everyone except William, of course. Why was I so sure that I had been fine with being a stamp collector. What had prompted these strange changes? Though I had no way of knowing for sure, I had a feeling that the answers were somehow connected. Filled with my newfound resolve to find the answers to these strange mysteries, I rose again, my confident face staring down the storm broadly. The storm began to glow green and purple with its intense, ornery, tornado like winds. I felt the damp breeze of the oncoming storm whisk through my short, curly hair, leaving droplets of precipitation on it. I briefly opened my eyes, but when I did, I knew that they were glowing with pure energy like those of an electrified Thor that was totally in his element. I came to the storm and let it absorb me, taking in all of the awe of its wind and rain, refusing to be moved, like a ceaseless flame. The storm screamed louder and louder. I defiantly held my hands out, my glassesless face being unable to see more than a few feet in front of me behind the turbulent debris, driving rain, and durbulent walruses of the storm. Still, I stood my ground, like an old oak tree that refuses to be uprooted by the hands of corporate greed. The wind, rain, and lightning intensified. I braced myself harder. If there was a category 6 of hurricanes, this would definitely be it. I would stand here and become one with this storm if my life depended on it! I held my hands out, opened my glowing eyes, and allowed the power of the storm to envelop me. The winds kicked up to category 7 and began buffeting me around like one of those blow up dancers in front of car dealerships. I could feel my ceaseless flame flickering as the wind and rain tore away at its vitality. Would my ceaseless flame… cease? Would I cease with it? By allowing this shred of doubt to enter my mind, I wavered slightly, but at this level, that is all the storm needed to continue its brutal full frontal assault on my body and spirit, battering me to the ground, extinguishing what remained of my flame, and causing me to finally succumb to my exhaustion.