#lmfao pick a struggle @ me ig

[kafus]

venting about some csa related stuff ahead

survived a difficult therapy session today, my therapist referred to my scarring as genital mutilation, and like yeah she’s right but it’s still really surreal to hear that. somehow i’ve never thought about my own scars as genital mutilation despite that literally being what it is. i’m really emotional at the moment over this tiny thing that honestly didn’t take up that much time during the appointment. it almost sounds too heavy, like that shouldn’t be my reality, but it is. i’ve experienced genital mutilation. huh.

has me thinking about my struggle lately with picking how to illustrate my scarring because i would like to be able to represent it in art as a more neutral feature of my body instead of always using the motif of pitch black vaguely blood adjacent liquid just sort of covering and coming out of that entire area. but also my Mutilation (i guess is what it is, yeah) isn’t easily draw-able. it’s mostly internal and the part that is externally visible would really only be able to be illustrated in a realistic and detailed style. i also don’t want to have to literally draw my genitals to represent it. so i’ve been trying to think of some sort of symbolic scar shape that can just sit neutrally on representations of me in art that isn’t graphic but that i feel properly symbolizes it.

people talk about scars being proof they survived something and making that visible to others but my scarring is not visible without me taking my clothes off and asking someone to literally look at my genitals which i’d rather not do! lmfao. the only way my physical scars can be visible in any way that isn’t Posting Nudes is abstracted through art. so this is important to me

i guess that’s also why i’m making this post because as horrifying as it is i wish my scars could be seen. and talking about it is a way of doing that ig

[mamamittens]

Tears of the Kingdom really do be giving me the most random curve balls.

In no particular order and (hopefully) minimal spoilers.

Fuck what's under the Deku tree, yes, I do remember Ocarina of Time. Somehow this is worse than the fucking spider. Dicks.

The Yiga clan really put here doing the most istg but they're so fun. The chicken was genuinely fucking hilarious.

We really not asking where the giant Mecha animals went?!?!? REALLY?!?

RIP all the champions but Mipha, fuck them and their struggles IG!?!

Why y'all got me playing bob the builder with my own damn house but I can't pick colors or if there's a damn wall, like, what the fuck?! Who tf wants an open air bedroom when I KNOW WHAT LIVES DOWN THE DAMN HILL?!?

Y'all are nasty for drinking from these fucking wells. Arguably as bad as Kakariko village in Ocarina of Time.

How many TIMES IS THE CASTLE GETTING YEETED?!? DID IT OR DID IT NOT ALREADY DO THIS?!? TELL ME STRAIGHT NINTENDO ISTG

How tf did Sonia and Rauru have descendants?!? Like, goals, but... How?

Zelda •́⁠ ⁠ ⁠‿⁠ ⁠,⁠•̀ shoes really on the other foot now, isn't it?

ARE THERE OTHER ZORA DOMAINS?!? WHERE DID YONA COME FROM?!? DID THEY TRAVEL WITH BABY GUPPY SIDON OR DID THEY REALLY MAKE BABY YONA TRAVEL TO BEFRIEND THE ZORA PRINCE?!? THIS PLACE IS DANGEROUS AS FUCK WHAT THE HELL?!?

How many times do I gotta prop up a damn sign for you to learn how to make them right or at least stop kissing ass so hard to set 'him' down?

I know swallowing those snowflake gems gotta hurt like a bitch how did he never flinch?!?

Prime opportunity missed to have Link chow down in rock roast again, cowards.

Ganon really spent his downtime fucking with people right out the gate, man's a clear thespian and it shows.

WHO. THE. FUCK. IS THE HERO ASPECT?!?

I caught Ganon's horse in BoTW and named him Big Daddy and my stable transferred to this game too 🤭

Genuinely forgot about "Master Kouga's" quest until I ran into him a second time. What a dweeb.

Whoever thought up the depths is a dick and a sadist. Who. THE HELL. WANTED TO NAVIGATE LITERAL DARKNESS LIKE THIS?!? AND THEN ADDING LABYRINTHS IN IT TOO WHAT THE FUCK GUYS?!?

Gorons were really out here eating monster ass and getting high as balls

Why, oh why, did y'all Zora make possibly the most homoerotic metaphor referencing the last game and then suddenly introduce his fiance? I'm getting mixed messages are they gay or just friends? 🤨

I thought the owl elder died lmfao, RIP

Purah grew sick of my shit and it shows

Kiss ass doctor dude can go suck a bokoblin ball sack istg I wanna EXPLORE THE DAMN RUINS THE FIRST GO AROUND 😤

Is no one weirded out by the Purah pad?!? No one else has one but they all seem to know how it functions...

Fuck them hands, I'd throw mine but I deeply wanna social distance from their... Asses(?)

Tulin, baby, I love you but can't I decide what direction your gale goes? Namely up or ahead of me?

Speaking of which, what the hell happened to Yonobu's gift from BoTW?! It's not like, super different but it's not a shield anymore... ? Wack.

I appreciate how much everyone believes in Zelda but some of this shit she was definitely fucking with y'all and you should've thought a little harder about the sketch behavior. Iykyk

[m1ckeyb3rry]

HAHAHAH imagine the first chapter of pursuit starts with “I wanna be the very best that no one ever was, to rizz then is my real test, to date them is my causeeeee” LMFAOO

LMAOO you forgetting but you also being the one to make his team sends me (i would so do this) ASH AND CHARIZARD I love that dynamic that would be so funny imagine it’s just lazy on lazy hate crimes like “no bitch you move and do it” “no im sleeping”

Even before remembering the setting I thought Charles matched the YIPPEE vibe well LOL WAIT RINS IS FUNNY HAHSAHAHAH “yippee.” NAGIS EGO LEAVING HIM LIKE HIS SOUL IS ASCENDING TO ANOTHER PLANE HE LOOKED ETHEREAL

LMAOOO Karasu has beef with her now yes whenever you have doodles do show!! Obv no pressure to make any LOL I just love seeing the crumbs

Wait lowk Barou yayoi spinoff this angst…/hj barous and karasus>>> on that note I had to remember that reader doesn’t inherit the Barou last name because when I looked at the funeral graphic I was like wait do we need to distinguish which one and then I remembered the whole cousin thing and also how cousins don’t always share the same last name but anyways NOOOSHSJS IM CRYING JN MY FEELS “my ex sending my brother the love he could never give me” goodbye (lowk the move from romantic to platonic love makes this even deeper bruh I wasn’t planning on sobbing rn)

DAYCARE WORKWR KARASU WAITTTT esp if his talonflsme has flame body (if I get pokemon teams wrong do correct me because I think the team listing got buried somewhere and I have bad memory as we’ve established) lowk I like this idea too it’s like he’s proving himself to yayoi but not limiting himself to just the gym leader like breaking the mold yk…..just makes him more extraordinary (in his terms LMAO) like proving himself without needing to be gym leader…..im ngl I jumped to far and read “he cooks eggs” and I was like he does WHAT but anyways

OH LMFAOAO I somehow thought there was a specific meme so I looked it up to no avail but REAL and LMAOOOO DOOFENSHMIRTZ(spelling??? Idk man)

HAHAH no it’s ok they can take the slander (i always find it really funny how even Nagi himself is like this shorty…in ref to Isagi HAHA and ig by implication Reo since he doesn’t really disagree when Nagi calls Isagi that) THE BIG HANDS imagine they do that thing where you measure hand sizes oh god but also one slap from them and you’re stepping into your grave LMFAO (they would never but ykwim)

STOP MIRAVERSE MUKTIVERSE (im abbreviating this to MVMV/MMV) actually goes too hard it all fits too well within the pokemon au SHSHSH white butterfly Hiori and reader him waiting at the safari zone in the house she described raising the pokemon she listed from her childhood dreams bye…now instead of white butterflies white butterfree/beautifly (I can’t lie im a beautifly enthusiast so id pick that over butterfree but wtv floats your boast yk just needs to be a butterfly)

IM GONNA SHIT MYSELF THE TABIEITA ONE IS TOO FUNNY but IVE SEEN THE SAE ONE LMAOAOA finally accurate rep of him omg wait I’m gonna go stalk this artist more I didn’t realize they drew tabieita

LMAOO me rn thinking I’ve said one too many LMAOs and tossing in LOL and HAHAHA (I lowk hate hahaha because it HAS to be in caps or else it looks passive aggressive unless I do like four “ha”s or more but that looks excessive ughhhhhh) in too deep we’re entering my LMAO keyboard smash zone now (I’ve sometimes sandwiched sentences with LMAO too) but enough about my LMAOs

LMFAOAOOOOOOOOO IM DEADDDDD imagine we’ve been talking about peregrine this entire time and I’m just like “WOW she knows all the details about the whole plot does she know the author??” Isagis life is too boring he needs angst to spice it up fr wait I love how Isagi kinda projects Barou into reader and struggles with his loss/disappearance you made him like 10x more interesting in like two seconds damn….QHESTIONING IF THE WRONG ONE GOT TO LIVE omg that goes HARD I love complex feelings like this go off!!! Barou’s death fr doing numbers on everyone like talk about catastrophe of a lifetime (wait side note but this almost kinda parallels MLP and how the mane six get their cutie marks like one event tied them together forever and ig in this case it’s Barou’s death?? SHSHSHS don’t ask me why I made this connection)

Karasu bfb about to be the household Karasu fic trust but no fr there’s no way I’d be able to tell from reading the request prompted fics like if we weren’t talking I would’ve just thought you liked a bunch of characters LMAOO

WAIT WHAT I HAVENT STUDJED YET I paused writing this and scrambled to check ok thank god it’s not up quite yet I need to type faster omfg but RAGGHHH POKEMON THEME LETS GOOO wait on that note would you prefer to write something for a fav or not or are there any characters you aren’t as inclined to write for atm because if so I’ll keep it in mind while deciding because I’m indecisive so (imagine I say Isagi /j I wouldn’t prefer that anyways) good thing I’m in my chronically online hours rn and saw this

- KARASU ANON that wasn’t supposed to be all caps but I’m too lazy to fix it now oops

HELPPPP THE NOT THE THEME SONG (AIKU'S VERSION) SDLKFJHSLDKJ i'm crying omg there needs to be an aiku spinoff that's just him and his arbok spreading rizz and pokémon knowledge HAHAHA

LMAOO besides arcanine whimsicott and reuniclus i feel like nagi's team is kinda irrelevant in terms of our discussions...goodra does get mentions every now and again plus it's SO nagi that i remember that one but rip clefable and snorlax forever second place HAHA that's the exact vibe i was imagining or like reader throws out her gyarados in a battle so nagi whips out snorlax for some reason and snorlax is just sleeping meanwhile nagi's like "BRO IT'S Y/N WE HAVE TO LOCK IN" but snorlax does NOT gaf FKLJHKLSF

all of the foreign/professional players knowing one another is so fun tbh reader in that au definitely would team up with charles to bully kaiser when they play bm so he def fits!! or imagine rin has to get internet culture lessons from shidou and charles so he can keep up with reader's references but he's so unenthusiastic about it so he brings zero energy to the table (his first choice in tutors was karasu but he can't ask karasu for help because karasu's his biggest opp since reader likes him/is friends with him)

KARASU HAS INSANE BEEF WITH EVERYONE IN THE CORE FOUR i actually can't decide why he'd have beef with tullia because she's...not unproblematic necessarily but too focused on bullying otoya to do anything to karasu HAHAH maybe he has beef with her because she beat him in a battle when they first met (four baby birds vs a fully grown lanturn is not a great combo) and he never gets over it (it's mostly like a joke grudge he holds ofc but he would be the one)

no because i've been thinking about barou x yayoi (baroi?? shoyoi?? i'd say barasu but that could get confusing as a ship name because of tabito)...they kind of give mrs l/n x toji vibes from pomegranate ink but opposite!! okay but yk how we have reader and co and it's reader + tullia + karasu + otoya well imagine barou's group was himself, yayoi (who had to do on field training before her parents gave her the gym), isagi, and then aiku occasionally dropping in (aiku serving more of a manshine trio vibe than anything tbh) KLSJFDS the angst there goes INSANE okay wait lowkey isagi and yayoi reunion could go crazy maybe they haven't spoken since barou left because they don't know what to say to each other and isagi's avoiding her because barou told him about his illness but not yayoi and the guilt of that is crushing to isagi (love triangle dare i say?? yayosagi canon because barou's gone??????)

yess he has a talonflame w flame body that's actually where i got the idea of him and the birds looking after (NOT cooking) the eggs!! honestly i think it would be cute too like after beating yayoi and getting her badge as well as being at reader's side when she takes down team x he realizes he doesn't NEED to prove anything to anyone ykwim?? like as long as he's happy it's okay if people consider his existence "mediocre" (because i'm sure people would find it crazy that he goes to be a daycare worker/owner when he could very easily be a league official) because nothing lese really matters...character growth/development we love to see it

HAHAH no there's no specific meme unfortunately but the doofenshmirtz cracked me up so ofc i had to share (lowkey i can imagine otoya in that fit SDJFHSDL)

no because reo calls bachira a banged freak those two are BOTH evil reo is just more outwardly nice so nobody knows what insults he has brewing in him LMAOOO omg isagi is like one of the shortest in bllk besides kurona and kiyora so ig calling him shorty isn't necessarily off the mark (chigiri's a little taller than him but that one low quality panel of the manshine trio where chigiri looks tiny next to reo and nagi cracks me up HAHA)...nah because if i ever got to compare hand sizes with karasu or barou i would BUST i feel like barou wouldn't even understand what it so he's just like "uh ok" if you ask but you KNOW karasu is 100% aware of it he'd be so smug too LMAOOO once again in the words of isagi "this guy...is a villain!" or wtvr he said

MIRAVERSE MULTIVERSE IS REAL wait kalos doesn't have beautifly (they have butterfree) imagine the beautifly when they were kids was just one of yayoi's many gym pokémon that happened to be out and about BUT once he gets the safari zone hiori puts in a special request to have beautifly placed there because of that specific meeting SLDFKJD too many possibilities fr

THE SAE ONE HAD ME CACKLING THE WAY HE PASSES CHIGIRI TOO truly the sae the world needs...the tabieita one was so silly but so them HAHA sadly i am typing this from my laptop (hence the zero emojis too) so no tik tok this time around but next time trust i will lock in (call me nagi battling reader fr) and send smth!!

PLS i always throw in either an LMAOO or a HAHAH or a key smash to break up my trains of thought or the classic...or the !! and ?? because i feel like normal punctuation makes it feel sm more formal like a business professional email or smth when we're literally just besties giggling and chatting yk

I'M CRYING THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT i was like didn't i show you the drafts of earlier chapters did you think i just pulled those out of my ass??? haven't you seen my masterlist before?? but anyways i get what you were saying now HAHA

no because i have this vivid vision of isagi snapping and going full on-field on reader and she gets upset/starts crying (bonus points if karasu pulls up to comfort her #notthestepbrotherbutthebrotherthatsteppedup) and he immediately feels so bad that he starts apologizing but he just knows barou wouldn't have lost his temper in that situation (barou especially pursuit barou strikes me as someone who gets irritated super quickly but rarely if ever GENUINELY angry) and he already has a complex because he could never beat noel noa hence why he's an elite four candidate whereas barou was supposed to be the next champion so he's basically isagi but better (throw in some yayoi picking barou over him [not that isagi ever confessed he just assumed yayoi would want barou so he didn't say anything and surprise she ended up going for barou]) and yet isagi's the one who's left and barou's gone

PLS not the main six that's literally reader and co + manshine trio (otoya is spike the dragon) truly though barou's death/disappearance leads to so so much happening like it's insane how that one event changed the entire government...mr mikage and the government would've gotten away with their nonsense for much longer if barou literally just didn't leave for his journey or told his family he was ill and came home for his final days SLKDFJLSH ofc they still would've been exposed by the mutiny plot that the gym leaders and elite four members made but considering that plan wasn't meant to be executed for a WHILE who knows if it actually would've been effective or if they would've just murked noel noa and threatened the others into submission

KARASU BFB TAKE OVER REAL AND TRUE and okayy that's good HAHA sometimes i end up liking a character after i write for them too which is another can of worms (like kiyora i barely cared about him besides acknowledging that he was pretty pre-wicked game but now i fw him!! he's not a top top fav but he's cool)

LMAOO BRO YOU CAN'T STUDY YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHICH TYPES ARE WHICH TROPE YET HAHAHAHA and no i don't really have a preference for any character!! whatever strikes your fancy...almost hoping someone requests isagi so i can redeem myself and actually write something long for him /hj...i'm limiting the slots to twelve (two full teams) this time because i want to have time to be able to write pursuit and the oaeu and the other requests i still have to do (EEK) but i have no idea who if anyone will actually join so don't stress too much about getting in on time i'll make sure you get a spot (imagine that one drake audio that's like "don't worry...daddy's home") just make sure to send the request in a separate ask so i can respond to it w just the story hehe...anyways i fell asleep instead of posting the completed event so i will be finishing up the post and getting it out now hopefully!!

[arlecchno]

that . dream sounds disturbing :D for some reason nowadays ive started to get more disturbing dreams as well ? they cant be described as nightmares because well i wasnt exactly scared ?? by them but they were ,,,, yk . disturbing . idk maybe im too desensitized to things my brain just either emotionally damages me or is like HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT [ throws random disturbing thing / content ] in my “nightmares” sometimes -

NOT THE LONELINESS 😭😭 i relate except im may or may not be legitimately lonely lmfao . a lot of those frickin popular uquiz quizzes call me out for it and im like “🤠⁉️”

lmao haitham is picking up cynos humor ?? not clickbait real ???? memes aside thanks for more portrayal validation i love rping alhaitham ( esp with kavehs ) theyre so fun - oh yeah i also have this

ngl since i have an alhaitham pfp on discord , i was kinda reading my messages in his voice cuz i was slandering language LMAO ( imagine alhaitham pronouncing “balogna” the way its spelled . made me giggle ngl )

im pretty sure aster has been my oc for almost a year now ( I DID NOT REALIZE IT WAS THAT LONG BEFORE GODDAMN - ) so they have . an unholy amount of lore at the moment . i rlly need to modify the lore though because me and my friend ( we both made genshin ocs and theyre like partner ocs ) made our ocs before the release of sumeru where we got more information about irminsul and the leylines — which was vvvvvv important for my friends ocs lore — so now a lot of our stuff is either minorly outdated or some of our lore would just make a lot more sense done a different way 😭😭

even tho asters forever home ( well , as long as dilucs around ig ) is dawn winery , they travel teyvat a lot , which ties into their original name :D they wander the world too lmao ( its totally not an excuse to make them friends with all the character i like wdym hahahahahahahhaha ) . NGL THEY PROBABLY ALL MET AT THE TAVERN - whenever asters in mond ( a lot of the time bc obviously their house is there ) they work at angels share and like aster would walk into the tavern for the first time for like . a drink . dunno what kind of drink but then they just SEE this random ass kid from THEIR FALLEN ASS NATION and go “WTF” and promptly find out he is a fucking dumdum stoopid head and then regret ever coming to this place /j at the beginning kaeya and aster probably did argue at the bar a lot , these two khaenriahns WILL cause diluc to lose his sanity but its okay because then they can all cuddle by the fireplace when theyve all agreed that theyre okay with eachother ( they love eachother /p theyre just all in denial . ) . overall ragbros + aster relationship is just pure chaotic fluff and angst - sometimes they go out to murk all the fatui outside in mondstadt ! fun !! and oh god i typed WAY TOO MUCH ON THIS LMFAO

THE VOID BRICK WALL LMAO ah yes such a beauty is the unknown of the brick wall , it contains all the vastness of the universe in one block and you may observe every galaxy in its grain . also NOT THE TREE CRASH 😨

WHEKJDKDND YEAH I NEED A THOMA ROOMIE IF I EVER DECIDE ITD BE OKAY TO MOVE OUT IN THE FAR FUTURE BECAUSE I DONT THINK ID HAVE THE MENTAL ENERGY TO CLEAN THE PLACE ONCE A WEEK - and if i didnt id probably go crazy because i cant stand the feeling of dirt or sand on floors ….. bleh .

I ALWAYS STRUGGLE NO MATTER WHAT NATION LIKE . THERE WAS AN OCULI NEAR DAWN WINERY THAT I ALWAYS SAW THE DUMBASS SPARKLE TO ON THE MAP AND THEN IT TURNS OUT I NEED TO FLY A L L T H E W A Y UP SOMEWHERE TO GET IT LIKE . ARE . YOU . KIDDING . ME - it took me one whole year to figure out how to get that oculi . maybe im just stupid

omg you can NEVER mention dragonspine / winter patches around me im . IMPOSTER ALBEDO AND FELLFLOWER . they make me insane . i fucking USHXISJDIEIHDHSHAHAAAAAAAAA albedo / rhinedottir lore . alchemy in genshin impact lore . i am so . i will go feral the next time dorian / rubedo ( impostorbedo ) appears in story , wether it be event or not im . im insane thats what i am ………… hahaha …… 🤠

sometimes i forget people farm friendship exp .. im a super duper lazy player who absolutely despises grinding with my entire soul ( im the definition of “lore player” /hj ) i almost never switch out my team unless for fighting elemental bosses or enemies lmao -

DUDE MY CLASSES HAVE BEEN ACTUALLY SCREWING ME OVER WITH PROJECTS RN IM LOSING MY SANITY /nsrs im suffering so much . im losing so much precious sleep …… starts sobbing uncontrollably

i really like milk and white choccy too lmao - probs bc i just cant rlly handle bitter things but OH WELL ! my absolute favorite kind of chocolate is like any kind with strawberries / strawberry flavor in them , recently one of my friends shared some valentines chocolates she got from her boyfriend with our friend group and i gotta say that strawberry chocolate they had in there was ABSOLUTELY SCRUMPDIDDILYUMPTIOUS . it had pieces of dried strawberry too it was just . MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

DUDE where i live we have these things called mochi donuts and theyre so good ( ngl you can probably guess where im from just from googling mochi donuts lmao - ) regular donuts r yumyum good but mochi donuts are so satisfying to consume LMAO - but man i havent had a cinnoroll in AGES .. i think im just a pastry enjoyer in general lmao , strawberry , apple , and guava pastries are my life .

tbh i dont think any reply would ever be too long for me to read , like you could probably write me a 3 page essay as a reply and id sure as hell read it LMAO i ramble a lot too so that just makes the both of us 😋

HEIDJEKJD favorite song questions are so hard , right now id have to say either undercover martyn - two door cinema club if you just wanted my music taste im gonna list a bunch of artists now because i am a free advertising machine when i like things : owl city , the neighbourhood , chase petra , lovejoy , everybodys worried about owen , and uhhh everything from the epic: the musical sagas

ZE QUESTION ! whats your favorite like ambient sound ( city noises , water , leaves , etc etc ) and why :0

wOOO SATURN EMOJI 🪐🪐🪐🪐 I LOVE SPACE !! CYA NEXT TIME 💫💫

- jellyfish ( or alex idk lol )

oh my god HI AGAIN ALEX i'm sorry that i wasn't able to reply to this sooner 💔💔 my inbox has been wonky for some reason and it finally worked today (thank god), i hope this won't happen again 😔🤞 i miss talking with you so here's a really long reply hehe hope you don't mind!

i've had my fair share of disturbing dreams lmao, and i've also heard that if you get those kinds of dreams then it means you're dying early??? i don't really believe in superstitions though so i'm not exactly worried about it LOL

your alhaitham rps are hella funny LMFAO i always think of alhaitham of someone who'd slander a lot of things especially when it comes to languages (since he canonically speaks 20 languages), i also see him as someone who'd mispronounce words or pronounce words as exactly what they're written (like you said) and say it with such a straight face 😭 i feel like if you ever tried explaining it to him he'd be like "what do you mean this is pronounced as baloney? why is it even spelled as bologna if you're going to pronounce it so wrongly? what has this system become?" and i'm just going to be in the corner laughing my ass off at how blunt and unintentionally funny this man is

aster lore is back again!!!!! seeing you mention that aster was created before sumeru and how it's already been a year since their existence made me realize how long sumeru has been out for,, sooner or later we'll be getting fontaine in no time 😵 but back to aster! it always interests me how you have this whole background story of aster which is HELLA cool and stuff and how you keep up with the genshin lore too! i think it's such a nice touch for them to be related with the ragbros too— i can just see their silly little arguments and silly little moments they have together. i'm also sure as hell the moment aster sees the khaenriah eyes (well,, eye... to be specific) in kaeya they'd be like "oh hell no." too SJDJKJS it's just so funny thinking of the many scenarios of their first encounter could play out

oh trust me, i hate cleaning my room. if i ever have a roommate one day, i am praying to the lord that they're the most strictest person on earth so that they can make me move my ass around 😔 i'm just not the person who has the energy to do all that often

don't get me started. the oculis in mondstadt are actual hell. like i'm literally not kidding. how can they call it the nation of freedom when i have no freedom trying to get all those oculis when i was in such a low ar? /j

jokes aside the locations of those oculis in mondstadt were so... brutal. i remember using those oculi compass things and the locations they showed at stormterror's lair were so????? some of them were up at the sky and my low ar ass was so confused on how to get up there,, i also remember there was this one that was hidden in like a pillar and i actually had to get my ass up the highest hill there to fly down into that pillar because somehow they won't let me climb the pillar up... those were truly my darkest times lmfao

WINTER PATCHES!!!!! i really miss them haha i was so excited during the snowman event back then and i made a bunch of cute snowmans and taking pics of them with kazuha. hope hyv bring back the winter patches ASAP ‼️‼️ WE NEED MORE ALBEDO LORE ‼️‼️ also idk if you have done the windblume story event but just in case i'm still adding a spoiler alert;;

i'm guessing we got some rhinedottir lore? well it was only mentioned that she's apart of the hexenzirkel and she called herself a mother to albedo (despite the many things she's done that would say otherwise lmao). but fetus bedo in the cutscene is so cute hsjdjdjjs and it basically implied that his hair wasn't tied like that but instead he was created with that hair style 😭 bros really just magnificent without even trying

i'm so very interested with rhinedottir/albedo/durin/dorian lore like i just know that there's more to what we know currently.... but we probably won't be getting much anytime soon considering how deep rhinedottir's lore is sobs

LMAO i get what you're saying with being a lazy player,, i myself have been detaching myself off from genshin impact recently and it's quite relaxing‼️ i don't panic that i missed out on daily's anymore and i hope it continues that way 😭 i log in once in a while to do the events and disappear again for the next week

ahhhh the thought of school projects and assignments makes me squirm kwdjdjdj my break basically ended and i start school on monday so hahaha.... i'm back to hell again </3 so not ready for the heavy workload . hope you're getting enough rest!!! school is always so hectic hhhhh hope you're managing well

dried strawberries in strawberry chocolates????? SIGN ME TF UP(!!!!!!!! i love anything related with strawberries they're literally the best. thing. to ever. EXIST! mochi donuts sound so good looking at the pictures on google made me want to just . chomp them following the shapes one by one. donuts are absolutely scrumptious.

guava pastries?? :0 never heard of them but i'd definitely try them if i could ever get my hands on them, any pastry MUST be tried out by me‼️‼️‼️‼️ *evil laughing intensifies*

glad that i have someone to ramble stuff with!!! at least i won't suffer by keeping all this excitement to myself while rambling stuff on this blog ☝️

just listened to undercover martyn!!! i think it's kinda stuck in me now LMAO the sick beats are getting to me,,, and the beats lowkey remind me of remember when by wallows which is one of my favourite songs by the band!!!

OMG OWL CITY?? HAHA this is truly ironic because i used to love his wreck it ralph song when the movie came out!! this gave me so much nostalgia and kinda made me want to watch the movie again LOL 😭😭 overall your music taste is so>>>> you made me discover new artists like chase petra and lovejoy!!! i'm currently in love with beabadobee shdjdh some of my favourite songs from her currently are you lie all the time and dance with me 😋🤞

oh this question is interesting— i pretty much love oceans the most, if anything. the sound of waves and the chilly wind gives me so much comfort for some reason, and somehow the smell of saltwater never bothered me,, despite my dislike towards salt in general LMAO.

other than that, i think this might sound weird . but i kind of like the sound of the hustle and bustle of flea markets too. they can be kind of overwhelming sometimes because of screaming children and whatnot- but for some reason i enjoy listening to people talking with each other whilst buying stuff sjsklk very odd but it's interesting to see what other people are up to. it's so very fascinating to see the human life evolve and for me that's comforting somehow 😵‍💫

a question for you!!!! what's your favourite season and why :D

i better not get ahead of myself with my rambling and end this off here. hopefully my inbox won't shut down again like last time!! i was so upset that i couldn't reply to your ask and ended up replying this really late 💔 thrilled to see your reply soon!!! have a nice day alex 🪐🪐🪐🪐 (YES SATURN EMOJIS WOO!!!)

[riptidezzzz]

list of games i started that i NEED to finish……

POKEMON X I STARTED THIS LAST YEAR AND BECAUSE I DIDNT FINISH IT I BROKE MY YEARLY POKÉMON X REPLAY :( I WILL HAVE THIS FINISHED BY SUNDAY OR SO HALP ME GOD……

dragon age origins i had fun playing this but then i got back into sims 4 and haven’t touched it since lmfao. also everything after this isn’t in level of importance

far cry 6 i wanted to finish her but again i just gave up :/ maybe during summer

far cry primal i could’ve put this w 6 but unlike that game i’ve beaten this one like twice. also this game has problems with saves getting corrupted so kinda nervous to touch it tbh

fo4 YES AGAIN i’m going to do the institute ending but i got stuck on the endless minutemen quests and got burned tf out

pokemon omega ruby i started this like 2 ish years ago maybe and never finished it bc my team sucked so i want to start a new save on it

GTAV IM SOS SORRY GIRL

RDR2 AND RDR1 ALSO IM SO SORRY

miitopia but ryujinx is acting weird. don’t remember if i’ve beaten it on there anyways but i have beaten it on my switch so just the post game stuff ig

shadow of ronin i’m not really worried about this one it’s kind of a. maybe if i’m reallyyyyyyyyyyyy bored but might as well put it here

battle for bikini bottom i try ever now and then to play these and then i give up bc i have no idea what tf i’m supposed to do also i am struggling to think of games

poptropica i have about 10-15(i think that’s too many but whatever) islands left and i can beat about three in one sitting if im feeling it

toontown. u can’t really beat it but i want to get misako to 100 laff

LEGO DIMENSIONS….. I LOVE YOU FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER AND EVER i want to replay you and do the sonic pack but that would be agony…. love you

skyrim lmfao i never beat it on my computer i just messed around. might do the civil war this time

fallout new vegas i don’t even have this installed but i want to finish ti eventually

darksiders i gave up on u sorry. mighttttt pick it up again but i don’t feel like hooking up my xbox

there’s probably more but am too lazy to remember wish me luck👍🏾

[unproduciblesmackdown]

@uberoll-oystercrackers putting this PT convo on blast just for the sake of switching to this format where u don’t have to break everything up via replies because [comically deep inhale]

honestly like idc idc i guess ppl are just like “uhh mytho’s got nothing going on b/c he has no feelings!!” like Yeah Correct, that’s a premise / inciting factor for this series and everything everyone’s doing lol, it’s only Boring if you don’t think about the character at all lmfao which i guess some ppl don’t, but like, there’s only 4 of them.....it’s Wildly Interesting that he literally has no feelings at first, like, for one thing it’s cool how there’s always the Idea of characters who don’t have emotions or act on them, but this is like the rare “realistic” situation where having no feelings means he needs someone to steer him around and make choices for him (and how Vulnerable that leaves him lmfao like episode 2 is wild but also that ppl just haven’t really realized that they Could just pick mytho up and pitch him into a wall, and fakir and rue are sort of careful neutral alliance keeping tabs on him) and you know, the whole s1 structure of mytho regaining both Capacity For / Experience of An Emotion and his sense of identity and by extent of all this his agency, and how like, Thematic everything surrounding this character is that’s reflected in the overall series like. trying to control someone for your own benefit vs being willing to sacrifice your own interests (and then some...) for their freedom & the Protecting Someone (And/Or Wanting To) As A Love Language that all the characters show for each other at various points & hope vs despair.......and like No Shit he’s dispassionate & passive b/c he can’t Feel Feelings & resultantly can’t make decisions or feel motivations but obviously he’s still Motivating other characters to act on his behalf, & there’s so much mystery & drama already in “yeah this guy you think is just a neat handsome guy is also an actual prince from a story who’s Real & sacrificed his heart in the fight with an evil giant raven monster that eats people & so he can’t feel anything or remember who he is” like damn!!! epic of him even if right now he can’t do much of anything on his own. i’m interested, and then i’m Interested every time in the Drama & Mystery of this person regaining parts of himself and completely rediscovering An Emotional Experience and how that is totally recontextualizing his entire existence for him.....

plus also even though “person literally lost heart via magic and doesn’t know what Feeling Things is” isn’t a We’ve All Been There situation i was like oh and you know it’s not like what mytho’s got going on isn’t potentially Relatable....can get into a side essay about dapressione and trauma and other types of stuff that can make it seem like someone can’t/shouldn’t have full access to their feelings / self / agency &/or it’s Dangerous if they try.....whew

but continuing on YEAH ugh just completely fascinated with mytho the Entire Time actually lol like, i’ve tended to lose steam in early s2 b/c he’s sort of Less involved beyond the [hehe time to cause some trouble in this particular ep] role lol but even so it’s like well it’s kinda fun when at least somebody’s being a bitch who lives for drama lmfaooooo & we get mytho Struggling Internally & sometimes punching through that way but again it’s like yeah oops the guy was basically autonomous but zwoop here’s a problem where that doesn’t mean shit anymore lol b/c he’s got this alternate evil self steering the ship all the time now lol got em.....the Peak of that i guess is where we get to have an epic swordfight between raven!mytho and fakir like you know what fuck yes!!! the intrinsic drama of that lmfao!!!! and then it’s like “oh no :/ loving the drama? that’s just what drosselmeyer wants” except Not b/c actually what makes it totally rule is that it’s this chance for Real Mytho to come through for the sake of protecting fakir (tbt “i wonder what i think of you, fakir”...) and really like that being what prompts fakir’s “you know what, even though before i was afraid my role as a knight would kill Me and i’m afraid my coincidental(?) role as a guy who can Reality Write could kill Anyone Else, i gotta try b/c that’s the only thing i could possibly do here and i want to try protecting everyone else b/c everyone else including mytho is protecting Me” and like augh everyone is so Thoughtful about how to try to help mytho out even as like, they can’t hardly interact with him or undo the situation lol.....as you’re getting into the series finale and everyone’s just outright Voicing things and you get “i/we want to protect mytho” like 32x and it’s beautiful each time ;___; like and well sorry but him & his heart/lack of are also the heart of the whole story here.....

and you know what *i* want to protect mytho, sympathizing with all the characters like fuck yes you’re so right, this guy rules, episode 6 aka The Fear Episode is SO good, like, you’ve gotten kinda used to the episodic format here, ep 5 did sure also make it obvious that things are Building on what’s happening prior here & that there’s stakes and stuff but it’s such a shakeup, like, that maybe just kinda sneakily dipping in and out of the arena giving back a piece of his heart until it’s done with, no problem, Isn’t Gonna Happen, and again, the Drama of it all......that the heart shards are yeah kind of their own People who are these fractions of mytho’s self and the way you interact with them is gonna like, affect things, since tutu didn’t like “resolve” things with that heart shard and just kinda got him on a technicality there lmfao so it’s like, yeah not only does mytho have a more general / abstract cause to be afraid of tutu & her bringing all these Unknowns & completely new things to him / changing things up and apparently introducing conflict, but you’ve gone and gotten his capacity for fear all recently riled up and specifically afraid of his interaction with You from 5 sec ago, and how could anyone know this mysterious magical being giving you Negative Feelings is like, Safe......and i’m sure it’s all compounding here, like, it’s Wild to be suddenly experiencing A Feeling for the (seeming) first time, and that in itself sure could be Scary, he just hasn’t had the proper emotion available with with to Be Afraid, now he’s gotten back a freshly stoked (capacity for) Fear and how off the shits it must be to be afraid for the first time anyways, or to be feeling the other stuff for the first time, and who knows what Unfun Feelings could come next, there’s a lot to freak out about.......and not like it’s trying That hard to never suggest like oh fakir's not that bad even though he’s technically an antagonist at the start b/c of being at odds with / against the protagonist, it’s pretty telling there lol like he’s unhappy with mytho having feelings again at all and has already been getting mad about it but is just being Helpful here and trying to comfort him, like aw that’s neat i think it’s nice, and again throwing it back to “I Wonder What I Think Of You, Fakir” you get fakir reassuring mytho that nobody but him is around, and mytho having this capacity for Fear is choosing to confide in fakir re: what he’s dealing with here (not that this would on it’s own be some guarantee that mytho’s Right to be unafraid of fakir, but, knowing all we eventually know...) like again lol it’s funny that drosselmeyer’s loving the Drama of mytho only having regained Negative Feelings like, i mean i’m soaking it in as well but it’s like, that guy’s all about Angst and it’s like no im here all about the Hurt/Comfort more like, thank you lmfao

it’s also SO good how it’s like, the next episode is turning around & giving the story a way forward not by like, oh let’s just counteract this Fear mytho’s struggling with by returning the....emotion of Courage i guess, but rather by giving him back Curiosity to ultimately lead to him actually seeking a conversation with tutu.......and it’s like AUGH it’s soooo fun that he goes to that river and has a conversation with his own heart shard lmfao like that’s you!!! and that You does not realize you’re them!!! that’s wild and i love it......wait i took low res screenshots when i rewatched this a few weeks ago lmfao

i Love it lmfao like it’s Such a good choice to have him not only have lost his Emotions but also memories / knowledge of who he, himself, even is.....like yeah man it was all on you to fight this heart eating raven monster!!!!!!!!! which you know, it’s also Fun that earlier in that episode when he and fakir are hanging out in the secret Problems Mill (which....fakir is hilarious like that lmfao. whole other tangent here like ppl are not only rolling with Animals As People but stuff like “yeah fakir might just be like ‘oops gotta go!’ and whisk mytho away to various out of the way Locations” like lmfao these teens have some free rein, but it’s nothing compared to s2 where it’s like “They Were Roommates but ig fakir tried to kill mytho who’s now being really dramatic and weird which is v different from before and maybe he’s in love with that one random dude who’s around now, which sucks for everyone else, oops now he’s just like Vanishing for god knows how long at a time it’s fine!!!!” lmfao like god. ballet school just is like that sometimes...) anyways Yeah that mytho’s been having nightmares about the raven and fakir is just going like IT’S FINE JUST DON’T THINK ABOUT IT lol and knowing fakir is also being pretty driven / restricted by fear, reasonably, as he thinks (well. and is correct) that he’s The Knight and his fate is literally written as “yeah if the story gets going and you’re a part of it you’ll just be killed” like yeah, oof......Wonder What I Think Of You Fakir like yeah AND he is that knight you actually did know who was suddenly killed trying to protect you and he’s sorta accepted that role again except he’s not really a fan of that Being Killed thing so here we’re having some issues in his misguided approach here re: Mytho Should Not Get His Heart Back, but he’s also trying to protect them Both from the story, and he’s only So Willing to act Against mytho, like, well hey thanks for apologizing after you hit him and then like, not doing that anymore lol, v reasonable how he’s struggling here lol where he’s trying to Protect mytho but the story a) wants to invite tragedy and b) has already said that The Knight has been / will be killed and can’t actually protect the prince within the story, also c) he’s just like one random high school guy out here......and also that it must just be kinda hard to adapt to this changing situation where mytho Is regaining this sense of self and motivation, but for like the past decade or whatever he Has needed fakir to just be in charge and tell him what to do all the time and, if he had the sense of what it was to trust someone, trust fakir to just always be acting in his best interest, but then mytho’s idea of his own best interest a) starts to Exist and b) is at odds w/fakir’s b/c also c) he doesn’t have All his feelings yet, Or all his memories, while fakir is like “noooo i know the story”.....like there was never any need to just like tell him he sucks at random times lol but it’s also kind of funny that’s just part of fakir’s shtick, calling mytho a dumbass one more time when he’s just fully himself as The Prince again lmfaooo. but prior to that, surely fakir could wonder what mytho thinks of him (or potentially Could think of him) too.......it’s just soooo good when mytho is like, expressing things verbally while trying to work through / figure out Feelings and even ones that he doesn’t have back yet, and it’s always fun how that inevitably throws off whatever character he’s musing about this to......including whenever ahiru’s just like “oh fuck yes he can do this b/c he has more feelings back now, that rules” and/or “aw :( he’s struggling w/this b/c he only has Some of his heart back”

and also that reminds me it’s SO good when the characters just kinda get to Do Something together lmfao like. ahiru and rue hanging out when looking for mytho that one time, iconic stuff, mytho and ahiru hanging out in the previous episode, iconic, maybe it kills me that in the first ep of s2 you have mytho saying ahiru’s his friend and the only person he feels like he can tell anything (and ahiru feeling bad she hasn’t Told Him Everything lol) and then he basically never gets to interact with her again knowing and as himself like Scream it’s fine ;v; !!!!!! let these people spend more than 3 seconds together Interacting lmfao it’s soooo good when they do :’0

and THEN you get into how there’s all this stuff re: The Story, like, fakir is the reincarnated knight, ahiru is the duck given tutu’s abilities Via a piece of mytho’s heart, but we had the original knight and tutu in the story as these actual ppl who we only hear a Little bit of lore about, but mytho actually knew / knows, and like, the original genesis for tutu only being on 1 Page of the story and apparently drosselmeyer doesn’t even really put any thought into what her motivations could be lol like yeah idk whatever she wants to marry the prince or whatever so that’s why she loves him and Says It and disappears......and like we have almost No direct info about her but uh nbd at least some of her actual essence is actually now an intrinsic part of mytho’s actual heart and specifically embedded in the heart shard of Hope, like damn!!!! you Know there was something more Real and Complex going on there and i love it so much.......and the original Knight, lohengrin.....might have been doomed to be unable to protect mytho with his sword, but there’s other ways to protect that guy and Someone needed to be doing it.......i’m just like wow mytho’s gf and bf!!!! and they both sort of died but hey. there’s still a lot to think about

so yeah lmfao love that you can originally see this series like, a decade ago and here it is like damn still lying down / yelling / generally riled up about mytho and just having So Much to think about / appreciate from this series like. it’s so Singular and has so much going on.......cherish it and i’m just still anytime like [epcot vine voice] Mytho...........

[tonyglowheart]

I genuinely don’t understand people who say aspecs are queer BUT NOT kinky people. If you’re into BDSM, if you’re polyamorous, if you’re celibate, if you’re hypersexual, if you’re in an interracial relationship. It’s all related. These are sexuality/relationship/lifestyles that don’t meet our society’s standards and are underrepresented or represented negatively and so i think they are all queer

Anon I am having thinky thoughts but also I lowkey don’t want to get into this too majorly bc I got into this several years back during said campaign I mentioned in the tags on that rb post lmfao and it resulted in a whole Thing and I like... don’t have the energy to get into internet arguments with people anymore because I’m old and tired and can’t deal with the back and forth of me making points, them ignoring the majority of my points in favor of some strawmen or appeal to extremes, me addressing that and also some points including maybe where they DO have a point about some facet I failed to consider but have now, them ignoring that and repeating their same talking points, me addressing their points again & pointing out their ad hominems that usually have come out at this point and other logical fallacies, them ignoring that to repeat- and ultimately, we’re kind of talking past each other and I’m mostly appealing to whatever audience might be around. (I think I might have priv’ed or deleted a bunch of posts from back then but some may still be up somewhere in my archive lmao.....). 

So on that kind of note I don’t... necessarily want to get into an argument or debate (not necessarily with you, possibly by some other anon passing through who is much more inclined to picking a fight with me about the Affront to Them Personally as well as the sanctity of the movement) on whether or not being kinky itself constitutes being “queer” per se bc I think the terminology is a sticking point and I do kind of see the perspective of “kink doesn’t make you automatically queer” **HOWEVER** yes I do also agree with that post I rbed that like kink/fur do rather constitute “queer subcultures” even though not every single person in there is LGBT+ in a more “traditional” sense - such as speaking more towards like sexual orientation & gender identity - and that these kinds of “alternative” lifestyles do present a “queering” (*a* queering) of ^ sexuality/relationships/lifestyles or whatever we might term that. And maybe that’s what I was struggling to articulate all those yrs ago lmao, when I was young and full of the energy of the Youthe and could get into internet arguments with ppl. The like respectability politics of trying to be sanitized enough to be “acceptable” to a hostile and rigid mainstream while alienating queer subcultures, which just results in the queer community at large cutting off parts of itself to try to be/remain “acceptable” but that just leads to self-harm to the community at large vs addressing more global/bigger picture issues.

Hrmmm okay I think what this whole issue of terminology and what gets to be called “queer” kind of gets to: they’re related, as you say, but that being varying shades or scopes of marginalized, but that doesn’t necessarily make it all “queer”? Because.... tbh I can see why the full-stop is a sticking point for people, and I do kind of think operationalized terms have more value when they ARE applied with scope instead of trying to generalize it too broadly, and queer does mean something quite specific (or.. maybe not specific, but rather that “queer” DOES have parameters, tho they may be more of like a soft-shaded parameter as opposed to some kind of hard fence)? 

But I do agree that usually a lot of the language people against various other kinds of marginalized identity aspects uses, mirrors, & parallels language used against other things, like language against queer people/queer relationships & interracial relationships, and that communities would be served better with solidarity rather than trying to excise or disavow other communities - ESPECIALLY communities which have a lot of overlap with the queer community and also are historical and current allies - in a futile attempt to be “respectable” enough for the hostile mainstream and its evermoving goalposts.

..But maybe I’m just quibbling a point here, because while I don’t know if I’d call kink/fur/etc “queer” and the term “queer subcultures” seems to fit better for me, this does point to “these subcultures have room within queer spaces and in fact were there at the inception of ‘queer spaces’ as we kind of conceive of it today in USmerica” (idk fur but the kink community was definitely there). And then this gets into a more philosophical question of “well if it belongs in queer spaces is it not then ‘queer.’” This may be a “this topic is complicated and multifaceted an these different arguments based on different needs and with different axes of foci can coexist.” Ultimately, I think it does come down to “exclusionary rhetoric against a marginalized identity/community - especially one that is aligned, if not overlapping or otherwise part of the “core community” at the heart of this issue - is more harmful than helpful because the goalposts of respectability will never stay put and the language used by the hegemony against one group often is reused/paralleled/mirrored in language against another marginalized group, and can very easily be turned again back against you.”

Speaking more towards the arguments re: the 'coming out' campaign backlash, like back then I was fairly active in the m/m romance GR community & more in touch with ppl who were part of kink communities who were part of the m/m GR comm, and like based on what they told me/we talked abt following the whole backlash against “coming out kinky,” is that ppl DO in fact lose their jobs get disowned get evicted etc if they're 'outed' as kinky. Which then directly parallels the vanilla queer experience. I think a sticking point back then was that 'born this way' rhetoric was more prevalent back then, and ppl see kink as more of a 'lifestyle choice' and less about something 'inherent', and also some ppl were just flat-out like 'um ew it's sexual harassment'. But I think if you look at various dynamics of kink there's like lifestyle kink which isn't necessarily inherently or always sexual so like I don't think it's automatically a sexual harassment thing, ig for me it's like... ppl reacting with SUCH backlash against the idea that kink could/should be allowed within the concept of queer spaces and that echoes that post about assassination of queer subcultures, and like coming out isn’t always “I fuck xx” or “I fuck in xx way,” like if you come out as gay you’re not necessarily describing in explicit detail to your mother the ways fuck, you know? I think for me the “coming out” thing also was kind of like... is it safe for you for people to find out x aspect about you? And I do rather think there’s greater hostility towards these kinds of subcultures, which would then perhaps elicit or illustrate a reason why we might want to normalize or educate people better on what exactly constitutes the precepts of the subculture, vs whatever popular idea of it is prevailing at the time?

..I think ultimately we go back again to “this topic is complicated because there’s many intersectional issues as well as competing needs so there’s not a one-size-fits-all ‘answer’ to the questions/issues brought up”

[closer-stars]

in which the concert has made me feel emotions, i Don’t Like feeling because vulnerability is uncomfortable especially for someone who is usually the shoulder people lean on. 

lol story time and some words to atz i guess bec why not i guess.

i’ve known atz since kq fellaz, i think a lot of us do. honestly thought kq had sponsored a dance team in korea and decided to market them to the public to get them more views and followers. (i mean korea does fund their culture and arts well so it wasn’t too far fetched of an idea) and just became a casual follower of them since then because well.. dancer stuff lol. i honestly didn’t think they were trainees until i heard they were in mixnine (still didn’t follow cause lol yg). then they debuted, still i was a casual listener because their songs and choreography style were my style but i was more focused on my other fandoms. 

things happened along the way. to keep it short, a bad breakup that made me leave a few fandoms i was in for a while to heal (cons of dating someone who is also into kpop and the same groups ig lolol). i was looking for something to keep myself distracted without leaning too much on my friends because that breakup was just so horrible for me. i didn’t want to annoy my friends with the same story, the same questions, the same frustrations over and over. i hated the idea of wasting time crying over someone that didn’t really.. respect me? I put in my time to translating some of the content just to push away any remnants of my ex from my social media that i can’t delete and for a while it worked but when your ex’s bias is the most popular one it gets Hard. in comes ateez, and i figured, why not check them out. I did, i gave them a chance and it was an experience. They pushed me harder to become a better dancer despite so many difficulties in the dance team i was in while juggling school work (because when the members are my age, it triggers a small part of me to get competitive and existential). They were somehow the distraction and refuge i needed because everything else started to get overwhelming for someone who was healing from a broken heart, low self esteem, existential dread, all the negative feelings i can think of without getting into all the details. They’ve helped me get on my feet again. 

My friends have too, but when you know that your friends have their own struggles to deal with.. it’s not easy to ask for their help. I’ve had to help my friends pick themselves up from near irreversible attempts, mental health issues, psycho-social problems, you name it i’ve had to help them through it one way or another. To keep this clear, this isn’t to gas myself up. Just an explanation as to how friends have eventually leaned on me for strength. It’s hard for me to express my own worries through mere communicating of “I feel bad, I feel worthless, I feel like a failure etc” because most of the time the response has been... flat... unresponsive, not really in the way that you feel and know that they are listening to you. Which is kind of why i resorted to so many creative outlets, it’s the only way I can air out emotions and worries i can’t verbalize in the usual way. So if you ask me “Hey stars, how are you nowadays?” with the intention of wanting to really know how i’ve been. i won’t know how to answer except for the usual, I’ve been okay, been getting through each day. 

so how the fuck do i deal when in comes ateez being vulnerable? being open? (as much as the industry allows them lol). I don’t lmao. I don’t know how to manage emotions that make me near tears. I try to hold it all the time. Besides the feeling of vulnerability, i feel jealousy too. I want to stand on a stage and dance, because that’s one of the rare times i actually feel Alive. Even if it’s for three minutes only, those three minutes are the most Alive I have felt since high school. They keep making me ask myself “what if I just got a little more stubborn? if i lived life a little differently, would i be able to achieve the dream i have? to perform the way they do?”. (one of the reasons why I can’t get myself to listen to odaat is because of the tight feeling in my chest). While I know that it’s one day at a time when it comes to this situation, i feel frustrated still. 

Now at this point idk where this is going.. but like.. To those eight goddamned boys that put me through a rollercoaster of emotions for 3 hours. fuck you guys LMAO. Thank you though, thank you for becoming the shoulder I could lean on until i could get back on my feet. It feels disorienting too, to know that these boys feel the same struggles I did when i started dancing up until now. It’s also disorienting and downright anxiety inducing to know and be aware that both of us share similar passions and dreams, where one is able to achieve it and the other is in limbo (socio-economic factors say hello at this point). Hongjoong and Seonghwa especially, I swear.. The feeling of being the person the leader and everyone else depends on for morale and strength is something I know too well. The feeling of having to keep it together for the sake of everyone is something I’m too familiar with and maybe that’s why they hold a special place in my heart. 

These goddamned boys are forcing me to deal with my own insecurities and anxieties at a pace I’m not familiar with at all and I don’t know how to deal with it. I don’t have the words for it. 

That letters from atiny of 2019/2020 hit me a lot harder than any of their sentimental songs. I’m hoping idk how long, that in the future, I can stand on my own, find my own direction and achieve things that can make the me of now rest easy from all her worries. I may not be able to verbalize my worries to friends but having songs that speak of it, choreos that visualize it, art that expresses it helps because hell shit’s hard. I’m hoping that down the line, if I get to meet ATEEZ, I want to thank them for being a shoulder I can lean on despite refusing over and over. You shits, I hate feeling vulnerable but HERE WE ARE. here’s to hoping that 2021 is the start of my big break or something lmfao  

[princess-pill-enjoyer]

Update/Trip report 25ish

I have been... severely neglecting this blog. I'm sorry bruh I just now am starting to get out that weird ass funk I was in for the last weekish

My skin hasn't been getting any worse. I can't particularly tell if it's still yellower than it should be or if this is my normal tone but either way not tripping on it anymore. My eyes have nearly went back to their normal hue. The blood vessels in my eyes are a bit more visible but nothing too alarming

I am a lot less exhausted too. I went from sleeping in and lying around alllll day to my normal lazy routine. I don't do tooo much of anything anyway but I at least now have the energy to do other shit without passing out midway through

My acid reflux is weird to sum it up quick. I've been getting full a lot quicker than usual and me attempting to eat anymore than the little shit here and there I've been doing lately makes it hurt hurt.

Uh actually new symptom I've noticed is my heart hurting when I want dph. Well. Not like want.. need? Ig. Dunno. It's fairly new but my chest feels tight sometimes and I'll struggle to feel my heartbeat and I'd usually pop a few to get rid of it. Tho with me and R being otp a lot as of late I have had to be a lot more selective/careful with how much I take and when. I can play it off pretty well with damn near anyone else but my bsf can sniff it out at times. Plus, I'm a lot quieter in general when I'm high which is kinda problematic when I'm mostly otp to comfort/distract R. I wouldn't be all that useful for that if I'm preoccupied tryna play it cool

Me and R have been on the phone damn near everyday since her and her partner broke up. Well. Took a break? I dunno bruh to me I think not talking to your partner at all and actively ignoring them is a nonverbal breakup. Especially with all her health shit. I get the silent treatment and shit but letting that get bad enough where you aint checking in when she has life changing news flung on her is just blatantly showing you don't give a fuck which TO ME = breakup. I can understand a whole lotta disrespect but the moment you let it effect things to the point you're just.. not cooperating. Not bothering to make sure they're okay.. Completely stepping away from yall until you feel like allowing things to go back to how it was. That's a breakup. Plain and simple

Sorry slight tangent. I just.. it's unimaginable imo. I even bothered to do that much when I thought I was dying lmfao. I may've been slumped a good 75% of the time it ain't that hard to shoot a text and keep it moving. If im being real, I wasn't even gonna tell her I was fucked up but I knew it'd make her actually answer my damn texts. It feels.. slightly manipulative but I honestly don't even care I just needed to make sure she wasn't doing anything absurdly stupid.

Uh but yeh. Everyday damn near since as at first I'd be sleep so good I wouldn't notice she texted so she'd call me to make sure I wasn't like dead and shit. Then she'd keep me otp to ease her anxiety on that shit. Ya know. Like making sure if some shit did happen she'd immediately hear it. Then as I got back right I texted back more consistently and I figured we'd stop talking again but then she started doing entirely too much as far as getting high to not think and shit and she'd call cause she knew I knew what's normal and not you know? I'm sure it was partially so she wouldn't feel so lonely but I'm sure she only turned to me cause I wouldn't make too much of a fuss about her getting high. I mean like, course.. I'd prefer her not to do all that period but I know I really can't stop her completely rn. She's going through a lot rn and that's just how she deals with it. I know whether or not I press her on that she's taking em so I'd rather keep her from being too unsafe with it.

Now it's prolly just routine. And I can semi replace her partner as far as constantly being otp. I know she'd pick her over me if she could but for now I can at the very least fill the gap so she doesn't feel like her entire world is got snatched from under her. I know how it is to go from always having someone there to being completely alone (ish. we both have siblings and shit but course aint exactly the same) Shit is hard and it's so easy to spiral and feel like everything's wrong cause so much changes all at once. I feel gross and odd knowing that that's all I am. Shit is gonna be all gone soon as her partner comes back around. But honestly I'd rather just hold my tongue and deal with the reabandoning shit once it comes. No real reason to make her think about that rn she has enough on her plate as is

Actually otp rn lmao. Slightly salty off some shit she said about her partner and shit but.. is what it is tbh. I'm tryna stay quietish and type loudish so she will think I'm just not talking much cause I'm focused on this. I know if I talk rn my voice'll prolly give it away so I'm tryna chill out with this stuff.

Uh but. As for trip report 25. I took 150 last night and passed out not realizing it. Was not the plan at all but not too mad. I woke up forgetting I took it tho no real consequences from that. My heart kinda hurts tho so I might pop a few extra rq. Dunno.

I'm gonna stop that there tho.. I don't wanna be too quiet and have her figure it out that way lol. I think Ima semi tell about this blog but not fully fully as it'd be an EXTREMELY stupid decision on my end lmfao

[selfinsertdio]

Domestic ship meme for you and Berkut~~~~

OH OMG...oh my g od i’ve not ever really?? th ought of him in much of a domestic context so this’ll be FUNunder the cut for length, as per usual.

Who’s more dominant:Berkut. I can be apathetic at times. (Personality disorder related, really.)Who’s the cuddler:I’m actually repulsed by touch most of the time, but I think it’d be me in this case.Who’s the big spoon/little spoon:Berkut is b ig and he’d see it as an affront to his position to make him be the little spoon lmfaoWhat’s their favorite non-sexual activity:uhh. hm. i’m gonna say playfighting, verbally. constantly trying to get the better of each other.Who uses all the hot water:me, i take. eternal showersMost trivial thing they fight over: EVERYTHING LM A O ooomg. it’d be so hard to choose. if we can pick a fight over it, we’re probably going to.Who does most of the cleaning:if we’re being real: rigelian castle staffWhat has a season pass on their dvr/Who controls the netflix queue: i'd absolutely steal berkut’s netflix password and put weird things in his watch history just to piss him off.Who calls up the super/landlord when the heat’s not working: i hate making phonecalls so there’s no way i’m not making berkut do that, lmao.Who leaves their stuff around:me. i’d do it just to piss him off.Who remembers to buy the milk: berkut, i’m. forgetful.Who remembers anniversaries:  berkut probably. see above. he can also be...really thoughtful toward people he cares about. (even only secretly cares about.)Who cooks normally: hmm. again, probably something handled by rigelian castle staff...but he’d probably be raised w/ more cooking skills than me in a modern situation.How often do they fight:CONSTANTLYWhat do they do when they’re away from each other: berkut’s generally busy w/ rigelian affairs and rinea!! i’ve got hobbies, and. probably responsibilities of my own. We’re away from each other more often than we’re together, I’d guess.Nicknames for each other: "mutt” “damned dog” “mongrel” “pest” etc etc (for me, obviously.)Who is more likely to pay for dinner: berkut, i’m fuckin poor. Who steals the covers at night: me. just to be an asshole.What would they get each other for gifts:y ikes this is. tough. he’d get me sweets, little treats so he could feed them to me and for a bigger gift he’d get me a custom made fur-lined collar...I’m really struggling to think of what I’d do for him. I make bracelets a lot, but I’m not sure he’d care for them. I think good gifts for him would be more of the things that I’d do for him rather than physical objects - he comes from money, there isn’t much I could afford that’d be real special. But he’s relatively busy - helping him catch a moment of peace and quiet would probably be appreciated.Who kissed who first:berkut.Who made the first move:i’d be the aggressor, so me.Who remembers things: depends, but probably berkut.Who started the relationship:i’m not so sure about a real formal relationship...if it ever needed to be sorted out, though, i’d guess berkut would bring it up.Who cusses more: me. my mouth is filthy don’t have me around kids.What would they do if the other one was hurt:okay this is my favorite one here.both of us would absolutely act like we didn’t give a damn but then secretly sneak in to see the other to make sure they were okay. i doubt there’d be tears but there’d definitely be soft touches and comforting words and “don’t you dare do that ever again”Who is the dirty talker:bbboth. berkut would be particularly nasty with some prodding, but. i’d be the one to prod.A head canon:berkut obviously still cares for and loves rinea a ton!! i feel like he’d still be aggressively courting her to be his “empress”...but as incredibly close friends, rather than lovers. berkut doesn’t listen to her in the games, as much as he loves her, and she deserves better like holy crap. i like to think that rinea stands up for herself, saying that she doesn’t WANT to be empress, and berkut learns to listen to her.