#lmao i feel like i discuss ideas and projects a lot for someone who hasnt actually POSTED anything in a hot minute

[paigemathews]

I like. briefly mentioned it in the tags of my last post, but one of the (unending) story ideas on my to write list is about. Well, not necessarily about the origins of the Nexus but includes the origins of the Nexus, lore about prophesied witches, power building for the Phoenix, and an apocalyptic threat. The problem is that it's not one of my current WIPs in rotation. Not even a little! But that's the one I'm thinking about right now. I don't know what to do about this.

[i-dont-want-to-forget-this]

hi i just wanted to talk

i dont really have any sort of direction or reason that i wanted to talk but its 9:30pm and im alone and im in a typey mood and i dont want to just watch more how i met your mother. (im on episode like 17 i was on like 2 this morning thats so embarrassing.) anyways. i should probably watch a disney movie to help fuel the reigniting fire inside of me, but idk it just hasnt happened yet. oh im waking up at like 6am tomorrow morning rip me amiright or amiright. obviously relationships have been on my mind a lot lately. theyre hard. honestly, i know that once one of radk starts dating someone im going to feel the need to be a know it all (WHICH IS SO ANNOYING SUCH A BIG FLAW I HAVE) and be like ok but dont believe all the sweet things they say because boys lie!!!!!!!!! which is true. lets be honest here they do. they say very very sweet things to win over your heart because they want you and they know that saying those things will make you swoon. and it sucks because it will work and youll believe what theyre saying, hell, they may believe what theyre saying at the time but surprise things change sometimes. and thats ok. the world is constantly changing. it jsut reallt really really really sucks when soemthing you thought could be a constant is not. FOR EXAMPLE:::::

1. “camille, listening to you is infinitely more important than this right now,”

which, in his defense, wasn’t a lie. he said right now. but thats not the point the point is that i could have sworn phil laplante would listen to everything. every complaint every hope every dream every belief everything. but we are about to hit 4 months (oh my gosh only 4 months) and i cannot tell you the last time i truly felt listened to by him. which hurts my heart does not hurt my heart as much as:

2. “i love you my dearest, kaibigan, unconditionally.”

i just literally dont believe you. i dont. and heres the thing. tears shed over phil suck/ed. ok. theuy stunk before im sure theyll stink in the future, and it hurts and it sucks but OH ME OH MY IT IS NOTHING. NOTHING IN COMPARISON. TO THE PAIN INFLICTED ON MY BY ONE OF THE LOVES OF MY LIFE. i feel like shes not even mine anymore. is this a dramatized version of camille speaking? probably, but she deserves to have a say too. and it sucks. so much. to feel like youre all alone because the one person you swore would love you no matter hwat you did or what you coujld do would still love you just kind of stops becasue she finds new firends to become obsessed with this sucks because i used to be that new friend. she used to be obsessed with me and thar hurts likea  mother tucker. i think ive developed shades of trust isseus. maybe. id ont really know i jus tknow that it sucks SO MUCH to think of my two favorite people on the planet both being uninterested in me wow that hurts a lot. and it makes me sad to think that i could be someones favorite person on the planet and i ditched them im sorry i dont wantt o make you feel that way but i feel as though i ahve and i am so sorry. THERE IS SO MUCH HURT IN THE WORLD AND THAT SUCKS ASS. A LOT. LIKE A LOT OF ASS. But there are also some beautiful things in the world. things like music. i love music. things like stories. stories are so fascinating. there is constantly something happening on earyh and there is a select few numbers of people who will experience it. 

im rediscovering myself. i lost her somewhere. somewhere in the mix of the kissing and the new bralettes and the frozen fruit snacks and the engieneers and the design projects i left her somewhere. shes out there. or maybe shes in here, tucked away behind a familiar smell. or maybe a new smell. i dont know what she likes. i dont know how to coax her out of me. shes made some appearances, for example when i was scrolling through instagram after that himym episode and it was earthyandy showing off some of her vegan ice cream with 10,000 emerald pools playing it jsut reminded me of humans existing and it was beautiful. and there are shades of her still in me writing this todaybut she doesnt overflow me anymore. which is ok. id rather have her be a little hidden than be garbanzo.

things that hurt:

thinking about the honeymoon phase.

and i know that this is like with God, am i in it for the reward or am i in it for Him? (ive come to discover im still very much in it for the reward i think. i am not the best. but im working on it. am ia ctually working on it. or do i just say that and ignore it. id ont know but i cant afford to put myself through the hurt of telling myself that im doing nothing.) 

but God, like actually God, I miss it.

i miss the romance. i miss feeling like i was floating, like the world was saturated, and my face was hot and things were sweaty in the best way. i miss feeling like i was flying, and like nothing had and ever would hurt me (sidenote, things did hurt.) i miss 

i miss still being pure

thats a rip

i am weak

but its in the past

i dont know if ive actually forgiven myself for that one yet

i feel less disgusting and more loveable than i did previously, which is good.

maybe im not ready fora  relationship.

but when will i be

i need to learn somehow

has phil been perfect?

no!

no he hasnt!!

today he told me “im going to stop replying for a while, dont get offended.”

which.

1. sucks. or well, is odd.

if he had opened and left me on read i wouldnt even flinch

if he just sent back a smiley face id be like lmao, probably send back a bitmoji

but he told me it was going to happen. which is just so weird.

2. i feel like im more offended that he told me to not get offended. dont tell me what to do. which, ok, i realize could be crazy, he jsut doesnt want to hurt my feelings but believe it or not phil its a little late for that its happened and im ok im fine ive forgiven it. i think. maybe. i just want to be there for you and with you and actually scratch that i want you to want me to be there for you and with you. i just dont feel very wanted by you sometimes which, weve discussed before i know that you know that youre not affectionate. or at least not when were in real life and not honeymooning (sidenote i feel like our honeymooning phase was shorter than others were and i find that unfair but whatever.) i signed up for htis. im consciously dating someone that is distant. am i okay with that? i dont want to jsut date boys to feel like im flying though i want us to 

i dont know

i was going to say be a team

but thats what phil says

and i dont want to let him pick these words for me

remember when i wrote that poem about chaos

and how i felt like i was in a storm and i dont know what to hold onto and i was like oh jk i want to hold onto you

yeah

me too

i think im there sitll

and like you said

the storm is inside your brain

and i want to be able to be the one to calm it

but maybe thats not my job

mabye thats a different persons job

maybe it is j=my job but its my job for later

maybe its your job

i dont know

but the idea of youd ating someone else really sucks

like a lot

liek a lot a lot

because i know

i know what the hunt is like now

i can imagine 

all of our friends

sitting somehwre, id ont know

and all the boys are checking out the hot girls around

and maybe im just old fashioned

maybe im still naive

maybe i am still just a noob

but that sucks so much

i dont want to be replaceable with a deli girl

or with ffg

not that theyre bad or anyhting but its the princile of it

that when im gone you jsut go back to sitting in the purple chairs at storms planning how to talk to the next girl

WOW THAT SUCKS

A LOT

THATS NOT HOW IT WORKS FOR GIRLS

And mayb ethats the point

actually i tak that back

im sure thats how it isf or some girls

but phil im not just some girl

phil im the girl that made lauryn hurley feel loved

im the girl that helped bring radk together

im the girl that blew ms crsit away

im the girl that used to look down in the damn hallway but looked up because she liked a boy

i didnt look up because i wanted to see a hot rack with blue eyes and a nice ass

i looked up because i wanted to be noticed

and intriguing

and wanted

and i jsut dont really feel like any of those things by you sometimes

and that hurts a lot

what is the point of this

this just sounds like i dont want to date him anymore

but i do

do i or do i jsut not want change

i do

i think

id ont know

but camille

right now you get the best of both worlds

you get to date him

who is goofy

and smells really good

and is strong

and is hungry for God 

and is grateful

and is

well

i was going to say a good listener

sometimes

but there is so much space between you two becaues this is a time for you

no one but you, camille

you can grow

this is a summer of self improvement.

you lost yourself somewhere and tou dont need anyone to help you find her

thats a lie

who i am is reflected onto me by those around me

but still

i dont need him.

i dont want to need anyone yet

i am young

im still finding out what i want

im still discovering myself

dear God,

i cant do this without you

youre the only one who will love me and satisfy me

“the human world, it’s a mess”

youre right

but thats knida the point

we feel things

we hurt

we love

we lvie

we cry

we laugh

we do all these things

and feel what we think is great

but then when we get to feel you, oh lord, we are blown away.

you are so much greater 

and i am not worthy, but only say the word and my soul shall be healed

im sorry

im sorry for disappearing

and i honestly cant see myself running back soon

which sucks

and i dont know how to fix it

i think i hurt a lot

which is so backwards

but im doing what they say normal people do

am i normal though

no

i literally jsut said im not

God i need you

help me find you

i bet you know how to find me.