#liv's film journal

[snowangeldotmp3]

idk when babylon became a comfort movie for me but. here we are.

anyways. did you guys know that babylon comes from the akkadian word “babilu” meaning “gate of god.” however in the biblical narrative of babylon, it’s a center of sin and evil. hence, the name of the movie being babylon. losangeles is the “city of stars” and “city of dreams”but here, even in its excess, it’s presented as this twisted, evil city where your dreams can come true, but there will always, always be a price. truly i will never understand people who watch this movie for a semi-truthful narrative about hollywood before sound. because that’s not what it is. this is nowhere near what it is! sure, these characters are based on real people and there are real world movies used and referenced in this film, but during no part of this movie does it claim to be like, actually historical. this is historical fiction, this is a story with something to say. idk like. i know a lot of people turned away from this movie because it's gross and beyond disgusting and a distorted look at hollywood pre-talking movies but like. that is the point. it's to show you the evil. why do you think it opens up with that wild party???

do you know two other things the historical/biblical babylon is famous for? the tower of babel and the figure, hammurabi. the tower of babel, of course, is where the babylonians were trying to build a tower so they could reach god & the heavens, only for god to destroy the tower and scramble the languages so nobody spoke the same language after. this time around while watching i couldn’t help but wonder if that part was here in the film, too. because around that halfway mark is when the downfall begins, talking pictures are introduced, after we’ve spent this last hour and a half or so in the grandeur of the stars and their silent movies, trying to reach the heavens—their godhood; their fame—only for it to all come crashing down once talking pictures come onto the scene. talking pictures and the public here being our metaphorical “god” that will tear these silent movie stars down. 

hammurabi, of course, created hammurabi’s code. you know, “an eye for an eye, tooth for tooth,” that guy. i think this movie has traces of that, too. mostly in terms of everyone in this movie has to give something—some part of themselves—up or away. they give, the movies take. an eye (the actor) for an eye (the viewer, the audience) 

(this is also a bit of a stretch, but the animal of historical babylon was a lion. “the lion of babylon.”  and MGM makes quite a few appearances throughout the movie. their logo, quite famously, is the roaring lion.) 

there are some other things too, completely unrelated to the historical babylon, that i can’t help but notice. and one of these things is that: there’s a musical motif here that sounds incredibly similar to a few notes of “someone in the crowd” from la la land. i don’t know if this was intentional on justin hurwitz’s part, or completely accidental, but i think that the musical motif accidentally connects la la land and babylon to one another. that, and the fact that mia and sebastian’s theme and nellie and manny’s theme also sound similar. there’s a connection there that i haven’t been able to make just yet, other than the fact that both couples end, and both couples are kind of doomed. both themes are short and sweet, lively and melancholic at the same time; they know they can’t last, but they’ll always love each other. hell, the ending of babylon is manny reminiscing on his time with nellie, because watching singin in the rain brings back all of these memories of her, and of the work they put in all those years ago. (it does, also, call to memory elinor st. john’s speech from a bit earlier—how a child in 50 years will remember them, and how their ghosts will dine together. i think it’s important to remember that 1.) by the end of the film, we know that jack, elinor, and nellie have died. sidney and lady fay have not, but we don’t see them, either. 2.) there was, famously, a lot fire—quite a few, actually, because it was nitrate film—which destroyed like, most of all silent films.) either way. if mia and sebastian’s theme is melancholy and nostalgic, nellie and manny’s theme could be considered a ghost, as it’s played frequently throughout the film. perhaps it’s nellie haunting manny even before she dances off in the night, just like she said she would. 

sorry this got kind of long….i could pick apart this movie forever <3

[la-femme-au-collier-vert]

Sources on Louisiana Voodoo

door in New Orleans by Jean-Marcel St. Jacques

For better or worse, (almost always downright wrong,) Louisiana Voodoo and Hoodoo are likely to come up in any depiction of the state of Louisiana. I’ve created a list of works on contemporary and historical Voodoo/Hoodoo for anyone who’d like to learn more about what this tradition is and is not (hint: it developed separately from Haitian Vodou which is its own thing) or would like to depict it in a non-stereotypical way. I’ve listed them in chronological order. Please keep a few things in mind. Almost all sources presented unfortunately have their biases. As ethnographies Hurston’s work no longer represent best practices in Anthropology, and has been suspected of embellishment and sensationalism on this topic. Additionally, the portrayal is of the religion as it was nearly 100 years ago- all traditions change over time. Likewise, Teish is extremely valuable for providing an inside view into the practice, but certain views, as on Ancient Egypt, may be offensive now. I have chosen to include the non-academic works by Alvarado and Filan for the research on historical Voodoo they did with regards to the Federal Writer’s Project that is not readily accessible, HOWEVER, this is NOT a guide to teach you to practice this closed tradition, and again some of the opinions are suspect- DO NOT use sage, which is part of Native practice and destroys local environments. I do not support every view expressed, but think even when wrong these sources present something to be learned about the way we treat culture.

*Start with Osbey, the shortest of the works. The works in bold are those I consider the best- many are primary sources. To compare Louisiana Voodoo with other traditions see the chapter on Haitian Vodou in Creole Religions of the Caribbean by Olmos and Paravinsi-Gebert. Additionally many songs and chants were originally in Louisiana Creole (different from the Louisiana French dialect), which is now severely endangered. You can study the language in Ti Liv Kreyol by Guillery-Chatman et. Al.

Le Petit Albert by Albertus Parvus Lucius (1706) grimoire widely circulated in France in the 18th century, brought to the colony & significantly impacted Hoodoo

Mules and Men by Zora Neale Hurston (1935)

Spirit World-Photographs & Journal: Pattern in the Expressive Folk Culture of Afro-American New Orleans by Michael P. Smith (1984)

Jambalaya: The Natural Woman's Book of Personal Charms and Practical Rituals by Luisah Teish (1985)

Eve’s Bayou (1997), film

Spiritual Merchants: Religion, Magic, and Commerce by Carolyn Morrow Long (2001)

A New Orleans Voodoo Priestess: The Legend and Reality of Marie Laveau by Carolyn Morrow Long (2006)

“Yoruba Influences on Haitian Vodou and New Orleans Voodoo” by Ina J. Fandrich (2007)

The New Orleans Voodoo Handbook by Kenaz Filan (2011)

“Why We Can’t Talk To You About Voodoo” by Brenda Marie Osbey (2011)

Mojo Workin': The Old African American Hoodoo System by Katrina Hazzard-Donald (2013)

The Tomb of Marie Laveau In St. Louis Cemetery No. 1 by Carolyn Morrow Long (2016)

Lemonade, visual album by Beyonce (2016)

How to Make Lemonade, book by Beyonce (2016)

“Work the Root: Black Feminism, Hoodoo Love Rituals, and Practices of Freedom” by Lyndsey Stewart (2017)

The Lemonade Reader edited by Kinitra D. Brooks and Kameelah L. Martin (2019)

The Magic of Marie Laveau by Denise Alvarado (2020)

In Our Mother’s Gardens (2021), documentary on Netflix, around 1 hour mark traditional offering to the ancestors by Dr. Zauditu-Selassie

“Playing the Bamboula” rhythm for honoring ancestors associated with historical Voodoo

Voodoo and Power: The Politics of Religion in New Orleans 1880-1940 by Kodi A. Roberts (2023)

The Marie Laveau Grimoire by Denise Alvarado (2024)

Voodoo: An African American Religion by Jeffrey E. Anderson (2024)

[imreallyloveleee]

who says journalism is dead

[mimi-ritter]

I agree. They're fun to fuck with, though. Every time I date a man, I keep a list of every misogynistic comment they make in my notes app so I can weaponize it against them when the time comes.

Nice to meet you, Liv. I was an army brat so I lived a lot of places growing up, saw a lot of things that were the consequences of some shitty government decision. Fell in love with journalism in college, focused a lot on politics and international affairs because it was most interesting. Started off as a war correspondent, got pulled off that, then found myself in D.C. Yada yada, subject matter expert or whatever. What got you into film & screenwriting? I can't say anything gets me pole dancing. I normally switch languages after too much gin. I usually start fights on tequila. Everything else is par for the course.

Ohhh that's diabolical, I kind of love it!!! Honestly men are just bleuch... especially the finance bro kind.

Hi Mimi!! I'm Liv, film studies and screenwriting professor. What got you into poli-science?? I took a few classes when I was a freshman but it was always so complicated... I try the NYT Connections every day, I don't always get it but it's really fun!! Gets you thinking!! Do other types of alcohol make you do other things?? Like if you were to have tequila would you be more likely to try pole dancing?? Or is that just me??

[movie-journal]

The Incredible Hulk (2008)

Watched: January 12th, 2019

[uomo-accattivante]

Excellent article about bringing a re-make of Ingmar Bergman’s Scenes from a Marriage to fruition, and the twenty-year friendship that Oscar Isaac and Jessica Chastain share:

There were days on the shoot for “Scenes From a Marriage,” a five-episode limited series that premieres Sept. 12 on HBO, when Oscar Isaac resented the crew.

The problem wasn’t the crew members themselves, he told me on a video call in March. But the work required of him and his co-star, Jessica Chastain, was so unsparingly intimate — “And difficult!” Chastain added from a neighboring Zoom window — that every time a camera operator or a makeup artist appeared, it felt like an intrusion.

On his other projects, Isaac had felt comfortably distant from the characters and their circumstances — interplanetary intrigue, rogue A.I. But “Scenes” surveys monogamy and parenthood, familiar territory. Sometimes Isaac would film a bedtime scene with his onscreen child (Lily Jane) and then go home and tuck his own child into the same model of bed as the one used onset, accessorized with the same bunny lamp, and not know exactly where art ended and life began.

“It was just a lot,” he said.

Chastain agreed, though she put it more strongly. “I mean, I cried every day for four months,” she said.

Isaac, 42, and Chastain, 44, have known each other since their days at the Juilliard School. And they have channeled two decades of friendship, admiration and a shared and obsessional devotion to craft into what Michael Ellenberg, one of the series’s executive producers, called “five hours of naked, raw performance.” (That nudity is metaphorical, mostly.)

“For me it definitely felt incredibly personal,” Chastain said on the call in the spring, about a month after filming had ended. “That’s why I don’t know if I have another one like this in me. Yeah, I can’t decide that. I can’t even talk about it without. …” She turned away from the screen. (It was one of several times during the call that I felt as if I were intruding, too.)

The original “Scenes From a Marriage,” created by Ingmar Bergman, debuted on Swedish television in 1973. Bergman’s first television series, its six episodes trace the dissolution of a middle-class marriage. Starring Liv Ullmann, Bergman’s ex, it drew on his own past relationships, though not always directly.

“When it comes to Bergman, the relationship between autobiography and fiction is extremely complicated,” said Jan Holmberg, the chief executive of the Ingmar Bergman Foundation.

A sensation in Sweden, it was seen by most of the adult population. And yes, sure, correlation does not imply causation, but after its debut, Swedish divorce were rumored to have doubled. Holmberg remembers watching a rerun as a 10-year-old.

“It was a rude awakening to adult life,” he said.

The writer and director Hagai Levi saw it as a teenager, on Israeli public television, during a stint on a kibbutz. “I was shocked,” he said. The series taught him that a television series could be radical, that it could be art. When he created “BeTipul,” the Israeli precursor to “In Treatment,” he used “Scenes” as proof of the concept “that two people can talk for an hour and it can work,” Levi said. (Strangely, “Scenes” also inspired the prime-time soap “Dallas.”)

So when Daniel Bergman, Ingmar Bergman’s youngest son, approached Levi about a remake, he was immediately interested.

But the project languished, in part because loving a show isn’t reason enough to adapt it. Divorce is common now — in Sweden, and elsewhere — and the relationship politics of the original series, in which the male character deserts his wife and young children for an academic post, haven’t aged particularly well.

Then about two years ago, Levi had a revelation. He would swap the gender roles. A woman who leaves her marriage and child in pursuit of freedom (with a very hot Israeli entrepreneur in place of a visiting professorship) might still provoke conversation and interest.

So the Marianne and Johan of the original became Mira and Jonathan, with a Boston suburb (re-created in a warehouse just north of New York City), stepping in for the Stockholm of the original. Jonathan remains an academic though Mira, a lawyer in the original, is now a businesswoman who out-earns him.

Casting began in early 2020. After Isaac met with Levi, he wrote to Chastain to tell her about the project. She wasn’t available. The producers cast Michelle Williams. But the pandemic reshuffled everyone’s schedules. When production was ready to resume, Williams was no longer free. Chastain was. “That was for me the most amazing miracle,” Levi said.

Isaac and Chastain met in the early 2000s at Juilliard. He was in his first year; she, in her third. He first saw her in a scene from a classical tragedy, slapping men in the face as Helen of Troy. He was friendly with her then-boyfriend, and they soon became friends themselves, bonding through the shared trauma of an acting curriculum designed to break its students down and then build them back up again. Isaac remembered her as “a real force of nature and solid, completely solid, with an incredible amount of integrity,” he said.

In the next window, Chastain blushed. “He was super talented,” she said. ���But talented in a way that wasn’t expected, that’s challenging and pushing against constructs and ideas.” She introduced him to her manager, and they celebrated each other’s early successes and went to each other’s premieres. (A few of those photos are used in “Scenes From a Marriage” as set dressing.)

In 2013, Chastain was cast in J.C. Chandor’s “A Most Violent Year,”opposite Javier Bardem. When Bardem dropped out, Chastain campaigned for Isaac to have the role. Weeks before shooting, they began to meet, fleshing out the back story of their characters — a husband and wife trying to corner the heating oil market in 1981 New York — the details of the marriage, business, life.

It was their first time working together, and each felt a bond that went deeper than a parallel education and approach. “Something connects us that’s stronger than any ideas of character or story or any of that,” Isaac said. “There’s something else that’s more about like, a shared existence.”

Chandor noticed how they would support each other on set, and challenge each other, too, giving each other the freedom to take the characters’ relationship to dark and dangerous places. “They have this innate trust with each other,” Chandor said.

That trust eliminated the need for actorly tricks or shortcuts, in part because they know each other’s tricks too well. Their motto, Isaac said, was, “Let’s figure this [expletive] out together and see what’s the most honest thing we can do.”

Moni Yakim, Juilliard’s celebrated movement instructor, has followed their careers closely and he noted what he called the “magnetism and spiritual connection” that they suggested onscreen in the film.

“It’s a kind of chemistry,” Yakim said. “They can read each other’s mind and you as an audience, you can sense it.”

Telepathy takes work. When they knew that shooting “Scenes From a Marriage” could begin, Chastain bought a copy of “All About Us,” a guided journal for couples, and filled in her sections in character as Mira. Isaac brought it home and showed it to his wife, the filmmaker Elvira Lind.

“She was like, ‘You finally found your match,’” Isaac recalled. “’Someone that is as big of a nerd as you are.’”

The actors rehearsed, with Levi and on their own, talking their way through each long scene, helping each other through the anguished parts. When production had to halt for two weeks, they rehearsed then, too.

Watching these actors work reminded Amy Herzog, a writer and executive producer on the series, of race horses in full gallop. “These are two people who have so much training and skill,” she said. “Because it’s an athletic feat, what they were being asked to do.”

But training and skill and the “All About Us” book hadn’t really prepared them for the emotional impact of actually shooting “Scenes From a Marriage.” Both actors normally compartmentalize when they work, putting up psychic partitions between their roles and themselves. But this time, the partitions weren’t up to code.

“I knew I was in trouble the very first week,” Chastain said.

She couldn’t hide how the scripts affected her, especially from someone who knows her as well as Isaac does. “I just felt so exposed,” she said. “This to me, more than anything I’ve ever worked on, was definitely the most open I’ve ever been.”

“It felt so dangerous,” she said.

I visited the set in February (after multiple Covid-19 tests and health screenings) during a final day of filming. It was the quietest set I had ever seen: The atmosphere was subdued, reverent almost, a crew and a studio space stripped down to only what two actors would need to do the most passionate and demanding work of their careers.

Isaac didn’t know if he would watch the completed series. “It really is the first time ever, where I’ve done something where I’m totally fine never seeing this thing,” he said. “Because I’ve really lived through it. And in some ways I don’t want whatever they decide to put together to change my experience of it, which was just so intense.”

The cameras captured that intensity. Though Chastain isn’t Mira and Isaac isn’t Jonathan, each drew on personal experience — their parents’ marriages, past relationships — in ways they never had. Sometimes work on the show felt like acting, and sometimes the work wasn’t even conscious. There’s a scene in the harrowing fourth episode in which they both lie crumpled on the floor, an identical stress vein bulging in each forehead.

“It’s my go-to move, the throbbing forehead vein,” Isaac said on a follow-up video call last month. Chastain riffed on the joke: “That was our third year at Juilliard, the throb.”

By then, it had been five months since the shoot wrapped. Life had returned to something like normal. Jokes were possible again. Both of them seemed looser, more relaxed. (Isaac had already poured himself one tequila shot and was ready for another.) No one cried.

Chastain had watched the show with her husband. And Isaac, despite his initial reluctance, had watched it, too. It didn’t seem to have changed his experience.

“I’ve never done anything like it,” he said. “And I can’t imagine doing anything like it again.”

###

[silverlake-rp]

The following characters have just joined Silver Lake! Please go over the checklist, make sure everything is in order, and send in your account in under 48 hours.

Kennedy Harrison [ Rachael Taylor, Surgical resident ]

Jax Oliver [ Penn Badgley, Owner of Cinema Paradiso ]

Belinda Davenport [ Gillian Anderson, Executive Management CEO ]

Adam Prince [ James Lafferty, Indie filmmaker ]

Reagan Boyd [ Zoey Deutch, Personal Assistant ] 

[ KENNEDY HARRISON . 28. FEMALE. SHE/HER] is here! They’ve lived in Silver Lake for [ SIX MONTHS ] and are originally from [ SCARSDALE, New York ]. They are an [ SURGICAL RESIDENT ] and in their downtime love [ JOURNALING ] and [ HIKING ]. They look a lot like [ RACHAEL TAYLOR ] and live [ ON REDCLIFF STREET ]. (ooc: lila, 26, they/them, est)

[ JAX OLIVER. 32. CIS MALE. HE/HIM ] is here! They’ve lived in Silver Lake for [ 4 YEARS ] and are originally from [ NEW YORK ]. They are a [ OWNER OF CINEMA PARADISO ] and in their downtime love [ CUTTING OLD FILM ] and [ TRESPASSING THE HOLLYWOOD SIGN ]. They look a lot like [ PENN BADGLEY ] and live [ IN OASIS APARTMENTS ]. (ooc: si, 25, she / her, GMT)

[ BELINDA DAVENPORT. 52. FEMALE. SHE/HER] is here! They’ve lived in Silver Lake for [ 19 YEARS ] and are originally from [ LONDON, ENGLAND ]. They are a [EXECUTIVE MANAGMENT CEO ] and in their downtime love [ ART ] and [ BUYING EXPENSIVE SHOES ]. They look a lot like [ GILLIAN ANDERSON ] and live [ IN SILVERWOOD TERRACE ]. (ooc: Tally, 33, she/her, gmt)

[ADAM PRINCE. 30. MALE. HE/HIM] is here! They’ve lived in Silver Lake for [20 YEARS] and are originally from [LONDON, ENGLAND]. They are an [INDIE FILMMAKER] and in their downtime love [EIGHTIES MOVIES] and [ DRINKING]. They look a lot like [JAMES LAFFERTY] and live [IN OASIS APARTMENTS]. (ooc: Jill, 27, she/her, gmt )    

[ REAGAN BOYD. 26. CIS FEMALE. SHE/HER. ] is here! They’ve lived in Silver Lake for [ TWO YEARS ] and are originally from [ PALO ALTO, CALIFORNIA ]. They are a [ PERSONAL ASSITANT ] and in their downtime love [ ROLLERSKATING ] and [ KARAOKE ]. They look a lot like [ ZOEY DEUTCH ] and live [ ON REDCLIFF ST ]. (ooc: liv, 23, she/her, est ) 

[withluvliv]

journal 023 | 12.14.19

♪ | i fall in love too easily | chet baker

I think this is one of my favorite photos of myself. Captured by my dad as we journeyed through an art museum, there’s me, gazing in reverence at the first Monet I’d ever seen in person. Ribbon in my hair, wearing one of my favorite outfits, completely lost in the moment of being in that small, quiet museum- this photo so perfectly captures who I am. It was magical. There was no crowd pushing against me to get a better view of the painting, no guard shouting at small children, “Too close, too close!” The small museum was silent. My dad and I were the only ones on the 2nd floor where the painting resided. It was just Monet and me for a moment in time and space.

xx

It’s been a lovely few days! I visited the Phoenix Art Museum! While I know it can’t compare to the grandeur of big city museums, its empty halls and silent exhibits are so perfect for me. I never felt rushed or cramped or self-conscious. I can’t wait go go back again soon. Museums are my happy place :) Backtracking a little bit in the events that have happened in the past few days, I took my pre calculus final on Thursday after being off the grid for the past week studying hard. My work paid off, and I got 100% on the final! I actually hadn’t gotten 100% on a unit or final math test since freshman year, so you can imagine my excitement when my grade came back. On Friday, I turned in my final project for chemistry and took my final, which I also did very well on :) This marked the end of my first semester of junior year. Time flies.

I took the ACT for the first time this morning. I definitely felt like I could have done much better but oh well- I’m planning on taking it a few times. I feel like nothing can prepare you for sitting in a small classroom for 5 hours with one small break in the middle, taking a test that defines your future. It’s tiring and I was thankful to come home and break out my old 3DS to play some Animal Crossing! That game is so incredibly relaxing! It has the same vibes as the old ‘90s and early ‘00s Ghibli films- innocent and beautiful and pure and relaxing and oh so nostalgic.

I spent the night getting organized for the break and tying up loose ends with teachers and classmates. I’m not exactly sure when I go back to school (I haven’t checked the schedule recently- I think it’s the 4th or 5th of January) but in this moment, I just want to be content and, well, live in the moment. Last week, in a slightly panicked moment, my workaholic self asked a friend what in the world I should do on break. “Liv!” she laughed. “You work so hard on violin and school all year. Do absolutely nothing this break!” I think I’ll take her advice- do a bunch of nothing for the next 2-3 weeks. Bake some cookies. Read a few books (I started Jane Eyre this evening). Go on bike rides. Explore some libraries. Go on some long drives. I still don’t have many friends here in Phoenix, but I’m excited to FaceTime my best friend from back home a bunch! I’m just excited to relax and take a good mental break before school and new college classes start up again.

I’m headed to my little brother’s golf tournament tomorrow and I’m excited to cheer him on! The course is in the art district of the city and I’m so happy to be there again. It’s where I feel the most myself and if I end up staying here in the desert, I can see myself living there. Sorry for the long update- I promise I’ll get back to posting various photos of my own, mood boards, and playlists at least once a day again! Much love!!

- 𝓁𝒾𝓋

[snowangeldotmp3]

sorry la la land posting on main but something that will always get me is just how sad mia & sebastian's theme is. it's a love song but it can't last. the song knows this before we do, before they do. it's so hopeful and so melancholic at the same time. or towards the end it begins to get frustrated and rushed and stumbling all over one another just like mia and sebastian's relationship toward the end of the film. the song wants something else, wants to move on, needs to move on and it can't last!!

[trackgirltuesday]

a combination of things has me wanting to start opening up on this blog & while it may just be for me, I have this feeling in my chest that it may serve not just myself better, but maybe others too. I want something indicative of a blank slate and of who I am in this present moment. I guess this a journal for me, but if it connects me to more of you during this time that’d be pretty cool.

I left my apartment in New York City (wow I miss u) because of the COVID-19 quarantine to be safe and surrounded by family in my childhood home in PA. And ever since, I’ve watched my time spent on social media since this can be such a confusing and anxiety-provoking time. This has made me appreciate Tumblr more than ever-I feel like I can share in an open and authentic way without judgement that I just don’t feel the same about other platforms. I want to build and be a part of community, ESPECIALLY in this time in our lives.

With that, I have been really inspired lately by what I am learning and how I can share my knowledge and experiences to better shape health education. There are so many unhealthy and triggering myths that exist in the world that are perpetuated and circulated by social media. Or, maybe you’re a beginner and just don’t know where to start. Here’s the thing: I’m learning with you. I want to be a positive force, a liaison if you will, between what is clinically proven in research and practice and how we as normal, everyday, messy humans can live better, INDIVIDUALIZED, lifestyles for no one but our damn selves in our nutrition and exercise.

So to start off, my name is Olivia (no one calls me Liv anymore and I miss the hell out of it so please feel free to), I’m 22 years old, and I am currently a first year student (a 2nd year in 2 weeks!) in a Doctorate of Physical Therapy program. I am a certified personal trainer through the National Academy of Sports Medicine, and am studying currently to be a certified strength and conditioning specialist (CSCS through NSCA!). I studied biology in my undergrad years, and I am a former NCAA Division I athlete in cross country and track & field. I grew up playing soccer and tennis up until college, before switching to mid and long distance running. My current relationship with running is on the mend: I tore my hip labrum about a year ago, and after finally figuring out the diagnosis, I’m back to running 2-3 times a week. Right now I’m really into HIIT, strength circuits, and boxing. Outside of school, I worked at a yoga studio in the city and really started appreciating it! But, I am grateful for the fresh air of PA, my family, and a chance to grow.

My initial goals here are to get to know you guys and start sharing my ideas for exercises I’ve created that I’m really excited about (still gonna share chest/abs/shoulders for my distance runners out there-just gotta film)! Feel free to introduce yourself in the notes or my messages. Id love to hear what you’re up to, what you’re doing to stay active in quarantine, what type of fitness and wellness content you look forward to, and what you think is missing in YOUR daily lives that I can help provide. At the least, I’m excited to log my exercise ideas on this blog! I’m not a perfect athlete, I don’t look like a fitness model, and I won’t sell you the shortcut version of healthy habits. I’m a size 8 and content, I don’t have a killer tan 24/7, and I don’t look like a runner. But, I’m here to keep myself and hopefully you accountable, skeptical, vulnerable, gritty, and real.

These pictures are a day in my life of today. I’m taking classes online probably like most of you. Normally on Tuesday’s I have a 5 hr morning lecture and a 2 hr evening lecture. But today was for final presentations, so we were lucky enough to just have one long lecture for the day. After a morning lecture, the remaining 90 minutes were a yoga and meditations class. It felt really nice to practice outside in the sun and take things slowwwww. Running wasn’t on the agenda today but how! could! I! not! when the weather feels like that dream-like track meet? After being done with class for the day, I went on a lil 20 min slow jaunt for the day just to take everything in. Also, never thought I would enjoy running in a one-shoulder sports bra but this Fabletics top really is that! bitch!... Finished up this beautiful day with iced coffee, studying kinesiology & radiology on the deck in golden hour, and the most killer lasagna dinner with my parents. I hope today your 24 hours reflected everything your mind, body, emotions, and spirit wanted and needed them to be today :)

[oliviahellerarchive]

( KRISTEN BELL + CISFEMALE ) —  Have you seen OLIVIA HELLER ? This THIRTY-SIX year old is a VIDEO ESSAYIST and FILM PRODUCER who resides in BROOKLYN. SHE has been living in NYC for TWENTY YEARS, and is known to be HOSPITABLE and QUICK-WITTED, but can also be POMPOUS and PRICKLY, if you cross them.  People tend to associate them with COFFEE LEFT OUT OVERNIGHT and COLLECTOR’S EDITION BOX SETS — details under the cut!

BASICS

call her olivia, liv, livvie, livia... go crazy tbh. she doesn’t mind. 

as the line goes, just a small-town girl livin’ in that lonely world… or more accurately, born and raised midwestern lass who worked hard in high school, scored a scholarship to columbia, and never looked back.

initially wanted to go into political journalism, and had the academic credentials to back it up. but she couldn’t resist the pull of new york and the culture that comes with it, that she wound up working freelance for magazines instead. think variety, slate, the new yorker, criterion, sight & sound… ya know the drill. also worked a couple of odd jobs on the side to raise money bc this is NYC babey 

after a good decade of going back and forth jobs, she now holds a permanent staff position at the new yorker, and it was around this time that she’d begun experimenting with video essays — which she considers a more dynamic medium. that’s her main job now, but she still gets assigned feature writeups every now and then. an example of liv’s video essays around that time (x) (x) (x) (x)  

she also operates a youtube channel that aims to bring those more niche interests to a more accessible platform, kinda like nerdwriter’s channel except defo less popular (maybe half a million subscribers after four years, probs, but a few of her videos have gone viral). a lot of ppl in her line of work think it’s a shame she’s channeled her energy there but she’s like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ bro u gonna gatekeep art forever or what. 

has dabbled in filmmaking a few times in the past. mainly works as a line producer for independent films, but is constantly in want of new challenges. most recently, she’s involved w/ @giobaldini​​’s first feature ... among other things. 

main inspirations: kogonada for her career; megan amram, claire from bon appetit, and a bit of eleanor shellstrop for her personality. 

PERSONALITY, MOTIVATIONS, ETC.

her mom’s a high school teacher and her dad’s a laborer. she has three other siblings with whom she has a good, if not slightly distant, relationship. part of why she’s set out to NYC is because she wants to get out of that life, where nothing seems to be a-changin’ — sorta like ladybird from… well, lady bird. she’s harbored a lot of success since but, due to her working-class roots, she still harbors a lot of insecurity but also anger towards the (mostly) rich ppl in her line of work

she loves to be disagreeable sfdgkjsdfgsh and to an extent feeds off discourse. she’s the type of person to get into a minor fight on her twitter replies or youtube comments. it’s what’s gotten her in trouble with management, too

liv doesn’t have the warmest personality, but it is pretty easy to get to know her. the way to her heart is incredibly easy: a good film, bagels from the store down the street, and cold beer, and you’ve pretty much assured her friendship. but she’s the type to inadvertently collect people and their stories rather than sustaining actual relationships. she doesn’t exactly know how to just… talk to people, and committing to friendships or relationships rarely comes from her initiative. it’s something she knows is fundamentally wrong and trying very hard to overcome, especially because it’s hurt her and other people more times than she cares to admit.

the biggest virgo alive. please handle with caution.

she’s made a career of making video essays in ~arthouse filmes~ but don’t let that shit fool u. her favorite film is wimbledon.

tl;dr a big nerd who’s made a career out of being a nerd. 

hi, everyone! my name’s laine, 20+, gmt+8 and i’m so glad to be a part of this RP. olivia is a relatively new character of mine, and i would absolutely love new plots! currently looking for any and all connections lmao but i’ll automatically be reaching out if you reply/like to this post! :) 

[arecomicsevengood]

Watching Movies In Self-Isolation, Part Two

L’Assassin Habite Au Rue 21 (1942), dir. Henri-Georges Clouzot. Clouzot is better known for directing The Wages Of Fear (the movie William Friedkin remade as Sorcerer) and Diabolique, but this is the first movie he directed. It’s a pretty effective comedy, as well as an Agatha Christie style murder-mystery thriller. It’s really cool to watch these things that feel like they are just “movies,” before a bunch of genre conventions got built up and put in place. This one’s also eighty minutes long, super-short. The premise of the movie is there’s a serial killer on the loose, leaving a business card on every dead body. A dude passes along to the police that he found a stash of the business cards in the attic of a boarding house, so the killer must live there. A police officer goes undercover as a priest moving into the boarding house to investigate the residents. His wife, an aspiring singer, has made a bet with him she can solve the crime first, and in doing so become a celebrity that will be hired to perform places, so she also moves into the boarding house, partly to annoy him. The stuff at the boarding house is basically the film’s second act, while the first and third act are more typical murder-mystery stuff, although the tone of comedy is maintained throughout, despite all the cold-blooded murders.

All These Women (1964), dir. Ingmar Bergman. Kind of dumb sex comedy directed by Ingmar Bergman, but with gorgeous Sven Nykvist cinematography, bright jewel-toned pastels, and sort of theatrical staging in spots seeming to foreshadow Parajanov’s The Color Of Pomegranates or eighties Greenaway stuff. About a critic who visits the palatial estate of a famous cellist to write a biography of him only to find a harem of women; the whole thing unfolding from the cellist’s funeral a few days later. The winking humor is both music-hall bawdy but in a way that feels self-aware or “meta” in the context of a sixties film.

The Touch (1971), dir. Ingmar Bergman. Bergman’s one of my favorites, many of his canonized classics resonate deeply with me, but he was also astonishingly prolific, with a bunch of movies of his blurring together in my mind, and even more that I didn’t know existed, like this English-language one, starring Elliott Gould. Gould’s another favorite of mine, being in a bunch of great movies in the sixties and seventies, but damn, he’s unlikable here. Unlikable characters “hit different” in older material because I’m not sure if you’re supposed to sympathize with them according to the sexist cultural attitudes of the day. Here he’s “the other man” Liv Ullman is cheating on Max Von Sydow (RIP) with, but he’s pretty emotionally abusive, just a shit to her, extremely demanding of her in a relationship he did nothing to earn, though it does feel like the movie is kind of treating him as a romantic lead.

The Anderson Tapes (1971), dir. Sidney Lumet. This is heist movie, starring Sean Connery as a dude fresh out of prison, planning to rob his girlfriend’s apartment building, costarring Christopher Walken in his first film role. It contains all the plot beats of a typical heist thing, all the satisfying “getting the gang together, planning things out in advance, chaotic elements interfere” stuff but also a totally superfluous bit of framing about like constant surveillance, video monitoring and audio tape. All this dystopian police-state stuff seems, implicitly, like it would make a crime impossible to execute, the criminals are monitored every step of the way, by assorted agencies. But then the punchline, after everyone’s arrested for reasons having nothing to do with that, is that all this recording is illegal and all the tapes should be erased as the high-profile nature of the case makes it likely the monitoring agencies will get caught. Sidney Lumet directs a good thriller, even though I don’t find Connery (or Dyan Cannon, who plays the girlfriend) particularly compelling.

The Testament Of Dr. Mabuse (1933), dir. Fritz Lang. I watched this years ago, after reading Matt Fraction praise it, particularly how skillful the transitions between scenes were, and I really enjoyed it, but didn’t remember much about it and was excited to rewatch it. It’s got a lot going for it: An exceedingly elaborate criminal plot whose only goal is to wreak chaos, low-level criminals caught up in something they’re morally unprepared to reckon with, a charismatic police detective interviewing a bunch of weirdos, Fritz Lang following up M by continuing to be a master of film and sound editing very early stitching it all together. The Mabuse character was previously the star of a silent film I haven’t watched, and here he’s mute, which is a clever choice I didn’t register until writing it out just now. He’s gone completely insane, but is nonetheless writing a journal filled with elaborate crime plots, and his psychologist is completely insane and following these directions, in a commentary on the rise of Nazism in Germany at the time.

House By The River (1950), dir. Fritz Lang. I watched this in the pre-Quarantine days, but it totally rules. Again, it feels sordid in part because of how old it is and my assumption you’re meant to identify on some level with the completely loathsome protagonist’s sexual desire and anger at getting turned down. It’s so creepy, he’s listening to the sound of his maid showering at one point. All the characters seem very fun to play, they’re all pretty cartoonish. This guy murder his maid, and then gets the idea that he should write a book about the murder when someone explains the idea of “writing what you know” to him, and he is then surprised when his wife reads the book and puts together that it’s a murder confession, saying something like “Really? I thought I disguised it pretty well.” The film functions as a dark comedy because every character is completely mortifying. Lang’s work becoming less ambitious and more reduced in budget during his time working in America is pretty sad but this movie feels legit deranged.

Midsommar (2019), Ari Aster. Heard good things about Hereditary, but haven’t watched it yet, having been put off by the plot summary of Aster’s preceding short film, about a kid who rapes his dad. This is like a longer version of The Wicker Man, basically, starring Florence Pugh, who I had heard was like the new actress everyone’s enamored with, but didn’t think was that compelling in this. A bunch of Americans go to a Swedish village, one of them (played by Chidi from The Good Place) has studied their anthropology extensively, but all are unprepared for the fact that their whole culture seems to revolve around human sacrifice and having sex with outsiders so they don’t become totally inbred. There’s a monstrously deformed, cognitively impaired child who’s been bred specifically so his abstract splashings of paint can be interpreted as culture-defining profound lore, which I took away as being comparable to the role Joe Biden plays within the death cult of the DNC.

Long Day’s Journey Into Night (2019), dir. Bi Gan. This got a lot of acclaim, but I am almost certain the main reason I watched it is because the director made a list of his favorite movies and included Masaaki Yuasa’s anime series Kemonozume on it. Does a sort of bisected narrative thing, where half of the movie is this sort of fragmented crime thing, a little hard to follow, and then you get the title card, and then the second half is this pretty dreamlike atmospheric piece done in a single shot, with a moving camera. I’m not the sort to jerk off over long shots, although I appreciate the large amount of technical pre-planning that goes into pulling them off. The second part is pretty compelling though, enveloping, I guess it was in 3-D at certain theatrical screenings? I’m a little unclear on how my fucked-up eyes can deal with 3-D these days and I was never that into it. The first half is easy to turn off and walk away from, the second half isn’t but I’m unsure on how much it amounts to beyond its atmosphere.

Black Sun (1964), dir. Koreyoshi Kurahara. This one’s about a Japanese Jazz fan and dirtbag squatter who meets a black American soldier who’s gone crazy and AWOL. He loves him because he loves Jazz and all Black people, but the soldier is pretty crazy and can’t understand him anyway. Jazz is, or was, huge in Japan and this is a cooler depiction of that fandom than you get in Murakami novels but it’s a fairly uncomfortable watch, I guess because the black dude seems so crazy it feels a little racist to an American audience? Maybe he wasn’t being directed that well because there would be a language barrier but it’s weird.

Honestly the thing to watch from sixties Japan on The Criterion Channel is Black Lizard (1962), dir. Umetsugu Inoue, which I watched shortly after Trump’s election in 2016, when all the Criterion stuff was still on Hulu, and it cheered me up considerably in those dark days. It feels a little like The Abominable Dr. Phibes, but with a couple musical numbers, and is about a master detective who thinks crime is super-cool and wishes there was a criminal who would challenge his intellect. Then the Black Lizard kidnaps someone. It’s a lot of fun, with a tone that feels close to camp but is so knowing and smart it feels more genuinely strange and precise. One of those things you get fairly often where the Japanese outsider’s take on American genre stuff gets what it’s about more deeply and so feels like it’s operating on a higher level. I really love this movie.

I had this larger point I wanted to make about just feeling repulsed by genre stuff that self-consciously attempts to mimic its canonical influences and that might not be all the way present in this post. Still, something that really should be implicit when talking about movies from the past is that they are not superhero movies, and how repulsed I am by that particular genre’s domination of cinema right now, and how much of cinema has a history of something far looser and more freewheeling in its ideas of how to make work that appealed to a broad audience, and how much weird formal playfulness can be understood intuitively by an audience without being offputting, and the sort of spirit of formal interrogation connects the films I like to the comics I like (as well as the books I like, and the visual art I like), this sense of doing something that can only be done within that medium even as certain other aspects translate.

[whatadaze]

Could you maybe write a fic about Noliv going to an art museum for a cute date? ☺️

if we don’t get a date clip in the future i will RIOT

Liv finds out about this place on a day when her mind was feeling cluttered and she needed to get some fresh air. She had been stuck for days not able to come up with anything for her music and she figured a walk might help.

After roaming around the streets of her neighborhood, she came upon a small art museum tucked away from the crowds of people. She would’ve missed it too, if it hadn’t been for the sun shielding her eyes at just the right moment. 

Curiosity took the best of her and she stepped into the quaint museum. 

And she’s glad she did.

Because the first thing that popped up in her mind was Noah.

Not because it was simply an art museum, but because the type of work that filled the room simply was Noah. 

It reminded her of his room, the way there seemed to be no order to where each piece was displayed, but somehow it all just made sense.

And she knew that she would need to bring him here one day.

The thought of doing so sparked a melody in her head and she quickly sat down and pulled out her journal as the lyrics began spilling out of her and onto the pages. 

********

“I could’ve sworn it was down this way,” she mutters. “Fuck….maybe it was on the other street.” 

“And you’re still not going to tell me where we’re going?” Noah asks, clearly amused. “Maybe I can help.” 

Liv shakes her head. She wants this to be a surprise for him. He is always the one planning their dates and this time, she’s the one that found the perfect place. 

“It’ll show up soon enough,” she says, mostly to herself. “Ha! I see it!”

Noah’s eyes widen in surprise but he allows Liv to drag him by the arm and into the small building. 

“I found this place a couple of days ago,” Liv explains quietly. 

She greets the lone security guard sitting by the door and he waves back, a look of recognition on his face.

Liv figures that he must not be used to seeing regulars since he seems to remember her. 

“Nice, isn’t it?” she says proudly. “I knew I needed to bring you here…something about this place is so…”

“Inspiring?” Noah finishes, glancing around the museum. 

He begins walking around and Liv follows beside him, smiling when he absentmindedly grabs her hand. Sometimes, Noah will note something about a certain piece, but for the most part, they roam around in silence. 

They lose track of time in the small museum and before they know it, the guard tells them that it’s almost time to close up.

“We should go,” Noah says. “Thank you for bringing me here, Liv.” 

Liv smiles and squeezes his hand.

She feels proud of herself for finding a place like this, and although it takes almost little to no effort to please Noah, she could tell he really liked this place. But just as they were about to step out, she hears the guard yell out, “Bye Noah!” 

His words make Liv stop mid-step.

“You’ve been here before?!” 

Noah winces as he waves at the guard and drags them out of the building.

“Well yes…” he says slowly. “But every time I come here it’s like it’s the first time. So really, you could say I haven’t.” 

“And we spent hours in there! You could’ve told me, Noah,” Liv tells him.

She crosses her arms, annoyed by their wasted day.

Noah laughs and gently places his hands on her shoulders. 

“Liv,” he says softly. “Today was one of the best dates I’ve ever had. And it’s not because I’ve already been here. It’s because you thought to bring me to a place that I love and cherish. The fact that this place made you think of me…that in itself made me fall for you even more.” 

He always seems to know what to say to make her smile and it frustrates her to a certain extent. She could never stay annoyed at him for too long.

“Well,” she mutters. “I guess I’m just amazing like that, huh?” 

Noah nods, finally pulling her to his chest. “The most amazing.” 

Liv basks in this moment between them, tucked away from the busy streets and just holding each other.

“So is this our place now, right?” Noah asks, his words disgustingly corny as usual. 

“And now you ruined it,” she tells him, pulling away. “Our place? What are we, a romantic comedy movie?” 

“Hm,” he smiles. “I would say an elegant romance film.” 

Liv rolls her eyes but leans up to place a light kiss on his cheek. 

“Fine,” she agrees. “This can be our place.” 

Noah tightens his hold on her. “Hey, last time I checked, romance films always end with a deep, passionate kiss. The one you gave me just won’t suffice. It’s a cinematic rule.” 

“I never took you for a rule follower,” she jokes.

He’s already beginning to lean down as he whispers, “well sometimes I make exceptions.” 

And despite the fact that Liv would usually despise anything remotely corny as their exchange, she smiles into his lips and loses herself to this cheesy, (sometimes) rule-abiding boy. 

[olympianstudies]

TAG GAME

I know I am really late to this party, but thank you, @nitestudies @ti-journal @coffeeandnoted and @mypsychstudies!!!!!

Rules: Answer 17 questions and tag 21 bloggers

Nickname: Sa/Sabri/Sam

Starsign: capricorn

Height: 1.52m

Last film I watched: Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

Favourite musician: Taylor Swift/The Lumineers

Song stuck in my head: Nero Bali - Elodie, Michele Bravi, Guè Pequeno

Other blogs: @olympianroyalty @oh-ishouldnt @floweringwisdom

Do I get asks: Sometimes?

Blogs following: 100

What I’m wearing: Jeans and a green t-shirt

Dream job: writer

Dream trip: London (live there), Japan (for a month) and Greece (as long as I can)

Play any instruments: eletronic piano, flute and guitar (not good in any of those)

Languages: Portuguese and English (currently flirting with Ancient Greek and Japanese)

Favourite food: how can I choose just one????

Favourite song: Paper RIngs - Taylor Swift (currently, ask me again tomorrow tho)

Random fact: I always wanted to learn Russian

Blog Tags: @capheine @esthersurvivescollege @luna-drops @sisterofiris  @studyingfilms @littlelegsbigdreams @studylanguagepersonthing @caroline-studying @becca-the-disaster-child101 @virginiadear @imma-bean @amanha-errei @studycry @gingerspicestudies @lawnerdd @study-floral @workstudyprogress @studies-and-sunsets @likystudy @kkaitstudies @liv-studyblr

[couragekind]

@soldier-poet-king : posts a tag meme

me: 

Rules: answer these questions then tag some blogs you’d like to know better

Nickname: Olive (my fav!!), olive oyl, Liv, Livvy, 

Zodiac Sign: Aquarius

Height: 5′5″

Time: 6:10pm mountain time

Favorite band/artist: lol so many but like Janelle Monae, Hozier, the Eagles, Fleetwood Mac, BTS, Hayley Kiyoko, FOB, MCR, Billie Eilish, Florence + The Machine...that’s all I can think of at the moment

Song stuck in my head: mary by big thief because i’ve been rlly Going Through It 

Last movie I saw: Captain Marvel, and it was soooo good!!!!! 

Last thing I googled: Rose Bowl Stadium, cuz I’m going to see a concert there in a couple of months :D

Other blogs: @mademoiselle-olivia is my main blog, almost 100% Aesthetic; @literal-heart-shaped-smile is my kpop sideblog where you can find me thirsting over kpop boys

Do I get asks: lol no

Why did I chose this username: it’s from one of my fav quotes “have courage and be kind” from the 2016 Cinderella movie!!

Following: 339 (i thought it was a lot higher than that wow)

Average amount of sleep: too many, and yet not enough

Lucky number: 3 or 7

What am I wearing: my eeyore onesie pjs

Dream job: mostly just wanna be a mom, but if I could also be a writer/therapist/screenwriter/trophy wife/philanthropist that’d be gr8

Dream trip: Seoul, Tokyo, Guanajuato...I mean, I kinda want to go everywhere

Favorite food: spaghet, mac nc cheese, grilled cheese, chile verde (esp *my* chile verde), pho, pork tamales

Play any instruments: nah, never had the attention span to learn

Eye color: brown

Hair color: brown but with like...super faded red highlights/ombre

Describe yourself as aesthetic things: the taste of sea salt on your tongue long after you’ve left the beach, the smell of sunscreen, a dozen dr. pepper cans piled in your room, twigs and leaves stinging the soles of your bare feet, christmas tamales sold by a kind stranger, laying in the bathtub and pretending the water dripping over the sides are your tears, the aching need to hold and be held, old Disneyland tickets taped into journals

Languages you speak: English…I promise I’ll start learning spanish abuela, stop looking at me like that

Most iconic song: i can’t listen to this w/out crying

Random fact: danny trejo and clint eastwood have filmed movies in my sleepy little town

I’m tagging all of you, so make sure to @ me in your post! <3

[incaseiforgettocall]

prelude

Liv asked me to write her a paragraph about an experience in Italy, so I sat down and documented a period of about an hour in my journal. It’s very wistful and overly poetic but I’m posting it here in case that gets stolen too! 

This may go off on a tangent but here we go. I'm sitting outside Asinelli Tower in Bologna, Italy. It took 498 steps to get to the top and I wore the wrong shoes and I slipped half a dozen times, other people looked concerned but you know me, I fall 30 times a day. 

It's hot and sunny, Perth summer sunny, so naturally, I'm thriving. There's plenty of bikes along the cobbled streets. Close by there's a woman singing with a man playing cello, she's surrounded by a circle of people, I don't understand what she's saying but she's dancing and people are filming and someone is clapping. I involuntarily tear up. Earlier this year I stopped listening to music for about a month, at my worst. It’s nice to not be in that place anymore. 

Right now, these are happy tears. Yesterday I cried because I realised I ordered gelato for the 3rd time in two days and I was reminded of when my mother had to sit with me for 3 hour periods to force feed me pasta. Sometimes I think she's braver than I am for letting me run away all the time. 

The buildings are such beautiful hues, I often find myself stopping in the street and staring at them, attempting to memorize their architecture. Bus's roll by. People stroll along with their expensive Swedish backpacks, phone in hand, partner in arm. I am not jealous. 

My water is blown off the bench by the wind and an older Italian man hands it back to me. I've decided I like the Italian's. They’re kind and only look at me slight odd when I journal with teary eyes on their streets. So far, since the phone loss, I've filled pages on my fear of failure, my grandmother and if she would be dissappointed in me, my constant feelings of inadequacy, heartbreak, my inability to let go of places and people and things. I feel like I've cried 10 years of pain out somewhere between Spain and Germany. It feels pretty fucking good. 

I smell cigarette smoke, seafood from the markets a few blocks over, the pizza I anticipate I will buy for lunch. It is so so beautiful, the building to my left is a burnt orange and infront a faded peach. I love the windows. 

A woman scolds her crying child in Italian, someone else whistles, another bike rolls past. I'm still crying happy tears, the happiest tears since I first climbed the canyon in California 18 months ago. After all, how can anyone be sad here? 

I get up and wander, past the woman with the cello who's probably singing love songs and has now thrown her denim jacket on the floor. There's a heap of people, but not like Barcelona's heap of people, maybe akin to the Melbourne CBD. But they're all strolling, no ones rushing. I head towards the streets behind Piazza Maggiatore. There's hundreds of little restaurants on the laneways here, it's warm, so beautifully warm. I people watch, I smell the gnocchi.

 I see a church by the markets, not nearly as elaborate as the magnificent cathedrals in Madrid but I am drawn to it. I haven't been to church willingly since my grandmother died. Before then I'd go with my mum and I'd buy my prayer cards and when it didn't work I got angry at this God who had promised so much but couldn't give me the only thing I wanted. It's been years but i put in a euro and I light two candles - one for my mama, and one for the uncle I never got to meet.

It smells like church, there's mostly tourists, no ones praying but for some reason I decide to kneel in one of the pews and say my first genuine prayer in 10 years. I cry a bit again. I'm still not sure if I believe in god, but I think today I finally stopped being so angry at him. I’m learning to stop being so angry at a lot of things 

It is summer, it is warm, I am alone on the streets of Italy, and I am learning to forgive myself.