#liv ponders idk

[hooid]

Religious trauma does fucked up things to you.

You trap youself in your own prison inside your mind, forcefully or not, and bind your heart with the toughest chains you can create. The tallest walls. The spikiest thorns. The toughest face.

But sometimes it just breaks. And you get that... feeling.

The passing thought that you can talk and rant and traumadump and explain as much as you can, and noone will ever truly understand. Noone that's willing to listen has ever been through it before. You can only wish they empathize.

Time will pass and that prison will stay. Tighter and tighter and tighter, lonelier and more suffocating than ever before.

Until it breaks again. And again and again...

Noone will ever know, and noone will ever relate.

I wish I could miss the past like my friends do.

The birthday parties, the christmas gifts, the parties and the sleepovers. Having your first girlfriend, your first kiss, going out at night and watching the latest movie. Living life.

But I can't miss the past like my friends do. Because I had none.

I was supposed to be praying.

And I spent it fearing.

I wish you feel understood one day. Heard. I wish you to live the life you were never allowed to live with the enthusiasm you were never allowed to feel.

I wish you commit a mistake one day and the gargantuan weight of eternal retribution doesn't make you falter.

I wish you never feel like that little kid again.

[trainer-blue]

a.tsv john’s the kind of jew who doesnt know shit abt judaism i think

[rooneysliv]

closed starter for @howromantic location: idk dinner somewhere after a recording session

"You will not believe how long I've been waiting for this." The compliment shower came pretty much as soon as the two were seated at their table. It was the very least that she could do for the girl after she agreed to a collaboration. "I mean pretty much immediately after as I saw you in Mamma Mia, I was like 'I need to have her on my next album.' You were just incredible in that and then your album came out and I was blown away, seriously. Maddie said great things about your voice, and I have to say I'm a bit jealous that she got to hear you before I did." The obligatory sister mention was needed, Liv wanted to keep her sister in a good light in front of Toulouse's sister. She pondered on other things her sister might've said about the Bonfamilles, finding anything for Marie to comment on so she could talk about herself. "And you've just been keeping all this talent hidden away in France. I, for one, am lucky that the island is getting to see you have your moment."

[grapecaseschoices]

HEHEHEHHEHEHE alright so we already know who alexis would be paired with. How about liv though??? Maybe even gwen?

who. who would alexis be paired with? ;-P

liv OBVIOUSLY would be paired with ME.

okay i have three off my head but i think im going to lean toward with Lucienna Doneghan (though it really depends on how old liv is). Cienna is 5′0, fat, and has a light academia (with a touch of cottagecore) vibe but more colorful. Maybe romantic academia would be a better description? idk.

She is the daughter of a politician and has a lot of expectations -- her mom loves her (she hopes), but never seems to be happy with anything she does (her weight, her shyness, etc). So, they would have that going on. She’s also a lot more demure and her type of kindness errs toward the more quiet, polite sort than Liv’s sunshiney gusto; but she does have a bright energy. She’s very loyal and stubborn, and though she’s a book nerd the likes N would appreciate, she also really enjoys nature and animals. I can see them going out for cute dates. 

I feel she’s reserved enough to give Liv a challenge but she’s definitely more open to giving love than Ava .... and receiving (though she has mommy issue hang ups and her actual mom that might present some angst).

for gwen i need to ponder, more. i have two bloody-handed but redeemed ocs that could work, but i’ll get back to you.  how does gwen feel about single parents? guardians?

put a description of your oc in my inbox, and i’ll tell you which of my ocs would date them

[h0t-p1nk-ch33tah-pr1nt]

KICKS MY FEET, cuzzzzz Liv is def a Octopus + Snooty villager (like petri except for the mouse bit JABSJSNSSK)

Idk! There's not really any kk songs that have scientist themes? Maybe pondering bc I do be thinking

Cuz it's also petri's fave song

F/O reblog game! ☆☆☆

Give me ur goofy goobers and I'll assign them a Animal crossing Species + Personality like ex with my Boyfriend Hobie is a smug and ostrich villager

This is all in good fun! And I might add a kk song to ur post, but I might be slow to this as well! x x

ALSO 1 f/o at a time! Multiple replies are allowed :]]

[the-fearless-ragamuffin]

...A Life Free of the Mask

It wasn’t that she meant to show up late intentionally, in fact she heavily regretted doing so. Only having had a brief moment to see her friends before they left, but not without Mary giving her some sort of small piece of paper, telling her to place it on her tongue, and it would cause hallucinations. 

After the misadventures of her past, one would think Olivia would have learned her lesson on trusting people so quickly, or what they gave her, or that she would stop and listen to the full instructions before doing something. Experience truly should have guided her better, and yet, she continued to make the same mistakes. 

It took roughly twenty minutes after putting the little paper on her tongue before the affects started to set in. At that point she was hovering over a fountain with an elf speaking to her. The words lit up in front of her eyes, but were hard to make out. It didn’t matter much to Liv, she just appreciated that someone was beside her. 

“...or keep denying it.” 

Those words pulled her from her stupor. She wasn’t quite sure of the context, but it resonated with her. Vibrated almost. Olivia had denied herself, her ‘true’ self, and she continued to do so. The fear of facing what she was petrified her. Perhaps if she had known the truth sooner, things would be different, but the past couldn’t be changed. 

 Sweat began to bead underneath her mask, as a timely attendant came by with refreshments which Olivia indulged in quickly. She hadn’t realized how dry her mouth had become until the beverage pushed past her lips, not that wine was great for hydrating, but it was better than nothing. At this time she was alerted to a spot designated to relaxing, and she jumped on the opportunity to take it. Her nerves were on edge, and she feared that her worst nightmare would come true if she didn’t get a handle on it. 

The pools were calming as she stared into them, taking breaths that followed the ripples. 

In.

Hold.

Out.

Hold.

Repeat. 

The cool stone of the temple floor against her chest felt fresh. It felt peaceful. Serene. Arguably the most calm Olivia has ever been. She stared at her reflection in the water, the blue marbled eyes of her mask stared back at her, mocking her. She couldn’t help but envy the figure before her. Birds were free creatures, with the ability to fly where they wish. As if to mock her thoughts, the visage began to move, and it left with a ripple of water, just as the Ren’dorei that had assisted her to the fountain had found her again, to check in.

Olivia found herself walking along side the shadowy figure up to set of steps where a crowd had gathered, a woman was set at the top giving a closing speech to the nights festivities. Olivia stared on in awe as the woman spoke, clutching on to each and every word, so as to not lose anything. Before she knew it...it was over. People were leaving through portals or hearthstones. Some just wandering away.

“A life free of the mask...” Olivia repeated the last words of the farewell in a whisper. 

In one moment, she was at the foot of the stairs, pondering everything. The party. Her friends. Her life. Her self. In the next, she found herself waking up in a damp hole beneath the buildings of Boralus, her costume strewn about from the entrance down to where she lay naked in a nest of roots. Olivia blinked a few times, allowing her eyes to focus, and she found herself staring into the blue marbled eyes of the mask once more. Her lips twitched into a scowl and she pushed herself up, reaching for the mask to throw it against the wall of the cavern. It clamored against the dirt ground back to her feet and stared up at her once again. 

In.

Hold.

Mentions: @foxglovethings @longveil

Out.

Resigning her battle with the mask, Olivia went about picking up the other pieces of her outfit, dressing herself to the bare minimum before making her way out of the hole. At the entrance she paused and a hand quickly flew up, feeling around the base of her bare neck.

Her necklace was missing. 

Olivia swiftly threw all her items to the ground and shook them out, she retraced her steps in the cave, searching, and still came up with nothing. She dropped to her knees with devastation, hands dug through the tough and untouched dirt desperately when a gleam caught her eye. Quickly she stood up to run to it, only to trip over her cloak. Her out stretched hands wrapped around the item and pulled it close to her, revealing only a smooth white stone. 

The young girl curled herself into a tight ball as the realization of her loss hit her. She clutched on to the stone tightly, trying in some way to will the shape to change  to her pendant as tears began streaming down her cheek.

“No...no no...Someone...Help me..I can’t do this alone...”

[hooid]

"Real darkness has love for a face" is probably one of the hardest and most soul crushingly sad lines written in videogame history and I can't express enough how much it and many other lines from Disco Elysium shaped me to be the person I am now.

These are screams and pained cries by and for the survivors and descendants of a revolution that burned the roots of a world and never let the soil recover. Lines like "Should the stars also go out", "This is all you have. Streets and sodium lights" or "It's about failure" are bright and beautiful and thought provoking and so, so sad.

But they're hopeful. Oh so very hopeful.

These are MY cathedrals. Not economic growth or going to the moon or getting a new car or house or breaking the human limit or making women love me. Just a bunch of pixels and lines of code written by depressed alcoholics in the brink of bankruptcy because they want the world to be better, and only people can make it better.

A bunch of stupid lines that got me organizing and out of drinking and sure that even if we're already fucked and the world is done I can and WILL try to make it better.

There's this twitter post saying that hope is not pristine delicate and ephemeral but dirty and bloody and ready to get her ass up for the 20th time to lose another tooth.

Because we will do the little things and the kind acts to the ones we love and we will rise together to do the big things and the fierce acts.

Not for us, but for all.

[hooid]

Something that keeps coming to haunt me is that not only do I have to go through the harrowing journey of coming out to a religious family AND get hrt (with the possibility of getting a doctor that doesnt fucking know anything about trans healthcare, meaning ill have to do the research myself) is that then I have to wait for idk how many years to see actual changes, and then learn stuff like how to do my makeup, or take care of my skin, learn how to stylize and dress pretty and voice train and everything else

Like, I know these things will make me happy and will absolutely help with my really really bad dysphoria, but it just seems like so much fucking WORK.

I want to do all of these things so bad but years and years of waiting for what? More waiting but a little less painful maybe? Why do I have to wait for so long to feel like I even AM myself?

It just fucking tears my soul... It kills my will to improve and move on and try and laugh and live and be myself

I can't see the end of the tunnel. I don't know if there is one, even. There's only darkness and a slither of hope that I will see a distant light one day that will give me some strength, whatever that entails.

[hooid]

I've been trying to get to this really cool new cafeteria for weeks PRAYING that i manage to secure a table and the fucking day I'm able to wake up extremely early they put up a sign saying that they're moving to another place due to OVERCROWDING

GOD WON'T LISTEN TO MY SORROWS BECAUSE HE FEARS MY TEARS WILL REKINDLE HIS MERCY

[hooid]

I do creative writing and poetry and all that and lately I've been wondering if I should post it in here and give it a tag and whatnot hmmmmm what do I do