#littlebylittlealittlebecamealot

[littlebylittlealittlebecomesalot]

Ich habs versucht. Ich komme ohne dich nicht aus.

Marius Müller Westernhagen - Johnny Walker

Ich vermisse dich Papa.

[littlebylittlealittlebecomesalot]

[littlebylittlealittlebecomesalot]

I love it!

[littlebylittlealittlebecomesalot]

I know that no one will read that or reply to it. I just wanna share my thoughts. My last 3 weeks were stressful as hell and right now I'm in a middle of a breakdown I guess. Since 2 hours I'm so fucking close to cut myself again. My brain is having a war between cutting or just letting it go. I need it so bad but then otherwise when I take the knife in my hand I think about it again. It's almost when I was young and had no space left to hide my wounds and scars. I know I will do it, even though I'm thinking about it so hard.

[littlebylittlealittlebecomesalot]

The best day in 2021 so far! Good conversations, laughed so much and full of love. I can’t describe how happy this man makes me! For sure he drives me insane sometimes but summing it up I’m more happy than I ever was.

[littlebylittlealittlebecomesalot]

[littlebylittlealittlebecomesalot]

Strange day today. Woke up late, felt like I cried the whole night (I didn’t), ate breakfast, did some university, skipped Zoom call to drink a coffee, went to city, my favorite coffee shop was already closed. Went back home with literally no energy but ate a big ball of salat (why?!) did nothing again and my mood was bad. My boyfriend and I started to be in a small fight cause he wanted to cook on Monday with me. I asked if he’s busy the weekend and he answered kind of. I know he knew that I was in a strange mood that’s why he told me he’s gonna come over tomorrow and help me choose the clothes I’ve ordered. It was very cute of him cause he knew I needed help to choose and especially cause he knows I always wanna spent time with him. But I just wanted to not be a burden (as always) to him and said he doesn’t need to come I can also sent him pictures. He started to freak out a bit cause he didn’t understand me and probably thought I didn’t want to see him. I explained to him I didn’t want to steal his time when he’s kinda busy. In the end I told him I would love to see him and I’m sorry that I didn’t make that clear but just wanted to be nice to him. I didn’t expect him to be so understandable asking me if everything is alright, if it’s something about my university and telling me “i love you” instead of our daily “love u” s. It’s small stuff but for me it still means a lot cause I’m definitely not used to this. Someone who is not starting a fight and giving me the fault. Someone who is patient with me and tries to understand me. Even though he acts like a gangster, forgets a lot, is sometimes not reliable and drives me crazy, he makes sure every day that I eat something warm, that I’m feeling good, helps me with everything when I need him. Cooks for me. Excuses for being late or when he makes a mistake and making sure he’s not doing it again. He listens to me in a way no one ever listened to me and he gives me the feeling that he’s really concerned about my feelings. He makes me tea or coffee in the morning and breakfast. He bought me a brush for my paintings and just gave it to me. He makes sure I’m warm when I have to walk home and gives me his hoodies and favorite jogging pants without me asking for it.

I don’t know how it happened but I fell in love with him even before he acted like that and was a complete asshole before. I’m happy to went after him for 2 years and didn’t give up.