#literally what would killing Raf even add to the story???

[choices-binglebonkus]

I’m still so blown away at how amazing Open Heart’s first book was and then how the quality plummeted with the second and never truly recovered.

[writefasttalkevenfaster]

Take My Hand (Part Two)

Summary: you thought it was enough, you thought it was what it deserved, but it wasn’t. it never was. (one of three four parts)

Pairings: Rafael Barba x Reader, Sonny Carisi x Reader

Word Count: 5,395

Song: I made you my temple, my mural, my sky / Now I'm begging for footnotes in the story of your life (tolerate it by taylor swift)

Warnings: T, implications of sex, so much angst, some swearing, 

A/N: again thank you to @bucky-of-the-opera​ and @qvid-pro-qvo​ but also @laneygthememequeen​ for giving me feedback and listening to me ramble as i continue to write this series. thank all of you for all of your wonderful comments/reblogs - every one gave me the motivation to keep writing! Also i made these timecards to account for the passage of time since we will be jumping through years quite a bit. 

“Why did we agree to  letting him shadow us again?” Rafael whispers to you, glancing at Sonny working at the conference table — his irritation evident, “it doesn’t give us a lot of time alone.” 

“Well, he’s a law student and a new detective, I’m trying to show him the ropes, and who's the one who got home late last night? Besides, he said he’d buy us coffee to thank us,” you lean away from him, nudging him, mouthing ‘be nice,’ “have you taken Criminal Procedure yet? Or Evidence?” 

“I’m taking Evidence right now, but this is nothing like learning about it in class,” he was flipping helping you root through the discovery that the defense had buried you in — a typical Buchanan maneuver, “Did you always think you would be a prosecutor?” 

You snort, “No,” and Rafael even looks up from his work, and you shake your head, “Well I thought I would go corporate at first, make some money to support myself, invest properly and then retire, but a year into doing that, I hated it. I ended up leaving without barely making a dent in my student loans.” 

“Ouch,” Sonny shook his head, “and you came here? Do you regret it?” 

“I’d be interested to hear the answer to this,” Rafael leans forward, resting his chin on his fist. 

You scoff at him, considering it — did you regret it? “I don’t,” you say, “although I’d be way less in debt, I wouldn’t be happy — I wouldn’t be helping victims, I wouldn’t be getting justice, and I wouldn’t be working with you two — “ Rafael’s gaze softens, “and here, I’m happy,” and you catch Rafael smiling at his desk, before adding, “except when Barba doesn’t get his coffee.” 

Sonny guffaws, trying and failing to hide it with a cough, “You want to get us some coffee, Fordham or are you too busy pulling a muscle from laughing?” 

“Alright, alright,” he holds his hands up in surrender, grabbing his jacket, before leaving, the office door swinging shut behind him. 

“Would it kill you to be a little nicer to him?” Rafael shrugs, rising from his desk, and wrapping his arms around you, “Raf—” 

“Better him than me, right?” he presses a kiss to your shoulder, “I liked it better when he had the mustache.” 

You laugh, shaking your head, as he sighs against the crook of your neck, “Just be nicer to him okay? He’s really trying here, and he’s a good detective.” 

“What’s with the sudden interest in Fordham?” 

You turn to face him, wrapping your arms around his shoulders, “His name is Sonny, and he’s sweet — I’m trying to help him out, and you should too. He looks up to you.” 

“Lucky me,” you press a kiss to his lips, “it’s not fair when you do that—” 

You kiss him again, your tongue tasting him, his mouth following yours as you slipped away back into your seat, “Be nice.” 

“As long as you���re nice to me tonight,” he replies, just before Carisi returns, coffees in hand. 

“I hope the shadowing has been helpful, I know Rafael can be an ass—” you shrugged your jacket off, slinging it over your arm, walking beside Sonny, the detective insisting on walking you home. 

“Well he wouldn’t be Barba otherwise, would he?” and you snort, glancing at your phone to see a text from him — working, will be late. Your place? 

“Well you’re right about that,” you tucked your phone away, seeing Sonny run his fingers over his chin and mouth, “missing the stache?” 

“Not really, no, but Rollins made a remark that I looked better with it,” he bites his lips, stuffing his hands in his pockets, “what do you think?” 

You purse your lips in mock thought, holding your chin,  “No, I think I prefer this look,” you laughed, “You look good.” 

“Oh I look good? Really?” and he raises his eyebrows suggestively, and you bump him with your shoulder, “come on, counselor, you can’t play coy.” 

You step in front of him, “Oh yeah, definitely — you’re a real heart stealer,”Before turning on your heel and continuing to stroll, “do you want to grab a drink?” and you didn’t catch the way he was looking at you as you walked away from him — his eyes shining in the low light of the streetlights. 

“Yeah, I’d love to.” 

“We know this guy is guilty,” Amanda told you two, her arms crossed, “but we can’t get past his troop of lawyers to get anywhere close to his employees.” 

Liv leans back in her chair, “So, why don’t you two do your job and get this guy on charges for us?” 

You sigh, scrubbing a hand over your face, “You don’t know that for sure, Liv, and even if you did — it goes against the justice system to just entrap people without a fair process first. We can’t do our jobs, until you guys do yours—” 

“We can’t get more evidence until he’s indicted — he’s too smart, he won’t expect it, he’ll get sloppy,” Liv looks at Barba for support, and as do you, lips a thin line, and he sighs. 

“We’ll get a grand jury together, we’ll send out subpoenas, and see where we are at—” 

You gape at him, “Rafael—” 

“I don’t know counselor, this could be risky—” Carisi steps forward, brow furrowed, “Lieu, she has a point — we take this now, we wouldn’t get another shot at him.” 

“It’s a risk I’m willing to take,” Rafael waved him off, “book him, now.” 

Liv and Amanda left, while Sonny hung around his desk, as you pulled Rafael aside, “Rafael, you literally went over my head—” 

His eyes narrowed, “We need to build a case—” 

You scoffed, “SVU builds the case, we prosecute it — we’re not in the business of using indictments to get our evidence,” you looked around the precinct, eyes flitted away, and you pulled him into Liv’s office, shutting the door, “you undermined me, my opinion—” 

He says your name, “You know I value your opinion but—” 

“Not as much as Liv’s,” and it’s his turn to gape at you, “you know this case doesn't have enough — and you’re pushing it through anyway—” 

“SVU cases are not open and shut—” 

“No case is open and shut— otherwise, we wouldn’t have so many innocent people die of the death penalty would we?” you grit your teeth, “you handle this case — if you want to take a half-baked case to a grand jury I won’t stop you, but I won’t be cleaning up your messes either.” 

He calls after you, but you leave without another word, stepping into the elevator, the doors shutting until a hand stops them — but it isn’t Rafael, “Counselor,” he steps in after you, hitting the ground floor button — the doors shutting, “are you okay?” 

“I’m fine,” his eyes fell on your fisted phone, knuckles white. 

“Your phone would beg to disagree — you’re aboutta crack the screen with your grip,” and your cheeks burn, slipping the phone into your pocket, “you know Lieu has a tendency to become a little blinded when it comes to the victims, she—” 

“I know, Sonny, and most of the time I find that admirable about Liv, but it’s our jobs as prosecutors to bring justice — and that’s not just for the victims, but it’s for society,” your eyes look the ceiling, blinking away hot tears of frustration, “pushing through cases like this isn’t justice — it’s reckless,” the elevator doors ding open, and you slip through, expecting to be alone, but Sonny still follows out the doors of the precinct. 

“I get it,” you huff, slowing to a stop, “I do, really. I may be a cop, but I want to be a lawyer too, and to be one, you gotta see both sides, don’t you? But what do you do when things are gray?” 

“You search for the truth,” 

His lips twisted in a frown, he asks, “and if you can’t find it?” 

“Then you look for the closest thing to it, but this, a fishing expedition—” you shake your head, “this isn’t it.” 

He nods, jerking his head, “Come on, let’s grab a coffee,” 

“I should get—” 

He smiles, “I’m sure Barba won’t mind the extra time to lick his wounds, you really chewed him out,” 

You raised an eyebrow, “How much of our conversation did you hear?” 

“Not much after you went into the office, but it was still obviously heated,” you feel anger sting at your eyes, the heat rising in your body, and instead of fury — it came in tears, how convenient, “but for what it’s worth, I value your opinion a lot, counselor. And I know Barba does too,” he adds, and you follow as he leads you away from the precinct, “he’s just not showing it well.” 

You glanced at your phone — Going back to the office, can we talk? — “No,” you reply, “No he isn’t.” 

But did he ever? 

“Where’d you learn to cook anyway?” your legs were slung over Rafael’s lap one Sunday morning, as he fed you another forkful of the huevos rancheros he had made,  “I thought you lived off coffee and Forlini’s.” 

“Ha, ha,” he kissed you, licking the bit of sauce left on your lips, “well consider it my way of making up for what happened with the case. I am sorry about that, you know that right?” 

“I do,” you open your mouth and he feeds you another bite, “but don’t think I didn’t notice you dodging the question, Barba.” 

He purses his lips, “How about we just say I learned for you and leave at that?” 

You frowned, “Raf,” he fell silent, the gears in his head turning, “you don’t have to talk about it, but you don’t have to lie either.” 

He starts softly, even as he stabs the eggs with his fork, “When my dad went off on one of his tirades, Mami wasn’t in any shape to cook, and she wouldn’t want to ask Abuelita since that would involve telling her what happened — so I would cook for us.” 

You lean over, pressing a small kiss to his cheek, “You never talk about your father,” 

“What’s there to talk about?” he replies quietly, “he married my mom — he was amazing at first, and then just like that,” he snaps his fingers, “he changed. When they got married, he had permission to be the person he always was — angry, disgusting, abusive. He made her cut off everyone out of her life, made her miserable, abused her, abused me—” he cut off, setting the fork down with a clatter, “but still, I see him every day when I look in the mirror — and I wonder if I’m any better than him at all.” 

“Rafael, look at me,” you slide closer to him, your fingers intertwined with his, when you tilt his chin up, “you are not your father — far from it. You help victims get justice, you help them tell their stories, you are a good man, one of the best men I know.” 

He sniffs, a small smile on his lips, “Even when I don’t get my coffee?” 

You roll your eyes, shifting again so your knees are either side of his lap, sitting properly on him, wrapping your arms around his neck, “Even then — Raf, you are so good, I just wish you’d see it — I wish you’d see yourself.” 

He leans up to kiss you, gently, “Maybe I can see myself through you,” he murmurs against your lips, pressing his forehead to yours, and you sit in silence for a moment — in peace, before he finally breaks it, “I think it’s because of him that I’m so scared of us — I don’t want to be him.” 

“You could never be him—”  

“But you don’t know that,” he replies, his gaze falling to his lap, dark, as he shifts you softly off of him, “not really.” 

“Rafael—” he rises from the sofa, his back turned away from you, as he heads to the bathroom. 

“I need to shower.” And he leaves you there, without another word. 

“Working late again?” Sonny poked his head into his office, “it’s 2 AM counselor, isn’t anyone expecting you home?” 

You don’t look up from your work, “I could ask you the same — what are you doing here?” Sonny lifted his scarf off your bookshelf, folded neatly on top of some stacked books and briefs. 

“I just finished my shift at the precinct, and thought I’d drop by and see about picking this up,” he glanced at Rafael’s office, light closed, “No Barba?” 

“No, he headed home for the night,” more like you had insisted on him getting some sleep tonight, plying him with sweet kisses, until finally he left — but now you were left with the work to take care of, “I’m wrapping up some work,” you yawn, stretching, blinking at the detective still standing in your doorway, “aren’t you heading home?” 

“Yeah, I’m just waiting on you — the cases will be there in the mornin’,” he steps forward, offering you your coat, “come on.” 

You pout, “But I didn’t get what I said—” 

“Is it something that can be done tomorrow?” 

“Yes, but—” he shuts off your desk lamp, holding your coat out again. 

“I’ll walk you home,” and you sigh, looking between your work and his hand, before hauling yourself to your feet. 

It was not another ten minutes when your stomach started growling, to which Sonny raised an eyebrow, “Like to share something with the class?” 

Your cheeks burned, as you bite your bottom lip, “I may have forgotten to eat today,” and Sonny shook his head. 

“You don’t sleep, you don’t eat — do you and Barba just run on coffee?” 

“And spite,” you add with a shrug, “how do you get time to eat? You’re constantly running around all over the place.” 

“You have to make the time, whether that’s me eating in my car or taking a half hour to go grab a slice, maybe next time I’ll invite you along,” his hands slipped into his pockets. 

“I’d love to right now, but I am a little sick of takeout, and I think I rather crash at this point,” you rubbed at your eyes, “food can wait until tomorrow.” 

“You need to eat, counselor, or your stomach won’t let you,” his brow wrinkled in thought, “do you have anything at home?” 

“Nothing prepared, I have some things frozen, but nothing that’s ready—” 

“I’ll cook you something, dinner—” he glanced at his watch, “I think it's closer to breakfast at this point.” 

“Sonny, you don’t need to do that—” 

“I want to — to thank you for letting me shadow you and Barba,” his smile is so warm, “I assume he wasn’t too pleased with the idea at first.” 

“You don’t need to thank me — it’s fine—” you started, but he cut you off. 

“Are you hungry?” you pouted, as your stomach growled again, “Strike that, you are, and do you have the energy to cook?” 

“No, but—” 

“No buts, come on,” he clapped his hands together, you stood, biting your lip, “are you not okay with this?” 

“It’s not you, Sonny—” it was the concept of this — having a man over late at night, and you trusted Sonny, you did — he was your friend, but it felt misleading, “I just want you to know I’m seeing someone, kind of.” 

He raised an eyebrow, “Kind of?” 

“It’s not a relationship, but it kind of is — we’re keeping things casual for now,” you licked your dry lips, but your throat was a desert compared to it, “I just don’t want to mislead—” 

He cut you off, saying with your name, “It’s fine,” he offered a small smile, “I get it. Consider me friendzoned — now are you hungry or not?” 

“I am.” you hurried along in front of him, shivering in the cold, not noticing his smile slip from his face. 

“How did you learn to cook?” You were told to sit at your island, watching Sonny root through your fridge, “also, I’m sorry again for the state of my fridge, I’m not home a lot so—” 

“Trust me, I get it,” he pulls eggs, cheese, and a can of tomatoes from the fridge, “and I learned from my mother — she had her handful with my sisters, so sometimes I would cook with her or for her. I got used to it and I liked it.”

“Am I allowed to help or do I just watch?” he crossed his arms, evaluating you, making you sit up a bit straighter. 

“Have you ever poached eggs before?” your expression was enough of an answer, “how about you leave the heavy lifting to me and just do what I tell you.” 

“Yes sir,” and you missed him smiling at your cheeky reply, “What’s first?” 

“We both have the same weekday off?” you drop your purse and jacket on his chair, as he pulls you into his arms, “has that ever happened before?” 

“Not in what? Three years of working together?” he trails kisses down your neck, tugging at your collar, “we can’t waste it.” 

“What are you implying, counselor?” you say in mock surprise, as he walked you backwards, pressing you to the nearest wall. 

His eyes lidded and dark, as his fingers toyed with the buttons on your button up, “I’m implying that I want to spend the day f—” 

There was a knock on the door — both of your heads snapping over. You whispered, “were you expecting anyone?” 

“No?” he whispered back, “it might be someone from the squad, wait in the bedroom—” 

You rolled your eyes, as he strode over to the door, straightening his clothes, and adjusting himself noticeably, to which you snorted — earning you a sharp look over his shoulder,  before you slipped into the bedroom, door shut. 

You heard a woman’s voice speaking, heels clicking against the floor. You pressed your ear to the door, but there was no need because the voices grew louder,  “The bedroom is a mess, Mami,” 

Shit. 

There was nowhere to hide in here — but you didn’t want to come off looking rude either — you spotted Rafael’s headphones and a book on his bed stand. 

Well, oblivious is better than idiotic. 

You adjusted your clothes, sitting on the bed, playing music on your phone loudly, flipping the book open to a random page, just as the door opened, “Now, what could be so bad that you don’t want your own mother to—” She cut off, when she saw you, and you peered up, mouth agape — in fake (and real) astonishment, “well hello.” 

“Hi,” you slipped the headphones to your neck, before pulling them off, setting the book side, as you looked from a bewildered Rafael to his appraising mother, “you must be Rafael’s mother, Lucia,” you introduce yourself, holding out your hand, “I work with your son at his office.” 

She repeats your name, elbowing her son, “This is who you’re always talking about?” 

“Excuse me?” you raise an eyebrow at a flustered Rafael, the tips of his ears and bridge of his nose a beautiful red. 

“Mami, I think I neglected to tell you that—” 

“That you and your gorgeous co-worker here are seeing each other? It would seem so,” she slaps him lightly with her purse, before talking your hand warmly, “it’s very nice to meet you, dear. I apologize for my son’s lack of disclosure—” another pointed look at her son, “I wouldn’t have interrupted your day off together otherwise—imagine if I used the key you gave me.” 

Rafael blanched at the thought, his eyes desperately trying to apologize to you, but you kept your eyes on Lucia, “There’s no need to apologize, I’m sorry for surprising you—” you smiled, your nerves pushed to the very edge — imagine if she had walked a few minutes later, “is there something you need from Rafael?” 

“Not in particular, I was going to ask him if he wanted to join me for lunch— I just cooked his favorite, but now that I see he’s busy—” 

“No, you both should go,” you wave her off, “I don’t want to step on any plans—” 

“Why don’t you join us?” Lucia offered, elbowing her son, “if that’s okay with el juez here?” 

“Of course,” he cleared his throat, his smile sincere, “join us, if you want to.” 

Well how could you say no to that? 

“This is delicious, Lucia,” you and Rafael helped her pick up the table, insisting on her sitting, “thank you again for having me over. It means so much.” 

“I was happy to — my son’s personal life has always been a bit of mystery to me,” she walks over, pinching his cheek, “mijo has a mouth he doesn’t mind running except when it involves his personal life.” 

“Mami,” he warned, and she lifted her hands in surrender. 

“On that note, I’m going to wash up, and I’ll be right back,” you excused yourself to the bathroom, washing your hands, and just as you began to step out, you heard them whispering. 

“So what’s the story here, Rafi? You’ve been together for quite a while — any chance you’ll be popping the question anytime soon?” 

Your heart thumped against your ribcage, leaping out of your chest, “It’s not like that between us, Mami — we’re together but—” and your heart sunk in the same motion — down to the floor, “we’re not serious—” small smack and Rafael’s ‘ouch.’ 

“Do not be such an idiot that a keeper will wait for you this long — it’s a miracle you’ve been together this long,” you hear her sigh, “not serious? The way you look at each other? Rafi, not every person is Yelina—” 

“This isn’t about her,” he cuts her off, exasperated, as you rest your forehead against the trim of the bathroom door, “I know what I’m doing.” 

“You know what you’re doing,” she repeats, the clink of the dishes in the sink, “I hope you do, mijo, or you’ll regret it.” 

Regret, you thought, squeezing your eyes shut — you knew a little something about that, as you slipped from Lucia’s apartment, the door shutting behind you. 

There was urgent knocking on your door — and you placed your book down. Well, this was inevitable. 

You had been avoiding Rafael since the lunch with his mother — taking shifts and working out of your office. He had been texting and calling — you hadn’t been replying — the temptation regulated to the charger in the kitchen. He wanted to explain, he wanted to talk — but he always wanted to explain, he always wanted to talk. And he always talked his way back into your pants with plying words and sweet kisses. 

But now there was nothing more to be said. He left nothing else to be said. 

Even so, it wasn’t his fault entirely  — it was your fault for letting this get so far. 

And why had you let it get so far? That was the one question you couldn’t answer yourself. 

And now, you steeled yourself as you approached the door — you supposed he wanted to have it out in person. 

“Who is it?” you asked, arms crossed. 

“It’s Sonny,” you blinked, his voice unsteady and weak, as you threw open the door, finding him grim faced and dull, the color pulled from his face. 

“Sonny, what happened—” 

“Can I, uh, come in?” you stepped aside, letting him in, shutting the door behind you, and he didn’t sit down — or rather he couldn’t. He paced the length of the room, his eyes on the ground, arms across his chest. 

“Sonny?” you ask hesitantly, as you approach him, his back turned, “what’s wrong?” He faces you, tears streaming down his face, “Sonny—” 

“I’m sorry,” he blinks, wiping away the tears, “I’m fine, I shouldn’t’ve come here, I just—” his voice breaks, his Adam's apple bobbing as he swallows, “I didn’t know where to go.” 

“Sonny, stop, you can always come here,” you squeezes his shoulder gently, “sit down, please.” You lead him to the couch, spotting red specks of blood on his neck and on the collar of his shirt, “what happened?” and he tenses, “we don’t have to talk about it right now, okay?” he buries his face in his hands, elbows on his knees, hunched over, “let me get you some water—” 

“Look, I don’t need water — I just need—” he stammers, “please, just stay beside me, please?” 

And you did, your hand reaching for his, fingers slowly intertwining with his longer ones — even with how gentle Sonny was, with how he dwarfed you in size never failed to surprise you, but then again, he was always full of surprises, wasn’t he? His hand was warm and soft, engulfing with its heat, but trembled under your touch. You squeezed it every few minutes, the ones you sat in silence in, to remind him that you were still there — that he wasn’t alone. And you would never leave him to be alone. 

His first words were quiet in an already still room, “Barba has kept you updated on the Quinn Berris case right?” you nod — the woman who had been raped by her stalker, Ray Wilson. Wilson had been arrested by Sergeant Tom Coles four years ago, “We found out that Quinn wasn’t raped by Ray Wilson — it was Coles.” 

Your jaw dropped, “Coles did it—” 

“We went to his house, to confront him,” his voice shook as he spoke, his eyes hard, fixed on your carpet, but he was somewhere else now — back in Coles’ home, “I moved slowly, I did everything by the book, and I turned around, and he had his gun to my head.” 

“Sonny,” you squeezed his hand again, “what happened?” 

“I thought he was going to kill me,” he swallowed, his eyes unblinking, “I can still feel the metal brushing my forehead, following me as I put my gun down,” he leans back, arms crossed again, “I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t do anything. I could hear myself talking, but I didn’t know what I was saying — it was like everything was underwater. If Liv didn’t shoot him—”  

“But you’re okay, Sonny,” you pulled him closer, arm wrapped around his shoulder, “You’re alive.”

“He didn’t have to die,” he whispers, “he could have just surrendered.” 

“He didn’t want to, Sonny,” you shake your head, tears slipping down your cheeks, “he had lost everything, and he wanted to die — and he wanted someone else to go down with him. But you didn’t.”

“You know in the moment, I didn’t even pray,” he gives a bitter chuckle, “years of Catholic schooling and church, but in that moment all I could think of was my family, the squad, you,” he shakes his head, “I’m sorry for coming over and unloading this all on you — I didn’t mean—” 

“Don’t apologize,” you brush away your tears, your hands gently pulling him into a hug, “I’m just so glad you’re okay, Sonny.”  

He rested his chin on your shoulder, finally shutting his eyes for a moment, a peace washing over him for a moment, “Me too.” 

“Not a minute is promised, is it?” you whisper, pulling away, and he shakes his head. 

“Not a second,” and your thoughts fall away to your phone — to Rafael. It could have been him today — or any day. Was it worth holding a grudge, if it meant you wouldn’t see him again? That your last words to him were nothing but silence? 

“Let me get some water, Sonny,” and he nodded, leaning back on the couch, as you slipped away, grabbing a glass, as well as your phone. 

Rafael Barba: Mi amor, please, I’m sorry. Can we talk? 

You: I’m busy today, but tomorrow, we’ll talk. 

“We need to talk,” your office door opened — night had long fallen, the chatter and bustle of the office long died away in the darkness, the washed out fluorescent dimmers flickering in the halls — and there was only one person who would be opening your door right now. 

Rafael stood in your doorway, his knuckles white against the doorknob. Rafael’s brows knitted together, his mouth twisted in a scowl. You leaned back in your chair, raising an eyebrow, “not here.” 

“I can’t step away from this—” 

“You can make time for this,” he hisses, eyes narrowed, but you don’t budge, arms crossed, and he shuts your door, locking it, pulling the shutters down, “You went over my head.” 

You weren’t going to deny it, “I did,” you had went to Jack, talked to him about your concerns about the case you two had been handling together, another case slapped together that Rafael was trying to push through to trial — and you finally had enough, “You didn’t give me much of a choice—” 

“There was a choice — you could have talked to me—” you scoffed, flipping your file closed, “what is that supposed to mean?” 

“Rafael, you’re pushing through cases I don’t agree with — cases without enough information, forcing taxpayer dollars to be used on cases that will not succeed, and yes sometimes that’s necessary, sometimes we have bad cases, but sometimes you’re casting a stigma on people who end up being innocent—” 

“And sometimes casting a stigma is all we can do to warn other potential victims—” 

“And sometimes it just ruins someone’s reputation, and our own when we end up with lawsuits for damages,” you cross your arms, rounding your desk, “just because Liv coerces you into pushing through cases—” 

“Is that what this is about? That you’re jealous of Liv?” he snaps, and you laugh — a bitter noise you don't recognize, “I never thought you would ever let our personal problems affect your judgement.” 

“First of all,” your voice was an eerie calm, a deadly frigid cold permeated your words, “this has nothing to do with your personal life — this has to do with protecting the integrity of this office,” and it was his turn to scoff, "and second of all, what is there to be jealous of, Rafael?" you cross your arms, "We fuck — that’s it. Period. That’s all we are to each other. A warm body, nothing more and nothing less. You’re too busy saving the rest of the world to care.” and you wouldn’t allow your voice to crack, even though you could feel yourself crumbling with every word that you spit like venom — poisoning him and you from the inside out, “we're not serious,” you echo his words, a sinking feeling in your gut. 

“That was out of context—” 

“It’s not out of context when I heard the entire conversation, Rafael,” you shake your head, turning away from him, to look out your window — lights dotted the streets, the city very much alive with so many other places to be. 

His reply is quiet, “Is that all I am to you?” 

“I should be asking you that,” you sigh, clutching at your forehead, “no matter how much we talk about it — how much we try to fix it, we can’t. We can’t. Call this a failed experiment, call this nothing, say it never existed, it doesn’t matter. It’s done.” 

“No,” you shake your head, grabbing your jacket, brushing past him when he tries to stop you, his hand brushing your shoulder — and you knew what he would do again — ply you with kisses, whisper sweet lies that covered the bitter truth, patching shreds that fell to pieces—  “no, mi amor—” 

“Don’t call me that,” you whirl around, tears stinging at the corners of your eyes — but you hoped your words stung more, “don’t call me that when you never loved me.” 

And they did. 

He whispers your name, “Please—” 

“I can’t do this,” you shake him off, walking out the door, “not now.”

And maybe not ever. 

[sillycheysblog]

Originally this was a rant post about Legacies but I decided to just make it a super long post about my problems with Legacies which includes the writers and their writing choices, the fandom, the plots, and the characters. 

Fair Warning: There may be somethings in here that you disagree with and somethings that you don’t like. If you disagree or don’t like what I have to say that’s okay. It’s your opinion and I respect your opinion. Here’s what your not going to do, is reply with hate because you don’t agree with what I have to say. Like mentioned, it’s my opinions. Also, I am writing this from my perspective. 

Like mentioned at the very beginning of this post, this is a super long post so if you want to read what I have to say then stay tuned, if not it’s okay just keep scrolling. 

Now let’s get started!

I’m going to start with the writers, but before I start, I just want to say that I am super grateful for having his show and thankful that it got renewed for a 4th season because I wasn’t ready to say goodbye yet. I also love the entire cast so much with the exception of Matt Davis. I am thankful for the work that the directors, producers, writers, actors, actresses, etc. put into this show but there are somethings that the writers do that really piss me off. One of the things that the writers do that pisses me off is putting in unnecessary lines. This correlates with the fan service. There wasn’t much of this in season 1, but there is some in season 2  where I am like “Did that really have to be written in there?”  and there is a recent line in 3x03 that is obviously written in there for a certain group of fans. In season 2, the line from 2x06 when Hope said “I had a crush on Josie for a week when we were 12” was unnecessary.  Like I mentioned in the beginning of this post, I am writing this from my perspective so I’m not trying to be disrespectful or biased, I’m proving my point. This line was completely out of nowhere in my opinion. We know Hope has so many other secrets. You’re telling me that this was the 2nd to 3rd thing to come to mind? The line was obviously written into the script for the Hosie stans. In addition, the line from 2x16 about the “nonconsensual kiss” was unnecessary. They knew that the next episode was going to have the same concept as 2x16. 3x01 was technically 2x17 meaning the Handon “true love kiss” was right after 2x16. If they wanted the Handon “true love kiss” they should of never put the “nonconsensual kiss” line in there because the Hosie stans would be pissed. They only put it in there to please the Hosie stans and that’s it. Now I wrote a whole post about this line, so I’m not going to spend to much time on it but if you want to read it, it’s right here. In season 3, the line from 3x03 when Josie says “You gave up on Hope twice” was so unnecessary. (1) Landon never gave up on Hope and (2) he never gave up on their relationship. So why was this line in there? It doesn’t make sense. Here’s what I’m thinking, it was only written in there for the fans that hate Landon because they knew that they would eat that up. There is no other logical explanation. If you think that Landon walking away from situations is giving up on her then your weird because that's not giving up on someone. That’s Landon walking away from situations because he doesn't know how to react to them so he walks away to have time to himself and think about how to react which isn’t surprising knowing the way he grew up. Now moving onto the writers baiting the fans. There are so many things that Julie Plec and the writers, mainly Julie Plec, has said that never ended up happening. For example, Julie Plec saying that Maya and Ethan were Hope’s love interest. Maya shows zero interest in Hope romatically. Ethan showed interest but Hope showed him no time of day because all she wanted was Landon. She also said that Hope and the twins would be in a love triangle. This for sure never happened. I don’t understand why so many people think that the writers are going to change. I stopped putting my trust in the writers a long long time ago. I especially stop putting my trust in Julie Plec after everything she did on TVD and TO. They queerbait the Hosie stans just so that they keep tuning in. Once they saw people shipping Hosie, they started adding in Hope and Josie scenes that gave them a glimmer of hope that it would happen. Julie Plec says and I quote, “I give people a glimmer of hope and then I crush them.”  I’m not understanding why people still believe a word that comes from out of her mouth. This relates with my next problem, the way the writers keep writing off love interest for Josie. I understand why Penelope was written off because Lulu had other priorities but Jade, really? They said that Jade would be around for a while and she literally was here for 1 episode. They didn’t even explore their relationship. I really liked Josie and Jade and I wanted to see more of them, but they just wrote Jade off. Don’t get me started on them writing Raf and so many other people of color off. I did make a post about how they did Raf wrong so if you want to read it, it’s here. 

My next problem with the show is the plot and the monster of the week thing. Now don’t get me wrong, I do like the monster of the week to a certain extent. I think the monster of the week made so much sense in season 1, but made no sense in season 2 and here’s why. Firstly, there was monsters who came from Malivore who’s master was Malivore but then you had monsters who came from Malivore who had different masters such as the Sphrinx. The Sphrinx only showed up to tell the school about a prophecy. He did not want Landon at all. In fact, he told Raf to take Landon far away from the school. Then there was monsters who came from Malivore who’s master was the Necromancer such as the monster from 2x10 that feed on insecurities. That monster was at the school only for  the dark magic that the Necromancer wanted. It just made no sense at all. In addition, the plot was all over the place. The first half of the season was good especially the built up of dark Josie, but after episode 4 it was a big question mark. For example, Landon knowing that he was seeing Hope every time he died, but wanted to have sex with Josie the next episode? The way it was written was like “huh?” The first half of the season was about everyone not remembering Hope. But what was the second half of the season about? Dark Josie? Dark Josie was literally there for like 1 or 2 episodes. The plot didn’t add up. Another example, the whole message in 2x16′s episode made zero sense. The message was about Josie “being strong and being able to pick your own story” but then they have Josie put her magic in a coin? I’m leaving it here because I can go on and on about the inconsistency in this show. I can’t really talk about season 3 yet because we are still on season 2 episodes. And that’s probably why people think its feels weird because it’s technically season 2 episodes and season 2′s plot just made absolutely no sense.

My next problem is that there are so many things brought up in the show that are never talked about ever again. For example, Landon drowning himself all summer long. He was killing himself all summer! He even said it started out with him killing himself just to kill himself until he realized that he was seeing Hope. The writers just glided of that like it was nothing. Did he ever tell anyone other than Raf and Josie? Did he even tell Hope? I have so many questions. Also what about Josie and Raf? They showed an interest in each other back in season 1 and they even shared a kiss. But this was never talked about again. It was like nothing happened. Anyway moving on. 

The next problem is how none of the characters have an actual storyline. Hope’s storyline is revolved around saving everyone which I hate. I hate how she is always the one that people depend on to save the day. Landon’s storyline is supposedly Malivore? But the writers decided to take 3 steps back and make him human again. I made a post about how he may get his powers back so if you want you can look at that it’s right here. Mg has no storyline, Kaleb has no storyline, Jed has no storyline, and Josie has no storyline. The only person that has a storyline that shows growth is Lizzie. Now there is new characters such as Ethan and Cleo. I’m not understanding why they don’t focus on developing the characters storyline of the characters they already have but whatever. Like mentioned before, I’m not going to talk that much about season 3 because we are technically still on season 2 content but I do know that we will get some development in the characters so I will wait. That’s all I have to say about this.

Lastly, my next problem is the fandom. A fandom is apart of any show so that’s why I’m including this. I have a lot to say about this. TVDU fandom is just toxic. Point. Blank. and a Period. Some people in this fandom are just hypocrites. I don’t even know where to start. I’m going to start with how people make so  many excuses for the ones that they love when they know they are in the wrong. Josie for example burned her ex’s hair, burned down Hope’s room because Hope didn’t have the same feelings for her, lied to Lizzie about who started the rumor about her, she killed Alyssa, burned down a part of the Salvatore school, broke Ethan’s arm and forced Lizzie into the merge. Now I am not coming at Josie by all means, I’m proving my point. Even though Josie did all this, you still have people who make excuses for why she did it. Just because you love a character, doesn’t mean you can’t call them out when they are wrong. This goes into Hope because people put Hope on this high pedestal as if she is never wrong, but she is. She isn’t always right. I’m not going to talk about the whole argument thing from last week between Handon because I made a post about that already so if you want you can go read it, it’s here. I think it’s in the post about 3x02, but anyways she isn’t always right. As much as I love Hope, I call her out on her bs and that goes with every other character. The fandom also uses the words such as “toxic” or “abusive” because they hate a character. For example, Landon gets the most hate out of every character for no reason. I was on twitter and I saw a tweet from someone saying “Landon is emotionally abusive because he brought up Klaus.” and “Handon is an abusive relationship” And I am like “WHAT?” are you being serious right now? (1) abuse is a serious thing and it shouldn’t be used lightly so the fact that people are using it lightly because they hate a character so much is disgusting. People go deal with abuse on a daily basis and your using the word like it’s not a serious situation. The lengths that people would go in this fandom because they aren’t getting something they want is insane. The death threats that people send to the writers, people from other ships, and the actors and actresses is rude and disgusting. Now I am about to be blatantly honest right now and if you don’t like it then oh well🤷‍♀️. There is a specific group of people in the fandom that spreads hate. I’m not going to name names because there is no need point fingers and start stuff for no reason. I’m not saying everyone from this particular group does it, there are some that are cool, but a majority of them are the ones that spread the hate. I’m not saying other people from other groups in the fandom don’t do this, but I haven’t seen that many do it. Now don’t get me wrong, I understand why this specific group is upset about the choices that the writers make but they’re still a person who has feelings. There used to be ships that I loved but now I don’t like because of the way the fans within that ship acts. For example, I used to like Hosie. I use to say if Landon wasn’t there, I would love to see Hosie, but then I saw the way the people who shipped them acted and that made me stop shipping Hosie. And I also just grew closer to Handon more but there is no need to spread hate on other people’s ships because you are mad that something isn’t happening the way you want it too. No one should be sending hate to actors and actresses because you hate their character or because you hate the what the character did in the show. The character isn’t the actor. Separate the two. The actor is portraying the character. I know that nothing is going to change within the fandom but it’s irritating. Spreading hate isn’t going to get you want you want. Attacking writers, other people in the fandom, or the actors is not going to get you want you want. This goes for everybody in the fandom, not just the one specific group. You can’t demand what you want and think its going to happen because you demanded it. So I am just going to end this here. I am not trying to bash anybody, I am just calling out what I see.

Anyways, I’m sorry for this long post. I am not trying to be rude at all, I’m just being honest. I don’t want to argue. I just wanted to talk about problems within Legacies, the writers, and the fandom. I felt like talking about how I felt about certain situations and how I view certain situations. If you didn’t like anything I said then that’s your own opinion and I respect your opinion. If you have anything else would like to say about the show, send a reply. But aside from that I hope you have a good day! ❤

[ethanramseyyy]

OPEN HEART: SECOND YEAR CHAPTER 12

I have already written this post but Tumblr had the audacity to delete it. So here we go again 

The first exchange between Mc and Ethan in the hospital was adorable. Since Ethan opened up to us in the last chapter we have seen a WHOLE different side to Ethan and I love it. When the heart rate monitor started accelerating because Mc and Ethan were talking, I DIED. It just goes to show how powerful their love is. “It’s okay if you need more time”, this man is really out here trying to kill me for the 500th time.

Rafael stans were spoilt today. I know they didn’t get the chance to have a 30 diamond scene with him (at least I don’t think they did). Considering the fact only a few chapters ago he was meant to be abandoning everyone to move to Brazil or somewhere like that, I think they did well today. Raf’s grandma is one of the best characters introduced into Open Heart (behind our angel Bobby obviously). She is your typical grandparent with the array of food and drink and the embarrassed grand child XD. When she said that we saved her beautiful boy and then Mc replied that they saved eachother, I understood why so many people romance him because that was adorable. Mc and Rafael’s friendship has to be one of my favourites they are so sweet with each other. Unfortunately, I was an idiot and didn’t buy the diamond scene. The only reason I didn’t get it was because it was so early in the chapter and I didn’t know what other content we were going to get. I will probably replay it and buy the diamond scene but let me know what happened during the walk.

Mc getting ready for the memorial was so sad. I thought our landlord Farley sending flowers was so so sweet. I have got to say that I LOVED the diamond dress that was on offer. Obviously, I had to get it because I had to look good for our boys on their day. I have got to give all the credit to @playchoices because I think they did an unbelievable job with the memorial. They really gave Bobby and Danny a funeral fit for kings!

The first screenshot broke me. The caskets with the boys in and the flowers on top, I miss them already. To make it even more sad, I had ‘Hold On’ by Chord Street on in the background and if you have listened to that song you know how bad that combination is. Bryce telling the story about them was so heartwarming and one of the many reasons we all love Bryce whether you are romancing him or not. That boy is an angel. Our poor baby Elijah really struggled during the ceremony and all I wanted to do was give him a big hug. He deserves the world and we must protect him at ALL costs. Him saying he has been to ‘too many of these’ was so so sad, I feel like we deserve more of his backstory because I have a feeling it is a lot worse than we originally thought. I know that this sounds heartless but I do want to mention how amazing all the men looked in their suits. Especially Ethan, this man rocks anything and everything. Laying the orchids on their caskets, made me sob. I don’t even know why their memorials hurt me so bad.

Daniel Cardinal and Robert Gunderson. We will miss you. ❤️

Ok, I just want to say that I thought that Mc and Aurora discussing the hospitals finances during the reception was kinda rude and disrespectful. I know it was probably key in the development of the story but it would have been nicer to hear stories about the boys rather than Edenbrook and Mass Kenmore. But anyway, the conversation between Sienna and Mc was so cute but so heartbreaking. When she started saying that she always thought her and Danny would become something more, I broke down. This girl deserves happiness so much especially after her ex. And Danny was that happiness but unfortunately she will never be able to experience that relationship 😞.

Ethan looking into our literal soul was very sexy if I do say so myself. The way he can just look at Mc and know exactly what she is thinking just goes to show how powerful their relationship is.And then this man had the audacity to raise his hand in our face to silence us. I didn’t know if I wanted to slap him or marry him right there and then. Did anyone else have that issue? Just me? Ok.

One thing I loved about this episode is the choice between who you wanted to leave with and the fact it wasn’t a diamond scene. This is what we like to see. I chose Ethan because... well I don’t think I need to explain why. Just so you all know he was going to leave an hour before but didn’t because Mc was still there. if that isn’t true love, then what is. 

Ethan is not ok people. When he started to explain that he was scared to leave Mc alone incase he wasn’t there to save her, my jaw dropped. He has never opened up THAT much before. I thought I was ready for it but then me tell you I was not. I know that countless times during this scene he wanted to say that he was in love with Mc but wasn’t ready. Honestly, I am ok with that. For now. I feel like we should wait a little longer (emphasis on the little) for a more sentimental moemnt. Like on our first date or even in the hospital where they first met. I have a feeling that he is just going to end up saying it without thinking about it, like a reflex and I wouldn’t mind that happening either.

Finally, we move onto the diamond scene. This was the best 30 diamond scene we have had with Ethan. It was unbelievable. “The idea that I’d never touch you again... it was almost more than I could bear”. I am not even going to comment on that quote because it explains itself. Just know that I did indeed scream. Like actually scream. We got a glimpse of angry Ethan which so happens to be my second favourite Ethan after cute Ethan. Him being angry because he didn’t want people thinking Mc slept her way onto the diagnostics team shows how much he respects her career. Get you a man that respects both you and your job. The freaking windows steamed up. The power can not be matched. So I did choose the option to straddle him but let me tell you I did not choose that lightly. I was so close to picking the option of going into the back seat. “Trust me, I have many more tricks up my sleeve”, bitch I am not READY for the other 30 diamond scenes we better be receiving. Obviously, I don’t need to go into TOO much detail because we all know what happened, if you actually played the scene. Just know it was a great experience.

To make the experience better ( if that is even possible ). I chose the option that led to Ethan begging. Yes, you heard that right. BEGGING. I feel so evil yet so good at the same time 😋. Again I would like to personally thank @playchoices for that 30 diamond scene. It was unforgettable. But let’s be real, we deserve it after what we have been through.

I don’t remember Farley being this sweet but that man is so cute. I hope that everything works out for him at hospital. But I am excited/nervous to see how the memories and PTSD of the attack impacts Mc going back to the hospital. One thing that makes me less nervous is knowing my man Ethan will be there to support me. I know he said that at work he is still our boss but like just imagine how cute the scenes will be between them now. Ugh, imagine them meeting up after a long shift and walking out of the hospital hand in hand. Can’t freaking wait.

This chapter again was so so well written, I hope Choices keep up with this quality because it’s been amazing. I’m praying that they don’t forget to mention Danny and Bobby though, especially after a few chapters. I hope they remember to give them mentions because they were big infuences on Edenbrook and they don’t deserve to be forgotten. I just want to add that I am sorry that this is late, like I said before I had already written this and had it ready to post but then Tumblr did a mad one and deleted it. I am sorry if it seems rushed or I have forgotten something but I tried XD. As usual let me know your opinions and feelings about the new chapter and thank you so much for all the recent love on my posts. I am unbelievably grateful! ❤️

If anyone would like to be tagged in these posts let me know!

[argylemnwrites]

I waited for almost two whole books to have Bryce dialogue changes based on the fact that he was the only LI my MC had any romantic interactions with at any point in both books. He was my MC’s “friend” for chapter after chapter. No acknowledgement of previously having kissed or slept together. All romantic moments were initiated by my choices (no unprompted glances, hand holding, etc). None of the other characters acted like Bryce and my MC had anything going on until Sienna literally walked in on them sleeping together (in a diamond scene that was still billed as a “hook up,” I might add). And the shocking thing is, compared to Jackie and Raf routes, I still had things better, particularly compared to Raf romancers. My LI was never slated to be killed off, at least.

I see these posts complaining about how post hiatus 2, Ramsey’s route is inconsistent. Well, join the club. I also had an LI spend the night with my MC when she was potentially dying and then had no progression of how serious things are. In fact, my LI canonically shared a heated look with my MC’s roommate in Vegas and was down to have sex with her since my MC’s near-death experience. There has been no discussion of whether they are something serious or casual since the attack. Literally everything I see being complained about for the past two chapters from members of the Ramsey camp are the things that I have experienced all the time with OH2.

Yes, it sucks. I know. But it’s hard to have a ton of sympathy for the people complaining here when for a very long time, they were spoiled with good content while the rest of us hoped that our LIs would be present for more than two lines of a chapter. It’s tone deaf at best, hypocritical at worst if there is overlap between those complaining about how PB is “butchering” the Ramsey relationship and stating that PB should hear what the fans are thinking and those who not so kindly told Bryce/Jackie/Raf romancers to be patient and let PB tell their story in the earlier chapters of OH2. I remember seeing posts about how it was still early and that surely other LIs would get their chance to shine later - just give it time. Now, when other LIs are (barely) getting some recognition, there seems to be a lot of bitterness.

This isn’t a single LI book. Ramsey’s route isn’t the only route that exists, yet for most of OH2, it was the only one given any care. Maybe if I was a more patient person, I could be highly sympathetic to the loss of all those added details and extras, and how much that must sting, but I am just not. All the routes feel stagnant at this point, and unevenness is the rule, not the exception. The Bryce route is uneven. The Jackie route is uneven. The Raf route is highly uneven as he wasn’t even planned to be alive at this point anymore. And I would rather see those routes get some nice little extras and details over the route that already had countless little extras and details.

The way Ethan and MC interacted the last couple chapters? That is what has been like romancing any other LI in this book. Like it is only noticeable Becuase Ethan has gotten superior writing up to this point, always taking previous interactions into consideration, but what he got these last chapters is what everyone else has been getting all along. Hell, I was thrilled that twice in diamond scenes, Bryce acknowledged he and my MC had a previous intimate relationship, that is how bad it has been for the other LIs. So, no, it’s not a big conspiracy, there isn’t a huge cut storyline, they are just writing Ethan like they write everyone else.