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douxie-casperan · 4 years ago

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Rise of the Titans and the assassination Hisirdoux Casperan’s character development

I’ve been ranting so much since Wednesday morning that I finally condensed by thoughts of WHY this one subject keeps setting me off namely the utterly diabolical way they handled Douxie and Archie’s relationship in Rise of the Titans and how it wasn’t just enough to hit him with the nerf bat.

Please note I’m at the point where I literally cannot tell the difference between Aaron headcanons, Teny headcanons and my own they are all mixed together in the blender that does funky things. I also apologise for typo/weird wording it’s half 1 in the morning and I’d rather sleep than edit.

If asked to sum up Hisirdoux Casperan there are certainly several things that come to mind:

Sees the value in people as a whole and will find do anything if there is a chance of help someone out

Prefers tactics that disable/banish rather than kill an enemy yet willing and able to pull the trigger if circumstances become forced

While not academically inclined he is very capable of thinking on his feet and outside the box calling back to his time on the streets where a split-second decision making is the difference between being caught and not

Terrible at planning he’ll be in there figuring it out as he goes along which is what makes the previous point so vital to literally how he goes through life

A natural charmer that would let him talk his way out of trouble 9/10 providing a perfect cover for his distrustful nature and reluctance to be touched by random people

Very down to earth, humble and never one to brag unless outright sassing someone

Will bang out some hot tunes at the drop of a hat, his love of music has never wavered once since he caught the bug despite instrument hopping ironically becoming a jack of all trades much like his magic style

The earliest memories he can recall are him as a young boy lost in the woods where he was for an unknown amount of time before his soon to be familiar finds him amongst the roots covered in dirt and drying tears, there is nothing before that. Unbeknownst to him is the colour of his magic matches the blue of a lost mother’s eyes and the song that haunts his nightmares as much as fire could well be hers though there is no way to be sure. From that moment on Archibald, shortened to Archie, would become his entire world and their friendship only becoming closer during the years they prowled Camelot together trying to keep themselves in one piece until the fateful day Douxie tricks the wrong person leading him straight into the path of the famous wizard Merlin Ambrosius.

It's no real secret that Merlin is a very closed off person who keeps his emotions as well guarded as his secrets, prefers the style of negative reinforcement over positive encouragement and is a very strict perfectionist in his. At this point in his life he can be very easily described as a disaster that is genuinely doing his best with every little mistake held of his head and his future self when brought back to that time period is belittled by Lancelot (Errand boy) and Arthur (Boy) too meaning it’s hardly a wonder his confidence was very fragile revelling in the times where he could do things without being told off for it. With Morgana largely ignoring him too (Though personally I like to think as he got older she’d occasionally take an interest until the blistering arguments with their master started to talk over daily life) a certain disguised dragon would have remained a lifeline and give that physical affection he craved much like being told he’d done well never seemed able to earn.

With Killahead he’d lose that home and family he made leaving just the two of them behind struggling to figure out their place in the world that had abandoned them.

There wouldn’t have been the words for it back then but the way he had been treated prior was outright abusive instilling very bad habits into Douxie yet by irony he was always willing to give people the benefit of the doubt and help those in trouble without thinking earning a reputation as the Shepard of Fire. He refused to become like him seeking to be better, perhaps not as a wizard (Even though he was learning new charms and spells along the way) but certainly as a person. Despite everything he suffers through or witnesses in the intervening years, the loss of friends and kindling of far newer ones he never loses his good heart

That said is it any wonder that after rightfully sassing Merlin for resurfacing, ignoring his existence despite being in the same town and only visiting him to run a finding errand that all the confidence he’d managed to build completely from scratch after Camelot wavered causing him to fall back solely into trying impressing his old Master who was acting like his humble apprentice must have coasted the past few centuries who himself fell back into old habits of belittling? It’s only when Merlin started to truly listen and acknowledge that this was not the same Moppet he once knew after Excalibur was fixed that their relationship finally started to become more like equals. After the defeat of Janus the changeling that broke into the castle he touched Douxie’s shoulder with a genuine smile and for a second he simply didn’t know what to do because the old man never did this before his brain kicked into gear and realised he’d finally earned that one thing he’d been so desperate for his entire life: That in Merlin’s eyes he could be more than a failure who only caused problems for the closest thing to a father figure he’d ever had, never solved them.

A staff will be earned, history would be set back on trap by banishing Morgana tag teaming with Archie because they know one another inside and out, as promised he’d get the kids back to the present but soon after things would go badly wrong. They’d lose Jim and because of his very nature he’d make a gamble to try and get him back because that life is worth trying for just for in a moment of surprising selflessness Merlin would be sacrificed to save him. The only constant in his life apart from Archie would apologise, openly express pride and how the greatest thing he’d ever done was saving this orphan, call him son for the first and final time before turning into ash in his arms. There would be no time to grieve for things will barrel into the crescendo of Douxie sacrificing his own life to buy everyone time to escape because if they did that everything he’d ever done would be worth it with one last whispered goodbye.

(Zoe sees him fall, so does Archie – His heart would break if he was conscious just like theirs does when his body crumples into the ground)

On the very fringes of the Light Realm he is gifted one more conversation with Merlin in a truly heart-breaking sequence (THANKS TENY) where they can just talk without any fear of consequence or politics and just be completely honest. Douxie is allowed to stand equal to Merlin, to have the hug he’d needed since he was a child and be allowed to simply let go of every pretense and cry his heart out because this can never happen again. He’s allowed to say goodbye to both his master and Morgana who had both shaped so very much of his life but like the painting he’d always remained firmly in the long shadows of until that moment.

When Hisirdoux Casperan finally leaves Wizards if we just accidently deliberately put the shawarma back in along with checking in with Zoe before departure, it is with having learned to live during his wandering years but this is the point of true freedom because he can finally escape into his own light with Archie by his side to keep Nari out of the hands of those that would see the world harmed. It won’t be easy but it feels possible somehow even with the knowledge everything is simply running on borrowed time.

Then Rise of the Titans happens.

At first everything is genuinely fine! No more running, they engineer a solution shut the Order’s magic down to make them a lot less dangerous and potentially at least incapacitate them until they can come up with a longer-term solution but all the best laid plans and all that. Douxie’s quick thinking stops the train from crushing any of the people below and it’s a very him style move to switch places with Nari to stall for time because for some reason the plot disabled Claire from portaling her or any of the threatened people/heroes to safety. He openly sasses the Order despite knowing the consequences will be bad for him because once again he’s managed to trick them, buy time that at the other end isn’t even slightly utilised until he’s forced back into his own body in excruciating pain. Archie immediately mobs him with comfort just as he has done every single time the wizard is distressed or collapsed with exhaustion without thinking because that is what their bond is like, incredibly close and far more than the Soul Bond mark that connects them together. They’re very alike in that regard, you have to earn the right to touch while equally knowing exactly what form the other needs the most in that precise moment in a way very few others could.

Bar the moment of figuring out that an illusion is in place to hide where the Order is opening the Genesis Seals and the brief insistence on reconnecting with Nari somehow Douxie manages to forget everything that makes him who he is after this point choosing to stand in the background being very no thoughts head empty or can only use the most basic spells of his youthful days not the seasoned master wizard he should be. Nomura is treated like an innocent slip rather than an outright death he did absolutely nothing to prevent (Not to mention the stupid daytime thing) nor seems to care particularly about afterwards yet with Nari’s he’s allowed to openly grieve in a gorgeously animated visual showing how he’d failed to keep her safe despite everything. He did nothing to help here either mind despite allowing himself to be tortured in the same piece of media to keep her safe, just watched another loss happen right in front of his eyes in his conga long line of them.

Then there’s Archie, oh god then there was Archie.

The dragon who even here he’d been shown to have an incredibly close bond with him decides you know what sod that tell him goodbye I’m going to make a joke about having a kingdom now dad and me are trapped in here forever. Douxie on his part looked sad for all of three seconds saying that he hoped he’s happy like it's a pet that wandered out into the world one day and never came back instead of a lifelong companion that has been there for as long as he can remember. He was now completely alone in the world since Zoe was also written out entirely and because every bit of his background had been forgotten about it somehow meant nothing. This wasn’t “I know you miss him, I know you need to grieve but you are running out of time” moment like things had been with Charlie, this was “cool shapeshifting dragon cat is now stuck in a plot hole that’s a shame” with zero pay off or any of the genuine reaction that should have been there or hell even trying to Ohana him back that very second because it never should have happened in the first place. Then even this wasn’t enough somehow, they managed to de-power Douxie even further into uselessness bar the (Admittedly nifty!) sticky feet stunt, the one who fought Skrael and Bellroc to a stalemate was shunted aside with barely a thought and his head would somehow get even emptier.

The one person who knew the danger of time magic the most stood by and said nothing.

The one person who would suffer the most by a reset because the lynchpin to his issues would be asleep if you got it wrong and should have drilled it into Jim’s head the best time to aim for stood by and said nothing.

The one person who had just suffered the loss of his familiar, best friend and only family along with the almost sister like Nari stood by and said nothing.

Then to add further insult to injury the caption when Douxie and Archie is shown says Some go their entire lives living an existence of quiet desperation because every drop of his character growth, his ability to finally start addressing his trauma instilled back in the 12th century, the staff he longed for was instead openly mocked by going “Aww he got his cat friend back how nice!” Everything he’d rightfully earned and had now would be unable to progress until certain criteria are met because it hinges entirely on the Trollhunter going to Merlin’s tomb and there’s only so much your support network of two (One if she’s written out) can do, the root of the majority of his issues all stem from one man.

And this folks is why I’ve been going on multiple rants about Douxie in particular, everyone was hit with the out of character bat to some degree in this film but when they came for him they didn’t just stop after they took his legs out because they wanted him to suffer from something he’s never had any control over to begin with all over again. Abuse survivors deserve better, these characters deserve better and we as viewers deserve far far better writing than we were forced to endure.

#Ooc - Behind the curtains #Rise of the Titans #Rise of the Titans spoilers #RotT Spoilers #RoT spoilers #Wizards #Tales of Arcadia #ToAWizards #Hisirdoux Casperan #Douxie Casperan

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vowled · 4 years ago

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Kill Your Darlings: An Analysis of its Twists and Themes

A few days ago, I watched Kill Your Darlings, and needless to say, I became completely mesmerized by it. Naturally credible characters with well-crafted backstories portraying a true story of Love, Obsession and Murder, it's everything a person could ask for in a movie. The colour palette of the movie radiates comfort and the sound track takes you back in time when these two bright young men were falling in love. Right from the start it was apparent that there were many themes in the undercurrent of the movie, and these were such that required some amount of thoughtful contemplation. And I was incredibly sorry to not find any post or review which critically discussed the themes of the movie and did it justice- so after doing some reading and digging up as much as I could, here I am making an attempt to analyze the twists and themes of the story.

The Crucial Plot-twist

The Night In Question- why the movie's recounting of the events is fictitious:

When faced with the prospect of writing the deposition for Lucian, Allen tried his best to gather information about the events that led to David's murder. However, it proved to be a difficult feat as Lucien himself would not speak much about it clearly. So he pieced together what he could from the bits of information he got. However, we see Lucian vehemently opposing the deposition written by Allen and claiming it to be false. After some thought, I find that I believe Lucian's claims. Most of the following arguments are rooted in the fact that Lucien's relationship with David was an abusive one, where David basically groomed Lucian and was a sexual predator. I suggest reading my post here to gain more insight about how the abuse affected him.

"You weren't there, you don't know what happened." These words right here- they're the words of a victim. Being subjected to a form of sexual abuse myself, I found these words hitting me like a brick ton. These are words coming from a pained soul that refuses to recount traumatic incidents. He's practically saying that the abuse was so bad he had to kill his abuser to be free from it.

Even after Allen saw first-hand what a total creep David could be, even after knowing the man had stalked Lucian across multiple cities, he had to ask Lucian why the latter killed David when he "could have run". This tells me he couldn't exactly relate to Lucian's situation and wasn't very keen on believing him. Although he displayed a moment of intimate affection, there's still a lingering feeling of yeah but he broke my heart inside him. After learning how Lucian drowned David, he even begins questioning if he should help him at all. At this point, Allen doesn't trust Lucian enough to actually care how accurate the story is. So he wrote what he could, what he felt right. But even he couldn't condemn his friend/first love to such a fate as prison, so eventually he submitted it as his final paper. In all honesty, I thought that turning it in was a brilliant move, and one which also further proved that the "once you loved him too" version was mostly fanciful fiction.

Throughout the movie, sequences have been played in reverse frames (and I found this so pleasing) and from the nitrogen-inhaling scene, we know that these sequences designated memories playing out in Allen's head or his subconscious creating dreamscapes. And here's the catch- the entire scene of Lucian taking a walk with David and eventually killing him began with frames played in reverse order. This gives the absolute proof that the movie's depiction of the events were fictitious.

Allen's P.O.V. of the events mainly relied on the argument that at some point, Lucian genuinely loved and needed David. This couldn't be further away from the truth. When you're 14 and and being groomed and coaxed by an older guy, a lot many things could feel like love because you haven't experienced them before; but in reality, it's never love, it just is another form of violence.

Themes running through the movie

"There can be no Creation before Imitation"

We see Professor Steves saying this at the beginning of the movie, hinting that it would be a theme in the story. This statement is reflected throughout Allen's progression and development as a poet:

In the beginning, we see him being hugely influenced by his father's works and possibly trying to imitate him through poetic devices such as consonance.

Next, we see him imitating Professor Stevens' style of writing in his poem "the rose that scents the evening air, grows from by beloved's hair" which Lucian outright criticizes.

It is only with the poem Allen recites to Lucian on the boat that he starts developing some sort of originality. That poem in particular is directly drawn from his personal experiences and delivers splendidly.

This development continues as he proceeds to write "The Night In Question" wherein he brilliantly describes his opinion of how things went down. It was this streak that would eventually propel him to write his most celebrated poem, "Howl".

The Circle of Life and How Allen Breaks it

We see Lucian telling Allen how "Life is only interesting if it is wide" and about Yeats' "Circle of Life". As displayed by the linked document, turns out the circle of life is quite complex a thing, and the movie displays a lay-man's version of it. As Lucian tells about it to Allen, unbeknownst to them both, Allen also enters the circle and changes the turn of events:

It is obvious that at the party at David's, Allen was a misfit. David even goes so far as to literally call him out and point how unremarkable he was, but says how given the correct circumstances, even Allen could change things. And what's extraordinary is exactly this happens next: the liquor runs out in David's party and Allen suggests they should change the venue of the party- hence hijacking David's party!

We see Allen's life widen as he becomes closer to Lucian and starts doing things he'd never done before. At the same time, he also plays an important role in changing Lucian's life as well. It's Allen who suggests at first that Lucian should break up with David and stop taking his help. Later in the movie, after learning about David's obsessive behaviour, it's again Allen that said "we should get rid of him". Again, here we see some foreshadowing. Allen could have worded it in any probable way, and yet he suggested getting rid of David which subtly implied killing him. I do believe that this happened to become a subliminal suggestion to Lucian and furthered his murderous intent.

Hence, although Lucian radically changes Allen's life, the latter does so too in unlikely and unexpected ways.

Sacrifices (and Rituals?)

Since the beginning of the movie, we know that the characters are all extraordinary men and that they are capable of something revolutionary. But it was apparent that all of them would need a catalyst to set things in motion- a sacrifice of some sort which would help them break their moulds and free their inner poet. Allen's love for Lucian and his wish to impress him did make him work toward become better at writing. It was the fear of completely losing Lucian to Jack that made Allen put all his effort into writing, and made him come up with his best work yet - here, the fear acted as the catalyst.

However, the most significant thing in connection to this happened in this scene where Lucian cuts both of their palms and holds them up together - this can be considered a Blood Ritual.

"A blood ritual is any ritual that involves the intentional release of blood. Blood rituals often involve a symbolic death and rebirth, as literal bodily birth involves bleeding. Basic to both animal and human sacrifice is the recognition of blood as the sacred life force in man and beast. The participants may regard the release of blood as producing energy useful as a sexual, healing, or mental stimulus. In other cases, blood is a primary component as the sacrifice, or material component for a spell."

The fact that this event took place inside Allen's head during a trippy session outlines how Allen had subconsciously taken a blood oath with Lucian to further The New Vision. This process of developing their revolutionary ideas would successfully progress for the rest of the movie; however, before its completion, the oath demanded a sacrifice- and the murder of David became this blood sacrifice.

"With Death comes Rebirth"

In the first half of the movie we see the initiation of this theme; after they've agreed upon to bring up something revolutionary, Allen talks about how rebirth comes only after death, and in their naivety, they play out a pseudo-suicide scene to imitate death. Little did they know greater sacrifices would have to be made. Eventually as events play out, we come to realise that it is David's death that became the cause and medium for their rebirth- both academic and intra-personal. Jack and Bill co-wrote the book "And the Hippos Were Boiled in Their Tanks" about the murder of David Kammerer, and eventually rose to fame, while Allen became popular with "Howl and Other Poems", none of which could have been initiated/inspired without David's death. As for their personal growth, none of them were the same as they were before the affair. I like to think all of them changed for the better. Lucian must have finally felt a sense of relief after getting rid of his abuser, while Allen finally took-off his rose-coloured glasses, saw Lucian under a more critical light, and developed a sense of self-esteem.

A Study in Violence (I was unsure whether to include this point in this analysis or not due to the violent nature of it. But I figure this analysis would remain incomplete should I leave it out. So here it goes..) The sequence from 1:10:00 to 1:12:00 was an in-depth survey of Violence and how it can occur in different forms. In particular, it focused on how any form of penetration is intimately violating.

We see a lonely Allen being so lost that he's about to have sex with a complete stranger. This itself is very unlike him, who in the beginning of the movie was shying away from Lucian kissing an unknown girl. A few sequences later we see how he wasn't very comfortable with this idea (he wanted to turn off the lights but the other guy turned them on) and yet he was made to shift into a position he did not prefer and hence was made to have rough sex.

We see Bill looking very solemn and injecting drugs into his hands.

We see the violent altercation between Lucian and David. We see David forcing himself on Lucian and eventually being stabbed by him.

We see Jack recieving the news of the death of his friend.

In this way, we see every member of the group being exposed to some form of violence, be it sex, drugs, physical altercations or death.

First Love and its aftermath First love is also an important theme of the movie as it shows how one's first love has the capacity to radically change a person from within:

Allen's first love changed him from the shy, people-pleasing always-upright persona to the bold, radical, critical and unafraid person he became at the end of the movie.

Allen's discovery of his own style of writing can also be majorly attributed to Lucian's criticism of his rhyme-schemes.

All in all, it was his love for Lucian that drove him to become a more out-going person and ignited the mischief in his spirit, while the heartbreak of realising Lucian didn't feel the same for him also lent him invaluable insight and allowed him to develop confidence and a sense of self-esteem, which would play a significant role in him eventually becoming his own person.

While Allen's first love furnished him with the overall better things in life, the same could not be said for Lucian, sadly. Lucian's first love reminded us how oppressive love can become if the other person isn't suited-well for us; it showed us how sometimes love and obsession are separated by a thin line, and how dangerous it becomes when the line is crossed.

Lucian's story also showed us how sometimes a relationship can be more abuse than love, and when that happened, how easy it became to confuse violence with love.

The most significant message that the theme of first-love portrays is that there will always be consequences.

With this, I bring my arguments and analyses to a close. I hope a future (or even past) lover of the movie happens to stumble upon this someday and learn something fascinating about the movie (or reignite their love for it). Thank you for reading this far!

[P.S. an uplifting fact: in real life, Lucian, Allen, Jack and Bill each got the type of life they wished for, and remained friends for the rest of their lives :) ]

#kill your darlings #dark academia movies #daniel radcliffe #dane dehaan #movie critique #film analysis #I hope I could word this comprehensibly

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itariilles · 5 years ago

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My Statement on Tolkien 2019

[ French translation and German translation availible. ]

It has been incredibly difficult for me to speak on my experiences regarding my experiences of hostility and othering in spaces that I loved and still hold dear to my heart, and for that reason I have been silent. That is until now.

I have decided that now is the right time for me to come forward with my experience and statement regarding my negative experience as a person of colour engaging in Tolkien spaces.

I want people involved in the wider Tolkien community to reflect on their roles in the specific spaces they inhabit, and how you can foster a better environment for marginalised groups to interact and engage with those spaces in a safe and inclusive manner.

Take your time to listen and put effort into listening to fans of colour when they are speaking about their lived experiences and their grievances especially when they are speaking about a topic as personal as racism. Being critical of a work you love and the media surrounding it is not easy thing, but we need to recognise that these criticisms are valid and deserve to be taken seriously when it affects a collective of people across different backgrounds.

I want to preface this by stating that I am speaking only for myself and my own lived experience as a vocal young non-black POC in a predominantly white space. I acknowledge that my experience is by no means universal or indicative of all POC in Tolkien fandom spaces.

I also understand that real life interactions differ widely from interactions on online fandom spaces, but there are disturbing similarities across both online and real life spaces with specific regard to the environment and treatment of vocal POC in both.

The tragedy is many people do not realise their impact not only on the individuals involved, but on the wider attitude towards POC voices in fandom when the topic of racism is discussed. We need to build safe environments where critical discussions of diversity and race from the people most affected by them are taken to heart, not invalidated or spoken over as targets of microaggressions.

To give a bit of context, Tolkien 2019 was an in person conference organised by the Tolkien Society (which I was a member of at the time). The official website for Tolkien 2019 has been taken down but the Tolkien Society has a nice summary written in August 2018 breaking down the event here.

I was approached by the Education Secretary at the time about my possible involvement in a panel discussing the history and future of the Tolkien Society which I elaborate on further in my statement. It was the first time I had felt that I had a platform where I could freely express my voice as a diverse reader and consumer of Tolkien media who held diversity in Tolkien as a core value in the wider Tolkien brand.

I felt that as the only non-white member on the panel I had an obligation to speak out on the topic of diversity when it was raised. I tried to speak briefly about some of the points and discourses I had heard on portrayals of diversity in Tolkien media with as much nuance as I could manage at the time. In response to some points I had made I was met with vocal disapproval by some audience members and visible signs of disapproval and hostile body language from others.

This was made even more jarring when later during the course of the event when two white creators hinted at vague notions of diversity were met with a far greater degree of approval. The former instance was during the context of a panel regarding the upcoming LOTR on Prime series, and the latter was during a talk presented by the chair of the Tolkien Society.

I felt intimidated and reluctant to involve myself any further in the Tolkien fandom, especially in real life spaces as my experience at Tolkien 2019 had only solidified and reaffirmed my fears and unease I had engaging in a predominantly white fandom with few visible POC members and creators who tackle topics of diversity and racism in both the community and source texts.

Following this event I was approached by an affiliate of one of the attendees who very kindly took the time to listen to me and suggested that I should write a statement in response to my experience. To my knowledge, my statement has not been shared or published on any platform yet and this will be the first time I have ever spoken about it publicly.

Since then some of my thoughts and opinions on certain aspects of Tolkien fandom and meta have shifted or evolved which I will hopefully expand on in the future, but I wanted to share my initial unchanged statement I wrote reflecting my immediate reaction to my experience.

I want to be seen as a Tolkien creative and critical thinker above anything else, but I cannot move forward with my work without speaking about my lived experience in a space which has been consistently hostile to me and so many others across different Tolkien spaces for so many years starting with my account of this one experience.

I hope my statement finds itself in good hands and I will always be willing to engage with others about my experiences so long as you engage with me in good faith.

The statement I wrote on 25/09/2019 is as follows:

From the 9th to 11th of August of this year I attended a conference held by the Tolkien society aptly named “Tolkien 2019” that advertised itself as the “largest celebration of Tolkien ever held by the Society” in which I both spoke as a panelist and independant speaker. The event itself was a mixture of both formal and informal panels, papers presented by selected members of the society, and evening social events.

My invitation to speak on the “History of the Tolkien Society” panel was presented as deliberate choice made by the panel organiser as a gateway for discussion about diversity and representation in Tolkien. On the official programme, the panel was described as a discussion concerning “what the Tolkien Society and Tolkien fandom in general may become as it encounters digital spaces, issues of representation and diversity, academic interest and a myriad other factors that make up our lived experience today”.

Although there was much excitement and anticipation on my half in the weeks and days leading up to the event, it soon turned to dread when the tone and climate of the discussion dawned on me when I took my seat alongside five other panelists ranging from seasoned Tolkien scholars, long-time members of the Society, and a member with a leadership position within the Society. On that four person panel, I was the only one racialised as non-white. In fact, I was one of only three people in a room of approximately fifty to sixty people racialised as non-white.

It wasn’t long before the true motive of placing me — a young, new member of the Society, who felt already out of place and out of my depth even being offered the opportunity to participate in the first place — on a panel of what I perceived to be more seasoned members of the society.

When the topic of diversity and representation in the Tolkien fandom was raised by the moderator, I saw it as an opportunity for me to share my own experiences as a young fan who predominantly consumed Tolkien content online, as well as some observations I had made regarding the current pop-cultural perception of Tolkien as being heavily influenced, if not wholly entered around the Peter Jackson trilogies and being deeply ingrained with the issues that seep from those interpretations into our overall perception of the Tolkien brand.

One of the talking points that seemed to have caused the biggest uproar and dissent was one in which I referred Tolkien’s description of Sam’s hands as brown in two instances — the first in the Two Towers, and the second instance in Return of the King and how this has been translated into film as both literal and symbolic interpretations. The former in the Ralph Bakshi’s the “Lord of the Rings” released in 1978 in which I noted that the decision to portray Sam as more ethnically ambiguous compared to the other Hobbits was a deliberate choice, whereas the latter was depicted in the recent Peter Jackson trilogy released in the early 2000’s took the description symbolically and cast the white American actor Sean Astin for the role.

The backlash I received for this was, I believe, absolutely disproportionate to the views I expressed. I saw members frown and grunt in disapproval, as well as some visibly shake their heads at me. In spite of me parroting how I saw both interpretations as equally valid as a defence mechanism in the face of such an aggressive response to what to me seemed like an innocuous observation made by a young person of colour who did not see many portrayals of people of colour in Tolkien.

Comments such as “I don’t care who they cast as Sam whether he’s black, brown, yellow, blue or green!” and “Tolkien’s message is universal I don’t see how race factors into this!” were shouted in between points I was making, and countless others were made as an effort to dismiss the effort I put in to hopefully start an open dialogue about the lack of diversity in adaptations of Tolkien and how it has coloured our perception of the overall brand, and perhaps fantasy as a whole.

Some other talking points I decided to mention included Peter Jackson’s Easterlings (coded as being North African or Middle Eastern in the film) as being appallingly Orientalist and damaging in a post-911 world, as well as referring to Tolkien’s vague descriptions of certain characters and people groups that can be interpreted as ethnic coding or perhaps hint at a more diverse cast than the popular brand of Tolkien that may have us believe. I iterated that it is the responsibility of consumers of Tolkien and Tolkien related media to push for different interpretations of the text in order to break the perception that Tolkien’s works are entirely Anglo and Eurocentric with no place for people of colour in the vast world he had created in my opinion as a love letter to his own.

A month later it is still difficult for me to fully wrap my head around what I had experienced during the conference, much less articulating it in a statement, but if there is a note I would like to conclude on it would be this: it was never about changing Tolkien’s works, but reinterpreting his 20th century text littered with colonial artefacts and reimagining the foundations of his work through a 21st century lens in an attempt to decolonise the interpretation of his works in popular culture.

To change the way we read, write and depict the Tolkien brand is to fundamentally change the landscape of the entire genre of fantasy which has and still derives so heavily from Tolkien’s works and the global Tolkien brand.

End.

#tolkien fandom #tolkien society #racism in tolkien #tolkien fandom racism #ok to reblog

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tobiosmilktea · 5 years ago

Note

I really like the hidden feelings hc you wrote! And was wondering if you could do them for,,,,ushijima, akaashi, Osamu and kageyama🥺👉👈

hidden feelings with ushijima, akaashi, osamu, and kageyama (vol. 2)

original prompt: in which you tell your best friend that you were in love with someone else... but that someone else is actually them

a/n: AHHH im glad you all liked the first part! lowkey they were really fun to write so i hope you guys like this one as well

— u. wakatoshi

i kinda suck at writing ushijima, so bear with me on this one uh

one of the biggest things about toshi when he likes someone is that he respects them fully and looks up to them at times, so it surely intensifies when the person he likes is his best friend

and because of this, he fully respects the idea of you liking someone even though he affects him to the very core

it started off like this:

you have been incredibly close with shiratorizawa’s ace ever since you two met in middle school and even then he was known as an amazing volleyball player, not to mention he was super intimidating even as a first year in middle schooler

never in a million years have you ever thought that you would even become friends let alone become best friends as you felt you two had nothing in common

toshi was super into volleyball and athletic meanwhile you stuck with your academics

really the only thing you and him had in common was that you two had the same homeroom for the majority of your time here at shiratorizawa academy

but here you two were, in the midst of an awkward plateau in your friendship that only you can be blamed for

tendou satori, in his loud and boisterous glory often hung around you and toshi and quickly found out about your feelings for the vb captain

granted, you were quite blunt about your feelings for toshi, but as the naive individual he was who new nothing about love besides his feelings for volleyball, he usually overlooked your attempts at casual and harmless flirting

and since you two were now in your final years of high school together, you couldn’t help but feel dejected at the fact you would inevitably go your own separate ways

“just confess to him dumbass!” tendou would tell you (more like shout, but it’s not like ushijima would even spare a blink at that)

“toshi doesn’t seem like the guy who has romantic feelings for someone, satori.” you sighed doubtfully

“so?” the redhead pressed, “what’s the worse that can happen?”

you scoff, “umm,, rejection homie, duh??”

“you don’t have to necessarily confess to him, (y/n).” he suggests, “you could always ask if he’s into anybody and if he says that he likes you, then BINGO!”

you were still hesitant about it though, but as the year was ending in a couple months you literally had nothing to lose

you walked up to ushijima after practice, walking back towards the dorms

since the academy’s campus was gigantic for no reason, it allowed enough time for you two to talk privately

“toshi,” you started, your heart jumping into your throat each time your arms would briefly brush against each other. “do you like anyone?”

you looked up at him, searching for an answer within his visage but it was deadpanned per usual

“sure,” he muttered, “i like you—”

your breath hitched and your heart was beating so fast you could combust

‘—and i like tendou and semi and everyone else i know. they’re great friends.”

oh how your excitement had never faded so quickly

homie really said SIKE and you couldn’t help but feel like an idiot

“no, toshi, i meant as in do you have feelings for someone...”

“oh... depends.”

vague. but at least it was an answer

“do you like anyone, (y/n)?” he asked and you immediately nodded

“yeah, i do like someone, but honestly, i doubt he likes me back.” you professed and you could’ve swore you saw the muscle in his jaw tense

“and why is that?”

you shrug, taking your eyes off him and back towards the ground. “i think he’s too occupied with volleyball, so i doubt dating is definitely not a priority of his—”

toshi’s fists within his pockets were balling with his knuckles turning completely white from the pressure, “who?”

“u-um, i don’t know if i’m comfortable enough to say...”

it was then toshi would grab your wrist, gently tugging you back into an embrace

your eyes widened into saucers at the sudden gesture, this was definitely not normal for ushijima but then again confessing your feelings for someone shouldn’t be a normal, everyday thing

“i want to know who, (y/n).” he repeated again

“why do you want to know so badly?”

ushijima gulped down the lump forming in his throat as for the first time he felt nervous to talk to you, “because i have a feeling it’s me.”

“hUH?” you exclaimed

like perhaps you were actually taken aback considering you thought he would never come to conclusion that it was him, unless...

“... tendou told me.”

yup there it was

a frustrated sigh left your lips, “of course it was. that loudmouth never keeps his mouth shut i swear—”

“but i like you too.” toshi quickly cut in, completely straight to the point as there was no reason to beating around the bush at this point anyway

“you do?”

he nods, “i’m just glad it’s not semi.”

— a. keiji

homeboy is BLUNT

like really blunt, it would be a surprise if he wasn’t the one to call you out on your bullshit when you told him your liked someone

he would always do so when bokuto says or does something stupid, but of course you were an exception since he had feelings for you as well

in a mere sense of miscommunication (or lack thereof) as akaashi tends to not show much at all

even in the most emotional events where most others can’t help but be happy or sad or excited or angry, it seems he always had that calm visage all over his face

because of that, you couldn’t tell whether or not he even noticed how daft and obvious your feelings were towards him

then again, his usual calm and quiet demeanor did mean that he could read others like an open book with how observant he was

the thing is, he was well aware of your advances and honestly liked seeing your blushing face and how your attention was on him and him only

you regard of having your eyes only on him kinda made him feel prideful that it was him you focused on, but he would never in a million years tell you that from the fear that you would stop

so he would act oblivious towards your feelings for him

however, he didn’t take into account that you could pine for someone for so long before you get bored

well, you weren’t exactly bored of akaashi as you were still head over heels for him, it was more like you had grown tired of your strategy of winning him over

so who else could you go to besides bokuto, your other best friend

“you know, akaashi really likes it when you fawn over him but he doesn’t say anything about it cause he knows you’d get flustered and stop.” the silver haired boy muttered into your ear during lunch, “but you didn’t hear that from me

he then winked at you and you couldn’t help but roll your eyes at him as you make your way to akaashi

you greeted him like normal, talk to him like any other best friend would before you nonchalantly mentioned you liked someone

and you could’ve swore you saw his jaw tighten and his eye twitch

he scoffed at the mere thought of you giving all your love and affection towards another guy that wasn’t him

akaashi is never the type of guy that gets jealous easily as most of the time being jealous is being unreasonable, but here he was being unreasonable

it wasn’t like you were his s/o or anything, but it genuinely irked him

“who is it?” he would ask, trying to sound calm as possible.

homie can barely make eye contact with you because he would instantly melt into a puddle for you

“well...” you hesitate to say anything in case he would figure out it was him, but you honestly had nothing to lose if it came to that point where you confessed right here and now. “he’s on the volleyball team and he’s in our year.”

it was then you slapped your hand over your mouth as you realized that akaashi was the only second year on fukurodani’s vb team

“uhh, i mean—” you tried to lie but was immediately cut off by him

this is where akaashi’s bluntness comes into play

“you know if you said you liked me, this would’ve been easier on the both of us,” he mutters, smoothly wrapping his hand around yours. “cause i like you too, (y/n).”

you struggled to respond as you were too busy internally screaming at that he was literally holding your hand rn “y-you do?”

“of course,” he shrugs as he pulled you to walk with him back to your classroom, “i wouldn’t let you focus on anyone else besides me, anyway.”

— m. osamu

like akaashi, he has a really calm visage and doesn’t show much emotion

but unlike akaashi, he really bother trying to hide the fact that he does know of your feelings for him

if anything he feels smug about it, but literally refuses to say anything about it cause you were to oblivious to see it yourself

he figured you’d find out in the long run as this pining was actually kinda fun for him

so there he would be, acting as normal as possible while you casually flirted with him and acting as if you two were nothing more than just having playful banter as best friends do

lowkey i honestly see the miya twins having some form of commitment issues, so osamu would most likely not progress your relationship any further

he likes to think it’s because he likes lowkey teasing you, but in reality, despite knowing of your feelings well, he fears that a relationship with him (something more than just best friends) he’d think that he will disappoint you in the long run

eventually, like any old game being repeated over and over again, you got tired of it

it had gotten so bad that you even went to atsumu for advice

literally the moment you went up to him and even muttered the words, “i need your help,” was totally uncalled for and even shocked atsumu

nonetheless, he felt honored and stupidly cocky that you were going to him for relationship advice

atsumu super cheeky when it came to this, but since osamu was still his brother he never told you that osamu was aware of your feelings

instead his first idea was to make him jealous

being quite the competitive twins they were, there was always a stigma between them and shared things

not that they had minded sharing normal everyday things as they were used to that growing up, but you were an exception obviously. you weren’t an object and specifically you were osamu’s best friend

when you and the twins grew up together, osamu had made it very clear and evident that you were his and his only and greatly hated whenever atsumu would put his arm over your shoulders and call you his best friend

“honestly, i think you should just tell you like someone else.” atsumu spoke to you, mindlessly munching on chips in his bedroom

you had came over to the miya household and osamu definitely found it sus when you made your way to his brother’s room instead of his where you two would usually hang out

you mentioned some small white lie that you needed to talk about a project with atsumu and that he could go into the kitchen and make some snacks while they were speaking

but at this point, you were in atsumu’s room for way too long for osamu’s liking and he was getting super jealous ngl

“so you want me to lie?” you scoffed over at the blond boy

“not necessarily,” he says. “you saying that ya like someone is completely true as the person you like is him, dummie”

you roll your eyes but he continues, “just don’t specify who it is to the point where he eventually confesses his feelings for you.”

“and how do you know he likes me back?”

“twin intuition, (y/n)”

that’s when you finally left his room and made your way to the kitchen where osamu had a hard look on his face as he aggressively slide a plate of onigiri towards you

“looks delicious, samu” you complimented nonchalantly.

“what were you two doing in there?” he immediately questioned

this caused you to instantly take into account of what atsumu suggested without a second thought, “we were talking about the guy i like”

osamu let out a scoff, forcing himself not to roll his eyes and he asked who it was

“just some random person.” you say as you munched on the onigiri

“well, i don’t want a random person to have someone that belongs to me.” osamu mutters out of the blue, stopping you from chewing

your eyes had widened as your eyebrows furrowed in confusion, “what do you mean? it’s not like we’re dating or anything—”

“but what if i want us to.”

UMM SIR ???

your appetite immediately disappeared as you felt your heart swell and your nerves jump. the rhythm of your heartbeat was pulsating so quickly you swore that your he could hear how fast it was going

“but...” osamu suddenly adds in before you could respond, “since i’m your best friend, i should be supportive of those you like—”

you sighed, a gentle honey-like chuckle left your lips. “idiot,” you breathed out affectionately, “i was talking about you, you’re the guy i like.”

it was then he made his way towards you and immediately pulled you into an embrace

“is that what you really talked about with atsumu for thirty minutes?”

you nod as your voice muffled into his broad chest

“cant believe you brought him into this,” he chuckles as you peck a soft kiss on the corner of his lip

— k. tobio

honestly this boy is the most oblivious out of everyone else

he genuinely thinks you’re in love when someone else when you literally make it pretty obvious

granted, kags just thinks it’s just you being yourself as he believes that you only act like that cause you’re his best friend

he thinks your cute flirts and subtle jokes that make him blush redder than a tomato was just your casual friendly banter when in reality you were actually trying to make some money moves lmao

and you noticed this

the thing is, you always liked teasing kags while shagging his hair as he tries to hide the blush on his face, so you figured you could did best

it was the day of the interhigh tournaments and he invited you to watch their first game against dateko

he always liked your presence at games as hearing your loud and thunderous shouts and chants always motivated him and fueled his fire

however, thirty minutes before the match had started, you and tobio were talking near the water fountains, wishing him good luck with some playful jokes thrown around here and there before you completely dropped the bomb on him

it went kinda like this:

the laughter from the last joke you cracked finally died down as tobio casually took a sip from the water fountain, filling a brief moment of comfortable silence between you two

that’s when you said it, “so there’s this guy i really like.”

and that completely caused the setter to choke on his water as he immediately straightened up and looked at you with saucers for eyes

“y-you do?” he stammered over his words as he whipped the drips of water from his face

nodding, you quickly threw him a smile. it was a smile he always liked seeing on your face, the one he couldn’t help but completely melt into an enigma which was you

tobio couldn’t help but feel his muscles tense and his heart suddenly stop beating

the idea that he was no longer the only guy in your life was terrifying

sure you were friends with the rest of the karasuno team and yet he afraid of that fact as he knew that he was the only one who could be this close to you

but the idea that another guy, someone possibly better than him being closer to you and than tobio could ever literally scared him

not because he had undeniable feelings for you since middle school, but the fact that his best friend might put more of their attention to their boyfriend rather than him

“anyway,” you cut in after you noticed that kags wasn’t responding. “i was planning to confess to him soon...” tobio swore he felt his heart plummet, “i just hope he likes me back.”

i hope he doesn’t, tobio thought completely unaware that you were talking about him

it was then hinata turned the corner and spotted you and tobio, “kageyama! hurry, we need to get on court!”

tobio attempted to shake the feeling of the tightening in his chest as he quickly said goodbye to you and ran towards the courts with hinata

you sigh to yourself before making your way back to the bleachers

once the game had started, you suddenly noticed a change in tobio’s demeanor

from the mere look on his face and to the way his muscles tensed every time he had set was different—almost determined to prove a point

and that was exactly what he was doing

the second the game started a whole knew visage melted upon his face, something mixed with the passion of the game and the determination of win was the chrysalis of the point was trying to make

that he was the only one worthy for you and he would prove it by perhaps playing the hardest and the strongest in the game to win for not only karasuno and his team, but for you as well

the entire game, from each of his receives, blocks, and sets that they were for you

you would always be so happy for him whenever he would win as you would through your arms around him and hug him until there’s no tomorrow

he wished to feel it once more the moment karasuno gained that final point to win

you swore your voice was going to get completely destroyed from the amounts of boisterous shouts leaving your mouth as karasuno had won against dateko

a smile appeared on your face as you watched your favorite boy throw his fist in the air and get absolutely trampled by the rest of his teammates

after the opposing teams shook hands, that’s when you raced down the stairs of the bleachers and dashed towards tobio as fast as you could

he had barely turned over his shoulder to see you coming at him at full speed

you immediately jumped on him and engulfed him into a hug, your legs wrapped around the setter as you exclaimed, “i’m so proud your tobio! i swear sometimes i wonder why i haven’t confessed to you sooner.”

that’s when he would accidentally drop you from the shock as would literally shout, “HUH??”

fortunately, you caught yourself before falling on your ass as you giggled lightly, “i was talking about you earlier, idiot.”

tobio literally felt a huge wave of relief, pulling you into a hug again. “oh thank god.”

the setter imagined that he was on the top of the world then, from winning karasuno’s first official game as a team to him finally winning over your heart

he had never felt better.

740 notes · View notes

bulletproofscales · 4 years ago

Text

the realest of selves

this is the namkook fic i told yall i was working on, the birthday friend already recived it so i thougth id post it! its not feederism and its very fluffy. hope you enjoy!

https://archiveofourown.org/works/28723872/chapters/70426767

9/9 chapters 6.4 words

tags: established relationship, misunderstandings, fluff, happy ending

the one where jungkook falls in love again through namjoon’s poems, without knowing its him

Moma Muji.

That's the brand of the notebook Jungkook has in his hands… or, hand actually. It's rather small.

Must be passport sized.

He doesn’t own one of these.

He fumbles with it curiously. No, Jungkook doesn’t pick random objects he finds laying around; his mother raised him right.

But this wasn’t just any random object, this notebook had been left abandoned at Jungkook’s favorite desk in the college library. Specifically perfect because nobody used it: desk free of bumps from the scribbles or from people who wrote with too much force, minimal amount of gum stuck beneath it (He aspired for zero, but his dreams had been crushed pretty early on to his college life). The positioning was perfect too, far enough that the library’s wifi didn’t reach it, which was practically useless with the amount of work covered students plaguing the place constantly; but if he needed too, he could connect to the wifi from the classrooms nearby (And Jungkook went to the library at night time so… no classes happening at all)

It's the perfect desk and if something was left forgotten here, then it means it isn’t his anymore.

Which means he has the right to investigate.

The ragged, leather like texture feels expensive against his fingers. If he had to name the color, it would be a slightly darker version of a persian green; it's pretty. Jungkook can’t imagine someone using this for any academic purposes, given the size. He keeps playing around with it in his hands, hesitant.

It is one thing to pick up a stranger’s notebook on the desk, but to open it? It's a completely different violation of privacy. And he said it before: his mother raised him right.

Muji is an artsy brand right? These types of stationary notebooks probably have an information slot where he can find information; a name at least. Something to make hipsters who buy Muji, feel like their notebook is more special and personalized.

If he wants to find the owner he has to open it, doesn’t he?

No. Jungkook could simply deliver it to the librarian and let the owner look for it themselves.

Curiosity is killing him, though. To the point he was already opening the notebook even before he finished that thought. Eyes wide and fingers eager as he leans forward to find what he is looking for.

This notebook belongs to:

the Real Me

Oh.

Oh fuck.

This person is more hipster than Jungkook had even prepared himself to.

That tells him… absolutely nothing.

Hope you’re happy, Jungkook thinks to himself, directing it to the random hipster stranger.

As spiteful as he is of this infuriating halt that was brought to his detective adventure, he has to admit, the vulnerability of the stranger’s answer did absolutely nothing to calm his curiosity.

There's a few moments of quiet, just Jungkook and the first page staring at one another, as if daring him to look further, to sink deeper into the real authentic version of someone he has never even met.

I promise I won’t judge. He thinks apologetically as he flips the page.

In the blood you shed in the winter i was born red

Plum blossom in the snow:

Camellia,

Daffodil

Yeah, yeah, you can call me whatever you want

Listen up, winter you’ve bloomed me

Now I’m going to burn my branches blue

06/01/20

He gasps, as if Jeongguk had been holding his breath the entire time while reading it.

Moma Muji, passport size.

He looked it up when he got back to his dorm. It is in fact passport sized, the same exact measurements as a passport: 4.92 x 3.36 inches. How funny is that?

Jungkook had intended to continue reading in the library. But after...that, a feeling took over him that he was opening in a place far too public for the realest self of the (apparently) poet.

A poet…

There's a dreamy sigh that leaves his lips.

Anyways! The point is he took the notebook to his dorm and is now preparing himself to read more of it; from the safety of the locked door.

I’m real good, but a little uncomfortable

I’m still not sure if I’m a dog or a pig or what else

But then other people put a pearl necklace on me

So much blabbering

One says ‘run’ another says ‘stop’

This one says `look at the forest`

That one says ‘look at the wildflower’

My shadow, I wrote and called it ‘hesitation’

So they really are a poet.

In the back of Jungkook’s head he had expected for that first one to just be a silly quote this person added to the beginning of their notebook; maybe from a song from a band that they brag about listening to before it was popular.

But it's not…. this person is a poet…

This person is a romantic . The thought comes with a warmth that spreads across his cheeks.

It's obvious, these are romance poems. The first one, speaking about falling in love in the winter, about how delicate the poet’s significant other makes them feel; as delicate as these winter blooming flowers, comparing himself to a plant that burns under their love even during the winter. Love is getting them through the cold.

The second poem, however, is a lot less optimistic. Clearly the poet is battling their own feelings of inadequacy with the flattering words of their partner. They think of themself as a pig or a dog while they’re being treated with love. Different directions and orders are being directed to the poet are the contradicting opinions of themself: the ones they hear of their own and the ones from their partner.

So they’re probably in a relationship , he thinks with a little apprehension.

Not that it matters to Jungkook what this literal stranger is doing with their romantic life. He has to remind himself that, given that just the two poems had been able to give Jungkook a sensation of… odd familiarity; as if he knows this person already. It seemed as if with those poems he had gotten a glimpse of the poet’s two sides.

Obviously, the poems already showed two sides regarding the theme of love: safety and doubt. But aside from that, Jungkook couldn’t help but notice the difference in the way of expressing these sides: while the first poem was melodic and metaphorical, the second one held a language that sounded just a lot more accessible and down to earth.

This person must have thought about this relationship a lot.

It doesn’t matter, and it most certainly doesn’t affect him; so Jungkook shuts the notebook closed. He’ll just go about his day.

Moma Muji, passport size, 4.92 x 3.36 inches.

Why does Jungkook remember the exact size?

Hell, why is he thinking about that notebook at all?!

Jungkook had rushed out, stumbling into his running shoes and beanie. Joonie had invited him to go out for a run even though they’re well into winter. And Jungkook… he is smitten enough to say yes.

But, nobody can blame him. He always has so much fun when he is with Namjoon… Or well, he tends to have fun, when his mind isn’t keeping him distracted with useless things!

Useless things like the way Namjoon’s route goes by a huge Camellia bush.

Yeah yeah call me whatever you want

Would Joon like it if he called him Camellia? Would his branches burn blue with love?

“Jungkook-ah, you’ll trip if you keep running that deep into your head, baby.” His endeared tone calls him out of the deep trance. His voice is a little breathless from running, he does so effortlessly while talking after years of taking this same route. The youngest has to shake his head a little bit, for a moment, Namjoon’s voice still sounded a little bit far away.

“You look like you saw a ghost, whats up?” For some reason, his boyfriend’s obliviousness only leads Jungkook to one conclusion: Namjoon hasn’t noticed the Camellia bush.

Of course he hasn’t, why would he?

Jungkook… Can’t ignore the sour disappointment in his tongue.

…

Odd.

They’ve stopped running now.

You still have to answer something, Jungkook.

“Oh.. I was just-..” He cuts himself off. Doing what? Judging Namjoon for not meeting the standards of a random poet?

“Those flowers are pretty.” Jungkook finds his voice a little softer, gesturing to the bush a little bit behind him; still at arms reach. He can’t help but sound shy, the answer he came with on the spot was… rather silly.

But, at least it was true , he thinks as his eyes linger over the gorgeous splashes of pink.

Namjoon’s expression is startled for a second, before melting into tooth rotting fondness. “You like Camellias?” Jungkook can feel the older’s eyes on him, tender and loving; before his hand is reaching tenderly for the bush.

He can’t lie, Jungkook is a little hypnotized by the way Namjoon’s knuckles look caressing the flower carefully. “So, do you?” The young hadn’t realized he had forgotten to breathe at the sight, Namjoon’s voice grounding him yet again from his wandering thoughts.

His nod comes hurriedly, thank god Namjoon is used to his spacing out; his chuckles help Jungkook’s shoulders sag down relaxed. He hadn’t even realized he had tensed them in the first place. “They only bloom in the winter… Feels special.” A shy smile grows on his face as he eyes up at Namjoon; he is already staring at the younger with a soft look.

“Who would have guessed you knew about flowers.” There's something gently amused about his tone, playful and flirty. It still makes Jungkook feel exposed.

He doesn’t know about flowers. He just looked up the flowers on his way from the library. But of course Namjoon would pick up on it, his boyfriend has been into botany since before they even started dating.

Meanwhile Jungkook… has no excuse. He tries to hide it in his face. “Only after spending so much time with you! ”He exclaims softly, nudging his shoulder against his boyfriend’s. Jungkook hadn’t realized they were so close, his hand goes to meet Namjoon’s where it's cradling the flower. “Do you have one of these?” His voice comes out quietly, too caught up admiring the sight of their big hands holding the almost hyperbolically delicate flower.

Do you imagine the poet cares for Camellias and Daffodils?

Namjoon chuckles softly, for some reason, it feels like he is reading Jungkook’s thoughts. “No, they’re a little too hard to maintain just for a pretty flower that comes once a year.”

Oh… He can’t help his disheartened reaction.

“Hey, don’t look so disappointed.” Jungkook’s eyes snap from where they were stranded on the flower, Namjoon’s hand isn’t there anymore; but he can distinctively feel a hand gingerly tucking a strand of hair into Jungkook’s beanie. Handling the younger in a similar fashion than he did the flower. “We can come take care of this one every once in a while; I’m sure I got some ericaceous fertilizer saved up.” His eyes meet Namjoon, smiling tenderly.

Jungkook can feel his chest tighten in affection. A grin spreads across his face. “This is just an excuse for you to take me in more runs with you, isn’t it?” He can barely hold his accusing laugh, launching forward to press his fists to Namjoon’s chest; it earns a roll of his eyes, but Jungkook can the tremble of a laugh under his hands.

“Can’t even start a nice project with your boyfriend anymore. Romance is so dead.” His attempts for sound annoyed are laughable. And the answer only makes it more obvious what Namjoon’s intentions truly were.

Romance can’t be dead, though. Not as long as that Moma Muji, passport sized, 4.92 x 3.36 inch notebook is sitting in his dorm.

He feels guilt as he side eyes the notebook laying on his bedside table. Especially with the feeling of Namjoon’s plush lips lingering on his cheek from when he just dropped Jungkook by his room.

Especially when that persian green cover is a mocking reminder of the Camellia bush they encountered; reminding Jungkook that the flower mentioned in the poem has no relation to Jungkook’s life outside from the confines of that green leather cover.

Reminding Jungkook of how… oddly disappointed he is by that fact.

He plops heavily on his bed, arm reaching for his bedside table. When he grips the notebook and opens it, he does it spitefully.

I wanted to have the sea so I swallowed it up

But I’m even thirstier than before

Is what I know really an ocean?

Or a blue dessert?

Maybe it's the soothing feeling of his stomach full from the food he had with Namjoon after his run.

Maybe it's the dark outside his window, allowing his thoughts to think of someone, somewhere, who can’t have enough of their lover.

He doesn’t know… But he manages to fall asleep.

Moma Muji, passport size, 4.92 x 3.36 inches, persian green cover.

The guilt follows him like a shadow.

Damn, he is even thinking in poems now.

He can't help it! He can’t help the way that, despite Namjoon giving him everything, he still longs for a romance like the one in the poems. Everyday, Jungkook sinks a little deeper into the vulnerable self of the poet; his heart fluttering at their verses while simultaneously expecting Namjoon to keep up with him. Keep up with his sensitive tugging of his heartstring that his boyfriend doesn't seem to be syncing to.

In fact, Namjoon seems to be more weary of Jungkook’s attempts at romance. Acknowledging them for sure and just, he isn’t de--escalating his gestures… But… he seems weary of them.

We need the scenery of the night more than anyone

You are the only one, that comforts me more than anything

Thinking “don’t think” it's a thought on itself, you know?

With your falling eyes I look at the night sky again

We are each other's night view

We are each other's moon

The poet said, and Jungkook thought while standing on the balcony of Namjoon’s apartment. The both of them are way too under-dressed for the weather; clouds looking menacing above them; hunched over the railing shoulders pressed together.

It's calm, however, Jungkook feels like his heart will beat out of his chest. Too many words, too many emotions that he can feel bottling up in chest; threatening to spill in a way that he fears is quite too vulnerable to present to Namjoon.

“I really need moments like these.” It feels as if with the help of the poet,Jungkook was able to really grow more comfortable voicing out his thoughts like these. A fear he had to explain to Namjoon when they first started dating, nervously reassured him that he did want a relationship; despite his lack of enthusiasm.

He was so embarrassed back then… Still dealing with the aftermath of a self-homophobic past.

“What about them?” He can feel Namjoon side-eyeing him with a smile.

Of course he doesn’t get it.

That’s something else Jungkook has been losing his grip of: the snarky comments that come out of Namjoon's… inadequacy? He shouldn’t even be calling it that, not when Namjoon has given him everything. It's just, lately, the more Jungkook grows in his romantic acts and words, the more it seems Namjoon is just… playing dumb.

He isn’t picking up any of his signals.

It's getting frustrating.

It's like Namjoon is just backing down when things were starting to get serious for them.

And that fucking hurts.

“Nothing, forget it.” He mumbles eyes still strained on the city infront of them. “It's getting late anyways, I should probably head back.” He can’t hide the distance in his voice. They had agreed Jungkook was staying over, and it's obvious how that objection hangs off Namjoon's tongue as he stares a little widened. Jungkook answers before he can speak. “I have early class tomorrow, it's better if I go from my dorm.”

Somehow, the disappointment grows on his boyfriend’s face more at that. “Oh…” Jungkook fights the urge to kiss the pout off his pouting lips. “Yeah you’re right it would just be… inconvenient to stay here.”

When Jungkook leaves, he feels a heaviness in his chest. But he chooses to ignore it.

Moma Muji, passport size, 4.92 x 3.36 inches, persian green cover, 24 pages.

24 of them, ruled, though only 16 are being used. Jungkook knows because he counted them, even if he hasn’t gotten to read everything he skimmed through the pages in a weak attempt to distract his mind. The unnecessary but easy counting of the pages, most of them double-sided in their use, except for the last one (They must have gotten tired of the ink bleeding through the pages, Jungkook asumes), helps keep his mind off last night.

Not that he has anything he needs distraction from. He is fine.

Him and Namjoon are fine .

No big fight occurred, no insensitive one sided fallout, no revolutionary discovery. But why does Jungkook feel so… off?

So neglected, so scammed, so robbed of a romance he could be having but doesn’t have. That Namjoon doesn’t let him have.

Jungkook always does this, he always feels so intensely, always too needy and too ready to fall in love. At a speed and intensity that doesn’t match others. He had revealed so much of himself to Namjoon, had been so open about his devotion, his complete and thorough adoration; and he convinced himself to believe Namjoon was okay with his arduous loving.

But if Jungkook took a second to think about it, he had been a fool to think that. Namjoon, his Namjoon is a philosopher by default, a thinker, he dissects, and recognizes, and categorizes, and doubts . Namjoon has so many doubts. About everything really, so perceptive of his surroundings he theorizes about things that aren't his business, except they are because Namjoon has an interest for every little thing in this world.

And it's as enamouring, as it is deadly.

Namjoon questions, questions himself, his intentions, his moral, his relationships, his worthiness .

It’s been four years.

But it's never too late for Namjoon to have second doubts. Even when Jungkook is sinked… so, so deep..

Maybe they aren’t meant to b-

Maybe Jungkook should read a poem.

Parting is to me, a tear that blooms unknowingly in my eyes

All the things we couldn’t say flow out

And lingering feelings crawl up my face

Parting is the reward that comes only at the end

Of my play of lies

It feels like hours as Jungkook stares at it, entranced. Only when he sees a teardrop make the ink bleed and smudge, is when he is snapped out of it.

He sets the notebook down in his night stand. Jungkook doesn’t feel like reading anymore of it, the knot on his chest only tightened by the unhelpful words of the poem.

He read enough .

Jungkook curls to his side dejected, as if offended at the poet and his own relationship problems.

Maybe romance is dead after all.

He feels his shoulders tremble in what's a sob shaking its way out of his lungs. Is he really going to give up Namjoon? Just for a romance that clearly isn’t as perfect as he thought it was?

He can’t.

Moma Muji, passport size, 4.92 x 3.36 inches, persian green cover, 24 pages, ruled, only 16 used.

That's what he thinks when his hand reaches for the notebook almost in a hurry. Jungkook had run back from that dreadful early class, he was barely able to concentrate, a plan forming in his head just as he was about to go to sleep dejected and sad. It kept him all night from the nerves of it all. He has to make things right, and the lack of sleep didn’t stop his adrenaline as it made his mind wander even with the professor explaining in front of him.

The point is Jungkook has the notebook and is desperately running to Namjoon’s apartment.

Guess all those winter runs served some purpose at least.

Maybe he is being stupid for running in negative number weather in clothes that were apropriate for his ac-heated classroom. But fuck it.

Romance is alive, and Jungkook is the breathing, sprinting, embodiment of it.

When he reaches Namjoon’s apartment, his throat feels like it has shards of ice poking at it with every deep swallow of air, the skin across his cheeks and nose sporting a blush from the cold and knife-like wind across his face running here. His hair is a mess, there’s definitely sweat stains under his arms, and he most definitely looks insane.

He also kinda forgot to tell Namjoon he was coming over, he knows his boyfriend’s schedules and routines so he should be home right now. He always has friday morning’s off. So he doesn’t bother letting Namjoon know, rather fumbling with his shaky, numb fingers to reach for the spare key. The ends of his hands are also red from the cold, tingling and making his movements clumsy.

But he manages to put the key into the whole regardless. And feeling quite proud of himself and with adrenaline still pumping through his veins, he opens the door.

Namjoon is standing near the door, hunched over halfway through putting on his shoes, looking up surprised. It seems as if adrenaline was only willing to get him this far, as it leaves Jungkook’s body completely.

“Babe…” Namjoon’s voice is cutely stunned, with his eyes widened and plump lips adorably parted with a mouth that stays ajar. “What are you doing here?”

“Where were you going?” Jungkook asks instead of answering. His voice is embarrassingly small for someone who took a 35 minute run without an ounce of doubt. Maybe he's just out of breath.

Oh god, Namjoon was leaving, he has stuff to do Jungkook came at a bad time, he is probably over exaggerating and took all of this way out of proportion and Namjoon didn’t even think anything was wrong at all and he is just making a big scene for nothing being the big, needy baby that he is; bothering Namjoon with his useless emotions-

“Your dorm.” He replies so simply, like sinceirty costs him nothing when it's to Jungkook. “I asked first though.” And his tone isn't accusatory as it is teasing.

Namjoon doesn’t specify, but something inside him wants to believe the older was on his way to do the same as Jungkook.

“I...I wanted to tell you something?” He can’t help but sound doubtful. Even when he knows Namjoon is on his way to see him, even when his eyes are soft enough to melt the shard of ice growing on Jungkook's throat; he can’t seem to recognize if it's from the run or the anxiety. “It's kinda silly, though.” He can’t help but coax that out as well. from the outside one would consider Jungkook is belittling his feelings, yet belittling it makes it less of a big deal and maybe it can calm the speeding rate of his heartbeat.

“It must be important if you came right after class.” Namjoon says taking off the single shoe he had managed to put on and properly stand up straight eyeing Jungkook. “Did you run all the way from the bus station? Jungkook…” He scolds, taking Jungkook's frozen hands into his own bigger warmer ones and drags him in.

Jungkook for a moment has to hold back a snicker imagining Namjoon’s reaction if he knew how he actually got here. And he looks so cute with his small frown and determined expression already. He can feel his own heart sizing up as Namjoon drags him by the hands into the couch, hushing about Jungkook being too careless and too underdressed as he drapes a heavy blanket over his shoulders.

He feels cared for, it's nice.

It's only when Namjoon forced a hot cup of tea into Jungkook’s hands, that they slowly start to regain their feeling, that the older sits back down next to him on the couch. His eyes are concerned, unsure, as if all this had just been an excuse to make time, before he inevitably has to ask. “What-uh--What did you want to tell me?” He manages to smile, but Jungkook knows him all too well.

Jungkook’s expression doesn’t falter though, he is ready to do this. He needs to do this.

“You...you’re probably wondering what happened to me yesterday.” Namjoon’s expression drops at that nodding a bit quickly, eagerly, and all too endearingly. Jungkook really made him worry, didn’t he?

“I was upset over some rando’s romantic poems,because--well its stupid but- they were so corny and romantic, they actually made me doubt what you and I have.” He can't help the incredulous tone of his voice because, saying it outloud finally, it really is so ridiculous. Jungkook shakes his head smiling, as if humored.

When his eyes find Namjoon again, they melt with love at the older’s stunned expression. “I convinced myself we were out of sync, or that you weren’t getting anything I sent your way. But it was just those stupid corny poems getting to me.” He sets the cup down, hands warm enough to hold Namjoon’s.

“But I am stupid, and corny, and in love.” He feels his own cheeks burning. “So I want to dedicate these poems to you.” Jungkook knows his smile is giddy like a childs as he reaches for his pocket taking the infamous notebook and handing it to Namjoon with an excited smile.

His boyfriend still looks stunned, and Jungkook can only think about how much smaller the passport sized notebook fits in his hands; even when Jungkook’s own hands aren’t particularly small, it's his boyfriend’s fault for being so family-sized.

With a great amount of strength, he forces himself to stop looking at his boyfriend’s gorgeous hands as he skims through the pages. He is a little surprised to find a frown on Namjoon’s brow, an anxious feeling settling over the younger at the bottom of his stomach.

“How much did you read of it?” Namjoon asks eyes staying glued to the notebook on his lap, avoiding Jungkook’s wide vulnerable eyes.

“U-uh.. I read… I read the first five, though--though the fifth one isn't romantic I only want the first four of them for you. They--I think they fit perfectly into my--my feelings for you.” Jungkook is growing nervous by the second, Namjoon’s eyes stay strained on the notebook, as Jungkook grows more and more convinced that he is exposing too much too intensely again.

“So you didn’t read the whole thing.” For the first time since Jungkook handed him the notebook, Namjoon’s eyes traveled to meet Jungkook’s unsure eyes. He can’t find his voice so he just shakes his head, and that makes his boyfriend's shoulders relax with a sigh. “Okay that explains it.”

“Ex-Explains what?”

“None of those poems are romantic, Jungkook-ah.”

Moma Muji, passport size, 4.92 x 3.36 inches, persian green cover, 24 pages, ruled, only 16 used, poems 1-5 non-romantic themes (allegedly).

“How--how would you know?” Jungkook asks almost defensively, as if standing up for the stranger poet with fanaticism.

Namjoon winces as if it pains him to say it. “I left the notebook by your desk, its uh--mine.” He was avoiding Jungkook’s eyes until now, staring up at him vulnerable, but with a small smile. “They aren’t romantic poems.”

Jungkook’s world stops for just a second, the shock is evident on his face. He is beginning to open his mouth to speak again but he can’t find anything in his seemingly hollow head to say anything. “Well...That’s embarrassing.” He manages to say, feeling the tip of his ears burn.

He made that whole love scene.

“I believe the reader can find more than one structured meaning to the poems, it's not that my meaning is above yours just because I wrote it.” Namjoon explains, and maybe it's his imagination, but he sounds a lot more comfortable having seen his own loss of words on Jungkook’s tongue. He is handing him back the notebook, the older’s smile is almost as giddy as his when he first started his monologue.

“That sounds like bullshit to make me feel better.” He manages to joke with a grin.

“You should read it, the ending” Namjoon’s smile turns warm. He didn’t deny it. Sounds like, thinking the creator’s intentions are equal to the perception of the auciende, is bullshit after all. “It's kinda important.” There's humor in his voice and a pout forms on the younger’s lips.

“Well I liked to appreciate them one poem at a time!” He defends but it's harmless under Namjoon’s loving stare.

“You could have just recognized my handwriting, baby.” Jungkook’s face blushes in embarrassment.

“And take away all the mystery? No.”

Jungkook’s fingers are hurried and clumsy as he flips over the pages, at first eyeing the poems that had already plagued his mind for weeks. And as he continues forward finding more scribbles and poems, only recognizing a word or two before skipping until he reached the last pages. His heart threatened to beat its way out of Jungkook’s chest.

He is pretty sure he is on page 14 when he meets what he is looking for.

Moma Muji, passport size, 4.92 x 3.36 inches, persian green cover, 24 pages, ruled, only 16 used, poems 1-5 non-romantic themes (confirmed by author: Jungkook’s boyfriend).

Jungkook

His own name stares back at him as he prepares himself for what's next. But he can't find it in himself to feel afraid, not with the weight of Namjoon’s adoring eyes on him.

If you’ve reached this part is because you managed to read through this notebook and whatever I coax out of myself to write in it. I

If you reached this part, then it means you managed to get through all the ugly that I put in here, all my doubts and fears and sour thoughts, I displayed them to you.

Because you make me believe that all my ugly insides are worthy of love; that my entire self is somehow deserving of you. You make me want to show you my realest self.

So, I did. And even if it hasn’t happened I’m terrified of the thought already; no one has made me sink as deep as you, while simultaneously lifting me up higher than ever.

For some reason, I get the feeling I’m exaggerating, since you always find a way to love the unlovable parts of myself. But despite that, I want to give you something pretty, and worthy of love.

I used to be one of those whatever people

I didn’t believe in what real love is

I used to say habitually “I want to love”

But I found myself. The whole new myself.

I met you and did I realize that I’m a book

I want to be the best man for you

It's probably naturally because you are my world itself

You are my beginning and the end itself

I wanna become part of your bookcase

I wanna interfere in your novel as your lover.

What would it be like if I really went to you?

If I went to you, would you be sad?

If I am not the one, what would I be?

In the end, would you leave me too?

The wind wind wind that grazes me

I hope that isn’t just this.

My feelings are blue blue blue

My entire head is filled with blue

How much much much

How much much much you…

You’re my person

You’re my wind

You’re my pride

You’re my love

You’re my love.

Jungkook, I want to share my ugly and my pretty with you, I want to let you see me whole .

Would you move in with me?

“You...You didn’t just imagine me acting off sync.” Namjoon breaks the suffocating silence as Jungkook’s widened eyes leave the sixteenth page of the notebook. It looks like the older’s expression has softened, even if sadly. “I thought you had read it all and just...didn’t know how to reject me.” He smiles but it's gloomy eyes avoiding the younger, as if he had assumed this was a fact.

A little bit of Jungkook’s heart breaks at that.

A life shared with Namjoon, Namjoon who trusts Jungkook the deepest parts of his being, that trusts in Jungkook’s ability to love, to treat him delicately around ugly insides, and grounding against a weak trembling frame.

Like he looks right now, eyes nervous and strained on Jungkook as his hands fondle with each other shoulders raising and falling shakily with quivering breaths. Jungkook doesn’t even have to think twice.

Both his hands reach for Namjoon’s shoulders, making sure his entire attention is on him. Namjoon's lowered head perks up startled. “Joonie… I’m sorry your plan didn’t work out the way you intended.” He smiles apologetically and he lets his hands slide down Namjoon’s arms and onto his fiddling hands. “But it's not like it matters.” His tone it's relaxed but it doesn’t seem to calm Namjoon, not even with the stroking of his thumbs over the older's hand.

There's a question rising up the older’s throat but Jungkook doesn’t let it. “It doesn’t matter because... I want to move in with you.” He sees all the tension leave Namjoon’s expression into pure surprise, endearing enough that it coaxes a giggle out of Jungkook, tugging his bigger hands closer to him, kissing him softly; surprised to find Namjoon kissing back with what he can only imagine is all the pent up emotion from this week.

He doesn’t question it for long, he can never think all that much when Namjoon is kissing him.

“Where are you going? We already have everything.” Jungkook questions his boyfriend as he starts to exit their apartment door; which is currently filled with boxes they just brought back from Jungkook’s former dorm.

“I just have one more thing to get from my car.” He kisses the top of Jungkook’s head and without any more explanation he leaves through the door. Leaving Jungkook by himself for the first time in this entire hectic day.

The apartment looks messy, or well, messier than usual; Namjoon always tried to be neat for his boyfriend’s sake, and succeeded a few times. Most times, Jungkook would find him covered in work and would offer to clean for him, claiming to be ‘trophy wife’ material. Its catastrophic now, covered in boxes, Jungkookisn’t a hoarder but Namjoon’s apartment is what one would politely call ‘cozy’. It's catastrophic, yet Jungkook can only feel his heart size up in excitement and giddiness; as if completely unaffected by the mess like he normally would.

It's just hard to focus on the mess, when every time he tries to he sees traces of himself in this apartment: in his box of old CDs that will go in a shared collection with Namjoon’s, or how his boyfriend indulged him by taking Jungkook’s energy crystals out of the moving box and into the spaces of the apartment here they belong (even when it's obvious he doesn’t believe in them for a second), or the way Namjoon got some of Jungkook’s photos printed out and framed so they can decide where to hang them sometime this week.

He’s only been living here for half a day, and Namjoon’s place is already his.

Well, to be fair, Namjoon has been his for a considerably longer amount of time. And that fact alone is enough to make Jungkook stand just the slightest bit taller than before.

Yes he is proud, sue him.

“Back.” Namjoon announces softly shutting the door, and taking out his snow soaked boots, with a hand suspiciously behind his back.

In a wave of confidence Jungkook can’t help the flirty smile as he walks over to his boyfriend. “Yes, back.” A hand settles over the short hairs of Namjoon’s nape, caressing softly. “What’s behind it?” He tilts his head to the side with a smile that tries to be seductive but only manages to be bright.

“Can’t get anything past you, can I?” Namjoon’s face splits into a grin staring down slightly to Jungkook; he isn’t that short! It's just… they’re so close.

“No you can not. I own this place and I’ll establish a customs directorate right at the doorstep.” His grin is wide, cocky almost with its jokes; hands still mindlessly playing with Namjoon’s hair with arms hooked over his shoulders.

“You own the place? Does that mean you’ll pay your share of the bill?” A raised eyebrow is all Jungkook needs for his facade to collapse.

“Nooo, I think you misheard me. I just said this is my boyfriend’s place? My super generous, compassionate and broken college student boyfriend, he is great.” If hsi tone sounds desperate he doesn't care, it makes Namjoon chuckle, and that's all that matters. “No customs. But please show me? Please?” Maybe he is whining, laying limp against Namjoon’s firm torso while he whines like a child.

But you can’t criticize him for it, when it works.

“You are impossible to resist, you know it's not fair.” He says rolling his eyes and shoving Jungkook off of him, with the hand that he has available. Once they're at a comfortable distance he reveals.

A potted Camellia.

“I bet that mean poet had you pretty bummed about not having one of these.” His tone is joking but soft, adoring as a pink tone spreads over his cheeks.

Jungkook’s cheeks hurt from smiling as he nears Namjoon again, the potted plant being the only thing separating them. “He did.” He meets Namjoon’s hands helping hold the weight of the plant. Today, his hands are cold instead of Jungkook’s. “I’ll have to make him pay me somehow.”

“I’m sure he’ll find some way.” Namjoon mumbles but leaning over close enough that Jungkook understands. Placing a soft peck to his lips.

Moma Muji, passport size, 4.92 x 3.36 inches, persian green cover, 24 pages, ruled, only 16 used, poems 1-5 non-romantic themes (confirmed by author: Jungkook’s boyfriend), now sitting on a bedside table on Jungkook’s side of the bed, with a cut Camellia on a whiskey glass with water next to it. Both manifestations of how Namjoon is just as stupid and corny and in love as he is.

#namkook #kim namjoon #jeon jungkook #fluff #established relationship #poetry fic #happy ending #misunderstandings

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yououghtaknow · 4 years ago

Text

skam brighton season 5 music analysis

hello :) i’ve gone through all the songs on previous seasons of skam brighton and explained why i used them and i thought i would do it for season 5 now that it’s over.

tw for disucssion of addiction, racism, pedophilia, transphobia and homophobia

trailer

we begin with a bang with “don’t blame me” by taylor swift. now it has been said about me that i am a swiftie and it is true. and nick braxton is a reputation era bitch. this song has quite literally it all for nick’s character - we got christian themes, reference to drug addiction and an unhealthy devotion to someone. this trailer has gone through many songs to find the perfect one, but i decided on this one because of the themes, and also because of the line “they say she’s gone too far this time” - which, in regards to nick, can be read in many ways. we got the nick going “too far” with his love for james in subtly trying to break liz and james up, nick and their drug addiction, and nick and their relationship with their gender identity - going too far in both the masculine and feminine directions. also it bangs your honour.

episode one

we!! begin!! with!! saturday night’s alright for fighting by sir elton john!!! because it is saturday night and, as we’vee seen, nick isn’t afraid to get into a fight or two. this song specifically was chosen because of the movie rocketman, which i drew a lot of inspiration from, with the themes of drug addiction and sexuality. also, once again, it simply slaps.

we then get “ymca” by the village people playing in the background over the rest of the party scene. i chose this song because it is a very stereotypically gay song, and a lot of what i wanted nick to deal with was self-perception in regards to stereotypes. he is very stereotypically flamboyant because it’s both the way he is and a defensive mechanism - leading to his bisexuality being erased and being seen as gay a lot of the time. he ‘s pretty much the opposite in regards to his asian identity, with him not being academically intelligent and outspoken and being very british in their speaking patterns. it’s about the balance and duality and all that stuff.

then, as we are formally introduced to nick’s devotion to james, we get “where dreams go to die” by john grant. thank you to my friend katya for recommeding this song as a nick song because it is just. crazy. every line makes me want to scream. especially “this is like a well-oiled machine / could i please see that smile again? / it's all that makes me feel like i am living in this world”. like that just shows the extent of nick’s love - because sometimes you’re just in love with the idea of being saved rather than seeking help. is that poetic or am i just pretentiously talking about my trauma? who knows.

we then get “overprotected” by britney spears - because britney has been a nick staple the whole series. i first heard the song in the musical & juliet and i was immediately like “oh nick core”. the song opens with: “ i need time (time) / love (love), joy (joy) / i need space (love) / i need me (action!) / say hello to the girl that i am / you're gonna have to see through my perspective”. because we are literally seeing from nick’s perspective. i also wanted to introduce the gender dynamics early - including in the trailer, where nick refers to themself with she/her pronouns - and her nick is referred to in the text of the song as a girl. it’s also a very sad song about not having any control over your life with a fun pop backing track, which is very nick braxton.

we then get another party scene, that opens with “break up with your girlfriend, i’m bored” (by ariana grande) covered by sam fender. i chose this song because 1) i love the cover and 2) god is it a nick song. literally nick has so many wants (to be loved by their family, to get sober, to succeed in school, to explore their gender freely) but he focuses on wanting james and wanting james to leave liz because there are less achievable and thus safer. also the song fucking slaps.

we close with “happy little pill” by troye sivan, a mlm classic. a staple of 2014. i chose this song because 1) drug in title, easy get, and 2) it’s actually a really good song???? it’s about the dissociation. it’s very similar to the scene with bree in season 4 episode 1 where “chandelier” plays as she’s clearly not doing well but she’s pretending for the sake of her friends. nick and bree are narrative foils and i love them.

episode two

the first song of episode 2 is “be great” by lolandre and jeremy pope after we see nick and his dad’s dynamic for the first time. and it’s really something huh. it’s about how christian does want nick to be great, but christian has a very narrow idea of what success and happiness looks like.

the next bit of media we get in this episode is nick watching the first episode of euphoria. when preparing to write various seasons of skam brighton, i watched a lot of teen dramas to get a good feel for the vibe i was going for. euphoria was one of them and it’s a show i have a lot of mixed feelings for - i think it’s very well crafted and extremely interesting but i also do have issues with the sexualisation of teenagers on screen, even if it is mostly realistic. i chose this scene specifically because nick and rue are very similar characters, in regards to their relationships with their parents (i believe nick is more of a jules kinnie but more on that later). they both just want to be a good kid and make them happy, but they can never seem to do it. gia, rue’s younger sister, is also a parallel to nick’s brothers.

we then get “old eden” by honeywater which is just simply a song i like very much that had the vibes of the scene. also the lines “i want love / but i don't just want love, i want you / i see the beach house, your sweet mouth / but the terrible news / is that love is not how it seems on the screen / yeah, real love has problems / but it's what's in-between that's the best” is simply just nick braxton huh. ambiguous disorder.

we then get “generation why” by conan gray as nick storms out of their house after a fight with their parents. i chose it very simply for the vibes because i only listened to this song once and thought “i do not wish to listen to this in my free time but it is a nick braxton time”. it’s just the angsty indie pop main character walking down the street vibes.

we!!! end!!! with!!! a song i love very much - “sex drive” by austin mckenzie of dwsa fame. this song plays over nick getting “rejected” by james and resorting to grindr to feed their want for human affection - which is where the parallels to ms jules euphoria come from. i chose this song specifically because it begins with the lines “who’s driving?” on repeat, which calls into question who is in control in the scenario. as seen on screen, nick is the one who initiates the “date” but, at the end of the day, nick is an underage teenager and the person he’s on a date with is an adult man. also the song is simply a fun bisexual time.

episode three

we open with “hurricane drunk” by florence and the machine, a song that has been decidedly nick core since 2018. like “i’m in the grip of a hurricane / i’m going to blow myself away”...... nick braxton you crazy little person

“yours” by greyson chance plays over nick and james driving out to the woods to skip school together….. it is quite insane. “no matter who i'm with, it's you that i adore / if you're not sure / baby, i'm yours” like i scream and shout nick braxton has always been in love with the concept of james cohen

“myrtle ave.” by mxmtoon plays as nick is feeling isolated from his friends…. like they just vibe with the song and the lyrics so hard. nick is just. i have no words other than i love them.

we close with “st jimmy” by green day because. goddammit isn’t he. like james just comes out as bisexual (just like st jimmy in american idiot the broadway musical) and nick is like “you are like a saint to me, i worship you, i will do anything for you”. like it’s a song about drug addiction but it’s also about being bisexual but it’s also about the performance of masculinity and the performance of being a “rebel” that james and nick both do i love them so much.

episode four

we begin with “lucy in the sky with diamonds” by the beatles. i do not listen to the beatles but i think the song is about drugs and the beatles is a james cohen band in canon so it has the connotations babey.

we then get “seventeen” by troye sivan as nick goes on grindr to seek out adult men. it’s genuinely such a nick song - once again, the fun poppy music in the background and the deeply upsetting lyrics. also, as in season 4, i chose this song to emphasise the fact that nick is seventeen and a minor and should not be doing these activities.

we then get “dancing on my own” by robyn as we’re at the vaguely halloween-esque party. it’s once again about the boppy music and sad lyrics and like. nick voice i’m in the corner watching you kiss her ohhhhhh i’m right over here why can’t you see me ohhhhhhh i’m giving it my all but i’m not the guy you’re taking home ooooh i keep dancing on my own. like he’s fucking insane (he is both me and nick)

and then!!!! we get a scene very personal to me. nick watching rocky horror for the first time at a shadowcast showing and watching “the time warp”. i first saw rocky horror when i was about 10/11 because i saw it on glee and wanted to watch the real movie and it made me so so transgender and homosexual. it is such a non-binary little movie and the time warp is just an absolute bop.

it’s followed by a brief showing of “sweet transvestite” because tim curry in that movie is such an experience for anyone involved. like oh to be gender questioning nick braxton and to see that. what a fucking experience. and also to be gender questioning 11 year old me and to see that and then find out my school is doing a kidz bop version of rocky horror. fucking insane transgender times.

we close with “cecily smith” by will connolly as milo and nick walk home together because. it is just such a sweet song. like life is not the things that we do it’s who we’re doing them with. and it is a very nickmilo song and i am the president of nickmilo nation. i love a non-binary romance i do i do i do.

episode five

we open with “halloween” by phoebe bridgers because it is literally halloween. insane. but it is also such a nick braxton song like come on man we can be anything…… nick braxton voice i’ll be whatever you want…… it’s about the people pleasing and the desire to be wanted and needed loved and goodness gracious. also nick braxton fig faeth kinnie for this song specifically.

and then!!!!! we get nick dramatically singing “girl crush” by the harry styles version in his bathroom mirror. because goddammit they do have a girl crush. it’s about the gender and the desire to both be with james and to be liz becausenick is non-binary babey……..

and then!!!!! in such a parallel!!!!! we get milo singing “inner white girl” from a strange loop on their instagram live. “a strange loop” was a big inspiration for this season, with very similar themes fo it (you should listen to it right now) and this song….. quite genuinely we have nick singing a song about wanting to be a white girl and then they hear this song….. like nick does cling to his inner white girl as a way of staying safe - they cling to the safe idea of mlm flamboyancy and humour to hide from their genuine emotions and gender……. like it is insane to me. also white girls can do anything can’t they!!!!!!!

we then get “the people who raised me” by gregory and the hawks after nick has a fight with their parents…. “but i won't mind no time spent to save me / just trying to be good to the people who raised me” literally nick is trying his best to be good but he can’t be and that makes him angry!!!!!! but that anger is born out of a deep, deep sadness that nick has no emotional language to express, but anger is a language he can speak and it is. insane. like it’s about masculinity, it’s about femininity, it’s about everything. fuck.

we then get "search your heart" by george feeny as nick sadly vibes at school…. also this scene does parallel with the liz/mary scene in season 2 where their parents fight. like liz is shitty to her friends but stays for her sister and nick is great to his friends but leaves his brothers behind….. the range.

and then!!!! we get phoebe bridgers’ cover of “friday i’m in love” because it is friday and nick is in love huh.

and then!!!!!!!!!! a moment i have been building up to!!!!! we get “back to black” by ms amy winehouse after nick finds out james has a crush on alistair thee fletcher. and just like. god. this song has everything for nick. it’s a song about depression, addiction, leaving your lover, anger, bitterness, second choice ness….. and also he is literally going back to black with his hair colour!!!!! because he thinks being more masculine is what will make people love him and he views pink hair as un-masculine!!!!! and he’s also going back to his family, so he’s going back to trying to hide himself to fit into their expectations….. like god it is an insane little time.

episode six

we open with “idk if i’m a boy” by blue foster - a song i got on my discover weekly and it was a deeply personal attack. like nick voice i don’t know if i’m a reject i don’t know if i’m a loser but i know that i’ve been feeling feminine since i’ve been teething…. and how the song uses humour as a way to cope with gender dysphoria like it’s nick bay bee.

we then get “green light” by lorde because god it is such a james/nick song i feel insane. like “did it frighten you / how we kissed when we danced on the light up floor?” because james and nick have canonically kissed many times before….. also lorde as an artist just has such intense nick vibes it’s so much fun

we then get "fluorescent adolescent" by arctic monkeys over a party scene because i’ve been told on the internet that it is a british teen party classic. unfortunately the rowdiest party i’ve ever been to is my cousin’s christening so i do not know if it is factual, but it does slap.

we then get vérité’s cover of somebody else by the 1975 because i just simply prefer this version. but like. oh nick braxton. oh it’s about the rori and the james and the nick being afraid of being open and committing to someone but still wanting to feel the sense of being wanted by someone and being the sole person they want….. literally it is very crazy.

and then we end with “sugar we’re going down” by fall out boy!!!!! like it it such a good song nick voice am i more than you bargained for yet!!! i’ve been dying to tell you everything you’ve ever wanted to hear!!!! because that’s just who i am this week!!!!! like it fits so well with his character but also it is so funny that sugar we’re going down plays as they faint at the party……. i am a comedian sometimes.

episode seven

the first song we get in this ep is “demi moore” by phoebe bridgers as nick is detoxing in the hospital. like quite genuinely “i don’t wanna be stoned anymore!!!!!!!!” they don’t want to be alone anymore!!!!!!!!!

then we get “bite the hand” by boygenius. just. like. “i can’t love you the way you want me to” is just. such a statement for nick’s season. like he can’t love james the way james wants to be loved by nick, they can’t love their parents, their parents can’t love them…… it’s all about learning how to love in a way that is felt by all parties involved in the relationship be it romantic, platonic, familial or otherwise. like. it’s so insane it’s all about love

and then we get “relay” by fiona apple - which was a contender for the trailer song at some point. like nick @ alistair is very “i resent you for being raised right etc.” because he knows liz is fucked up and has flaws, he’s seen them, but alistair is easy to project all of his hatred onto. also just like evil is a relay sport thank you ms apple.

we then get “girls just wanna have fun” by cyndi lauper and “dancing queen” and “mamma mia” by abba sung at the lgbt youth club karaoke night because. i mean of course they are. also they are very fun gender songs and i enjoy them :)

and then. my friends. the moment you’ve been waiting for. nick braxton singing alanis morrissette’s “you oughta know”. now this is gonna be a long one.

the you oughta know analysis

first things first, i got the jagged little pill broadway behind the scenes book for christmas and there’s a whole chapter about you oughta know being a song about the queer struggle of being unseen and unheard and i feel so validated like that is exactly what the song is about.

but for nick. oh baby. it is them singing to james, to rori, to al, to liz, to bree, to his parents, to his teachers, to everyone who perceives them wrong. it’s their moment of standing up and saying i am angry and i am serious about this and i deserve to be listened to as a young person. i will now give an in depth analysis of every line i want to.

“the perfect version of me” - bree and nick have had so many parallels throughout the series, which bree can be described as a “better” version of nick. they’re in therapy, she’s taking care of herself, they’re bisexual and it’s accepted by everyone, she’s a good partner to rori, she has parents who love her, and she can be gender non-conforming in a safe way. but this line also applies to al - because nick and al have also been compared this season, with al talking about how he’s comfortable with his femininity and james liking al, who, despite claiming to be more feminine, is still more traditionally masculine than nick. al, bree and liz are all very academically smart. they are all very creatively gifted. liz doesn’t struggle for money. nick, in their mind, compared to all of these people, is a failure.

“so she speaks eloquently / and she could have your baby / i'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother” - this applied to both liz and bree, who both try to be seen as very eloquent speakers, and who are both afab, so therefore can have james’s baby - something nick wouldn’t be able to do. but we have seen in liz and bree’s seasons that they both have sexual trauma, and bree especially is uncomfortable with having children. it’s nick having this idea of womanhood and femininity being something so unattainable and required for james - that it kind of segways into al. because al is also assigned female at birth and could, as he is pre-t, hypothetically have a child, which is playing into some transphobic notions, but nick sees al as both more feminine and more masculine than him - making al just perfect for james.

“and every time you speak his name / does he know why you told me / you'd be there until you died / 'til you died, but you're still alive” - nick changes to he pronouns here, now directly talking about al. we’ve seen james flirting with nick and we know they’ve kissed in the past, and james and nick are incredibly close friends. but james still, in nick’s mind at this point, chose al over him.

“it was a slap in the face / how quickly i was replaced / and are you thinking of me when she fucks you?” - the conversation about how all the skam brighton characters relate to the line between sex and love is so interesting to me. it is also the reason i do not allow my parents to read this show. but anyways - nick does feel so genuinely replaced by everyone in his life, like there’s always a newer, better version waiting just around the corner. what nick doesn’t know is that that is how everyone else around him feels as well. and the line “are you thinking of me when she fucks you” is such a pointed line because it’s not a line of confidence or a joke. nick knows that no one thinks about them like that because they feel repulsive but try to play it off as a joke.

then we get the “i” section, which is, in the script, more “ayes” and “nahs”, but i wanted to change it to be the word “i” specifically because so much of the season is nick existing for other people. for their parents, for their friends, for their clients, for james. in this moment, they are choosing themself. they are standing up and saying “what i feel is important and i fucking matter”

“'cause the joke that you laid in the bed, that was me / and i'm not gonna fade as soon as you close your eyes / and you know it” - because nick’s sexuality and nick as a romantic partner is treated as such a joke throughout the show’s run, and james has been trying to turn every time he kissed nick into a joke that will go away, but it’s not going to go away because nick remembers it. even if james tries to deny his sexuality to nick’s face, nick is always going to remember that james was, at some point, attracted to men enough to kiss him.

“and every time i scratch my nails / down someone else's back, i hope you feel it / well, can you feel it?” - every time nick has sought out sex with strangers it’s because they feel rejected and insecure in themself. they seek out this sexual validation as a way to feed their want to be loved and noticed by people and he wants james and rori to feel hurt by it - he wants to have the power, he wants to have the control.

“and i’m here” - this line is just. so powerful to me. because it’s a line of defeat - after all this time, nick’s ended up at some crappy youth group with his little brother babysitting him, and he’s been dumped and cheated on and overdosed and everything is so awful. but then it becomes a line of celebration. of “yeah, all that shit happened to me, but i’m still here, i’m still standing, and no one can take away the fact that i am here and i am alive and i deserve to be respected” - something milo taught them when they talked about their tattoo

“to remind you of the mess you left when you went away” - nick himself is the mess they all left - because they feel so abandoned and alone and like they are just a mess to be discarded, but he’s here to remind everyone that he’s here. it’s a call for help.

“it's not fair, to deny me / of the cross i bear that you gave to me” - this line i always saw as directed at his parents - they gave him this cross of being the perfect eldest sibling that ended up crushing him, and they deny that it ever happened. but nick knows it did. the same way he knows james like guys. the same way he knows rori didn’t like only him. the same way he’s been denying himself of the cross he bears of being non-binary, the cross of being an addict, the cross of being a mentally ill neurodivergent person. this song is him finally letting go of that denial.

“you oughta know” - he’s talking to everyone with that line. everyone should know about his pain, about his emotions, about what he’s gone through, because he’s kept it so bottled up for years. it’s not fair for him not to share it because he deserve to.

they don’t call me isaac tumblr user yououghtaknowmp3 for nothing.

episode eight

we open with “seven” by taylor swift as nick reads a letter they wrote to their younger self. like. “i used to scream ferociously any time i wanted” is such a line about being neurodivergent as a child and then being forced to mask as you grow up….. also the bridge is just james and nick core…. you should come live with me and we could be pirates…..

we then get “nonbinary” by arca because i feel like at this point nick would be trying to listen to more nonbinary artists because they want to see themself reflected rather than running from it!!!!

we then get “heather” by conan gray as nick and liz accidentally meet at the local mentally ill teen zone. because i am just fucking crazy like that. and yes, i chose that song before it got big on tiktok. but i think it’s funnier because it is a famous song.

we then get “falling” by harry styles as nick is being emo in their bedroom because nick is just the type of person who will dramatically listen to harry styles in their bedroom whilst being sad. it also completes the full circle of sad taylor swift to sad harry styles, but with no vehicular manslaughter.

we then get “400 lux” by lorde after james and nick have their big conversation because like it is just a them song. like you buy me orange juice. it’s also about the james/nick having a gansey/ronan dynamic in the way that nick is devotedly in love with him and james is just being homoerotic for the jokes. but not most other ways. honestly i haven’t thought about the skam brighton versions of these characters in trc….. many thoughts head full

episode nine

we open with “pink rabbits” by the national as nick redyes their hair back to pink. and i’ll be honest. i only chose this song because it has pink in the title. but it does still vibe with nick though.

we then get “be your own 3am” by adult mom as nick is dealing with some bad cravings. it’s just a very pretty song for listening to alone at night in your bed in that weird space between sleep and awake. i love it.

we then get “i am not a robot” by marina as nick walks down the street because nick is a marina bitch!!!!!!! and “you've been acting awful tough lately / smoking a lot of cigarettes lately / but inside, you're just a little baby / it's okay to say you've got a weak spot” is such a nick @ james line it makes me insane

also rich’s entire character and backstory is directly lifted from skins gen 3 because i am niche and make content just for me

we then end with “rager teenager!” by troye sivan because i have listened to that song exactly once, decided it had nick vibes, and just stuck it in an episode somewhere.

episode ten

we open with “strange torpedo” by lucy dacus because it is just. such a nick song. it is insane. i am insane. like it is about nick wanting someone but not being sure who or what it is because he just wants to be loved and discovers that sometimes being liked is better than being loved…….

we then get “used to you” by mxmtoon and like….. “tell me what i can say / and i can say it / tell me what i can do / and i can do my best / tell me who i should be / and i can change it” is such a nick early s5 lyric…… and how the song is kind of a love song but the line “now i’m just kind of used to you” is very nick about his feelings towards james

we then get “gay street fighter” by keiynan lonsdale as milo gets their sexy slow mo that all of the love interests get at some point. they deserve it.

and then “to be alone with you” by sufjan stevens plays as milo and nick have their first kiss in the pool because i always wanted to include that scene and thought “hey here is good”. and like. they are alone with each other a lot and they like spending time with each other….. they are friends, they are teens, they are falling in love a little <3

we then get “creep” by lena hall as nick has a little gender moment at school. lena hall played yitzhak in the broadway revival of hedwig and the angry inch and she just has so much gender. creep has always been a nick song and this cover just…. it’s them.

we then get some ambient guitar music during the nick/rori scene and i chose some songs from “your city gave me asthma” by wilbur soot because it is a fucking great album and nick is canonically a mcyt stan so i simply had to. we end with “your new boyfriend”, which is a funnier, happier wilbur soot song and it is simply a fun time.

episode eleven

we open with “gender is boring” by she/her/hers which is just an absolute banger. like “gender never really meant that much to me / til' people started telling me how it was supposed to be” is such a great line and it is very nick braxton because. like. it’s just gender babey everything is about gender except for gender which is about having fun.

“dorothea” by taylor swift plays as james and nick have their final big scene together and like. it is such a homoerotic and fun song i love it so much thank you taylor friend of the show swift. “and if you're ever tired of being known / for who you know / you know, you'll always know me” is just……. god.

we then get “i do (end credits)” by kevin abstract as we open on the final scene of the season because a) it has end credits in the title and b) it is just another song i think nick would enjoy listening to.

we then get “they/them/theirs” by worriers as we get another little party montage because it’s a vibe time and like. i do love a they/them pronoun moment. it’s a very good and fun pronoun to use.

and finally we get “prelude” from next to normal as al comes in late to the party and awkwardly stands at the back. i chose this song because. well. you’ll see :)

thank you for reading my analysis that no one asked for, i just love having fun and talking about my silly little show :)

#skam brighton #skam brighton spoilers #isaac speaks #who wants my two page long essay on you oughta know but specifically for MY nonbinary comic relief character with christian trauma #i am fucking crazy BUT i am free :)

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nepheloma · 4 years ago

Text

inspired by this post that i reblogged yesterday, i really wanted to share a few of the thoughts i've been having recently regarding intelligence.

tl:dr;

intelligence is only judged by performance, which ignores how this performance is immediately dependent on socioeconomic status.

meritocracy as well as the concept of "geniuses" is a scam that perpetuates the status quo.

nobody should have to perform in a certain way in order for their life to have value.

to start with a disclaimer, i'm speaking only from experience -i'm not a psychologist, i'm not an expert on human behaviour. just a person who's been in the educational system for a long time, and who is mostly planning to stay inside of it.

i have always been a very good student, someone who would get extremely high grades and exceed most expectations around me. this labelled me as intelligent. and yes, i do believe that i'm a book smart person. at this point, in the past, i would have said something along the lines of "every person has a different kind of intelligence, it's not just being book smart that matters". but that mentality is bs: let me explain why.

in this system that we live in, quantifying intelligence, of any sort, has to do with performance. subconsciously, when we tell someone that, for example, their intelligence might have to do with art, we expect this to be judged by their artistic performance. if someone doesn't have something to show for their brains, we only tell them that they must have the potential to show something, and that they should work harder. while self-improvement is always a good thing -by all means, we should strive to be who we want to be- it shouldn't be considered necessary.

here's where intelligence goes wrong. first of all, living our lives performatively is the worst way to live them. it makes them devoid of any meaning, hanging on to other's opinions. and being intelligent is definitely judged by others, first and foremost. but most importantly, in order to perform adequately -be a good artist, a well-published scientist, an innovative engineer- is immediately dependent on socioeconomic status. I personally have been lucky enough to be born in a family that cared about me and was also able to financially support my education. I'm also high functioning -even at the times of my life when I was mentally unwell.

It's extremely sad how many people don't have that, but what's even sadder is that our society deems them responsible for this. one goes to university, and professors -who, most of them, as it has been shown, come mostly from academic backgrounds already- degrade them for having gaps in their knowledge, which couldn't possibly be filled if one has only been exposed to the public school system. people with access to capital start their own companies and buy their own houses at their early 20s and then call people who can't do that lazy. All these people perpetuate a myth of meritocracy to justify why they should have the wealth that they didn't earn themselves, and that most of the time is earned on the backs of other, less fortunate people, just like kings used to claim they were of godly ancestry to justify why they deserve to rule.

the concept of genius is another hoax that perpetuates the very same status quo. most people who get their info from the news will have been conditioned to think of current billionaires like elon musk, jeff bezos and bill gates as geniuses. they've learnt, since their first school years, that geniuses are almost like magicians, extremely smart people who were powerful enough to do amazing things. they're told that Albert Einstein discovered his theories of relativity because he was a genius, that Newton was divinely inspired to discover his theory of gravitation when an apple fell on his head, that all those people who made history had access to mental powers we, laypeople, don't -so, one is conditioned to regard current powerful people as something akin to a god. Of course, the scientists I mentioned didn't compile their theories due to divine intervention, but due to years of hard work, which they were financially able to spend devoted to research and education instead of, say, an everyday kind of job, and the work of previous scientists, their students etc etc. Every discovery with one name plugged on it has countless people behind it. But this is what people like Elon Musk capitalize on: nobody remembers the workers, only the celebrity -that's why his cars and rockets are considered to be "his", even though he has probably devoted nothing but money to them.

But if the layperson believes that their "kings" are geniuses, naturally more intelligent than themselves, they are conditioned to accept this power on them as natural, as a law of the jungle, even though it's a literal scam. We're putting side to side people with immensely different lives, ignoring every factor that contributes to their position at the moment and judge only on performance. We dare call this meritocracy and we dare call this "giving everyone what their work deserves". Because yes, judging on intelligence is inherently tied to work. It's inherently tied to how well you do on tasks, how efficient your skills are. It's also why intelligence is tied to very specific kinds of jobs -being in STEM implies mathematical and scientific intelligence, a "left brain" kind of person, one who can be used for technological and financial advancement. Artists who comply with the demands of the art market, a highly corrupted space serving as a a tax evasion and money laundering haven for rich people, are the ones praised and revered. The latest trend is self-made businessmen who are deemed to be geniuses for starting their own company, regardless of how they found the capital for it, or how much they actually serve their communities -but we are pushed to have them as our idols, to want to be like them, even though our finances would never allow this -our failure is turnt into our responsibility, a personal failure, not a difference in fortunes. These concepts are conditioning us to be ideal workers, striving to get more "intelligent" all the time, feeling inadequate in front of the myth some people have created to justify their power.

No, we all matter inherently. We are born and we deserve to live. This life is all we've got -how can others possibly decide if we deserve happiness, love and survival depending on how pleasing to their interests our performance is? We're living in a world where we need to prove ourselves all the time and where people are becoming products to be bought and consumed (which is amplified by social media). That's just not true. We don't need to prove anything. We hate mary sues in media because they're not real, but we've been made to believe that we need to be one in order to be adequate. I'm sure that you have people who love you just for who you are. And that's all you need to be. You are not your performance. Being alive is all you need to be.

This was a chaotic bunch of thoughts that I definitely didn't structure well, but I've been thinking of this for a long time and of how judging myself by my performance has affected me. I have always been on a rollercoaster of self worth depending on how my grades compared to my peers, because I thought this somehow would define my worth as a person, even if I didn't want to admit it. But I've spent now 7 months out of education -basically doing nothing- and I've realised that when you strip a person out of the numbers they define themselves by, there's still so much to see, so much that's important. And I refuse to live my life hanging on the external, of arbitrary judgement systems created by those with their own self-interest in mind. All I can hope for is better part of the world of education and research than my own professors were.

Thanks to anyone who read all of that.

#φ #intelligence

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katherinewilliams221b · 5 years ago

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I'm going to shoot some soldifying Qs at you as well, t'was my main intention to lure you on for a reblog at least 😂 Please choose anyone you feel like, Kate or Charlie or both...1 (bc K's father gives me some kinda vibes), 4 (bc BOTH grandpas are so different, and also her parents...), 5&6 (your Charlie??), 24 (!), 32 and 35. And 41 to cap it off. I'd ask every single one of them, so sorry abt it 🙏

Aaaaaaaa okay, okay, here it is! I've been out of business for a while, taking exams and such. Uni takes all my strength away. Thank you for asking💜💜💜😍 and OF COURSE I'm going to make you participate in every ask possible 😌🤷‍♀️😍

---

1. How does your character think of their father? What do they hate and love about him? What influence - literal or imagined - did the father have?

Joseph Williams is an interesting piece; he is the youngest son of Nicholas and Aurora Williams (for another conversation). He has two siblings: Evira (stop calling her Elvira or else), the oldest, and Erick, in the middle. He was raised in a typical purist family and it’s a miracle that he didn’t turn out like his father and grandfather.

The loss of Jacob shook him to the core, but his stoic demeanour never showed it. This is something that Kate demands of him, that he could show a little more emotion or at least share his opinions. The man just talks with facts.

Another thing that truly exasperates Kate is the fact that, seemingly, he doesn’t stand up to his father. What she doesn’t know, but will learn later in her life, is that her father is the only one of the three siblings that broke a lot, if not every, rule his father had. One of them: marrying a girl with mixed blood. Nicholas is a man with a plan, probably having a member of his blood in every important position that could exist. Kate’s father probably wouldn’t have chosen a Ministry career, but at the time, he thought he didn’t have much of a choice when he found out that his father arranged it all. He insisted in dragging Jacob and Kate along, both refusing fervently and, when his father started arranging their lives, he finally put an end to the situation. This made him somewhat of an outcast, no one messes with Nicholas Williams. He is a truly terrifying man. Although aware of her grandfather’s severity, Kate didn’t know he had made plans for her and that her father was opposed to the idea.

He is hard-working, tenacious and has a way with words that help him in his job (He works at Dpt. International Magical cooperation) and that Kate also admires. She knows that you must be very careful if you talk to him, for he could be manipulative if that makes him accomplish a purpose.

Probably the most interesting thing that Kate could have learnt from him is crisis management (see #35 for more info). She does not agree with his “the end justifies the means” policy that was the cause of many arguments, but she tries to be more pragmatic and keep a cool head when a new problem arises.

4. What type of discipline was your character subjected to at home? Strict? Lenient?

5. Were they overprotected as a child? Sheltered?

6. Did they feel rejection or affection as a child?

(I felt like these were together)

Kate was homeschooled before Hogwarts. Numerous tutors with the best qualifications were selected to prepare Jacob and Kate for school.

Jacob described the process as 'unnecessarily tough and strict', not very keen to rules, Jacob used to skip classes and wander around the grounds of the house.

Both siblings were extraordinarily brilliant and it was reflected in their studies, nevertheless, little Katie showed interest in learning new things, unlike her brother. Their schooling never included anything that had to do with learning magic. They were instructed in basic math, english, french (Kate doesn't remember much of it), music, biology and introduction to what muggles would call botanics. Kate was supposed to learn piano, but they had trouble finding a good teacher that was willing to go to the house. It is a bit scary.

There were strict rules that Kate had to follow; her grandparents respective studios were forbidden as well as the kitchen and the guest area and Kate never dared to go to the basement. Her room was situated on the far end of the house and although it had a decent size it lacked personality, it was just decorated with dark colours that suited the house but not her.

The remain space for living was the grounds of the place, big enough to explore at leisure and maybe find a hidden spot to spend the afternoon. Usually the siblings were allowed to disappear for hours without a word if that meant that they didn't annoy the family or the guests.

Kate remembers her only contact with magic before Hogwarts days, happening two times a week, when she was brought to Diagon Alley to play.

Kate remembers a lonely but happy childhood. Her parents lived in the house as well, petition of her father, that wanted to protect her half blood wife, Natalia. He used all the family name power to shelter her and her parents (Natalia's mother was a muggle and at the time, Voldemort killed and tortured muggles, probably half bloods and as well as blood traitors). The name of the family was never questioned because of all the influence they had in the Ministry, but the chances of a visit to her grandparents were limited and very controlled.

She does not blame her parents for being away all the time, or her grandparents for ignoring her. She was happy just learning, playing and exploring.

24. What social groups and activities does your character attend? What role do they like to play? What role do they actually play, usually?

-At Hogwarts, Kate participated in the Hogwarts gobstones club and she was very much like her grandfather Bernard when he plays chess. She rarely lost a game and she was known for her lack of compassion when playing. She quit after Hogwarts and its unusual to see her play.

- At the same time, she was a member of the Duelling Club, where she excelled. Flitwick said to Harry Potter that she could be the best duellist of the century. The club dissolved to be re-founded again several years later, but she managed to be one of the leaders for a year. A picture of her hangs in the duelling room.

- Later in her life, she takes French and Spanish classes, the last accompanied by her mother. She is not very fluid with languages but after a while, she starts to enjoy the bonding moments with her mother.

- As a mediwizard, she attends multiple conferences and symposiums, she usually goes as a guest. Later she would participate more actively, giving talks about the importance of international techniques around the world, promoting communication, sharing perspectives and open-minded politics.

Regarding medicine, she founds a small association of healers in St Mungo’s, that teaches basic healing magic and procedures when facing an emergency situation to children, teenagers and also adults.

Kate claims she is not a leader, probably out of modesty or lack of confidence. However, she likes to take the initiative in her projects and she eventually learns how to make herself respected. She finds that, after all, she likes taking the lead.

-Kate and Charlie made an effort to go to dancing classes, to spend some quality time together. Being both very private creatures, they hated it. Not wanting to hurt each other’s feelings they didn’t mention anything about it and kept going to class. After a year they became very elegant, not only in their dancing, but in their stance as well. Needless to say, they are the focus of all stares in whichever event they attend to.

After some years, they would reveal and laugh about how they despised those classes, and how they prefered to dance alone at home. They do not regret it.

32. How does your character react to stress situations? Defensively? Aggressively? Evasively?

Kate is a well balanced combination of all three.

If one thinks about stress because of work or studies, she doesn’t fear hard work she is very assertive with her goals.

While working for the Order, she was forced to face whoever wanted to hurt her, ad although she prefers the ‘run’ option, she knows how to stand and fight if necessary. While duelling, she prefers defense spells, which give her time to know her opponent and think of a strategy according to them.

Arguing with her can be difficult and oftentimes it ends in both parts hurt. She matures considerably in that aspect and learns that some things, even if they are true, are better left unsaid.

35. Do they always rationalize errors? How do they accept disasters and failures?

Kate’s father had a lot to do with her discipline in front of failure. He feared that her grandfather’s hard education would make Kate afraid of taking the wrong direction or ever scared of making decisions Through the years he taught her how to face mistakes, work around them and accept that one can’t change the past. Easier said than done, she is only human, and from time to time she needs reassurance that she is doing the right thing. She knows that she can count on her friends to help her fix any errors and give her support when needed.

This chances the day she loses a patient for the first time, and she has to reorganize her thoughts. It was a very philosophical and exhausting day.

41. Is your character aware of who they are? Strengths? Weaknesses? Idiosyncrasies? Capable of self-irony?

She knows perfectly who she is, thanks to long talks with Charlie about everything. She is not afraid to change an opinion if she realizes she is wrong. Kate’s way of living is an state of evolutiotion; she is not only hungry for academic knowledge, she likes to discover herself and others everyday. Talking with Charlie is somewhat therapeutic and she values how he is patient enough with her to participate in those deep conversations she loves to get lost into.

She is not scared to be herself because she knows that to be loved for who you are is more precious than pretending to be someone smarter, fancier or cooler.

Bill, Tonks and Charlie like to pick on her, of course without malice, because they enjoy the friendly banter that always follows.

#i think i could refine my answers a littke bit #but this is what i have for the moment #hphm #worldbuilding #mc #charlie weasley x mc

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coldalbion · 5 years ago

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I don’t believe in power

I don’t believe in power. Which is to say, all the things highlighted by the hermeneutics of power relations, oppression, dynamics etc? These exist, as far as it goes. But they way “power” is a catch-all term seems like a plaster/band-aid, shortcut. By naming as such, we create a definition of a thing to be had, or not had.

We’re all aware money is a a fiction, a series of agreements that means only what we allow it to mean as a society. Money is a fiction that is nevertheless capable of affecting the world. Same as other social constructs.

Power is another social construct, yes. But, and this is key, what happens if you entertain the idea of doing something, of getting things done, without power? Isn’t that in some sense tautological? After all, power is what gets things done, no?

So, if you have some sort of ability to do a thing, you are said to have power. It’s what it means. But if you remove power from your lexicon, your vocabulary, your conceptual framework, what then?

What lies under the convenient conceptual fig leaf of power but a roiling, writhing mass of multiplicity? It’s almost Lovecraftian in scope, but not in the Ligotti sense that we’re mere puppets convinced that the tangling of our strings is induced by some non-existent sense of self.

Rather, that it’s a pulsing, ever-touching mess of wyrms, where each wyrm blurs into every other. It’s a roaring cauldron filled with currents and flows that are indistinct, plastic and amorphous - a giant infinite profusion of shoggoths where entity-hood is as fluid as the most bizarre shapechangers that the human mind could ever conjure.

What relevance does this daemonic flux beneath the convenient handle of ‘power’ have? The key is that ‘power’ is just that, an attempt to grasp, to handle that which is always going to be defined by what and how we grasp. Which is to say, even the language I’m using evokes hands.

We’re habituated by language here - to have power, or not to have it:

have (v.)Old English habban "to own, possess; be subject to, experience," from Proto-Germanic *habejanan (source also of Old Norse hafa, Old Saxon hebbjan, Old Frisian habba, German haben, Gothic haban "to have"), from PIE root *kap- "to grasp." Not related to Latin habere, despite similarity in form and sense; the Latin cognate is capere "seize.Sense of "possess, have at one's disposal" (I have a book) is a shift from older languages, where the thing possessed was made the subject and the possessor took the dative case (as in Latin est mihi liber "I have a book," literally "there is to me a book"). Used as an auxiliary in Old English, too (especially to form present perfect tense); the word has taken on more functions over time; Modern English he had better would have been Old English him (dative) wære betere.To have to for "must" (1570s) is from sense of "possess as a duty or thing to be done" (Old English). Phrase have a nice day as a salutation after a commercial transaction attested by 1970, American English. Phrase have (noun), will (verb) is from 1954, originally from comedian Bob Hope, in the form Have tux, will travel; Hope described this as typical of vaudevillians' ads in "Variety," indicating a willingness and readiness to perform anywhere.

We talk about seizing power, taking power, having power.

power (n.)c. 1300, "ability; ability to act or do; strength, vigor, might," especially in battle; "efficacy; control, mastery, lordship, dominion; legal power or authority; authorization; military force, an army," from Anglo-French pouair, Old French povoir, noun use of the infinitive, "to be able," earlier podir (9c.), from Vulgar Latin *potere, from Latin potis "powerful" (from PIE root *poti- "powerful; lord").

Whatever some hypocritical ministers of government may say about it, power is the greatest of all pleasures. It seems to me that only love can beat it, and love is a happy illness that can't be picked up as easily as a Ministry. [Stendhal "de l'Amour," 1822] Meaning "one who has power" is late 14c. Meaning "specific ability or capacity" is from early 15c. Meaning "a state or nation with regard to international authority or influence" [OED] is from 1726. Used for "a large number of" from 1660s. Meaning "energy available for work is from 1727. Sense of "electrical supply" is from 1896.

The question then, is what, precisely, ability suggests?

able (adj.) "having sufficient power or means," early 14c., from Old French (h)able "capable; fitting, suitable; agile, nimble" (14c.), from Latin habilem, habilis "easily handled, apt," verbal adjective from habere "to hold" (from PIE root *ghabh- "to give or receive")."Easy to be held," hence "fit for a purpose." The silent h- was dropped in English and resisted academic attempts to restore it 16c.-17c. (see H), but some derivatives (such as habiliment, habilitate) acquired it via French.

Again, we have the habilitaton, the handle. Somewhere in this is a fundamental issue of control, of direction. Consider then, cybernetics - not in the general popular sense, but from whence it sprang:

cybernetics (n.)"theory or study of communication and control," coined 1948 by U.S. mathematician Norbert Wiener (1894-1964), with -ics + Latinized form of Greek kybernetes "steersman" (metaphorically "guide, governor"), from kybernan "to steer or pilot a ship, direct as a pilot," figuratively "to guide, govern," which is of uncertain origin. Beekes agrees that "the word has no cognates" and concludes "Foreign origin is probable." The construction is perhaps based on 1830s French cybernétique "the art of governing."

Yet, suppose for a second, we look at the way language shifts. Seizure these days is also used to describe a coming-upon that is disruptive to another system. Whether that be a medical seizure, or the so-called authorities seizing property, we see a disruptive impact - a restructuring of existence. Those, that, which is seized, is considered to be overpowered. They are under the power of another - subjected to their desires.

We are told that subjection is only achieveable through power. Even if an individual subjects themselves willing to another, there is power involved. The subject has desires the authority may grant, say. It is still a dynamic transfer flow between entities.

If we extract power from such an interaction, what then?

That the connection exists is undeniable - the interaction, the contact as it were, happens. But how that relationship is described is socially constructed and culturally defined. It is given an identity, a linguistic shape. which influences how it exists in the world.

This is not mere linguistic trickery. Rather, it is an habilitation, shaped in a way so as to fit the world. To make sense.

Which brings us back to seizure - to madness, to the Cosmic Horror.

“The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents. We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far. “ - HP Lovecraft.

Lovecraft was a racist, bigoted, xenophobe. Yet the above quote is indicative of the role of human culture in general terms. Things which maintain the island, keep it safe and structured. These are not bad things, but neither should they be free from critique. Such a structuring is the notion of power.

Suppose for a moment that say, seizure, is known, not via power or ability but affect? That ecstasy, madness, fury, are ontological continua of their own.

To use an analogy: That magic does things because it is magic, rather than it being any form of power.

Magical power is thus an oxymoron. If one can only describe things in terms of power, you are being governed, piloted, by those who say power is important and you should listen to them because they have it.

There are other ways.

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pitiless-achilles-wept · 6 years ago

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Shake It Off: Love and thanks to the cast of SAA 2019

Hello friends, I've just returned from a week in Washington DC where I spent a few days at the Folger Shakespeare Library followed by a few days at my all-time favorite conference, the annual meeting of the Shakespeare Association of America. I would say that it's like Comic Con for Shakespeareans but there's a lot less cosplay (no, we're not a Ren Faire) and a lot more intellectually crunchy panels featuring the newest scholarship by brilliant scholars in the field. Some people in my position would, I'm sure, not be so invested in attending an academic conference that they spent the night before their first chemo treatment completing the paper in time for the participation deadline (perhaps the most on-brand thing I have ever done). They're occasions that we often grouse about, after all: the timing is bad; the flights and hotels are expensive; the schedule is too packed; the program doesn't have what we want on it; we have to grade/prepare lessons/do admin work when we get home. Admittedly, this is a more fun conference than many and I see a lot less general grumpiness about it than some I could name (*cough* MLA *cough*). It does share a little bit of the carnival atmosphere of Comic Con, culminating in a dance on the last night that could feel hokey (and does to some people...the conference is divided pretty sharply between dance-attenders and dance non-attenders) but which gives me the kind of warm feelings of kinship that you get from dancing at a wedding. Like: ah, nerdy as they are, this is my family.

[Below the cut: thoughts and thanks to the members of my profession.]

Perhaps this trip was kind of a weird thing for someone with Stage 4 cancer to be doing. I have, potentially, precious little time in this world (even in the best case scenario it's far less time than I'd anticipated) so why spend so much of it on work? The simple answer is that, with less time, it has become all the more important to spend it doing the things that make me feel the most like myself. And that means a trip to a rare books library where I can spend 8 hours a day combing through 400-year-old plays in search of annotations. It means doing a survey cross-indexing my list of plays against the library catalog while listening to all the Girl Talk albums in succession. It means the giddy satisfaction of closing out the library and going to happy hour with my fellow researchers. It means 10-hour conference days where I work hard and play hard and take copious notes in appreciation of my friends' and colleagues' fantastic minds (and maybe sneak a nap in my hotel room during the late-afternoon slump). And it means closing out the weekend with a community that has stepped up in incredible support of me in the time since I've made my diagnosis public in a way I did not expect and am profoundly grateful for - a fact which is the point of this post. I found myself in the hotel bar somewhere in the neighborhood of 2am on Sunday morning, quite literally weak in the knees from so much dancing, guzzling water and keeping company with colleagues who I've come to call friends as we all, exhaustedly, said repeatedly "we should go to bed" and subsequently did not. There was a real last-day-of-camp vibe that infused the whole thing with preemptive nostalgia for the time--so soon!--when we would not be together in the same place. This is the thing about assembling in person only for a few days every year. There is never enough time to catch up one-on-one (or even many-on-many) among the events of the days. It's both the best and worst part of attending a conference where your colleagues are also friends. You're left wanting more time, more conversation, more connection. Many conversations and much of the friendship continues over various forms of social media, which I have a very deep attachment to and which has helped me make it through these years of instability and separation from people I care about. Some people regard social media or blogs (like this one) as a stand-in or poor substitute for the intimacy of real-world friendships. But for someone like me who became a teenager at the same time instant messaging apps came into existence (shoutout to AIM!) and who has had the repeated experience of developing a friendship or a friend group only to have to bid farewell to its members they are a godsend. They are a conduit for intimacy, fostering it but not replacing it. At this conference I had the unusual and somewhat surreal experience of having people--some of whom I knew well, some of whom only in passing or from Twitter, some not at all--reach out and thank me for writing and sharing so much of myself. Some of them had been through something similar, either on their own or with a loved one. Others hadn't but wanted me to know that my experience had affected them and that they were on my side, hoping along with me for things to get better. I was moved almost to tears several times because, in that way that happens when you write and then post into the void, I wasn't sure anyone was listening. But they were and responded with manifold kindness. It seemed somehow symbolic of my experience with the academic profession overall. It can seem cold and empty, as we are all separated by space and time (especially the lack of it). And when we speak into it not as a professional academic but as a person the likelihood of getting any response, let alone a positive one, seems so slim. That is, I think, why revealing so much of myself on here seemed somewhat risky to me and would to many people. We cultivate very carefully our professional selves, even in casual interactions, because the line between the personal and the professional is so blurry in academia. Often we use this fact to impute great skepticism to our readers (our colleagues); better not to show any vulnerability in case someone, some day, may want to hire you and who would want to hire a vulnerable human being? But in this case I've seen the other side of that grey area. I found a wealth of empathy where I did not expect it. And that as much as anything has made me want to keep working, to keep writing, to stay in this academic community. Your continued and continual support has really sustained me. I do recognize, however, that one reason I'm able to share all this is that I have a secure job. I think I would still be posting about my experience in any case simply because it isn't in my nature not to share thoughts on the most important thing in my life. But I also know that it's my privilege to be able to do so, to even have the choice. And it is a choice that I have made in smaller ways in the past too. I still recall several years ago during one of my turns on the academic job market when I received an unsolicited email from someone I did not know (although we had a friend in common) informing me that my Twitter account was unprofessional and that I was likely writing myself out of a job. Of course, I cracked my knuckles and wrote a pointed reply about how I had quite literally written a dissertation on the concept of the public sphere and thought very carefully about what I wanted to put in public or not and, what's more, that it was only for me to decide and not for him to arbitrate. (For the record, I do not consider my account "unprofessional" since it is a purely personal account from which I sometimes tweet about work-related things. Also for the record, this person wrote back with an apology.) But that fear, stoked by incidents like that, would keep many junior people (or even senior people) from publicly showing their wounds--literal and figurative--in a situation like this. I am glad to be able to speak. I am more than glad that someone is listening. As I return home from the conference, prepared to resume chemo again on Thursday, I feel sadness and trepidation, sure, but I do also feel energized and supported, raised up by a larger community of far-flung friends, colleagues, acquaintances; people I've never met face-to-face and people who are an integral part of my daily life. Friends, academics, Shakespeareans, you are a wonderful bunch. Thank you for making this trip and this conference an occasion to recharge and return to fight another day.

#bex writes #my life as a cancer patient #bex travels #prof me #my face #how do I selfie?

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saintmustafa-blog · 6 years ago

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Quran as a discourse

In this post, I am going to be dealing with parts of the Quran that are difficult to come to terms with for those who want to live with a progressive moral set and follow the no harm principle. These are also parts of the Quran that critics usually use to attack Muslims. So before doing that, let us first appreciate these beautiful verses. From Surah Al-Hujurat: "O mankind, indeed we have created you from male and female and made you peoples and tribes that you may know one another. Indeed, the most noble of you in the sight of Allah is the most righteous of you. Indeed, Allah is Knowing and Acquainted.". Surah Ash-Sharh: "So truly where there is hardship there is also ease".

Quran as a discourse

There is a distinction between the Quran as a scripture and the Quran as a discourse [1]. The Quran as a discourse is a conversation between the prophet Muhammed (P.B.U.H), the believers and unbelievers of the time, and the divine. This conversation is a process of arguing, debating, and agreeing on issues. It is the discourse that is holy, not the text itself which is a silent record. The scripture as we know it today was codified after the prophets death by the Caliph and companion of the prophet, Uthman ( May Allah be pleased with him ) who burnt other variants. When we fail to remember the Quran is a discourse, we become slaves of literalism and idolise scripture.

The Quran (Surah Nuh 4:11) states that women should get a half of the inheritance of a man, and that the testimony of one man is worth the testimony of two women. The Quran as scripture outlook leads to taking this as a literal ruling, but taking Quran as a discourse we see an attempt to persuade the 7th century Arabs of the time to actually consider the opinions of women, and to allocate them at least some inheritance. This was in a time where new born daughters were at risk of being buried in the dessert. The literal ruling is considered sexist in modern times but it was probably a compromise with the community. Change does not happen over night, and doing things slowly and in stages seems to be a common pattern in Islam. This is shown by the Quran not being revealed overnight, but over a period of 23 years. The overarching intention of the discourse is to give women more rights. The modern consequent of this is to have equal rights. We should be looking at the intention of the discourse between the revelation and the community of the time rather than the literalistic meaning.

The Quran states that slaves should be treated fairly, that it is good to free slaves, and that it is permissible to have sex with slaves. The intention of the discourse here is not to introduce slavery into the community, it already existed. It is to make the treatment of slaves better. That is the intention of the discourse. Therefore, when reading the Quran we should not take away that slavery is ok, but instead take away that the situation should be made fairer, the most moral conclusion from that discourse that has been accepted in modern times is to ban slavery.

But what about when we can't make it work?

What about when we find something that is incompatible with our morals, and we can not find any underlying idea that pushes for greater morals as in the example of the inheritance of women? Reject it. You heard me correctly. This does not mean sticking our heads in the sand and pretending it doesn't exist. It doesn't mean that we reject the Quran itself. It just means we are playing a role in the discourse. We instead acknowledge that it was part of the discourse on what makes a moral society by 7th century standards. When we read the Quran we become a party in that discourse, and therefore we have the right to say no, this is abhorrent and not fit for societies in the 21st century.

Let us look at the following verse which may trouble you. Surah An-Nur Verse 2: "The [unmarried] woman or [unmarried] man found guilty of sexual intercourse - lash each one of them with a hundred lashes, and do not be taken by pity for them in the religion of Allah, if you should believe in Allah and the Last Day. And let a group of the believers witness their punishment." When dealing with such a verse there are three camps of Muslims:

1. Those who accept it as a literal ruling to be applied in the modern day under a legitimate Islamic State. 2. Those who desperately try to justify it by playing mental gymnastics. This commonly involves looking for different meanings of words that differ from the meanings that have been accepted by the majority of Arabs for hundreds of years. 3. Those who understand the verse to be applicable to the discourse at the time with 7th century peoples who lack the advanced moral compass we have today and therefore reject it.

We do not need to speak about the fist camp, we must be patient and wait for their condition to change whilst setting a good example. The second camp are in a sad state. There is nothing wrong with looking for hidden and metaphorical meanings, as long as you are being honest with others and more importantly yourself. But, if you are constantly jumping through hoops and making things up to justify things that don't look right, you will eventually grow tired of your own incoherence. At that stage most people either regress to fundamentalism or drift away from their Islamic identity, some becoming ex-muslims. These are the hipsters who look at a verse and say "No brother, actually the root word of this means that, and the kasra is missing, and therefore what it says it means isn't actually what it means, but instead it means a tree that has been born of a seed that has been excreted by an animal". If you are in this camp, I beg you to visit the third camp and drink tea with us. Here our religious belief is completely consistent with living with modern progressive values, without the hypocrisy. This is the only camp which has a chance of reforming societies and contributing to the development of Muslim civilisation.

I advocate for the third camp. It is practiced by millions of Muslims around the world but sadly rarely articulated or encouraged. I reject the verse above as a ruling, as it is incompatible with my conscience and moral compass, and I hope that it is also incompatible with yours. This doesn't take me out of the fold of Islam, I am simply taking part in the discourse that is the Quran. This doesn't make my prayers any less meaningful, or negatively affect my relationship with God.

There is something interesting about the third camp. We are disliked by both anti-muslim bigots and fundamental Daeshi mentality Muslims alike. The anti-muslim bigots try to make us look bad by presenting hadiths and versus about whipping fornicators, executing apostates, and stoning. When we respond with, “yes those exist, but we Muslims accept these as dated rulings and don't follow them”, the anti-muslim bigot suddenly loses his cannon fodder and has nothing left to attack us with. They hate us as we do not fit into their modal of the Muslim who is incompatible with liberal values. On the other hand, you have the Daeshi mentality Muslims who hate us for not taking everything literally. The anti-muslim bigots love these fundamentalists as they fit the mould for their propaganda. The irony. The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said, “Never be extreme regarding religion. Many nations have been destroyed before you only because of extremism in religion.”

Sources

[1] - Humanistic hermeneutics of the Quran - Nasr Abu Zayd. I fist encountered the idea of Qu'ran as a discourse here so I must attribute it. Although the thoughts expressed in the second half of the post are not the views of that author (Allah yarhamo). If you are interested in a more academic read about the Qu'ran as a discourse I recommend this 60 page read.

#islam

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humansofhds · 6 years ago

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Eliot Davenport, MTS '18

“Recently, I have realized that, at the bottom of everything, I came to the study of South Asian religion and Indian philosophy because I couldn’t imagine not reading Sanskrit every day.”

Eliot graduated in 2018 from the MTS program at HDS and is currently applying to PhD programs in South Asian and Religious Studies departments, where she will continue to study Sanskrit and Indian philosophy.

Leaving the Bubble

I am Texan, through and through. I was born and raised in Fort Worth. Same house, same school, same all-the-things for my whole childhood. Religion tied into my life in an early way. When my mom found out she was going to have kids, she thought, “What was important to me when I was small? The Church!” So she immediately started attending again, and my sister and I were raised in the Episcopal Church. My mom worked as the secretary to the rector, so we ended up going to the church school for K-12. It was sort of a bubble of a life.

For most of my life, I wanted to be a priest. Whenever anybody asked me what I wanted to do I would say, “I want to be an Episcopal priest,” and they’d be like “Great, except that you’re a lady.” Turns out that I totally could have, but my diocese was very not progressive. It was stagnant. I didn’t know that women could be clergy until I went off to college and I had already changed my plan at that point. I was good at math and I thought I’d just be an engineer, so I moved to College Station and earned my bachelors of science in civil and ocean/coastal engineering at Texas A&M.

Once I found out about female clergy I called my parents and I was like “what the heck, I could have done this!” They suggested that I put a pin in it and try out the engineering thing. So I did—I worked as an engineer in Austin for about five years. But I still always thought I wanted to go to seminary. About a year into the formal discernment process in the Episcopal Diocese of Texas, I thought, “Wait, that’s not what I want after all. Turns out I want to study Sanskrit.” And everybody said, “Excuse me, what?” That’s how I ended up coming to Massachusetts in a nutshell.

Serendipitous Encounters

When I moved to Austin to begin my first real job after graduating from Texas A&M, I realized that engineering had taken up my whole life. I just felt like I didn’t have much of a personality outside of my education and career. So I started to do a bunch of stuff, thinking that year that I would do literally anything that came my way hoping that something would catch me and hold tight. One day somebody said that I should go to a yoga class. I initially thought, “No thanks,’ but something changed and I walked into one, some free class somewhere, and it just stuck. It became my thing.

A couple of years later I started yoga teacher training and was introduced to Sanskrit. From the moment we started learning proper syllable pronunciation, I was hooked. I realized that if I intended to be a yoga teacher who said the names of poses in Sanskrit and spoke with any sense of authority about anything related to the Yoga Sutras, then I better be able to read them as a primary source and not just as an English translation. So, at the suggestion of Professor Clooney, I applied to the University of Texas to try my hand at first-year Sanskrit, and three years later here I am applying for PhD programs.

I started practicing yoga in 2012. I became one of those people who practiced multiple times a day, then I started teaching, and then I quit my full-time engineering job all-together. Then I came here (HDS), and it disappeared from my life. I didn’t grieve the loss of this thing that I had loved; it was just that it's time sort of ended for me. I still do it from time to time, and I’ve started doing it more since graduating. Although yoga is the thing that introduced me to Sanskrit, my relationship to yoga is different now. For me it is physical. I don’t buy into the way that people are trying to package a spiritual experience and a bodily experience all at once. After coming to HDS, I separated the philosophy, the language, and then finally the actual physical practice, so when I do it now I do it just to feel good in my body.

I usually don’t get a lot of good reactions when I tell people this story. Overall there seems to be a sense that this undeniably modern avenue into the world of studying religion, South Asia, and Sanskrit somehow indicates an inability to take it seriously. People have mixed reactions to the idea that the billion dollar, stretchy-pants yoga boom could lead somebody into the academic study of religion, but it did for me and I hope others are lucky enough to let it do the same for them.

Learning Curve

Engineering school never felt right. I never really meshed with that culture. Honestly, even when I thought I was going to be a priest, that didn’t feel quite right either. And then I walked into that first class of beginner Sanskrit at UT and I was like “Oh! I found the thing, and it’s not a place, or a particular career; it’s this other new thing that I’m so glad I ran into.” It was a beautiful accident. And I’m thankful for it, every day.

Because my first year at HDS was also my first year in the humanities, my time here was like a compressed undergraduate education. There was a huge learning curve. I mean, my first paper in my life that was longer than three pages was my first paper here at HDS. So, I had to give myself time and space to properly develop an idea of what I wanted to do. Even now I can say more easily what I don’t want to do than what I do want to do, whether it’s in regard to a simple term paper or a future book. My dearest friend back in Austin teases me that I went from wanting to do everything in all the libraries in all over the world to wanting to do something in all of the libraries on one continent, and now I’m trying to shrink it down to one country, one city, and perhaps a single library.

Recently, I have realized that, at the bottom of everything, I came to the study of South Asian religion and Indian philosophy because I couldn’t imagine not reading Sanskrit every day. This whole world didn’t initially open up to me through English translations of Sanskrit texts or even from the mouths of my professors. I became familiar with some of India’s epic narratives and philosophical works simply by reading them in the language in which they were meant to be heard and read. In fact, it was only after my second full year of language study that I was finally asked to think critically about them from a non-language-based perspective. This perhaps odd way of doing things, learning the language before knowing what my academic questions might be, has certainly affected the way I study. I’ve finally zeroed in on the thing I love reading the most: Indian philosophy. In particular I’m interested in epistemology, philosophy of language, theories of sensory experience, and the efficacy of sound as a source of knowledge. I’m interested in not just what these philosophers had to say, but also the intricacies of how they chose to say it. What do they have to say about language and how, in turn, do they utilize language to do so? For a lot of people, it probably sounds like the most boring thing in the world. But this is what’s captured my imagination, so I am just going with it.

Hidden Motivations

In my last semester, I took a class with Professor Hallisey about Buddhism and modern fiction. In this course, it was incredible to me how we were all presented with the same paper prompts and every single one of us wrote on distinctly different topics for each. When we were asked “What is the author of this novel asking us to reflect on?” each of us zeroed in on such fascinating and differing topics that it made me wonder if we’d even read the same book.

In the final paper for that class, the basic question was: Why read fiction at all? I started thinking about how fiction forces us not only to look into the minds of different authors, but also to dive deep into our own brains to see what we’re reflecting on. Fiction is a conduit for us to live other lives and see what in those lives is important to us. I wrote about grief and loss for one assignment and about the human tendency to self-deceive for another. As I wrote the final, I thought back and self-psychoanalyzed a bit, realizing that those topics are things that are always present in my mind. I was totally unaware of this while I was reading the novels and writing the individual papers. All this to say that this class changed the way I want to approach the works of certain Indian philosophers. In addition to looking at what they were trying to convey through their arguments, I want to analyze the ways in which they were attempting to convey it in order to gain insight into their world. Perhaps this insight may be able to add to our own experience in unexpected ways.

What is it that I think I’m going to discover there? I don’t know. But I want to get into their brains and I want to know why they chose to talk about the things they chose to talk about. Who were they? What was important to them? What motivated them to write these difficult, intense, complicated things? The engineering side of my brain wants to break down the structure of the texts, the specific sentences, words, and letters. But I also want to put the puzzle pieces together of what they were thinking about on the surface to see what they may have been thinking about below it. Hopefully it leads me somewhere I can’t quite yet imagine.

Elton John

I played the piano competitively for a long time. I started really young because The Lion King was my favorite movie. I remember walking out of the film and being like, “Mom—that music! Who wrote it?” And she told me “Elton John!” I said “I’m going to marry Elton John.” She replied by saying, “Do you want to play the piano?” Soon after that I started to play and still do just for fun. Elton John came here last fall when he was awarded the Harvard Foundation’s Peter J. Gomes Humanitarian, and I finally had the chance to see him in person after 25 years. It was amazing.

Interview and photos by Anaïs Garvanian

#Harvard #Harvard Divinity School #yoga #sanskrit #elton john #buddhism #Religion #episcopal #large

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threemoonsareshining · 7 years ago

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hey i can’t sleep it’s 1am and i’m too out of it to pick i can’t properly express how much i love reading your answers so just answer any / all of those fruit asks i know i said that last time but time is a lie and you’re a cool person yeet

Hi! Oh my god it’s me the one who can’t properly express how much I like getting your asks, and how weird it feels when someone tells you that they like your answers (I still don’t get how you find my ramblings interesting!), but I actually find writing them quite liberating, and it helps me practice my writing skills in English even though they’re not very good! Ok, so you ask for it, here are some long-ass answers

peach: do you have any piercings or tattoos? No! I just had my ears pierced when I was a baby and I wear normal earrings. I don’t really want any kind of piercings because I find them soo unnecessary (for me personally), I don’t see the use in involuntarily mutilating my body you know (I hate needles). I don’t have tattoos either, and I’d like to get one someday, just something tiny and pretty, but then again we encounter the problem of needles…….

raspberry: favorite flower? I honestly love all kinds of flowers but I really like… orchids for example, and when I was little I used to be obsessed with wildflowers (I made bouquets all the time) and now every once in a while I go out to my garden and pick flowers so i can press them in a book and then stick them to an empty notebook (so cliche I know) but I just think they look so so nice.

passion fruit: how would you describe your style? Mmmm I don’t really know if I have a style, I’m really basic tbh. I wear simple clothing but somehow I always manage to differentiate myself from the rest, sometimes without even trying. Like, when I go shopping I get really annoyed because 90% of the shops in every mall are owned by the same company (Inditex) and want it or not, they always end up selling the same stuff, because it’s what everybody is wearing and they sell more you know, but I hate wearing That Exact Garment That Everyone Is Wearing This Season, unless I really really like it. But most of the time I just stick to a simple style, with plain colors, although now I’m trying to broaden my horizons and feel a little bit more comfortable showing a little more skin, which I don’t always like but I’m trying you know.

pineapple: sexual orientation? Ah, the eternal question. I’m honestly not sure. I spent a lot of time believing I was ace, I have always been “mocked” for my lack of sexual behaviours. When I was in middle school people thought it was because I was a lesbian, but I gave it a lot of thought and I arrived at the conclusion that I wasn’t, I just didn’t have attraction towards anyone, which apparently people find completely incomprehensible. But this last year I’ve experienced some situations that have made me realise I might not be 100% ace, but it’s weird because I don’t think those feelings were towards anyone in particular, so I’m pretty confused. What I have more or less clear so far is that I need a lot of trust, and when I say a lot I mean a lot, like I need to “click” with that person in a special way so I am capable of feeling the minimum sexual desire, or at least to feel comfortable enough to engage in some kind of physical contact (even kissing, like, last year I couldn’t even stand people touching my arm, so yeah all kinds of physical contact are kind of big deal to me, specially with the opposite sex, idk why), and even then it doesn’t always happen. I still have a lot to figure out, but I’m not really stressed about it, right now I’m pretty much craving some human contact (this sounds contradictory to what I wrote above, I just think I avoid physical contact because I don’t really know how to react to those situations) and hopefully I’ll get it tomorrow, even if it’s from someone that hasn't been really been really nice to me

strawberry: favorite desserts? Always ice cream, or any of the cakes that my mom bakes because they are all delicious.

cherry: can you play any musical instruments or can you sing? I used to take violin lessons and I self-taught a little of piano, but last year I didn’t have time to do anything and I ended up dropping everything art-related, which pretty much killed my soul. Giving up violin was to be expected, since it was never my passion, it felt more like an obligation because my parents pressured me a lot, and by doing that I refused to practice as much as I should so I never got to see much progress and I got stuck, while the rest of my mates kept getting better and better, which discouraged me even more. With piano, I enjoy a lot playing the little I know, and I’ve composed some themes (without any actual academic knowledge of music of course) but I think they sounded pretty good given that I came up with them with 14 years old or so. Right now I have some themes in mind (it’s amazing because I came up with them like 4 years ago and I still haven’t forgotten them, which is dangerous because I haven’t written or recorded them…). Regarding singing, I like to do it (as I type this I’m performing Africa by Toto with my heart and soul and I bet my neighbour wants to kill me right now) but I’m too shy to sing in front of people, even though I’ve been told I’m good at it (my voice isn’t strong at all btw). I’ve just performed alone in public once and I still don’t know how I managed to do it without having a nervous breakdown. Anyways, yesterday I was home alone and I started singing while doing my hair and I was surprised by myself like “woah bitch when did you learn to do that with your voice” and it was a nice feeling.

banana: favorite horror movies? Mmmmm I’m not a fan of horror movies, I’ve only started to watch some this year. For example, the only horror movie I’ve seen in an actual cinema was A quiet place, and it wasn’t even that scary, but I really liked it. I’ve also seen The Others and The Shining, which were also pretty scary for me hahah

blackberry: is your life an action film, a comedy, a romantic comedy, or drama? My life is one of those pretentious indie European drama movies in which nothing happens, except it’s not aesthetically pleasing

pomegranate: when do you feel the most confident? The other day I was wearing a clean pyjama and I was freshly shaven and honestly, I had the confidence to kill a man.

guava: dark & dramatic makeup or natural makeup? I’m trying to perfect the art of achieving a natural makeup that actually looks natural, but problem: I’m bad at it and I don’t have the right products to do it.

tangelo: if you could be any mythical creature, which would you be? I’d be a dryad, an elf or something that lives in the forest, nothing like a mermaid or a creature that lives in the water because I’m afraid of it, just let be me eaten by the moss please and thank you

papaya: what song describes your aesthetic? I’ve said it like 461654 times but Plant Life by Owl City is me, like, if that song was a person, it would be me.

cranberry: favorite time of the day; morning, afternoon, dusk, or night? I love the night because it feels like time stops. If I’m alone, I don’t feel judged because there’s no one else to see me, I can just enjoy the world when everything’s quiet and if I stay awake till dawn I get to see how the world wakes up which is also really nice. I also like the night when I’m with people, I can’t describe the feeling, like, when I breathe deeply, I feel some butterflies in my stomach (sometimes it’s the anxiety and I want to end my suffering right there but other times it’s like a nice way of feeling excited), just being surrounded by people... it gives me a weird feeling (my way of expressing this is so shitty i’m sorry)

nectarine: would you consider yourself an emotional person? I’ve always been known for being stone cold and emotionless, but actually I am Very Sensitive, everything affects me, even if I’m not the target of it (I would get really upset at school when my classmates were mean to teachers because I felt so so so so bad for them and my mom told me like “but the haven0t done anything to you!” and I’m like I know but my soul is in pain what can I do). Despite this, I never cried once at school, I just let it all out when I got home (I would cry a lot outside), and that’s why everyone thought I had no feelings, when actually I had a lot of them, too many, I just got really really good at hiding them. This is now a problem since I find myself incapable of expressing my feelings to other people. I’m good at rationalising them to myself, I can distance myself from my own perspective and think “You’re feeling this because of that”, but there’s a difference between being able to acknowledge your feelings objectively and actually having the capability to control them, or change them (that’s why they’re feelings, they’re the opposite of “objective” and they can’t just be turned off whenever you want). This is the reason why it’s so exhausting to be concealing them all the time like I do or not even that, just trying to canalise negative feelings instead of avoiding them can be really hard. So yeah, to sum up, I’m very emotional, but I’d like to believe I’m very self-aware so I can find some kind of balance.

orange: do you have long eyelashes? I actually do, but only because I apply ricin oil every night before bed. I did it just to give it a try but my lashes are now not only longer, but also denser (I have lots of new hairs popping out, it’s very nice to see). I do it because I hate wearing mascara, and I want them to look fuller without having to apply anything.

apricot: what do you do when you’re sad? When I’m very very sad I just get this sinking feeling in my chest, which I can’t express with words how much I hate it, it reminds me of all the times I’ve gotten that feeling in my life and makes me feel completely miserable. When I feel like that, there’s literally nothing else I can do but lie feeling just kind of paralyzed. I often try to watch a tv show, and even though I can’t concentrate on it and I’ll probably end up having to rewatch that episode, it distracts me a little. I also play music, but it sometimes makes it even worse. Lately, when I feel really down, or anxious (specifically anxiety over things I know are stupid and no big deal, but things that my brain decides to worry about anyway), I end up cleaning something very thoroughly, like my bedroom or bathroom while listening to some playlist with mainstream songs that I know the lyrics to but that I’m not emotionally attached to so I can keep my mind busy until lunchtime or until I have to go out.

star fruit: favorite sea creature? I used to be obsessed, and when I said obsessed I mean obsessed with whales, specifically beluga whales. I have a stuffed beluga toy, a beluga notebook and I still have the picture of a beluga hung on my wall (it’s not big I swear it’s not that bad now). I also made my mom tell my tales about belugas for like 6 or 7 years every single night (I can’t remember when exactly she stopped doing it but I can tell you I was old enough to feel really, really ashamed of it if anyone found out about it), now I feel sorry for her because it must had been a really big effort for her… I was obsessed with dolphins as well, I remember crying while watching dolphin documentaries on tv because I wanted one so bad and my parents tried to explain me that that was just… not possible. Oh I also have those figurines that glow in the dark with whale shapes (you know those stars that are on the ceiling of kids’ rooms? well just like that but with whales, I still have them)

dragonfruit: do you drink alcohol? I do, and I know it’s really unhealthy but I mean… besides that I’m a pretty healthy girl, I don’t smoke, I don’t eat processed foods and I work out every once in a while… you gotta live a little. And it’s also nothing like drinking every day or anything, it’s just that when I go out with friends I drink, heavily, but I still know when to stop (I’ve only gone overboard like… twice, and it was nothing serious, like, you end up getting all your dinner out and with a terrible hangover the next day). It’s funny because when I’m drunk and my head is spinning, I can still see myself trying to rationalise everything and i have some principles as a drunk girl: 1. Watch your step as gracefully as you can 2. Be nice and try to help everyone, stranger or not 3. Pick up the things you drop on the ground because the environment is still in danger 4. If someone needs to go to pee, especially if it’s one of your girlfriends, don’t let them go alone. It’s actually a little sad because one of the main reasons why I drink at parties it’s because I get really anxious in social situations, and it helps me feel a little less self-conscious, but lately it doesn’t do the trick, and I just stare into space and my mind goes blank every time someone talks to me, and them feeling terrible about my lack of social skills… I should fix that

This was really nice to write, it kept me busy for a while, just what I needed. I don’t know if you go through all of it but hey at least it helped me!

Have a nice nice day!!! 🍃🍃🍃🍂🍂🍂

#ask #mutuals #long post #suspended-in-gaffa #niceeeeeeeeeeeeee #have a nice day #or night #idk #aa

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