#literally my entire body hurts im EXHAUSTED but my body WONT LET ME SLEEP

[arnold-layne]

im SO tired but guess what… cant sleep again….

[makuta-tobi]

im on my thinnest nerve rn work has dragged me through the mud all fucking week, the animals are getting to be too much (im just over halfway done with this) and its gotten to the point where i legitimately had to go slam a door because the dog started barking for no reason and i came very close to pushing her while she was at the top of the stairs because i cant fucking take it i cant even sit here and be alone because chessa keeps coming up and like swatting at my arm and if i go downstairs then pierre is all at my feet chasing me and running into me and yelling so loud and the dog just gets up and starts barking at absolutely nothing and its this sharp loud fucking sound

and i wanted to just get up and leave but where the fuck would i go i cant afford to drive too far because im low on gas and i need to save what i have until i can get my hands on a cheque that works owes me but even if i had gas money like where would i go, to some park where i would be sitting in the rain and just getting wet and be entirely fucking bored the whole time

my body hurts so fucking much from everything and im so tired like exhausted but also sleepy but they wont let me go to sleep until at least 10 o clock so i can't fucking take a nap and im just worn out and even though im off the next 2 days i have to use that time to catch up on cleaning around the house and shopping and i have an appointment and then on thursday i have to go help brandee with a stream which will probably be fun but its just another thing on my plate and then im right back to work where im going to be treated like a fucking pack mule again because im literally the only reliable person who works there anymore apparently like outside of the supervisors im literally the only person who agrees to be there for full time, and even then i dont work full time so i dont get the benefits of doing that anyways like fucking insurance lmfao but they sure do see me and say well youre reliable so can you do these extra tasks today even though we said you wouldnt have to do anything more give me a fucking break

[atsumiye]

Hi this is your therapist anon back at it with asking what happened to your day lol.

Everytime I log in, I see you and I wonder, "oh no. what happened this time"

omg hey bae :D the fact that thats the first thing you think of when you see me is truly my peak of this app.

HERE IS MY RANT UNDER THE CUT AGHFDGK

OKAY lets start with the fact that its a monday. bc who likes mondays. ANYWHO i woke up and was exhausted for no reason bc i actually started going to sleep at a decent time but i decided to open tumblr and the literal first post i saw made me so angry :D i wont talk about it too much but like....this person made me angry but ill MOVE ON anyway. then my stomach starts to hurt #IBSwarrior and im like on the verge on tossing myself onto the floor and forgetting about life but the rest of the day i just feel so gross but after a while it started to go away a bit. and i had this cute start of the week outfit in my head only to try it on. and i look like a cowboy. SCREAMING BC I LIVE IN EASTERN EUROPE. THESE OLD LADIES STARE WHEN I WEAR A TSHIRT AND JEANS AND NOW I LOOK LIKE A COWBOY?? I WONT MAKE IT OUT ALIVE yk. THEN idk if i mentioned but i have to write a thesis paper for one of my classes and only have 2 WEEKS TO WRITE A 22 PAGE PAPER????? ONE THAT STUDENTS WORK ON FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR??? but its in pairs so its a bit less work but but me and my friend had to write 4 pages today and we decided to split it but IDK when someone decided to change the definition of the word split bc i did 3 pages?? and she did 1??? so unless webster dictionary decided split now means an unequal share then what the fuck yk??? BUT then we get a break and i stupidly decide im going to drink some coffee and go to my next class. if i could go back in time and personally smack myself i would bc WOW that coffee did not do me well. BASICALLY we had to present this study worksheet we did and my group decides I HAVE to be the one to present it. and right before we have to go up and present,,, the coffee makes itself KNOWN. i wont get into too much detail but im ready to pass out on the floor while waiting to present and i mention it to my friends and they are like, ¨dont be nervous its not a big deal." and im like NO IT IS A BIG DEAL IM GONNA CRY and so i had to pretend like i wasnt in severe pain while talking about how i would conduct a cohort study on whether elevated levels of blood cholesterol are related to a risk in incidence of strokes. THEN THEN i run out to go to the bathroom ONLY FOR SOMEONE TO BE IN THERE and thats so embarrassing bc i like YANKED on the door and it was locked and someone was inside so i was like fuck that ill wait till i get home. then my friend decides now is the perfect time to take her sweet ass time to speak with our professor about god knows what so i miss my bus and the only one that goes to my house is in 30 minutes??? im ready to explode so thats not gonna work but one of my other friends suggests we can rent a little car and drive home. BAD IDEA she is a horrible driver </3 she drove on one way roads the wrong way, on sidewalks, she sped through old town, and im like holding on for dear life clenching every muscle in my body type beat. i got home took a nap bc i was still feeling sick. i went to the store to buy some things and i get all the way home only to realize i forgot tomatoes. TOMATOES. i bought 2783 other things i didnt need but forgot the one thing i did need??? now bc that wasnt enough today is the jewish new year and im celebrating by myself :(( so i decide to order some food form one of my favorite restaurants only for it to be MEDIOCRE AT BEST. and it made my stomach hurt. and now im sitting in bed <33

anyway this was so nice to type out bc it makes me feel better SOB thank you for always asking omg

[elliethesuperfruitlover]

tw/venting

ayo the thought of having to go back to school in a little over a month is fucking wild. like.....i feel like i just got out of school and binge watched invincible for the first time. IT FEELS LIKE YESTERDAY. it’s extremely scary thinking about how fast time is passing by because i keep doing the same thing everyday. there’s barely any change in anything. not allowed outside. my IRL friends arent vaxxed yet, and even if they were, my mom’s suspicious of my intentions when going out. and lets not get into the fact that school doesnt stress me out as much, but i’ll be damned if i dont have awful test anxiety still. i feel like everything is fucking passing me by and that sucks ASS. my classmates are going out to beaches and shit, and posting on insta (good for them, i probably need to touch some grass) but like?? i feel like im just being robbed of my life. and teen years and all that. 

i know the pandemic has been hard for LITERALLY everyone. (if you said 2020 was a good year, hush, you’re alone in that regard bestie, dont wanna hear it) but i just......im finally recognizing feelings and all that (shit’s scary man) my thoughts dont match my body whatsoever (not dysphoria, its derealization, or something similar). thats so scary to me. sometimes i catch myself in the mirror and im talking and im like...”thats not me.....oh fuck, it is me.” so i dont look in the mirror and talk aloud, is what im saying. i’ll have a breakdown. but im extremely extroverted. i love people, and seeing people and hugging people. and not feeling like every day that i spend inside of my fucking house is a waste of time because time travel doesnt exist and i cant get any of these days back. at all. it is a never ending cycle. i just want a hug, dude. i’ve never experienced cuddling before either. i would love to platonically cuddle someone. but i got rid of toxic friends (still not over it) and got very radicalized...but for what. my own knowledge and betterment.....but eh. plus i traumadump, nobody wants to hear my sob story, i need to hush. and get in contact with my therapist. and discuss my anxiety issues. and possible depression. and PTSD and so many other things because it’s really not cute. anyways.

also heyy, my body issues are back. like?? hello. not that they ever went away, they just steep for a bit, then start boiling back. and that’s torture for me. having a generally okay body is fine, but then i realize that when i do wear pants, they’re either my overalls (comfort and queerness) or jeans. and yay those are tighter than they were last time. and i know weight fluctuation is a thing that happens, but i really feel like i could do more to not feel as bad. (i mean, sure, i could, but exercising makes me feel horrible mentally so). i see classmates thin and everything (i know thin isnt always healthy, but a part of me wishes that i was bone thin, we wont talk about it) and i know “every body is a bikini body” and i support that initiative 1,000 percent, but A. i have no idea if my parents would even let me get one if i wanted one (i dont) and B. i dont have the confidence to wear something like that. i even hate the fucking swimsuit that i have. i want the fucking full length victorian swimsuits with a shirt and fucking shorts because i cant stand being exposed. my stomach pokes out too much. my arms arent muscly like they were some years back. i just feel....so weird. and the “oh she’s smart, she cant be hot.” one or the other type shit that my brain keeps trying to tell me is real ia NASTY. like heyyy i have a brain, and i use it most days, but my body also shouldnt be fuckshitted like this. this collection of skin and bones keeps me safe (but not from my brain, its on some different shit)

another thing is that i can not wear exposing things. ugh, i would feel so just....out in the open. im literally scared of someone coming behind me and fucking groping me, or slapping my ass. (valid fear) but i literally fucking HATE feeling like that. one, I AM UNDERAGED, and two, ITS NASTY EITHER WAY. and if i went to school, and wore something mildly form fitting, i’d be pushing my body forward to look less noticeable (i dont trust seniors), or pulling my jacket down (i always wear jackets in school) so people arent looking at me. that sucks. and i wish i didnt make my anxiety that bad as to where it just sucks to exist. with a human flesh prison that looks a certain way. i kinda just want to hide my body. permanently. (not dysphoria related, my tits are fine, if they stay, cool, if they don’t, cool) but like...ugh.

and this is where it gets EXTREMELY dark, trigger warning for suicide mention.

yeah last year on the first week of school (virtual) i really wanted to kill myself. which like..isnt okay. i havent really told anyone about that either. because it was an extremely low point for me. i just didn’t think that i could fucking make it through the entire year. all those assignments, and all those days, wasted. im not learning anything valuable (besides maybe science and finance)...i dont know what the fuck i want to do with my life. there’s no such thing as ethical consumption so i’m gonna be contributing to something fucked up, no matter what i do. im weird. and political. and opinionated. and into so many different things. which, y’know, should be cool and fun and fresh. but it terrifies me to know that other people arent like me. that they many never understand my interests. and i feel like this with EVERYONE in EVERY class. unless i see a similar interest. or a tiny flag. but the thought of introducing myself again and again. to more people. who i may never fucking see again. who probably dont care about me. kinda discourages you a bit. so yeah, i really wanted to off myself. it seemed so impossible to get through everything. and then heyyy, near the end of the year, something really shitty happened. was depressed. told my mom i may be autistic... “okay...well....getting diagnoses takes a lot of money. so unless you have 700 bucks laying around....then no.” (who says the person who may ALSO be autistic along with me) few weeks back, talking about my therapist who wanted to talk through the DSM-4 with me “you really think you’re autistic huh.” of course mom. why else would i have written a paper about it, followed actually autistic accounts, and done research on it.

then near the next year, i sucked even more ass. friend shit broke me down and i felt....like i fucked up. which i did. and like i cant keep people in my life. (which is partially true) and i felt more physically exhausted than i had in literal years. i feel very deeply, and especially with negative emotions. so that really fucked me up. (may be something more serious, i have no idea) so there’s that. i just....i’ve never felt like i had been so awful in some time. like i let everyone around me down. so no more of /those/ situations. i dont sleep correctly when my hair is wet, so you can imagine how my dreams were THAT night.

but yeah, i dont feel like wanting to kill myself again. because i know it’s not worth it. but something just keeps pulling me deeper into these disgusting pits of awfulness. like there’s no other way out. (wrong) and gritting my teeth and willing myself to do things is going to hurt, but it’s quite literally the only choice i have. i cant give up. so there’s that. my thoughts and everything. yeah.....it’s 5:10 in the morning, im going the fuck to sleep.