#literally have to stay quiet and hyper aware of my environment cause people might walk in at literally any time and i cant do anything

[atomickingwombat]

Uhhhhhh I need to get fucked NOW. Ignoring how scared I am of people I need to get PLOWED. I NEED SOMEONE TO PIN ME DOWN ON MY STOMACH AND FUCK ME UNTIL I CANT WALK. And then I need them to take us out for half off appetizers from Applebee's after. And then we go home and fuck AGAIN.

[an-evolutionary]

dear dog lovers

I went to work back at the candle shop today. I'd decided to take on a few hours per week again, to make some more money to help pay my insurance premiums.

the shop is in a new location with a main floor and a basement. my boss, the business owner, is a dog owner and a dog lover, and she regularly, pretty much daily, brings her dog mooki to work with her. mooki is a border collie mix, friendly, quiet, affectionate, calm. my boss's best friend also has a dog, a little black terrier named lulu. lulu is nervous, protective, easily startled, aggressive. my boss brings both lulu and mooki to work (they keep each other company) and they stay in the basement by her desk with some breaks out in the backyard. my boss is a long time dog lover, and both mooki and lulu are like a part of her family along with lulu's owner.

since my last visit in november, I'd forgotten this fact about the dogs typically being on the new premises. mooki has never frightened me, is easygoing, and even has shown me affection, but every single time I've met lulu (lulu's owner used to come by the old shop often, with lulu unleashed) the terrier has reacted negatively to me, growling and snarling and yapping and lowering herself aggressively. this is even without cause. every time I "re-meet" her, I try again to start fresh, act calm, don't move threateningly, etc. but to no avail - she just Really Doesnt Like me. today was no exception.

I get scared of dogs extremely easily. I can handle gentler breeds like golden retrievers and border collies, but most dogs genuinely frighten me. and I don't mean a hesitant resolvable shyness -- I mean a full blast heart literally pounding, ready to scream, sprint or freeze kind of adrenaline fear response. dogs just barking from behind fences give me this reaction, and I get incredibly incredibly tense when I have to pass dogs on the sidewalk or be around them in a park, doubly so if the animals are unleashed. i'm always very unnerved meeting dogs of friends or family unless they're one of the above two breeds, and even then I stay cautious even if a dog does seem to get used to me. I never realised until recently the extent to which I try to keep these fears hidden when I'm around loved ones who have animals. a couple good friends of mine are dog lovers, and I always felt that my tentativeness around their dogs has always seemed to come across as puzzling if not pathetic, though they might not say as much.

when I was very little my cousin's dog, a female pit bull (pit bull mix I think?) named murphy, would bark and yelp incessantly in my face whenever we visited. and I mean I was properly *little* as in the dog was way bigger than me; a fierce looking dog barking full volume in your face when you've grown up in a family with zero four legged pets is no easily forgettable early experience. once when I surprised murphy after a nap, she bit my forearm. my neighbor also had a dog (I forget what breed) that was extremely aggressive and territorial -- they would let it run around their yard and the street unleashed, and if I got too close to the yard it would run toward me, I would freak out and turn away, and it would chase me down the street til I cried.

I know that dogs can sense fear, and I do honestly know all the things one *should* do when faced with an unfamiliar or aggressive/nervous dog, but as soon as i'm in actual situations with dogs, especially if they're already running or barking, my intellectual grasp of those things goes completely out the window. I revert to being the terrified 4 year old who got bit in the arm and who eventually stopped being friends with the neighbor because she was too afraid to ring the doorbell and get a barking dog barrelling down the front hallway.

fast forward to today: lulu put up with me fairly enough whenever my boss or manager were in the same space with me. however as soon as I was ever alone near lulu - coming out from a workroom where I had been filling orders, or moving to go up or down the stairs to switch tasks - out came the bared teeth and the growls and the aggressive posture, with no initial provocation on my part besides my walking through the room. my manager noticed it once and ordered lulu to back off, but later, after lulu growled at me for about 2 minutes when I was trying to go up the stairs past where she was sitting, I literally half-ran around the corner, barricaded myself in the workroom, and braced up my courage for 10 min in order to use my cell phone to call the business phone upstairs, to ask my boss to let me upstairs past lulu. of course once my boss opened the stairwell door, lulu was reactionless and let me pass, and my boss promptly laughed it off, seemed not to believe me really, and said I was letting lulu get away with making me scared.

I didn't realise how much all this affected me until I got inside my front door this evening, sat down on my couch and promptly cried and physically trembled for a good hour. I'd pent up THAT much fear and anxiety and hyper awareness from having this dog in my work space. four hours later and I am genuinely still trying to get my heart rate back to normal.

honestly the dog situation alone would have been enough, but looking back I think it was my boss's and manager's assumptions and reactions to it all that really did me in. the way in which they didn't take my fear seriously, and never asked if I was ok or whether I had any history with dogs or if they could change anything about the working arrangement. the assumption was that because mooki and I got along fine, lulu's aggression must just be a fluke or entirely my fault. if someone's afraid of dogs, it must be fear of every dog, right? if i'm that comfortable with mooki, my nervousness around lulu can't be that bad. and if lulu behaves negatively, it's automatically my fault.

so I hid my very real fear, even gulping back tears while I stocked shelves, because I felt like a stupid animal hater wimp who couldn't handle a little moody terrier.

I never realised before today, how much it bothers me when people assume that their dog friendly spaces are environments in which everyone else is also comfortable. I am not used to animals, I'm not obligated to become accustomed to other people's pet animals in my workplace if they make me uncomfortable, and people's nervousness around pets is something I wish pet owners would take more seriously, dog owners especially. yes I know that I can learn to be better around animals through exposure, but to make that work then actually *I*need to be the one to decide when I will interact with animals i'm wary of, and it should be with the help of an individual specialized in animal-human socialization, not courtesy of my boss laugh-shaming me for 'riling' her friend's dog at work. I refuse to spend workdays in fear because cantankerous lulu won't let me go upstairs to go pee.

going to try to screw up some more courage tomorrow and somehow write a polite email to my boss requesting that she arrange for lulu to spend the day elsewhere whenever I go to work there. I'm sticking to my convictions on this. if they think I'm being ridiculous, I'd like to trade places with them so they can comprehend how unnerved my body is after today. if she won't take this seriously then I won't work there.

fear of dogs is not a joke, people. it's really really not.

[thatfunkylesbianwriter]

Soft - DBH

This is a Good one, only slight angst lol. Its based on one of my favorite poems by John Keats

AO3

Pairing: Markus/Simon

Words: 1859

Warnings: Simon has anxiety 

------

If you ask around New Jericho, you’ll learn that people found Markus to be the image of strength and will. If you dug a little more, they’d also say he was surprisingly gentle. His words never cut or pushed them around, they were guiding nudges towards the right direction that inspired people to do the best they could and become the best version of themselves.

It wasn’t surprising that Simon tended to gravitate to the android leader. The caretaker android was gentle in words and actions, but his self-doubt clouded any intention of making a better, safer life for the androids that came to Jericho when it was young. He hated himself for it, but the risk of setting up his people up to fail was too much. When Markus arrived, everything changed. He gave off this bright aura that made Simon brave. He wanted to take action with the android, help him in his journey to free their people. The old leader dared to say that he had hope for the future of his people, despite the cold and cruel world deviants were born into.

That was months ago and Simon looked on a new world for androids and humans with a warm heart. He had helped Markus achieve what he one time called impossible and went through hell for it. If you ask him, he’d do it again in a heartbeat for his leader.

That determination and undying loyalty arose one day when Markus called him, asking for his company. These meetings weren’t strange for the two androids; in fact, Simon always looked forward to them. Markus always had something to do with human officials and politics, effectively taking him away from the little group they’d formed at Jericho.

It was fall again as Simon walked through the downtown streets of Detroit, the city quiet and still. Some humans had come back to stay in the city, but it was no longer the bustling and chaotic metropolis that it once was. Simon found he liked it this way better, the peace and calm.

As he approached his destination, he could see Markus’s figure standing tall in the plaza. Simon was overtaken for just a moment by his thirium pump regulator as it started to work faster, stopping just a few yards away. This wasn’t strange, either, for the android when he was with the leader; before he called the causes >--/admiration/--< and underlying >--/fear/--< when the Revolution was happening. Now, >--/nervousness/--< and something much warmer caused Simon’s regulator to speed up and make his systems whirl and fidget while he was around Markus.

Once the warning in his system passed, Simon continued on his way towards his friend—

>--/error/--/...searching.../--/companion/--<

Markus probably sensed someone approaching him as he turned around to face him with a smile broad as the sky. Every single time the two androids saw each other, they hugged, and Simon lived for these moments.

>--/Security/--/Relief/--/Joy/--/Lo/--/error/--<

Markus’s hug might have been brief but it lingered on Simon’s skin, ghosting his shoulders with static electricity, as they started to walk side by side. The leader might have been a man of few words to some, always contemplating what he said next, but with the caretaker android, he could literally not shut up.

He talked about anything and everything with Simon, new laws that were in pending for android rights, the turbulent effects of the environment, paintings and sculptures he was planning, even the various animals and pets he had the pleasure of meeting. His words were colorful and excited, the mismatched eyes bright in the rising sunlight. To Simon, he was the most… >--/...searching.../--/exquisite/--< person he had ever met.

“How have you been, Simon? I feel like I haven’t talked to you in ages,” Markus was beaming at the android and Simon’s hands twitched at how he said his name with such fondness.

>--/error/--/ve/--<

They sat on a park bench, Simon, with his hands in his lap, and hyper-aware of the right hand that rested across the back of the seat from Markus and near the middle of his shoulder blades with his left foot propped up on his knee. The android rarely sat so casually; his reputation and image meant a great deal to him if he was to be the leader of all androids. A part of Simon burned with satisfaction that Markus was comfortable enough to relax in his presence. But in this close proximity, his pump regulator picked back up again and caused the poor android to wring his hands and pick at the cuff of his jacket sleeve.

“Good, good,” he managed to say, thirium moving fast and hot in his veins, “I’ve been, um, reading… books.”

Markus gave him a look and replied with a teasing voice, “Books, you say? They must be very interesting, Simon.”

The android let out a shaky breath and forced out a cough to cover it up, flicking his eyes away from his companion’s smiling face. It was like he was intentionally trying to make Simon overheat with how he said his name like he was the only one in the world that actually mattered.

“Yes! Uh, I mean yes, ” Simon coughed again and looked to the trees above him and hoped their ways of rooting into the earth would help him stay grounded, “Josh recommended some poetry books to me and I find the Romantics to be the most interesting so far.”

Markus hummed in approval and something swelled within Simon, >--/L--/error/--ve/--<. “I used to read a selection of them to Carl when he was painting in his workshop, especially when he was doing nature scenes. Please, tell me, who’s your favorite so far?”

The question made him retreat into his mind and search the files of poetry that he kept saved, trying to find the right one. In reality, Simon had spent hours upon hours just reading in the library because the humans were right, there was nothing like holding a real book in your hands. He would start in the morning and by night, he’d be surrounded by a fortress of stacked books of various lengths and genre. When Josh did recommend the selected poems of Romantics that he once taught in his classroom, Simon could not stop going through the volumes he could find and resources online. He was nose deep in a massive collection of William Blake in lieu of his daily cleaning ritual.

>--/...searching.../--/file located/--<

Before saying anything, Simon took his counterpart in little by little. Markus was tilted towards Simon now, his knee coming up on the bench and just barely touching the side of his thigh with the leg stretched out. Hip to shoulder, neck to chin, lips to nose, Simon slid his eyes along the android until he reached his eyes, daring to look his green one.

>--/beautiful/--/lovely/--/always/--/always him/--<

He fidgeted, a lump catching in his throat. Simon had waited too long for this moment, self-doubt had sown the idea that his bond with Markus was only that of comradery in a time of panic. That Markus couldn’t look at him without remembering all those deviants that died for the cause and was left with a weak android he had to visit from time to time out of guilt. These thoughts had played with Simon’s head for months and he couldn’t take it anymore, couldn’t believe them with Markus looking at him with undivided attention.

>--/love/----/i love i love i love/--/him/--/i love him/--/i love him/--/i love him/--<

Holding out a hand, Simon felt the familiar burn of bravery pushed his words forth, “I’d rather show you, if that’s alright?”

Something flashed across the android’s face, too fast for Simon to really understand it. The hand that rested behind him rose, brushing ever so slightly against the back of his neck, before coming in front of the two men. As their hands approached, the synthetic skin retreated and started to glow a faint blue, getting brighter and brighter as they closed the distance-

<<--/Markus/--/surprise/--/amusement/--/fondness/-->>

Simon couldn’t breath; he was drowning in him, falling deeper into that beautiful mind. Markus changed his grip on his companion’s hand, tucking Simon’s hand into his own and ran soothing circles over the knuckles. <<--/Encouragement/-->> passed from Markus and all Simon could do was focus on their conjoined hands as he accessed the file.

>>--/Bright star, would I were stedfast as thou art— Not in lone splendour hung aloft the night/--<< >>--/And watching, with eternal lids apart, Like nature's patient, sleepless Eremite,/--<<

The android leader’s eyes opened wide, <<--/disbelief/-->>, and Simon dared not to look at him as his feelings were finally laid bare, >>--/longing/--/anxiety/--/fear/--<<

>>--/The moving waters at their priestlike task Of pure ablution round earth's human shores,/--<< >>--/Or gazing on the new soft-fallen mask Of snow upon the mountains and the moors—/--<<

He felt Markus’s hand shift again, now intertwining their fingers as he brought them to his lips in a gentle press, earning a low groan from Simon as his other hand gripped onto the bench seat like his life depended on it.

>>--/No—yet still stedfast, still unchangeable, Pillow'd upon my fair love's ripening breast,/--<< >>--/To feel for ever its soft fall and swell, Awake for ever in a sweet unrest,/--<<

Emotions were passed rapidly between them like lovers sending letters; ><--/heat/--/devotion/--/hunger/--/rapture/--/desire/--/love/--/love/--/LOVE/--><

>>--/Still, still to hear her tender-taken breath,/--<< >>--/And so live ever—or else swoon to death./--<<

The file was swept away as the two androids collided, kissing frantically with a hand that wound through blonde hair to keep him in place and another grasping wildly at the leader’s shoulders to get closer. It was dizzying as Markus continued to kiss him with a crushing force and holding him so tightly that Simon felt like he was going to burst. ><--/Love/-->< kept bouncing back a forth and he could’ve died happy right then in his companion’s arms.

Markus thought different once warnings of overheating and stress overload were imminent passed between them. His partner was too disoriented to do anything about it, the fact that Markus was still in his head, still wanting him, clouded any rational thought or action. Just as fast as it started, Markus pulled away and disconnected, leaving Simon panting and gripping tightly on his shoulder. It took a minute for Simon’s processors to cool down and his pump regulator to take a step down as Markus rubbed soothing circles into his hand and forearm.

Markus’s eyes were half-lidded and burning into Simon’s as he held the android’s face, making the android’s pump regulator jump at the sight, “How long?”

“Since the beginning.”

And damned were the consequences as Markus reached in again and caught Simon’s lips with his own. These kisses were slow, coaxing Simon to relax his grip until he practically lounged in his companion’s arms.

Yes, the leader of New Jericho was very a gentle man, but everyone knew he was especially so with the very soft and quiet Simon.