#literally arrived feeling sick and had to sit through ~6 hours of class feeling like death

[fingertipsmp3]

At least I can cling to the fact that no matter how bad things get, it’s not October 2021 anymore

[stylesluxx]

waiting – p.lahote

[warnings: poorly written angst and like one swear]

summary: in which y/n is tired of waiting for paul | requested!

word count: 2,688

masterlist

Paul moved in next door when you were eight, so you can't say that you knew him your whole life but it felt like it. You two were inseparable. If people saw Paul, they saw you. The only time you two might be separated is when you're in your respective homes, but even then Paul stayed at your house a lot.

When your parents went through their divorce, Paul was your shoulder to cry on. His parents went through a divorce and that's how he ended up in La Push. He knew the sadness you were feeling and was always there. He's the main reason you wanted to stay with your dad, so you'd still be neighbors. Your mom was only moving to Seattle but you didn't think you could be away from Paul.

While your parents were separating and settling everything, you two would have movie nights, dinner dates, walks, literally anything that would distract you from whatever was happening at home. He was always the one to initiate it and he was so thoughtful. He was your anchor.

And when he was getting into more and more arguments with his dad, you'd sneak him in so he could sleepover and clear his head. Paul was always easily angered but it just got worse as he grew up, so the arguments got more and more intense. The fights became so frequent that your dad eventually found out you were sneaking him in but he never questioned it, just told you that you didn't have to sneak him in anymore. And if it was a school night, Paul would leave early the next morning, so that he could get ready and walk back to your house since you were his ride.

It was one of those days. He left around 6:30 to go shower and eat but was back at your house at 7:30 on the dot.

"You okay? You look sick," You asked him.

His face was red but he wasn't angry, and his eyes were low as if he were tired.

"I don't feel good. I don't feel sick but I just feel weird. I saw my dad and just I don't know... felt disgusted. I don't know. Let's just go," He tried to articulate but failed.

He trudged over to your car and got in the passenger seat. You followed and got in the driver's side, starting the car but not pulling off right away. You sat for a second and looked over at him.

"Do you want to stay home? I'm sure Dad wouldn't mind," You asked, eyebrows furrowed in concern.

"No, I'm okay," He huffed and looked out his window.

You hesitantly nodded before putting your seatbelt on and pulling off.

Once you got to the school, you both got out of the car and grabbed your bags. As you walked toward the building, you wanted to reach for him and wrap an arm around his waist like you normally did but decided against it.

You went to your lockers and then met back in homeroom, where he immediately rested his head on the desk. And within seconds he was quietly snoring, making you chuckle and shake your head.

The rest of the day went by like this until you were in algebra. The other teachers had let Paul rest but this one wasn't having it with him today. He had been pestering Paul to wake up every ten minutes and you understood why but you also just wanted him to leave your friend alone; he was clearly having a rough day.

You were working on a problem when Paul shot up from his seat next to you and started to make his way to the door. Startled, you didn't say anything and just settled with the thought that maybe he was going to grab some water. But the teacher wasn't going to let him slip away that easy. You sighed and started packing up you and Paul's things; you knew this probably wouldn't end well.

"Mister Lahote, you can't just walk out of class," His words stopped Paul, whose hand was on the doorknob.

"Who's gonna stop me?" Paul challenged and turned back to face the teacher who was looking beyond awestruck.

"Paul, relax," You spoke up and quickly walked over to him, his bag on one shoulder and your bag on the other.

"No, he's been bothering me all-"

"Okay, let's go," You cut him off and dragged him out of the classroom.

You gave the teacher an apologetic look but caught the eye of Jared Cameron. He wasn't someone you'd talk to on a regular but he also wasn't someone you avoided. You looked away, assuming he was just another nosy classmate, nothing more.

"Hey what's wrong with you? You can't just snap at teachers like that!" You scolded Paul but he just rolled his eyes as if he were being reprimanded by a parent.

"I need to go," He said and took his bag from your shoulder.

"We only have two more periods left," You tried to reason. "We can hang out in the library for the rest of algebra-"

"I need to go."

His voice was solid and unwavering so you knew there was no arguing with him.

"Alright, I'll take you. Come on."

You took the risk and reached to hold on to his wrist as you walked out of the building. He didn't protest and only pulled away once you got to the car.

"My house or yours?" You asked him once you got close to home.

"Mine."

You simply nodded and pulled into his driveway. It was weird that he didn't want to go hang out at your house but today wasn't the day to question him.

"I'll be back after school," You told him and watched as he got out the car.

He grabbed your hand and squeezed it before shutting the door behind him and walking into his house.

A small smile graced your face as you drove back to the school and carried through for the rest of the day. You thought it meant that he'd be okay and maybe he was already starting to feel better. You didn't think it meant he'd disappear for weeks.

You arrived back at his house after school, knocking on the door and ringing the doorbell feverishly but you never got a response.

"Alright well, I'll just leave your homework here then. See you tomorrow? Text me," You sighed and set the papers down.

You placed a rock on top of the papers so they wouldn't fly away and walked back to your car.

Maybe he was sleeping or maybe he went out. But his truck was there. It never crossed your mind that he was ignoring you, especially since you did nothing to him.

The next morning came and it was radio silence from Paul. It was 7:30 and he still wasn't at your house. Maybe he got into a fight with his dad and was running late. But he always texted you when he was going to be late, no matter what. If he was a minute late, you'd get a text. But today you got nothing. It was 7:40 when you texted him, saying you'd leave with or without him at 7:50.

You wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt since he had a rough day yesterday but it was hard when he didn't communicate with you.

At 8:00, you stood up from the couch and turned the tv off. You walked to the door and snatched your bag from off the floor and stormed out the house, slamming the door shut behind you.

If there was anything you hated, it was your time being wasted and your kindness being taken for granted.

Your spot was still empty when you got to school but you didn't see Paul's truck. So he must've still been home. And Paul wasn't the type to come late. If he was already an hour behind, he just wasn't going.

It was weird spending a month looking for someone you were usually attached at the hip to. For a month, he wasn't in school and his truck never moved from his driveway. You tried texting and calling but the texts never delivered and you were always sent straight to voicemail. And you didn't want to ask his dad where he was simply because you didn't like him so at this point you didn't even know if he was alive.

Friday morning, Paul walked through the main doors, Jared Cameron by his side, laughing up a storm and looking smug.

You wanted to confront him, you really did, but seeing him so happy halted you where you stood. After seeing how miserable he was the last time you saw him, you didn't want to bother him. And if he had to be away from you to be happy, you'd accept it, even if you were stuck in a void.

You never really sat down and processed how Paul's absence affected you. But seeing him, everything was starting to crumble. He left and it was so abrupt and unwarranted. You questioned if it was something you did even though you knew you didn't do anything. Maybe you weren't there for him in the way he needed you to be. The way Jared supposedly was. You were angry, sad, and confused but at the same time, you were relieved. It was good to see him safe but you couldn't shake the feeling that you were unwanted.

For a month it felt like you were drifting away, here but not really. And now it felt as if you were sinking and quickly.

You pulled your hood on over your head and slammed the locker shut. You walked to homeroom, weaving in and out of people so you could get a spot in the back of the classroom.

Sitting in your usual spot was no longer an option since it seemed like Paul was avoiding you at all costs. And if he wants to play that game, you can play it ten times better.

Avoiding Paul was easy since he seemed he wasn't even worried about you. But avoiding all the eyes of your nosy classmates was a task itself.

At lunch, you couldn't even stay in the lunchroom. It was as if everyone was talking about you and Paul. You heard a few theories about why you weren't close anymore, all of which were silly. You overhead people saying that you finally confessed your feelings for him and he rejected you so now you're avoiding each other. But that one wasn't nearly as popular as the theory that Paul ditched you to go join a gang and do drugs.

It was all so tiring and eye-roll worthy, so you got up, tossed the food that you barely touched away, and walked out the lunchroom, not bothering to look back at all the eyes you knew were on you.

You started toward the lobby for the school, deciding it was time to go home. You should've figured it was going to be a bad day once you saw that Paul's truck wasn't in the driveway when you left for school.

You were halfway through the parking lot when you were stopped by someone calling your name.

"For fuck's sake," You mumbled to yourself and turned around.

It was a senior named Zander. While Paul was still your friend, he made it very clear how much he didn't like the older boy. He always just said he gives off weird vibes whenever you asked why he didn't like him. But now that you're standing in front of him, you completely understood what Paul meant.

"Hey," He said as he jogged toward you and when he stopped you finally got a good look at him.

His brown hair was styled into a quiff and his brown eyes pierced into with fake concern. Paul's eyes always matched his intentions, he was never one to fake anything. And despite Paul ghosting you, you were looking for him to come and save you.

"I'm sorry about what happened with Lahote," He continued.

At first, you were shocked by his boldness but you decided it'd be best to play dumb and mess with him.

"What happened with him?" You asked and titled your head to play the confused role perfectly.

"He like ditched you and joined a gang," He spoke as if that were the most obvious thing in the world.

"He ditched me? It's weird that you know more about my life than I do," You were being sarcastic but the boy in front of you just wasn't getting it.

"Well, enough about him. I was wondering if you'd let me take you on a date."

You were truly dumbfounded now. The jump from gossip to dates gave you whiplash. In what world did he think that that was a good segway?

"Uh... I'm actually really busy. I just started a new job that I'm already running late to so I'll see you-"

"I've been wanting to ask you but you've always seemed so attached to Paul like you couldn't breathe without him. Maybe if you started talking to other people, you wouldn't be so dependent on him," He scoffed.

"Are you, like, kiddi-"

"Paul!"

You sighed at the sound of another voice and looked over Zander's shoulder. Paul was storming down the steps of the school with his new best friend in tow.

"What part of 'no' don't you understand?" He hostilely questioned Zander, getting in his face.

"And look who it is. The boy that ditched his only friend to go do drugs. Honestly, I don't think you have any say in what she does," Zander bit back, not stepping back from a fuming Paul.

Now that the boy was standing next to you, you noticed how different he looked. He grew a few inches and now towered over you. He was muscular, not scrawny like he was a few weeks ago. And if your eyes weren't deceiving you, he had a tattoo that was peeking out of the short sleeve.

Paul's face was now a bright red and his entire body was shaking profusely. You've seen Paul angry but you've never seen him like this.

"Paul?" You called out and looked up at his face. "Paul, are you okay?"

"Paul, not here,” Jared tried to get through to him.

You moved yourself to stand in between the two boys since you saw that neither was going to back down.

"Paul," You spoke calmly and looked up at his eyes.

He looked down at you, his eyes meeting yours, and he relaxed almost instantly. He stopped shaking and his face was back to a gentle composition.

"Freaks," Zander mumbled and walked by to the school.

You took a step back from Paul now that you had space behind you.

"You okay?" You asked, your eyes never leaving his.

"Y-yeah-"

"Great," You nodded and moved to go around him and to your car. You didn't want to talk to him any more than you needed to. What did you have to talk about unless he was apologizing?

"Y/N, wait!" Paul objected and grabbed your arm, pulling you back to face him.

"Wait for what? Don't you think I've done enough waiting, Paul? I waited around for you for far too long. And now you only want to admit I exist when some other guy wants to talk to me? We're not friends anymore. You made that very clear. I've waited for you but now I'm done," You ranted before looking back at Jared. "Good luck with... whatever."

You pulled your arm out of his grip and stalked to the car just as the rain started.

"Wasn't even supposed to rain," You mumbled to yourself and pulled out of the parking spot.

As you drove out of the parking lot, you watched as Paul stood there, mouth agape. You watched as he got smaller and until you eventually didn't see him anymore.

Now he'd know how it felt to be left stranded and waiting.

[AN: I don’t think I’m gonna write a part two for this just because it’d be super cliche and I try to avoid stuff like that lol. but shoutout to the anon that requested this because this inspired me to write; I’ve been trying to write for like a month or two now but like I’ve been stuck. and also to the anon that sent the embry request, I didn’t forget about you ! xoxo]

[sekceesimps]

A Rose Made of Chains Ch 4

a/n hey all, thanks for 125 followers! Publishing Ch 5 tomorrow night. Might be a delay for Chapters 6 and 7 because of classes and depression. Hopefully I’ll be able to get that out soon. 

This part will lack Kurapika and dive more into reader’s relationship with Chrollo as well as the Phantom Troupe. Hope you all enjoy! 

sincerely Coffee

Kurapika x Reader x Chrollo - Soulmate AU

Part 1:   Teaser,    Ch 1,     Ch 2,     Ch 3  

Part 2:  teaser,   Ch 5,    Ch 6,   Ch 7

Weeks. It had been weeks of you being left here in the dark damp room. After your initial failed escape plan, the man who came and hurt you everyday, whom you later learned was named Feitan, had begun to bring you a small piece of the morning newspaper. It was your only source of entertainment as well as knowledge about the outside world. Nothing significant ever happened, you just looked at the date and tried to distract your mind with the light read. 

It was getting colder too. You could feel the chill of the outside in your room. There was always a bite in the air that you felt in your bones whenever the door opened and Feitan came in. The nice man named Chrollo had offered you a real blanket once. You had shrugged him off, trying to hold onto your last shreds of free will. Your sensible side always got angry and screamed at you to accept the heat. 

Chrollo came almost everyday and repeated his offer to you. Everytime you would say no, but he would still stay. He was the only form of comfort in the cold darkness so naturally you clung onto it, quite literally sometimes. 

Some days he would stay silently by the door and read. This could be silently or out loud to you, it would vary. He always came in with a different book, always mentioning the importance of reading whenever you asked about it. Other days he would ask you about your life and in turn he would answer perhaps one question that you asked about his favorite things. You deduced that he was probably incredibly disinterested in topics regarding himself. You didn’t mind, he had a smooth voice and you had missed having conversations. Once he had even brought you a set of chess for the two of you to play. You could tell that he enjoyed spending some time with you. 

There was another time when you had visibly shivered due to the cold right in front of him. He let out a little grin and hugged you, simply saying that his warm body could easily give you more heat than your clothes. You had clung onto him for what felt like hours all while he whispered sweet nothings into your ear. 

It was one day you were feeling resistant when you asked about his past that he had seemed incredibly off-put. You made the stupid mistake of pressing further and asking about what would happen to you if you kept saying no to his offers. It fueled you to edge him on even if you knew it could lead to your demise. His eyes had held a dull fire as he left and slammed the door shut behind him. Perhaps your taunting had been a little too much.  

He didn’t come back for a week. When he was gone Feitan also stopped bringing the med kit. This made your wounds more aggravated and the torture much more painful. It was slowly breaking down your body and will. The food given to you also was much less nutritious. It was clear that these people, if you could even call them that, no longer cared for your well being. So they’ve decided that they no longer need me, huh, I really am going to die here. 

Surprisingly you were okay with this. The pain was numbing and prevented you from really thinking about anything else. When your injuries had been lighter, you still had the ability to think of rescue and your friends. Now even the thought of your soulmate sent lightning hot flashes of pain through your body. Looking at your soulmark made you want to throw up, since you would have to see the mark of the 12-legged spider right next to it. You sigh and curl up onto the icy floor. Your clothes were damp and bloody, making the chill in your bones even greater. At least when Chrollo came he would allow you to get a new shirt if it had gotten too bloody. You wouldn’t even get to die with your dignity now. 

He had come in rather uneventfully. Quietly closing the door behind him. He came to your room and opened his book. Silent, more silent than usually. It confirmed your suspicion that they were finally going to get rid of you once and for all. 

“Yes,” you voice out weakly. You refused to say more. Your will had given out, but you knew in your soul that if you stayed here any longer then you would die, either from the neglect or from your wounds and the sickness you knew was growing within them. This man could make the excruciating pain go away and all you wanted to do was hope that he would keep his word. Hope was something you had gone dry of. 

He turns back, raven locks slightly obscuring his gleaming eyes. He had the faintest smile on his face, “I’m glad.” He walked towards you slowly, as if you were a wounded animal, which in all honesty you probably looked like right now. He leaned down at your level and gave you a hug. His warmth and smell invade every part of your body. You didn’t mind because now you might survive, “Let me take you to your new room,” his smile grew larger and now more sincere as took your hand, hoisting you up. 

You tried to move, but your legs didn’t seem to listen to your brain and you promptly fell down. You scrunch your eyes close and expect your face to get smashed onto the ground, a final embarrassment. Surprisingly, Chrollo had caught you. You suppose that he decided that you wouldn’t be able to walk on your own so he carried you bridal style. How his lean frame managed to support your entire body weight surprised you. His mellow scent slowly eased you to sleep in his arms. This would be the first night's sleep in a while where you felt genuinely secure. 

»»————-　　————-«« 

Waking up in this new room was bliss. You don’t remember being in as much ease and comfort before. The bed was empty but a window allowed for a single ray of light to come in. You hadn’t been around true sunlight in so long. Your mind briefly wandered to where you could possibly be but that thought was pushed away with a loud growl of your stomach. Oh right, you think, I need to eat something. You got up slowly from the bed and started walking towards the door. You turned the knob slowly, expecting to get electrocuted or something.   

You opened it and padded slowly down the hall hoping to run into Chrollo or at least get to a kitchen-like area on your own. He had probably changed you in your sleep as you were now wearing real clothes in the form of sweatpants and a huge shirt. It was a huge step up from your tattering bloody rags. You kept trudging on and eventually found yourself in what looked to be a common room area. The hallways so far seemed to indicate that this place was an old hotel or maybe a dorm room. You weren’t too sure, honestly you didn’t even know if you were still in York New City. 

The air here smelled damp and sour, like people who sweat and had just exercised lay down on the couches and let their stink stay permanently. I hope I don’t smell like that you thought briefly before you made a left and found yourself in a kitchen. 

Maybe I should have waited for Chrollo, you scolded yourself as you look through the pantry for something good to eat. You had been starved for weeks after all. As you finally reach for a bag of pop tarts on the shelves you hear someone walk in. You quickly grab it and attempt to make yourself as small and non threatening as possible. You take in the appearance of the people who had come into the kitchen, a familiar pink haired woman as well as a short haired blonde woman who had an interesting form of clothing. The pink haired one only chuckled at your meek demeanor and gave you a hand with the food. 

“Paku, this is Y/N, our newest and most gorgeous recruit” she announced lightly and moved to heat up your pop tarts. 

“Pleasure to meet you,” her calming voice was directed at you. You smiled loopily at the blonde, she was hot you think to yourself.  

“All done! Time to go to the meeting,” she called out to you and handed you a plate of your steaming breakfast. Lightly patting your head, trying not to startle you too much. They’re both so hot, you continue thinking. Their stares make you feel overwhelmed, you don’t remember ever being around such beautiful people. 

“Meeting?” you ask weakly as you take a bite. The sugary flavor explodes in your mouth making you let out a soft moan from the happiness of it. 

She and Paku share a smile before saying, “The leader called a few of us to a meeting, just some basic introductions is all.”  you only nod and continue eating. When you finish you hurriedly clean your space and let Paku and the pink haired woman named Machi lead you expertly through the halls of this new home.  

You come across a large empty space with some rubble and chairs where Paku lets you sit in between her and Machi. They had made pleasant small talk with you through the walk and gave you a vague idea of the layout of the area. You were definitely going to get lost but they had put you in so much ease that you felt safe with them leading the way. You had been the first to arrive and sat together in a peaceful atmosphere. 

As time goes by, some people start trickling into the meeting space. You take note of a person wrapped up in bandages as well as a girl with glasses in a cute black turtleneck. A very large man with strange looking ears had come in last. They had greeted your companions and had largely ignored you before sitting down. It wasn’t until a few minutes later that your savior had come in looking quite different. He seemed quieter and more serious, but his entire look had changed. His normally loose raven locks were now slicked back on his head. He seemed less human this way, but if he was really the boss then it didn’t surprise you too much that he looked the way he did. His entire aura simply radiated authority, but in a subtle way. You had noticed how everyone in the room had perked up and stood at attention when he had come in. Even the aloof looking girl in glasses was paying attention.

“Good morning,” he remarked in that familiar smooth voice. You crooned on the inside just hearing it. “As you all know we have our newest potential member here to perhaps take spot number 11,” he stopped briefly as everyone in the room nodded their heads slightly, “and to make sure that she is fit to take that place, I want her to go on her very first mission as a sort of recruitment exercise. It will be a perfect way to test her skills and get her comfortable with the rest of us,” he didn’t look at you but at this point everyone in the room was beginning to glance your way, trying to see what kind of reaction those words would elicit. You remained unmoved by his words, trying to keep a stoic demeanor. “It’s going to be a difficult mission that will only require one other member. Their job is to just assist, but not lead, I want Y/N to do that,” he finished as he looked at you for the first time since he came in the room. His eyes held pride, you knew that he believed you would pass this test. Your lips curved into the smallest and softest of smiles. He continued, “I don’t plan on assigning anybody, so whoever wants to go can just volunteer.”

Machi raised her hand swiftly. She smiled at you and announced, “I’ll go with Y/N,”

Chrollo nodded at her and replied, “Very well, everyone else may leave and go about their business for the day. Machi and Y/N, stay so I can tell you what I want from you two.” With that the rest of the group made their way out of the room. Paku waved at you before also turning and leaving. 

“There’s going to be a museum showing some of the rarest objects in the hunter world. It’s nothing like the auction as these items are more private and are owned by famous pro-hunters. In turn the museum only allows pro-hunters in. I desire one of the rarest nen blades that’s currently being shown off for about 5 billion Jenny. I have the utmost faith in the two of you,” he grinned and left. Your stomach filled with dread, having no idea how you were supposed to complete this task. Machi grins at you too and pats your shoulder. 

“Good Luck, Y/N!” she laughs, “I’ll meet you back in your room in about an hour to discuss plans on entering tonight. I really like you so I hope for your sake that you can get the blade.” she leaves you to your worried deliberations. So this was the life of a thief huh? 

a/n sorry it took so long to get this out, we reached 100 followers much faster than anticipated. Thank you all so much for that we love every single one of you! However, we have gotten some rude comments regarding how long it has taken to publish this series. We assure you that we are trying our best to get this out to you (we're glad you're liking it •u•) but leaving rude comments was unnecessary. Again thank you so much for the support <3!

[bitterlikesweets]

Love Bites Ch 7

This is the seventh chapter of a modern/vampire AU ereri fanfic. You can also read it on Ao3. 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7

Next

There’s a typo in the first text that Eren sends to Levi. Determined to stop overthinking their interactions, Eren is quick with his fingers, typing out a brief message that only requires a quick glance at the screen.

That’s how ‘Be there in a sec’ became ‘Be there in a sex’. A slip of Eren’s finger ruined a perfectly good message.

Eren doesn’t notice until he’s buckling himself into his car and Levi responds.

'Don’t tell me that shit, kid.'

He spends the next few minutes trying to type out a response that doesn’t make him look like a complete fucking idiot, only to resign himself to the fact that there isn’t one. He explains that his finger slipped, but Levi doesn’t answer his text and Eren wants to chomp his stupid, clumsy fingers off.

When Eren gets to the restaurant, Levi is already waiting for him in the break room. He doesn’t say anything about the text as Eren quickly grabs a seat at the table, and Eren drinks in silence. He’s more than happy to pretend that it never happened.

When he feels Levi’s hands in his hair, he’s quick to pull away.

“I’ve got the night shift at an arcade bar,” he tells Levi, an answer to Levi’s raised eyebrow as he watches Eren hurriedly collect his things. “I’ve got to be there in half an hour.”

“Should we skip the lesson?” Levi asks.

“Unless you’ve got some quick advice, yeah.”

“Hmm,” Levi says, wiping his wrist with a napkin. “Lesson one for this week is proofread your texts.”

Eren splutters and aims a glare at Levi, who just stares at him as impassively as ever.

“Fuck you,” Eren says, and he marches out of the room before Levi has a chance to notice his blush.

Eren’s not sure if being pissed is any better than being embarrassed, but the annoyance does feel a bit closer to normal for him.

Lesson two takes place after Eren’s six o’clock statistics class. His warning text was safer this time—a simple ‘On my way.’ Levi is the one in a rush today; Isabel is off and he can’t leave Furlan being both a waiter and a chef for long. He talks while Eren drinks, and his hand is preemptively resting on the crown of Eren’s head, so Eren has to wait for the tug and pretend that Levi’s hand isn’t distracting him from properly listening to the man’s words.

Lesson two is about myths. Levi tells him not to worry about not appearing in mirrors and photos, but to be wary of any liquid claiming to be holy water.

“Can I turn into a bat?”

Levi scoffs.

“Maybe through reincarnation.”

The third day is more relaxed. Levi’s not rushing, and Eren has at least an hour until he needs to be at work, but Levi’s hand is still on his head from the start, and Eren suspects this is going to be part of their routine now.

The lesson is about partners. How to choose them and when to drink from them.

“Nobody anemic,” Levi says. “And never after they’ve had alcohol or drugs or any of that shit. You’ve got to wait until it’s out of their system, or you’re both going to feel fucked up once you’re done. Especially you, as the vampire, since you’ll already be half drunk with blood.”

The next day’s lesson is also about partners. But it’s also about Eren.

“You both need to know your limits,” Levi says. His voice is stern and his fingers tangle in the strands of Eren’s hair. “You need to be careful not to drink too much.”

There’s that tug at his scalp and Eren pulls back, swiping his tongue across the bite mark on Levi’s wrist.

“How do you always know when to stop me?”

“You slow down once you’ve had your fill,” Levi replies, “so it’s easy to notice. Normally it should take a few tries to figure it out, but you’re consistent.”

“What should I do if not everyone’s as observant as you?”

“They’ll get dizzy or weak and will know then that you’ve had more than necessary. But I’m hoping to have trained you to recognize the right amount on your own by then.”

“Sounds like work,” Eren grumbles, and he thinks Levi gave him a little extra today, because he feels more blood drunk than usual. “Why don’t you just stay my partner?”

Levi’s silence is sobering, and Eren nearly takes the words back.

“I doubt you really want that,” Levi says eventually.

“You don’t know that.”

“And you don’t either.”

Eren feels like he should argue with that statement, but he doesn’t know what to say. So he says nothing, and Levi doesn’t say anything either.

Day five’s lesson is not about partners. Levi is busy and impatient. His hand only falls upon Eren’s head when it’s time for him to stop. The man’s tone is clipped and stiff when he speaks, and Eren has to remind himself that Levi is just in a rush because Furlan isn’t there today, so there’s no substitute chef. It’s not at all because Eren said something stupid the day before.

Right?

The lesson is about turning people. A bite to the neck doesn’t automatically turn someone into a vampire, but Levi tells Eren that the blood spills faster there, so it’s easier to take too much. And taking too much from the neck creates new vampires. Something about the vampire healing saliva overcompensating for the blood it takes, enough of it that it overwhelms the human. There was something else too, about proximity to the heart.

Eren lays a hand over his chest. He forgot that there’s a heart in there. A heart that used to beat.

Levi watches him, tells him something else on his way out.

His heart can beat again, at least for a moment, but only at the cost of someone else’s. That’s what turning people is; a brief breath of life, gained by stealing someone else’s.

Eren touches the scar on his neck and feels sick to his stomach.

On day six, they’re both a bit calmer. The restaurant is busy, but Furlan and Isabel are as lively as ever, and they encourage Levi to take his time. They’re both used to Eren by now; they greet him with smiles whenever he arrives, and he feels guilty for not having any full conversations with them yet.

He feels that he is drinking slower than usual, but that doesn’t stop Levi from knowing when to stop him, detecting a change in speed that Eren is always too hazy-brained to notice.

“What am I learning today?” Eren asks, resting his head on the table.

Levi is walking around the room, probably choosing a weapon to reveal. He’s taken to finding them as he teaches, to save them both a bit of time. The weapon is usually a stake, but he’s also pulled out vials of holy water out of the filing cabinet in the corner a few times.

“I want to talk about turning again,” Levi says, and Eren frowns. He doesn’t like this topic.

“Okay.”

“It’s not always involuntary. Actually, it’s more likely to be voluntary these days.”

Eren’s frown deepens.

“Who would volunteer to be a vampire?”

“People who want to be immortal, usually. Sometimes they want the strength. Some just want to stay with the vampires they’ve partnered up with.”

Levi stops by a photo on the wall. Eren recognizes it as the one he knocked down when he threw the table over a week ago. The photo of Levi as a child, with the cardboard Kuchel’s Kitchen sign. Levi pulls it off the wall and flips it over, carefully removing a wooden square from the back of the frame.

“Have you ever thought about getting turned?” Eren asks.

Levi scoffs.

“Fuck no. A hunter becoming a vampire? I doubt anyone would even turn me.”

“What makes you say that?”

“No vampire in their right mind would want me to live forever. It’s in everyone’s best interest that I die someday,” Levi says, and his voice is completely calm, like he’s thought about it and accepted it.

Of course, it makes sense that Levi will die eventually. Levi is human. He’s going to grow old, just like everyone else. But the thought still puts a sour taste in Eren’s mouth.

Maybe it’s because Eren’s never going to grow old and die.

The weapon hidden in the picture frame is a knife, small and thin and sharp, but Eren isn’t looking at it. He’s staring at the table, twiddling his thumbs, thinking about how he’s not going to die and Levi is.

“What?” Levi says, coming to sit back down at the table. “You going to miss me, brat?”

“Yeah, maybe I fucking will,” Eren snaps, and he really doesn’t know why he’s so worked up over this because of course Levi’s going to die someday, he’s human—

A hand comes to rest on his head, heavy and familiar and comforting. And when Levi speaks, it’s like a sigh, with something in his exasperated words coming off as almost affectionate.

“You’re so damn honest.”

Eren shifts just enough to look at Levi, not wanting to lose the hand Levi is resting on him.

“Is that a bad thing?”

Levi huffs, but he sounds like he’s on the border of a chuckle.

“No. It’s refreshing. But you need to learn to take a joke.”

“I can take a joke,” Eren insists. “You’re just bad at telling them.”

“Oh, don’t turn your shit sense of humor back on me—”

“Wha—you’re the one who has the shit sense of humor!”

Their conversation devolves into half hearted insults that leave Eren laughing, and he’s so distracted by Levi’s teasing that he almost doesn’t notice the way the man’s hand lingers on his head, fingers combing through his hair.

They only stop when Furlan comes in, begging Levi to get back to work. Eren is still grinning on his way out.

~ ~ ~

The lights are off in Kuchel’s Kitchen on day seven. The day marks a month since Eren first met Levi. A month from the day he mistakenly ate garlic and tasted Levi’s blood.

Eren presses his face against the front windows of the restaurant, trying to see inside. The chairs are all flipped upside down and on the tables like they are after closing. He pulls his phone out of his pocket. It’s only eight. He sends another text to Levi, asking if everything’s alright. Levi simply texts him that he’ll be out in a minute.

Eren huffs a sigh, leaning against the brick wall of the restaurant.

The whole restaurant has a sort of old fashioned, cozy feel. The red bricks on the outside, the heavy wooden door with a literal bell hanging on the inside. The tables inside are all dark wood and thick red tablecloths, and there are black and white photos on the walls, most of people that Eren doesn’t know or recognize, though he has noticed a few of Isabel and Furlan on his trips to the break room. Eren can picture it all in his head fairly clearly, even without having to look through the window.

It’s different from the vibe he gets from Levi. The white and yellow tiled floor, the red walls… It’s colorful and bright, and it feels more like something Eren’s mom had decorated, rather than a no nonsense, practical man like Levi. The wallpaper even has fucking flowers on it.

And then there’s the name. Kuchel’s Kitchen. Who is Kuchel?

Eren thinks of the picture in the break room. The small kitchen, the cardboard sign. Little Levi, and the dark haired woman handing him a plate.

Maybe Levi’s mother helped him with the decor. Either that or Levi’s got a soft spot for flowery wallpaper and pretty colors.

It’s sweet, either way.

Eren hears the sound of the door unlocking, and he’s already looking when Levi steps out, the chime of the bell accompanying him.

“Sorry,” Levi says, beckoning Eren inside. “Isabel and Furlan said they both couldn’t make it to work, so I had to close early.”

“Are they your only employees?”

“They’re the evening shift,” Levi says, “I’ve got a few others that work during the day.”

Eren hums a little, casting a glance around the still darkened room.

“We could’ve met somewhere else if you wanted,” he says, and Levi just shrugs in response.

“I needed extra time to clean up around here anyway.”

They slip into their normal seats in the break room, and Eren leans onto the table, resting his chin in his hands as he watches Levi push up the sleeve of his shirt.

“I’m not busy today,” Levi says. “Are you?”

“No. No work and no school for me today.”

Levi nods, laying his arm across the table.

“Then, today, feel free to ask me anything you’re still not sure about.”

Eren pauses, his hands reaching for Levi’s arm.

“Is Kuchel your mom’s name?”

Levi’s entire body tenses, and Eren stops with his mouth halfway to Levi’s wrist.

“I meant questions about being a vampire, shitty brat.”

Eren tries to apologize, but Levi’s hand is on his head and he practically shoves Eren’s face into his wrist, stifling anything he was trying to say. Eren lets out a little grumble of protest, but he obediently sinks his fangs in. Levi sighs after a moment.

“...Yes, Kuchel is my mother’s name.”

Eren’s mouth is still occupied, so he squeezes Levi’s arm with his hands, hoping the man understands his request for the man to continue.

“You know that vampire hunting was the family business,” Levi says slowly. “My mother… she didn’t enjoy it. She was the one who taught me that vampires are still people. She learned all the tricks because she had to, but she only killed if it was absolutely necessary.”

Levi tightens his grip on Eren’s hair.

“She wanted an Italian restaurant. Went on and on about that shit. We’re not even fucking Italian, but that’s what she wanted. She started collecting shit—decorations and plates for her future restaurant. Started writing down recipes.”

Even in the midst of his explanation, Levi must be observing Eren, because Eren feels that familiar tug, that silent instruction to pull back. Eren does remove his teeth, complies with the obligatory healing lick, but he doesn’t pull all the way back. He keeps his head low, his lips pressed against the man’s pale skin.

“She was killed when I was a kid,” Levi says and the quiet statement hits Eren like a pound of snow dropped on his back. “She… she always tried to talk shit out, even in the midst of a fight. But there was no point to talking to the ferals. She knew that. She was just stalling—stalling so that my uncle could get me out of there. We all lived together. She was letting us escape.”

Levi takes in a shuddering breath, and Eren sits up, tries to look at him, but the man’s head is turned away. His hand falls away from Eren’s head, and Eren takes it, cradles it in his own.

“When you told me about your mom, I—it was too similar,” Levi says. “I looked at you, and I saw myself. That’s why I let you bite me.”

Eren’s stomach is a painful knot as he thinks about his mother, about that day, about how he couldn’t do anything for her. And he imagines Levi, just a little kid, watching it all play out, knowing exactly what was happening. He feels his own helplessness from the day he was turned and knows that Levi has felt the same. And his mother’s face, her scream are too vivid to Eren now. The images, the memories flash in his head and he squeezes his eyes shut, his hand tightening around Levi’s as his chest starts to burn—

“Sorry,” Levi says, and the word only makes Eren ache even more. “I shouldn’t have—it’s still fresh for you.”

“Don’t apologize,” Eren says, and the words are like a growl, far harsher than he meant to say them. Levi doesn’t even flinch at his tone, but Eren still pulls in a rough breath, trying to calm down, to stomp out the burning. “I’m glad you told me.”

Levi is looking back at him again, and in the place of his usual mask of indifference, Eren sees sorrow and guilt, even as he huffs a sigh and tries to change the subject.

“Didn’t mean to tell you my sob story today,” Levi says, and his voice is under more control than his expression is. “Let’s move on. What else do you want to know?”

The fire in Eren’s chest helps him answer.

“Tell me the best way to kill a vampire.”

[btsslowburnfic]

BTBY Chapter 3

Series Summary: For Namjoon, the moment he set his sights on being the #1 rapper, he pushed the symbol to the side and hated it. Love should be chosen, not forced on you. He didn’t believe in fate and this mark on his wrist was a big “fuck you” to all that.

Chapter Summary: Practice, Day one

Previous chapter found here

Robert’s studio had been fully cleared out for you guys. The three of you walked in and were greeted by the owner, Robert Mayes. “[Y/N] good to see you again, Xavier, always a pleasure, and you must be with the band,”

“Yes, it’s nice to meet you sir. I’m RM. Thank you so much for letting us use your space,”

“Ah it’s my pleasure. Really. You should thank [Y/N]. She coordinated all of our classes to be at their studio and my daughter is a huge fan.” he hands [Y/N] a set of keys. “I'll leave you to it. When is a good time for me to bring Ella by?”

You do some mental math. “Around 5 will be good. We’ll probably break for dinner at 6. Thanks again Robert,” you wave as he leaves the studio. Ok, time to do your job even with the grumpy jerk soulmate in tow.

“Alright guys, this way please. Restrooms are in this hallway along with showers if anyone needs one after practice. This room right here is where the back up dancers can get ready. They won’t be here again until tomorrow.  The kitchen is also on this floor. Catering is arriving with snacks and drinks in half an hour, dinner arrives at 5:30 with a 6 pm dinner time. The main rehearsal area and your guys green room is upstairs,” you review the location with them as you arrive at the stairs.

“Xavier would you mind waiting at the reception desk until Melinda gets here? She should be here in about ten minutes. I don’t want any studio clients accidentally showing up and not having anyone to talk to.” you rummage through your workbag as best you can with your bandaged hand, “here are some flyers with the alternate classes in case they are old school and don’t use the app.”

“Yep, you got it.” Xavier takes the flyers and heads back to the front door area.

You start walking up the stairs, “Come on, I have the main space blocked out already let’s go check it out.” you yell behind you. You reach the top of the stairs and continue the brief tour. “There are more bathrooms over there. The room over there is where you guys and your staff can get ready.  And this space,” you walk ahead to the large studio, “is the main dance room. I know it’s not even close to being the same as the venue, which I’m honestly still really pissed off about, but we are going to make it work.” you turn back and look at Namjoon taking the space in.

“Sorry about your arm,” he says, avoiding looking at you. “Do you actually want me to pay for it?”

For a moment you forget how to speak because you are so surprised he is being normal to you. “No thanks, I was joking. I mean it is $900 but it’s fine. I’ll just steal food from the catering service later,” you smirk at him.  “I can teach some standing classes for a while or fill in at the front desk. It will be fine. Ok, check the tape marks against where you guys normally are and see what you think. I can do minimal light and sound but that’s definitely Rafael’s strong suit. I’m going to get the mic pacs set up.” You walk over to the boxes you had set out earlier in the day and sit down next to them.

Namjoon works through the choreography lightly of the two songs they will be performing. You try not to look but you can’t help it. You really like watching people dance. And he’s a really good dancer even though he’s just lightly moving through the steps. You fight with the mic packs. They are very difficult to get tuned with one hand. Ugh. This is so frustrating.

To your pleasant surprise, Xavier, Rafael, and the rest of the group enter the silent room. Rafael heads straight for the console and starts setting things up. Xavier was trying to communicate with the guy you had learned was JHope. The bits of broken English are adorable. RM walks over and catches the band up on where they could take their things and get set up. Xavier comes over and starts helping you get the lav mics set up. “Thanks dude, this is really hard one handed.”

“It’s no problem. Oh my goodness, these guys are hilarious. I don’t speak Korean, clearly, but their energy is amazing.”

You smile as you are not having the same experience at all but you don’t want to be rude.

Once the lav mics are set up you grab your label maker. “Ok, go see if Rafael is ready and we’ll do just the choreography a few times through. I’ll go see if the guys are set up.” You get up and go downstairs to check in with Melinda about who to let in and when they should arrive and then head on up to the makeshift green room. You knock on the door and don’t hear any objections so you go in and see the guys finishing up a makeshift team meeting. “Alright? Ready?” you say, trying to keep the wording minimal.  

“Let’s go!” JHope yells excitedly. You can see why Xavier was having fun talking to him, his smile is infectious.

“Yeah ok, you know. Let’s go dancing,” the tall one who your research has told you is “Jin” joins in.  You laugh and turn to lead the way over to the practice area.

Xavier and Rafael get the lighting and sound set up once the guys are on their marks. They look so fucking cool. Having them in the studio makes it almost look like a stage. The music starts and they start the choreography. The first round is just to test the set marks, so it’s not the full moves. It looks like they are using it as a warm up but honestly it still looks amazing! Once the marks are all confirmed they run the full version. You sit there trying not to stare at RM but you can’t help it.  He looks so good. They all do, but you can’t take your eyes off of him. Damnit. Stupid rude soulmate. You sigh. Today was shit. Your wrist was throbbing, you had zero sleep, and your soulmate hated you.

“Alright that’s a wrap on that part guys. It looks amazing!” you give them a big  thumbs up. “Let’s get the lav mics on you guys and we’ll run with audio.”

You hand the labeled mics to each band member and help them get it adjusted as best you can. When you get to RM he takes the lav mic and becomes determined to place it himself. “Oh my goodness. You are ridiculous.” you say under your breath to him. “You better make sure that thing stays on,” you chide him.

“It’s not my first performance sweetheart, I think I can manage.” he responds arrogantly.

You roll your eyes and head on over to JHope who is much friendlier. “Thanks so much,” he says.

“You’re welcome,” you say smiling. Why are literally all of them nicer than your soulmate? You look over at him to see him giving JHope a death stare, which JHope returns by shrugging his shoulders confused. You move on to Yoongi who politely lets you place the mic.

“Alright, we are all set. Mic check please,”

“Ok let’s go,” you hear RM through the speakers. The other guys take turns speaking into the mics.

“Check check, Rafael?” he gives you a thumbs ok, “Ok. Let’s run it.” The music starts and this time it’s full choreography and singing.  The sound is really stable and they look great. About halfway through the second song, RM accidentally rips off his lav mic and yeets it to the floor.

“Stop.” you shout.

“Sorry guys. I’m sorry.”  He immediately stops and picks up the broken mic.

The guys are all breathing heavily and don’t seem too shocked by this turn of events, half of them wander off to grab some water.

You walk over and take the mic from RM’s hands. “I'm sorry.” he says to you and for a second you forget what a dick he’s been to you. You sigh examining the pac. “It’s fine. I have an extra one. This one is beyond my repair skills.” you walk over to the side of the studio and grab another one. You walk back over and look up at RM, “I’ll give you another. The deal is you have to let me put this one on, ok?”

For a few seconds he drops his “too cool” act “Yeah ok.” You reach around his back to reposition the lav mic and hand him the earpiece.

“Don’t worry, I won’t bite you.” you say as you readjust it along his back. You feel him relax a bit. “Unless you ask me to.” you wink awkwardly at him. He rolls his eyes at you.

“Thanks again for getting us this practice space. ” he says, surprising you,  

You finish the adjustment. “Just doing my job. Of course, the rest of my job is really hard with a splint on my wrist,” you give him a dirty look.

“I am sorry about that,” he says quietly.

You look around make sure no one else can hear you, “Look, it’s been a fucked up day for me too.” you look into his eyes, “ And I don’t want this either. I have a boyfriend actually and I like my job here a lot. You don’t have to worry about me chasing you down or anything.”

“Oh,” Namjoon is taken aback by this. He had always assumed if he ever met his soulmate and delivered the news he wasn’t interested, they would be heartbroken. Apparently not.

“Oh. Ok. Good.” is all he was able to get out.

You sigh as you walk back a few feet to make sure it looks ok with the lighting and everything.  “You should be all set now.” you turn to the sound crew, “Mic check! Take 3.” Namjoon does his mic check and it sounds great. “Ok everyone let’s run it from the top.”

You walk over to the front of the room to watch and listen to the full production. This day has been exhausting.  

Xavier sits down next to you and hands you a water. “Thanks dude,”

“These guys are fucking sick. They are favored to win their categories.”

“Really? That’s awesome. Do you have your outfit picked out?” You ask, embracing a moment of normalcy in your life.

“No, Joe and I are going tonight to look at rentals. Do you want to come?”

“No thanks, I haven’t seen Ben all week and I’m just going to wear something from my closet. I’m thinking my New Year’s Eve dress from last year.”

“Ooo that’s a good One. I’ll get a coordinating tie.” Xavier smiles at you. “Do you have a bias?”

“Uh what?”

“Haven’t you read upon this group? You pick a favorite and that’s your bias.” Xavier sips his iced coffee.

“That is ridiculous. They’re just people. Like every other group we’ve worked with,” you roll your eyes.

“I don’t make the fandom rules honey. My bias is Jimin. Look at that dancing.” Xavier proceeds to stare at Jimin for the remainder of the first song. “Ooooo but if there’s another one they’re your bias wrecker.”

“Please start speaking English again.” you playfully shove him.

“What were you and RM chatting about?” He arches his eyebrows up and down.

“Lav mics. And more specifically why I am the one who is supposed to place them and not overconfident performers,” you huff.

“I’m gonna put down Jhope as your bias and RM as your wrecker.”

You roll your eyes and stand up for the second song. Xavier continues to eyefuck Jimin.

You once again find your eyes drawn to RM. He’s not the best dancer but he’s taller than the rest of the guys and has a certain swagger when he raps that commands the room. It’s sexy as fuck and you get annoyed at yourself for thinking that. The second song ends. You, Xavier, and Rafael burst into applause.

“Great job guys! That looked and sounded Amazing. How did you feel about it?” you direct your question to RM so he can translate. He and JHope discuss a few things. You walk over to them to gather any feedback. Suga has wandered over to Rafael and is looking at the console with him. You giggle as you watch Xavier try and think of something to say to Jimin and you almost get secondhand embarrassed for him.

“Ok guys, any changes or anything?” you ask as RM and JHope grow quiet.

“No. We just need to run it again a few times. When our filming crew arrives they will record it for us to share online with ARMY so we want to make sure it’s good before then.”

“Ok. sounds good.” you take out your phone and rescan the schedule. “You have an hour and a half before they arrive so you just let Rafael know when you’re ready to go again for practice” your phone chimes, “I have to go meet with catering and I will be right back.”

The rest of the practice session runs smoothly. Their BTS production team arrives to film content for their fans and you and Xavier feel like a bunch of perverts watching them stretch but it doesn’t stop either of you from doing it.

“Oh my god you guys,” Rafael laughs at you two. “Stop.”

“Stop what?” you ask, trying to sound innocent.

Rafael rolls his eyes. “Y’all thirsty. Don’t you guys have boyfriends?”

“Our boyfriends do not look like that,” Xavier gestures to the group. You just grow red and try not to laugh and distract them.

“Stop it you guys. You’re being really unprofessional.” you say through suppressed laughter

“Yeah, stop it guys,” Rafael mocks you and the three of you laugh as their song wraps up.

“Great job!” you yell. “We have time for one more run through. Grab some water and we’ll do one more set before dinner.” You walk over to RM. “Hey, the studio owner’s daughter is here and I told her she could watch as long as she doesn’t take pictures or anything. Is that still ok? Did you check with everyone?”

“Yeah, that shouldn’t be a problem.” he says, his voice huskier than normal from the exertion of practicing for hours.

“Here,” you hand him a bottle of water and head down to the first floor.

Robert’s daughter, Clara, is a super excited ten year old who is trying to play it cool but she keeps making adorable squeaking sounds. “Hey! Are you super excited?” you greet her and Robert.  She just smiles more, unable to form coherent words “I just need you to either give me your phones or put them in a locker.”

“Sure thing,” Robert hands you their phones. “Thanks again. I’d say this would make her day but it’s probably more like her year or her life,” he smiles.

“Of course. Happy to do it.” you start walking up the stairs with them, “I know we can watch them and they might have time to chat afterwards but they have also had a really long day, so don’t be upset if they seem tired or anything, ok?” you prep Clara.

She nods enthusiastically and then starts crying when she enters the room. “Oh God,” you say and you gesture at chairs you had set out for them.

“Ah youth,” Xavier remarks as you walk over to the console. As you turn around you are surprised to see that one of the members, Taehyung has walked over to Clara and is trying to get her to stop crying and it is the sweetest thing ever.

“I don’t even have ovaries and they’re aching,” Xavier whispers in your ear. You suppress the urge to laugh and agree with him and walk over to make the introduction.

“This is Clara, and her father Robert. This,” you gesture” is Robert’s studio.

“Oh. Thank you Robert. And Thank you Clara for being ARMY,” he smiles at both of them. “We dance now, ok?”

Clara enthusiastically nods her head.

“Thank you so much,” you say to Taehyung as he turns to go back to the stage area.

“No, thank you.” he smiles an adorable smile at you and holy shit is this how they lure all these fans?! With their dancing and adorable smiles?! You make a mental note to watch some Youtube videos later tonight and walk back to your position in the front of the room. The guys are all back in their spaces.

“Mic check 1 2.” you go through the pre-check again.

The last performance of the night is perfect. Clara sings along to all the words and you even see a tear or two fall down Robert’s face as he is so happy to see his little girl’s dream come true. Wow this has been a day. You are thankful you ordered coffee to be delivered with dinner. The band members are all kind enough to walk over and say hi to Clara and thank Robert one more time.

“Thanks again [y/n] it really means a lot to us,” Robert shakes your hand.

“Of course. Thanks again for the space. I’ll see you around the studio.” you hand them their phones back as you escort them to the front door. You poke your head into the kitchen and confirm food counts with the caterer and grab yourself a coffee.

“Alright guys. Dinner is in the kitchen and ready when you are. There is also a stocked shower if anyone wants to take one here. Great work today.” Everyone on the BTS production unit makes their way to the dining area. Some of the guys stop and change clothes before dinner, some don’t. It’s been a long day. You, Rafael, and Xavier clean up the dance room so it will be ready for tomorrow.

“What are you guys doing tonight?” Rafael asks as he covers the console.

“I’m going suit shopping with Joe for the awards show. Do you want to join?” Xavier responds.

“Nah, I’m going to wear my funeral suit like usual.”

“Boooo!!!!” you and Xavier both yell at him, like usual. He loves that boring ass suit and it’s the only one he owns.

“There’s nothing wrong with it.” he laughs as he defends himself.

“It’s boooorrrrriiiinnnngggg. This is a fun awards show. Plus me and Joe and [Y/N] are going to look so pretty. Don’t you want to also?” Xavier finishes helping you gather the recycling.

“No. I’ll stay boring and scruffy to help make you three look better.” he smiles. “I’m grabbing dinner here. Anyone else?”

“Me.” you raise your working arm.

“I thought you were meeting Ben tonight?” Xavier interrupts.

“Change of plans. I spaced that I have to be the one to lock up tonight so I have to be the last one out. I don’t want to rush anybody so I’ll just stay here and work until everyone else is finished.” you sigh. “But, I am getting free dinner.”

“Always the optimist.” Rafael pats your shoulder, “that’s why we love you.”

You smile and grab the bag of recycling to carry downstairs. As you round the corner you once again slam into RM. “Jesus,” you yell, forgetting professionalism for a second.

“Sorry.” he takes the recycling bag from you, “Do you guys need help with anything else?” He asks cooly.

“No, we are all finished,” Xavier responds, turning off the lights. “Thanks dude.” he starts down the stairs oblivious to what’s going on. “See you all tomorrow!” he happily yells as he leaves.

“So in love.” Rafael comments. “Gross.” he jokes as he begins down the stairs.

“Agreed,” you follow him, “Are you coming?” you turn and ask RM.

“Yep.”

You slow down a bit so Rafael is all the way down the stairs, “Back to being an asshole?” you ask him, your voice lilting in a joking way.

“Absolutely.”

“Fantastic. Thanks for carrying the recycling, Asshole.”

“Sure thing. Is Rafael your boyfriend?”

Did he really just ask you that? Before you can form words you just start laughing. “Ahahahahahahaha. No. Hard Pass. No. We have worked together for 5 years. We are very good friends. Ahahaha. I can’t even. Wow. No. My boyfriend does not work with me. Otherwise we would probably kill each other. Why? Are you interested in Rafael? I can get you his number?” you  laugh again.

“Oh my God. No.”

“Why do you care who my boyfriend is?” you ask, nearing the bottom of the stairs, “Jealous?" You tease.

If you would have been looking you would have seen the moment of hesitation on his face before he responded, “Don’t flatter yourself.” NEXT CHAPTER

[gingersimasnaps]

I'm not even sorry for this one 💁‍♀️

Vera is AGAIN OOC as fuck because obviously I don't know how to write canon Vera, English is again horrible, and it's angstyyy! 😁

@bakulka @fanfics-she-wrote @everythingabouthatship - I won this one. 😘

Angsty Vermish fic ❤️

This has to be some kind of a fucking joke.

Because no way this situation is happening seriously.

Vera Stone, Grand Magus, is standing in front of new Massachusetts Temple Magus and this just can't be true. She really waits for someone to jump from behind the door, laughing, and telling her it's just a joke, but it doesn't happen.

With almost sheepish smile, Derek Johnson is standing in front of her. Her ex boyfriend. Father of her dead daughter.

"Vera..." He says quietly. "Hi."

She wants to do three hundred things right now. She wants to run, to yell, to claw his eyes out, to hug him, to kiss him, to call Hamish-

Hamish.

The thought of him stops the madness in her head.

"Hi, Derek," she answers simply and tries to hold the cold tone of voice but failes miserably.

"I... Haven't seen you for a long time."

"Not exactly my fault, is it?" she snaps.

"I know, I know, and I'm incredibly sorry, Vera. I really am. I wasn't ready to be a father back then."

She scoffs. "Because I was so ready to be a mother."

Derek holds his hand up as a sign of peace. "I know I was the grand coward," he sighs.

"Yeah, you were. Now, back to the work. You were selected by your Massachusetts chapter and by the Gnostic council as the new Temple Magus. It won't be easy, I warn you. You have to be careful. You have all of your chapter's acolytes under your wing now so listen to me carefully. I don't want to hear about one single unnecessary death from your temple."

She dips into explaining him his duties and tries to ignore his body warmth when he stand closer to her to see what she's showing him in some book.

"I would love to be a part of our child's life if you allow me," Derek says when they're done and after they agree he will stay here for a week or so, to observe her work. Vera tenses up.

"She's dead."

"WHAT?!"

The next thing she knows is she's crying, and Derek rushes to hug her. He doesn't let her go when she sobs out what happened.

Suddenly the door are flying open, and Hamish is standing there, with a drink in his hand. Of course, it's 4 PM. He always brings her drink at this time. And she's still in Derek's embrace.

Hamish watches how she pulls away from the man and how he doesn't want to let her go. He watches his lingering touch while Hamish is setting the glass on her table.

"Your drink, Grand Magus," he says blankly, and turns his back to them.

"Thank you," Vera calls softly, which makes him to turn back again. Her eyes are wet. And so incredibly vulnerable. He wants to hold her. But, obviously, there is someone else to do it now.

"You don't have to thank me, Grand Magus," he answers, and goes away.

Derek stays for more than a week. It's been over a month now. He spends all his time in the Temple. With Vera.

Hamish is just tired and sick of all this. He tries so hard to maintain everything in his life and he feels he just reached the bottom of his strength.

His pack kind of excommunicated him. Randall is mad at him because he's 'not acting as the leader should act', and Jack doesn't care enough, as he's consumed with his relationship with Alyssa. Lilith is the only one who seems to care, but she has her own life. And yet, he's still trying to keep them all safe because excommunicated or not, it's his duty and he needs to do it.

He teaches fucking big bunch of classes now, because Krowchuk is on long term sick leave. He's still Magistratus, so he works for Order as well.

And the most painful thing is the fact Vera is spending all her free time with a man she swore she hates to the guts. And she enjoys it.

The last blow is delivered when he works on the drink for her (yes, he's so stupid he still does that) and hears her loud, genuine laugh from her office, where she is with Derek. After a few seconds, the door opens, and the man walks to the bar.

"I'll take it to her, Magistratus, thank you," he says with a smile. Sly smile. "She will never be yours, young man. I was the first and I will be also the last."

Hamish stands there for a few minutes, feeling completely empty. This has happened only once in his life so far - when Cassie died. Vera is still very much alive, but he lost her also.

Fuck this.

Hamish almost runs from the temple, hops in his car and drives to his parents' cabin, about an hour from Belgrave. Once he turns the engine off, he fishes his phone out of his pocket and types a single message to her.

Derek is telling Vera some story and she listens, of course, when he phone chimes, announcing new message.

"Leave it," says Derek, but she reaches for in anyway.

Hamish [5:26PM] I quit.

"Wait," she silences Derek. What does Hamish mean by quitting? His TA position? The Order? He can't exactly quit Knights. Or does he mean he's quitting them? She dials his number. It rings and rings and rings, but no one answers.

"Fuck," she grits between her teeth and furiously types a message. Then another and another.

Vera [5:30PM] What do you mean?

Vera [5:31PM] What are you quitting??

Vera [5:31PM] Answer me!

Vera [5:32PM] Hamish, please, tell me what's wrong?

Vera [5:35PM] This is not funny.

Vera [5:48PM] Hamish where are you? Tell me where you are.

Vera [5:54PM] MAGISTRATUS, COOPERATE!!!

Derek watches her attempts to contact him and of course he doesn't like it. Vera is his. She shouldn't give a fuck about the BOY when she has *the* MAN next to her. He tries to bring her attention back to him, but with no success. Vera tries another call, and this time the person answers.

"Ms. Bathory, do you happen to know where Hamish is?" she asks immediately, to hell with Mr. Duke.

"Why do you suddenly care?" asks Lilith back in her typical 'Kilith' way.

"Ms. Bathory-"

"Because to me, you didn't seem to bother with Hamish during the past month."

"Can you please tell me where he is?" Vera's voice is soft and if Lilith wouldn't know her, she would say she's almost begging.

"I don't know," she gives up. "But I would check the cabin. His parents own it, we crashed there once or twice for holidays. I'll send you the address."

"Thank you, Lilith," Vera says and ends the call. After a minute, Lilith really sends her the address.

"What's going on?" Derek asks for like 108th time.

"Hamish, the man who makes all the drinks texted me 'I quit' and I need to find him," Vera answers. "Whatever is happening, I'll help him to find a solution."

"Well if he wants to leave then let him leave, no? After all, it's gonna be better for you."

Vera turns to him with disbelief. "Excuse me?!"

"It's more than obvious the boy is in love with you. He's so bad at hiding it he could tattoo it on his forehead. Poor kid no way reaches your limits, not even with some branch two meters long. And I already told him now that I'm here, he doesn't need to bother anymore. Let him leave. It's for the best."

Grand Magus feels pure rage flooding in her veins. "What LIMITS are you talking about, Derek?! Who the fuck gave you the right?!"

Derek smiles. "Honey, we both feel we're the right match for each other. Don't deny it." He tries to reach for her, but she yanks her hand from his grasp.

"Oh my fucking God, I can't believe I was so stupid! I really thought you want to learn about your work, but all this time, you were just trying to get into my panties! And how do you even dare to talk to Hamish about him bothering or not?!" she's literally screaming on top of her lungs.

"If you need to know it, we were a thing long before you came here. Me and Hamish, and I was the one who iniciated it. I never want to have anything with you again, because it's you who can't reach HIS limits. Hamish would never- fuck this. You don't deserve to know him at all."

"Now who's running from who?!" Derek yells when she gathers her belongings, ready to chase Hamish to the other side of the planet if she needs to.

"I'm not running from you. I'm running TO him. And I'm not leaving you knocked up at 16 with words 'I don't fucking want to be dad, God knows who you fucked with!'" Vera hisses, and magically throws - literally - him out of her office.

She's driving fast, violating the speed limits, but her heart is pounding painfully in her chest and her mind is screaming at her to go even faster. What had she done? What had possessed her that she almost dumped her source of happiness and joy for Derek?! How could she hurt Hamish so much, when she promised to herself multiple times she never wants to hurt him?

Suddenly, her hands grip the steering wheel with such force her knuckles turn white.

Please, please, oh God please, he didn't think he's quitting his LIFE, right?!

She feels bile in her throat and swallows forcefully. The image of his lifeless body is in front of her eyes and a sob escapes her. No. No, no, no, no, no, NO. He wouldn't do that, not because of her, she's not worth it!!!

Vera drives even faster.

When she arrives, it's 6:47PM. Normally, she would be impressed she managed to get there so fast, but now, everything she needs is to know Hamish is alive.

Vera doesn't bother with knocking or whatever, she just bursts through the door.

Hamish is sitting on the couch, in front of TV that is switched off, and just stares at the black screen.

"Hamish-" Vera manages to breathe and he looks at her. There is so much pain in his eyes she almost cries out.

"What do you want, Grand Magus," Hamish sighs, and she drops her purse in the floor and runs to him.

"You," she says. "I want you and I want us, forever. I'm so sorry, Hamish, for everything I put you through. For the past month. I'm so sorry, can you forgive me? Please... I don't know what to do without you. I don't know how to breathe right when you're not next to me."

"You have Derek now, don't you?" he says, and she puts her hands on his cheeks.

"No. I don't even wanna know what he told you but it's not true. I never wanted him back. I have to admit it was interesting for me to have him around again, but I never wanted him back as my boyfriend, or partner, or lover or whatever connected with feelings. I have you for all of these things. And you have me, Hamish. You have all of me." She climbs in his lap and feels so relieved when Hamish wraps his hands around her waist.

"I love you, Hamish. I've never loved anyone as much as I love you, and I never will. Can you forgive me? I'm not asking for instant forgiveness, but someday?"

Hamish leans in and kisses her, and Vera kisses back, with all the 'I'm sorry' and 'I love you' and 'I want you' and basically every emotion she's feeling.

After their century long kissing (and yet it's not enough, it never can be enough), Vera hugs him tightly, presses his face into his neck, and Hamish is swinging them slowly and gently from left to right. Neither of them says a word, and they don't need to. Vera just wants to spend rest of her life engulfed in his embrace, and Hamish never wants to let her go. They both came home today.

Home is where the heart is.

[erismerald]

𝕝𝕠𝕝𝕚𝕥𝕒(Sam Drake x young adult reader)

Hello everybody, this time this story is going to be a little different from the ones I write!! This new story will be inspired by the 1997 film "Lolita" and the story of "First Touch". But I think you'll love it. I'm thinking about writing about 10 chapters, but only later will I know for sure.

This first chapter will be a little shorter, but i hope u like it!

I hope you like it, and remember that English is not my main language, so I apologize for any mistakes!

GOOD READING!!!!

𝕨𝕒𝕣𝕟𝕚𝕟𝕘𝕤: none for now ;)

𝕥𝕒𝕘𝕤: @missdictatorme , @sirkekselord @smdnixcole

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It was two hours before I left school, I was too excited to get home! And what is all the excitement about? a good friend of my parents would stay with us for some time and I was very eager to meet him and to be honest by the pictures my parents showed me of when he was younger he was actually quite handsome. he looked very smart and funny, since then i think about his arrival...well i can't deny that i was nervous about meeting him, but my parents always told me about their adventures with him, and that he was chloe and nadine's friend so that made me calm down about it.

While I was in class looking at the clock I got a message from my mum telling me or rather asking me to go to the supermarket to buy some things that were missing, and that if I wanted I could invite bella and will to come to dinner with us.

I looked discreetly at bella and tried to get her attention, and when she finally looked at me I said quietly

"Can you come to my house for dinner? Please!! I explain later... Ah and let Will know"

"okay, and of course I can" she spoke a little confused, looking at the will that was drawing again

"willlll" we call ourselves quiet so we don't get caught "let's go to Y/n's for dinner, okay?" she said throwing a little paper ball at him. she looked at me and nodded, "I'll tell you why later."

time passed and without noticing it was time to go home, my tummy was hurting a lot because of nerves, I wanted so much to look good in front of my parents' friend that I did not eat all day and was very tired but excited for dinner.~

"You're weird, you didn't even eat French fries today, you're sick?" said Will putting a packet of potatoes in front of me. "Today a friend of my parents is coming to have dinner with us, well he came to spend some months with us and I'm a little nervous about what's going to happen...he's handsome and seems to be intelligent, and my mother let him bring you to dinner, because that's why I called you" I explained on the way to the supermarket.

"So let me see if I understand you're nervous because a friend of your parents is gonna stay with you? How old is he?" Bella asked a little confused, taking two potatoes out of the package

"I don't know, I'm confused and he seems to be 48 years old, so what my parents had told me was, he disappeared for 15 years and about 3 years ago he came back here and was in contact with his brother and kept in touch with my parents, but now is working on something hereand needed some place to live so my parents made themselves available to receive him" I spoke with a mouth full of potatoes, and feeling the nerves going away, maybe all those nerves were from being hungry all day long.

We kept talking and while we were shopping we speculated how this mysterious friend would look, and we ended up laughing when one of us came up with something funny to say. Without realizing it, time went by and I suddenly feel my phone buzzing in my pocket and when I look at the clock it was already 7 pm and dinner was going to be at 8 pm, and I saw that the reason my phone was buzzing was my mother calling me:

"Y/n WHERE ARE YOU?!?" my mother screamed, but in the background I could hear laughter... I wonder... "Sam is here and you haven't even brought what was missing for dinner yet, the rest of the guests will be here soon and you'll be nothing" she paused and took a deep breath "I'll give you 10 minutes to be here if you don't, you gonna eat the dog's food" and hung up

"I could hear your mother here" will laugh at the situation, and I just gave him an angry look "he's already there... and his name is Sam."

"Humm sam seems to be a sexy, attractive name, don't you think I will?" bella spoke naughtily staring at will. Oh I forgot to mention, will was bi, so he was like a relationship guro for both of us. "I also think, it may be that the name matches the way he is, so..." he put himself behind us and surprised us "let's walk fast that I want to see the creature, and for more I'm starving" we laughed and started to walk fast,

and who opened it was Sully, who was basically like an uncle to me, and I hadn't seen him for a few months, because of work issues, and because whenever the bastard came I had gone out or was on a field trip to my house.

when we got home I rang the bell hoping my mother would open the door for me but:

"SULLY" I yelled at him, and he spun me in the air.

"Y/N!! oh my god you are so taller, how are you dear? let me help you with things" he offered to pick up some groceries and took us to the kitchen "you are so grown up that soon you will be able to go with me and sam on our trips? and beautiful my darling you are so grown up, and will you my boy already you are taller than me, as time flies." my mother enters the kitchen:

"she only will do that when she starts to try harder at school and get home on time," my mother said, taking up shopping and laughing a little

"Mum!!! I'm almost 19" I complained a bit and looked out the window and saw my dad coming up with sam, he was really attractive and tall, telling me it wasn't too hard to be taller than me being 6 feet tall, but he left me intimidated in a good way.He was wearing a brown shirt with a v-neck, my heavenly vision god... I have to stop flirting with men older than me.

when his glances crossed, sam thought straight away how hard it would be to live under the same roof as such an attractive girl, he took a deep breath and just smiled. he knew his charm would call the youngest's attention.I looked at him and saw him approaching along with my father:

"daughter this is my best childhood friend, Samuel Drake, and sam this is my girl Y/N" my father introduced us and the moment sam raised his hand and pehou in mine to greet me I almost fainted... he looked at me with a smirk and I traveled in his hazel eyes.

"great pleasure to meet you my dear, I've heard a lot about you" sam said gently, in his head he was having fun if he saw my cheeks change colour

"N-nice to meet you, I hope it was good things at least" I laughed a little and tried not to get lost in his eyes.

he let go of my hand and went out to the yard to help my father while sully talked to me

"Y/N? sweetie are you listening?" sully called out for me and I was even more embarrassed when I heard my best friends laughing at me

"yes I am,ahm  we have to finish some things before we go to dinner so, we've already come"

I went in pulling the will and bella with me, we went to my room (which was in the atic) and saw that everyone was in the yard waiting for us, but I still had to put on another outfit because the one I was wearing was very sweaty.

“okay what was that? you seemed hypnotized, what went on in your head?" will ask as soon as we got to my room 

"I don't know it was just... arghh he's so attractive, how lucky I was!" I replied by throwing myself into bed, seeing will and bella sit by my side laughing a little.

"ahaha, you're really weird Y/N ahaha" bella laughed and picked up her phone looking at the time, which in itself only reminded me that I had to take a shower.

"okay  we still have some time till dinner and since you are here u can help my mom" I said running to the closet "I'm gonna take a shower, meet you in half an hour"

"okay, but only if you promise me we'll see a horror movie" the will said putting down the backpack, and looking for something inside the backpack

"okay, that may be, but Y/N?" bella asked if lying in bed

"Yeah?" I said, going into the bathroom 

“try not to take too long, I'm starving and I bet you are too" she said maliciously referring to the event that happened in the kitchen

I went into the bathroom and turned on the water, and I could hear the two of them coming out of the room, I grabbed my cell phone and saw that I still had some time so I could enjoy the bath a little bit.

I took off my clothes and quickly got under the hot water coming out of the shower, I started to think what sam would be like, even knowing that he's already in our house... Will he and I get along? I closed my eyes and tried not to worry about it and tried to be as quick as possible.

While enjoying the bath, sam’s mind could not calm down, he felt guilty for having felt attracted to a little girl, well even if she was almost an young  adult he felt guilty for it but still in his mind he thanked God for coming to work for this city.

Should he have fun with her?  

He was taken out of his thoughts when he saw her friends coming without her, his eyes profited in but she had stayed in his room, he remembered having heard her say that she would have to take a bath, what the fe imagine her body would look upon his.

I got out of the bath and rolled up in the towel and got out of the bathtub, I opened the bathroom door and saw the steam spreading through the bedroom. I went to bed and sat on it for a while, touching the mobile phone.

my thoughts were still on sam, and on second thought it would be ridiculous for him to get involved with a girl her age, especially a shy and a little fat girl.

I always had a low self-esteem but still never doubted my body, I just felt bad sometimes for not being like the standard girls in society.

I let my wet brown hair out of the towel and out of nowhere I heard some laughter coming from the yard and as the window was literally next to my bed I sit on the little built-in stool and open my curtain a bit to try to peek.

My room was dark, just some feathery decorative lights illuminating its interior. I looked carefully at the yard and analyzed who was there: elena, nathan, victor, my parents, chloe, nadine and finally the person who hadn't met Sam yet.

I stared at him and saw that he was really a handsome man, and that he had a body that looked very attractive. And even with the glass window close I could hear his voice...a strange sensation occupied my chest and my beard, as if they were butterflies...I don't know how long I watched him but after some time I felt his gaze stick in mine.

sam felt himself being watched and looked up and saw her peeping out the bedroom window, in that position she was completely adorable and sexy, with her hair falling into wet curls, and her hand holding the towel around her body, that vision delighted the thought of sam who soon tried to tease her a little.

He barely knew her but that wouldn't be a problem for him as he'd be living with her for a while, meeting her would be the best part of his stay, and you can bet he'll want to know every part of her.

he just smiled a little and saw what her reaction would be.

The sensation of his gaze in mine gave me goose bumps all over my body, and I quickly closed the curtain and scanned myself on the wall.

I was panting, nervous, as if I had committed a crime, my heart beat uncontrollably, and sometimes I missed a beat. I closed my eyes and got the courage to look again, I opened the curtain slightly and noticed that he was no longer looking here.

Suddenly I heard a knock on the door "Y/N we're back, can we come in?" was interrupted by bella "Are you dressed?"

I almost ran out of that place and picked up my clothes and went into the bathroom with my heart beating a thousand times, why was I so nervous?

"I'm almost but you can come in" I said and started dressing fast.

I heard the bedroom door open and I opened the bathroom door again, showing off my new outfit

"these beautiful, we can finally get something to eat" bella said coming out of the room

I followed them and we went downstairs towards the backyard, and when we got there I couldn't see him, so we were just chatting with the other guests. My dad was having a barbecue and nathan and sully were helping, while the 3 of us were talking to sully and my mom about what we would both follow when we finished high school.

Before long, the drink that filled our glass was over, so I as a good host, I offered to go get mias, even though if I didn't I'm sure my mother would kill me ahahaha.

I left their side and walked on the grass to the dark kitchen, with only one or the other lit, I went to the fridge and took some drinks, but when I turned back I ran into faces with a shadow almost twice my size

"Y/N right?" I looked nervous and saw the sweet look that sam threw at me along with the attractive appearance that he had.

"y-yes it's me" I answered a little nervous, which in my head just seemed ridiculous, why was I so nervous after all? why did I feel like I was burning inside "sam?"

"yeah thats me, so do u need help?" he replied, with a charming smile, I was so bewitched by his smile that I almost dropped the bottles

"Let me help you" he said with a rough voice, his voice made me nervous but at the same time calm. He came closer to me almost trapping me against the fridge, and grabbed the bottles, when he put more light on, I could see the tattoo on his neck...and his muscular arms...and that smile...Y/n!!! for that he is much older than you don't even think anything. Fucking hormones!

for sam to see her act like that just by being around him drove him crazy, at that moment he just ignored that feeling of guilt and will only provoke her as much as he can.

he gave me space to pass in front of him and i was nervous. when we got back to the table everyone was already sitting and bella and will were almost stunned, and soon i realized that the only place left was next to sam, of course i was nervous. i was in a pile of nervous at that time but i took a deep breath and looked at mine signaling me to go to the phone.

I sat down next to sam and heard my father talking to sam:

"thanks for helpping her" my father said laughing if a little when he saw my red face of shame.

"You don't have to thank me I'm a gentleman, she needed  help to bring the bottles and I offered" he explained taking a small leather box and taking out a cigarette and putting it in his mouth...oh mummy what a sexy man, I was hypnotized by him, I couldn't even say anything just stared at him and didn't realise that my father was calling me:

"Yeah?" I said embarrassed, trying to forget the shit I just did. I glanced at sam and he was with a smirk, did he realize I was looking at him?

"why don't you tell sam what you're gonna follow in college" he said and got up from the table to go to the kitchen.

I turned around a bit and sam was already facing me waiting for my answer, his hazel eyes were analyzing every part of me, and that was just making me more nervous. The smell of the cigarette left me with a strange sense of security, until the vibe from my phone woke me up and d "quickly looked at bella and will make signs for me to talk to sam.

"Ahm... I want to follow archaeology, I have always been very passionate about history and I would like to connect with it premanently." I said with a shy look, responding to sam, who raised his cigarette to his mouth, and only after releasing the smoke through his lips did he speak.

"That's pretty good, I've always loved history together with my brother, whom you already know," he said with a hoarse and attractive voice, I swear by everything I was getting excited about just talking to him, my heart was racing but I wanted to keep talking to him:

"Yeah i heard about him, and i really love history, and sully has my biggest inspiration" I said shy.

"if u want i can help you studying" he stopped and looked at me deeply

"yes please?" i was so nervous that my hands were sweating.

sam looked at her and saw that she looked a little uncomfortable, that made him a little uncomfortable too, he wonder if he was scaring her. he couldn't help but think how smart and sweet she was.

"I hope you're ready for this feast!" my father dissecolating on the table the last tray of food

"Bon appetit, everyone!"

Dinner went super well, I talked a lot with Sam and he's a fantastic person and quite intelligent, meeting him gave a feeling of immense joy, something that even I can't explain.

At that moment I was so distracted that I didn't even notice that on the other side of the room Sam was watching every movement of my body. When I looked into his eyes he turned them away I blushed a little, I don't know why this happiness made me feel strange inside.

I looked forward and continued to do what I was doing: "and I finished... Shall we go to my room?" I said, keeping the last glass in the cupboard.

"good actually we have to leave tomorrow I have to help my mother tidy up" bella said

"and I have to go take care of my younger sister, my parents are going to the movies now, but we can watch the movie tomorrow that they think?" he asked and we both accepted, I took them to the front door and depended on them a little sad that I couldn't be with them at that moment.

I closed the door and I felt a spike in the bottom of my tummy and I felt something dripping, so I ran to the bathroom as fast as I could.I opened the door and sat down on the toilet, and can confirm my suspicions, came my period. I put on a patch and walked towards my room and sat down on the bench embedded in the window, the day was beautiful but now it had started to rain a lot, and I just stood there looking at the rain hitting the window, that calmed me down a lot, and today I spent the day on a roller coaster of emotions, good emotions, but still emotions.

I put on my headphones and stood there listening to music and watching the rain falling, reading a good book.

"sam?" Y/M/N called me with a smile, she was wearing a different outfit, where would she go? "Yes?" I answered quickly, getting up from the armchair

"Y/F/N and I are going on a small date just the two of us, could you take care of Y/N, for a few hours please?" she asked me in a sweet voice, that proposal made me dream loudly, since Y/N and I are going to be alone I can try to make conversation with her and get to know her better.

"Of course, don't worry, she's in good hands" I answered calmly

"thank you very much" Y/F/N replied and so they both left.

I took a deep breath and got the courage to go to her, I don't know what is going on but I am a little nervous and this is not common for me. I went up the stairs to her qrato and when I entered she was reading and listening to music, I looked around her room and could her personality reflected in him.

 I was so entertained in what I was doing that I didn't even realize Sam was in my room, and when I looked at him, I was leaning against the door frame watching my room.

"Sorry if I startled you, I just wanted to ask if you were interested in watching a movie with me" he asked with his hand behind his head, which made him very cute. "Your parents went out for a bit, you know... and left me to take care of you" he spoke a little apprehensive

"Well at the moment I'm not in the mood, I've got a bit of a colic" I answered by putting down the book I was reading "but you can come in and keep me company if you want of course"

"Of course, what book are you reading?" he asked me sitting in front of me.

"nothing much, it's just a romance" I answered with a little dry, not because I didn't want to talk to him but because I was dying of pain. I saw his gaze anailing my answer, I couldn't look directly at him without blushing a bit

"Is something wrong?" he asked me by getting a little closer to me, putting his hand between my feet.

"nothing bad, just menstrual pain, that's normal," I said with shame, why did I say that? now he'll think I'm stupid

"That's natural... do you want me to make you a tea? I can make you a tea that relieves that kind of pain" your voice became hoarse and calm again.

"He interrupted me by leaving the room and going to the kitchen. In a few minutes Sam returned with a mug in her hand, approached me again and gave it to me with a smile.

He sat in front of me and looked outside and I could see his tattoo.

"How did you know how to do this tea?" I asked staring at him, and this my attitude surprised him a lot

"Well I've had some ex-girlfriends who taught me how to make this kind of cha and many others," he said with his eyes lit by the moonlight and the lampstand outside. That phrase let me think what it would be like to date a man like Sam.

"You know you look pretty when you think?" he said bluntly, which made me choke on the tea a little.

"thank you I think..." I said super embarrassed, and tried to avoid looking at him. he laughed a little, what a wonderful laugh, I felt calm but at the same time nervous.

"Can I ask you something?" I asked by looking at the cup I had in my hand,

"of course, what?" he said looking at me with an instant look

"What is the meaning of your tattoo?" I asked, looking directly at it, and waiting for his answer, his gaze analyzed my body and that left me hypnotized, for more I love boys or men with tattoos I find super attractive.

He sat down closer and smiled at me as if he was thinking of something he shouldn't have.

"Well I got this tattoo in prison, I was unjustly imprisoned for 15 years and this tattoo means my freedom" he said calmly.

"Have you been arrested?" I asked of course i already knew the awnser but...he got up and took off his coat and put it on my bed, and without warning he lifted up his shirt, I paralyzed...his body was wonderful, he didn't look as old as he was, but something called my attention, some scars that were on his belly

"When I was running away with nathan and rafe I was shot, I ended up staying behind," he said by lowering his shirt and sitting down again. I was flushed and tried to avoid looking at him but he seemed hypnotized with me. He approached her a little closer and I couldn't help but stare at him.

He put his hand on my face, and lowered his thumb down to my lips, his gaze was penetrated into mine, I didn't know how to react, I was just paralyzed there... his touch made me warm, I closed my eyes, and felt him slowly withdraw his hand, I opened my eyes and saw his body move away.

"You'd better rest hon, good night" he said in a husky, seductive voice. He turned and closed the door behind him.

I knew if I stayed locked in there any longer I wouldn't control myself... but seeing her look embarrassed in mine, made me crazy, made me nervous, what's wrong with me? This is not correct, I walked to the livingroom again and I sat there in the dark thinking about what I had done, the interest I had aroused in her.

Is it so bad? I felt an attraction to someone without even knowing her... she was still so young... fuck... ignore this thought, sam. I waited a little longer until I fell asleep sitting there lost in my thoughts.

I stood there not knowing how to react, my heart was beating so fast, I got up and took off my clothes and put on my pajamas.

I walked to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror, and touched my lips slightly, I could see my chest going up and down quickly, I smiled and went to bed.

I looked at the window and smiled, closed my eyes and thought of him...did I fall in love?

[myglogic]

Where You Belong (Yoongi x Reader)

Pairing: Min Yoongi (Suga) x Reader

Genre: Fluff, Angst

Word count: 5,5k

Summary: When fame changes Yoongi his bandmates decide to take action and send him back to Daegu. Yoongi has to deal with his bad relationship with his family and a certain girl from his past and his forgotten feelings for her.

A/N: Hi! Finally, my first BTS fanfic on this blog! I wrote this a looong time ago. I found this again and rewrote it. I hope you like it! I’m always happy about feedback! There might be a second part depending on the resonance!

“Yoongi… what is this?”, Taehyung asked and put the newspaper in front of Yoongi, who was sitting in his studio, working on some music.

“A newspaper?”, Yoongi said and continued looking at his computer.

Namjoon walked into the room and sighs. “Oh, I was just coming here about that too. What’s that, Yoongi?”, Namjoon asked, referring to the newspaper article that was printed boldly on the cover.

BTS’ Suga leaving club drunk with a girl!

“So what?”, Yoongi asked, bored. “Am I not allowed to party?”

Yoongi didn’t understand why they made such a fuss. It’s just a little party and some girl. Nothing more, nothing less.

The other members now entered the room and looked at him, quite disappointed. “That’s not the only problem, Yoongi. There are thousands of other articles on the internet. They talk about how rude you are to fans you randomly see. You don’t even acknowledge them!”, Namjoon said in a serious tone.

“You are drunk every weekend, you don’t even work on music. You just sit around all day, wondering what shit you should do next.”, Jin added.

“They were crowding me and it was really annoying.”, Yoongi said, not understanding why they all stood there as if this was some kind of intervention.

Jimin sighed and started talking. “When was the last time you said, “thank you”? When was the last time you visited your family? I have a feeling that you forgot where you came from and how you came here. Don’t forget that without ARMY, you wouldn’t be here either.”, Jimin said, worried.

“Yes, hyung. The fans are worried sick and so are we.”, Jungkook told him.

Yoongi stood up, really annoyed. “What the fuck is this? Why are you acting like I’m a fucking drug addict?”

Yoongi always had a problem with his temper. And right now they were really testing him. What was the point of all this? He looked at his 6 bandmates and just saw expressions of disappointment, worry, and anger. This was no joke.

“We decided that it’s best if you get out of Seoul for a while.”, Taehyung said and put his hand on his shoulder.

Yoongi swatted his hand away. “Where the fuck should I go then?”

Namjoon smiled at him. He gave him an envelope with airplane tickets. “Have a nice trip to Daegu. Your family awaits you.”

“What the fuck?! I am definitely not going to Daegu! You can’t force me on that plane!”, he shouted and threw the envelope on the ground.

“If you don’t go… then you won’t be able to use your studio AND we changed the code to our house. Good luck trying to come in.”, Jimin smirked, trying to provoke Yoongi.

Taehyung gave Yoongi a sad smile. “I would love to go back to Daegu you know… but I can’t. We are doing this for you. Don’t forget where you belong, Yoongs.”

“You really planned this whole thing right? Let me guess. Our favorite manager knows about this.”, Yoongi rolled his eyes as the others nodded. “Well fine. I don’t care. I’ll see this as a vacation.”

“But you’ll be staying at your parents’ place. Not a luxury hotel. You also have to spend time with them.”, Jin added.

Yoongi’s eyes widened. “Are we filming some shitty Bon Voyage episode or what?”, he sighed. “Fucking shit. I don’t care. Fine. Leave me alone now.”

The others left the room, still sad about Yoongi’s reaction. When did it become like this? They did not really know. Yoongi was so humble and grateful. Sometimes fame really gets ahold of you.

The very next day Yoongi found himself on the airplane. They at least bought him a first-class ticket. How nice of them. Yoongi leaned his head against the plane window. And then first thoughts started creeping in his head.

It’s been nearly two years since he last visited his family. His mom was going to be very angry. And his father? He never really talked about Yoongi’s career. Their relationship was never the best.

He never wanted Yoongi to become an idol. He had a hard time accepting his career change but he had to accept it in the end. But there still was a certain coldness between them. His brother wasn’t in Daegu since he was living abroad for a while. So how was he going to handle the whole family situation? And how the hell should sending him to Daegu help him? It’s not like breathing some Daegu air will bring the old Yoongi back.

Yoongi closed his eyes, trying to get a little sleep. For the first time in a very long time, he didn’t have a busy schedule. Maybe that’s one positive thing about this trip.

Why the hell him though? It’s not like the others don’t drink or party. Okay, maybe Yoongi liked to go to parties a little bit more than the others. But was it that bad?

Before he could keep thinking more, he fell in a deep slumber. A few hours later the flight attendant woke him up.

As he arrived at the airport, he saw no one waiting for him. He was a little bit disappointed. He kind of expected that his mother would come and pick him up. But he wouldn’t do it either if he was his son.

He stood there with his suitcase, wondering where to go. Then his phone vibrated and Yoongi gets a text from Namjoon.

Joon: First mission, find a cab. No one will treat you special there. 😌

Yoongi rolled his eyes and walked outside. Using his scarf to cover his face, he found a taxi and told the driver the address. As time passes by, Yoongi noticed that he was constantly watching out of the window, looking for signs of his neighborhood. He smiled slightly, recognizing a few places from his city.

And suddenly a feeling of homesickness appeared. And he was not talking about Seoul but Daegu. That’s where it all started.

That doesn’t make the situation better but he wasn’t expecting to stay long here. He might as well use the time to rest.

And then there he stood. In front of his house. The house he grew up in. Memories, beautiful memories start appearing in front of his eyes. Yoongi remembered that his mother would hide the spare keys to his house in the flower vase next to the door. The keys were still hidden there, even after all these years. Taking the keys and unlocking the door, he walked inside, expecting no one to be home since his parents should be at their restaurant.

As he walked inside, he noticed new furniture, pictures of his family but not many pictures of him. Just a few from his childhood and one after he won his first award with BTS. The smell was still the same. It was like he never left.

He didn’t move. He just took everything in. Overwhelmed. That described the feeling Yoongi was experiencing the best.

Suddenly he heard a scream and felt something wooden hit his back. “OUCH!”, he shouted in pain.

“LEAVE THIS HOME OR I’LL CALL THE COPS!”, a female voice behind Yoongi said and kept hitting him with a broom.

“I LIVE HERE!”, Yoongi said and tried to turn around. Then he grabbed ahold of the wooden stick. “Who the hell are you?!”, he asked in a very loud and angry tone.

You tried to pry away the broom from his hands. Then you took a look at him. Just to find Min Yoongi, standing right in front of you. “Y-Yoongi?”, you asked cautiously. Was this a dream?

“Yes, Yoongi! What the hell are you doing in my house!”, he said, breathing heavily.

Speechless. That’s what you were at that moment. You didn’t know what to say. Why was he here? He never visited home! But then you remembered his parents mentioning that he would come back. You didn’t know that it was today though!

Yoongi took a good look at you. His eyes widened as he recognized your facial features. “No way… Y/N?”, he asked. You changed. You did look good back then but now you were even prettier than before. “The last time I visited… you weren’t here.”

You gulped. “I did study at another university for a year… but now I’m back. I didn’t see you since… like 2014?”

You and Yoongi were friends back then. When you were little kids, you would always play together. He would always protect you from everyone and he was always by your side. Whenever you needed him, he was there. Your families were close and so were the two of you. Your friendship stayed like that until you graduated.

You decided to study fashion design and Yoongi, who was already active in the underground rapping scene, became an idol. You know the rest of the story.

You sat down on the couch and so did Yoongi. “I live here ever since my family moved and your mother let me stay here. I help her out with some of the chores.”, you said and he nodded.

“Oh, that’s nice of her…”, Yoongi says. “So, your parents just left you here?”, Yoongi asked you.

You nodded. “They did want to take me with them but I wanted to stay in Daegu. Seoul wasn’t really for me…”, you explained to him.

“I get it. Seoul is huge.” Sometimes you could get lost in Seoul. Lost like Yoongi was now.

Yoongi didn’t know what to think. His childhood friend and neighbor lived with his family now. Not only that. He felt so distant towards her. They were so close once. He remembered helping her through her first break-up and then wanting to beat that guy up. But you did not want him to that. You were a person he was ready to throw fists for and now it seemed like you were strangers. Maybe you changed, maybe he did.

“Yoongi… I know you’re supposed to spend time with your family. I heard some things about you in the past. So please don’t fuck this up, okay?”, you said in a serious tone.

He rolls his eyes. “So what? I was literally forced to come here. My family doesn’t really talk to me if you noticed. I will do what they expect me to do. I’ll be a disappointment or something.”, he asked.

“Do you hear yourself right now? What do you plan on doing? Visit all of Daegu’s nightclubs so you can cross them off your list? Looks like all the articles about you are true.”, you said in a disappointed voice. You really didn’t know what you expected after hearing that Yoongi would come back.

“You don’t even know me. So, shut up. We haven’t seen each other for years. Who do you think you are? You can’t judge me.”, he said angrily.

“I am a person who thinks rationally and you are an idiot that used to be my friend.”, you said, disappointed to see him like that. “You know what? Your room is free. Feel free to unpack your stuff. I’ll be outside.”, you said and grabbed your jacket.

“It’s like 10 p.m. Where are you going at this hour?”, he asked with a slight tone of worry in his voice. It was late at night.

But you ignored him and went outside. You were in a similar situation as Yoongi when he was younger. Your parents didn’t want you to study fashion design. They didn’t support you. You thought that Yoongi would understand you the best. But he was in his own little world. To you, he was kind of delusional, thinking that everything revolves around him. He really wasn’t the boy you used to know and maybe he was never going to change.

Yoongi entered his room and looked around. Everything was still the same the way he left it last time. He walked over to his bed and threw himself on it. Nothing has changed. The only thing that did change was Yoongi himself.

You walked outside. It’s winter and there was already snow on the ground. You pulled your jacket closer to your body and walked over to the playground you and Yoongi used to play on all the time.

You sat on one of the benches and suddenly see little Y/N and Yoongi playing and running around in front of you. You smiled. A sad smile. It was a memory that you would always appreciate. A memory that you could never forget. The playground was only a few meters away from the house.

Suddenly you heard a door being closed. You saw Yoongi standing in front of the house, looking down on his phone.

Was he here to search for you?

Then a taxi pulled up and he got in it. You frowned and looked down. Who knew what he was up to. Probably visiting another club. He really had changed.

The next morning you heard Yoongi and his parents arguing. It was about him going to a club yesterday. He didn’t say hello to his parents but went partying instead. He didn’t even wait for them to come back from work.

You sighed and pulled the blanket over your head. You didn’t want to hear them arguing. You already heard a lot about that when you argued with your parents when they were here.

But you still got out of bed and put on some decent clothes. You took a look at your sketches. Your eyes widen as you see the sketch you made of Yoongi. It was from an award show and he looked really nice. You couldn’t stop yourself and drew him. You usually didn’t draw people. You drew clothes and designed different things. A part of you couldn’t just leave Yoongi in the past. You didn’t know why.

You quickly took the sketch and hid it in your closet. Then you walked out of your room. You still heard them arguing.

“This isn’t my Yoongi! What happened to you?”, Yoongi’s mother said with tears in her eyes.

“I don’t know what your problem is. You know what? I’ll go for a walk!”, he shouted and takes his coat. Then he saw you staring and stopped for a second. “What? Are you going to scold me too?”

You shook your head and also took your coat. “I’ll leave too.”, you said.

Yoongi’s mother took a deep breath. She tried not to show her sadness. “But you didn’t eat anything! Eat something for breakfast, dear.”

“I’m fine.”, you said and smiled at her. You saw Yoongi already walking outside and closing the door after him.

You went after him, only to find him walking to the playground. You followed him and sat down next to him on the bench you sat on last night. The snow was everywhere. Even on the benches. But you didn’t care honestly.

“You know… you don’t have to fight with your mother. She cares about you, you know?”, you said quietly.

“Would you shut up?”, he said and leaned back, closing his eyes.

You sat there in silence. Then you decided to speak up. “Do you remember playing here when we were kids?”

No answer.

“You would always lose all the games.”, you said and smirked, knowing that that would get a reaction out of him.

His eyes opened and he sat straight. “Never! I always won!”, he said. “… not that I care.”

You laughed a little. You also caught him staring at you.

Yoongi always loved your laugh back then. He would do anything just to get a little smile out of you when he was younger. He didn’t hear it for a long time. “You do care.”, you answered him. “Don’t push us away okay?”

You stood up. “I have to leave now. Please don’t worry your mother too much.”

Yoongi thought a lot about his situation. Maybe he did make a few mistakes in the past. He could always party in Seoul. Maybe this really was a second chance. To make everything better with his family. And with you.

In the next few weeks, Yoongi made an effort to fix his relationships a bit. He helped to make breakfast, he even sometimes helped out in his parents’ restaurant. His father was surprised but appreciated it. Their relationship was still a rather cold one. But it was getting better.

He also visited you every night in your room. You watched movies or just talked. The first night he did that, surprised you a lot.

You were still awake, working on your next assignment that was due tomorrow. It was 2 a.m. and you were tired. You heard a soft knock on your door.

“Yes?”

Yoongi walked in and smiled a little bit. “I can’t sleep.”, he whispered. “And I saw that your lights were still on…”

You looked at him, surprised. “Uh… come in?”, you said, not understanding what was going on.

He came in and sat on your bed. He looked deep in thought as he sat there. He was fidgeting with his hands, looking like he wants to say something but didn’t know how.

“What are you doing?”, he asked you, trying to start a conversation.

“I am doing my assignment for college… why are you here Yoongi?”

“I… I’m sorry. For how I treated you the last week. I feel horrible. I really wasn’t like this. And I want to make things better. I want my best friend back.”, he finally said and looked at you with an apologetic look. You did treat him like shit, to be honest. You wanted him to feel how you felt when he just ignored you but you still could not ignore him completely.

You pressed your lips together. “Do you mean it?”

He nodded. “Yes. I had a lot of time for myself. I asked myself why my bandmembers would send me all the way here. What was my mistake? I took it for granted. My fame, my fans… my family and you.”, he said. “I want to change. No. I want to remember why I’m here.”

You gave him a bright smile. “Apology accepted. Really.”

“You don’t know how relieved I am right now.”, he said. “Can I help you with your assignment?”, he asked.

You shook your head no. “I don’t think that you know about fashion history. But you can give me a sweater from my closet. I’m freezing.”

He nodded and opened your closet. A piece of paper fell on the ground. It’s a sketch of him. His eyes widened. He didn’t say anything though. He knew that you were an amazing artist. But why would you draw him?

“Hey, what are you going?”, you asked him, wondering what he was doing.

Before he could hide the sketch of you, you quickly got up and take it away. “You… you weren’t supposed to see this.”, the tint of pink on your face wasn’t making the situation better.

“You draw really well though…”, he said and smiled. After that, he handed you your sweater and sat down.

You smiled at him. “Thank you.”

Yoongi didn’t want to make you feel more uncomfortable, so he did not ask any questions regarding the sketch. But maybe one day he would. Today was not that day.

After that night everything seemed different between the two of you. You felt some sort of connection to him. He definitely wasn’t asking you about clubs anymore and rather talked to you about your family. He told you that he would support your choice, unlike your family. He knew that you had talent and that you made the right choice.

And that lead to the day where Yoongi finally talked to his father and that talk cleared up a lot of things. Yoongi felt closer to his father after that.

The situation is tense and Yoongi didn’t know how to start this conversation. You put your hand on his shoulder and smiled at him reassuringly. “You can do it.”, you whispered.

He put his hand on top of yours and squeezed it. “Thanks.”, he whispered back.

He took a deep breath and sat down in front of his father. The feeling in the room was tense. None of them started talking. You looked at Yoongi with determination.

“You can do it.”, you whispered. You knew he was scared. His hands were shaking a little. Until now, Yoongi and his father didn’t really talk. His mom was more forgiving but his dad… It was complicated. It shouldn’t be like this.

Yoongi always wanted that his family was proud of him. He realized that he was not someone his parents could be proud of. Especially in the last few years. His dad was not making any amends to talk. Yoongi knew that he had to be the person to start talking first.

“Dad.”, Yoongi finally said. “Let’s talk please…”, he said, quietly.

His father did not talk. He didn’t even look at him.

“Please, dad.”, Yoongi pleaded. “I know I haven’t been the best son. In fact, I have been the worst son you could ever ask for. But here I am now. I am trying to change. Give me a chance.”

He sighed. “Can you really change?”, he finally said. “I don’t know. I honestly didn’t recognize my own son. That attitude you had when you first arrived was not something I was used to. I couldn’t just act like everything was back to normal.”

“Do you hate me? Don’t you like it? That I’m pursuing my dream?”, he asked honestly, his hands shaking.

His father shook his head. “Definitely no. I don’t hate you. For me, it wasn’t possible that you might be successful. I accepted that fact a long time ago. That you are someone who is loved by his millions of fans. I thought that you might not like me since I didn’t show you support.”, he admitted with a shaky voice.  

“Dad, I could never hate you. I just didn’t know how to talk to you about this… but I feel good, now that I know the truth.”

“Please know that I am proud of you and everything you achieved. You proved me wrong and I want the best for you. But son, I don’t want to read articles about you taking girls from clubs home or whatever. Please stay true to yourself. Don’t do the wrong things.”, Yoongi’s father told him.

Yoongi nodded. “I am changing. I am trying to be a better person.”

“I know.”, Yoongi’s dad said and smiled at him. “I see a change. I will try to be a better father to you too.”

“You already are, dad.”, Yoongi said with tears brimming in his eyes.

They hugged it out and for the first time since Yoongi arrived in Daegu, he felt like everything was going to be okay.

Yoongi’s mother broke out in tears and joined the hug. And they pulled you in their circle as well. There was a feeling of relief and calmness. Finally.

A few weeks passed and you decided to go to the only place in Daegu, where Yoongi was really inspired. Where he wrote all of his old songs. It was his last day in Daegu and he felt weird. There was a certain tension between you. You were a bit sad that he had to go but he was an idol and he had priorities. It still felt strange knowing that he had to leave so soon.

It’s a park that was rather small. Both of you walked around a bit and arrived at a hill. In the park, there was a huge hill you spent a lot of time on as teenagers. Maybe he would be inspired to write a song. Yoongi shoved some of the snow away from a bench and you sat down.

There was a safe distance between the two of you as you sat on the rather small bench. You were aching to feel his touch. To hold his hand. And even to feel his soft lips against your skin. You didn’t even know where these thoughts came from. Maybe, just maybe, you had a crush on him. Again. Back then, there was a time period where you were sure that you liked Min Yoongi. Of course, you had boyfriends before but you still felt drawn to your friend.

It wasn’t the first time you thought about that. Old feelings ignited again inside of you. You thought about him all the time. It felt weird knowing that you might have feelings for him again. But that warm fuzzy feeling was good. You felt comfortable around him. Unlike the day he arrived.

You didn’t know what to do or how to feel around him. It got a bit awkward sometimes but in a good way. It was like he never went to Seoul. You felt like you had your best friend back. But you knew you couldn’t expose your feelings to him. You knew that he had to go back to Seoul. He was an idol and you were just a normal person. He probably didn’t even like you back. You felt kind of sad thinking about this touchy subject. But you were realistic. It would never work out.

Yoongi sighed. “I haven’t been here for ages. Time flies, huh?”, he said. His eyes were closed and leaned against the bench.

You knew you were staring but you didn’t care. His eyes were closed you didn’t miss the chance to stare. To your defense, look at him, he was handsome and an amazing person. Everyone would stare!

“You’re staring.”, Yoongi said, his eyes still closed. He could feel your eyes on him.

“N-no, I’m not!”, you told him, your face reddening.

His eyes opened and he looked straight at you. “Are you sure? Your face is flushed. Is that because I caught you staring?”, Yoongi smirked.

“Shut up, okay?”, you said. You took out your sketching book. “Now stay there, I’ll draw you.”

Yoongi looked at you. You looked beautiful in this moonlight. The moonlight illuminated your features. While concentrating on drawing him, he also started staring. He thought that you looked cute while concentrating. You bit your lip while drawing and suddenly Yoongi couldn’t look away.

“Can you-?”, before you could finish your sentence, you noticed that he was staring. At your lips. “Uh, Yoongi?”

“Huh?”, he came back to his senses. “Oh sorry, I guess I zoned out.”, he said sheepishly and scratched his head.

“Yeah…sure.”, you said and gave him a sweet smile. “Here, have a look at the rough sketch.”, you showed him your sketch. “I will draw this for you and you can hang it in your studio in Seoul. As a reminder that you have a friend in Daegu waiting for you.”

Yoongi suddenly felt hot. Friend. A realization hit him and he knew that he didn’t want to just be friends with you. Another realization was that he had to leave soon. It has been three weeks already. He didn’t know how time passed so quickly.

“I… I don’t want to leave you though.”, he gathered the courage to tell you this. “Why don’t you come with me? To Seoul?”

You smiled at him and took his hand. “Thank you for the offer, but no. I like Daegu.”

Yoongi’s heart started beating at a speed that he didn’t know hearts could do. He liked your touch. “But… I could arrange something for you. Really, why don’t you give it a try?”, he didn’t know why he was trying to convince you so desperately.

No. He knew exactly why he was trying to convince you.

“Yoongi… Really. I’m fine here.”, you looked at him with a confused expression. “Are you okay? You seem a bit… I don’t know… sad?”

He couldn’t lie to himself anymore. He knew that he liked you. “Y/N. Look at me.”

You did. Your gaze was full of warmness, admiration and… something else. He couldn’t figure out what though. “What’s wrong?”, you whispered.

Then you noticed that it started snowing. It wasn’t heavy snow but it became windy very quickly. Yoongi moved closer to you after noticing that you started shivering a little. “I don’t know what I’m doing honestly…”

Your heart started beating out of your chest. You were close to Yoongi but never this close. He was confusing you. “Yoongi…”, you whispered.

He put a hand on your cheek and caressed it. “Y/N… I don’t think that I can stay away anymore.”, he told you and pressed his forehead on yours.

“Then don’t stay away.”, you closed your eyes, waiting for him to make a move.

Yoongi was never in such a situation before becoming an idol. He knew he shouldn’t be doing this. For once he forgot about being Suga of BTS. He was Min Yoongi, a guy from Daegu who just wanted to kiss the girl in front of him. You weren’t a girl from a club. You were Y/N, a girl he never forgot about. A girl he cared about, a lot.

He leaned forward and kissed you. You knew that he was about to kiss you but it still took you by surprise. Your body temperature was even hotter than before and suddenly you didn’t feel any of the cold wind blowing around you. Yoongi grabbed your face with both of his hands and pulled you even closer to him.

The kiss was better than everything you have imagined. You always thought that books and movies exaggerated the first kiss with someone you liked. If kissing someone felt like this, then you were sure that the “fireworks” described in those books were real. The soft feeling of his lips left you quickly.

Quicker than you thought.

“I’m sorry…”, Yoongi was caught in the moment. Reality caught up with him. What was he doing? But then he looked in your eyes.

He didn’t recognize the third thing in your eyes. But now he knows. It’s love. “Don’t apologize.”, you said. But before Yoongi could say anything else, you grabbed his shirt and pulled him back to you and kissed him again.

Yoongi immediately responded to the kiss. Maybe just for tonight, he could enjoy this. Just the two of you and your lips against his.

You walked home together, Yoongi’s hand in yours. “I could get used to this…”, you said and smiled at him.

Yoongi knew that you shouldn’t get used to his and you knew that as well. Then you let go of this hand. “I know that we can’t be together… But I’m still grateful for the time we got to spend together. I am also happy that I could express my feelings towards you.”, you said with a sad smile.

Yoongi sighed. “I wish it wasn’t like this. There is no one else that I would rather be with.”, he said and sat down at the doorstep of his house.

“Yoongi, please don’t beat yourself up about this. We go our own ways. Maybe one day, we’ll find back to each other.”, you assured him and sat down next to him. “Pinky promise that we will find each other, no matter where we are?”, you held your pinky finger towards him.

He hooked his pinky finger around yours. “Promise. I want you to be the next big fashion designer, alright? And if we are still single after that… we can see what the future holds for us.”

You nodded, tears falling on your face. It was the best for the two of you. You knew that now was not the time to be together. But you were sure that the time would come. “Yes. I like the sound of that.”

Yoongi stood up and held his hand in your direction to help you up. “We still have this night. Let’s make the best out of it.”, he smiled at you and you went inside.

You spent your last night cuddling and talking. Time flew and you didn’t sleep at all. For the first and last time, you spent the whole night like a couple. You acted like last night didn’t happen. You had to. The feeling of losing him was there and it was scary. But this time you had closure. Yoongi knew about your feelings and you knew his feelings.

Your timing was off this time but the right time would come where you could be with him. His departure was painful and you were sure that you hugged him for at least an hour. You even kissed him when no one was looking. But after he left, it felt like a part of you left with him.

He was gone and so was old Yoongi. After arriving in Seoul, he was inspired to produce and write music. The club visits became less and less frequent until he never really felt like partying. There were no scandals and suddenly everything around him was very calm. He knew now that there were people behind him. People who supported him no matter what. His bandmates, his fans, his family and most importantly: you.

He would feel your connection even though you were all the way back in Daegu. The right time would come. But when?

Only time will tell.

[lovelyparkers]

lifeline - introduction

warnings: allusions to sexy times lol, some spice but nothing explicit, hospitals, mentions of blood/wounds, peter calling you sweets a lot (read the teaser in my imagines book first!) 2k words

at exactly 5 am, your alarm blared, waking you up with a groan. early shifts were not your forte. you hit the button on your phone and rolled over into peter who was lightly snoring, mouth open a little.

you pressed up against his bare back, considering last nights escapades, and wrapped an arm around him to wake you up. peter always insisted that you wake him up before you leave for a shift so he could give you a kiss and maybe eat a quick breakfast for you. sometimes he would go back to sleep for awhile before leaving for his job. peter worked at the daily bugle doing photography while also maintaining a deli counter job at the bodega he frequented as a high school student. both jobs were great for him, he had fun, made extra money, and afterwards he could do his favorite job of all—being spider-man.

"pete," you whispered, "good morning."

he rolled over in your arms to face you, "mmm good morning sweets. i love you."

he rubbed his eyes so he could see you clearly, skin still glowing from last night and he gave you a quick peck on the lips.

"i love you pete."

he placed his head on your chest and closed his eyes again mumbling, "you're so pretty."

you blushed. you've been together for over ten years and he still had that affect on you.

"wanna have breakfast?"

"yes, please," he yawned.

you got out of bed, wearing nothing but underwear, reaching for your robe. peter whistled, watching you put your robe on.

you laughed, "no, nuh uh. don't start this. i have to leave for work in 40 minutes!"

peter grinned, "k."

you walked to the kitchen and starting making some eggs and toast, a quick little meal before you got ready for the day. when you finished cooking peter finally joined you in the kitchen, wearing his boxers and an MIT t-shirt.

"smells so good y/n."

he got out plates and two cups of water for the little kitchen table while you brought the food over, giving peter more because this boy had a big appetite.

"you're such a good cook, how?"

"you tell me that like everyday ya know."

"but it's true! how do you cook so good?"

you got up, cleaning the pan, "i don't know...practice, i guess."

"well i guess i need to practice more after that god awful pasta i made last night."

"pete, it wasn't awful."

"yes it was dont lie to me. it was bad."

you thought for a second, staring at him, "okay well you did overcook the pasta—"

"see! bad!"

"it's okay. you'll learn."

"i don't know, i think it's in my genes."

you laughed and headed to the bathroom to shower and finish getting ready. peter organized all your things for the day by the front door so you could head out right away. he grabbed your white coat, sitting on the couch watching the news waiting for you to come to the front door. at exactly 5:40 am you walked down the hallway, shoes clicking against the hardwood floor.

"okay babe, i'm gonna head out," you walked over to him by the couch before he stood up, smiling at you and holding up your white coat to guide onto your body.

"there you go doctor," he said after helping you put on the coat. you grabbed your bags and fixed your hair one last time in the hall mirror.

"thank you, as always."

you walked back over to him to give him a tight hug. he pulled back and gave you a nice long kiss, knowing you wouldn't be home till around 6 pm.

"go save some lives sweets."

you smiled, "i will. you too!"

he smiled. the two of you saving lives daily, working hard, and loving each other.

———————

you walked onto your floor for the day setting your things in your locker and meeting up with your interns for the day. you quizzed them on questions, answered their questions, and gave them assignments.

"dr. y/l/n?"

"yes?"

carly, one of your interns, perhaps a favorite but you would never say that, called your name.

"what's my assignment today? you didn't give me one."

you waited until your interns left the area before answering carly.

"you are going to be working with me in emergency surgery."

emergency surgery was great practice for when a surgeon had to be quick and precise, even under pressure and time restraint.

"oh, really?"

"yes, i think you're ready first."

carly was extremely smart and disciplined. she graduated top of her class from boston medical school. she was very efficient. and she was like a sister to you, since you lost natasha.

after successfully performing an appendectomy that morning along with carly, you sent her on a break and went to have lunch on your ward you were working on this afternoon. you always sat out on the deck.

fortunate to peter, he knew this was your favorite spot. he came to have lunch with you every so often. and today, he happened to swing by—literally.

you were going through some paperwork and eating a hospital cafeteria salad when a big gust of wind came by. and so did peter. he was swinging in the vicinity of the hospital to get your attention and he sure did.

when you noticed the red and blue hero, your peter, you smiled and waved. he was adorable and you loved that. it made your day. he did little poses while in the air, making you laugh, before swinging off after a few minutes. then peter swung over to the pediatric wing of the hospital and stuck to the windows, crawling around and waving to all the kids.

peter's heart was truly kind. he loved so many people and did so many good things. but a lot of the time, good things rarely happened to him as a hero. he got beat, scratched, shot...you name it. all for what? to protect people? exactly that. he put others first before himself, always. especially you.

——————————

unusually, you arrived at your apartment before peter. your shift ended early and he was still patrolling, giving you a quick call to let you know he would be home late. you decided to relax on the couch after a long day of being up on your feet. in the afternoon there was an issue between two of your interns fighting over a surgery.

the thing is, when it comes to being a doctor, there's no arguing. you do what's right when your told or do what's right yourself. you were disappointed in them, to say the least. if they want to be surgeons, they have to focus on the patient, not themselves. self-flattery has no place in a hospital.

you clicked on an old sit com and watched, before drowsing off into a full sleep.

two and a half hours later, peter cane jumping in through the open window of your apartment, startling you awake. he landed messily on the floor, laying on his back not getting up.

you immediately jumped to his side, seeing the blood pooling onto the floor from his leg.

"peter! what happened?"

you already started to pull off your loose tee shirt, ripping it and tying it securely around his thigh to stop the bleeding. his tight suit should have helped stop it, but it didn't.

peter quickly pulled of his mask, hair a complete mess and brown eyes filled with tears, "i was- i was stabbed."

"what?"

"i was—"

"never mind! don't move, i will be right back."

you were prepared for situations like this. ever since junior year of high school, peter came to you when he got hurt, knowing you could take care of him. you learned plenty of first aid, living with the avengers and being taught by dr. helen cho. as well as having to patch up your sister after a battle.

you kept a first aid kit in your home of course, you were a doctor and lived with a superhero. you rushed to grab and and ran back to peter's side. the blood was staining the white wood floors as he groaned out.

"pete this one is bad. i gotta stitch you up okay. you're gonna be okay but i don't know if that's gonna heal itself."

he nodded.

"let's get you out of that suit," you said pressing the spider on his chest, the suit loosened and you pulled it down his body and off his injured leg after removing the mock tourniquet.

he had bruises all over his abdomen and chest, as well as a black eye. you always got really sad when he came home hurt. but you focused on taking care of him.

you cleaned up his wound, and gave him a few stitches to help it heal faster. he winced, he always did, not because it hurt that bad, but because it was you, and he got stressed when you had to take care of him because he didn't wanna put that on you. but you always took care of him no matter what.

after stitching him up and disinfecting his thigh again, you cleaned up the bloody area and washed your hands. peter was still laying on the floor, suit in a pile next to your fake plant. you knelt down on the ground next to him.

"pete?"

he cried out, "i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i know i said i'd be more careful but there was-i couldnt-it was just- you know."

you teared up, "peter, stop it's okay. you're fine, i've got you."

you rubbed up and down his arm to comfort him. in times like these he was extra vulnerable, he often had flashbacks to tony, thanos, beck, etc. it was a time he needed you most. you pulled him up into a sitting position to give him a long, tight hug. he cried into your shoulder, beat up and bruised.

"it's okay," you whispered, "i love you."

"i love you too," he sniffled out.

"c'mon, let's get you in bed."

you slowly and carefully helped him to his feet, letting him lean his uninjured side into the ground for balance while the other stayed limp—you being his support. you got him into bed on top of the covers and placed an old towel under his leg as well as taping extra gauze on top of the wound.

"thank you y/n."

"of course. i'm gonna bring you something to eat."

"n-no you don't have to you did enough al—"

"please, it will make you feel better."

"okay."

you brought his so heated up leftover pasta in a bowl. enough to make him heal but not so much he got sick from the blood loss. you put on the tv as he ate his pasta in bed. he grabbed and held your hand while the other held a fork.

when he was done you placed the bowl on the nightstand and cuddled into his side. he looked at you for a long while.

"what?" you asked when you notice him staring.

"i just really really am thankful. you always take care of me and never leave. i really love you."

"i love you too. i'd do anything for you peter."

he leaned over to you and captured your lips in a sweet and long kiss. moving your lips together in sync, slowly and lovingly. he placed a hand on your cheek to deepen it even more. eventually he tried to pull you in his lap, much to your dismay.

you groaned against his lips, "mmh no."

peter whined, "why sweets?"

"peter, you just got stabbed, c'mon you need to rest."

"fine," he pouted. he obviously had no limits whatsoever.

"let's go to sleep. and promis me you won't go out tomorrow?"

"okay," he said cuddling up with you, stroking your hair from the side, "i won't. i love you."

"i love you too."

you dozed off safely in each other's arms.

[marshmallow-phd]

Fighting Instinct

Part of The Untamed - EXO Wolf Universe

Genre: Supernatural, Wolf Au

Pairing: Jongdae x Reader

Summary: He went out of his way to ignore you. You saw his kindness towards everyone else, but he showed you only irritation. And you couldn’t blame him, considering your first meeting. However, little do you know that he’s hiding a dark world, one that you’re pulled into against your will….

Warning: none

Part: 1 I 2 I 3 I 4 I 5 I 6 I 7 I 8 I 9 I 10 I 11 I 12 I 13 I 14 I 15 I Final

**

Microbiology was your least favorite class of the semester. And it wasn’t even because you were basically useless when it came to absorbing scientific information or keeping the different theories and discoveries straight. You did well enough to pass the class with a decent grade.

No, it was because you were stuck taking the class with Kim Jongdae.

You didn’t hate him. In fact, you might have even had a bit of a crush on him due to his good looks. Okay, and due to how sweet he could be… to everyone else. He mostly ignored you and he had a semi-good reason for it so you couldn’t completely blame him.

The first time you met Jongdae was at a house party. A house party that you didn’t want to go to in the first place. You were supposed to be going on a date with a guy from your Chinese Dynasties class, but he canceled at the last minute and made it abundantly clear there would be no rescheduling. You were in a miserable mood and all you want to do when you were in miserable moods was curl up under your soft throw blanket on the couch and watch a mind-numbing romantic comedy. But Eun Na was having none of that.

With more force than necessary, Eun Na dragged you out of your apartment and into her car, driving you to some basketball player’s parents’ house for an overly extravagant party you were pretty sure he wasn’t supposed to be having in the first place. Silently from the passenger’s seat, you cursed Eun Na who knew you hated crowds and drunk people. Crowds of drunk people were a category that you went nowhere near. But she didn’t seem to care that night.

As she parked down the street from the house that was located on the outskirts of the rich neighborhood it resided in, you talked yourself through the square breathing technique your dad had taught you when you were younger in an effort to calm your nerves. Eun Na forced you out of the car and you trudged slowly behind her.

The house was stuffed full of college students way beyond the fire safety code. Music blared from the front living room, making you wonder if the people standing right next to the speakers had permanently damaged eardrums. In the back was the kitchen where half-full bottles of vodka, tequila, and other alcohols were scattered all over the counter among abandoned solo cups and ripped open cardboard cases of beer. Eun Na didn’t let go of you until she was right in front of the liquor bottles, grabbing a two liter of coke in the process.

“One drink!” Eun Na yelled over the noise and chatter. “You only have to have one drink! Then I won’t nag you anymore!”

“Fine!” you growled back. Perhaps you could find a plant to pour it in once her back was turned. After shoving a rum and coke in your hand, she stared at you expectantly. Knowing she wouldn’t leave it alone until she saw you take a sip, you brought the cup to your lips. The mixed drink tasted nothing like the ones you’d been forced to try in the past. You couldn’t explain what it was, only that you wanted more.

In a time that was a record for you, you downed the drink and asked for another. Eun Na gladly obliged. Four drinks later and you were starting to feel it, both in your head and in your stomach. Stumbling to find a bathroom before it was too late, you’d ran into Jongdae in the hallway. He’d stared at you strangely, like you were the only one wandering around drunk and on the verge of being sick (hint: you most definitely weren’t). Hesitantly, he reached out to your swaying figure. And that’s when you threw up on his shoes.

After getting you to a bathroom, he made sure you were okay and then high-tailed it out of there. Needless to say, you hadn’t touched an alcoholic drink since.

That was at the end of last semester. To your relief, you hadn’t seen him again after that night. Until the fall semester started and you walked into your biology class to find him sitting right there in the second row. When the two of you made eye contact, the smile vanished from his face and every muscle in his jaw visibly stiffened. He cut off the contact and kept his gaze down. Your shoulders dropped, understanding why you wouldn’t exactly be his favorite person. Thinking it was best for everyone, you broke your seating rule and sat more towards the back so you wouldn’t be even in his peripheral.

It had been two months of excruciating humiliation. No matter what you did, he always seemed to get to class before you could. Being the friendly and personable type, he was always chatting away with someone around him. But as soon as you entered the classroom, his entire demeanor changed. Sometimes, he didn’t even need to be looking your direction. It was like he had a sixth sense for your presence and it created a dark cloud over him.

Today, like any other day, you simply kept your eyes down, not daring to look at him as you hurried to your seat near the back. Only when you were safe in your desk did you dare to look. Usually when you did, you just saw the back of his wavy, dark brown hair. It fell over his forehead at the perfect length and curled at the nape of his neck. Sometimes it would shake from his laughter and you wished you were closer to hear how it sounded. This was not one of those times.

When your eyes met his, you froze. Jongdae was turned around in his seat, staring up at you. But the look in his rich, russet-colored eyes was different than he’d ever given you before. There was genuine concern as his eyebrows knitted together. In a panic, you cut off the gaze, shrinking in your seat. Confused, you tried not to think too much into why he would seem worried for you while you were just embarrassed at how that little interaction was making your heart run a marathon.

What was wrong with you? You hardly knew the guy. Okay, so he was pretty attractive. But that was never the bases for your crushes in the past. And yet, here you were. You liked nice guys and that was problem. He was practically an angel. If you didn’t see him always volunteer to help out someone who didn’t understand or pick up pens that his neighbors dropped, you might have been able to completely ignore him and go on with your life. No such luck. Instead, you were forced to sit there and watch in complete awe without receiving the same. It seemed that no matter what, you couldn’t get Jongdae out of your head. 

There was something inside that was yelling at you to go take the seat next to him before that model-like girl arrived and took her usual place beside him. Where you wanted to be. But you just couldn’t do it.

Letting out a low groan, you laid your head down on the desk until the graduate teaching assistant turned off the lights to start the slide show on today’s lesson. When you risked it again, you look at Jongdae, who’d turned back around to the front like nothing had happened.

**

You were utterly exhausted as you stepped into your apartment. It was your lucky day since you didn’t have to go work at the coffee shop tonight. After about four hours in the library with Eun Na, you were all caught up on homework and free to spend the next day however you deemed fit. 

Well, there was your short morning class. Okay, and you did have a small afternoon shift at the shop. So really, you could spend your free time between eleven and four however you wanted to. Which meant dramas and junk food for five uninterrupted hours to look forward to and no homework to stress about.

Once the door was locked behind you, you dropped your bag on the couch and headed towards the kitchen to find something to munch on. A vibrating sensation from your back pocket made you jump. Pulling out your phone, you read the caller ID: Eun Na.

“Hello?” you answered, wedging the phone between your ear and shoulder while you shuffled leftovers and other foods around in your refrigerator.

“Hey, girl! What’s up?”

You laughed at Eun Na’s upbeat greeting as if you hadn’t just seen her. “Nothing much, just trying to figure out what to eat for dinner.” You picked up a white Styrofoam container, shaking it gently. “Chinese food from last Saturday is not a good choice, is it?”

“Ew, no. Throw that out.” There’s a slight shuffling on her end of the phone and then she was back. “Hey, you don’t work next Saturday evening, right?”

“Uh,” you looked up at your calendar that was magnetized onto the freezer door. “No, I don’t. Tae asked to if we could switch so I only work the mid-day shift. Why? What’s up?”

“A few friends from my neighborhood are having a bonfire and I want you to come with me.”

You whined. “Seriously, Eun Na! I said no more parties. You know what happen last time.”

The one secret you kept from Eun Na was your crush on Jongdae. You knew she would roll her eyes at you, having seen firsthand how he’d gone out of his way to avoid you. But she had heard about your embarrassing first meeting and it’d been your tool to avoid all future escapades.

“It’s not a party,” she argued. “It’s more like a kickback. Twelve of us at the most. Come on, I need my best friend there. Please.” Like a kicked puppy, she started whimpering. You couldn’t stand it when she did that.

No was no longer an option. You slid down to the old, peeling tile floor of your kitchen, leaning your back against the cabinets. “Okay, I’ll go. But not too late okay?”

Eun Na squealed. “Not a problem! Thank you, (y/n)! You’re the best!”

You rolled your eyes, not understanding what the big deal was. But it made Eun Na happy. And, considering what she’d done for you in the past, it was the least you could do for her.

Settling on yesterday’s pizza, you popped two slices on a plate in the microwave and waited for it yell so you knew it was done. Involuntarily, your mind drifted to Jongdae and the look he’d given you. It was almost like he was thinking something was going to happen to you, an accident or some other disastrous situation. Though you didn’t know the reasoning behind the expression, you didn’t think it was pity. If you were honest, you were glad to get some sort of interaction with him that wasn’t pure irritation.

The blaring noise from the microwave pulled your thoughts away from your unnerving classmate and to your stomach, which was gurgling with anticipation. In a somewhat un-ladylike manner, you scarfed down the pizza, remembering to take a few sips of water in between. Satisfied by dinner, but still not quite full, you went back to your freezer and pulled out the pint of chocolate ice cream resting on the top shelf. Then frowned when you took off the lid. Apparently, you had absentmindedly taking a spoonful here and there, leaving only a pitiful amount at the bottom of the cup. With a pout, you put the pint back in the freezer and grabbed your keys, knowing that small little bite was just not going to cut it.

Back out on the streets, you walked diligently to the corner store. The sun hadn’t completely set yet, but the sidewalks were already at a spooky level of darkness. This was a walk you had taken before, but something about the air was sending your senses into overdrive.

As always, you made it to the store and quickly picked out more chocolate ice cream from the cheapest brand. You grabbed M&Ms as a last minute treat for surviving the day. A pathetic excuse for more chocolate, but one you wouldn't disagree with. Grocery bag in hand and purse strewn across your shoulder, you exited the store just to run in what felt like a brick wall. You would have fallen to your butt right there on the concrete if a hand hadn’t reached out and grabbed your arm, steadying you out.

The one who had blocked your path was an obnoxiously tall man around your age. His light brown hair was disheveled on his forehead and his big eyes were wide with worry.

“I’m sorry!” he said quickly. “Are you okay?”

You took your arm back, smiling at him to let him know that you were fine. “All good. Have a good night.”

Before you could get fully past him, the guy stopped you with a hand on your shoulder. “Wait!”

Biting your cheek to keep your mouth shut from a snarky comment that you’d knew you would agonize over later, you turned around to look at him. “Yes?”

“Oh, um, well.” His eyes flickered around while he searched for an excuse. Shaking your head, you began to turn back.

“Just let her go, Chanyeol.”

You stopped. Jongdae appeared behind the tall one – apparently named Chanyeol – and looked at you with that irritated expression again. So much for the concern. To add to the surprise, the nosy guy from the student union walked up beside Jongdae and rounded out the trio. His look was softer this time, closer to indifferent than the cold stare from your earlier encounter.

You were suddenly very intimidated. All three boys were of different heights, but all of them were muscular and toned and definitely not the kind to be messed with. There was nothing about their stances that were threatening towards you, in fact Chanyeol was looking more like a neglected puppy with the frown on his face. But something in your gut was screaming that underneath their pretty faces was something very dangerous. It was best to get out of there.

“Have a good night.”

You only made it about five steps before Jongdae called out to you. Reluctantly, you glanced over your shoulder.

“Be careful.” Sincerity was clearly in his words, but you had a hard time swallowing his warning. You already knew to be careful. Who was he to try and act this way now?

[insideedensgate]

Jacob Seed/Staci Pratt - Stripper and Sugar Daddy AU

This alternate universe has NO abusive content and it stays in NO connection to original relationship which is based on abuse and torture of various forms.

I do not support abusive relationships, nor do I condone that the original basis of this ships lies within such an abusive contact!

But, and because I think these two could probably be adorable, if moved out of their original universe (and being less abusive and inhuman in certain ways), I decided to try this alternate universe out.

With Jacob not being an abusive monster and Staci being of full control of his actions, his mind and his body.

I decided to inform y’all, that I do not support any abuse or non-consent plot and the basis of the here presented relationship in this piece is not based on any of this.

Thank you very much. x

please klick the keep reading to - yeah, keep reading

nsfw-ish

english is not my mother tongue

also, this was heavily inspired by Frank Ocean's “Pyramids”

Staci started working in that luxurious, upper class strip club in Beverly Hills two years ago

he was trying to get into police school back in the days but they eventually didn't accept him to a lack of physical condition

so he started to train more to try again and eventually fell in love with dancing during that process

his best friend Joey Hudson, he knows her since high school, recently started her part time job as a bar keeper at Eden's Gate (she got a bullet in her leg during her second car chase and had to retire, caused by some nerve issues) and got him the job as a dancer

at first, Staci only wanted to stay for a few month and then find something more reputable, but he soon learned that the dim lights, luxurious and elegant interior as well as the loud music was everything he ever wanted in life

one evening, Grace had called herself sick for the week and it was Staci's time to shine on the club's main stage, he enters the club

Staci is overwhelmed by the red hair, the trimmed beard and the two thousand dollar Gucci suit (he's not a gold digger, he honestly isn't, but a beautiful man with a lot of money and a speedy car? He might drop his panties down a lil' bit)

he also immediately recognized this man as Jacob Seed, the older brother of Joseph Seed, the main investor of the club – and shit, he's fucked as the red haired man moves straight to his table

he only heard rumours about him once being a lawyer for war crimes at the UN and that had to retreat from his position, caused by some dubious incidents no one truly knows of and thus, he is now back in LA, assisting his younger brother John and his famous law firm Seed and Partners

there is some very unspectacular guy sitting right in front of Staci and he feels goosebumps rolling over his body as Jacob literally makes him leave by one of the club's bodyguards – just by a simple dismissive wave of his hand

he sits down and unbuttons his jacket and leans back in the expensive armchair, the whole suit is dark with light pinstripes and a fucking light blue bee pattern

Staci flushes as Jacob grins at him sublimely from below, two fingers gesturing for Staci to come closer

and he drops down on his knees, it is like he is fucking high like that Amanda girl from table 6, when she smokes that stuff Timothy brings in - everything just happens so naturally, the way he founds himself crawling towards the edge of the table

and god, is that man beautiful, his hair looking like liquid copper in the dimmed lights of the club, the dark blue of his suit melting together with the burgundy red of the chair and Staci's world is spinning as he presses his chest to the cold, solid table while pushing his hips up

“Aye, Peaches”, the not so unfamiliar man hums after he let his gaze wander over Staci's body a few times, “Knew you were what I was looking for when I came through that door.” “And what are you looking for, Sir?”, Staci smiles nonchalantly, rolling on his back and aching it, hooking his fingers playfully under the waistband of his expensive lace panties, soaking up every second of the blue eyed gaze darted onto him

when he leaves the club late at night, he has three thousand dollars to spent on his own and he hurries the fuck up, considering the cities' areas he has to cross to get home (he is actually so fucking scared he is getting robbed, but he also doesn't think of taking a taxi either)

 the second he comes home he hides the money under his bed and locking the front door twice and he is pretty sure he just heard gun shots down the road

the next day he takes Grace's place again at 8pm (“If that girl isn't seriously ill I'm gonna rip her extensions off”, Mary whines and Staci laughs at that) and there he is again, 9pm on the second, front seat

“Good evening, Peaches”, he mouths as he sits down and opens his jacket, the suit even fancier today, yet still suiting his red hair and Staci's cheeks turn red, his smile shy and Jacob genuinely laughs at that

and that's the game they play for the following two weeks, cat and mouse, Staci dancing for Jacob and only Jacob (“Nice to see you again, Mr Seed”) even though there are other people around they feel so isolated from the world when they see each other, Staci getting paid like he has never been before with the goal to impress the oldest Seed a little bit more every night

one night Jacob isn't around, the front seat taken by some guy who's sixty or what, and Staci honestly feels humiliated (He has found out, during his exceptional research, that Jacob is in his late 40s, which surprisingly doesn't disgust him at all, no he thinks of it as so attractive, “He is way too hot to be that age”)

when he arrives back in the dressing room there's a small white card, with neat black ink inviting him to Providence the same night

underneath the card is a slim black box, containing a fucking 800 dollar suit in dark green velvet

when he arrives there (this time he didn't even had to consider calling a taxi - someone, Jacob's driver as it becomes apparent, is picking him up in a black Mercedes), the whole restaurant is empty and Jacob is sitting there all by himself, and Staci shouldn't be so surprised but he probably booked the whole restaurant

it is one of the most comfortable date nights (he has to calm the fuck down, he is something like this guy's personal stripper, don't get too emotionally attached there - so he tells himself) Staci had in a long time, they talk about this and that and he eventually, just a little bit, feels his stomach tingle and becoming warmer by the minute

Jacob drives him home, after he had Staci mumble the address three times because he was too ashamed to speak it out loud - “So, this is where you live, Peaches?”, hand softly caressing his thigh, which feels so right “Uh, yes. I know it's not, I mean like - “, “Quite dangerous around here, are you sure you don't want to come with me?” and he would love to, but Jacob has already done so much for him, he just doesn't want to be a burden or something like that

he lays awake until the early hours of the next day, worrying if he pissed Jacob off, if he'll ever see him again

but he does, the next time he has a shift, Jacob is there again, taking a sip of his club soda – with scotch he assumes - on ice as Staci walks out on the stage and all the previous anxiety falls off his shoulders

and lord, he can see Jacob's arousal so clearly from up there, the glass in his hand near his mouth slowly tarnishing, the way he spreads his legs is so obvious it makes a familiar heat rise in Staci's belly

that night, they fuck for the first time and Staci doesn't want it to end ever, everything feels so fulfilling, so right and divine, like it was always meant to be this way, the way Jacob fills him up, makes him sore and leaves him greedy, begging for more and screaming out his name in pure, innocent pleasure

when he wakes up, some five star, many Michelin star prized hotel has delivered an overwhelming amount of fruits and pastries for breakfast and he feels like he is still at sleep, dreaming in his small ass bed in his flat, when he sees Jacob standing at the oven in dark blue silk underwear, brewing coffee and making pancakes

“Mornin' Peaches, I hope you slept well”, and the way he emphasizes his words makes Staci so greedy, washing his still tired body with the hot pleasure of lust

Jacob takes him right there, on the kitchen counter two times before they actually move on to breakfast and it is so peaceful, a lot of laughter and shared stories and Staci suddenly realizes, nearly choking on his strawberries, that it feels like fucking home

after a few days of seeing Jacob on a daily basis, fucking and making out, going out for expensive dinner Staci finds a small box once again

it's a key and an address somewhere in South Park, 20 minutes from the club

“Jacob, no. No, I am not going to accept that”, and even through the speaker of his phone he can hear that beautiful laugh that makes him hot all over, “Why not, Peaches? I thought it would suit you. Also, I don't have to be afraid any more that you'll get shot or robbed – or both, or worse.”, “Jacob, there's no way I'm gonna accept this fucking penthouse”, “Language, Peaches”, Jacob warns, but Staci can literally see the smug grin on the other end of the phone

“Fuck it, he's officially your sugar daddy, no matter what you say, Stace!”, Grace laughs when he tells her that his address changed, and Hudson nearly drops one of the fresh polished glasses. “No, he's not! He was just concerned!”, Stacie tries to protest but he knows she's right and he should feel dubious or shady or like a hooker but he doesn't at all

“Good evening, Peaches”, Jacob whispers into Stacie's ear, his trimmed beard tickling the back of his shoulder as he presses gentle kisses on the soft skin and he leans into the touch, carefully dropping the brush he just applied some highlighter with

“Daddy's boy is looking good”, Jacob continues, sending shivers of anticipation down Stacie's spine, “Do you promise to look even better when I pick you up later, Peaches?” “Yes, Jacob”, Staci whispers and smiles at him in the mirror “Good boy, keep your beautiful head up Peaches. And don't forget that I love you - Staci”, he winks and leaves the dressing room and Staci to himself, blushing in a deep red with a whole fucking swarm of bees starting a love-riot in his stomach

[misterclandestine]

My Favorite Stuff from 2017

It’s been a tough one, but there was a lot of awesome stuff that made it easier. Here are some of my favorites in no particular order.

DAMN by Kendrick Lamar, Album - The World felt different once this was in it. Kenny’s 4th release proved he’s just as thoughtful, agile, and hungry as ever.

everyone’s a aliebn when ur a aliebn too by Johnny Sun, Book - You can go through this hybrid graphic novel/picture-book in one sitting, but there’s so much to chew on here that I recommend taking time with this story, which follows Jomny, a misspelling aliebn sent to earth to study human behavior. The brief, direct interactions simply, & hilariously reveal everything beautiful and tragic about what it is to be alive.  

Abstract: The Art of Design, Series - This Netflix series drops you into the lives of 6 masterful creators moving through subcultures of artistry (i.e Footwear Design, Illustration, Stage Design). Each revealing their varying methods, ideas, and joys about creativity. The standout episode follows Christoph Niemann, an illustrator for the New Yorker, and his blue-collar approach to his work.

Game of Thrones: The Spoils of War, TV Series - Though this season was rushed, clumsy and arguably unrecognizable from the compelling and prestigious drama that has unprecedentedly impacted our culture, you won’t find a more gripping hour of television. You know a show is wilding out when you don’t know who the hell to even root for anymore (Get em, Drogo! Wait, not Bronn! Wait, not the incestuous child killer!)

Insecure: Season 2, TV Series - The show you didn’t know you needed. Issa Rae’s hilarious dramedy paints a picture of what it’s like to be young, ambitious, unapologetic, lonely, intelligent, sexy, successful, and losing.

Last Week Tonight with John Oliver: Season 4, TV Series - Oliver’s weekly recap simultaneously manages to be enlightening, funny, depressing, and hopeful. His takedown of Alex Jones was one of the most satisfying things I consumed all year.

Do Not Disturb by Drake, Song - the final track of More Life, a surprise ‘mixtape’, samples ‘Time’ by Snoh Alegra, and is one of his most personal songs to date. Without a chorus, he raps for 3 minutes about not needing romance, fear of irrelevancy, and the quickening passage of time. Gracefully shifting between insecurity and arrogance with dizzying fervor, Aubrey continues to capture the emotional woes of an entire generation.

Get Out, Film - Jordan Peele’s directorial film debut is the rare instant classic, and it’s not because it has one of the most crowd-pleasing endings of all time. The satirical, social commentary cloaked in the guise of a horror comedy, refuses definition, and peels back layers of race, and class previously untouched in cinema.

Melodrama by Lorde, Album - With a kajillion pounds of pressure on her shoulders to follow up one of the best pop debuts of all time, Ella delivers. She croons on top of Jack Antonoff’s unruly production about heartbreak, fame, and the feeble impact of acclaim. As one Twitterer put it “I gain an extra chromosome when the beat drops in ‘Sober II’.

mother!, Film - I can’t say I enjoyed this movie because it was the second most excruciating sit I had at the theater all year (kudos to Justice League), but it left me SHOOK. It’s clearly allegorical, but what makes it masterful is that the way you take this movie in is colored almost entirely by your own personal experiences.

Master of None: Season 2, TV Series - A perfect double-feature to Insecure (give me a shared universe where Dev and Issa are a power couple). Ansari’s relentlessly entertaining series accomplishes what every second season strives for. It tops the first, while redefining and expanding itself. The show is tirelessly committed to the experiences of ‘others’ (a deaf person, a lesbian, a non-believing muslim, service workers in NYC etc.) It’ll leave you crying, laughing, and hungry.

Split, Film - When we’re lucky, films hit ya with “SURPRISE, muthafucka” moments that Jesus himself would not see coming. Shyamalan’s second hit in a row (after a run of all time duds) ends with one 17 years in the making. The iconic villain terrifyingly played with razor-sharp swiftness by the world-class James McAvoy is the icing on the cake.

Isaiah Thomas, Athlete - If not for Russell Westbrook’s record breaking response to Kevin Durant’s betrayal, the “King in the Fourth” takes home the MVP. Watching him play through tears the day after his sister died in a car accident will stay with me forever. His 53 point performance on her birthday a few weeks later starkly reminded me of the unifying, powerful spirit of sport.

Moonlight’s Best Picture Win - I’ll begin by saying that I really liked La La Land. A month after we swore in Don, we got it wrong again… psych! I’ll never forget the roller coaster of emotion that came over me in this moment. Barry Jenkin’s tale told through 3 untraditional acts (titled ‘Little’, ‘Chiron’ & ‘Black’) was gorgeously shot, flawlessly acted, and supremely helmed. It arrived at a time we needed it most and Mahershala Ali FINALLY got his shine.

Coco, Film - We got one shot this year, and we NAILED it. This breathtaking portrait of Mexican culture demands to be seen on the big screen and illuminates the importance of dreams, family, and tradition. No manches!

‘No Man’s Land’ scene in Wonder Woman - There were two times in the theater this year that I felt that sinking drop of a roller coaster in my belly, this was one of them. Gal Gadot and Patty Jenkins must be emboldened and protected at all cost.

Woody Harrelson, Actor - The rare movie-star actor quietly had a phenomenal year, further etching the grooves of his name into Hollywood lore. His turns in The Glass Castle, The War for the Planet of the Apes, and Three Billboards in Ebbing Missouri prove he’s STILL at the top of his game. I’m shocked that his heartbreaking portrayal of a drifting, alcoholic yet whimsical and passionate father in The Glass Castle hasn’t gotten more attention.

S - Town, Podcast - The colder you go into this one, the better. All I’ll say is that you’ll step away from this one feeling some type of way about people, the feeble sustainability of the planet, and clocks.

The World Series, Sports - The. Best. Ever. After being devastated by Hurricane Harvey, the Astros grant Houstonians some restoration via their first World Series Championship in a thrilling 7-game series that was literally witnessed by the World.

The Keepers, Documentary Series- This 7 episode series documenting the varying controversies surrounding the Catholic Church left me epiphanized about what it means to remove the seemingly impenetrable powers of institutions. Targeting one single individual, or a group of individuals or an organization won’t get it done. We must take down the viral ideas themselves.

Bladerunner 2049, Film - Aside from being wondrously constructed technically (you won’t see better production design or cinematography - give Deakins his Oscar now dammit), this story about a robot serves up a surprising amount of soul. Denis Villeneuve, solidifying his auteur status, delivers a nostalgic yet entirely unique follow up to the beloved sci fi classic.

‘Throne Room’ scene in The Last Jedi - This was the other time I felt like I was falling in the theater. Despite considerable problems, Rian Johnson showed us stuff we’ve never seen before in the SW universe. It’s the showdown you dream about as a kid.

The Big Sick, film - Kumail Nanjiani’s autobiographical story of how he met his lover is sorta the woke edition of Meet The Parents. Like Dev on MON, Kumail struggles to blaze trails while upholding loyalty to family and falls in love for a white girl along the way. Ray Romano and Holly Hunter turn in a pair of the year’s best performances.

Big Little Lies, Mini Series - I resisted the marketing for this one initially: dissatisfied, rich folk in Monterey. But the re-teaming of Jean-Marc Vallée (Wild, Dallas Buyers Club, Demolition) & Reese Witherspoon seemed promising. Momentum grew with each weekly installment (I overheard people theorizing whodoneit in restaurants), which is refreshing in the Netflix age. The leads are all stellar (believe the hype about Kidman) and Zoe Kravitz proves she should be working more.

Creature Comfort by Arcade Fire, Song - A painful examination of youth that’s equally heartbreaking and melodic.

Homecoming Season 2 - The fictional podcast about the remnants of a government coverup of a failed rehabilitation program for distressed veterans makes some questionable narrative choices in it’s second season and Oscar Isaac is absent throughout most of it (likely due to a loaded schedule). He does “appear” at the end of the second episode ‘CIPHER’, in a brilliant usage of audio storytelling, and it left me in puddles.

Mindhunter, TV Series - We all know Fincher is a technical maestro, but I don’t think he gets enough credit for being a complete storyteller, which he clearly is. The 13-episode made-to-binge Netflix series based off the book by the same name follows Holden Ford, an idealistic FBI profiler, and Bill Tench, played by Holt McCallany subverting every macho character role he’s ever taken on as a highly intelligent, hardened fed, as they attempt to break ground on our understandings of serial murderers. All of Fincher’s trademarks are there with sprinkled elements of Seven, & Zodiac.

Tyler the Creator’s Tiny Desk Concert, Podcast - I enjoyed ‘Flower Boy’, but didn’t find myself returning to it. That all changed after this. In a year of fantastic TDCs (i.e: Thundercat, Chance the Rapper) Tyler’s stands out. With help from a pair of stellar background singers, his array of talents are on full display, namely: composing and orchestrating melody and harmony.

Colin Kaepernick, Athlete - it’s not about the flag or the military don’t @ me.

20th Century Women, Film - Released wide in January, it remains one of the year’s best. Set gorgeously in 1970′s Santa Barbara, Mike Mills’ deeply personal tribute to motherhood, women, & outcasts overflows with heart.

Kamala Harris, (D) CA Senator - She is so bad, can we get started on the 2020 bumper stickers now?

What Now by Sylvan Esso, Album - ‘Hey Mami’ from their 2014 debut popped up on my Pandora one day and I was IN. Amelia Meath’s angelic vocals layered over Nick Sanborn’s unpredictable production is sublime. The “Echo Mountain Sessions” include dope af live recordings of the album’s standout tracks.

Logan, Film - The Wolverine movie we deserve also features a star-making performance from Dafne Keen and an unrecognizable Professor X. With a decade between the last time he inhabited his iconic portrayal of Charles Xavier, Sir Patrick Stewart strides (wheels?) back into the role with award worthy tact.

Fargo Season 3, TV Series - The best season yet and that’s really saying something. David Thewlis is haunting as Varga, the creepiest, most frightening villain in the series’ history and a collection of top-tier thespians rounds out the rest of the cast. There’s also a moment in one of the later episodes similar to the ending of ‘Split’ that’s a real delight.  

Mr. Robot Season 3, TV Series - Showrunner Sam Esmail moves us through this complex dystopia, which has begun to bear resemblance to our reality lately, with complete CTRL. We see Mr. Robot AND Bobby Canavale like never before. That oner episode is pretty cool too, but it’s not even the season’s best.

Other Notables: Patton Oswalt: Annihilation, Girls Trip, The Leftovers Season 3, Glow, Twin Peaks: The Return, Ingrid Goes West, BEAUTIFUL THUGGER GIRLS by Young Thug, Add Violence by NIN, Good Time, Stranger Things: Season 2, Legion, Dunkirk, Crashing, NO ONE EVER REALLY DIES by N.E.R.D, 4:44 by Jay-Z, Dirty John, Wind River, Dear White People

FYI: I still haven’t seen/listened to a lot of stuff, namely all the big award contending films.

[mcrmadness]

Bit of anxiety related stuff once in a while...

It’s been a while since I’ve written here and I think the next time is now.

WARNING: Long post is long........................................ *sigh*

It’s the worst time of the year for me here in Finland atm. The seasons change, the darkest time of the year. Here during the darkest months (basically) the day is is just a few hours long (like... 6-8?) and the rest of the day is just dark after dark. The worst part for me is always the time after Christmas and before the days start to really get more bright and when we start to finally get those sunny days. So it’s rare to even see the whole damn sun during this time even tho it’s light outside. It’s still not bright. (And when February and the sun finally arrive, it’s good for my mind but bad for my head as I start to get more headaches and sometimes also migraines just because of how bright everything is.)

Seasonal Affective Disorder is a thing over here and that’s what affects me also, I treat it with “bright light therapy” which mean I have this bright light thingy at home and I have to sit in front of it. It really does help (it simulates sunlight) but the polar night is never easy for me. Especially when I don’t have enough time for that light as I ALWAYS start to sleep less even tho I’m more tired than during summer. I guess getting up in the morning just annoys me so much that I think to myself the morning comes slower if I go to sleep later. And it’s also making everything worse as I’m so tired 24/7 yet I feel like I just don’t have enough free time in 24 hours and I just keep procrastinating everything.

This also always makes my health anxiety worse and atm it’s pretty bad. I’m really anxious and tense 24/7, the darker it gets, the worse it gets. It does not leave me alone during the daytime either, but somehow the nights are just the worst. I have this congenital heart defect that was operated when I was 3 years old, it’s fine and I don’t need meds but I just need to have it checked every two year. And this is exactly the same situation as it was 2 years ago when I had the check last time. It always gets so worse because I feel like 2 years is so long time and anything is possible. I can’t trust my own body because in my mind I live my life as if I was sick at some part of my body. It changes over time and by whhere I’ve feeling these “symptoms”. But right now my heart is the number one. It has always been somewhere back there in my life and I’ve been to therapy for a year now and now we talk about it as a possible post-traumatic stress disorder caused by my heart surgery. I feel like it defines my whole life. In reality, competitive sports are the only thing that is prohobited for me but it’s okay because I’ve never liked sports. And I start to feel bad about just normal sport (nothing heart related, just the overall feeling of it. I can’t stand heat and I hate sweating and it makes me feel sick. There’s been only one time in my life when sports have caused me to feel the rush of endorphin but usually it just feels bad as I’m a HSP / Higly Sensitive Person.) But the problem here is that my mind doesn’t understand the difference and it thinks I’m mortally ill. Like, I constantly feel like I shouldn’t do this or that because I’m ill and it could kill me. When in reality I’m not ill. Hypochondria, you could say...

It’s really tiring to be this sensitive about your own body functions. And even if I don’t feel anything different I still WAIT for something to happen. I’m just alarmed 24/7, ready to panic and do something if needed. Usually I just go to my parents’ house “to be observed” or try to talk to my siblings and so. I feel like it’s mixture of everything. Bit like OCD but instead of being afraid of illnessess I could get from somewhere, I’m afraid of illnessess that appear out of nowhere _inside of you. The idea of not being able to control your own body is so scary. Your own body could kill you and it’s scary as hell. It’s so scary that I procrastinate about shower and sleeping because I feel like those places are where I’m the most vulnerable. I haven’t showered in couple of days because only time to do so is in the evening (except when I have a day off) and that’s when I get tired and also most anxious and I can’t take a shower because I’m so afraid of my own body and those panic attacks that it’s easier to not go there and just sit here waiting for the possible panic attack, than take a shower and have a panic attack and then try to be as fast as possible because how embarrassing it would be if I needed emergency and I’d be naked when they find me. It’s easier to be fully clothed if needed to leave fast than to be in shower. I’ve also slept couple of days on my cough because falling asleep is scary, or the moment when everything is quiet and it’s just you and your own body and you feel every damn heart beat, every palpation and every beat that is normal, but for some reason it feels through the whole body as if the whole body was shaking to those beats. It’s easier to watch tv and fall asleep “accidentally” when you’re concentrated on something else.

It’s bit like the years 2006/2007 all over again. I had really hard time because of my heart. Only way to me to deal with it was to concentrate on My Chemical Romance’s music and dvd. I shit you not when I tell that I listened to them and watched that goddamned dvd every damn day, literally I heard them 24/7. It helped me to concentrate on something else than my own anxiety. It was all heart related, I was 15 and it was my last class at school and I was so burnt out because of the whole school, I had really hard time sleeping because I was afraid to fall asleep because I was so afraid that I would die in my sleep, I slept with light on so it’s was not only darkness I saw with my eyes closed. In the end I got over it in one night when I realized I was so burnt out and stressed out that I started reacting to that with my body. It tried to tell me to clam the fuck down, to sleep and take days off, I felt it in my heart because it was the only way my body felt it could tell me to stop beating myself up. Even tho I had already given up, I didn’t go to school or anything but it was so bad every day because every morning I knew I SHOULD HAVE GONE and I knew the next day someone would say me that I should go to school, they would call us from the school to tell how I really should be there. I don’t think I got any sick leave either so it was really hard for my diligent personality to have again and again and again one day off school when I basically did that “illegally” and it made me feel even worse even tho I was so tired that my mornings started when I couldn’t sleep anymore as I had already woken up and my heart said hello to me so I got up and with my blanked I always sat down next to the living room’s radiator and I just kept crying because I wasn’t able to leave to school today either.

This is not so bad as back the whole situation was, as now I’m not forced to do anything, but just the way the seasons change affect my mood and anxiety is pretty annoying. It has always changed over time, some years are worse than others but it always gets better somewhere around February or March. January is always really dark month for me, figuratively as well as literally.

I think one reason this gets this bad every second year is the fact I probably start to stress the heart check. (It’s just EKG and ultrasound so nothing huge.) At the same time I’m relieved it’s finally here but also I’m afraid to hear if there’s something wrong. It’s really hard with this type of health anxiety because I don’t really know what I even except. I hope everything is okay but... when it is, it feels good for a while but I know the anxiety will always come back so at the same time it’s not actually that relieving because I know the physical/psychosomatic symptoms will come back eventually. Sooner or later I start to experience palpations and in my head I start to live as something was wrong inside of my body. When everything is okay it’s relieving but I can’t help it, in my head I also always immediately start to question the doctor. What if they just missed something serious? The ultrasound was so quick, how could they see everything in that time? Also my heart NEVER skips a beat or has palpations during EKG or ultrasound. NEVER, I always tell them I have them but they never show up during those tests!!! Atm another big thing for me probably is the fact this time there’s different doctor than what I’ve had ever since I started seeing cardiologists specialized to adult hearts. And as I haven’t seen this cardiologist ever before it of course scares me to hear her thoughts on everything and also I’m afraid if she will notice something the other one never did. If she uses the ultrasound for longer time? What if she sees something new there? What if her opinions differ from the other’s opinions a lot? It’s so scary. 

For me, I have trust issues. I feel the same about my heart as I do with my car when I’ve took it to checkup: it was okay by now but did they check everything properly and few months before the next checkup I’m terrified because I’m afraid something might have broken up after the previous checkup and what if my car randomly catches fire or explodes. With my heart, I start to feel “symptoms” that could be severe and with my car I start to smell smoke when there’s no smoke. Nothing is more terrifying than driving long distances and sensing something that causes so horrible panic attack that you will sit so tensed for the rest of the day. Last week I had one, this time about my heart and I was so afraid something would happen and it was dark and in Finland there’s forests between cities and I was so afraid something would happen to me while I’m in the middle of nowhere when it’s pitch black everywhere and if no one finds me. I felt better everytime I saw someone driving behind me because I knew they would notice if something went wrong. But as soon as they drove past me, my anxiety got worse. It’s this “need of eyewitnesses” I have, I need someone to be around when I’m having a panic attack so there would be at least someone to do the emergency call if I can’t do it myself. So far I’ve never done one and I’ve never been to hospital because of my “symptoms” because I’m too deep into this mental illness shit that I keep telling me everything is me just being mental yet at the same time I’m afraid of the thought “what if it is not?” I don’t want to go to hospital just because of my psychosomatic things, it��s be so embarrassing and also there’s real sick people that need their help and I don’t want to waste their time with my bullshit when someone could actually die over there.

I so hope I get to see a psychiatrist soon enough. I still haven’t got any of this diagnosed but I feel like I need SOMETHING because right now I kinda can’t fully believe it’s all just psychosomatic because I has this belief in my mind that I can’t be mentally ill if I don’t have papers for it. Havening it written down would be best thing in the world. I think it would actually make me feel much better than a cardiologist saying “everything is alright”. When obviously SOMETHING is not right SOMEWHERE. Maybe in my body there’s nothing wrong but in my mind there’s so many things so fucked up that I feel like a complete mess. I guess it’s like having papers all over your desk and floor but no one gave you the empty folders where to put them into. I feel that I need those folders so I can arrange my papers and finally have some kind of peace when I know at least something in my mind might finally be in order. I don’t know if it would work like this but I believe it would help, even a little. Actually I think it would make me feel better about myself because right now I feel like I have no right to be who I am because I always am told that I can’t be this and that if I don’t have it diagnosed. Or people ask why you always have to have something wrong when I say something about wanting to have a diagnose. It’s not me wanting something to be wrong but me wanting to name something I already have. Imagine that legs and arms didn’t have any names and try then to tell people that you have these four things, “maybe two of them could be legs but I’m not really sure as no one has really told me what they are so I guess they’re legs but I just hope someone would name them so I didn’t feel so weird walking on two sticks that might or might nor be called legs...”

At least in my country being mentally ill is kinda... taboo? Like, here’s LOTS AND LOTS of us but people are easily ashamed of it and it’s something you don’t really discuss. People don’t wanna talk but even less they wanna hear. For some reason it’s something that is really... awkward subject. And often it feels like people start to see you through their prejudice even if they had known you for years. As if it would change the person. Only thin there has changed is that this other person now knows something they didn’t know 2 seconds ago. Yet the whole person can turn very awkward as if they no longer knew how to act around you. I just would like to have things diagnosed and to be able to tell people about these things that are part of me without being judged by something they don’t even know any facts about.

So my point here was that I meant to take a shower today but I'm too tired and tensed and overstimulated (HSP) that I couldn’t do that even today, so I have to take a shower in the morning. I anyway have therapy tomorrow, so... This Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) has also got to this point now where I wouldn’t bother washing my dished either. I should cook something tomorrow but I don’t really think I can manage and do that tomorrow. I should do the dishes first and... nah. But with days like these I always try to tell myself it’s okay to not feel good everyday. It’s okay to be tired and if I don’t manage the dishes, then I don’t. Then I do it the other day but I don’t make it somethig to stress about because it’s just bunch of tableware and not so big deal. I’ll do them eventually but if today’s not the day, then it isn’t and it’s okay. 

Btw, talking of MCR, bit over a week ago they uploaded outtake versions of each of their music videos to YT and I watched all of them of course. Well, some of them actually made my anxiety to go away. But some of them, those who I associate with the dvd Life on the Murder Scene the most, actually caused the anxiety to get worse. For the next couple of days I felt the crippling anxiety in my stomach every time I thought about the videos. I guess it was because the last time I’ve actually seen anything about those videos was when I had this rough break down when I was 15/16 and even tho it felt bad watching those, I still watched them. I guess it was bit like violently tearing open the old (mental) wounds. And I have a lot of mental wounds, tbh. I think there’s a lot I have never actually dealth with any of them the way they should be taken care of. I just got so used to negative experiences I took them but just... buried them somewhere and now they’re popping up as memories like some old haunting ghosts. I feel like my whole life is like a sea of old ghosts and that I should go and talk to each of them separately to make them feel better about themselves...

Idk. There’s just so many thoughts right now. Or that’s bit wrong actually, I have always too many thoughts goind around in my head. It never stops. I don’t really know how to start dealing with all this but I feel like by writing this, some of those “papers” in that metaphor back there have already found their places. It’s possible that the shelf containing all those “files”also will be never ending shelf, but I still feel that it’s be better to have those papers in files in a shelf than to have them piling up around you until you drown in them.

Now, I think I go and try to sleep. This wall of text actually made me feel a slightly better already. I just hope somewhere in this world would be something or someone who would have time for things like these. In therapy there’s never enough time. Not even if there’d be some 24/7 therapy and if I get to be there for a week straight, I still think I’d feel like that I’ve not done yet. But anyway, this is enough, for now.

Thanks for reading, if there’s still anyone after this text ends.

[nettheworldonfire]

If the Genes Fit, Test Them.

It’s been 2 weeks since I’ve last posted.  Somewhere between the drama and chaos that was diagnosis, first treatment, and weaning my 6.5 month old external tumor, and now the end of life as we know it (also known as COVID-19), I just didn’t have much to say, or much time to say it.

So while Charlie is sleeping, and Olive is screaming at me in her typical zombie-esque growl and tossing each toy I give to her on the ground, repeatedly, I’ll painstakingly stop and start this post, until I’ve given a short update about all that has been going on.

Genetic Counseling Update: On Wednesday I spoke to a genetics counselor over the phone.  I was supposed to go in, but the appointment was modified due to COVID-19 and we took care of everything via phone.  The counselor’s name was Stephanie and she was extremely kind and informative.  She called me promptly at 8 am and the call lasted almost exactly one hour, like she said it would.  (I kind of wish all appointments were this easy.)  They are sending me out a saliva swab kit to test my DNA.  The kit should arrive within a week, I’ll send it back out, and I should have those results within a month.  Easy peasy.

Stephanie said that about 10% of neuroendocrine tumor patients are genetically predisposed to getting cancer.  While only about 1 of those percents are people with my type of neuroendocrine tumors, due to my family history, they think it is smart to check.  On my mother’s side, I have a second cousin who also has pancreatic neuroendocrine tumors and liver metastasis (she recently started Lanreotide injections, too).  Additionally, my mother’s father had a neuroendocrine tumor on his spine, near the nape of his neck, which they assumed was was not cancerous, even though it was fatal. He was diagnosed in the 70s though, and then Neuroendocrine tumors were thought to not be cancerous because of how slow-growing they are.  When I was diagnosed 8 years ago, we tried to access his records from his more recent Jefferson hospital stays/surgeries (he passed away in the early 2000s) but we were not able to obtain them.  Anyway - that is enough to make this a fishy scenario. And in the words of the counselor, “reasonable to think there is an underlying genetic predisposition.”

While the most important reason for genetic testing right now is to find out if my immediate family may also be at risk for these type of tumors, it can also be helpful to know what treatments may be beneficial.  If an underlying genetic cause is found, it would trigger two things - testing for my mother and brothers, and testing for my children.  A genetic predisposition has a 50/50 chance of being passed to your children, so therefore, if I have it (presumably from my mother, since it’s on that side of the family) it would typically indicate that she does and my brothers and children have a 50/50 chance of having it, too.  There is yet a third consideration though - which is that it is a NEW genetic predisposition started with ME.  Apparently, there are 10 new genes in each baby, that did not come from either mother or father, meaning that issues like these can start with anyone, at any point (crazy, huh?).  

They told us that this testing, if not covered by insurance, costs $250 per person - something I think is worth it, in the long run.  I don’t think they would test my children now, but they said they would fairly early - and if they also have the gene - they would be followed/scanned regularly to ensure there are no tumors.  Definitely not the sort of thing you want to have passed down to the kids (I think they would prefer a family fortune, or a shorehouse) - so fingers crossed that I don’t have this gene and it’s all just a horribly shitty coincidence.  

Adventures of Olive in Formula-land Update:   My (adorable) hungry, hungry hippo is now taking 25-30 ounce of formula daily, from a regular medela bottle with a disposable enfamil nipple (go figure), like a freaking champion.  This girl can eat.  She is so proud of her bottle-loving self, that she gets up three or four times a night to show me how much she loves her fancy formula.  Luckily, she is four months away from regular old milk (or an abundance of yogurt and cheese, the route Charlie opted for) and we can stop spending $30 a week on her elitist beverage of choice.  I joke, but really I am thrilled that the horror of weaning is over.  That nearly killed me.  And in more personal news, I didn’t even have to pump that long, didn’t really get sore, and have pretty much stopped producing much at all - so that is a literal relief.

University Update:  After learning I was locked into paying for the course I had started a few days before my diagnosis, I was annoyed and anxious about what was the best course of action.  I decided that it would be better, for the purposes of my sabbatical (and needing to complete a certain amount of my program to meet the requirements of my district and not owe them back what I’ve earned this year) to struggle through the course, versus withdrawing, if we were paying for it either way.  So that’s what I did.  But, but rather than struggle through the course, I just kind of didn’t do anything.   I felt overwhelmed even thinking about it, so it was easier not to.  And I didn’t.  This past week, as week 8 (the final week) of my course began, I discussed my options for salvaging the course, so that I might at least “pass” with my chairperson.  She was accommodating and understanding, and now with even more craziness in the world, sympathetic.  She and I discussed a minimalist approach to completing back-work and hitting the milestones I missed in the last few weeks, so that I could still get some late credit.  I felt like so many of my students, basically asking, “What is the very least amount of work I can do and still pass your class?”  I suppose what goes around, comes around?

I started working my dissertation proposal again Thursday and will have more to work on this weekend - but should be able to pull off a small miracle.  I did send a crass email to the finance department and will likely be taking a hiatus from the program, as I am not sure where to go from here.  While I want to finish this dissertation and accomplish what I set out to -- I also just don’t give an eff at this point, and may want to spend the tiny bits of spare time I have doing things that make me genuinely happy.  After all, you only live (or die) once, and If the last two months say anything about life, well - that’s enough to scare anyone into treating each day as your last.

Side-effects Update: After my first injection, I felt okay for awhile, then got extremely tired for about two hours.  Later that night, I was quite nauseous and vomited a couple times.  By the next day, I felt a little wonky and sick - but overall, not terrible (more like a bad hangover).  Within two or three days, I think I felt normal again (what is normal anyway?).  Even now, almost three weeks later, I can still feel a bulbous spot in my upper butt cheek and from time to time it is sore.  I can definitely see why they recommend doing the injection on alternate sides.  The specialty pharmacy called me this week and everything is set up for my shot to arrive at Dr. Rose’s office sometime next week. He should be back to work on Monday and I am hoping he calls me with next steps/ideas.  The only thing I know for sure is that I need to get blood work next week and I am not looking forward to sitting at Labcorp and germ swapping with my Abington area neighbors, but I will be careful.

Anxiety Update: I started a daily dose of 5 mg of Lexapro about the same time as I started the Lanreotide - I think I have been on it for 25 days maybe.  I can’t really tell if I feel a difference because everything has calmed down a bit, and we have a plan of action to tackle this cancer and I am not actively writing my dissertation - or if the medication is working?  Hard to say.  I do feel better(ish), minus the impending shitstorm that is COVID-19 lurking around every corner.  My doctor, however, didn’t think I was any more susceptible than a normal 37 year old, so that was the good news.  The bad news is, that if they start making triage decisions based on health - metastatic cancer is one of the things that means you don’t get a ventilator - so I better watch my back (and wash my hands, and not touch my face, and all that jazz).  We’re socially distanced though, and other than my appointments, we will remain that way until things are less deathy out there.

Options Update: I am assuming that the whole COVID-19 thing has changed his thoughts on doing the embolization in April, and since Dr. Teitelbaum felt it was something we could hold off on, I think that may be the route we go now.  I don’t even know if they would do it, or if it would be considered elective.  Not that anyone would elect to go through this, but you know.  Hoping I will have a conversation with him on Monday to sort this all out.  Til then...

* Dark side: Quarantine, still, and maybe forever.

* Bright side: A lull in posts means a lull in “activity” means a lull in bad news - I’ll take it! * Next steps:

3/30/20 - Conversation with Dr. Rose about the plan of action

4/1/20 - 10:00 a.m. - Bloodwork at Labcorp

4/6/20 (tentatively) - next Lanreotide injection (I forgot to write down the time!)

* Sciencey GIF:

[seriestrash]

The Story of Us

PROLOGUE || 1 || 2 || 3 || 4 || 5 || 6 || 7 || 8 || 9 || 10 || 11 || 

Chapter Twelve: Happy You’re Here

Word Count: 1675

✮ ✮ ✮ ✮ ✮ ✮ ✮

After a telling conversation with Jed Sunday evening and a very emotional phone call with her parents, Riley finally passes out in her room. 

The following morning it’s a knock at Riley’s door that wakes her. The brunette stirs in bed. She feels completely drained, quite the contrast from the revitalising sleep she had the night before last.

Jedediah pokes his head through the door. “Time to get up for school, Riley.” He says softly. “I’ll drive you today.” 

“Thank you.” Riley gives him a small but sad smile. 

The older man leaves Riley to get herself ready for school. Riley opens the tall old-fashioned wardrobe and looks at her clothes. On one side there were the things Topanga sent over and on the other were Maya’s old clothes. For the first time in days Riley felt like wearing one of the ripped shirts. After some quiet contemplation Riley changes into an outfit from the side holding her own clothes. 

Once ready, Riley drags herself downstairs, her school backpack slung over one shoulder, her steps sluggish. Riley’s mood pricks up a little when she catches the end of Jed’s phone conversation. 

“... Yes, Topy. Okay. Yes. I’ll tell her. Alright I have to go now or she’ll be late for school... I love you too.”   

“That was mom?” Riley asks once she hits the bottom of the stairs. 

“Yes. She was a bit worried after you called her last night.” Jed nods. 

“Sorry.” Riley shifts awkwardly in place. 

“Don’t be.” Jed says sincerely. “Topanga was just checking in. She says she loves you and will talk this afternoon. Riley gives him a small nod and they head to school.

During the car ride to school with Jed, Riley’s initial exhaustion - which spurred from how emotionally draining the previous evening was - quickly turned into an empty feeling. Something Riley could only describe as numb. Like life was being lived around her. A disconnect to her immediate reality. 

The numbness stuck with Riley all day. The only release she had from her own thoughts came at lunch when Mabel drags Riley outside to the secluded bench where she goes on to, very excitedly, share details of her walk home with Thomas Saturday evening and their first date that followed. 

Riley is happy for her friend and does get caught up in the story but once the bell rings signalling the end of lunch, she’s forced back into the state of shock she’d been in all morning. 

Finally, the end of the school day arrives. The New Yorker is extra quiet on the bus, just like how she’d been all day. An anxious Lucas sits one seat behind her and Mabel sits in the seat in front. 

Once at her stop, Riley exits first. Her strides are a little quicker than usual as she wanted to get back to Jed as soon as possible. 

“Riley, are we okay?” Lucas fastens his pace in attempt to keep up with the brunette as she marches down the street.

“Yeah, why wouldn’t we be?” Riley keeps her gaze focused on the road ahead.

“You’ve been acting strange all day.” Lucas says.

“Would you like me to apologise for being weird?” Riley almost snaps.

“No…” Lucas frowns. Riley could be confusing at times, usually he felt he had a pretty good read on her but this was another level. “You didn’t show up to see Zay off this morning-“

“I’ll see Zay when I go back to New York.” Riley is blunt. “Because I will be going home. Probably very soon.”

“Okay..” Lucas is struggling to keep up with Riley as she walks with purpose ahead of him. “And you didn’t sit with us at lunch today.”

“I sat with Mabel.” Riley sates. “She was telling me about Thomas. She couldn’t do that in front of him.”

“Yeah that makes sense.” Lucas nods. “I kinda wanted to talk to you about how we left things yesterday.” 

“Lucas, I’m sorry but...” Riley trails off when she spots someone in the distance sitting on the porch steps of Jed’s house. 

“Who's that?” Lucas followed her line of sight. 

“That’s my little brother.” Riley’s face lights up. The backpack that she has slung over one shoulder slips off and hits the road as Riley quite literally sprints towards Jed’s house. Once Auggie spots his sister he jumps up too and they meet by the mailbox where they slam together in a hug. Riley loves moments like these when Auggie wasn’t too cool to love his big sister. 

“Auggie!” Riley squeezes him tightly. 

“I missed you.” Auggie says mid embrace. 

“I miss you too, Augs.” Riley gives him another quick squeeze before pulling away to look at him. “Mom and dad?” 

“They’re inside.” Auggie grins. 

Riley looks towards the house and through the window she sees her mom and dad speaking to each other. As if she sensed her, Topanga turns towards Riley, they lock gazes and both wear sheepish smiles. 

Riley breaks her stare once Lucas finally reaches the mailbox, he has Riley’s fallen pack in hand. 

“Thank you.” Riley takes it off him with a quiet giggle.  

“No problem.” Lucas half smiles. 

Auggie clears his throat. Riley lets out a little chuckle. “Auggie this is Lucas, he lives next door. Lucas, this is Auggie my not so little brother.” Riley ruffles his hair. 

“It’s barely been a month, don’t start crying about how much I’ve grown.” His tone heavily suggests sarcasm. ‘Cool’ Auggie was definitely back. 

“Yeah, yeah.” Riley rolls her eyes with a smile. She even missed their bickering. 

“I should probably let you get inside.” Lucas says. 

“Okay.” Riley nods slightly. Her mood completely different to that of two minutes ago. “I’m sorry for being weird today... and yesterday... We can talk soon.” 

“Hey, I never wanted you to apologise for being weird.” Lucas takes a few backwards steps. “But I won’t say no tho that talk.” With that he turns on the heels of his boots and walks towards his house. 

“When did you get here?” Riley turns her attention back to Auggie. 

“A couple hours ago. We left home this morning.” 

“Do you know what’s going on?” Riley’s mood deflates a little. 

“Mom and dad explained last night.” Auggie nods. 

“I’m happy you’re here.” Riley wears a small smile. 

The two make their way up to the porch. Riley grows nervous as her hand hovers above the handle. Feeling silly, she shakes her head, opens the door and enters Jed’s home. Within seconds she’s engulfed in a three way hug with both her parents. Riley sinks into the comfortable familiarity that is the embrace. 

Once the warm family reunion is out of the way, Riley is still left with the excited rush feeling she’s had since she spotted Auggie out on the street. 

“How long are you here for?” Riley asks. 

“For the time being, indefinitely.” Topanga is the one to answer. Riley knew exactly what that meant. 

“What about work and school for Auggie?” Riley questions. 

“Your mother and I have plenty of holiday time and I can homeschool Auggie for now.” Cory speaks next.

“You can stay in class or study here with your father too.” Topanga adds. 

“I’m really happy you’re here.” Riley smiles genuinely. 

Throughout the rest of the evening there is still a slight off feeling lingering in the air but overall it was pleasant. Riley notices how happy Jed seems to have his daughter present and how interested he was in acquainting himself with Auggie.  Once everything settles down, Riley excuses herself from the dinner table and heads upstairs for a moment. Riley sits cross-legged with her back against the balcony doors. It’s only a few short moments before Topanga enters the room too. 

“Bay window?” She asks with a soft smile. Riley nods. “May I join you?” Another nod from Riley and Topanga is joining her on the floor.   

Topanga is smiling, her grin softens as she broaches the sensitive subject. “How are you, honey?” 

“I’m okay. I have to be, right?” Riley’s smile is sad. 

“Hon, you’re just getting to know your grandfather and now you have to deal with the fact that he’s sick.” Topanga states. “It’s fine to be upset about that.” 

Riley does her best not to cry. “What’s going to happen now?” 

“Tomorrow your father and I are going to go to some appointments with Jed and we’ll see from there.” 

“Does grandma know?” Riley asks. 

“Yes, we spoke to your grandma and grandpa before our flight this morning.” Topanga nods. 

“No, I meant your mom.” Riley clarifies. 

“Oh.” Topanga is slightly shocked. “No, I haven't spoken to her about it...” 

“Are you going to tell her?” Riley questions. 

“That’s a little complicated, Riley. My parents have been divorced for years.” Topanga is more awkward than usual. “It might be hard for you to understand..”

“That’s what I’ve spent three weeks here trying to do. Understand. Where I came from, why I’m here and it’s the same answer for both. Love.” Riley says. “Did you know this is where grandpa met grandma?” 

“I did.” Topanga nods softly, quietly in awe of how mature her daughter seems. 

“Then you know he moved back to a place that reminds him of the time they fell in love.” Riley says. 

“Yes but that was a long time ago, Riley.” Topanga frowns. 

“If you and dad were to ever split up, even on the worst of terms, I can’t imagine you not wanting to know if dad was sick.” Riley holds her mothers gaze. 

“Okay.” Topanga nods knowing her daughter is right. “I’ll speak to her.” 

Riley cuddles into her mothers side. “I’m really happy you’re here.”

“So that boy this afternoon, was that Lucas?” Topanga asks a devilish tone in her voice. “The boy next-door you talk about on the phone?”

“Yep.” Riley nods into her mothers side.

“Now I know why you warmed up to this place so quickly.” Topanga shares a knowing laugh.

“Mom.” Riley chuckles nervously.

End Notes: Sorry this chapter is so short but at least you didn’t have to wait two weeks for it hahah ! The story has only a few more chapters left! Let me know how you’re liking it so far xxx

[offtosavetheearth]

July 3rd 2018

The sun streamed through our window around 6, and I could not sleep anymore. One because it was so beautiful, and two because my back was killing me. Essentially I slept on wood planks last night, but I wasn’t going to complain because I was taking their beds and some of the family had to sleep outside in tents. Breakfast was the best I had ever had from any host family. I wish I could have something like it every morning. I was fed rice, sweet chicken, potatoes with cheese, beets, fresh jugo, sweetened coffee (literally the best coffee I ever had), and a giant fruit bowl consisting of peeled grapes, cut up apples, and strawberries. Everything was so good, I licked my plate clean. We met down in the community for class, and our group arrived a little early so I laid in the sun while about six other people practiced yoga. My back was killing me, but it was so nice to lay in the sun with a full belly. I could feel my skin burning, but I didn’t move because I wanted to soak it all in.

It was a very busy morning; we had to choose which activities we wanted to do and I selected cutting the grass to feed guinea pigs. Except it was much more than that. We planted baby carrot plants, chopped up grass to feed the bunnies, and fed the chickens, and guinea pigs. The bunnies and guinea pigs were kept in wood crates in the dark, and I felt kind of sad for them, but to be honest it is way better treatment than we give our livestock in the US. Next we came back to the community and they showed up how to make chi chi out of agave plants, and we all took a couple shots. I did not like it, but the alcoholic version was much better, reminding me of a kind of champagne. It was back down to the cooking area next, where we learned how to make fresh Ahi sauce, and tostada with pure cane sugar. Additionally one of the men showed us how to grind two kinds of corn, and if we did it well we would be considered a good wife. Lastly the kids of the community showed up how they played tops, a game where you fling a spinner off the string to spin on the ground. It is sad that childhood games like these are non-existent. It seems that kids are glued to their phones just as badly as adults. What happened to board games? To marbles, to card games, to hopscotch, jump rope, and just being a kid? I am so thankful I had a childhood like this, because I got the last bit of wholesome connectivity that our society had to offer. I miss those days.

The last fifteen minutes before lunch we played with the pups and took photoshoots of them draped in purple flowers. I laid on the grass again because it was honestly irresistible, and got even more of a tan/sunburn. Lunch was fried chicken, potatoes, large spoonfuls of beets, vegetables, and fresh strawberry juice. Again, delicious.

The goodbye to our homestays was so emotional. I gave Katy about three long hugs, and we all took photos together by the wall of purple flowers. Several students were crying after leaving, and I knew I would miss this special place. The Vicundo will always be in my heart.

We left around 1 pm and drove to a nearby baby’s breath plantation. Here the husband was sick again, so his wife gave us a tour. They have 125 employees including administration on 10 hectares right now. Their goal is to make higher yields of flowers on smaller acreage, to reduce the amount of maintenance required. Exporting to Europe, Russia, United States, and some of Latin America, they soon hope to export to Colombia. This is one of the first non-organic farms we have gone to, but they use the least damaging kind of fertilizer. Workers are treated quite well, paid minimum wage with provided transportation, cafeterias, doctors on site, dental, and shots/vaccines provided by the Ministry of Health. The owners even throw Christmas and world cup parties, because they believe in order to work together well they have to be a family. They try to keep about 9 workers per hectare, and hope they are giving back to the community, while also benefitting from the agricultural knowledge of their employees.

After five growing seasons, baby’s breath must be replanted, and when they are babies they need 18 hours of sunlight. This is because they hail from Spain, where the days are very long, so when it gets dark the farmers turn on artificial light for 6 more hours. Using a drip irrigation, the plants are fed a combination of fertilizer and fresh underground aqueduct water. They cannot use river water because of how impure it is, but hold it in pools for emergencies.

In terms of regulations, this farms feels that none of their needs are met, but rather the rose plantations are catered to. Some of the blue baby’s breath is exported from japan for $1.06, in comparison to regular seeds costing five cents. They pay this premium because it is what is popular, and consumers are willing to pay top dollars for the best, so they must meet the demand. On the edges of this farm are polycultures of avocadoes, so the neighbors will not be exposed to their pesticides. In addition, they have African bees on the very outside, that produce some of the best honey in the world.

Our last area was the propagation area, the place where the flowers are prepared, and the greenhouse freshly cut plants are put in to bloom. The propagation area was run by a woman who had been working there for 28 years, and was filled with baby plants being carefully cared for. Preparation of baby’s breath was done in another area, and they have to cut off the stems and leaves, because that is what their consumers like. All of their workers have blood tests annually, and are safe to work around the chemicals. However women usually work in this area because they are more delicate, while men spray the pesticides because they are heavy.

Once Baby’s breath is cut, it must go into a greenhouse, where they sit in sugar water for 8 days until 85% of the flowers have opened up. Then they can be exported. At the end of the tour we ate popcorn and water before getting back on the bus. This tour was pretty cool, but definitely not in my favorite. Flowers are pretty, but I am not really interested in studying them personally.

We drove for a couple more hours before reaching Otavallo, passing the San Pablo Lake with view of Imbabura Volcano. I feel grateful that we have had the opportunity to see so many volcanoes lately, because it seemed they were always hidden in the clouds. As soon as we got to the hotel, I dropped my luggage off in a shared room with Allie, and went to get food. I found a Sicilian pizza place, and had a Hawaiian pizza with a coke. No other customers were in the restaurant, so I sat by the fire with the owner. The pizza was terrible, but it was warm and I appreciated the alone time away from the group; my social battery was dying quicker and quicker every day, and I needed my space.

I returned home early, and purchased some really cute headbands from downstairs. I love headbands, and they have a sort of South American theme to them, so I was excited. Going back upstairs, I took a hot shower in my room. The rest of the group was up very late drinking, and Brittany had to sleep in our room because one of the guys go plastered. Either way I slept good, and it was another great, adventure-packed day.