#listing everyone ive met irl

[mikosocute]

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

im a trans boy who has grown up with very oppressive religious parents so ive never gotten the chance to experiment sexually or romantically with peers irl, im about to move to the city for college in the fall

(i will be living on campus with two roommates who i haven't met yet and i know basically nothing about, one of them i will be sharing a bunk bed with)

im really nervous about how im gonna do socially.. ive had a really hard time making and maintaining irl friends for like my entire life, which has been really upsetting for me obviously.

being able to experiment sexually is something im really wanting to do and im really really nervous about it, i know that the most straightforward advice is just "talk about it to people you wanna do sex stuff with" but like everything is new to me i havent had the chance to really socialize irl up until this point and now im being shoved into a group of other young adults who all have the prior experience of being well socialized and having complex interpersonal relationships with peers

i also feel extremely insecure about my lack of experience, like is it actually normal for someone my age to have never had a romantic or sexual encounter? are the things ive discovered and assumptions ive made about myself sexually through masturbating wrong?? i can't watch porn bc looking at strangers having sex grosses me out!! im pretty sure my front hole is like unnaturally tight?? anything wider than two of my fingers is uncomfortable and no matter how much prep and easing myself into it i do, it stays that way.. and i think my cervix is also lower than most, about 3-4 inches is the maximum that i can insert before i can feel it bump my cervix (which hurts REALLY BAD)

im just so nervous and scared about my own body and personality and all that andi don't know where to look for resources or reassurance. ive never been to the doctor for any kind of reproductive care and im really scared to!!! i live in a state that has completely outlawed abortion rights and im really scared that if i go to planned parenthood or something to get like a checkup that they will be mean and not gentle with me

i don't know, i guess im just looking to be heard and hopefully pointed towards some resources if anyone has any, thank you for the work you do and thank you for taking the time to read my panicked ramblings

hi anon,

there's a lot happening here so I'm just doing a numbered list

1.) man, how did the third guy luck out and avoid the bunk bed? you don't have to answer that, I'm just curious how you guys have already worked out that two of you are stuck with the bunk beds. unless you're into bunk beds (I was), in which case mazel tov.

2.) in the nicest way possible, I think you may be vastly overestimating how "well socialized" other students are going to be. reading between the lines a bit, it sounds like you were maybe home schooled, or at least don't have very much experience mingling with other people your age without adult supervision. I guarantee you every public school in the world is also full of introverted freak losers who rock up to college with no idea of what they're doing; I was one of them. the majority of first year college students are also running around panicking and trying to figure out how to be away from their parents for the first time; everyone is a loser and no one is cool.

would it comfort you at all to know that my day job is organizing events at my office's LGBT student resource center? I spend a lot of time hanging out with queer first year students, and I love them dearly, and they're all cringefail losers. it's unavoidable. every 18 year old is a cringefail loser. every single person on Earth looks back at their 18 year old self and goes "goddamn, what a cringefail loser." and it's fine! it's so normal! that's the entire point of your first year of college! you try things and you're socially awkward and you meet some of the most important people you will ever meet and you meet people whose opinions about you won't matter literally at all and you'll completely change how you think about everything for the rest of your life and you'll think you're going to die and everything will be fine!!!!

anyway moving on

3.) it's normal for anyone at any age to have never had a romantic or sexual encounter. I'm assuming you value my insight at least a little, since you sent this, so would it help you to know that I arrived at college as virginal as could be (wildly insecure about it, btw) and didn't have sex for the first time until I was almost 21? would it comfort you to hear from my housemate, also transmasculine, who gave me permission to share that they've never had sex and that none of their life problems really have anything to do with being a virgin?

4.) "are the things ive discovered and assumptions ive made about myself sexually through masturbating wrong??" hard to say, since I don't know what those things are, but probably not. it's extremely hard to get masturbating wrong, no one knows what feels good to you better than you. you're sort of an authority here. masturbating isn't exactly like partnered sex, of course, but it's a really good place to start learning about things that you like and make you feel good.

5.) everything you're describing about your front hole sounds very typical. two fingers is the max number of comfortable fingers for a lot of people, regardless of experience; often, taking something larger doesn't become easier until after having penetrative sex with a partner. average vaginal depth is about 3.6 inches, and while that can increase significantly with arousal, it's something that doesn't generally happen if you're not relaxed during sex. if I can be a bit presumptuous, it sounds like sex and masturbation are maybe a bit anxiety-inducing for you, in a way that is pretty much perfectly contradictory to comfortable penetration. if I can offer you some advice I wish I could give my younger self: calm the fuck down, buy some lube, stop worrying so much about making your body react the way you think it should and learn to appreciate what it's actually doing, and maybe see if your campus has some free therapy options available. anxiety meds probably wouldn't hurt this situation. also stop hitting your cervix if that hurts oh my god.

6.) Planned Parenthood is generally one of the best places to go if you're nervous; they're aggressively queer friendly and tend to be extremely accommodating of patients' needs. I personally do not care for penetration at all and have a difficult time with Pap smears, and every examiner I've ever had at PP has been an angel about letting me take breaks and swear my way through it. it ain't fun, but if you want to have an adventurous sex life you need to take care of the health of yourself and your prospective partners by getting STI tests and Pap smears.

you're so normal, calm down, I love you

[winterchimez]

your moots as flowers? :3

omg hi anon!! this is such a fun ask/game & i'll try my best as i look through the list of flowers on google asdkjadnk

@sungbeam - sunflower (adoration & loyalty) im sure everyone thinks the same way abt you but you're literally a CELEBRITY, the best 妹妹 ever on this earth and where are my photographers at we planning a red carpet for you rn 😤 (btw it just so happens that sunflowers = changmin so 😙)

@from-izzy - forget-me-not (true love & memories) if the meaning doesn't speak for itself enough then idk what will. forever my soulmate till the end 💜 (also now its my turn to get mad at you for *coughs* 😄)

@justalildumpling - roses (love, passion, beauty) if you ain't the hottest and prettiest writer out there then idk who is my bestest dongsaeng ilysm 🫶🏻

@ethereal-engene - gerbera daisy (cheerful & innocence) you're literally a ray of sunshine you make me laugh a lot (esp with the challenge that you have been taunting me for months now 🌚

@daisyvisions - daffodil (new beginnings & rebirth) with what you have told us in our gc abt your irl stuff i think this suits you best!! also cs you're our unnie & i somewhat think yellow suits you a lot 💛

@aimeecarreros - chrysanthemum (friendship, joy, honesty) literally one of the funniest people ive ever met, never change. waiting for the day we meet in person to scream at the top of our lungs out AMEN 😘

@snowflakewhispers - freesia (friendship, trust) you know too much about me & my sister from my neighbouring country. here's to more bickering & saving each other asses whenever & always 😙🩷

@drunkdrazed - aster (patience & elegance) you're literally the sweetest person i know & you're always treating everyone around you with so much love & patience i don't deserve you 🥹🫶🏻💗

@h0mebody-heaven orchid (beauty & strength) literally one of the toughest ppl i know!! im so so glad we hit off right away & heres to us praying that we take over as wayv managers in the future AMEN 😤

@kyaroscuro - lavender (calm, serenity, devotion) another sweetest person ever like where are yall coming from 🥹 glad we hit off almost right away (i think it was bcs of my hyunjae series if im not wrong jasnkand) here's to more convos & stories abt both of our new adventures irl!! 💪

@stealanity - hibiscus (delicate beauty) matty unnie isn't just beautiful on the outside but on the inside too!! literally such a reliable older sister that i've met here and i know that i can always count on you no matter what. i miss you a lot & i always wish you all the best in everything you do unnie 🥺🫶🏻 @quaissants pansy (love & affection) my OG gremlin i love you loads (even though you torture me with daddy sangyeon pics every single time we try to start a conversation but know that i always got your back no matter what ❤️

@sanaxo-o crocus (cheerfulness) you're 1/2 of my gremlin and you're literally so unhinged (like sometimes i honestly dk what goes on in that head of yours kasdnaksjdk) but i think it's only bcs we're this close that we could literally talk abt anything (even if sometimes they made absolutely no sense but it's always fun talking to you, and i miss you a lot my sabrina wifey 🧡)

@cloverdaisies gladiolus (strength of character) the OG toughest person i know. forever clo my love, and i promise you that our frienship is def gonna last for decades, and i will get my ass to EU again one day so JUST YOU WAIT 💚

@kimsohn sorrel (love, healing, protection) my maya 🫶🏻 i would literally drop everything for you and protect you at all cost 😤 i treasure you sm and know that im always here for you no matter what 🩵

@gluion camellia / tsubaki (strength & bravery) honestly i feel like moni can do literally ANYTHING like they're so frickin talented in everything they do and i admire them loads 🥹❤️

@mosviqu goldenrod (encouragement & growth) bar is literally the sweetest like you're always keeping so many of us in check 🥹 coming to ask how we have been doing, and just the best at giving ppl words of encouragement which lowkey makes me forget that you're younger than me sometimes kankajsn

@juyeonszn zinnia (thoughts of friends) it's been a while since we last catched up, but im sure you're out there busy doing everything you can to survive!! im always rooting for you and i wish you nothing but the best in everything you do!! miss you loads my bubba 🤍

@itsbeeble ivy (affection, friendship, fidelity) my pookie 🥰 we're always hyping each other up, and you have no idea how honoured i am to be your moot like i was one of your biggest fans / reader before (and i still am!!!) i love you so bad 😔💚

@strayed-quokka salvia (wisdom) my other daddy sangyeon half (even though you refuse to share 90% of the time 😒) literally if talent was a person it's definitely lennon. again, someone that i really look up to and so glad we became mutuals 💛

[saintsugu]

ive taken the past few days to gather my mental bearings and try to properly formulate my thoughts. as a survivor of csa, i do not take these topics and criminal allegations lightly.

- starting with the two (2) threads that i wrote on twitter: writing has always been a form of therapy for me. I began writing on Twt, rather than just post on this blog, for a reason. It was separate from the the friends i’ve made on here. I’d be able to write things that about trauma that i’m too ashamed to admit. I could discuss topics that have been prevailing factors in my own real life without feeling worried about being shamed. I get that these are taboo topics (and for good reason), but I don’t know where the conclusion formed that just because i was discussing / consuming these topics through fiction, automatically meant that i was getting off on the idea of it happening in real life; especially compared to the possibility that maybe i was using it to cope.

Everybody has lines they’re not willing to cross. I get it; I have those too, believe it or not. for me— as a survivor, discussion of underaged content falls into the same category alongside of noncon, stepcest/incest and cannablism. None of which i support in real life yet all of which i have at some point consumed via fiction. Now obviously, these standards aren’t the same for everyone, but in my mind there is no difference. I would never accuse someone of being a r*pist if they wrote noncon. I would never claim that it’s dangerous for them to interact with women in their real lives.

People deal with trauma in different ways. When I first started to write dark content on my old blog, i dipped my feet into dubcon. I didn’t care much for it. But then in the months following, i was SA’ed by my best friend. I then began to write graphic noncon. And i felt a bit better— a bit more in control. I was now choosing when and where i was viewing and consuming fiction with these topics, rather than when i had something i did not want forced onto me.

It’s taken me a long time to begin to process certain things that took place in my childhood. Having to process something, that happened more than a decade ago, entirely alone with zero support from anyone i know is difficult. I found a way to help myself cope. My methods may have been unsavory and uncomfortable for people, but not to the extent of graphically telling me how to k*ll myself in my inbox. Yes, I did write and consume underaged fiction in order to cope with my personal trauma. I fully own up to that. At the end of the day, fiction is just fiction.

Concerning the ‘expose’ post, the OP also claims that this was not to start a witchhunt, just to shed light to the situation; all the while, they were in my inbox telling me to kill myself before even making a post. Alright. People have had no issues calling me the f slur, making transphobic remarks/purposely misgendering me, and of course, graphically telling me how i should end my life. They’ve sent hundreds of asks claiming they care about the situation, when in my opinion—which might not mean much, no matter how you feel about me, if you resort to threatening, hate mobbing and threatening me irl, you are not handling things in the right way either.

In regards to the minor in my following list, i don’t know who she was or if her pinned post had changed. when i read the expose post i immediately unfollowed her and checked to be met with the fact that she didn’t follow me and we had shared a total of zero messages between the two of us. I am unsure if her pinned post changed or if I had foolishly followed her without checking to a full extent. Either way, we had no interactions. That might sound like a copout but unfortunately, i have no other commentary i can share on the matter.

at the end of it all, i can only control my own boundaries. i tag everything accordingly and that is the most i can do. drawing and fictional pieces cannot be considered cp.

[neonvqmpire]

thoughts about the good omens studio tour and screening of 2x01:

trying to comprehend and process that yesterday was actually real.

everything they did for us felt like a dream. it didn't feel like a fan event in that way because everyone was so happy to have us there and show us around. they were so so friendly and accommodating to my needs. the people that guided us around were the people that created the show. they knew stuff. they were so kind about our questions. you could tell that they really loved this show and working on it. they didn't over explain stuff to us (i mean except a few things) and seemed so interested in engaging with us fans. it was the greatest atmosphere and the set was breathtaking and magical.

i was so positively surprised with what they offered us and what we we're allowed to do. we were allowed to touch the official costumes for example. we saw the summoning circle in the book shop. and more that i wont say now.

im not sure they filmed our group but if they did you will see i was gagging and laughing and smiling and stimming almost the entire time.

it was a wild experience to have people who work on sth this official be so insanely friendly and caring. like why are not more people this kind irl? bless them all, they're doing an incredible job and you better not skip the credits when watching s2. you dont want to do that anyway, i can promise you that :).

i will get into depth about the screening on friday (i made a notes app list hehe) but for now i will tell you that you are in for a ride and you are going to love it. watch out for a detail at the end of the first scene is all i will tease.

i've never been to a fan event with people that i get to know online before and it was the best fucking experience. im so grateful i could take someone with me as my 1+ and spend time with some others before and after the tour. ive never talked to other autistic fans irl (and it's been a while since i met up with adhd ppl irl) and i honestly dont have words for how easy and empowering it felt to socialise with autistic people.

i just cant believe it happened and i was in the bookshop and on that set.

i still can barely believe that season 2 is even real and coming out THIS FUCKING FRIDAY LIKE WHAT WITCHERY IS THAT.

please watch it when it comes out. tell your friends and family to watch it. spread the word so we can get a third season.

thank you.

[gunkgloober]

Recent Update,

Hey, sorry for disappearing on disc. Now that I have this account back I want to explain it. Just to start off i want to say I am safe. My parents are not abusive, They feed me, clothe me and do everything decently. I live in an extremally homophobic and transphobic enjoinment. My mother going as far to say trans people have a mental disorder to make them want to change themselves, my father on the other hand thinks pronouns are not real in the slightest. ( have fun in grammar class, dad. ) Not to mention these two are highly conserved Christians. I came out in early early 2021 as a trans man. This was met with shock and anger, my mom cried, herd her all night sobbing because her little girl was 'gone.' They looked through my phone, accounts everything. "The worldly view of life has gotten to me." They'd say. lovely!!/s So they took passwords of mine, adding child locks, used the bark app to spy on me. They log into my accounts then and still now to make sure im not talking to anyone. Anyone I do not know. Hard when it seems like everyone irl, mainly at my church dont interact with me. As you can expect I became paranoid- thinking im constantly being watched, thanks mom. Fast Forward to now. 2023. Im still watched and monitored but I learned to become sneaky. I pretty much lost contact with my friends outside of school, all of them using discord. I felt so alone. so what did I do? aginst my parents will I made a secret account. I was free, my bio, my pronouns, my speech, my people. I could be myself. But im still a stupid fucking child. They found my account, my friends, said they were all 45 year old men. Ive been on calls though, I know my British fuck/p of an online dad was not 45. He's younger than me too, funny enough. They scouwered my dms, my friends list, my bio, my youtube, *my channel* all of it they serched, i felt so violated. What didnt help is a week before they found my hidden binder, and tossed it out. If Ive left your server or have ghosted you, it is not your fault. I have lost my online privileges. i cant even see my irl friends outside of school now, they're trans, too worldly for me. I have an adult friend now. her name is- i dont even know my parents make me meet with her, shes meant to be someone like me, a confused girl who wanted a different gender, who liked woman, but shes an adult, its so hard to conect with her, im scared.

[thoughtless-gay-frog]

hey there! list five things that make you happy, then put this in the askbox of the last ten people who reblogged something from you! spread the happiness and positivity <3

you arent on here specifically dino but ily <3

all my little tumblr friends!! i love each and every one of you and seeing y’all go off about things you love in the tags of posts you reblog makes my fucking day. plus you’re all so talented and you do content sometimes and its beautiful and i appreciate all of you dearly. youre my little family of guys i keep in my little electronic box.

MY CAT!!!!!! SKSKDNDNDBSNDKD i LOVE my cat so MUCH AH shes a little bitch and i hate her and she’s my favorite little shit in the whole world. you go little bastard, you go ruin my drawing by chewing the edges of the paper off <3

my irl friends!!! genuinely theyre the best people ive ever met i would and have trusted them with my life without hesitation, they are my everything and i love them. every one of them is a beautiful sexy bastard. if u see this irl friends im coming through my icon to smooch you on the forehead have a good day my lovelies

ace attorney! i could pick like seven different specific guys that make my day so i will just go with the whole franchise! theyre. my guys. i love them. i cherish them. i present everyones badge to everyone because if i dont i feel incomplete. 

the purple beaded necklace i was thrown at a pride parade last year! i chew on it and it twists around in a nice way so its like two fidget toys in one and i just fucking caught it at a little parade. blows my mind lmao 

(side note about my cat: she just got a little burned [shes fine] bevause she stuck her entire face into my very hot lamp’s light bulb! a brilliant mind, truly)

[fishoutofcamelot]

I enjoy seeing other people be happy about simple things and the fact that you get excited over cutting things with scissors makes me feel happier than I can explain I wish you the best in continuing to find joy in the mundane. May the smallest things bring you happiness

Well in that case, here is a list of insanely mundane things that fill me with an irrational amount of joy:

Stapling, cutting and paper-clipping pieces of paper together

Writing the number 7 or 0, or the letter Z, since i have a lot of fun adding the little extra dash through the middle of all of those

Hugging!!!! I hug my mom an absurd amount of times every day, and if i had more friends irl i would probably hug them a whole bunch too. Just physical contact in general makes my entire brain light up like a gender reveal party gone wrong

Seeing an Icee machine. Drinking Icees. I have, on many occasions, squealed very loudly and gone all hand-flappy upon purchasing a blue raspberry Icee. Theyre just so good, Yall

The number 69. This is self-explanatory

Wearing my checkered oil-spill-pattern shoes. Theyre so SHINY

Looking at my new bedsheets! And my new pillowcases! And my rainbow blanket! Just...laying in my colorful bed

Opening a new roll of quarters at work

Novelty socks! I have a drawer exclusively dedicated to knee-highs with silly patterns (my favorite being a pair with dinosaurs wearing sunglasses and riding skateboards)

Anything brightly colored makes me very excited

These microwavable sticky rice bowls i get from Costco, they are AWESOME. Or really just rice in general, but the sticky rice bowl things in particular make me inordinately happy

Wearing my leather jacket. Freakin love that thing

Wearing my glow-in-the-dark skeleton shirt. Or my "live laugh lurk" mothman shirt. Or my "send noods" ramen shirt. Or -

I have this one internet friend who likes to talk to me about all their ocs and self-inserts and whatnot and i could honestly just listen to them rant for like a year

The sight of one of my irl friend's pfps on tumblr (we're also mutuals). We dont talk much anymore, but shes the coolesr person ive ever met and i love thinking about her

I am extremely easy to please, to the point of being annoyingly indecisive. But you know what? I like it that way. And heres a fun lil secret - im easy to please by design. Ive learned to cope with depression and s*icidal thoughts by finding joy in all the small stuff. Not saying itll work for everyone, but if im ever in a dark place i can just look down at my pineapple-print pajama pants and go, " if i dont wear these then who will?" And then everything is a little bit less horrible

Thanks for the ask! And everyone else is encouraged to add things that make them stupidly happy too!!! <3

[ignorancelive]

FINALLY DOING ALL MY TAG GAMES AAAA  IM SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG TO DO THESE

@whitedeadflower​ |  pick my favourite albums for bill clinton to enjoy

not necessarily my favorites but i always pick the same 5 albums for these so i just put 4 albums i like a lot and have been listening to more recently <3

@opossuwu​ | 15 questions

1. What is the first song you remember hearing?

english songs: either learn to fly by foo fighters or human by the killers, i really cannot remember which one but it was around the same time im pretty sure

spanish songs: ALL the songs on/by rebelde, my sister was super into it when i was a baby so i heard so many of their songs right as i was learning to become a human

2. What is the first band you got into?

mmmmmmm probably one direction? if we’re not counting rebelde lol

3. Do you collect music on any physical format?

i collect almost all cds i know and like on CD and have recently started buying vinyl but i think im only going to get albums i really like on it since its more expensive

4. What is your favourite piece of music-related memorabilia/merchandise?

SO many things. i really like my nirvana and red hot chili peppers shirts because they make me feel cute! im also IN LOVE with the in utero angel sticker i bought on redbubble that has a transparent border so its JUST the angel, i stuck it on my record player and i love it so so much

5. What is your favourite concert you've been to?

i have not been to a concert yet :/ i went to a little student festival thing my university hosted for us and saw hunny + hayley kiyoko which was pretty neat

6. If you could see one artist (or band) who is no longer alive in concert, who would it be?

nirvana :(

7. Have you met any musicians?

i went to a cd signing for little mix when i was like 12-13 ish but thats the closest ive gotten lol

8. What is your go-to song/album when feeling sad?

i actually have a playlist of comfort songs to listen to when im sad, but i think the song i most consistently go to is encore by red hot chili peppers

9. What is your go-to song/album when feeling happy?

this one depends. probably hump de bump also by rhcp cause it SLAPS and always puts me in a better mood than when i started

10. What is one music-related documentary you love?

EYE only watched a few minutes of funky monks but im sure if i sat down to watch it now id love it. this is the worst question to ask me because i watch a ton of interviews on youtube so i cant even remember which ones were legit docus as opposed to just youtube vids so this question is gonna be basically unanswered. i do want to watch bob and the monster though

11. What is one concert DVD that you love?

i listen to it more as an album on spotify than watch it but Nirvana’s MTV Unplugged is so good

12. Do you prefer listening to playlists or full albums?

usually playlists! but occasionally ill play the albums i have on my player

13. Do you tend to listen to albums in order or on shuffle?

in order, shuffling them is rare

14. What is your favourite deep cut song by your favourite artist?

favorite artist is rhcp and honestly im? not fully sure. quixoticelixer slaps. and i like almost every song on im with you. but i think im gonna have to go with storm in a teacup cause i checked its streams and its not that popular </3

15. What is your favorite CD/vinyl/cassette that you own in terms of packaging?

THIS ONES SO HARD I LOVE PACKAGING DESIGNS. i love how rhcp’s im with you disc looks like because it has the track list on it but it doesnt look bad like other discs who do that do. booklet design i love vices and virtues by panic at the disco and american idiot by green day. idk what this would fall under but i also love how stadium arcadium’s booklet is held in the case and how when you take it out you see a picture of the band. and there are too many albums whose art i love so i cannot elaborate on that without making this 5xs longer lmao

@garbanz0​ & @dailywilliams​​ | top 5 songs ive had on repeat recently

according to spotify’s on repeat playlist:

but also according to my last.fm:

so basically red hot chili peppers own my ass

@badhe4d​ , @garbanz0​ , & @catts-world​ | 10 songs you like, each by a different artist

uhhhhhhhhhhh

1. Monarchy of Roses - RHCP 

2. Back and Forth - Foo Fighters

3. Heart of Glass - Blondie

4. Omission - John Frusciante and Josh Klinghoffer

5. Dance with Me - Sir, Please

6. Henrietta - The Fratellis

7. Breed - Nirvana

8. Mary - The Happy Fits

9. Girls and Boys - Blur

10. It’s All So Incredibly Loud - Glass Animals

@psychoticbreak​ |  suppose you’re being sent to a deserted island for the rest of your life, and you can only choose 10 records to bring with you and those are the only albums you can listen to for the remainder of your life; what albums are they

oh GOD ok

1. in utero - nirvana

2. stadium arcadium - RHCP

3. nothing personal - all time low

4. red - taylor swift

5. after laughter - paramore

6. wasting light - foo fighters

7. im with you + im beside you if you count them as the same album - RHCP

8. so wrong its right - all time low

9. american idiot - green day

10. inside of emptiness - john frusciante

@mark-hoppuss​ |  shuffle my playlist and list the first ten songs that come up

1. New Invention - I Don’t Know How But They Found Me

2. Thanks to You - All Time Low

3. Por Que Me Haces Llorar? - Juan Gabriel 

4. Torture Me - Red Hot Chili Peppers

5. Speak Now - Taylor Swift

6. Prayer of the Refugee - Rise Against

7. Going Away to College - blink-182

8. Time-Bomb - All Time Low

9. DNA. - Kendrick Lamar

10. Heaven is a Place on Earth - Belinda Carlisle

@frafru1​ , @whitedeadflower​ , & @psychoticbreak​ | make a playlist with the letters of my name

Lithium by Nirvana

Universally Speaking by RHCP

Pool by Paramore

Eye Opener by Dot Hacker

@badhe4d​ |  post my lock screen, the last song I listened to and the last picture I saved on my phone

friends name blocked out but. an interesting screenshot. yes i have flea’s tweet notifs on and use twitter for absolutely nothing else. yes i have email notifs on 

if screenshots count:

if they DONT count and you mean purely just saving:

my icon and boyfriend <3

@badhe4d​ | 7 questions to get to know me better

three ships: not romantically because i dont believe in shipping irl people but i love everyone in rhcp’s gay polycule energy. specifically john and anthony in the 80s. romantically tho mickey and ian in shameless. i dont think i have a third one? me and my bisexual mutuals <3

last song: i shuffled a ton of songs and skipped for some of these tags but before those i was listening to the album weird kids by we are the in crowd as a tbt, specifically the song manners

last movie: inside by bo burnham but if you dont count that, hereditary 

currently watching: it is very difficult for me to watch shows so im currently just watching youtube lol

currently reading: nothing. i cannot read :( bc of attention issues not bc im illiterate

currently consuming: banana bread :3

currently craving: RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS RELEASE YOUR FUCKING ALBUM CHALLENGE

@the-replacemints​​ |  top 10 favorite debut albums

NOT in order. also it took way too long to come up with this list lol

1. Concentrate - The Happy Fits

2. So Wrong It’s Right - All Time Low

3. SOUR - Olivia Rodrigo

4. Strange Desire - Bleachers

5. RAZZMATAZZ - I Dont Know How But They Found Me

6. Hot Fuss - The Killers

7. Vampire Weekend - Vampire Weekend

8. Bleach - Nirvana

9. Costello Music - The Fratellis

10. WALK THE MOON - Walk The Moon

because theres so many of these im not gonna tag people for each individual prompt but if you tagged me in one of these i tag you in whichever ones you wanna do <3

[gardenburger]

lmao i am honestly aghast right now this girl (we’ll call moocher) that my best friend/ex wife (we’ll call jelly) and i both know (they’re a lot closer than moocher is with me) has been borrowing money from jelly for like a year, first it was for fertility treatments (this might be harsh but if you cant pay for fertility treatments how do you plan to pay for a child? im not trying to judge but it doesnt make sense to me) and then more recently (this monday) it was to help take care of her dad who is in the hospital due to covid. i’ve always considered moocher a perfectly lovely person; despite me not knowing her super well weve attended concerts together and she and jelly have been good friends for years and obvs jelly and i are very close so it’s not like we’re strangers and we’ve never had any issue whatsoever. so i did not expect this.

anyway, she already owed jelly about $300-$400 from last may; jelly wasn’t like pressed about it but she remembered it. then this monday moocher asked for another $450 for her dad. jelly, being the kindest person ive ever met, says im so sorry i don’t have that much to give but i can spot you $200.

cut to today. this girl posts right on facebook for all to see that she spent 5 hours in the ticket waiting room for “when we were young��� fest tickets. which from my understanding were ~$300 off the bat, not including the $80 processing fees and anything else livenation may have tacked on. im relatively sure she got tickets for both her and her husband. so that’s what now almost $800 that she spent just today on something completely unnecessary! and they haven’t even bought plane tickets/hotel reservations/rental car, etc yet; that’s going to run them at least another $1k if not more.

jelly of course was upset. she texted me and another friend and we drafted a text to send to this girl. nothing mean, just expressing that jelly was a bit hurt and felt taken advantage of.

this girl deletes her fb post, texts jelly back and says she wasnt buying tickets and was just excited about the lineup (bullshit - i saw the post, she was complaining about the wait time to get tickets!) and proceeds to compose the most toxic, guilt tripping bullshit text ive ever seen, talking about how she feels so bad and she’ll never ask jelly for help again and she’s dealing with so much and proceeds to list it all out and sends jelly pictures of her dads x-ray results and says how stressed and suicidal she is and i’m just like ……what are you doing! you got caught, you hurt your friend, and now you’re trying to make her feel worse??? this is not ok!

i am just so shocked that someone could fathom doing something like this! especially to jelly, she is the kindest most genuine and loving person i have ever known and would give anyone the shirt off her back and it just makes me so mad 😤 like obviously everyone wants to go see mcr and the used reunited under one roof it’s a goddamned miracle but to drop $800+ on something completely frivolous when you owe your supposed “best friend” over $500 is just insane to me.

ok /end rant if the like 3 irl friends i have on here know who im referring to please keep it to yourselves im not tryna stir anything up or whatever im just venting bc y’all know how protective i am of jelly and it just steams me when people don’t treat her right 😒

[trickstarbrave]

actually yknow what heres a list of complaints i have abt kink communities as someone who is kinky and heavily criticizes them but everyone keeps dumbing down everything i say as “you just dont like how they have sex”

overuse of slurs. just like everywhere. not in play where u carefully negotiate it just like in casual settings and meet ups. why. and especially slurs they cant complain i see non-romani ppl over use the g slur so much. why. 

oversharing. again in usually casual settings saying things their dom/sub would be cool w but Definitely Shouldn’t Be Shared With Strangers No Context. joking abt how u can hit ur sub as much as u want and its not abuse isnt funny to total strangers thats fucking horrifying 

not respecting boundaries. like all the time. even in kink spaces. i esp see this with male subs bombarding dommes w shit, demanding stuff from them, not listening when she isnt actually doing anything with them atm, or demanding free labor. it happens to multiple performers but dommes esp. 

not behaving OUTSIDE of kink spaces. yes kinky ppl have dif hobbies. yes other ppl are allowed to block u if a majority of ur social media is kink centered and they don’t like it. or they can block u if u think u can make sexual jokes w them they don’t like. you can be asked to remove kink gear in public if its not a kink friendly space. not everyone is okay w every kink 100% of the time. most ppl arent. why do you feel the need to constantly push this boundary w ppl who never asked? just bc ur not doing smth sexually explicit around them doesnt mean they have to deal with it. 

a large influx of young ppl into kink spaces online. like ur 18 years old w a set dom of 4 months???? thats a bit of a red flag for me personally. maybe on occasion there are ppl who have just gotten into it and met a partner they really connected with, or their romantic partner got into kink at the same time. but also this doesn’t happen all the time and i think newbies should rly explore the kink community, esp if they are younger, and not jump into making commitments before they really understand their community and what they like or dislike or what might be an issue. like either you havent explored it enough, or you were all in kink spaces well before you were 18. either way is a :/ from me

ppl genuinely thinking reading kinky writing/fanfiction makes them an active participant in kink. im.... there is a LARGE gap between liking something in fiction and liking it irl. fiction can be a great way to find new things to try out, but if you have never been tied up, how are you sure you like it? youve never been cut with a knife, how are you into knifeplay? do you even understand the safety precautious in full? you dont know what its like to stop a scene and worry if someone needs to go to the hospital. you’ve never been there. stop claiming you get it when you have simply never done it. you can say ur interested and participate in conversations to an extent but ive seen ppl acting like experts bc theyve read about it in a fanfic before. bro. 

dom men going after dominant women. “ill make you submit” sir that’s a domme her job is to not do that. if you want a difficult sub you can find a fucking brat or something. why are you acting like this. this i just dont get but i see it every time w/o fail at least once. who let you in here.

[mychemicalaromanticism]

things ive already established r on this post

besties this got so fucking long but heres a giant ramble about cherri

okay so. there are huge differences betwn cherri as a hyperviolent drac hunter and cherri as a friend of the four and cherri as the girls mentor. with the first one he was 17 and desperate to distance himself from his upbringing so he went all in on Being A Killjoy. he was always one of the first ppl to rush into a fight and he fought hard. he blew up his fuckin hand with that attitude. and all the while he was just racking up more unaddressed trauma and eventually he ran away from that, too. giving himself radiation poisoning was more appealing than facing his problems.

so as a teenager/young adult hes kind of constantly in a panicked state. hes scared the people from his past are going to find him and drag him back with them. so he lashes out and he runs away over and over again.

i said in another post that he has some past life shit goin on which usually would give him a connection to the witch that manifests early in life, but with all the stuff hes gone through he has been Preoccupied. he can become oblivious to almost anything that doesnt apply to whatever hes focused on. not in a hyperfocus way its likeeeeee. when u live on survival mode during prolonged periods of stress. hes immune to magic bullshit bc hes too tired and scared.

anyways around his mid-20s he finally has a little more stability (as much as the average person living in the zones can have, that is) and he finally notices that Weird Stuff happens around him. basically: out of my list of Powers People Connected To The Witch Have he has the prophetic dreams/enhanced intuition as well as a form of sensing ghosts where he can see auras and kind of like, echoes of past events in ppls lives. that look like auras. itz complicated and not of utmost importance so im leaving it at that.

anyways thats what makes him start writing poetry. just 4 funsies he'll describe his weird experiences and embellish them to make em pretty. just as a casual hobby n all that.

he would forget fun ghoul in between the times they ran into each other but its pretty easy to be reminded of who fun ghoul is. the most insane 10 year old cherri has ever met. cherri isnt a brother figure to ghoul. hes just. his friend that happens to be more than twice his age. its whatever lmao

to cherri, ghoul is kinda like a stray animal he keeps seeing. which is hilarious. ghoul actually goes and finds him to introduce him to jet when they start running together, and cherri meets party and kobra (spark and birdie at the time) when he drives the four of them to a party. because he has a truck hell yeah. so now instead of one stray animal he has, like, a feral cat colony that he drives around occasionally. i have no real-life human relationship equivalent to them because irl if some guy that is not related to any of you and isnt even a childhood or family friend and theyre hanging out with you? they are usually not a safe person lmao. but this is my fantasy land and im too stubborn to change anyones birth years even though ghoul being born in 2004 makes everything really hard to make not creepy.

so yeah hes a casual somewhat friend of the fab four. hed probably get more and more concerned as they got famous. the beginnings of any sort of protective feelings, awww :) that sets him up for becoming the girls mentor.

OH FUCK. THE GIRL..... i think if i was in my late 20s and i heard that the gang of 13-17 year olds had adopted a 5 year old kid i would go bananas. what the fuck. it is a LONG while before cherri meets her. but he has the strongest affection for ghoul (if you could even call it that) and ghoul absolutely adores the girl and swings her around under her arms like a cat to show her off to cherri and its very endearing and the girl is sweet and funny so its easy to be around her. and (unfortunately) she is somewhat used to interacting with weird easily agitated people so she kinda gives him space. cherri isnt quite the uncle figure the fandom usually makes him (i luv uncle cherri sm but he simply cannot exist in the universe ive created, f), but hes a little similar.

and then the four had to go and pretend to die. lol.

when the girl was kidnapped, fucking everyone who knew her was ready to storm the city then and there. like regardless of how little you knew her, if you had ever met her you would fucking die for her. she is pure childish charisma and shes precious. i love the girl. so cherris immediately on board with whatever plan the four make to get her back. ive already talked abt how it fucked up the girl tho; there was no way to tell her that the four werent actually dead, she sees the building collapse and she shuts down. and cherri has to fight against his instinct to leave the radio station and never come back when he sees an eight year old girl sitting dissociated on the couch. that fucks everyone up.

i just realized i havent talked about literally anyone else at the radio station. i think cherri started lingering around the station bc it was safe and sheltered while also not being a popular spot. there are less kids there (people pass through but its not a hangout spot). he was kind of just hanging around to get away from the heat and noise and dr d took notice. because that man can see ur soul and no one knows if thats literal or not. so theyd chat a few times a day and show pony was the one 2 get him out of his shell a little and also was the first one he mentioned his poetry hobby to. im making this all up right now as im writing bc i dont know anything about LITERALLY any of the ppl associated w the radio like im not even going 2 try with chimp n newsie i do not have the willpower to tackle all that. justttt. cherri pony n D become bros and live 2gether there.

back 2 the regular timeline. the rescue mission happens in 2019. the girl lives at the station until 2023. during that time she is very much depressed and withdrawn and is only happy when the four come to visit. none of the Adults know how to help her so they just keep her safe and cared for and hope she'll open up to them.

she does not. she takes the weird cat thats been hanging around and she runs away.

cherri does not see her for three years. shes still worse for wear in the mental health department and he can see all kinds of visions of what shes been through since the last time he saw her and he fucking hates the ultra vs bc they remind him of his past. he does not want her going down that path but its obvious that she isnt crazy abt the ultraviolence thing either so thats a relief.

they have a kind of tense relationship throughout the comics. he feels like he failed her and that spirals into feeling like he failed the four for not being a good adult to them and fun ghoul for not helping enough when his commune was bombed and all kinds of shit and that irrational thinking mixed with plain old, yknow, caring about the girl, is what makes him take a bullet (laser. whatever) for her.

i was trying to figure out the timing of each of their ghost experiences, but i want both of them to talk to the witch and im just gonna make it like dreams where a whole buncha stuff happens but irl its been like seconds. so its like barely a second while the girl has her Witch Convo and cherri FINALLY gets a straight answer, yes there is weird shit going on with him having powers. he doesnt have any story-significant past lives because im lazy, hes just an old soul. like really fuckin old. the amount of latent life experience and stuff his soul/energy/whatever has picked up along the way makes him VERY noticeable to gods n stuff. he fuckin lights up all the alarms like what the FUCK is that over there. she wasnt rly able to get to him or even properly notice him while he was a kid and a young adult so shes happy to finally see him again. he has a STRONG sense of familiarity with her. they know each other on a wild ass level that he cant really comprehend.

welp thats some more lore I'll have 2 think abt. anywayz

post canon is when he and val get to have the most awkward spiderman meme moment of realizing that they have the same trauma SOOOOO thatz fun lol /s sorry kings i thought it would be fun to give u something fucked up to bond over <3

not much changes in his personality. he has a better understanding of Weird Magic and delights in freaking out the ultra vs but for the most part he returns to his life at the radio station. i love him

THIS GOT SO CRAZY LONG I DID NOT MEAN 2 GO THROUGH EVERY PART OF HIS LIFE LIKE SOME WEIRD CHARACTER STUDY but here we are. this is basically a first draft like almost all of this is subject to change but u gotta start somewhere. so heres my start i love this guy. its probably obvious but i have not read ANY twitterverse killjoys stuff </3 maybe i will someday idk

[vanillacoolatta]

1, 5, 8, 9, 12 for the pride asks :-) i can resend w sentences if needed

with the power of my laptop i can have two tabs open to see the list >:)

1. Is your family accepting?

hAH ur funny lol. my dad is the most says-hes-not-republican republican ive ever met. he’s gotten a little better in that he at least recognizes that i’m queer and, when he’s in a very soft mood (which is rarely) he’ll let me show my side of the story. he stopped using gay as “thats stupid” around me. but he is Not happy abt any of this and he lets me know often. he also doesn’t believe people still commit hate crimes against queer ppl and bullies me abt it

my mother thinks vaccines cause autism so i think that says what needs to be said abt her

my aunt and grandma are the only other family i really talk to and they’re pretty live-and-let-live but i would never ever talk about anything lgbt to them esp because my grandma (who is the sweetest lady on the planet, don’t get me wrong) said when i asked what she thought of trans people that theyre “just very confused since thats not what god made them to be”

sorry that was a lot idk

8. How was your day?

i am. So Tired. but fine lol

9. Do you have any gay friends irl?

i currently don’t have Any friends irl <3

after high school contact was dropped with pretty much everyone i knew

but before that i usually only had one or two friends (changed every year bc i switched schools) and for some reason it always ended up one of them was queer and one of them was not lol

12. Which pride flags do you like the most design/color wise?

i think the bi flag is rly nice but i think i’m just biased for the purple lol

i also like the ace one so yeah i think it’s just the purple,

[runearcana]

Reasons I am Terezi:

My soon to be deadname sounds like Terezi.

I have an absurdly long tongue. 

I look and dress like Terezi. [my hair ends up short, and when I straighten it, it always has a curve at the ends like hers. Ive always thought I look like a female version of Karkat and even tried to be more like him.] I primarily wear black t-shirts with nerdy images.

I love mysteries, solving them, and have a knack for knowing the law on an intuitive level.

I had a best fuckin friend forever that I did everything with. We called ourselves the Greythorne Sisters. I was Wither and she was Malice. [telling much?]

When I broke up with her, I.. used my very strong foresight and saw that there would be issues if we stayed friends. Karkat also encouraged me to do it and was outside when I went through with it. After I told her, she literally crumpled, and I hugged her one last time. She didnt expect it at all. ._.

I went insane with regret and self-hatred afterwards.

My ultimate crush looked, acted, and spoke [yelled] EXACTLY like Karkat.

The reason I got into Homestuck was because I was incredibly shocked at how his likeness was captured in the fan art, and even the official art. EVERYTHING is the same except he has grey-blue eyes, caucasion skin color, lacks horns. Everything else is the same. He sounds most like a more masculine version of Broadway Karkat. Very wicked and masculine voice. Extremely intimidating guy despite his size. [hes not short, just shorter than youd expect someone with a cocky personality like his.]

Karkat even called us the Scourge Sisters. 

He hated Vriska. He was jealous of her as well, as anyone interested in me would have been.

I loved Karkat, more than anyone except Vriska, but my self-esteem was too low to believe he legitimately cared about me. On some level I knew he cared about me, but I was too BLIND to see it.

I didnt know I loved Vriska more than Karkat until I had already lost her. v.v

Vriska and I had a serious BDSM relationship [kismesis] after being moirails a very long time. We should have stayed moiraills. :[ It was really my fault that she acted the way she acted.

I am an empath and I can legitimately taste peoples energies. 

I may as well be blind because my eyesight is useless to me without glasses.

My favorite color isnt red, its TEAL, but I have a crazy fetish for fiery guys.

Libra ascendant, which is funny because A. your ascendant was your sign in a previous life, and B. its the realm of your PERSONALITY. [Sun is about your life path and moon is about emotions. :P]

I am creepy and cute [or was when I identified as female]. I love scaring the shit out of people. >:]

I like 1337, but I refuse to type that way all the time even though quirks are awesome conceptually. I mean if I could program the computer to remember my quirk, itd be different, but that isnt a thing yet. Itd definitely spice the internet up much more. :]

I still play with plushies and whatevers at hand and draw with chalk.

I adore dragons and see myself as one because I was born in the year of the dragon. :P

I like to cosplay, and wear capes pretty often. 

Dave is someone I cared about a great deal. He had a crush on me, but I saw him as a brother. Dirk is a total piece of shit and hurt Dave and Karkat and its why they have so much in common. He IS Daves bro. Dave sort of sticks up for him and Dirk has clueless followers. 

Gamzee was a best friend of mine like Dave and we technically had a kismisitude relationship. Gamzee told me Karkat was his best friend but I didnt know it was mutual. He was very upset that Gamzee and I were kinda together.

One night I was sitting at the end of Vriskas bed, thinking she was asleep, and trying not to wake her up with blowing my nose. She was awake and spooked and said she thought I was cackling like a maniac at the end of the bed like a creep. I thought it was pretty much a good assessment.

Another time she told me that while I was asleep, she saw an *evil* me with a sharp toothed grin and grey skin. It didnt seem improbable to me.

John is my biological brother. Hes a Virgo sun, and hes a nerd. :] Hes the only person beside my dad and aunt I talk to. [lots of friends I have, lol.]

Rose is a c*nt but I was fascinated with her for some reason. Rose hates Homestuck because of the fanbase. [lolll]

Kanaya is her sister, not gf/wife. Shes cool, and a reasonable person and was a friend, but we didnt talk much. I dont know why really.. x.x

Aradia was my best friend before Vriska. She and Sollux are married. I had a crush on her hsband and it was awkward.

Equius is an ex. Longest relationship Ive been in was with him.

Eridan is as much of a insufferable asshat as he is in the series, but not good looking in the slightest. He can be.. surprisingly insightful at times. None of us like him, even us INFPs. [Dave and I.]

I see Aranea as my mother. Talks non-stop, ruins lives.. but I used to look up to her.

Calliope was a fellow dragon lover friend that Dave introduced me to. Her handle was Celestial Serpent and she is even more asexual than I am. :]

My friends saw my and Karkats connection as being more like Karkats and Nepetas. He treated me like I was autistic and mostly ignored me. Probably until I confessed to him, and then after I went crazy because I had lost Vriska, and hoped that I could rely on him to be there for me. but despite all that bravado cockiness of his, hes a total wimp. ._.] Karkat and I had a ridiculously brief unspoken relationship that was only through telepathic communication and I got beyond frustrated and kissed a woman, and it was over like that. No one knows about this but us. Its another thing that I have ruminated on and hated myself for and deeply regretted.

I envy gamer girls who are actually good at games and wish I could be more confident and popular. v.v; [Latula]

I had a character on Gaiaonline with the Chucku Norisu scarf and the winged staff item and people drew freebie art of it for me, and when I looked at my pictures after learning about Homestuck it was pretty crazy.

Vriska [best artist I know] drew a character that looked a lot like Terezi that I had liked a lot.

I was very isolated when I was young. Neglected by my parents for the most part and felt too different from other humans. I always wanted a tree house and bulit my own club house that I hung out in as a kid.

My friends pretty much unfairly looked down on and even despised Vriska except Gamzee.

I love the taste and sight of blood. [Im a sadist.]

Dave made a proposition that he, me and Karkat be in a poly relationship and I turned it down. [I did not want to share Karkles with ANYONE. I know in the comic Dave actually disliked the idea, but the poly thing came up with the three of us. I dont know if Karkat was cool with it or not because he always used Dave as our go-between, but if Dave made the offer it must have been Karkat approved. Asshole. -.-]

Karkat and Dave live together and are more than likely morails. Karkat isnt attracted to Dave, but Dave has said he is attracted to Karkat.

I had a dragon umbrella that looked like a cane that I loved a lot.

Karkat is pretty much the unofficial group leader, or at least he was in my opinion. I could see Sollux saying Id make a better leader, though, because Im more clear-headed and calm about things and people from that group respected me [more than I was aware of].

We are all connected somehow.. but the main group consisted of Dave, Gamzee, Rose, Kanaya, me [Terezi], Karkat, and a few people I didnt see as characters from Homestuck. Vriska was not allowed to hang out with us at first. When she finally got her freedom [with my help] she wouldnt hang with the group, and they saw her as taking me away from them. They thought she treated me poorly, but she really didnt. -.- [Vriska did nothing wrong, theyre all just jerks.]

I dont hang out or talk to any of them anymore except John. Im always finding myself reminiscing and I really just wish I could forget I ever met them so I could start over fresh.

I have a spirit guide that is a DRAGON and teaches me anything Id like to know, especially in esoteric matters. His name is Shadowfall Ryu. Ryu is Japanese for Dragon. [lusus] and I agonize that I dont know him irl. Everyone knows about him. I have drawn so much art of him and talked about him so much. He is my ideal self. [i know the lusus in the comics is female, but whatever. Its still interesting.]

I collect dragon stuff, including plushies. I still play with them and wish others would play with me.

List goes on and on.

I cant make this stuff up.

[juni-ravenhall]

my abuse & pandoria

theres a thing i havent talked about at all with juni’s story (bc i wanted to write or draw it out and not just talk about it as a meta thing) and i suddenly realised that the stuff ive thought about regarding my irl life history lately makes that part of the story even more important to me........ 

basically juni has a brother who’s been stuck in pandoria for his whole life (and from the beginning i decided this bc juni has always represented my hope and strength and health and happiness, but her brother represents my ‘real self’ full of distress and depression and fuckedupness and dissociation etc). 

and lately i realised just how much my whole irl life has been living in ‘wonderland’, in the sense that nothing has ever been normal or followed normal logic or made sense. my parents r crazy, and sadly my 2 younger siblings (who i love) have had a lot of difficult behaviours due to our shared parental abuse but the thing is its caused them to also treat me badly in some ways, and to behave irrationally and nonsensically in many many ways, and i didnt face this until this month. i always excused the things theyve said or done that affected me bc ‘theyre just victims and they cant help it, and i love them’. then bring in 10 years of being with my husband whose abuse made me suicidal in 2017. then add on, bullying at school, shaming and other toxic behaviours from other relatives, friends and random people, etc. 

as examples for what its like to live in ‘abuse wonderland’, basically read about gaslighting. secondarily, my mom is basically like a 1 person cult and me and my younger siblings were born into this cult that is her state of mind. she has a personal belief system that is really unhealthy just like everything else about her. a lot of these lists about things that victims of cults suffer from, are the same for me. 

the relationship im now in with my best friend makes me cry a lot out of just shock and confusion about what its like to be in a healthy relationship with someone who actually loves you and cares about you, being treated like a person with value. it feels like being pulled out of wonderland and its really shocking and disturbing and really important. its hard to face the actual level of how badly ive been treated and how far away ive been from ‘normal life’, actual love and healthy things. 

the point im getting to is, i realised just this week that junis brother being stuck in pandoria is literally what it is. ive been stuck in pandoria (wonderland) this whole time. the world around me (aka the social situation) doesnt follow normal real world logic or rules, its eaten at my energy (both physical and emotional) for my whole life because its extremely stressful and exhausting and confusing to live in these circumstances. and finally when i was 28, it reached the point where i became suicidal bc i didnt see any way out anymore, i lost all hope that i was clinging on to desperately until then, and felt completely void. ive worked hard since then until now to both ‘not kill myself’ and to rebuild my ability to feel things and have hope. 

im turning 31 on june 13th (soon!!!!!) and half a year ago i was fairly sure i wouldnt live to see my next bday. already 30 seemed like it had been an impossible battle that i somehow reached by extreme struggles and perseverance but ‘this was it’. i didnt think i could do it for another year anymore. i had many ‘suicide scares’ and very extreme panic attacks in this past year, until february of this year. 

since february (which is when my life changed bc i realised i was in love with my best friend and it thoroughly turned my core upside down) i havent been suicidal. but i feel basically that when it happened, suddenly someone arrived and met me in pandoria/wonderland and stayed with me and said theyre going to get me out, even if i couldnt get out yet. and its been really hard to internalise it for these past 2.5 months. but she keeps proving that she really means it and that she really is here for me (and im here for her). instead of turning on me like everyone else, i feel her love stronger and not weaker. we both have bad days but thats why i say, every WEEK it gets better. every week that passes i feel like im getting a step closer to leaving this place emotionally, and someday physically. 

juni has always represented my own strength and goals about feeling safe and happy and confident and im happy shes here for me too. (before her ive had many other personas that r similar and ive also used the sibling symbolism of my 2 sides before, but i wasnt aware of WHY i was doing it, i just liked giving my persona a sibling but didnt know why) 

anway thats my long post about being stuck in pandoria.

[honeyfreckled]

we have talked a few times and im sorry for this but you are the most accepting and easiest person to talk to honestly i dont have many people in my life i can tell anything real to. but the thing is ive been thinging about relapsing a lot more since i broke up with my boyfriend and i work with him so it makes work depressing and impossible to get through a day without crying sorry this is anon but i am scared ily dont hate me i am not trying to stress you out

ok wow first lemme just say: I DO NOT HATE U. EVER. 

and don’t be srry i don’t have a lotta ppl irl i can tell my shit to so i get it. pls know u can always ALWAYS ALWAYS come to me, and u dont gotta be scared to come off anon. i get it and it’s ok if u prefer it that way- but pls know i dont keep it on alot bc i get hate and then i turn it off bc i gotta look out for myself and dont post all the hate bc i dont wanna bring yall down or give them the satisfaction of knowing i have given it a read and response. so u can message me or make a sideblog or idk im just saying this so if it’s off later u dont blame yrself or feel scared to come off anon. ok sorelapse is a real thing and it’s fucked and hard and addiction is fucked up and a real life struggle and we dont treat addicts w the real tenderness, respect, kindness, and acceptance they deserve. but u DO deserve it. and there are hotlines, apps, churches, groups, chatrooms/boards, and sites that are more versed in what are the appropriate things to say to u- i say this bc while i’ve been thru it w loved ones i have not myself struggled w addiction w substances. my addictions were to self harm and victimhood so those are the things i searched for help on. but if it’s alright i’d like to give u some tips or things i used and have heard work for addicts of substances

places like i said like churches, groups, chatrooms, sites, apps, hotlines the apps and hotlines are good if u cant travel or want to talk to ppl who wont share their story bc maybe u cant hear it like its not the kinda help ur looking for. hotlines are sometimes tricky bc some of those folks are not educated they are volunteers so judgment leaks thru and in that case u ask to be redirected and report that volunteer so hopefully they dont repeat that kinda mess to other vulnerable folks looking for help

make a list of things, anything. list of foods u like to order, list of things that make u clench yr teeth, what were yr fave gifts you’ve ever got, style icons of urs, hobbies u tried that annoyed u, movies u can always watch, places on yr skin u hate being touched, any list of anything it doesnt have to be the usual thing of “what to live for” bc when yr depressed those kinds of things arent easy to think of. but if u get a list going of like “best things ive ever touched” “sounds that make me laugh” “trends that were stupid af” “popular things that i didnt like n couldnt figure out why they were popular” “weirdest ppl ive met” well those things might get u on a roll of good memories or laughing or seeing that theres more to yr life than what has been occupying yr thoughts

dancing. dance in yr room in the dark. clear some space. put on some headphones. lock yr door. do it in the shower. just dance. i had to start w closing my eyes and picking songs that i was taken by emotionally. songs that made me jump and slamdance tbh and then it’s just gotten more and more something im not as ashamed w. i spent a date night w james just dancing and then we ya know ya know bc the dancing got so wild. now i make playlists of songs that set moods for diff kinds of dancing

watch shows w ppl who arent doing better than u. they dont live in fancy places, they dont do much w their lives, they dont dress better than u, they struggle, they arent eating good food u dont have access to. iasip. freaks and geeks. letterkenny. undeclared. jake and amir. tpb. the state. youtube. tiktok/vine comps. lots of these kinds of vibes on youtube

podcasts. improv comedy podcasts tbh saved my life. comedy bang! bang! has best of’s those are good ones to start w. improv4humans bc matt besser has great guests of some of the best improvisers out there and he has musical guests and they’ll play a song and the improvisers will use it as inspo for a scene

make things. moodboards. pinterest. playlists. fill a shopping cart and tell yrself “i’ll get it when i win the lotto and move away from anyone who knows me so i can be the me i wanna be w/out judgement” make tea. make a meal if u can. make yr bed. clean one thing. clean the sink. hang some clothes or go thru yr drawers and clean them out. throwing things out feels hard at first but then it’s nice bc u feel less bogged down

find something to throw yr obsession at for a bit. something that wont hurt u as bad, being obsessed in general isnt good. everything in moderation irl. too much of something is bad just as much as too less of it can be bad. but yr looking for something lower risk here and if u gotta be obsessed w a celeb or a song or a food that’s ok. yr focusing the energy on something that isnt a substance so be proud of it

give yrself a break. give yrself some credit. everyday isnt gonna be on the “best of your name here’s days” but sometimes u just live to live bc that’s what u do. u wait it out and get thru it and wait for the sun to come back out. and if u cant get outta bed. or if you hate yr job and wanna scream- that’s normal it’s more normal than always being happy ppl just dont like talking abt bc society kinda trains us to hide our fucked upness idk why but thats how it is. they dont wanna tell us to do preventative care until we’re in the pits

all in all- it comes down to (at least for me) not planning w an endgoal in mind. it’s not over til it’s over and rlly we dont know. it’s all fluctuating and not meant to be a finish line we cross and then suddenly we’re done and we dont suffer anymore and the feeling of shit is gone or the risk of relapse is gone and the depression is cleared away never to be seen again. it’s not realistic. bc it isnt real. on the real- risk is always there and the downs and ups mix and run together and depression is not curable (this isnt something to be miserable over tho) depression isnt curable, yeah ok, but it is manageable. it can be quieted down from time to time and if u keep up w yr healthy routines and coping mechanisms- depression will still find its way to u bc the real world is not something u can manage. death in the family, loss of money or job, car breaking down, sickness outta nowhere, depression grows wild when these very real life stressors come into our lives. but all that too eventually gets easier and easier at least from a “ok i have some distance now” standpoint. and then as those days get more and more btwn it u can then be like “oh wow, ive made it thru X amount of days! ive put up w it this long! whats one more day, whats one more week, hell might as well see how much prouder i can feel once ive got a year under my belt!” plus u will be more capable of handling the bullshit if u know u can still find some safe places in yr coping skills or friends or resources.

ok so this is prob a mess but bottomline know this:

I love  you and i will be here the best i can should u ever wanna come spill or if u need me to just send u pics of my dog or boring pics of knickknacks or selfies or memes or links or anything just tell me what u need and i will try my best to show u my love. i hope u can see that u reaching out is just already a HUGE major step in the right direction, give yrself credit! thats amazing! yr already doing it pumpkin look at u! it’s hard ik. but i also know if u are capable of saying u have this problem going on, u are capable of getting thru this. u are a light in the world. u offer goodness and u offer yrself and that’s enough. even if yr fucked up right now- u are contributing to the world by simply being u. there is literally NO ONE ELSE WHO IS YOU. so u are unique by definition. i hope u get something from this post and if not i hope it strikes an idea or thing u can do that will help. i hope u know im here and i hope u see this.

i am sending u all my light and love and good vibes and i can’t wait to see or hear from u again. u are never bothering me, a burden, or stressing me out. tbh it stresses me more that u might be struggling and not telling me or anyone. i dont ever want u to suffer in silence bc u feel guilt or scared or anything. u deserve to have a place to voice yr shit. im here to listen if u do wanna tell me anymore.

everyone else-if this helped or if u can think of anything that might help anon or anyone else- feel free to reblog and get some good NONJUDGMENTAL advice or tips and tricks going, but please please please remember to not come off as judgey or flood it with your drama. keep ur drama out of this post so anon or anyone else doesn’t get triggered by it. 

and dont ignore my rule and do it anyway and then say some shit like “ik u said not to but i think this will help lol sorry” like we need this post to stay on this vibe that i set in motion and not a struggle contest or dick measuring or all sad personal reminiscing. go make yr own post for that this is NOT the space.