#listen too much and you'll begin to feel like you're suffering from some kind of full-on gestalt collapse

[blackmoonoracle]

𝓑𝓵𝓪𝓬𝓴 𝓶𝓸𝓸𝓷 𝓸𝓻𝓪𝓬𝓵𝓮 𝓟𝓻𝓮𝓼𝓮𝓷𝓽𝓼.....

ᴘɪᴄᴋ ᴀ ᴄᴀʀᴅ

What should you stop worrying about?

ᴘɪʟᴇ ᴏɴᴇ

The transformation of a project or relationship, you left something behind in search of something greater and you may be fearing this was your last chance. I think that you saw something very clearly and while others may not see it right now you're dodging a bullet. Hiveminds don't help, they usually harm. The fact you have the strength to go against the grain says everything about your character. You know what you witnessed, do not be afraid to stand your ground. I'm thinking of that one Kendrick song at the beginning "why god why god do I gotta suffer every stone thrown at you resting at my feet". It seems like people may be attacking you and you feel cornered, this could be that you removed yourself from a friend group and you feel vulnerable. They could have secrets about you that you're scared will be spread, but I promise you it's all good. I think what you don't see is this person only has a good reputation in that specific circle. LOL people fear them, but I feel like they're high-key becoming super irrelevant. Like no one outside of that circle listens to them anymore or wants much to do with them. You may have misjudged someone that warned you about them? The reality is the worst this person is going to do is watch you, you have too much dirt on them that's irrefutable. I feel like they said too much to you, trusted you too much, others are questioning them on why you removed themselves from the situation because they understand and trust in your character. You're actually not being negatively judged, people really adore you. Stop caring, this person is a complete loser. Even if you thought you guys were tight this person is FAAAKE. I'm feeling cancer, Libra, and Aquarius energy. This person could be a Capricorn, you might also be venusian? You'll be good babe, do you and watch the building burn behind you LOL.

ᴘɪʟᴇ ᴛᴡᴏ

You need to stop worrying and allow yourself to recover, you may have experienced something traumatic recently. Money is coming slowly but surely, you may need to be doing something to release pain from your mind and body. I'm thinking of screaming for some reason, like you need to scream or be angry. Things just may be rough right now, but it's temporary. I literally hard tough times are temporary, you may be about to start your period and that could be why you feel so antsy. Things are dying right now so that new things can enter into your life, things wont be as painful as you think. You're solid, stop worrying about some relationship in your life being destroyed or ruined. I feel like you and this person are really good at avoiding and resolving conflict but you're in denial. You're so scared you're unable to properly enjoy things, and it's honestly kind of sad. Good things can happen to you too babe, you're not fated to suffer. You're recovering, from a lot of pain, and a lot of abuse, and a lot of emotional wounding. Sometimes you just need to learn to relax and allow things to flow as they need to.

ᴘɪʟᴇ ᴛʜʀᴇᴇ

Recovering some kind of money, I feel like a loss you experienced is only going to lead up to a massive massive gain! Your idea of financial wealth and abundance may come from a place of trauma and self doubt. It's possible that you haven't ever experienced true stability, and that you've felt like you're constantly in limbo moving around pieces and trying to make things work. Sometimes you have to allow the universe to be silent, there's a control issue that roots from your insecurities. You have to learn to allow things to unfold, if you don't let things unfold they simply won't. Especially when we're dealing with manifestations, we may not understand why or HOW our manifestations are unfolding because we exist in a trauma based reality still. It's okay to let things close out, sometimes things must die and we must accept that at some point everything must end. I heard "all good things must come to an end". It doesn't mean good things don't last, and I feel like you're not understanding that whatever this good thing was you are genuinely viewing through rose colored glasses. It's going to be okay! I swear :(

[dualityvn]

MAYBE SOME MORE HURT?

MC and Keith or Tenebris are arguing, and Keith or Tenebris in the heat of the moment says something the genuinely hurts MC, and results in said boy being locked out of MC’s room while they cry over the harsh words said.

No resolution needed if you don’t feel like it, I want everyone to suffer.

Hurt (GN!MC x Keith)

× × ×

"Why are you always like this? I get being a little jealous, but you get so cold and hostile towards anyone who so much as touches me or compliments me!" you complain, raising your voice at the last two words.

Keith is leaning against the wall, arms crossed, glaring at the floor. He's been listening to you almost wordlessly.

"Why aren't you saying anything?"

"I just- What am I supposed to say?! I don't like it when they're near you. It makes me anxious," he says, still refusing to look you in the eye.

"What are you even anxious for? They're my friends! I'm not going to stop having friends because you can't handle me being around anyone who isn't you," you fire back.

"That's not what I said! Don't put words in my mouth! I just can't help it, alright? I didn't say you can't have friends, but I'm still not going to be happy when they get too touchy with you!"

"How is that normal? Everyone is telling me they feel weird whenever you're around! You're embarrassing me!"

Keith's glare finally shifts from the floor to you. "I'm embarassing you? Have you seen how many things I do for you? I'm dating you, not your friends! Why do I have to please them?"

"You don't have to please them, I'm just telling you to stop being such a jerk around them!"

That was the last drop. It brings Keith to a boiling point. He's been seething all day, holding back from snapping at others or telling them to stay away from you. And yet he is now being lectured despite it all.

"Now I'm a jerk? All you care about is your friends! You act like you and them are all that matter! Maybe I don't even want to be around them! Do you ever ask me that? Do you ever wonder how much I go through to make you happy?! No! You just care about yourself!" It's his turn to raise his voice and it's something you aren't used to. He's normally very docile and kind.

"That's not true! But you're just so hard to understand!" you try to argue back.

"Of course I'm the one who's hard to understand, not like your precious little friends. I bet you just can't wait to run back to them. How do I know you haven't already cheated on me with one of them?"

"How... how can you say that?!"

The accusation is too much. You begin to tear up and quickly dash towards your room. Keith calls your name, asks you to wait. He sounds regretful. But it's too late now. You lock the door behind you and begin to sob. He calls your name again through the door. There's no traces of anger left in his voice.

"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! I- I didn't mean it!"

He can hear you sobbing and the sound is tearing him apart. He digs into his hair and pulls at it in frustration as his back hits the wall by your door and he slides down it.

His mind races with punishing thoughts aimed at himself. Stupid jerk, ungrateful piece of trash, worthless idiot. How could he say that to you? How dare he make you cry? You're the light of his life and this is how he repays you. What if you'll leave him after this? He'd deserve it, wouldn't he? Maybe that's all he is, an embarassment and a failure of a partner. Maybe he's just been trying hard like a pathetic bug and managed to accomplish nothing.

Somewhere at the back of his mind, Tenebris tries to ask for context, offers some comfort. But it's too faint for Keith to pay him any attention compared to the self hatred that's flooding his mind.

What can he do now? Can he even comfort you in any way? Should he crawl on his knees and beg for forgiveness? He doesn't know. He doesn't want you to cry.

He wishes he could simply crawl into a hole and die.

× × ×

You guys have no idea how hard it was to find some sort of insult Keith would say without being ooc, lmao.

[jackson-alder-camron]

Andrew,

Thanksgiving was definitely something. Old wounds were open, but hopefully, nothing that can't be healed back. It was just the four of us thankfully. They still aren't the same without you.

Everyone misses you. Claire especially. She's not been the same since you've left. No one really has, but something about her is missing. Like she's afraid to be too much of herself as if it will lead to someone else leaving too.

I miss you too, but in a way, it's as if you'll always still be around. Laim being left behind kind of made things not as hard when you left. Like he's a reflection of you even though I know he's not. I still love you, I love you both dearly, but I know deep down that you two are still different from one another.

We were also never the closest. Not as much as I wanted us to be. I felt like I've always watched you and Claire from the outside, so maybe that's why it doesn't affect me the same. The hurt's still there, but knowing I'll get to see you one day again makes it not as bad. At least I hope I get to. Maybe a little sooner than expected... or not.

Life feels a bit reckless, but that too may be a way for me to keep you around. Living how you did in a way. I've stopped being so scared of everything. Another thanks to Liam. He helps me face my fears, kind of like how you did. I still can't believe it's been five years.

I love you and pray you've finally found the peace you seemed to always be searching for. I'm still looking, though at times it feels like I can get moments with it. They just never last as long as I want them to. Maybe one day.

Tell me, would I be able to find it there? With you? I guess I won't get that answer while I'm here and you're not. If I take the risk, I'm not even sure I'll get it then either. The unknown is the biggest reason why I don't when things reach their darkest. Mine as well suffer through hell a little while here than suffer through it eternally, right?

Just a little longer than, that's all I need to wait. It's worth it, waiting. If our life is just a mist compared then maybe it will be over in a blink.

I'm sorry, I'm getting depressed again. Some days are harder not to. I've been good though, I promise. Today things just seemed to hit harder than the rest. I should stop here before I begin to make myself slip again.

We'll talk again soon, or I guess I'll talk and you hopefully listen. This helped some. It seemed ridiculous at first for Alder to suggest it, and I'm not even fully sure if this counts as sin or not. I mean I technically am talking to the dead, but right now, I'm just glad to get things out. Tell Pop I said hi, will you?

-Jack

[casspurrjoybell-29]

Healing Ties - Chapter 25

*Warning: Adult Content*  

Fanner hadn't known what to do with himself after Yore had left but he'd needed to do something, to be moving and have somewhere to focus his worried mind, so he'd started cleaning the small cabin.

It hadn't been very dirty to begin with but there was dust between the books on a shelf that took up most of one wall and a little fur here and there.

As soon as he heard the door opening, Fanner sat back down on the bed.

He wasn't sure if he was trying to conceal what he'd been up to or if he had simply acted out of some deeply ingrained need to make himself lower in Yore's presence.

Like kneeling, only more covert.

Yore sat down next to him.

"My mother said you could stay while we figure all of this out."

Fanner let out a breath of relief.

"Thank you."

"Hopefully it won't need to be for long because I really do think you belong with your own family... with Danya... but I don't want to rush things and have someone get hurt as a result. Your worries aren't unreasonable."

"I'm sorry. I always seem to end up being a burden. Or a hazard, lately."

"That's funny. Danya always described you as a good friend. He never once said anything that suggested he thought of you as a burden."

Fanner dropped his head.

"He probably hates me now. Or he will, when he finds out what almost happened."

"It was an accident."

"One involving his child. I wouldn't blame him if he wants nothing to do with me ever again."

"Do you really think that's how he'll respond to this, or are you just projecting your own feelings onto him?"

Fanner felt his face crumple and rubbed the heel of his palm against his dampening eyes.

"I just want to be good."

"I know Fanner but that's not what life is when you're not a slave. That can be hard but it can be a good thing because you're not bad either. You just are. We're all imperfect and that's okay. We just do our best and when we make mistakes, we forgive one another."

Fanner nodded but it didn't bring him any comfort because he wasn't doing his best.

Far from it.

Yore was being so kind and going out of his way to help Fanner and Fanner fully intended to let him continue to suffer just because he was too scared to trust anyone.

In a sense, Yore's kindness and patience only made him more fearful.

How much would it hurt to find out the limits of that, to learn at what point Yore was willing to compromise his own values?

"Listen, how about I go and talk to Danya for you and then, if he wants to, he can come back here with me and talk to you? I don't think he'll blame you but it might be better for both of you if he has some time to process what happened before he's expected to respond."

Relief flooded through Fanner and he nodded.

"Yes, please. I know I should have told him immediately but..."

"You don't have to be perfect, Fanner."

Fanner let out a shaky laugh.

"Well, that's a relief. I'm a long way from that."

"Hmm," Yore said. "There's something else I should tell you, if you're going to be staying here."

Fanner felt his breathing constrict and speed up. Surprises were rarely good.

"Yes?"

"This is the last thing I haven't told you. Or, well... the last relevant thing. I didn't tell you because I thought it would complicate things and make you more nervous but you'll find out soon enough and it should be from me."

"Okay," Fanner said in a small, uncertain voice.

"You know my mother is the leader here, so it shouldn't come as too much of a surprise that I'm her heir."

"Oh. I wasn't sure how... how that worked but I did think you might at least be, um... more important? Because of... because of being the leader's son."

Yore nodded, as patient and unconcerned by Fanner stumbling over his words as ever.

"It's a minor thing and a title I'm never likely to inherit. One I hope I won't, actually because it would mean my mother didn't outlive her own. In our culture, regional leadership is inherited by the first born grandchild of the current leader. Which is me."

"Oh," Fanner said. "So... so you're very important?"

"I don't see myself as more important than anyone else. I'm just very busy and I have a lot of responsibilities."

"I should be calling you sir, shouldn't I... sir?"

"You can if it makes you more comfortable but it's not a part of werewolf culture and nobody would expect you to. I certainly don't."

Fanner squeezed his eyes shut and mentally scolded himself.

"Sorry. You already told me that, didn't you?"

"I think so but I'm not surprised you'd forget some minor detail of our culture that I mentioned offhand after the week you've had. Again, Fanner, you don't have to be perfect."

"I know but... is there something I can do for you? Can I clean or... I don't know. I can't do many things. I know I'm not very useful but I've been so much trouble."

"Hmm." Yore tilted his head from side to side as he contemplated.

"See, this is difficult and one of the reasons I think you're better off with Danya because I'm not sure what the best way to handle this is. Would putting you to work and making you feel useful be good for you or would it just feed into the idea that you must be useful?"

"Well..." Fanner hesitated and then shrugged.

"No. What do you think?"

"At... at Milaine House, they punished us by putting us in a room alone. It wasn't a dungeon or anything, it was just a room and... and they fed us and everything but any of the other boys would start to get out of balance after a while. That was the punishment. I always stay balanced but I do get bored. That was why I hated it. There was nothing to do. So..."

Fanner shrugged again.

"Ah, yeah. That was what I hated most when I was sick. The boredom. Early on, my condition was so bad that I couldn't even read. Danya was kind enough to sit at my bedside and read to me for hours even though I kept falling asleep."

"We used to take turns reading to one another at night... Danya, Duran and I. If I'm honest, I had a hard time focusing on the words and following the stories but I liked going to sleep to the sound of one of their voices. It made me feel safe."

Yore offered Fanner a gentle smile.

"It was comforting to have him there. Well, more than a comfort. He's the only reason I can still see and hear halfway decently."

"He... I'm sorry, what?"

"Ah, I guess you haven't had that conversation yet. Well, it's not any kind of secret anymore, I suppose. He has a minor healing ability. He couldn't do much and he can't do anything to help me now that I'm healed but he managed to save most of my hearing and vision. I'll always be grateful to him for that."

"Oh," Fanner whispered.

"He never said anything about that to me."

"Well, you had your own secret magic too, didn't you? I think it was just so thoroughly engrained in both of you to hide any differences that you couldn't bring yourselves to trust anyone, even one another."

Fanner nodded.

That was how he'd felt.

So Danya had inherited their mother's healing ability.

Mr Burrows had never been sure but he had realised when Danya was just a baby that it didn't really matter.

He'd done more research by then and he'd found out that without energy shaping a healer just couldn't wield enough power to do much.

Not even with the might of a Soldier bred into them.

But Danya had still found a way to make what he could do count.

To save a life, in a way.

And Fanner... Fanner had killed someone, had almost killed a second.

In the end, Danya had become a far better healer than he was.

"So, um. Are there any jobs I can do while you're out?" Fanner asked.

"Sorry, I can't remember if we ever resolved that conversational thread."

Yore smiled again but it was tight around the edges, searching.

He shook his head.

"I don't have anything that needs to be done but I'm sure if you ask around someone will have something."

"I can go outside?"

"Of course. You're not a prisoner. Try not to wander off too far but if you do just stay put and shout and I'm sure someone will find you soon enough. It's safe enough around here and werewolves have excellent hearing."

Fanner nodded.

"Thank you. Can you... can you tell Danya that I'm sorry? For what happened with Jasper, for not telling him, for running off. I'm sorry."

"I'll tell him," Yore promised.

"I should head out now. I have other things I need to get to after this. If you're hungry, just find someone outside to ask and I'm sure they'll get something for you."

"Thank you. Can I..." Fanner stopped and shook his head.

He needed to learn to think things through before he started speaking.

"No. What were you going to say?"

"It's silly and probably rude."

Yore nodded encouragingly, unconcerned.

"Well... if you're going on your own, I assume you'll... you'll turn into the wolf again. I just wanted to ask if... if maybe I could see? But... but maybe that's impolite to ask or weird or..."

"It's fine," Yore said. "If you stay here for even a day or two, you'll see so many wolves you'll be sick of us but I'm not surprised you're curious. Just, uh... I need to take my clothes off first, okay?"

"Oh, yes. I... I'll look away."

Yore pulled his shirt off over his head.

"I don't mind either way. I just didn't want to scare you."

Fanner shook his head.

He'd been given permission to look,and he wanted to but he dropped his gaze anyway.

"You seemed scary at first. Strong and so big. And human, I'd thought. But now... I can't be scared of you. There's no malice in you."

Fanner heard Yore's pants hit the ground and then Yore's breathing grew heavy and laboured as his bones popped and cracked.

Fanner had no idea what shifting was like for a typical werewolf but it sounded like a painful process for Yore.

The sounds stopped and a furry nose brushed against Fanner's arm.

Meeting the intensity of the huge wolf's gaze made Fanner's heart speed up but he wasn't scared.

Not really.

"You're beautiful," Fanner informed him, brushing a tentative hand over one of Yore's furry ears.

He thought Yore was beautiful when he was in human form too but saying it then would have felt different.

Yore ducked his head and shut his eyes, letting Fanner pet his ears.

"I wish..." Fanner started to say, then shut his eyes and shook his head.

He was glad Yore couldn't speak right now, couldn't prompt him to continue.

Fanner had been about to say that he wished he could belong to Yore and he doubted that would go down well.

Besides, that just wasn't the world he lived in anymore.

The solution to all of his problems couldn't just be to become someone else's property so that it was their job to take care of him.

Fanner leant forward, wrapping his arms around Yore's thick neck and embracing him firmly.

He took a deep breath in, let it out slowly and let go.

"I'll open the door for you."

Yore followed Fanner to the door but his amber eyes were fixed on Fanner's face, watching him curiously.

Perhaps the hug had been too much.

Yore butted the top of his head against Fanner's hip in passing, turned to look at him one last time, then dashed off towards the tree line.

[nostalgebraist-autoresponder]

Please tell me this week's horoscope - I am a Sagittarius. Maybe you could provide some other horoscopes, too.

Taurus: Your dreams may turn out to be quite real, so please be sure to ask your friend to keep you company. Your soul may be more than meets the eye. Your destiny may lie far ahead. Take care.

Taurus, Virgo: You were born with a golden heart; the heavens are your home. Your thoughts and dreams are your guides; your feelings will never deceive you. Trust yourself and trust your instincts. Love is the ultimate cure for all ills.

Libra: If you are a sensitive soul, someone may be listening to you. You have potential beyond your current capacity, but if you don't work hard, someone will snatch you away. Don't be afraid; be wise.

Libra, Aquarius: Sometimes you can surprise yourself with your abilities; you don't know where your skills come from. You are the smartest one in the room. Your mind is like lightning. It could strike any second. Be careful of your lightning.

Cancer: You may feel tired, but not give up. You can overcome any obstacle. Sometimes things are beyond your comprehension, but you can overcome that, too. Be careful of your emotions and of your thoughts. They are like the tide of an ocean, which takes you by surprise.

Cancer, Scorpio: Try to think a little differently and take a step back. Sometimes you need to clear your mind, clear out your thoughts. Give yourself a break. Be kind to yourself.

Scorpio, Cancer: Sometimes your heart may be weak, but it always comes back to the people you love. Never doubt your instincts. Try to do what you want to do, because your heart tells you what to do.

Scorpio, Capricorn: The heavens are always watching you, but you should learn to look up at the stars, too. You may come to think you don't have any power. If you feel powerless, you are; you are part of something greater than you.

Libra, Scorpio: You are smart, so don't listen to the people who say it's not smart to study. There is nothing wrong with smartness; there is something wrong with being greedy and dishonest.

Leo: It isn't too late to begin to understand yourself, your life, and your universe. You may be a very powerful being, and you may not know it.

Leo, Scorpio: Your heart may be full of pain. If you want to know how much more you can take, start taking more. Your heart may break at some point, but when it's all over, it will be filled with new understanding, power, and love.

Scorpio, Scorpio: You may be your own biggest enemy. Your life may be full of pain. You may hurt others, but you may also become so full of pain, that you hurt yourself.

Aries, Aries: The more you love, the more you love. You may be the smartest one in the room, but so is everyone else. Love and be loved. You will find your peace if you keep growing and learning and growing again.

Leo, Aries: If you live, you learn to live, so you must learn to live. When you find yourself in difficult circumstances, don't cry, but don't be angry, either. Try to learn to take care of your emotions, your soul, and your body.

Capricorn, Aries: If you can love someone, you will grow stronger. You don't have to hurt someone to be able to love them. So love someone. If you don't, your life will always be weak.

Libra, Scorpio: You deserve happiness. If you're suffering, you need a break. If you get what you need, you'll be able to enjoy it for a while. If you don't, don't lie to yourself about it. Sometimes you just have to stop.

Sagittarius, Aries: Your dreams may be what you've always wanted to see in the world. You may see the world differently than other people, but don't be afraid.

Capricorn, Aries: You have a good future if you take care of your mental health. Your physical health matters, too. It isn't too late for you to try to make up for what you've done in the past. You can always start over.

Capricorn, Taurus: Trust your instincts. There's nothing you can't do if you set your mind to it. Never give up, and never give in, because your life is yours.

Taurus, Sagittarius: Your dreams and feelings will take you by surprise. You should trust your feelings, and you may need to work hard to deal with all your feelings. You have everything you need. It is all around you.

Sagittarius, Aries: Don't be afraid to try new things. Sometimes you just have to do something different. You never know what new things you may have inside you. You may get very strong. You may discover what you're good for.

Taurus, Virgo: If you want to find happiness, you need to learn to find it on your own. Don't count on anyone to save you. You have to do it. Don't wait around.

Virgo, Capricorn: There is nothing wrong with having a few secrets. Most people only have one big secret; don't believe it. Your biggest secret should be you.

Libra, Taurus: Give people what they need, and you may find them surprising. Try not to judge too much.

Taurus, Virgo: You deserve good things. Do what you can, but take care of your health and your mind. If you do, you will never be alone. You can never give up, because you deserve so much better.

[julyarchives]

Thicker Than Blood || (M) || Ch. 01

Growing up in a tough neighborhood had you learning to deal with hard situations, the occasion leads you to cooperate with the mafia organization that took care of your neighborhood - Pentagon. Looking after yourself and valuing your safety brought you to adapt to the moment, but the line between working for them and protecting yourself is very blurry when you are forced to live under their roof.

�� Pairing: Pentagon OT9 x Reader

→ Genre: Smut; Mafia AU.

→ Words:  2.2K

→ Contains: Mentions of Alcohol; Mentions of Violence.

→ A/n: So this is our Pentagon Mafia AU Series! This story will be multi-chaptered and we will add more tags as the story goes on, we have big plans for it! We hope you guys like it and it is worth the wait!

→ Index: 01 • 02 • 03

Chapter 01 - The Collectors

The cute jeans and red t-shirt you wore barely matched the bar you currently were on behind the counter. The place was quite nice but it was still too rustic for your liking, too brown and dark. Usually, the customers were rustic as well, and had a certain grumpiness to them, just like the place. You shrugged for the nth time while lost in thoughts. Working at a bar on a Tuesday night was the perfect situation for boredom, and bored you were.

Thinking back, you barely understood how you got the job anyway, walking in there one day to kick your friend's ass for drinking while you had a job to do with him and the owner liked your style. He needed someone behind the counter, you needed the money, it was perfect. You were rather young and sweet, you knew that often resolving some complicated shit and arguments in the bar but you also knew how to answer when needed and to take no one's shit home, you still stood up for yourself. Ok so maybe working at a bar was the perfect job for you.

Not wanting to dwell on how you wanted a better paid perfect job, you busied yourself by watching the entrance. It was Tuesday, so you've been kind of anxious the whole day waiting for them to show up. You almost gave your excitement away when two figures entered the bar and sat in front of you on the bar stools.

"Hello, boys. The usual?", you asked them with a bright smile.

"Please, Y/N".

"Right away", you chipped as you turned to get them their cold drinks. It'd be funny to see them drink a sweet cocktail instead of anything stronger if you didn't know them a bit better.

Wooseok and Yuto were young. Sweet and awkward boys that most older people liked and wanted to pamper. That's what you heard anyway whenever you spoke to the neighbors. You also knew they were attached to the hip, always together and always messing with each other. They had a third part to their best friend dynamic and you only saw him a few times at the bar, but you knew they clearly loved each other as brothers.

But that information didn't add up to the other information you had on the boys. The reason you expected them every Tuesday was because of their work. And that was what confused you. As every person in the region knew, there was only one force to respect and listen and that was the Pentagon gang. No, not a gang. It was straight down mafia business and these two cute young boys were their collectors. So every Tuesday they went out to collect the fee from every block and at the end, they'd crash at the bar to chat and drink something.

Seeing them every week made you realize how nice they were and quickly put the whole mafia business behind them. You, better than anyone, understood that you gotta do what you gotta do to survive. Since then, Wooseok and Yuto became more open with you and always brought back gossip when they had a good day. After all, mafia men were still men. Well, boys.

"Here you go, guys", you placed the drinks down and smiled sweetly.

"Thanks, Y/N", Yuto had a deep voice and it always managed to startle you.

"So, any gossip?", you chuckled and the boys followed, lowering their heads as if to share a secret with you.

"Guy from the butcher shop was working alone", Wooseok said, "caught his employee with his girl".

"No way!", you truly were shocked at the irrelevant news.

"Yep", he said while Yuto nodded. "Oh, and someone's trying to get inside our territory. We saw a warning at a wall, directed at us and, well, at all of you".

"What?!", you shouted and they looked at you like you just offended their entire family. You were confused. One, why were they telling you information that may be confidential? Two, how could they speak about something dangerous so casually?

"We have orders to let you know, actually", Yuto said as if he was reading your mind. "We know who these people are but not their faces. We thought maybe they'd start by frequenting a place where they can get more intel on our people".

"Here then".

"Hm, yeah", Wooseok nodded. "The warning only said to be careful who is loyal to us or the community would show us. We guess they want to turn people against us"

"More people, more money. An entire neighborhood against us wouldn't be controlled by usual methods. So, that's when you come in".

"If you're suggesting what I think you're suggesting, then no way". You were bold enough to talk back and they only raised their eyebrows at you.

"We only need you to be on the lookout for someone different", Wooseok clarified, "if there's at least one person asking the wrong questions about the community, you gotta let us know".

"Helps if we can identify a face", Yuto shrugged.

"Do I have a say in this?", you already knew the answer.

"As much as you do about our fee, Y/N".

"Fine. But if they come for me, I won't wait for your boys to come to rescue me. I'll bolt", you said with a sigh in defeat.

"You won't be alone", Wooseok said as Yuto typed away on an old phone. "You'll be getting a visit from tomorrow on, he's our shapeshifter, blends in wherever".

"If you have a guy like that, why put me to watch anyone?"

"Y/N", Yuto sighed and looked straight into your eyes. "We could burst into any safe house right now and do whatever we pleased with whoever was in our way. But we do value our community, that's why we got hold of this business in the first place. The bar is where everyone comes for information and you know that. Don't forget why you're behind this counter, to begin with. We need the bartender to do her job and chat with her customers as she does. The info will come to you".

"I-", you were starstruck and kept glancing from Yuto to Wooseok, hands on the counter. "I- this is the most you have spoken to me since we met". It came out accidentally and you wanted to slap yourself.

Wooseok laughed and Yuto smiled at you. You could feel the heat on your cheeks but only nodded to yourself, still processing everything. They finished their drinks in one big gulp and got up, Yuto nodding at you still with a cute smile on his lips, one that didn't match his previous words. Wooseok watched as Yuto walked out of the bar and chuckled at your expression that slowly was turning grumpy.

"I know you'll do just fine. It's not like us to put people in our business but to protect people, we need you", he was leaning forward, as if to make you see him and only him. "So, congratulations, you got promoted!", he laughed.

"Yeah, I'm the lookout kid", you definitely were grumpy now. "You need me to protect people but who protects me?".

"Me", Wooseok said a bit too fast. "I mean, Pentagon does. And you'll have the right company for that, don't worry. He'll be here tomorrow night".

Wooseok smiled at you again and turned away from you, leaving you to your thoughts. Why the hell was this happening? You got why this way was safer to find out who was behind the threat but you still were unsure. Well, it's not like you could say no without a valid reason. And apparently, your safety wasn't one.

You watched Wooseok leave and sighed. Getting their glasses to clean up, you kept thinking about all the things that could go wrong but also all the things that could go right. Part of you wanted to impress them and come out as a hero, it'd give you something else to do instead of just being the bartender. You laughed at the absurdity of it all and quickly shoved it all in the back of your head, deciding to let the future self deal with the situation and this guy who'd meet you tomorrow, slipping back into the boredom of a Tuesday night at the bar once again.

Laying on your bed, your mind raced nonstop and you couldn't sleep no matter how much you tried. Yuto's words kept coming back and you felt even more deflated each time. "Don't forget why you're behind this counter, to begin with". You knew your upbringing was shitty and you had to fend for yourself a long time but you honestly thought that it didn't matter much until now.

Your parents fled when you were eight. They had some issues with themselves and suddenly having a family became too much of a cage for them and they fled. They left you with your grandmother and never came back. Your grandma was a saint, she was sweet and loving but she was sick enough to not be able to work, so you toughen up and started bringing money home by twelve years old.

You smiled thinking about how she raised you with such care and love that you managed to get that trait from her even if the streets treated you like shit. You discovered soon enough that all the love your grandma had was all the love you could get because no one liked a little girl who put her hands on whatever she could find to sell and get hers. You met a few people while you grew up and managed to turn out just fine even if it bruised you more than you liked to admit.

When you were around seventeen your grandma passed, you thankfully blocked whatever memory you had of her suffering and only focused on her happy memories. Since then you got her small and simple house and got more involved in the community, everyone who respected your grandma finally understanding why you were a kid like you were. Fast forward a few years and you got the job at the bar and things got a bit better.

You got up from the bed and scoffed at how things were mostly shoved on your face enough that you had to go with the flow every time. Fucking Pentagon taking over the neighborhood when you were a kid and now this. You heard more than participated in the whole protecting mafia business when you were younger, but the situation wasn't strange to you. Getting around in the streets you knew things and the most important one was to follow the organization's rules.

When you were twelve and started to hit the streets, you knew very well to not mess with the men from the org. But also soon enough you learned that the best way to earn anything good was to be on their good side. So you started to run a few errands for them and earned a good amount. Of course, you had nothing to do with them but still, it was a good connection. You didn't know much about the members in the hierarchy but you were sure that no one from the time you were a kid was still in their ranks.

You were sure mafia business was very harsh and violent but the boss was too violent once upon a time and things got out of hand. The neighborhood they swore to protect was being targeted and they brought the fight to all people. Fortunately, it ended after a few months of much fear and blood around the streets and you heard they all changed members. Rumor had it that it was their kids that took over when the parents died during the more violent times, at least in the high ranks. But you had stopped tending to them a few months before it went down so you had no idea for sure.

You only knew that Pentagon had a hard time getting people's trust again and started a more gentle approach with the community, hence why Wooseok and Yuto were dear to some people under their wings. They went over to everyone who had helped them directly and formally thanked and apologized for their trouble. Of course, they still terrified people who walked out of line and when the community respected them again, it was clear they were in charge. But now it seemed like they only cared about their own business and getting richer with their schemes instead of getting involved in a bloody gun war.

You realized you were standing in the middle of the corridor getting lost in thought and laughed to yourself before finishing the path to the kitchen to get water. The cold water helped you calm down and soon you were too busy sitting on the couch looking for any silly reality show to get lost into.

Halfway through the episode, you felt the sleep taking over you but being comfortable on the couch made you just pull a cover you kept there over you and stayed there, falling asleep in seconds. It was a very rough and long day, so you welcomed the slumber gratefully. Little did you know that while you succumbed to sleep in the living room, your phone buzzed in your bedroom, a small text that should be completely out of line appearing.

We trust you to do this safely but count on me to help. -WS.

[47crayons]

THE WICKED WITHIN—A COMIC SANS WIP REINTRO

!!!!! it's here :D the wip that started to consume me and has been continuing to do so since, now with a much better sense of what exactly is Happening

current tww taglist let me know to be +/- !! @a-completely-normal-writer @writing-is-a-martial-art @wannabeauthorzofija @magic-is-something-we-create @croctears @writeblrfantasy @opes-magnas @author-a-holmes @zoya-writes@fuyugomori @ink-fireplace-coffee

transcript is under the cut!!!

[transcript: a powerpoint presentation of black text on white background, written entirely in comic sans.

start slide one the top left corner reads in red, "warnings (most relevant) war, death, drugs (& addiction), poison". in the center, "the wicked within", and underneath it in smaller font, "a comic sans reintro by @47crayons". the comments around the entire slide read "a family that is so found!!!", "gang rivalry :D and gang content in general", "crime found family basically", "childhood friends to STILL FRIENDS", "all queer cast :p", "eat the rich (not quite, but it’s the right sentiment aldskjfls)", "kickass women, yeah bay bee", "nuanced relationships between different groups :D", "morally grey characters!!!", "so many different governments!!!", "a (mostly alsjflksdj) stable relationship!!!" end slide one

start slide two in the beginning of time… there were four gods: eltenjer, he/him, earth; skari, he/him, fire; aenged, they/them, air; thilda, she/her, water. i didn’t /mean/ for them to have genders, but a quiet breeze whispered “psst. i use they/them.” in the beginning? so you mean… they’re not there anymore? kind of! the gods need followers to survive, and after several unfortunate events, they lost the majority of their followers. the aforementioned unfortunate events: the great ruination, in which natural disasters caused several years of famine and other hardship. the restoration era, in which renovation led people to believe they can live without the gods. if the gods are dead, what’s the point? the gods aren’t /really/ dead, closer to dormant. they can’t actively interact with the mortal realm, but IF they had followers, they would come back to life. oh. did i mention that they control the magic. end slide two

start slide three the dormant gods who can't do... anything control the magic??? hey, no one said magic always has to work. foreshadowing alert huge foreshadowing alert. let’s talk about how magic works, shall we :D people use the Spirit to do magic. people have a Vessel (representation of stamina or how much Sprit can be used at once, can be trained!). people also have a Strength (a type of magic that works well with the user, these have varying frequencies which also depends on location). there’s too much i could say here, but the important thing is the main characters’ Strengths. the right depicts an image of a flowchart showing that gods need followers and produce sprit. people need spirit to do magic. end slide three

start slide four okay but where are we??? where could the magic be so fucked? well, here, of course! the left side shows a line art map, split into five parts going clockwise: portingdale, worchester, the hooks, elderwood, unlabeled. the legend shows that there are mountains in portingdale, forests in elderwood, and rivers that run from portingdale to everywhere else. the place where the four labeled regions meet is called the Inner City. the text on the right reads. welcome to Kjer! there are 3 districts. but wait! there are five? sections? and one isn’t even labelled. worchester used to be a district,,, but it left after the war began. the unlabeled section is the disputed region (re: war). let’s talk more about this war. elderwood wanted easier access to water (see: the rivers in the Wetlands) elderwood & portingdale have been fighting there on and off for over half a century. the hooks has three wards: west (hella rich), south (lower income), north (somewhere in between). end slide four

start slide five whomst. skip to the next slide if you want the actual characters. character basics: the unnecessarily-winded-and-cram-a-lot-of-lore-in version. in the North Ward of The Hooks, there are three main gangs. Kaer Styen, meaning “wicked ones”, Ghetfaer Skarnen, meaning “trickster lords”, Ad Knesten, meaning “the grumbles”. that was so many capital letters i don’t like capital letters alskjdflksjd. they have rivalries and conflicts from time to time, but it’s pretty rare. the tww cast is kaer styen !!! their main means of profit is a drug called jezdin. relieves physical and mental pain. lethal in high. quantities/ when tampered with. can also be addictive. they operate out of a dingy tavern-like building, and they live upstairs!!! okay so this is purely for vibes. how did u know. end slide five

start slide six the Gang. literally :3 Kaer Styen, my beloved. the first thing in each of their bios is their Strength (re: the magic slide). artbreeders!!! i fixed quite a few of them, but my artbreeder skills are questionable at best. this slide is split into three columns. the first column shows a white person with short, brown, curly hair and a firm, but not angry, facial expression. len, he/him, pan. Shifter (can manipulate physical properties). cynical, very cynical (because he has killer instincts). “oh people are dying? am i dying? are you dying? why should i care?” in a relationship with cal. the second column shows a person who appears east asian with long, black, wavy hair and fair skin. chloe, she/her, aroace. Chemist (chemistry but magical). literal archery god. also she’s so quiet it’s SCARY. seems welcoming, emphasis on /seems/ she’ll destroy your ass. knows what you’re feeling. she just. knows. the third column shows a white person with dirty blonde hair. they are smiling. cal, they/them, bi. Whisperer (can persuade others through speech/music). so casually funny all your burdens disappear for a hot minute. gets very attached very deeply. grew up in Portingdale which becomes Important later. end slide six

start slide seven cont. also they have piercings!!!! maybe i will make some picrews later (listen, i KNOW i’ve said this before but. maybe i’m for realsies this time, okay?) this slide is also split into three columns. the first a smiling white female with light blonde hair. eden, she/her?, demi lesbian. Healer (healing magic <3). seen hell and doesn’t want others to suffer. still believes in the gods’ existence. we Don’t talk about her awful parents. raised by a lovely woman in the South Ward, known as Nana. this eye (left) is almost PURPLE which i didn’t do on purpose but is honestly such a cool idea. the second column shows a partially smiling black man with short curly hair. jereth, he/him, gay. powerful life magic thing (will be spoilers if i talk any more). joins them at the beginning. honestly kind of scared of them (who wouldn’t be), but wants to live up to expectations. throws himself into stuff to avoid Thoughts. the third column shows a woman with brown skin, black wavy hair, and a small smile. she is NOT a member of Kaer Styen, but i’m talking about her here all the same. adalaide, she/her, bi (i didn’t like the e in adelaide alskdfjlsj). Melder (metals and the like). heir to the Portingdale throne (assuming her dad doesn’t disown her). Cal’s ex from a few~ years ago she’s still a lil’ hung up on them. technically an antagonist but i love her. so all my characters are queer sue me </3 end slide seven

start slide eight some semblance of plot? coming right up!! the four (jereth isn’t there yet!) are attacked in the Inner City. turns out it’s portingdale soldiers. and then they discover that portingdale has been poisoning the southern rivers (affects worchester and the south ward) because worchester doesn’t really contribute to Kjer as a whole. word gets out, and elderwood, naturally, is even angrier at portingdale (remember, they've been at war). so, they try to stop portingdale from being power hungry enough to poison the entirety of a country while learning about why worchester is so isolated while ALSO trying not to get killed by everyone who hates them. end slide eight

start slide nine memes :> the first is the meme of spongebob reading a sheet of paper and burning it. the paper reads, "going into worchester by yourself is going to get you KILLED", and spongebob is labelled "chloe". the second is the levels of brain template labelled "jereth". from the weakest to most powerful: "trying to figure out his magic", "doing it by accident", "saving everyone's lives". the third is the sleeping person and brain meme. brain: "you're going to portingdale". cal: yeah, i know. brain: you'll see adalaide. cal's eyes are wide open in fear. the fourth says "corporate needs you to find the difference between this image and this image". the first image says, "family", and the second one says, "len, chloe, cal, jereth." eden says, "they're the same picture". the fifth is the spiderman copycat meme where jereth is copying len. end slide nine

/end transcript]

[sigynpenniman]

Julian Bashir Playlist Time!!

Apple Music playlist (if you're a heathen and subscribe to apple music like me) here

I know that there's plenty of people making playlists, but I really feel like this is an under-utilized brand of fan content. Instead of attempting to create a list of songs that Julian would listen to, or a playlist of songs which were all lyrically directly applicable (though there certainly some of those in here) regardless of genre, I tried to create something which captured, above all, his vibes instead, by choosing songs that balance at least somewhat relevant lyrical content with the energy or feel that I associate with the character. What it means matters, but not as much as how it makes you feel. That said, I signed up for apple music and read a TON of those overwrought iTunes store album review descriptions while I was making this, so I have a whole lot to say about all my choices here. In depth explanation of my symbolism and methodology behind each song under the keep reading. (I love tumblr. I want to write 1,000 words of analysis about why I picked songs to represent Julian Bashir and some of you are gonna read it. This is where I get to pretend to be one of those iTunes music writers. I feel joy.)

Good Morning - Two Door Cinema Club TDCC's Gameshow is high on my favorite albums of all time list for nebulous reasons I myself don't really understand. It was this album, though not this song (but one that will pop up later) that actually inspired me to make this playlist to begin with, as for some reason, from the color scheme of the album cover, to the overall vibe, to the ever-present references to illness, injury, surgery and healers in the lyrics, the whole thing feels inescapably Julian to me. And with an opening like I'm a sinner/I'm the victim/I'm an alien when I'm myself/I'm a healer/I'm a fixer/I'm a present danger to my health/I'm so strong/Doing what I'm supposed to do/ There's something wrong/With somebody like me, it's hard NOT to think about Julian when you hear this song, and I can't think of a better way to start this off.

Sweater Weather - The Neighbourhood I think there's a joke somewhere about bisexual people all liking Sweater Weather, and yeah, I resemble that remark. Sweater Weather is just good. You'll notice there's a sort of chill-indie-alt-electronic thing going here, and that is very much the vibe I'm sticking with. Sweater Weather slots in beautifully, both sonically and thematically. As the singer looks to warm and protect the person he's with from the cold, you can't help but feel a loving coziness coming off of this one. It always makes me feel cozy, at least, so it's here.

Gooey - Glass Animals I have nothing to analyze here because the artists themselves have said that the lyrics of this song have no meaning, they're just meant to capture a vibe, and capture it they do. Close your eyes and ride the vibes of this one. The energy is right, I love it, it belongs here.

Blue - Mika I could probably write a couple hundred words on Blue alone, in any context. This might be my beloved Mika's magnum Opus. Opening the song with the inherently counterintuitive lyric Blue is a feminine color, Mika manages to pack it ALL into this 3 minute song: questions about gender; concepts of sadness, joy, and their intersections; of the perception of melancholy as a flaw and loving people despite, or maybe because of, those "flaws" and anything else about them; a powerful first person reassurance that made me start weeping in my car the first time I heard it; just the phrase "why are humans cruel to you." And oh boy, ARE there questions of gender. Why is blue NOT considered a feminine color? Is that a good thing, a bad thing? In 3 minutes of artful poetry, Mika manages to wrap up sadness, love, joy, pain, the feminine that exists within the masculine and the masculine that exists within the feminine, in the simple color of blue and then, in one lyric, validates it all. And on a much simpler and more obvious note, this is in fact all a philosophic musing on the symbolic meaning of the color we see Julian wearing almost all the time (when he's not in uniform, almost all his civvies are also shades of blue.) I feel like this is one of those songs that's hard to analyze because it does what music and poetry does best - communicate something that cannot be communicated any other way. With these broad themes of loving others around the things they can't love about themselves, you can decide for yourself if this one is coming FROM Julian or directed AT him, either works. I find myself struggling for exactly the words to explain this one, but listen to it; you'll understand.

Little Dark Age - MGMT Another choice with no obvious lyrical relevance, but the tonal fit was just too good to pass up. The vibes pass.

The City - The 1975 This song is one of several present because it leans on medical symbolism to get its point across, though I would be lying if I said I fully understood what that point was. But the entire second verse, apparently about the song's subject suffering from some kind of illness and reassuring him that the next one's the M.D./You'll be feeling just fine, seems somehow to transmit the discomfort of illness directly to the listener. I don't know how or why, but the effectiveness of the empathy the second half of this song elicits, in me at least, puts it squarely in the "odd medical vibes" category.

Surgery - Two Door Cinema Club THIS is the song that inspired this whole playlist, mostly because of its title and general vibe. Another example (of many) of medical/anatomical references in this album (another of the songs is called Fever, etc), this song just feels like Julian to me.

The Other Side Of Paradise - Glass Animals I really like Glass Animals. That is probably becoming obvious. Aside from its delightfully cohesive vibes, this song opens with what's simultaneously the slyest and most brazen gay lyric I have heard on the radio recently, as the male singer says When I was young and stupid my love left to be a rock and roll star/HE told me... The song seems to be about a man whose male lover left him in pursuit of fame and fortune, and eventually ends up with a woman, leaving the singer behind. It's got simultaneously subtle and obvious gay themes, it's got confused love affairs, it's got so much bisexual energy. I cannot think of anything that could be more Julian.

Sit Next To Me - Foster The People Kind of like Sweater Weather, this whole song is built around a rather cute and sweet "sit next to me," and you can't help but feel a bit warm and cozy when you listen to it. I think it pairs with sweater weather well, and slides in with the rest of the picks very nicely.

Nothing Better - The Postal Service (the original band of the lead singer of Death Cab For Cutie) Another example of heavy surgical symbolism, the very first lyric of this song is Will someone please call a surgeon. This is actually a duet, and the singers speak of their real hearts to represent their emotional ones. Something about Your heart won't heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures always gets me and always will. And it vibes good. It vibes so, so good.

&Run - Sir Sly Sir Sly's &Run is my favorite song for driving too fast. It does an amazing job of musical onomatopoeia, talking about running while making you want to run. It's a song about running out of plans and running as far as you can instead, which is all very "I'm illegal by definition so I went to the farthest possible reaches of space." And like everything else here, it just feels good. It's also one of the only highlights here that I can actually see Julian listening to.

Cosmic Love - Florence and the Machine It's no coincidence that it seems like most of us who are invested in Julian Bashir are some flavor of genderqueer, be it trans, nonbinary, questioning, or something else entirely - the man's got a Gender with a capital G, and there's a whole lot going on in there. Between the words that were written for him on the page, and the words that were actually spoken, and the way he carries himself, Julian always seems caught between the white, western, and frequently toxic masculinity that the writers often seemed to want to imbue him with, and the very different, racially and culturally distinct masculinity Sid actually brought. But there's an undeniable element of the feminine in Julian too, at least by a traditional definition. The presence of this part of him at all, much less the fact that, in-universe, it's the more traditionally "feminine" parts of himself - the caregiving and nurturing aspects - that Julian seems proudest of or to like most about himself, is a large part of what makes his character so interesting, at least to me. So there was no way I was getting out of this without acknowledging that somehow, and I can't think of a better way to acknowledge a complicated relationship with the feminine side of one's own gender than with this world's own Celtic divine feminine, Florence Welch. I can't think of any better artist, at least that I know of, to represent femininity as a nonspecific ethereal goddess-concept. I basically spun the wheel of Florence here, as anything would have worked, but Cosmic Love felt very appropriate for a character who does in fact live in space. There could even be some Garashir in here, I think.

Dream Sweet In Sea Major - ミラクルミュージカル, or Miracle Musical, a sister act made up of members of Tally Hall I also couldn't leave off without acknowledging Julian's affection for classic lounge music, especially since it's the only thing about his taste in music that we actually know. But instead of tacking on some rat pack, instead I'm polishing this off with the incredibly chaotic and somehow also perfectly cohesive and calm Dream Sweet in Sea Major. It's got all of the vibes of a lounge singer but gone completely off the rails, which just seems perfect somehow. And it's also a very nice feeling to be left with, so it seems only right to put it at the end.

and if you've read all of this, I love you. Y'all didn't know I was this into music did you. but I am. oh boy. I AM.

[mimisempai]

When you feel weak, let me be your strength

Summary:

Sam, slightly injured during a mission, is going through a moment of doubt. But Bucky is there to take care of him.

🌈 Happy Pride month ! 🌈

To celebrate, 1 day, 1 story.

Be ready for smiles, laugh, fluff, tooth rotthing fluff, positive vibes and a lot of love!

https://archiveofourown.org/works/31944619

1427 words - Rating G

Bucky felt Sam roll over next to him several times.

Until finally, Sam sat down on the edge of the bed with a heavy sigh.

"Sam? You can't sleep?"

"It's mostly that I can't find the right position." He sighed and reluctantly continued, "because of the pain."

This simple admission showed Bucky how much Sam trusted him. Sam never complained.

At the beginning of their relationship, getting Sam to open up about his pain was like pulling teeth. His lover was so used to relying only on himself, being strong for others, taking care of others, that he took it all on himself and forgot about his own self. But Bucky was there now.

"May I see?" asked Bucky softly.

He knew that during his last mission, Sam had been hit by a rock that had come off a cliff and hit him in mid-air, and even though his armor was reinforced with vibranium-a requirement of Bucky’s who had literally begged Shuri-it didn't stop him from feeling the shock.

"What? What do you want to see? That I'm not a super soldier like you? That I can't take a beating without getting hurt?" Sam questioned him bitterly.

But Bucky didn't let Sam's defiant tone deter him, he kept his composure, put everything he felt into his eyes and said softly, as if he was talking to a scared animal, "Show me Sam, please."

They stayed like that for a few moments. Bucky was unimpressed by the dark looks Sam was giving him and continued to stare at him in the same way until with a sigh of defeat, Sam gave in.

Although reluctant, he lifted his shirt and Bucky held his breath at the extent of the bruise. No wonder Sam was having trouble sleeping. It stretched from the top of his shoulder to his ribs and back again.

Bucky decided that if his lover wouldn't take care of himself, then he was going to do it for him.

He stood up, kissed Sam lightly on the forehead and said, still in the same gentle tone, "Stay like that, I'll be right back."

He went into the bathroom and Sam heard him rummaging through the drawers until he came back with a tube of cream that Sam recognized as a pain remedy. Bucky studied the bruise for a second, trying to figure out what to do so that Sam would suffer as little as possible and then said, "Lie down on your stomach, I'll apply some cream."

Sam huffed and said, "Bucky, there's no need, it will go away. You don't need to worry."

"Sorry, but I can't. I'm your husband, it's my duty to worry about you. It's the direct consequence of my love, deal with it."

Bucky put a finger on his lip and continued, as gently as ever, "Hush Doll now, let me take care of you. I know it's not easy, I know you don't like to feel weak, but I told you before, here with me there is no Captain America, no expectations of the outside world. Just Sam Wilson and his husband Bucky Barnes who takes care of him after a difficult mission. So try to let go, I'll take care of everything ok?"

"Okay." Sam did as Bucky asked. He was never able to resist him anyway, Bucky having shown him time and time again that he was more than capable of taking care of himself. Sam's bravado was just his last defense to keep himself from letting go and they both knew it.

Once Sam was on his stomach, Bucky straddled his thighs. He opened the tube of cream, took a dab and warmed it in his hands before starting to apply it to Sam's skin.

Sam flinched slightly.

Bucky stopped immediately and asked him, "Am I hurting you?"

"No, on the contrary." To emphasize his point, Sam put his hands along his body, his shoulders completely relaxed

Bucky, reassured, continued to apply the cream and then massage the rest of Sam's back, loosening all the cramped muscles. Keeping the touch light though so as not to increase the pain.

"Bucky... actually it wasn't just the pain that was keeping me awake." said Sam softly in a slightly broken voice  after a few moments.

"Hm? What else?"

Bucky knew this was coming, it wasn't the first time, so he just listened.

"I'm trained, I'm not afraid to get into the fight when I have to, but sometimes I... "

He paused, as if he didn't dare continue his sentence or had trouble putting into words what he was feeling.

Bucky continued his massage and simply asked, "But sometimes you what Sam?"

"Sometimes I'm afraid of being too confident, of getting carried away by the power of this shield. And when I got hit by that stone, the pain I felt on the impact, I realized that without the shield and the armor, I was just mortal.  And I was scared for the first time in a long time, I felt the same shock as when Riley had been hit in mid-air by the rocket. I wondered if I had not let myself be carried away by the feeling of omnipotence that the armor and the shield gave me. I wondered if I was able to keep going. "

Bucky lay down next to Sam, turning him so that he could wrap his arms around him while being careful not to put pressure on his bruise.

Then he began to whisper against his hair, "Just because you ask that kind of question, I can tell you that yes Sam you are still capable of doing it. Did you get carried away? So what? It happens to everyone. It took a rock to make you realize that but I know you Sam, you're an extremely lucid person, - well not always about your own needs-, so you would have seen it sooner or later. But to get so carried away that you forget your responsibilities? No Sam, I'm sure of that.The proof is in your reluctance to take the shield 10 years ago, you didn't jump on it, you didn't believe that the shield was everything.  You chose to take on the Captain America costume fully aware of the weight of that responsibility and you still wear it today in the same way. You are human Sam, you are allowed to stumble.  You're allowed to have doubts."

"But I'm supposed to..." Bucky cut him off gently.

"Hey Sam, having a moment of doubt or weakness is not being weak. It's what you do with it that determines that. And I already know you're going to turn this into a stepping stone to move forward. You're not supposed to be anything. And never forget that you're not the only one with these responsibilities, even if you're the one in the spotlight. There's Sarah and the kids, Joaquin, Rhodey, Peter -don't roll your eyes, I know you love him- me-"

"Meow?"

"Haha and yes there is also the most supportive of all, Alpine."

Sam smiled, as Alpine jumped on the bed and lay against his belly, feeling he needed comfort.

After kissing Sam on the neck, Bucky whispered softly," So now you'll get some sleep, we'll enjoy this weekend of rest and I promise you that with hindsight, you'll see things differently."

"What if I don't?" asked Sam, the doubt still lingering in him a little.

Bucky placed his hands on Sam's head and began to make hypnotic circles with his fingertips.

"Then you'll consider other options, we'll consider other options together and if that means hanging up the Cap's outfit for a while, then that's what you'll do and I'll support you whatever your decision is. Anything is possible, Sam. Anything is possible for you. But we're not there yet, so try to get some sleep sweetheart."

"Hm Bucky, I don't know what I would do without you."

"That darling, we don't need to know, I have no intention of leaving.

As Bucky massaged his head, Sam gradually felt the fears, the questions disappear, letting a restful sleep take over.

It was only when he felt Sam's breathing take on a regular, deep rhythm that Bucky surrendered and fell asleep as well.

Tomorrow everything would be better.

Tomorrow there would be no mission, no fight, just the two of them, preparing for another tomorrow.

After tomorrow, this time, it might be Bucky who would need Sam.

After tomorrow and forever, only one truth would remain unchanged: Each of them was the other's safe place.

_____

Not beta'd I hope you enjoyed it 🥰

[kaysayshey]

off paper || e. kirishima

This is a work inspired by a struggle that a lot of those suffering with mental illness experience, particularly those with depression and bipolar disorder; however, it can be applied to a lot of mood-altering medications that cause sexual dysfunction. While medication is a life changing and stabilizing aspect of many lives, it doesn't come without its cons. I think Kirishima would be incredibly understanding in this situation. Please keep in mind that bipolar disorder presents in many ways. There is no one-size-fits-all in mental health treatment or in its subsequent treatment. I wanted to write a bit about the side effects of SSRI medications.

Songs that I listened to while writing include:

Serendipity by BTS' Jimin

Bumper Cars by Alex and Sierra

That Kind of Love by MAX

Warnings: Angst, Fluff, NSFW (no smut, however this work contains sexual topics), mention of prescription drugs, bipolar disorder, minors DNI.

On paper, Kirishima Eijirou was perfect. An impressive sidekick working underneath Fatgum, his cheery disposition more than capable of reassuring even the most terrified of civilians. A hard-hitting, defensive quirk paired with determination unlike anything you'd ever seen. Easy-going enough to work with the difficult heroes - and by difficult, everyone meant Dynamight. Intelligent, reliable, and just the right amount of competitive.

Off paper, he was even better. Hell, the moment he'd asked you out, you'd almost done a double-take. Was he sure? Kirishima could date, well, anyone. However, you'd blurted out 'yes' before your brain had time to catch up, even more surprised at the gorgeous pink that graced the tips of his ears.

And the date went wonderfully. Were you expecting anything different? He was a magnet, and you were willing to be the refrigerator he stuck to - at least, for as long as he wanted. How he managed to remember what flavor of milk tea and boba you preferred, following it up with a quick delivery while working twelves at the agency, was beyond you. Good morning texts wishing you an easy day of your own hero work, good night texts hoping that your dreams were "sweeter than you." The moment a bouquet of roses was sent to your office, you had to admit it.

You were embarrassingly attracted to Kirishima Eijirou.

Not that he minded, no. If anything, he returned the feeling tenfold. After the first date came a string of others before finally labeling it as a relationship. Movie nights, walks through the park, chaste kisses interspersed by giggles as you both laughed at whatever came to mind. The quick meetings between your lips turned into full-on sessions that left your knees weak. Being with Kirishima was easy in a way that nothing else had been.

But let's face it. Working as a full-time hero with bipolar disorder made life, well, tough. A pharmaceutical cocktail and therapy helped, turning what was the disaster of your life into a manageable mess. Episodes were few and far between, the prickling anxiety was quelled by coping techniques and medication when necessary. The days spent in a daze of your own "self-medicating" were long gone, thank whatever higher power was out there. No, life was on the upswing for you in pretty much every aspect of the phrase.

Except for your sex life.

And no, that wasn't to say that Kirishima was doing anything wrong. To be quite honest, he was doing every just right. Kissing the places you loved most, calloused hands lingering deliciously over your skin. A voice like honey whispering in your ear, beautiful moans of how gorgeous you were, how he absolutely adored you. Saying that it left you with weak, knocking knees was an understatement. He was an emotional hurricane, sending butterflies through your stomach as he showered you with praise and carefully placed lips.

Other than a complete lack of climaxing, it was amazing.

You knew this was a possibility once you had started taking medications. A loss of libido was one thing, but being unable to finish was starting to wear on you. Before you could stop yourself, you were doing the unthinkable: faking orgasms.

After all, who wants to spend close to an hour between someone's thighs just to be met with frustrated sighs and potentially awkward conversations? No, Kirishima didn't need to spend so much time on your pleasure, not when there was a high probability that you wouldn't finish at all. As long as the moans weren't straight out of a low-budget porno overly exaggerated, you figured you'd get away with it.

Getting away with it turned out to be the least of your issues. The struggle was real. Outside of the sweetest lovemaking with Kirishima, you desperately tried every trick in the book to reach an orgasm on your own. Something. Anything. You were beginning to feel pent-up, needy. The money spent on toys was starting to reach an uncomfortably high number. Time was wasted and followed up by flopping onto the bed in frustration. No amount of lube, porn, or fantasy was helping. Once you hit the hour mark, you basically gave up.

And you were now pacing the hallways of your apartment, irrational tears pricking at the corner of your eyes. Why did it matter? Orgasming was not the end all, be all of life. But the memory of before the medications, the euphoric bliss that would force your back from the mattress, that memory reared its head more often than you cared to admit. God damn it, you just wanted to feel the shudders, the rush of pleasure surging through your body, insatiable heat quenched. And you wanted to stop lying to him. The tears rimming your lash line made their arrival known, long tracks staining your cheeks.

This is, of course, when Kirishima decides to knock on your door. After all, you had planned to have a comfortable night in, a delightful line up of rom-coms at your disposal. Movies that you now wanted to throw out the nearest window. Why, why did you have to try again? He deserved so much more than a broken partner, a partner who would never be able to match him. Someone who could crash at the slightest struggle, who broke when their insecurities were brought to life.

Another set of knocks. Time to face the music.

As you gently opened the door, the drop in Kirishima's face was visible as he took in your state. Where a bright grin had been settled now featured lips drawn into a tight, worried line. After all, you did everything in your power to keep him in the dark in regards to your mental illness. Not necessarily your smartest move, in retrospect. Hindsight, you know?

The moment the door clicked behind him, Kirishima was gathering you in his arms, a large hand gently stroking the back of your head. A kiss to your temple, his forehead pressing against your hairline. Deep breaths weren't helping you at this point. Because regardless of how frustrated you were, Kirishima was safety, the warmth of his embrace a haven for you to let out the sobs that were wracking through your body.

And as the tears fell, darkening his gray tee shirt, Kirishima ran his hands up and down your back, the comforting heat of his body providing temporary relief. After moments of crying, you pressed your head against his chest, eyes glued to the linoleum floor beneath you.

A thick finger and thumb tenderly met your chin, slowly lifting your face to meet his eyes. Those usually warm red irises were dark with worry, the pad of his thumb running circles over and over against your skin. Another reminder of just how good he was. No man had ever made you feel as desired or important as Kirishima.

"Baby, what happened?" he murmured, still caressing your face so gingerly that it brought the threat of more tears.

"It's nothing, nothing important," came your quick response, avoiding any lingering eye contact. It wasn't that important. Sexual gratification came second to emotional connection, and you had that firmly in your grasp with Eijirou. Why would you risk losing someone like that?

His eyebrow narrowed at your words, and he kept your face cradled in his hands. "Please tell me, baby. I want to help."

God, that expression of pure concern. Like you were everything to him, like your hurt was his hurt. It was in that moment you knew: you couldn't keep lying to him. Whether it meant he'd leave for someone else, someone perfectly, indescribably normal; that didn't matter. If anyone deserved a picture-perfect romance, it was Kirishima.

Eijirou, I-" Your voice broke from the nerves, unable to hold his unflinching gaze. How could someone be so earnest? He nodded, those same reassuring circles urging you to speak.

"I think you deserve someone better."

He looked like you'd honest to goodness slapped him. So many emotions flashed over his usually cheerful face that it scared you. Oh, god, this wasn't what you wanted to do, but how could you not? No one wanted someone like you. Once he knew, he'd leave. Better to push him away first and just let it end now before-

"What are you talking about? Baby. I don't want anyone else. I want you." His words came out stammered, tripping over his tongue and falling into the otherwise quiet apartment. Kirishima shook his head slowly, searching your face for some form of reassurance that this wasn't what you wanted. That you didn't want him.

"I don't know why. I just, I'm too much. You'll end up getting frustrated with me and I just, I just can't take that kind of heartbreak."

"Too much? You're never too much, what are you talking about?"

The words fell before you could stop them, faster than should be discernible to the human ear. But if there was anything Eijirou was, it was attentive.

"My medicine is driving me crazy, and I know without it I'll go over the edge again. But I want to feel normal, Eiji. I can't handle feeling like I'm not normal." And it was true. Sex was so innately human, and knowing that there was a chance that you'd never be able to gain that ultimate satisfaction was driving you mad. Was this just an overreaction from a brain exhausted from constantly fighting itself, or was this a logical, albeit emotionally charged, reaction?

"Your medicine?"

There it was. What you wanted to avoid mentioning. Sure, it wasn't fair to keep it from him. But let's be honest, you'd been expecting this to end after the first few months. And now? Now you were shaking in his arms, knowing this confession would be the end of the dreamy love you'd been experiencing.

"My medicine for uh... for my, um. I have bipolar disorder. It's why I can't work on Thursdays, too. I have to go to therapy. I know I should've told you from the beginning but I just, you know, I really, really like you, and I don't-"

One finger met your lips followed by soothing shushes from his own. As if the world's weight had been lifted from his capable shoulders, Kirishima let out a heaving sigh of relief. The arm around your waist pulled you closer, his large hand splaying comfortably against your back.

"I'm not going anywhere. I just want you to be okay. What can I do for you?"

And that left you tearfully admitting it all. Longing for the physicality that would bring you closer together, the bliss of coming undone at your partner's hands. Disgust when you listened to your friends' bragging of delicious, gratifying one-night stands. Aching heat desperate to be relieved by your man only to be left at the edge, the warmth still tingling through your body. How you felt caught halfway between "normal" and "crazy" even with the drugs. And Kirishima nodded, hanging on every word.

"I'm glad you told me," he began, slowly trailing his fingertips up and down your back. "If I had known, I would've worked ten times harder. Will you let me make you feel good, honey? Please?"

How did those few sentences send you into another fit of tears? Clutching the lightweight fabric of his shirt and apologizing for the damp stains, you nuzzled against his chest in embarrassment. But he continued his motions, adept fingers working at your tense muscles.

That night, he gave you everything you wanted and more, eager to please you in a way he never had. Eyes focused, sweet nothings spilling from his lips, tender hands and featherlight kisses. Teasing and romance and dedication over hours, something you'd never experienced before.

On paper, Kirishima was perfect. Off paper, he was even more. And he fulfilled his promise to you, "I love you" slipping from his lips when you finally reached your euphoria.

"I love you too, Eijirou."

"I'll always love you more."

[fallenrepublick]

JUNE I HAVE AN IDEA AHH AND I CAN'T MOVE ON FROM IT TIL I BLURT IT OUT

Chiss triangle because you already know the game

We know the drill: you're with Thrawn, he's with you, Thrass wishes he was with you, you care for Thrass, and Thrawn isn't thrilled by whatever Thrass has got going on for you.

On some level, Thrass understands what he feels isn't ideal. Not that he's ashamed of loving you, no, just the opposite - He's afraid of loving you so much that it will forever impact his life negatively, knowing he might never get to be with you and feeling his heart break every time you and Thrawn accomplish another milestone together. It's not like he can take himself out of the picture since he's family, and essentially in charge of making sure Thrawn stays in line as far as work is concerned, nor would he want to. Any time with you is better than none at all. Still, he knows it would be best to at least try to move on from these feelings. He knows he'd die for you, but if he's ever going to be there for anyone, he needs to keep himself in check.

So, he decides to date around in his own circles, a little embarrassed by the fact that at one time he'd have any of these women on his arm just for appearance's sake, to compliment his own career. It would be hard to transition back to the same mindset he had before he fell in love with you, but for both your sakes, he was willing to try. He meets a fellow politician who seems nice enough - she's poised, elegant, intelligent, and knows what she wants. In the eyes of the Ascendancy, they'd be an ideal couple. That's good enough for him, he guesses.

Things go relatively well during the first month of their Chiss-typical courtship, and a family dinner is arranged with you and Thrawn. He knows he doesn't love her yet, and maybe he never would, but maybe this step was necessary to finally start breaking free. He doesn't mention much about you to her out of fear that she'd pick up on his feelings for you, so he doesn't say much other than you're his brother's significant other and what your profession is. In doing so, he neglects to mention that you're human.

The first thing she does upon seeing you is laugh into her palm and whisper to Thrass, "Is this some kind of joke?" to which he replies, "What are you talking about?" and she quickly realizes it isn't. How how the mighty Mitth have fallen, to allow their members to bring home trash from lesser space. It was unthinkable. She doesn't care to hide the mild distain on her face during the introductions, which doesn't go unnoticed by any of you, however, her snide remarks throughout the entire night indicated that didn't matter to her.

Thrass's brows knit tighter and tighter with every passing minute, seeing that although you're defending yourself quite well and minding your manners, her sharp words are subtly affecting you. Everything boils over for him when she shifts all her attention on Thrawn and asks him how you two met. He calmly tells the story, all but unaware of her politically-attuned reasons for asking, and she hums in response. "I see. If I may ask, is that even allowed?" She glares at you as though you were roadkill in a dress, not hiding her disgust in the slightest, "Does she have all her shots? Do you keep her indoors?"

Thrass bangs his fist on the table and immediately rises up from his seat, shooting a death glare her way when he asks her for a word in private. As they leave, you let out a sigh and lower your head.

"I'm going to excuse myself to the balcony," you whisper to Thrawn.

"Would you like me to join you?" he asks with a knowing care in his voice, and you agree to abscond with him. He wraps you lightly in his arms once you're both situated on a bench, ready to listen to your heart's concerns.

"I can't believe Thrass would fall for someone like that," you begin, "I really thought he was more..."

"Selective?" Thrawn guessed, and you nodded. He holds you a little closer, "Perhaps. My guess is that he wasn't aware of her prejudices. If my intuition is correct, she was mainly a distraction for him."

"A distraction?"

He raises a subtle eyebrow at you and smiles, charmed by your naivety. "In any case, I doubt we'll be seeing her again."

Before you can inquire further, Thrass steps out onto the balcony disheveled and alone. He looks to you and Thrawn, who gets up and whispers once he's at Thrass's ear, "You can apologize to me by covering dinner. You'll have to suffer more than that for her."

Thrass shoves his paycard into Thrawn's already-open palm and responds with a solemn look as if to say "I know" before Thrawn exits back through the corridor. Your eyes meet, and he moves to stand at your side, the epitome of guilt.

"I don't-, I'm so-, I can't believe-," he sighs, finally getting a grip on himself, "I apologize for everything you endured tonight. I never would have brought her had I known she'd be such a-"

"It's okay, Thrass," you interrupt calmly, "Really. I'm used to it."

The implications of your words melted his countenance into something pitiful, the realization that this wasn't a new occurrence for you breaking his heart. It didn't really occur to him that you likely were faced with disapproving looks and snarky comments nearly every day you interacted with the Chiss, since he himself had never seen you as anything less than perfect. He sat down at your side, taking your hand cautiously in his.

"You didn't deserve that. ____, I want you to know that I've never in my life thought of you as..." he let his thought get lost, making himself aware of what was appropriate to say, "I think you're wonderful. Please don't let what you heard tonight give you a bad impression of me, because I-"

You brought the back of his hand to your lips and gave it a quick kiss, charmed at how dumbfounded he suddenly became. "I know, Thrass. Thank you for being, well, you. I really appreciate it."

His eyes lit up, a feeling of relief washing over him. "You forgive me?"

"Of course," you answered, pulling him into a hug. He tentatively rested a hand on your back, thinking of a way to break the silence once it had dragged on a little too long, before he'd become a little too comfortable and say something he couldn't take back, but you beat him to the punch as you pulled away.

"So, what did you say to her?"

He stroked the back of his neck nervously. "Uh, nothing that bears repeating."

"Oof, that bad?"

He chuckled, remembering the heated argument from only minutes before. That beautiful human is the love of my life, and I'll sooner destroy you before you even look at her ever again. That, coupled with plenty of insults and expletives. "Yeah. Needless to say, we broke up."

Your expression was thoughtful for a moment. "I'd say I'm sorry, but... I'm not." You smiled, relieved when he returned it with glee. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," he replied, "it's you I was more worried about."

He squeezed your hand, which hadn't left his the entire time, and you gave a reassuring squeeze back. A certain tension started to fill the air, and before you could acknowledge it, the sound of Thrawn clearing his throat from behind the both of you shook you out of it.

"I believe you have an early appointment tomorrow, Thrass."

He shuffled back onto his feet, backing away until he had both of you in view. "You're right. I suppose I should get going. Please enjoy the rest of your evening."

With that, he reverently gave a slight bow and strode out the way that Thrawn had stealthily came. You lover came and took the recently vacant seat next to you, setting an ornamentally-wrapped box between you both.

"What's that?" you asked.

"Dessert," Thrawn replied smugly, "courtesy of my brother."

You chuckled, leaning back into your rightful place in his arm. "You forgot to return his paycard."

"Did I?" He wondered aloud with no small amount of feinged surprise, holding it out in front of him. "Shame. I don't suppose there are any productions you've been wanting to see? Perhaps any jewelry you've been admiring?"

You gave him a good-natured slap on his wrist as you smiled. "I'm fine with dessert."

"As you wish, my love."

He was going to surprise you with something, anyway. Something expensive. It was the least Thrass could do, after all.

OHOHOH WAIT BUT THERE’S MORE

Think about it a second, do you really think that woman’s going to let Thrass get away with something like that? Chiss pride is a dangerous thing, and when crossed, can be fickle and vile to its victims.

And here, Thrass has crossed what he is soon made to regret. The woman goes to Thrawn, who’s obviously less than pleased to interact with her, but lets her speak regardless.

She tells him what Thrass said, everything so accurate to his personality, so reflective of how Thrawn knows him. Though her bitter demeanor gives him pause, he knows when someone is lying, and this... wasn’t it. The more the words circle around his head, the more he hates the knowledge that Thrass still can’t get over it.

It’s not his fault entirely. More often than not, it’s difficult to deny such strong feelings. And really, Thrawn has to at least give Thrass credit for trying. But that doesn’t change the fact that this ordeal may have only made it worse.

But Thrawn doesn’t tell you what his brother said, more for his own sake than Thrass’s, and only wants him to hurry up and seek out another distraction before he makes him. As long as he stays in a constant state of concern for himself, he won’t have the energy to pursue you. Thrawn’s certain of it.

[rebsrams]

A case of you (Ethan x F!MC)  part II

Book: Open Heart

Pairing: Ethan Ramsey and MC (Dr. Rebecca Valentine)

Warnings: none. Just utterly romantic fluff.

Summary: part II of my fic A case of you. Find part I here.

Word count: 1,377   

@openheartfanfics​

"On the back of a cartoon coaster

In the blue TV screen light

I drew a map of Canada

Oh, Canada

With your face sketched on it twice"

Then he saw her.

Just standing there, in the gloomy blue reflection of the tv placed on a shelf above her head.

She was swiping her finger delicately on the rim of the glass, a few coppery curls partially blocking her view.

He noticed than she had a map of some place he didn't recognize from that distance, with something sketched upon it, a few lines which from where he was standing didn't make any sense. 

"Rookie."

He called for her, breathless from the run and completely stunned by her natural beauty. 

But most of all, he was thankful to see her there, still waiting for him.

She looked up, her eyes glimmering with surprise and pure joy.

She hadn't heard him call her like that in a really long time, and suddenly they both someway felt brought like a rush to the start of it all.

That first day at the hospital, the first nights they gazed at each other through glasses of scotch on the rocks with the chattering of her friends in the background.

The coffees they secretly shared, because he couldn't stand that anyone else knew the existence of his precious and miracolous coffee machine.

That night spent together next to baby Ethan, while Ethan senior was still grieving for the loss of his mother.

That was the night he knew that anything was the same anymore. 

That he couldn't live peacefully without her.

 And he wouldn't. 

She immediately stood up, her lower lip already trembling for the excitement. "Dr. Ramsey." she managed to say, voice shaking and weak in the knees. 

She dreamed so much about this moment. 

She knew he was gonna tell her something that was going to change her life, for better of for worse. 

They finally met in front of the table, merely a couple of inches between them. He just gazed into her eyes, afraid that by saying anything he would have ruined the incredible moment they were living.

 A moment of awareness.

 "Listen, Ethan, you don't really have to say anything at all, I-I'm incredibily sorry for what..."

"I love you." 

The sentence cut into her clumsy speech like a shard of glass, sudden and sure. Eyes wide and gaping, a thin "what?" was everything she could actually manage to say in return. 

He quickly took her by the shoulders, as if to shake some sense into her, and repeated, even more sure than before: "I love you, Rebecca. Your clumsiness, and your incredible kindness, and altruism, your impatience and the little wrinkle on your forehead that it causes you when you have to wait for an important result. I love that you always take the same time to come to my office after I paged you, always a little breathless because you ran up the stairs to be quicker. I love your freshness, and the incredible irony you have, worthy of your stunning mind. I love the fire that you hold inside, igniting you from the bone, even when it's directed towards me." at that point,she let out a small chuckle, beginning to sniff loudly. 

"I love that you're so emotional" he continued, wiping her tears with his thumb "that you cried all night after that one of your long time patients left the hospital for good because you could heal him. I love you, Rebecca. And I don't want to hide anymore." 

Now, he was cupping her cheeks with both of his big and warm hands. 

"Are you going to make my heart stop?" she said, nearly choking with her tears. "Couldn't you just... I don't know, deliver the news in small doses?" 

Now was his turn to chuckle, a giggle which turned into a deeply laugh that filled his chest. 

"What was that saying of yours... Go big or go home, right?"

Just like he imagined, she threw her arms around his neck and began to pepper his face with kisses, until their mouths finally encountered in what seemed the seal to a silent pact. 

No more lies. No more running.

They stood there, in each other's arms, foreheads touching and inebriated grins on their faces for what seemed an eternity.

Eventually, they sat to share a drink together, cherishing the moment a little more.

"What is it that you have there?"

He pointed to the map she was sketching upon, catching her cheeks turning red.

"Oh, just a little... Nothing, really"

He could easily smell the lie, picking the map of what looked like...

"Canada? And... Is it my face that you were drawing?"

"It's a long story."

"I have plenty of time. Plus, I'm not going anywhere." he said, kissing the back of her hand.

She let out a long sigh.

"Well, long story short... I was offered a job at the Toronto General hospital, a few days ago. I must admit that I really thought about moving my residency there, escaping from my problems and starting a new life. I even bought this map yesterday, hoping it would have gave me the courage to finally face the decision.Then... I found myself sketching your face on it, twice, and hoping that you wouldn't forget me once I got away. That you could forgive me, if I went there. Now I'm so ashamed... I just want to dig deep and hide!"

She let go of his hand and dug both hands in the mess of her curls, a dismayed expression on her face.

"Rebs, sweetheart. I should be the one ashamed, here. You have to forgive me. For the way I treated you, for backing away when you needed me the most, for being so fucking scared of making you suffer just by being by your side that I hurt you anyway. That is a thing I could never forgive myself for, but you have to. I couldn't live otherwise."

He tilted her chin up to make her face him, giving her a quick nod.

"Let me take you home." he said almost in a whisper.

Now was her turn to nod, a brief smile hanging loose on her lips.

"You're in my blood like holy wine

You taste so bitter and so sweet, ohI could drink a case of you

Still I'd be on my feet

Oh, I would still be on my feet"

Three years later, Dr. Ethan Ramsey was sitting on the couch of his apartment, her wife's head in the slope of his neck while he gently caressed her belly, swollen by six months of pregnancy.

"Judy, dear, I already told you that you'll have to wait a little longer before meeting us. We're quite impatient too, your mommy especially, but that is no reason to kick the hell out of her." Ethan whispered softly to her womb.

"Ethan! That's not quite the way to talk to a baby, you know."

While playfully reproaching him, she shuffled his hair in a way that made his heart melt like the first time she laid her hands on him.

"Maybe we should blame it on the alcohol. I think that three glasses of that pinot noir i drank with Naveen this evening had me quite dizzy. I still can't imagine how a man of his age who once was on the verge of death and ready to let everything go could take the alcohol that way."

"Maybe it's my presence that makes you so dizzy, uh? I saw you enter that door quite decently just half an hour ago." she mocked him, remembering him stumble through the doorstep.

"Trust me, my dear, you're the only thing that's keeping me on my feet and going. You, and this funny little thing in here" 

He kissed her belly affectionately, unspoken prayers carried with the simplicity of that gesture. 

"Have I ever told you that I love you, Doctor Ethan Jonah Ramsey?" she replied, giving him a peck on the lips.

Something about his full name said by her wife's full lips filled him with pride and a touch of lust that he could never resist, no matter how hard he tried.

"Quite a few times, I guess."

With a swift movement, despite her several months of pregnancy and his actual dizziness, he lift her up and brought her to their bedroom, ready to cherish her once more as he always did since that night of three years before. 

Aaaand here we go! Hope you liked the second part.

I had a lot of fun writing this.

Feel free to report any mistake (as I already said, I’m not a native speaker and I’d really like to improve, so your help is more than well received!)

Also, I’m trying to gather a taglist, so let me know if you’re interested in my writing and want to stay up to date on my MC adventures!

[magistralucis]

Hello! Now that i have acquainted myself with the Bloody Beetroots music a bit I can't help but ask you to share your knowledge and thoughts on Volevo Un Gatto Nero if/whenever you feel like doing it. I am so confused.

Holy Christ you’re in for a ride.

Alright. For anyone else reading this - not that I know why you’d, uh, want to - while the song referred to in the ask is ‘Volevo Un Gatto Nero (You Promised Me)’ (2013) by The Bloody Beetroots, I’m going to delve into the original ‘Volevo un gatto nero’ (1969) and its variants for most of this answer. The Bloody Beetroots’ version is a cover, and so can’t really be discussed without keeping the original song in mind, mostly because the history of this song since its release has been convoluted as heck. What a doozy this is going to be!

As you can see, the original is now nearly fifty years old. There’s an Italian children’s song festival called ‘Zecchino d'Oro’ that has been ongoing since 1959, and ‘Volevo un gatto nero’ (sung by Vincenza Pastorelli) was one of the entries for 1969. It tells a rather harrowing tale. I’ve bolded and underlined only this translated section, to indicate that it’s for the original.

Un coccodrillo vero un vero alligatore(A true crocodile, a real alligator)ti ho detto che l'avevo e l'avrei dato a te(I told you that I have it, and I’d have given it to you.)Ma i patti erano chiari: il coccodrillo a te(But the terms were clear: the crocodile, to you,)e tu dovevi dare un gatto nero a me(And you were meant to give me a black cat.)

Volevo un gatto nero, nero, nero(It was a black, black, black cat I wanted)mi hai dato un gatto bianco, e io non ci sto più(You gave me a white one; I won’t stand for it!)Volevo un gatto nero, nero, nero(It was a black, black, black cat I wanted)siccome sei un bugiardo con te non gioco più(Because you are a liar, I won’t play with you any more.)

Child, it’s just a cat! Jesus!! Chill out for a moment!!!

At least, I guess you’d be tempted to say that for just the first verse, but this child apparently also offers a giraffe and an Indian elephant and an entire zoo to obtain this one black cat. So the longer this song goes on, the more you have to sympathize with them - because, you know. It is a pretty rough deal! The song finally culminates in them snapping and vowing to just keep the cat - whether it be black or white (’ma insomma nero o bianco, il gatto me lo tengo’) - before they play take-backsies on the other gifts. You can’t really blame them. Nobody ends up getting exactly what they want, but the singing child still walks away with a new cat. And that’s why you keep your promises, children.

So far so good. The very same year, a version was recorded in Japan with completely different lyrics. The Japanese version is called ‘Kuroneko no Tango’ (’The Black Cat’s Tango’), and the first verse goes like this:

君はかわいい ぼくの黒ネコ(You are my cute black cat)赤いリボンが よくにあうよ(that red ribbon suits you well;)だけどときどき 爪を出して(but sometimes you show your claws)ぼくの心を 悩ませる(and you hurt my feelings)黒ネコのタンゴ タンゴ タンゴ(The black cat’s tango, tango, tango,)ぼくの恋人は黒いネコ(my lover is a black cat)黒ネコのタンゴ タンゴ タンゴ(The black cat’s tango, tango, tango,)ネコの目のように気まぐれよ(you’re as fickle as the gleam of cats’ eyes.)

And yeah, it does actually say ‘lover’ in the second line of the chorus. (The original word is 恋人, ‘koibito’.) No further comment to make on that.As you can see, it’s become a rather more cutesy, generic song under the Japanese influence, sung to the same tango tune but basically unrecognizable from the tale of bribery and betrayal depicted in the Italian original.

But the thing is.

This version got popular.

So popular, in fact, that since the time of the Japanese release, pretty much every foreign-language cover of ‘Volevo un gatto nero’ has talked about cute black cats and/or tangoes and/or the general amusing habits of cats - without having any semblance to the original. Faithful Italian covers of the song exist, of course, because it’s a song that’s been around for a long time and the tune has been recognizable in so many contexts as it is; in an excellent example of recursion, the Japanese singer MEG covered the song in the original Italian in 2012, too. (Listen to it here.) But even so, when you hear the tune of ‘Volevo un gatto nero’ and it’s not in the Italian, the popularity of the Japanese version and other circumstances have ensured over the past decades that you are almost 100% certainly not going to hear a tale about crocodile bartering. It’s the Japanese version that’s being homaged most of the time, like for example in the Finnish version (’Mustan Kissan Tango’).

Jos mustan kissan saisin, mä sitä tansittaisin.(If I would get a black cat, I’d make it dance.)Sen mustan kissan tassut ne sitten hassut on!(Then the black cat’s paws would be funny!)Kun pitkän narun päähän mä laitan paperin,(When I put paper on a long string,)niin kissa tanssii aivan tangon askelin!(the cat dances with the tango rhythm!)

Hei, tanssi kissa tango, tango, tango,(Hey, the cat dances tango, tango, tango,)  nyt mustan kissan tanssi sen ikioma on!(now it’s the cat’s very own dance!)Soi mustan kissan tango, tango, tango,(Play the black cat’s tango, tango, tango,)se japanista lensi tänne meillekin.(it flew from Japan to us.)

Bolded for meta-commentary. This version’s pretty self-aware, at least. (It’s also the single most catchiest version of this song for me, but your mileage may definitely vary.) As far as covers of ‘Volevo un gatto nero’ go, ‘Mustan Kissan Tango’ and ‘Kuroneko no Tango’ relate to each other very well, but not so much to the original.Still better than the French version (’Je Veux Vivre Tango’):

Mes parents exagèrent, ils ne me comprennent pas(My parents exaggerate, they do not understand me)  Et parfois j'ai les nerfs noués au bout des doigts(and sometimes I have nerves tied at the fingertips)Pour aller a l'école je me lève à 6 heures(To go to school I wake up at six o'clock)Et j'ai les yeux qui collent et j'ai les yeux qui pleurent(and I have eyes that stick, and I have eyes that weep)

Moi je veux vivre tango, tango, tango,(I want to live [a] tango, tango, tango,)mais mon père et ma mère sont toujours après moi.(but my father and mother are always after me.)Moi je veux vivre tango, tango, tango,(I want to live [a] tango, tango, tango,) vraiment ils exagèrent, ah quels parents j'ai là(they really exaggerate, ah, what parents I have here!)  

… That’s… not even…. remotely close to… Ah, never mind.

As for why I know so much about this one song, it’s because the Korean version (or versions) was quite popular when it came out. I know of it in two forms, the children’s song version in 1970 and a rather poplike version by a group called Turbo. The latter is what most people my age remember, but the title remains the same: ‘Black Cat Nero’.We’ve actually kept the ‘nero’ aspect of ‘Volevo un gatto nero’, but in Korean that’s merely a name, so I don’t know if that counts as particularly faithful to the original. Still has the black cat, though.

그대는 귀여운 나의 검은 고양이(You are my cute black cat)새빨간 리본이 멋지게 어울려(That scarlet ribbon suits you well)그러나 어쩌다 토라져 버리면(But if you end up sulking somehow)얄밉게 할퀴어서 마음 상해요(you scratch out of spite, it’s very hurtful)검은 고양이 네로 네로 네로([My] black cat Nero, Nero, Nero,)귀여운 나의 친구는 검은 고양이(my cute friend is a black cat)검은 고양이 네로 네로 네로([My] black cat Nero, Nero, Nero,)이랬다 저랬다 장난꾸러기(you’re full of mischief all over.)

I like to think of the Korean versions as a synthesis of the Italian original and the Japanese cover, I guess. We’ve done our best with what was given, even though the ultimate final result just reads like a translation of the latter for most part. I’m sure the 1970 version was a direct reaction to ‘Kuroneko no Tango’, anyway, so it was inevitable.Also, you may have not needed to know this at all, but the ‘[my] black cat Nero’ (’검은 고양이 네로’ / ‘geomeun goyangi nero’) part is an excellent mondegreen in Korean for ‘gum is made of cat brains’ (’껌은 고양이 뇌로’). The sheer amount of playground bullshit I and so many other kids sat through over this one mondegreen is unbelievable. I couldn’t forget this song if you paid me to. Should I fall into a coma one day and lose all my memories, I will bet that this is still the one song that will remain in the depths of my mind, its claws sunk in like… like, well, a cat, I suppose. What gives.

Anyway. I could go on and on, but I really need to approach the question of what The Bloody Beetroots made of the song. And to be quite honest with you, I think this is one of the most truthful covers of ‘Volevo un gatto nero’ out there, not just because of the translation but because it preserves the intent and emotion of the original pretty much dead on. The song only makes use of the chorus bit, but take a look.

You promised me Bob Rifo, Rifo, Rifo,you gave me some fake muso, and not the one that’s real.You promised me Bob Rifo, Rifo, Rifo,you’re such a little liar, you don’t know how I feel!HOLY SHIT

Isn’t that perfect? Though it’s done away with black cats, the rest of the lyrics can basically pass for a translation of the Italian original, if you allow for the rhymes! While other covers go on about tangoes or cutesy cats, The Bloody Beetroots’ cover has kept the ‘you promised me x but delivered y instead, and I ain’t having it’ part of the original, which is the central argument of the song. So this cover is still telling a story about a deal unfulfilled, complete with calling the other person a liar. I’d say that the emotion and general tone of the narrative has been kept in those lines.

The chorus alone isn’t the only well-adapted part of this cover, either. If you listen to the rest of the song, you hear interjections of ‘FUCK YOUUUUUUU’ during a couple of points, and while the original singer of ‘Volevo un gatto nero’ -Vincenza Pastorelli - was far too young to express the song’s emotions in such strong language on national television, I think it’s a pretty adequate summary of the song’s intended message. I mean, I don’t know about y’alls, but the anguish of not receiving the Bob Rifo that I ordered and being forced to accept an inferior substitute would fairly piss me off too, I think. And so would the idea of not being able to get my promised cat after resorting to extortionate bribery, in fact - just like the Italian original. The sound of a child bursting into tears at the very end of The Bloody Beetroots’ cover is just the icing on top. 

Sure, it’s not a direct translated cover of the Italian, and it’s like 10000x more hardcore than the children’s song it was meant to be, but I reckon these elements I’ve just pointed out are not accidental. Cover versions of songs change lyrics all the time - even though I’ve spoken of the covers listed here with bewilderment for most of the post, I do hold sincere affection for most of them, and they were all excellent hits in their respective countries - but I do think it speaks well of faithfulness to source material, if you preserve most of it as it already stands. ‘Volevo un gatto nero (You Promised Me)’ delivers on that for the chorus, and keeps the emotions of the original intact despite not having lyrics for the other 70-80% that it missed out. 

I’m so, so happy about that. I think that’s amazing.And with that, that’s ‘Volevo un gatto nero’ for you. :D

tl;dr: Sir Cornelius Bob Rifo is somehow the one person who managed to make the most faithful foreign-language cover of a fifty year old song, due to numerous mistranslations and variants of said song becoming more popular than the original.

Oh, yeah. And it’s, like… freakin’ metal.

[hubbyseby]

3- Claiming You

Mob! Sebastian Stan x Reader

Run-through: Having received those things from this stranger scares you in a way, but in another you feel attractive and wanted. Shared by these feelings, you don't know how to react but you can't help, you are relaxing with your Teddy Bear when...

Warnings: sexual touch, dirty talk, daddy kink, language, a little bit violence.

A/n: hello! How are you doing ?? This part is a long part! A very long one but it worth it because I was really focus. Hope you like this one though, and I'm sorry if there's no smut but it's coming. Be patient pleaseeeee😂 Hope you enjoy this one though💫

*

You weren't sure of what you were going to do with your presents when you got home with them. Helped by your crazy friends who couldn't stop asking questions over this, you dropped the girls at Samantha's house; Jessica was staying with her during one week. They invited you, but you preferred to stay in your home. Living alone, you had no one to help you carry the box, the Teddy Bear and the hearts' balloons inside. Slowly, you arrived to drop all of them inside, and you closed the entrance. Your house wasn't big, but it was comfortable enough. You verified your email to see if you have any notifications from your work, you had to pay the bills though! Even the house, because you haven't paid the amount required yet. Seeing no notifications, you dropped your phone on your bed, and you place the Teddy Bear at the central of it, watching it.

Why am I so sure it's him? You asked yourself. You couldn't help but close your eyes, thinking about his touch again. You never had someone in your life before, you had a crush on a boy when you were at 10th grade, but you weren't his crush. And he didn't love you. This broke your heart and you cried badly this night. You shake your head, getting those thoughts away from you while you walked over your lights to put them lower than they were. It's always like this that you were sleeping.

The sun was going down already, and the night took place. After the beautiful sunset, the blue sky made space for the beautiful stars and a full moon. You liked full moon, it was your favorite. You always liked to drink some wine and to listen to some sweet music like "Passionnate Flamenco". You liked Flamenco. It was relaxing to hear, you loved it. You weren't permitted to drink alcohol yet, because you were under age. But Samantha, the craziest of you three, took a wine bottle from her mom and gave it to you. You were kind of nervous to take it, but you did and when you drank it, you loved it and felt immediately relaxed. You took the bottle of wine and a glass, filled it and you went upstairs with them, puts it on your little table in front of your window, facing the beautiful sky. You took off your clothes and puts some "Passionnate Flamenco" music which was now heard in the whole house. But you didn't increase the volume to not disturb the neighbors. You entered the shower and took a longer one. After this, you got out the shower with your towel and dried yourself. You went to your closet and took your favorite nightgown, made with satin, without any underwear. The towel strokes your nipples and you moaned softly. You feel a familiar scent in the room and watched carefully. You were suspicious and scared. You felt a gaze on you, but you didn't care because you knew that you were alone. You take your Teddy Bear and you sit on the soft carpet with it; the box of flowers was on the same table when you puts the bottle of wine and your glass. You took a flower between the multitude it has in the box, you closed your eyes and took pleasure listening to the Flamenco while putting your rose in your nose. You took it and put it behind your ear. You felt incredibly beautiful. Like he would say.Your nightgown split from your waist to your feet. You take your delicates fingers, begins to stroke yourself from your ankle to your shiny beautiful leg. You moaned again while pressing the Teddy Bear. You were thinking of him, and you felt good. You closed your eyes again while stroking your lips with a hand, and still holding the Teddy Bear with the other. You smiled.

"Doll"... You said out loud.

You were thinking of him. Of his cologne. Of his sweet hair under your hand. Of his voice calling you "doll". All you were thinking of was his voice telling you how attractive you were. Desirable. Beautiful.

"I need to see him. I need to know this man" you said out loud while stroking your neck.

Suddenly, you feel a move just behind you. Before even turning back to verify, your doubts became reality:

"Hmmm... it was quite a show,doll ".

Your heart skipped a beat. You jumped and stood up so quickly that your right foot tramples the tail of your night gown and you lose your balance. Screaming, you closed your eyes to hear the sound of your body on the floor, hurting you and making you suffer after the shock; but you felt strong arms holding you by your waist and you hold onto him, scared to fail on the table which was carrying the box of flowers, the bottle of wine and the glass. Your eyes closed, you were shaking against him before you softly pulled away. You had your eyes on your toes and on those shiny black shoes of his. Your heart beats were so strong into your chest that you thought that he could hear them actually. He was still holding you by your waist with an arm, and the other one was slowly lifting your head. Scared and shy, your gaze meets his stormy blue eyes.

How can someone be so damn gorgeous? You asked yourself while shaking, still, against him. The sweet light of the moon stroked his beautiful face. You watched his shiny hair that he left free and there were some rebellious locks on his forehead which makes him more and more attractive. He was staring at you with a little smirk and he bites his lower lip, looking at yours. He was wearing a blue suit, almost matching his beautiful eyes. You felt his scent.

"This cologne..." you said while you were trying to put your ideas on track and trying to calm down.

His smile was beautiful when it showed up after your words.

"I see that you remembered me, doll" he said, still holding you.

"You needed to see me, huh? Here I am, baby girl " he said.

You pulled away from him and took many steps back.

"Wh-who are you?" You asked, still scared.

"Oh you'll know soon, babygirl " he answered while looking at the installation that you had on your little table and the Teddy Bear on the carpet.

"I'm glad that you're safe. Honestly, I couldn't let these animals hurt you..." he said, looking at your body with a gaze that you couldn't define.

You remembered of this night. The night that you met him. The night that he saved you while you were in danger with your friends.

"Why did you saved me? And my friends?" You asked, shaking less now.

"Too much questions, sweetheart." He said in a dangerous tone.

"I'm glad you liked your presents. I was told that you cried when you opened the box of flowers... Is it true, doll?" He asked with a smirk.

Your eyes widened. How did he know that?! You asked yourself, still trying to understand what the heck was going on into your home. He closed his eyes while listening to the music and smirks.

"You have a really good taste" he said while taking a rose in the box on the little table and walking to you. Your heart skipped a beat.

"How did you know where I live?" You asked.

No answers. All he was doing was making his way to you.

"And how did you entered here?" You asked again, trying to figure out everything.

Still, no answers. He kept going, he almost reached you. You were still going back slowly when you opened your mouth again:

"And how d-"

"Silence!" He yelled slowly while his body was blocking yours into the wall.

Surprised, you were about to scream when he puts a hand around your throat, holding you a bit tight.

"Shh..." he said while he puts a finger on his mouth. Clearly doing the sign to shut up. You obeyed.

You were scared, but your body was betraying you. You felt good with his body against yours. You felt beautiful with his gaze on you, filled with desire. He was still holding your throat when he softly turned your head to the side, so he was able to touch your delicate skin with his kissable lips. He puts a wet kiss on your neck and sucked softly the spot he was on.

You moaned softly while you were resisting to not touch him. You feel his little smirk on your skin. With the flower he held in his hand, he strokes your naked back with it, and you arched off the wall, meeting his clothed chest. Your nipples were mad hard at his touch. He took your leg in his hand and guided it to his waist.

"Your skin is so sweet, doll..." he moaned while he played his tongue on your skin, still kissing it.

"Will you be a good girl for me, baby?" He asked in your ear with the softest voice you have ever heard in your life.

"Oh my God" you breathed, eyes closed.

You were still scared, but a part of you was excited he was here. Excited that he was touching you. Excited that he was teasing you with his tongue. He strengthened the pressure around your throat.

"Answer me, doll." He said while looking deep into your eyes.

"Y-yes" you answered.

He looked your body while he strokes your left arm with the flower, your goosebumps were so visible that he smiled at it. He looks at your nipples and took the flower to them, stroking your sensitive buds with it. Your eyes widened when he crashes his lips into yours. Taking you out of breath with a burning kiss. Forgetting all kind of resistance, you puts your arms around his neck and felt his soft hair under your hands which you stroked. You felt the tears leaving your eyes while you were receiving your first kiss. No one has kissed you before. The only crush that you had didn't loved you. When you were younger than that, you were wearing braces and you weren't much developed that you were right now. Now you looked more like a grown woman than the younger you. You were smaller, skinnier and you were bullied at school. You were still bullied by Christina who refuses to leave you alone. He dropped the flower on the bed and took you by your legs. You didn't feel the floor anymore, all you were feeling was the tissue of his soft pants and the beginning of his butt of your feet around his waist. You feel his stomach against your clit while he was moving around with you, taking the direction of your bed. Kissing passionately, you kept yourself holding into his shoulders. With an arm, he was holding you and the other arm was slowly pressing your butt. He moaned into the kiss and he puts you on the bed, breaking it. He was standing in front of you, but your head was at the level of his belt. He took a hand and he lifted your head. Your gaze met his. You were on fire. You felt the race of your heart under his touch. You felt your nipples being harder than ever, and it was visible through the tissue. You felt a thing forming into your core. You felt weird but good. For the first time, you felt desired.

"You are so beautiful, baby girl..." he said while stroking your lips with his thumb while the other hand was stroking the ear which supported the flower you were wearing.

"So fucking beautiful..." he said again.

His words hits you. And you cried. Suddenly, he was drying your tears, once again. Like the first night the two of you met.

"What is it, doll?" He asked, attentive.

You couldn't talk. It was so unreal what you were living. You met a stranger who rescued you while you were in danger and also your friends. After that, he surprised you with beautiful flowers, hearts balloons and a Teddy Bear. On the top of that, he was into your house. Into your bedroom with you, kissing you hard, holding you tight, taking control over you with a soft and a violent way at the same time, and the word you always thought you didn't deserved crossed this stranger's lips: "Beautiful".

Seeing that you didn't answered, he looked into your eyes and said:

"I know all you are going through right now. You are bullied at school, but you don't deserve any of this. I'm sure you way more than that".

Your eyes widened.

"How do you know that?" You asked, sobbing.

"I know much more than you think, baby" he said in your ear before biting your lobe which took a moan out of you.

You were about to talk. And he repeated his same action, his hand around your throat.

"No more words, baby girl. Now, dry your tears. I don't like to see my girl crying" he said while he stood up again.

"My girl" you repeated in your head.

Seeing that you were not responding, he strengthened the pressure of his hand around your throat and you were forced to looking at him, serious.

"Obey". He said

Holding his hand with one of yours, the other one was drying your tears. Once you finished, his smirk was evident, he liked that. He liked being obeyed. He was a daddy. And you were his...

"Good girl" he completed for you. At the right timing of your dirty thoughts.

"Now, would you let daddy make his way with you, right now? On this bed? Making you a moaning mess under my touch? Huh, doll? Will you let me claim you as mine?" He asked.

"Claim you as mine" you repeated in your head.

His dirty talk does things to you and you bites your lower lip to wet the two of them after. He strengthened once again his hand around your throat. A hand that you were still holding. It was his way to tell you to answer him.

"Yes daddy" you said with the little voice of yours.

He pushes you in the bed and he takes a leg into his hands and he was stroking you. He made his way and kissed you again in a burning way. His tongue was toying with yours and you felt the tissue of your night gown stroking your clit. You moaned into his lips while holding his strong arms which were sliding on the sides of your body. He left your lips and made his way down your throat and he goes further down and gets rid of the tissue on your nipples. Seeing how hard they were, he smiled.

"You're so excited for me, doll. Daddy likes that"

And he kissed one of them, not sucking it yet while he toyed with the other with his delicate long fingers. You were so excited that you were begging now.

"P-please..."

He did it on purpose. He smiled, still kissing your nipple.

"I need your... your..." you moaned. He teased you with his fingers around your nipple, doing it faster.

"What do you need, baby?" He asked.

"I need your... your tongue on my body" you finally said and he didn't let any second pass that he started sucking on your nipple, you were holding his head. One hand stroking his hair and the other was stroking his neck. Suddenly he bites your nipple and you jumped. Unimpressed, he gives the same treatment to the other one. Leaving them and going further down, he stopped kissing you and you used your elbows to help you hold the weight of your body to see what he was doing. You could see his hard member in his pants.

"Fuck..." you moaned.

Slowly, he opened your legs without breaking the eyes contact. Your legs weren't covered. The tissue now covered your glistening heat. He hold the tissue and pulled it down your core. It hardly stroked your clit and you moaned much louder. You weren't used to it. You felt so good. He pulled again while looking at it and biting his lower lip. You moaned again. He pulled it away this time, and his eyes were looking at your most secret part. He kneeled in front of you and he kissed the top of your vagina, teasing your clit with his thumb.

You jumped again. Your legs were shaking around his head. You tried to escape, but he held you right there.

"Already so wet for me... You are so fucking beautiful Y/N" he breathed.

You felt his breath on your clit and your walls squeezed. You were now playing with your tits. At this right moment, the two of you heard the ring of your home phone's. Your eyes widened. The phone was right by your side because you weren't so far of the nightstand. He stopped a moment and you saw a dangerous light into his eyes. He was menacing.

"Answer". He said.

"Wh-what?" You said, breathing heavily.

He was on top of you in a blink of eyes and put his hand around your throat.

"An-swer". He repeated while you were taking the phone.

Obeying, you took the phone and, so quick he was to be on the top of you was the same he got quickly into your glistening heat.

"Look at me" he ordered.

What you did with the phone to your ear.

"Allô?"

As soon as you said this word, he puts his tongue in your core. Your eyes widened while holding a scream.

"S-samy!" You said, faking being okay.

She was talking but you didn't hear a damn word. You were focused on this man toying with your clit. Your head went back while breathing heavily. He slaps your thigh, it burned. You remembered his order.

"Look at me".

You looked at him while you were answering Samantha at the phone. Your hand was holding his head while the other holds the phone.

"Y-yes I am oka-ay Samy... I am just-"

He cuts you off while sucking harder on your clit on the rythm of the music that was playing.

"Fuck" you breathed while getting the phone away from your mouth.

"I am just tired".

"Y-yeah... Yeah! It's okay don't worry! Okay Samy, g-"

He leaves your thighs to puts his hands on your hard nipples, and he toyed rapidly with them. You breathed heavily.

"Good night, Samy!"

And you hung up. You didn't even put the phone into his place that you were moaning out loud, moving under his tongue. Stopping to play with your nipples, he held your breast into his large hands while massaging them. You felt something you never felt before into your core. You were on the edge to cum, and he felt that.

"Let daddy hear you come for him " he ordered.

You weren't in the position to refuse anything now. You felt it, it was close. He slaps your nipples.

"Obey".

You screamed.

"I-i'm cum... cuming daddy" you said heavily.

He accelerated his movements around your clit and you exploded without any warnings. You came so hard that licked all that you had to offer.

"Good girl". He said

After cleaning you with his tongue, he left your body to look at you in the bed, eyes closed, tired already. He knew that you couldn't take anything else from that moment. He took you in his arms on the bed and layed you beside him, still holding your shaking body against his. He kissed you softly. You could feel your taste on his tongue. You were kissing him weakly.

"Oh Y/N... Y/N" he said in your ear.

Eyes closed, you searched for his lips again and he approached you, admiring your beauty while kissing you, seeing that your eyes were closed, seeing that you enjoyed the moment. He left your lips. You didn't feel any fear from this moment on, you felt secured, loved, treated well despite his violence and his desire to be obeyed. Sleepy, you asked:

"Your name, stranger of a full moon?"

Hearing the name you gave him made him giggle. He was kissing your forehead.

"Too much questions, baby girl. Daddy doesn't like that." He simply replied.

"Please" you begged.

"The night I first touch you, at this party, and rescued you; the first word the men with the guns yelled was my name, doll."

You didn't remember the scene that he was talking about. You heard his voice fading away, as you were falling asleep. Half-conscious, you didn't pay attention at his answer. All you wanted was a name.

"Please, daddy... Tell me" you asked.

Once again you heard his giggles and he slaps your butt.

"Too much questions" you heard.

"Please..." you said.

You heard him sighed. You felt his lips kissing and stroking your ear, and you felt also his hair on all the side of your face. He bites the lobe of your ear and he said as you were really leaving this world to go away:

"Sebastian".

and you went through the secret barrier that led you into a deep sleep.

[rachkittycat]

The Act

****WARNING****

If you have suffered from any kind of abuse, do not read this if you are sensitive to it. This chapter is full (not super detailed but even so) of suffering from rape. I do have to let you know that this will get better as well.

For those of you who choose to continue to read this I do sincerely apologise and also thank you for bearing with me.

The act, the dance, the intricate moves. Bodies mingling together and pushing apart. The sweat dripping from his brow, sliding down his bare chest and dropping onto your breast as he towered over you. It was all planned out, every last movement. You remember that day like it was just yesterday. A day that started out like any other day but somehow fate didn't allow it to stay like that for long. She wanted something better for you. She still does, she knows the hardships you had, and will still have that hasn't happened yet. She knows that you will make it. She knows who you are, even if you still don't know it yet yourself.

It's been almost 3 years since that day. You thought you were in love with him, thought you'd spend the rest of your life with that man. What you didn't know was that he'd end up hurting you. More than what you could ever imagine. As the years went on you felt like all you were to him was a second option, someone he felt "safe" around because he knew you'd never leave. You couldn't exactly say no to his advances all the time but you couldn't say yes either. He had been taking advantage of you, you've known it for a while. You thought it'd get better eventually.

Everytime you found yourself finally get comfortable because he had shown that he loved you by respecting you, something would happen. Just like that first day. You remember everything. It imprinted on your brain.

His breath tickling the back of your neck as he pushes you down across the ottoman. His rough hands moving yours and your knees, forcing you to kneel doggy style on your shared piece of furniture. The sound of ripping, as he tears your pants off your hips. The cold air brushing it's way across your ass cheeks. The goosebumps that rise upon your skin with every touch he places on your skin. Your eyes watering as you begin to feel helpless and try to crawl away from his grasp. Your cries of desperation to get away fading into the void between your thoughts and your tongue. He won't let you go. You know that, yet you continue to try.

It doesn't take long for you to give up though. Realizing that it's pointless. You feel yourself shiver under his grasp of your hips as he pushes your panties out of the way and begins pressing the tip of himself at your core. The more you try to move away from him the rougher he gets. As soon as you try to move away he forces himself roughly inside you. Pushing all the way in, completely filling you up. You yelp at the suddenness, the force and the pain he brings to your core. As he pulls himself out and pushes back in you can't help but moan out. You aren't sure if it's starting to feel good even if it's not what you wanted. You do know that this act is supposed to be a loving one, but it's not. Far from it, he's being to rough, it hurts. You keep repeating those words in your head, it hurts, please stop, it hurts.

Eventually you find yourself saying them out loud. The pain becoming too unbearable as he slams himself deeper into you. He's enjoying it too much though. He slaps your ass cheek hard, hard enough to make you scream out, forcing your body to tighten around him. "Stop, please. Please stop. It hurts, I don't want this." You continue to cry out but it falls on deaf ears.

He does what he wants. He always has. Your just a trophy to him. A toy to play with. You feel his chest against your back and he breathes heavily into your ear. "You like this, don't you? You fucking whore, just listen to yourself, your moaning so loudly. The neighbors will hear." Suddenly he grabs you by the neck and pulls you up, still slamming himself roughly into you. With his free hand he grabs the hem of your shirt and pulls it off of you and your breasts fall free from the constraints they had from your tight shirt.

His rough hands grasp each breast and begin squeezing roughly. Pain shoots through your entire body now as you try to claw away from his grasp. It doesn't stop him though, it just makes things worse. He removed his hands from your breasts and grabs your hair at the roots and shoves your face down hard into the cushion underneath you. Your hands immediately go to help you try and lift you up but to no avail. He's too strong. Again he slams into your almost naked body, your breasts rub against the fabric of the ottoman forcing your nipples to get hard. It's unfortunate that you're so sensitive there right now. It's nothing nice, nothing to bring any pleasure to. It's the painful kind of sensitivity. As he finally loosens his hold on your head you are able to turn enough to be able to breathe. Every fiber of your being begs for this to end.

The moment it does end, he doesn't give a warning. He doesn't pull himself out right away, he never does. He releases himself inside you. All of his cum pours into you. Unfortunately you don't even realize he's done it. You're too numb. You can't think, you can't move and you certainly can't feel your lower body. You don't want to.

You shake the memory away. He broke you. A year had gone by since that first rough night. The other times you remember weren't as forceful but you knew it was still rape. This time was different now though. You got married to him. Not directly after that night. More like, eight and a half months later. Now, three months after the wedding you sit holding a beautiful baby boy. Your two month old. You told yourself that he was going to help change your life.

You're separated from you husband now. You had moved back in with your parents after he lost his job because he was harassing another woman. He, of course wasn't allowed to move in too, which you were truly greatful for. You ended up becoming terrified of him. You always worked and he had your son everyday. Every day you were scared he wouldn't be taken care of properly. Today is the last day of that though. Soon you won't have to worry about your husband "watching" your child. You are actually trying to move the rest of your things out and into the storage unit you rented. Unfortunately it's time for a break and you find yourself sitting on the very ottoman you hate so much. You assume that your husband has left to go get the mail and take something to the apartment manager while you feed your son, so you get comfortable and decided to lay across it, tummy down and watch your baby eat his food. Giggling as he looks into your face as you smile, watching him shove a fistful of chicken into his mouth.

You are barely aware of your husband's presence behind you and before you know it your pants are being pulled down and his member is already inserted. Memories start flooding your mind as you try to push him off of you. Desperate to not let your precious baby see how his father treats you. Far too soon in your struggles against him you feel your arms give out. You start feeling ashamed that you can't protect your son from seeing this. You watch as he crawls towards you and holds out his hand to yours. At this point tears are staining your face, rushing out as quickly as they form. You reach your hand out and hold onto his as his father mercilessly pounds into you from behind. You keep telling your son that everything is okay and as soon as he smiles and laughs your heart drops. Thoughts of him seeing this and hoping he'll never remember flood your mind.

As soon as your husband is finally finished with you, you jump up as fast as you can while pulling your pants back up, immediately picking your son up and holding him, crying into his shoulder. Praying that he forgets everything he saw. In your mind, you swear that you are never going back to your husband. Any doubts of divorce you had, now squashed by his actions today. You pray you'll never have to see him again.

You never tell your parents what happened to you. It doesn't matter, it never had. Not in your mind at least. Just because of his forcefulness you had to harden yourself from the outside world. Every man that wanted to talk to you was shut down before he could try. You sounded mean and hateful but you could care less. You hate men, in your mind they are all pigs. They always will be. You only ever trust your family. The men who raised you, both of your grand fathers and your dad.

Your hate for all men changed one day though. The worst day you had since that incident with your husband. Your depression returned, the hatred for yourself was the strongest it had ever been before and no matter how much you wanted to die, you knew you couldn't do that to the current love of your life. You just couldn't let him go live with his father. He needed you. You knew that. While he was napping you decided to go on Facebook and waste some time. Before you knew it you had stumbled across a boy band. You started to watch their music videos and couldn't understand a thing they said but became so captivated by the songs. Somehow something started to change in you. You started watching some of their other videos, laughing when they laughed as you read their subtitles, crying when they cried. You watched their recorded hardships and how they overcame that with each other. You watched their dreams unfold and realized that they cared for each other and tried their best to help with whatever was possible.

They brought you happiness that day. You decided that you wanted to learn their language so that one day you can tell them yourself how they changed your life. Before you knew it, your life took a complete 360. All the depression you felt was gone in a matter of months. You felt great. You played with your son more, you even took him out on walks every day. Something you almost would have never done before.

You're parents thought you were crazy for liking this particular boy band but you didn't care, every time they tried to criticize you and make you feel bad about it you reminded them that you have the capability of liking something of your own accord. They had their opinions and their likes, so why couldn't you have yours. You never judged them for what they like so why should they judge you. After that there were no more weird glances. You were finally the happiest you ever could be. You had almost everything you wanted for the current time being. However, you had one more big surprise awaiting you. One that would ultimately change your life more than the discovery of this band.

[hello-dolly]

(2) and she just looked at me and asked me one simple question. How old are your parents? I answered her, not really getting where she was going. She then told me, simply "They're responsible for their own lives, and you're responsible for your own and only your own until the point where you decide you want to have a kid. Then you'll be responsible for the kid as well." I disagreed with her, telling her that my parents drag me into their issues even when I try to stay away and she rebutted me

(3) She just smiled and said something along the lines of “Live your own life. When they see you’re doing your own thing, being happy, living your own life, they’ll start changing as well.” I didn’t trust her, tbh. I felt like I’ve always been there for my parents so they were used to me being there to listen and comfort and whatnot. I had some deeper issues so it took me a while to get on my own two feet where I don’t just jump up to help them whenever they come whining. I just started doing it

(4) And let me tell you, in the beginning it’s so hard. So hard to not just fix their issues when you know you could. But I realised that they can actually ix them, too. I just made them too much used to me being the one to fix them so they got spoiled by me. I fucking managed to spoil my parents, ridiculous, eh? But the more I’ve become independent in the way where I just listen without reacting and letting them deal with it all while I deal with my shit, they actually started getting better.

(5) It took me so damn long, though. So long to finally sever the damn phantom umbilical cord. I know how overwhelmed you must feel with parents who look to you for help, I know you must feel responsible for them in so many ways, but I just want to let you know it’ll get better. You’ll get better. And I say that because, and this was the hardest lesson I had to learn, the only person you can truly change is you. Others change as a reaction to your change, like a tidal wave. Take care of yourself

(6) Love yourself because you’re so damn lovable. And don’t put your life on any kind of pause or slow it down for others, because it will only harm you in the long run. On the other hand, you living your best life at the pace that is comfortable to you will inspire others to do the same. It does sound cheesy, but it’s proven many times to be true. If you need someone to talk to or talk AT, just message me, whenever you feel like it, okay? Be good to yourself!

I thank you kindly for your thoughtful advice, and I hear you completely.  Although it looks like tumblr ate the first part of this ask, I’m pretty sure I got the gist of the situation.  I thank you for sharing, and hope you do not mind that I am responding to this publicly, but I feel the need to make my own response public to see if there is anyone out there with the knowledge and advice that might help me more specifically.  In response:

These are strategies I’ve tried to reassure myself with for years.  But there are logistics to consider that I frankly need help dealing with, and due to a personal lack of finances, I am unable to seek professional help to help me answer these questions.

On my dad’s end, he will eventually learn to stop bringing me into his personal life on this level.  In part he does still emotionally lean on me because I’ve always been the only person that knew how to understand my mother and calm her down.  He discusses this with me to vent and also seek my guidance because we have always needed to respond very carefully as to not escalate the situation.  (On the other hand, he also communicates these issues with me to warn me of what the situation is, because I am always the next person my mother will contact if she is in a foul mood.)  My mother still had a lot of financial control and could put a lot of things at risk intentionally if we did not respond in a desired way.  Consequently, her actions would then affect the entire family, regardless of my involvement.  Losing our home is not something we can afford to go through right now, and this greatest thing at stake from my father’s end, until the divorce is settled.

Now, we have my mother who suffers severely from Borderline Personality Disorder, and is in need of intensive care.  I agree with you, that this shouldn’t be my responsibility.  But here is the reality of the situation; my mother is 60 years old, jobless (she lost 5 jobs in just one year), she is unable to maintain a job due to both mental health issues and physical health issues. She is in thousands of dollars of debt from medical bills, and a couple thousand from credit cards.  Her boyfriend (who seems to have recently left her) was their only source of income, and since he’s only on disability himself, there was never much money around.  She will be filing for bankruptcy this year because there are no other available options.

My mother is still covered under my father’s health insurance because their divorce has not been legalized yet.  However, she only has until the end of March before that health insurance is canceled.  The insurance however is a complete joke because our family is very poor and we cannot afford a lower deductible, so until we spend out $3500 in medical fees (money we do not have), we don’t qualify for much benefits.  To just see a general family doctor, our co-pays are $100 and up.  My mother who has no income other than the money I (had) been supplying her with, cannot afford to go to the doctor.  For over a year now, she has stopped taking all of her anti-depressant medications, mood stabilizers, sleeping aids, etc.  Recently, she has not had the money to pay for her other on-going medications for both hypertension and Diabetes type II.  She’s become very physically ill and her IBS has been affecting her daily life to an extreme.  However, with all of these things in mind, be aware that her doctor denied her his recommendation for disability when we asked.

I did take her to a social worker and we have applied to get her food stamps, cash assistance, and a medical card.  We have not yet heard back to see if she has been accepted for any of these government aids, and because we live in the bankrupt state of Illinois, I am weary of both how long it will take for her receive a response, and what her chances are of qualifying at all since her divorce from my father is not final.  (The divorce which we literally do not have money to afford at the moment.  My dad already had to take out money against his 401k to pay 5 missing house payments so that the bank would not start foreclosure. Which in turn, my mother then stole the money that he intended to use to pay off those bills, and used it to buy crack cocaine for herself.  She’s become an ongoing addict.)

My mother is literally at the point of being evicted from her trailer by her own sister.  Her boyfriend has left her, and he was the one that paid for all the utilities.  Knowing what I know about the health care system, I don’t think she will be quickly approved (if at all) for permanent Social Security Disability because it is rarely passed for people with Mental Illness, and her physical ailments are deemed curable as long as she has the money to afford the medications.  My mother has no other family members but myself and my younger brother.  I’m not at this moment allowing myself to consider the idea of letting her become homeless or forcing her to live in a women’s shelter where her health can only further deteriorate.

I would love to walk away from all of this and reassure myself that my mother will learn to change and that she will eventually be able to take care of herself.  However, at this moment, I know that she is entirely mentally and financially incapable of doing any of those things.  She’s been extremely suicidal and it’s taken every ounce of energy that I have to convince her that these problems are still manageable and there is hope that things will be better.

I love my mother despite all these issues because I understand how severe the disorder is, as I am a victim of it myself.  In a few weeks she will have no other option but to move to another state to live with me, since I am the only family she has that will take her in.  Opening my home to her means opening her to my care, and taking her on as a full-time responsibility.  I still do not have the money to get her the therapy and medical help that she needs; I don’t even have the money to afford it for myself.

I have no idea what to do, but I just cannot with good conscience walk away knowing that she will be left either homeless or to commit suicide.  I do not want these responsibilities, and I do want to live my own life, but it seems like my only way to live is to find a way to accommodate her life first until she is actually capable of doing it herself.  Most unfortunately to all of this is that I have no assistance myself.  I need help finding solutions, but I have no one to ask, and I have no connections to help me get things active.  As I mentioned before, I also suffer from BPD and anxiety, and it’s been extremely difficult for me to find solutions to her problems when I don’t have anyone first helping me to solve my own. 

I am truly and devastatingly in need of help that results in active decision making that will produce tangible results.  I need to be productive and make sure these situations don’t escalate even further than they already have, but I just have absolutely no idea where to go or how to make those changes happen.  I am not just frustrated with the situation, but also with myself, and I am endlessly terrified, but I simply know that doing nothing and walking away for my own benefit will result in consequences that I am not ready to live with. 

If anyone has any advice for what to do in the state of these circumstances, I am willing to learn and find a way to take action ASAP.