#listen i need y'all to read this i literally spent a half hour writing this NONNIE WHAT HAVE YOU DONE

[petekaos]

Okay I gotta be honest I know next to nothing about Mek and Victor so sweetest MekVic moments, go!

hiii nonnie! well... as dawnie @pangwave said when i told them about this ask, you have awoken the beast. this is just going to be a huge infodump about mek and victor, i apologise deeply in advance. 

so mek and victor have known each other and been friends for ten years, as evidenced by this tweet here! they’ve been in a fair amount of series together, usually at each other’s throats in some way or another lmao, like in room alone, ugly duckling, u-prince (they weren’t together in their eps but they did promos etc together), a gift for whom you hate, of course the gifted & the gifted graduation. 

but really, they’re just very sweet best friends in real life? mek teases victor about his relationship with piglet and loves both of them a lot, and you can see that in this tweet, where he says they’re well suited to one another - both cute and annoying :’) victor and mek are also part of the same big friend circle together that features mook (mek’s sister) and piglet and a couple of other gmmtv actors! so there’s a lot of convos happening between all of them on twitter and whatnot. also they’re just so incredibly supportive of one another, too! one of my favourite instances is the 10fightseason2 boxing match where victor took part and won - mek (and piglet, of course) was on his feet in the first row cheering loudly the entire time. here is a fun gifset of that, just because! also, victor goes to a lot of mek’s events and takes pictures with him which is adorable. they always take pictures together too!

here’s victor at #1stdatewith2m which was a mekmook sibling event, he tagged along and it was very sweet! they also had a couple of goofy moments i giffed and are in my drafts, i’ll add the link when i post it!

here’s victor at mek’s event holding some flowers! they are so sweet :( i have a couple of other pictures from this event that i’ll also get around to posting but this one was the fondest, they look so happy :’)

i still don’t know why they took these pictures for gmmtv2021 together... unless gmmtv is trying to tell us something and we get a mekvictor series in 2021 lmao yes i am clowning!

also, they are just such goofballs and sweeties to each other. i remember ugly duckling bts when mek and mild’s characters were having a romantic moment and when victor was teasing them with a little self-made loudspeaker. or their shenanigans here in fiat’s vlog! also any kind of live they do together to promote shows is a whooooole mess, they just... radiate such chaotic energy it’s wild. let’s not forget this picture they taunted us with after a heartbreaking episode in regards to chanonpom in the gifted graduation.

they didn’t have to be like this... and Yet.

furthermore! we have them either embarrassing each other or being sweet to one another on twitter. like this tweet:

maybe it’s simply also because they’ve been in a lot of dramas together, but it’s super sweet of him!

or this tweet, where mek talks about his most beloved friends of whom he’s also in their top 10, i believe (am relying on online translations here lmao) but victor’s one of them! 

and we have victor’s response here, which translates to: “we’re telling each other we love each other through tweets already?”

or how about the “strike first, strike hard, no mercy” saga? in which mek and victor say that to each other on twitter to the point where mek has internalised that enough to get a t-shirt with that slogan on it lmao. how about that time when someone talked about chanonpom and mek quote-retweeted a fan talking about chanonpom during the first season of the gifted telling victor they’ll meet at y afterwards? (y series = “bl” series lmao) also fond instances of mek @-ing victor in everything chinese-related. 

they are just very sweet best friends! i love watching their antics, together or not, and everything they do is filled with chaos. 

i leave you now with some pictures of my favourite boys!

the best boys featuring the best girl! i love mek’s blond hair, it’s no surprise, and while i have literally no clue why he also has his hand on the mic here, it’s a lovely picture with my three faves.

SORRY FOR BRINGING THIS BACK mek and also the gifted gays gc who have to suffer through my mekvictor infodumps... i just.... i will never get over this picture. so many questions. what is this event for? what is the dress code? was victor invited in the first place or did mek just bring him along? why is mek dressed like snape? why is victor dressed like a normie he is LITERALLY in SWEATPANTS??

it’s no surprise to anyone that i love this picture... i’ll spare you my thoughts on it but just know that it’s up there as one of my all time favourite mekvic pictures.

and i’ll leave you this one. love this one so much! mek’s ponytail and glasses and his victor-like flannel ft. victor not being whitewashed :’) 

anyway i love these two with my whole heart! if you read until the end of this then ily fhsnfh and i hope you’re well nonnie!!

[blackradandmad]

why blippi is rotting yr children's brains

preface: i literally expect no one to read this. it is an essay length, strong opinion piece critiquing a niche youtube-based children's show that i don't expect most of y'all to even have knowledge of lol. but like, i promise that even if you know nothing about what i'm talking about, in my incredibly, super humble opinion, it's a good piece of writing and interesting nonetheless. anyway if you read this whole thing for some reason yr really hot and we should kiss.

i thoroughly vet everything my child watches before he watches it, episode by episode. and we rarely watch youtube for entertainment; we usually just look up educational videos when he has a question about something and wants more detail than i can provide him. and that's mainly because children's content on youtube is so fucking troubling and distressing. i don't judge parents who give their children a tablet at a restaurant at all bc i've been there and sometimes it's easier on everyone to just put on a video and avoid a giant scene, but i do judge parents who just leave their children alone with youtube kids on autoplay.

take stevin john, a literal millionaire who got famous from dressing up as a silly character called blippi and going on tours of places like aquariums, zoos, construction sites, etc and posting it on youtube. this has branched into a whole empire of blippi videos, hulu shows and specials, live shows and tours (that he outsources to another character actor), merchandise and so on. this 30-something year old man cites his main influence as being mr. rogers, but i question if he's ever even seen an episode of that program.

mr. rogers had no background in early childhood development or media production, but he revolutionized the world of children's media, because he respected his audience and didn't shy away from real world situations, all while creating a show with an enormous heart. mr. rogers begins his episodes by inviting the viewer in, literally changing his attire to be more comfortable, and talking about/doing things he genuinely cares about. whereas mr. rogers calmly and maturely addresses the viewer, blippi puts on a high pitched, contrived voice, interjecting every other sentence with a forced exclamation such as, "teehee! we're having so much fun!"

i don't find it a coincidence that john (blippi) is a veteran, either. his videos are completely devoid of the absurd, abstract, childlike thinking that makes children's media fun, creative, and entertaining. his thinking and process is methodical, devoid of emotion, and very superficial. this line of thinking clearly shows the kind of creative sterilization and emphasis on sameness and conformity instilled in the military. blippi simply observes things and interacts with them in a stale, matter-of-fact way. "this ball is purple! this ball is pink! anyway... what's over there? teehee! a car! vroom, vroom!" objects are colors, toy cars don't do anything but drive, curiosity is simply not encouraged.

he uses the "it's educational!" excuse to hide the fact that his show lacks everything that makes media a valuable resource for children to consume in the first place. further than identifying colors, numbers, and the occasional letter or shape, there is just this total lack of children's need for social and emotional development. when mr. rogers breaks the fourth wall to address the viewer and let them know they're special, it feels authentic and natural, because we've spent the last half hour building whole worlds with diverse characters and unique stories in a pretend neighborhood, learning about and enjoying different musical instruments, being exposed to and making friends with (even if parasocially, it is still a real bond to children when done properly) children who are similar to us in character regardless of physical or environmental differences, feeding the fish, making art together, and so on. when blippi tells the viewer, "you are very special, and i enjoy spending time with you!" it falls completely flat and feels unearned, because the last half hour was spent running around a soft play center pointing at bright, colorful objects, visiting interesting locations like farms or fruit production factories while failing to acknowledge the humanity of the humans actually working there (everything is machine or product focused; the human workers are simply an extension of the machine), learning "fun facts" about elephants that just list attributes of elephants, not taking the opportunity to inform the viewers of elephants' intelligence, or diet, or matriarchal society. it is a loud, sensory overwhelming display of a man so disconnected from the social and emotional needs and desires of children that he assumes they're stupid, easily entertained idiots who only need some silly dances and fast-moving cartoon graphics to give their attention (meaning time and desire to purchase products meaning $$$). john clearly views his audience as a means to gaming the algorithm and ultimately a paycheck by the hollow way he addresses them.

the show is so narcissistic, so focused on all the fun blippi is supposedly having, but he lacks any of the character traits that make individual children's show hosts memorable, so much so that he was able to have someone else who doesn't even vaguely resemble him dress as blippi and impersonate him and host the show or appear at live shows, and it went unnoticed by most of his toddler and child audience. the show is so formulaic and the character of blippi is so unmemorable that instead of taking the blue's clues route of developing a story of the host leaving for college and his brother now stepping in, or making some sort of believable excuse for the change in actors, they can simply swap him out with some random guy and not acknowledge it at all. although a comedy show for older children, the amanda show in no way could or would try to replicate the show with the same name but swapping out amanda bynes with a random teenage girl who is clearly not amanda bynes. it's weird and nonsensical and shows that his character is so much of a farce put on for a paycheck that not even his dedicated audience is affected or even cares when he is replaced by a random, unknown person.

this is completely garbage content made by an opportunist with no experience with children who saw his nephew watching children's youtube content, took it at complete surface level and still hasn't realized that while children's content only looks and feels so easy, entertaining, and enriching because it is so hard to do well. even with outsourcing his music, that aspect of the show still sucks. famous and successful children's musician, raffi, is known for his song describing the life of a little white whale, called "baby beluga." it opens with a calm strumming of his guitar, followed by the lyrics, "baby beluga in the deep blue sea/swim so wild and you swim so free/heaven above/sea below/and a little white whale on the go." is it silly and kind of pointless? yes, but the point is that he is captivating children and showing them the fun of listening to music, dancing, singing, and appreciating art. the "excavator song" featured in an episode of blippi about construction vehicles opens with what sounds like a default garageband loop and the flatly sung lyrics, "i'm an excavator/i'm an excavator/hey dirt, see you later/i'm an excavator." i don't feel i have to meticulously analyze the aforementioned lyrics; the stark contrast should speak for itself.

i have a million more criticisms about both blippi specifically and youtube children's content as a whole, but this is already so long and i doubt many people will get this far anyway. it's an issue i was completely apathetic towards until i had my own child and had to wean him off these kinds of junk food shows because i realized the fast-paced visuals and bright colors and repetitive songs/lyrics were putting him in this spaced-out, fugue state, and he thought he could demand this show or that show whenever he wanted. the moment he started regularly yelling things like, "watch! cars!" or "no! click it!" i knew i had to be a lot more invested in the things he watched even if just for entertainment or as a soothing message. i showed him an episode of mr. rogers yesterday and feared it would be too slow to hold his attention, but he was mesmerized, greeting and interacting with mr. rogers verbally, asking me, "what's that?" to different objects on the screen. since purging this low-brow children's entertainment, he has had a noticeable increase in attention span and concentration, can focus on a task for longer amounts of times, is more likely to "read"/look through books without me initiating it, and doesn't throw a fit when the tv/my laptop is off.

i just know that for me, growing up with so much unsupervised internet access definitely led me to real-world pain and consequences, and it seems like now children are born with an iphone as an extension of their arm. if my child is going to be consuming videos, i'm definitely supervising every second and am going to be highly critical of the videos and the credentials (or lack thereof) of the creators and team behind it. but i also know, from pure observation admittedly, that parents letting youtube kids autoplay parent their children for hours at a time is not an uncommon occurrence. and it worries me that a generation of children are being raised on videos that rely on being as loud and bright and superficially enjoyable as possible. what's the use of a child knowing their colors and alphabet if they don't know how to treat people with kindness and empathy and respect? there is something wrong for a children's show host to plug the spelling of his name at the end of his videos ("well, that's the end of this video. but if you wanna watch more of my videos, just type in my name! can you spell my name with me? b-l-i-p-p-i!") after essentially rotting his audiences' brains for a half hour. there's something so insidious about the prioritization of naming different parts of construction vehicles over honest depictions of and conversations about dealing with feelings, or why someone with autism may act differently than you, or what to do when you feel lonely, or ways to make art and express yrself creatively. also, not to mention the blatant police propaganda and outright worship is seriously jarring; as a black mother to a visibly non-white child, i cannot sit there and watch blippi show kids how to be a bootlicker for the shittiest profession on earth, but that could be a whole essay in and of itself.

anyway, thanks for reading, if yr looking for quality children's content, i recommend, in no specific order: mr. rogers, sesame street, the electric company, molly of denali, daniel tiger, bluey!, blue's clues, the odd squad, word party, trash truck, puffin rock, uhh... that's definitely not an extensive list but that's just off the dome!!! ok bye y'all <333

[lebrookestore]

Thank You and Presents?

Welcome to this semi-chaotic, passive aggressive post. I spent a good hour on this, so you mfs better read.

I've decided to combine these two posts, considering they go hand in hand, so bear with me.

I've been here for a month, and I've made so many new friends, read some amazing fics, and actually made friends with some of my writing inspirations themselves, which I cant even begin to comprehend so I won't try.

I've released four fics, two were shorter, but the ones I'm really proud of- Little Princess and Poison and Petals-i still can't believe I sat my ass down and started writing. This year has been a shit one, but never would I have thought I would start writing fanfiction. Let alone the long ass fics I write please.

So hitting 100 followers is even more of a foreign concept, but thank you so much! I'm bewildered that people actually ready my shit and the fact some want to be tagged in stuff, and the fact it's only been a month? What is reality-

And some of y'all see my shit posts and deal with me- to that I say God bless you and your patience. You have to be some sort of heavenly being amen.

Honestly, some of y'all actually helped me through a lot of shit, and some even encouraged me with my first fic, which was the start of these shenanigans( whether this was a good idea or not, we shall never know)

Basically, thank you so much, it means a lot to me, it really makes my day when I see w new follow, or a reblog, or someone liking my shit posts about simping (I am sorry my dude) .

Now, since the year is ending, thank god, I've decided to give my moots presents, since I've seen a lot of people do this (originality went ✨yeet✨) and it's also like a thank you and appreciation message of sorts. Also because I'm nice.

Let the chaos begin:

@alicanta77 my first moot, and literally one of my biggest inspirations fir writing, she was with me when I was writing Poison and Petals, and encouraged me with everytime I hit a roadblock, or was feeling tired with it. She's such a talented writer, and her series are very well thought out. They deserve so much more love, because the effort, the plot, everything is immaculate, and felix, babe, I love you to death.

@danishmiilk my second moot on this hellhole and I hate you but I love you so I guess pemdas cancels that out. She is an amazing writer, her fics too deserve more attention. I honestly don't know what I would do without this bitch, we run the culture cafe together, and I'm such a dumbass at coding, but she does it(even if she does forget to add the https, but we won't talk about that okay) and she matches my chaotic energy perfectly. She's definitely not annoying (I wrote that with a straight face my dude, be proud), and I would do anything for her so yeah ily bye

@astroboy-lele furOU THE 40 YEAR OLD MAN ON FACEBOOK- I'm sorry, not really, oh well. Another underrated writer, her fics are really good too, and she was the one who encouraged me to start the net, and gave me the idea of a dark cafe aesthetic. She helped me with a lot of shit there too, and is a really good listener.

@orange-nimon-cross I scared as fuck of yunha, but I also love her. Shes honest and blunt af and I love that about her. She always gives me honest, actually helpful feedback a d if probably the first person I'd go to for said feedback. She deserves way more credit for her writing, its amazing, and her poetry? They're beautiful and deep and ineish I could write like that.

@rouiyan MISS REE ANOTHER WRITING INSPO AND A GREAT FRIEND honestly I met her and we just vibed tbh. She too helped me with my first fic by encouraging me, and I love her to death too. Very happy ahes back from hiatus, all my fists of love for you babe!

@yvezs mila I have no fucking clue what your posts mean half the time, but I love you anyways okay, you already know so I'm not gonna bother writing a long ass para, I'll annoy you later

@heartyyjeno ALESHA! honestly, she's so sweet, and her asks literally brighten up my day. Her writing is also amazing and just ugh, I love you and get very happy everytime I see you.

@moonbeamsung HANNAH BBY YOU'RE SO CUTE I LOVE YOU SO MUCH OMG you're the sweetest bean ever and your writing is the bomb.com. I hope we can get closer, because you never fail to make me feel better, or brighten up my day with a message or an ask.

@radiorenjun angie my fellow simp and hard stan letS GO- I know she's not always online, but she's always there when I need to simp, or when I need help with important descisions (what pic I should chose fir my lockcreen, for example) she's always there to simp for ten with me and our convos are questionable (she's seen my dark dark gallery man. If that's not friendship idk what it) . If you do want to summon her though, I suggest typing renjun or ten in a message, all caps.

@channoticedmeuwu kai. *heavy sigh* this bitch is honestly one of the best people, like she deals with ny shit posts, replIES TO THEM and even deals with my excessive simping like damn what angel are you (the fallen one, jK-) she also likes simping with me, even called for help once(it failed, but it's the thought that counts. She even tried helping me when my laptop fucked me over, which, surprise, it still is, but we barely even knew each other at the time?? How amazing is that?? But bitch stay the fuck away from taeyong thanks hyuck is the waiting.

@loonacitys I MET YOU TWO DAYS AGO BUT I ALREADY LOVE YOU WE LIVE I'M THE SAME DAMN CITY BYE OMG and she matches my crack head humour *cough* tHe gRoUp *cough* so yes another amazing hooman bean.

@sweetlyjaem she SIMPED WITH ME AMEN-

@ppangjae literally one of my biggest inspos for writing, I read seven letters and was inspired to pick up little princess again after it was sitting dying in a dark corner of google Docs for three days. Alex is so sweet, she didn't mind my chaotic awkward ass, and dealt with the long ass asks and the dozen of messages I sent her.

@kdongyoung ro is so sweet and chaotic I love it. Her edits are *chefs kiss* and she made my beautiful header which I will flex everytime I get the chance. We've not talked that much, but I still love you okay.

Moots I wanna know better-@jungwooisms @du0tine @moonttaeil @fruityutas @ooyoungs

I LOVE YOU ALL AND THANK YOU BYE

[weirdo-with-a-nametag]

Brain is tv static with random frames interspersed

Think I'm like. Really stressed and jumping between topics to try and find something that helps / feels good

Topics:

Anyone know a good health tracking app for adhd people? I want one that like pops up when you open your phone, maybe? But is unobtrusive. Like maybe you just rate your mood or whatever when you open your phone, and it closes, and you go about your business. I just hate every app and paper method I've tried but really want to track some stuff

Pigeon. ? Pigeon as pet?

Service animals re: cats, pigeons, my cat specifically, and then also ESAs and also what to use as treats while training my cat (he's pretty happy to learn behaviors with praise and pets as reinforcement, but treats would make everything move much faster, but I haven't found something I want to give him so we've just been y'know. Chillin)

Service animals re: what tasks can my pet potentially do that would help me? I don't really know a lot about service animals and there is a Huge range. If anyone has suggestions, or places to read about it, I'd appreciate it! Mostly thinking they may help with anxiety, sensory, and mobility/fatigue related stuff. Not much of a need for medical alerts.

Bioactive enclosures for my snakes, need to research their biomes and make progress on designs and equipment specifications

Also. Hit a seriously hard patch and haven't been handling them much at all this month so that's not great

Casting stuff. Saw jewelry today made of metal casts of claws, skulls, etc, and they were really well done and made me want to do that

Some taxidermy / vulture culture stuff I won't get into right now

Puzzles????

How to organize my room

Need a shower

Need to organize bathroom

So Much Schoolwork

Uhhhhh trying, but not making much headway, to figure out how I want to do my music collection. Also really need to clean my records..

Make?

Food??? Ew.

Dental hygiene ://

Plampts. So many. Houseplants need maintenance, many need repotting. Keep taking in people's problem plants and like, they're doing better, largely, after being trimmed and watered and whatnot, but need repotting. Also need to trim some aquarium plants.

Also need to put water in tanks. And spray nepenthes.

Laundry.

Gotta pick up trash in my room. There's so much. Everywhere. Why.

Schoolwork. I'm so behind. So, so stuck. Kind of feel like I'm dying.

Going on a picnic tomorrow. Have to figure out what still needs doing for that, probably need to go to the store.

Leo needs water. I'm so....ugh, I'm trying so hard, but it feels impossible. I do my best to take good care of my pets, and I think they live pretty good lives most of the time, but sometimes I get like This and completely drop off the face of the earth and then like, wake up or whatever and two weeks have passed by and I have not cleaned a water bowl! That's a serious problem!!!! I do not know how to combat that, really, besides more reminders. Having someone around who is willing to like, help, when things are especially hard, would be great, but I don't live with my partner right now and do not feel like I can ask anyone here for that. But I can't put my animals at risk. I check on them every day, and if their bowls are dirty I do take them out and clean them, but sometimes (like now) i cannot get myself to do it without a pressure like a dirty bowl, or a feeding day. And like, it's really important that they have clean water. I'm talking to myself here but like, if anyone has advice. Please. With the tank redesigns and upgrades, the bowls will be more accessible, which will help because one of them is very heavy at the angle I have to pick it up, and another requires moving a lot of branches and is best to take out while the snake is out (this is Leo) which is fine because I love my boy, but adds time to the process, and makes it harder to start, you know? Maybe if I just got more bowls - I could take the bowl out and immediately replace it, fill the new one, and replace the decor and snake, and then clean the bowl as a separate task? That would be easier for my brain. Currently I have a Specific bowl I prefer to use for each tank, and then everything else is Just In Case, but I mean. Acquiring extras is something I want to do anyway, and it may help with several problems, so. Yeah. I'll try that. But also, any other ideas, guys?

Anxiety: can't stop picking at my face, skin, nails, cuticles, scalp, pretty much everywhere with callouses, also scratched a mole off my face, which is something I've been trying Not to do for a while, so that's...not great. Can't find my earmuffs, and also all of my headphones are painful? Ears are really sensitive lately.

Been playing a lot of Moth Game (flutter: starlight if you wanna be friends say hey I don't know how to do it but would enjoy talking about moths if nothing else. The game is just like, an idle ish collecting game with cutesy versions of different species, and very little actual information, but it's still fun, and if anyone else is on there and also Into Moths like I am, hiiiii) and like it's fun and cute but also greatly impacting my productivity, and raises my stress levels during events, which is most days, so the game has. Not been helping. But I can't stop because then I'll miss Exclusive Moths.

Anyway. Had baklava and two mugs of Thai tea today and the sugar has made me nauseous.

Trying to journal. Hurts to write. Also takes too long. Also my handwriting is very bad. But typing is..not as good

Want to draw. Thinking about drawing cats

Plants again! Want to make seed bombs, have seeds, have most of the other ingredients, just need to put em together, basically.

Really sad :(

Or am I?

Weird noise coming from dining room?

Birds. Spent half an hour at least on the deck tonight listening to a hundred different bird calls (literally) to identify one I was hearing, it was a pine siskin, which I checked early on but the recording was bad and I didn't realize which call was identified. Anyway, cool to put a name to a face, so to speak.

Need to practice for ASL

So much.....to do...

Only had like >3 hours of work this week which was not great because money, but also like I'm really feeling those 3 hours....

My cat is basically refusing to come into my room? Which is very strange and I'm worried something is Off but cannot figure out what. Also means less cuddles which means I'm sad.

It feels strange whenever people follow me, the attention is nice but I have no idea what content y'all are here for. So to everyone: hi, enjoy, hope my random personal posts aren't a surprise to anyone who followed for like. News reblogs and informational stuff.

Do I even have it in me to..be successful in school? Should I drop out of college? I'm struggling really hard and do not feel like I'm building on the skills I need to continue, so like. Uh.

My dad is being. Abrasive.

Mom and grandma are very angry lately

Housemate is also angry, about things i thought we were on good terms about, so I am stressed because like,, are we okay?

Can't find my eye mask :(

Yoga? Like...restorative yoga? Need to track down my PT stuff. And. Do it.

Need to put the stickers on my license plates....oops...

Still haven't found my antidepressants! Yay!

Do I want to store my stuff in open bins, or with lids? Which stuff needs spill protection and stacking capability and which stuff needs easy access?

How to earn money without..chaos

Gotta go to the pet store tomorrow. Have to compile my list of pet store items i need. Uhhhhhhhhhh

Also I have an essay due tomorrow that I've barely started. So. Wooooooo

Kt tape for supporting arches / inner ankles? I keep messing up my ankles, and part of it is walking wrong because I don't have the energy to engage the muscles in my feet/legs right to like, avoid injury, and part of it is I just need new shoes inserts. But i wear slippers a lot and they do not have arch support and it hurts. PT to help with this also but Where Is It

Family can't seem to get dish soap I can use, so I've just been having to avoid washing anything by hand, or being in the general kitchen area while anyone uses the stuff, which has led to more of my dishes sitting out, and more conflict over dishes. Lovely.

How hard is it for parents to learn they have to respect boundaries? Very hard, apparently. And you're supposed to just sort of remind people, and explain, over and over and over but like at this point my self worth is actually pretty good and the lifetime of proof that they do not want to listen? That's making me want to stop trying. Like, if you're not going to respect my boundaries I'm just not going to involve you in my life. I'm not talking to my dad right now because of this. Maybe I'll decide to lay things out to him, again and again and again again, maybe not. And I'm comfortable saying that's on him.

How to drink water

Am I dehydrated or are my hands just completely callous now. My fingertips have such hard skin. Why? It's uncomfortable. This is part of why I've been biting them.

Also testosterone. Been having a lot of trouble doing my shots, because anxiety and physical freakouts, but also not feeling super urgent about it. Which I'm realizing may be a sign i need to look at the effects so far and the possible effects of continuing, and see what they make me feel. It's possible I'm where I want to be as far as T, and don't really want to stay on it. A big thing for me is a deeper voice, so it seems time to take a look at whether I like my voice where it is or want to see if it'll drop any more. Etc etc

Miss my lil sisters

Saw a lot of cool rocks today. Huge (like hand sized) ammonite for $28. May go back and buy one because. Wow.

Want to plant food plants

Also my natives. Whole garden plot standing empty with a bunch of stuff waiting in nursery pots, needing to go in the ground. Because I can't get out of bed. Love that. Stuff is dying out there, I'm dying in here, there's a poetry to it and I do not want to romanticize suffering so I will say this: I brought a Bucket full of moss home a month ago and planted it and now go outside sometimes to drench my moss and it is very rewarding because the stuff is just so green. Incredible. When the rest of my plants are finally in the ground, that feeling will only intensify. But, for now, the moss is very nice.

Made a glow in the dark bead lizard from memory during therapy yesterday, and I love him. Also, still struggling with bringing up autism and psychosis topics with my therapist. Still very worried about. Things. Would like to get a new person? But sometimes she is helpful? And we have a routine. It's very hard to break the routine. Maybe I can set some time aside during the summer, to figure out what to do there.

Term ends in a couple weeks. The task of catching up, of passing, seems impossible. I really need to pass my courses. I'm on academic warning, because my GPA is lower than it should be, and if I can pass all of my classes this term I can get off academic warning but otherwise I'm not sure what will happen to my financial aid.

My phone is playing the same 50-100 songs on shuffle and I don't even particularly like most of them and it is very strange

Got my face wipes! Hooray, i can wash my face again

Been eating too much sugar in general. It's making my joints hurt more, and the nausea

Pet a dog the other day. I miss that. It would be really nice to have a dog in the house again. The exuberance, the cuddles, the tail wagging, the walks... I'd really like that. Maybe once I'm out in my room, tanks and catio built and everyone is situated, I'll look into getting a dog instead of a cat next. Was planning on holding off in case I'm not physically able to take them out on walks and such, but I've been pretty successful at doing this job, and I think that my main hurdle for walking really is motivation. Dog walking is a strong motivator for me. Best to start by fostering, or just do Wag, for a while though. I'm feeling overwhelmed with my current responsibilities, and here I am talking about getting a dog. Good job, me

How do you get wax off of somewhat water soluble rocks? My housemate broke my lava lamp on some of my rock collection and I am not sure how to get some of them clean without damage.

I am...pretty sure there are collared doves nesting over my room but it seems they're less common around here than I thought? But they are..pretty distinctive. Like if I'm wrong, what are those birds. Some very distinctly colored feral pigeons? Who are nesting here, in a tree, without their flock, and who happen to have pretty much the exact same pattern?

Probably should go to the dollar store and get some bins for organizing

Been wanting to keep a bin by the door and stock it with stim/fidget stuff people can just .have ..like extras of some of my favorites and other things i can get ahold of, to offer to my friends who haven't really had the chance to explore the world of stim toys

Hands are really just not doing great the last several weeks. Arthritis type pain cropping up more and more in all the little joints, making it hurt more to write, type, or just use them for whatever. Coordination isn't great because of that distraction, and because my hands/arms are slow to respond and kinda weak. Most people would say I'm not using them enough but I've been doing 15ish hours of manual labor per week, so maybe it's the other direction? More water would help. If only it wasn't so heavy.

I haven't taken a single shower since I started my job. Which was March 29th. That's not great.

Practiced parallel parking today. 10/10 still very bad at it.

Having anxiety that my friends think I'm lying about things, faking, and are watching me to see if I'll slip up. So that sucks. Can either talk about that directly or indirectly, or just shut up about those things until I can get my brain under control again. I'm not sure right now if the reassurance would work as a reality check or make me believe it more, right now, so might hold off on the talking bit for a little while.

Saw, smelled, picked a couple pretty roses. Good times

At this point I'm just trying to list all my thoughts so that maybe I'll be able to sleep and not worry I'll forget

My mom has put her spider plant on the deck, and it has maybe five living leaves. I have no idea how she killed such a well established spider plant, the last time I saw it it was so happy. Did she stick it in a corner and forget to water it? Whatever happened, it is now in the Plant ER, so hopefully I'll be able to...help get it on the up and up again

Leo is such a pretty noodle. He's so pretty. He's posing. Hi, baby boy.

Oh, he saw me moving around and decided to come say hi. Sorry little man, i did not mean to disturb you. Please resume lounging. I can't bring you out right now, I'm trying to sleep.

Also, terrariums. Water features. Need to ask. Someone. The one who was making that super cool garter snake enclosure and blogging the progress? With the lazy river and pool? About maintenance on that kind of setup. My milk snake really enjoys water, and I'd love to put a water feature in his tank. But I'm unclear on how to keep it clean, or honestly where to start. Don't want any huge falls or anything, though it actually may not make the humidity too high if I did maybe a small drip wall into the pool? That seems like something he would enjoy, and a good way to support different types of plants. But like, that's the thing, it's bioactive and I haven't done that before and no amount of research is ever enough.

Oh, Shogun has a dirt hat. How cute. I love when they do that

See, this is the thing. My snakes make me so happy. All three of them are actually hanging out where I can see them from my bed right now, and it's really nice. I want their lives to be the best possible, and I think I have the resources to do that. Which is so exciting. Now if only my brain and body would cooperate. It would hurt quite a lot to have to re-home any of them, but the most important thing is their health and quality of life, you know? If I can't get my act together somewhat, it may be that one or all of them would be better off with another keeper. I don't know. It's just, i talk about all these tank ideas and all this husbandry standards stuff but how much of it actually gets applied to my own animals whose lives are in my hands? How well am I caring for them, really?

Oh!!! My red thread! I thought that was gone forever.

Anyway, please do not worry. My snakes are healthy. I pay attention, and watch for signs of illness, and they're okay. There will always be places to improve, and the water is a big one, but most of the time i change their water out frequently, I'm just worried because of bad depression and fatigue times, you know? I'm working on making the most self sustaining systems i can, in part so that I am sure they'll be okay if I mess up sometimes. Just saying this because I hope you guys don't feel like you need to worry about the welfare of my pets. They're okay, i just always want better for them, is all.

Anyway, the sun is coming up and I should probably go to sleep. So uh, thanks for reading, if you read all of this randomness, and if anyone has thoughts or advice on anything in this post, i would welcome it! Good night!

[basilrazzledazzle]

dating the haikyuu boys, pt 2

y'all REALLY liked that last one omg so here's a few more.

(a/n: i have written kageyama's part three times and oikawa's twice why can't this stupid app SAVE MY DRAFTS)

anyway this one is dedicated my one and only follower you're a real one homie 😌

Kageyama Tobio

he was the one to ask you out

tbh he had probably been pining for a hot minute before he finally got himself together

you had been helping him in class during free time because ya boy isn't the smartest and needed someone to help him study

and one day he was watching you explain a concept and he couldn't help but notice wow uh,,, y/n is really cute,, wait what??

anyway there's a big test coming up and our boy kags is stressing

so you volunteer to help him after school

but he has practice

so you both decide that you'd go to his house after practice

so you meet him at the school and you guys walk together

and you hadn't really talked about your personal lives

but he told you about how much volleyball and his friends meant to him

which was kinda wild because you had always thought of him as cute but intimidating

so anyway you stayed over for a little over an hour but it was getting late

and as you're getting ready to leave he volunteers to walk you home

you oblige because it's getting late plus you don't mind the thought of being together in the dark

and turns out he's just an absolute dork because he's cracking jokes the whole way home

and before you go inside he gets kinda flustered

"hey y/n?"

"mhm?"

"would you uh,, wanna hang out this friday?"

"but we don't have any tests or anything monday??"

just bc you're tutoring him doesn't mean you're not a dumbass

"no like a,, uh like a date"

o h

you agree ofc because who in their right mind would turn him down

i really think he would do something like taking you to an aquarium

mostly because he likes to watch you get excited over all the colorful fish

i've decided that kageyama doesn't know what to do with pda

because ya boy definitely gets flustered easily

however

he could never get upset with your affection

so you guys talked a lot during school but i feel like the most pda that would happen would be like hand holding

anyway after a couple weeks of dating you're walking to his house with him

and you mention that you're kinda chilly and wish you had brought your sweater

this boy has his jacket off in an instant

and also insists you wear it when he walks you to your house after "studying"

and you're wearing it at lunch the next day

and hinata asks kags why you have it

and since our favorite tangerine cannot keep his mouth shut, half the school knows by the end of the week

Oikawa Tooru

he asked you

he knew he had almost all of the school wrapped around his finger

except you were always one to call him out on his bullshit

and he found that hot

anyway he was kind of low-key flustered when he was asking you out

the two of you were both the captains of your volleyball teams

so you had that in common

and his excuse to talk to you was for you to teach him how to gain the respect of his teammates

you said he couldn't get anyone's respect if he continued to act as arrogant as he did

which kinda threw him off

but he asked you out anysay

you. laughed.

"are you serious?"

"why wouldn't i be serious??"

you agreed to ONE date

but it turned into several

anyway

this boy LIVES to show you off

would literally swoop by your locker in between classes just to give you a kiss

low-key clingy asf

one day you mysteriously found his volleyball jacket in your locker

you could take a hint

he saw you wearing it after school and OH BOY

he was whipped

you probably could've gotten away with murder if you had been wearing his jacket, he thought

lots of movie dates at his house

and even though he liked to talk a lot he was surprisingly a good listener

mostly because he thought it was hot seeing you angry as you wanted over the latest bullshit

it took him a bit to open up to you tbh

but he became very vulnerable about how he was scared to let down his team

on another note

he knew he could get anything he wanted when he was wearing his glasses

god he's such an asshole

but so attractive

Daichi Sawamura

he asked you out but also technically didn't

but boy was FLUSTERED

like he was so nervous

even though you guys had a pretty good relationship already and had amazing chemistry

you guys had been friends for a while

and you were hanging out at the library

supposedly studying but in reality most of the time had been spent joking around and goofing off

he was really trying his best to stay on task but you kept finding memes that you just had to show him

so you leaned over close to him with your phone in hand

and your boy just went for it

he pulled away almost immediately though

"y/n i am so sorry i shouldn't have done that-"

you kissed again him just to shut him up

which he was completely okay with

but then you realized you were in a library

where making out was generally frowned up

it took a minute before you officially became a couple though

tbh you were probably wearing his jacket before you were official

and when you were wearing his jacket??

oh boy

you could have gotten your way with anything

he was so whipped and seeing you in his clothes just had him wrapped around your finger

dates with him were probably pretty casual tbh

lots of cuddling at each other's houses while watching netflix

arguments only happen because you don't like him overworking himself

even then it's not a full blown argument

he'll just keep doing what he's doing (homework, volleyball shit, etc) and give you some bs excuse about him having to hold himself to high standards

other than that he's extremely agreeable and willing to compromise with anything

ugh i just love him sm

Hinata Shoyo

you asked him

you had most of your classes together and found his cheerfulness infectious

and one day you were in the courtyard setting a volleyball against the wall and you heard him come up behind you

"hey y/n!! will you set to me?"

after that you guys had an immediate friendship

plus you lived near each other, so when he didn't have practice, you guys walked together most of the way home

he was very energetic and practically bouncing the whole way home

so one day you decided to just go for it

"hey shoyo, are you busy this friday?"

he wasn't

"do you wanna,, i dunno, hang out?"

"what, do you wanna practice?"

ugh he's so oblivious what a dummy

"no, like a date"

boy turned RED he didn't know what to do

"uh, y-yeah! sure!"

idk i feel like going to a park with him would be cute

y'all would get some sort of fast food to take with you and just hang out on the swings and talk

it was chill but also allowed him to move around a lot because you already know this boy cannot sit still

anyway you were walking back that night and he noticed you shiver

bc it was kinda chilly

and he's like "hey y/n are you cold?"

and you assure him you're fine

but he insists you take his jacket anyway

because wow a gentleman

and surprisingly it's tsukishima who notices you with it on monday because you had first period with him

"hey what're you doing wearing shorty's jacket, y/n?"

"y/n's and i are dating, thank you very much! they can wear my jacket as they please."

tsukki couldn't believe it

neither could anyone else tbh

but you were both happy and that's all that mattered :))

ahh anyway that's what i have for them. i hope u enjoy these!! i really have fun writing them but they take forever omg

feel free to request a one shot / imagine or something like this!! i need something to fill my time lmao

anyway thank u for reading!! please like n reblog (if u wanna, ofc) ily all!!

[snowwritesall]

Writing update #2 Anathema + new WIP!

Hi folks, hope y'all have been doing well and staying healthy - I've had a pretty trying week and my financial situation is gonna be tight at best for the next few months but I'm still trying to maintain a positive outlook. With that being said, I'm gonna give you guys some updates and excerpts on my current WIP, Anathema, and a new novel that I started the other day (yes I'm well aware I have way too many wips but I'm dumb and listen to no one's advice :)

Anyway, that being said, onto the updates!

Anathema is my surreal sci fi novel that I came up with last year and has spent many months under development. A brief summary on the novel for you!

The tea on my novel: 

I absolutely love the concept of my novel - keeping in mind that there is a lot of the plot hidden because I don’t want to spoil the entire book - however, there are a lot of things that need work. Seraph - my main character - still feels a little flimsy and underdeveloped - as well as my side characters, who have had limited interactions with Seraph throughout the novel as far - mainly due to the reason that I’ve been focusing on narrative rather than characters. The next thing that I’m finding is a problem is that there’s barely any dialogue between what character interaction I do have. I’ve been focusing a lot on the vibe and feeling of my book - I really want to create an eerie, almost alien feel, without being fully horroresque - think Coraline x Limbo. 

The things that I do like about my novel: 

- I really love the literary devices that I’ve come up with to help give the story that eerie vibe I want. 

a) Really weird rhetorical questions

b) interjections of two unknown characters that comment on Seraph and his friends when they’re together

c) POV of animals and inanimate objects 

Here are some examples of both: 

a)  Really weird rhetorical questions

The wind seems strangely muted to Seraph, as if moving through a half-awake dream, or sinking in murky water that chills the bones.

Why does the water hurt? This is only one of the questions hurtling through his mind, but there are many more barrelling inside his head; a turbulent chamber of thoughts and unspoken quandaries that crescendo in the night hour. He is curious. And that - that, is what will save him.  

ai)

The beetles crawl up the blackened bark, wings glistening from between the cracks. They make soft, chittering noises as they climb aimlessly up the branch. Their path is strangely linear, their wings a malachite soaked fluorescent in the bitter, fuse sharp breeze. If they were to travel down the length of Seraph's spine; their strange, crackled wings fluttering against his ashen, ghostly skin; they would calm him as they walked up the shallow curve of his spine and nestled in his hair, a dim saucer of moonlight that they would bathe in.

Is the moon ever lonely?

b)   Interjections of two unknown characters that comment on Seraph and his friends when they’re together

“What was it like?”

His voice shakes as he asks, still staring at his hands. Wilbur is teething his lip, his jaw hardening like clay left in the sun.

  “Were there others? Are we the only ones left?”

Are we the only ones left?

They both look scared, don’t they?

     No. Not scared. Doomed.

Why are they doomed?

      Because they were never meant to be here.

Wilbur continues to stare out at the forest, and after a moment takes a few steps forward, shoveling his feet into the soil; the wind rifling through his clothes. He looks like a scarecrow made of marble, distant, ghostly - not real.

  Were any of them real?

c) POV’s of animals 

Seraph had stroked the snake gently, the scales cold and undulating under his fingers, the snake mothers eyes dark and pupils, her nose nudging the wings of the fledglings.

“Don’t eat your babies, mother snake. They love you. Don’t leave them.”

I have found my new children. My own children were buried in a sandstorm, and I milked my venom from my teeth on the carcass of a deer. There was no one to sing them to sleep as they died. I will listen to this strange boy. I will take care of my children.

I will not leave them.

ci) 

The forest is very cold for us. Even we, with our wings like a shield and a fur coat, even we feel the wind. The bark splinters are like earthquakes under our feet, even though there have been no earthquakes for centuries. We remember. We remember when the earth shook and trembled, and when we would seek shelter amongst the splintering trees and scuttle for cover under broken fern leaves. He comes to see us. The boy with curious eyes that glint like the rock in the sky, his hands are as pale as the eggs the birds lay. He brushes his fingers across our coats, and we shiver; with a strange fear and an even stranger contentment. We are not alone.

 He is not alone. 

Here are some excerpts from the novel that I really like: 

- POV of the boy that drowned in the lake. Seraph remembers this when he looks at the jars of butterflies that he keeps on his windowsill. The clear, glossy surface reminds him of how the lake looked when he watched some of the village men pull the boy’s body out of the lake. 

- Seraph is remembering the first time that one of the children stuck their head in the guillotine in the schoolyard. He remembers thinking how odd it was that they would have something so dangerous where children could find it. Maybe they wanted them to use it. 

Seraph is watching his school teacher polish the guillotine blade through the cover of pine trees. One of his friends, Beluah, creeps up behind him and startles him. They both watch the teacher and talk. 

More commentary of Seraph and Beluah watching the teacher together: 

Okay, that’s all on this novel for now, onto the new WIP! 

Basically, this idea arose from two things - I felt like I was constantly writing in the same sort of style - ie, cold rivers, frost, rain, foggy forests - and I was majorly inspired by Fairytales for Wilde Girls by Alysse Near. This woman has an absolutely INCREDIBLE writing style - I would compare it to the bright and shiny treasures that magpies collect, and her plot and characters are amazing; so a big part of why I’m writing this is because of her. 

The characters appeared really easily to me, and after only a few minutes, I already could feel them writhing around alive inside my mind. But, before I tell you about the characters, a summary of the novel for you! 

When three dead girls show up at school with flowers where their eyes should be and birds living in their chests, Ariel isn’t sure what to think. She’s never really been sure what to think, since her mother sells beads and homemade jewelry for a living and her sister is a snake. Well, two snakes, really. Her parents keep strange things in the closet, like elephants with jellyfish swimming in their stomachs and siamese twins with leopard skins in the attic. And then there’s that strange girl that lives in the mirror.

When three dead girls demand to be brought back to life, you start to panic a little when you realise the closest things you’ve made come alive are the ragdolls in your toy chest.

It gets even worse when they tell you you only have a month or they’ll take you back to the underworld with them. Then you really begin to freak out. And begin to have a mental break down in the middle of class which involves involuntary tap dancing (Except the tap dancing is actually crying. Ariel doesn’t own tap dancing shoes. Not even doll tap dancing shoes.)

It doesn’t help when your best friends are literally ragdolls. She actually has a few real friends. I promise.

Now onto my babies/kids/characters! 

Ariel Hakens: 

has a big giant ball of curly red hair that she likes to dye a new colour every week. She likes glitter but also loves black. Big boots and shiny raincoats are a thing. She love to collec. She loves to garden, but her methods are...unorthodox, shall we say. Loves Edgar Allen Poe, and recites it to herself on the way to school. Does she ditch a lot? Maybe. Who knows. Can apparently see the dead and do weird stuff nobody should be able to. Favourite animals are mice and rats. Is fascinated with the legend of the pied piper. Is like a beaver in the fact that she chews pencils. They’re basically like a midnight snack for her. Favourite foods are peanut butter and cherry tarts.

(yes I am fully aware this is Leigh-Anne Pinnock from Little Mix, but this is what she looks like in my head) 

Gwendolyn Spires: 

She is as extra as the name sounds. She dreams of participating in an illegal dance competition in an abandoned subway tunnel. Her mother is the principal of a ballet boarding school, and highly disapproves of her daughter's skateboarding fetish. Her father is completely on board with it, and also her addiction to gumballs and love for all things haunted. Yes, those spell books are completely real. The amount of salt rocks she keeps in her bag would put a shaman to shame. African American. 

Indie Brooks:

 She’s basically a giant nerd, but covered with tattoos. And piercings. She actually needs those glasses, and she refuses to put in contacts for fear that the government will be able to read her mind. She has a conspiracy theory Youtube Channel, but her theories are really??weird??

Think: we are all giant animals living in a zoo for aliens

Does she have evidence: Yes. Is it sketchy evidence? Also yes.

May or may not have broken into area 51.

Native American/Latina.

Callum Prikhill:

pervy, but not in a sexual way. Will he sell you exam answers in exchange for candy? Possibly. Ironically wears caps. Unironically wears light up shoes. Likes sci-fi movies from the early 70’s. Skinny dipped and LOVED it. Is a theater boy. If he were an animal he would be a lizard. His mother is a low-end movie producer and his father is an accountant. Often stays at his nan’s place a lot because she has a hidden bunker under the house and he very much down for that. Because the acoustics are amazing.

The first time Ariel saw the three dead girls sway through the doors of Helkbud Senior Preparatory School, she was whistling Sissyneck while flipping through her collection of rained on vinyls that she’d chanced to pick up from the thrift store, her tanned dewy legs slick with snow and hail as she pushed hot pink cat eye sunglasses up her freckled nose.

They looked like nesting dolls all jumbled up in a lolly bag, corpse candy sucked dry of their colour and watermelon blush that should have twisted their cheeks into marionette smiles.

The girl in the middle wore poppy red heels that spun and shone like a disco ball at a teenage party where the parents were gone for the weekend and everyone was drinking punch mixed with vodka in cheap, crinkly red cups; and was the shortest of the three; yellow daisies and white crocuses growing out of her eye sockets, petals drinking salty tears out of a chipped watering can that dangled over her head.

Hope you enjoyed hearing about my WIPs, and I’ll keep updating about them as I continue to work on them :)

That’s all for now, folks! 

- Bella. 

[sassmill]

answer ALL those questions BIH 1-97 or however many there are

Great panini Michelle... every damn time...1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?Uhhhhhhhh yeah2. You talked to an ex today, correct?Idk I guess technically?3. Have you taken someones virginity?Lmao nope4. Is trust a big issue for you?YEAH WHOO BOY YEAH I have a lot of issues and trust is a huge one5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently?Yes yup I definitely did. She told me I looked pretty and it was the first time I've ever been sure she was flirting with me. 6. What are you excited for?Going back to school holy shit. I've had a countdown going. I move back in at the end of the month. I can't fuckening wait. 7. What happened tonight?I told myself I was going to shower and clean my room but instead I'm sat here watching dan and Phil games videos?8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted?I don't think it's disgusting I just worry for their safety. I'm the mom friend that takes care of the lightweights. 9. Is confidence cute?Hell yeah10. What is the last beverage you had?Brisk iced tea with lemon 11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?I wanna say like three. I don't have an exact count because I've managed to direct my daily life to have very few males and I can only think of three men I regularly interact with. 12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans?Yeah and my fuckin thighs are wearing a HOLE IN THEM which means I need to order a new pair but they're EXPENSIVE and I hate CAPITALISM 13. What are you gonna do Saturday night?That's a good fucking question. I have nothing planned, nothing to do within walking distance, and no license. Probably masturbate in all honesty. 14. What are you going to spend money on next?Well I just spent like $150 on an old navy order today so probably not clothes Oh you know what I need a new bookbag so probably that. IKEA has some good ones. 15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed?The only person I've kissed was for a scene in acting class so no. I had a really elaborate dream the other night where I was kissing my crush but alas also no. 16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months?Oh for sure. 17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?Honestly???? Reese. 18. The last time you felt broken?This is more or less a weekly to daily occurrence but the most intense instance I can recall was Saturday night at my cousin's wedding! Being most likely the only gay person out of a group of 300 people made up of mostly married couples with children was absolutely horrific because as soon as one cousin gets married the aunts start placing bets on who's next and each time I'm closer to the top of the list. Combine that with varied intrusive thoughts and you've got a lovely shitstorm of self loathing!!!19. Have you had sex today?Not ever m'dude20. Are you starting to realize anything?That if I want to be less anxious when shopping for clothing, I need to only shop at places that actually cater to my body type aka I've just accepted that I have a mom body and will always look better in well made and sort of pricey old navy clothes over cheap shitty forever 21 clothes. 21. Are you in a good mood?I'm kind of eh. All I've done today is watch the MSNBC news cycle for hours on end and that was really depressing and anxiety inducing but I've isolated myself in my room for a bit since then and had a nice salami sandwich so I've mellowed. 22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks?Hell yeah. Sharks are nowhere as violent as media portrays them and need to be protected like any other species. Also I went to the aquarium yesterday. 23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s?Yes between my parents I got pretty much all of my father's genetics and it's really funny. 24. What do you want right this second?Someone to cuddle with because I realized when I was staying at a hotel that I literally can't sleep unless I'm holding something and every single night my body pillow is a little bit more pathetic. 25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy?Fuckin jokes on you she's married 26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color?Technically no. I mean I am a natural blonde but currently I am several shades blonder because my natural shade is on the darker end of the blonde spectrum and I'm so pale that I need to lighten and warm it up from time to time so I don't look like a less stylish Addams child. 27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?That's a hard fuckin pass m828. What was the last thing that made you laugh?I answered this before but I've laughed again since then soS A N D R A29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now?Yes. 30. Does everyone deserve a second chance?Yes, as long as they are actually willing to modify their behavior/habits/what have you. Life is a learning curve. I believe in third chances too, under the same conditions. At some point, however, you have to acknowledge that some people just will not change and it isn't worth the energy you're investing to try and force it. Then it's time to cut bitches off lmao. 31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to?My brother is walking a fine line right now. He's a shit head but I don't hate him. 32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do?I think so. 33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda?Cherry Pepsi flows through my veins. 34. Listening to?I've honestly been listening to the original London cast recording of The Witches of Eastwick the musical on repeat for like a week? That and the original cast recording of Sunset Boulevard. Which reminds me, I downloaded Dangerous Liaisons...35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore?Yeah... do people like... stop writing in pencil at some point? Y'all hate erasers????36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is?Probably somewhere in Pennsylvania where I left her. 37. Do you believe in love at first sight?Maybe chemistry at first sight? I think you have to know a person before you can love them. Chemistry doesn't have to be romantic either, I think it's just a significant reaction. I'm a fan of hate to lover arcs in fiction. Cough cough swan queen. 38. Who did you last call?Probably my brother to tell him to preheat the oven. 39. Who was the last person you danced with?My aunt when she was trying to convince me not to leave the wedding reception even though I was dead on my feet and dissociating so hard I felt like I wasn't in my body40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed?Because that's how Phyllis Nagy wrote the script. 41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake?The wedding reception. It didn't have frosting because my brother brought me a fucking cupcake without frosting. 42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today?No43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush?Countless times! I'm strong but clumsy so when she asks me to move things for her it's like a 50/50 chance I'll drop it. She never makes fun of me though. 44. Do you tan in the nude?I don't tan period because I am pasty and extremely at risk for skin cancer *finger guns*45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss?If by take back you mean literally take it back by purchasing the full play to read it 46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?I usually do47. Who was the last person to call you?Idk probably my dad to tell me to preheat the oven. 48. Do you sing in the shower?Am I even showering if I'm not singing49. Do you dance in the car?I'm generally pretty cramped in most cars so no50. Ever used a bow and arrow?Yes! I'm a pretty decent archer. 51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?Probably my headshots that I got when I was doing my dance photo shoot senior year. 52. Do you think musicals are cheesy?I'm a theatre major what fucking kind of question is this. In this house we respect triple threats. And have a healthy fear of the wrath of patti lupone 53. Is Christmas stressful?Half my family is EXTREMELY Roman Catholic and a quarter is Jewish so if it's not stressful it's definitely complicated 54. Ever eat a pierogi?Fuck yes holy shit we had a cooking unit at camp and they'd make staff lunch and they made pierogies from scratch like dough potatoes and all and I swear I nutted. 55. Favorite type of fruit pie?Lemon meringue. Oh fuck elies mom made such good pie last year. 56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?Forensic examiner! I wanted to do autopsies! Like deadass I wanted to be Doctor Jan Garavaglia from the discovery channel. Also retrospectively definitely had a crush on her. That was when I was in like elementary school though. In middle school I wanted nothing more than to be an Imagineer and design attractions for Disney. 57. Do you believe in ghosts?I'm from New England. Next question. 58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?Yeah holy shit I see stuff from my dreams a lot. 59. Take a vitamin daily?These strawberry flavored fuckers for hair skin and nails they're so good!60. Wear slippers?Not so much at home but at school I practically live in them because our dorm is always disgusting 61. Wear a bath robe?Yes I have a super fluffy long one62. What do you wear to bed?Ideally nothing but I have to wear clothes because my room gets too hot to sleep with the door shut so normally a t shirt and underwear and then I keep shorts or sweatpants by my bed so I can put them on quickly if I have to leave my room. Plus I have a roommate at school so no naked napping there either. 63. First concert?Probably one of the free concerts Eight to the Bar used to do in my mom's hometown64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?Target I'm a loyal Pinterest mom65. Nike or Adidas?Neither. Whatever is on clearance at Kohls. 66. Cheetos Or Fritos?Cheetos. I'm not a fucking heathen. 67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?No. Cashews. 68. Favorite Taylor Swift song?LOVE STORY (The og country version) IS THE REALEST BOP IVE EVER HEARD69. Ever take dance lessons?Hahaha only 16 years of them70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?Something creative. Strongly probably theatre related. 71. Can you curl your tongue?Yeah72. Ever won a spelling bee?No but I performed a song from The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy?Short answer yes. Long answer: please see my post on Tired Thesbian about Indecent directed by Rebecca Taichman and written by Paula Vogel 74. What is your favorite book?To the Lighthouse by Virginia Woolf75. Do you study better with or without music?With, but it has to be instrumental. I really like film scores; Cracks, The Hours, and the Mildred Pierce miniseries are my favorites. Honorable mention for Carol. 76. Regularly burn incense?Not allowed to. 77. Ever been in love?Yes. 78. Who would you like to see in concert?Fleetwood Mac/Stevie, Celtic Woman, Dolly Parton, Florence + The Machine. That's the non showtune half of my music taste. Isn't it an unsettling combination. 79. What was the last concert you saw?I don't really go to music concerts but I went to the so you think you can dance tour a couple years ago. 80. Hot tea or cold tea?Porque no los dos 81. Tea or coffee?Porque no los dos 82. Favorite type of cookie?I'm a slut for shortbread but that's more of a biscuit soooooo Oreos. 83. Can you swim well?I've never drowned 84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?People can't do that?85. Are you patient?I guess so86. DJ or band, at a wedding?Dj BRUH 87. Ever won a contest?I won a writing contest in eighth grade!88. Ever have plastic surgery?No but I'd love to get some for various reasons. And when it comes down to it, we really shouldn't judge others cosmetic choices be they hair color or plastic surgery. Insert Dolly Parton. 89. Which are better black or green olives?Olives are evil and I was once locked out of my dorm room over this argument90. Opinions on sex before marriage?Holy fuck heterosexual culture is wild isn't it91. Best room for a fireplace?Already answered 92. Do you want to get married?Maybe not married but certainly in a committed long term relationship. To quote Lily Tomlin, I'm not particularly keen on imitating heterosexuals. Holy fuvk that took like a full hour

[theworstbob]

the thing journal, 6.18.2017 - 6.24.2017

the things i watched or listened to last week. in this post: i’ll keep you in mind, from time to time; the bridge; henri; under your spell; the last man on earth; beautiful thugger girls; into the maelstrom; makes me sick; truth is a beautiful thing; blind; the taking of pelham one two three; big fish theory; wolves

1) I'll Keep You in Mind, from Time to Time, by Moose Blood: One day I'll remember to write down what I think about an album when I listen to it on my computer and I literally have WordPad open in another visible window. It was a great time, it's a dope emo album and I'm the sort of person that will listen to emo in 2017 and describe it as "dope," and I apologize we're starting this off with me forgetting how I reacted to something.

2) The Bridge, dir. Eric Steel: a wonderful documentary about the golden gate bridge and the people who use it! you and your family will never look at the full house credits the same way again! This is a difficult film to review because it's a difficult film to watch. There is footage of people jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge, there are interviews with people who either knew someone who jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge or, in one instance, are someone who jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge, the throughline of the film is someone pacing back and forth along the bridge, struggling with the decision, not sure what they want to do. It's a brutal watch. And it has to be, it would have been irresponsible if this film tried to romanticize suicide, if it tried to present the jumpers as heroes flying to freedom. The people being interviewed say the jumpers were trapped in the prisons of their own heads, never quite found stability in this world, but those people are also clearly affected by the choice the jumpers made, are left wondering or, worse, knowing what they could have done better.

3) Henri, dir. Yolande Moreau: gpsh this movie took forever to get where it needed to go, and then when it got there, it didn't really do anything. i dunno, i guess i just never got on its level. i never quite figured out if the dude's relationship with the butterfly was condescending or creepy or if i was meant to think it was adorable that this mess of a man kept hanging out with the poor young woman, i could never tell if the film was sympathetic to its characters or if i was meant to laugh at those pitiful souls (it's a french film, so probably "laugh at" more than “laugh with”), and it didn't seem to take any of its characters problems seriously. i dunno, it just didn't seem like a film that needed to be made, it didn't seem to be saying anything about friendship or society or whatever, it just presented some idiots and said "make of this what you will." maybe i'm missing something, but i don't think i am? (also i signed up for Mubi. this is worth mentioning, that i signed up for a service that will present me with various foreign films and documentaries, so. look out for that, i guess.)

4) Under Your Spell, by The Birthday Massacre: shout outs to everyone who listened to this band because of game grumps There are moments on this album I can only describe as nu-metally; there are instrumental breaks on "Counterpane" that sound directly lifted from mainstream rock radio in 2003, straight-up Chevelle vibes in 2017. What The Birthday Massacre understands, though, is that 2003 has a place in 2017, and that's as color to the 1980s, and they somehow use buttrock to make their Depeche Mode-y song more interesting, feel different than it had on Superstition. The Birthday Massacre know how to make great rock songs, and it's so nice to know music like this is still being made in 2017. (Words used in this review include "nice" and "interesting." I swear I'm trying.)

5) The Last Man on Earth s2, cr. Will Forte: Binging this show may be a mistake, since the main character is so misanthropic and gross and none of the characters are good people. (Except Carol, who is trying her best all the time to just be as darn nice as possible, Kristen Schaal kinda carries this show.) It's not that I'm not impressed by this show, it's a really solid show, I just question whether I'm enjoying it. Or maybe I'm just not paying attention, I dunno, we've been over how bad I am at watching things. I loved the integration of Jason Sudeikis into the group and thought he and Will Forte played well as a successful younger brother and fuck-up older brother, like the perfect use of Jason Sudeikis is as a handsome and charming foil to a Will Forte type, and I liked Todd's slow evolution into a legit jerk, it's good! I like it! I shouldn't be consuming this in one gulp.

6) Beautiful Thugger Girls, by Young Thug: The Young Thug brand of trap is my preferred brand, for two reasons. One, Young Thug has an insane voice, and I don't mean that his songs are written from the vantage point of a crazy person, I mean that Young Thug makes these fucking mouthnoises that I was unaware a human could make. Every Young Thug song is an exploration of what his vocal chords can create. Two, Young Thug doesn't just make trap. There's a strong sense of artistic identity on his records, and that lets him play around in other genres, like, there's legit country influence on this record. It's not as towering a work as Jeffery, but few things in this world are; this is Young Thug taking some time to figure out the places he can take himself, and it is a thrill to listen to him explore his abilities.

7) Into the Maelstrom, by Bigelf: There comes a time when you need to set aside ego, forget whatever goals you've set, and admit that something is beyond your ken. I stopped listening to this halfway through. It's a prog album that didn't even have an incredible opener, just an okay one, and the rest I found interminable. I thought we were compatable. Y'know? I usually like prog. I usually like albums that start with a song called "Incredible Time Machine" and follow that up with "Hypersleep." But, like, I dunno, this just wasn't fun to listen to, like, there's no acknowledgement that "Incredible Time Machine" is a silly thing to name a song. My favorite prog bands are aware of how nonsense prog is and embrace it, but this took itself a tad too seriously for my liking. Which isn't to say it wasn't good, just that I didn't want to spend more time in this space, like by the time you get to the third six+-minute-long song of the album, you realize this is time you could've spent listening to "Style" on repeat, or something.

8) Makes Me Sick, by New Found Glory: Yes hello hi welcome to The Thing Journal, where we review French cinema and New Found Glory albums like they're the same thing. For me, current New Found Glory is like finding a sweater I haven't worn in months, putting it on, feeling insanely good about how I look in that sweater, and then not wearing that sweater for another year.It's a comfortable and uncomplicated album, like hell yeah, I'm here for a song about staying indoors during the summer, you made this song just for me!

9) Truth Is a Beautiful Thing, by London Grammar: Early frontrunner for The Hotelier Award for "Album I Don't Completely Understand But Am Aware Moved Me Deeply." Like, you know that Parks & Rec episode, where Tom commissions an abstract art piece, and as he stares at $20 of art, he realizes he's deeply affected by the way the shapes interact and flow, but can't describe what he's feeling or what he's looking at? That's how I feel listening to this album. I don't know what it is about this particular brand of ethereal dream-like pop that left me floored on the bus ride home, I don't know what I actually felt as the woman crooned over the simple-but-expansive soundscapes, but here I am, trying to figure out what I listened to ("simple-but-expansive soundscapes" is the fifth draft of that phrase) and what emotion was stirred within me. This was so cool. How is it so cool? Ugh I hate that I keep complaining about how I'm bad at describing music but Criticism Santa never ever visits MY TREE'S UP, DUDE. I'M WAITING. WE CAN MAKE THIS HAPPEN AT ANY POINT.

10) Blind, by Eskil Vogt: I think I got half an hour deep into this film when I realized I wanted to see this again. The way this film plays with the reality of blindness, how it gives you the sense of the main character's read of the situation before she hears a noise and realizes there's something different entirely, it's just so fucking cool. It reminded me a lot of Charlie Kaufman, and while I can't be 100% sure it's a warranted comparison and not a comparison I'm making because I have a limited frame of reference, but just the way it explored the blind woman's mind, how the story she was writing changed as she felt worse about her blindness, how she got crueler and crueler to the blind character as she felt worse and worse about herself, the way this film dissected loneliness, it's all these things I've come to associate with Kaufman and all these things I love to see in film. It's such a quality film, legit my only gripe is that everyone talked so low and softly, I honestly couldn't tell if the film was going for a low-key vibe or if the Norwegian language is just people muttering at and somehow understading each other. So it's entirely possible my main problem with this film is the Norwegian language, which honestly sounds like a mess, what's up Norway, how come none of y'all enunciate.

11) The Taking of Pelham One Two Three, dir. Joseph Sargent: I don't usually like things about New York City because 50% of all things are set in New York City and it's really hard to use New York City in a unique way. Everything is set in New York City, y'know? I more than understand that New York City is the greatest city in the world. The other 7000 TV shows I have seen about New York City have made this abundantly clear, I don't necessarily need you to chime in on this front. This film, though, this film is awesome. This was like the thing I kept wanting Brooklyn Nine Nine to be, a thriller with incredible comedy, like this is straight-up the funniest film I've seen in weeks (Bob we know what you've been watching you haven't seen a comedy in weeks we don't think) shhhhhhhAnd the comedy is mostly derived from the way the film uses New York. At the outset, no one is as concerned about the people on the train than about how the trains aren't running on time, like it's way more important that the subway runs on schedule than it is that the train not get hijacked. Like, so many people in this film treat this like just another day of New York's bullshit, the research department taking as long as they usually do to create the list of names, traffic impeding the delivery of money to the train. I loved it so so much.

12) Big Fish Theory, by Vince Staples: Vince Staples is a rapper whose projects demand attentive listening, multiple listens to grasp everything that he's going for, so of course I listened to this once on a walk and am throwing it in between a 40-year-old movie and an okay punk album. I have no doubt that the second listen will be rewarding, that I'll unlock what's great about this album and connect to it, and it's not like I didn't enjoy my first listen, Vince Staples is great at what he does and makes music that can be enjoyed even when being skimmed through, but there's so much going on, abrasive dark production and meticulously crafted lyrics, that I know I didn't catch everything. I caught a lot -- imagine not immediately understanding like "BagBak" is going for -- but Vince Staples is on that Kendrick/Danny Brown/RTJ level where he makes work that demands its audience's full attention while still being something the audience can enjoy.

13) Wolves, by Rise Against: The album opens with "Light all the torches and wake up the King/The smoke you've ignored is a flame you can't contain," which is a predictable way for Rise Against to say "I told you so," but, as previously discussed, Rise Against has as much of a right as anyone to say "I told you so" a thousand times. The main problem I have with this album is that it doesn't feel markedly different from the rest of their catalogue. There isn't any acknowledgement that there's more of a sense of urgency in these times than there was previously -- things were still bad in the last few years, but it wasn't "let's elect a monster" bad -- but Rise Against is putting out the same album they've always put out, fire and brimstone here, glossy pop-influenced single material there, the only difference being that they'll now acknowledge that they've always been right. Like, it might have been worth exploring the space they glimpsed on "Bullshit," which is a song where they are 100% excoriating their listener base for not doing enough ("Oh no, please don't life a finger, don't get up, just sit right there/Don't worry about the thoughts inside your pretty little head"), try to analyze the current situation so that, when Rise Against says it's time to fight, there's actual strategy involved? But this is fine, standard Rise Against is usually fine. Ugh, the Trump administration isn't even leading to better punk music, THEY SAID THE MUSIC WOULD BE BETTER. WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO MY SILVER LINING.

[violet-in-the-void]

My DUDES my abusive step mom just finally disowned me so she could get out of making an excuse to miss my wedding 😂 I was absolutely pissing myself laughing bc this is so ridiculous and I’m so fucking happy and relieved.

this woman has been an absolute nightmare for TWO THIRDS OF MY LIFE without a scrap of empathy or decency to her. One of our first interactions, before I’d even ever actually meet her, was her threatening to call the phone company AND the cops on 8 year old me when I was trying to get a hold of my dad one night and my mom insisted I call repeatedly until he answered - y'know, the shy, people-pleasing child crying in the backseat not understanding why everyone was yelling or what I did wrong.

Any time we were upset with something she did, or more ludicrous b yet any time our mother lost her shit and went off, she’d plant us at the kitchen table for a “sit-down” and p much just let into us for having feelings at all or go on for up to an hour about how our mother wasnt well and every reason why what she did was unacceptable or illegal and how they could take her to court. At eight and eleven years old, up through seventeen and fourteen. My brother might have still dealt with it, I’m not sure. I stopped going over the second I was eighteen and didn’t legally have to anymore.

She called me fat, or “buff”, or asked if I was still working on weight loss or what I was doing to trim down nearly every time she saw me. Even though she insisted on trying on 14 year old me’s jeans because we weighed the same - barely 100 pounds. She also insisted on activating the schools SharePoint site to monitor my grades against my dad’s wishes because I got a c on a quiz, as I REMAINED an honor roll student, then proceeded to bitch at me about being lazy because I hadn’t turned in assignments… THAT HADN’T BEEN GIVEN YET.

At 15 she called me disgusting in front of my father because I refused to sit and listen to her berate my mother and sneer at me about whatever legal bullshit they were in then and when she told me that was childish, I told her NO, childish is thinking it’s at all appropriate to smear your step child’s other parents in front of them and yell at them like they’ve ANY control over what any of you do.

At 16 she threatened to slap me and throw all my shit out on the lawn because I dyed my hair black - after they said I could because I got straight A’s, as I ALWAYS did. I tested it - I would tell her I had my hair dyed professionally and she would say it looked great - though I dyed it myself. And when I flipped it the other way, she told me it looked terrible and I missed spots, except it was done professionally and no the fuck they didn’t. I also started researching and practicing Wicca that year, and she went off on some shit about how I was going to get my ass kicked one day for representing things I don’t understand (because I was wearing a pentacle necklace that SHE thought was satanic) and wouldn’t let me in the house wearing it. Even though she has a tarot deck handed down from her grandmother and does cartomancy (divination by reading playing cards). She also tried to bribe me away from it saying she was glad she didn’t have to worry about Christmas or birthday presents anymore since I didn’t believe in that sort of thing… Except y'know, Yule exists and who the fuck ever said pagans don’t celebrate birthdays?

When she found out from my father I wasnt a virgin anymore she screamed at me about being irresponsible and wanting to get pregnant - even though I’d been trying to get birth control for almost a year because my periods were so debilitatingly painful.

That same year I had two friends over for Thanksgiving and after we ate she kicked us out for laughing too loudly, and sent back the cake my friend had brought for them.

They also had a little red Civic they said was mine as soon as I learned to drive, which they sold like nine months later without a word and when I asked about it she started rattling off all the things wrong with it I’d have no way to know about and demanding to know why I was so entitled and why I’d ever think they would ever let me drive it.

She demanded to be invited to every major event like graduations or our upcoming wedding, but without fail never showed up to a single one.

At my first college the financial aid office fucked up their paperwork and caused me to owe the VA a semester of back stipends and she demanded to know what I really did with the money because there was no way the school botched it (they submitted the wrong dates on the form, showing I had attended for both the summer and fall terms when I was only there for fall) and kept pushing it and calling me a liar until my dad stepped in and said YES they did fuck it up, here’s their email saying so. At my new college, she decided to pay off the remainder of my final tuition not covered by my dad’s GI bill (which she constantly told me I was selfish for using bc they couldn’t put my brother through college too, even though he had no interest in going), which was just over a thousand dollars, spent twenty minutes repeating how this is her graduation gift to me, then on graduation day not only bailed, but went to my Facebook and dug through TWO YEARS of photos to find something to be offended by: a whisper I DIDN’T WRITE I had shared that said “I had a stepmom growing up. I guess you could say I was living a fairy tale” that I commented “aw that’s fucked up” on that she SOMEHOW took to be about her, and sent in a group message to me and my father saying she wished she seen the before posting off my tuition and she thought I’d evolved since high school. I told her it wasn’t about her or even my content but it was her prerogative if she wanted to be offended by something someone else said. She said “done” and never responded again.

She decided to put me on her health insurance in January, without my knowledge, which DID really help. Her original deal was to pay for it for one year, then I had to start paying her for it. Which is reasonable. Then she decided to drop me six months in because I couldn’t call her one day. I was busy working with loud machines and I was also certain she was going to try to talk me out of going to dinner with my pawpaw, who ASKED for me to come and I didn’t even know was in town until my brother told me. Even though they live five streets from me.

When I officially announced our engagement, even though they had known unofficially we were planning to get married for over a year and she offered to book an engagement photographer for us, according to my brother my dad was minorly miffed my love didn’t “ask for my hand (why the fuck he thought we’d do that anyway idfk) and SHE said well if THAT tradition is out the window, I guess so is the bride’s family paying. When we never asked them for that EXACT reason and planned from the start to part it all ourselves.

And now apparently asking a question and expecting an answer is giving her attitude lmfao not to mention according to my mother that’s been a nurse my entire life and worked closely with insurance companies, she didn’t need my information at all to drop me. Y'all… I can’t even fuckin deal anymore, literally what the fuck are you doing with your life you need to be that goddamn extra with someone half your age you’re supposed to be kind to and take care of 😂😂 I was never a problem child. I never snuck out, or “borrowed” the car, or asked for money all the time. I can count on one hand the number of house parties I’ve been to, then AND now. I’ve had family friends tell me they expected me to be a pregnant drop out or a drug addict or drunk by 16 with all the shit in my childhood, and all I did was REALLY love the library and develop three mood disorders. All because homebitch couldn’t be an adult and be kind to a child bc of her own obsessive and eating disorders and because my dad would never be just hers. So I mean, thanks for making it easy to not feel bad for giving no fucks and I hope you get right with that god you were so worried about me shunning bc man I think he’ll have some shit to say to you 😂 fuckin BYE✌️