#listen i might get way busier soon but ill do my best to get them all done

[dearly]

Pete Wentz (6:39:20 PM): Hey Ryan Ross (6:39:39 PM): hey Pete Wentz (6:40:09 PM): Is this the guy fro poanic at the disco Ryan Ross (6:40:23 PM): yeah im ryan, is this pete? Pete Wentz (6:41:12 PM): Yeah Ryan Ross (6:41:18 PM): hey man Pete Wentz (6:42:37 PM): How arer you Ryan Ross (6:43:17 PM): im not bad, working on a paper for english. hows everything with the new record? Pete Wentz (6:44:37 PM): Going really well Pete Wentz (6:45:04 PM): How's everything wiht your band are those just remixes Ryan Ross (6:46:01 PM): awesome, yeah we only did those on my laptop because we cant get into a studio yet. but we still have alot of those parts live and full band Pete Wentz (6:46:25 PM): Does it have samples like that Pete Wentz (6:46:42 PM): How many people are in the band.... Are you guys all in hicghschool Ryan Ross (6:47:20 PM): do you mean do we use a sampler? our drummer uses a drum sampler which we put some of the stuff on, and he plays some of it Ryan Ross (6:47:43 PM): im in college. im 18 the other three of them are 17 and in high school Pete Wentz (6:48:26 PM): Like of the pure volume site songs what would not be part of your live show Ryan Ross (6:50:18 PM): well right now the synth stuff because we need a keyboard player. we are trying out a few guys soon though. and some of the drum parts are different. Pete Wentz (6:50:48 PM): I absolutely love the stuff Ryan Ross (6:52:16 PM): but we have two guitar players one sings and i play lead. its kind of hard to describe it. we are a rock band but about half of a song will be dance-ish or sort of 80s sounding Ryan Ross (6:52:28 PM): really? wow thanks alot man Ryan Ross (6:53:12 PM): it really is a huge compliment coming from you Ryan Ross (6:53:35 PM): i was actually really suprised you listened to it Ryan Ross (6:53:40 PM): i didnt expect you to see it Pete Wentz (6:54:00 PM): Is there some pics of you guys anywhere Ryan Ross (6:55:10 PM): no, we are taking them pretty soon for the website, its just not done yet. i have some just of me on livejournal. but thats wierd haha Pete Wentz (6:56:09 PM): Yeah fuck get some to me Pete Wentz (6:56:19 PM): I think I may come see you in californaia Ryan Ross (6:56:44 PM): really? Ryan Ross (6:57:08 PM): that would be awesome Pete Wentz (6:57:46 PM): I've been listeneing to those songs nonstop. Is the band a side thing or is it gonna be fulltime? Ryan Ross (6:58:20 PM): no its full time Ryan Ross (6:59:24 PM): well aside from school. which sucks Ryan Ross (6:59:32 PM): but we want to do this Pete Wentz (7:00:00 PM): When are those kids out of school Ryan Ross (7:00:26 PM): the drummer and bass player are graduating early. so like january and other guitarist/singer graduates in the spring Pete Wentz (7:01:16 PM): Nice Pete Wentz (7:01:23 PM): Do you know about my label Ryan Ross (7:01:46 PM): yeah i think i saw something a while ago on a journal entry, is gym class heroes the only band on it right now? Pete Wentz (7:03:10 PM): Yeah. I signed the academy. But they are fbr strictly gym class and I am looking for another Pete Wentz (7:03:33 PM): The cool thing about it is I just met with waner and they want both of the bands and to give me an imprint Ryan Ross (7:03:55 PM): oh cool i like the academy alot, oh i see yea i was going to ask you about that Pete Wentz (7:04:03 PM): Which pretty much means a lot more money to promote cool artists Pete Wentz (7:04:14 PM): You guys plays out a lot? Ryan Ross (7:04:39 PM): thats awesome man. actually no we just kind of started this thing up a few months ago, the show in victorville is going to be our first one Pete Wentz (7:05:51 PM): Really Pete Wentz (7:05:56 PM): Interesting Pete Wentz (7:06:11 PM): How much do you guys practice Ryan Ross (7:06:45 PM): we've been trying to figure out the best way to do this stuff live, and we've been having a hard time on figuring out how to make it sound good. depending on the place we might not be able to use all the electronic stuff that we want to do which sucks but alot of venues, at least here might have a hard time setting us up. we practice at

least 4 times a week so like. between 24-30 hours a week Pete Wentz (7:07:09 PM): Nice Pete Wentz (7:07:21 PM): I am gonna come to the show Ryan Ross (7:08:13 PM): we wish we could more often. but school is getting in the way. and it sucks cause parents think its a waste of time playing music and want me to focus on school. im sure you know how that is. Ryan Ross (7:08:23 PM): thanks alot man really Pete Wentz (7:08:55 PM): I do Pete Wentz (7:09:05 PM): What are peoples reactions to it Ryan Ross (7:10:04 PM): some good some bad. everyone is so into post hardcore stuff these days that some kids just brush it off. which is fine but then some kids like it cause its a little different i guess Pete Wentz (7:11:30 PM): Can that kid sing live? Ryan Ross (7:12:54 PM): yeah, he's been taking voice lessons for a little bit so thats starting to help him Pete Wentz (7:13:19 PM): Is he on? I mean on here he sounds awesome Ryan Ross (7:14:21 PM): yeah he's on pitch, we recorded that stuff with like a 100 dollar vocal mic. the only effects we used was pretty much reverb on the main parts. Pete Wentz (7:14:42 PM): Yeah sounds good kind of like patrick Pete Wentz (7:14:47 PM): I like it Ryan Ross (7:16:57 PM): yeah thats the only thing we get that alot. and thats just how the kid sings. we like your band but we dont want to sound like you guys, or be compared to fob all the time you know? but yeah he is aware that kids say he sounds like patrick so he's just trying different vocal stuff sometimes. Pete Wentz (7:19:06 PM): Here's the thing if I show you guys interest a lot of crappy labels are gonna come and do the same and I don't want a huge mess out there. I mean how interested are you guys in going fulltime when you can Pete Wentz (7:19:19 PM): Yeah you'll get eh patrock thing but how many people. Sound like hime Ryan Ross (7:19:47 PM): so you really think we've got potential then? Pete Wentz (7:19:54 PM): I do Ryan Ross (7:20:05 PM): i've wanted to play in a band for my job ever since i started high school at least. Ryan Ross (7:20:07 PM): we all want to do this Ryan Ross (7:21:05 PM): its like i cant put enough dedication into anything exept playing guitar and writing Pete Wentz (7:23:01 PM): I'm with you Ryan Ross (7:24:05 PM): but yeah. i cant see myself doing anything else but playing in a band, cause every job i've ever had ive hated it Pete Wentz (7:24:57 PM): You don't have a picture of the band Ryan Ross (7:25:44 PM): no, but if you need it i could have my buddy take some tomorrow at practice Pete Wentz (7:26:58 PM): That would be rad Ryan Ross (7:27:37 PM): okay we'll take some Ryan Ross (7:28:08 PM): are you online much? Pete Wentz (7:33:12 PM): Sometimes Ryan Ross (7:33:35 PM): okay, i was just wondering if this was your email incase you arent on i'll just send them Pete Wentz (7:34:17 PM): Yeah send it here for sure Ryan Ross (7:34:36 PM): okay Ryan Ross (7:34:55 PM): dude this better not be a joke, it better be you Pete Wentz (7:35:12 PM): It is Pete Wentz (7:35:34 PM): But there are a lot of fakers out there Ryan Ross (7:35:55 PM): okay. yeah i know someone has shown me like fake journals of you and stuff. thats creepy Ryan Ross (7:36:10 PM): thats why i asked if it was you for sure Pete Wentz (7:36:32 PM): This guy who is iming me is your manager Ryan Ross (7:37:03 PM): is it xxxtoughffxxx ? Pete Wentz (7:37:22 PM): Yeah Ryan Ross (7:37:38 PM): i dont know if he's our manager. he's our friend, he's been helping us out with a website, merch and the show in victorville Ryan Ross (7:38:35 PM): he's starting a company up and he wants to help us out Pete Wentz (7:43:04 PM): Ah I got t Pete Wentz (7:43:32 PM): It Pete Wentz (7:43:37 PM): You guys are awesome and if its what I think it is I want ti to be thenext academy Ryan Ross (7:44:58 PM): wow thanks alot. i hope you like the stuff live, its not completely different but it is different. i mean the singing is the same and all that. Pete Wentz (7:47:46 PM): cool Pete Wentz (7:48:06 PM): You guys look good. The chicks gonna be swooning? Ryan Ross (7:48:38 PM): once we get

a keyboard player who can do all of the sampling we want to do it will be alot better too. its like we know how we want to sound, but just finding the right way to do it i guess is what we are working on. Ryan Ross (7:48:40 PM): hahaha Ryan Ross (7:48:51 PM): i dont know man, we look alright i guess Ryan Ross (7:48:57 PM): we look young Pete Wentz (7:49:42 PM): Youngs not abd at all Pete Wentz (7:49:47 PM): How does the singiner look Ryan Ross (7:50:05 PM): dead sexy. Ryan Ross (7:50:41 PM): he's no pete wentz. but still Pete Wentz (7:51:42 PM): Hahaha Pete Wentz (7:51:54 PM): Goddamn as long as he looks cool.singing Pete Wentz (7:52:14 PM): For sure send me pics and all how many songs you guys have? Ryan Ross (7:52:39 PM): haha Ryan Ross (7:53:00 PM): kk Ryan Ross (7:53:54 PM): we've only got 4 right now, its been tough to write since school started and everyone's busier. and those are the first 4 songs we've written as a band. at the show we'll play those and a cover of new order maybe. or depeche mode. we dont know yet Pete Wentz (7:56:08 PM): Nice Pete Wentz (7:56:21 PM): I gotta run Pete Wentz (7:56:32 PM): But ill hit you on here later Pete Wentz (7:56:38 PM): Send me those pics and write the hits Ryan Ross (7:56:43 PM): okay dude. good talking to you Pete Wentz (7:56:43 PM): Peaaaaaace Ryan Ross (7:56:44 PM): hahaha Ryan Ross (7:56:47 PM): later man Pete Wentz is away from the computer as of 7:56:51 PM. Auto response from Pete Wentz: Igot99problems Pete Wentz is back at the computer as of 10:05:48 PM. Pete Wentz is away from the computer as of 10:06:23 PM.

[kikiyakno]

✧ Little Star

Date → Some day during the week prior to the Masquerade event. Feb 2021 Setting → Kian’s Grandparent’s Home. Santa Monica, California Triggers  → None, but does include descriptors of fish cutting so if that’s not your cup of tea... Mentioned  → Yi Jae-Sang , Seong Sunwoo , Brandon Kelly, Song Minjoon , Maverick Maxwell, Yong Chul Synopsis  →  ★ Stars are born when large gas clouds collapse under gravity.

The invitation was weird, it was random, it definitely was fishier than whatever fish it was Kian’s grandmother was scaling on the cutting board, but Kian held the weirdrandomandveryfishy invitation close to his chest. This was it. This was exactly the shimmering gold ticket his family and their restaurant needed that would definitely turn everything around.

Except…Gyeonggi Grill was having no part of it.

Just about every eatery in Pico was on board, even the ones Kian didn’t particularly think should be serving food (looking at you Pete’s Palace) and the ones he personally considered to be competition. There was no haste in the flood of Facebook posts on his feed of businesses confirming and promoting their attendance in response to the mysterious invite. It was hard not to feel the clamoring excitement over a party at an art museum. The more he refreshed pages, the more he heard about people talking of it between deliveries, the more Kian felt that this was possibly the shining light for Gijis to be seen again. They would sign up, get paid for it, and best of all to serve new people ~rich people~ to ultimately bring business back in. 

This big chance and his grandparents were radio silent. Kian couldn’t understand.

“Momo,” Kian whined loudly to his grandmother with a soft bounce on his heel. Even with his call the older woman didn’t look up from her work and feed into his melodramatic call. He huffed, the lack of response making his brows deepen further in frustration. “Momo, everyone who’s anyone will be there. They’re paying vendors to be there. This went out to a ton of people, probably everyone we know! Seriously! Everyone’s talking about it. This isn’t just something someone planned on the block, yakno. It’s a huge deal.” 

The pressed enunciations of his words make Kian stop to take a breath. In consideration, he defaulted to speaking in Korean when he was at home and not surrounded by any of his friends. His grandparents had never requested that he do so, but on his own Kian decided that it was a  respectful gesture. Just because English was his preferred language, forcing them to speak it with him didn’t seem fair. It takes him seconds to catch his breath before Kian starts up again.

“This party is exactly what we need, Momo. We can serve…..we can serve the soy garlic chicken! And you know people absolutely love our fried chicken. They talk about how good it is all the time! You know normal chicken places in America don’t double fry. And when they try, it sucks. That’s what makes ours so good! We can stand out with that! Guaranteed!” 

His grandma still didn’t respond, head down and much busier in her re-work of separating scales from the fish. However, there was a soft smile that had made a way to her face now. The passion and sincerity in his voice tickled her ears, especially when a little twist of the accent Kian had arrived at her doorstep with slipped free. Her grandson spoke with fire but not the kind that sought to burn others. He also spoke awfully fast. Which wasn’t too out of the norm for her grandson. Years ago she noticed Jae, Sunwoo, and Kian all shared that oddity.

The lull in the room pressed in on Kian and he broke through it with a giant huff. He waited still, watching her work the knife with expertise. He bit his lip to stop the clench of his jaw and the tightness from impatience building in his throat.

 “Mo—“ “Do you want to cut the fish? It’s your favorite before I clean it.” 

Cut short mid breath, Kian blinked wide at the knife being placed aside for him. She still didn’t look at him, but stepped aside for him to join her. The words sitting on his tongue blew away on a sigh, obediently setting the invite away and beelining to the sink to wash his hands. He steps beside her to take the knife as he starts cutting through the skin. The silence lingers on, aside from the edge of the knife occasionally drags against the cutting board. Kian works as asked, but fast. His cuts are clean and precise despite having his conversation stalled.

“You aren’t listening to me.” He says in an undertone, looking down at his work as he goes.  “I am, Ki-Hyun. I am listening.” Her voice is fond and silvery. Kian knew he was doing his cutting well. “Then why aren’t we joining everyone? Why aren’t we preparing for the event, Momo. We can serve food there.”  “...” “They will give us money. They pay, it won’t be free yakno.” “...” “A lot of people will be there. A lot of people who will love our food like they used to.” “...” “Maybe it’ll be enough money to help us catch up, Momo.”  “Kiki, please slow down and watch your cut.” “Please stop ignoring what I am saying.” Kian’s voice rises a few notches from his soft mutter. He pauses his cutting, noting how his clean work had suffered as he had tried to discuss. He evaluates briefly if his volume had gone too high to be seen as disrespectful, or if he could go on. Soon after he disregards his worry. He was tired of making these pleas and not getting answers. “Why are we not participating? Why aren’t we going?”

The sharpness in his tone takes her by surprise, but she is no stranger to determination. She can’t fight the look on her grandson’s face anymore, sighing herself before she gingerly responds.“...We can’t afford to close an entire day, Ki-Hyun. That’s a day’s business lost.” 

“They’ll pay twice that! Maybe triple than what we make in a day!” 

“We can’t guarantee that, Ki.”

“I can! It’s all over Facebook! Twitter! Other businesses saying they’ll be there and got paid! Remember when I made those accounts for us? People have tagged us—ah, mentioned us! They want to know if we’ll be there.” His voice brightens, contrasting her modulated one. His falters down instantly, however, seeing how her eyes widen then dampen in gentle confusion. Social media was still an entirely new world language for her. “Customers that are going to the party are asking about our food being there. They want us to be there too, Momo.” He defines for her with warmth. Kian can see her understand with his explanation, but she looks away from him before he can see a different turmoil in her eyes.

“We can’t gamble on something everyone else sees as lucrative. And...it would have to be more than a day to prepare for such a large number of people…that means we would have to close for longer to accommodate. Everyone on our staff would have to work longer.”

“Right, and then I’ll get Jae and DaeDae and Mason, and some of my new friends to help us all out and make things easier. And-and Minjoon loves being in the kitchen. If not, him and Chul have networks online too! I know they’d be super happy to help us find the hands we need. Maverick likes food trucks and stuff, he could talk to people! Oh, and Brandon might could help us with clothes and let us borrow something nice to go in!”

“Ki-Hyun.”

“He would find you a really nice dress. Remember I told you that’s what he does, yakno? He’s really good at it. Remember he called me from out of town? He was in a Fashion Show out of state! People love his stuff!” 

“Ki-Hyun.”

“And you know Jae would probably take off all his jobs to help. DaeDae would help too. Buuttt he’s the only one we might have to pay with food, so—” “Ki-Hyun.” Kian stops. Moreso to take a breath than to listen.

“Ki-Hyun, we don’t even have enough in our inventory right now to do so.”

“Yes we do, we—” “Kiki.” 

Kian blinked wide, and she simply shook her head against it. He hadn’t even finished! Each idea of his was shot down in seconds.

Excuses, excuses, excuses. These weren’t answers they were excuses. He didn’t notice how his hands had started trembling or how an ill taste of bitterness wrapped around his tongue. 

“Maybe if you stopped preparing that sweet chili wing combo every Monday and Wednesday night, we would have enough.”

“Kian!” 

“Momo, if Sunwoo was going to come back he would’ve by now. I told you that. But you still do that every night for two days a week. It’s been a month. That’s four weeks. Combos come with six pieces, but you give him two extra. So that’s about thirty-two pieces of meat we’ve had to throw out in the last month because of one person that could’ve fed five or more people.”

Kian knew he had crossed a line and he could see it in her face. He braced for anything, but she only fired right back at him.“And I will keep making what I want for him because those are his nights he works late. It’s too late and dangerous for him to stop anywhere else!”  

“You don’t get it. He doesn’t CARE!” Exploding, Kian lets knife go to drop onto the table as his world suddenly blurs. “He doesn’t care! He-He doesn’t care and he won’t come back! They aren’t coming back. Cause they don’t care. They don’t care. And YOU don’t care!” Kian steps back, immediately remorseful but a throaty sob obstructs his apology. The busy pattern on his grandma’s shirt melds into one in the watery world. “You don’t care! You won’t let me help. You don’t think I know we’re behind! I work because I know we’re in trouble. But you and Grandpa keep...trying to HIDE it and not make me worry. But that just makes it worse! I worry anyways! I’m 27 now and you’re getting older, but I see you work every single day. Then you come home, tired, but then for ME you pretend we’re doing okay when we’re not. We’re NOT!! No matter what we do it’s not enough. I keep working and working and working and working but it’s just not enough! It’s not enough for you to stop pretending like I can’t help! It’s not enough for my friends to feeling like they don’t have to baby me and take care of me and pay for me to eat all the time! It’s not enough for me to ever see you stop working, or rest well at night, or for us to think about taking road trips like we used to or flying away on vacation!” Kian stops to wipe his face with his sleeves in a rush, face wet as though he had been standing in rain. He pushes his face into them to have his cry, only to feel his chest heave in harder when in the brief darkness he only imagines the glittering, serene lights of Paris. He shuts his eyes tighter and tears his face away in a hurry, feeling the accumulation of months of his world caving in on itself finally collapsing on top of him. 

“I-I’m tired, halmeoni. I’m tired of us pretending. This is our one chance and you say no! Why are you giving it up so easily? Why are you giving up?! Wh-wh-why am I the only one who cares? N-N-No one cares! No one cares but me!”

Kian feels like he’s going to give way again before strong arms pull him close from behind. He breaks regardless, knowing now that at some point his Grandfather had come into the room. At this point Kian’s grief commanded his outburst.

“I’m sorry i’m not Kyung-soo. I’m sorry i’m not good like Kyung-soo so you could finally rest and have plenty of money and friends and nice clothes like he does. If I wasn’t here your family would love you and send you the money you need and you wouldn’t be dealing with this. They won’t even help you because of me. It’s my fault. I’m so sorry we can’t be happy and enjoy things like normal people. I’m so—!”

Kian felt warm hands take his cheeks and his body be squeezed harder. Momo had been hushing him and only at her touch had he quieted. He didn’t know how long she had been trying to, but his Grandfather’s face was buried heavy into his shoulder. Momo smiled, relieved to see that she had gotten through to him, but Kian could finally see her face was just as wet—and tired—as his. As familiar as she was to determination, her heart ached to see overwhelming frustration cripple the brightest heart she knew. She could be angry, she could be upset, but while Kian said one thing, she heard another. Hopes, wishes, blame, and shame but most of all that passion and sincerity.  Yes, it hurt to be the one hit by his fire this time, but this detonation of Kian’s was different than all the others she seen before it. She swiped over his cheeks with her thumbs, still working on a smile despite her own tears.

"Don’t let go of any of those dreams of yours, little one. We will figure this out just like we’ve figured out everything else. Keep hoping. It’ll be alright. I promise.”

[bygosscarmine]

A PERILOUS ENGAGEMENT

Man from UNCLE - Wife or Knife AU

for @karis-the-fangirl  later rather than sooner, but here is the fruit of your Wife or Knife AU in my imagination!

It’s ended up being less about the source material and way more about the potential of a very rigid, very tall man being forced by a small pistol of a woman into a [fake?] relationship. It was incredibly fun to write, and rewrite. I hope it’s enjoyable to read!

1/12

The ball may have been the event of the season in the country town of Middleton, but it was hardly high society. This should have set Elias Carrick at ease. Considering that he wasn't really meant to be in Middleton, and his friend Napoleon was so determined he should go, the general effect was a more subtle form of disquiet.

Napoleon was not the actual inmate of Elba Island, but a friend from Oxford given the moniker for reasons best left unsaid in polite society: more properly George Solo. His reassurances were to the tune of, “If you’re ever to make vicar from curate, you’ll need connections. And to make connections you need polish. The first step to polish is to at least have attended a party once.” Not reassuring, and putting rather a lot of weight on a single performance.

Solo had been in the neighborhood of Middleton kicking his heels at his uncle’s home for several weeks. Finding that Carrick would pass through the country on his way to the parish in the North, he had invited him to stop for a short holiday. Carrick had surprised even himself by accepting. The amusements had been tame enough so far, but he could not shake the sense he might end up regretting this whim deeply. He had regretted every other caper the dashing but devious-minded Solo had drawn him into, back in the day.

He stood feeling rather like a lamp-post at the edge of a London bustle, stock-still and being bumped into as if practically invisible. There were silks and muslins fluttering about, and smart jackets darting between them, all turning eager faces towards each other with smiles in their eyes. The chandelier light filled the room with a slight haze of smoke, and the heat of so many people all crowded together made him feel a little out of sorts. He had attended a middle-aged woman to a seat, and had been quite happy to allow her to gossip away at him, but had been supplanted by a matron who thought she was rescuing him. Now he had to find some other way to be politely engaged in the party, and Solo was at his elbow to make sure he did.

"Solo! My boy," said a figure of rather aged splendor, approaching. "And your friend, delightful!"

Solo made his introductions between Carrick and the Squire--his uncle was helping the Squire in some matters of business, and the man had generously included them all in his invitation. The dubious nature of inviting the man of business's nephew and friend to a ball was probably just a highlight of the country life, but Carrick felt as though he shouldn't have accepted.

"You know, there just aren't enough handsome lads about in these parts to do the pretty, so it's a famous thing to have a few visitors! Now, come, I must carry you off to please the young ladies."

Understandably, he took Solo along first, and Carrick purposefully missed his look of beckoning, to remain shored up in the debris of the party's tides. The Squire bore back down on him pitilessly, however, and ushered him along to stand up with a young woman of reddish blonde hair and a delicate face. Since Carrick was well over six foot, and built on the lines of yeoman, she seemed to be in some terror of him.

He said gently, "I am not sure I will get all the steps right," since he knew that his preference for silence did not strike people as comforting. She glanced up at him nervously, but when he moved without too much clumsiness she seemed relieved, and even made some remarks to him as if taking pity.

Being a man of the cloth did seem to excite a certain tendency toward pity in women. At least he had found it so. She left his side at the end of the set without hesitation, but with a polite word of thanks, so she was not fleeing him, either.

He had hoped to disappear into the crowd again, but Solo bore down on him with a woman who he clearly had been dancing with himself, as they laughed together. She was dressed as a matron, but still young and lively, which suited Solo. In fact, she appeared to be a widow as well. Her dark eyes were gleaming as Solo said, "Elias Carrick, madame. Future vicar and current scrapegrace. Carrick, this is Mrs. Hettisham, the Squire's daughter."

"Pleased," said Carrick, bowing.

"Keep her safe from that clumsy fellow in the eyesore coat by taking the next dance, all right?"

"It would be my pleasure," said Carrick.

The woman was quite kind to Carrick, and far from nervous. He enjoyed the scant moments they had in each other's company in the country dance that was raucous and so disorderly that when he forgot his steps it was quite unnoticeable.

"Ah, it is so nice to dance again," said Mrs. Hettisham. "But I must retire or my mother's friends will think me quite lost in dissipation."

"Let me see you to a couch, ma'am," said Carrick. He hoped to settle her and then give her company, since it would mean not having to meet yet another stranger. However, the Squire was busier about the room than his slow gait would have led one to expect. He was at Carrick's elbow almost immediately, with another blushing young lady who had no partner.

As they entered their apartments at the inn after the evening, Carrick told his friend, "If you wished for me to go to this party to gain a little polish, I can't see how it could have answered the purpose. I spent the whole evening scaring little girls."

"Sometimes learning that you are the scariest thing in a room is just the thing to find the proper confidence. Mrs. Hettisham is a wonderful example. A woman who certainly knows her own worth well enough to command whatever situation she is in."

"She is lovely."

"You know, I don't think she is?" said Solo, musingly. "But it makes no difference."

-

Gabrielle Seymour was meant to be in mourning. In truth, she grieved, and was mourning the loss. She was impatient with the form of the thing, however, which seemed to force her to sit and think about how unhappy she was and how little she could do about it. She had "borrowed" some clothes from one of the maids to sneak down and at least listen to the music, but had been forced to take up a position in a corner just enough obscured from the ballroom to see the edges of the dance while also worrying someone would stumble onto her taking the wrong door for supper.

She was choosing her moment to sneak back away, and it was probably now. Her aunt was safely ensconced close to the door to the dining room where she could scrutinize her staff's missteps closely in setting refreshments, and her uncle was now holding court in the card room where his status as host would not prevent him from losing a great deal of petty cash to his guests.

Just then, her elder cousin Lady Hettisham darted over as if to smooth her skirts out of the crush. “Have you seen them?” this dab of a woman in a charming half-mourning of watered silk asked in an undertone.

“I can’t see a thing from here, as you well know, Maria,” Gabrielle retorted.

“Oh, do keep an eye out,” the young widow said, and escaped to not bring attention that way.

Gabrielle could not hazard a guess what it was Maria wished her to see, since what she found immensely entertaining ranged from a truly terrible clash of jewelry to signs of an incipient tendré between ill-matched young people.

Gabrielle was just timing her dart across the hall, risking being glimpsed from the door, toward the servant stair when she saw the stranger Maria had wanted her to notice. A fair man of some height was leading Mrs. Pratt to a seat at the wall. Gabrielle knew from her own experience of coming into this neighborhood several years before that Mrs. Pratt looked even at first sight like an obnoxious woman and proved to be so in a very short time of acquaintance, but he was leaning down to hear her over the music with an intent expression. He not only helped her to her seat but sat beside her as a sacrificial lamb to her conversation, without the slightest appearance of humoring someone he wished to avoid. For a moment, Gabrielle sat riveted by the grave, square face of the young man at her uncle's ball. Then she recollected that if she could see him so well, they also might see her, despite her drab dress. The odd pair had found the few chairs shoved beside this side of the fireplace, which she had relied on being unwanted as both hot and cramped. She fled as smoothly as possible from the area.

Maria was happily chattering as her maid undressed her when Gabrielle knocked and entered.

"Someone had a delightful time tonight," Gabrielle said, keeping her voice light.

"I had never thought a Middleton ball might see a rake who knows just how to entertain a young widow," said Maria with a chuckle. "It takes so very little to make me feel gratified this way!"

She cast a more piercing look at Gabrielle, however, and said, "You did not enjoy yourself, did you, coz?"

"My disguise made it quite impossible for me to do so," Gabrielle said drily. "I had to hide in a corner and wish in vain to be brought a cool drink. I saw that large, fair man with Mrs. Pratt, but you would be put to the test to convince me he was a rake.”

"Oh no! He danced by me with little Georgina, and looked as though he were trying to juggle eggs, he was so nervous and gentle. I believe he is destined for the church. Luckily, his friend is destined to be a man of business. I do not understand how they are friends."

Gabrielle asked for more details on the flirtation, so she might not have to discuss more about her own evening, and soon bid her cousin goodnight. She spent some time in her own bed thinking, however. It made more sense that her cousin had been pointing to two strangers, particularly one who had flirted with her. 

It stung more than it ought to that there were young visitors in the village that she would probably never meet. She didn’t want a London season, or even to be asked to dance at the ball--she just hated to be hidden from the world as if it were shameful that she had lost both her parents. As if she was too young to be trusted to behave in company like a mourner.

If they didn't treat her so much like a disobedient pup, she would have an easier time behaving.

-

Link to all posted chapters here.

[theres-no-paradise]

Sorry not Sorry

Chapter 5

Summary: A random number wakes you up early on a Saturday morning. But it doesn’t stop there. The stranger keeps on sending messages, and you have no idea what is happening, when you start to develop feelings for the unknown person.

Pairings: Tom Holland  x Reader [submit your name: How it works]

Y/N your Name

Y/F  your friends name

Word Count:  2159

Part 1  Part 2  Part 3 Part 6 

Warnings: There will be swearing for sure, lots of sarcasm

A/N: Here we go with Part 5 of Sorry not Sorry. Its getting more personal between Reader and Tom and we are slowly working ourselves to the middle of the Story. So dont worry, there is still plenty to come haha  Thank you all, for liking, reblogging and sending me all these nice comments about this fic. It really motivates me to write more :) 

The last couple of days have been a huge pain in the ass for you. Not only did Tom barely Text you, but you also had a tough time at work. Earlier, it was Tom’s Birthday and you sent him a message, that you wished him a good time and that all his wishes may come true for him. You know, just the usual stuff you text when its someones birthday. He did thank you for that and asked for your day too, but his answers were bare and short. He seemed to be either busy or wasn’t interested anymore in texting you and since you trended to be a pessimist, you thought that he might have had enough of you in the first place.

That was until you had a breakdown once you arrived back home from an awful day at work, which made it even worse when you had a fight with Y/F and lost your Oyster Card. You chose to text Tom because there was no one else you wanted to rant about your problems right at this time.

You:  Do you sometimes have these days where you wanna throw everything away and leave the country?

You sent the message and dropped down onto your bed. It wasn’t late and the sun shone brightly through your windows this afternoon but it didn’t light up your mood. You’d be down for some dramatical rain right now, but the weather decided against it as if it tried to tell you not to worry about it. As you lay there, your mobile buzzed and you grabbed it immediately, still being on the bed.

Not Tom Hardy :(: You need a one way ticket to Cambodia?

You smiled softly at his response and typed as quickly as you could. You really needed to get out this negative energy that had been building up in yourself.

You: absolutely. I’ve been having the worst day ever and I don’t know who to talk to… except you. So, I’m sorry to bother you with my problems, but I really need to get it out

 Not Tom Hardy :(: don’t worry about it. I’m sorry you’re having a bad day. What happened?

 You: I just messed up everything today. The whole week has been terrible so far anyway but today was the cherry on top. I had an argument with a client, that kind of ended bad and I think we lost this person as a customer for future bookings. And afterwards I totally forgot to meet up with my best friend and I let her wait for me for an hour and she called me and I didn’t hear her calls because my phone was on silence and when I called her back later, she was furious and mad at me. I couldn’t even explain myself for having a bad day. And to top it off… I even lost my oyster card. Only realized that, when I left the train station today and couldn’t sign out. I hate everything

 Not Tom Hardy :(: Calm down Y/N everything will be alright.  Just because you had an argument with a customer, doesn’t mean you do a bad job at work. I bet your boss appreciates you and your hard work. Sometimes, people can be shitty and we all do mistakes, don’t forget about that. And about the fight with your friend: Apologize. Invite her over for a movie night and dinner. If she’s your friend, she’ll understand. 

And Oysters are replaceable. It’s annoying that it happened, but you can get a new one and even if you had an amount of money on it, it can still be transferred as far as I know.

Reading this immensely long reply from Tom made you feel so much better. It was like a relief, that he told you all these positive things. It didn’t solve your problems, but it made you see clearer through them. And he was right. People tend to make mistakes and it’s natural, you shouldn’t be so harsh on yourself. You re-read his message a few times, tears welling up in your eyes only because you were an emotional mess right now.

 You: Thank you, Tom. Thank you so much, you’re right. I shouldn’t have freaked out in the first place but you really helped me.

 Not Tom Hardy :(:  Don’t worry about it, as said. We all have bad days from time to time. And if you ever need to rant again, I’m here and I’ll listen. Or read. Either way is fine lol

 You: Thank you.

After the little talk with Tom the other day, you felt a lot easier. You kind of accepted the fact, that he was busier than before since he was up with something. There was a weird feeling in your gut about this guy but you shrugged it off whenever your brain decided to think about it. You got your Oyster replaced the other day and also apologized to Y/F. She was still mad when you showed up at her apartment, but couldn’t hold it for long as she saw you apologize. You explained your day to her and she understood and hugged you. “Next time just check your phone more frequently. You did that with the Tom guy too”, she scolded and you laughed it off, promising you wouldn’t miss any of her calls again. The stress at work settled down as well, especially after you had a long talk to you boss about the other day, where you just got off and stormed out the building. He wasn’t mad at you or the circumstances, he just wanted to make sure that you were alright and he’d be taking over the problem with the customer. You were so grateful for his understanding, that you nearly started crying. You kept a straight face but you could tell your eyes were watering up quickly. As you got off work early that day, you decided to stroll a little through the centre of London. You haven’t been at Leicester Square and Piccadilly Circus for a while and you kind of needed the busy and crowded place to clear your mind from the past few days. As you got off the tube, you walked up the stairs following the masses of people as they all exited the station. Once you came out of the building, you turned right and walked to the public place, where people from all over the world were hanging out. Leicester Square had many cinemas and you wondered, which of these had the most visitors. You’ve only been to the Vue once with some friends when the Maze Runner movie was out in Theaters. Other than that, you’ve only been at some premiers here, to glance at some of the actors who walked over the red carpets.

 You got yourself some Ice Cream from Haagen Dazs and kept on strolling over the Leicester Square as you finally realized all the film posters, spread out over the whole place with the same picture on it over and over. ‘Spiderman’, you read and smiled. You were happy to finally see the new movie soon, but it would only come out in a few days, so you had to be patient. Somebody didn’t seem to have that treat as your phone buzzed.

Not Tom Hardy :(: Have you seen the new Spiderman yet?

 You: No Tom. It’s not out here yet.

 Not Tom Hardy :(: Aw man you gotta tell me how you like it!

 You: Such a Fanboy

 Not Tom Hardy :(: Let me be

 You: Ill make sure I grab Tickets once its out

 Not Tom Hardy :(: Good girl!

You giggled and stuffed your phone back in your pocket, eating your Ice Cream and making your way over to Piccadilly Circus. Summer in London was amazing. But to be honest, every season was beautiful, as you could experience them all for a few weeks.

 It was dark outside as you exited the Cinema together with Y/F. The sky black with a few dots of stars shining as bright as possible over the city lights of London. “Even though he’s so young, he did an amazing job”, you heard Y/F say and smiled. While she kept on talking about the things she liked and disliked about the film, you took your phone out to send a certain person a message. He was probably waiting for it anyway.

 You: It was good

 These were the only words you typed into your device as you walked to the train station to drop off your best friend who lived in a different neighbourhood. “I still can’t believe, that Tom made you this present. It was such a nice surprise”, Y/F said, walking at a faster pace because she knew her train was about to arrive soon. “Yeah, I still can’t believe he got me two tickets for this movie. I don’t even know how to thank him”, you explained and checked your phone once again for an answer. You couldn’t believe your eyes first when you got a confirmation SMS from an Odeon Cinema, saying that the Screening for Spiderman Homecoming was successfully booked. You thought at first, that it could be a scam or some stupid advert, but then Tom messaged you, telling you to not forget to send him your opinion about the movie. Now, you just wanted to be a little mean again with the text you send him minutes ago and it seemed to work when you got the answer back after Y/N has said her goodbyes. Your friend walked through the Ticketmachine and left you, shouting a loud ‘bye’ as she took the stairs to the platform.

 Not Tom Hardy :(: Good????  Only Good??

 You: I liked it. But I’m not used to such a young actor playing Peter. I also miss Tobey though…

 Not Tom Hardy :(: He’s 21…

 You: Oh, your Age! Lol

Not Tom Hardy :(: You’re just old and bitter

 You: Excuse me? I’m not old

 Not Tom Hardy :(: I bet you have grey hair already

 You: Yeah, because you get on my nerves every day

Not Tom Hardy :(: omg

You: brb. Gotta count my grey strands of hair

Not Tom Hardy :(: I wanna see that lmao

You: Let me know when you’re in London and I’ll arrange something

Not Tom Hardy :(: That was easy. Just booked my flights

 You stopped in your movement and stared at your phone, as your mouth fell open. Was this a joke or did he really book a flight from wherever he was back to London? You didn’t believe him. He was probably joking, right? Right??

You: youre shitting me?

 Not Tom Hardy :(: Does this look like a joke?

 And then the next second suddenly a file was sent to your mobile. A Screenshot of an online booking for an upcoming flight to London. You could see his Name on it but he drew over the Last Name, so you couldn’t get his Identity. You didn’t care about that, though. You were shocked as you saw the ticket number and date and destination, as well as his name.

 You: Bloody Hell, I think I need that ticket to Cambodia now

Not Tom Hardy :(: See you next week!

 You: You ARE joking, right?

You were still hoping for this to be a gag but it seemed that Tom really meant it when he said he was coming home. A few days ago you thought, you wouldn’t mind if you’d meet him somewhere in town by accident but now as this thing seemed to become a reality, the thought of meeting him made you nervous.  

 Not Tom Hardy :(: No :)

 You: How long are you staying?

 Not Tom Hardy :(: Couple of days. Have some appointments to attend and need to spend some family time as well. Will definitely be some busy days and I might not be able to answer much

 You didn’t know if you were relieved that he was so busy or if you were lowkey jealous that he couldn’t talk to you on a regular basis. Especially now since you both shared the same piece of earth underneath you. You tried to play it cool but your heart jumped a little, once Tom answered your next text.

 You: That’s okay. I don’t want to force you to keep me entertained every day

 Not Tom Hardy :(: Oh you’re not forcing me. I’m actually enjoying it quite much

 You: You shouldn’t. You’d miss my sarcastic shit probably

 Not Tom Hardy :(: That’s true. Anyway I have to go. Ill talk to you later

 You: bye.

 With that, he was gone for the day and you arrived at your door, with a pounding heart and red ears. You felt so warm, and your chest was moving heavily in excitement. Tom was coming to London and you had to admit, even though it made you nervous and terrified, there was also a little spark of excitement.

Taglist:  @hollandorks  @beardedsteveslut @ilivefortomholland @casualprincess77 @agirlwithpointlessideas @isabellamozarella03 @MENDES-HOLLAND @thiswildfire @wastedheartnat @hollandbaby @moonofmy-life @smileylaurens @random-fandom-lady

[ai-qa]

The Other Side

---

The following two days Aten was busier than usual.  I did not think much of it at the time, but did overhear some things about preparing for an absence.  It was difficult to catch her without her being in the middle of something, organizing things, and so on.

One evening I caught a glimpse of a large sheet of paper laid upon one of her tables.  From where I stood, it appeared to be a map, but it was too far for me to discern its purpose.  I even tried to stand more on my toes to see it better, but to no avail.

Not that it mattered, as a rather large presence had quietly made its way toward my direction and loomed over me from behind.  A glance toward the ceiling from what I perceived as movement was met with Aten's stare down at me, eliciting a startled jump from me.  I had been too interested in the map to listen for passersby.

<"I was looking for you,"> she said before I could get a word in.

<"Looking...for me?"> my voice cracked from the slight heart attack I had just sustained.

<"I would like your assistance with something, though it seems you have found it yourself,"> Aten replied, walking slowly past me and into her quarters.  "Please come inside."

I did so, carefully, following Aten to the map-topped table.  It indeed was a map of the local latitudes of Cyavi, marked with colonies, forests, cliffs, and mountains.  Ours could be found along the coast, near a small forest and a series of waterfalls just to the south.  The map itself looked a bit old and faded in some places, but was still well-made nevertheless.

<"As you are probably aware, this map is a bit dated, but you can provide me with some information to better update it,"> she said while taking up a small soft pen and sheet of paper.

<"Such as?"> I asked, one ear cocked to the side.

<"I would like to know where the Kyrbri resides,"> she answered bluntly.

My eyes widened and my ears immediately flattened from the name alone, but the strange request kept my curiosity.

<"Can I ask why?">

<"I would like to pay her colony a visit.">

While those words might normally put me on edge and make me assume the worst intentions, for some reason I just could not get that feeling from her.  Something in her stare as she scanned the map brought on more a feeling of sadness or frustration than contempt.

I sighed, leaned over the table, and pointed to the farthest colony from ours.

<"This one,"> I assured.  <"With how long it took to leave the drylands and make it to the middle cliffs, this is the only possibility.">

<"Thank you, Sagis,"> she said as she scribbled on her piece of paper before laying it out to dry-- a personal map.

<"There is something I do not quite understand, though,"> I started.  <"If you are gone, what will happen to this place?  What of the other drones?">

After a brief pause, she responded

<"...Sagis, can I make something very clear to you?">

I could not quite help but feel as though I had just gotten into some kind of trouble and felt myself shrink away a little, but Aten simply knelt down in front of me and caught my eyes.  I instinctively looked to the floor and braced myself, but her hand gently lifted my chin.  I complied, but hesitantly.

<"By now I think you have seen that this colony is very self-sufficient.  I have raised them to be independent and capable of keeping their own, both my own children and those from elsewhere, should something happen to me somewhere down the line.  I am not the colony, I am part of the colony.  I want them to grow up without fearing the wrath of an angry queen each waking moment, without worrying about their safety, without fear of expulsion over so much as an earnest desire to learn-- they are my family, not my laborers.  I am sorry that I could not give you the life you deserved until now, but I am doing what I can to provide that for your adulthood.  I want you to see, and see very clearly, that not all places are the same, nor are they equal.">

<"...They will be alright?">

<"They will be alright.">

With that she stood up to check her written map, lightly touching the ink to make sure it was dry before rolling it up and stowing it away in some dayclothing.

<"...Can I go with?">

Aten turned her head and looked back toward me.

<"Is that something you actually want?">

<"W-Well...maybe I could help you?  Act as a guide or something?">

<"But is it something you want?">

I grabbed and gently squeezed one arm with my other, diverting my eyes from her to the ground.

<"I owe you a lot,"> I confessed.  <"I want to...at least try to repay those debts.">

<"Sagis, you were never in anyone's debt.">

<"Please...just let me do this.">

The moment to pass hung in the air as I waited for some kind of response.

<"...Very well",> she conceded, turning her attention back toward the large map on the table.  <"We leave tomorrow at sunset, just after the evening meal.  The path we will be taking is lengthy, but provides decent cover and resources should we need it.  It will take about a week to get there.  Is this still something you want to do?">

<"Yes.">

<"Then I suggest retreating to your quarters and making arrangements as necessary-- packing lightly, perhaps even turning in early.">

<"Yes, I will do that... Thank you">

With that I ran back to my quarters to arrange for chore cover, pack some small necessities, and see myself to bed in preparation for the week which would follow.

-

As scheduled, we left the following evening, taking a short stop just north along the coast to take in the sight of the colony grounds from afar on the shallow edges.  The grounds were enveloped in a warm orange glow from the setting sun, bringing a new way to see something which had become routine.  I had not seen the place from that perspective before, but even Aten stopped with me to take in the view of the sparkling sea, steep coastal cliffs, and the proud stone trees erupting from their shallow valley.

We carefully navigated along the path drawn on Aten's small map, taking pointers and food from nearby colonies willing to offer.  We passed through the edge of a dense forest near some lakes, crossed river, and eventually made it to the middle cliffs.  Traversing the cliffs took a while, but provided helpful cover when we slept.  Once we made it to the big river, we crossed it and walked along the banks between it and the cliffs.

Aten was quiet most of the journey, but in a way I was not used to.  Instead of the typical 'contented quiet' it seemed something was bothering her, pushing her to more strict, goal-oriented behaviors.  It was clear to me by now that she knew Kyrbri personally, but would not divulge how or why.  I mean, it was not my business anyway, but I still worried about her.

After a few days since departure, the landscape made way for the drylands-- an arid sweep between the middle cliffs and the eastern mountains, caused by a rain shadow cast by those mountains.  The ground was dry, even cracked in some places, and vegetation as a result was sparse.  The general area was shapeless aside from some low craggy hills and valleys or the very occasional cliffs from shifting earth.  This was the world I tried to leave, yet here I was returning.  Strangely it did not weigh on me like I thought it would, perhaps because I was not returning to live here.  Either way, I accompanied Aten and guided the best I could from memory, finding what flora, fauna, and water I could to sustain us during the last leg of our venture.  Too soon, however, we reached the final plateau just west of our destination.  We took a moment to just look it over in silence until Aten finally spoke.

<"I am not sure what I expected.">

<"Yeah...this is it,"> was all I could muster to say as a chill crept down my spine and I closed my arms.

The more I looked around, the more uncomfortable I became and the tighter I held myself where I stood.  Memories of a past life washed over my eyes the more I looked, the more I noticed the damaged bridges, the split trees, and the piles of stone.  Frayed ropes littered the discarded skeletons of stone trees, some bridges were outright broken and unusable...just like how I remembered.

Hoping for some kind of solace I looked up toward Aten.  She too was taking in the sight laid before her, her expression one of subtle...disappointment, sadness, and disbelief all at the same time.  With a sigh she closed her eyes, lowered her nose, and shook her head.  The contrast between both people and both places was something like night and day.

<"Are we going in?"> I asked.

<"We have to,"> she said quietly shortly before turning to hike down the side of the plateau.

I followed her closely as we both trekked into the shallow valley and over to the ill-kept stone trees.  Upon our arrival, we were halted by surface guards. They were...somehow unsurprisingly accepting of Aten, even offering to hold her clothing so it would not be dirtied by the dust and grit of the trees.  They were a little more rough with me, but respected that I was accompanying Aten and left me well enough alone.  I wonder if they recognized me or not, because they did not make any strange advances, nor did I hear talk from anyone about my presence.

It was not long before we were being escorted across one of the better bridges to the central tree, the same bridge I used to flee this dreadful place.  This time, though, we made it all the way to the end.  The drone guards at the entrance received us, quickly looked us over, then granted our entry as they returned to their positions.

We entered the dark hollow of the queen's tree, taking a brief look around the large empty room.  Our eyes then set on the figure but ten meters from us as it smiled from its chair.

<"It has been a while, Aten.">

---

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[a-woman-apart]

I Care What You Think

Yesterday I had a really helpful session with my therapist. We discussed the growing anxiety I was starting to feel with my part-time job. I explained that my new duties were challenging, and I disliked them, but I did not feel that that was the greatest source of my anxiety. I explained that it was the things that should have been routine to me—checking books in and out, dealing with patrons directly, and making dozens of transactions—that were causing me the greatest fear response. Yes, we are understaffed, I am helping with training, and we are busier due to summer programs. I have, however, been working at this job for over 4 years, and there have been times when lines have been longer, and things have been much more difficult. In addition to crowds of patrons we also had multiple stacks and carts of books to scrape stickers off of and clean. Of course, it was stressful, but it was also so exciting and fun when compared to the slower seasons.

My therapist asked me what I felt when the line was beginning to form, and I was the only one who could help. I told her that I felt afraid that someone would get impatient, or just that they “wouldn’t have a good customer service experience.” I explained that I try to always be considerate to customers (although I try to say, “Thank you for your patience” more often than “I’m so sorry for the wait” because the internet has taught me right) and I try to multitask better. I am better now with taking time to acknowledge patrons who are waiting as I am servicing the current patron. Even though I am doing all these things—and I have been working this job for over 4 years— my hands now sometimes shake whenever I get a “breather” in between patrons (rare af) as all the emotions that have been pushed down to deal with the “rush” come flooding in.

My therapist advised me to stop internalizing the needs of other people. If I am doing my best, I have no control over how impatient—or not—someone is. I need to be concerned with doing my job efficiently, but not take it personally if someone is upset. She told me, “You cannot be all things to all people.” We also talked about how guilty I feel when I have to call in to work because I am sick, and she said, “You are already in some kind of emotional state if you think you should go to work sick.”

As luck would have it, I had to call in today; I was in so much pain from the gastrointestinal stuff (and other issues) that I couldn’t even get up to get something to eat for hours. I knew that even if I forced myself to get up, I wouldn’t be able to eat, and not being able to eat would mean not being able to take my medicine—lest It cause me even more stomach discomfort—and that would mean going to work on an empty stomach and no medicine, which would be a recipe for disaster. Yet, I had already expressed a hesitancy to call in, even though I was talking about doing so as early as the end of my shift last night. I was telling a co-worker that I had not felt fully well for days, but I really did not want to let my team down as this was the last official SRC program of the season, aside from the finale on Saturday. Also, I had already volunteered to work afternoon shifts while we were filling in the remaining positions at the circulation desk, and I did not want to miss any.

I am trying to put the advice of my therapist in to practice. It’s a little after 8pm, the magical hour of the day when my mind usually decides to flagellate me over my life choices; this usually occurs especially or always when I have “done nothing” for the entire day. Several times, earlier today, my mind drifted to what might be happening at work; to whether the circulation desk got swarmed with patrons and it was just my manager and a trainee. Ultimately, though, my concern should be for myself and my recovery. I am not being lazy. I did not choose to become ill. My manager did not complain or bargain with me to come in; she just said, as she always does, “Okay, thanks for letting me know.” If there are any consequences or words to be spoken, I can deal with them tomorrow when I go in. It isn’t even the threat of consequences that concerns me, as much as the sense that I’ve “let someone down.” It is that feeling of misplaced responsibility that my therapist is trying to get me to address.

This is a paraphrase, but at the end of our session she told me, “I think that once you get a good sense of who you are—outside of what others think about you—that that would be a very great thing for you.” We have been working together for more than 2 years, but I think she may have successfully identified one of the biggest things that is holding me back.

Now it is time for a detour. I have been toying seriously with the idea of coming out to my therapist—even though I had decided not to a long time ago—and I did not then, but she had no idea how much her words encouraged me. Even if I don’t tell her soon, her words emboldened me to start working towards living as my authentic self in a more visible way. This is not about just “coming out” as bisexual, but also just living a less apologetic and more sincere life in general. It is about embracing my choices and owning them. It is about being more assertive when I want to say “no” and more enthusiastic about saying “yes” when it is something that I really want.

INFJs are notoriously thin-skinned, but I do not have to live my life in the confines of my MBTI indicator, astrological sign, or any other label of personality. I know that MBTI and astrology are not scientifically proven, but I think they appeal to the pattern-seeking part of our brain, and they are not inherently harmful. I do think that some aspects of our personality are fixed, but like Dr. Grande says, we can change our behavior. Words do hurt me, but I do not have to let them negatively affect my life or my actions. I can choose to live for myself instead of forever being in bondage to how people will react to me.

It is impossible for you, an individual, to make everyone in your life happy. That isn’t your burden to bear. People in our lives are here for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Keith Battista, of the podcast Adventures in Roommating, quoted something to the effect of, “People can still love you and not love everything you do” or “People can be disappointed in you and still love you” and I think that is such an important thing to remember. Of course, some people really will leave. It is really easy to say, “Just accept it” but that shit really hurts. Rejection hurts. At least now you know where you really stand with those people. Proverbs 27:5 says, “Open rebuke is better than secret love”, and I don’t know if I’m taking that out of context, but we are going to go with it.

Let us return to the main path in our conversation. I do not know why anxiety has decided to rear its ugly head in this way in my life. It has always been lurking under the surface, just barely managed, and now I think it is rising like a gator out of the murky depths to snap me apart (#notallgators, they’re actually kinda cute). This could be due to age. While bipolar disorders have a typical onset age of around 18-25, GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) usually manifests around the age of 30, with most people diagnosed saying they have been dealing with some form of anxiety since childhood.

In the meantime, I am trying to convince my psychiatrist to give me a diagnosis, so that if any alternative/herbal treatments become available (ahem CBD oil) the lack of a diagnosis does not hinder me. She pretty much looked at me sideways, but maybe she will get with my therapist like I suggested, and they can discuss the matter more. She said, “Anxiety is a part of your bipolar diagnosis” and I’m thinking, “Umm, not like this” but I’m sure that is not what I said. I also wasn’t forthcoming about how little hydroxyzine I have really been taking and paid a copay for 90 more pills when I have maybe 82/90 left of my original bottle. This is the lack of assertiveness that I really need to work on.

I know, ultimately, that my needs have started to supersede those that the clinic can provide. It being so close to my home makes getting there less anxiety-inducing and that is one bonus; my old clinic was superior, but it involved a trip on the highway, and between that and wait times it just wasn’t practical for me to continue going there because work and school took up too much of my time. My current therapist is good, but I only get to see her every 2-3 weeks—as opposed to the once a week I got with my old therapist— and that is not often enough for me. The situation with the psych doctors is roughly the same with both the old clinic and the new one, with even the most dedicated of psychiatric doctors really having no time/patience for adjusting diagnoses or really listening to you or doing anything besides prescribing medication. Of course, medicine is huge, but it isn’t everything. My co-worker has advised me multiple times to go to a different state where they have no record of me and talk to someone who will actually listen to me with fresh ears and tell me exactly what my diagnosis is. I would love to do that, but I am not sure that I have the resources.

Again, I know that in a time of upheaval, making anything other than small changes can be detrimental to my recovery. I have already put school on hold. I was on the waiting list for a long time to get into therapy with my current therapist, and there is no guarantee that if I change clinics they would have someone available right away. Since my income dipped for a while earlier in the year, I am currently receiving services from my clinic without paying a monthly fee. That is huge because that fee was a major pain in my ass. I am still adjusting to the demands of my new position at work.

I am severely burnt out and not feeling too well physically, so it can be easy to look for the weakest link to try to “break the chain” of misery. My therapist told me, though, “Be careful that you don’t remove the things in your life that are supporting you.” She identified my job, school, and my relationship as three things that I normally “go after” when I feel in doubt about the direction my life is going in. It may be time to move on from my current job, the clinic, and even my apartment, but sometimes that means adjusting and reframing those things, rather than abandoning them. I definitely do not want to abandon my boyfriend, but I am also sick of being apart and I want to do something about it.  That involves both making the time and finding a way to generate more revenue.

I know I’ve “given up” as much as I safely can. I’m so tired of everything but giving up on this job—without having a plan—would be tantamount to giving up on my apartment and my independence in one single regretful decision. Calling in sick—and I’ve been sick a lot—doesn’t mean that I have to feel forced to give up entirely. I was just advocating in an earlier post about picking yourself up and trying again when you are faced with failure. I still am.

Stay strong.

[topicprinter]

This is the true account of what happened and it made me uncomfortable to write, even after all this time. It stirred up a lot of bad memories, but if it helps one person then it was worth it. I'm sorry if it's a bit wordy!For a long time now, I’ve had a favourite saying; “It’s not a failure as long as you’ve learnt something”.Well, I’m now thirty-five, and I’ve already learnt a lot. I’m going to share some of what I’ve learnt with you. I’m not doing this to preach, or even instruct. I’m doing it for myself, and for anyone that might come across this article on the back of a recent setback. I need to give you a bit of background first, so I'm sorry if this goes on a bit!In 2002, after completing a two-year programming course at college, I took a year out from education and started working in a local art gallery. I’d work all week, mostly in sales, enjoying the feeling of having money in my pocket and being able to go out at the weekends. The twelve months passed quickly, and it was soon time to leave for university.I lasted three months.The course was dull and in no way challenging. I kept thinking about how much I missed my girlfriend, and how much I’d enjoyed my job. Making a big sale gave me such a rush, and here I was, sitting through stuffy old lectures. I jacked it all in and returned home, to my old job. But it wasn’t going to last, I’d woken a powerful desire for finding new challenges.Six months after returning home, in May 2002, I decided to start my own business. Having experience working in an art gallery, it seemed like the ideal industry to start in. It was the easiest option.I found a tatty old shop in a neighbouring town and set about renovating it myself. We covered everything in wallpaper and filler, and it didn’t look too bad when we’d finished. I’d already managed to get a £6,000 loan from the bank which I spent on stock and a few shop fittings.I’d opened the doors by the end of May, but I didn’t really know what I was doing. I had no business plan, marketing plan, cash flow forecast or operational budget. I didn’t have any staff and was working seven days a week.Despite this, I had a reasonably successful first year’s trading. My best month was about £6500, and our margin was over 50% so this was good for a new business being run by an inexperienced, ill-prepared and over-confident twenty-year-old. But it didn’t last, many of my customers started buying from online galleries. My quiet months starting eating all the money I made in the busy months. I was earning a lot less than minimum wage, and it was impossible to take time off.It was around this time that I decided I wanted the enterprise to be larger. I wanted to up my game, to start selling art for thousands instead of hundreds. I needed more. I would be able to pay myself more money, take on staff and not have to be hands on all the time.I started talking to my suppliers about my plans and they thought it was a marvellous idea (of course they did!). I found a space I liked, and despite expert advice that it was in a low footfall area, I signed the lease. Somehow, I managed to convince the bank to lend me another £20,000 (still without a business plan!).Eighteen months after opening my first gallery, I opened my second. It was four times the size of the first one, with overheads to match. It makes me cringe to think about it now. I had a grand opening with bubbly and nibbles, the week before Christmas. Almost immediately, it became apparent that I should have taken the expert’s advice. I was only a few metres from the high street but it might as well have been miles. I started ordering ridiculously priced full-page ads in glossy magazines and advertising on bus stops trying to raise awareness of my gallery. I dropped 10,000 leaflets to newly built houses and advertised on local radio.To be fair, I had some awesome weeks. I’d sell thousands of pounds worth of art to just a handful of customers. But then I wouldn’t make another sale for days. It was depressing.Six months later, I closed my first gallery (just two years after opening), to concentrate on the new one. I'd neglected the first gallery (the one that was breaking even) to spend more time on the new one.Things went from bad to worse when I figured out that I hadn’t made enough money to cover my third quarter rent payment, so I went back to the bank, but they turned me down for another loan. To be fair, I was already into them for £31,000 at this point. Seeing the fix I was in, my father offered to lend my £20,000, which I gladly accepted (he didn’t have this money, he took out a loan to cover it).I know what you’re thinking. Why did you pour more money into the hole? I can’t really answer that, I just felt I had already committed so much that I couldn’t walk away. Also, I was twenty-one and thought I knew better than everyone else.This is where things get crazy. I didn’t change anything; I just carried on as before, hoping against hope that the situation would resolve itself.The money lasted six months; I managed to stay open until Christmas, hoping that a decent festive season would allow me to hang on a bit longer. But I failed to make nearly enough sales and closed my doors for the last time on Christmas Eve (just over a year after opening).I was 21, with over £50,000 of debt, £20,000 of that was owed to my father. I had four years left on my lease, at a cost of £15,000 a year. I hadn’t made any plans for this outcome and I didn’t have any idea about what to do.My landlord took pity on me, and let me walk out of the lease, but the repayments on my loans were close to £900 a month. The day after I closed my business, I rang an employment agency and landed a shift job in a local factory. Within a week, I’d gone from art gallery entrepreneur to working on a production line in a factory. I started doing a lot of overtime, often doing six twelve-hours in a row, have one off, and then do another six days. It was mind numbing work, but I was overpaying my loans and keeping my head above water.My confidence had taken a serious hit and my credit rating was in the toilet. I did two years in the factory, always doing overtime and odd jobs on the side. It was a pretty grim part of my life. I drank too much and was smoking twenty cigarettes a day. Nearly everything I earned was used to repay my debts, and I was constantly exhausted. I blamed everyone but myself for my situation. It was pitiful.The pain of my failure gradually started to recede, and my confidence gradually began to return. I felt that old desire for a challenge. I thought about starting several different ventures, but I was still a shadow of my former self, and still had a fair bit of debt. I was quite lost for a while until one day I walked into an Armed Forces Careers Office.The recruiting staff can spot lost souls a mile off, they’re trained for it and they gobbled me up. I’d already decided I wasn’t a good fit for the Army, and I didn’t fancy long spells at sea, so the RAF seemed like the natural choice. I breezed through the application process, and at twenty-four, I left for basic training.Basic training and technical training were a challenge, both mentally and physically. After completing nearly 18 months of training, The RAF had given me my confidence back, and made me fit and healthy in the process. I was ready for my first posting.It didn’t go to plan. After all the training, I was given a job answering a phone and watching a screen for three years. I stuck it out, paying off the last of my debts and starting to experiment with entrepreneurial ideas. A lot of ideas came and went, most of them nothing more than dreams. The point is, I had come full circle back to the idea of making my own way in the world.I eventually got out of the RAF and got back into running my own business. Ive been running the business for six years and it’s still going strong. Our turnover is growing, and we have a variety of projects in the pipeline to grow our business further. We’ve diversified and added complimentary income streams. We’ve built up some equity and improved the freehold building a lot over the time we’ve owned it. We’ve made it work. But that doesn’t mean there haven’t been more lessons to learn.Over the years I’ve also tried subscription boxes, being an Amazon seller, self-publishing a novel, three separate e-commerce stores and a host of other weird and wonderful ideas, including farming oyster mushrooms (what was I thinking??).So, what did I learn from my failed art gallery business? Remember it cost me over £50,000 so it taught me a lot!Don’t take the easy option. I didn’t open an art gallery because I saw a gap in the market; I did it because it was the easiest way to start a business.Make a plan. I came unstuck because I’d spent no time thinking about my business plan. I just did it and hoped for the best. Remember, "build it and they will come" is not a business plan.Start small and test the water. I did this to a certain extent, but one of my biggest mistakes was trying to be something greater than I was. I should have experimented more. I could have traded from a market stall or tried to share a space with a complimentary business.Listen to the experts. Someone with experience told me that my gallery was too far from the high street and had too little footfall. I didn’t listen, and it cost me my business. I should have taken a smaller space in a busier location.It’s NEVER too late to walk away. If I’d admitted to making a mistake earlier, I could have saved myself a lot of money. If you try something and it’s not working, then either change what you’re doing or drop it. Don’t just keep pouring money and time into something that you know is never really going to work.Limit your liability. Make sure that if everything goes wrong, you don’t end up saddled with debt. I should have been trading as a limited company and I should have insisted on a 1 year break clause in my lease. I should have tried to get as much of my stock on consignment.So what’s the point of all of this?I wanted to let you know that I’ve taken some pretty big knocks on my entrepreneurial journey. But they’ve all taught me something, and I try to apply those lessons to my next venture. So if your first, or tenth, business isn't successful, don't give up. Learn what you can from the experience and move on.I won’t stop testing out new business ideas, and I don’t think I could even if I wanted to. I’m certain at least some of these ideas will turn into more “lessons” but that’s how we grow.And besides, I’m a slow learner...

[koiiroko]

dear leo,

This is something i need you to read.

First of all. don't panic and jump to conclusions. I'm not breaking up with you, but this is a real evaluation that i need you to read. every word of it.

Here's the thing. I think that you're thinking that things are back to normal. and in a way, it is. you and i are back to our normal routines, our usual interactions and humor. we're back to acting like...nothing ever happened. Is that what you think or feel? of course i can't read you, but there has to be at least a part of you that feels that way. 

don't think that way, please. don't be that naive and stupid. if you think that everything is over and done with and it's a roadblock that's been passed, then just stop right now, please. just don't even finish reading this. because if that's how you thought and feel, then i'd rather just end this now and break up rather than trying to make things work. because if you thought everything was over with, then to me, that clearly shows that you don't really care, and never did care about how i felt.

as usual, i've been busy, and i haven't had the time to do this as soon as i wanted to. but believe me, i haven't forgotten. i haven't forgotten how much you hurt me.

it's still in the back of my mind all the time. i still think about it sometimes before i sleep, and it keeps me up.  sometimes it'll be a passing thought, other times it'll stay and settle in my mind until i have to force myself to move on. i've written this a little at a time, since even now it's hard for me to really say what i mean. there's a lot i still think about. a lot that throws me off, and ill try to go through them thoroughly. this may take a while, and it will definitely be long. you may get angry at me for the way i feel. i do understand, since some of the things i say might be mean or harsh, or irrational. but try to finish the entire thing, before you make any decisions. 

i know i was very busy spring quarter, and didn't give you a lot of time or attention. i'm sorry, i really am. i know i ended up choosing my fraternity over hanging out with you a lot. it's something that i hope you come to understand that it really was a time period that was vital for me. if i didn't go out, i wouldn't have been able to bond with anyone. i was trying really hard at the time to try something new, to meet new people. and i think you should know by now that i have more people that i really enjoy spending my time with. and this is good. please understand that it will not take away from us. just because i spend a little less time with you and more with some other people does not mean that i care about you any less. 

at the time, you justified your cheating by saying you were bored. that you had nothing to do. really, that's extremely insulting to me. doesn't it sound bad? that my boyfriend cheated on me by downloading tinder to talk to other girls because he was bored at home while his girlfriend was busy with school and extracurriculars. it wasn't like i completely blew you off--i still tried to see you several times a week. what angers me is that i still really tried, and i know i could have done more. but what you did was completely your own wrongdoing. 

you could have easily challenged or done something with your boredom in a completely different way. but instead, you chose to cheat instead. you chose to download tinder, make an account, and repeatedly use it to talk to girls and delete it. you cannot say that you "weren't thinking"--that's absolute bullshit, and you and i know it. the fact that you kept downloading it and deleting it is clear to me that you and i both knew that i was uncomfortable with you having it. the fact that you kept lying to me to the last minute about having an account shows that you knew from the start that it was wrong. and at the same time you didn't give a shit. you didn't give a shit about how i would have felt. 

the real irony was that the last time you did this, it was because you felt that i was suffocating you. now, it wasn't enough. so what do you really want, then? 

You hurt me tremendously. You don't get to try and cover up your actions. You don't get to pick who and why you hurt someone. You have no fucking excuses. I trusted you so much, I loved you so much, and it felt like then that I had been the only one who had been taking this seriously this whole time. You said at the beginning you would never lie to me, and yet you spent half of our time lying to me. 

you fucked me over.

there's more, too. when you complained that i wasn't giving you enough attention, it seemed that you didn't support me, and instead you were holding me back. that's exactly the opposite of what you and i should be, leo. please don't be afraid of change, or me changing, because fundamentally i will stay the same. but you have to realize the kind of person i am too. i have a lot of things i want to get done, and i need time for all of those. while none of them can be compared to that of a relationship with someone, sometimes of those things have to be prioritized over physically spending time with you. i know it sounds harsh, but i'm not going to be able to accomplish everything i want to if i devote the majority of my time to you.

please think about what you did, truly, and what you can do in the future differently. because you did everything wrong this time, leo. of course i wasn't perfect either, but you cannot be this selfish. i'm laying this down for you right now: i'm only telling you this now because it's going to get harder. i'm taking on more things--and while i might seem more stressed and tired, here's the thing: i'm going to be a lot happier. i'll be a lot happier if i'm doing all the things i want to do, and busier with work that i'll enjoy doing.

i'm not going to be able to see you everyday, or every two or three days. i might only be able to see you once a week. you need to be okay with that.  and if you can't handle that, then this relationship needs to be reconsidered, because neither of us will have room to grow if we are consistently suffocated by the other.

think about it.

you and i can walk away. or you and i can try to better ourselves. i can only tell you right now what i want. and for now, i feel like i have more of the upper hand. but i really do want to hear what you want from me as well. but here's what i need from you.

i need you to understand.

i need you to try and understand how i feel around you right now. i'm still uneasy. i don't trust you. whenever you're out late hanging out with someone, or talking to someone i don't know, you have to know that it makes me feel like you're hiding something from me. and i hate to be the person who inquires into everything, but if you really have nothing to hide, then you should be okay with it until i learn to trust you again. learn to be loyal to be again, and i can learn to live with you too.

i need you to show that you care.

i need your patience and encouragement. and i need you to listen. i need you to actually show me you care by showing up on time. b holding up to your promises, big or small. by apologizing when you're wrong. by offering your own solutions. 

and more than that, i need you to show that to more than just me. i need you to care about yourself by bettering your own self. i want to be with someone who has equal motivation and a strive for excellence i do. i want you to do better this year. i want you to put yourself out of your comfort zone, do something new. find a new job, join a fraternity, get an internship. as much as it sounds, i'm not nagging you. i'm pushing you to be a better person, because you and i both know that the you who sits at home twiddling your thumbs out of boredom and downloading dating apps to cheat on your girlfriend is not the best version of you.

be different than the person you were and are now, leo, because that person that you are isn't good. the way you're acting now is much like a child. if you think you can handle being able to love someone, you need to be mature enough to handle yourself as well. because the way you're acting now, this won't last. 

and the most i want from you is honesty.

be fucking honest with me.

everything falls under that. loyalty and love. you're an absolute fool if you think you can love someone by lying to them. that you're keeping the balance of something by keeping truths from them so they and you can live easier. you're so full of shit, if that's the way you think. you can't run away from the truth forever. you can't create your life by painting it full of lies so it seems to fall the way you want it to, because it won't. it will fall apart. 

if you think i will love you as a liar, you're wrong. because if you lie to me again, i'm done. lie to me again, and i'm gone, because it means you don't know what love really is. you can't build a relationship on dishonesty. 

reflect on this, because this is how i feel. this was difficult for me to write. please really think about this, and what you want to do next.