#listen I'm just going to keep writing the kind of queer representation I need/wanted/sought out as a child

[alltimefail-sims]

The anon who sent me 13 messages about how annoying it is that nearly all my Strangerville characters are some variation of queer is not gonna be happy when they find out that like half of my featured Chestnut Ridge characters in Lea's gameplay are also some variation of queer.

Oopsie 🤷‍♀️

[beenote-blog1]

hello i'm the frustrated d/c!anon of that post you reblogged and i just wanted to say thank you for sharing those wonderful tags. "we deserve those amazing epic stories too" we do, we do. saving to look at again when i need a reminder of all the good people who are in this together, of the good things that came out of this in spite of where it has gone and where it might end.

anon, i’m sorry it took me a little while to respond to this. this is really thoughtful & sweet and i’m immensely touched that my sort of random tag rambling can serve as a little comforting reminder when the feelings get overwhelming or shipping is just a lot to handle. ♥

more accidental long rambling you probably didn’t want behind the read-more because I talk a lot

In your original message, you mentioned not having a lot of people to talk to who can understand caring so much and I relate so very much to that. I have some people who will listen to me talk it out, but they don’t really understand just how much it /means/ to me - especially when I’m feeling worried or crushed by it. Like you, intense level of reaction I’ve had to d/c had me questioning why exactly it was causing so many intense roller-coaster feelings and after thinking about it for awhile, I realized how starved I’ve been for their exact sort of epic friendship/romance story; but one which (finally) reflects (and has the potential to further reflect) some of my own experiences with dealing with my sexuality and even my own romantic experiences [okay, obviously nothing so epic in my own romantic experiences, but there’s enough there to go “yes, yes, exactly” and the rest is “this is the ideal story, who wouldn’t fall in love with this?”]. Destiel is very much what I cleave to in romance and in storytelling and it speaks to me beyond just a ship. It’s the type of story that’s always spoken to my soul [far reaching and life changing and full of love and hope and at the same time, saturated in a bit of pain and tragedy], the kind of story I’ve always sought out. I mean, of course, the dream is finding a story that could even further reflect those things & the experiences of my life and give me /more/ of the sorts of stories I’m hungry for, but the search is long and arduous for all of us and destiel has been the kind of story so many of us can carry with us and again, god, don’t we deserve those stories? the kind we carry with us? 

A big part of that, as well, is that I think d/c is sort of…wide open in a way? People with a lot of different experiences and forms of identity can find themselves reflected in d/c. Look at all of the different ways people relate to and identify with Cas.

and this is getting rambly/off track but I also think there’s a lot to be said for the ways dean and cas and their relationship highlights the lines of friendship and romance that lgbtq+ people experience and struggle with in their own unique ways. Plus, we just really want to feel like we can see ourselves in those starcrossed / will stretch across the universe and time / can survive the worst challenges type of romances and that’s fair. It’s understandable. (Those are the types of stories that have been capturing the hearts of people for ages, why wouldn’t they capture ours?) I’m not saying there aren’t canon lgbtq+ ships that aren’t out there trying to do the same and I work really hard to support them, but it doesn’t erase what destiel has meant for me and I imagine, for many others. Even with representation increasing in media, people are still struggling to find things that speak to them and it’s going to take a long time still before there’s enough representation and enough to choose from that people can find these types of stories more readily (hopefully ones which will follow through/become canon/and aren’t troubled by all of the terrible things we’ve had to deal with, with d/c). So uhm, I think, just knowing there’s a beautiful story like deancas that doesn’t have to be a strictly a straight romance and that has been unfolding slowly and so organically - even if large parts of it have had to be done in fandom -  and that has been a story ripe for inspiration and a place for people to come and feel hopeful / explore a beautiful story/ themselves/ find happiness, that’s impactful. I think it appeals to a wide array of people and it speaks to something essential in us. so, despite everything, it’s hard to just erase that from people’s minds and hearts. 

Saying that; however, I also really understand and empathize with the issues people have with the ship and especially with the way it’s been handled (I also carry around a lot of those issues and struggle with them). I also can’t divorce myself from the power of what the ship has given me or what an impact it’s had and clearly, has had for many many other people. I think there’s a reason the ship has lasted as long as it has and that it has so many people who have continued to enliven it and shape it through art, writing, content, love, ect. - even when other ships are available. I know there are people who fetishize it, like all things, but a majority of people I’ve come across are people who have found a bit of themselves, their hopes, their love, and their desire for good storytelling in the ship and for me, that’s just so special. It doesn’t erase the terrible things either; though, which is why I think it’s important to talk about those problems and make an effort to support the stories and ships that do better, as well as to be vocal about where our lines are at. I really do understand the deep pain and struggle that comes with loving this ship, especially when we’re looking at the layers added on by being part of any marginalized community - we can’t separate from that, can we? Spn has been terrible at representation across the board, period. That baggage is inevitably added on to destiel and I don’t think it can be separated. I think it’s unfair to ever demand that anyone does. 

@awed-frog, as always, has put it all much more eloquently than I ever could in most of her writing about destiel/spn, but again - I think we all have to make a choice about what we, personally, are willing to take from this. So much of the unfortunate reality of this ship has been laid out bare (the likely possibility it won’t go canon, the purposeful choice by the writers to put it in the subtext/partial text but not follow through, issues within the shipping community itself, on and on). For me, I’m in a place where I’ve cushioned myself to that reality and I’m willing to go through to the end being clear-minded about those realities (though it won’t hurt any less. it’s been a bit like preparing for someone to pass away.) I stick with it because I mostly take the best of the small things in canon to bring into my fandom space and when the show is hurting me or the cast or writers are hurting me, I take breaks and try to find more positive things to engage with. Right now, that’s just… what makes me okay/happy and it could change any time. they want to take from this show and that has included walking away for their own health and happiness and I just. fully accept and support that and understand why and I think it’s important to allow people a place to verbally work that out and support it (something I think some are doing really well with. people are hurting and it’s important to know there’s places we can go to not feel alone).

So, I keep reminding myself of where this struggle is coming from in the first place. I mean, I can’t think of many times in my life I’ve gotten /this/ emotional about a ship on a regularly, extended basis - and I’ve had a lot of special ones over the years. I think so much of it is wanting our own beautiful, reach-across-the-universe kind of stories (if… that makes sense at all). The truth is, they just aren’t easy to come by and we kind of got the terrible luck of this half accidental/half purposefully created one not being handled all that well. I like to hope that destiel will be one of the (maybe slightly failed) early prototypes to more epics that people will dive into the way we might dive into any one of those famous stories of love or adventure or sorrow that have stretched across generations and peoples, but with the representation so many of us are hungry for. And, I mean, how could anything be wrong with that, anon? I think that’s the most beautiful, human thing ever, to dream of that. So you’re super valid for those feelings and struggles regarding dean and cas. They’re special and I hope you can find a place where destiel won’t hurt you too much (even if that means trying to cope w/ the feelings and step away from it further and find better things or openly talking about it or crit writing about the show/raising awareness or writing it out or creating something even better, anything! any and all of those powerful ways of dealing). In the end, I think it’s a lot bigger than “just a ship.” People have got all sorts of desires and hopes and personal experiences tied into the stories we love. To me, that’s just… so beautiful? even when the world is sort of terrible at letting us have them. 

I really hope we all keep going forward trying to create those stories ourselves and supporting those who can. Destiel can continue to be one of our great inspirations for future stories/romances/friendships. After all, people always need inspiration and oftentimes the things that don’t reach the heights we had hoped for are the sources for building and discovering something greater. 

i wish you the best, anon. you aren’t alone. ♥ i’m happily always here if you would like an additional person to deancas feel at, but either way I wish you a lot of happiness in future ships/stories/creative endeavors/and fandom things. VwV