#listen I only started doing art last November so I'm still learning.

[astramachina]

ricky jumpscare

[unetherian]

Intro post

Last updated: Thursday 21th, . November 2024

.·:*¨¨*≈☆≈*¨¨*:·..·:*¨¨*≈☆≈*¨¨*:·..·:*¨¨*≈☆≈*¨¨*:·.

First name: nickname: Lune (or unetherian)

age: yes

gender: That is to say, I don't have any . (agender)

pronouns: I don't have specific pronouns so . whatever you want

alterhuman/therian/quadrobist

theriotype(s): I'm a puma!

𖡼𖤣𖥧𖡼𓋼𖤣𖥧𓋼𓍊𖡼𖤣𖥧𖡼𓋼𖤣𖥧𓋼𓍊𖡼𖤣𖥧𖡼𓋼𖤣𖥧𓋼𓍊𖡼𖤣𖥧𖡼𓋼𖤣𖥧𓋼 ・○・●・○・●・○・●・○・●・○・

Hi! Welcome to my blog ! I created it to learn more about and connect with alterhuman, otherhuman, alterbeing and non-human communities.

Here is a safe place for:

alterhumans (including factkins)

nonhumans

otherhumans (including factkins)

alterbeing

furries

those who are questioning

queer beings

quadrobists

otherpaws

those who have a plural system (all)

those who support those who are welcome

beings just wanting to be informed

zoophiles who treated this/who have not and will never take action

pedophiles who treated this/who have not and will never take action

haters/antis who are no longer haters/antis

乁⁠|⁠ ⁠･⁠ ⁠〰⁠ ⁠･⁠ ⁠|⁠ㄏidk who add

Here isn't a safe place for:

zoophiles, pedophiles, who want to have real s3xual relations with this f3tish

antikin, antilink, antifur, queerphobe, and anyone who wants to physically or mentally harm those who are welcome.

anyone who harms/do not respect someone or something.

I still don't know who add ┐⁠(⁠ ⁠˘⁠_⁠˘⁠)⁠┌

⋇⊶⊰❣⊱⊷⋇ ⋇⊶⊰❣⊱⊷⋇⋇⊶⊰❣⊱⊷⋇ ⋇⊶⊰❣⊱⊷⋇

My hobbies : I love art, I draw a lot (on sheets of paper, digital is complicated) I might buy a graphics tablet one day but... it's expensive TvT. I also do quadrobics and climb trees. I take care of my pets, I observe animals outside, I look at the planets with my (small) telescope, I read, I collect vulture culture, I'm listening to music, any other activities in nature, and many other things.

My parents don't know that I have a Tumblr account so if I've been inactive for a while it means I must have deleted it or just abandoned it. I don't like lying to them, but without the alterhuman community on Tumblr, I think my mental health wouldn't be very good... (They don't know I'm alterhuman) I assure you that I am extremely careful on social networks, I know that you shouldn't joke about that. I prefer to warn <3

Later, when I can, I will try to educate the French alterhuman, alterbeing and nonhuman communities.

If you want to see my alterhuman journey, watch after the cut :3 nf

[TW : Intense species dysphoria and depression, the following is not only about that but I prefer to warn you. I tell you how I got out of all this]

𖡼𖤣𖥧𖡼𓋼𖤣𖥧𓋼𓍊𖡼𖤣𖥧𖡼𓋼𖤣𖥧𓋼𓍊𖡼𖤣𖥧𖡼𓋼𖤣𖥧𓋼𓍊𖡼𖤣𖥧𖡼𓋼𖤣𖥧𓋼

I awakened in February 2024. That's when I noticed that I wasn't just a person with a lot of imagination.

But it's a long story ;⁠)

I've never felt completely human since I was born. I have always had needs, instincts, shifts etc. At first I thought it was a game and I thought that ✨ one day I would turn into a magical creature who will save the planet from pollution ✨(I really believed it 😅) In my head, it was simple: I was a magical creature capable of transforming into several different animals/creatures, I had to watch over the Earth but humans were starting to become too dangerous so I found a way to become the child of a family and start a life as a human to learn more about this species and find a solution to fix everything, and later transform into my true form to make everything better.(I shortened the lore I created around this).

Finally, I grew up, and I noticed that this story didn't hold water. I stopped believing in all that, because I had made it all up, right?

All ?

I had effortlessly let go of this crazy story (I didn't really believe in it anymore at the end so...) but I still didn't feel human, I continued to have animal experiences... I returned to the starting point. Why do I feel like this? This time I didn't want to make up a weird story like I did in the past (I wouldn't even believe it anyway)... So I thought I was crazy.

I felt bad, extremely bad about my identity.

This time it wasn't completely because of my gender and species dysphoria, (I didn't know what the word dysphoria meant at the time), I just felt crazy. Deep down, I knew that wasn't really the case. But I didn't listen to myself. Who wants to listen to a crazy person, anyway?

Later, I decided to create a clothing style more related to fantastic animals or creatures, to feel better. (unconsciously, I created gears for myself)

And even later, on YouTube shorts, I found a strange video where I saw a masked person running around on all fours I was looking for something else, so I didn't really watch the video. If people like to pretend to be an animal, as long as they like it and it doesn't hurt anyone, why not?

And I found another video. Then two. Then three, four, five, six, etc.I finally gave in and watched these videos.

And there is the flash.

I admired the impressive jumps and the magnificent masks based on animals and nature. Before, I thought it was a hobby, looking for the animal that most resembles you, and doing quadrobics. I needed this "hobby" to escape my dysphoria and anxiety... Besides, I thought the members of the community were called furries. But I noticed that in a lot of these videos it said "you don't choose to be a therian" or "theriantropy isn't just gears and quads", so I did some research .

And I discovered the actual definition. I discovered MY definition! This part of myself, A WHOLE COMMUNITY HAS FEELINGS SIMILAR TO MINE?????????!!!!!!!!

I discovered the definition of therian. Then that of otherkin, otherhearted, nonhuman, plantkin, otherlink, ockin, fictionkith, ect.

I learned a lot about these communities, before deciding to learn about myself.

The fact that I found a term and communities that fit me unfortunately did not stop my species dysphoria from growing, as it had done so well before. I probably had depression. I haven't been diagnosed, but I did my research and it looks very similar... To feel nothing, not even sadness, only despair. A despair that seeps into a body, to stab the heart and compress the ribcage of its victim. It was horrible, words can't describe it.

I came out of it after months of fighting, alone. I didn't talk about it much to the online community, I felt quite uncomfortable talking about it. I came out, I fell a few times, but a little less deep, I managed to get out quickly. Then I picked up my emotions one by one, sadness first. Even if it's not the best emotion, what a pleasure to feel something!

Then I just felt a huge anxiety. That was also horrible, I'm coming out of it. Alone at first, then with my sister. And yes, I came out to him at the end of October 2024! She supports me and that has helped me a lot.

Now, a year later since I began to seriously questioning myself, I am recovering from all of this. I found some of my emotions again, love not long ago, a little anger, and sometimes I find myself looking forward to something! My hope is reborn, and grows timidly. I am regaining my taste for life, I am rebuilding myself stronger. I have realized how important feeling is, now I savor all those sensations that I have been deprived of all this time. My dysphoria still exists, but I sometimes feel euphoria!

I have (after more than 8 months of research) finally discovered my theriotype! I'm a puma. I'm pretty sure of it.

It helps a lot that my sister supports me, I can be me! Of course she's not a Therian so she doesn't understand everything, but she's interested in my identity and calls my hands "paws"!... It's really too sweet every time she does that I want to cry

It's much better.

I still have some questions to answer about myself, but that doesn't bother me. On the contrary, it makes me want to move forward, to continue this adventure.

My introspection is unlikely to stop, ;)

𖡼𖤣𖥧𖡼𓋼𖤣𖥧𓋼𓍊𖡼𖤣𖥧𖡼𓋼𖤣𖥧𓋼𓍊𖡼𖤣𖥧𖡼𓋼𖤣𖥧𓋼𓍊𖡼𖤣𖥧𖡼𓋼𖤣𖥧𓋼

A big thanks for reading! It was very a bit long I know but oh well I do what I want >:3

[hetalia-club]

Giving you this bc ur like, the only hetalia blog i still follow that still posts. But like.

Okay back in 2018-2019(?) i had a pretty big hetalia phase, i watched hetafacts videos n every episode that was on YouTube, i listened to the music on repeat. It was a major hyperfixation before i knew that i was autistic.

For the longest time after i stopped, engaging with hetalia for some reason i would. Cringe really hard whenever i saw anything hetalia related. Like. On ao3 when you go to search things it tells you how to search things and one i got (and keep getting) is like "hetalia tag:f/f" or something idk how proper ao3 searches work. Id like screenshot it and go to my friends n say "it haunts me" or some shit.

But like recently ive been. Embracing that part of my past? I guess? Like. Almost like coming to terms with it? Idk i started having a less bad reaction n like, realized it probably one of the more normal fandoms i was in. I was, cringe, as all kids are, but i was. Happy.

And then like. At a sleepover a few weeks ago, one thing leads to another and im telling my friend abt the songs and how ich leibe is. Just a recipe, and how i used to listen to almost all of the songs. I show them the clip of France trying to get England to sign a marriage contract, America ordering fucking condoms from Russia.

It has been at least 2 weeks since, and i can feel the hyperfixation coming back, half the music ive been listening too again is hetalia character songs (theyre so fucking good???) and ive been getting. Urges to watch the show and. I dont know how to feel or what to do?? Like. I'm afraid almost to get back into hetalia? Like i watched black butler a while ago, and i realized how. Theres some weird fucking tension between ceil n sebastian n i think im afraid im going to have that same reaction to hetalia?

Cause like there is shit i just completely forgot about. Like. The Bad Touch Trio. And im scared man.

Im sorry to fuckin, give you all of this, but i just. I dont know what to do ig. None of my friends like or used to like hetalia, the one i do info dump hetalia stuff too does not like hetalia and is learning shit about it against their will.

Idk, should i watch the show again? Is it, good? I genuinely can't remember anymore.

Sorry for using ur ask box like a confessional

I mean I’m right there with you man. The sole reason I am still in the Hetalia fandom is because hetalia got me through some real dark chapters and events in my life. I discovered Hetalia years ago in Highschool while with a very abusive ex who had to know everything I was doing at any given time. He wouldn’t let me go anywhere without him there. I tried to break up with him but he actually wouldn’t let me. He would threaten to off himself if I did so I felt bad because his mom was an alcoholic and his houses burned down. I stopped really going anywhere at all because if I did he would come with me and he ruined my relationships with most of my friends just by being ‘the worst’. I stopped cheerleading, I got depression really bad, I started to do terrible in all my classes but I discovered Hetalia while on deviant art and was instantly intrigued. It was like “idk what this is but I will now make it my personality”

Years later while with my most recent abusive Ex that I just broke up with last November I got back into Hetalia when our relationship started to get really bad and hard to cope wit on my own. I needed an escape and something to help me avoid him and no care so much about his insults something that I could think about instead of being sad all the time. Hetalia is something that just brings me joy. Instead of venting to people, getting therapy or increasing my meds Hetalia was just always there to go back to and escape. No idea what it is about it. Won’t go into details about the relationship, it’s irrelevant right now but I’m sure you can guess.

To answer your question, no Hetalia isn’t ‘good’ it makes zero sense and is confusing as hell. But for me it’s fun to use as a spring board for basically any kind of AU I could think up. The characters can fit into any type of situation you want to shove them in.

I would say give it a rewatch, as much as you want anyway. What is the worst that could happen? You continue an interest that brought you joy? Worst case. You are a bit cringe? Who cares if you are cringe if you are happy? Also not encouraging you to live a double life but if you are embarrassed to like Hetalia you don’t actually have to tell anyone how obsessed with it you are. No one but my ex knows how much I like Hetalia and he really has no idea just how deep I am in this shit. But if people knowing about one of your interests humiliates you then just don’t share it. At the end of the day it’s your comfort and it makes you happy it’s no one’s business.

There are a lot of old fandom tropes that have disappears the BTT being one of them. They put them as a group still but I guess they call it ‘bad friends ti’ now. There are still some things that make me side eye. But that’s every fandom I feel. You can choose who you wish to associate with and who you want to block or avoid. It’s your blog you don’t own an explanation to anyone.

Personally I don’t interact much with the people of the fandom itself I got a few people it talk to every now and again but really i just do my own thing. I write my own fics for myself. I got my little tumblr, discord and TikTok, I post about my little AUs and dumb thoughts and continue on. If people want to follow me that’s great, welcome. If they don’t that’s cool to!

Thanks for sticking around with me even after your Interest in Hetalia fizzled out tho haha! That had to be difficult I am very annoying at times I’m sure 😭.

Again worst thing that could happen than if you are a bit cringe. But not being cringe is boring as hell. Irl I’m one of the most normal bitches you could find. Carbon copy white girl. Absolutely no one would guess I were a Hetalia obsessed loser irl. In a line up you could not pick me out and guess my interests. So in February I got my hair done right? I got like. 500 dollar biolage it fades from brown to strawberry blonde. Want to know the reason I got this hair style? Because of Italy that’s why. I wanted red hair like him. Did I tell anyone that? No. When people said they liked my hair and asked me why I went red I would just go “idk just felt like it” but I would be thinking about him knowing the real answer.

Good luck anon, if you stick around welcome back the water is fine. If you don’t can you toss me that life vest up there if you don’t mind? Thank you!

[bluravenite]

I have not in fact finished rendering anything since November...

D&D OC art, my changeling unmasked and as a drow with his former elven partner, as well as dracula(? Astarion bite fanart(? because I have a whole timeline with him and a whole separate timeline with gale.

No tags on this one idc too much, rant ahead ↓

Last year started alright, I graduated with an Associates degree of arts before I decided to take a break from school because of burnout, and commissions were going really well, but as is social media, it can burn people out and if you make the wrong comments people will get angry at you.

That's always a learning experience and I don't expect to be able to handle those emotions, I'm only 20 and severely stressed and overwhelmed all the time, I struggle a lot with people online but I adore forming connections regardless. In that same tone I've been running my own D&D campaign for my irl friends, and that's been going wonderfully, it combines all my favorite things into one game.

Still I have a hard time with art, It hasn't been easy at all, and while I miss ghost art I don't know if I can be expected to return to it. I still get very triggered when I see kink or angst content relating to the issues that I have dealt with this past year, which is why I originally distanced myself from the fandom.

Grief also doesn't help but fortunately I am not someone who grieves too outwardly, still it takes a toll on my emotions and my trust with other people and myself, so healing takes it's time. even if it can feel lonely and isolating, I am grateful to have my friends, and my mom's support, even if she's not an ideal mother she has always encouraged me creatively.

I will open commissions soon, but I will not be doing elaborate stuff, no backgrounds, no full body/character sheets, no more than two characters, and with extended time frames, because I can't risk burning myself out again.

I mayyyy also think about some adoptable d&d NPCs, we shall see.

Thank you all for sticking with me through this rough end of the year 😮‍💨 I hope the new one is not so shitty in the end.

And please for the love of all godly and ungodly, just a gentle reminder that when people ask for tags and content filtering it isn't from a place of disgust or hatred towards the content creator, but rather personal safety. some of us are just going through rough patches and that content can hurt us even if it's not meant to. I love you all and I appreciate all of you who did listen and do tag your content, I see you and I thank you.

[axofluff]

✩ Get to know Alex ✩

*.·:·.✧ Welcome to my about me! ✧.·:·.*

➸ This post will let you know all the stuff you need to know about the author behind this post! Me! :D ♡⸜(˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝ ➸ I wanted to make an official one since my old one isn't to my style anymore ➸ If you still have any questions after this, feel free to ask me anything in my dm's or AMA! (づ˶•༝•˶)づ♡ Happy reading!

Hi there! I see you've stumbled across my tumblr page! (・ω・) ✦ My name is Alex and I'm a small writer here! I've been writing ever since I was 12. My grandma introduced me to books and ever since then I've always had my nose stuck in a novel about some mystical far away land. ✦ I mostly write oneshots and fanfics but I do have my own works which I sadly deleted or no longer continued as I wasn't happy with them (｡•́︿•̀｡). ✦ I started off on Wattpad with writing Twilight fanfic and I developed my basic writing skills from there. I may move my work over to a03 but I currently like Tumblr's UI and how I can link my stuff under one blog so it's easier for people to find my work. ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ✦ I am 19 as of writing this and I live in England in the UK! I speak only English, although I want to learn Italian at some point since I love the history and culture of the roman empire. It's been my special interest ever since I played Assassin's creed 2 back on my xbox 360.

✦ I am autistic and I have ADHD so my attention span is less then a goldfish. I have a lot of special interests such as space, the paranormal and history. I also have a huge soft spot for aviation and the military, mostly because I am a huge fan of Top gun and ever since then I've been interested in jets. ✦ I've been in too many interests to honestly label at this point but my mains being; Call of Duty, Detroit: Become Human, Red Dead Redemption and Spiderman. I'm also a huge fan of the game Death stranding and Assassin's creed. I have also dabbled a bit in the Apex Legends fandom as I played a large chunk of the game last year. ✦ I have hobbies outside of writing such as going biking, walking, reading, sketching, arts and crafts and video games. I also love to play chess when I have the chance. ✦ I kin characters a lot, my main being Konig from CoD, Wattson from Apex Legends and Pavitr from Spiderman/ I tend to kin characters that share the same qualities as me. They also bring me a sense of comfort. ૮ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ა ✦ My music taste is currently a massive heap. I listen to all sorts but I'll label some of my favorite artists ✧˖*°࿐The Weeknd ✧˖*°࿐Childish Gambino ✧˖*°࿐ Kendrick Lamar ✧˖*°࿐ Twenty One Pilots ✧˖*°࿐Radiohead ✧˖*°࿐Slipknot ✧˖*°࿐The neighborhood ✧˖*°࿐Arctic Monkeys ✧˖*°࿐Lady Gaga ✧˖*°࿐NF ✧˖*°࿐Rammenstien ✧˖*°࿐AC/DC ✧˖*°࿐Porter Robinson ✧˖*°࿐Post Malone ✧˖*°࿐Coldplay ✧˖*°࿐Avicii You can find my spotify here to find all my music tastes and what not ৻( •̀ ᗜ •́ ৻) Some simple facts about me •⩊• ✩ Name(s): Alex/Tobias/ axofluff ✩ Birthday: 8th November 2003 ✩ Pronouns: All! ✩ Gender: Bigender trans masc but atm its just c o n f u s i o n, I'm still exploring who I am so this is most likely to change .

✩Favorite food: I love chinese takeout's, Pizza and Ramen ✩Favorite animals: I love cats, sharks and kangaroos

✩Favorite colour: Mint green ✩Favorite show: The dragon prince on Netflix ✩Favorite Song: United in grief by Kendrick Lamar ✩Favorite icecream: Mint chocolate chip

This may be updated in the future if I feel the need to add more to the blog! Thank you all for reading! "૮₍ ˶•⤙•˶ ₎ა Remember you are loved and stay hydrated and eat something today if you haven't already ⸜(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝♡ MWA! Have a great rest of your day! <3

[bitter-sweet-coffee]

Henlo! I'm curious what your fave Sonic character(s) is ^^ and do you have any headcanons for them?

oh boy! okay i'm going to do my best to answer this but i have been in this fandom forever and could write a dissertation on just like,,, one character. so instead i'll sparknote some cute things about my top 4 and if you want to hear a more elaborate response i can do separate posts for each of them! it was hard enough to pick a couple characters since i love them all 😊

1) espio the chameleon

i love this little purple man so much oh my god. for starters, i'd like to think he isn't as serious as a lot of people make him out to be. yeah he seems chill but let's be real, he's arrogant and i love every second of it! he definitely radiates hot topic vibes but we're talking ronnie radke, hollywood undead vibes. definitely an e-boy but not in the fake alt way, he just radiates soft-grunge vibes? he's bisexual with a male lean and definitely dated mighty at some point, but i personally ship him with wave (more on that in a second!) his best friend is silver (i ship them too tbh) but his friends are rouge and shadow for the most part. he's the character closest to shadow (personality wise, not emotional proximity) and i adore their interactions in shadow's game so i sorta ship them too...? ahhh this is supposed to be about headcanons! anyways, i think he's fun to be around and has a thing for people with good stories to tell: wave about the past, silver about the future, and rouge/shadow with the present as agents. i think the cooperation between the chaotix detective agency and GUN is something people should write more often! oh, and he likes green tea boba ✨

2) wave the swallow

god, she made me realize i like girls and i still absolutely adore her. it was taken down but at one point years ago, her birthday was listed as november 11th which makes her a scorpio, and as a fellow scorpio i stand by it! she's also definitely bi but with a female lean, and her best friend/occasional partner is rouge. they remind me of maddy and cassie from euphoria, but wave isn't as bitter as maddy ofc. i feel like people forget that storm and jet are pretty damn incompetent without her, she literally does everything for them and that's a big nod to her people pleasing. yeah she's arrogant, but she's not wrong in being self absorbed because she keeps things running! she radiates hayley kiyoko, p!nk, 100gecs, and paramore vibes. she's a baddie but a softie! i think her and espio would be amazing together (even platonically) because he loves learning and debates, and she has a lot to say and needs someone to respond, as opposed to zoning out. i feel like she could be a famous rollerskater on tiktok or something, and would have her own line of custom gear! she might be cold and competitive, but she's really sweet and just has no way of expressing it... poor girl. i think her and sonic could be amazing friends, and i'd love to see more art of them being pals and going on adventures together!

3. shadow the hedgehog

hehehehehe oh boy, as the current love interest of my fixation character, shadow is getting more attention than usual these days! i always liked him but my fave boy and girl were espio and wave for the longest time, so finally getting to fixate on shadow is great for me! shadow is neurodivergent, basically in canon. his memory issues are both trauma related and just a part of his programming. something that i admire about espio and shadow being friends is that the former loves authority and doesn't need it, but the latter despises it but needs it. shadow was created to obey, and so even if GUN wrongs him a thousand times, he needs them. it's why he keeps going back to eggman, and helps sonic when asked. shadow might not admit it, but he has a saviour complex! although i agree that with modern music he'd listen to like mcr and pierce the veil etc, i think he'd also resonate with sex pistols and other music from the decades he missed while in stasis (footloose is probably one of his fave movies just because of the killer soundtrack!) he loves flowers and does his best to take care of plants, has nervous tics, and the reason his quills turn upwards is because of all the chaos energy he has! super sonic's quills turn up when transformed, and shadow is constantly tapped into that energy: even with inhibitors it's a lot to manage. shadow also loves reading, and i think his favourite book would be The Wars by Timothy Findley (amazing read, please check it out because it reminds me so much of Shadow oh my god)

4. INFINITE!!!

okay i have to keep this one short but he is currently my favourite character, and i could talk about him forever. i know SEGA claims his real name is Infinite, but i headcanon that in the village he came from he wasn't given a name because he was considered a burden and a curse (due to his heterochromia and other reasons). for me he was called araperi or ara (nothing/no in Georgian) because they only referred to him via negative reinforcement. the scar on his eye is because either he or another jackal tried to claw it out when he was little because it made him an outcast and he wanted to belong. he only started school when he was in highschool and never really learned how to read english (i base a lot of his village lore around Georgia and my experiences with Georgian culture- even though my culture was erased when i got adopted lol). he only learned english through musical theatre, and is fluent but not very literate in english (can't read or write very well). he radiates younger sibling vibes so i headcanon that he has 4 older sisters who all treated him pretty bad on varying levels. after a year or two of highschool he ran away with some friends and after meeting more nomads, squad jackal was eventually formed! infinite (or finn as i sometimes call him) was definitely into theatre (his favourite musical being sweeney todd) and he's an AMAZING singer, acting too (which is sorta canon because he adopted shadow's personality and fighting style after their first encounter and rehearsed a whole monologue lmao). his singing voice sounds like clem turner's but with a bit more rasp, probably because i feel like he'd listen to bring me the horizon and kim dracula! infinite is actually a big puppy once he likes you, he's just secretly awkward and insecure as hell (maybe the last part isn't a secret, haha)

wow, this was longer than expected and i feel like i hardly said anything, but this is sorta where i'm at with these four! i could talk about them forever though, so feel free to ask follow ups or request a full post for them, any ships i mentioned (or didn't) or if you want a post about anyone else!

[robinsnest2111]

indirectly tagged by @lampmeeting

it's not part of the original thing but I'm gonna add a silly little self portrait as well~

Questions to get to know you a little better:

1. What do you prefer to be called name wise? Robin or any kind of nickname related to that you can come up with lol Some of my favourites are Rob and Robble

2. When is your birthday? November 21st

3. Where do you live? A little town in Niedersachsen (Lower Saxony), Germany. Known for being the summer residence of a royal bloodline some 200 years ago. Yes there's a castle :P

4. Three things I am doing right now? Trying to forget the nightmare I just woke up from, thinking about getting a few more clementines from the kitchen and fininishing a little sketch I started yesterday

5. Four fandoms that have piqued my interest: Metalocalypse (ofc), Hogan's Heroes, Ghost BC, What We Do In The Shadows. Those are the main 4 at the moment but there's always a chance for other fandoms to take over for a bit.

6. How has the pandemic been treating you? ....yeah. Not so great. My grandma died suddenly at the start of the pandemic, I had to leave my internship I was super happy at early because of lockdown, finished my last semester at college with horrible online classes, had to move back in with my parents, cut contact with someone I've known almost all my life, barely passed my finals, still on the hunt for a job (started applying to places in September) and am close to losing it any day now lol Also pandemic means no flea markets which was one of the few things keeping my brain happy and occupied while giving me a chance to ride my bike around the region for hours :^(((((

7. Song(s) I can’t stop listening to: Sadly no particular song coming to mind right now, but I've had Ghost's entire discography and Dethalbum I, II, and III on rotation for months now lol. This Toss A Coin To Your Witcher Remix has also been stuck in my head for a while and is always worth a listen (Also have some silly techno/hardstyle remixes stuck in my brain permanently because I listened to them as background noise while trying to make my final college projects somewhat decent. Terence Hill & Bud Spencer - Lalalalalala, Da Tweekaz - Jägermeister, Star Wars Hardstyle, DJ Ötzi - Anton aus Tirol, Das Leben des Brian - Schwanzus Longus)

8. Recommend a movie: The Road to El Dorado by Dreamworks, a children's movie, I know... Each song is an absolute banger tho (even the German versions!), the jokes are silly but fun, the queer/gay hints add that little spice that I subconsciously picked up on and felt comforted by as a kid and the design of the everything is just (chef's kiss) Also the chemistry between the 4 main characters is gud as heck. It's the childhood movie I latched on to the most, my mother had to rent the dvd almost every single day until I bought a copy myself lol

9. How old are you? 24 orz I don't feel like it at all...

10. School, university, occupation? Finished college in August, unemployed because no one wants to hire in the creative field during a worldwide plague :^)

11. Do you prefer heat or cold? As long as it's under 35°C I prefer heat. My hands and feet are icicles 95% of the time after losing weight :^(

12. Name one fact others may not know about you? Since I'm an expert oversharer you probably know almost everything about me already orz But uhhh. Lemme see... I learned how to operate a laundry machine at the ripe old age of 20 at my internship at a hair salon lmao My mother never had the nerve to show me how on the modern machine we have at home (along the lines of "you will fuck it up anyways so let me do it >:^(((" which is an overarching theme in her raising me lol), but the older machine with the simpler dials at the salon was a good start to learn and honestly one of the things at this internship I'm still super grateful for...

13. Are you shy? Oh hell yeah I am... It's all the years of getting only negative feedback for trying to interact with others lol

14. Preferred pronouns: He/Him mostly, still figuring out if I still like they/them or nah (since in German there are no neutral pronouns that aren't neopronouns I've automatically gotten more attached to he/him lol)

15. Biggest pet peeves: I feel so mean for admitting it but honestly: Any noises my parents make. If I'm having a particularly bad low brain energy day even hearing them breathe makes me wanna run away and scream in anger... (Doesn't irk me with anyone else tho, which is weird...)

16. What is your favorite "dere" type? Oh there's more than 4 types now?? I've always liked Kuudere types the most out of the original 4 types, but I guess Shundere and Utsudere are right up my alley too!!!

The Kuudere (クーデレ), sometimes written Coodere or Kūdere, type refers to a character who is often cold, blunt, and cynical. They may seem very emotionless on the outside, but on the inside they’re very caring — at least when it comes to the ones they love.

The Shundere (しゅんデレ) type refers to characters who are sad and very depressed. While a full smile on their face might be out of the question, their love interest can help them open up and feel accepted.

The Utsudere (うつデレ) type refers to a character who is often sad and depressed. There is a reason for the character’s despair such as being bullied at school. Even if their life improves, they are often wary of other characters’ motives.

17. Rate your life 1-10? Maybe a 4? 4.5 at max

18. What is your main blog? The one I'm posting this on lol

19. List all your side blogs and what they’re for:

yorkiesart - old as hell and inactive artblog

bleedingheartbird - very triggering and depressing vent blog :^(

yorkie2111 - my very first username, a sea and ocean themed aesthetic blog now mostly for when I miss Denmark a whole lot (kinda inactive)

robinsartnest - a second attempt at a separate art blog, inactive as well lol

20. Is there anything people should know before becoming friends with you? I'm a clusterfuck of several undiagnosed mental illnesses and probably other conditions that I'm trying to figure out and deal with on my own until I can get professional help and some diagnoses. At times I'm weird and distant and overall very depressed and unpleasant, I've already hurt so many people this way and am trying to be better every single day. Basically I've never been given the "How to properly Human" manual and am frantically trying to get it right without hurting too many innocent people in the process.

Anyway, if you are nice to me I will love you forever ♡♡♡ :'3c

idk who to tag so if you wanna do this, do it~

[leoninapelliolovesconchitawurst]

ENGLISH TRANSLATION (by me)

WATSON.DE 22/10/19

https://www.watson.de/unterhaltung/interview/421417472-conchita-wurst-tom-neuwirth-rechnet-mit-esc-conchita-ab-hatte-keinen-spass?utm_source=main

Conchita Wurst gets rid of ESC-art figure: "I was unhappy"

Five years ago, Austrian Tom Neuwirth won the Eurovision Song Contest as Conchita Wurst. But the role of the eccentric diva with beard and wig did not fill him in the long run. Now he returns as a new art figure "Wurst" - with electric and brand new, male appearance. With ‘Watson’ he spoke about rebellion, crisis of meaning, thinking in drawers and finding and seeking personal freedom.

Watson: Tom, we know you as a conchita with a wavy wig and a floor-length dress. Why did you choose to show the public a "Wurst" page that we did not know before?

Conchita Wurst: I felt the need to evolve. Before that I moved too long in the same world for my circumstances. And by that I mean that I locked myself into a set of rules that reduced me to a color of my being. And I call this color the "President's wife".

President's wife?

A president's wife has a certain protocol and can not do many things. And through this years-long reduction of myself, I became unhappy. I understood that I need a challenge, something new. For years I was in the songwriting camp and I thank my record company that I was able to find out to be completely talent free in songwriting (laughs). And then I thought: why don’t I just do the music that I hear privately? And I love electronic music, I love Robyn and Björk. I have found a great team for the new album that understands me, my story and my vision. And although I did not write or compose the songs myself, it has become so much more authentic than much of what I've done before. Or closer to my life.

Did you have any concerns about taking a new path or did you care less about the opinions of others?

When it suddenly became clear what the details should look like, how each mosaic fits into the other, I no longer had the feeling that I had to think about it. I was really very egocentric (laughs). Of course, I'm happy about everyone who likes my music. But I understand that I just have to do more things for myself. Because it's my life - and that's so beautiful. And my manager always says: Only then is it better than perfect. So I'll just do it and throw one dart at a time. We will see which one gets stuck.

Is there a song that has a lot of heart and soul?

I can not commit myself to one. Many songs deal with a specific time in my life. I deliberately refrained from explaining the meaning of each in detail. For the people who hear the music, I do not want to force a picture on them. It's like having read a book and then watching the movie. Then your own world is suddenly gone. That's why I hold myself back and do not say that's what it's about and the other's about that. Because once the child is born, it's not just me anymore and I accept that. But let's put it this way: Every song is intense.

What is the basic message of your songs, like the very striking "hit me"? Do not let anyone restrict you?

Absolutely. Nobody has the right to decide about your life. And that's the point. And yes, many messages are similar to those that were important to me five years ago. By now it may have become a bit more concrete and I am spreading it with more self-confidence.

Were you uncertain in places?

Everyone doubts. But I've stopped apologizing, in public and with my friends. With one caveat: I would apologize if I make mistakes, absolutely. And I do that too. But this album and this whole process has brought me so much closer to myself.

"I was in a situation where I realized I'm not feeling well anymore, I'm not enjoying what I'm doing."

And there is only one way out.

Which one did you choose?

I've worked hard with myself, started therapy, talked to my family and friends, and worked things that were years back and were never properly pronounced. And of course you do not just hear nice things.

And then to take that, to apologize, try to do better, but also to accept that you can not do everything well - that was very liberating.

In what way?

I always try my best - but in some ways I'm just a bit too brisk. And sometimes I'm just a bit too nice. And to realize that as a whole, has given me a whole new sense of security. Because I suddenly knew better where my range of motion lies - what am I sure of and what is not. And knowing that means incredible freedom and that helped me to be more confident. Not only in terms of the music, but also my appearance.

"I stopped wearing wigs, some said it was just marketing, so I just say, F ... you all, I'm still me."

And even if the name changes - at the end of the day it's always wurst (not important). Whether I am more feminine or masculine now, always this kind of thinking - I've stopped thinking about it.

An easy process?

Not at all. Because when I finished the album and it went to the videos, I have even operated drawer thinking. I was so anxious to be masculine. Now I think: There are no rules anymore.

What has changed since your first album five years ago - and what has remained the same?

Of course, the sound has changed and also that I am now much more personal stories in my songs. The fire remained the same. Or let's put it this way: the fire has come back.

Was the flame extinguished?

I knew as a child: I'm a star. I did not care if anyone wants to hear that. And then I lost this self-evidence, I was uncertain for a long time. Now I know again: I am a star. But that's the only thing I can do (laughs). So I focus on it. And to have such a clear positioning and to say: I love myself incredibly, I think I'm gorgeous, I'm funny, I'm talented - to be able to say, but at the same time to say - you are incredibly beautiful and it is so inspiring to listen to you. There is room for everything and everyone. I had to learn that first. This has nothing to do with arrogance, if you think yourself great. I find myself incredibly great - but I also find others incredibly great!

Did you arrive at the end of your journey to self-fulfillment?

No, that's not over yet. There are enough situations in which I manipulate myself and discover: I'm not myself, I'm not relaxed. But jealous, angry, impatient.

Are you pondering a lot?

No, but hello! I think I've improved, just living for the moment. Just after the song contest things came one after the other. And now just sitting here to tell you about me, I can enjoy that. I do not do anything better than talk about myself (laughs). But now I'm anchored here right now and have no stress at all. I could not have done that a few years ago.

What about your plans to film your autobiography?

Of course they are still standing. I also really want to do a musical. I mean, my story: The little boy from the mountains goes to the song contest with a wig - that's a story (laughs)! But the near future also brings a lot of great things. For example, I'm really looking forward to my performance on 2 November at "WUK" in Vienna. Only the cool kids are playing and I'm so happy to be allowed to perform with my band. I'm very curious what people say about "Wurst". And of course I am happy to go on tour again, also in Germany. And if all goes well, I'm still traveling a bit in Europe, that could be very exciting. And then comes a small TV show. So I have a lot to do.

Speaking of which, "Queen of Drag" will start on ProSieben on November 14th. Why did you want to be there?

These kind of requests came very early in my career. But the parameters never were for me. But in that case I could not refuse. I mean, Germany's biggest private station, Prime-Time, 8:15 pm. And the format will both entertain and touch. And I have never seen this range of entertainment, talent, humanity. We laughed and cried while filming. We had such a great time. And of course, I hope that's what the audience sees. And even if not - that was such a beautiful experience for me, nobody can take that from me.

What wishes do you have for you this year as Conchita, Wurst and Tom?

I wish I had at least as much fun as last year. I wish that I spend enough time with my family and friends and also have enough time with me. I want to be challenged and creative and just keep going like before. That would be great. No such bold wishes, or (laughs)?

Conchita or Tom? Wurst!

New album "Truth over Magnitude"

Tom Neuwirth released his debut album "Conchita" in 2015, which took first place in the Austrian album charts and was awarded Platinum. Also his second studio album "From Vienna With Love" achieved gold status in the release week. On October 25, the 30-year-old will be releasing an electric album for the first time with "Truth over Magnitude". From the 14th of November he will be looking for the "Queen of Drags" again as Conchita Wurst, alongside Heidi Klum and Bill Kaulitz on ProSieben.

[elsaclack]

Hi :) This might sound weird haha but I adore reading you talk about your writing, it's really inspiring and I feel like I learn a lot of things every time I read you talk about it (you know I'm a fan of your style haha). And anyways while I was reading your answer to your last anon, this struck me: "when i was outlining that chapter i think the only line i dedicated to the actual fight itself was “and then they have a crazy knife fight (good luck future me)”" and I wanted to ask you (1/2?)

(2/3?) do you have like any tips for writing a multichapters fic? I guess from what you wrote here you outline the whole thing before you start with it? Or it depends or the story and sometimes you just go with the flow and see where it goes haha? Do you mind sharing some of your writing process of multichapter fics? :3 Bc I tend to get "bored" really easily and if I don't finish something in one sitting I usually never ever finish it. But also I'd like to learn how to take my time sometimes

(3/3) and idk maybe learning how to properly "get ready" to write something long would help haha. I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense at all but yeah in any case just thank you for blessing my nights with your fics and killing me over and over with feels, I'm sure I said it before but you (and all of the amazing writers this fandom is blessed with) are a true inspiration!!!

you are SO sweet to me i die fhflkdsjf

i’m gonna go ahead and throw 100% of my answer under the cut because i haven’t even started yet and i know this is about to be. So Long. i am sorry in advance lmao

there are a couple of different aspects to this ask that i want to touch on so i will be as brief as possible but as i have proven twice over tonight alone, i am really not capable of that lmfao

i’d say first and foremost, the biggest thing you can do to help yourself in this arena is figure out how to best discipline yourself. which SUCKS it’s like the worst most mom answer ever but in all honesty, developing discipline in writing is what separates the “i could write a book” people from the people who actually do write books. everyone is capable of writing, but not everyone has the discipline or patience to do so. long-form narrative requires even MORE discipline than a one-shot (or even a long one-shot) because it’s like you said, it requires the author to come back over and over and over again to write new material and edit existing material and figure out a way to cohesively connect everything they’ve written into one consistent narrative, and some people have a much harder time with that than others do. there’s nothing wrong with that either way!! the world needs short stories just as much as it needs longer stories. but if you’re wanting to work on writing longer-form narratives, working out a way to best discipline yourself should probably be your number-one goal.

that kind of brings me to my next point (and also ties in part of what i was talking about in that other ask) - comparing your writing style, your progress, your everything to other writers will only lead to heartache for you. when i first started reading and writing for b99 i came across a specific author (who is now one of my dear friends) whose fics were just. next-level works of art. and while i read through just about everything she’d written for b99 and LOVED every single one of them, i found myself getting more and more down on my own writing, because i knew i’d never be able to write like her. but the more comfortable and confident i got in my own writing, the more i realized that it’s less about writing more like That Person and more about developing my own style (my favorite comparison to make between my writing and hers now is that hers are like beautiful and intricate fairy tales, and mine are more of a smokey back room at a bar where a guy is sitting alone at a table and he says “come here and listen to this story.” they’re both Very Different, and perhaps have varying audiences, but one is not inherently Better Or Worse than the other). all of this to say, if you’re working as hard as you can and being really disciplined but still find yourself struggling with writing a multichap, THAT’S OKAY!!! there’s NOTHING wrong with that!!! your writing, however short or long, serves an INCREDIBLY important purpose within the fandom as a whole and no matter what, there will ALWAYS be an audience for your writing.

so okay as for the actual Advice!!! i actually have a couple of steps that i usually follow prior to actually Writing the first chapter of any long fic i’ve written (or am in the process of writing...@king and lionheart yikes). i have yet to really find any consistency in how i think of ideas for multichaps - so far the idea every multichap i’ve written has come from a different source (which is actually kind of Frustrating for reasons i won’t get into). but basically once i actually have An Idea, i’ll take a day or two to kind of think it over and flesh it out as much as possible. if it really starts expanding in detail and an actual Story constructs itself around the idea, i’ll move on to the next step, which is to find a few trusted mutuals here on tungle.corn and say “heyyYYY CAN I YELL ABOUT AN IDEA I HAVE FOR A SECOND” and then spill everything i’ve thought of so far. usually i can tell if an idea will live or die based on these conversations - if the other person is Into It and we start sort of developing the world within the chat, i know it’s time to really sit down and make an effort to pursue the fic. in that case, i will go and copy&paste that part of our chat into a google doc and i’ll build an outline in a separate doc. i used to despise outlines and i would refuse to do them in high school, but once i got into writing as a hobby and i started pursuing longer narrative forms, i tried once or twice to write a multichap without an outline and i just forgot a lot of the details i originally wanted to include, which left me feeling really frustrated with myself and with my writing. i came to realize that outlines kind of a necessary evil, so in writing them i made them as fun for me as possible (i.e. the “good luck future me” line from the king and lionheart outline i mentioned lmao). now i love them and i have them open at all times while i’m working on writing a new chapter.

so i know that i started this off by saying that writing multichaps requires a special kind of discipline, and i stand by that, but also...writer’s block and real life responsibility and just plain exhaustion are all Very Real Things, and they take precedent over keeping up with a publishing schedule (if you’re so inclined to make one of those for yourself). when i started writing king and lionheart, i didn’t know at that point that i would be headed back to school in the spring, and thought that i would have all the time in the world to write. right around november, i realized that i would be going back to school - that’s about the time i took an unofficial hiatus from writing king and lionheart, because i knew trying to keep up with writing that fic the way that i want it to be written and all of the intensive and demanding coursework was going to kill me. taking a step back from posting and coming back to it later is okay. i know i talk a lot about feeling guilty for not having an update for king and lionheart (and the cancer au before it) but in all honesty i know that it’s okay for me to take some time and deal with my real life. and, you know, it’s also okay to lose inspiration for a while and to take a step back until that inspiration comes back. i think it’s that fear of not being able to take longer breaks between updates that scares a lot of people off from even trying to write a multichap - as the queen of procrastination, i am here to tell you that it is 100% okay to start a multichap and to take a break and come back to it when necessary!

writing a multichap is very much like running a marathon - it requires a different kind of energy than a 400 meter sprint or a 1k fluffy oneshot. it’s gonna hurt and it’s gonna suck and there are gonna be times when you’re ready to just quit writing altogether. but there will be parts that are really fun and really easy and you’re gonna get some really great views along the way - and at the end when you cross that finish line and you’re able to check that “complete” box on ao3 before you post the last chapter, you won’t remember the parts that sucked. trust me!! i wouldn’t write as many as i do if the actual shitty parts of the writing process negated the good things that come from writing it and sharing it with other people!

it’s also worth noting that just because you get bored with an idea doesn’t mean that you can’t pick it up again later!!! honestly the first 2 or 3 paragraphs of on your heart like a tattoo sat in my google docs for MONTHS before i randomly decided one day to open it and take a crack at finishing it, and to this DAY i’m still getting people regularly commenting on it. every idea has its purpose and its place, even if it doesn’t always immediately seem like it.

i really hope this helps and i’m sorry if it doesn’t!!! you are such a kind and wonderful person and i absolutely adore you

[get-a-new-lease-on-life]

A New Lease on Life  -  #51

51: Secrets, Solutions, Certainty  

Hey, Y'all! Long time, no see...again...ahem. Updates have been slowing down for a while and I'm incredibly sorry for it; it just seems like it's going to be going a while longer no matter how irritating it is. TBH, lately Real Life has been about 97% in the crapper and the remaining 3% has been spent hiding from the Flying Crap Fairy because sh*t's STILL hitting the fan. Oy. Seriously, we really need some Flying Crap Fairy repellent because we're apparently good targets. :\ Anyway, I won't bore y'all with details on this latest disaster, but Cold and I are both very lucky to even be alive right now, along with several of our closest neighbors. We came very farking close to NOT being alive anymore recently and, although Cold's shrugged it off with his usual attitude, I've been an absolute mess of nerves. I just haven't had either time or drive to sit down and write lately but hopefully things will ease up soon. (If for some weird reason you want a better explanation, no worries, just PM me on FFnet or one of my usual accounts and I'll fill ya in, no worries. Misery loves company, but Anxiety's even clingier...and no, I do not plan on including this scare in a Blocked installment.)

Anyhoo, a word of warning: this story has, from the start, been an awkward mishmash of the Bay movies universe and a few other 'verses, but as of this chapter, that mish-mash becomes heavier with 'other -verse' than previously. Specifically, we're going to be seeing a lot from the '03 series, but you don't need a good understanding of that series to follow the plot. Not everything's going to be exactly as per that canon because I'm altering some things to better fit the Bay-verse canon. Either way, I hope you'll enjoy, and hope to hear from y'all soon!

Suggested Listening: The Goo Goo Dolls "Iris," Red "Best is Yet to Come," Ashes Remain "On My Own"

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51: Secrets, Solutions, Certainty  

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November 10th, afternoon

Somewhere along the line, Donatello miscalculated; where or when that miscalculation was, he had no earthly idea. All he knew for certain was this: against all odds, the most unlikely of sources brought answers to the conundrum of Amber's strange dreams of home. How this happened, the genius still wasn't sure—his head was still spinning from the unexpected admission from his father and sensei and that was hours ago.

"This…this makes no sense," Donnie muttered digging his fingertips into the bridge of his snout as though warding off a headache. "Amber's having prophetic dreams of her home world…because you saw her past?"

"That's the best explanation I can find," Splinter sighed. "Ordinarily, there should be no lasting effects, harmful or otherwise. Because she is from another reality than our own, the shared meditation technique I used may have inadvertently opened a psychic door to the world she left behind—a door she regrettably is unable to close under her own volition."

"This is insane." Donnie scoffed, his hands dropping to dangle off of his knees. At the time, he was too focused on getting answers to ask how his father could get those answers. Now… "Where did you even hear about that technique, anyway?" he asked. "It's not in any of your books about the martial arts—I checked. Where did you learn about it?"

Splinter hesitated, dark eyes focused somewhere beyond the cup of tea steaming on his low table. Perhaps…yes, the time was now. "Gather your brothers," he told Donnie calmly, "and the two young ladies as well. I hoped to put this off a little longer, but it appears the time has come."

Splinter's life began as a simple lab rat—his future should have been set in stone. Instead, he was freed, mutated, and left to fend for the four young turtles who endured the same testing he did. Every new parent faces struggles, but most will have some semblance of assistance, somewhere to turn when they needed help or advice. Splinter had no such thing…at least not to start with. That eventual assistance, while gravely needed, was something he was never sure how to explain to his boys. Now, he had no choice but to explain and hope they could understand his reasons for keeping it secret.

"You all know my training in Ninjitsu began with the discovery of a book," the aged rat related to the four mutants and two humans crowded around his bedroom. "There is, however, more to the story that I have not told you." As he spoke, he collected the book in question from his shelves and opened it to the very first page, where a cryptic inscription was scribbled in roughly-scrawled Japanese. "The book only provided the barest of essentials in ninjitsu training—one cannot learn something as complex as a martial arts discipline through the written word alone. This inscription contains coded instructions…directions on how to open a portal to another realm commonly called the Battle Nexus."

"The what now?" Leonardo shook his head in denial. "You—" Splinter shot him a stern glance, and he fell silent again.

"The Battle Nexus is a world meant to be accessed by those studying the ancient martial arts," Splinter continued seriously. "The book revealed the basics central to most martial arts disciplines then decoding the inscription therein revealed the Nexus to me. It was in that other realm that I met a powerful master of Ninjitsu—a man by the name of Hamato Yoshi—and studied under him in hopes of keeping you four safe."

"You studied under a master?" Leo repeated in disbelief. "How have we never met him? Until we met April, we were the only ones who ever found the Lair—how were you able to keep such an important visitor secret from us?"

"Master Yoshi never came to our world," Splinter explained. "I always went to his world for training—the moment you boys fell asleep, I left for an hour or two of training…" Here, he shot Michelangelo a stern frown.

"Oh, this is my part!" Mikey grinned excitedly. "Can I tell'em now? Please? Pleasepleaseplease?" Splinter rolled his eyes.

"Tell us what?" Raphael demanded.

"When we were still kids, I caught Sensei sneakin' out once," Mikey explained without once losing his grin. "I woke up to pee and when I came back to bed, I saw him walking through a glowy hole in the wall and followed him. If I told anyone, he would'a put me in the Hashi. You're lookin' at the youngest Battle Nexus Champion ever, Bruhs! OW!" After Splinter's timely brain-duster, Raph and Donnie exchanged a bewildered glance, struggling to comprehend what they were hearing. Last year, they never would have believed Mikey capable of keeping secrets to save his life, but now they had undeniable proof that he could keep them. The Hardy cousins were a sizable secret alone, but interdimensional travel and their father training with a ninja master from another world? That was pushing it.

"I always intended to tell you, my sons, when you became older," Splinter admitted with a sigh. "I just never could find a way to start that conversation…by the time you were old enough to understand, my Master Yoshi was gone, passed away, and I'd become a master myself."

"This…this is a lot to take in," Leo admitted scratching his head. "It's hard to believe you managed to keep this a secret from us so long."

"My son," Splinter asked with deceptive innocence, "which is more unbelievable: that a grumpy old rat has a few secrets left, or that he could learn everything about Ninjitsu from a book?"

Later that afternoon, everything was settled and a plan was developed, and Donatello was diligently studying the steps to opening an interdimensional portal. While he worked out his end, Amber took care of her own. Almost a year after leaving her world behind, that night, she would be going home… Why did that realization frighten her so much? For the moment, she had no answers.

"Amber?" The greeting startled the brunette from her thoughts and she turned to acknowledge the genius hovering in the kitchen doorway. "What did I miss?" She gave a sheepish smile, tugging nervously at one of the many grey locks streaking her hair—those grey locks were now hidden, disguised with bright blue and soft violet dye courtesy of Mercy's handiwork and Kimber's drink mix stash.

"I'm dead in that world," Amber reminded Donnie as he poured himself a cup of stale coffee and invited himself to the table with her. "That me looked pretty different from how I do now but the resemblance is strong enough people might panic. I need'a avoid notice while we're there, an' the easiest way to be ignored is to look like I don't belong."

"That makes absolutely no sense," Donnie remarked dubiously. "If you stand out, wouldn't you be more noticeable?"

"Not in small towns," Amber shrugged, still absently toying with the stray lock of grape violet hair. "I didn't fit in, remember? Because I didn't fit in, I was mostly ignored until Mum set her church cronies on me. If I look like I'm just another glaikit toonser,~ the locals'll trip over'emselves to ignore me~…it's safer bein' outlandish than ordinary when hidin' in a small town." Donnie tore his eyes away from the violet streaking her hair, a faint blush blooming in his cheeks. He wasn't crazy about the raspberry blue streaks, but she wore his color well…yes, purple looked very nice on his Amber.

"If you think it'll work," he sighed turning to stare down into his coffee, "then I'll trust you. You're used to the small town mentality whereas I've never been out of New York state for long." Silence filled the kitchen—cold, uncomfortable silence full of electricity and fear—until one of them was again driven to fill it.

"I'm…afraid." Amber's admission caught the genius off-guard.

"Master says the portal technique is safe, Honey," he reminded gently. "He's taught me everything he can, I'll be bringing notes just in case, and if we're not back in a week, he'll come for us himself. There's no need to be afraid."

"I'm not worried about the portal malfunctioning," she admitted with an embarrassed cringe. "I…" She faltered, took a steadying breath, then soldiered on ahead. "You don't know what I was like in my last life, Dee," she explained nervously. "You know hardly anything about that me, not even what I looked like…an' I'm not foolish enough to assume you'll make it the entire trip without ever catching a glimpse of that me in some bog-awful photo or something. I'm just not lookin' forward to that happening."

"Does it really matter?" His words were blunt but his eyes softened the blow. "It's not the body that matters, remember? The soul in that body is what's important. I highly doubt your previous appearance could have any negative effect on my affection for you." Amber stared him down over her glasses, seemingly searching for any sign he was bluffing.

"Five-foot-three in shoes," she listed off in a deadpan tone. "Over two hundred pounds. Half-crippled at thirty-five an' on the far side of awkward. Constantly slouching because of fused vertebrae. Always tired. Frequently bitching even in a good mood. My hair was almost entirely grey an' startin' to thin an' my ass was big enough to prop a lamp on. Shall I continue?"

"If you wish," he shrugged. "It makes no difference to me—you've already told me most of this and it doesn't bother me." She finally broke eye contact, her eyes sad.

"There's more, though," she admitted softly. "I told you about Aaron…I told you there was no burn there…but it wasn't always like that." Though the admission worried him at first, Donnie patiently waited for her to fill in the blanks. "Mercy an' I met Aaron when we were in grade school, but we didn't really become friends until high school. I had a massive crush on him for years but never got any sign he felt the same an' eventually let it die out."

Unbidden, her memory reminded her of the day she and Aaron found her home destroyed—reminded her of the frantic way he clung to her as the skies broke open overhead. "The day we came back to find Willsdale in ruins, he kissed me...I thought he was just tryin' to calm me down, but Mercy…" She choked up, shaking her head bitterly. "What Mercy told me today suggests otherwise. If we somehow manage to make it there before he's done'imself harm, I can't guarantee how he'll react to seein' me."

Donatello considered her posture silently a moment, thinking over her confession. "You told me you love him," he reminded solemnly, "as a friend, not as a lover."

"That's correct—he's practically my brother."

"Then you're not worried about how you'll react to seeing him, only that I'll get jealous if he gets too close?" She winced.

"You know, when ya put it like that, it sounds ridiculous," she admitted under her breath.

"That's because it is ridiculous," he teased saluting her with his mug. "Real men don't mind other men coveting their lovers, only their lovers coveting other men."* Amber laughed and gave him a cheeky smile.

"Someone's been readin' Jane Austen, huh?" she teased. "An' here I thought you were more 1984 than Northanger Abbey." Her smile faded somewhat and she turned back to her tea. "I'll be honest with ya, Speccy…I don't see this goin' well. I'm dead in that world—we can't just expect that I'll be able to go back without any repercussions, even for a short time." Donnie studied her silently—from her brightly dyed hair to the faded traces of ink visible peeking up over her modest neckline—intent on burning the moment in his memory.

"You're worried about your loved ones," he reminded gently, "and until you know they're safe, you'll keep worrying about them until it breaks you." She nodded weakly. "I refuse to watch that happen, Amber, not when I can do something to prevent it." He reached out, clasping a supportive hand on her shoulder, and she looked up to meet his eyes over her glasses. "I won't let anything happen to you," the genius swore tucking a raspberry blue lock behind her ear. "Did you call the pizza parlor?" She blinked at him in confusion, but a moment later caught up.

"Yeah," she mumbled back. "I got a week unpaid to take care of my 'family emergency' but they're cuttin' my hours for the rest of the month over it…an' if I'm not there early on my first day back I'm fired. Never thought I'd say it, but my boss is even more of a dobber~ than my Da." She shrugged, torn between a smile and a cringe. "We shouldn't need a whole week—shouldn't even need more'n a few days—but I packed extra just in case." A frustrated sigh in the doorway drew the couple's attention—Mercy hesitated on the threshold, visibly torn. "What's wrong, Merse?" Amber asked the blonde. Mercy fidgeted, mussed her hair, then soldiered forward.

"I'm not goin' with ya." Donnie blinked in surprise.

"We didn't expect ya to," Amber answered her friend slowly. "If—"

"Good," Mercy cut her off brusquely, "as long as we're clear on that. That world's got nothin' left fer me, an' I ain't goin' back." Amber and Donnie exchanged a confused glance, both hoping the other had answers and both disappointed to find they didn't. Recognizing their confusion, Mercy rolled her eyes and stalked over to the fridge to pour herself a glass of iced tea. "Asshat's sulking," she grumbled fishing out a tall glass. "He thinks I'm goin' back an' won't listen when I tell'im I ain't. If y'all have everythin' together, please just get goin' before he demands to go with." Donnie couldn't quite stifle the snort of laughter that burst up his throat, and it earned him a sharp glare from the blonde. "Git."~

"Well," Amber chuckled nervously pushing herself back from the table. "You heard the lady…guess it's time to get a move on, huh? Mind grabbin' the bags?" With a quick peck on the cheek, Donnie ducked out to collect the packed duffle bag and carry-on from his room, leaving Amber and Mercy alone in the kitchen. "I understand yer reasons for not wantin' to go," Amber said softly, "an' I respect them. Is there anythin' you want us to do fer ya while we're there? Anyone ya want checked on?" Mercy avoided her eyes.

"You know the answer to that," the blonde muttered dropping into Donnie's vacated chair. "The only people I ever really had any interaction with were you an' yer family, Aaron, an' my family…an' all that's left of my family's Ma. Anythin' material we were able to save from the ranch is gonna be with her, too, an' I ain't sendin' ya after anything. Better that ya don't have to deal with her."

"Mercy." The blonde looked up, blue eyes wide and nervous, and registered her friend's tired eyes. "It's alright to wonder…it's alright to wanna know she's safe, even after everything she did to you." Mercy grimaced, staring through the table before her.

"That obvious, huh?" she asked with a bitter sneer.

"Only to me," the brunette admitted settling back in her own chair. "I know you too well to not notice, Hon…an' I understand."

Mercy thought hard over her friend's words, distractedly reaching up for the beaded chain around her neck; just as the night Raphael's temper sent her fleeing to the park, she fiddled with the foiled sobriety chip dangling from it. It wasn't the same chip she wore when she and Donatello finally broke down and talked one-to-one—after all, she was well beyond her fourth month sober now, coming up on her ninth. Clarity Ross never even made it nine days without a drink… Denim blue eyes darted down to the metallic red chip in her grasp, contemplating it silently. Her mind made up, she twisted the chip free of the flimsy jump ring it hung from and tossed it to Amber.

"Ma had Ellis buried in the family plot," the blonde stated seriously. "He'd want to know I'm alright…please leave that for'im?" Amber visibly hesitated. "I'll be gettin' another one soon, anyway…I'm nine months sober next Friday." Mercy's lips quirked up in a humorless smile. "If you wanna check on Ma while you're there, I won't argue."

"Are you ready to go?" Donnie's voice in the doorway startled the two women, and, realizing he interrupted them, he gave them a sheepish smile.

"Yeah," Amber answered, then accepted the red foiled chip from Mercy and wrapped her in a tight hug. "I'll get this to'im…'til we're back, I'm countin' on you to keep everyone in line, a'right?" Mercy smirked and gave her friend a confident nod.

The odd family gathered in the hallway to the repurposed Barracks to bid their farewells; only Raphael was absent from the send-off, and Mercy was sure this was no coincidence. Armed with chalk and detailed notes, Donatello carefully scribbled the ceremonial seals on the concrete wall before him, all the while muttering a quickly memorized chant. With the last stroke and the final word, the pasty white lines began glowing with a bright unearthly light then vanished entirely…along with the concrete. A pitch black void yawned before them, not even a speck of light to be seen. He turned to Amber, swallowing down his nerves. "This part's your job," he explained quietly.

"What?" Amber squeaked in surprise, her eyes shooting over to meet Splinter's.

"Ordinarily," the older mutant explained patiently, "this ceremony would open a door directly to the Battle Nexus, but the destination can be altered through focused intent." The brunette turned to Donnie in confusion but he had no answers, so she turned back to Splinter. "Visualize the place you wish to arrive in," Splinter explained with a slight frown. "In your mind's eye, contemplate a location where your arrival will be both safe and unseen, in as much detail as possible." Amber glanced over at Mercy.

"What about the ruins between Aaron's house and your step-dahd's Ranch?" the brunette asked the blonde curiously. "Were they still standin' after the storms?" Mercy nodded in agreement, and Amber turned back to Donnie. "The ruins then—the area's been abandoned since the cabin there burned down—ya never even find any graffiti there, kids're always too scared'a the rumors." With every word, a tiny pinprick of light in the void grew larger and brighter, 'til it seemed like a light at the end of a tunnel. "That's not creepy at all," Amber mumbled edging closer to Donnie.

"Be safe, you two," Leo urged quietly. Donnie and Amber bid their final goodbyes, both worried what they'd find on the other side. With a shared steadying breath, they stepped into the void, following the light to a world apart from their own.

Mercy watched solemnly until their backs vanished into the void, then even longer until the portal in the wall faded back into stained concrete. Long after the others were gone, she still stood there in the hallway, hoping, wondering, and dreading all at once. She couldn't shake the feeling that something was about to go horribly wrong—something about the whole plan to send Amber home to check on their loved ones sent chills down her spine. Eyes focused somewhere beyond the stained concrete wall, she watched, waited, and worried.

Screw this…driving herself up the wall would accomplish nothing. Struggling to clear her mind, the blonde ducked into the barracks to retrieve her boots and a jacket, then stalked out the side door. There was always something to be done in the garden, after all, and not much could clear her mind like yardwork.

In the open doorway to the massive green space the family created from the abandoned Railyard, Mercy paused, eyes locked on a familiar shape crouching beside a bed of freshly transplanted peppers. Raphael…he hadn't heard her, hadn't seen her, and for all intents and purposes, seemed too lost in his own brooding to register her presence. For a moment, she took advantage of her unintentional invisibility—seized it as an opportunity to soak in the sight of him and contemplate her strange and wondrous reactions to seeing him.

Warmth blooming in her stomach—downy fuzz filling her subconscious—sweat-slicked palms and a fluttering pulse—no other man ever drove her so out of her mind that she lost herself at the mere sight of him. Never before had the mere scent of a man's sweat driven her to distraction. Never before had she craved the touch and taste of another the way she craved Raphael. A lifetime ago, she would have let him go, would never have taken a chance on anyone for fear of proving her mother right. In this lifetime, she knew better…in this lifetime she had Raphael and she knew he'd never allow her to be hurt again, not while he still breathed. How did she get so lucky? Over four months had passed since Raphael opened his heart enough to let her in, but still, she didn't have an answer to that question.

Heaven, help me to surrender, she thought silently, eyes locked on the mutant who decided to be a better man for her. Show me mercy an' I'll never ask fer anythin' again.** Before she fell further into reflection, she broke herself loose, grabbed the handles of the rolling mulch bin, and strode confidently toward the mutant ruminating over her peppers. By the time she sank to her knees in the dirt and commenced shoveling out wood chips for the jalapenos, Raph was watching her in mute confusion. She didn't acknowledge him or greet him—when he was ready to talk, he'd do so without her prompting. Sure enough, he soon broke the tense silence.

"When's Donnie an' Amber leavin'?" he asked in a low rumble. Mercy shrugged, methodically heaping mulch around the first plant.

"Ya missed'em," the blonde answered, visibly untroubled. "They're gone—been so about twenty minutes now, I reckon." As she dipped back in for more mulch, Raph studied her seriously, combing through her words for anything that might have been lost in translation. He found nothing…even so, it didn't comfort him any.

"Ya didn't go with'em," the mutant confirmed aloud. "They're goin' back to yer homeworld an' ya didn't go with'em." Denim blue eyes rolled and Mercy shook her head with a long-suffering sigh.

"I told'ja I wasn't goin' with'em," she reminded dryly, but her unaffected expression pinched into a vicious scowl. The plant she was working with had some mild bug damage, from the looks of it, some sort of beetle. "Boris, yer lettin' me down," she grumbled snipping off the damaged foliage. "Start earnin' yer keep or I'm'onna take a can'a Raid after ya, mark my words."~ The massive mutant beside her cringed, well-remembering the huge, hairy wolf spider Mercy named Boris and released into the garden. How he managed to stack up enough bad karma to wind up with a spider-loving woman when he himself fea—er, hated bugs was quite beyond him.

"I don't get it." The grumbled words drew her eyes to his in bemusement. "Dat world's yer home—yer a country gal, Merse, but yer stayin here, in da city…why?" He shook his head with a scoff, quickly riling himself up for a fight. "Ya should'a gone with'em! Ya don't belong here, Kid, ya—" With lightning-fast reflexes, Mercy snatched the trowel out of the mulch bin and whacked him on the shin with it, eliciting a startled shout; the pained bellow was quickly followed by a snarl and scowl as the indignant mutant clutched his stinging shin.

"I told'ja I'm stayin'," she reminded shaking the trowel at him like a scolding finger. "I ain't changin' my mind, not fer all the cows in the world. This's my home now—yer my home now, ya meathead!" Rolling her eyes, she turned back to her task. "Quit tryin'a chase me off before I give ya a reason to want me gone." Raphael stared at her, half stunned, half confused, and entirely speechless; Mercy paid him no mind, instead, falling to grumbling at him under her breath. "I also told'ja they're jus' goin' back to make sure no one's offed'emselves but did'ja listen?~ No, no one ever listens to Mercy!" After a few more grumbled complaints, Raph finally worked up the courage to interrupt.

"Yer sure, Merse?" he asked, hazel eyes sweeping from the frayed knees of her jeans to her messy blonde hair and over every inch between them. "Ya gotta chance to live in da country again—ya could get out'a da city." He shook his head, sinking to his backside on the dirt-strewn concrete and reaching up to dig his fingers into his stiff neck. "If ya stay here, in da city…Babe, I can't give ya everythin' ya deserve, not when we're stuck livin' in da sewers an' subways."

"What exactly is it ya think I deserve?" the blonde demanded, pinning him with her eyes. "Safety? Security? Happiness, love, a reason fer tryin'?"

"All'a dat!" Raph answered flinging one arm wide in exasperation. "All'a dat an'—"~ She cut him off again.

"Ya a'ready gimme all'a that, Raphael,"~ Mercy insisted soberly. "I feel safe with ya—I feel secure in yer home. Ya make me happier'n~ I've ever been, ya gimme a reason to keep tryin' an' keep fightin'…" A faint hint of pink darkened her cheeks and an uncomfortable cringe twisted her naked lips. "As fer love…I love ya, ya love me, an' that's more'n~ I ever thought I'd have. Maybe ya can't gimme cows an' country air more'n once in a while, but yer worth it, ten times over."

Muddy brown darkened the pale skin around his muzzle but he wore a wide, lopsided smirk. Crossing his legs he patted one bulky thigh and when she accepted the invitation his smirk spread into a grin. The peppers, the cows, and the other world were all but forgotten as the two lovers clashed, first at the hips, then at the lips, neither content with being apart.

"I love ya, Raphie," Mercy repeated softly into the crook of his neck, smiling at how his pulse thundered against her lips. "Ain't nothin' gonna change that. Quit waitin' fer me to run off, okay?" A contemplative rumble of acceptance vibrated against her shoulder.

"A'right," Raph accepted soberly, carding his thick fingers through her mussed hair. "I still think ya should go home for a lil' while at least, anyway," he admitted. "Ya got family an' friends dere…it might do ya good ta go back fer a visit, you know, get some closure 'er whateva it is Donnie was talkin' 'bout earlier."

"No." The denial was surprisingly vehement, and he eased her away to study her expression for answers.

"No?" he asked.

"Make that a fuck no," she corrected sourly. "Amber's checkin' on Willis, Raph, an' other'n Willis, the only other person I ever cared about in that world was my Ma…an' there's no way in Hell I'm goin' back to'er again!" The massive mutant said nothing, but Mercy felt that nothing was a rather infuriating way of saying something. "I made that mistake too many times a'ready—I died determined to never go back to'er again!" She winced, reaching up to clutch the ever-present sobriety chip from her necklace, only to recall its absence and let her hand fall uselessly over her knee. "I've finally got the balls to live my own life, Red," she summed up with a weak shrug. "If I go back to'er anyway, I'll have died fer nothin'…an' I can't take that."

Raph considered her words a silent moment, gently petting her messy hair. "I find it hard ta believe ya eva' lacked balls, Kid," he remarked without emphasis. "I gotta feelin' ya had plenty'a will ta fight, jus' like now, but'cha just didn't find nothin' worth fightin' fer."~ A rough, callused fingertip curled under Mercy's pointed chin, urging her to meet the amber eyes a little above hers. "Yer worth fightin' fer," Raph swore leaning down to rest his brow on hers and hold her eyes. "It ain't gotta happen anytime soon, an' ya won't go alone, but someday, ya really need'a face'er again, just ta prove yer stronger'n she is…yer not alone, Sweetheart…ya'll neva be alone again as long's I'm breathin'."

Touched, choking up, Mercy stole his lips in a hungry, wanton kiss, leaning into the scarred palms cupping her jaw and the small of her back. Even as she let her feelings sweep her away and threw herself headlong into the wonder that was Raphael's softer side, she struggled against silent doubt. She'd rather walk barefoot through the hottest depths of Hell than ever see her mother again, but even now, she was held back by the years of abuse she suffered at Clarity's hands. If she never faced Clarity again, never confronted her demons, how could she ever move beyond her fears of intimacy and shame? More so, if she were to face Clarity again, would she emerge stronger than before, or would it entirely break her?

The salty-sweet lips against hers had no answers, and neither did she, but for the moment, she was totally fine with that.

WORDS  

~ A "glaikit toonser" – Scottish slang, glaikit– stupid and toonser – someone from the city. (Compare to cliché 'city-slicker' or Southern 'dumbass Yank.') ~ "the locals'll trip over'emselves to ignore me." – 'The local population will do everything in their power to pretend I don't exist, even if it means making asses of themselves.' Not speaking for EVERY small town, but my experience with small towns has taught me the easiest way to be ignored and left alone is to act like an oblivious tourist. This is ESPECIALLY effective in Cold's hometown—all it takes is being surprised by chickens in the road to render you 'a dumbass Yank' to the local populace, who will then avoid you like the plague. ~ Dobber – Scottish slang for fool, stupid person, or dickhead. She's using the latter definition. ~ Git – Midwestern and Southern slang verb, not Brit-slang insult. When used in a sentence it's just an awkward pronunciation of 'get' [pronounced exactly as written] but when it's used on its own, like in this passage, it's an emphatic insistence that someone leave. Pronounced Gyit or GEE-it with the GEE (Soft g as in gift) shortened and bleeding into the less-emphasized –it. The 't' is usually insinuated rather than enunciated, especially in the Midwest. ~ Boris, yer lettin' me down—Start earnin' yer keep or I'm'onna take a can'a Raid after ya, mark my words. – Boris, you're letting me down—Start eating the bugs or I'll spray you with Raid, (bug killer) just you watch me! (Recall that "Boris the Spider" was named for a song by the same name, by, I believe, The Who.) ~ I also told'ja they're jus' goin' back to make sure no one's offed'emselves~ but did'ja listen? – 'I also told you they're just going back (to Amber and Mercy's world) to make sure no one has killed themselves, but did you listen?' This is a direct reference to Amber's dream of Aaron contemplating drowning himself in 'Wilson's Crick.' ~ All'a dat – all'a dat an' [more] – all of that – all of that and more. ~ Ya a'ready gimme all'a that. – You already give me all of that. ~ Happier'n / more'n / other'n – Happier than / more than / other than. All are Midwestern/Southern-isms. First is pronounced like adding urn to happy, the second and third sound somewhat like MORE-un and UTHER-in. ~ I find it hard ta believe ya eva' lacked balls. – I find it hard to believe you ever lacked [the] balls [to do something.] ~ I gotta feelin' ya had plenty'a will ta fight, jus' like now, but'cha just didn't find nothin' worth fightin' fer. Yer worth fightin' fer. – I've got a feeling you had plenty of will to fight, just like now, but you just couldn't find anything worth fighting for. You're worth fighting for. ~ It ain't gotta happen anytime soon, an' ya won't go alone, but someday, ya really need'a face'er again, just ta prove yer stronger'n she is. – It doesn't have to happen anytime soon, and you won't go there alone, but someday, you really need to face your mother again just to prove you're stronger than she is. ~ Yer not alone, Sweetheart…ya'll neva be alone again as long's I'm breathin'. – You're not alone, Sweetheart…you'll never be alone again as long as I'm breathing. [Alive] Verdict: Raph has a mushy side but it takes some digging to reach it. :3

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Chapter List

[leoninapelliolovesconchitawurst]

ENGLISH TRANSLATION (by me)

WATSON.DE 22/10/19

https://www.watson.de/unterhaltung/interview/421417472-conchita-wurst-tom-neuwirth-rechnet-mit-esc-conchita-ab-hatte-keinen-spass?utm_source=main

Conchita Wurst gets rid of ESC-art figure: "I was unhappy"

Five years ago, Austrian Tom Neuwirth won the Eurovision Song Contest as Conchita Wurst. But the role of the eccentric diva with beard and wig did not fill him in the long run. Now he returns as a new art figure "Wurst" - with electric and brand new, male appearance. With ‘Watson’ he spoke about rebellion, crisis of meaning, thinking in drawers and finding and seeking personal freedom.

Watson: Tom, we know you as a conchita with a wavy wig and a floor-length dress. Why did you choose to show the public a "Wurst" page that we did not know before?

Conchita Wurst: I felt the need to evolve. Before that I moved too long in the same world for my circumstances. And by that I mean that I locked myself into a set of rules that reduced me to a color of my being. And I call this color the "President's wife".

President's wife?

A president's wife has a certain protocol and can not do many things. And through this years-long reduction of myself, I became unhappy. I understood that I need a challenge, something new. For years I was in the songwriting camp and I thank my record company that I was able to find out to be completely talent free in songwriting (laughs). And then I thought: why don’t I just do the music that I hear privately? And I love electronic music, I love Robyn and Björk. I have found a great team for the new album that understands me, my story and my vision. And although I did not write or compose the songs myself, it has become so much more authentic than much of what I've done before. Or closer to my life.

Did you have any concerns about taking a new path or did you care less about the opinions of others?

When it suddenly became clear what the details should look like, how each mosaic fits into the other, I no longer had the feeling that I had to think about it. I was really very egocentric (laughs). Of course, I'm happy about everyone who likes my music. But I understand that I just have to do more things for myself. Because it's my life - and that's so beautiful. And my manager always says: Only then is it better than perfect. So I'll just do it and throw one dart at a time. We will see which one gets stuck.

Is there a song that has a lot of heart and soul?

I can not commit myself to one. Many songs deal with a specific time in my life. I deliberately refrained from explaining the meaning of each in detail. For the people who hear the music, I do not want to force a picture on them. It's like having read a book and then watching the movie. Then your own world is suddenly gone. That's why I hold myself back and do not say that's what it's about and the other's about that. Because once the child is born, it's not just me anymore and I accept that. But let's put it this way: Every song is intense.

What is the basic message of your songs, like the very striking "hit me"? Do not let anyone restrict you?

Absolutely. Nobody has the right to decide about your life. And that's the point. And yes, many messages are similar to those that were important to me five years ago. By now it may have become a bit more concrete and I am spreading it with more self-confidence.

Were you uncertain in places?

Everyone doubts. But I've stopped apologizing, in public and with my friends. With one caveat: I would apologize if I make mistakes, absolutely. And I do that too. But this album and this whole process has brought me so much closer to myself.

"I was in a situation where I realized I'm not feeling well anymore, I'm not enjoying what I'm doing."

And there is only one way out.

Which one did you choose?

I've worked hard with myself, started therapy, talked to my family and friends, and worked things that were years back and were never properly pronounced. And of course you do not just hear nice things.

And then to take that, to apologize, try to do better, but also to accept that you can not do everything well - that was very liberating.

In what way?

I always try my best - but in some ways I'm just a bit too brisk. And sometimes I'm just a bit too nice. And to realize that as a whole, has given me a whole new sense of security. Because I suddenly knew better where my range of motion lies - what am I sure of and what is not. And knowing that means incredible freedom and that helped me to be more confident. Not only in terms of the music, but also my appearance.

"I stopped wearing wigs, some said it was just marketing, so I just say, F ... you all, I'm still me."

And even if the name changes - at the end of the day it's always wurst (not important). Whether I am more feminine or masculine now, always this kind of thinking - I've stopped thinking about it.

An easy process?

Not at all. Because when I finished the album and it went to the videos, I have even operated drawer thinking. I was so anxious to be masculine. Now I think: There are no rules anymore.What has changed since your first album five years ago - and what has remained the same?

Of course, the sound has changed and also that I am now much more personal stories in my songs. The fire remained the same. Or let's put it this way: the fire has come back.

Was the flame extinguished?

I knew as a child: I'm a star. I did not care if anyone wants to hear that. And then I lost this self-evidence, I was uncertain for a long time. Now I know again: I am a star. But that's the only thing I can do (laughs). So I focus on it. And to have such a clear positioning and to say: I love myself incredibly, I think I'm gorgeous, I'm funny, I'm talented - to be able to say, but at the same time to say - you are incredibly beautiful and it is so inspiring to listen to you. There is room for everything and everyone. I had to learn that first. This has nothing to do with arrogance, if you think yourself great. I find myself incredibly great - but I also find others incredibly great!

Did you arrive at the end of your journey to self-fulfillment?

No, that's not over yet. There are enough situations in which I manipulate myself and discover: I'm not myself, I'm not relaxed. But jealous, angry, impatient.

Are you pondering a lot?

No, but hello! I think I've improved, just living for the moment. Just after the song contest things came one after the other. And now just sitting here to tell you about me, I can enjoy that. I do not do anything better than talk about myself (laughs). But now I'm anchored here right now and have no stress at all. I could not have done that a few years ago.

What about your plans to film your autobiography?

Of course they are still standing. I also really want to do a musical. I mean, my story: The little boy from the mountains goes to the song contest with a wig - that's a story (laughs)! But the near future also brings a lot of great things. For example, I'm really looking forward to my performance on 2 November at "WUK" in Vienna. Only the cool kids are playing and I'm so happy to be allowed to perform with my band. I'm very curious what people say about "Wurst". And of course I am happy to go on tour again, also in Germany. And if all goes well, I'm still traveling a bit in Europe, that could be very exciting. And then comes a small TV show. So I have a lot to do.

Speaking of which, "Queen of Drag" will start on ProSieben on November 14th. Why did you want to be there?

These kind of requests came very early in my career. But the parameters never were for me. But in that case I could not refuse. I mean, Germany's biggest private station, Prime-Time, 8:15 pm. And the format will both entertain and touch. And I have never seen this range of entertainment, talent, humanity. We laughed and cried while filming. We had such a great time. And of course, I hope that's what the audience sees. And even if not - that was such a beautiful experience for me, nobody can take that from me.

What wishes do you have for you this year as Conchita, Wurst and Tom?

I wish I had at least as much fun as last year. I wish that I spend enough time with my family and friends and also have enough time with me. I want to be challenged and creative and just keep going like before. That would be great. No such bold wishes, or (laughs)?

Conchita or Tom? Wurst!

New album "Truth over Magnitude"

Tom Neuwirth released his debut album "Conchita" in 2015, which took first place in the Austrian album charts and was awarded Platinum. Also his second studio album "From Vienna With Love" achieved gold status in the release week. On October 25, the 30-year-old will be releasing an electric album for the first time with "Truth over Magnitude". From the 14th of November he will be looking for the "Queen of Drags" again as Conchita Wurst, alongside Heidi Klum and Bill Kaulitz on ProSieben.