#linsteadfiction

[glasgowgirl92-blog]

So, my Cuffs and Cocaine story has a soundtrack!

I’ve made it a collaborative playlist on Spotify, so if you think of anything, you can add to it!

You can find the soundtrack here :)

Thank you for all your support on this! All your messages and reviews make me so happy and more likely to update faster :) x

[glasgowgirl92-blog]

Lullaby - The Call

Okay, so. @queseraone and @letitrainletitsnowbutdontletmego asked for this. So I wrote it. Here is “the incident”. So you might need tissues. Shout out to them for wanting this and a huge shout out to @halsteadpd for being super patient and supportive and giving me a ton of ideas for Millie Halstead. 

Everyone else who reviewed this, reblogged it, liked it? You also rock, because it makes me happy and happy me means more stories for you!

Chapter one, two and three for those who wanna read it, but ya don’t have to! 

The Call

The second that Detective Jay Halstead couldn’t fasten the Kevlar vest securely on his partner, was the second that Detective Erin Lindsey assigned herself to desk duty. She may have only been six months pregnant, but she and Jay had agreed when she returned to Intelligence that if she couldn’t safely go on raids with them, she wouldn’t. At first, she’d argued, but when Jay had pointed out that she couldn’t just think about herself know, that he couldn’t just worry about her that she’d realised that she had to act, and that action was taking her vest off and pulling herself out of the raid.

With a plea for Jay to stay safe, a reassurance from Al that he would be safe and Jay bending to place a kiss on her growing bump sneakily when everyone else had gotten into their cars, earing himself with a head rub and a laugh as he walked away from her.

Which is something that became tradition.

July was always a month that had some kind of drama. The heat, the celebrations, the fireworks and alcohol; usually brought out the worst in people. Which was why, on July 2nd, Erin found herself standing in the garage that Intelligence used  while the rest of the unit readied themselves to go out on a raid.

“You guys are gonna call in SWAT, right?” Erin asked as she watched them gear up; meticulously checking their bullets and guns, then checking each other’s, then checking their own again. Three days from her due date, she really shouldn’t have been there, she should have taken her maternity leave by now; but she had argued the point that all she was doing was answering phones and doing paper work, so what was the issue?

“If we feel the need.” Voight asked, adjusting the straps of his vest, a small shrug of his shoulders.

“Hank, the guy has already killed four cops, you wanna take that risk?” Erin asked incredulously, earning herself a look from Jay, a silent plea to ask her to calm down.

“Well I’m not exactly going to stroll in through the front door, Erin.” Hank chuckled, holstering his weapon. “I’ll assess the situation when I get there.” He reiterated, voice harsher than it was before when Erin opened her mouth to interject.

“Hank—“

“—When you get your stripes, when you lead a team? You can make the call.” Hank held his hand up to signal that the conversation was over and he grabbed the duffle he was holding and took it to his car, Burgess, Atwater and Ruzek following closely behind. When Jay zipped his duffle as Erin paced, silently fuming, Dawson grabbed both his bag and Jay’s and headed to their car.

“Hey,” Al spoke softly, a hand on her shoulder, “Don’t you go worrying about us, we’re gonna be back for that baby shower of yours.” He gave her a lopsided grin, squeezing her shoulder and walking away, leaving Jay and Erin both standing by the table.

“I—“ Erin began, but Jay silenced her with a kiss, his arms wrapping around her and pulling her as close to him as he could, soothingly rubbing her lower back as he gazed down at her. She brought her hands up to grip onto his vest, swallowing hard before speaking again. “Something doesn’t feel right, okay?”

“With the baby?” his eyes were wide, panic in his tone and Erin had to smile, shaking her head at him.

“No, baby and I are fine,” Erin promised him and pressed a kiss to his lips. “This isn’t going to do you any good.” She muttered tugging at the Kevlar vest, eyes filling with tears.

“Babe,” Jay huffed, “you’re assuming this guy is going to get a shot off before I do. I feel like you don’t know me at all.” His voice was light, teasing, trying to make her feel better about the situation.

“Jay, I’m serious.” Erin sighed, “if I could get away with it, I’d ask you to stay.”

“You know I can’t do that, Erin.” Jay told her softly, his fingers kneading at her back. “I wear this badge to serve and protect this city, if a guy is out there with cop killer bullets shooting at random people and I do nothing? I don’t deserve the badge.”

“I know, which is why I wouldn’t ask you to stay.”

“Halstead,” Voight yelled from the driver’s window, “When you’re ready. That would be great.”

Jay turned back to Erin and raised an eyebrow, both of them laughing before he bent to sneak a kiss to her bump; earning himself a head rub and the sweet sound of her laughter as he booked it to Antonio’s car and climbed in the passenger side.

Paperwork was a bitch; but the unit had never been more efficient now that they had someone to run the paperwork and do the write ups. She’d changed the filing system to something more manageable and she’d taken some computer classes in order to be able to build databases that were easily accessible for the unit and their open cases. She’d also rearranged the breakroom, twice – Burgess and Ruzek helped, because she shouldn’t be doing that and Adam was genuinely afraid that Jay might kill him if he let her – the unit had drawn the line when she wanted to rearrange the bullpen, however, because it’s fine the way it is.

Nesting. Platt had told her. She was nesting and Erin had wrinkled her nose and offered to tidy up the rest of the precinct, which she had begun to do before Platt had received complaints that Erin had threatened a couple of rookies when they didn’t put something back properly and had sent her back upstairs. Jay had laughed himself into a coughing fit when Platt relayed the information.

So now, when they went on raids, Erin would listen on the scanner and stay at her desk and do paperwork, or buy baby things, or hunt Pinterest for nursery ideas, or read the numerous parenting books, making notes about the advice. It was silly, she knew, because so far the 12 books she’d read had some widely different opinions on how to raise a child and she was even more lost now than ever.

Jay had taken to playing rap music for the baby whenever he thought she was asleep, so now the bullpen was filled with the sound of Mozart – or was it Bach? – because that was the consensus in the baby books to play to help development. The unit had been gone for over an hour now, and Erin was sure that Hank had to have called in SWAT. So now, to ease that uneasy feeling she’d had since Hank had called the raid and turned Mozart off and the scanner on.

The scanner crackled to life; instructions coming thick and fast; Al’s voice requesting SWAT and Erin smirked because she knew that Voight would kill him for going over his head. As Al relayed their location; the heavy gunfire in the background had Erin’s skin prickling; there were too many shots for them all to be firing at one shooter.

The next thing she heard made her blood run cold. In the background of the transmission she heard Adam screaming Jay’s name; a stuttering silence in the nearby gunfire and then –

“10-1, 10-1, officer down. I repeat, officer down, roll an ambo. Now.” Antonio’s voice filled the airwaves and Erin felt herself go numb, everything else on the scanner white noise. She felt the bile rise in her throat and barely made it to the trash can beside her desk before she was heaving; gasping for breath in between as she clutched the trash can tightly, slipping off the chair and crashing to her knees, as she continued to be sick.

A gentle voice filtered through the fog as she continued to dry heave, body trembling as she fought for control. Soon there was a set of hands pressing a cold compress to both her forehead and her neck, continuing to whisper soothing words. Erin however, was too far gone. She couldn’t stop the shaking, couldn’t stop the cold that was settling into her bones. Jay.

“…when you’re ready, we’ll go.”

Erin raised her head, eyes meeting the person’s eyes who had offered those words. Although it had taken a long time for the words to filter through, Erin knew that Sargent Platt meant that they’d go to the hospital. That Platt would take her, siren’s blaring, to Med. Where Jay would be. Should be. Getting help.

“Easy,” Trudy told her, letting go of the cloths to support Erin as she tried to get up quickly, stumbling back down to her knees again. “You’re fine. It’s going to be fine.” She soothed, slowly sitting Erin up and back onto the chair, opening the bottle of water and handing her it, making sure she sipped slowly.

“I gotta see him,” Erin rasped, her voice huskier than usual, hands trembling as she tried to get the cap back on the bottle before handing it back over to Trudy and slowly standing, grabbing her phone and keys and looking determinedly at the other woman.

“Ready?” Trudy asked and it was only then did Erin notice she already had keys in her hand and her cap on her head. Not trusting her voice, Erin nodded and made to walk towards the stairs, only to have Trudy grab her arm.

“I’m parked in the garage, didn’t think you’d wanna have to face anyone.” She told her and Erin felt sick all over again. It must have shown on her face because Trudy picked up the trashcan and led Erin down stairs.

The scene when they arrived at Med could only be described as chaos. There were officers everywhere, nurses everywhere, people yelling and pushing and multiple people yelling to get Conor down her now.

Erin slowly moved her way through the crowd until Platt caught up and then everyone knew she was there. Platt was loud and efficient, sending everyone who wasn’t directly involved in protection detail away. In seconds, Natalie had made an appearance and the look on her face caused Erin’s knees to give way underneath her.

“Erin, hey, hey Erin.” Natalie and Trudy both grabbed for her, Maggie also appearing as if from nowhere, to help them get her into the staffroom, the closest available room for them to use. “Hey,” Natalie soothed as Erin felt her bottom lip tremble, the sobs she’d been holding down threatening to spill.

“Jay.” It should have been a question; but it came out like a plea and Natalie slipped to the floor, holding onto Erin’s hands and taking a deep breath, “Oh, no. No. Natalie, no.” Erin began to sob then and Natalie pulled her in for a hug, trying to settle her.

“Erin, hey, listen to me.” Natalie tried, leaning back to catch Erin’s eyes. “He’s alive,” Natalie whispered and Erin’s eyes met hers. “Ethan’s got him, Conor is on his way down. He’s got a battle on his hands, but this is Jay we’re talking about.” Natalie told her softly, gripping her hands tightly.

“He’s alive?” Erin asked, hope and disbelief colouring her voice as she tried to search Natalie’s face for any signs that she was lying.

Natalie nodded, “he’s fighting for you. For both of you.” Natalie smiled, her gaze moving to Maggie who was hovering. “Which is why I need you to go with Maggie and get yourself checked over.”

“I wanna see Jay.” Erin insisted, standing up just as the door to the staffroom opened and Antonio entered, covered in what she assumed was Jay’s blood and she let out another sob, her hand clasping over her mouth as she tried to compare herself.

“They’re getting ready to take him upstairs,” Tony’s voice was broken, sounding exactly like Erin felt and Erin knew she had to act fast, moving quickly past Natalie and Tony, yanking the door open and heading for the only room she knew he would be. He wouldn’t be in Trauma 1. Nor would he be in Trauma 2. That wasn’t Choi’s playground. Baghdad, however? That’s the only place he would be if Ethan was treating him and her teammate was covered in that much blood.

She stumbled to a stop when the gurney came out of the room; April pausing causing Conor and Ethan to yell at her and then stop too, turning to face Erin.

“Thirty seconds, Lindsey then we go.” Conor snapped and Erin had to remind herself not to tear him a new one right there and then. She moved towards the gurney and bit her bottom lip, Jay hated to see her cry and he really wasn’t in any position to hold her and make a joke right now. He looked so still. So pale. Long lashes curled against freckled cheeks, blood spattering over his skin. He looked so ­­young and Erin allowed herself a small sob as she leaned down to press a kiss to his lips, not daring to look anywhere other than his face as the baby inside of her began to kick rapidly causing her to press a hand to her stomach.

“Erin,” Ethan said softly, “We really need to get him upstairs if he has any chance—“

Erin cut him off; nodding and then leaning in to press another kiss to Jay’s lips. “Come back to me. To us.”

“We gotta go.” Conor interrupted, moving the gurney and leaving Maggie to peal Erin away and take her to a treatment room.

What Erin didn’t see; was the mess the treatment room Jay had just came out of was in. She didn’t see the blood-soaked sheets, the gauze littering the floor. Nor did she see Will Halstead, covered in blood, his brother’s blood, curled up on the floor in a corner of the room.

The next two days past in a blur. Jay had been shot in the side. The bullet had broken his ribs, punctured his lung, perforated a kidney and had exited his back. Not hitting his heart at they had first feared. The first surgery had gone well. The second hadn’t gone as well as they hoped, leaving Jay needing surgery number three. They had been advised that the first 12 hours were critical. Then the first 24. Then 36. And now 48. Erin, however, didn’t have any more time. Maggie and Natalie had been forcing her to have the baby monitored, to eat, to rest, to drink fluids.

Voight, Dawson, Al…the whole unit had been in and out. Bringing her things, speaking to her. Talking to Jay as he lay in the bed, covered in wires and tubes and blankets. Platt, however, had only left once to pack and bag and shower and then come back. Erin had no idea why she wouldn’t leave, but it had become comforting to know that she’d be there when Natalie and Maggie wouldn’t take no for an answer.

Will however, had been strangely absent.

He hadn’t once visited Jay while he was in ICU and Erin needed to know why. She’d sent Platt looking for him as she sat next to Jay’s bed, holding his hand, reading him the news and relaying the sports stats.

“You know, they’ve cut back on your sedative.” Erin grinned, “You should be waking up.” She told him, “So the fact you’re not, I’m taking it as an insult.”

Erin sighed, leaning in to press a kiss to his hand. “Baby’s due tomorrow, Jay.” She whispered, voice cracking on the words as she fought the tears. “I can’t do this without you. I don’t want to. I could have, I had the choice. I didn’t need to call you, but I did. Jay, you need to wake up. Please.” Erin only stopped talking when she felt the tears fall, wiping them away quickly. She rested her head against his hand, breathing deeply as she shifted against the uncomfortable twinges she’d been having; baby obviously wasn’t comfortable and was giving her indigestion.

She wasn’t sure how long she sat like that; watching him breathe, the steady rise and fall of his chest relaxing her, her fleeting glances to the screen to see that his heart was beating nice and strong. They’d taken him off of the ventilator earlier that day and he was holding his own, keeping his doctors happy and Erin hopeful.

“You wanted to see me,” the voice came from the doorway and Erin’s eyes shot up, Will hovering in the doorway, looking everywhere but at the bed.

“I just wanted to know how you were.” Erin spoke, her head still resting on her and Will’s joined hands, her elbow on the bed.

“Erin,” Will’s voice was much like her own and she smiled sympathetically at him.

“He’s gonna be okay.” She started, “he looks a lot better than she did.” The words were added on, quieter than the first, she turned her head to press another kiss to his hand and Will took a couple of shaky steps into the room, sucking in a breath when he caught sight of his little brother.

He said nothing, but Erin watched as he wrestled with himself, his fight or flight reflex kicking in and he whispered his apologies before leaving the room. Erin sighed and turned to look at Jay again, opening her mouth to speak when the hand in hers gripped onto her and she let out a sob instead.

“It’s okay, babe. Its okay.” She muttered, kissing his hand again as she settled down again, squeezing back.

“I’m not doing this without him,” Erin yelled, her body covered in a sheen of sweat as she gasped in pain, gripping the side of the bed and glaring when Platt offered her a hand. “I want Jay. He needs to be here.”

“Erin, that’s not going to happen. He’s hooked up to so many machines.” Natalie told her from the corner of the room. “He can’t get out of bed and he can’t stay awake for longer than 5 minutes at a time.”

“I’m not doing it.”

“Erin. You don’t have a choice.”

Erin glared at the woman, the searing pain causing her to sob. Shortly after Jay had gripped her hand, he’d opened his eyes and she’d never been so glad to see those baby blues. There had been a flurry of activity and they’d promised him a move to a ward as soon as he was able to sit up comfortably and drink some water. That had been 18 hours ago and Erin now found herself without a birthing partner.

“Get him.” She begged, “please, I need him.” She hated how desperate she sounded. But she couldn’t help herself, she never imagined a world in which she’d need to do this with Jay. Hadn’t thought about children until she’d woken up wrapped up in his arms the first time and found herself thinking about how nice it would be to do that every day.  

“Erin,” Natalie sighed, “the baby is coming now. You have to—“

“Erin!”

All heads swung around to the door, where Will was pushing Jay in a wheelchair, still hooked up to two machines and looking like hell. Natalie glared at Will who shrugged.

“Jay,” Erin sobbed, holding a hand out for his, meaning Will had to try and move the chair towards the bed in such a way that Jay was fully supported but could still hold Erin’s hand properly. Platt was staring in disbelief, but she was first to spring into action, grabbing some pillows to prop Jay up with, making a gagging noise when he kissed Erin.

“I promised I wouldn’t miss this.” He spoke, voice soft, exhaustion etched in every single feature and Erin felt a pang of guilt before another contraction ripped through her causing her to groan and grip his hand. “I’ve never broken a promise to you.” He told her, leaning in to press a kiss to her hand, just as she had been doing to him for the past 2 days.

“Okay, Erin, on the next contraction I want you to push.” The midwife told her and Platt let out another gagging noise, grabbing Will and Natalie and dragging them out of the room, causing Jay to chuckle and then wince in pain.

“I’m here, baby, I got you.” Jay told her, even as it was obvious that he was fighting exhaustion.

The two hours between Jay entering the room and the second that Camille Marie Halstead came screaming into the room were the longest of Erin’s life. She’d taken pity on Jay and allowed him to fall asleep, with the promise of waking him before the baby was born and he never once let go of her hand the entire time.

Erin had woken him up, with the help of the nurse in the room and he’d been there the second that Millie had been born. The second her cries had filled the room, the second that the nurse announced that Erin had given birth to a girl? Erin would never forget that look on Jay’s face, the way his eyes lit up and filled with tears. She’d never seen a look that was so joyful and peaceful that brought tears to her eyes.

Jay had leaned up onto the bed, ignoring the way the nurses chastised him, pressing a kiss to Erin’s lips, tasting both of their tears as he giggled.

“Healthy set of lungs.” Jay joked and Erin nodded, whispering words to the screaming bundle in her arms. “Thank you,” he told her, pressing a kiss to Millie’s head, earning himself a kiss on the head from Erin.

“Thank you for coming back to me.” Erin muttered, smiling at Jay as the nurses began to buzz around to do checks.

“That was never in doubt.” He told her firmly.

“Does daddy want a quick cuddle with the baby right now?” The midwife asked kindly and Jay beamed, nodding and wincing as he settled himself back into the wheelchair with the aid of the nurse. Any fear he may have had about dropping her melted away when she was placed in his arms, and then he couldn’t help himself, his father’s rules be damned. The moment he set eyes on the blue gaze of his daughter, he let the tears freely fall, completely unable to take his eyes off her for a second.

“Welcome to the world, Millie.” He told her, “You’re going to run this joint, I swear.”

Erin leaned back on the pillow and watch her partner whisper promises to their daughter, vowing to love her and support her for as long as he could. It took her a few seconds to work out how the words were familiar. The words to the children’s book he’d been reading her every night, he’d memorized them. Memorized the book, and he was reciting it to their daughter moments after she’d been born and Erin Lindsey found herself falling in love with Jay Halstead all over again.

As long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be.

[glasgowgirl92-blog]

Lullaby: We did Good

A/N: SO! This is the long awaited next chapter wherein Jay is grumpy, Erin is emotional and Will meets his niece for the first time. There is another mini-ficlet that is scheduled to come later tonight for this series due to the fact I said this would be updated last night and it never was! The Playlist will be up tomorrow and then hopefully we’ll be back to our regular schedule of Thursdays and Fridays! 

Huge thank you to everyone who has commented, reblogged, messaged me, liked this series. It gives me life. I will make a master post for this and playlist, but in the meantime, you can find Lullaby, Sleepless in Chicago, The Sass is strong with this One, The Call in the links! I’m open to prompts and these can be read in any order, and you don’t have to read them all! 

I’m going to make a tagging list; so if you want added? Just let me know! 

Here you go; @halsteadpd​, @queseraone​, @erinlindscys​. 

Enjoy!

Erin smiled as she stroked the 5 o’clock shadow across Jay’s jaw, his lashes fluttering open and giving her a breath-taking smile, moving so his head was closer to her, resting on her shoulder as his eyes slipped closed again and the smile slowly faded from his face. She pressed a kiss to his hairline, pulling the blankets up a little higher, making sure he was warm enough. Sharon Goodwin had organized for Jay to be cared for in Erin’s room for the time being, even going so far as to bring in a larger bed. Jay had put up such an argument that it had been decided that he was going to be allowed to stay with his girls due to fear of him actually hurting himself any further.

He’d been in and out of consciousness. The shooting and recovery pulling at his energy reserves, but he’d held himself awake long enough to hold Millie, to call the relevant people, to watch her feed. Jay had been in awe of her, so gentle, so soft. He never raised his voice above a whisper when he spoke to her; and it made Erin’s heart swell at how much he cherished their new addition. She’d been worried that he’d want a boy, someone to carry on the family name, to throw a football around with and kick one around with, too. She knew, though, that Millie would still be able to do all of those things and more, because Jay never seemed like the type to discriminate between boys and girls.

All of Intelligence had been to visit in the past 12 or so hours, Ethan and April had popped up, too. Will had gotten as far as the doorway before his beeper had went off and he’d charged back out of the room. Natalie had also walked into the doorway, but said she was waiting for Will to come any further. So Erin let Jay sleep. She let him rest his head on her shoulder and fall asleep before gently rolling him back onto his back and rolling onto her side to rest her head on his shoulder. Trying to get him to lay on his back was almost impossible, so she’d taken to using him as a body pillow in order to watch Millie as she lay in her crib. That way, Jay could still be hooked up to his IVs and Erin could still be comfortable and have the best view.

This wasn’t her ideal. This wasn’t how she envisioned bringing their child into the world. She’d thought about it, long before Bunny and the FBI. Long before he’d even moved into her apartment. Long before she even realised she wanted children. They’d been working a case, just before Justin had passed away, and one of the suspects was pregnant and her boyfriend had left her high and dry. It had gotten Erin thinking about what would she do if she was pregnant and it had become the topic of conversation with Jay during the stake out.

“If you got someone pregnant, would you leave them?”

“What?” he turned to her, that damn eyebrow raised with the most adorable look of alarm across his face as he looked at her then to her navel and back up.

“If you got a woman pregnant would you leave?” There was a pause and she swore that all colour had drained from his face before she sighed, “I’m not pregnant Jay, I’m thinking about Tasha.”

“Oh.” He was quiet for a few minutes. “I’d be there; even if I wasn’t with the woman.” His voice was deceptively soft and Erin studied him. “I’d be around, be there to help. I couldn’t be an absent father. Kids need two parents in their lives.” He looked like he was going to say more; but movement caught his attention and he’d smirked, radioing in asking permission to take them down.

Erin smiled at the memory, how honest he’d been and how she’d believed him whole heartedly. The thought rose unbidden into her mind of the fact he was here too because he’d been shot, the sheer amount of blood he’d been covered in. She was so lost in her thoughts that she didn’t feel the bed shift or the soft hand on her face.

“Hey, Erin, babe, what is it?” his sleep roughened voice pulled her out of her thoughts as he softly wiped the tears from her eyes, wincing as he turned, glaring when she pushed him onto his back again.

“Nothing, hormones.” She tried to wave him off, sniffling and moving closer to him so he didn’t have the option other than to lay there. It didn’t stop him frowning and pulling her down for a soft kiss, though, nor did it stop him moving his arm to wrap around her and hold her close to him.

“Talk to me, we promised that there would be no secrets this time around.” Jay whispered softly against her head, pressing a kiss to her hair when she tried to speak. “I know a woman’s hormones are nuts right after the birth, I know that all the books said so, but there’s something in this. I know you Erin Lindsey.” He told her emphatically, allowing her to lift her head to look at him, so much emotion shining in her eyes and he smiled at her.

“I could have lost you. We could have lost you.” She told him, glancing over at the sleeping baby in the cot, a fresh set of tears spilling down her cheeks and over his fingers, causing him to bring his other hand to his hairline and move, the fact that she didn’t fight him this time proving the only way he managed to sit up and gently pull her into him.

“You didn’t,” Jay shook his head, “you didn’t lose me.” He promised her with a soft kiss, “All I could think about was you and how I needed to get back to you. I tried to get up,” there was a strange look in his eye, one that was far away but close at hand at the same time; as though he was trying to remember something that was a ghost in his imagination.

“You remember that?” She asked. She’d been asking for details, but no-one would tell her what had happened, how Jay had taken two to the chest. How the bullets had been cop killers. She’d tried to get it from anyone and everyone she could think of, tried to access the reports, but she’d been denied at every turn.

“Not all of it.” Jay shrugged, running his fingers through the length of her pony tail. “I don’t remember getting hit,” he shook his head. “I do remember hitting the ground, then everything is spotty. Tony was there, he looked pretty rough. I remember SWAT and the Ambo getting there the same time. I remember you speaking to me.” He frowned again and Erin blinked, she hadn’t spoken to him until he was on his way to the theatre, he’d been unconscious then.

“What did I say?” Erin asked softly, bring her hand up to trace Jay’s lips, a grin on her face at the fact that he remembered, that he’d come back to her because she’d asked him to.

“Uhh,” Jay bit his lip, trying hard to focus and concentrate, but it was evident that he didn’t know, he couldn’t pull that information from the fog. “All I know is, you were there and then I woke up.” He shrugged again, and Erin opened her mouth to speak before there was a knock at the door, causing her to turn around and Jay to try and see over her.

“I hope we’re not interrupting anything.” Natalie’s voice carried over the room and Erin shook her head, turning to sit next to Jay in the bed, a huge smile on her face as Natalie and Will entered the room, both with a couple of bags of gifts, flowers and balloons in their hands.

“I’m here to give Jay his next batch of injections.” Will told her. He’d yet to call them shots and it was clear why, he still hadn’t been able to come too close to Jay without looking terrified.

“Bite me.” Jay grumbled, moving around in the bed to wrap an arm around Erin, already sounding exhausted and Erin’s heart went out to him. She was exhausted, but so wired that she didn’t think she’d sleep for a month.

“How are you feeling?” Natalie asked, directing her question to both of them as she approached the bed, placing her bags on the table to lean in and give Erin a hug, moving around the bed to hug Jay, then beginning to assess his injuries again, Jay letting her because Erin had taken his hand and shot him a warning look.

“I’m good,” Jay said around a yawn and Natalie laughed and nodded, “I mean, you’re getting there, but you’re in much better shape. You’re a lucky man, Jay.” She told him with a soft smile.

“Most days,” Erin interjected, reaching for the bag of gifts, making room for Will to place the bags he’d brought along. Natalie laughed and shook her head, before moving over to the cot and gasping. “She’s gorgeous.” She said, eyes wide. “Can I?”

Erin wanted to say no; wanted to tell her to leave the baby and let her sleep, but there was something about the way Natalie was smiling at their daughter, something about the fact that she’d been there for Erin the second that Erin had arrived in the hospital that had her nodding and curling into Jay’s side, watching him watching Natalie lift Millie, the way his entire body tensed until the doctor had her cradled against her and she had sat down in the chair, holding Millie carefully but securely. Only then did he relax a little, making Erin smile and lean in to press a kiss to his cheek. If this is how he reacted to professionals, how would he react when Kevin and Adam eventually plucked up the courage to ask them to hold her?

“She’s so sweet,” Natalie was saying and it was only then that Erin noticed Will standing stiffly at the bottom of the bed, hands in his pockets, saying nothing.

“She is,” Jay agreed, and Erin watched as his eyes flicked between his daughter and his younger brother. “I uh,” he cleared his throat. “We uh,” Jay bit his bottom lip and Erin gave his hand a squeeze, a reassuring gesture to help him find the words. “Um, Mom’s name is Millie’s middle name.” Jay’s voice was so calm, but Erin felt him tense again with Will moved and she had to turn to rest her head against his shoulder to give her time to compose herself, so she wouldn’t break down in tears at the obvious fear apparent in her partner’s body; what was he afraid of?

Will was silent for a long time, just staring at the tiny bundle in Natalie’s arms. He opened his mouth to speak, but cleared his throat instead. “Mom would be proud.” He said eventually and Erin felt more than heard the gasp Jay took, but the only audible sound had her heart breaking at the sheer pain it caused Jay. “She’d be so proud of you,” Will’s voice caught and he cleared his throat again. “Gotta change your IV.” He said quickly, producing a bag from his pocket.

Jay nodded and Erin shuffled, moving slightly to let Jay lift his arm, his hand a death grip in hers and she knew he was using her as an anchor. Will was efficient as he changed the bag of pain killer that was up on the pole, changed the setting on the machine, lessening the dose slightly through some unspoken exchange that Erin could only see one side of.

“You need to hold her, Will.” Natalie stated from the corner of the room where she was busy fussing over Millie, kissing her little fist and talking to her.

“I’m good.” Will commented, shaking his head as he cleared Jay’s old bag away and moved the presents over to the others.

“She’s your niece, we need to get a picture with you guys.” Erin stated, slowly climbing out of the bed to snap a picture of Natalie and Millie.

“I’ll just crouch next to the chair.” Will said as he turned, crouching down and letting Erin snap the picture.

“That’s cute and all, but she needs a picture with just you.” Erin told him pointedly and she turned to look at Jay as Natalie stood, his entire body going rigid again as he tried to see around Erin to what was happening. Erin stepped to the side to give him a clear view, counting in her head how long he’d been holding his breath by the time Will had sat down in the chair, Natalie talking him through the handover.

“I swear to god if you drop her—” Jay spoke from where he was sitting,

“--You’ll do what?” Will asked, raising a brow, not paying attention to the baby, looking pointedly at Jay.

“I will shoot you.” Jay told him pointedly, “I will shoot you and not think twice if you don’t hold her properly.”

“Shoot me with what?”

“Dude, I’m not going to shoot you while you’re holding my child.” Jay pointed at him, “But I will shoot you when I can.” His threat was followed by another yawn and Will laughed. “That’s not funny, m’serious.” Jay was adamant, eyes widening when Will stood up after Erin took the picture, rocking Millie as he walked around. “Sit your ass down.” Jay’s voice was weak and Erin slowly inched her way towards him, trying not to draw attention to the fact she was about to restrain him to keep him in the bed.

“She’s perfect.” Will’s voice cut through the tension in the room, caused Jay’s body to lock up and then relax, caused a sheen in Natalie’s eyes and Erin to take Jay’s hand. “She’s absolutely perfect,” Will grinned, his voice thick with some unnamed emotion, but both brothers had the same look in their eyes. “You did good, little brother.”

Jay squeezed Erin’s hand and smiled. “We did, we did real good.” Jay’s grin was infections and Erin found herself smiling along with him; her’s lasting longer than his, however, when Will walked over to the bed and climbed up into it. “I swear to God and all things Holy, I will end your life and make it look like a goddamned boating accident if you do any damage to her.”

“A boating accident?” Will’s eyes were wide as he blinked.

“Yes. A boating accident. Now sit freaking still.” Jay hissed as Will got himself comfortable on the bed.

“I can hold a child, Jay. I’m a professional.”

“You make a habit of holding a lot of random babies?”

“No. I do have to treat children.”

“Not my child.”

“That would be unethical.”

“You need to support her head.”

“Okay, daddy day care.” Will quipped, earning himself a glare.

“I think you forget I’m military trained.” Jay raised an eyebrow and Erin and Natalie found themselves staring at the exchange with wide eyes.

“I think you forget that I don’t care about your ninja skills.”

“So you admit that I have them?”

“I never denied that you did.”

“You did, when we went to dinner with Mouse. You said—hold her damn head properly.” Jay muttered through gritted teeth, causing Will to laugh then huff and adjust his hold on her.

“I never once told Mouse to hold anyone’s head properly and having a potty mouth around your kid doesn’t bode well.”

There was a moment of silence between the two men, both of them glaring at each other. A split second where Erin panicked that this family reunion would turn into something that caused them to implode, but then they were both laughing, Jay’s hand coming up to support Millie’s head – despite it being adequately supported on Will’s arm – as the shared a laugh, a moment that Erin couldn’t help but snap with her phone, both she and Natalie grinning at the picture as the men resumed their playful banter, both of them holding Millie so carefully, despite the other’s interjections that they weren’t.

We have another 18 years of this.

[glasgowgirl92-blog]

Linstead - The Playlist: Unconditionally

So, this has taken an extraordinary amount of time to get to you and it’s so damn short so there’s no excuse other than I’m tired as hell all the time right now. Anyway! This one is based on Unconditionally - Katy Perry, because we all know that Jay’s love for Erin doesn’t come with conditions, he loved her when she was spiralling and loved her when she called their relationship off and loved her when she was spiralling again. We also know Erin loves Jay because she keeps coming back for him, because he’s her other half and really the only one who has loved her without expectations. 

Previous playlist chapters are: Safe Inside, Golden, Lullaby (yes, it all started with a song fic!), When Someone stops loving you. And due to the fact I broke a lot of people with that, I decided to bring some fluff into the equation. Enjoy!

Tagging: @halsteadpd, @queseraone, @erinlindscys, @writteninthestarsandthesky (if you want added, just let me know!))

Come just as you are to me Don't need apologies Know that you are all worthy I'll take your bad days with your good Walk through this storm I would I'd do it all because I love you, I love you

Jay Halstead was a romantic son of a bitch. This was something that Erin Lindsey had learned pretty early on, before they started dating. She’d know that he was thoughtful and attentive and would find a way to brighten your day without drawing attention to himself. The amount of post it’s she got with smiley faces drawn on them made her grin. She’d kept everything he’d ever given her in an envelope and when she felt down and he wasn’t around, she’d grab it and sneak into the break room or the locker room and look through them. Some days, those were the difference between her losing her shit at work, or losing her shit against his chest in their apartment.

Some of the cases had been ridiculous lately and she’d felt herself wanting to slip into bad habits. Ready to pick up more than the couple of beers she and Jay usually shared, ready to drink more than the couple of shots of whatever he’d pour for her before the bottle went back up on top of her kitchen cupboards and she’d have to climb to reach. He was always there though, Jay, with a soft touch, a kind word, a kiss on the back of the head. Things with IA, with Justin, with the missing woman and then Platt, it had just gotten to the point where she had to talk herself out of bed in the morning.

That was when she realised that Jay Halstead wasn’t just attentive and romantic. That was the day she learned that Jay Halstead was capable of loving her in ways that she never thought existed, ways she thought only existed in the movies.

She’d spent the night before screaming at him; picking fights over everything and nothing. Things that weren’t actually bothering her, she was determined to make him walk away. Make him leave. Push him far enough so he would go out of their apartment and she could climb the counter, get the good stuff and not feel guilty about it. Except he just wouldn’t leave.

Erin had tried low blows, tried anything she could think of. She’d almost brought up his relationship with his father, but couldn’t bring herself to hurt Jay like that. So she’d mentioned Gabby and Allie, she’d brought up the fact that Mouse was back in the desert and wanted to know why Jay wouldn’t go back. He’d simply swallowed and turned to face her, clenching his teeth enough that his jaw flexed and she knew she hit a nerve, a raw nerve at that. However, when he’d turned to her, those blue green eyes filled with hurt, she’d bit her damn tongue before stumbling over apologies.

“Erin,” he said softly, his hand reaching out to cup her face as they sat on the sofa, his other hand taking hers and linking their fingers. “I get it.” He said, a smile on his face, albeit a sad one. “I get what you’re doing and you can keep swinging at me all night, I’m not letting you do this to yourself.”

Erin’s bottom lip trembled as she leaned into his hand, because she’d never known someone who was so attuned to her needs that they could work out all her tells and still sit there with her.

“Jay—” She started to speak, but he leaned over and pressed a soft kiss to her lips that tasted of forgiveness, of love and hope and she immediately shut up and moved closer. She sought out his heat as she slid towards him on the sofa, his arm wrapping around her shoulders and letting her absorb his body heat.

“I don’t wanna hear apologies. We can work on your coping strategies when you’re feeling better, slugger.” He teased, the corner of his mouth lifting in a half smirk. “What I wanna know is what’s wrong.” His pad of his thumb was soft against the skin of her hand and she felt a fresh wave of tears forming, dipping her head so he wouldn’t see. Jay had other ideas, however, and dipped his head, too, attempting to catch her eyes.

“He had everything to live for.” Her voice was broken and Jay’s lips were warm against her forehead, and Erin fought to keep the tears in, just for the moment, because Jay deserved to know why she was picking fights with him, why he was the one holding them together by himself. “He had a son. He was really turning his life around, Jay.” Her fingers had wrapped into the cotton of his shirt, a grip on him so tight that the sleeve was making an indent in his arm. “He was helping a friend.”

Jay swallowed, his lips still pressed against Erin’s forehead, moving only when she hiccupped a sob. “Sometimes it takes longer for some people to find their way in life, Erin.” He soothed, his arm pulling her ever closer, cheek resting in her head. “Sometimes people have things they can’t run from and they have to face them head on. Like you did with Charlie.” His voice was soft, but heavy with pride and Erin felt it envelope her like his hug was. It always felt like this whenever she heard that in his voice; or when she watched him relay some take down she’d done or some other badass thing she’d accomplished. It was never because she was girl, it was always because he was damn proud of his partner and wanted everyone to know it.

“Charlie was small compared to somethings.” The statement was out of her mouth without passing through the filter and she tensed, but Jay didn’t, he didn’t change, only moved to kiss her head again.

“Was that supposed to scare me off?” He asked, dipping his head to meet her gaze, “Because you’re doing a really crap job of doing that.” He let out a small oof of breath when Erin punched him, looking up and catching his smile, any annoyance melting on the spot. “I’m serious, there’s nothing you got going on that I can’t handle, that I won’t handle.” Jay told her with a grin, leaning in to kiss her softly.

When she pulled away, she scooted closer, the weight of her grief over Justin still pressing heavily against her chest. Jay had pointed out numerous times that she hadn’t grieved for him, not properly. Not with knowing what Voight had done, what they’d let him do. Jay wasn’t stupid, he’d known what Voight had done, what Erin had done, but he’d never opened his mouth because he didn’t want to lose her. When Jay tilted his head, the question he’d been asking for months shining back at her in his eyes, she simply allowed him to pull her closer, curling against his chest, her fingers gripping his shirt.

All it took for her to let go was the words he murmured against her hair and the soft way he stroked her back. “It’s okay, you’re safe here. I got you, babe.”

The first thing she noticed when she woke up was the fact that she was alone on the sofa, the second was the smell of pancakes filtering through the apartment. The third was the fact that Jay Halstead really couldn’t sing a note and Nickleback didn’t sound any better being warbled by him. She pushed herself up into a seated position and stretched, grinning at the patchwork blanket draped over her. His mom had made this and it was absolutely his prized possession, but he’d deny it if anyone asked him and say it was his motorcycle picture that had hung above his bed. Little did they know, his mom had gotten that for him, too. The fact she was wearing his shirt meant one thing; she’d cried herself to sleep and Jay had fallen asleep, too, and when he’d woken up, he’d decided that putting his shirt on her and then arranging them on the sofa was better, somehow, than just carrying her to bed.

Erin never felt smaller than when she was wearing his shirts; he wasn’t hugely muscular, but his shirts certainly still swamped her enough for them to make her feel small and safe and cherished. She shuffled to her feet and made her way into the kitchen, stretching on her way and tilting her head as she watched him move effortlessly around the kitchen.

“Hey, sleepyhead.” He grinned, looking over his shoulder, his sweatpants sitting sinfully low on his hips and causing her to smirk and blush all at the same time. “Breakfast is almost ready. I knew pancakes would wake you.”

Erin grunted her agreement and he threw his head back on a laugh that made her tummy flip and her heart race and she was stupidly hung up on this guy. He did however, step towards the other counter and picked up her mug, turning to hand her the massive mug off coffee, a boyish grin on his face. Her eyes lit up and he chuckled again as she took the mug from him and sipped the liquid, letting out a happy sigh before pushing up onto her tiptoes for a kiss.

“Go get yourself settled and I’ll bring them through.” He told her, kissing her again and then swatting at her ass, sending her on her merry way, with a laugh and a glare when some coffee sloshed over the side of her mug and onto the floor. “I got it,” he told her holding his hands up.

“Damn straight, Halstead.” She muttered, heading back into the living room and placing the cup down on the coffee table gently, rearranging the blanket and the cushion before she plopped herself down on the sofa again and flipped on the TV to watch the morning cartoons. He leaned her head on the back of the sofa when Jay asked her did she want everything on her pancakes and she sent him a snarky reply about knowing what was good for him.

It wasn’t until she lifted her head that a little ball of orange and green caught her eye by the fireplace; crinkled paper and she moved to investigate, a frown on her face when she settled back on the sofa after retrieving them. Balled up paper. Erin slowly unfolded them, untangled them and then grinned, tears filling her eyes when she saw what was written on them, Jay’s scrawl across the orange paper simply read “I love you.” But there was a line through the u as though someone had bumped him when he was writing it, or he’d tried to hid it. The other one had her heart growing too big for her chest. This imperfect note was coffee stained and torn through the middle, but she could still work out what it said and she carefully folded them both and stashed them in her jeans that were neatly folded on the floor next to his. She fully planned to add them to the collection he’d already given her, but she knew the coffee stained post it note would always be her favorite, would always be her go to pick me up from then on out.

Unconditionally.

[glasgowgirl92-blog]

Lullaby

So, we needed fluff and this was bouncing around in my head before @queseraone and @halsteadpd started talking about stuff and well this is what we’ve got. Chapter 3 of the Linstead Playlist and this is my secret little song that I’ve been keeping in my backpocket for times like this. This, ladies and gents, is called Lullaby by a band called The Dixie Chicks, and it makes my heart melt when I hear it. This chapter is ever so slightly AU and as always, songs suggestions, prompts and reviews make me a super happy human.

Happy Weekend!

They didn't have you where I come from Never knew the best was yet to come Life began when I saw your face And I hear your laugh like a serenade

Erin wasn’t quite sure how she’d managed to get here. Well. She knew how she’d gotten here and if she didn’t then she really would be in trouble. She just didn’t know how she’d managed to find her way to this moment; after all the wrong turns and turning on her heels and running back down the way she’d came. It was almost surreal to find herself in a space she never thought she would be, living a life she didn’t deserve but had always wanted.

The apartment had indeed gained that 65 inch plasma, the install guy had been an artiste. It was her one concession to Jay in the room, the damn TV and Erin had to admit, The Real Housewives did look better on that screen. It was her one guilty pleasure that only Jay knew about and even he’d laughed himself into a heap on the floor when he came home from an overtime shift to find her watching it. She’d scowled at him as he had doubled over and then fallen to his knees, eventually rolling onto his back with an arm thrown over his eyes, face red with laughter and wet from the tears. Erin had sworn him to secrecy on pain of death and when he’d calmed down he’d shrugged and simply reiterated what he’d said when she mentioned the pillow thing – Do your thing babe.

The memory brought a smile to her face as she sighed, turning to nuzzle his shoulder as he rested on the sofa, the lamp the only thing illuminating the space.

“I still don’t even understand why you’re here.” Erin stated softly, turning to look up at his tired face.

“You’re up, I’m up.” Jay had replied, voice husky, not even meeting her gaze.

“Jay, there’s no need for you to be up right now.” Erin had whispered back, kissing his shoulder when a small spark of hurt flickered in his eyes before she added “It’s a feed. We don’t have any bottles left, so there’s really nothing you can do. It has to be me.”

“I can burp her.” Jay told her softly, eyes still locked on the bundle quietly feeding in Erin’s arms. He had the same stupid look on his face every time he looked at his daughter. “Besides, we both know Millie prefers me to rock her to sleep, don’t we Mills?” he asked, reaching out to stroke her cheek causing Erin to huff.

“That’s because she’s some kind of thrill seeker and you’re essentially a ride at Universal.”

“So?” Jay asked, pressing a kiss to Erin’s cheek as she settled back against him, her back to his chest, leaving him room to rest his arm on the back of the sofa, this thumb rubbing his daughter’s head.

Erin laughed, watching as their daughter’s eyes began to drift closed at the soft touch of Jay’s thumb on her forehead, knowing the feeling well. It had become close to the only way she could fall asleep while she was pregnant, having Jay stroke her head like that as she curled into him, pillows be damned.

“If she falls asleep, you’re sitting up with her.” Erin told him on a yawn. It wasn’t even a threat, it wasn’t something Jay wouldn’t willingly do. In fact, any time after sleep time? He’d already signed up for all of it and carried it out, multiple times since Camille Marie Halstead, the tiniest little human being they’d ever met, came into their lives screaming at the top of her tiny lungs, making more noise than anything that size ever should, at 4am on the fourth of goddamned July. Jay had joked about calling her freedom, or Justice or Liberty or America or a plethora of ridiculous patriotic names that he could think of when the doctor had told them the due date.

As Erin’s gaze wandered between them both, she couldn’t deny the absolute bond they had between them. Tiny human and huge badass dude. A match made in heaven. Jay pressed a kiss against Erin’s temple and muttered something about threatening him with a goodtime, but his words were muffled with a yawn and into her hair, but she knew it was a smartass remark.

Millie began to wriggle in Erin’s arms, turning her head away from Erin’s chest, signalling she’d had enough now and she was full. Maybe. The kid had her dad’s appetite and she was apparently never full.

“My turn,” Jay spoke and Erin could hear the grin in his stupid smug voice, but she couldn’t deny the way her heart melted when he moved from behind her to his knees on the carpet, a towel already over his bare shoulder, and took the precious little bundle of sheer joy into his arms, resting her against his shoulder as he fluidly got to his feet and began to walk with her, rubbing her back as he made his way into the kitchen and Erin heard the kettle flick on.

She began to fix her shirt, going in search of the pump while Jay went about his own routine of making her a cup of herbal tea as he told Millie stories about all the great things she would do when she grew up. Tonight, Millie was going to be the President of the United States and she was going to make it illegal for messy woman not to have an organisational system for the bathroom.

Within three quarters of an hour, Erin was halfway to falling asleep as she perched herself on the edge of the bed, waiting for Jay to come back in. Millie had been sick all the way down his back, missing half the towel and getting his sweats despite how low they had sat on his hips. Which had meant his routine had been thrown off by a good ten minutes; given that he usually sterilized bottles and made sure that the place was locked again before coming to bed. Erin watched the steady rise and fall of Millie’s chest, the way her little eyes flicked back and forth beneath the lids, the tiny parting of her tiny lips and the cute little waffling noise she made every so often. The first time she’d made that noise, both Jay and Erin had put in a panicked call to Will and Natalie, and then taken her for a check-up the next day just to be sure she was alright, neither sleeping until she had gotten the all clear.

Erin felt the bed dip behind her but didn’t turn around, transfixed on the baby in the crib at her side of the bed. Jay’s legs soon bracketed her own, strong arms encircling her waist, pulling her against him as he pressed a kiss against her temple again. Her breathing soon matched his, a steady rise and fall, soothing, comforting and she laced her fingers with his, content to sit here and absorb his quiet strength at 4am knowing that he’d come back to bed more as a courtesy to get her to sleep and not actually get much meaningful sleep of his own.

“It’s paperwork day,” Jay told her, his thumb stroking over her hand with the same tenderness he had their daughter’s head. “So, I should be able to get home early. Maybe we could go out for food. You know, as a family.” The suggestion was made softly and Erin knew if she had been looking at him, his gaze wouldn’t have met hers.  In the four months since Millie had made her appearance, Erin could count on one hand the amount of times they’d actually managed to eat a meal together, much less leave the house and eat out. It had been a huge adjustment for them, becoming parents and Erin taking time off work to be a mom and she knew Jay struggled to balance being the cop that the Intelligence Unit needed him to be and the partner and father that he had to be for Erin and Millie. The Unit had banded together, helped them out when they could, but it had still been a culture shock.

It wasn’t just timing issues either, it was the fact that the only time either one of them could sleep is if the other was there to look after the baby, and Erin always felt guilty that Jay would be the one to get up most nights, given the fact he was the one who was working all day. She sensed the apprehension coming off him in waves, a small smirk on her lips when he tucked his forehead against her neck because if he brought his hands near his hairline she’d know he was up to something.

“I’d like that.” She found herself saying, more surprised to find that it was true. The thought of going out to some small diner as a family really did make her grin and she turned to look at him; that sentimental part of her falling desperately in love with him all over again at the prospect of putting on makeup and something that wasn’t his shirts to head out for food.

“I love you,” Erin told him as she turned in his arms, causing the smile she never knew she needed to see to light up his face in the moonlit room.

“That’s only because I’m feeding you.” He deadpanned, his tone completely contradicted by the grin. She swatted at him and turned into his arms fully, allowing him to flip her gently onto her back, her hands clamping over both of their mouths as Millie made a noise akin to a whimper, but her breathing evened out as they stared at each other in silence, sighing against Erin’s palms when it was clear that the baby was going to continue to sleep.

Jay rolled onto his side of the bed, pulling Erin into his arms with him, and pressing a kiss atop of her head. “I do love you, you know that, right?” he enquired as he arranged the blankets around his partner, taking her hand and bringing it to his lips to press a kiss to her knuckles.

“Of course I do,” Erin told him, propping herself up so she could rest her chin on his chest, his skin cool to the touch in the Chicago fall. “I’ve never doubted that. Not once.”

The silence that fell was weighted as she watched every scenario pass through Jay’s features. Not once; not since she found out he was married, not since he left and moved in with Will, not since she left for New York, not since it took a case to take him to New York with SVU for them to work together again, not since she left him in his hotel room only to call him four months later with the bombshell that they were going to be parents but it was okay because she could do it on her own. The only decision that had been to make was would the baby be born in Chicago or New York and where they were going to live.

She’d never doubted he loved her from the second that he’d broken down in front of her, laying bare his demons and his fears over the impending birth of the child and if he’d turn out like his dad had. She’d never doubted that he’d loved her through every single bump in the road.

“When did you know?” he asked eventually, tilting his head to look at her, so many other questions swirling around in his mind, but that was the only one he could get out.

“When did I know you loved me?” Erin asked, and then gave a shrug at Jay’s affirmative nod. “Since you never gave up on my sorry ass when I took my sabbatical. You never once gave me any reason to doubt you; it was baby steps, and it didn’t matter that it took months, you waited. No-one has ever done that for me before; so I figured I was either that good in bed, or it was more than that.”

“I am absolutely not complaining about your bedroom skill set.” Jay chuckled, lifting his hand to comb through her hair. “But I think I loved you before all that.” He said, his voice unsure, as though he was saying the words for the first time and only realizing they were true. “I think I loved you when you broke it off with me for the unit.” He stated, a frown on his face. “It’s how I’ve always known you actually felt something for me. You back away from it. Usually.”

It was Erin who chuckled, “You knew I loved you because I ended the relationship?” she asked, leaning into his touch, knowing if she rested her head back down on his chest that she’d be out in seconds.

“Yeah; you’ve always been terrified of hurting the people you love, so you put in the distance. That’s when I realized that I was one of those people. You kept running, but you’d always come through for me when I needed you to be there.” Jay shrugged and gave her a small smile. “You’ve never once shown me that you’d never be there when I needed you, we just had to figure it out. We took the longest damn road, but we got here.”

“Yeah, we did.” Erin nodded, turning her head to the crib to look at their tiny little human. “you know, growing up? Having a kid was something that happened by accident. It wasn’t something that was planned or romanticised.” Erin laughed again when Jay raised an eyebrow at her, almost a yes, because Millie was planned look. “You know what I mean. Kids were a result of too much of something and not enough common sense. No-one had kids out of love.”

There was a pause, long enough for Jay to move his pillow to support his head better, allowing him to run a hand up and down Erin’s arm as well as through her hair. She adored his touch. It always calmed her, she always sought his warmth whenever she was afraid or hurting, or angry because he knew how to soothe her, which is maybe why she was able to talk right there and then, about the way she was raised.

“I used to hear the old ladies in the store or the kids in my class when I moved in with Voight and Camille talk about having a kid as this romanticized thing; half you and half the person you love. How creating this tiny human was this miracle and special and born out of love that two people had for each other and I never really thought about it until I found out I was pregnant.” Erin’s voice was raspier than usual, thick with emotion. Her eyes shining with tears and almost instantly Jay was holding her to him, kissing her hair and whispering reassurances against the thick strands.  

This wasn’t something that Erin Lindsey had ever thought she’d have. Not only did she have her own little miracle in Millie, she also had the love of a good man. A man she never felt like she deserved. The kind of man who treated you nice because he wanted to, not because he felt like he had to or he wanted something in return. She had the love of a man, and loved a man, who had stepped on up when he told him about the baby, who had offered to relocate to New York to help her. A man who willingly took overtime, working a stupid amount of hours, only to come home and clean up the apartment, cooking food for her so she wouldn’t have to and making sure she was comfortable.

The last thing Erin Lindsey thought about before she fell asleep, lulled into her dreams by the steady rise and fall of his chest, the steady beat of his heart; was how proud she was to wear his mother’s ring, to be here with him and Millie and how much she was looking forward to the rest of her life for the first time in a long time.

 How long do you wanna be loved, is forever enough? ‘Cause I’m never ever giving you up.

[glasgowgirl92-blog]

Linstead: The Playlist - When someone stops loving you.

Okay, so this originally wasn’t next. However conversations with @halsteadpd have been full of realisations and this was one of them. You’ve rocked this week in listening to me rant and rave and discussing all kinds of theories with me! So this one is for you. 

There should be another one of these up on Monday and hopefully another Lullaby chapter, too!

Anyway, this is When Someone Stops Loving You  by Little Big Town and really, for posterity, you should listen to it while reading this. It just adds to the whole ugly crying experience. This piece is angsty as all get out and really should have trigger warnings probably, I just don’t know what to tag. 

Still gotta button up your collared shirt The one she used to button down Sleep on the mattress where her body left a curve Or maybe just the couch

The only time Jay was usually in either a suit, his military green or his Police blues these days were court appearances or funerals. Which is why when the chance to go undercover as a uniform had come up, Jay had jumped at the chance. Give himself a different set of memories in the uniform.

The case had closed now, and Jay hadn’t bothered to change back into his regular clothes, he’d finished his paperwork and headed straight home, making one stop on the way.  It had been months. Months of nothing but silence. He’d fallen into his routine and it was unshakable, he’d been numb. He’d been numb until he’d heard Al talking to Voight about how she was doing in New York and suddenly he’d felt sick. He’d broken out in a cold sweat and he’d had to go make himself coffee in the breakroom to calm himself back down. The raw grief gripping him hard. It had felt like someone had torn his heart from his chest and all of a sudden he was empty again. Hollow. But the agony had stayed, taken up residence in his chest, and it beat like his heart did. Every step, every breath hurt and he had no idea how it was going to work.

So on the way home; to his new apartment, one that didn’t have floor to ceiling windows and band posters, he’d stopped at the liquor store. He’d promised Will that he wouldn’t do this again, promised the guys at his support group that he’d talk it out, but he didn’t much feel like talking about this. Not tonight anyway. Tonight, he wanted an escape. He wanted the numbness back. He didn’t feel strong enough to talk it out, to actually voice the thoughts that had been bouncing around his head since the moment she left the breakroom, leaving him stranding there, gripping the counter. Jay had hated the pity in her eyes, hated the way she left him, but he hated the hurt in her eyes more – knowing he was the one who put it there.

His key turned in the lock and he pushed the door open, his tie and jacket being tossed haphazardly in the general direction of the coat hook, his vest following suit. He walked into the living room, pausing in the doorway, debating a glass, but deciding he didn’t need it. He snorted at the blanket and the pillow on the sofa. He hadn’t slept in an actual bed since he walked out of her – their – apartment. He’d tried when he moved in here. But sleep wouldn’t come and he found himself back out on the sofa. Will had found it strange when he needed a place to crash that he got the bed, but he decided not to question it.

Jay dropped onto the sofa and placed his badge and gun on the table, nudging them over with his foot as he leaned back and put his feet on the table, reaching for the remote and turning the sports highlights on. Removing the bottle of whiskey from the paper bag, he opened and it took a large swig, wincing as he swallowed and coughing, but taking another swig. After the third, the amber liquid went down smoothly and he settled himself back into the cushions, the last few years flicking through his mind.

He loved her. Probably had from the moment he set eyes on her; hearing her give Antonio shit. That raspy voice of hers and then her laugh. Just thinking about his now was like a punch to his gut and he took another swig to dull the pain. She’d given him a look when he walked in, called him cocky. He’d bit back the original retort and went for something along the lines of fitting in well here. She’d laughed. Voight had told her to take the grasshopper under her wing, show him the ropes. She’d been his first female partner. She’d set the bar. Erin Lindsey had been a fucking storm in a teacup and Jay Halstead had been the one shattered and scarred when the china had cracked and sprayed in various directions. He’d do it all again, though. Every single little thing. He’d break apart a million and one times to save her; take the fall, take the hit. He knew this just as sure as he knew his army number, just as sure as he knew tomorrow the sun would rise and set.

Jay had never loved anyone the way he loved her. There was something about her that he couldn’t stay away from and it wasn’t sexual. It wasn’t something that he could figure out. She was an enigma to him and his world just felt better knowing that she was gonna be there when he went to work; long before they had started dating, long before he’d gone to her high school reunion with her, he’d known she was going to turn his world upside down.

He swallowed hard and took another drink; something swelling in his chest that he didn’t want to name, but the pain was real. He’d take another bullet in the shoulder. Hell, he’d take a bullet anywhere at this point for this ache to go away. Jay had only known this feeling one other time in his life and as his mind tried to go there he took a longer drink of the liquor, coughing but letting his eyes drift close.

Erin Lindsey was it. That was clear. She wasn’t like the rest of them. She was broken and beautiful and pulled together. She’d left him before. Technically three times, but who was counting? He wasn’t. She’d chosen the job over him; her job. He’d told her he understood that being her partner was enough; but he couldn’t tell her how he slept better with her in his bed, couldn’t tell her she’d been the one to keep him together, to keep the nightmares away. She needed to keep her job and to please Voight. Jay loved his job; but he’d always loved her more. He’d have given his damn badge to keep her, but he understood her want to keep Voight onside.

Then she’d quit. She didn’t tell him; barely looked at him when he’d finally tracked her down. She didn’t care. She’d left him. She’d walked away from him when he’d begged her for closure. He’d needed it, couldn’t deal with the fact there was no goodbye. Just like this time. He took another drink and realised that this was turning into a game of Never Have I with his own damned mind. He’d chuckled, but it was humourless. It sounded broken and fake and he cleared his throat.

She’d come back that time. She’d been the one to save him from the drug Lord after 24 hours of hell. She’d come into the room like a fucking angel and while she looked like hell? She’d been so beautiful in that moment. She’d come back before, the thought offered hope, but as quickly as it rose it was squashed back down. Erin had said she could handle it; handle whatever demons he was fighting, carry the weight of his luggage from war. Under the guise of needing time, though, of them both needing time, she’d taken his confession of seeking help and fled. Then after some pretty painful cases, some heart wrenching interactions, she’d gone.

He'd given the ring back to Will on Monday. Hadn’t said anything, just handed it over. That’s when Will had followed him out into the parking lot and begged him to talk it over. There was no point in talking, however. No point at all. He’d been talking for months, once a week. Didn’t fix him. It broke him on a weekly basis.

How do you talk over not being enough for someone? How do you talk about needing space and getting so much more than you bargained for? How do you talk about someone leaving without saying goodbye? How do you talk about not being worth that much? Jay scrubbed a hand down his face and took another drink before glancing at the bottle and letting out another humourless laugh. He'd managed to drink around a third of the bottle in the half hour he’d been in apartment and the hangover was going to be a bitch when he woke up; but a physical pain was something easier to deal with than the thoughts in his head.

There was another thought circulating; but he’d been pushing that one deeper and deeper. He couldn’t look that one in the eye yet; Jay knew he wouldn’t be able to keep this in check if he did. He’d managed so far at keeping his tears at bay; keeping the tidal wave grief inside for close to a week. He figured he’d past denial and anger, skipped bargaining and was now in the deep depressive state of losing someone. He just didn’t want to be here, wanted to get to the acceptance. Wanted to reach the part that everyone thought he was at. They’d expected him to be there months before she’d taken the job in New York. Except, he wasn’t. Couldn’t. Hope of a reunion was definitely a cruel mistress.

Jay felt his stomach churn and decided that perhaps drinking on an empty stomach was probably the wrong idea; but he was already starting to feel more relaxed, less tense. He was already beginning to go numb. He put his feet on the floor and stood, taking two steps before his stumble had him catching the leg of the coffee table, tripping up and hitting the floor, his hand knocking the small table he’d taken to dumping the keys and sending it flying, the table hitting the floor and the contents of the drawer scattering everywhere. Luckily enough he’d had the wherewithal to keep the bottle from hitting the floor. He pushed to his knees, cradling the bottle and taking another drink as he assessed the damage, wondering if anyone would call the cops or come see if he was okay.

He doubted it. No one actually cared. He’d probably lay here for days before anyone would come looking for him. The thought was a sobering one and Jay took another long pull from the bottle before putting it down on the floor and crawling towards the wreckage, because it was safer this way and it wouldn’t hurt so much if he fell over. There were the usual things in that drawer; spare batteries, bullets for his gun, an address book, a pen and paper, a candle and a lighter. He gathered the items up, dropping some again and then finally putting them all in the drawer and righting the table, sliding the drawer back in.

A piece of paper caught his eye, near the entrance to the kitchen and he reached to get it, wobbling slightly but catching himself and dragging it towards him. When Jay turned the paper over, his breath caught and his word spun. It was a picture of him and his mother, he was about 5 and she was smiling at him as he played with his police car. Jay felt the bile rise in his throat and he put the photo on the table as he stumbled to his feet, crashing shoulder first into the wall and groaning before finally making it to the bathroom and emptying the contents of his stomach into the toilet.

He managed to get his knees under him as he hugged the porcelain, body shuddering through the heaves of his body. Bourbon never did taste quite as good coming back up as it did going down. When he finally was reduced to drive heaves he wiped his mouth and pushed to his feet, flushing the toilet and moving to the sink to rinse his mouth out. He caught sight of himself in the mirror when he spat into the sink and saw his mother’s eyes looking back at him in place of his own and suddenly couldn’t hold it in anymore; his shoulders shaking as he dropped to the ground again.

His mind was spinning as he allowed himself to feel the rush of emotions; the loss and loneliness, the hurt and the fear, the bitter heartbreak and disappointment, the feelings of inadequacy and emptiness. Jay’s entire body began to shake as he drew his knees to his chest for protection; not fighting the tears as they finally came. Allowing himself to mourn the loss of his relationship; sobbing harder, gasping sobs, as the reality set deep into his bones and the pain rocked him from his core.

Erin had left him multiple times; proved time and time again that she was fine without him; that in their relationship, he was the one who loved the most and he was okay with that. Why was this time so different? Why was this time so final? So permanent?

As his sobs grew louder, the pain tearing through him at an alarming rate along with the one thought he’d tried to keep buried.

Everyone woman he’d ever loved had left him.

 When someone stops loving you It don't keep the sun from rising, the clock from winding, your heart from beating Even when you want it to

[glasgowgirl92-blog]

Lullaby - Sleepless in Chicago

Okay, so, what started as a I need fluff fic has left me wanting more and apparently leaving @queseraone needing more!. Lullaby is now going to be a multi-chapter fic detailing Linstead as parents! It’s not in any kind of order, more just a snapshot of their lives if they had a baby! If anyone has any prompts they’d like to see, feel free to drop them to me!

A huge thank you to everyone who liked, reviewed, reblogged the first chapter, because without that? This one wouldn’t be here. You guys are amazing.

Lullaby part one is here, should you want to read it, but you absolutely don’t have to for this to make sense. 

More fluff in which Erin is exasperated, Jay is exhausted and the Cookie Monster is an excellent distraction for babies. 

Sleepless in Chicago

He’d always had a routine. Get up, work out, shower, go to work, come home, eat, sleep. Repeat. It wasn’t necessarily pretty, but it was functional and it got him to where he wanted it to be. Then, however, then Jay had become a fiancé and a dad in the space of 6 months and really, everything had hit the fan and flipped it all on its head.

Getting up had become internally yelling at the alarm because didn’t he just get to sleep? Working out was a whole lot of running up and down stairs, doing a whole bunch of crunches because it made Millie laugh, walking around and rocking a baby. Ruzek had joked about his dadbod, which was quickly shut down by Burgess who had given him a look and he’d apologized profusely. Working was different, too. The thrill of chasing after a suspect was dulled because the worry of leaving Erin alone with a baby for the rest of her life considering the incident, or her having to take care of him too, after the last time? Generally, put enough fear into him for him to watch his six as he did it.

Eating? Well, that was done quickly; hot foods were usually eaten cold and cold food usually eaten warm, and even then? Snack food was so much easier than making a meal – although he always made sure that Erin had eaten at least one decent meal and Millie seemed to drink a lot of milk, so his girls were always taken care of. Sleeping? Eh. Sleeping happened when it needed to. Jay always made sure Erin got sleep because she was the primary caregiver and he was her tag team partner when he was home, which sometimes was only for 6/7 hours a day, most of it being spent on getting some sleep for himself. Erin always pouted, however, when he took a long time to come to bed. Erin was the one who made sure he got some time for sleep, the one who made sure he was eating something significant, the one who made sure he knew he was appreciated and loved.

Growing up in the family he had; the way he had, Jay had known that how he didn’t want to parent. Jay knew he wanted his partner to feel valued, loved and safe in their home. He wanted his children to grow up safe and happy, knowing that they were loved and valued and had a home that was a happy place. He worked hard, knowing that Erin was 16 before she got a safe and happy home, to provide both of his girls with a solid family unit.

Which is why he found himself taking the stairs 2 at a time after pulling what was technically a double shift, carrying a bag of groceries trying to make sure he was home for the start of Sesame Street. Millie was 3 months old, but she absolutely adored that program and was riveted to the screen whenever it was on, kicking her little legs and waving her arms. It was one of the only times of the day that he and Erin could manage to get through more than half of a conversation without something else needing their attention; bottles, diapers, Millie, work. There was always something pulling them in another direction, but Jay was absolutely determined to be there with his girls this weekend. He was using some furlough that he hadn’t used; 4 days of nothing but his girls and that thought made him move a lot faster.

Given that it was 6am, Jay quietly entered their apartment, smirking when the opening titles of the show began to play, fist pumping in victory that he’d made it. He kicked off his boots, lining them up neatly by the door, juggling the grocery bag to get his coat off and hung up. He froze momentarily when he turned around, Millie in her little rocker chair that Atwater had gotten for them; the blanket Sargant Platt had made for her draped over her. Erin was curled up in the corner of the sofa looking every bit as exhausted as he felt, holding a cup of what he assumed was coffee in her hand. He’d come home to them many times, but Jay had never felt the sensation of home as much as he did in that moment.

“Hey,” Erin called softly, pulling him from the trance he was in, smiling sweetly at him, as though she could hear every thought in his head. He put his keys on the table next to hers and grinned at her.

“Hi.” Jay called back, “be with you in a second.” He told her, disappearing into the kitchen and making quick work of stowing away the groceries, making a list of what he needed to make her favourite chocolate chip pancakes, and leaving those ingredients near the front of the cupboards to nab after he’d said hello to his ladies. No matter how bone-tired he was, it was his duty to make sure they were taken care of and if that meant pushing sleep for another couple of hours to do some chores and make his Erin breakfast? He could do it.

“You really need to work on what time is,” the voice came from behind him causing him to jump and spin around. Trying to look annoyed when Erin Lindsey is wearing your yellow plaid shirt and panda slippers and looking entirely gorgeous in your kitchen is damn near impossible and Jay would fight anyone who could do it, because it meant they didn’t appreciate what was in front of them.

“I was getting ready to make you pancakes.” Jay told her, stepping into her space and pulling her into his arms for a slow, soft, adoring kiss, feeling her smile into it.

“Jay.” She laughed, wrapping her arms around him when he trailed those kisses down her cheek to nuzzle into her neck, pulling her as close as he could. “Jay,” she said again, running her fingers through his hair to tug his head back to look at him, raising an eyebrow at how dishevelled he looked. His hair had been messed up long before she ran her fingers through it; his eyes stood out due to the dark circles beneath them. Those same blue eyes were red rimmed, he had stubble and Erin was halfway sure that he would fall asleep the second he got to resting and she smiled at him. “I can do cereal for this morning.” She told him cupping his face in her palms. “Fruity Pebbles are pretty damn good.”

Jay shook his head, sneaking another kiss from Erin. “No. Chocolate chip pancakes is the breakfast of champions and if I’m gonna nap? You’re gonna need fuel to keep Mills occupied.” He argued, suddenly serious and Erin smiled at him; eyes going soft as she pulled him closer, resting her head against his shoulder as he wrapped his arms around her.

“Pancakes and then you’re actually going to sleep for a few hours. In bed. No arguments.” She held up a hand to silence him without even looking at his face, earning herself a chuckle and a kiss to her hair. “Got a solid five hours with her last night. She didn’t wake for a feed so I let her sleep.” Erin grinned proudly and Jay found his smile matching hers.

“Good job,” he stated, giving her another kiss atop her head, earning a laugh.

“I didn’t sleep on her behalf, you should go high-five your girl for that one.” Erin told him, still giggling, laughing harder when he took her hand and led her into the living room and straight over to the little bouncer chair that Maddie was still in, sucking hard on her pacifier as she watched the cookie monster on screen.

“Well hello there, Mills.” Jay greeted as he knelt in front of her, heart stopping when she giggled and spat out the pacifier as she grinned up at him, reaching her little hands forward to him.

“Who’s that?” Erin asked, “Is that daddy, Millie? That’s daddy.” She beamed from her place on the sofa as Millie laughed, looking Jay right in the face. Erin watched as the smile almost split Jay’s face, a sheen of tears filling his eyes as he unbuckled the seat and carefully picked his daughter up into his arms, leaning down to press kisses all over her, causing the baby to laugh again and again; a small gargled giggle that it was clear Jay had fallen in love with already as Millie ran her hands over his head and waved her arms about, Sesame Street long forgotten now that Jay was home.

“How long as she been doing that?” Jay asked, not used to the sweet little giggle, but doing everything to make sure his daughter was making that noise repeatedly.

“She made it in her sleep through the night.” Erin told him, moving the cushion as Jay moved over to join her on the sofa, moving Millie in his arms so Millie could see Erin. “I wanted you to find out on your own.”

“Its joint number one favourite laugh.” Jay told her, clearing his throat as he obviously tried to contain his emotions, “can’t possibly choose between yours and hers.” His eyes finally moved from Millie to Erin, holding her gaze before he leaned in and kissed her, whispered thank yous against her lips as she brought her hand up to rest on his neck, stroking the skin there, a sure fire way to relax him, to settle whatever was brewing under the surface before it took over.

“I’ll give her the win on this one;” Erin spoke, softly, leaning in to rest her head against Jay’s shoulder, watching as Millie began to wriggle; before turning her head and nuzzling against Jay’s shirt, her mouth opening and closing.

“Oh, no, Mills. Daddy can’t help with that. Wrong human.” Jay laughed, “I’m the one who uses the bottle.” He explained, causing Erin to laugh out loud, the almost confused look on Millie’s face as Jay tried to explain what was happening was both precious and priceless. “Mommy does that, not daddy. I don’t have the right…equipment.” Jay eventually finished the sentence, looking just as confused as his daughter and Erin wiped her eyes as she reached for Millie.

“Did you just call my boobs equipment?”

“I think so.”

“Dude.”

“I know, I just, didn’t know what else to call them.” Jay stated, flustered.

“Boobs, Jay. Call them boobs or breasts or—“

“I’m going to make pancakes.” Jay announced, “it’ll take about 25 minutes. Is that enough time to have her fed?”

Erin could only nod, her giggling had started again at the blush creeping over Jay’s flustered face as he hummed his agreement and was up from the sofa and into the kitchen before Millie had even latched on.

After feeding, burping and changing the tiny human and placing her in her Moses basket in the livingroom behind the sofa next to the table, Erin and Jay had devoured a stack of pancakes each and Erin had fought for the right to help Jay do the washing up, they had finally ended up standing in the middle of the living room floor, looking around.

“You should sleep.” Erin told Jay as she rearranged the sofa cushions and folded Millie’s blanket.

“I’m good, why don’t I run you a bath? I can keep an eye on Mills while you relax for a bit. It’s been just you practically for 2 days.” Jay volunteered, eyes moving over to the sleeping baby, envying her for a moment before he looked back at Erin and stifled a yawn.

“Jay. You’re exhausted.” Erin told him pointedly, “You need to sleep.”

“I’m good.” Jay held his hands up but Erin shook her head, tugging his hand and dragging him to the sofa, forcing him to sit with her.

“You’ve worked this case solidly for two 16 hour shifts with a six-hour break between them. That’s not enough. You need time to rest.”

“And I will, when you’ve had some time to rel—“

“Jay.” Erin interrupted, glaring at him. “I’m fine.”

“I didn’t say you weren’t.”

“I know what you’re doing and you don’t have to do this.” Erin told him, trying to catch his eye. “Jay, you’re not your dad.”

Jay’s mouth opened and closed a few times, trying to find the words to say. His right hand moved to his hairline as his left balled into a fist. He was looking anywhere but at her and Erin let him have a couple of minutes before she eventually reached for him, taking his hand and turning his face to her.

“You. Are. Not. Your. Father.” She repeated, slowly. “You’re not mine, either.” She added on softly. “I’m not going to watch you work yourself into a heap on the floor proving to yourself that you’re neither of them. I know and Millie knows and that should be enough.” Her voice was soft, gentle, soothing as she knew how hard her words were. “We love you and everything you do for us, but we want you healthy.”

“Erin.” Jay’s voice was broken, raw, as though he’d swallowed a who landfill of broken glass. Her name a small plea for her to stop, that he wasn’t ready for this. Erin understood, but she had to make him understand that he was better than they were.

“I love your chocolate chip pancakes and hearing your play with her when I’m in the bath. But I can’t lose you, Jay. Almost losing you was enough.” Erin’s voice got softer and softer until it was almost inaudible at the last sentence, causing Jay’s anguished eyes to land on hers.

“You won’t.” he assured her, leaning in to rest their foreheads together. He’d only been back at work for just over 2 months since the…incident but he’d never really thought about the impact it had had on her. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“I know, because I’m not letting you.” She told him fiercely, eyes meeting his. “I’m not letting you exhaust yourself like this. We’re a team, partnership, fifty-fifty split. Which means we both have each other’s backs, Jay.” Erin continued in earnest, and was thankful when Jay kept his mouth closed to let her speak. “I can’t be your back up out there; I can’t make sure you’ve got someone looking out for you. But here? Here I can. Here, I need you to let me take as much care of you as you do of me, because it’s not just about us anymore.” Erin stopped, turning her head to look at the crib beside them.

Jay let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding and nodded, moving them so she was in his lap and he could bury his head in the crook of her neck and her shoulder and just breath her in as they wrapped themselves around each other, holding on, sharing everything they couldn’t say out loud.

When Millie’s cries eventually permeated the apartment, Jay wasn’t sure how long he and Erin had been wrapped up in each other on the sofa for, but he’d given her a soft kiss and then knelt up to reach into the Moses Basket to lift Millie into his arms and against his chest. It took him seconds to check and see if she was wet, stinky, or hungry. She wasn’t trying to latch onto his knuckle and she didn’t need a diaper change.

“I think Miss Millie just wanted in on the snuggle action, huh?” Erin cooed when Mille began to settle down in Jay’s arms, nuzzling into his warmth, her eyes drifting closed as Erin stroked her head.

“Probably, I do give the best hugs.” Jay joked, but Erin could still see the shadows in his eyes, making the decision that poking that bear again would be done at another time, instead she hummed her agreement and leaned in to press another kiss to his lips.

“You’re kinda hot with a baby,” she teased, causing Jay to raise an eyebrow.

“Kinda and Hot don’t go in the same sentence when it comes to me. I’m always hot.” He smirked and Erin laughed, shaking her head as she lightly punched his arm. “Erin, I got this, maybe you should take a—“

“--I’ll take a shower. Not a bath. I need to wash my hair anyway, so I won’t be too long. Then you’re going to bed, Jay. No arguments.” She stated, pointing her finger at him, causing him to give her a lopsided smile.

“Fine. Take your time, it’s not like we’re going anywhere.” He told her, leaning up to steal a kiss when she stood and then leaning into her touch when she rubbed his head and trailed her hand down to his jaw.

“I’ll be a half hour tops.” Erin told him, pressing a kiss against Millie’s head where she snuggled further against Jay’s shoulder, her tiny hand gripping the fabric of his shirt.

“mhmm.” Jay agreed, coping her motion and manoeuvring the baby as he got himself comfortable on the sofa, reclining against the cushions and searching for the remote for the TV to put it onto sports centre before Erin had even left the room.

When Erin returned to the living room; freshly dressed in some jeans and her own plaid shirt this time; she found her fiancé and her daughter, both sound asleep on the sofa. Jay reclined against the cushions, his feet propped up on the coffee table; Millie nestled on his chest, one of his hands on her back over the blanket that Platt had made for her, his other hand closer to his chin, her tiny fingers wrapped around his thumb, his lips pressed against her head.

She didn’t have the heart to wake him, her heart already melting. Instead, she simply turned down the TV and moved to the sofa, curling up beside them and taking a snap for the album she was making before resting her head against his shoulder and letting her eyes drift closed.

[glasgowgirl92-blog]

Lullaby - The Sass is Strong with this One

So! Chapter Three is upon us and I’m not sure how it happened, however, here it is! See here for chapter one and here for chapter two! (I’m thinking about making a master post, yes or no?)

@queseraone provided me with this prompt: Taking Millie grocery shopping and this popped into my head. So if you have any prompts you’d like to see? Just drop it in my inbox, in a message, on this post and I’ll had it to the list!

@halsteadpd has been getting tortured with this fic all day, sorry bb!

@letitrainletitsnowbutdontletmego The next chapter will talk about the “incident”! So keep your eyes pealed for that.

As always a huge thank you to everyone who likes, reblogs, reviews this! You make me happy and when I’m happy, chapters happen! 

Anyways, enjoy! 

The Sass is Strong with this One.

Every second Tuesday they went grocery shopping. Neither Jay nor Erin are sure when this came to pass, when it became a thing but it was a thing and it was Tuesday and they were in the car heading to the grocery store. Every so often, whenever work would allow, Erin and Jay would collect Millie from the child minder early and take her with them; she had a love for the grocery store and spending time with her regardless of what they were doing always made for the best time. Even if it meant listening to her music in the car on repeat while she ‘danced’ in the backseat in her baby seat, wriggling around to the music. Erin still insisted that Millie was a better dancer than Jay and Jay would always laugh and say that she clearly didn’t inherit it from Erin.

As always, Erin drove and she would drop Jay off for him to grab a shopping cart and wait for her to bring their princess over to him to put her in the little seat. As always, Jay had dutifully gotten out of the car and grabbed a cart, waiting patiently for Erin to carry the toddler over to the sidewalk outside the store and place her down where she’d run to him and hold up her arms to be lifted into the cart.

Except today, Millie didn’t.

She followed her mother’s instructions to the letter; stay at the wall side and go straight to daddy. Erin herself was a couple of paces behind, close enough to snatch a wayward toddler as she waddled along the sidewalk, stomping extra hard to make her sneakers light up all the way to daddy. When she reached Jay, however, her little fingers simply wrapped around the metal of the cart and held on, waiting for Erin.

“Okay, Mills, let’s go.” Jay told her, looking at her; confusion on his face, Erin’s too when she eventually approached.

“I’s fine.” She sing-songed, her sweet little voice carrying even in the wind.

“Mills.” Jay warned, raising an eyebrow as his two-and-a-half-year-old daughter still didn’t look at either parent.

“Imma big girl daddy, I’s walk.” She stated determinedly, her resolution as fierce as her mother’s.

“Mills, you gotta get in the cart in the store.”

“No, thank you. I’s fine.”

“Mille.” Jay sighed and tried a different tactic, moving around and crouching down to be eye level with his daughter; she had her mother’s dimples, his dark curls and Erin’s tiny little button nose but she had his eyes. Her entire face at that moment was angelic, a picture of pure innocence and that was the face that usually meant Jay would give in. But not in a store, never in a store when anything could happen. “Millie, if you walk in here? You could get lost and mommy and daddy would be really upset. We’d cry super hard and you don’t want that do you?”

The toddler let out a long-suffering sigh and gave Jay a look that reminded him so much of Erin he had to pause for a second to remind him that it was his kid and not his wife that he was talking to. The sniggering coming from behind him to his left was enough of an indication that Erin, too, found this hilarious.

“Daddy,” Millie started, a raised eyebrow and one hand on her hip, the other with a death grip on the cart. “I’s can walk. I’s a big girl.” She told him, reaching out her little hand to pat him reassuringly on the knee, “I’s okay.”

Erin was practically snorting with laughter behind him as she tried to keep a straight-face, Jay however, was too stunned to even do anything other than continue to crouch and look at his daughter, who was now giving him such a pointed look that he was beginning to think he’d stepped into a twilight zone.

“Uh.” Jay started, blinking a few times. “You gotta go in the cart.” He mentally cursed himself because at that moment his kid had formulated a better argument that he could and it killed him.

Millie rolled her eyes and looked up at Erin, once again, her sweet little face nothing but innocence. “Mamma, tells daddy.” She stated, pointing at Jay. “I’s a big girl. I’s walk.”

“No, baby.” Erin shook her head, trying to be serious and keep the smile from her face as she debated the merits of going in a cart with her toddler. Outside of the supermarket. For everyone to see. “Daddy’s right, you gotta go in the cart so you’ll be safe.”

The look that Millie gave Erin, accompanied by the gasp of sheer betrayal almost flooded Jay. Her little eyes looked wounded, tiny little mouth forming into a pout as her eyebrows drew down into a soft V. The hand that had been on Jay’s knee fisted and moved back to her side where she continued to stare at Erin as if to say Et Tu Brutus?

Then Millie turned to Jay, once again all innocent eyes and she leaned in, “Sure I’s can walk, daddy? Sure I’s allowed.” And Jay had to fight the urge to laugh because not 30 seconds ago was she trying to get her mother to tell him that she was allowed to walk.

“No Mills. You’re going in the cart, you don’t want mamma and daddy to cry super hard because we lost you do you?” he asked, reaching out to tickle her tummy, a move that usually had her laughing, but this time he was met with a glare as he stood up and held out his hands. “C’mon Mills.”

“No, thank you.” Millie stated and Jay silently cursed Erin’s stubborn nature and that being the personality trait she got from her mom. Jay raised an eyebrow at Erin and she gave him a lopsided grin as they silently communicated how to deal with a toddler who wouldn’t let go.

Eventually Jay took her wrist, leaning down to her again, “Millie, you’re going into the cart, that’s enough.” He stated, trying to sound firm, but her fingers were going white with how tightly she was holding on and even when Erin intervened, she wasn’t for letting go easily. It took them both to pry her fingers from the metal bar, Jay slipping his hands beneath her arms and lifting her, sighing audibly when she tensed up and wouldn’t bend her legs for him.

“Camille Marie Halstead.” Erin’s firm but gentle voice was quiet and once again the toddler rolled her eyes but went lax in Jay’s arms, enough for him to slip her into the seat safely. “You’re in there because it’s safer for you than you running around. We don’t want you to get hurt, okay?”

The toddler beamed at both parents, an angelic happy smile on her face, dimples in full force. “Okay.” She stated happily, as though they hadn’t spent the past half hour debating putting her into the cart in the first place.

“That’s your fault.” Both Erin and Jay muttered under their breath at the same time, raising an eyebrow as they regarded the other. Jay was the first to pull away and smirk, his grin getting bigger when Erin put her hand in his back pocket.

“Bicsuts!” Millie clapped happily as they approached the aisle with the biscuits and treats. Erin dutifully read off the list. See, Millie had a thing while she sat in the cart of the grocery store to amuse herself. She would either pick the item off the shelf or be handed it and then toss it over her head into the cart, laughing almost manically while she did so.

Naturally, they were selective about which part of the cart they put certain items in and which items they allowed her to put in the cart. Chips, biscuits, candy, paper towels. Those were the safest. Sometimes they’d let her throw in some packets of meat or fish, but that was usually it.

“Okay, get the green packet, princess,” Erin instructed and Millie made grabby hands until Jay moved the cart close enough for her to grab what she wanted, holding them up for Erin’s nod of approval before shouting “wheeeee” and chucking them over her head.

Jay winced as they crashed into the bottles of water, continuing to push the cart, sighing when the tiny human continued to pick up biscuits and throw them over her head, making various animal noises as she did so.

“SHISPS!” Millie yelled bouncing in her seat and Jay threw his head back in laughter at her excitement over chips. She’d only recently been allowed to try them; Erin terrified she’d get a sharp edge stuck in her throat. They’d fast become Millie’s snack of choice – second only to carrots and the way she’d stare at Jay as she ate them had him sleeping with one eye open, - and her excitement was always infectious whenever they came into the aisle. “CHEESE!” she yelled again and Jay blinked at the way she clapped her hands and her eyes widened almost comically when he reached up for the cheesy chips she loved so much.

Millie took them from Jay, thanking him over and over as she hugged the packet close to her, childlike love and glee all over her face.

“One day, I’m gonna find me someone who loves me as much as Millie loves cheese chips.” Jay stated, earning himself an indignant snort and a whack on the arm from Erin.

“One day, I’m gonna find someone who earns my love, the way cheese chips earned Millie’s.” She countered, smirking at him. Jay grinned back, keeping one hand on the handle bar of the cart as he pulled Erin back into him, his hand splaying over her midsection.

“I think we have actual proof that I’ve earned it.” He told her, his thumb caressing the barely-there bump hidden by her sweatshirt.

“Not the same thing.” She tried to tell him, but her raspy voice was now husky and he knew he’d affected her. “Love you,” he whispered, pressing a kiss to her cheek, turning back just in time to see his child kiss the bag of chips. “Baby, you don’t know where that’s been.”

“In your hands.” Millie quipped back, “an on tha shef.” And with that, the chips were thrown over her head and she made explosion noises as they hit the rest of the contents of the cart. Noises that mainly consisted with her spraying spit everywhere and Erin looking utterly disgusted.

“Never gonna need any kind of DNA test for her. She’s definitely yours.” Erin told Jay, earned a snort and a swat at her ass.

“Excuse me. Have you met yourself? It’s been three years and you finally allowed me to hang a towel rail in the bathroom.” Jay counted, his hand moving back to the handle of the cart as Erin wrapped her arm around his, leaning into his shoulder.

“Only to make you stop nagging me.”

“Three. Years. Erin.” Jay punctuated each word, looking down at her as she studied the list.

“Technically, it was more like five. Longer if you count when we didn’t date. Probably closer to about 8 years.”

“You’re not making this better for yourself.”

“It can’t get any better for me.” Erin told him as she beamed up at him, a smile on her face as she leaned up and pressed a kiss to his lips, her favorite smile of his lighting up his face just as she pulled away.

“yuck.” Millie groaned, both of her parents laughing when they pulled away to find her looking at them through her fingers. “get a woom.” She muttered and both Erin and Jay blinked at her.

“Gonna kill Ruzek.” Jay muttered to Erin as they made their way to the cashier they always seemed to encounter, ignoring the fact that Millie had stated that; knowing that if they told her off for it, she’d do it all the more, something to do with the terrible twos. Apparently, though, Ruzek was also in that category, because they’d told him repeatedly to watch his mouth around Millie.

“Mills, you wanna go to the park on the way home?” Erin asked as Millie had spotted her next victim, an elderly couple in the queue. Millie had another thing in the grocery store. Chatting to strangers. Literally anyone would do and she’d strike up a conversation and nothing was off limits for her. She had announced last week that her mom had gotten her dad boobs for his birthday, causing Jay to almost die of embarrassment on the spot and Erin to almost die of laughter. It was a cake in the shape of a bust and it had been Antonio’s idea.

“No, thank you.” The tiny human shook her head, yawning. “I’s sleepy.” She stated, looking pleadingly at Erin. Jay immediately switched places with his wife, loading the items onto the conveyor belt as Erin leaned on the cart, her elbow on the handle and holding her hand up for Millie to put her head on, letting it rest there and counting back from 10. She made it to 4 before the little girl was sound asleep, her head on Erin’s hand.

They’d tried taking her out to the car and putting her in her car seat, but it only meant she was crying and grumpy by the time they got her home for a nap and it took her forever to settle which had a knock-on effect for bedtime. So now they had this routine; which would allow for them to have her asleep and rested for her nap in the afternoon.

Jay and Erin knew as they made their way to the car to load the groceries and the child that it would take a few trips up the stairs – Jay, never Erin – to get the groceries in and put away, but the look on Millie’s face as Erin carefully lifted her into her car seat, carefree and peaceful, that it was all worth it.

[glasgowgirl92-blog]

OKAY! SO! Surprise!Fic. 

I’ve been obsessing over CPD 3x17 for about a week, then I got talking to the lovely @halsteadpd about a lot of things and something that was said today sparked my inspiration meter and we have this. I’ve always thought about this situation; Jay with blood on his hands and not cleaning it off. So this little ficlet is set between Jay and Erin’s hug and Jay and Hank in his office. 

Also, it’s @halsteadpd‘s birthday so if you haven’t said happy birthday yet, you should. This is for you, bb! Happy Birthday! 

Wash Away my Inequity and Cleanse me from my Sins.

Jay was used to this feeling; the numbness that set in after watching someone he knows get hurt or when he has to take a life. His hands hold the power to save and to kill and he’s known this since the day he joined the rangers. The intensive training he’d been through, he’d been taught hand to hand combat skills and could very easily snap a neck in one quick move should he need to. It’s always been a notion that never really sat right with him; a power he could never make peace with. Having a weapon, a gun was one thing, he shot that and could wound, maim or kill if he was fired upon. But there was something entirely too personal with using his hands.

He’d been here before, in this position this exact same spot, both for similar reasons. Jay was too focused to pay much attention at what was happening until he was right in the middle of it and then it was too late to back down or pull away, because she wouldn’t let him for one and two, his need for cleanliness dictated that this had to happen.

The first time it had happened, he’d been sitting in the hospital waiting room waiting for news of Maddie, when a small hand had curled around his bicep and tugged him to his feet, dragging him out into the parking lot and shoving him into the car. He didn’t have the heart to protest, swamped and drowning in guilt and shame, enough for Erin to have patted his leg as they drove, enough of a silence between them for her to start talking about her days in the academy and this one dude who Jay reminded her of. Erin had huffed and dragged him out of the car and up into the locker room, depositing him on one of the benches before she disappeared and then returned with a bowl of water, a bar of soap and a towel and a wash cloth.

Just like she was doing now, she’d put the bowl beside him on the bench and then straddled it, raising an eyebrow, her hazel eyes pleading with him to follow her lead, a smile a reward when he complied so the bowl of water was between them. Her touch always soothed him, one brief touch was always enough to quell the storm inside of him, quiet it enough for him to get himself back in check. It had taken him a while the first time to recognize what she was doing, but this time he knew. This time he understood and while his pride took a hit, something else, something warmer inside filled his veins and it slowly turned into something peaceful.

There was nothing he could do to make sure Terry was alright; it wasn’t looking good. The amount of blood he’d lost, the way he’d gargled and choked on the ground flashed through Jay’s head reminding him of Maddie; reminding him that she pulled through, so maybe there was a chance. There was hope.

Jay’s eyes drifted from the spot on the wall to the woman in front of him who had just rolled up her sleeves and had taken one of his hands in hers; dipping the cloth into the water before running it over his hands. He wanted to tell her he wasn’t hurt, but she was being so gentle and it stung. Erin was gently wiping away the blood from his hands, the water was warm but it wasn’t overly so and he knew she’d probably checked it before she brought it to him. She lathered the cloth before moving it over his hand again; making sure she cleaned every inch of his hand from wrist to fingertip. Erin was so careful and Jay was riveted by her methodical movements; the way she’d clean and then rinse, slowly lowering his hand into the now pink coloured suds. Just as gently as she washed his hand, she dried it, in the exact same way.

The noise in Jay’s head was silent now; the anger and the rage and the pain and the fear were so silent because Erin had his hand in hers and he knew without a shadow of a doubt that she’d hold his hand no matter how far he had to go on this; no matter the road he’d have to take to get the guy and nail him.

The first time Erin had done this for him; had dragged him into the locker room and washed his hands for him, after Maddie, he’d had a mouth full of apologies. He’d so quietly asked her for her forgiveness, for almost getting her hurt, getting her killed because it could have been her there. She’d linked their fingers together, the bloodstained studs covering her hands, too and she’d looked him in the eye and told him that it wasn’t his fault. Reminded him that the bounty that was on his head was on it because he’d taken down someone who was going to take her out. Erin had held his hand, his gaze and as she looked into his eyes he knew then that he’d gladly hand over his soul for this woman if that’s what it took.

She’d forgiven him right away and it wasn’t until months later when she was asleep in his arms, her warm body wrapped around his, her head on his chest, that he’d finally accepted that she was safe, that she was okay and even if she had to strap her own vest on now, she was still safer than she had been with him in that bar that night.

Today, though, today as she moves onto his second hand, Jay’s eyes are the ones seeking hers, needing to catch a glimpse of the hope that’s in front of him; of the real of the tangible. Erin finally grants him the look, the chance to see that while things might not be okay right now, that they would be, that she was there for him. Once again, her fingers slowly link with his and he chokes back the tears because her hands are so small and soft compared to his, but they’re just as strong and just as powerful as his. There’s an audible sigh as she leans in, and his head meets hers and they just breathe the same air and Jay realizes that although this time is the same was with Maddie, it’s different.

This time, it could have been him and not her. This time it could have been Terry’s hands pressing against his wounds, Terry’s voice telling him to hold on. This time she could have been Lissa, she could have been the one racing to the hospital to work out what the hell had happened. This time she understood how he’d felt the first time, knowing that when he’d woken up with her that morning and they’d had breakfast and joked around and he’d fireman carried her into the bathroom as she swatted his butt, that it all could be the last time and Jay’s sure she hears his thoughts because they shudder around the same time and Jay steals a kiss, leaning in to press warm lips to her, a promise to them both that they were safe and this time it wasn’t them.

Erin finishes off cleaning his hand in silence, drying it just as softly and right when she goes to move, she freezes and Jay’s eyes widen at the look in hers; the pain he sees causes his heart to clench and he reaches for her right as she brings the damp cloth to his face, a shaking hand tentatively wiping the blood from his cheek, the palpable relief that comes off of her when she realizes that it’s not his blood fills him and he has to stay seated for a moment as she swings her leg over the bench and picks up the bowl, disappearing with it.

Jay takes a couple of steadying breaths before pushing to his feet, finding her running the water, the pink suds washing away as he wraps his arms around her from behind and presses his lips to her hair, her damp hands resting on his, linking their fingers.

“We’re gonna get em.” She whispers and her voice is resolute, just like the last time.

“I know.” He nods, the argument already forming in his head because Voight is absolutely not taking him off of this case and he’ll fight him for it if he has to; he will literally throw hands if that’s what it takes.

“Jay.” She says, their eyes meeting in the mirror and everything they’re not saying is held in that one syllable of his name. His name has never sounded so heavy, so full of hope and promise and life and he finds himself smiling despite the situation as he pulls her close, wrapping his arms around her as she clings onto his arms, anchoring him.

“Erin.” He whispers back, pressing another kiss onto the back of her head, resting his cheek there, hoping she gets it, hoping she hears everything that fear and loss are keeping him from saying.

She opens her mouth to say something else when Antonio taps the locker, letting them know he’s there.

“Jay, Voight wants you in his office.” He says, tone just enough to carry the implication that Jay is going to have to fight for this one and he thanks Tony before giving his girl one last squeeze and stepping back, her hand not letting his go until they physically couldn’t reach.

“Hey, Jay?” Her voice carries through the room and he moves back to look and see what Erin needs to say. “Just remember you have back up.” She tells him and in that moment, the crushing feelings of pain and anger and fear that threaten to overwhelm him now that she’s not in his arms are squashed flat, hope residing in their space. He gives her one nod before heading off to Hank’s office, ready to fight for his friend knowing that he has hope in his corner.

[glasgowgirl92-blog]

Lullaby: The Girl you Think I am.

Okay, so ficlet time! This is a tiny little short piece because I heard this song and it wouldn’t let me not write it. I’ve always written Jay as someone who absolutely builds up the women in his life, he’s always told Millie she would conquer the world. So this ties in with it.

EDIT: seeing as this didn’t post, I’ll add in a huge apology and state that the playlist fic will be up in a couple of hours!

tagging list: @halsteadpd, @queseraone, @erinlindscys, @writteninthestarsandthesky!

Remember if you want added to the list, just let me know! 

Dear Dad,

It feels weird writing this long hand. I’m so used to picking up the phone and calling you or sending you a text. I just figured that with the wedding coming up, I’d do something special and with your weird detective skills, this wouldn’t have stayed special for long, because you would have found it. It’s hidden under the floorboards at Al’s place. I don’t actually need to pee as often as I say I do in his place, but I think you know that.

I guess I just wanted to say thank you, you know, for everything. You’re a badass, but I know you don’t really do major emotion in public, so I figured I should get this out of the way first. This will find its way to you at the rehearsal dinner, give you time to process it before the big day.

I always wanted to be just like you, Daddy. I wanted to be tough and strong and quiet and together. I quickly found out that as tough as I am, I’m also pretty damn soft. I cry whenever I hit a crime scene with a kid, I get angry as hell when there’s neglect or domestic violence involved. I bring the job home with me every single day. The thing is though, you don’t see me as soft. You see me as fearless, even when I called you because there was a spider in my bathtub and you came over and got it without teasing me. You’ve seen me broken, dad, you’ve seen me shattered into a million pieces, yet when you and mom threw me that dinner when I graduated from the academy? You got up in front of a group of our closest family and friends and told them that aside from mom, I was the strongest woman you knew.

You let me go to school on the other side of the states because I wanted to study criminology near a beach. Mom told me you cried in the car on the way home; you never told me that. I never doubted for a second that you’d worry about me, because that’s who you are, but I never thought that being so far away would hurt you so much. I’d apologise, but I’m not sorry I went, only for the worry it caused you.

I know with mom heading up intelligence that it’ll be a while before I get to join the unit, but still, I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate everything you’ve done for me. For all of the opportunities you gave me; the support you always give me. It’s kinda cool when your dad rocks up as your back up on your first major drugs bust. It helped steady my nerves a little, knowing that nothing could happen to me with you up there in your little nest, with your rifle, keeping an eye. Uncle Adam takes the best pictures. Not many people can say they have the moment they took out a drug Kingpin framed on their wall. I know you were proud of me then, too, because the copy that mysterious appeared on the wall in Molly’s didn’t get there by itself.

You’ve never made me feel anything less than fearless, that I can take on the world and I know I can do that, because you taught me everything you know. You told me one night, when we got called in for a huge bust, when you came over to share the intel and make sure I was safely strapped in my vest, that if my hands ever trembled to put them in my pockets. I always do.

But the thing is, dad, wedding dresses don’t have pockets. So I might need you to hold my hand tomorrow when I’m walking down the aisle, because I don’t want people to know I’m scared.

All I’ve ever wanted is to make you proud, pops.

I hope I can live up to the reputation of the girl you think I am.

Love you.

Forever and always, your Mills.

[glasgowgirl92-blog]

Golden

Okay, So I had started writing this, but then @halsteadandlindsay backed up my idea. If you listen to Golden then hopefully you’ll end up with the same feels. I really do hope ya’ll enjoy this little drabble!

Golden 

Cases like this, like the ones they’d faced today, always hit Jay hard. Erin had noticed from the first case involving kids they’d caught after he joined the unit that he always seemed to connect and take them hard. He wasn’t one to show how much they’d affected him, not really, but he’d had subtle tells and Erin had picked up on most – if not all of them. Today had been particularly tough; three tender-age victims, arson and two extremely uncooperative suspects had Voight sending the Unit home in spells for a couple of hours R&R to keep them fresh enough to find something to nail the guys.

Adam and Kevin had headed out first, bringing back pizza and coffee for those staying when they had returned, Erin had been content to let any of the others go before she and Jay, and the fact Jay didn’t move when Voight had said next two only showed that he wanted to keep at it. It was the pointed look from Voight that had Erin all but gathering Jay’s things for him, around him as he continued to sort through paper work. She had stood beside his desk while he actively ignored her as he read and reread the files right until the moment she put her hand on his shoulder and whispered his name before he stopped and begrudgingly got to his feet, sulking down the hallway to the 300. Antonio had sent her a sad smile and she’d nodded, walking quickly to catch up with him.

He’d wordlessly stood beside the car until she got there, climbing in and belting up before she’d even crossed the garage. Erin always enjoyed the silence, especially when she was with Jay – she’d always felt safe with him, if they were speaking or just sitting there in the silence, she knew he had her back just like she knew the colour of her eyes and the fact that it was 42 steps from her front door to her bed if she included her nightly routine.  Tonight, however, the silence was heavy and filled with something and Erin couldn’t really put her finger on what it was.

She tried the usual questions surrounding food, who would shower first, were they going to forego food in the name of sleep, or were they going to just chill on the sofa. Jay’s responses had been non-verbal and non-committal. Erin was close to calling him on his shit, right until the moment his hand rested on her knee as she drove and gave a small squeeze, but didn’t move. She’d glanced at him, a sidewards look that had her breath catching as she nodded once, accepting the silence immediately at the pained expression on his face. The mask he always wore to keep himself in check, but those eyes of his never lied, couldn’t lie to her anyway, and they were burning a hole into the side of her face and red rimmed and they didn’t have the mischievous sparkle they usually did. When they’d stopped at a spotlight, she eventually rested her hand on his and squeezed, bringing his hand to her lips and pressing a kiss against his fingers as she turned to look at him, swallowing hard at the sheer volume of relief that was coming off him in that moment that she almost missed the lights changing. Again.

With a four-hour break, they’d decided that they could pick something up on the way back to the district and just lounge around on the sofa for a bit, maybe catch a nap. Usually after cases like this, Jay would be too wired to sleep and he’d go work out before joining her beneath the covers and pulling her close. Tonight, however, he was the one to go into the bedroom and retrieve three of Erin’s pillows and the two blankets, setting up a nook on the sofa for them while Erin showered. His freckles stood out in stark contrast tonight, he was unusually pale and looked entirely too small sitting on the edge of the bed as he waited for her to come out of the ensuite. She had moved over to him before he’d been able to get to his feet, leaning down to press a soft kiss against his forehead, earning herself a slight smile for her efforts. Jay had stood, then, kissed her cheek and stepped around her into the bathroom, Erin’s heart sinking a little when she heard the lock click shut. They had come such a long way, but still had quite a way to go to get around the locked doors in the apartment. It was space, however, and considering she’d done it the night that Justin had--- Erin cleared her throat and stood, moving over to the dresser to find one of his shirts to curl up in while he did whatever it was he had to do to get himself focused again.

A half hour later and she’d wanted nothing more than to be curled up on the sofa drinking a cold beer, but technically they were still on the clock and they only had a couple of hours to really relax, so that was out of the equation. Instead, Erin had settled on making them both some hot chocolate, trying to remember the way Jay made it – trying to work out the correct ratio of chocolate power, to milk, to marshmallows. Jay had left the TV on, some old movie playing in the background of the softly lit apartment, enough to ward off the silence. She was so focused on measuring things exactly right into the two mugs that she hadn’t heard him approach and almost spilled the entire contents of the saucepan when he wrapped his arms around her from behind. Had it not been for his lightening quick reflexes they would have been paying a visit to med for burns; luckily, there was only a small spillage between the two mugs that Jay had cleaned up before Erin had even managed to put the pan back down on the hob.

“Warn a girl,” Erin told him sternly as she turned around to punch him lightly on the arm, the soft smile tugging at his lips had her grinning back at him and pushing up onto her tiptoes to kiss him soundly on the lips, her grin widening when he kissed her back and wrapped an arm around her; her partner was working back to being himself again.

“No fun in warning you.” Jay replied, leaning down to press a chaste kiss on her lips, soft and sweet. “Thank you,” he stated after a beat, his eyes locking on hers.

“That’s why you have backup.” Erin grinned, smoothing her hands up and down his arms, laughing when he reached around her for the spoon to stir the mugs, keeping her close and peppering a couple of kisses into her hair. She let him hold on, let him press her against his chest as he moved the cups around and reached into the cupboard above her head, bringing his hand up and pressing her face against his chest, a chuckle escaping from both of their lips, his rumbling through his chest against her cheek.

“Uh-uh, it’s my secret ingredient, can’t be a secret if you find out what it is.” Jay told her, his voice filled with the sassy teasing he usually reserved for her when she made him feel like a househusband at work.

She didn’t answer him verbally, instead, Erin chose to wrap her arms around him and nuzzle against his chest through his shirt, pressing a kiss right over the place her head sat when they were curled up together as she allowed for him to clatter around behind her as he used his body to pin her against the counter, to free his hands.

When she heard the cupboard close she looked up at his face and tiptoed to kiss him, earning herself that look. The one he gave her, all soft eyes and vulnerable. The look that made her want to protect him at all costs. Jay stepped back and holding both mugs in his hand as he backed up and headed into the living-room, to the faux pillow fort he’d set up on the sofa.

Erin paused to watch him; waited to see what he was going to do. Jay had apparently had the same idea, waiting for her to make the first move and Erin then sat down against one of the pillows, settling down and holding her hand out for the mug. With a smile, he passed it off and joined her at the opposite end of the sofa, taking a sip and nodding.

“You’re learning,” Jay nodded, earning himself a laugh from the woman before she took a sip and agreed.

“I think it’s time you tell me your secret ingredient.” She told him with a raised eyebrow, watching as he shook his head vehemently.

“Absolutely not. Then I’ll be redundant when it comes to hot chocolate making and you’ll own my ass there, too. I’m already a househusband at work, I’m owning it here, too.” He stated firmly, and if it wasn’t for the small little sheen of humour in his eyes, Erin might have believed that her man was being serious as well as sassy.

The had finished their drinks in silence, a comfortable one this time, as they watched Scarlett O’Hara on screen and Erin’s obvious disdain from certain scenes had had Jay chuckling, earning himself a swat at his knee which in turn earned Erin a raised eyebrow and a pointed Hypocrite look. It was after Jay had taken the mugs to the kitchen and washed them and the saucepan, that he’d made a move that had shocked Erin, frozen her momentarily. When Jay returned to the sofa, Erin had expected him to settle on the sofa and open his arms for her to crawl over so they could cuddle for an hour or so. However, he had sat in the space that she’d usually crawl over and then moved one of the pillows so he was laying on the sofa, his head on her lap, her hand curled around her leg.

When the shock had worn off, her hand immediately moved to his hair, stroking through the soft strands as he grinned up at her. She grabbed the blanket Jay had tossed over the back of the sofa and covered him with it, leaning down to press a kiss to his forehead.

“Is this okay?” his voice was so soft Erin thought that she’d imagined it, but the vulnerability in his eyes let her know that she’d heard him right and she grinned down at him, nodding.

“More than.”  She told him, kissing him again before adjusting the pillow at her back, smiling when he reached down to place his phone on the floor, having set the alarm. Afterwards, he curled smaller and let his eyes close, enjoying the way she was stroking his hair; allowing himself the small comfort.

Erin wasn’t sure when she fell asleep; or what had woken her, but the quiet pained groans that were filling the apartment had her alert. She began to move but the weight on her legs had her glancing down; frowning at the expression on Jay’s face and the soft sheen of sweat that was covering him. It took her sleep addled brain a second or two to work out that the noises were coming from him and a second or two longer to realize what was actually happening. Jay was having a nightmare. The man she loved was curled in the foetal position, a death grip on her leg as he muttered and pleaded about something; his body reacting to whatever was happening in his head.

She wasn’t sure what it was about, but her hand moved to Jay’s hair again, finding it matted with sweat, deepening her concern. Should she wake him? She didn’t know. Different people had different opinions on that; but Erin knew she had to do something, because Jay was becoming increasingly more distressed, increasingly more agitated, murmurs getting louder until she made out one word. Ben.

“Hey, hey, shh.” Erin cooed softly, moving her hand to his chest, feeling his heartbeat hammering under her palm. “Jay, hey, come on, you’re dreaming.” She couldn’t keep the worry from her voice, hated the way her voice shook when he needed her to be the strong one. She shifted slightly to lean down, kissing his forehead. “Jay, babe, wake up. Wake up for me.” She said a little louder, stronger, hand still stroking through his hair as she tried to pull him from the dream. “Jay.”

He woke with a start: a sharp intake of breath, eyes flying open and body jerking towards the sound of her voice. He was alert in the time it took her to lean back slightly, to give him room. He was breathless, however, eyes panicked and wide, heart hammering faster and Erin began to wonder if it had been the right thing to wake him up.

“Erin.” Her name was raspy on his dry lips, his mouth clearly dry as he swallowed hard and a soft pink coloured his cheeks. It was only then the penny dropped. He was embarrassed to be having the nightmare curled up like this, with her. He was embarrassed that she’d seen him like this. Seen him vulnerable.

“You’re okay, it’s just me.” Erin told him, continuing to stroke his hair, her thumb now stroking his chest as she kept him firmly on the sofa. “It’s okay.” She reassured him, a small smile on her face as she tried to regulate his breathing, clearly fighting for control. “This?” she stated, pointedly looking at him. “Is more than okay.” It was almost a battle, she could see he wanted to move, probably lock himself in the bathroom again in the guise of having another shower, but Erin needed him to know that it was okay for him to trust her, to lean on her should he need to. She leaned down to kiss his forehead again, continuing the soothing motions of her hands until he was calm enough for her to let him sit up.

He moved, but only slightly, and his fingers curled around here in the space he was just lying on the sofa. “You wanna talk about it?” She asked, when he wouldn’t meet her eyes, almost afraid they were returning to the silence of the car. This time, however, he shook his head in the negative and eyed her bedroom door and she knew he wanted to bolt, that much was now obvious. Erin squeezed his hand and eventually he looked at her, the same lost look on his face that made him look so much younger than he was; the same look that she hated seeing on his face. Jay eventually cleared his throat, opening and closing his mouth a few times before the alarm went off, causing both to jump, chuckling when he reached down to turn it off, hands still wrapped in hers.

“I think I should shower again,” he said quietly, “dunno when I’m going to get another shot.” Jay leaned over and pressed a kiss to Erin’s lips, taking her slightly by surprise but bringing both of her hands up to cup his cheeks, rubbing her thumbs over the slight scruff before pulling back and raising a brow.

“Fine, and a quick shave.” He grumbled, the shadows dissipating from his eyes as he stood.

“If you would have let me buy you that electric shaver in the sale—“ Erin tried to reason with him, laughing when he cut her off.

“—excuse me. Those things don’t work.” He pointed his finger at her, “I like my razor, it takes me five minutes. We’re good.”

“Then take your five minutes, I need to get dressed.” The reminder of Erin’s sentence was met with a scoff as Jay made his way to the bathroom, Erin waited to hear the click of the lock, grinning when she didn’t even hear the door close properly.

Jay was a long way from coming forward about his issues; childhood, army or pre-intelligence days and she got that. Understood it. Accepted it. She’d already set herself up for the long haul with him and he’d been patient enough with her; it was the least she could do to return the favour. As she made her way into the bedroom, she couldn’t help but laugh at the sight that greeted her; Jay in the bathroom, making faces as he shaved. When his laughter and sassy remark about her distracting him made her laugh harder and suddenly they were bantering back and forth about breakfast foods and what to take back to the unit and what his secret ingredient for the hot chocolate really was.

They weren’t perfect, but it was real. It was hard work and it was painful at times but they had each other’s six both on and off the job and that’s what was important.

[glasgowgirl92-blog]

Safe Inside

Okay, so Part 2! This is set after the season 2 finale but before season 3 premier. It’s shorter than usual, but this song spoke to me in ways few others have. Enjoy, Safe Inside! I’m open to song suggestions and prompts, so feel free to ask!

:D

Will you call me to tell me you're alright? 'Cause I worry about you the whole night Don't repeat my mistakes, I won't sleep 'til you're safe inside If you're home I just hope that you're sober Is it time to let go now you're older? Don't leave me this way, I won't sleep 'til you're safe inside

When Hank had returned without Erin, the team had been silent. No-one had looked up as he passed, no-one moved right away – only Ruzek had jumped at the sound of the door slamming. A thick silence had passed over the bullpen as the rest of the team faced the shockwaves of what that meant. They were down a team member. Whether it was short term or long term – that was unclear, but Lindsey’s desk was empty and if the further slamming of things was enough of an indication; Hank had her badge. Atwater had started a couple of sentences, Ruzek, too. Dawson had been the one to hold his hand up, causing them to close their mouths and not offer any more unfinished sentences.

The loss was tangible, it was absolutely felt by everyone as the silence descended once again, not even the sound of typing or pages turning could touch the silence.  Their team was down one and Jay was down a partner. He’d known she was struggling, had tried to help, had tried to have her back but it wasn’t good enough and it wasn’t the first time those kinds of efforts hadn’t been enough; hadn’t been spotted. He swallowed hard, eyes on the screen in front of him as his vision blurred a little as he tried to breathe as normally as possible. His fingers itched to pick up his phone and call her, ask her what was happening but he resisted, an ugly and unbidden image of the guy on her sofa permeating his mind and causing him to huff out a breath and try to focus.

The usual banter that had once filled the bullpen still hadn’t resumed, Dawson had made himself scarce, Atwater eventually had left the room, too. The emptiness was jarring and Jay had yet to look right across the space, hadn’t allowed his eyes to waver from the screen since Voight had returned. His hands shook as he tried to ignore the silence of the room, usually the lack of noise didn’t bother him but right now it was suffocating and Jay could hear his heart hammering in his chest. He caught movement out of the corner of his eye, Olinsky was making his way towards Voight’s office; the former partners had a kinship that Jay fully understood now. You have your partner’s six and you do whatever it is you must do to help them.

With that, the detective stood and snatched his coffee mug and his phone, making his way into the breakroom and over to the machine, hating the way his hands shook and his stomach flipped. He’d called her multiple times and got no answer, only recently having to leave multiple messages for her to get her to work. Jay had waited until after he’d poured his coffee and taken a sip, even placed the mug back on the counter before he brought her name up on his contact list and pressed call. As he leaned against the counter waiting for her to answer; he subconsciously began to crack the fingers of his right hand, sighing in frustration when he ended up with her voicemail. He tried again; another frustrated sigh escaping his lips when the same thing happened again. Jay ran his hand over his head, fingers ending up in his hairline as he tried for a third time; his call immediately being sent to voicemail this time.

“Erin, its uh, it’s Jay. I don’t know what happened, but uh, call me, okay?” He ended the call and turned around, smacking his hand off the counter and dropping his phone onto it, leaning heavily on it as he sucked in a breath, trying to stop the noise in his head, to rationalise this. Every possibility ran through his mind; from simple time off to her having left the unit, but he needed to know for sure and he wouldn’t know until she got back in touch with him.

But what if she can’t? The thought sprung unbidden and unwelcomed into his mind and he shuddered at the thought. Voight was a lot of things; heavy handed, brash, stern. Jay was aware though, that he wasn’t the only one on the unit who loved Erin, she was like a daughter to Hank and really, there wasn’t anything she could do that would cause Voight to hurt her.

“You doin’ okay in here?” Al’s soft tone filtered through his thoughts and Jay turned to face him, trying to get his mask back in place, trying to look as though he was fine and that there was nothing wrong and he hadn’t just been on the verge of a panic attack three seconds ago. His attempts were obviously futile, but the fact that Al’s face never wavered from indifferent put the younger man at ease.

“Yeah, just making coffee, want some?” Jay tried not to sound as exhausted as he suddenly felt, reaching for his mug to take a sip.

“I’m good.” Al held a hand up, but leaned against the doorframe. “Going on a donut run soon, I need some company. The kids talk too much.” Al’s voice never changed, either, but he also didn’t look away as Jay tried to act as casually as possible.

“Sure.” Jay shrugged, taking another drink of coffee. “Just let me know when you’re ready to head out and I’ll grab my stuff.” He nodded at the older detective, keeping the smile on his face until Al tapped the frame twice and gave him a nod walking away. Jay let out a breath he didn’t realize he had been holding and felt himself slump against the counter; mug shaking in his hands. The thought of food made him nauseous; but he knew Al had an ulterior motive for this, was trying to get him out because he never went on donut runs and any food runs Al went on, he took the Ruzek with him.

It was nice of the older detective to look out for him, but at the same time, Jay knew that nothing was going to make this any easier unless Erin herself came back and sat facing him at her desk. Even Erin who was clearly suffering from a hangover or something else sitting at that desk meant that she was within his reach and he could take care of her; actually, see her and make sure she was still okay. His phone buzzed against the counter and he jumped, grabbing for the device and letting out a string of swear words as he stared at the screen, slowly growing numb, the three-word message causing him to run his fingers over his hairline and sigh.

I’m sorry Jay.

He didn’t really know what that meant, what she was apologizing for, but Jay did know that he wouldn’t be getting anything more from his partner, not now, so he unlocked his device and swallowed hard, typing a message right as Al called about food.

Call me if you need anything, Erin. Anytime.

It had been a week and he hadn’t heard from her. It was Al who had eventually sat them down and told them that Erin had temporarily left the unit, Voight announcing later that she’d quit and that was it. Jay however, had still been sending texts, even though he knew Voight had given up. Erin had read every single one of them, but she hasn’t replied and it had hurt him more than he had cared to admit. He’d slept maybe a combined 15 hours in the past 7 days and it wasn’t enough. He needed to be sharp at work; their case was moving into dangerous territories, gang wars and shots were being fired here, there and everywhere. He’d already narrowly missed being shot and the look Voight had given him was enough for him to know he had to get his head back in the game.

Which is how he managed to find himself outside of her apartment, in his car, at 11pm. Jay knew he was probably inching into some kind of strange stalker headspace, but he needed to know that she was safe, if not sober. Jay had eventually visited the bar earlier, but Erin was nowhere to be found which lead him to believe she could be here. Her Livingroom light was on, but he couldn’t see any movement inside.

Jay jumped again, hand going for his gun when the passenger door opened only to let out an exasperated sigh.

“You’re outside my apartment and you’re gonna give me shit for getting into your car?” Even with smudged eye makeup, a slight slur and a glazed over look in her eyes, Erin was still the most beautiful woman he had seen. She looked tired, exhausted even, and was clearly under the influence of something, but she was there, within his reach, in his car.

“You haven’t called.”

“I don’t need anything.” She all but spat back at him and he ignored the way it felt like a punch to the gut and sounded more like I don’t need you.

Jay raised an eyebrow at her, and nodded once. “Still coulda called.” It was a weak answer and even in her semi-sober state Erin seemed to pick up on the fact.

“Why are you here Jay?”

“Because you didn’t call.” Because you left without saying goodbye. Because you quit. Because you didn’t say it was over.

“We just covered that.”

“Erin—“

“Don’t.” She told him, turning to properly face him, her arm leaning against the seat as she pointed at him. “You don’t have the right to come here and tell me how to live my life.”

“First off,” Jay mirrored her actions, an anger at being left bubbling to life. “I’m not coming here to tell you how to live your damn life, Erin. I came here because my partner, my friend up and left her damn job without a word to anyone. I’m allowed to be concerned. I’m allowed to come and check in with you because you don’t answer my texts or return my calls.”

Erin scoffed and shook her head. “Maybe I don’t do those things because I don’t care enough to want to.”

If she would have slapped him it would have hurt less. Jay swallowed and chuckled. “I know you care. I know you do, somewhere—“

“Jay, you don’t know me. You think you do, but you don’t.” He would have been more convinced if she would have looked him in the eye when she said that, but he could feel the icy grip of loss and numbness working its way through him at her tone.

“Then let me.” His voice was soft, pleading as he looked at her, hands itching to touch her, but knowing he couldn’t, the anger that was bubbling now gone, leaving him exhausted.

Erin gave him a sad smile, opening her mouth to say something before her cell sprung to life, filling his car and breaking whatever moment they were about to have. “Hey, Landon, yeah, I’m on my way up.”

Jay swallowed and looked away, bringing his hand to his hairline as he blocked out the rest of the call, not needing to know what her plans were.

“I gotta go.” Erin stated into the space between them, the distance seeming much farther now. When he didn’t turn to face her right away, she called his name and he turned to look at her, expressionless. “You gotta stop.”

Jay shook his head. “I’ll give you all the space you need, but you’re my friend, Erin. I’m worried about you. What you went through, no-one should have to face that alone.” He sighed and brought his hand down. “We’re all here for you, when you’re ready.”

It was Erin’s turn to let out an indignant snort and then out of nowhere she shook her head and opened the door. “You done, yeah?” she snapped and Jay wasn’t sure how the 180 had happened, but he was now looking at someone he didn’t recognize. “Go find someone else to save.” She spat, eyes looking anywhere but at him as she climbed out of his car and slammed the door, hurrying to her apartment building.

Jay had continued to text her; sometimes trading text but mostly not. He’d never stopped outside of her apartment again, but had driven by at least once a week. He’d spoken to Voight a handful of times before the Sargent had eventually told him that he’d filled Erin’s absence as furlough. That she was running out of time to sort herself out to come back. Jay had marked it on his calendar, checked it every day, he’d struggled with the idea of her not being there.

In every conversation the pair had had, she’d never told him why she left. She’d never really committed to leaving, she’d never told him it was over and that’s what he needed. Jay needed the closure if she had walked away. He needed her to look him in the eye and tell him that it was done. He hated how needy it made him sound; but the lingering doubt, the lack of finality, wasn’t something he could deal with. In his life, Jay had always had the black and white notion of who was in his life and why they were there, but she was his grey area. She was the one area of his life where uncertainty had taken up residence and wouldn’t go away.

Jay had spent more nights than he could count lying awake, working out how to get Erin the help she needed, how to help her talk. He’d called some of the people that had helped him when he’d first gotten back to clean up his act after his last tour to ask about getting help for her, without naming names, without giving any information. His efforts had led to people assuming that he was the friend and nothing about that had frustrated him more. Erin was his partner, and it was his duty to help her out of the hold she’d dug for him. Erin was his friend, and you always help a friend out when you can. Erin was…she wasn’t his anymore, but she’d always hold part of him and he’d always be the one who would be there when she needed him. No matter what.

It was then that Jay had had the idea, calling his friend at 4am.

“Yo, mouse, I need a favour.”

 Will you call me to tell me you're alright? 'Cause I worry about you.

[glasgowgirl92-blog]

Drive Safely

Just another Linstead Fic because this wouldn’t leave me alone until I posted it.  Spoilers for the end of season four. Set after 4x23 ended. 

Drive Safely

The little red box was beside the now empty bottle of bourbon that Will and he had started on when they’d gotten back from the bar. The bar that Erin hadn’t showed up to, despite the five missed calls, three text messages and the voice mail he’d left her, asking her how she was and how things had gone. He’d known, logically, that the news hadn’t been good news. He’d reasoned that it wasn’t something that Hank couldn’t work out, as much as he and the older man didn’t always see eye to eye – Erin was like his daughter and Hank would always do what was best for her.

Will had passed out on the sofa, half-filled glass still in his hand having drank much more than Jay himself had. They both apparently had demons to drown tonight. Jay merely shifted in his seat, leaning over slightly to put his glass on the small wooden table and picking up his phone and pressing the power button, frowning again when it only showed the photograph of them, curled together against the chill. He checked the time and ran a hand over his head, clearing his throat, stifling a smile and a laugh when Will mumbled something about Big Bird, the moment of levity causing a burn in his chest.

It wasn’t usually Will talking in his sleep that made him smile; the cause was usually some muttered affection from a smaller, much more feminine form as she rolled over onto her back up chest/knee pillows, but with her hand resting on his chest, the movement enough to wake him up and lull him back to sleep. Something he’d been sorely missing recently. Usually when things got heavy, when the weight of what he’d carried around from a child and the added baggage of his time in the desert, he’d slip into bed with her and hold her a little closer and a little tighter. He’d decided this time; however, to make the jump and to get himself some help to get out of the hole he’d gotten into this time; before it got blackout bad. He’d gotten help this time before he lost everything, before he and Erin had gone from working well to completely fractured.

He understood she wanted to help him carry the weight, to shoulder the burden of his past in the same way he’d always silently helped her and he wanted nothing more than to do that. To stay. To curl up around her and let her help him heal. He just couldn’t do that to her. He couldn’t inflict the unknown onto her because that was his problem he didn’t know what was wrong, what was causing him to feel the surge of panic at the most random moments of the day. Well Jay knew the big reason, knew what his doctors had said, but he couldn’t break it up into small enough chunks to deal with.

The group he’d been going to once a week had others who felt the same way, sometimes he’d talk a little bit and sometimes he’d talk a lot. After the first couple of weeks, he’d found his brother leaning against his car, with a coffee in his hand, waiting for him. Sometimes, on the days that he’d spoken the most, they’d sit in silence and it was enough to know that Will was there this time. When he’d barely spoken, the words too big to fit past the lump in is throat, he and will would go and work out in Antonio’s gym, or go for a run, because Will understood that sometimes he just needed to smash things like this with a sledge hammer before he dealt with them.

Which is why, after checking his phone again and seeing nothing, Jay Halstead stood and tidied up the small mess, picking up the ring box and slipping it into his pocket as he did so. When everything was squared away, he gently moved his older brother onto the sofa properly and took his glass from him, draining the amber liquid and walking into the kitchen to tidy that away, too. He almost dropped the glass when his phone buzzed in his pocket, shaking hands placing the glass on the counter and retrieving the phone with shaking hands, heart sinking when it wasn’t her number that lit up the screen, but a text from Al. His hand shaking harder when he opened the message, vision blurring when he read over the words, a ragged breath falling from his lips because this wasn’t what he thought would happen. Wasn’t how this was supposed to go.

The ring burned a hole in his pocket as he reread Al’s message. Short and to the point, as all of Al’s communications were. Erin is going to New York. Effective immediately. No pleasantries, no unnecessary information. Just the cold hard facts. Jay reached out a hand to steady himself against the counter, reminding himself to breath; in and out. In and out. In and out. He tried to remember the things that one of the other veterans at group had said about grounding himself; 5 things he could see: well, when he opened his eyes he could see the empty bottle of bourbon, the two glasses on the counter, the mug Will had bought him for his last birthday and the fruit bowl.  4 things he could touch; The counter, his phone, his shirt that Erin had bought him, and the ground beneath his feet. 3 things he could hear: Will snoring softly in the other room, the sirens off in the distance, the tap dripping no matter how hard he’d tried to turn it off.

His eyes moved to the offending object, glaring at it as though it had purposefully decided to irk him tonight. It was only then, before he could engage his other senses, that he felt calm enough to stand on his own two feet, that he didn’t feel like he was going to throw up or his knees would give way underneath him. It was only when he glanced down at the now dark screen that he realized what he needed to do. Shoving his phone into his pocket, and moving to the front door to pull his shoes on and grab for his keys and hoodie. He hadn’t had enough to drink that he was buzzed, but he still wasn’t taking the car. Which only left one thing. He would literally have to run.

It wasn’t the first time he’d done this; wasn’t the first time he’d decided to run a loop from his old apartment to hers, and if he was honest, it wasn’t the first time this week he’d made the loop from here to her place, just to check that she’d gotten home safely, worried that she’d slip into old habits. He was sure that Hank wouldn’t let it happen, but he’d promised to always have her back and this distance wouldn’t change that. He looked between Will and the door before shaking his head and deciding to call Al, call in a favour. He decided to do the one thing that he hadn’t done in a long time, he decided to ask for help.

Jay was frantically tapping his foot and cracking his fingers when they reached her building, eyes widening when he saw the trunk of her car open, her neighbour slipping a box into it, joined by Erin a second later before he disappeared back into the building after Erin had held up a finger; one box? One bag? One Minute? Jay didn’t know, all he did know was time was something he didn’t have any more and with a silent nod to Al, an unspoken thank you as he slipped out of the car and crossed the street. He put the fact he was having troubling finding the words into being breathless from the short jog across the street.

It was clear that he’d startled her, the wide eyes and the colour draining from her face as he got closer causing his heart to race. It was apparent she didn’t want him there, or she didn’t expect him to be there, one of the two, because she couldn’t look him in the face and her hands were shaking, even in the dim light there in the street.

“Erin –“

“—Jay.”

They both laughed slightly, a sad chuckle falling from their lips at just how broken and wistful those three syllables had sounded. His name used to sound like hope when she said it, now it sounded like pain, almost like she had swallowed shredded glass, her usual husk sounding painful and not comforting as it normally was.

“Just, hear me out.” He said, holding up a hand. He’d been trying to do this all day, but for whatever reason, it hadn’t worked. Just as he opened his mouth again, she took a step forward and pressed a finger against his lips, her eyes were wide and red rimmed as her hand planted on his chest.

“Jay.” She said it again and there was a little bit of hope, a little light at the end of the tunnel they’d been on and he swallowed as she tilted her head to one side, eyes softening and giving him the same smile she’d given him when he first told her he loved her, then the clouds drifted into her gaze and her other hand came up, smoothing over his chest before she gripped onto his hoodie, where the zip was still open and she couldn’t look at him anymore, tear filled eyes were everywhere but on him.

He opened his mouth a couple of times to say something, anything, but nothing would come out and he found himself wrapping his arms around her and pulling her close to him; just to feel her there. Jay held her close, memorizing everything about her face, just like he’d done a million times; her eyes, the curve of her lips, the way she felt tucked safely in his arms like this.

It was Erin who eventually broke the silence, a soft chuckle as she reached up to cup his jaw, a clear indication that she was doing the same thing he was. “I want to stay here, with you.” She told him, voice almost breaking as he flashed back to the night he left the apartment. “I love you, but I can’t.” she shook her head sadly and he only lifted his hand from the small of her back to cup her cheek and to wipe away the one tear that had fallen.

“I love you, too.” He told her earnestly because everything else he wanted to say was stuck; was irrelevant. Erin needed to go. Whatever trouble Bunny had gotten her into was too much for Hank to get them out of and this was the one thing she could do to make it easier. He wanted to say the words, drop down on one knee in this cold ass city and plead with her to stay, wanted to find Voight and hand over his badge and tell her he’d be on the next flight. But she hadn’t asked. They needed time and time had run out.

Jay felt his legs beginning to shake, his hand trembling as he felt her lean into him more, seeking his warmth and he did the only thing he could do; he cradled her to him. He held her close enough that she could maybe absorb everything he felt for her; he held her close enough that he could feel the chill from her cheek seep through the shirt he was wearing. They stood like that, her tucked neatly under his chin as she held him as tightly as he was holding her, long enough for Jay’s hands to get numb and him to become painfully aware of the fact he was wearing a hoodie and not the heavier jacket he usually wore. They stood long enough that he was sure he’d never warm up, her breathing even now on his chest, as she clutched the material of the jacket he had on before pulling back and stepping out of his arms.

“I have to go,” he barely heard her voice, the words softly spoken and only then did he realize that the neighbour hadn’t come back out. He nodded once, clearing his throat before he could speak again.

“I know.” He nodded, licking his lips and running a hand over his hair, fingers tracing his hairline. “Just, before you go.” He stuttered and stepped forward, pressing his lips against hers, hand gently cupping her face. There was a slight hesitation on her part and he almost pulled away again but her fingers were fisting in the material of the hoodie and pulling him close as they poured everything into that kiss; everything that they couldn’t say; should say, wouldn’t say.

He stuttered out a breath when they pulled back and she looked at him; dazed but ultimately, he saw the resolution in her eyes and knew that this was it; this was the moment she would get into her car and leave.

“All set?” Jay asked, instantly hating how vulnerable he sounded, how lost he felt as she opened her mouth to say something only to notice the last bag she was taking had been left just behind Jay. He followed her line of sight and raised an eyebrow at the duffle, unsure how it had gotten there but knowing it was his because he had one the exact same; a gift she’d bought him when they were planning on going away for the weekend. They both moved at the same time to pick it up, a nervous laugh falling from her lips as she stepped back to allow him to pick it up and it hit him hard knowing he wouldn’t be hearing that laugh daily anymore.

The small red box pushed into his thigh as he bent and grabbed the bag, hoisting it up and into her trunk, swallowing when she pulled it closed. He could ask her, he could mention to her that it was something they could aim for; work towards. He’d seen it on TV before where the guy had given the girl the box for the ring as a promise. He could do that; but then again he’d rather give her the ring and tell her that it didn’t mean they had to get married right now, that he’d wait however long she needed. However long they needed. It seemed like a plan, but by the time he’d decided on it, he had somehow managed to follow her to the side of her car and had opened the door for her and was watching her climb in and everything was moving so quickly and it was too late.

Her breath hitched when she looked up at him, his hand still on the top of the door, hers on the handle as she sat in her seat, those eyes that had broken him and put him back together so many times were now barely readable in the darkness. Jay could feel the tears, hot and heavy, filling his eyes and he was determined not to ruin this; not to have her see him cry in her rear-view because she was leaving enough behind, she was making a big enough sacrifice here. He didn’t want her carrying the weight of guilt with her that she’d left him crying in a Chicago street.

“I’m a phone call away, Erin.”

“I know.” She nodded, her bottom lip begging to tremble and he cleared his throat, stepping back slightly. “Don’t stop going to those meetings, okay?” Erin told him with a small nod, a smile and a stray tear. Jay nodded an affirmative, letting go of the door and stepping clear out of the way to allow her to close her door.

“Drive Safely.” He instructed, getting the same nod in return as she closed the door and started the engine, pulling out into the street and for the second time Jay Halstead watched as Erin Lindsey’s tail lights lit up the street as she drove away from where he stood, with his mother’s ring once again clutched in his hand.

[glasgowgirl92-blog]

Okay, so next fic to publish Safe Inside, War or Just Give me a Reason. 

They’re all started. I just need to know what order you’d like them in. 

[glasgowgirl92-blog]

Chapter 2 of Lullaby is going up tonight :) if there's something in particular you wanna see (teething, first steps, finding out she's pregnant) just lemme know!

[glasgowgirl92-blog]

Hi! I'm looking for a Linstead fic and hoping you can help. I read it on ffn or A03. It was about Jay having nightmares and accidentally hurting Erin. He bruises her wrists and he pins her down at some point with an arm to the throat. Next day, she's trying to hide the bruises, but Voight sees in the coffee room and asks what happened before he kills Jay, and Erin explains. Voight confronts Jay in the locker room and pins him by the throat too, asking how he likes it, then tells him to get help.

I haven’t read this fic, but I absolutely would love to read it! I’ve had similiar ideas myself.

I haven’t been around this fandom very long, however! Maybe @halsteadandlindsay, @queseraone, @sofferaddict may be able to help or know someone who can?