#lines of this song have me in a chokehold for this dude

[endeavvor]

"I wanna be a child climbing trees somewhere breathing in the fresh outside air — before I knew this life was unkind."

spotify wrapped - burn burn burn - zach bryan

@sihnon

[radlegowaffle]

hear no evil, se̵e̸ no evil, spe̸a̸k̸ no e̵̠͐v̷͍͗i̸̙͋l̸͎̅

[faotoni]

Confessions of a Teenage Jester

Synopsis: Fizz wants to open up to Blitz about something important. Hi there. I like 21 Pilots and the new album has me in a chokehold. I AM working on Aftermath, it’s just taking a lot longer because my muses have a lot to say. This is just silly and pointless and i have about 100 things I SHOULD be doing but In the middle of all that I was like; “hey. I wanna write.” So I derailed my life to do this. Song Inspo: Backslide- 21 Pilots I have a BlitzFizz playlist I was using to entertain myself when I was working on preparing for my vendor spot at pride. Blame that. And me. And 21 Pilots. I own none of my free will. :P Ages: I head canon that Fizz is two years younger than Blitz. The end. I have no rhyme or reason for this I just think that way. They are both teenagers in this, maybe 2-3 years before the accident. Also YES this is the same Terri from Aftermath. Yay for tiny role OCs :D Happy Pride! :D see ya the 31st :D

“Hey! Hey wait up you two!” A voice echoed and bounced off the old, decrepit buildings that lined the streets that ran parallel to Cash Buckzo’s circus in Greed. The buildings were all abandoned, left to rot or become home to vulgar graffiti and even worse bugs and mold as the years went by. 

The voice belonged to another circus performer, a tall Imp named Terri, who had one horn shorter than the other. He was a year older than Blitz and three years older than Fizz; he had been in the circus though around as long as the two of them have, his mom and dad falling on hard times, desperate to find success somewhere. Terri himself was ok; he was a tad loud and didn’t have the greatest “read the room” radar. 

“Shh, be quiet, we aren’t even supposed to leave!” Blitzø hissed once Terri caught up to him and Fizz.

Fizz offered a little wave before wrapping his arms around himself, a look of disappointment on his face. He wanted this adventure to be just the two of them, Blitzø and himself, like it always was. The two were going down the road to the old carnival, to see if they couldn’t reactivate some of it and have a fun night riding some rides or just freaking each other out by hiding behind things, or finding old masks to scare each other with. 

“Then what the fuck are you doing out?” Terri asked raising an eyebrow and Blitzø, who waved his hand at him and walked closer to Fizz. 

“Come if you want, I’m sure you’d say something to my dad if you don’t…” Blitzø grumbled in response, quickening his pace and brushing against Fizz as he passed, causing Fizz to pause for a second and blush. 

Lately, things have been… weird. 

And they shared a room so it only made them weirder. 

It wasn’t weird to Fizz when he found himself attracted to guys, he sort of always suspected that, it was weird when he started developing a crush on his best friend. They were almost always together, they relied on each other to make it through the day, through performances, Fizz always being there to comfort Blitzø from his dad’s abuse… it wasn’t outside the realm of possibility that Fizz would fall for his best friend, it was just… weird. They were friends. They did friend things. Right? 

Right? 

Well… maybe that was a little bit of an understatement, they were more than friends some may say, and possibly why Cash didn’t like seeing the two together. They would sneak off at night to go swimming in unsuspecting demon’s yards, steal from local stores around the circus, sleep curled up together in the only tree in Greed, a thousand year old hard oak with no leaves left but the perfect bowed out perch to sit or lay in while watching everything from below. 

That past part was what made Fizz suspicious of Blitzø. He wanted to think his best friend felt some sort of way about him too, because there were little moments like that, the compliments, the reassurance, the “intimate” goofing off, that lead Fizz to believe, to hope that Blitzø felt something, but he wasn’t sure. Hell, he wasn’t even sure if Blitzø knew. 

“Dude. When have I ever done that?” Terri asked, leaning an arm of Fizz’s shoulder while they walked. 

“Uh. Last week. When I gave you some of my dad’s booze and you fucking told him!” Blitzø complained, turning to face Terri. When he realized Terri was leaning on Fizz, Blitzø took Fizz by the wrist and pulled him to his side, prompting him to run by tugging at his wrist. 

The two ran down the road laughing, with Terri running behind them trying to catch up. 

Stuff like that. 

The Carnival seemed darker than the street, even though the carnival had lamps and the street did not. The lights seemed to make everything darker, causing deep shadows over places that would otherwise wise be light. It was creepy, but also fun. 

“Alright we’re do we start?” Blitzø asked turning to Fizz who turned to look at Terri who was looking up at a tall tower ride. “This was your idea, Fizz.” 

“I know that, uh…” Fizz looked away and walked further into the park. One of the overhead lights caught his eye, the dim light shining on a round barrel looking ride. “That one.” fizz pointed to it, getting closer to it to inspect what it could possibly do. The pair of them and possibly Terri had never been to a carnival before, none of them could afford to go to Mammon’s “Loo Loo Land” but when that made the small park near the Circus go out of business, Fizz had the idea to at least go and check it out before Blitzø suggested they try to get the rides to work so they could at least try them out. 

“Alright.” Came Blitzø’s reply, closer to Fizz than he thought he was. Blitzø was standing next to him, observing the electric panel that made the ride work. “I mean if I could read…” Blitzø started pressing buttons until the lights around the ride turned on and a loud horn blared, shaking the ground and causing the two Imps to jump back. 

“Whoa! That one works!” Terri yelled from wherever he was, somewhere behind the two. 

“Yeah hopefully.” Blitzø said; tongue out in concentration as he studied what button to press next. 

“Big red button says start…” Fizz offered from over his shoulder, putting a shaking hand on it before smiling at him in reassurance. 

“You’re a nerd.” Blitzø fired back making a face at him before turning back and pressing the button Fizz suggested. The barrel started to lift up, a couple of loud creaks from months of abandonment as it stretched up to its tallest position before the whole barrel started spinning, some obnoxiously loud dance music accompanying its ascent. 

“Awesome!” Fizz said jumping up and down. Terri had joined them next to the ride. 

“So how do we get on?” He asked. The three looked at each other. 

“Well, I guess we would have to take turns, someone has to be out here to press all the buttons, so it actually works.” Fizz explained. He looked back at the panel and reached over to press the stop button. The ride slowly stopped spinning and returned back to its resting position. “I think Blitzø and I should try this ride out first, you can press the buttons for us.” 

“Okay but I ain’t doin’ it every time. I want to try them too.” Terri said raising a brow at the pair. Blitzø smirked evilly, sharing the look with Fizz who took a second before realizing what he was thinking, causing Fizz to look down and blush, chuckling. 

“You are NOT leaving me on one of these fucking things.” Terri growled, pushing Blitzø playfully. Blitzø and Fizz burst out laughing. 

“Alright alright just promise us you won’t tell my dad shit.” Blitzø said, holding a hand out to Terri. He rolled his eyes but accepted the hand. 

“Fine.” Terri agreed. Fizz regained his composure and walked Terri through the 3 buttons he needed to press for the ride to work before he and Blitzø entered the ride. They both looked at each other as they realized the ride didn’t have seatbelts, but it appeared that there was a ledge and the floor drooped out. 

“Uh. Ha-ha…” Blitzø said walking in and standing against the wall. “Good luck to us I guess!” He giggled as Fizz closed the door, trying to figure out how the ride worked exactly before taking his place next to Blitzø, the two of them sharing a look. 

“Alright Terri!” Blitzø yelled. The ride started playing its music and rising and the middle of the floor opened up. Fizz guessed that the spinning would keep the two of them in place and that they would both not be violently flung from the ride but he was nerv-

Blitzø took Fizz’s hand, linking their fingers together and squeezing tightly. Fizz blushed and the lights around them flashed before going out completely. The barrel started to spin and fizz felt his body press against the back of the wall. Blitzø let out a loud laugh before yelling; “Fizz! Try lifting your arm!” Fizz tried lifting the arm that wasn’t holding Blitzø’s hand, it wouldn’t move. 

“What?” Fizz asked in disbelief, trying again and laughing. He tried to lift his head too but it wouldn’t budge. 

The ride was over too soon. 

“Woooo!”Blitzø yelled after the ride came to a stop. He started moving before the floor fully closed and tripped on his own feet, falling to the ground. Fizz moved forward, concerned before Blitzø let out another “woooo” before laughing and rolling over, looking up at Fizz. 

Fizz smiled at him and held out a hand to help him back up. Blitzø took it and got up, their hands lingering together before fully letting go. Blitzø looked towards the door, which opened to Terri who was wearing a large grin. 

“My turn!” 

The night was exciting. Even with Terri there. The trio managed to get almost every ride to work, and spent a long time scaring the shit out of each other in a funhouse with broken mirrors and even more broken animatronics. Fizz just wished it was the two of them still. Before they had gone on this adventure, Fizz had tried to psyche himself up into telling Blitzø about how he felt, or at least about his feelings for guys. He thought he owed that to his best friend, being the first being he ever came out to. He was sure that Cash would give the two of them hell for it, Cash wasn’t the biggest fan of anyone “different”, though he wouldn’t outright attack Fizz for it, he would find a way to make it Blitzø’s fault. Fizz didn’t want that. He only wanted to tell Blitzø so that he might be able to help him hide, or maybe telling him might get rid of his crush, him finding out might just squash that. Fizz imagining Blitzø putting a hand on his shoulder and laughing at him saying something like; “that’s cool” would really kill the feeling.

Right? 

Regardless it was moot now. Fizz couldn’t tell Blitzø the truth. Not with Terri there. 

Unless…

“It’s getting late, huh, guys?” Terri asked, joining Fizz on the broken bench he was currently sitting on. Blitzø wasn’t too far away from them, standing on a fake plant and looking out over the rest of the park. 

“It’s always been late!” Blitzø called from where he was. 

“Yeah but don’t you think we should pack it up? They might start lookin’ for us.” Terri said. He wasn’t wrong, but, it was seldom that anyone checked around the sleeping quarters at night. No one really ever suspected Blitzø and Fizz sneaking off because they always knew around the time they should come back. 

“Pussy. If you want to leave you can. Me and Fizz’is professionals.” Blitzø said jokingly, jumping off the plant and casually walking over to the bench. Terri looked at Fizz who was looking off into the distance; the dim lights of Mammon’s “Loo Loo Land” filled the grey sky. 

“If you want to go ahead you can.” Fizz said. “It’s a nice night.” Fizz didn’t want to leave yet. He felt free and calm anywhere but the circus. Sure, he loved preforming but he didn’t love being abused, or being forced to diet, or being forced to practice for 13 plus hours a day, or being away from Blitzø… here, on the outside he could be free.

“Yeah I think I’m gonna head back.” Terri said standing up and brushing off his pants. “See you guys in the morning.” 

Blitzø and Fizz both bid Terri farewell and watched him disappear into the darkness of the street. Blitzø joined Fizz on the bench and signed, scratching his head. 

“Do we ever have to go back?” Blitzø asked almost miserably. It was a question that he asked almost every time they went on an adventure. Fizz felt bad for Blitzø. If anyone deserved to escape the circus, it was him. He got abused worse than Fizz was, once being sold to Royal snobs for 5$. Fizz couldn’t imagine having a family who you thought cared about you do that. 

“We could stay here forever.” Fizz said reassuringly, even knowing they couldn’t do that. He took a deep breath before reaching over and touching the top of Blitzø’s hand. Blitzø looked over at their hand before turning his over and holding Fizz’s hand. 

“We could run…” Blitzø suggested. Fizz liked the idea, imagining the two of them running away together, stealing enough stuff to buy a crappy apartment and being able to live together and do what they want, without the threat of being abused or starved for someone else’s gain. 

“I wish…” Fizz mumbled. It wasn’t feasible. If Fizz agreed and stood up and tried to pull Blitzø up with him, he would stop and ask Fizz about Barbie, or his mom. Blitzo couldn’t truly leave. He couldn’t leave them. It left Fizz feeling lonely. He didn’t have the same hang ups. He didn’t have a family. It was just him.

And Blitzø… 

“But we can’t.” Blitzo murmured, taking Fizz’s hand in both of his and playing with his fingers, causing Fizz to blush. He took a deep breath and looked away for a minute, figuring it was now or never. He should tell Blitzo the truth. 

“Blitzø, I need to tell you something.” Fizz said nervously, pulling his hand away and inching further away from Blitzø. 

“What’s up?” He asked, turning to look at Fizz who was looking at his knees. 

“I’m gay.” Fizz started. He couldn’t make eye contact with Blitzø yet. “I’ve known since I was like 8 or so. I just don’t know, I didn’t know if I should tell anyone, but you’re my best friend, and…” Fizz stopped as he felt Blitzø’s arm wrap around his shoulders and squeezed them. 

“I kinda figured.” Blitzø said laughing a bit. “Have you seen yourself? Haha, Barbie taught you to wear makeup because you asked!” He squeezed Fizz’s shoulders again and poked Fizz’s hand with his finger. “You’re wearing nail polish.” 

“Those are just stereotypes! I like all that stuff!” Fizz defended himself weakly. Blitzø rested his head on Fizz’s shoulder. 

“Uh huh. Yeah.” Blitzø said. Fizz sighed and put his head down on Blitzø’s. “I’m not surprised, is all I’m sayin’.”

“thanks, jerk.” Fizz grumbled, and pushed Blitzø away from him a little before smiling shyly.

Blitzø regained his composure from being pushed and slid back to his spot sitting next to Fizz, putting his arm around him again. “Thanks for telling me.” He said after a few seconds of silence. “I was just joking about all that, I didn’t really know… but it’s cool you know, I sure don’t…”

“It takes time I guess.” Fizz offered, not knowing too many other beings who had come out. He didn’t know if it was normal to know who he was so early. He figured it was more realistic for Blitzø to not know because of his dad, and his hang-ups on all that.

“Yeah, I don’t know…” Blitzø said almost sadly before shaking his head and standing up. “Now, it’s getting late, we should probably head back.”

“Yeah. Uh, don’t tell anyone else about…” Fizz started while standing before getting interrupted by Blitzø who hugged him.

“Of course I won’t. It’ll be our secret.” Blitzø said softly. “I know.”

-2 Years Later-

Dear Fizz;

Happy Birthday Circus-Pus!

hey, so, i wanted to talk to you about something important, but i didn’t know how to say it out loud, you know? the day we went to the pier, a few weeks ago when i told you i needed to tell you something, and i couldn’t? well, this is that, so...

remember when you came out to me? yeah well, it made me realize something... that i maybe felt the same way. i know now that i did, that i do. i really like you, Fizz...

 Maybe we could try to work it out, maybe we could actually run away... escape all this and be happy somewhere we don’t have to hide from anyone. we could start up our own circus, both be the stars! or you know, anything.

Maybe we could try? Even if we don’t run away?

We can talk about it,

Blitzø

Confessions of a Teenage Jester - Electoni - Helluva Boss (Web Series) [Archive of Our Own]

its here too :) same with Fate.

see ya in 500 years. o/

[miasmaghoul]

listen i just wanted to let you know about the absolute chokehold one singular line from a fic of yours has on my day-to-day life.

in your Mountain boot fic, Aeon says "treat me like your kick drum" and OH MY GOD. HOOOOOOH MY GOD.

i will be minding my own fucking business, and if i so much tap my foot to the beat of a song, that line is suddenly in my head and I'm thinking about that fic. Im listening to a song with a kick drum? im thinking about the fic. Im looking at my boots? Boom, that fic line is in my head.

Its seriously become a problem (/pos). youre an incredible writer and your stuff fucking STICKS with me.

Dude

Bro

B R O

This means so fuckin much to me omg I have SO MANY lines from other people's fics that do this to me gkdjhd THIS IS SO FLATTERING THANK YOU FOR TELLING MEEEEE

[gaylittlewizardcat]

So!!! I watched the UK international tour!!! In Sweden, on two different performances, and I have many thoughts about it. So here is a big post in which I’ve tried to make my brain’s incoherent screaming somewhat understandable <3 the problem is I forgot I was making this post and it is now months later ._.

This is less of an analysis and more just me cramming together everything I remember from the show into one monster of a post lol

The overture was incredible! It was so loud my entire chest was vibrating, and I know that sometimes makes people uncomfortable but I love it. I can’t point to anything specific that made the overture great, maybe it was actually hearing it live, but I loved it!

Tugger makes an entrance, even in chorus form. You know at the very beginning of Jellicle Songs when a few cats silently get on stage? Chorus Tugger hits the wall super loudly and startles the other cats when he arrives

Munkustrap has a pretty dark voice in this production and I’m a big fan <3 And at first I thought Cassandra did too, cause both times I watched it, when she says “Were you there when the pharaohs commissioned the Sphinx?” it sounds like she does, but not really during the “Jellicle cats have moonlit eyes” line. Idk much about voice types so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ but I did really like her voice (I really love international tour Cassandra so much so I’m definitely biased but her voice was great <3)

On Thursday Electra got the “When you’re walking alone” line, but she later swung on as Baby Griz, however on Saturday, Baby Griz got the line and Electra randomly appeared during the Jellicle Ball. I’m a bit confused about it but it was nice to see my girl Electra :D

During Jellicle Songs and The Naming, Cassandra and Mungojerrie were near each other and interacting with each other a lot, so I now have no other option but to headcanon them as friends <3

Misto and Cass were next to each other for like a second so Cassoffelees is canon because I said so

I love the mysic twins. Not for any specific reason I just do <3 this tour is the best thing to happen to the short haired cats’ wigs ever, I love their ears

In the first performance there was no boot that fell, so they just kind of awkwardly stopped singing and the audience started clapping a tiny bit before they picked up again, but it did fall the other time so idk what was up with that

I LOVE int tour Vicky, her design is so cute! You couldn’t really see her toasted marshmallow-iness because of the lighting but I’m assuming that’s intentional. She looked great though, and her solo was so !!!!

Ok so I know Vicky and Misto dance the invitation together in like all productions but please understand the severe chokehold monochromatic siblings has on me, them dancing together brings me much joy

Gumbie Tap is already one of my favorite parts of the show and this tour knocked it out of the park, Jenny’s “Smile!” in the middle of it is so good, it really gave the perfect vibes for my interpretation of her character. Her voice is amazing <3 the vibes were off the charts

I’ve made a note that Tugger’s voice was really good, I don’t remember exactly what it was that made his voice so good but like. Dude trust me, he’s got a good voice

Misto got the terrible bore line and really dragged it out like “Teeeeeeribel bore” it was great, afterwards he just sits on the car boot with Jelly and Skimble while pretending to ignore Tugger

When Bomba says the “curious beast” line she positively growls his name, a huge W for Tuggerlurina shipper

Casslonzo moment at the end of RTT, what better way to bond with your babe than thirsting over the guy you both have the hots for together

AND THEN GRIZ OH MY GOD Gunilla fucking killed it holy shit that voice oh my godddddd she’s a powerhouse and she puts so much emotion into her voice I was blown away every time she stepped on stage

I wrote “Bucket Boy stop being a bitch” and it doesn’t really add anything but I think it’s funny so I’m leaving it in. Munku steps in and stops Bucket Boy from being a bitch btw

Demeter looks like she’s reaching out to Griz before Bomba stops her??? my heart oof

I don’t mind the straight Griz wig for Gunilla. I think a lot of the time it makes Griz look to young, and can often, to me at least, contradict important parts of her characterization, but Gunilla’s vibes were just too amazing and she looked great, one of the few times I’ve seen a Griz with a straight wig and thought “Wow, yeah that’s really Grizabella how she should be”

Jenny is Jerrie and Teazer’s mum canon, she acts very Mum to them during Grizabella, they’re used to being trouble makers but this isn’t the type of trouble they like

Bustopher and the kittens have a bunch of cute interactions <3 example he scritches Carbucketty’s head its so cute

So Misto admires this man. He also does NOT like rice pudding at all. Blergh.

Bustopher knights Skimble with his spoon lol Also this Skimble is such a funky fella, he’s on all fours as much if not more than the kittens hehe

Teazer’s laugh is so cute <3

Misto’s voice when he asks the twins if it’s Old Deut </3 HE SOUNDS SO UNSURE OF HIMSELF

Misto spends a significant amount of the Jellicle Ball on the tire. He’s definitely played as a bit older than a lot of other modern productions, more like early London rather than 1998, he has a similar role to Munk so I guess that could be a reason? Either way it’s something I noticed I thought was interesting

You know after the white cat lift when they’re all on the ground? Tuggers mane is so big he sticks out so much it was kinda funny cause it’s this calm pause in the middle of a huge number and all I can think is “hehe Tugger is so fluffy”

Cass stops Vicky from touching Grizabella after the Ball???? Make of that what you will, but it was certainly A Moment for me

Here in my notes just praise Gunilla’s voice some more. It was just really good okay

She’s in the background during the Moments of Happiness and sings along with the chorus in Moonlight and it broke my heart like CAN’T YOU SEE SHE’S THERE AND SHE’S HURTING AAAAAA

Jelly <3 her voice is so good <3

Gus <3 he really embodies someone who’s mental energy exceeds his physical energy in a really heartbreaking way :( He keeps doing these movements like he’s preparing to do a scene but he’s too tired :(

The background of Gus’ number said Jemtoria rights btw

I’m in general not a big fan of new Pekes and Polls, I think it removes a lot of the fun in it even though I like the whole “Gus is doing theatre again” aspect, but despite that I enjoyed the number immensely because Munk and Gus’ voices are just SO GOOD like WOOOOOOOOOOOO

Tugger helps Gus change back from Rumpus Cat to his old coat btw. I thought that was important <3

OLD DEUT AND GUS HUG OMG I ALMOST STARTED CRYING THEEMMMMMM <3 Old Deut hugs are literally always amazing just because he’s big and fluffy and it looks so safe and comfortable but this had the added aspect of breaking my heart because Gus <3

Skimble!!!!!! Old Deut starts singing Skimbleshanks cause Rumpleteazer is upset and he wants to cheer her up :(

Skimble’s number is never not good <3 I had the train light shone in my face which was fun and Misto gave a lil wave to someone in the audience

My note here was “Hehe Mungo in da tube” which means that Mungojerrie was the one holding the chimney of the train, and when it all fell appart he was standing inside it laughing, it was great

Also! The feline staircase was Mungo and Munk, and Tugger was the one holding his hand. I think this version of Tugger is a lot more mature than a lot of other versions, but he kinda fades into the background? Idk, he seems much more like friends with the older cats which I think is really nice :]

In this one it’s more explicitly shown that Macavity is mind controlling the others when he kidnaps old Deut, they all fall asleep after he waves his hands at them

APPARENTLY THEY HAVE MULTIPLE PEOPLE IN MAC COSTUMES WHICH CREATES THE ILLUSION OF HIM TELEPORTING OMG I don’t know if this is new or has been a thing for a while but I didn’t know about it so when I saw it I was like :0 it was so cool

⚠️Warning, we now enter the “Nate has no clue what to say so get the unfiltered notes I guess” zone⚠️

This Demeter ough <3 is SO good. I love her.

Tbh? Macavity (the song) wasn’t as sexy as I feel like it should be. Don’t get me wrong it was fucking AWESOME and OMG THEIR SINGING but idk. Someone who doesn’t know anything about the show wouldn’t care (but I do <3)

THE FIGHT OMG the bass was so strong it was like I could feel my heartbeat /pos and after he fails to kidnap Demeter he goes after Bomba for a hot second??

THE EXPLOSION AT THE END. DAMN.

The twins (I don’t remember if this is referring to the mystic twins of the chaos twins lmao) making sure Munk is okay after the fight <3

Tugger’s silhouette caused by the train lamp when he starts talking is so cool

SPARKLE BOY ARRIVES FROM THE CEILING

I love,,,, him face <3 I need to make a “which Misto makeup design am I gonna be not normal about today?” post about him cause,,,, ough <3

He high fives Tugger, this production gave me very bro vibes for them <3

I love the way he moves, he is very cat <3

Cassoffelees canon the Everlasting Herself told me

OMG THEY RUN OUT INTO THE AUDIENCE AT ONE POINT AND CAUSE I HAD AN AISLE SEAT CASS GOT SO CLOSE TO ME DOES SHE KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE HER I had the stupidest grin on my face <3

Teehee he whispers in Tugger’s ear

ITS A SMALL THING BUT “Felines and friends” INSTEAD OF LADIES AND GENTLEMEN CATS IS THE GENDER CONFIRMED

HE DOES THE SHRINKY LIGHT THING AAAAAAAAA

Griz :0

Her voice <3 love her it’s AMAZING

When Griz falls all the cats sort of reach out to her as if to help her but stop themselves [cries]

Tbh just the slightest bit disappointed at the climax of Memory, she held that One note a bit shorter than I feel is necessary for the full effect BUT OMG HER VOICE OUGH

Hehe when Griz goes to the heaviside layer she just. Floats. Bye bye.

Here are some more general notes I don’t really know where to put

Right at the end of intermission someone was looking at their phone and Skimble stood super close to them and got super startled when they noticed him and a lot of the people who saw it laughed

THEN right after someone else was glued to their phone and Munkustrap rubbed his head against them and startled them and a bunch of people laughed again it was amazing

Cassoffelees is the most canon ever, during the bows they did a little spinny thing arm in arm <3 I think about them so much constantly

Misto also does these really precise chaînés across the entire stage and I thought it looked so cool it was awesome

Also. Cassoffelees as Victoria’s parents. Something to think about (I am Thinking about it)

And still. Gunilla is a fucking powerhouse. She’s up there with my favorite Grizabellas, like on par with Eleine Paige and Betty Buckley

In conclusion: Cats are excellent little creatures

[fr1d4y-wr1t1ng]

Your “Love Song”

Request: nooooo, I wanted to do an intro kinda writing thing lol.

Can I request?: absolutely.

Genre: Fluffy romantic head canons of the CC’s!

Content Warnings: none, except for swearing maybe. And of course my music taste /j (thought I would put this here, any references to a “her” or “him” has a they/them in brackets just letting y'all know)

CC’s in Post: irl!Dream(wastaken), irl!Sapnap, & irl!Wilbur Soot.

Description: These are the songs that I think would fit for your relationship with these CC’s!

Dream:

Cupid's Chokehold/Breakfast In America - Gym Class Heros

Holy shit Dream loves you so so so much it's unreal.

Like he would quite literally do anything for you like quite literally ANYTHING you can imagine.

Your day was shitty and you don't wanna do the dishes? He's got you covered.

You're sore from doing something physically exhausting? Don't worry, he'll do ANYTHING to make you feel better.

You got sick? He's already making soup and nursing you back to health.

He's semi-clingy like that you know?

Sometimes you may have to tell him that he doesn't have to do EVERYTHING for you, and that sometimes you can just do things yourself.

Remind him to take breaks too holy shit!! Like seriously mate go in there and REMIND HIM!!

But that's just because he loves you so much, he just can't express it any other way dude!!

I think the line that PERFECTLY sums up how he feels for you is “if I had to choose [them] or the sun, I'd be one nocturnal son of a gun.”

Just make sure you treat him the same, trust me on this one okay????? Pls?????

“Take a look at my [s/o], [they're] the only one I got!”

“George!!”

That's the only thing you've truly heard since he started streaming. You'd been sitting on his bed, scrolling through Twitter while minding your own business. You hadn't done anything to disturb him given the fact he was streaming and well… he hadn't exactly revealed you yet.

You looked at your boyfriend, just wanting your clingy little teddy bear back, you stared at him for a second, before seeing him mute and turn to you.

You two stared at each other, a slightly awkward but… mostly comfortable silence. His eyes looked like they had literal hearts in them. He chuckled quietly, looking at you until you spoke up. “...Clay?”

You questioned you boyfriend until he muttered, “you know, you're the most attractive person I've ever seen… right?” You started to laugh as your boyfriend got up and sat next to you. He quickly pecked your cheek and went back to his stream, attempting to make up for having chat wait.

To say this happened often would be an understatement.

Sapnap:

Never Ever Getting Rid Of Me - Waitress

I know people like to use this song in a more... stalkerish tendency. But, I don't think that's the meaning, you know.

Sapnap is very much... newer to love. It may come off in the wrong way, but he's trying to show you that he's not going anywhere because he loves you.

He can be awkward, but of course he's just excited!

You're his first s/o!!! How the hell could he not be excited?

Sapnap can be very “clingy” when your relationship starts... but don't worry. He calms down quickly.

Before you even know it, the relationship becomes natural, like you've been together for several years.

You two kind of end up acting like newly-wed’s when you get settled? If you get what I mean?

It's like you've been together for god knows how long, but you're just getting super settled and shit into a whole new level of your relationship.

I feel like the line that really represents how he feels is the line, “Oh, I'm gonna love you so. You'll learn what I already know, I love you means your never ever getting rid of me!”

He really believes that you're the one! So maybe (if you can) try to give the same energy back! Tell him you love him like, a lot!!

“I will never let you let me leave, I promise I'm not lying!”

What the fuck was that? You lay awake, thinking about the nightmare that just woke you. You slowly turned toward your phone. It's 4:08 am. You really shouldn't be up this early, should you? As you try to get back to sleep, you hear a muffled groan from him.

“Babe?” Sapnap asks, barely able to keep his eyes open, “Why ‘re you up?” You turned back to face him, wrapping your arms around his midsection. “‘is nothin’. Don't worry.”

His brows furrowed in thought, trying to stare at you for a second before asking, “Ya’ sure? You can tell me anything-” you quickly peck his lips, effectively shutting him up before mumbling, “it's just a nightmare. I'll be fine, as long I have you with me.” a small chuckle came from him before replying with,

“M’kay… love you.”

Wilbur Soot:

Telephone - Waterparks

At first when he falls for you he's... really fucking nervous.

He doesn't wanna mess your relationship up AT ALL.

He thinks the you'd legitimently regret being with him, but we all know we trolley want a man like Wil.

But, there's still apart of him that really wants you to feel the same.

But once you start dating, this kind of stressing about making you regret dating him calms down a bit.

Keyword: a bit.

The intrusive thoughts about you two dating can still get to him yk, so, please just remind him that it'll be okay babes-

He's so soft when he's with you though, like, legit it's such a magical experience.

When he's not streaming or making music he's usually spending time with you!

He's just so sweet man, tbh I want a bf like Wilbur 🥴.

I think the lyric that really explains how he feels is “I can be your best yet, future favorite regret.” because he can be the softest motherfucker ever!! (or... well... hm.)

“I’m interested but distant to a fault, and I'd never want to complicate your heart!”

Boop ba boop! Boop ba boop! Your phone's ringtone filled your apartment as you dragged yourself from your bed to your desk. You sighed, looking at the number and realizing who was calling you. “Hey Wil.” you answered somewhat bluntly.

“[Y/N]! Hey!” Wilbur’s sweet voice rang through your ears like a whimsical melody. Your lips perked at his response, “Whats up?” you ask, your cheeks filling with heat as you looked at the screen. “Well I-” Wilbur cuts himself off at the noise in the background.

“...anyways, I'm coming over!” he finished. You realized he was probably walking his happy ass to your flat. You looked around at the mess, a small sigh escaping your lips as you replied, “I'll see you in five then?” a chuckle escaped his lips, “yup! See you in five!”

Note: AAAAND THATS FINISHED, FINALLY. Why the hell did this take 2 days holy shit!? So, uh, I have an idea for making a part 2 but like... with the song that kinda describes the breakup (if there is one)? So let me know if you want that! Kay, see ya, byeeeeee!!!!

[ah-yes-paris]

beatles harmonies that cured my depression.

It is important that i discuss this. Well, not really important I just really wanted to share. This is in no particular order either it's just the ones that come to the top of my head lol. Feel free to reblog and share your own 😎

1. The "Woahoooah AHHHHH" from When I Get Home.

Not even words can describe the battery power that starts coursing through my veins when I hear this harmony. I cant even,....LIKE HELLO??? i have never heard such a blessing... Such a well-fitting triplet of voices singing a vowel thats made me feel like i can run 10 miles straight. They aren't real. The Beatles, of course. To this day I don't understand how this harmony exists in this universe. My ears melt everytime. One of my favorites, in case you couldn't tell.

2. The obvious.. "yeah yeah yeah YEAHH" from She Loves You :)

LET ME TELL YOU. oh my god let me tell yo u .. Way back when, when I was a new fan... Good lord. I was literally ascending. ASCENDING. i felt every inch of my body start to lift off the ground. Im sure im not the only one who's experienced this. I remember thinking 'how the wiggle wubble do 3 men sound so GOOD TOGETHER' IT DOES NOT ADD UP PEOPLE THE BEATLES HAVE TO BE SOME SORT OF ROBOTIC BOY BAND GROWN IN A LAB THIS ISNT POSSIBLE how do we live on the same dimensional plane that this harmony lives on..

3. "The magical mystery tour, is coming to take you away, Coming to take you away!" from Magical Mystery Tour.

...

guys. Guys you dont understand. This one line, adds, YEARS. LITERAL YEARS TO MY LIFE SPAN. At this point I am fully immortal. The "coming to take you awayyy" makes my heart POUND. i love this song so much... And this line especially... It makes me go insane. Basically the beatles are manic melody genuises that have successfully spread one of the biggest diseases in musical history. Personally, I think this line was a clear example of why.

4. "Last night I said these words to my girl", "Please pleaase me, oh yeah, like i please you...", "...With you! Oh yeah, why do you make me blue" from Please Please Me.

do i even have to say anything. Well, i dont but i will for the sake of the post. There is so much. So much. About this song that I. I cant even,,. I would choose this song over SO MANY BEATLES SONGS DUDE. not that its cause i think its better than all the others but it just holds such a special place in my heart. Its the only song thats Ever made me feel some intense wave of nostalgia for a decade i wasnt even born in. Its one of the songs that continue to make me question the beatles existance. How could something like this ever come to reality. My brain has never been so pleased in its life.

5. "Carve your number on my wall and maybe you will get a call from me" from If I Needed Someone.

The way that this song was added into my Liked playlist SO QUICKLY...... God. I love george. Hes my favorite after all. Rubber Soul as a whole makes me feel warm inside but this song and this one line just hits so much more intensely for some reason... Their voices just flow insanely well and I just DONT UNDERSTAND HOW. its like an angel choir making its way through the clouds as you see the gate to heaven start to appear. Wonderful song and mind-blowing harmony... The beat is so good too and i just explode.

6. The "ahhhhh Ahhhhh AHhhhh *inhale* AHHHhhhh AHHHHH *inhale* AHHHHHH" from Day Tripper.

HOLY JESUS CHIRST THIS SONG HAS SO MUCH TO UNPACK... There are undeniably A BUNCH of other flawless harmonies in this song but my god the beatles knew what they were doing. Thats all I'm going to say really.... But once again. Power. In my veins. A few listens to this song and you'll find yourself having the strength of 1,000 men.

7. "Oh, now", "All I want is you" from Dig a Pony.

FIRST LYRIC... ITS LITERALLY 2 WORDS AND YET IT CONTINUES TO BLOW MY MIND. Something about the "Oh" ...... Its like an arrow passing through my heart I dont even know guys. Im not lying when I say it makes me feel like im floating. It makes me feel like i can quite literally grow wings and fling myself towards the sun. Dont even get me started on "All I want is you".......it literally triples the effect. It makes me go ballistic. The song is just mindless lyrics but the harmonieeesss.....

8. "Ah girlll.... *inhaeahelrlsseeesh* Girrll...." from Girl.

no words. Like. No words. I cant even. I seriously dont need to explain this one. Im just going to drop the isolated vocals version because if you havent listened to it you are MISSING OUT... you thought the originally recorded song was the greatest cause of your heart palpitations? Well you thought WRONG.

THIS IS.

9. "I love youwoowooowoowoooo...", "ask me WHYY..", "I can't believe.. Its happened to MEeee", "i cant concieve *doo doo doo do doo* of anymore *dun dun dun* MISERY" from Ask Me Why.

GOD OK LISTEN im just gonna say this now i absolutely adore and favor the please please me album so much i dont care what anyone says ok im such a sucker for their early sappy love songs ITS SO MANY GOOD HARMONIES ESPECIALLY FROM THIS ONE. MY GOD i listen to this and i feel like im with a lover late at night and we're like at one or the others house keeping each other warm and being all romantic and happy. Specifically the part that goes "ask me whyy I say i love you.. (OOOOHHHOOOO) and im always thinking of youuhoohohoo..." LIKE COME ON PLEAEE IT MAKES ME FEEL SO WARM INSIDE AND I SMILE IN AN INSTANT GOD I LOVE THIS SONG SO MUCH. Whenever i think im sad i go "no im not because Please Please Me." And its like all the sudden everything im sad about just poof disappears!

10. "If theres anything that you want.. IF THERES ANYTHING I CAN DOOOO" from From Me To You.

I am so in love with this song you guys i have no idea I LOVE IT SO MUCH. IT HAS THIS LITTLE SWING TO IT SPECIFICALLY BETWEEN THESE 2 LINES THAT MY BRAIN SEEKS FOR NEARLY EVERY DAY. the amount of blessing i get from this song is more than i can comprehend its literally insane i cant even. How does someone do this how did the beatles make music guys I am seriously so dumbfounded like they just sat there and wrote banger after banger like WHAT. this song makes me believe that life isnt as horrible as it seems and if im lucky enough i can just sing and dance to this song for all of eternity. There are also so many other good harmonies in this one as well...

---

In conclusion the beatles have had a chokehold on me for 3 years but I mean their stupid groundbreaking songs keep drawing me back in so.... This has also made me come to the conclusion that the Beatles simply arent real because I still dont believe a band can not only write consistent hits, but also harmonize in a way that causes me to spin around while doing backflips.

Thank you for your time.

[hollandsangel]

not a request but MADDIE I AM OBSESSED WITH UR ONCE BEFORE ONCE AGAIN series that you have going on

the series makes me think of the song exile by Taylor swift , just for that one line "I think I've seen this film before, and I didn't like the ending"

THANK YOU SO MUCH !!! i just read your lil review it was the best way to start my morning!!

dude that song lives rent free in my head and especially that line like

not my edit but it has a chokehold on me

[infintyonhigh]

pls i know most people arent gonna read the whole thing so i have to share the gems of this article with yall:

"Patrick loved Travie and wanted to help Gym Class, so him jumping on ‘Cupid’s Chokehold’ really was the start of the collabs. It ended up being a #1 song three years later."

"He took us to Del Taco, and it’s funny because you hear these stories about major labels winning and dining you, but we got bean and cheese burritos in a questionable part of Las Vegas." 

(spence about panic getting signed by pete)

"I remember when Pete came to see Armor For Sleep support us in Chicago, he said hi to them and didn’t say hi to us, and I was hurt by that." 

i just thought that bit was funny bc, years later, gabe said the same thing about pete not inviting him to his birthday party but inviting mikey lmao like pete?? the man u have tattooed on your leg how could you?!

"At the end of the tour the Fall Out Boy guys pranked us, and me and one other guy thought it was hilarious, but two other guys got pissed off. That was the beginning of the end for Midtown" 

not only that but fob was directly responsible for midtown breaking up lkjgfd

"When we started, My Chem was the biggest thing in the world and they were so serious and so dramatic. I love My Chem, don’t get me wrong, I grew up with those kids, but it’s like: ‘Hey, smile once in a while!’" 

i just really love gabe saporta okay 

"I listen to The Hush Sound’s first EP to this day, holy shit. Oh, wow. Shout out to Greta, for real. Make sure you print that." 

I ALSO REALLY LOVE TRAVIE MOST LOYAL MFER ALIVE 

"I didn’t even read the contract, I just signed my name as a peace sign."

GABRIEL

"When the snake bit the dude’s dick, I was like, ‘I’m out. This shit is trash.’ But I had to wait for Sam Jackson to say, “I’ve had it with these motherfuckin’ snakes on this motherfuckin’ plane!” After that I went and got wasted with Kelly Osborne." 

theres not a single bit of decaydance history that doesnt feel like bad wattpad fanfiction

"I remember Sonny Moore, aka Skrillex, back when he was in From First To Last, would sometimes join me at the table while I was doing schoolwork. He told me then, “I want to make music like Aphex Twin. I don’t know why I’m singing in a hardcore band.” I also remember meeting Hayley from Paramore at Bamboozle festival one year when we were both 15 or 16 and she bemoaned the fact that her parents insisted on touring with her band because they were so young. We had a bonding moment about our gripes with having to keep up with homework on tour."

lmao skrillex but also, thats so cute!!!

"We didn’t make any money on the ‘Fever’ tour because we had to pay to take the windmill everywhere. There were definitely shows in the middle of America where we couldn’t get the windmill through the door."

"I would text Pete lyrics, he would text me lyrics. We’d give each other input, and I’d be like, that line is cool but you could say it better. He’d be like, that’s cool, but you could do it better. It was a brotherhood, you know?"

[cyberdragoninfinity]

Ryou Bakura >:D!!

RYOUUUUUUUU thats him your honor thats the funny little guy thats given me irreparable brainworms

favorite thing about them: i do NOT KNOW what switch flicked in my brain that made me go from 'ryou bakura is boring and not i na fun way' to 'ryou bakura my fuckign SON' but THANK GOD IT DID. there is something just so...endearingly pathetic about him that I just absolutely love. i mean this in the most affectionate of ways. he's going through it so fucking bad but all things considered he's keeping his chin up. :,) he is simultaneously Just Some Guy but also a Total Weird Dude and it's great. i would protect him with my life. also i love that hes a dungeon master....i feel seen.

least favorite thing about them: why is his fashion sense so fucking bad. like it's HILARIOUS but it also makes me unwell. every night i think about the cream s1 catholic school-ass sweater. the cyan/purple plaid from DSOD. the sky blue overshirt that should be a jacket but isnt. buddy please. maybe Let the Spirit take you to get better clothes.

favorite line: "check his pulse, yugi!" is going to hang with me until the day I die. his stupid dub voice is so funny and so..so delightful. i also crack up at "that's quite enough of that" when he smashes into bandit keith during the second episode of season 2.

brOTP: *yearning desperately for ryou and YB to be friends* I JUST THINK IT WOULD BE NICE AHHHHHH really just. any tight friendship with others in the main cast in sweet. i do like ryou and marik being buddies after everything?? not me thinking about them in post canon staying in touch and both missing the spirit of the ring. ahhhhhhhhhh

OTP: ok like i dont. really have one?? i dont feel like ryou needs to be with anyone in the cast. thinking about the indepth post-canon AU i made with my friend where ryou marries some perfectly pleasant guy named Dwight from seattle or something when he's in his late 30's. let him have a painfully average existence after everything he's gone through. idk. absolute push comes to shove, heartshipping and angstshipping are both p cute. can vibe mildly with it

nOTP: i talked about this in my answer for yami bakura but in general, not big on t*ndershipping. much prefer a platonic/brotherly bond with these guys. also oh my GOD i can NOT get into d*athshipping!!!! i cant!!!! idk what it is!!!!!

random headcanon: oh buddy. i could be here all day listing ryou headcanons he has got me in a chokehold and i cant stop thinking about funny little ryou things. one of my favorites i have is "he's not actually The Prettiest Boy in the World, girls at school just heard the accent and went absolutely wild. Hes actually really quite remarkably normal looking." because we all know from experience here on tumblr dot gov that people will go fucking ape for british dudes regardless of anything else. also Generalized Anxiety Disorder IBS Celiac Anemia ryou my friend, my wonderful friend. when it rains it pours.

unpopular opinion: oh my god people want him to be an uwu woobie baby so fucking bad im going to scream. it drives me up a wall!!! the less Smol Bean McNoPersonality ryou is interpreted as, the better. also people REALLY want to go full Hes Soooo Depressed and Sooo Sad and Has No Will to Live with him something and like....WHAT. NO??? HI???? not ideal. not great.

song i associate with them: Hide and Seek by Bug Hunter is the ultimate big one for me. "The ephemeral friend" hits different with this kid.

favorite picture of them: this one, i use it for the cover of my embarrassingly robust bakura pinterest board. it makes me smile :^)

my beloved pomeranian with problems *gently puts him in my big canvas tote bag*

[edgeofcaravel]

arctic monkey's am.

this was the only one i know from the ones u gave me LMAO but i will listen to the others i promise

12. why’d you only call me when you’re high - a banger for sure, but after hearing it on every 8track playlist in 7th grade it kinda got old LMAO. still love her tho

11. mad sounds - luv her sm, just not as frequented listening for me. love the beginning tho

10. knee socks - i used to be OBSESSED w this one. it’s so funky and sexy and the bridge is crunchy n shit ugh i love her

9. one for the road - this one HITS on road trips. hands down. especially if it’s like those long ass ones and it’s like midnight??? fuck yea my dude

8. r u mine - i feel like an absolute EDGELORD listening to this. like i just wanna like,,,idk manipulate someone or snort a line idc. this song just makes me feel toxic LMAOOOOO

7. fireside - bitch the DRUMS in this. like legitness imagine listening to this beside a bonfire outside like r u shitting my dick

6. snap out of it - i LOOOOVE this song. the way it has continuous movement like circling itself constantly OMGGGG it’s so fuckin cool omg i luv the subtext

5. i want it all - i listen to this song when i wanna be a baddie. like the main guitar riff is just like,,, idk sex

4. do i wanna know? - ok basic but like it’s so good can u blame me. it’s iconic. one time i found a mashup of this song and harry styles’ woman and OMG it’s sex

3. i wanna be yours - no literally this song was made in a lab like deadass it’s so perfect. it feels so distant and hazy but like so like in ur face and intense too and i love it. i honestly need to make a playlist abt songs that feel like that bc they’re rare but SO GOOD

2. arabella - god i would do anything to be this bitch omg. imagine the POWER the girl that this song is about has. the og it girl song.

1. no. 1 party anthem - cassie u definitely saw this coming but OHHHHH MY GOD. best song on the damn album period. it’s so fuckin good. literally on all my playlists. it’s the perfect alt-y rock-y sad-ish song. it’s sad but like not??? and it’s so good to listen to if u have commitment issues but also love far too much. idk i am being so damn specific rn. but goddamn the chokehold this song has on me is legitness

[bthenoise]

Q&A: Aaron Gillespie Details The Almost’s Epic Return To Rock Music With First New Album In Six Years

It’s been 6 years, 4 months and 7 days since we’ve heard a new full-length album from The Almost. Thankfully, for all of us desperately awaiting a follow up to 2013′s Fear Inside Our Bones, that’s all about to change. 

Hitting stores and streaming services this morning, mastermind Aaron Gillespie has released a brand new album of open-minded, honest rock anthems fueled by his need for getting things off his chest.

“I think the best records come when you feel like you have something to say,” explains Gillespie, “and I just felt like I had something to say. So I started writing songs and I don't think I initially planned for it to be an Almost record or anything. Sometimes you just therapeutically or cathartically write songs, you know?”

Detailing more about his new Joshua Tree-influenced record Fear Caller, Gillespie told The Noise he was a little unsure about how many Almost fans were interested in hearing a new album.

“You know, you go to these Emo Nite things and you're the old guy. Then you go on tour with Korn and Alice in Chains like we did this summer and we're the babies. So I feel like I'm in this weird limbo as a musician, a public musician if you will, where it's like, ‘Is anyone even going to remember this?’ So it was a really pleasant surprise to have people that are, like, stoked.”

To read more from the multi-talented musician, including the wild story behind Fear Caller’s artwork as well as the choice to cover U2′s “In God’s Country,” be sure to look below. Afterward, make sure to grab a copy of Fear Caller and pick up tickets to see The Almost out on tour as they plan to play 2008′s Southern Weather in full. 

At what point did you know you wanted to write another Almost record?

AARON GILLESPIE: I don't know that I did. I think the best records come when you feel like you have something to say and I just felt like I had something to say. So I started writing songs and I don't think I initially planned for it to be an Almost record or anything. Sometimes you just therapeutically or cathartically write songs, you know? We were home for a couple of months with Underoath and I was just going to my studio every day and writing a song. I do that for other people and for "work stuff” but I was like, recording these songs and I was just going every day and writing and I think probably five or six songs in I was like, “I should make an Almost record.” And then I did the whole battle where you're like, "What makes this an Almost record versus something else?" But I always loved the vibe of that band and what it stood for and so we just made the record and it kind of just happened. I made it in six days in a house in the desert. It's a really kind of thrown together thing. I feel good about it though. I feel like the songs are pretty revealing for me. And I didn't do the whole, "I'm trying to make this type of song or that." I just kind of diarrhea-mouthed those songs out and I think that's why they feel the way that they do. So I'm pretty excited about it.

When you released “Chokehold” as your first new Almost single, was the reception what you were anticipating? 

I mean, more than I thought. You know, you go to these Emo Nite things and you're the old guy. Then you go on tour with Korn and Alice in Chains like we did this summer and we're the babies. So I feel like I'm in this weird limbo as a musician, a public musician if you will, where it's like, "Is anyone even going to remember this?" So it was a really pleasant surprise to have people that are, like, stoked. So I don't know, in 2019 it's hard to know what success means musically. And for me, it always just meant people singing along and getting something out of it. So I think [the album will] do that, but you don't know untill it comes out. People have loved the first three singles, I don't know how many [people] or how they remember it, but I'm stoked.

Talking about Emo Nite and all of the nostalgia The Almost represents for some people, on your upcoming tour, you'll be playing Southern Weather in full...

We might skip a song or two but we'll play 99% of it.

Who's going to play with you for those shows as far as your band goes?

A bunch of guys that actually work for Underoath. Our production manager is going to play drums. He's a hell of a drummer. My drum tech is going to play bass. And then I have a friend from Florida who's playing guitar. We're just doing a four-piece band this time not a five-piece band.

You've covered some classic rock/folk-type stuff in the past playing Tom Petty and artists like that. Are you planning to keep that going for this tour?

I don't really make setlists. For The Almost tour, we have a setlist now because I haven't played some of the songs in 10 years so you kind of have to. I haven't done any preparation yet but the other guys needed prep time. Other than that, I just fly. I'm one of those people that's like overly musically spontaneous. I'll hear something one day and I'm like, "I gotta figure that out" and I'll play it the next night. I guess for me, that's the outlet of what I get to do with my own stuff. With Underoath, there's a production. It's not calculated, but it's planned. 

Similar to when Underoath came back and played They're Only Chasing Safety and Define The Great Line, what has it been like for you personally to go back and revisit these Southern Weather songs?

Oh, it's funny because you're 23 and you're like, "What the hell?" Like, "Is that really how I felt about that?" I think the same thing all the time with Underoath though. When we did that tour playing They're Only Chasing Safety, I was like, "Oh my gosh." You know, you're 21 and you're like, "What am I even talking about?" You know, because it's things that you've already worked through and you've already figured out and you're over it. But you go back and sing it and to some people, you know, it’s still where they are. It still matters. So I think that’s what gives you the juice to do it as other people are still there. They're younger than you or they're older than you but they're still there. And that helps you sort of take ownership of it again.

The desert is a very big theme with Fear Caller. You went out to Joshua Tree to record it. Were there any spiritual experiences that Joshua Tree brought for this recording?

It's weird when you go somewhere like that. I went there years ago for vacation, like I just love the desert. I live in Utah on five acres out in the dirt and it's something that I like. And I had never been to Palm Springs or Joshua Tree and we actually went to Palm Springs to like a Hard Rock. I have a friend who is a talent manager for a Hard Rock. It's not there anymore. It's called something else but he still works there. But he had me and Spencer [Chamberlain] out to do some like commercial drops for him and then just gave us the penthouse for a week. And I was like, “This is really cool. I've [already] been in Palm Springs, it's hot as shit. I want to see some stuff though.” So we got in a car and someone drove us out Joshua Tree and I had never been there. [Immeditely,] I was like, "This is my place, man. This is it." So I knew that I wanted to keep going back there and I knew that I wanted to make music there.

The thing about the desert is you just you get a sense that it never ends, especially out there. You get a feeling that it's just old. Like the people that lived there and like if you read old Louis L'Amour books -- I'm reading all that cowboys shit, you know. So like, it's super cool to go out there and kind of see it and just weird stuff happens out there. The reason the record is called what it is, the first day I was there (I go running every morning or ride a bike for a long way a couple hours a day) I got up one more morning to go running and there was a giant jackrabbit, like huge, two feet tall, and he just followed me on my route. It didn't spook, it was really strange. And then we got kicked out of the Airbnb for making noise even though they knew what we were doing. This is day one, we recorded the drums and the guitar to one song and I'm like, "Fuck." So we left. We had to pack up and I literally brought in a whole studio. So it took hours. Packed it all out, put it in a van and we were homeless. So everyone back in New York is making phone calls, we found another house and that's where we ended up making the record. But as we got to that house, I set up the vocal mic out of this living room window so I could see everything and there was that fucking rabbit, man. Or one that looked just like it. And every morning, there he was.

Then we went to a bar in this town in Joshua Tree called Pioneertown, it was built in the 50s and 60s by like all the old cowboy movie guys. It's a set to a film for Clint Eastwood movies and stuff and they never tore it down. So hipsters kind of moved in and bought it and made clothing stores and record shops but there's still like no people there. There are no paved roads. And there's this bar that has been there forever. It's called Pappy and Harriet's. It's this famous thing and like live bands play there, semi-recently Paul McCartney showed up and played piano for an hour. Shit like that happens. It's just really weird. So we go there and there's a band playing. I don't remember who it was. And me and Matt [Squire, producer] are just having some drinks in the back and this guy, this like homeless dude, is just in a patio in the back with a rabbit on his head sitting there. So at this point, I'm like, “This is getting weird.” It's constant. I've never seen a jackrabbit out here and I've definitely never had it come this close. So we started looking into it and it's like a Native American totem for anxiety and creativity and it's kind of just who I am. And I see [the rabbit] everywhere now when I'm out in that part of the world, so lots of weird shit happens out there, man.

Being that writing and recording this album was pretty therapeutic for you, now that it's finished, how do you feel?

I haven't been able to feel any way because I've been so busy. You know that kind of happens in the music world where like, if you're a "professional musician" or whatever the hell that means, you're always doing [something]. Like I'm doing something today that has nothing to do with that. I'm kind of a compartmentalized person where I'm all the way here right now. Or if I'm working on someone else's song, I'm all the way there. So it's been hard. The records comes out [soon] and we don't tour until January, so I'm just sort of just like, I don't know. I don't even know what to think yet.

What are you most excited for people to hear on the record?

I'm still kind of precious in the sense that I like making whole packages, records as a whole. So I'm excited for people to sit down and listen to the journey of the whole thing. It's not conceptual or anything but I always felt like, in Underoath, we always spent so much time sequencing records and obviously, it's 2019 and we're in the age of Spotify and "tracks" but I'm just excited for people that do listen to the whole thing. I don't know how many people actually do that, but I'm excited for them to do so.

You chose to cover a U2 song from their Joshua Tree album, "In God's Country." It's an interesting choice considering how outspoken you've been about religion lately. What was behind you covering that song?

I mean to clear the slate, I don't have issues with God. I have issues with people. You know, I don't have any issues spiritually. I have issues religiously and socially, but I ain't got no issues spiritually. So I feel like that land and those expansive spaces and just that untouched country, that's God's business. You know, babies are God's business how they're formed in the womb. And for me, it just feels like that. You know, this record feels like it wasn't really my business. Not to say that God made a record but you know, it's not my business. It's God's country, you know?

[theworstbob]

yellin’ at songs, week twenty-five

capsule reviews of the pop songs which debuted on the billboard hot 100 the weeks of 30 June 2007 and 1 July 2017

30 June 2007

87) "Teenagers," My Chemical Romance

Y'know, I find Welcome to the Black Parade mostly disagreeable, but heck if this song ain't a bright spot, insofar as a song about bringing concealed weaponry of some kind to school is a "bright spot." (Hey, I dunno, if you have to add a disclaimer to the video saying "violence isn't the answer," you should consider a different song for the single? Just a thought, don't wanna backseat record executive, here, but that seems bad.) Like, apart from the "under your shirt" line, it's kind of a perfect angsty vibe, not Linkin Parky fml angst, more angsty in that eternally adolescent sense of "all adults are robots and I will never conform," it channels that really well, and it has a dope guitar solo. I don't think I've mentioned a guitar solo being fun, and I can't tell if that's because I don't typically care about guitar solos or this is the first memorable guitar solo we've gotten, but either way, best guitar solo of the project so far. I am spending a lot of time on this song because I'm like 60% sure it's gonna be the only song I like this week. (spoilers: it isn’t!)

93) "Imagine," Jack Johnson

You know what's another thing about "Teenagers?" Like, even before I ever listened to Welcome to the Black Parade, I could draw a line from "Welcome to the Black Parade" to "Teenagers." I could make sense of how "Teenagers" would fit in a narrative that began with "Welcome to the Black Parade," how that kid would become angry and sullen and start scaring adults. I wish more singles had some sort of thematic throughline, like I don't necessarily mean Future should write a rock opera, I mean that I should be able to get the sense that like "Shape of You" and "Castle on the Hill" are from the same album. But maybe I'm just projecting, maybe I'm stuck in MUSIC WAS BETTER IN 2007 mode when, as seen here, it clearly fucking wasn't.

94) "Shawty," Piles ft./T-Pain

wait hold up is that the "shawty, yeah-e-yeah, yeah" from the start of "i'm on the boat." did t-pain start all his features with "shawty yeah-e-yeah yeah" and i'm just noticing it now, or did t-pain reuse a run. anyway, piles is the goat: grossest of all time. he drops bars that would make yachty wince. like, this is just the first verse: "i pointed at the donk & told her this s'posed to be yours/showed her a couple stacks and told her i'd let her blow it" what body part is the donk in this context. if piles calls his dick 'the donk' i might throw up, especially since he believes being able to suck on it is a wonderful privilege. "i taught her how to talk to me while she take pipe" well, communication is key to any healthy relationship, i'm glad piles understands its importance "i gotta train her, now she suck me with ice" oh okay that's cool, yeah no, women need to be trained to give pleasure, i get it, totally, chill attitude that was the first verse. piles is the worst. i can't believe we squandered this hook and the "bust it baby, pt. 2" hook on this gross gross boy. oh hey second verse "member she used to run from me, now she like pain" cool. coooooooooooooooooooooooool. what a song!

no updates to the 2007 top 20 week but we’re gonna publish the top 20 because i didn’t last week and you may have forgotten 20) "Get Me Bodied," by Beyonce (5.26.2007) 19) "Lip Gloss," by Lil Mama (6.9.2007) 18) "I Don't Wanna Stop," by Ozzy Osbourne (5.26.2007) 17) "Stolen," by Dashboard Confessional (4.21.2007) 16) "Beautiful Liar," by Beyonce & Shakira (3.31.2007) 15) "Cupid's Chokehold," by Gym Class Heroes ft./Patrick Stump (1.13.2007) 14) "The River," by Good Charlotte ft./M. Shadows & Synyster Gates (2.10.2007) 13) "Say OK," by Vanessa Hudgens (2.17.2007) 12) "Alyssa Lies," by Jason Michael Carroll (1.13.2007) 11) "Never Again," by Kelly Clarkson (5.12.2007) 10) "Can't Tell Me Nothing," by Kanye West (6.16.2007) 9) "Get Buck," by Young Buck (4.14.2007) 8) "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going," by Jennifer Hudson (1.13.2007) 7) "Thnks fr th Mmrs," by Fall Out Boy (4.28.2007) 6) "Candyman," by Christina Aguilera (1.13.2007) 5) "Because of You," by Ne-Yo (3.17.2007) 4) "Umbrella," by Rihanna ft./Jay-Z (4.28.2007) 3) "Beautiful Flower," by India.Arie (6.16.2007) 2) "Dashboard," by Modest Mouse (2.17.2007) 1) "The Story," by Brandi Carlile (4.28.2007) i still enjoy all 20 of these songs. alright, 2017, low bar for ya. maybe you wanna clear it?

1 July 2017

16) "2U," David Guetta by ft./Justin Bieber

There's something I really don’t like about Justin Bieber saying "Watch me speak from my heart when it comes to you," and then having that line immediately followed by an EDM drop. Like is the drop supposed to be a substitute for words? Is the drop supposed to communicate what's in Justin Bieber's heart? Because all I hear from the drop is "what a nifty drop I am!" But this feels less like a criticism than it does like pedantry. It's OK. David Guetta is a proven programmer of pop music, and this is another solid song that he has made that I wouldn't have been able to pin to David Guetta if I listened to this blind.

70) "Love Galore," by SZA ft./Travis Scott

Worth pointing out that the first autocomplete result for love galore is "love galore travis scott," which is cool. I'm also gonna cop to having this album in my library but letting it sit because there's so much else I have to get to and this wasn't a priority. This song doesn't move the album higher in my queue, but it does have me excited to get to it. This is a dope song, this portrait of an awful relationship neither party much wants to be in, but are staying together because they love each other, whatever that means. SZA regrets hooking up with Travis Scott, Travis Scott admits he was only looking for ass and titties, they both operate independently of one another, but there's love, so there's that. And then the end, when that extremely pleasant bass line disappears, there's that single note on the keyboard and SZA going "woah," then that beat switch into SZA saying "I came here to have sex with you, and if it weren't for that, I wouldn't be here," that's just so cool, like this song is complex and intricate and it does the thing "4 AM" did last week where the music occasionally goes out of tone and it does that thing to great effect. SZA's dope. I'm excited for whatever time I get to spend with her in the future. ...OK. OK, fine, I'll fucking leave this nice dark place and go to countrydudetopia.

79) "Do I Make You Wanna," by Billy Currington

Time for a YAS REWIND, because remember last week when we talked about how many people have made it from the 2007 Hot 100 to the 2017? THIS IS RELEVANT TO THAT, because Billy Currington just became the 29th member of the Decade Dance Party! We will share the full list later in this post, because there are only 10 songs this week and most of them blow so I'ma give you some other #content this week, but it's worth noting right here that 9 of the 29 members of Decade Dance Party are country dudes. You drive down enough dirt roads, you're gonna get stuck in the mud at some point. This is a song in which Billy Currington asks his girlfriend if he makes her feel complete and safe, which is either incredibly arrogant or pathetically needy.

89) "Escapate Conmigo," by Wisin ft./Ozuna

HELL YEAH LATIN POP. Gosh, the renewal of Latin pop as a thing we listen to has been one of the best things about doing this silly thing. Like, all the Latin pop is my second favorite thing about YAS, just ahead of Kendrick week but, let's be real, a million miles behind Ashley Tisdale's cover of "Kiss the Girl." This is such a nice song. The beat bounces nicely, Wisin's flow is like "what if Lin-Manuel Miranda rapped in Spanish and was also good" (like maybe it's been a while since I heard that dude rap, but they sound so very alike), and it has one of the best mis-translated lyrics of the year with "My supergirl/The one whose smiles steal me/Tremendous wolf." Tremendous wolf. I adore that.

93) "What Ifs," by Kane Brown ft./Lauren Alaina

I see you, dude. First off, this dude's voice is incredible. Like, after listening to dude after dude either whispering softly over EDM or bleating twangily over the country beat, hearing this dude belt was An Experience. I wish the production would calm down a little bit, like this dude and Lauren Alaina could have made this song an epic ballad on their own, but nah, gotta have the electronic drums spoil a perfectly good opening guitar line, gotta have the standard pop/country things choke the life out of what could've been some cool moments. This dude's a lot like that Luke Combs fella from a few months back, not stylistically or anything, just in the sense that I bet he's cooler than he is on this song, and I trust he's not just some bro country yutz, but I'm not in any rush to check out what else he's got, despite how appealing the song title "Used to Love You Sober" is.

95) "It's a Vibe," by 2 Chainz ft./Ty Dolla $ign, Trey Songz & Jhene Aiko

This was also OK! As stated, this song was a vibe, and gosh darn, if it didn't do much more than vibe, though. A fun way to kill three minutes, a less than fun thing to listen to if you're charging yourself with the task of coming up with some unique point to make about it for to generate likes and the whatnot. S'a'ight, y'know? I'm supposed to write, what, 100 words about something thats'a'ight? I mean, I don't have to, no one ever asked me to and they clearly don't want me to, but like. It's a vibe! It's another one. Fuck it, I don't, sigh, just give me the country dudes and let's get out of this actually-pretty-decent week.

100) "It Ain't My Fault," by Brothers Osborne

OK. OK! OK, hell yeah, no, I'm sorry for calling you country dudes, 'cuz hot damn, this was great. Like, Chris Stapleton gets a lot of hype for making classic country music, but he only makes the sad slow acoustic country music, and like Johnny Cash had "Folsom Prison Blues" and "A Boy Named Sue," y'know? Not to compare this song to those, but this is uptempo classic country, this is classic country with got damn STOMP, and it's dope as hell.

Two new songs in the Top 20 for 2017! 20) "It Ain't My Fault," by Brothers Osborne (7.1) 19) "Slide," by Calvin Harris ft./Frank Ocean & Migos (3.18) 18) "Felices los 4," by Maluma (6.3) 17) "Now & Later," by Sage the Gemini (2.25) 16) "Love Galore," by SZA ft./Travis Scott (7.1) 15) "Bad Liar," by Selena Gomez (6.3) 14) "DNA." by Kendrick Lamar (5.6) 13) "It Ain't Me," by Kygo x Selena Gomez (3.4) 12) "Craving You," by Thomas Rhett ft./Maren Morris (4.22) 11) "That's What I Like," by Bruno Mars (3.4) 10) "Chanel," by Frank Ocean ft./A$AP Rocky (4.1) 9) "Strangers," by Halsey ft./Lauren Jauregui (6.17) 8) "Either Way," by Chris Stapleton (5.27) 7) "Run Up," by Major Lazer ft./PARTYNEXTDOOR & Nicki Minaj (2.18) 6) "Green Light," by Lorde (3.18) 5) "ELEMENT." by Kendrick Lamar (5.6) 4) "Despacito," by Luis Fonsi ft./Daddy Yankee (2.4) 3) "Issues," by Julia Michaels (2.11) 2) "iSpy," by KYLE ft./Lil Yachty (1.14) 1) "Hard Times," by Paramore (5.13) I bumped “Selfish” this week. I have no idea how that happened. 2017′s slowly becoming stacked, and/or I’m an idiot.

Who won the week?

2017. Like? 2017.

2017: 13 2007: 12

Yooge opportunity for 2017 to widen this gap, too, so I’m stoked for a solid two weeks of Chainsmokers songs and memes. Anyway, THE IMPORTANT THING.

The Decade Dance Club

30 people have made or been featured on songs that charted in the years 2007 and 2017. They are: 1) Daddy Yankee (”Impacto,” “Shaky Shaky”) 2) Dierks Bentley (”Free & Easy,” “Black”) 3) Luke Bryan (”All My Friends Say,” “Fast”) 4) Gucci Mane (”Freaky Gurl,” “Make Love”) 5) Jason Aldean (”Johnny Cash,” “Any Ol’ Barstool”) 6) Lil Wayne (”Sweetest Girl” (feat), “Running Back” (feat)) 7) Missy Elliott (”Let it Go” (feat), “I’m Better”) 8) Maroon 5 (”Makes Me Wonder,” “Cold”) 9) Nick Jonas (”Year 3000″ (w/jobros), “Bom Bidi Bom”) 10) DJ Khaled (”We Takin Over,” “Shining”) 11) Beyonce (”Get Me Bodied,” “Shining”) 12) Jay-Z (”Blue Magic,” “Shining”) 13) Linkin Park (”What I’ve Done,” “Heavy”) 14) Rihanna (”Umbrella,” “Selfish” (feat)) 15) Josh Turner (”Me & God,” “Hometown Girl”) 16) Rick Ross (“We Takin Over” (feat), “Trap Trap Trap”) 17) Faith Hill (”I Need You,” “Speak to a Girl”) 18) Tim McGraw (”I Need You,” “Speak to a Girl”) 19) Miranda Lambert (”Famous in a Small Town,” “Tin Man”) 20) Enrique Iglesias (”Dimelo,” “Subeme la Radio”) 21) Flo Rida (”Low,” “Cake”) 22) Kenny Chesney (”Beer in Mexico,” “Bar at the End of the World”) 23) Paramore (”Misery Business,” “Hard Times”) 24) Miley Cyrus (”Nobody’s Perfect,” “Malibu”) 25) Blake Shelton (”Don’t Make Me,” “Every Time I Hear That Song”) 26) Shakira (”Beautiful Liar,” “Me Enamore”) 27) Rascal Flatts (”Stand,” “Yours if You Want It”) 28) Trey Songz (”Can’t Help But Wait,” “Nobody Else But You”) 29) Billy Currington (”Good Directions,” “Do I Make You Wanna”) 30) Wisin (”Sexi Movimento,” “Escapate Conmigo”)

Shout out to Wisin for making the list, too! So that’s 30, out of hundreds, who have had a career on the pop charts that spanned a decade. Specifically, the last ten years, there’s a few folks who’ve charted in 2017 that didn’t chart in 2007 despite being things back then, such as Darius Rucker, Eminem, John Legend, Mariah Carey, and Pharrell Williams. There’s also some folks who hit in 2008 that have hit in 2017, your Katy Perries and Ladies Antebellum, that cannot make this list because, hey, it’s kind of a dumb list. But music is dumb, and this list should illustrate how hard it is to last in the music business (unless you’re a dude who makes country music), which is why it’s vitally important we spend hours and hours dissecting Lil’ Yachty lyrics.

[theworstbob]

yellin’ at songs: june week three

capsule reviews of the pop songs which debuted on the billboard hot 100 on 17 june 2017 and 16 june 2007

16 June 2007

56) "Beautiful Flower," India.Arie

I'll cop to not knowing that much about India.Arie. I understand she has at least one classic album, and I can also see that there is no India.ArieVEVO account, so her entire career transpired when I was assuming it was acceptable to live life only listening to white men complain about women. This has clearly been to my detriment, because this song is simply astonishing. It's an inspirational song, but it's only India.Arie, a guitar, and some other voices for the occasional harmony, so it actually felt like, when India.Arie said "When they say shake your moneymaker/Shake your head," she was talking directly to me, decidedly not the target audience for this song. (I want to shout out how fucking great that lyric is again. "When they say shake your moneymaker/Shake your head." GODDAMN RIGHT. HELL YEAH. GIRL POWER FOREVER, SISTAHS.) It's such a cool and compelling twist on the girl power anthem, something toned down, but not so toned down that it feels like you're sitting around the campfire with the youth pastor. This is the second song, this and "Get Buck," that I think we unjustifiably left behind in 2007, and I say we bring it back.

78) "The Way I Are," Timbaland ft./Keri Hilson

I give Timbaland a lot of heck for being making loud and unnavigable music in these parts, but it would be dishonest of me to deny that this is a hot one. There's a build here that's absent from the rest of Timbaland's ouevre. Typically, it sounds like he's giving you a thousand things to listen to all at once, but on this one, he slowly adds more and more things, so once the chorus hits, it's the typical Timbaland mess of sound, but there's a structure, there's a logic to how everything fits together, and I can finally hear what made Timbaland the name that he was. This is GOOD trashy 2007 music. I'm down with this.

80) "Can't Tell Me Nothing," Kanye West

What 2007 vs. 2017 might ultimately come down to is that 2007 has the old Kanye and 2017 has the new Kanye. (Wait. I'm not sure Kanye West has figured into the 2017 equation at all, actually. Have I not been paying that much attention when Wikipediaing the rap songs? Has he legit not been involved with ANYTHING on the chart?) This is probably the best pure-rap song Kanye ever made, one of those songs where it's not the production carrying the day (though this is an astounding track), Kanye is actually on point with his flow and his rhymes. I sometimes rag on Kanye for the fact that his rapping might be the weakest part of his whole thing, but I'm comparing him to like Jay-Z and Kendrick and other dudes in consideration for GOAT, of course Kanye is going to falter, KANYE STILL MADE THIS SONG. This song doesn't work without a capable MC guiding the proceedings. Love this. Only reason it's not higher is because I don't want a cluster of Kanye at the top, and also I'm tickled with "Get Buck" being the rap song of the year so far and don't wanna see that end. Like, OBVIOUSLY, if this were 2007 and this song just came out, it'd be the new #1, but this is a retrospective, and I think it's important we reflect on how violent the "Get Buck" beat was.

91) "Whine Up," Kat Deluna ft./Elephant Man

You know what I don't think about enough? How pop songs end. That's partially because I am bad at this, but it's also not something I think about because we're not exactly conditioned to think of songs as stories. Songs generally don't leave you hanging, or end by saying it was all just a dream (with the possible exception of that one Nelly song from a few years back ("Cruise")), they're sort of like museum exhibits, where they present themselves to you in full, and you consider their merits as a piece. (This is why the critique Mariah Carey gave of David Cook's "Always Be My Baby," where she specifically says she loves how he ends the song on this off note and leaves it unresolved, has stayed with me.) I bring up endings because this song ends with Kat DeLuna singing "Whine up! Whine up! Whine up! Oh, yeah!" for half a minute before fading out. I think the song understands that it's really just here to go "Whine up! Whine up! Whine up! Oh, yeah!" for four minutes, but we still had a few years to go before "We Found Love" dropped, so it needed to go through the verse-chorus-verse motions, yeah sure feature verse can't have a song without a feature verse, but this is a song which knows what it is, and it gives you as much of what you want as it can before backing out, aware that there's only so much "Whine up! Whine up! Whine up! Oh, yeah!" one can take. The fade suggests the song could just go "Whine up! Whine up! Whine up! Oh, yeah!" for ten hours, but we have expectations of our pop songs, and this wants nothing more than to live up to expectations. Quality chorus, though! Had a great big dumb time with this one! 2007's got it rollin' this week! Can't wait to see how 2007 keeps the momentum goin'!

96) "Wall to Wall," Chris Brown

Welp.

97) "Bartender," T-Pain ft./Akon

This song is just comfy. A lovely chaser for the song I didn't listen to but still had to acknowledge existed. After writing a good chunk about "Whine Up," a song that may as well have had four words, I don't want to over-analyze what is simply a nice song, sort of what to let it be, want to point out the casual misogyny that kinda takes some of the chill out the zone, but mostly want to acknowledge that none of the several sets of three minutes we've all spent with this song somewhere in our space is pretty neat. Well done, everyone.

99) "Startin' with Me," Jake Owen

"I took a swing at my old man one Christmas/I never dreamed that it would be his last" ...Did. Did this dude kill his dad? Fuckin' hell, dude, someone should've caught that lyric. How many people wrote this one? Three. Three people. Not one of them said, "Hey, what do we think of this line? It sounds like this dude killed his dad with a punch." But like even if this dude didn't kill his dad, he had sex with his bro's sister, he sold his grandpa's guitar, he punched his dad, he went to jail and yelled at his brother for not bailing him out, he wasn't with his family when his grandma died, this man is fucking irredeemable, and he just goes, "Yeah, I sure goofed up some things back there, didn't I? Ha, if I had a dime..." You get to say that about small stupid mistakes, like the thing about bein' too big a dick to a girl, or the thing about smoking. You don't get to have a dime for every time you commit patricide. You don't get second chances for ruining every single relationship in your life. Who on earth relates to this song? This is nonsense. It's this dark, twisted man singing this Tim McGraw melody, and it's illogical.

100) "Do You," Ne-Yo

2:48 PM 6/4/2017: Wow! A Ne-Yo song I don't remember! What a treat! 2:52 PM 6/4/2017: ...Oh. Oh I forgot this because it wasn't great. I get it. No, no, that's fair. Learning that this was a sequel to "So Sick" is equally disappointing. We talked about endings -- whoa, a thematic link between capsule reviews, who ever heard of such a thing -- and "So Sick" has a really solid ending, that lonely, soft "Why can't I turn off the radio?" and this is, this doesn't ruin "So Sick?" But knowing that dude doesn't get over it for two years kinda makes the dude seem more pathetic than sad. 2:53 PM 6/4/2017: REMIX WITH UTADA HIKARU?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? I HAVE THREE WORDS FOR THE WAY THIS IS MAKING ME FEEL. AND BABY, IT AIN'T COMPLEX AND FILTHY, I CAN TELL YA WHAT.

Two new songs in the Top 10, AND Lil Mama hangs on for another glorious week! 20) "Get Me Bodied," by Beyonce (5.26.2007) 19) "Lip Gloss," by Lil Mama (6.9.2007) 18) "I Don't Wanna Stop," by Ozzy Osbourne (5.26.2007) 17) "Stolen," by Dashboard Confessional (4.21.2007) 16) "Beautiful Liar," by Beyonce & Shakira (3.31.2007) 15) "Cupid's Chokehold," by Gym Class Heroes ft./Patrick Stump (1.13.2007) 14) "The River," by Good Charlotte ft./M. Shadows & Synyster Gates (2.10.2007) 13) "Say OK," by Vanessa Hudgens (2.17.2007) 12) "Alyssa Lies," by Jason Michael Carroll (1.13.2007) 11) "Never Again," by Kelly Clarkson (5.12.2007) 10) "Can't Tell Me Nothing," by Kanye West (6.16.2007) 9) "Get Buck," by Young Buck (4.14.2007) 8) "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going," by Jennifer Hudson (1.13.2007) 7) "Thnks fr th Mmrs," by Fall Out Boy (4.28.2007) 6) "Candyman," by Christina Aguilera (1.13.2007) 5) "Because of You," by Ne-Yo (3.17.2007) 4) "Umbrella," by Rihanna ft./Jay-Z (4.28.2007) 3) "Beautiful Flower," by India.Arie (6.16.2007) 2) "Dashboard," by Modest Mouse (2.17.2007) 1) "The Story," by Brandi Carlile (4.28.2007) Strong, strong week for 2007. Congratulations, year I have randomly personified.

6.17.2017

74) "Somethin Tells Me," Bryson Tiller 85) "Self-Made," Bryson Tiller 89) "Don't Get Too High," Bryson Tiller 91) "Run Me Dry," Bryson Tiller 98) "No Longer Friends," Bryson Tiller

The artists who have debuted three or more  songs on the Billboard Hot 100 in the same week this year are, in some order, Ed Sheeran (AAA), Big Sean (hip-hop stalwart, AA), Migos (one AAA hit), Future (AAA), Nicki Minaj (AAA), Drake (AAA), Kendrick Lamar (AAA), and Bryson Tiller. ...I enjoyed the couple of Bryson Tiller songs I heard the last couple of years. I would not have guessed he had the clout to release a surprise album, the wattage to get five of the 19 songs on the album to chart, but here we are! Five songs! That were all pretty much the same thing! "Run Me Dry" was noticably bouncier than the other songs, but like these songs, this dude, like, you know how, with Netflix and YouTube, they sink so much into original content because the goal isn't to create something great, the goal is to create something people will watch? Like, if you're watching something on Netflix, you're not watching something on Hulu or Twitch, so it's in Netflix's best interests to throw a thousand spaghettis at the wall in the hopes of finding something to stick. These songs are designed for you to you listen to so that you're listening to that record label's version of this and not something else on some other label. (I can think of no other reason that this should be 19 songs long. I kinda wanted to listen to this album on the bus ride home, get a jump start on these songs, but the album was longer than my bus ride. Why.) Like, these are not, technically, bad songs. I don't like them and barely remember them however-long-I've-been-writing-this-paragraph later, but I never felt compelled to hit skip, and that feels like that's what we're going for here. Listen to this hour-long album. Don't hit other buttons.

88) "Met Gala," Gucci Mane ft./Offset

"I was that nigga locked up in the cell/And they treated me like I was normal/Thankin' the Lord for them blessings/I just left the Met Gala dressin' up formal" I wonder what a better lyricist would have done with that concept, of being an ex-con who can score tickets to the Met Gala. Like, I think Metro Boomin structured a track around that idea, of someone at the Met Gala experiencing anhedonia because they've been treated like the lowest form of humanity and now there's all these rich people who've never had anything bad happen to them, and the dude can't even feel like he's made it because this is a thousand miles from his scene. This is what the sound songs like independent of the words, at least, though I think we've established that the words are the least essential part of this kind of hip-hop. I'd probably listen to an album of Metro Boomin instrumentals, I don't see why we need Gucci Mane in here bleating about whatever.

90) "No Such Thing as a Broken Heart," Old Dominion

This was a'ight. I like that it doesn't suggest that if you love this hard all problems will go away; there's no resolution in this song, only a group of dudes promising to try their best, and that's the closest we're gonna get to complexity this side of Stapleton.It actually sort of reminds me of "Hey Ya!", not in terms of craft oh my stars not in those terms, but in its depiction of relationships where two people look at each other and say "I don't know how to be committed to you." Pop-country dude song of the year 2017, by a mile. (To reiterate, Thomas Rhett is ineligible because "Craving You" is pure bubblegum.)

94) "There for You," Martin Garrix x Troye Sivan

so baby hold me closer in the backseat of your rover that i know you can't afford, bite that tattoo on your shoulder, pull the sheets off of the corner of the mattress that you stole from your roommate back in boulder, we ain't ever gettin' older

99) "Butterfly Effect," Travis Scott

this was fine! travis scott can be counted on to deliver solid songs, and while I'm not gonna say this is my favorite thing he's ever done, it's still nice to hear him chime in. what a pleasant surprise! these reviews have gotten progressively shorter. the next review prolly just gonna be one word.

100) "Strangers," Halsey ft./Lauren Jauregui

So here's something I'm guilty of: Me: There should be more women on the chart! Y'all: Here's one we like! Me: /sucks in air through teeth/ Not this one? So I'm glad that Halsey made a song I think is actually pretty dope. Like, I actually went back and listened to it again, simply because, hey, girl-girl love duet, that's new! I'm actually having difficulty recalling any hit song that was specifically about a same-sex relationship, and I'm sure they exist and I'm forgetting something thuddingly obvious, but this is cool, and thankfully, it's a good song on its own merits. Halsey and Jauregui mesh really well together, and the track is a perfect complement, something propulsive, yet understated enough to let the singers do the work they need to do, a backing track that knows what it needs to be. (Suppose it makes sense that someone who won a Producer of the Year Grammy would write a decent song.)

Only one new thing in the Top 20 because I stared at the list for 20 seconds before deciding I was not going to bump Kendrick from the Top 20 for Old Dominion. We don’t consider how much optics figure into determining how much we love what we love, but they figure in quite a bit. 20) "The Heart Part 4," by Kendrick Lamar (4.15) 19) "Selfish," by Future ft./Rihanna (3.18) 18) "Slide," by Calvin Harris ft./Frank Ocean & Migos (3.18) 17) "Felices los 4," by Maluma (6.3) 16) "Now & Later," by Sage the Gemini (2.25) 15) "Bad Liar," by Selena Gomez (6.3) 14) "DNA." by Kendrick Lamar (5.6) 13) "It Ain't Me," by Kygo x Selena Gomez (3.4) 12) "Craving You," by Thomas Rhett ft./Maren Morris (4.22) 11) "That's What I Like," by Bruno Mars (3.4) 10) "Chanel," by Frank Ocean ft./A$AP Rocky (4.1) 9) "Strangers," by Halsey ft./Lauren Jauregui (6.17) 8) "Either Way," by Chris Stapleton (5.27) 7) "Run Up," by Major Lazer ft./PARTYNEXTDOOR & Nicki Minaj (2.18) 6) "Green Light," by Lorde (3.18) 5) "ELEMENT." by Kendrick Lamar (5.6) 4) "Despacito," by Luis Fonsi ft./Daddy Yankee (2.4) 3) "Issues," by Julia Michaels (2.11) 2) "iSpy," by KYLE ft./Lil Yachty (1.14) 1) "Hard Times," by Paramore (5.13) Also I feel like bumping the Camila Cabello joint for the Lauren Jauregui joint is me drawing a line in the sand I wasn’t ready to draw. Please don’t hate me, the teens, I do not know what dramas have unfolded, what feels you have unfelt.

Who won?

So I actually did go through the weeks before I was reviewing 2007 releases, since I created a Google Sheet for YAS because, when my computer became unusable, I realized it was probably unwise to have just one file trapped inside one very bad computer. But since I put the stuff in spreadsheet form, it made week-by-week comps easier. As it turns our, 2007 got off to an early 3-0 lead, what with “And I Am Telling You,” “Candyman,” and “Jump to the Rhythm” all dropping in the first few weeks, but 2017′s been doin’ better as of late, thanks to two weeks where 2007 didn’t... it didn’t really do anything. 2017: 12 2007: 11 And that’s all the difference! 2007 crushed it this week, which is good, because the next few weeks look pretty bleak for ol’ 2007y. Good opportunity for 2017 to create some separation in this fake competition between two entities that have no sentience as they are arbitrarily determined measurements of time and not actual things. See y’all after seven sunsets.

[theworstbob]

yellin’ at songs: june, week two

the songs that debuted on the 6.10.2017 and 6.9.2007 editions of the billboard hot 100 discussed herein with an appropriate enthusiasm

6.9.2007

6.9.2007 15) "This Is My Now," Jordin Sparks 18) "You Give Love a Bad Name," Blake Lewis 66) "A Broken Wing," Jordin Sparks 80) "I Who Have Nothing," Jordin Sparks 99) "Time of the Season," Blake Lewis

So these are five performances from American Idol that America liked enough to pay for. I'm sure other people paid for Blake Leiws' version of "This Is My Now," and bless those nice people for believing in something. Jordin Sparks is probably one of the most talented people to ever win Idol; given how well she performed and how young she was, I'd argue she's the fourth-best winner. (Obviously, I'm not here to besmirch Kelly, Carrie, or Fantasia. Candice, Ruben, and Caleb are awesome, but like Jordin was 16.) I get why we don't hear much from Jordin these days, pop music is fickle and so few names in the 2007 list appear on the 2017 list, but she should've had more. Blake, yo yo yo, you know what, dawg, I think, hey, I think "You Give Love a Bad Name" is one of the all-time Idol moments, one of the few performances I still remember to this day, like there's no singing for a third of the performance that's goddamn amazing THAT DRUMMER THO, but he should've been bounced Top Three at the latest. I know I came here to review pop songs and not season six of American Idol, but these songs weren't hits, you weren't driving down the street blastin' a live performance of a 40-year-old British invasion jam, I'ma do what I want heck y'all.

30) "Big Things Poppin' (Do It)," T.I.

T.I.'s in a weird space in the rap game where he was one of the biggest names for a hot minute, there's not a soul in America that doesn't know "Live Your Life" or "Whatever U Like," but if you're making your list of the best MCs of all time, you're crazy if you put him in the Top 10. Hell, it'd be hard to put him in a Top 50. Maybe top 100, but there’s been nearly 40 years of rap music. T.I.’s fine, but I’m not sure I can’t name 100 rappers better than him, or who advanced the genre more. This song is an example of T.I.'s above-averageness: he does just enough to make it memorable, that hook gets stuck in your head for ten years and never leaves, but there's nothing in this song I can point to as being uniquely T.I. Like, the first T.I. song I ever heard had a hook from a Jay-Z song, y'know? It's a nice song, I had a fun time revisiting it, but I can't imagine I would've made my way back to this moment were it not for this project.

54) "Tarantula," Smashing Pumpkins

...I should like this? It's rock veterans making a solid rock song? If I have "I Don't Wanna Stop" in the top 20 I should probably have felt this more than I did? But. Here we are. I thought it rocked, but I also think several buttrock songs by bands that weren't way more important in the '90s rock, so the song needed to do more for me than that, needed to hit that "I Don't Wanna Stop" thing, and, ugh, is this expectation? Is this lingering bias against Smashing Pumpkins working here, and not an honest assessment of the song itself? I don't think Billy Corgan's a good person, but he knows how to construct a song, and hey, if I'm giving Shakira credit for being a Latin music pro, I should give Billy Corgan for credit for making a nice song I mostly enjoyed, however many reservations I have about enjoying it.  Ugh, fine. The guitar player whose name I probably should remember given that Smashing Pumpkins are a thing did work. I can't deny him his credit, unless I fail to remember his name, which, oops.

76) "4 in the Morning," Gwen Stefani

The Wikipedia entry for this song claims this a 1980s-inspired midtempo synth ballad, and, um, I've heard E MO TION at least 30 times. This is not E MO TION. This belongs nowhere near E MO TION. This would've been cut from Side B. How dare you sully the nice name of 1980s-inspired synthpop. How DARE you.

83) "Beautiful Girls," Sean Kingston

This bass does work. I can appreciate the nice bass in this song while thinking the rest of the content is trash. This song has a verse about how Sean Kingston went to jail in '99. What the even hell even. It's a far stranger song than I could have imagined, and I remembered the hook makes reference to Sean Kingtson being suicidal because girls are pretty.

95) "Lip Gloss," Lil Mama

...I love this. Look. Look. I didn't expect to form this opinion, and you know it. I didn't expect to be entranced by this "Grindin"-for-Kidz-Bop beat. I didn't think Lil Mama was gonna be that decent on the mic. I didn't think I would find the lyrical content to be any dumber than anything else that's ever been on pop radio. (”Something Just Like This” is in the top ten. Tell me this song’s dumber than that. Go ahead. “Spiderman’s control.” Tell me that line has more impact and weight than “All the boys be jockin’/They chase me after school.”) I didn't expect any of this. But here we are. I love "Lip Gloss," the song we all made fun of ten years ago. Like this is legit. This is not "Friday," this is not something I enjoyed purely as trash, this is something legitimate, something worth defending. Will it change the world? No. Am I sure I'm not just reacting to a vision of high school that is fun and carefree in a world dominated by media in which high schoolers are either getting raped or planning a massacre? Not entirely! But. I. Love. This. Song. It's nice and I like it. I don't care what this says about me, this song is great, and y'all can go get hecked if you have anything bad to say about this delightful little treat.

96) "Make Me Better," Fabolous ft./Ne-Yo

Very "last song of a unit of writing." It's not bad or good, it just sort of exists, so I can listen to it and check out, like, Alright! We will have either made jokes about or wrung our hands with self-seriousness over six pop songs, don't need to do anything special with this one, just shoehorn in the 6.9 acknowledgement in the first sentence and we'll be done in two! But f'real I don't have a ton of nice things to say about this song. Just standard Timbaland trash, with Ne-Yo doing his best to salvage it and an occasionally-interesting rapper raising an eyebrow at a challenge but remaining seated.

The Top 20 is poppin’. The Top 20 is cool. 20) "U + Ur Hand," by P!nk (1.13.2007) 19) "Doe Boy Fresh," by Three 6 Mafia ft./Chamillionaire (1.20.2007) 18) "Get Me Bodied," by Beyonce (5.26.2007) 17) "Lip Gloss," by Lil Mama (6.9.2007) 16) "I Don't Wanna Stop," by Ozzy Osbourne (5.26.2007) 15) "Stolen," by Dashboard Confessional (4.21.2007) 14) "Beautiful Liar," by Beyonce & Shakira (3.31.2007) 13) "Cupid's Chokehold," by Gym Class Heroes ft./Patrick Stump (1.13.2007) 12) "The River," by Good Charlotte ft./M. Shadows & Synyster Gates (2.10.2007) 11) "Say OK," by Vanessa Hudgens (2.17.2007) 10) "Alyssa Lies," by Jason Michael Carroll (1.13.2007) 9) "Never Again," by Kelly Clarkson (5.12.2007) 8) "Get Buck," by Young Buck (4.14.2007) 7) "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going," by Jennifer Hudson (1.13.2007) 6) "Thnks fr th Mmrs," by Fall Out Boy (4.28.2007) 5) "Candyman," by Christina Aguilera (1.13.2007) 4) "Because of You," by Ne-Yo (3.17.2007) 3) "Umbrella," by Rihanna ft./Jay-Z (4.28.2007) 2) "Dashboard," by Modest Mouse (2.17.2007) 1) "The Story," by Brandi Carlile (4.28.2007) 2017 be jockin’. It chases me after school.

6.10.2017

(42) "Strip That Down," by Liam Payne ft./Quavo

I'm actually kind of impressed that the individual members of One Direction each have solo projects significantly different from one another's. Like, Harry's doing a weird Queen thing, Niall's doing a basic white-boy soul thing, ZAYN is doing something shitty, Louis is havin' some Cheetos or whatever who cares, and Liam's actually made a trashy, dumb, fun pop song. I dunno, I didn't expect to be sitting in my apartment on 31 May 2017 realizing I liked Liam's solo career the most, but here we are. Kid made a less gross Jason Derulo song. I can appreciate a fun three and a half minutes. (Also: Quavo is sort of the 2017 T.I. He's ubiquitous. I have heard at least ten of his verses this year. I can't remember a single word from any of them.)

(43) "Deja Vu," by Lauren Duski (66) "Money on You," by Chris Blue (92) "The Dance," by Lauren Duski

For as long as they can wring ca$hdollars out of selling iTunes singles, The Voice will never die, even if they never end up producing a bona fide superstar. Of course, The Voice doesn't exist to find the next great superstar; it exists to help superstars win trophies, which is a weird vaguely dystopic twist on the reality singing competition genre. (Think of how many of the auditioners come from nothing and have made some amount of sacrifice for one chance to impress a millionaire with their mouthsounds. It's kinda fucked up!) I think Chris Blue has a decent shot at having one genuine hit; I'd stop short of superstar, but I think this nation could stand to fuck with a dude who can pull off Janet on live TV. (iTunes slept on "Rhythm Nation. That's one of those Eurovisiony heights The Voice can occasionally hit.) Lauren Duski's road to stardom is easier but also not; country music is wide and welcomes all with a recognizable name, but at the same time, I've heard her perform three ballads competently the last two weeks. The country music game is run by women who can fuck those ballads UP, y'all. I wish these kids the best and hope I see Chris Blue pop up here in a couple months.

(46) "Swish Swish," by Katy Perry ft./Nicki Minaj

In 2014, Bryce Harper hit a home run in the playoffs off Hunter Strickland. He admired his home run for a touch longer than is custom; one could argue he was trying to assess if it was fair or foul before he jogged around the basement, but facts are facts, he looked at his magnificent fly ball. Though Hunter Strickland's team would win the playoff series and, eventually, the World Series, Hunter Strickland never forgot the insult and harbored his resentment until, in 2017, two and a half years after the fact, Hunter Strickland pelted Bryce Harper with a 98 MPH fastball, finally earning retribution for the insult he suffered in 2014. The reaction from most people in baseball was that Hunter Strickland was an asshole and probably should have let it go, it was nearly three years ago and you won the World Series. Look. Is Tay Tay a good person? Probably not! Does this mean I want to hear a Katy Perry song about a years-old beef I forgot they had? No! But then again, I have never in my life wanted to hear a Katy Perry song, so I dunno, maybe she has the right, point is, Katy Perry makes bad songs and I hate that I started this project in a year where multiple Katy Perry songs were released. A new Carly Rae Jepsen joint dropped last week. I dunno, maybe we might've liked that more? I like it a lot more! I am going to think about the Carly Rae Jepsen song.

(47) "Crying in the Club," by Camila Cabello

This was dope! It's kind of Sia-by-numbers, "Crying in the Club" is a concept I feel I could have arrived at if given five minutes to think of a decent parody of a Sia-type song, but, enh, Sia-by-numbers is still a pretty snazzy pop song. Legit, tho, so I turned on the music video and was already groaning because it was 5:30, not realizing they played a preview of some ballad and not just "Crying in the Club." So there was a solid few seconds where I thought the song transitioned from morose ballad to club banger, and if I'm being real? If this song actually started as a morose ballad that just turned on a dime into the club banger? It might've been my favorite song of the year. I would've been way into that. The vanilla song's fine, I appreciate what it has to offer, but the song I thought it was for three seconds? Amazing.

(76) "Yours if You Want It," by Rascal Flatts

Rascal Flatts is like the music version of Diet Mountain Dew: my mom had it all the time, I'd have a can every now and then if I didn't wanna go to the store for a soda pop, I haven't had it in years, and when I'm 52 it'll be the only thing I drink because it goes down so smooth and gives me more than enough energy to do my yardwork. (Hahahahahah I'm never owning a home GOT TOO MANY IPHONES TO PURCHASE.) Still, it's a country song that isn't preening about how country it is. I'm OK with this. Diet Mountain Dew is a mostly OK drink.

(77) "Most Girls," by Hailee Steinfeld

Part of me kinda wishes Hailee Steinfeld would collab with T Bone Burnett just to acknowledge the fact she was ever in a Coen Brothers movie, and also I want to hear a T. Bone Burnett 2017-era pop song. I think we should sign a change dot org petition to get a T. Bone Burnett-penned joint with a Quavo feature. This is like people got together and said, "Okay, 'Scars to Your Beautiful' had a great message. What if there were a version of that song that didn't suck?" Like, imagine that, an inspirational song that's upbeat. It's nuts.

(94) "Boy," by Lee Brice

oh good a slow boring country song about some basic shit. "there'll be a small town night." goddamnit. i wonder if there's anyone in country music that might've been willing to turn a song like this into an examination on toxic masculinity, like if anyone in country would sing a song to their son about how their father raised them not to acknowledge his emotions and he doesn't want to be that cold to his own son, or let his son not express himself. i think country music as a whole is gonna stay a thousand miles away from tumblr phrases like "toxic masculinity," but i dunno, this song made me think of a song that could be better. it gave me an idea, at least. not that i actually, like, write music, but if i did, i would write country songs about phrases i read on tumblr. "and i swore i wouldn't do this/leave you danglin' like a leaf/'cuz you're the only girl on my mind/i'm none pizza/you're my left beef." get me to a recording studio please.

So Camila Cabello squeaks into the Top 20! 20) "Crying in the Club," by Camila Cabello (6.10) 19) "The Heart Part 4," by Kendrick Lamar (4.15) 18) "Selfish," by Future ft./Rihanna (3.18) 17) "Slide," by Calvin Harris ft./Frank Ocean & Migos (3.18) 16) "Felices los 4," by Maluma (6.3) 15) "Now & Later," by Sage the Gemini (2.25) 14) "Bad Liar," by Selena Gomez (6.3) 13) "DNA." by Kendrick Lamar (5.6) 12) "It Ain't Me," by Kygo x Selena Gomez (3.4) 11) "Craving You," by Thomas Rhett ft./Maren Morris (4.22) 10) "That's What I Like," by Bruno Mars (3.4) 9) "Chanel," by Frank Ocean ft./A$AP Rocky (4.1) 8) "Either Way," by Chris Stapleton (5.27) 7) "Run Up," by Major Lazer ft./PARTYNEXTDOOR & Nicki Minaj (2.18) 6) "Green Light," by Lorde (3.18) 5) "ELEMENT." by Kendrick Lamar (5.6) 4) "Despacito," by Luis Fonsi ft./Daddy Yankee (2.4) 3) "Issues," by Julia Michaels (2.11) 2) "iSpy," by KYLE ft./Lil Yachty (1.14) 1) "Hard Times," by Paramore (5.13) And not a moment before I bothered to look up if her name was Camila or Camilla! It’s the first one. I know that now. I know one less memory from childhood because I now remember how the pop star’s name is spelled.

Who won the week?

I think I used the descriptor “basic” for every song in 2017, which either means I’m a shitty writer or 2017 didn’t bring the heat. Like, my first impression is to call this a tie because both weeks were kinda bleh, enjoyable in spurts but bleh overall, but you compare the top three for each week: 1) “Crying in the Club” vs. “Lipgloss:” “Lipgloss” by a significant margin 2) “Most Girls” vs. “Big Shit Poppin’ (Do It):” “Big Shit Poppin’,” by a smaller margin 3) “Yours if You Want It” vs. “Tarantula:” ...I can’t fucking believe I liked a Smashing Pumpkins song enough to prove a point about how decent a week 2007 was, but, ugh, I guess I did. (You could sub in “Strip Me Down” for “Yours if You Want It.” It doesn’t matter.) Plus, the Idol performances were better than the Voice performances. (The ones that charted, anyway. Again, we are sleeping on “Rhythm Nation.”) So, good job, 2007.

2017: 6 2007: 5

[theworstbob]

yellin’ at songs: 5.12.2007 & 5.13.2017

the songs that debuted on the billboard chart this week and this week ten years ago

5.12.2007

6) "I'll Stand by You," Carrie Underwood

I completely understand why so many people bought this. I don't think my life was improved by having heard this? But, y'know, it wasn't as melodramatic as I was expecting, maybe I picked the wrong video but it's just a nice well-sung acoustic cover of a song which I'm sure was construed as inspirational for the Idol Gives Back thing (and remembering that this was Idol Gives Back this week, yup, mm-hmm, definitely watched the wrong video), I'm glad there wasn't a thousand things happening, but like 2007 is supposed to provide a nostalgic rush, either consider a song we all knew and loved/hated back in the day or uncover a classic, and listening to this is just... Unnecessary?

8) "Never Again," Kelly Clarkson

The first line of this song is, "I hope the ring you gave to her turns her finger green," which is a hell of a thing to say. One can assess all the reasons why this is the only Kelly Clarkson single to chart in 2007 -- hey remember ten years ago when a record label could win a PR battle with a female artist seeking creative autonomy? Good times! -- but honestly, there's nothing wrong with this song on its own, this is a pretty superb, dark-as-hell break-up song, but it's also the sixth or seventh consecutive Kelly Clarkson breakup song? Like, her discography to this point is "A Moment Like This" and then a shitload of break-up songs, some anthemic, some mournful, and while I get why they would be sick of Kelly Clarkson break-up songs -- worth noting her next big hit was “My Life Would Suck Without You” -- if the 2007 public wasn't willing to hear the dark version of the kind of song Kelly Clarkson does extremely well, that's on them. This song is rad, and while I'm probably not gonna go back and listen to My December, I'm figuring that album is prolly a jam.

28) "Icky Thump," The White Stripes

...Do I have to like this song? I get that I agree with it, and I get that The White Stripes area thing people who like music tend to like, and this is the most I ever enjoyed The White Stripes' whole, y'know, thing (this and “My Doorbell”), but I don’t want to like this song. It’s just, I dunno, Jack White’s this whole person, and I don’t like engaging with that person?

56) "Up to the Mountain," Kelly Clarkson ft./Jeff Beck

yes just like the carrie underwood thing this was a very good american idol performance and like i wanna be snarkier but last week 2007 handed me seven country dude songs and, just, i would take a thousand american idol performances before another week with that many country dudes. given the alternative, this is the greatest thing i could have ever possibly heard.

65) "Signal Fire," Snow Patrol

So like, I graduated high school in 2007, right? That's kind of the connection to these songs, like, these songs would have been the soundtrack to my high school experience if I had friends who listened to pop and/or rap radio. (Hence all the buttrock appreciation in these posts. Like, real talk, Shinedown is a terrible band to which I have such a profound nostalgic connection that I routinely have to rewatch their videos just to be 100% sure that particular Southern rock band doesn't have any Confederate flags in them.) So there's a 10-year reunion coming up which I'm probably not going to go to, but like imagine a 10-year high school reunion. You see your friends. You love your friends! You are all very successful and beautiful! You see the people you hated. You greatly enjoy how fat they got and cheated on they were! You go to the punch bowl for some delicious, fruity punch, and you see the person that sat behind you in chemistry. They seem OK. You mention the crazy weather you've been having recently, and they agree, the weather is crazy. This song is that social interaction. It's a nice Braffcore song that I wasn't thinking about then and am not presently thinking about now.

78) "You Raise Me Up," Josh Groban & The African Children's Choir

...Yeah, so like, no? Thank you! But, no, I'mma sit this one out. I understand that we want different things out of life. I will not get in the way of this song's goals, and I will not invite it to impede mine. But thank you so much for bringing this to me!

84) "If I Was Your Man," Joe

I refuse to actively engage with this song on the grounds that even coming up with this angle for a capsule review required more thought and effort than was put into the writing and recording of this song. This is a middle slider in song form. They couldn't even be bothered to give this artist a name. "Joe." Joe doesn't even stand for anything, he's just a fucking guy named Joe who wants to date someone and enjoy all the attendant benefits. Sometimes, you hear a song, and you're taken to an amazing world or shown a new aspect of life or filled with the inspiration needed to tackle the day's problems, and this song is like, "Meet Joe! Joe's a dude who has a crush on someone," and Joe doesn't say anything or even wave his hand to acknowledge you. He just sits there, moving nothing.

93) "I Don't Need a Man," The Pussycat Dolls

"I don't need a hand if it only wants to grab one thing." In addition to the world, the 2016 presidential election also ruined my ability to enjoy a 10-year-old Pussycat Dolls song. Also, Kara DioGuardi. It makes sense that Kara DioGuardi and Donald Trump would describe the female anatomy in equally clumsy ways. Maybe there was no way for Kara DioGuardi to know that, ten years after this song was published, the term "grab" could reference something other than the ass when used in reference to a woman's body, but she's bad and this song is trash so I'm definitely going to hold it against her.

99) "Sexy Lady," Yung Berg ft./Junior

...I am going to applaud this song for having the audacity of using a "Diamonds Are Forever" sample. Like, Kanye doesn't own the rights to the song, and it's a completely different beat, but it's still kinda weird to turn on a song and say, "Oh, hey, someone used that song as a sample in a song I like a lot more!" And like how are you going to use the "Diamonds Are Forever" sample on a song that isn't about diamonds at all? The song doesn't mention jewely of any kind. Like, I don't know, maybe Yung Berg has always been famously anti-consumerism and I just never bothered learning that about him, but if you're a pop/rap artist in 2007, and you're going to take a sample from an iconic song about material goods, hey, I'm not a songwriter, but maybe write verses about material goods? This is as weird as a song can be without having an ounce of originality.

100) "Wipe Me Down," Lil Boosie ft./Foxx & Webbie

One weird thing about 2007 songs is, so like, when I listen to a song with, say, Lil Yachty on the track, I hear every single disgusting thing Lil Yachty has to say about the things he wants to do to a woman, and which parts of the woman he would prefer to do them to. And then you listen to a 2007 track, and there'll be half a verse missing because the record label was scared that their video would be deleted from the internet if they said the n-word. Apart from the unnecessary censorship, I dunno, this was kind of the standard Southern-pop/rap song. Repetitive to the point you just give in and enjoy it, not really about anything in particular, just annoying enough to be memorable but not annoying enough to be appreciated ironically. There were always gonna be dry spells. 2007 is very much in one, Kelly Clarkson notwithstanding.

The Top 20! With infinitely more Kelly Clarkson than ever before! 20) "When I See U," by Fantasia (4.21.2007) 19) "Movin' On," by Elliott Yamin (3.17.2007) 18) "U + Ur Hand," by P!nk (1.13.2007) 17) "Doe Boy Fresh," by Three 6 Mafia ft./Chamillionaire (1.20.2007) 16) "Breath," by Breaking Benjamin (4.14.2007) 15) "Stolen," by Dashboard Confessional (4.21.2007) 14) "Beautiful Liar," by Beyonce & Shakira (3.31.2007) 13) "Cupid's Chokehold," by Gym Class Heroes ft./Patrick Stump (1.13.2007) 12) "The River," by Good Charlotte ft./M. Shadows & Synyster Gates (2.10.2007) 11) "Say OK," by Vanessa Hudgens (2.17.2007) 10) "Alyssa Lies," by Jason Michael Carroll (1.13.2007) 9) "Never Again," by Kelly Clarkson (5.12.2007) 8) "Get Buck," by Young Buck (4.14.2007) 7) "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going," by Jennifer Hudson (1.13.2007) 6) "Thnks fr th Mmrs," by Fall Out Boy (4.28.2007) 5) "Candyman," by Christina Aguilera (1.13.2007) 4) "Because of You," by Ne-Yo (3.17.2007) 3) "Umbrella," by Rihanna ft./Jay-Z (4.28.2007) 2) "Dashboard," by Modest Mouse (2.17.2007) 1) "The Story," by Brandi Carlile (4.28.2007) Alright. 2007 had a bad week. 2017 didn’t fuck up Kendrick week. Is it gonna fuck up Paramore week?

5.13.2017

44) "There's Nothing Holdin' Me Back," by Shawn Mendes

So before I even listen to a single note, the inconsistency of the title's abbreviations has me peeved. Why would you abbreviate one word but not the other? Is one g much more special than the other? Does Shawn Mendes pronounce the g in nothing, but not the g in holding? Because I've heard Shawn Mendes sing, I'd be surprised if he hits the "th" and the "ld" in those words. /// You know what? I'll give it a "not as bad as the title." I don't come away from this song having made any new conclusions about the world or Shawn Mendes as a person, so I can't really argue that this was worth the three minutes of my life it took, but it's not Joe-level nothing, so hey! It has that going for it!

64) "Lust for Life," by Lana del Rey ft./The Weeknd

I'm not here to make a judgement call about the modern adolescent experience in relation to the one I went through. I think this song is fine, it's actually kind of great in a way I'm not gonna bother to place, but I think that it's worth noting that the modern teen's "Hot in Herre" is this. There's a lot of value in a sad song with the "take off all your clothes" refrain, again I dug this, but I didn't dig it enough to try to figure out why that might be, because I'm just thinking about what a jam "Hot in Herre" is and how I think I've heard like maybe two great party jams over the course of this project. We had "Run Up," you guys. The teens don't want to party. And, I mean, why should they, it's rough out there, maybe they deserve to just shrug when they see their boyfriend approach and say, "Huh, he got a little cooler. Le sigh."

68) "Attention," by Charlie Puth

Not gonna lie: when I saw that Shawn Mendes and this dude were on the ledger for this week, I thought the milquetoast white boy army was gonna ruin this W for Paramore. I thought the weight these two idiots would add to 2017 would give the W to a week in 2007 with a Kara DioGuardi joint. But just like the Shawn Mendes song, this was acceptable! In fact: I would give this a B-! It's not as drastic a zag as when Ed Sheeran dropped "Sing," but this is reasonably funkier, a degree of funk which I never would have thought Charlie Puth capable of achieving. I think this song might be his ceiling, I can't imagine having as good a time with Charlie Puth as I did with him here (especially now that the element of surprise won't be in play), but, y'know, solid three and a half minutes. Not the worst!

87) "do re mi," by blackbear

Ah, so THIS is where we were keeping the unexceptional white boy! I knew he had to be hiding somewhere! This is the song you write you have completely purged your life of everyone who told you that you weren't clever. This is the song you write after having no one around to tell you that the fact of a curse word isn't edgy on its own. "Do re mi fa so fuckin' done wit' ya" is a garbage line because the shock is being solely derived from the use of the f-word, and that can only get ya so many times; by the time he repeats it for the sixth time, you'll think it's do re mi fa so lame he couldn't think of anything cooler to do with the conceit than recite the scale then swear. You're a songWRITER, dude! You tellin' me you could only think of one pun based on the scale? OSCAR HAMMERSTEIN AIN'T GOT THE MONOPOLY ON SCALE-BASED PUNS, YA KNOW. SO MANY OTHER WORDS BEGIN WITH FA. TRY HARDER.

90) "Hard Times," by Paramore

gosh this song fucking rules. y'all mind if i'm just a boy writing a diary for a second? because this is a song about me. i'm someone with a defeatist attitude, i'm the exact sort of person who meets hard times by giving up, and that's what this song is, it's a song about giving in and feeling defeated. they're not looking back on low points in their life and saying, "gosh, can you believe we made it?" they're sinking deeper and deeper still into a depression and saying "how the fuck do we survive," and that's such a beautiful sentiment, especially in the trump era, where i'm sure a lot of us are still shellshocked and feel the task is too tall. but they're putting this happy, energetic face on it, this song is this bouncy uptempo jam about being incredibly depressed, because it's easier to pretend you don't need help than it is to ask. i love this song. i don't care if it falls off the chart next week, it's the new #1.

93) "My Girl," by Dylan Scott

...I think I'm just feeling generous today. I'm willing to give this a "didn't mind it." Am I amazed that they just keep finding new dudes to make this exact country song? Yeah. But, it's like the Shawn Mendes song, there just isn't enough in here for me to react negatively to. The Eminem reference is probably the most exotic shoutout in country music going, and especially refreshing because I'm still angry at "Johnny Cash" from last week, and the dude has the bass country voice going, he has that earth-shaking twang instead of that nasal fuckboy twang a lot of these dudes got going on. It wasn't as engaging as that "Hurricane" thing from a couple months ago, so I'm still gonna call it bro country, but this is probably the least I'll ever mind bro country. Congratulations, Dylan Scott! Of all the bro country chucklefucks, you have emerged as the least chucklefucky!

Top 20! Only one new entry! It’s an important one. 20) "Guys My Age," by Hey Violet (2.11) 19) "Heatstroke," by Calvin Harris ft./Young Thug, Pharrell Williams & Ariana Grande (4.22) 18) "Yeah Boy," Kelsea Ballerini (3.4) 17) "You Look Good," by Lady Antebellum (4.22) 16) "The Heart Part 4," by Kendrick Lamar (4.15) 15) "Selfish," by Future ft./Rihanna (3.18) 14) "Slide," by Calvin Harris ft./Frank Ocean & Migos (3.18) 13) "Now & Later," by Sage the Gemini (2.25) 12) "DNA." by Kendrick Lamar (5.6) 11) "It Ain't Me," by Kygo x Selena Gomez (3.4) 10) "Craving You," by Thomas Rhett ft./Maren Morris (4.22) 9) "That's What I Like," by Bruno Mars (3.4) 8) "Chanel," by Frank Ocean ft./A$AP Rocky (4.1) 7) "Run Up," by Major Lazer ft./PARTYNEXTDOOR & Nicki Minaj (2.18) 6) "Green Light," by Lorde (3.18) 5) "ELEMENT." by Kendrick Lamar (5.6) 4) "Despacito," by Luis Fonsi ft./Daddy Yankee (2.4) 3) "Issues," by Julia Michaels (2.11) 2) "iSpy," by KYLE ft./Lil Yachty (1.14) 1) "Hard Times," by Paramore (5.13) May you last longer than “Run Up,” “Hard Times.” 

Who won?

2017. Neither had a great week, apart from one exceptional song from both sides. “Hard Times” is simply better than “Never Again,” is what it comes down to. And now: 2017 has the lead for the year! 2017: 4 2007: 3 Looking into the future, 2007 has four songs. 2017 will be entering “Young and Menace” probably. ...I already don’t like next week.