#likeee its ok when its people i am friends with its not ok when its like ppl i talk to once a day and im always nice to them

[rangerdew]

:////the way some of you talkkkk makes me thinkkkkkk that you think i dont know the way i talk is kind of funny/weird/stupid :|||||||

[squeakheart]

what's Bebe's dynamic with the Blackbeard crew like? Obviously you ship her with Blackbeard but is she also shipped with the others?

ok insane rambling and some nsft soooo .. this post is going under the cut but

i mainly ship her with blackbeard buuut .. i feel like a lotta casual sex goes on in that crew so stuff w the others inevitably just happens lol? never planned to make bebe polyamorous bc i am very much not polyamorous irl but it just sorta started making sense once i started making bebe less of 'me' and more of her own character

bebe and blackbeard have a little lovey dovey thing going on bc i really like the gap moe of a big scary guy like him having a soft spot for my little mouse ^_^ not that hes not also rough and dominant with her too but. yknow. they have a special bond bc when they first meet he says some stuff that makes a big impact on her aaaand she baked him a real nice cherry pie so hes totally ride or die for her lol. i dont feel like retyping my whole ass backstory so heres bebe wiki screenshots

needless to say. important to her.

slightly less going on with the others but i would say yeah i still ship her with them

burgess and her sleep together for SURE bc um. hes hot as fuck. his huge muscles and confident charisma have captivated her .. hes an irresistable guy. i think her dynamic with him is more playful than her dynamic w teach and theres a lot of likeee him tossing her in the air and chasing her and pinning her down 🥰🥵 shes a weak little mousey but she really enjoys it

doc q and bebe are like genuine bffs bc theyre both sick forever .. chronic illness solidarity. their dynamic hovers somewhere between "platonic" and "holding each others cocks while they pee" its a special bond. they definately fuck nasty style but only when theyre not both too unwell lmao. bebe/doc started out genuinely just platonic but every day i realise more and more how fucking handsome he is so uh. call me in a week and ill probably tell you shes in love with him

van augur .. hm .. yknow i dont actually think about him and bebe that much bc i know a couple of people who ship their ocs with him already and their ocs usually spring to mind for augur before bebe! a lotta the stuff i have for her and augur is just her teasing him for being a big nerd hehe .. but sitting down and thinking about it .. sure. bebe and augur can kiss with tongue ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ if i do think about bebe/augur i usually think about my husbands transfem augur AU bc something about augur with tit growth does it for me lol

laffitte and bebe are mainly like. gossipy brunch friends who meet up for coffee and make fun of everyone else lol. also passive agressive to each other constantly. hes my least fav so they probably have the least romantic tension out of the original crew. something sexual going on tho. i think laffitte gets a little jealous of anyone who's close to blackbeard and they have weird sex about it where laffitte makes sure to let bebe uhm. know her place on the crew. hes taking his "chief of staff" position very seriously i guess

i have some stuff brewing for the later additions to the crew too but our household rewatch is only just up to impel down so i want to let myself mull them over more before i commit to any dynamics hehe

thanks for reading if u read this far. take this post timeskip bebe from my sketchpad as some kinda reward

[ragingtwilight]

HI ME AGAIN...can you tell me more about your beloved oc? I have one too named Aéros,he is an SB oc that has 4 arms and an Kabuki fox mask and i love him to bits.

And i really wanna to know more about your oc?

AHFFCHHG YEA NOVEL INCOMING

ok so Robyn is a reeeally cranky mf, he does not get along with others, he is bossy and wants to be in charge and will always choose fight over flight

He's aggressive and mean and quick to hit first but he's also in a toxic af home & pushes people away, I am an absolute sucker for charas that are introduced as cold and cruel and over time open up to be sweet and caring and that's exactly what happens when he moves out of his dads' place and in with his cousin Tekla

He meets his best friend Zaina and his bf Salem after switching schools and towns!! Tekla introduces him to polyamory bc she has a gf and bf and a couple years later him and Salem get with Coyote, an errand boy that used to work alongside him for his dads tech company before moving!

He also gets a service bird, a sulphur crested cuckatoo he later ends up naming Majesty, she had a previous owner that died but they never found out her name so he just called her sweet nicknames and Majesty stuck. He later volunteers and eventually starts working at a bird rescue sanctuary, which takes in birds that can't survive or live out their lives as normal in the wild, and keeps them happy and healthy here until their passing. Before moving from volunteer to employee, he works as Tekla's employee at a candy shop!

alsoalso, his ex-dads aren't actually married or dating, they're kinda more like qpp's? but they wouldn't understand the term? they find 0 romantic interest in each other but are totally fine adopting a kid together & living together basically!! but unfortunately they stink, one much more than the other

anyway LOL Robyn goes from never wanting to be seen to wanting to be in the spotlight! He joins drama, band, goes to therapy, finds friends, and play fights more than actually fighting :>

The main thing he did before was work on gadgets! He doesn't have the same easy access to parts living with Tekla compared to his parents so he can't do it as often but I think he would (reluctantly) frequent dumps and dumpster dive now lol

He made 2 lil animal like machines with AI, one he named Sulphinx that has a serpent body and a head likeee I guess the closed species protogen? They float with fans!! The second one he named Amber, designed after a large female scorpion! Sulphinx has a voice box while Amber does not

Also I just wanna say this boy is completely insane

he will jump off a roof at the drop of a hat if he thinks he can prove the fall won't kill him. he has ZERO self preservation and is a massive showoff down the line. He will bite your fingers clean off, and will not hesitate to knock you right out if you say something he finds distateful

Throughout everything though he remains argumentative, competitive, aggressive (though more playfully after the move), tough to talk to, and either brave or a fuckin idiot (even he doesn't know which)

He is a complete mess and goes through a ton of changes, there's so much I could talk about and so much trauma I could dump on y'all but I think this is more than enough LMFAOOOO

anyway here's my boyyyy tysm for the interest in him aisgfufhv I honestly think he's my favourite,,, I've literally been thinking about him every single day now for a year AT LEAST

its bananas bro

[aphrorite]

-ˏˋ sweetheart diaries ˊˎ- #8 !! 🥞💫🧸

૮₍ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ₎ა ♡༘

⋆ ✧₊ june 14th 2022 🎻🍞🐻 ⊹ɞ

hewwo diary :3 today im din hav too ba day, or may bee im jus block out da bad parts >_< im slight vent buuuuut also a feel teensy 🤏 bit bwetter. <3

tw vent // vent regression

︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶

so where do im start diary? 😮😮 oh ya ! :3 2day im woke up likeee 10 mins before my bus came so im din hav much time 2 get ready BUT BUT BUT ,,, im did wear deordoorrant which is gud ! cos usually when i wakes up lil lwates dese days , im forget deodorant n it make me very embarrassed bcos im stress sweat easily … n dont wanna bother peoples w bad smellys ))): so am proud dat im din forget this time!!! ^ω^ am wore a maroon varsity jacket dat matches my school colours <3 denim jean shorts n a white tubbie top along w my signature pearl necklace :33 im was feeling very pretty today 🙈😊

sooo todays im got on bus in time 🚌 ^o^ im din get time eat breakfast doe so im was hungry ))))): gurgurugyrle. maths class was really borinf n i din really understand it >_< n den art class was vry rypical but im had funny moment where im went to refill the paper towel n just as i refill it there dis guy who looked down at the papertowel like :0 then at me like :0 and we had a good laugh <3 (:

im kinda sad doe because recently my friend has been acting weird :I she wa skinda passive aggressive to me when i explained to her tht i was hanging out w my close friend for stranger tings s4 n was like “i understand u wanted to hangout w him but likeee im here you know” which mad eme feel kinda sad and obliged when i dont owe her any of my time as a friend . bcos if we were gonna aply this logic to her than id passively aggressive remark her everytime she hang out w her friends. and she has lots. but i dont. im dont even b mad or express it. ya it kinda lonely and a lil sad bc i wish i had lot friend like her doe honestly she just kinda poopy friend rn ): n even when she hangout w other friend i understand cos everyone have ofher fg and she do too and she not obliged to hangout w me but when she do its like im not even dere. u inv me and rhen trweat me badly. is meanie. and den after that day i tried hanging out w her or a few day later n then she really left me out n i just walk behind everyone and felt so alone and she din even say goodbye to me when i walked into my class so i felt so alone and left out and unwanted ): i wanted 2 cry ))): after dat day things habent felt the same and seein what she posts on her story makes me feel like it a slap in the face becos she always talking abt how she so stressed abt schoolwork but i see her hanging out w her friends every single day and den she complains abt it, n then complains abt people msging her n doesnt reply and it makes her sound rlly ungrateful ): ik she jusy very stressed bur if she is then she should let people know to take it easy on her but she dont n it really… urhhggg it make me ): angy. sad. bothered. annoyed. and its ok to feel day way cos its emorions and i am allowed to. *sigh* im jusy wish dings were diff cos i thought she were my rock doe for now i just distance :I

im gor driveb work n it was :IIIII,,, OH OMGGGG im went into winners and i found dese rlly cute stuffies n a playmat!! a lady looked ar me weird but im kiddo so is ok if i look at toys n placemats ):< even if i not kiddomo it still ok hmph )):<< but YA they were so cute uhggg im wants buy them so bad it was $40 OG but was going for $30 so only 10% off T^T hmph. dey were feel like pillows doe when i touch the playmat so now i reallllyyy want a playmat or a pink rug :0 for my room !!!!

so den i ate lunch n it was yummy 😋:3 but when i try deunk me water it had soap in it becaos im not priplery clean waterborfl yesterday!!!!! ): but fortunatel y im make myself custom order at starbuck n manage to get a deal ! im wanted fhe deagonfruit lemonade refresher but for a grande 470 ml it was 5.85, so im did custom lemonade w 2 pump raspberry, scoop of strawberry, dragonfruit infusiob and light ice in a venti 780 ml and got that for 5.35 so i got a deal for the same taste :DD 😋😁 i happy it mobile ordee roo soo im not have to spend time trying to tell ordwer cos im get anxious sometime ))): esp w starbuck. i am ok w ordering boba sometime bcos im know what i want but starbuck mot so mych ))):

work kinda made me sad ): im was on stock and the only ding i get as a gift for working at it for 4 ish month is a 75$ gift card dat would b like… abt 1-2 paycheck (basically one biweekly for a month) but i did internship for free for 4 month. ): i just wish i learnee more or had a more enjoyable experience because honestly my boss is very toxic and she completely didnt even inv me to the employee photo for an outfit op which make me feel excluded and alone, hearing them all pose and laugh outside on the sales floor while i worked on stock alone in the back ):

my rl mom told me that alone i stand out feom the crowd as a star and dont need people like them who seek external validation which sort of made me feel better but i just wish id feel not so alone even when in crowds ): im always feel like an alien or an outsider )):

im got home, pet my furbaby, n then fell asleepy when im not supposed to ): so i feel bad abt taking nap. im sleep for 3 hr wake up n is 8:30 . im did homework which was personal finance n was kinda hard so i couldnt get alot done :I my rl mom gav me food doe before bed n brought it up which was nice bc i was only thinkin of homeworks n not of dindin. so im ate bacon egg and some 🍜 😊😋 yum yum.

am was hesitant but im called my clwose friend cos recently him n i gots in situation dat really made me sad ): we had a heart-to-heart conversation dwoe and now have a better understanding and i am so relieved dat i checked on him bc i miss his voice n his lil laughs n stutters ))’: and he missed me too which made my heart warm ( ^ω^ ) am glad that im din cry too cos if i did then itd b difficults to speak but im was super super strong today !!! im still strong when im cry but today???? nah im was strong strong ! hehe

so ya im talk w him for like hour n den now i in bed. im gon fill out habit tracker, manifestation n shut my eye, dat p much da update diary. i am very very sad indivudal and im trying to get theough it befor i relapse relapse n dings go sour. i am jusr hoping that my stress will b taken away soon and dat i can finally have my wants and needs come to fruition. i love u diary. muwah muwah.

and im also want dino hoodie but cant find any one i likes :S hmmmph ):< but am will find one one day ! <3

╭┈─────── urs truly, ࿐ ˊˎ-

╰┈➤ sweetheart xx

[rqs902]

bias explanation tag

ok so @banana-jiayou tagged me to do this about one month ago and me being the forgetful person that i am, am just getting around to it now!!!

nini actually tagged me to talk about either my banana or my mr-x bias, but because i still consider myself as “developing” my bias order in mr-x (altho anyone can probably tell im leaning towards luo zheng) i’ll go with banana kids!! 

you may know already, my banana bias is Lu Dinghao 🌞🌞

(i dug deep into my #ludinghao tag to try to piece together what i can remember of what happened hahahha)

the rest will go under the cut bc i think this is gonna get kinda long....

Idol Producer Era

you may have seen me rant about this in my tags before, but I really did not plan on watching Idol Producer... at all. I watched p101s2 and it wasn’t the greatest experience for me (kenta and youngmin were my favs ;;;) and so I wasn’t too keen on starting another extremely similar show, because I had little hopes that the kids I’d like would make it to the end, so I thought the show would just end in disappointment for me again.  

but! *drumroll please* cue chen linong! (i promise, im getting to dinghao, itll all make sense eventually LOL)

so I forget why, but maybe when I was just on the internet, I heard a LOT about chen linong. (even my friends who don’t watch ip who are just normal taiwanese kids HAVE HEARD OF chen linong. he’s honestly THAT popular in taiwan that regular people who dont care about ip know his name - its crazy!) so i heard he was taiwanese and I heard he was super popular and tons of people loved him. so what did i do? I went and looked up his audition video bc i was like wtf why is this kid so popular?? whats so special about him??

so one audition video, one intro video, one upward!trainee video, and a couple of douyins later, i was officially committed to watching idol producer for chen linong. 

the next step, what do I do? go to wikipedia (LOL) and search up what other taiwanese boys are on the show. i immediately notice 3 of them are from banana ent and banana ent actually also has a malaysian child. (which was super interesting to me too bc i have a lot of friends who are southeast asian and southeast asian representation is super cool!!) and so i watched all of the 5 other taiwanese kids’ intro videos and upward!trainee videos. I’ll be honest, at the time none of them stood out to me as strongly as linong (I just love love love smiley guys, and linong’s personality was so strongly taiwanese and so down-to-earth in his audition video, i just couldn’t resist!) but from there, bc 3 of the 6 taiwanese kids were in banana, I knew to look out for the banana kids. 

fast forward to episode 2, I watch the banana audition perf and dinghao sort of stands out to me because i usually go for the��“happy/ mood-maker” member in kpop groups, so when he introduced himself as “小太陽陸定昊” i was like oo who’s this? also im soft for boys with the curved lip smile thing heheh and so in my curiosity to find out who he is, i look him up and find his instagram! (i didnt have weibo yet) and I start seeing pictures like these and I’m like oh my goodness he’s beautiful :o 

but i think julie (@qinfour) was one of the first people i talked to about this, but one of the reasons why i usually like “happy/ mood-maker” members is because I feel like I can relate to them (ie: dinghao) bc I feel similar to them. In high school i was seen as the crazy hyper happy one and people actually thought that i was constantly happy.... all the time... which is impossible. so it was hard for me at times bc when i wasn’t feeling happy, people would discredit my feelings, or as soon as I stopped smiling, people would be like omg whats wrong with you?? so to me, seeing idols who are like that, having a happy, fun exterior but are actually insecure / experiences hardships inside, makes me feel like i can relate to them. 

so anyway, so after ep 2 im already like kinda interested in dinghao (but also still interested in linong and the other banana trainees, but he’s on my radar) and so ep 3 rolls around and this HISTORIC xinfan ep from Feb. 2nd comes with it: 

(in the original video, the banana part starts around 8:36) and from watching this and dyING of laughter at zhangjing being adorable and sassy and dinghao being HILARIOUS, i was like ok i like them, they’re my fav banana children!! (even tho neither of them are taiwanese and i only became interested in banana in the first place bc they had taiwanese people LOOL) and you may be wondering, what about yanjun?? he was really funny in that video too?? but actually yanjun didn’t stand out to me until around “ai ni” bc he was in the same group as dinghao maybe bc i just didnt get his humor as much??? HAHAHHAHA like zhangjing and dinghao were like SO FUNNY to me but yanjun i was likeee okayyy (i love him and his humor so much now, but idk i just didnt get it back then?? LOL oops sorry yanjun) but yea, it wasn’t until “ai ni” that i started noticing him and then gradually it snowballed into i was MADLY VOTING FOR YANJUN by the the final ep and SUPER EMOTIONAL when he made it into the final 9, like my body was shakinggg, i was so happy !!! (i was MUCH happier with the result than i was with p101s2!) 

but anyway, back to the point, I think around this time was when i found out about the “rock the show” mv (it was actually released beforehand, on 1/29 and the dance version 2/6??), and I think i freaked out to violet (@zhu-xingjie) like !!!! wtf is this ?!?? its so good omgomg (something along those lines, at least ;;;) and then after watching the mv i was like ok im def gonna be a banana stan wow they make good music, so talent, super funny members, much visual wow

(tumblr only lets me embed youtube videos, but you can find the official video in HD!! here and the dance version here. id highly recommend watching both if you havent already!!!!!!! the dance version has more closeups???? and i felt even more attacked than i thought was possible after watching the official video???)

and so basically from there, I became a banana stan, focusing on lu dinghao and you zhangjing. and ofc i love zhangjing to bits and he’s so warm-hearted and adorable, but I think I’ll always feel the most connected to dinghao, which is why he became my bias.

some other moments that led me to love him:

his mini chinese lesson because i also struggle with “zhei” but also since then, ive discussed with nini on multiple occasions how weird dinghao’s chinese is?? hahahahahha its like hard to understand sometimes??

4/9 banana boys discussing getting rid of fans at the airport !!!! this is actually one of my favorite videos because LU DINGHAO IS HILARIOUS!!! SO EXTRA WOW

the entire banter with yanjun during the “ai ni” era bc he finally got more screen time!! and also he showed how good of a friend he was to keep voting for yanjun until he just really couldnt anymore

nursery coloring class with chaoze bc dinghao is ridiculous?? 

during the hot pot ep, just watch for any clips of dinghao and he’s probs doing something ridiculous

the banana family scene from the “boom boom boom” era where dinghao shows his insecurity, bc it was a moment where i felt i could really connect to him, as a flawed and normal human who isn’t happy all the time

fun fact: I think this banana boys post was one of the first i ever translated, probs bc beibei was leaving and im soft for that boy too and bonus you can see in my tags that im already dinghao trash at that point bc i freaking had 芝麻糊 for the first time (and bought it with my own money!!) bc of freaking Lu Dinghao !!! (about two weeks later, i bought a whole pack of it at the grocery store....) 

but anyway, so “that’s how the story goes” (gotta include a zzt reference heheh) of how dinghao became my bias... i tried to keep it as relevant to dinghao as i could? lol and i also could be remembering things wrong LOL but basically post-ip, all that’s changed is that i’ve realized dinghao is even weirder than i first realized HAHAH BUT I STILL LOVE HIM. 

some additional fun moments: 

this interview where he describes roasts all the other banana trainees

watch “sawadika banana” if you havent already and you’ll get some GOLD dinghao moments like this crazy mess and other hilarious shenanigans

idk if its been subbed yet, but this bazaar interview is one of my fav dinghao / yanjun / zhangjing videos bc theyre so funny!!! i was literally laughing the whole time, its so fun to watch c: 

im not gonna tag anyone else to do this, because it does take quite a while (3 hrs for me LOL) but its fun if you have the time to reflect back and if anyone wants to do it, id love to read your story as well!! 

[dream2074interviews]

Zoe Interview Transcript

F: First can you just introduce yourself, like where are you from how old are you

Z: so um my name is zoe its always a weird question when someone asks me where im from because most of the time its like “what are you?” instead of where are you from

N: yeah i get that

Z: so um I’m half british and half ugandan and um i was actually born in botswana where my dad was teaching at a university there and then we moved to england when i was 4 and i lived in cambridge for like 8 months and then my parents were like this is way too expensive and the moved to a little place called huntingdon which is 20 minutes outside of cambridge and half an hour from peterborough so thats where im from and now im in london after studying a fashion and textiles degree at LCF

N: how old were you when you moved to here?

Z: I’d just turned 20 cos i did an art foundation course which w- and now that i think about it im so happy i came at that age because i had friends that came when they were 18 straight away to uni to london to a new city and i couldn’t have done it

N: really?? Z: I felt like i was too young at 20 to be in london N: Why??

Z: Just I dont know cos like suddenly when your with you parents and everything’s safe and you’re in this small town and blah blah blah and then being.. you’re thrown into this city also i didnt really like like the first two years of my course so it was a bit of an overwhelming experience and then yeah

N: oh god i feel that Z: but yeah im happy its over now F: How do you feel about living in this society Z: In...? F: in london

Z: in london um when i first moved here i was super excited like for me i always knew that i wanted something more than Huntingdon where i was cos its quite- i love my friends there and everything but its very stand still, nothings really happening nothings really going anywhere and i always knew i wanted something more i knew i wanted- i wanted to keep exploring and travelling so when i came to london i was so excited that theres stuffhappening all the time i can literally go to galleries blah blah blah meet new and interesting people um yeah i loved it and.. i .. it was also really good in the sense that back home i didn’t really feel like i fit in um there wasn’t really that many people into art

um... i looked very different from everybody else and all the things i hated when i was in huntingdon suddenly when i was in london everyone was like omg this is amazing can i shoot you? and can i do this and i was like ok? like this is cool like this is nice that all of the things that over the years I’ve started to hate about myself... i needed it then cos it helped me to just be like.. live your life you know and just be like just chill out you know like things are ok you dont need to be blahblah.. sorry i lost my train of thought now

N: thats cool, but like... has that stayed with you during your time in london like are you still, do you still feel like that or,

Z: still feel like?

N: do you still feel like you need to be part of this like everything constantly moving everything happening or

Z: oh yeah i do definitely when i slow down its like oh god whats going on, even though i complain all the time about commuting and stuff like that i wouldn’t pick anywhere else cos im so inspired every day when i walk around like people here are like everyones here trying to hustle and like do their thing get their work done and that drives me cos back home everyones in a different mindset they’re just living for the next day really

N: content with a 9-5 Z: yeah! N: yeah i get it

Z: content with a 9-5 but then spending all their weekend like spending all their money just getting... messed up... for no reason! like i look at them and im like it must be such a depressing..

N: yeah... yeah i totally get it like im from birmingham so like exactly the same mentality like no-one like everyones like happy being within this /thing/ like everyones locked in doing the same thing every day getting fucked on the weekend and then like going back again and yeah like here everyones kind of like here trying to do something BIG

Z: yeah yep

N: I feel like its cos London... like all the major cities in the world are like not really part of that country they are but theyre sort of.. theyre more part of their own country so theyre all connected theyre all more international thinking

Z: literally! N: Its so much better

Z: its so true like you know when brexit was happening like they were like cant we just make london separate because theres so many people from so many different places and thats what i love like yeah my hometown.. it was more diverse than a lot of places a lot of towns in the UK so i was around lots of-i was around people of colour- i think that would have messed me up even more if there was nobody of colour and it would have been just white.. but i think it was just more boys so obviously i wasn’t going to hang out with them

so for me a lot of my time was spent with one type of girl and thats what i then internalised as “oh i need to be like this and i need to look like that and anyway its just stupidness like when you were younger are youre like “oh boys aren’t going to blah blah blah and you’d be like well if i look like this and i talk like this and i act like this then ill be fine” so i feel like it was a very good move of me moving to london it made me realise... like why are you why are you thinking you need to be like that when you’re absolutely fine likeee just get on with it!

N: yeah its true! I feel like just moving in general like even if you dont move to london like you just have to move somewhere else like you lose all of that perspective of like what everyone else has been telling you and you get another group of people... and i think when you’re young as well youre just so soft-even if you’re like strong as yourself- like im very stubborn and like quite but like it affects you! you get moulded

Z: it really does! N: it breaks you down

Z: and you dont realise how much it does until you suddenly have this breakdown and you’re thinking about it and all these things and you’re like oh god ok that really explains that and like

N: sometimes it takes a while for your train of thought to like Z: kick in yeah N: and like be aware of it! Z: to catch up with you yeah

F: What do you love about yourself right now, how you feel you're the same or different as a woman?

Z: So uhh i im more comfortable in myself yes 100% yeah but during uni i- like i said before i’d been struggling my whole life like i had a bit of a breakdown in second year where i was just like i cant keep up with this work or the work that im producing just doesn’t seem to be what theyre wanting and im not very good at talking to people so i just kept it all inside and then i ended up just yeah... i had to go home for a bit i had to blahblahblah and throughout that period i realised i had a really bad problem with anxiety... just communicating with people like sometimes i come across as a really confident person and i can talk to anyone then theres other times where im just like i dont know how to have a normal conversation with you like im trying to and then i realise im starting to not make sense and that can so um yeah i am better but especially after uni im like im having a bit of like identity problems and stuff like that

N: placeless-ness Z: yes placeless-ness, definitely N: yea i totally get you, everything you just said i’m like YEP

Z: yeah i think the worst thing is when i find myself talking to someone and im like wow i cant even hold a conversation what is going on with me like- and then you can see other people are just like ok... maybe thats just me though maybe im being silly but yeah thats one of the problems with myself now that im trying to work on its my anxiety just being like hey zoe like why are you stressin like theres no point stressing like there literally no. point. at all. i say this to myself a hundred times a day but yet here i am like

N: stressin out!

Z: yeah, so yeah thats i feel like once i get grounded in what i wanna do thats gonna help out a lot when im like this is where im supposed to be im happy im fine. i mean its better than it was when i was a child i was very sen conscious i never thought like cos i was this massive 6 ft 15 year old like with like huge hair and everyone had like perfect straight hair n that was just yeah i was just always the different one and i hated being the different one. I wished, because of my anxiety i wished i could just be normal and like in the corner hidden away but yeah..

N: its good though like, i feel like now you seem to be more aware of everything so its like putting things in to perspective helps a lot like all those things that make you different like you start to just appreciate them and realise that yeah this is kinda cool like its shit, its shit being normal like why would you wanna be average i cant take it

Z: I think- it sounds funny but one of the things that hit me about my appearance- i used to hate my freckles because i thought it made me look dirty blahblahblah but when i came to london and you know there was- i feel like when i first moved here as well i was probably everyone was like ohhh freckles, cos you know you can get those freckle pencil from topshop!

N: yeah yeah!

Z: and one of my housemates in first year in halls every morning would draw on freckles so seeing that made me be like i need to be more thankful because these are natural like yeah im just gonna stop caring

N: ugh wholesome it’s so much better and wholesome way of thinking!

F: So how do you prefer to connect with other people now like do you prefer to communicate like straightforward or whats your way of communicating with society?

Z: i feel like right now im just a lot more straightforward, open, after i had to go home for ages i hated being like oh im just away for a bit i found it just a bit like ooh uhh not satisfying but more, it was easier to just be like look I’ve had to go home for a bit, I’ve been in hospital, im recovering, im gonna come back and it was better for me because then people knew exactly what was going on and they didn’t care they wanted to help which was better than me just faffing about so for me now i just try to be more open about everything if im having a tough day im just like look im having a tough day like this is whats happened blah blah blah i dont want to dwell on this i want to move on blahblahblah and if i wanna talk to people im gonna be like hey lets meet up lets do something so im just a lot more forward whereas before i just was trying to please people and i was just pussyfooting around everything and i wouldn’t get to the point and yeah

N: yeah i get that, i had a mental breakdown in likeee may this year and its because like i was just keeping everything in and it was its so difficult cos people like expect you to be a certain way especially if they like if they like semi know you

Z: YEAH

N: they think that thats you as a whole but really you’ve got all this shit going on and i was like look, im dying, im going to therapy now

Z: exactly, thats the hard thing though when people see you smiling all the time. i dont know ah its so sad but half the time its just fake like im just trying to get through my day the easiest i can so i can get home and you know

N: but its so much better you know when you’re sad to actually be sad so its like cos you dont have the pressure of being- the lie- the performance- the perfomance on you. The performance kills you

Z: yeah it was the performance and because i was so sad and i let it go on for 3 or 4 years i mean my mum kinda knew that i wasn’t happy and stuff like that and yeah.. that was so nice to be like yeah i don’t have to act anymore because that was another thing i was like it would make me hate myself, cos i was like you’re so fake youre this that and then it would be this daily thing of me- oh my god I’m gonna cry- it would be this daily thing of me just being like you’re a piece of shit like why are you even trying like whats the point. So for me to just be like no this is whats happening and this is whats going on it was just yeah, so much nicer to just sort of let go

N: yep yeah i feel that it’s difficult

F: Do you want to share a part of yourself with other people or do you prefer to hide yourself more?

Z: um so im a lot more cautious with who i share myself with, and I’m a lot more picky in a sense, and i know that sounds bad but i think you have to be picky with the people you surround yourself with and I’ve reduced it, because beforehand you’d have those friends that you weren’t really friends with you’re just like acquaintances and they were friends of a friend like you felt like you had to keep up so now that all of that is gone its just easier for me to be 100% honest with those few people and yeah it just you feel a lot more together for a start but when it comes to interacting with the world i just think to myself- like i wanna be a happy person in order to just because in london everyone is so moody all the time and i don’t think that people understand that you saying one horrible thing to someone can completely ruin their day cos its happened to me before when someones like pushed me in a queue or just said “move” or “hurry up” or something and I’ve already been in such a shit mood that its just added to the top of it and I’ve been like right I’m done like so for me its really important to hold myself and be like how i’d want people to treat me, yeah every day everyone is going through so much i just think its so horrible when people are mean or just impatient

N: its just not productive is it, where are we getting with it Z: yeah exactly

N: I get what you mean about the friendships i feel like we have a certain amount of energy and like when you have acquaintances and stuff or friends that are sort of fake like you end up giving if youre a sensitive person, you give them a lot of your energy and you don’t get that back theres this imbalance and that hurts

Z: IT HURTS

N: yeah it drains you

Z: thats the thing i was giving so much of myself spreading myself so thin. Whether that be oh yeah ill come help you with this and that and then i’d have no time to myself and i was running myself down and i wasn’t eating or sleeping blah blah blah all for other people! which yeah ok thats good but i wasn’t thinking like wait zoe you need to kind of look after yourself too cos thats one thing when youve got mental health issues you go through a while i think of not thinking about yourself, and then also sometimes people will call you selfish so its hard to remember like you need to take care of yourself

N: yeah you have to take care of yourself because like if you don’t then you wont be able to like your energy is precious like you need to nurture it with the people who are gonna give it to you back and like it should grow always

Z: exactly, the people who are there for you in the long run

N: like you said like your mom and everything, family and that kind of thing its such a special thing if you have a good relationship, its like so solid and it wont ever fade like you’ll do anything for each other. I think people have that with friends as well but then like theres certain kinds of friends where its just like theyre not gonna give you that back, and they’ll keep taking as much as they can because they only see that one side of you where you’re smiley and stuff. i feel like they don’t stretch their minds enough to understand that you’ve got this whole other world going on

Z: and also sometimes.... back to the thing about my mum. although she knew that i struggled a bit, i didn’t tell her the full story because in my head- because my mum is a really strict christian and um whenever i come to her with something she’d just be like shall we just pray about it and i’d be like its not...

N: I can relate!!

Z: I’d be like bless you but right now its not gonna do anything for me like, I’m telling you i wanna kill myself and you’re telling me lets pray to jesus.. it was frustrating and it was... hard and it did isolate me even more because i was like well who can i talk to?! and then i was like well stop being silly and when i got sent to hospital and i just told my mum everything she was like- she still is now like are you praying are you doing this and I'm like erm

N: it's difficult with religious parents because for them it's like the ultimate form of care they believe like that is what is going to help you and there only putting that forward because that is what they want for you they've got so much love for you it’s really difficult I went through that with my parents

Z: and you get to a point where you're like is there anyone even listening to me?

........(lost her train of thought here) F: so do you enjoy sharing part of yourself with people?

Z: when I can find people, where we’re on the same wavelength, we've got the same vibe, the same vision, we’re not wasting each other time, when are being those people where oh you read my text and you didn’t reply back. When you find people that you just get on with each other and you understand each other like if I can't get back to you right now know that I will do like I'm not ignoring you

N: I Actually had a conversation with my friend about this at like 3 AM he was like I've turned my read receipts on like my real friends will know I've read your thing and I will get back to you and then the other ones if they complain about it like why haven't you replied to me just leave them.

Z: literally I feel like people got so consumed by it atone point even I was like oh my god they read my message blah blah. So like when you find people you're excited to talk to it's so nice to be like let's just..... yeah so for me I love doing that but it has to be specific people who aren't here to mess around my time and just take things from me and like we respect each other it's a good working friendship

F: so what's your biggest difficulty that you overcome during your life? And your biggest story that you want to share.

Z: it's really strange when I talk about things because I have such a nice upbringing and my parents always in my life for like support and stuff like that.... One of the main difficult things that really hurt me and haunt me and I actually blocked it out for like a good chunk of my life..... A Family friend sexually abused me when I was between the ages of eight and 10 and it was horrible it was horrible that I didn't understand what was going on then so like I didn't make much of it I didn't realise how much of an effect it had on me growing up like I would cover myself up Head to toe like I'd wear baggy clothes I didn't want anyone to see the shape of my body I didn't hug people I was very like- people would be like oh you're very awkward because I wasn't into hugging I wouldn't be that warm I'd have to observe you first I didn't realise it at first both because I didn't want to let anyone into hurt me. And that was another thing that like in first year it was as if my brain and my body had shut it out and then I got to uni and like bam I started getting all these flashbacks I started to be like how fucking dare this person do something to me like that. It just fucked with me yeah really factor to me because even after that older men have always been interested in me even when I was like a 13 -year-old child teachers in school would always act differently with me it was just a bit like I don't like thinking about it I went to a phase where I was like is that all men want from me just sex

N: well, men are trash, it's not you Z: but then that's the thing though I thought it was my fault I thought I was to blame for it

N: but that's when is with anxiety everything just turns back on you you are literally like I'm the one to blame for everything for all of this misfortune, it's really difficult I feel like as well because you can be the most logical person in the world and you can see it as how it it really is but there is that Demon inside of you that's like

Z: it keeps telling you yeah

N: it's horrific

Z: with me it's just being like zoe you were eight like there is nothing you were doing... I still struggle with it especially when it comes the meeting potential boyfriends and stufflike that because I'm just like awkward like in the back of my head I’m like they just want sex, that's all they want. Then I can be a bitch to people because I put up a guard and I'm really rude and really defensive it's just because I'm scared

N: which is totally valid, completely valid. And I think people who are worth it will realise it, like they will work Z: to get through it yeah

N: and anyone that doesn’t, just put them in the bin

Z: yeah it took me awhile to realise that because yes so in first year, god everything happened in first year with first year I came to London and I I had my little ho phase, I think it's because in Huntingdon no one was really looking at me it was only really old men that would do that and I came to London like people my age were showing an interest in me and this was new so I ended up getting into relationships and seeing people that were trash and I didn't realise it until I was halfway through so I was like oh god I've made the biggest mistake and it took me till second year to be like stop like what are you doing you've got to focus on yourself first and be careful with people because although they act nice at first it could all change and yeah so I try not to dwell on it too much I used to wake up every morning and just be a bit blergh it's hard to just get over somethings, it has gotten better but every now and then there can be something that just triggers it and when it gets like that I just need to be like I'm here for a reason someone is trying to test me today

N: but it's important not to like, like it's not about just getting over something it doesn't just click and like everything is okay it such a slow thing but then slow things SO much better because it's solid

Z: I forget that every day I forget it and I'm like I wish I could just be okay that you got to realise a takes a while, but I'm an impatient person nine

N: you'll get there like you seem to be very reflective person I feel like that's the best thing that you can be

Z: the best thing has been going to therapy N: it's so good Z: so so good F: is it where can i go?

N: go at UAL its free!

Z: yeah I went to a lady at UAL but it wasn't like therapy she was a mentor but i could talk to her about anything, she'd be like that's probably the reason you can't do this and she'd help me just like Connect it

N: theyre like detectives innit

Z: because before that when you try and do it you make crazy assumptions, but when somebody else tells you it's a lot better and you're like okay this makes sense I'm allowed to be sad I'm allowed to hurt I'm allowed to feel all these things by car just let it consume me and I have to think about what I want from from moving on

N: my therapist was like, she let me talk about all of my bullshit and like I refuse to like believe that anything bad that happens to me is like worth me feeling shit nothing is really attacking me or whatever and then at the end of my rampage she was just like nabila; call it what it is, its trauma. I was like oh my god that's a strong word

Z: yeah cos again when you're that smiley friendly person you don't really want to think about all that stuff and you don't always want to bring it up to someone and be like- because I don't know about you but when we grew up I feel like we grew up quite tough and we just get on with our shit.

N: yeah emotions aren't a thing

Z: i'll compare it to my boyfriend is American and he talks about his feelings all the time and I'm just like we are different and we were bought up so differently. Like I was brought up to just be like you're okay crack on get on with it it's not the best way and then sometimes I talk about my emotions too much and I feel like I'm being a drama queen or something and then I'm like stop hating yourself

N: I didn't realise it but when I was growing up I internalised this thing where I thought sensitivity was a weakness but the thing is I didn't see it in other people as a weakness I was always quite encouraging of it but when it came to myself I was like why are you being such a pussy why are you being like this and then someone said to me when I was having my tough time she just said to me nabila you're just sensitive you just feel things, I was like oh is that what that is? I didn't think I was sensitive

Z: it's horrible because you think you're weak and stuff but you just feel things a lot more

N: now I feel like my brain has reframed it and sensitivity’s such a strength to have. Because you can bond with people so easily if you want to not a lot of people have that which is kind of sick. that’s another thing that my therapist said to me, she was like not a lot of people have empathy you're quite lucky to have it and I was like “but I'm hurting”. She was like “no no is going to be alright is going to come to your advantage don't worry”

Z: literally now it's not even weakness I've mess only nice people that I can have conversations with and connect with them yeah I don't know I can’t see how it could be weakness

N: that's the thing though with sensitivity I feel like you can meet people and have these surface level chat where you chat about just normal shit but there is people that you meet can you talk about things in such a deep level and that's that crazy connection

Z: yeah and that's the difference like earlier on I was saying how I can't chat to some people I feel like with our generation at the moment as well as the industry we work in we're always looking for the next new cool thing who's got this who's got that sometimes

I feel like when you talk to people they are just judging you like oh have you got it... this is the word that just like my tutors would be like it's not quite it it hasn't got it it was always going round my head that I wasn't it

N: what is this it what is this perfection that everyone’s striving for

Z; yeah I'd always be like that but then I'd be like it doesn't matter if I can't have a conversation with those people that I don't even want to be around

N: yeah was having a conversation about this with my brother and he was talking about having ideals and stuff he was like I don't mean perfection but I said that literally the definition of ideal people shouldn't have these preconceived notions of what an ideal is then because then you always striving to something that you're probably not going to find I think you should just look at person or get to know a person and register what there and find the goodness in that and that's how you bond

Z: yeah exactly that's how you bond, yeah I literally agree so much I feel like so many people feel like they're going to change someone yeah let's adapt let me just completely change you and I'm like.... Yeah I don't want to

N: what's the point? how long are you going to be my life?

Z: exactly especially in London people aren’t in your life that long it's not long periods of time

N: and relationships don't have to be like that it's okay but you're always going to be your own life so you have to the most stable thing

Z: and that was lesson I taught myself like focus on your stability and are you going as a person rather than what anybody all anyone else thinks

N; what is the best thing that you can do really for your relationships with anybody else if you're solid then that's that then you can figure out how much energy you are going to give them you know?

F: so where do you find your energy and your strengths so where can you find your energy to support you?

Z: erm that's hard for me I think it's just productivity if I make sure I keep myself busy keep myself working and motivated that's what seems to work best for me even if I not working towards something and I'm not feeling very confident if I just do something for it I often then it just helps me get to get back into a mindset of being like yeah you can do something although not everything is going to be amazing you can just keep doing it and then my mum my mum is another one that just keeps me going just because her life is crazy and the fact that she's just so happy everyday like every day

F: me too Z: I'm just like your amazing N: where did she get her happiness from do you know?

F: she’s just simple, I have the same thing N: is it just the little things? Z: yeah

N: I've been trying to do that you know I was talking to my friend the other day we were talking about going through shit and how Life just seems to drag you down well she was talking about that and I was like look this is why go on about dumb shit like when the sunlight hits a building I'm like listen everyone stop everyone needs to absorb this

Z: yeah but I don't know how he does it everyday

N: I mean it's probably you if you don't know what is it probably is you

Z: ah but I feel like I’ve caused her so much stress

N: I don't think parents ever see like that though, I think something just happens when you give birth to another human being

Z: yeh! I have thought about this though right I just feel Like going through the whole thing of giving birth to something and then holding it in your hands I feel like you'll never stop loving like you can't ever

N: yeah I don't see how you can is literally a part of you and you're out here like breathing she is like yES I DID THAT

Z: yeah she keeps me going it's crazy N: mums are fabulous

F: yeah that's why I was doing this project in the beginning because of my mother like when I'm feeling upset or depressed I feel like my mum is always happy about things and she's just so positive all the time like everything is simple in her world but in mine everything is so difficult

Z: yeah definitely

N: we gets quite locked into our own worlds though and don’t realise that theres this whole.... Like ultimately nothing really matters apart from our happiness Z: yeah its just getting there, cuz we all know this it just

N: you get lost in it innit, its like you’re spinning around, you cant focus on the one thing, thats what happens all the time with everything whether you're doing a project or whatever you just completely lose your bearings but once you lock onto something everything is okay

Z: and that feeling it's such a good feeling when you're like actually I can do this I'm going to places yeah realising that you can do it

N: and that's my mums are there for they're just like yes you can do it I watched you learn to walk

Z: they just know they know N: I'm going to have to call my mom after this and tell her I love her Z: she hears all the time from me though im like I'm so sorry I love you so much F: what do you think of relationships and love

Z: very complicated, I found it so hard to be able to be comfortable with someone and just be my weird self again I just think I was looking to fill a whole with anyone and anything and I really been treated badly by some not very nice people and when I look back and it just makes me angry but then I'm like it's a learning experience you were young everyone has to go through this but now looking to the future I just want to find someone who were on the same page we Wanna work together in a functioning relationship functioning is the words we look after each other we care for each other we listen to each other like we've got each others backs I don't want you to tell me you love me every day and get me gifts I just want you to I don't know I just want to know they've got my back in situations for me that's just the biggest thing being able to trust somebody and I feel like sometimes I feel like our idea of love is so twisted like the way some of my friends talk to me about what they want I'm just like that so far away from why do you want that yeah I I've lost my train of thought.... It does make me sad though you know when you're 15 and everyone's telling you don't worry about it now and you still go through it all I wish I could go back and talk to myself and say you're fine mate just keep going just carry on you don't need anybody

N: it is difficult because I feel like everything when you're growing up all the movies all the books you read the music you listen to everything that everyone talks about it's like you have another half of yourself to find

F: its so true

Z: so true, I thought that for the longest time, I was like well for me to be complete I have to find somebody else it's not enough to be by yourself

N: it's super hard to get out of that way of thinking

Z: especially when your eyes have been opened a little bit but then you talk to your friend and they are the exact opposite they're like oh I need a man blah blah blah

N: that's the small town mentality jumping out

Z: I don't know about you but back home because it's like so small everyone just goes out with the same people so it's kind of incestuous and that was another reason why I was like I can't go back because I'll end up going with somebody's cousin all brother and I can’t

N: it's difficult to find someone with the same like that deeper level of connection rather than surface both difficult because everyone approaches any kind of relationship with the surface stuff you can't just go straight into depth it'll be a bit weird

Z: haha yeah so what do you think about life?

N: yeah we should just run these interviews we’ll start dating thing for next project... It really should be really easy to talk about that stuff straightaway it's hard because sometimes you're like in the past like back in the day things were different- but it wasn't really was it? I suppose it's never really be easy

Z: and even now I feel like the way we are shown couples you're supposed to look good together, do amazing things together and it's just like yeah you two can both look Peng and you can be like in Australia riding jetskis whatever but you might hate each other that's the worst thing and some people are like all this is the best thing I'm going to get so I'm just going to settle and that's the worst