#like....... nah its like. ill cancel all plans if i think shits coming.... i will call into work for a random- KLFJDSKLF like. its so bad

[3416]

me knowing some people just watch wtfock for fun and in their spare time and use fandom as a form of expression without prioritizing it over their real lives vs me being GENUINELY obsessed with it and using it as a survival and coping mechanism throughout 2019 and 2020....

[i-can-get-extra-with-my-fics]

Day 22 - High School Prom - Boardwalk Boys

(aka revenge of the sick fic)

welcome back to Em extorting loopholes

tw none

---

The bois were planning on going to prom together. That was until the text in the group chat.

Boy In Red: guys i have to cancel

Angry Smol: pls dont tell meh its cuz u b cheating on us

Tall Ass: WHAT THE FUCK RICHARD

Tall Ass: WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT

Tall Ass: NOW IMMA BE PARONID AS HELL

Fucking Pans Since 1800: jere calm down babe

Fucking Pans Since 1800: it's probably fine

Boy In Red: i sick

Angry Smol: u was perfectly fine at school?

Tall Ass: FUCK HE'S CHEATING ON US

Boy In Red: 1. it's called acting richard

Boy In Red: 2. jere calm the fuck down i ain't cheating on you guys

Fucking Pans Since 1800: now that thats out of the way

Fucking Pans Since 1800: ill b over in 5

Tall Ass: not if i get there first

Fucking Pans Since 1800: stfu u 2 practically live together which is so not fair

Angry Smol: ye

Angry Smol: he gets michael time like 24/7

Boy In Red: oop jere u making da babes jealous

Tall Ass: oh well

Boy In Red: there is screeching on my street

Boy In Red: ummm....

Angry Smol: is that good or bad?

Boy In Red: nah its fine

Boy In Red sent a picture

Angry Smol: what they saying

Boy In Red: what i could pick up was:

Boy In Red: Jake: NOT FUCKING TODAY SATAN Jere: HOW DARE YOU ASSUME I AM SATAN *running noises and some other shits* Jere: I crave affection

Boy In Red: and now they making out i think

Boy In Red: imma just-

Angry Smol: ok well imma hurry it up and get my ass there

Michael opened up his bedroom window where he had a clear shot of Jake and Jeremy making out. "HEY YO STOP MAKING OUT AND COME GIVE ME ATTENTION"

The two burned red as they walked to the front door which they opened with Jeremy's key after arguing for like 2 minutes over who was gonna open the door.

During that whole time Michael stared at his ceiling just repeating "Idiots. I'm in love with fucking idiots."

After they greeted Michael's moms they made their way upstairs to find Michael half-dead on the floor.

Jeremy's first reaction was "Oof you are not looking too hot hun."

"No shit captain obvious. I'm fucking dying."

Jake didn't say anything and just joined Michael on the floor. Michael nuzzled into his side.

"Ahh. So it's one of those sick days." Jeremy joined his boyfriends on the floor.

After a while of just cuddling on the floor Jake asked where Rich was. Rich then promptly kicked open the door and screeched "WHATS UP MOTHERFUCKERS!!!"

"DON'T FUCKING BREAK MY DOOR!!"

"Oh so we just chilling? Kay." Rich laid down on top of the three of them.

"Rich I love you, but why must you do this?" Jeremy groaned.

"Don't act like I weigh a lot. We all know I don't."

"Fair."

They ended up deciding this was better than prom.

---

ye i cheated

[thesportssoundoff]

“What Happens When The Worst Case Scenario Happens?” A UFC 221 Preview

Joey

February 5th, 2018

Oooof.

You poor dudes out there in Australia. The UFC's plan to finally put on another PPV in Australia felt like a solid enough one; bring your standard Fight Night-ish card with some bigger matchups and some title fights to make it all tie together. The original concept was easy enough to understand. You give Australia Robert Whittaker in a big title main event, find yourself a second title fight and roll with it. Unfortunately as is often the case with the UFC, the best laid plans tend to lead to things falling apart. The second fight (rumored to be Thug Rose vs Tecia Torres) fell apart and Robert Whittaker wound up contracting some kind of a super duper illness which took him out of the fight. In its place we're left with an Australian showcase card without THE big Aussie title fight to be the bow to tie everything together. Shit shit shit. This card isn't anywhere near as bad as some of the other cursed PPVs of 2016 but given what it could've been, it still hurts to see what we've got. Let's try to make the best of it, eh?

Fights: 12

Debuts: 1 (Israel Adesanya)

Fight Changes/Injury Cancellations: 1 (Robert Whittaker OUT, Yoel Romero IN vs Luke Rockhold)

Headliners (fighters who have either main evented or co-main evented shows in the UFC): 6 (Luke Rockhold, Robert Whittaker, Mark Hunt, Jake Matthews, Jussier Formiga, Ross Pearson)

Fighters On Losing Streaks in the UFC:  3 (Ross Pearson, Mizuto Hirota, Damien Brown)

Fighters On Winning Streaks in the UFC:  7 (Jose Quinoines, Curtis Blaydes, Li Jingliang, Alexander Volkanovski, Jeremy Kennedy, Dong Hyun Kim, Ben Nguyen)

Main Card Record Since Jan 1st 2016 (in the UFC): 17-10-2 Yoel Romero- 1-1 Luke Rockhold- 1-1 Mark Hunt- 2-1-1 Curtis Blaydes- 3-1-1 Tai Tuivasa- 1-0 Cyril Asker- 2-2 Jake Matthews- 2-2 Li Jingliang- 4-0 Tyson Pedro- 2-1 Saparbek Safarov- 0-1

Too High Up- Tai Tuivasa vs Cyril Asker

Come on, man. Come on now. Tai Tuivasa vs Cyril Asker is not a main card fight EVEN on free TV. Cyril Asker has never fought off of Fight Pass and NOW he's on PPV? NOW?! Come on. I get the argument here that Tai Tuivasa at 24 years old has all sort of upside and potential in the UFC's HW division that is starting to get itself a new collection of young big guys. This is a showcase fight----but you shouldn't make people pay 60 bucks for a friggin showcase fight especially when it's got a decent shot of falling apart on ya. Tuivasa vs a better opponent? Sure! Against Cyril Asker?! Nah, man.

Too Low- Jussier Formiga vs Ben Nguyen

Plenty of people will make the argument here for me but yeah, I get it. People don't like flyweights and they're not sold on the division and they hate the champ and etc etc etc. The point is that if you're being honest about divisional relevance and title fight qualifications, this fight is probably far closer to being something of note than any other fight on the main card besides the top two fights. Nguyen was swamped by Louis Smolka but outside of that performance he's been all action and basically all finish in the UFC. Jussier Formiga is a fine step up and an important challenger who tests whether or not somebody is truly ready for the next step up in their careers. Even if it makes some people get all butt hurt, you have to commit to giving the 125ers a chance on bigger shows.

Stat Monitor for 2018:

Debuting Fighters (Current number: 0-4):  Israel Adesanya

Short Notice Fighters (Current number: 1-2): Yoel Romero

Second Fight (Current number: 2-6): Daichi Abe, Saparbek Safarov, Tai Tuivasa, Rob Wilkinson

Cage Corrosion (Current number: 4-4):  Saparbek Safarov

Undefeated Fighters (Current number: 2-6): Israel Adesanya, Tai Tuivasa, Daichi Abe

Twelve Precious Ponderings

1- So given that this fight came about on short notice, how many rounds does the ageless wonder that IS Yoel Romero have in him? 2? 2-3 tops?

2- The most obvious question for me is how will Rockhold handle the athleticism that Romero possesses if it forces him to go backwards? For Rockhold the plan (to me at least) seems obvious; drag Yoel into deep and (Pirates of) dark waters after the 2nd or 3rd round, get him tired and get him down. In theory if he flattens out Romero, he can presumably pound out a tired Romero with torrential ground and pound. Getting there is the problem as Rockhold did not look overly comfortable exchanging on the feet with David Branch who is not exactly the world's best striker. Romero's quick twitch explosive offense is going to be on point in the first and second round while Rockhold's entire path to victory in my estimation is dependent upon his ability to turn those first few rounds into a slow grind en route to an eventual finish. Rockhold hasn't been the same springy athlete he was during his Strikeforce days but he's a hell of a lot stronger than he used to be and his size can drain on folks when he gets clinch happy. At the same time, Romero in the third round has proven to be a pretty damn scary fighter.

3- Do we pencil in the winner of Rockhold/Romero vs Whittaker for sometime in the summer? Robert Whittaker has suggested he expects to be healthy around then and if they cancel UFC 222 as a PPV (a possibility) then maybe the UFC goes back to Australia to try and make up for the lost PPV of March in the Summertime.

4- A lot has been made of the UFC/Mark Hunt relationship and I get it. In all fairness, they gave him  a pretty tough match up here. If Curtis Blaydes can replicate what Stipe Miocic did, he's got a good chance to spoil this Aussie partay with Mark Hunt at the helm. Outside of Stipe, Hunt's takedown defense has held up pretty well but he can still be stalled and neutralized against the cage.

5- There's been a better version of Curtis Blaydes each time he takes to the cage even if his striking still remains at times too wild for its own good and his submission game doesn't seem to be developing much. Even if his confidence comes and goes, Blaydes will likely be his best yet vs Mark Hunt. Whether that's good enough to beat Hunt remains the question.

6- You can almost view the final three fights on the main card as the usual progression of Australian prospects:

Tai Tuivasa- "Oh man we've got a new guy! He's Australian and he looks good! Did you see how he finished that last fight?!"

Tyson Pedro- "Okay so he lost but there's no reason to give up on him just yet. Let's give him a wee bit of a step back and see if he can handle that. If he wins then we're back on course!"

Jake Matthews- "Well we're stuck with him so we might as well figure out what to do with him."

7- That Li Jingliang vs Jake Matthews match is pretty damn interesting if we're being honest for a second or two. He's got four straight wins, three by finish, against relatively okay competition. The likes of Zak Ottow and Frank Camacho have proven their worth as exciting middle of the pack type guys so we at least know he can beat average. While I don't know if Jake Matthews is better than average, I do know that stylistically he'll present a few challenges for The Leech. For starters, Li Jingliang's main slip up came against Keita Nakamura. Matthews and Nakamura do share some similarities; primarily in the way that both are heavy grappling types who seem to excel in those gas out fights where everybody is tired. Nakamura is the more seasoned grappler and better at subs (ask The Leech) but Matthews tends to be more active with top control. It's one of those ugly stylistic challenges that Li Jingliang will have to get by if he wants to be able to have a justifiable case at a top 10 spot in the WW division.

8-Who thinks it's a good idea for Teruto Ishihara to drop down to 135 lbs? That seems really reckless?

9- Alexander Volkanovski vs Jeremy Kennedy is one of those fights that's really hard to get excited about even if you acknowledge that it's a pretty fine fight on paper. Both guys are so similar that this has "Stall against the fence" stamped on it. It's a great fight between two unbeaten prospects at 145 lbs BUT it's just tough to muster up any real excitement given what it presents to be on paper.

10- I'm at that weird spot with Ross Pearson where I don't want to see him take any damage and leave the way he's left before but I also don't want to see him to win and potential incur more damage down the road. All of Ross Pearson's fights recently (since the Felder win at least), FEEL the same. The spirit is still willing and he has flashes of moments where he's in control but he just no longer has the athletic quicks and he doesn't respond to strikes the way you feel like he should. He's in that weird Gray Maynard class where the fighter he once was is gone but the fighter he remains is competitive enough to the point where he's always going to believe he's one win away from rediscovering it.

11- Can Israel Adesanya do what Gokhan Saki did and put a jolt in the UFC?

12- Someone sell me on Daichi Abe, por favor.

Must Win

1- Curtis Blaydes

As  long as Mark Hunt is suing the UFC, he's probably got a job. Just one of those weird "nature of the biz" type deals. Since November we've seen plenty of prospects get pushed to the back of line by virtue of disappointing losses (Albini to Arlovski, Golm to Johnson, Sherman to Abdurahimov and I suppose if one tried hard enough, Ngannou to Miocic). That leaves Curtis Blaydes as one of the few left standing who has some steam behind him. Blaydes HAS the ability to be a top 10 HW, of that I have no doubt. Because it's the big dude division, he's taking an absurd jump up from Olenik to Mark Hunt in Australia. Good luck, dude.

2- Ben Nguyen

Let's briefly recap some Jussier Formiga stats:

Lost to Dodson- Dodson got a title shot. Lost to Benavidez- Immediate title shot for Jobi Wan. Lost to Cejudo- Cejudo gets a title shot Lost to Ray Borg- Borg gets a title shot.

Beating Formiga is the gateway to title town (or a gateway to getting smoked by Mighty Mouse) and so if Nguyen wants to be join Mark Hunt and Robert Whittaker as proud adopted Aussies fighting for the title, he's gotta pick up the win here.

3- Li Jingliang

I could go for Jake Matthews here as well. With the UFC making significant progress in China, Li Jingliang should in theory be on the come up. He's the best fighter out of China currently and fights in a division where if you haven't fought one of the top 5 guys yet, there's substantial progress to be made.

Five Can't Miss Fights

1- Yoel Romero vs Luke Rockhold

2- Teruto Ishihara vs Jose Quinones

3- Rob Wilkinson vs Israel Adesanyna

4- Dong Hyun Kim vs Damien Brown

5- Ben Nguyen vs Jussier Formiga

[nneoculture]

hidden relationship w/ idol!yuta (requested)

request: Hii can you pls do Hidden relationship with idol!Yuta? Thanks :)

a/n so i’m guessing you guys really enjoy my hidden relationship scenarios bc i have a johnny and a doyoung one coming up as requested!!! other than that i still have a lot of other stuff in my requests but still feel free to send some here! i probably won’t post another one of these till next week since its project week so i’m gonna be focusing on school :( but please do support my other recent scenario for mark! thank you very much! (this got really long im so sorry)

genre: slight angst, fluff

ok so you're ncts stylist 

so you're always on the go with them and shit and you've actually grown pretty close to them

especially yuta

so yuta ,,,, he's a flirt everyone is aware of this ,,, at first he tried to flirt with you whenever you do his hair

but then after a while, he'd actually talk about pretty interesting things which made u think like ??? oh he's not just some stuck up flirty idol

then yeah you two eventually grew closer which led to him asking you out on a date

by date he means ,,, sneak out at 2 am and eat ramen at a convenience store

but that was fine with you. you understand his situation 

so you've pretty much only been dating for a month and since cherry bomb promotions have been going on, you can't really risk getting him in trouble so you both agree to tell everyone about your relationship after promotions end

so yeah yuta's actually such a good bf

he treats you like a goddess, he literally praises the ground you walk on

you, on the other hand, manage to sneak lil cheek pinches while doing his makeup

you're always like "i don't even have to do your hair it looks good no matter what"

you're just a hidden power couple ya know

yeah ok so one day you're just styling ncts hair and stuff and fixing their clothes for a music video

and johnny's about to do his take and the other stylist is like "hey y/n can u do some final checks on johnny" and ur like yeah sure

so johnny's sitting in the chair next to yuta's and so yeah you're doing final touch ups on johnny

and then he's like "y/n ur really pretty"

and you're like "oh thanks dude"

he's like "are you free after the shoot we should go for some lunch or something"

you glance at yuta and he's staring and u already know hes jealous bc hes so protective of u

you're like "sorry johnny but ill pass i kinda have something going on later"

and he's like "aw are u sure you can't cancel that? its just lunch"

then he turns to yuta and he goes "bro don't you think she should go out for lunch with me?"

yuta's like "idk bro i mean she did say she already has plans tho" and he looks MAD

johnny's like "aye do you have a boyfriend y/n"

you're like "uhhhh yeah"

yuta's like :333 dat me on the inside

johnny's like "oh crap who's the lucky guy!!!!!!"

you're like "oh just some guy you don't know him"

johnny's like "oh well sorry for trying to get at you then man i didn't know" 

ur like "nah its fine jaehyun tried to ask me out once too anyway"

then he goes off to film his take and thats when u realize YUTA DOESNT KNOW ABOUT THE JAEHYUN THING

yuta's like "so jaehyun tried asking you out??"

you're like "yyyyyyeeeeaaaaah"

"and you didn't tell me?"

"yeaaaahhhhhh"

"was it before or after we started dating"

"after"

yuta's like "if it was before would you have said yes"

and you're like "wtf kind of question is that ofcourse not,,,, i had a thing for you"

and he's still kinda insecure but he has to film so he leaves before he can say anything else

and you're like no bby don't feel that way :(:(:( 

so they're taking a 10 minute break and you sneak yuta out back of the warehouse where theres no people

you're like "yo you're probably feeling insecure bc u think i would've dated your other members if you didn't ask first aren't you"

he's just silent and looking at u

you're like "well i wouldn't have dated your other members anyway i always had a special thing for you bc you're an amazing guy and the only one who can make my heart go like 💖💟💗💕💘💓💕💞💜💞💕 this and i only love you"

yuta grins and goes "you love me?"

you're like "i said all that and thats all you got from it?"

he's like "thats the only thing that really matters"

then he pulls you into a really tight hug 

like he's literally squeezing your soul out

then he whispers "i love you too by the way"

and you're like UGHHHDHDHH I LOVE ONE PRECIOUS BOY

and you pull him into a kiss

its cute bitch listen he smiles into the kiss isnt that fucking cute 

then when you pull away you see something in your peripheral vision 

you both turn to see the members staring at yall in shock

they're faces are literally like :O

then doyoungs like "did i just watch a scene from a fucking drama or was that real life"

donghyucks like "HYUNG YOU'RE DATING Y/N??!?!??!!!!!?"

and while they're all in shock their manager follows and goes like "you two. we need to talk"

you're like "aw crap we're so screwed"

so yeah the manager talks about how your relationship is gonna have to be lowkey. like really lowkey. and you both agree bc its better than being split up RIGHT

so after that scary talk yuta's like "that was unexpected"

you're like "that was really unexpected. and its only 2 pm."

then yuta's like "true. so can i get a kiss again"

you're like "fuck off" but you pull him closer anyway and as you're leaning in THE MEMBERS COME IN

THEY JUST COME IN AT THE WRONG TIMES

taeyongs like "are we interrupting something"

jaehyuns like "oh damn i remember i asked you out once y/n im so sorry"

johnny's like "I ASKED YOU OUT THIS MORNING"

and the members are laughing at this and so is yuta

you're like "its okay really johnny"

he's like "NO ITS NOT I EVEN ASKED YUTA FOR HIS OPINION"

AND THE MEMBERS ARE CRACKING TF UP

"AND YOU SAID I DIDNT KNOW WHOEVER YOUR BF WAS. HE WAS SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO US"

and everyones just laughing while you're reassuring johnny that it isnt a big deal

yuta puts his arm around you and he's like "well atleast you guys know now. keep your hands off my lady."

and donghyucks like "thats so gross and cheesy get out"

you're getting shy so yuta pinches your cheek using the hand thats resting on your shoulder

everyone cringes on the outside but they actually find it REALLY cute

so everyone goes back to minding their own business

then yuta whispers "so how about a date after filming? or do you actually have plans?"

you grin and go like "only with you" :)

the end

[vuisburning]

part two

jords walk over to rec an he see plough outside the door an he like wassup plough why you outside an plough like intuitive kicked me out nigga so jords like its a party at x tonight orb prolly want you there so he give her a invitation then knock on the door to rec an snake open it an jords like wassup snake its a party at x tonight you an intuitive come chill an he give him the invitation then he walk to unwind an knock an hourglass open the door like nigga what you want so jords like its a party at but hourglass slam the door in his face before he can finish so he go back to x an orb like did you give rec and unwind the invitations an jords like yea nigga but unwind not coming an I invited plough so orb start sweatin an he like nigga you tryin to get me caught up now I gta uninvited cuckt so he call cuckt like wassup cuckt the party canceled an just hang up before she can ask questions then entitle like its almost 12 so vro knock on chapo door like nigga end your back massage its almost 12 then its a knock an its intuitive plough snake alchemy permit gulp nmad celebro assign eater alliegant aldi uckers so everybody lit an partyin an shit an then orb like everybody from x gather around in the meeting room except chapo so chapo like nigga why not me an orb like we need you to host the party while we meet up so chapo like ight so in the meetin room orb like yall niggas remember the plan an jailbait like yea we killin them niggas one by one an orb like ilyt you kill snake an jords you take assign eater intuitive for a ride and kill them niggas an vro glovember yall got the poison mints flirt with nmad celebro alliegant uckers kiss them an pass the mint from your mouth to theirs to kill them an pauia you use the mint on aldi so they all like cool an gleams an jailbait like wait nigga what do we do an orb like you find a way to kill alchemy an gulp ill take care of plough after I give her a back massage so they all go back to the party orb take plough into the bedroom an ilyt walk up to snake an she like wassup snake you want a back massage an snake like how old are you so she start sweatin an she lie and say 17 so snake like cool so they go in the room and she start kissin him then pull out a knife an stab that nigga then she drags his body to the basement then jords walk up to assign eater an intuitive an he like wassup yall want to go pick up more grass an liquor an intuitive like nah nigga I’m too sad I’m just gon stay in the corner an think about blankets an assign like nah I’m keepin a eye on alliegant an eater like nah I’m tryin to get a back massage from gleams so jords start lookin sad an shit so they feel bad an agree to go with him so they all in the car ridin an assign like nigga why we in a field so jords nervous laughs an is like the dealer gon meet us here so he park an they all get out an start chillin and talkin so jords sneak around to the trunk and get his gun an shoot intuitive then assign so eater like nigg wyd an start runnin fast as fuck but jords shoot him before he gets too far then jords get back in the car and start drivin back to x but he pull over to cry cus he feelin sad about shooting eater assign an intuitive 

[yahoocansuckmyass]

**disclaimer: if you know me in real life, if you have anything to say, just message me on Facebook or whatever, I’m not in danger of myself, just venting about everything in my life at the moment**

only posting bc there’s really no where else for me to vent about anything

i feel so empty, especially the last few days everything feels so bleak and im unable to generate any emotion other than indifference and sadness. i know it will pass and im trying to take care of myself. going to yoga, eating well and shit like that but i don’t have any motivation. jus feels like im outside of my actual body, watching myself do these things without any feeling of accomplishment or enjoyment after.

and my friends feel so far away, maybe im dissociating? i don’t feel like i can open up to anyone without a shitty response from them. best friend has always come to me in times of need but when I come to them it’s like they’re not even listening or really even grasp that im hurting my boyfriend tells me “think about something else” as if i haven’t gone through years of trying that, im not able to change like that my thoughts flip on a dime and when they do I have 2+ other voices yelling at the only part of me trying to help it feels like a minefield. i try to think that im okay and that I can do this but they teller the sound of my breathing is too loud and i get so uncomfortable in my body that i can’t fucking move. it makes me want to tear out my hair and scratch my skin off. (I’ve been self harm free for almost 2 years and these episodes get really hard to handle but at least i haven’t hurt myself other than biting my lip a bit too much on occasion)

and group therapy now costs too much and I can’t even stop by for an hour.

work doesn’t seem to value me either, i have hardly any hours and in turn no money. I’ve hardly eaten anything in the past few days.

it’s so strange being stuck in this place where im taking care of myself and doing the things i need to and still being so detached and unmotivated. it hasn’t been like this in a long time. everything feels off.

not to mention my home life is just me waking up and already being yelled at for something I don’t even know about, it’s like I could open my eyes the wrong way and get scolded for it. she asks me if im okay and I try to say what’s wrong and she reverts back to “but im hurting too” why even bother asking me if you’re going to just talk about yourself

im never being taken seriously. the only time that i think even my group therapy took me seriously is when i sliced up my arm I remember they were talking about a girl and how “brave she was for being able to show her cuts in the open and talk about them to the group” meanwhile when I talked about my cuts but never showed them, I was almost brushed off. I had cuts that I could fit my fucking hand into, and they didn’t. Even. Believe me.

now I know this post is long and jumpy and inconsistent, and I don’t really care if anyone reads it, but if you do, I’m sorry for the jumping around. I haven’t been able to talk about anything to anyone in a long time. at least not really, not without the making it a competition and telling me it could be worse or saying some people have REAL problems as if my brain doesn’t tell me to drive off the road or cut a vein and bleed out or drown myself in the lake out back.

though I don’t harm myself, though I can keep it together and appear so happy and fine, I still think of suicide every day and it hurts to think about all of the people I’d destroy. and as reassurance, no i won’t kill myself. im not going to let my progress end like that, i know I have good things in my life, im just going through a hard time. high functioning mental illness is something else man.

the past few days have left me so out of it especially. they’ve been the worst. Saturday was a decent day up until my mom left to go out for the night. I was left alone with my thoughts, and then those thoughts blurred out into nothing. just alone. no energy. no motivation. no one to talk to. just emptiness. I walked from room to room without a sound, just to lay down and stare at a wall or ceiling for an hour at a time. I didn’t eat, didn’t sleep. just was there. finally i got up and just fucking bawled my eyes out, thoughts of suicide and self harm bombarded me, I felt so fucking depressed it was like a tidal wave was trying to drown any ounce of sanity i had left. some scars I had forgotten about found their way back to the surface of my neck and boy for some reason that fucked me up, i forgot I even cut my neck, it brought back that sharp hot pain and all the sensations that run through your body. it was terrible, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. and finally I reached out to my cousin, though she had plans, she offered to come get me and hang out at my place with her friend and boyfriend and thank fucking god i did, I would’ve been a mess if she hadn’t. im glad I didn’t try to cancel on her either. my boyfriend was supposed to stay over but ended up cancelling that night too. and he was supposed to come over today. slept through us hanging out. people tend to treat my schedule as if it’s something they can erase and write in a later time or date with no consequences. and gaslight me for being upset about it. All I ever ask for is communication, that’s it. Talk to me, I won’t be upset, but if you lie to me, that’s a slap in the face. I don’t understand how I can literally tell you “it’s fine if you don’t want to hang out or talk, but you need to let me know asap so I can adjust my plans” and you still lie to my face or just disregard me completely. I’ve had people tell me 10 minutes before I’m supposed to get them “nah sorry fam” and that’s it. Only to find out they made better plans and are posting about it all over the place.

it’s fucking shitty. everything has been shitty. I can’t afford food or anything for that matter, my friends aren’t really even there, my boyfriends always busy doing whatever he does, my mom doesn’t listen to a damn word I have to say, my work doesn’t feel like home anymore (I used to LOVE going to work and getting to make people feel beautiful and talk about new shit and now it feels like a chore, I’m not treated like a valued employee anymore rather than disposable).

all i can do is continue to exist in this cycle of high function dissociation.

next topic on miahs 5 years of nothing talked about post: self love vs self hatred

as i said before, im actually taking care of myself. I’ve had hip bursitis for years now that has turned me into a borderline cripple with excruciating pain at almost all times of the day, and this is another thing that people don’t take seriously. my mom calls me a hypochondriac and that it’s not that bad, everyone just…dismisses it i guess? regardless, this is a thing that’s impaired me during my daily life and it’s only added on to the various health issues that make it hard to feel healthy and love my body.

I’ve always been critical of myself, specifically my appearance. I’ve made lists of things I hate about myself. I’ve had people contribute to this, but it’s not anyone’s fault that I did the things I did to myself except my own. 3 years ago I graduated high school at my highest weight and met a person who would end up being my inspiration to losing weight the wrong ways. we were both entirely toxic to each other and I ended up using laxatives and throwing up, and not eating and working out excessively to lose 70lbs in less than 6 months. the only problem is that I didn’t see a change in my weight, i felt like I was just as fat, just as disgusting as when I started. it was obsessive for me to lose weight. and everyone congratulated me on the success I’ve had. until cosmetology school where I ended up gaining all of it back due to lack of time for exercise and heavy depression and my hip problems. (also congrats if you’re still reading this, im not entirely sure when ill stop writing) i felt like I failed myself, and every time I tried to adjust my diet I’d just end up not eating and it scared me, I didn’t want to be back to that place. I didn’t want to feel like that again. (Today, I’m actually doing well with my diet and sticking to it in baby steps so I don’t overwhelm myself) granted I still feel guilty every time a crumb of food enters my mouth, I have this weird paranoia that everyone is watching when I eat and that all they think is that I’m fat and of course I’d be eating now. and that’s why I can’t be the only one who eats when I’m with friends, everyone needs to eat so I don’t feel so disgusting I guess?

the few months after I stopped cutting and shit were hard but i was in a pretty good mind set, I think January 2016 was the best I’ve ever been, but as expected it didn’t last. and don’t get me wrong, i cherish the fuck out of the good times I have in my life, I’m not some dick that dismisses all of the good things and just says im a basket case with no hope or friends. I love the people in my life with all of my heart, and I love the good times we have and the good things that happen. but I’ve never been able to discuss and move past all of the bad things. it seems like I’m being told to just push it back farther and farther because they don’t want to have to deal with it right now. and i could be wrong, and for some of those people I am wrong. but again, their responses to whenever I do open up are disheartening, and some don’t mean to come off that way but it persists. which makes me question why do I even bother. see, this a good platform for me to vent because it’s just that, I don’t need anyone to reply and say sorry or tell me I’m wrong, it’s just here and I got it out. that’s all I’ve been trying to do.

I’ve really never wanted any advice, i know what I need to do and what’s right and what’s wrong, its an ongoing battle for me, and I just needed someone to listen. and that never happened, there was always competitive comparisons, always criticism, always gaslighting, always dismissive. And maybe it’s because when I actually try to TALK, I freeze up and can’t say what I need to in the right way. but still! More than half the time I open up, I just get more reasons to shut back down. back to self love and shit (sorry), I’m trying to love myself despite what it sounds like. just because a big part of me only holds dislike for myself, doesn’t mean there isn’t a part that just wants to love. it’s just been years of these expectations and standards forced down my throat to the point where quite honestly, I’m fucking confused I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t

I’m not gonna get into relationships for the soul fact that I could go on for days about them and this is post is way longer than I anticipated already SO. That’ll be another day (probably tonight since I’m to the point of just not giving a fuck and dishing out every emotion I’ve felt in the last 5 years)

and again back to self love, lately, i don’t weigh myself because I know that if I do, I’ll get depressed and obsessive again and I really can’t deal with it now. I hate my stomach first and foremost. that’s literally the main thing that I just want to cut off my fucking body. i half the time can’t even look at myself because I’ll just get stuck in one of those fuck you miah states. and to address something real *quick*, I don’t need the, “well stop complaining and do something about it” BITCH I AM. I am actually doing everything for it!! but my shitty brain doesn’t let me see progress, for all i know I could have lost 30 lbs and still think I look exactly the same (and part of the reason why I chose yoga was because it all stems from your core so it’s always engaged…and it’s hot yoga so I sweat out at least a pound every time I go, and I went every day last week) i dunno why I can never see positive changes, but when I lost all that weight back in 2014, I didn’t even go down a bra size, let alone pant size and that really fucked me up. It was weird having people compliment me and say how good i looked but still felt the same size. I don’t get it, I could see the numbers go down but my eyes never saw a damn change on myself. Imagine losing 100lbs and still being the same pant size. And I did think we’ll maybe it’s because I still hated myself and was losing weight in an u healthy way but even now with me doin all these great things for my body, I see no change at all. I jus wanna be healthy now, not skinny.

^^talking about my body is my least favorite thing to do so if you have anything to say about it please just don’t, I’m jus here to get this shit off my chest.

I think im just about done, currently brainstorming to see if I missed anything or if I want to touch back on certain things. All that’s left I think is relationships?? So maybe I will write a bit about it? ….I wrote about it then deleted all of it because without going into brutal detail there’s no reason for it to be shoved into this.

I’m pretty sure I’m finished, I may or may not ever check back in here to update or whatever. I guess we’ll see.

If you made it to the end, congrats you spent 15 to 25 minutes reading an absolute mess of a post. Hopefully you could keep up with all my jumping around.