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xialing-gf · 6 years ago

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she (mj x reader)

7th installment in my songfic series

Summary (based on the song She by dodie): falling in love with your best friend, mj, was a wild, but beautiful journey

Wc: 2201

Tw: questioning of sexuality, coming out to not really accepting parents

Playlist (Listen to while reading this fic!):

❀she by dodie

❀growing pains by coin

❀bad ideas by tessa violet

❀smithereens by twenty one pilots

❀focus by allie x

“I am so glad to be here today. I never thought I would ever be standing here. If you told me I was going to be giving a speech at a Pride Parade as the representative of my high school’s GSA club five years ago, I wouldn’t have believed you. I’m so grateful for everything that has helped me turn into the person I am today. I’m so glad to have been through this journey, despite its low moments and confusing aspects. But if I hadn’t ever questioned who I was, I might’ve never ended up with the love of my life, who in fact, is standing right in front of me right now,” The pride sticker Michelle stuck on your face shifted as you smiled, gesturing to your girlfriend who was standing at the front of the crowd.

MJ waved, blushing a faint, cherry cola red color spreading across her cheeks as everybody clapped and cheered. Your hands were shaking under the podium out of fear but you kept your voice strong and steady as you conveyed your speech to the crowd. You never imagined this moment happening and was still to try to comprehend the importance and full scale of this event that you were speaking at.

“So many of you here today have found yourself or are in the process of finding yourself. If you haven’t found yourself yet, that’s completely okay. Today, I’m going to be sharing my journey with you to let you how rocky the road truly is. The struggle LGBT+ people go through on a daily basis is never explicitly discussed so I hope after I share my story with you, more people will come forward and share their stories of love, heartbreak, struggle, pain, and discovery,” Your smile grew wider as your statement earned a smatter of applause. As you gazed into the audience, you looked into people’s eyes, emotionally bonding with them through an unspoken, shared struggle. “It all began when…”

“... can we go to the park again? Mom, we’re done with the coloring pages the teachers gave to us,” You glanced hopefully up at your mom with Michelle, who was flashing puppy eyes by your side, and crossed your fingers behind your back, hoping for her to say yes. Your mother seemed reluctant and a little apprehensive of your request, but after a thought or two, she gave in.

“Alright, you two can go to the park. Come back before dinner!” Your mother called after you and MJ as you both took off the moment you heard the word “alright”. You and MJ loved going to a local park and creating flower crowns and all your kindergarten classmates envied the flower petals stuck in MJ’s hair and the twigs tangled in yours. Everybody, even those with best friends, envied your bond with MJ.

After finishing homework at your house or MJ’s, you and Michelle usually went to the park and in addition to braiding flowers into each other’s hair and making flower crowns, you both explored the playground, swung on swings, and played hide-and-seek. Sometimes, Michelle climbed up the large willow tree that moped on the vibrant green field nearby and encourage you to join her up in the branches and leaves. You attempted to climb up the tree a couple times but always chickened out.

As time passed, you and Michelle grew older and suddenly, the playground was too small for the both of you. In 2nd grade, you both were already making plans to explore the entire world, vowing to one day leave New York and travel to Australia, Europe, Africa, and every other possible place. By 3rd grade, you both created and wore friendship rings on your thumbs that later barely fit on your pinkie.

5th grade was when you and Michelle began to have sleepovers every Saturday night and continued this tradition even until now. At first, sleepovers were like any other play date but extended throughout the night. You would play many card and board games (except for monopoly; you and Michelle decided it was a game for boring adults) and as you grew older, it became video games like Just Dance and Wii Sports.

In 7th grade, you and Michelle stopped playing games during these sleepovers and began to talk about life and the absurdity of society. Sleepovers were almost like a what’s-wrong-with-society-and-how-we-can-fix-it club as your love for activism was rooted in your discussions with Michelle. One day, you brought up the topic of the LGBT+ community that twisted your perspective on life in a different direction.

“So, what are your thoughts on the LGBT community?” You asked, staring up at the ceiling as you lay next to her in your sleeping bag. Crickets chirped outside Michelle’s window as a momentary silence fell over the both of you after you asked.

“Well, I’m… actually part of the community,” Michelle slowly answered, an unfamiliar tone coating her words. During all of the years you knew Michelle, you never had heard her use such an uncertain tone. She was always confident, slightly aggressive, and unapologetically herself. But the tone she used when stating she was part of the LGBT community made her sound fragile and cautious.

“Oh, okay,” You nodded slowly, hoping to express that you weren’t that shocked when in reality, you were very surprised Michelle wasn’t heterosexual. But then again, Michelle was unbelievably talented at keeping secrets. “I’m lesbian. By the way,” Michelle reluctantly added, hoping that it would clear up her previous, vague statement a bit more. You offered a small smile and nodded again, remembering the article you read about how to react if somebody came out to you. It wasn’t like you weren’t used to people who were part of the LGBT+ community-there were a couple bisexual and gay people in your grade-but it was sort of shocking realizing the person you thought you knew the most had kept something from you for a long time.

The peaceful silence turned into an uncomfortable one and Michelle awkwardly asked, “You don’t mind, do you? Me being a lesbian isn’t going to ruin our friendship, right? Are we going to stop having sleepovers?”

“No, of course not! Just because you’re lesbian, it doesn’t change anything between us. You’re still the same old Michelle,” You reassured Michelle quickly, hoping that she didn’t get a wrong impression of your feelings by the silence. It was a lot to process, and there was a nagging thought at the back of your mind that resurfaced during this conversation.

“Oh, good. Well, let’s call it a night. I’m kind of tired,” Michelle announced, rolling over in her bed and pulling her blankets up to her shoulders. “Night.”

“Night,” You mumbled back as you nestled yourself in your sleeping bag, trying to not think too much about the conversation. Eventually, you managed to fall asleep, but when you woke up, you realized what had been bothering you. You never entertained the idea that you liked girls but when Michelle admitted she did, for some reason, it seemed to open up new doors and for the first time in your life, you started wondering if you weren’t straight.

Throughout eighth grade, you constantly suffered through an inner turmoil of questioning your sexuality. You had always thought girls were extremely pretty but never had the guts to admit it. Ever since a young age, heterosexuality was established as a norm. You never really considered any of your affections for girls until now. Now that you knew a label for these different kinds of feelings for people, you began to question everything you learned from a young age.

Michelle has a suspicion that was something was on your mind and asked you almost constantly why you were zoning out or what you were thinking about, but you always brushed it off with a simple “I’m tired, that’s all”. You didn’t want to talk about your feelings and thoughts because you were afraid that if you said what was on your mind aloud, it would make all your thoughts true.

Soon, you couldn’t hold it in any longer and one day, you looked at yourself in the mirror, took a deep breath in and admitted out loud, “I think I might not be straight.”

The shattering, screaming silence after your words was deafening, and you realized that now that you admitted it out loud, your life made sense. You still had no idea what label to put on yourself and it took months for you to finally match your feelings to a name: bisexual.

You worked up the nerve to tell Michelle when you two were eating lunch under the cool shade of a giant tree. You had put down your sandwich and cleared your throat before you spoke, “MJ, I have something to tell you.”

“Hm?” Michelle looked up from her lunch, her eyes widening with curiosity. One of her curls fell across her forehead and she brushed it aside, leaning a bit more forward to give you her undivided attention.

“I just wanted to let you know that I’m bisexual. I’ve been thinking about it a lot,” You tried not to rush your words like you did when you were nervous. Surprisingly, Michelle didn’t really react all that much; she simply nodded her head and replied, “Cool. Thanks for telling me.”

After Michelle’s reaction, your unreasonable worries that she wouldn’t accept you faded away. Nothing changed between you two and in fact, your confession had brought you closer together.

High school started and you were faced with an array of new variables to deal with including an increase in homework assignments and tests. Additionally, you and Michelle welcomed Peter Parker and Ned Leeds into your friend group. There was also a Gay-Straight Alliance club that you and Michelle were debating on joining.

Freshmen year was mostly a year if you trying to figure out how high school worked. Sophomore year was when you worked on your personal life. You came out to your parents and since they were traditional-type parents, they had a hard time understanding what “bisexual” meant. They weren’t a hundred percent supportive and implied that they didn’t really accept you yet based on their limited knowledge of the term, but they hadn’t really gotten mad at you so you took that as a positive sign.

Another change in your life was that you and Michelle decided to join the GSA. You both began helping out with raising awareness and advocating for equality for people of all genders, sexualities, and races in school by making posters and volunteering at fundraising events.

You also began studying with Michelle after school at the library and you would often get distracted and start writing notes in the corner of Michelle’s notebook. She would reply to those notes and you would have full on conversations with her through writing. One day, when you both were stringing together a silly story through a jumble of words, you glanced at Michelle and realized how beautiful she looked with her curls spilling across her forehead and a smile illuminated by the sunlight. Suddenly, you realized that you were crushing on your best friend.

Junior year was the year you worked up the courage to ask Michelle out. Peter and Ned had been pressuring you to ask Michelle out to a school dance ever since you admitted you had a crush on her. After you and Michelle watched a movie together (as friends), you drove her home and while you walked her to the door, you asked, “Hey MJ, you know how prom is in a month, right? Well, I was wondering if you wanted to go with me to prom as a date.”

“I’d be delighted,” Michelle smiled, blushing in the dim shine of the house’s porch light. Once she went into her house, you held your triumphant excitement until you got into your car.

Prom was better than you had ever imagined. You and Michelle danced together during the slow dance but when the DJ began playing “hype songs”, you both left prom to get sushi. You and Michelle never really officially determined when you started dating. Sometime after prom, you and Michelle began calling hanging out dates and holding hands in hallways. Kissing and cuddling were saved for when you both had time alone.

Senior year was the year when you were elected as representative of the GSA, meaning that you would represent your school’s GSA at public events. Michelle was elected as the president, which didn’t come as a surprise since she actively participated in the club the most. And now…

“... I’m standing here in front of all of you, hoping that my story has reminded you all of how hard the journey of finding yourself is,” You spoke into the microphone, standing up straighter and looking into people’s eyes.

“The world is a complicated place and one day, if this day hasn’t come to you already, you will find who you are and who you love. Thank you for listening.”

The crowd cheered and clapped, but the only person you were paying attention to was the love of your life, Michelle Jones.

go to my marvel page on my tumblr for more marvel fics!

search the tag #sam’s songfic series for more songfics in this series!

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obsessive-fics · 6 years ago

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you’re gonna be my wound-chapter five

Title: Turn it Off

Word Count: 1.8k

Rating: T

A/N: Thank you as always to @yourfriendlyblogstalker for beta reading. And to @megiaolf for letting me endlessly complain about writing to her

[Read on Ao3]

[Masterlist]

[Previous Chapter]

Ms.Jay was absolutely beside herself with joy- or at least, Phil hoped it was joy. She’d literally jumped out of her seat the minute he and Dan had finished reading for the the “Touch Me” scene.

“Was that okay?” Dan asked from next to him.

“Okay? That was amazing! Your chemistry is palpable, it really brings another layer to the relationship between your characters. Keep it up!” Ms. Jay told them excitedly.

“Oh… thank you,” Phil said, shifting uncomfortably.

“Anytime. Okay, since this scene is going so well, I think we should do the song next, and then try the whole scene. All actors on deck please,” Ms.Jay said, turning to where the rest of the cast was sitting in the audience. Everyone stood up, and climbed onto the stage, and Ms.Jay set about positioning them.

“Okay, Melchior and Moritz, I need you at center stage,” she started, and for a moment, Phil stood frozen, before Dan rolled his eyes and tugged him by his sleeve to center stage.

“Ernst, I need you at stage left, and I need Georg and stage right,” she continued and Tom and PJ followed her direction to the opposite sides of the stage.

“Okay, now I think I want the rest of you, at least for now to kind of sit down on the edge of the stage. We’ll do entrances and exits after the choreography, but this is where you should all be for most of this number. Alright, now here’s how I want this to start…”

Ms.Jay climbed up on stage and stood in the middle of them.

“I want each of you to sing your first lines out to the audience, then while Tom is singing the first chorus, Dan, I want you to come behind Phil, and guide his hands, um... Accordingly. Tastefully though, you know what I mean?” she asked looking between the two of them.

Phil nodded quickly, resolutely not looking at Dan- if he thought singing this song was bad, this choreography was going to be much, much worse. Ms.Jay didn’t seem to notice though, too busy explaining to the rest of the cast what they were doing during the song. Once everyone recited back to her what they were meant to do and when, Ms.Jay nodded, satisfied.

“I’m so excited! Okay, from the top!”

Dan stepped forward, fully in character, and started to sing. He was still an arrogant jerk, but Phil couldn’t help but be impressed by how easily Dan fell into his role. Phil always had to work really hard to become Moritz, to channel his nervous energy into Moritz’s jumpy anxiety, but not Dan. He just… became Melchior, effortlessly. Phil couldn’t help but envy him in that. He dimly realized he’d been staring, and turned back to the audience to sing his verse, remembering to do it in character this time.

It was all going so well, he almost forgot about what had been choreographed for the chorus until he felt Dan behind him. He watched their hands moving, too shocked to do anything but go with it, and hope he wasn’t breaking character. Dan smelled like all uni students did-like coffee and ink, but there was something else underneath, something sweet like cinnamon, and he was so incredibly, ridiculously warm, Phil’s head tilted back without his permission, and he almost missed his line.

“Still, you must admit… with all the differing geni.. Geni..” he started, looking down slightly. Dan- well, Melchior- stepped next to him and smiled at him fondly.

“Genitalia,” he corrected gently.

“Genitalia,” Phil repeated, nodding quickly, “It truly is daunting how everything might…”

“Measure up?” Dan asked, smirking at him, “Fit?”

Phil made sure to look as stricken as possible, fidgeting and looking away.

“Not that I’m saying I myself have ever… Not that I’m saying I would want… Would ever want to not… Would ever not want,” he rambled nervously, wringing his hands.

“Moritz?” Dan asked concerned, reaching out for him.

“I have to go!” Phil blurted out, thanking whoever was out there that it was in the script for him to run offstage. He stood in the wings trying to collect himself. He didn’t know what was coming over him, why he’d been about ready to melt on stage just now.

He supposed it was possible it was the character he was reacting to, not the person- it would make sense that him as Moritz would fall for Melchior. Moritz was anxious, insecure, unsure, and Melchior was intelligent, passionate, everything he wanted to be. So yeah, that was it. Moritz liked Melchior, he was his best friend, and he admired him, and that had absolutely nothing to do with the way Phil felt about Dan.

He nodded to himself, satisfied, just as the music cued him to back on stage. He walked to where Dan was waiting for him center stage, and they started to sing, getting close and closer with each line.

Touch me, all silent

Tell me, please, all is forgiven

Consume my wine

Consume my mind

I’ll tell you how, how the winds sigh

They finished out the song with the rest of the cast, PJ doing an amazing job with all of Georg’s runs, and they all sang the last line, standing in a straight line across the front of the stage.

“I’ve got chills! That was amazing, you guys, especially for a first run through,” Ms.Jay squealed when they were finished. Phil couldn’t help but bristle with pride a little bit at that. He liked knowing that he contributed to such a positive emotional response.

They ran the entire scene again, with the dialogue transitioning into the song, and then another few times until they got through it without anyone missing their cue or getting their lines mixed up.

“Okay, I think we’re good for that scene. Now, can I have the girls? I want you all to try reading Act I, Scene 7, the scene leading up to “The Dark I Know Well,” Ms.Jay instructed. The girls got into position on stage, and the guys went to sit in the audience to watch them rehearse.

“Not bad,” Dan told him, looking intently down at the floor.

“Thanks. Uh.. You too,” Phil answered, and Dan nodded, and went to go sit in the back of the audience. Whenever he wasn’t on stage or talking to Louise, Dan always seemed to be in the back of the auditorium on his laptop. Phil didn’t quite understand it, or why he’d noticed in the first place. He shook his head of the thought, and sat down next to PJ.

“I can’t ever do that scene again,” he groaned, sinking down into his seat.

“I know, I may have gotten a little too into it at the end there- I hope I don’t lose my voice,” PJ replied, flipping through his script.

“That’s not what I mean, I just…” he trailed off, shaking his head. He didn’t even know what he was trying to say anymore.

“Finally realized you have a thing for Dan then?” PJ asked, without even looking up.

“What? No!” Phil answered so loudly, he caused the actress playing Martha, a really nice third year named Michelle to break in the middle of her line.

“I know Martha's situation is upsetting, but let’s keep our emotional responses silent, okay?” Ms.Jay asked, giving him a look.

“Yes, Ms.Jay,” Phil replied guiltily, before hitting PJ on the shoulder for laughing at him. “I do not have a thing! I think my character might, but that’s completely different.”

“You think your character has a thing for Dan?” PJ asked, slowly, giving him a confused look.

“Not for Dan! For Melchior,” Phil clarified, and PJ just looked at him for a moment, like he was debating saying something.

“Whatever helps you sleep at night, mate,” he said, finally.

“I hate you,” Phil muttered, crossing his arms.

“Love you too,” PJ called back sweetly, and they watched the girls read through the rest of the scene.

It was already pretty good, all the girls knowing exactly when to take the scene from playful and innocent, to something much darker. And Louise was playing up Wendla’s naivety and curiosity perfectly. They read through the scene a few more times before Ms.Jay called it.

“Good job girls! We’ll take five, run ‘My Junk,’ just to make sure no one’s forgotten anything, and then I’ll let you go,” she told everyone, and the girls jumped down from the stage.

“Hey, you’re Moritz, right?” one of the girls asked walking up to him.

“On stage, yeah,” Phil replied, confused. Was it an actor thing he didn’t know about to call each other by character names.

“Sorry, I just meant… I’m Ilse- on stage. In life I’m Dodie,” she explained, holding out her hand.

“Phil,” he replied shaking it.

“Cool. I thought we should at least kind of know each other. We have that big scene in Act II, before you, you know...” Dodie trailed off, mimicking holding a gun to her face.

“Oh yeah! Well, let me know if you ever want to rehearse that scene, that song is one of my favorite in the whole show,” Phil told her. He was really excited to get started on “Don’t Do Sadness/Blue Wind.” It was such a huge character moment for Moritz, and that scene was the scene that made him feel like there was a place for him onstage, in this production. So the sooner he got to work on it, the better

“Mine too! Especially because Ilse doesn’t get to do much the rest of the show,” Dodie replied with a shrug.

“She makes an impact though,” Phil replied. Ilse’s songs were two of the most powerful moments in the entire show, and he didn’t want Dodie to feel like she was missing out because she wasn’t in more scenes.

“She does, doesn’t she? Well, I’m gonna go get water. See you around!” Dodie called, heading for the water fountain.

The rest of rehearsal went by so well, Ms.Jay let them go after only running ‘My Junk’ twice, and Phil completely forgot all of his complicated Dan/Melchior feelings, letting himself get swept up in the music instead, and he was still singing the lyrics to himself when they got back to their flat.

“Hey, Peej?” Phil said when they were leaning against the kitchen counter, passing a cereal box back and forth.

“Yeah?” PJ asked, despite having an entire mouthful of cereal.

“Thanks for signing us up for this,” he said, fully expecting PJ to laugh and say some variation of “told you so,” but PJ just grinned and clapped him on the shoulder.

“Of course. It’s our last year, better make it good right?”

Phil couldn’t argue with that, so he just grabbed another handful of cereal.

“Right.”

#phanfiction #Phanfic #phanfic au #phan au #chapter 5

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chuuseokies-blog · 7 years ago

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My Heart’s On Fire (how about yours?)

Summary: The entire team that works on “Romeo and James”, a retold version of Shakespeare’s masterpiece “Romeo and Juliet” is full of lovely, funny and kind people that Dan actually enjoys spending time with.But evil takes human form in Philip Michael Lester, the only person on planet earth that Dan would very gladly gift a one-way ticket to Mars, so that he shall never return. (Phil, and Donald Trump perhaps.)

Or: The one where usually, people don’t fall in love with the person that caused their life to fall apart, unless they’re in a cheesy rom-com. Then again, usually people aren’t Dan Howell.

Word Count: 7k

Warnings: internalised biphobia, mentions of cheating, use of the f-word (only once)

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the people mentioned. Any smiliarity to real persons (except the YouTubers) is purely coincidental.

Read it on AO3!

It’s here! My (not very) long awaited PBB fic that I spent months annoying my friends with annd about a year and a half working on (”but Lucie”, I hear you say “how is it only 7k words when you were writing it for that long?” well, I’m very good at keeping things short and compact. Also, depression and graduation and uni.)

And yes, the title is a line from “All Star” by Smash Mouth, I have a problem, sue me.

A massive THANK YOU goes to Vivi for the absolutely amazing and stunning art she did. You can check it out here, but I’ll link to it again at the end so you can avoid spoilers.

Another THANK YOU to Skipper, my amazing beta, support system, one-woman-motivational-team and friend, who did an amazing job picking out all the mistakes I made (a lot) and telling me to get off my arse and write. You’re a true hero.

Shoutout to the granny phannies gc for enduring me being annoying with this fic, you’re all amazing!

For Monica - because god knows, I’ve been spoiling and teasing you enough.

Dan Howell has not signed up for this. Okay, maybe he had signed up for a casting, and he has definitely been happy to actually get the role (honestly, playing Romeo Montague in the actual fucking Globe Theatre was something he had never dreamed could become true), but he has not signed up to having to deal with him.

The entire team that works on “Romeo and James”, a retold version of Shakespeare’s masterpiece “Romeo and Juliet” is full of lovely, funny and kind people that Dan actually enjoys spending time with.

But evil takes human form in Philip Michael Lester, the only person on planet earth that Dan would very gladly gift a one-way ticket to Mars, so that he shall never return. (Phil, and Donald Trump perhaps.)

And if fate hadn’t already fucked with him by having his girlfriend decide to break up with him on the day of his 26th birthday, it is certainly laughing its arse off now, as Phil plays Dan’s counterpart, James Capulet, meaning the two have to act like a goddamn loving couple for extended periods of time- and Dan’s about to lose his mind.

See, Dan doesn’t mindlessly hate Phil, oh no, he actually has a fairly good reason for his vitriolic demeanor, even though Louise doesn’t seem to believe the entire mess is Phil’s mistake. It isn’t exactly like Dan had asked Phil to become inappropriately jealous of the younger one’s success and decide to ruin his entire life based on the director’s choice of cast, leaving Phil to play the- in Dan’s opinion- slightly less important role of Romeo’s lover, despite having auditioned for Romeo as well. Dan just had been better, and Phil is obviously a bitter bastard with too much envy.

Speaking of the devil, the door to Dan’s dressing room opens and the blue-eyed bastard enters, without having made the effort of knocking, which pisses off Dan just a tiny bit more. Not that he’d ever show it, he’s an actor after all.

“Uh, Hazel told me to remind you that we’re starting rehearsals again in ten minutes,” the other man says, and there’s a short silence before Dan harshly nods once, not bothering to look at Phil.

“I know. Close the door behind you.”

Phil simply sighs and leaves again. Needless to say he does not close the door, which makes Dan’s anger rise even more.

He doesn’t know why Hazel has decided to send him, of all people, to get Dan. Everyone working in the theatre knows about their disliking of each other, despite being able to act all lovey-dovey on stage. Dan likes to think that they were both very good actors, being able to pull that off.

With a bitter taste in his mouth, Dan angrily chucks his half-eaten apple into the bin besides his mirror and all but stomps out of the room to get to the rehearsal on time. Bloody Phil, bloody director, bloody three flights of stairs that he has to run down in order to get to the stage.

***

Upon entering the theatre, Dan’s greeted with a picture of pure chaos. Hazel is stood on her director’s chair yelling at the background extras to concentrate and please stop staring at Phil, the main stage light keeps going out, causing the chief light technician to let out an array of curses. It’s honestly a miracle nobody has started crying and/ or set something on fire yet.

“Dan, there you are.” Hazel says, clearly relieved to see him, before switching back to her professional voice: “Okay everyone, let’s go through the first meeting scene again. Ladies, please try to concentrate and not to stare at the actors, thank you. Places please!”

This is easy for Dan. He walks up the stage, to his position and immediately falls into the role of Romeo. The lines fall off his lips as if he actually were at that party, his movements fit those of his counterparts, and all the hate he has for Phil turns into love, the hardness into softness. Their interaction is soft, gentle, warm, nothing like the cold looks they shoot each other off stage.

The scene ends with them standing very close together, chests almost touching, and as soon as Hazel yells “cut!” they take a few steps back, cross their arms and go back to glaring. It’s almost like the temperature has dropped a bit as they listen to their director point out the tiny mistakes they did make, but Dan’s used to that by now. After all, he really hates Phil Lester.

***

At lunch, Dan sits alone, like he usually does. Hazel is talking to Jack, Dodie and Evan are out to grab some Starbucks and even Duncan is gone, probably calling his wife. Dan’s about to bite into his sandwich when he sees someone sitting down across from him. It’s Phil, of course it’s Phil, the universe hates him.

“What, is that table your property now?” Phil asks in response to Dan’s confused yet angry glance. “Everywhere else is full.” He adds and sets his cup of coffee down on the wood.

They eat in silence for a few minutes, and Dan thinks he could cut the tension with a knife if he had one right now. It’s awkward and uncomfortable and Phil is shifting on his chair like a schoolkid that’s scared of being caught without homework.

“You know,” he starts suddenly, causing Dan to look up in surprise. “You did really well, I’ve never seen anyone nail their performance at the first real try.”

Dan lets out a small huff. He really doesn’t like to admit it, but Phil is an incredible actor and this is a huge compliment, coming from him. So, Dan hides the fact he’s actually humbled under twenty layers of narcissism and sarcasm: “I am a professional, after all.”

Phil rolls his eyes in annoyance. “As am I, but you’re still incredibly good.”

“Thanks.” Dan simply mutters and to him, that indicates the end of this conversation.

The following silence is more awkward and tense than the previous one, if possible, and Dan really, really wants to leave. But before he can, Phil gets up.

“I’ll go to my dressing-“ he starts, and that’s when it happens. His elbow hits the half-empty cup of coffee, knocking it over and sending the lukewarm liquid right over Dan’s script.

“What the fuck are you doing?!” Dan yells, jumping up, furiously dabbing at the soaked paper with his bare hands. The script is ruined, he thinks, and then he realises what is going on here.

“You’re trying to sabotage me!” he accuses, looking at Phil with what can only be described as white fury. “This is all just a spiel, complimenting me and then ruining my script on purpose! You’re jealous I got Romeo’s part, that’s why you- you. Ugh!”

Phil, now visibly pissed, interrupts him: “I am perfectly happy with my role, thank you.” He snarls. ”And how often do I need to tell you, what happened that night-“

“Yeah whatever. Fuck you.” Dan cuts him off, not believing he would dare to bring up that night right now, and stomps off, almost steaming.

***

“It’s like his only goal in life is to ruin mine!” Dan exclaims, plopping down on Louise’s couch and angrily hitting his pillow. His makeshift bed isn’t exactly comfortable to sleep on, but he has to make do with what he can get, after what happened. And currently, his best friend’s couch is the only place he can crash.

Louise sits down next time him, hands him a cup of tea and starts patting his back: “Okay love, calm down. I’m sure he didn’t mean to knock that water over and “ruin” your script. Besides, didn’t you say you knew all your lines by heart anyways?”

“All lines, but that’s beside the point. The thing is-“

“No Dan,” Louise interrupts, ”you were wrong to go off on him like that. I’ve met Phil, he’s actually a really nice guy, there’s no way he’s trying to sabotage you.”

Dan lets out an exasperated sigh. “But-“

“No buts, Dan. You’ve overreacted, quite a bit actually.” Louise says again, and now she has that stern look in her eyes, that one only Mums can pull off. Dan hates when she does that to him.

Maybe she is right, he thinks. After all, there’s no reason for Phil to purposefully ruin his script, Jack wouldn’t change his mind about the cast. And it did look like he was trying to apologise before Dan started yelling obscenities at him.

Later that night, when everyone else is asleep, Dan almost seriously considers apologising to Phil the next time he sees him, but then remembers what he did to Dan, how badly Dan had been hurt, and how messed up the whole thing had been.

So no, Dan thinks, Phil Lester doesn’t deserve any kind of apology from him, not after what he’s done to him.

***

The next few days go by uneventfully. Their rehearsals fly by, the whole crew works like a well-lubed machine by now, even the extras have stopped staring at Phil and start doing what they’re supposed to do.

It’s almost a miracle, but everything is so good for once that Dan catches himself laughing at a few jokes Phil makes and starts acting warmer, sometimes even outright friendly, towards his colleague.

Everything seems perfect, for a little while, until that one fateful day at the end of July.

It starts calm and harmless, like any day does. Dan gets up, eats breakfast with Darcy, Liam and Louise, takes his goddaughter to school and goes to work. Nothing seems unusual.

That is, until Dan hears a sharp knock on his dressing room door and gets up to open it, and he almost shuts the door again when he is met with her face.

Her. Laurie. His ex-girlfriend.

“What do you want?” he asks, not even trying to conceal his disgust.

“Why so brisk, love? I found some of your things in my flat, you know, like those childish games you love so much, and I thought I’d give them back to you, because that’s just how nice I am.”

She almost purrs those words, voice sweet as sugar, almost sickening. Dan feels like throwing up into her extensions. Instead, he takes the box, almost rips it out of carefully manicured hands.

There’s a moment of silence, Laurie smirking at him, her eyes wandering up and down his body, almost predatory.

Dan sighs and rolls his eyes. “What more do you-“

“Dan, can I talk to you? I just have a short question about the-oh” Phil’s stood in the doorway. Of course, as if nothing worse could happen, Phil is now in the same room as Dan and his ex. Fuck.

Laurie, upon hearing Phil’s voice, turns around and leans into him, strokes his upper arm as if to feel his biceps.

“I guess I’d better go.” Phil says, but before he can make a single move, Laurie starts talking again, voice thick with fake affection.

“Why go, sweetie? You’re always more than welcome here, right Danny? I’m sure we can make ourselves at home and get real comfortable, what do you say sweet pea?”

She starts circling Phil like a cat, never taking her eyes nor her hands off him, stroking his chest, his back, his shoulders. Dan goes from wanting to throw up to wanting to cry while throwing up. And also murdering someone.

“Laurie. Leave this theatre, now.” He all but growls, feeling the anger rise in his chest, threatening to spill over. Miraculously, Laurie gets the message and turns to the door, but not before giving Phil a wet, obnoxiously loud kiss on the check.

“Call me, handsome.” She winks and with that, she’s gone.

Dan clutches the box and turns around, facing the wall. He can hear Phil coming closer.

“Dan, I am so sor-“

Dan drops the box on his table with a loud bang.

“No, you know what? This is your fault. This is all your fucking fault! If it weren’t for you bloody arsehole, my girlfriend never would have cheated on me! Phil I KNOW you did this on purpose! You fucking arsehole seduced my girlfriend and slept with her and let my sorry ass catch you in the act! Honestly, go fuck yourself!”

Phil, who had looked genuinely concerned, furrows his brows in anger. It’s almost like he grows two feet as he raises his voice and starts screaming at Dan: “I should go fuck myself? If anyone here did anything on purpose, it’s your slut of an ex-girlfriend! She seduced me, Dan! I had no clue she was anyone’s girlfriend, let alone yours, until you barged into the room and started yelling profanities at us! And I tried, I bloody tried to explain myself to you, and to apologise, but you just wouldn’t have it! Your fucking head is way too far up your own bloody arse to even think, for one second, that the world doesn’t revolve around you, damnit! I’m so done with you and your shit!”

With that, Phil turns and runs out of the dressing room, slamming the door behind him. It’s eerily silent for a second, before Dan starts sobbing, sits down on the floor and hugs his knees to his chest.

He feels awful. Not only because after so long, he had to face the woman that ripped his heart out, but also because he fully well knows Phil is right. He knows Laurie had been cheating for the better part of a year before he had caught her in the act, and he understands none of the men she slept with had the slightest idea she had been in a five year relationship.

Dan knows all of this, and feels worse than ever before, as his sobs silence and he stands up with shaking legs to seek out Phil, to finally apologise to him.

***

Dan finds Phil sat on the stage, legs dangling off the edge, arms crossed. He’s shaking as he sits down next to him.

“What?” Phil asks briskly, voice cold and hateful. Dan takes a deep, long breath.

“I wanted to apologise for my behaviour. It was wrong for me to accuse you of doing this whole thing on purpose when I fully well know you hadn’t met her before… that night, but it hurt so bad that I let my anger out on you, and I’m sorry for that. And I’m also sorry for not listening to you when you tried to explain and apologise.”

Phil lets out a surprised huff.

“I guess… I guess I should apologise once more, for what I did and for not understanding why you were so angry at me. I mean, dating someone for what, six years, and catching them in the act with someone else? I’m so incredibly sorry you had to go through that, and even more sorry that I’m indirectly responsible for this.”

Dan nods in understanding. They fall silent, barely daring to breathe. It’s incredibly awkward, almost painful.

Dan sighs quietly.

“So�� ugh this is such a cliché, but can we start over?” he asks quietly, staring at the tips of his shoes.

At that, Phil lets out an actual laugh, a happy one, full of relief. He turns to Dan, looks at him and extends his hand.

“Hey, I’m Phil.” He says, smiling. Dan takes his hand, shakes it, introduces himself with a nervous laugh and lets Phil’s hand go again.

So, there they are, sat next to each other on a stage in an empty theatre, too uncomfortable with the situation to say anything, too nervous to just get up and leave.

Dan mentally scolds himself. How could he think this would all be resolved with one encounter, one small apology? Sure, he realised that the whole incident isn’t Phil’s fault, but their issue, Dan thinks, isn’t over yet. Nobody can go from spitting obscenities at each other to becoming friends within mere minutes, after all.

***

The following rehearsals are awkward, to say the least. Phil seems to think that their talk on the stage a few days ago makes them friends, all of a sudden, but Dan still has to swallow down bile every time he looks at Phil’s lips and remembers the way they had looked sucking on Laurie’s collarbones, has to suppress disgusted gagging whenever Phil’s slender fingers touch him and he imagines the way they made his girlfriend, his one true love, scream in ecstasy. It’s still easier said than done, looking at the man that ripped the floor from under his feet that night and completely ruined him. It’s even harder to act in love around him, trying to push the image of Laurie and Phil together aside, despite said memory being ingrained into his mind forever.

The others notice, of course. Hazel has a stern chat to him about concentrating and getting whatever is bugging him out of his system, even goes as far as threatening to let his understudy take over (PJ, in Dan’s humble opinion, is an amazing actor but doesn’t get Romeo’s character quite as much as Dan himself does). Duncan keeps asking if he’s okay and then offering Dan to come over and distract him with Mario Kart. Evan makes bad puns, as usual.

After a particularly bad rehearsal, Phil pulls Dan aside, a concerned look on his face.

“Are you okay?” he asks and, oddly enough, sounds genuinely worried about Dan’s wellbeing.

And so, because Dan can take only so many messed up or even forgotten lines, he starts explaining. And as he admits how he still can’t get that night out of his head, how badly he’s trying to forget it, the look on Phil’s face changes from concern to understanding.

“I should’ve guessed.” He mutters, when Dan finishes. Then, Phil takes a deep breath.

“When I was in uni, I caught my then-boyfriend in bed with someone else. We broke up immediately, obviously, but the guy he had cheated with and I shared a few classes. Every time I saw him I wanted to punch the living daylights out of him, even though I knew it hadn’t been his fault. Me and my ex had never told anyone we were dating.”

Dan stops properly listening when Phil says the word boyfriend so nonchalantly. Instead, he cocks his head to the side and raises an eyebrow questioningly.

“Boyfriend?” he asks, properly confused. How can Phil have been with a man before but then sleep with a woman?

“Yes, boyfriend.” Phil says, taken aback at Dan’s reaction. “This really isn’t important but I’m bisexual, Dan, I like men and women.”

At that, and he really doesn’t know why, Dan feels his heart skip a beat. He remembers the way Laurie would snarl at two girls kissing in a café back when they were in second year, remembers how she’d always dismiss it as “just a phase” when someone in their course had been dating people of both sexes. Phil’s honesty and openness startles Dan quite a bit.

“Okay, cool, cool cool cool.” Dan stutters, voice hoarse. Why is he so taken aback by this? He’s not a homophobe, for god’s sake!

“Anyways, I get it,” Phil starts, unbeknownst of the thoughts racing through Dan’s head.

“It can’t be easy for you to see me all the time but please, let’s at least try to get to know each other a bit better, maybe even become friends or something; we can’t let this get in the way of our acting. Let’s go for coffee together and chat a bit and then we’ll see, okay?”

Days later, after they’ve somehow gone for coffee twice a day, the image of lips-on-collarbone starts to be replaced by an image of lips-on-cup, lips-around-straw. Dan stops remembering that harrowing night every time he looks at Phil. Instead, he’s reminded of the way his tongue pokes out when he laughs, and how the small lines around his eyes get more prominent every time Phil smiles. Hatred and disgust are slowly being replaced by a feeling of familiarity, joy, and what Dan can only describe as friendship.

Perhaps they’ll be okay in the end, Dan hopes.

***

As it turns out, they are okay, until Dan goes and fucks it up.

Everything goes smoothly until the first rehearsal of that scene, the one scene Dan had guessed from the beginning would give them the most trouble, if for vastly different reasons than they end up being.

It’s the first day of dress rehearsals, the first time everyone is wearing their full costume (until now, most of them had merely worn their characters jacket or hat, or had brought important props with them on stage), and Dan staggers into the theatre, slipping on his lacy, fingerless gloves and glancing downwards to see if the rips in his jeans are still in good placement (they are).He shows up five minutes late as usual.

“Dan!” he’s greeted by a very cheerful Phil, who looks- well- absolutely angelic in his costume.

It’s all held in various shades of blue, contrasting with Dan’s own mainly black dress. Phil’s jeans are embroidered with roses, the chestpiece adorned with silver glistening threads in a fishnet pattern. The jacket he’s wearing almost looks like a gown, with the way the soft, sheer fabric flutters around him.

“Looking good, Lester.” Dan says, clearly astonished. He’s seen all of those pieces before, but never together. It’s odd, really, how clothing that could look so out of place when paired with other things, can look so amazing now.

“Not so bad yourself,” Phil answers, smiling, and tugs at the strings on Dan’s sleeves. “Ready to climb some vines and snog me?” he then adds, wriggling his eyebrows suggestively. Dan snorts.

“You’re too full of yourself,” he grins, and Phil opens his mouth again to answer, but is interrupted by a yelling Hazel.

“Okay everyone, we need full concentration here. This is THE scene, the one scene everyone knows. This has to be spot on, every single time you perform this, okay? Places please!”

The lines come easy to Dan, almost like second nature. He gets into the character, moves swiftly along the stage, climbs the fake vines moving up the balcony with ease. The scene goes amazingly, the chemistry between Dan and Phil on point.

And then, seemingly suddenly, Dan surges up and plants his mouth onto Phil’s- and almost pulls away again.

The moment his lips touch the other man’s, he feels a shiver run down his spine. Phil tastes like mint, tea and something very sweet that Dan can’t quite place. His lips are soft against Dan’s own chapped and bitten ones, moving in synch.

Dan feels something he hasn’t felt in years, something almost like lust and longing. Suddenly, he feels Phil grab him by his collar and pulls him up a bit, almost hungrily.

They kiss with a passion Dan has never felt before, and all he can think is closer and more and yes, never stop.

Too soon there’s a piercing shriek of “James!” coming from the nurse, their cue to break the kiss up, but Dan can’t bring himself to do it. It’s Phil who remembers to pull away, firmly pushing to keep Dan from chasing him. His eyes are wide in shock, glistening with something, his lips wet with spit, bruised, quivering. He stammers out his next line, voice shaking, breathing heavily. Dan answers, barely even remembering his line, mixing up words.

They catch themselves and make it through the rest of the scene, somehow, both furiously blushing, still with shaky hands and shaky voices.

When the scene ends, and before Hazel can lecture them sternly, Dan walks over to Duncan, to bring a distance between himself and Phil. He can’t bear to look at the other man, let alone stand directly next to him. He feels painfully awkward, hunches his shoulders in defence, starts picking at his nails.

What was that? He thinks, What did I do, why did I feel that?

And then, sharp and cold, a single thought burns into his mind:

Did I mess everything up?

***

A few days later, Dan finds himself on Louise’s couch again. She gives him a mug filled to the brim with hot tea and gives him a serious yet worried look.

“We need to talk”, she says, and Dan immediately feels panic rise in his stomach.

“Oh my god what happened? Is the baby alright? Are you alright?” he asks in quick succession and sets a hand on Louise’s belly.

She just smiles gently and bats hits hand away: “Actually, this is about you, not me or the baby.”

She turns to him, that distinct Mum Look on her face that Dan’s only seen when she scolds Darcy.

“Listen, I love you, but you’ve been acting really weird lately,” she starts, softly. “First you’re all angry at this Phil guy, and then suddenly everything is glitter and rainbows, which was good- you deserve happiness! But you’ve been so distant and distracted these past few days, I can’t help but wonder… did something happen?”

Dan can’t bring himself to say anything, can’t bring himself to admitting what happened, refuses to even think about it (although he does, every second of his waking moments, and then dreams about it).

Louise sighs.

“You know, I’m always here for you. If anything happened, you can tell me! We’re friends after all, and-“

“It was the kiss, okay?” Dan bursts out.

At that, Louise merely raises one of her perfectly groomed eyebrows, suspicious.

Dan can hear the desperation in his own voice as he tries to explain himself: “I… I don’t know, I just…we rehearsed this really big kissing scene the other day and I just felt… weird doing it,” he admits, shoulders hunching up with every word he says.

“Disgusted-weird?” Louise inquires, her voice soft and caring. “Did you have a problem with Phil being a guy?”

Dan just shakes his head.

“Maybe you were scared?” Louise suggests and at that, Dan’s heart skips a beat.

He starts to think, starts to remember the last time he’s felt something even remotely close to what he’s felt when his and Phil’s lips locked, and suddenly he has something like an epiphany.

Dan remembers being 20 and seeing this beautiful, stunning girl. He remembers how he’d always try and be close to her, impress her with his intellect, woo her.

Then, he remembers the way he felt when she did finally kiss him, how he’d wanted nothing but her, how his only thoughts had been closer and more and yes, never stop.

He gasps, shocked, his voice shaking and barely audible as he mutters his next words:

“I… I think I might have feelings for Phil.”

***

It takes a while for Dan to fully admit it to himself, but he does have feelings for Phil.

The same Phil that he once hated with everything he had, the same Phil that always pouts and demands an “all or nothing” whenever Dan beats him at Mario Kart.

Phil, who’s a man.

And honestly, that’s the part that freaks him out the most.

Dan’s not homophobic, he really isn’t. He has an array of jobs playing gay men to prove that.

Still, it unsettles him that suddenly, he himself now has feelings for another man. It makes him lay awake at night, legs hanging off Louise’s too short couch, remembering those days in school when people would push him into the lockers, spit at him, call him “faggot” and other, equally bad slurs, all because he had joined the drama club and was unfortunately tall.

Dan is absolutely and utterly torn up about his feelings because ultimately, his bullies were right.

But he’s not gay, is he? After all, he has liked women in the past, loved them even. He’s never felt anything for any other man before that surpassed friendship even in the slightest, and suddenly Phil comes along and makes him question everything? It’s unfair, really.

So, because Dan is Dan, he goes on a Wikipedia Odyssey at three in the morning, and what he finds surprises him.

There’s just so much. Dan knew about homosexuality before, has even heard of bisexuality because Phil mentioned it once. But pansexuality? Demisexuality?? The Kinsey Scale??? Those are all fully new to him.

He takes several online tests about the scale, finds out he’s most likely a 1. “Incidental Homosexual Behaviour”, one website calls it. Dan snorts and calls it “Philsexual”.

He reads article upon article, lands on a YouTube playlist about coming out, reads the synopsis of some ground-breaking anime about ice skating (mentally adds it to his “to watch” list), reads up on Tom Daley and his experiences with being out in the public eye.

There’s so much, and it’s so incredibly interesting, an hour passes like the blink of an eye.

Dan doesn’t sleep that night.

***

The next morning, at rehearsals, Dan is so exhausted and sleep-deprived, he forgets that he’s supposed to feel awkward around Phil and talks to him like normal. Phil seems confused at first, at the sudden reappearance of their friendship, but goes along with it.

It takes four hours, five rehearsals of the ending scene (five times of kissing Phil, who sadly isn’t allowed to show any reaction) and six cups of mediocre coffee for Dan to open his mouth and mess everything up.

Phil’s sat next to him on a bench and does nothing but eat a sandwich, but Dan is completely and utterly mesmerised by him, can’t help but stare at his blue eyes, let his gaze wander along his jawline…

And that’s when it happens.

“Do you maybe want to go out with me?” he blurts out, and upon realising what he just said, immediately clasps a hand over his mouth.

Phil stares at him, eyes wide, mouth slightly ajar, a bit of lettuce on his chin.

“Uh, I mean, uh…” Dan stammers out, when suddenly Phil’s eyes crinkle and his lips form a bright, happy smile.

“You mean as a date?” he asks, and now it’s Dan’s turn to gape at Phil like a fish out of water. He can’t do anything but give a small, weak nod.

“Good”, Phil grins: “I’d really like that.”

***

“Daniel James Howell, if you don’t stop throwing clothes around, I swear to god! You’re worse than Darcy!” Louise scolds, hands on her hips, angrily staring at the mess Dan has made in her living room. Various shirts and button-ups are strewn around the room, a bottle of cologne lying on the carpet, open and slightly leaking. Dan stares at the two pairs of jeans in his hands, a wrinkle between his eyebrows as if deciding which to wear is the hardest task mankind has ever had to face.

“I just don’t know what to wear!” he exclaims, desperate for help and maybe a glass of wine. Or two, really.

“Okay, let me just-“, Louise plucks one pair out of Dan’s grasp, folds it and lays it neatly on the couch. Then, she crouches down and plucks a black button-up out of the mess.

“Here, wear this.” She says, in her no-nonsense mum voice. Dan complies and goes into the bath to change, fix his hair and maybe do something about those damn bags under his eyes.

An hour later, he finds himself waiting outside a small café close to the theatre, nervously stepping from foot to foot. Phil’s late. Like, really late, at least ten minutes late. Without him even being able to do anything about it, Dan’s thoughts start spiralling. What if Phil changed his mind? What if he actually just agreed to go out with Dan as a spur-of-the-moment thing and ultimately doesn’t want to? What if he got run over by a bus or bitten by a goose? What if-

“Dan!” shouts someone, and Dan whirls around to see Phil jogging towards him, wearing a ridiculously shiny silver coat and clutching something that almost looks like flowers.

Before Dan can react, Phil reaches him and pulls him into a short but firm hug.

“These are for you”, he adds, smiling softly, and handing Dan the bouquet of lilies.

Dan feels a blush crawl up his cheeks and ducks his head. “Thank you”, he murmurs, almost inaudible, and smiles at the ground.

When Phil removes his coat inside the café, Dan almost chokes on his own saliva. His shirt is satin black but adorned with a floral pattern, his long legs clad in equally dark skinny jeans. He smiles one of his glowing smiles and puts his coat next to him. In all honesty, Phil looks like sex on legs, and Dan��s heartbeat immediately quickens as he takes a seat across from his date (his date), who’s already scanning the menu. Oh god, Dan thinks, I’m going to hell.

Conversation, Dan’s surprised to find, flows quite easily. They quickly get into their usual banter about the West End, their families (Phil excitedly tells Dan that his brother, Martyn, is planning to propose to his girlfriend, Cornelia), what they did before they landed the roles in Romeo and James.

Now, there’s just the added bonus of coffee, cupcakes being shared between them and the golden October sun illuminating Phil’s eyes though the slightly stained window.

Phil is in the midst of talking about something particularly funny that happened back when he was in Uni, when he suddenly stops in his tracks, leans over the table and glides his thumb along Dan’s upper lip. “Frosting”, he whispers, staring into Dan’s eyes and licks the cream off his own finger. Dan sees his gaze flicker down to his lips again, feels himself leaning in, ready to close the gap and-

“Would you like any more coffee?”

Dan internally groans. Phil, as if awoken from a trance, snaps back and stares at the waitress.

“No, just the bill please”, he says, pupils blown out so wide his blue iris nothing but a small rim. “I’m paying”, he adds, leaving no room for Dan to protest.

He turns back at him and smiles, but the moment, the chemistry and tension from before, is gone.

***

“I’ll walk you home”, Dan says when they’re outside again, about to part ways. “It’s the same direction anyways.” (It’s not. Louise’s flat is on the other side of London- but Phil doesn’t need to know that.)

Phil nods, smiles gratefully and leads the way. Conversation goes as smoothly as before, but Dan can’t help but feel like something’s off.

Deep within his own thoughts, he almost doesn’t realise when Phil stops in front of an apartment building and pulls out a key.

“Uh, I live here,” he says awkwardly. Then, he takes a large breath as if he’s bracing himself for something: “Do you maybe want to come up for a glass of wine or something?”

Oh. Well, that certainly comes as a surprise. Before Dan can think, before he can panic because this is Phil, and Phil is a guy, and there’s so many things that could go wrong just now, he gives a simple, quick nod. Phil exhales, a breath Dan didn’t realise he’d been holding, relieved.

The flat is quite spacious, Dan notes as they enter, and looks around wonderingly. “I do YouTube on the side,” Phil mentions as he sees Dan’s reaction. “It pays okay, I mostly do it for fun though. You’d be quite good at it too, I think,” he adds from another room, and returns with two glasses of wine in his hands.

“Cheers”, he smiles as he hands Dan one, sits down on his couch and pats the space next to him, signalling for Dan to sit down as well.

For quite some time, Dan anxiously awaits some kind of move from Phil’s side, expects the older to lean in or lay an arm around his shoulders or do anything leading up to what Dan knows will happen, but there’s nothing. They talk, and talk, the sun sets and then they’re both on their fourth glass, giggling happily at something unimportant.

“Shhhh,” Phil suddenly says, looks at Dan, then laughs again. He takes Dan’s hand into his. “D’ya hear this?” he whispers and lays Dan’s hand on his own chest. “You make my heart-“, he hiccups “you make my heart do that… flippy-over thing.”

Phil smiles, and Dan smiles, and then Phil’s lips are on his, a bit sloppy but still soft and gentle, so different from that very first kiss they shared on stage. He tastes like wine and cherry lip balm and something that Dan can only recognise as Phil, because his head is swimming, and he doesn’t even know if he feels this giddy because of the alcohol or because of Phil, finds himself wanting more and more and more, unable to form any coherent thought.

He’s kissing Phil, for real, without an audience, and it’s the most wonderful thing he’s ever done.

***

Epilogue.

Islington, London, England

June 2020

Phil Lester, awoken by the impending rays of sunlight streaming into their bedroom window, yawns and rolls to his side, facing the sleeping form of his boyfriend Dan. He smiles fondly and tugs a curl behind the younger one’s ear.

“Morning, sleepyhead,” he murmurs quietly and presses a chaste kiss to Dan’s forehead. “Get up, today’s a big day.”

When his boyfriend finally stirs and opens his eyes, the usual spiel of “nooo, it’s too cold” and “five more minutes love, please!” begins, but Phil is used to that by now. In fact, he kind of loves having to bribe Dan with promises of breakfast and cuddles, although he’d never admit that to anyone but himself.

Minutes later, Phil’s in the lounge, clutching a steaming mug of coffee while Dan quite literally blocks the bathroom for half an hour like he does every morning. There’s still confetti and glitter from the surprise party they held for Dan last week. We need to clean up; Phil thinks and smiles when he hears Dan sing in the shower, because even after three years this domesticity still gets to him. It’s a miracle, really, that someone like Dan could love someone like Phil back.

Today’s a big day. It’s opening night for the new play Dan has the lead in, a modern piece about two people who fall in love over the internet and build a career together (a bit unrealistic, in Phil’s opinion), and Phil remembers the box, safely tucked away inside a rolled-up shirt he very well knows Dan hates, at the back of Phil’s drawer. Tonight, the box will be taken out of its hiding place and the ring placed inside it will hopefully adorn Dan’s fourth finger.

Yeah, today’s a pretty big day.

If one had told Phil of three years ago he would, at one point in his life, put on his finest button-up to propose to Dan Howell, of all people, he probably would have laughed and gone upon talking about how annoying Dan was, and how far he must have a stick up his arse. Current Phil, however, doesn’t really feel like laughing when his heart is pumping this fast with nerves. By now, he would use any word but “annoying” to describe Dan, and the only thing he has up his arse is Phil himself.

This is it, he thinks, as he locks the door to their flat and lets his hand glide over the bulge in his pocket. Taking Dan’s hand in his own and mirroring the younger one’s excited smile, he knows that he wants nothing more than this.

Three hours later, he feels like he knows nothing anymore. Dan is backstage, getting ready for the play, and Phil is quivering in his seat. They’re in the first row. Dan loves spoiling his loved ones almost as much as he loves being spoiled. His fright doesn’t go unnoticed by Louise, who’s seated between him and Darcy, holding her daughter’s hand.

“Are you alright?” she asks, turning to Phil and laying her free hand on his arm. Phil merely shakes his head.

“What’s wrong? Did something happen?” Louise’s husband, Liam, now asks, leaning over to him, brows furrowed. Phil lets out a breath he hasn’t realised he’s been holding.

“I’m going to propose to Dan tonight,” he whispers, voice barely audible and threatening to break. Good god, he is terrified.

“Phil, oh my god, that’s amazing!” Louise whispers excitedly, a grin spreading across her face. “How are you gonna do it?”

Phil smiles, happy to tell her about his plans.

Hours later, when the premiere is done and the actors have bathed in the applause, Phil will take Dan out to a restaurant, one of those incredibly fancy ones that require reservations a year in advance. He will use the new play as an excuse because of course, Dan will ask questions.

After dinner, they will take a walk along the Thames, water glistening in the moonlight, and Phil will briefly wonder when they did become such a cliché.

He will stop Dan, suddenly, look at this wonderful, wonderful man in front of him, take a deep breath and start talking:

“You know, every time I think back to that time we met, when we really didn’t get along I ask myself, how didn’t I already love you back then?” He’ll start, and smile at the memory. “Because now, it seems impossible to me to not love you, you’re perfectly imperfect in everything you think and do and are, and I don’t want to spend one day without waking up next to you, or hearing your laugh or looking at your ethereal beauty because… I love you, so much. More than I have ever loved anyone or anything in my whole life so-“

Then, Phil will get down on one knee, seeing the surprise on his lover’s face, will hear his beautiful gasp and see him tear up.

”- Daniel James Howell, love of my life: will you marry me?”

And then, Daniel James Howell, in his ethereal beauty, will whisper a single word, the happiest of all words:

“Yes.”

And they lived happily ever after.

So, this is it, thank you so much for reading!

I hope you enjoyed it, feel free to reblog, leave comments or message me if you want to, I’d really appreciate it!

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Thank you, again!

- Lucie

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