#like. that doesn't fix the real issue it just treats the symptoms.

[lloydfrontera]

i don't think theo would relapse after rakiel dies but i do think he would overcorrect so hard to avoid it he'd end up developing a whole new eating disorder because of it. not really starving himself as much as controlling everything he eats down to the tiniest bite. not allowing himself to deviate from his diet at all and feeling extemely guilty and anxious when he does. in a horrible situation where nothing feels right and there's so little he can do to fix it, this is the one thing he has control over. this is the one thing he can do to make sure things go as well as they can. he fucked up once and rakiel had to step in to fix him but now his brother is gone and there'll be no one to catch the pieces if he breaks again so. he just has to make sure he never does. he has to control himself because there's no one now to extend a hand to help him up if he falls.

[headspace-hotel]

facts about The Fear, after 20 years of life with her

The Fear is NOT:

an intruder, invader, or some other entity from "outside" You

inappropriate, wrong, or incorrect

a responsibility

a punishment

"irrational" or otherwise able to be understood through a relationship to "rationality"

an "inaccurate" representation of reality

The Fear IS:

an innate part of you

extra-rational—she exists outside and completely independent from "rationality" and does not respond to being judged according to that lens

self-love—her purpose is to protect you and keep you safe

self-sufficient—fear is a 100% whole, complete entity that doesn't "represent" or "reflect" something else

earnest—fear is always a 100% real experience that is exactly as it is felt, and, needing no comparison or reference to any external reality, it is not "dishonest" or "inaccurate"— it asserts a claim about only itself

subversive [not quite the word I am looking for but it will have to do]— is not necessarily beholden to social and cultural norms of what should be feared, how much, and how you should respond. She does not stop existing in the absence or suppression of vocabulary to describe her.

a demand for care— she does not just communicate to you but to the community you are part of; she calls attention to an obligation that this community has toward you, to make sure that you are safe within it and that your experiences are heard and understood.

yeah, so, i've had severe anxiety for my whole life and the way it's been treated and dealt with, and the way I've been taught to understand it, has really fucked me up so I am trying to lay the groundwork for understanding it differently

I think it's pretty fucked up that we're taught to see anxiety as deceptive or inaccurate. Now, obviously the images or projections in my fearful thoughts do not usually "reflect reality," but I have come to see this as...not particularly important?

Teaching an anxiety sufferer to restructure their thoughts to dismiss and contradict "irrational" fear is, in my opinion, the same as teaching a chronic pain sufferer to restructure their thoughts to dismiss and contradict pain with no clear physical source. You might as well speak of "irrational" pain, and pain has the same relationship to rationality that fear has.

"Irrationality" is a quality assigned to fear that is judged by an outside observer, or by the collective cultural biases and hang-ups of a society, as not appropriate to a given situation. This is total fucking nonsense and we should be talking about that, because...well, the first reason is that it implies some kind of fixed standard for what fear ultimately is and isn't for. i like to tell people to watch one of those Coyote Peterson videos where he's going to get a tarantula hawk wasp to sting him, because he's obviously having a strong physical fear response, even though he knows it won't kill him. Is it "rational" to fear suffering and not just death? How much suffering? Sit with that one a little while.

The second reason, which is even more convincing, is that the "rational" brain is not consulted at any point, ever, when a person feels afraid. It's just a response. The fear response is not routed through the conscious, sapient, reasoning brain. And thank God, because if we needed to hear back from an upstairs executive before we could decide whether to run from a lion, our species would be extinct.

Techniques like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy were absolute fucking shit at making my life any better, but fantastic at wrecking my ability to identify my own emotions, because Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for anxiety basically amounts to trying to brainwash yourself into thinking you don't feel the emotions that you do. It's a really neat way to develop bizarre psychosomatic symptoms and start experiencing anxiety through constant body pain, swollen lymph nodes, and digestive issues.

For an institution that pathologizes having "alters," psychiatry sure loves to encourage a suffering person to view normal and ultimately good parts of themselves as distinct, intruding entities to be shoved in a closet somewhere.

And yes. Fear is ultimately a good part of you, a part of you that loves you.

What began to set me free was feeling that acid terror and sickness and rage course through my body and realizing—really realizing—that I was being illuminated with this ancient, powerful force driving me to LIVE.

I want us to make it. I want you to live.

And you know what, I want me to live too.

I abandoned the doctrine of calming down—Lord knows it had never worked anyway—and started really just exploring and existing in the Fear.

How did that feel? Bad. Very very very very very bad and really not productive or helpful at all initially. Which was unavoidable. Necessary. She had been frantically clawing to communicate with me for so long, and I had been shutting her away, silencing her, resenting her presence in my psyche. I started trying to show gratitude toward the signals my body gave me. I started trying to show gratitude toward her—and i guess the Fear was a Her now, this just seemed more respectful.

And it seemed like nothing happened, but several things happened.

I stopped searching for validation. That was a big one. At some point I just...stopped needing a "reason" or justification for the fear I felt (trauma???? neurodivergence???? neurodivergence trauma????) and the fact that I experienced it became completely sufficient and satisfying to me. So much guilt and confusion disappeared.

I also became steadily more confident about my own boundaries, particularly in regards to recovery.

It's awful now that I think about it, but I think I felt this sense of almost moral obligation towards "recovery," as if I needed to "overcome fear" to be Courageous and Virtuous. It made me feel crushing guilt to feel any hesitation about this.

But then this started to change. It became more real to me that was the only person affected by the steps I did or didn't take toward recovery, and there was no moral dimension to it. A therapist couldn't put me in a box I wouldn't willingly go into.

Freedom from these judgmental frameworks is really important to me. I think that I always hated the idea of getting "better" because it seemed like "better" would mean just getting better at submitting to things I was afraid of while everything felt just as bad as it always did on the inside.

And on some level—even though I could never put it into words at the time—I violently hated the idea of "recovery" from some of my fears because it seemed like the ultimate denial of agency. I didn't want to "become okay with it"—the possibility felt dehumanizing. It felt awful.

And I realize now that this is because The Fear represented something I needed to have a right to. Many of my most life-destroying fears centered around things being done to my body, and if I could have pressed a button and been no longer afraid, I wouldn't have, even though it would have spared me so much suffering, because...I needed it to be okay to want agency over my body. I needed it to be right. The Fear, in this case, was a demand that my body be treated as sacred.

I realized that there were many cases where The Fear was a territorial claim of sorts, a demand that certain needs be honored and met—She needs this. This is FUCKING non-negotiable.

And it really...prompted me to look backward on my life and see The Fear differently: not as a responsibility I had failed to shoulder (me?? a little child??? responsible?? Responsible for being brave, when every day felt like facing a firing squad?????) but as a collective responsibility

Because I was not alone in those memories—I was surrounded by adults that saw me suffering, and often dismissed, ignored or ridiculed it. The Fear grew larger and larger; why?—to protect me. Because teachers, nurses, doctors, and camp counselors did not do any of the thousand thousand things they could have done to make that little girl feel safe. Because my well-meaning parents praised me when I was "brave" but I, a little kid, literally couldn't communicate how awful it always felt.

The Fear was not there to torture me. The Fear was and is doing her best to keep me safe. It's not wrong, there's no need for guilt. It just is.

It doesn't feel good. But maybe one day it will feel better.

[pallastrology]

observations on aquarius

artwork by jules pierre van biesbroek

aquarius moons, like other air moons, can treat their emotions kind of like a puzzle; they turn them over in their hands and really break down and analyse their thoughts and feelings. aquarius moons in particular tend to be very focused on the wider impact of their actions and emotions, which, while a testament to their kind and caring nature, can get in the way of them experiencing their full emotional range and the insight that comes with that.

a lot of people with aquarius dominance can go through life feeling dreadfully lonely. though (depending on individual placements) they often pride themselves on being different, or not needing to follow the crowd, deep down they can feel they don't belong, or aren't 'normal'. really, their uniqueness is what makes them beautiful, and while their journey isn't always predictable, they generally find their tribe along the way, and become people with a strong sense of self and steady values that guide them and their relationships.

aquarius on the ascendant tends to have a reputation for looking 'alien-like' or asymmetric, and while the second one especially can be true, my opinion is that a lot of aquarius risings have a doll-like beauty, with very fine and neat features, not unlike virgo risings actually. what sets them apart is that they are more expressive with their style, more congruent and more open to showing their true selves through their clothing. they are prouder and stronger that way, almost more dramatic.

mars in aquarius is a placement that has a strange relationship with anger and assertiveness. they tend to be very cool people, in that they're stoic, relaxed, grounded and pragmatic; they aren't as controlling or fearful as a fixed mars tends to be. but they can be quite detached from their anger and agency, and so if they aren't self-reflective, they don't see how it can affect those around them when they are angry. they are prone to anger at the state of the world and are sensitive to justice - or injustice, rather - but can be erratic in how they display this, at times seeming uncaring.

jupiter in aquarius is a placement that brings a lot of kindness, a lot of generosity, but a strict will and a clear vision. they are dreamers at heart, like a lot of aquarian placements, but if it's channeled properly, jupiter in aquarius gives the native the power and confidence to succeed. the other interesting thing about this placement is that the native tends to love to work; as long as the work means something to them, as long as it does good. they absolutely cannot work just to make money, it's bad for their souls.

aquarius in the sixth house can bring health issues that appear suddenly, are hard to diagnose or treat, or come and go. they may have unusual symptoms or reactions to things, and the phrase 'when you hear hoofbeats, think horses' doesn't tend to apply so well to them. somewhat nervous individuals, aquarius in the sixth house natives can be sensitive to lifestyle factors that help or hinder their health, and so they need a solid (if maybe a little unconventional) routine to really flourish.

aquarius suns are some of the funniest people i've ever met. they have a real deadpan, dry sense of humour and their serious delivery just makes the joke land better. although they may have unconventional taste in material, they don't tend towards the inappropriate and in fact are very even and fair in their roasts. maybe for this reason, they aren't the best roasters, but at least you know you won't be traumatised if an aquarius roasts you...

venus in aquarius gets a reputation for being distant, 'away with the fairies', even unromantic, but i don't think that's true at all. while they are a more grounded and cerebral placement for venus to be in, these natives are incredibly sweet. when they love someone, they will tell them so in a thousand tiny ways. they're the type to take their time getting to know every part of you, down to your microexpressions and innermost worries and favourites.

[myadhdchronicles]

Time Blindness and ADHD

One of the major struggles of ADHD is time blindness or time nearsightedness. I prefer to call it time nearsightedness, it explains it better, thanks to Jessica McCabe from How to ADHD for the great term. Time blindness/nearsightedness happens in ADHD when those suffering from it cannot "see" time well. It is a problem where ADHD brains have just two time settings, now and not now. Things land on our time radar later than they do on that of those without ADHD.

What this means is that we are often late, underestimate or overestimate how long tasks will take, think 5 minutes have passed then look up at the computer to see that 50 minutes did, think we have time to do this one more 2-minute thing, and end up still doing the task 20 minutes later, and more. It means that a task that we think will be short ends up being long, and something we thought would take forever, end up being short. This time blindness means we must always have a watch, phone, computer, clock, or timer to keep us on track and help us "see" time.

This is a problem in all aspects of our lives. We can't figure out how long we need to get from waking up in the morning to arriving at work on time because we forget we need time for things like getting from house to car, from car to work, finding a parking space, etc. We plan our time as if everything will always go perfectly and we will have long enough to do everything without realizing what everything includes. We don't know how to break down assignments because we think it will take us 5 minutes to read the textbook chapters that the assignment is on when it will actually take half an hour, we think it will take half an hour to write the outline and it actually takes an hour and a half, and we think that writing the draft will take an hour when it actually takes 3 hours, we also forget the time it takes to actually get the assignment turned in.

Some things that can help with time blindness/nearsightedness are as mentioned earlier having a way to see the time EVERYWHERE, which means clocks in EVERY room, wearing a watch, always having your phone nearby to check the time, having a clock visible in the taskbar on all your computers, and timers everywhere. Another thing that helps is estimating how long you think something takes and then using a stopwatch to see how long it actually does take. We also need to have calendars handy wherever our clocks are as well because we can lose track of the date too. You can also ask people in your support system to help you with time by letting you know how long you've been doing something or giving gentle reminders that you need to be done with that task soon because you have that appointment soon and things like that. Reminders and alarms are also helpful.

It is very difficult to suffer from this symptom of ADHD and when added to the other symptoms it can be a very real struggle just to get things done and get places on time. It is also not the ADHD sufferers' fault that they suffer from this symptom, and treating the person as if they have some type of character flaw or moral failing because they struggle to see time the way you do will not help them at all and will just make it all worse, not to mention it doesn't help you either and you just stay frustrated. It doesn't fix the time issue people with ADHD have to be told we have a character flaw or moral failing when what we really have is an ADHD symptom that's making our lives and the lives of our loved ones miserable. Instead, focus on solutions. Because we can't help it.

Until the next ADHD Chronicles, put on your time glasses and remember we're not broken, we're neurodivergent!

[sylphofspaceyuri]

Re: your post on writing an intersex character. I wanna start off by saying that "intersex" is not a subset of "nonbinary", and in fact has nothing to do with gender at all. "Intersex" means "has sexual characteristics that don't quite fit in the male/female dichotomy" (so for exemple, "having a lot of body hair" would be a common intersex trait. It's called hirsutism btw look it up.) Intersex people can be trans, can be cis, can be non binary, can be gnc, just bear in mind that "being intersex" doesn't imply any of the above necesarily.

(Sorry if you already knew about that part, but "intersex = nb" is a VERY pervasive misconceptions especially in queer spaces, so anytime someone asks for info on intersex people I need to start with the big disclaimer of "INTERSEX IS NOT A GENDER THING, YOU CAN GIVE YOUR CHARACTER GENDER IF YOU WANT BUT KNOW THAT IT'S NOT LINKED TO BEING INTERSEX")

Anyways. Being intersex can manifests itself in a variety of ways, including but not limited to: genitals, gonads, chromosomes, hormones, secondary sexual characteristics, and probably a bunch of others I forgot about. If your character is intersex, this is gonna have an impact on their appearance, and possibly their health (since plenty of intersex conditions are disabling.) My advice is to either look up one specific condition (like Swyer syndrome) and then look at all the ways it would impact your character, or look at whatever traits you wanna give your character (like hirsutism as mentioned above), and look up whatever intersex condition could lead to that to reverse engineer how being intersex would impact your oc. If the variation you end up picking for your character is disabling, then you might have to mention whatever treatment she's undergoing to aleviate the symptoms (ie intersex people with hormonal imbalance REALLY need their T and/or E.)

(Also, sorry again if you're already informed, but again it's a common misconception so I gotta say it: there is no such a thing as having "both functional equipments." Futanaris aren't real. Genital intersex variations are usually more along the lines of "having a huge clit" "having a micropenis" "having a very shallow vagina" and the likes. And as I said prior, there are plenty of intersex variations that don't affect the junk at all.)

I don't know the setting you're writing, but if it's our modern world or something similar, then growing up in a society that enforces the sex binary is gonna have a huge impact on your character too. IRL, there is a LOT of medical malpractice related to "fixing" intersex children (either as infant, or when puberty kicks in "wrong"). It's also very common for intersex people to not know fully what's up with their body, because hospitals tend to straight up lie on your medical file about the fact that they did cosmetic surgery on your junk. If medical malpractice doesn't apply to your character, there might still be some issues with "puberty hit and everyone is growing differently than me what's up with that" "none of the biology books look even remotely like me that's weird" at best and "everyone insists my body is wrong for some reason and they're trying to force me back into a binary I do not understand" at worst.

Hope that helped! I highly recommend you look up your local intersex activist group, these usually have extensive FAQs on what intersex means, what are the intersex fighting subjects, common intersex experiences, ect.

Hi yes this is very helpful!

I do know a fair few of these things so I'm better off saying what I did not know and other information

-I did not know many of the actual terms like hirsutism and swyer syndrome

-In regards to setting, it's a post revolution sci fi world where things are A Lot Better so she is treated well socially, though the environment she is in is not a good one so I think that will create some deep insecurity and internalized issues with some of the more disabling factors of being intersex. Namely, the criminal faction she is in is extremist in nature and deeply ableist due to their mentality surrounding physical and mental strength, I imagine her treatment there would be "you can be intersex but only if it doesn't impair your capabilities in combat" which she may be deeply insecure about

-I VERY much appreciate you citing that activist thing, I will definitely use that it sounds incredibly helpful

-The intersex ≠ trans, cis, etc thing is quite helpful too! It helps me figure the proper terms for her, I think cisgender applies to her as she's very comfortable with her sex given that she's lived with it into her late 30s at the current timeline

-The other experiences cited like "puberty hit and everyone else is growing up differently" may be very helpful when fleshing out her childhood, which I need to do more of anyway

And no need to apologize for mentioning the misconceptions and such! I understand, while I do know about those things I appreciate the detail and attentiveness

[weirdestcornelius]

Starting this sparklecrit blog out with a bang of course. Hello fellow critics and those that will send me slurs /hj

Sparklecare and Cometcare their fandoms have a blatant ableism problem. The fandom consistently makes fun of characters that are seen as having "gross" disabilities or disorders.

Take Sly, for example. She doesn't take care of herself because of depression, something that is shown in comic and stated directly on her toyhouse profile. Fen is one of the MOST relatable characters I have ever come across. The moment I saw her in comic my first thoughts were "that's me. That's literally me in this comic, I've never felt so close to a character before." Untillll I saw how god awful the fandom and even Kittycorn treats fen.

Sly is so consistently made fun of for fens hygiene, it's disgusting. Sure, maybe one or two jokes would be fine. Hell, even a joke every arc would be fine, but it's something she's constantly made fun of for. The way the fandom and Kittycorn squeakself calls fen "stinky" and "gross" is TERRIBLE. There is no excuse to act like this. Yes, fen is a character and therefore not a real person, but it's really shitty behavior to make fun of a character for their legitimate illness. Jeez, I figured I wouldn't have to worry about this in a fandom supposedly made out of mentally and physically disabled/ill people.

Moving onto Sparklecare instead of a side comic, Polly. Poor, poor Polly has been done so nasty. It has a genuine illness, made up or not, that has terrible symptoms that cannot be cured on spinch. He can't remember their own friends, she can hardly feel emotions towards others, but all of that is tossed aside to make another "lmao being around Polly makes everyone else horny" joke. I guess it makes sense for them to act like that around Polly (sort of?) considering the whole heat retainment lore and the cold, but Polly is literally shown to be uncomfortable with this. They don't seem to be interested in Barry or anyone around them at all. She doesn't get any personality other than "numb fox dude that steals from people and can't feel emotions that well". You can write emotionally numb characters without giving them zero personality. Not to mention how Polly just doesn't use his cane despite it being specified that it needs it otherwise they're at fall risk. It seems like that issue is being fixed, but here's hoping it actually stays fixed.

I want more disabilities to be shown so badly, but at the same time, I'm scared for them to be. I just know that the disabilities I struggle with, if they were represented in this comic, they'd be made fun of. For example, my really bad skin picking disorder causes me to leave flakes of skin and nail clippings wherever I go. I just know that this fandom would make fun of a character for that by saying shit like "they can't even clean up after themselves lmao. #lazy" or something along those lines.

I've been so consistently triggered by people making fun of Sly that it's not even funny. For a fandom that's supposed to be understanding, everyone sure does love to make fun of peoples illnesses the moment they're not played off as cutesy or a gateway into ship material. It's disgusting.

[lunalillyhbhb]

Lea's home

Chapter 2 pt.2

The climb up to her room is filled with worry, anxiousness and a little bit of lust.

My thoughts are running everywhere: I don't want to be fired; I hope she hasn't found out; I want to steth her; I hope Lea's safe; How did she learn about this; I want to palpate her neck vein; I need to fix this; I want to palpate her heart; I want to keep my job; I need to steth her-

Just a jumble of all too many things.

Before I know it, I'm at her door. I hear the shower going inside. I lightly knock on the door and hear a soft "come in". I make sure the corridor is empty, and slip inside her room. My heart pounds as I scan the room and wait for her to come out.

Promptly I hear the shower turn off, and after a few seconds Mrs. Nicole emerges from her bathroom, draped in nothing but a bathrobe, her hair wet and dripping, her face flush from the warm water, but with her glasses still on. She locks her foxy eyes on me, and walks towards her bed and sits on it, before tapping the space beside her motioning me to sit beside her on the bed.

"How've you been doing?" she asks, her silky voice alluring me, holding me in place.

"I'm doing well Mrs. Nicole. Lea and her family has treated me well, and work is going smoothly." I speak fast and slurred, trying to focus on calming my nerves. I quickly sneak a glance at her breasts against my wish and quickly flick my eyes away, noticing her very clear pulse on her neck and under her left breast, pounding away steadily and at a slightly quick pace, probably from the shower.

What I wouldn't give to place my steth there-

"And how is college? Is your studies progressing smoothly? I hope nothing's hindering your progress towards your goal" her voice is dropping steadily, doing things to me. A warm sensation grows in my lower abdomen.

"Everything's going smooth Mrs. Nicole, I'm keeping up to date with all my material." Why's she bringing up this small talk?? Is this a way to intimidate me? Is she indirectly threatening to ruin my college life?

"That's great, my dear" she says, with a hand reaching towards me a stroking my cheek. Is she....by any chance.....drunk?

"Mrs. Nicole, are you okay? Is there anything I can do for you?" I mean, she did call me to her room, and she has yet to tell me why.

"I hear you're a medical student, yes? You see, I am getting old, and with my age I am noticing a few problems. Every now and then, I feel slightly out of breath, and my heart palpates a lot. It lasts for a few minutes at a time. Do you have any idea what these symptoms are?"

Omg. Is this what I think it is? This can't be real. She's asking me about a heart related issue? How do I interpret this? Is she genuinely asking for my advice, or is she insinuating that she knows I do "heart checkups" on Lea?

Wait.... whatever it is, doesn't this also mean that this is my chance to finally palpate her? Finally, after dreaming about it for so long, I finally have a (questionable) reason to palpate her beautiful breast.

"are you currently feeling palpitations?" She nods eagerly, her eyes widening a bit.

"I might need to palpate your chest area, do you mind?"

"Yes dear, please, and feel free to move around my boobs, I know they're in the way and I've seen doctors having to move them aside."

I waste no time and immediately palpate over her bathrobe, above her breasts and slowly make my way down. I gently untie the front of her robe and palpate her sternum, feeling a slight sternal heave. My brain is now divided into 2 parts: Analyzing the meaning behind a sternal heave, and bathing in the sensation of how amazing her heart is. I make my way to her point of maximal impulse, and it's almost like her heart is eager for me to touch it, pushing its apex as close as possible for me to feel it with minimal efforts.

"Wow Mrs. Nicole, your heart is really amazing" I say, quickly following up with "I can feel a heave, but I might need a stethoscope to carefully listen to the valves before I give any further advise. Unfortunately I don't have mine on my right now..."

She gets up and quickly makes her way to a small compartment in her desk and pulls out a Littman stethoscope and makes her way back to me. She stands in front of me, and hands me the steth. "Wear it" She commands, and I put it on without missing a beat.

I start putting things together slowly: Why does she have a steth? How does she know that sometimes doctors move breasts of heavier build people to properly hear their heart? I can't believe I'm thinking this, but is it remotely possible that....she's a cardiophile, like me? Or is this just my wishful thinking?

"Steth me, now." She orders, and i place the cold steth on her bare skin, in the pulmonic position and there I hear it: the beautiful strong heartbeat of a sexy woman, right at my fingertips.

Bu-thump Bu-thump Bu-thump

I stutter out a "It looks fine Ma'am."

She removes my hand of her chest and beckons me to get up. She then leans on the headrest of her bed, scoots her legs over to one side, and pats the other side.

"This position might help you hear clearer."

My mind is completely blank. I do as she says and obediently sit. She then says "I gave you the tool, now use it properly. Steth me."

I go in order saving the best for the last, first her aortic valve, her pulmonic, her tricuspid, and finally my favourite: the mitral valve.

Bu-thump Bu-thump Bu-thump Bu-thump

As I go in order, her heart rate picks up from a 90 bpm to a 120 bpm, and she now starts panting, her cheeks becoming more flushed. Her pounding heartbeat is becoming more and more visible, her PMI becoming more clearer and prominent. Her neck veins are pulsating hard, and it takes all my will power to not feel it. She places one of her hands on my own and pushes it strongly to her chest.

"What are you hearing? Describe it to me."

"I hear your valves, pushing hard and fast. It sounds beautiful and strong." All my medical knowledge leaves me, and I am left alone with my leud thoughts, my pounding heart and the most beautiful muse in front of me. All I would ever need.

"I can make it go faster.....for you....." she says, slowly, looking at me intently. With her eyes fixed on me, she pulls my other hand toward her chest, slowly caressing herself with my hand. Her eyes flutter close and she bites her lip, stifling a small moan threatening to escape.

"Your heart... it's pounding so hard.... I want it to go faster."

She looks at me surprised. Now I'm the one giving her instructions. It seems to have caught her off-guard. I stop stething her and she whimpers a bit. I pull off her glasses, revealing her full face, cute and flushed, now seemingly under my control.

"Don't stop your moaning. Moan for me. Make your heart go faster for me." Her hands have become weak and fall away, and allows my fingers to play around her nipple which has been hard for a while, begging for attention. I rub it slowly, twisting it and squeezing it gently, watching the once strong woman crumble under my touch, her fierce face melting into a flushed mess due to my touch.

I fully understand why she called me to her room. She's wanted this from me. She must've noticed me staring at her and knew I was the one she needed. The way her body quivers, tells me she's wanted this for a long time now. Getting drunk was her way of letting it happen. So now, I must give her what she's asked for.

"My heart's beating fast, steth me" she tries taking control but I don't budge. I look at her coldly, waiting for that magic word.

"Please!" She begs. That's more like it. I put my weight against her body and press the steth into her chest, and she moans. The warm feeling was now fully raging in my clit, throbbing with my heartbeat.

"Can I *huff* please... listen *huff* to yours? Please?"

I remove the steth, my ears feeling lonely, and place them in hers, and guide the bell to my own apex. My heart leaps out with excitement, hammering away strongly, as if showing her who's heart is best.

"Touch yourself" I order her, and her hands go down and insert inside easily, her underwear wet in anticipation. She rubs her clit and listens to my heartbeat hammering inside, pounding harder as I watch her twitch and moan. My heart is doing this to her. I did this.

She tried to reach for my vulva but I swat her hand away, "Did I tell you to do this? No. You only touch what I tell you to." She whimpers and nods.

Seeing this strong and powerful woman obey my every word is everything I've dreamed of with her.

I lay down on her chest, listening to her raw heartbeat. This pushes her to her climax, and I feel the wave of orgasm hit both of us. As I continue to touch her nipples, and slip my other hand into her clit and rub sensually with her fingers, both covered and wet, panting and heaving, her moaning loudly. With a final quiver, she cums and collapses down into the headrest, and I leaning on her chest. We listen to each other's heartbeats in silence till we both calm down and our breathing gets regulated.

"I've wanted you to listen to my heart since Lea introduced you here" she says, in between small breaths. "I also noticed how your relationship changed recently and how she watches your heart every time you're in the room. I wanted that for me, too."

I look at her, mildly shocked that she noticed. Maybe it takes one cardiophile to understand another.

"I thought I lost that, but I noticed you never stopped looking at me. Every time you're in the room my heartbeat picks up and you notice it. Every time it shakes visibly, you're the only one who notices. I've wanted you for a long time, and I was happy when it looked like you wanted me too."

I'm filled with happiness, and am so grateful that she was on my side. I knew that Mrs. Nicole would never betray me, and that I could trust her and her heart. Because today, her heart was mine to control. She belonged to me.

I let her listen to me for a while until she fell asleep, and I monitor her heart go back to a steady 60 bpm. Her neck veins go back to being slightly visible, and her apex pulses against her chest slowly.

I let my fingers linger on her neck, her breast, her nipples and her clit, slowly massaging it. I finally get up, turn off the light, and leave the beautiful Mrs. Nicole alone.

I pack up my things and leave the house, just on time to see Lea pulling up. I wish her good night knowing that if I stayed a bit longer she would call me to her room as well, and I'd had enough work out for now.

As I reach home, I think on how now, I have 2 very different yet very beautiful hearts that belong to me, and how I look forward to playing with them in the future.

[ina-nis]

I will never stop talking about how harmful some therapy modalities are, even if they're considered the first line of treatment for many mental illnesses.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is one I particularly hate, not only because it has harmed and traumatized me personally, but because the whole premise of this "therapy" (if I can even call it that) is based on victim-blaming and gaslighting. Full stop.

I found a very good interview/article about the harm CBT can cause on chronic pain patients (I am also one of them!) and it sums up most my feelings and why I would never recommend it to anyone - and I'll actually go out of my way to warn people about it, be mindful and know what they're getting into if they do decide to try.

It's important to note that, even though this is about chronic pain, this fits for a lot of other things, like personality disorders. They're all interconnected after all, and the ableism we face is always similar, unfortunately.

It was incredibly difficult for me to function day-to-day due to the pain and fatigue. It felt like no one understood what I was going through, including the therapists I saw who told me I was just anxious or overreacting. I was told that my pain wasn’t real, would pass if I stopped paying attention to it, or was being exaggerated. I received the same message from many others in my life. They told me I was faking to get out of school or being melodramatic for attention. None of that was true. So on top of being in chronic pain that just got worse, showing up more often and in more areas of my body, I felt dismissed, judged, and alone. Most of my chronic pain treatment, aside from over the counter meds and the occasional prescription for symptoms like heartburn or migraines, was therapy and psychiatric medication. Doctors continued to dismiss my pain and gave mental health diagnoses instead of investigating my physical symptoms. The underlying physical issues causing my pain were overlooked and misattributed to being psychosomatic. Psych meds never helped my chronic pain. I tried almost all of them, yet that didn’t signal anything to my psychiatrists except that I was a “difficult case.” They didn’t consider that there really was something physical going on [and many people do have co-occurring physical and psychological conditions]. (...) Unfortunately, even with my recent diagnoses, the conditions I have are under-researched and don’t always have clear treatment paths. The medical establishment has intentionally neglected researching and treating them. Most doctors don’t know much about the conditions or falsely believe they’re too rare to need to know about, so I’m basically back to square one. I’m still not being provided treatment that actually helps my chronic pain. Even with a growing list of medical diagnoses, therapy and psych meds are still routinely recommended to me, sometimes as the only treatment option.

As I said... way too similar, isn't it? This has been my experience with both chronic pain and most my mental illnesses. It's especially hard to digest regarding AvPD - where one of the treatments is to "just go outside and socialize" and the fact that doing that makes me suicidal is overlooked, conveniently. You're not taken seriously, people think it's just a matter of "willpower" and "positive thinking" and "just don't think about it." A big fat load of bullshit, huh?

But I guess I get it? People don't understand how it is. They most likely never will unless they go through it themselves so, of course, they will offer all these "solutions" and "fixes" - including medical professionals - and will blame you after things straight up don't work, or don't work for long enough.

I do not see anyone talking about side effects and the harms treatment can cause. Nobody. Not a single fucking soul. But if it doesn't work then it's because you're "treatment resistant" or you just didn't get the right mix of meds, or you're just not trying hard enough. Aha!

Now delving into CBT itself...:

(...) I remember pushing back when therapists told me my pain was exaggerated, “all in my head,” or that I was focusing too much on it and making it worse. Therapists told me my pain was psychosomatic. I wasn’t given the space or encouragement to process or discuss my grief, fear, or trauma around living in chronic pain and having it untreated and dismissed. Trying to ignore the pain didn’t stop it. I always knew there was something medical going on. I told them that I was suffering. It didn’t matter. They still thought they could convince me my pain wasn’t real, or that I was choosing to suffer from it even if it was real. That didn’t help, and they were wrong. CBT as a modality is based around gaslighting. It’s all about telling a patient that the world is safe, bad feelings are temporary, and that pain (emotional or physical) is a “faulty or unhelpful” distortion of thinking. That’s literally in CBT’s definition on the APA website. But how do they determine that someone’s thinking is “faulty or unhelpful”? From the first session, therapists told me my way of thinking was the problem, not the medical conditions I couldn’t control or things like systemic injustices, financial struggles, trauma, and discrimination. And that’s a big problem with CBT. When therapists look at patients through the lens of patients’ thinking being faulty or distorted, not the larger issues impacting their lives, therapists miss those larger issues and the patient is invalidated and harmed even further. [Maybe some people find CBT helpful] but what happens in CBT when your thinking is not actually distorted? When you’re someone who has chronic pain, chronic illness, and disability? Someone dealing with systemic and societal issues that are very real and harmful? Someone dealing with trauma, PTSD, or currently being abused? Someone living in a global pandemic that’s disabling and killing millions of people? I believe CBT is built to be dismissive and invalidating. And that’s what was done to me for so long that even I wondered at times if maybe I was causing my own pain, that if I “fixed” my thinking and could stop being anxious, my pain would get better. But two decades of therapy only made me feel more lost and confused, and the pain only got worse. I lost so much time focusing on therapy that I could have been seeing the right specialists and doing preventative treatments that might have stopped my illnesses from progressing the way they have.

CBT is based on the premise that any patient coming into therapy is experiencing distorted, “faulty,” “catastrophizing” thinking. CBT therapists are trained to convince patients that they’re overreacting and that they’ll feel better when they realize they’re overreacting. They believe patients will realize that the world is actually safe (or at least safer than they think it is) and that emotions are based on unjustified fears and misinterpretations. Except that isn’t true. I can’t say I know anyone that’s true for. And it very much blames the victim, the patient. It tells them the problem is their way of processing pain and trauma, not whatever is actually causing it. With chronic pain, the problem can be physical, worsened by the neglect of the medical system. I can’t wish that away. I can’t convince myself I’m not in pain that exists and is being neglected. It’s not true. And it’s harmful to tell me that’s how I’ll get better when it’s not. Also, CBT practitioners seem to work off an assumption that patients will feel better if they refocus their attention to distractions. I can’t tell you how many therapists told me to just go out, make new friends, join a club, even giving me worksheets to schedule and report those kinds of activities. None of that helped me. First of all, it was hard to go out and make friends when I was living in chronic pain. It also felt so dismissive to be told the solution was just to distract myself and pretend everything was fine when I had real, physical pain and trauma going on that wasn’t being properly addressed. I believe the way CBT is prescribed and enacted for people in chronic pain is certainly harmful and inappropriate. [It has been useless to me and many other chronic pain patients.]

(...) I’ve never heard of a pain coach, but from what I’m seeing via Google it looks a lot like CBT to me, except with even less training or oversight. I’m seeing phrases like “creating harmony,” “triumph over pain,” and “focusing on strengths” on coach websites. It looks like a form of life/wellness coaching? The websites seem scammy and ableist. Maybe there are good pain coaches out there, but I can’t tell that from what I’m seeing, and I’ve never seen anyone in the disability community recommend them. So, I can’t speak to it formally, but my guess would be that this is not a non-harmful or trauma/disability-informed method of treatment, at least not overall. I would caution against recommending something like that in lieu of CBT, and certainly not without the input of folks with lived experience of disability who have done it.

I have nothing else to add. This person put my own feelings into words I could have written myself.

I wish we never had to deal with this kind of issue and that it would get better someday. I wonder about that and I really doubt it... but the more people speak up, the more the harm will be seen and maybe something can change eventually.

(About this last part in particular: "coaching" is a huge can of worms because most are not medical professionals or trained psychologists. It is indeed a scam and the whole industry is just like that. You know multi-level marketing/pyramid schemes but make it "therapeutic"? Yeah...)

(...) Even some of the better-seeming doctors promote modalities like CBT, mindfulness, meditation, and biofeedback as first-line treatments. Those things have never helped my chronic pain. My guess is because it’s physical and structural, so at best those things could calm me down temporarily, but all those feelings come right back because the pain never stops, I’m being continually traumatized and mistreated, and I live in survival mode all the time. It’s been a long time since I found any mode of therapy helpful. ACT [acceptance and commitment therapy] had its moments because it was about coping, finding whatever power and agency I could in any given moment or situation, but I still found that limiting because truly accepting chronic pain doesn’t feel possible to me. The anger, fear, grief, and depression always come back because the pain, the source of those feelings, never stops. Sometimes it can just be nice to talk to someone, but I’ve also had problematic and traumatic therapy experiences even with therapists who say they specialize in chronic illness. Sometimes they can still be ableist, tell me I’m “catastrophizing,” and make the same mistakes. Many of them also practice CBT and seem to fall back into it with me when they feel stuck or overwhelmed by my situation. I’ve been unable to successfully do trauma work because therapists tell me we can’t work on past traumas while I’m living in trauma. The chronic pain ensures I’m always in some kind of trauma or survival situation, so I don’t know if or when real trauma work will be possible. My trust in therapy is very limited at this point. I believe much of it has been harmful and I’m not sure there’s a current modality that is truly helpful or validating for people experiencing chronic pain, disability, oppression, and/or active trauma.

[jellyfish-neo]

The way that terfs discuss feminist issues in regards to trans people feels to me like they're trying to address symptoms of sexism while giving up on solving the problem of misogyny as a whole.

It's like putting a bucket under a leak in your ceiling; it makes the problem look contained so you don't have to think about it, but it's building up more and more water as it continues. It creates an obstacle in your own home, one that can easily be tripped over, stepped into, and spilled. It doesn't keep more leaks from appearing. Without addressing the problem, the structural integrity diminishes and the roof will collapse. We don't need more buckets--we need to fix the roof.

If a man pretends to be a trans woman to sexually harass or assault people in a women's space, the solution isn't to keep all trans women out, it's to put real consequences in place for sexual harassment and assault and work towards creating a society in which such a thing is treated as the horrific crime it is. That way, sexual crimes are less common and properly punished in any situation.

If a trans woman did dominate in a women's sport, the solution isn't to ban trans women from women's sports, it's to give women's sports equal resources to help them achieve their greatest potential in schools and in the professional sports industry.

If someone detransitions after getting surgeries, the solution isn't to ban gender-affirming care; it's to provide better mental healthcare for those whose dysphoria may be caused by something else, to create a society that's more supportive of gender nonconformity, gender experimentation, and social transition without medical or legal measures so that they can take their time in deciding.

I know it's a long, hard battle, but if we just stopped this infighting and worked toward fixing the real problem, I think we could get there much sooner.

[sincelastsession]

BTW I'll probably be ok the nonverbal shutdown doesn't last forever but it's really hard to communicate verbally when I'm overloaded.

My dad needs to have ptsd and cptsd explained and what it does to people and how crippling it gets plus my other diagnosis and that they are real and valid and I do actually need accommodation and to be met at least halfway. Like he's a control freak about me.

It SCARES me.

This session he scheduled is important though. I'm stubborn and I want to give him a chance. Probably one more chance too many but I'd like to be on good terms before he drops dead from health issues or his mental illnesses kill him.

I am worried I'll have a reactive abuse or snappy response to him. I'd like to work on that.

I feel he thinks I'm not holding myself accountable for my behaviors as a 37yrold adult.

I'm still treated and spoken to like a child.

He has no respect for me.

He absolutely will be fake with you like a salesman and watch him flip moods if you correct him even gently.

My Aunts told my mom he's been angry and reactive his whole life.

My dead psychiatrist who used to treat him said he was bipolar probably with a personality disorder and possibly would develop violent dementia and it makes me sad.

It's hard to help people that have beat you down and punished you for being autonomous. The micromanagement is insane.

He does cherry pick. I'd definitely not bring up the DSM book with him and how you treat symptoms. He think I'm schizophrenic or something and my diagnosis actually need to be validated in this instance because I need him to take me seriously when I put up boundaries and he tries to bulldoze them.

He's of the mindset that he deserves respect because he pays for things and is my elder.

I'm of the mindset that he's abused the fuck out of me and I've never gotten respect unless I was playing by his rules.

He does think I'm trying to control him in a paranoid way.

Please remind me to play you the audio or email the clips before sessions with mom and dad.

Off topic: Worried abt my partner, I feel my stress is kicking his ass. He told me I was fine. He had a question for me today and was all horny which I was not mad abt but I had to deal with crazy people

Anyway idfk what else to say.

I'm tired.

Maybe I'll write more after I smoke out for the pain I'll be in tomorrow from being tense as fuck.

I wish I could have my emotional support burger now. 🍔 I'll see it on Thursday before I meet with you.

Dunno if I should eat before dad session.

I mean I'm stressed out about it and I don't know if you're questioning if it's a good idea or not but if I don't have a session with him and don't figure out some way to communicate to where it's not abusive then nothing is going to really get better because he's still basically in control of my financial shit.

Also his apology was basically the best apology and narcissist could possibly give and it's not really even a true apology and I'm really bothered by it and I don't even know if an apology with words would fix anything.

The fact that he made a session with you and is showing up means something to me but I'm also so scared that it's going to go bad. I'll be bringing my extra anxiety med that day for after.

I am worried I'll disassociate during session to protect myself and keep myself from reacting to the lies.

I literally thought about finding the dog training clicker I have to bring and click to give you a signal that I may need to excuse myself to keep composure or just let you know if it's absolute bullshit.

You're in charge with the parents. I wouldn't know where to start if you left it up to me.

I don't want to not do the hard sessions and work.

Speaking of work I flat out told my mom I was about to say "fuck it" and do like onlyfans or something because there's a market for all body types and random fetishes. I could be a findom or sell my used underwear or whatever the fuck. There's tons of legit sites. I've gone back and forth about it. If I make enough money then I could just escape. I do wish I was more an ethical slut. I don't like the gross feels that my flesh prison gives me but other people are keen on it. Maybe I'd hate being stick in it less.

Lucy who is my ex roommate...her dad died. He was just like mine but an alcoholic. Dad acts like a dry drunk.

Lucy used to encourage me to do nude modeling like she did for painters because she thought the artists would appreciate my body so I could see it wasn't terrible in art form.

Because it's really weird I look at other people and their bodies and features mostly like I look at art I don't really often sexualize people As much as I guess you're normal average person

I mean yes of course I've passed by people and been like oh God damn they're fine but more in my head it's like oh God damn their fine is in their fine art

[bookwyrminspiration]

is it still council-hating hours? even if not, this is something that's been bothering me for....so long. and i am going to explode if i don't say it right now. (In fact i actually have a doc titled "council incompetence rant" that is. getting a little long.)

One of the things that annoys me the most in Keeper is how utterly incompetent the Council is. They are shit at their jobs! They don't make sense! And that would be fine if that was something that was explored and talked about in the story, but it's not?

Like, sure, it's brushed on a little, but Keeper never goes in-depth in order to explain just how flawed and corrupt the system is! We have no idea how far the rot goes because we haven't been given a chance to see how far it goes, and despite the earlier books being really great setup for all kinds of plots and discussions surrounding the Council, it feels like Messenger is completely dropping that in favor of..."Neverseen Bad, Council + Black Swan Good". Which I call fucking bullshit on, by the way, because this series has gone to pretty decent lengths before to show that it's not the case! So WHY are we getting to that now?

Well, I think all of this is the symptom of a bigger problem.

Note: I don't want to be mean, and please tell me if I'm being too critical here, but this series has some serious problems actually delivering on what it's saying.

Like, it's trying to tell us that Sophie shouldn't be doing all this because she's a kid, but then it treats her very own existence as a project as background information when that should absolutely be at the forefront (like it was in earlier books)!

It's trying to tell us that discrimination against the Talentless is bad, but then every single member of it's cast has an ability, has a strong ability, and regularly uses their ability! Even Dex, who could have easily been talentless and good with tech, gets to be a Super Good Gadget Person thanks to his ability as opposed to his own creativity and ingenuity.

It's trying to tell us that maybe banishing children is bad, but also tells us that Exillium is now """fixed""" because Oralie gave them...better tents? Food? And never touches on the fact that children are still. getting. banished. It doesn't explore Tam's anger in detail, Linh is only there to be the token asian girl, it does nothing to fully dispel any thought of the Council being alright.

And it's trying to tell us that the Council fucks up, it's showing us that Councillors have no problem being incredibly selfish and violent and so many other terrible things, but that never changes. Nothing in Keeper is changing. It is only maintaining the status quo!

I'm confused as to what Messenger is trying to tell her readers! Are the Council good or bad? Is working with the Council good or bad? Are the Black Swan and Neverseen actually morally grey? Should I be angry at what's happening in these books? Am I meant to look at all the rot and shrug because "that's just how it is"?

And like...I wouldn't be mad if Keeper was just...bad! I mean, I would, but I wouldn't be as distraught! What really grinds my gears is that Keeper has the chance to be good. It has the chance to do great things - and at times it absolutely does! - but it keeps reinforcing belief in a deeply flawed and broken system that is regularly hurting people. And those examples were just off the top of my head!

And again, if this was explored within the series, that would be amazing, but the problem is that it's...not. And that's just...a real fuckin' shame, honestly.

- pyro

(sorry if this was like...too angry? i started and then kinda just...couldn't stop. i should probably get a hobby that's not tearing a middle grade series apart. oops.)

it may have been over a week since you sent this (thank you for being patient with me!!), but fuck yes it is still council hating hours. it is always council hating hours in this household that is not actually a house. (also that incompetence rant sounds intriguing)

yes! you are right! they are so bad at what they're supposed to be doing it's like they're just figures for people to look to and say "yea they'll take care of it" to keep everyone else from acting out! but it's really interesting to see a government so awful and incompetent be such an integral and influential part of the story...without acknowledging that they're actually really bad? I know in Unlocked there's a line where Shannon says something like "Sophie had to figure out who the bad guys were: the black swan? the council? someone else entirely?" but then it's never touched on again that I can remember. Thinking through the series, I honestly can't think of a situation that the council, of their own volition, saw was an issue and corrected in a way that was beneficial to those who needed it. Like yea, Oralie gave money to Exillium, but that was after Sophie chewed her out about it. I think i've said it before but in case not: it feels like they've taken the "for the good of the many over the good of the few" ideology too far in a society that doesn't work for. If someone threatens the majority (and often that's just in appearance only) they get rid of them to preserve the image of the rest. It doesn't care about their people, it cares about the majority of people feeling undisturbed.

considering Sophie is part of a huge organization created literally because their society, led by that system, isn't working for a lot of people, they (the Black Swan) sure do go along with the council a whole lot. I think one of the linked posts in one of my masterposts is specifically about how making the Black Swan work so closely with the council screwed them over and completely undermined everything they were working towards. I'm going to make a very vague comparison here, but the Black Swan feel like "we need to fix the system" while the Neverseen are "the system is broken lets start over" (except the Neverseen added a lot more violence into the mix). It's absolutely infuriating to have them working side by side: one, because the Black Swan aren't accomplishing any of their goals and should cut their losses and go back to being mysterious underground groups with more freedom to move (in my opinion), but two, because it makes the council seem like it's trying to fix things when really it feels like a publicity thing to make the public think they're addressing the rebel issue while they're really just showing up in places and causing problems. And!! that's another thing! it feels like their collaboration with the Black Swan is to address the problem of having rebels, not the problems these rebels have identified and are trying to fix. Unfortunately, it seems the council is getting their way more than the Black Swan, getting them to act more legally and work closer with less room for working outside the system. if that makes sense.

considering it's literally stated in unlocked that there is no "good" and "bad," there does seem to be a lot of focus on associating the Black Swan with being Right, and the Neverseen with being Wrong. I can hope that it's the outward reactions to the Black Swan realizing they've done some fucked up stuff (Sophie) and are now overcompensating and trying to make sure their every move is the correct one. But I do think it will be interesting to see if Sophie makes the connection in canon (as she's already started to) that there isn't always a right option, there's just the best you can do with a situation and the Black Swan's insistence that she was "in the wrong" (a summary) helps her realize her own values and think through their decisions with her own perspective instead of just trusting them

response to your note: you're fine! you bring up a good point that this book sounds like it wanted to be a unique perspective (by having the "good guys" also be questionable and give the "bad guys" reasonable motives) but the execution misses the mark for a lot of us. so you're qualms and observations are entirely valid and I don't think you're being mean at all! I think you're expressing a frustration you have with something, which I support and encourage.

at times it feels like Shannon bit off more than she could chew in terms of all the complicated things she could get into when it comes to this series. not saying she's doing a bad job or a horrible author or anything, just that there are some things she introduced that kind of get left behind or unexplored because there's so much else going on. I think we can see that in the whole being experiment part of Sophie life. we saw sophie was uncomfortable with it in the first few books and would sometimes bring it up, but I personally would've been more satisfied if she'd either taken the time to process it (opposed to her think about that later strategy) or come to the realization that no, she isn't okay with it and she deserves to have her thoughts on the matter heard. she was literally created to serve someone elses purpose, and brought into the fight too early at that. and yet it's treated like an "oopsie, guess we just gotta go with it" thing, like this minor part of her story when I bet her thinking about it for more than a minute at a time would absolutely wreck her. but I'm getting caught up in this, so moving on!

I think we can see it in the talentless too, as it's treated like a "that doesn't affect me" thing for Sophie. because she doesn't have any friends that are talentless right now--the closest she's got is Marella, who I think is still legally considered talentless with her pyrokinesis. it's been acknowledged that she doesn't think the way talentless are treated is right, but it doesn't impact her right now so she's not really doing anything about it. maybe if this was brought back later with someone like Jensi, then that would be a satisfying conclusion to this issue (not a conclusion, but it wouldn't be left hanging, if that makes sense). And I can understand the benefit of leaving things open to go back and explore later from a writers perspective, but at a certain point it becomes more of a hindrance to the story than anything else.

and exillium! I have so many thoughts on Exillium that I actually started talking about it earlier in this post. They're not doing anything unless prompted and what they do is the bare minimum. With the tents and the food, they aren't fixing Exillium, they're making it into what it should've been at the very least were they going to actually go down that route. So I can't praise them for it when it's just basic decency to provide literal children with food and shelter when you force them to be somewhere they don't want to. But all this doesn't fix Exillium, because the problem is that it exists in the first place. The problem is that the council saw children who were struggling, and decided the best thing to do with them was to just get them out of the way for everyone else. Three coaches total for leadership? yeah, there's no way that place was ever supposed to be "alternate learning" or however Oralie phrased it, that was just so you could say you hadn't completely abandoned them in the middle of nowhere.

you're so right about the council fucks up bit--I think the most obvious example of this is with Sophie's ability restrictor. Yea, she's not wearing it anymore, but that's not because the council changed their minds. It's because she broke the law and the didn't punish her for it. this is a great example of how things keep trying to move forward, but the council isn't doing anything to stay up with it. "they are selfish and violent[...] but that never changes." yes!! this!! you put it so well! the council is still the same old council that we saw in book one, concerned with their own interests and their own views, just trying to mitigate the damage Sophie and her friends are capable of doing to their system. Note: the fact that a handful of teenagers who haven't even graduated can do this much damage might be telling of the structural integrity of their system. Bronte and Terik did a little flip, and Alina replaced the Now Crispy Kenric, but aside from that nothing has changed.

I will say, I personally don't want it to be clear who the good guys and bad guys are. (not saying that's what you're asking for! just piggybacking off your comment on the confusion). I'm glad that the characters make me think and I'm grateful there isn't just the "we're good and they're bad" element you see in other stories. not that that's bad, i just think realistically they'd be more complex and their simplicity grows repetitive after a while. But like I said, at times it feels like there's too much going on for there to be a clear message, which in and of itself could be the message. i could be seeing something where there's nothing, though. I think part of it might be Shannon trying to take on all these complex narratives and perspectives with a limited perspective (as in she only has Sophie to tell the story through), while also needing to make it enjoyable and palletable to a young audience.

and I agree with you! I think it's a lot of the potential we see not being used that makes us so infuriated (or me at least). Because there are some stories yo uread where you're like "ah. it's just one of those stories. cool." and you move past it. Because you know it's going to have a set perspective and you know it's going to accomplish what it wants, but Keeper seems to have so many possibilities and Shannon's getting stuck in this rut of good and bad after so long. maybe we'll get out of it in the next book with sophie thinking the Black Swan was in the wrong, but I also wouldn't be surprised if that Didn't Happen.

it's just like what i was saying about Ro! There's all these opportunities for these characters and this world to be really explored and fleshed out and complex, but we've gotten stuck in this romance drama and loosing fights again and again with little progress. All their actions are undoing the Neverseen's actions and counting it a victory because no one is dead. I just think there could be so much more that we're not getting because the story tried to go too broad when it wasn't ready for it.

this response got very long but in essence: I agree with your assessment of the story. is frustrating to see so many of the details and paths we'd like to see explored that often aren't in fiction just pass us by.

there is a special place for keeper in my heart and I will always appreciate it for that, but I also mourn what it could've been.

(also: you are not too angry! you have genuine thoughts about this series and they deserve to be heard! we are allowed to have complaints, even about the things we like. we don't have to appreciate every single aspect and we're allowed to be mad at the things we don't like.)

[iamanartichoke]

I started to reblog this post on my dash, but then I ended up writing a long ass reply bc apparently I care about the how shitty the school system in America is? Which was news to me, but regardless, by the time I finished I didn't want to reblog it anymore bc it had strayed from the point of the post and was mostly just me yelling into the void -

- but, I mean, I wrote it and everything and now I have to do something with it, so, well, have a random brain dump about the US school system.

This isn't even a fandom post, smh.

___

I mean, obligatory 'I used to be a K-12 teacher' and kids are fucking messy. Like. When I was a teacher, kids weren't allowed to eat in the classroom and I would still be pulling empty chip bags and candy wrappers and half-eaten dum-dums and drink bottles from kids' desks every single day. And the gum, my god. They really will stick that shit anywhere and everywhere. These were high schoolers, not kindergarteners. I can't imagine what it would be like if eating was allowed.

So, I mean, "no eating/drinking in class" is a reasonable rule.

I get the spirit of the OP and absolutely agree with it, btw. Kids aren't animals and aren't robots, either, and the strictest teachers take reasonable rules and use them to be power-tripping assholes to kids and that's not okay.

I just think that "kids should be allowed to eat/drink in class" isn't exactly the conversation we need to be having here because it's not the real issue. The conversation we need to be having is, why does the structure of our school system lend itself so easily to reasonable rules being unreasonably enforced?

For example, why is the kid hungry in the first place? Bc their day is ridiculously long; the first bell was at 7:30am and they had a slice of pizza for lunch at 10am and the day isn't over until 3:30pm. That's an eight-hour day; an adult on an eight-hour shift gets two 15 minute breaks and a 30 minute break for lunch (assuming their work place follows the law, which is another conversation). Kids get 25 minutes, 15 of which are spent standing in the food line, and 4 minutes between classes, all of which are spent getting from one class to the next without being penalized for walking in late. Bathroom? Good luck. Snack break? Pfft.

And the power-tripping teacher who treats that hungry kid like an animal by refusing to let them go to the bathroom or eat a snack? Here's a not-so-secret from the inside: teachers who are in it for love of the profession are rare. Most of them feel powerless against admin, parents, the school board, the state. They can't even create their own curriculum anymore bc it's all "collaborative" and "meeting the standards" and all that matters are test scores and the test scores are skewed data that doesn't actually matter and the teachers know that but they can't do anything about it. The pay is abysmal, the benefits might as well be nonexistent, the unpaid work builds and builds, and there's never any pencils. The kids are the only people they have any say over, and they abuse that power in order to feel important bc their jobs fucking suck and when you're a teacher, 80% of your life is spent on your job, so your life probably fucking sucks, too.

All of which is to say, teachers shouldn't be treating kids like animals or robots, but kids shouldn't be hungry in class in the first place. The structure of the school day needs a complete overhaul to allow for flexibility and meeting the needs of growing human beings.

And in order for that to happen, the entire system needs to be redesigned. Teacher pay needs a huge increase in order to attract people who love the profession but also want to make a comfortable living. The budget needs to be redone so teachers aren't constantly paying for materials and classroom decor with their own money. The curriculum and the standards need to be re-evaluated. Standardized testing needs to cease to exist. Teachers need to be allowed to be creative and fluid in their lesson plans; they need to be allowed to teach things that matter. Get rid of those shitty ass desks and chairs and invest in something less permanently damaging to one's joints and posture. Get some more fucking windows in those god-awful buildings.

"Teachers should let kids eat/drink in class" is a solution to the illusion of the problem. The rule is a symptom of the overall broken design. So how do we fix that?

[bread-tab]

an antidote to social anxiety

or: i ramble at length about my thoughts on my own debilitating social anxiety and how i'm genuinely starting to get over it through one weird trick™ you can try at home.

i'm in this ongoing process of making myself remember that people are people. it's easiest with strangers on the street, harder with my family and friends, harder still with people on the internet, and most difficult of all with myself.

what does that mean? does it mean this is all a game to me, that i read your posts every day and judge you like a fictional character, that i don't care about anyone's feelings?

no.

what it means is that i'm autistic and have social anxiety, adhd, trauma, leftover identity issues from being trans, and a lot of ocd and dissociative tendencies—things that add up together into my mind being a dark, funky little place that i don't feel entirely at home in. there's probably varying levels of depersonalization involved, i don't know enough about that particular symptom to say. (something i should really probably look into more.)

anyway, what i'm trying to get at here is like, the cognitive side of all that. how it affects my thinking about people. how i relate to both others and myself. i've developed detachment as a defense mechanism.

i care immensely about people. maybe too much. i take things too seriously, i struggle to tell whether people are joking, and i'm way too anxious about every interpersonal thing ever. and that's just too much to process while i'm actively in a social situation. so, i push it to the side. i mask it. with the side effect of my mind going blank, and having trouble reacting emotionally to anything. someone tells me bad news? oh dear, i'm vaguely worried. someone tells me good news? oh nice, i'm vaguely worried. but i'm aware that that's an inappropriate response, so i fake an appropriate one—but i fake it as honestly as i can. i take a split second to go into the best social-analysis-genius mode i can muster and ask myself (without so many words, it's more of a feeling), how would i react to this if i wasn't incredibly anxious/feeling like i'm faking being a real person? and i can usually figure that out, and channel it, and it's almost as good as the real thing. almost.

(but hey, optimistically...maybe this is one of those fake-it-'til-you-make-it things. maybe i'm genuinely training myself out of having anxiety and back into having authentic reactions.)

and this works okay as a coping mechanism. it doesn't actually fix the anxiety, but it allows me to actually interact with people sometimes without spontaneously combusting in sheer terror.

thing is, that anxiety is still there, underneath. it's got deep roots. that anxiety warps how i perceive people. it warps my sense of self. and sometimes, when i'm really tired or really depressed...it gets out. it contaminates the mask. i find myself acting snarky, cynical, flippant, sometimes even genuinely mean.

and then i come back to myself, in the moment or after a good long sleep, and i go, that's not me. that's not who i really am. why did i do that? it's mortifying.

and that shame just reinforces the entire social anxiety cycle. fear myself, fear others, mask/put up walls, get tired, slip up, and worsen the fear. i'm not actually a bad person. but treating myself as if i was makes me a worse person than i would be if i could just somehow let all this anxiety go and be real with people. if i could forgive myself for being human.

so as to how this internal struggle relates to how i see other people... it messes with my empathy.

because like, that whole golden rule thing, "treat others the way you would want to be treated"? yeah, that doesn't work for me. i still try it as a thought exercise sometimes because i'm desperate. and it goes like... "how would you like to be told bad news?" either dump all the details on me right now (yes, trauma-dump, i need to know) or fuck off and deal with it yourself. don't ask me for help, i have my own issues, i don't have energy for you. "how would you like someone to comfort you if your pet died?" i wouldn't. i'd be too busy blaming myself and stewing in self-hatred. hit me up if you're an honest-to-god actual necromancer, otherwise leave me alone.

and uh, that's not who most people are! that's not even who i actually am! that's the full fermented toxicity of my social anxiety laid bare. because that thought experiment means i have to imagine being in a situation that would make me anxious and my response would involve imagining what i would want if i wasn't in that situation and that's where the whole thing breaks down because that's just too goddamn much for me to imagine at once. so i seem to get stuck on the anxiety, and damn, anxiety-brain is just in full fight-or-flight "leave me the fuck alone or else" mode.

so hey, it's very easy for me to empathize with people who are panicking! that's a plus.

the obvious answer to this little conundrum seems to be just...try that little thought experiment again but imagine not being anxious in the first place. and like...jeez, i wish i knew how to do that. i'm working on developing the emotional intelligence skills to be able to do that. i'm just really not there yet. i'm continually surprised by positive emotions, in other people and myself.

surprised and relieved. like, that person over there is feeling cheerful! thank god, jesus christ, i forgot everyone isn't severely depressed. wow, this thing inspires me with childish wonder! holy shit that's a real emotion? oh hey, me and the person i'm talking to right now are both calm and confident. sweet motherfucking pancakes batman i thought this only happened in movies!

so like...to bring this back to my original point... it's hard for me to realistically predict how people will react to things. up to and including myself. when i was a kid, i had really low/delayed empathy, maybe even impaired theory of mind, if that's a valid way to put it. (something i've struggled to convince my therapist of, because now i'm like this.) and as a teenager i realized i'd gotten fucked up somewhere in my development, and i care, so i got anxiety. so i try to think through it and i end up with either hardcore sherlock-holmes-style analysis or just panic that forces me to give up and distract myself. and the point is, i've ended up with a really screwed up twisted way of perceiving people.

and yet. miraculously. i've found a loophole.

i've somehow learned to sidestep the entire monstrous mechanism of my anxiety.

the frustrating thing is i don't really have the words to describe it.

it kind of feels like i've hacked the matrix.

it's like...

it's like i can put so much analytical energy into the social mask where everything is real pretending to be fake pretending to be real that i can just break through and come out the other side. like wait. everything is fake. so i'm free. so i can just be real.

and that just sounds like i'm saying, "hey, i figured out how to turn off my anxiety."

which is so wrong! i didn't! i'm actually still terrified. and i can't explain the reality of this breakthrough without all these miles and miles of background details because it just sounds obvious and/or fake.

reality is made up actually, so just do whatever.

your fears aren't reality. that's all in your head.

...well, i live in my head. i've had to get to this point the hard way. i'm glad some of y'all start out here and don't have to figure all this out for yourselves (seriously, not /s, i'm glad not everyone has to go through this)...but i've been down a different path.

so what does it mean, that "people are people"? that i have to remind myself of this, and that the reminder eases my anxiety?

i think it means i've developed a completely new concept of what a person is. what it means to be human.

and at the same time, that old anxiety-driven perception is still there, my social anxiety still gets triggered on a daily basis. and what i'm trying to do is notice that i'm using that old concept of "person." i'm trying to switch to the new concept. and that completely reframes the entire situation.

i can't encapsulate the old concept in a single word. it's the unsociable hipsterly refrain, "i hate people." it's person (derogatory), person (threat), person (predator). it's the competitive, hierarchical instinct...people are either ideals on pedestals or demons who have fallen from said heights. people is the generic popular kid from tv who will inevitably bully you for no reason, the sitcom studio audience who will laugh at the expense of everything you say. people is the eldritch, unknowable other, the alien intelligence that can outsmart you while remaining inherently unpredictable. it's barely even a concept of its own, really; it's a trigger, a vaguely person-shaped (friend-shaped?) sensory appendage attached to the network of anxiety nerves in my brain.

so i'm rewiring. i'm just going "fuck that, 'person' now means this other thing." it's infuriating how simple that sounds when i've put years of blood sweat and tears (aka, therapy) into getting myself to the point where it can happen.

and i don't want to understate that effort but... it is simple. if you're reading this and you have social anxiety and autism yourself, i want you to know it gets simpler. it gets easier to understand. you have to figure out how to get yourself there, and that's really hard, that's the struggle. but it's a solvable problem. it's possible.

and my new concept? i can't sum that up in one word either. it's humans. person (affectionate). my people. clever little creatures, like if you mixed a raven with a racoon and made it really tall and good at throwing things. warm beings that are so incredibly loving and loyal. but that makes it sound like i'm sanitizing humanity, making up a fake palatable version, and i'm not.

i'm constructing the concept of 'human' from new foundations, and i'm not leaving anything out. i'm building this concept in a hundred different ways, from so many starting points of different concepts that already make sense to me.

one starting point: babies. because i love babies and my social anxiety just doesn't apply to them. a baby can't hurt me. it's a baby. but a baby is also a person. a baby has every human need, and they'll let you know it with unbearable screaming because they don't know any other way to communicate. a baby is incredibly smart and focuses all of its energy on transforming into an adult, which is generally highly effective. babies are scarily competent. but they're also just...baby. small, soft, adorable. just literally baby.

and i can look at literally anyone, even the people who scare me the most, who in reality resemble person (old definition, threat, predator) more than they do person (new definition, literally just a little creature)—i can look at that person and go, dude, that was a baby once. i can look at a politician who could ruin my life with one stroke of a pen and mentally say, "that's a two-year-old with a gun." which is still a terrifying and heartbreaking scenario, but it's an effective reframe. it completely changes my role in the situation. it doesn't make me any less wary, it doesn't invalidate my sense that there's a real threat, but it changes the threat into something knowable and i can allow myself to be calm.

don't get me wrong, i'm not in the habit of infantalizing people. "baby" is just one ingredient out of many in the reconceptualization i'm using as an antidote to my anxiety. it's a variation on the old cliche, "imagine everyone in their underwear." just another reminder that underneath our serious, intimidating exteriors, humans in general are silly.

and i don't usually bother going that deep into a metaphor, in my daily life. i don't need to. all i need to do is remember to invoke the new concept instead of the old one.

with that one shortcut, i remember everything:

people are just little creatures

people are cool and amazing

people were babies once

people are just doing their best

people are silly

people are sweet

people are knowable

people are okay

i'm a person and i'm okay

we're okay

...and boom, i'm out of the matrix. phew. alright. i can handle this. i can take down the unnecessary defenses. we will not be needing the rocket launchers today. and suddenly even the darn the golden rule works, because what people (new concept) want isn't so complicated after all, and i'm no exception. i just want to be treated as a person (affectionate), not a person (derogatory).

so, daily reminder: people (old concept) are actually just people (new concept). people are people.

[willowlark369]

Competition Drama 02

Judge: ADD and ADHD are also not a mental illness, they are a Learning Difficulties. There is a difference. I understand that to those that don't work in that area, or deal with those with Learning Difficulties, it seems like the same thing, however, it isn't. People with Learning Difficulties have fought to be seen for who they are, and not to be treated like something to be fixed. Children with Autism, ADHD, Downs Syndrome, they were all born that way, it's who they are. When sites or people claim some of these are mental illnesses it's due to being part of the medical model of disbaility, which is out dated and doesn't consider the individuals. I'm going to stop myself from preaching, I have worked in this area all my working life, so it's something I feel very strongly about. If you want to understand the difference you can look at the MENCAP website.

Me: People are also born with bipolar disorder, OCD, and schizophrenia. When you preach that some neurodivergences aren't mental illnesses, you ignore the difficulties that they present for individuals with them. There's a significant difference between autism and Downs Syndrome. One is a mental illness and the other is a chromosomal disorder that affects the whole body. The fact that you lump them in together and claim to be a professional is very worrisome to me. I wouldn't want someone who would do that to work with either my kid or me.

------------------ Taken into PMs ---------------------

Judge: I didn't want to continue this on the forum. I don't want you to think that I am having a go, because I am not. What is being talked about it actually quite contravercial in the area caring for those with learning disabilities and Autism. You seem fairly bothered by what I am saying, so I won't continue and try to 'make you see things my way'. I will say that what I have been taught is based on what people with those sorts of disorders and conditions believe about themselves and wish other to see them as. It is also not medically correct to say that it is a mental illness and this group of people dislike that assumption.

I can tell that you care, and I hope you can tell that I care too. I think that is enough for us to get along?

Me: I'm sorry, but if you want to believe that a mental illness is not a mental illness when medical professionals and individuals with the condition understand that it is, I cannot believe that you are not "having a go" or that you care. This is not a topic where "agreeing to disagree" will work. You (and by extension, the Competition) are telling me and other autistics that we do not have a real mental illness and are just incapable of growing past a certain point. You are infantizing us. The fact that you feel that you cannot say this in public also says that you know that there's something wrong with it. I've had this discussing with the Admin as well: There should be no hidden discussions. If you want to make a ruling that is contrary to reality, fine, but own what you are doing and be consistent. If you cannot accept one mental illness as what it is, then you shouldn't accept any of them. If your reasoning is that a person is born with autism and that's why it doesn't count, then none of the conditions that people are born with (ADHD, OCD, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia) should count. But don't make a claim that is not true and frankly, insulting, and then get upset when people call you on it.

Judge: I am really sorry that I have upset you. I can assure you, I mean no disrespect at all, and I speak from my experiance as person that works in the united kingdom with a whole range of children with various difficulties. I have worked with those with Autism too, though I do not consider it to be a learning difficulty, though I can see where it looks as though I have 'lumped' them together. I just happen to be a care worker that works with children with a range of conditions.

I am wondering if actually this is more to do with the countries that we live in? I don't know where your from, but in Britain, it's seen as politically incorrect. Based on neurological conditions and psychiatric conditions. Mental illness is seen as psychiartirc condition whereas as far as I have been taught in my own professional capacity, that Autism is Neurologial. In britain it is most definately something I would actually get in trouble for stating in the work place - as children with autism do not have psychiatric condition. If you are still unhappy with my explanation of myself and my words I can only apologise and research this myself further, I would not want to offend or hurt anyone - it's really not in my nature. I can honestly say that I am very upset that I seem to have caused offense or hurt through what I have said. Having heard your point of view, I take it seriously, and I mean no offense - seriously. I can tell that I have upset you, and for that I am sincerly sorry.

As for you thinking I am 'having a go' I assure you that I am not. I have spoken to you politely and respectfully, even if views differ. I can understand now that this is a senstive topic for you too, and I hope that you understanding where I am coming from with the term 'mental illness' and what it means where I am from, you can see that I don't mean to disrespect or belittle anyone. I only took the conversation of Forum as I thought it was senstive and I wanted to be respectful. That is my intention

Me: It might be a terminology issue. In the US, a mental illness is any condition which originates in the brain; affects the perceptions; and interferes with the ability to perform everyday activities (especially necessary social, work, or family activities). One would not assign a neurologist to the treatment team of an autistic, even though a neurologist may be brought in to rule out other potential causes of the symptoms. A psychiatrist would be, however, given that autism is often comorbid with other conditions which require medication and the autism often creates unique challenges in the individual being treated. A psychiatrist would also be the person giving the diagnosis of autism, which makes it a psychiatric condition, even if there aren't any other conditions diagnosed at the time of the initial diagnosis. A neurological condition would something like epilepsy or migraines. Basically, something which affects the way that nerves (including the ones in the brain) communicate with each other.

I apologize if I came across as too aggressive, but literally everything in my life has taught me that I cannot let things like this slide without speaking up. In order to get any kind of accommodation, one must be prepared to push against people dismissing the need for them, often by using the same language that you did. Years of advocacy work has also shown that a lot of people have misconceptions about what the real dangers surrounding individuals with various neurodivergences are. There is a negative connotation given to the term "mental illness", due to decades of villainization of psychiatric conditions. For that reason, a lot of people have pushed for use of the term "neurodivergence", "neurologically divergent", or "atypical neurology".

I really feel if you (and the competition as a whole) wanted to show sensitivity on the topic, then you would not have included it in the first place. There is a lot of discourse going on concerning how to respectfully handle representation in writing and there are entire blogs dedicated to how to handle that. I would love to see more encouragement to include accurate representation in writing, but what I do not wish to see is exclusion of smaller groups within a larger group on the basis that they aren't "really" a part of the larger group. That kind of gatekeeping is not helpful to anyone in need of that representation.

Judge: You should never apologise for taking these things and speaking up! I think it's great, and I have learnt something here, something I am greatful to have learnt. I would say you were defensive - in a good way! I would hate to make anyone feel like that they needed to defend themselves, or a group. Part of my job is pushing for things on the behalf of children, so I understand. I work specifially with children in the care system who don't have parents to fight for them. If you hadn't pushed, I wouldn't have learnt something that will change how I relate to people.

I can concour that the term 'mental illness' has negative conotations for people in the UK - in fact a lot of medical terms are deemed inappropriate. I think this is because culturally, people in this country have used many medical terms as insults and thus the meaning becomes intirely different. This isn't just in relation to Autism, many areas. I guess this could answer to why I was a little defensive also.

I do think that The Competition wanted to show sensitivity. I was not on board as Admin when the rounds were thought up, but as far as I am aware one of the Mods has experiance of this, and I can only assume that they would have wanted this to be used in a senstive and positive way. As I gather it's a subject of great importance to them too, from another angle.

If you have any ideas that you think would be beneficial for future rounds, something you think would be both positive and respectful, by all means mail them across. I am sorry if you feel that the competition didn't wish to be respectful. I cannot speak for everyone, but as for me, I respect you a lot, it takes courage to speak out in a public forum like that.

----------------------- Later ------------------------

Judges: [proceeds to extract revenge against the team as a whole for protesting]

Me: Yeah. "Courage" is needed alright.

Team: [proceeds to write submissions centered around their complaints with the judges] Suck on these lemons!

[survivingfmandcfs]

hello! I'm the anon who doesn't have a diagnosis yet, I talked to my doctor and she says that before the rheumatologist she's going to send me to specialist that's in the health center I go to. I'm very scared that this person will say I have somatic symptom disorder because I'm an idiot and all I said to the doctor was where I was experiencing pain and that I had severe fatigue, I had made sure list with all of the symptoms and out of anxiety I forgot to tell her, she's going to call me next Wednesday to see what we're going to do. the thing is that since I already have anxiety it will be do easy for them to just say I have somatic symptom disorder without doing anything else? and I'm pretty scared about that. sometimes I feel like I can't trust my judgement since I have anxiety and somatic symptom disorder could be an option, but i also feel like she's straight up downplaying my symptoms because the word psychosomatic sounds fake, like it doesn't hold any weight to it and it's just a way to not look more into things and it makes me feel really small, and is like....if you have more "real" illness (the ones that can be proven are not just a bunch of symptoms glued together) they take you more seriously I guess? and all I have are syndromes like depression and anxiety (social and generalized) but I'll guess I'll have to wait and see what happens next week

Hi Nonnie! Sorry it took me a bit to get back to you - I wanted to make sure I had enough mental energy to give you an adequate response.

First some advice: bring your list with you to the specialist, and try to remember to mention those other symptoms to them. I would also talk to your primary doctor again and tell them you had another list of symptoms that you forgot to share at your last appointment. It may or may not make a difference, and it might just mean that you’ll definitely have to go see the rheumatologist, but that’s a good thing. And of course, you should make sure that your rheumatologist gets the list.

I went ahead and did some googling about Somatic Symptom Disorder, because I wanted to make sure my information was accurate. So here’s a quote from the Mayo Clinic Website about it:

Somatic symptom disorder is characterized by an extreme focus on physical symptoms — such as pain or fatigue — that causes major emotional distress and problems functioning. You may or may not have another diagnosed medical condition associated with these symptoms, but your reaction to the symptoms is not normal.

You often think the worst about your symptoms and frequently seek medical care, continuing to search for an explanation even when other serious conditions have been excluded. Health concerns may become such a central focus of your life that it's hard to function, sometimes leading to disability.

If you have somatic symptom disorder, you may experience significant emotional and physical distress. Treatment can help ease symptoms, help you cope and improve your quality of life.

Here’s what I understand from that description: Somatic Symptom Disorder is an overreaction to physical symptoms that you do have. It is possible to have a real, physical health condition in addition to Somatic Symptom Disorder. Your doctors should be searching for a cause and attempting to treat those physical symptoms. And Somatic Symptom Disorder itself is also a real, diagnoseable condition that should be treated with compassion and care. Any doctor who uses “psychosomatic” or Somatic Symptom Disorder as excuses to ignore a patient’s distress is a bad doctor and you should get a new one.

Not knowing is scary. Health anxiety is very much a thing. But anxiety should not be a reason for a doctor to refuse to treat your very real symptoms. When I was searching for my own diagnosis, I was very open with my doctors about my (undiagnosed, at the time) anxiety and depression, and how they related to my other health struggles. But they were separate issues. Some of the symptoms overlapped, yes, but some of them did not. And my doctors acknowledged that and in the end I was able to get help for everything that was going on, not just bits and pieces.

When I was first (sort of) diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, it felt like a junk diagnosis. Like it was just something to throw at me so I would go away and stop bothering my doctors with things they didn’t know how to fix. But then I actually started reading about it more, and doing my own research, and I discovered that Fibromyalgia is actually a really well-recognized condition with very specific criteria for diagnosis - so specific, in fact, that while Chronic Fatigue Syndrome can look very similar from an outside perspective, there are actually distinct differences between the two that allowed me to be diagnosed with both. So while these things can look like they’re just a bunch of symptoms lumped together in a “idk what’s wrong with you” box, there’s been a lot of thought put into which symptoms actually fit into that box.

This got really long. But I hope that it helped you, at least a bit. I hope that your appointments go well and that you’re able to get a diagnosis and treatment that will help you. I’m sending so much love your way, my friend, and I’ll be thinking of you.

[mylesrgpo911-blog]

<p>Get rid of acne fast. that's something practically naturalezax.com/es-malo-para-ti-o-bueno everyone who's ever suffered from it wishes to do. Skin problems can make even the simplest daily tasks into extremely undesirable circumstances. You will not require me to tell you that if you've suffered for any length of time. Continue reading to learn exactly how to eliminate acne fast.</p><p>Tomato and likewise Cucumber Paste: When you get the vegetables, you blend them together. You can contribute some drops of water to get a great insert. Wash the face prior to you choose to apply the insert. Enable it to remain for 25 minutes prior to you wash it off when you have used your paste. Apart from the capability to remove pimple scars, they are likewise normal astringents and <a href="https://naturalezax.com/lucha-contra-la-gripe-fria-con-bicarbonato-de-sodio"><em>this is what he said</em></a> can in addition relieve the skin.</p><p><iframe src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/m3bie1nzmI0" width="560" height="315" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe></p><p>One popular and really easy way to <a href="https://naturalezax.com/agua-plana-de-barriga">https://naturalezax.com/agua-plana-de-barriga</a> get rid of pimple <a href="https://naturalezax.com/miel-y-canela-para-una-buena-salud"><strong>who knows mrs Swanton</strong></a> scars is the drinking of water frequently. Water helps keeps your skin well hydrated. You are anticipated to drink a minimum of 8-10 glasses of water per day so regarding flush away bad and harmful toxins away from your body. Consuming water will make your skin appearance healthy.</p><p><img src="http://www.pimplestap.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/03/types-of-acne.jpg" style="max-width:500px;height:auto;"></p><p>In order to keep a natural balance in your skin, it's necessary that you clean your face just twice a day. Why? Cleaning more than twice a day can dry your skin and can actually trigger breakouts. What you are going for is a healthy oil and wetness balance in your skin. Don't permit yourself to become dehydrated (see Idea 5). After you wash you face, follow with a great toner and moisturizer.</p><p><iframe src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/qDbs5o7BFqg" width="560" height="315" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe></p><p>Completely remove alcohol - There is blended opinion about alcohol being a reason for acne. For some individuals, consuming alcohol doesn't trigger them acne. But for some others, consumption of alcohol causes acne. As for me, I didn't have any acne concerns when I first started drinking.</p><p>There are numerous treatments for acne and you can opt to use them concurrently. I just suggest natural solutions to acne. Do some of the products promoted on tv aid lower the look of <a href="http://www.salisbury.edu/health/services/acutecare/acne.html">More hints</a>? To a point, yes they do. What you need to remember with those items is that much of them contain chemicals that can have unwanted side results. A few of these products may even trigger the acne to end up being even worse.</p><p>Whatever you spend of this gadget is essentially needs to be cash that you want to bet with. No matter how enthusiastic you might be about the science behind this item, do NOT expect miracles. There's no method to tell whether these heat treatment gadgets will keep your skin looking perfect or if they'll fail to work with your skin type, and wind up as restroom decor.</p><p><iframe src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/UtUEW5rBn8c" width="560" height="315" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe></p><p>It is particularly important to secure your skin from extreme sun direct exposure if you are vulnerable to acne. While a tan may assist camouflage your acne momentarily, in the long run it will just intensify the issue. The repeated drying of the skin from sun direct exposure will increase oil production and result in more breakouts.</p><p>If those toxins sit in your body for too long it can lead to some very serious issues, one thing you should think of is. Including circulation issues, arthritis, and joint discomfort are just a couple of issues. More serious issues might turn up too, so you can see why a colon clean can be so useful to you. Plus you can at times fix issues that you may already have with a colon cleanse. Like mentioned above irregularity, acne, and numerous other issues.</p>

Those unpleasant, unpleasant red bumps you get after shaving can mess up a beach day. Razor burn, an inflammation of the hair follicles, takes days to recover on its own. Taking a couple of safety measures prior to you shave can conserve you a lot of discomfort and sorrow.

Acne Complimentary In 3 Days: https://slangsnowboard.com/rafaelemqj965/get-rid-of-acne-fast-thats-something-practically-naturalezax-comes-malo-para-ti-o-bueno-everyone-whos-ever-suffered-from-it-wishes-to-do-skin-problems-can-make-even-the-simplest-daily-t-2/ Farewell Acne In 1-2-3!

Boils can be brought on by several things. The Staph bacteria is the most common reason for boils although boils can likewise be triggered by an More hints signs, an infected cut and even by some antibiotics. Often times it is a person that is close to you that has Staph and triggering you to have boils. This makes it all the more tough to treat and get rid of them.

Numerous suggest drinking at least eight glasses of water every day. This helps your digestive system and also your circulatory system, and assists your body be in much better condition. , if your body has the best quantity of hydration you will have the ability to ward off infection such as the germs found in acne..However do not exaggerate it. Consuming too much water can be hair follicle symptoms unsafe, and really more damaging than not consuming enough. So stick with the 8 glasses per day standard and inspect with your doctor.

Different Kinds Of Hair Removal Methods

Few strands of hair fall as the part of typical hair development cycle. But some individuals might experience extreme hair fall which is more than typical cycle. Extreme hair loss can impact females, children and guys.

Losing Website link your hair follicle treatment is a real issue not just for males, however even for some women too. Maybe you are experiencing exactly what it seems like direct to be dealt the blow of thinning hair. Now is the perfect time to make a change in the way your hair grows.

Significant Factors Contributing To Acne Formation

Typical individuals like you and I frequently need a little work in order to boost our confidence and looks. Losing hair certainly isn't really a method to make this happen. So let's take a look at a few of the best routines for growing back hair so that you can look your finest always.

The hair roots require to be looked after for hair to grow well. This includes making certain they are nourished. Using hair conditioners, moisturizers and lotions will help to keep the hair healthy, motivating its You can find out more development.