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purelafemme · 5 years ago

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“There is a divine order, a divine flow to our lives. We don’t need to have all the answers. But our job is to keep dreaming and trusting enough to put one foot in front of the other. To keep moving forward. To keep pushing beyond whatever feels confining. To keep searching for where the magic is. To continue expanding, staying open to being stretched. And allowing room to be completely awed by how much better it gets along the way.” -Elaine Welterworth

The end of any year is always an important time to pause and reflect on everything that has transpired over the past 12 months. But the ending of this particular year of 2019 signified a more urgent desire for quiet time to think and sort out my thoughts. This year made the first full year since graduating college, a.k.a my first experience into being in the land of wtf that comes with post undergrad/adulthood. I choose my career goal the summer after my sophomore year of college. Fast forward to me now, three years in the future, and shit wasn’t going smoothly as I would have liked it to go. And I’m realizing that’s okay. This road to attempting to get into a PhD program has come with a lot of tears and lessons, but also presents an opportunity for me to learn and grow.

The main goal I had set for this year was not met-- A seemingly, rushed sudden decision made in mid-August after my subsequent breakdown taking a GRE prep test in the basement of the infamous Lamont library. This decision came with a feeling of disappointment that I did not have the time to fully reflect on and grasp. My lackluster performance in this program, as well as the stress of the GRE, build up immense burnout, and the anxiety of starting over, made the task of applying to PhD programs at this time just too daunting for me. The stress I had subjected myself to over the past year could no longer just be dealt with. It was taking its toll in its most ugly form, and my spirit struggled to stay afloat. All the while, the questions I began to ask myself at 23 were unthought of to the former bright-eyed 19 year old I used to be.

Did I really need a PhD to do what I wanted to do in my career?

How will the pursuit of this degree fit into the grand scheme of my life?

Perfectionism. Impossible to achieve, but highly sought after by many. Including myself. My insecurities growing up manifested into the desire for perfectionism in my undergrad years. Cue my desire to be a lawyer, the career I aspired to pursue as a 16-18 year old, given my limited perspective of how I could make a lot of money and be in a position of power and influence. Having thankfully realized that the legal profession was not all that it was cracked up to be, and that practicing law would not invirgorate me with a sense of passion, I abandoned this goal the summer after my freshman year. But a new shiny career quickly replaced my former dream, a similar profession where I could also be in a position of power and make a lot of money-- however now, it dealt with a topic I really enjoyed; economics. My experience at MSU that summer, although a challenge, confirmed my desire to pursue graduate study in econ.

It’s actually pretty silly now that I think about it, but I never stopped to ask myself one important question. Just because I really liked economics, does that mean I need to get a WHOLE ASS PHD in it ? I never looked into econ-adjacent careers or masters/PhD programs relating to applied economics. Having gone to an underfunded, mid-tier liberal arts HBCU with a small econ program, I hadn't been exposed to real econ research. Yet I had made the decision to spend six years of my prime adulthood slaving over a PhD, and to dedicate my whole life to a career in research. Hmmm.

One of the problems with being black, as one of my mentors like to say, is that we always receive information “late”. And I damn sure was hella “late” into learning about all the hurdles and what it fully takes to get through a PhD program in economics. Another problem with being black is that inherently you grow up with less; with less money and with less resources. The idea of not having to pay for PhD was attractive to me, cause who the hell wants to sign up to be in 40k worth of debt in student loans for a masters? As shallow as it may seem, this also was a key factor in attracting me to a PhD.

I’ve always liked to think that even though I didn't come from the best background, that If I worked hard enough I could compensate for it. But no one really speaks about how having to work twice as hard to be half as good can take a toll on your mental health and self image. And as a young black women, who seeks balance and a desire to shed herself of insecurity, I began to question whether or not pursuing a career in one of the most academically challenging field at the most prestigious University in the world was the right move for me. I also began to confront the reality of the personal sacrifices I would have to make in order to achieve this goal, and the how this would inevitably lead me to neglect other parts of myself and what that would mean for my future.

If I back down from the decision to get a PhD, I don't want it to be because of fear that I am not smart enough. However, I think it is important for me to realize that my previous background did not prepare me for the rigor of graduate econ, and to accept that I will have to put in extra work. And that’s also okay. Hence the importance of giving back. But whats not okay is me chasing some idealized, perfect successful version of myself to combat feelings of insecurity I experienced in my childhood growing up.

I think this chapter in my life is called patience. Being a naturally impatient, worrisome person, I am plagued with fear about my next steps leaving Harvard, and contemplating if I no longer go down this route, how in the hell am I going re-route and pick another career field. But I know I need this time to be still and to think about not only the career that I want, but also the life that I aspire to have. Even though I don't know whats next for me, I am excited for God to reveal himself to me and the plans that he has for my life. I know that I am intelligent, and that I have an amazing work ethic and I have the ability to cultivate the network I need in order in order to get the job, or create the job of my heart’s desires.

I know these next two-three years will be good to me, and that God is going to show up in amazing ways in my life. I just need to be still and listen to the omens, and be willing to listen. It’s my chance to boss up and figure out what I really want. I just need to take it one step at a time and trust my inner self. So cheers to new beginnings, cheers to this upcoming period of transition, cheers to my impending growth. Everything will work itself out if I just believe.

12/25/2019.

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lewigm-blog · 5 years ago

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Newsletter 3.5: With just a few loaves and some fish we can all do the Magis

Published August 22, 2019

“Taking the five loaves and the two fish, and looking up to heaven, he said the blessing, broke the loaves, and gave them to the disciples, who in turn gave them to the crowds. They all ate and were satisfied…”

- Matthew 14: 13-21

This one goes out to all those who have fed me when they thought they didn’t have much to give. It is because you give, that I am where I am today. Surely those efforts have helped others out as now it is me who is sharing more loaves of bread and fish than I thought I had.

During our misa a few weeks ago, Matthew’s gospel passage had me reflecting on the magis, which for those who don’t know is a Jesuit/Latin comparative adjective meaning “the more.” This is something that Saint Ignatius constantly reflected on and challenged others in. At any time, it is to be and give more of yourself to others, yourself and, by nature, God as well. I have had countless opportunities to live out this magis during my time as a JV. I could always give my students and community more attention, a project more of my energy, and be more present during mass or during “Peruvian” meetings. While these are just a few situations in which the litany and struggles of life have tempted me from performing at 100%, I recognize that it is a completely normal thing to experience from time to time.

In the world of a volunteer and, I imagine, a professional, the temptation to be and do “enough” will happen more than once and can affect other areas of our lives. It can sneak into our routines subtly and casually (as sin usually does), but it can also happen all at once through traumatic events such as the death of a loved one, an accident or any other unexpected tragedy. You may very well be experiencing this difficulty in your lives now as Jesus did upon hearing the news of the death of John the Baptist during this past week’s reading. Like Jesus, we may want to retreat from the world to recover from a difficult moment but sometimes God has other plans for us and puts people in our lives that call for us to be more. In this Gospel reading we see that Jesus still tends to the needs of the people, performing miracles and constantly giving more of himself for others even when he may not be at his best emotionally. It is during these experiences that we are tested and pushed to the limit as people. Sometimes it is the people we give all of ourselves to that are the ones goading us, pushing us closer to the brink of giving up.

The children of Israel lamented, “Would that we had meat for food! We remember the fish we used to eat without cost in Egypt…But now we are famished; we see nothing before us but this manna.”

*This one does hit home with me literally as the frequency and access to meat was much more readily available back in the states than here in Peru, but I digress…

Oh, how ungrateful the Israelites were! Oftentimes, our service or jobs have us encountering and accompanying people who complain and fail to recognize the love in our labor as Moses experienced. Our children, students or anyone else who depends on us might be crying out for something that we aren’t exactly offering or feel obliged to offer. The hope is that they are seeking the magis, but it usually isn’t phrased or perceived this way. It can present itself as moaning and groaning after the students’ “reward” for finishing their work early is yet another worksheet. It could also be in the form of blank stares of silence and indifference after showing them what you initially thought was interesting or profound. God forbid you try to get your students to think a bit more critically! Maybe it’s just an off day for you and them and they’re not ready to understand why you teach this way. They might not even know what their words or actions are doing to our spirit, but it can be tough to keep moving forward from this. I haven’t had a formal education in teaching so why am I here anyway? All these thoughts have raced through my mind while I’m in school teaching.

“Why do you treat your servant so badly?” Moses asked the LORD. “Why are you so displeased with me that you burden me with all this people?... Where can I get [meat] (insert whatever applies in your vocation) to give to all this people? For they are crying to me, ‘Give us [meat] for our food.’ …If this is the way you will deal with me, then please do me the favor of killing me at once, so that I need no longer face this distress.”

Well we certainly don’t want to push Mr. Moses, cause he’s close to the edge (for the song reference click here). In the book of Numbers (11: 4b-15), we see an image of a frustrated, on-the-edge Moses (and at times Luis during 6th grade Catechism classes) going through a difficult experience. I remember feeling this way several times after the initial “new teacher” grace period was over. Some of my students wanted to test me and push me and see what would happen. Thankfully, I didn’t let it bother me too much initially, but after some time and external responsibilities piling up, I began to show my inner Moses.

Curiously enough, my session on the Ten Commandments for my 6th graders in June had me wanting to pull my hairs out. We were about about a month away from the mid-year break and the kids were starting to show their readiness for the vacation. This session was supposed to take only one class, but it spanned two, hour and a half sessions across two weeks. The session seemed simple as I asked the students to find the scripture passage on the Commandments, read it as a group (popcorn style) and then identify 10 or so commandments. A few of the commandments weren’t explicitly written out and this threw them for a loop. Once the 30-minute ordeal was over, I grouped them by table and they were to write on papelón, or big paper, their assigned commandment and provide an illustration of one situation in which people followed the commandment and then one example of people disobeying the commandment. The activity dragged on and the students did not want to cooperate. I was growing frustrated as I struggled to maintain order in class, so I asked them to present their illustrations. The results were sad, but hilarious.

The “Best” of the presentations on the Ten Commandments

Perhaps not the most kind and loving way to teach, but I am still learning and feel that I have a sense of humor to uphold. After this episode, there were constant breaks in our lessons week to week as events would come up that would leave several weeks between religion classes. It is important to note that we teach religion once a week, which only made matters worse. This lack of organization at Fe y Alegria, my waning patience, and an overall lack of commitment to much of anything brought me into a low and apathetic state. I eventually fell into a trap of copy-and-paste lesson planning. I would provide relatively simple lessons that summarized the celebration, origin of a Saint or an image of Mary that was conveniently packaged into a video that I found the night before, or morning of class. The unoriginal and unengaging sessions could be likened to that of a substitute teacher plan that I had always dreamed and hoped for as a middle schooler myself; It was a shortcut way of “teaching” if one could call it that. In hindsight, this period was when my flame and passion for JVC and teaching flickered and grew dim. Utterly disheartened, inexplicably exhausted and seemingly drained of creativity, I found myself in a power save mode of myself.

This change didn’t happen overnight, and I still struggle to pinpoint its origins, but I realized that it wasn’t healthy place to be. It led to a lack of enthusiasm in many aspects of my life, namely with my JVC community, local relationships with coworkers, and then to family and friends from home. The JVC values of simple living, social justice, spirituality and community were also reduced greatly and often neglected. I was, as some of my Spaniard friends say, in la ubi or a critical point in my life. Thankfully I just had to make it until the mid-year break in order to see my girlfriend and lifegiving force Cat. But even with these brief feelings of excitement, I would wakeup exhausted and knew that I just needed a break. When the opportunity to sign up for the Spiritual Exercises came up, I took them seriously in the hope that it would restore me to the gung-ho, high energy JV I knew I was. I was hoping to encounter God and myself, and thankfully I did.

The 3-day experience of the Spiritual Exercises was a refreshing dive into the deep end of spirituality that came at the right time. I had always been in the pool, but I think I wasn’t doing myself any favors by staying in the shallow end for so long. It helped me reset and reassess what was important to me and let go of anything that wasn’t conducive to my growth and wellbeing. I used Dean Brackley’s The Call to Discernment in Troubled Times as a guide through the exercises and what moved me the most was his chapter on forgiveness. I was having a hard time accepting the fact that we are all sinners and have to ask God for the grace to accept ourselves.

“From a gospel point of view, appreciating God’s healing mercy is more important than fixating on our defects. For what frees us is knowing that we are acceptable and accepted, not as a prize for being good, but in spite of being not so good.” (29)

This quote, among others in the book, helped me to understand the way that God sees us as people in need of constant forgiveness. It might be the reason why Jesus helped out those folks who followed Him even when He wanted to be off by Himself. We are certainly imperfect creatures and it isn’t easy to admit that we are flawed and are in need of forgiveness. This self-forgiveness leads into other areas of our lives and helps us to recognize that those we serve also need forgiveness and patience. It works by both offering it whenever possible, but also accepting it whenever we need it. If you think about your own professions, the same might be said about you! I understand and appreciate this now especially as a teacher myself. Along with my own classes in primary school I also assist with the preschool in the mornings. I am more than aware of the amount of energy and patience is necessary to manage 30 children for several hours at a time! Something that the exercises that helped me reflect the goodness in the day was to review one’s day, week or year in this way:

Where was God in my day today? Where was it easy to find Him? Where was it difficult? How have I helped another? How was my energy or mood in that moment? Where do I draw my energy to continue forward when I begin to grow tired? Is this sustainable? Why or why not? This is simply a way of focusing less on the errors in our ways of teaching and more on the goodness of our service and labor. I am all too aware that I have a hyper-sensitivity and criticalness to how I live out my day and this can bog me down easily.

Something that helped me slowdown and be more was being assigned the chore of taking out the garbage. The unfortunate part about having the garbage chore is that the truck comes on Saturdays and you must unload your garbage whenever the truck arrives (between 6:30-8:00am) or else the company doesn’t pick it up. I took the morning and chore silently as I walked through the main plaza of Andahuaylillas and appreciated the stillness and beauty of the surrounding mountains. While I waited for the truck to arrive, I saw a short elderly woman that I had never seen before getting her garbage out onto the street. She came closer to me and advised me through hand gestures that the truck was on the other side of the street. I realized that she was deaf and tried her best to communicate with me. One of the reflection readings for the Exercises and this moment had me thinking about how Jesus healed the deaf man in (Mark 7:31-37). I also thought about how Jesus was reaching out to the poor and marginalized and gave them the opportunity to feel heard and listened to. I decided to sit down with this woman and let her feel heard, even though I couldn’t understand most of what she was saying.

I began to see and appreciate the way God works through people. It was as if He was telling me to stop and listen to others. It didn’t take much effort, it only took some time, patience and presence for me to be fulfilled in that moment. It might not seem like much, but the magis that I speak of is much like this. The magis isn’t only the great moments that transform the world noticeably, but a simple outpouring of self when you don’t have to. I used to think about how people sometimes seem to be “slowing me down” with a hello or how are you, when in reality these are the opportunities to be more for others. It is an opportunity to lean into someone’s life and be there to ask them the same. It is a habit that builds with time and mindful reflection. The Exercises have taught me to pray for God’s grace to be able to encounter Him more whenever the time or opportunity arises. It seemed foreign to me when I first truly heard about praying for grace, but it has improved my ability to find God in all things, large and small.

An example of how kindness imprints on the heart. Ben, a former JV, being embraced with one of his old students from his time here four years ago

This has changed my outlook and attitude on the kind of teacher I want to be. I feel more capable of giving myself over to the lives of the students and other teachers. I have a newfound source of patience with the kids, and it has already made a world of a difference. That isn’t to say that I haven’t slipped here and there, but I am much more mindful of the moments that we do have a productive session or activity. Even looking back before the Exercises, I realized that I did have fantastic moments of learning and discussion. It has happened less than I would like since working with primary school aged students is (roughly) 75% classroom management and whatever is left over is for learning material. I use learning loosely as it isn’t only about knowing concepts, but also the development of the whole person. Although we can build a tolerance for workloads and social obligations, we need these hiatuses from time to time to turn our low battery mode selves into a high-performance version of ourselves as well. When we are able to reach the 110% range and beyond, we can work and function more creatively and spectacularly for and with others.

The preschoolers are learning to cut hair and take on some adult responsibilities such as reading magazines

Ordering the mass by events! I learned a lot myself by planning this activity.

It takes constant reflection and humility to be able to discern what our hearts are craving, but we must also ask for God’s grace to develop this skill. We may at times feel that we know what we need to be our full selves, and to an extent we do, but this knowledge is slowly revealed to us by God through people and experiences. We might believe that we crave one thing (type of food or drink), but in reality, what we needed was another (appetizer) that reminds us to stop and savor the moment (food) we are chewing now. I want to thank those who have given me exactly what I needed even when I didn’t know I needed it. These folks are the educators in my life who taught me the invaluable lessons of hard work, reflection, and self-empowerment that have kept me going. This is for all those in the counseling/ after school programs, coaches, family, friends and all my mentors in between. A number of you are on this list and know who you are. Keep on with the magis attitude but also give time for yourselves to rediscover or reignite that flame if you are ever feeling exhausted or overwhelmed with work. Even Jesus needed lunch breaks from time to time, so once again thanks for sharing yours.

Matthew 14: 13-21

Peace,

Luis

P.S.

I would like to hear you tales and moments of feelings of burnout and being overwhelmed with life, and how you have moved past this. Teachers of mine! I ask that (if possible) to please share your stories, because I am sure that I have likely been the culprit or source of some of that grief at some point or another. (Whether that be sleeping in the front row of class or something from my time as an angsty teenager!) I look forward to hearing from you!

For more pics click here! https://photos.app.goo.gl/Ay3FwhQEGCoRQ3oj9

(Full reading here)

#magis #JVC Peru

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gzdude13 · 6 years ago

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The Girl and the Closet by GZDude13

The following are select journal entries from the many journals belonging to Shelly Mary Jones

August 29, 2006 Dear Diary,

Mommy and Daddy are making me start writing in this journal after I got in trouble. Marcy is a girl in my class. I barely started the second grade. Marcy was mean to me and took my brand new markers without asking so I pushed her and called her a goober. I was sent to the office and my mommy and daddy had to come and talk to my teacher. They said I was fighting, but that was not true. The principal talked to my parents about bullying and they said they would talk to me about it too.

So today I am writing in this diary as there-a-pee or something like that. Daddy told me that if I’m mean to others then the dark eye monster will come and get me. They said that the dark eye lives in the dark parts of the world like shadows and sewers or under my bed and loves to go after bad kids. Kids that bully other kids and hit or call them mean things. My teacher says that I am too smart to be a bully and should focus on being a good student. I think from now on I will be good even if others make fun of my red hair and freckles.

From now on I will be a good girl.

January 25, 2010 Dear Diary,

I came home crying from school today. I get made fun of a lot at school even though I do my best to be kind to everyone. Today I think I reached my limit because I ended up slapping Jenny after she pulled my hair. She was mad at me because she has a crush on Brandon and he likes to talk to me during lunch. She and her group of friends came over to my table when I was alone and started saying mean things about why I always sit alone. I tried to be nice and tell her that she had the wrong idea, but she only chastised me for putting on the “good girl” act. When I tried to answer her she yelled “shut the fuck up bitch!” and pulled my hair. I didn’t mean to slap her, it was just reflex. Mom and Dad are going to be so disappointed.

I’ve heard the rumors… everyone thinks I suck up to the teacher and that’s why I get good grades. Everyone says that I only pretend to be nice and pretend to be sweet because I like the attention from the adults. My parents use to scare me with stories about the DarkEye monster to make sure I didn’t turn out to be a bully. I guess it stuck pretty well because even though I know my parents are going to flip out over me getting detention I’m more scared of going to sleep tonight because of the DarkEye monster. It’s such a stupid childish fear to have, but it’s still there.

January 26, 2010 Dear Diary,

I had a really bad nightmare last night. I went to bed still feeling really guilty over what happened with Jenny yesterday. It didn’t help that my parents were pretty upset with what happened at school either. I am effectively grounded for the next two weeks… I guess I deserve it. But the worst part was the night after. I dreamed of a black shadowy demon with the darkest glinting eyes I had ever seen. It was the DarkEye monster my parents use to scare me with. I know the DarkEye isn’t real and that it’s a childish and stupid tactic my parents used to keep me in line, but it felt real in my dream. It was pitch black yet I could still see two eyes that were darker than black and shined like polished onyx.

I woke up sweating and panting as if I just ran a million miles. The DarkEye isn’t a real thing, my parents made it up, but just in case I’m wrong I promise to be a better person. I promise to be kinder to people no matter what.

October 19, 2016 Dear Journal,

It was a fairly good day today. The student council members all met up during our open period in the morning and we agreed on all the decorations for the Halloween dance. Edgar Ochoa asked me to go with him, but I politely turned him down. Shannon doesn’t have a date and I agreed to go with her and the rest of the girls as a group. We’re all going with themed dresses and outfits. We agreed that no costumes should be allowed at the dance, only themed outfits. The teachers will be in charge of how that craziness will be defined.

As a side note, I think we have to address the issue of bullying in school again. I’m going to bring it up tomorrow because today while walking to my 5th-period class I had to step in and stop the jocks from bullying Sean Snider. He’s an easy target because he’s a little shorter than the average high schooler and a bit awkward. I can relate a little bit because I use to be made fun of for my bright red hair and pale skin. Devin Martin and Jerry Shoemaker seem to be the ringleaders in most fights and bully-related issues on campus. I’ll talk to Mrs. Hartwell and Mr. Terrance tomorrow about the issue.

July 4 2017 Dear Journal,

First off, HAPPY 4TH OF JULY! It was a fantastic day… up until the end. It was a Tuesday, so I had to go to work and then come home for a lunch break before meeting up with mom and dad for a BBQ. Keeping with our yearly tradition we headed to the park to watch the fireworks when the sun goes down. The city went all out this year! There were a ton of awesome stands selling funnel cakes, hotdogs, pretzels, and even a German wiener stand! Nothing says American patriotism quite like German sausage, haha!

But now for the negative part of my day… I saw Sean Snider again today. I honestly think he really is stalking me. I don’t get any weird messages or anything online and so far I haven’t really felt like my life is being directly affected by him, but he has come into the coffee shop several times during my work shift including today. I’ve seen him at the store while applying for classes at college, and today at the park. I literally bumped into him at the German sausage stand. I turned around to walk back to my parents to get some cash and walked right into him! I know I’ve mentioned before that I think he’s following me around, but today I think this proves it. He’s being a little creep! The way I bumped into him really disturbed me. He’s so short that when I turned around and walked into him… just… ew…

April 6, 2018 Dear Journal,

Oh god, I haven’t been sleeping well during the past few weeks. I’ve been having nightmares and end up waking up around 3:00 am. I started having nightmares around July of last year. I know what it is too; I’m stressing and letting in negative thoughts. I have to try and stay positive and polite, but honestly, some people are complete garbage! I notice that the only nights I have nightmares are the days when someone ticks me off.

The nightmares are always the same too. That stupid childish monster my mom and dad made up to keep me in line… DarkEye… In every nightmare I see it creeping after me, slowly getting closer and closer every night I dream of it. I’ve gotten into the habit of looking under my bed and in my closet just in case there are monsters hiding there... namely DarkEye. Maybe I’ll start meditating again and try to think more positively.

April 9, 2018 Dear Journal,

Between college, work, and the possibility of having a constant stalker, (I saw Snider the creep today AGAIN!), I am stressing out and people are pissing me the hell off! Every night I have the same nightmare of DarkEye coming after me. I wake up at 3:00 am and find my closet door open when I’m sure I closed the damn thing!

I’m probably just being a drama queen, but I keep up the façade of being unaffected by the bull crap people throw my way. My coworkers talk smack about me behind my back and have accused me of going as far as sleeping with the boss to get my promotion. Two of my teachers are completely incompetent when it comes to grading papers, and I swear that sniveling little hobbit, Snider, somehow memorized my daily schedule because I see him EVERYWHERE! I’m just glad he doesn’t know where I live.

April 11, 2018 Holy shit journal!

My patience is being tested today. I woke up again last night and again my closet was wide open. I’m driving myself insane because this time I could have sworn I saw a monstrous dark figure stepping out. I managed to get my desk lamp on only to find myself completely alone, seriously the DarkEye is just make-believe. Going back to sleep was hard, but I got a bit of sleep afterward and managed to make it into work on time. My coworkers were being the usual assholes again. College life is just as annoying as usual. My professors must be retarded or drunk because they don’t seem to understand the course material at all.

I need to get a hold of myself. Maybe working and going to school is burning me out. I’ll try to slow down and relax for a bit this weekend. Also, I’m going to sleep with my lamp on tonight just to try and keep the nightmares at bay. This is getting ridiculous…

On the evening of April 12th, 2018 local media reported on the brutal murder of Shelly Mary Jones. In the following weeks, police and investigators used Shelly’s journals as well as the statements of witnesses in her neighborhood to piece together the events leading up to her death in the early hours of April 12th, 2018. Shelly was found by police responding to a 911 call made by concerned neighbors who reported hearing screams emanating from Shelly’s property a few minutes after 3:00 am that morning.

She was discovered lying in a puddle of her own blood in her bedroom. Her body was covered in bruises and multiple lacerations. Evidence discovered on the scene included: A large carving knife, taken from the victims kitchen, a blood-covered baseball bat also belonging to the victim, a cellphone and camera on the outside of the victim’s bedroom window with pictures of the victim taken from the outside of her home, DNA samples on the outside of the victim’s bedroom and bathroom windows, and multiple fingerprints on and around the outside of the victim’s bedroom window.

Witnesses reported hearing screams emanating from Ms. Jones’s home a few minutes after 3:00 am. The neighbor on the east side of Ms. Jones’s property reported hearing a loud crash as if someone knocked over some trash bins. The neighbor on the west side of Ms. Jones’s property was awoken by the sound of screaming and also reported hearing a similar crash that made him step outside in time to see a short man running down the street with a visible wound on his arm trailing blood.

Further investigation proved that the camera and cellphone found on the scene belonged to a man named Sean Caleb Snider. Investigators believe that Mr. Snider had developed an unhealthy obsession with Ms. Jones. Ms. Jones wrote about her suspicions on the very matter in her personal journals. Evidence suggests that Snider allowed his unhealthy obsession to build up to the point in which he began to gain entry into Ms. Jones’s property while she was asleep.

Investigators believe that on the night of the murder, Snider gained entry into her property, retrieved a knife from her kitchen with the intent to assault Ms. Jones in her sleep. A struggle ensued which led to the death of Ms. Jones. It’s believed that the bat and knife found on the scene were both used to assault the victim. The DNA and fingerprints found on the scene of the crime came back as a match to the suspect in question, Sean Caleb Snider.

He was later arrested the same day by police who found him hiding under his bed at his parent’s house. He had sustained a similar injury as described by the neighbor that witnessed Snider fleeing the scene, furthermore, the injury matched the lacerations on the victim’s body. It’s believed that he sustained the wound during the struggle with the victim. The baseball bat must have been a weapon of opportunity.

Snider was arrested and taken to the local hospital to treat his wounds. He has not cooperated with investigators and has shown signs of extreme mental instability.

#Horror #Stalker #Monster #Creepy #Scary #Creepypasta #GZDude13 #DarkEye

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fevie168 · 6 years ago

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Thursday (August 16): "Lord, how often shall I forgive my brother?"

Scripture: Matthew 18:21-19:1

21 Then Peter came up and said to him, "Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?" 22 Jesus said to him, "I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven.23 "Therefore the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his servants. 24 When he began the reckoning, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents; 25 and as he could not pay, his lord ordered him to be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and payment to be made. 26 So the servant fell on his knees, imploring him, `Lord, have patience with me, and I will pay you everything.' 27 And out of pity for him the lord of that servant released him and forgave him the debt.

28 But that same servant, as he went out, came upon one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii; and seizing him by the throat he said, `Pay what you owe.' 29 So his fellow servant fell down and besought him, `Have patience with me, and I will pay you.' 30 He refused and went and put him in prison till he should pay the debt. 31 When his fellow servants saw what had taken place, they were greatly distressed, and they went and reported to their lord all that had taken place. 32 Then his lord summoned him and said to him, `You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you besought me; 33 and should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?' 34 And in anger his lord delivered him to the jailers, till he should pay all his debt. 35 So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart." 19:1 Now when Jesus had finished these sayings, he went away from Galilee and entered the region of Judea beyond the Jordan.

Meditation: Does mercy overlook justice? Justice demands that everyone be given their due. So when is it right to show mercy and pardon to those who have acted unjustly or wrongly? The prophet Amos speaks of God forgiving transgression three times, but warns that God may not revoke punishment for the fourth (see Amos 1:3-13; 2:1-6). When Peter posed the question of forgiveness, he characteristically offered an answer he thought Jesus would be pleased with. Why not forgive seven times! How unthinkable for Jesus to counter with the proposition that one must forgive seventy times that.

No limit to granting forgiveness and pardon Jesus makes it clear that there is no limit to giving and receiving forgiveness. He drove the lesson home with a parable about two very different kinds of debts. The first man owed an enormous sum of money - millions in our currency. In Jesus' time this amount was greater than the total revenue of a province - more than it would cost to ransom a king! The man who was forgiven such an incredible debt could not, however, bring himself to forgive his neighbor a very small debt which was about one-hundred-thousandth of his own debt.The contrast could not have been greater!

Jesus paid our ransom to set us free from the debt of sin No offense our neighbor can do to us can compare with our own personal debt to God for offending him! We have been forgiven an enormous debt we could not repay on our own. That is why the Father in heaven sent his only begotten Son, the Lord Jesus Christ, who freely and willing gave up his life for our sake to ransom us from slavery to sin, Satan, and death. Paul the Apostle states, "you were bought with a price" (1 Corinthians 7:23 ) and that price was Jesus' death on the cross. Through the shedding of his blood on the cross, Jesus not only brought forgiveness and pardon for our offenses, but release from our captivity to Satan and bondage to sin.

Set free from futile thinking and sinful living The Lord Jesus sets us free from a futile mind and way of living in sin and spiritual darkness. "You were ransomed from the futile ways inherited from your fathers ...with the precious blood of Christ" (1 Peter 1:18). Christ "gave himself to redeem us from all iniquity" (Titus 2:14). Iniquity describes the futile ways of wrong thinking, sinful attitudes and wrong behavior, and disregarding or treating God's commandments lightly. We have been forgiven an enormous debt which we could never possibly repay. We owe God a debt of gratitude for the mercy and grace he has given us in his Son, Jesus Christ.

Forgiving others is a sacred duty If God has shown mercy to us in granting us pardon for our sins, then we, in turn, must show mercy and forgiveness towards every person who has offended us. The willingness to forgive those who offend us is a sacred duty. If we expect God to pardon us and show us his mercy when we sin and disobey his commandments, then we must be willing to let go of any resentment, grievance, or ill-will we feel towards our neighbor. Jesus teaches us to pray daily for the grace and strength to forgive others in the same measure in which God has forgiven us (Matthew 6:12,14-15). If we do not show mercy and forgiveness to our fellow human beings, how can we expect God to forgive us in turn? The Apostle James says that "judgment is without mercy to one who has shown no mercy" (James 2:13).

Mercy seasons justice and perfects it Mercy is the flip-side of God's justice. Without mercy justice is cold, calculating, and even cruel. Mercy seasons justice as salt seasons meat and gives it flavor. Mercy follows justice and perfects it. Justice demands that the wrong be addressed. To show mercy without addressing the wrong and to pardon the unrepentant is not true mercy but license. C.S. Lewis, a 20th century Christian author wrote: "Mercy will flower only when it grows in the crannies of the rock of Justice: transplanted to the marshlands of mere Humanitarianism, it becomes a man-eating weed, all the more dangerous because it is still called by the same name as the mountain variety." If we want mercy shown to us we must be ready to forgive others from the heart as God has forgiven us. Do you hold any grudge or resentment towards anyone? Ask the Lord to purify your heart that you may show mercy and loving-kindness to all - and especially to those who cause you grief and ill-will.

"Lord Jesus, you have been kind and forgiving towards me. May I be merciful as you are merciful. Free me from all bitterness and resentment that I may truly forgive from the heart those who have caused me injury or grief."

Psalm 78:6-7,55-62

7 So that they should set their hope in God, and not forget the works of God, but keep his commandments; 56 Yet they tested and rebelled against the Most High God, and did not observe his testimonies, 57 but turned away and acted treacherously like their fathers; they twisted like a deceitful bow. 58 For they provoked him to anger with their high places; they moved him to jealousy with their graven images. 59 When God heard, he was full of wrath, and he utterly rejected Israel. 60 He forsook his dwelling at Shiloh, the tent where he dwelt among men, 61 and delivered his power to captivity, his glory to the hand of the foe. 62 He gave his people over to the sword, and vented his wrath on his heritage.

Daily Quote from the early church fathers: How often shall I forgive? by Hilary of Poitiers (315-367 AD)

"When Peter asked him whether he should forgive his brother sinning against him up to seven times, the Lord replied, 'Not up to seven times but up to seventy times seven times'” In every way he teaches us to be like him in humility and goodness. In weakening and breaking the impulses of our rampant passions he strengthens us by the example of his leniency, by granting us in faith pardon of all our sins. For the vices of our nature did not merit pardon. Therefore all pardon comes from him. In fact, he pardons even those sins that remain in one after confession. The penalty to be paid through Cain was established at sevenfold, but that sin was against a man, against his brother Abel, to the point of murder (Genesis 4:8). But in Lamech the penalty was established at seventy times seven times (Genesis 4:24), and, as we believe, the penalty was established on those responsible for the Lord’s Passion. But the Lord through the confession of believers grants pardon for this crime. By the gift of baptism he grants the grace of salvation to his revilers and persecutors. How much more is it necessary, he shows, that pardon be returned by us without measure or number. And we should not think how many times we forgive, but we should cease to be angry with those who sin against us, as often as the occasion for anger exists. Pardon’s frequency shows us that in our case there is never a time for anger, since God pardons us for all sins in their entirety by his gift rather than by our merit. Nor should we be excused from the requirement of giving pardon that number of times [i.e., seventy times seven], since through the grace of the gospel God has granted us pardon without measure." (excerpt from ON MATTHEW 18.10)

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joshuazev · 7 years ago

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On postseasons:

I’m doing something that I’m not very good at right now: multitasking. I’m writing this post and also watching the MLB postseason. I’m a sour grape watching this game on the TV screen. A bitter human being looking at the Diamondbacks and Colorado Rockies battle out the wild card game to see who will face the Dodgers in the NLDS. So Josh, why are you sour you might ask? Why are you bitter? Why are you watching with jealousy and envy? That sure doesn’t sound like fun. Well I’m gonna tell you why I’m not pleased with what I’m looking at. I’m not pleased with what I’m looking at because the Mariners haven’t been in that situation, haven’t been in the playoffs, haven’t played any meaningful type of game in recent memory. 2001. That’s the last time the lowly Mariners, arguably one of the worst baseball franchises in the baseball despite being home to many great players—past and current—have been in the playoffs. I was nine years old going on ten. Fuck does it make me mad. The salt in the wound is that the Diamondbacks have two Mariner players on their roster; Ketel Marte and Taijuan Walker. I was going to be jaded and say in typical Mariner fashion those two mentioned players were drastic underachievers during their time in Seattle, but the decision to trade them was a product of the way of thinking I just displayed. You see, when you haven’t been to the postseason in so long, your patience wears thin quicker than other franchises who taste the playoffs with more frequency. The reality is neither player got much of a chance to develop. I take that back, Taijuan Walker had a chance to do his thing over the course of a few years, but he wasn’t going anywhere for certain except to Aston Manor on Saturdays. So far, Ketel Marte is 2 for 2 in this game with an RBI. Taijuan is in the rotation, I believe. They have significant roles on their new teams. Good for them, I guess.

There is a classic photo of a young Alex Rodriguez holding the head of Joey Cora after the Mariners lost in six games to the Cleveland Indian in 1995. That series followed arguably the best Mariner playoff series of all time, when they were down 0-2 to the Yankees and came back to win the next three games. You know, the classic Edgar double that scored Griffey from first. That would seem like a distant memory except the Mariners have done their best job of trying to shove it completely down the throats of all fans, especially during losing seasons. “Hey fan, remember that time when you were three years old and the Mariners were in the playoffs and all was good?” The sad thing is when you can’t, anymore. Last year was an interesting year for the baseball side of my family. My dad grew up in Illinois. He grew up a Cubs fan and agonized and suffered throughout his life watching the Cubs get oh-so-close but never getting that cigar. He did tell me one time that if it was a World Series with the Mariners and the Cubs, he would root for the Mariners. I always thought that was interesting, but his reasoning was sound. His connection to Seattle over the last however many years was closer to him, more personal. Lucky for him he never had to make that decision because the Cubs faced off against the Indians. I was overjoyed for him when the Cubs won even though they almost lost it several times. Down 3-1 in the series, giving up the tying run in Game 7. They sure did their job of testing the stress limits of all Cubs fans both old and new.

I live in New York now where the attitude of 27 championships is as palpable as the everyday depression during Trump’s current dictatorship. The crazy reality about the Yankees is their merchandise is popular throughout the entire world. The hat, the jerseys, the pinstripes. And that’s in other places! Here in the city it’s a whole different ball game. The franchise is present all around you. The fans really act like they’ve just won the world series every previous year. Shout to their swag when it comes to their fandom. Their arrogance and cockiness is justified. Have you ever met an arrogant and cocky Seattle fan? I don’t think so. What reason have the Mariners given any fan to be cocky about anything. The Yankees expect nothing less than winning. Anything less than a championship is a failure. I don’t even think we would need to win 27 championships to develop that time of attitude. For starters, we might want to get to the World Series. If I’m not mistaken they might be the only team to never make it to a World Series. The Rockies have made it. The Padres have made it. The Brewers have made it. Hey, I’m not being a Negative Nancy, I’m just calling it how it is. There is no reason why the teams we’ve had in the past 25 years should not have made it to the Fall Classic. Ken Griffey, Jr., Alex Rodriguez, Edgar Martinez, Ichiro Suzuki, Randy Johnson, etc. That’s five future Hall of Famers. I’m not saying it falls on the heads of those guys because it does take 25 players to get there. Maybe they can be inspired by the Seahawks model of the past 5-6 years. Get a really good young core and build from there. At the moment there core isn’t going into their prime like the Seahawks were. Felix is on his way out. Nelson Cruz can only produce at this level for so long. Cano can’t do it all by himself. Seager sucks. This one sided conversation can go downhill really quickly.

So what does one do? Every team can’t get Theo Epstein to come for a couple years and completely alter the franchise into championship contenders. Griffey’s don’t come around all the time. What am I gonna do, start rooting for another team? The Mariners are gonna be around for the foreseeable future, so I can’t just become a players fan like I did with Basketball when the Sonics left. What’s the future look like for the franchise? Lately, it’s been a new coach every year. It’s been a new, sweet-talking, confident GM thinking he’s going to be the one to turn things around. The last one even gave me some hope, Dipoto or whatever his name is. The more I looked at the team the more I saw about ten players that played the same position and an aging roster. I saw a manager that had never managed a team before. I found myself asking “What the fuck?” frequently. I’ve never been fan of people running on the field, but if there were a couple that bolted to shallow center field and stretched out to make sign that read, “When are we going start taking this team seriously?” I’d applaud those dudes. Matter of fact, I’d go run on the field to give them a high five. I’m an asshole of fan nowadays. If we are playing like shit I make sure and let the hitters know, yelling out their batting averages and trying to light a fire under their super contented and unaffected asses. Kyle Seager is the worst to me. Seven years. 100 million dollars. They are just a running joke that everyone knows about, but nobody laughs at. Or maybe everyone does laugh at them, silently, and by not giving a shit. Shoutout to the fans in center field. Y’all are the best. Drink up my friends, drink up.

I am an eroded fan. A cynical one. Depressed one. A no room for optimism, realistic realist, who thinks there is an off chance the Mariners will make it the playoffs in the next five to ten years. Maybe make a World Series in the next twenty. Hopefully win one before I pass on. More than myself, I want them to be good because my Dad is a bigger fan than I am. He’s affected by their infectious losing more than anyone I know. It’s audible. It’s physical. You can hear it during conversations, during recaps and recollections. We’re both looking for a glimmer. Maybe the Cubs’ victory will spur something. Provide the good Juju that the stubborn baseball gods dole out every once in a while. You hear that Mariners?? Ya’ll got a job to do. You got a depressed, distracted fan base that needs something to look forward to. And not the look forward to that you guys tease us with every couple of years. I need legitimacy. Consistency. None of this false hope you provide until August and then the yearly losing streak that kills our hope and effectively ruins the season. Think of all of those wonderful left fielders who only lasted a year or two. Think of all the managers that tried so hard to make you watchable and left from exhaustion. I’m not saying it has to happen next year, but maybe it does.

Mariners 2018. Make the playoffs, make the world series, win the whole damn thing.

Deal? Cool. Can’t wait.

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fevie168 · 7 years ago

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Thursday (August 17):"Lord, how often shall I forgive my brother?"

Scripture: Matthew 18:21-19:1

Psalm 78:6-7,55-62

Daily Quote from the early church fathers: How often shall I forgive? by Hilary of Poitiers (315-367 AD)

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