#like. can't i just stop being mentally ill for thirty seconds please

[wheel-within-a-wheel]

(1/2): How confident are you, really?

10 on a scale of negative one to negative ten

[so-long-soldier-writes]

Make Me a Promise, Please?

kai parker x reader | requested

summary: sometimes the easiest way to deal with pain is to feel it upon your skin. but of course, there's consequences to that. for years, you've been able to hide your scars, though, as you'll quickly discover, you can't hide the truth from your boyfriend for long.

tags: hurt / comfort, s3lf h4rm, mental illness, protectiveness, confessions, soft!kai,

word count: 4.6k

It’s hard to stay afloat when it feels like you’re being pulled beneath the waves. It’s hard to convince yourself to stay strong, to fight, when life throws its punches. It’s easier to take a small fraction of that pain and turn it into something physical. To feel a little bit of it on your skin, rather all of it in your head. That’s what makes the addiction so hard to quit. It’s reckless and tragic, but it’s some relief, nonetheless. 

You avoid eye contact with yourself in the mirror as you reach for the blade again. The first ones weren’t deep enough; they didn’t satisfy the urge. You need something that hurts; something that will leave a scar; something that will prove you tried to fight the darkness that you feel. Biting your tongue, you cut again. Blood is drawn. You taste it in your mouth and feel it upon your skin. It stings, but it feels right. Like you’ve accomplished something. 

For a moment, you just stare at it. Gaze at the wound in your skin, dripping red onto the countertop. It takes about thirty seconds for you to realize it would stain, and only then do you clean it up, then tend to your wrist. A couple dabs to stop the bleeding, but in the midst, you accidentally glance at the mirror. Your own reflection stares back at you. Fresh cuts replace the old that never fully healed. Your nose involuntarily crinkles in disgust. The mind is a confusing place. It simultaneously hates the way you treat yourself, yet promises it’s the only way to ease the pain. 

Sighing, you face the person in the mirror, barely recognizing her to be yourself. It’s hard to remember when things started to get so bad. With a great amount of effort, you finally tear your eyes away and shuffle to your bedroom. A large, cozy sweater hides your arms well. The sleeves go past your fingertips, just how you like them to be. It’s comforting, and warm, and luckily, it’s autumn in Mystic Falls, so it’s not suspicious to wear such heavy clothes. 

The minute you collapse onto your couch, you get a text. Another sigh escapes your lips, afraid it’ll be Damon needing a favor, or Elena seeking relationship advice. But then the weight on your heart seems to lift when you realize it’s your boyfriend. 

kai <3: hi princess, wanna get coffee tmr morning?

kai <3: hey and did i use the slang correctly?

You smile. Kai trying to get in with modern-day texting slang is the most endearing thing. 

y/n: you did!

y/n: and sure, i’d love to get coffee. i miss you

His reply is immediate, as always. 

kai <3: i miss you too. i’m already excited :)

y/n: me too!

You turn on the remote and watch the channel already playing. Doctors always say it’s not good to watch TV before bed, but you’ll do anything to distract yourself from your mind. Though the TV soon becomes background noise as Kai texts you back. 

kai <3: we can go to the grill, which has coffee, unless you want somewhere else?

y/n: grill is good. we know the menu already

kai <3: okay that sounds good

kai <3: nine work?

y/n: perfect!

kai <3: okay cool

kai <3: hey and don’t stay up too late, princess. you need to get some sleep tonight

y/n: i’ll try

y/n: just for you

kai <3: honored, thank you

y/n: see you tomorrow :)

kai <3: can’t wait :)))

You and Kai have been dating for a couple months. He knows you have depression, but he doesn’t know the extent of it. You haven’t told him about any of your self harm and you intend to keep it that way. Kai has enough problems and trauma of his own to handle. You’ve convinced yourself he doesn’t need to know yours. 

Besides, you’ll get through it. You’ve always gotten yourself out of things, and you’ll get yourself out of this, too. It just takes time, you repeat. Time to heal. Mentally and physically. You take one last look at the swelling cut on your wrist. It’s raised and pinkish, but no longer bleeding. It’s fine, you tell yourself, I’ll be fine. 

••••

You’re not sure when you fell asleep last night, but sometime around eight the next morning, you suddenly wake up on the couch. For a moment you panic, but realize it isn’t that far of a walk to the grill, and you’ll be okay. If you’re late, he’ll understand. He’s been late to dates plenty of times for oversleeping.

So, with a deep breath, you do your morning routine and don on a new sweater, then head out the door to meet him. 

Conversation with Kai has always been easy. It’s almost as if you’re destined to be together, considering how close you feel with him compared to everyone else in your life. Most people you shy away from, or never fully trust, but from the minute he arrived in town, you’ve felt drawn to him. It’s nice, being able to part with someone, but then pick up where you left off the next day. That’s how it is with him.

“Hi!” He greets, smiling wide.

“Hi,” you say, a little less enthusiastically. You’re excited to see him, yes, but you’re still a bit upset at yourself from last night, and more importantly, haven’t had any coffee yet.

Kai picks up on this immediately. “Ohh, I see, you just woke up. Still need the first cup?”

“Stat.”

“Coming right up.” The waitress comes to your table and he orders for both of you. He memorized your coffee order a long time ago. “So,” he looks you right in the eye, “what time did you actually go to sleep last night?”

You break his eye contact and crinkle your nose. “I’m not sure, to be honest. Crashed on the couch.”

“Oh that kind of night! Wow!”

You fake a smile. “What time did you sleep?”

“Sometime between nine and two.”

“That’s a very large gap.”

“I may have also been a couch crasher,” he admits.

“Oh!” This time, your smile is real. You laugh at his confession, and he joins in happily. And like always, conversation just keeps flowing from there.

••••

Some hour-ish later, you’re still talking. Kai has been on a tangent for a while, but you’re happy to listen. Right now, he’s going on about the internet, getting so excited, he’s almost tripping over his own words.

“So, while I was scrolling yesterday, I saw this stuff called palm reading. I read about it, and it’s all this stuff about the lines on your hand and what they mean for your future. Like, let me see your hand.” Kai doesn’t give much warning between asking his question and taking your hand for himself to read it. Before you can answer, his fingers are wrapping around your wrist and his eyes focus on your palm. Immediately, the cuts burn from his touch. The deep wounds didn’t expect to be grasped so soon after being made, and a stinging shoots up your spine. 

You pull your hand away quickly, teeth clenched. “Ouch! Kai, that hurts!”

The boy drops your wrist in an instant. His eyebrows knit together in confusion. “I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to hurt you.” 

And he didn’t. In fact, his grip was very light. Maybe you were caught off guard, he wonders, but he certainly didn’t grab you tightly. 

“It’s okay,” you put your hand down under the table, “I just wasn’t expecting it.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I’m good. Sorry for overreacting.”

“You’re okay. But are you sure I didn’t hurt you? I’ve been working on being gentler.”

“I know you have, pumpkin. And I can tell. It’s my fault, I wasn’t expecting it,” you repeat. 

“Okay.” He tries to sound convinced. 

“What were you saying? Palm reading?” You bring the topic back up to take his mind off what just happened.

“Oh, yeah, uh. So you can tell, like, your future or fortunes, or whatever just by reading your palm. Or at least that’s what Google says. Man, the internet is huge. You can learn just about anything on there. Though I wish it would also tell me stuff like, where Damon is at this very moment, so that I can avoid running into him.”

“Someday it might be able to,” you half-joke. “But then he’d probably be able to Google where you are, too.”

Kai shudders at this thought, “never mind, I don’t want that.”

The two of you share a laugh, then your coffee date continues as normal. You keep your hands underneath your crossed legs, below the table, and hidden from sight. Luckily, he doesn’t ask about it, nor try to take your hand again. The incident was a close call, and you have to be less suspicious in the future. The last thing you want is for Kai to be worrying about you, especially when you’ve managed it on your own for so long. 

••••

That night, the floodgates that trap the darkest thoughts break. You can only keep them locked for so long before they find a way out. 

You stare at the cuts left on your wrist from last night. No longer open, but not yet healing. You trace them gently with your finger, and they hurt less. It did hurt earlier when Kai grabbed your wrist, but they were fresher then, and like you said, you weren’t expecting it. Despite the boy’s attempts to be more gentle, he does have a strong grip. It’s not his fault. None of this is. 

You pull the sleeves back over your wrists, and now with Kai on your mind, silently curse yourself. Why did you scold him for touching you earlier? How could you have let your guard down? Why did you drag him into your life in the first place? He has enough problems on his own without having to deal with yours - why were you so selfish to involve him? The boy has a lifetime of generational trauma to work through, plus decades of abuse and neglect from his family. His siblings feared him for no reason, until he gave them one, brought on by a tightened cord that finally snapped. He has all this, and you’re the one hurting yourself to deal with your pain. And sure, you have trauma of your own, but all your problems seem miniscule when you compare them to your boyfriend’s. 

Like making a hot stew, you throw point after point into the pot that is your mind. Your doubt, your fears, your decisions. Every negative thing you’ve tried to push away returns to the forefront, and it feels like you’ve just pressed the simmer button. It’s hard to stop the thoughts from flowing once they’ve taken control. You sink into the couch, tears welling in your eyes, hands shaking. A sob escapes your lips and you beg for everything to stop, but it only seems to make it worse. 

Then, in the middle of your panic attack, Kai sends a text. 

kai <3: hey, can I come over tomorrow night? we can watch a movie or just talk, idk. I don’t care what we do as long as I get to be with you

It takes you a minute to respond. The chiming of your phone cleared your thoughts, but only for a moment. They come back in full strength as soon as you read his message. 

You shouldn’t be with him. You’re a burden in his life; too many problems. 

You consider ignoring the text. Pretend like you didn’t see it. Answer after you’ve settled down. 

But Kai is clingy and sends a double text once a minute passes. 

kai <3: princess, are you there? 

Usually, you always answer him immediately. You know he has issues with abandonment. 

y/n: sorry pumpkin, i was heating up my coffee

y/n: tomorrow is good :)

kai <3: okay, cool :D 

y/n: okay <3

After that, your mind goes fuzzy. The thoughts haven’t left, but they’re not swarming, either. Your heart is racing from your panic attack, but the rest of your body feels paralyzed. You’re not sure when you calm down, but eventually, you return to a normal state. It takes a minute to peel yourself off the couch, though after a bit of movement and a cup of your favorite drink, you start to feel a bit better. Tomorrow, you think to yourself, you cannot sink. You cannot let the thoughts take over, and you must, for the love of all things, keep your sleeves around your wrists. 

••••

The next day is relatively normal. It’s an average day, with an average mood, neither good nor bad. But you’re grateful for this, because no highs or lows means you should be able to keep up a brave face around Kai. There should be no reason he’d suspect anything is off about you. Just keep your distance, and don’t let the mood drop. 

At about seven in the evening, you’re greeted with his charming smile at your front door.

“Hi.”

“Hi,” you smile back, welcoming him into your apartment. 

“How have you been today?”

“Okay. You?”

“Good, now that I’m here.”

“Cheesy.”

He gives you a wink, then asks, “have you eaten today?”

“To be honest, not really,” you admit, “a little.”

“Oh, princess, what did we talk about?”

“That I need more than just coffee.”

“Mhm.”

“I’m sorry, I forgot!”

“It’s okay, you’re not in trouble.” He makes his way to the kitchen, kissing your cheek in the process. “But I am gonna make you something now, okay?”

“Okay.”

“And it’ll be simple enough that you can make it in a jiffy if you need to.”

“Why would I cook when I can just invite you over?”

“Oh I would love for you to do that. But you also need to learn to make something, peach.”

“I can make myself food,” you pout.

“Oh? So what did you eat today?”

You roll your eyes. Kai then narrows his gaze, challenging you.

“Cup of noodles.”

“Did you boil the water?”

“I used the Keurig.”

“That’s what I thought. Alright, this is gonna be so simple, just twenty minutes. You pick your protein, pick your vegetables, and pick a couple of seasonings. Throw them all in a saucepan. Mix them around until the protein is cooked thoroughly and the vegetables are tender, and you’re done. I’ve got a little list here, for you, of what goes well with what, so you don’t have to guess or look it up yourself. It’s easy, and can honestly be fun, Y/N. I used to make these kinds of things all the time when Dad would let me cook. The kids liked it, so you should, too.” He ruffles your hair playfully. 

You shy away from his hand, not wanting your hair messed up, but it’s too late. “So I’m a kid? Thanks.”

“Oh, shush. You know what I mean.”

For a moment, you just watch him. You’re honestly touched by how much he cares for you - making sure you eat, and making a little list for you to go off of, too. You mentally tell your thoughts from last night to fuck off, feeling a lot more secure in your relationship now. 

“Sooo, are you gonna eat, princess? Or are you gonna make me heat up the Keurig? Because I’d much rather cook you something, or rather, help you cook something, than do that. Plus this way would be so much more fun.”

You can’t argue with his puppy dog eyes. “Fine. Only if you promise to help and don’t wander off and leave me alone with the stove.”

“I promise. No leaving until you’re comfortable.”

“Okay.” 

“Alright.” He points to his list, “pick which threesome you want.”

The term makes you giggle as you make your selection, and then you both get to work.

Ten minutes later, everything’s sizzling in the pan, and you’re cursing yourself for denying it’d be easy. Kai was surprisingly patient as you grumbled your way through the few minutes of preparation, but now he’s smirking at you as you admit it wasn’t that hard. 

“I told you, princess.”

“Hmph,” you reply. 

“Okay, this time is your turn to flip everything.” He hands you the spatula. 

“What? No, I don’t wanna!”

“Hey, no escaping!”

You quickly turn away, planning to do just that. 

“You said I can’t leave you, so you can’t leave me!” With a playful, yet serious expression, he reaches out and grabs your wrist to get you back. Just like yesterday, pain shoots up your spine, and you wince in response. Kai drops your arm immediately. You slap a hand over your mouth.

“You okay?”

“Yes.” You still haven’t turned to face him. Tears well up in your eyes. 

“That didn’t seem like you’re okay.”

“I’m fine.”

“Princess, look at me.”

“One second.”

“Y/N,” he starts, “what’s wrong?”

“Nothing, I promise.”

“At least look at me, please.”

Slowly, you turn to him. Panic heightens both your physical and emotional states, so you bet your face is reddening in addition to the tears forming in your eyes. “I’m fine, Kai.”

“I hurt you,” he concludes. “I didn’t mean to.”

“You didn’t hurt me.”

“Then what’s wrong?”

“Nothing, I just wasn’t expecting that.”

“You said that yesterday.”

Your lips tremble as he makes the connection. “Yeah, I just…” No good excuses are coming to you, leaving you to stare at him as he stares back expectantly. 

Kai then turns off the burner and reaches a hand out to you. You flinch immediately. 

A second later, you curse yourself again. Never, ever have you flinched at him. He’s never given you a reason to be afraid; you’ve always felt safe with him. And knowing how everyone else in his life has ever treated him, you swore to yourself you’d never flinch around him. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to do that.”

Somehow Kai seems to know it’s not him making you nervous. “It’s okay. But you need to let me know what’s going on.”

“I’m fine, I promise.” 

His jaw clenches, making you gulp. He’s not messing around anymore. Something is off about your behavior, and he’s going to find out soon.

“How about we do this tomorrow? I’m really tired and I want to go to bed.”

“Y/N-”

“Kai, please.”

“Has someone else hurt you?”

“No! I promise! I’m just… flinchy today, I don’t know. I’m not hurt. But I am really tired.”

He takes a deep breath, and for a moment, you think he’s going to give up. The words, thank you, dance on the tip of your tongue. A fake smile is prepared on the edge of your lips. 

But then Kai jumps forward and grabs your elbow with a strength you can’t fight. He pins you against the countertop, with a knee in between your legs, and his body nearly pressed up to yours. 

“Kai…” It’s not him that’s scaring you, it’s him finding out about your secret. Sweat beads on your forehead. You swallow hard. 

“Tell me the truth.”

“I… I can’t.”

“Y/N… you have three seconds.”

Even if you wanted to tell, you couldn’t. The words are stuck in your throat. 

“Three… two…”

You turn your head away from him when he reaches one. You can’t bear to see his face when he realizes what you’ve done. 

Eyes squeezed shut, you feel him roll up your long sleeves, then turn your wrist until the scars are visible. A deep exhale leaves his body, but he doesn’t let up on the pressure holding you to the counter. 

“Y/N.”

You don’t answer.

“Y/N, look at me.” When you still don’t reply, he puts his pointer finger on your chin to move your head. “Open your eyes.” 

“I can’t.”

“Y/N,” he tries a third time. His voice cracks a little. 

You can’t bear it anymore and throw your arms around his neck. His hold on you became weak when he saw the damage done, so there was no resistance to you throwing yourself at him. “I’m sorry.”

He responds instantly, hugging you back. It takes a second for words to return to him, though. “Don’t apologize.” He takes a deep breath. “Do you trust me?”

“Of course.”

“Jump.” 

You do, swinging your legs around his waist. Kai carries you to the couch, then sits you down with a blanket. He moves a little to the side, but keeps a hand on your knee. “Y/N, please talk to me. Is this why you’ve been hurting? When did this happen?”

Finally, you look at his face and see the tears threatening. You’ve never seen him cry, and the sight makes yours even more impending. “Yeah. It’s why. I, um, a couple days ago, I guess.”

“Why, princess? Why do you hurt yourself?”

“Just… stuff… Stupid stuff.”

“No stuff is stupid if it’s your stuff. Tell me.”

“I promise, you don’t want to hear it, it’s… stupid.”

“Y/N, please. I am begging you to tell me. Please.” He leans forward to kiss your knee, putting the puppy dog eyes on once more. “I need to know.”

And so, like a broken dam, it all comes gushing out at once. From the smallest reason to the biggest, from the first time to the most recent, to whom you’ve ever wanted to tell to whom you’ve actually told, you share all of it. Through all of it, Kai listens. His lip trembles like yours did previously, and his tears fall eventually, but he never interrupts you. He keeps his hand on your knee, rubbing it soothingly. It calms you down in a much needed way. 

“And, uh, guess that’s it,” you finish, some ten minutes later. “I’m sorry to dump this on you. I know you have your own trauma and stuff to deal with.”

“Don’t apologize. I’m glad you told me. And I’m sorry for hurting you when I grabbed your wrist those two times earlier.”

“It’s okay, Kai. You really were gentle, both times, but they’re just new, and will take a couple days to heal. And they’re not as bad as they look, I promise. The swelling will go down soon, and then I’ll just have some ugly scars.”

“I know,” he says softly. “We can have matching scars, princess.”

“Matching… what?” His words hit you painfully, “Kai…?”

“It’s okay. Mine are old. From my childhood, and some from the prison world. I won’t show you unless you want to see them.”

“Can I?”

He nods slowly, then takes an arm out of his shirt sleeve. 

“Both my shoulders,” he doesn’t say the rest of the sentence, showing you instead. White lines are scattered across his upper arm, some short, some longer. There’s more visible ones where his cuts were deeper, though some have mostly faded unless you’re looking for them. You knew when you started that the scars would never truly fade, but some part of you is still shocked to see Kai’s are still there after twenty years. 

“When was this one?” You point to a particularly deep-looking one closer to his collarbone. “What happened?”

“Oh, that was from Dad. Used magic to do it. Luckily, it was a one-time punishment.”

“Kai… I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. That’s all over now. And I have you, someone who I finally trust enough to talk to about it. Which is nice, by the way.”

You nod, then bite your lip. Again, he senses something’s wrong.

“What’s up?”

“I feel like my shit doesn’t even compare to what you went through as a child.”

“Oh, peach, it doesn’t matter who had it worse. Trauma is still trauma, and we can work it out together. I trust you, okay? You trust me?”

“Of course.”

“Good. Now, can you make me a promise about something?”

“I can try.”

“A try is all I ask for right now. Okay, the next time you’re feeling this way, can you come to me? Call, text, have me come over, anything. Let me help you through it before you take it out on yourself, because you’re not the one that should be punished, okay? Doing this is punishing yourself for shit other people are putting you through, and you deserve better than that. And take it from someone who knows, baby, I know it’s addicting, I know it seems impossible to stop, but you can. I haven’t done it in, oh, maybe ten years? It’ll get better; you will feel better. I want to help you get there, Y/N. Will you help me do that?”

You nod quickly, “okay.”

“Okay, sounds good. You are way too precious to lose, and I don’t want one of these cuts to get too deep, or anything like that. And I hate knowing that somebody or something is making you feel bad enough that you want to hurt yourself, but I’ve been banned from killing people, so I’m gonna focus my energy on helping you feel better, okay?”

You can’t help but giggle. “Okay, Kai.”

“There you go. That’s what I like to hear.” He squeezes your cheeks. “Cute little laugh. Can I have a kiss?”

“Mhm.” Both of his hands cup your face as he leans in to kiss you. One of yours goes to his cheek, while the other rests on his exposed shoulder with uncertainty. 

“It’s okay,” he mutters against your lips. 

You kiss him again, smiling. When he breaks it off, you trail your lips down his neck and to his scars. You kiss along his shoulder sweetly. The moment you pull away, he takes your palm in his hand to kiss your own scars. His lips are gentle against the raised skin, but there’s no pain. Your eyes flutter. You honestly love the feeling. In fact… 

“Kai?”

“What’s up, princess?”

“I love you.”

He stops, mid-kiss, and looks at you. “You love… me?”

You nod, excited to have admitted the words, and to have heard them fall off his lips. 

“I’ve never had anyone love me before.”

“Well I do.”

The hint of attitude in your voice makes him grin. You say the words like they’re easy for you. Words that he hasn’t heard in forever. The last person to utter them to him was his mother, with whom he never felt close. The last time she said them was when he was fourteen. Before he became the resident problem child; before his father forbid her to show any affection towards the boy. 

“I love you, too, Y/N.” He kisses her again, this time like his life depends on it. You return it with the same desire, and in that moment, he thanks himself for every decision he made that brought him to you. 

The next time you break apart, he clears his throat. “Now, if I may suggest a change of plans? Let me finish cooking over there, while you stay here and keep my spot warm. I’ll bring you some dinner and a glass of water. Then we can cuddle, or whatever else, talk, don’t talk, doesn’t matter. But I’d like to stay here with you as long as you’ll let me.”

“Okay,” you agree.

You sit tight for ten more minutes as he finishes cooking, and before you know it, he’s right back in your arms. As promised, you kept his seat warm by giving him your spot and then curling up in his lap. After you eat, your dishes retire to the coffee table, and neither of you move for the rest of the night. You fall asleep first, head on his chest and clearly content. Kai drifts off shortly after you, but not before muttering another, I love you, and softly kissing your scars one more time. 

[sheetsonfire]

We'll Always Need Each Other | Part 2

Fandom: Chicago PD

Characters: Jay Halstead, Sister!Reader, Will Halstead, Intelligence

Genre: Angst, hurt/comfort, fluff

Warnings: violence, swearing, abduction, ptsd, torture

Word Count: 4196

Requested By Anon: Hey ! From Resanoona I saw that you're making halstead sis imagines ! Can I request one were Jay and the sis have a big fight but then someone kidnaps her ? And Jay is all worried and when he found her she's like bleeding out (she's been shot) ? But she makes it and they both apology (fluff at the end) ? If you dont want to do it s'okay, just if you do it please can you put it with fem sis reader ? Not gn ? Thanks !

A/N: This is Part 2, here's We'll Always Need Each Other Part 1

Will scrubs at his beard as he tries to reconcile the thoughts racing through him. Approximately thirty seconds ago Will had been self-assured that the only course of action in this situation was to follow Jay into the kitchenette, potentially clock his brother in the jaw and chew him out for being so reckless with himself. Then, as his brother was reeling, he would remind Jay of the horrendous fact that this behaviour had come with great risk to your wellbeing.

Yet, in actuality when Will follows Jay into the small kitchenette, he’s struck by the image of how distraught his brother already is. Jay’s hands are shaking and he’s looking anywhere but at Will, seemingly waiting for permission to speak. Somewhere Will was aware that argument or not, your kidnapping may well have come at another time, as it was looking more likely to be premeditated. Still, Jay had been an asshole, and Will could see that the man in front of him was already miles ahead in the mental self-flagellation department. Will inhales and exhales, his gut gnawing in worry for the both of you.

“Jay…” Will starts, considering his words carefully. Jay needed help, more importantly, you needed help. You couldn’t afford for your brothers to be at odds with each other right now. 

"...I want to be so angry with you, I want to hit you and I want to yell for our sister... But I can't do it..." Will's jaw clenches, not from anger, but from deep concern.

In front of him, his usually put-together brother was holding his stomach, swallowing repeatedly, attempting to catch his breath. It was no surprise that your absence, your abduction, made him feel physically ill, Will was fighting the same sensations.

The redhead moves forward, opening a cupboard where he finds what he was looking for, a mug. He fills the mug with water and presses it into Jay’s hands, closing his own palms around Jay’s. 

“Take slow sips, you’re gonna throw up or pass out if you don’t take a second…” Will watches carefully, really seeing how clammy and tired Jay looked.

Will watches as Jay lifts his head to look at him properly, utter sadness and regret burn deeply in those intense eyes. Will takes the mug from Jay and sets it on the counter, guiding Jay by the shoulders to make him sit on the couch.

Jay exhales harshly, hands fidgeting on the knees of his jeans as he follows Will's breathing. 

His voice is thick with tears that are so very nearly on the verge of falling. "Why, Will? Why can't you do it? I deserve it..." His thoughts are racing, he looks at his brother with panicked energy, continuing,

“I have made your lives a living hell, I needed help and I didn’t take it…And now she- she’s paying for it…you’re paying for it… Sorry won’t ever cover it, I-” He can feel the tears pooling faster than he can stop them, head dropping they slip quietly down his cheeks.

Warm hands cup the sides of his face, getting him to look up again. Will’s squatting to Jay’s eye level, gentle eyes are studying him, a determined expression falls over his face.

“I know you, Jay. I know what kind of person you are, I know who you are and who you’re not. This should have never happened, I won’t lie and say it’s okay, because it’s not. But we will face it when we have Y/N back. She needs you right now, she needs us, so we’re gonna get out there and make sure she- she comes home… alright? You got that?” 

Jay nods, leaning into Will’s comforting hands for just a moment. Will squeezes his shoulder, “Come on, let’s go look at footage together. There must be a link here somewhere.”

Jay hastily wipes the tears from his face, a ghost of a smile on his face as he hears Will act almost like him. Picking up the mug of water in the hopes that he could quiet the headache and nausea with some hydration. He heads back to his desk and Voight watches from the window of his office, catching Will’s eye he nods as if to say “You good?” and Will responds with an affirmative “Yeah, we’re good” nod in kind. 

Hailey glances up from her desk, sliding out of the chair to approach the brothers. Jay braces, knowing he owes Hailey the same amount of grovelling as his own family, he waits apprehensively for whatever she’s about to say but is surprised to find that it isn’t a scathing condemnation of his recent shortcomings. 

“If you guys need anything, just say so. We’ve got eyes everywhere, we won’t back down. It’s looking more likely Y/N’s a target for a reason, that means they’ll want something, we’ll be ready to deal with that.” 

Jay’s eyes are misty once more, he smiles weakly, “Thanks, Hails. Really, thank you.”

Will smiles too, squeezing her shoulder. “Thanks, Hailey. We appreciate it.”

Will finally takes a seat next to Jay and watches as Jay clicks on a folder in the security footage assigned to his apartment building, it’s dated two days before your abduction. This particular file is a 12-hour cycle focused on the door to the front desk, the desk itself and the elevators in the building.

[Elsewhere]

It’s not that you'd ever practised being kidnapped, after all, who has? But the more you lay there, limbs bound, pained winded breaths as you try to forget the throbbing in your knee, you come to the conclusion that somewhere in your mind you had thought you’d be better at this.

Given your siblings were both highly intelligent, skilled and resourceful people in their respective careers, you figured that somehow you might have just absorbed their powers, so to speak. Jay and Will had taught you first aid, self-defence, what to do in an emergency, and so on, yet when it comes down to being beaten, tied up and left without aid...you found were just tired. Tired, scared and sick.

In passing hours your attempt to keep track of the time became a nauseating blur, the very raw truth was that your bones panged with hurt, dehydration was starting to get the better of you, and your head drove sharp splitting pains from your scalp through your eyes. Needless to say, time was not at the top of your priority list. You had rather regretfully thrown up next to the mat on the floor, this had made you let out an unholy wail of agony as your stomach couldn’t take the force of retching. You trembled from exhaustion, anxiety and the horrifying sight of blood in your vomit. 

-

Your eyes flutter close, carefully cradling your stomach as if that would somehow encourage it to feel better. In the quiet of the dingy room, you sense a presence shift.

The voice is gentle, soft, and one of the most familiar voices in the world to you. "Hey kiddo, you hanging in there?"

Your eyes snap open. Sat cross-legged on the floor opposite you is Jay, twirling his switchblade between his fingers skillfully. He's in his ranger uniform.

Your breath hitches and a small sob escapes you, "J-Jay?"

"Hey, sweetheart." His smile is bright, younger... if that made any sense. You were so relieved to see your big brother, but something made your gut sink the longer you looked at him.

"How'd you get here? Are we leaving?"

Jay stops smiling then, a sadness seeps into his face, looking down at the floor as the twirling of the knife comes to a standstill.

Your brow furrows in confusion, your heart starting to thud nervously,

"Jay?"

Silence. He's unmoving, head permanently fixated on the floor.

"He won't answer you, little bean." The second voice almost makes you flinch, and then, like Jay's, it brings familiarity and comfort.

Your mind and mouth are running away with questions, "Will? Will, what's happening? Why aren't we escaping, why can't he look at me? How did you get here?"

Your whole body seems to tense with fear when Will's face changes, he too looks at the floor. But unlike Jay, he does answer you again.

"We're always with you, kiddo. But we can't help, not yet... Just keep fighting alright? We're coming, Y/N. You can bet on that."

Tears start to form, you are so confused, trying to reach out with a gasp of agony in your body as you move. “Will, please, don’t leave… I don’t underst-” 

A door slams. Jolting your senses as your eyes snap open, revealing an empty room.

You exhale shakily, a dark realisation dawning on you… you had been hallucinating.

Then, a voice again, your body tensing as someone comes into view. This time you’re inclined to think it’s actually real if the cigarette breath was anything to go by, a figure in a ski mask bends down to get up close to your face, through the fabric you can tell they’re smiling slyly. “Come on it’s time for a close-up.” 

“Why are you doing this, you’re not gonna get a damn thing…” Your voice comes out as a scratchy murmur, swallowing hard trying to find any kind of moisture to clear the thickness in your throat. 

The masked man smirks, cruel lips still smiling, “Oh we’ll see about that, your detective brother would do just about anything for you, wouldn’t he? We’re gonna show him what the cost of timewasting will be…”

Without giving you time to respond he hauls you up, you clench your teeth painfully trying to stop the cries of agony leaving you. You can’t put weight on your infected knee, so it’s left to your captor to drag your weakened frame to where he wants you. White-hot pain radiates from your stomach through your whole torso, so much so that you pass out for a second. When you come to you’re sitting strapped to a chair in a room full of old tools, zip ties cut painfully into your skin, and your entire body burns with pain. Through drowsy eyes you take in your surroundings some more, spotting what looks to be some sort of hose system.

As you refocus your eyes straight ahead, you see another masked man sitting in an old metal folding chair, holding a phone. He sets his mouth wide in a grin, baring teeth like an animal. The shaking rattles through you uncontrollably, the room is cold and you're sure you’re going into what you assume is shock. Trying with every ounce of remaining energy to steel yourself for what might come next.

[Back at the 21st]

Now that Jay was in his element he had calmed as much as he could under the circumstances, he and Will were viewing the footage on the screen diligently, watching the comings and goings of your and Jay’s neighbours. It got to yesterday morning before you had that big fight with Jay, Jay’s posture visibly tensed when he watched himself leave for work at 7am and then, no less than five minutes later, a hooded figure approached the apartment door. The person was seemingly trying to listen for any signs of movement as they pressed their ear to the door. 

Jay and Will’s stomachs drop, knowing full well you’d have not left for college yet at that time of day. 

“Ruze!” Jay hollers. Adam looks up from his station,

“What’cha got?” 

When Jay needs to get a job done, he’ll compartmentalise like you’ve never seen, his voice is commanding and steady. 

“I’m sending you this separate file of our apartment building’s lobby, go to yesterday morning, follow the guy that show’s up around 7am, retrace his movements before he got the building.”

“You got it.” Adam is already tapping and clicking away as he pulls up the relevant folders.

Turning back to his screen Jay continues watching the footage forwards on from 7am, the figure stands there for approximately 6 minutes before trying the handle on the maintenance closet next to the apartment door. 

Your brothers’ eyes go wide as they not only see the door open, but the figure climbs into the confined space and pulls the door closed behind him. 

Will’s eyes are glistening with tears born from fear, the footage was inherently creepy, but seeing somebody seemingly stalk you was an altogether different layer of terror. 

“Jesus Christ, Jay…” He murmurs,

“I know, I know… fuck…” 

The footage keeps rolling as Adam comments on something on his screen, 

“Son of a bitch.”

Now the others had tuned in to the commotion, within minutes Jay and Adam appeared to be unravelling the events that had led up to your abduction. 

Jay swallows, taking a breath, he presses a hand to Will’s shoulder, 

“Keep watching for when Y/N comes out, alright? I’m gonna see what Adam’s got…”

Will nods, eyes focused on the image when Voight comes to stand by him with Kim, Hailey and Kevin heading to Adam’s screen with Jay. 

Adam replays the 20 minutes before the figure had showed up outside your shared apartment with Jay, they’re walking with their hood up but almost comically the wind blows back the hood for a just enough of a moment to give everyone a clear view. 

“What the fuck.” Jay grits out. 

“I know, man. I know. I’ve already pulled up the details of his release, some kind of plea deal was made…” 

“This cannot be happening…” Jay grips the back of Adam’s chair, Hailey rubbing his back in a comforting getsure. 

Voight is looking over pointedly, waiting for an answer, Adam rubs nervously at his face. 

“It’s him, Sarge. Randy Parr is back out of prison.”

Voight is already moving into his office, plucking the telephone from it’s cradle as he dials a number, seemingly already on the case to find out how this could have happened. 

Randall James Parr had been arrested for the abuse and abduction of girls and young women, anywhere from age 15 to 25 was his target. Jay had been crucial in piecing together the evidence, and as such had been the arresting officer. It wasn’t uncommon for perps to swear their vengeance at a police officer, to threat, to spit, to snarl… but Jay now recalls viscerally the promise Parr had made to find something Jay loved and “take it away”... and now it really seemed he had. It made Jay want to vomit at the thought of what he could and would do to you if he was serious enough. 

Kim calls out, squeezing Will’s shoulder reassuringly as they watch nervously the footage of you leaving for school, then having your abductor follow. “Hey, we’ve got her when she was leaving…he follows her through the pod footage all the way to college, then all the way back again, then he gets back into the maintenance closet…” Kim hesitates before her next statement, “I don’t think he was expecting her to leave again that day, but he doesn’t move. Jay comes home that night at 2am, then at 2:17 Y/N is leaving. He cracks the door slightly, must spot that it’s Y/N and not Jay again, nervously looks around before following like he had during the day. Presumably, he meets up with the other two on the way before they, uh, before they take Y/N.” Kim exhales, eyeing Jay nervously. 

Jay is struck dumb, cold ice flowing through his veins, he is distraught and enraged all at once that someone like Parr could see the light of day again. And to actually have the gall to take that which is most precious to him… 

“I shouldn’t have let her leave, I shouldn’t have-” Jay sinks back into Hailey, who guides him into her seat. 

Kim approaches with Will behind, Voight is still yelling on the phone in the background. She kneels, a hand on Jay’s knee. “Jay… he was following her, he was going to try this whether or not she left that night or in the next few days…” Kim isn’t trying to provoke Jay with the nasty truth, but she can’t just let him put the blame squarely on his shoulders. 

Jay drops his head, Will comes forward to place a comforting hand on the back of Jay’s head.

“Come on, man. We gotta be strong for her… Kim is right, this animal was going to try this, your argument wasn’t the cause of this…it really wasn’t…” 

The room is silent for a moment, Kevin is about to speak when Trudy Platt comes charging up the stairs. 

“Guys, this was just delivered by a kid, said some man in a mask asked him to bring it here. It’s addressed to Jay…”

Jay springs from the chair and meets Trudy in the middle of the bullpen, snatching the small item which he can now clearly see is a memory stick. Will watches apprehensively, almost shadowing Jay’s movements afraid he’ll miss a detail. 

Trudy gives a sympathetic look, “We’ve got officers speaking to the kid, getting a statement, I’ll personally stay on top of it.” Nodding assuredly before heading back down the stairs. 

Jay hurries to his desk again, Will and the others in tow, shoving the drive into the port as he waits for the screen to open up the content. Voight steps out of his office, eyeing the group huddle. It’s Hailey who explains. 

“Platt just said a kid dropped off this drive, it was addressed to Jay…” Voight’s face is set in a thin line, nodding as he too focuses on Jay’s computer screen, everyone bracing themselves for what they’re about to see. 

-

The footage is dark, with cracks of light through corrugated metal walls and damaged windows. It begins with a downwards shot of boots, and a dirty puddle of water that looks to be mixing with some sort of oil or fuel. The videographer appears to be sitting, panning up from their feet to reveal what none of the people in the bullpen wanted to believe was happening. There’s a collective intake of breath.

Randy Parr no longer has his hood up, and unlike his cohorts, he has opted out of a mask. Stood with a sense of bravado and a self-congratulatory aura, he smiles at the camera, eyeing your hunched frame in the chair, mouth gagged with a rag and eyes puffy from crying. Placing a heavy hand on your head, he strokes your unkempt hair, making you squirm in your seat, desperate for his filthy hand to be off of your skin, which is crawling in disgust. There’s a sense of ownership in the touch, it makes you want to scream in his face.

Jay’s veins fill with a white-hot rage, any and all sadness is eradicated with the desire to rip Parr apart. He takes in your weakened state, the ragged breaths, blood-stained clothes, clammy skin and covered in dirt. The way you squeeze your eyes shut to block out Parr’s physical touch does something so visceral to your brother, he wants to destroy the man who took you from him, to hold you and tell you that he will always need you. No matter what. 

Will’s body feels almost weightless, the sight of your condition numbs his veins in shock, he clutches the arm of Jay’s chair with the hopes of staying grounded. He can tell by the way you’re trying to hold yourself that the stomach pain must be severe, eyeing your leg he can see that unsurprisingly it hasn’t been tended to, fearful of what infection may be setting in as they look at you. Mentally making rough calculations and guesses for what he'll need to do when he can give you the medical attention you so clearly need. He doesn’t know what else to do except prepare for that. 

Parr finally speaks, squeezing your chin roughly as he gets you to look back up at the camera instead of down at the floor, 

“Jay… Wow, this day came so much sooner than I was anticipating. One of the universe’s blessings, I think. I always thought I’d take a girlfriend, your brother perhaps… but my my, what a treat when I found out about this one… she’s wonderful, isn’t she? Lots of feistiness in her, she fought back good, I’ll tell you that, Halstead. I suppose she gets that from you, doesn’t she? Her beloved big brother…” 

The smile is sinister, Jay is close to snapping the pencil on his desk in half. But he keeps watching, waiting for the inevitable punchline of what Parr’s request is. 

“So this is how we’re doing it alright, Jay? Listen close, I know listening isn’t always your strong suit… We’re gonna have some fun with Y/N here, and as long as you can find her within the next two hours, she will most probably live… hopefully, maybe. Who knows? See, I don’t want money, an escape route, assurance… I can take care of myself, but I want to see if you can take care of your own business, Jay. Alright? Since you so enthusiastically poked your nose into mine.”

What comes next makes everyone in the room yell out some form of expletive or cry out in dismay, Parr takes a bottle from one of the workbenches and shakes it in front of the camera, a faded label that reads “Hydrogen Peroxide” can be seen. He’s wearing gloves, unscrewing the lid slowly on purpose, dragging out the moment as your terrified eyes go wide. He giggles like a child, Jay and Will’s breaths come out huffed through their noses, the pressure they feel is immense.  

He tips some of the liquid into the cap of the bottle, lowering himself down in a squat he hovers by your legs, you try to move away, to somehow knock over the chair but he barks out an order that immediately freezes your movements, 

“Stop moving or I’ll fucking pour this in your eyes.” The smile is gone from his face, the raw evil malice sits in its place.

Your eyes close again, instinctively protecting and preparing for what’s about to come. 

The cap tips and the liquid instantly burns your already raw and damaged flesh, at first you can’t make a single sound, strangled gasps of agony scrape along the inside of your throat before your vocal cords work to let out an almost inhuman wail of pain. Your fingers, which are behind your back, claw at your skin to find some salvation or some distraction, spots dance in your eyes and you think you might pass out again but a loud slam of the resealed bottle on metal snaps you to attention. 

Parr spits at the floor, smiling smugly as he takes in his work. 

“We’ll send another video soon, Jay. So you best get to work, and I’m gonna see what other kinds of fun we can have here!” 

He gives a small wave at the camera, as if he was waving on the beach in a holiday video, patting your injured leg roughly as you cry out again, soft whimpers as your head pounds mercilessly. Then, the video cuts and ends.

For a brief moment, nobody moves or speaks. It's Voight that brings himself back to reality first. 

“I want to go frame by frame through that footage, there’s gotta be identifying markers, environmental factors, something! Somebody needs to go to the kid with Trudy, make him take you right back to where the guy stopped him. Retrace, retrace, retrace. This son-of-a-bitch thinks he’s got us, well he hasn’t. Y/N is counting on us, and we’re not letting her down. You got that?”

There’s a resounding “Yes, sarge!” as everyone disperses to either keep at what they were doing or take apart the new details. 

Voight rests one hand on both Jay and Will, he knows exactly the terror of finding someone you love taken and hurt, he had experienced it all too clearly with Justin. 

“Jay, this was your case, alright? There’s gonna be a detail from the case that can help us get this bastard, he isn’t a mastermind, and he wants to give you the challenge to find Y/N, so let’s do it. I’m gonna go through the list of CIs associated with this prick, somebody has to know something. We’re gonna get her back.”

Jay nods, giving a quiet, “Thanks, Sarge,” and Will sits back in his chair, rubbing at his throbbing temples. 

“Jay…” Will’s voice is lost, full of fear, a questioning tone on what the hell they do next. 

“I know… we’re gonna find her, Will. This is my job…it’s my job to protect her, to find her…” 

“Wherever this takes us I’m coming with, I’ll have someone bring me a jump bag, an ambo on standby, whatever it is…”

“Okay.” Jay exhales, he was going to nail this fucker if it was the last thing he did. And he was gonna make damn sure you came home to him and Will. 

-

End of Part 2

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