#like. being in their lives was actively making it worse which they didn’t deserve

[fruitmouse]

was the only first shift part-timer at my job to not quit like 2 weeks in and my manager said he “knew i was a stayer from the moment [he] met [me]” which is like. just manager talk but i’ve been thinking abt it a lot for some reason

[hon3y-y]

Roomie!sukuna doesn't even get horny for anyone other than you anymore. You have the wettest, nastiest pussy he's ever seen- and he deserves the best so nobody but you will do. You're fucking so many other fine men now that you dont even give him a second glance when he walks out the shower in just a towel to tease you. And oh, his temper when one of your hookups pick you up and you don't come home for the weekend. Or even worse, they stay for the weekend. Sukuna has never let a girl sleep over at the apartment but now there are two colognes in the bathroom, two pairs or men's shoes at the door, and he can almost never see you in the living room without some other man hanging off your side

read the other parts here! : part 1 part 2 part 4

he’s literally so embarrassingggg it’s not even funny. he’ll walk around and flex his muscles, smirk on his puffy lips as the water drips down his ripped torso. he stands outside your open door, you’re looking down at your phone deciding on whether to spend the night at choso’s or nanami’s (pick choso, nanami gets up at like 5 am 🙄), “showers empty..” sukuna basically purr’s, resting his arm on the doorway.

and you literally could not give less of a fuck💀

you just nod, mumbling a ‘thanks’ as you focus on putting both their names in a generator and letting that choose your fate for the night. let’s just say sukuna was extremely angry when a motorcycle pulls up and you just giggle and hop onto it, kissing the stupid leather clad boy while throwing on the custom bikers helmet choso had made for you. and to top it off, sukuna had to physically restrain himself from blowing up your phone on where the fuck you are??

messages;

ryo<3: didn’t see you this morning

you: i’m staying with choso for the weekend! sorry, should’ve told you last night:/

you: i also won’t be home after wednesday satoru is taking me to this festival! i’ll send pics😋

ryo<3: have fun 👍

omfg he’s losing it. he literally will spend the whole time in the gym, refusing to be in the empty apartment for longer than eight hours for sleep. he feels like there’s a cement brick in his chest when you’re whisked away by these men. but nothing is worse than when he stays over.

he being satoru.

it was becoming a huge issue. his longest “sleepover” was a week. a week where you weren’t even home for half of it. but sukuna was. he was there for all of it.

there was now a third toothbrush taking up countertop space in the bathroom, he would find satoru’s clothes in the wash (which would always somehow be in there whenever ryo specifically had to use it??), and gojo absolutely loved to make out with you everywhere but inside of your room and sukuna started to hated it. publicly claiming you in front of the guy who literally made it possible🙄 unbelievable.

let’s just say you take a break from bringing satoru over, doing your best to settle the tension at home. but sukuna couldn’t let it go, not when he stares at the stupid fucking blue electric toothbrush and knows that it’s only temporary.

at this point he didn’t even give a fuck about the other guys, you can keep them as long as he’s added onto your roster.

it’s been a while since the two of you had a movie night. something that used to, at the very least, happen once a month has been delayed due to your extra activities. the two of you relaxed into the couch, the movie was a random one you found choosing whatever looked the best by cover and for the first time in a while, sukuna felt like he had you.

“did you buy the candy?”

“shit, yeah. i think i left it in my room?”

“go get it while i make the popcorn!” you smiled up at him, your eyes sparkling excitedly. you looked so cute and soft, and ryo got a glimpse of your cute pink panties when you bent over to grab something so he was feeling just as good. he could already picture the little damp spot he’d create after teasing you and then force you to beg and make it up to him.

he thought about it the whole walk to his room, picking up the bag and then back to the living room, fantasizing about what he plans to do. and just as he’s about to turn the corner, a head of white fluffy hair is laying on your lap, legs spread to take up the full length of the couch. and the only seat available? the one farthest from you.

“i hope you don’t mind, satoru said he missed us!”

us… sukuna looked down at gojo, looking at the content quirk in his lip while he snuggled into you more, moving one of your hands into his hair to play with it. ryo’s eye twitched before he put the bag down and went back into his room, the door slamming behind him. the noise makes you force satoru up, a pit forming in your stomach. you didn’t want sukuna to feel uncomfortable in his own house—

“damn, what’s he so mad abo- he got macha kitkats!? mmm~”

*bonus*

sukuna is literally in his room about to dry heave because??? what alternative version of himself gave him such bad karma?!? in his room like this;

but quietly, because he DEFINITELY doesn’t want you to see him like this. such a fein🤦‍♀️

a/n: i didn’t put smut because i didn’t want to get repetitive BUT should we finally let sukuna get a taste?? part 4 where he finally gets her?? lmk🫶

*not edited*

[tohightotry]

Life update/vent dump

Both my fiancé and I broke up with our girlfriend a couple weeks ago cause she was manipulative and abusive(mainly verbally/emotionally but she did beat my fiancé and break his tooth and kept fantasizing with a smile about him fucking up enough in her mind to justify future beatings) she’s blaming her bpd that she gave us zero warning about her having before we got together and didn’t let us know at any point in the last year til we ended things(we could have approached things differently to try and make the relationship healthy and known that we weren’t being paranoid about the abuse happening until it got so out of hand and completely un-ignorable and so in our faces that it was in his friends faces as well, they were begging him to end it and make me end it as well, I wish he had told me this to cause I really thought it was me being paranoid from previous bad relationships) after researching a ton it seems almost every person with it is like that(being manipulative and lying is part of the diagnosis) unless they get serious help and keep that help throughout their life they will always be that way, they may even think they’re 100% innocent and refuse to believe otherwise. she is starting therapy so let’s hope she sticks with it since she wants to try and be friends in several months but honestly I don’t want to be close to her anymore cause I went back to my unhealthy codependent abusing me is totally fine I deserve it ass the moment I met her and she started her manipulation. And my fiancé had it even worse since her bpd chose him as her “favorite person” which basically is just the person someone with bpd unhealthily obsesses over to the point they think that person should only talk to them and ignore literally everything else, including their job and family. Like I don’t even want to get into the shit she did to us, and how my pathetic ass just let it happen for so long. Anyways I also found out my fiancé was emotionally cheating on me for the last five years and exchanging nudes with his ex across the country so he and I are working thro that as well and he will also be starting therapy soon to work thro his issues and figure out why he did that as he doesn’t know why and wants to know for both of our sake and make sure he doesn’t do anything like that again. That being said I think he and I can work thro this, hopefully, we also plan on couples therapy sessions. If he does it again or disrespects this relationship in any other way I will leave him, I am back in my healing era bitches and I will stay in it this time.

Already doing so much better after the break up and finally getting her to give us some space which took over a week of her telling us she’d go no contact with both of us for several months like we all agreed despite her continuing to message my fiancé all day every single day begging him to stay with her. Of course she didn’t go a whole week without trying the “im already healed so much after a single therapy session and this isn’t another ploy for attention I promise I’m all better and I know I can make him take me back even tho I know you’re both opposed to that” bullshit which is what really cements the we can’t even be friends for me cause the manipulation and abuse will never stop. Her goal will always be to try and get him completely to herself, so that he has no one else not even a friend or coworker he’s allowed to talk to.

He also got me a tofu press and i highly recommend pressing your tofu overnight cause 30-60mins doesn’t do shit but overnight is like buying the super firm tofu but it’s like $2 less a block 👍

[vivisviolets]

Okkk, let’s spy on your ex (& where you are now) 👁‍🗨💭‼️ (*PAC+ 18+ Extended)

wow,, I mean ok then😭😭 I don’t support it…. But I got to give out the dirt I’ve received 👀… lol ⦿ ✧・*close your eyes love, breatheee, ease them shoulders,- and focus on which image draws your eye for whatever reason- trust and stay open to the magic of it all!! don't rush it!! and don't force it either if none catch your eye! make a request to Spirit/the Universe/God to guide you to whatever messages you need to hear rn~*

. . . Pile 1

⦿ Virgo/earth placements, Virgo season, Moon dominant, Cancer placements/degrees (Moon, 4th house, rising, Venus), Aries degrees, September, summer dusk, 8-9pm, hoodies, scent, connection to pile 3(?), numbers 111, 9999, 911(omg), channeled songs- Don’t Forget Me - Maggie Rogers, Wedding List - Kate Bush ⦿ The first thing I heard was they love you- they loooove you- like exaggerated text and all pile 1s… Oh goodness, I can feel some of you squirming uncomfortably like “Ohh boy…” at hearing that, for some of you it’s because this feeling is unrequited in some way (you did feel love for them but you either distanced yourself, or you fell out of love w/ them- or both), and you really just wish to move on and forget about this (I distinctly got a very clear vision of a summer night, with the first few chords of the song Don’t Forget Me by Maggie Rogers playing- it’s a very vague, wishy-washy memory that I know for my moving-on group still makes you feel things,,)- and for a few of you here,, you do still love this person,- or more so right underneath the surface, you are still “in love” with them… OK I’ll just say, I’m going to do my very best to be sensitive to both groups that resonate with this pile, because there is a lot of raw emotion coming from the two groups- one is freshly moved on, either only just recently in the past few months you’ve split from this person- and or it been 1 year+ and you may have had a “relapse” in grief/introspection over this- and the other group of this collective is still “in love”. I’m hearing the phrase “love-baggage”, so some of you I’m seeing were/are living with this person, and lots of their things are still in your space- and you keep almost unconsciously thinking they're going to come back… for others, you had a lot of plans with this person, a lot of desires/wishes, and or both of those things and you had a lot of expectations and dreams of what could be built in this relationship- and now that it’s ended it's like a Christmas display after the holiday is over, there’s a big empty feeling of “…so- was that it?” I’m so sorry sugar!! (to both groups here 💔) this sounds and feels to me like this connection was a real tisy to you. you didn’t deserve that,- but I can tell from your energy that what happened has really made you grow in a very big and important way, even if it feels like some days it changed you for the worse (I can feel those in the group that struggle with a lot of depression/anxiety stemming from this❤️ I see you, you are heard, and you have my heart to rest in for this reading 🌙)- that won’t be the case forever, please trust me on this that this experience has changed you and your path for the better- for your highest good and joy.- ok final things for the energy check before I move forward- scent was really important to this connection, it either was what your ex found to be really alluring about you/the relationship they had with you, or this is how you felt about them (and or this was a shared attraction!), something about clothing being shared and either you or them being very turned on by that activity (could be s*xual but I more feel a possessive energy), I’m also seeing this person really got off (again😭 *not* meant to be s*xual but omg why are these phrases coming to mind ummm-) on hugging you/holding you close, like having their face carved into the right side of your neck (now I’m hearing that Faye Webster song, Right Side of My Neck- again this whole reading could be either more adult or wholesome you be the judge I wasn’t there 👁-) and just resting in the scent of your warmth. I’m seeing someone who looks very tired and saw this relationship with you as a *relief*- There’s a masc figure (not gendered just energy) who may have worked long hours/nights, or they pilled work onto themselves because they felt they had too,, something about them wanting to be a provider for you but they went about it in a way that they suffered/thus the relationship suffered…

I don’t see you guys as being the type to need/want that, but more the type to want equality in the relationship regarding that, and rely more on having a developed emotional bond- and this ex may have had a hard time trying to know how to “provide” you with that and so out of fear they tried to focus on some other way to give to you (I’m hearing it may have been out of ego) and thus they became destructive out of not addressing this fear they had- I kinda went off!! omg, I’ll shut up and actually get to the part where I tune into where they are and how they are I guess… I keep seeing a figure walking forward, in this gray plane of existence, occasionally sitting in a coffee shop, a place of work, talking to some people for a moment before things fade again and they’re back to trekking forward…

they don’t look unhappy, but they don’t seem peaceful either. and this is how they feel currently not having you in their life, not having this relationship as a structure in their life, appearing ok and productive on the outside, while on the inside… all they can do is keep walking into the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that, posting on instagram and then continuing to walk- and I’m hearing maybe the piece of them still connected to you is saying that “you feel the same way”… goddamn it pile 1 I am completely on your side, no buts about it, and all I will say to that message coming through is you need to look into a possible cord-cut ritual. find one that feels intuitively correct to your situation (no murder), and definitely meditate if this person/ex-relationship has been on your mind because it is crucial for you to move on, move out, and move forward from this relationship. for you, AND for this ex. please, please, please, work towards detachment and neutrality. obviously, feel your emotions and address them, but afterward do the final closure by saying- “that was hurtful, that makes me feel hurt, but it happened.”- I know it’s “fun” to pick apart text messages and realize all the times you two weren’t right for each other, and it's easy to live in the past then continue into the unknown (so many songs coming through omg you guys experienced a lot of memories together)- but you have got to start. just a little bit forward every day, please work on your fear of moving forward, because there is nothing to fear- your future self is already at peace, and that future self is you already! you have all the tools to get to them- all it needs is a couple steps forward a day, do it sick, do it crying, do it scared, do it hopeless. just. start. moving. (and do not feel “guilty”, this person will be ok. just like how you will be ok. and that is something to be hopeful about!!) I keep hearing “not at this time”, which is what your ex may possibly be thinking in the back of their mind,- I really hate posting PACs with borderline breadcrumbing but I do see a possible rekindling/reunion between you two, but not for a long time, much longer then either of you expect and it will truly be when you two are incredibly removed from what happened and basically completely different people- and life/the universe will be like “haha ok RENUION EPISODE TIME!!!! nostalgia bait!!!!~” it will be kinda silly, not even in a sardonic way but it will weirdly be very light-hearted, like both of you will be in on some inside joke no one else quite gets. I don’t even see this being romantic in the slightest between you, it's more a shared time of “partnership” and nothing will even get discussed because- both of you will be moved on and settled. in other words, no bad blood housed in the future, thanks to letting it all heal in the present time ⭐️.

sooo pile 1s that's what I got for you, hope you enjoyed haha and that you feel really more chilled out~ and that you continue that feeling into your day/afternoon/evening. One last word of advice, I know things can feel really lonely at times, but truly- your own company is the best company, and it is what you need at this time. and that’s beautiful- so make it beautiful for yourself ❤️!!!!!! ok, I love you so so much~.

*totes random but someone here needs to play around on character ai 💀um-)

🎆THIS READING HAS AN EXTENDED READING OVER ON MY PATREON~♡🎆 “Okkk let’s spy on your ex 👁‍🗨💭‼️ (EXTENDED their 18+ thoughts/where their mind wonders 👀) ***MDI

. . . Pile 2

⦿ The Devil, Five of Wands (reversed), Nine of cups, The Sun (reversed), Knight of Cups (reversed), Three of Wands (reversed) (bottom of deck) ⦿ TW/CW (sh mention/slight 18+ mention), Cancer/Pisces/Scorpio placements, Aquarius placements/degrees (Venus, 11th house, Jupitar, 3rd house), blue, panic/anxiety attacks, dissociation, numbers 11, 10, 1111, 1010, channeled songs- Shades of Cool - Lana Del Rey, Lilies - Ethel Cain ⦿ Hi pile 2s. you’re really going through it aren’t you?.. very strange energy going on- “a different realm” I’m hearing is the phase of life you feel you are in ❤️. I actually began channeling bits and pieces of your pile during pile 1, I do not know why there seems to be a weird connection/relation to pile 1 because I already know this pile is going to be quite a bit different (its like all the piles “know each other” its so weird-) but anyways. let me warm up to your chilly energy pile 2s, because I mean seriously, you guys are really going through it- not to be dark but if you’re into Ethel Cain this is like when she dies and gets put in an icebox- LIKE THATS WHERE YOU GUYS FEEL YOU ARE RN 💀… babe you don’t need anymore sympathy, or pity, I’m just going to be straight up with you- what you need is some love. and you need to accept that love- EVEN if that love, is just from yourself. yes, yourself. In fact, that’s where you really need to start because once you open your own heart back up, that’ll be when the sun shines through again… that message aside, this relationship ending really left you in the cold, it may have happened so suddenly that you feel in shock- in fact, for some of you this shocked-grief may have come to you later on- and its effecting you mentally, emotionally, spiritually, maybe even physically, I was perfectly ok channeling/writting the other piles but being here my hands are shaky, I keep making typos on every other word + double typing letters, the food I just ate doesnt feel like its digesting (+anxiety is just ramping up in me for no reason- partly effected by the sun setting- the weather/seasonal changes may be effecting you)… you’re sick over this pile 2 ❤️… and I really do not want to be triggering and if this does NOT feel like the energy you are currently in I urge you to pick another pile/pick another pac all together. wow ok, my chest is so heavy, and I need to step away to close my eyes in a comforting place (my bathroom lol) and I encourage you to do the same- see you in 15.. 13.. 11.. 9.. 7.. 5.. 3.. 1..- ok! I’m back in comfier clothes, this pile will definitely be more focused on you, tbh I do not even want nor have the desire to focus on your ex so I apologize but we’ll see- you may be having some sensory issues at this time because I was very anxious trying to find the “right” type of hair tie, I didn’t want a plastic one nor a heavy scrunchie.. but even in this space I took from your pile I was still channeling the whole time so BIG TW‼️ for these next energy check-in messages, some of you may be SH-ing at this time, I do not want to give some of you ideas,- but this could be physical self-harm (not just destructive emotion habits i mean), -even if you’re in a state of frozen apathy right now, you are still semi-consciously trying to find ways to address/expel this pain. This whole situation is giving fallen-angel vibes, you feel you have fallen into a very broken world filled with nothing but hopelessness on the horizon… I do not know what else to say other than express disappointment for you pile 2... you're in a rough place.

-one of the final big things regarding this energy, is that there was some kind of “savior complex” in this ex-relationship- and so I’m finally beginning to tap into the energy within the relationship itself… this savior complex may have been mutual, or one-sided- I cannot quite tell, there is an energy that is clearly more docile but emotionally rather volatile (?), and an energy that is distant yet very hot-headed/vicious,, good grief 🤪- also there is a more feminine energy, and a more masculine energy in this pile- I’m trying to be vague as people can play multiple roles/parts at different times- but there were some clear distinctions between the two of you in this relationship (could even be a submissive/dominant dynamic), and within that came co-dependency and this “savior complex” (which weirdly enough- was a slight theme in pile 1 but idk if I mentioned that or not)… you could have been the more “fem/sub/docile” one and was being viewed as requiring “saving” by this “masc/dom/vicious” person, manipulating you financially, physically, etc- or it could very well be the other way around where the more “fem” person felt they were emotionally “saving” you by manipulating you emotionally, mentally, etc… again change/rearrange for your situation and again this could have been a mutual “wanting to save/gain control” of the other person… its all very complicated. -baby, all I can say is that it is good that you are out of it, and if any part of you is still in it I urge you HEAVILY to get the fuck out of it and seek help. I know it is said often but no one can “save” anyone, and that is very true pile 2.- people, friendships, and relationships, are made truly beautiful by helping each other through hard times, unconditionally 💗. and it can be very true and real that other people can help us to reach where we want to be/can help us get out of certain situations, but my darling- this relationship has ended for a reason, the universe did not want this- not because you are not allowed to have what you desire, but because you cannot gain it through this relationship, through this person- I’m sorry. I ask you to begin to change your perspective to something more faithful- faithful to the perspective that what ended was somehow aimed at you gaining what you truly desire, and as divine protection. I know that some of what I have been saying is rather frequently brought up and certain “self-care” advice can begin to sound like monkey chatter yapping- but I do hope that something has gotten to you and made you feel heard in this reading pile 2💗 get out of the icebox and begin to experience life fully through your own lens, instead of through the lens of someone else loving you- you are deserving of a love that wraps you up at the end of your day and nourishes you, but you have to first learn to make a home within yourself ♡. I love you pile 2!! take a shower, clean a small corner of your living space, put on some clean clothes, and watch some anime. just take every moment as it comes for yourself. neutralize the overwhelm ♡. *one last thing- I can't recommend my own extended that I wrote out for you- if you are feeling sensitive, raw, or still relapsing into dwelling over this relationship- please, do not read it. please take care of yourself- you know what would make you feel ok best. I say this as a warning, do what you like- if you want more info, go head and check out what I wrote out ♡. proceed with caution and all that.* 🎆THIS READING HAS AN EXTENDED READING OVER ON MY PATREON~♡🎆 “Okkk let’s spy on your ex 👁‍🗨💭‼️ (EXTENDED their 18+ thoughts/where their mind wonders 👀) ***MDI

. . . Pile 3

⦿ The Star (reversed), Queen of Cups, Five of Wands, Seven of Swords (reversed), Eight of Pentacles (reverse), The Emperor (reversed), ⦿ Aries/Leo/Sagittarius placements, fire dominant, Mercury dominant, Virgo placements/degrees (6th house, 1st house, Saturn *6h/virgo degree), comfort food, sunshine, numbers 444, 888, 222, 111, channeled songs- Vogue mix - bookstore radio(yt) + Dark Red - Steve Lacy, Wild Side - Suki Waterhouse ⦿ UGH PILE 3s- you won’t BELIEVE the day I’ve had- no seriously as soon as I stepped in your energy I breathed a sigh of relief- because OH MY GOD, you are doing so well. and I know as soon as I said that you either felt 1. bashful confidence like “ughhh stawpp but also keep going~”, or 2. immediate crippling anxiety and self-doubt. well don’t crumble on me yet!! and stay with me now, whatever the hell you are doing, I’m here to tell you- you are doing the right thing and you are on the right path. and it is going to become ever more obvious that you’re doing the right thing by you making a little bit of headway every day- even if you just started feeling better TODAY- I’m here to tell you that you are doing well (even if the rest of your week has been shit lol). goodness pile 3, I write my PACs over a couple days because life has me chasing butterflies sometimes- but anyways, I’ve been thinking of your energy since 2 days ago,- I just keep getting the most peaceful and wholesome images in my head of where you are currently pile 3s, I’m seeing you looking so freaking cute, I’m seeing neck scarfs, you doing your hair in cute up-dos, you walking around your apartment/place of living looking like your ready to hit the town/turn some errands into a self-care date- you’re smelling really nice too- like you’ve really gained control over your time/energy and so you can now dedicate some intentional time into physically feeling good!! I’m hearing that Emma Thomson quote “This is your body- this is your home, it’s where you live”. and truly pile 3, you really are living solo right now, you've turned the energy spent on your bestie, your lover, your roommate, your sibling, towards yourself. you are spending some beautiful quality time with yourself. your intention setting has grown so strong and you really are now investing most of your time/energy into you/your life. which is allowing you to be so in the moment- your moment, your world- goodness jesus pile 3! I’m struggling to not ramble on about you, I can view you and feel your current state SO clearly I can almost taste it- but the thing is, I’m actually rather unable to fully “embody” your energy, because you’ve become that protected and within your own space, so I’m honestly just admiring you outside looking in lol. moving forward in painting the picture I can see of your life, going back to how I could almost “taste” your lifestyle rn- I’m also seeing you’re eating really good right now, you being so connected to yourself is making any food you intake taste sooo good and its nourishing your body so well- I’m seeing a lot of fresh fruit like pears, apples, oranges, tangerines, also seeing you eating out at really delicious places and the food is so good- you’re also beginning to make your own meals as well which I’m here to tell you is increasing your amazingly good energy- keep making dinner for yourself it’s so cute and beautiful~ you’ve turned so many aspects of your day-to-day mundane life into “self-dates”, and now that you’ve charged up with consistently giving to yourself, I see you balancing your time with going out and making plans with specific friends- you’re not interested or have the urge to socialize with a friends-of-friends group of people, and definitely there is no pull towards meeting someone new- because this is still a delicate time for you, you’ve built up so much valuable inner peace.

So I’m seeing a lot of very mutually giving one-on-one time with some of your closest friends, you’re giving such quality energy to them right now and them to you as well- I’m seeing there are 2 people who you’re focusing on the most/they’re the most in your life at this time, I'm hearing specifics but I’ll leave that out for the collective, but the strongest images coming through is female/fem friendships, “sisterhood” (this could even be your sister/sibling, otherwise you just feel very connected/have a history with these friends), and you’re walking together down-town doing some shopping but also deep in conversation, going to comforting restaurants dressed to the nines- all 3 of you (you + these 2 closest friends) could also be all going out together- good God is your life-giving main-character in a chick flick right now my pile 3s- specific soundtrack and all AHAHA. *btw to those here who feel like their life is not living up to what I just described, again take what resonates and change it to fit your situation, but these things if they are not happening currently in your life, it will happen. I can absolutely feel it, it feels so right, and I encourage you to take what I just wrote out as visualization inspo~ Oh yea your ex— this always happens where I come up with the title and theme of a pac- and then I don’t get to it until a paragraph later (tho some of you like that so lmk), anyway. they’re out,- I’m honestly struggling to even pick up on them because the situation is that moved on from and spirit agrees, like spirit divinely moved this situation on, I can only pick up a whiff of what’s up. It’s giving like, a crush or friendship you made in kindergarten, like it happened, and it’s a part of your past, and your past is you, but it’s in the past- like it happened so long ago. you know? like why talk about it… that’s how I’m feeling about the teensiest bit of what I’ve sniffed out- but,, I do have an extended to write out later soooo- I’m actually sorry pile 3 I’m going to keep digging. I think it’s funny that I keep using scent as a metaphor for trying to pick up on this ex-person, it makes me think that the only vague thing that you can still recall is their scent. despite how vague and blurry everything else has become, the memory of their scent is still incredibly vivid,, and truly it only takes that memory recall to then paint the rest of the picture of who this person is and who they were to you, and the unit you were with them- good God, again something connected to how they smelled- it’s deep, aromantic, sensual, sweet, like drifting off into honey- I’ve been hearing songs through your whole reading by the way as though I’m playing one of my playlists while writing this (I’m not), that's why I said your life is like a chick flick- soundtrack and all- anyways, the song coming to mind as I dip myself into this memory of this person is Slow Like Honey by Fiona Apple. so, if I described this person’s energy so far then there you go- I keep wanting to say “your person”, but like, this situation is done.

the only “but” or “what if(s)” is derived from you and them sharing a point in time with each other, and you know- your past is still a part of you, and it’s past for a reason, and since it’s in the past, then really it’s already closed.- obviously, it's completely valid for you to remember this and still grieve by the way, because our emotional beings can’t really tell the difference between memory and current reality, but at the same time our logic does know the difference- it's a mind vs. heart thing, the past is closure by default, even if that does not fit with the puzzle that is our emotions. and I’m here to let you know it is ok no matter where you are to still feel at times that they were a part of you, because they were a part of your past, and your past is a part of you. -just to wrap up, I’m not seeing anything about them other than that they are their own person, just like you, with their own life, just like yours, -in essence, I don’t see any specifics at all-, and just like you this shared past is also a part of them. both of you are separate people, who share a link with each other that is now in a state of closure (which you both revisit and walk through), and that’s for the absolute best, for both of you.

*-now, can I dig up what the situation was when it was messier and get freaky with it- yes I can, it’ll be funny lol-* 🎆THIS READING HAS AN EXTENDED READING OVER ON MY PATREON~♡🎆 “Okkk let’s spy on your ex 👁‍🗨💭‼️ (EXTENDED their 18+ thoughts/where their mind wonders 👀) ***MDI

. . . i just wrote for so long I'm shaking i need tea (the drink kind☕️ cus i spilled enough of the other type of tea lmao) love, vi~♡

[anniebeemine]

three's company- s.r. x fem!reader

Summary: Motherhood is hard. Spencer is there to make it all better.

Warnings: mentions of pregnancy, Spencer being the sweetest

It had been a long day of running after your two children who seemingly had no interest in anything today. Usually, it would be Alexander who would be riled up and loud. Today, it seemed as though his little sister Dorothy wanted to join in. From the moment they woke up, it was a nonstop whirlwind of energy. You tried everything—reading their favorite stories, setting up an elaborate train set, even letting them indulge in a bit of screen time. But nothing seemed to hold their attention for long. They were bouncing from one activity to the next, their giggles and screams echoing through the house.

By the time Spencer came home, you were at your wits' end. The screaming and yelling from their games had been enough. He kicked his shoes off at the door, the familiar sound of his keys hitting the bowl in the hallway bringing a slight sense of relief. He found you in the kitchen, looking exhausted, your shoulders slumped and eyes weary.

You’d left the BAU after Dotty was born. Motherhood had taken its toll and with two parents in the FBI, you didn’t see them much. Spencer had supported through both pregnancies, and now your decision to stay home. It had been a tough choice, leaving behind the job you loved, the team that had become like family. But you wanted to be there for your children, to give them the stability and presence you felt they deserved.

He greeted you with a kiss and a hug, lingering over you for a moment, his touch warm and comforting. “What’s wrong?” he asked, his voice gentle, concern etched on his face.

You sighed, picking up another celery stalk to chop. “They’ve just been so… energetic today. It’s been a lot.” You sniffed, unable to hide your feelings anymore. “I love them so much and I’d never trade them for anything. They’re just—” Your voice cracked, and you felt a lump forming in your throat.

He shushed you gently, moving to lean against the counter so he could look at you. “You are an amazing mother. Do you hear them right now?” Another fit of screams and laughter cut through the air, a chaotic symphony. “That is the sound of two kids who are happy because someone special has made them feel safe and comfortable.”

You stayed quiet, his words touching a tender spot in your heart. He was being kind and honest, which only made you feel worse for not being able to enjoy their happiness. Spencer noticed the tears forming, pulling the carrot and knife from your hand. He pulled you into another hug, holding you tight, his arms a protective cocoon around you. The warmth of his embrace, the steady rhythm of his breathing, provided a solace you desperately needed.

The two of you stayed like that for a minute, the noise of the children fading into the background. You pulled away, wiping your tears with the back of your hand. He held the side of your face for a second, his thumb brushing away a stray tear. “I’ll finish this,” he said softly, his eyes full of understanding and love. “Just go relax.”

You hesitated, looking at the half-prepared dinner on the counter. “Are you sure? There’s still a lot to do.”

He nodded, his smile reassuring. “I’ve got this. You go take a bath or read a book. Whatever you need to unwind.”

You gave him a grateful smile, the weight on your shoulders lifting just a bit. “Thank you,” you whispered, leaning in for one more kiss before heading upstairs.

After Spencer’s comforting words, you decided it was time to check on the kids and let them know their dad was home. You headed towards the living room, the sounds of their laughter growing louder with each step. As you turned the corner, you were greeted by a scene of absolute chaos. Books had been tossed around, pages crumpled and covers bent. Toys were scattered everywhere, a minefield of blocks, dolls, and cars. The sofa cushions were upturned, forming makeshift forts, and there was a fine layer of talcum powder covering everything, giving the room a ghostly, white sheen.

In the middle of it all stood Alexander and Dorothy, their faces beaming with pride at their handiwork. Dotty’s face was covered in what looked like your eyeliner, dark streaks crisscrossing her cheeks. Alex had red ink on his skin, his arms and legs marked with what you could only assume were his attempts at tattoos. The sight was both endearing and exasperating.

“Hey, guys,” you said, trying to keep your voice calm and composed despite the mess. “Daddy’s home!”

They turned towards you, their eyes lighting up even more. “Mommy, look!” Alex exclaimed, holding up a marker triumphantly. “We made art!”

Dotty giggled, pointing to her face. “I’m a kitty!” she declared, her whiskers and nose drawn with surprising precision for a toddler.

You couldn’t help but chuckle at their enthusiasm, despite the disaster zone before you. “Wow, you’ve both been very busy, haven’t you?”

They nodded eagerly, not a hint of guilt or remorse in their expressions. Just pure, innocent joy. You took a deep breath, reminding yourself of what Spencer had said. This chaos was a sign of their happiness, their creativity.

“Alright,” you said, clapping your hands together. “Why don’t we go show Daddy your artwork?”

They cheered, racing past you towards the kitchen, leaving little powdery footprints in their wake.

As you headed upstairs for that much-needed break, Spencer watched you disappear around the corner. He heard your bedroom door close softly and decided to give you some time alone. He knew how hard you worked every day and sensed that you needed a moment to yourself.

Turning his attention back to the kids, he smiled at them. "Alright, team, let's get cleaned up and then we'll have some dinner." He managed to corral them into the bathroom, wiping off the eyeliner from Dotty's face and scrubbing the red ink from Alex's skin as best he could. The children squirmed and giggled, making the task both challenging and endearing.

Once they were reasonably clean, he set them up in the kitchen with their dinner. He made sure they had their favorite foods, hoping it would keep them occupied. After they finished eating, he handed them each a bottle of milk and led them to the living room. He put on some soft music and a movie, hoping to create a calming atmosphere. The kids settled on the couch, their eyes drooping as they drank their bottles, eyes trained on Tarzan.

Satisfied that they were winding down, Spencer took a deep breath and headed upstairs. The house was quieter now, but he knew you were still carrying the weight of the day. He approached your bedroom door and knocked softly before entering. He found you sitting on the edge of the bed, tears streaming down your face. You looked up, trying to smile but unable to hide your guilt and exhaustion. “I’m sorry, Spencer,” you said, your voice breaking. “I was so absorbed in annoyance and exasperation that I didn’t notice they were able to create such a mess. I feel like I’m failing them.”

Spencer crossed the room quickly, sitting beside you and wrapping his arms around you. “Hey, hey, it’s okay,” he whispered, holding you close. “You’re not failing them. You’re doing an amazing job. They’re happy and healthy because of you.”

You leaned into him, the warmth of his embrace soothing your frazzled nerves. “But look at the mess they made. I should have been paying more attention.”

“They’re kids,” Spencer said gently. “Mess is part of the deal. And you’ve been doing this all day by yourself. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed. You’re allowed to have moments where it feels like too much.”

You sniffed, nodding against his shoulder. “I just want to be a good mom.”

“You are a good mom,” he assured you, pulling back to look into your eyes. “The best. And part of being a good mom is knowing when you need a break. You’re not alone in this. We’re a team, remember?”

You managed a small smile, the weight of his words easing the burden you felt. “Thank you, Spencer.”

He kissed your forehead, brushing a tear away with his thumb.

“I have an idea,” he said with a smile.

Spencer kissed your forehead and stood up, heading to the bathroom. He turned on the taps, adjusting the temperature until the water was just right, then added some of your favorite bubble bath. As the tub filled, he returned to the bedroom and took your hand. “Come on, your bath is ready. I’ll give you some time alone, and I promise I’ll be back with a surprise for you.”

You smiled gratefully, letting him guide you to the bathroom. The scent of lavender filled the air, and the sight of the warm, inviting bath made your shoulders relax. “Thank you, Spencer.”

He kissed your cheek. “Enjoy. I’ll be back soon.”

As you sank into the tub, the warm water enveloping you, Spencer quietly left the room, closing the door behind him. He made his way downstairs to find the kids still in the living room, now fully relaxed with their bottles. “Alright, you two, let’s get ready for bed,” he said, scooping up Dotty and holding Alex’s hand.

He led them to their room, where they nestled themselves into bed. “I’ll be back in a few minutes, okay? Just stay here and get cozy,” he said, tucking them into their beds. They nodded sleepily, their eyelids heavy.

Back in the kitchen, Spencer washed the kids’ bottles, making sure everything was clean and ready for the next day. He then prepared a small wine and cheese platter, selecting a few of your favorite cheeses and a bottle of wine you both enjoyed. He arranged it all neatly on a tray and carried it up to the hall, leaving it just outside the bedroom door.

Returning to the children’s room, he found them both still awake but looking drowsy. He sat on the edge of Alex’s bed and stroked his hair. “Where’s Mommy?” Alex asked, his voice small and tired.

“She’s already asleep,” Spencer lied gently, not wanting to disturb your peace. “But she loves you very much and will see you in the morning.”

Alex nodded, satisfied with the answer, and snuggled deeper into his blankets. Spencer kissed his forehead, then moved to Dotty’s bed, doing the same. “Goodnight, my little kitty,” he whispered.

“Goodnight, Daddy,” Dotty mumbled, her eyes already closed.

Once they were both settled and quiet, Spencer slipped out of the room, closing the door softly behind him. You’d been sitting at the vanity, eyes closed as you brushed through your hair.

“Knock, knock,” he said softly, peeking his head in. “I brought you something.”

You opened your eyes and smiled at the sight of him. “Come in.”

He entered with the tray, setting it down on a small table by the bed. “A little treat for you,” he said, pouring a glass of wine and handing it to you.

You took it, your eyes welling up with gratitude. “You’re amazing, you know that?”

Glass in hand, you crossed over to the bed, motioning for him to join you. He obliged, lying down beside you. You ran a hand through his hair, complimenting the smell of his coconut shampoo. You whispered sweet nothings, thanking him for coming home. His eyes began to droop, sleep imminent for him. You thought about how you met, staring at each other from across the bullpen on your first day. It took you an entire year to ask him out, instantly falling for him the moment he picked your favorite restaurant. You cherished the warmth of his body next to yours, the gentle rise and fall of his breath, the comfort of knowing he was here, with you. In these quiet, shared moments, everything else seemed to disappear. You wished you could hold onto this feeling forever, make it last, but you knew it was the rarity of these times that made them so special.

Spencer took a deep breath, sitting up. “I want some.” He climbed off the bed to retrieve a small plate of cheese and crackers. He carefully balanced his own glass of wine as he returned to his spot on the bed. You reached for a piece of cheese from the platter, your movements slow and deliberate. You nibbled on it thoughtfully, savoring the creamy texture and mild flavor.

Spencer watched you for a moment, noticing the way you held the glass without taking a sip. A thought crossed his mind, and he nodded to himself, realizing you weren’t angry or annoyed—you were just exhausted. And suddenly, it all made sense.

“Are you…?” he began, his voice soft as he plucked a few grapes off the vine and offered them to you.

You looked at him, your eyes widening slightly before you nodded. “I found out yesterday,” you admitted, setting the wine glass down untouched. “But you were gone, and I didn’t want to tell you over the phone.”

Spencer’s heart swelled with a mixture of excitement and concern. “Three kids,” he said, a gentle smile playing on his lips. “Wow. How are you feeling about it?”

“I don’t know how to do this with three kids, Spencer,” you confessed, a hint of fear in your voice. “I’m already struggling with two.”

Spencer took your hand, squeezing it reassuringly. “Then maybe it’s my time to be a stay-at-home dad,” he said with a light chuckle, trying to lift your spirits.

You laughed softly, the tension in your shoulders easing a bit. “I can just imagine you trying to juggle the BAU and three kids.”

He grinned, placing a hand over your stomach. “Three kids. That’s going to be a big change. We’ll be outnumbered.”

The shared laughter brought a sense of relief, a moment of connection that reminded you of the strength you had as a team. But before the moment could settle, a small voice interrupted.

“Mommy?” Dotty stood at the door, her blanket in hand, looking small and sleepy. “I can’t sleep.”

You exchanged a glance with Spencer, both of you smiling at the sight of your daughter. “Come here, sweet pea,” you said, opening your arms to her.

Dotty shuffled over, climbing into your lap and snuggling against you. Spencer sat beside you, wrapping his arm around both of you. “Looks like someone needs some extra cuddles tonight,” he said softly.

You kissed the top of Dotty’s head, feeling a surge of love and determination. “We’ll be okay,” you whispered, more to yourself than anyone else.

Spencer nodded, his eyes full of support and love. “Yes, we will. One day at a time.”

Just as you were settling into the peaceful moment, you heard another small voice from the doorway. “Mommy?”

Alex stood there, rubbing his eyes. “I can’t sleep unless you tell me goodnight.”

You laughed softly, looking at Spencer with a mix of amusement and affection. “Come here, Alex,” you called, opening your other arm.

Alex ran over and climbed onto the bed, nestling himself beside you. “Can I sleep with you and Daddy tonight?”

You exchanged a warm smile with Spencer. “Of course you can,” you said, smoothing his hair. “But just for tonight, okay?”

Alex nodded, his eyes already drooping as he settled in. Within moments, he was fast asleep, his small body curled up against you.

Spencer scooted over, making more room on the bed, and looked around at the cozy, albeit crowded, arrangement. “You know,” he said with a playful grin, “we might need to buy a bigger bed.”

You chuckled, feeling a sense of contentment wash over you. “You’re probably right.”

[sakinyeh]

man thorfinn in s2 is actually insane. like how he keeps dreaming about killing einar cause the man he considers his brother really would have died by his hands if they’d met only a year before, and he’d have gladly done it, for nothing. and his dreams about his father, which did happen earlier, however those were just memories of his death. now he’s actively being made aware that his father is not only dead but also that he will never be able to rest in peace because of what his son became. and his dreams also apparently pain him so much on their own that he didn’t think anything of it that time einar tried to choke him to death. that, or he knew and just let it happen. it’s not like he even wants to die, he reflexively dodges fatal blows, he has a will to live, he desperately wishes to be happy, he just knows it’s not what he deserves. which is honestly worse. i don’t even know what i’m yapping about but thorfinn they could never make me hate you.

look at this cutie patootie.

[miss-oranje-disco-dancer]

i've been waiting for you

part three of daddy all along: part 1 here, part 2 here

pairing: older (dad's best friend)! leon x younger! reader

cw: brief mention of past suicidal ideations, oral sex, semi-public sexual activities, love

summary: the aftermath of daddy all along pt 2 (you had me at 'hello'). mild angst, mild smut, mild fluff. their trials and tribulations still have a happy ending

a/n: this is a commission for the lovely @porcelainseashore <3 !!

wc: 8k

title is a reference to the song of the same title by ABBA. (this story is best experienced alongside the song).

The kiss you shared was laced with the kind of love that was powerful enough to stop time. Until your father interrupted the sacred moment with a far-from-subtle “ahem”.

You turned to see him in the hallway, standing behind you. He’d just witnessed the spectacle. You weren’t sure whether to be angry that he interrupted you or that he wasn’t applauding your love, which had gone through trials and tribulations and come out stronger on the other side.

“I suppose I missed a lot while I was in rehab,” he said.

You looked at Leon, hoping he’d have an answer, but his mind was still hazy from the kiss.

“I think I deserve a briefing on this,” your dad said, nodding towards the living room, an order to follow him.

You silently did as he asked, but Leon lingered in the doorway, uncertain despite the simple directions.

“Leon?” your father called him back to reality.

“Yes, sir,” Leon said, still drunk on the kiss.

“We’ve been friends for decades, don’t call me ‘sir’.

Leon had to resist the urge to say “yes, sir” again. He nodded and stepped into the house, closing the door behind him. He followed you both into the living room and sat on the couch with you, placing a noticeable distance between his body and yours, in an effort to keep things appropriate in front of your father. Though it only served to make things more awkward.

“So?” your dad said, looking back and forth between the two of you, probing you both for answers.

“You saw what happened a minute ago. What more is there to say?” you said because you didn’t know how to tell the story. At least, not in a way that would be acceptable to him.

“I think there’s a lot more to say,” he said. “What happened while I was away? Did you two get together?”

You tried to be as diplomatic as possible, which meant being vague. “We got to spend a lot of time together while you were gone, and we realized that we have feelings for each other. Well, I already knew I liked Leon, but I didn’t know he liked me back.” You conveniently left out the part about having sex on your birthday.

Your father turned to Leon, looking for his explanation. It was about as revealing as yours. “I know it might seem a little weird, but I love your daughter, and I care a lot about her. I always have.”

Leon looked at you affectionately. He even dared to reach across the couch and grab your hand as proof of his love.

“Are you mad?” you asked your dad.

“No, I’m not mad. Like Leon said, it’s just weird for me… to see you two like this.” He turned to Leon, and said, “I know you’re a good man, Leon. I’ve always known that, but I know your history with women, and I need to know that you’re not going to use my daughter… as a hook up. I don’t want her heart to get broken.”

It pained you to hear your dad mention Leon’s past relationships, or lack thereof. Was it worse to think of him as a man with a history of one-night stands, or a man who’s truly loved other women before you?

Your dad played it as cool as possible, holding in all the things he wanted to say, until you decided to head to bed. You hoped Leon would come with you, but your dad asked him to stay downstairs under the guise of hanging out together for the first time since he’d been home.

Still, you sat at the base of the stairs to listen in on their conversation. You always did. Any information you had about Leon or your father – their lives outside of being your caretakers – was gathered through this method.

“I’m sorry, but you can’t. You’re gonna break her heart, and I can’t let you do that.”

“You know I’d never let her get hurt.”

“She’s gone through so much lately… with the accident, me going to rehab, and now, coming home. It’s not fair to shake up her life even more.”

“Are you hearing yourself right now? You’re asking me not to shake up her life because she’s dealing with the problems you’ve caused?”

There was a pause, and you swore you could see the looks on their faces. Your father’s horror, Leon’s regret.

“I’m sorry… I didn’t mean it like that,” Leon backtracked.

“Go,” your father said, stern, but not aggressive. “I’ll tell her you had to leave and you didn’t wanna wake her.”

You heard Leon’s heavy footsteps walking towards the door and you bolted up the stairs, slipping in your socks and falling face-first on your way.

Leon saw it happen, but didn’t move. He used to pick you up when you fell. His arms were strong, but the awkwardness weighed them down, and he couldn’t reach out to catch you. Your father heard the thunk-thunk-thunk sound and ran over.

You turned to them, realizing the option for flight was gone. You had to fight — for Leon, for you and Leon.

“You were just gonna lie to me? Both of you were gonna lie to me?” You were used to your father lying. As angry as you were, you weren’t surprised by his behavior. Leon’s near-instant agreement to go along with his lies was what made your heart sink. How many times had he done this? Was your whole life a series of your father’s lies and Leon’s willingness to cover them up?

“Listen, sweetheart,” your dad said, “I was just trying to keep you safe.”

“You only care about me now that you’re home, and all you wanna do is control me again,” you said. Holding back tears, you turned to Leon. “And you, you wouldn’t even fight for us? After you came here to confess your love for me? Is it all just bullshit to you?”

“No, I care about you,” he said, “just like your dad does.”

“No, that’s bullshit. Neither of you care about me,” you said, stomping up the stairs and shutting yourself in your bedroom. Nothing good would come out of arguing further. It was 2 vs 1, an unfair fight, you’d better quit before you embarrass yourself.

It was ironic, you realized, how — mere hours ago — you would’ve given anything to have your two favorite people here with you. Now, you got what you wanted — what you thought you wanted — and you would give it all away in an instant. Maybe you were right, back at the dinner table, when the realization came to you that you couldn’t have it all. You’d have to choose between leaving Leon and disappointing your dad.

It was wholly frustrating that you did have them both for most of your life – there didn’t have to be a choice, there was always dad and Leon. Leon was right, sleeping together was a big deal, and maybe you should’ve heeded his warnings.

Questions flooded your mind, all unanswerable. Is this what regret feels like? If you could turn back time would you change it?

Who can you cry to when the people you love most are the ones who hurt you?

When you snuck downstairs later that night to grab a glass of water, Leon was gone. He’d left hours ago. You weren’t sure who to be more angry with – dad or Leon. Their previous togetherness multiplied the amount of love you received as a child, and now it multiplied the loss.

You refused to speak to your dad for days. You didn’t have to refuse to speak to Leon, as he didn’t try to reach out. You learned how to draw and ripped up the pages, you started journaling and ripped out the pages. You called a friend and tried to avoid explaining what was going on. But it was hard to think about anything else. Your life was filled with Leon, Leon, Leon. Like always. Sure, you’d lived with him for months during your father’s rehab, but you had a life before him – no, not before him, but before his constant presence. But where was it?

Leon left. Clearly you weren’t in the mood to see him, and your dad had explicitly told him to leave. What’s that saying? “If you love something, let it go”? Leon tried that with Ada many years ago. He let her go, and she came back, and then she left again, sticking them in a perpetual cycle of what he perceived to be intimacy and completely ignoring the others’ existence. They’d been seeing each other periodically for decades. Leon’s love for her faded a little bit every time she left the morning after. He let her go and she let him go. If she wasn’t willing to fight for him, then he wouldn’t fight for her. But, you were different. The way Leon loved you made him consider the possibility that whatever he felt for Ada wasn’t love. More likely it was a deadly combination of admiration, attraction, and misplaced trust. Plus, the inextricable link that forms between people who’ve saved each other’s lives.

Usually, Leon didn’t give himself time to make mistakes in his relationships – he tended to leave the morning after, never wanting to be a nuisance. If a woman ever came home with him, he’d make her coffee in the morning and lend her a clean towel so she could shower. He didn’t think he had much else to offer.

He knew how you took your coffee and how you liked your eggs. He knew how to set the thermostat to your preferred temperature. There was always more in his heart for you.

A woman thought he was being considerate when she noticed that he had tampons under the sink, but really they were for you, not her. Another thought he was seeing someone else when you left your toothbrush at his apartment. How could he explain to her that you were the most important woman he knew, but no, he wasn’t seeing you. That was well over a year ago. It should’ve been easier after “I’m in love with you.” Who is she? She’s my girlfriend. A one-word explanation.

He tried to devise a plan to win you back, like the male love interest in a cheesy rom-com. He seriously considered the prospect of showing up at your house with a boombox playing Peter Gabriel like Lloyd from Say Anything. It would probably give you second-hand embarrassment, he decided. If only he knew, you’d still take him back.

Leon knew you well enough to know your idiosyncrasies. You stayed up to watch American Idol on Monday nights. You’d be in the living room if he came over around 9. He could park around the corner and sneak up to your window. Your dad wouldn’t be watching unless he had a complete change of heart. (He’d refused to watch American Idol since the contestant he liked didn’t win in Season 2 – he was convinced from then on the competition was rigged.)

Leon got home from work, quickly changed, and headed over to your house on his motorcycle, hoping he could convince you to go for a ride with him. Something you’d never done before. Because he hadn’t allowed you to. Maybe he should have worried about the possibility that he was letting his protectiveness over you slip to accommodate his need to please you. As much as you used to beg him to do things he considered too dangerous, he’d never budge. Watching you throw a fit always pained him, but being a father figure meant protecting always superseded placating. 

Had you broken down his ability to refuse you? Or was he a selfish man looking for love in a girl he should be hesitant to pursue?

Monday night came and he knocked on your window in the special pattern the two of you had established many years ago when you were afraid of letting a “bad guy” into your room by accident as a child. Knock – pause – knock, knock – pause – knock.

You immediately knew it was him. He could see in your face that you were ready to run out the door to him, so he held his finger to his lips to remind you to be quiet. Thanks to the summer weather, you could step outside without having to make a ruckus by putting on your coat.

Your teenage years weren’t far behind you, and with a former cop for a father, you knew how to sneak out. Under the porch-light, you were barely visible, but Leon could hear your smile when you spoke.

“You came back,” you said, wrapping your arms around his neck.

“I told you I’d never leave you.”

“Are you gonna come in?”

“I don’t think your father would like that very much.”

“Then why are you here?”

“Because I love you. And I want you to come out with me, just for a little bit.”

You learned your persuasion from Leon. You’d watched him talk his way in and out of endless situations, from speeding tickets to free food. And those people were strangers. He already had you wrapped around his finger.

“Okay,” you said, “but I should leave a note, so my dad doesn’t think I went missing.”

“Good girl,” Leon said, and when you looked in his eyes you could tell he was trying to get you worked up. And he was succeeding.

“Wait- where are we going?” you asked.

“I was going to let you choose.”

“Can we go to the hill? I’ll get a blanket for us to sit on.”

Leon was ready to blow his salary on you, and all you wanted was to lie down in the grass. His worries about your safety riding on the back of his bike were no longer a problem, since the hill was within walking distance.

“That sounds great to me.”

You returned to him moments later with your hair tied up, cherry-flavored chapstick on, and a picnic blanket under your arm. Leon carried the blanket with one arm, and held out his other, offering you his hand.

Somehow – after sex, after a love confession, after knowing Leon for your entire life up to that very moment – holding his hand made your heart flutter. You hoped your hands weren’t too sweaty. His were warm and calloused with a scar on one palm. You discovered this long ago. His hands were the ones to bandage you when you fell off your bike, the ones that wiped your tears after a nightmare, the ones that rubbed your back when he hugged you. You knew them well.

You walked to the hill where you used to go sledding as a child. It was tucked into a corner behind a thin curtain of trees, a little neighborhood secret. Leon put down the picnic blanket in a secluded spot where the street lamps couldn’t outshine the stars. You laid on your back, unsure of where to put your hands. They remained awkwardly on your stomach. You could feel Leon’s eyes on you. You turned to him and he snaked his arm around your shoulders and pulled you closer.

“What’s up with you?” he asked.

“Nothing. Why?”

“No, not nothing. You’re nervous.”

“Is it really that obvious?”

“Yes. Are you worried about your dad finding out? I’ll make sure you don’t get into any trouble with him. You can blame it all on me.”

“No, I’m not worried about him.”

“Then what’s got you all anxious?”

“This is gonna sound so stupid.”

“It might, but that almost makes me wanna hear it more.”

“You’re so smooth, like, you’re giving me butterflies and I don’t know how you do it. I feel so awkward and I wish I was better at this.”

He laughed, really laughed.

“See? I told you it was stupid. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“No, no, baby.” He put his hand on your arm before you could turn from him. “I was laughing because I am the exact opposite of ‘smooth’. Ask anyone I know and they’ll tell you that I’m awful at flirting.”

“But you’re so good at it right now.”

“This isn’t flirting. I’m just having a good time with you. I’m not trying to get you in bed or whatever. I love you and I wanna spend time with you.”

Leon didn’t know that he felt that way until the words left his mouth. It didn’t miss him that you didn’t say “I love you” in return. He was old enough to accept the fact that sometimes people don’t say it back, or at least, to cover up whatever anxiety he felt when it happened.

“I love you” wasn't sufficient to describe how you felt in that moment. You grasped for words for as long as you could bear the silence. You ended up concluding that in this case, actions could substitute for words. So, you kissed him, letting your lips guide you unrestrained so that soon you were engrossed in a full-blown make-out session, hands in each other’s hair, grasping at each other’s shirts. Every time you pulled away to catch your breath, you thought you’d stop to talk – but you found yourself giving into the desire to kiss him endlessly. At least, until your breath was heaving. All you’d done was kiss.

“I want you,” you said, reaching down past Leon’s hips to find him hard.

“We shouldn’t,” he said, though you could see the intrigue in his upturned lips.

“No one’s around.”

“I’ve taken enough risks for one night. Your dad is going to murder me if he finds out I helped sneak you out of the house, and I think it’d be a lot worse if he found out from the one free phone call you’re allowed when the cops take you in.”

“What if we didn’t have sex? What if we just did a little bit more than kissing?”

“What does ‘more’ look like to you?”

“I wanna touch you. We won’t even have to take our clothes off.”

He sighed, and a bashful grin appeared on his face. He didn’t agree with words, believing he could do much better with his fingertips on your skin. Leon kissed you from your lips to your neck to your collarbone, even daring to place one on one of your breasts. It was risky to pull your top down to do it, but Leon wanted to mark you someplace only he could see it.

As soon as his hand reached the threshold between panties and skin, you unzipped his pants and started touching him. You locked eyes and stayed forehead-to-forehead until he kissed you forcefully, capturing your moans before they left your mouth.

You were left in a daze after your orgasm while Leon was hit with a moment of clarity that was much different this time than the last. He understood the risks clearly, and yet, had no second thoughts. There was nowhere he’d rather be than holding you under the stars.

When you arrived home from your date with Leon, you found your father in the kitchen.

He knew.

“We need to talk.”

“About what?”

“Where were you tonight?”

“With a friend.”

“Is your friend’s name “Leon”?”

“Don’t get mad. Please, dad.”

“Why didn’t you ask me before you went out?”

“Because I thought you’d say no.”

“At least you’re honest.” He picked up a can from the table and took a sip of it, and for a second, you thought it was beer, you thought you could turn the tables. You noticed it was a can of soda about a second before you opened your mouth to yell at him.

“I can’t stop you from sleeping with him, but you’re not doing it while you live under my roof.”

“Why are you so obsessed with the idea of us having sex?! It’s not the only thing we do.”

“Sure. You hang out. That doesn’t mean it’s love, nor does it mean that it’ll last.”

“You don’t know anything about love.”

“Maybe so. But Leon is a man in his forties who’s never had a serious relationship. And there’s a reason for that.”

“Maybe he hadn’t found the right person.”

“All I’m saying is that I can’t remember the last time I saw him go on a second date with a woman, let alone have a long-term relationship.”

“And? You ended up being a single father because you fucked up so bad that mom left you!” And if Freud was right, then that’s why I have daddy issues.

“I will not have you talk to me that way.”

“What are you gonna do about it?”

“I’ll ask you to go upstairs and think about your words or you can pack your bags and go.”

The second option was hyperbole. He would never kick you out. But you took it as truth and grabbed your purse. You called Leon from the driveway.

Your father’s disapproval became the least of your worries once you began staying with Leon. What was eating at you was the comment your father made about Leon’s love life. Over dinner one night, you confronted him.

“You said you’ve been in love before, right?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Do you still love her?”

“No.” He was sure of it. He liked Ada, liked having sex with her, but he’d fallen out of love with her a long time ago. That ship had sailed.

“How did it end?”

“What?”

“The relationship with whoever you were in love with.”

“There wasn’t really a relationship. There was nothing to end.”

You hummed in contemplation.

“Why are you so interested in this all of a sudden?”

“I don’t want you to fall out of love with me.”

“I don’t plan to, and that situation was entirely different than what we have. This, what’s between us, is much stronger.”

He looked you in the eyes, and said much softer, “I’ve never loved anyone the way I love you.”

“Why should I believe you?”

“Because I can’t fall out of love with you. I tried to, multiple times. It didn’t work and that’s why I’m here.”

“What do you mean you ‘tried to fall out of love’ with me?”

“I slept with other people… as you know,” he said, nearly wincing at the awful memory of you catching him with another woman in your living room. “And, the night I came to your house, I had just left a date.”

“So, you slept with someone before you came over and-”

“No, I went out to dinner, and she offered me… the opportunity to go back to her place, but I said no.”

“Was she ugly? Unfuckable by your standards?”

“No, wait- what?” He shook his head and tried to explain it the best he could. “I was thinking about that night in the hotel room when you said that thing about Celine and Jesse and I actually brought it up to the girl.”

“You told her about that night?”

“No, I just mentioned how I liked the movie.”

“And?”

“And she said she didn’t like it.”

“And that’s the reason you decided I was a better choice? Because she didn’t like your favorite 90s romance movie?”

“No, well, sort of, but no… I just started thinking about how you love that movie and how she’s nothing like you, and how I love you. And then I saw your picture in my wallet and… I just knew what I had to do.”

For a moment, you wondered if he was just trying to get in your pants. If he was, it was working. You gave in, telling yourself that his intentions shouldn’t matter because he wasn’t manipulating you, you were hoping he’d ask you to sleep with him anyway. You weren’t going to let your dad’s assumptions get to your head.

Leon scavenged the house but couldn’t find any condoms. “I think I’m all out,” he said, sounding very apologetic. “The drug store’s still open, though, so just gimme like 15 minutes, and I’ll be back.”

You beckoned him closer. “What if we just didn’t use one?” you asked, putting on your cutest face.

“Uh-uh,” he said, “and before you try to talk me into it, I’m serious.”

“But Leon…”

“No, that’s my final answer. I can go to the store or we can do this another time.”

“Or you could just pull out.”

“You went to health class, right?”

You nodded.

“Then, you know that the pull-out method isn’t 100% effective. Or did you convince me to pick you up the day they taught that?”

You actually had convinced him to pick you up that day, but you were still aware of the pregnancy risk if you didn’t use protection.

“What if I wanted to get pregnant?”

“You’re joking, right? This is a hypothetical.”

“Sort of, but you’re getting older – no offense – and if we wanna have kids, then maybe we should start before your sperm count decreases.”

“My sperm count is fine, and no, we are not ready for a baby.”

“You might not be.”

“Sorry, I meant you are not ready for a baby. I could take care of a child, but you’re 21.” Suddenly, your age-gap seemed to widen in Leon’s mind. He felt like he’d already raised a kid and you weren’t close to being ready to have one.

“Okay, fine,” you said. “But you wanna have kids someday, right…?” It was wishful thinking, and though you had no reason to believe Leon had the same idea in mind, you believed he did. In all your daydreams you were parents.

He was completely taken aback. “Uh…” The last time he’d been asked if he wanted to have kids it was a theoretical question, from Claire, decades ago. Back when they thought it might still be a possibility in this lifetime. “I don’t know…” He decided not to say any more, fearing he’d disappoint you.

“But, I do, and I think I’d be a good mom.” After the words left your mouth, it hit you, the horrible realization. No, you might not be a good mother, and in fact, if you had to put money on it, you wouldn’t bet on your success. If you were anything like your parents, you’d be terrible at it. It must’ve shown on your face because Leon’s expression shifted from stern to sympathetic.

“Hey,” he said, placing a hand on your shoulder, “I think you could be a great mom one day, but let’s not talk about it tonight.”

You looked up at him with tears in your eyes and wiped them away with the back of your hand before they could fall. “Yeah,” you said, forcing a smile. You tried to awkwardly laugh your way out of the discussion and Leon must’ve felt bad enough for you not to call you out.

Sex was no longer on the table – that conversation had gone stale. The idea was wholly unpalatable that night, for both of you.

“Sorry,” you said, stopping yourself before you could start your own pity party.

“Nothing to be sorry about,” he said. If you were apologizing for being obstinate and trying to manipulate your way into unprotected sex, he’d take the apology, but he knew what you meant: I’m sorry for killing your boner and crushing my own dreams. It wasn’t your fault for hoping Leon could be more than the man he was.

You fell asleep quickly, as one does after crying. Leon’s arms around you eased your pain. Some things never changed.

When you were younger, like many little girls, you liked to play with baby dolls – you bottle-fed them, pushed them in a stroller, rocked them to sleep, but it was all pretend. You believed motherhood would be easy back then, and it wasn’t like Leon was going to crush a little girl’s dreams by telling her the harsh realities of being a parent.

When you were very little – little enough that this memory is one only Leon bore the burden of keeping – Leon mentioned something about you pretending to be a mommy, to which you remarked, “I don’t know how to play mommy.”

Sure, kids talk nonsense, but regardless of your intent, you didn’t have a mother figure, and you never would. Leon didn’t have the same delusional optimism that your father had in the beginning. He was convinced your mom would come back to him. Leon knew better than to get his hopes up, not that he had much at stake.

Ironically, the father you grew up with, the morbid, ever-pessimistic father, was a direct result of his prior optimism. He decided being a cynic would protect him from being disappointed. He never perfected the art of acting happy in front of the kid quite like Leon did. Then again, Leon knew depression, even suicidality, but he’d never been heartbroken to the extent that your dad had because he’d never given himself over to someone entirely. After watching your dad fall headfirst into alcoholism, Leon was being reasonable by keeping himself guarded. Or so he thought at the time. Now, he began to consider the fact that he may not have been as brave as he’d always thought he was. He was a hero, risking his life to eradicate the threats of bioterrorism worldwide. But, he didn’t choose that life, he fell into his position as an agent due to his own cowardice – at least, that’s how he felt when he couldn’t pull the trigger when he held his own gun to his temple.

In retrospect, he was glad he hadn’t gone through with his plan to off himself. Classify it how you want – cowardice for backing down or bravery for deciding to stay alive – Leon was still alive decades later. And before him stood another one of life’s toughest decisions, though the answer was much clearer this time. Would he let himself fall in love with you, knowing you could break his heart? Yes, though, he didn’t have much say in the matter by the time he realized what was happening. He didn’t choose to set his soul on the table in front of a starving woman. You pulled it out of him with every kiss, every laugh, every steady breath you took while you lay next to him in bed.

When Leon walked in the door, you were there to greet him like a pet who’d been left alone for hours, desperate for affection. Unlike a puppy, you didn’t pounce on him immediately. With his arms behind his back, he said, “I got you a present — pick a hand.”

As skeptical as you were, your intrigue was stronger. You tapped his right arm and he held out a box of condoms. “Surprise,” he said.

“I think this ‘present’ might be for you,” you said.

“You caught me,” he said, already leaning in for the kiss that would lead to the night’s escapades.

Leon planned to take you to the bedroom like a gentleman would, but you dragged him over to the couch, shoved him into a seated position, and stripped in front of him. He had to resist the urge to speak, knowing he’d say something stupid since the image of you in your current state had taken over his mind entirely, turning everything else to mush. The only organ still at work was the one in his pants, and that one was working overtime.

You straddled his lap once you were down to your underwear – a matching lace set. Since you and Leon had become official, you made sure you were always prepared. Not that he expected you to dress up for him. Maybe it was the nagging voice in the back of your mind that constantly reminded you that he’d been with other women. You had others to compete with for the top spot in his mind. He didn’t. He was your best and your only.

You had no idea how many women Leon had been with – romantically or sexually, and you were afraid to ask, worried that the amount would be high enough that he wouldn’t recall the exact number. He told you that you were the best he’d ever had, but people lie. All the time.

You tore off Leon’s dress shirt, haphazardly popping one of the buttons off. “I liked this shirt,” Leon mumbled, momentarily disappointed.

When you sank to your knees, all was forgiven. There was a tiny voice in the back of his head that told him this was wrong. He should be taking care of you, right? You’re his baby girl, you can’t do this – not that he’s naive enough to believe that you’re the innocent little girl you used to be, he knew for a fact that you’d left that girl in the past for a woman who was looking at him bright-eyed, kneeling at his feet – but you could get hurt doing this, you could choke if you overexerted yourself.

You were teary-eyed and gagging before he could think of a way to protect your poor throat. An overachiever. Part of Leon’s mind was enraptured by the sight and begging him to let you continue. If you were any other girl, maybe he would give over all control to you. But the reasonable man he became the day he met you, a baby wrapped in a pink blanket, remained stronger than the sex-crazed idiot he was before.

He pulled you off of him gently. Maybe it was just an illusion from your watery eyes, but you looked hurt.

“What did I do wrong?”

“Nothing,” he said, soft and sweet, “but you’re gonna hurt yourself if you keep doing it like that.”

“I want to make you feel good.”

“You are.”

“But I wanna do more, I wanna please you.”

“You wanna please me, huh?” You could see the glint of mischief in his eyes, but you hadn’t figured out its source yet.

“Yes, please, I’ll do whatever you want.”

“Whatever I want?” He pretended to be astonished by your offer. You were being hyperbolic, he assumed – he hoped. “Okay,” he said, standing up, “c’mon.” He held out his hand for you to take.

You grabbed his hand without hesitation, and he led you to the bedroom. The tables turned the moment you entered the room when he pushed you down on the bed. He climbed atop you and kissed you forcefully, undoing your bra with his deft fingers.

With open-mouthed kisses he made his way down your stomach stopping only to remove your panties, only a thin layer of lace between his mouth and your core. He was more careful when he undressed you than you were when you did the same for him. He wanted to see you in this again.

His lips teased your inner thighs first. He placed soft kisses everywhere except the place you wanted to feel his mouth most. He only gave in when you started to squirm. The sound you made when his tongue touched your clit told him how much you longed for this.

“You taste so good, baby,” he said, words muffled as his mouth was occupied.

“Leon, wait-”

He looked up at you, with kiss-dark lips and a dazed expression, clearly having been somewhere else mentally.

“I said I wanted to please you, so-”

“Trust me, I am more than pleased with what I’m doing right now.”

You were conflicted. Maybe he was a rare breed of man who truly got off on going down on women, or maybe he was lying. But if he were, he would be doing it because he wanted to make you happy. Because he wanted you.

And who were you to deny him?

You were multiple orgasms in when you finally got Leon to come up for air. His hair was a mess all thanks to your hands tugging at the strands. You were surprised he came up looking relatively unscathed when you’d worried you’d suffocated him with your thighs, maybe twisted his neck too. But, no, he met you face-to-face with a grin, only superseded in prominence by his hard-on.

You ran your thumb over his tip, through the fabric of his underwear which now had a small wet spot, and he groaned.

“My offer still stands,” you said.

His eyes flickered to your smile, which was wider than his and even his ever-bleeding heart couldn’t protest. His dick wasn’t the only part of him that wanted you.

Leon always had an acute awareness of his own mortality. From the moment his parents were ripped away from him as a child, he realized the harsh reality that death can never be fully anticipated and all too often it happens far too early in one’s life. He was aware of that fact, but hadn’t watched anyone die in front of him until the Raccoon City incident. It takes seeing to believe. And even after believing the truth, it took him years to accept it.

It took him until he was 40 to get to that point. Even then, every ill-fated day that Hunnigan called him while he was with you, he was confronted with the same unsettling feeling, the fear of death that he thought he’d gotten over.

If he had to leave unexpectedly, he’d wake you up before he did, give you a hug goodbye. Sometimes, you were in such a deep sleep that you didn’t remember him saying goodbye at all. You’d later accuse him of leaving without telling you, and from then on, he’d leave a note by your bedside to confirm that he’d been there.

You kept them in a box in your closet. They were the sad reminders of the fact that he was gone, but they smelled like him. You always wondered how it was possible for paper to absorb the scent of someone’s cologne so easily. As it turned out, it wasn’t magic or an obscure fact of science, but rather, Leon spraying cologne directly onto the paper because he knew you liked the smell of it.

In the beginning, you watched Leon get dressed in the morning just as you’d imagined back in the hotel room months ago.

Leon got up early while you stayed in bed, but he never left without kissing you goodbye. It was a bit of tradition and a bit of superstition. When he cupped your cheek, you felt the cold metal from the watch on his wrist against your skin.

Eventually, you became accustomed to the sound of Leon’s 6:30 AM alarm and the feeling of his weight being lifted from the bed. You could sleep through his morning routine until the goodbye kiss he always gave you on the forehead. Loving, but so sadly superstitious on his end.

You realized that part later.

You were awoken bright and early by Leon, which was generally a beautiful thing – though, that morning you could hear the apprehension in his voice. You were acutely aware that something was wrong. Sometimes it seemed his hyper-vigilance was wearing off on you.

“What’s wrong?” you asked.

He held himself back from asking you how you knew. “Nothing major,” he sighed, picking his words carefully. “I have to leave this afternoon.”

“Where are you going?” Based on his tone, you could guess that it wasn’t a tropical island vacation. He had business to take care of, and you certainly weren’t going with him. It didn’t really matter what city or country he was leaving for; it was all equally dangerous.

“Romania. I might be gone for a few weeks.” So, I woke you up early to spend as many hours with you as possible before I leave.

“I’m going to miss you,” you said, though your voice gave way to something you wouldn’t say until hours later, when you were naked in the sheets together, having one last bout of intimacy before his flight: “I’m scared of you dying”.

Often, in the post-orgasmic bliss, you tell him how much you love him, how good the sex was, and infinite praises. That morning, you told him you were scared he was going to die, and the minutes before that meant something entirely different. While he was away, memories of you beneath him would permeate his mind. It wasn’t the first time you had affected his ability to focus in the field, but now, he was overcome with not only longing, but also sadness and an unprecedented wave of guilt. How could he leave you like this? You must be worried sick. Hopefully, you’ve patched things over with your dad.

While Leon was gone, you moved back in with your dad. You rung his doorbell, ready to beg for his forgiveness, something you never thought you’d have to do.

To your surprise, he opened the front door with a smile.

“It’s good to see you,” he said when he pulled you into a hug. “I missed my little girl.”

You had convinced yourself that you’d made yourself immune to your father’s actions, that he couldn’t make you cry anymore. But, you broke down in tears. You were so used to apologies, excuses, and bargains. He rarely said he missed you, and never with such conviction.

“I missed you too, dad,” you said, refusing to let go of him. You had the shared knowledge that you didn’t mean that you’d missed him for the small period of time you spent at Leon’s, you missed the person he was when he was sober, the person who was standing in front of you. There was a significant period of your childhood during which he was sober, or at least rarely drunk, but you’d accepted that the man he was then had abandoned you. He was home.

He noticed your suitcase, and asked, “Are you planning on staying awhile?” He was trying not to get his hopes up. That was something you had in common.

“Can I?” you asked.

“Of course. I haven’t changed your room into a man cave just yet.”

He carried your suitcase upstairs, he helped you put the fitted sheet on your bed, he cooked dinner and sat across the table from you. It didn’t feel like a transaction or a placation either.

The topic was inevitably brought up.

“So, Leon…” he said, hoping you could fill in the blanks.

“I still love him, and I want to be with him,” you said.

His pointed gaze asked, why are you here?

“He had to leave for work,” you answered.

He nodded, accepting the situation. “I’ve been thinking a lot while you were gone.”

You braced yourself for impact.

“I think I was being too hard on Leon… and on you. I’ll admit, I still think it’s a little weird to see you two like that.” He looked up from his plate and made eye contact finally. “And I don’t want to find you two getting it on in my living room.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it.”

“But, as long as he’s good to you, I’ll learn to be supportive. I don’t want to lose either of you in my life, especially my daughter.”

“Me neither. I want to be with Leon, but I need my dad too.”

“I know.” He paused before saying, “Plus, I thought about it, and if you insist on dating a middle-aged man, there are much worse ones you could pick.”

Leon came home with a bloody nose, broken fingers and too many bruises to count. His clothes were torn and dirty, his eyes were tired, but his smile was warm as ever.

You wanted so badly to run into his embrace but you approached him slowly. Much like when he fell from the pedestal you kept him on the day you found him with another woman in the living room, his facade crumbled in front of you. His injuries were proof that he was breakable. He was made of skin and bone, powered by blood pumping through his veins just like you, not stardust or whatever angels are made of.

“I missed you,” you said, holding back tears.

“I missed you, too,” he said. He looked oddly well-adjusted to the situation. You wondered how many times he’d come home beaten up like this. Moreover, how many times there was a woman waiting for him.

This was the first time he'd tell you if you’d asked.

He headed towards the kitchen, but you stopped him.

“I’m just getting a glass of water, baby. I promise I’m not leaving.”

“I’ll get it. You should sit.”

He held up his hands in surrender. “Okay,” he said, backing towards the couch. He was too exhausted to argue. It was emasculating to have you take care of him, but he’d have to get used to it. He realized, then, that you’d do this for him – you’d have to – if you stayed with him through his old age. If he made it that far.

You brought him some water and sat down on the couch next to him. You surveyed his injuries. You tried not to stare, but failed. Even if he wasn’t covered in blood, you’d stare – he was the love of your life, how could you not?

“What?” he said, turning to you.

“Just looking at you,” you said, trying to remain cheery, though your tone gave way to something sad.

“I’m okay,” he said. “I’ve been through way worse.”

“That doesn’t make me feel better.”

He shrugged. “You told me to come back alive, not to come back unscathed,” he said.

You frowned. He grabbed your chin and moved closer to you, going in for the kiss. “If you don’t want me like this, then-” he started.

You cut him off with a kiss. You were lucky his lips weren’t injured. You could kiss him as hard as you wanted. And you did. When you pulled back, you said, “I want you like this. I’ve wanted you for weeks.”

He tried to speak, but you put your finger to his lips, shushing him. “But first,” you said, “I want to get you cleaned up.”

“Don’t worry. I planned on taking a shower before getting into bed.”

You stood and offered him your hand. He took it and headed for the bathroom, grabbing a towel from the linen closet on the way. When he noticed you were following him, he asked, “Are you coming with?”

“Yeah,” you said as if it should have been obvious. “Who else is going to help wash you?”

He sighed, and you could tell what he was thinking by the look on his face.

“You’ve taken care of me my whole life. Let me take care of you for once,” you said.

“Fine, but don’t get used to it. When I’m all healed, I’ll be taking care of you.”

“Whatever you say.”

You watched him strip and all of your thoughts faded – aside from one, which you spoke aloud. “You’re so hot. Your dick better not be injured.”

He laughed. “Don’t worry. I kept it safe just for you.”

He turned on the water and tried to adjust it to the optimal temperature, but he got distracted when your clothes came off. He whistled.

“Leon!” You covered up instinctively, feeling flustered by his whistling.

“Oh come on,” he said, “You’re gorgeous. I couldn’t help myself.”

His shower was not made for two – and it was further complicated by the fact that Leon had to bend over for you to be able to reach his head. But, you made it work. It felt emasculating, borderline humiliating, on his end to be so incapable of something simple, and to have to rely on his girlfriend to do it for him. But your soft hands washing his skin and your fingertips massaging his scalp, the way you made sure not to miss a single spot on his body, the way you cared – all he had was gratitude. And a whole lot of love for you.

[kingcons]

The substance is the most upsetting movie of the year to me. Full disclosure, this isn’t any ground breaking stuff you’re about to read, just me writing down my thoughts. Most of which have probably been said before by now. But it you want to read my ramblings, here ya go:

Spoilers for the whole movie below. If you haven’t seen this movie and like extreme horror (specifically body horror) please watch it. It’s fantastic and possibly my new favorite movie.

Sue and Elizabeth both deserved a chance at happiness. That is the thing that kills me about that movie. Under all the gore and grimness and camp it’s just so fucking sad.

Anything one does to the other is just them doing it to themselves. You can try to kill the part of you that hurts or fails or is ugly or weak or older or more scarred or not as nice - but it’s part of you. You are one, as the movie says over and over. This is such a tragic movie to me.

Aging is body horror. This is partly because of societal pressures and toxic beauty standards, but it’s also a slow crawl to death. It’s watching something you need to live break down and fall apart in front of your eyes and not being able to permanently fix it. Death is an inevitability that comes for us all, but aging can be worse for some. When we die, whatever may happen to our soul or if anything even happens at all, it’ll happen whether we want it to or not. There’s nothing to fear in the inevitable, but there’s also no reason to rush what may be your only shot at existence. And if you do want to live a long filled life, you have to accept that aging is a part of it.

Elisabeth being so desperate for perfection and for her career back is a story that’s as old as time. It’s not really her fault she was pushed to use the substance, but it is her responsibility that she fully carried out making a new ‘better’ version of herself. She doesn’t really have any friends or family more than that, just a big luxury apartment with a giant picture of herself at her peak. It stares at her all the time, and it’s what she tried to be everyday. But even as Sue, suddenly that wasn’t even enough. She needed to be better and more beautiful.

It broke my heart when Elisabeth tried to kill sue despite how she ended up looking. She didn’t care anymore, she just wanted to live as pain free as she could. And it was a further tug on my heart strings when she regretted this. Because Elisabeth had accepted sue as a part of herself, and was tired of hurting that part because it was hurting her. She just wanted it to end. She just wanted things to go back to normal and they can’t and it’s all her fault and she literally has no one in the world but her and her ‘more perfect’ self for comfort. And her ‘more perfect’ self then proceeds to brutally kill her.

I know it was mostly to hurt Elisabeth’s feelings but sue’s tv interview where she made up a story of her family is also oddly sad to me. She doesn’t have that. She has memories of Elisabeth’s life, but she has defined herself as a different person now. A person who came into existence in their early to mid twenties combined with the split consciousness of what was essentially her own mother. Of course she’s fucking terrified of switching back. Not only does Elisabeth herself like Sue’s body more, but to switch would mean she’s no longer in control and it would mean having to live in a decrepit and dying body who she herself has twisted beyond recognition. Then for Sue to be almost killed by her own giver of life (herself), lash out and try to kill the part of her who is unloved, and realizing that part of her even from after death is having the last laugh almost, as she literally falls apart piece by piece on what was supposed to be a magical night just for her.

Of course, we have to talk about their final form. Monstero Elisasue. Quick side note, I honestly don’t think Sue was stupid or irresponsible for using the activator even though it warned it was for single use. I think literally anyone in her shoes would do the same thing. She was breaking down in front of her very eyes and dying in such a slow and horrible way that she was desperate to do anything to stop it - to do anything to still be beautiful. She was in a crisis both physically and mentally.

Back on track, I think there’s definitely something to be said about although this was never meant to happen, the substance still made this in an attempt to create ‘a better version of both Sue and Elisabeth’. And it IS. not physically, of course, but emotionally this is when they finally accept themselves as one person and love themselves again. It’s so sad to me because elisasue was not evil or violent, but because she looked so horrific, it didn’t matter that she was happy to the crowd. They were terrified of her and killed her. Elisasue is not a monster, despite looking like one. She’s a new being. A copy of a copy. When she says “it’s still me” it breaks my heart because she genuinely thought she’d be accepted and loved just the same but instead she was met with violence and fear. She lived for only a few hours, and in that time she was shown nothing but hatred. Because it didn’t matter that she was happy, it only mattered that she couldn’t make money anymore. That is of course reading into the symbolism, the reality of what happened showed some understandable reactions even if they weren’t kind. Being disgusted and terrified of elisasue is pretty reasonable given how she looks and just what she is. I’m not saying she’s gonna win any modeling competitions any time soon. But I am saying that she finally figured out there was more to life than looks and youth and fitness and that, right there, is what thematically gets her killed.

At the end with her on the star, I felt almost relief for the first time watching that movie. She’s genuinely happy. She doesn’t care that she’s literally just a face and some fleshy tendrils, she’s truly happy and at peace. I don’t even know if she’s aware she’s dying at that point or if she just doesn’t care. Maybe she can’t comprehend it because her new form is so different from her first one. She dies after melting into her stardom. She gave everything to her career and it gave her nothing back. But at the very end, she’s at peace. She’s finally who she wants to be without the pain of toxic beauty standards. And she just fades away, like the universe finally decided she’d suffered enough for being human.

There’s a lot I could talk about with cinematography, music, sound design, lighting and practical effects, but I’ll do that another time. This is just me talking about my thoughts on the story and characters.

I rate this movie:

9/10. The only reason it’s not 10 is because I think the origin and creation of the substance is a bit poorly explained. However, that’s such a small detail that it doesn’t offend me. Also because I HATED the nail in the elevator scene that made me cringe. But yeah, this movie fucks hard. If you think you have the stomach for it, do not miss out. It’s very hard hitting and surprisingly sad. It blends crazy body horror with tragedy quite well.

very reminiscent of the fly, Raw/grave, it follows, the thing and even somewhat doctor who (anyone remember the eleventh doctor two part episode ‘the flesh’?) Demi Moore and Margaret Qualley are phenomenally talented. I am desperate for them to do horror or drama in future, they fucking killed it. Such talent and skill. Bravo. Coralie Fargeat is a very very good director, too. This idea and execution for this movie were wild and brilliant and awful and terrible all at the same time. She’s a true artist and I hope she does a lot more fucked up things in future.

[whatsk-poppinhomies]

Pairing : (College AU)non!idol!Kim Seungmin x F!Reader TW : established relationship ; bullying ; depression ; attempted su*c*de ; major angst ; is it considered fluffy at the end or more yandere the way that Seungmin acts at the end??? ; let me know!!! Word Count : 4.6k Request : Anon : depressed reader gets actively bullied and bruised which leads to a suicide attempt. seungmin never thought it was that serious once she brought it up to him. but after her failed attempt he is now extra careful with her and maybe a bit mad at himself for not taking it seriously. A/N : PLEASE READ THE TRIGGER WARNINGS BEFORE CLICKING READ MORE!! To the anon that requested this, I hope you're still here and you remember sending this in! I'm finally posting it!! I hope you enjoy it! The gif came from this blog!!

It rained again today… It seemed like everyone on campus knew that the storm was coming, everyone but you. Umbrellas were pushed open all around you as you quickly put your hood up, the downpour was torrential and you were soaked within the first minute of your walk back to your dorms. It didn’t help that people seemed to be purposely angling their umbrellas so that whenever you walked by, the rain from the top would pour onto your head. 

You’re overthinking it… There’s no reason anyone would purposely do something like that to you. You don’t deserve that. Is what everyone else would say, even your boyfriend… And you would have believed them if not for the insults that were constantly hurled in your direction and the scrapes and bruises that littered your knees and elbows from being pushed around and laughed at when you fell to the ground. You didn’t believe them… And they didn’t believe you. 

By the time you got to your building you were dripping wet, but the attacks wouldn’t stop until you were behind closed doors, in the safety of your room, at least for the next couple hours until the next day started and you got to go through it all over again. That was your life, a constant repeat of the day before, and you weren’t sure how much more of it you could take. 

As soon as you walked through the front door of your building you heard it, the laughter of the girls who seemed to make it their job to make sure your life was hell. You weren’t sure what you had done to make them hate you so much, you had never even talked to them, but they still decided to target you. 

“God, look at the shit they let live in the building with us.” One of them said, although you sure it was the main girl talking. Every clique had a leader, and it was obvious that she was the leader of the group. Everyone else just decided to follow along, and maybe it was because they were scared of being on the receiving end of the girls shit. You were done being scared though, you had simply become numb to it. “What should we do? She looks like a fucking sewer rat, dripping shit all over the entrance. Disgusting.” 

You couldn’t walk fast enough, and even if you tried to, you were sure that she’d catch up. She was following right behind you, and before you could even get your foot on the first step, you were being pushed, your knee cracking loudly as it hit the edge of the stair. You didn’t make a sound, you didn’t wince, you didn’t cry, you just got back up, trying your best to focus on anything but the pain that shot through your leg as you continued walking up the stairs. 

“Now she’s an injured rat, maybe she should just put herself out of her misery. It’s not like anyone wants her here anyway.” They all laughed, like your pain and your suffering was entertainment for all of them. Maybe they were just bored… It’s not like you could do anything about it. If you said anything, it would only make things worse and no one would ever believe you… You were nobody… There wasn’t a single person who would notice if you were gone. 

“I’ll be back tomorrow morning if you want to go out and get breakfast together before class.” Seungmins voice came through the speaker of your phone as it sat on the bed. You hummed softly, not in agreement, not in disagreement either though. It was a sound only to let him know that you were there, that you were still listening. “Did you bring your umbrella with you today? It was raining really bad.” 

You hummed again, once again becoming aware of just how wet you were, your clothes soaking through to the mattress that you were sitting on. “Yeah… I’m gonna take a shower and then a nap… I’ve got a lot of studying to do… Want to be well rested.” You muttered, your voice almost robotic, but he didn’t pick up on it, or maybe he did and he just decided to ignore it. 

“Alright. Don’t study too hard. I’ll see you in the morning, I’ll pick you up.” His voice was as cheerful as usual, not a care in the world… and why would he have one? He didn’t go through what you did. He didn’t know what it was like, and he refused to believe that it happened to you… In his eyes, everything was perfect. Nothing was ever wrong because it didn’t hurt him… not personally at least. 

That’s how it always was… He either didn’t want to believe that such horrible people existed, or he just blew it off, assuming that you were making it seem worse than it actually was. That’s why you didn’t even tell him anymore. You were tired of wasting your breath, trying to call out for help, trying to get him to listen to you and be there for you. It was all pointless. Nothing would ever change… Not for you, not unless you did something… You were the only person who could help yourself. 

Your roommate wasn’t back yet, she was always out late studying. It was the perfect opportunity, the perfect time. No one would ever know, and by the time they did, it would be too late. You weren’t going to continue being tortured, you shouldn’t have to continue suffering just to make other people's lives easier, to give them their daily dose of entertainment. You shouldn’t have to go through hell just so someone’s perfect view of the world wasn’t soiled. 

Your phone was left on the bed as you went to the bathroom, shutting the door behind you and taking a deep breath. It would be over soon, it would all be over soon. It’s not like anyone wants you here anyway… Those words repeated over and over in your mind as you dug through the cabinet under the sink, pulling out the razors that you had bought a couple months before. They were purchased right before your talk with Seungmin. You had wanted so badly for him to listen to you, to tell you that everything would be okay, that he’d help you… You were wrong in wanting those things, you hadn’t gotten any of them. You weren’t sure why you had even held out this long after the talk, it’s not like anything was getting better, and you knew then that nothing would ever be better. 

The hoodie that you had been wearing was pulled off, dropping to the ground with a heavy thud, the soaking fabric creating a puddle where it landed. The shower was turned on, the spicket turned all the way to hot. If this would be your final moment, you at least wanted to be comfortable for as long as it lasted. 

Hesitating was something you did often. You hesitated when having to pick a multiple choice answer on a test. You had hesitated a little too long when you were called to the front of the class to answer a question on the board. You even hesitated when Seungmin had asked you to be his girlfriend. Hesitation was just… your thing. Not now though, you didn’t hesitate at all as you climbed into the tub, lowering yourself down into the tub. There was no reason to take pause, your decision would affect no one, no one but yourself, and the only effect it would have on you was positive. You would finally be free, and you saw nothing wrong in wanting that. 

It was much easier to sleep, to let yourself drift off knowing that you’d have no worries left, knowing that once your eyes were shut, they would be shut for good. You let your wrists fall into the water that filled up around you, focusing only on the sound of the shower, the way it felt like rain as it poured down around you. You’d be okay soon, and while you didn’t know where you’d go or what would happen next… At least you wouldn’t be in hell, at least not this one. 

“I really have to go to the bathroom, stupid rain. Just wait here, I’ll be out soon.” Your roommate said as she burst through the door, the rest of her study group drenched as they filed in behind her. She knocked once on the door to the bathroom, then once more, rocking back and forth impatiently as she waited for you to give her the okay to come in. “Fuck it!” She called out as she pushed open the door, coming to a full stop when she saw you, the bath water a dark red as it inched closer and closer to spilling over the sides. “Help! Come help me! Oh my god! Call an ambulance! Fuck! What the fuck!?” She shouted, running over to the tub and grabbing your arms, holding them above your head to try to stop the bleeding. 

The rest of them rushed in, some of them screamed when they saw you, your color almost completely drained. Others were pulling out their phones, trying to make the same call at the same time. The ones who screamed were ordered to come over and help, their hands shaking as they tried to help your roommate pull you out of the tub. The others who were on the phone were all trying to tell your roommate and the few others what to do to try to help, at least until the paramedics arrived. 

It was strange how even with all the commotion, your mind was happy. You could hear all of it, but you refused to focus on it, scared that if you did it would bring you back to the hell that you called life, the hell that you were trying to escape. “Why would she do that? Why? Are her grades bad? She could have come to study group with us!” Someone had shouted, and if you weren’t feeling so tired, you might have actually laughed. Your grades were the least of your problems, they weren’t even on your list of problems. Of course, your roommate had never believed you either, so she had probably never brought it up to the rest of her group. 

“Check… Check to see if her heart is still beating!” One of the guys shakily ordered, and your roommate pressed her fingers against your neck, her eyes squeezed shut as she tried to focus on the feeling of the faint beat that came a little too slow. Time was running out, and you felt it too, it was a good feeling, to know that soon you’d gone. There would be no more suffering, no more nights spent lying in your bed crying as you wished that someone, anyone, would understand you, that they’d just listen. 

Sirens sang outside the building and you wished that you had done it earlier, that you hadn’t even answered the call from Seungmin. Maybe if you had cut a little deeper… maybe you had been hesitating, a little bit of hope left that maybe now someone would help. Did you really want to die or did you just want things to get better? Would things even get better? At least you were feeling tired, no matter what happened now, you’d be so out of it you wouldn’t remember. Maybe you wouldn’t wake up, maybe it would still work. Maybe… 

“Dude, have you seen on twitter?” Jisung asked, leaning back in his chair as he scrolled through his phone. Seungmin was sitting across from him, more focused on his meal. “There was a freaking suicide attempt back on campus… there’s literally live updates right now.” Seungmin rolled his eyes, not nearly as impressed as Jisung for some reason was. “That looks a lot like Y/Ns building! You should call her! See if she knows what’s going on!” 

The last thing Seungmin wanted to do was bother you when you had told him you were studying, but by the way Jisung was looking at him, Seungmin knew he wouldn’t let up. “Fine… But I’m not gonna force her to look at that. She can’t handle that kind of stuff.” He mumbled, pulling his phone out of his pocket. It’s not just that you couldn’t handle it, you absolutely hated stuff like that. You couldn’t even watch horror movies without hiding in Seungmins shoulder for the better half of the movie. 

Jisung watched as Seungmin dialed your number, his knee bouncing so much under the table that Seungmin could feel it in the floor. “S-Seungmin!” A male voice came over the phone, it wasn’t you at all, and the man sounded breathless and his voice was shaky. Now, Seungmin wasn’t the type of person to jump to conclusions, but he couldn’t help but get a little worked up when he heard anyone but you on the other end of the line. 

“Who are you? Where’s Y/N?” Seungmin hissed through the phone, his fist already balled up on the table as he awaited an explanation. Knowing you it would probably be a good one, one that would have Seungmin feeling foolish while laughing about it later with you. You probably just left your phone at the cafe that you always went to… But that wouldn’t explain the urgency in the person's voice… This was someone who knew something or had done something and it wasn’t good. “Where is she?” Seungmin asked again, and he could feel Jisungs eyes on him, eating up the drama without a word, enjoying it far too much since he wasn’t the one personally involved in it. 

“Hospital… Ambulance… Lia found her… Come fast…” The man said, and then the line went silent, leaving Seungmin to put the pieces together. He reached across the table to grab Jisungs phone, still open to the twitter feed about the attempted suicide, and as he scrolled through the pictures it became quite clear to him. Your room, with the yellow tape making a big X across the door, your bed that was still made just as it had been this morning. Your bag sat on the floor next to your nightstand where you always left it… And on the nightstand table was a picture of you and him together. 

“H-Hey! Where are you going?!” Jisung shouted as Seungmin pushed away from the table, his chair falling back and crashing against the floor as he ran to the front door and pulled on his shoes. The trip that he and the guys in his club had gone on had him miles away from you, of course that’s how it would work out, why wouldn’t it be like that? He needed to be with you the most right now and it would take him hours just to get there. “What is going on?! Come on, dude! Tell me!” 

“It was her!” Seungmin shouted to Jisung, although nothing would stop him from moving forward right now. He was on a steady track and it led only to you. He wasn’t crying, not yet, for now he kept the tears at bay with nothing but anger. Anger towards himself for not being there to stop it, anger with you for doing something so stupid. Did you even know what that would have done to him? He loves you, and you were going to just take yourself away from him like that without a word? Why didn’t you talk to him? Why didn’t you tell him? What was going on that would make you think to do something like that? He didn’t get it, and that was only pissing him off more. Right now he just needed to get to you, make sure that you’d be okay. 

~~~

“She lost a lot of blood, so we had to do a transfusion. She’ll be okay, we just need to keep watch over her, make sure everything stays good.” 

“Can I see her? Why aren’t you letting me in her room? What’s going on? Let me see her!” 

“They would like to talk to you first… Before you see her…” 

He sat in the lounge room, his hands folded on the table as he looked at the officer across from him. He didn’t know what it was about, but he tried his best to keep calm even though all he wanted to do was get to your room and sit beside you. “Kim Seungmin… You were her boyfriend, right?” The officer questioned and Seungmin narrowed his eyes as it set in that he was about to be interrogated for this shit. 

“I am her boyfriend… Present tense…” He responded, quite snarkily, but this felt like a complete waste of time to him. “Is there a reason why you’re doing this? Do you guys think someone else did this to her and set it up?” 

The cop shook his head, leaning back in his chair as he looked over Seungmin. “Where were you tonight? How did you know to come here? Seems like you came pretty fast too… Like you knew this was going to happen…” 

Seungmins eyes went wide and his jaw was slack as he stared at the officer. How could someone even insinuate that this was somehow his fault? “I was three hours away with my club. I’ve been out for almost a week going to different high schools trying to get people to apply to the university. I called her because my friend saw a bunch of posts on twitter about something happening… I didn’t know it was her until some random guy answered and told me.” He ran his hand through his hair, his teeth gritted as he closed his eyes, his composure slowly wearing thin. “I came fast because she’s my girlfriend… I’d like to think that anyone else would do the same thing. I broke a lot of traffic laws to get here as fast as I did.” 

“Do you two ever fight? Does it ever get physically violent?” The officer rapidly tapped his pen against his notebook, the sound going straight to Seungmins head, driving him absolutely crazy. The assumptions were absolutely preposterous, only fueling his anger towards the entire situation. 

“Look man, I don’t know what kind of information you’re fishing for, but I didn’t do anything. I’ve never laid my hands on her. I love her… And I really want to be with her right now. Can we be done with this?” 

“So you love your girlfriend so much, you never laid a hand on her… Yet she’s covered in bruises? If we didn’t know any better, it looks as though someone might have mistook her for a punching bag.” Seungmins stomach dropped as he listened to the officer, and while he knew that he himself hadn’t been the one to cause those marks on you, a certain rage built inside of him as he tried to think about who would hurt you like that. “Do you know of any accidents she might have been in to cause her kneecap to be entirely shattered? Do you know anything at all?” 

His head shook as his tears finally began to fall. You had never told him anything… What had happened to you while he was away? “I… I don’t know… I’d just really like to see her… Please…” His head dropped into his hands as he sobbed quietly, his body shaking with ragged breaths. 

Seungmin was no help to the investigation, and the officer quickly realized that, helping him out of his chair and then leading him out of the room, motioning towards the closed door that would soon open and reveal you to him. Were you awake yet? He had so many questions that he wanted to ask you, but the biggest question of all was why… Why would you do something like that? If you answered that one question, he’d have the answer to a lot of his other questions too. 

The nurse let him into the room, and seeing you, it had his heart breaking. You looked so weak, so fragile, your arms were completely wrapped up in gauze, your leg had been casted and hooked to a strap in the ceiling to keep it elevated. “Are you sleeping?” Seungmin whispered as he got closer to your bed, his fingers lightly brushing against yours as he stood beside you. The IV for the blood that was being pumped into you had to be inserted in one of the veins in your neck, the sight of it causing a cold chill to run up his spine. “I’m here now…” 

“Do you… believe me… now?” Your voice was so quiet, and your eyes were still shut, if there had been other people in the room he would have sworn it was someone else talking, but you were the only one there, and now he was trying to think of what you could possibly mean. “Was this… enough?” 

His hands held onto yours a little tighter as the reels in his mind turned, trying to understand what you were talking about, but nothing was coming up. “What are you talking about? I always believe you… What happened? Tell me, please… I want to help you… I don’t want this to happen again… Talk to me…” 

Your fingers twitched against his own, yet your eyes seemed to be glued shut, and even as he was watching your face, it didn’t even look like your mouth was moving even though words were coming out. “People are bad… Seungmin…” People are bad…. What does that even mean? What do you mean? Your answers were only creating more questions for him. 

“Visiting hours are over now, sir.” The nurse said from the door. He hadn’t been given enough time though, he needed to know, he needed to know what you were talking about. His head shook rapidly as he kept watching over you. He didn’t want to leave you, even if you didn’t answer any more of his questions, he wanted to stay beside you. “She needs to rest, sir… You can come back in the morning to see her. Okay?” 

It’s not like he had a choice, and he didn’t want to have to be escorted out by the officer who interrogated him, so he pressed a quick kiss to your forehead before walking backwards to the door. “I’ll be back tomorrow as early as I can… I promise. I’ll be back.” 

People are bad… He mulled over the words in his head as he walked through the parking lot and climbed into his car. What the hell did it mean? He couldn’t ask you now… And the only place he could go for any sort of answer was your dorm. Was it still taped off? It’s not like it was a crime scene… It should be open. 

The building wasn’t too far from the hospital, he was there within ten minutes, and when he pulled up he could see a group of people sitting on the bench outside smoking a cigarette. You always told him how you hated that, having to walk through the cloud of smoke just to get to the front doors, and it seemed like they would purposely blow it in your direction… People are bad… He’d always tell you that it was just the wind blowing it towards you, that people wouldn’t purposely do something like that. 

“I can’t believe she actually did that. What a fucking drama queen.” “She didn’t even write a note. It’s like she was looking for attention.” “How embarrassing for her boyfriend. He’ll probably dump her. Nobody wants to date the campus suicide risk.” “Oh please, it was embarrassing for him to date her in general. I’m sure he only did it out of pity.” “Whatever, the bitch should have cut deeper.” 

How could they talk so harshly about you? Were these the ones… the ones that you had told him about before? “Do you believe me now?” He hadn’t believed you then… If he had, would you have done this? He could have stopped them… He would have stopped them. They were still talking, loud enough for everyone to hear… And no one cared. No one cared enough to tell them to shut up, no one… You could be dead… And they talked about you like you were shit. 

“Hey, at least we’ll have a couple days out of class… You know… For like… Guidance or whatever.” “Oh yeah… We’re super torn up about it…” “If she would have done it right we’d probably have a week or two. Ugh… I swear, she’s fucking useless.” 

Red. All he saw was red as he got out of his car, slamming the door shut and going straight over to where they sat. “Shut up!” He shouted, and for a second, he thought they would keep quiet, but as soon as the initial shock wore off, they were all laughing. Their heads were thrown back as the boisterous laughter bounced off the walls of the building and rang in his ears. “I said shut up!” He screamed, and before he even realized what he was doing, his fist was cocked back and being thrown straight at the face of the girl who sat in front. 

Now, Seungmin wasn’t a violent person, not usually, but you were his girlfriend, he almost lost you, and while some might say that a college relationship means nothing, his relationship with you meant everything to him. “Hey man! What the fuck!?” One of the other girls shouted, her hand quickly moving to the main girl's face to catch the blood that trickled down her nose. “You can’t just fucking hit people like that! You’re a psycho!” 

Now it was his turn to laugh, his fists still balled up at his sides as he glared at every single person in front of him. “Really? I can’t just hit people like that but you can?!” The girl who had been hit scoffed loudly, her head rolling forward causing the blood to drip down her mouth and hang at her chin. 

“Don’t worry, he’s just the bitches boyfriend. She’s too much of a loser to fight back herself, I guess she got her boyfriend to do it for her. Or maybe she’s just not alive to do it.” She stood up from the bench, a cocky smirk on her face as she looked at him. “I guess she’s getting all the attention she wanted now. I did your bitch a favor. You’re welcome.” 

He completely lost it, he snapped, his hand flying back just to shoot forward, the smack that landed across the girl's face sounding much louder in the silence that surrounded them. “I find out any of you even so much as look at her… I’ll slit all your fucking wrists and break both your fucking knee caps. I’ll make you suffer, I’ll make you wish you were dead. I can and I will ruin you… Remember that.” 

He wasn’t this kind of person… Not before he had met you, but seeing you in the hospital bed, knowing that he had almost lost you forever, it had sparked something inside of him. He wants to protect you, he wants to keep you safe, and if that meant having to be like this… Then he’d do it without hesitation. People are bad… You weren’t wrong, people are awful… But he’d do everything and anything to keep those people away from you, to protect you from them. He’d stop at nothing to make sure that this never happens again. 

[slveepyscwrs]

Are you serious about the writing fics...if so a Kuroo x reader Angst fight breakup pleeeaaase😭

When it comes to writing fics about gay volleyball boys, my friend, I'm always serious... 💅✨

Anyways, I hope this angsty breakup fic hits you in the feels as much as it did for me!

(I really enjoyed writing this, so to everyone, let me know if you want a part two– Should Kuroo reconcile, or should Kenma save the reader?)

Without further ado, let's get into your request! (This will also be cross posted to AO3!)

A Love I Never Knew

Summary: All of your heart was with the one person you adored the most, Kuroo Tetsurou. When things started to turn dark for you, you were sure that he would be there. You trusted him, you confided in him, and yet the result of that was the appearance of his true self– one that you never could have imagined in your wildest dreams, or more accurately, your darkest nightmares...

Info/Warnings: gender neutral reader, breakups, cliffhanger ending, aggressiveness, emotional breakdowns, self-esteem issues

“Are you okay?”

When it came to being asked that question, lately, you honestly didn’t know how to respond. Of course, you knew what to say: “I’m fine!”

Your self esteem, on the other hand, told an entirely different story.

You just couldn’t bring yourself to look in the mirror lately. No matter which way you looked at it, you couldn’t consider yourself beautiful. In your eyes, there were so many imperfections on your face, your body, everywhere.

To make matters worse, you had been losing sleep over it too. You had lost a lot of your previous cheerful spirit, as your eyelids began to sag.

Soon, your insecurities about your appearance were beginning to affect other parts of your life too. You couldn’t focus in class or in social activities anymore, because you felt like you weren’t good enough in anything.

Now, you were even beginning to feel like you weren’t good enough in your own relationship too. Kuroo was so cool, so intelligent, so confident… and you were just an awkward, scrawny introvert.

Basically, this was the exact opposite of him.

“Kuroo deserves way better than me…”

This was the thought that was running on repeat in your mind, as you slumped down on the couch in yours and his shared apartment. Your face was buried in your hands, as an even darker than usual cloud hung over your head today.

Kuroo didn’t know about any of this yet. He was always so upbeat and lively, and you didn’t want to put a damper on that with your trivial troubles.

This wasn’t all that possible for you at the moment, though. The concerns about you and your usefulness to Kuroo only got worse. Since this could affect your relationship, maybe now was finally the time to come clean to him.

“He’s always so carefree… He’ll know what to do, and maybe I won’t have to worry anymore…”

You were still anxious about telling him as you waited for him to come home from volleyball practice, but at the same time, you were confident that he could lighten your mood.

As a result, your eyes remained fixed on that door in a desperate anticipation. You didn’t even turn on the TV or browse through your phone to kill time until he came back like you usually did.

You needed Kuroo. In fact, today was probably the day you needed him the most.

When the door finally did swing open, your expression brightened a little. You were still shaking from the anxiety, but you were relieved that he was here at last.

“Baby, you’re home!” You jumped up to greet him.

Kuroo, on the other hand, didn’t seem nearly as enthusiastic. He wore his towel around the back of his neck, dripping sweat with an exhausted expression on his face.

This made sense for him. He didn’t like to show it to others, but you knew that he could get really wiped out when practices got intense.

Still, you knew that this was urgent, so you hoped to get his attention nonetheless.

“Practice was rough today, huh?”

“Hm, yeah. Definitely.” He nodded in agreement, but still didn’t make eye contact with you.

“How are the others?” Kuroo loved to crack jokes about his teammates, so you thought that this might snap him out of it.

“They’re alright. Annoying and chaotic as ever.” He still completely ignored you and brushed you off, and began to trudge off to the room that you two slept together in.

Your heart was beating fast under the weight of your feelings, so as much as you wanted to let him rest, you needed to talk to him. Therefore, you ran after him to make him talk to you.

“Hey, is something wrong?” You said this in a caring and concerned voice. He did seem really, really tired, but he usually wasn’t this low on energy. Despite everything you were going through, you also wanted to be there to listen to him if something was wrong.

What Kuroo said next, however, was something that made your face drop.

“Nothing’s wrong! I don’t need to be interrogated right now, love. Just leave me alone, ugh.”

Now, this sounded much more like he was annoyed with you rather than just being tired. You hadn’t meant to ‘interrogate’ him, you just wanted to know about his day.

He never reacted this badly before. Something was definitely on his mind, and you had the feeling that it had more to do with you than with volleyball.

“I’m really sorry… It’s just, I needed to talk with you about something.” You squeaked out in a lower tone, now becoming increasingly afraid of what his reaction would be.

“Fine, but make it quick, I have other things to do… Come to think of it, what is the matter with you today?”

Unlike you, his tone wasn’t filled with nearly as much care. It was like talking to you was a chore that he had no choice but to complete.

Taking a deep breath, you attempted to pour out your heart into words.

“It’s just that I don’t feel good enough… I don’t feel pretty enough, my personality isn’t good enough… And now I feel like I’m not good enough for you.” By the time you finished, your breath was shaky and uneven.

You still had some slight hope that this would make him soften up, but unfortunately, this couldn’t be further from the case.

“What’s with all this sappy stuff? Jeez, you’re acting crazy! You used to not give a shit…” He was massaging his forehead in a way that was intentional, making it clear to you that you were the one giving him that headache.

“No… That’s because I was just hiding it from you…”

“Well, what do you expect me to do about it?”

His tone was becoming harsher and harsher, while yours became softer and softer. This sudden change was literally taking your breath away, and not in a good way.

“Um… you are my boyfriend…” You looked up at him with eyes gone wide with fear, shame, and embarrassment.

This gaze only exacerbated Kuroo’s annoyance. He rolled his eyes, and moved his lips silently in a way that was mocking the way you spoke.

“Yeah, I’m your boyfriend, not your goddamn therapist.”

This was the final nail in your heart, shattering it into pieces. The carefree, lighthearted Kuroo that you had fallen in love with just wasn’t that same person anymore. As you realised this, tears began to sting at the corners of your eyes.

“I know, I’m sorry, I’m really sorry. At least answer the question, please… Am I good enough for you, Kuroo? I’m so sorry…” 

At this point, your voice was barely audible. You hardly knew what to say. Everything that you thought you knew about Kuroo was changing so quickly.

He had begun to turn around and go to the bedroom anyway, but at these words, he stopped in his tracks. He stood there like that for a few seconds, and you saw his hands clench into fists. The rising and falling in his chest became more ragged, as his breaths filled with negative emotions.

Every second that he was still made the dread inside you grow, but the face that you saw when he turned back around to face you suddenly and swiftly frightened you even more.

“I get home after a long day, and all you can do is cling to me like a fucking abandoned puppy. And instead of just letting me go like a sane person, all you say is ‘I’m sorry!’ It’s so goddamn corny and annoying… But you know what? I agree with what you said earlier. Maybe you really are not good enough for me.”

His fists balled tighter, as he screamed these words at the top of his lungs through clenched teeth. 

This new piercing volume sent the entire atmosphere around you two into utter silence. You couldn’t believe that this was real. It had to be a terrible nightmare, one that would end, and let you wake up to Kuroo cuddling beside you in the bed.

Yet, this wasn’t a nightmare. This was the reality of what Kuroo truly felt about you.

If your heart was shattered before, this made the pieces break even smaller and drop to the ground. As for your heartbeat, it felt as if it had stopped in your chest. Heck, time itself seemed to slow around you.

It was one thing to believe the worst about yourself, but having the one who’s supposed to love you the most say that those beliefs were correct all along made it feel like the world itself beneath you was giving out.

Your body wasn’t just trembling now, it was full on shaking. Your knees swayed back and forth, making you feel like a jelly that threatened to give way and drop to the floor any second now.

Your eyes that were now stuck open as wide as they could go couldn’t hold it back anymore, and silent tears rushed down your face. The shock was so intense that you couldn’t even make any noise with the crying. With all these tears, your throat began to burn.

“I have to say something, anything to make it better… It’s all my fault, I should fix this…”

You could hardly form thoughts like these, much less put them into words. Meanwhile, Kuroo kept his eyes fixated on you in pure disgust. He had a look on his face that made it seem like the fact that you were still in front of him was something that he absolutely loathed.

Whatever words did come to mind mostly stopped in your throat. Any noise that did come out was in the form of choked up croaks and squeaks.

Finally, somehow, actual words came out, only to be immediately cut off.

“Kuroo, I–“

“Just forget it already! If this is how you’re going to be, I can’t take it anymore! I’m fucking done with you. We’re over, now get out of my house, now!” 

You already thought that his voice couldn’t get any louder, but its magnitude just kept climbing and climbing until it got to a point where you felt that it could blow the roof off. His face was scrunched up in pure fury, and his eyes directed that rage into yours and straight into your soul.

Whatever he was feeling, Kuroo now seemed as if he had never loved you at all.

And just like that, a beautiful relationship that had lasted months, one that you hoped would stretch on for years to come vanished just like that. All your hopes about Kuroo disappeared into nothingness.

As reluctant as you were, you now accepted that what you had with him was gone, and couldn’t be fixed. 

However, more than that, you didn’t think it was even safe to be here anymore. Judging by his body language, his posture, his actions, and his words, standing there for even a few seconds longer would run the risk of Kuroo’s anger escalating towards physical violence.

Your knees gained just enough strength, and you bolted out the door in a fit of loud sobs.

When you were gone, Kuroo returned to normal and sighed, but not out of relief. He couldn’t pin it down exactly, but there was something gnawing inside him… He was observant enough that he knew deep inside that was guilt.

Still, even though he did know, he would never admit it. He wouldn’t admit it to himself, and definitely not to you. He couldn’t take back what he did, but either way, he most certainly wasn’t going to go running after you. Instead, he simply shook his head and wandered off inside the bedroom.

It was raining outside in the dark of night, and not just a light shower. Water rushed down from the dark clouds at high speeds, hitting the ground with incredible sound and force for such tiny droplets.

It didn’t take more than a few seconds for you to get soaking wet in these conditions, but you pushed through and kept running. You didn’t know where– it was late, and no one you knew would be willing to take you in at this hour.

You jumped down the stairs to the ground floor, but that was as far as you could get before your knees finally gave up and caused your body to collapse to the concrete pavement, getting scraped against its rough surface.

You were in an awkward position, but you didn’t care. You were cold, you were wet, but most importantly… you were alone.

At least there was a positive side to that. You curled up, now being free to sob out all the pain that had piled up on you out to the distance. Your face became a mess of tears and snot, as the uncertainty of the situation dawned upon you.

“I can’t sleep on the streets… I’ve already been a burden to everyone, but I have to find someone, anyone…”

You had absolutely nothing, except for the clothes on your back and your phone in your pocket. Getting under the relative safety of a pillar, you decided to make use of that phone as you went through your contacts, pondering your slim set of options.

You remembered that there was one person who lived close enough to Kuroo, and this person was Kenma. Your fingers shook as you debated internally whether to press the call button or not. Kenma was the kind of person who was known for his preferences for being alone, and being sort of aloof towards others. 

It wasn’t likely that he would take you in, but the chance of him accepting was still there. At this point, you were ready to take any chance you got.

Trying not to drop your phone, you decided to take a risk and call Kenma. You put it on speaker and heard as the phone rang one time, two times…

Your phone provider would automatically drop a call if there wasn’t an answer by the fifth ring. The device’s battery was quite low as well, so if Kenma did not pick up, you truly would be stranded.

And so, you sat there awaiting your fate. Each ring, although lasting only a few seconds, stretched out for an eternity.

Would Kenma pick up? Would he not pick up?

Whichever one of the two happened, the little flame of hope left in your heart lay in his place… any place that was away from Kuroo.

“It really did turn out to be the person I loved most who ended up hurting me the deepest…” You thought alone to yourself, waiting as the phone rang and rang into the distance…

[horizon-verizon]

But how can any mother see their child crying and not at least attempt to comfort them ? Especially after something as traumatic and devastating as the death of their own child. She literally said to Helaena that sometimes we have to pretend, and she can’t even try to comfort her bereft son. Damn Alicent, maybe your lack of affection is why your sons suck ?

And not only Aegon but she didn’t even comfort Helaena ? Instead of actually comforting her daughter, she was more concerned about their duty to participate in the propaganda funeral, and Helaena seeing her riding Cole and trying to make sure Helaena won’t tell anyone what she saw. No one even bothered to ask Helaena her wishes for her own son’s funeral! Alicent, I’m pretty sure she’s far more concerned with the murder of her son than you riding Cole. Props to Helaena for just shutting her down with “this is for my boy.”

Anon speaks of this post.

I would say it's a lot more than just Alicent's inability to comfort or to emotionally connect to her kids that stems from her own emotions & attempts at connection always rebuffed from childhood that produces such abhorrent sons. And actually, Alicent does try to comfort Helaena or connect with her many times in the first season, as Helaena tries to say stuff about "beats beneath the boards" and other stuff. Helaena brushes her off and I think it's due to an existing resentment/lack of real understanding b/t them, knowing that her own mother probably still thinks her "too weird" like others, AND some overstimulation. But alas, not enough clarifying scenes except that conversation just before they are exhibited before Jaehaerys' bier.

Aemond, Aegon, and Daeron all live in a society, under the influence of much more powerful and active male figures: Criston, Otto, Viserys. Two of which obviously impressed on them that they and not Rhaenyra deserve to be put before Rhaenyra in the succession line bc they are male. This is just the tip of the iceburg; there are courtiers, random people paying respects, their free access to female bodies through servant girls (and the lack of accountability not just from Alicent but EVERYONE of authority), the Faith's principles and doctrines of obedience to royal and aristocratic male authorities in this hierarchy, etc. Alicent is weak of character (through her psychological complicity) AND of political power, so she's insufficient to really provide some sort of alternative perspective to compete with all that. She definitely makes it all the worse bc her main value system is coincidental with this patriarchal one, so 🤷🏾‍♂️.

I don't think we can give Helaena true "props" in the sense of her trying to put Alicent in her place or humble her to anything like that. She wasn't trying to fight or confront her. She reached a limit. It was an establishment of a boundary, though. So if the props was for being able to avoid Alicent's bullshit, sure.

Back to Alicent and pretending, these people are so woefully oblivious bc they do not inherently trust each other with their emotions and constantly shut each other down. What can you do?

[planet-crait]

I feel like I’m like the one one who feels this way and people may hate me for having this opinion but I’ll share my thoughts anyways. If you haven’t seen Apology Tour and don’t want to be spoiled please do not read below the cut.

One thing I was previously was concerned about happening in Apology Tour was Stolas going on stage to sing to all of Hell how terrible Blitz is….and while Verosika certainly pressured him…he still in the end got on stage and sang about Blitz and ending with he sucks. And the whole setup is far worse than I initially thought. Verosika is throwing a party devoted to how terrible a person Blitz is and….sorry Verosika fans but that is so beyond fucked up of her.

I’m not saying she can hurt but throwing a party devoted to hating Blitz is toxic as ever loving fuck. And the show does not seem to want to address this, instead focusing on making her only the sad uwu victim of Blitz who is the worst and totes deserves this emotional beatdown, which has gotten to the point of being viscerally uncomfortable to watch.

The show wants us to see Blitz is someone who has screwed up and needs to improve. Thats not a problem, thats fine and interesting even! But we’ve long since been there with Blitz. He screwed up with Fizz with Barbie and Verosika. He hurt them, and even if with Fizz (and likely Barbie) is was an accident he still hurt them, and with Verosika their relationship was seemingly originally a situation where they both fucked up big time that caused such anger towards each other. And it worked great. Verosika doing something bad doesn’t make what Blitz did okay and vice versa. But the show seems so determined to show Blitz “ruins lives” they swung into comically unrealistic portrayal of this.

Does the show really expect me to believe Blitz has left so many broken hearts a large mansion can be filled up every year? While also insisting since last year Stolas is the only new ex? While also having only shown Blitz hurting Verosika and Stolas at said insanely full party. It just does t work. It’s a very bizarre choice, especially since it could so easily be worked around to still, you know work? Stolas talks to himself about how crazy the party is, just have the person who overheard Stolas mention that most everyone their is their for Verosika and they do all the hate Blitz stuff because she’s famous and they want to enjoy the party with her or even Blitz is a great stand is for their own ex’s that hurt them. There can still be partners Blitz hurt in the past but it would bring it back to a far more believable realm if most of the party goers just want to hang out with Verosika. It could still work to really push Blitz towards a breakdown that seems to be coming because as someone with massive self hatred issues he would still look at this party and think “wow I’m such a piece of shit people I don’t even know hate me for existing” or something like that.

Focusing on Stolas for a second, my other fear I didn’t properly express also seems to be happening in that the show seems to be trying to retcon Stolas’s mistakes regarding Blitz. Blitz mentions that Stolas looks down on Blitz and Stolas asks when has he ever looked down on Blitz and Blitz….doesn’t call out for example Stolas calling Blitz his “impish little plaything”, it’s just brushed right past as if it never happened which has me worried a lot of this stuff is being actively retconned which again takes away a lot of the interest of a story of two people who care but both fuck up because of their past traumas and instead wants to make it so only Blitz is a bad person and only Blitz screws up and Blitz is responsible for every bad thing happening.

Back to the party, the show wants us to believe Stolas loves Blitz but he still goes to a party all about hating Blitz, sings a song about him and hooks up with the first person who seems interested. From Blitz’s perspective I don’t see how he can believe Stolas loves and cares about him when he does things like this, to me the only thing it does is further confirm to Blitz that he doesn’t matter to Stolas, that he’s just an object to be bought as uses and discarded when they’re bored. And it’s gotten to the point where I think the torture and punishments being pushed onto Blitz is becoming cruel with no end in sight.

[decks-writing-blog]

Whatever the Fuck Benrey Is: Chapter Eighteen: Terrible Person

Chapter One

Previous Chapter

~

Gordon was a terrible person. His plan to gently convince everyone to not do this trip because he didn’t want to go back died upon Benrey suggesting he might walk. If he did that Gordon’s chances of seeing any part of his records were much lower. He wanted to see them so bad, he was willing to make a trip back to the the place he’d had the worst experience of his life in just for the chance to. But then Benrey, normally the least anxious person Gordon had ever known, had been openly anxious and admitted to being so over his safety. How and when had he grown to care about Gordon that much?

Normally that revelation would’ve been heart-warming but not when Gordon had been actively planning on being nosy. He could tell himself all he wanted that he was only going to peek or to skim but… he’d wanted to read and watch all of whatever there was on file for Benrey. And even now, after that delusion had been knocked from him by realizing the enormity of the betrayal, he still kind of wanted to do it. If given the chance, he might not be able to resist the temptation.

And now he had to sit in the middle backseat and try to pretend like he’d agreed to this trip solely to help out his pal Benrey. That was part of it of course; walking would’ve taken a long time and not been fun, Gordon didn’t want him to go through that if he didn’t have to. But he could’ve declined going and let the others take Benrey. Of course then he’d have also been left home alone for way longer than he was comfortable committing to yet. But he was only realizing that now. He was going because he wanted a chance to peek at Benrey’s records.

Just like he had when coming across Dr. Coomer’s clone’s records or would if he ever happened upon Bubby’s. With Benrey he felt worse about it though. Not that he didn’t feel bad about the others, they were his friends but Benrey was… also his friend of course. ‘Special’ was maybe the best way to put it. He was particularly special to Gordon due to how much he depended on him for comfort and company. Gordon’s newfound pathetic neediness made him cling to Benrey. And yet, despite that, he’d been planning on betraying his trust and privacy and if given a chance, would still be tempted to because he just wanted to know more so bad. That drive was the same one that had brought him to Black Mesa in the first place, before he’d become somewhat disillusioned by the mundanitiesof living in a research facility and always working under other people, never doing his own things. It had come back stronger though, perhaps as a desperate distraction from worse thoughts.

As fucked up as the situation was, he hadn’t even had much trouble falling asleep last night. Benrey was just that soothing and comforting. Which only made Gordon wanting to snoop on his private stuff worse. … Hopefully he wouldn’t get a chance to.

Taking a deep breath to try to banish such thoughts, he shifted, leaning his shoulder a bit more into Benrey’s so he could better see the Game Boy in his hands. The angle wasn’t great, making it hard to see, but Benrey moved it a little, tilting it towards him. He was playing Pokemon Sapphire, just booting it up for some reason.

“I’m shiny hunting so, uh… probably not fun to watch,” he said but kept holding it where Gordon could see anyway.

“Why? Aren’t shinies like super rare?” Gordon liked Pokemon well enough but going to so much trouble just seemed a waste of time.

“I want a shiny Kyogre to go with my shiny Groudon.”

“Wow, okay. You shiny hunt for that one too or just get super lucky?”

“Uh… I got sorta lucky. That one only took a few days. I’ve been trying for this one for like a week now. You sleep a lot though so I got a lot of time to play. I’m gonna get all the legendaries as shinies.”

Gosh, Gordon needing him to sleep and recover from bad dreams really took a lot of his time, huh? What had he ever done to deserve that? Yeah, Benrey enjoyed the cuddling too but… even on the nights when he got tired of it and extracted himself, he stuck around the room all night anyway just in case Gordon needed him again. Why didn’t he leave and let Gordon deal with his own problems occasionally? If they weren’t in the backseat of a car with the rest of the Science Team, Gordon would’ve been tempted to ask because he didn’t deserve that.

As it was though, he settled in to watch Benrey shiny hunt. Which was quickly growing boring, indeed. Naturally he’d saved right in front Kyogre, allowing him to start the encounter and then immediately turn the Game Boy off and back on as soon as it showed up as not shiny. Over and over and over again. They’d already been in the car for more than a hour now too and if he’d changed games in that time, Gordon hadn’t noticed.

“Do you… enjoy this?” If this was what he did when Gordon slept, it was time to get him some more Game Boy Advanced games or tell him to just let Gordon suffer while he fucked off elsewhere.

“Eh, it’s kinda boring, not too bad though. I get cool stuff out of it so it’s worth it. Gonna have an all shiny team of legendaries eventually, it’ll be cool. Maybe I’ll take it to a tournament. I’ve heard that those are like a thing. I could uh… go to one now, right?” He turned his head to look at Gordon for a second before turning it back to the game

“Sure, if there are ever any nearby, I’ll drive you.” If he wanted to go to a competitive Pokemon thing, he’d more than earned a ride to one for all the shit he put up with for Gordon’s sake.

“Awesome. But uh… want me to switch to something more fun to watch?”

Yes but… “Only if you want to.”

“Hmm… I’ve been learning the speedrun for Minish Cap so I’ll show you that. It’s pretty cool.”

“All right, sure.” And so instead of confronting the part of him that was a terrible person for wanting to betray Benrey’s trust and privacy, Gordon would continue to distract himself by watching him play video games instead. Damn, he really needed to sort his shit out. … Later though, he’d do it later.

~

The Black Mesa living area was much the same as it had been before but now it was shrouded in darkness. The generators had reportedly breathed their last a week and a half ago. All of Black Mesa’s fancy high-tech solar panels – special made to be particularly efficient – had of course all been atop the outside parts of the facility and thus subject to the army’s bombings. The elevator only still functioned because of the mini-generator one of the prior salvage teams had brought out to hook up to it.

“I hate this,” Gordon said as he shined his flashlight around the space. The opening room had never felt like much before but the darkness changed that. Five flashlights helped but where their beams didn’t reach, almost anything could be hiding.

“It’s dark.” Benrey was also shining his flashlight around, seemingly randomly, not looking towards where he was pointing it. Weird but it was Benrey so actually pretty normal.

“Be careful Gordon,” Dr. Coomer said as he stepped into Gordon’s line of sight, “sometimes things hide in the darkness. Try not to let your flashlight run out of power.” He then turned and started walking further in. “No time to waste being afraid though. It’s time to start a new adventure.”

“Wait, what? What kind of things? Dangerous things?”

“Things, Gordon, things,” Bubby answered as if that answered the question as he followed.

“I don’t think we wanna know,” Tommy added, also following.

Before Gordon could insist on an answer, Benrey stepped up to him, lightly bumping him with his shoulder. “Middle of the group.” He spoke low so only Gordon could hear.

“Yeah, yeah, I know.” Gordon got moving, pulling the salvage cart behind him. Its handle was just big enough for his gun hand to fit through, meaning him taking charge of it meant no one else had to sacrifice a free hand for it. “You know what kind of things Dr. Coomer was talking about though? Like… an experiment gone wrong, resulting in things that hide in the dark or something.” That was stupid, right? It was just Dr. Coomer being weird again, giving tips that sounded oddly like video game tutorials. There were no things in the dark and the batteries – more Black Mesa tech – were supposed to be able to stay on for a full week before burning out and they had a box of spares just in case.

“No clue.”

“Great, awesome. It’s fine though, we’re fine, everything’s fine.”

“You don’t sound too sure of that,” Bubby said, glancing back with a raised eyebrow.

“I’m trying to convince myself, okay? Because Dr. Coomer just had to say something straight out of a damn horror game when we’re in a dark underground facility that’s almost certainly still got dead stuff in it.” They were to burn anything dead they came across, especially if it was alien. Not that it’d be easy to tell at this point. Hopefully they wouldn’t come across anything.

“If there are things, I’ll uh… kill them.” A glance back revealed that Benrey had taken up the rear, just behind the salvage wagon. He walked backwards, shining his light around behind them. Odd but at least nothing would sneak up on them. “Or try to ‘cause… don’t got a gun so it’d be kinda hard to kill anything that shows up.”

“You don’t need a gun to be dangerous… do you?” Now that Gordon thought about it though, all the violence he’d committed before Xen had been with a gun. Heck, even on Xen he’d mostly been attacking with a gun, hadn’t he? The one that shot balls of energy that were seemingly hard to aim based off how often he’d missed. His skeletons hadn’t been armed but their cocooning hadn’t done damage or even hurt, just held people in place for a brief time.

“Uh… I could make claws, I guess. Hard to hold things with claws though. I do got sharp teeth so I can bite things real good.” Damn, unarmed, he was only slightly more dangerous than the average person. Maybe a bit more than slightly given that something that couldn’t be hurt or blocked by solid objects could easily win a fight solely through attrition, but still not exactly an offensive powerhouse.

So offense wasn’t his strong suit, defense though, he could probably do well if he tried. So between him and Dr. Coomer who was dangerous without a gun, Gordon would probably be fine even if things did show up out of the darkness. Didn’t mean this would be a fun trip but he’d known that going in. … Even if his reason for going in wasn’t good. But now that he was here and already not happy about it, making it worth it would be nice.

Benrey hadn’t explicitly said he didn’t want Gordon or anyone else looking at his records. So probably peeking, if he got a chance, wouldn’t hurt too much. How he was going to do that, was still up in the air as there was no way he could get away with doing it openly. One thing at a time though, once they got there, he’d start looking for opportunities.

~

If the others were at all unnerved by the darkness, they made no indication of it. Like their first trip through the facility together, their group was various degrees of spread out as Dr. Coomer and Bubby seemed to want go faster than the rest of them were. Resulting in ‘the middle of the group’ being a somewhat nebulous position. Benrey stayed at the back though, seemingly keeping watch for anything that might try to sneak up on them.

They all chatted idly as they went along, the conversation much looser now that they all knew each other better and weren’t in a tense situation. Gordon participated in that chatter at first but… the longer they walked, the more the weight of the facility seemed to press down on him. They all had backpacks with supplies and sleeping bags and it was dark so almost everything about this hike was different from their first journey so it shouldn’t be much of an issue but well… it was still the same facility. The look of the halls they traveled was much the same and the way their voices echoed, though not interspersed with the same kinds sounds as before was otherwise the same.

Not thinking about said first journey was always a good idea, but here it was a bit harder to. Even desperately trying to cling to the others’ conversation didn’t help as much as it normally would’ve. They’d all chatted as they walked during that journey, including when they’d lead him to the ambush when he’d lost his hand. … When they’d all left him to die.

Or maybe not left him but they certainly hadn’t fought for him or cared he’d lost a hand. Why would they have though? He was weak, fragile, and easy to kill while they were all various kinds of not that. Even Tommy, seemingly the most normal one among them, his father was that time stopping guy, meaning he probably also had powers too and likely wasn’t human. It’d be cool to know more but also… it was a reason for him to have not particularly cared when Gordon got hurt. And reason to potentially not be too terribly bothered by his safety now.

Had that changed with any of them? For Benrey it had, he’d confessed to it. The rest of them though… who could say?

What if they were leading him into another ambush for his other hand to be cut off? … For what purpose? … What purpose had the first one been for?

Outside their chatter, it was awfully quiet. No power meant no air conditioning, humming lights, or distant sounds of machines. Gordon strained his ears, trying to detect anything. Military boots, the crackle of a Xen portal opening to drop an alien on them, the shuffling and moaning of a headcrab zombie, anything that said they weren’t alone done here. Something had to be just around the corner or just out of their flashlight’s radius. Because there was always something around the corner, the darkness would only make it harder to see before it jumped them.

Surely an ambush was inevitable. Maybe not for just Gordon this time but all of them. If so, they wouldn’t bother to help him. Why would they? Someone as weak and pathetic as him wasn’t worth the effort. … He should’ve found a way to power the HEV suit and bring it after all. They had lots of stuff at the temporary lab, some of it undoubtedly HEV suit related.

So even after getting out of this hellhole he’d returned and thus still might die down here. Entirely his own fault this time too, he’d chosen this for stupid evil reasons and hadn’t brought the one thing that might’ve kept him alive. No wonder Benrey was anxious for him, he was an idiot who was basically doomed to die because of his own dumb decisions.

They were going to cut his other hand off and dump him somewhere to bleed out because he didn’t have the HEV suit’s medical systems to help him survive it. But hey, without the HEV suit, there wouldn’t be the awkward fumbling to get the gauntlet off while he was held down and sat on, making it hard to breath while he screamed and struggled while the people he thought were his friends watched. The saw would still hurt though; searing pain before it bit into bone, catching and scraping and grinding.

His arm hurt. The rest of him was numb. He wanted to scream. He couldn’t… not out loud. Only in his head. They were going to cut off his hand. He was going to die down here. It hurt. He still couldn’t scream.

***

Gordon had stopped participating in any of the conversation. When he’d stopped was hard to say for sure. Too focused on petting down his own anxieties, Benrey hadn’t been paying much attention. But now that it was becoming more and more clear that there weren’t any aliens left ready to jump out and kill the only member of their party who could die so easily, Gordon’s silence was glaring. He should’ve been just as chatty as the others.

Benrey sidestepped around the cart and sped up – turning around too as being right behind the cart was what had allowed him to know he wasn’t going run into anything while walking backwards – until was right next to Gordon. “Yo.”

No response. Gordon kept staring ahead, his gaze blank, flashlight pointed at the ground in front of him, seemingly following the others purely mechanically.

“You okay?”

If Gordon heard him, he gave no indication of it. So Benrey poked him in the shoulder. That finally got his attention as he gasped, turning to look at Benrey. “Huh?”

“You okay?” Benrey repeated, still speaking low but a bit louder this time.

“Uh… um… again? I’m… my ears are ringing.”

“You okay?” Though really the question was moot now, the answer was obvious. “You’re acting weird. What’s up?”

Gordon was a silent for several long seconds, his eyes darting around, never seeming to rest on anything. “Just uh… freaking out a little.” He was awfully quiet for someone ‘freaking out’. Nightmares not counting, last time he’d properly freaked out had been the bucket when he’d yelped before shooting it full of holes. Did him doing so whilst calmly walking through a hall mean it was somehow particularly bad or not a big deal? “I wanna scream.” Despite that, his voice was quiet, barely above a whisper.

“Then scream.” Like he was supposed to and would be normal.

“Can’t. … If I die or uh… something comes out and saws off my other hand, you can do an ‘I told you so’. Just… try not rub it in too much, please.”

So then was this Benrey’s fault? He’d put bad thoughts in Gordon’s head, causing this? Though, this was the place that all the bad things that had happened to Gordon that caused his nightmares had occurred so… maybe not entirely Benrey’s fault. Either way didn’t matter. He took a deep breath and sang out a string of blue sweet voice; the most useful colour apparently.

Gordon stumbled to a halt as it hit him, breathing it in. Benrey stopped too, stepping in front of him to continue his tone.

Tommy, Coomer, and Bubby naturally heard and came back to investigate. Benrey’s tone was pitched to be just loud enough to make conversation next to impossible. Louder than he’d intended but he didn’t care.

Gordon coming on this trip had been a mistake. Such should’ve been obvious but he’d been seemingly not hesitant to go. He was dumb. They all way. Benrey should’ve insisted on going alone. … Or just with the others who weren’t as traumatized by everything because they’d never been in any real danger. They should’ve left Gordon behind with Sunkist and Darnold or maybe one of the others.

Finally Benrey let his tone end. Silence settled on them, heavier than before.

Gordon took a step back, giving his head a little shake. “Uh… thanks. I feel… better, not good but better. Also a bit loud but… I’m sure it’s fine.”

“You shouldn’t have come. Why did you?”

He flinched almost as if the question had hurt. “Just… because. It’s something to do and… wanted to help you out and everyone else is going. I thought maybe it’d be fine.”

Benrey hadn’t even considered this aspect of it not being fine. In his defense, human psychology was a mystery to him. He did know that it had been traumatic for Gordon and sort of what that meant though so he should’ve at least considered it might not be just a casual walk for him.

He stepped back to address the group as a whole. “You guys should go back. I’ll continue by myself to get my stuff and other stuff for the wagon so it looks like you did your job stuff and then uh… meet back up with you outside.” The main benefit of them coming with him after all was the journey down here since he didn’t know how to drive and no one had been willing to lend him a car to figure it out on the way. He could do the trip through the facility by himself without too much trouble.

“We’ve already been walking for hours though,” Bubby complained. “I ain’t turning back.”

“Perhaps just me and Gordon could turn back then,” Coomer said. “Tommy if he wants to as well. Would you like that Gordon? I could use my big strong arms to carry you out of this horrible place. Just this once I won’t even charge you a Play Cointm. When we’re back on the surface I’m sure we could find a way to keep ourselves entertained until our friends rejoin us.”

“Um… thanks for the offer but… I’m okay now. I think uh… think this might be good for me, actually. Kinda like exposure therapy, right?”

Tommy stepped forward. “But Mr. Freeman, isn’t exposure therapy normally done with professionals? People who have uh… trained to know how to do it and how far to push it and… and how to do it in a way that’s safest. Doing it by yourself without guidance might not be particularly helpful. I’m not an expert or anything of course but I did read about it on Wikipedia.”

“Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia that anyone can edit,” Coomer added.

“Yes, we know, thanks, Dr. Coomer,” Gordon said. “But uh… I’m fine now, really. I can keep going.” He looked away as he said it though. A sign that it was a lie or unrelated? “I want to keep going. Just uh… do you guys think we could walk a bit closer together?” He gave Benrey an intense look, perhaps indicating he wanted him in particular to stay close. It was hard to tell for sure though just like it was hard to tell if him continuing was really wise or not no matter what he said about being fine now. “I know I’m the weakest guy here but I can take this. I was just out of it a bit and then Benrey snapped me out of… or I guess back into it so it’s all good now. I just gotta stay focused.”

“Are you sure, Gordon?” Coomer took a step towards him. “Don’t push yourself to try to keep up with us because that’s never going to happen no matter how hard you try. You’ll just push yourself to death.”

Gordon grimaced and took a step back, flinching as the back of his legs bumped the cart, his gun hand still firmly wedge in its handle. “I’m sure I’ll be fine. There’s nothing here anymore.”

Coomer stared at him for a couple seconds longer before turning and continuing down the hall. “Very well then! Onwards and upwards!”

Bubby went along with him without hesitation, leaving the rest of them to catch up. Benrey still wasn’t sure but… he fell in step with Gordon. Maybe he had overreacted to Gordon’s quiet freak out. He was new to this whole worrying thing in general, especially over someone else. It sucked. His fault for adopting such a fragile pet. But… would he stop caring so much if he could chose to do so? … No. Most of the time Gordon made him happy; even just Gordon being happy made him happy. It was fun and nice even if it did suck sometimes.

Maybe Benrey should hold his hand as they walked. Touching always seemed to comfort him and whenever he tried to comfort Benrey, it was often with touch, so… but no, he had only hand and it was holding the flashlight. His gun hand was occupied with the wagon. Damn. Bubby probably would’ve made a comment about it anyway though. Benrey would just have to stick close then even if that meant abandoning his backwards vigil. He could perhaps make an eye on the back of his neck but… he’d done that before and it was dizzying. So he’d just turn and check occasionally instead. Probably nothing was back there anyway though so it’d be fine… hopefully.

~

It was Tommy who called camp time with, “I know normally Mr. Freeman is the one who calls when its time for bed on these adventures but uh… I don’t think he’s going to do that and it’s pretty late. So maybe we should start looking for a place to stop for the night soon.”

“Nah, we can keep going,” Gordon said even though for the past couple hours his walking pace had been slowing more and more, reducing everyone’s else speed as well. As the weakest member of their group they were bound by his limitations. Especially since they were, as he’d requested, all sticking closer to him.

Before Benrey could point that out, Coomer sat down on the floor, forcing the rest of them to halt too even though they were in the middle of a hallway. “I feel like taking a break is a good idea.”

Bubby sat next to him. “This has been a lot less fun than I thought it was gonna be so yeah, a nap break sounds good.”

Gordon groaned. “Can we at least stop in a room with like… only one exit or something. So we can like… guard it easier, you know? Nothing’s gonna come for us or anything, I know that, everything’s gone… hopefully but… you know.”

“Uh… I don’t think we do know, Mr. Freeman. But finding a room shouldn’t be hard, there are lots of rooms around here. I used to work near here actually back when I first started before I changed departments. We could uh… go find my old office maybe. It’s a bit of a detour but… that’s okay because it’s not a long one.”

“Yeah, okay. Everyone, let’s go to Tommy’s old office. Lead the way.” Gordon gestured him forward. Bubby groaned and mumbled something under his breath but stood with Coomer to continue anyway.

‘Not a long detour’ turned out to be about a ten minute walk. Tommy’s old office was small and a bit cluttered with overturned desks. Coomer took care of those with ease, shoving them out into the hallway, leaving them with a little room that, as Gordon had requested, had only one exit.

Benrey put his flashlight in with the others at the center of the camp, all on and pointed up, to take the place of a campfire presumably, before sitting himself against the closed door. If anything wanted to come in, it’d have to go through him. This precaution was enough to ease his own lingering anxieties over Gordon’s safety. Probably nothing dangerous was out there but they were somewhat deep into the facility now so if there was anything around that might want to eat them, it wasn’t easily getting in here.

Just sitting against the door being enough, he pulled the Game Boy. He looked up from it again a short time later though as the four of them turned off all but one of the flashlights and exchanged ‘good night’s. They hadn’t discussed what they were going to do about Gordon’s usual sleeping arrangements but he’d got into his sleeping bag on his own so… maybe he was okay?

Since his quiet freak out earlier, he seemed to be back to normal if a bit on edge. Everyone sticking close to him seemed have helped a lot. He’d had to be purposefully nudged and brought back into the conversation a few times, especially as time went on. But that might’ve just been because he was tired. So maybe he really would be okay to sleep on his own. … Probably not though.

Benrey would go over there and pet his head once everyone else was close enough to sleep to not open their eyes and potentially see. Though if they did see, what harm would it do? Yeah, depending on who saw, they might ask about it and/or make an annoying comment but so what? Benrey couldn’t leave Gordon to have a nightmare instead.

Despite having not done much in his game, he turned the Game Boy off and put it back in his pack he’d place next to himself. Before he could get up and head over though, Gordon moved and began carefully extracting himself from his sleeping bag. He could’ve unzipped it but seemed to be trying to avoid doing so. Probably because it made a sound that he was trying to prevent because he thought he was being sneaky. And maybe he was; if the others heard him, they weren’t turning to look. With a sigh, Benrey settled back down to wait for him. Maybe he just wanted to go somewhere else to do their usual night thing without risking the others seeing. Probably not but Benrey would suggest it.

Once free, Gordon slipped his glasses back on before tip-toeing over to Benrey to sit next to him, back against the door. Right next to him, shoulder to shoulder, so even when whispering softly, he could be heard. “Look, before you say it, you’re right, I need sleep. Sleep is good, I could die without it and all that. But also consider, I don’t want to fucking sleep. So do you think, you could instead help me stay awake? Just for tonight. I promise I’ll sleep in the car ride home and probably when we get home but… I just can’t tonight, please.”

Benrey should insist but… Gordon was here because of him. Even if he was doing better now, he was still clearly not okay and so maybe it’d be better to let him skip sleep. He’d done it before when Benrey had believed his lie about it not being a big deal and had survived just fine. So maybe indeed one night wasn’t good but not a huge deal. “Okay, I’ll help you stay awake.”

“Thank you, thank you. You’re an amazing friend.”

Benrey had gone from a good friend to an amazing friend, he was moving up in the world. Awesome. … How to help keep Gordon awake though? Well he did have one idea he’d been toying with for a while inspired by all their one handed gaming sessions.

He reached over and pulled out the Game Boy again. “You hold one half, I’ll hold the other, we’ll play together. The challenge should help keep you up, right?”

“Oh that’s uh… genius actually. I’ll go get a flashlight so I can see the screen better while you pick the game.”

While Gordon got up to do that, Benrey brought out his small assortment of games he’d brought with him. Not a very varied selection but since Gordon would by default be on the movement side so it made sense to pick a movement focused game to help keep him focused, so… Mario World 3 it was. If this turned out to be fun though, they’d have to try it later under better circumstances.

~

After a rocky start, filled with whispered bickering about whose fault each death was, they eventually got the hang of it. And thus after several hours, they were halfway through the game and… losing the hang of it. Gordon was struggling to stay awake. Benrey had already nudged him several times now with less and less success in getting him fully back to alert.

Benrey could tell him to get up and walk a bit, maybe do a little exercise. How that supposedly woke humans up, Benrey wasn’t sure because shouldn’t that be more tiring? But he’d heard it enough times that it had be true. Or he could let Gordon fall asleep.

Maybe if he was exhausted enough, it’d be fine. They’d spent most the day walking and Gordon’s quiet freak out had probably still been taxing, right? So surely by now he had to be tired enough to potentially skip dreaming.

And so Benrey stopped nudging him and ceased bringing it up when his sleepiness caused Mario to die. Despite that, he held on for another long while before inevitably losing the fight and slumping the rest of the way into Benrey as his body went lax with sleep.

Carefully, oh so carefully, Benrey shifted him so that Gordon’s head rested in his lap. Humans almost always slept lying down so that had to be the best position to sleep in for them. It would’ve been nice to get his sleeping bag under the rest of him too but that was more moving than Benrey was willing to risk.

Next, he turned off the flashlight and saved their spot in the game, before switching to resume shiny hunting. In an hour or two, the others would probably start to wake. He’d let Gordon sleep for as long as possible but still soon after that, they’d likely be on their way again. But even that much sleep had to be better than none.

Next Chapter

[fandomshatepeopleofcolor]

I feel stuck in my head and I need to ask someone: what's gonna happen to us when biden's reelected? What can we do to stop the genocide? What can we do to get roe v wade back? How to we make things okay?

Answering the last question first — how do we make things okay? We get informed, and we get involved.

If you want to change how things work, first you have to understand why they work the way they do. I’m not saying you have to become an overnight expert, but you gotta know the basics. You have to know who *really* makes the decisions about the stuff you care about. And I’m not being snarky here, but there’s a very very very good chance that that person is not Biden.

(long-ish more in depth USA-specific thoughts under the cut)

Let’s look at the two specifics that you mention. Yes, the president may be commander in chief of the armed forces but that “just” (air quotes bc obviously that is hugely consequential power, but it’s not the only power at play) means he’s the guy who says yes or no, stay or go. A more effective tool to address the United State’s relationship to Israel? Money. You know who controls the federal money? Congress. You know which political body has elections twice as frequently as the president? Congress. Look into who your Senators and Representatives are, look into their voting records, look into their hiring choices, look into their public statements and appearances, look into the company the keep.

If you like what you find, let them know, and if you have the resources, donate money and/or volunteer your time to make sure they win reelection. If you do not like what you find, and you think they might be responsive to public pressure, let them know you didn’t like what you found. If you found it abhorrent or do not trust that they will adjust to their constituents expectations, figure out if they have a competitor, and if they don’t, make sure that someone steps up to the plate. That someone doesn’t have to be you, but while we live in an ostensible democracy, these people can lose their jobs if and when we vote them out.

Regarding Roe v Wade, this might be upsetting to hear but you need to get used to the idea that it’s not coming back, and if anything, things might get worse. If voting and the legal system is your jam, I can recommend researching the circuit and district judges that preside over your region. If organizing and direct action are more your thing, there’s probably a Nurse’s Union in your area that can point you in the right direction. If your school district has an elected body where you can run for a seat to make sure that kids in your area are getting appropriately scientific sexual health education, do that. If you feel brave enough to start actively having conversations about sexual health and reproductive rights among your daily/weekly social groups, and maybe even start a book club style study group to learn about the legal and medical aspects most relevant where you live, do that. Even on the most individual scale, if you can make it clearly known that you are a safe person for people to talk to about this stuff, that’s a great step in the right direction.

To wrap this up, I think I’ll just say that I think big picture, if Biden wins a second term, things will be fine. If anything, maybe his administration will be able to bolster the environmental wins in the Inflation Reduction Act (IRA) but at a basic level he will probably maintain the status quo and then after the four years are up, he’ll leave office.

Let’s please not pretend the same can be said about Trump.

But in the spirit of ending on a more hopeful note, if you do not want Kamala Harris to be the presumptive nominee for the Democratic Party in 2028 (and/or if you want a third party other than the Democrats and the Republicans to stand a snowball’s chance in hell) the time to start organizing is now. We deserve better than the status quo, we can do this, let’s fuckin go 💪

mod dyr

[mirimangarecs]

“for better or for worse” - eunren & noh hueda

a noblewoman from a humble country house realizes that her entire life is a pre-written book, and that an imminent arranged marriage between a ducal heir and her little sister will lead to her tragic death. she sabotages the engagement in order to save her sister’s life, but ends up married to him instead. they’re both snarky, stubborn, and refuse to fall in love…… unless…………

the couple: these two are my favourite historical romance couple, hands down. they are such incredible shitheads to each other but the bickering always feels like a real, equal give-and-take based on strong personalities. they are quick-witted, hilarious, outgoing, and extremely active participants in their own lives. watching their relationship grow and change slowly is my joy. they’re made for each other

the plot: i adore how realistic and grounded the story and setting are. there’s no magic, no empire-shaking conflicts; just a relatively unassuming marriage between aristocrats and navigating the social and interpersonal challenges that come with it. the story as a whole is well-written and has a fantastic commitment to the victorian style without ever being stuffy. i would kill to be able to read the novel

the art: phenomenal. 12/10. i wish the artist had more work available. it’s crisp, bright, unique, easy on the eyes, and completely refreshing. the panels are neatly organized and fly by like watching a movie. the physical action pops off the screen and the judiciously applied detail panels are gorgeous. i want to eat this art.

also, the character designs: the big fluffy bangs, strong eyebrows, small cute lips, fangs, and boisterous chibi expressions make the characters so incredibly charming and expressive. i’m getting a lot of classic shoujo inspiration and i love it

concerns and criticisms: honestly almost none, it’s virtually flawless, but the ones i do have relate entirely to the ending. like, the final ~5 chapters. which is a matter of taste!! only big big spoilers from here:

the sin of overexplaining:

- we didn’t NEED to have the entire soul-swapping situation explicitly narrated to us, especially after the previous ~3 chapters all but said so. i think it would’ve been more poignant left unsaid with all the clues given to interpret. dillon learned the information in-universe and the audience was tastefully excluded, only for that extremely delicate narrative device to be tossed out the window

it was adeline’s soul all along!:

- this really cheeses me because we just spent so much time with dillon As Dillon. cedric fell in love with her because of who she was, and if who she was was just adeline’s soul in a trenchcoat, then what happens to the moral of the story being positive change, personal agency, and choosing to love someone?

- sure, the “we as souls are so entangled we’ll find each other no matter who we are on the outside” is poetic and certainly has appeal and WAS hinted at, but it just fell so flat for me after dillon spent the entire manhwa agonizing over not being adeline, believing she didn’t deserve cedric because she wasn’t adeline, that she would have to leave him when he meets adeline, and going on such a tumultuous, laborious journey of self-acceptance where she comes to terms with her past life and finally being loved as herself……. only to find out she was adeline all along. she worked so hard to gain her confidence and then it’s just oops! all adeline. idk man

- the way that it leads you to think it’s a traditional “normal modern isekai into a novel” trope and then pulls the rug out from under you is pretty clever

IT’S STILL A 13/10 MUST READ TOP 5 MANHWA 🎉🎉🪅🌟✨ okay bye

[mithliya]

A girl I dated at years ago, in a fit of rage, nearly choked me to death because she convinced herself I was sleeping with a male. All because I didn’t want to have sex with her, which is something she knew from the start and was okay with waiting. It was not the first time she had put her hands on me either, but it took her almost ending my life for me to take a hint and stop making excuses for her. At the end of the day, I had no business being with her type or trying to convince myself that I was fit to live in a Set It Off reality (lmao too adventurous and trying to be captain save-a-hoe) She had a history of thug activities, so I take full responsibility for what I got myself into and how I allowed myself to be a victim. This is a gold star lesbian btw and she’s since been to jail several times for beating on females and a multitude of other petty crimes/demonic activities. Last year, she apologized to me (7 years late girl) and admitted that she purposely gets herself sent to jail because she enjoys all of the female attention she gets there as a masculine female. Truly Pathetic and I regret not listening to my mother when she’d literally told me “that girl is a demon and you need to stay away from her.”

that sounds horrible 😭 i’m so sorry u went thru that. especially the fact that she did that to u for not being ready to have sex.. just horrible and gross. i’m glad u stood ur ground and dumped her in the end at least.

i have a similar story with my ex (she’s bi tho) & she was violent for no reason. just seriously mentally unwell basically and the red flags were pretty obvious but i overlooked them bc i guess i just did not see my self-worth. she also choked me and it was literally just. random. she’d wake up and immediately get on top of me and choke me. one time i think she did it as some kind of “joke” and i ended up throwing up bc of it … also she had a few weeks in our relationship where she was basically storing cocaine for dealers at her place & she was stealing cocaine from them and going on cocaine binges which u can imagine how she’d act in those moments if she was trying to kill me when she’s sober! she was on ketamine once and literally bit my friend. just insane stuff. and ppl like that are never worth it nor can u somehow “save” them bc when they’re that bad, they usually don’t care to make themselves better. in my case she even tried to convince me that IM the one who’s worse off.. bc i “cry too much”. also she stole my wallet and when the police said they saw who stole it and described her to a T, she convinced me that she knows who it is and will find this woman and get my wallet and money back. would give me these stories about it too.

also the woman u dated sounds .. desperate tbh! from my experience at least, masculine lesbians don’t need jail to find interested women. they tend to get plenty of attention in general. at least that was the case for basically every masculine lesbian i had a thing with. she must rly have low self-worth and have problems to be putting herself in and out of jail just to get more female attention. i hope she gets better bc i assume she must be miserable if she’s still living like that. i’m glad ur out of that situation and kept urself safe,, it’s rly not worth it to date women like that n to tell urself that you can somehow “save” them,, i learned that the hard way 😭 u deserve better than that. no point in regretting it tho— we can’t undo our pasts, but we can at least use these negative experiences as ways to improve ourselves and teach ourselves somehow. at least that’s what i tell myself to cope with what i’ve been thru lmao,, and at least i can say in terms of my ex, it did teach me to look out for red flags more and not disrespect myself so badly that i’m willing to be abused and exploited and manipulated in the hope of gaining a woman’s love