#like… yeah ok fair enough. good on you kids for being chill or whatever idk

[roombagreyjoy]

I was also alternatively called “ma’am” and “sir?” by those very same kids. On account of me wearing a skirt. Which I won’t lie it was kinda fun watching them struggle their way through it like “oh but… skirt? But? Wuh? Oh, okay…” and then just shrug it off like “well then, that’s just what English teachers are like ig”

[promithiae]

There are no sympathetic characters in the Hansel and Gretel story.

Let’s start with the parents. You’ve got Father, who was so in ompetant at being a father that he just married that first person that would say yes. Like dude went from Good and Virtuous Wife (isn’t the first wife always Good and Virtuous 🙄) to this haggard bitch without even thinking things through? Did 0 vetting? Didn’t even once think to ask, “hey, how do you feel about kids that aren’t your own?” Bruh. Stop thinking with your dick and actually pay attention to New Woman’s interactions with your kids.

Speaking of the New Woman. What is the deal with Evil Step Mother? Why the stepmother always gotta be Evil? Why can’t New Mom ever be good and kind to her blended family? Also, this is what, the 17th century? These brats (yeah, we’ll get to these little shit heads next, don’t worry) and they’re like 10 and 8? another couple years and you can send Hansel into some mine to work to death and little Gretel is almost marrying age. Like, if these kids really are such a threat to your vast fortune (which I really don’t believe Father had. He’s like a woodcutter or something with a little house and maybe a donkey. My dude doesn’t have any fortunes to worry about, you need to chill, lady) they’d be easy enough to take care of in a not totally evil kind of way. Not morally good,  or even sympathetic, but at least not actively trying to murder them with a forest. 

SPEAKING of murdering children with forests, let me talk about Hansel and Gretel. Ok. Ok, these little shits get lost in the wood and come upon a house made of gingerbread and candy. Now instead of, I don’t know, KNOCKING ON THE DOOR and offering to do some chores for food and a bed these little turds decide to just eat this house. Like. Of COURSE the witch was mad???? I’d be pissed too if some little assholes strolled on up to my house and, instead of raiding the garden or the pantry and promising to help plant and sow or whatever just. Started eating my front door? That took TIME and EFFORT to bake, you little fucker! Do you realize how hard it is to make gingerbread in sheets large enough to make a door? Or the side of a house??? And these little fuckers just stroll up and completely RUIN the facing? Bitch, I’d be pissed and thinking about cooking them in a damn oven, too. Make them into some fucking garden statuary. Fuck.

But don’t think for a second that I’m letting the witch off that easy. Because seriously? What the fuck kind of building material is gingerbread? How is that structurally sound??? You’re living in the black forest you crazy old bat, there’s rain and snow, and hail, and fog, and other damp things. Ok, yeah, gingerbread is great on its own when it’s dry. But have you ever dipped that shit in coffee or tea? It crumbles away to nothing. How the hell do you think it’s going to last the winter??? Also there are like. Squirrels and bears and chipmunks and badgers and sparrows and idk, rabbits and shit in that forest that would be overjoyed to have a huge sheet of gingerbread to munch on. Like. You can’t literally make your house out of food and then be mad when something comes along and eats it. Not even if the things coming along are children who, after approximately 2.5 hours in the forest with no food have apparently become completely feral. So what do you do as punishment? A rational person would make them help repair it so that they understand how hard it was for you to make your structurally unsound house. But no. This bitch sees two human children - even if they are completely unsympathetic little fucks - and decides that a suitable punishment is to make them into dinner. wtf lady. what the actual fuck. Now, if she had turned her house into a monster and had the house mimic eat the kids as retribution then I would be all for it. Fair turn around. Kids eat house, house eats kids. Done and done. But no, this bitch decides actual cannibalism is fair play. Like I was already a little wishy washy on the whole gingerbread as building material thing, but you’ve completely lost me with the cannibalism. I can’t fault those little fuckers for shoving her into her own oven.

The only person I can’t criticise in this mess of a story is Mother, and that’s only because she went and died before she could fuck up her kids lives worse that they did on their own.

[shg11]

I've been around the block on this website a few times, and I've noticed that if there are two things you bitches love, it's horoscopes and. I count myself firmly in this camp, BTW. I'm not going to act like I'm above either of those things. So I thought to myself, "Why not combine the two things betches hold most dear, into one completely nonsensical accurate horoscope?" And that's exactly what I did. Through some very careful plotting of the movement of the stars and calling upon my own photographic memory of every episode of , I bring you: What SVU detective are you based on your horoscope? If you've ever tried to convince your friends that you're an Olivia, I'm going to need you to take every single seat. Everyone thinks they're an Olivia, okay? In reality, only one sign can be Benson. And Benson isn't even the best SVU detective (now sergeant). So which of these dedicated detectives who make up this elite squad are you? Read 'em and weep.

Aries - Amanda Rollins

Yeah, I bet you all thought I’d start this list off with Benson because Aries are natural born leaders, didn’t you? Surprise, bitch. Y’all get Rollins. Rollins came into the SVU squad hot by catching that identical twin serial rapist who followed his innocent twin brother across state lines to commit assault after assault, so we all thought she was a good one. Just like you, Aries, Rollins has some promising qualities. But you know what Aries’ worst quality is? They’re impulsive, impatient, and moody. Rollins has a fucking gambling addiction (impulsive), won't be put on desk duty even though she's pregnant (impatient), and won’t stop enabling her piece of shit sister who TRIED TO SEND HER TO PRISON (too fucking sentimental aka moody)—so yeah, I think that all describes Rollins impeccably. Sorry not sorry, you secretly suck.

^See? MOODY!

Taurus - Mike Dodds

Taurus (Taurans? Tauri?) are reliable and responsible, but they can also be stubborn and uncompromising. Likewise, Dodds was a professional through and through, unlike the rest of these bozos that make up this so-called “elite squad”. Dodds did his work. He even helmed the SVU for a while. But he also refused to leave SVU for a cushy job at the joint terrorism task force that his dad had set up for him. It was a stubborn move that ultimately led to his death—and if there's one thing Taurus is known for, it's bullheadedness. Not even a pun, just actual factual. Taurus, your ability to stick to your guns is admirable, just make sure it doesn’t get you shot in the line of duty. (Ok, pun was unintentional at first, but then I decided to just go with it.)

Gemini - Ed Tucker

That’s fucking right, Gemini, you’re not even a real SVU detective because your ass can’t be trusted. Geminis are literally known for being two-faced, and there’s nobody the SVU distrusts more than Tucker over at IAB. He supposedly works for the NYPD, and yet that guy seems to have a personal vendetta against the Special Victims Unit. Why? (*Thinks back to every illegal maneuver Stabler, Amaro, etc. have ever gotten away with* Oh. Ok.) One minute, you’re convinced he’s shutting down the SVU for good, the next, he’s like, "Gotcha!! You all THOUGHT I would make you face the consequences for your actions... psych!" I just cannot figure this guy out, just like I cannot figure out what my dad will get angry about and what he'll be cool with, and my dad is also a Gemini. Coincidence? IDK, I'll bring it up in my next therapy session. That said, it’s not completely fair to paint Geminis as unpredictable freaks—you can be very thoughtful and affectionate, which is I assume how Tucker managed to win over Benson. And, I’ll admit, Ed wasn’t a bad guy and was probably the most stable and caring male figure in Benson’s life thus far. Retirement suited him well. Not saying the same goes for you, Gemini, but you might want to take that 401K seriously just in case. (Not horoscope-related advice, just general life advice.)

Cancer - Dani Beck

Cancers are the pussies of the zodiac in the sense that they are highly emotional. Hey, don’t cry at me; I’m just the messenger. This bleeding heart Dani tries to take in a child because she feels bad for her, only she doesn’t bother to do it the proper way, like, through the authorities or New York State foster care system (whatever that is). She’s just all, “Oh you’re so cute and emotionally disturbed, come sleep on my couch.” That plan went up in flames—literally. Hope she had renter's insurance. Later on, once again too emotional to make a decision on whether to stay in the SVU or leave, Dani tries to put the decision onto Elliot, who’s like “nah fam, I'm not doing this." Cancer, it’s great that you care about people, but try thinking with your brain sometime. It might get you into less trouble and life-threatening situations. There is a limit to empathy. You know what they say: Don’t set yourself on fire to keep other people warm. Okay, enough fire metaphors.

^Honestly, Munch, a valid question.

Leo - Nick Amaro

Everyone thinks Aries are the leader of the zodiac, but anyone who actually bothers to read horoscopes other than their own knows Leos are always shadily killing it. Y’all are warm, action-oriented, and driven by the desire to be loved. That last bit reminded me a lot of Michael Scott, but we can save e horoscopes for another day. Anyway, you Leos are Amaro, you lucky bitches. You’re a sun sign so you’re hot (I know it’s a huge stretch but please, let me have my thirst), but you’re also loyal and trustworthy. Tbh, Nick was loyal to Olivia almost to a fault (kind of like another certain partner of hers…what perfume does she wear?). However, Leos are also stubborn af and inflexible, kinda like how Nick refused to see that his marriage was crumbling right before his very eyes. Andddd kinda like how Nick was told not to hunt down pedophile David Rosen on his own accord like some state-funded vigilante, but he beat him to a bloody pulp anyway and almost lost his job and actually compromised his entire career for it. Fam. I was rooting for you, we were all rooting for you!

Virgo - John Munch

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy, and it also makes up one of Virgo’s major flaws, according to the random horoscope website off of which I based most of this list. As a Virgo, you’re hardworking, practical, and loyal, but you can also be a worrywart who’s overly critical. Sound familiar? It should, because while Munch is the ultimate ride-or-die for the SVU squad, the dude is also kind of a nutcase. Like, he probably doesn’t have a smartphone because he thinks the government has bugged it (and he’s probably not wrong tbh given that every WiFi device was just hacked and nobody in the media is reporting about this). Munch is always ranting and raving about Big Brother, and he probably should chill a bit, seeing as he literally works for the government. But Munch, and Virgos, will probably be right, only they won't say "I told you so" because they hate attention. Although a bit of a wallflower, Virgos are extremely perceptive. Similarly, if you listen closely to anything Munch says, you will notice that he is always getting to the heart of people's issues with this one-liner jabs, and no one ever gives him the proper acknowledgment for his biting sarcasm and critiques. Ah, well. That's life, as a sarcastic Jiminy Cricket, I suppose.

^That's the pot calling the kettle paranoid, eh, John?

Libra - Odafin Tutuola

Balanced and fair and not one to rock the boat, Libras are Ice-T to a T. Am I biased because I’m a Libra and Ice-T is my favorite SVU detective? Probably, but what are you gonna do? Arrest me? Look, Ice-T… fine, FIN, is the cool, calm, and collected detective who doesn’t get rattled, even when people call him racist slurs in the interrogation room. He’s also prone to playing “good cop” and pretending to empathize with the perps so he can get a good confession. (Seriously, watch like, any episode and I bet you’ll hear Fin say something like, “I get it. You spent all that money on dinner and she wouldn’t give it up? Who does that bitch think she is?”). Libras are all about keeping the peace and care about others, which can sometimes blow up in their faces, like when you try to not get involved with Rollins’ obvious gambling addiction but then it starts affecting her work and you end up loaning her thousands of dollars to go undercover in an underground casino. C’mon, Fin. You don’t give money to an addict. That’s like, rule number one of enabling. You’re never gonna get that bread back. Be kind, be fair, but don’t be a fucking patsy.

Scorpio - Elliot Stabler

The word “Scorpio” is basically synonymous with “psycho,” so here we fucking are, Scorpio/Stabler. Are you surprised? You shouldn’t be, because you know you’re one clever perp or issue with your kids away from taking a dive off the deep end. (You really should get those children in therapy. And also, stop calling your son "Dicky". I bet that's the root of like, 75% of his issues.) Sure, Scorpios are assertive and natural born leaders—that’s what got you here and why you succeeded for so many seasons. But, to put it bluntly, you’re also a fucking sadists who enjoy watching people suffer. Which would explain the multiple department-ordered anger management classes and the string of pedophiles who’ve almost walked away scot-free because you couldn’t control your fists in the interrogation room, ELLIOT.

Sagittarius - Dominick Carisi Jr.

Yeah, I didn't know there was a Dominick Carisi Sr., either, until I looked it up just now. Mind blown. Curious and energetic, Sagittarius keep an open mind, much like how Carisi went from being a low-key misogynist (it wasn’t really malicious; he was just ignorant) to #WokeBae in the span of only a few seasons. We also have to respect Carisi’s thirst for knowledge, as he’s the only one on this squad who’s ever made significant moves to better himself by going to law school—and no, attending department mandated therapy sessions does not count as “bettering” oneself (you know who you are). Despite meaning well, Sagittarius can sometimes put their foot in their mouth and say whatever comes to mind, no matter how undiplomatic their ideas may be. And I’d say that describes, oh, 90% of Carisi’s opinions in his first season. It’s okay, Carisi. You’re learning. Sagittarius are travel lovers, but I swear to God if Carisi leaves the show and they keep Olivia, there will be hell to pay. Do you hear me, Dick?! HELL!

Capricorn - Olivia Benson

Capricorns are responsible and disciplined, and while I personally am not living for Olivia’s character arc as of late, I’ve gotta say the woman is responsible when it comes to like, her kid and also like, not completely waving her middle finger in the face of the law and NYPD procedure (*cough* Amaro *cough* STABLER *COUGHS UP A LUNG*). Sorry. Anyway, Capricorns are good managers, and Olivia is doing a pretty decent job managing this squad of goons. (Mostly directed at Rollins.) Independent in their personal and professional lives, a Capricorn’s personal motto is “Can’t Tell Me Nothin’”. And if that’s not Olivia, IDK what is. You really can’t tell this woman nothin’. You can’t tell her not to date every man in her immediate professional circle; you can’t tell her to fucking TELL SOMEONE if she’s going to go off and secretly meet known rapist and sadistic kidnapper, William Louis, in an abandoned building; you can’t tell her that no, a woman who gets tricked into bed by a man who lied about his name and job title was not raped. Seriously, that’s not how it works, Olivia. That’s not how any of this works.

^Never forget

Aquarius - Monique Jeffries

Aquarians are usually shy and quiet, but they can have a bit of a crazy and unpredictable side. Who else better fits that bill than Jeffries, the woman who never did anything interesting until boom, one explosion and she’s gone off the deep end, going on dates with former rape suspects. Just think about that. Sorry your horoscope is kind of lame, but like, there's not a whole lot to say about you or this woman. Become more interesting and then report back to me with your results.

Pisces - Brian Cassidy

Pisces, y’all are some paranoid and hysterical motherfuckers. You get way too sentimental and it can hinder your life progress—kinda like how Cassidy gets made fun of in season one because he can’t control his emotions about the cases. And like, I get it, I’m sure I wouldn’t be able to be cavalier in the face of sex crimes, but that’s why I didn’t sign myself up to work in the sex crimes division of the NYPD. Know yourself. Work on that, and then maybe you can have another brief stint in SVU a full decade later. One of Pisces' major weaknesses is their desire to escape reality, which can get them into trouble—for instance, when they sign up for a multi-year undercover operation, get into a relationship with a prostitute, get shot and almost die when their undercover status is exposed, and later on get accused of rape by a prostitute they met undercover years prior which causes them to get demoted. You know, just a totally random example. Find a healthy and less literal way to escape reality, Pisces/Cassidy.

  Read more: http://www.betches.com/what-law-and-order-svu-detective-you-are-based-on-your-horoscope

[punkscowardschampions]

Ali & Carly

Ali: Have you been to the Drs yet?

Ali: I can come with if you want

Carly: what are you talking about?

Carly: why would I?

Ali: When was your last period?

Carly: idk

Carly: who cares

Ali: I think you're pregnant, Carly

Ali: whatever you plan to do, the sooner you get it handled the better

Carly: wtf no

Carly: im not

Ali: Have you done a test?

Ali: worth a check

Carly: i dont need to

Carly: id know if i was having a baby

Carly: you have it doesnt mean youre an expert k

Ali: Girl, you ain't seen 'I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant'?

Ali: its not all the drama and vomming its usually made out to be

Ali: not always

Carly: k

Carly: but youre wasting your time telling me

Carly: i dont need to know

Ali: Fair enough

Ali: but I don't mind

Ali: how have things been then?

Carly: good

Carly: what about you?

Ali: i'm glad

Ali: you know, bit stressful but getting into the swing of things with Edie

Ali: basically ready to go Singapore

Ali: just a few loose ends to sort

Carly: yea

Carly: she's good?

Ali: Yeah, pretty chill, bless her

Ali: how's Drew

Carly: he's him

Ali: Yeah

Ali: Could you tell him Meena would like to see him

Ali: he doesn't need to worry

Ali: not an ambush

Carly: k yea i will

Ali: Thanks Carly

Carly: he'll wanna see her

Carly: dont thank me

Ali: I know but thanks all the same

Ali: Its going to be weird leaving this place

Ali: I'll miss ya

Carly: no you won't

Carly: youll be having too much fun

Ali: I mean, its the plan but three kids and a full-time course

Ali: doesn't scream party party 😜

Ali: anyway, who there will let me art all over them? not a euphemism

Carly: too busy wiping baby butts and having breakdowns then

Carly: Caleb will

Carly: on both counts

Ali: Exactly, I'll be sobbing down the phone

Ali: like I never left 😂

Ali: and the jury's out there

Ali: 🤞 though

Carly: dont

Carly: unless you give me warning to zone out

Carly: he will

Carly: he loves you

Ali: duh, friend's prerogative

Ali: its best if you don't dole out the advice

Ali: not that that stops me but so I've heard

Ali: I know

Ali: Still hurt him

Ali: sometimes you can't come back from shit, so we'll see

Carly: sometimes you can

Ali: Of course

Ali: I never got to say sorry to you

Ali: that was shitty of me

Ali: things were hectic

Ali: but I really am

Carly: why

Carly: he wasnt mine

Ali: No but I knew how you felt about him

Ali: I could explain why it happened and the specific circumstances but I don't want to if you don't wanna hear it

Carly: no i didnt know

Carly: dont he wanted you for years

Carly: he got it out of his system

Ali: Okay, well I had my suspicions then

Ali: that was what it was for him

Ali: but not me

Carly: i know

Carly: you have a lot of supicious

Carly: thinking im knocked up dont make me laugh

Ali: I know the signs, Carly

Carly: i hope so

Carly: 3 kids

Ali: and you're showing them

Carly: im not

Carly: why are you trying to put the idea in my head

Carly: drew dont want your kid were not going there

Ali: because someone needs to

Ali: i don't care what drew wants

Ali: i'm telling you for you

Ali: so you can do what you want

Carly: well i do

Carly: i care what he wants

Carly: and i dont want any kids either

Ali: cool, that's totally fine but then you're on a time limit here

Ali: there's things you need to get sorted before you can't

Ali: this isn't an induction into the club, i don't need a yummy mummy friend

Ali: i care about you, i want you to do right by you on this

Carly: if you care then stop

Carly: seeing things that arent there

Carly: youre messing with my head here

Ali: i'm not trying to

Ali: do you wanna take the risk?

Ali: i'll get you a test

Ali: prove me wrong and tell me to fuck off

Ali: I WANNA be wrong too but I don't think I am so

Carly: dont

Carly: save your money for your kids

Carly: I'm not having one

Carly: i dont need to prove that or anything to you

Ali: Okay

Ali: that's all I've got to say

Ali: I won't speak on it again

Carly: good

Carly: i dont need it from you

Ali: I can imagine

Ali: but I didn't see anyone else letting you know

Ali: Had to, I'm not sorry for doing it but I am sorry its got to be me

Carly: its nobodys business

Carly: it's not even mine its not happening

Ali: Not what you do, no

Ali: but someone should be taking care of you

Ali: is Drew?

Carly: he loves me

Ali: doesn't answer the question

Carly: its not what you wanna hear you mean

Ali: Not gonna say I'm happy for you 'cos how could I?

Ali: But if you think I want Drew

Ali: then no

Carly: you should

Carly: you should want him

Ali: Well, I don't

Ali: I'm not saying he's the devil incarnate but I just don't

Ali: and you wouldn't want me to so?

Carly: i want him to be happy

Ali: We all want that for him

Ali: he doesn't feel it rn I know

Ali: but we do

Ali: You too, Carly

Carly: like i said im good

Ali: I hope so

Ali: don't you think you make Drew happy?

Carly: he wanted you and his kid you know that

Ali: No he didn't, doesn't

Ali: He's not seen her at all, its been a month

Ali: and you know he has no plans

Carly: im not telling tales on him

Carly: you know why he hasn't been around

Ali: Not asking you to

Ali: just bare in mind that he's got his side and I've got mine

Ali: Respect his but don't deny me mine, I know what happened and what was said to me

Carly: k

Ali: [Drewsif: I want nothing to do with it, that thing, fuck you both]

Ali: last I heard

Ali: I'm taking him at his word

Carly: he's in pieces

Carly: he doesnt want you and caleb pushing him out

Carly: her calling someone else dad while he pays up

Ali: We all are but we have to talk about it, to work it out

Ali: He's not being pushed out

Ali: its self-exile

Ali: and he isn't paying anything, don't expect him to, even though I'd be within my rights to ask

Ali: that ain't me

Ali: He's her Father, always will be but if he won't communicate with me, how can I make him step up?

Ali: I'm not about to make him, he has to want it, want her

Carly: he's scared

Ali: Understandable

Ali: He isn't the only one

Ali: he's allowed to be

Ali: but he isn't allowed to use her as a pawn, no

Carly: i know

Carly: i wish i could help

Ali: I know

Ali: you're a good person, Carly

Ali: I'm not trying to be a cunt, to anyone

Ali: but especially not you

Ali: I just wish everything could be sorted

Carly: Don't make laugh

Carly: I am not

Carly: everything'll get sorted he just needs to sort his head first

Ali: You are

Ali: Can't even help yourself, like 😘

Ali: I want him too

Ali: but if he could, keep us in the loop

Ali: because then I'll know what to say and do

Ali: I've got to think of Edie, first

Ali: but I don't hate Drew, and I want what's best for him

Ali: for all of us

Carly: can't help myself about load of shit

Carly: not that

Carly: give him a bit more time

Carly: not years just

Carly: she's so little

Ali: Nah

Ali: You've got many good deeds tallied to your name, trust

Ali: outweighs the rest

Ali: Okay

Ali: at the end of the day, we're always going to be here

Ali: not here here but

Ali: whenever he comes around, if he can prove he's worth it, he'll be given the chance

Ali: I'm not being unfair or keeping her from him

Carly: i know you wouldnt

Carly: i know what hes worth too

Ali: I take your word on it

Ali: but at the moment, that's all I got

Ali: but I'll be waiting on him, I promise, okay?

Carly: yea

Carly: thanks ali

Carly: youre still sweet

Ali: any time

Ali: you too girl

Carly: if i had a ma like you

Carly: the kids are lucky

Carly: and theyre gonna be good

Carly: youll see

Ali: get ready to plug your ears

Ali: too hormonal, you're gonna make me cry!

Ali: but i'm putting my life on it

Ali: its going to be good

Carly: its ok you can

Carly: have a sob

Carly: itll be kicking in for me when you get going

Ali: Thought you meant your hormones

Ali: Hope you stopped listening already, don't fight me 😉

Carly: I've killed them off

Carly: havent bleed regular since i started

Carly: it'll be all that good microwave nutrition

Ali: Gurl

Ali: Please, please PLEASE stop by the restaurant

Ali: I'll tell Gus and co, put it on my tab

Ali: If I could I'd be bringing you meals myself but I ain't gone be here

Ali: Promise bitch

Carly: itd be wasted on these tastebuds

Carly: dead too

Carly: youve got enough mouths to feed, bitch

Ali: then grub is grub so shut up and like it

Ali: need them nutrients

Ali: scrappy lil thing 😘

Carly: when she's a feeder. Thought you stopped fancying me years back

Ali: Oh no, I'm just out here biding time, poppin' out kids, 'til you come to your senses

Carly: i'll bring my imaginary kid when i roll up

Carly: you can name it

Ali: Ugh, my favourite bit!

Ali: know the way to my 💚 babe

Ali: I'll be pondering

Carly: boy or girl since you know everything

Ali: I'd have to run some tests

Ali: not bought from the chemists

Ali: lemme get the string and ring and be right there, like

Carly: ha

Carly: what do you do with that

Carly: tie me down

Ali: Literally, hog-tied and wifed up in one

Carly: casual weekday

Ali: you know it

Ali: how else did i end up the teen mum trash i am today

Carly: you arent

Carly: youre the best mum

Carly: if i was having any babies id want tips

Ali: Stop! 😭 When she's trying to break you #killabitchwithkindness

Ali: I'll set up the mummy blog now 😉 get in on it before i'm mega famous and getting those nappy brand deals

Carly: no need to link me

Carly: clueless and childless until death

Ali: hey, doesn't sound like the worst life to me

Ali: former bliss, latter...probs the same

Carly: when you going?

Carly: to singapore not the afterlife

Ali: just over a week

Ali: scary stuff, man

Carly: won't see you then

Carly: busy girl you are

Ali: I can make time

Ali: My Mother will be having an aneurysm but I'm pretty chill, ya know 😜

Carly: yea

Carly: thatd be good

Ali: Wicked, might have some kiddos in tow, at least the bab, can throw the others into Nursery mwahahaha

Ali: want me to bring the gun again, give you something to remember me by? 👌😋

Carly: aw

Carly: but the boys my fave

Carly: yea you should

Ali: when she wants you to bring a man

Ali: #baitedagain

Ali: you are his fave, why not, play dates are the chillest form of socialisation

Ali: fuck the club tbh

Ali: I will then

Ali: matching? be dem hoes?

Carly: ha

Carly: when hes that cute

Carly: aw

Carly: yea we have to

Carly: everyones thinking it

Ali: 🙌 let 'em think, make 'em talk

Carly: ill miss you

Ali: i'll miss you too

Ali: but i won't let ya, be on that phone 24/7

Ali: i've been made to swear on my life i'll be back for christmas, s'only a few months

Ali: we'll catch up then?

Carly: yea

Carly: theres your gift

Ali: yay, i'll bring you back some cool shit we don't have here no doubt

Carly: better drugs or worse

Carly: let me know

Carly: dont wanna fill your case with any old shit

Ali: with MY vagina? baggies fall right out

Ali: soz babe

Ali: mail order bride?

Ali: you know you wanna

Carly: ha

Carly: drew'd be happy

Carly: so yea should do

Ali: hm, i'll get him a keyring

Ali: 😉

Carly: he is always losing mine

Ali: See? I just KNOW things

Carly: bring him an address book too cant pretend he dont know where i am

Ali: He needs that alright

Ali: maybe I'll invent a microchip while I'm out there

Ali: hotwire his brain

Carly: yea

Carly: make me one too

Carly: different programming but

Ali: I will

Ali: get your requests in now

Carly: ill do my list

Ali: So many lists

Ali: my head is lists

Ali: as if they don't have socks there 🙄

Carly: use mine for storage

Carly: its emptied out

Ali: nah, might be nights out lights out

Ali: but you still in there

Ali: better be, not gotta make a cake but you know I'm coming so 💚

Carly: never made one but for you id give it a try

Carly: especially if you bring my fave boy

Ali: Obviously! Mum rule #1, bribe 'em with sugar, always

Ali: 😍 lets make fairy cakes #domesticgoddesses

Carly: dont think the caravan is kitted out for that

Carly: but yea

Ali: come over here man

Ali: there isn't a kitchen better stocked

Ali: can't even take the cred

Carly: serious? i can

Ali: Of course, hell yeah

Ali: ngl, save me getting out the pram of hell, double wide, you'd see me coming from a mile off 🙄😂

Carly: gonna borrow that when im feeling tired

Carly: ill fit

Ali: you probably would, its tempting

Ali: get Junie walking for me and there's a spot with your name on it

Carly: run into my arms sweet boy

Ali: [Sends Junior selfie]

Ali: The look of love, he's buzzin'

Carly: aw

Carly: trying to make me wish there is a kid in here

Carly: if its a boy like him

Ali: they'll work on you like that

Ali: sneaky adorable bastards

Carly: itd be a rio

Carly: i know

Ali: shh, she might hear you 😜

Ali: i can't hold her back, gurl, you'll be on your own

Carly: junie will protect me

Ali: Fair, he's her weak spot

Ali: Solid plan

Carly: whats edie gonna say

Carly: havent even seen her

Ali: she's not much of a talker

Ali: i'll whack my tit out if she gets aggro

Ali: that always works

Carly: on all the girls yea i know

Ali: you said it baby

Carly: war flashbacks happening

Carly: been on more tits than you

Ali: alright, don't rub it in

Ali: straight bitch

Carly: dont say rub

Carly: ive done my time

Ali: 😂 you say that but no one forced you

Ali: self-inflicted punishment still punishment, yeah?

Carly: yea yea

Ali: Well, I better go buy those vacuum pack things

Ali: WILD

Ali: need anything?

Carly: fun

Carly: no thanks

Carly: im set

Ali: coolio, catch you in a bit bitch 💋

Carly: love you bitch

Ali: always gon' love you

Ali: BITCH

[fae-fucker]

The One: Chapter 20

Ok, only 11 chapters to go. We’re almost there.

The other girls freak out on America, with Elise saying that America has to follow the king’s rules and we get this:

“Maybe the rules are wrong!” I screamed [...]

You’ve seen torture and supposedly lived in poverty thanks to Clarkson’s rules, and it took you three books to arrive at a “maybe”? 

*sigh*

Anyhoo, America gets pulled away by the royal family to get a good talking to, and again we see how the evil Big Bad King Clarkson is a completely useless, incompetent doink and thus a very weak and pathetic villain:

“You swore!” he bellowed. “You said she was under control. First the outburst on the Report, then you nearly get yourself killed on the roof, and now this? It ends today, Maxon.”

Though to be fair, a villain must be this weak and incompetent for America to triumph. Anybody more intelligent and she’d be dead in a week.

This supposedly super evil mastermind who orders little kids tortured can’t have one dumb bitch executed or even assassinated and paint it as an accident. 

This is honestly so fucking sad. Like literally, he’s only this incompetent because if he were A BIT, just A SMIDGE more intelligent, this whole plot would’ve crumbled.

“Father, did you hear the cheers? People appreciate her sympathy. She’s your greatest asset right now.”

“I beg your pardon?” His voice was an iceberg, slow and deadly.

Maxon paused a moment at the chill but continued. “When she suggested that people defend themselves, the public responded positively. I daresay the reason more people aren’t dead is because of her. And this? Father, I couldn’t put a man in jail for life over what was supposed to be a petty crime. How can you expect that from someone who’s probably seen more than her fair share of friends beaten for less? She’s refreshing. The majority of the population is in the lower castes, and they relate to her.”

I had to read that, and now so do you. (Also, wtf is that iceberg metaphor?)

Clarkson says that he let America stay because she keeps Maxon ... focused?

Guys, I’m gonna cry.

“Clarkson, perhaps—” He silenced the queen with a look, and whatever her opinion was fell away.

CAN YOU SMELL THE FEMINISM IN THE AIR. KIERA CASS IS SURE ALL ABOUT THAT SWEET SWEET FEMALE EMPOWERMENT! SO MANY STRONK FEMAL CHARACTAAARS!!

“These girls have been disastrous. Even the Asian’s connections have done nothing for me. [...]”

You’re just an incompetent twat then. Oh wait. 

I mean, first we get to hear that he doesn’t need “connections” in France and then it turns out he has political problems with the French, and now he claims that he can’t use the “Asian’s” (ew) connections even though he’s in desperate need of them. 

Whatever bro. Just die already.

Clarkson suggests that they send all the current girls away and Maxon gets to hand-pick out new random girls. Because misogyny? Kiera Cass sure loves it! Clarkson mentions a “French girl” (Daphne was it? I can’t remember) and America ... Well, she’s America:

I lowered my eyes. Maxon had never mentioned a French girl.

It genuinely felt as if someone took a chisel and chipped a crack in my heart.

HE HAD OTHER GIRLFRIENDS?!?!?!? EVEN THOUGH HE TOLD ME OVER AND OVER THAT HE’S NEVER FELT LOVE BEFORE AND THAT I WAS HIS FIRST?!?!?!?!?!?!??! I WILL BELIEVE CLARKSON’S OBVIOUS ATTEMPTS AT MANIPULATION, EVEN WHEN KNOWING HE HATES ME, OVER THE WORDS OF THE MAN I SUPPOSEDLY LOVE!

Hey, Kiera? Your characters are shit and I hate them.

Maxon seems to be struggling to make a decision. I ... don’t understand why Clarkson doesn’t just ... decide for him? He IS the king. Idk, Kiera Logic, I guess.

“Either way, you should ask yourself if that,” [Clarkson] said, pointing to me again, “is someone you could really spend your life with. Dramatic, selfish, money hungry, and, to be quite honest, very plain. Look at her, son.”

But we all know she’s gorgeous, so this is only there to show how EVIL the king is.

I do love his epic burn though. You know you’re in trouble when the antagonist we’re all supposed to hate has a point about your main character being a selfish twat. 

“I’ll give you a few days. For now there’s the press to deal with. Amberly.”

The queen scurried over, placing her arm through the king’s, leaving us alone and speechless.

FEMINISM.

America leaves to angst. She thinks about the consequences of her actions for five seconds before going back to the things that really matter:

And as frivolous as it was when I considered everything else going on, I couldn’t stop thinking about this French girl. Why hadn’t Maxon mentioned her? Was she here a lot? Why would he keep her a secret?

At least she acknowledges it’s frivolous, I guess. Progress?

The other girls come in to keep her company. 

Kriss giggled. “None of us is an Amberly, are we?”

“I like shocking people too much,” Celeste said with a smile.

“And I’d rather hide than do half the things she has to.” Elise ducked her head.

“I’m too wild.” I shrugged my shoulders, embracing my faults.

“I’ll never have her confidence,” Kriss mourned.

EMBRACING MY FAULTS. I’M GONNA PISS.

KIERA CASS, YOU CAN’T FRAME THIS AS A FLAW WHEN EVERY BOOK HAS GLORIFIED AMERICA’S “WILD” (pff) NATURE. AND SHE SAYS “FAULTS” BUT MENTIONS ONE THING THAT ISN’T EVER FRAMED AS A FAULT BUT AS A QUIRKY GOOD THING THAT EVERYONE ELSE JUST DOESN’T UNDERSTAND!

STOP BEING SO CHEAP AND TRANSPARENT, HOLY SHIT.

Kiera Cass is so American and such a Good Christian™ that she considers AMERICA to be “wild”. I’m gonna fucking cry holy shit??

Celeste apologizes for all the shitty things she did. This honestly is a refreshing scene that FINALLY shows the solidarity that supposedly exists between these girls. Too bad Kiera will still kill Celeste for being a dirty slut. 

Celeste had apparently put bleach in Elise’s shampoo.

Elise nodded. “I missed a morning in the Women’s Room so my maids could dye it back.” She turned from me to Celeste. “I knew it was you,” she confessed calmly.

Celeste hung her head, absolutely mortified. “You didn’t speak, you barely did anything. In my eyes, you were the easiest target, and I was shocked you never broke.”

WHY IS ELISE NOT PICKED YET!!!! SHE’S FUCKING AMAZING HOLY SHIT?!?!?! America would throw a shitfit if this happened to her!

“I would never dishonor my family by quitting,” Elise said. I loved her conviction, even if I didn’t completely understand it.

Why does this feel vaguely racist?

“All the same, I don’t think he wants me. Even if he did,” [Celeste] added, pulling her hands from mine to tidy up her eye makeup, “someone recently reminded me that I don’t need a man to get what I want out of life.”

Your attempts at feminism are pathetic, Kiera. Especially when the person who “reminded” her of this can’t survive without a man.

Elise didn’t waver, staring Celeste down. I braced myself for her vicious words now that Celeste was finally at her mercy.

“I could tell him. America and Kriss would be my witnesses, and Maxon would have to send you home.”

MY GIRL ELISE. DO IT! BE A POLITICIAN DAMMIT! SINCE NOBODY ELSE IN THIS BOOK KNOWS WHAT IT IS, YOU’D FUCKING RULE THE WORLD!

“It’s always on my mind,” Elise confessed. “I have to hold on to it however I can, especially since I’ll be an embarrassment to my family if I don’t win.”

“How is it your fault if he’s the one doing the choosing?” Kriss asked, shifting her weight and settling back in. “How would that make you an embarrassment?”

Elise turned in more, moving from one worry to another. “Because of the arranged-marriage thing. The best girls get the best men and vice versa. Maxon is the height of perfection. If I lose, it means that I wasn’t good enough. My family won’t think about the feelings behind his choice, which is what I’m sure he’ll judge by. They’ll look at it logically. My breeding, my talents—I was raised to be worthy of the best, so if I’m not, then who will have me when I leave?”

Again, this feels racist? No? Just me?

They talk about stuff and it’s all summarized and America talks about how great it is, bla bla bla.

Celeste had been raised to be a specific kind of pretty. That beauty depended on covering things up, shifting the light, and seeking to be perfect at all times. But there is a different kind of beauty that comes with humility and honesty, and she was glowing with it now.

Yeah. You hear that, girls? BE HUMBLE OR BE A NASTY FAKE BITCH. Nice Christian™ values shoved down your throat by our very own misogynistic trash can Kiera Cass. 

Maxon sneaks in and Elise addresses him as “Your Majesty”, which is a shame, since she’s the most politically savvy person in here. It’s “Your Highness”, because he’s a prince. Only his parents are “Majesties”

“Ladies.” He nodded his head back at us. “I didn’t mean to interrupt. I think I just ruined something here.”

We looked at one another, and I felt sure I wasn’t the only one thinking, No, you made something really amazing.

FEMINISM. ALL THIS FEMALE FRIENDSHIP AND SOLIDARITY??? OBVIOUSLY THANKS TO A MAN!!!

Hey Kiera, why do you hate women so much? :))) Did they eat your dog?? STEAL your man???

The other girls leave so Maxon can have a special talk with America.

It’s all about how the people ADORE her (that’s the word used, yes), and how Clarkson’s TERRIFIED of her (that’s the expression used, yes) but can’t eliminate her because that would ... uh ... 

Anyway, America, because she’s proven time and time again that she has her priorities straight, asks Maxon about his French friend.

“Daphne is my friend. That’s all she ever could be. I spent my life waiting for you, for all of you. This was my chance to find a wife, and I’ve known that for as long as I can remember. Romantically, my interactions with Daphne were nonexistent. I’d never have thought to mention her name to you, and I’m certain the only reason Father did was to give you yet another opportunity to doubt yourself.”

I bit my lip. The king knew my weaknesses too well.

“I watch you do it, America. You compare yourself to my mother, to the other Elite, to a version of yourself you think you ought to be, and now you’re about to do the same thing with a person you didn’t know existed until a few hours ago.”

It was true. I was already wondering if she was prettier than me, smarter than me, and if she said Maxon’s name with a ridiculously flirtatious accent.

“America,” he said, cupping my face in his hand. “If she had mattered, I would have told you. The same way you would with me.”

My stomach turned.

If you think that Maxon will call off the engagement when he sees America hugging Aspen without even letting her explain herself and deciding to marry Kriss instead before changing his mind right at the end once his parents are dead, you’re completely right.

Oh. 

Spoilers, I guess. 

[makesureee]

1-150 plz ty~~

omg holy shit that’s a lot and i’m on adderall this will be fun omg yay

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?some bitch ass bitch who’s dead to me

2. Are you outgoing or shy?DEFINITELY shy

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?any three of my friends, whenever they happen to hit me up, my dog, and my fUTURE GIRLFRIEND WHERE ARE YOU

4. Are you easy to get along with?it depends how well you know me i suppose but i am generally kind, or at least i try to be

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?i do not like anyone so i just get drunk by myself

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?i reallyyyyy love masculine looking girls (could be short hair, shaved hair, tats, piercings, just an all around “gay” look, which is kinda funny for a straight guy XD) but i ALSO LOVE feminine girls fat girls skinny girls just…..GIRLSbut as far as finding people attractive even tho i’m straight boys can be hecka cute too and i typically find myself finding the more feminine looking bois cuteand as for anyone nonbinary or genderqueer it’s pretty much the same

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?no but boy i sure hope so

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?fuck heteronormativity but uh no one really. i don’t like anyone. if you mean literally in general then i’m waiting for my friend to hit me up so we can smoke XD

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?yeah but not for reasons you’d think

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?no fuckin idea

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?“well i also gotta head back to my house so you’re good” cause my friend needed some time to get weed and food before i head over

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?Sad Clown - Kate MicucciPick a suburb, find a culdesac - Amy Bruce Spaceshowstraight kids playing dress up - the official suckersGot High and Still Got No Friends - Shelf LifeOld Maid Cards - Kate Micucci

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?only if it’s someone i’m really really really comfortable with

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?nope. i believe in coincidence and probability

15. What good thing happened this summer?nothing honestly

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?fUCK to the NO

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?um…definitely?? without a doubt??? we’re so small we’re so small we could just instantaneously die any second bruh we’re dust in the breeze this question gave me another existential crisis i want a refund

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?lol no

19. Do you like bubble baths?i used to but now it’s just like……im hot and sweaty and can’t breathe why is the air so wet……

20. Do you like your neighbors?i don’t know my neighbors but i like them because their christmas lights are aesthetic and ONE OF MY NEIGHBORS just has like 20 FUCKIN DUCKS chilling in their front yard. they’re like 3 houses down across the street but if i leave my window open sometimes i can hear them having a good time

21. What are you bad habits?drug dependency/addictive tendencies

22. Where would you like to travel?i wanna go back to italy. spain would be nice. idk. like……the earth has so many places…..

23. Do you have trust issues?nah i’m very forgiving and it sucks

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?drugs!

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?how in the world do i pick

26. What do you do when you wake up?roll a blunt…and smoke it

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?that question is complicated. i’m white, so ideally (in this corrupt awful world), it’s the most advantageous so i wouldn’t change as to have better opportunities and less judgement. however, hOLY SHIT ALL THE COLORS OF THE PEOPLE ARE SO COOL AND BEING WHITE LOOKS SO BOORRINGG so if we lived in a hypothetical world where every ethnicity was held at an equal standard yes a darker skin color would be cool

28. Who are you most comfortable around?nobody really. i’m not emotionally close to anyone right now

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?no but one relationship i ended and the other party did not want it to end

30. Do you ever want to get married?marriage doesn’t really matter to me. just a certificate. if it can help with taxes and whatever, sure, as long as i can remain the important parts of my independence. but imo i don’t even think that marriage should give people tax benefits but you take what good things the fucked up world gives ya

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail? LOL YES BUT I’D LOOK RIDICULOUS

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?michonne from the walking dead is super attractive and i can’t really think of anyone else but i probably would not have a threesome with celebrities that’s too much pressure

33. Spell your name with your chin.samkel (THAT WAS CLOSE)

34. Do you play sports? What sports?ew

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?TV but like does netflix count

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?not really i have this ability to not like people unless i’m almost certain they like me and terminate all feelings for a person if rejected. i mean like, i liked someone in high school once and dropped hardcore hints but never outright said it so killed my feelings and they actually told me recently that they used to have a crush on me too XDD funny ass shit

37. What do you say during awkward silences?“i’m gonna play some music”

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?cute funny stoner who loves and accepts me for who i am and supports me and helps me grow and does pills with me and loves all my new favorite music i show her and WITH LIKE A ONE IN BILLION CHANCE i’d like her to be shorter than me cause i’m really short and that’s really killer on my self esteem….but like….if we were both super short imagine how cute that’d be…..we’d be like ruby and sapphire….we’d get made fun of and be the smol couple but we would be smol together

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?my local headshops lolol

40. What do you want to do after high school?i’m already after high school but ultimately i want to be a glassblower and make bongs and shit

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?i don’t believe in blanket statements (lol that in itself is a blanket statement)

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?i’m awkward or anxious and don’t know what to say because i don’t know how to be a person

43. Do you smile at strangers?sometimes

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?NEITHER IF I AM NOT GUARANTEED TO SURVIVE but space even though i would still have massive panic attacks with that guarantee like i can’t even be on a road i don’t know by myself without having an anxiety attack

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?the hope that one day i’ll have something that makes me feel less empty

46. What are you paranoid about?holy shit EVERYTHING everyone hates me and i’m a disappointment to my parents and i’m super unattractive and everyone that sees me judges me and like these are straight up facts yo

47. Have you ever been high?i’m high right now

48. Have you ever been drunk?i’m drunk right now. just kidding on that one. i kinda used to be an alcoholic but i traded it in for pot lol. best decision ever. worst financial decision ever tho

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?i put 12 shucks of corn up my asshole

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?black. almost everything i wear is black when will i not act like im in high school

51. Ever wished you were someone else?only always

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?confidential

53. Favourite makeup brand?none i ent wear makeup

54. Favourite store?i’m not a shopping person so i’d again have to go with my local headshop

55. Favourite blog?i cannot choose

56. Favourite colour?black

57. Favourite food?also cannot choose

58. Last thing you ate?i have no idea i haven’t eaten today

59. First thing you ate this morning?i have no idea i literally have not eaten today

60. Ever won a competition? For what?you bitches better wATCH oUT cause this guy got SECOND PLACE in his THIRD GRADE SCIENCE FAIR for a poster board about EVAPORATIONand eh i think i won an art show award or two in high school

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?no i never even skipped class in high school cause with attendance you get exemption rights from exams~ now that i’m in college i skip occasionally tho lol

62. Been arrested? For what?dear god no i’d have a panic attack so hard i think the cop would feel bad for me

63. Ever been in love?yep

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?ugh ew ok so like i was bi at the time and so was he (but i wasn’t into this guy at all) but so anyway it’s after school and we’re behind it with our friends and we start walking away and he pulls me aside and the friends keep walking and his face kept getting closer to mine and in my head i’m just like dude…..why you….getting closer….that’s close….what…..oh….okay. that’s. lips. okay. it was like a gross quick kiss and then like when we talked about it and i rejected him hE WENT AND TOLD ALL HIS FRIENDS THAT HE REJECTED ME. luckily a friend i used to have and/or fuck jumped in while i wasn’t present and defended me cause that’s some straight bullshit.

65. Are you hungry right now?nah i’m on adderall

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?eh nah only because it’s harder to form a bond. not that i have strong bonds with my irl friends but we communicate more and smoke together

67. Facebook or Twitter?neither

68. Twitter or Tumblr?tumblr

69. Are you watching tv right now?no

70. Names of your bestfriends?lexi is me only best friend but even we aren’t suuuper close anymore

71. Craving something? What?fulfillment and happiness and a girlfriend

72. What colour are your towels?green

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?bruh…….9 ok but 2 are for my dog when she isn’t sleeping next to me on my pillows

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?nah but i use my dog as a cuddle buddy. if she doesn’t wanna cuddle we just hold hands

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?i probably have a good bit lying around my room. idk maybe like 5-8 somewhere in a drawer or whatever

75. Favourite animal?cliche as fuck but like….dogs i love dogs i love themi illove them so much i lvoe dogs

76. What colour is your underwear?currently grey with black stripes lol

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?vanilla for sure

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?oreo!

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?black XD

80. What colour pants?BLACK

81. Favourite tv show?black. nah probably adventure time or rick and morty

82. Favourite movie?i don’t like movies that much

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?have seen neither

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?nope?

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?who

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?stoner turtle

87. First person you talked to today?my adderall buddy. she texted me like the second i woke up some how

88. Last person you talked to today?she literally just texted me as i was writing that out soooo

89. Name a person you hate?i aint no snitch

90. Name a person you love?lexi cause that’s positive

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?myself

92. In a fight with someone?never been, never want

93. How many sweatpants do you have?one

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?i had one but as of today i have THREE

95. Last movie you watched?suicide squad and it sucked but pretty colors tho

96. Favourite actress?ent got one

97. Favourite actor?nope

98. Do you tan a lot?not at all what is the sun

99. Have any pets?two! daisy and ko bear!

100. How are you feeling?i’m feeling okay. i’ll feel better cause now my friend hit me up but i’m rushing to finish this!

101. Do you type fast?YA DAMN RIGHT I DO I GOTTA FINISH THIS

102. Do you regret anything from your past?i regret like almost everything?

103. Can you spell well?the answer is no

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?nope

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?yep

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?yep

107. Have you ever been on a horse?ONCE WHEN I WAS LITTLE BUT I WANNA DO IT AGAIN but i’ve been on a camel does that count

108. What should you be doing?bagging my weed and leaving the house right now

109. Is something irritating you right now?myself as always

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?nope

111. Do you have trust issues?i trusted you not to repeat a question so maybe i do now

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?A STUPID ASS BITCH I REGRET IT SO MUCH i never cry in front of ANYONE before that it had been THREE YEARS since i cried in front of someone but i trust horrible people

113. What was your childhood nickname?sammy

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?yep. i was born in florida, live in georgia. been to a few other surrounding states but nowhere far other than abroad

115. Do you play the Wii?nah

116. Are you listening to music right now?nah the album ended

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?i don’t like soup

118. Do you like Chinese food?not really i wanna eat normal food with chopsticks tho

119. Favourite book?ew

120. Are you afraid of the dark?nah but i still get the creeps

121. Are you mean?some people seem to think so. i think so a lot of the time.

122. Is cheating ever okay?yes. i don’t do blanket statements

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?dear god no i avoid super messes but pretty much do whatever

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?fuck no

125. Do you believe in true love?i believe that love can be true but i do not believe that one single individual is your “soul mate” or “perfect match” or whatever. there are potentially thousands of people that you could fall madly in love with and it’s just probability and coincidence that allow you to collide with them

126. Are you currently bored?with my life yeah

127. What makes you happy?drugs and friends and dogs

128. Would you change your name?i have and it’s awesome now

129. What your zodiac sign?taurus

130. Do you like subway?never ridden one

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?heteronormative again and i don’t have a best friend but the only two female friends i have i would not have sex with, although me and one of them make cute jokes about dating and romance all the time

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?BRUH STOP REPEATING

133. Favourite lyrics right now?“you tell me all the reasons you hate meand it feels like you’re listing off the symptoms of a borderline personalityand I know I am not tetheredto all the behaviors or the thoughtsI know one day I could rise above it allbut for now my illness makes people think I really suckand I guess for a couple more years I need to suck it up”- Don’t Blame Yourself by Human Kitten

i relate hella cause i’m pretty sure i have bpd and i can’t afford health insurance so i’m just kinda here

134. Can you count to one million?fuck no

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?i never remember shit. that’s seriously not a lie i don’t remember

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?my door is always closed unless i’m home alone but eVEN THEN it’s closed if i’m sleeping

137. How tall are you?ew 5′2

138. Curly or Straight hair?mine? straight

139. Brunette or Blonde?brunette

140. Summer or Winter?winter

141. Night or Day?both or in between

142. Favourite month?october or december. i like the october vibe but like the december $$$$$

143. Are you a vegetarian?nooope

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?milk

145. Tea or Coffee?green tea with mint please!

146. Was today a good day?it was not terrible. first day of the new quarter. worked my ass off but made some money. aboutta go smoke. it’s been alright

147. Mars or Snickers?neither

148. What’s your favourite quote?too many good quotes

149. Do you believe in ghosts?nope i believe in science and facts homie g

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?“While some people will argue that this (A) may not exist or (B) is certainly not part of our physical forms, I’m going to go ahead and boldly state that consciousness (at the very least) is an irrefutable part of the human experience.” no shit that was Hannah Hart’s My Drunk Kitchen