#like you wont ever hate yourself into a better life or place

[depvotee]

Ngl lie dog but if you accept a self hating trans that clearly is hating on other trans people idk man, maybe you should ban her 💞

[lesservillain]

eddie munson x best friend!reader

summary: a previous request I had to write eddie and a weird girl!reader. edited just a tad for better flow.

cw: none

Eddie watched as you picked up another rock, examining it carefully in your hand before tossing it towards the lake. The two of you had been out here at Lover’s Lake for close to 2 hours now, skipping the rest of the school day after you'd asked him to bring you here during lunch.

The boys laughed at him for how easy it was for you to get him to do anything. But Eddie only gave them the finger as he trailed behind you out of the school. You never asked him for much, so who was he to deny you?

You and Eddie had known each other since he moved to the trailer park to live with Wayne. The two of you fell in and out of friendship over the years as you both went through the motions of life that got you to where you were today.

Sometimes you two were inseparable, and other times you kept to yourself. Choosing to be alone for weeks or months on end until you would knock on his trailer door like you'd just seen him yesterday. Many deemed you weird for your antisocial behaviors, including your own mother. But, Eddie knew you would come back around eventually, and he always welcomed you back with open arms.

With his legs dangling out the back door of his van, he brought a newly lit cigarette in his mouth to chase the joint he had just finished as he watched you do…whatever thing you needed to get out of your system today. He should have known you were going to want to spend the day outside with the overcast that had been looming. You hated the heat from the sun, preferring the shield of the clouds to cover you while you look for different bug or flowers or whatever you deemed worthy to be picked from the ground. 

“Oh, Eddie!” Your excited voice had him jolting straight up, greeted by the site of your bright smile before him. “Look! This one’s got a fossil in it!”

Eddie opens his hand for you to place the rock in it. Your discovery stays hidden until you pull your hand away from his. And, sure as shit, there’s a print of some old ass plant or something on the side of the little rock. 

“Woah, that's fucking cool,” he says, matching your energy for your find. He hands it back to you and you hold it in both hands, face beaming at your discovery. Eddie likes it when you get like this. The pure, unadulterated bliss that beams from you feels like it could cheer him up on his deathbed.

But after a moment, your expression falters. A crack in the joy of the moment that Eddie clocks right away. 

“What?” He asks, looking at you even though he knows you wont give him eye contact back. 

“Eddie, why do you hang out with me?”

Eddie reels back. It’s not the first time you’ve dropped heavy questions on him before, but he wasn’t expecting you to hit him with that one. 

It was one he wasn't sure how to answer. Mostly because the answer was complicated.

Why was he your friend? Why did he like having you around? Why did it kill him when you distance yourself from him?

Okay, maybe the answer wasn't really that complicated. Rather, admitting it was. 

Because the truth is that Eddie is completely head over heels for you.

Ever since he’s known you he knew you were it for him. You never thought that he was a freak for having a dead mom and a jail bird dad. Never judged him for being poor even for trailer park standards. Certainly never made any remarks about his music tastes.

He hadn't always been subtle about his feelings, telling you when you were younger that he would marry you someday. He still gets a kick when he thinks about the way your nose scrunched up at the suggestion.

He would pester you any chance he could, and Wayne had to tell him to not be so forward or else he was going to scare you off. Little did Wayne know that it would take a hell of a lot more than Eddie’s strong personally to push you away. He eventually realized how well you could meet Eddie’s energy, calling the two of you a match made for trouble.

Because Eddie loves when you would barge into his room without knocking to show him a painting you’ve finished. Or when you would tap on his window at 3 am because you couldn’t sleep, knowing he was probably still awake too.

He loved when you would join the Hellfire Club at lunch, telling Grant to move so you could sit next to Eddie’s spot at the end of the table. He loved that you wanted to be around him, and he wanted to be around you just as much. 

“Because we’re friends,” he says casually. Your eyes lift to meet his. He can’t tell you how he feels. He can’t risk giving you a reason to run away from him. “It’s been like, what, 10 years now since we started hanging out? Why do you want to know now?”

Your eyes shift down, avoiding eye contact with him once again. You must be worried about something he thinks. He wishes he could read minds just to see what you’re thinking. 

“I was just wondering," you say in a tone that tells Eddie you were not just wondering. "Don’t want you to think you’re obligated to hang out with me or anything.”

“What?” He shakes his head incredulously, laughing at the absurdity of your assumption. “I don’t feel obligated. I like hanging out with you. Promise.”

He sticks his pinky out for you to twist with yours, something you’ve been doing since he pinky-promised to be your friend when the other kids said you were too weird. 

But you don’t accept it, crossing your arms over your chest and curling in on yourself. Your boot shifts as you nervously roll a rock under your heel. It’s quiet for a moment, and Eddie drops his hand slowly, not liking the way the air is shifting around the two of you.

Something feels off. Final. 

“I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to hang out anymore, Eddie,” you say matter of factually.

Forced. He can tell you’re putting on a front, like the one you put on for your mom. He wonders if she’s got something to do with this. 

Eddie’s throat feels dry, breathing in through his nose to keep himself together. 

“I don’t know why you would think that. Did I do something—”

“No,” you cut him off, looking at him in the eyes for a few seconds before averting your gaze again. “It’s not you Eddie. I just…”

Eddie stares at you with his big brown eyes hoping you’ll give him something, anything to try and fix whatever has you feeling this way. 

“Don’t you want a girlfriend?”

Well that was the last thing he expected you to say. 

“I’m sorry, what?” He blinks up at you, confused at where this conversation is going. You take a sharp breath through your nose, and huff, brows pinching as you become visibly upset. 

“Well you and Jeff and Gareth were talking about how hot the cheerleaders uniforms are, and — and you said that if you had a chance you’d like to see what's under their skirts—“

“Okay, hold on, I didn’t say that,” he says defensively, but you give him a look that makes him back track. “Or, even if I did, I only said it because it was Gareth and Jeff. I didn’t really mean it.”

“I’m not mad that you said it, Eddie. I just," you breath in, a slight hitch in your throat as you do. "…I hear what those girls say about me…about us and…I just feel like…I—I,” you sniffle, “I don’t want to be the reason you can’t get a girlfriend.”

Eddie tries so, so hard not to laugh. Like, he’s really trying to hold it in because you’re clearly very upset. But he can’t suppress wide grin that slowly creeps across his face.

“Sweetheart,” he finally says, “You don’t really think that do you?”

Your only response is a silent nod and Eddie’s heart only grows more for you. 

“Trust me, you’re not why I don’t have a girlfriend,” he says with a tone of self-deprecation. It’s not the full truth, because technically you are the reason, just not in the way you think. “Those cheerleaders wouldn’t want me whether you’re around me or not. And it’s not like there’s a line of girls dying to date me or whatever.”

He twists his rings around his fingers, waiting for your response. When he looks up, you’re looking at him like he’s got three heads.

“What?” He laughs. 

“Are you joking?” You ask him very seriously.

“Joking about what…?”

“That you don’t have girls trying to, you know, get with you…”

“Oh, no, definitely not.” 

A smile finally cracks on your face at his words, and an immediate relief washes over him. The tension in your body visibly washes away and you take a step closer to him. 

“Okay,” you say with a soft smile. 

“Can I ask why you’re so worried about me getting a girlfriend anyway?”

“Well, my mom said—“

He raises his hand, stopping you mid sentence, “That’s all I needed to hear.”

It warms his heart when you laugh, melting all the worries away. Though, he still can’t help feeling like he could lose you forever at any given moment. It would gut him if you really did decide that he couldn’t be in your life anymore. He already gets sick at the thought of you meeting someone else, someone other than him, and moving on to leave him in the dust. 

“Why do you hang out with me?”

He likes the way your eyebrows shoot up when he turns your question back on you. He thinks that he’s got you just as flustered as you had him, but you look at him with a shake of the head as you speak very matter of factly. 

“Because I love you.”

Eddie has to catch himself before he can get too excited. This is you that he’s dealing with here. And you could mean that in so many ways; as a friend, a brother, a lover.  And, god, did he hope you mean the ladder. 

“Love me how?” He asks carefully, trying his best not to sound to excited. 

“Like…well, sometimes, when you do stuff that’s, like, really cute or makes me happy, I just want to—“ You bring your hands to his face, something you’ve done many times over the years when he’s going on about D&D or music or even just when he’s reading. He always assumed it was your way of expressing that he was being a bother or overstimulating you, so he would usually stop or change the subject. “—just grab you and kiss you.”

Eddie knows his face has to be as red as a tomato. His heart is going a million miles a minute and he can barely keep his breathing steady. 

Holy shit is this happening?

“You want to kiss me?” 

You nod, “Yeah, like, a lot.”

“Why haven’t you?”

Your eyes practically bug out of your head, dumbstruck at his words. 

“I can do that?”

“Please?” It comes out breathy, meant to be a joke, but almost as a beg.

And so you do. Your soft, mint chapstick covered lips hastily meet his, head tilted ever so slightly so your noses don’t bump as if you’ve done this before. Have you done this before? Certainly not with him. It makes his blood boil thinking that someone other than him has ever gotten a chance to do this with you.

The feeling of your fingers gliding across his scalp, nails skimming in a way that sends goosebumps down his arms. He takes the opportunity to bring his own hands to your hips, pulling you closer to him to deepen the kiss. 

When you finally pull away, Eddie leans in to chase after you. And when he finally opens his eyes, he feels sick—lovesick at the sight of your pleased smile. The way you’re looking at him with a sparkle in your eye makes him feel like he could do anything. 

“Wow,” you say between the two of you. 

“Likewise,” he says with an airy chuckle. 

“Can I do it again?” You ask shyly. 

“Sweetheart, you can kiss me whenever you want,” he says dreamily. 

“Really?”

He hums in response, cut off with a hmph as your lips meet his again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

thank you for reading.

[wtchland]

Say It

Divider: @rookthornesartistry

Pairing: Joel Miller x Reader

Word Count: 2.4k

Summary: Teasing your dads best friend didn’t go exactly how you planned

Warning: no use of y/n, no description other than reader is a female, mentions of reader having two parents + giving them names, unprotected pv, mentions of reader being fertile, swearing, joel being bossy, spanking, pet names, age gap (20s + joel just being classified as old), nipple play, joel having no patience, reader teasing, joel teasing way worse, f!reciving

A/N: Pt2? Possibly some other characters are coming your way soon. I guess next time you better wear jeans

Hiding a relationship with your father’s best friend is single-handedly the hardest thing yoy both had to ever done in life.

Sunday dinners, sitting next to him pretending hes not holding your hand under the table. Him pretending like he’s not being tempted by you at pool parties.

Pretending like he doesn’t bend you over the next day he gets you alone and repays you tenfold. Pretending like the anticipation doesn’t kill him to the point where he has to relieve himself every night to the thought of you instead of using you.

Tonight was no different except you were feeling a little more bold. It was officially 5 months of your secret relationship. 5 months of secret dating and joining him on store runs just to screw in the backseat You were wearing a casual short red dress.

Joels favorite short red dress. No one but Joel knew about this intresting milestone in your relationship. No one but joel knew why you were out of your usual jeans and a shirt attire. No one but Joel knew your plans after dinner.

You park your car outside of your parents house. Right behind Joel. You grab your phone and pie before going up to the door knocking on it.

Your dad answered the door with a raised eyebrow “Well aren’t you fancy tonight.” You smile. “Its just a dress nothing special. Wrong its extremely special. Just not to your father’s knowledge.

You walk inside to the kitchen where Joel stood leaning on the counter drinking a beer and talking to your mother. When you walk in they both look up at you. Your mom immediately walks over taking the pie “Your dressed up for dinner”

Your dad comes behind you to join joel on the counter “Thats what I said” You pour yourself wine repeating your lie of the night “Its just a simple dress. I’m going out for dessert later with someone.”

Your dad raises a eyebrow surprised “Really? With who?” You shrug pretending to be indifferent “Just a guy from a dating app. It’s our first date hes taking me for drinks and dessert. Nothing special”

Joel rolls his eyes. You grin and lean on the counter drinking your wine. “Something on your mind Joely”

He hated that nickname. He thought it was stupid and you thought it was funny. Joel took a swing from his beer. Both your parents eyes on him. “nothing besides the fact that you said the last guy was special and yet you still came home crying over him”

Prick. You roll your eyes and shrug “Well maybe this guy wont be a utter dickhead.”

Your dad snicked before your mom smacked your arm gently “Both of you set the table.” Joel grinned and grabbed the dishes while you grabbed the silverware. Joel followed behinf you to the dining room.

You felt his eyes on you. More so your your ass. You set the silverware at each seat while joel slides the door closed behind him and follow behind him. “that is a pretty fancy dress”

You roll your eyes “Well my date likes it” Joels hot on your ass. His breath on your exposed back. “i thought you said it was your first date” You shrugged “I let him pick my clothes”

You set the last fork down and Joel places the plate right next to it and then pins you between him and the table leaning down whispering in your ear. “you think im a dickhead”

No. You nod your head yes. Liar.

Its almost like Joel could read your mind because hd whispered exactly what you were thinking. “Liar.”

He whispered in your ear again “Did you miss me this week” Yes. You shake your head. His hand quickly covered your mouth and he bent you over the table hitting your ass. You yelped in his hand. His voice was low. It only ever got that low when he was fucking you. Not making love. Fucking the shit out of you.

“lie to me again and you’re getting bent over my lap with your parents in the other room.

He hated when you lied about your feelings for him. Even if it wasn’t a joke he never played about feelings. You didn’t know why you just knew not to fuck around like you found out last time.

Joel whispered in your ear again “I’m gonna ask you again and this time you’re gonna tell me what i wanna hear. Understand”

You also knew when the word understand was at the end of a sentence you were supposed to use your words.

“Yes”

Joel let up and fixed your dress and turned you back around to face him. “I haven’t had the chance to tell you how much I like that dress, have I?”

You shook your head and Joel just grinned. “I’ll tell you later.”

He walked out leaving you to roll your eyes feeling the warmth begin to pool between your legs. Of course he had to get you riled up before dinner.

During dinner you sat next to Joel. Which for 10 minutes straight consisted of him reaching up your thigh to feel you up, you elbowing him and him pinching your thigh.

Trying to continue a conversation with your parents while Joel is doing nothing but contributing to your wetness wasn’t even the rough part.

It was him asking you questions about your date like it wasn’t him. It was him distracting you so he could feel the pool of wetness between your legs. It was you choking on your wine and excusing yourself to the bathroom.

Joel followed you as your parents looked concerned when you left. Joel let himself into the bathroom behind you. The bathroom you grew up using. The green and black accented bathroom.

You looked at him from the mirror wiping between your boobs. Joel had his stupid smirk across his face as he shut the door behind him and press you against the sink.

You toss the towel into the sink. “Joel quit.” He ignored you pulling up your dress not once losing eye contact “Say yes and i will give you what you want.”

Say yes and he will make you cum while your parents are downstairs. Say yes and you could get caught. You’re too paranoid. Say yes and he will stop torturing you. Say yes.

“Yes”

In a swift movement Joel had you on the sink. He pulled down the offending panties and had you writhing and moaning. Two fingers thrusting in and out of you and one hand holding your dress up.

You gripped the sink spreading your legs wider. Wanting more. Wanting his dick. Needing it. Wanting more than some flimsy fingers. Fingers that feels good but not enough. Not enough for you.

Then theres a knock on your bedroom door. You don’t understand how joel is quick at everything he does but he is. Hes good at fixing your clothes before you even notice. Fixing himself and opening the door before you even process it all.

The rest of dinner Joel was hands free. By the time it was over he was over the dessert reservation and he just wanted to get you into his bed and fuck the shit out of you till the next day.

It was a race between your Genesis and his Chevy. Of course you won. You always win, especially since you purposely blocked him in the driveway.

By the time Joel got to the restaurant you were already waiting to be seated. You didn't notice him come in behind other people but his arms and fake smile gave his mood away. You knew that dessert would end early.

You and Joel sat in a both right across from eachother. You slid off one of your sandals to lay your leg in his lap. Joel smacked your foot and leaned on the table “Do you know what i plan on doing to you”

You shrugged pretending to be oblivious then you rubbed your foot across his crotch. You could see his composure melting. His self control losing.

Joel grabbed your foot again this time he rubbed your ankle roughly. His voice low and smooth, enough to make you wet again. Enough for these panties to be considered a date night souvenir.

“As soon as we get in the garage you’re gonna march your ass to the bathroom. You’re gonna neatly put your clothes in the basket, you’re gonna put your hair up, you’re going to put your panties neatly on the dresser, and then you’re gonna get in bed and wait for me. And everything you do wrong is going to result in a spank got it?”

The waitress comes to your table and Joel gently lets go off your foot and sit up. Your belly pooled in anticipation. Wondering what would come, you sort of knew. You only pushed him far once before. And that was the longest night of your life. He was relentless.

When you got back to Joels house you put your leftover lava cake in the kitchen on the counter then head straight to his room.

For your relationship to be a secret there were hints of you all over Joels room. You’re clips on his bathroom counter. Your clothes mixed with his in the drawer, your favorite shampoo and conditioner. Your clothes scattered around his bedroom floor. Joel hated when you left your shit on the floor but he let you. Though tonight you had to do everything he said to the T.

You put your clothes neatly in the black laundry basket, neatly put your soaked white lace panties on the dresser and laid on the bed.

You wondered if you should pose. That would be too awkward. Too weird. What was he going to do? Whats taking him so long.

Joel comes into the bedroom hanging his flannel in the closet. He’s silent, but deadly. Definitely deadly. Then Joels belt follows, boots, jeans.

Fuck.

He pulls you by your legs to the end of the bed. “5 times you tried me tonight. That’s record for you.”

He flipped you over on your stomach. “For someone who barely talked tonight you sure do know how to test me.”

Joel sat down on the bed and laid you out over his lap. “Count.” One word. One word is what officially started your adventure.

Smack “One.” Smack “Two” Smack “Three”

10 blows on the ass. And then right after he kissed you roughly. His hands gripping and grabbing your ass.

You tangled your fingers in the back of his hair pushing yourself closer and whimpered against his lips “Please”

Joel pulls backs staring at the needy gaze in your eyes before repeating your least favorite words “Say it”

You hold back your huff and murmur “Please Joel”

He lays you down on the bed taking a nipple between his fingers “Say it louder”

“Please”

Joel holds your legs up to your chest and bend between your legs. Two of his fingers slide in and out of your tight hole as he licks and slurps your clit.

It took joel less than ten minutes to make your cum. Coating his fingers. A magician is what he is in your mind. Joel brings his fingers to his mouth then yours. The sight of you licking his fingers clean is enough for him to quit teasing you.

Joels boxers were down in under a second and he was in your snatch in under 5. This is a night of setting records.

Joels hands pinched and rubbed your nipples as he pounded into you. Repeatedly. Mercilessly.

“Let me here you, make those pretty noises”

Your soft moans went up high immediately. His skin against yours. His balls hitting your ass as they tighten ready to spill inside you. Inside you without a condom. Inside your young 20 year old fertile pussy.

Joels ready for it. And in this moment you’re ready for whatever Joel gives you and you’re ready to take it happily. With a smile.

His hands find your throat and his lips find yours. His tongue dominating your mouth. His left hand squeezing your hip and his right twisting your nipple in all the right ways. All the right ways to make you cum. Your thighs start shaking under him. Joel pulls your leg up to wrap around him and he pulls away. Your lips pouting at the loss of his warm lips and tongue.

Joel whispers against you lips his warm sweet smelling whiskey breath. “You’re close aren’t you baby?”

You let out a incoherent whimper and a little nod yes as your eyes roll to the back of head. His fingers gently smack your nipple. Gently because it’s enough to make you squeeze his cock tighter. Enough for to squeeze your legs around him and enough for it to hurt at the same time.

“Say it.”

Say it. Can’t he stop making you say everything. You murmur against his lips “I’m close please let me cum”

Joel leaned down and kissed your rosy lips. “You gonna let me cum inside this pretty pussy? You want me to make you mine? Say it. Say you’re my dirty princess and you want it all.”

Say it. Joels seed. Joels seed. Cum. Cum. Cum. Think. Say it. Say it.

“I want it”

Joel thrusted one more hard time before you both went over edge. Before you came and he came harder. Flooding and invaded your womb. Invited.

Joel pulled out and walked to the bathroom. Suddenly its cold without his body. He should hurry back. Joel comes back with hot towel and wipe you down before dressing you in a gray band shirt and laying on the bed with you on his chest.

“You know you have to move in now right?” You look up at him “No i don’t” He smacked your ass gently. For a man who loves making you give consent he sure hates hearing no. “I’m not letting my pregnant girlfriend live alone”

You rolled your eyes yawning. “I’m not pregnant, you’re too old” Joel scoffed at the old comment “You’re definitely pregnant. And you better be nice to me because im the one that has to tell Misty and Dave that i defiled their precious sweet daughter.”

Shit.

[horrorshow]

Can you talk about why you think blocking and moving on is a bad thing? I thought it was a way to curate your space and avoid drama

idk maybe i'm too idealistic but fandom is a much more friendlier, welcoming, supportive, creative, engaging, active, diverse and interesting space when it's treated like a community where people are encouraged to participate and talk about their interests and where there's space for niche or more unpopular opinions without these people having to worry about being blocked and feel unwelcome by the majority of the fandom they are in. i can't stand how blocking everyone you disagree with has become the first thing to do.

you say its 'to curate your experience'. but blocking people does not only curate YOUR experience. you're also forcefully curating other users' experiences. and not for the better.

people say 'i will block you for literally anything' and then those same people wonder why engagement is down, why no one sends asks, why no one reblogs, why rarely anyone talks in the tags anymore and why this place feels so dead and boring and quiet. i wonder why!!!!

people treat real people as annoying ads they can dispose of at their whim. but that's not how a fandom or a site like tumblr works. (besides, if you really care about people curating their own experience you wouldn't block people. you can filter and blacklist and never see them again while still granting them the same freedom instead of actively making their experience worse.)

you say its to avoid drama. but seeing a post you dont agree with is not 'drama'. and blocking is not solving anything except for you personally. fandom was more fun when we remembered that every user is a real person you share a space with, and probably some mutuals as well, so you find a way to live with each other. starting with a restraining order seems a bit excessive and is not contributing to anything. it's not that hard to be respectful and tolerate others and acknowledge people have different opinions and interests and still co-exist in peace. its not that hard to be nice to people and try to find common ground with them and interact with the stuff you DO like. you do this in every aspect of your real life, so why not online?

i hear you say: 'but that requires WORK and i don't NEED to do any of that bc i can just block them'.

yeah, you can try to create your own bubble and only hang out with like minded people but you wont EVER fully achieve that (no matter how much you block, social media WILL keep feeding you posts you disagree with bc it makes them money). social media WILL pressure you into an 'us vs. them' mentality where you constantly feel like everything online is a threat or an argument you have to win and where being mean and unnuanced gives you the most notes and where you don't even see, let alone be able to treat, other users as people anymore bc you don't interact with them anymore other than to block or fight them. that's not how i want it to be online. it's not fun to me. and maybe i'm a pessimist but i think it will eventually be the death of online fandom and sites like tumblr. look at the state of twitter right now. DOES blocking give you a better experience in the long run? i doubt that it does. overall, i think it makes people even less tolerable and more vulnerable to hate and fear mongering, and social media an even more hostile place.

it's everything i hate about social media and everything i want to fight against and WILL fight against. i won't pretend my meager contribution will change anything, but i LIKE to just scroll past posts i don't vibe with and not see every argument online as a personal offense. it keeps me curious. most posts aren't that bad when you know the person behind it. i mean, you do you, i'm not gonna say what you should or shouldn't do bc that's up to you, but i recommend it: free yourself of the block button and bring back supportive user communities based on a shared love for the same thing and focus on what you have in common with people, just like you would do in real life. save the block button for the rotten apples who DO keep trying to pick fights and exclude others.

(which is, now that i think about it, probably the main difference: most people see the block button as a neutral way to prevent worse. but. that's only the case on an individual level. and treating everything online as an individual choice to which there are no further consequences, especially if they happen on a larger scale, is already a loss.)

[hubristicassholefight]

Swordswoman Showdown Round 3

Malenia (Elden Ring) vs Xena (Xena: Warrior Princess)

(Better here in a "preferred character" sense, not "who would win in a fight")

Propaganda below cut

Malenia

She is arguably the hardest boss in any Fromsoft game.; She is the favorited boss of Animal from the Muppets.

"Arguably" the hardest boss in any fromsoft game? You don't even know. She is OBJECTIVELY the hardest boss in any fromsoft game. On march 1st 2023, a bit more than a full year since the game's release, From Software released the stats on the amount of attempts each boss took for the players collectively. As of march 1st 2023 Malenia has killed the players 329.000.000 times. That's 10 Tarnished every second. That's almost the entire population of the United States. Malenia is also an optional boss in a secluded area hidden away from everyone. According to PlayStation trophy statistics, only 37.9% of people who ever bought the game managed to even REACH Malenia in the first place. Which means among those 329.000.000 people she has obliterated were only the most dedicated of Fromsoft fans. Only 33.3% of people even managed to beat her. That number also includes everyone who beat her with summons, which makes her significantly easier. This means out of all people who bought the game on PlayStation 4 or 5 and reached Malenia which is about 3 million people, 377.000 just fucking dropped her, they didn't even do it with summons. Difficulty aside. Malenia is also extremely pretty and has the softest lips, her Goddess form looks like a painting. She fights with elegance and style unrivalled by any boss in the game, dancing through the battlefield with deadly, fluid motions. Malenia is also 256cm or 8'4" tall. Huge woman.

post let me solo her

#malenia is 8'4“ flat chested and broad shouldered#she kills you with incredible grace and poise#trans icon#id let her Waterfowl Dance on me and Infect Me with her Scarlet Rot...

#malenia is so dedicated to the sword it mends her failing body. she lives by fighting#her strongest attack is a technique that halts the progress of her terminal illness#i can never stop thinking about that. by all means she couldve rotted into a mile of mush before the game started#but she persists!! she persists!!!

#malenia blade of 15 layers of contradictory goals and personality traits summed up in like twelve total lines of dialogue#she's a stupidly good character but shes also a woman who did horrible things in a game with a deliberately vague narrative#so everyone just enters What A Bitch / Step On Me mode with her#as they are wont to do. the lowlives.#anyway what would happen if you hated yourself and successfully became someone who can do plenty of good#and yet the only way to live on and keep doing good would be to embrace the self who causes so much pain#but there's nothing left. so you wait and you rot and you keep telling yourself that you're still the self you love#and then you have to do it again. and now your conflictual agony is over because clearly you lost yourself long ago#and you look up knowing that you're the danger you've always feared you were. and you smile#and turn john eldenring into filet in 2 seconds flat

Xena

Warrior Princess

She wields a sword and chakram. Just had to submit a biconic swordswoman.

i love her. she made me gay as a kid. Anyway, her weapon of choice is her sword, she is obviously very good with it

#unfortunately i have to choose and i have to choose xena#a) utena had no warcry. b) xena fought gods. c) xena has kickass goofy comic book combat which is my favorite

xena didn’t just fight gods. she fucked up a girl’s life so bad that she (calisto) devoted her entire being to destroying everything that xena loved that ended up with calisto becoming a god in order to destroy xena, which didnt work because xena entombed her in lava. and then when xena and gabrielle encountered calisto in the (christian) afterlife (different from the greek one which they also fought her in), calisto dragged gabrielle to hell so xena became an archangel in order to save gabrielle and then sacrificed herself in order to undo all the harm that she did in calisto’s life and then when not!jesus (played by timothy omundson) revives xena and gabrielle, calisto impregnates xena with the reincarnation of calisto’s soul in order to end the cycle of hate. xena doesnt just fight gods. she creates and destroys them

#this isnt even mentioning her fighting julius ceasar several times#telling brutus that caesar is not his friend#xena and gabrielle’s souls reincarnating across centuries in order to kick ass and fall in love all over again#or the time xena became a god but tbh that ep is kinda ‘uhhhhh…..’ even if they did hire a consultant for it

#I think everyone here knows to vote for Xena. I think a couple people here might have some propaganda for Xena saved already#everyone remember that Xena/Gabrielle is CANON and that's a pretty big deal also#(does anyone have that Xena Loves Trans People interview around because that would also make good propaganda)7:47 PM

[carnalhaus]

american tradition: forge of the cyclops

subscribe to the substack here.

It was rare that Sledge ever knew what he was crying about. He kept a mental checklist when he was sober enough. Enid’s red hair was growing back in. The cat rubbed on his leg. He realized he didn’t know how to braid. Now is one of those rare times where his pupils are the size they’re supposed to be, not too big or too small. Praline made a habit of checking. Speaking of which, there she was. 

The two of them are on the floor of the kitchen. That’s to say, the kitchenette of the single-wide trailer they holed up in after the previous owner died. They shouldn’t have made a habit of it, but they did. Finding obituaries is getting pretty easy nowadays, thanks to the internet. The overhead light flickers, but they’re lucky the lights are still on in this place at all. They’re all very lucky people, because Sledge is lucky his crying isn’t waking up the whole damn house. 

This time, he’s crying about guilt. He makes sure to catalogue that while he cries. That ugly thing that eats at his heart once a month, whenever the lights turn low and the girls count sheep. Truth be told, he’s the only one who thinks about those years anymore. Praline is always too busy asking what’s for dinner, and Enid only cares about sneaking the smokes from his jean pockets. They whine and laugh just like they always did, kicking the back of his seat in the car and flinging food at him while Stat goes to grab another beer. The world has moved on without him, and he’s still there, bowing and scraping in the mud for forgiveness. 

Most people say you should feel guilty for the rest of your life. Some people say it’s more selfish to keep groveling after you’re already forgiven.

Maso-fucking-chistic. 

Sledge is doing some stupid babbling like usual when he cries. Same old wash and rinse of ‘I love you and I’m sorry’ that went on for an hour at a time every full moon. Praline was never very savvy on human connection, so her face is contorted into an angry frown, the closest thing to sadness and concern she can muster. She looks pissed, even through the blur of his tears. The dull acrylics digging into his shoulders aren’t helping much. 

She presses her forehead to his, clumsy and rough like she’s trying to give him a concussion, and through his tears she’s now a cyclops. Two eyes fashioned into one big watery mirror. He can barely see his reflection, the curve of his sunken cheekbones blacked out in ink. The untamed hair on the nape of his neck is tangled in her fist, holding him there like she’s got a handle on some mustang’s mane. And just like one, he’s wild and afraid. Whale-eyed. 

“I am the only thing you care about,” she says it like a mantra, and in a way it’s true. “So quit it. Quit killing yourself because you think I should be doing it for you. You are so self-fucking-righteous.” 

It feels like she’s talking him off a ledge. He knows better than anyone else that a curse from her mouth is a beg and a plead. Gone and did it again, he did. Spooked so bad she’s trying to tug on his lead rope and control his head. That’s all she knows how to do. Control, control, control. Praline’s scared, even if she wont admit it. She’s holding her breath.

His hand can’t reach her neck to feel her pulse and he’s not sure he wants it to. He doesn’t want to risk scraping her collarbone or her shoulder, those were the worst parts. The ones he had the worst memories of having to hold so hard he thought they’d crumble. So he reaches up to feel it on her wrist, wrapping around the bones and feeling over the veins. Touching her feels too similar to pulling apart a warm rotisserie chicken. Really, it does. Bones and all. That’s why he always hated it, ever since he met her. He has to hold back some bile.

“Screw your head back on,” she says. It’s through her teeth, eyes wide, and her head presses harder into his. Sledge is gonna have a headache later, whether it’s from all the crying or Praline trying to give him the iron claw. He can’t blame her. He’s being fucking annoying and being rough is all she knows. He counts the beats from her radial artery, blood rushing in his ears to drown everything else out. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, zero, zero, nine, nine, zero, nine, nine, zero, nine, nine.

“I’m screwed,” he finally chokes out. Dumb, but he says it, and he finally gasps in a shaky breath. For a second, she doesn’t believe him. Nobody really would. But that pressure eases off his cranium and her claws snake out of his hair. He’s breathing alright, a little hiccup here and there, but it usually doesn’t get any better than that anyway. Praline sits back on her knees, and Sledge stays hunched over with awkward limbs like some marionette. Feels like he just got punched in the nose, pain radiating from his forehead down to his eye sockets. 

It’s only now that he sees the flakes of mascara under her eyes, the kind that said it was waterproof on the package when she picked it up. No longer a cyclops, just some girl sitting with him on the linoleum. She’s got her Betty Boop pajama pants on, seam busted at the thigh, inseams too short on her ankles, and it makes him wanna cry even harder seeing her look like such a kid. Sledge keeps a loose hand on her wrist and she lets him, holding her arm out like she’s waiting for an IV. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, zero, zero, nine, nine, zero, nine, nine, zero, nine, nine. 

“Don’t do that no more,” and her voice is a little more wobbly this time when she speaks to him. “I hate when you do that, when you go and cry. I don’t know what to do, Sledge.”

“You don’t have to do anything,” is the first thing that tumbles out of his mouth in a while, instinctual and pathetic. Sounded like the little bleat of a lamb, it did. Praline doesn’t like that answer, so her eyes harden up and she cocks her head into his line of vision. 

“You don’t have to do anything,” she repeats. The way she throws his words back in his face is probably the nicest slap she’ll ever give him, and it makes him choke out a little sob. “But you’re still here anyway, cause you don’t know when to fuckin’ quit, n’ maybe I don’t either.”

They go quiet after that. Not much else to say, and neither of them were ever very book smart. Lini got held back cause she couldn’t read a damn thing when she was real little. A few sniffles fill the prolonged silence, and he’s not sure how much time passes. Praline’s dull nails run over his forearm. Not gentle, not soothing, just tracing over the sharp curves of his tattoo like a toddler cutting with safety scissors. Bored and unpracticed. The time for being sentimental has passed. She scrunches up her nose and tugs at a few blonde arm hairs, and Sledge thinks it’s the Cain instinct when he wants to hit her in the jaw. Eventually he settles for smacking her hand away, and she does the same damn thing. Couple of idiots they were, always acting like they grew up in a chicken coop together. 

“Ice cream?” Is all Praline says. Sledge has to blink at her like an idiot a few times before it clicks in his brain. That’s what he always asks her about when she gets upset. Ever since her and Enid were younger, he’d always ask about some stupid ice cream when they’d cry, like it would fix everything. Maybe it did, if she’s asking now. 

They only had a half eaten pint, so she put a scoop each into two pebbled plastic cups they stole from a diner, and topped it off with some coke. A little warm still, they only popped the cans in the fridge an hour ago. Sledge took up residency on the couch and he watched her the whole time, cooing about how sweet she was and trying not cry again. He tells her she’s so fancy-schmancy making a coke float for him and she tells him to shut up cuz it’s gonna foam up if she can’t concentrate.

When she joins him on the couch, he puts his legs in her lap and she locks them in with her elbows. It’s times like these where he doesn’t feel like the oldest kid. Praline isn’t sixteen anymore. There’s no baby fat cushioning her sharp cheekbones, and she hasn’t gotten that stubborn pimple on her chin in years. But when he looks at her too long, he still sees a kid breaking her ankles in her mom’s clubbing heels.  Clumsy and unpracticed, like a baby deer learning how to walk. He’d seen her walk miles in those stupid shoes, though. Maybe she was getting older. 

Coke floats damn good. Not quite rootbeer, but this is how they did it in the good ol’ days. That’s what his father always said. Floats came from Philly, in his humble home state of Pennsylvania. He didn’t know what the hell his dad was talking about half the time with that Philly bullshit, cause he was from Pittsburgh. It’s dead quiet, and this is the point where he starts feeling embarrassed. How old is he now? Thirty, almost? But Praline doesn’t look twice at him. Doesn’t curl her lip or shrug him off. She’s too focused on licking the ice cream foam off her top lip. Speaking of which, she drank that thing quick. She burps and he knees her in the ribs, just enough to make her hit him on the shin. Like always, she gives him that laugh, something between a giggle and a snort. 

That bunny smile she gives him is refreshing, and it gives him the courage to crack one too. Endorphins were finally hitting, better than any heroin he tried. Usually that euphoria just ended with vomiting on her shirt. 

“Your face is gon’ get all puffed in the morning from bawling your damn eyes out,” she starts, and she’s already swinging his legs off of her lap to go scramble over to the freezer again. “Gotta ice it.”

Sledge doubts it’ll help, cause nothing she tries ever really does. But he lets her, and he can’t help but scrunch his face up and squeal a little from how cold it is. Like a girl, she says, and he tells her to stop being mean. That only does so much, cause then she drops the rest of the ice cube down the front of his shirt.

[ikihtoe]

love confession for mr. get your fucking chin up

҂. TAMAKI AMAJIKI : angst(?), self-hatred, gender neutral - they/them pronoun mention, this was actually based off a real life event a bit, not proofread, 0.6k words

a poor tamaki was spotted on the floor, heartbroken. now, how did that happen?

you and tamaki could be considered as close friends given how often you were found together, but in your little hearts, there's this feeling. an indescribable feeling, only perfectly found in love poems by well-known writers.

you were the first to confess your feelings towards him, there are chances he may and may not like you back. however, life is too short for what-ifs and you wanted to ease this feeling that's been building up

his elf ears faded into the color of roses almost scarlet. you? fell for him? he did hope for his wish to come true. however, he can't help but think how wrong it feels now.

he hated himself. there are times when he thinks he eats too much, moments he regretted wasting because he was too busy overthinking the what-ifs and maybe-if-is. maybe he thinks highly of himself, one time, but then it all comes back to self-hatred.

never he would think you would fall for him, he thought it was beyond impossible, he lost hope long ago.

he wonders why? how come? he was sure he didn't use some magic on you, so how did you fall for him?

as weeks passed he felt like you'd been treating him the same way before the confession, you didn't even talk to him after the confession. he wonders if you have unnoticeably liked him for a long time, or maybe you were over with liking him, or you found someone better than him. it would've been a relief to him if you did.

the thought didn't stay for long. tamaki slowly started submerging into this sharp feeling he's been getting whenever you're around him. not realizing what it is or why it is, without knowing you're still into him.

with tamaki's introverted nature, of course, he would most likely sit alone somewhere, he often looks uncomfortable if anyone would start talking to him so you assumed the same if you ever did so yourself. that made him think your confession was all a lie, but he never stopped imagining the conversations you'll both never have.

the man was curious. with all the bravery left in his heart that day he texted you.

this is a really weird question, but may i know why you like me? what made you feel that way?

no pressure!!

he just wanted to know for the sake of clarity, thereby he wont misjudge your action, your words, your confession. for sure he shivered in his pants when he got a reply 7 minutes later.

i dont have a reason

he finds it odd. surely everyone loves for a reason, so what was all that about?

you look like someone i know, i fell for them that time-

oh.

-and i saw them in you. but i came to realize you were different from them, in a good way. at first, i wanted to get to know you because of that sole reason, but as we get to know each other more I've grown fond of you, and i come to see them in you less and less, now i see you as you, as tamaki

i find you interesting

tamaki didn't know how to react, did you mean it in a good way? you stated that in the text but he thought you said it so your words wouldn't hurt him. all the possible things he could think of clouded his head as he sit silently at home.

i don't get it

hitting the send button he placed his phone on the nightstand and went fast asleep, head still swarmed with thoughts and leaving you on delivered.

I'm sorry if i made you uncomfortable, truth is i don't get it either

[princessdarerina]

Okay I am going to make this clear on my side I am not going to mom shame anyone. No mother is going to be perfect and every mom handles things differently and every state is different. I can only share my opinion which I am doing. One thing I will not tolerate is when another woman bashes another woman when they have flaws themselves. I don’t care if you respond to what is said about you that is your right but read the whole post next time and change the attitude before coming at me and Rose. Rose and I have no more hate or beef towards each other anymore it’s in the past and is staying in the past and we have been actually getting along better than we had before. I know I am not the most beautiful woman in the world but I know I am not fat. Right now, I am getting my life together. I am done dealing with drama, I am going to college to make a better life for my son and I and I am just bettering myself. If no one can be positive about shit stay away from me. I have no control over what anons say either. Want to blame anyone blame the anons. I just answer.

As for Makayla saying we are distressing you and it can hurt your pregnancy the law would look at you and say it’s your own fault for commenting and getting involved. Take some responsibility for your own actions for you getting involved when you could have simply ignored it. Rose and I are not responsible for what happens to you and your child. You are a grown ass woman who is an adult. Stop using your pregnancy to act like a bitch. It wont work with me take that shit somewhere else. Also no one told me you cared about me nor did I ever want you too. Like I told you before we were never friends and never will be. Heres also advice from mom to mom as well: Do you want your children to see what you constantly do on the internet where you put down other woman? Like you told me many times in the past do better. I am not shaming you but do better and set a better example for your children. Simply dont want to be stressed out don’t involve yourself just simply say you never sent that shit and its done and over with. Don’t sit there and yap continuously keeping the drama going because thats what you do.

As for daisy I honestly dont care if she didn’t do it she didnt do it but both of ya’ll need to check your attitudes next time before coming at me again. Now I just got out of work and I have to go get my son from the bus stop and study. I wont be on again probably for a while adjusting to the work schedule and I am also sick. The only posts you will see are the ones that are scheduled. Now I just want a positive place where my friends and I can chill.

Now I handled this as maturely as I can minus the fact that these two definitely do not deserve it but this is done and over with move on with your life. My boyfriend and Rose are a witness to this post and what I have to say.

@malsie @protectivesoul4u

[nrdmssgs]

Any advice in making a character

Oh, I`ve got so many, I actually had to restrain myself))

Be self-indulgent! This is the most important thing to do. If any of my further tips conflicts for you personally with this one - this must always win! The main purpose of your character is for you to have fun, to get a voice, to be able to talk about whatever is important to you! Pay no attention whatsoever to people accusing you of making Mary Sue or Bella Swan. It is ok to learn, make mistakes, make characters, that will make you cringe in a few years.

Make as much moodboards as you need! 5 pinterest boards for 1 character is ok, even great! Don't hesitate to make a full moodboard for their home, even if you are planning like 1 short scene in the house.

Moodboards are good not only for pictures! Feel free to add quotes, that remind you of your OC, make playlists for them, go to your favorite clothing online catalog and pick, what would they buy from it! I for example have a thing for scents and I make perfume moodboards for characters (just helps me to feel them better). I use Miro for multimedia moodboards, highly recommend it.

Try starting your character as an 'archetype'. What I like to do is to go to this page and take a test from a perspective of my character The results often help me understand, how would my character react to different people and manage different situations. There are different personality tests, you can use. I believe, this one is the most well known, but I find my first option more helping in writing.

Character 'growth' is not obliged to be something positive. Your character can always become a worse person and it is still a growth.

'Play' with your character constantly! Even if you made them for one short text - ask yourself questions about them every now and them! Would they pick the same type of cheese as you? What was their favorite music genre, when they were 10? And now? What was the most awkward date, they ever had? Dont be shy, use writing promts to come up with little stories about them. This all will give you an indepth understanding of your character.

One of my favorite games to play with my characters is '3 interviews'. I imagine my character taking part in: 1. a talk with a psychologist 2. a cross-examination in court 3. an interview with a journalist. These are 3 situations, that motivate the same person speak on very different topics and relive different emotions. So I like to just examine their behavior. You will be surprised, how many ideas this little game adds to your character.

Don't be shy to ask others to tell you about your character. Request little stories or headcannons about them. The goal here is not to have the same perspective on your OC as your friends do. The goal is to understand, how others see them and which detail (and why) work good or bad for you. There are some authors out there, that take requests and commissions for others OCs.

It is ok to make your characters look like an average person and it is absolutely ok to make them look incredibly beautiful. Don't force yourself to change anything in your OC just because their partner is very good-looking, or because some said to you, that such a beautiful person has no place in this fandom.

Give your OC friends, hobbies, interests outside their job and love-life. Please. You will be surprised, how useful it is to keep this emotional hideout for your character.

Killing your OCs parents is not the only way to make them move out of their parents house. (don't worry, I myself have 2 OCs, whose parents are dead).

Making your OC kill someone is not the end of your OC. Your readers wont start hating them.

The more power your character has - the less freedom they get. Life of a queen is planned to the minute, life of a peasant - endless pool of possibilities))

Watch video essays where therapists talk about different characters in popular culture! There are so many ideas, you can get there for your character. My favorite channel is cinema therapy they have so many wholesome, funny, serious vid on this topic!

By the way, never be afraid to borrow some ideas.

Wanna see a trick? Ok, I'll describe briefly a character to you and you will try to guess, who am I talking about. So our guy, a middle-aged man, lives in a depressing gray world, full of violence and indifference. He loses his job and escapes his constant suffering in fantasies, where he is famous, has his own show on TV, the audience loves him and even his favorite late night show host applauds him. But these are only his fantasies, when in reality nobody care about him except for his senior mom, who genuinely loves her son. Youre thinking something like "Arthur Fleck" or "Joker"? Well, I've just described you Rupert Pupkin, the main character of 1982 American comedy "The king of Comedy", which had a great impact on 2019 film Joker.

My message here: it is not bad to revisit your favorite stories and characters and let them form your OC.

Abandoning one OC and moving on to the next is not a betrayal. Having multiple OCs for one fandom is not an inability to concentrate. Your brain produces many ideas - it is ok to give yourself creative space.

Self insert can be fun and interesting. Just don't forget, that you are not obliged to insert yourself in one and only character - you can always give your thoughts and traits to multiple characters in the story!

Your character needs flaws, not because it is a shame to write somebody perfect. They need flaws, because that will actually help them navigate through their lives.

[scepterno]

hi its me again ..

sorry to bother, just wanted to ask if you have any tips on how to start off a fic.. i have an idea ive been sitting on for ages and i have so much planned but i just... can't start it!! how did you start an insulting indifference...

oh man.... im so ass at giving advice.... but thank you for asking anyways! let's see.... this got long so im placing a read more

the way i write is very based on improvisation. i either go into a fic with a very very broad idea of what i want to accomplish, and let the story take me wherever it wants. if i think of something randomly that i want to write, then i go to the bottom of my word document and pound out about two to three sentences IN the moment or scene, just to set the tone. i typically end up hoarding about 3 or so pages of disconnected story moments or character dialogue. by doing this, i can also foreshadow events or make parallels that span across several chapters in the story.

work OUT OF ORDER!!! its fun!!! it keeps it exciting!!! there was one fic i wrote where the last chapter was the first ever thing i wrote for it, and so i had a better picture in my mind about how the entire thing would GENERALLY play out. i like to leave the details in the moment, which is where the improv aspect comes in. if you let yourself ride the tide of the story, you wont have to force it in certain directions as much. sometimes you have to correct its course, but mostly youre there to cruise along with the story thats coming to life!

think of it like... a bunch of big dots. and these dots are all connecting by lines. like a big web. everything in the dots are BIG STORY BEATS, and the lines are the exposition between them. the lines don't have to be straight, either. they can have loops, or wiggles, or tiny tiny dots of their own. it may not be as exciting as the HUGE dots, but its still necessary. then again, maybe it isnt! dont feel like writing a scene? skip it! trust in your readers' abilities to make inferences based on all the other context clues you give them in the text.

as you can see, i suck at giving advice HAHA. my brain is.... not very good at sorting the chaos into something tangible for others to understand.

if you have an idea, just run with it! write for the sake of writing SOMETHING. anything is a good starting point. ANYTHING. you can always go back and edit it later. write what you DONT want to write so you can get to the stuff you DO want to write.

)--)o

i would also recommend never deleting stuff youve written. if you write a scene that you end up hating, cut and paste it into a separate document just for safe keeping. it might come in handy down the line, even if you never actually USE it. you might be able to look back on it and REALIZE what does and doesnt work about it, which will improve your tone and general skills for OTHER stuff you're going to write in the future.

and one of my favorite things to do in a story when im stuck is STEP OUT OF MY BOX. especially if youre writing from a single character POV. we've been following the story of a single person, but every single other character they interact with has been going through a fanfic of their own. what is happening to them? what are they saying? being told? experiencing? what would cause them to change their mind about something suddenly? or act irrationally? the best part about writing for humans is that they're flawed. all of them. so we can write them making mistakes and doing stupid things. it helps push the plot along. it creates conflict, WHICH IS INTERESTING. we love conflict.

find something you want to write about in a fic, then expand the world around it. when i started an insulting indifference, my goal was to write about Alejandro's trauma, Noah's mental health, and have them experiencing healing by mending their relationship with not only each other, but the world and people around them. and then it grew from there!!!!!!!!!

ok im done

i talked WAAAY too much about utter nonsense. i hope at least 5% of this was helpful to you. LOL!! thank you again for the ask!!!!

[skautism]

ANSWER ALL THE EVEN NUMBER QUESTIONS ON THE ASK GAME YOU REBLOGGED!!! MWAHHAHAAHA!

(if u dont wanna do that thats ok lol just do like… 2-6… when i rb those posts i always lowkey wanna answer all the questions so i thought maybe u might enjoy this !)

WOOOO oh boy. ill skip the two i already answered (and fucking. misread)

what are 3 things you’d say shaped you into who you are?

im gonna only say happy things. having an art mom, my first internet friend ever who introduced me to vocaloid, and futurama

show us a picture of your handwriting?

3 films you could watch for the rest of your life and not get bored of?

newsies (1992), borderline forever, and ghostbusters :3

what’s an inside joke you have with your family or friends?

incorrectly weighing a package before shipping it so that the recipient has to pay the postage

what made you start your blog?

musicals lol

what’s the best and worst part of being online/a creator?

best: frieeeends :)/worst: strangers not knowing how to mind their damn business

what scares you the most and why?

death. do i need to explain that?

any reacquiring dreams?

mostly fucked up shit like getting sexually assaulted. also lots of getting lost. i only ever have recurring nightmares :/

tell a story about your childhood

my mom pierced my ears for me as a kid since the only option for a 6 year old in georgia at the time was claires and she doesnt like claires at all. we had to do each ear months apart because it hurt a lot and scared me. had to give in and do the other ear because my dads 2nd wife said one ear was tacky and they were about to have their wedding

would you say you’re an emotional person?

nooooooooooo the only place im vulnerable on is here

what do you consider to be romance?

longass walks together

what’s some good advice you want to share?

LEARN TO TOUCHTYPE

what are you doing right now?

about to get back to my fic draft yippeeeeeee

what’s something you’ve always wanted to do but maybe been to scared to do?

nothing really? its either "i dont care that im scared ill do it" or "yeah i dont want to do that i dont think id like it"

what do you think of when you hear the word “home”?

very silly but. wii and 3ds

if you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

we are removing my health problems

name 3 things that make you happy

writing, mario kart, trapeze

do you believe in ghosts and/or aliens?

both

favourite thing about the day?

sunny breeze :3

favourite things about the night?

its quieter and easier to walk around because theres less cars

are you a spiritual person?

i mean i believe in ghosts

say 3 things about someone you love

they make really cool music and are supportive of what i do without trying to force me into bullshit and make me really happy

say 3 things about someone you hate

he doesnt know how to actually take accountability for fucking up, hes a dick to my mom, and tried to force me off my meds when they were still working

what’s one thing you’re proud of yourself for?

im writing again! i thought i never would actually get the ideas and motivation back

fave season and why?

fall!!!!!! halloweeeeen and better weather and stepping on leaves and pinecones

fave colour and why?

purple. its pretty :)

any nicknames?

i have a few based on my real name but wont share them for obvious reasons lolol

what do you do when you’re sad?

jack off

what’s one thing that never fails to make you happy/happier?

card games

are you messy or organised?

extremely fucking messy

how many tabs do you have open right now?

13 on my laptop

any hobbies?

game collecting, playing video games, cd collecting, various art mediums including digital and traditional art and sewing/embroidery and knitting and linocut/blockprinting, obsessively reading tvtropes, bass, piano, guitar, saxophone, sudoku, solitaire, and writing fanfiction

any pet peeves?

people going "shhhh" it hurts my fucking ears SO BAD

do you trust easily?

yeah

are you an open book or do you have walls up?

walls up. i know that directly contradicts trusting easily its complicated

share a secret

id rather not

youtuber you’ve been obsessed with and why?

look at my pinned post and guess. and because i like video games and its funny and i like the characters

any bad habits?

vaping and also my ten billion ocd compulsions

[epipenis]

i want them to suffer. i want to take back control. i wish id never gotten this far, this deep. i hate the idea that they think of me this way, that they’re better than me because they had a therapist telling to to do self care and about roll confusion. i’m so fucking mad and sad and hurt. i want to hurt them. but i cant. i have nothing. and its cruel. i’m just so so so fucking tired of feeling so incredibly exceedingly unappreciated. get out of my life. stop leaching off of the limited resources i have. do you even fucking realize for one second how much i’ve given up for you. how much i’ve begged and bared everything and lit myself on fire to try for you and you have failed me again and again and again and now i want you gone. and that anger and pain is so much stronger because i can’t get rid of you, i can’t have things go back to how they were, i can’t make you less selfish and ungrateful. i fucking hate you so much…. because i’ve loved you beyond what is even reasonable, or ultimately sustainable or healthy…. and it literally could never be enough. because you were never enough. and i’m a fucking fool for taking you on. i want you gone. i want you far away. and yet i want so desperately to have you see it. to have you appreciate it. at this point i just want to watch you suffer under the pain i’ve been carrying for so fucking long and literally dragging you along while i get dragged back. i’m worse off than i’ve ever been and you have barely made any growth……….. you’ve made some but it’s not even close to enough. it’s not enough. and you still dare to complain and burn the money you’ve been given. amanda said it themselves- not even if regard to me, but in regard to themselves, to jeff, ryan, rainey. “i don’t think they’ll ever realize how much good will they’ve burned”. i will never tell you these things…… bc some insane part of me needs to see you succeed because otherwise what the fuck was any of it for, and i think that could only make you crumble. and frankly i resent you for being so fucking weak that i can’t even tell you this shit. i can’t tell you anything. there is no room for growth or discussion. i always have to monitor everything i say. and you just blow your feelings all over the place. even when im begging, fucking begging. you still have to be in more pain. i hate you. i fucking hate you because i thought you were better than this and you just fucking aren’t. i hate you because you’re a reflection of all of my worst qualities and because of the pain i’ve put myself in. i want you gone. i don’t want any of the people who are supposed to be nice and to care for me give any more of that to you. i begged them to. begged. over and over again. and they gave everything even when they had nothing and i lost so much and you gave me so so so fucking little. i hate you. i hate you. i hate you i want to hurt you, emotionally, physically. i want to punch you. i worry that if you do it again i wont be able to control myself. don’t fucking touch me. how dare you be upset that i don’t say i love you. how dare you. i fucking hate you so god damn much you’re so weak. you ask for truth but you can never handle it and i always have to pick up the pieces im so fucking mad that you dare ask for patience again and again and again. you’re so like your sister. you’re awful. get away from me. how could you do this to me. you promised me it was worth it. and it just fucking isn’t. how could you fail me like this. am i really that meaningless. am i nothing. is anything i will ever do worth anything…….. i get you. because i trusted you. and i worked so so so so so fucking hard to help you figure out how to take care of yourself so that you could do the baseline and treat me with respect and trust and acknowledgement and love and gratitude and want and i never fucking got that shit. get out. get out……… i’m so mad because you tried…. because this was your best….. because i have cherished and respected and encouraged you and am grateful to you….. and it was t enough. and you will blow up again. do i ask for too much?

no. i have to believe i dont. maybe i didnt always ask in the best ways. maybe sowntimes too much. but you always gave what i didn’t want and didn’t give anything i begged for, and then acted burnt out. whose fault is that…… fuck. i’m so fucking hurt. how could i give away everything i have had to you. get the fuck out. get out…… even this pain wouldn’t have you realize it. you would be too busy playing the pain olympics and hating yourself and feeling judged. “i don’t have parent trauma” my fucking ass, fuck you, you’re so unaware. i want to kick you until you figure it out. because your stupid fucking bs has hurt me- so deeply. and even when i told you that it didn’t fucking matter and it had to be about you. is it because ‘i have things you don’t’. fuck you you selfish sinister neurotic narcissistic self centered traumatized and weak and helpless, hopeless, blind, stupid fucking bitch.

i hate that i tried to make you better when you fucking didn’t actually want it. not really.

and now i’m worse.

and i’m selfish. and awful. maybe i’ve only survived this long due to a saint complex………. kill me. but then again, i really believed in you…. and now i hope no one ever does again.i hope they all give up. i hope you never find someone to love you, hold you, make you cum, take you in, share their love, their community, i fucking want to burn your clit off. i want to tattoo on you the pain you’ve caused me so you never forget. i want to kill you and myself because i hate the idea of being this fucked and thinking this low of anyone. i just……… wish to god, please god, lord, savior, god, God. i wish this had t gone this way. i wish it was over. i wish you were better, somewhere far away, and i was happy….. i wish i hadn’t given up so much, i wish i could have it back. i hate you. i want to bite you. i want to choke you out. i want to tie you down and punch you……….. im nothing. i’m fucking nothing. and now i’m the scary and fucked up one. and now i’m the one you’ll work through in therapy. it’s me. i should’ve left a long long long time ago. but i didn’t.

take some responsibility. punch me, hard. do it first. so i can punch you back. i want to see you and hear you in pain. i want to be in pain. i want to be dead because i don’t want to be in pain and because i give up. i’m the fucking worst. i’m the tyrant. why didn’t you run. why did you have no one and nothing else. why are you still so sweet and tempting, why are you still so beautiful, why did you hurt me….. why did you hurt me. why. why. was i never enough. why did you do this. please just. fucking go away so i don’t have to hear you answer and i won’t even get a chance to ask because really want kind of sick unwell masochist am i to ask that question. at this point. i’m so hurt. i’m tired of begging. pleading. there’s no hope.

now i dry my tears and prepare for a war. what will i do. how strong can i be. what will it take. how far will i go. now that i see it, i want out. how do i sustain this. why. why are you like this. i hate you. you’re nothing. you are nothing. and it’s too late.

please hold me…………. don’t fucking touch me.

oh how things have changed. i can see the path walked a million times over, and im walking along side it. its littered with gravestones, id put a flower at every one. it’s frozen now. i can’t go back.

why couldn’t i have met you when you were better. would you have gotten better without me? am i really so se centered to believe that’s true? but then i look at how insanely fucking hard i’ve worked, and how little has changed, and i think……. maybe. and then i see you making progress. and i resent you for me. there’s no progress for me, when do you work on us, when do you help me. when do you stop thinking you’re so fucking perfect. you’re pretentious. and insolent. and stubborn. and childish. you are childish. no matter how much you know or what parent figures you have in your life or what you believe you’re doing and preforming. you are weak. and not in the ways you coddle yourself for. in the ways you praise yourself for.

no more flowers. don’t miss them. or i’ll hate you more. just leave. and never come back to this grave yard. not unless you bring your own flowers.

fuck you. for never helping pull the wagon. for dragging me down. for thinking to highly of yourself and so little at the same time. fuck yoh. fuck……… i want the tears to stop. i want to ache to stop. i want you to keep asking so i can keep denying. i want you to suffer. i want to take away everything i can. we’ve been down this road before. and i brought us back. and now. “whatever im going through” and it’s triggering you. i just……….. want to bite you. tie you down so you can’t stop me or scratch me, and bite you. i’m tired…………. im so tired. i want to feel the tired, that sad exhaustion and rest and peace in pain. but i want to bite you first.

ok. now that i’m sufficiently marked for inpatient. and you’re doing so well.

run good for you by olivia rodrigo. i told you one day it would be the song i played after we broke up. and you told me no… i should’ve known then.

💐

goodbye. i’ll miss you. and i’ll hate you for making me miss you. make it quick. give me a reason to hate you.

[i-hope-no-one-finds-this]

The air is stagnant with desert heat that covers my thighs with sweat as I sit on the leather-bound chair. I contemplate if i am showing too much emotional distress or not enough. Should I keep eye contact for this long? He would get even more distraught if he thought i was not taking this conversation seriously, im not. He sits comfortably in his own chair, 5 feet in front of me. I think this is the most he has said to me in over three months and its a lecture, of course it is. “It hurts that you just have that emotion of ‘i-dont-give-a-fuck-especially-to-my-dad everytime I see you.’” Hmm, its because after the emotional trauma you have put me through I really can’t afford to spare any more mental room for your nonsense anymore. “Who do i live for?” Yourself. “Me.” i say. “Uh-huh. And have you ever wanted anything? Do people look at you and go shes poor as fuck? No, they havent. I am poor as fuck, i am so poor and i do it all so that you can have the nicest things, your car, your phone, your shoes…” You can take them all back if you want, wont change anything. “I just want you to admit what you did was fucked up and apologize, you knew that we had been talking about this, yet you still just dont give a fuck about my emotions or how it would effect me at all.” Oh, I have to respond fast here. “Honestly i am sorry dad, i really did not think this was that important to you. I knew you wanted to get one together, i just didn't realize it had to be my first one.” “Baby why would I not want it to be the first one?” Baby, thats a good sign. I really wonder if he thinks that i hate him, as a person i do, as family I just want him to be good to my mom and I, not treat us each like shit. A memory of a video of a girl describing how she leaves her boyfriends after a single argument because she is used to being let down by her father who will not change pops into my head. Huh, i guess he really has messed me up. Ladies choose your men right, dont let just anyone hit cause youre not only condemning yourself but also your child of a world of hell. I am a bad daughter, ill admit it at least. Better than claiming i deserve the best dad of the year i suppose. 

Statistically speaking, about 45% of American households are separated, and of all marriages in the country, about 17% of them are truly happy. Unluckily for my household, we are part of that 45 and 83 percent. My parents separated long before I can ever remember however, I vividly remember when they wanted to spend time all together seeing as they had a pretty good friendship and both shared a deep desire to spend more time with their one and only child, me. For a year and a half during high school, my parents decided to move into a house together as friends and roommates so that they both can have quality time with me while I still lived under the same roof as them till college. This friendly agreement was soon to be a terrible mistake that gave off the impression that I was living in a continuously breaking family. Imagine having to go to school early in the morning yet you can’t fall asleep because of the arguing going on apparently right outside your door. Imagine feeling guilty because you're the only reason both parents decided to do this in the first place, and now they have nowhere to go but to their pits of despair they call home. The repercussions of what was said after an especially bad argument would usually be days of silent treatment and lingering resentment clinging to the house walls. My only escape was school so when I dove into homework as soon as I got home, it would be confused as responsible indulgence, when the truth was I didn’t want to witness the confrontation my parents had with one another when they would return home from their day jobs. The house, however small it was, resembles an extremely hard time in my life, where I was consumed daily with self-destructing thoughts of why my parents argued daily, why I usually caught the backlashes of their disagreements when they would ask me if I agreed or not. That year, I finished having one of the highest GPAs I think I've had, ever. The continued hard work I put into studying and doing homework in order to get rid of my constant sadness and guilt had propelled me to set new highs for me in school.

[keepthesethoughtsinsideyou]

2/25/2023

So this is probably an awful idea. But when you were getting married and then having your honeymoon, i wrote letters to you. that i didnt send to you. i think i only had 3 or 4 days worth of them. But I have no clue when i will ever speak to you again. And like, speak speak. Not some short text. I'm very torn on everything. my heart, is shattered. truly. But you know. At least I have to think you know. Maybe you have like, been able to trick yourself into thinking i never cared. or idk. i just dont know Courtney. I am sorry that i felt this was planned. you did admit it was, after comparing me to Chad first of course. But planned in that, yo. i cant take this. its fair and justified. Maybe the Chad comparison was fair too. idfk. It also makes me hate myself more than I ever thought I could. i have been crying so much today that i have no concept of time. I am glad that at least you have had a wonderful Saturday. Out of town with a friend. Seeing a hopefully enjoyable movie. I was left to morn my dead Dad and now the most important relationship ive ever had. idk if youll ever read or see any of these. And christ i dont want to come off bitter or angry. or anything. I know that i hurt you already. fuck. i hurt you so much that you were like, peace dude. im just, shocked? i dont get how we are video chatting and opening gifts and i bought a hotel for us. To meet up in a crazy thing where I had no plan as to HOW things were gonna work. But my love and need to see you bypassed any real worries. It's crazy how this relationship brought that out of me. I think looking back at things, I was still a bit of a stick in the mud comparably. But you definitely brought something out of me that was crazy and off the cuff. I liked it. I wish i could save things. I wish this was like that early time when you broke things off and then like 2 days later came back and said you couldnt be without me. I'm not religious but I am hoping there are some sort of synchronicities or coincidences that send you back to me. I didnt expect you to not break up with me just because it was my dead father''s birthday. That would be manipulative. You broke up with me just the other day and I cant even tell you WHY. I remember alot of you telling me how YOU had negatively effected my life. And i deserved better and whatever. But i just wanted you. I told my mom that I have never loved someone like i loved you, and I never will again. I didnt know I was capable of love like this. I wont ever find it again. This message sucks cause its all over the place and im not making much sense or keeping a consistent tone. the barbed comments I would make. Back handed shit. god, they are all i can fucking think about. I cant imagine how differently things wouldve been if you hadnt immediately started having sex with new people. my brain just cant Courtney. How can you love me, want a future with me, want children, a home. But then as soon as you are single, its not me. Its not me at all. It's someone else. It really fucked with my head. And honestly, i just think I am a square. I have never hooked up with anyone in my life. I have only had sex with people I had relationships with. And the concept of sex outside of that is not only unappealing to me, but kind of grosses me out. Thats for me. I get people are into their own things and I dont judge. But being faced by someone who can say all this lovey dovey bs to me, and go fuck another man. And theres no connection? its just sex? whats the big deal? well, thats where my brain goes insane. I've never felt good enough or worthy of you. And for you to immediately shack up with someone NOT me while saying different things to me, it really fed into that insecurity. But thats me right? its MY insecurity. So who would you be to respect or acknowledge that. You are a young single woman who can finally go out and experiment and find yourself. Neither me or anyone else should stand in your way of that. But god dammit did it break my heart. And your ability to seemingly never think of me and my feelings just solidified mentally that i was not good enough. i was not worthy. and maybe worst of all, I was not your first choice. i lashed out with my words. my tone. things i said. how i said that. ugh. i wish...i wish i couldve just been your supportive friend. YASSS QUEEN! GO EAT SOME PUSSY! there are moments when i can be cool. But the uncool version of me surfaced his ugly head far more often as more of your experimentation took off. It just blows because, this only got bad once this started. Prior to that, i feel like things were wonderful. But i am probably sugarcoating things post mortem. i regret ever telling you i had bipolar disorder. i regret ever telling you about my anxiety disorder. Because in breaking up with me, they were both brought up. Negative is negative though. Just sucks feeling like you arent good enough from the get go and then being made to feel like you are broken and needing fixing. I dont know alot of people who would be okay with the love of their life fucking other people. Especially when that same person has told you they want you over anyone. But then when you try to plan a future together, those conversations go nowhere. So idk. Too much too soon I guess. I know that no matter what negative things i may think of the situation, I know I am at fault. I couldnt handle the pressure of being with a poly person. And I especially couldnt handle it when it seemed like the plans to experiment and have sex with other people superseded our plans that we talked about of a future together. But as i said, I know i am wrong. I am the villain. I think of some of the things i said to you in the days following you telling me Andi was coming there to get a hotel so you 2 could fuck. And christ. my tone. the meanness. i know i can change. i know it. maybe you'll change too? But maybe some of your negative qualities will change in your period of experimenting. who knows? all i know is each hour that passes and I cant talk to you breaks my soul. as much as I am sure you would prefer me checking my insurance to see if i could get therapy and medicated, i am afraid i am looking into seeing if it will cover me committing myself. Because I am genuinely unsure how i can go on. All i can think about is taking a bunch of Ativan and walking out into the woods and falling asleep and never waking up. Which in my present state I can realize is not good. The issue is, between the hotel i JUST bought us Thursday, and the hotel I bought us for your visit here in April, that's over $900 i charged that's non refundable. If I commit myself, I will lose my job. Outside of hotel money, i am just in debt in general too. So i feel so fucking stuck. None of this matters though. I just want you back. I don't care about money. I don't care about who else you have sex with. i just want my angel back. i can and will change. And I am TERRIFIED because per you,  you are a serial monogamous relationship person. I want to change so you will love me again. I want to change so you can feel comfortable with your heart with me. But what if it takes to long? And you're already on to the next one? idfk. But my soul is crushed and i feel like giving up. I'm back to where I was before we met. The difference is now i have the pain and grief of losing my cosmic lover. My partner the universe brought into my life. How does one cope with such a loss? How does one live knowing they lost a love that was unlike anything they've ever experienced. I don't know. i do not want to live a life without you in it. 

[khorneschosen]

Yes after years of accepting compromise by compromise, regulation by regulation, rule by rule to the point that by default, healthcare in the USA, is already effectively state owned, but privately operated. This too is part of your world.

Again this a product of the systems of anti capitalism and their philosophy who demanded, screamed for, and even at times forced this system on the American people.

When hospitals have to beg a government institution for the right to buy equipment like mri machines, the only people who can look at that and say that such a system is capitalism are either ignorant, stupid, or maliciously subversive.

I understand this a what aboutism because you dont actually want to defend your world. You dont actually like your world, and yet you are claiming I am practicing cognitive dissonance, because I see the entire picture too clearly, and you are narrowing your vision and actually giving a "well what about the us???" Which btw is a calling card of cognitive dissonance, trying to distract yourself from the failures of your own kind of world with examples not listed.

Tell me where exactly in enlightenment, or fuck even modernistic pre kant philosophy (the philosophical foundation of the system of capitalism) you can find such a point as "the foreign policy of a nation is to create such an interconnected intentional community that a nation is called upon to defend the weaker nations.

You really don't. A pre kant enlightenment nation, even among the "enlightened" despots, would concern a nation with its own interests. Not the interests of the entire world.

Not to mention its introduction came from the progressive era of the united states where most of the some of the worst policies on the us came from, and was the most anti capitalistic this country has ever been.

Inflation is a current trend among the mixed economies who are increasingly becoming more homogeneous in either international socialism or national socialism in order to pay for the massive number of government programs that would not exist in a capitalist system.

The cognitive dissonance you keep practicing is refusing to accept that capitalism is dead and getting deader, what remains is mixed economy or socialism, and socialism will win, either in the form of international socialism see communism or national socialism, see fascism. So Im asking you to answer for your system, while I still have a right to speak, and wont be killed by the freaks in the notes, who have relished at the idea of murder, torture, sexual violence and so on, for my little post.

Cancel culture was created by marketers and advertisers. Just dont pay attention to who is doing the canceling. Of course if it was caused by advertisers, certainly the mere fact, the simple fact that those advertisers are cancelled should discredit it. Why don't you tell me how great it is? Why don't you tell me "well people shouldn't think for themselves, that's for people with authority to do for them." Or the lie that is "well only bigots get cancelled." Or the evasion of "well the right wing did it first."

Why dont you claim any of the things I am saying are good. Why dont you take credit for them? Why do you hide from yourself that you hate these things?

Post uk brain drain, (which you know about because you are so informed arent you) as in the people who would have just given up and died, left to a place that was their kind of world. Where exactly do the people of the united states go to? Where exactly is their escape to live a rational life? There is none and the people know it. There is no "better life" over seas. As I said no country on earth is capitalist and thus recognizes and protects human rights.

See speeches from former soviet citizens about what america represents to them and youll see that the dredged masses of the world need a place in their mind like America, the land of freedom in their head in order to face their own existence that constantly devalues their existence and conscience.

Did you enjoy the people of rationality, experience, training, skill and value leaving your country and leaving you with the kind of people you wouldn't want to have power over you? Did you enjoy trying to chain them into serfdom only for them to refuse and leave? All those selfish people who were ruining your system. Do you not live a better life now? Do you not love how far you have fallen?

And you would know this how? How can you really be sure of anything. Run along and find someone to tell you what to think, and trust that they would never dream of lying to you.

Interesting you didnt touch personal theft. The personal crime that exists and hadn't decades before and has only gotten worse. People will move to safer communities but apparently businesses are just selfish and irrational when they do it. Or should do it out of charity.

You started this by accusing me of cognitive dissonance, but in nearly every issue listed you practiced it along context dropping in order to make your case. Why dont you defend your system. Why dont you defend this system you and people like you support, helped to create, advocated for, and now have. This is your world and not one of you will actually have the guts to say, "yes." Because not a single fucking one of you like what you got.

You got exactly what we said you would. You have reached the logical ends we told you about. Dont cry you couldn't have known, we told you this would happen in detail. And you simply refused to understand, to learn or listen.

Barely have any power? They do not have enough power to crush the last of their opposition, globally, currently at the split second we now occupy in time. That to you constitutes "not having power" because their power is not absolute, and generally is kept from the government, but not every other institution in existence.

But every step in creating our world has been made by them. Philosophically they are absolute in their power and influence. Academically only a few stem fields remain outside their power mostly because they have nothing to offer a science that deals with ridged principles and expects clear and hard results.

Every nation on earth is a mixed economy or socialist. You cannot lie to me and say they don't have power. They do and that power is global.

Want to know how much power?

This entire debate, we have used the word, "capitalism".

What is the origin of the word "capitalism"?

Its not Adam Smith who described it as laissez-faire markets. It was Karl Marx.

Socialism is so influential, that capitalists, refer to themselves by a term coined by their enemy.

You had so much power and influence you got to pick what term we describe ourselves by.

Now you don't get to blame what little hovels of capitalism remain. You and your kind made this world. All its failures and all its "successes" and will now have to answer for them. You dont get to pretend to be rebels, you are the establishment.

Gotta say, not a fan of capitalism. Just doesn’t do it for me ngl

[hotsforharlow]

Jack and the reader are friends but they both want more, but Jack has a gf that he can't really break up with because his management says a break up wont look good while hes promoting his movie or album, but when the reader says she can't be around him anymore, he's got a decision to make.

AN: Hi, I hope this is good for you x

You usually didn’t stay this long with them on the road, with your own life still in Kentucky but you had taken some extended holiday and Jack had invited you to stay with him and Urban. It was how you found yourself in their apartment; the game playing on the TV and beers being passed around. Even clay had been able to come down with Druski already there. “Here you go.” Jack hummed and brought you your favourite snacks. It was those little things that had you falling deeper in love with your friend. Not that you ever mentioned it, especially now he had a girlfriend who was just so much prettier than you. “Thank you.” You softly mumbled and was about to carry on a conversation when she pulled his attention away.

You distracted yourself with the drink and sipped at the beer as your heart began to break into small pieces. You wondered why you had even bothered coming; it was like you were punishing yourself. But it was the only way you could see him so you bite your tongue, bury your emotions and try to enjoy yourself. And it seemed to work. As the game progressed, you found yourself subtly looking over to the pair who seemed to be in love. You scolded yourself for not being happy for your friend. “I’ll just go and grab some more food.” You called to the group; ignored by Jack as the rest of them hummed their acknowledgement. You held in your sigh as you moved into the kitchen.

~

“You should say something.” Clay spoke to Jack when his girl moved out to take a call. “What, what can I say? Nothing can be done.” Jack snapped and moved his head into his hand. God, he hated this. He should have been less of a coward and said no, or took you as his when he had the chance but now everything was ruined. His friends only watched in collective sadness before trying to make it less obvious when you wandered back in. “Here you go.” You softly smiled at them before placing the snacks down. You were about to reach for your nachos when Jack quickly took them. It brought laughter to you as you tried to reach again, only for him to pull back.

“Jack!” His smirk had you nearly blushing and you just enjoyed the moment like it was just the two of you. You reached again and he grabbed your waist to keep you from falling. You tried to calm yourself as you looked up at him; nearly getting lost in those blues of his. Your mouth was about to open when the door fell open and she walked in. You subtly stepped away without making it seem like it was anything as you quietly picked up your beer and sipped.

“I think I’m going to head to bed.” You softly announced to the group after downing the beer. There was only so much you could take. Jack’s eyes flashed to yours and for a moment you thought you saw sadness before he spoke, “Night then.” Your heart dropped and you gave him a forced smile that you’d gotten used to acting and turned away.

~

The next day wasn’t any better; you’d hardly been able to sleep and as soon as you woke up, all you wanted to do was go home. You began to pack silently without telling anyone and placed your clothes in the bags you’d brought. Time ticked by and you were nearly done when a knock interrupted you. “A minute.” You called out and tried to hide the bag before calling whoever it was in. Of course it had to be Jack who wandered in. “Morning..” He softly whispered out and you tried to smile back. “Hey. Did you sleep well?” You knew he never did when he was on tour and you both would message throughout the night with memes and such; you realised that hadn’t happened in a long time and had your suspicions. 

“Yeah. I..” You listened to him speak until he came to a stop and you wondered what was wrong. Until you followed his line of sight and saw the opened, empty wardrobe. “Are you going somewhere?” He softly asked, and you hated the hurt in his tone. You would have stayed just to hear him happy but you just couldn’t do it. “Oh..I’m..” You panicked and stepped back as he stepped forward. “I think I'm going to head off home.” You babbled, ducking your head as you chewed on your lips some more. “Please..don’t leave me.” Jack whispered and took your head. His own heart was pounding in his ears as he tried to pull himself together. The words of his friends echoing in his mind.

“I’m sorry..I have to..it’s too hard.” You whispered, nearly revealing everything as he gently took your hands in his. “What’s hard?” He asked, praying it was the same as he felt. Those blues of his burrowed in your own eyes as you chewed on your lips some more. “This..you . You and me. I can’t watch you with her anymore.” You whispered out. “It’s hard for me too.” Jack admitted and your eyes widened. You hadn’t expected that. “What do you mean?” You babbled out, your fingers playing with his own as you tried to calm yourself. “All I want is you.” Jack continued and moved his free hand to gently stroke your cheek; a move you instantly leaned into. You sighed in relief and hope flooded you.

“But what about her?” You finally asked the question on your lips as Jack rested his head on yours with a sigh. “It’s complicated..” He whispered as he brushed your noses together and you nearly leaned in for a kiss before his words connected to your brain. “What do you mean complicated?” You asked, your heart already breaking as his hands moved to your hips to keep you there. “I just..I can’t end things with her.” Jack babbled.

“I don’t understand.” You whispered and moved away from him. His face turned to heartbreak as he watched you go. “Why not?” You tried to keep your voice down as you locked eyes with him. “They won’t let me…it won’t be good for my image.” Jack finally admitted; his own heart breaking at the hurt in your eyes. “Your image?” You repeated and wondered why he’d even bothered telling you his feelings. “Even now…you won’t break it off with her? Because I can’t do this..I have to go.” You whispered and knew it was unfair on him but you couldn’t do it anymore. “I’m sorry, Y/N.” Jack whispered. 

That was it, then. You scoffed, why did you expect anything better, you thought to yourself whilst picking up your bag. “Please..don’t leave.” Jack whispered and moved to follow. “Don’t Jack..just..it’s okay.” You whispered; your voice breaking half way through and all he could do was watch you leave him. Maybe forever.