#like whenever people discuss their relationship they seem to go for the big guns of ‘HES THE KEEPER OF THE STORY’ and i agree but

[polyamorousmood]

sorry for bothering but im at a crossroads rn, and you seem like the safest place i have rn so im just wondering, theres this friend of mine and whenever polyamory is mentioned is always "i hate poly"

i found this out when we were playing a game of never have i ever and the question "would you ever marry more than one person?" came up, i answered yes, another answered no due to not being interested in it and then my friend (whom well refer to as O) immediately shuts it down in a really hostile way, saying "ew, no i hate poly" which just really messed with me because they've always agreed with me on the fact that love is love and that so long as it's healthy and doesnt have a drastic age/maturity difference that it's alright.

i'm now unsure if i come out to them or not since i thought that (prior to all of this) since they're bi (or pan? i cant remember, sorry.) that they'd be accepting but after playing that game i cant help but think otherwise ☹️

if anyone has any advice, please give me some! i have no idea what to do now since i've been meaning to come out to my friends today.

Okay so I can't advise you because I don't know your friend or your relationship, and much of what you should do hinges on that. But I will give you some options:

Direct communication🗨. You explicitly say something to the friend: "hey can we talk about something that kind of bothered me?... okay so the other day when we were doing never-have-I-ever, you said 'ew I hate poly' like, right after I said I would potentially marry multiple people, and its kind of hard to feel like thay wasn't pointed. Can you explain where you're coming from there?" Maybe they just meant they hate the idea of doing it themselves. Maybe they do have some unfairly bad opinion but would be willing to hear you out. Maybe they really do unilaterally hate it no matter what, and at least you have a clear answer.

Passive aggression 💅 (or, like, indirect signaling). You go out of your way to show your support for the idea of multiple loves, without directly outing yourself. You bring it up a lot, fully supportive, and gauge your friend's reaction. Eventually, they'll probably either be forced to cave or double down. And then you have an answer.

Just drop them👋. Just stop talking to them. Assume they mean bad, and regardless they ruined your comfort with them, so stop all communication.

Out yourself🏳️‍🌈. Maybe they would backpeddle (or quietly stop saying shit like that without formally apoligizing) seeing someone they value is in the demographic of those comments. All the same considerations from 1 apply. I personally wouldn't do this without doing option 1 first, but maybe you wanna pull the big guns right away, or if you out yourself in a group, this may help you avoid a direct 1:1 confrontation.

Ignore it🙈. It was a one-off comment in a game. Just continue to feel slightly less comfortable with this friend, don't out yourself, but otherwise carry on as usual. Not every person I'm on good terms with knows about my polyamory. It doesn't have to be a big deal. Good news is, this is something you can always change your mind on later.

A lot of this hinges on how important this person is to you, how much you trust they'll value your opinion, how much they'll hold their ground, and how capable you are of hearing those comments.

I assume they're pretty important since you described it as a "crossroads", and I can't imagine that dramatic of language for someone only in your periphery. For that reason, I hope you do feel comfortable having a discussion about it with them.

I'm sorry its causing you so much strife. But, if you'll allow me a silver lining🌥: hate can only rise from some amount of awareness. 50 years ago (and even now, depending on where you live), I don't think the response would have been to see it as polyamory, but as cult shit, because no one knew the word poly. Backlash only happens once a critical mass has been reached. There's no reason - and perhaps, no way - to make your identity hating something no one knows exists, or that is seen as "one freak doing freak shit, idk, just ignore it". People using the term, even,disparagingly, is a sign of progress.

[cheesecake-44]

Simon vs ghost

Simon 'ghost' riley x reader idea

--------------

Ghost didn't do relationships. He vowed it after he lost everything.

You aren't apart of the 141 but your squad works with them regularly.

You a ghost are partnered up a few times and get along well.

As time goes on whenever your teams work together eventually you begin to seek each other out.

Going out to a bar to celebrate a win, you and Simon can be found chatting in a booth off in some corner watching everyone else.

Late night everyone else tucked in, you and Simon sit outside sharing a cigarette.

You happen to be staying at the same base, so you share meals together.

At this point everyone around the pair knows what's up.

You two know what's going on and what everyone else assumes your both too chicken to be the one to make the next step.

You have both discussed what you want to do out side of the millary and you both want the same things.

But, being in the millary has its risks and both of you are afraid to admit that you want each other.

Fear of the other dieing in battle keeps you apart. Like admiting you love them would give them a death sentence.

On top of that neither of you want to admit your that attached putting up fronts of nonchalants to protect yourself from being hurt.

The heat between you constantly rises, until on night it all boils over.

Your in a motel in a small town try to lay low. You both head out side for a smoke, you light yours and he leans in using yours to light his own.

There steady eye contact and tension that you could cut with a knife.

Eventually you go back inside to go to bed, you booked a room knowing it only had one queen size bed reasoning that it's cheaper. Besides you soldiers it's not weird to sleep beside one and other. Simon agreed a little to fast.

The next morning you woke up in each other's arms. It was simon who cracked first.

He confessed he wanted more of you what you two had together and that he didn't want to keep waiting till you had missions together to spend time with each other. You agreed... a little to fast.

People around the two of you noticed a slight difference you both felt a little lighter happier.

Soap was the first to congratulate you on finally getting together. The both teams took you both out of a night to celebrate.

The relationship went on for years with you popping the question one Sunday morning. Simon said yes a little to quickly.

You didn't have a big wedding just you your team the 141 and a few friends and family.

By this point you both have a house together, just a small one off in the middle of nowhere with a nice yard for your dog.

Things couldn't be better, until Simon's out on a mission told to provide back up for allie forces. Him a soap are given a rendezvous spot to meet with the allies.

What he finds is a war zone that the battle had just left behind looking in to the meeting building his heart drops.

You sit with your back against the wall gun pointing at the door free hand on you bleeding side.

You drop the gun when you see him. He never ran so fast than when he ran to your side.

He desperately trys to stop the bleeding to no avail, you seem to be calm though keeping your eyes steady on him.

You gently take his mask off say that you want to see your husband. You take his lips in to your own as you slowly fade.

By the time soap gets there he finds simon holding your body like its the only thing that has ever existed.

Simon riley died a second time in his life. This time for good.

Ghost on the other hand lives. He never did relationships anyway.

----------------

What do y'all think 🌝

Also lmk if you guys want more to the trace of sadness series

[unboundbnha]

Characters I love and whether or not they’d love me: a sliding scale

From Shinsou, to Kuroo, to Kakashi, to Jason Todd

At the top of the list we have Shinsou Hitoshi. I feel like he and I would bond over loving cats and being sleepy. He’d be mildly frustrated with my lack of motivation, but I feel like he’d be good for me and my neuroses wouldn’t be bad for him. Idk I just feel like we’d work pretty well together 💜 seems pretty calm and methodical. Probably just my headcanon, but I get the vibe he’d be much more interested in sitting down and working out issues with someone he cares about vs his (what I imagine is) his knee-jerk response, ie emotionally withdrawing and shutting down. Communication’s a big thing for me so I think we’d work shit out before it ever got bad, which is awesome.

Next we have Kuroo Tetsuro. He’s pretty goofy and fairly easy-going, and I feel like we’d bond over academic stuff. I get the vibe we’d both encourage each others’ passions well. However, the active thing comes in play here again because I am simply not 🤣 I’m also kind of a slovenly mess just because I don’t have the energy to human a lot of the time, and I feel like Shinsou and I would work better with that. Kuroo gives me “I only need one cup of coffee a day to function” energy and I love that for him but I’d kill him for it 😆 also I feel like he’d be genuinely earnest if there were ever rough patches in the relationship. He’d want to actively work through it. Everything about him screams ‘active’ to me JDHDGGS. A go-getter. I am NOT a go-getter, I am a go-sleeper, but he’d probably be good for me and I work really hard to not hurt the people I care about with my issues, so I’d probably at least not be bad for him. I’m an all-around pretty good emotional support and a good person to go to when you need to chill, so we’d work pretty well together that way.

Next: my BOY, my MAN Kakashi Hatake. Listen. I love him. So so much. But he is like. The KING of discipline. I have the drive of an overcooked spaghetti noodle: there’s NO stiffness to my spine. (To be fair, I’m constantly running on like 8% battery power.) I feel like we’d be good for each others’ mental health though. My guy needs some healthy coping techniques and I need someone who’s marginally less of a disaster than I am. Kakashi gives me ‘runner’ vibes if a conversation’s getting too deeply into his trauma, which isn’t GREAT, but it isn’t explosive anger — something I wouldn’t take at all. We’d def bond over dogs and I’m really good at reading people/picking up on what’s going on in their heads, so I’d probably be a soothing, comforting presence for someone so tormented. I’d also be a STAUNCH supporter of him having a life outside of ninja-ing! I’m a great cheerleader and raging attack dog whenever anyone hurts the people I care about, and Kakashi deserves someone sticking up for him. All of this is great, bbbbbbut my boy’s like a functioning alcoholic (without the alcohol): he’s outwardly okay, but there’s something VERY not-good going on inside (it’s probably gotten better in his later years though!). I’m just an alcoholic ODUIHFSIOUDFK there’s something very wrong and it SHOWS. Maybe we’d both go to ninja therapy. Get some talk-no-jutsu. Probably not, but we both need it. Anyway, we wouldn’t be the worst match, but it’d have the potential for messiness. I’m big on communicating, he gives me runner vibes. He’s been self-motivated and pushed his whole life, I’ve got all the motivation of a melted snowman. We’re both tired and don’t want to put the effort into something if it isn’t working, but I feel like if we cared enough we could make it work. I’d certainly try.

Finally, my bestest babiest boy Jason Todd. Between us? It’d probably be half a nightmare. 😅 he does NOT give me the vibes of someone who wants to discuss his trauma. I don’t like guns. It’s very sexy of him to use them against criminals, but I still don’t like guns. Canonically has rage issues so if we got into a fight and he got explosive I’d end up terrified, and idk if I could come back from that. My boy’s bitter, sarcastic, and caustic, and he has every right to be. His lack of care for his mental health would be detrimental to mine, though, because I hate to see the people I love hurting not being able to help. However, my boy’s got a big heart and he looks out for the little guy. He cares about issues that are near and dear to my heart, and I think he and I would be able to understand each other fairly well. I actually feel like, when things would be good between us, they’d be REALLY smooth. Mans is a feminist of the highest degree. He rails against the systemic injustices that our most vulnerable face. Jason has a TON of good, but he’s also extremely nuanced and very traumatized, and he doesn’t react well to emotional issues. He’d never intentionally scare or hurt me, but he has magic PTSD and a long history of guardians teaching him the EXACT wrong way to deal with emotions, so it’d happen and it’d probably destroy something in him. Make him even more bitter and withdrawn than before. And that would be bad. I could easily see that leading to him self-isolating even more and just...spiraling. I just don’t know if I’d have the emotional capacity to support him how he deserves :\\\\ another not-great thing is that Jason Todd doesn’t put on a persona for the Red Hood. The Red Hood is just Jason with a helmet. He can’t separate those two aspects of his life, so I don’t see any reality where I wouldn’t know his secret identity. However, there’s no way I’d go into vigilantism, which leaves me with really only him to rely on for help (and his family, but even more removed from him because I’d just be the s/o). But if I was familiar with the Red Hood and it leaked that I was seeing him (which could easily happen, since, again, the Red Hood is just Jason with a mask) that’d immediately make me his, and through him the Batfam’s, greatest weakness. For one, since I would have no real support network, I’d be easy pickings of anyone who has a bone to pick with any of the Bats (but esp Jason because of...well, you know. Me dating him and him being him). But mostly...it’d be because their secret identities could be easily made with me. “They’re dating the Red Hood? Well unless they have two boyfriends, that beefy guy with them is probably the Red Hood.” The one good thing here is if he was still legally dead no one could tie Jason Todd to Bruce Wayne and his flock, but it’d be a huge problem anyway. I’d be the biggest crack in their anonymity, because I’d have none. Jason deserves love and gentleness and support and I’m good at all those things. He wouldn’t give me shit about being a disaster because he’s also mentally ill and acknowledges mental illness as a Thing, even if he’s shit at taking his own advice. He’s a good dude with a good heart and a ton of passion, and I love him for who he is I headcanon him to be 😆 but not communicating about his issues or working with someone to get better would be really hard on me. Pushing him about it could lead to explosive defensiveness, which would be hard on us both. Biggest problem would be the secret identity. I’d be the Red Hood’s kryptonite, and he’d never forgive himself for taking a normal life away from me. HDHSHDGDH it’s MESSYYYYY

[hanzajesthanza]

i agree 110% that dandelion is the storyteller, memory-recorder, history-writer, balladeer, etc. that he is the keeper of geralt’s legend, the representative of the immortalizing quality of a narrative. of course. this is especially true in lady of the lake and in nimue’s time when half a century of poetry has become an academic text.

but to be honest. i care more about dandelion in the fact that. that he’s kind of just geralt’s best friend and they like hanging out

[andvys]

stubborn love part 8

warnings: angst, violence

pairing: Ellie Williams x reader 

You woke up to the feeling of soft lips against your neck, a hand gripping your waist, sighing at the feeling you turned around, facing Ellie. 

“good morning.” she whispered, smiling at you. 

“morning babe.” you blushed, thinking back to last night, when you realized you were both naked under the blanket.

Ellie chuckled at how flustered you'd gotten, “you are so cute y/n.” she smiled, pulling you into a hug.

“so are you.” you told her, grinning when she started protesting. 

You pressed a kiss on her neck and laid your head on her chest, enjoying the quiet morning with her.

“so who are you patrolling with today?” Ellie asked, slightly worried that you'd have to go on Patrol with Alicia again. 

“group patrol with Joel.” you replied.

“you finally agreed huh?” she chuckled.

Joel always asked you to join him on the group patrols he was doing, he usually took a few people into the small towns near Jackson, keeping eye out for infected or hunters but he would also let the people check out the old stores there and let them take a few things back.

Group patrols weren't really your thing and you didn't feel comfortable enough, going on patrol with people you barely knew but you finally agreed, you couldn't say no to the poor man any longer, plus you trusted him, so at least he was there.

“yeah I couldn't resist his puppy eyes.” you said making Ellie laugh.

“puppy eyes? this man is anything but a puppy.” she chuckled.

“no.. I'm sure he's a puppy, look at him, he looks warm and fluffy.” 

Ellie laughed even more at your words. 

“You wouldn't say that if you knew him before coming to Jackson.” she said, gripping your waist tighter.

“hmm okay whatever you say.” you sighed. “who are you patrolling with?”

“Jesse. it’s just a short route, I’ll be home before you.” 

You chuckled, “oh so you can start cooking dinner.” you teased knowing how much she hated cooking.

“y/n, I don’t want you to die because of my horrible cooking, I can make you a sandwich though.” she laughed, running her fingers through your hair.

“I'll accept the sandwich.” you smiled, kissing her neck, she squeezed your butt in response, earning a slight groan from you.

You looked up at her, noticing the smirk on her face. 

“we still have some time.” she suggested, leaning down to kiss your lips. 

“hmm, let's make the best out of it then.” you winked at her.

She grinned at you before grabbing your face to kiss you.

-

“hi.” you greeted Joel, who was by the gates with his horse.

“mornin’ kid, how’re you doin’?” he asked, smiling at you.

“i’m good, you?” you smiled at him.

“me too, i’m happy you finally agreed to come with us.”

“yeah it was about time.” you chuckled.

“you can bring back a gift for your girlfriend.” he winked at you before getting on his horse when the rest of the group arrived.

You blushed, you and Ellie never really talked about what you were. It was obvious that you were dating, you just never discussed labels.

“yeah.” you laughed before getting on your horse as well.

-

You were riding side by side with Joel, the other three men who were with you, were riding behind you. 

The air was fresh and you enjoyed the smell of fall, the slightly cold weather gave you a comforting feeling. Fall has always been your favorite season. You loved it when the leaves started turning orange and yellow and you could just wear Ellie’s big hoodies and flannels without having to take them off because it was getting too warm, like in the summer. 

“Ellie never shuts up about you, you know?” Joel said, snapping you out of your thoughts.

You looked over at him in surprise, you didn't know that she was talking to Joel about you. 

“don't look so surprised kid.” he chuckled at your facial expression. “she always asked for advice.” 

Furrowing your brows, you asked yourself when she told him about having a crush on you.

“I- since uh when?” you stammered, blushing slightly.

“well she talked about you right from the start.” he said, smiling at you “and you were the only friend of her’s, that she was telling me about.” he pointed out. 

You smiled at that thought, you knew there was a time where she didn't talk much about anything to anyone, so you were surprised to find out that she was talking about you. 

“she loves you y/n, don't ever doubt that. no matter what might've happened between the two of you before that.” he told you, giving you a reassuring smile.

You smiled back at him, appreciating the way he was talking to you. Ellie was basically his daughter, so this conversation could've gone way differently, he could've been stern about it but he was nice and supporting. 

-

Once you'd gotten to the small town, everyone went into opposite directions. This place was relatively safe since groups would come back here all the time to clear off any infected so you didn't have to worry about running into a small herd or anything. 

You've never been here but you knew that Ellie came here with Joel occasionally. She probably got you that flannel from one of the old stores here. You were surprised to see that the houses and stores here weren't as run down like they were in other places.

You walked into a store that seemed to look like an old gaming store or something of that sort, you looked around and saw that most of the shelves were still full. If this was a gun store, you would've never found the shelves being full. 

You looked through the games and found one that Ellie and Jesse have been talking about a few days ago, you put it in your backpack, along with a few comics. 

You kept going through all the other stores, putting some stuff in your backpack that you could find useful later for whenever you had to go out on patrol. 

You heard footsteps behind you when you were about to walk into an old music store, turning around you saw Joel heading your way, some blood splattered on his clothes. You furrowed your brows and looked at him in concern.

“what happened?” you asked, eying the blood.

“a couple of infected made it into one of the old buildings, no big deal.” he told you. “you found anything kid?” he asked.

“I haven't found any infected. no.” you answered, causing him to chuckle.

“I meant, you found anything for yourself?” he smiled.

“oh!” you laughed “yeah, some things for Ellie and uh some knifes?” you chuckled. 

“and here I thought you'd go and find yourself some pretty things.” he chuckled, shaking his head. 

“..well, I get Ellie a bracelet.” you shrugged, feeling a little flustered. 

You've never been in a relationship before so it was new to you to show affection for your girlfriend in front of others.

“that’s nice kid, you should get yourself something too.” he said, squeezing your shoulder before he walked past you. 

“yeah..” 

-

Ellie just got back home from patrol with Jesse and parted ways with him to go home. Right when she was about to get the keys out of her backpack she noticed that her door was open. 

Furrowing her brows, she looked around in confusion, she could've sworn that she closed it when she left this morning and she knew you weren't back yet and even if you would've never left the door open.

Pushing it open slowly, she wasn't expecting someone to stand there. Especially not her.

“what the hell are you doing here?!” she grumbled, throwing the door open, she walked inside. 

Alicia turned around and chuckled, holding Ellie’s journal in her right hand while her left hand held a polaroid picture of you.

“I love her so much, no wait, I am in love with her. she is the most beautiful girl that I’ve ever seen in my life, she’s like the sunshine after the rain, anytime I'm with her, I forget about every worry that I have. I wish I could just tell her how much I love her.” Alicia read from Ellie’s diary. “blah blah blah.” 

“You really are pathetic Ellie. You loved her so much and yet you were with other’s all the time, that doesn't seem like love to me.” she said, glaring at Ellie. “you don't deserve her.” 

Anger poured through Ellie at her sight of her and her words. “and you deserve her?” she scoffed.

“yeah, I’d be much better for her. I could actually treat her right.” she shrugged, smirking at Ellie. 

“yeah right, you fucking crazy bitch could treat her right?” Ellie laughed, causing Alicia to clench her jaw at her words.

“you are so fucking stupid, you don't even get that she never liked you do you? As I have told you before, you were a distraction and now you won’t even get the hint that she wants nothing to do with you.” Ellie said, shaking her head.

“shut up.” Alicia mumbled, gripping the journal tightly in her hand.

“she loves me and if you think that she would leave me for you then you're even dumber than I thought.” Ellie told her as she was feeling the anger building up in her. 

“she doesn’t have to leave you if you're gonna be dead.” Alicia said through gritted teeth, throwing the journal on the table next to her, she pulled a knife out of her pocket.

Ellie looked at her in disbelief, was she really gonna kill her and think that you would date her after killing Ellie?

-

“You and Ellie should come over for dinner this weekend.” Joel said, smiling at you. 

“that would be nice!” you smiled up at him “I could attempt to bake something.” you suggested, scrunching up your face, when you thought about the first time you tried baking and almost burned down the kitchen.

Joel chuckled and patted your shoulder “don't worry about it, I remember the story about the cake.” 

“don’t reming me, that’s kinda embarrassing.” you laughed. “but hey, I can still try, you’re never supposed to give up right?” 

“that’s right, kid.” he smiled at you “alright, well you and Ellie have a nice night yeah?” he said, pulling you into a hug. 

“you too Joel.” you smiled, hugging him back before you pulled away and went over to Ellie’s house.

As you came closer, you heard the sound of glass smashing, startled you ran towards the door, noticing that it was wide open. 

You ran inside, finding Alicia choking Ellie on the floor, both were covered in blood, the room was a mess, broken glass was laying on the floor, along with a broken table. 

Alicia was about pick up a piece of broken glass, presumably to try and kill Ellie but you ran over to her and send a hard kick to her face, knocking her off. Ellie gasped out for air weakly, you pulled her up into a sitting position, noticing all the blood that was running down her cheek from a cut, she looked like she was beginning to fall unconscious.

You turned around quickly when Ellie looked behind you, barely keeping her eyes open, to see Alicia getting up with an angry expression on her face. “y/n..” she mumbled.

Rage filled you at the thought that she tried to kill Ellie, you got up and pulled your backpack off throwing it to the side. 

Alicia looked at you, “you have to understand y/n-

“shut up!” you yelled at her, as you pulled your gun out of your holster and pointed it at her, causing her to gasp at your action, clearly not expecting it. 

She looked like a mad woman, with her long hair in front of her face, blood dripping down from her nose, she looked way worse than Ellie but it didn't matter, she almost killed her.

“you don’t get to come here and touch what’s mine.” you grunted at her, as you put your finger on the trigger.

She clenched her jaw at your words and put her hands into fists “you never gonna love me will you?” 

“you expect me to love you? especially after this?” you scoffed at her, shaking your head.

She let out a grunt before she emerged towards you, startling you. You pulled the trigger, the shot went off but she managed to push your hand away at the last second, dodging the bullet that went straight into the wall. 

She smashed the gun out of your hand and grabbed your shoulders, throwing you against the wall. 

Right when she was about to punch you in the face, you dodged her fist and threw a punch at her instead making her stumble back in pain, you grabbed the glass that was standing on the kitchen counter and smashed it against her face, breaking it in the process. She let out a yelp and touched her face, grunting at the pain. You could feel the broken glass, piercing your skin open but you didn’t care at the moment. 

You started running towards your gun but she recovered already and grabbed your hair, pulling you back, before you could react, she threw a punch at your face and let you fall to the ground. 

“..fuck.” you muttered, crawling away as you saw her walking towards you, you quickly turned around and started to get up but she grabbed you from behind and threw you against the dresser, you tried to catch yourself but it was too late, your head smashed against it, you didn't even register the pain at first but then you felt warm blood running down your face, you could hear a loud ringing in your ears and you began feeling lightheaded, you fell to the side as your vision began to blur. 

You could hear footsteps coming closer to you, you tried to keep your eyes open and to move but you were unable to do anything. 

“this is all your fault y/n.” 

her voice sounded so close and yet so far away as you started to black out. 

the last thing that you heard was a gunshot before you fell unconscious. 

[fnf-amateur-writing]

Hello! Can I request a scenario where l Updike with an s/o who got kidnapped and now he has to go save them- if u feel uncomfortable with that you can just do general relationship headcanons for him!

Hey there, Anon. I'm cool with your prompt, no worries!

TW: Kidnapping and violence.

Updike finding out S/O was kidnapped

Everything was rather dull at work. Sure, dealing with anomalies can be cool, but it wears on Updike after a while. Everyday was starting to become nothing more than paperwork, keeping tabs on the freely roaming safer anomalies, and trying and failing to kill Whitmore. Fortunately, his lunch break finally started after a long and boring morning.

Once he readjusted his tie and tucked away his trusty gun in his pocket, he went on a near daily walk to a local cafe. To be honest, it wasn't all that boring, since he now got to be with you during his lunch breaks. About a month ago, you two found out that you took your breaks at the same time. The cafe was also conveniently in between your workplaces, allowing you to walk an equal distance.

Without any incidents or that pestering metal head, Updike made his last turn, with the cafe now being just two buildings down. Strangely, the police were also two buildings down, talking to an employee that Updike recognised in front of the prematurely closed cafe. Avoiding involvement, Updike quickly turned around, waiting until he out of sight of them before checking his phone. You were always there first, so you probably texted him a heads up, but his phone showed no new messages.

It was pretty annoying, but no big deal. He'll just go somewhere else, and maybe you'll be there too if he's lucky.

~~~

The phone next to him rings, whilst Updike sat alone in his office, showing the front desk receptionist's name. That was rather unusual; that number almost never calls him directly, so it was probably important enough to be an exception. "Updike speaking," he spoke in his monotone voice, which was in a tone that easily showed how he says that a dozen times a day.

"Mr. Updike, the police are requesting your presence outside."

Okay, now that was very unusual. Not that the police are here, they show up all the time whenever a case involves an anomaly. But for them to make him go outside, when they usually go up to see him or a collegue, was odd. And he had a clean record too, so it's not like they were going to arrest him.

"I'll be right there," he said. He felt somewhat stressed from the sudden request, so he went a faster pace to the lift--to which he almost pressed the wrong button. He and a cop quickly made eye contact the moment the lift opened, and he followed the man as he beckoned him outside.

"Now, I know you're busy, so I'll get right to the point," the officer says, pulling a phone from his pocket. "Do you recognise this phone and the owner of it?" Updike wish he could say no, but he couldn't; it was clearly your phone, except it now has a large crack on the screen. "Yes, it belongs to my partner. Their name is (Y/N) (L/N)." As clear as he made those sentences, his throat was sore from the dread.

"Sir, are you aware that they've been kidnapped."

... No.

~~~

Looking back at it, he wasn't sure how he kept calm the whole time as the police explained what had happened. Some man had taken you right in front of the cafe. It happened so quickly, that the witnesses didn't seem to notice anything wrong until it was too late. They contacted him when told by employees that he always sat at the same table as you.

As he rushed home, he didn't quite know what he felt. It was a mixture of sadness, anger, stress, and whatever the hell else that couldn't be named that made his hair grey. But he wasn't going home just to wait in misery until the police did something; he was going to look for some clues, as recommended by the authorities. He wasn't aware of any troubles you may have wih your family and friends, but he was informed that most kidnappings are done by people the victim knows, so he had to snoop around your stuff to see if he could find anything to report.

However, he almost slammed himself into his own front door when something else caught his attention: a plain white envelope taped to the door. There was no markings or writing on the outside, Updike noted as he took it for inspection, but he could tell it had a letter in it. Surely, it couldn't be a coincidence this showed up the same day you were taken.

As he went inside, closing the door behind him, he didn't take another step away from the door before tearing the letter open. Within the envelope was a typed letter, which had a clear message despite never mentioning you or Updike by name. Also made clear was that this was nobody you knew, nor was it an anomaly trying to spite him, but rather a particularly greedy criminal who took notice of who you were with.

The letter demanded an absurd amount of cash to be hand delivered, an amount that clearly overestimated even his own wealth. And if he brought anyone with him or brought a weapon, then you would be shot on the spot. Finally, he had until midnight to do so, too, adding onto the stress.

The stress started to become a bit much as his hair grew darker. He had no way of knowing whether the bastard was bluffing, but it wasn't worth trying to find out. But still, there didn't seem to be a good way out anyways. It felt like he was about to snap, feeling some sparks from his head and... a spark of an idea.

He went up a flight of stairs to a closet within the hallway. There wasn't anything remarkable about it's contents, but he took interest on one side, where some suitcases of his were stored. Only one of these was useful right now: a sleek metal suitcase he can't remember even using, but he remembered it being there. After grabbing the case, he ran back downstairs while neglecting to close the closet door.

Now, he wasn't going to place any money in it. No, nothing would be in it. But he had an idea, because maybe the guy didn't quite know who they decided to mess with.

~~~

Updike parked his car on the side of the road, getting out in the abandoned yet familiar area. It was a small part of the outskirts of the city that eventually lost it's population and was left to rot, which amazed him that it hasn't been torn down yet. The only people who regularly come here are the homeless and obnoxious teenagers with cameras who pretend that one of the buildings are haunted for internet clout. However, he does remember coming here too a long time ago to hunt down Whitmore a couple times.

The meeting place was a short walk away, having used to be a local library. The evening sky was getting darker by the minute, and the sun was near set behind Updike as he looked into the old library. As dark as it was, a light was barely visible from the entrance, partially blocked by empty bookshelves. With the case in hand, he walked through the shattered glass double doors and in between two of the shelves.

"I'm here."

The light across the library shifted and footsteps approached. The man looked as dodgy as he expected, except with a bit of a 1950's greaser look to him, and the gun the man held never pointed to anything but Updike. He placed the lantern onto the shelve and approached, saying "hand it over." Definitely not a negotiating type.

Time passed too slow, yet also too fast. Though he normally used his head, Updike had to channel what was within him elsewhere or else the man would shoot him seeing the thunder from his head. Hard, sure, but dong it for you was a pretty good motivator.

In three, two...

As soon as both hands were on the case's handle, Updike managed to give a hard zap through his hand. The case's material made it guaranteed it would shock him, and shock him very badly. He shouted at the sensation comparable to that of a taser, unable to pull the trigger before collapsing. Updike wasn't sure if he was conscious, but it didn't matter since he was already slamming the case into his face. Giving a man a free nose bleed such as this one was usually seen as too barbaric for Updike's taste, but damn it was satisfying.

He took the man's gun and briefly searched his pockets for anything else he might use as a weapon. He pocketed the lighter for the box of cigarettes he carried, since he might wake up and pull a fast one by burning the place down. And then there was a key, and not a usual key one would think of. In fact, Updike knew from the shape that it was meant to unlock a pair of handcuffs. It may be best if he took that as well.

"(Y/N)!" he called out, "are you there?" He made his way to the back, peeking into some rooms as he passed. He heard some sounds coming from nearby, causing him to peek through the old bathroom door. There you were, gagged with a cloth and both hands cuffed to a pipe beneath a sink. You were trying to say something, so he quickly worked the cloth off your mouth and let it fall under your chin. Upon closer inspection he now saw how disheveled you looked and that one of your eyes was black and swollen.

"G-GABRIEL!" you finally managed to scream before coughing from finally having your mouth to breathe through. "I thought you- I thought..." He hushed you before using the key he found on your cuffs, allowing you give him a much needed embrace. "Shhh, it's okay," he said as you cried, "I've dealt with him."

"Now," he picks you off the ground and carries you away from the dreaded building, "let's go. I have an interesting story for the cops."

Now for a surprise bonus ;)

Aftermath headcanons:

Unsurprisingly, you both took off work for a while.

Regardless of how well you can handle trauma, Updike WILL take you to a therapist. He's already got one booked, so you don't have a choice really.

For the first time in the relationship, Updike has been the one to initiate cuddles. He's also just as paranoid as you are, and has become somewhat clingy as a result.

When it was nearing the day you two would return to work, you discussed plans on preventing another incident. Though it may seem a bit far, you agreed on wearing a small tracking device clipped to your clothes until the fear wore off.

The forced therapy sessions did come with benefits for the future. When you eventually had to testify against your kidnapper in court, you felt more confident in your words and managed to tell them everything without a breakdown.

The man didn't stand a chance and earned himself several years in prison.

Finally, once you felt everything was behind you, you walked together to the cafe again. It was a nice cafe and it would be a shame if they stopped visiting.

Some of the regulars and employees recognised you two, and welcomed you back. And as you two sat in your usual spots with drinks on the house, you could finally say it was a pretty nice day with nothing to worry about.

[storiesforallfandoms]

like i’m gonna lose you ~ machine gun kelly

part one

word count: 2276

request?: kind of?

description: after a painful reconnection, he decides to prove to her that he will do anything to get her back

pairing: machine gun kelly x female!reader

warnings: swearing

based (partially) on this song

masterlist

As he promised, the news of Colson and Megan’s “breakup” came a few days after our discussion. The news broke first on an few online tabloids, then Colson took to his social media to “confirm the rumors”.

“We’re just not right for one another,” he wrote in his post. “I still love Megan as a friend, and we’re going to stay in each other’s life. We both want our privacy during this time.”

Strangely enough, the conversation we had plus the actual confirmation that the fake relationship was over gave me a better sense of closure than our actual breakup had. I knew why Colson had ended things, and I knew that what he had with Megan wasn’t real and that it was over for good now. It was better than thinking he had suddenly stopped loving me after all those years.

Even with that closure, though, I stayed true to my word. Colson unblocked me and re-followed me on all his social media, and let me know he had unblocked my number from his phone by sending me a text. But I wouldn’t budge on trying to get back together with him. With the closure I had, I was starting to feel like I could move on from our breakup and be somewhat happy again.

It was hard to completely move on, though, when Colson was still trying to reach out to me constantly. He respected my boundaries and would stop whenever I asked him to, but it also didn’t take too long before he would message me again. Part of me wanted to block him back - it would’ve been beyond satisfying to reverse the roles on him and leave him blocked and heartbroken without explanation. But I was also enjoying getting to talk to him again, even if I knew it would lead to more heartbreak eventually.

The day I arrived home from work to find him sat on my doorstep, I felt something snap inside of me. The built up anger and sadness from the past year was finally bubbling over, and I had the exact person who had caused it all sat on my doorstep.

I got out of my car and slammed the door so hard I was shocked the windows didn’t shatter. “Colson, you can’t just fucking show up on my doorstep unannounced. This is borderline stalking now.”

“I want to talk like adults but you just keep brushing me off,” he retorted. “What else am I supposed to do?”

“Respect my fucking boundaries maybe? Realize that if I’m telling you that I don’t want to talk to you or see you that I actually fucking mean it?”

He stood from the doorstep and shoved his hands in his pocket. “I know that you mean it.”

I glared at him as I tried to shove past him to get through my door. He moved to stand in my way again, which just made me feel even more angry.

“If you know that I mean it,” I hissed, “then leave me the fuck alone Colson. You’ve hurt me enough, I don’t want to see you anymore.”

“I know I hurt you,” he said. “And I know that there’s nothing I can do to fix that, but please, let me try at least.”

“You did try, and I turned you down, remember? Now fuck off.”

I managed to push him out of my way in order to get into the house. He stood on my doorstep watching me for some time, and I knew that meant he wasn’t going away. No matter how hard I wanted to let him go, I knew my heart wasn’t going to let me. I sighed heavily and turned to face him.

“This is your last chance,” I told him. “You can come in and we can talk like adults, but just know that whatever decision I make after this is my final decision. No more of this harassing me and showing up on my doorstep. If I tell you to leave and you show up again I will call the cops on you, and I have a feeling that’s the last thing your manager wants.”

Colson nodded and followed me into my house.

I watched as he looked around, taking in the familiar place that he once called a second home. Very little had changed since we broke up, except for the fact that I got rid of all the pictures I had of the two of us. I was sure he had noticed that.

“Your place was always so much cozier than mine,” he commented.

“It’s cause it’s smaller,” I told him. “Your place is good for all the people you have over, but when it’s just you and Casie it’s far too big.”

“It is,” he agreed. “I would prefer to live in a place like this.”

“You could’ve,” I found myself muttering. Unfortunately, I said it a little too loud and Colson caught the comment. His face changed then, a sad wave washing over him.

“I should’ve,” he said. “God, I’m a fucking idiot.”

“We’ve been over that.”

He followed me to the kitchen and sat down at my table. Despite it only being early evening, I decided this moment called for a glass of wine. I poured myself one, and decided to mix Colson a drink with the liquor I knew he liked most.

“Saying I didn’t mean to hurt you is the stupidest thing ever,” he said after taking a giant gulp from the glass. “Of course I was going to hurt you. I broke up with you out of nowhere and then just ghosted you for a year. I guess...I thought that would be easier. I didn’t want you to think I didn’t love you enough to fight for you over my career.”

“I’m glad you realize how shitty and stupid that idea you had was. I wish you would’ve told me from the start what the plan was. I wouldn’t have been as hurt if you had.”

“I know...I know.”

I took a sip of my wine and immediately wished it was something stronger, something that would get me fucked up within minutes of drinking it.

I was mentally kicking myself for letting him back in again. That time at the coffee shop hurt enough and that was an accidental encounter we had. But to actually bring him into my home when I was finally starting to move on? I must really like to be hurt, because it seemed as though I was constantly trying to hurt myself lately.

“What would you have said if I had told you?” he asked. “Truthfully.”

I took a moment to think the situation over, to try and decide how I would’ve reacted if he had told me from the beginning instead of just breaking my heart.

“I still would’ve been hurt,” I admitted. “Not by you but by your manager. He knew about us, and even though we never went public with the relationship, my friends and family know. It wouldn’t exactly have been as easy to explain the whole publicity stunt relationship thing to any of them. I’d probably try to come up with a better solution, and if that didn’t work then...I’d just have to accept it.”

“Would you have stayed with me?”

I was shocked by his question. “Of course I would’ve. Everything between you and Megan was fake, there were no real feelings. Sure, seeing the pictures and everything would’ve hurt, but at the end of the day it would be me you were holding and kissing and actually loving. I probably could’ve been friends with Megan instead of hating her guts.”

Colson looked down at his glass, which was now almost empty. “I thought you would’ve broken up with me if I told you the truth.”

“You don’t know me that well, obviously,” I said. “Colson, there were ways around this. You didn’t have to break my heart.”

I could see that his eyes were starting to become more wet with tears. He was trying to hide them, but once his eyes starting welling up, his nose and his cheeks became flush and I could see his Adam’s apple bobbing as he tried to swallow his tears.

“I fucking hate him, man,” he finally said, his voice cracking slightly. “He’s supposed to help me with my career, not put my career first over my own life and my happiness. And I hate myself too for thinking the best way to deal with this was to break up with you completely.”

I sat back in my chair, unsure of what to do. I wanted to comfort him, of course, but I didn’t want him to think that crying was going to get him off the hook. I was glad he was feeling my pain, but fuck did I ever hate to see Colson cry.

“I hated you, too,” I admitted. “I slandered your name to anyone who would listen. Eventually my friends got sick of hearing the name Colson Baker come out of my mouth, but they all knew how hurt I was.”

“Do you still hate me?”

I shook my head. “No. I never truly hated you. I just wanted to hate you, because hating you was easier than still being in love with you and watching you fall in love with someone else.”

He started to reach for my hands, but pulled away just as quickly. He sat back in his own chair, putting as much space between the two of us as possible. “There could never be anyone else. You’re my one and only, (Y/N), you always have been.”

I let the silence wash over the two of us. I wanted to let his words hang over us, to try and digest them and decide how I felt in that moment.

“I had a dream while you were on tour,” I said after a moment. “Well, a nightmare really. We had fallen asleep watching TV on the couch, and when I woke up I couldn’t find you. You weren’t in the house, you weren’t answering your phone, none of your friends or Casie knew where you were. I began to panic. I went driving and drove the entirety of Cleveland looking for you, but I couldn’t find you. Around the end of the dream, I was screaming your name and I could hear you calling back to me, but the more I ran to find you the further away you got. I eventually woke up drenched in sweat and crying because I thought it was real.”

“That was the night you called me,” he said. “I remember I was having a bad night mentally and all I wanted was to have you on the tour bus with me, in my arms. Then you called, and I thought it was like...a sign or something. Something good.”

I couldn’t help but smile at this. “I never told you because I thought it was a stupid nightmare, and I didn’t wanna be one of those girlfriends that calls in need of constant reassurance about their relationship.”

“I would’ve reassured you no matter how many times you called me.”

I looked down at my own glass, nearly empty as well.

“Can we ever go back from this?” Colson asked. “Can we try to start over after what happened?”

“How do you start over after spending five years with someone?” I asked. “We were basically married, how do you just go back to square one after that?”

“Well...you try and gain that trust back, then you try and get things back to how they were before,” he explained. “I don’t expect it to happen overnight, but I can’t be without you anymore (Y/N). It’s driving me crazy, you drive me crazy.”

I felt tears stinging my eyes, and I realized in that moment that Colson was now freely crying in front of me. God, we were both just messes. I wished none of this had ever happened.

“You really hurt me,” I said, my voice just barley a whisper.

“I know,” he said. “I know I did. I don’t expect you to ever forget that. I don’t deserve to be forgiven, I know that.”

“I’ll never forget it,” I confirmed. “But knowing the reasoning makes it easier to forgive.”

When he reached for my hand this time, I met him halfway.

“It won’t be easy,” I told him. “You know that, right? I’m not going to come running into your arms again after a few nights. You have to work for this, Colson.”

“I know,” he repeated. “I’ll do anything, (Y/N).”

Despite my better judgement, I sat forward and looked into his eyes. God, I loved those beautiful blue eyes more than anything in this world.

“You can start by kissing me.”

He nearly jumped over the table at this. He took my face in his hands and pressed my lips against his. I had missed this feeling so much; the pure passion that came with every kiss. I put a hand behind his neck to keep him close. I never wanted to let go ever again.

He pulled away first and rested his forehead against mine. “I’m so sorry, (Y/N).”

“I don’t want to hear those words out of your mouth ever again,” I told him. “We’re forgetting this, remember?”

He smiled. “Okay, then how about these words: I love you.”

I couldn’t help but smile back. The magic words I had longed to hear for so long, they sounded so right coming from his lips. “I love you, too.”

[bluefirecas]

Belonging.

Word Count: 5.6k

Rating: General Audience

Warnings: Mention of depression.

Characters: Castiel, Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester

Relationship: Dean Winchester/Castiel

READ ON AO3 

Summary: Set around 13x05 (Advanced Thanatology) and post 13x06 (Tombstone). Part 1 : Dean is grieving, Sam is worried for his brother. Part 2 : Castiel just came back from the Empty. Jack left the bunker and now Cas is ready to leave to find him.

Author’s note: It’s an angsty with a happy ending CODA and I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I loved writing it.

-----------------

“Noooooo!”

It’s midnight and Dean wakes up with a jolt. A flash of white light and he’s writhing in agony; screaming. Sam comes running to his room, pointing his gun in Dean's direction, but lowers it the moment he steps inside.

Dean's wide awake, breathing heavily, soaked in sweat. He's quiet now but even then, Dean pays no attention to Sam. Instead he's fixated on his bedroom door, like he’s waiting for someone. Sam takes a seat at the edge of the bed, and feels how unusually cold Dean’s body is. He wraps a blanket around his brother and holds him until he stops shaking.

It takes a few minutes before Dean acknowledges Sam's presence. He pats Sammy's arm around his neck, gesturing to him that he's okay.

"How bad?"

"The usual."

"It didn’t seem like it. Do you want to talk about it, Dean?"

Dean shakes his head.

"Okay, well. You know if you need anything I'm right down the hall?"

"I know, Sam. Now get outta here and get some sleep."

Sam gives a half-smile before he gets up to leave. Dean is lying and Sammy knows it.

"Should I leave the door open?"

"I'm not a kid, Sam."

Dean gets out of bed immediately after to wash his face. He knows he won’t be able to sleep now. He's focused on his reflection in the mirror and there it is. A flash of familiar blue eyes. He's not afraid though. How can he? This isn’t the first time. He remembers every detail of his nightmare. All of it. How can he ever forget?

-----------------

It happens again. And again. Dean can’t sleep much nowadays but whenever he does, he usually wakes up screaming.

Sam's quick to rush in to help. Once, he found Dean crawled into a corner, head in his hands. His brother has had sleepless nights before, but never like this. Sam can see what it's doing to him, but Dean won't talk about it and he knows better than to keep on asking him. This is not the Dean he knows.

-----------------

“I need you to keep the faith, for both of us. ‘Cause right now, I… Right now, I don’t believe in a damn thing.”

Dean confesses. They've had a long, tiring day. Going to family therapy for a case, turned out to be just what they needed. Sam lets out his breath in a long drawn out sigh. He knew there wasn’t anything that he could possibly say to make it better. Dean is grieving. He has lost too much; as has Sam but he understands that he has always had his big brother to take care of even the littlest things. Dean remembers losing their mother much more vividly than Sam; not just because he was too young to remember, but because Dean always made sure his baby brother, his Sammy, never had to relive that horrifying truth until he was old enough to understand it. Now it’s Sam’s turn to take care of Dean, just like he did, all his life. He'll keep the faith for both of them, he won't back down.

-----------------

Sam will do whatever it takes to help his brother deal with everything that’s happened, and all that’s going on, the best way he knows - a hunt. With a side of strippers, maybe, that ought to cheer him up. He'll give him Agent Page; he'll make sure Dean gets to do everything that he enjoys.

So he finds something near Grand Junction, Colorado; a missing kid and a traumatized best friend found wandering on the side of the road just uttering the word “monster”. Perfect. It’ll just be the two of them, like old times. Jack can stay back in the bunker with some extra warding and Sam's favourite fantasy movies. Sam knows Dean needs this more than he does.

-----------------

“I mean, when’s the last time we worked a case, just you and me?”

“It’s been a while.”

“Exactly. So?”

-----------------

“You okay?”

“No. Sam, I’m not okay. I’m pretty far from okay. You know, my whole life, I always believed that what we do was important. No matter what the cost, no matter who we lost. Whether it was dad... or Bobby or… and I would take the hit. But I kept on fighting, because I believed that we were making the world a better place. And now Mom and Cas… And I-I don’t know. I don’t know.”

“So now you don’t believe anymore.”

“I just need a win. I just need a damn win.”

-----------------

Bullets, bacon and booze.

That's how Dean said he will cope. Dying wasn't supposed to be on his agenda. Then where the hell did that come from?

Their ride back from Colorado is a long one. 7 hours of deafening music for Sam. They’ve been driving for what feels like forever. They stop at a diner to have lunch, and at a Gas station but Dean hasn’t said much since they got into the Impala, and after what happened on the hunt, Sam can’t let it go.

It wasn't supposed to go like this, Sam just wanted to distract Dean for a little while, but in a drastic turn of events, he almost lost his brother, for real this time.

Sam really needs to talk to him. He lowers the volume, clears his throat, and turns to look at Dean.

“Hey, you wanna tell me what happened back there?”

“About what? I told you everything. I saw Billie.”

“About why you decided to kill yourself in two freaking seconds? And why the hell did you think it was a good idea in the first place?"

Sam has snapped. Dean can tell it's not gonna be pretty. Still focused on the road, he answers almost mechanically.

“It's the job, and you know it. I had to, Sam. There wasn’t any time.”

“No, Dean. You didn’t have to. We could've discussed it first or we could've found an alternative or I could've done it too!”

“Sammy, you know I wouldn’t let you do something like that.”

“But you’d do it in an instant without hesitation? Without talking to me? That’s not fair, Dean. I almost lost you. Do you realize how hard those three minutes were for me? No goodbyes… Nothing? What if you had stayed dead?”

Dean hits the brakes and pulls over to the side of the road. This is not the conversation to have when he's driving.

When has life ever been fair to us, Sammy?

Dean can't find the courage to look at Sam so he concentrates on the road instead. It’s almost sunset and he notices how the sky looks like a painting, beautiful shades of red and orange, yellow and pink. There’s still a little blue left towards the horizon through which he can see the long road ahead of them. An empty stretch and there’s not a single soul in sight. Empty. Just like how he feels right now. He knows Sam’s right.

Dean reluctantly turns to get a glimpse of his brother before he looks back at the dark road. His little brother, who is furious now while trying so hard to hold back his tears. Dean feels a little ashamed. He did make the decision in haste, not caring whether he lived or died. He has given up. But he can't do that to Sam.

He can still hear every word Billie said to him. “You have changed. And you tell people it’s not a big deal. You tell people you’ll work through it, but you know you won't, you can’t and that scares the hell out of you.” But how can he say that to Sam? Billie told them to keep working, keep fighting. But they never stopped, and he won't ever stop. He can’t abandon his brother and leave him all alone. That's not what family is for.

It's not too late. “Sam, I’m sorry, okay? I wasn’t thinking. I shouldn’t have done it." Dean says apologetically.

“I know I'm supposed to say it's okay, but it's not Dean. Ever since that night, you've been on edge, and honestly, I don't blame you. Nothing makes sense anymore. I get it, Dean. Every time it feels like we're doing okay, that we'll be fine, we lose it all. We're cursed. I hate that. Sometimes I hate being alive; it feels like it's all my fault."

Sam wipes his face with his hands and gets out of the car to take a breather. He leans against the hood of the Impala. Dean knows it's been the hardest couple of weeks for both of them, but he never thought that Sam is suffering just as much as him. And even then he was trying to help him in his own stupid ways. How could he not see?

Dean swings around in his seat to grab a beer from the cooler in the back before he follows his brother out of the car. He sits right next to him and offers him a beer.

"I-I didn't know, Sammy. I should've been there for you. I'm sorry."

Sam can't ever refuse Dean's apology beer. He takes a swig and finds the words he's been wanting to say to Dean for weeks now.

"You're not alone in this Dean. I know about the nightmares. That you’re barely getting any sleep, because I'm up half of the time too. I’ve seen you walk around the bunker, making food in the middle of the night. But you don’t even eat it. I’ve seen you sitting by yourself with a beer in your hand but you don’t drink it. You just stare at it, like you’re waiting for it to say something? I know you’re in pain. You're thinking about Cas… and Mom… I know. We'll find her, Dean. We have to."

“I believe you Sammy. I do. But I’m just so tired of losing everyone I love. I couldn’t save mom. God knows where she is or if she's even alive."

"Dean, I have to believe that she’s alive, I can feel it. She’s our mom! She’s strong, she won’t ever give up. You asked me to keep the faith. I will. We’ll find her.”

"I don't know… I honestly don't. I couldn’t save Cas. I couldn’t protect them. I failed, and I watched him die, again! You saw it too; you know he’s not coming back this time. I just don’t have the energy to fight anymore.”

There's a pause, a long one. Dean glances at Sam but he's looking out the other side. Several minutes pass before either of them speaks again. It's getting darker and as much as Dean loved watching sunsets before, he can't seem to enjoy them anymore. It's Sam that breaks the silence.

“Did you ever tell him? About how you feel?”

Sam's scanning his face for some sort of a sign. Dean turns slightly pink and looks like he's been caught red-handed but he tries to play it cool. “What?” He asks casually.

“Cas. Did you ever tell him?”

Sam shifts in his place till he’s facing Dean, who's still leaning against his Baby. He takes another gulp of his cold beer, looking surprised, almost embarrassed. Sam patiently waits for an answer.

“What the hell are you talking about? Tell him what?” Dean asks with a hint of hesitation in his tone.

Sam wastes absolutely no time before he speaks.

“You know Dean, I’ve seen how you looked at him. He was our best friend, but he was always something more to you. I realized that; in fact I saw it every time you both so much as looked at each other. The question is, why didn’t you?”

“Are you drunk? Do you even know what you’re saying?”

Sam frowns. “I know what I'm talking about, Dean. But you don���t. I never said anything because it’s not my place but now Cas is dead and you don’t want to live anymore? It’s not just about mom, and you know it.”

Sam’s wrong. This can’t be true. It’s Cas! Of course he's upset. Cas was his best friend, and now he’s- he’s gone. He was his closest friend; that’s all there is to it. But, why doesn’t it feel that way?

“Of course I’m not okay. We just lost Cas and we don't know anything about mom and I don’t know what to do.”

“Look, Dean. All I’m saying is, when I lost Jess, you were there for me. Now I want to be there for you. I can’t bring him back, but I’m right here by your side, for whatever you need. You can talk to me.”

“You loved Jess. That was different.”

“And you don’t? You don’t love Cas?”

But before he can reply, they’re interrupted. Dean’s phone is ringing. He takes this perfect opportunity to avoid the question he doesn’t know the answer to. If he tells Sam that he’s never thought about it, he’d be lying.

Sam’s glaring at him, nostrils flaring. Dean answers the call, and just like that, within a moment, Sam watches his brother’s eyes lit up like a Christmas tree.

“What is it? Who was it?”

“It’s Cas. He’s alive.”

-----------------

“You’re in a good mood, huh?”

“Yeah. And?”

“Nothing. No, no, I just, uh… you’ve been having a rough go, so it’s… it’s good to see you smile.”

“Well, I said I needed a big win. We got Cas back. That’s a pretty damn big win.”

“Yeah. Fair enough. So are you gonna talk to him now?”

“We’ll talk about this later, Sammy.”

“Yeah, sure. I’m just saying, don’t waste any more time.”

This time, Sam waits for Dean to respond. Several seconds pass, but Dean doesn’t say anything. Sam’s done putting their coats in the closet; he shuts the cupboard, walks up to him and puts a hand on his shoulder. He gives it a gentle squeeze, like an assurance of some kind. Dean's looking anywhere but at Sam.

“Dean, I will never judge you for feeling how you feel, you know that right? I’m your brother and I love you. I’ve looked up to you most of my life and I will do anything for you. But I’ve also seen you around Cas. I know you, Dean. You and him? That’s something special. And I think he knows it too.”

Dean's fiddling with his hat. He's been on a roll ever since Cas came back from the Empty. That and a case in Dodge City? Cherry on top. It's like someone brought him back to life and he can finally breathe again. Dean can't help but feel… happy. And Sam's not blind, so he can't deny it. Cas is Dean's big win. Sam can see it too. But what about Cas?

“Sammy… I-I don’t know what to say to him. I don’t know anything.”

“You will know soon enough. Trust me. Just talk to him.”

“This is not how I’m supposed to feel. It’s wrong; hell, it’s so wrong.”

“It’s not wrong, Dean. It’s love. Love can never be wrong.”

Love. There it is.

“You think I love him?”

-----------------

���All right. Well, let’s go.”

Dean gets up from his seat as soon as Cas mentions that he's going to heaven to get some intel on Jack.

“Dean, you can’t accompany me. My contact is already anxious about meeting and won’t speak in the presence of a stranger.”

“So introduce me. Then I’m not a stranger. I’ll bring a six-pack.”

“Dean, I swore I would protect this boy. Let me do this.”

Cas takes off.

“Don’t do anything stupid.” Dean yells with a hint of worry in his voice but Cas ignores him and keeps on walking.

“Are you just gonna let him go? Again?”

“What can I do, Sam? You heard him.”

“Since when do you do what you’re told?”

“I don’t know if I should do this, Sammy… He doesn’t want me to come. And he doesn’t want to stay. I can’t make him.”

“You know you can. Tell him. You may never get another chance, Dean. This is it.”

“What if I ruin everything? What if he doesn’t feel the same way?”

“I'm sure he does. He loves you, Dean. Go, now. Don’t let him leave.”

Dean seems nervous, but Sam can see his excitement rising. Dean’s slowly grinning now. He pulls Sam in for a rib crushing hug and Sam obliges. This is the happiest he's ever seen his brother considering what they've been through.

“I’m gonna bring him back, Sammy.”

-----------------

It’s extraordinary the things you can accomplish once you put your mind to it. At the time, Cas had little hope that his plan to escape the Empty would work. He never thought he had it in him. He took a gamble and now he’s out of that dark place, the void, leaving behind the worst parts of himself in the Empty. All his time on Earth, and the Winchesters, taught him to fight for what you want and when the time came, Cas knew what he had to do.

Sitting in his car, still parked in the bunker’s huge parking lot, he’s desperate to do anything he can to find Jack and save him from everybody; the demons, the Angels and probably himself. After Jack vanished, Cas and the Winchesters tried every lead they had to track down the Nephilim, but he’s surprisingly good at staying under the radar, considering he’s only been here for a few weeks. Jack was so angry and hurt when he left and Cas feels responsible. How could he let this happen? Jack was his responsibility and he had made a promise to Kelly that he would protect her son no matter what and teach him everything he can about embracing his human side. Now Jack’s gone and Cas doesn’t know what to do. Right now, he’s helpless and he can only hope the Angels haven’t gotten a hold of him, or worse, Asmodeus’ demons. He can tell Jack’s a good kid from the little time he’s spent with him. After all it was Jack who woke him up in the Empty.

He knows he should start the car and start moving but there’s something eating him up inside. He wishes he still had his wings and could just zap himself anywhere but it’s his fault that the angels fell, so he no doubt deserves it. It was a trap, and he fell for it like a fool. Just like he thought he could help by letting Lucifer in. Dean tells him that it wasn’t his fault; that he was only trying to help but Cas still feels guilty for everything. He wishes he could be of help, and not just a screw-up. Whenever he tries to do the right thing, he fails, and that burden, that failure is absolutely crushing him every moment of his existence because he’s hurting everyone around him.

He doesn’t know how to fix it. Nothing seems to work in his favour and he’s starting to feel like he shouldn’t be anywhere near Sam and Dean for their own well-being. He’s never told them about this, but he feels like if he does, they’ll agree with him. He is broken, and he knows it. But he doesn’t know how to get rid of this feeling. Feelings. He has feelings now and no way to cope with them.

It is strange, to be a cosmic being, an angel who’s fallen in every way possible. Ever since he experienced what it like is to be human, it has always stayed with him. His compassion, his morality, the taste of PB&J, a slight feeling of belonging, and most importantly, his feelings for Dean. But he also felt the pain, the guilt, the feeling of hopelessness, his inadequacy and his failures. It still haunts him to this day and he doesn’t know how to make it stop.

It’s time to leave his thoughts behind and get going, he tells himself sternly. He told the Winchesters that he will check with the Angels to see if they have any information that can help him find Jack and bring him home. Dean wanted to join him, but he can’t let that happen. He can’t let Dean accompany him.

He’s only been back a couple of days and they haven’t even had a chance to talk. And with everything that’s going on, Cas can’t focus on anything else but Jack, no matter how much he wants to stay at the bunker, his home. Home. Not in heaven, not with the Angels, but with Dean, with Sam, his family. He still doesn’t know if it’s true but that’s what Dean always says, and Cas wants to believe it, so bad, but he’s not able to.

The day Castiel saved Dean Winchester from hell was the day this one insignificant human became his mission. He would do such things for him that he didn’t know he was capable of doing. He was a warrior of heaven, always following his orders, always being the best at his job, and always fighting for the righteous cause. He never thought anyone could change that; anyone, let alone a human.

Dean Winchester changed everything for Castiel. For starters, he became “Cas”. He’s always liked his nickname, the one Dean gave him. And Cas loves it. Dean. Dean. Dean. He can never get him out of his head. He remembers it all, right from the beginning and all the way to where they are now. He was just a “hammer” as Dean says, not caring about anyone or anything. And then he started having doubts, all because of him. He wouldn’t have been able to help stop heaven’s dirty plan had it not been for everything he learnt from Dean and Sam. He never realized just how quickly Dean became something more than a mission; his friend, his best friend, his family.

He will never forget the day he woke up in the Empty. It was pitch black, nothing to see and nowhere to go. How poetic, Cas thought. After everything he’s done, he probably deserves it. An eternity of solitude and unrest, nothing but his memories to accompany him. And then just when he thought he was all alone, he found someone. It called itself “the Empty” but it looked just like his vessel.

How can he forget looking in its eyes, seeing his worst fears, with the most terrible part of him staring back at him? Everything the Empty told him was true, or it had seemed true at that moment, and Cas was on the verge of giving up. But somewhere along the way he realized that he’s not worthless. He has a family on Earth. Sam and Dean may be damaged but they love him. He had to get back to them and be the guardian angel that he’s always been. And now there’s Jack too, he’s Cas’ mission now, after Dean, he has a cause and he just cannot abandon him. He can’t give up.

And just like that, he was out. The sun shone on him again and he was free.

He called Dean; he’ll always be the first phone call Cas makes. And look how happy Dean was to have him back! How can he ever doubt him? That he doesn’t love him? But he will never ask Dean about it. He will never read his mind. And he will never act on his feelings for him. He’s still an angel and Dean’s not. Why did it have to be like this?

His time as a human taught him so much about them - about their feelings, about food, about pain and heartbreak, but most importantly, about love. Love that he felt in his heart, his soul and his whole body, love for Dean.

His soul ached for Dean’s comfort, his warmth. All he wanted was to stay with him, be with him and hold him close. He didn’t know it would be this hard. Dean told him to leave just when he needed him the most. And that was the first time he could hear his pulse racing, his body numb and every atom in his being telling him to scream at Dean and ask him, how he could do that to him?

He becomes lost in thought again. In fact, he’s so distracted that he doesn’t hear the footsteps coming towards his direction. He looks to his right and watches as Dean rushes to him, frantically waving at him to stop the car. Cas stops the ignition and gets out, all confused and worried. Did something happen to Sam? Why would Dean be in such a rush to stop him otherwise? Dean reaches the car, bends over, and puts his hands on his knees, panting, gesturing to Cas to give him a second to catch his breath.

In that moment Cas is reminded again that he is an immortal being and he’ll never grow old, but Dean is not. He will age, and he will one day, leave him. He puts a hand on the hunter’s shoulder and asks him with concern, “Dean, what’s wrong? Is Sam okay?”

“He’s fine. Listen. I know you told me to not come with you but I don’t care. I’m coming with. Can’t let you get yourself into trouble again.”

“Dean. I’m an Angel. I know how to handle myself.”

Dean feels a flash of irritation followed by a moment of grief. He remembers what it was like with Cas gone.

“Are you sure? Because from what I remember, the last time it got you killed. And I can’t let that happen again!”

Dean is staring at him like he’s about to murder him. Cas can see Dean is running on sheer anger now. He decides to try reason. He knew there was no point arguing with him right now. He takes a long breath and speaks calmly.

“I was trying to protect you and Sam. You know that.”

“Cas, I don’t care. I’m coming with you and that’s it.”

“Dean, please. Let me do this. I owe it to Kelly. Jack was my responsibility and I’ve already ruined it once. I can’t wreck it again.”

Dean looks away and takes a step towards the driver’s seat to open the door, and looks back at him and speaks with a new conviction in his voice.

“That’s what I’m saying, Cas. I can’t let you get yourself killed again. I just can’t. I watched you die. I won’t let that happen again. Ever. So you get your ass back in your crappy car and we’ll do this together.”

Cas takes a step back. He doesn’t know how to stop Dean. Again, nothing works. Dean can be so stubborn. Why wouldn’t he just back off this once?

“Why do you care so much Dean? What if you get killed while you’re trying to protect me? What will I tell Sam? I can’t live with that guilt for the rest of eternity. I can’t take that chance. So if I die, I die. I deserve it. I’ve just made everything worse for you. I don’t want Sam to lose his brother because he’s trying to save me.”

Dean can’t believe Cas just said that. He looks at his angel with resolve. He’s determined to stop him and he will. He’s not going to leave Cas on his own again. He’s always had trouble talking about his feelings, no chick flick moments, but not today. Cas just came back from the dead, again. Dean can’t lose him now. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever.

“Cas, can we talk about this?”

“What is there to discuss, Dean?”

“I know I haven’t always been there for you, especially when you lost your grace and you needed me the most. I was a dick to you. I still am sometimes. But you’re my best friend and I care about you, man. I need you!”

Dean takes a hesitant step towards Cas. It’s been a few seconds since he stopped talking but Cas hasn’t said anything. Dean can feel the tension building. He’s looking expectantly at Cas because he’s confident it will work in his favour. He knows it will. And then he won’t have to admit the “other stuff”, the real reason he came up here for. He can talk about that later, when the time is right. But Cas is just staring at him, searching for something; like he’s waiting for an answer to a question that he never asked.

Cas is the first one to break eye contact, he looks down at his feet and glances back up at Dean. In all the time he has known Cas, he’s never seen him like this.

“Cas? Say something?”

“I don’t know how to make you understand, Dean. It’s not just about that. I can’t stay here. I want to, I do, but I can’t. You don’t understand, you never will. And I can’t blame you for it. It’s better if I go. Let me go, please.”

“Too bad. I’m not going to let you just leave like that. So try me.”

“Dean, please. Don’t force me.”

“I’m not forcing you. I just want to know what’s wrong. So tell me, I want to know.”

“You don’t understand the consequences it can have if I tell you. It can be catastrophic! I can’t risk it, Dean!” Cas raises his voice.

“Damn it, Cas! Why can’t you just talk to me? Can’t you see I’m trying to help you? You’re my best friend!”

Dean pauses for a moment, collecting himself. “You’re more important to me than you think, Cas. Can’t you see that?”

“What…?”

“I… I don’t know what to tell you. I don’t understand anything. All I know is that when I lost you, I thought it was final and I tried to bring you back, I tried! I prayed to Chuck, I begged him to bring you back, to bring mom back, but nothing happened! There were days when I just didn’t want to live anymore. I didn’t know what to do!”

Dean moves a little closer now, and Cas can see tears forming up in his eyes. Just when he’s about to say something, Dean raises his hands and cradles his angel’s face gently, his thumbs caressing his cheeks.

“Cas. I don’t understand how it happened, I don’t know when it happened, but now you’re back by some miracle and I have to tell you. You are my everything. I’m not losing you again okay? Now you better tell me what the hell is going on.”

“Dean… I don’t know what to say, or how to say it. I’m not human and I’m not allowed to feel anything. But since the day I met you, everything has changed. I rebelled, I constantly went against my kind and now I don’t have a home. I’m neither an Angel nor a human. You and Sam are my friends but look where that got you. I always bring trouble and when I can’t even protect myself, how will I protect you?”

“You have a home, Cas. This is your home. I’m your home. I want you to stay here with me. I don’t care about anything else!” Dean’s almost yelling at Cas now.

“Dean, please. You have to understand that we don’t belong together. We can’t. I don’t belong anywhere. I’m an outsider and I always will be.”

Cas cannot let this happen. Dean must understand. He can’t risk his life. He can’t be with him. He gently moves Dean’s hands away from his face and turns his back on him.

Dean refuses to let this go. It took him too many years to finally realize how he feels. So much time wasted, so many missed opportunities. He goes around Cas to face him. He won’t back down, and this will not be the end. Cas is not even looking at him, but he will make him.

Dean whispers “Cas. I love you.” And more firmly, “I’m in love with you.”

Astonished, Cas looks up at the hunter. The human for whom he sacrificed everything; all of it, because he made him question everything he had known about heaven. How can he be in love with him? Surely, Dean must be mistaken for Cas doesn’t matter. He served heaven and now he helps the Winchesters.

“Dean, you don’t know what you’re saying.” Cas responds wistfully, lowering his gaze.

“I do. I want to be with you. You get it? I want to spend the rest of my life with you and only you. You’re not an outsider to me, Cas. You’re my family. You’ll always be. Look at me, Cas.”

Dean gently takes Cas’ face in his palms, wiping away a tear from his right cheek. He is fixated on Cas’ tired but beautiful, piercing blue eyes; the kind of eyes that remind you of all the colours you’d find in the ocean. You’d be willing to drown in them.

“You can never hurt me or Sam. You belong with me.”

“You deserve someone better than me, Dean. You deserve to be happy.”

Dean pokes at his chest. “I deserve you. You make me happy. I dare you to take that away from me.”

Castiel smiles. Dean Winchester is stubborn.

“Now let’s go upstairs and tell Sam, he’s been waiting! And after that, we’ll go and find Jack, the three of us. We’re better together.”

-----------------

If you read it all, thank you from the bottom of my heart :’D Please don’t hesitate to leave comments, I would love love love to know what you thought about this :)

Thank you @valleydean & @bend-me-shape-me for all your input and being so effin’ patient with me!! :’)

TAGGING! : @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover @nasayra @womenofletters67 @neatcatastrophe @awolfnamedaliac @there-are-no-gods-here @eclypseaf @theninthdutchessofhell @starlightcastiel @jackttwist @celestialcastiel @foodiestiel @thewinchester-gospel

[justagirlsearchingforamuse]

Hot Take: Racist characters redemption arc’s should be done with a lot of thought put into it and characters who are victims of the racism shouldn’t have to interact or be forced to make amends with those who were racist to them. Yes I am talking about Gavin Reed. He is shown to be in game an asshole who hates androids greatly, pulling a gun repeatedly on Connor and wanting to hurt or shoot Connor every chance he got. Their relationship no matter how much you kiss Gavin’s ass and play obedient little android he still hates you and though he refers to Connor as “he” he is still racist to him and goes out of his way to humiliate him. Make him his slave and try to push his power around him, he tries to repeatedly hurt Hank by bringing up his alcohol addiction and things in his life. He doesn’t give a shit about no one but himself and his little friends who entertain his racism. I have no problem with his character besides he adds to the world and if anything shows me not all android haters/racists are going to immediately change upon androids being seen as peaceful. His character plays a great antagonistic role and it suits him best, now I’m fine if you want him to be redeemed but just don’t have it where he still remains in positions of power over Connor and RK900, where he calls them “tin can” where he is an asshole to RK900 trying to fucking be racist to him. Racist characters should always want to redeem themselves rather than have a reason to be redeemed. Hank for example seems to have wanted the world to show him a hopeful world, a world that could be different and brighter and Connor if I’m being honest plays a big role in whether his racism towards androids change. But if you play a violent route where Connor remains a machine, he is seemingly trying to grow out of his ways but Connor only reassures and confirms his racism towards androids. Now, one problem I see when you guys redeem Gavin Reed and believe he’s not too far gone is that you guys fail to acknowledge how androids he was racist to would feel, how he made them feel, how most of the time he never considers apologizing. His redemption is always taken into account and those he hurt is never if Connor is taken into account, he makes up with Gavin or something because of said sad backstory. Whenever a discussion is made about Gavin’s racism it’s always about making him look better rather than him taking some accountability for his actions and his racist ass ways. Hank repeatedly even if you are not friendly with him acknowledges how his racist ways were wrong and how humans are seemingly the ones in the wrong, he’s open to change and he’s been looking for something to change. Connor helps with his change but is never the direct cause of his change, I believe in the machine’ Connor route that Hank despite how much he hated Connor was beginning to believe that androids weren’t as bad as he thought. He only reinforced the ideas in his head and thus he quits being a cop and falls deeply into depression. Hank has always been open to change his racist ideals whilst Gavin’s hatred towards androids remains until the bitter end, no matter if you are peaceful or whether you are violent. Gavin is shown to never be open to changing himself or even acknowledges how he treats Connor, he acts like an asshole towards the bitter bitter end and I wish more people would see that. Not to mention, the humans are always taken into account but what about the racist humans who have murdered androids, have hurt androids, abused them, raped them, etc? You get mad at North for wanting her oppressors to reap what they sow but we see the humans kill millions of androids without much of a thought, hell I believe North was taken advantage of when she turned deviant and the humans are shown to not care until public opinion changes about them. Gavin is apart of that group and nothing convinces me that he would change. If you really need to redeem Gavin consider those he hurt and keep him away from them or show the fucking impact of his racist ways and shitty behavior. Stop excusing or romanticizing his shitty behavior so he can screw Connor or RK900 or whoever the fuck, his behavior is shitty and needs to be seen as such. Hank’s behavior is shitty and how he treats Connor in the beginning is shitty but he grew from that behavior when Connor constantly defies him or makes him acknowledge his shitty behavior and racist treatment towards him and androids. Stop making racist characters who don’t have redemption arcs or die to have redemption arcs (*cough* merle from twd) especially when most of the time you never consider how their racism and their hatred towards these androids may hurt them. Also, it’s not that there aren’t enough interesting characters, you just want to ship a white guy with another white guy, just say that. Markus, North, Josh, and so many other characters are ignored in favor of Hank, Connor, Gavin, and mostly white characters. In a way the fans ignore poc to cater and fawn over some white characters especially ones who are supposed racist and say they want a blank slate or that no one else is interesting. How is Gavin interesting? Is it the shitty behavior? The fact he so badly wants to put a bullet in Connor’s head? Or is it the fact that he was willing to kill Connor if you failed the QTE’s in their fight? All I am saying is please care about how he made Connor and even RK900 feel about his shitty behavior and treatment along with his racist ways that the fandom fixes with “love”.

[mindofharry]

Motion sickness G.D

chapter 2.

in which julie realises she’s only with gray because of their kids.

chapter 1 is linked here !! angst, cheating, swearing! feedback is welcome <3

tw: TW: some of the stuff mentioned in this series might trigger some people. please don’t read if you get triggered easily!

the first time grayson slept with olivia, he felt immense guilt. This feeling that just stayed in his stomach for weeks. He felt sick everytime he looked at julie - even hearing her breathe next to him at night made him feel sick. Grayson had never felt so bad about himself in ages. He was throwing himself a pity party, and that alone nearly cost him his marriage. Grayson just wasn’t there. but with olivia he felt okay again, he felt alive, he felt young and loved. olivia was like his drug, he couldn’t get enough and he wouldn’t ever stop.

during those times, when grayson was out and about acting like he didn’t have two young boys at his home, julie feel in the comfort of ethan, graysons twin brother. ethan was just always there, always ready to bed the father the boys had lost.

“ethans not their dad, julie!” grayson yelled his face red, julie wiped a tear falling down her brown skin “he’s more of a father than you’ll ever be” she yelled right back, walking out of sitting room.

that had broke grayson. Every bit of guilt he felt vanished, almost instantly. He said he was off for a walk - but he went to fuck his business partner instead.

from then on he focussed on olivia, and his relationship with her. He forgot about parties, for example alexander second birthday. which really had julie wondering, where his priorities lied. Grayson always said the highlight of his day, his picking up sebastian from school and letting him pick out some junk food on a friday. they would head home and all as a family cuddle on the couch and watch a movie together. Gray hasn’t done that in a while, it’s just been julie, sometimes ethan. and most times, julie can’t stomach it. She feels physically sick, thinking of the times they used to have. How grayson is now doing all of that, with his his new girl. with her.

julie had known for a long time, he was with someone else - grayson was her bestfriend, before anything else. they went to high school together, after school activities, wrecked havoc in the town they both grew up in. Julie knew immediately when grayson started seeing someone else. He didn’t kiss her goodnight, didn’t pull her legs onto his lap, he didn’t offer to watch one of their comfort movies. She could smell the girls perfume, and see the hickies forming on his neck. Julie denied everything, call her naive, but in order to move on and be the best mother possible for her boys, she just had to deny, deny, deny.

“you’re getting a divorce”

julie sighed, tears still rolling down her face. “yeah. i guess” she mumbled looking down at her hands. ethan sighed bringing his hand up to her face. “you can all stay here, with me. it’s too big for one person anyways” he smiled kissing her forehead, in a friendly way. “i need to talk to him first, see where his heads at. i think we’re on the same page, at least i hope” julie grumbled the last part. If he was cheating, which she was complete sure he was, this would be an easy divorce. no mess. of course the kids will want to be around him, but she didn’t mind discussing that with grayson either.

“i just have a feeling it’s not going to go the way i see it in my head” julie sighed taking a sip from the wine - it was much needed, she decided. ethans eyes brown furrow in confusion “what do you mean?” he asked his hand resting on her knee. “i know he’s cheating on me, i know it. But i have feeling he’s going to fight me on this for a long time.” she confessed a finger going around the edge of the wine glass. “he’s selfish like that. i mean i tried to do couples councilling, could always throw that back at him” julie giggled to herself, remembering it. “fuck, that was bad wasn’t it?” ethan said giggling too.

julie nodded shaking her head, remembering probably one of the worst day of her life.

“i don’t even know why we’re here. our marriage is perfectly fine” grayson groaned to the therapist. julie just rolled her eyes settling into couch. “well you’re wife doesn’t seem to think so, so let’s have a chat” the therapist said sighing a little. Julie couldn’t help but feel bad for their therapist, mrs brown. She had better things to me doing - no matter how many times she encouraged julie to come, and told her this is what she does, she likes to help. julie still couldn’t bring herself to say the words “i need help. i am stuck. i need to leave” it was like something stopped her, like whenever she reached out for help, it was like someone had a gun against her head. marriage councilling was the best she was going to get - and mrs brown was glad she came along, for at least one session.

“i’m going to ask you a series of questions, and please answer them as honestly as you can. this is a safe place, whatever is said in here, stays in here” mrs brown said putting a leg over the other. julie picked at her skinny jeans, nervously. she missed her kids, she thought. does grayson miss them too? he hasn’t seen them in 3 days she thought. too busy apparently.

“julie, what are you thinking about right now?”

the question caught her off guard. she didn’t want to admit what she was thinking about - she could feel the guilt creep up on her, for the 100th time today. “i’m thinking about my kids” she halflied, smiling to herself. her two tanned, curly headed beautiful boys came to mind when she spoke. god, she just wanted a cuddle off of them both right now - it’s better than a whole bottle of wine and a raging headache, she thought.

mrs brown nodded “there’s more, go on” she pushed nodding her head and giving julie a reassuring smile.

“i was wondering if grayson missed them to. as much as i do. even though it’s only been an hour” she mumbled scared to look up at meet his eyes. grayson sighed wiping a hand down his face “of course i miss them. they’re my kids” he said his hands resting on his knees.

“you haven’t see them in three days”

“i’ve been busy” grayson grumbled, making you laugh out loud, mrs brown looked back to you raising an eyebrow. “going to parties and forgetting your son because you were hungover, is not busy. it’s utterly pathetic, grayson” you say crossing your arms over your chest.

grayson closed his eyes, not saying anything in response. your therapist threw a few other questions about, before calling it a day. “come back same time, thursday, i’ll have an exercise prepared for you then” she said smiling shaking both of your hands.

“god, you embarrass me something, julie. marriage councilling? fuck off” he nearly yelled in the parking lot, speed walking off of his car. grayson angrily pulled open his car door, and then slamming it shut. all julie did, was give him the middle finger and then sob in her car for half an hour.

“that was a mess and half” julie mumbled coming back to reality. ethan nodded in agreement “i’d never seen him so angry. probably because he knew you guys needed it. his pride got in the way.” ethan said not even feeling bad for his brother. He had lost respect for grayson way back, but he lost interest in whatever shit he was pulling, the first time julie broke down in front of him. julie was his sister, not by blood, but that didn’t matter to him. julie was his sister, and he’d do anything to keep her safe and away from bad.

he just didn’t think the bad would be his brother.

“mama”

there talk was interrupted by a soft voice, usually it was alexander wanting to stay and cuddle with his mama, but no, sebastian was here. and julie could tell he really needed a kiss and a cuddle.

“don’t cry mama, i’m here for you” sebastian said wiping his mother’s left over tears, and kissing both of her cheeks. that just made julie want to cry even more. “mama loves you so much, seb” she paused “wanna watch some, movies with uncle e and i?”she finished with a grin and sebastian nodded climbing onto his mother’s lap.

ethan couldn’t help but smile kissing sebastians head. Ethan turned on the movie his hand still on julie’s knee. she looked over at him, her head resting on sebastians.

“thank you, e” she whispered placing a hand on his. ethan shook his head smiling softly.

“anything for you, jules”

[one-shot-plus-size]

You save

My imagination can run wild sometimes, especially on days when I'm bored with work

- What's he doing here? - Frank snarled.

- He needs your help - Karen breathed. 

- Since when does the big Daredevil need anyone's help? - Castle snorted under his breath. 

He walked around the kitchen island and poured himself a cup of coffee. 

- I still don't understand why you're here - he sipped from his mug - Why did you bring him here, Karen?

Matt leaned his hip against the cabinet, he could feel Frank's steady heartbeat and Karen's slightly quickened pulse. 

- It's about my sister - he listened to the Punisher reaction. 

The aura immediately changed in the room, the air became heavy and tense. 

- What about her? - he sensed a slight change in Frank's voice. 

His voice seemed to hesitate, a hint of tension creeping into it. But Castle quickly returned to his cold, steel voice.

- What about Olivia? - He stared at them. 

- She's missing. I haven't heard from her in four days. I've searched the entire city - Matt shook his head.

- Maybe she went on vacation - Frank put his cup down. 

- Today she was supposed to have her last exam at university, she wouldn't miss it. 

- How could you lose your own sister? - he snarled at him.

- You know how she is, she's impossible to keep track of. She has her own life, she is stubborn and unpredictable. But this time I know that this is not just another prank, I know that something happened. 

- What makes you think that? - He rested his hands on the counter in front of him. 

- Her apartment was trashed, and you know how meticulous she is. Frank, I know you two broke up, I know you don't keep in touch, but she's my little sister. I'm worried about her. I can't find her myself. Can you help me?

Castle stared at the cup in front of him, still in love with her. He had always thought that after Maria, he would never be able to love anyone. But it was different with her, he gave his heart to her. But he had to fail, as he always did. He had to push her away, destroyed their relationship. 

At the same time.

- Come on, baby - the young man knelt down in front of her - you must know something. 

- I don't know shit, I'm just an ordinary student - she spat blood in his face. 

- You bitch - he straightened up and slapped her. 

She spat blood on the floor, smiled and shook her head. 

- I have no clue who the Punisher and Daredevil are, I have no clue what you're asking me. I'm a final year law student, I had an exam on dick days. Last fucking year - she growled as if to herself. 

- I don't give a shit about your studies, I just want those two dicks. They are the only ones I care about, no one else. 

She shook her head, her whole body aching. She had been sitting in that fucking chair for what felt like hours. She was hungry and thirsty, but she swore to herself that she would never tell anyone about the two most important men in her life. She would never give up her brother for anything in her life, much less the love of her life. They could kill her right here in this chair, but she wouldn't let up. 

- Did she say something? - an older man entered the room. 

- No - the younger man turned to him - she doesn't know who they are. 

- Do you believe her? - the grey-haired man crossed his arms over his chest. 

- No - the brunet shook his head - she knows, she's just stubborn. 

- So you have to change your tactics - the elder reached for the gun hanging under his jacket - go out, I'll take care of her. 

- Sure, boss - the young man nodded and left the room, closing the door behind him. 

- I act differently than these young people - he smiled - do you really not know anything about them?

- No fucking way - she growled.

- Great.

He put the gun to her knee and just fired without warning. Olivia wailed in pain and tightened the ropes she was tied with. 

- You still don't know anything?

- No - she stared into his eyes. 

- Good - he nodded. 

He put the barrel on her other knee and shot again. She gritted her teeth and writhing in pain, blood dripping on the floor. If she counted right, if the blood kept flowing out of her body at this rate, she'd be out of her misery within the hour. 

- Shoot me at once, I won't tell you shit - she stared at him.

- So you know something - he leaned into her ear - if I don't break your body I will break your mind. No more than 24 hours and you'll be talking all you know. 

He kissed her ear and straightened up. 

- Jackson - he shouted.

The man walked inside, approached his boss. 

- She is to survive - he gave him the gun and left. 

They left her alone right after they bandaged her up. Eventually, time began to blur, her mind balancing between consciousness and overload. She was barely making contact, trying to hold on as long as possible. She rested her chin against her chest and let herself drift off for a moment. She was roused from her numbness by shots, muffled but she heard them. She tried to raise her head, tried to jerk herself up. But her body refused to obey, she wanted to get out of here. She wanted to return to her normal life, to be able to lie down in bed and finally rest. She shuddered when someone lifted her head, she wanted to open her eyes. She wanted the words of the person in front of her to reach her, she felt someone cut her bonds. And then her body floated in the air, she wanted to fight. To resist but she couldn't, she didn't have the strength for it. She leaned her head against the rough material and only after a moment realized who was carrying her. The scent of this person had accompanied her for over a year, she woke up with him whenever he was home. She nuzzled her nose into his neck and breathed as much as her broken ribs would allow. 

- Frank, I knew you'd find me. - she whispered. 

A moment later she lost consciousness. Frank felt her body go limp, felt her steady breathing on his neck. 

- Come on kid stay with me - he muttered. 

- Is she all right? - Red ran up to him.

- She lost consciousness, she's in bad shape.

- Let's take her to me - the younger one followed him. 

- No - Punisher shook his head - she is coming back to me, to my house. 

- But...

- Don't discuss - he growled - you have shit to say since you let her out of your sight. 

Two days later

She groaned when she first opened her eyes, she closed them very quickly. She felt numb and her mind was dimmed. When she tried to move, pain shot through her body.

- Hey, easy - someone held her body - don't move. 

- Where am I? - she whispered. 

- At home - the voice whispered.

She turned her head towards the voice, opened her eyes and squinted. Only after a while did she realize who was sitting by her bed.

- Frank - she stared into his dark eyes. 

- You'll be dull for a while, it's because of the painkillers. 

- What happened? - She was breathing shallowly.

- It is not important, you are safe here - he leaned towards her. 

He smoothed her hair with his hand and kissed her forehead.

- You are safe, I will take care of it - he whispered.

She touched his cheek when he brought his face closer to hers, she stared into his dark eyes. 

- You look like shit - he smiled. 

Olivia snorted under her breath and shook her head. 

- See, the roles are reversed - she smiled slightly.

- I never wanted this for you - he didn't break eye contact - I never wanted you to get hurt. 

- I am fine - she stroked his cheek with her thumb - I am a tough bitch. 

- I'm sorry - his eyes turned glassy. 

- Hey - she moved her thumb across his lower lip - nothing is your fault, nothing at all. 

- I love you kid.

- I always loved that nickname -  she snorted under her breath - I love you too, Castle. 

He moved closer to her and kissed her lightly on the lips. 

- Come home, this place isn't the same without you - he whispered against her lips. 

- As if I have no choice - she smiled - I will stay here with you. 

He pressed his lips to hers more firmly, deepening the kiss. 

- She barely woke up and you're already sucking her face off - a third voice said.

They pulled away from each other, Olivia blushed furiously and Frank rolled his eyes. 

- Red little brother, turn around and leave. 

[twigon0metry]

On Vaccine Mandates

 Just happened to see a facebook post by someone I follow about being against vaccine mandates. It seems these days that people are extremely divided online about covid--of course, when it comes to most moral issues that affect people, you find that everywhere. But I think the reason why people are so vehement about covid-19 in particular is because it literally determines whether a human lives or dies, and one person’s choice can cause a domino effect one way or the other. 

 In this muddle of angry ideas and heated debates, it’s important to remember that both sides are composed of people--real humans, with real struggles, and their own loved ones. In this article, I want to make it clear that I am discussing a concept, not the people involved in it. 

 If, say, covid vaccines were to be mandated, that would mean that people who are not vaccinated would be unable to travel, especially not by plane or boat. It’s possible they would miss out on a lot of other gatherings as well, such as family get togethers, extracurricular activities, business trips, and shopping. Their job choices would also be limited, because due to the nature of some of these jobs (anything in the healthcare industry), vaccination would be required. If it was not mandated, they would be free to choose whichever option they wished--get vaccinated or choose not to. Mask wearing is in a similar category.

 In order to understand the dilemma and morality of this mandate, we first have to explore the question: Why were masks mandated despite so many people being uncomfortable with wearing them?

 Scientists and doctors generally have years and years’ worth of training under their belts. According to them, masks are proven to be the best way to stop disease transmission of respiratory infections, which travel in miniscule droplets of liquid from the mouth and nose of a person. Countries who follow mask wearing guidelines were quickly observed to have a lower infection rate. 

 Despite this, many people have just refused to wear them, due to suspicion, their own discomfort, or a strange delusion of freedom. And as such, cases climbed rapidly.

 Parents are much more likely to give a child freedom when the child is good and acts in interest of others (especially in that of the parents). Perhaps they may choose a toy when they go out, or stay up extra late, or watch TV for a bit longer. But what happens when a child rebels? Those freedoms are quickly taken away, because the child will misuse them and eventually cause harm to themselves and others. 

 As offensive of a comparison that is, it’s quite similar to mask wearing and vaccines. Of course, the difference is, these are adults, not children. But as one can see, the progression of it is the same both ways. Masks became mandated because people have not used their freedom in the right way, and they will cause harm to each other if it keeps happening. And now, in places where it is mandated, people without masks cannot enter most places or do jobs unless they have a specific exception. 

 Now, with vaccines, we see the same thing happening once again. The government and doctors, which again are extremely educated, are offering a solution to this virus, in hopes that people will decide to protect others and themselves. They are offering their people freedom and free will, to choose one way or another. And the vaccines themselves already have substantial scientific proof for their effectiveness. 

 Here’s the thing that most people don’t understand. All of us have free will, but we live within a structured world that has thousands of cause and effect situations happening every minute. And you, as a person, can operate within it using your free will. You can choose which path you take and what you do. However, you cannot avoid the consequences of what happens after your choices. You cannot have free will without responsibility. If I were to drink and party late into the night, I would wake up the next morning with a hangover, regardless of what I chose. I cannot avoid the hangover in the name of my free will. It happens anyways. If I choose to ingest gasoline, I will die, and I cannot avoid that. 

 If you are unvaccinated, you will get sick, just as you would catch polio, measles, rubella, tetanus, etc.. You may choose to not be vaccinated, but you have to also accept the fact that you are far more likely to become ill than someone who is. You also have to accept that you will be spreading illness to others besides yourself. 

 Free will and freedom of speech is important to americans and canadians. But that freedom is not more important than human lives. You can throw water at your friend and they might get mad--big deal. But if you pick up a gun and shoot a man, you will go to jail, because endangering another human is a consequence on another level--and the government will protect its people from that consequence whenever possible. 

 Yes, you have the choice to take or not take the vaccine. But that free will doesn’t come without natural consequences. Unvaccinated people make up many of the beds in hospitals right now, and unfortunately spread disease much faster than those who are vaccinated--it’s how diseases work. This means that the government has to restrict where those people go in order to keep others safe--especially those who cannot get the vaccine and/or are immune compromised. 

 I’ve seen the words “freedom”, “bodily autonomy”, “human rights” and “segregation” thrown around a lot these days. Don’t be fooled by that phrasing--free will exists only within the realm of safety. Free will no longer matters when thousands of other human lives are at stake, because one person’s choice can easily kill or permanently injure another. No one is taking away anyone’s bodily autonomy, or bullying anyone into getting vaccinated, as you still have the choice to get vaxxed or not--no one is standing with a knife at people’s throats and a needle at their shoulders. It is not your entitled right as a human to take actions that hurt others. It is not segregation or discrimination--merely, the natural result of refusing to stop the spread of disease. These comparisons, unfortunately, completely miss the point of the whole vaccine issue: There is an extremely dangerous disease at large in the world that is harming men, women, and children, breaking apart relationships, permanently maiming people, and threatening those we care about. Our responsibility is to stop it however we can, especially as Christians--because that’s what Jesus would do. 

 Jesus did not worry about His freedom and bodily autonomy when He carried that cross up the hill, when He was beaten nearly to death by strangers, and mocked for living the life that He did. Jesus says in the book of John: “In this world, you will have trouble--but take heart, for I have overcome the world!” (NIV).

 As His followers, we are called to do what is best for others, not ourselves. And really, in the context of what He has done for us--a little poke in the arm is nothing. 

[carrigerpigeon]

On THE ENFORCER ENIGMA

Okay, y’all.

We need to talk about The Enforcer Enigma because I have many, many problems with it.

I’ve been sitting on my feelings for this book for a month or so, after I got my ARC of it and I read it. It’s been hard to decide what I was going to say, how I was going to approach this. Like I’ve said before, my relationship with Gail exists in a liminal space between fan and friend, and is even more complicated than that.

I’ve decided, as both a fan AND friend, that I can’t ignore the problems in this book.

Which is where this post comes from.

When I first I heard it was dealing with the Selkie mob I was excited, because I loved how ridiculous they were in the short story and I think the concept is gloriously ludicrous. But this book overall felt very contrived, very basic, and very tone deaf in a racist way. The gay boys felt objectified and cookie cutter, and the racist treatment of Judd made me very, very upset.

I’m going to get to my issues with the treatment of Judd, as best as I can as a white person with a lot to learn, but I want to start with something I am able to speak better on, and that’s the gay characters in this book.

So let’s get into it. Spoilers, obviously, and lots of talk about systematic racism and homophobia, antiblackness, stereotypes, etc.

(Also, Gail, since you follow me on this blog and I know you’ll probably see this—READ THE WHOLE THING. Think about it. And then if you’d like to talk about it, you know how to contact me.)

This is going behind a cut, not because of the content but because it’s almost 6 pages long.

The Gay Boys

Okay. Look.

I love a catty, fabulous gay boy as much as the next queer. They have a space and a place in our community. But not EVERY gay man is like this IRL. Meanwhile, in SAS, it feels like every gay male character (or close to) in this series is a waspy, catty, faaaabulous gay. Isaac, Marvin, Max, Trick, even to some extent Alec and Bryan…they’re just all the exhausting waspy, catty, fabulous gay boy that we see exhibited heavily on Drag Race and other mainstream platforms.

And like. I get it. Colin is repressed and gay and wants to be a fabulous twink. That’s fine. But it just felt like he was slipping into the stereotype all the other gay male characters inhabit in these books, and that’s really, really exhausting.

Also, I am from the East Coast, where according to my West Coast friends we apparently grow gay boys differently. I can’t say with any accuracy how much of this is true. BUT MOST OF THESE GAY BOYS ARE FROM THE EAST COAST. They lived in Boston before moving to California. So why are they like this?

It feeds into this larger trend I’ve seen in Gail’s word with fabulous, savage gay boys—from Akeldama and all his drones, to Biffy, and even Lyall. Seen over the spread, it’s harder to sweep it away as just a “modern storyline” thing or a “California storyline” thing. It’s a trend, one which I find very uncomfortable as a queer person.

There is a place and space for Queer people to take back the tropes and stereotypes that have been used against us and write them our own way. But what I’ve seen as a longtime reader isn’t that. What I seem is lazy stereotyping and an overarching stereotype and characterization that feed into the larger the ways I feel gay men are objectified by female authors (no matter how queer the author is).

Many more people have covered this topic better than I, but it explains why I’ve felt so uneasy about this series from the get go. The sex and the relationships in these books don’t feel real—it feels objectifying. There’s lots of talk about big and strong sexy, muscle-y men but very little else. And while there is something to say about having a partner who thinks you’re sexy—that’s important, and I want everyone to have that…. this isn’t that.

These are muscle-y, strong, sassy gay men for cis white women to coo over on Facebook and feel good about. But to me, a real life nonbinary queer person, I feel uneasy and frankly uncomfortable with the objectification of them.

And since we’re talking about queer representation, after having a decent wlw spread in the Parasolverse there are two WLW (specifically lesbians) in SAS (Trickle and Pepper) and they (a) barely get any screen time and (b) feel stereotypical to me. And they are side characters, so I get it, but seriously?

And also while we’re on queer representation, there’s Mana, aka Manifest Destiny. Mana is the drag queen and arguable trans woman* who started off alright BUT was named after the colonization and violent taking of Native and Indigenous people’s lands and wrapped up in patriotism. Gail has said she made a mistake, that she meant her name to be Mana From Heaven, and that this would be addressed in the upcoming book (aka The Enforcer Engima).

It was not.

There is talk, from what I understand, this issue will be addresses in the upcoming short story about Mana and Lovejoy. But there are several throwaway lines about Mana in this book, her work in LA and her becoming a drag queen superstar (I guess akin to RuPaul?). So why wasn’t her name change discussed or even mentioned there?

[*Sidebar: Mana has been quoted as saying, “I suppose I should be transgender, under modern parlance. But I like drag queen. It suits me. I like the fabric roughness of drag, and the royalty of queen. It's a nice change to have the luxury of choosing one's own semantics, if not one's own situation." But whenever she appears, it seems she’s always in face/wearing false eyelashes/wearing women’s clothing.

I’m not going to police Mana’s trans experience because gender is a spectrum, and I as someone under the trans umbrella know that. But it feels…weird and off to me.]

Regardless of my sidebar, the name she was supposed to have, Manna from Heaven is…also sort of problematic? If I understand the reference correctly, it refers to the Biblical story of the food that God miraculously provided to the Israelites as they wandered in the wilderness. It means as a phrase the coming of unexpected benefit or assistance, especially when that benefit/assistance comes at the time when it is needed most. Which is what Mana is for the pack—she lets them live in her apartment in Book 1, she swoops in to save the day in Book 2. But it feels…very white and more than a little gross to name a character with Chinese and Japanese ancestry after something from the Bible.

And then there’s Judd.

Oh, Judd.

I really wanted to like Judd. The premise of his character was interesting, a Black, Pre-Saturation werewolf shifter, and I liked his cameos in the other books. But then we got a book about him, and it all fell apart.

Judd is a gay Black character, pre-Saturation, meaning he’s old as hell (from the Parasolverse time). He is objectified like the other gay boys, and there’s a lot of talk about how hard and strong his muscles and how sexy he is. He’s depicted on the cover this way.

And that’s…fine I guess, but gay Black men frequently have their bodies objectified as Black and muscley and strong. He’s also a pack Enforcer, so he’s depicted as not very smart and very violent. All of those are racist stereotypes that Black men deal with constantly, and they are racist stereotypes and tropes that are constantly hurled at Black men by the system and by society.

Additionly, Judd, the only Black member of the pack, is the only werewolf in the series to carry a gun.

A Black man. Is the only member. To carry a gun.

Yeah.

It gets worse.

There is mention of Judd’s backstory—very heavy inferences to Phineas/Soap (whose problematic naming convention and descriptors have been talked about especially by jhenne-bean ) being his mentor until he gets kicked out of Sidheag’s pack—but it falls very flat. I understand not wanting to write too much history of a Black character as a white writer, especially after tenuously connecting that history to the traditionally published series you’re Not Connected SAS To Not At All….

But.

Judd is over 150 years old.

He lived through some of America and Canada's worst racial discrimination, discrimination which would have affected him and his habitus and the way he moves through the world. He’s a gay Black man, and his gayness and his Blackness does not appear to affect how he interacts with the world at all. The police are called at the beginning and he’s OKAY ABOUT IT? AS A BLACK MAN? He basically says, “Thank God, the cops are here.”

You had a BLACK MALE CHARACTER SAY THAT when we’ve had a nationwide conversation since 2013, a conversation that has been reignited in the past three months?

Like????

And I was willing—perhaps whitely and naively—to give Gail the benefit of the doubt with Soap/Phineas. E&E was written in 2011, before Black Lives Matter was founded, before we began to have this nationwide reckoning with how Black and brown folks are treated systematically and especially by police violence. These conversations were definitely being had in 2011, but they were seen as fringe discussions and not necessarily part of the mainstream narrative as it is today.

However. It’s not 2011. It’s 2020.

It’s been 7 years since BLM was founded, and there have been countless discussions happening about racism and systematic issues in publishing and with white writers writing Black characters since that point.

Soap/Phineas has been mentioned or has cameo’d in The Custard Protocol and in Meat Cute. There’s been no conversation about his name or the way he has been described  And both he and Judd fall into the Caring-POC-Partner trope which has been discussed very heavily in romance circles and in ways I am not necessarily equipped to discuss in this post. But I will link to this post for everyone to read: https://medium.com/@ashiamonetb/queer-love-interests-of-color-and-the-white-gaze-8928b7b5e6ad

It’s 2020. These conversations have been being had, quite fervently, for many years, so there’s absolutely no excuse with how Judd is approached or treated in this book.

And here’s the CRUX of all this.

This book isn’t even really about Judd.

It’s about Colin.

Even though Judd is on the cover of the book, in all of his objectified Black body goodness, the plot of the story is about Colin. It’s very much entrenched in Colin’s issues with his family and his identity. Judd is there to take care of Colin and ~guide~ him and ~teach~ him things. To protect him. To be sexy to him.

See the medium article above. See the conversation about objectification above.

So if this book is SO MUCH ABOUT COLIN, why is Judd on the cover?

Why is Judd naked and glistening and Black on the cover of the story about the trials and tribulations of a white twink?

…Do I really have to say it? Maybe I do. It’s racist.

It might not be intended that way, but it is.

And look. There were parts of this book that I found enjoyable. I am still a fan of Gail’s wit and the way she writes. I’m a sucker for the found family trope, which all of these books have, and I really like Trick and Marvin. I’ve been where Colin is. I’ve fucked around with my gender presentation and been scared to out and fabulous or be perceived a certain way because I present a certain way.

But I’m really frustrated and frankly ANGRY with the racist stereotypes and gay stereotypes present in this book. It doesn’t feel like this was sensitivity read at all, by anyone. The book feels like a culmination of racist and homophobic trends that make me feel that Gail hasn’t been paying attention or listening to the cultural reckoning happening nationwide or in publishing.

And yes, there is a lot of “don’t idolize authors” talk, but here’s the thing.

Gail isn’t some anonymous author to me, someone I can just cancel and be done with.

Gail is a mentor to me. We’ve hung out at multiple cons, shot the shit about publishing, and talked about queer shit together with. We aren’t close, but she’s a friend (liminal space, etc). She gets a Christmas card from me every year, she asks after my partner when we chat. We’ve been in each other’s orbits for TEN YEARS.

I have this entire sideblog dedicated to her books, for fucks sake.

So when I read shit like this, it makes me upset. This book is a pile of microaggressions that stacked into a macroagression. It’s insensitive, definitely hurtful, and feels exceptionally tone deaf (AT BEST) to have written and released this book.

She has people in her inner circle who could have caught this if we’d been allowed to read it before hand, if we’d been a part of the beta process. But we weren’t. And it shows.

Gail, this is a message directly for you: You talk a lot about supporting people. You reblog lots of #ownvoices work and have been plugging a lot of #ownvoices fiction. I know (or at least hope) you’re a good person.

SO WHAT HAPPENED?

Why is this book such a disaster?

Have you been listening at all?

And I get it, we all have things to learn and things to unlearn. As white ally, and as a member of the queer community, as someone in your inner circle and as a friend (liminal space!), I get it.

I’m also saying this isn’t ok.

This book that you’ve written is not okay. Not even a little bit.

Here’s the thing: you can fix it (or you can try). It’s gonna be hard and require difficult conversations and actions, but you can.

If you want to know more, if you want to talk: you know how to contact me. I’ll give you my number. We can email, Skype, Zoom, text, call, whatever. I know I’m not the only member of the Pigeons that feels this way. You have people here to help.

As for everyone else:

As might be apparent I have…a lot of feelings right now. I’ve loved these books for so long, made a friend (liminal space!) with the author through social media. Genevieve Lefoux, and Sidheag, and Aggie, and lots of other characters mean a lot to me. Gail’s books have helped me through hard times and hard places, and she’s influenced a lot of whom I am as a writer.

But right now having this blog, dedicated to all these books with this massive subthread of racism and stereotypes, feels…not great.

And I don’t know if I can continue to support Gail and continue to be a fan (and a friend) if she keeps up with this.

[ugly-crying-over-bucky-barnes]

Alfie takes a liking to one of his "bakers" sister. He starts to visit their house alot to talk to the brother. But really he is there cause he likes to watch her make the tea for them. He keeps trying to start a conversation with her but can only get short answers from her as she is a quiet kind of person. The brother can't figure out why Alfie is so interested to talk to him all the time. Ollie has figured it out though. I'd love if could get them to kiss.😘

//Sorry this took so long! 

             When Leora opened the door, Alfie immediately knew he was fucked. Instantly, he was met with a pair of deep brown eyes that held a bittersweet look to them. Alfie was usually the first to initiate conversation, gave him a bit of an edge. But he couldn’t seem to find the words.

            “Can I help you?”

            The least Ira could’ve done was warn him. Warn him that he lived with someone beautiful. A sister, or a wife, or a cousin, whatever she was, he could’ve warned Alfie.

            “Ira in?” It seemed to be all Alfie could muster in the presence of such a dark-eyed beauty.

            “He is, you must be his boss.” She suddenly averted her eyes. Realizing Alfie Solomons was at her door.

            “Yeah.”

            “Well, come in.” Leora let him inside. “He’s probably upstairs. I’ll be right back; you can wait in the kitchen if you’d like.”

            Alfie cleared his throat and instinctually tapped a finger against the Mezuzah by the door. He’d need God to see him through this trial. He made his way down the narrow hall to the tiny kitchen. It was a typical flat in Camden. Rundown, small, damp sometimes. But the family seemed to be getting along just enough. That was the perks of working for Alfie, you could actually survive. Other jobs in London just put you more in debt.

            He was there on business. Normally, he wouldn’t go to an employee’s house unless they were in huge trouble and avoiding him. But on the case of Ira, he needed the young man for a special task.

            Ira came downstairs quickly so he wouldn’t make his boss wait long. Only twenty-three, he was looking to move on up in the world. Sometimes that meant having to do some dirty work for unholy men. If his parents were alive, they would be so displeased.

            “Sir,” Ira greeted Alfie.

            “Ira, mate, good to see you.”

            “I’m glad you can trust me for this.”

            Alfie rolled his eyes. “No need to be a kiss-ass, Ira. Just sit so we can discuss business.” His gruff tone lightened a little when Leora entered the kitchen. She made herself like a fly on the wall, just making tea.

            “Lee, can you go upstairs?” Ira urged.

            “S’alright. Family’s family. No secrets ‘tween family.” Alfie assured him. “You can go ‘bout your life, love.”

            She looked a little hesitant, glancing at her younger brother. Ira gave her a nod, not going to go against Alfie. So, she went back to putting on the kettle.

            But, Alfie wasn’t going to say much in front of Leora. He wanted her to think it wasn’t a big deal that he was there. He didn’t want her worrying and causing a fuss. “I’ll pay ya well, half upfront. Do it well and your pay will go up too.”

            Ira nodded. He’d already been notified of his job offer. A ploy to run some of Sabini’s bookies off the tracks at Epsom later that month. It was a dangerous job, but Ira felt he had no other choice. “That sounds good, sir.”

            “Easy operation. Nothing to worry about.” Alfie tried not to keep glancing over at Leora.    She moved like a timid little mouse around the kitchen. Hardly making a noise. When the kettle whistled, she poured two cups and placed them on the table.

            “Thanks, love.”

            She didn’t say anything in response, just smiled slightly, and left the kitchen.

            “So, that’s your sister or something?” Alfie asked.

            “Yeah. It’s just been the two of us since our parents died. She took care of me for so long so I guess I’m trying to return the favor.” Ira admitted.

            He nodded. “Good, that’s good. Right thing to do.” He agreed, gaining a bit more respect for the young man he didn’t know very well. “You have a gun?”

            “No, sir.”

            “Right, I’ll get you one and bring you it tomorrow. Drop by around dinner time tomorrow.”

            “Oh, you could just give it to me at work tomorrow.” Ira pointed out.

            “No, ain’t got time to do it tomorrow.” Alfie stood up. “Bring it here later.” Of course, he had time to give a gun to him at work. But he needed an excuse to return to see Leora.

 ~~~~~~~~

            He did, and he continued to think of excuses, a credit to his wits. But it seemed like the only person who noticed, was Leora. Ira was just glad Alfie was trusting him so didn’t take offense to Alfie dropping by for seemingly no good reason.

            But much to Alfie’s surprise, Leora, didn’t seem to mind. Every time he came around, she made her and Ira tea then left. She never said much. Even when Alfie began to include her in conversation. She gave very brief answers but didn’t seem to be offended. She often gave him a small smile whenever he addressed her. Especially if he called her ‘love’.

                Around Alfie’s fifth visit, Ira had yet to return home from the butcher. Alfie wasn’t sure if Leora practiced yichud law, meaning they couldn’t be alone together because they were unrelated and of the opposite sex.

            But Leora let him in. “Leave the door unlocked.” She requested in her usually quiet tone.

            “Sure.” Alfie knew the various loopholes to yichud law, including an unlocked door. “Ira’ll be back soon I'm assuming?”

            “He should be. Can I make you something while you wait?”

            “Sure, love, tea’s fine.” Alfie followed her into the kitchen. “How’s everything going with you?”

            “Very nice, thank you.” She answered in her usual, polite but brief manner.

            He sat down and gave her an amused look. “You don’t say much, do you?”

            She laughed softly. “I’m sorry.”

            “No need to apologize. Some people are just like that. Some people tell me that I can’t shut me mouth sometimes.” He grinned. "Call me a nuisance." 

            “Well, some people are just like that.” She echoed him and set down a teacup in front of him.

            “There anything you like to talk about?” He wondered, trying to get past her shy barrier.

            She sheepishly shrugged. “I don’t know, nothing too interesting.”

            “Bollocks, you know that’s not true. Everyone’s got interests. Books? Going to the pictures?”

            She giggled and shrugged again. “I enjoy going to the museum.” She finally disclosed. “I’m not much of an artist but I can appreciate it.”

            It seemed to suit Leora. He could picture her roaming the large halls of a museum, a small figure amongst the large canvases.

            “Erm…can I take you to the National Gallery?” The question sprung from Alfie, and it even surprised him.

            Leora’s eyes widened. She had noticed Alfie taking a liking to her. And she felt the same way. But she wasn’t sure it would ever amount to anything. She thought she would be too shy to say anything and he never seemed like the man who enjoyed being in a relationship. “I-I don’t know.”

            “Sorry, it was forward of me to ask.” Alfie hid his wince from her.

            “I suppose…I suppose we could. Maybe on a rainy day, when you’re not busy.”

            “So, you would?”

            “I think that would be nice.” It was probably the most daring thing Leora had ever done in her life. But it strangely felt right.

            The front door opened and Ira came in. “Sorry, Mr. Solomons, I know I’m late.”

            “S’alright, mate, everything’s alright.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~

            One rainy Sunday, Alfie pardoned himself from work without any reason. Ollie asked but was kindly told to mind his own fucking business. He drove to pick Leora up so they wouldn’t have to walk in the rain to the National Gallery.

            Alfie held the umbrella above them both as they walked into the gallery. Leora didn’t say much but she seemed very pleased to be going to the museum.        

            “We can go wherever you want first,” Alfie said as he shook the umbrella out once they were inside.

            “Oh, okay.” Leora smiled shyly. “Well, I suppose I could show you one of my favorite pieces.”

            “Lead the way.”

                       The large canvas appeared to only be a painting of a port. An ancient port, upon further inspection. But Leora let him stand in silence, viewing the piece before she offered any explanation.

            Alfie wasn’t completely baffled by art. He could understand high culture and liked to think he was learned. But sometimes he wasn’t sure what he was looking for if no one pointed it out to him.

            “So, what am I looking at?” He peered at the little information plaque.

            The Embarkation of the Queen of Sheba

            Claude Lorrain

            “This shows the Queen of Sheba leaving to visit King Solomon,” Leora answered. “From the Book of Kings.”

            “Oh, right. That’s right.” He could vaguely remember the story.

            “There she is, waiting for the ship.” She pointed out the small figure among the large landscape.

            Alfie tilted forward a bit. “Oh yeah, can see her now. Sorta gets lost, don’t she? Lot going on.”

            “That’s why I like the piece so much. I see something new every time I see it.”

            “What’s your favorite part of it?” Alfie wondered, almost too overwhelmed with all the detail to pick out anything.

            “Up there.” Leora had an immediate answer. “Above the queen, the statues on the building. They seem to be seeing her off.”

            “Huh, yeah.” Alfie found what she was talking about on the right side of the painting. “They’re looking with the people up there.”

            “It’s a nice little detail.”

            Alfie glanced over at her. Seeing her looking at the painting was like seeing someone watching the sunset. There was a fond familiarity, but also adoration of its beauty. “So, I hope I haven’t been intruding on your house.”

            “It’s okay. I know you’ve been talking to Ira often.”

            “Initially, yeah, but I dunno.” Alfie rubbed the back of his neck. “Call it foolish but I just wanted to see you.” He admitted. It felt like a sacred place for her, a place where he couldn’t lie to her.

            “Was there any reason?” Leora didn’t even pretend to be surprised.

            “Call it a sense. You just seemed,” He waved a hand about to try and find the words. “A good contrast to me. That’s what people look for, ain’t it?”

            “I suppose.” She smiled.

            “Opposites attract.”

            “They seem to. I was worried about you at first.” It was the first impression she ever divulged to him. The first opinion. “I’d heard about you.”

            “I’m sure.” He couldn’t deny the stories people told about him. Whether they were true or not, it didn’t matter.

            “But I saw for myself who you are.”

            Alfie was surprised that she saw something different in him. Maybe she was mistaken? “I ain’t good.”

            Leora nodded. “Most people aren’t. But most people don’t admit that they aren’t.”

            “So that changes your view of me?” He asked doubtfully.

            “Do you not see any good in you?” She inquired.

            He pondered the question for a moment, looking at her like she was a painting that held so many different little details. “I see some good when I see you.”

            “That’s all that matters to me.” She stepped closer to him and lightly touched his chest. “So you can kiss me now if you’d like.”

            God, Alfie couldn’t resist. He tilted his head to press his lips to hers, completely losing all sense of the art gallery around them. They didn’t need to communicate with many words. And that felt fine to them.

[ckret2]

Serizawa: let them fight Serizawa: now... let them fuck Phff and to think this is mark’s idea (just to tell you I love how you wrote mark... lots of people hate him me I love him cause he trying to be a dad and just be there for his kid..he trying to fix his relationship)

Mark refuses to take responsibility for this idea. It's all on Serizawa now.

I'm not a big fan of Mark personally, but it's got nothing to do with how he's trying to be a dad. More to do with the fact that he's shown as inserting himself into discussions between people who are experts in their fields—people who, in many scenes, are largely POC and women—and then proceeds to talk over them (or shout over them), presenting himself like he knows everything and they know nothing despite the fact that he hasn't worked in their field for five years. And then this outsider white dude who should not know as much as the people he's talking over is almost invariably shown as right.

Plus the plot makes both him and the people around him go out of character just to give him more opportunities to be right while everyone else is wrong—i.e., Mark "let's kill them all" Russell advising against pointing guns at Godzilla while Serizawa "let's be Godzilla's pet" Ishiro apparently had no issues pointing weapons at Godzilla until Mark spoke up. Sure they made up a justification in-scene for Mark to take that stance; but they could have given a similar justification to Serizawa, Godzilla's #1 Fan instead. There's no reason not to give it to Serizawa except that they wanted to give Mark an opportunity to look smarter than everyone in the room who have actually been working with Godzilla the last five years.

And on top of that, the "alpha wolf" theory that the writers made Mark the spokesman of throughout the movie is based on a single flawed study that was debunked almost as soon as it was published, and the theory has had a broadly harmful effect both in zoology and on human sociology ever since—but the writers made Mark right about this bogus alpha theory, too.

So that's why I'm not a fan of him.

But his whole "angry protective dad driven by love for his child and guilt over not being there for her" shtick? I'm cool with that. It's a solid character base.

And generally as a writer I feel like, it's okay to not like a canon character, but it's disrespectful/disingenuous to write the character like you don't like them. You've gotta get in their head and treat them with dignity anyway. You've gotta write the people who like them like they actually like them. You can't turn them into a parody of themself just to vent your own distaste for them.

Plus, rather than treating a character (or plot, or trope) that I don't like even worse than it actually is, I tend to prefer rewriting them in a way I do like. And most of my gripes with Mark don't have to do with his characterization ("angry white man who talks over other people and acts like he's an unquestionable authority on a topic he's actually completely wrong about," okay, that's a realistic flawed character that DEFINITELY exists in the real world) but rather with the fact that the writers seemed unconscious of the fact that those ARE flaws and instead rewarded him with being treated as the authority he thinks he is and with being right about almost everything. All you've really gotta do to fix the issues with Mark is treat those flaws like flaws. Which means don't let him be right about everything, occasionally have people around him correct him on his strongly-held but wrong beliefs, have his pigheadedness sometimes come back to bite him, and maybe have him occasionally have a bit of character growth as he slowly learns to listen to other people rather than simply talk over them.

So that's what I went with. And if one of Mark's fans likes how I wrote him even though I'm not a big fan of him personally, that probably means I hit the characterization balance I was aiming for!

Anyway, whenever I need to go "UGH Mark is wrong about EVERYTHING and he NEVER listens to anyone else," I can write Xochitl. That's half of what I made her for, lmao.

[rhysdigsgraves]

ɪɴᴛʀᴏᴅᴜᴄɪɴɢ .... ♥ the boy ♥ !

who is also known as » the stress baker, the avid room redecorator, the nail biter, the darkroom shutin, or the one needs to stop leaving so many dirty fucking cups of half drank tea by his bed 

𝓫𝓪𝓼𝓲𝓬𝓼 !

NAME: Rhyland Delorm NICKNAMES: Rhy ( common ), baby love ( thx mom ), dumbass ( tinder :/ )  AGE:  Twenty-One GENDER: Cis!male SEXUALITY: Pansexual  YEAR & MAJOR: Third year, Film and Media 

𝓺𝓾𝓲𝓬𝓴 𝓯𝓪𝓬𝓽𝓼 !

QUIRKS: nail biting, walks on his tiptoes too often, can’t finish a book, always sits straight up like his back isn’t allowed to touch the back of a couch or something, always pacing   HOBBIES: photography, thinks he can eventually learn bass, baking, really obsessed with paint by numbers and puzzles FAVORITE PLACE: cinemas  ACADEMIC TYPE: gets the energy to do all his school work done right away, then does half of it and procrastinates the rest until the day before assuming it isn’t a photo assignment that he enjoys  LIKES: tea (he makes time for afternoon tea every day), collecting vinyls, shopping online, coffee cake, shoes, class discussions and critiques, gundman model kits, photoshoots with friends, making out DISLIKES: hot weather, opening up, people raising their voice, brightly colored clothes, sugary coffee, honey, grade reports, math, going to bars/clubs    VICES: beer, weed, dabbles with psychedelics but not much in the school year, sex  SCARS & BIRTHMARKS: there’s a scar on his left knee that is white/pinkish with an indent from where a school friend accidentally shot him with spray pellets from a bb gun when he was seven. he has a large birthmark next to his belly button and another just above his hip bone LANGUAGES SPOKEN: English and a good amount of French, but not as fluently. 

𝓫𝓲𝓸𝓰𝓻𝓪𝓹𝓱𝔂 !

HIS MOTHERS SING-SONG VOICE, ELABORATE DINNER PARTIES, AND A CONSTANT CHANGING FLUX OF MAIDS AND NANNIES are all hallmarks of Rhy’s upbringing. His mother and father had a happy relationship. They were very much in love, and titans of social gatherings; a true power couple. Below the surface of this, however, they had a different understanding. His father probably was never meant to be monogamous with anyone, despite how much he loved his wife. He had no interest in forming romantic relationships with other women. They agreed that this was fine, his father was allowed to have other women. This was something Rhy was never informed of but witnessed the effects of growing up. Whenever his mother decided her husband was getting too close to one of the maids or nannies, they were fired and a new one sent in. The house staff was constantly changing because of this. Rhyland also witnessed dozens of women come through is life, specifically when his mother was off to France to be with her family or on vacations. They’d shower him with gifts and candy to make him feel safe while they got to play house with his father for a couple days. 

None of this inherently served to ruin his childhood. He was his mothers child, or her only baby, and the light of her life. Rhyland spent most of his free time tucked away in the corner silently playing and watching her conduct her life. He’d follow her around all day. His favorite were days when his mother would take to baking for a ladies event or just for fun, and he could help her out. This is where his love for baking comes from. Watching his mom mathematically prepare recipes with an efficient hand still never fails to elate him. His father is much more strange to him -- he’s never been close to him. His old man talks to him like it’s business; making sure he’s on the honor roll, that he appears the way he wants, or that he’s going to be wealthy and independent. He makes it very clear when Rhyland is doing something he doesn’t find satisfactory. The two have had their moments; from the sex talk, his first beer with him at sixteen, to restoring an old car without much communication but the feeling of mutual respect. 

IN SOMEWAYS, IT’S EASY TO HIDE WHO YOU ARE IN A BIG HOUSE.

Rhyland grew to be very independent very quickly; still interested in what his mother was doing, but more capable of busying himself after school. His bedroom was on the complete opposite side of the house from his parents, who were home less and less as he grew up, and that served him well. He could be whoever he wanted for most of the time. For example, he was never caught smoking in his room -- though perhaps his mother, a much more liberal woman, chose not to smell it on her son when he’d come down for dinner or to watch tv with her. His father had more and more “business trips” to take part in and cared very little for his sons life, only stopping him occasionally to make sure he was doing the right thing. Rhyland began to catch on to his fathers lifestyle by accident. Some nights he’d tiptoe downstairs for water just to stop in the hallway and hear his mothers strained voice asking him to come home, or find his mother sleeping on the couch watching old French movies more often than ever. It was clear something was strained. He put together the pieces himself; a rather smart boy. It sort of broke his heart, if only for his mother. Though nothing ever happened about it, and it wasn’t something anyone was allowed to talk about, so the intrigue faded. 

It’s more than likely he developed his lack of ability to form romantic relationships from his parents. He can make friends, as he gets this depth of warmness from his mothers love, but he can’t make it past that. If he is going to be involved with someone it is purely sexual. He has an inability to open up to people (aside from one or two very close friends), and it makes it hard fro him to form certain bonds. When it comes to being a friend he can be great though. He has an emphatic heart. His love language is giving what he can, small surprises, treats, hugs if that’s what they want. Sometimes it’s just giving his friends a safe space. 

Though opposite of that he is simply a man who cannot take his own advice. He keeps much of himself locked up. It of course comes out in different ways, from an inability to clean his room for a couple of weeks, to constant hookups, not wanting to be around people for days, getting high just to sleep at night... the list goes on. 》𝕠𝕦𝕥 𝕠𝕗 𝕔𝕙𝕒𝕣𝕒𝕔𝕥𝕖𝕣, what i’d like to get across is that there is a deep inner angst within Rhyland, but for now it is relatively unexplored. It could pop up in a number of ways but I’d prefer to explore it within the game rather than trying to type it all out and make it seem like I’m typecasting the fucker timmy played in lady bird or something, because that’d really boring. he’s introverted but he’s not necessarily that doesn’t like to hang around parties; in fact, when it comes to having a “good time”, Rhyland can push it too far, but that makes more sense to explain in game than out. I’m very bad at bios. :)