#like what happened to my pale pre-roasted chicken

[captainmartin20]

[kaibuntsu]

The Dragon of No Words - #2

Word count: 5112

Warning: Gorey violence.

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Divider: Freepik

     Emrys woke up to some soreness in his legs. He silently complained about it, until the images of some humongous creature trying to eat him flashed in his mind. Oh yeah...that happened. He thought that was just a really vivid absurd nightmare about him escaping his family's legacy or something.

     He got up, fighting the soreness, unwilling to bend to its pleas, and headed towards the kitchen. A deep rumbling sound stopped him in the hallway, coming from the guest room across his own bedroom. Eyebrow raised, he peeked inside the guest room.

     Ah, yes. Another thing he forgot that happened yesterday.

     A giant eight feet tall dragon was sleeping on his stomach, with the mattress dragged from the iron bed frame down to the floor, probably to prevent his long legs from dangling off the frame. The way he slept and his all-black coloration made him look like a gigantic mutant sea urchin that swayed gently every time he breathed and snored. It certainly was a funny sight.

     Emrys' lips twisted to a small smile and decided to leave him asleep. He continued to the kitchen and checked his fridge to see what he could make. There was a lack of meat in his fridge, not even some seafood. Avi seemed to prefer meat, and honestly, from his looks alone, he couldn't be anything else but a carnivore. Also he ate a lot. Normally, whenever Emrys cooked meatloaf, he would have most of it to spare as leftovers that could feed him for days. Last night, Avi finished them all clean. The whole tin. Gone. A big carnivorous ice-and-fire-breathing monster needs a large meal. Go figure.

     "Well then, I guess I have to hit the farmer's market," Emrys sighed. He should have been able to surmise that the food expenses would spike when he offered Avi the job.

     By the time Emrys came back home from the market, Avi was already awake. In his hands were two avocados. Emrys blinked in confusion as he set down his bags of groceries. "Huh..." he croaked. "I thought you only eat meat?" he asked the dragon.

     Avi shook his head before plopping one avocado into his long toothy snout. There was a series of loud munching, much louder than normal chewing an avocado should sound. Emrys kept watching while he rummaged his groceries; he just couldn't help but study this odd creature. But the longer he watched, the more he noticed that Avi was having a lot more trouble with the avocado than he thought. Not too long after, the dragon's tongue unrolled from inside his snout, its end curling around a circular object. The avocado seed.

     Emrys' eyes widened, not sure if he was more surprised by Avi's ability to remove the seed from his mouth or by how long and prehensile his tongue was. His amazement turned into disgust, however, when Avi dropped the seed straight to the trash bin and raised the other avocado to his mouth. He rushed to the dragon and took the avocado from his hands, to his protest. "Let me teach you how to serve yourself an avocado, okay? Watch."

     He took a small kitchen knife from the drawer and began cutting the avocado in half, circling around the seed inside. His cut was very clean and smooth, and he made it very easy to dispose the seed that Avi chirruped at the spectacle. Emrys wasn't done with just cutting the fruit in half; he set aside one half and scooped out the meat of the fruit from its skin with surgeon-like precision, further impressing the dragon. He made a purring sound that was in the same note as when someone says, "Ooh!" His vocal reaction stroked Emrys' ego a small bit.

     "Here you go. Catch!" He tossed the skinned and deseeded fruit to the air. There was a split second of regret, he probably should not have done that. He would hate to see a good avocado go to waste. To his relief, however, Avi's snout caught them without fail. "Nice catch," he complimented, walking back to his groceries. Avi decided to help out, surprising Emrys yet again with good manners. Would it be too soon to say he didn't regret his decision yesterday? He shall see later on.

     He took out a pre-made roast chicken that he bought from the market. If Avi could finish a whole tin of meatloaf, he was positive he could eat an entire chicken by himself. "I have no time to make a full breakfast for us, so here's yours," Emrys handed the chicken to his new employee. "I have a deal to make later today, so you better be at your best. We'll be seeing my father again."

     Avi simply grunted at the mention of Eamon; the man still left some bitter taste in his mouth, but he obliged. He sat at the dining table, his tail slipping through the gap at the back of his chair, and was about to take out the chicken from its packing when he noticed the price tag on the meal. He hummed in acknowledgment and began wolfing down the poultry while his boss ate next to him. Emrys couldn't help but studying the way he carefully ripped the poultry's parts even though he could easily chomp the whole thing. It wasn't pristine, but Avi was surprisingly tidy with his table manners, even if he never used cutleries. He was so...civilized. Very unlike the monsters that attacked yesterday, or the other monsters that attacked his clients in the past.

     Even Avi's body structure was very different. The monsters that he had seen attacking and eating people were very horrific, yesterday's monsters alone were very animalistic. Avi still had the beast aspect to him, but he looked closer to a human but with his four-fingered hands and clawed feet. Emrys' brain began tickling the ideas of his new employee's background, how he ended up in that small container inside another bigger container. He was constructing a hypothetical scenario, despite his very limited knowledge of space travels, when he looked at the clock and remembered that he had an appointment to go to in a few hours.

     The hypothesizing will have to continue later on...

     The arms dealer was quick to wash himself and was clean and ready to go within less than thirty minutes. He headed towards the door and suddenly froze. He totally forgot the hassle of sneaking Avi into his apartment. He hesitantly turned to the dragon, mouth opening and closing as he struggled to find the words to relay to his employee. "Um...can I trust you to not cause a racket going downstairs?" he asked.

     The spikes on Avi's back shifted and straightened up, a low hum rumbled from his chest. He turned towards the window and opened it, his head turning to look around the environment. He looked back to Emrys and pointed downward. The human raised an eyebrow and walked over next to the dragon so he could see what he was pointing at.

     Nothing in particular. Just the empty, dark back alley of his apartment building.

     "You'll jump out to the back alley? I know this isn't a very tall building, but wouldn't you break your knees landing that hard?"

     Avi shook his head, and initially, Emrys thought he meant his knees will be fine, but then Avi spread his hands on the nearest wall and started crawling on it like a gecko. Once his entire body was hugging the wall, he released his hands, and his feet effortlessly kept him adhered to the surface. Then it all clicked to him; Avi did not have to jump down, he could just crawl or walk or even run on the wall. Jumping would have aroused suspicion from residents that faced the same back alley, but if he crawled on the wall, no one would notice. It was genius—and awfully convenient.

     "Oh, I guess I can park my van closer to the back alley exit." Then he gasped, "I can smuggle bigger weapons easier now!" He was washed with a momentary rush of excitement, but he had to fan them down and focus on the task at hand. "Okay, you wait here. I'll take the van out. Wait for my signal."

     Emrys left quickly to the parking lot while Avi waited on the balcony still. It only took a short few minutes until his red-haired head popped out of the back alley exit and waved at the dragon. Avi took an extra precaution to not walk or run on the wall, sticking with the gecko style of wall climbing. Then the two were off to the harbor. Avi's first day at work was about to begin.

     Avi enjoyed the sea air hitting against his face, he let out his tongue flailing about in the winds.

     Emrys...his face was buried inside a large plastic barrel, his pale skin was ghostlike. Every so often, the sound of his soul leaving his body would come out from his mouth, along with his breakfast from yesterday.

     "Remind me again how you're my son?" Eamon groaned, eyes not leaving the yacht's windshield.

     "You fucked—hrrk—my mother!"

     "Oh, right. Good point. Still, your sisters handled the waves just fine and they're all girly girls! What are you even, lad?" Eamon shook his head, chuckling to himself. Unbeknownst to him, behind him, Emrys shot him a bitter look. Suddenly, Avi burst into his view, towering over his short stature and baring his teeth towards him. Eamon screeched but his hands refused to leave the steering wheel, his seafarer life had taught him to keep steering the ship even when danger is right in front of his face. "What the fuck do you want?!"

     Emrys retched some more before raising a hand to signal the growling black dragon in front of his father. "It's alright, Avi..." he commanded through a heavy wheeze. "Stand down. Go enjoy the sea air again like you've been doing before."

     Avi left the captain's view, snorting at his face one last time before retreating to sit as comfortably as his tailed rump could do next to his boss. His head tilted slightly towards the hunched over Emrys, then faint red lights ignited from the crevices of his body. He placed a large black hand on Emrys' back and slowly and gently rubbed him, to his boss' surprise.

     "What are you..." Emrys almost protested, but he was quick to realize the high temperature Avi was emanating. It wasn't very high that it was searing hot, but he certainly was warmer than when they shook hands the day before. The temperature that came out of him reminded him of his electric heating blanket he uses every winter. It was soothing. It made him forgot that he was miserable and seasick seconds before. "Thanks..." he muttered.

     Avi purred and nodded in response.

     It was another thirty minutes until Emrys could feel a rush of relief from his ordeal. A bigger ship was afloat in the middle of the open ocean. A man waved a flag to signal Eamon and his crew from the starboard of the ship. Eamon turned the wheel, prompting the vessel to make a turn before stopping side by side with the other bigger ship. The crew threw the anchor while the crew of the ship across prepared a waterproof-painted plank for their guests to walk on.

     Avi's larger than life presence made the other ship's crew almost slipped and fell into the sea from the sheer shock of seeing him. Every time a person squawked or gasped, Avi made a heavy chuffing noise, and Emrys had no idea why but it was interesting to see it happen every time someone got spooked.

     "Welcome, my friends—aaaaaahhh bozhe—!" the host of the other ship yelled as he watched the black dragon hunched over the doorway into his luxurious office in the middle of his deceptively drab-looking ship.

     "It's okay, Mikhail, the giant lizard's with us. Well, with my son, more specifically..." Eamon explained, peeking over his shoulder in case Avi was to growl at him for calling him a lizard. Avi did nothing, but the old pirate could sense the death stare from that eyeless face.

     The Russian crime lord panted, eyes wide staring at the dragon who stood at the other end of the room, behind his young boss. His eyes darted from the hulking monstrosity to the two Irish men he invited, back and forth. Eamon had a more exasperated look to him, like he was thinking he knew this sort of thing would happen, while his red-haired son simply smiled. "You sure...?" he squeaked.

     "Oh, yes. He'll only attack if you attack first. I hired him as my bodyguard, after all," Emrys said. He crossed his legs in his seat and leaned back. "So, shall we discuss business? How will my wares serve your needs?"

     While his boss and the crime lord were discussing, Avi listened. The crime lord would go on tangents about his feats. One time he and his men did this, one time they did that, one time he got caught doing this and that to escape, and on and on. Avi would pretend to yawn, exposing his rows of teeth, and caused Mikhail to imagine what would happen if a mad scientist cross-breed a goblin shark with a fangtooth moray eel. The sight alone made him forget what he was rambling about, until Emrys brought the conversation back on track again. At which point, Avi's tail swished side to side slowly.

     As amusing as it was to intimidate the crime lord with his presence, something else in this deceptive Russian vessel disturbed him. It was faint at first, but the longer he stayed inside this vessel, he started to catch a hint. He heard mutterings of the crew from outside the door. They were all speaking in Russian, but he didn't need to be fluent in that language to notice the concern in their voices. He kept catching one word being repeated a few times: the name Sergei. Whatever was concerning these people had something to do with this Sergei person. Avi made a low whining sound to turn Emrys' attention to him.

     The red-haired arms dealer turned in his seat, mild annoyance in his green eyes. "What is it? I told you not to disturb me."

     Avi simply pointed at the door while making short grunting noises.

     "You want to go outside?"

     Avi nodded.

     "The ship's getting too cramped for your style, isn't it? Alright, fine. Mister Mikhail, would you be so kind to alert your people not to shoot at my personnel. Not that I'm afraid of losing him, but for your people's sake."

     The crime lord grimaced and alerted his men not to attack a bipedal black dragon when they see him and to just politely tell him off in case he gets near a restricted area. He also mentioned that the dragon understands English. Once he finished alerting his men, he received an approving nod from both Emrys and the dragon. Avi, however, added a warning glance to Mikhail. "I-I promise I won't harm your master!" he blurted, sensing the sternness from Avi's eyeless face.

      "It's okay, Avi. This isn't my first time doing business with him. Besides, I got good ol' Dad by my side."

     Avi huffed, but soon left the room, spooking the guards outside the door for the second time. He whimpered slightly, feeling a little bad for leaving Emrys unguarded. It was his job to guard him, but he had to violate that agreement for a bit to ease the rattling suspicion he felt.

     The ship's interior was agonizingly restrictive. Avi was thankful he did not have very broad shoulders or else, coupled with how long his shoulder spikes were, he would have a very bad time moving around. At his situation currently, he was slim enough to fit through the tunnel that was the ship's interior. He could not say the same with his height, though. He had to hunch his body almost halfway to compensate the lack of vertical space and to avoid his horns scraping the lights off the ceiling.

     He moved further into the ship, enduring the claustrophobic torture. His heightened olfactory sense caught strange scents. He thought it may be just fish, until he remembered this ship was not a fishing ship. It definitely didn't smell human. He tried to follow the scent, which only lead him further down the ship, where the corridors got narrower. No one was watching over the passage downstairs, so he assumed it would be fine if he just wandered there. Mikhail had given him permission, after all, sort of.

     The odd smell was stronger once he set his feet on the lower decks. The only way was forward, so he continued following his nose's lead, which ended on a heavy bulkheaded door with a single round window. Avi hunched further so his face was on the same level as the window, a low purr rumbling from the center of his chest as he peeked curiously into the door. A tanned fist smacked onto the window glass; someone was inside and their face was pale with dread and pain.

     "Help me, please! It hurts! It hurts so much! Please!!" the person begged in Russian. Avi did not understand a single word the man said, but from his tone alone, he could sense the man was in great pain.

      Avi looked down to the man's other hand, clutching his chest tightly. The smell came from that area on his chest. His low purr turned into a subtle snarl and he backed away slowly.

     "No! No! Please don't leave—aaarkh!" The man's voice cut out before blood-curdling scream broke through his throat, and even the screams only lasted shortly before being replaced by other horrendous noises. Noises that made Avi's blood riling and his armor plates rattling. The dragon hissed, backing further away from the door.

     "Drakon! This area is off limits!" a crew member barked from the top of the stairs. He was a little afraid of Avi, seeing how he was hissing and growling, but then he heard the banging on the door where the agonized man was locked in. "Sergei? What is happening?" he asked, his fear of Avi's behavior dissipated momentarily. He climbed down the stairs to approach his crewmate, but Avi stopped him by hissing right at his face.

     At the sound of Avi's hissing, a screech came from Sergei's quarter, shocking the crew member. He stuttered, "S-Sergei?" but instead of an answer from his crewmate, a grotesque clawed hands smashed the small window on the bulkhead. It ripped the bulkhead apart like thin wood, revealing a creature like a mutated angler fish with long arms and legs. The crew member nearly tripped from fright, but Avi put him back on his feet, letting the man run while he braced his body to clash with the finned nightmare.

     The fish-like monster was smaller than Avi, but it was faster and more feral. It chose to ignore Avi and chase the human with mouth full of water, but the dragon stopped it, wrangling it by its neck and pinning it to the floor. Avi's body lights turned to red, hot air oozed out of his armored scales and his mouth. If he could overheat this creature without damaging the ship, it would be ideal. At least, until Emrys and his father evacuated to their yacht.

     The finned monster thrashed and scratched, its claws tore through Avi's less armored chest, drawing purple blood from his veins, but the dragon did not relent. He kept spiking his heat temperature, opening his mouth to show off the flames rising from inside his throat. The finned monster screeched and pushed Avi's jaws up, but its hands were then restrained by Avi's other hand and tail. The creature screeched and soon opened its own mouth. Torrents of water ran from its mouth and straight into Avi's fiery throat, throwing the dragon off guard as he choked. His hold loosened, allowing the vaguely humanoid fish monster to escape and began preying on people.

     Avi snarled, upset that he got played like a fool. The larger monster chased his smaller opponent, tackling it and crashing against walls. Frightened crew members pulled out their guns and started shooting, but all the bullets ricocheted off upon impact on either his or the fish monster's skin. Some of the bullets were returned to their shooters, causing more casualty than there were supposed to be. Emrys, Eamon, and their Russian crime lord associate soon came out of the main office only to witness the quarrel between the two monsters, one of which, upon noticing them, scrambled its way with wide-opened mouth. Avi hopped onto the smaller monster's back, sinking his blade-like teeth into the fish's shoulder.

     Emrys watched the two monsters thrashed and wrestled against each other—the smaller one kept clawing Avi's snout and head until it left bloody marks. Avi dragged his opponent outside, far away from his employer. As he forced his opponent to fight outside, Mikhail's bodyguards followed them with a large bazooka in their hands. Seeing one of the men just pulled a weapon that big out of somewhere in the ship caused an anxious stir inside Emrys' belly.

     "Get ready to fire!" the bodyguards exclaimed, aiming the weapon at the two quarreling monsters.

     "Avi, incoming!" Emrys bellowed, forcing his throat to make the loudest voice he had ever produced. That will render him voiceless for the rest of the week.

     Hearing his boss' warning, Avi heaved the smaller monster, still clamped in his snout, and forced it to shield him from the oncoming bazooka. The projectile rocketed towards them; it hit them with such a great force they were sent flying to the ocean. Avi could feel the heat of the explosion and the shrapnels from the warhead hitting his face, but it was exactly the kind of force he needed. With the opponent stunned from the impact, Avi sank his teeth one more time and gnashed the beast's neck off as his spiky back crashed into the cold sea water.

      Emrys ignored the fact that part of the ship was burning from the explosion earlier and ran over to the side of the ship. His jade eyes scanned the waters, looking for signs of his black draconic companion. "Oh God, what if he can't swim..." he muttered to himself. The longer he searched, the more his worry turned into panic, and he started pacing to look for a ring buoy when the sea's surface crashed from the underside.

     Avi sprang out of the cold salt water, red ethereal-looking energy blasting from the spikes on his back. He landed on the ship safely, though his knees gave out the moment his feet touched the firm surface of the ship. He dropped the two separated pieces of the fish monster by his side before falling on all fours, wheezing and coughing out the sea water from his systems. The energy that was blasting from his back dissipated, along with the lights from the crevices of his armor.

     Emrys hurried to the dragon's side, reluctant to touch him from how much heat wave he could felt just inches away from him. "Jesus, you're all hurt," he said. He eyed the gashes across Avi's face and chest, noticing for the first time the color of his blood. "Your blood...is purple.... Huh."

     Avi grabbed the head of his now dead opponent and tossed it to the direction of where Eamon and Mikhail were. The two older men squealed at the decapitated head thrown at them that they jumped to each other's arms for protection. Avi pointed a finger at one of them, at the Russian crime lord, specifically. It was up to Emrys to interpret what Avi wanted to say.The red-head scratched his head. "You think the monster has anything to do with Mikhail?" he asked. The dragon nodded weakly, shifting position to sitting down. Emrys turned to his associate, a questioning look on his face.

     "I don't know anything about this...thing!" Mikhail retorted, trying not to look at the gaping monster head splayed in front of his toes.

     "Well, Avi definitely thinks so. Where did this creature come from anyway?" Emrys asked.

     "S-Sergei's room," a shaken crewmate chimed in. A look of fear still lingered on his face from the time Avi pulled him away from the initial attack. "It—it came from Sergei's room. Sergei's gone," the man continued to stammer.

     Emrys' look of confusion continued to intensify as he pressed on. "Okay, alright, why don't we start from the beginning? No, you start from the beginning. Our lives were nearly lost and according to my bodyguard, I think, you've been keeping it all along."

     "No! I swear I don't know anything about this creature!" Mikhail defended. "S-Sergei is one of my men. H-hired him a few years ago, he's a sickly guy, said he escaped some shady facility somewhere in the middle of Siberia! I swear! That's what he told me!" Mikhail's shaking worsened that he needed support. His bodyguards lead him to the nearest chair before leaving to assess the damage caused by the monster duel. "I don't know... I really don't know..."

     Avi growled but only briefly. Now that the threat was gone, he could focus on his injuries. Only now did he realize how much the claw marks sting. His body ignited red again, his body temperature rose dramatically that Emrys had to move away from him because of how uncomfortable the heat he generated was. However, from the heat, something amazing happened. The bleeding slowed down and the cuts sewed themselves close gradually. The healing stopped once the first layer of skin closed the wounds and Avi's body temperature dropped to an acceptable level.

     "Wow..." Emrys gasped. "You're so full of surprises."

     Avi purred appreciatively, waving his tail left and right, but Emrys could see the dragon seemed less energetic than when he woke up this morning. He placed a hand on Avi's spiky shoulder as he stood up.

     "We'll go home soon, don't worry. There's just a teeny bit more business I need to attend to."

     "What do you mean? I thought you had a deal already?" Eamon said.

     "I did, and I was gonna leave it at that, but then something from his property damaged my one and only attendant."

     "But I told you I don't know anything about that monster!" Mikhail protested.

     "That doesn't hide the fact that the thing came out from one of your quarters, does it? Don't you feel the least bit responsible? If Avi hadn't fought as hard as he did, lord knows what would happen to your business when you're eaten by that bastard." Emrys approached the Russian crime lord, arms crossed and a smug grin on his face. "Five percent is enough, Mikhail."

     The Russian crime lord gritted his teeth, insulted by the young arms dealer's gall to manipulate him like this, yet at the same time powerless to fight back. The terrifyingly large black dragon of his just survived a bazooka shot unscathed. The injuries he got were caused by a fellow monster, not one of his weapons. He glanced to Avi, considering his options. "Fine. I do owe you one," the crime lord grumbled. He called one of his bodyguards, spoke something to him in Russian, and sent him away. He then turned to Eamon, "Your child is a real talker. Worthy successor, Eamon."

     "Not much of a sea leg, though," the elderly pirate groaned. Emrys' lower eyelid twitched at the discussion.

     "Well, if you don't want him, I'll take him. My business will flourish with him at the helm."

     Emrys suppressed a distasteful gritting of his teeth and stormed his way back to Avi's side. He simply sat sulking next to the dragon, his back facing the older men talking and teasing each other. It wasn't until his payment and the 'damage fee' was brought did he return with a smug look on his face. Yet, he did not intend to dawdle among these people. He did promise Avi they would go home.

     "Hey, correct me if I'm wrong, but I think I saw you flying," Emrys said, helping Avi up to his feet again. The dragon made a questioning grunt with his head tilted to the side, but he nodded. Emrys' grin grew. "Awesome! If you still have some energy left, can you fly me back to the van?"

     Avi nodded and let his ethereal wings flare to their fullest, showing Emrys its form more clearly. They had the general outline of bat wings, but were made of some energy current that weaved into lines and markings, giving them an almost runic look. They were the same as his 'eyes' that popped occasionally. Seeing how his powers work, Emrys could safely assume that the property of the wings reflected the elemental powers the dragon was using. Since both red and white colors were present, it would appear Avi was keeping them balanced this time around.

     "H-hold on!" Eamon's protest broke through the moment of wonder. "You can't stand a cruise on the yacht but you can handle flying?"

     Emrys shrugged. "Flying has better view. That's all." He turned to Avi again, eyeing him up and down. "So...should I climb on your back or—whoa!" Without cue, Avi went on ahead and picked his boss up with just one arm, carrying him like a toddler. Emrys' fingers tightened around the suitcase full of money while he coiled his arms around Avi's neck. His cheeks burned feeling the firm muscles acting as a seating cushion. He always knew Avi was strong—he had seen him tear two hostile monsters into two twice already—but being a receiver of his display of strength was an entirely unique experience.

     The dragon began flapping his wings, hitting the top of the ship with powerful air currents strong enough to even make it wobble. His feet gradually left the ground. He nodded at Eamon and everyone else, bidding his own version of farewell, before taking off with a booming flap of his wings. The sound of Emrys cheering from the speed he was taken was the last thing to be heard by everyone on the ships.

[juicecupswanqueen]

Prompt: pre-SQ. Emma helps Regina shop for Christmas dinner, which will be hosted at Regina's :)

I don’t know what compelled me to do this now, but I did this prompt.  So here is a little Christmas in April.  We could always use some cute Swan Queen scenes, right?

———-

Shopping for Christmas Dinner

 Emma pushes the cart through the meat department.  “You got a bird, right?”

“Excuse me?” Regina tilts her chin upward and frowns at Emma, and the sheriff can’thelp but smirk.

“Protein, Regina. What are you making for Christmas dinner?  Chicken? Steak?  What?”

An eye roll is what she gets back.  “You will be fed meat with your vegetables, I promise, Emma.”

“So, what is it?”

“Why do you need to know?”

“Why is it a secret?”

“It’s not.”

“Then why aren’t you telling me?”  Emma halts suddenly, casting goggled eyes ather companion who walks a little further in front of the shopping cart beforestopping.  Their eyes meet and green onessquint suspiciously.  “It’s not somethingEnchanted-Foresty-weird, is it?”

Amused, Regina wise-cracks while strolling slowlyforward, Emma rolling at her heels, “This should be good.  Define Enchanted-Foresty-weird.”

“I dunno.  Like,boar?  Yak?”

Scandalized, Regina turns and aims a sharp look at theblonde.  “Like I would serve yak at my dinner table.  Outrageous!”

“Hey, I ate chimerawhen I was back in the Forest and itwas gross.  I think I’d rather eatanything else.  Except maybe forgeoduck.”  Emma makes a silentdry-heaving face and then stops again and pales.  “We’re nothaving that, are we?”

“Now, you’re just insulting me.  What kind of host do you think I am?”

They steer into the Produce section in silence.  Emma decides she likes watching Regina perusevegetables.  How weird is that?  Since they’ve entered the grocery store, she’sobserved Regina pick up one thing, inspect the label, put it down and grabanother.  It’s clear that Regina is a health-nut and that she only eatssomething fattening a handful of times.  Likewhen she steals Emma’s fries when she thinks Emma’s not looking.

There’s really no bother in those moments, sitting alonein a booth at Granny’s together or when they sit opposite each other on thesofas in the Mayor’s office.  They’vecertainly taken more lunches together since Emma became single.  Emma finds that she really enjoys Regina’scompany.  Maybe a little too much.

She gets a tingly feeling when Regina lays her hands onthe honeydew melons, fingers flexing over them to mentally record their size,shape and firmness.  Regina picks up twoand holds them up for display… in front of her chest, unaware of how suggestiveit looks.  Emma clears her throat todistract her thoughts away from the funny turn they’ve taken.

“How about these melons? Do you like them?”

Criminy!

Emma’s lips pucker and her brain short-circuits becauseshe obviously is at a loss for words. She inwardly berates herself.

“How about a fruit plate before dinner?”  When Emma doesn’t answer and just standsthere, chewing on the inside of her cheek, a crease deepens in the middle ofthe brunette’s brow because she’s not sure what’s happened to silence hercompanion.  “We could do it before dinner, if you’d rather.  I think fresh fruit would be nice.”  For emphasis, Regina twists the melonsplayfully and Emma does some more cough-chuckling.  “What?”

“Regina…”

“What?”

“Nothing.  FreshFruit is fine.”

Moments later, with a cart loaded with fresh fruits andvegetables, Emma asks.  “So, what did Little Regina Mills eat for Christmasdinner growing up?”

Regina snorts and the sound is suddenly adorable toEmma.  “My mother was fond of wild game.”

“What, like deer and squirrel?”

“Please… no rodents were allowed.”

“No, of course not.”

Regina picks up a loaf of French bread, sniffs into thebag and gently squeezes the sides, while her eyes roll into the back of herhead out of pure ecstasy.  Suddenlysmelling bread has become like some sort of sensual experience and Emma’s sharpintake of breath goes unnoticed.  Regina setstwo crispy loaves into the cart.

“Christmas dinner usually consisted of pheasant, goose,venison…”

With a cheeky twist Emma pipes in, “Did Cora ever eatfrogs?”

Regina slowed, “Would you be serious?”  Despite her words, there is humor in Regina’ssmile and Emma finds herself mirroring it. “There was Roast Swan.”

“Eww, no!”

“It’s really not that bad.”

“You cannot feed the Swan swan for Christmas.  That’sjust wrong.”

The rich timbre in Regina’s laughter feels as if there isa weight in Emma’s middle, dangling and pulling her insides down toward herabdomen, though not uncomfortably.  Quitethe opposite in fact.

“Believe me, I am not doing wrong by you, Emma.  I think you will like what I cook.”

“I always like what you cook, Regina.”

That remark pleases her shopping partner immensely andEmma is again mesmerized by the toothy megawatt spread of those lips.  The lips scar at the top seems to dance andEmma is struck by how much she wants to first trace it with her fingertips andthen her tongue.

Whoa!  Emma gazes upward and wonders if maybethere’s something in the ventilation that is breathing life into all these fantasiesshe had buried a long time ago.  Shecan’t lie.  She has thought about Reginain a more-than-friendly capacitybefore.

They reach the canned section and somehow, Regina hadhung back to examine something and is following Emma now.  She examines something else, grabs a can andproceeds to catch up with Emma, only the blonde has stopped and turned.  They don’t realize, until it is too late,that neither of them has really paid attention to distance and they collide,nearly knocking one another off balance. They are so off kilter that to steady themselves they grab onto eachother in a handsy embrace.

Faces close, sharing surprised breaths and eyeing eachother from their eyes to their lips, they are frozen in time.

They don’t know how long they stand there but attractionflares.  They lean in nearer and thedistance between them closes, but before their lips can meet, after Reginacloses her eyes, right when Emma is certain Regina wants to be kissed, theolder woman clears her throat and murmurs. “Turkey.”

Emma pulls back only slightly.  “What?” Regina delivers the flirtiest smile that she’s ever seen.

“I’m not feeding the Swan swan.  I’m feeding the Turkey turkey.”

“You’re calling me aturkey.  I see.”  And Emma does see.  She finally sees that these things she hasbeen feeling for her son’s other mother are reciprocated.  They are reflected in the brown depths ofRegina’s dilating eyes.  She decidesshe’s going to go for it.  “I also seethat you want to kiss me.”

To her credit, Regina doesn’t act surprised.  On the contrary, her fists ball in Emma’s redleather jacket and the tips of their noses almost touch, so Emma daresher.  “And I will call you the biggest chicken if you don’t.”

The corner of Regina’s lips curve upward into a sultrychallenge and Emma swears that the tongue that lazily glides across thatluscious red top lip has been purposely planned to driver her crazy.

“No need to resort to name calling, Sheriff.”  Regina’s fists unclench and she straightensthe jacket collar.  “But I will not becaught making out in the middle of a grocerystore aisle.  Come along, before thecheckout lines get ridiculously long.”

Emma is left alone with the goofiest grin.  The cart wheels make a loud metallic spinningsound as she runs to catch up and she slows, sidling up to Regina.  “You’re shaking, Regina.  You must really want me.”

“We’re walking through the frozen food section,Emma.  It’s cold.”

Emma ignores the quip and smugly teases, causing Reginato quirk an eyebrow, “So making out?  Is that what we’re going to do?”

A feigned exasperated sigh, as if the answer should becompletely obvious, is expelled from the brunette.  “I sure as hell hope so.” Emma thinksRegina’s quite sexy when she’s being coy and openly demonstrative with what shewants.  And that look is telling Emmathat Regina wants her.  “I never figuredyou to be a tease, Emma.”

“Oh, I can teaseand torture in the right setting when the mood calls for it.”

Regina instantly stops. Her eyes have darkened even more in pleasant astonishment and shehungrily eyeballs Emma’s lips and Emma feels like she’s basically been touched… everywhere.  She swallows.

“Hmmm…”  Reginaappears to be thinking that over and all she does is saunter off.

“Hot.”  Emmamurmurs.

“It will be.” Regina returns.  “Now let’s notdawdle.  I’ve got quite the kiss in mindfor you.”

Emma’s cheeks hurt with her smile.  It looks like Christmas has come early thisyear.

[homebrewtalk]

Gluten Free Holiday Beers

It’s colder out, spirits are high, and it’s so freaking DARK out! Things are getting spiced out the wazoo, there’s pie everywhere, turkeys ducks and chickens are getting bird-centipede-ed, it’s bedlam- and on top of that, the in-laws… Got anything for me? YOU BETCHA! There are so many ways to envision holiday brewing, from flavors to themes to gift basket ideas- the list goes on. This is the one true season where is really is worth saying FU to the Reinheitsgebot- forgive me Beer gods. Not only do people give you the benefit of the doubt with your flavors, but they’re down to try something they would likely poo-poo in other seasons- so seize your moment.

Spices and Styles for Holiday Beers

Pumpkin Spice Holiday Beers: I might lose some of the audience here. It happens I get it… but it’s worth a try once. The methodology would include adding ground spices to the boil, typically under 15 minutes, very similar to the way you add coriander to a wit style beer. Where some differ in opinion here is how to treat secondary with these beers, and what delivery method is better. Some say whole spice, others say ground or crushed… in my experience the crushed or ground version falls out too quickly. On the other hand, I’ve had tremendous success adding whole spices in secondary like cinnamon sticks and star anise.

Pairing your spices is important: Orange is paired with coriander for a reason, you could add ginger, nutmeg, and paradise seeds in varying quantities to all types of styles. Typically choosing an estery yeast can help compliment the spices, but there is a balance as you don’t want to drown the flavor out. Saison, Trappist, and Thames Valley yeasts are all great choices, as they take spices well, and still speak for themselves, creating a complex flavor profile for the drinker. Cleaner yeasts like WLP 001 (Wyeast 1056) are good choices too, but can cause the spice to speak for the rest of the beer, and cause them to over-power things. But remember, there really aren’t any hard and fast rules governing holiday beers.

Stouts letting it all hang out: Imperial Stout, Breakfast Stout, Chocolate Stout, Maple Stout—doesn’t matter—they’re bolder and brasher without a doubt during this season. People are putting on their winter coat, so don’t feel too bad about finishing your stout at 1.025 or even 1.040. I’m not that huge of a fan of lactose, but that’ll make it easier to finish at a higher gravity. Although many don’t think it’s worth the risk—I’m a fan of adding syrups and sugars at high krausen, and even racking to more syrup or fruit in secondary. This allows you to focus on a solid grain bill, and add additional complexity to the brew. It also helps with that thick finish that many stouts are known for. Another thing is that they’re also a great option for gluten-free brewers like me, who tend to have average finishing gravities around 1.002 consistently. To help with that problem, take gravity samples more often, rack and crash when you reach the gravity you want, think about mashing at higher temps to convert starches to dextrose, and think about adding up to 1.5 lbs of maltodextrin if you’re worried about the finishing gravity.

Bring on the Pine: “C” hops anyone? Great time of year to go crazy. I’m personally going to be brewing with spruce tips this year, I want my party guests to feel like they’re literally drinking a Christmas tree. Additional hops that help with that resiny note are Centennial, Chinook, Citra, and Columbus (don’t forget about simCOE and southern CROSS). Feel free to pour on crystal malts as well. In some cases it might be necessary if you’re going for a resin bomb. Remember that balance that we talked with spice? Depending on the style of IPA, I might add up to Crystal 60/80, but I much prefer sweet to roast in my holiday IPAs. Even though session-ability isn’t as important during the holidays, some of the most successful recipes I’ve done to-date have featured a boiling hop under 10% AA and incorporated massive late hopping (15 minutes and under) to pull out those dank and resiny notes. This is also a great way to avoid the astringent or acrid experience for the drinker that can happen in a heavy hopping scenario. In my opinion, it’s also a great way to not have so much of that “cat urine” aroma that many people are put-off by.

Get Rustic and think Local: Ever think of what they used before hops? Many of these other options give a holiday vibe anyway. I made a feast saison for Thanksgiving this year that incorporated no hops and used an ancient herb called “yarrow” (available at spruceontap.com)- it lent a wonderful herbal note with the meal, however I wanted more sage, and I would definitely buy more than 2 oz next time. Many beers in old America were made with corn, molasses, pumpkin, sweet potato, and rice, so feel free to go literally off the deep end with local adjuncts and ingredients. Just try to make sure it doesn’t mess up the base beer too much. Lavender and chamomile are incredible herbs that go great with Saison and other farmhouse varietals. Choke cherries, cranberries and other tart berries like black currants are all great choices to add in secondary or primary depending on the style you’re going for.

Go Ahead… Make ‘em Call a LYFT: Although I’ve gone away from brewing as much high ABV beer recently, feel free to brew that “winter warmer” you’ve been afraid to tackle, your guests will drunkenly thank you during their second beer, if they’re not put down by the first round. It’s regular for most holiday beers to be above 6% ABV, but feel free to push the boundary. For notes on brewing high gravity, check out my previously published article. One thing that I’ll say here is that a starter is highly important, and I have become religious about oxygenating my cooled wort on anything that has a starting gravity of 1.055 or higher. Temperature is also an important factor here in addition to yeast health, as fusel alcohols in high enough quantities can create a “gasoline” or “diesel” taste and aroma in your beer. Fusel alcohols are the result of your yeast being under stress and creating alcohol compounds with more than two carbon atoms. The higher you work a yeast towards it’s threshold, the more you risk creating fusel alcohols. In addition, you also run the risk of your yeast crapping out before it finishes. For a large scale example of this, watch Sam Calagione’s Discovery Channel show “Brew Masters”—there’s two shows (out of 6) where he has to dump entire tanks of flagship beers because the yeast couldn’t handle the high gravity, so just make sure you do your homework on your yeast, and always pitch the right cell count for the gravity.

Have Fun… But Plan Ahead

My Holiday brewing schedule can be staggering. I turn from a weekend brewer to a week night brewer once late September hits, but it pays off. People don’t scrutinize homemade gifts as much, and I hate standing in lines. Strategize your parties in advance. Remember that your keg should be filled and under carbonation by at least Tuesday so that it is ready for a Saturday afternoon party. If you want your family and friends to actually enjoy the gift bag you give them on the big day, you should be bottle conditioning your beer by at least December 10th, Black Friday is a great day to bottle condition for those celebrating Chanukah, so it has the full two weeks to carb up. It allows them to toss your beer in the freezer and enjoy it in front of you. In my experience that also guarantees that they actually drink it, instead of finding it in their wine cellar or hallway closet years later (great for certain styles… but not spiced holiday beers or holiday IPAs). Spacing brew days out so that you aren’t bottling all your beers at once could be a helpful tip, just remember to brew the styles that benefit from more aging first.

Mix it up This Holiday Season, and Wow Your Family and Friends!

Christmas Tree IPA: Holiday Ale

Grains Hop Schedule Yeast

7.5 lbs Pale Millet Malt

3 lbs Buckwheat Malt

1.5 lbs Goldfinch Millet Malt

1 lb Cara Millet Malt

12 oz Crystal Millet Malt

1.5 lbs Rice Hulls

1 tsp Amylase Enzyme

.25oz Chinook @75

.25oz Centennial @75

.25oz Chinook @50

.25oz Centennial @50

.25oz Chinook @25

.25oz Centennial @25

.25oz Chinook @10

.25oz Centennial @10

4 oz Spruce Tips (Whirlpool 15 min)

1 pkg WY1968 (ESB)

Notes: Use hop bags so they can be removed prior to whirlpooling.

OG: 1.065 FG: 1.015 ABV: 6.56%

Heat 7 gal of Strike Water to 152⁰F, add in 2 tsp Calcium Chloride and 1 tsp gypsum, mix in milled grains, let sit for an hour then ramp to 163⁰F for 30 Minutes, ramp to 170⁰F and Sparge out with 2.5 gal of 170⁰F hot liquor (with 1 tsp of calcium chloride added back in; you will want to stir your grains a couple times during the sparge). If you have a pre-boil gravity lower than 1.035, add either 2 lbs of 1 SRM Candi Syrup or 3-4 cups of Raw Sugar at 15 minutes left in the boil.

Add yeast nutrient and Whirlfoc. At 0 minutes you can remove hop bags.

Chill Wort to 68⁰F, oxygenate for 30-45 seconds, then pitch yeast- I went with Wyeast 1968 London ESB, subs: WLP 001, WLP 007, Wyeast 1056, etc. I pitched a 1500 ml starter. This is a highly flocculant yeast, but I’ll typically pitch Clarity ferm at the same time as the yeast so that I can ferment and crash in the same vessel (brew jacket has trouble getting down below 35⁰F). I typically will let the inoculated wort free rise to 72, but typically I’ll keep it at 68⁰F.

I always dry hop (helps greatly with head-retention in gf beers), but you don’t have to.   1 oz Chinook & 1 oz Centennial (3 days before transfer). (optional)

by Robert Keifer Originally born and raised in San Jose, CA, I moved down to SOCAL for college at UC Irvine (Business Economics class of 2011), and decided to stick around after graduating. I’ve been gluten free since 2010, and was tired of never having any beer to drink. A mutual friend was into homebrewing, and had me come over to hang at a keg tasting, and once I mentioned Ghostfish in Seattle (GF brewery), they got the idea to help me brew a gluten-free beer. From there, I’ve been fully immersed in learning everything I can about brewing beer and brewing as many beers as I can. I currently work as the Talent Acquisition Specialist for a growing Cyber Security Consulting firm, Tevora, and I have aspirations of putting my beers on the map at the Pro-AM GABF, and bringing them to a wider audience by opening my own Brewery one day.

Learn more about gluten free brews with this cider article »

First off, if you aren’t already making hard cider, you should be. It really is a no brainer, which I will explain briefly here. Cider is cheap to make, easily sourced, hardly any work, and great for those friends who can’t do gluten! Your only materials are Apple cider/juice, yeast, and maybe a few optional adjuncts, so cost can be as low as $20 a batch depending on your juice source. There isn’t an actual brew process, so it cuts a couple hours out of your normal brew day requirement. Just clean, sanitize, mix ingredients and profit! Since you aren’t using grain in this, it becomes a convenient brew to have on hand for friends(or in my case, SWMBO) who don’t/can’t do gluten…

Gluten Free Holiday Beers was originally published on HomeBrewTalk.com