#like weird kirsten dunst movies no one remembers

[hudbannonarchive]

movieheads if you’re ever bored this is the most fun game i’m obsessed with it rn

[the-writer-nerd-ro]

I referenced this movie in "Hunter Finally Plans The Perfect Date" so you should have known this fic was coming! Spoilers for the 2005 movie Elizabethtown but not enough that you shouldn't watch it apparently it's on Max now but I personally just bought it on Vudu bc I plan on rewatching it A LOT. I also own it on DVD. This is my favorite movie ever please watch it please.

Also there are a bunch of headcanons in this fic I'm having a blast with the world building.

28% Critics, 66% Audience

“Movie night!” Sara said, plopping down on the comfy couch and patting the seat next to her.

“So what’s this movie about?” All Hunter knew was it contained a date scene set in a cemetery, which was a Hunter Richardson specialty.

“It’s about love. And loss. It’s kind of beautiful in its own weird way.”

“Like you,” Hunter said.

“Like me. Come watch!”

Hunter settled in, having no idea what she was in for. But if it made Sara happy, then she just felt lucky to be included.

From the first few seconds Orlando Bloom was on the screen the movie was a sequence of terrible things knocking Drew to the ground and kicking him when he was down.

Immediately, without even trying, Hunter connected to Drew. She remembered the out-of-nowhere system shock when her parents had died. The holes in her life they had left and how quickly regret had crept in to fill those holes.

She glanced over at Sara, who was mouthing along with the lines.

Sara glanced over too, and grinned.

“Here she comes,” Sara said, clearly excited. Sara was watching a different movie than Hunter, one that didn’t truly begin until Kirsten Dunst stepped on screen.

“Celebrity crush,” Hunter thought. She would find out that that was an oversimplification.

Hunter saw Sara in Claire Colburn pretty quickly. Like Sara, Claire had so much passion and love that it was offputting for some, but the people who stuck around got a whole garden in bloom. Hunter could see how Drew would fall for her by the end of the movie.

But the movie was about so much more than an ex-shoe designer and a flight attendant falling in love. Hunter teared up three times before Claire appeared on the screen again. Hunter felt personally targeted as Drew reflected on the life his dad had lived and the heartwarming, overwhelming outreach of his father’s family as they held him and waited for him to grieve.

Hunter remembered feeling like a bug under a microscope, mourning but in all the wrong ways. Wanting to reach out to the people who were hurting too, but having no idea how to relate to any of her relatives.

“That could have been me,” She whispered without meaning to as Drew flipped through family photos with an aunt he clearly didn’t remember (played by Paula Deen, of all people). Sara didn’t say anything, just wrapped Hunter up in a hug, reminding her that she wasn’t under a microscope anymore. Sara saw her as she was without expecting anything more.

They were silent, enthralled, for a few more minutes, and then Sara turned to Hunter and beamed.

“The phone scene is my favorite.”

It was actually a collection of scenes, but Hunter understood why Sara liked it. After struggling through awkward conversations with his ex and his sister, Drew stumbled into an easy conversation with Claire. There was something deeply intimate about the act of staying up all night talking with someone, even if it was a stranger. Hunter hadn’t lived with Sara very long but they’d already had many late-night/early morning conversations. Hunter snuggled closer into Sara’s arms.

Hunter recognized what happened next, too, when the sun rose and they went their separate ways, both sure they’d never see each other again. When Hunter had first met Sara, she’d thought it was a stroke of dumb luck, a fluke that would never be repeated.

Instead of saying any of that, Hunter asked, “Have you ever watched the movie Fluke?”

“Huh? No,” Sara was distracted by Susan Sarandon.

“I’ll tell you about it later,” Hunter decided, not wanting to miss a moment of Sara’s favorite film.

Especially not the over-hyped cemetery scene, which Hunter didn’t find as romantic as Sara clearly did. It seemed more like two sleep-deprived people blowing off some steam. Hunter didn’t think the romance really started until they were walking back in the dark, the third late-night conversation Claire and Drew had gotten to have.

When they were talking, they felt like more than characters on a screen. They felt so vivid, so real. Claire was a person who had always gotten second place in the lives of the people who claimed they loved her, never the first choice, never the priority. Drew was only first when he was successful, and when he failed he might as well be as good as dead. Who hadn’t felt like that before, like a substitute person who could easily be recast?

Again Hunter didn’t say any of that, just leaned over and whispered, “They should make a lesbian version of this movie.”

Sara nodded earnestly. “They should cast us.”

Hunter laughed, “Yeah, they should.”

“Are you loving it?” Sara asked.

“I love you,” Hunter said, which was so much easier than saying how this silly, sappy movie was ripping her heart to shreds.

And when the stupid, silly straight couple ended the evening almost-but-not-quite kissing, Hunter couldn’t admit just how invested she was in the pairing.

It felt like she was holding her breath until Claire showed up again, just waiting for the two repressed dorks to take another baby step in their relationship. She exhaled in relief when Claire admitted, very directly, that she liked Drew. She let out an audible whoop a few minutes later when Drew finally kissed her.

Unfortunately, there was still a sizeable chunk of runtime left, which didn’t bode well for the substitute people. Fortunately, Kirsten Dunst could act her little ass off, really selling the heartbreak she felt when she realized Drew was still too hung up on his failures to love her the way she deserved to be loved.

“How are they going to come back from this one?” Hunter whispered.

“Haven’t you ever seen a romcom before?”

“A few.”

“Then trust the formula.”

Hunter had gotten so caught up in the love story that she had almost forgotten it was a movie about loss. Then the memorial hit her again with that dissociative feeling of grieving with people who all had their own version of the deceased. It was the kind of thing you never completely forgot.

Hunter squeezed her eyes shut and shuddered.

For the first time in over an hour, Sara paused the movie.

“Hun? Are you okay?”

“Yeah, just remembering.”

Sara nodded, knowing exactly what Hunter was talking about.

“When did it happen? If you don’t mind me asking.”

“Seven years ago. But sometimes it feels like yesterday.”

“I’m sure they were wonderful.”

“The best,” Hunter agreed. Maybe she should reach out to her family, it had been about that long since she’d seen some of them. Her dad’s brother and his family lived in the city but everyone else was scattered. Her parents had been the ones to bring them together.

“I’m sure they would be happy to know that you’re loved,” Sara said, which seemed much nicer than the usual “They’d be proud of you.”

Maybe Hunter hadn’t done anything worth their pride but she was loved, and that’s all they’d ever wanted for her.

“Go ahead and start the movie again.”

Sara did, and they watched Susan Sarandon tap dancing, and the air in the room seemed a little lighter than it was before.

Hunter was surprised to find the movie wasn’t done surprising her. The grief of the memorial turned into celebration and celebration slipped into chaos as Drew’s eccentric cousin (played, Hunter was pretty sure, by that one guy from Parks and Rec) brought down the house with a live performance of Freebird that really emphasized the Baylor family motto.

“If it wasn’t this it would be something else,” Hunter whispered.

“Exactly!” Sara said, thrilled that the movie was resonating with Hunter.

Neither of them spoke after that, until the credits rolled twentyish minutes later. It was hard to talk, when so much was happening on screen. Hunter didn’t even realize she was crying again until Sara reached over and gently brushed the tears away.

“Thank you for watching this with me, I’m sorry if it was a lot,” Sara said.

Hunter laughed a little, rubbing her eyes. “Everything about us is a lot.”

“Good point.”

���You seemed to really like Claire, is she your type?” Hunter asked, not jealous just curious.

Sara burst out laughing. “Oh no. Oh no no no no. Hun, you’re my type. But I was,” Sara thought back, “thirteen when this came out, and it changed how I saw the world.”

“Your gay awakening,” Hunter guessed.

“Sort of. I’d fallen in love with a lot of tv girls before, but I didn’t feel that way about Claire. I didn’t want to be with her, I wanted to be her. I’d never had words for those feelings before. It had never been so concrete.”

“Oh!” Hunter had known Sara was trans but she had never considered that came with an origin story. She felt kind of foolish that she’d never asked Sara about it before.

She studied Sara, a smile growing on her face. “Huh. I can see that, actually.”

Sara beamed. “Really?”

“Really. You’re a lot like her. Better, in my mind. Cuter, too.”

Sara Pena looked like she was going to swoon.

“You have no idea how much that means to me.”

“Thank you for sharing this part of you with me. I like learning about what made you who you are. Because I love who you are.”

“Next time you can pick the movie. I want to learn more about you, too.”

It was only the start of their journey, but Hunter really, really liked where they were heading.

[icarusreading]

The Virgin Suicides (Sofia Coppola)-5/5 Stars

!!Spoilers Ahead!! (this is much less formal than La Chimera because this is my favorite movie ever and i have many thoughts)

Cast-5/5

Kirsten Dunst and AJ Cook my loves. My angels. They are so good. I think something that stood out to me that i’m not 100% sure was intentional was that all do the Lisbon sisters looked old/mature for their age while the majority of the boys (besides Trip…asshole…) looked young for their age. I just find that and interesting detail, intentional or not.

Also Trip was far too well casted. He is SO someone that i would’ve crushed on and been heartbroken by. I’m biased though because the longest crush i ever had was a Trip Fontaine lookalike and that did not work out for me.

(and Danny Devito making a brief cameo in this movie made me giggle the first time i watched it)

Plot-5/5

I think what makes this movie so interesting is how the viewer sees the girls. As a viewer, we’re being put into the eyes of the boys who are so heavily infatuated with them. So, we actually barely know a thing about the girls. We don’t know if what they said is how they said it, if there really were signs of their impending doom, because we’re getting all our information from a secondhand source. Had this been written in Lux or Mary’s perspective, i guarantee we would see the characters in a different light. and I think that’s why this has stuck with me.

Overall, I love the plot. I watched this movie at a difficult time in my life and it felt equally as haunting as it did comforting. I think if anything it’s a commentary on the male gaze. These girls weren’t a mystery to be investigated, they were just girls. I know i keep talking about the book when this is a movie review but I feel it’s important to mention how in the book, the girls are rarely ever described as human. Even in the movie, one of the first lines describes them as “creatures”. This whole plot centers around them being these weird, almost god like beings to the world around them. Everyone admired, no one knew them.

Score-1000/5

I think i’m Airs #1 listener on Spotify. Like actually, the soundtrack for this movie is one of my most listened to albums. Again, i’m not super well versed in this topic but I think it matched the movie very well. It gave an almost melancholic air to the film without being typical ‘sad’ music.

Cinematography-5/5

I love Sofia Coppola’s style of filming. I really do feel like she achieved making this movie feel nostalgic, because that’s what the story was to the narrators. I remember there being a lot of color in this movie but at the same time i felt like it was almost dull, like a faded memory. That’s really what it felt like to me, although I don’t even know how to fully describe how that was accomplished. It’s really stunning.

I liked how the girls were almost always filmed in groups, except for Lux. Lux is the girl that the boys most focused on. She was like a sex symbol to them, and I feel like she always stood out even when she was being filmed with the other sisters. She’s the most vibrant part of the memory the boys are trying to piece together.

Ending-4.5/5

The only problem i have with the ending of this movie is that they didn’t stay true to how Mary died!!! That part of the book felt so important because the Lisbons were living with a daughter that they already viewed as a corpse and although it was a more detail, it was what gutted me most at the end. Although i don’t hate that they didn’t add that in the film.

I liked especially how they mentioned that Lux was the last to go because it did feel like more of a full ending. Lux was the girl the boys knew the most about, and even then it was very superficial. They were most infatuated with her and when she was gone it closed that chapter (even if it was reopened later in the boys lives)

Favorite quote/scene-

‘Obviously, Doctor, you’ve never been a thirteen year old girl’

She was right. I was a 13 year old girl once and it sucked. But honestly i think this whole scene just sets the tone for the story. No one listened to any of them. We never know what truly went on in that house.

Final thoughts-

What i find so incredibly haunting about this movie is that we will never know what the Lisbon sisters were like. We saw them through the eyes of boys who knew nothing about them, saw them as a mystery to solve. I watched and read the book when i was in a very dark place myself and i connected to it to a point where it will always stick with me. The Lisbon sisters were never, and will never, be understood by those in their world. And yet i think to people who connect with their hardships and tragic endings are the ones that know them the most intimately.

Also. I have to say. When the girls were communicating through morse code and the boys thought they were saying “help, send bobo” THEY WERE SPELLING POPO. AS IN POLICE. that detail makes me so upset because it was RIGHT THERE.

divider credit: @strangergraphics-archive

[alexskarsgardnet]

New Alex Interview & Photoshoot with Interview Magazine (March 2022) + a BTS pic!

Alexander Skarsgård Talks to Kirsten Dunst About the Pleasure and the Pain

By

Kirsten Dunst

(February 15, 2022)

Photographed by

Juergen Teller

Styled by Harry Lambert

Alexander Skarsgård has excelled at playing a manipulative vampire, an abusive husband, and the literal harbinger of disease and destruction in a pandemic-ravaged world. And yet, he’s still good for a laugh. You don’t grow up the model-handsome scion of a legendary Swedish acting family without having a sense of humor about yourself. Think about his crack-up cameos as a vacant male model in Zoolander, an overgrown college grad in Eastbound & Down, and a mulletted schlub in On Becoming a God in Central Florida. But despite his reputation for just going for it, at 45 years old, he continues to surprise. Last year, he stole scenes on Succession as Lukas Mattson, a tech bro so unlikable you couldn’t help but love him. And now, six years after he tamed the jungle in The Legend of Tarzan, Skarsgård is returning to the shirtless-action-hero genre in the Robert Eggers-directed viking saga The Northman, a grueling production that, as he tells his Melancholia costar Kirsten Dunst, was no laughing matter.

KIRSTEN DUNST: Where are you in life right now?

ALEXANDER SKARSGÅRD: I’m in Copenhagen.

DUNST: With your family?

ALEX: Yeah. Well, I’m heading back to Stockholm next week. I was actually working with our dear friend Lars [von Trier] again

DUNST: Really? On what?

ALEX: He’s doing another season of The Kingdom. Do you remember that? The old TV show he did for Danish television like 15 or 20 years ago?

DUNST: I never watched it, but I’ve heard it’s incredible.

ALEX: It’s a lot of fun. It takes place at the main hospital here in Copenhagen. Dad [Stellan Skarsgård] played an attorney on The Kingdom whenever they shot it, but he couldn’t do this. They kind of rewrote the part, so it’s now the Swedish attorney’s son. I actually replaced my father. Step aside, old man.

DUNST: I was talking about him recently, and I said that making Melancholia felt like I was on a European vacation. I had so much fun.

ALEX: It’s pretty much the same team from Melancholia. It was a lovely reunion.

DUNST: I’m jealous.

ALEX: You were missed. We talked about you a lot.

DUNST: You know what? Lars and I have the same birthday. So funny. And so does Jane Campion, which is really weird. It’s like I only want to work with Tauruses or something. I love that actor-family lifestyle you guys have. How many of the Skarsgårds are actors?

ALEX: Twenty-five, basically.

DUNST: Twenty-five?

ALEX: Not quite. There’s four. If you need a Skarsgård for a movie and one of us isn’t available, it’s like, “How about this one?”

DUNST: My one son is so dramatic. I can see him becoming an actor. There’s something romantic about having it be a family business.

ALEX: Well, you started out super early, right?

DUNST: Yeah. How old were you when you started?

ALEX: I was seven, but it wasn’t intentional. My dad’s friend was a director and needed a 7-year-old kid, and he was over at our house, drinking wine with dad and talking. And then he saw this 7-year-old kid run through the room, and was like, “What about that kid?”

DUNST: I feel like I’d do that with my kid, too, if it was a director I knew and it felt like a family event. “Sure, put him in a movie.” I like that stuff.

ALEX:  It might sound odd, but it wasn’t even something I wanted to do. I did it, but my memories have more to do with free Cinnabons at the craft service table than the actual craft.

DUNST: Not the craft, the craft service! I think the first thing I ever saw you in was Zoolander. I thought to myself, “How is this very good-looking person so hilarious?” I want you to be in more comedies. I want a weird Skarsgård family comedy.

ALEX: We should plan something together because my dad would love to do the family thing.

DUNST: Let’s talk about The Northman. You play a prince? A Swedish god? What are you?

ALEX: It’s based on an old saga called “Prince Amleth of Jutland,” which inspired Shakespeare to write Hamlet. It’s about a man avenging the death of his father. It starts on an island in the north Atlantic. My character is the young prince of that kingdom. When his father gets murdered by his uncle, he manages to escape the island. And the uncle believes that the young prince is dead.

DUNST: It’s like The Lion King. That’s where my brain goes right now.

ALEX: The Lion King is basically Hamlet. But the saga is as old as Viking culture.

DUNST: Fun?

ALEX: It was the most fun. I’ve been wanting to tell a Viking story in a way that felt entertaining and big. Working with Robert Eggers, every single detail has to be 100 percent perfect. Every single stitch on a tunic. That’s obviously difficult when you tell a story that takes place a thousand years ago. You have to take some creative liberties.

DUNST: This will make my mom very happy because she loves everything about Vikings.

ALEX: She’s Swedish, right?

DUNST: Our family’s from Minnesota. So it’s Minnesota Swedes. I’m going to ask you fun questions now. What are you reading?

ALEX: A book called In the Distance by Hernan Diaz. It’s set in the 19th century and a man crosses the United States from the West Coast to the East Coast in search of his brother. I highly recommend it.

DUNST: I know you love music. Anything you’re listening to?

ALEX: I have a tendency to go down a rabbit hole for a period of time, and then I move on. I recently came out of a Roxy Music phase.

DUNST: I love Roxy Music. Sometimes I listen to a lot of a certain thing because it gets me in the zone for a part or on set. I’ll make myself a playlist for the character.

ALEX: I often use music to get out of character. To get away from it.

DUNST: On set, you’re really present. You’re fun to work with because you’re alive in the scenes. You’re willing to play around. How do you go about creating a role?

ALEX: It’s quite square and structured. I read the script once a day for however many weeks or months I have before the shoot.

DUNST: Really? Once a day? Interesting. I totally don’t do that.

ALEX: It helps me get into the headspace of a character. I discover new things with each read. I come up with a thousand different ideas and then I eliminate them. Once we get into production, it’s about finding that sweet spot between being prepared but also open to whatever happens when you meet the other actors. It’s being alive and playful and open to discovering things in front of the camera. If I’m not prepared at all, it makes me nervous. The most rewarding days were when I came prepared with a vague idea of how I wanted to play the scene, but I was still open enough to be surprised. And together with the director and the other actors, we discovered something that wasn’t planned and was surprising and exciting for all of us. Rob works in the diametrically opposite way of Lars. Everything is meticulously planned. It’s mostly one single camera, one shot.

DUNST: He likes long shots? There’s an energy within that. If you want everything in one shot, you’re living that life. You feel more taken into something when things are in one shot.

ALEX: In The Northman, there are long, intense fight scenes with 40 stuntmen and horses and 200 extras. To shoot it all in one shot means you do this four-minute take, and then a horse deep in the background looks the wrong way and you have to do it all again.

DUNST: That sounds like my worst nightmare.

ALEX: You’re so exhausted that you want to cry. You feel like you finally got all the choreography of the fight worked out, but then you have to go again and again and again. There’s always something in the background that wasn’t quite right. The flip side of that is when you finally get it, it feels like winning gold at the Olympics.

DUNST: He sounds like a perfectionist.

ALEX: He absolutely is. But he’s also a genius. The Northman was the first time I worked on something that was so meticulously stylized, and you almost had to see it as a dance between the camera and the actors, because the camera was constantly moving, and so were we. If the timing was slightly off, then we’d have to go again. I’ve never been more tired than after those six months.

DUNST: Where’d you shoot it?

ALEX: Most of it takes place in Iceland. We locked down and stayed in Belfast and shot almost all of it up in the mountains and on the seaside. Then we went with a skeleton crew to Iceland to get some of the epic Icelandic landscapes.

DUNST: I’ve always wanted to go to Reykjavík.

ALEX: I’m there every summer. It’s the most extraordinary place. The people are beautiful and open. You’re hanging out with a carpenter who’s also a poet, and then you meet a cab driver who is Iceland’s biggest rap singer.

DUNST: I haven’t watched you in Succession yet because I have two small children. These days, all I watch are cartoons.

ALEX: How old are they now?

DUNST: One is nine months. The other one’s three-and-a-half. Two boys. They’re a handful. When they can really play together, I will have my life back, but right now I can’t wait to go back to work.

ALEX: When did you shoot The Power of the Dog?

DUNST: Like two years ago. It was during Covid, and then I got pregnant.

ALEX: Are you back home?

DUNST: We’re in Austin, Texas, right now because Jesse [Plemons, Dunst’s partner] is making a miniseries here for HBO, with David Kelley and Nicole [Kidman] producing. I haven’t even been to the set. I’ll tell Jesse to say hi to the gang from you.

ALEX: Do you guys try to travel together as much as possible? If you work, Jesse tries to take some time off, and then when he works, you take some time off ? How do you guys navigate that?

DUNST: Honestly, he got the opportunity to work with Scorsese, and I just had a baby and he tore his ACL. No one can not work with Scorsese. Right now, our schedule just overlaps. So far, we’ve really lucked out. We might do another project with some friends where we work together again. It’s nice that as a couple, we’ve been embraced as people who can act together.

ALEX: You were so wonderful together in The Power of the Dog.

DUNST: It’s nice to have that together.

ALEX: It’s very obvious how much you guys enjoyed that.

DUNST: You guys would like working together.

ALEX: We almost did, didn’t we? Many, many years ago.

DUNST: Really?

ALEX: Yeah.

DUNST: Wait, wait. Time out. Weren’t you in Battleship?

ALEX: Yeah.

DUNST: So was he.

ALEX: Yeah, I know, but we didn’t really have any scenes together. I think we had some crowd scenes. He should join us on our Skarsgård family adventure.

DUNST: That would make me so happy. The people deserve you all in one film. Okay, I’m going to ask you some quick-fire questions. What’s your guilty pleasure?

ALEX:  Czech beers.

DUNST: What do Swedes shoot all the time? Fernet something, right?

ALEX: Fernet-Branca.

DUNST: Why do Swedes like to shoot that?

ALEX: I don’t know!

DUNST: It’s very medicinal.

ALEX: It feels medicinal and it feels like lubrication for your cardiovascular system.

DUNST: While you’re getting wasted! What makes you angry?

ALEX: I’m so even-tempered, it’s pathetic. I get angry with myself because I’m too OCD. Sometimes I need to stop being so square and let loose a bit.

DUNST: What makes you happy? Czech beer?

ALEX: Czech beer, again.

DUNST: [To her son] Want to ask Alex what’s his favorite candy? I’ll ask him. What’s your favorite candy?

ALEX: That’s a great question. I like salt licorice.

DUNST: Most people reading this probably think that is so disgusting, but I love it, too.

ALEX: It’s an acquired, sophisticated taste for people like us, Kirst.

DUNST: Who scares you, Alex?

ALEX: I have a tendency to scare myself sometimes.

DUNST: What scares me sometimes is the vastness of the universe. We’re just floating in space and just dying and being born. If I get too caught up in that, it starts to freak me out

ALEX: I’m scared of the vastness of my own ego.

DUNST: [Laughs] What relaxes you?

ALEX: Going out to the archipelago outside of Stockholm. My mom lives on an island in the Baltic. We’ve been winter bathing out there.

DUNST: You jump into freezing cold water? I understand the concept of that, but I’m also like, no thank you. Let me be in the warm hot tub watching you all, drinking my Fernet.

ALEX: You jump in the water and it’s freezing cold, but then you go inside and sit by the fireplace. I’m in for basically 1.58 seconds.

DUNST: I’ve jumped in a freezing cold lake and jumped immediately out. It awakens you in a way that nothing else does. No one can predict the future, but what would you like for your future?

ALEX: I just hung up on you, that’s my future.

DUNST: You’re like, “Fuck that question.” Do you want to have kids one day? Would you want to direct? Where do you live, by the way?

ALEX: I divide my time between New York and Stockholm because my family is in Stockholm. I just hope that I continue to be curious as I get older. I have some colleagues and friends where, as they get older, it feels like the curiosity fades away.

DUNST: As we get older, hopefully we’ll just get more eccentric and awesome. I think surrounding yourself with young people is important as you get older.

ALEX: My grandma was like that, my favorite human being. She didn’t give a fuck about what people thought about her. She would say anything. Until her dying day, she had this incredible curiosity. She wanted to learn, try new things, meet new people, and not just wither away.

DUNST: I haven’t left the house much at all, and I do everything over Zoom. I feel a little bit stifled in that way, a little Groundhog Day. It’s great that The Power of the Dog has come out and everyone loves it, but you don’t get any feedback on it.

ALEX: Does it feel surreal in a way? Almost as if it didn’t happen?

DUNST: A little. I’m doing hair and makeup for Zooms, and doing interviews and things like that, and then I’m with my children in sweatpants all day. I’m either making a snack or getting hair and makeup done. It doesn’t go together. Let me get back to these questions. Who do you feel closest to? Who’s your crazy Swedish friend again? What’s his name?

ALEX: Dada?

DUNST: Dada, yeah. Are you still in touch with Dada?

ALEX: He lives in my apartment in Stockholm.

DUNST: Of course he does. I love that dude. When I think back on making Melancholia, that was one of the most fun times I’ve ever had on a movie, and it’s literally about the most depressing thing.

ALEX: When I watch that movie, all I think about is how much fun we had. Maybe the only way to get through such a depressing movie was by having fun.

DUNST: It felt like acting camp. We were in Sweden during the summer and there were music festivals. I haven’t gone dancing in forever. I think you’ve done a lot more than me, because I’ve had to obviously be safe for my children, too. I didn’t want to work right after having another kid, because I’m not going to have another child. I wanted to enjoy the beginning stages of that again and not go straight back to work. There wasn’t anything I was dying to do anyway. Now I’m very ready. Okay, Alex, what is the best thing about being a Swede?

ALEX: When people are screaming at each other and it’s polarized, you can always be like, “Hey, I’m Swedish, I don’t know. I’m in the middle, I’m right here.” You don’t have to take a stand. It’s perfect.

DUNST: Who was your first movie crush?

ALEX: My first love was Jessica Lange when I was a kid and I watched Tootsie. I felt butterflies.

DUNST: Listen, that’s some good taste.

ALEX: I had no idea what it was. I just knew that I wanted that girl to come back on screen.

DUNST: My son really likes Daisy Duck. It’s the eyelashes.

ALEX: She’s got amazing eyelashes. Also, the fact that she doesn’t wear any pants.

DUNST: Oh my gosh. She has bloomers on in whatever we’re watching. She’s more modest now. Do you want to say anything else? It’s awesome you’re on the cover. I love Interview magazine.

ALEX: I’m going to get to work on our next project with the whole Skarsgård clan, and you and Jesse.

DUNST: That would be my dream.

ALEX: Likewise.

Hair: Kei Terada Using Balmain Hair Couture at Julian Watson Agency

Creative Partner: Dovile Drizyte

Digital Operator: Tom Ortiz

Photography Assistant: Tarek Cassim

Fashion Assistants: Naomi Phillips and Ryan Wohlgemut

Post- Production: Catalin Plesa at Quickfix Retouch

Sources:  Article/Interview:  Kirsten Dunst for Interview Magazine (x), Images, Our edits, Originals:  Photographer:  Juergen Teller for InterviewMagazine.com (x) & InterviewMag instagram (x), Behind-the-scenes pic:  Original:  The February 15, 2022 insta story of Keiterada (x, x)

[neongoth94]

Oscars 2022

It’s that time of year again where people choose to have needless discourses rather than healthy discussions about what should or shouldn’t be considered the best movies of the year. 

That’s right! It’s the Oscars! A night full of cringe and facepalming!

I know most people don’t care and think it’s all pointless, but I can’t help myself… I watch it every year. And while I don’t believe their nominations should dictate what movies you’re supposed to like, I still appreciate the Oscars for highlighting many films that I think most people would’ve ended up overlooking. 

This year, I actually managed to watch and rank almost all the nominations. Only ones I’ve missed out on was Coming 2 America, Four Good Days, and No Time to Die. 

Anyway, I wanna take some time to ramble and give my thoughts on who or what should win each category. And I’ll be going in the order seen above, starting with…

Actor in a Leading Role 

Andrew Garfield was simply phenomenal in Tick, Tick… Boom. He had a lot to work with for his performance, whether it was with any of the more joyous, emotional, or musical scenes. Benedict Cumberbatch was excellent, too. As was Denzel Washington. Will Smith was fine, though at times, he didn’t have a lot of range to work with. And Javier Bardem as Desi Arnez just felt like a weird casting choice.

Actor in a Supporting Role 

Troy Kotsur in CODA, because his performance felt so genuine and down-to-earth. He was truly the heart and soul of the film. Jesse Plemons and Kodi Smit-McPhee were also great in their respective roles. Ciarán Hinds did fine, but it wasn’t too memorable for me. And J.K. Simmons was unfortunately given little to work with.

Actress in a Leading Role 

Olivia Coleman’s performance in The Lost Daughter was one that I grew to love over time. It’s quiet and subtle, but you can feel the strong emotions that are trying to be suppressed. Honestly, the same could be said for Kristen Stewart’s performance, which was just as outstanding. Penélope Cruz also did very well. Nicole Kidman was fine, even if it was just a Lucille Ball impression. And Jessica Chastain, while entertaining to watch, was perhaps a little over-the-top.

Actress in a Supporting Role 

While I have no complaints about any of the other nominees here, Kirsten Dunst in The Power of the Dog stood out to me the most. The emotional weight of her character was portrayed very well in her performance. Jessie Buckley was also quite great, as it seemed like quite a challenge playing a younger version of Coleman’s character. Ariana DeRose, Judi Dench, and Aunjanue Ellis were also pretty good. Really, I’d have no major complaints if any of these nominees win.

Animated Feature Film 

The Mitchells vs. the Machines absolutely deserve this honor. The fun and relatable charisma of this movie was so impossible for me to resist. Though like always, Disney always has the upper-hand because… well, they’re Disney. Don’t get me wrong, though. Encanto was a great movie, and I wouldn’t mind seeing it win. Luca was fun and cute too. Then there’s Raya and the Last Dragon, which I don’t remember a lot of. And the least likely to win is Flee, which is a shame cause it’s actually a really good movie! But I’ll get more into that later.

Cinematography 

This should definitely go to Dune. The creative technical innovations used to bring this world to life is just incredible. Power of the Dog and The Tragedy of Macbeth were also quite impressive in their own ways, one being more grounded and the other being more stylized. West Side Story and Nightmare Alley were quite spectacular as well, even though it did feel like they had a lot of digital polishing.

Costume Design 

Believe it or not, I’m actually rooting for Cruella! That movie may have been messy, but what a fabulous mess it was! Cyrano, Dune and the other nominations had some good costumes too. But they never really stood out to me compared to similar styles from other films.

Directing 

After thinking long about this one, I may have to go with Jane Campion. Managing to be slow and subtle while tense and brooding, I think she did a masterful job with Power of the Dog. Ryusuke Hamaguchi was just as incredible directing Drive My Car. And Steven Speilberg’s films are always a treat to watch, with West Side Story being no exception. Paul Thomas Anderson did fine with Licorice Pizza, even if the film was rather episodic. And Kenneth Branagh made some interesting stylistic choices for Belfast, some of which worked, while others didn’t.

Documentary (Feature) 

Flee is definitely my favorite here. Thematically relevant to many of today's recent events, the use of animation to hide the identity of a refugee narrator as he tells his story of survival works very well. Ascension is also quite a unique one that I feel is just as relevant, as it deals with productivity and consumerism within different social classes. Attica and Writing with Fire are also well-made documentaries that I can easily recommend if the subjects interest you. And Summer of Soul, while fine, unfortunately did not appeal to me much. Sorry, but I’m just not that into concert films.

Documentary (Short Subject) 

I really found myself enjoying Audible. It was very well-made and had a hopeful message that really resonated with me. The Queen of Basketball was fine, even if a little standard. Three Songs for Benazir was unfortunately quite boring and didn’t really go anywhere. Lead Me Home was awfully exploitative with its subject, focusing more on style over substance. And When We were Bullies was just so fucking pointless and tone-deaf.

Film Editing 

I’m going with Tick, Tick… Boom for this one. It was probably the most playful and unique compared to the other nominations. Dune and Power of the Dog also had good editing. King Richard wasn’t anything that remarkable. And Don’t Look Up?! Why the fuck is that nominated?!

International Feature Film 

The Worst Person in the World is truly the best film in this or any other category! As someone in her late-20s who’s feeling quite lost, I connected with this film so much! Drive My Car, which will be the likely winner, was also quite impactful for me. And as I already said about Flee a few categories ago, I loved it. The Hand of God I liked fine, though I did lose interest during the third act. And Lunana: A Yak in the Classroom was okay, but also pretty dull and predictable. 

Still with me? Don’t worry, we’re over halfway through now…

Makeup and Hairstyling 

It should go to Dune. It not only stood out a lot more to me than the costuming, it also added a lot to each of the characters. The makeup for Coming 2 America was also really well-done, even though I’m only going by the clips I’ve seen. Cruella was fine, but nothing as cool as the costumes. And the prosthetic makeup for The Eyes of Tammy Faye and House of Gucci were just not unconvincing at all. 

Music (Original Score) 

Jonny Greenwood’s score for Power of the Dog was truly the best one. So strange and atmospheric. The other nominations all pretty much did their job well. At worst, Don’t Look Up was probably the least memorable despite its jazzy vibe.

Music (Original Song) 

No Time to Die by Billie Eilish was my favorite here. Though to be honest, they’re all pretty forgettable. 

Production Design 

Tragedy of Macbeth definitely deserves some high marks for its incredible look. While credit could easily be shared with its cinematography, I felt like the design and settings were characters themselves. Nightmare Alley also had an immensely beautiful aesthetic. No complaints about the other nominations, as they each had their own unique mise-en-scène.

Short Film (Animated) 

Bestia was my favorite of this bunch, but due to the controversial subject and extremely graphic scenes, it’s hard for me to really recommend it. And I highly doubt the Academy would be brave enough to choose this one as the winner. I also really liked the darkly comic Affairs of the Art. However, Robin Robin was super adorable, so I can totally see it winning as it’s the most family-friendly. Boxballet didn’t appeal to me much. And The Windshield Wiper was visually outstanding, but WOW that ending was fucking pretentious.

Short Film (Live Action) 

Ala Kachuu: Take and Run might be my favorite here. It made for quite a tense and frustrating thriller. The Long Goodbye was a kind of a surprise, in which after a horrific sequence, Riz Ahmed directly addresses the viewers with some brutal honesty. Both of those shorts were quite shockingly effective in what they were trying to get across. Just as distressing, but far more satirically fun, was Please Hold. As for The Dress, it started off fine enough before devolving into some pointless shock value. And On My Mind just felt clichéd.

Sound 

Dune, just because of the otherworldly nature of the soundscape. The other nominees were fine, but nothing really stood out.

Visual Effects 

Again, Dune really deserves a lot of the technical awards. It’s amazing how seamless the visual effects look, and on such a grand scale too. No Time to Die was also really impressive, at least judging from the clips I’ve seen. And I wouldn’t be too upset if Spider-Man won, cause that de-aging effect on Alfred Molina was really top-notch. Otherwise, it was just a lot of the typical Marvel blue-screen effects, which can also be said for Shang-Chi. But God, why is Free Guy even here?

Writing (Adapted Screenplay) 

Knowing nothing about the original source materials, I’m going with whatever I felt best represented its themes and ideas through both its story and characters. And for me, that was the beautifully moving and the profoundly epic, Drive My Car. 

Writing (Original Screenplay) 

Once again, I’m choosing the screenplay that I felt best showcased what it had to offer. To me, that was The Worst Person in the World, which not only made me laugh, but it also made me stop and think things over. This truly is my absolute favorite out of all the nominations.

And now for the big one…

Best Picture 

Taking into account my own personal taste and what the Academy will likely vote for… The Power of the Dog. It really is a great film that examines that feeling of suppressed longing. And while I wouldn’t hype this up as the best film of the year, it is definitely my favorite of this main category.

Now with that said, let’s go through the other nominees, from my favorite to least favorite…

Drive My Car, a film some would argue is truly the best of the year, which I can agree with in some respects. Nightmare Alley, a Guillermo del Toro movie that I feel will be overlooked as time passes, but is still a fantastically thrilling noir. West Side Story, a grand retelling of the classic musical that Spielberg manages to make fresh. CODA, a sweet and light-hearted story that, even if it doesn’t challenge, still brings a smile. Dune, a first half to a larger story that is hopefully worth the ambition. Licorice Pizza, a fun-fueled Paul Thomas Anderson movie that may not win everyone over due to its episodic structure. Belfast, Kenneth Branagh’s semi-autobiographical feature that, while admirable, doesn’t strike the right emotions. King Richard, a standard sports drama biopic that’s neither good nor bad, simply following the typical formula. And finally, Don’t Look Up, a divisively messy satire with an obvious metaphor that only manages to bring some good performances.

And those are my thoughts. If you actually made it this far, thank you for bearing with me. And remember, these awards technically don’t really matter. You can like whatever movie you like. I just hope people at least take the time to appreciate the hard work that goes into them.

Until next year… Maybe… We’ll see...

[moviestowriteabout]

Bring It On (2000)

-a film to write about-

July 28th, 2021

Though I haven’t quite been on movie hiatus, I’ve been sticking to comfort films that I’ve seen a million times rather than new content that I can give fresh review treatment. But recently, during one of my house’s regular WiFi malfunctions, my friend and I surfed through On Demand’s odd, niche, forgettable, and memeable selections, finally landing on Bring It On (2000).

I’ve heard of this movie, and its musical version, but I’d never seen it until this week. Watching early 2000s movies is a favorite past time of mine, so watching it felt like slipping into a familiar and beloved, yet of course cringey, old friend. This month I also watched But I’m a Cheerleader (1999) for the first time, so apparently watching *queer* cheerleading movies is also becoming a trend for me. I’m not complaining. Nope.

Speaking of queer, watching Bring It On brought up an old debate of mine: is the movie queerly subtexted, am I watching it with a gay lens, or is it queerbaiting in a 2000 version of that random kiss shared by Veronica Lodge and Betty Cooper in the first season of Riverdale (yuck)?

Was I the only one expecting Faith- ahem, Missy (Eliza Dushku), and Torrance (Kirsten Dunst) to make out? And that at the very least. Because the movie also had me playing “siblings or couple” several times, and the Pantones gave me some incest-vibes. So, at the very most, I expected some kind of incesty threesome between Missy, Cliff (Jesse Bradford), and Torrance.

There is also something to be said that perhaps everything Eliza Dushku is in gives me major queer tension vibes. (Looking at you, Buffy). (Side note: can we talk about how both Eliza Dushku and Clare Kramer are in Buffy. I stan.)

Bet you didn’t think this would be this kind of review, huh?

I digress. Overall, I loved the movie. It’s 2000. You have to wade through the bullshit fact that the only type of humor in 2000 was homophobia. Also, were we supposed to laugh when that the one male cheerleader on the Toros, whose name I can’t be bothered to remember, kept assaulting Courtney (Clare Kramer)?

The movie needs more of the Clovers. I’m in love with all of them. They make it a point to refuse Torrance’s money, and they also make a point to KICK FUCKING ASS. It feels like there should’ve been a spin-off movie about the Clovers (or a graphic novel series!), rather than a million sequels (which I’m not interested in watching… except maybe the upcoming Bring It On: Halloween, which is going to probably have more Black Christmas (1974 and also 2019) vibes than anything else).

Does Isis’s character get more explored in the musical? She should be even more of a main character.

As far as a love interest goes, they played Cliff dirty when they made him do the thing all male characters in popular media do when they get whiny and touchy and weird when they feel like they’ve been misled or tricked rather than have a proper conversation with the female lead. Sigh. That’s still a problem. But other than that, I think he’s cute and weird and I might have a bit of a crush on him.

Plus, it’s Joey from Hackers! The 1995 movie starring Angelina Jolie and Matthew Lillard that no-one’s heard of but everyone should see.

The movie is a glorious mess of tropes. I read fanfiction. I love the glorious mess of tropes. I’m about to steal the toothbrushing scene and use it in a fic. Too cute. The mixtape? The alternative guy and girl meet the cheerleader? I love. The witty banter? Check. The almost kiss while he pushes her on the swing? Check. The cheeky parody of cheerleading? Check. 

Now, Aaron’s car? Not a trope.

There’s a more sophisticated review of this movie out there. There are probably over-sophisticated reviews of this movie out there. But I’m here to have a good time, and this movie is too.

Have you seen Bring It On? Drop comments below, I’d love to hear your thoughts!

Slim

[therefugeofbooks]

Blogtober, Day 8: Favourite Movie Adaption — Horror Book Edition

Interview with the Vampire (1994) is one of the dearest horror movie adaptations to me.

After I read Twilight, I went through a vampire phase (who didn't?), and I read a lot of vampire books, not all very good. And I remember my mother (a closeted goth) mentioning The Interview of the Vampire movie and the books. I don't recall exactly, but I believe I watched the movie first, (the time we had cable tv at home, and the movie was on tv in the middle of the night??)

And I think it's kind of surreal how Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, and Antonio Banderas are together in this movie playing vampires and talking about the meaning of life?? F****** Tom Cruise? Antonio Bandeiras, aka Zorro? Sometimes I wonder if this was just a weird dream, and then, I rewatch it, and I can't believe this cast.

I love this cast, by the way. Brad Pitt gets the angsty vibes of Louis, the sad look, his inner concerns. Tom Cruise is fancy, theatrical, and annoying, the bat prince himself. Antonio Banderas is so weird and unique that is difficult to not enjoy his extravagance. Kirsten Dunst portrays emotions so well, and she was so young!

Even though there are some cuts and changes from the book to movie, the soul of the story is there.The events are not so slow as in the book and detailed, but I don't feel mad about it, a recurrent feeling in books to movie adaptations. Antonio Banderas playing as Armand is a little bit funny. Armand is described in the book as a red-haired little angel. However, Antonio Banderas is so weird in the movie, wearing red and with that long black hair that is also lovely.

I watch this movie at least once a year twice or thrice sometimes, and let me say, it's still very entertaining! It has its charms. The clothes are beautiful, the scenery is stunning, the Theater of Vampire's scene is terrifying, and the vampires there? Spooky. I won't lie, it's a bit cheesy, but the Gothic vampire aesthetic is on point.

Also, there's an emotional factor here. I watched this young, and then I read the books. I love Anne Rice's books despite the many problems I have with them. And I have a soft spot for Louis and for the path Louis and Lestat go together to get past their traumas and issues and reconcile. Anyway, great adaptation.

What horror or spooky book to movie adaptions do you guys like? 

[moviesandfun]

“Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” Movie Review

Like most people, I have had my fair share of disappointments when it comes to romances, but when I look back on these—as this movie has led me to do—my immediate memories are the good ones: the dance in the moonlight, the walk along the secluded waterfront.  Given the failure of the relationships, am I better off without these memories?  Is ignorance bliss?  That is the question behind Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, the new movie from Oscar-nominated screenwriter Charlie Kaufman (Adaptation; Being John Malkovich). 

The movie imagines a scientific procedure that can erase certain strains of memory.  “Why remember a destructive love affair?” asks Dr. Howard Mierzwiak (Tom Wilkinson).  The idea came to Kaufman when a friend of the film’s director Michel Gondry sent cards to his friends saying that they had been erased from his memory.  What if you could really do that, he thought, and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is the result.

A large part of the enjoyment you get from this movie comes from its weirdness, creativity and plot surprises just like in Hentai movies depicted in sites such as https://3d-porn.biz/ (this movie is not sexual in nature but it is sensual like Hentai movies for sure!), so it would do you no good for me to go into much plot detail.  I can say that the movie begins shortly after shy loner Joel Barish (Jim Carrey) has separated from his bouncy girlfriend Clementine (Kate Winslet).  Joel wants to try again, but when he goes to see her, she acts as if she does not know who he is.  He then learns that she went to Dr. Mierzwiak at Lacuna Inc. and had her memory of him erased.  She really doesn’t remember him.  Out of revenge, Joel decides to have the same procedure done.  The rest of the movie exists mostly in Joel’s head (call it “Being Jim Carrey” if you wish) as his mind starts to rebel against the loss of some of his more cherished memories.

There are also a couple of subplots involving the Lacuna staff.  Mark Ruffalo is the technician that comes to Joel’s apartment to complete the procedure and he is assisted by Elijah Wood, who is using his position for his own personal benefit.  There is also an interesting plot twist involving Mierzwiak’s assistant Mary, played by Kirsten Dunst.

There are those that are resistant to the idea of Jim Carrey as a serious actor, but with Eternal Sunshine Carrey proves himself again, just like he did in The Truman Show and the very underrated The Majestic (thank you Roger Ebert for agreeing with me on that point).  As the shy, quiet and hopelessly romantic Joel Barish, Carrey hits all the right notes; as does the rest of the cast, led by the always terrific Kate Winslet.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind works like a puzzle and it is a puzzle that you will have a lot of fun trying to put together.  Buried beneath the weirdness of Eternal Sunshine there is a touching love story.  Although the film focuses mostly on the memory of past loves, the ending reminded me of a different romantic thought.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is one of the year’s best movies.  I give it an A.

[everymovie2020]

Now & Then (1995)

Date watched: 26 October 2019

Guys, I want to talk about this movie

I just don’t know where to start because this movie means so much to me, and I love it dearly, and when I think about my childhood, I think about this movie.

It means a lot to me because I distinctly remember watching it (over and over) with my best friend, Lisa, and so whenever I watch this movie I think of her.  The VHS copy that we used to rent from the video store had this music video in front of the movie (WHY? I DON’T KNOW):

Yes that’s Ant & Dec or as they were in 1995, PJ & Duncan and no, I DON’T KNOW WHY.

I just remember it playing in front of this movie because we USED TO DANCE TO IT.

Look, it’s kind of a banger, right?  In front of Spiceworld they had the Spice Girls song “Stop” which we also used to dance to, because we were 12 and that’s just what you did.  We were powerless to resist.

So this movie, like, in the great pantheon of movies that I love, of which there are many, this is right up there.  One day I might try to rank them in order of favourites (Titanic is number 1, spoiler alert) but I would genuinely struggle with that because they’re all just “my favourite”.

So let’s talk about the greatest movie of all time featuring this banger line-up of LADIES:

Demi Moore

Melanie Griffiths

Rosie O’Donnell

Rita Wilson

Christina mutha-fuckin’ Ricci

Gaby Hoffman

Thora Birch

Ashleigh Aston Moore (RIP)

And featuring the likes of Bonnie Hunt, Hank Azaria, Cloris Leachman, Devon Sawa, Janeane Garofalo, Brendan Fraser and various others, it is a CAVALCADE OF STARS.

Now, this movie, which I love so much, has 28% on Rotten Tomatoes.  Twenty-eight percent.  What fucking percentage of that is old white dudes WHO DON’T FUCKING GET IT?

And the audience score is 83%.  What does that fucking tell you, right?  THEY KNOW NOTHING.  NOTHING.

Should I even try to break down the plot or should I just keep gushing about how much I love this movie?

Okay, basic plot - they are four girls, they are best friends who make a pact to be there for each other whenever they need each other.  They grow up, move away, get married but when Rita Wilson is about to have a baby, they all come back together again.

IT’S BEAUTIFUL.

It’s a coming of age story but for girls and as a girl, I APPRECIATE THAT.

Also, the soundtrack is a FUCKING BANGER.  If you like 70s pop music - and I do - you will fucking love this soundtrack.  It is full of bops.

This movie also features a cameo by a super hot and scruffy Brendan Fraser and guys, there is always room for Brendan Fraser.

Plus you’ve got peak Christina Ricci and like, I’m straight, but I think there’s a part of me that’s always been a little bit in love with Christina Ricci.  Let’s talk about her character in this movie, Roberta.

Now, Roberta is a tomboy with three brothers, she tapes down her boobs, she wears masculine clothing and she’s not afraid to get in a fight.  I’m not stereotyping here, but... she’s gay, right?  Like... yeah?

My only quibble, if I have one, is that Rosie O’Donnell plays the grown up version of Christina Ricci because they look literally nothing alike, but also... I can’t unsee Rosie O’Donnell as a lesbian, so... in my head canon, Roberta is a lesbian.

But they specifically mention in the movie that she has a boyfriend, and she is the only one who has a moment with a boy, when she kisses Devon Sawa (get it girl).

I’m going to watch Casper soon, don’t worry, I’m all over the Christina Ricci movies.

Anyway, my point is this - you cowards.  If this was a 2019 movie, she’d be a lesbian.  But it was made in the 90s, so she’s not.

It is my only criticism.  She could still be a lesbian and kiss Devon Sawa.  Just saying.

Maybe she’s bi?  Who knows, honestly.  She’s a doctor in the movie, I’m sure there was college experimentation.

In any event, Roberta is my favourite character in this movie because she’s the best.

Also can we talk about how Christina Ricci is also the best?  I looked up her age and she’s almost 40 and I cannot believe it.  I have grown up with both her and Kirsten Dunst, like... it’s weird as fuck.

Anyway, do yourselves a favour and watch this movie.  It is the fucking bomb and the critics, once again, do not know what the fuck they are talking about because this is a 10/10 banger.

Directed and written by women as well, guys.  In 1995.  A classic.

[monstermonstre]

Hello I just saw that you reblogged sth from interview with a vampire and I'd really love to hear some Thoughts! Did you like that movie? Did you read the books? What do you think about the (imo absolutely hilarious) Anne Rice vs. fanfiction discourse? Idk it's just that I haven't seen that movie in ages and I remember watching it and being like ??Okay? (without knowing anything about it) and I usually like your take on things like these, but I'm sorry if I'm bothering you so feel free to ignore

i did see it multiple times! but it’s been a while since the last rewatch. i never read the book. i tried reading queen of the damned but didn’t get far.

i think anne rice is a piece of trash with fandoms and i lived through not being able to write fics of her works on ffnet (not that i would have written any, but i remember looking for some and then realising she wasn’t even an option and learning why). like she seems like e.l. james and what’s her name the one who wrote shadowhunters.

and i can’t WAIT for the vampire chronicles tv series because then she’s gonna realise times have changed and the internet has too and she can’t prevent people from writing fics anymore.

i remember really liking the movie. the wigs are weird but it gets endearing idk. i loved the bits with kirsten dunst the most, she was so good! i made a ref to the queer undertones of the movie in a wip im writing but i don’t remember the queer moments i just KNOW there were a few.

so yeah like i’m not bringing anything constructive haha. just “i like it, would rewatch again, lots of fun, but anne rice can choke”

[radramblog]

The human spider

Completely separate from any sort of rewatch-into-new-movie styled marathons, I’ve rewatched the first two Sam Raimi/Tobey McGuire Spiderman movies in the last 24 hours. Sort of a spur-of-the-moment thing. Missed when everyone else was doing it, so.

I think these movies are pretty well-remembered, with the third one becoming sort of an ironic fave, but upon review…they’re really kind of fucking weird?

It might just be because the MCU has defined what a modern superhero flick is, despite the best efforts of D.C., but the Raimi films feel very, well, cheesy. A combination of odd direction for a lot of characters, the early 00s trends like people screaming directly into camera (I feel bad for Kirsten Dunst’s vocal chords) and bad CGI makes the trilogy age much worse than a lot of its contemporaries. And yet, they were probably still the best superhero movies out there until the MCU got rolling- at least, of the era.

Spider-Man and Spider-Man 2 are just strange to watch nowadays. There’s a real lack of polish to them, to the acting, to the cinematography, and especially to the script. It feels like a lot of the time things have been rewritten a few too many times, or things didn’t make the edit (considering how many weird transitions the films have). I think the thing that struck me the most is how many scenes are basically setup for sequels- especially everything to do with Harry Osborn, even in the first film. Even the MCU, which is basically built from the ground up to have sequels for basically everything, keeps it’s “sequel bait” to the post-credits scenes most of the time.

I do regret that I just can’t enjoy these films the way I did as a kid. Like, they’re still fine, probably like a 6.5/10 or so, but they aren’t great. I recall people saying that Spider-Man 2 was the best film the character has ever gotten, and like…not really? The romance between Peter and MJ is really weird (I feel bad for that fiancé character!), so much of Doctor Octavius’s science is weird and questionable, not to mention how odd Aunt May seems to be portrayed some of the time. I just don’t really get it? Like, it’s been a while since I’ve seen 3, I know it’s cringe, but is it really any worse than MJ showing up at Peter’s doorstep in her fucking wedding dress?

It is still probably the best movie based on a hit video game, I’ll give them that.

I suppose the films are really carried by the villains, both in performance and in character. Willem Dafoe’s Goblin is delightfully deranged and has more of a human side than I’d expected, making every scene with him a pleasure- though his death scene makes actual zero sense. And Alfred Molina’s Doc Ock is similarly fun, with those arms being genuinely the best animated thing in the series…because they’re actually animatronics, I think. When CGI was still that new, the old ways were still the best.

The Sam Raimi Spider Men are effectively a relic of a different era, where we didn’t have a strict definition for what a superhero movie looked like. Before the MCU, before even the Dark Knight trilogy, when our defining incarnations were like…the 1978 Superman? Batman and Robin? Fuckin Inspector Gadget? I do think that were the MCU not a thing, Spider-Man would probably have been a defining icon of superhero cinema for time to come- the movies were pretty popular- but because of said massive multi-billion-dollar franchise, there’s only a scant few ages for whom these were The Superhero Movies From When I Was A Kid.

And I’m kind of done with the MCU at this point…but maybe those kids have it better.

[samdukewieland]

Stuck Inside Media Diary Week 6

It was during this week that it dawned on me just how many movies I’ve watched since when I started keeping track of it. Then I got to wondering how long I keep this going-it’s kind of a bit, but also not one totally. I guess as soon as I go back to work and no longer spend my days playing PlayStation for hours on end and there’s no longer The Ticket to listen to for the day, that’s when it stops. Got real close to breaking the streak this week, which is probably the most harrowing thing I’ve been through in about 7 weeks (for the record, Week 1 was not documented as there was not much to document).

Sunday, April 26

Mad Men, “The Mountain King”, “Meditations In An Emergency” [Season 2 Finale], “Out Of Town” [Season 3], “Love Among The Ruins”

California Don Draper/Dick Whitman is a real nice sweet spot that Mad Men taps into this season, or at the very least it comes across as much more interesting than the adventures of young Dick Whitman. It’s, obviously, the most honest we see Don/Dick whenever he’s around Anna and makes you realize just how much work he puts himself through to not be honest to anyone or himself. But to see Jon Hamm go between both characters really knocks you back on your ass-Draper is a pretty surface level “showy” character display, at least in the first season, and I’m glad they decided to flesh him out now like this, by giving the audience something that isn’t so wooden or warn out (wooden is usually an insult, but take it to mean like a gorgeously polished oak table or redwood or something else you could stare at for hours). That ending with him and Betty at the kitchen table is an incredible showcase for both of them (I used to be very dismissive of Betty, but I realize now that that was super unfair and dumb of me! so it’s been kind of eye opening re-watching this and realizing that January Jones was/is actually really good)

Season 3 is probably my favorite season of the show, from what my brain can recall and it really hits the ground running. You can feel the energy radiating off of it (when they were writing it they had already won their first Emmys and were already looking highly favored to repeat success in season 2).

Plot Against America, “Part 5″

Beef House, “Army Buddy Brad”, “Prunes”

Three Busy Debras, “A Very Debra Christmas”, “Cartwheel Club”

People really underrate Adult Swim and Cartoon Network, especially when you find yourself with an awkward amount of time before watching something at a scheduled time. Just nice li’l 15 minute (barely) long episodes before The Last Dance, that’s nice. Also I think the last time I talked about Debras I compared it to Stella which I stand by, but I’d also throw in Strangers With Candy and Pee Wee’s Playhouse. So if you like that kind of stuff.

The Last Dance, Parts 3 & 4

Dennis. Rodman. The downside of these episodes is that they go fully into the time jumping aspects that it didn’t do as heavily in the first two installments. I also think they might play better if they ran right after the first two parts, rather than have that week long simmer. That’s like the most critical thing I can say about them, and it really just boils down to “I want more now.” Love that Isiah Thomas has no shame in being in the doc, despite just being taken to the dome by e v e r y o n e featured in it. Probably the best example of “no such thing as bad press”-it should be taught in business school or wherever agents go to school.

Monty Python’s Life Of Brian, Jones 1979 [as of now this is available on Netflix]

This was, somehow, a big blind spot in my Monty Python catalog. I think I very quietly went through a contrarian phase of “Monty Python isn’t that funny” somewhere in college, probably a li’l in high school too. It’s definitely been a thing I’ve been worried about re-visiting (I can’t remember the last time I watched Holy Grail, which I considered a religious text) and wanted to keep at arm’s length. That was very uninteresting and there is nothing at all interesting in me admitting that this movie’s really fucking funny; I was cackling when they bring out the huge stone during the stoning scene. The alien thing, while I respect in a purely “well, we don’t know how to get from this point to this point with it ‘making sense’ so let’s just go all the way to nothing”-stance, I’m just pretty allergic to anything Gilliam (I’m guessing) thinks of as incredibly clever. Life Of Brian: good!

Monday, April 27

Parks And Recreation, “Tom’s Divorce”

This feels like a very underrated episode of Parks, not in the conversation a lot, which feels like an oversight. I also just realized that it’s a Harris episode, so that could be why I am trying to champion it right now. Honest, I didn’t know until two minutes ago.

Mad Men, “My Old Kentucky Home”

Mmmmm. There’s an image from “Old Kentucky Home” of Roger Sterling that is still so shocking and I’m using a great deal of restraint to not post it above (because it’s super-duper racist), but I am still in awe that a buddy of mine from college used/uses(?) it as a cover photo on one of his social media accounts. IF only I could be so bold as he, or Roger Sterling in black-face. 

The Virgin Suicides, Coppola 1999 [as of now this is available on Prime]

Grew up in a pretty anti-Sofia household from at least one of my undisclosed older brothers. I was told very early on that she is overrated and not very good at what she does and I just never investigated to see if that was true or not until...well I guess last Monday night. Baby’s first Sofia Coppola movie, babe. Talk about a mood! I liked it, I think? Yer kind of a weirdo-guy if you really latch yerself onto loving The Virgin Suicides, but I guess I didn’t realize how much of the movie has Kirsten Dunst or the other sisters not talking before I saw it. Or that James Woods is a pretty convincing sad/quiet/weird guy (as tempting as it is to say that this is the last good thing James Woods was good in, the correct answer is Recess: Schools Out-maybe John Q ((I haven’t seen it.)) I wonder how many conflicting feelings Josh Hartnett inspired in teenage girls between 1999 and 2001. Great job, Sofia, sorry I’m late to the party and for the pre-conceived notions that were lodged into my stupid brain.

Tuesday, April 28

Mad Men, “The Arrangements”, “The Fog”

Attaboy to “The Arrangements” for giving Carla Gallo work (tsktsk for not finding a way to use her more). “The Fog” is pretty mediocre Sopranos karaoke episode; not great, but not as bad as I remember it being. The Betty being hazy sequences aren’t as long as I recalled them to be, so that was nice. Plus all the Gene stuff....man, I don’t know.

The Manchurian Candidate, Demme 2004 [as of now this is available on HBO]

Jonathan Demme is easily the most underrated director of his time, especially when it comes to shifting genres and putting such an overwhelmingly human touch to everything he works on. This is probably the movie that has the least amount of that, but it takes these wild swings and chances that you can’t help but respect the hell out of what you’re watching. It’s maybe the weirdest Denzel role I think I’ve ever seen, but he’s so good in it, but that’s just kind of the standard in Demme movies. What’s the worst performance you’ve ever seen in one of his movies? Is there one? I’ve never seen the original Manchurian Candidate so I don’t super know where or what this one lacks, but it’s so strange that it has made me want to go back and watch it again to try and understand or just watch the choices that Demme makes in this movie. How about Streep!

Joe Pera Talks With You, “Joe Pera Gives You A Piano Lesson”, “Joe Pera Watches Internet Videos With You”

I know I harp on this a lot, but it’s just so wholesome and I guess I’m just shocked that anything this wholesome could have Connor O’Malley’s prints all over it. I say that as an admirer of both things, but just can’t wrap my head around the two come together.

Wednesday, April 29 

Something Wild, Demme 1986 [as of now this is available on HBO]

This movie’s incredible. I knew absolutely nothing about it going in, other than it was Demme and Jeff Daniels (every time I saw the poster, my brain just registered Melanie Griffith as Catherine O’Hara, because that’s who it looks like at a glance). I was floored, I couldn’t believe a movie like this existed and I just hadn’t seen it (though, to be fair, I can’t imagine a person who doesn’t love Jonathan Demme going out of their way to see this in 1986, let alone 2020). And I’ve got some apologizing to do to Melanie Griffith after being pretty underwhelmed by her in Working Girl, I loved her in this. I also can’t help but wonder who has had a worse life (in the face) because of cigarettes, Ray Liotta or Al Pacino? If you want actual good discussion on this movie, I can’t implore the Blank Check episode with Scott Aukerman where they talk about it (there was also nothing more, personally, of a relief than hearing them talk about how it reminded them of a David Lynch movie and After Hours, thoughts I also had while watching, but am by no means enough of a Lynch-head or have seen After Hours enough to confidently throw that out in the open without someone else saying it first).

Thursday, April 30

Mikey And Nicky, May 1976

About once a year Criterion does a 50% sale and lately I’ve tried to take advantage of that (having a disposable income really lends itself to doing this). This was a movie I knew nothing about, other than Peter Falk was in it and ya know what, I really like Peter Falk. I wasn’t expecting an all-night movie, I was barely expecting a crime/mob movie, but it technically is. It’s about so much more: cowardice, male-friendship, our weaknesses and shortcomings as people, Ned Beatty being pissed about driving around New York City and getting lost. I’ve thought about it a lot since watching it and I’m glad that I own it and can re-visit it whenever I want.

Parks And Recreation, “Christmas Scandal” & “Special”

Joe Pera Talks With You, “Joe Pera Has A Surprise For You”, “Joe Pera Helps You Write An Obituary”

When you just look at these titles on paper (or screen, rather) without actually seeing them, it’s a pretty good setup as a joke. However, this is when the season and show takes a very melancholy turn that’s incredibly moving. (I think he might’ve actually lost his grandmother between seasons-very possible I have this wrong, I just know the character was based on her)

Friday, May 1

Mad Men, “Guy Walks Into An Advertising Agency”

Man, this episode.This is an all-timer on every level; not an ounce of fat on this one and maybe one of the funniest things to happen on this wonderful show.

X-Men: Dark Phoenix or, uh, just Dark Phoenix, Kinberg 2019 [as of now this is available on HBO]

Incredible that people in charge of an X-Men movie decided an actual team that should be depicted in this movie was Mystique (team leader, lol), Cyclops, Jean, Nightcrawler, Hank/Beast, Storm and Quicksilver. I mean yeh, this thing is really bad, potentially worse than Apocalypse, because that at least tried to have a personality. Though the train sequence here does have some redeeming qualities to it, so it might have the edge-I couldn’t tell you a single set piece from Apocalypse other than Oscar Isaac’s beautiful mug being caked in blue make-up (lol). Also, I gotta admit, mad respect to Kinberg for the incredible bait and switch with making Jessica Chastain look enough like some kind of mixture between Cassandra Nova and Emma Frost where you’re expecting her to be either of them and not just a shape-shifting alien.

Joe Pera Talks With You, “Joe Pera Shows You How To Do Good Fashion”, “Joe Pera Shows You How To Pack A Lunch”, “Joe Pera Talks With You On The First Day Of School”

I obviously want more episodes of this show, but if there were ever a perfect collection of stories, it was this.

Saturday, May 2

Top Chef, Season 17 episode 7

Tough, tough loss for Eric [insert Tom Colicchio “there’s always Last Chance Kitchen”] who I really admire and absolutely loved last season, I wish he had not gone on All-Stars this year, gained a couple more years, polish his technique and come back on the next All-Star season and sweep the floor. No shame in this loss though, because half of the competition this week was pretty dumb, though this was good build-up for Restaurant Wars, which the producers seem to always have hanging above their head as fan favorite and they feel like they need to throw Poochie in there.

Mad Men, “Seven Twenty Three”, “Souvenir”, “Wee Small Hours”, “The Color Blue”, “The Gypsy And The Hobo”, “The Grown-Ups”, “Shut The Door. Have A Seat”

I don’t know if I necessarily advise watching 7 episodes of Mad Men like I did this past Saturday. However, I think you’re kind of hard-pressed to not want to just keep the tap going on this one. Incredible stretch of episodes for January Jones and a real proper introduction to Henry Francis, probably a character I should hate, but have a lot of affection for. He might be the most sincere character on the show, which makes him pretty endearing. “Shut the Door. Have A Seat” is also one of the best getting the gang together sequences/movies I think I’ve ever seen. This is also a real, real tough stretch for Don, humanity wise, between his handling of poor Salvatore and his dealing with Betty once he finds out about she and Henry. Great season, great stuff.

The Death Of Stalin, Iannucci 2017 [as of now this is available on Netflix]

Despite knowing (possibly) an embarrassingly low amount about Russian history, I dug it. Felt like the joke was probably on me partially, because of how little I know about Russian history, but is that gonna make me not enjoy watching Jeffrey Tambor in Hank Kingsly form bounce off of Steve Buscemi, Simon Russell Beale, Michael Palin and Jason Isaacs (holy shit, Jason Isaacs in this movie)? Nah. Though, be warned because this thing is probably ripe for your cousin who goes out of his way to tell you stuff like “well Doctor Strangelove is satire, that’s why it’s so genius.”

[monicalorandavis]

best friendship is wasted on kids

The best friend I ever had was one I made in third grade. Or maybe fourth. I always thought we’d both started at Baldwin Hills the same year but that can’t be right.

I started at Baldwin Hills Elementary School in the third grade. I had a bowl cut then. My mom made me wear a dress and I was livid. Years later, my friend, Christina (a very good person), told me she’d befriended me believing I was “a little boy in a dress”. At the time, it was fairly true. I mostly thought of myself as a boy (early gender bender). I was ahead of my time and going through a phase. Now it would go over much better but 25 years ago, different story. I was a pariah. I rejected girly, frilly prissiness in favor of all things rough and tumble. I played basketball and picked my nose freely. In my heart (and in my nose), I am still that girl.

At the end of second grade my parents told me I’d tested “highly gifted” and I’d be switching schools the following year. I was sad but not devastated. I could do with a fresh start. Try out my shaggy Johnathan Taylor Thomas aesthetic with a new crowd and see what happened. 

I’d liked Community Magnet and all. I’d even loved my second grade teacher, Angela, a woman whose curly hair hung around her shoulders like a cartoon gypsy woman’s. She’d instilled in me a general liking of myself that hadn’t existed before. I was grateful for her but she wasn’t my friend. She was a grown-up and I knew grown-ups and little kids were not real friends in the way that grown-ups and grown-ups were real friends and kids and kids were real friends.

I don’t have diaries from that time. When I think back on the summer before I can’t conjure up much. I don’t remember laying my first day of school outfit out on my bed and obsessing over every detail. But I do remember the first day of school. I approached my new school fearfully. I spent the first half of the day by myself, uncomfortable in the clothes my mother picked out for me. I felt like I was performing “girl” instead of being Monica. I didn’t talk to anyone. I didn’t know where to look. My new life of loneliness was destined. Then at recess, idly bouncing a ball by myself, Christina approached me and invited me to play with her and her friends. To this day, a kindness has yet to feel so profound. 

Almost immediately things began to fall into place. As the weeks went on, I became popular because Christina was popular. Boys gave her presents and Valentine’s and then I got presents and Valentine’s. This was blowing my mind. Was popularity contagious? This was very new territory for me. At Community, I’d had plenty of friends but I was not at the top of the social pyramid. But this, this made me feel important. It was intoxicating.

Fast forward to the second half of third grade, I’m crushing handball, my grades are poppin’ and I’ve got mad crushes left, right and center. Then, out of the blue, we get a new student and BAM, our whole entire class flips.

In walks a bona fide white girl. Like Mary Kate and Ashley white. Blond-haired, blue-eyed, lived in the Hollywood Hills white girl. Our heads spun. This couldn’t be. We already had a white girl. Me.

Problem was, I wasn’t really white. (My mom was Black and Japanese and my dad was white so I was only half white.) This girl was a pure breed. Her mom was British and her dad was Jewish. Things could not be more exotic. We didn’t have any Jewish kids at our school and this felt like a reason to celebrate. Last but certainly not least, both of her parents worked in show biz so we were all mere moments away from becoming famous. My heart raced.

The teacher sat us next to each other and we bonded instantly. She was funny and rude and inexplicably carried herself with a grown woman’s self-esteem. She felt like an old-time movie star. Like a tiny Norma Desmond. Or Kirsten Dunst in Interview With A Vampire.  An adult tragically trapped in a child’s body for eternity. She’d say things to our teachers that no one dared to say. On top of that, she got away with it. This white girl was crazy and she made grown-ups afraid? I was obsessed.

The closer she and I got the more distant I became with my other friends. Months before they were my saving grace, and now I’d traded them in for this fearless interloper. But it was chemical. It felt out of my control. Her DNA had imprinted on me like a duck to her ducklings. Her life felt glamorous and I felt glamorous just being next to her. She lived fearlessly and so I started to too, little by little.

Pretty quickly, we were laughing so hard in class that we had to be moved across the room from each other. But it was no use. The spell had been cast. When I was in class I was just waiting for the lunch bell to ring so I could tell her all the funny things I’d thought of. She would cry so hard from laughing that I’d feel warm all over. She was the first person to tell me I should be a comedian. Then her mother agreed. And this was coming from a woman who put people in movies. It felt like my life could explode in any direction at any moment.

When Clueless came out our life purpose came into focus. It felt like a prophecy foretold by the elders. We would become fashionistas, drive Jeep’s and stay friends forever in our side-by-side Beverly Hills mansions. We began coordinating our outfits daily. I slept at her house. She slept at mine. Our parents became friends. I stayed at her family’s cabin in Tehachapi. (I had a friend with two houses.) Not to mention, her annoying little brother befriended my annoying little sister. We could now spend hours to ourselves without the constant interruption of siblings crashing the party.

I was at her house so often that I knew her nanny’s weird idiosyncrasies. I knew her neighbors (one of which had acted in the Tim Allen blockbuster, The Santa Clause). It felt like I belonged. Our friendship was occasionally accented with 90s pop moments that hammered the nail into our bond. We’d stay up all night belting the lyrics to “You Oughtta Know” by Alanis Morrissette and then we’d cry about our future heartbreaks. That album gave us the soundtrack to our lives. Imbued with feminist 90s bravado we frequented the Beverly Center and looted the Limited Too accessories bins like we owned the mall. When I think about that time it feels like I’m watching an un-aired episode of The Babysitters Club. I’ve never felt so important and self-assured.

One of my favorite things about her was her ease with breaking the rules. She was a vehement and pathological liar. She possessed a truly stunning propensity for it. She’d lie to my parents’ faces telling them that her own parents had requested my attendance for dinner and it would be best if I slept over so that we could finish our project for school. All the while I’d be hyper-ventiliating, praying that my parents didn’t ask for any details regarding the phony dinner invitation or fake project. They never busted me for it because they recognized the change in me. This lunatic was making me so happy.

By the end of fourth grade, things at her house started to change. We started seeing her dad less often. But, we started seeing more of his assistant, a gorgeous Indian woman my friend’s mother called “The Brown Devil” (fully racist...). Then, her brother started acting out, hitting my sister, screaming at my parents. I could feel things were getting bad when he lit a fire in his room and almost burned the whole house down (but to be totally honest, he was already sort of like that.) When her dad moved out I didn’t think much of it. Mainly because my friend didn’t think much of it.

As the divorce started happening, the details of the following year settled in and my parents sat me down. She would be switching schools next year. Her mom was moving them to the Valley. The Valley? I’d never even been to the Valley. She couldn’t go to the Valley. The Valley was like Bosnia. A far away place I’d never find on my own. What’s more, I’d have to do 5th grade alone. Impossible. Sure, at one time I’d finagled a modicum of popularity in 3rd grade. But I’d be pressing my luck to expect lightning to strike twice.

To this day I can’t believe I’d only known her for a year. It was like living in some dog-years space-time continuum. I’d lived three lifetimes with her. I grew up, and grew into some version of myself that I still am. I’m loud and I’m bold and I lie sometimes. I bend the rules. I think I’m important.

While I stand by “Best Friendship is Wasted on Kids” it is silly to suggest that I didn’t value her then. I did. I don’t believe kids don’t deserve best friends. Oh, how they do. How I did. I was a nervous multiracial weirdo with a bowl cut whose mother controlled every aspect of her life. I needed someone to come in and shake things up. Kids deserve someone who will push them and scare them and get them in trouble. Those scrapes are the magical stuff. It’s just that kids don’t understand how important a best friend is because they don’t know that they might not be there forever. They’ve lived so few years that their perception of time is so shallow. Everything to them is forever. Days last forever.  They don’t yet know how quickly things end. They don’t yet know that sometimes you see people for the last time. 

If I’d have known how impermanent it all was perhaps I would’ve held on a little tighter. I would’ve pestered my mom to drive the 50 minutes to Sherman Oaks. But I didn’t. One, my mom was scary and I would’ve never wanted to be stuck in the car with her for that long, and two, I felt like maybe I’d done something wrong to push my friend away. Why else would she choose to live somewhere impossible for me to get to? Where would I buy a bus pass? What would I pack for such a trip? Did buses even go to Sherman Oaks? Without her pushing me to be adventurous I’d never do something like that on my own. Plus, it seemed like she was getting along just fine without me.

Years later when I was a grown-up, I found her on Facebook (even better, I think she found me). As it turned out, she’d thought about me too. This friend who I’d lost all those years ago had thought about me all this time like I’d thought about her. She found me.

And then she found me again.

Three years ago, i was at work, on my phone, when I heard a voice introduce herself to the girl working at the desk. I looked up and saw my first best friend, smiling at me with the same smile she’d always had. We took a picture together and then she took my workout class. After it was done we chatted and followed each other on Instagram. I wished she’d stayed with me the whole day. But she left. My whole life I had wanted to find her. And she’d found me. Again and again.

And then she left, again. She, like everything else, is and was impermanent. And I, like a child, wished it had lasted forever.

[savagegardenforever]

Darren's Quotes

We love whiz bang, woo hoo"

"Starbucks Decaf coffee... caramel whatsitsname... I can't spell it!" -On his favourite drinks

"I don't have a hangover, 'cause I don't drink. But some people in our touring party might have been up to 4 in the morning... But I don't really think it's necessary to point the finger at anyone, DANIEL?"

"I can't understand a single word you're saying but when you sing I get tingles all over my body"' - on the worst pick up line

"I learned some new cuss words today folks."

"The first thing any Australian does when they come to America is watch the toilets, thanks for bringing us to America."

"Why the hell do people assume we're into gardens?"

"We blew up the garden gnome to destroy any future references to gardens."

"I have one final comment. Up until recently, it has been extremely difficult to determine which is the order line and which is the pickup line at a Starbucks. And I'm happy to see that more and more Starbucks are beginning to place signs for the pickup and the ordering. Thank you."

"We were young, and they said those photo's would never be published."

"I go to movies a lot. I'm tragic."

"I didn't forget the words it was the sound" "Actually, I’m a vegetarian so I'd make a really bad vampire." "That was whos-er and what's it with 'Truly Madly Deeply'...Sausage Garden!" - Back-announcing Truly Madly Deeply

"I just asked Daniel to say something and, characteristically, he refused"

"I cook quite a lot but you don't wanna eat what I'm cooking let me tell ya. Well I can cook 2 dishes. I can cook this stir-fry which kinda has like a sauté sorta vibe and the way I cook stir-fry is I get a tub of peanut butter and melt it and apparently that's not the why the way you do it."

"They call me taboo in the band, because I say the unsayable and do the undoable. I pull pranks and say whatever comes to mind."

"If someone tells me not to do something, then that just encourages me."

''Daniel has been abducted by aliens.''

''Gosh, you've got nice breasts!'' (Darren says that he sometimes says stuff without thinking)

''Play with my breasts all day and masturbate.'' - on what he'd do if he could be a woman for a day

''My passport's a slut, it's been with everyone.''

"I'd run around the back yard in red socks - that would be the play. I'd be devastated when nobody turned up."

"How was that experience for you Dan, pretty good?"

"This is a commonwealth country isn't it? Thank god, I would have sounded SO dumb!"

"Papa says its okay to love your pet as long as you don't LURVE your pet"

"I'm only doin' this 'cause I love you."

"Sleep in. Do Yoga. Write songs. Have friends over for dinner. Make love! Sleep." - Darren on what his typical day would be like

"We're decent people, but every now and again we feel like throwing a tantrum. Like, everywhere we go the record company sends us pastries. Why? We don't ask for them. And there's fruit everywhere- you get a huge basket when you're only in the country for one day. There's even a pineapple in there. I mean, how do you consume a pineapple?!" "We try to be in... try to be hip... but we can't!"

"I'm an absolute, zany nutcase most of the time. I am always impersonating people, things, sometimes plants." "Today I was a little tired boarding the plane...and, well, kind of delirious... I invented an alter ego. His name is Edwardo Phillipe and he's a Latin Australian born in Brazil but RAISED in Australia. Due to an unfortunate rollerskating incident he is no longer able to perform the Salsa or other related sexy Latino dances. Don't ask me to explain. Hey..if I could dance don't you think I'd be makin' my own sexy butt videos?"

"Stay clear, take care and wear condoms."

"I can't remember what it's called again because I have the memory of a vegetable." "We were at the the circus watching monkey trainers, and we just shared an affinity for monkeys." - getting punchy from answering how he met Daniel

Darren: The airlines lost some of our baggage, and now I'm wearing my manager's underwear as a consequence of that. Interviewer: Do they fit? Darren: No, they're a little small actually.

"I've been talking about fabric softener all day."

"Ok...so.....I love my band. There's Anna Maria-Laspina who's just adorable...incredibly talented and my co-star in THE UP NOD.. And the ever sly and top secret squirrel Lee Novak...master of illusion. Ben Carey still looks more like a rock star than any of us...I love his new cowboy hat. Jennifer is our wonderful new keyboard player and she is SMOKIN'! And Angie...the evil counterpart to Anna on Backing Vocals...she is such a wonderful addition to our crew... beautiful voice..all calm and zen like and gorgeous too. Karl Lewis is constantly getting stressed over the fact that I lean..put fingerprints on and sometimes even lick the plastic shield that separates the apocolyptic bang and crash of his drums and my vocal mike. It's this barrier that prevents his drums drowning out my sound on stage... he spends hours polishing it and in an instant on stage I can reduce him to a mere SMERE..completely unrecogizable...with the pressing of my face against it. It's fun."

"Did someone say, OH MY GOD???" -, on Madonna attending a Savage Garden concert on the 'To the Moon & Back Tour' "Daniel doesn't let me have any... he's got em all... maybe I'll get this one..." - on what he does with his ARIA Awards

"Homer Hudson Chocolate Rock Ice Cream. Hmm, then straight to the doctor for liposuction." - when asked what he would go to "The Moon And Back" for "It's me! It's me! It's always me!" - when someone asked who smelled so good in the room (MTV Live) "It's DISGUSTING, don't believe the hype. [Looks at camera] Don't believe the hype. It tastes like someone scraped off the bottom of a birdcage and stuck it on a piece of toast." - on vegemite "Actually, I had my first alcoholic drink this year. It was a mudslide - a chick's drink! I was wasted after it." Interviewer: You're allowed to invite six people, alive or dead, to a dinner party... okay, only six! Who would they be? Darren: Michael Jackson, Madonna... Adolf Hitler, Jesus Christ... Ginger Spice... and myself.

"After the show...we all ended up on Billie [Myer's] bus...disco dancing and acting like complete morons. Had a blast."

"I don't know anything about football. You can tell that from the way I dance."

"I love it up the back as much as I love it up the front." - Manchester 9/12/00 concert when he told the audience he couldn’t see the people on the balcony things at the back

"I don’t know what’s wrong with me - maybe I need to get laid"  - after the CTY dance at Manchester concert

"[In my worst nightmare], this evil clown with sharp teeth came to my bedroom. I swear I was awake and it just said 'I'll be back.' I've been waiting for that damn clown to show his face for the last 20 years!"

Interviewer: Boxers or briefs?

Darren: Shit…er...er… let me think…I’m a boxer boy

Interviewer: Addaboy

Darren: Yeah, just recently, boxer boy

Interviewer: What about your partner there? [Daniel]

Darren: You know I don’t even wanna even go there (laughs)

Interviewer: (laughs)

Darren: I don’t even wanna know (laughs)

(in a Dr evil voice) "She’s a semi-fan, she’s the diet coke of fan!"

"It's not very masculine to say that the moon is beautiful tonight, but it is"

"The truth starts and ends with my lips"

"I did but believe it or not I didn't make the connection until she was on the set. Until Kirsten asked me where we got the name of the band and I just said 'Oh my God you wouldn't believe it!'" - answering if he'd seen Kirsten Dunst in "Interview with a Vampire" before working with her on the "I Knew I Loved You" video

"I think you go crazy for any accent which is not your own, I think that's what the deal is." - on why people love his Aussie accent so much

"I was the kind that noticed how some concrete sparkles because of the quartz. There's beauty in concrete if you look for it."

"I have had weird dejavu and premonitions, but I'm no psychic. I believe in God/Karma/the goodness of the universe and the power of the soul, so I don't rule anything out."

"Elation and pain are experiences that make you realise you're alive. Thank God you feel them; otherwise you'd be numb"

[adambstingus]

You May Be A Good Dude, But Here’s Why You’re Single

I used to be a “Nice Girl” — a former walking Taylor Swift song in geeky glasses who’d stare longingly through your bedroom window while singing about how terrible your girlfriend is. I used to make homemade fudge for all the cute boys in the hope they’d notice me. Now, I write romance novels. And when I published a book about ghosts and serial killers, the creepy stalker guy was the one who attracted weirdly devoted fan girls.

The point is, I know where nice guys are coming from. I’ve cringed while watching them unknowingly sabotage their relationships. I’ve winced through stories from my female friends of how nice guys became creepy. I’ve watched good guys like you chase away nice girls who really did once want to give them a chance. So if you don’t understand how your sweetness and good intentions could possibly scare anyone away, buckle up, because I’m about to give you some inside info on where you’re going wrong.

5

The Big Sickly Sweet Romantic Gesture

Here’s a fun game. Sit down with a bunch of girls and ask them to make a list of the sweetest, most romantic things a guy they like has ever done for them. Then ask them to make a list of the creepiest, scariest, most WTF things a guy they didn’t like had ever done to try to get their attention. Then count how many of the exact same things are on both lists.

Sappy poetry, sketches, drawings, acoustic ballads, mix tapes — sweet, personalized, homemade gestures are the unstable land mines of romantic weapons. Get it right and you’ll demolish the competition, shake the ground, and blow away … um … whatever gets exploded when two people suddenly decide they really like each other.

Get it wrong and you’ve just shot Cupid’s dick clean off.

pixdeluxe/iStock “I made a sand castle based on floor plans from your childhood home.”

Hey, this former fudge-making girl gets the appeal of sweet sappy gestures. I’ve written poetry for guys I liked. I’ve made mixtapes and playlists. Hell, I’ve even sewn things for guys. And I’ve included all kinds of grand romantic gestures in books I’ve written. The entertainment industry has been living off the sweet romantic gesture long before lovestruck 90s kids held boomboxes over their heads. When it comes to love, we’re trained to think bigger is better.

In movies, it doesn’t even matter how jerky your gesture is. In the grand cheerleading epic Bring It On, cute-guy-who-recently-did-an-NCIS-cameo (Jesse Bradford) shows up at head cheerleader Kirsten Dunst’s house with a cassette tape of a song he wrote for her. The song starts off with him insulting the most important thing in her life, before telling her he wants to feed her chocolates and screw her in a barn. Because it’s a movie, she starts dancing on her bed in her pajamas and spanking herself with her pompoms.

Universal Pictures This is not love.

In real life, there are just so many ways to get it wrong.

First off, it has to be really good. Bad amateur poetry and crappy artwork is just sad. Beyond that, there’s no faster way to look creepy than to come on way too strong … which makes music especially dangerous because there aren’t that many songs with lyrics like, “Hey, I think you’re kind of cute and I’d like to maybe go out sometime, if that’s cool with you.”

That aside, you’ve both got to be on the exact same page for it to work. If you take her out to dinner and she hates the food, you can both laugh it off and move on. But if you spend hours writing her a song, composing a poem, or organizing a flash mob to do a choreographed dance, she has to really love it. Like a lot. Because if she’s just “meh” about it, there’s no going back from that. You’ve just crammed any hope of a relationship into your ass and fart-launched it into the sun.

Because your sickly, sweet, romantic art is your goddamn heart spilled out on paper. It’s throwing the biggest weapon you’ll ever have — and that’s an incredibly big, risky, and frankly stupid thing to do. Whether she likes it or not, you’ve just put her on the spot. It’s often embarrassing and uncomfortable … and why would you want to embarrass someone you like? That doesn’t get fun until marriage.

Martin Dimitrov/iStock “That doesn’t even look like me. Terrible.”

You want to try a real-life sickly sweet romantic gesture on a real human girl? Start small. Nothing big. Nothing intense. Nothing pledging undying love. Don’t blow your romantic wad on someone you haven’t actually dated yet (or worse: is in a relationship with someone else). Because that’s just awkward and uncomfortable for everyone.

4

The Freaking Generous Grand Gesture

A friend of mine had been dating Mr. Nice Guy for about a week when she made an offhand joke about needing a massage. To her shock, he showed up for their next date with a gift-wrapped exotic personal massager. I know a guy who paid a girl’s credit card bills before he’d taken her on a first date. I know another who decided a weeklong trip together at Disney World would be the perfect way to start a brand-new relationship — and he lives in Canada.

Nice people kick ass at grand gestures. But every single one of those relationships I mentioned ended up crashing and burning in a big ball of flames and humiliation. Because here’s the thing: Grand gestures — especially financial ones — are very uncomfortable and even just plain crazy to people who aren’t used to it.

Money makes people weird. It just does. Especially when everyone else shows up to a birthday party thinking a “hey” is all the occasion requires, and you walk in with a gift-wrapped Xbox.

Don’t you hate being around the kind of asshole who’s always showing off that he has more money than you? How about the slimy turd who’s always paying the bill but leaves you feeling like he’s running some creepy agenda? Those guys are movie punchlines, villains, or Richard Gere. Don’t start off a relationship looking like a bag of money who’s saving the prostitute.

The gut reaction to this is: “I’ve spent a lifetime being told I should pay for dates and now you’re telling me that women hate men who pay for things? So, basically I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t?”

No, I’m saying your big, grand gestures might be self-sabotaging. You want to pick up the check? Then try asking the object of your affection if they’re cool with it. Or “Hey, I was thinking of booking something really fancy for our first date. Is that cool with you, or would you rather do something low key?” Remember, there are two of you in this thing. You’ve got to think about what’s not going to make it uncomfortable for her.

If your intention is to impress her with a fancy night out, and she’s on board with that idea, it’s going to be awesome. If your intention is to make her feel like she owes you something in return, you’re not actually a nice guy — you’re just a piece of shit.

3

Showering Them With Time And Attention, All The Time … Non Stop

One of the worst things I ever did, back in my nice girl, Taylor Swift stage was try to charm my way into a hot guy’s heart by giving him a personalized version of that stalker classic song where the guy pledges to watch his beloved constantly, every step she takes, every move she makes, because she belongs to him. It failed. Oh, how it failed.

For most women, nothing is creepier than a guy who smothers her by wanting to be around her, all the time. Which is really bad news for nice guys, because wanting exactly that is in their nature. They click “like” on all of her social media posts. They offer to help her with work, hobbies, homework. They show up when she gets off work to give her a ride. Being everywhere she is, all the time, forever, quickly goes from “He seems sweet” to “Ugh! Leave me alone for two goddamn minutes” to “I’m calling the police.”

I know a chick who freaked out at a guy for liking all of her posts, on all of her social media accounts, the second she posted them (He’d set up a bunch of alerts). I know another girl who ran screaming from a nice guy when it became clear he changed his bus schedule in order to sit near her every day. Basically any time you find yourself arguing with someone you barely know about why she doesn’t text you more often, you can presume the little voice in her head is chanting, “Run, run, run, RUN!”

Seems harsh? Well, from a woman’s perspective there are way more creepy, controlling, possessive, asshole stalker dudes in the world than there are nice guys. How’s she supposed to know you’re not one of them? It’s important to know that this isn’t your fault … but if you overcorrect by being around nonstop to show her how much of a normal guy you are, you’re just cranking the volume on her stalker alarm.

2

The “I’m Just Trying To Protect You” Thing

The world is full of assholes and creeps, and from the perspective of nice guys, too many hot and interesting women gravitate toward them. If only the evildoers among us were unmasked and the pretty girl at the next desk really saw just how bad that guy is, she’d fall right into your arms. Or at the very least, you’d be saving her a world of hurt.

Look, I get it. It’s noble to want to rescue people. There’s a whole subgenre of angsty music dedicated to helping girls see that their boyfriend’s a dick and a douchebag, and you can’t believe she’s really going out with him because he doesn’t know anything about her because he isn’t what a prince and lover ought to be. Which can be very sweet and very caring. Sometimes. But honestly? It can also be patronizing as hell and extremely annoying, because basically what you’re saying to a fellow grown-ass human being is that you know better than her and she’s not smart enough to know what she’s gotten herself into. You’re telling her that by going out with that guy, she’s being duped. You might as well be shouting directly into her face, “Wake up, you fucking idiot!”

It comes in lots of forms: “Here’s all the dirt on the guy you’re dating. Here’s why he’s no good for you. If you were my girl, you’d be treated like a queen,” or “Please don’t do this thing I don’t like because it’s bad for you, and I want you to be healthy and happy,” or “Please don’t ruin yourself by screwing that guy, or getting that tattoo, or going to that college, or whatever.” All of that boils down to, “Hey girl! I know what you need better than you do!”

Whether you like it or not, she’s got a reason for doing whatever she’s doing. Sure, you can offer to weigh in as a friend. But be prepared that she might not want to hear your opinion and it’s likely to piss her off.

Her body, heart, future, and mind are her business. Those things belong to her. Not you. Forgetting that, or acting like she doesn’t make good decisions, or nagging her about her life after she’s told you to drop it, will make you look like an asshole and fast.

You care. You’re nice. But as much as you’re going to hate hearing this: Sometimes, being too nice really is the problem. And that brings me to the point that is going to sound like an alien language to nice guys …

1

You Avoid Confrontation At All Costs

Nice people don’t like fighting. They don’t like hurting people, so they don’t risk confrontation. Because of that, they often don’t say what they mean. They also don’t like rejection, so instead of just coming out and saying they’re interested in a person, they drop hints. Then they get frustrated and hurt when that person doesn’t catch on. Unfortunately, that all adds up to make you look like a petrified little kid.

If nice people are lucky enough to get into a relationship, they’ll do just about anything to keep it … which often means avoiding arguments. They won’t bring up what’s bothering them, especially if the source of that hurt (even unintentionally) is their significant other. Instead they hide it, ignore it, or sugar coat it for a REALLY long time, until they finally hit a breaking point, and it shoots out of their word hole like emotional projectile vomit. What should have been a simple, honest conversation turns into a huge blow-out argument.

Don’t do that.

Conflict and confrontation are a major part of relationships. You can’t ask her out if you can’t confront her. You can’t fix a fractured relationship if you don’t talk about the conflict. The important part is remembering that there’s a difference between “I’d like to talk about something that’s been bothering me” and “You’ve been a fucking bitch lately, and now it’s throw-down time!”

It’s terrifying — god knows I get that — but it’s necessary. You want to show a grand gesture of your love and commitment? This is the best way to do it. If the relationship has problems, talking about it (and, yes, even arguing about it) shows that you care enough to fix it. If you like the pretty girl, let her know in a straightforward, simple, and honest way. Remember, if she’s a nice girl, she’s probably just as terrified as you. But at least it won’t be because you came across as a creepy stalker freak show.

Mags writes books with kissing and ghosts in them. You can bother her on Twitter.

The proliferation of beer pong and craft beer may have you think that we’re living in one of the peak times to get drunk, but humans have been getting famously hammered for millennia. Like a frat house’s lawn after a kegger, history is littered with world-changing events that were secretly powered by booze. The inaugural games of the Roman Coliseum, the drafting of the U.S. Constitution, and the Russian Revolution were all capped off by major parties that most attendees probably regretted in the morning.

Join Jack O’Brien and Cracked staffers Carmen Angelica, Alex Schmidt, Michael Swaim, plus comedian Blake Wexler for a retelling of history’s biggest moments you didn’t realize everyone was drunk for.

Get your tickets here:

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/you-may-be-a-good-dude-but-heres-why-youre-single/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/175073121532

[allofbeercom]

You May Be A Good Dude, But Here’s Why You’re Single

I used to be a “Nice Girl” — a former walking Taylor Swift song in geeky glasses who’d stare longingly through your bedroom window while singing about how terrible your girlfriend is. I used to make homemade fudge for all the cute boys in the hope they’d notice me. Now, I write romance novels. And when I published a book about ghosts and serial killers, the creepy stalker guy was the one who attracted weirdly devoted fan girls.

The point is, I know where nice guys are coming from. I’ve cringed while watching them unknowingly sabotage their relationships. I’ve winced through stories from my female friends of how nice guys became creepy. I’ve watched good guys like you chase away nice girls who really did once want to give them a chance. So if you don’t understand how your sweetness and good intentions could possibly scare anyone away, buckle up, because I’m about to give you some inside info on where you’re going wrong.

5

The Big Sickly Sweet Romantic Gesture

Here’s a fun game. Sit down with a bunch of girls and ask them to make a list of the sweetest, most romantic things a guy they like has ever done for them. Then ask them to make a list of the creepiest, scariest, most WTF things a guy they didn’t like had ever done to try to get their attention. Then count how many of the exact same things are on both lists.

Sappy poetry, sketches, drawings, acoustic ballads, mix tapes — sweet, personalized, homemade gestures are the unstable land mines of romantic weapons. Get it right and you’ll demolish the competition, shake the ground, and blow away … um … whatever gets exploded when two people suddenly decide they really like each other.

Get it wrong and you’ve just shot Cupid’s dick clean off.

pixdeluxe/iStock “I made a sand castle based on floor plans from your childhood home.”

Hey, this former fudge-making girl gets the appeal of sweet sappy gestures. I’ve written poetry for guys I liked. I’ve made mixtapes and playlists. Hell, I’ve even sewn things for guys. And I’ve included all kinds of grand romantic gestures in books I’ve written. The entertainment industry has been living off the sweet romantic gesture long before lovestruck 90s kids held boomboxes over their heads. When it comes to love, we’re trained to think bigger is better.

In movies, it doesn’t even matter how jerky your gesture is. In the grand cheerleading epic Bring It On, cute-guy-who-recently-did-an-NCIS-cameo (Jesse Bradford) shows up at head cheerleader Kirsten Dunst’s house with a cassette tape of a song he wrote for her. The song starts off with him insulting the most important thing in her life, before telling her he wants to feed her chocolates and screw her in a barn. Because it’s a movie, she starts dancing on her bed in her pajamas and spanking herself with her pompoms.

Universal Pictures This is not love.

In real life, there are just so many ways to get it wrong.

First off, it has to be really good. Bad amateur poetry and crappy artwork is just sad. Beyond that, there’s no faster way to look creepy than to come on way too strong … which makes music especially dangerous because there aren’t that many songs with lyrics like, “Hey, I think you’re kind of cute and I’d like to maybe go out sometime, if that’s cool with you.”

That aside, you’ve both got to be on the exact same page for it to work. If you take her out to dinner and she hates the food, you can both laugh it off and move on. But if you spend hours writing her a song, composing a poem, or organizing a flash mob to do a choreographed dance, she has to really love it. Like a lot. Because if she’s just “meh” about it, there’s no going back from that. You’ve just crammed any hope of a relationship into your ass and fart-launched it into the sun.

Because your sickly, sweet, romantic art is your goddamn heart spilled out on paper. It’s throwing the biggest weapon you’ll ever have — and that’s an incredibly big, risky, and frankly stupid thing to do. Whether she likes it or not, you’ve just put her on the spot. It’s often embarrassing and uncomfortable … and why would you want to embarrass someone you like? That doesn’t get fun until marriage.

Martin Dimitrov/iStock “That doesn’t even look like me. Terrible.”

You want to try a real-life sickly sweet romantic gesture on a real human girl? Start small. Nothing big. Nothing intense. Nothing pledging undying love. Don’t blow your romantic wad on someone you haven’t actually dated yet (or worse: is in a relationship with someone else). Because that’s just awkward and uncomfortable for everyone.

4

The Freaking Generous Grand Gesture

A friend of mine had been dating Mr. Nice Guy for about a week when she made an offhand joke about needing a massage. To her shock, he showed up for their next date with a gift-wrapped exotic personal massager. I know a guy who paid a girl’s credit card bills before he’d taken her on a first date. I know another who decided a weeklong trip together at Disney World would be the perfect way to start a brand-new relationship — and he lives in Canada.

Nice people kick ass at grand gestures. But every single one of those relationships I mentioned ended up crashing and burning in a big ball of flames and humiliation. Because here’s the thing: Grand gestures — especially financial ones — are very uncomfortable and even just plain crazy to people who aren’t used to it.

Money makes people weird. It just does. Especially when everyone else shows up to a birthday party thinking a “hey” is all the occasion requires, and you walk in with a gift-wrapped Xbox.

Don’t you hate being around the kind of asshole who’s always showing off that he has more money than you? How about the slimy turd who’s always paying the bill but leaves you feeling like he’s running some creepy agenda? Those guys are movie punchlines, villains, or Richard Gere. Don’t start off a relationship looking like a bag of money who’s saving the prostitute.

The gut reaction to this is: “I’ve spent a lifetime being told I should pay for dates and now you’re telling me that women hate men who pay for things? So, basically I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t?”

No, I’m saying your big, grand gestures might be self-sabotaging. You want to pick up the check? Then try asking the object of your affection if they’re cool with it. Or “Hey, I was thinking of booking something really fancy for our first date. Is that cool with you, or would you rather do something low key?” Remember, there are two of you in this thing. You’ve got to think about what’s not going to make it uncomfortable for her.

If your intention is to impress her with a fancy night out, and she’s on board with that idea, it’s going to be awesome. If your intention is to make her feel like she owes you something in return, you’re not actually a nice guy — you’re just a piece of shit.

3

Showering Them With Time And Attention, All The Time … Non Stop

One of the worst things I ever did, back in my nice girl, Taylor Swift stage was try to charm my way into a hot guy’s heart by giving him a personalized version of that stalker classic song where the guy pledges to watch his beloved constantly, every step she takes, every move she makes, because she belongs to him. It failed. Oh, how it failed.

For most women, nothing is creepier than a guy who smothers her by wanting to be around her, all the time. Which is really bad news for nice guys, because wanting exactly that is in their nature. They click “like” on all of her social media posts. They offer to help her with work, hobbies, homework. They show up when she gets off work to give her a ride. Being everywhere she is, all the time, forever, quickly goes from “He seems sweet” to “Ugh! Leave me alone for two goddamn minutes” to “I’m calling the police.”

I know a chick who freaked out at a guy for liking all of her posts, on all of her social media accounts, the second she posted them (He’d set up a bunch of alerts). I know another girl who ran screaming from a nice guy when it became clear he changed his bus schedule in order to sit near her every day. Basically any time you find yourself arguing with someone you barely know about why she doesn’t text you more often, you can presume the little voice in her head is chanting, “Run, run, run, RUN!”

Seems harsh? Well, from a woman’s perspective there are way more creepy, controlling, possessive, asshole stalker dudes in the world than there are nice guys. How’s she supposed to know you’re not one of them? It’s important to know that this isn’t your fault … but if you overcorrect by being around nonstop to show her how much of a normal guy you are, you’re just cranking the volume on her stalker alarm.

2

The “I’m Just Trying To Protect You” Thing

The world is full of assholes and creeps, and from the perspective of nice guys, too many hot and interesting women gravitate toward them. If only the evildoers among us were unmasked and the pretty girl at the next desk really saw just how bad that guy is, she’d fall right into your arms. Or at the very least, you’d be saving her a world of hurt.

Look, I get it. It’s noble to want to rescue people. There’s a whole subgenre of angsty music dedicated to helping girls see that their boyfriend’s a dick and a douchebag, and you can’t believe she’s really going out with him because he doesn’t know anything about her because he isn’t what a prince and lover ought to be. Which can be very sweet and very caring. Sometimes. But honestly? It can also be patronizing as hell and extremely annoying, because basically what you’re saying to a fellow grown-ass human being is that you know better than her and she’s not smart enough to know what she’s gotten herself into. You’re telling her that by going out with that guy, she’s being duped. You might as well be shouting directly into her face, “Wake up, you fucking idiot!”

It comes in lots of forms: “Here’s all the dirt on the guy you’re dating. Here’s why he’s no good for you. If you were my girl, you’d be treated like a queen,” or “Please don’t do this thing I don’t like because it’s bad for you, and I want you to be healthy and happy,” or “Please don’t ruin yourself by screwing that guy, or getting that tattoo, or going to that college, or whatever.” All of that boils down to, “Hey girl! I know what you need better than you do!”

Whether you like it or not, she’s got a reason for doing whatever she’s doing. Sure, you can offer to weigh in as a friend. But be prepared that she might not want to hear your opinion and it’s likely to piss her off.

Her body, heart, future, and mind are her business. Those things belong to her. Not you. Forgetting that, or acting like she doesn’t make good decisions, or nagging her about her life after she’s told you to drop it, will make you look like an asshole and fast.

You care. You’re nice. But as much as you’re going to hate hearing this: Sometimes, being too nice really is the problem. And that brings me to the point that is going to sound like an alien language to nice guys …

1

You Avoid Confrontation At All Costs

Nice people don’t like fighting. They don’t like hurting people, so they don’t risk confrontation. Because of that, they often don’t say what they mean. They also don’t like rejection, so instead of just coming out and saying they’re interested in a person, they drop hints. Then they get frustrated and hurt when that person doesn’t catch on. Unfortunately, that all adds up to make you look like a petrified little kid.

If nice people are lucky enough to get into a relationship, they’ll do just about anything to keep it … which often means avoiding arguments. They won’t bring up what’s bothering them, especially if the source of that hurt (even unintentionally) is their significant other. Instead they hide it, ignore it, or sugar coat it for a REALLY long time, until they finally hit a breaking point, and it shoots out of their word hole like emotional projectile vomit. What should have been a simple, honest conversation turns into a huge blow-out argument.

Don’t do that.

Conflict and confrontation are a major part of relationships. You can’t ask her out if you can’t confront her. You can’t fix a fractured relationship if you don’t talk about the conflict. The important part is remembering that there’s a difference between “I’d like to talk about something that’s been bothering me” and “You’ve been a fucking bitch lately, and now it’s throw-down time!”

It’s terrifying — god knows I get that — but it’s necessary. You want to show a grand gesture of your love and commitment? This is the best way to do it. If the relationship has problems, talking about it (and, yes, even arguing about it) shows that you care enough to fix it. If you like the pretty girl, let her know in a straightforward, simple, and honest way. Remember, if she’s a nice girl, she’s probably just as terrified as you. But at least it won’t be because you came across as a creepy stalker freak show.

Mags writes books with kissing and ghosts in them. You can bother her on Twitter.

The proliferation of beer pong and craft beer may have you think that we’re living in one of the peak times to get drunk, but humans have been getting famously hammered for millennia. Like a frat house’s lawn after a kegger, history is littered with world-changing events that were secretly powered by booze. The inaugural games of the Roman Coliseum, the drafting of the U.S. Constitution, and the Russian Revolution were all capped off by major parties that most attendees probably regretted in the morning.

Join Jack O’Brien and Cracked staffers Carmen Angelica, Alex Schmidt, Michael Swaim, plus comedian Blake Wexler for a retelling of history’s biggest moments you didn’t realize everyone was drunk for.

Get your tickets here:

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/you-may-be-a-good-dude-but-heres-why-youre-single/