#like wdym I’m an 18 year old human

[m34tgr1nd3r]

I love posting stuff like I'm some big famous guy but really I'm just a silly creature who generally gets 0-3 notes per post, like this is literally me

[fang3d4]

Anya’s *actual* worst fear

So throughout the series, Anya consistently references a fear of hers, other than bunnies. Gerascophobia. Which is a very long, fancy word, for the phobia of getting old. She sings about it in omwf (twice,) and she has a whole monologue to Xander about it in season 5.

It makes sense that Anya is freaked out by this. She lived for thousands of years being practically indestructible, her physical body not aging a single second. And all of a sudden she’s thrust head first back into humanity. Sure, she’s young, but while seventy years might sound like forever to us, to her it’s a blip.

Not to mention, she’s in a relationship, with a man. Now, before you come at me, Anya spent a millennium reining vengeance on men who had wronged women. The idea she has of the male sex in her mind, is almost definitely skewed to the negative. And we live in a society that is obsessed with aging. Women are expected to stay looking as young and as youthful as possible, and we are told that that is what men are attracted to and desire. Anya isn’t just scared of aging because she won’t be as mobile, or recognize herself, but because she’s scared Xander won’t want her anymore.

And unfortunately, this fear is something Xander reinforces. I’m not a Xander fan, but I understand why he left her at the altar. I don’t necessarily think that it was a mistake. But looking at it from Anyas perspective- ouch. Ever had your friends tell you a partner is wrong for you and defended them with your life, only to be publicly proven wrong? That, times a thousand. But also, Anya knows that Xander was shown a version of their future. She knows Xander saw a version of her, years from now, aged. And now he’s leaving her. I’m not saying that that’s *why,* (it wasn’t) but if I was in her position, that question would definitely be in my mind. 

I also find it interesting that Anyas vengeance demon face, almost resembles a very dramatic version of being aged/wrinkles. Anya has to have this face to have her power, but Xander finds it ugly, scary.

Through her relationship with Xander, Anya never feels adequate for another reason. We see her often trying to live up to the crush Xander never got completely over- buffy. Anya wants Buffy’s clothes, her hair. And then, who does Xander end up with? dawn summers. I know, I’m sorry, but I have to talk about it. I, like most people, ignore the comics as much as I can. But specifically the first series of comics, was originally supposed to be season eight of buffy- on the screen. And he who shall not be named, definitely knew aspects of said season before hand.

Anyas ex fiancé, who didn’t feel able to marry her, was able to take that leap with dawn. Who is, not only the younger sister of the girl she could never lived up to- and, as buffy said herself, *her* in a way- but also the youngest person he could legally be with. She was only 18 to his twenty-three when they started dating. Which, while doesn’t sound like the MOST insane age gap at first glimpse, becomes a lot more concerning when you think about the fact that Xander used to babysit her.

Joss is known for foreshadowing- he does it all the time in buffy. And knowing that dawn and Xander end up getting married in the comics, all of the “I’m gonna marry that girl- what that’s my sister she’s 15-“ “wdym dawn has a crush on spike, she’s supposed to have a crush on ME” ‘jokes’ feel like some kind of sick joke. Which, knowing wheadon, they probably were. But in season seven, that foreshadowing takes on a less ‘jokey’ tone. Obviously there’s the bronze scene in him, but I also noticed that in a handful of scenes in this season, the shot is set up to show dawn and Xander together, while Anya is being pushed to the sidelines. In one of these, Xander is hugging Dawn, while Anya stands alone at the side.

The most heartbreaking instance of this, is in the finale. Anya’s death is already so tragic- the fact that it was so fast, so close to the end, so unnoticed. But the last clip with Anya in it is set up like this: Anya is in the foreground- dead. Xander is looking for her, but dawn takes his hand and drags him away. This irks me so much, because I hate the narrative of the other, younger woman ‘stealing’ the guy away. It’s an idea that fuels society’s huge push for women to compete against eachother, to be the most attractive, or, more accurately, most desirable to men.

So, Anya is scared of Bunnies. A symbol of innocence and fertility. A symbol of her life with Olaf, a marriage she likely went into very young, and based on her attempts to postpone physical relations with him, she wasn’t entirely comfortable with. She, more than most, should understand that the standards women are set to are harmful, that they were never attainable- even in the fantastical world of buffy, you can’t be human if you don’t age. But just like most of us in the real world, that didn’t stop her from desperately clinging to those standards, forever trying to meet them, eternally scared of the privilege of growing old. One, that in the end, she never got to have.