#like unprompted so I was a little emotionally shocked which added to things but other than that whatever | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

jinxedncharmed · 6 years ago

Text

I can’t even begin to dissect what happened today so I’ll sum up.

Last night I saw a great author who brought up many interesting and engaging topics. I knew MC would love to chew over them and was excited to tell him about it. We’d had a really good day and I was feeling close to him, and I was excited to share the discussions with him.

This morning I happily started to tell him about the author but he returned some weak put downs and said he was too busy to talk about anything. I was really struck by some of his belittling comments that, to me, seemed judgmental about my intelligence, suggesting the author was a fraud and i’d fallen for “clickbait,” despite him not letting me explain. He even made a rude comment, “You didnt give this guy money, did you?” Flustered, I said “Fuck you,” and went about my business. Not a harsh, hateful “fuck you,” more flippant. I was annoyed and it deflated my excitement, but I got to work.

At lunch we had to play a stupid game at my idiot Boss’s insistence. The game involved two teams (men vs women) and cards with either positive personality traits or negative ones. The goal was for each team to design two imaginary “dates” for the person sitting out the round (we all took a turn sitting out) using two positive cards. Then the opposite team would add one negative card to try to torpedo the dates. Everyone votes silently on who the person sitting out will choose. The person picks, votes revealed, points awarded. MC successfully destroyed my initial favorite date by telling his coworker “That negative card. Don’t even sell it. I have personal experience.” The card was “They are always drunk.” I refrained from getting in a row about it, but noticed he got wrong which date I picked. (All my dates sucked, the negative cards were really bad.) When it was his turn to sit out, the shitty positive cards didn’t allow my team to build the winning date, but I was the only one in the group who successfully voted for his choice.

Near the end of the day, I’m sitting working when MC returns from a meeting, takes a deep breath, and says, “Ok, one more thing.” Then he turns to me and says, “This morning you said “fuck you” to me. And that really hurt me.“ Shocked, completely mentally drained by the long week, and feeling exposed because everyone can fucking hear us, i take a moment to come to the correct response, which is a carefully worded and i hope sincere apology. (My first instinct, of course, was to fight him. My second instinct was to mock him.)

Then we get involved in a long conversation that, for me at least, is intensely personal and intimate. He says, no fewer than THREE fucking times, that he “really values our relationship,” which was a fucking dagger to my heart each time he said it. He said that in the morning he was really stressed about all he needed to do and two big meetings he had, and i didnt know what might be going on in his personal life that might be adding stress. His specific example was “Maybe I had a fight with [wife],” to which I said, “Dude, don’t fight with [wife].” I can’t look at him through this whole talk, I shoot quick glances but it’s too intense and I’m too exposed in this fucking quad, so I keep busy organizing an exam box for processing and avoid a lot of eye contact.

I explained that his comments in the morning sounded, to me, like he was making fun of me and insulting me. I said I didn’t get the message that he was busy and stressed, and he could have been more clear, because what I heard and therefore reacted to was “you’re stupid.” I said I had been really stoked to discuss the author, and i was confused by his reaction, because the day before had been fun. “You sometimes are hot and cold,” I said. “Yesterday was fun, and i shared something really private with you. I felt close to you, and then today I felt this solid wall between us, and it confuses the hell out of me.” He said that people had given him that feedback before, and he was trying to work on it. It made me concerned, because he had specifically said he has been told he’s “moody and snippy” when he’s drunk, and i didn’t want to bring in my fears about his drinking. So I backed off that, and instead said something else intensely private again. “I know you’re facing stress here at work,” I started.

“I don’t know why,” he said, “it’s not like these exams matter to me, I don’t care about CE. I shouldn’t get so invested, but now I’ve been here a year and I feel like I have a stake in things.”

“That detachment is something I really admire about you,” I said. “You know how i get wrapped up in everything, I let all the drama here eat me up. And I’m sure my anxiety and stress affects you, it must.” This whole time I’m ruffling papers, my heart is pounding, I’m holding in tears. It’s too intimate, and everyone can fucking hear us. But I forge on and say, “I don’t believe in auras or anything stupid like that, but I have been told I exude this energy, that I can walk in to a room and completely change the mood, usually for the worse. I don’t mean to. How can I help it if I’m so black inside it hurts others? Without me even speaking? But I’ll try to control my stress around you, because I don’t want to drag you down with me.”

He was quiet and clearly thinking about that. Then the conversation turned to work, the exams, the uncertainty, the lack of restructure and the workload dumped on me. Things start to get a little personal again. We talk about misunderstandings, how it’s hard to read people. “I’m very bad at that,” I said, which is pretty fucking obvious. “Relationships are hard,” he says. I cringe at his use of that word and answer, “That’s why I don’t have any. It’s too hard, I can’t take it.”

At this point my idiot Boss comes over and makes a big announcement about how she’s been listening to this conversation and it’s so long and personal but she wants to say she appreciates how hard we are working and how we have stepped up to the plate now that MC’s boss has left.

I bet she is a master cockblocker.

So then the conversation focuses more on work, so the intimacy is truly broken, and MC takes over talking to the idiot, while I bury myself in the box, and i realize there’s a big error I have to sort out. By this point I am overwhelmed; the intense, intimate conversation with MC, the humiliation of everyone hearing it, the visual clutter of the work I’m doing, idiot Boss’s inane droning, and the stress of this year all combine and just fucking break me.

I interrupt her and announce to MC there’s a problem with the box and i need his help in solving it. He takes the hint and leaves off with the idiot, graciously digging through a recycling bin to help me out, which makes me feel terrible that he’s doing so, unasked and unprompted, at least it’s recycling and not garbage. He finds one missing page, and i manage to rectify the two other problems on my own. But I’ve had it and I’m stressed. I can’t take it. I decide the only thing I can do to improve the situation is handle the visual clutter, so I start going through all the papers, notes. Post-its, toys, office supplies, meds, and everything on the desk. And because I’m panicking I start narrating it softly to myself, “You can throw this away, this can go in the drawer, this you can handle Monday, put this stack over here…”

At some point MC’s run off and the idiot Boss is talking animatedly with her lapdog and the new girl M about a team Halloween costume, which I immediately declare I won’t participate in. The noise of the conversation bothers me but I can’t address it. So I straighten up my desk, get everything set for Monday, and flee, telling them to have a good weekend. M calls out that I can call or text her; I reply that I’m going home to a nervous breakdown and a good cry. I flee through the kitchen to where MC is talking to a coworker, so I tell them both goodbye and add to him “Sorry, again, yeah ok.” So eloquent.

Jesus. This is Andy all over again. I have no idea how to manage these emotions. I mentally cannot handle this. I was just so floored when he said to me I’d hurt him. That he’d be so open in front of those people, and he expected me to be as well. And i was. The whole office got to hear a drunk with marital problems and an emotionally stunted bitch attempt to have an intimate discussion about feelings. My god, if I make it to Iceland, I’m throwing myself off a fjord.

When I got home, M had texted me:

“You need to hear this before you go down a dark path. I listened to every word that transpired and what I heard was someone who cares very deeply for you. Enough to talk to you about his hurt feelings. You don’t have that kind of real talk if you don’t care about the person. It may not be romantic, but it’s real to him. I know it was unpleasant to have that kind of conversation, but I think good things that needed to be said (him being hot and cold) were said.”

I texted her back and she continued,

“You handled it really well. My only criticism would be to let him feel appropriately bad about some of his behavior antics. Don’t let him off the hook for being a moody little pussy sometimes. He was acknowledging it, so let him acknowledge it. You really did handle it well. I was quite impressed. But I know you’re in your head right now, which is okay, but just know that from where I sat, that was actually a very positive interaction. Again - you don’t have those types of conversations (dead sober, presumably) if you don’t care for the person.”

Christ. What a fucking embarrassment. How can I go back there and know that my entire team heard that deeply intimate, unhappy conversation? And what did all of that shit even mean? How can I fucking face him? At least I have plenty to keep me busy, I’m going to be balls to the wall for the next two weeks before my trip.

I’m going to get through this. I’m not going to make the mistakes I did with Andy. This is a work friendship. I mean, the word “friendship” doesn’t do it justice. But I can’t keep thinking “relationship.” There just is no word for it. But I mean, this isn’t love. It will never be that. I have to keep that perspective. No matter what.

He does not love me. Do not allow yourself an iota of hope. Hope will kill me. Hope is the enemy. You are his friend, so be his friend. Don’t enable his drinking, but be his friend. Make amends for Andy. Make good choices this time. Choose the middle path. And remember:

No matter how much he “values our relationship,” he will never love you.

0 notes