#like this man is currently in every bouldering gym right now im telling you

[sunnygander]

The more i learn about luigi mangione the more i realise he is the exact kind of man i would date. And i mean that in a bad way. Like when i say i could probably read this mans mind because i spent my 20s exclusively dating software engineers overcompensating for their existential dread and 6 figure salaries by getting really into the outdoors and trying to deny that they are nerds even though they play league and civ and argue about billionares all day. I mean i spiritually knew this man. In the worst way possible.

[stinkfacestories]

Stinkface Stories: Total KnockOut

Featuring: Kevin Owens, Big Show

The service elevator ran the length of the building; from the sub basement to the penthouse and everything in between. The staff used it because it was easier than taking the stairs and the talent used it because it ran directly from the gym to the suites. It wasn’t uncommon for a  PA to be riding up with coffee and contracts to have one or two slick slabs of sweaty wrestler squeeze in headed to change or go run through a routine in the practice ring.

“You can’t,” Big show said. He pressed the button to summon the elevator. He was wearing dark blue sleeveless shirt. He wa quite the imposing sight: giant,bald, big bushy beard.

“Come on, I’m telling ya, I can do it. It will really give me boost you know?” Kevin Owens, though nearly a foot shorter than Big Show, stood next to him also waiting for the elevator, They had been working out together all week. He cut quite the figure too. A little pudgier, just as big a beard. His grey t-shirt emblazoned with the letters ‘K.O’  was near black with sweat.

The elevator opened and a thin looking PA looked up, wide eyed at the two. The other runners had always joked about who would be the worst pair to be forced to ride up with, and out of all the possible combinations, Big Show was always one of the pair. The elevator itself was not nearly as big as the ones in apartment buildings. Two normal sized people would have an uncomfortable ride, let alone a giant, his fat sweaty friend and a 9-5’er.

“Hey there,” Big Show said kindly as he stepped in. The box groaned in protest but the floor held. He turned his back and wedged himself into the opposite corner, though his massive frame still covered half the width. When Owens joined him taking up the other side the PA was pressed practically nose to back with the two. The doors closed as the fourth passenger made their presence known: the hot body odor wafting off the two of them. It filled the compartment like a thick fog. The two wrestlers either didn’t notice, or didn’t care. The PA was barely able to hold his breath.

“Maybe I could just do it once and see how it goes. Then we can make a decision” Owen spoke up, the first to break the silence.

“You can’t finish with a Stinkface, there’s a tradition with it. Unless you wanna quit and do house shows in high schools for the rest of your life, then you gotta follow the rules.”

“What rules? Its sticking your ass in some guys face for fun, what rules can there be?” Owens said.

The PA heard the word ‘ass’ and looked down at the two of them. Two big ones right in front of him. Each were covered in some dark shorts; The Big Show’s were a camo pattern, very tight, almost painted on. His ass was like two monster boulders crashed together. Owens were looser, solid black, athletic--slick and shiny. He was a bit rounder. The globes of his ass were bubbly, jiggling slightly every time the elevator would jostle just a little bit.

“We don’t have time for this man, when the time comes I’tall happen.” Big Show said.

“Time? We need time?” Owens looked at the panel in front of him. He opened a small door revealing a large red lever marked ‘Emergency Only’. He grabbed at it and turned it. Turned it so far and so hard that it broke off in his big thick hands. The elevator jerked and sputtered to a halt, somewhere between the floors.

“Hey man, what the hell did you do that for?” Big show said

“Are we stuck? What happened?” The PA said, trying to see between the two walls of flesh in front of him.

“I figure we have at least an hour before they send people to get us, maybe longer for them to get us out of here. So now we have time for you to tell me just what rules and qualifications I need to finish a match with a Stinkface,” Owens said. He thumped at Big Shows arm, punctuating his point.

“Stinkface?” The PA said.

“Yeah, Stinkface. I want to start using it in my routine. I think my crowds would love it.”

“You couldn't have left me get off before you got of stuck? Can this thing hold you two? Is there enough air?”

“Hey ho, quite up now,” Big Show said. “It’s done now so no use complaining. Having you here will work out fine. We can get some outside perspective on the matter.” He looked down at Owens “So tell me. Why do you think you deserve to do this Stinkface?”

Owens smiled. “Well, look at me man. I think the crowds would love it. I’m like a smaller version of you. Got the big beard, pretty thick. Wouldn't they think it was funny if I sat my big ass on some jobber?”

“Well, you stumbled in the first requirement. You gotta have an ass. I know you can be an ass, but that dont mean that you got one. The crowds don’t want to see just any flat-ass guy pinning someone in the corner. They want to see someone with some real powerful haunches smother a guys face; that’s why Me and ‘Kishi are so good at it. So… do you really have the ass?”

Owens reached back and punched his own ass, the big thing trembled before the smaller PA. “Hell yeah man. I got one. You see this thing? I avoid doing too much work on it because I want it to be big, but I don’t want it to be to hard. Know what I mean?” He peered behind him at the PA. “You got a good view, tell the guy about it.”

“What?”

“Tell Big Show how my ass looks like it would be great to give a stinkface”

“I don’t think Im really the best to ask--”

“Come on now play nice,” Big Show piped up “We might be here a while so just be helpful. Tell the guy if you think his ass is good enough to stinkface a guy.”

The PA looked back at Kevin Owens’ ass. It wasn't something he would want to tangle with.

“I’t looks..good I guess?”

“Come on guy,I need more than that get in there” Big Show said.

Owens obliged and reached back and grabbed the guys hand and put it on his ass. “See,” he said. “Feel how its just the right mix of soft and firm. Plenty of room for a face right?”

“Yeah sure, it’s like sweaty bread dough,” The PA said

“Amature. It’s not the Stinkhand Owens.” Big show shoved Kevin and he went stumbling backwards. Flailing to keep his balance, his ass slammed into the back of the elevator; the poor PA’s face between his cheeks. Owens blubbery cheeks engulfed his face, wrapping from ear to ear. One could only imagine the smell that he must have suffered. It may have only lasted a moment, but when the beefy wrestler leaned forward and looked behind him at what he had done, the PA’s face looked as if it had looked as if it had been wedged in there for an hour. He was in shock. His face was splattered with sweat; as was the wall behind him.

“Well shit,” Big show said. “I was wrong about you K.O. That right there is the sign of a good Stinkface. The look of horror, disbelief.”

“How was it?” Owens asked the PA.

“ Uhg…” He just wiped his face.

“Good? Bad? Come on we need words dude,” Big show said. He leaned down a little “Or do you need another, longer, go to form an opinion?” He raised his eye and gave a grin.

Wet, cold, but also hot. Silent”

“Awesome,” Owens said

“And the smell?”

“Didn't inhale, thank god” The PA said.

“You didn't smell? Your face was buried and you didn’t smell?” Big Show rolled his shoulders and slapped Owens on the shoulder. “He didn’t smell. How are we supposed to judge how good it was if at the end of the day he didn’t take a sniff.”

“Im sure its bad,” The PA said. “This is a pretty small space. You can’t smell it already? It reeks in here.”

Kevin sniffed at his pits. “I smell nothing.”

Big Show sniffed too “Me either. We were in that Gym for along time. Your noses is the only one that knows. So go on smell it and tell me how it is”

“Whoa, Show you sure that’s a good idea?” Owens pipped in. “Trust me when I say that’s a pretty dangerous area back there. Might not be safe to go in and sniffing around.”

“ Ill pass,” The PA said. “I can smell it from here. I give it a 9/10 on the bad scale.”

“Not good enough for me pal,” Big show said. “Who knows what your smelling. Could be me. Only way to go is to get up in there and take a big sniff. Owens assume the position.”

Kevin turned and put his hands against the wall, spreading his legs ever so slightly, like he was preparing to be frisked. His ass was begging for someones face at that point.

“No way. You can just take my word on it.”

Big show grumbled. “Your choice pal: You can either take a big sniff of Owens, or you can be sniffing my ass  from now till the fire department gets here. And my ass don’t play nice.”

Kevin gave a short laugh, his ass jiggling with it “Aint that the truth; take the easy way out guy.”

The PA had no real option. Given the choice between the two asses, he opted for the less violent of the two.  

“Where should I, you know.. Target?”

“Right where the back turns into the ass, if your a chicken-- right in the blast zone if your a real man.”

“Blast zone?” Owen looked over his shoulder at Big Show

“You know,” Big Show blew a raspberry “Blast zone”

Owens laughed “Oh man, I get it. I should get some underwear that says that”

The PA swallowed

“So what’s your choice?” Big Show asked

“What’s the current.. Blast danger I guess?”

“... rising with each passing second bro, so the quicker the better”

The PA leaned in, settling somewhere not quite as high as the back, but a fair share north of the blast zone. He was less than an inch away. He could feel the head radiating on his face.

“Keep that mouth closed,and give it a good 30 seconds. I don't want you cheating and holding your breath”

The rank odor of Owens ass was powerful. It filled the PAs nostrils. It burned. If he were lucky it may have destroyed his sense of smell right then and there and he would be done with it. But nevertheless it kept on stinking.

“When's the last time you took a shower K.O” he asked

“What day is it now?”

“Saturday,” Big Show said

“Easy: Late Friday Night”

The PA took another wiff

“...you mean yesterday?”

Owens counted on his fingers “.. no..I think it was three or so Fridays ago.

“And when did you wash these shorts last?”

“Wash them? These are workout shorts. You don’t wash them. I just shove them in my gym bag.”

Big Show laughed. “So that’s why they call you K.O, everyone who gets a wiff gets knocked out. So how is it dude?”

The PA pulled away “Bad. Salty. Hot. I wish I had been knocked out. My eyes were burning”

Owens gave a thumbs up “Thats two for two. So I can stinkface guys now?”

“Not yet. One final qualification: The gimmick.”

“The gimmick?” Owens said

“Gimmick?” the PA said. “I thought the stinkface was the gimmick.”

“Don’t we wise. Everyone who does the stinkface does their own little twist.”

“Oh yeah,” Owens said. “Like how ‘Kishi hikes up his thong, or does it bare ass?”

“What do you do then?” The Pa asked Big Show.

“I fart.”

The PA groaned and turned away

Owens laughed. “Thats real? I thought that was a joke. You really do that when you give a stinkface?”

“Yeah. Every time.”

“Who does that? Why would you even do that. It’s not like the crowd can tell. Your big but I don’t think you could.. Do that...loud enough for the cameras to pick up” The PA said.

Big Show loomed over the PA, forcing him to one of the corners. He pointed his big finger down at the guy. “First off, if you wanna find out how loud I can fart all you have to do is ask and I’ll be real happy to give you a demonstration. Second it’s not for them. Its for me, and for the tradition.”

The PA groaned again

“I could do that too!” Owens interrupted

“You could?”

“Yeah. I never ripped one in front of you? I swear I must have. Haven't I?”

“Think you could work one up now?”

Kevin scrunched up his big bearded face, grunting a little as he closed one eye. “Yup. There it is. All loaded. I was gonna drop it in my Uber on the ride home but I can drop it here.”

“But were in an Elevator. A tiny, tiny elevator” The PA said. Both Owens and Big Show looked at him like he was speaking some alien language. “So?” they both said

“That’s like the only elevator rule. You don’t do that in an elevator.”

“I do.” Big Show said.

“Same. A lot.” Owens said.

“In fact I dont think Ive ever ridden an elevator without farting in it.” Big Show said.

“Fine. Just.. let me get out of the way.” The PA slide as far in the corner as possible, leaving Kevin on the opposite side.

“This is a stinkface test though. K.Os bringin the stink, you gotta supply the face.”

“What? No way! Not this time” The PA said.

Big Show had enough. He reached out and grabbed the guy by the shoulder, effortlessly sliding him forward. Big Show leaned back against the wall, his arm pinning the smaller man in place.

“Hey let me go!” He said

“You’re free to try, but bigger men than you have failed.”

Owens turned around and began to back up slowly.

“Hey K.O. Why not try out both. Maybe that can be your thing”

“Both?” He said

“Yeah. Drop them draws.”

K.O slid his shorts down. Like the rising sun, his pale ass light up the room. It was glimmering from the sweat. The first thing everyone notices was how hairy it was.

“Damn K.O even your ass has a beard. You ever think about getting that thing waxed?” Big Show said.

“Tried it once, but they said they didn't have enough wax and wanted to charge me three times the regular price.”

Owens backed up even more. Soon the PAs chin was resting on the dark valley that was Owens ass. He backed up even more and he could feel the weight of the two fat globes pressing him into Big Shows gut.

“Come on guys. Show. Big. Big Show. Tell him to call it off. He doesn't want to do this. You can stop him”

“Let’s see: Hey K.O”

“Yeah Big?” Owens looked over his shoulder. Lining up his ass for the best stinkface possible.

“You sure you wanna rip one in this guys face?”

“Sure do Big,” Owens said.

“There, all settled. Go on blast away K.O. Hell I think I might give him one after.

“Come on you can’t do-mpf--”

Big Show pressed the PAs head down so that everything save his eyes were pressed into Kevin’s hairy crack. He was really tasting the musky, sweat soaked forest of hair. Kevin was braced like a centerlinemen, ready to snap the ball.

“Here,” He grunted out. Half of his face was scrunched up. “Comes. The knock Out..Ahh..”  His ass erupted in a deep and vibrating blast. The bassy rip reverberated throughout the elevator, shaking even Big Show to the core. Owens went slack jawed. His mouth open almost drooling on the floor. “ Puuunnnch…...aw man now that Felt great.”

The PA’s eyes rolled back in his head as he was forced to breath in every once. He coughed, but that only forced him to breath in Owens Ass through his mouth. His senses were completely overwhelmed. He could see nothing but Owens hairy ass, smell nothing but his meaty fart, taste the salty hairs of his crack, feel the flapping and giggling of his cheeks on his face, and hear Big Show and Owens laugh.

And it wasn't even over

Owens hoisted up one leg and propped it on the wall behind him. He cocked to one side and let out another, less intense but longer sputtering fart. “It’s like a flood gate. Once you break the seal all the rest just wanna slip out”

The PAs eyes rolled back even further. The sloppy blast had done him in. With one final sniff his body went limp and he passed out.

“Damn K.O, you really earned that name.”

‘Hell yeah!” Owens pumped the air. “This means i’m in right. I can do the stinkface on my opponent's right?”

“Not quite.”

“What? Come on Show, I practically melted this guys face off. I can do it!”

“Oh you can do it all right. But you can't do it on stage till someone gives it to you.”

“Wait you mean I have to…”

“Thats right.”

Just then the elevator jerked back into motion. Big show reached over and pressed the button for the floor with the practice stage.

“I’ll see you in the ring, Owens”