#like things he has on his ipod for long plane rides

[whiskey-bumblebee]

dancing with hotch in the kitchen while making brunch at home because you’re both too fucked out to leave the house and listening to pocketful of sunshine by natasha bedingfield

because you both feel invincible on mornings like this, because you’re his pocketful of sunshine, because maybe you do want him to take you away to a secret place, a sweet escape

if only so you can populate your life with more moments like these.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #366

“you can’t take me from me”

If you’re a girl, have you ever had the urge shave your hair? No. Do you live by a forest? Not anymore. :( How old are your parents? Late 50s. What do you prefer: Small cars, hybrids, trucks or SUVs? Uh, I guess normal ones? Like the ones with four doors and not that horribly low to the ground. What’s the scariest book you’ve ever read? I've never read a book that was scary to me. Do your parents drink? Dad doesn't anymore, and Mom very rarely does, usually just for special occasions. Does downloading music without paying make you feel guilty? Yes, so idk why I still do it. .-. Do you have any pet fish? Nah. What’s your favorite seafood to eat? I only like shrimp. Does your house have air conditioning? Yes. Name the creepiest horror movie character for you: Ghostface, ever since I was a kid. I was horrified of him, and I still think his design is mega creepy. How many college degrees do you want? I wanted to get at most a Bachelor's (I never saw reason to go higher in the fields I was interested in, except for my brief wildlife biologist aspiration), but now I know I'm not getting any degrees. Do you like animals? I love animals. Have you ever written anything longer than 10 pages? Yes. What do you wear to sleep? Pj pants and a tank top. How many keys do you carry with you? One. Have you ever attended a professional sporting event? Yeah. Sometimes Dad and I would go to hockey games together. I don't really care for sports, hockey included, but it was still something we bonded over since I was normally in the living room on the laptop while he was watching it. Which do you value more, intellect or work ethic? Work ethic. Both are important, but I'd rather have a dedicated, worthy employee versus a lazy one that just happens to have brains. Have you ever been covered in mud? Yes, as a kid. Ever been to a cabin on a mountain? No, but omG I fucking wish. Ever lost your voice? Yes. Do you take your time when making an important decision? I take way too much time because I obsess over doing the right thing. Are you a cautious person? Very. Do you chew gum? Sometimes. What makeup product do you never use? A lot, really. Bronzer is literally never, I haven't touched blush in forever, and the same goes for foundation. Have you ever been offered drugs on the street? No. Have you ever seen a jellyfish? Only at aquariums. Do you ever put bread in your soup? UGH, NO. Bread should NOT be soggy. Do you want some soup? No, I don't even really like soup. Is there anything in the USB key slots in your computer/laptop? Yeah, the sensor thing for my wireless mouse. Did anyone ever draw on your face when you were sleeping? I don't believe so; I'd certainly feel it and wake up. Have you ever done that to someone else? Pretty sure no. Is there any TV show you watch religiously? No. Do you like the window seat or aisle seat on an airplane? WINDOW. I hate the aisle seat, mainly because I get dizzy when I can't see outside for some reason? I really don't know how that works, but when I sit at the window and can see what the plane is doing, I don't get dizzy. I also really want to just stare outside as I listen to my iPod. Has anyone ever really insulted you? Yes. Do you ever make banana sandwiches? I have a peanut butter and banana sandwich rarely. What’s your favorite movie soundtrack? Probably Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron. Phil went HARD, y'all. Did your parents teach you how to cook/bake when you were growing up? There were rare occasions where I helped cook, but I never really learned. If you could own any three fictional objects from any book/movie/show, what would you choose? (does not have to all be from the same book/movie/show) Ohhh, interesting. I'm going to include games in this, because that's what I'm most informed in. ... And I'm still blanking. OH! Definitely a Dreamvisitor from Wings of Fire, as I think it'd be pretty cool or even useful to see into other's dreams and even communicate. The Obsidian Mirror from the same series would also be pretty cool, but also seems somewhat immoral to me, I guess, to be able to spy on others. I mean it could be useful in some cases, but still. I somehow can't think of a third one, even after expanding my options to games. A lot of game objects are just too specific to their fantasy universe and not helpful in real life. What’s the shortest amount of time you’ve worked somewhere? Not even two hours lmaoooo. Have you ever negotiated a pay raise? No. Have you ever been a victim of identity theft? No. Do you know anyone who’s had their kids taken by Child Protective Services? No. What is your favorite smell/scent? Cinnamon rolls. How long can you run without stopping? I honestly don't think I *could* run without my knees immediately being like "um excuse the fuck out of you" and crumpling. What age do you want to live to? I know this varies from person to person, so I can't say an exact age, but I do. NOT. Want to live to where I'm a liability/require other people to take care of me, like give me a bath and stuff. No. Fuck-ing. Thank you. If you had a time machine, when would you go to? I'd honestly want a glimpse into my future, just to see how I'll be. At the same time though, I feel like knowing would suck if I saw something bad instead of a good life. Like, I'd possibly be suicidal again if it's just crap. I feel like if I was legitimately offered this, I would say no. Have you ever been infatuated with someone and you didn’t even know why? No. I think. Have you ever felt an earthquake? No. Is your more photogenic side your left or right? Well, because of how my hair is positioned, my left side. My hair is parted very far to the left, so the right side of my face is sorta cut diagonally by hair. Do you currently owe money to anyone? No. If you were ever to be on the news, what would you want it to be for? Something heroic, I guess. What’s the fastest you’ve ever driven? Accidentally, probably up to like 80 on the highway. Have you ever donated blood? Have you ever done a blood test? I have to both. Have you been inside of a burning building? What happened? Z O I N K S no. Do you believe in astrology/horoscopes? Nope. Have you ever dined alone at a restaurant? No. Have you been in a car accident? What happened? Yes. Some idiot was carrying wood in the back of his truck, and it wasn't secured whatsoever. He hit a bumpy spot, and some of the wood dropped to the road, and he began to swerve out of control. Nailed the side and bumper of my mom's car. Mom drove into a ditch, but in some manner to avoid us flipping over, which judging from the impact point, cops theorized was "supposed" to happen. Nowadays I am terrified to ride or drive behind trucks carrying anything in the back. Have you ever lived alone? No. Have you ever been stung by a bee? Once, on my leg. Have you ever bought stuff at a thrift store? Yeah, I love thrift shops. What was your very first email address? The one I still use now, so I won't share it. It fits me well, but I still hate sharing it, haha. It's just not very "adult-ish." How often do you take naps? Just about every day. Have you ever won a game of pool? Idr. Have you ever seen a tornado in real life? NOOOOOOOOOOO. Have you been in a long-distance relationship? Yes. Have you swam in the ocean? Yeah, I love it. Have you gone ziplining? No, but it'd be cool! Have you been rock climbing? No, just those mock walls at school field days and stuff. Have you hitchhiked? No. Have you had stitches? Where? My chin and then at the very base of my spine. Have you ridden in a taxi? What about an Uber/Lyft? None of those. Have you ridden on a horse? Not legit, but at childhood festivals where there are some horses that walk in a circle... the poor things. I would LOVE to ride a non-restrained, tame horse. Ugh, I wish I could have a horse in general. Their ability to bond with humans is magical. I'll never actually have one, though. I could nooot do all the care they require, and I don't plan on living somewhere where having a horse is appropriate. Have you taken part in a protest? What for? No, just boycotting. Have you ever signed a petition? Yes. I can't remember all of them. Have you ever been fired from a job? Why? No. Have you ever given someone else a haircut? No. What is the longest your hair has been? Just past the small of my back. Have you ever been stranded because your car broke down? No. Thank god for phones, lol. Have you performed on stage? What did you do? Yes, for school band concerts as well as dance recitals. Have you ever used a tanning bed? What about tanning spray? No. How do you prefer to celebrate your birthday? Just quiet and chill with my family, but still give me alone time, please. Who is the best cook that you know? /shrug Do you believe in Bigfoot? What about the Loch Ness Monster? The Loch Ness Monster I don't, but I find surviving sasquatches very possible. There's just too many reported sightings to be totally ignored. I'm not 100% on them still being around, though. I feel like we would've caught one by now. Do your friends tend to be male or female? Female. If you could change anything about human nature, what would it be? Our proclivity to violence when angered. Have you ever fainted? Yes. What skills would you like to learn? Cooking, how to handle money in various contexts, social skills... There's a lot of things. What animal do you have the most possessions *of*, or featuring? Meerkats, for sure. If you smoke marijuana, what is your preferred or typical method? I don’t. Do you remain friends with anyone you met at your first job? No. Are there any flowers planted outside your house? No. Do you have a favourite outfit that you like to wear for nights out? I don't have "nights out." When you have a soft drink, do you prefer it in a bottle or can? I like cans because the metal helps it stay cold. Who was the last person to embarrass you? What did they do? I don't know. When you’re upset, do you tend to comfort eat or lose your appetite? I am a BAD comfort eater. Who was the last person to send you a message on Facebook? Does/did that person go to the same school as you? My online friend Sammy. No. Has a stranger ever offered to buy you a drink? No. When was the last time you used a public toilet? Ummm I think for my birthday lunch at The Cheesecake Factory. Who did you have your first kiss with? Do you remember what colour his/her eyes were? Jason has brown eyes. Are there any themes from TV shows that you like to sing along to? That '70s Show and especially Supernatural.

[noahmanskar]

The Best Albums of 2020 (and from the Before Times)

I read a lot of year-end music roundups, and several this year have come with a resonant caveat: It’s been harder to discover new music this year, both because of physical limitations (no shows, no record-store browsing, no chats with friends about your latest finds), and because the way we used music fundamentally changed. It certainly did for me. Rather than serving as the backdrop for a commute or a night out, it created moments of solace from cabin fever while doing dishes, or showering, or running semi-weekly errands. So I often turned to what was comfortable and familiar, songs that conjured memories and feelings to get me through the day. Even on the rare occasions of social listening, the groups I was with drifted into nostalgia — middle school dance tracks, mid-2000s emo, inherited dad rock, even songs from just a year or two ago, when everything was simpler, relatively speaking.

That’s not to say nothing new moved me. There was a handful of albums and songs that were crucial to getting through the doldrums. They soundtracked bike rides, long walks, longer drives and lots of small moments mentioned above. But I don’t think I can think about my favorite music of this year without thinking about the albums of the past that got me through it. Besides, one of the many lessons 2020 taught is that time is a bizarre illusion anyway. (This exercise also lets me write about some recent albums that I didn’t get to write about when they were actually released.

So here are the albums, past and present, that made 2020 bearable. I hope you found yours, too.

Tame Impala, “The Slow Rush”

Tame Impala’s fourth LP came out on Valentine’s Day. That afternoon, Claire and I had a lunch date to mark the occasion before we got on a plane to visit my parents. The night before, we had gone out to dinner with friends visiting from San Francisco and then to a bar, where we huddled next to strangers on a water bed. Roughly a month later, all of this would be unimaginable, and Kevin Parker’s lyrics to “One More Year” would be eerily prescient as we settled into this new normal:

But now I worry our horizon's been nothing new 'Cause I get this feeling and maybe you get it too We're on a rollercoaster stuck on its loop-de-loop 'Cause what we did one day on a whim Has slowly become all we do

The song is really about surrendering to time, and not worrying about it passing in spite of your ambivalence. The opening chants of Parker’s “Gregorian Robot Choir” make it easy to surrender. They carry you into a world where, as the cover art suggests, all that time you were worrying about has already passed, so you might as well dance. At the same time, the songs that follow, like “Borderline,” “Breathe Deeper” and “Lost In Yesterday” make it easy to remember what it was like to dance in a sweaty room with people you love, and to look forward to doing it again, after a little more time passes.

Fleet Foxes, “Shore”

There’s something comforting about the fact that Fleet Foxes released this record on the exact moment of the autumnal equinox. It’s a reminder that nature has its own rhythms that carry on regardless of what occurs in our human lives. They give us a measure of certainty in uncertain times. One of these rhythms — death — looms large in “Sunblind,” an ode to Robin Pecknold’s departed musical forebears: David Berman, Bill Withers, John Prine and others. This song exuding calm acceptance shifts into “Can I Believe You,” which wrestles frankly with doubt and fear.

These tracks contain profound contradictions, but sonically, they're both bright, hopeful and sure. That’s what made this album such a balm in the sixth month of this pandemic, a time of both growing darkness and hope for what might be on the other side. It reminds us that there’s power and beauty in feeling all these things at once.

Lil Uzi Vert, “Eternal Atake”

This one spent two years in label purgatory, but it finally arrived in March to prove Lil Uzi Vert can do it all. He’s at his most versatile here, spitting and crooning, boasting and balladeering. “You Better Move” is an early standout packed with playful nostalgia, including a beat that samples that classic PC pinball game and delightful jabs like these:

Yeah, step on competition, changin' my shoes Green shirt, bitch, I'm Steve, where is Blue? Every chain on, I pity a fool I'm an iPod, man, you more like a Zune Made her eat on my dick with a spoon, ew Versace drawers, bitch, you Fruit of the Loom

Then there are the melodic tracks like “Urgency,” which compel you to hum along even on the first listen. The excellent diversity made it worth the wait for this hourlong journey to another planet.

Sturgill Simpson, “Cuttin’ Grass Vol. 1: The Butcher Shoppe Sessions”

I haven’t spent much time with Sturgill Simpson outside of 2014′s “Metamodern Sounds in Country Music,” and I can’t say I’ve ever listened to another bluegrass album all the way through. But these new cuts of songs picked from Simpson’s catalog are wonderfully enticing. Simpson puts the talents of his backing band front and center, and their harmonies and rhythms illuminate his vivd songwriting in new ways. It was a great introduction to the genre for me.

Fiona Apple, “Fetch The Bolt Cutters”

I got here after the hype, after the perfect 10, after all the year-end number-ones. Fiona Apple lives up to all of it. Her compositions are complex and evocative, the lyrics tender and biting at once. Her artistry is unsparing. The chorus to the title track is already getting stuck in my head, and I can’t wait to spend more time with this one.

Bea Troxel, “The Way That It Feels” (2017)

Almost a decade has passed since I first saw Bea Troxel play. She was in an incredibly talented trio with two of my high school classmates: Maeve Thorne (who has an entrancing solo EP of her own), and Rita Pfeiffer (the violinist on this record). They ended up winning my school’s battle of the bands, and I got to interview them for the student newspaper. Shortly after our senior year, they recorded an album that still outshines most of today’s indie folk. So I jumped at the chance to all three of them again in Brooklyn. 

Troxel’s performance in particular was a revelation. I won’t ever forget how I fell into a trance as she picked away at “Talc,” which exemplifies her gift for natural metaphor. I haven’t stopped playing her record since, and it’s been a constant comfort throughout this year. Her voice is one of a kind, her songwriting is rich, and the compositions flow together beautifully. I can’t wait for more; in the meantime, “The Way That It Feels” will be on repeat.

Travis Scott, “Birds In The Trap Sing McKnight” (2016)

There’s been much ado about the brilliance of “Astroworld,” Travis Scott’s magnum opus, but I have a soft spot for his sophomore LP, where he reached the peak of the spare and heavy sound that started to take shape on “Owl Pharaoh.” There are plenty of sonic layers here, and the ordering of the tracks is a craft in itself — a series of peaks and valleys that glides from the haze of “beibs in the trap” to the climax of “goosebumps” and then into the cool waters of “pick up the phone.” It feels like Scott is guiding you to and from these destinations. The journey is, as The Weeknd might put it, “wonderful.”

Harmonium, “Harmonium” (1974)

One of my pandemic binges was “Letterkenny,” the sharp Ontario-set sitcom with top-notch banter and a great soundtrack full of indie hits and Canadian deep cuts. The fight scenes are elegantly choreographed, but so are the handful of sequences at the end of key episodes that reveal the show’s emotional bedrock. One such scene is set to Harmonium’s “Un musicien parmi tant d'autres” — the main characters are reveling in a bar with their Québécois pals, whom they’ve just helped beat up a rival group. As the song builds to its climactic chorus, leading man Wayne, surrounded by couples, realizes his longing for companionship. Another fight breaks out, but instead of joining in, Wayne makes his way through the slow-motion fray toward the woman he’ll propose to in the next season. (Their relationship later falls apart, but that doesn’t undercut this scene’s beauty.)

This is probably the first foreign-language album I’ve listened to in full, but all of it evokes that feeling for me — the joy of walking through the chaos to reach what’s really important. Not a bad sentiment for these times.

Bon Iver, “22, A Million”

To talk about this weird, dark and brilliant album, I need to talk about “715 - CR∑∑KS.” Everyone I’ve talked to about the third track on “22, A Million” either loves it or can’t stand it. I’m devoted to it to the extent that it was my most-played song on Spotify this year. It oscillates between tenderness and fear, between silence and explosions of sound. The lyrics are an epitome of Justin Vernon’s cryptic poetry. It’s isolated and spare and enthralling and beautiful in its own bizarre way — just like the rest of the album, which is rich with themes of persevering through the darkness in spite of the uncertainty about when the light will appear. Vernon is alone on “CR∑∑KS,” but he’s accompanied by a cacophony of his own voice. As alone as we might feel right now, there’s always someone else shouting through the darkness with us, even if we can’t see them.

[xxbluecullenwritingxx]

Binding of Beau || Chapter One

|| Index ||

Beau stepped outside carrying a suitcase full of her clothing and a backpack full of other things to bring along to her father's house. She rechecked her backpack to make sure she had everything. Notebook, phone charger, laptop, the books I haven’t read yet. After checking a few more times she knew she had everything she wanted to bring. She put her suitcase and backpack in the backside of her step-dad, Phil’s, car. Beau knew her mom was likely in the house checking and rechecking that she had everything. Shutting the trunk of the car sighing and putting her thumbs in her pocket.

“Beau!” A voice that she knew all too well called, a voice she would miss.

Beau turned around turned around and suddenly there were arms around her, almost crushing her spine. There was James, as emotional as he’d been when she first met him the first year of highschool. Trying to take my hands out of my pocket to hug back proved difficult with him pinning her arms down. Damn it, if he keeps this up I’m going to cry. Beau took her hands out of her pockets and awkwardly try and hug back, which proved hard since James as successfully succeeded in pinning her arms to her sides.

“Hey,” she said quietly, scared her voice would crack if she spoke up even a little.

James pulled back and smiled sadly at her, in his hands he held a small cactus. Before she could ask why he was holding a potted cactus pushed it toward her, expecting her to take it — she did.

“So you won’t forget about us back home yeah?” James said.

Beau smiled softly. James had been the only real friend she had here in Arizona, thought she had met a few people through James that she managed to get along with... but now that was all changing. She bit her tongue in an attempt to not tear up knowing that she was saying goodbye to her best friend... her only friend really.

“Hey... don’t look like that, I’ll come to visit during the summer. And hey, you can always come to stay with us if Charlie drives you up the wall too much.”

“Thanks, James” Beau said when she was confident that her voice wouldn’t crack, or waver.

“James, coming with us to the airport?” Beau’s mother asked from behind her, as she walked out of the house Phil by her.

“I thought about it, but I might cry if I do that so...” he trailed off before looking at his best friend.

Now it was Beau’s was turn to pull him into one last hug. James was the only one she could truly be herself around, and she wasn’t going to see him for a long time. It felt like it would be forever until the next time they saw one another... though she had his number as a speed dial contact on her phone, and she knew they would text constantly. Still, the thought of leaving him in Arizona and going to Forks, Washington to live with her father was making her miserable. James gently patted Beau’s head.

“I’m going to miss you B” James whispered, knowing better than to call her ‘Beau’ in front of her family.

The girl cursed under her breath as she started tearing up. “I’m gonna miss you too” she admitted.

“You two are being very sweet, but we’re going to miss your flight Bella and ours, so let's get a move on,” Phil’s voice broke through the moment, making Beau flinch slightly.

James gave her a sympathetic look and kissed the top of her head before pulling away. Beau watch him start to walk back to his house. He turned back to look at Beau waved his hand.

“Call me when you get settled in!” he called.

Beau gave him a thumbs up before getting in the car. The ride to the airport felt too short for Beau’s liking and it made her stomach feel like it was doing flips. Her mom and Phil were in the front holding hands. It reminded her of why she was moving in with her father Charlie in the first place... for her mom. Phil was a minor league baseball player, so he traveled a lot for work, and because of Beau her mother always had to stay back whenever he left for a game, after talking it over with Beau one afternoon she decided she would rather her mother be happy spending some time with Phil, even if it meant she’d be miserable in Forks for the rest of high school.

Beau got out of the car and grabbed her suitcase and backpack, while her mother got out to walk her inside, with Phil walking a little behind them to give the two of them some privacy.

“Bella are you sure-”

“Yes mom...” she said softly “don’t worry about me, I’m excited to spend some good quality time with Ch- dad” Beau smiled, still holding the small cactus in her hand, wondering if they would let her take it on the plane with her, maybe she should shove it in her backpack and let it sit there until she landed in Forks.

He mother smiled at her and pulled her into a hug. “I’m going to miss you Bella,” her mother said softly. Beau inwardly cringed but hugged her mother back tightly.

“I’ll miss you too mom, I’ll call you as soon as I can after landing,” Beau said looking into her mother's eyes. She was worried about leaving the harebrained women alone a lot of the time.

“Okay,” her mother said.

After a few more minutes of goodbyes, Beau got on the plane, grabbing her iPod out of her backpack once electronics were allowed on and closed her eyes to let the music in her earbuds drift her to another reality. A reality where this wasn’t happening, where everything felt like it wasn’t falling apart... where she didn’t feel so confused.

Beau didn’t know when she had fallen asleep but the stewardess woke her up as the plane was landing. She was groggy as she got off the plane, finally able to take her little plant friend out of her backpack and let it get some real air. Her eyes landed on Charlie almost immediately and she walked to him, in his police uniform.

“Hey, Bell’s,” Charlie said softly, instead of hug he reached and took her suitcase, despite the fact she would rather carry it herself.

“Hey dad,” she said, internally begging for the awkwardness to die down.

“How was the flight?” he said as he started walking her out and lead her -- to her horror -- the police car.

“It was... okay,” she said after a pause, nodding a bit.

They got in and left the airport, Beau leaned back in her seat, the radio playing some old rock station on low, with bands probably from her dad’s teenage years. She couldn’t help but tap her foot along to some of the songs. Beau expected the ride there to be painfully silent, and she almost preferred the, but her father spoke up.

“so I know you wanted to get a car of some sort,”

“Um... yeah, having my own ride would be nice,” she said.

“Well uh... I found this truck for pretty cheap, it had just been fixed up and runs like a dream” Charlie said.

Beau felt herself sigh, the ‘cheap’ part worried her, she just expected to have to walk to school or suffer the embarrassment of having the ride the police chiefs car for a while before getting her own car.

“How cheap are we talking?” she asked.

“Well… actually I already got it off of Billy Black for free... do you remember him?” he asked.

Beau silently shook her head and sighed. Perfect. Beau hated that she might be driving a clunker that would draw unwanted attention to her way. But she tried to stay a little positive, at least no rides from the chief to school! Beau felt a small sigh leave her lips and she looked out the window, as both of them let that silence creep over the car again and this time it stayed that way.

Charlie finally pulled up to his house, the first thing Beau’s eyes landed on was the house, it looked like it had never changed, a small tire swing hung from one of the trees from, a small attempt her father made to give the house more appeal to come back to for Beau. Then her eyes went to the big red Chevy truck parked in her father's driveway, to Beau surprise, she loved it.

“Oh my god, Dad... that's mine?” she asked looking at Charlie.

Beau’s father seems pleased with his daughter reaction and smiled giving a sharp nod “yes mam’ all yours” he said. Beau ignored the dreadful feeling she got from those words, she didn’t know why she felt so... detached from them but she had gotten used to that feeling that it was almost normal for her heart to sink and stomach to lurch a little each time someone said something like that.

“Well get out go have a look at it!” her dad encouraged.

Beau nodded and quickly got out of Charlie's car slinging her backpack over her shoulder and quickly walked over to the truck. Charlie was left with the task of grabbing her suitcase out of the car before joining Beau by the truck. Beau’s eyes lit up looking at the truck. Big, sturdy, definitely old, but safe.

“It's perfect!” she said looking at Charlie.

“Well I’m glad you like it Bells” Charlie smiled placing his hand on her shoulder it was meant to be a loving gesture, no doubt, but it seemed to make both of them uncomfortable, he quickly retracted his hand.

Beau smiled softly and they walked inside together. Her dad lead her to her room, a dull pink, from when her father had first painted it, in the corner a rocking chair that has small bits of paint chipped off. The only thing he seems to have changed is the fact the bed was now a twin sized mattress, instead of a crib, and there was now a desk with a computer that looked like it belonged back in the 1980s hooked up to the phone line. Beau could only guess it would make that horrible dial-up sound each time she wanted to go on the internet, she would try to keep her internet usage limited to emailing and of course skype calls if the internet would even be able to handle that. May use that car money for a laptop.

Beau looked over toward her father and smiled, her father set down her suitcase before clapping his hands.

“Right... I’ll leave you to get settled then,” he said.

Beau nodded and watched as he left the room, that was the best thing about Charlie, he didn’t hover. She could cry if she wanted to, now that there was no one around to see her, so she let out a few tears as she unpacked everything from her suitcase. Dinner with Charlie went smoother than expected, and after a shower, she turned in early. Beau didn’t sleep very well, considering the rain outside felt too loud hitting against the roof, and the occasional scraping of the tree against her window. Only after throwing on her headphones and pulling the blankets over her head did she manage to actually get some rest.

The next morning she still felt tired but got dressed and tried not to spend to long looking in the mirror and obsessing over the way her clothes hugged her body. She grabbed her basically empty backpack and ran down the stairs to see her father was already gone, most days would probably be like this, but she didn’t mind that, she even found herself planning try and wake up a little earlier so she could have the house to herself and maybe even cook some breakfast. Beau walked over to the pantry and looked through her father's food her eyes finally settling on a box of blueberry pop tarts, she grabbed one of the packets and put them into the toaster glancing back and forth between the toaster and clock while waiting for them to warm up. When they popped up she grabbed the hot pop tarts out of the toaster hissing slightly as she put them on a napkin and running to her car throwing the hood of her oversized sweater over her head, she got into her truck as quickly as possible and put the pop tarts on her cup holder breaking off pieces as she drove her car to the small collection of buildings that made up the Forks High School. Multiple  small square buildings, Beau assumed that each building probably held one or two classes at most.

   Beau drove around the parking lot for awhile before eventually finding a parking spot for her truck. She parked, getting out and walking to what looked like the main building. She went in pausing a moment before walking up the front desk and were an overly cheery, plump women with tight curls in her hair sat.

“Hello dear,” the women said cheerfully, her smile almost hurt Beau’s cheeks.

“Hi... I’m Bea- Isabella Swan” Beau said forcing herself not the flinch at the name.

“Oh! Isabella, my you have grown, Charlie hasn’t stopped talking about you since he heard you were coming up to live with him!” she said excitedly “oh I’ll get you your schedule and a map, your teachers will give you your books, but I also have a slip that you need your teachers to sign” she rambled as she got to work grabbing stuff from her desk.

Beau sat there and nodded politely as the women, which by the name tag was named Mrs.Mongo, over explained everything, eventually though Beau was able to mumble a quick goodbye and make her escape. She walked to her truck burying her nose into the map trying to burn it into her memory so she wouldn’t have to look at it later while walking around the school. Beau just wanted to blend in and if she was lucky to go unnoticed the whole day, and if she was even luckier go the whole year without any unwanted attention. Once Beau was sure she knew the lay out of the school, she shoved the map, along with her schedule into the pocket of her hoodie and walked toward her first class building. English.

Almost right away as she entered the building, Beau felt eyes on her, getting a look at the ‘new girl’, it made her hair stand on end to know so many people were looking at her. Just breath. she walked up the teacher and gave her the slip.

“Ah, Isabella Swan,” the teacher said.

Beau couldn’t stop herself from flinching this time “Bella” she corrected, she would rather be called Bella if she had to choose between the two. The teacher just nodded and signed the sheet, before handing her a book from the desk they were by.

“You can sit wherever if free, we don’t have any seating arrangements in this classroom” the women smiled.

Beau nodded and walked to a desk at the back of the room and sat down, hugging herself slightly as she got comfortable and tried to blend in with the seat.

“Like vultures aren’t they?” a girls voice caught her attention and Beau looked to see a black hair girl with glasses and a slightly shy smile had been the one to speak to her first.

“Sorry?” Beau said.

“Everyone staring... like vultures looking at prey,” she said her confidence seeming to waver now.

Beau glanced around at the people making quick glances at her, while others full on staring at her and not bothering to hid it “Yeah... like vultures” she agreed to make the girl smile.

“I’m Angela, your Isabella right?” she asked.

“Just Bella” Beau corrected.

“Okay well, Just Bella, what's your next class?” she asked.

Beau grabbed the crumpled up piece of paper from her hoodie pocket and uncrumpled it staring at the schedule “um... history?” she said after a small bit.

“cool I can walk you there, that right next to the biology building,” Angela said before going quiet as the teacher started the lesson.

Angela did walk her to her class, chatting idly as they walked. Angela was a friendly shy type, apologizing every now and then for saying something, hugging her books to her chest as they walked, going on about the school paper she worked for. Beau didn’t mind, it was endearing in a way. During history, she met another boy named Eric, who knew Angela and also worked for the paper, and Beau ended up having another person walk her to her next class. Pretty much up until lunch she had people willing to walk with her to classes, so she never had to look at the map again. It was a lot of correcting people about her name ‘its Bella’ she would say, sounding dead, probably looking unemotional as she could, blocking out her feelings about it. It made her miss James and her friends back home even more, they knew her name was Beau, and they didn’t question why she wanted to be called it. She didn’t even know why she preferred it, but she did.

As a child she had innocently asked her mother what her name would have been if she was born a boy, he mother had said ‘Beaufort’ even as a kid she thought that was a little much, she would tell people that was her name, including James when she first met him, it ended up getting shortened to just ‘Beau’ later on. However, her mother found out and scolded her for lying to people. Since then, Beau would only tell people she trusted her name. One of those people was James, and most of James’ friends.

Beau went to lunch being walked by another boy she had met during math named Mike Newton, he was an overly friendly, overly cheery type of guy, he insisted on walking her to other classes and lunch. He was sweet though, and Beau didn’t have the heart to tell him to ease off a little or leave her alone. She took out her phone and took a tray to grab her food. She saw a message from James and smiled.

‘Hey Beau, hope Forks rain didn’t melt you ~ any cute boys? Oh! by the way, I’m going to email you a link to an article I think you need to read. I really want you to be comfortable in that new school, and it might help you’

‘I’m not completely a witch, so I didn’t melt... yet. No cute boys yet but I promise to sneak pictures for you if  I do see any. Though I think one of the guys that have been showing me around you would totally fall for, he’s the dork type, I think he plays some sort of sport here because he has a letterman jacket... you’re still into those types, right? I’ll check my email later and read the article. Better not be anything weird or I’ll take a flight out just to punch you. I’ll call you after I call mom tonight ~ miss you so fucking much xoxo’

Beau sighed as she sent it and put her phone back in her pocket before getting dragged away by Mike over to a table where Eric, Angela, Mike and another girl she had briefly met named Jessica sat. Beau couldn’t help but think about James trying to flirt with Mike and getting shot down, or maybe not... It's had only been a say since she left and she was already thinking about how much she just wanted to be at lunch with James poking fun at some of the people in her school. She sighed and grabbed a carrot stick as the people around her talking, and tried to ask her questions. Beau did her best to answer and not seem rude, they were all being so nice and she hated to just throw their kindness away. Her eyes flickered around the cafeteria taking in the type of people sitting together, they eventually landed on a group of pale, slightly older looking people, some of them looked like they would be more college-age then high school age.

   “Hey... who are they?” she asked, making the group she was sitting with follow her gaze.

   “those are the Cullens” Mike scowled a bit... Beau's eyes met Mikes for a moment before looking back to the Cullens.

   “They all live together and their all dating, it’s like... totally weird but... the black hair pixie looking one is Alice” Jessica started explaining “and the one that looks like he’s in pain is Jasper, their an item the really buff, tall one is Emmett, and the blond one is Rosalie, they’re together” she said quietly.

Beau looked at all of them as she pointed them out, she tried not to make it obvious but that was kind of hard when they all looked breathtakingly beautiful, she had to stop herself from staring to long.

   “Oh and that one coming in,” Jessica said her tone turning slightly sour “Is Edward Cullen, totally gorgeous, but don’t get your hopes up of asking him out... apparently, he’s too good for anyone in this school” she said.

Beau could guess that Jessica probably asked him out and got shot down, her eyes went to the male and she sucked in a breath. He had auburn hair, a chiseled jaw, everything about him -- like his sibling -- seemed absolutely perfect. She could have sworn she saw Edward laughing at the comment Jessica made, but she wasn’t sure. Beau quickly looked away and back to her ‘friends’.

“They all live with Dr.Cullen and his wife,” Angela said with a small smile.

“Dr.Cullen, by the way, is totally dreamy too, I wouldn’t mind if he adopted me,” Jessica said.

Angela giggled and Beau saw Mike roll his eyes out of the corner of her eye, she gave him a small smile, it was obvious Mike didn’t like the Cullen’s, though Beau couldn’t care enough to ask why. The conversation went back to asking Beau questions and giving half-assed answers in a return. Today was going to be long.

[remainloved]

Slipped Out - Ethan Dolan

Hello..I was eating dinner with my family when suddenly I had this idea that came in to my mind. I thought I should start writing this before I forgot about it..So hopefully you guys like it :))

Summary: Y/n never stops fangirl-ing wherever she is. Yet, maybe one time when she was fangirl-ing it might be the most embarassing yet memorable day for her.

Warning: none?

Posted: 3/2/2018

word count: 1.1k

ps: I’ll edit it soon and the tweet is not real. I made it myself :) 

I’m reposting this here because I’m about to get on a plane and I’m scared guys :(( 

dedicating this to @trapicaldolan just because i wanna say THANK YOU!! xx

I have a love-hate relationship with traveling. I mean it’s a great thing to see amazing places with incredible views, to try new cuisines and to meet new people. What I hate is that I have to bear the thought of sitting in a cramped airplane thousands feet above the ground.

It creeps me up how we can be so high above the ground by this simple machine. I just feel anxious and frustrated riding airplanes. Before going on a vacation, I would usually go on Youtube just for me to watch airplane hacks or ways to calm myself. Call me pathetic but I do that.

I realized those hacks are just things you do to distract yourself. It might be as simple as reading your favorite books, watching a good book or listening to music. I spent my last time before going on board, preparing the things I would do on plane. I simply prepared my iPod that is filled with my favorite videos that will keep me distracted throughout the plane ride, hopefully it’s distracting enough.

–

I passed the hard part. Honestly speaking I couldn’t remember what was going on. I walked in the plane with my face pale as white, my cold fingers fidgeting and my legs can’t stay still. As soon as I arrived my assigned seat, I sat down and started distracting myself. I put on my earphones and started watching one of my favorite videos, ‘ETHAN GETS HIS WISDOM TEETH REMOVED’.

I was so into the video and laughed so hard watching it and that I couldn’t remember the plane took off already. Gosh, I’m really grateful of the twins for helping me going through this kind of situation. It might not be much to the others but it meant a lot to me. My friend who accompanied me would nudged me every now and then every time I was laughing too hard.

“C’mon dude, you should try watching this!” I told my friend who’s trying to eat some of the airplane food. I was about to show her the video when my iPod battery died down. The screen turned black and I looked at her with panic filling my eyes.

I felt my heart beating faster by the second that passed by. I can’t. I can’t breathe. “Hey, hey, hey y/n. Look at me. Talk to me, okay?” My friend said worriedly.

“Tell me which one is your favorite? Oh! Sorry! Which lane are you in?” My friend tried lightening up the tension. She’s using the words I would often use.

I looked at her and thought of the twins, “E-tee-wee-tee”. She looked at me confusedly and I smiled, “Ethan.” My mind was more at ease. As I thought of Ethan’s ‘extra’ side.

“Hmm, the one’s not wearing the tampon like earring, right?” She asked and I nodded.

“You know, I remembered you telling me that you would stop liking them? What made you come back?” She asked suspiciously.

That was true, I told her that I should try stop liking them as it was getting unhealthy. However, I couldn’t thought of anything that could distract me enough to help me survive this long plane ride. Honestly, that’s a lie. I just miss watching their hilarious videos every Tuesday.

“I know. I just kinda miss watching their videos every Tuesday. Yeah, should have tried harder to stop liking them. I just can’t help it. They’re a part of my life, I can’t.” I told her with a serious tone that made her rolled her eyes and shook her head.

“Why Ethan, though?” She leaned forward, her face coming closer to mine as she placed one of her hand under her chin.

“I don’t know. He’s like so cool. He’s so kind and sweet. Although, I’ve never met him. Plus, his good looks. I mean please, he has great hair especially his wings and the blue streak. Gosh, I died when he did that. His smile is beautiful, although he said that he’s insecure about it. He should not feel that way though. I just I can’t wrap it up in words. He’s just an angel.” I replied softly.

She smiled and shook her head, “Does Ethan have a girlfriend?” She asked me.

“I don’t think so. Gosh! If he has one, I hope that she treats him right. He deserves the best. I-” I shook my head as my heart shattered knowing I stand no chance being with him.

“I think your information was wrong.” A deep familiar voice coming from the back butted in. I turned around and I locked eyes with the distinguishable brown yet green eyes. The color of eyes that I would recognize anywhere.

“I-I d-don’t know.” I replied back slumping down faster down my chair. I heard him chuckled. OMG. My heart is pounding too fast. I can’t. OMG. He might have heard my conversation. OMG. He heard me laughing my ass off watching his videos. OMG. This is so embarrassing. I can’t.

My friend looked at me weirdly, “Is that Ethan at the back?” I mouthed her, silently for her to turn around and check. She turned around and nodded with her loud voice saying, “Yeah, the guy you’ve been watching on your iPod for hours is at the back.”

I face palmed myself and shut my eyes because it was too embarrassing. Why do I have this kind of best friend? She chuckled at me. I uncovered my eyes, planning on giving her the deadliest glare I could ever done. Instead, I met his gorgeous eyes again.

“Hey beautiful.” Ethan greeted.

“Please, tell me you didn’t hear any of my conversation with my friend nor heard me laughing that loud.” I bit my lip and hoping that he had his earphones on or anything.

“I’m thinking of bringing back the blue streak, what do you think?” He smiled at me teasingly. He heard the conversation. I took a deep breath and sighed, “Gosh, I-I don’t mean it that way. I just…I just m-” I was cut off by Ethan’s light chuckle.

He looked at me and smiled, “Aww, you’re so cute.” I closed my eyes out of embarrassment and lightly laughed. I don’t know what to do. He just called me cute.

“Ladies and gentlemen please fasten your seat belt as we are about to land in Los Angeles.” The firm yet smooth voice boomed through the speaker.

“I’ll get back to you as soon as we landed.” Ethan patted your head and went back to his seat behind you. As you took a deep breath you felt a warm breath beside your arm. “Don’t worry, I think your smile is really beautiful too, baby girl.” Ethan whispered.

[anoutlandishfanfic]

Part Two, Chapter Seven; In the Days Between - Part Three

This chapter explores Julia’s life in the future. Julia (aka Faith) has been separated from Claire in their journey thru the stones and arrives in 2007. A nurse at the hospital she is rushed to quickly takes responsibility for her, accepting her as her own child. Part Three finds us about seven after Julia arrives in the future.

You can find links to previous chapters here.

July 1st, 2014; Between the Campbell-Murray residence and Logan International Airport, Boston Massachusetts Julia, almost nine years old.

“Can I sit by the window?” I begged, bouncing in my seat. Max groaned beside me and I elbowed him. He poked me in the side, but I knew he didn’t really care who sat where.

Mom looked at me in the rear-view mirror and smiled, “It doesn't matter to me, you and Max figure it out.”

We were finally leaving for Scotland!

Granny had left a couple weeks ago and we’d meet her there. The last time we went back to Scotland was right after mom and Luke got married, which was two whole years ago. I missed my cousins and aunts and uncles who lived there and could hardly wait to see them all.

My little sister had never been there before, this was her first trip. I wasn’t really sure how she’d do on the long plane ride. It seemed like all she did was eat, sleep, and cry. Oh, and poop. So many dirty diapers. I hoped mom packed enough.

I slipped an earbud in and turned up my iPod. Max looked at the screen, rolling his eyes. “How many times are you going to listen to that?”

“A bajillion!” I declared, sticking out my tongue at him for good measure.

He tipped his head back and began to sing along at the top of his lungs, “Let it goooooooo, let it go! Can’t hold it back any moooooooore!”

“Moooom!” I complained as I shoved Max, making him bump into Fiona’s car seat which made her cry.

“Hey!” Luke called out from the driver seat. “Dull roar back there, you’re making the natives restless.”

This made mom laugh, he could always make mom laugh.

Something caught the corner of my eye and I turned to look out my window. The last thing I saw before the world went dark was a large, blue pickup truck headed straight for us.

…

Everything hurt. It hurt to move, it hurt to breathe, it hurt to think. So I didn’t. I hovered in empty space, just below consciousness and just above death until a familiar voice broke into my silence.

“Julia? Sweetie, can you hear me?”

It was Luke.

I tried to open my eyes, but they wouldn’t cooperate. I tried to reach for him, but something was holding my arms in place. I fought the feeling of weightlessness and struggled to the surface of reality. Moans of metal, feet scuffling, and a high pitched ring flooded my ears.

“Oh, God,” his voice cracked and I felt his hand brush against my cheek, “It’s ok. You’re ok. Try not to move, sweetie. Just lay still, alright?”

A deafening crunching sound echoed around me as whatever was holding me down shifted. It was easier to breathe now, yet it felt like ten thousand knives where jabbing me in the side every time I did. I tried to turn my face into Luke’s hand, to open my eyes and see him, but I couldn’t.

Why couldn’t I move? What was going on?

Tears burned at the back of my eyes and I heard a strange sound leave my mouth.

Had I made that noise?

I started to float again, even though I fought desperately to stay where I was. The pain was too much. Everything was too loud, the pull too strong.

“Julia!” the sound of Luke’s voice was distant, far out of reach. “Damn it, darling, stay with me!”

…

September, 2015; Boston, Massachusetts. Julia, ten years old.

I sat cross legged on the ground in front of mom’s grave and fiddled with the laces of my shoes as I spoke to her, “I have a competition today.”

I'd begged Auntie Tif to stop here before she dropped me off at the dance studio. I had five minutes or we'd be late.

“My Sword Dance is getting really good. Granny said my Highland Fling at the meet last month was the best I'd ever done. I didn't think so, but maybe you couldn't see my mistakes from the audience… or she was just being Granny.”

Mom had gotten me started in Highland Dancing when we moved to Boston, sort of a way to keep Scotland with us in America. I liked it a lot and was now in the highest skill level for my age group. Granny hadn't missed a single competition. She was my biggest fan.

“Oh, and we ordered a new aboyne for next season. The one I've got is getting really small. Granny found one that's similar to the Murray clan tartan. Could you see Luke’s smile when we showed it to him? He's really excited.”

A cloud of uneasiness swirled around me as I thought of my stepfather. I didn't call him dad, but he was the only father I had ever known. We got along really well and I loved him to pieces.

“Something's going on with Luke’s new job with the Navy and no one will tell me what it is. Max says he doesn't know, but he does. Luke's been going to D.C. a lot for it and is there more than he is here. I miss him.”

I heard the door of the minivan open and close and I knew my time was up.

“Tha gaol agam ort, Mommy,” I whispered.

…

October 30th, 2017; Boston, Massachusetts Julia, aged twelve.

“You're still taking me trick or treating tomorrow, right?” I asked Max as I ran to keep up with his long strides.

He looked down at me in annoyance, “Why don't you go with Granny and Fiona?”

“Because they're soooo slow,” I complained. “Besides, who wants to be seen trick or treating with their grandmother and baby sister?”

“You think I want to be seen with you?” He teased.

I glared at him, “Of course you do, I've got the best costume in the neighborhood.”

My Wonder Woman costume was a work of art.

“I suppose I should be grateful you're not making me go as Steve Trevor,” he rolled his eyes.

“That would be gross, you're my brother.” I pulled a face. “You're more of a Steve Rogers than Steve Trevor, anyway.”

He laughed as we turned the corner. Beacon Hill Academy was in sight now and we picked up our pace.

Suddenly, a strong hand clamped around my mouth and pulled me off the sidewalk. I heard Max shout for help as I tried to get out of my attacker’s grasp. Biting him hard, I kicked backwards and lunged forwards at the same time.

It worked. I broke free momentarily before another set of arms picked me up off the ground and tossed me thru the open sliding door of a van. I screamed for all I was worth now that my mouth was uncovered.

“Julia!” Max shouted. The first man punched him hard in the stomach before climbing into the van and slamming the door shut.

…

The man who had grabbed me, I’d dubbed him Jasper, pulled the duct tape off my mouth and warned, “You start all that again and this goes right back on, you hear me?”

I had tried to escape out of the paneled van in every I could think of, earning me a special seat belt of tightly knotted rope. When getting out of this proved to be fruitless, I took a page out of little sister’s play book and started talking nonstop at the top of my lungs. Everything that passed thru my head went out my mouth… and I mean everything.

I insulted them, I mimicked them, I narrated their every move like a sports announcer. When that got boring, I asked questions about anything I could think of. Horace, the other guy, would answer sometimes until the lady driving the van yelled at him to shut up.

The duct tape came out when I started calling her Cruella.

Tears sprang to my eyes involuntarily as a layer of my skin got ripped off with the tape. Blinking fast, I answered, “That depends.”

Jasper looked at me warily, “On what?”

“On if you’re planning to feed me anytime soon,” my stomach growled, adding it’s two cents.

It was well after dinner time and we’d been driving south all day. They’d let me out at a disgusting gas station in New Jersey to use the bathroom when I threatened to go right where I was. I now knew this was a really good bargaining tool with them.

There was food in my backpack, but as my phone was also in there, and they hadn’t discovered I had one yet, I was not willing to unzip it in their presence. Cruella had accompanied me to the bathroom, of course, so I couldn’t send out a distress text. I had felt it vibrate several times in the last eight hours and desperately hoped they could track me even if I didn’t answer it.

Jasper moved to the back of the van from the front passenger seat, commenting menacingly, “You have to answer a few questions first.”

A fist closed around my stomach and I wasn’t sure I was hungry anymore, but I nodded.

“Where is your mother?” He began.

I stared at him blankly, then looked to Horace. My mother?

“Mount Hope Cemetery,” I answered simply, wondering why on earth they would need to kidnap me to figure that out. “Or heaven, depending on how you look at it.”

Horace visibly started in surprise and Jasper’s mouth hung open. “She’s dead?” they asked in unison.

I thought that only happened in movies.

“She’s talking about Campbell, you idiots. Ask her about Fraser,” Cruella screeched from the driver’s seat.

Understanding dawned on Jasper and he nodded, “Yeah, not her. Where’s your other mother?”

“My what?” This was getting ridiculous.

The van swerved as Cruella glared at me thru the rearview mirror. “Claire Fraser. Your birth mother. Where is she?”

My birth parents had abandoned me when I was two and had never contacted me since. The authorities had tried to locate them, but couldn’t figure out who they were, let alone where they were… and that was ten years ago.

“How would I know?” I replied incredulously.

Horace leaned forward and pinched me hard in the thigh, insisting, “Tell us!”

“I have no idea where she is.” I kicked him hard in the shins, “I didn’t even know her name until you just said it!”

“I don’t think she knows, boss.” Jasper muttered over his shoulder.

I could see Cruella shrug and the van lurched again. How we hadn’t crashed yet was beyond me.

“Well, what about the dad? They oughta be together, right?” Horace nudged Jasper, who nodded eagerly.

“Yeah, where’s your dad?”

Looking for me.

“If you're talking about my birth father, I know as much about him as I do my birth mother.” I glared at them, “My real dad is out looking for me and probably has the entire Navy after you by now. He's a cop, you know.”

Horace turned slightly pale at this. “I'm not going to jail for some fairy tale, love story nonsense, boss!”

Fairy tale, love story nonsense.

Wait.

What had she said my birth mother’s name was? Claire, right? As in Queen Claire from Granny’s story?

You have got to be kidding me. I've been abducted over a children’s bedtime story. Do they really think I’m some long lost princess?

“No one is going to jail!” Cruella barked, “Crawford didn't think she knew anything anyway.”

Crawford. He must be the one orchestrating this. These three didn't have the combined IQ of a goldfish.

“Then why kidnap me if I don't know anything?” I asked, a heavy feeling forming in the pit of my stomach.

Jasper smiled, his face contorting into a look of sinister delight. “You're his ticket thru the stones.”

[purrincesskittens]

A Not So Family Vacation - Yuri!!!! On Ice

Summary: Victor gets the brilliant idea to go on a big fancy family vacation all over the world visiting all those they met during the Grand Prix Finals and learning new skating methods in each place thinking it would be a great experience not only for himself and Yuuri but Yuri or Yurio as well who he decides to drag along, with Yakov and Lilia’s permission. Yuri of course wants nothing to do with the ‘family vacation’ . Victor offers a compromise to get Yuri to come along and be good. Yuri can bring one ‘thing’ with him on the vacation. 

Prologue: 

“Hell no I’m not going you old fart. I’d rather die then go along with you and the pork cutlet bowel on some so called family vacation!!” Yuri hisses and spits crossing his arms rooting himself firmly in place on the couch at Lilia’s place.

“Yuri!! What have I said about using those unattractive words?!” Lilia protests hands on her hips giving him a stern look that had him muttering a sheepish apology to her. 

“Yuri this could be an experience that could help further your skating better then just staying here in Russia.” Yakov growls moving to stand in front of the boy arms crossed. 

“Victor is offering to take you around the world and visit all the other Finalists from the Grand Prix and learn new skating techniques. This is a once in a life time opportunity that you do not want to miss because you are being selfish and rude!”  Yakov scolds Yuri as if he were a kitten that was misbehaving.

Yuri sulked slouching down in the cushions a scowl on his face his hair hanging in his eyes hiding the death glare he kept shooting to the overly happy couple standing not to far behind his coaches. 

“Ooh I know what if we compromise? Ehh?” Victor asks perkily giving a big smile that just made Yuri want to wipe it off his face with his fist. “What if we let you bring one thing with you besides your usual luggage? Hmm? Does that sound good?” 

Victor looked to be so proud of himself for coming up with his idea. Yuuri just sighed knowing it was going to be a long trip and dealing with Victor wasn’t going to be easy nor was putting up with Yuri’s teenage grumpiness and temper going to be a walk in the park. He knew Victor wasn’t going to give up till he got Yuri to come along with them.

Yuri bit his lip considering the offer carefully. He could bring his cat along, Poyta but getting her through customs would be a pain and he would have to sedate her for each plane ride. She wouldn’t like it anyways being cooped up in the hotel room all the time and finding a hotel that allowed pets. That was something else all together. 

Hmm what else could he bring with him. His cat print clothes would go in his suitcase along with his skates and he would of course bring his team Russia jacket that was all a must have but what else could he bring? His ipod? He was bringing that anyways as well as his cell phone and laptop.

“Does it have to be a thing?” He asks considering the proposal carefully. “No if you want to bring a person along with you to keep you company that is fine too. “ Victor answers cheerfully glad Yuri seemed to be considering his offer. 

“You can bring a friend along with you so you won’t be so lonely.” Victor suggests earning a sigh from Yuuri who understood the younger boy a little bit better then Victor enough to know not to aggravate him with stupid things like what he was doing now. 

“Victor you know Yuri doesn’t like to be teased besides he really only has one friend.” Yuuri hisses at his fiance softly putting a hand on his shoulder to try and keep him from saying anything else stupid. Yuri sat up with an evil grin on his face actually looking a little hopeful and exited about the trip now. “I’ll go. On one condition. I want Beka.” He announces triumphantly causing Yakov to sigh and give a groan resting his head in his hands. 

[shoveanavocadoupmyass]

‘Ōkole 🏄

@americanexceptionalism

[The trip to Honolulu wasn’t as awkward as Allan expected it to be. He was in the habit of completely underestimating exactly how good he was at hiding his feelings - and how much he perked up when he was around people. In general. Not just Alfred. A long drive and an equally arduous plane ride following were made a lot easier just sitting and chatting about random, inconsequential shit like how to survive if you were washed up on a desert island with nothing but your wits and a package of taco seasoning, or, you know...cool bugs that squirt venom out of their asses. He hardly had time to think about their recent tryst in the rain, or how outwardly he had been avoiding talking to Alfred, or how when Al smiled it was like the sun was shining directly in his fucking face. Sure, the silences were a little uncomfortable when they happened. Allan had pretended to nap at one point just so he could veg out to the music on his iPod and work on bottling up all of the things he was feeling.] 

[They made good time. There weren’t any delays, no ones luggage was lost, no one was stopped at security, and after a suspiciously easy 5 minute walk to their hotel, and a check in with a pleasant (but not, like, creepy-customer-service-pleasant) hotel clerk, they went up their rooms. Room...Room. And that’s when everything made sense - clearly the easy travelling was God’s way of apologizing for the fact that Alfred had booked a room with a single, king sized bed...And not only that! Oh no. He had unknowingly (?) booked a suite.] 

[A suite literally titled ‘The Ku‘uipo Room’.]

[The Sweetheart Room.] 

[Allan couldn’t make this shit up if he tried.]

[He gives the room a quick once over, observing the large basket sitting on the wide, red bedspread (that has literal fucking rose petals strewn across it - rose petals for fucks sake), and the mysterious containers, heart shaped box, and a large bottle of champagne that filled it. Above the headboard was a mirror - nothing fancy, but it’s possible there were mechanisms on either side that allowed for it to be pulled out for...whatever reason. Oh, and the massive jacuzzi bathtub that sat at the end of the room, by a floor to ceiling length window that overlooked the water, and the beach, and the sky.] 

[He...would usually have something to say. And maybe it’s because he knows what a fucking fantastic story this is going to make in the future, or because he’s fully aware of how terrible this trip is going to be knowing that they’re going to have to share a bed (though he could always sleep in the tub to get out of that?), but he’s speechless. He looks like he’s about to burst into laughter (or scream????) when he turns to face Alfred just to...gauge his reaction.] 

[argotmagazine-blog]

Music Is a Miracle

When I hear a song I can travel back in time to a specific place. Sometimes I travel back feeling tender and sore. Other times I arrive and feel all the freedom and glory of being four years old again. I’ve gathered some songs here that have the time machine magic ability to send me reeling back to specific memories. This mixed cd essay provides a snapshot into periods of my life where major and minor events happened on a scale from joy and love to violence, depression and confusion. When I hear any of these songs I can remember the textures and tones of what I was wearing, or what conversations were being had above my head, or how I felt at the time hearing the song.

1. Don’t Stop the Music, Yarbrough & Peoples (23 years old, San Francisco, CA) When I show up to my somatic therapy session and the two chairs that usually face each other are nowhere in sight, my stomach almost falls out of my butt. My therapist asks me to play a song on the small iPod speaker so that we can move around to it during the session and I choose “Don’t Stop the Music.” I turn my back to her and sob the entire time it plays, full to the brim with anger at her (even though she told me we would begin to transition to embodiment/movement in our sessions). I was also ready to punch myself in the face out of anger and disgust because I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t dance while someone else watched. It was the beginning of my journey to understanding the shame I carry in my body and the trigger of being watched. Later that year, I am confronted with the question, what if you never remember what happened to you? Then I understand I need to begin with being at peace with the fact (the absolute blessing and absolute curse) that I might not ever remember exactly who harmed me, when, or how often. My body remembers, and that has to be enough to begin the process of healing.

2. Paper Planes, M.I.A. (18 years old, New York, NY) I am dancing on top of a bar in an old brownstone on 114th St. between Amsterdam & Broadway in what is formerly known as Harlem and currently colonized as Columbia University. I am a freshman in college and it’s Fall semester. I often overhear people I consider to be kids (like me) talking about drycleaning and credit limits and other things I didn’t have access to on the elevator of my freshman dorm. It is probably my second or third time being drunk in my life. The party is beach-themed and there is real sand on the floor of the brownstone occupied by a white fraternity. There is “jungle juice” being squirted out of super soakers at people as they dance. As soon as I hear Paper Planes starting up with it’s repetitive electric guitar riff, I dart from my group of 15th floor friends dancing in a circle and demand someone help hoist me onto the bar. I’m dancing to the song when the police come into the house to break up the party. It’s the most nonviolent I’ve ever seen police in my life.

3. House Every Weekend, David Zowie (24 years old, London, England) I am in Camden Town at a dark bar. Everyone’s drinking something called a ‘Stevie Wonder.’  It comes in a squat round glass with a brown sugar cube balanced in the middle by a long toothpick, served with the sugar cube set on fire. Some dude with a bald head and a gold tooth in the front (not Slick Rick) wears a brown leather jacket with shearling wool around the collar. He seems to be friends with everyone. I never figure out if he works for the club or if he’s a dope dealer. This is my second time traveling alone and my first trip ever to London. I chill on a couch with the bald dude with his gold tooth and some of his friends; they are girls my age and one guy who is a muscle meatball. All of them are messily drunk and predictably simple in the way they talk to each other about themselves and other people. I assess they are not smart enough to be a danger to me. They invite me to an after hours party and I ride in a cab with them; we pass Big Ben and the London Eye to get there. They are playing House Every Weekend when we walk into the club. It’s probably my sixth time hearing it that night between the two clubs. After two hours of declining the flirtatious advances of the bald head, I go to the bathroom and return to find that the group of people I came with are gone. I grab my coat from coat check and go outside. I see the sun rising and the group of them negotiating with a cab driver. Bald head looks mortified as I approach. I give him a good old fashioned Black American cuss out for trying to abandon me and shake him down for cab fare. He comes up with the money. I ride back to my hostel alone in my own cab, satisfied with myself that I’m safe and alone. I’m fucking proud of not taking anybody’s shit—not in America, and damn sure not in London. I wake up the next afternoon hungover to someone blasting Back to Black by Amy Winehouse. It’s her birthday.

4. Silly Love Songs, Disco Duck Dance Party (5 years old, San Francisco, CA) I am little, (maybe in kindergarten, maybe younger) dancing in the daycare at my Nana’s house. It’s my turn to choose a record on the record player and I choose the Disco Duck Dance Party sleeve with the two yellow ducks with blonde wigs dancing on the cover. When Silly Love Songs comes on, I grab arms with another small person and we spin and we spin and we spin on the carpet. The carpet has a gray roads pattern on it that is great for playing on with tiny toy cars. I pull the bottom of my shirt low and flip it over the top of the neckline to make a crop top like a hoochie mama with my belly out. It’s okay, it’s fun, it’s funny, and we all do it. Our round pale and ashy bellies under ribs showing and we can’t stop laughing at ourselves, at each other.

5. The Good Life, Kanye West ft. T-Pain (16 years old, Aguacate, southeast of Tatumbla, Honduras) I am sixteen, going on seventeen. I am in Honduras for the summer living in a homestay and volunteering with a program called Amigos de las Americas. The program is made up of primarily rich white kids who enroll to volunteer so they can write in their college application essays that ‘they helped’ and ‘learned so much about life from poor people’. It’s the summer people touch my hair and it’s affirmed that I’m Black in a way that doesn’t feel good. It’s the summer the entire village laughs at me because I say I’m from the United States. They laugh because they assure me that there are no Black people in the United States and they think I’m out of my mind when I tell them that later that year there will, hopefully, be a Black president elected to office. I leave in late summer and never learn what they think of Barack Obama. One night in my cot as I lay suffering and scratching from scabies on my way to sleep, a rat skids underneath my already low to the ground cot. I nearly lose my shit as I’m quietly listening to my walkman play Kanye and T-Pain’s The Good Life. The walkman breaks on the floor in my shock and stays broken for the larger part of the trip. I am so happy to see my Black family when I get home. When it is time to write my personal statement for my college application, I am advised by college counselors and mentors to choose between writing about my incarcerated parent or my schizophrenic parent. Guess I didn’t need to go to Honduras after all.

6. A Rose Is Still A Rose, Aretha Franklin (7 years old, San Francisco, CA) I learn intuition by being sensitive to the pitches, tones, scents, and temperatures of our house. We get bars on our windows. The fish dies. Again. Our neighbors are a nuisance. We seem to have to share everything with them. Consequently, we know about their stealing geese from Golden Gate Park and eating them for a celebration one year because we see them two-to-a-bag waddling in our shared backyard. Carrots and peas come up through our tub drain from the pipes we share. My mother tells us to bang on the walls with her high-heeled shoes when they sing Vietnamese karaoke too late into the night for our liking. I know my mother’s every scent. She does my hair in ways I don’t like, but she tries. I’ve already begun losing hair on either side of my temples. A Rose is Still A Rose is a precursor for my mother breaking glasses or me sneaking white wine out of the box in the refrigerator by putting my head under the spout. It’s a wonder how the wine makes my chest feel hot even though it’s cold. A Rose is Still A Rose plays and my mother is having a Tupperware party with a sweet Filipina saleswoman on our black couch with the seemingly spray-painted teal and magenta colors across it. A Rose is Still a Rose is on and I’m in first grade memorizing my crush’s phone number from his emergency card. I go home to call it and hang up, call it and hang up, call it and hang up. Until his mother calls our house back via *69 and I am completely mortified when I pick up.

7. One More Time, Daft Punk (6 years old, Concord, CA) I am wearing a pink (or is it strawberry?) one-piece swimsuit at Waterworld. The water slides  loom high above me. There is music playing on the loudspeaker throughout the water park. The station playing is Wild 94.9, the song is One More Time and it’s sung by robots. I’ve never heard anything like it. I am clear that this is not our music—music from our house, from our family. I’m becoming aware that our house and our music might be different than the outside world. I am curious about whose house this music belongs to. I’m curious about who this sounds like home to. I’m curious if there is an entire other world of music made by robots or other human beings that has existed outside of my knowledge. I go to sit down in my hot plastic lounge chair and flinch from the burn. Instead I choose to stand beside it and step my foot to the quick rhythm as I dry off.

8. Dontcha, The Internet (22 years old, Oakland, CA) I’m in the toothpaste aisle at Safeway on an errand for my family when she tells me she ‘loves me loves me’ over the phone. I feel like there are colors flying off of my back in the wind like Pocahontas, I’m so damn happy. I’m living at my family’s house on a couch less than a year out of college and I feel pathetic when the flirtationship ends, because I don’t even have my own bed to have a good teenage girl cry in. I cry in my car while listening to Dontcha often. Until less than a month later, my car gets broken into because I accidentally leave a nearly empty backpack peeking from under the backseat. The backpack contains my one pair of prescription glasses, a good pair of earrings, and an old letter from my flirtmate written before we parted ways. The letter had both of our names and addresses on it—it was a love note containing a fictional lesbian erotica scene starring the two of us.

12. Ain’t Too Proud to Beg, The Temptations (4 years old, San Francisco, CA) I have a small microphone in my hand that has a metal coil in it that vibrates and echoes my voice when I sing into it. My grandpa teaches me Ain’t Too Proud to Beg and the two of us take turns singing it into the microphone. He loves the way I sing “sim-puh-tee” not knowing the word ‘sympathy’ or how to pronounce it. I learn to love The Temptations. I grow to love performing. Soon I begin to have awful night terrors that wake everyone in the house while I kick and scream. My grandma goes to an herbalist to get some little red pills that have a sweet coating on them. I remember coming-to once in the light of the hallway with my grandparents on either side of me to give me a dose of the recommended herbs, but I have no recollection of my dream beforehand.

9. Push It, Rick Ross (16 years old, San Francisco, CA) I am driving my mom’s Black Isuzu with a provisional license. I have two jobs after school. Nearly all of my classes are AP classes. I want to be like the white kids I go to school with. I want to have an allowance, have a lunch prepared for me, have breakfast before I leave the house. I want to go thrift shopping and wear other people’s clothes and roll my eyes when my parents listen to talk radio and read books not required for class. Despite my trying, I feel a barrier that I can’t name or identify when trying to fit in. The cowboy boots I buy are not theirs because mine are too expensive. My sense of books or music or movies is not theirs because my sense of humor is not nuanced enough. I sit in a classroom of majority white kids and watch Do the Right Thing for the first time. It disturbs me in language I don’t have to observe white people watch my culture in rooms where we are minimally present. I wear a mask to be accepted at school but it’s not a well-constructed one. One day while walking to return an overdue film at my library, I decide that I’m going to begin selling weed despite never having smoked it myself.

I sell a teensy bag of weed to a kid at my school and it’s way too little for what he’s paid me. He sends another friend to my math class to get his money back. He thinks I’ve punked his friend but really, I don’t know what I’m doing. I drive to St. Francis Wood bumping Rick Ross’ Push It in my mama’s car to sell a petty amount of weed to another kid who doesn’t give me enough money on purpose. The following day at lunch, I come behind him in line at Mollie Stone’s and scoop up all $20 of his change. He looks at me in disbelief without protesting—he is afraid of me. I learn that people want me to play a role—a good one or a bad one. They like it when I prove them right and I have to work extra hard to prove them wrong (because they hate being wrong).

My weed-selling days last a week or two in total. That week on my way home from an after-school job downtown, I descend into the Powell Street station and there are officers with dogs harassing people and smelling their stuff. I race back up the stairs and wait for the bus with weed in a small coffee container in my backpack. In a freaked out haze, I get on the next bus, which ends up being the 9x (when what I really needed was the 9). As I notice the bus turning onto the freeway, I vow to never sell weed again, to stop trying to fit in with white people, and to never take the 9x (unless I have exhausted all other options).

10. Sweetest Taboo, Sade (26 years old, Southernmost Point Key West, Florida) I am alone, turning twenty six years old in the Florida Key. I take myself out to birthday dinner at a restaurant on the beach and eat fresh fish and key lime pie for dessert. There is a family of a mom and dad and two daughters at the table across from mine. They’re discussing a younger family member who is trans. The parents at the table are loud in their determination not to call the person by their name or respect their pronouns. The waiters come and sing Happy Birthday to me at my table of one. I drink my glass of champagne, raising it to my mouth instead of answering when the mommy jackass from the other table ask if it’s my birthday. After dinner, I go down to the beach and get in the water up to my knees. Looking out into the shining black of the water, the sky, and the moon reflecting, I listen and dance to Sweetest Taboo by Sade playing on my phone clutched in my hand. The entire trip is a get-well-soon trip to myself. I do all of the sweet things the usual me would like for the me that has been sick, depressed, dissociating, and not feeling anything. I go home to the Airbnb I’m staying at on Sugarloaf Key and I masturbate for the first time with my hands. I have an orgasm and I cry and cry and cry. Ashamed-cry, scared-cry, confused-cry, something-is-breaking-away-cry, something-is-becoming-cry, how-long-has-that-been-there-cry, why-cry, I-just-did-that-and-I’m-proud-cry, why-don’t-I-know-what-happened-to-me-cry. I don’t give up on myself. I don’t give up on interrogating and pursuing my pleasure despite it’s seemingly stitched-together relationship to shame.

11. Get it Together, India Arie (19 years old, New York, NY) I make a mixed CD and mail it to my mother. She is in rehab in San Francisco and I am in college, a world apart in New York City. Maybe I am a sophomore, maybe I am a junior. I have finally come out of denial about my mother’s drug use. I call her one day and I’m furious about her lying to me. And I’m furious at my family for lying to me. I’m furious for the whole world acting like everything is okay. I’m furious that she stole my money, lied about it and sold my guitar before I could learn to play it. I’m furious that she put my sisters through hell. I’m furious because I am ashamed. I’m furious because I’m afraid. I’m afraid of addiction. I’m afraid she’ll never shake it. I’m afraid my sisters will live in shame because of it. I’m afraid I will be addicted. I’m afraid nothing will ever be okay again. My mother enrolls in detox and then enrolls in rehab. She stays there. She lives there for six months before transitioning to a halfway house. While she’s in rehab, I send her a mixed CD with Get it Together by India Arie on it. I’m walking between one class and the next when she calls to tell me that she’s three months sober and really enjoys the CD I made her. I’m grateful she’s sober. I’m furious. I’m hopelessly confused and sorry and fucking sad. And I can’t tell her anything except “congratulations” with a full throat, out of fear of breaking her sobriety.

12. We Belong Together, Mariah Carey (16 years old, San Francisco, CA) I am sixteen in the passenger’s seat of my grandpa’s Ford Expedition as we drive with a car full of grandkids to the movies. He loved Mariah Carey’s We Belong Together since he first heard it and has insisted my grandmother put it on a cd for him—ALL. EIGHTEEN. TRACKS. I seem to be the only one tired of it, all of the other kids get a kick out of belting it out again when it comes on deck the next time. Later this year my grandpa gets the truck washed and detailed and insists that I take my driver’s license test in it. Everyone else is lined up behind me for their license test appointment at the DMV in tiny cars. When I pass the test, my grandpa kisses me on the head and I realize that he is showing me confidence and pride in my ability. I feel special and capable and trusted. When he says, “I knew you would do it!” I realize I knew I would too.

13. The Storm is Over Now, Kirk Franklin (14 years old, Phoenix, AZ) I am in the backseat of my great aunt’s Cadillac in Arizona after meeting her for the second time in my life. I’ve just come from seeing my paternal grandfather die from cancer the day after meeting him in the hospice center for the first time. In his sickness, he sent for my sister and me to come from California. He wanted to meet us before he died. That night, my great aunt armed with silver-purple hair and a hug big enough for my sister and me to fit in at once, drives us to the hospice center directly from the airport. When we walk into the room, my grandfather has a large knot at the top of his bald head and he is barely responsive to us. But he closes his eyes tight or nods very slightly as my great aunt talks to him loudly, letting him know his grandbabies are there. I meet my all of my aunts and great aunts for the first time. I meet all these people who look like me. Early early the next morning, we get a call notifying us that my grandfather has died. When we go to see his lifeless body in the hospice center, I don’t remember who prays with us around him. When we head back, The Storm is Over Now plays in the car, and I cry because it’s an awfully timely song. The sky opens up after raining and the light comes through like a slice. We all agree that it’s confirmation he’s been accepted into heaven.

14. Deep in the Bottom, Black Coffee (27 years old, San Francisco, CA) I am on-time to therapy. I walk over from work. When my therapist asks if I have music to move to, I select the therapy playlist I’ve been practicing to. Deep in the Bottom comes on the speakers. I begin moving around the room. My hips and back want to be rolled, I let them. My feet want to keep time. My chest wants to expand and contract. My neck rolls and tries to loosen. I think to myself that half of the work is choosing music that I can’t help but move to. The other half is reminding myself that I am not in danger. I remind myself that this is the work. I try to keep my head up as I move. I try to catch my own eye in the mirror when I can bear to. I try to let the self-deprecating thoughts pass. I remind myself that reclaiming intimacy through movement, eye contact, physical touch, walking without bracing all of my organs—all of it, is a healing practice. Today I move and dance like I never have before. I dance like everybody's watching and I don’t care.  

Tanea Lunsford Lynx is a fourth generation Black San Franciscan on both sides. She is currently at work on her first novel. She has more than 10 years of experience as a performing artist, curator, activist and educator in San Francisco.

[chelsealivesclothing]

260 words/per page

Dear Diary,

My name is Chelsea, I am 16 years old right now. I live with my mother and older brother named Francis. My father and my extended family are in Africa where we are from. My mother came to the U.S. in 2000 and brought my brother and I 5 years later in 2005. So it’s only the three of us as far as family goes here in the U.S. My dad was never brought along because my parents separated shortly after my mother left Africa. I was too young to understand the entire reason why but I think it had to do with him cheating.

Sometimes I wish I were back home with my dad, my mother is a difficult person to live with. I am almost sure she is bipolar, or has at least some sort of mental disorder. She is always angry and bitter at my brother and I. She yells and screams half the time, and calls us terrible names. Her favorite things to say are “I wish I never had you” or I wish I had an abortion”. I never experienced this kind of hatred when I live with my dad. In fact I think I would rather be back in Africa sharing a bed with 3 people and using an outdoor shower with no hot water than to be enduring this emotional abuse from my mother.

I mean, she isn’t always so bad. I call her bipolar because she also has good days where she can be really nice, lovely, and understanding. Those days she feels like a real mother and life seems normal which gets very confusing for me because I can never decide whether I love or hate her and whether I’m miserable in my life or not.

My brother Francis is 18 and he sleeps on the couch in our 2 bedroom apartment. We moved out of a 3 bedroom last year because after he turned 18 my mother decided he would sleep on the couch until he got a job and moved out. But my brother is a strange creature, as miserable as my mother makes out home life sometimes I am surprised he hasn’t packed his bags and gotten as far away from here as he can. I think his laziness gets the best of him. The only thing he likes to do is sit around home playing video games. Him and I are polar opposites. I am a restless one. I already have it planned out, as soon as I turn 18 I am getting a job and getting out of here. 

Dear Diary

My name is Chelsea and I am a kleptomaniac. I have a serious issue with stealing and I can’t really help it, I wouldn’t be able to get anything otherwise unless I steal it. My mother says she can’t afford to get us new things and even though she always goes shopping for herself the only money she wants to spend on me is on used clothes. I am in high school so used clothes just don’t cut it. For me stealing is almost like a survival thing, high school is like a jungle and if you don’t look a certain way you will be eaten alive.

Anyway I got caught stealing at Walmart today. I have stolen there dozens of times before and never had an issue but I guess they were beginning to catch on to me because this time after I filled my bag up with a bunch of makeup products I found the theft prevention guy waiting for me at the door. They had the police come and take me to the juvenile center. My mother was horrified.

She has not spoken a single word to me and for her that means something terrible because she is not the kind of person to go silent, in fact she is usually the opposite. Yelling and making a scene are her thing. So her silence has spoken a great deal to me, I know this is serious. 

When we got home from the juvenile center she ripped my tv out of my room, took my iPod, and worse yet, packed up all my makeup items and took them to her room. I can deal with no Tv or iPod but how in the actual phuck am I supposed to walk around school with no makeup? I have been freaking out about this for the last hour. I don’t want to steal again but I think I may have to because I simply can not be seen at school with no makeup.

Regardless of what I just said though, I truly have learned my lesson about stealing for the last time. I had the worst knot in my stomach when they took me to the center and this is actually not the first time. I got arrested one time before when I was 13 years old for stealing a pair of earrings. I felt just as horrible then as I do now and I vowed then to stop stealing and stuck to it… for a while. 

Stealing is an addiction, especially when it is your only option for obtaining things. I went a long time without ever wanting to be bad again but when the thoughts to take things start creeping back into your head it is difficult to stop them and to stop yourself.

Dear Diary

My mother has really gone out of her mind this time. I knew her silence meant something evil was brewing inside of her but I could have never guessed this. She wants me to spend the summer with a friend of hers in Omaha Nebraska that neither she or I has ever met. I mean who does that? Who hands their kid off to someone they have never even met? My mother says she talks to them on the phone all the time but that hardly qualifies as knowing someone. She explained that she wants me to go live there for the summer because the friend has a daughter named Belita who is my age but a better version of myself with her being a straight A student. My mother hopes that I will pick up some good habits from her. I think it’s absolute nonsense and this is my mother’s sick excuse to get rid of me for one reason or another. I can’t fathom how terrible it is that I have to spend 2 months with complete strangers and worst of all, lose out on my summer break. 

The other more horrifying thing is she has been telling them embarrassing things about me, things that I’m even embarrassed to tell you diary. But I guess since the whole world knows now I guess you ought to know as well. 

When I lived in Africa the only bathroom we had was an outdoor one. So to avoid making bathroom trips in the middle of the night back and forth outside my grandmother would keep a piss bucket inside the house in case any of us woke up with a weak bladder. 

From that I now have a bad habit of pissing in a small bucket in my room when I wake up in the middle of the night. This is something I am humiliated by and managed to keep a secret until my mother let herself into my room a few months ago and found my DIY toilet. 

This is the story she is telling everyone. How am I supposed to spend a summer or make friends with anyone who knows something like this about me?

Dear diary,

I thought my mother may have been bluffing about the whole Nebraska thing and that she would eventually change her mind but she certainly was not kidding because she already bought me a plane ticket there. 

On the other hand school is coming to its end and I am pretty excited. I don’t have much of a life here so I won’t miss it so much. The only thing I have going for me so far is I have a best friend named Elise. She is not really my type, or rather the type of person who will do anything good for my reputation but we get along very well. I like Elise but the thing is in high school you are judged not only for you and what you look like, but also for the company you keep. And I’m not saying Elise is a loser but she’s not exactly the picture of popularity. She is tall, like, really tall. Probably about 6ft. She is on the heavier side, she doesn’t wear makeup, and she doesn’t dress very well. 

I am not quite popular myself but I have potential. Potential which I think is being held back by my hanging out with someone who is kind of on the opposite spectrum of being “cool”. I love my best friend though and I wouldn’t trade her for the world. I think the only way to balance out having an uncool friend is to have more cool ones (pardon me, I hate using the word “cool” it sounds so pretentious, but I’m not sure what other ones I can use to help you understand my point). 

I kinda have a plan to counteract my current dilemma. There is this boy in school who has been giving me a hard stare for the last couple of weeks. It’s a kind of lusty stare that says “I want you” in just one look. He wants me. He is not exactly the kind of guy I pictured myself with but I have been thinking about it lately and he’s definitely kinda perfect for me. I’ve done a little research on him around the school and on social media and his name is Cj Mgcgill, he is cute, closer to my age (one grade up), he’s on the basketball team and I just think we would look really nice together. Best part of is all of his friends are popular so I think he can provide a good way for me to finally get where I want in high school Hierarchy. 

-

Dear Diary, 6/12/12 8:13am

Today is the day. I am currently on the place to O-town. My mother just dropped me off at the airport and our car ride here was pretty tense. Right now I am sitting in the terminal nervous out of my mind. I have no idea what to expect from this summer in Omaha. I have never met these people at all and I’m really not sure how it will go. I’ve been establishing rapport with Belita the last couple weeks and she actually seems kinda cool from the conversations we have had over the phone as well as our interactions on Twitter. She hasn’t ever mentioned the pee thing or treated me weirdly because of it so that has kinda helped me put my guard down in that sense.

6:17pm

I have been here in Omaha a few hours now and I am quite pleasantly surprised by the results. I met the Family earlier and it consists of the Mother, Maude, whom I am to refer to as Aunt Maude, her daughter Belita who I found out today is just one year younger than I am but in the same grade, then last her youngest son Akim who is 12. Aunt Maude is actually very nice, down to earth and fun. I feel at home already! 

I was not expecting to feel comfortable so quickly. But the real surprise lies with Belita. Based on my mother’s description I was expecting some goody-two shoes book worm school girl and to her credit she is a straight A student but socially I think she is worse than I am!

She told me earlier about how she sneaks out of her mom’s apartment at night to go  to parties and that she has older friends that supply her with alcohol and give car rides when she needs. As far as alcohol goes, my only experience with it has been when I sneak glasses of wine from my mom’s supply but never more. She told me as a welcome surprise she has planned for us to sneak out later tonight to go hang out with two of her older guy friends, DJ Wol and Cuckoo who are roommates. I am not sure exactly how old they are but I know they are both over 21 with their own apartments and cars. I am very excited for a little kiss of freedom because I have never been out on my own past a certain hour before, let alone drinking, and to make it worse with older guys! I just hope they are cute! 

This is poetic justice in its truest form. My mother undermined how good of a child I am and thought she would ruin my summer by bringing me here but did not realize she was putting me in the hands of everything she feared I was but was not! This summer I am going to make it a point to enjoy how well karma truly works!

Dear diary, 6/13/12 10:00am

I just woke up and am currently experiencing a hell of a hangover. Last night turned out to be a horror show. Thinking about it makes me cringe and writing about it might be even worse but I have to tell you. 

Belita and I snuck out around 11pm after ensuring that her mother was good and well passed out. The boys were waiting for us outside. They were not as attractive as I had hoped, or attractive at all actually but that was not really a big concern for me. I was in it for the drinks and that was all that really mattered.

We got to their place and the first thing I did was take a shot of Hennessy. . Within a few minutes I started to feel a nice buzz and the feeling was mutual among the group so we decided to retreat to the basement to play some games.

At first everything was fun and everyone was being pleasant. I was enjoying myself and my mental state. We started off by playing pool, I didn’t understand the game so Dj Wol took it upon himself to explain the basics of it to me. After a few games we decided I was hopeless and decided to move on. Someone suggested we play beer pong which I did not quite understand the rules of either. Dj Wol took me under his wing  as a teacher again and I began to notice how the dynamic in the room was molding itself. Since there were two guys and two girls each guy had gravitated towards the girl of his choice and I realized I was Dj Wol’s… only he wasn’t mine. I had taken a liking to him but only as a friend. Belita on the other hand seemed to be enjoying her match in Cuco. 

Even though I started off the rookie at beer pong I turned out to be the best one at it and while everyone else was taking down shots after shots from losing, I was able to keep a firm grasp on my slight buzz. The more the 3 of them drank, the more chaotic everything became. I decided to take myself upstairs to see if I could find something to snack on. As I climbed up the stairs I heard the stair creaking behind me and upon turning around found that DJ Wol was following me out of the basement. 

An uneasy feeling washed over me, he had been hounding me the entire night since we started drinking and with his current mental state the last thing I wanted to do was be alone with him. I told myself I was being too paranoid and brushed my concerns off.

He followed me into the kitchen and we made small talk as he showed me where they kept their snacks. I grabbed a granola bar and started to head off downstairs before he stopped me and asked if I wanted to see his motorcycle. I had no interest in spending another second alone with him but he insisted and I did not want to be rude so I obliged.

He took me through a backdoor into a small garage where his motor cycle was parked. “Isn’t it gorgeous?” He asked, and I did my best to brush off my uneasiness and give an optimistic reply. “It’s beautiful”, I replied. 

Suddenly he came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me from the back, “Do you want to hop on it?” He asked. The gesture made me extremely uncomfortable so I asked him politely to get his hands off of me so I could go back downstairs. He let me go but as I turned to leave he grabbed my hand and pulled me into his arms again. The act gave me a feeling that he did not care whether I wanted him or not and that he was planning to have me either way.

I went into panic mode. Everything within his facial expressions and actions told me that he was going to rape me and take my virginity right then and right there. I tried to do my best to stay calm and not allow the situation to escalate so I looked him in the eyes and asked him to let me go so I could go downstairs. I even threw in a smile to make it seem as though I had not acknowledged the situation. He let me go soon after and I quickly made my way downstairs.

I had had enough and wanted to leave so I went to grab Belita to tell her that we had to go. Belita was so drunk and so wrapped up in Cuco that she barely acknowledged my presence let alone paid attention to my pleas for us to go. I was extremely disappointed in Belita and my first night in Omaha that all I could do was sit in the chair across from the her and Cuco and regret spending my summer here.

Belita sensed my frustration with her as we left the boys’ house so the two of us have not been on good terms since last night. I made a subtweet towards her last night that read something along the lines of “I hate being around thirsty drunk bitches“ which I strongly regret now. I know she read it because she subtweeted something ugly back at me which I have no care to mention. 

She left for work earlier and I am not sure how we are going to go along after this with this new tension between us. I helped myself understand that I am here for the summer and have to do my absolute best to keep things positive between the two of us because if things turn sour there will be nowhere to run away to. So I have to disolve all my feelings of hurt and betrayal and put on. A happy face so we can move forward in a positive manner when she gets back from work later today.

Dear diary, 6/13/12 12:23am

I’ve been so hungover I haven’t been able to eat. I was talking to aunt Maude earlier and she told me about how her church does a fast annually where they only eat one meal a day after sunset for 40 days or something like that. On a normal occasion I could never imagine myself being able to do that because I have such a large appetite but after finding that my hunger goes AWOL after a night of Hennessy I have decided that if I drink at least every night this summer I should have no problem losing weight. I’m gonna do that one meal a day fast that aunt Maude was talking about. It is a really easy thing to think about at this moment because as sick as I feel right now the very thought of food actually just makes me want to throw up. Hopefully I will be able to keep up with it the entire summer because I would Ideally like to drop to 105 pounds before summer ends. Last summer I did the Master Cleanse which is basically a diet where you down eat anything for 10 days. I lost 17 pounds within the time but ended up gaining it all right back afterwards because I went right back to over eating. This time I will keep up with my weight loss for sure.

Dear Diary, 6/13/12 4:16pm

Belita just got home and things are even more awkward between us than I imagined they would be. The awkwardness is mostly due to the lack of effort on her part. She is not fond of me right now and she does not care if I know it. I’m really not sure how we are gonna be able to heal and move forward from last night but I can only do my best but my best won’t be enough if she is not putting forth any effort either. 

Other than that I have been pretty much watching TV all day. I was watching one of those talent shows earlier and it had Carmen. Electra as a guest host. I had never really paid so much attention to her before but I was really impressed by her flirtatiousness and ease with men. I myself have a lot of trouble having enough confidence to hold even the simplest conversations with guys I find attractive but she just breezes with her charm like it’s nothing to her. I found myself wishing that I had the same ability to be so comfortable and confident with the opposite sex. I promised myself that I am going to try to learn to be even a quarter as charming as she is by the end of summer. I think if I practice with semi-attractive boys it should ready me to talk with the guys I’m really interested in.

Dear Diary, 6/17/12 3:43pm

Things have surprisingly turned around pretty quickly between Belita and I. We have been getting along very well and its almost as if the chaos from the other night never actually happened. I’m beginning to grow very fond of her, in the little time we have spent together she is starting to feel like the sister I never had. She has a slightly rude and sarcastic attitude about her but I am learning to not be offended by it.

Her mother took me, her, and her little brother Akim for fro-yo this afternoon and I got a feeling of unity among the four of us. This summer is starting to not look so bad after all. I’ve been doing pretty well on my one meal a day diet, In fact I don’t even need to be hungover to do it because my body seems to have quickly adapted to my new meal plan. I am so excited to see how slim I get by the end of this summer.

On top of that Belita has arranged for us to go out again tonight with another one of her 20-something boy toys. We bought a bottle of Hennessy from one of her friends the other day so we will be getting high from our own supply- so to speak.

Dear diary, 6/18/12 10:58am

Last night was INSANE. Belita and I took shots from our liquor bottle as preparation to go out. I had never had complete freedom to drink a bottle of liquor as my own before and neither had she so we were completely lost on how many shots one needs to take to attain a proper buzz. Between the two of us we took about 7 shots each which proved to be an outrageously high amount because by the time the boys arrived to pick us up we were already drunk out of our minds. I was more drunk than she was but I think that is due to her being heavier, taller, and more athletically built than myself.

We went driving all over Omaha and I was acting a complete fool the whole time but the amazing thing is I did not give a single phuck. The alcohol was allowing me to express myself in a way I never thought I could, and in even more ways than I even knew I had the desire to. Somewhere along the night I found myself hitting on Belita! Can you imagine! I’m not gay or anything but I have had a couple of instances where she and I were laying in bed together and I felt a strong urge to rollover and become sexual with her. I think what it means is just that I am a very horny person and not necessarily that I feel any romantic attraction to her or any other members of my same sex.

Belita refused my sexual advances towards her but the look on her face when she did so said she was just doing so out of decency and not because she didn’t want it also.

I was surprised by how much confidence and how uninhibited drinking made me feel. I really wish I can be this way when I am just my sober self but I think if I drink enough I will learn to be.  

Anyway we kept ignorantly downing the shots throughout the night and by the end of it I had become so deliriously drunk that I started bowling my eyes out about something totally nonsensical before burying my head in the toilet to projectile vomit every little thing I had put into myself over the previous 12 hours. The good thing about me involuntarily throwing up was that by the time we had to go back home I had sobered up so there was no worry of my clumsy drunken self making a ruckus and waking top aunt Maude to have her discover that we had snuck out during the night.

Dear Diary6/19/12

We snuck out again last night but not for anything fun this time. We didn’t even get drunk, we just went and hung out with a girl friend of hers named Nyajal. There were a few boys at Nyajal’s house but none of them were even halfway attractive which made me frustrated as I came to the realization that Belita doesn’t really hang out with any particularly attractive people and therefore my summer is going to be a complete tank if I don’t experience even a minor summer romance.

Other than that its the end of my first week here but it feels like I’ve already been here forever. Belita and I are like two peas in a pod. We have our moments every once and again were we butt heads but for the most part we get along like we have known each other forever. Aunt Maude is really fun and I really enjoy her. She is not as controlling or strict as my mother is so the environment in this household is very relaxed and I feel like I can just let my guard down and enjoy myself.

Dear Diary, 6/20/12

I’ve been looking for a job. That is one of the important things I have to do this summer. I want to buy my own laptop by the time school starts again and I also want to be able to buy my own back to school clothes. My mom doesn’t really care to spend any considerable amounts of money on our back to school wear so if she won’t do it I am going to have to do it myself. Now that I have sworn to stop stealing having a job is going to have to be the one way by which I can stock up my closet. I went to apply at Wendy’s down the street the other day and they have already called me back for an interview. I am so excited, I’ve already picked out the outfit I’ll wear for it and everything. If I get this job it will mean independence from having to wait on my mother to do everything for me all the time.

Otherwise there hasn’t really been anything exciting to talk about lately. We still have some liquor leftover from out personal bottle so Belita and I have been pretty much spending our afternoons buzzed at the pool. 

In other news, Belita told me that an 18 year old family friend of hers named Julia is gonna come stay with us for a little while in a few days. She also told me that Julia is said to have HIV. This is only a rumor and not something that Julia has ever confirmed to Belita but Belita says it is true because her mother heard so From Julia’s mother. 

To be honest diary I’m kind of scared to be so intimately in company of someone with that infection. I have nothing against anyone with the disease but I fear that something small such as me sitting on the toilet after her or using a utensil after her could lead to me contracting it too. I know I’m probably being silly and ignorant but I just can’t help but feel concerned about it.

Dear Diary, 6/22/12

Things have taken a very ugly turn. My iPod went missing earlier today and I spent nearly all this afternoon retracing my steps and searching for it. At one point I went to take a break from the search and found an iPod on the couch. Belita has an iPod as well so I thought it may have been hers since I had checked the couch already and not seen mine. I took the iPod for inspection anyway just to be sure. The screensaver was different from mine but when I was prompted to put in a passcode, I typed mine in and it worked. I realized that although the screensaver had been changed, the iPod was mine. The only person who could have changed the screensaver was the only person I had trusted enough to give my passcode and that person is Belita. I realized at that moment that she had been attempting to steal my iPod by changing the screensaver to disguise it to look like her own. She probably planned on giving my iPod to her little brother  for him to use as his own. 

I have never felt so betrayed and heartbroken as I do at this very moment after realizing the girl I had grown so close with and thought of as a long lost sister would really attempt to dupe me in this way. I can’t imagine what would have happened with my iPod had I sat on that couch a minute too late. They probably would have changed everything on my iPod and made out like it was Akeem’s and I would never have been able to enjoy my iPod again.

I feel so hurt about this situation that I don’t know how to move forward from this. How can I go on smiling and laughing in the face of a backstabbing thief?

I can’t.

But I have to if I hope to have a somewhat OK summer. I have never disliked my mother as much as I do right now for sending me here. She has stooped low many times in the past but I think this is the absolute lowest. How can you send your child to live with people that you have never even met? This whole thing is absurd to me. I think if I put all my focus into work this summer should be able to go by pretty quickly.

Dear diary 6/23/12

Things have been very awkward since the iPod incidence and and it seems that roles have been switched. Belita is now the one giving her best effort to make us get along and I am finding it very hard to care abut being buddy-buddy with her. I wish I cared, I really do, but the hurt I am feeling within is making it impossible to do so.

Julia will be here in two days so I am pretty excited to have someone else to interact with beside the one person I dislike the most in the world right now.

In other news, my Interview with Wendy’s was today and after sitting down with the manager for about 30 minutes, she hired me on the spot. I am so excited! No I can have a reason to get out of this house and not constantly have to see the face of my number 1 enemy right now. I’m gonna celebrate by taking some shots from our personal liquor stash later tonight. I won’t be going anywhere but I just like the feeling of being buzzed whether its indoors or not.

Dear Diary, 6/24/12

I woke up with a hangover this afternoon to Belita knocking on the door for me to come outside. I was feeling lousy from the night before and was in no mood to talk or interact but I decided to put a dress on and follow her anyway. Waiting for us outside by a truck were Nyajal and 3 guys. I recognized one of the guys from the other night Belita and I snuck off to Nyajal’s house but the other two were unfamiliar to me. Belita and I went to join the four of them on the side of the truck where I hugged Nyajal hello then shook hands with the the rest of them to introduce myself.

Out of the 3 guys, the two unfamiliar ones to me were most attractive. They weren’t full-on attractive but compared to the boys I have been seeing lately I would say they are the cream of the crop. One was tall with long dreads in a ponytail and braces. The other was just a little shorter with a handsome chiseled face and an incredible and memorable smile. The taller one introduced himself as Chuol and the one with the beautiful smile said his was bong. Although Bong was more handsome I found myself immediately drawn to Chuol. He had this Vibrant personality and confidence about himself that was very appealing to me.

Belita, Nyajal, and the 3rd guy excused themselves and got into the car to smoke a joint. They asked if I wanted to join them but I declined and stayed outside with Chuol and Bong.

Chuol turned his attention towards me and started to make small talk. I was regrettably very quite and shy which I think he mistook as stand-offishness but in reality I had just woken up and was suffering a hangover so my social skills were suffering also. Bong tried to engage me as well but I just couldn’t bring myself to be as vibrant as they were. I felt like my personality was being suppressed by my tiredness. I was behaving to embarrassingly awkwardly in conversation with the boys that I couldn’t help but think how much better our interaction would be going had I taken a couple shots before hand.

Belita came out from car smoke session just before things got too awkward and we all made plans to hang out tomorrow. I’m nervous to see them again after making such a fool of myself but I am excited at the same time. We are all going to be drinking together so shyness will most certainly not be a factor the next time we meet. Like I said, they are not super attractive by any means nor are they the type of guys I would go for on a regular basis, but for a summer fling in Nebraska, they will do just fine!

Dear Diary 6/25/12 10:53am

Julia is here! Yay! I had no idea how relived I would be from her presence, she has such a calm and pleasant personality which is polar opposite of what I have been dealing with from Belita. Don’t get me wrong, Belita is fun and easy to get along with but she has this sarcastic and mean spirited thing about herself that makes her a little difficult to spend every day with. Julia makes me feel like home, she is easy to talk to and she has created a much needed break from all the tension between Belita and I. I’ve been trying to be positive and keep spirits up with Belita but after the whole iPod thing I honestly just feel too drained to put in more than a little effort.

Although I like Julia I still am a little freaked out about the whole HIV thing. At first I thought Belita may have been kidding about her having it but now I realize it’s definitely true. She said she wants us to accompany her to an HIV show  later which kinda put the nail in the coffin for me because who goes to an HIV show unless they have HIV right? The other thing is although she is a very beautiful girl, she does not look to be in understandable health for her age. I mean, she is 18 years old but her teeth are rotting, she has sores all up and down her face and body, etc. If I was not already scared of HIV before I am even more so now after seeing what it has done to such a beautiful young woman. 

I really wish I could ask her where she got it, or how she got in, and a million other questions pertaining to the disease but since she is not open about it I guess I am just left wondering.

Dear Diary, 6/25/12 9:15pm

We just came back from the HIV thing with Julia and are now preparing for our night out with Chuol and Bong. We didn’t count on having a third girl so I’m not sure how the boys are gonna be split between us but Belita asked Chuol if he could bring a 3rd boy for Julia. 

The HIV event we went to was surprisingly fun and informative. One thing I didn’t expect was to see so many HIV infected people look so normal and healthy. Growing up I was always told that people with HIV were supposed to look like they were near death but most people at the event looked to be in optimum health. One of the speakers said that as long as you take your medicine as you’re supposed to you could live out your entire life in perfect health. I guess I had a lot of misconceptions about the disease. 

If you can believe it I am actually more afraid of the disease now than I was before going to the event. Seeing how normal people with HIV look has scared me because now I will never know who has it. It doesn’t have a look to itself so if or when I ever decide to sleep with anyone there will be no telling what I am getting myself into. I understand you can still live your life fully with the disease but it doesn’t decrease how scary it is for me to imagine having to take pills every single day and not know whether the disease may run rampant and destroy you at any second. What the event did for me was scare me away from any future promiscuity or carelessness and I think thats a good thing.

Dear Diary, 6/26/12 1:23pm

Last night was the most amazing night of my life thus far! I think I may have partly lost my virginity, I’m not sure!

The 3 of us, Belita, Julia, and I snuck out last night just after aunt Maude had fallen asleep. Chuol came to pick us up with Bong in his dad’s minivan. They couldn’t find a 3rd boy to bring for Julia unfortunately so we had an uneven ratio of girls to boys. Initially we didn’t know who would go with who and I would have been fine with either one but I was more so interested in Chuol and I could tell he was more interested in me as well. 

We headed to hang out by a bridge and the entire way there I stayed pretty quite because like I mentioned before I get pretty awkward around boys I find attractive. I didn’t think it would be such a challenge to bring my personality out around them considering they are not what I consider to be optimally attractive but I guess even a small attraction causes my nerves to go haywire and shuts down any personality output.

Anyway we got to the bridge and when we walked out of the car Chuol followed me. He wanted me. I wanted him to but I was having trouble expressing that without a drink in my system so the only way I could manage to act was stand-offish. He came to put his arms around me which surprised me so I pushed him off. At that moment I think I offended him so he completely stopped trying with me and went off to pursue Belita. Belita was very well into Chuol herself so I could tell she was glad things had not worked out between him and I. The two of them took a bottle off Hennessy and went off talking arm in arm. 

I deeply regretted how my social awkwardness made me lose out on the boy I wanted but there was still Bong. And a worthwhile contender Bong was. He had a bottle of Hennessy in his hands so I asked to take a few shots. Julia drank a little from it too and the 3 of us went on a stroll down the bridge. It was pretty obvious that Bong was more into me than Julia from the beginning so as our buzzes kicked in the two of us kinda gravitated towards each other.

As I felt myself go under the influence so did inhibitions shyness disappear with my new-found state of mind. I one to grab Bong by the waist to claim him as mine in case Julia had an ideas. Bong was pleasantly surprised to see me be so aggressive and forthcoming, he rewarded me with a kiss. My very first one diary. It was the most beautiful and wonderful thing I had ever experienced up to that point. His lips were soft, wet,and succulent. My attaction to him went from like a 4 to a 10 in that moment and I felt like I was in love. I know it sounds silly but the feeling was so intense there is no other way to describe it. He held me in his arms and we kept kissing on and off as we walked the bridge.

Eventually we found a large rock by the base of the bridge, large enough to fit the 3 of us and we went to settle by it. Bong sat down first and I there myself on his laps and pulled his face towards me to kiss it some more and we did so for about 10 minutes before pulled back and whispered in my ear “Get up I want to show you something”. I got up and before I knew it he had unzipped his pants and pulled out his dick! I had never actually seen one in person before and was fascinated by the whole look of it. I kneeled down to examine it and spent a good five minutes studiying it before I heard a laugh from the other side of the rock. It was Julia. I had been so entangled in Bong and his penis that I completely forgot she was even there. “That is not what he wants you to do with it” she told me in a cackle. 

I then looked at Bong and said, “Well I’m not sure what you’re expecting but I am a virgin and I don’t plan on changing that.” Bong gave me an understanding grin and asked me to lay down. He pulled my stress up over my hips and my panties to the side, exposing my vagina. His hands started for the opening of my vagina right before I grabbed him and asked “What are you doing?”. He told me to relax and assured me he just wanted to play with me. With my permission he put a finger inside me and started rocking it back and forth. I had never had any foreign parts inside of me that was and was not prepared for the intensity of it. It felt fucking amazing. The feeling was so powerful that I couldn’t help but let out some big breaths that quickly turned to moans.

When I used to watch porn I thought that the whole moaning thing was a gimmick for women to make themselves appear sexier. I never imagined that it was an involuntary action caused by such intense pleasure. 

Bong whispered to me “you’re so wet”, which only made me even more so, before sticking another finger in me. His thrust turned faster and more intense which in turn made my screams of pleasure even louder. I was so enthralled by the magic of what was taking place between Bong and I that I had no care whatsoever that Julia was sitting right next to us, observing every second of my first sexual awakening.

However, the night was ended abruptly by ms. party pooper Belita. She came running towards us screaming that we had to leave. Julia and I tried to ask what was wrong but were only met with aggression. When we got in Chuol’s car to head back home she was kicking the back of Chuol’s seat and screaming expletives at him. I wondered what may have transpired between the two of them to cause her to be so angry with him.  

This morning Belita is still very upset. After Julia and I asked her about a thousand times what happened she finally admitted that she lost her virginity. I not sure why that would be something to be so angry about unless maybe Chuol attempted to rape her or something, I’m not sure. I called him and asked earlier but he says it was consensual and he is not sure what happened to set her off either. I wish I could care more, I really do, but after she left me high and dry that first night with DJ Wol, it’s really difficult to do so. 

Besides, the only thing I can think about this morning is Bong and what he did to me last night. My pussy is still throbbing in remnant of his wonderfully skilled hands. I went to sleep with the same clothes I had on last night and when I went to shower this morning I discovered blood on my panties. I guess this means my hymen may have been broken because its certainly not my period which I am not expecting anytime soon.

I really wish Belita can get over her whole Chuol situation already because without him I have no access to Bong. Chuol is the one who drives between the two of them so if he can’t bring Bong here, I won’t see him the rest of the summer.

Dear Diary 6/26/12 6:04pm

I have been busy all day trying to manipulate things between Chuol and Belita so that I will be able to see Bong again. So far I have been successful. I could tell that Belita still liked Chuol regardless of what may have occurred between them and that all she most likely wanted was an apology so I called Chuol earlier and was acting as the middle man between the two of them. Chuol apologized numerous times through me to Belita and by like the fifth time she gave in and agreed to speak with him. The two of them have been on the phone together since and that was like two hours ago. So it looks like I will most likely be seeing Bong again. 

I have not been able to stop thinking about that boy which is really funny considering how little I cared for him just yesterday. I am not sure if it was the alcohol or the sexuality between us that changed my mind so quickly but you can good and well say that I have caught feelings for him regardless of my level of attraction to him.

All this chaos in addition to Julia being here has actually aided in mending things between belita and I. We can actually genuinely smile and laugh with each other now instead of all the faking we had to do since the iPod incidence. I’m growing to like her again and I hope we can head down the same path of closeness we were on my first few days here. 

Dear Diary 6/26/12 7:13

Belita just got off the phone with Chuol and after expressing how much she was into him, I shared with her how happy I was that the two of us had found our summer flings in Bong and Chuol. Then she hit me with some crushing news, she said that Bong was actually Nyajal’s boyfriend. Nyajal the girl they had come to see us with the other day. I did not observe them behaving like they were a couple, in fact, Bong was outside flirting with me while his so called girlfriend was getting high in the car. I am so annoyed and frustrated by these revelations. How come I have to be the one to get the short end of the stick with a taken man? I asked Bong last night if he was in a relationship before he kissed me and he told me no so I am not sure if he was lying about that. I am upset that my little summer romance has been cut short so fast but maybe it is for best. I will confront Bong about this next time I see him just to be sure.

Dear Diary 6/27/12

I start work in a few days. Nervous and excited at the same time. This will be my first real job so I am not sure what to make of it. 

My diet has been going well, I have gained a lot of self control within it and managed to stick to my one meal a day plan. My face shows that I am losing weight, it is becoming more chiseled with every pound lost. I am nervous about being able to stick to my diet since I will be surrounded by food at my new job Wendy’s.

6/28/12

Chuol came by and took us out last night. Sadly he didn’t bring Bong although I asked him to numerous times. I don’t have Bong’s number and I am not sure he even has a cell phone so I have no way to contact him. I know Bong is supposedly taken but that doesn’t stop me from watching badly to see him even if its just to yell at him for lying about having a girl. 

I was pretty much playing third wheel with the two renowned love birds last night and it was the most god awful position I have been in in my life. To watch two people who like each other do what I want and wish I could be doing with the boy that I myself am so infatuated with. Julia had gone to her Aunt’s earlier so even she wasn’t there to keep me company but now I understand how Bong and I might have made her feel the other night when he was fingering me and she was left to watch.

I woke up this morning with a strange feeling of complete misery about not being able to connect with Bong. I don’t know why I feel so strongly about him when we really only spent one night together. Feeling are a very weird thing diary, and although I have tried time and again to brush them off, they will not go away! In fact they seem to go stronger with each second that passes without me seeing or talking to Bong. It’s not so much that I care to be his girlfriend or anything, it’s more so just a need to have someone to kiss, touch, and explore bodies with.

I’ve had this incessant thought in the back of my head ever since Belita told me about losing her virginity to Chuol that I would like to lose mine to Bong too. I know that is silly because he has a girlfriend but in case that doesn’t turn out to be true imagine how perfect it would be if I lost it to him. I could fuck him and never have to see him again after the summer. He lives halfway across the world from me which is perfect because he would only need to serve the purpose of introducing me to my sexuality and readying me for future interactions with my real future boyfriend. 

I would rather lose my virginity to a guy I will never see again than to the one I will get into a relationship with because then I can avoid the awkwardness of first time sex with the person I want to be with.

6/29/12

Belita, Julia, and I went to a little house party last night. It was my first house party and I was surprised by how boring and uneventful it was. The only interesting thing that occurred at the party was Julia’s promiscuity. I guess her punani has been going wild watching the rest of us getting action and she decided the party was the best place to get the cat out of the bag. The boys there were not even slightly attractive, per usual, but she didn’t seem to care. She was all over whoever would allow her to be. Usually I don’t care about how slutty other people get when they are drunk because as we both know I get very slutty myself, but I just thought it was wierd that someone with her HIV status could move so carelessly. Now I am even more frightened about my future sexual encounters because if Julia is not careful with her infection I can only imagine how many other infected people are just as careless.

In other news, my mother called me this morning and told me that the police stopped by our apartment looking for me with a warrant for arrest. Apparently if you don’t show up to court they send those out. I came to Nebraska shortly after my whole shoplifting order so I never went to court, I guess that’s what they want to arrest me for. Had I heard this news about two weeks ago I would have been terrified, horrified, and embarrassed. But my carefree attitude from drinking has begun to rub-off on my sober self. I don’t care as much anymore and it feels incredible. I also start my first day of work tomorrow so the excitement of that could be the other thing making it difficult to care about anything else.

7/3/12

Sorry I haven’t written in a while but things have been pretty boring lately. I have been working which was manageable at first but has become increasingly trying to my diet. I do my best to keep away from snacking on the food but it is so difficult to resist snacking on it when surrounded by it! The other thing that has been making work a little difficult is that my body has been behaving abnormally. I have been experiencing random mini-seizures. Sometimes when I am standing my vision will go dark than my legs start to shake until I buckle at my feet. I am not 100% what the cause of this may be but I suspect it’s happening because of my very restrictive diet. I wish I could say that I am going back to 3 meals right away but honestly I have come too far to quit and I am so in love with what I have been seeing I the mirror that I just don’t watch to give it up so easily.

At home things have been so well that it’s boring. Belita and Chuol are nor boyfriend and girlfriend and they hang out a sickeningly significant amount. I wouldn’t be so annoyed about them being together so often if I got to be with Bong the same amount but I haven’t seen him since that first night. I keep asking Chuol to bring him when he comes but he never does. Due to not seeing him my infatuation with Bong is now slowly beginning to depart and surprisingly moving to Chuol. I know this is really strange probably very wrong considering Belita is I’ve been growing to consider as my best friend but I honestly just can’t help it. He is the only halfway attractive guy within a 10 mile radius of where we are located. Watching him be with Belita makes me want him all the more. I can’t help but dream of him doing to me what he does to her. Whenever Belita leaves a room or turns away he flirts and makes advances towards me which makes my attraction to him even worse.  I feel so bad for watching her man but without one of my own to tame my desires I can’t help it.

7/7/12 

Chuol called and said he is coming to pick us up and this time he is finally bringing Bong! It’s Julia’s lat night here so he is bringing a boy for her as well. Oh I’m so excited, finally I get to play with Bong! The whole notion of him having a girlfriend has become such a small obstacle  because my horniness has taken over and all concern about Bong’s personal life has gone out the window. Whether it is true or not I still want to get down and dirty with him. The only problem is that I can’t. It must be divine intervention or something because the first time in forever I get to hang out with Bong is the day I have my period. So my whole idea of losing my virginity to him is caput.

7/8/12 10:32am

My time with Bong last night was just as magical as the last. Even though my period got in the way of him touching me where I wanted I still enjoyed kissing and playing with him.

The three of us went to hang out at a park. We were all so excited to send the time with the persona we were partnered with that as soon as we got out of the car we all grabbed our person and scurried off to out corn part of the park. Bong and I settled at a picnic table. The first question I asked him was about Nyajal. I told him that Belita had informed me that the two of them were boyfriend and girlfriend. He denied the rumor and assured me he was single and that him and Nyajal were only just “talking”. I guess the same kind of talking he was doing with me lol. 

Anyway that was enough to ease my mind. I have no care to be with him past our sexual escapades so it did not matter to me who else he is fucking. He went to tug on my pants expecting a repeat of the last time were were together but I let him down with the news of my period. His face showed slight disappointment so I decided to cheer him up by letting him know that I would be happy to play with him anyway. He smiled right away and whipped his dick out. I gave him a very novice hand job which he acted like he enjoyed. We spent a little more time together talking and kissing before going back to going the rest of the group. 

When we got back home I felt a confusing mix of joy and disappointment that I didn’t lose my virginity. Although part of me wanted to do it badly, another part knew that I wasn’t ready to do so. This morning I woke up with clarity that this is not something I need to rush into so soon.

7/14/12

Things have becoming so boring! I have not seen Bong since that night and I am beginning to suspect that he is avoiding me. Either that or Chuol is not inviting him to come when he comes. Earlier today Belita had stepped outside of the room and I tried asking Chuol why Bong never comes with him anymore and he immediately changed the subject to hit on me. Every time I ask Chuol about Bong he has a disappointed look on his face and I’m not sure if I am imagining this but a part of me tells me that Chuol may be sabotaging me being with Bong because of his own attraction to me. Just a theory. Either way if Bong really is avoiding me it would be really shocking a such a bruise to my ego because I bet you anything I am the prettiest girl he has been with. Nyajal is a great girl but honestly she doesn’t even compare. So if he is dodging me to go fuck her it must be because she gives him pussy because I otherwise don’t understand why he would choose her over me if that is what he is doing.

Thanks to my diet I am getting better looking with each passing day. They only negative thing is my seizures and vitiligo are getting worse. I was at work the other day when I had another black out episode while preparing burgers. My head started to feel faint and my eyes started to go dark. Luckily it never fully came on but imagine if I fainted in a kitchen with stoves and fryers on every corner. I think this diet is getting kind of dangerous but I just have to hold on just one more month and return to normal when I am back home.

7/17/18

Bong finally came and I am disappointed to report that things between us did not go as well as I wished. I hadn’t seen him in so long that it seemed like I had completely forgot how to act with him. The chemistry was just not as strong anymore. On top of that there was no alcohol to make things better. The only vise the boys provided us with was weed. I had only smoked weed a few times before and the last time I smoked it it stripped me of all my social skill and gave me anxiety. I must have forgotten about that because I smoked it anyway only to experience those same awful symptoms. I became so socially inept that I could barely start or hold a conversation with Bong. In fact I was behaving so painfully awkwardly that I am having a hard time keeping myself from cringing while relaying this story. 

Anyway I ended the night by sucking his dick with a condom. Another first for me, yay. I’m being sarcastic if you can’t tell. I wanted to keep him from touching me or doing anything that would lead to the loss of my virginity so I came up with the idea to suck him off as a divergent to doing anything else with him. Isn’t that lovely. The whole act of if was terrible, and I can’t imagine it was good for him in the least bit. I have watched too much porn not to know what to do with a dick but I found that the act was tougher to navigate when face to face with it. The main issue was I didn’t know what to do with my lips or my teeth so it was really awkward trying to figure that out.

I could tell by the end of the night that he had lost interest in me. I had lost interest myself at the beginning but him losing interest at the end turned on some wierd switch inside of me that causes obsession over rejection. Just because he doesn’t like me so much anymore, I actually like him more now than I ever had before! How sick is that? It’s like I know that our time has burned out and its due time for me to get over him but some subconscious need inside of myself to be wanted has made it impossible to stop thinking about him all day. 

On the other hand Belita and Chuol have been fucking like rabbits and she told me earlier her period hasn’t come yet so she’s scared he got her pregnant. I honestly am still trying to understand why she wasn’t using protection in the first place. As if going to the HIV event with Julia wasn’t enough to scare her, shouldn’t the idea of having a baby at 16 done so? Anyway the two of us are going to planned parenthood tomorrow so she can get a pregnancy test. I think this would be a good opportunity for me to got and get tested as well. I know Bong and I played pretty safely but that doesn’t stop me from being haunted with paranoia about whether or not he may have given me something. I keep thinking about the first night he fingered me, he had been touching his dick before he did so so a part of me is worried I could have caught something that way. Anyway I guess we will find out tomorrow, if they allow us to get tests without our parents that is.

7/20/12

Belita and I ended up walking an hour to planned parenthood the other day only to find out we needed parent permission to get tested. It’s alright for her anyway because her period ended up coming a day later. 

Belita showed me a photo the other day of Bong and Nyajal on Facebook posing like a couple. I felt sick to my stomach upon realization that Bong actually is in a relationship with Nyajal and may have just been lying to get into my pants. But even with that revelation I can not stop thinking about him. The thoughts are involuntary, on the surface I really don’t care to be with him or spend anymore time with him but it’s like my subconscious is torturing me by keeping memories of the two of us together alive inside of my brain.

Truth be told though, I am actually happy with how things played out. I would rather be the one who ended up with a dead beat and is now suffering singleness than be going through what Belita is going through with not knowing if she’s gonna be pregnant or not or what kind of diseases she may catch from rushing into things with this boy she barely knew.

Now that Bong is completely out of the picture, my interest has shifted full on to Chuol. I really can’t help it. I just want him so bad, and I know he wants me, he is always looking at me with lust in his eyes and sneaking any moment he can to say nasty things to me. I don’t think I would be quite so into him if Belita wasn’t always talking about how good he is in bed or how big his dick is and so on and so forth. If she kept their private affairs to herself she wouldn’t lead me to fantasize about her man in this way.

Belita and I have grown very close in the last couple weeks, she almost feels like a sister to me now. I guess that is something that is bound to happen when you spend 24/7 with one person. I’ve almost completely forgotten about the iPod thing but not completely so. I am using her attempt to steal from me as an excuse to fantasize about her boyfriend. I would never actually pursue him, its just fun to think about doing so.

Dear Diary, 7/22/12

There is a party tomorrow night that Belita and I are sneaking off to. I’m excited because this will be my first real party without counting that shit show of a house party we went to a few weeks ago. My mom never lets me out of the house when it is dark so I’ve never had any opportunity to attend any parties till now. I’m also excited because apparently Bong is gonna be there. My excitement is not for wanting to see him or be with him. I’m past that. My excitement is for him to see me and realize what he has missed out on. I am very upset with him and his lies about the whole Nyajal thing so interaction between us is totally out of the window. I’ve lost a couple more pounds since we were last together and I plan on overdoing it with the makeup and dress up to really set him off. Apparently Nyajal will be there too so it is gonna be really interesting to see how that dynamic plays out. Like I said before, Nyajal is a wonderful girl but she does not hold a stick to me. With her and I in the same room I am gonna be the one  to stand out the most for sure.

Dear Diary, 7/26/12

OHHH MY GOODNESS! You will not believe what went down since I last wrote! Belita and I went to that party and it was dissapointingly underwhelming. I saw Bong there and we didn’t speak a word to one another. I thought he might not be able to resist me considering how much work I put into my looks but I guess my awkwardness in the car completely turned him off to me. Which in turn just makes me all the more crazier for him. How fucked up is that? Why does my mind have to work this way? Ughh why can’t I just let him go? I was never so attracted to him in the first place, why do I now find myself head over heels for him? None of this makes any sense, my feelings for him feel so involuntary, I have not been able to stop thinking about him.

Anyway as f-ed up as that is, its still not the story! The real story took place AFTER the party. Belita and I hitched a ride home around 3 in the morning and were going through our usual routine of sneaking back into the apartment. She went to carefully open the door as she usually does, and usually the door opens right up because we always leave it unlocked when we sneak but this time the door was LOCKED! My stomach dropped immediately upon the realization that if the door was locked it meant aunt Maude must have been up and therefore discovered that we had snuck out.

Belita and I decided to sit outside for a while as we attempted to come up with a story as to why we had left home. We considered several scenarios before settling on just admitting that we had snuck away for a party. It was the only story that would make sense anyway considering how we were dressed.

We finally braced ourselves for what was about to come and got ourselves up to go into the apartment with Belita’s key. We got the door unlocked but when we attempted to push it in something was blocking it. We joined forced to try to push the door in until we realized that it wasn’t something blocking the door, it was someone. Aunt Maude had been standing guard by the door to ensure we wouldn’t be let in. I guess she wanted us to stay outside and suffer our decisions. 

Well we suffered alright, the mental agony of what would happen to us once we got in was more terrifying than anything that actually would happen when we got inside. She eventually let us in but not pleasantly. We were welcomed home with a slur of hate speech and ridicule about our decision. Then she went and got a belt to beat the both of us which was pretty nervy considering I’m not even her child. The beating with the belt wasn’t the worst part though, it was her taking our phones and technology away that really threw me over the edge. 

It is for the reason of my phone being confiscated that I have not been able to update you diary. I thought about writing down my thoughts in an old fashioned paper diary but I realized it wouldn’t do much to keep my entries consistent and anyway those things are easily trespassed.

She told my mom what happened and usually I would be freaking out about any trouble with my mom and I’m not sure if it is the alcohol or the fact that she cared so little for me to send me to live with strangers for the summer but lately I’ve just lost respect for her. In fact I was quite glad to have her find out that we are behaving like scoundrels up here because if she thought I was a bad kid before , she has no idea what she has turned me into by putting me in company with the likes of Belita.

Before I came up here the only bad thing I ever did was steal. And I don’t mean to make it sound like its not a big deal but compared to other children my age I was pretty much an angel. I had never kissed a boy or even considered becoming sexual with one so soon. I snuck a few drinks of wine and liquor every once in a while but I was never the rogue slutty alcoholic that I have apparently turned into now. 

Honestly I feel like I have been awakened and now that I have discovered this other side of life there is no way I am going back. So if she thought she was going to send me here and I was going to come back an angel she better think again because what she did was send an angel up here and now what she will have coming back is the devil. Lol. 

Anyway my mom wasn’t so angry about the whole sneak out situation. I think the moment aunt Maude told her about it she realized she had fucked up with sending me up here and how much better off I might have been just staying home. She has been nicer to me since then than she ever has my entire life. She even promised to take me out when I come back home which I take as her trying to preserve what little she thinks I might have of the old me still in me but its all gone. It’s not coming back either. The feeling of being under the influence and/or intimate with a man is not one that I am willing to let go of so easily. In fact I plan exploring it all some more once I get home where there are a larger number of boys I consider to be worthwhile contenders. I’m already trying to figure out ways for me to continue this lifestyle once I get back home. I have been making plans about how I will sneak out, who I will find to buy me liquor, etc.

So to finish the story, Aunt Maude ended up getting over it with us today and gave us our phones back. Initially she was just going to give mine back so I could communicate with my mom but she figured its only fair to give Belita hers back to. 

So you’re probably wondering, have we learned our lesson? Absolutely not. Will we sneak out again? Can’t stop won’t stop.

7/29/12

Working at a fast food place has been such a challenge for my diet! I was doing sooo well but I ended up getting tempted and binging on 3 burgers in a row. I felt so guilty afterwards that I went to the and forced myself to throw them up. I feel like I didn’t get it all out so I’ve been feeling guilty about it ever since. I think that maybe it is time to stop my diet, it was easy at first because of the hangovers but now it just feels like torture. I am hungry all the time.

On the other hand without Bong around my love life has been frustratingly stale. What makes it worse is watching Belita be so in love with Chuol and wishing it was me instead of her. I can’t help but regret with each day that night I pushed him away at the bridge. Had I hooked up with Chuol instead of her he would be mine right now. Every time I see him my heart flatters and I feel so bad because he is not even mine.

We got bad news the other day, Chuol is going 3 hours away to an all boys college in a just a few days. The two of them have been inseparably on the phone the last month or so anyway so it shouldn’t be difficult for them to keep their relationship flourishing. Belita has been pretty depressive about the news since finding out because the two of them have grown really close since meeting. I’ve tried to be a good friend and be by her side through her pain but the truth is I am feeling it too. How weird is this? My best friend’s boyfriend is moving away for school and I’m depressed? I don’t know what to say, I think I was living vicariously through Belita and kinda sorta might have fallen for him too and am now in sorrow over not being able to see him anymore. 

I know its all strange and I don’t know whether to blame it on hormones, loneliness, or brain function but I just can’t stand to think about not being able to see him for the rest of the summer.

Dear Diary, 8-1-12

Chuol is leaving tomorrow but he hasn’t come to see us the last several days because his car is in the shop. I’ve been acting as though I care about Belita so much that I want her to see her man off but you and I both know the truth and the truth is that I need to see him too. Belita hasn’t been able to find any friends of hers who are able to take us to Chuol’s tonight nor does Chuol have any of his own that can pick us up and drop us off to him. There is a party tonight in Chuol’s neighborhood so it will be easy to find a ride back but the ride to we have to figure out ourselves.

I am not only desperate to see Chuol before he leaves but I am also anxious to get out of the house for one last hoo-rah. Belita and I have been laying low since getting caught last time so we haven’t really indulged in any nighttime activities since then. This party will be an opportunity to enjoy ourselves, if only for the last time before this summer is completely over. So I devised a plan. Belita is the one who usually plans these things out but I have met a few people of my own since moving to Omaha. 

There is a guy at work named Marcus who has a thing for me. He is over 21 which makes it really creepy that he even lives me considering I am about 5 years his junior. He is always asking me to hang out after work and usually I turn him down but I saw today as the perfect opportunity to oblige him. 

The plan is that we are gonna say we want to hang out at our uncle’s house who is out of town, Marcus will drive us down there, but when we get there we will come out and say our uncle is home so he can not come in. Our supposed uncle’s house will actually be Chuol’s house so the plan is simply that we get Marcus to drop us off then ditch him after.

Belita is going along with it because she is excited to see Chuol before he goes. I am kind of nervous about whether it will work or not but I am going to keep my fingers crossed and update you tomorrow!

Dear diary, 8/2/12 5:16pm

Last night was both a hit and a miss! The plan with Marcus worked out without a hitch. What I didn’t expect was to feel so bad after conning him the way we did. The look on his face after he realized we had scammed him was one I will never forget. 

I forgot about the scam pretty quickly though when Chuol opened his door to let us in without a shirt on. Belita threw herself into his arms immediately and it took everything I had in me not to do the same. I had never lusted for him more than at that very moment when I realized it may have been the last time I would ever see him. The two of them excused themselves to Chuol’s room -for one last fuck I presumed- and I was left in the adjoining room regretting every second I put into devising the plans to get them together. I hadn’t realized how struck with longing and jealousy I would be to see the two of them together.

Their visit with one another was pretty short lived, about 45 minutes if put a guess to it. Belita came out of his room crying, I guess the realization of his early depart had struck a nerve with her. Chuol said he had to sleep early to get to his school on time the next day so Belita and I gathered our things then she called for a friend of hers at the nearby party to come pick us up.

When we arrived at the party moods had shifted, I had gotten over my sadness from my fantasy guy’s departure pretty quickly and apparently so had Belita. Or at least the thought of drinking and partying for the rest of the night made it easier to cope with.

When we got out of the car Belita and I went separate ways. She gravitated towards her school friends and I ran towards a group of boys whose member had a bottle of hennesy in his hands. I had met some of them at a previous party and did not need Belita to introduce us. I did not have the care to socialize that Belita did, my aim was to get myself under the influence as quickly and efficiently as possible. Besides, the best way to socialize is after a drink or two.

After I felt a good buzz kicking in I was ready to show myself around the party. I started off making conversation with the group of boys I had joined myself into but quickly became bored as none were interesting or attractive to me. I looked around and realized there weren’t any male contenders at the party… at least none that peaked my interest. So I decided to shift my interest to the females.

I’m not a lesbian or anything but theres something about being under the influence of alcohol that makes me want to fuck anything, regardless of what is in-between its legs. Anyway after jumping from circle to circle in search of my night’s fling I eventually found a breathtakingly gorgeous girl sitting atop a car talking to another girl. I instantly gravitated towards her. After introducing myself she told me her name was Rhoda (if I remember correctly) and she had the most stunning light brown eyes I had ever seen with a cute pecker of a noise and a pair of perfectly shaped and sized lips to match. 

She had such striking and unique features that I couldn’t help but want to press my lips all over her face, and body if she let me. I decided to flirt with her to see if she was down for the get down but she rejected my advances every step of the way. I think had we been alone she would have succumbed to my alcohol fueled charms but she seemed to be behaving shyly because of her friends being around. 

I eventually gave up on not only Rhoda but the whole notion of me getting laid that night and decided to retreat to a sidewalk where Belita was sitting with a few friends. As I sat down I noticed that njayal was one of the girls surrounding Belita and thought to myself that I ought to address the whole situation with Bong and let her know, woman-to-woman that he was the one that came on to me and lied about ever having been in a relationship and that I didn’t find out about their union until after I had been intimate with him.

I interrupted the group conversation by asking that Nyajal come with me to the side for some girl talk. She happily agreed to do so, in fact she had a smile on her face as we walked off together which surprised me because it was not the kind of reaction I expected to receive as her boyfriend’s mistress. The two of us headed to sit by a secluded side walk where our conversation wouldn’t be bothered by any wondering drunk attendees of the party.

As we sat down I looked her in the eye and started off pleadingly with “Belita told me about you and Bong and I am so sorry, but I just wanted to let you know that I hooked up with him a few times. I asked him at the time if he was single and he lied to me. I would have never done anything had I know the two of you were together.” She cut me off from going any further by inserting “Wait wait wait, Bong and I aren’t together!”.  The revelation sent me into a whirlwind of confusion “But, Belita showed me a photos of you and him on Facebook and you looked like a couple to me.” I argued. “No Bong and I just fuck around”, she explained, “He even told me about you and him.”

So as it turned out Bong had been telling the truth the entire time about him and Nyajal just being fuck buddies. The one who had been lying, for a reason I still don’t understand, is Belita. I guess she felt so much animosity towards me for one reason or another that she felt the need to sabotage my thing with Bong. Well whatever she was aiming to do was counterproductive because the only thing she succeeded in doing was to cause me to channel my sexual frustrations into fantasies about being with her boyfriend.

Nyajal and I ended up buddying up for the rest of the night and I found myself enjoying her company more than I thought I would. The more I hung around her the more I realized why Bong may have been so attracted to her. It wasn’t about her looks or lack thereof, it was her positive spirit and engaging personality that drew you in. 

I was enjoying my new friend so much that when it came time for our ride to take us back home I didn’t want to leave yet so I begged and pleaded with Belita for us to stay for just another hour. Before we knew it though, a few more than 1 hour had passed by and the sun was beginning to come up. Belita and I realized we were fucked and needed to rush home and be in our beds before her mother woke up. 

We were in a rush against time so we pleaded with the guy who drove us to the party to take us home immediately. The guy understood the direness of the situation so he agreed to brace through traffic to get us home as soon as possible. When we got home we realized we had been too late after seeing our bedroom door open upon reentrance to the apartment. Aunt Maude had already left for work but had checked out bedroom for us to find us gone before she did so. She never called or sent either one of us any calls or texts so Belita and I were scared shitless by the deadly silence and what may have been brewing behind it.

I took to laying in my bed as a means of coping with the situation and Belita chose to scream at and blame me as her own way of dealing with it. According to her it was my fault we got caught because I too busy being a lesbian and flirting with girls rather than listening to her when she said we had to leave. I’m sure that whole lesbian accusation was meant to be a blow but I know I’m not one so it doesn’t bother me. I’m just a horny girl and thats all there is to that. Besides, I wouldn’t see anything wrong with it if I was. I was just shocked at her lack of ability to take responsibility for her part within the situation. I ignored her and closed my eyes in hope of getting some sleep before I had to face the Wrath of aunt Maude when she got back from work.

Anyway that was earlier. I am awake now and surprisingly not as terrified about what will take place when aunt Maude isn’t back. Belita isn’t afraid either, in fact the both of us seem to have slept off our cares because right now we are just laughing at our own doom. Honestly I just can’t wait for it to happen and be over with already so I am no longer plagued with this anxiousness of waiting and not knowing what will happen.

8/3/12 3:32

Things have gotten serious! Aunt Maude was so enraged about us sneaking out again last night she not only beat us but she made us take her to where we had been the previous night. Obviously Belita and I couldn’t bring her to where the house party was actually held so we just lied and said we had been studying with a school friend of hers then took her to some random apartment downtown. She wanted to speak to the parents of said friend so she went to knock on the door to no avail. Belita and I were afraid of what might happen if someone actually opened it but no one ever did, thank goodness.

After facing her defeat Aunt Maude decided to bring us back home. When we got there she announced that Belita and I needed to be separated and that she had talked with my mom earlier and the two of them arranged a next day flight for me to go back home. I thought this was a little pointless considering my actual roundtrip ticket back home was set for a few days from now anyway but I didn’t argue, I just packed my bags in preparation for my return to florida. 

I surprised myself with how sorrowful I felt about being separated from Belita sooner than planned. True she can be a little difficult to get along with at times, and she is hardly someone I can trust more than I can throw  but regardless of the negatives we did have a lot of fun time together this summer and she is someone I was beginning to regard as a sister. I’m sad that I have to go but as they say, tis better to have loved and lost than never to have felt love at all.

Dear Diary 8/3/12 4:17

This morning I had come to terms with my early departure, I had packed my bags, said my goodbyes, and even called to quit my job. Then my mom called me a few minutes ago and told me that she and aunt Maude decided that I may as well stay until the day I was originally supposed to leave anyway which is the 7th. I feel annoyed that they had me quit my job before finalizing their decisions because I could have made another $100 to put towards my wardrobe before leaving but in the same breath I’m kinda glad that I have a few more days to spend with Belita. With all the drama and news of separation we received since last night, I almost don’t even care about the news of her trying to sabotage me and Bong anymore. 

Now that I know the truth through, a part of me wants to see him again and let him go all the way with me before I leave. I’ve gotta find a way to contact him and have him hitch a ride to me so we can get this whole virginity thing gotten rid off. Will let you know if there is success.

Dear Diary, 8/4/12 

Belita and I vowed last night to spend our last few days in Omaha getting crunk, drunk, and absolutely wild. We can’t do much at night of course because we have taken sneaking out out of our agenda but we are certainly not going to let that stop us, we are going to be doing much of our partying during the way. By partying I mean we are mostly just going to be getting buzzed by the pool. But as long as alcohol is involved, it’s always a party for me.

I messaged Bong on Facebook last night to see if there was still any interest there. He gave me his number and asked me to call him. I called him when I was drunk at the pool earlier and told him I had missed him. He said that he has missed me too and was sad he didn’t get to see more of me this summer. That is when I realized that things were not as bad as I thought between the two of us. I think the reason why I had grown so insecure thinking he wanted nothing to do with me was because of Belita constantly telling me that he was using me and had a girlfriend in Nyajal, which turned out to be false. I feel... Bamboozled in a way. I wish I had more time to be with Bong but unfortunately I have to leave soon and I would really prefer to not take my virginity with me. I asked Bong to hang out with me before I left but he said he’s on house arrest for a reason he’s not disclosed. Apparently the only way I can see him is if I go to him which is going to be kind of tough now that I have burned bridges with Marcus and Belita has run out of friends we can ask for rides. We will see if I find my way to him before I have to leave, I am crossing my fingers that I will.

Dear Diary, 8/6/12

Looks like the summer turned out much better than I ever expected or anticipated. I was really nervous coming here but now I think it is one of the best things that ever happened to me. I have made a new best friend in Belita and I have explored parts of life and myself I only dreamt of. I put some pants earlier that had been tight on me when I first arrived but are now nearly sagging off my butt. In addition to the weight loss I picked up my check earlier and after cashing it I stopped by the Pawn Shop to buy my laptop. I found a lovely pink one on sale for $250, when the cashier went to ring it up for me he must have incorrectly calculated because instead of charging me $250 I ended up only paying $150. I rushed to get out of the store before he realized the mistake he made. So now I have an extra $100 in addition to the money I was saving for clothes. How amazing is that! What an end to a summer!

The only negative thing about this day is that it looks like I won’t be losing my virginity after all. My attempts to connect with Bong have been a failure. If I am being optimistic though, maybe it is for the best. I mean, maybe losing my virginity to someone I’ll never see again might not be such a good idea. 

Dear Diary, 8/7/12 10:22am

It’s my last day in Omaha! Very bittersweet. I’m sad to be leaving Belita and the nightlife she created for me but at the same time I am excited to go home and create my own. I am currently sitting at the airport by myself plotting and planning how I will continue this lifestyle by myself at home. It shouldn’t be so difficult though, a young woman who has what I have between my legs can never have trouble getting a man to do what she wants. So I don’t anticipate that it should be so difficult to find a guy to buy me liquor. As far as finding someone to play with or even take my virginity, I live right by a college campus back home with a wide variety of college age boys to choose from, so I don’t think I will have nay issues in that department either. I can’t wait.

The part I am slightly nervous about is facing my mother after all the nonsense I’ve been involved in this summer. We’ve been talking on the phone the last few days and she had been surprisingly pleasant to me so hopefully that continues. She even followed up on her promise to take me out once I got back by ordering the two of us some tickets to Busch gardens. I think she is being so kind because she feels guilty about sending me to Nebraska this summer and she thinks it is probably her fault that I turned into a maniac. I wouldn’t disagree with that because it is her fault. I was a very good child before she brought me here and now she just has to brace herself for the party hungry person I have become.

Dear Diary, 8/7/12 4:38pm

Well, I am back home now. Everything is pretty much the same here with exception to a few things, one being my mom’s attitude towards me; she is so much nicer towards me and not like the rude, condescending, and critical bitch she was to me before I left. I guess this whole sending me to Nebraska thing has taught her a good lesson. My brother is still slumping around the living room playing video games. My mother moved us out of our old 3 bedroom into this two bedroom apartment last year after he turned 18 in hopes that he would soon find a job and get his own place. No luck with that yet. He has a job but he doesn’t seem to have any motivation to leave which frustrates me when I think about how difficult it will be to sneak out of here at night with him being in the living room all the time. Either way I don’t understand why he would cares to spend another second here anyway. My mom can be so controlling and harsh sometimes that if it were me in his shoes I would have sooner succumbed to the streets than spend another second in her presence. 

I weighed myself earlier and am now at 110 pounds. When I left I was around 120 so looks like I’ve lost 10 pounds this summer. I suspect that I must have lost more than that but towards the end there I had given in to my temptations and was overindulging in my fast food employee freebees. 

I’m not complaining, I look good either way and I think this new weight fits me perfectly. I would rather be at 105 to be honest but 110 is still better than 120. 

Dear Diary,  8/10/12 

My last few days trying to set up my new lifestyle down here have been a complete flop! I never realized how difficult it would be to find a boy to pluck around with. The last few days I’ve gone to the college apartments next door and sat around the pool waiting for some college age hotties to flock to me but it’s not as easy as I imagined. It’s not that I am unattractive or anything because I can tell you right now I am very attractive. It is just that they are not out and about as much as I imagined they would be. The few that do hang around outside don’t seem to have the balls to approach me and neither do I have any balls to approach them so I am always just stuck in a standstill.

Even worse than not being able to find a boy toy for sexual exploration are my failed liquor aquisition attempts. I ran out of money from my Wendy’s checks after splurging on a new wardrobe and hairstyle so I had to ask my mother for money. My mother is not the type to just hand out money to my brother and I for no reason so I had to forge a lie that the use of it would be for new books for school. It wasn’t a complete lie however, I did plan on spending the money on school supplies, I just left out the part that I needed half of it for liquor. 

Anyway my mother gave me $20 which is barely enough for school supplies as it is but I figured if I buy a $10 liquor bottle then use the other $10 to buy cheap supplies at the dollar store it would be just enough to get me by.

So long story short, before I could go through with my purchase plan I needed to find a buyer first which is not a difficult thing to do in my low class neighborhood where there are tons of horny men walking about outside. I figured out a while ago that horny men are the perfect ally for young pretty women such as myself. The moment they look at you their dicks take over their better judgment and they are puppeted by thoughts of fucking you into doing whatever you want them to. All one has to know how to do is flirt a little and I am pretty good at that when I am not attracted to the man.

Anyway this was my mission’s plan, to find a horny old man and ask him to buy me liquor but my plan was soiled when I ran into a goofy college age guy. I should have known from the start he was not one to trust but my thirst for alcohol got the best of me. He came to join me when I making my way to the liquor store and introduced himself. I tried to indulge his small talk but in the end there was only one question on my mind “Are you 21 or up?” I asked him. “Yeah, why” he replied with suspicion in his voice. Right then I knew he knew what I wanted him to do for me. He got the words out before I did “You need someone to buy beers for you?” “No, liquor.” I corrected. Then I pointed at the liqour store ahead of us as I gave a description of the bottle I wanted, the price of it, and where he could find it. After he agreed I slapped my $20 bill in his had and told him I would be waiting for him out front. He ran towards the liquor store but when he got near it I could not tell if he had gone in or not. I figured I had better just wait it out but after sitting outside for nearly 30 minutes I finally accepted that I had been dumped in my own dupe. The guy had run off with my money. 

So I guess you could say things haven’t been panning out the way I wanted to expect but that will not stop me from trying. My mom is taking me to Busch Gardens tomorrow and I am counting that as a start for better times to come.

Dear diary, 8/12/12

I fear I may have hit a new low! After that whole thing with the guy stealing my liquor money the other day I got desperate because I really wanted to use it to get me where I need to be to make the most of these last few days before school. So I got desperate diary, and I am a little embarrassed to tell you this but I put up an ad on craigslist for a sugar daddy. I watched an episode on Tyra once where a woman gave details about her relationship with a sugar daddy. She said the way it worked is that in exchange for sexual favors the sugar daddy would give the girl a monthly allowance. I thought this would be perfect for me, if I found the right man  all I would do is either give him a handjob or blow and in return he would give me enough to buy my alcohol, school supplies, clothes, etc. It isn’t my search for a sugar daddy that I am so embarrassed about though diary, it’s what came after.

I got several replies to that ad but only one came through. I have a hard time telling you this because of how badly it makes me cringe to think about that encounter but I’m pushing through. I told the guy to meet me by my apartments so he came and picked me up earlier. I didn’t want to stay in the apartments in case my mother or brother walked by so I had him drive us to some nearby apartments. initially I had been to nervous to study his appearance but when we finally settled in a securely private spot I allowed myself to take him in. He was old, very old, I can’t say exactly how old because I am not around enough old people to know how old is how old but I’ll tell you this; he was dick-doesn’t-stand-up-anymore-old. 

After we made some small talk he took it upon himself to pull his pants down and show me his wiener. I’m not sure I can even call it a penis because the thing just looked like a blob of shriveled up skin with goo coming out of it. I tried as best as I could to keep my thoughts off my face but I could not help by curl my lips downward in a natural reaction of pure disgust. He saw how unconfortable I had become but he did not seem to give a single phuck. “Touch it” he urged. I was hesitant to do so because of the mucusy substance exiting his penis so I decided to ask him about it to get some clearance “What’s that?” I asked pointing at it. He laughed and said “It’s just precum sweetie, touch me.” At that point I was too far in to quit and my alcohol craving pretty much driving my actions at that point so I just forced my hand out to play with the mucusy blob of skin. 

That marked the most excruciatingly disgustingly spent 25 or so minutes of my life. I still can not get the texture, feeling, or site of those folds of skin excreting so much mucus out of my head. I looked up precum on google when I got home and I just don’t think what that guy had was a normal amount. 

Anyway so I guess that makes for my first time prostituting. Picture that, a virgin prostitute.

The sad thing is the amount of money I received for that act afterwards. I was expecting him to give me maybe fifty bucks or something like that but when he left he handed me a twenty dollar bill. In all fairness we had never discussed how much we was to pay me and also maybe I wasn’t the greatest provider with the way I was grimacing my face while touching him. Either way $20 is a lot to me and just enough for me so I am not sad about it one bit. To tell you the truth diary, I would endure all of that all over again because the feeling of being handed money after such an easy act made it more than worth it for me. 

Part of me feels ashamed. But another part is thinking of doing it again… Only with a different, maybe younger man this time.

Dear diary 8/13/12

Yesterday after I came to the discovery that I can make money for minor sex exchanges I couldn’t help but think what a man might pay for my virginity. So I went on Craigslist again this morning! I know this sounds silly and possibly dangerous but I read somewhere that some girl posted her virginity for sale online and made thousands of dollars from one buyer. I had an idea that maybe that it could work out the same way for me so I posted an ad to sell my virginity on Craigslist. 

Sad to results have been disappointing, most of the guys that texted me about the ad were broke creeps who were more interested in trolling me than actually paying for the punani. But I have not given up on that idea yet, we will see how it goes.

Dear Diary, 8/15/12

I had to turn myself into Juvenile Jail yesterday for the warrant they had out for my arrest after missing court for my theft. I was pretty terrified to spend the night there at first but after I arrived I quickly discovered that juvenile is not bad at all! In fact, I made a few friends and they served better food than what we get at school. The only bad I encountered there was when I had to go to court in the morning and the judge sentenced me to community service. As if school isn’t going to steal enough of my time, not I have to add cleaning parks on the weekends to my schedule.

Dear diary, 8/19/12

My mom is slowly but surely switching to bitch mode again. I knew the whole nice act would never last. She is a hairstylist and she usually does my hair every year before school starts. I’ve been asking her the last few days about when she plans on doing it but she kept putting it off. Yesterday she reached her breaking point about me asking then screamed at me to pretty much fuck off. I’m really disappointed and at a loss for what I will do before school starts in just two days.

Alcohol is the only thing helping me cope with the stresses of this. When I drink it its like my every care just melts away and all the stress goes with it. I was initially planning on stopping cold turkey after school starts but now I realize that I will not be able to do that. Its the one thing in my life that does not make me feel shitty so I am definitely going to need it along the way. I am not saying that I will be drinking everyday or anything but I think it’s important to have it around for every once in a while when things get especially stressful.

Dear diary, 8/20/12

My mission to find a boy to take my virginity has not been canceled, but I have decided to for-go the sell my virginity on Craigslist plan. I realized it was a bad idea because nearly all the replies I received were from creeps who were not actually serious about spending money on the pussy but rather seemed to be on a mission troll me. 

My mother finally agreed to do my hair and she did so earlier but she made such a mess of it that I am regretting ever having depended on her for anything. I had spent over $80 on extensions that I asked her to put in for me but she messed it up purposefully, I guess she was being spiteful and found that as the only way to shut me up. I ended up having to undo the mess she made by removing the extentions and now with $80 down the drain I am just trying to stay positive by embracing wearing my natural hair in its natural length. 

I really have to find a sugar daddy soon because asking her for anything makes me sick. My mother is part of a leave of mothers who do not take personal responsibility for the children they brought into the world and therefore do not find it their job to properly clothe, feed, or take care of said children. The reason I had been a kleptomaniac in the first place was because of her neglect in these areas. I mean don’t get me wrong she buys us food and we have never gone hungry but sometimes she goes off and buys herself plates of Chinese or some other fancy cultural food and never bothers to buy us some or even share her plate. In fact she actually gets angry if we ever go and try to sneak some of her takeout food.

One time I got myself in big trouble with her by eating half of her Chinese dinner. Its not something I purposefully did to piss her off, but we hadn’t gone grocery shopping in a while and there just wasn’t much to eat in the house but oatmeal which I had had enough of after having it for breakfast lunch and dinner 2 days in a roll. When she went into the fridge and discovered that half her meal was gone she became so angry that she grabbed a pot and beat me across the head with it until it became bent. Imagine that, how hard the hit had to be for my skull to break metal.

I became really depressed that day and started to experience suicidal thoughts after realizing the hopelessness of the life I am imprisoned in until I turn 18. The only way I was able to console myself was with fantasies of how much better my life will be once I am 18 and can leave this hell. To this day that is still my best coping mechanism… Well that and now alcohol too.

Dear Diary, 8/21/12 8:09pm

The first day of school today was more than disappointing. I had this big plan that I would befriend only the popular kids in my class but my plan was soiled by the fact that there are absolutely no popular kids in my classes. I also thought I might at least get to eat lunch with my best friend Elise but woe is me, she is in a different lunch period than I am. So far I have only made two friends from my science class but they are both sophomores so there isn’t any hope with that. I am not sure how my climb the social ladder plan will survive with absolutely no connection to grab on to but I guess I’ll just have to put forth whatever effort is necessary.

On a good note, I ran into my crush Cj Mcdill between classes and he continued with that lustful stare he was giving me before the break. I guess things have not budged between us. Hopefully sooner than later he will come introduce himself to me so we can just be together already!

Dear diary 8/22/12

School has been an absolute torture of a bore! The only drama in my life, is coming for 3000 miles away caused by Ms. Belita herself.  Apparently Chuol told her that I attempted to get with him. What that means, I have no clue. Diary, you and I both know I had a sexual desire for that boy but I never have nor would I ever try to pursue him outside of my fantasies while he is dating my best friend. In fact, Chuol is the one who was making outward attempts to get with me. Every time Belita would walk out of the room he would whisper nasty things to me like “Did Belita tell you how big my dick is?”. Maybe I didn’t play the proper role of a best friend and shun his behavior but I never encouraged it nor participated in it. 

 My guess is that Chuol may have gotten in trouble for liking or mentioning me to Belita and his best move was to shift the blame to me.

I guess the only fault I had in all of this was privately fantasizing about her boyfriend but what was the harm in that if I never planned to pursue it? Besides I never made it my duty to be the perfect friend to Belita anyway because she had it clear she hadn’t made it hers when she attempted to steal my iPod.

Anyway no matter how many times I have denied it and tried to get her to understand that she has been lied to Belita still believes whatever she was told. She doesn’t want to speak with me anymore. I wish I could say I cared more but honestly I just don’t. Being back home with my Norman friends made me realize how terrible a friend she was and how much I let her get away with because we were pretty much stuck together. 

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #218

“give me liberty or death. ... ah, fuck it, just give me death.”

Do you know anyone who had to have tubes put in their ears as a baby? Me. What is the nearest glass object to you? A cup. Were either of your parents baptized? I'm sure my mom was, but I have no clue about Dad. The last concert that you were at, was there a mosh pit? No. What was the last computer game that you played? World of Warcraft. If you had to choose a new cell phone, what phone would you pick? Some sort of iPhone. I hate my Samsung. Has anyone killed one of your pets before? People have run over our cats before, but I'm certain that wasn't intentional. Does your bathroom have a theme to it? No. Are any rooms in your house themed? No. Is there a song that as soon as you hear it you are happier? At least to a degree. Do you have a push lawnmower or a riding lawnmower? We don't have one; Mom pays someone to do it. He uses a riding one, though. When was the last time someone teased you? Idr. Would you trust a vehicle that automatically parallel parks for you? Lmao could probably do it better than I could. Have you ever hit a car while parking? No, but I rarely drive anyway and never park close to others. When you are eating fast food, do you tend to get burgers or chicken? Burgers. When was the last time you used Microsoft Excel? No clue. What was the last thing that you recorded? I was WAY too excited the rare felhound mount dropped for me in WoW so I had to show Sara while I screamed lmao. Have you ever edited an article on Wikipedia? No. Do you like the show Futurama? I've never been into what I've seen. Have you ever found an arrow head? I don't remember ever having had. Have you given up any bad habits for someone? Don't think so. Who is with you? My cat's in the room, as is of course Venus. In what part of your life so far, have you learnt the most about yourself? 2017-2018, probably. Have you ever been in a fist fight? No. What aggravates you most about people in general? I guess if you want to put all humans together, I guess you never know what's gonna hurt who. When they have a valid reason to be hurt by it, anyway. Are your ears pierced? Twice in each lobe and then my right tragus. What did you last say out loud? Something to Teddy about wanting so much attention. Not at all in a bad way. Do you like anything about being angry? Fuck no. Did you have a summer job this year? No. Where do you wish you were? I've been dying to be at Sara's BAD LATELY MY MAN. Do you get surprises often? No, nor do I like them. I get too nervous. Name a crime you have committed? Illegally downloading things. Do you tell people when they get on your nerves? No, not normally. You're in jail… Who bails you out? Dad, most likely, taking money into account. I don't even know if he could afford bailing someone out, though. Are your feelings hurt easily? YEAH. What’s the ultimate cake topping? Just frosting. Have you ever ridden a motorcycle? No. Do you ever forward or reply to chain mails? Never. Have you ever tried to make your own alcohol? Nope. If you were to join one of the armed forces, which would it be? Lol no. Have you ever been to see stand up comedy? No. Have you ever needed stitches? At least twice. Have you ever been in a submarine? No. What would you do if someone proposed to you tomorrow? I'd say no, even if it was Sara. We're not ready for that yet. Which fictional character do you wish was real? Sobs all my favorites of everything are villains and therefore shouldn't be brought to life. Uhhhh. Idk. Maybe Harry Mason from SH 'cuz the entire human population deserves a dad like that. Do you own a lava lamp? I wish. Have you ever been in a hot tub or sauna? Yes to hot tub, but you couldn't pay me to set foot in a sauna. Have you ever had chicken pox? No. Do you believe there used to be dragons? No. We would've found fossil evidence by now, I think. Who’s your favorite god from ancient history? Man, idk. I love mythology. But memory is pretty faint though so I don't remember what most did/what they stand for. What was the last present you received? Uhhhh I'm not sure. Could you go out with someone who had a child from a previous relationship? No. I am not being a mother figure for anyone. What was your first alcoholic drink? Hard lemonade. What was your first detention for? I've only ever had detention for excessive tardies. Did you ever have a treehouse as a kid? No. Have you ever appeared on YouTube? EW LET'S FORGET THAT. Have you ever been on radio? No. Do you like your own name? I do. Could you ever have an affair with a married person? Fuck no. Could you ever split up a couple for one reason or another? I mean I'd urge one to leave the other if they were abusive or not really in love or something like that. I wouldn't out of my own interests. Which celebrity do you find the most annoying? The Paul brothers are fucking obnoxious trash. Is there anyone you work with that you don’t get along with? Why? N/A Have you ever been romantically interested in a coworker? No. Have you ever been romantically involved with a coworker? No. What is the game you’re currently playing most often on your phone? None. Do you have an opinion on adopting/purchasing a pet? Adopt. I understand the temptation of wanting a certain breed of pet, but you've gotta think beyond your desires here. There are so, so, SO many homeless cats and dogs especially that need homes. When was the last time you climbed a tree? Never, I believe. Why were you last pulled over? I never have been, thank GOD. Do you have any friends that own a private lake? I can just about guarantee no. Are you cool with swimming in a lake? It would depend on the lake. Do you have a drone? No. Do you have any t-shirts from any local businesses? No. Do you listen to any talk shows or podcasts? Only Mark's and his friends'. Do you know anyone who’s had their own podcast? I don't think so. Where were you the last time you stayed in a hotel? The beach. Do you know anyone who is freaked out by cats? No. What kind of music do your parents listen to? Mom loves (classic) metal and rock like me, but she also enjoys Christian music. Dad likes rock and classic metal/rock. What do you do when you can’t escape thoughts of your ex? I mean, I'm a bad person to ask, because my PTSD is tied to my ex. My case is far more extreme. All you really can do is try to do things to distract yourself. What do you think about indoor pets? Love 'em. How it should be most of the time for most animals. Would you agree that love is blind? Very. Did your first real significant other change you at all? Yes. Are you waiting to have sex until you’re married? I don't think so, if I was to ever be in that situation with a man again. How many schools have you been to? Five, but I'm about to start my sixth. Do any songs give you goosebumps? I get goosebumps very, VERY easily when it comes to music. I don't even have to really like the song. What do you think about divorce? Sadly necessary in extreme cases. What’s your favorite way to eat peanut butter? In a Reese's lol. Do you still watch any cartoons meant for kids? I don't watch TV now, but if I was still into watching shows, I'd totally still follow Pokemon. What’s your favorite kind of cereal? Man, idk. Maybe Cinnamon Toast Crunch. What were you doing the last time you were on a roof? Just sitting up there. Do you have any stickers on your car? Mom has I think one? Have you ever given someone flowers? I'll always remember this one Mother's Day where I went down our old path with my sister and friend and we picked up SO many flowers to put in a glass cup as a bouquet for Mom. So yeah. Do you have any stickers on your laptop? No. Do you listen to Nirvana? I don't usually search them out, but they're on my iPod, and I won't generally skip 'em if a Nirvana song comes along. What is one thing stopping you from becoming a veterinarian? I hate seeing animals in pain and/or dying. Are you easily scared by horror movies? Not at all. How old were you when you were first pulled over by the police? I've never been pulled over. When was the last time you drank out of a champagne glass? I've no idea. Do you enjoy plane journeys, if you’ve ever been on one? If we're just talking the ride and not the process leading up to it, and so long I've the window seat, yeah, they're fine. What’s the last movie you’ve seen in theaters and can honestly say you enjoyed? I adored the live action TLK, truly and thoroughly. I didn't at all get the hate. Like I know a common criticism is they took the realism too far (they were lacking in expression), but I liked that, honestly. It made it feel all the more real. I mean honestly, I possibly liked it more than the animated (save for the "Be Prepared" singing), and that movie is sacred to me. Have you ever seen your father cry? I've only seen him tear up like once in my life. How would your parents react if you got pregnant? They'd be confused as fuck because I'm the polar opposite of promiscuous, monogamous, advise that to only happen after marriage, and am with a girl. If you’re in a relationship, how is it going? If you’re single, are you looking for someone? It's going great. We're just ready to no longer be long-distance. How big is your bed? Queen-sized. Do you believe the Holocaust happened? No??????????? fucking????????????????? shit??????????????????????????????? Ever spent any time on a military base? No. Have you ever tried putting black pepper on mac ‘n’ cheese? (It’s good!) Yes, delicious. Has a wild animal ever been loose in your house? Not our current house. We lived in the woods beforehand, and we did have mild mice problems in the winter. Have you ever felt a temperature below 0? No. Have you ever seen a volcano? Not in person. Are you a fan of Janis Joplin? I've actually never really listened to her. Have you ever mowed the lawn (even a little bit)? No. What’s the closest river to you? The Tar River. Don't mind sharing considering it's ginormous. Who were the last 3 males you talked to? My nephew, his dad, then my own dad. What was the last form of communication you used to speak to your best friend? (e.g. text message, phone call) Text. What was the last alcoholic drink you tried for the first time? Uhhhh I think some kind of white wine? Did you like it? Not in the slightest. What’s your favorite feature of the person you’re currently interested in? She has the cutest random little freckle on her hip. Do you remember the first CD you ever bought? I believe the first I personally wanted and got was the Swan Songs album by Hollywood Undead. Where is your favorite place to get fries? You have NOT lived until you've eaten Bojangle's fries. They have a special seasoning that is absolutely spectacular. The Bojangle's experience is so important that it's the first place we went when Sara first came here lmao. Do you know anyone who was raised by their grandparents? Don't believe so. Have you ever made your own pie from scratch? No. What is your favorite gaming console? PS2, always. What was the last major city you visited? Chicago. I mean, or Raleigh, if you count it as a "major" one. How many romantic relationships have you been in so far? I only really consider Jason and Sara as "romantic" relationships. Have you ever used a leaf blower? No. What would you say is the worst part of high school, period? The shift from child to young adult. Hormones make the experience so, so much more difficult than it needs to be. What is your favorite color of apple? Red, green or yellow? Red. They're usually the most crisp. If you were dying who would you say goodbye to first out of everyone? It'd either be Mom or Sara, definitely. I can't really say without being in that moment, idk. Are you someone who actually likes to babysit children? Fuck no. I've only ever done it once and never will again, even though the one occasion went fine. Who was the last person to call you fat, if anyone at all? Myself lmao. What color skin does the last person you danced with have? White. Has your mother ever called your school because of your grades? No. What is the worst name a friend has ever called you? Do you remember? I can promise you one has most certainly called me a bitch or worse. Have you ever wanted to be in a band? What position exactly? At the start of high school, I remember I'd sometimes daydream about being a guitarist, but it was never something I like, actively craved. Who is your role model or hero in life if you have one? *blinks* Do you ever call your cousins just to talk to them randomly? No. When did you last spend the night at someone’s house? December of last year. Do you ever have to wash your clothes at someone else’s house? If I'm at Sara's. Do you prefer it when it gets darker earlier? NO. I'm much unlike I used to be in that I prefer brightness. It actually does affect my mood; I recommend to aaaaanybody who suffers from depression to stay in a bright room. I used to live in the dark as well, and I promise, it makes a difference. Have you ever learned any self-defense? If not, would you be interested in learning? No, and yes, especially with how incredibly paranoid I am. Do you like Gushers? Yaaaaas hunty. Can you touch your nose with your tongue? No. When was the last time you felt like you didn’t have anything to worry about? LOL HUH??????? NO WORRIES??????? How old was the last child that you spoke to? Three. What is the name of the last perfume you put on? "Crazy Lady." That perfume is years upon YEARS old. It was a birthday present from Summer, and seeing as I barely ever wear perfume, it's still in my room. Expired, I'm sure, lol. Are you waiting for something to arrive in the mail? No. Have your parents ever forgotten your birthday? No. Do you like your orange juice with lots or no pulp? NONONONONONONO. I absolutely will not drink orange juice with pulp. Did the Spanish classes have an “El Dia de Los Muertos” (Day of the Dead) fiesta at school? I think so? How long have you had the hairbrush you are currently using? I use a comb now that we've had actually forever. What projects are you doing now for school? I'm not in school, not quite yet anyway. :') Do you know what durian is? Do you like it? No. I would never try it. What’s the most number of comments you have on a Facebook picture? What is the picture of? I don't know, and I don't plan on looking. Most likely some selfie. Do you like coconut flavored things? NO. Coconut is disgusting. Have you ever met a famous author before? No. Do you know anybody who has been raped before? I don't think so, and I truly hope not... How often do you get a fever? Like, never. What kind of laundry basket do you use? It's just a plain, white, plastic one. As a child, did you ever have a clown or a magician at your birthday parties? I actually believe I had both. I know I had a pair of clowns once, and with how into magic I was, I would expect I've had had one. Do you have a permit or license? I have my permit. It's more than due time I work more towards my license... List all the stores you’ve been in this past month. I think the only one is PetSmart. Have you ever thrown food at a stranger in a movie theater? No, because I was never that childish. Does/did either of your parents serve in the military? No. Do you like sour candy? My favorite! Where would you like to go on your honeymoon? Most likely Pink Sands Beach in the Bahamas, but honestly I'm terrified of the Bermuda Triangle, so that's unlikely, lmao. That black sand beach in Hawaii, however, will do. Are all nighters something you have grown used to? BIIIIIIITCH I've outgrown that shit. I'm rarely up past 10 at the latest these days. Is there anybody you’re not ashamed to tell anything to? Anything, no. Smoothies or slushies? Slushies. Ignoring nutrition, could you live off veggies for the rest of your life? Nooooooo. Elaborate on a way you have volunteered? I once volunteered at PetSmart during an adoption event, giving the cats and dogs attention while people visited. I absolutely fell in LOVE with a dog there that I begged Mom to get, and she came pretty close. I cried leaving, ha ha... Does anybody know about your sex life other than your partners? No. If you could see any musician live, front row, who would you choose? Um, Ozzy????? Duh??????? My Dad???????? Is great?????????????? If you had to choose between a million dollars or to be able to change a regret? And here you have it, the stupidest question I've seen on a survey. Have you ever been around someone who was high? Yeah. Could you handle living with a male roommate? No, with how afraid I am of men. It'd only work if it was with a long-time bf. Have you spoken to your mother today? Father? For once, both. Do you live by yourself? No. Do you shower every day? No, it's unhealthy and I don't find every day necessary. Especially when you live my hermit life. Is English your native language? Yes. Who is your favorite character from Harry Potter? N/A Do you watch PewDiePie? Very, very rarely. I'm not that into his content anymore, and his humor changed from more original to heavily meme-ish. Are you married? No. Did you ever color your hair pink? No, but totally not apposed. Do you have any subscribers on YouTube? Yeah, some. Do you salt your popcorn? Sadly. Do you like McDonalds? Don't even try to bullshit, you don't mind McD's. Do you have a Steam account? Yeah. Have you ever played Five Nights at Freddy’s? No. It's a cool series though, and I enjoy watching LPs of it. Do you like horror movies? YESSSSSS my favorite. Is your favorite animal a dog? No. Do you like chicken nuggets? mmmmmmmMMMMMMMMMMMMMM What color is the ceiling in the room? White. Do you like religion? It's interesting, but has done a shitload of evil. However, it has also made wonderful people. It depends on how you use it. Have you ever tried Akinator? Yeah. Can you twerk? Idk and idc. Do you like dabbing? It looks remarkably stupid/like you're sneezing into your elbow. Do you like fishing? I do, but I've stopped doing it. I feel too bad for the fish. Do you like sleeping? Oh fuck yeah. What do you think of Fifty Shades of Grey? Fucking disgusting, whether in book or movie format. Do you swear in front of children? No. Which Pirates of the Caribbean do you like the most? Never watched 'em. What do you think of Rob Zombie? I enjoy a lot of his music. How far out of your age bracket would you date? Once you hit 10 years, it's a no for me. Have you ever had an STD? No. Is the area you live in more liberal or conservative? I live in the South. Take a wild guess. Have you picked out flower petals, saying, ‘He loves me, he loves me not?' No. Do you like to pace? It's not that I "like" to, it's just a habit. What’s the greatest thing about science? Learning about the world around us. Discovering how life works. Does it annoy you when people dumb themselves down to be cool? It's not "annoying," it's just stupid. Intelligence is cool. What’s a song you like from the genre you hate? "When The Stars Go Blue" by Tim McGraw is a heavy exception. I adore that song. Are your parents divorced? Yeah, they separated when I was like, 16-17. Who was your first friend? Brianna. Have you ever been to Germany? Hell, I wish. What do you hear right now? I'm currently obsessed with "Brand New Numb" by Motionless In White. Have you ever been ice skating? No. Have you ever been to the Statue of Liberty? No. Would you consider yourself a shy person? I am one of the shyest people you will ever meet in your life. Do you like techno? Yeah, actually. I've really gotten into electronic music. How many windows are in the room you’re in? Two. Can you whistle? No. My lip ring is probably what makes me unable to anymore. How many X-rays have you had in the last 2 years? Three. One of my knees, then over the course of two years, I believe two for my teeth at the dentist. Are you on good terms with your last ex? Yeah. Do you own an Xbox? No. Favorite Snapchat filter? I've never used Snapchat before. How many pillows do you sleep with? Two. What’s the worst thing you have ever done? Depends on how you mean "worst." Most damaging to me, let myself turn Jason into a god in my head and nearly kill myself for it. As far as most immoral, probably be partially responsible for why my former best friend and her bf broke up because he wound up liking me because I was a dumb 12 y/o. What's your favorite candle scent? Probably coffee or cinnamon rolls. Do you take any medications daily? Yeah. What is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc) An annoying combo. What type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc) A small one. Are you going to change your last name when you get married? Yes, I hate my last name. Last person you called? Mom. Chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? I don't like sprinkles at all. The texture ruins treats. Who was the last person you cried in front of? Mom, I'm sure. Do you think vlogging in public is scary? I wouldn't say "scary," just incredibly awkward. You'd never see me do it. Would you want to be in a collab channel on YouTube? I don't even want to risk popularity, so no. Do you watch any collab channels? Which ones? Game Grumps and Sam & Colby, mainly. What colors have you dyed your hair, if any? Black, purple, and red. What is your gender and sexual orientation? Female and bisexual. Have you been to an escape room? Was it a success? No, but they seem REALLY fun. Ever performed on stage? Was it scary or amazing or both? Yeah, many times for dance. It was really neither for me. Have you ever recorded a cover of a song? No. Have you tried the Beyond or Impossible burger? Thoughts? No, but I want to, especially as I plan on returning to vegetarianism at one point. When was the last time you ate your all-time favorite candy? Oh wow, months. When was the last time you made friends with old enemies? Some time last year, Rachel and I reconnected. She's cool as hell now. When was the last time you took time to pray? It's been a long time. I don't believe it does anything. What is a movie that you heard about recently that you do NOT want to see? Is that "Cats" movie real or was the trailer a fever dream???? What do you do during long trips in the car? I just blare music. Best kind of music to dance to? And the worst kind of music to dance to? I really love "different" songs that warrant a modern sort of dance style. It was my favorite when I took dance, and it's by far my favorite to watch. Worst, I guess like, screamo. How would you dance???? Last candy you tried that you did not enjoy? Or one that you did enjoy? Oh my god. So I tried that new Reese's doughnut from Krispy Kreme today, and it. Was. Repulsive. A candy I actually liked, idk. I rarely ever have treats anymore. Were you a chubby or thin baby? I was normal. Have you ever not given a tip at a restaurant? Why didn’t you? N/A, y'all know my money situation. What is the most outrageous thing you’ve considered doing lately? Okay, I'll admit I at least briefly pondered the possibility of getting a nipple pierced after an eternity of saying I never would lmao. I'm not, tho. Have you ever known somebody who ran away? Most likely. What are your thoughts on Batman? I think it's cool he has that policy of never killing anyone, and he also doesn't have any actual powers, does he? I don't remember. The whole Batman universe (or comics for that matter) is one I don't really connect to anymore, as it was Jason's obsession, so it's a dangerous topic for me. When I say Dr. Seuss, what is the first thing that comes to mind? Green Eggs and Ham. I loooved that book as a kid. Rollercoasters that go upside down… yes please or no thank you? Hell to the motherfuckin no thanks. Is there a certain place or store you especially hate going to? Grocery stores. What was the last animal/pet that you met? There was a BEAUTIFUL standard poodle Mom and I briefly interacted with at the pet store a week or so back. Is there something in particular you always seem to forget? Straighten the shower curtain after I get out so it dries properly. When was the last time you had to wait in line for longer than a few minutes? *shrugs* Have you ever written a review for a product you bought online? No. What was the last board game you played? I think it was all the way back when Sara, Girt, and I played Scrabble.

[touristguidebuzz]

9 Travel Hacks For Thrill Seekers on Long Flights or Greenland Nights

Bloomberg Pursuits talked to a U.S. Marine on his top track hacks for active travel, including why he thinks sleeping on planes is bad. Hernán Piñera / Flickr

Skift Take: As more travelers seek thrills and extreme sports experiences while traveling, these are some handy tips on how to make the most of those kinds of trips.

— Dan Peltier

We always want to make sure we’re doing travel right. So we’re talking to globe-trotters in various luxury fields. These are the Distinguished Travel Hackers.

Iraq war veteran Akshay Nanavati joined the Marines after overcoming drug addiction in high school; his role in Iraq was to walk in front of convoys to find IEDs, or improvised explosive devices. On his discharge, Nanavati was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder and considered suicide before turning to extreme sports as an answer. Since then, he has run ultramarathons, skied across the world’s second-largest ice cap, and climbed in the Himalayas.

Together, those experiences form the basis of his current career as a coach and motivational speaker, as well as the backbone of his new book, Fearvana: The Revolutionary Science of How to Turn Fear into Health, Wealth and Happiness.

Nanavati spends much of his year traveling, whether between his two home bases—the U.S. and India—or on extreme expeditions in Greenland, Alaska, or Bolivia. His favorite carriers are Southwest and Lufthansa. Of the German airline, he says, “The service is great, and it flies locally to Newark, and it’s convenient for places like India where my family’s at.” He lives in Basking Ridge, N.J., with his wife.

Approach air travel like a workout

When you travel with the Marines, you don’t get the luxury of time off to relax and recover, whether this is going to San Diego for Marine Corps boot camp or flying to Kuwait in preparation for the war. You’ve got to hit the ground running. So I took lessons from that: If I’m flying to a destination at night, to combat the jet lag and ensure I get back into the rhythm, I force myself to stay awake on a long flight. I use pre-workout supplements with caffeine in them like Gnarly Maximus.

The other thing I’ve started doing to keep me going and keep my energy and my blood flowing is to find a corner of the plane somewhere and knock out pushups every so often. I’ve gamified it, so depending on the mileage of the journey, I’ll tell myself: one pushup for every 10 or 100 miles of the journey. You’ll get funny stares from people eyeing you in that back corner, but I think usually it’s often a smile of admiration.

Carry a good MacGyver tool

My favorite travel companion is a Bear Grylls Gerber, a small, simple one—that’s my go-to MacGyver tool. Having a multitool always comes in handy to fix any little things that might break during my adventures. It’s got a little knife on it and a pair of pliers. Pliers are useful for everything—when my [suitcase] zip came loose, I used the pliers to zip it shut again. If nothing else, it also just serves as a useful bottle opener.

Bring an extra water bottle on cold camping trips

In cold environments, like when I was mountaineering in Alaska, it really helps to have a pee bottle. The first time I heard this, it kind of grossed me out. But then the first time I had to get out [of my tent] in a cold mountain environment to go pee radically changed that thought. The best way is to take a yellow Nalgene bottle and mark big Xs all over it because you do not want to confuse it with your regular water bottle. You learn how to pee in a pee bottle very effectively. And it also becomes like a hot water bottle you can keep with you in your sleeping bag, which was helpful in Greenland, where it’s minus-30 degrees.

Pack a runner’s kit

As soon as I landed in Kerala [recently], I went on a 10-mile run in the pouring rain, and it was beautiful. I absolutely loved it. I have a Ziploc bag in my running kit, where I put my iPod and these little 100-calorie packets, Gu Gel, that runners use for ultra-endurance sports. There’s a very specific formula I follow: You want to take anywhere from 250 to 300 calories an hour, so I take two per hour.

Get uncomfortable as soon as you can

As I like to put it, seek out a worthy struggle on every trip. I find that traveling to a new place and meeting new people is not worth it if you do everything you can to stay in your comfort zone, like never leaving the confines of a luxury resort or eating the same meals you would eat back home, for example. Sometimes it can just be staying at a lower-end Airbnb instead of a luxury hotel.

I did that when I was in Andorra. I did a whole run from the northern tip to the southern tip of Andorra, so I essentially saw the whole country when I ran through it—a 20-mile run. There’s a lot of gorgeous, gorgeous nature and so you can do all these amazing hikes, but it’s also like this beautiful, quaint little city and the towns there. I’ve paid the price for this also: I was in the Indian Himalayas after a mountaineering trip, and my mom said, “Don’t eat the vegetables here because those could be raw.” I thought, “I’ll be fine,” and I had severe dysentery for four days.

Take trips in strategic pairs

Another thing I learned from the Marines: When you really push your mind, body, and spirit, the feeling of rest after that is so much more relaxing. So I like to strategically plan my vacations. I pair trips—one that’s physically or emotionally intense, then one that allows you to relax. I’ve learned that when you relax on vacation after a hard [trip], it’s the best feeling in the world because there’s no greater rest than the rest that is really truly earned. I did a one-month ski across Greenland: 350 miles while dragging a 190-pound sled. After that, I was ready to relax, so we planned a vacation with my family to South Africa and went on a very nice safari and to Cape Town, too.

Prepare for monotony

The first time I took a polar expedition, I wasn’t prepared for the monotony: You’re just skiing into empty, white nothingness every day, for 8 to 12 hours. You have to deal with your mind a lot, which goes everywhere because it’s wandering. So now, to train for an adventure trip, I practice stillness. An endurance cyclist friend of mine told me to sit and stare at the wall, with no music, no TV, no paintings even. No stimuli to engage you. He would do that for 24 hours, then go riding for 24 hours. It’s a hard thing to do; surprisingly, it brings up a lot of stuff, all the demons and everything else. But you kinda grow from it.

Immerse yourself in the community

There’s a website called Explorers Web, which is where I follow communities of the things I want to engage in. Once I figure out who the top explorers or mountaineers are, I follow them on Twitter, Instagram, and all that. I really want to visit Patagonia, for example, so I learned of this Norwegian explorer called Børge Ausland who leads trips to the Patagonia ice caps.

Pack a secret sauce

In Iraq, we would have Cajun powder, Tony Chachere’s Creole Seasoning. We would put it on almost everything to flavor it all. The unit I went to deploy with was a Louisiana-based unit, so that’s why. I put a little of that hot sauce powder in my wash bag. And sometimes when you travel, it’s hard to eat healthily, so I also pack vegetable powders like Athletic Greens.

This article was written by Mark Ellwood from Bloomberg and was legally licensed through the NewsCred publisher network. Please direct all licensing questions to legal@newscred.com.

[rollinbrigittenv8]

9 Travel Hacks For Thrill Seekers on Long Flights or Greenland Nights

Bloomberg Pursuits talked to a U.S. Marine on his top track hacks for active travel, including why he thinks sleeping on planes is bad. Hernán Piñera / Flickr

Skift Take: As more travelers seek thrills and extreme sports experiences while traveling, these are some handy tips on how to make the most of those kinds of trips.

— Dan Peltier

We always want to make sure we’re doing travel right. So we’re talking to globe-trotters in various luxury fields. These are the Distinguished Travel Hackers.

Iraq war veteran Akshay Nanavati joined the Marines after overcoming drug addiction in high school; his role in Iraq was to walk in front of convoys to find IEDs, or improvised explosive devices. On his discharge, Nanavati was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder and considered suicide before turning to extreme sports as an answer. Since then, he has run ultramarathons, skied across the world’s second-largest ice cap, and climbed in the Himalayas.

Together, those experiences form the basis of his current career as a coach and motivational speaker, as well as the backbone of his new book, Fearvana: The Revolutionary Science of How to Turn Fear into Health, Wealth and Happiness.

Nanavati spends much of his year traveling, whether between his two home bases—the U.S. and India—or on extreme expeditions in Greenland, Alaska, or Bolivia. His favorite carriers are Southwest and Lufthansa. Of the German airline, he says, “The service is great, and it flies locally to Newark, and it’s convenient for places like India where my family’s at.” He lives in Basking Ridge, N.J., with his wife.

Approach air travel like a workout

When you travel with the Marines, you don’t get the luxury of time off to relax and recover, whether this is going to San Diego for Marine Corps boot camp or flying to Kuwait in preparation for the war. You’ve got to hit the ground running. So I took lessons from that: If I’m flying to a destination at night, to combat the jet lag and ensure I get back into the rhythm, I force myself to stay awake on a long flight. I use pre-workout supplements with caffeine in them like Gnarly Maximus.

The other thing I’ve started doing to keep me going and keep my energy and my blood flowing is to find a corner of the plane somewhere and knock out pushups every so often. I’ve gamified it, so depending on the mileage of the journey, I’ll tell myself: one pushup for every 10 or 100 miles of the journey. You’ll get funny stares from people eyeing you in that back corner, but I think usually it’s often a smile of admiration.

Carry a good MacGyver tool

My favorite travel companion is a Bear Grylls Gerber, a small, simple one—that’s my go-to MacGyver tool. Having a multitool always comes in handy to fix any little things that might break during my adventures. It’s got a little knife on it and a pair of pliers. Pliers are useful for everything—when my [suitcase] zip came loose, I used the pliers to zip it shut again. If nothing else, it also just serves as a useful bottle opener.

Bring an extra water bottle on cold camping trips

In cold environments, like when I was mountaineering in Alaska, it really helps to have a pee bottle. The first time I heard this, it kind of grossed me out. But then the first time I had to get out [of my tent] in a cold mountain environment to go pee radically changed that thought. The best way is to take a yellow Nalgene bottle and mark big Xs all over it because you do not want to confuse it with your regular water bottle. You learn how to pee in a pee bottle very effectively. And it also becomes like a hot water bottle you can keep with you in your sleeping bag, which was helpful in Greenland, where it’s minus-30 degrees.

Pack a runner’s kit

As soon as I landed in Kerala [recently], I went on a 10-mile run in the pouring rain, and it was beautiful. I absolutely loved it. I have a Ziploc bag in my running kit, where I put my iPod and these little 100-calorie packets, Gu Gel, that runners use for ultra-endurance sports. There’s a very specific formula I follow: You want to take anywhere from 250 to 300 calories an hour, so I take two per hour.

Get uncomfortable as soon as you can

As I like to put it, seek out a worthy struggle on every trip. I find that traveling to a new place and meeting new people is not worth it if you do everything you can to stay in your comfort zone, like never leaving the confines of a luxury resort or eating the same meals you would eat back home, for example. Sometimes it can just be staying at a lower-end Airbnb instead of a luxury hotel.

I did that when I was in Andorra. I did a whole run from the northern tip to the southern tip of Andorra, so I essentially saw the whole country when I ran through it—a 20-mile run. There’s a lot of gorgeous, gorgeous nature and so you can do all these amazing hikes, but it’s also like this beautiful, quaint little city and the towns there. I’ve paid the price for this also: I was in the Indian Himalayas after a mountaineering trip, and my mom said, “Don’t eat the vegetables here because those could be raw.” I thought, “I’ll be fine,” and I had severe dysentery for four days.

Take trips in strategic pairs

Another thing I learned from the Marines: When you really push your mind, body, and spirit, the feeling of rest after that is so much more relaxing. So I like to strategically plan my vacations. I pair trips—one that’s physically or emotionally intense, then one that allows you to relax. I’ve learned that when you relax on vacation after a hard [trip], it’s the best feeling in the world because there’s no greater rest than the rest that is really truly earned. I did a one-month ski across Greenland: 350 miles while dragging a 190-pound sled. After that, I was ready to relax, so we planned a vacation with my family to South Africa and went on a very nice safari and to Cape Town, too.

Prepare for monotony

The first time I took a polar expedition, I wasn’t prepared for the monotony: You’re just skiing into empty, white nothingness every day, for 8 to 12 hours. You have to deal with your mind a lot, which goes everywhere because it’s wandering. So now, to train for an adventure trip, I practice stillness. An endurance cyclist friend of mine told me to sit and stare at the wall, with no music, no TV, no paintings even. No stimuli to engage you. He would do that for 24 hours, then go riding for 24 hours. It’s a hard thing to do; surprisingly, it brings up a lot of stuff, all the demons and everything else. But you kinda grow from it.

Immerse yourself in the community

There’s a website called Explorers Web, which is where I follow communities of the things I want to engage in. Once I figure out who the top explorers or mountaineers are, I follow them on Twitter, Instagram, and all that. I really want to visit Patagonia, for example, so I learned of this Norwegian explorer called Børge Ausland who leads trips to the Patagonia ice caps.

Pack a secret sauce

In Iraq, we would have Cajun powder, Tony Chachere’s Creole Seasoning. We would put it on almost everything to flavor it all. The unit I went to deploy with was a Louisiana-based unit, so that’s why. I put a little of that hot sauce powder in my wash bag. And sometimes when you travel, it’s hard to eat healthily, so I also pack vegetable powders like Athletic Greens.

This article was written by Mark Ellwood from Bloomberg and was legally licensed through the NewsCred publisher network. Please direct all licensing questions to legal@newscred.com.