#like they're the ones that talked her into participating in the more dangerous aspects of cases

[that-ineffable-devil]

Do you ever think about the fact that Litty and Kingham are technically the reason Niko died, and also technically the reason that Crystal is alive?

[soo-won]

Yona and Keishuk as representations of Suwon's feelings and pragmatism.

Disclaimer: Yona, Keishuk and Suwon are obviously their own persons with dozens of more layers than what I talk about in this post. The scenes I use as examples are also about much more than what I use them for here. All of this is just one way I like to read things and I don't claim that the manga is meant to be read that way at all (the contrary honestly). This is just me having fun overanalyzing everything.

Something that has been on my mind since chapter 232 now, is the idea that Yona and Keishuk represent perfectly the duality inside of Suwon. I have loved this trio for all the potential they hold since the castle arc now, and I didn't get as much as I wanted with them at all but this specific page of chapter 232 still makes me "oooooh".

(Long post under the cut. sorry)

I know the important part comes just after with the "You are needed." Suwon-Yona scene, but I think the composition is super interesting here. Yona and Keishuk are having a full conversation, debating over what to do about Mei-nyan, and Suwon doesn't participate at all (he only enters the conversation next page but doesn't say anything on that matter specifically until chapter 233, when he makes his decision). As if quietly listening to both sides and considering all the points they present. Yes saving Mei-nyan is a bother, why should they do so much for one captive? Yes it's also dangerous to let her in enemy hands given the informations she has against Suwon. It's not farfetched to imagine Suwon can agree to both of their statements. Suwon is hidden by the bubbles of their conversation, erasing himself to give room to their discussion. It's as if we were inside Suwon's head and being a spectator of his trains of thoughts, as if Yona and Keishuk were two parts of Suwon's psyche. They're obviously their own independant characters outside of that with their own merits and personality etc ect but I think it's still interesting to read their dynamic this way.

After all, didn't Yona always represent for Suwon his own feelings? And Keishuk the lack of them? Discarding Yona (and Hak, but I think Yona especially represents that) has always been synonym to discarding his feelings. By discarding her, Suwon discards that he is not a 100% impartial human being that loves (and hates) some people more than others, and that he actually cares and cannot always 100% control his heart. The reason he discarded Yona when the coup happened is because his feelings don't matter from that point on and are directly in the way of his goals. And one of the reason he rejected her so much in the castle and kai battle arcs is exactly because she means something special to him and she keeps trying to appeal to Suwon's heart and feelings (by making several references to Yonhi for example, but also simply by being herself and asking Suwon to save the prisoners, etc) and tries to make the situations personal, two things that Suwon forced himself to stop and not do for a plethora of reasons I won't develop here.

(About Yonhi, the manga has made a connection between Yona and Yonhi a few times? One thing is Yonhi's hairpin that Yona also wears on one of the magazine cover, and there are the few mentions Yona makes of her in front of Suwon. I don't think the manga tries to say that Yona=Yonhi at all, but rather that Yona acts as some sort of reminder of her to Suwon? After all, there's close to no one left in the world who knew her, and even less in the castle and around Suwon in contrast to how Suwon grew up and is surrounded by Yuhon's faction and people admiring him. But most people forgot about Yonhi or never thought much of her. So I assume post-diary Yona tries to balance things out a little bit on that aspect, showing that even if people see Suwon as Yuhon's successor, he is also at his core his mother's son and it's sad to pretend he is not.

In parallel, even if not as explicitely as Yona (as I don't remember Keishuk ever mentioning Yuhon in front of Suwon?) Keishuk is one of the many reminder of Yuhon to Suwon. Keishuk definitely isn't Yuhon either, but the way he thinks and his ideology are similar enough. So you could say that Yona and Keishuk are Yonhi and Yuhon's voices in the present.)

In parallel Keishuk represents the exact opposite of listening to your feelings. Keishuk needs analysis posts for him alone, but even though he is obviously not without emotions at all, his place and role by Suwon's side is precisely to present him things as objectively as possible and make the most practical and efficient decisions, leaning towards machiavellianism (and I love him for that <3). Plus, contrary to Suwon, Keishuk doesn't have any emotional attachment for Yona and Hak, so while Suwon can rarely think straight when it's about them, Keishuk can, and is essential. Suwon would have never made it like he's engaged to Yona, he would have never proposed an alliance with her in the first place, nor would he have asked her to support him on the battlefield on his own. Before the alliance, Keishuk also investigated on the DDHHB behind Suwon's back, and tried to kill Yona and Hak several times because he knew they would be/have become a nuisance, while Suwon overlooked what Yona could/does represent because of his feelings.

Keishuk takes the decisions Suwon can't. And I think a part of Suwon is aware of that. Keishuk is like a point of reference and the reason he has Keishuk by his side and lets him do all these things is because he agrees that these actions are sounded and benefit Kouka in some way. Suwon would have never imprisoned Hak himself, but when Keishuk tells him about it, Suwon doesn't object. When in chapter 2 Keishuk tells Suwon to kill Yona, he doesn't object either, and readies himself to do so.

Keishuk is Suwon's speaker. Suwon rarely voices his true thoughts but Keishuk as a proxy often gives us an idea. His personality makes him more snarky and they don't agree on everything, but Suwon knows that Keishuk will always absolutely prioritizes Kouka as a whole over everything else and he can trust that. And that's also why I think Keishuk can represent one part of Suwon's psyche. He is the part of Suwon that shows no remorse for his colder decisions and is resolved to make any sacrifices needed for the sake of his goals. He is the part of Suwon that refuses to let himself be moved by his emotions and unable to make sound decisions because of it, the part of himself that won't prioritize someone only out of love or compassion.

And Yona is you could say the speaker of Suwon's feelings. Take the Hak imprisonment fiasco for example. This is a moment that shows a bit of Keishuk's vulnerability, but if you decide to read every interaction between Keishuk and Yona as some kind of metaphor of Suwon's inner conflict it's also super interesting. Keishuk wants to kill Hak because he is a threat to Suwon's life: simple and straigthforward. Keishuk doesn't love Hak and is still afraid of the danger he represents for Suwon's life at that point and very much doesn't like how Hak tries to get closer to Suwon without his approval. These are points very specific to Keishuk as an individual, related to his backstory and his personality. But this very reactive answer to Hak suddenly getting too close to Suwon is also very befitting of how Suwon feels imo. Suwon doesn't know Hak was here at that point sure, but on a meta level rejecting Hak so extremely the second he gets too close and sees him at a weak point just makes sense. Hak was the very last person Suwon wanted to be seen by this way. And him not objecting to his imprisonment is for me a sign that he is okay with things this way. He doesn't want Hak to get close. It's better like this. If Hak gets close, he can't think straight in more way than one. So let's discard him.

But then Yona enters and stops Keishuk. This scene is meant to show Yona's development and how she is able to protect Hak her own way and how Hak's life is not something she will ever compromise on, things that are distinct to her as an individual as well. But if you see Yona's rise in the castle as the rise of Suwon's closeted feelings, getting harder and harder to repress, it also shows that it got to the point where these feelings directly clash with his usual mindset, that these feelings for Hak have enough power to put a curb on the "discard every piece in your way" ideology.

Suwon is a secretive person who learned to keep most of his thoughts and feelings to himself. He is by nature someone who doesn't react to tragedies the way you would expect him to, looking detached and unconcerned. But what Akayona showed again and again is that by no mean this is equal to him being indifferent and not feeling anything at all. This is just his way of processing and dealing with grief(I'm not gonna go on a tangent on how he can be read as neurodivergent but yeah. he's so real for that). Being openly emotional like Keishuk and Yona is just not who he is as a person, it happens but only rarely, so the two of them are the perfect proxy to show the turmoil going on in Suwon's heart. Whether it's when Suwon is annoyed and angry, or when he's worried about Hak's whereabouts, they're his voice. (Interestingly Keishuk seems to be the only one convinced Hak is dead and thinks as such. Something something Suwon swaying between hoping that Hak is still alive somewhere(like Yona) and giving up on that hope(like Keishuk).)

But Suwon is not Keishuk. And actually a lot of times when Keishuk advises Suwon to kill someone, Suwon compromises to only capturing and imprisoning them or even lets them escape in Yona and Hak's cases. And one of the way I choose to interpret the Kai battle arc like is that it's all about Suwon accepting his own feelings, that even if he agrees with his father's ideology, he is his own person and he can't keep discarding the part of him that cares and loves and worries and feels. He can't keep discarding Yona and Hak. Yes Yona is needed, his own feelings are needed.

And he is not Yona either. That's why he still sees saving Mei-nyan as a nuisance. Suwon is Suwon, and being able to look at things calmly and evalutating the risks and costs of an action over another and making his decisions based on that is still very much a part of him that you can't remove.

He is somewhere between Yona and Keishuk. A King who inherently prioritizes the bigger number over a few individuals, and yet someone who genuinely likes the people around him and can be swayed by his own emotions. He is very much both his parents' child. And he has to learn to reconcile both, without discarding one or the other.

Going even further, Yona being a proxy of Suwon's feelings fits perfectly the role she has now. She always tries to help the people that Suwon discards for his goals and he used to not let her do so, as a symbol for closing himself off completely, but now he accepts it (with still some reluctance but hey!) and knows he can entrust her with it. I don't think this is inherently a bad thing and it works well with Keishuk as a parallel again, as Suwon always entrusted him with all the logistics and the things he doesn't like to think about. Keishuk also often carries the bad role and direct the negativity at him (on purpose or not) so it doesn't reach Suwon. So like, to each their own role.

TDLR: Yona and Keishuk are like the little angel and devil on Suwon's shoulders respectively telling him to save and kill.

[dreamworldzine]

EVERYONE KNOWS WHATS HAPPENING EVEN THOUGH NOTHING IS HAPPENING

INCEST IN OTHER PEOPLES FAMILIES

I can't get rid of this gnawing terror: WHAT HAPPENED TO ME. Nothing (that I remember) from my life explains this feeling. Feeling like there must always be something secret and worse that I just don't remember. I had a therapist once tell me she was concerned I had unrecovered memories of severe sexual abuse. I hungrily read everything Clementine Morrigan writes. My eyes stick on the word: INCEST. That didn't happen to me. I am trying. Trying so fucking hard. Sifting through all my childhood memories. I read her writing about incest over and over. More than any other topic. It makes my heart race. I feel my eyes come into focus as if for the first time in many years. But I'm confused. I feel like an imposter. I feel crazy. I pick through interactions with my family, my dad's friends. Trying to find it and I don't.

And it makes sense. It's hard to see. Even my therapist missed it-- thinking that I could have repressed memories of sexual abuse of a level of seriousness similar to incest, but not seeing the actual incest that I experienced. One morning when I was reading The writing is a lightning strike that illuminates everything, I finally saw it. It did come to me in a lightning strike. And I immediately stopped reading and began desperately writing everything that came up. That piece of writing is what finally cracked open the abyss and allowed me to see in.

When I was 13, I became involved in the incestuous dynamic of another child's family. This wasn't repressed. I have always remembered the events of this particular year and worked with therapists to process some of the more overt abuse. But even my therapist missed it: the mother of this child was an incest perpetrator.

I'm writing it all down to turn it into something solid, touchable, that I can refer back to. Once it's all here, it can never vaporize back into the shapeless terror of WHAT HAPPENED TO ME. I'm writing it all down for incest survivors. Clementine Morrigan wrote that it isn't fair to make incest survivors carry it alone and she's right. So this is what I have to offer:

I befriended a boy my age and spent extensive amounts of time with his family. He and his mother were deeply enmeshed. She was heavily involved in every aspect of his life, but especially his friendships, relationships, and sexuality. The first time I was around his mother, I was immediately aware that I was the next in line, chosen to be his girlfriend. The last girl was still his friend and I was unwillingly placed into competition with her. From the first time we met, his mother told me stories of other girls who had come before me and all their terrible acts of noncompliance which resulted in their removal from their role as his girlfriend, his saviour, his Manic Pixie Dream Girl, and their premature descent into the role of fallen woman--whore, wild and dangerous.

Anyway, I was aware of this right away and deeply disturbed by it. I told my mother. She found it a little odd, but more amusing than concerning. Just benign crazy people. They're everywhere. She never asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend or if the controlling, and frankly terrifying, energy radiating off of his mother made me uncomfortable. She drove me to his house over and over. They never once came to pick me up, she took me there every single time.

I spent the better part of a year being groomed, manipulated, and coerced into a sexual relationship with this boy. He was an active participant. Constantly touching me. Discouraging me from talking to other people. Meltdowns if I rejected his advances. Threatening to hurt himself. But of course I don't blame him. It was and is obvious that he was under insane pressure from his mother to get me to be his "girlfriend".

His mother wanted us to pretend that she was our peer, one of the group. Simultaneously and paradoxically, she expected us to comply with her every demand. To bend and contort ourselves to act out the predetermined friendships and sexual experiences that she wanted her son to have. If we didn't, there would be consequences. I remember talking to the other kids: we all knew it was crazy, she was crazy. We all knew his relationship with his mom was Super Fucking Weird. What were we all doing there?

There was one stand out sexual assault. It was at a co-ed sleepover at another family's house, in a room we were sleeping in with two of his other friends (both male). I don't know if they were awake or not.

In the morning, I woke up to one of the other friends fully naked, in the middle of changing clothes. He was mortified when I woke up, got dressed quickly, and apologized. I don't think he meant anything malicious. But I bring it up because it speaks to the strange lack of boundaries that crept into this friend group. I don't think any of the other kids were experiencing incest from their own families. But the magic spell of compliance, enmeshment, and lack of boundaries still made it's way into their minds, just like it made it's way into mine. This was all fine and normal. Fun, in fact.

Looking back, I can see tones of parental detachment, with varying degrees of severity, in all the children who were close friends with this boy. Adults allowed everything to happen, but also, to them, nothing did happen. The more clear it became that my parents wouldn't become involved, the more sharply the abuse ramped up.

Perpetrators of abuse look for victims who will not be protected. Denial is a powerful tool of non-protection: that didn't happen because it can't have happened. I didn’t fail to protect you because there was nothing to protect you from. When his mother saw my own mother's denial or obliviousness of the situation, she saw that she could act on me with impunity. When people say that abuse as a child puts you at risk for further abuse, this is what they're talking about. No matter what happened to me at her house, my parents would never be outraged, because it could have just as easily happened at their house.

Is allowing your child to become involved in the incestuous dynamics of another family itself an expression of incest? Or is it just neglect? This isn't a rhetorical question. It feels insanely taboo to ask it, but we need to talk about it. Even survivors of incest who were raped by members of their family face extreme stigmatization when it comes to actually naming incest. I literally can't even fucking imagine how difficult it would be to accuse a family member of emotional incest. I'm not trying to claim trauma that isn't mine. I'm saying: for real, it would help survivors if we made space to ask these questions. And that includes asking if you experienced incest and ultimately concluding that you did not.

My mother wasn't ignorant of the unhealthy relationship my friend had with his mom. She wasn't ignorant of the constant "drama" between me and them. She wasn't ignorant of the way his mother meddled in his friendships, imposed herself into relationships with his friends. And my mother wasn't passive in allowing my involvement with him-- she, quite literally, delivered me to them on a silver platter, at great personal inconvenience. Is that neglect? I'm sure she would say that she had no idea and that she was trying to be a good mom by taking me to see my friend. Is it really possible she didn't know? Or was it that it seemed normal to her? Certainly, I was sexually abused by an incest perpetrator and her family. But it wasn't my family. As much as she tried to change this, I wasn't hers. I didn't belong to her. I wouldn't have to fight the law in order to be separated from her. In many respects, I was free to go. (WHY didn't I just go? It's complicated.) This sounds exactly like domestic abuse. Is it that simple?

I don't know. This is what I know:

I witnessed incest. I witnessed that woman sexually abuse her son. I was a child and powerless to stop it but I am no longer powerless. I can say: incest is utterly normal. Countless adults knew about the relationship she had with her son but they were at most, slightly off-put. It happens all the time. Everyone knows what's happening even though nothing is happening. Sometimes kids don't know. But here's the thing: I knew. I fucking knew the whole time. Even though I didn't have the words. I would have saved him if I knew how. If I had access to any adult who was willing to see what was going on. I would have gotten him the fuck out of there. He was my friend.

[everythingsinred]

Let's Talk About NatsuMikan: Natsume (pt. 18)

Hiya! I'm posting late, on account of my job. Editing these takes about an hour depending on the post and inserting the images takes a little more, but I didn't have a solid block of time to work on it, so I worked on it in pieces and I only just now finished.

This arc highlights Natsume's powerlessness. He's distancing himself from Mikan to protect her, but by doing this, he leaves her defenseless at times. He wants to be there for her but can't because of the corner he's been pushed into, and in his desperation he turns to anonymity.

Chapter Eighty-One

Hotaru, Natsume, and Ruka are running after them, but are caught by Tsubasa, who asks them what their plan is, exactly. Ruka turns to Natsume, who turns to Hotaru, who pretends she was just practicing her running for the Festival and then the boys started following her for no reason. This comic relief is a badly-needed break from all the bullying and blackmail of the arc so far.

This arc is full of fun comic relief, but the main plot is so depressing and frustrating that sometimes the comic relief is not enough.

In any case, all three of them know that the others are all working to take care of Mikan, even if she doesn't know it. They're all looking out for her in their own ways, even Natsume who seems to have publicly turned against her. At least Hotaru and Ruka can see the truth: he's still quite concerned about it, but he's in something of a bind now.

The next we see of Natsume, he’s walking with Tsubasa, being spied on by both Hotaru and Ruka. It’s here that we discover that Tsubasa has been transferred to the DA class, but is keeping this secret from Mikan. Moreover, he and Natsume are on a mission to locate Yuka, and they’re both aware that Mikan is her daughter. It’s interesting to know just how much information the DA class has on the other students that the other kids have no clue about. Hotaru and Ruka are shocked by this information, but for us as readers, it also demonstrates just how much work Natsume--and Tsubasa--are putting into protecting Mikan.

All this information is stuff they have to consider on their missions. They want to protect Yuka, because she’s Mikan’s mother, but they have no choice but to pursue and chase after her with raids and attacks. On top of that, Tsubasa is keeping his new ability class a secret, and Natsume has to hurt her with this Luna farce. It’s a lot to put on two kids, not that the ESP or Persona have much issue putting pressure on kids.

For Natsume in particular, it was fun while it lasted, being close to Mikan. He had relished and enjoyed it, and now he has to change pace. He’s willing to, because that’s how he can keep her smiling and having fun, even if he’s not on her team and can’t even be in her inner circle anymore. He’s willing to sacrifice anything for her, but we can see that it’s not any fun for him. Mikan is suffering in sadness, yes, but so is Natsume.

The next thing he has to do only makes things worse.

He confronts Mikan about the rumor Luna made up, about Mikan showing her underwear to the Fuukitai to avoid punishment. It’s obviously bogus: Mikan would never even think to do that, let alone actually do it. He knows that too, because Natsume knows her very well. He asks because he has to.

Mikan avoids answering, brushing it off as none of Natsume’s business, because she is also under Luna’s watchful gaze. So they end up having an argument in front of everyone, both not saying what they really mean, and instead doing as Luna commands, to keep everyone safe. Mikan points out that she isn’t his partner--or anything--anymore, so he should mind his business. Natsume then asks if that means his concern is a bother, and she confirms: yes. It’s a big fat pain.

It's heartbreaking and frustrating in equal spades.

It’s almost as if Natsume was testing something. Now he knows that Luna must have threatened Mikan in the storeroom. Something sinister happened there, and now Mikan is different, dishonest, mean. That’s not what she’s actually like, and now he’s concerned. Luna’s shadow is spreading and it’s threatening to encroach on Mikan’s light.

Chapter Eighty-Two

Natsume walks off, having heard all he needs to hear.

Luna is causing mayhem and strife to punish Mikan and Natsume specifically for their misbehavior on New Year’s. She wants Mikan to be isolated from Natsume in particular because he’s her number one protector. If there’s a wedge between them, Mikan is easier to target. After all, Mikan’s purpose at the academy is to lure in Yuka, and the more danger she is in, the more likely Yuka is to try and save her daughter. If Natsume is around, threatening Mikan becomes tricky. He’d never allow anything bad to happen to her, hence his desperation and sacrifice in this arc. In order to fulfill their goals regarding Yuka, they need Natsume out of Mikan’s picture.

Of course, despite Natsume’s secret intel being superior to Ruka or Hotaru’s (and definitely to Mikan’s), he’s still not entirely in the know. Yuka being the main target, for example, is information Natsume is not privy to, and couldn’t even imagine. This is a game Natsume is unaware that he cannot win. If he doesn’t distance himself from Mikan, she’ll be threatened, but if he does, she’ll be threatened. In reality, there's no way he can win this round.

Chapter Eighty-Three

Anyway, the Sports Fest doesn’t slow down for the kids’ drama. The athletic meets have begun, and now there is a relay race.

Ruka and Natsume are on different teams for the relay, and this has inspired Ruka to beat his best friend, so he can be number one in Mikan’s eyes for once.

I will talk way more about the “love triangle” aspect of NatsuMikan and the question of choice, autonomy, and agency in Mikan’s essay, because when it comes to Natsume's side of things, he's very much resigned to losing every romantic game, every relay race, every competition. It's no contest. He's not competing. He's withdrawn from the race, now more than ever. He will not participate. He is destined to lose, after all, so why even bother?

And so Ruka wins the actual relay, and Natsume watches as everyone has fun without him, something that he’s been accustomed to before. It hurts more now, undoubtedly, because for a time, he was actually a part of the group. Knowing what it feels like to fit in and have fun with everyone makes it even worse when it’s gone again. He used to separate himself from the rest and suffer all on his own, but now he’s returned to that state.

He hasn’t quite let go, either. His effort and commitment to the Sports Fest, despite all the drama with Mikan and Luna, demonstrate just how much he actually wants to participate. It’s not about having his friends around him. He actually likes being able to have fun, and be allowed to take part in an event with everyone else, even if he isn’t technically by his friends’ sides.

His bad feelings are only exacerbated by Luna, who shows up to taunt him. He shouldn’t worry about Mikan and Ruka, because they’ll be torn apart eventually. Whatever happiness they find right now is temporary. It won’t last, and Luna will make sure of it.

But Natsume loves both Mikan and Ruka, and that does not reassure him at all. He’s selfless, would rather they be together anyway. In a perfect world, maybe she could pick him, and it makes him sad that the world isn’t perfect and he can’t have what he wants, but he’s always at peace with losing. So he’s not at all comforted by the idea that the happiness his loved ones have found will dissipate in no time.

Chapter Eighty-Four

Luna then giggles, because whether or not Ruka and Mikan’s being split apart will result in Natsume’s happiness is another question entirely. She wants to rub it in that even if Ruka is out of the picture, he can never be with Mikan. Joke’s on her though, because Natsume has already come to terms with this the moment he fell in love with Mikan. He hasn’t been humoring ideas of love confessions and weddings and living happily ever after. It’s outside the realm of possibility, because his circumstances do not allow him much happiness at all.

The future seems bleaker than ever, and knowing that Ruka and Mikan are being kept under watch by the school, Natsume keeps an eye on them too. He’s feeling sad and heart-broken too, of course. He’s not perfect. He can’t erase feelings of jealousy or the ache of unrequited love just because he feels it’s his duty to make peace with them. It hurts, but he’ll carry through. That’s what he’s always done.

But people are gossiping about his presence, putting his position in jeopardy. Luna can’t know he’s still hanging around Mikan, even if Mikan herself is clueless to this. Before he can be discovered, he steals someone’s mask, the mask of a boy named Kusami whose hairstyle looks an awful lot like Natsume’s.

If only he could be allowed to just steal people's identities and not have to face any consequences for it. Alas.

Unfortunately for Natsume, the Borrowing Race is about to begin, and Kusami was arranged to be a participant. He put the mask on to avoid responsibility for his spying, but it’s bit him in the butt now.

Kusami benefits from this, indirectly, since kids who call him moron get the cold shoulder from Natsume, who doesn’t have the same easy-going personality.

It seems nobody actually wants to participate in the Borrowing Race. It’s very personal and vulnerable: you have to borrow a person or item you’d least want to borrow, as dictated on a small piece of paper assigned to you. It’s then judged by some mind-reading alices to test the validity of the borrowed items. The concept of the race functions around embarrassing and humiliating people, so naturally nobody would want to participate.

Natsume has gotten himself into trouble here. He can’t even make a run for it, though he really wants to, because for some reason people are hell-bent on Kusami competing. He’s in the second round, and starts running as he--or Kusami--is supposed to. He gets his paper and although we don’t see what’s written on it quite yet, we can see a focus on Mikan in one of the panels, so we can tell his first thought is to borrow her.

To confess anonymously in front of the whole school or to not confess anonymously in front of the whole school--that is the question.

And then in a few pages, emboldened by the mask he’s wearing, Natsume runs toward Mikan and grabs her wrist. He’s decided he will borrow her, because maybe she’ll never find out his true identity, and he can be selfish just this once. This could be his only chance ever to be honest about how he feels. He's had to lie and hide it for so long that it makes sense he'd take the first opportunity available to go for it. This is quite possibly the most selfish thing he’s done. If he gets caught, he’ll be entirely exposed.

Unlike Ruka, Natsume can't really win this race. He won't be number one in Mikan's eyes, ever. He can't ever tell her it's all for her. The very best he can do is compete with a mask on. Ruka can try his hardest and impress Mikan and Natsume feels he never will. It's not much of a competition when one person cannot and will not compete.

He runs, despite her confusion and obliviousness, or perhaps because of it.

And just as the fireworks displaying his prompt start going off in the sky, he lets her go and walks away resolutely. There. He’s participated.

“The person you love.”

Mikan is chasing after Natsume, but he can’t be caught. Being caught would ruin everything, and would make his selfish act even more selfish. He shoves the mask back into Kusami’s face, and takes off.

You'd think he'd be a bit happier to have finally confessed his feelings but he just looks miserable.

Natsume has been very selfish now. He didn’t have to grab Mikan. He could’ve borrowed anybody and lost. Does it matter if he wins? He’s not Kusami. He could’ve just gotten the race over with and run away, but instead he played along, because he wanted to confess. He’s never been so honest in his life. He wants her to know he loves her, even if she doesn’t know who “he” is. And if he gets caught, then Mikan will know for a fact that Natsume Hyuuga loves her, and everything he’s done so far--hyping up Ruka, distancing himself, being cruel to protect her, allowing Luna to cling to him--will have been for nothing. She’ll know it was all a ruse, and then she’ll be open to all sorts of dangers. But he risks it, because he just can’t hide it anymore. He always has to hide, always has to pretend, always has to sacrifice his own feelings for the sake of others. This time, he’ll say exactly what he means, made all the more easier by the fact that there’s a mask on his face.

He’s done something like this before, particularly when he kissed Mikan on Christmas.

And the Christmas kiss is nothing compared to this: an actual love confession. The kiss was just that, and he had plenty of excuses for why he’d kiss her. It wasn’t because he loved her, no way! It was because she kept saying the other one didn’t count. Or maybe he just wanted to know what it felt like. That’s all. The excuses were just another mask to hide behind.

What excuse could he possibly give for a love confession that a panel of mind-reading judges corroborated? If he’s caught, she will know.

All his tiny instances of selfishness are smaller examples of the same idea: he lets himself be affectionate for once. He can say he prefers her with her hair down, or hug her during the SA class labyrinth, or cuddle with her when he’s having a nightmare, just this one time, and then he’ll give up for good. She won’t notice. It won’t have an effect. It won’t have consequences. He’ll give up for good after; he’ll just do this one selfish thing and then never again. But he can’t give it up, and eventually Christmas happens. He kisses her, unloading so much affection into one action, as if he’s trying to just get it over with. He’ll just get all his love out with one kiss and then he’ll be okay to watch her fall in love with anybody else but him.

But he can’t. He can’t stop doing these little selfish things. He can’t suffocate his love and leave it to die, hidden and smothered like a skeleton in a closet. Despite his every attempt to kill it, to hide it, to pretend like it’s not important, it has only grown stronger. He loves her more and more everyday, and the more he loves her, the harder it is to pretend like he doesn’t care if he never gets what he wants.

He wants to be with her. He wants to kiss her and protect her openly. He wants to sit next to her in class and smile with her. He wants to spend time with her and be on her team for school events. He wants to hold her hand and tell her he loves her.

He doesn’t want to give it all up and wreck his own chances.

The longer he’s loved Mikan, the harder it’s been to be selfless like this. The yearning has only gotten stronger, and now it takes all his power to be cruel to her. What used to come naturally, like being cold and distant and insulting her, has become difficult. What comes naturally to him now is to confess his love or hold her hand or be around her.

Despite the fact that Natsume was the only person who seems to have borrowed the correct person for the race, the White team still loses, on account of him not actually being Kusami.

At the end of the chapter, he sits alone, brooding in a tree.

He hasn’t been caught, so his actions have no consequences for now. He can sit there and mourn what could have been. He can’t be with Mikan, let alone confess his feelings. This was just an excuse to live out a fantasy. He wants to be loud about his feelings, not muffle them. But this is Natsume we’re talking about. He never gets what he wants. And in his opinion, he shouldn’t because Ruka deserves a happy ending way more. And Mikan would never love him back anyway. Ruka would be better for her.

This is just another instance of Natsume promising himself that he’ll do one more selfish thing before he gives up forever. But we know he’s bad at keeping his word, and this is no exception.

Chapter Eighty-Five

Before Mikan can confront Natsume about the borrowing race, Luna steps in, covering for him, claiming she was watching with him from the bleachers during the race. She clings to his arm and drags him off, spurring even more rumors that he and Luna are an item.

She's so violent with him for really no reason.

He tells her to get off, but she reminds him that she’s just done him a favor (though it’s really just a favor to herself). She grabs his hand and holds it tight, and again people get the wrong idea. It’s interesting how such physically painful things come across as romantic to the people around them, who think that Luna is simply holding his hand. Natsume’s persistent look of misery and apathy doesn’t deter people at all from rumors that he’s dating her. After all, Luna is clinging to him with a smile on her face and he’s not doing anything to peel her off, so it must mean they have feelings for each other. Natsume has been so good at hiding his feelings, that nobody--not even the girl he really loves--knows what it looks like when he’s loving and affectionate to somebody. They think he's into Luna, and can't see that what he really needs is help.

Chapter Eighty-Six

Luna has just arranged a terrifying fall for Mikan, knowing she’d use her alice as a knee-jerk reaction to save herself, thus causing others to think she did it for the attention. Mikan could’ve been seriously injured, or worse, and is definitely in trouble now, so Natsume is furious.

He confronts Luna, and the only thing stopping him from hurting her is that he could put Mikan in even more danger by doing so. But Luna is remorseless, giggling that she had no choice but to threaten Mikan. After all, she’s just doing what the principal said they’d do. Mikan should have been put in Persona’s custody in the DA class immediately following the Hana Hime party incident, but Natsume’s sacrifices have allowed her to skate by. Luna is there to observe and punish what she perceives as bad behavior, and anything less than abject misery from Mikan is bad behavior to her.

She warns Natsume: if he really wants to protect Mikan, then he’ll make sure she’s hated. That way, she won’t be in danger.

Powerlessness.

Natsume can’t go around confessing his love to her with a mask on anymore. He needs to sacrifice their relationship entirely in order to keep her safe. And so he does.

He’s sitting on a bench, surrounded by his classmates. Permy is adamantly defending Mikan. These rumors that Mikan fell on purpose for the attention are obviously stemming from Luna, who has the whole class wrapped around her finger. She turns to Natsume, looking for back-up, but Natsume has been told clearly what to do in order to really protect Mikan, and it has nothing to do with standing up for her against these rumors.

Instead, he says that it’s best not to be involved with Mikan anymore. He doesn’t want to see her or hear about her anymore, and he doesn’t want to associate with anyone who associates with her. He tries to give off the impression that he hates her, that he’s disgusted by her.

Then he sees that she’s been there all along, listening.

This is almost like the scene where he tells her he hates everything about her. He’s doing the hard thing to protect her. He’s lying, willing to hurt her, willing to be the villain, if it means she’s in the light and out of the dark.

But this is different.

Mikan could take it before. She yelled back that she hated him too, just as much, and even though that was a lie, it was still something she was able to say. She could argue and fight. This time she crumbles and runs away.

And he’s different too. Before, he could walk away, resolute and determined. Knowing that she’ll be better off this way was enough for him. He didn’t even look back. This time, he can’t leave things like that.

After all, last time was easier. He didn’t think she actually liked him back then. It would really only hurt him. He knows better now. Mikan cares about him, and it doesn’t matter what shape that care takes. It only matters that hearing Natsume call her worthless brings her to tears now, and that’s enough for him to feel way more conflicted.

This time, he apologizes.

He doesn't say he's sorry, but he's saying he's sorry.

He finds Kusami, steals his mask once again, never saying one word to a kid who has been generously keeping his secret for him. He runs after Mikan, and when he finally catches up to her, he hugs her.

Wearing the mask while hugging her is like wearing a raincoat in a hurricane. It won’t change anything or protect him at all. In fact, all he’s doing is giving her confirmation that it’s him, but he doesn’t care.

He doesn’t want her to think he hates her. He can’t stand it anymore. He’s sorry and he didn’t mean it.

He hugs her and this is different from his selfish hugs during the RPG or when he was having a nightmare. Those were little stolen moments for him to remember. He could take them from Mikan and cherish them as precious memories, even if she never thought of them again. This one is different. This one is for her, to comfort her, to apologize.

It’s all the things he can’t say. I didn’t mean it. Sorry. I have to do this. I really do care about you, I promise. It’s not real. Luna’s making me do this.

But before she can turn around to look at him, he leaves again.

He knows, because of Luna’s warning, that Mikan’s life will only get harder. He wants to help her, but by helping her, he’s placing himself further from her, making it harder for him to protect her in the future. If he’s distant from her to keep Luna at bay, then he’s not around to protect her from Luna in the storeroom, or during the cheerleading competition.

It’s what one might call a Catch-22. No matter what he chooses, he loses. And the worst part is that so does Mikan.

Conclusion

Natsume isn't an active participant in the last few chapters of this arc, so this is how I'll wrap the meta here. In the next arc there will be much to say about him. The Sports Fest went deep into Natsume's love for Mikan. It's not surprising that his love inspires selflessness. Natsume will always put others in front of himself and the more he loves someone, the more fervent he is about self-sacrifice. The truly beautiful thing about Natsume's love for Mikan is that it inspires selfishness too. And I never mean selfish as bad when I'm talking about Natsume. His love for Mikan is special in that it makes him want things for himself too.

I'm having doubts about being able to post tomorrow, so I apologize for only two posts this week. Expect normal posting next week at the very least! This essay is probably more than halfway through already, though I can't say for sure how much is left. Where I am now in terms of essay-writing is already deep in the Time-Travel Arc and as a result there's entire chapters I've skipped. Like. Seven in a row at times. Yikes. So basically we're pretty far in!

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[ukaiknowsbest]

i know i am 6 years too late in replying to this post by @gintamajustaway but if i may add my 2 cents here even if the original anon wasn't even talking about Silver Soul Arc yet.

Personally I was surprised by the Otae's lack of action in Silver Soul arc. She often got overshadowed by Sarutobi, Tsukuyo, Pirako and Kyuubei when they arrived. However it got me thinking that Otae's main purpose in silver soul arc was mainly leading the defense and protecting/leading the other cabaret girls until the end. I did wish to see more of her martial prowess but I also get that the safety of the cabaret girls was her top priority and she couldn't just swing her naginata recklessly like the rest of the fighters.

It was then I realized that Otae and Shinpachi almost seem to have similar roles as being the "weaker" fighters in the company of experts/monsters such as Kagura, Gintoki, Sarutobi, Tsukuyo and Kyuubei. think about it:

Kagura is a one man army,

Gintoki was literally a war general,

Sarutobi is the vice commander of the Oniwabanshu, the shogunate's main protectors

Tsukuyo is the general of citizen's army for the dangerous red light district

Kyuubei is the heir of one of the most trusted samurai clans of the shogunate and basically leads their own private army

Pirako is the heir to the biggest yakuza factions in kabukichou

Shinpachi and Otae, while strong in their own right and during peace time don't hold as much power and prestige as the rest.

The Shimuras are basically backwater samurais just like Kondou's Shinsengumi. Given time and enough experience it wouldn't be a stretch for Otae to develop her female army into killing machines just like how kondou/hijikata had years to develop the shinsengumi into a formidable police force. Bottomline is Otae's real skill is in leadership and defense. I bet she was the one who hastily gave crash courses in naginata techniques to the rest of the cabaret girls who should not even have any combat experience in the first place. Otae was the only expert leading amateur naginata corps and she had to make sure all of them were safe. More than anything, she had to keep a cool head at all times and desperately hold on until reinforcements came. Otae's strength isn't in combat but it is in being a general in the last line of defense. I think she's basically Otose's protege of some sort. Remember how Otose acted more like a Matsudaira's counterpart in organizing/planning the guerilla tactics that kabukichou people participated in. Otae played similar roles to Saigo and the Yakuza boss in her own way. Gintama is a shonen anime and it is normal for people to be bedazzled by fancy intense fight scenes and long winded speeches. Hence we can understand Tsukuyo and Kyuubei's intense popularity. However what I don't see being discussed often is how Gintama has such an excellent depiction of war. It has got vanguards, rear guards, cavalry, scouts, supply and logistics, baggage train, guerilla warfare, pillaging, looting, reinforcements, negotiations, diplomatic endeavors, court/political drama, destabilization, paying off tribute and sht, the list goes on.

What I'm trying to say is that Otae and the rest of kabukichou represents one aspect of war, which is the normal citizens fighting back with what little they can offer. They're the real victims that got embroiled in senseless war. They're as important as the war general and leaders who're usually the ones who make it into history books.

Moreover, In historical wars, losing the baggage train (which consist of soldiers' families, belongings, loots, mobile home, lives) is one of the most devastating things that can happen and have caused loss of morale and desertion throughout the centuries. Edo/Kabukichou is the gang's metaphorical "baggage train" and "country they want to return". Otae's real purpose is being part of the last defense for this home. It fits her and Otose's character the most, being the place everyone is trying to protect and can come home to. I think that is pretty profound.

EDIT 11/22/2021 I only found out a few days ago that IN THE MANGA the other cabaret girls with Otae in Four Devas arc were equipped with brooms, not naginatas. In Silver Sour Arc, only Otae was armed, while the Cabaret girls didn't bring any weapons. This continues to drive home my point. Otae was the only available Naginata user helping Kabukichou. That makes the success of her leadership towards the cabaret girls in times of strife and war much crazier.

[scripttorture]

My setting is a fantasy historical setting set roughly around the late 1800s to early 1900s that focuses on a fantasy species currently subjugated by humanity. They're generally forced to serve on the front lines of an ongoing war, in part because they're seen as "not people" and "repairable". A major antagonist is a human member of the military who is officially supposed to be treating their injuries but who has the blanket approval of the government to do what he feels is best. (medical 1/2)

As a result, he often purposefully lets soldiers die or lie there in agony if he feels they've been disrespectful or disobedient to him- death is not permanent for this species, so he isn't really wasting soldiers. His motivations are both to have a more "obedient" army and some degree of bigotry from being raised with the idea that these beings' lives don't matter. (medical 2/3) Would the withholding of medical treatment by a government official be torture if it were motivated by similar motives to most torturers (ie political difference, belonging to a specific group, wanting obedience/information)? Do you have any advice on this setting or story? Thanks in advance! (medical 3/3)

-

I think that this fits with a lot of the general pattern of how torture occurs but- My instinct is that the legal definition probably matters less in this case.

 In terms of the time period I think this is before our world had international laws against torture. It’s before this sort of thing was codified in a standardised fashion. This doesn’t change the effects but it does change things like- what a culture views as torture.

 In our terms? Yes I think this meets the legal definition of torture. It’s conducted by a government official who has power over/responsibility for, these victims. He knows his actions are causing pain. And he’s doing it to punish them, individually and collectively, which is one of the possible motivations listed in anti-torture law.

 That means that it’s likely the research I talk about is relevant to what you’re writing.

 But we shouldn’t ignore cultural views of particular practices. By which I mean that commonly held unethical views impact your world building and characters.

 This pattern of individual and collective punishment was common in most armies historically and is still used today. Forced exercise as punishment has led to deaths in UK army training facilities and (prosecuted as such or not) this is torture. Whippings, beatings, stress positions and starvation have all been used historically to ‘punish’ members of the military. In fact much of today’s clean torture might come from European military punishments.

 (Side note, the origin of any one particular torture is incredibly hard to trace and since they are simplistic it’s likely they don’t have one standard point of origin.)

 As general advice- I think it’s worth considering what these subjugated people get from being part of the army.

 There have been a lot of historical cases where subjugated people and second class citizens were an integral part of a country’s armed forces. But if violence and threats are the only ‘reasons’ for participation then the results are unlikely to be positive.

 If you’re aiming for a system with a reasonable ‘success’ rate (we are taking success to be a non-human who is an obedient part of this army and makes a reasonable effort to fulfil most of their duties) then I think there should be some kind of benefit to the soldiers themselves.

 It doesn’t have to be a big positive and you can use it to highlight just how shit their general situation is.

 I’ve got a broadly similar scenario in one of my stories: with a fantasy sub-class that’s strongly associated with the armed forces.

 The reasoning that I came up with was that life was genuinely better for them as part of the military. They were systematically barred from ordinary jobs and housing, the other main employment option open to them was a particularly dangerous form of mining and without some sort of patron they were routinely attacked and harassed. The military consistently provided shelter, food and a higher degree of comfort/security then the other options open to them.

 In contrast to the mines, where their kind routinely went unfed and were typically dumped on the street when too injured to work, the military looked like a ‘good’ option. Not so much ‘positive’ as ‘better then the typical alternatives’.

 I’d encourage you to think of similar back-handed ‘benefits’ in your story. Better food, better pay, perks that benefit their family, something that gives an understandable reason for these people to stick around.

 I’d caution against trying to make it completely impossible for them to escape or refuse orders because that’s never the case in reality and doing that makes these people… well less human, less relatable.

 For analogous situations in real military organisations you might want to look up the British Empire’s sepoys and the role of black soldiers such as Thomas-Alexandre Dumas* and the men who served under him in European armies.

 In the sort of environment you’re building up I think that a lot of these supernatural people would know about what this doctor is like. They might not know the specifics of what he does, but the rumour mill is likely to make it clear he does something bad.

 This doesn’t mean that characters will always be able to avoid him and it doesn’t mean every character would hear the rumours. But people in these situations, where an abusive figure is in an entrenched position of power, do try to warn each other.

 It’s common for people in these situations to try and help each other and try to resist. The methods available to them are often small and sometimes ineffective but I think it’s important to try and capture the attempt.

 One of the things I’ve noticed in fiction that uses abusive situations with this kind of hierarchy is that there’s a tendency to ignore any action that isn’t obvious and violent. You occasionally write about the victims attacking abusers or enablers and we write about escape attempts. But we generally ignore other smaller acts. Sabotaging equipment or plans, victims educating each other, helping each other, prayer, ‘magic’, keeping illegal traditions alive.

 I think cutting out these smaller acts can flatten the portrayal of victims. It presents a false binary of responses: passive acceptance or violent resistance. And that makes resistance appear much rarer then it is in reality.

 In situations like the one you describe survival and self expression can be forms of resistance.

 If you’re not writing about a real world group of people then I think concerted historical research in that area is less important. By which I mean: if you’re showing a fictional group then you want to capture the kind of responses that happen in this situation rather then say specific aspects of Cuban culture and history.

 I’ve found reading about the history of black resistance to slavery in the new world a really good starting point for understanding… well how people respond in systematically awful abusive situations. That’s partly because it is really well studied and recorded. (And also available in a variety of languages). I’m not sure what to recommend as a good starting point though. James’ The Black Jacobins is traditional, I also liked Barcias’ West African Warfare in Brazil and Cuba but it’s been a while since I read it and the focus was violent resistance.

 People keep their humanity even in terrible environments and I think it’s important to try and capture that.

 For the doctor himself there are two sources I’d suggest looking at. The first (somewhat inevitably) is the appendices of Fanon’s The Wretched of the Earth where he describes two torturers he treated for mental health problems. The second is The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks.

 I’m suggesting that as well because of the examples it gives of doctors who were definitely not acting in the best interests of their patients. The focus of the book is the origin of the HeLa cell line, the standard cell line in all medical testing. It isn’t an exaggeration to say that Henrietta Lacks’ cells changed medicine and the production of pharmaceuticals forever. Research on these cancer cells has done immeasurable good.

 They were also taken from a dying black woman in America without her consent. People have made billions off of these cells while the Lacks family never received a penny.

 And doctors have done indefensibly dangerous things with them.

 I think having a look at both will help you find a way to frame this doctor’s personality and the way he justifies his actions. Because while he is a torturer there are more discussions of that in a policing or military context then there are in a medical one.

 I’ve found that discussions of doctors as torturers tend towards a different set of tropes. They’re more likely to assume that the abuse is an experiment, without questioning whether the record keeping, accounting for variables etc is strict enough to yield meaningful results. They also tend to portray the torturer as ‘charming’. And there can be significant ableist ideas (anti-disability and anti mental illness prejudice) built into the story.

 The kind of situation you’ve outlined is already pretty realistic in a lot of respects: this is the kind of situation where you see doctors acting as torturers.

 But it’s also not how authors tend to approach writing doctors as torturers. Which means I’m not sure what to add. I think you’ve already avoided most of the usual traps by virtue of how you’ve constructed the setting.

 Overall I think this a pretty solid idea. It has enough similarities to real world historical situations that it feels ‘real’. And there are plenty of sources to draw from. It brings in fantasy elements in a way that I think is really interesting, almost playing out generational trauma within the same generation. And it feels like an original situation. I don’t often see doctors used in this way or the combination of period and fantasy elements you’re proposing.

 I think it’s going to be a very interesting story and I wish you the best of luck. :)

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Disclaimer

*No not that Dumas, his dad. The other one.