#like theres almost nothing in the universe i wouldnt speak abt pretty openly | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

doebt · 5 years ago

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AND THE WORST PART THAT I DONT EVEN WANT TO ACKNOWLEDGE is that if i cant find anything to READ that hits me in my emotions hard enough i will just go look at pics of rly disturbing gore and THAT hits me in the spot right next to wherever the emotions happen. which is close enough. BUT. THAT CANT BE HEALTHY LOL. RIGHT

#im PRETTY SURE and i always try to rationalise my super weird bad brain things like this when its probably beyond my understanding but #im PRETTY sure its bc when i see pics of like. deep wounds or bruises or broken bones or whatever. my empathy levels are so insanely high #that its like i can feel it. like i would swear on my life i feel just a ghost of whatever pain im looking at #and feeling THAT isnt the same as feeling an emotion but its feeling something anyway and thats better than nothing #ugh. its so hard #i ahte being me lol its so hard for real. im so sooo deeply ashamed of like. the dark parts of my mind like this #i think abt pain and violence literally all the time lol like CONSTANTLY. constantly #ik intrusive thoughts are pretty accepted now and its like. common and everyone has them #but its literally like voices in my head screaming at me to bite my fingers off or dig that vein out of my wrist with pliers #i dont ever feel like im actually GOING to do it though bc ik my self preservation instinct is too intact #but its like. constant bros...i guess not when im sleeping or when im SUPER immersed into a movie or something #but. near constantly. i HATE it #i also get it with animals. which im nto going to talk abt bc thats like. so much worse. but its there #and im too ashamed abt all this to talk abt it with a therapist lol or w anyone personally #the only reason i can talk abt it here is bc its like im talking to myself and i dont care what MYSELF thinks of myself #and it sucks bc im ashamed of like. almost nothing #like theres almost nothing in the universe i wouldnt speak abt pretty openly #ok im digressing so hard. basicallyt i hate whatever is in my mind driving this thing #ask to tag

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