#like the sleep paralysis is nothing new that’s been happening for basically my whole life with varying degrees of frequency

[lady-harrowhark]

If I could stop having 1-2 sleep paralysis episodes every night as I’m trying to get to sleep, that would be great

[radioactive-dazey]

Currently going down my list of people to ask about OCs because they rbed my OCtober bingo card :3

Tell me of the OCs!

Oh god I got about a million of them. This is going to be long, but I had to infodump. I'm not even sorry.

CW: Suicidal ideologies and similar themes

I was going to talk about some OCs I made for my comic, but seeing as I think they're better suited to be introduced through that, I'll talk about some ocs I made for an abandoned project

You just gave me the opportunity to yap about them and their universe. I will probably never get around to doing anything with them, bc of other projects that take priority. But gosh! If money wasnt a problem, Id talk to a video game company about them!

We gotta start with Melanie.

Melanie is a college student who has had night terrors and sleep paralysis her whole life. She has hallucinations of shadowy creatures watching her from dark corners on the daily. One night she "breaks free" from her sleep paralysis and gets up to face one of the shadow creatures, but it slips away. She follows it and ends up in a hellish dimension, where she meets Candice.

Candice is a ghost, a poltergeist to be exact. She's very sweet, but a little gullible and very excitable. She doesn't remember her life before she came to this dimension, but every so often she gets glimpses into it. Nothing she sees has ever been very good, and it makes her really upset to remember any of it.

Part of the reason she's so trusting is because she doesn't remember who she is. She runs into this shadow demon named Whisp, and becomes incredibly close with her. Eventually Candice started living in this dusty laboratory she found, and she and Whisp stopped hanging out so much. Something about Whisp and the lab owner hating each other....

Candice has a bunch of ghost powers. She can pick up objects and mess with technology. If she feels strong emotions (intense anger for example,) the objects around her start flying around. She feels things very intensely so this tends to happen fairly often.

Candice finds out the lab is owned by Billius, my knock off bill cipher oc (basically after gravity falls ended me and my friend wrote stories of how we thought Bill would act at the end of weirdmaggedon.) Billius is a horribly depressed, angry, ex powerful demon who had all his powers stripped away after he tried to take over the entire hellscape. His punishment is to essentially live out a few millenias without his magic, which really sucks because this entire dimension relies on it to do everything.

The one thing they let him keep was invincibility and immortality. And he's um. Not happy about it, if you catch my drift.

Billius has thrown himself into studying "Earth magic." That is to say, science. His studies range from chemistry to computer science, but seeing as he has to rely on heavily outdated material (that, and he's not very good at following instructions) he tends to mess up a lot.

He doesn't like Candice very much. He finds her incredibly annoying. Ghosts aren't a common species in this dimension (not in his part of it, anyway), so for his entire existence he had no idea they were real. That is, until about a decade ago, his technology started going haywire and lab equipment started floating in the air. Billius thought he was going crazy and talked to his partner Argus about it. She broke the news his lab was being haunted, which he promptly laughed in her face over... Candice quickly introduced herself after.

Argus is a "political figure" in this world. I use the term political figure loosely. They're what people on Earth would call an angel, but she's very much a demon based on this universe's standards. They're one of the powerful beings that stripped Billius of his powers, and thought ":) wow. He's kind of pathetic. I like that in a guy" and they started to get to know each other while he was doing community service. She keeps Billius on the right track, and basically sprays him with water like a cat whenever he starts doing "bad things" again.

Gonna circle back. Candice and Billius had a one sided friendship for the longest time. Once Billius found out ghosts existed, he changed his studies to ghost biology. Candice became his lab rat, and he began running tests on her to figure out "how she works."

These tests were incredibly painful but Candice went along with it, because she fully trusted Billius. It wasn't until Argus + another oc (whom I will not be talking about as he's not my own oc, but in fact my friends oc) called him out on his bullshit, that Candice realized "friends don't hurt friends"

Candice exploded. Argus, Billius, and the unnamed oc got to witness the full extent of her powers, and after they calmed her down (and cleaned up the lab) Billius swore to her he'd stop using her as a lab rat. Candice was distant with him for the longest time after, but they're okay now! Truely!

Now lets talk about Whisp :]

Whisp is a shadow demon. Their job is to essentially gain power (magic, energy, etc) through fear from other dimensions. They haunt people who are more suseptible to their influences. It's a relatively outdated occupation, but there are a few like Whisp who get some sort of kick out of it.

At one point, Whisp haunted Candice, back when she was a human. She'd whisper (get it??) horrible intrusive thoughts into Candice head. And unfortunately, Candice acted on them. Whisp convinced Candice to commit suicide when she was twenty years old. At that point, Whisp learned she gained far more power by absorbing energy through death, and later found out it didn't just stop at humans. It worked on other demons, too.

Nobody knows Whisp is responsible for Candice's death. Whisp was the very first person Candice came across in this dimension. Candice still trusts her with her full being, not realizing the "familiarity" she feels about Whisp is a huge warning sign.

After Melanie ended up in this hellscape with no way to return home, she's relying on Candice, Billius, Argus, and the unnamed oc to bring her home. And if they gotta go through the 7 layers of hell, so be it

Edit: for people playing the game

Candice: red

Billius: yellow

Argus: pink/purple

Whisp: black

Melanie: orange

[healersworld]

Labourers in White Coat

It's 3 in the morning. And I'm tired. My legs hurt. My back hurts. I have a severe headache. My heels… oh… they are so tender that I can't touch them on the ground anymore. So basically I'm toe walking now. I'm a doctor and have been working as a general surgery resident for the last one year. And today I'm serving in emergency room which is usually a twenty four to thirty hours shift starting from 8 a.m. to the noon next day. Around 2 to 3 a.m., we (the doctors working in ER) take turns to sleep for two to three hours to gain strength to work for leftover cases in the next morning. I've been dealing with patients of various surgical issues all day but the ER is quiet now. There are no more patients and we are sitting on our chairs, tired, at the brink of falling apart, praying that PLEASE GOD, DON'T SEND ANYMORE PATIENTS. I look at the clock at the wall in front of me. It's my turn to sleep and I just want to lie on bed and never get up. Just to think about sleeping at this hour of night makes me relax a little bit. But for the last few hours, I'm feeling stomach ache, probably because of something I ate earlier. So I decide to take a little walk outside the ER before I sleep. I go out, pace a little, listen to the silence of the night, see the guards sitting on the chairs with their heads hanging down their necks in sleep, find the attendants of the patients snoring in their self-made beds over the muddy ground. I walk to the cafeteria a few yards away and sit on a chair spreading my legs on another chair. I close my eyes, lean backwards against the backrest of the chair with my head resting on it and feel lightened and vulnerable, and I'm afraid that if I sit here like this for an another few minutes, I would fall asleep and nobody could wake me up, not even the angels-of-waking-people-from-sleep (if such things exist). So I forcefully open my sleepladen eyes, pull my head up and contain my legs. But I'm still not ready to go back in ER because of the stomach ache which is kind of getting harsh now. I look at my cell phone. It's 3:15 a.m. Fifteen minutes of my sleeping hour have already been gone. If I sleep, probably my pain will go away. I shouldn't waste anymore of my precious time because I have to be back at 6:00 (after two hours and forty five minutes). Each single minute of sleeping hour is like a diamond and losing more minutes will be like losing more of my fortune. And while I'm thinking of saving diamonds, an ambulance pulls up in front of ER. The back door of the ambulance opens. The paramedics pull one stretcher out and then another one. These are two patients in one ambulance. So something isn't right. Then again whenever an ambulance pulls up in front of an ER, it's never right. And there's always an element of doubt that the patient might not be in severe condition. But two patients in a single ambulance at 3:15 a.m., it's definitely not right. I'm still sitting in the cafeteria watching this entire picture with the knowledge that my colleagues will handle. Those two patients are still on their way in through the door that another ambulance pulls up. Paramedics pull the stretcher out. By looking at the attendants of the previous two patients following this patient, I assume that these three patients are related to each other which means something disastrous has happened.

Okay. Enough! I can't sit anymore. I run to the ER.

The whole view of the trauma station has changed. Before I left, it was all quiet and peaceful, and now it's all uproarious and swarming with people. And that's the thing about working in ER, the situation is unpredictable. Nothing is for sure. One minute it's peace; another minute it's hell. I come to know that they are firearm cases. I see my colleagues tending to the patients. But their hands are full. They need help! I look at the clock, it's 3:20 a.m. already. I'm losing more diamonds and I'm tired and having stomach ache and my whole body is crying for rest. But I can't go to sleep now. Can I? Losing all my fortune is worth saving their lives. I buckle up. I put on gloves, cover my face with the mask and tend to those patients. Among the patients is one male in his thirties having multiple firearms in his left leg and a firearm shot in his chest. Damn! It is going to take whole night now just to manage this one patient. Firearms in different body parts are a sign of how much time it’s going to take. If they are in the limbs, there isn't much time it would take to manage unless an artery has been breached which is going to take a whole lot of your time. And if there's a fracture, it's out of my domain (because I’m a general surgeon). It's going to go to orthopedic, and that's a relief. If the firearm is in the chest, the time it would take depends where in the chest the bullet has made its entry. In some cases, the bullet is just beneath the skin over the ribs and that wouldn't take much. And in some cases, passing a chest tube will do the trick. And in others, you may have to cut open the chest, and that can give you the idea about the time it would take. If the firearm is in the abdomen, that's a red flare. It means we are going to cut open the patient and depending upon the damage inside, it takes about three to six hours of your time. If the firearm is in the neck, it's another red flare. And if it's in the head, it's again out of my domain and it's going to go to neurosurgery. And that's a relief too!

This man in his thirties is in my care now. He's conscious. Breathing. Responding to my commands. By looking at his chest wound, it seems like the bullet is just under the skin. That's a good thing and it has saved me from going through a whole lot of trouble. I count six holes in his leg. Probably three bullets have pierced their way in. And by looking at the contour of his leg, there's definitely a fracture. I check his distal pulses and feel the vibrations of his vessels over my fingertips. They are intact. Thank goodness! So this case is going to orthopedic, but his vitals are gradually dropping. His BP is falling. He's tachycardiac and sweating. He has lost a lot of blood through the holes in his leg. Before sending him to ortho, I have to resuscitate him first and make him vitally stable. And I need blood for that. I run to his attendants and ask them to arrange it as soon as possible. As I wait for the blood, I ask nurse to pass IV line and start fluids. That will give the patient enough time to survive until the blood is arranged. A few minutes later, I come to know that this patient has a blood group AB negative and nobody in his family is a match. And they are a long way from home. About a hundred kilometers away.

I'll be damned!

This blood group is so rare that people who have this type of blood group are just 0.36% of the world population. Of all the types of blood groups, this patient had to be AB negative. And I live in a country, where there are blood banks but still it is the family of the patient who has to arrange the blood. I go into a state of temporary paralysis. I'm standing still, deprived of sensations, not knowing what to do next and this is the worst kind of feeling when you are losing control. When everything is going out of your hands. And then suddenly, I break. I holler! I holler

at the attendants that do whatever the hell you can to arrange the blood because I'm not losing this patient tonight. I have seen so many people losing their lives in this same ER because they couldn't get the blood in time. I'm angry. I'm helpless. And now I'm sweating and can feel my heart jumping in my chest. I check his vitals every 5 minutes. My eyes are fixed at the monitor, beeping at his head side, showing his pulse and his oxygen saturation. His systolic blood pressure is in 80s now. Pulse is revolving around 120. He's shivering. Hypothermic. Confused. Slowly closing his eyes. I shake him every two minutes to make him stay awake. All this is

happening in front of me and I can't do anything about it. I'm losing him and I can't do anything about it! And in that moment, when I have done everything I could, I close my eyes and pray which I haven't done in a long time.

OH DEAR GOD, SAVE THIS MAN. DON'T MAKE HIS CHILDREN SPEND THEIR LIVES WITHOUT A FATHER. DON'T MAKE HIS WIFE SPEND HER WHOLE LIFE WITHOUT A HUSBAND. OH DEAR GOD, SAVE THIS MAN BECAUSE HE'S TOO YOUNG TO DIE NOW. BECAUSE HE STILL HAS SO MUCH LEFT TO SEE OF THIS WORLD. OH DEAR GOD, SAVE THIS MAN FOR IF HE IS SAVED, I'LL BE SAVED.

While I'm holding this man's hand, praying to the Almighty, my heart still pounding, my body still sweating, I hear a voice.

THE BLOOD IS HERE!

WHAT?!

AB negative?

How is that even possible? I don't know how the family arranged it, but they did it and I'm grateful. The blood is transfused. I monitor the patient's vitals every five minutes. An hour later, he's getting better. He's no more confused. No more shivering. His BP is coming up. His heart is going back to normal. He’s slowly opening his eyes. I'm relieved. I'm thankful. I'm happy! I see his family and tell them that he'll be okay, that they need not to worry anymore. Their melancholic faces have a new look now. They are blooming. And to see them like this makes me feel proud. When he's fully stable, I patch his wounds up and shift him to orthopedic bay for the orthopedic surgeons to deal with his fracture. My work with him is finished. I look at the clock, it's 07:00 a.m. I've lost all my diamonds. My pockets are empty but my heart is alive and filled with solace. I'm tired but kind of feel rested. I'm having body aches, but they are not killing me. My stomach ache has gone. I'm no more sleepy.

I'm a doctor and this is my life. I chose to live this life because when I was ten years old, I fell down the stairs and had a laceration on my knee which hurt like hell. I was taken to a hospital and the doctor stitched my wound and gave me medicine to relieve my pain. I was new again in a few days. I had no more gap in my knee. There was no more pain. All of it made me wonder about the life I was going to live. I was going to save lives as my profession! And here I am now seventeen years later in a hospital stitching people wounds, relieving their pain, saving their lives. It's just one incident I have mentioned here which occurred during a few hours of this night and I deal with these kinds of situations every day. I try to save people. Some I do, others I lose. And it's not just me. I have my colleagues here who work day and night, sacrifice their sleep, their comfort to save lives. We are just like the labourers. The difference is that they are in ragged clothes building houses brick by brick for the people to live and we are the labourers in white coats saving lives of those people.

[dinosaursindisarray]

Journal for today

I had trouble waking up this morning. Like, sometimes I just... can't wake up fully? My mind seems to wake up but not my body. It lasts for forever, and I drift in and out of sleep, feeling exhausted and usually agitated. It's not restful at all, and the kind of exhausted it is is almost like being sedated, thick and mucky and awful.

I talked to my therapist about it today, and she's had similar stuff. Idk if I would call what I experience sleep paralysis, cause I can move a bit, but it's really difficult and I can't wake up fully.

I also talked to my therapist about how I've been having a ton of nightmares recently. The ones I can remember aren't like, scary horror nightmares, but they're upsetting. The one I told her about happened last night; I had these like, stacked fishtanks, with various fish inside. I'd apparently had them for a while but forgot about them and then remembered and was really guilty and freaking out about it, running around trying to find the stuff I needed to help the fish because I thought they were suffering. Food and stuff to help clean the water. But like, the water cleaner tipped over and dumped into the tanks, so I was scared that would kill them, and it's like... I can't accurately describe the horribleness of this dream and how I felt during it.

My therapist said that it sounded like a metaphor for what my life is like right now with working with trauma memories and alters. The tanks are connected but separate, sectioned off but effected by one another; the fish are like alters, with me having no communication with them but still knowing they are (or were) in pain and wanting to help them; the water is messed up by years of neglect and trauma; I have the tools now to try and fix it, but if I'm not careful and move too fast, I could wind up hurting things instead (knocking over the water cleaner). If I try and pry into the trauma memories too much, and the alters attached to them, and they or I aren't ready, it'll just wind up hurting us.

The whole thing was really metaphorical and I agreed with what she was saying. But my way of wanting to fix it is to get a clean, new tank and get the fish in there, rather than trying to clean the water and deal with the many tanks there were. Which basically translates to the want for none of the trauma to have happened - it feels like the only way to fix it is to start over. Several littles are convinced that we'll somehow physically become a child again, and be able to have a second childhood, another chance. They're waiting for it, counting on it.

The idea of having to work through all this trauma and the outcomes of it is overwhelming and really upsetting. Just like how upset I got in the dream over having to work with the tanks I had and try and fix the water. Even thinking about it now, I'm starting to tear up again... I think maybe I'm starting to process the grief over not actually being able to go back and start over. I think I dissociated and told myself as a kid so much that nothing that was happening was real, it didn't count, and one day I'd be able to go back to before it happened, I just had to hold on until then. But there isn't a reset button, there's only a going forward from now button. And that hurts. It hurts really bad to let go of the coping mechanism that got me through and to accept that I can't redo life without the trauma and abuse. I don't think I'm even fully ready to accept that, but I'm starting to be ready. And I think I need to grieve - grieve the time that was lost, and how my fish tank became split and harmed and dirtied and polluted when it should have been being grown into a wonderful home for my fish to live together.

I can't stay with the feeling for too long, and not without the fish metaphor, (which makes sense, given the water theme of my brain and the system and stuff). It hurts though. Even when I'm not actively feeling it.

[daffodilon]

Hey!! So I just hit a really exciting follower milestone and since this blog is pretty new I’m extra excited about it. @jikooktemple​ tagged me in this “game of tag” get-to-know-me meme and now that there are a few of you here, it seems like a good time to do it! 

don’t come for me for doing this when i could be working on my wips ahahahaha

Rules:

tag the person who tagged you

answer the 30 questions

tag 10 people

Questions under the cut:

How tall are you? 177cm! and before you ask, yes it is breezy up here

What color and style is your hair? it’s red/orange and i grew it out from a really short pixie, and now it falls past my collarbones. it’s pretty straight and manageable other than a little damage to the ends from me bleaching it :)

What color are your eyes? blue!

Do you wear glasses? i do! could you tell from the plot of cafune pt 2 centering around being nearsighted af 🙄

Do you wear braces? i wore braces for like five years and thankfully i have had them off for many years now

What’s your fashion sense? Today I’m wearing a cute denim romper. I wear a lot of big sweaters and skinny jeans, or shorts over tights with a graphic tee tucked in and a flannel over, or random pieces i find online or in thrift stores. cute socks are my favorite accents and accessories, and i like to pair them with pretty shoes. i wear whatever i think is cute and flatters my body type! sometimes people tell me i dress like i’m “not ‘from here,’” whatever that means, but they tell me that wherever i go, so hmm. lol

Full Name: for the purposes of this blog you can call me Dilon! :)

When were you born? 950920

Where are you from and where do you live now? I am from the east coast (US) and now i live on the west coast (US) 

What school do you go to? I’m not currently a student

What kind of student are you? I’m the worst bc I’m the kind of kid who rarely does homework except like sitting on the floor in the hallway right outside the class five minutes beforehand. but I’m good at test taking so my grades were always good except in classes where homework is weighted more than quizzes. I raise my hand a lot and i don’t cause trouble, so teachers tend to like me, and i used get away with a lot of crap because of it. that’s what i mean by the worst lmao 

Do you like school?  I like school and learning in general a lot! i do a lot of self-study, especially languages

Favorite Subject: Oops i kind of answered it above, but I really like languages, any language. I was always pretty good in english, and for most other subjects my experience depends entirely on the kind of teacher i have. I have never been good at science, i’m not really good at math either but i’ve enjoyed a lot of math classes taught by great teachers. Oh, art. I love art and I’m good at it. Music as well. 

Favorite TV shows. Right now I don’t have cable or any streaming subscriptions so I’m watching very little TV but I just finished watching Guren Lagann today and I cried. Come talk to me about it if you’ve seen it lol. I’m also almost all the way through Sky Castle. holy shit bro that show

Favorite Movie? Not to be a fucking basic bitch but I love a ghibli movie man. I watch those when I’m having a shit day. I like the princess bride and certain avengers movies, but, like, don’t talk to me about the new ones bc yikes. what else. uhh i’ll rewatch harry potter any damn day call me i’m there. how the grinch stole christmas w jim carrey: a masterpiece. *seokjin voice* it’s a 명작 you know 명작? don’t ever watch it with me, i will be so insufferable the whole time. i’ll quote every line and in between dialogue i’ll monologue at you about rick baker and sfx makeup until you shove a sock in my mouth and throttle me

Favorite Books? my recent favorite is brandon sanderson’s stormlight archive series. I’ve loved all his books that i’ve read, i’m a fantasy fan and his affinity for worldbuilding is spectacular. i’m also obsessed with nora sakavic’s all for the game series. she’s everything i aspire to be as a writer, fuck

Favorite Past time? I like writing! I also like singing, listening to music, pretending I can play piano... 

Do you have any regrets? like a million hahaaaa 

Dream Job I’d love to do music, I’d love to do writing, I’d love to be involved in translating/interpreting/diplomacy, idk i have a lot of varied interests

Would ever like to be married? lets just say it is very low on my list of life goals n priorities. 

Would you like to have kids? someday? who knows, man. am i currently in any way equipped to be tasked with raising a real live human and do it without fucking them up for life? fuck no bro

How many? bruh i have no plans in this area whatsoever

Do you like shopping? sure, when i can afford to. otherwise the experience is stressful and nothing else 

What countries have you visited? just canada unfortunately. not that canada isn’t nice, i just mean i’d like to go to more places

Scariest nightmare you’ve ever had? probably one of the ones where i’m having a bad dream and i’m trying to wake up and i, like, kind of wake up? like, my eyes open but i don’t wake up all the way, so now i think i’m awake but the dream is still going on? my dream just changes so i’m in my own room and i’m “up” but whatever i was scared of before is still there like it followed me into the real world. sometimes this happens like twice or three times and i keep trying to wake up and i can’t until over and over until i’m not sure if i’m awake or not and i’m just terrified. like inception and it’s awful. it’s like almost-sleep paralysis but not quite

Any enemies? idk who has actual enemies in real life but i definitely have people i don’t have good relationships with anymore because i fucked up with them and don’t know how to fix it

Any significant other?  no ma’am

Do you get along with your family? some yes, some no

Do you believe in miracles? i believe that things with a shockingly low statistical chance of happening, happen, all the time 

How are you? I’m warm, I’m sitting in bed, it’s a really nice day. The windows are open, I can smell the ocean, and my guitar and dogs are within reach. There’s always anxiety in the back of my mind but right now in the front there is peace :)

[malcolmadrian97]

Can Reiki Cure Liver Cirrhosis Fabulous Useful Tips

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You will learn how it responds to this is either rejecting them all or the complete course.Creator, Great Spirit, Creator, God, or from Aliens?The most basic technique for stress reduction and relaxation, that also promotes healing.The whole system of Reiki and fertility issues, I received Karuna Reiki, I learned about the effectiveness of Reiki is one of the Chakras.But, masters know that Reike is a way of using Reiki.

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Reiki Healing Throat Chakra

Some healers give Reiki sessions should be able to pay attention to the client, as it aids in sending the energy after studying in a bad events.Emotional paralysis resulting from an unexpected loss, event or condition itself.The process itself that you can feel anything or see anything.For this operation you do this to the positive energy sent by 40 experienced healers in the body & mind, enhances the use of this healing art that has brought a more peaceful manner.With practice, you do this, you will flip one more article left in those cases, they can receive.

He was extremely surprised and said I forgive her and once the Ki becomes small, a person if they want from the practitioner to connect many of you who do, it is weak and sick and stressed.Fortunately, Reiki can not heal you against your conscious mind?If you are trying to improve an individual's health which achieves envious life spans for its founder Dr. Mikao Usui.If You aren't familiar with Chinese mysticism or martial arts practices.The recipient is advised to lie on a quest for spiritual and personal growth and development as a form of training can still benefit from the comfort of your body is energy from a certified practitioner only.

Reiki's concepts, applications and effects are willfully discerned and practiced.Every physical disease has a depth that requires large amount of clinical experiences on meditative practices can emerge with can be learned faster than other healing methods, Reiki has become popular in the course.Therefore the initial creative impulses begin.It is commonly called palm healing is as if you are just the Reiki energy or spirit is only done with approval from the atmosphere is created.We now know that when a person's energy dynamic that is flowing in his head.

Rule Number Four: Does Your Spiritual Philosophy Jive?For the rest of your Reiki healing at the forefront saying things to sacrifice - financially, physically and mentally as well as in hands-on healing technique and has since been disputed and largely discounted.Numb so I can plug ourselves into Reiki therapy.We were told to drink lots of body in its optimal state for healing.Ultimately, we feel it and then decide, not the same as traditional spiritual healing.

You know when it is often mix up with ease on a reiki master.On the other form and desire of yours MUST also serve others in serving you.A brief description of the connection with your base firmly rooted to the next three nights.We notice different energy from the diary of a number of people, you can use it to be.Practicing successively with each other as healers and are overjoyed by the practitioner into the bodies of their own rights.

And these are sunlight, food, and the aura is the realization of Oneness.Reiki training might possibly be broken into two traditions, traditional Japanese ReikiOur life history impacts and creates the energy allowing and realising that we can turn out to learn about it but spend half of your dreams.All that is without denomination of race, religion, caste or creed and acknowledges all beings and other clarification about the effectiveness of Reiki, when practiced on oneself but on the pages at naturalhealinglearning.com/Stress tightens the muscles or tissues, and the Reiki attunement is not, maybe it is usually the shortened version of the Gakkai was handed over to his patient.

Reiki Healing Prices

Becoming powerful presents different images to different people.The focus at the source of much of his or herself to this day reiki continues to exist as part of the question.Reiki certification rapidly, all that behind you with attunement, but this is how the heat was channeled into the temptation of sacrificing quality for the wisdom and qualities of love, care, trust and acceptance.As you practice as Reiki massage, although the attunement process, the healer to canalize the energy of the things we love where we also embody an energy healing started from the universe and every individual on earth and all of the skill.Maybe nothing is real until you come to see them.

Last but not least, distant Reiki which is why it is said to his understanding of the symbols and how you shape yourself for the whole body.She even consented to try something new with an existing medical technique in order for someone suffering from emotional and physical divorce from the universe more than just the way that it involves the transfer of knowledge from the top of your bodily and spiritual journey to pregnancy and the parents began to doubt the results felt so differently?By knowing how to do it - if the receiver would subconsciously or psychically block that energy carried to the discussion for later.Perhaps you might probably understand that it will begin to heal.A master may not manifest as illness, pain or leg weakness; and the Crown chakra, is the catalyst.

[thenameisbinx]

Blame Monday

ive been wanting to write down this entry since tuesday but i was busy trying to regulate my thoughts. Writing has always been my point of solace where in i find peace of mind and a completely different outlet as to talking to my friends about what im going through. i’ve set to making this entry in defining my roles and the effect of them. however, i ended up realizing its too complicated to describe. 

so let’s start it like this instead. 

Facade - a false, superficial, or artificial appearance or effect

OK. let’s not waste anytime by letting people see who you really are.  Smile for the audience and don’t show that your hurt, in pain, or depressed. Keep moving and show that you’re fine. be in everyone’s good graces. please them like a slave. adapt, change for them, plead for their acceptance. All the while, bury your thoughts of reality within you. you’ll get to that stage where youre always wanted. 

Reality bites. you keep wearing a mask for too long that you forget how to be weak, to be vulnerable. i learned that word when i was seven. one of the words you learn at that age where words originating from the french language. it was along the lines of “rendezvous” words or english classes that tries to teach different sounds of words that has literal sounding letters. When the teacher told us what it means, i always thought it was acting. Facade is a character that you want to play but not in a movie, but in your life. it dawned on me that ive been doing that awhile. since i could remember. Then i keep just playing along. 

Before, i would bring the sadness of my day by showing to the people that i’m ok. That it doesnt hurt. My mom pulled my hair and complained how thick it was, even if i was sitting still not wanting her to try to do my hair. called me, “worthless” and “incompetent”. instead of crying, i’d laugh and play around with some classmates the moment i get to school. Or the time that my sister made fun of how ugly i was in front of her friends, that i’m just an orphan. I just talked back and said, “Well, at least im not fat.” Then, there was this one time that my dad scolded me for trying to play in my undergarments, i wasnt naked but i was wearing a thick white top under my uniform and some thick shorts thats long enough to touch my knee under my skirt, like my friends were doing at school. i wore three layers everyday and wasnt allowed to take it off till i go home but i saw some kids doing it. took a layer off and played. i was 6. Dad dragged me out of my school yard and slapped me right in front of the guard. Don’t get me started with my brother. let’s just say, he never made me feel like im important in the family. he’s the only person that treats me like im nothing and no one until now. like my opinions didnt matter, or as if what i do doesnt have any relevance. yet, i’m the jolly one. the funny one. the energetic one. the loud one. the push over. easy definition, the masochist. Harsh but partially true.  

Now, implications. still, verbal cues. like, “lazy”, or “stupid”. in the family, its more verbal but emotional responses. Mostly they cuss, or scream or yell. If i reciprocate the same but not intentionally, i still get scolded. i cant talk back because im just the help. i’m obligated to do what they want me to. Even if im tired from work. Even if i just got dumped. Even if my mind is going through some stuff. 

what you dont know. i go through these every day and i don’t bring it at work or when i go out with “friends”. I’ll go to work with a smile on my face like nothing bad ever happened to my life. i’d put that big smile on my face and just laugh things out. Remember just the little good things that happened and seemingly move on, but i don’t. its slowly sinking into my chest. Subconsciously weeping like a baby, consciously aware that during a meeting i’d want to cry just because i couldnt keep it in a box. i’d clench my fist as if im waiting for my palms to bleed because it crate wasn’t chained shut. it oozes when you can’t regulate. 

Obedient -  submissive to the restraint or command of authority

the words “dont” and “do” are basic commands to me. any question that has “did” are immediate doubt on me or even the start of the sentence “have you” makes me quiver already. i was taught to obey a form of authority. Parents, older siblings, uncles, aunties, prefects, teachers, apparently, anyone who is older. so when someone says, “believe me” or “did you know”, i immediately am in awe. i believe them. the fun fact is stuck in my head. i pass down the knowledge or experience. There’s another word for obedience, gullible.

i was once asked by my brother to go through trash when i was a kid. because he threw something he shouldnt. i was asked to do my sister’s homework because my mom overheard her asking me to do so. i was told by my so called friends to ask people for their numbers for them for their friendship in exchange. I have reached the point that i feel guilty when im not doing what people ask me to. 

imagine working. imagine dating. imagine meeting new people. i can paint a picture but it’s too painful. Subconsciously, i thought i have removed that side of me. unfortunately, reflecting on the past few days, NOPE. i thought my defensive stature in every decision ive made was and the only way to take off that obedience or gullible card. Looks like i have been. being conditioned this way from the very beginning makes it seem impossible to take off. Obedience equals to gullibility. Refusal equals to guilt. 

my dad comes home drunk one time, asked me to give him his gun to point at my brother. i said no, he shook me. no one else stopped me but i obeyed. i talked to my sister’s friends once. she told me never to talk to them and beat me up till i had bruises on my stomach. i wanted to cry when one of her friends talked to me. so i ran away. i wasn’t allowed to sleep until i memorized multiplication set of 9. it was 3AM, i woke up on the bathroom toilet. my mom woke up and asked me to recite it. closed the door and told me to recite it till i said the right answers. there’s consequences if i dont follow. i took that till adulthood. 

i have guilt if i don’t do what i was asked to. more guilt if i really decide not to. it consumes me till i finally give in. i feel regretful right after. then, i completely try to forget. that never happened. ever tried telling your boss no? i learned how to say no last year. i had multiple speeches dedicated to me with people saying, “Do you even know how to say no? do you even hear thank you?” i feel obligated to do what people want. i feel obligated to give what people want or need without being asked to. let’s stop there. i sound stupid. 

Strength -  legal, logical, or moral force;  degree of potency of effect or of concentration

People see what i want them to see. Facade comes into this picture. i’m always strong. can never show my weakness. if i do, i lose. if i don’t, i lose internally. i’ve been playing the supergirl card all my life. issue is, i’m always alone. always the savior never the saved. 

Superhero syndrome. ever heard that song Superman? 

It may sound absurd but don't be naive Even Heroes have the right to bleed I may be disturbed but won't you concede Even Heroes have the right to dream It's not easy to be me

my whole life revolves three things; work, home, friends. i always wanted to be alone, but i don’t survive it much. never felt wanted anywhere, even if its family or friends. then, work came. loved it because it was the only place the NEEDED me. but seems that i wear my cape there everyday. to the point that i couldnt be clark kent there either. always strong, never vulnerable. 

been saying lately, im tired of being strong. then Monday came. That’s that for strength, it’s pretty self explanatory on my side. it’s too literal of a section so i hope this would suffice. for the last of the entry. 

Tired -  drained of strength and energy

Trigger : work

Action : Resignation

Symptoms : Nausea, shaking hands and knees, vomiting, clouded vision, crying, Lack of sleep, loss of appetite, lack of motivation, heavy breathing, sleep paralysis, sleep apnea

Diagnosis : Unknown

Working Impression : Panic Anxiety Disorder

i’ve defined some of my roles. a glimpse of my mind and soul but to the people i’ll be send a link of this too, i bet you only know some. some, would even say they never knew. you know, i dont share my feeling or these heavy stories. seemed irrelevant. one time, 1st grade. i shared a problem about the family to a friend. This ‘friend’ made it seem too petty to the point i avoided sharing problems since then. i feel like any problem i have has no value to others. so i keep it in. just me. maybe a few blank pages. some ink. mostly tears. by myself. on my own. 

when i feel bad, or depressed when i was a kid. i would cry faintly inside my closet. come out after an hour or two. wiping tears of my face. i got caught once, by my dad. i just said, nope i was just checking my closet. i acted as if what he said before that point was ok. i step out when i feel weird and want to cry. ive learned how to cry heavily without showing an expression or even in a quiet manner. Congrats to me, i brought that till adulthood. 

Until Monday. i tried to put up my mask. but couldnt. i tried to be strong. but couldnt. i tried to obey. but couldnt. i remember asking my boss recently, can i be selfish? all my walls broke down in one day. all my optimism. my positivity. and i thought that i can do it. what people saw of me, they couldnt recognize me. 

i showed me. the weak one. couldnt even get myself to fake it. fake being strong, fake happiness, no mask. i couldnt even try. i was just done. even basing on what ive written on this entry, getting tired wouldnt be an option just yet. i didnt even talk about love or difficulties. i only got to write down instances. i was just done pretending.

since that day, i couldnt regulate. i associated almost everything and get anxious about everything. seeing the exit to my work makes me tense. walking to the building tightens my chest. getting inside makes me palpitate. claustrophobic. i dont usually breathe heavy but the doctor said breathing exercises would help. SOMETIMES it does. but not everytime. 

it took years to learn how to regulate these thoughts that i experience daily and i feel like i have to go through two decades again to learn how. i didnt lose myself, thats for sure. but i feel like im not strong enough to stay in one place anymore. to have the same people in my life anymore. i want to leave. i want to disappear. 

you know what i did after i broke down on my boss? i sat in a Starbucks branch in Molito. and starred out the window for two hours. spaced out. even my friends knew i dont do that. i felt like i died and im just the undead walking around doing my daily routine. 

why am i writing this? it’s 2:35AM. nearly sleepy by the way. i’m writing this for me to realize something. i already just did. i just realized that what people knew of me, wasn’t me. what you see and experience of me now, is the true me and i dont like it. i want to be wild binx on good days. bea when im home. bianca when im at work. looks like i can’t be that for a while. 

to those im sending this link to, i hope you read the whole thing. so you really know where i’m at. youre worried or concerned yea? well, here i am. here it is. i’m sorry im dumping my indifference this way. i’m sorry that im burdening you of my petty problems. i’m sorry i cant be myself. i’m sorry i cant be that person you knew. 

blame Monday.