#like the only animals around here I fear are black widows(we had a ton on the kindergarten playground) and baby rattlers

[cleocatrablossy]

I’m so used to being near pasture that the concept of no coyotes, no turkeys, no deer, no cows, no risks of bobcats or mountain lions, no rattlers, and no random hawk circles is utterly bizarre.

Watching a video of a guy who moved to the US from Britain be surprised and mildly scared by coyotes.

The silly little dogs that you’ll see wandering the hills every once in a while.

Like… obviously you need to have a respect for them and being cautious in cougar territory or during snake season is important but being surprised or even scared of any of the animals around here is just a foreign concept.

[theredherb]

The Red Herb’s Top 10 Games of 2020

Hey, fuck 2020. You might notice that many of the “Best Of” lists you read this year and last can’t help but mention how terrible 2020 was. That’s because every day was like hitting a new, splinter riddled branch on our 365 day plummet off a shit-coated tree. The year brought with it a viral pandemic that served as a pressure cooker for the societal and systemic issues boiling beneath the surface of our every day life. And we’re not out of it. 

At least one positive holds true of 2020: the games were pretty darn good. One has to wonder, though, if 2020 was the last year of what can be called “normalcy” for the video game industry. Now that the remainder of titles brewed in pre-Covid times are out in the wild, what will the future of gaming look like as studios shift to work-from-home and distribution models migrate to digital as the primary bread winner? What will games look like going forward?

I have no fucking clue. We’ll get there when we get there. But looking back, I’m glad to have had such solid distractions from the stress and strife. If 2020 is any indicator for the industry going forward, then my takeaway is that games will continue to grow in prominence because of their ability to help us cope and, more importantly, stay connected.

Anyway, here’s video games:

10. MARVEL’S AVENGERS

Oh, Marvel’s Avengers. I know you expected to be on more prestigious Top 10 lists than mine. Truthfully, I debated whether or not you should be here. But I had to search my soul (stone) on this one. Really assemble my feelings. Tony Stark my thoughts (?). Here’s the short of it: Marvel’s Avengers has a great story campaign with a surprising amount of emotional weight thanks largely to Kamala Khan’s quest to reassemble the heroes of her youth. Once the final cutscene ends, though, players were expected to take their play box of Marvel heroes, jump online, and duke it out against hordes of villains for the privilege of precious loot and level gains. It would be impossible to get bored because Crystal Dynamics was going to continually Bifrost in new quests, cosmetics, and heroes -- for free!

Except, after fans blasted through the campaign (took me a solid weekend), they found a multiplayer mode filled with repetitive fights against non-descript A.I.M Bots, a handful of dull, un-Marvelous environments (the PNW?! In a video game?! Wowwee!), and a grind for gear that became useless minutes after it was equipped. Oh, and bugs. Tons of bugs. It must be hard for A.I.M. to take earth’s mightiest heroes seriously when they’re falling through the fucking earth every other mission.

So why the Kevin Accolade™? Of all the mistakes and underbaked ideas, Crystal Dynamics got the most important thing right: they made me feel like I was a part of the Avengers. Cutting through the sky as Iron Man; dive bombing, fists-first as the Hulk; firing gadgets at cronies as Black Widow; cracking a row of skulls with Cap’s shield… Avengers is a brawler on super soldier serum.

The combat is crunchy and addictive, and surprisingly deep once you unlock your character’s full suite of skills and buffs. The gear matters little. But choosing a loadout that works for you -- like ensuring enemy takedowns grant you a health orb every time or turning area clearing attacks to focused beams of hurt -- does matter. When it comes to games with disastrous launches, Avengers is the most deserving of a triumphant comeback story because, if you clear the wreckage, I think there’s a solid game here. If I was able to spend hours playing it in its roughshod state, I can see myself digging in for the long-term once it’s polished up and given a healthy dose of content. You know...if Square Enix doesn’t outright abandon it.

9. STREETS OF RAGE 4

Here’s a fact about me: I love beat ‘em ups. From Final Fight to X-Men to The Simpsons, I prioritized my quarters for the beat ‘em up machines (and House of the Dead simply because House of the Dead fuckin’ owns). Unfortunately, Streets of Rage wasn’t in arcades, and I didn’t own a Genesis growing up, so I didn’t get around to the series until Sega re-released as part of a collection. Though my history with the 29 year old brawler is shorter than some, the basics stand out out right away: it’s an awesome side-scrolling brawler filled with zany character designs and high octane boss fights.

SoR4 nails that simple spirit while adding an electric soundtrack, buttery smooth animations, and an art style that looks like a comic book in motion. You can button-mash your way through the game or master your timing to combo stun the shit out of bad guys. Same screen co-op is a requisite for the beat ‘em up genre but I have to call it out nonetheless given that it's next to obsolete these days. The story campaign is, of course, finite but a stream of unlockables and a Boss Rush Mode pad out the package nicely.

I really don’t have to go on and on. I’m on board with any game that captures the arcadey high of classic beat ‘em ups, and Streets of Rage 4 does it with flare.

8. RESIDENT EVIL 3 REMAKE

Resident Evil 2’s remake was my game of the year in 2019. It’s a pitch perfect revision that captures the pulse-pounding fear of the original while beautifully updating its graphics and gameplay for modern audiences. The most striking aspect of RE2’s remake is how it expands and reconfigures the classic game’s environments and set pieces. Capcom managed to recontextualize, and even improve on, the original’s design while staying faithful to its tone and atmosphere.

Resident Evil 3’s remake is less successful in modifying and improving on its source material. If the game feels like it was handled by a different team than RE2R, your gamer hands have good eyes (roll with it). It was developed by a separate internal team (three different teams, in fact), but that’s actually one of many choices mirroring its 1999 forebear. Just like the original, RE3R is a tighter (i.e. shorter) experience that launched less than a year after its predecessor. And just like the original, the game skirts away from survival horror in favor of action horror.

Unlike last year’s remake, however, RE3R paints in broad strokes with the original material much in the same way that 2004’s Dawn of the Dead remake shared a vague resemblance with Romero’s ‘79 classic. Capcom at least nails down what matters: you play as Jill Valentine, beaten and discredited after the Arklay Mountains incident, during her last escape from the zombie besieged Raccoon City. Her exit is complicated by Nemesis, a humanoid missile that relentlessly pursues her from minute two of the game. Her only chance of making it out alive is by teaming up with a gaggle of Umbrella dispatched mercenaries, including an overly handsome fellow named Carlos Oliveras that you control for a spell. But fans struggled to get over what Capcom didn’t remake. Several enemies, boss fights, and a “divergent path” mechanic that had you choose how best to escape the Nemesis in a pinch were omitted from the remake. Even an entire section set in a clock tower was cut. But, let’s be honest, the biggest omission is a secret ending where Barry Burton saves the day using only his beard. For real, YouTube that shit.

If you look at what the remake does instead of what it doesn’t, you’ll find a lightning paced action game highlighted by tense, one-on-one fights against the constantly mutating Nemesis. The tyrant’s grotesque transformations evoke the mind-rending, gut turning creature designs found in John Carpenter's The Thing. It’s sad that Nemesis doesn’t pursue you through the levels as diligently as he did in the original, or as Mr. X had in last year’s remake, but these “arena fights” end up being harrowing and fun, culminating in a memorable final encounter. The remake also treats us to the best incarnation of Jill to date. She’s a cynical badass, exasperated at how Umbrella upended her life, and can take a plunge off of a building yet still muster enough energy to call Nemesis a bitch. RE3R also shines thanks to its snappy combat, including a contextual dodge that feels rewarding to pull off, less bullet-sponge enemies than RE2, and an assortment of weapons to get you through Jill’s Very Bad Night(s). It makes for a necessary, though shorter, companion to last year’s stellar remake.

7. HADES

I’m experiencing a new type of shame including a title that I haven’t beaten on my Top 10 list, but I can assure you that I’ve dumped hours into its addictive death loop. It’s probably because of my resistance to looking up any tips, but given the skill-check nature of the difficult boss fights, I’m almost afraid the top shelf advice will amount to “die less, idiot.”

My failings aside, Hades is brilliant. It’s the perfect merger of gameplay and storytelling. You play as Zagreus, son of Hades, and your entire goal is to escape your father’s underworld domain. You pick from a selection of weapons, like a huge broadsword or spear, and attempt your “run,” seeing how far you can make it before an undead denizen cuts you down. It’s familiar roguelike territory, but where Supergiant separates their game from the pack is in the unique feeling of constant progression, even as you fail. With each run, not only is Zagreus earning a currency (gems or keys) that unlock new skills that make the next go a little easier, you’re also consistently treated to new lore. The fallen gods and heroes that line your father’s hall greet you after each death and provide a new insight into their world. The writing is bouncy and hilarious, the voice acting ethereal and alluring, and the character designs could make a lake thirsty.

Supergiant’s stylistic leanings are at their peak here. They’ve managed the impossible feat of making failure feel like advancement. Sure, it totally fucks up other roguelikes for me, but that’s okay. None of those games have Meg.

6. DEMON’S SOULS

Whereas Capcom takes liberties with their remakes, Bluepoint took the Gus Van Sant approach and made a 1:1 recreation of the 2009 title that launched the “Soulslike” genre. The dividing difference is a 2020 facelift brought to us by way of the PlayStation 5’s next-gen horsepower. There’s been online arguments (surprise) regarding the loss of Fromsoftware’s visual aesthetic in translating the PS3 original in order to achieve a newfound photorealism. It’s true, some beasties lose their surreal weirdness -- a consequence of revisiting designs without the worry of graphical or time constraints -- but the game’s world is still engrossing, morbid, and bleakly gorgeous.

That’s not to say all Bluepoint did was overhaul the graphics and shove this remake out the door. No, their improvements are nuanced, under-the-hood changes that gently push the genre into the next-generation. For one, the loading times are incredible. You could hop between all five archstones in under a minute if you wanted. And this game is a best DualSense controller showcase outside of Astro’s Playroom. You can feel a demonstrable difference between hitting your sword against a wall compared to connecting it with an attacking creature. Likewise, the controller rumbles menacingly as to let you know enemies are stomping across a catwalk above you. “Better rumbles” was not on my wish list of next-gen features, but the tactile feedback goes great lengths to make you feel like you’re there.

Granted, sticking so closely to the original means its pratfalls are also carried over to the next-gen. The trek between bonfire checkpoints is an eternity compared to the game’s successors, and Fromsoftware hadn’t quite mastered the sword ballet of boss fights prevalent in Dark Souls. Instead, a handful of bosses feel more like set pieces where you’re searching for the “trick” to end it versus having to learn attack patterns and counters. Still, it’s easy to see the design blueprint that bore a whole new genre. From having to memorize enemy placements to hunting down the world’s arcane secrets in the hopes of finding a new item that pushes the odds in your favor. Bluepoint’s quality of life improvements only make it kinder (not easier) to plunge into the game, obsess over its idiosyncrasies, and begin to master every inch of it. That is until you roll into New Game+ and the game shoves a Moonlight Greatsword up your ass.

5. YAKUZA: LIKE A DRAGON

Here’s a fact about me I’m sure you don’t know: I love beat ‘em ups. Streets of Rage 4 had an easy time making it on this list because it can be classified as both a “beat ‘em up” and “good.” Here’s another fact about me: I’m not the biggest fan of JRPGs. I’m told this is not because of any personal preferences I harbor, but rather due to a distinct lack of culture. I’ve made peace with that. At least my uncultured ways are distinctive.

But my disinterest in JRPGs is notable here because it illustrates how very good Like A Dragon is. Transitioning the Yakuza series from a reactive brawler (entrenched in an open-world SIM) to a full-blown turned-based RPG was risky -- especially 8 entries into the mainline series -- but it pays off explosively for Like A Dragon. Not only does the goofiness, melodrama, and kinetic energy translate to an RPG -- it’s improved by it. Beyond a new protagonist -- the instantly likable and infinitely affable Ichiban Kasuga -- we’re finally treated to an ensemble cast that travels with you, interacts with you, and grows with you. Their independent stories weave into Ichi’s wonderfully and end up mattering just as much as his.

The combat doesn’t lose any of its punch now that you’re taking turns. In fact, it feels wilder than ever and still demands situational awareness as your enemies shift around the environment, forcing you to quickly pick which move will do the most damage and turn the fight in your favor. RGG purposefully made Ichi obsessed with Dragon Quest (yes, specifically Dragon Quest) as an excuse to go ham and morph enemies into outlandish fiends that would populate Ichi’s favorite series. It’s a fun meta that never loses its charm.

This is the best first step into a new genre I’ve ever seen an established franchise make and I hope like hell they keep with it for future outings -- and that Ichi returns to keep playing hero. There’s plenty of callbacks and treats for longtime fans, but RGG did a masterful job rolling out the virtual carpet for a whole new generation of Yakuza fanatics.

4. GHOST OF TSUSHIMA

Sucker Punch’s dive into 13th century Japan doesn’t redefine the open-world genre. But like Horizon: Zero Dawn before it, Ghost of Tsushima takes familiar components of the genre and uses them exceptionally well, creating an airtight experience that can’t help but stand out. I can tell Sucker Punch mused on games like Assassin’s Creed and Breath of the Wild, tried to figure out what makes those games tick, and then brought their own spin to those concepts. You can feel it in their obsession to make traversal through the environment as unobtrusive as possible, letting the wind literally guide you to your destinations instead of forcing the player to glue their eyes to a mini-map. You can feel it in how seamless it is to scale a rooftop before silently dropping on a patrol, blade first. You can feel it in the smoothness behind the combat as your sword clashes against the enemy’s. Every discrete part is fine-tuned yet perfectly complements the whole. The game is silk in your hands. 

The mainline story can be humdrum, though. It mirrors the beats of a superhero origin story, which isn’t surprising when you account for the three Infamous titles and satellite spinoffs under Sucker Punch’s belt. But Jin Sakai’s personal journey outshines the cookie-cutter plot. His gradual turn from the strict samurai code to a morally ambiguous vigilante lifestyle (to becoming, eventually, a myth) is a fascinating exploration in shifting worldviews. This is bolstered by the well-written side-missions dotting your quest, some of which play out in chains. It’s these diversions about melancholy warriors and villagers adjusting to life under invasion that end up being the essential storytelling within the game. Whatever you do, don’t skip a single one.

Before GoT can overstay its welcome with collectible hunting and stat-tree building, the ride is over. If you find exhaustive open-world titles, well, exhausting, Sucker Punch coded enough of a campaign to sticking the landing and not more. But if you were looking for more, the game’s co-op Legends mode is the surprise encore of the year. It strikes its own tone, with vibrant, trippy designs, and a progression system that embarrasses other AAA titles in the space (I mean Avengers. I’m talking about Avengers).

3. THE LAST OF US PART II

The Last of Us is widely regarded as a masterpiece. It’s a melancholic trek through a realistic post-apocalypse, driven by the budding bond between a world-weary survivor and a would-be teenage savior. The fungal zombies and violent shootouts with scavengers were scary and exciting, but ultimately just window-dressing compared to the level of complicated, and honest, human emotion on display throughout the tale. While a segment of detractors helpfully pointed out that The Last of Us’ story isn’t unique when compared to years of post-apocalyptic books, comics, and movies, that argument seems to forget that a narrative more concerned with the human protagonists’ connections to one another instead of saving the world or feeding into a hero complex is pretty unique for games -- especially a high profile, AAA budgeted game.

Still, fans made heroes out of Joel and Ellie because of their own connection to their journey. And that connection is almost instantly challenged in the opening hours of The Last of Us Part II to heartbreaking effect. But I’m here to tell you that any other sequel would have been dishonest to the legacy of the original game. To be given a hero’s quest as a continuation, an imagined sequel where Joel and Ellie do battle against the viral infection that’s swept the earth, would have been a despicable cash-in. It would have been a mistake to follow-up the original’s careful examination of human nature just to placate an audience that seems to have missed the point Naughty Dog made. The Last of Us Part II hurts. But it has to or else it wouldn’t have been worth making. It’s a slow-burn meditation on the harmful ripples revenge creates, how suffering begets suffering, and how, if we don’t break the cycles of violence we commit to, suffering will come for us.

To drive this point, we’re given two distinct perspectives during the meaty (and somewhat overlong) campaign, split between Ellie Williams, the wronged party seeking revenge, and Abby Anderson, an ex-Firefly whose actions set the sequel into motion. The greatest trick Naughty Dog pulls off isn’t forcing us to play as a character we hate, it’s giving us reasons to emphasize with them. It was gradual, and despite some heavy-handed moments meant to squeeze sympathy out of the player (how many times do I have to see that fuckin’ aquarium?!), I eventually came to love Abby’s side of the story. The obvious irony being that she unwittingly walks the same path Joel did in the original.

My love for the narrative shouldn’t distract from how well designed the world is. Being a King County local, the vision of a ruined Seattle strikes an uncomfortable note -- it was eerie seeing recognizable buildings overgrown with vegetation but otherwise devoid of life. Maybe the heart-wrenching story also distracts from the fact this game is, by definition, survival horror. Exploring toppled buildings in the dark, hearing the animalistic chittering of the infected, defending yourself with limited resources… It manages to be a scarier entry into the genre in 2020 than even RE3R. There’s a particular fight in a fungus covered hospital basement that easily goes down as my Boss Fight of the Year. Human enemies make for clench-worthy encounters, too, with incredibly adept AI that forces you to keep moving around the environment and set traps to avoid getting overwhelmed.

Admittedly, the subject matter -- or more to the point, the grim tone -- was tough to stomach during an actual pandemic which has happily treated us to the worst of human nature. Still, The Last of Us Part II is absolutely worth playing for its balance of mature themes and expertly crafted world, and the way it juxtaposes beauty and awfulness in the same breath.

2. SPIDER-MAN: MILES MORALES

The most impressive thing about Miles Morales is that, despite being a truncated midquel rather than a full-blown sequel, it’s a better game than 2018’s Spider-Man. It’s not because of the instantaneous loading times or the fancy ray-tracing techniques used on the PS5 version of the game. Rather, it’s how it takes the joyride of the original game and hones it into a laser focused experience filled to the brim exclusively with highs. Like Batman: Arkham Asylum going into Arkham City, Miles starts the game off with his mentor’s best abilities and tools. From there, he discovers his own powers, his bioelectric venom strike, which ends up feeling like the missing ingredient from the first game’s combat.

Your open-world playground -- a locale in the Marvel universe called “New York City” -- is exactly the same size as the previous installment, which helps avoid making the game feel “lesser.” But Insomniac wisely consolidated the random crimes Peter faced into a phone app that Miles can check and choose which activity to help out with. Choices like this really trim the fat from the main game and help alleviate “the open-world problem” where the story’s pacing suffers because players are spending hours on end collecting feathers. This is great because Miles’ story is also great. The narrative kicks Peter out pretty early on, focusing on how Miles assumes the role of city protector, primarily focused on his new home in Harlem. Insomniac avoids retreading the same path paved by Into the Spider-Verse by telling a relatable tale where Miles defines his identity as Spider-Man. With a strong cast led by Nadji Jeter as Miles, the game lands an impactful story that weaves its own new additions to Miles’ mythos (light spoiler: I loved their take on The Prowler).

Miles Morales was pure virtualized joy from start to finish. A requirement of the platinum trophy is to replay the entirety of the game on New Game+. I didn’t hesitate to restart my adventure the minute the credits were over. Everything I loved about 2018’s Spider-Man is here: the swinging, the fighting, the gadgets, the bevy of costumes. But it gave me a new element I adore and can’t see Insomniac’s franchise proceeding without: being Miles Morales.

1. FINAL FANTASY VII REMAKE

I love subversive media, I do. And Square Enix’s “remake” of one the most beloved video games ever made subverts expectations by openly acknowledging that, yes, the original story you love exists and is consistently referenced in this game. But this is not that story. This is something..else. Because the truth is, SE could never have recreated FFVII and delivered a title that matched the Sacred Game fans created in their heads. That impossible standard is like an imagined deity, given power by feeding on raw nostalgia reinforced by years of word-of-mouth and appearances on Top 100 lists. I’m not saying FFVII is a bad game or that fans give it too much credit. Not at all. There’s a reason it’s so influential -- it’s good! But memory works in a funny way over time. We have a tendency to codify our perception of a thing over the reality of it. The connection we make to certain media, especially when introduced at a young age as FFVII had been to a whole generation of fans so long ago, creates a legend in our heads. Unfortunately, it’s a legend no developer could achieve when tasked with remaking it.

So Square...didn’t. Final Fantasy VII Remake has the same characters, setting, and plot beats as the first third of the original game but it’s not the same game, nor is it a remake of it in the traditional sense. It’s something new. And I fucking love that about it.

Everything is reconfigured, including the combat. After years of trying to merge RPG mechanics with more approachable (and marketable) real-time action (see FFXV and the Kingdom Hearts games for examples), Square Enix finally landed on the perfect balance. You fully control Cloud on the battlefield, from swinging your impossibly huge buster sword to dodging attacks. The ATB gauge (no one knows what the acronym stands for -- that information has been lost to time) gradually fills up, letting unleash powerful moves. But best of all, you fight in a party, and you can switch who to control on the fly.

That may not sound revolutionary, let alone for a Final Fantasy, but each character has a completely unique feel and suite of moves. At times, it feels like playing a Devil May Cry game where you can switch between Dante, Vergil, and Nero on the fly (that’s a free idea, Capcom. Hire me, you cowards). You can soften up an enemy with Cloud’s buster to increase their stagger meter, switch to Barret for a quick gatling barrage, and finally switch to Tifa to crush them with her Omnistrike. You can accomplish this in real-time or slow down the action to plan this out. It’s a great mix of tactics and action that prevents the game from feeling like a mindless hack n’ slash.

What really, really works here is the character work. Each lead walks in tropes first, but the longer you spend with the members of your party, the more their motivations and fears are laid out. You end up having touching interactions with just about the whole main cast. There’s a small segment, after Cloud saves Aerith from invading Shinra guards, that the two make an escape via rooftop.They make light conversation -- small talk really -- but it’s exchanges like this that feel genuine, perfectly framing their characters (stoic versus heartfelt), and grounding an otherwise larger-than-life adventure.

Many bemoaned the fact that FFVIIR only revisits a small portion of the original game, but I think it was a brilliant choice -- to massively expand on areas we only got to see a little of in the original. I honestly didn’t want to leave Midgar. It’s a world rife with conflict and corporate oppression, sure, but Midgar is beautifully realized, from the slums below the plates, populated with normal people trying to make the best of life, to the crime controlled Wall Market, adorned with gaudy lights and echoing honky tonk tunes. It very well may be years before FFVII’s remake saga comes to a close, but if each entry is paved with as much love and consideration and, yes, storytelling subversion as this introductory chapter… It’ll be worth the wait.

[tesseractj]

The Truth, and too much of it

Here we go, Fanfic 1.

 I got the prompt for this at http://imagine-loki.tumblr.com/post/153439568024/imagine-you-and-loki-are-members-of-the-avengers

 Now, I am so new to all this and I probably need to learn tons more about Tumblr, presentation, etc. I also need a PC for this. Instead, I'll let it fly. 

 Summary: OC is a long time Avenger, gets kidnapped, gets drugged, gets rescued, and shares far more of her love life with Loki than she ever wanted to. Steve and Bruce want to hide, Tony wants to listen and Loki keeps prompting for more. 

 OC and basic universe is based on a much bigger fanfic I have been working on. Basically she's a shameless self-insert, Loki is doing better and is an Avenger, and everyone actually does live together when possible creating a nice family of happy Avengers. Definite references to smut, sex, kinks and NSFW stuff. Also minor references to a nebulous past trauma. 

 .................................................. 

 The trick to this drug seemed to be to turn the stream of consciousness into a personally interesting rant. I was slowly driving my captors nuts with it. 

 They asked about Iron Man’s weaknesses and got a rant about Tony’s inability to receive a cup of cocoa when handed to him, or his habit of ordering dinner before anyone had decided what to eat or cook. The best info they gained was his favorite drinks and favorite swimsuit model. That rant lasted a good hour, broken by attempt to steer the information to their needs. 

 “Nooo, weaknesses in the his suit design!” “Like clothes? Nope, he’s got a great designer for clothes. Perfect designs.” They learned his strange clothing choices, designer apparel with $2,000 cufflinks, and then a great deal about Pepper’s awesome wardrobe. They cut me off again when I started talking about the history of the color pink and child product consumerism. 

 “No, his suit, tell us about the Iron Man suit weaknesses!” 

 “Have you seen that thing? Who thinks red is a good color for a suit? Tony freakin’ Stark. I love the guy, but any chance it could be black, brown, camo? Noooooo. Red and Gold! Not that Steve’s suit is better. Still, he didn’t design it so I give him a break there. . . usually.” That devolved into a comparison of all Avengers’ gear designs, and more embarrassingly who looked hot in what.

 They tried asking about the defences for Avenger’s Tower and the compound. I had more trouble deflecting that. I couldn’t help but start talking about FRIDAY, but once I got myself talking about the AI’s personality I was off on a rant about the comparisons between her program, the TESS program in my Neural Interface and JARVIS. TESS won that comparison, after 15 minutes of one sided discussion. 

 “What is Nick Fury’s home address?” I laughed at the likelihood of anyone knowing that answer. No one could discover his favorite coffee, let alone his home address, codes, birthday, favorite color, etc. 

 “Does Black Widow fear anything?” I got in 15 minutes about how amazing spiders are, how they are related to horseshoe crabs, how insects were the first land animals and what does Natasha have to do with sea lions? 

 “Listen up! We don’t know what another dose of this will do.” Interrogator #3 held up another vial of whatever they kept dosing me with. “We’d prefer you sane and useful, at least until we sell you and your info to the highest bidder. You are really making that hard.” 

 “Maybe the drug is no good on me? Did you test it on normal humans or genetic experiments visiting from other universes? There’s only a few of us visitors hanging around, so, I’d be pretty supri-”

 “There’s more of you?” Interrogator #1 exclaimed, looking both excited and worried at the thought. 

 I almost winced, that was more info than I wanted to share, but,”More of me? Not on this planet that’s for sure. We tend to aggravate each other outside of specialized conditions.” “More visitors fro. . . what the hell was that?”

 I was saved from accidentally revealing anything by some very loud sounds coming from somewhere not too far off. I sighed in relief. “You all are in so much trouble now. If Nat, Bruce or Loki are here you are dead meat.” Now I explained how painfully dead those three would make my captors. 

 “. . . and after the Hulk puts you through a wall Loki will pull your insides out through any hole he finds. If you haven’t died yet he’ll-” 

 “Shut up! This can’t just be the drug. You must be insane! Who says all that so cheerfully? How did you take a question about the Hulk and turn it into a lecture about Black Holes, Stars Exploding and Poles?” I grinned at the remaining guy in the room. That had been a fun stream about Gamma Ray bursts, threats to life in the universe and Magnetic Pole reversal. 

 Huh, when did the other two guys leave the room? I was knew the drug was affecting my awareness, but that was worse than I thought. Oh well, the door was flying open and I was given a second off from having to answer anything as I watched Steve stop the final guys questions. 

 My awareness hazed out for the next bit until I was breathing fresh air and realized that I was explaining to Cap how medicines for mental illness had side effects like memory loss.

 “Is she alright? Let me see her!” I heard a pleasant, if urgent, voice cut through my mental fog. 

 “Loki! I told them they’d be in big trouble if you came. I knew you would be here. Did you rip anyone to shreds? Did Nat come and break some bones?” I asked happily, likely sounding almost drunk.

 Loki looked straight into my face, eyebrows drawn in confusion. Instead of answering me he turned to Steve, who had helped walk me outside. “What has happened to her, Captain? What have they done to her?”  

“It seems they had a truth serum of some sort. We gave Bruce samples and he’s already started analysing it on the Jet. We’ll know more by the time we get home.” 

 “Know more? I’m certain I could reveal everything we need from one of the prisoners,” Loki got a dangerous glint in his eye. 

 Steve was going to raise an objection, but I couldn’t keep my mouth closed. “Awww, I know I shouldn’t, but I love the way you look when you get all dangerous and angry.”

 Loki turned back to me in concern and surprise. Before he could ask for clarification on my apparent love of his dark side I continued with more helpful information. “It’s some sort of temporary inhibition release, like a truth serum thingie mixed with ativan mixed with alcohol. They said it calms the subject(me!), reduces or rids control of mind to mouth and encourages open thinking. I really don’t think they realized what open thinking means for me. They learned a lot about my love of sciency stuff and how I adore all of you guys, verrrry little about our defences or secrets.” 

 I looked more seriously over at Steve,”I was getting really loopy at the end there. It’s worth seeing if they got a record of anything in case something important slipped. I haven’t heard TESS, since the first dose, but she might be fully operational and have a record.” Always helpful to have an AI built into your brain, or adjacent to it, or whatever Stark called it.

 I felt a hand turn my face so I would look back at Loki. “But are you alright, love? Did they hurt you?” The concern on his face sobered me up as we started walking to the Jet. My general awareness seemed to be coming back as I also noticed a SHIELD team run past about twenty feel off, and Tony was talking to someone while pointing back at the building I had been held in. The Jet was only a few hundred feet away, like a little piece of home come to get me. 

 “I’ll be fine, I think it was just a few scratches and bruises. They insisted the drug needed high doses to hurt a normal brain, and you know my physiology would handle way more than a normal human brain.” I paused to look closer at him and say,”Sorry I got kidnapped, again. I really don’t want to worry anyone, especially you.” Memories of the previous, and much worse, abduction made me shudder lightly.

 I felt his arm pull me closer to him as we started up the ramp. He seemed to take a moment to breath the scent off my hair. “It’s hardly your fault. I do wish I could keep such events from occurring. However, I would like to return to a comment you made a moment ago.” 

 I looked up at him in confusion as we settled into the seats. “You enjoy my dangerous and angry look?”

 Even in my current state I felt a blush start, “Well, yeah. You know I think you are extra sexy when you are all serious, or protective and angry. It’s not like I never told you that, right? Or, wait, no, yeah, didn’t I mention it that first time we had the silk cords and candles, whe-” 

 “Uh, Juliana, you know Bruce and I are standing right here, right?” Steve asked in a soft but mortified tone. Bruce looked like he wanted to shrink into oblivion.

 Any blush I had before was nothing compared to the the heat I felt on my face now.  No, I hadn’t even thought about who else was on the plane. It was as if everything but Loki and I had disappeared. Loki had one of his freakin’ smirks going and I knew he felt no shame. “Oh good lord, I’m so sorry Steve. Hi Bruce, sorry. Umm, thanks guys for coming to rescue me and I can’t believe. . . stop smirking Loki!” I whacked him on the shoulder. 

 Bruce tried to sound understanding,”No, it’s fine, I get it. You are under the influence, so to speak, Don’t, don’t worry about it Jay. Just glad you’re okay.”

 “Don’t worry about what?” Tony’s load steps echoed into the Jet as he came onboard. His suit was on, helmet off, and he looked curious. 

 The answer came from the cockpit, which furthered my embarrassment,”It’s nothing Tony, that’s why we don’t have to worry.” Clint had heard me too.

 Everyone should have known Tony would have none of that. Loki’s smirk became a full grin as Tony said,”Oh no, it’s something.” He looked at me appraisingly, then pointed as he figured it out,”You're still drugged and started dishing out something good. What is it? Spill.” 

 My face hit my hands as I started,”Well, I was remembering the time Loki and I-”

 “TONY, no! No taking advantage of this. Sorry Jay, you don’t have to answer,” Steve interjected before things got too far. 

 “But daaaad, it was gonna be fun!” Tony whined.

 I got to grin as I watched Tony piss off Steve, which kept up until Natasha got on board and we prepared to head home. I learned that Thor had flown off for a date as soon as he heard I was rescued. That turned out to be a very good thing, because Loki wasn’t done with his fun. 

 A few minutes after take off I was finally quiet, staring at the spot I had been lying in after me last rescue. I wanted to curse the system of balances that made pain and fear a good substitute for all the bad things I could stop. It was worth it but. . . 

 ”Surely a simple smile did not merit such a violent response,” Loki spoke up, rubbing his shoulder as if I had actually hurt him. “I would love to hear more about what you were remembering. I can’t seem to place what you were speaking of,” he sounded almost thoughtful, under his blasted smile.

 “Oh good lord, Loki! Don't think I doubt you remember that perfectly well. Green silk cords, specialty candles, those flo-” 

 “Hmmm Hrmm,” Steve coughed as I turned red again.  

“Oh great, I am still just spewing out everything in my head. How long will this last?”

 I glanced over at Bruce, who was looking very uncomfortable. “Oh, um, I don’t really know. I’ve tried to hook FRIDAY in to TESS and they are running some numbers. Let me see. . . oh, looks like 3-6 hours?”

 I gasped,”Oh no, no no, is there a sedative, yeah, sedative you can give me? I am not ready for my inner dialogue here.” 

 “Jay, Juliana, you just sat with strangers for over 7 hours under the influence. We are much safer,” Steve tried to reason. 

“First off, I don’t care what those a-holes think of me. Second off, different circumstances lead to very different answers. I was in a clinical interrogation, it was easy to stay impersonal. You all are my family, it’s personal here. Third, look at Loki’s face! He’s planning mischief!” 

 Loki put on an air of hurt innocence,”I most certainly am not!” 

 “Ugh, we all know better darling. You might be subtle, but you are trouble,” I glared, with maybe a hint of love bleeding through.

 “I could be less subtle dear, if you like. Or I could,” he leaned in, close to my ear, “ask something very subtle, like what do you want?”

 Everybody else disappeared again as my answer took over. He made things worse by skating his fingers over my neck. “I want to strip your armor off, throw you down and kiss every part of you until you-” 

 “Loki, enough! That’s enough of this!” Steve sounded half panicked, half furious. He was trying to use his Captain America voice, though it sounded just a little off. 

 “Perhaps if you and Bruce are finding this uncomfortable, you could move farther away from our conversation,” Loki offered. 

 Tony snorted at that. He was having a grand time now. This was all he wanted out of a good truth serum debacle. Steve was flustered, I was flustered but showing my kinky side, and Loki was grinning like the happiest God of Mischief in the universe.

 Loki looked back at me,”You must be hungry after everything.” 

 “Seriously, using that voice and saying that? Of course I am hungry,” I said, trying to steer my thoughts to food, chocolate, fruit, oh no. “I would love to have some chocolate and, and, and,” I tried to fight it,” annnnd I would love to lick it off of you, bit by bit. I would paint both of us in it, and then use a whole strawberry. . .”

 Steve and Bruce fled as far as they could get. Tony’s eyes went wide as he gleefully listened to my fantasy. Loki got a different look in his eyes, promising fun down the line.

 It was a few days later that I thought back and realized something quite important. Every time I had started to get overwhelmed with memories from that previous trauma, Loki would step in an distract me with stupid salacious prompts. I couldn’t decide whether or not to thank him, or if I should explain that he could have picked a less embarrassing distraction. Then I remembered that look in his eyes, and how once I got a clean bill of health we made good use of green silk cords and plenty of chocolate. Not much more needed to be said, once I thought of that.

[britesparc]

Weekend Top Ten #461

Top Ten Good Things That Actually Happened in 2020

Well, thank God that’s over, am I right?

It feels kinda weird to be sitting here looking back over the wreckage and general weirdness of 2020, a year that pretty much defines the word “anxiety”. I have a lot to be thankful for: none of us died, for a start; we all seemed to avoid The Plague in its entirety for the whole year. We still have a house, we still have food, we always had enough toilet paper, and above all we had each other. It was hard, it was long, it sucked a great deal at times, but there are substantially worse hands to be dealt all things considered.

Anyway, amongst all the crap, there were some good things, too. And I don’t mean the end-year highs of them finding a vaccine, Biden beating Trump, and us narrowly avoiding No Deal by eating a ton of rotten mud instead of actual shit. No, throughout the year, there were actually some things that happened that were genuinely good; great, even.

And so once again, with no further ado, here are my ten favourite things. Like usual, these are, y’know, things that I watched or played or whatever. I don’t go on about my great kids being great, or the fact that I finally finished writing and formatting enough children’s books to start showing them to agents. But my kids were both elected their respective class’s reps to the school council, which is pretty badass. Here you go. Ten good things. Watch them on catch-up, or whatever.

Mega Mando: without a doubt the best “thing” that I saw was the second season of The Mandalorian. Managing to be both an event-of-the-week show (a heist! An infiltration! A siege!) as well as a long-form narrative; feeling distinct and its own thing but tying into so many aspects of Star Wars; full of absolutely excellent scenes and direction and performances; and holy crap what an ending. When you watch a few of these kinds of shared-universe genre shows, this sort of thing is a rarity to the point of my never having seen it before. Seasons that are too long? Filler episodes? Disappointing lore? A “thirteen-hour movie”? Mando swerves all of these things and – notwithstanding my love for The Last Jedi – emerges as possibly the best thing Star Wars has done since at least the classic LucasArts games of the late nineties.

Series SeXy: finally the new consoles came out, and I got an Xbox Series X. It was quite a ride for yours truly: I managed to successfully pre-order one from Microsoft directly; it turned up on the day of release, except it was late in the evening and the kids were around so I couldn’t open it; then, after briefly testing it, I shoved it back in its box till Christmas. Honestly, you wanna talk about anticipation much? It was literally in my house and I still didn’t properly set it up till the evening on Christmas Day. Anyway: it’s great. It just works, y’know? It’s a beautiful boxy delight, with its chunky green holes and its shiny edges. It makes all my games look amazing, it’s so fast and buttery-smooth. It’s like upgrading a PC, but far more successful and expansive an upgrade than I was ever able to do when I was actually upgrading a PC. Anyway, it’s great. It even runs Cyberpunk 2077.

Lockdown Crossing: Animal Crossing: New Horizons arrived at exactly the right time. Lockdown was starting, everything was darkness and fear, people were dying, we needed distractions, and here was a game about being happy and friendly and doing up your house and digging up fossils. It was perfect. It was also a great social game, with my kids loving sending presents to each other, or meeting up with their uncle (who they literally saw only once this year). A great game at just the right time.

The Stream Where it Happens: Mando might have been my TV highlight of the year, but film-wise my favourite new movie was not only not really a movie but was also several years old. Hamilton popped up almost by surprise on Disney+, and it was the first time I’d been able to experience it – and it was just as good as I’d heard. At this point you don’t need me to rhapsodise about the lyricism, performance, staging, and West Wing references; I think you either get it or you don’t, and I got it big time. Weirdly, experiencing it at home made some kind of perfect sense, and it made up for missing out on the big cinematic musicals such as In the Heights and West Side Story.

Fantabulous Harley Quinn: Harley rocked on both the big and the small screen this year. Birds of Prey, or whatever it ended up being called, was actually the last film I saw at the cinema before the Big Shutdown of 2020. It’s not perfect, sure, but it’s a hell of a lot of fun; Margot Robbie is a blast, it’s really funny, and is edgy in just the right way, rather than feeling like it’s trying too hard. I was more sceptical going into the Harley Quinn animated show (starring Penny off The Big Bang Theory, for goodness’ sake!), as “sweary adult Harley Quinn cartoon” is pretty high on my checklist of “things that are trying to be edgy”, but I’m glad I gave it a chance, because it followed a very similar line to the movie. Hilarious, violent, filthy, but also offering a subtle unpeeling of Harley’s psyche and giving her more character development than she gets in most of her comic appearances. It was a great year for Harley. Just wish they’d show the second season of her show.

All This Plus Disney: yeah, I’ve already singled out Mando and Ham (great unmade detective show, there), but I’ve gotta say Disney+ in general has been a huge highlight. From getting all yer Marvels and yer Star Wars in one place, to a wealth of preschool and middle-grade shows for the kids (my youngest mainlined Vampirina this Spring), to being a home for loads of high-quality family films from years gone by (it was the prime destination for many a family movie night), to, well, the future. WandaVision launches in a couple of weeks, followed by dozens of great shows and movies; not just ones about sad superheroes, either – personally I can’t wait for the likes of Chip & Dale. I’ve gotta say, I’ve been really impressed, and once they roll out the sexier, swearier Fox stuff later this year, it’ll only get better.

A Schitt Year: we got into Schitt’s Creek rather late (like many a sitcom – I think we only discovered Brooklyn Nine-Nine and The Good Place in the last eighteen months or so), but it’s truly sublime, and it only got better and better as it built towards it joyous climax (ewww, David!). It was a great show about a family of people who were kinda arseholes, but were really very nice underneath it all, and how this town of people who were sorta idiots but kinda nice underneath it all brought out the better natures of everybody. It was, basically, a show about the all-encompassing power of being Nice. I’m so, so happy that it achieved huge success in its final season, winning literally all the Emmys. Hot Schitt.

Top Trek: 2020 was bookended by the two newest incarnations of People Boldly Going, Picard and Discovery. I was super excited to check in with Jean-Luc and pals nearly twenty years since we’d last seen them; although the show wasn’t a Best of Both Worlds-style masterpiece, it presented a believably fractured vision of the Federation, and a sadder, wearier Picard. It got a bit bogged down in Borg stuff, and I wasn’t totally sold on the ending, but I’m very, very eager to spend more time with these characters in future seasons. Discovery, meanwhile, flashed forward, with a season set about 900 years after Picard, and gave us what amounts to the closest Star Trek gets to a dystopia. It took its time settling in, but by crikey it pulled its threads together for a great run of episodes as we gear up to the finale later this week. I’ve very much enjoyed Star Trek on TV this year, and I’m really looking forward to whatever comes next.

Netflickin’ Ass: on the one hand, it was quite nice to see streaming services picking up the slack during the cinema closures, with many films winding up on Prime Video or Netflix or wherever; there were also those “Premium VOD” options, such as Trolls World Tour or Mulan, but I never quite fancied parting with so much cash for a rental (“Only if it’s Black Widow or Wonder Woman,” I said… so, yeah, see you later this month for the latter!). One trend I did notice, however, was Netflix also picking up the slack of “big Hollywood star-driven action movie”. Y’know, the stuff that had Van Damme or Seagal in it in the ‘90s, before everything became franchised (Mission: Impossible could almost fall under this banner, but Cruise became too huge and the series itself eventually was the draw, I’d argue). Anyway, these sorts of films nowadays are low-rent DTV fodder starring slumming former megastars, so fair play to Netflix for resurrecting the genre and giving it a fresh coat of paint and lease of life. Stuff like Extraction and The Old Guard weren’t exactly masterpieces, but they were solidly entertaining with great central performances and some nicely turned-out action. Looking forward to more of the same – bigger, better, and with more people getting killed with rakes!

A Summer of Anticipation: it was a weird year – well, yeah, of course it was, you know, you were there. But one of the things that was weird was that so much was going to happen. I mean, there were loads of things I was looking forward to as the year began; from the MCU and Star Wars shows to big movies, smaller movies, and – of course – new games consoles. And as the year went on, amidst the angsty real-world wait-and-see, there was also a steady drip of news and non-news as we held on to find out which films were pushed back, which were skipping the cinema, and mostly what the games would look like on the new consoles. Barely a week seemed to go by without new rumours, new stories, and new leaked videos or imagery. It was maddening and infuriating but also, weirdly, glorious. This strange ongoing sense of anticipation and wonder, even if quite often the news ended up being disappointing as more and more big hitters slipped to 2021 (everything from Bond to Halo to pretty much the whole MCU). But like an entire year made up of Christmas Eves, it felt for the longest time that anything was possible… just round the corner.

See? It wasn’t all bad. And maybe this year we’ll get to enjoy all the stuff we thought we’d enjoy in 2020! I mean, at the very least, Trump’s gonna be gone… right?

[newflanagansonthebloch]

Day 8, April 14, 2019: Hoi An Eco Tour and Da Lat

Unfortunately due to some flight changes on the part of Vietnam air, our original plan of a late flight to Da Lat was moved up to the afternoon. While this decreases our time in Hoi An, it did not prevent us from completing the Hoi An area Eco Tour, a piece of the Vietnam trip my grandmother really enjoyed when she visited last year.

Our tour guide from Jack Tran Tours was Viet and he greeted us with a smile and sense of humor bright and early at 7am. He took us on a short van ride to our beach cruiser bikes for the day. We hopped on and peddled out of the main city past rice paddies and new highways. Our first stop on the tour was a home belonging to three women in their early 60s: 61, 62. 63. One was widowed young when her husband died of a moto incident at 24. Another had a son. This is likely the one who also has a grandson who just turned one. Birthday decorations remain outside from the previous evening.The last woman never married. The three live together in a very basic home. They sleep on what westerners would call a rather antiquated bed, without a proper mattress. In addition to getting paid for hosting tourists like us, these woman make money by farming and selling their crops at the local market.They wake up at 2am to begin to water their crops, which they do by hand except for when it’s really really hot. These women have about 700 square meters and they grow mustard seeds (which take a week) as well as onions. Morning glory, lemon basil and more. Many of these plants require growing and then transplanting over to a new part of the farm for replanting. They fertile the soil with seaweed from a nearby fish farm, as well as cow or water buffalo dung. Two of the women are home when we visit. The oldest is 63 but looks far older. She is permanently hunched over—a direct result of her watering the garden which she can no longer do. That doesn’t stop her, she is still hustling about. A younger one is working and watering and urges us to take a try at watering and then planting. She too is slight and looks older than she is. Some of her teeth are missing, but that doesn’t stop her from smiling. Before departing she hands us a bag of fresh herbs and lettuce for our upcoming lunch. Talk about organic growers. 220 families around these parts once grew food for a living. Today, about 130 continue to farm and 90 or so have moved to work in the tourism industry. Farming is not a particularly lucrative trade. Despite being expert exporters of rice, just growing rice is a hard salary to live off. A 49 hectare dawn may yield one crop after three months. These 3 months earn the family less that what they can live on. After all a farm this big might yield 400kg in seed but after shelling, only 280kg of rice. If we assume 1 dollar = 2kg, for three months work and a whole harvest, only $150 might be yielded from this harvest. Most people supplement this farming income with other crops tourism etc. the Mekong delta which we’ll visit later this week is the largest and main exporter of rice in Vietnam. Unlike here they can harvest not two, but three crops of rice per year.

We get back on our bikes and cycle past a number of shrimp farms, and of course more rice paddies. Near to a large traffic circle and the highway we dismount once again for the most touristy part of the trip—water buffalo riding. This is when I learn that the only animal Kerran has ever ridden is a camel! The coolest part about this stop is actually the nearby brown cow (they don’t have black and white ones here) and the day old calf following it around as it learns to walk. After our carnival-like bull riding experience we get back on our bikes and cycle toward the river. We pass the countless beach side hotels and wave hello to the ocean. Like Danang, more resorts are popping up often. Our guide Viet’s wife works part time in one hotel doing laundry, but not for the next six months as she had their first child six days ago!

On the river side, we board a boat and take off our shoes as instructed. We are in Coco River, names for the long necked bird (is egret) that you can see everywhere. Coconut cake and sliced pineapple await us for a morning snack. We begin sailing away from land toward the open bay. Our first stop is a small fishing boat. A jolly woman rows from the back while a man throws a net out repeatedly. The net is beautiful as it’s tossed. We board their boat and see that they’ve just caught one small fish. Kerran tries and does well on his first try. I kind of suck at it. We don’t catch anything but the experience is cool. Admittedly this is pretty late in the AM for this.

We get back on our bigger boat and sail on. We pass the fishing village of a Cua Dai (another name for the river) where Viet grew up. This is a village with about 5000 people. In 2000 about 90% of people worked in fishing. Today, only 40% work in fishing and the majority of others have moved to tourism. Viet is one of five kids—his brother is in construction but all three sisters work in hotels as chambermaids, doing laundry etc. All of the girls stopped school at age 12 while the boys continued. Today however schooling is compulsory for both genders until age 18. Similar to our first guide, Viet got electricity in 1993. He remembers the whole village circling around the two televisions in 1998 to watch a soccer match. In 1999 UNESCO names Hoi An a historic world heritage site. Tourism has been growing exponentially ever since. In 2017 Hoi An saw and estimated 2.5M tourists. Last year there were 3.8M. There are 150,000 people living in Hoi An! Viet thinks about 70% are from China and Korea, and this is less good as most reside in Chinese owned hotels in nearby Danang.

We sail onward toward the water coconut forests. These plants aren’t endemic to the area and are originally from the Mekong delta and used to help prevent erosion. The coconut forest was also a hiding place for about 140 Vietnamese during the American war. Only about 40 survived, half of which were heavily injured. In this place about 1000 people died, including the Vietnamese soldiers, Americans and locals. In wet season they hid right in the water eating fish and the oysters that dot the palm trunks. In dry season they covered themselves with mud to camouflage themselves from the Americans. Today it’s a beautiful area (well, the parts that aren’t littered with trash). The crew of our own boat demonstrated how to use circular basket boats made of bamboo. They are waterproofed with tar and cow dung. The Vietnamese originally created these (based on a Welsh boat) because the french taxes the length of boats and this significantly decreased the cost. Today they cost about 200-250 US dollars. The staff do a demonstration, cheekily singing Gangnam style as they go. Then we get in and it feels as if we’re on a tilt a whirl. After this bit of touristy and somewhat gimmicky fun, Viet also boards the boat and we sail through the forest. We pick up garbage as we go and eventually reach an area without too much litter. Both Viet and the boat rower start using palm leaves to create some very impressive origami. He also constructs two fishing rods and baits them with an oyster from the palm leaves. We are going fishing for crabs. Kerran lures the crab in with his bait and we scoop the black crabs with purple pinchers into what looks like a leftover gasoline or washing detergent canister. We catch a few but they are all quite small so we ultimately let them go.

We then board the big boat again and head toward our last stop to try another type of fishing. Nearby the beach we board the small basket boat once again to get to shore. On shore is a large contraption used for reeling in a giant net. Typically these fisherman are out from 5pm to 3am but our host is up and about for us. He’s heavily tanned from being in the sun and has use only of one arm and yet he manages to reel in this heavy thing. The large net has holes in very strategic places and he strategically moves the net to get out the fish. This morning we catch nothing but small babies so we let those go.

Back on board the bigger boat the crew is making us lunch. As always with these touristy things, there is more food than we can handle. We start with spring rolls, then get a calimari salad, grilled mackerel, tons of rice, traditional morning glory and the pancake spring rolls I had last night. Dessert is mung bean cookies. I am completely stuffed. We sail back to shore and Viet boards a small van with us back to our hotel. The driver could be a NYC cab driver—he’s a bit aggressive and swerved around tour busses. I am genuinely fearful for the motorbikes on the road!

We’re back to the hotel in time to freshen up before Hoai picks us up at 1:25pm to take us to the airport. We bid farewell to Hoai and take the one hour flight to the mountain region of Da Lat.

Boy are we glad when we get here. It’s cool!!! Our guide, who insists we call him Frankie, meets us at the airport. He’s clearly more outdoorsy than the other guides, and much younger, just a few years older than we are. He studied law and English at university but after a year of attempting to practice law in Saigon after university, he was itching to come back and become a guide. He says his mom was not thrilled! He has both a ten year old and 1 year old girl.

We check in at the Dalat Palace Hotel, originally built by the french and finished in 1922. It has all the charms of a historic hotel but admittedly, is in need of a bit of a renovation.

We freshen up and meander into town where a bustling night market takes place. This weekend is also a holiday weekend so Vietnamese tourists are everywhere. The night market here is less touristy and more authentic-people selling warm weather clothes and countless foods. You can easily identify the Vietnamese tourists because they are dressed in hats and scarves. It’s probably about 65 degrees.

We eat a bit off the main drag at a small restaurant called Trong Dong. When we arrive we’re the only ones there but a few other couples wander in. There are only about 7 or 8 tables here—each covered with a plaid table cloth that is then layered with a white one. It’s quiet and cute with an extensive menu of Vietnamese food. We learn at this dinner that Da Lat produces wine (it’s okay). I get a delicious clay pot of spicy pork.

We’re exhausted after dinner and meander our way back through the night market toward tour hotel which is perched on a hill and overlooks the towns lake. We stop to take pictures of an impromptu dance session and the boards of people eating and enjoying the market. This city is funky—it’s both beautifully adorned with flowers (earning it its name of the flower city) and also somewhat kitschy with lights all around. We’re ready to explore!

[renegadesepiida]

From February 3 until February 11 another King of the Hammers race week made Johnson Valley an enormous cloud of dust. I’d heard about the craziness of this event since I arrived in the Southern California desert five months ago. That was the time of innocence, thinking there was no possible way our country would take the turn that it has, and out here I was definitely in the minority.

While I don’t want to get too wrapped up in politics, it does have an influence on the world we live in and of course how people see each other. It is a shame, which is why I prefer to keep traveling, to experience every culture, and to understand it with respect. I looked at this event as a perfect way to do just that, understand and respect why these people feel this way.

The first thing I should do is to explain what King of the Hammers is. How my boss explained it to me and just so everyone knows these are the words coming out of a government park institution leader whose family all grew up in this area (so don’t hate me if you’re offended by the next sentence). “It’s a shit-ton of drunk rednecks who come out here with all their heavy machinery to tear up the desert.” Honestly, after hearing that I was way more terrified of participating than I was at the actual event. I expected super rowdy drunk off their ass spectators and racers on motorcycles, quads, and every other tricked out ATVs (all-terrain vehicles) you could possibly think of. There were plenty of tricked out vehicles, which were soooooo awesome to watch. I originally thought the vast majority of people were extremely kind and were just there for fun. In fact, there weren’t people just from that area, but all over the country and even the world. It was truly an international event with people driving from Canada, flying from England, Australia, and even China (along with many others).

I couldn’t believe some of these rigs, they cost upwards of hundreds of thousands of dollars, crazy. I could never save up money for that, it’s the racers business, and if this event is anything to go by, business was good.

BOOTH DUTY

For my part, I was working with Art, the Mojave Desert Park Ranger (the only one), to educate the public on the native flora and fauna out in the desert and show them that they should protect it. A lot of the education was geared towards kids, but the teens and adults also got involved with questions and wanting to hold the animals Art brought. All the animals were rescues, or in the case of the baby desert tortoise, born and raised in captivity.

In the case of the desert tortoise, which is an endangered species, we told the people that, should they want a pet tortoise, to adopt one from a shelter. When they are taken out of the wild and interact with humans they develop a respiratory condition that can cause them to die around 15, the female breeding age, and will be passed to their offspring. Therefore, none of them can ever be returned to the wild. And this is especially sad because they can normally live for over a hundred years, and could be passed down through human generations. But they might be picked up, exposed and after a few years the people who took them get tired of looking after them and leave them back out in the desert where, soon enough, they die.

BTW: It’s actually illegal to take them, even really to interact with tortoises at all (except if they are on a road, then you can pick them up, keeping them low to the ground, and move them off in the direct they were originally going.) Also if you see any broken shells DO NOT COLLECT, scientists need to be able to see that that area is a tortoise habitat, otherwise people may try to build on it, displacing many more animals.

PSA… Anyways…

We also passed out maps of much of the land for free, don’t want anyone to get lost, and then it would also help them know where and where not to ride their ATVs. Everyone was extremely grateful for all of this information, and they were happy that the BLM (Bureau of Land Management – who I work for along with ACE – American Conservation Experience) was out getting involved with the public. A government branch that actually cares about the environment and the people – crazy!

Almost everyone who came by our booth really opened up to us: telling us where they are from, what they like to do for fun, and how they feel about the entire environment we were currently in. It’s interesting to see how people will act when you get them talking.

Along with the tortoise we also had a dead, stuffed raven, to explain how they eat the baby tortoises (first pecking through the soft underbelly of the shell, and then one they develop harder shells pick them up, bring them to telephone wires and then drop the tortoises on the rocks to break them – smart animals). Other than the tortoise, the living animals were as follows:

A false widow – looks like a black widow but not venomous and very common.

A desert hairy scorpion – also big (ladies are larger and almost white – glow in the dark with a black light, males are smaller and darker) and a little venomous, but not dangerous unless you’re allergic, like bees. And also very common here, shake out your shoes and jackets, really anything you left on the ground while camping.

A chuckwalla – lizard who thrives in 90+ temperature, with loose skin flaps on its sides so when it runs between rocks it can blow itself up like a balloon to keep predators from yanking it out and the detachable tail.

A California king snake – black and white (sometimes brown or red too, depending on the region) snake who eats all the other animals (including rattlesnakes) so the top predator that is nice to people and keeps us all safe and happy.

The desert may seem empty, but it’s sooooo not.

I spent most of the time with a baby northern alligator lizard, that Art saved to feed to his king snake, who loved my body heat and crawled up my sleeves and hung out under my shirt collar for hours on end. I named it Geoffery Carlile, and didn’t change it when I found out it was female; the name was too good. So now I have a pet/buddy.

OTHER SHIT

We did have a couple less than sober people come by, especially because the vast majority of adult (young to old) were carrying around cans of beer in cozies. But with thousands of people passing over the week there was only one man (probably in his late 50’s or 60’s) who passed celebrating Trump’s idea of shutting down the BLM, and all the ideas he had for tearing down all the governmental structures. What that man probably didn’t know is that, without the BLM Johnson Valley would be taken over by the military and, thus, they could never access it, which would mean no more off-roading. So, YOU’RE WELCOME.

Also btw, that is not me being ok with how much of the land and habitats the off-roaders are messing up with all this crazy behavior. Just trying to appeal to what they care about.

  TIME TO ESCAPE

Because standing/sitting in a booth all day is boring as shit, there were times when I would take a walk to the bathroom and take a longer way back, passing the other stalls and the stages. Almost none of the vendors were selling their products because, as I later learned, the man who puts this on every year charges through the nose for placement, and makes the vendor give him a percentage of whatever they sell. By the end, he’s basically pocketing around a million dollars a year.

But, to the casual fan, this stuff doesn’t have too much of an effect. The booths instead have people sign up through email, which gives them an opportunity to win a $500 credit with their company, spin a wheel, and get free little prizes (like hats, cozies, stickers, etc.). While $500 might sound like a decent amount, most of the products cost over a thousand dollars, so good if you are in the market for stuff like what they sell, but worthless if not.

On Thursday, the day before the final 200-mile car race, one of the fire station volunteers (who also volunteers for the BLM) offered to help me escape the monotony of the booth for a while. I took him up on the offer, we climbed into his jeep and showed me two of the coolest parts of the racetrack: chocolate thunder and the waterfall.

Since I am more comfortable in heels, rather than flat shoes (completely serious) I wore my high heeled boots every day, this made it more impressive (?) to onlookers when I jumped out of the jeep at chocolate thunder and walked through the steep sand hill and over the rocks one handed. The lizard was hanging out in my sleeve still and I didn’t want her shaken up too much. When we arrived we could see that one of the customized jeeps had flipped and the crew was trying to set it right so they could finish the race. The canyon was very steep and rocky and we watched long enough for me to take several pictures and videos of the jeep being righted and passed a couple times.

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The second location was “the waterfall” which had a straight three feet rock that both cars and motorbikes had to navigate both up and down, depending on the race direction. I only got to see the cars going down, but that was pretty awesome. Took some pictures and more videos (btw they have cameras along the track and in helicopters overhead so they can film and live stream the entire race) and my favorite was when one car drove through it like it was nothing, almost on the tail of another car and then after getting through the rocky bit slammed on the gas speeding up on the sand. Vroom Vroom motherfucker

            Watching the whole race filled me with adrenaline; I just wanted to jump on a bike or into a car and speed over all obstacles. Wouldn’t even think twice, as long as the owner wouldn’t care if I messed up the vehicle… no fear. Didn’t get to, though.

Overall, the experience was generally enjoyable and I’m glad I got to talk to groups of people that I would normally clash with. And, as it is Valentine’s Day I wish love and understanding to all people of the world, wouldn’t that be great?

  Happy Valentine’s Day and be safe on all your adventures.

Long Live the Hammer King From February 3 until February 11 another King of the Hammers race week made Johnson Valley…