#like the ones that ive made mysef

[octopustronaut]

People who use Spotify how many playlists have you made?? Cause I love making Spotify playlists and I feel like I have too many but idk if it’s even actually a lot lmao

[koifishanonymous]

🪄

i am very curious about this :3

I KNEW I COULD COUNT ON YOU LET ME GET MY PLAYLIST

uh a little content warning i get pretty personal and existential with some of these so

no particular order

1. love, me normally by will wood

''I was nothing before, so I couldn’t have asked to be born // I'll be nothing again, so what am I between now and then? // Is there nothing to fear? Cause shit's getting weird // So to God who made this man, you better have one hell of a plan // And I'd rather be normal, yes, so normal // I suggest that we keep this informal // 'Cause a normal human being wouldn't need, no // To pretend to be normal, to be normal // Well, I guess that's the least that I owe ya // To be normal in a way I could never be // C’mon, c’mon, yeah, I said c’mon, yeah // C’mon, c’mon, yeah, I said c’mon, yeah

C’mon, c’mon, and love me normally"

basically the whole ending to the this song perfectly encapsulate both mmy mental state and my feelings towards love. like this song is the closest thing i have to an explanation. also just the way its sung, desperately and angrily almost just makes me explode

2. i / me / myself by will wood

"I am quantum physics // My witness brings me into existence // I wish I could be a girl, and that way // You'd wish I could be your girlfriend, boyfriend // Am I pretty enough to love back // No not yet // I wish I could be a girl, and really // I'd prefer it if you would use I, Me, Myself // Am I pretty enough, am I pretty enough // To fucking die // Little old me in a big world // Well I would give you my whole world // Little old me in a big world //I wish // All identities are equally invalid // Don't you think that there's a chance that you could live without it? "

basically the same as love me normally, but for my gender! i scream these lyrics because i wish I was as simple as just being a girl but i'm not and i would rather we lived without the pressure to know who you are, or even be only one things at a time

3. black out days by phantogram

"if I could paint the sky // well all the stars would shine a bloody red"

i dont know how to describe the meaning of this other than that is i had eldritch being powere, i would do this

4. achilles come down by gangs of youth

"You want the acclaim, the mother of mothers (it's not worth it, Achilles) // More poignant than fame or the taste of another (don't listen, Achilles) // But be real and just jump, you dense motherfucker (you're worth more, Achilles) // You will not be more than a rat in the gutter (so much more than a rat)// You want my opinion, my opinion you've got (no one asked your opinion) // You asked for my counsel, I gave you my thoughts (no one asked for your thoughts) // Be done with this now and jump off the roof (be done with this now and get off the roof) // Can you hear me, Achilles? I'm talking to you // I'm talking to you"

i relate to achilles a huge deal and to her this song for the first time, was like both patroclus and agamennon were whispering to me. this bit especially broke me

5. iris by the goo goo dolls

"and I don't want the world to see me // cause I don't think that they'd understand"

pretty straight forward, I've tried to open up to so many people and ive only pushed back and made to hear their problems, so I genuinely don't think they understand. good reason to not show mysef, but also because i dont know myself

6. art is dead by bo burnham

"I am an artist, please God forgive me // I am an artist, please don't revere me // I am an artist, please don't respect me // I am an artist, you're free to correct me // A self-centered artist // Self-obsessed artist // I am an artist // I am an artist // But I'm just a kid // I'm just a kid // I'm just a kid, kid // And maybe I'll grow out of it"

i really like creating things, and usually jm not even good at it and I cant help but feels thatbeing an artists has lost all meanibg. people only seem to make art with some sort of end goal and i want to be able to make without the pressure of having a job or school or every other problem in the world

7. sweet hibiscus tea

"And I'm not your protagonist // I'm not even my own"

i can 100% tell you that this is not my body, i am not me. i want to be the main character so bad but i know i'm not

8. people watching by conan gray

"I wanna feel all that love and emotion // Be that attached to the person I'm holding"

i struggle with developing close connections with anyone, i hide nyself and only create a facade you cannot get close to because its a curtain with nothing behind it

9. cardigan by taylor swift

"And when you are young, they assume you know nothing"

this is lyric hits hard because whatever i say gets dismissed, blamed on hormones, or childishness or some other teen "problem"

that all hahah i went a little overboard, and somehow still have more

[mental-health-advice]

Hi! Im 21 now, and ive come too finally start too put my mental health first and set boundries with when im feeling depressed, anxious etc. Since i didnt do that in my teens and i can see mo hownit affects me greatly; like how lost i was and how i would try too please everyone and sometimes act a certain way cause i thought it would make people like me or it was normal etc. And i have a few close friends, and i enjoy being with them and all that. But is it normal too finally realise that you now enjoy being alone more ? Also that you arent as close as you used too be as teens and maybe growing and changing also effects that but youre still friends? (I hope that makes sense). I’m trying too be more open with them with how i used too feel in the past and now about my mental health and how i felt/feel, so they can understand me better. And im still anxious too talk too them about my feelings and also lettinf them know how i want too forget some of my past because the reminders cause me too get triggered and have obssessive ruminating thoughts that are negative and make me think i am a bad person. And this includes asking them if i can delete photos/videos of myself from back then off their phones because i dont feel comfortable with them and how thinking about it is making me anxious, do you have any advice for how too do that?. Also i know that back then in my early/middle teens when like one or two people hurt me it did cause me too be a bit bitter and also effect my mh so sometimes i would then be bitter towards them after (which now i feel awful and guilty for) and take out those insecurities that were hit. — i know people say past mistakes, especially in your teens dont define who you are now and that you can forgive yourself, recognise them and how they were regretful or wrong and move on but i cant seem too stop obssesive over negative ruminating thoughts that im a bad person etc. And im beating myself up so much about it. And i think im making it seem worse then it is cause im now stuck in this depressive anxiety mode from it all, and im really trying too calm myself down and distract mysef. But its like i cant rememeber how i used too think before all this anxiety and stuff, and i cant ground myself or distract myself. And i think its probably because i havent talked too my friends or my sister either (who i love and feel comfortable with ) yet and got it off my chest. And i know i have too wait until they are free too meet up and all this but the longer it is the worse all my anxiety gets :( and i just want too control it and feel normal before i finally get too see and talk too them, Im trying too be gentle with myself but its hard. Sorry if this is long! I have a lot more anxieties and stuff i have too get off my chest and will probably put it in another ask. It feels lighter already too write this out and i am looking forward too all your advice and words😊 thank you for this blog and helping people!

Hey there,

Choosing to set boundaries with friends, with anyone really, is a really big step. Sometimes it can take people their whole life to realise how important making and having boundaries in place with people can be!

As we grow older and leave school, it is to be expected that we will move on from some friends, make new ones, and sometimes even grow further apart or closer to those people we grew up with. This all depends on our lives and interests and how things change for us, the directions we take in life and how they may differ from those we grew up with from our childhood or throughout our schooling. It is also normal that as we grow up we may prefer to be alone more than what we once were and this is completely normal and you are definitely not alone with this!

It can be so hard to learn to let others in no matter how much we want to and especially when sharing something with them that is so personal like our mental health struggles and how we are feeling or have felt in the past. I totally get that somethings that you went through in your past, you just want to forget, I think we all have some of those moments and I know it will be hard but can you just be honest as much as you feel comfortable with your friends? Maybe just by telling them that some of the past photos and videos of you that have been taken, that you are no longer comfortable with them and if they could please delete them. A good friend will listen to you and will not ask questions or make you give them an explanation as to why. A good friend will just be there for you and listen to you when/ if you want to talk and I think that if you do this then it will define just who your good friends are and who isn’t. Unfortunately you cannot make someone delete anything off of their phones but it’s completely OK and in your right to ask them too. Does that make sense?

When we have things that have happened in our past, whether they be good or bad, inflicted upon us by another person or not, it can be difficult to move on from those experiences and be OK with them. Yes you are right in saying that your past doesn’t define you, but you can use your past experiences to help you make better decisions for you in the present moment and your future and so maybe you could look at things from a different perspective? For example, use past mistakes to help you learn from them and not make the same mistakes again, grow from those mistakes to help make you a stronger and better person because of it. Does that make sense? Yes the ruminating thoughts may still be there, but if you try to look at things a little bit differently and use these ruminating thoughts to your advantage then maybe just maybe they won’t bother you as much or take up as much time in your head? Just something to think about!

I do not think that you are being a terrible person at all, I just think that you have been through a lot in your life and that now it’s all just getting to be a little too much and overwhelming as you are finding. I think this because you use to find it easier to distract yourself, calm your thoughts and to use grounding techniques. So maybe it’s time to go back to basics and go from there? Doing this doesn’t mean that you are weak or a failure, it simply just means that you have a lot going on right now and sometimes we all need some extra help and guidance to help us to get back to where we want to be in life.

When it comes to calming yourself down a good first step is to try to control your breathing and slow it down. We actually have a page on calming anxiety and panic which I encourage you to take a look at as it has a lot of helpful hints and different techniques on it. We also have a page on different grounding techniques which you can check out by clicking here. When you are in a better headspace then you will find that using different distractions will become a little bit easier, we just need to get you to that calm, better head space which I am hoping those above pages will help you to do.

It can be hard to do the above though when you have anxieties or stressors over not being able to see or catch up with friends or your sister. I can imagine that this may be made even hard with the pandemic. Can you call them though or shoot them a txt message? I know it isn’t the same as seeing them face-to-face but it may just be enough to help decrease some of your anxiety. What do you think? Also it’s important to know that when you do see them finally, just be yourself. They won’t care if you are anxious or are not doing the best, they will accept you for simply who you are and will be wanting to support you and be there for you because they care.

I really hope that all of this has helped a bit and please do send us in another Ask if you need to and of course let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going OK!

Take care,

Lauren

[bruhbertwest]

17 KWESSCHUNS!!!!!!!! TAGGED BY MOTHER FUCKING @moonrocksz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NICK NAME: AL. SEXY GAY MAN. ALSO BASTARD. ALSO MOTHER FUCKER

ZOE DICK: AQUARIUM

HITE: FUCKING!!!!! 5’ SOMEFING. HAVE NOT MASURED MYSEF LATELY. 5’ 5 I FINK!!!!!!!!!

HOG WART HOUSE: DO NOT FUCKING KNOW!!!! SOMEONE TOLD ME I WAS GRIFF AND DOOR ONCE

LAST THING I GOOGLED: XBOX LIEK WATER

SONG STUCK IN MA HEAD: EARLYER I HAD WARNING SINE BY DA TALKIE WALKIES SRUCK IN MY BRANE. NOW ITS SLIPRY PEEPOLE BY TALKIE WALKIS

AMOUNT OF SLEEP: IDK. 7 OR 8???

LUCKY NUMBERS: 3. ITS A SEXY SEXY NUMBER. ALSO 20

DREEM JOB: IVE SAYED THIS MANY TIMES BUT I WILL SAY IT AGAIN. MUSIC. EVERYTING ABOUT MUSIC. I WOULD LIKE TO BE IN A BAND PERHAPS AND MAKE MUSIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JUST. GOD. MUSIC IS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE

WEARING: DIS SEXY OUTFIT RITE HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FAVORITE SONGS (CURENTLY):

WHAT YOU SEE - HOEINGO BOINGO

MAKING FLIPY FLOPY - TALKY WALKIES

WHYD WE COME - HOEINGO BOINGO

IDK. ALL OF MORE SONGS!!!!

INSTRUMENCE: LERNING BASS GEETAR ALSO SOME GUITAR. IM TRYNA TEECH MYSELF DRUMS BECOSE I HAVE REALLY GOOD RYTHM AND I FUCKING LOVE PERCUSHUN. ALSO RECORDER AND I REALY WANNA LEARN SUM HORNS. PIANO AND KEYBORDS. ALSO SOME TRUMPET AND JUST. I KIND OF WANT TO LEARN EVERY FUCKING INSTRUMENT BECAUSE IM IN LOVE WIT THEM ALL

RANDOM FACTS: MY DICK BIG

ASSTHETICS: IDK FUCKING!!! CACTUSES AND DESERT. WORN OLD BOOTS AND UNEARTHLY PRIMAL ANIMALS. ALSO FIRE AND BREATHING FIRE. ALSO WARM HUGS FROM LOVED ONES AND BEING GAY. ALSO INSTRUMWNCE. ALSO VINTAGE 80S FINGS. ALEBRIJES!!!! VINYLS. COLLECTING FINGS. VINTAGE SOUND GEAR. LITLE CLOWN DOLLS AND TIN ROBOTS AND KNICKNACKS. HIGH VOLTAGE SIGNS. TACTICAL KNIVES. ALSO OVERALL BRIGHT COLORFUL VIBRANT FINGS WITH ELEMENTS OF PUNK. ALSO SCREAMING AT THW TOP OF MY LUNGS AND SWEATING ALL OVER THE PLACE. POSTERS SHIRTS AND MEMORABILIA ALL OVER DA WALL. IDK. FINGS THAT ARE ME!!!!!!!! ALSO I MADE DIS MOODBOARD WHICH KINA SUMS IT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!

TAGGING @molaynnaise @treehouse-of-horror @bitter-cherry-bastard AND WHOEVER THE FUCK WANA DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[tempestpaige]

what are some of the places in that spent the weekend in toronto post? i live here and i wanna visit! thank you

i made that post awhile ago and i don’t remember all the places i visited so i will make a generic top cool places in toronto ive been that i definately remember 

korean grill house - i go here every time i visit toronto! very tasty and great price all you can eat kbbq. ive been to multiple locations and the quality is consistent 

sarah & tom gift shop - a cute store that centers on kpop merch, plushies, and stickers and small accesories.

mr.pen - similar to sarah and toms but from what i remember, more of a focus on non-kpop merch (though there is some there for sure)

pacific mall - a giant mall that is composed entirely of asian owned businesses. super cool! theres a ton of shops here, i spent over 6 hours here alone. there are so many stores here, shop around, be wary of the clothing shops because the prices are extremely high and you typically can negotiate for a deal in some places. i don’t remember shop names specifically, but i went to a couple decently priced beauty shops, and one accessory store where i got a lot of cute socks for cheap. shoutout to the nooodle place sun’s kitchen in the second floor food court, i had the best bowl of noodles there 10/10 would recommend

 Uncle Tetsu’s - The best japanese stye cheesecake you can get outside of japan probably. i went to the location thats attached to pacific mall but from what i understand there are a few of these in toronto. it was $10 for a big japanese cheesecake and i ate it by mysef at 12 AM in our hotel room with my hands like a disgusting gremlin woman because we didn’t have forks and i didnt know how to get any, it tastes really good warm. i miss it and i want some right now. 

obviously there is so much more to see in toronto and since you’re a native you probably know about all these places! most of the times i went with toronto i was with other people and so i wasn’t really paying attention to exactly where we were going. theres also a billion really cute bubble tea places ive been too in toronto but i dont recall the names. theres a million more places i want to check out. i loooove toronto. 

[innocencelives]

i feel fucking horrible. i didnt think that post last night about the 2 different types of trauma survivors would be so relevent to todays shittiness. last night i was tprous to be fucking disaster, today i realize it has left me friendless, familyless, and alone. i hate everything about mysef. theres another girl at work who is my foil, the good survivor. the details...listens to emo music, classic triggerd, cant walk alone at night, easily angered, perfrct. i wish. i WISH i could look out a window and its raining and theres one crystal tear coming out of my eye but no. the only gold thing about being a trauma survivor is you project sadness, so people feel bad for you. I DONT EVEN HAVE THAT. i make 1900 dick jokes a second, i talk too loud and interrupt and am annoying, im so annoying!!! im wierd, i dont listen o sad “whyyyyy did this happeeeeen” music i listen to kendrick lamar saying SUCK MY DICK. i dont avoid sex bc kt....reminds me....of the bad tomes....oh no...so hard....much sadness....feel emapthy for me. i let everything with two legs and a dick fuck me. thats nor fun to look at or be friends with. all the people who dont text me back, there good people who just cant handle me, and thats what hurts. the people who shit on me have every right to. thats why i relate more to kanye west than evanescence. bc i toast to the douchbags, im not fun to be around!!!! when i say im a shitty person, i dont do shitty things, i just am made of pure exceement. even nice, kind, loving people cant handle me. im just the worst hahavabd its my fault!!! ill never be fun. when im sober im a mess and when im DRUNK im MORE of a mess. haha i just can do anything right. im done with this job. ive already ruined it, they wont promote me bc its obvious no one likes me. time to move on to the next environment where in about...hmm...i give it 6 months 3 days and 43 seconds before i have to leave bc ive fucked THAT up to. if you like me,confucking gradulations i have tricked you. youll leave me anyways, bye bye.

[meganiumgender]

honestly? yr an icon and an idol and every time i see one of your selfies i am FLOORED like my gay ass is never ready. also wes do you have any advice on what to wear to a lesbian holiday party? i have one tomorrow night and my go to look is flannel but i feel like that’s trying too hard like. it’s a lesbian party. they get it. you always look 🔥 so any tips would be greatly appreciated i am so fashion blind and v in need of a gf please help ya girl out ~

fdhkgbdfhkg you are SO SWEET im in love w u kjsdbfjkdsbjkd

also how the fuck do u get an invite to a lesbian holiday party like when and where i want in 

but like! as 4 the question! under a readmore bc i dont know how to shut up!!

like. i dont believe theres a such thing as “too much” here but for what id wear 

personally i’d say u cant lose with a nicely fitted sweater (cleavage window not required, though fun), leggings, and either boots or chunky heels (u dont wanna wear stilettos to a party if ur gonna be standing a lot. trust me. ive made many mistakes.) 

its simple and it Works (a lot of what carries my looks is the fact i do a full face of makeup tho, keep that in mind - i actually dress pretty plain) 

or u could wear a dress if yr comf with those!! for most of my fancier holiday events i have a jewel necked wine red pouf skirt dress that i rly love

or if u wear ur flannel (id recommend red bc Festive and Gay) u could always wear it in a different way or smth - tying it around ur waist isnt tacky, dont listen to straight people, its still a look - pair it with black leggings and a black tank top with a necklace and yr in business (would recommend, again, boots or chunky heels)

but honestly like there are two things u need 2 kno before following any fashion advice from me, which are:

1. im… this is very sweet but i genuinely dk how to dress mysef ive fooled you all - i just see colors that look good together in my head and go with it and if anyone tells me its tacky i can just say im gay and be done with it (i also frequently wear tank tops in the winter because im hot blooded as hell so i know nothing abt seasonal dressing kjsbgkjds)

2. the last christmas party i went to i wore a sweater with a window for my cleavage in it like…. i have no idea what subtlety is and if i think it’ll get a laugh i’ll do it. i’ve also worn hawaiian shirts out in public before. also in winter. im just here to have fun.

but really the best advice is to just wear what ur comfortable in?? thats cheesy as fuck but!!! like!!! im right!!! if u think you look good as shit in a flannel then wear that - like i said there is like. no such thing as too much

it also depends on personal style like im…pretty fuckin femme so im more comfortable dressing way way up than most people are n i realize that my friends that like dressing more butch would fuckin hate to wear my outfits but we r all equally hot and equally gay nonetheless yk

[flowermist7432]

Im sorry

I remember once when I was little, atleast around 5 years old. I was hated by almost everyone and one day i was beated up by a girl at school, and she didnt get in trouble for it so my my body was brussied and battered and when I told my grandma what happened she said it wasnt bullying cause if it was I would of told a teacher so she didnt do anything about it. It had gotten SO bad that I tried to kill myself with a Green fussy scarf I had and try to hang myself. But obviously it didnt work. And so one day at night we were all given a stuffy. I got a fluffy small brown bear. And I named him Beary. He was the best thing I ever had, when ever I cryed or felt sad I held onto him tight. Whenever I had a nightmare he made all the bad feelings and monsters go away, he made me feel calm. And my Imaginary friend I named meep, it was super realistic and she was technically my only friend I had. And she helped me through alot in my life. And one day she told me that "It doesnt matter if im different, it matters if i choose to emmbrace it" I still have them both in my life and people tell me to grow up and act responseable and act like a normal women and stay in line and be more mature and that im not aloud to cry. But why should I give up and forget the few things I had in my life that helped me. That helped me go on, that brought me to this point to my life. Why forget all the good things in my life and just be another person. Im 14 and still have my bear and sleep with him everynight. I still love and hold onto my childhood dreams and imaginary friends. Its my hope in this dark world im liveing in.. -Im sorry im slow I like to take my time and just live life. -Im sorry im sensitive Iv been hurt alot and dont appreciate what your saying even if its just a joke -Im sorry im to nice. Im too nervous and dont want to be mean even if the person is awful. Im sorry that im sad and im not happy. Im sorry if I seem like im not trying. I really am. I really am trying I swere. But at my age I cant do to much to help myself without some help. Im sorry I am stupid Im sorry im stupid Im sorry that im cringey Im sorry that I am who I am. But I cant change that. Im sorry that im a girl but I dont act girly like I should be. Im sorry I dont like to wear make up. Im sorry. I am sorry. Im sorry that I cant get out of the hole i'm in. And that I just get up and get out. Its not that easy. With all the years of hate and saddness tragedy. Its hard, its really hard. Its hard to love myself, its hard to look at mysef and say im pretty. And that im funny nd cool. Its hard to be happy. Am sorry im like this. I just need to vent out, im reaching out to people who care enough to want to help. Because when I dream. Its so nice to feel myself relax. Because when I do finally fall asleep I dont want to wake up

[starliightmade]

update

tw for suicide, self harm, and depression under the cut

okay so. i’m sorry if i worried anyone last night. i am fine. my family is fine. `

last night, my sister and i had a bonfire and sat up together late into the night. her mental health has been pretty poor lately and she’s struggled with major depressive episodes, but things seemed to be stable. our parents were out of town. i went to bed and she was up texting her gf. i got a text from one of her friends that she was in danger of hurting herself

i went and i sat with her for hours. made her food and talked and tried to calm her down. she didnt take anything or hurt herself. things seemed to be okay and then i guess she got another text tht upset her and she got loud and physical when i tried to keep her door open. i ended up sitting outside her doorway for hours and didn’t sleep. i checked on her all night and called my parents in the morning. 

theyre here now, they know everythig that happened, and the four of us have spent the day together. i think things are okay for now and we’re getting her help. but if youve talked to me at all you probbly know ive been sick with worry for the past few weeks and last night was kinda like everything ive been afraid of happened. and i could have handled it better. i feel like i could have done things to prevent it. 

anyways im. wrecked from exhaustion and my own depression and anxiety is just ruining me. i havent felt this down in a long time and i am trying really hard to pull mysef out of it 

please just know i’m going to be slow and selective with everything for the next little while. im completely cleaning and rearranging my room and living space and im. probably gonna just throw myself into my music and my podcast for a while. so i’m still here, i’m just gonna be low activity for a few days. 

thanks for stickin w me

[leahimnotoriginal-blog]

Time Capsule Evaluation

After weeks of preperations and hard work, our production company concocted a perfromance following the Time Capsule Event breif. Feeling ready and prepared everyone gave it their all on the 2nd of December. It was an Amazng experience to work with all different talented people. This peice of written work will help me identify what was specifically good with in how I performed and what I should keep in mind for any future performances to improve on.

After watching back the performance that was recorded I found it interesting to look back and being able to pick out bits that i thought was good and things the I would need to improve on:

Skills

Projection/ pitch/ tempo - A very important part of performing is that to make sure your voice is matching up with the emotions and point of the scene you want to put across. I feel i did this particularly well in the ‘Charleston’ party scene when I play a character who is loving the 1920′s now woman have more freedom, The way i mainly show this is through physicality and voice; on my queue I scream loudly in an urge of excitement. I belive this to show exactly what i wanted it to and filled the entire space.

But There were a few times where I noticed I could have been louder. One of the time that stood out most was with in my monologue. The monologue consisted of a heart warming story, based on one of the Dacers Auntie and her life as a professional dancer. During this i know I should have projected a lot more as shown on the recording im not loud, So if i were to do it again i would practice projecting the monologue with all the actons and the tone of voice.

Facial Expressions - this skill also demonstrates to the audence whats is hapening in that scene and the emotions a character would be feeling. I feel as though i was quite consistant with most of my facial expressions and made the not too exagerated but not to subtle. Points i found my self acting through facial expressions a lot was when I was sat at one on the tables as though I was wtching the show not in it (Like in Cabaret).I found mysef sat next to Clover a lot and I feel we reacted appropriatly and relivantly to the show and the era.

There were some times where i was lacking in facial expressions; White Cliffs Of Dover. This was a song I was performing with in a duet, what i think went wrong here was, im not all that confident with my singing so I was focussing more on that rather than what I was physically doing. Some thng to improve on if i were to do the entire thing again. I would try not to stress as much while singing or at least make it less obvious by keeping in character and just carrying on like nothing went wrong if something doesnt go to plan.      

Body laguage - Again like ive said before voice and facial expressions show the audience the emotions on what hapening in the scene, body laguage and gestures are also a contributing factor. I think the main time I make my gestures deliberate and not naturalistic was while performing ‘Merry Christmas Maggie Thatcher’. The entire sone is a mick take of how Margret Thatcher messed up a lot of people lives when she closed down the mines. This would obviously have effected a lot of the audience becuase they lived through it. Everyone else took part in an ensemble dance where they we just showing anger toward Maggie Thatcher and I come out as a mick take of Margret Thatcher with a cardboard cut out mask. Theres one point where i get tripped up at the front and fall over, seeing as i have a mask on i had to make a big gesture to show im falling over. If i had more time on this prject i would try and rehearse this scene more with the mask on because it was quite difficult to stick to the original blocking with the mask on.

Singing/ Vocals - In the time capsule performance I sang ‘White Cliffs Of Dover’  as a duet. I liked the idea of what would happen along side singing that me and my duet partner came up with. The idea was to Have people slow dancing behind us on stage (to use as kind of an example) and then have some of the the other members of our theatre company get up and ask the audience to dance alongside, this would then check of one of our brief key points; audience participation. The reason we decided to do this was because we both didn’t want the main focus to be on us, mainly me as I have not got the most confidence singing and I felt a lot more comfortable knowing that there was something else happening in the meantime the event I had messed up. I had made a mistake during the song by singing the wrong lyric at the wrong time. In the song its pretty much the same lyrics repeated apart from the last line of the chorus (which is where I went wrong) the first chorus the lyric is ‘tomorrow just you wat and see’ and on the second chorus its ‘tomorrow when the world is free’, I sang the first one on both, which isn’t correct.  If I were to perform this again I would listen to the song more to make sure I knew the lyrics inside out. Also, I made it somewhat obvious that I had made this mistake because my facial expression had totally changed so for future reference I need to make sure that even if something goes wrong I need to stay in character and carry on like nothing happened.

As far as me actual vocal side goes I feel like I have done myself proud because (like I have said before) my confident level is quite low, I think at times I could have projected more and try not to let confidence come effect projection. Also, the harmonies were there but they were not as strong as I would have liked them to be I feel like me and the duet partner wasted some time trying to come up with them on our own and we should have gone to someone who knows a bit more about harmonies and asked them for, which is what after trying them ourselves)  

Dancing – I didn’t take part in much of anything dance wise during this performance, I feel like if the company had more time on this performance I would have tried to get involved with a dance at some point in the performance. As someone studying Musical Theatre I feel it would benefit me a lot if I had some experience with dance so in future performances this is definitely something to look into.

The Rehearsal Process

As a Theatre company, I feel as though we used the majority of our rehearsal time effectively. We didn’t have all that long to come up with ideas and devise a performance consisting of all three; Acting, Singing and Dancing. We all contributed a bit of something in each rehearsal, whether that may be an idea, peer feedback, sourcing props ETC. But obviously, there were things that everyone could do to make our time spent more effective.

For me personally I feel as though I occasionally took advantage of time especially when all the people I was in scenes with were busy. I could have been going over my monologue or the harmonies in ‘White Cliffs of Dover’. Within the next performance, I need to make sure that anytime I feel as though I have nothing to do, find something because there is always something. Also, I think it would have been beneficial to come in on my days off and rehearse more with peers just to get those scenes that I felt unsure about in the performance, secure and fully confident with. Not a scene as such but I feel like an example of needing extra time (Extra rehearsals) this would have been the transitions between the scenes and knowing the entrances and exits inside out.

Improvements

I have already referenced what improvements I would have made regarding my skills and techniques but there’s also improvements that I would make more toward the brief and the target audience’s needs. One of the main parts I feel I lacked was audience participation, at points there we opportunities given for me to get up and dance with the audience in ‘Shout’ what held me back from this was if I had asked someone who was not fully capable to get up and dance to a fast pace song that would then mean I wasn’t considering the needs of the target audience (elderly people who tend to have reduced mobility)  

Also, I believe throughout the performance many of my peers went around the tables in character of staff serving tea and socialising with the audience. Due to my confidence level and how consistent my scenes where it didn’t have the chance to do this. So, if I were to do the performance again I would push myself to take part in this and contribute more to the cabaret experience for the audience.  

Conclusion

Throughout the weeks our theatre company has had to do this I feel not only have we devised a community arts show and performed it but we have bonded as a group while doing so. The meaning of community art is;

Giving out a moral into society using the creative arts in the community via singing, dancing and acting. Coming together as a group to pass on an impressionable message and give back to those around us.

For our group, it was our aim to help the Dementia and Alzheimer patients with in our community reminisce about their entire lives using songs, skits, familiar scenes, dance and performance styles and costume from different era’s (1920’s to 1980’s). I believe by doing a lot of research into all the era’s we made a somewhat accurate performance that I truly hope they enjoyed watching as much as I enjoyed taking part.

[ilygsd]

170918: 1

everyone i hear and everything i read says i should leave. i would never let my little sister or friend be with a person like him. so why cant i? why do i still want him? why do i think that he has what i want? he’s just an empty shell. he’s just manipulating me. he’s an asshole. but i just want to give him more chances. i just want to feel THAT whatever the fuck it is im feeling. im not even in love with him, im just obsessed with the feeling. its everything ive ever wanted. safety and unconditional love. from a sociopath??? safety from someone so impulsive and unpredictable? unconditional love from someone who cant even feel basic empathy? HAAH.

i know with every bone in my body that i dont want to be with this person. i JUST had a fredh start, i dont want to be ruined again. i dont want to be destroyed again. not again. not so soon. i wouldnt be able to get up this time. i really wouldnt. i KNOW FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART that i DONT WANT to be with a sociopath who cant fucking ever love me in a normal way, who cant ever respect my feelings in a normal way. i DONT WANT to spend my precious time on someone like him

so WHY is this so hard? ffs i didnt even realise i was obsessed until my mom and ex challenged me to not talk to him for a week. its not like i was super engaged and texted him all the time, but now when i KNOW i cant talk to him…. fucking abstinence. i feel like shit?? ive known this guy for max a month and i feel like absolute shit. i feel lonely and worthless without him, which is weird because i know my mom and ex loves me so much more than he’ll ever be able to do. i feel ashamed like im disappointing him. i feel WEAK for letting my emotional ass get manipulated like this

he didnt even have to do much tbh. its not like he’s giving me attention and love 24/7, he’s pretty……… normal?? maybe its not the attention i want. maybe its his intellect. he seems so sure of himself and as i said, i can identify myself in him. i want to think good of him because i want to think good of me. that i deserve to be happy like him.

this is so dangerous im so fucked. at least i cant smell him on my skin anymore (omg pls i sound like a fkn creep, do u know how much i’ll cringe over this when this is all over 😔😔). ive become obsessed with other ppl too, thats why i partly want to blame myself and not him. the difference is that those were good people. normal people. they realised that im fucked up and unstable so they ditched me before i could start anything. this little fella right here doesnt. he wants to control people, we’re a perfect fuxking match made in heaven.

fuck keep your head, keep your head. i low key regret i ever told my mom and my sister and thats dangerous. i will NOT hold secrets to them. if i do i’ll only turn to him. i’ll isolate myself. not because he tells me to, he wouldn’t need to be that controlling. i’d do it automatically because i want to. fuck me. i want to meet him. i want to cuddle with him just one more time. just a little longer. i want to hear his voice, i want him to sweet-talk me to sleep. i want to live in his little dream world and let him live for me. im too tired anyways and he knows that. i always tell him things before i realise myself. one of the first things i said was that he makes me feel safe and calm and that i just want to give in. ive told him so many things because i cant shut the fuck up and hold my feelings and thoughts to myself. im too anxious, i need constant reassurance because i dont trust mysef

one day i wont need my mom or my ex. one day i will be able to make these decisions completely on my own. and when i can do that, i wont have to be afraid of people like him using me. i will be able to be with him….. what the fuxk is that my motivation again? ”recover and heal so you can be with this sociopath?” as long as i want to be with him im not recovered right. its when i DONT want to be with him right

wow im so proud and happy i recognised this so early though. in that way its kinda good i dont shut up but have to talk to my mom all the time so she can give me advice. i mean if i didnt tell her, i’d probably go back to him. i’ll probably go back to to him again after this week is over. thats how fucking much i miss him. i cant eat, sleep or think. i dont even watch any series anymore. i dont know what the fuck is up with bts or anything. i cant study. i want to go back. i want to sleep next to him. i want to hear his heartbeat and i feel his scent. i want him to play with my hair and smile when he kisses me. i want to sleep with him. but i can absolutely the fuck not let that happen holy shit

he was right abt that. i wasnt aware but its true i need an emotional bond to sleep with someone. thats probably why i got this weird mating/impregnation kink anyways EW SORRY FOR TOO MUCH INFORMATION I HATE IT BUT I CANT HELP IT. I DONT WANNA BE USED AS A SEX TOY OR BABY MACHINES BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN…… the intimacy. if i were to let myself have sex with this manwhore, this really fkn horny bastard…….. i would basically try to bond with him again. i want to be a hoe, i want to be promsicous but i dont think i can

fuck that makes me so sad though for real. ive been aromantic and asexual for like 2 years, i was honestly scared i’ll never feel anything anymore. then i met him and i was so HAPPY THAT FINALLY I KNOW HOW TO BE IN LOVE AND SEXUALLY ATTRACTED AGAIN but SIKE, he’s a fucking sociopath it doesnt even count bitch. erasw him from your mind and you’ll realise that you still dont find anyone in this fuxking world attractive

fuck me in the asshole, someone save me. someone tell me WHY cant i be with him? who cares? i just want to die anyways right. i mean he makes me feel stuff i obviously want to feel. im obsessed, its my drug. its the easy way and im too tired to fight anyways. i just want to sleep. i just want to be taken care of. he could do that for me. everyone would be happy, he could brainwash me until i no longer have any individuality. great, right? would he really do that though? in a very subtle way in that case. he’s smart, he wouldnt want anyone to notice

i wonder how he feels about his diagnosis. if he likes it, dislikes it…. he said he was jealous of ppl who can feel empathy and that he used to feel it when he was younger. lost it when he was around 13. but like…… that could be bullshit because he only says shit after my reaction. he only started with his ”maybe it will come back” crap after he realised how……… not attracted i an to his sociopathy

and i wanna be a good person. i want to ve openminded. I IF ANYONE WANT TO UNDERSTAND SOCIOPATHS AND PSYCHOPATHS BECAUSE I MYSELF LOW KEY FEEL LIKE ONE, ALSAYS HATED AND DESPISED BY ANYONE AND EVERYONE. but wow…. when it comes to it i really cant. i feel superior. what the fuck is wrong with him. i feel sorry for him. this guy cant fucking feel basic love how sad isnt that. he’s a machine. a master ar disguise. he only lives to use. thats so fucked up

its scary how im isolating myself without him even telling me to. like he encourages me to talk to my mom and ex and get to know people and do my thing. right now its like im living in a bubbel. when im with him im in a bubble. i had trouble going to school yesterday because i was so caught up. when i meet other people its like i realise wow ih yeah im here. thats why in panicking. thats why i want to meet so many new people again now. i stopped chatting with people after i met him but now i feel like i have to.

he was worried i was rebounding with him after my ex. its more like the other way around. im trying to rebound from him. im trying to meet someone else like him so i can forget about him, but no one else is as interesting or as smart or as charming as him. its fucked up. je is a great guy…… uh…… if youre not in my position and let yourself get manipulated and used. i would NEVER have guessed if it wasnt for me being in love (or smth) and therefore wanting to know his TRUE intentions/feelings with out relationship whatever the fuck it is. i didnt understand his ”im just interested, it takes time for me to like someone”. but then we continued to fight and i realised this fuxker doesnt know how to stop, he doesnt feel guilt or regret

can i still be friends with him though? like he’s super smart i’d love to hear his advice on certain things. WAIT. why the fuck do i even want to be his friend?? hes still a fucking weirdo and you still dont know his intentions……. what if im overthnking? what if he’s avtually nice? NO ITS NOT BICE TO FORCE SOMEONE TO DEINK COFFEE ITS NOT NICE TO THREATEN SOMEONE TO TAKE AWAY THE BLANKET IF I DONT DRINK HIS COFFE AND TEELS HIM IT TASTES GOOD. ITS NOT NIXE TO GUILT TRIP ME OR ACCUSE ME OF TRYING TO MANIPULATE HIM WHEN HE JUST HURT MY FEELINGS SO MUCH I STATTED TO CRY. ITS NOT NICE TO ACCUSE ME OF GASLIGHTING WHEN I AVCUSED HIM FIRST OF GASLIGHTING.

im scared of him. im scared that he’ll be angry if i tell anyone about this

[sleepingsystem]

beep beep me being a stupid dumbass under the cut

- dave

head hurty- Today at 6:09 AM

ok i used to wish i was dirk and skyler got scared to read homestuck because they thought homestuck was behind A Trauma happening but like id get this physical ache in my chest? wishing i was someone else but im not a fragment. im a fully formed dude now. so i cant change shit im just kinda stuck how i am unless i integrate somehow which isnt likely god haha thatd be incredible me integrating only for skyler to split again and form the dude i wanted to be a man can dream sigh le sign wow i actually meant to type sigh but it came out as sign existing is fuckin exhausting. all this bullshit is exhausting having to communicate with half your friends through sticky notes is exhausting and stupid and i still cant get rid of the feeling that im not good enough at my job or whatever i mean i know i got formed sort of in the middle of all the cult shit but it went on while i was there. i didnt put an end to iti just kinda went with it because i just go along with everything maybe if i was someone else id have been more useful i really wish skyler had read to act 6 and gotten one of the actual cool dudes instead of me or hell why not like what else did they like percy jackson?? take him he got shit done unlike me i dont get shit done i just kind of sit there and let someone set trees on fire i guess this coffee probably isnt helping but i dont have wait no i do have benadryl but thatll put me to sleep so fuck that ive gotta work in uhhhhh less hours than itll take me to wake up from a benadryl nap man fuck me being an introject of someone elsewhy couldnt i have just been my own dude most of these other clowns are mae and z and guy and kindle and renaliy and the narrator and casi and bethany and scarlet and oh my god i can go on and on why did the brain get lazy on me a piece broke off and it was like 'fuck it i dont give enough of a shit about this one to make something up' well i guess thats not 100% true. cole is an introject and hes super useful at his job and hes so nice and stuff probably because hes actually a useful dude and i just roll with whatever punches wow this is getting more long and pathetic the longer im awake im gonna have to delete all these ugh thats so many to delete @discord gimme the mass delete option plox blaurgh i can hear someone awake and taking a shower

head hurty-Today at 7:05 AM

whatever its 7 am i got no sleep im gonna drink coffee and lay in bed and drink coffee and hate myself then eventually ill go downstairs and do the same goddamn thing jesus why did they let me do this ive got a strongly worded sticky note just waiting for these pricks wow jade and lucas just never go offline do yall goddamn

head hurty-Today at 8:11 AM

is it raining??i think its raining haha boy the world sure has conspired for me to be in this emotional state

head hurty-Today at 8:45 AM

i made coffee but i cant motivate mysef to get up and get a cup this is stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid i cant wait to get us out of this fucking house so i never need to front ever again

head hurty - Today at 9:30 AM

tfw even ur internal self helper gives up on u felt danny phantom gettin his help on in here somewhere or trying to i mean i cant hear inside very well or see or do much of anything the most interacting i ever did was when i was outside it and everything was on fire and i walked inside and ive been inside since then i guess but man cole sure was there for a sec felt worried? idek but he fucked right off tfw even the dude whose job its supposed to be to make sure people dont go batshit just quits im not gonna elaborate on what tf is because its pretty much self explanatory tf is shitty B( me and cole used to be so tight actually i used to be pretty tight with everyone like ok one time we were at this cool amusement park and we were holding pretty decent cocon and cole was on a roller coaster and all he did was grin didnt scream didnt move nothing just smiled and when we got off i was laughing so hard because oh my god what the fuck but now i cant even talk to him arurhgjhrghhh i should just move this to my blog idk what im trying to accomplish here ive had too much coffee and not enough sleep

[transcribemyworld-blog]

8/31/2017

im bad at love im bad at saying i love you im bad at wiping my tears                     ill say i love you but what i mean is that ill fuck you for a week and walk away    little boys play games but i always take a peek when theyre hiding their hearts away, dont come to me looking for a home cause ive never had one either im not a fairy tale i cant be save and i dont wanna be saved all i wanna do is live and i cant have that when you say you want me in the house with a kid or two      what am i supposed to do i wasnt made for you but you were made for me      let me melt your heart and eat you alive and see you die in the past with my other lovers that i left clinging to my clothes like i could save them from themselves when i cant even save myself i dont want you and you dont want me so stop treating me like your savior when i aint pure                               

maybe it was the black clothes or maybe it was the cold stare the mystery behind me that you would never see because you would become a part of it maybe you were so focused on finding someone to love that you never noticed if they loved you back because i cant, your just a stepping stone in the path i didnt mean to hurt you but i couldnt let mysef be hurt

so now all you are to me is another poem another line to sing and another drag from an everlasting cigarett i didnt mean it cause i didnt even feel it

im sorry i made you just like me

[transcribetheworld-blog]

Worlds collide

I have so many unsaid words that could have changed the course of us. We were unstoppable. The things is that we both knew what happened the last time someone said that. You and me, we were worlds away, worlds that a five minute walk would push together. You only saw me as something to use. Someone who hadnt left you. Maybe i was the foolish one. All things considered i didnt make the best decisions, i followed you like bread crumbs, i thought you my knight in shining armor. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I say this every time i need someone, but the thing is that i dont miss you. All i miss is the idea of us. The idea of having someone there to take care of me the way no one had bothered to do in so long. You damaged me more than i already was. You also made me laugh and smile, your stupid jokes. you werent all bad. You said you didnt plan for anything you just went with it. I knew better. I will always remeber our midnight talks when you would tell me how scarred you were of the future and how you didnt want to become the things you hated most. Your were like water, flowing never truly knowing were you were going but you just followed the crowd. I bring misfortune. Disaster. Im a bad luck charm. Ive been burned so many times that i had to learn how to become it, i had to learn to protect mysef and not let obstacles stop me but make me stronger. I was fire. We were killing each other but we couldnt stop. You were the one thing i couldnt consume and you could just go through me. Maybe we were worlds apart, but when we came together it was beautiful. Two powerful beings at the right place at the wrong time. I dont miss you. I dont miss you. I dont miss you. I dont need you. The memories are enough. I do want to thank you, for showing me that i cant destroy everything, but i can sure as hell try.

[transcribemyworld-blog]

Worlds Collide

I have so many unsaid words that could have changed the course of us. We were unstoppable. We both know what happened the last time someone said that. You and me, we were worlds away, worlds that a five minute walk would push together. You only saw me as something to use. Someone who hadnt left you. Maybe i was the foolish one. All things considered i didnt make the best decisions, i followed you like bread crumbs, i thought you my knight in shining armor. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I say this every time i need someone, but the thing is that i dont miss you. All i miss is the idea of us. The idea of having someone there to take care of me the way no one had bothered to do in so long. You damaged me more than i already was. You also made me laugh and smile, your stupid jokes. you werent all bad. You said you didnt plan for anything you just went with it. I knew better. I will always remeber our midnight talks when you would tell me how scarred you were of the future and how you didnt want to become the things you hated most. Your were like water, flowing never truly knowing were you were going but you just followed the crowd. I bring misfortune. Disaster. Im a bad luck charm. Ive been burned so many times that i had to learn how to become it, i had to learn to protect mysef and not let obstacles stop me but make me stronger. I was fire. We were killing each other but we couldnt stop. You were the one thing i couldnt consume and you could just go through me. Maybe we were worlds apart, but when we came together it was beautiful. Two powerful beings at the right place at the wrong time. I dont miss you. I dont miss you. I dont miss you. I dont need you. The memories are enough. I do want to thank you, for showing me that i cant destroy everything, but i can sure as hell try.