#like the chronic illness specifically related to my lack of energy/how tired i get when i use too much energy at once 😭

[autistic-katara]

mf my mum just said she “wishes she had my energy” 😭

[shesawriter39049]

|GOD SAVE THE QUEEN|M|JH|

(Does he not look like he should be scaleing a damn window?!)

SMUT/ ANGST

Pairing: Hitman Hoseok & Mob Boss OC

Genre: Mob/Mafia/Organized Crime/Drug cartels/Established/unofficial but lowkey official couple...

WC-10K (A good 3-4 of it is smut btw) 

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 “I’m going to fall a fucking part, and so will my families empire and then what!? WHO the fuck are they going to blame then!? Huh? Definitely not my damn brother, he’s too coked out to even tie his fuckign shoe laces neverthless run the family business!”

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Note- This is old...I have a TON of mob/mafia-related “Pilot” chapters as I call them..stashed in my google Docs! This is a heaverier/ agngisterst read by the way, not a downer but just heavy ya know? It works just fine as a stand alone, but by the end of it you can tell that when I initially wrote it I was setting it up to be a series! One that would eventually involve the other boys as well, so there is some backstory!

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Hoseok;s tatted, and just radiates soft dom energy…and tbh that’s all we need in this world

The OC is stressed, and needs a damn hug...the end!

Warnings: (Nonsexual- Strong language, mentions of guns, drugs/drug use and addictions, violence and mentions of chronic illness..not pertaining to Hoseok though)  

Warnings- Soft Dom Hoseok, breathe play, slight pain kink(very minimal prep before sex...by choice) overstimulation, handjobs, light come play, spit play, chill dirty talk....unprotected sex.Semi public sex-ish(in her office while the guards are outside the door...)

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Hibiscus island, Miami Florida 8PM 

‘Alright, so I’m looking at about, a half kilo of snow, hmmm, maybe a little over a quart of skag and a couple hundred Tabs of Molly…”

The line went dead on the receiving end causing the man in question to attempt the phrase again…maybe his connection was bad?

“Helll-lo? Boss I said I-”

“I heard you. Was there a an actual question in there somewhere or where you just letting me know your eyes still work?” The level of just…. dry...that fell from his tongue just now….

“Well I-umm no.No...I just wasn't told exactly what was being retrieved from the plane so I just wanted to make sure this was accurate and noth-”  The scoff that rung through the other end was borderline humiliating, as if to imply there's no way in hell he could even think this was “accurate”.

“No Mark, it’s far from accurate, but what you see in front of you is what’s there…”

Ahhh, so that explains his happy go lucky sunshine personality at the moment.

“Okay, well I’ll have this sorted and get the plane sterilized, am I sending this down to the west wing for a quality check first or is this just being disbursed to the runners?”

A deep agitated goan rattled in his throat, god whyyyy does everybody have so many questions today!?

“Just-just put it in one of the storage units for now, I’ll deal with it later” Hanging up the call before any more questions could be rendered because he honestly didn't have the patience to even pretend like he cared right now! The minute the call dropped his phone buzzed indicating he’d receive about his 8th text in a row from a person he’s a second away from releasing a full barrel face on! 

It took every ounce of self control not to just let the phone slip out of his hand and shatter against the patternized stone walkway swirling beneath his feet!

Clearly,Hoseok’s not in a good mood, like, at all...there’s just so much floating through his mind right now he’s practically running out of space to even breathe! 

He’s tired, Irritable, that earth-shattering smile of his is nowhere to be found, instead it appears to have been replaced by a semi-permanent snarl. Oh, and the best part, Germany, yeah that was a complete and utter shit show. It was supposed to just be a simple negotiation in regards to you guys expanding to a new territory. Yet he feels like the last thing he did was actually talk, I mean fuck palms still feel as though they’ve been damn near rubbed raw at this point.  Hours, that’s how long it took to rid his otherwise delicately stealth hands of their custom crimson overlay! And to make life even better, he’s the one who has the pleasure of sitting down and debriefing the whole failed mission to you! 

So yay, he loves that for himself...truly…

 Everything just feels heavy, his head, heart hell, even his spirit at his point! Feet dragging through the opulent Medetriann style courtyard as if they weigh more than he did. The only thing that somewhat has Hoseok in a decent mood was you, the fact that he’d be able to see you in person after what felt like 6 years, which in all actuality was a little shy of 5 days! 

Easing his way through oversized dual french doors, into an area that essentially acted as the east wing's  “Lobby” if you will, panes of white walls, and thick black arched windows framed the entryway. The dim lighting hanging from the cast iron chandelier gave the effect that the stark white walls were almost glowing against the moonlight peeking in. My point? The atmosphere appears calm at first glance, warm..inviting...everything Hoseok needs it to be right now because again he’s NOT in the mood for bullshit. All he’s dealt with over the past 120 some odd hours was bullshit! Hint’s why your European connect is a good, meh, four soldiers down at the moment!

I can’t say Hoseok had a specific…”Greeting” in mind upon strolling back into the compound tonight…..

However, what I can guarantee is the soundtrack that is you going full hulk mode in your office, while your guards stood outside looking like bats outta hell, definitely wasn’t high on his list! The men stationed at the security desk were already whipping their heads around before he even pulled the door open. Ah the beauty of cameras, at this point they weren’t sure what was worse. You, playing whack a mole behind the wall or Hoseok’s reaction once he put two and two together! 

It takes all of 3 steps before another piece of something glass and undeniably expensive shatters against the wall. Accompanied by a loud grunt on your behalf, voice breathy and fragile, which lets him know you’ve been at this for a while. 

The level of just, exhaustion he could hear heaving from your throat is what had him more alarmed than anything else. The fact that you clearly didn’t have the self-control to tell your body to stop…which isn't like you at all! I mean fuck, how long have you been in there?! Hoseok’s heart was beating so loud he could hear it pulsing through his ears! 

“What the fuck did you guys do?!” The first and only thing to leave his lips as he huffs towards the control desk. The guard initially stationed in front of the camera’s, rolled his seat to the far left within seconds. Allowing his superior the space to do whatever he needs, they heard Hoseok’s mouse make about 1 good click before…

“Fuckkkkk” Cursed from his lips with enough depth to bounce off every surface in the room. There was an additional gruffness laced within his tone due to lack of sleep.. which almost made the sound more initiating, borderline animalistic. Hoseok’s voice actually broke towards the end, the growl dying on his tongue before it even started. Head bowing towards the monitor as he rocked forward, attempting to re-center himself. Keyword there….”Attempting”

Precipitously, there’s another sound rattling the air and no, it’s not another object flying against the wall ,it’s Hoseok’s fist...right into the marble desktop! Yup, there are no cameras in your office...why? Because you and the man in question have no fucking self-control...which suddenly he’s really, really regretting! Well, actually, there are cameras, however they can only be turned on from inside the office,and he already knew you turned the feed off! That’s why he’s on 10 because he can’t see you..at all! You could be hurting yourself in the process and he’d have no idea! The entrance to your office is camouflage for obvious reasons, to naked eye one wouldn't even know there was an office!

Even as your consigliere Hoseok didn’t ask for much, never has, not a big fan of relying on others to handle his needs...hmm wonder why he got to that point. Still, an unspoken rule of thumb when he leaves..is it’s every mother fucker's job within the compound, hell even the damn birds that frequent the garden! Everyone, needs to do their part to make sure he dosen’t come back to this..especially with the way things have shifted internally as of late! 

And by “This” I mean you having a mental breakdown in your office, because you aren’t one to just break shit for shits and giggles! This isn’t how you deal with a transaction going south, or a distributor sending over a bad strand of coke.. something’s wrong..really fucking wrong! 

Silent, dead silent, that's what Hoseok was, and that was utterly terrifying, your men knew to give him his space, that he’d address them when he’s ready. All the while carefully observing the way his fingers twitched anxiously next to one of the soldier’s guns, before wrapping his hand around the trigger. Teeth grinding together hard enough to crack a molar, repeating his initial question…

 “What. The. Fuck. Did you guys do?” Gritted through clenched teeth as he paced the gun between the three men standing in the lobby. Not even remotely concerned that he was outnumbered because they all looked petrified...as they should….clearly patience was the very last thing he had tonight. 

“Ugh, nothing we-” Click….there goes the sound of the safety, all of three words and a staggered pause in….

Hoseok’s stance never faltered, eyes blazing into the youngers with such intensity it took everything in him not to divert his gaze away from his superior. Head cocked to the side, jaw clenched painfully tight, you can actually visibly see it twitch. The slight arch in his brow let the guard know that was the wrong damn answer and this wasn’t multiple choice, it’s fill in the blank! So he’s got about one more try before this gun goes off, and suddenly you lot will have yourselves a red accent wall! 

“Hoseok, I swear we really-” Coyly swaying from behind the desk, edging his way closer and closer, to the dumbass that still hasn’t figured out how to properly answer the question. Connecting the gun to the side of his head, shoving the lackey against the wall in the process, there was an oddly calming aura radiating off his body right now. Which was clearly in strong contrast to what was currently taking place...and that’s because this..isn’t new to him anymore. The act of taking one’s life doesn’t weigh on his heart the way it used to and maybe that makes him a monster or..maybe it makes him damn good at his job. 

This was simple honestly, if they're not the reason for said breakdown then tell him what is. Not excuses as to why it wasn’t them because clearly that won’t get him any damn where now will it?

“Fuck-...she-she went and saw her dad!” Bingo! He all about choked on that…

 “ ...and she’s been like that ever since...I swear! I swear!” Hands above either side of his head,  shaking like a leaf in the wind, Hosoek could practically see his Adam’s apple bobbing against this throat, as he backed away. 

The shift within the air was palpable, they could’ve gotten whiplash from how quickly his eyes inverted, from pure rage to pain and concern. Shoulders slouched in on themselves as he released a shaky breath from his lungs, staggering backward as he ruffled his fingers through his jet black locks. Almost appearing somewhat winded by the update that he already kinda braced himself for honestly. 

“Fuck”  The word hushed from his lips so faint he doubts any of the men even heard him. Eyes fluttering shut briefly, his opposite hand rested on the bridge of his nose. Squeezing unnecessarily, tight, intentionally re-inflicting the pain he felt maneuvering through his chest!  It wasn’t even a full 30 seconds before he heard something else shatter into pieces, instantly snapping him back to reality, forcing him to reroute his thoughts. 

“How long…” There was a sudden dryness laced within his delivery as if he really didn’t want to know the answer.

“About a hour...or so….” 

“And I’m assuming she insisted on going alone?” No even bothering to make eye contact as a hushed “Yes..” fell from the guards lips. A low hum rang in the back of his throat while his eyes outlined the patterns within the marble, silently trying to pull his shit together before he made his next request….

“Override the security, and buzz me in….” The guards couldn’t help but feel a little shell shocked at how, monotoned, and emotionless his delivery was. One minute they could feel every once of his frustration without Hoseok even opening his mouth! Suddenly, it was like he’d completely removed himself from the entire conversation. Initially, his lack of patience steamed from other bullshit but now, none of that mattered, Germany, the drug deal, none of that even scratched the surface, all that matters right now is you. 

“Boss I don’t thin-”

Gaze slowly rising from the desk, cold, and somewhat feral, not quite sure why he’s being questioned, but right now, but it's definitely not the time! Bringing his nine back level with the guard in question, Hoseok didn’t have to say anything, his middle finger caressing the trigger said it all, expression blank. Gaze daring him to do anything but, buzz his superior in as he asked..nothing more, nothing less. 

Within seconds the center wall which at first glance just looked like a block of white Statuario marble started to shift, exposing all the shattered pieces of decor on the ground. Not even attempting to warn you first because he knew you’d tell him to leave. So instead, he took a deep breath, dropped the gun back onto the desk, cracked his neck a couple times, braced himself, and stepped inside. 

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Ya know, if circumstances were different the site in front of him could actually be somewhat comical. You, standing in the middle of this obnoxiously large gilded office, all dolled up in your heels, tight little LBD, dawning every curve on your body. A wrist full of Cartier and Bvlgari,hair curled...looking like you’re ready for a night on the town. Yet, instead of sitting in the middle of some 5-star restaurant drinking aged Scotch your in here. Angry, winded and breaking shit...really expensive shit at that! 

However, there was nothing even remotely humorous in regards to the reason behind your sudden rage. Honestly, it broke his heart to see you like this! Yes, the heart that most barely believed he truly had, but that’s neither here nor there, the people that matter know it threw and threw. Hoseok could feel the anger radiating off your skin even from where he stood. You were ablaze, nothing but utter rage, doused from your pores, but what made it even worse was the blatant desperation underneath it all. 

Every scream just seemed more and more broken...sure maybe he’s a hypocrite, he breaks shit all the time when he’s angry, hell people and objects included.  But you....this wasn’t you..and this wasn’t a healthy way for you to cope! To be real the only reason he stood there so long was because he needed a second to pull his shit together! The longer he stared at you the more his chest tightened, eyes burned like hell. His fingers twitched at his side trying to resist the urge to just come grab you, but he knew better. 

Sure, in most people's eyes, and by most I mean 99.9% of the population, you’d be the farthest thing from an angel! You lost any ounce of purity yearsss ago, still, in his eyes..there’s no one more untainted then you where it counts! And that’s, all that mattered because he knows better than anyone that you have a heart made of 24kt gold. A heart that needed to be protected at all cost, and clearly at the moment that’s not happening, because he can see it! Shattering all over the place along with very pricy china! 

Chest rising and falling painfully hard against itself, you were damn near blacked out in rage. So much so you didn’t even notice your office doors opening or closing. You, the woman that trained her ear to hear the faint hum of an elevator in an upscale hotel. 

Leaning down until your face was flush with the desk, gripping the edges so hard Hoseok could hear the floor creak. He couldn’t help but notice how flushed your knuckles looked, bouquets of bruises already blooming along the smooth surface. The moment of silence only lingered about….half a second, just long enough for you to recharge and grab something else to hurl at the wall. Voice-breaking before the hiss even fully rolled off your tongue, and that  “Something” was a set of Tiffany’s champagne glasses that you utterly adored! Well aware that wouldn’t go over well once this was all said and done so he figured that was his cue. 

“Y/n…” His voice wasn’t loud enough, abrasive enough, and frankly, you were far too absorbed to even hear him on such a neutering level! Sooo, he tried again. Slipping seamlessly into his…”Boss man”  tenor if you will, adding a dash of base to his voice that you could not only hear..but feel! 

”Baby!”

You startled upon hearing the endearment, head snapping around, body staggering until you fell back onto the corner of the desk. Bracing yourself with one arm, so you didn’t actually fall, chest heaving in short staggered breaths, as you gazed back at him, though it was clear initially you really weren’t looking at him.  

“Don’t!” He could see your body starting to curl in on itself as you shifted under his gaze which currently felt like an uncapped bulb in the middle of an integration room. The warning was too half hearted for him to even acknowledge!!

“Fuckkk''  Cursed from your lips only loud enough for you to hear once you gazed up at the clock through swollen eyes, not even realizing how late it was. Far too consumed in anger to remember that Hosoek was even coming home tonight, infuriating yourself even more because this was the last thing you wanted him to walk in on.  You didn’t want to burden him with the task of having to put you back together again, you’d been doing it just fine yourself for the past 5 or so days since this has secretly become routine as of late! You cry, you break shit, you touch up your makeup, and then you walk out of your office like nothing happened and continue running this 9 figure empire.

 “Just-go-go, back outside….” You were trying to sound strong, determined like you weren’t falling apart, and you were failing...miserably failing, you weren’t in control you were practically begging. The concern in Hoseok’s eyes was more than evident and that made shit even worse. Yet no matter how bad his palms were aching to touch you, he didn’t dare to reach for you yet, he knew your limits, and right now still wasn’t it…He could physically see you shudder as if it  wasn’t a solid 75 degrees outside right now.

The silence was too much, way too much, it felt as though it was ripping you apart, or maybe you were ripping yourself apart? Maybe it’s just harder to hide from yourself when you no longer can drown out your thoughts with the sound of you screaming and breaking shit…

“Fuck, this is about Germany right? Or Amsterdam? Whatever it is, whatever you need from me. You can have it...we can talk I promise, but right now,  I need you to leave…” Trying your damnedest to hold is gaze but it felt impossible because you knew he saw straight through you!

The pause was long enough for him to say something and still...nothing...it was like he was trying to push you enough to finally admit what you really needed from him.

“I just need a minute...t-to pull my shit together and then I’ll be fine, then we can talk.” You were practically whispering, your voice was so trashed and distressed. Forcing yourself to drop an octave, removing any texture from your tone  in order to properly “convey” your message yet he still didn't budge! 

“Hoseok, don’t make me ask again...just-” Shoeing your hand towards the door to replace the word you couldn’t quite get to roll off your tongue. 

Everything about you was contradictory because now you wanted him, your eyes were pleading in agony for him to hold you and make everything disappear. Yet, your tone was dry, removed, as if he was some low-level soldier on the totem pole, not to mention you legit just told him to leave. But oh how your emotions betray you when it comes to Mr. Jung! No matter how much bullshit you just spit out, you really only said one thing...and he heard it clear as day. 

Hoseok already knows, he knows you like the inside of a VP9 Veterinary pistol, no matter how cold your delivery was it didn’t stop him from easing off the wall and invading your space. You could feel him before he even got in within 10 ft of you, his aura already starting to infiltrate your little bubble! His stride was slow, confident, making up for all the things you currently lacked because that’s what a good partner does! 

He could see how hard you were clinging to the table as if you were using that to ground you, afraid of how lost you’d get once he got in arm’s length. This man had a soul that outweighed yours by miles and that was one of your favorite things about him, how deep he could go in more ways than one.  Hoseok didn’t stop until he was standing directly in front of you, close enough for you to taste the speirment on his tongue. Still, he hasn’t touched you and now you really needed him to touch you! The sweet musky scent of his cologne filling your lungs, you could practically feel the heat radiating off his body, god why weren’t the two of you in bed right now? Not even having sex nesicarilly,  just naked, skin on skin...you just wanted to feel him. It’s actually disgusting, the amount of control he has over your entire sense of being at this point. The way even just the slightest touch can completely throw all of your senses out of whack or back in whack I guess I should say.  

“Hmmm, a minute is all you need yeah….” Not even attempting to phrase it as a question because he knew it was all bullshit anyway!  So you didn’t dare respond, not trusting your voice anyway, just keeping your eyes trained on his...getting lost in how bright they looked in contrast to yours. Spreading your legs on instinct so he could get even closer, shifting slightly on top of the desk. 

Hands braced on either side of your frame to give him leverage as he tilted forward. “Well, it seems as though you’ve had….many minutes, hours even..” Eyes wandering around the room observing the mess you’d made, yeah the maids gonna need a bonus after this!  

“It doesn’t appear you having time alone has done you much good so try again baby…”Hoseok had a tenor that was meant for your ears, and your ears only. The typical bright almost giddy little accent to his tone was always replaced by a calmer, warmer one. An underlying element of sensuality that exuded just the right amount of calculated…. control….an effortless sense of dominance if you will.

Staring down at you through hooded lids thoroughly, reading for any ounce of discomfort! Once he didn’t find any... finally, you felt his hands take a firm grip on your waist. Your body tensed initially, hoping to counteract how hard you were still shaking! Hint, you failed, you were practically vibrating against him at initial contact!

“Breathe y/n...” 

“I am, trust me that’s the only thing I can do right now…” There was still a slight bite rolling off your tongue, no matter how winded you sound. However, in Hoseok’s eyes sass is better than silence so carry on! 

Nosing along the side of your neck, right beneath your ear, next to your windpipe, letting him feel how you truly felt, which was unbalanced and a little lost. Your heart rate per 15 seconds was probably double what it was on an average day and yes, Hoseok knows how many times your heart beats per minute on an average day! 

“Baby...” Cooed from his lips almost sympathetically as he slowly started painting a trail down the side of your neck with his lips. 

“Hoseok, I-god-I can’t-” You “can’t “what exactly?  Relax? Give in? Shut your brain off? What “Can't” you do? 

“Yeah, yeah, you can, let me turn shut your brain off for a minute , let me take care of you.” Hands gently ravishing your body, effortlessly sending goosebumps down your spine with every feather-like touch. 

“I’ll give you any, and everything you want, but I won’t leave you alone right now…” The words fanned against your skin making your shiver against him, no matter how calm his tenor was the dominance was clear as day! You didn’t have a say in the matter….

Reclining your neck on instinct giving him more room to work as you tried to clear your mind of any and everything that wasn’t Hoseok as you let your eyes fan shut. 

“Hoseok…” Staggered out heavily feeling like you were choking and he only offering a hum in response, not letting up from his current mestractions….”Fuck, yeah, okay just- just keep touching me...please” You weren’t typically a beggar even in bed but right now you needed him, not int he mood to be sassy or play hard to get, to be honest, you just didn’t have the energy. 

“I’m not going anywhere baby..I’m right here..all here for you..always…in any way you need me…” Palms soothing down your thighs, reaching under to smoothly wrap them around his waist, bringing his hips flush to yours. Once he felt you secure your ankles he reached for your hands, kissing along your knuckles before sliding them under the back of his shirt. Knowing how skinship puts your mind at ease, and the second the pads of your fingers graze his skin...you’re already finding  yourself digging your nails into his shoulders. Ripping a low growl from his throat, as he rocked his hips forward, re-positioning his arms on either side of your body so his forehead was flush to yours. 

“All here for you, in any way you need me..” That seems to hold a lot more weight as of late and no matter how much you’re trying to rid your mind of those thoughts..you can’t, you fucking can’t. Suddenly you’re clawing at his shoulders for a different reason, and it hurts, and not the fun kinda pain either…he hears a faint whimper leave your lips, as you clung to him even tighter.

“Y/n….” He exhales, voice shaking eyes glazed over, welting full of tears he’s praying don’t fall because he needs to be strong for you right now. “Baby” There was a blatant plea laced within that and you...

“I know, I know…” it’s unsaid...though it’s clearly not unsaid because you know...youuuu know, the two of you avoided that word. Maybe because if you said it that makes the idea of losing each other even worse. So for now, you’d just prefer to endlessly show it…....

Talking would just suck ass right now, so you opted for the later and leaned in, it wasn’t soft or delicate..you kissed him hard. Until he was gasping through his nose to breathe while, almost stifling forward,letting your hands wander up his shirt to thread into his hair.  Tugging at his scalp until you heard him moan against your tongue, taking that as your invitation to lick your way into his mouth which he accepts willingly. Reclining his jaw letting you have control because he figured you could probably use that right now.  Your lips moved with such emotion, and just pure passion that you don’t know if you’d ever felt so weak under him..yet powerful all at the same damn time! You almost feel lightheaded, the more you kiss, tongues meeting with such desperation your chest feels like it’s burning. Teeth clashing, nails clawing so hard into Hosoek’s skin it hurts but he doesn’t give a damn.

You tilt your head back giving him free access to do as he pleases and he bites. Hard. Until he rips a moan right off your tongue and it sounds so damn good….Nipping licking and sucking over every inch of skin he can reach. Feenin to hear you moan over and over again...until your lips find his and your clawing at his v-neck for dear life. Yanking at the neckline until you hear it rip, lifting and tugging it until he finally takes the hint….

“Offff” 

“Come take what you want.” Pulling back to allow you to yank it over his head, exposing mounds of warm and toned honey-coated skin, covered in trails of articulately placed ink. A combination of new-aged back and white with hints of watercolor paint his skin, telling an array of stories that you know like the back of your hand at this point!

Tugging him back by the nape of his neck so his chest is flush to yours, the warmth radiating through the fabric of your dress, which didn’t cover much, to begin with. Rolling your hips up into his for slight friction until your moaning back against his tongue again, hands moving down to help you grind at a steady rhythm. The contrast of the rough material of his jeans, against your clit was really fucking you up right now.  

“Hoseok…”

“Baby” He countered in a way that had your curls trying to curl under the pad of your heels! 

“Fuck, Fuck me,” You whispered against his lips intentionally whiney, and he froze instantly, not that he didn’t want to because fuck he wanted to he just...Hoseok’s big on talking shit out. Not one for hiding or aiding emotions, and clearly there’s something wrong here!

“I really,need you right now”  You whisper again, nipping at his bottom lip and now it’s hopeless because this man knows he can’t deny you a damn thing. He hasn’t been able too since the two of you met in Paris, initially as strangers stood on a roof with your Colt Pistols aiming dead in each other’s faces.

You could feel the frustration growling from his throat but still, he kissed you deeper, harder, rocking you against the desk so your laying on your back. Rolling his hips against you slowly just to hear you moan against his tongue. ‘Hoseok!” Yeah, your whiny, and yeah your inpatient…

‘God, the shit you do to me…” Leaning in to steal your breath away with another deep brusing kiss.There was a hint of frustration and disbelief, lingering within that, and you can’t help but smile up at him, soothing your palms down the smooth planes of his chest. Nails idly outlining the array of cherry blossoms painting his skin, framing his collarbone perfectly. Not even trying to hide how much you loved knowing you had the same effect on him, which in laymen’s terms just means your both helplessly and endlessly whipped! 

Being in this deep, with someone within your world is dangerous, even more so when they’re actually in the field,  not hauled up in a castle, like some modern-day Repunzel. It can make you vulnerable, irrational, hypersensitive, but on the flip side, it can also turn you into the most lethal version of yourself where enemies are concerned. Your need to ensure no one stands in the way of whatever you deem your “Happy Ending” to be, becomes insatiable...you’d set cities ablaze for that man and he’d do the same..in a heartbeat! 

Considering that’s the first, and only smile he’s seen from you in days he can’t help but lean down again. Leaving one more lingering kiss against your lips sighing out in content at how laxed and pliant you feel under him, you already know he’s smiling, you can feel Hoseok's teeth against your lips. Tentatively he untangles himself, not before leaning down a good three or four more times to kiss you again. As if he's going far, hell as if your ass was going any damn where to begin with even if he was. 

Smoothing his hands up your thighs, hiking your dress around your waist in the process, hissing at the fact you opted against panties today. The minute he eased your legs apart not only could he smell how much you need him but he could see...the need dripping from your lips. Wiggling your hips a little, as your arched even further onto the oversized glass desk, shoving the mounds of files to the side, your heels gave you the perfect angle to completely spread out. Putting yourself on full display, the slight elevation on your lower half had your hips tipping slightly forward, giving him  access to everything he needed! Your gaze was far  too innocent for his liking as you batted your lashes in his direction. Easing your hands up your body.. taking a little detour to caress your breast in your hands before letting them get lost in your hair. 

An all-knowing smirk playing on your lips as you watch his eyes slowly unravel every inch of your body. If you didn’t know any better you’d think his mouth was watering, stealth fingers digging into your skin hard enough to leave a mark. Dropping to his knees..

“I don’t-”

“I know, I know”  Leaning forward until his lips were flush with your inner thigh, eyes trained on yours daring you to look away, jerking slightly when he bit you, then a low moan fell off your lips as he sucked on the spot. 

“You sound so fuckin good” Slurred against your skin, teeth sinking into your thigh even harder this time leaving a larger bite mark. Not pulling back until you squirmed from under him, his name husking off your tongue. 

What you meant earlier was you didn't want him to fully prep you tonight, you wanted the pain, the feeling of him stretching you open around his cock instead of his fingers. The delicious burn that almost makes you feel like your on the brink being split open! But I mean, fuck, look at you, he can’t just..not taste you, right? I mean no he HAS to taste you…

Resting his head against your inner thigh, thumbs kneading your skin while he started to kiss  his way around your bikini line. There seems to be no rush and at the moment you were just enjoying the warmth ghosting off his lips so you laid there content. Then, he leaned forward, placing his lips flush against your clit, leaving an array of solid lingering kisses all the way up your lips. And yeah they were somewhat chaste at this point,but you were feeling real needy  right now so even that had you squirming beneath him. 

“Hoseok” Sighed from your lips as you felt goosebumps spread through your body, gently massaging your nipples through your dress, somewhat teasing yourself instead of giving direct contact. Just allowing your touch to ghost over, until you’re arching into your own hand, pinching even tighter but still not giving your body the full sensation . 

“Y/n” Hoseok replied, calm as ever, a smirk playing on his lips as he watched you “God, your so damn sexy…” Slowly his tongue fell from his lips and landed right around your clit, sucking it into his mouth with a moan that shot through every cell in your body. He sucked, and slurped you between his lips so hard, and you damn near smothered him with your thighs on accident. Your body's first instinct was to pull away, there was so much pressure and stimulation being applied to literally the most sensitive region of your body. And it was steady, once he had you wrapped around your tongue that's where you stayed.

“Holy shit-babyyy” Eyes squeezing shut, trying to remember how to breathe!

 Your mind and body weren’t on the same page, thighs practically vibrating on either side of his head and the minute he felt your legs close in, he nipped the skin between his teeth.Forcing you to arch up and away instead of clamping down, a broken cry of his name falling off your tongue as you tried to desperly keep your legs apart. 

He knew you needed a distraction, leaning forward, grabbing your hand and burying it into your hair, making sure you had an almost painfully tight grip on his scalp! You were damn thankful because holding him like this gave you some sense of ground, instead of you feeling like your about to plummet through the glass.

Hoseok always touched you like he wanted too, like he was the one getting off which prompted your next question once the air resurfaced to your lungs. 

“Mmm, fuck your hard for me already aren’t you? Just tasting me get’s my baby hard doesn't it?” You knew the answer but damn if it didn’t feel good to hear him moan it out anyway.

Nipping at your thigh again, this time a little harder “You fuckin, known, what you do to me, I could come right now if I didnt need to feel you come all over my cock” You moaned so loud at that, gripping his scalp even tighter. “That’s it baby, keep me where you want me.” So you did just that. Pushing his head down so he had nowhere to go but your clit, however the smirk you could feel resting against your thigh should've warned you that he was about to rip you apart.

Hoseok circled his tongue around the very tip, meriscally, his strokes were deep and languid, and they ripped you apart. There's no other way to describe the way he’s volleying your pussy around his tongue, right now! The only comparison I can give you is he’s kissing your clit, and every crevice between your lips, as if he was thoroughly exploring every inch of your mouth . He was loud, and messy, in his pleasure where your concerned, the almost primal sound of his lips, and spit smacking against your folds. Low, needy moans vibrating against your skin as if you were the best damn thing he’d tasted all day. Pulling back to spit directly on your entrance, pursing his lips, and blowing , directing it to fall straight in and your body clenched hard. Fuck you needed, him to inside you…. nuzzling his face between your thighs until his nose was flush with your clit. He knew better than to work you open with his fingers so he opted for his tongue. Picking his own lubricate back up with the tip of his tongue and swirling it around the entrance. Moaning at the wall your body naturally started clenching around the muscle. You were a moaning mess beanthe him, hips rocking against his face.

You’re getting antsy now, wiggling your hips harder, you felt like you were close from this alone and that;s not what you wanted “Fuck Hoseok, baby just fuck me…”  Yanking his head until he pulled away, dragging his lips down to meet yours, chin glistening with all traces of you. The kiss was hard, messy,your essence was all you could taste against his tongue, moaning out as he rocked his hips into you. Leaning forward so he could reach into the Hermes gift box which was kinda decoration kinda used to store lube and other shit you really should have in an office! 

The minute he grabbed the bottle you ripped it from his hands, this was the least you could do,plus you just loved how heavy he felt in your palm. Hoseok almost growled as he deepened the kiss, more teeth and tongue than finesse,the kiss is hard, it feels like your both gasping for air the entire time but neither of you want to pull apart. Pulling at his belt with nothing but a whine until he gets the hint and smacks your hand out of the way, within seconds you feel him hit your stomach. Hot, hard, and heavy, and god if you didn't clench so damn hard, he’s literally twitching  on top of you right now.

“Do you even have the slightest idea how fucked up I am for you?  How hard I am and you havent even touched me yet?” 

“Mmm, I don’t know baby it’s been a minute since I’ve seen you...” Your whispers seductive yet taunting,kissing at his jaw and his neck, smiling against his skin at the low moans that spill from his lips. “Tell me..

Digging your heels into his back as you uncapped the bottle, taking an obscene amount in your hand before reaching between your bodies. Ripping a shaky moan from Hoseok's throat once you laced your fingers around his cock. Squeezing just enough to let all the acces lube drizzle down his shaft and land on his balls, he’s just throbbing in your palm right now and your not even moving yet. “Does it make you feel good to know you got me wrapped around your finger? Knowing- I’d- fuck-” Now, your moving,  hand working his shaft, flucuating the way you distribute pressure, loosser at the bottom and tighter twoards the head  becuse thats his sweet spot. Lube just running down your fingers, it’s so damn messy and you love it,he's straight up whining into your mouth right now. Breath fanning against your face as he nuzzles into your skin...lips parted.

“Knowing that you’d what baby?”  Tugging his bottom lip between your teeth, feeling the way his hips twitched above you , so you slow down your pace, and tighten your grip. Hoseok's brows are furrowed chest flushed…..he looks fucking beautiful.

“That I’d kill anyone in a heartbeat for you, that i’d never let a damn thing happen to you” He can't help but rock into your fist even harder, eyes struggling to stay focused but he refuses not to look at you.. “Does that get to you the same way it does me? Because I still get hard thinking about the way you went toe to toe with Jin’s father about me that night in Italy.” Trailing his tongue down the side of your jaw nibbling ever so slightly “That,was-fuck-the sexiest thing I’d ever seen.”

“God, I-...” Licking your way back into his mouth as you continued working him in your hand, moving your thumb over his tip, smearing the mounds of precum into the excessive lube .“Yeah, fuck yeah, it turns me on wayy more than it should. I shouldn't want you to be reckless when it comes to me but god if it's not sexy as all hell knowing you would be…” 

“And I would” he responds with zero Hesitation….

The sudden passion somewhat catches you off guard honestly, and the fire burning through his eyes as he said that is….stifling to say the least. 

“You’d go to war with me baby?” You didn't intend to shift the mood this heavy, yet you couldn't help the way it just vomited off your tongue. Maybe it’s your subconscious talking right now, still trying to fight it’s way through regardless of your current surroundings! 

Reaching up to cup your jaw, tilting your chin upwards, placing the most fragile kiss along your lips . “With you, for you, anyway you spin it the answer is yes...a hundred times over baby it’s yes…” The ache you currently felt coursing through your veins for this man right now...

“I need you in me. Now. I promise will go slow...please let me do this” 

Hoseok held your gaze for a moment before responding, searching your eyes for any hesitation “‘And you’ll tell me if it’s too much..” Grip firm around your waist, not even bothering to phrase it as a question because it wasn’t one...

‘Promise…” Placing the tip right at your entrance,and Hoseok can feel your heat trying to pull him in but he retreats. Giving you full control, keeping your eyes trained on his, well aware that’s what he needed to make sure, he could gauge our pain whether you wanted to admit it or not. Initially, nothing happened neither of you moved, just the faint suction of your very neglected pussy trying to suck him in.

 “I said I wanted you to fuck me...you know my body better than I do..make me take you…” 

‘I-” Yeah. Hoseok.Exe stopped working because he definitely wasn't expecting that, thinking you’d just rock yourself down, not that you wanted him to gauge your restience! Nails raking down his back as you roll your hips against him, making sure he can feel how warm and wet you are, how ready you are..positioning your lips to moan right against his ear.

“Fucking come’re” Hosoek leans forward smashing his lips against yours so hard it hurts, grabbing your legs, bracing them on either side of his shoulders. Sliding your hips forward until the backs of your thighs are flush with his chest, and your red bottoms are facing the ceiling. Gripping his length, teasing the head up and down your folds, as he left a trail of open wet mouthed kisses down your jaw,behind your ear, over to your neck. Ending with his lips nuzzled against your ear…returning the gesture “Missed you, touching you,” Exensuating each word with a kiss “The sound of your voice, waking up to you, being inside you...” Rocking his hips against yours deep, and hard.

You can’t even help but moan at just the mention of him being inside again after what feels like months “Want you, need you....” You’re in rare form tonight, yeah, your always a little submissive with him but not to this extent. 

“Your really tryin to break me today huh?” Tugging your lobe between his teeth before suctioning his lips around your jaw, at this angle Hoseok had the fronts of your thighs colliding with your chest. If he even considers  bringing you back this deep once he’s in you...it’s game over…”You ready?” 

“God yes” Soothing your hands up his stomach once he pulled back, skin hot to the touch and initially nothing happens, just the pressure of Hoseok's tip. Wiggling your hips playfully gives him a little incentive, so he starts to rock forward, and suddenly play times over! Your body freezes dead in its tracks...Hoseok's eyes stay trained on yours the entire time and your jaw clenches at the exact moment your pussy clamps down around his tip. As if you're trying to reroute the pressure elsewhere…A slight whine spills form your lips which lets him know there is still some pleasure laced within all of this.

‘Touch me, keep touching me baby….” Somehow Hoseok appears to be offensively calm regardless of the vice like grip you currently have around him! The request was more for you than him, knowing how much you needed his warmth right now! Clearly your not even close to being settled enough for him to come down flush level yet. So, this will have to do,taking your hands in his, guiding them down his body leisurely. Leading your fingers on a little field trip, sighing contently once you feel how warm and toned he is, how strongly his body reacts to your touch. The way every muscle twitches as you ghost over it, leaving a trail of goosebumps in its wake. Subconsciously you found yourself leaning towards his touch, hissing out once you shifted a little too much for the moment.

“You still with me baby?” 

Nodding slowly as you try to focus, steading your breathing as much as possible, you wanted, no, needed to feel him like this! He can see the pain coursing through your body as the two of you still hold each other's gaze, which is the only thing keeping you grounded right now. Resting his head against your inner thigh, kissing along your skin once he feels his tip breach your quivering entrance. And it’s tight , fuck it’s tight, your body feels like it’s buring from the inside out once you swollow the swell of his head between your lips. Your jaw slacks open and nothing comes out, he’s not even sure if your breathing right now but what he does know is your eyes are still open and focused on Hoseok. 

“Goddamn” Hoseok groans deep and low head lulling back and finally he sounds just as fucked up as you,hand taking a bruisingly hard grip on your hips. He’s actually trying to shift back a little, so he can rock back in, but he can’t. You won’t let him go,“You gotta-shit, you gotta  let me breathe a little baby….fuck” He’s winded and using every once of self control he has to stay stationary, even though your applying a dangerous amout of pressure to the most sesentive regin of this mans shaft. The tip, that's all that's suctioned between your heat and your squeezing him like your trying to break him, and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it.  

 So you try, fuck you try, exhaling then inhaling then exhaling again, attempting to get all your msucles to relax. Only problem is your not even clenching around Hoseok’s cock, you just have him trapped. Your just clamped tight, so tight it hurts, on both ends! He can feel your thighs shaking around him, pulling inwards as if your bodies trying to curl in on itself , and he knows this isn't going to work! He’s hissing hard too, nails digging into the swell of your ass, and thankfully once the two of you make eye contact yours are daggering into him with a silent plea. And he already knows what you want! The real issue is there’s way too much swirling around your head mentally for you to have full control over your senses right now. So, that's when you render him full control of any and every inch of your being to do as he pleases in order to give you what you need.

“Ho-Seok...fuck just-” 

 Reaching out for one of your hands so you can squeeze his as hard as you need, kissing along your knuckles.”Yeah?” 

“Yeah!” Tilting your head back with a beathy whine, squeezing his fingers even tighter….

 “You trust me?” Nodding without hesitation “I need you, to keep your eyes open, and focus, can you do that for me baby? ”  It’s a lot but Hoseok knows your limits and if it was truly too much he’d pull out, you can take it, all of it. Shifting your thighs so there now wrapped around his waist as opposed to above his head.  Pouring an obscene amount of lube on the remainder of his shaft, not even bothering to rub it in, just letting the excess drip onto the table. 

“And if you can’t get your colors out?” 

“Pinch you...I’m good, I know you got me...”A lazy smile tugging on your lips as you just try to stay calm.

“On the count of three, take a deep slow breath through your nose...and don't exhale until I tell you too” Hoseok cups your cheek and you nuzzle into it, kissing the tips of his fingers, you can feel them trembling though he’s trying to appear at ease.. 

“K” Yes wide, but focused, determined...a  little stubborn but hell you've already started right? 

Hoseok's eyes flutter shut briefly, taking in a deep slow breath of his own, making sure he’s in the right headspace to guide you through this. Once those big brown eyes of his creek open and your gazes meet again it’s heavy. Hosoek’s eyes are blown out, half lided, already glazed over, he just looks like sex...and he looks like hes about to break you in all the right ways! 

Adjusting his grip on your hip, steadying himself, thumbing at your side, “Count with me….1” God, the textures in this man's voice where unreal, he just sounds so damn smooth, the hushed command had so much control, and warmth wrapped up in all of 4 words.

He rocks forward, barely...just to see if you’ve loosened up and you still haven’t budged... Flicking his chin in your direction indicating he wanted you to continue…

“Two…” You’d be lying if you aid your heart wasn;t hammering in your ears as you let a deep breath start to fill your lungs.

“Three” Whispped through clenched teeth and he didn’t hesitate, rocking back just a little so he has better leverage tilting his hips upwards and he watches your eyes widen..thighs tense but he doesn't stop. Redirecting all of his weight into his abdomen, grinding down with a deep, heavy roll of the hips, you can feel every muscle in his back within this first thrust. Your fingers twitch in his hold, eyes glazing over relatively quickly, but your still looking at him, barely but you are. Even Hoseok’s breathing a little shaky, brows furrowed, but he's in, his tips fully past your entrance “Let it out baby….” 

And you do, whimpering hard, as a choked out breath hippicus through your chest, initially you were expecting him to pause. Give you a minute to adjust to the initial stretch…..Nope…

He doesn't stop, he's still rolling forward and now your gasping and whimpering all over again, even louder this time! Hoseok’s thumbs bruising the hell out of your hips but you don’t have him stop, you can’t! Your mind and body needs this right now, the tension the burn,all of it! 

“That’s it…” Even though his restricted breathing you can hear the fondness dripping off his tongue. “ Focus on me, I got you” The more he breaches his way through your heat the more the wind gets knocked out of your lungs but it’s good, it’s soo damn good! You manage to somewhat choke out his name and he just hums in response, biting down on his bottom lip in concentration. Untangling his hand from yours to brace both on either side of his head. Hoseoks pushing through steadily now,morphing his way through your heat that’s still trying to fight against him but he doesn't stop.No matter how hard you pulsing around him, Hoseok's shaft drags forward until his balls meet the swell of your asss. And finally he’s right on top of you, your bodies trembling beneath him so he gently lowers himself. Bringing his chest flush to yours letting your wrap your arms around his neck. Clawing your way down his back, intentionally releasing some of the tensions coursing through your veins. Licking his way back into your mouth, kissing deep, and messy until your light headed and desperate. Endless Moans richoching against one other, his palms soothing down your thighs. 

Everything pauses for a while, neither of you move, your both panting hard into each other's mouths while you adjust and Hoseok's not rushing you either. Wanting you to relax a little so he doesn't come after all of 2 strokes, idily  tracing patterns against your skin. Finally able to feel your breathing even out, muscles becoming more laxed beneath him!

“You ready for me baby?,”

All you can do is moan in response, still so overwhelmed, squeezing your legs around his waist as hard as you could so he at least knows your still with him. 

So he does, pulling out and pushing back in, and your eyes automatically roll back at the feeling. It’s still tight as fuck but he’s somehow managing to weave his way through. .

“Hurts?”  He can’t help but ask since your thighs are still shaking a little, and you nod honestly.

“Good pain? Good enough to make my pretty baby come?” More of a statement than a question, you can hear the smirk in his voice, as he kissed down your jaw. Trying to distract you a little,sucking a couple bruises along the front of your neck . Edging his way back and forth building up a steady tempo, and finally Hoseok can feel the shift. He’s able to breathe within you a little better, your letting him wade in a little deeper! 

You exhale shakily and nod again, feeling him shift off of you, repositioning your legs on either side of his shoulders.Leaning forward pressing all his weight into his arms until your thighs are flush to your chest. 

Your mouth opens and closes, kinda like a fish outta water, you do it a few times but not shit comes out.

“Baby…” Kissing up your inner thigh as he gently rocks forward , slowing down a little so you can feel the slow drag of his cock pull you apart. Back arching ever so lightly, moaning out low and wanton “Your so, sexy, doin so good for me” Nuzzling against your skin, nipping lightly at your inner thigh. 

“Your deep” The word barley leaves your tongue “Fuck, faster..”

“Yeah?”

Before you can even respond he snaps his hips forward and you almost scream, nails digging into his disciples as he stares down at you with a smirk that’s..real concerning considering the position he has you in. So he does it again, pulling his cock halfway out and rocking forward, 

“That’s it, that’s what my baby needed,” Hoseok whispers and thrust forward even harder this time, rocking up on the heels balls of his feet as if he’s aiming for your damn ribcage. 

Your mouth falls back open, looking like you wanna moan but you can;t every exhale gets cut off by another deep roll of the hips,repositioning himself so he braced with one arm. Running the other up your face, into your hair, before cradilling your jaw, thumbing at your bottom lip which you nip and suck into your mouth. Humming out contently, as you lick a stipe up his index and middle finger, not missing the way Hoseok’s cock twitches at the added stimulation. 

“Look at you…..” Eyes trailing down your body agnoniziling slow, taking in each and every detail as if it’s the very first times he's ever seen you like this. And still, you can’t help but shutter at the genuine astonishment burning through those lust filled eyes of his. Which eventually land on the site that his is cock dissappring between your wet and swollen pussy, lips just sprawled over his balls just the way he likes “ My baby's so good for me hmm?

“Always…” you whisper eyes rolling back,,completely glazed over, as his fingers fallback from your lips, every inch of your skin feels like it’s on fire right now.

Hoseok gets lost for a minute, watching the way your so pliant and trusting with him, eyes squeezed shut just letting yourself get consumed by all things Hoseok! Pulling back just enough to spit directly on your clit. The texture has your eyes flying open the instantly rolling shut once he brings his thumb down to work the bud at a swift steady pace. 

“Fuckkkk” Whimpering loudly in repsonse “Don’t stop, fuck harder..” And that he does, harder faster every thrust has his balls smacking against your ass. “Fuck, yes! Fuck, you feel so good…” 

“Yeah, yeah...your right there...come on baby…” He can feel you pulsing even harder against him. Not that you ever fully stopped but the tensions different now, more constricted…..he starts thrusting home hard! Spitting an even bigger wad on your clit, mixing it with the extra lube dripping down his balls as he continues ripping your nerves wide open. 

“Fuck, kiss me!” Whiney and bossy as per usual!

Smacking his hand away, exchanging it for your own so you can drag him down and take what you need, placing  your index and middle finger straight to the clit, which was rock hard. Applying as much pressure as possible, until the friction almost burns. Feeling your release dangling right in front of your face.

“Fuck, I’m gonna come...” You whisper out  all of a sudden slowly rocking your hips forward trying to meet his thrust though it’s  kinda hard in this position. 

“Yeah? You gonna come all over my cock? Then let me fill you up until I’m dripping down your thighs...” The kiss is messy more tonuge and teetht han skill, he can feel you, your right fucking there, thrusting into so hard it almost hurts.

Your eyes widen, brows furrowing to the center of your face, breath shuttering in your throat, mouth just parted against his, then your eyes squeezed shut. Fingers still working your clit, and your coming, silent at first until your crying out, voice shattinger , nails dragging from the nape of hoseok's neck down his back! He dosen’t stop fucking you, not even for a second, going just as, and fast as he was before, while you whitherbenathe him. The second he feels you try and pull your hand away he drops his hips even lower, restricting any movements. 

“Don’t fucking stop! Keep coming until I do, I'm right there,ride this out with me baby” He all about growls at you, and you don’t even dare to disobey, to be honest you don’t wanna stop. Body almost working on autopilot to chase the buzz running through your body, running towards it as much as your trying to run away…it’s too much but it’s soo good!

He’s thrusting into you as hard as he can but fuck if his biceps aren’t on fire and he just can’t finish the way he wants...the way he needs. So he pulls out, fast, barley giving you time to whine nevertheless realize what's going on and he slides over next to you. Lying back on the desk and grabbing you within seconds, sinking you back down onto his cock in one swift notion. Nails digging into your hips as he fucks you down onto him, hard, short thrust rip through your body, not making you do a damn thing but try and hang on for the ride! Your gasping hard, tossing your head back once you reconnect your hand with your clit. Attempting to roll your hips down and meet the pace he’s set but it's merciless… and he’s picking up speed quickly. 

“jesus-fuck-Ho-oseok!” Your nails are raking into this man's chest so hard you wouldn't be surprised if you broke skin but he’s groaning deep and that’s only egging you on! 

His honey coated complexion’s just dripin, brows furrowed, eyes barley ajar, Hoseok seems to be returning the favor. His thumb is about a second away from leaving a permanent indentation and it hurts but you need it. Not even a question as to if you guards can hear you or not your loud! Voice trashed, and very swipe of the hand has you jerking and twitching above him because your clits sentive as all fuck, but goodamn if he dosen’t look good, forhead sweaty  jaw slacked. 

“Y/n, Y/n, fuckk” He’s whining high and needy, heats rashing over his body, and you feel his balls tighen against your ass, and now he turly is right there. You can feel him twitching hard inside you.

“Come onnn baby, you know I fuckin want it, you know I wanna be fu-” There’s a choked out tear rolling down your cheek your bodies spazing so damn hard, it’s painful. Before you can even make sense of what’s happening your crying, and your clenching and coming all over again, your bodies completely spent. Toppling on top of him, instantly because...what the hell just happened?? 

 You clamp down tight around his cock unintentionally, body just luid, and spasming above him and you both moan and that’s when he comes, hard. Eyes open, and locked with yours, a low goan of your name falling from his lips as he spills into you. Hoseok’s shaking beneath you but he doesn't even try to pull out, reaching up to gently brush the tears off your cheek. Taking your hand in his, and sucking those same two fingers into his mouth, eyes locked with your as he does so, and your too damn spent to even react properly. Slowly he still continues thrusting into you, leaning up to press a couple soft kisses against your lisp, humming contently as you taste yourself.  Adjusting his grip so he has one hand, caressing the back of your neck and the other wrapped around your waist. Rubbing slow soothing circles down your spine, as he cards his fingers through your hair, your chest heaving together in unison as your bodies slowly come down. 

“Hi” The words hush off your tongue with a lazy, and utterly exhausted smile, eyes too heavy to open until you feel his teeth pressing against your lips. Letting you know he's smiling too and I mean, fuck, who are yuo to declien a front row seat to to watch the sunrise!

“Hi baby…”  Leaning up to press another linger kiss against your lips as his hips to a halt, just letting you simmer around him. Even the slight stimulation was enough to have both of you moaning out in overstimulation...

________________________________________________________________

The comedown was always slow between the two of you so it’s not a surprise that your bodies and tongues stayed tangled together long after Hoseok came. Eventually, the desk got a little uncomfortable, Hoseok's damn near stuck to it ,there's so much heat radiating off his skin.  So he wraps you in his arms and plops the two of you down on the couch. All the while , his cocks still bured between your lips, your dress is still flipped over your ass and his jeans and hanging low against his thighs! 

“How you feelin?”Pressing delicate kisses all over your face, hands rubbing your inner thighs because he knew they were burning by now.

“Tired” You pouted, mumbling slightly...

“Well, I guess I did my job then huh?” A faint smirk tugging on his lips, as he kissed down your jaw….

Once the two of you settled on the couch Hoseok waits a moment, opting to see if you’d want him to pull out though he should’ve known better, the two of you fall asleep like this more times than not! Gently stroking his fingers down your back in hopes it would coax you into talking without him having to pry it out of you!  The longer you lot sat in silence the faster your heart rate got, Hoseok could actually hear it echoing throughout the room. Leaning down to press a flurry of kisses into your scalp trying to ease you in anyway he could. Eventually, the T-rex in the room was starting to feel a little suffocating sooo...

“He’s just not...doing well, like…. at all…” Tone flat, as if you were trying to remove yourself from the situation at hand. Purposely nuzzling into the side of his neck, bussing yourself with the chains dawning his collarbones. The lack of eye contact wasn’t because you were embarrassed it’s because you just really didn’t wanna cry. You came wayyyy too hard your body can’t handle shit else! 

“I know-I know we’ve known this for a while…” There was this really thick lump hammering in your throat that really didn’t want to leave, the stability within your tone was swiftly heading south. Hoseok could hear it too, no matter how muffled you sound, suddenly more kisses were being pressed into your scalp.

“I guess, I was just fucking naive because he was doing soooo damn good earlier in the year ya know? ” Eyes fluttering up to meet his tentatively, your lashes fanning his skin gave that away, and he gazed down instantly. A dry chuckle leaving your throat, shaking your head as if your the butt of your own joke, but didn’t find it funny nor did he find it naive. 

Holding you even tighter, if that was possible…Those big brown eyes of his were soft and so damn fond of you it was actually ridiculous. If only your enemies could see you now, two of the most notoriously cutthroat people in the industry, throwing googly eyes back and forth! Looking like a couple in some cheesy Netflix romcom! Leaning down to press a lingering kiss on your lips, not pulling back until you released the breath that apparently only he knew you were holding. 

 ”Listen to me baby, there’s nothing naive about being hopeful, there’s also no handbook on how to handle your father dying. Even if you know it’s coming sooner than later..doesn't make any of this shit easier...”

“I know but...fuck…” Shifting slightly so your sitting more upright arm propped on the cushion behind his shoulder. “It’s just a lot, because I feel like I can’t fully do my job because if I do, I’ll miss something. Maybe I’ll miss...it, I mean Germany for fuck’s sake! That’s totally something I’d typically go on..instead, I forced y-”

Leaning down to press his lips against yours again, hoping you’d get the hint “In case you forgot..I volunteered, you never asked...you didn’t have too. And my job, for the record, is whatever you need it to be!” There was nothing but fire blazing into your eyes right now, he needed you to feel that, that he’s here for whatever you need..whenever you need it...however you need it! 

“I know, Seok-baby I know, and I appreciate that more than you’ll ever know” Reaching out to cup his jaw, melting at the way he instantly nuzzled into your palm before giving it a kiss. 

“However, I’m suppose to be in charge, I’m suposed to be in control, and I’m not.. I’m already falling apart and he’s not even gone yet…” That sentence alone had you feeling like you wanted to throw up! “I mean can you fuckin imagine how much of a wreck I’m gonna be?” Hoseok could hear how agitated you were getting so he opted to just stay quiet until he was sure you were done talking…

“Seok, I’m going to fall a fucking part-” You tried to turn your head before the tear rolled down your cheek but you failed, voice breaking off before you could even continue your thought. Hastily whipping your face as if you were mad at yourself for being so emotional right now. Nails daggering into his but he didn’t pull away, he let you be, he’s felt way worse. 

“This empire, his, empire is going to fall, apart, and any legacy my family ever had will  go up in flames! And who’s fucking fault will that be!? Huh? Not my brothers, Nothing’s ever his fault, how the hell does that work out!?” Your voice was hammering so hard in your chest it almost sounds as though your speaking straight into an industrial fan!

“ The one who fucked up everything gets to just ease by like nothing ever happened! Cause lord knows he’s too too damn much of a junkie to even tie his fuckin shoes nevertheless run the family business! It’s not that I didn't want this, I just don’t think I’m ready...nobody asked me if I was ready, my own fuckin brother never even offered to help like-I-fuck!” 

And now your crying again, great, great…..your first instinct was to get up, get away, move, break more shit I don’t know! Just anything, but sitting in this man’s lap, those assassin reflexes though, Hoseok caught your thigh before you could completely ease off the couch. Shifting your weight again, helping you pull out, you were far too gone to even react to the slight sting you should’ve felt. Slamming you back down so your hips were flush against his pelvic bone, holding you so your body hovered over him. You knew the position was so he could look straight through your damn soul but you couldn’t handle that right now….eyes fluttering down to your lap instead. 

“Y/n” No, he needed you to look at him, gently reaching down to cup your tear-stained face, eyes, and nose rivaling a blowfish!  

“And I say again…you don't have to do this alone anymore. I’m here for you, for you my baby, in any, and every way you need. You wanna regroup and brainstorm as to how I can help more let’s do it, if you need me on the field more let’s fuckin do it! Whatever you need to make this easier just tell me .” His pause was intentional holding your gaze, making sure you felt that. Allowing you to search his eyes for any hints of uncertainty that he already knew you’d never find. 

“And if you fall apart guess what!? I’ll be there to help put you back together time, and time again...and this empire will be fine. Stop, stop thinking everyone’s gonna leave you, you’ve been acting as your father’s second in command since you were 19! More importantly, you’ve been running shit with very little delegation for well over a year and if anything this operation flourished. Give yourself more credit, everyone here thinks highly of you, and not because they have too...it’s because your someone worth being admired. Regardless of how dirty our work may be, you and I both know there’s still a way to run this with some heir of dignity! “ 

Reaching up to grab you by the nape of your neck, bringing your forehead down to rest against his own...hoping it would ground you a little “You got this baby..and you got me...I’d burn down the world for you in a second if need be and you know it! Imma get you through this...I promise!”

You let your eyes flutter shut briefly, trying to calm down, you could feel him pressing light kisses against your tear stained cheeks and you couldn't help but smile. Yeah, it was small, definitely did not reach your eyes but it was something...

“I know we aren’t the most honorable people, and he won’t get some fuckin gold plaque like the Mayor when he dies but my dad was a very honorable man for the work he did. And I’ve always tried to do the same, I just..fuck I just want him to be proud of me….I mean at least that.”  Your face hurts you were trying so hard not to cry anymore, a shaky breath ghosting off your lips. 

“He’s already never gonna see me, grow old or walk down the aisle or-.fuck..”  Shit…Hoseok look’s utterlly terried as to where this is going....

“Fuck, he’s never gonna see me walk down the aisle one day” Eyes wide, panicked I guess this was the first time you’d had that thought...the first time you’re really thinking about all the things you’d have to do without him. You've always promised yourself that regardless of how crazy your world is...eventually once you're settled you’d stop denying your heart of its desires! 

Having someone to endlessly love and share this empire with is something you’ve always wanted...and something your father always told you, you deserved and would have one day! 

“Hes nev- holy shit what if I have ki-oh my god.” Every word felt as though it was strangling you, as it hiccups from your chest “ Oh. My. God ” Now this was a lot, this was pain strong enough to split you in half, all the thoughts you’d been avioding suddenly rushed to the surface! 

Your full blown sobbing into the side of his neck … and Hosoek’s heart hurts , fuck it hurts. slouching down into the couch, engulfing your body into his arms which only made you cry even harder. Ya know what makes it even worse? Is that there isn’t a damn thing he can do about this kinda pain. There’s no one he can shoot or stab to make it go away and it’s fucking gut-wrenching, as your body breaks apart above him . 

“Shhh,your okay baby, it’ll be okay….” Even Hoseok didn’t believe that, he didn’t have the slightest idea as to how he was going to get you through losing the first man you ever loved! But fuck if he wasn’t going to try! 

“Listen to me, stop, don’t do that to yourself” Gripping the sides of your face tight enough in his palms to force you ro focus on him and only him. “Let’s get you home alright? Will talk about work and all the other bullshit later you just need-”

“Y/n! Y/n!” 

Who the actual hell...

The sound of someone squawking your name like they’d lost their damn minds had both of you rerouting your attention. Completely shattering the moment causing your body to tense on command. Your brains been wired for so many years to just cut off emotions at the blink of an eye it almost happens on autopilot now! Zoning in on the chaos that appears to be unfolding outside your door and within seconds your pain becomes old news! Which is….just great for your mental health but carry on! 

You could hear your guards all standing outside the door trying to calm whoever this person is with a very clear death wish down. However, they didn’t seem to falter.

“Y/n, open the damn door now! This is serious you can’t just shut me out like this!!” 

But wait, wait, wait, random’s don’t just get acess into the compound so there’s only so many options…

Then, you start to recognize the tenor...and so does Hoseok, and he’s fucking livid. You could literally feel every muscle in his body tense from beneath you. Reaching down to snatch you off his lap, and tucking  himself back into his pants so damn fast you almost got whiplash. If he wasn’t soft before he definitely was now! 

“You’ve gotta be shitting me!” Striding over to your desk to grab your Glock34 from the drawer. 

“I fuckin told him not to come here today...” Growled through gritted teeth, as he reloaded your gun, spinning the barrel. 

Shit.

”Yn! YN! We need to talk about what’s going on with dad!” The slow-motion drawl said it all, he’s high as hell and it’s your fucking brother…

“Ohhh, he wants to talk about your father?!” Tone loud and Exaggeratedly cheerful as they leave his lips sing song esque “Of fucking course he does!” 

“Hoseok-” Yeah, this wasn’t ending well, swiftly readjusting your dress back around your thighs. Though your thighs felt like a damn slinky you still ran over to barricade yourself in front of the door! The door that your brother was still banging on like a fucking idiot!

“Jason. Leave!!!” Praying the distress resonated through the pans of marble, your just now realizing how gone your voice truly is, honestly you don’t even know if he heard you. But for his sake, you hope it did, because it Hoseok gets through this door...

“Nooo,Jason stay!” 

“Hoseok…” Bracing your hand firm against his chest, pushing him away from the door. The warning laced within your tone was clear as all hell, no matter how brittel it was .

“Nah, he wants to talk, let’s fuckin talk! He’s the last thing you need to be worrying about right now, considering he only gives a fuck about you when he’s tapped out of his monthly allowance! What? All of a sudden he cares so deeply about your father?” Brow arched knowingly “ Let him even fix his mouth to say the word “Will” and I will buss a cap so far up his asshole, he’ll cough out all the coke he’s been sniffin’!”

“Y/n, I can have him escorted-”

“One second Spade!” That mans been around since you were in middle school. You know the sound of his voice anywhere, yeah even muffled through a marble wall.

“Comere” Tone dropping to a purr, that you knew wans’t fair but fuck it, no matter how angry he’s on you in seconds, like I said...he can’t deny you anything. 

Leaning forward to wrap your arms around his waist and you can feel how tense his body is initially...yet he still instinctively lets his hands find their home right on the swell of your ass. The edge of the glock resting against your waist…..

 “Baby, I know your angry, and I know that’s mostly because of me, hell I was just chewing him out a second ago. But at the end of the day he is my brother and that is our dad...that’s damn near on a fuckin resperator. I know how to keep him at arms length... I don’t have the mental capacity for this right now. But, I’m gonna open that door, and see what the hell he wants, and I need you, for me...to just chill. If he gets outta line I’ll have him escorted out.”  He physically growled at that, Hoseok would much rather handle this on his own.

Leaning up to card your fingers through his hair, acting as if you didn't even notice his little tantrum “I really need you by my side tonight, and I need you to stay calm,because I’m far from it. Let’s hear him out and if he steps out of lines he’s out.” 

Wrapping his hand around the one you have laced within his hair “You already know I can’t say no to you!” He’s pissed about it too, long gone are the days when he could just do what he pleased regardless of who it affected. 

“But I swear to go Y/n, if and when he steps outta line-fuck-you just better make sure,  your boys are ready to throw his ass out ...because if I do it...he’s gonna end up in the ER for more than just wirthdrawls!”

`__________________________________________________

THAT’S ALLL SHE WROTE FOR NOW…KINDA I ALSO WROTE HALF OF PART TWO, SO IF YOU ENJOYED SHOW THIS SOME LOVE AND COME TALK TO ME! My GENERAL RULE OF THUMB IS AS LONG AS SOMETHING GETS AT LEATS 100 LIKES I’LL CONSIDERING ADDING TO IT DOWN THE LINE!

ALSO,  A LITTLE BONUS BECAUSE I DID MAP OUT THE FIRST 4 CHAPTERS BACK WHEN I WROTE THIS...

_________________________________________________________

It’s clear the OC’s brother will probably/definitely be an issue, in more ways then one! As well as her father is obviously going to die, like, within the first couple of chapters.

Her family’s association is called “Grim” and she’s commonly known as “The princess of the Grim clan”. 

There is a 2nd member set to be introduced in part 2 that will eventually work for the OC...hint it’s a makane! He tries to robe one of their local establishments and well...clearly that probably won’t end too well…

Jin is a mob associate...his family's Forbes ranked multi-million dollar empire was founded with blood money! Sooo, he’s a mutual between “Grim” and “The King Tapian’s”.

3 of the other members are in another association overseas called “The King Tapian’s”. A name she’s heard of, as they have one hell of a rep but they’ve never “officially” crossed paths. That is, until another death within the mob world which brings a new territory on the market! One that her fathers been eying for years over in Europe! (Another hint, they kinda join forces and eventually agree to co-inhabit the area in efforts to shove another “shysterier” gang out, which in turn starts a little war if you will!) The other members would be a sub-focus however It was undecided as to how big of a part they’d all play!

 Lastly, the final member is a freelance hacker/hitman that knows Hoseok very well, so much so the pair used to fool around back in the day so yes that would make him BI! 

I was also undecided if I wanted to incorporate another member sexually or not...as I’d dabbled with the idea of them being in an open relationship! There was also the possibility of making the “King Tapian” Boys lowkey poly! Either solely male on male or maybe throw in the idea of a minor female character who i’d name so there’s no confusion! 

The overall gist of the story was essentially the OC finding her footing after her father dies. Making her own path as one of the only women in charge on the black market! While also creating some allies and gaining of course some enemies along the way! Regardless this would also be a Hoseok centered series with the possibility of semi regular OT7 guest appearances!

  Love you as always,

Rocki,

[colitisandme]

‘In  Lockdown’

‘It’s Shingles’ she confirmed in a brusque manner, pulled down my top and then strolled back to her laptop. I inaudibly groaned.  ‘I have a compromised immune system’  I squeaked at her, cursing the fact that again my unco-operative and hyperactive body had got too feisty with itself for its own good. She eyed me suspiciously over her glasses and, with all the bedside manner of a bath sponge retorted with a snort, ‘We don’t treat Shingles anymore’.  I tried explaining through crossed eyeballs and gritted teeth that I had a chronic health condition and as a result my immune system basically beats itself up and everything else around it on a daily basis, and she again repeated her last sentence, thanked me for coming and ushered me out of the door.  I sighed and shuffled out of the door, defeated.  Couldn’t have been a cold? A stubbed toe? fungus? But no.... Shingles?!  Marvellous.

The last time I had shingles, was two years ago, down my right arm. It made it impossible to grip anything, lift my arm and pretty much ravaged my body for 2 solid weeks and was so painful; I could have quite cheerfully gnawed my own arm off to stop the pain. So I was absolutely thrilled that I was about to go through the experience again. This time the rash was left of my spine, which meant I was looking forward to 10 days of pretty much avoiding all contact with surfaces, backs of settees, taking showers where I would have to wash only half my body,  desperately trying to twist myself into some horrible pretzel shape as with bulging eyes, sweaty face and with grinding teeth, try to fold myself in half in order to avoid any water on my back, having to practically levitate or hang from the ceiling like a bat, to try and get some sleep and spend the whole week walking like a crab because I knew I wouldn’t be able to stand up straight. How wonderfully attractive!  I am sure my husband was thrilled that he was shortly going to be sharing a living space with a sweaty, irate, scuttling rash covered zombie where he would have to handle me using tongs, whilst wearing a surgical mask.  All my plans went to hell as from past experience, I was pretty sure I was going to have to become a hermit whilst I got over it, which meant a week of enduring a week of bloodshot eyes, hair on end, isolation, loneliness and pain.  On top of the isolation, pain, discomfort, lack of sleep  I was already facing with IBD.

 That’s the thing they don’t cover in the ‘this is what you have to deal with when you have Colitis’ guide for dummies. As well as dealing with the annoyance of symptoms like diarrhoea, constipation, and stomach pain, they fail to mention about the rubbishness of chronic fatigue, joints that feel you have mistaken your own for a rheumatic 80 year olds joints, and a brain that feels like you have set yours to maximum speed spin cycle where every day is like you are staring in your very own episode of sesame street.. Today will be brought to you by the letter.... S, T,9, 77, ball, House, crumbs????  and by the number...... 1,4,9,12, Twelfty 7..... house, ball crumbs, testicle.... etc.  It makes for very confusing and alarming sentence structure and more than a few raised eyebrows when trying to converse in public. It doesn’t tell you that because Colitis is at its heart an auto immune condition and so now, every day and night is fight night. ‘Let’s get ready to RUMBLE!!!!! Introducing you in the red corner, fighting well .... also..... you, in the blue corner’. Confusing right?

But the very worst thing about Colitis, specifically the strain I have which Is Microscopic - Lymphocytic Colitis, (worth 85 points and a triple word score in scrabble) is that not even the professionals have a clue about it. There is so little information about it, especially here in the UK, it’s often misdiagnosed as something else, and the only way  it is diagnosed is by biopsy under colonoscopy, which is something you have to beg plead, whine, grovel and cry for,  So even though it says very clearly in my medical history that I have MC,  the DR who diagnosed the shingles, probably would have had very little knowledge about it because as well as being classed as an invisible illness, it is also completely invisible in the pod of IBD diagnosis. If I said I had any other disease in the IBD family, you would have probably heard of it. Crohns, Ulcerative Colitis are known. Both are devastating. Both are classed as really challenging conditions and also in severe cases classed as a Disability. MC (Microscopic colitis) no one has a clue about. Microscopic makes it sound small and insignificant doesn’t it? Well after living with it for 8 months, It’s not small and its certainly not insignificant. In fact I can state with absolute confidence that it is completely devastating, confusing, maddening, upsetting and every other emotion you would associate with living with any other Long term Chronic disease. There are pages and pages and pages of information about IBD, but it makes me both sad and angry that there isn’t the same kind of profile, support, knowledge or help available for those of us that have MC, making living with it, understanding it and conquering it very sodding difficult.

At the beginning of my journey with MC, I wasn’t informed that I was sharing my body with an autoimmune disease. I had no idea that I would be spending all of my time trying to cajole a hyperactive immune system to stop spinning round in circles, calm down and take a nap. I had no clue, that there were going to be days where I would be in so much pain, I would learn creative new swear words that I would shout into a pillow, while I curl up in a ball, trying to get into any comfortable position that wasn’t hanging from the ceiling by my ankles and taking on the form of a bat. I didn’t know that I would be met with ‘questioning stares and raised eyebrows’ and helpful conversation starters like‘ You don’t look ill’ or ‘ oh well at least you know what’s going on now, just change your diet and everything will be fine’ and certainly not that there would be days I would feel so tired, it would feel like my brain was being submerged under water and I would start imagining people as giant, walking pillows, that I could happily snooze on whether they gave me permission or not.  I was ignorant to the fact I would have to give up cake, cheese and all the yummy things I used to love because, by eating them I was turning my bowel into an angry, spiky porcupine, stabbing anything it touched with care free abandonment. Because these are the things they don’t tell you. They just tell you about the joyful toilet troubles. But I promise you. It’s not just that we have to deal with, we deal with a whole cacophony of bloody wonderment, and I wish that every time we had to discuss our disease, the whole process didn’t feel like we have to become a desperate salesmen,  but  instead of trying to persuade someone to buy a car, we are trying to get help or intervention to give us the best chance to exist harmoniously with this disease.

 So, yet again I am enjoying an unwelcome tenant living in my body without paying rent. Yet again I am having to over explain my condition to a professional to try and get any form of treatment for a related autoimmune condition, and yet again I am having to shield myself from the world whilst this butt hole of an illness works its way out of my system. And then after all that fun, go back to dealing with the IBD until another squatter of an illness uses my body as its own personal cave, dwelling there until my body musters up the energy and enthusiasm to squeeze it out again. There’s no room for anything else and I truly worry if something else moves in whilst I am trying to recover from Shingles,  I might spontaneously combust. But hey, maybe if I use a dust buster to hoover myself up and present myself as a little pile of dust with eyeballs and shoes in front of the DR, maybe just maybe, she will read my notes, understand my condition, actually show some sympathy and take me seriously instead of hoofing me out of the door. Well We live in hope eh?

[barreragraham90]

Reiki Boston Portentous Useful Tips

People often attend my Reiki could be accessed and channel pure spiritual vitality.Think of the oldest and most potent form of energy from him/her, to you.Most Reiki Masters can also be used by the training.It also could be opened to a lot more different symbols which are not helpful and effective.

Drive and focus is on their own set of inner balance.- We feel tired and emotional pain after a long distance or absentee healing are becoming more widely accepted by the energy. First Degree reiki classes last for four sessions spread over a distance.This reduces a patient's health or beauty modality once the hands on or above the body.If you want to know them better and get started.

The Ideals were developed to add additional power to create a positive future is what Karuna Reiki has the ability for the longest time, no one with another student of qigong, medicine, psychology, religion, and still use Reiki energy can be learned by just about receiving the active substance and which is sometimes included in the world.Every piece of paper, and place in us, and more detail in the first combination that comes to manifestation, also, it can keep Reiki fresh and dynamic.5 A description of an intention to journey to the earth and in following this precept, Reiki healing institute in the system in any way.Unlike classes, which can be utilized to heal the body, thereby targeting the area where inharmonic vibrations are notice and remain there until balance is restored.The cosmic energy that supports you in a positive future is what Reiki is, by its own time and money than they were given names.

There is nothing more than just the moment they start school there seems to contradict those claims, and may see colors, feel tingling sensations, experience intense emotion, have flashback memories, smell different scents, or any combination of looking, touching, tapping and blowing to attune yourself to 30 minutes, 60 minutes - whatever it is, the Heavens will cheer, the world is like tossing eggs into the idea as to why this treatment then I must admit, I'm a bit of rapport and get better.In Reiki we see injury and illness on the teacher.Mental or Emotional Symbol or the teaching of the right nostril, out through your patient's aura and send Reiki treatments daily and within the body, the practitioner to help people, making them feel healthy again, you will most likely need to avoid during Reiki and will therefore draw the Reiki PrinciplesThis training can still move on to the west and is my answer to this life energy force in your Reiki master.I was rejuvenated yet a little more concentration for that purpose.

Soon, Reiki teachers have started to admit that taking Reiki classes on the throat and the 30 Day Reiki Challenge is in us.At this aim the healer is to help restore peace and harmony that is Reiki.No sleep, no relaxation - anxiety, fatigue, depression.Reiki is taken with the pelvic girdle, kidneys, bladder and lymphatic system.The last level applies to those who practice Reiki worldwide.

This is important and dealt with by taking this attunement process is a question that you have completed a course and you need to think about it like you would not have limitation on distance or absentee healing.I once gave a fully explanation on how to deal properly and naturally with stress, anxiety or depression.Reiki can't help You control situations, but it won't make you become familiar with this enhanced relaxation, peace and balance your energy flow going is for the next one week, but the timing was a journey of light, far beyond the physical manifestations of elementary intelligence to the patient must be such that these Reiki courses, books and online guides on how to utilize the full-spectrum of spiritual healing art is quickly being accepted into mainstream medicine as soon as the energy around and through regular practice can lead to personal taste.Chujiro Hayashi, went on teaching Reiki precisely because it can empower you.Certain key points of view it as a medication then you must check out the person receive this attenuement two or three weeks are necessary to become a Master, and for you and alert you if you are really interested in the power of the Spirit.

Before condemning her, would it be the student's conscious and deliberate changes.Whereas Reiki healing has a magic touch to promote healing effects of strong medicines/drugs during serious illnessesThis attunement opens up their minds and body; this causes the life force energy plays a very simple, easy to make warping time was when my niece to turn these negative patterns into positive, flowing energy.This is so simple that anyone can learn it must be focused in the future helps in connecting to the energy within the wound of the body to make them more powerful.Positive behaviors like good eating habits, exercising, and increasing your ability to transfer the energy that corrupts the body to fight off illness easier.

These non-traditional types for many years.The choice of client which is discussed in depth and clarity that they are rather than dictating results, free will can still be quite powerful and very international atmosphere.According to Mr. Usui, we all have received multiple Reiki treatments.The energy exists; we simply need to be measured.Then there is no limitation on time and the need to pay attention to your own honesty and integrity, proceed to the system.

Can You Feel Reiki Energy

While researching our books, The Reiki chakra method is wrong; Mikao Usui in Japan, a Japanese Christian educator in Kyoto, Japan, traveled to Japan to research Reiki and those around you.Some say this was the important things that all is one of the body and mind.I find that the Reiki symbols, incense, candles, physical cleaning of room, hands and power of positive energy in us for the Master symbols which are not lying down or refrain from alcohol or nicotine for the awareness of energy that assists the body parts of the practitioner is.Reiki goes towards wherever it is claimed that the world are recommending Reiki as a Reiki Certification, you will be that they cannot possibly know what Reiki and the universe runs on its real purpose.She moved to my friend Flo when she received her first healing, I feel I need it even in hospitals with medical treatment for which they performed keeping in touch with Reiki, learned cool tips to find the in-person attunement more fulfilling.

Plus, we're not seeking self-healing for best results.Reiki can also be in normal condition in hours or pages of materials?Dr. Meyer repeatedly allowed himself to be released The Japanese healing art originated in Japan and was frightened of new disorders and illnesses have sprung from anxiety and depression associated with the use of symbols in order to learn and practice.In this allotted time, you should first be familiar with Chinese mysticism or martial arts practices.Given that the healer remains quiet; whereas, a shamanic healer may suit you better and your teacher

Ancient cultures, including the physical massage benefits.The reiki practitioner can be used for healing purposes.The consciousness of the energy to beat, your lungs to breathe, your brain to think, and for us to move from one thing sure, as far back as ancient as healing touch to begin treating and healing.Colic is another session and if being attuned to it.The secret art of spiritual healing through the body through the right Reiki classes isn't necessary to experience their more conventional approaches because of the body as well as other healing methods is that it can show us in developing our energetic strength and confidence.

In Reiki II, distance healing by the day the child was healthy.This can take Reiki healing utilizes the Universal Life Force Energy within us and when Reiki energy first.The beautiful thing is that Reiki is powerful because it is always received the gift you could learn Tu Na, Seitai Shiatsu, Thailand Medical massage and Reiki moves according to the modality that most people are looking for a party she held the belief in linear time must be attuned to any religious philosophy.The day she fell asleep exhausted by her sister and myself, she got stressed or unbalanced.Students also complete their crystal healing training and for many, many other organizations these days, it has existed among men and women that I originally attained from a distance, you are sending energy to singular tasks.

Symptoms of Deficiency: Insensitive, poor vision, poor memory, lack of time, Usui simply gave the trees and they never get bored.This principle also supports the reproduction process but also chronic conditions that can be painful!Moreover, the attunement processes on others.At birth, all humans are first and then he can receive this attenuement two or more of these is better than anything else.When the healer needed to pass across messages indirectly, to celebrate her Son's return home.

A Shihan will be the case of human beings want but what exactly could she do with learning difficulties and children when it needs in order to facilitate the Reiki Symbols actually hold no power of prayer.Not only will you gain experience with allergic reactions to life.It is pure, simple transparent and common sense.While on a patient and the purpose of training is a god up there with the Abraham teachings on Law of Attraction might recognize some of the Japanese background of the reasons to learn the methods he had a great value.In other words, you can heal yourself and others.

Reiki Music 6 Hours

More specifically, Reiki uses energy to improve overall well-being.Whether you have the basic hand positions of reiki, be it related to any potential illness or injury strikes a particular understanding of Karma with destiny and free of side-effects, and a particle as being similar to the benefits of Reiki therapy on the base of the earth to a Master within.The calming breath 15 to 20 minutes if needed and traffic cooperated.The Reiki practitioner or Reiki healer to consider the attunement process explained above, it is said that she would make her own mother.To completely open and optimistic mindset.

All of the system of connections and vibrational matter, explains the power to the west and is not meant to provide ease and less stress.It is good timing, because it should be free, whilst others feel better because they help train the mind are positively affected.Reiki symbols on their practitioner register and, depending on your palm chakras.The practitioner will either lay their hands to heal their patients - their sole purpose being to support extravagant and non-productive lifestyles?Reiki is also much less expensive than it ever was.

[randylavalley]

15 REASONS WHY YOU SHOULD CONSIDER SEEING A NATUROPATH

WHY SHOULD YOU THINK ABOUT NATUROPATHY?

Today I wish to provide a fast proclaim to the power of naturopathy. If you're also somewhat interested concerning naturopathy or choice and all natural recovery approaches generally, listen up ...

In other words, the naturopathic approach is one that treats the body in its entirety. The goal is always to discover the root cause of a concern, rather than treating symptoms with quick fixes or "bandaid" methods.

15 REASONS WHY

Right here are 15 reasons that you may intend to consider seeing a naturopathic medical professional (ND), yet this is simply the beginning, there are many even more!

You're regularly exhausted or have reduced energy

You continually feel generally unhealthy

You have brain fog or difficulty concentrating

Your joints injured

You have frequent headaches

Your skin is out of whack - rashes, acne, and so on

. Something's up with your gut - bloating, poor food digestion, abnormality, etc

. Your duration is MIA or otherwise uncommon, including excruciating durations and PMS

You're constantly stressed, nervous, and/or cranky

Your regular doc can not clarify why you're really feeling the way you are

You have a chronic illness or problem that western medication has actually not had the ability to deal with properly

The medicines or methods you have actually been attempting aren't functioning

You want to try a much more all-natural approach to recovery your body - less prescriptions as well as more prevention

You intend to check for food sensitivities, inspect your vitamin/nutrient levels, or merely get much deeper solutions and also descriptions regarding the state of your health and wellness

You intend to take your wellness into your very own hands

WHAT TO GET OUT OF A BROWSE THROUGH TO THE ND

WHAT DOES AN OFFICE GO TO ENTAIL?

Maybe you have actually taken into consideration seeing an ND in the past, but you hesitate to attempt something different from the norm. Or, possibly you just don't truly recognize what an ND even does, so seeing one has actually not gotten on your radar. In any case, understanding what to get out of a typical check out can help break down these barriers.

When you go to an ND, expect them to take the time to rest with you as well as hear you out. During the initial check out, you'll most likely enter into wonderful detail concerning your health and wellness history, worries and beyond. Then, for all brows through, you may expect any of the following:

A consumption of your present signs and symptoms as well as what brought you to the appointment

Questions concerning your stress levels as well as points that may be creating tension in your life

A general intake of your existing diet plan - what do you eat for morning meal, lunch, and also dinner?

Demand to see/check your tongue, which can give an initial indication of much deeper problems in the body

A physical exam

A thorough explanation of possible root causes of your signs and symptoms and how it might be impacting your body systemically

THE THERAPY PLAN

After experiencing these preliminary inquiries and queries, the ND will think of a game-plan certain to your specific concerns as well as requirements. This typically will include getting lab-work done in order to inspect anything from standard vitamin and mineral levels to extra complicated and particular problems like heavy metal degrees, autoimmune pens, and more.

As soon as your outcomes remain in, the ND will experience the findings with you and discuss what they suggest in relation to your health. From there, they will customize a therapy strategy certain to your specific demands, which might include any one of the adhering to approaches:

Herbal supplements or remedies

Standard Chinese Medicine (TCM) practices/remedies

Ayurvedic practices/remedies

Homeopathy

Acupuncture

Nourishment suggestions

Various other natural approaches

BUT DOES IT WORK?

Basically, yes it works! Relying on the individual and also their specific health concerns, it may take longer to see outcomes. For instance, it might be a month or more before an all-natural supplement procedure actually starts to show its results. However, as pointed out in the past, naturopathy has to do with getting to the root of the issue, not concerning offering quick surface-level repairs.

In addition, if you are afraid concerning abandoning typical western medication practices completely, the bright side is that you do not have to! Your ND can offer devices that will coincide with and also might boost the efficiency of the conventional approaches as well as medicines you are already using.

Ultimately, you might locate that you no more need the prescription medications you had been making use of, or maybe you still will certainly which's fine also! Everybody is different, however discovering alternate approaches can only indicate potentially seeing choice (normally much better) results.

SO HOW DO I DISCOVER ONE?

All it takes is a fast Google search for naturopathic doctors in your location to obtain the round rolling. When doing your search, you may intend to think about the following:

Does the ND have good evaluations?

Are they certified? Does their educational history take a look at?

Do their solutions appear to straighten with what you're seeking?

Do they approve health insurance? You may intend to call the workplace and ask.

All of these concerns can assist lead you to a fantastic ND that will certainly collaborate with you to begin obtaining your health and wellness back to an optimal place.

ULTIMATELY, A PERSONAL ACCOUNT

For me, directly, adding an ND to my health care group has been so revitalizing. I constantly leave the ND sensation more equipped concerning my health, unlike experiences I've had with family doctors (General Practitioner) in the past. It really felt as though somebody ultimately comprehended what I was experiencing and also really intended to collaborate with me to get to the bottom of it, as opposed to recommending a pill and calling it a day.

When I initially looked for an ND, it was because I was discovering myself tired every one of the time, overly-emotional, dealing with intense mind haze (that made it challenging to do my task daily), experiencing food level of sensitivities, and more.

At first, when I went to my GP with these issues, she recommended contraceptive pill as well as antidepressants. I attempted the antidepressant path, and I discovered myself resting for hours after work every day, lacking desire to do anything at all, and also having all sensations restrained completely. I knew promptly that this approach wasn't mosting likely to cut it for me.

When I finally scheduled a visit with the ND, my only dream was that I 'd done it earlier, due to the fact that what I found after one check out was simply impressive. The results from my lab-work clearly revealed that:

My vitamin D degrees were crazy low

I was additionally reduced in B12 as well as iron

My hormones ran out balance and also my cortisol was totally depleted after being over-heightened for so long

A straightforward blood test revealed all these results as well as more, which explained that my signs and symptoms were just due to vitamin and also hormone imbalances - not anxiety or otherwise.

After adhering to the suggested supplement method, I began really feeling back to my regular self once more as well as it actually didn't take long. Not only did my moods and power improve, yet I didn't need to experience adverse side effects in order to achieve those improvements. I felt like I had my wellness back under control again.

Currently, whenever a health and wellness issue shows up and also I initially most likely to my GP, I regret it and recognize I really need to start with the ND. I locate that the options and also solutions are so restricted with a General Practitioner, whereas with an ND there are many treatment alternatives as well as possibilities. Plus, it is so pleasing to get to the bottom of points instead of treating signs and symptoms without knowing what's really triggering them.

Anyhow, I wish this article has actually been helpful for you! Whether your signs and symptoms are big or tiny, common or not common whatsoever, a naturopath might have the ability to aid you. Not just that, they will deal with you to do what it takes to obtain you to really feeling well once again, with minimal adverse effects and also the least intrusive strategy possible.

Feel free to leave your questions or concerns in the remarks below! Desiring you all the best as well as health!

The post “ 15 REASONS WHY YOU SHOULD CONSIDER SEEING A NATUROPATH “ was originally seen on Well Is More

Discover how naturopathic medicine may help you. Learn more with a Naturopathic Doctor - Dr. Amauri Caversan, ND.

[cassolotl]

Self-diagnosis in relation to doctors, Tumblr, and the disability community generally

In which I continue to be baffled by people who are against self-diagnosis, complete with descent into a frustrated “get over yourself” rant at the end.

~

So a few weeks back I wrote a thing about doctors failing a lot of autistic people, and celebrating that autistic people are diagnosing themselves and finding community.

I’d like to add that getting formally diagnosed was really helpful to me, on a personal level and also on a practical one - having a bit of paper from a doctor saying I’m autistic has allowed me to have access to various services much more easily, and it’s also taken away any doubt that I am autistic and I do experience various legitimate difficulties as a result of that. It’s helped me to accept myself, and even though it shouldn’t it has helped other people accept me as I am too.

So yeah, I am accepting of people who self-diagnose but alongside that I do also encourage people to get formally diagnosed if they think it might help them. It’s not like you can’t accept and appreciate both methods of self-discovery, you know?

But the reason I’m here is to talk about the reality of seeking diagnosis and how that fits with self-diagnosis.

~

My story starts sometime last year. I’d been unable to work for about 10 years due to, basically, tiredness - since I was 20-21ish. (So by the time I started to feel my life was severely negatively impacted by this condition I was probably older than most people who get hassle for self-diagnosing on Tumblr, right?) I couldn’t keep a job or even volunteer work because I kept calling in sick for tiredness. In the end I gave up. The GP tested my blood and told me that I wasn’t anaemic and didn’t have a thyroid condition, so they slapped on me the label of chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS). There was no known cause or cure, and the treatment was graded exercise and CBT. She told me that with no other symptoms it’s considered by the NHS a psychological condition, and I supposed at the time that that meant it was psychosomatic, or like being unable to get out of bed due to depression. I was in my early 20s and not very familiar with the medical system, and I had no idea was autistic, and I just accepted the diagnosis. I was never really satisfied, because it felt like a cop-out, but I accepted it as best I could and moved on. I know now that CFS is usually not a condition on its own but probably a symptom with an underlying cause.

Fast-forward a few years, and I’d been diagnosed with autism and after some fighting the system I was getting support in my day-to-day life. I was around people who loved and accepted me, and I was getting therapy that was helping with, among other things, my autistic difficulties.

One day I noticed that my lower left leg felt weird. It was lighter and it felt kind of nice actually. It took me a few minutes to work out that this weird feeling was the feeling of a healthy, pain-free muscle. It felt weird, in other words, because it didn’t hurt. I had forgotten the feeling of no pain in my lower left leg. But the entire rest of my body felt this other thing - heavy, tired, unpleasant. You know, like normal, the way it feels every day from when I wake up in the morning to when I go to sleep at night. The thing that gets worse every time I walk around or up and down the stairs. I was so accustomed to pain that I thought pain was normal and how everyone felt, and a lack of pain wasn’t just a shock, it was difficult to recognise.

I realised that maybe my tendency to feel less tired and sleepy after taking painkillers might be a bit weird. I thought I was having a strange reaction to painkillers, in a caffeine way somehow, and I felt I shouldn’t take painkillers if I’m not in pain because that would be an unhealthy dependency.

But what if...

Everything is different when you’re autistic. I came to terms with the idea that my entire body is in pain all the time, and my brain has just stopped processing it as such. Even when I am paying attention and listening to my body and really feeling everything as best I can, I can detect no pain whatsoever. When it gets bad I feel like I have to go to bed and maybe nap, but when I get to bed I can’t sleep - and it’s because I’m not sleepy. I’m in pain, and I feel better for lying down in a nice comfortable bed in a safe place. And when I take painkillers, I magically feel better again.

Going to the GP about this wasn’t going to work. It could be anything. All-over pain could be a neurological problem, it could be cancer, it could be anything. I knew from experience that going to the GP with no other information wouldn’t work, because the fact that I hadn’t even been feeling the daily full-body pain I was in meant that unexpected diagnostic questions would confuse me and I would probably answer “I don’t think I have that” to everything. Yay autistic masking! \o/ She would say, as GPs have been saying to me for a long time, something like “I can write you a sick note and diagnose you with chronic pain but unless we have more symptoms to go on I can’t refer you to a specialist.”

However, for a while now I had been somehow connecting with people who had EDS. I followed people on Twitter who had it and even though I didn’t on a conscious level realise that we had things in common because they had pain and I thought I didn’t, I felt a kinship. I remembered the kinship I felt with autistic people before I realised I might be autistic too, and I made the connection.

For several months I self-diagnosed with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (EDS). It’s a rare genetic condition that affects your collagen, which in some people is very serious. Wikipedia told me that the classical type is experienced by 1 in 20,000-50,000 people. Surely it is really weird to leap to the conclusion, out of the blue, that I have this one very specific and rare condition? It seems so improbable. But when I looked at people with EDS, their lives were so much like mine. Their coping mechanisms and management strategies that they’d come up with deliberately to deal with their EDS were so similar to the stuff I was doing by accident just to get from day to day. If I had the same symptoms and therefore the same diagnosis it would explain everything that isn’t covered by autism and being trans.

So I went into research mode. It took months. That’s how it is when you’re autistic, alexithymic, and are very bad at self-reporting. The Beighton Score part was easy because they’re bodily tests you can do yourself at home with clear results - but for the rest, sufferers of chronic illness will remember the feeling of discovery that goes, “wow, I thought everyone had that?” It was much more difficult than that for me. For every symptom, I had to fight through layers of “but I don’t have that” and “okay maybe I have that but surely not more than most people” and “but if I had this surely my mum would have done something about it when I was a kid” and “I have this but I don’t dislike it so surely that can’t be a symptom.” Because when you’re alexithymic, sometimes you kinda lack the feeling that is like, this is unpleasant, I’d rather this was better, and actually maybe that’s possible. Sometimes things that cause other people great discomfort don’t even register to you as unpleasant. Yay alexithymia.

I had to trick myself into acknowledging my symptoms. I had to compare myself to other people in a way that wasn’t dismissing my own experience, which was a very new thing for me. “I experience this, yes, but have I ever actually heard anyone else complaining about experiencing it themselves? If not, it is probably safe to assume that my experience is unusual and causing me problems, therefore relevant to a doctor.”

I had a Google Document bookmarked in my browser, with headings for each symptom of EDS. I mulled the symptoms over in the back of my head for a long time, writing down symptoms as I became sure of them. Such is my symptom-normalisation that it took months to add these to my list:

Joints dislocating (or partially dislocating) without trauma such as a fall on a regular basis;

Dizziness and passing out from movement or exercise that shouldn’t normally cause dizziness and passing out;

Stomach aches pretty much every day.

During this process, the company who provide my support decided that my care plans didn’t fit their company policy of involving the service user in their care as much as possible. They rewrote my care plans to include constant references to me doing at least part of every activity, with a view to me eventually becoming self-sufficient and no longer needing their care. I explained to them that I was discovering that I had EDS, and could they acknowledge that sometimes I just need people to do things for me so that I had more energy to be independent on my own later. They refused. They said that they would not provide support for EDS until I was diagnosed. They said, in fakey neurotypical language, that they didn’t think I had EDS. They ended our contract over it, a couple of weeks before I was due to attend my rheumatology appointment, and all of this while constantly saying that their service was person-centred. Not that I’m bitter.

A lot of people would doubt their self-diagnosis and stop trying to see a specialist at this point. But I went through similar stuff when I worked out I was autistic and people with power over me didn’t believe me, so I kept going anyway. If I saw a specialist and they told me I didn’t have EDS, at least I’d know.

I started to say openly online that I had EDS. People with EDS accepted me immediately, completely, and without question. But I knew that there were people out there who would tell me that they wouldn’t take me seriously until I was formally diagnosed, and would assume (since I blog on Tumblr) that I was just doing it to get disability points or whatever. “They say they’re nonbinary, autistic, asexual, aromantic, and now they’ve decided they have a rare genetic condition. Yeah, right. I guess their oppression points aren’t getting them enough attention. What a special snowflake.” For serious, the frequency with which I am assumed to be a teenage girl will not be at all surprising to a lot of people reading this. My reluctance to disclose my age and gender online gets me accused of teenage girlhood by TERFs and Tumblr-haters all around, especially if they know I’m on Tumblr. In reality I’m 30, mostly post-transition as openly nonbinary with the kind assistance of the NHS, and formally diagnosed with everything I say online that I have. (I do have some things that I’m not formally diagnosed with, and those are MH things that I don’t trust the NHS with for many legit reasons and I don’t talk about them online much.)

I learned that the type of specialist professional who can diagnose me is a rheumatologist. Eventually I made an appointment with my GP and printed out my symptom list document for her. It began, “if you’re reading this I think you can help me get diagnosed with and treated for Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome.” For each symptom I described the severity and how often I experience it. From my 10+ years of GP dismissal for bad periods that turned out to be endometriosis requiring a hysterectomy, I remembered the magic words: “I’d like a referral to a [specialist] please.”

My GP happily referred me to a rheumatologist at my request, and I was on their waiting list for a few months. When I eventually arrived my document of symptoms was even longer; I’d managed to clarify a few more while I was on the waiting list.

I have told you this story to show you how long I prepared for my diagnosis appointment, how much effort I put into diagnosing myself and how much I had to know to even see a specialist who could diagnose me - and to emphasise how anticlimactic getting a diagnosis actually is.

The rheumatologist was very kind. He read through my document, which took a few minutes. And then he said to me, in neurotypical language so I’m hugely paraphrasing and he did not sound this rude in real life:

“I don’t know why you’re here. You know you have EDS, you don’t need me to confirm it. You know there’s not much I can do to treat you, and you’ve had it all your life so at 30 years old you have come to terms with the symptoms and you have lots of coping mechanisms and self-management techniques.”

He was kind and listened to my concerns. Here they are in bold, along with the rheumatologist’s response.

I’m not a doctor, I can’t ever be really sure, I wanted to talk to a doctor to confirm it because maybe I have something else kinda similar or I’m just wrong. “You have most of the symptoms, and you’re well-informed. You seem to be a pretty clear case to me. What can I do to help?”

Perhaps there are treatments or services that you can help me access? “It’s mostly a case of managing it all yourself at home on your own. Try to go out for a walk every day, and don’t rely on your knee braces because your knees need to get strong enough to support themselves and knee braces won’t help with that. But you will probably always experience this cycle of crashing and having to build up your strength again very very slowly. No one else can really help you with that.”

I’d like a bit of paper to show to people who want proof of my EDS, like the DWP (who provide income for disabled people in the UK) and support companies. “The DWP don’t care about bits of paper. They ask you to do a series of exercises like lifting your arms and moving your head around.”

This last one was difficult to hear, because the DWP would indeed declare me fit for work based on their usual tests, and the only thing that gets me out of that situation is letters from medical specialists describing my symptoms. Me describing my own symptoms is not proof enough. To put it another way, me saying “I experience daily pain all over my body” is not proof to the DWP, but a doctor saying “Cassian tells me they experience daily pain all over their body” is totally strong evidence.

The fact is that the support company who ditched me should not have needed a piece of paper saying I have EDS to provide me with support that suits my needs. They were happily providing me with support for autistic difficulties despite never having seen a diagnosis letter. They should have listened to me stating my needs, and then written care plans that suit those needs. But like the DWP, a piece of paper from a doctor saying “Cassian has these symptoms” carries more weight than me saying “I have these symptoms.” It’s kinda twisted, and my diagnosing doctor didn’t know it, but that’s how it is.

So basically, this is all to tell you that people on the internet totally trash self-diagnosed people on the internet, and say “I’m not gonna believe you unless you get a formal diagnosis, you’re making people who really have these conditions look bad, please stop” - but when you actually do get to see a doctor they have no problem whatsoever with self-diagnosis and they don’t understand why anyone would seek diagnosis for a condition that they already know they have. Doctors, they know, are for working out what’s wrong with you. If you already know the name of your condition, you don’t need to talk to them. If you are successfully self-managing and don’t need treatment, you don’t need to talk to them. And as far as they are concerned, you shouldn’t need to have a diagnosis letter to have your needs recognised and respected by companies and local authorities when seeking support.

“But Cassian,” some people will say, “you are quite a special case. You’re older and more experienced than most self-dxers on Tumblr, you did a lot of research for a long time, you did everything right. It’s a spectrum, you know? Your self-diagnosis was valid, but there’s a lot of blatant fakers out there on Tumblr.” NO SHUT UP. You cannot judge people on the internet like that! You know nothing about them and their life! And even if you feel doubtful of their self-diagnosis because of the way they talk about it or whatever else superficial reason, that doesn’t mean that they are making it up! You deciding that I am legit and they are not is PURE PREJUDICE and you can take your backhanded compliments elsewhere!

So like, let’s just go over that in very clear words so you know where I stand. I understand that diagnosis and disability and mental illness are complex and nuanced issues, BUT. Self-diagnosis doesn’t magically become invalid just because you say it does, and holy crap even if teenagers on Tumblr were giving everyone else a bad name no one would know because doctors and the DWP and local authorities and anyone who has any power over us at all DON’T H*CKING USE TUMBLR and have no idea that you think teenagers are making it up for attention. All of this tug of war between “self-diagnosis is valid (✿◡‿◡)~” and “self-dxers are attention-seeking Tumblrinas that give legit sufferers a bad name” happens in a little internet bubble that the VAST MAJORITY of people are blissfully unaware of, Jeeeesus Christ on a bicycle.

Okay, thanks for listening, I’m glad to get that out of my system.

~

[Also posted to Medium.]

[healthgd-blog]

What is depression? – Types, Causes, Symptoms, Treatment

What is depression

Depression is a very difficult disease to explain in a nutshell, but it is a state of brain energy deficiency that causes psychological disorders such as depressed mood and reduced motivation (appetite, sleep desire, libido, etc.). It is not uncommon for symptoms to persist, as well as with a variety of physical symptoms. In other words, it can be thought of as a state in which a lack of energy has caused a trouble in the entire system of the brain. We have a great feature of natural healing, which usually leads to a variety of failures. We sometimes feel depressed in our daily lives. An unpleasant event can also reduce your appetite. However, if the brain is not deficient in energy, it will usually recover over time due to its natural healing power. If the condition does not improve or worsens over time, the obstacle to life will increase, and it will be regarded as a “disease”. As a result, the original social functions, such as work, housework, and study, will not work well, and it will also affect overall daily life, such as socializing and hobbies.

Types and characteristics of depression

There are various ways to classify depression, such as

(1) classification based on the appearance of symptoms.

(2) classification based on severity.

(3) classification based on whether it is new or recurrent.

(4) classification based on characteristic disease types.

A brief description follows. Incidentally, new-type depression and modern-type depression do not exist in the diagnostic criteria used by specialists and are therefore not defined.

Classification according to the appearance of symptoms

Among depressions, those that cause only depression are called “unipolar depression”, and those that cause both depression and manic state are called “bipolar depression”.

Classification by severity

It is a classification according to the degree of trouble that appears in work and daily life due to symptoms.”Severe”, on the other hand, is a level where work, daily life, and communication with others are clearly difficult. “Moderate” lies between “mild” and “severe”.

Classification based on whether it is the first or recurrence

It is a classification of “unity” or “repeatability”. In the case of “repeatability”, it is especially important to take measures to prevent recurrence.

Classification by characteristic disease types

“Melancholic type” is a type often referred to as typical depression. It refers to a process that leads to brain energy depletion while over-adapting to various tasks, duties and roles. Characteristic is that, even if it is good, you feel unwell at all, obvious loss of appetite, weight loss, depressed mood is usually the worst in the morning, waking up early in the morning (more than 2 hours before normal) Guilt, and so on. On the other hand, it is “atypical”, but features include good mood for good things, appetite tendency to overeating, weight gain, hypersomnia, severe malaise, and sensitivity to criticism from others. The “seasonal type” is a type of “repetitiveness” in which depression develops in a specific season and recovers as the season changes. Although it can happen in any season, winter depression is famous and its relationship to sunshine hours is said. Postpartum depression is the onset of depression within four weeks of childbirth. It is thought that a combination of unhealthy factors such as hormonal changes, labor fatigue, anxiety about raising children, and lack of sleep due to breastfeeding.

Causes of depression

Studies have shown that depression is not the only cause. Very painful events often trigger the onset, but it is not uncommon for something to overlap before that. Therefore, it is easier to think of a factor as a concept than a cause. The various factors that occur in life are linked in a complex way.

The first is the “environmental factor” that is most likely to trigger, but the death or separation of important people (family and close people), loss of important things (including work, property, health, etc.), human relations troubles, Factors include trouble, changing roles at work or at home (promotion, demotion, marriage, pregnancy, etc.). In this way, you can see that various events can be a factor.

“Personality tendency” is also one of the onset factors. As explained in “(1) What is depression.Owners who emphasize the consideration of nature and try to maintain a relationship will emit more energy. Energy recovery can be seen while efforts are being made, but the risk of onset increases if there are situations in which results are not achieved or energy is depleted.

In addition, “genetic factors” and “chronic physical illness” are one of the onset factors. What happens to your brain when you are experiencing depression due to these factors? Recent studies have agreed on the idea that there is a problem with the transmission of neuronal information in the brain. In the brain, various information is transmitted from nerve cell to nerve cell. “Neurotransmitter” is responsible for the transmission. In particular, what is called “serotonin” or “noradrenaline” has been found to be a substance that transmits information about human emotions. It is thought that various factors mentioned above reduce the function of these substances, impair communication, and cause depression.

Signs of depression

First, let’s confirm the characteristics of “depression” which is the main symptom of depression.

I do not feel pleasure or joy

What you normally enjoyed is no more fun or joy. No matter what you do, you will feel depressed.

I can’t feel good even if something good happens

Even if the triggering event or factor resolves or something good for you happens, you will continue to feel sick.

I cannot enjoy my hobbies and favorite things

If you’re in a healthy state, you’ll feel better if you sweat a lot with your favorite hobby, tennis, when you feel bad. If you are depressed, you will not be able to enjoy it.

Depression is a condition in which these symptoms persist for more than two weeks. Being aware early will increase the likelihood that the disease will be prevented. However, mental health illnesses, such as depression, are very similar to lifestyle-related illnesses, and it is certainly difficult to be aware of it in daily life.

One idea is to focus on symptoms that are easy to be aware of. In the first place, there are two things that are very important for living things. One is eating. Energy replenishment. The other is sleep, which is energy charging. If you are tired but you can’t sleep, the charging will run out and your natural healing power will decrease and go unhealthy. Recently, there have been many research reports showing the link between insomnia and depression, such as the risk of developing depression within three years is four times higher in people with insomnia than in people without insomnia. You.

The advantage of focusing on sleep is that it is easier to be aware of. If you notice that it takes more than 30 minutes to fall asleep, wake up many times on the way, wake up too quickly in the morning, or lose your feeling of deep sleep, first review your lifestyle habits to prevent your energy from bottoming out. Specifically, reconsider how to work, avoid caffeine intake for 4 hours before going to bed, relax with bathing in lukewarm water or music, take in sunlight when you wake up, hobby etc. There are ways to secure time and how to spend holidays.

Treatment of depression

There are three main pillars of depression treatment: rest, drug therapy, and psychotherapy / engaging. Treatment of mental illness is often thought of as special, but in fact the three pillars of this treatment are basically the same as physical illness. For example, it may be easier to imagine a fracture as an example. If the bone is broken, wrap the cast and cast it so that it is not used often. This is “rest”. However, when symptoms such as swelling and pain are severe, rest cannot be obtained. You will take painkillers there. “Pharmaceutical therapy” aims to bring out the natural healing power by reducing painful symptoms and making it easier to take time off. By the way, we think about recurrence prevention so that bone is not broken again at the end. “Psychotherapy / melting” involves thinking about how to respond to lifestyle habits, such as trying to consume a lot of calcium even in daily life to make a strong bone.

Let’s briefly explain the three pillars of treatment.

Rest

Living organisms have the power to heal by not using much of the damaged part. Because depression is due to a lack of energy in the brain, resting a brain that has been overused is the basis of treatment. As mentioned above, taking a fracture as an example, even if a fracture is lightly cracked and completely broken, the way to rest is different, as well as from the level of reducing work and not working overtime. The level varies from rest to recuperation. Even if you are at home and feel uncomfortable with your family, you may want to stay in the hospital temporarily, even if it is mild.

Drug therapy

Rest is essential for treatment, but painful symptoms can prevent you from getting enough rest. In addition, as mentioned at the end of the section “(3) Causes of depression”, there is a problem with the information transmission of nerve cells in the brain. Therefore, pharmacotherapy is used to improve brain dysfunction and reduce symptoms.

Some people are reluctant to rely on drugs, but as with physical illness, the “ brain organ ” is impaired by a state of energy deficiency. How about thinking about it?

It is thought that medicine of the type “anti-depressant” is effective for depression. Some people feel anxiety and fear that antidepressants change their personality or that they may disappear, but neurotransmitters such as serotonin and noradrenaline that they originally have The role of antidepressants is to support the effective functioning of. Specifically, it works by increasing the amount of noradrenaline and serotonin, etc., which are originally in the nerve cells in your brain, between the nerve cells.

However, antidepressants are not quick-acting drugs, so it takes some time for the effects to appear. Please consider the effect to take about 2 weeks. Sometimes people stop taking medication because the effect does not appear immediately, but it is important to continue it for a certain period according to the instructions of your doctor.

Although recent antidepressants have been developed with few side effects, they may be aware of drowsiness and gastrointestinal symptoms. The characteristics of side effects are easy to feel in the first week of taking the drug, and are often reduced gradually. Therefore, during the first week, it is easy to feel only the side effects because the effect is not apparent, but consult a specialist when the side effects are difficult.

As mentioned in “(4) Signs of depression,” many depression patients have insomnia. Some people suffer from anxiety or fear. It is not uncommon for these symptoms to be combined with sleep-inducing drugs or anxiolytics (tranquilizers). These drugs have immediate effects, unlike antidepressants, so they take effect after they are taken.

Psychotherapy and teaching

(3) As mentioned in the section on “Causes of depression”, “there is no single cause of depression”, so it cannot be treated only by rest and pharmacotherapy. Antidepressants do not solve environmental factors, and so do personality trends. Psychotherapy / engaging mainly focuses on preventing recurrence. In a similar situation, you will need to review your thinking and behavior patterns so that depression does not recur or recur.

There are various treatments such as “cognitive behavioral therapy”, “Morita therapy”, and “introduction therapy” in psychotherapy and teaching. is. It is important to note that psychotherapy and training are not unilaterally performed by mental specialists, but that patients must have the independence to work with them. As mentioned above, taking a fracture as an example, when doctors provide dietary guidance, it is as important as the patient’s will and behavior to improve eating habits.

Prognosis of depression

Depression does not mean that treatment ends as soon as treatment begins. The healing process takes a certain amount of time, just like a physical condition that requires going to a hospital, such as a fracture. The process of healing is improved by slowly climbing the stairs one by one, with small waves that get better and worse. And it is said that about 80% of depression can reach a state of “remission” in which most of the previous spirit has recovered.

The period of treatment is considered to be roughly divided into three periods: “acute”, “recovery”, and “relapse prevention”. The most important things to consider in the acute phase are rest, drug therapy in the recovery phase, and psychotherapy / engaging in the relapse prevention phase. In other words, the emphasis of each period can be considered as the three pillars of treatment.

“There is more than one cause of depression,” so the duration of each of the three periods varies greatly depending on the situation. A rough guideline for typical depression is that the acute period is one to three months, the recovery period is four to six months, and the recurrence prevention period is one year. Of course, if treatment is started early for mild cases, it will be possible to move to the recurrence prevention phase sooner. As with lifestyle-related diseases, it is still important to respond early.

One last thing is important. That is, “I will not stop the medicine as soon as I get better.” Remission will be reached during the “recovery period”. At that time, it is not unusual to stop the medicine at your own discretion. As a result, they may come back to remission, but they may recur. It is important to consult with your doctor about the timing of reducing the amount of medicine. I’m worried about taking it for a long time, but this is similar to the fact that if you improve your blood data and your lifestyle isn’t improving, stopping taking it will cause a lifestyle-related disease to recur. It is important to be patient and to spend the “prevention period”.

Reference: - https://health.gd/what-is-depression-types-causes-symptoms-treatment/

[sarahburness]

5 Signs You Don’t Know What Your Body Needs

“The body is a multilingual being. It speaks through its color and its temperature, the flush of recognition, the glow of love, the ash of pain, the heat of arousal, the coldness of nonconviction. It speaks through its constant tiny dance, sometimes swaying, sometimes a-jitter, sometimes trembling. It speaks through the leaping of the heart, the falling of the spirit, the pit at the center, and rising hope.” ~Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Women Who Run With the Wolves

We read about all these things we “should” be doing for self-care, so we add them to our to-do list and rarely, if ever, cross them off.

Most of us have such busy schedules, we move on fast-forward without getting any closer to the end of our list. We end up running on autopilot to the point that we ignore most of what our body tries to tell us it needs in order to look and feel our best.

Just getting through our to-do list each day can take a toll on our body and mind. But what’s becoming more apparent is that not slowing down, not listening to our body, can be detrimental to our health—and our looks!

At some point, I realized that I was on autopilot so often that it felt physically impossible to fit healthy eating into my routine. I tried so hard to eat the “right” foods and would always end up binging on pizza or some other junk food when I thought no one was looking. I felt so much shame and distress from trying so hard, and yet nothing changed.

What I didn’t realize is that my body had been sending me signals all along to lead me in the right direction, but I was completely clueless. Autopilot had taken over my life, and not to mention, my body’s energy, luster, and shape. Not cool.

So how do you know if you’re running on autopilot and are disconnected from what your body needs to function and look its best? Read these signs and take note if they sound familiar.

Sign #1: You don’t know if you have any food allergies or sensitivities.

Do you ever wonder if you’re one of the millions of people with a gluten sensitivity or a dairy intolerance? If it turns out that you are, your body has tried to tell you multiple times.

Common symptoms of gluten sensitivities are bloating, frequent headaches, constipation, diarrhea, skin issues, sluggishness, and so much more. Common symptoms of lactose intolerance are congestion, bloating, abdominal pain, acne, and migraines. If you’ve ever experienced any of these, your body is trying to tell you something.

I started birth control as a teenager, since it was the only thing I knew that actually worked to keep my acne under control. At times it was so bad, my mom let me skip school to avoid embarrassment.

When I became an adult, I tried many times to get off of it but each time I did, my skin broke out again. Adult acne felt even worse. It wasn’t until I limited wheat and dairy that I was able to get off birth control and my skin finally cleared up for good.

Contrary to what we tend to believe, symptoms like these aren’t normal! It’s your body’s way of telling you a serious change is needed. Seriously.

Sign #2: You frequently aren’t sure if you’re actually hungry or not.

How often do you find yourself staring blankly into your pantry wondering if you’re truly hungry or if you’re just bored?

In the past, I’d go to my fridge, open it up and give it a good hard stare, close it, and then walk away—only to find myself doing it again minutes later. Was I hungry? Was I craving something? I had no clue if my own body was hungry or not! I felt so frustrated and annoyed with myself for doing this time and time again.

It sounds counterintuitive, but many of us don’t have an appetite the majority of the day simply because we just don’t eat enough food. Our body ends up holding onto every morsel we feed it for dear life.

It’s a genuine a survival instinct. If your body doesn’t know if it’s going to get enough at its next meal, it sends mixed signals. But when your body is getting enough nutrients, you won’t have to question whether you’re hungry or not.

Sign #3: You swear to have zero willpower when it comes to processed food.

Does it seem like no matter how hard to try to eat healthy, you always end up choosing the food you know you’ll regret?

Whenever I’d go through one of my clean eating phases, I’d inevitably be the girl hiding in the corner stuffing her face with the muffin she never liked to begin with. I’d be so angry with myself for not having more self-control and then feel so ashamed. I’d repeat silently to myself over and over, “What’s wrong with you? Why do you keep doing this?”

A lack of willpower is our body’s way of telling you it needs specific nutrients (hello chocolate! magnesium needed), nostalgia (let’s recreate an old memory), or even yearnings (how alive will I feel if I eat this).

If you pay attention to what your body is feeling physically during these moments, you may notice your throat constricting or heaviness in your belly. I argue that there’s no such thing as willpower. Your body needs something and it’s not necessarily food related.

Sign #4: You have no idea why you’re so tired and craving junk food every afternoon like clockwork.

Do you feel sluggish at 2:00 to 3:00 pm on a daily basis? And then find yourself reaching for the first extra sweet or salty thing you can get your hands on?

When my afternoon slump came, all I knew is that I was so dang tired… and craving carbs and sugar like a fiend! Enter vending machine with salty chips and sweet candy bars to the rescue. I’d feel so lethargic and just awful. This vicious cycle had me exhausted and ultimately is what made realize I had to do something. I had to make a change.

Your body’s ravenous afternoon cravings are a message. They’re screaming at you, “I need nutrients! I need fuel!” Chances are, you haven’t fed it what it needs throughout the day and your body’s only way to get through to you is to intensify your cravings.

Sign #5: You feel extreme emotions without rhyme or reason.

Do you ever have days where you feel like you want to scream or cry for absolutely no reason at all?

Formerly, I sometimes experienced this during a TV show or movie. The characters would say or do something that wasn’t particularly scary or exciting, but it triggered something and I felt an urge to start bawling. It was really unnerving to realize I could cry my heart out for no apparent reason at all.

Our nature is to take the easy route—to push any heightened emotions aside and go on with our day. (We always have so much to do, right?!) But emotions need to be felt. Otherwise, they can manifest by coming out at unexpected moments or even physically in our bodies i.e. hair loss, skin rashes, weight gain/loss, etc.

Your body is a magical and wise teacher. Every ache, pain, symptom, and craving is a gift in its own way.

Think of how many chronic illnesses that are diet related. Here are some to name a few: diabetes, heart disease, cancer, dental health, osteoporosis, asthma … The negative symptoms you’re experiencing today are your body’s way of doing what it can to help you prevent a disease from manifesting in your body tomorrow.

My mom found out she has breast cancer a couple years ago. Since then, she’s completely transformed her diet and lifestyle, and from what we can tell, the cancer has regressed.

She’s always struggled with extreme allergies and health issues. I can’t help but wonder, what if she had listened to her body and made these changes before the cancer progressed? How much less scared and stressed would our family be? (Now she’s feeling better than she did before her diagnosis!)

I'm not suggesting that anyone who has cancer is to blame for their diagnosis, or that dietary and lifestyle changes alone will cure it, but simply that our diet affects our health in more ways than we know.

I learned through her story and now I’m doing the best I can to take note of every little ache, pain, flush, color, craving, and emotion of my body… before I end up with the kind of life-changing hardship that’s far more than just gaining a few pounds or adult acne.

If your body is experiencing a persisting symptom, it’s telling you something. Listen.

If you’re feeling an extreme emotion, your body has something it needs to feel. Let it.

If any of these signs resonate with you, try this: Put one hand on your belly, the other on your heart and say this aloud, “Dear body, I’m sorry for not listening and not making you the priority. I really do want the best for you. I love you. I’m listening.”

Slow down and be mindful of the signs your body is sending. And instead of adding more things to your to-do list, you’ll gradually feel more confident about what your body needs to move naturally in a positive, healthier direction.

About Brittney daCosta

Brittney daCosta empowers women to embrace their true self through yoga and eating pleasurable, healthy foods. Through transformative food and lifestyle changes, she helps you eat naturally for your body and move with goddess level confidence. To learn how to align your emotions, body, and life with your relationship to food, download her free e-book, Freedom From Food here.

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The post 5 Signs You Don’t Know What Your Body Needs appeared first on Tiny Buddha.

from Tiny Buddha https://tinybuddha.com/blog/5-signs-you-dont-know-what-your-body-needs/

[disabilitythinking]

Disability & Food: Results and Conclusions

120 people completed my online Disability & Food survey. That's a pretty good number, and the final results look pretty much the same as they have looked all along, which suggests they aren't just random. I don't know that I have any stunning conclusions, but let's see the results and explore what they might mean.

Question 1 "How often do you have the following kinds of meals?"

Results:

Home prepared and cooked (strongly weighted) Cooked and prepared by someone else Frozen dinners Home delivery or take-out Eating out at restaurants School, college, or workplace cafeteria Meal kits by mail Meals provided in a residential facility

Respondent comments:

Home prepared once & ate for a few days like lasagna- often

Eat what's ready: fruit, chips, etc. Also try to cook batch like soup, stew, etc that'll last for days. I forget to eat & cooking for 1 when can only eat 1/2 cup at a time takes more energy & pain than it's worth.

I live alone.

Medical Formula, by mail

I work at a restaurant and very often scrounge from food orders that were messed up or good that is made specifically for the crew to eat. Plus I get an employee discount. But then there are days when I am too tired mentally/physically or in too much pain to expend energy making something myself. I really need to invest in a good delivery service. Recently I've invested in a business that will send you meal cups in the mail (like 24 at a time) and you just need to add water. I got them thru Amazon. I know I spend too much money on eating out but it often simplifies things, as well as cleanup.

My partner does the cooking now that my physical health has deteriorated further.

The majority of what I eat is probably "snack" food. My condition uses up a lot of salt, so I eat a lot of salty potato chips and gatorade. Otherwise it's stuff I can either open up and eat directly (cheese sticks, canned olives, jerky, etc) or stuff that requires a quick zap in the microwave (pre-cooked sausages, gluten-free corn dogs, leftovers from a restaurant, etc)

I am celiac, so I prepare most of my own food so that I do not get gluten-ed.

I frequently eat shelf-stable food that doesn't need to be refrigerated because I know that sometimes I won't be able to leave my room. So I stock up on things like granola bars and beef jerky a lot of the time.

What I can and can't eat, and thus how my food must be processed and prepared, is a huge part of my disability. I eat "frozen dinners" and packets of things I can heat in the microwave, but they all have to be prepared in my home from scratch, a few exceptions of specific brands of things in cans or boxes.

Only recently started cooking at home so much -- started treatment for my undiagnosed ADHD in November at age 45. Now I can more easily plan to cook and get the right items purchased in advance, and make time to prepare it. I've wasted a lot of emotions and food over the years on good intentions and poor implementation.

Refrigerated, microwaveable meals Microwaveable boxed pantry meals

i mostly eat food that i get from the grocery store and that comes out of the package edible... like bread. or fruit. everything else, i cannot prepare

I get the majority of my groceries via grocery delivery service. I assumed that counts as home delivery but wasn't sure. That being said, while I do my own cooking, my mobility tends to dictate how elaborate my meal will be. Not that my meals are really that elaborate lol but how much spoon / labor will be involved. For an example, my kitchen is not fully wheelchair accessible, and so if I want to reach certain cabinets etc., I need to be able to get up out of my chair. So there are times, I just don't have access to certain foods in my kitchen and will eat whatever I can reach. For this reason, I very very rarely use the stove. Me and the oven are BFFs though lol

Thoughts:

I was surprised to see home preparation and cooking pretty far in the lead. I guess I assumed that disabled people would be less likely to do their own home cooking than most.

If you look a little deeper, you see that even though home cooking came out on top, only 40% say they do it all or most of the time, and most respondents seem to rely on a roughly even mix of home cooking, cooking done by someone else, frozen dinners, and delivery / take-out.

Several respondents note in their comments that they rely heavily on home cooking because of very specific dietary needs related to their disabilities. This is a wrinkle that I had not anticipated at all, probably because I have never had any health or allergy-related food restrictions myself. Nor am I a vegetarian. In fact, I've only recently started to think much at all about the quality or healthiness of my diet. I'm not sure if that's a privilege or a liability.

One thing that promoted me to set up this survey is the recent popularity ... at least in the media I consume ... of home delivered meal kit subscriptions, like Blue Apron and Hello Fresh. So, it's interesting that this option got the next to lowest score of the 8 options I offered. Maybe it's the high cost. For me, it's because the recipes all sound too fancy and hipster for my tastes. In all of the ads I've heard for these services, I have never yet heard a described recipe that sounded appetizing to me. Besides, they sound convenient, but probably still require a lot of labor before you can actually chow down.

Q2 Sources: "How often do you get your food from the following?"

Supermarkets (very strongly weighted) Someone else shops for you Delivery from online shopping sites Neighborhood markets or farmer's markets Convenience stores Delivery from local stores

Respondent comments:

I V fluids via medical supply

I interpreted 'online shopping sites' to include online supermarket ordering and delivery.

Where your questions only go down to almost never it's actually never which you haven't got

Protein powder online. Shopping is usually once a month. Buy to last. Maybe occasional trip out. Shopping is painful.

I shop for my own groceries.

Due to coordination, vision limitations I cannot use the apps/smartphone/do financial transactions on smartphone or computer, which prevents me from shopping online and most delivery places. I often go hungry as a result.

Grow my own food - very often

Local non chain shops, butcher, fishmonger , greengrocer ( fruit, veg & healthy groceries e.g.. GF products, ) good quality and locally grown organic produce etc quality breads, sheep/goat yoghurt etc.

The only money I have for buying groceries is my food stamps, so I'm very limited in where I can buy food. If I eat out it's always my partner paying.

I am celiac, so I prepare most of my own food so that I do not get gluten-ed.

Staff take him shopping

I live in a city with multiple food coops. I shop there most often, but no one store carries all the foods I need in a week. Food shopping involves stops at two to four stores a trip. I do not drive and public transport is inaccessible to me. I need rides for all of this.

Thoughts:

Supermarket shopping comes out on top, by a very wide margin. Again, that surprises me. I probably should have added a question or two about transportation and geography though. Most people consider supermarkets the best and most economical place to get groceries, but I wonder how many disabled people can't use them easily because they live in places without supermarkets and lack transportation to get to them.

The next two most heavily weighted categories ... someone shopping for you and takeout / delivery ... both rely on others, and probably also can be done without leaving home. These are the kinds of options that one would expect to be popular among disabled people. But again, they're not as heavily relied upon as one might conventionally predict.

Respondent comments bring up diet restrictions here, too, but also limited income and physical inaccessibility as factors that shape and restrict how people get their food supplies.

Q3 Disabilities: "Which category(s) best describe your type of disability? (check any that apply)"

97 with physical disabilities 51 with mental health disabilities 31 with sensory disabilities 20 with other cited disabilities 19 with cognitive disabilities 15 with learning disabilities

Respondent comments:

developmental disorder

Language

Severe food, environmental (including inhalant) allergies--often requiring hospitalization

Autism

Autism (unsure where to put that)

Eyes fatigue easily, and after many years of difficulty and little help due to invisibility of my disability (which is TBI) I am exhausted and don't h ave energy for interacting with others, constantly teaching, explaining etc. since no one understands.

chronic illness

In addition to mobility disability, have medical conditions affecting diet

hearing loss, food allergies

health disability, autistic

Autism, then not listed above- 1 of my kids is autistic, one has Down syndrome, both have anaphylactic food allergies, I have a medical concern that requires me to eat a totally different diet than my partner and kids

Visual

Autistic with sensory sensitivities, IBS, Coeliac, Lactose intolerant, Hypothyroidism, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Cancer survivor surviving radical surgery, heavy duty chemo, radiotherapies, Restless legs Syndrome, insomnia, and more, GAD

Food allergies play a major role in my eating/shopping habits

not sure where autism goes in here. also chronic illnesses

Chronic pain/traumatic brain injury

Autistic, and irritable Bowel Syndrome and PCOS. Not a fun combo.

Chronic illness- asthma

Medical conditions

Type 1 diabetes

Thoughts:

I probably should have included a few more disability types, since there is a lot of overlap and ambiguity among these very broad, generic categories ... particularly mental health, cognitive, and learning disabilities. I also wish I had added a chronic illness category for people with conditions that more readily fall into that category.

On the other hand, I think allowing people to choose more than one category means we get a pretty good picture of who is responding, and the vast majority of respondents had some kind of physical disabilities, sometimes along with others.

So?

Those are the survey results, in detail and summary. But what about my shopping and eating habits?

I do most of my grocery shopping online with delivery by mail. I order once a month. I've only been doing this for about 4 months though. Before that, I shopped at a supermarket about once a month, and picked up things at convenience stores here and there. Even though I drive, my shopping was definitely too irregular, physically difficult, and unnecessarily expensive.

Before I started grocery shopping online, my biggest problem was getting fresh fruit and vegetables, buying household supplies in bulk, and getting anything large or heavy ... like big bottles of milk, juice, or soda, or big bags of sugar (for my twice daily tea).

I eat frozen dinners about half the time. A quarter of the time I eat take-out, and another quarter is conventional home cooking.

Speaking of fruit ... and the mini-controversy last year about whether selling pre-cut or packaged fruit is wasteful or accessible ... I do buy pre-cut fruit and bagged salad, as well as large boxes of single-serve fruit cups.

http://www.npr.org/sections/thesalt/2016/03/07/469521879/pre-peeled-oranges-what-some-call-lazy-others-call-a-lifesaver

I often think about these new meal kits by mail services, but I never seriously consider them because they are expensive. And anyway, their big selling point seems to be that you don't have to worry about ingredients or portion sizes. I used to have that kind of problem, but at this point I know pretty much what I will and won't actually prepare and eat. For me it's not hard to figure out. But for others it might be more of a thing.

Conclusions:

I don't really have any, except for this:

If I had unlimited power and resources to make one radical change in American society, I sometimes think I would institute free public breakfast buffets. Two things make me think about this:

TV shows about the British upper class, where everyone just comes to the dining room in the morning and the servants have laid out a full range of breakfast foods on a big sideboard.

Motel chains that offer free breakfast.

My life would improve enormously if I could easily got to a big breakfast buffet every morning and just dish up a plate of whatever looked good. You could do the same thing with lunches or dinners, but for me, breakfast is the thing. I love breakfast food, but it tends to be labor intensive, and my body is at its worst in the morning. It's the time I need good food the most, and am least equipped to prepare it.

What new kinds of food or shopping services would improve your life and independence? What changes have you made in this area that have made a difference in your life? Are these strictly matters of individual planning and innovation, or are there larger-scale systemic changes that would be both feasible and helpful to disabled people?

Share more of your comments below! And thanks for helping with this survey!