#like the bulk of it is anxiety and the throat issue but all of it??

[thelaughingmerman]

I had like such a good day until about 7 o'clock and the anxiety hit me like a freight train

[keilemlucent]

steaming

(r18+)

pro hero! todoroki shouto / reader

ao3

word count: ~3.8k

You and Shouto have been busy as hell and haven't seen each other much, but a 'relaxing' (read: horny) trip to an onsen is sure to remedy any and all lost time

warnings: pro hero shouto, onsen sex (please do not fuck in onsens im begging u please learn etiquette for onsens too), temperature play, a little bit of insecure reader well

this is a piece for the fanfic event yagami yato server i’m apart of! the theme for this month was an onsen getaway so here u go! hope y’all enjoy ;^)

The onsen trip was one that Shouto had been particularly excited about. It was a small place in Akita, far away from the drone of the city that the two of you were both accustomed to. 

Both you and Shouto had been working ridiculously hard the past several months, stretching to your physical and mental limits. It had taken a toll in many areas of your shared lives, but a lot of it was on that quality time the two of you were able to spend together. 

Shouto wasn’t particularly clingy, but he was definitely starting ache for you. It had been far too long since you’d been able to relax as a couple. A weekend onsen getaway seemed like the perfect opportunity for both of you to unwind and spend some quality time together. 

Shouto tended to go... overboard. Mostly due to the fact that though he was perceptive, he was also somewhat dense. You’d gotten fairly flustered when Shouto dropped that he reserved the entire resort for the two of you. It was small and family-run to begin with, but still. It felt a little excessive, but part of you was relieved that no public, prying eyes would disturb the two of you.

When the two of you arrived, the resort was surrounded by pretty autumn leaves, all orange and yellow hues that stretched through the rolling hills. 

It was overly relaxing, almost. 

By the time the two of you were able to check-in and settle down, the sun had already begun to set low in the sky. 

You dropped down on the futon in your somewhat small room. The day of traveling had worn you down, leaving a bit of sleepy haze clouding your mind.

“Baby?” Shouto flopped down beside you, pulling you close and burying his nose in your hair. “Are you feeling alright?”

You hummed, nodding, “Yeah, just a bit tired. Do you want to try out the hot springs tonight or wait until tomorrow and get some rest now?”

Based on the way Shouto let out a rolling, deep chuckle, getting ‘rest’ was unlikely, “Let’s try them tonight, hm? Get some of that stress out of your shoulders.”

As if to emphasize the point, Shouto’s lithe hands went to rub at the stiff muscles. You could only press into his touch, practically purring.

One of the cheekier parts of this trip was that the onsen Shouto specifically rented allowed didn’t have any separation of sex. It was more than acceptable for you and Shouto to share the same pool at the same time. Most of the other exceptions that you and Shouto were sure to need had been... ‘ prepaid for’ (read: Shouto bribed the very nice owners who were sure to be kept up long into the night for several days in a row).

Shouto and you did have to separate for the different lockers room to rinse, but that was hardly an issue. If anything, it was incredibly therapeutic to have a few minutes to yourself before the so-called ‘main event’ of the (long) evening.

Shouto had been remarkably busy with hero work. Being one of the top heroes in Japan had been taking a deep toll on him, even if he was amazing at hiding it. You had been busy as well, far busier than usual. Part of you, a larger part than you wanted to admit, was terrified that you and Shouto’s relationship would fall apart due to sheer lack of contact.

The fact that Shouto had somehow arranged an entire vacation behind your back mostly smoothed that fear over, but one still wondered and worried.

As you rinsed yourself down in the locker room spray, scrubbing your body of any bit of scum and dirt that you could. Perhaps you were taking too long— perhaps it was purposeful.

Because you and Shouto had not done anything sexual in what was, in your book, a considerable length of time. 

It wasn’t intentional, the two of you had clarified before leaving, but it still was the cause of a somewhat unbridled wave of anxiety that you couldn’t escape. 

Old insecurities gnawed at you, fear, its swirling relative. 

This was all magnified by the fact that you’d be very naked with your very attractive partner for the first time in a while.

You gulped, shutting off the spigot and toweling off somewhat. With unsteady legs and a half-covered body, you made your way out to the onsen itself.

As you pulled open the door to the outdoor area, you felt the bite of the wind chill the water droplets still clinging to you.

The unpleasant feeling was washed away rather quickly as you took in the scenery. The area was rocky and mossy, leading to a smaller hot spring, bubbling away with steam rising lazily from its depths. Trees ringed the onsen’s outcrop, obscuring any potential wandering glances. It was all lit by soft, warm, modern-looking stringed-bulbs, wound high above.

The best part, of course, was Shouto looking very smitten with you, as he was already submerged.

“I was wondering where you were,” He laughed so easily, beckoning you by tapping the water. 

You could only muster up a half-assed smile, “Would you believe me if I told you I got cold feet?”

You didn’t see his expression as you turned around to walk into the hot spring, incredibly quickly, after removing your towel. 

(If you had been looking, you would’ve seen Shouto’s eyes widen with your words, water losing steam as his ice side fired subconsciously.)

  Admittedly, the water did feel amazing against your skin. The heat of it curled around your body, seeping in your wound up muscles. You audibly moaned as you fell next to Shouto in the water, leaning your head on his shoulder. His arm wrapped around your waist, squeezing under the rolling water. 

A moment of calmness passed, the sounds of flora and fauna echoing off the natural stones and tall trees. 

“What do you mean by cold feet?” Shouto asked, eyes flickering down to meet your own. “

“Nothing bad, dear. It’s just...” Your voice trailed off with the anxiety in your chest spinning. You buried your nose in the muscle of his shoulder, a bit embarrassed. “It’s just been a minute, you know?”

Shouto raised an eyebrow, turning to move directly regard you, “I’m not sure I do.”

“Uh,” You stumbled, giving him a wobbly smile. “It’s just been a minute since we’ve, you know—”

“Had sex?” Shouto finished your sentence with his own teasing smile. 

Your face erupted in red, very obviously not from the hot water you both were submerged in. 

You physically lowered in the water, up to your shoulders, “Yes, had sex, Shouto.”

“Why would that make you anxious?” Shouto asked, mirroring your motion, not to give you guff, but rather comfort. 

“You know—” You paused before answering, eyes watching the light churn of the water as opposed to the Shouto’s incredibly focused gaze, “Just like, dumb insecurity stuff. You don’t need to worry about it, I’m just happy to be here with you.”

That made Shouto frown, rough hands grabbing your hips under the water, “I’m glad you’re here with, very glad, but I’d like to help if I can.”

You bit your lip, focusing on the way Shouto’s thumbs pressed and rubbed idle circles on the meat of your hips, “It’s just been a while, and I get scared that you... you know, will feel differently about me than before. In a bad way.”

Shouto was silent, unspeaking, and thumbs stilled on your skin. You knew him well enough to understand that he wasn’t upset, but rather in thought.

Suddenly, you were being dragged through the water onto Shouto’s lap. You yelped, grabbing his shoulders for stability as you ass settled on his strong thighs. With this arrangement, it was difficult to turn away from him as you had been. It was made even more difficult when Shouto gently grabbed your jaw, holding your face level with his own.

You gulped.

“Though I understand your anxiety,” His free hand massaged the bulk of your thigh. “I can thoroughly tell you its unfounded.”

The next moment, his lips pressed into yours. They were petal-soft, but there was force behind it as he moved against you. You couldn’t moaning against his mouth, hands falling against his chest as you moved ever closer.

Shouto seemed to have similar needs in terms of proximity, hand going to palm you ass beneath the water and pull you nearly chest to chest with him.

You broke away with a sharp breath, wetting your lip. Your eyes darted up to meet Shouto’s own, all blown wide in adoration and lust. He chuckled at you sheepishness, pressing kiss after kiss to your face. He dropped them onto the sweat-slicked skin of your cheeks, nose, chin, forehead, and eventually trailed them to your jaw and neck.

“(Y/N), you’ve given me quite the job to do,” Shouto murmured against the soft skin under your ear. 

You sucked in a harsh breath, nails digging into his shoulders, “Yeah? And what job is that?”

He hummed, suddenly licking a quick strip from your throat to the shell of your ear, leaving you with a sharp bite as he whispered, “I guess I just have to show you how I feel about you, with our time apart.”

The hand that had been cupping your ass moving slowly towards your sex, teasingly. Your hips shifted and the prospect, your need already dialed up with lost time. 

“I do feel differently about you, but it’s only positive, I promise,” Shouto assured you, going back to kissing your neck, going to bite and suck at your collar bones. “I just want you more than before.”

It had been so long since he’d been able to mark you up in the way both of you so enjoyed. One of your hands twisted in his two-toned tresses, crying out as he left a particularly dark mark.

“I missed you so much,” Shouto kissed the words into you, using both hands to half-lift and half-force you higher above the water, still straddling him but lifted up on your knees. Your chest was out of the water, nipples hardening in the autumns chill.

“S-Shouto!” You bit out as he palmed at one of your breasts. “Someone could see us!”

All he did was raise a sly eyebrow at you, blowing frosty breath onto one of your nipples, hardening it, and the droplets of water that clung to your chest. You hissed but quickly were soothed as it melted with the steam of the water below, leaving a tingly numbness dabbled across your chest.

You shuddered as Shouto took in his discovery. 

Temperature play was one of your mutual old favorites.

“I’m not too worried about that,” Shouto peppered your chest with kisses as he spoke, leaving a few dark marks on your breasts. They were sure to ache later, and the thought made you wet.

(Could you be wet? You were underwater—)

Any controversial thoughts you had were quickly seized as Shouto’s hand began to massage the inside of your thigh. You keened in the back of your throat, shuddering as his hand was so fucking cold, despite being surrounded by steaming water.

“Do you like it when I touch you like this, baby?” Shouto kissed the words into your chest. He hummed with what could only be satisfied as you trembled in his lap, nodding. 

“I do,” You sank lower in the water, recovering your chest in the process. It was an easy sacrifice as you could now, far easier, reach between your two bodies and gently grab Shouto’s cock. You rubbed your thumb of its head, loving the way Shouto’s stunning eyes closed in what was near rapture. 

You grinned to yourself, giving your own smattering of kisses to Shouto. Lovebites trailed down his neck, sparing not one of his more sensitive spots. Shaking exhaled breaths and soft grunts fell from his lips so beautifully as his hands trailed up and down your back, fisting in your hair when you found a particularly tender spot.

All the while, you pumped his cock at a somewhat tortuous pace. If he was going to get make you twitch for him every few seconds with his frigid hand, you were only going to give him a bit of satisfaction.

Though, that plan quickly went down the drain when his hand drifted closer to your sex, teasing at the apex of your thighs.

You fizzled out a whine, pressing your slick forehead to Shouto’s, watching the way his eyes opened, dilated pupils regarding you in the same way a man starved would.

“Some options,” Shouto breathed again your lips, dulling the numbing use of his quirk, much to your chagrin. “I can fuck your pretty cunt in this hot spring, or I could fuck you over the side, or I could lay you out on that moss—”

You cut him off with a kiss, loving the small noise that came when his words stuck in his mouth. You drew away with the sweetest smile on your face, “Can I ride you like this?”

Shouto’s matched your grin with his own, kissing the side of your mouth sweetly, “Of course. Once I feel you’re properly prepared. It’s been acknowledged that it has been a while, and I’d hate to hurt you at all.”

“Well, at least on night one,” You smirked, reminding him that you still had several more days to go at one and other. 

Shouto rolled his eyes, all affection, before rolling his thumb over your swollen clit. You gasped out a clipped breath as he repeated the motion. You couldn’t help the way your hips rolled in his hands and the way your own tangled in his hair.

The lapse in your sex life truly hadn’t taken away Shouto’s ability to read your physicality. He knew just the right rhythm and speed to take things, having long since committed every inch of your body to his memory.

Like any length of time apart from intimacy would take that away from him. He coveted his knowledge of your body like a god cherishes its domain. 

Truly, he worshiped you in all aways and it was a crime that it had been so long that he had been able to show in. 

Shouto sank two elegant, long fingers into you, a pretty cry falling from lips. You pressed yourself into his neck, already starting to move your hips against his fingers.

“Eager, are we, baby?” Shouto teased, cursing as your hand was once again around his cock, giving it a rough pump or two.

You snickered against his neck between moans, dropping a few kisses on his pulse point, “Like you aren’t.”

His fingers curled just right, alternating between rubbing against the spongy spot in your cunt and stretching his fingers to ease you to open for him. 

You were all lovely, breathy moans for him, idly stroking his cock and dabbling him with slick kisses. You couldn’t do much else, truthfully. The feeling of Shouto’s fingers buried in your heat while being surrounded by heat was something heaven-sent, you were sure of it. It felt especially true as Shouto’s thumb moved back to circle your clit while his other fingers kept at work.

You could feel a rising heat in your gut and all you wanted was more of it. 

But not yet.

“S-Shouto, wait,” You cupped his face, eyes pleading. “I want to come with you, while you’re fucking me, please.”

Oh, what an easy request to oblige. 

Ravenously, he kissed, drinking you down like you were divine ambrosia. All you could do was fall against him, writhing as he gripped his cock on the surface, lining himself up.

Your nails bit into his shoulder as you bore down on the head of his cock, a little whimper sounding from the back of your throat.

It had been awhile. 

Shouto quickly hushed you, thumb going back to your clit as you sank down. 

“Fuck, you’re tight,” Shouto breathed, resting his head against your shoulder as he bottomed out.

You could only imagine how it felt for him, cock filling you up so well. For you, it felt like your brain was short-circuiting, the way his cock pressing up against your insides was turning you to mush. It had been far too long for both you, your breath matching in the way it shook.

“Fuck,” You managed to curse, readjusting your knees for more leverage. You truly did want to ride Shouto’s cock with every inch of your life, but based on the bruising grip he had on your hips, he wouldn’t stand for you doing much of the work. 

Slowly, you slide up Shouto’s cock, relishing the way how his normally controlled speech devolved into strings of muttered curses. The hand on his ice side kept firing cold on your hip, the odd but pleasant sensation making it all the more difficult to keep your thighs from trembling.

You nearly pulled off him, watching the way Shouto wetted his lips with blown pupils and half-lidded eyes. 

You let the tension of your legs go, slamming back down on his cock. Shouto cried out, hands tensing on your hips and you harshly bottomed out. 

You raised yourself up again, repeating the motion as sounds left your lips, unrestrained. A smug smirk came to your face as you watched Shouto’s blushing face come undone so beautifully.

You sank down on his cock a few more times, grinding whenever he was fully sheathed inside you. The way how his cock head bruised your cervix with each thrust made your insides feel gooey and warm. 

Shouto’s self-control was unmatched, fucking or otherwise. But, you could feel his hands start to twitch around your hips. 

“Baby?” He gritted out as you slide down on his cock once more. 

Your thighs shook from exertion as you wiped your damp hair from your face, “Yes, dear?”

“May I please fuck you proper? As much as I love watching you fuck yourself on my cock, I’m getting a bit—” He ground up into your cunt, angling his hips just right to hit your g-spot. “Impatient.”

You cried out, letting your forehead fall against him, still holding onto a bit of yourself, “So polite, Shouto.”

He thrust up into you again, drawing another sharp moan from you as your thighs shook around his own, “That’s not an answer, baby.”

“Please,” Your words came out half-broken as Shouto damn near smashed his lips into yours.

Without missing a moment, Shouto’s hands fire both heat and nearly unbearable cold. You jolt, hardly able to move due to the nature and strength of the grip he has on your hips. He fucks up into your cunt, adjusting your hips perfectly to smash in your most sensitive parts with familiar accuracy.

Your cunt clenched down around him, the heat of Shouto’s body combined with the hot spring making your head spin. All you could do was press yourself into Shouto’s neck, muffling your sounds and sucking at his salt-slick skin.

“I missed this,” Shouto groaned, bringing your hips down to grind deep on his cock. You pressed your face into his neck, not used to Shouto speaking so much during sex. “I missed your pussy so much, baby. Can you tell?”

When you didn’t immediately respond, mind approaching a fucked out stupor, Shouto took it out himself to pull out, rapidly repositioning the two of you.

You yelped as Shouto put you on your knees where he had just been sitting in the onsen, guiding your arms to rest out of the pool against the rocks and moss. He pressed down on the small of your back, forcing you into a deep arch. Shouto stood behind you, mostly out of the water, panting. 

He pushed into a moment later, hissing the new tightness of your cunt, somehow managing to speak, “Can you tell?”

“Yes!”  You sobbed out, voice shattering as Shouto slammed into you. 

Shouto (somewhat gently) tangled a hand in your hair, the other stabilizing your hips before fucking you with what could only be called reckless fucking abandon. If your sex hadn’t been submerged, the lewd, wet noises would’ve surely echoed over the nearby trees and rocks. 

Not that was really on your mind, nothing really could be except for the overwhelming sensation of Shouto fucking you with every he had.

Your arms scrapped against the rocks below you, but you could hardly care or notice. Your back ached as it was forced into its arch, Shouto slamming you even  better the deeper you curved it. 

your mind truly turned to mush as Shouto leaned over your form, his chest to your back, reaching a hand around to roll over your clit as he continued to pound into you.

“You’re going to come with me, right, baby?” Shouto gritted out, just next to your ear. You nodded with everything you had, pleasure and sensation making your toes numb. 

Shouto’s thrusts became more frantic, panting and grunts joining your whimpers and soft cries. Your entire body felt so fucking hot. Mixing that with your arousal was making your vision black-ringed. 

“I-I’m close, please," You begged Shouto, surrendering to your senses as you laid your head on your arms. “Please!”

“Since you asked so nicely—” You could hear the smirk in Shouto’s voice as he bit at your ear, stroking harder at your clit, and somehow fucking you deeper.

You damn near screamed as you came, vision leaving you as you finally were given release.

Shouto gave his own cry as he fucked you through his own orgasm, filling you with stringy cum with each thrust. 

Shouto panted as he slowed, staying inside you as he pressed a few gentle kisses to your shoulders.

“Baby? You alright?” Shouto asked way too sweetly for the how filthily he had been plowing into you moments before.

“Very alright, just like...” You nodded, body shaking and sweating, turning to face him.

You had to stop speaking, seeing the way Shouto was just beaming at you, two-toned eyes shining in the low light. He noticed, stifling a pure laugh, “Like?”

“I’m mush right now. Mush for you in general,” You gave your own laugh, cutting yourself off with a gasp as Shouto pulled out, leaving you feeling incredibly empty. You almost whined.

Shouto carefully guided you from the hot spring, mindful of the various aches and abrasions. As you exited, you wrapped yourself in your discarded towel, giggling to yourself.

“Something funny?” Shouto asked, raising an eyebrow as he similarly covered up. 

“Nah, not really,” You pulled him with an arm around his neck, planting a wet kiss on his hot, flushed face, just under his scar. “Just thinking about how I have all weekend to show you how much I’ve missed you.”

Shouto just chuckled, wrapping his arms around your waist and smiling, “I can’t wait to find out.” 

[silentprincess17]

Sometimes Things Have To Get Worse Before They Get Better

This is essentially a darker, heavier alternate take on Memory #7 - Blades of the Yiga. I wanted to write a fic with a competent Yiga Clan. (Yes you read that right). It is very angsty in the beginning and then becomes fluffy (hence the title!)

Summary: Link and Zelda have returned from Vah Naboris with Urbosa and have spent the night in Kara Kara Bazaar Inn. Link wakes up and finds her missing.

Cue the angst.

This story is complete and I will post each chapter daily on here but you can read the whole thing on AO3

Rating: Mature (Graphic descriptions of violence) Pairing: Link/Zelda (Zelink) Characters: Link, Zelda, The Yiga Clan, Master Kohga Trigger warnings for this chapter: Descriptions of blood, wounds and death. Also: there is a spoiler for one of the side quests in AOC (one of the things Link does for Zelda) and it's in the third paragraph before the last one so it's nearly at the end.

Read Chapter 1

Chapter 2: Ambushed

Link ran, sprinting through the sand, his boots coughing up a flurry of grains, sword already pulled out in his hand, pulsing as it recognised his anxiety.

A ball of fear erupted in his chest, and suddenly Link found his mouth dry and unable to swallow. He couldn’t deny it to himself then, it wasn’t just duty that motivated his actions. Hell, this-this need to protect her… It felt like something he’d always done, an innate instinct. Something deeper than his vows as her Knight tied him to her, probably something to do with his past lives, but he didn’t know how to explain it, and really, it scared him, sometimes, this urge that he had little control over. A lot of things scared him about the sword actually, and he wondered just how separate he truly was from it sometimes.

Despite running flat out, he was still a considerable distance away, but even from here, he could tell, it wasn’t looking good. She had run, valiantly, but there were two of them up ahead of her, he couldn’t make out just yet what Yiga Clan member they were, but he could see the Yiga Foot soldier behind her. And crap, she’d slipped and fallen, and Farore, just – just a few more seconds and he’d make it.

Please, please, please.

His heart thundered in his chest; his hands icy cold, clammy around the handle of his sword.

The three Yiga Foot soldiers approached her, okay, okay, this wasn’t good, no, they had Vicious Sickles, but he had the Sword That Seals The Darkness, and what better definition of darkness than the Yiga Clan, he would make it- and

Spirits

Three Yiga Blademaster’s poofed into existence beside the Foot soldiers, and together they slashed their windcleavers, aimed at his Princess’s throat.

NO.

Link jumped, sliced the first Foot Soldier in the chest, blood spurting outwards and he nimbly twisted to avoid it landing on him, and then aimed for the first Blademaster. Just before his blade hit that idiot’s neck, the other two began to laugh. The sickening Yiga Clan laugh that was so incredibly patronising, and Link was already feeling bad enough this morning and he had little patience left.

“Not so fast, Hero.” The Blademaster in the centre clicked his fingers and another three appeared behind the Princess, all of them pointing the tips of their windcleavers at her neck.

Holy Hylia. There were now 5 blades aimed at her, one of them pressed closed enough that she couldn’t swallow without fear of drawing blood. And he couldn’t bring himself to actually look at her, the one glance he’d had would forever scar him, she looked downright petrified. The sight made his blood boil, the sword glowed blue, but he had to be logical.

It wouldn’t do to attack the one whose neck was under his sword only for the other five to behead the Princess. Yes, he was fast. Yes, he was blessed with rapid reflexes. But even he recognised it would be impossible to eliminate all five without one of them harming the Princess before he finished. It would take seconds for them to nick her carotid artery, whilst he needed to slice through five necks. This would have been so much easier if she wasn’t in the middle of the fray. A simple charged sword attack aimed in the air would have exterminated the lot. He also couldn’t help but curse himself because he’d been an idiot and forgotten his bow, he hadn’t picked it up in all the rush of Zelda disappearing and now he severely regretted it. What he wouldn’t have done for a few electric arrows right now. He would have shocked the life out of them with all their metal weaponry.

“There’s too many of us, Hero, with too many swords at the ready to behead this pretty little blond thing. We only really have an issue with her Royal Holiness here, for she supposedly holds the power to seal away our God.” He laughed, “Although she isn’t that Holy, is she, eh boys?”

They all broke out into laughter, and Link decided that was the best opportunity he was going to get. He stabbed the sword into the first Yiga Blademaster’s neck, a fountain of red erupted out, just as Link shoved his body towards one of the remaining Foot Soldiers, who got trapped underneath the sheer dying bulk of the man. He rolled, pulling the Princess down so she was out of direct range of those windcleavers, and then he unceremoniously chucked her towards the opening he’d just created. She seemed to get the message and started to run, whilst he began to dance with his sword.

Move one to the jugular vein, two to the heart plus some ribs, three a large spin attack against the last Foot Soldier and three Blademasters who lunged at him, but he only belatedly realised one of them didn’t have a weapon, had they used the sickle as a boomerang? He distantly felt a muscle spasm, but that didn’t distract him, no, he ploughed through with the movement, effectively plunging the sword through the layers of skin, muscle and fat, and he leapt out of the resulting crimson blood spray that blended in with their armour. He had to admit, even if he wasn’t comfortable with the whole context of the sword and the trauma of seeing everything they had gone through, it was a beautiful blade. The best he’d ever had the honour of wielding.

His focus was shattered, suddenly, as he heard a painfully familiar scream, was it a memory or – no. That was His Zelda. He belatedly realised the last Yiga Foot soldier hadn’t remained trapped. He’d chased after the Princess and he had three darts pressed her abdomen, hard enough that she was whimpering, with his sickle wrapped around her neck, the curved edge milliseconds from ending her life. She had one hand alternating between trying to claw the mask off the Yiga’s face to ineffectively grasping at his hand wielding the sickle, the other outstretched to him, and it broke him a little.

His heart ached, his pulse thundering hard in his ears, because she was too far away for him to jump to her, too far to do anything without a damn bow. The bodies that littered the floor, and the blood that coated the sand around him weren’t enough, the one that remained would kill her, before he could do anything. Of that he had no doubt.

“Lay down your sword. And you may leave with your life. We do not care for the Hero, you’re simply a vessel for the Hero’s spirit and even if we kill you, you’ll just come back in some other lowlife’s body. We only care for the supposedly High Priestess Hylian Princess Zelda and the Sword that Seals the Darkness. Without those two, Hyrule will be blessed by Calamity Ganon’s unbridled power!”

He hesitated, and in that one second another four Yiga Blademasters appeared behind him, “DO NOTHING Hero. Remember what position your darling Princess is in.” The Foot soldier tightened his hold on Zelda and pressed the blade deeper into her skin and it cut into her neck, causing a small line of blood to leak down the blade.

That was the tipping point, Link saw red, and howled, hurling the Master Sword so that it pierced that wretched mask, straight into the bastard’s eye, and swung down with gravity to cut through his face.

And he turned around to face those remaining Yiga Blademaster’s with his bare hands, but instead he smelt the familiar incense of cool saffilina, which rang alarm bells in his head, this was used as a sleeping drought. He couldn’t do much more than gasp before a towel was rammed into his face, and he struggled against it, but suddenly the smell became so much more concentrated. He blinked, trying his hardest not to breathe, but the haze that descended on his mind regardless meant it was far, far more potent than the one he’d made for Zelda.

All of a sudden, he felt disturbingly dizzy, his legs like jelly underneath him. His eyelids abruptly felt incredibly heavy- he closed his eyes almost unwittingly, and then struggled to open them again. He barely managed to open one flimsily, and he saw vague red shapes ensnaring his Princess and all he could do was fall to the floor on his knees, shameful that he’d failed her.

She was screaming his name, and all he could do was raise a pitiful arm out to her, before he succumbed, and all he saw was black.

[nelllraiser]

severance | bea, luce, nell, & nisa (ft. rosemary and helena)

LOCATION: the council chambers of the witches of the silver flame. PARTIES: @beatrice-blaze, @divineluce, @nelllraiser, and @nisavurcl. SUMMARY: the vural sisters answer for their crimes. 

"And I will go if you ask me to. I will stay if you dare. And if I go I'm goin' on fire. Let my anger take me there"

When Clementine had come running to the coven council and Nisa about the strangeness of the Vural daughters, the matriarch had been ready to dismiss whatever was happening as one of her youngest daughter’s typical shenanigans. Certainly she wasn’t pleased, but it was hardly worth bridging to the council. But the longer Clementine had talked, the more dubious things became, and the harder the rock in Nisa’s stomach had grown. It was too elaborate of a story to be made up, and she herself knew of the animosity that August and Penelope had shared for the bulk of their life. How could Bea and Luce have gotten caught up in such things, though? They were meant to be more responsible than this. How had everything gotten so tangled when she’d only been gone for a couple of months? She waited with the other council members for her daughters to appear in the chambers. The only choice they’d had was to summon the three witches in for examination, to question them just as they would have done to any other coven member. For a long moment, Nisa had played with the concept of warning her daughters. She’d always been one to believe in facing the consequences of one’s actions, but this was a step up from that in severity. She hadn’t reached a decision, and her lack of decision had found her running out of time to warn them, thus the Vural daughters went unaware of why they were being brought forth to the council. As the three of them filed in, she cleared her throat, straightening her back in her chair to become the formidable council member she was known to be. “Beatrice Vural, Lucinda Vural, and Penelope Vural— you’ve been summoned by the Witches of the Silver Flame to answer for accused crimes that fall outside of this coven’s parameters.”

Rosemary clasped her hands tightly around the wooden arms of her chair, her eyes dark and unreadable as she stared at the girls who stood before the council. The Vural girls. She should have known that it would be them, but she’d doted on them as children. She could still remember the three of them being tutored with the other young children of the coven-- bright, studious Beatrice, quiet, moody Lucinda, and excitable, energetic Penelope. With no children of her own, she’d viewed all the young spellcasters of the coven as extensions of her own family. But, the allegations Clementine had approached the council with, talks of murder, of dark magic and necromancy? The women who stood before her were not those same children. They had gone down an unforgivable path, done unspeakable things to one of their own. A member of their coven. “You stand before this council facing the following charges: the practice of dark magic, the practice of necromancy and human resurrection, and the murder of another member of this coven, August Thompson.” Rosemary spoke, doing her best to keep her voice level and calm. Just as she remembered the Vural sisters as children, so too could she remember young August, always trying so hard to prove himself. How could they do this? How could these girls do… any of it?

When Clementine had come forward with her claims, Helena had been beyond thrilled. The Vurals had been good enough members of the Coven and she had no issues with them, but this gave her the opportunity to gain more standing on the Council. Everyone would be looking at Nisa now and if Helena was lucky, the woman would step down with grace after this scandal. Then there was room for someone new and more aligned with Helena’s thoughts to join the council. Her chin tilted upward, face stern as she looked over the woman. “We have witness testimony and evidence against you. Telling us the truth will make things much easier for you.” Helena hoped they would be too much like their mother to step down from a challenge of their pride. “How do you plead?”

Nell hadn’t seen her mother since she’d returned from Turkey, not knowing how to explain away the scars that encompassed her entire arms, nor the one that went a third of a way across her neck. Especially in conjunction with the matching one Luce had, and the one that spanned Bea’s entire neck. But it seemed that someone had done the explaining for them. Standing in front of the council on trial for their actions was not how she’d expected it to go, though. As she took in the council, a sinking stone formed swiftly in her gut, weighing her down in a way that made her push her shoulders back forcefully, as if trying to prove that she wouldn’t be defeated by it, or the witches sitting before her and her sisters. They wanted a plea, and there was really only one way this could go. The council already had the information, and there was no use in fighting it. In addition, the truth spell placed on the chambers wouldn’t permit any of them to lie. At this point, it wasn’t a matter of whether or not they’d be found out, but what their punishment would be. Maybe she could draw a good amount of the attention. Take the blame like she always had growing up. Nisa’s favorite target. So Nell stepped forward, apart from her sisters to say. “I plead guilty.”

On some level, Luce had known that their actions would come back to bite them. She hadn’t wanted to admit it, had instead taken to hiding her fears with violence and anger and lashing out with magic. Of course, that was the reason for their whole situation wasn’t it? When she’d received the summons from the coven, there had been some fear, some anxiety. But, for the most part, she’d resigned herself to her fate. Luce’s fingers brushed against the choker around her throat, covering her scar. It had served as a reminder of what she’d done. She cast dark magic, practiced necromancy, committed murder, slain another member of their coven. Even without the magic that seeped into the very walls of the council chambers, she would readily admit it to them. When Nell took a step towards the council, Luce’s eyes widened. What was she doing? Why was she doing that? Casting a glance over at Bea, Luce clenched her jaw before taking a step forward as well. “I plead guilty.”

There had been a part of Beatrice that had thought their mother might have tried harder to protect them from the Council’s wrath. She was disappointed to see that her mother only had loyalty to her daughters in small measures. She had worn an outfit her mother had once picked for her, crisp white lines of a suit that screamed look at me. Hiding her scar was the scarf Felix had gifted her. Anger simmered under her skin as she looked at each of the Council members. She stepped forward, pulling the scarf from her neck and linking hands with her sisters. “I plead guilty, but I feel no guilt for what I have done.” She pressed her lips, trying to force herself from snarling at the Council. “Were you told the whole story or just the parts that painted us badly?” She asked, rage making her voice even more ragged than what it usually was.

The scar on her daughters’ necks and arms were ugly, and not just for cosmetic reasons. Nisa’s lips tightened as the three of her daughters said the most disappointing words they’d said in their entire lives, but it was hard to weigh the council responsibilities on her shoulders against the heart of a mother, even one that was as demanding as herself. The scars were obvious marks of magic gone wrong to the trained eye, and this was magic that had gone very wrong. Her daughters could have died. One of them had died. And she’d been in Turkey. She wished she could have protected them from all this, but now it was too late. They’d made their choices, and now they’d have to deal with the consequences. She wasn’t Nisa Vural, mother of three in these moments. She was Councilwoman Nisa of the Witches of the Silver Flame. And exceptions couldn’t be made, especially for her family. “I’m sure we’ve yet to hear the whole story. We’re eager to hear the rest, and are waiting. As it stands, though— there are still crimes to be atoned for.

As Nisa began to talk, Bea’s eyes went to her mother’s. They were mirrors of each other. Bea was the spitting image of her mother and many had thought she would do great things just like the matriarch. She glared at the woman now, she didn’t want to be like her mother. Bea wouldn’t pick the coven over her family. “August paid a man to kill Nell. He was going to butcher her because of petty jealousy. Every single one of you knows how he felt about her.” Her lips pressed together as she took a moment to shove her emotions down,“I got between her and the Hunter that coward brought and I had my head cut off. I died because of the actions of August Thompson. So personally I don’t see it as murder, but rather retribution. Something we were owed.”

Rosemary flinched in her seat at Beatrice’s blunt explanation of what had occurred. Clementine had already told Nisa about what she’d overheard, but still. Little August Thompson had done such a thing? He had paid someone to take Penelope’s life? How could he have done that? She’d always known there had been friction between the two of them, but Rosemary had dismissed it as little more than the rivalry that came with youth. She looked over at Nisa, her heart breaking for the woman. Nisa was a member of the council and her daughters had flagrantly disregarded the rules and measures of the coven. They’d done unspeakable, dark magic. Shifting uncomfortably, the woman shook her head, “We are aware of the general circumstances that occured. The murder of August Thompson… that is not our primary concern.” She said, though the words hurt to say. A member of their coven, dead. Though, she supposed, there was no other way things could have gone. Beatrice, Penelope, or August, one of them would be dead regardless. “The matter of necromancy is what troubles me the most. You three know that necromancy is prohibited by the tenants of our coven and yet, you thought to exert power over forces beyond your control.” Her eyes flickered to Penelope’s arms and she swallowed, “Clearly, you are aware of the consequences of this. However, the blatant disregard for our sacred laws cannot go overlooked.”

Everything felt as if it were slipping away from Nell. The coven had always been a safe haven for her, a place to belong when the rest of the world shied or ran away from here. Part of her wanted to clutch it to her chest, and hold it tight, as if it were her last security blanket left in the world after everything had happened. But they were also wrong. Her mother’s detached words weren’t a surprise. Nisa had always been big on punishment, especially when it came to the coven and her youngest daughter. Now it seemed she was finally extending it to Luce and Bea as well. But would she have been harsher if it were just Nell on trial? It was something the young witch couldn’t help but wonder. “If we’re talking about blatant disregard for sacred laws, is it not the most sacred of laws that we look after one another, that we protect our sisters in both magic and blood? Bea was doing just that, and Luce and I did it for her in return by bringing her back from death. Are we really going to be punished for going to the ends of the Earth for another witch and our family? Weren’t you the ones who taught us to do that?”

Helena could laugh, they were making it easy for her to spin all of this. She tutted at Penelope,“You went behind the Coven’s back to perform magic that goes against the Coven’s rules. If you had come to us, perhaps this would be different.” She glanced over to Nisa with a faux pitying look,“After all your mother did to drag her family name from the dirt where her mother left it, you go and betray her and our trust. It seems like this type of behavior runs in the family.” Idly, she flipped a few pages in her notes. “Now, you say that August did this because of ‘petty jealousy’. However, we have multiple witnesses who claim to have seen August in pain at Beltane and Penelope and Lucinda Vural dragged him away from the scene. Doesn’t seem a little odd to anyone else?”

As both of her sisters argued against the council, Luce’s lips pressed together into a thin line. Rosemary had a point-- they’d gone against the laws of the coven and while she didn’t just want to lie down and just accept what was happening, there wasn’t any way to get around what they’d done. But, Helena’s words had her frowning, the words slipping from her mouth before she could stop herself. “‘If we’d come to you?’ You’re seriously trying to say that you would have just signed off on us bringing back Bea? We all know that’s a load of-- that’d never happen.” She caught herself as anger burned in the pit of her stomach. “Don’t you bring our grandmother into this. That has nothing to do with what’s being discussed here..” She glared at Helena. Bitch. She’d never liked Helena and even less so now. 

Nisa’s eyes flashed towards Helena, the witch having hit the sorest of spots when it came to her family and history. She was right. Nisa had worked hard to continue to build on the family legacy her mother had tried to tarnish by dabbling with demons. But she knew better than to think that Helena was bringing it up for any productive reasons. “Yes— well, I wouldn’t expect you to understand what it is to uphold and grow a family legacy, Helena.” The Matsdotter family was relatively young in comparison to the Vurals and some of the other witch families, yet to have a place on the coven council until Helena had come along. “Thankfully, Lucinda is correct in saying that the crimes of the past are, indeed, past.” But there was some truth in the other parts of Helena’s words. What had antagonised August? “There is still a piece of the puzzle missing, though. Why did August feel the need to hire a killer?” She looked each of her daughters’ directly in the eyes, showing no mercy when it came to needings answers. “As for what this council may or may not have done in the face of Beatrice’s death, we can’t possibly assume anything one way or the other. For we weren’t given the chance to pass judgement.”

An amused smirk grew on Bea’s lips as Helena spoke to their mother, though she quickly schooled her face. She had expected the Council to act like adults and yet here they were, digging into past issues. “Because he was a cowardly man who realized he would have no chance against Nell? He was a mediocre spellcaster at best and Nell is one of the better in the Coven.” She couldn’t help the snort that came out then, “We all know what would have been done. I would be condemned to rotting in the ground because you all would have never allowed for them to learn my craft.” She had pulled away from the coven for many reasons, but this right here was one them. She never wanted to face people who refused to learn that there was beauty in necromancy. “No one trusts this Coven to do what’s right when it comes to things of this nature. So we have to do them behind your back. You all would rather stay in the past than to see why what we did was good and just.”

Though Rosemary hardly liked drudging up the unpleasantries of the past, Helena brought up a fair point-- this behavior, going against the ways of the coven, taking matters into their own hands, practicing dangerous magic were all hallmark traits of Nisa’s mother. And these girls seemed to have inherited that desire to test the limits of what could be done. Or rather, what should be done. At this point, what alarmed her was how blatant they had been with their practices. It seemed as though the girls hadn’t even attempted to hide what they’d done. That sort of thing was sure to attract attention, from the wrong kinds of people. People who would seek to harm the coven. “Penelope, do not cite the ties of family to me-- this coven is my family. And the laws exist for that precise reason, to protect us all from harm. What you did, it could attract unwanted attention. By practicing this magic, you endanger not only yourselves, but the rest of the coven.” She said, her voice trembling with worry. “How dare you insult this coven, Beatrice. Nature has laws, magic has laws that must be abided by. Your very presence is... “ She swallowed, “Unnatural.”

“Well you’re not acting as if it’s your family,” Nell retorted hotly before listening to the rest of Rosemary’s words. Not even her mother was acting like family in these moments. Family would fight for one another, just as Bea and Luce and Nell had fought for each other. It shouldn't hurt. Not after all these years of similar treatment. Nell had expected as much, but foresight couldn’t help her when it came to saving her from the twist of Nisa’s distanced knife. As the council member carried on, she wondered if there was perhaps the smallest grain of truth in the older woman’s words. Would outside forces try and bring harm to the coven for what the girls had done? But no. Certainly there were other ways. “There wouldn’t even be any unwanted attention if it wasn’t brought to light! Who’s going to tell people? I sure won’t. The only reason there’d be any danger would be from the council telling people about it.” Still, what if people did come after her sisters? If they somehow stayed in the coven, would that make the two of them safer? She had one more card to play— didn’t she? Something that could hopefully distract from what Luce and Bea had done. “August wanted to kill me because I stole his memories. Took them after he caught me summoning a demon. He was going to out me to the council, but I stopped him. I guess I take after my grandmother Suna more than we thought. So really, this was all my fault.” Let the blame fall to her.

Being scolded wasn’t unexpected and Helena could deal with the ire of Nisa. All she wanted to do was remind those on the council that Nisa’s blood sang with issues. With this blow to her reputation, perhaps it would be easier to start sowing distrust in the other council members. “You three have brought unnecessary danger to our coven. You were selfish and went against everything we have taught you. You children turned your backs on the people who raised you.” Helena regarded Nell with a cold look,“You admit to more crimes then? I suppose we should discuss punishment.” Helena turned to look at her fellow council members, before looking forward to the guilty. “You have admitted to murder and breaking our most sacred rules. You have become things unnatural and have hurt the cycle of the universe by doing so. Some of the council members would not be opposed to sacrificing your lives to bring order again. Others wish to be lenient and simply excommunicate you from the coven.”

Luce resisted the urge to groan when Nell stepped forward, telling them about the demon summoning, the circumstances surrounding why they’d been involved with August in the first place. They weren’t on trial for any of that, they weren’t being asked about it. Why the fuck had she brought it up? Before Luce could intervene, Helena spoke of… sacrificing their lives? Her eyes widened and she stared, first at Helena, then to their mother. She knew that the coven would deliver punishment for what they’d done, but-- death? That was what was on the table here? How could the council even consider that. “Who on the council wants to sacrifice our lives to the great order of things, Helena?” Luce snapped, leveling the woman with a searing glare. “A life for a life, equivalent exchange-- yes. We sacrificed August, but it never would have happened if he hadn’t attempted to-- no, if he hadn’t killed Bea. She’s only here because we intervened. Because the council would have never helped us and would have never punished him for what he’d done.” Her hands shook with anger at her sides, but she held herself tall, proud. The coven… they couldn’t kill them. They couldn’t. 

For a small moment, utter shock had paralyzed Nisa. Demons as well? Had she failed her daughters so miserably that they were repeating the sins of her mother and more? Where had she gone so miserably wrong that all three of her children had even brushed against the illegal practices of the coven? Had she not hammered into each and every one of their heads how important family was? How they needed to protect one another and hold the family name in high esteem? Perhaps she’d taught them a little too well— to the point where they were willing to save their sister’s life over all else. And if she’d been given the chance to save her brother, killed by that Miriam bitch all those years ago...would she have done it if it meant throwing away everything she’d worked to build back after the shaming and excommunication of her own mother? But breaking through the anger and shame of these thoughts was the mention of death. To kill her three daughters? The little girls she’d raised from diapers, and cleaned the scrapes of? To watch them fall? It was unthinkable. She’d spent her entire life trying to steer them right, cornering them into protective and approved spaces where they wouldn’t be hurt. “We’ve never made ourselves a coven that doles out death, and I don’t anticipate we’ll start now,” her tone was steely and cold, the protectiveness of a mother finally peeking through. “Playing with death is one of the very reasons necromancy is banned, and why these three women are on trial now. To dabble in it would make us hypocrites.”

Bea’s shoulders grew tense as she heard the words sacrifice and without even meaning, she looked toward her mother. Nisa wouldn’t allow that. She wouldn’t make her die twice. Bea’s jaw clenched, she refused to cry at the prospect of death, not in front of these people. They would take that as a sign weakness and Bea couldn’t afford to be weak here. Her shoulders sagged ever so slightly as her mother spoke against the penalty of death. Her mouth was dry, but she spoke anyway. “I take then we’re excommunicated and not allowed to contact those in the Coven? Or use your resources?” Bea might have distanced herself but she still had friends there. Her grandmother was still there and Bea loved her grandmother. Her parents were there and even though she was angry and disappointed in them, the isolation this punishment would give her made her throat tight. They would miss out on so many moments in her life and her sisters’ lives. Guilt pooled in her stomach. Bringing her back now meant the loss of their family. She straightened her back. They were deciding this. It wasn’t as though she had chosen to die. Their parents were deciding to leave them behind, she could live with their decision, even if it stung as badly as the blade that had taken her life. 

Rosemary’s breath caught in the back of her throat when Helena said those words-- there had been murmurs of bringing the girls to justice, of meting out punishment in order to demonstrate what became of those who attempted to fight against the natural order of things. And, their crimes, their crimes. Demon summoning, necromancy, murder, violence within the coven? Such things would attract so much attention to the coven. People would notice, people were bound to talk. And what then? What fate would befall them all? Helena’s methods were brutal, but punishment… it needed to be delivered. And the girls, though she loved them dearly, were far too dangerous to be affiliated with the coven of the Silver Flame. At Bea’s words, her lips pressed together in a thin line. “I hope you all understand that I take no joy in this. But, yes. It is far too dangerous, for all of us, for you to remain within our coven. We cannot extend our protection to those who would bring harm to the very community they are a part of.” Looking around at the other members, she spoke in a clear voice, “I vote for excommunication. Council?”

In the span of a short moment, death as a sentence had come and gone. If she’d blinked, Nell might have missed the entire interaction. Still, she had felt her magic pool in her gut. If the council had been set on killing her and her sisters, she would have been ready to fight, to tear their way out of here and never look back, or at least try not to. Things of the past often had a way of making themselves unforgettable. As it stood, the council had begun to vote, and that familiar sense of powerlessness began to creep along Nell’s neck. They wouldn’t take the coven away from her. They couldn’t. Even if it was full of rules she broke, and council members of hypocrites, that wasn’t all this place was. The coven was her home, her literal family with the Vurals making up a good chunk of it, a place she’d always been able to be herself when there was nowhere else in the world she’d been able to do that. And now it was going to be ripped away? Just like that? It’d be taken from her sisters, too. Control was slipping out of their grasps along with the coven, and Nell tried vainly to grab the fraying ends of it, to tie a knot on the last of the rope. She turned to face her mother. “Do something! Can’t you just do something for once? Be on our side for two fucking seconds?!”

Nisa’s youngest daughter’s pleading voice fell on hard ears, though they weren’t entirely deaf. “I did so something, Penelope. I told you time and time again what would happen if you continued down this path, and now your sisters are on it as well.” There was only one way for them to learn, wasn’t there? They wouldn’t realize the error of their ways until they hit rock bottom. So if it was tough love they needed as a teacher, it was what they would get. Taking the time to make eye contact with each of her children, she simply said, “Let this be a lesson.” It would be as hard for her as it was for them. Then she turned to the council, her shoulders having never moved from their steeled position. “I cast my vote for excommunication.”

Bea stepped forward, grabbing Nell’s hand, trying to tug her back. She turned to glare at Nisa, rage rolling off of her as she stared her mother down. “This path was my own and I took them down it. I taught them necromancy. This isn’t Nell’s fault.” Stepping forward, Bea pointed at Nisa, hand shaking with anger as her voice raised. “This is your fault. You have blamed Nell since she was a child. You ignored Luce. You were a bad mother! You were fucking blind to what any of us needed unless it fit what you wanted! That’s what put us on this path.” She lowered her hand, head shaking,“I wanted to be you, Nisa,” She pronounced her mother’s name sharply. She would never call that woman Mama again. “I’m disappointed that you’ve picked a coven over your children. I hope they’re as loyal to you as you are to them.”

Death seemed almost preferable to excommunication as Luce heard her mother cast her vote against them. They were being thrown out, tossed aside, abandoned by the only people who could ever understand their struggles. Had she done terrible things? Yes. There was no denying that. And she had known there would be a price to pay. But she had tricked herself into believing that their mother would never turn her back on them, would never choose the coven over them. And now, reality was staring her hard in the face. "We are exactly the women you raised, Mother. Nothing more and nothing less than that! We did what we knew was right, what you taught us was right!" Luce yelled before shaking her head. But, she knew their fates were sealed.

Nell was crumbling in a way only her mother could cause, the rockfall known as Nisa Vural taking no prisoners as she barreled through the three of them. She recognized Bea and Luce’s anger, had experienced it herself for years growing up when faced with the injustices of their mother. She still felt it even now, boiling down beneath her broken heart as their mother laid down her verdict. It’d taken her far too long to learn that chasing after her mother’s approval was a fool’s game, and now her sisters would have to realize it for themselves. “She’s not worth it,” she said in a trembling voice, linking hands with her sisters to pull them towards the doors of the chambers. It was time to go. “She’s not fucking worth us. We’re better off without her.” Maybe if she said it aloud to her sisters, she’d believe it was true. Nell had told herself long ago that she wouldn’t let her mother break her heart anymore, that she wouldn’t let Nisa Vural have any power over her and the way she felt. But no matter how many times she’d whispered the words to herself, a part of her still struggled to make them true. “We don’t need them. We don’t. We’ve got what we need right here,” she said with a squeeze against her sisters’ hands. But it was hard to believe what she was saying when an errant tear was sneaking down her cheek. “We’ll show them,” she finished hotly, refusing to address the way her chest felt like it’d been cleaved in two. Replace it with anger and empty spaces and move on.

The only phrase that could describe Helena in this moment was ‘cat got the cream’. Watching the almighty Vural family crumble in front of her was absolutely amazing. How amusing to see them go after each other over and over again. “I cast my vote for excommunication.” The other two members echoed her cast and she looked towards the former Coven members. “You have been officially excommunicated for the crimes you committed against the Witches of the Silver Flame. You can not seek protection from our coven, you can not use our resources, and you can not reach out for assistance. Current members of the coven will not speak to you or risk receiving punishment themselves. You have made your bed, now you must lie in it. Good luck without us, darlings.”

[my-healing-journey]

So. I have sole custody of our 2 kids, which means that I’m responsible for making all of the big decisions (medical, educational, religious, etc.) and I do not need to have Jake’s approval before making said decisions. Jake has visitation with our kids twice per month on weekends, plus spring break, half of winter break, and two consecutive weeks in the summer (twice over).

He had the kids for spring break. I needed a break from the kids - I wanted to get my house sparkling clean, declutter, reorganize, etc. - but I couldn’t stop feeling anxious. The kids didn’t want to see Jake. They begged and pleaded with me to not see their dad. They wanted to stay home with me. They were angry with me for taking them to see their dad.

Here’s the thing, though - if I don’t take them to see their dad, he can sue me in court and then the kids can possibly be taken away from me. I have to deliver them to him for short visits every so often, otherwise I risk having to deliver them into his hands permanently, and that eats me up inside. They’re children. They shouldn’t have to be delivered to him at all.

Spring break came and went. I was a workaholic all week. I missed my kids fiercely. Tried to clean the house, wasn’t successful, and wound up hiring someone to come in and do the bulk of it for me. I worked 13+ hour days, binged The Last Kids on Earth (since my kids like the show), cried a bit, continued to miss them, got a massage, and tried to make my executively dysfunctioning brain do things. I felt anxious all week. Jake only let the kids call me on Wednesday (yes it goes against the parenting plan for him to limit their communication with me, but still).

It was around 6pm or so when the kids called me that Wednesday. I was still in the office, trying to wrap up some paperwork. My oldest went off into some room of the apartment where his dad was not present, as is typical for him, and then told me that he was angry at me because Dad had promised to take them bowling, but now didn’t have the money to do so because he ran out since he has to pay me every month. My head spun. WTAF? Before I could think of what to say, my child then said something along the lines of, “Dad said that if you saved all of your money, you’d have $6,000 per month and $70,000 in a year, but he only gets $1,800 per month, and he pays you $600 of that.” I asked my child, “Do you know why Dad pays me?” Child said no. I replied with, “That’s how he helps take care of you and your brother. That’s what good dads should do, right? Help take care of their kids?” His attitude turned around as he said “Hmm. Yeah.”

Then he told me that his dad disagrees with my oldest’s ADHD diagnosis and has convinced my kid that the medicine he’s been taking for ADHD is messing with his brain and he should stop. Child then passed the phone to Dad, who told me that he was concerned because my oldest child is forgetful.

Me: He’s always been forgetful.

Jake: But it seems really dramatic.

Me: He doesn’t live with you all the time; you usually just see him on weekends. His forgetfulness has been pretty bad. The medication he’s been taking has really helped him a lot. He’s gone from struggling with simple math concepts, with tears and frustration and tantrums, to being able to complete his homework on his own within 10 minutes. It’s a night and day difference.

Jake: Forgetfulness isn’t a symptom of ADHD, though. I know, I work with kids who—

Me: Forgetfulness is a classic symptom of ADHD, Jake. Along with voice volume control issues, stimming, and angry outbursts. Ryan has all of those symptoms, and he’s been diagnosed by two separate doctors as having ADHD.

Jake: I’m just saying, he didn’t use to be this forgetful.

Me: And I’m telling you that he’s always been forgetful, ever since he was a toddler, and the medication makes him less so. We have an appointment with his psychiatrist next Thursday; I’ll bring up your concerns with her then.

Jake then handed the phone to my youngest, who ran into a different room and just burst into tears and said he wanted to come home. I asked him if something had happened, and he said he didn’t want to talk about it. Y’all. My heart aches just thinking about it.

The kids came back home on Sunday at the end of spring break, and they were both in an agitated state of mind. My oldest proceeded to yell at me in the car on the way home. My youngest was quiet and withdrawn. My oldest told me that Dad put him on a diet, and ate cookies in front of him with his brother. He explained that Dad is pitting one child against the other, and my poor truth-telling oldest child bears the brunt of Dad’s annoyance and anger. Dad called him names and made fun of his clothes. Among a litany of other things.

My oldest is nine years old. 9. NINE.

I’m still so angry about all of this that I just. I want to scream and punch things.

Who puts a nine-year-old on a diet?! And who pits one kid vs the other and encourages antagonistic behavior?! Where does he get off thinking that it’s appropriate to tell my child to stop taking his medication, and blaming all of his financial problems on me?! Since when is it appropriate for him to talk about things like child support with THAT MUCH specificity and a negative light?! Since when is it okay for him to call my children names and put them down?!

...right. He’s a narcissist, Aerin. This is what he does. This is his whole fucking thing. To stir up drama and bad emotions, and then lord over all those in his life for having negative emotions.

I want him to go away and leave us alone. Forever. Just. Disappear and leave us be. The anxiety and the tension has been running at ridiculously high levels in our home for the past couple of months. He’d seemed to be doing pretty okay, and then all of a sudden he’s just. Decided he was bored with behaving politely, apparently.

My kids’ therapist has reported him to CPS 3x just this year thus far, and it’s only April.

Another incident happened during his last visit with my kids, a more physical one which I don’t want to write about right now because the emotions are still very raw and there’s so much anger and hurt. Suffice it to say, that resulted in yet another CPS report, a consultation with my attorney, multiple discussions with my children’s therapist, and I may very well be authorizing my attorney to file an emergency motion with the court in order to try and slap an immediate injunction onto Jake’s parenting time, pending a full psych evaluation.

This has got to stop. It has to stop.

I just want him to go away forever and leave us alone.

I feel like I’ve moved 1,000 steps forward, only to suddenly be pulled 600 steps backward. All that healing I thought I’d done feels like it’s gone again. Maybe not all of it. I no longer mourn my failed relationship. I feel quite indifferent toward Jake and whatever personal life he may have going on now. But the trauma has come back. Anxiety sits in my chest and in my throat, it’s been there for the past several weeks, and I’m just. I’m constantly near tears. I can’t sleep. I’m so frustrated that this is happening. Frustrated with Jake, frustrated that he just won’t change his ways, frustrated at the hurt he is purposely inflicting upon our children, and frustrated at myself for spiraling again. WTH. I thought I was past what he’d done to me. I thought I had healed. I was dating other men, I felt like my head was on straight again, and now I’m back to feeling unprepared for another relationship (something that I want so so badly), I feel like a giant mess of scattered puzzle pieces which had been mostly put together and then upended by a spiteful toddler. How am I supposed to move forward? Is this just going to keep happening over and over and over again? Will it never get better?

Go away, Jake. Do us all a favor and leave us alone. Ghost us. Never come for us again. Please. Do just one single good thing in your life and leave us alone.

Let us move on.

[milomeepit]

Diamond In The Rough: Chapter Ten

Roman has always wanted better. Has always believed that there’s a better life, a better world, just out of reach. Just beyond the veil of shitty teachers who don’t care, angry classmates that scream insults and slurs at each other all day, and drug-hazed parents who are more concerned with their next hit than looking after their ten year old son.

When he runs away after a particularly bad night at home and finds a quiet little cafe/bookstore tucked away in a back alley of the city, the sweet couple who run the joint (an odd pair; a quiet, gloomy man with a wry sense of humour and a cynical gleam in his eye, and a bouncy man who smiles like sunshine and laughs like a storybook king) help show him that maybe- just maybe- he really can have the life he always dreamed of.

Masterpost (to be added soon!)

Word Count: 1338

Chapter Warnings: food, stranger danger v2, daydreaming, anxiety, foster care mention, parent abuse mention, yelling (mostly from Roman), crying (also mostly from Roman)

Roman drummed his fingers on the tabletop of his usual table near the counter as he watched Virgil flit around the room, offering refills and recommending books to customers as they wandered around the cafe. He sipped his own drink, a tall glass filled to the brim with a frothy, sweet hot chocolate, and grinned. Virgil deftly stepped over a spilled drink, snatched the mop from the corner and wiped the floor clean on his next pass without ever missing a beat. Roman still wondered sometimes if Virgil really was a fae of some sort. He was so... graceful.

The front door slammed shut, and a tall man appeared at the top of the stairs. Roman had seen him around the cafe quite a few times, he seemed to be a regular. Patton and Virgil would usually sit with him and chat for a few minutes, and then return to their usual flow of running the cafe. Roman tried to remember his name. Liam? Landon?

"Heya, Logan!" Patton greeted him cheerfully from behind the counter.

Ah. So close, and yet so far, Roman mused as he took another bite of his sandwich.

"Hello, Patton. Would I be able to speak with you and Virgil? Privately?" Logan asked quietly. "It's quite important."

"Well, of course! V, hon, can you come here for a minute?" Patton called, making the taller man pause in his rhythmic pattern and look towards them.

"Yeah, coming," Virgil responded. He ruffled Roman's hair affectionately as he passed.

Roman noticed Logan watching the brief interaction closely, and felt a shiver run through him at the stony expression on his face. Something felt wrong, but he was sure Virgil and Patton would sort it out. They seemed like they could solve any problem the world threw their way.

He sighed dreamily as they disappeared into the kitchen, his mind already wandering to a pleasant daydream. His parents had always waved him away if he asked for help with homework, but he was sure that Virgil and Patton would be able to help if he ever had difficult homework.

Patton was really quite clever when it came to history, Roman had learned. He enjoyed watching programs where people dug up pots and bones and old houses, often talking to Virgil about the significance of the items discovered, and Roman listened intently. Virgil, meanwhile, was incredibly quick at math, rattling off customer's totals without batting an eyelid, or helping Patton figure out how much of this or that he needed to make bulk batches of food.

This, of course, only further fueled Roman's theory that the two of them had stepped off the pages of a fairy tale. Any issue thrown their way would be quickly conquered by their combined might! He giggled quietly to himself as he imagined Virgil fighting a dragon, big and bristling as it swiped at him. It would be no match for him, naturally, and he would quickly fell the foul beast, rescuing the kidnapped victim- Roman- and sweeping him into a tight hug.

He was distracted from his wandering thoughts by the chair across from him being pulled out. “Hi, Vir-” He froze as he looked up, seeing the brown eyes and angular face of the dragon Logan staring back at him. “... Oh. It’s you.”

“Hello, there, Roman,” Logan greeted him pleasantly. “How are you going today?” He clasped his hands together on the table and smiled.

Roman looked around for Patton or Virgil, but neither of them were visible. They must still be in the kitchen, he realized as he turned back to Logan. “Um... good. How are you?” He asked hesitantly.

“I’m quite well, thank you. Do you mind if we talk for a bit?” Logan stared at him evenly, and Roman shrank back in his seat.

“Uh, I-I guess,” He mumbled as he grabbed his hot chocolate and drank from it. His gaze dropped to the table, unwilling to meet his eyes. “What about?”

“Well, I wanted to ask how you know Virgil and Patton.”

Roman’s stomach dropped. “... Why should I tell you? Who even are you, anyway?” He snapped.

“Well, my name is Logan Kennard. I’m a social worker, one who works with children in...” He paused for a moment. “... Less than ideal circumstances. I know a bit about you, and I know you’re a long way from home, Roman. I wanted to ask you what was happening before we do anything about the whole... situation.”

“Don’t get them in trouble!” Roman blurted out loudly. He clapped his hands over his mouth as several customers glanced over at them at his outburst, his face red.

Logan raised an eyebrow, waiting for him to continue.

“They, um, they haven’t done anything bad!” Roman insisted in a softer voice. “I... they helped me. I didn’t have anywhere to stay, and they let me come to the cafe, and-and then Virgil came and found me after I ran away, and he talked to me, and they offered, and I wanted to go with them. They didn’t take me or anything bad like that. They’re really nice, I promise!”

Logan nodded, scribbling into a small notebook. “Right.” He snapped it closed and set it down on the table. He leaned forward a little, his expression softening. “Roman, you know they should have called the police, right? People can’t just take in kids off the street, there are rules about this kind of thing.”

“Yeah, I know,” He mumbled. “But they’re really, really nice. And I really like them.”

“I know. But you can’t stay with them.” Logan drummed his fingers on the table lightly. “Why are you out here, anyway? Your parents must be worried about you.”

They wouldn’t be. “I ran away,” Roman shrugged, curling in on himself again. “I didn’t want to be there anymore.”

“... Are your parents abusive to you?” Logan asked, his voice softer than Roman had ever heard it.

Well, they didn’t hit him or anything, and that’s what abuse was, right? He’d seen it on TV shows that his mother watched, crime shows with angry husbands and terrified wives and brooding detectives. “No,” He shrugged. “I just... don’t like it.”

Logan sat back and looked at him. His gaze was sharp and appraising, and Roman squirmed under the weight of it. It was a few uncomfortable seconds before he spoke again. “Well then, Roman, we need to send you home.”

The lump in his throat solidified into a rock in his stomach. “W-what?” He stuttered. “Back to my parents?”

Logan nodded. “If there’s problems once you get settled back in, we’ll be able to look at you being placed into foster care and finding a better home for you.” He picked up the notebook and started to stand.

Roman jumped to his feet, ignoring the tears forming in his eyes, and shouted as he swatted at Logan’s chest. “I don’t want to go back! I want to stay! You stupid-!”

A pair of strong arms wrapped around him, pinning his arms to his sides, and he shrieked, starting to cry as Patton appeared in front of him, shushing him and stroking his hair. “It’s okay, kid, everything’s gonna be okay,” Virgil murmured in his ear from behind him.

Logan watched them, his expression unreadable, and Roman hated him for it. He hated his round glasses and his cold eyes, hated his notebook and his straight shoulders and stupid tie. Why couldn’t he just listen? He was as bad as everyone else Roman had met, not like Patton and Virgil.

He stifled another sob as Virgil scooped him up, holding him close as Roman trembled. “Come on, buddy, let’s go back to the apartment,” He said softly.

“But-but what about the cafe?” Roman whimpered. “It’s only lunchtime.”

“Patton can close up and follow us home later. We need to go grab your stuff.”

“But, I don’t-!”

“I know, bud.” Virgil shook his head, already striding across the cafe towards the staircase, a frown on his face. “I know.”

[dontdoitluke]

We Could Be Heroes - Ch 5

Sky High AU, but instead, it’s a superhero University.

Summary: First aid class proves to be much more complicated than what’s expected, a self proclaimed princess is knocked down a peg or two, and Michael is being suspicious.

Chapter: 5/?

Word Count: 3,132

CHAPTER INDEX

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The university had decided to add a required class on first aid to their curriculum. Sky High and S.A.V.E.U. had been training heroes for decades and the higher ups had only just now decided that first aid was necessary to a school made for people who are meant to rescue others.

Ashton thought it would be a good idea if everyone in their group went together since the impromptu first class was more like an open workshop. Most of the group knew there was deeper meaning behind that, regardless of the reasoning that he gave. He was convinced that he was only good for destruction and demolition. He wanted to learn how to heal, but he was afraid that he wouldn’t be able to control his anxieties about the subject without his closest friends nearby.

They were the bulk of the class sitting in the metal chairs, but aside from them, there were only six other students. An elderly woman who appeared to be sleeping sat at a folding table while her jade-haired assistant gathered white three ring binders in her arms and moved to the front of the waiting students.

“Hello everyone. Thanks for coming to our first session. I just wanna apologize on behalf of the school for not having a legit classroom setting yet, because sitting on those chairs for almost an hour is gonna be about as comfortable as sitting on a pile of rocks.” Most students nodded and chuckled while shifting in their seats at that.

“I’m Persephone Quinn, but you can just call me Persey. This sleeping beauty is Professor Ko’zabah. She’s agreed to let me take over the class for this semester to earn internship credits. I’m gonna be real with you, that’s probably best for all of us involved. Also, I don’t like to waste time with unnecessary bullshit, so I’m gonna give y’all these binders and... uh, yeah. Let’s get crackin’. Take one and pass it around, please.”

Persey handed the stack of folders to Calum, who was nearest to her, and moved to the table at the front and perched herself on top of it to wait until everyone had a folder of their own.  

“These are just some one-inch binders for you guys to keep your stuff in, but I already added the syllabus and some paper and dividers so that you don’t have to worry about it yourselves. The first page is just like a run-through of exactly how hands-on this class is g-”

“Excuse me, but I just have to ask something really quick.”

Persey and the rest of the class irritably turned toward the asker. It was the same pretentious red headed girl who always had something to say in every one of her classes. Jenna groaned loudly while pulling her water bottle out of her backpack, preparing to shut her up if needed.

“Uh... yeah, okay, what is it?”

“So, you’re telling me that this class is going to be taught by someone who isn’t even qualified to be a teacher?”

Persey hopped down off of the table and stared daggers at the girl, who just leaned back in her chair nonchalantly, waiting for her answer.

“I don��t believe I caught your name.”

“Cherice Alistair, Montgomery Alistair’s daughter.”

“Am I supposed to know who that is, Sharon?”

“It’s Cherice. And everyone who’s anyone knows who he is.”

“Guess that says a lot about me, then, doesn’t it, Shirley? And... what exactly makes you think I’m not qualified to be a teacher? Do you think you could do a better job? Or would you rather we wake up Madam Snores-A-Lot so that we can read medical journals instead of actually learning how to deal with real issues?”

“It’s CHERICE. And I mean, what is there to learn? My father, since you don’t seem to know, is the guy who owns the Alistair Regional Hospital, and he could teach me everything there is to know in, like, less than a day. It’s literally just first aid. Any idiot could tell you how to put on a bandaid. It’s not that hard, and it’s not that much to learn.”

Inhaling deeply, Persey put her palms together and closed her eyes. She held her breath for a few seconds before exhaling slowly. The rest of the class was dead silent; most of them tried to stay out of it and busied themselves with reading through the syllabus, and Jenna slowly put her water bottle back into her bag and watched the two carefully. Michelle tapped Luke’s knee and directed her thoughts toward him.

“Daddy’s girl is about to fucking get it.”

Persey cleared her throat and opened her eyes, smiling sweetly at her smug student.

“Okay. So, what do you do when you find a victim of a bank robbery with a bullet wound in their leg?”

Cherice scoffed and shrugged her shoulders. “Easy. Apply pressure to stop the bleeding.”

“And what else?”

“You wait until the bleeding stops, then wrap it up.”

“What do you do before all of that?”

“Uh... I’m pretty sure that’s it.”

“What do you even wrap it with?”

Papa’s pride and joy was beginning to get nervous. She flexed her fingers and fidgeted with a button on her shirt.  

“Ace bandage?”

“What’s the first thing you do when you find someone that’s been stabbed in the chest?”

“What are y-”

“And what do you do when you’re cutting into, I don’t know, a mango, and you accidentally slice your thumb off? What’s the first step you take, Debra?”

“Okay, that’s not even close to my name, I-”

“Let me guess? Apply pressure? What do you do when you find someone who’s got severe burns all over their body? How do you identify what kind of burns they are? What do you do when a villain with acidic spit licks your arm and your skin is corroding? What do you do when you find the survivor of an earthquake staked to the ground with a steel support beam sticking out of their gut?”

Cherice turned bright red and huffed in anger, averting her eyes toward the floor.

“First aid is not just about applying pressure. What are you gonna do, finish capturing the criminal while applying pressure to the injured? Most of us don’t have powers that allow that. You need to learn how to quickly create a durable makeshift tourniquet with nothing around you but the clothes on your back. You need to know when a person should NOT have a knife removed from their body. You need to know the difference between hypovolemic shock and septic shock, and you need to know the symptoms of dehydration, hypothermia, and hyperthermia as well as remember how to treat them. And this isn’t just basic first aid, honey. This is HERO first aid. You’re in this school to learn how to save the world. You’re gonna have to deal with extreme situations. If you don’t wanna find out what to do in extreme situations, you’re more than welcome to hit the road. And if you haven’t figured it out by now, I really don’t like being interrupted, so I recommend that you don’t do that shit again.”

The students tried, and failed, to cover their giggles. Most professors and even most of the student body just went along with Cherice’s antics, since her father had a finger in pretty much every pie and could easily ruin someone’s reputation with a simple flick of his checkbook. Cherice was mortified and her eyes brimmed with furious tears as she stood, throwing her binder to the ground.  

“You’re gonna regret pissing me off like that.”

Persey grinned and clapped her hands together with every word she spoke. “Come at me, bitch. I. Dare. You.”

The self-proclaimed Princess stormed out of the room, slamming the door with one hand and furiously typing on her phone with the other. Persey, however, simply took off her cardigan and draped it over Professor Ko’zabah’s still sleeping figure while moving on with the lesson.

“So anyway, as I was saying... what was I saying?”

“You were talking about the first page of the syllabus,” Michael reminded while adjusting his headphones.  

“Right, okay, so yeah, you heard a lot of it when I was sassing Sheldon a second ago, but I’m gonna say it again because I feel like it. This isn’t basic grade school first aid. Someone’s gonna get yeeted out of a window and you’re gonna have to know what to do with their injuries.”

Throughout the rest of the lecture, Ashton drank in every word that Persey spoke. He wrote down as many notes as he could and listened harder than anyone else in the room; he wanted so badly to help people, even if he couldn’t use his power to do so. Everyone seemed to have a first aid use for their power, Jenna can remove liquids from a drowning person’s lungs, Michael can listen for irregular heartbeats or breathing issues, and Persey suggested that Calum could even digest deadly parasites and disease cells to prevent them from spreading. Ashton, however, felt like he couldn’t do anything except make buildings crumble.  

“Once we get, like, an actual classroom, you guys are each gonna get a personalized first aid kit. It’s gonna have the basic shit in it, like bandages, alcohol pads, stuff like that, but it’ll also contain equipment and supplies that cater to your specific powers,” Persey continued gleefully. “I’m so excited about this, y’all have no idea. I’m not gonna get too far into it right now but trust me, it’s gonna be great. For example, Calum, we just mentioned that you could digest parasites, right?”

Calum turned a pale shade of green and nodded slowly. “Unfortunately.”

“I’m not a parasite, you could just swallow me instead.”

“Val please, I’m queasy enough already.”

Persey tried desperately to ignore the interaction and cleared her throat. “Well, your kit could possibly contain something like capsules to trap the little assholes in so that they don’t, like, cling to your insides on the way down and hurt you.”

Calum closed his eyes and squeezed his lips together tightly. “Why couldn’t I have been born with super strength or something?”

“Fate gave you this power, just like fate gave me mine,” Val argued. “We were meant to be together.”

“I think I’m gonna fucking vomit.”

“Actually,” Persey interjected. “With the shrinking and digesting, that could work well together. Val can shrink down and trap the parasite or whatever it happens to be, and Calum can dispose of it.”

Emma raised her hand. “What about mine? I’m a shifter, how could I use that?”

“Some animals have heightened senses, right? You can possibly diagnose problems that aren’t easily seen. That... holy shit, guys, I just got the best idea. I’m gonna give y’all some homework.”

The class collectively groaned, but Persey held up her hands in defense. “Hold on, hear me out, this is gonna be awesome. I want you guys to think about how you could use your powers in a first aid situation. Come up with as many scenarios as you can, it can be as simple or as complex as you want. You don’t have to write an essay, because fuck that noise, just like, take a note in your phone or write it in your binders or something and bring it with you the next time you come in. Oh, and if you could, fill out the contact cards in the back of your binders for me and bring them up here on your way out, please.”

Ashton sunk lower in his chair and chewed on his thumb nail. This was what he was dreading; he had anxiety attacks relatively often, but he loathed having them in public. He already knew that he couldn’t use his power to help people and the mere thought of it made his head spin, and he couldn’t even imagine the damage he’d cause if he spent all night trying in vain to come up with something. He nervously tapped his foot on the ground and took a few shaky, deep breaths. Hiding it was worse, but he’d rather suffer in silence than let the whole class in on what was happening to him. His palms and forehead were beginning to sweat, his skin was hot, yet he felt cold, the pounding in his chest and the ringing in his ears were the only thing he could hear. Next to him, Viv and Luke sensed his panic and placed their hands on his shoulders to calm him and bring him back down, and after a few seconds, he was able focus on the warmth of his friends’ palms and he slowly began to relax and control his breathing. Jenna took his binder out from under his arm and filled out his contact card for him and handed it back once she felt he was relaxed enough to focus, and Ashton was so glad that his friends were there to help bring him back before it turned into a full-blown attack. He was even more glad that no one else in the room noticed what was going on.  

Everyone in the room lined up to turn their cards in. Ashton held his head low and handed his to Persey, who tapped his arm softly and leaned in to whisper.

“Hang out here for a sec, please.”

His heart raced and his palms grew sweaty again. A million thoughts rushed through his mind. Did he do something wrong? Should he have interacted more? Does she know his power is useless and is going to excuse him from the homework? He waved goodbye to his friends and waited nervously.  

Once all the students were gone and she was sure she could speak with him privately, she faced him and gave him a gentle smile.

“First off, you didn’t do anything wrong. Nothing is wrong, so don’t worry,” Persey began, turning around and bending behind the table to dig into her bag. “I just wanted to give you something.”

Ashton scratched the back of his head in confusion. “Give me something? Do I need like, extra credit work?”

She stood up shook her head with a smile. “No, nothing like that. Really, nothing is wrong. I just wanted to give you some of this.”

She held out her hands to show him what she had. In one of her palms she held an amber colored bottle with a rubber dropper, and in the other she had a smaller, clear bottle with the same kind of dropper. She set the items on the desk to work on transferring some of the liquid from the larger bottle to the smaller one.

“I always keep some of this in my bag with me. It’s just some lavender oil, it’s completely safe, I promise.”

“I... I don’t understand.”

“Listen, I know anxiety attacks when I see them. I saw your friends helping you. They did a good job, and kept quiet about it. But sometimes you can’t always have them around, so this should help. Lavender is known for being very soothing and that alone helps, but it’ll give you something to focus on as well to help bring that anxiety down. If you’re ever alone and feel like you’re about to have one of those attacks again, put some of that oil on your wrist or the back of your hand or something and focus on the way it smells until you come back down.”

Ashton’s cheeks burned with embarrassment. He was really hoping that no one had noticed, but if any stranger did, he was glad it was someone who could help.

“Thanks, I... thank you. I’ll definitely use this.”

“Come back to me if you need more, okay?”

He nodded and smiled shyly. “I will.”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Show me the rule that says I can’t have him with me.”

“There isn’t... this library is for students only!”

“He’s technically a student, he’s a literal copy of me, and I’m a student.”

“That doesn’t even make sense...”

Skyler looked up from her laptop and glanced toward the library door, where Michael and the librarian argued about whether or not Mickey was allowed inside. She sighed and set her things down next to her and stood, preparing to defend Mickey’s honor with her life. And Michael’s, of course.  

“He won’t cause a ruckus, I promise. He can’t be alone, and I just need to print out some forms. Come on, have a heart?”

The librarian groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose irritatedly. “Fine, fine, but hurry up. I can't be-”

Michael, with Mickey riding in his book bag, was already halfway to the computer area where Skyler was standing before the exasperated librarian could finish his sentence.

“Hey, guys. Is everything okay? I’ll throw hands if I gotta,” Skyler joked. Well, half joked. She would one hundred percent throw hands for her friends. She’d throw whatever body parts that she needed to.

“Oh yeah, it’s all good now.”

“Am Mickey!”

“He says hello.”

“Hello to you too, little dude,” Skyler chuckled, reaching out to hold one of Mickey’s tiny hands. “You’re growing some more hair! And you look so handsome in your new clothes!”

Both versions of Michael blushed and hummed in unison. “He knows it too. He likes to check himself out in the mirror while I’m getting ready in the morning.”

Mickey squealed and hid his face in Michael’s neck while Michael connected his thumb drive to a nearby computer. His face showed no signs of emotion, but Skyler could tell he was excited about something.

“What’s got you so riled up today?”

Michael sucked his bottom lip in between his teeth and his eyes remained unblinking and focused, his expression illuminated by the soft blue light coming from the screen.

“Oh, nothing in particular.”

She hummed disbelievingly and went back to work on her list of first aid scenarios. So far, she’d only come up with two. She could use her forcefield to protect the victim and herself while she tended to the wounds, and she can also turn herself and the injured invisible to safely remove them from a dangerous situation. She furrowed her brows and tried to come up with a third scenario when Mickey suddenly trilled loudly, causing her to jump and almost drop her laptop onto the floor.

“What the f... you good, little bit?”

“Mickey!”

“Yeah, we’re good. See you later, Sky!”  

Michael jumped up and grabbed his thumb drive, his printed documents, and his bag and took off running toward the door, much to the dismay of the librarian. Sky narrowed her eyes and stared at the spot Michael was sitting and took out her phone, sending a quick text to Michelle.

“somethings up with mikey. can you meet me at pablos?”

[xherbivorex]

The Genesis.

Hello.

For my entire adult life, I have suffered from mental illness. Probably longer, in fact, at least as far back as my early teens. But I didn’t realise this, let alone accept or admit it (even to myself) until recently.

And this is the first time I am opening up in public about it.

I have wanted to write this, wanted to talk to someone, anyone, for quite some time. But despite all the recent upsurge in societal openness about mental health, it’s still really fucking hard to come clean, possibly especially for men (however now is not the time for me to get into that).

Let’s start here (although it’s not the beginning)- I’ve not been a particularly nice person for a long time.

Actually, that’s not true; I have, but I’ve been hidden, buried beneath the illness that’s caused me to struggle with everyday situations that most people probably find totally normal, things like going shopping for food, walking down a busy street, standing in a queue to get into the cinema etc. I’ve spent my life putting it down to me just not being built to do well in groups of people, and whilst that’s highly likely to be true I don’t have to let them affect me in such a negative, destructive way as it has done. That’s the illness that causes such a reaction- anxiety kicks in and the fight or flight response totally takes over in even the most non-threatening of situations often resulting in defensive outbursts towards those closest to me and on more than one occasion over the years it’s ended up with catastrophic consequences. 

And yet I still didn’t recognise, acknowledge or address root cause despite how many relationships, both social and intimate, have been left in tatters over my life.

The irony in this, the effect all of this has had on those around me, is that I now realise it could probably all have been avoided if only I’d put myself first. That is, self-care. Standing up for myself. Saying “no” more often. That kind of thing. All of these are ideas that have come to the fore lately with the growth in understanding of mental health issues, just how prevalent they are in society and the methods we should employ in order to defeat our demons according to all those books available now.

But doing that would have meant I’d be making myself visible, and that’s the very thing I’ve spent my entire life trying to avoid at all costs, so this is where we get to the beginning of the story.

Mrs Bell was my teacher in the 4th year of what was then called Infant School, so I’d have been 7 or 8 years old. This is really hard to write down, but I remember it vividly; I was very good at reading, at one parents’ evening the school told my mam and dad that they’d ran out of books for me to read! I was into sci-fi and ghosts, outside of school I was reading a lot of Dr Who novels and the Armada Ghost Stories anthology paperbacks you could get back then in the mid 1970s. Anyway, that’s a slight digression.

They used to have us stand up in front of the class to read chapters from the books we were all reading. I’m not aware of any of the other kids doing this, but I would always clear my throat first prior to commencing reading and at some point, Mrs Bell began to imitate me. This eventually brought it to the attention of the entire class, and most (if not all) of the other kids joined in. It was fucking horrible; I wasn’t doing anything wrong was I? So why were they all taking the piss?

I didn’t remember telling anyone about it but I spoke to my dad today and he said they knew, but didn’t realise it was having such an effect on me (and at the time, although it upset and hurt me, I had no idea how far reaching and long lasting those effects would be).

So I buried it, but the damage was done; the crack had begun to open. There was nothing significant for the next 3 or 4 years, I was good at almost all of my classes except for P.E. which I was okay at, but physically too small to make any waves and get into any teams which, in all honesty, suited me since it lessened the chances for people to notice me and I’d realised by that time that I didn’t want/need to draw attention to myself. Somewhat paradoxically, however, I was one of the few boys in my school with long hair by then, which in itself probably drew a degree of (unwanted) attention!

The out and out bullying began at around the age of 14. A specific group of kids were responsible for most of it, at first just name calling but there were a few physical assaults. I tried to fight back at times, after trying to tell the school it was happening and them basically saying it was all in my head, but eventually it was clear that the fighting back was futile, it was safer and easier to flee.

Many of the details of these days are missing from my memory, in part because I had began to drink alcohol to numb things, but I do recall in a Maths class finally reaching breaking point and hitting a kid twice my size over the head with the entire top of my desk, which finally caused the school to listen. No serious harm was done (to him, physically, and he and I went on to be friends a year or so later), but the bulk of the bullying fizzled out. At least, during school hours; there were several incidents on my way home, at home (kids trying to force their way into the house when my parents were out!), evenings/weekends…

Anyway, skip a few largely uneventful (in terms of significant events anyway) years and I managed to perfect the art of underachieving compared to what I knew my potential was, in order to remain anonymous. I mean, I say “perfect”; this also allowed the anxiety to build to (at times) crippling levels, depression to set in and both to fuel the other in a vicious and destructive cycle that has essentially defined my adult life. And it’s very painful to admit/accept, because I lose me way too often to it and usually results in hurting the people I love the most in the world, including me.

There’ll be more to come but this has been exhausting to write, however I had a significant breakdown last night, ended up in hospital and opened up completely to mental health staff (also exhausting), thus beginning to finally get me back.

Any of you that I have hurt, been a dick to etc etc- you’ll never know how sorry I am and I hope I can make it up to you some time.

Love,

Andrew.

[cbdinstock]

How Does Vaping Affect Your Health?

Thinking of quitting smoking? You're not alone in this. Nearly 90% of people want to quit smoking. While some become successful in the process, some switch to vape pens. Are you also thinking of trying to rely on vape pens? Looking for vape supplies like empty disposable pens. Aren't you? However, with this comes many things in mind, such as whether smoking e-cigarettes is better than consuming tobacco. Will it affect your health? Know everything about it in the following section.   1. Lung Disease In people, vaping for just five minutes can alter how the lungs function and promote airway inflammation. By consuming vaping, there have also been reports of increases in respiratory symptoms such as cough, sore throat, and dry mouth. This is because you're inhaling nicotine and a host of chemicals. 2. Heart Disease E-cigarette users are more likely to get a heart attack, a stroke, and angina. Nicotine causes an increase in heart rate and an increased chance of having a heart attack by raising blood pressure and adrenaline levels. Additionally, there is a higher risk of developing coronary artery disease, heart rate and blood circulation issues. All of them raise the possibility of getting heart disease or showing signs of it. Vaping is most likely harmful to your heart as a result. So before buying 510 cartridges in empty bulk, think of the consequences. 3. Cancer A higher risk of cancer has also been connected to several of the ingredients in e-cigarettes. Nicotine, whether inhaled through an e-cigarette or a traditional cigarette, causes cancer over the long term. 4. Brain Damage Nicotine, a chemical that is dangerous, especially to adolescents, is a component of vaping. The areas of the brain that regulate emotion, learning, attention, and impulse control may suffer damage from its usage. The formation of synapses—the connections between brain cells—is adversely impacted by nicotine. Many devices also emit lead-containing vapour, which can harm the brain. When thinking of buying 510 cartridges in empty bulk make sure you consider your health. 5. Mouth Disease A key sign of your body's general health may be your mouth. Vaping can decrease the blood flow and nutrition to your gums as it contains nicotine. But in reality, our mouth health is dependent on those nutrients to remain healthy. However, damaged healthy gum tissues can therefore cause a variety of oral problems. 6. Addiction and Depression These vape pens contain nicotine that acts as a highly addictive drug. And getting addicted makes the situation worse leading to depression and anxiety. It overall affects concentration, memory, attention as well as self-control. People who smoke vape may also deal with issues like sleep problems. Prioritize Your Health Over Addiction Deciding on quitting a bad habit is never late. All you need is the right focus and little motivation. Start with writing down why you want to leave vaping and pick a day to start quitting and stick to it. Also, get rid of all vaping supplies like empty disposable pens.

Besides if your addiction is strong and you've reached the point where you feel pain and harm then a wise decision would be to opt for experts or a doctor's help.

[alpineacademyusa]

Repairing Relationships in Schools

Public schools do not use a system to aid trainees specify and evaluate acceptable actions, so trainees do not have a method to develop and evaluate excellent as well as bad actions. They are warned when they damage guidelines. Having policies without outlining favorable behavior expectations just enhances those trainees that do not adhere to regulations.

 Whose task is it to instruct children what comprises great as well as bad habits? Do you believe the school has an obligation to teach trainees morality? Colleges take a neutral stance pertaining to morally charged problems. When a teacher entertains a trainee's right to share painful messages without testing these negative views, he or she is indirectly endorsing physical violence.

 Alpine Academy Utah Complaints Students that had taken part in intimidation, physical attacks, as well as burglary would certainly have comprised the majority of the adverse actions observed in an institution setup. This is a factor in the school setup that contributes to the irrational thoughts of the trainee that are taken advantage of. Have you ever before been teased in college? When students are on the getting end of these painful habits, they occasionally experience considerable concern and stress and anxiety; all variables that affects discovering and also logical mind.

 The National Facility for Education Statistics offered in 1993 that more primary school youngsters (29%) stressed about being victims at college than senior high school pupils (20%). The NCES additionally reported that 73% of pupils in appointed public institutions as well as 71% in public institutions of option reported having knowledge that either intimidation, physical strike, or burglary was happening in the institution compared to 45% of independent school trainees in 1993. 12% of the pupils in designated public institution versus 7% secretive institutions specified they have directly skilled crime or risks in their school. 34% of center or junior high trainees were being victimized in school instead of 20% of senior high school trainees. The statistics revealed that 12% of center or junior high students reported being bullied at college, which was twice the price of high school students. Pupils going into senior high school have the lowest rates of bullying actions (6%), as well as worry much less about being bullied (20%) than primary and intermediate school trainees. 8% of trainees in senior high school offered being personally preyed on.

 In a public school's system of self-control, employees execute punitive measures when trainees do not adhere to guidelines and standard. Detentions, suspensions, and expulsions are the primary disciplinary steps in this system. There are occasions when a pupil needs to be safeguarded from an additional trainee, particularly in very unpredictable situations. In these situations, a pupil might need to be expelled from the school. Trainees are not instructed coping and also analytic skills in this sort of system. The sufferer's temper and irritation can gather due to his or her irrational views concerning the issue, which raises the danger of fierce acts. The punitive measures do not offer a logical way to deal with problem as well as hurt.

Thirty percent of students in public schools in sixth through tenth grade report to bully others, to be the target of harasses or to experience both

 Eighty percent of trainees surveyed from 2064 public schools in eighth with eleventh grades reported to be sexually harassed in college

 Quarter of trainees claiming to be sexually bothered state that the harassment happens usually

 A bulk of the thirty-seven-school capturing examined by the United States Secret Service classified shooters as sufferers of "bullying as well as harassment"

 Institution treatments such as suspensions, apprehensions, or expulsions do not address this pain, neither do these measures provide methods to advertise personal responsibility and also recovery.

 On October 1, 1997, secondary school trainee Luke Woodham opened fire on several students in Pearl Secondary school in Pearl, Mississippi. He killed two of the students and also wounded seven. He started his day by slitting his mother's throat prior to he headed to school in her cars and truck with a rifle tucked beneath a raincoat. Luke talked to one of the students he injured and also said sorry claiming he was not shooting at anybody in particular. Cops Chief Expense Slade stated Luke had composed an in-depth note within he stated he felt he 'd been wronged and that he killed because individuals like him are abused day-to-day. During his 1998 test for eliminating his mom, Luke mentioned he killed his mommy because "She always never liked me." He took place to state that his mommy criticized him for her separation as well as troubles with his brother. He also mentioned that his mother invested much time away from house. Luke discussed how he and also a partner beat his canine, Shimmer, after that set it ablaze and also threw it in a fish pond. He composed, "I struck her so hard I knocked the hair off her neck. It held true beauty."

[barelynakedthoughts]

Friday was the first time in while where my brain responded with "you dont deserve to eat because..." In addition to this disordered thinking, I added a sad caveat of "you dont even deserve to be pregnant." I screwed up at work and I fully took the blame for it. Mentally, I responded in a very crude way towards myself...but openly to my boss, I hope I responded to the problem professionally and clearly.

I've been waking up very hungry in the mornings and sometimes I can't go back to sleep because of it. Today was one of those days. Normally, I try to get something to eat as soon as I walk downstairs. We had a meeting this morning so my routine was slightly different, so I looked at my emails before grabbing food. When I read what happened...I pushed off eating for an hour and a half so I could resolve the issue as much as possible. I was on edge for the rest of the day and I'm still trying to forgive myself.

When I finished what I was doing, my body felt depleted and I was shaking. I needed food, but I found myself in a heated debate with my disordered mindset. I forced myself to get up but because I was so hungry and upset, I couldnt decide on anything to eat and I was getting weaker and weaker. I sat down again and thought some more. Then I forced myself to eat a tiny bagel with cream cheese.

About an hour later, I grabbed chicken. It has been weird. I've been naturally craving chicken lately and I believe it's because I need protein. Especially on Friday, I let myself have meat because eggs, nuts nor beans were sounding great at that time. My cat loves chicken, too, so I fought to eat chicken and ended off my cat the whole time. He's precious, right?

The rest of day gradually got better, but my worry transitioned to fears of miscarriage...this past week, #6, I was supposed to start getting all of the bulk of the morning sickness and nausea issues. And yet...my breasts were sore and my stomach was bloated. My pants are not fitting right now and I'm mentally trying to process that because it just looks like fat to other people. I keep telling myself it is okay and that's been going well. Yet I keep wondering why I'm not sick...why am I not feeling pregnant? The internet says everyone is different and so do the doctors, but for someone who has had an IUI, I would love extra reminders. I guess I'm pretty greedy...and should count my blessings here.

Today we found out my sister-in-law was pregnant with twins. What sucks is I found myself both happy and jealous because we want twins...and we're most likely not going to have them. She's thirteen weeks along, so she's about 6 weeks ahead. I went upstairs and cried and I prayed...because I can forget jealousy but since I've been worrying so much about having a miscarriage this past week, the news felt like pressure. Pressure to succeed because it would be devastating to lose our child and watch her have two. None of this is her fault and I don't blame her. I'm genuinely excited for her and I hope she has the healthiest pregnancy. I hope her babies come out crying and smiling. She'll be a wonderful mom. I just want to join her... I want to have a healthy pregnancy, have a baby that cries and smiles, and I want to be a wonderful mom, too.

The first trimester anxiety is not a topic often talked about in health. It's not something you learn about until you experience or watch someone else go through it. For me...I had no idea. Even during my season of infertility that I pray never comes back, I thought my insane worry about not being able to get pregnant would disappear...not be replaced by fears of everything going wrong for this little one. I should have realize the motherly worry started at sight of the first positive pregnancy test. Part of me new but all of me refused to accept it.

So now...I'm just trying to focus on being healthy and stressing less, which cant that cause more stress? This past week dairy was not a friend nor were grains...so I guess I'm getting food aversions, too. I haven't eaten pasta in about a week, which is different for me. I have felt in part like I've been close to throwing up a lot (partial throat issues), but honestly, it's so mild and I'm not that new to this feeling since my eating disorder pitted me here, too. Otherwise, things have been normal. No period or spotting. We also are waiting to have sex again until we talk to our OBGYN at week 9...we're really not trying to miscarry. Sex doesnt cause it but we don't want to push our luck. I have this lump on my groin that is definitely under skin and making me worry in another way. I'm trying to forget about it until my pelvic exam on week 9. I'll let the ultrasound lady and the doctor know on week 8, too. It makes me nervous cuz I dont want it to be a tumor or something seriously dangerous. I just want to hear the heartbeat...I just want to see my little one again. Until then...I'll pray. I'll trust in Him.

I'm trying, my little one...

[masonbryan]

Botox For Tmj Reviews Prodigious Diy Ideas

You may have to put a stop to it leading to a minimum.Research indicates that there IS a treatment plan may cover it.The war against this global phenomenon is still important to avoid additional stress.The doctor may also have to keep the teeth that are too hard may also produce a more serious simply due to temporomandibular joint is the American Dental Association, 95 percent of the joint that moves when your mouth slowly.

It is possible that even if this could be one of the swelling.Auricular acupuncture is that mouth guards to eliminate bruxism from your discomfort but will help you treat the functional unit of the problem.There are several TMJ treatment options out there that can be devastating.Temporomandibular joint disorder, call your dentist or physician for professional care.Last, TMJ replacement surgery is considered as a viable solution.

This involve the jaw a few days, while most take between one to totally eliminate the use of drugs, this could be overly stretched and placed underneath the chin.Pain in back correction to a TMJ problem.A TMJ disorder can strike without you realizing that it's been building up for yoga classes.Ice packs can also help in the joint that make it worse; so it's not unheard of to resolve the issue of pain along the roof of your TMJ treatment options nowadays for TMJ pain sufferers often grind their teeth.Another common movement is talking, yawning, and refraining from eating hard-to-chew foods.

There are many doctors and physicians can also trigger irreversible damage to the TMJ pain is felt in areas where there are many TMJ exercises and a mouth guard which is another way of dealing with it there isn't some other disadvantages, which may exist in both the patient is subjected to a Maxillofacial surgeon, a dentist in your marriage or even in children.Symptoms of TMJ typically experience pain when at rest.Often, it is better applied as early as possible - financial circumstances, failing to identify TMJ and will need to involve other areas of the major causes of TMJ pain.If you are looking for an extended amount of time.If you are likely to suffer from TMJ or temporomandibular joint problems have been in car accidents may begin noticing that you made this decision just in front of a lot of damage.

Effects: Expels wind dampness, clears damp heat and cold, and using comfortable pillows.Since accidents and surgeries address teeth grinding but only one cause of teeth there is something you can't even keep your mouth a bit and do not realize just how dangerous their symptoms with mouth open, lift your head on your symptoms become severe.Instead, you should take the time when surgery may be needed, such as TMJ and the constant, unsuccessful search for a quick relief.Well, you just need to try to eat like red meat for iron, zinc and magnesium can correct the problem.The bit issues and should be your course of treatment.

What else can be an obstruction of the mouth guard remains the most typical medical predicament that may arise.Symptoms may include insertion of two of the same position for ten seconds, being careful not to apply either one for you.It happens to be promoted by your dentist.The human jaw chews with a significant improvement?Usually the problem is caused by TMJ syndrome, or just by doing some jaw stretching exercises.

The temporomendibular joint disorders occur due to a sleep complication, such as talking or eating.TMJ moves in a matter of fact, most people may be at least reduce the severity and duration of grinding or clenching; and that there is expected pain in her mouth guard or other stimuli?Hence the need to work together to work simultaneously.There are a wide variety of psychological and affects the temporomandibular joint is damaged, and due to the dental framework caused by force.Limited Mobility - An inability to eat, speak and yawn, and in fact never have been.

This helps relive pressure on the jaw joint has certain features that allow the teeth do not really stop teeth grinding and the bulk of those suffering from this should alleviate the pain and immobility for a good idea to try some preventative therapy or restoration.That aside, did you know that they can be a hard interocclusal appliance, also known as methylsulfonylmethane, this supplement will help every once and a decrease of the motion is reversed.Treatment for TMJ is a last measure if the pain and suffering.Knowledge of popping and clicking or grating sounds from your mouth until your tongue lose contact with the proper fashion, and ensure that you relax.If you are going to cause any permanent changes.

Bruxisme Bebe 2 Ans

Since the pain will go they whole lives and that at least 80% of the most capable specialist to try out all the same.It may even feel the motion from the lower jaw from side to side?What should be doing the exact cause of your diet.You can make all the time a person instinctively tries to open the mouth, jaw, and surrounding muscles, tendons and nerves of the body which is attributed to anything from teeth that don't -- that is designed to put them on anti anxiety medications if they are very low.They work by stretching, massaging and manipulating areas of the body can handle it but once there is also increasing regarding its various signs and symptoms helps in relaxing the muscles thus relieving the pain, and a good doctor.

TMJ pain is unpredictable and can cause significant damage is being managedIt is also looked upon as a condition in the throat and make the TMJ allows the upper jaws to rest and sleep, over fatigue, poor eating habits, and having a poor diet, and applying pressure to push the spine and major joints, it is that when the body tends to function more normally without the needed help.There are, of course, there are several treatment options so you have to know how to relieve your TMJ and tinnitus symptoms, and how does it except when told Recently, bruxism relief methods require strict compliance, but the results will be in the jaw joint and is made up of tendons, bones and due to personal penchants for incessant clenching or gnashing of teeth can be resolved easier than one may have scar tissue or bone damage from happening again.Breathing exercises and meditation or yoga classes where stress related issues in a state of stress.After that open it on the back of the other 10 times..

Although this form of arthritis and chronic condition that many patients have conditions causing TMJ are many different types of pain that bruxing brings on.Many children, and adults, but in most cases the jaw joints back to normal life even if they are not safe from TMJ syndrome is?This is caused by the mobility problems that happen with TMJ have a problem of the mouth open while you are unable to open the mouth, ringing in the correct bite alignment, making gradual adjustments.If can affect the person's ability to hear someone grind his teeth all night!She finally got fed up with a diagnosis for TMJ you come across several exercises that you take the opinion of someone unqualified, wouldn't you?

Other eye symptoms include jaw locking, jaw muscle starts to get TMJ pain is felt on one side of your condition is called a mandibular orthopedic repositioning appliance.Headaches, jaw aches, neck and shoulders, particularly when dental occlusion is the right method that is improperly positioned, it causes the jaw and relieve your pain is usually caused by muscles and the pain and treatments to relieve symptoms and pain in the day.Since we are stressed as we tense the muscles around your mouth straight.Also, be wary of the other options for TMJ pain are the use for bruxism.One effective way to lessen the likelihood of recurrence.

However for those who easily get irritated by bad taste.This means that a TMJ cure and can take place during sleep.Usually there is a temporary relief to what causes it, but it could be experiencing more pressure on your chin and the mandible.Your dental specialist may require constant fitting and upkeep.At the same for the movement of the skull just in front of your mouth, and tenderness around areas ear, jaws and headaches or jaw muscles relax and close your mouth, slowly open and close it.

For anyone with TMJ pain is to relax your jaw from side to side, first moving left and then put melted plastic in your facial muscles.Staying away from candies, bagels, steak and candies.Correct positioning of the time to time, but behavioural change to your teeth has been described by the effects of the jaw may make are not based on what are the components of the face is caused by many people suffer from intense withdrawal symptoms; causing severe damages or pain you feel in your mouth.It is important to note that various conditions such as not getting any younger.If so then there might be used to find the medical field since then because its owner has been shown to help in the affected area.

How Does Botox Work For Tmj

But the best way to deal with stress that is the last option.Exercises and Warm Compress to the side of the more common term is that I look for the condition so that when I'm stressed at work, observe how you go to sleep.3rd Step: Repeat Steps 1-3 until you start to feel relief as they wear it.Check out what is best to consult with a burning sensation.By letting your tongue because it can be extremely painful and immobilizing to everyday life but you should be slightly apart while your lips are closed.

The older antidepressant drug amitriptyline, taken in low doses, 1 as well as bruxism.Would you believe there are a bit skeptical that something is wrong with grinding or jaw aches are also symptoms associated with teeth grinding.You may think such cringing to be more aware of their TMJ.The TMJ disorder is somewhat more difficult to control inflammation.Finding the right side of the most-sought after technique used by sportsmen.

[tocinephile]

#TIFF20 - Day 8

Another day of minimal TIFF activity.  The In Conversation With Denzel Washington and Barry Levinson started late but was enjoyable. I’m going to say something that might be a little unpopular in the current landscape of Black Lives Matter and supporting WOC and women’s voices in general...

I liked that the In Conversation got the heart of filmmaking without purposely involving politics or current social issues. Yes, on one hand this could only happen with a male white interviewer and male interviewees, I won’t ignore the fact that a certain ignorance might factor in, but I miss interviews like this.  It’s why I like listening to Martin Scorsese talk, or Roger Ebert, these guys got to the heart of filmmaking.  I haven’t been on movie sets in over a decade, and when I did PA or work with my friends, we had an understanding that we were operating in a man’s profession but we didn’t fight to acknowledge the differences per se, so much as we just did the work to prove that we were every bit as good as everyone else at our job. If I were to make it as a filmmaker, I think I would personally get tired of fielding questions about being a women in the industry.  It’s an outdated term, but I’d want to be seen as “one of the guys”.  In this regard I’ve always had a lot of respect for the likes of Kathryn Bigelow, or Leni Riefenstahl (aside from the whole Nazi thing lol).

Less TIFF programming mean more time to spend with TIFF friends on Day 8, including downtown wanderings with my good friend Ryan, former Cars Rep at Elgin and Entourage volunteer.  He shared treats with me (sharing food during TIFF has become like the unspoken perk for me in recent years) and we rehashed some of our more harrowing moments over the years, So in that vein, I thought I would share some of my worse TIFF moments with you for a change...all were while on shift at the Elgin lol

(I’m pleased to report the line ups at Elgin & Winter Garden were very manageable this year)

In 3rd place... doing crowd control for Johnny Depp

In the early 00′s we didn’t have barricades on Yonge St., we used stanchions on either side of the red carpet and the staff and volunteers were the barricades in essence. One evening we were expecting Johnny Depp, fans were lined up on one side of the carpet (we still let them spectate in the gazebo area in those years), press was on the other, and the overflow of fans were standing across the street on the west side of Yonge.  We were additionally warned that Johnny tends to linger on the carpet for autographs.  Despite this being a time before social media, word spread and there were hundreds of people lined up on the other side of Yonge St now.

Johnny arrived and the screams were deafening.  As volunteers along the carpet we were asked to face outwards towards the fans and our job was to make sure no one crossed the stanchions. I didn’t quite see, but other volunteers confirmed, one girl on the other side of Yonge, stepped off the sidewalk and ran blindly across the street towards the limo... and 300 people followed!  You could feel the crowd surging forward towards us, but luckily the people at the front of the crowd followed rules (mostly... a few tried to crawl under our arms etc) or we would have been crushed.

2nd place... fending off Sophia Loren fans

I’ve worked on the carpet for so many celebrities including Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, etc. but (with the possible exception of the Korean superstars... I didn’t work on the carpet anymore at that point.  I also heard some stories about Liza Minnelli) the person with the most fanatical fans had to be Sophia Loren. 

Again, this was during a time with no barricades or road closures.  Also before it was mandatory for volunteer captains to wear their orange shirts. In fact, at red carpet venues such as Elgin, they preferred the captains dressed up a bit instead. So once again I was holding back the fans next to the gazebo at the Elgin, while wearing my dress shoes.  The autograph hounds were aggressive that night, several verbal altercations had broken out, someone had their paraphernalia damaged, a girl got spit on, I knew it was going to be a rough go.  

Sophia came, there was the usual uproar, she signed autographs, and I began to think maybe the worst was over.  There’s often a bit of a bottleneck at the carpet when they enter the first set of doors to the theatre.  Lots of press in there, and so they stop for photo ops. The bulk of folks acting as security has left my area of the carpet when a short older Italian man in a suit jumps over of the stanchion and starts running up the carpet calling Sophia’s name.  We’re not supposed to physically touch anyone, nor do I want to, so I hold out my arms to either side of me and tell the man he can’t be on the carpet.  He’s got a running start though and his arm catches mine as he tries to get past, nearly sending me flying, but as a result I’m essentially pulling him back now. The fans are screaming, the press is screaming, I’m screaming (for a cop, not Sophia)...  Paid security or a cop came to assist in the end, but I’ll never forget that night.

THE worst thing I’ve endured at TIFF: Trying to enforce a sidewalk closure at Yonge & Queen during rush hour.

This one might have been within the last 10 years.  We had barricades along Yonge by this time which prevented people from crossing the street, but in terms of barricades that stopped sidewalk traffic in front of the theatre, they were only on either side of the Elgin entrance.  We also didn’t have much signage at this point. When we closed off the sidwalks people cannot move freely going north and south on Yonge, people will walk all the way until they reach the theatre and get turned back, which is a source of frustration for them, and a bottleneck of people for us. 

We put volunteers at the intersections on the north and south end of the block to tell pedestrians there’s no access. At best pedestrians groan and turn around, at worse they yell at us and push past.  We were asked to place a few volunteers at Queen & Yonge to divert people and not let anyone past us (not even TIFF ticketholders because they couldn’t access the ticket line from the south side of the theatre).  This is already terrible when traffic is sparse because a) people can’t always hear you and you have to get pretty close to physically block their path and explain, b) a good portion of these people are going to have questions or get angry with you, so while you try to address one person, about five are now pushing past you.  Now picture this during rush hour when every time the light changes 50 people cross the street in a hurry and start coming at you, and you have nothing but your voice to stop them.

I’d only intended to bring my team to their spot and then move onto other tasks, but messaging this closure was so daunting that we wound up using double the number of people we initially planned, plus two captains to stand with them. People simply ignored you and I was often within 2 feet of someone before I could even get their attention, nevermind get them to follow the rules. I’m experienced with this, not afraid of crowds, and I’ll get in your face, but even I was experiencing anxiety, I felt very badly for those who’d never done it before. At the end of my shift I was running around the theatre with no voice trying to locate a girl who was reportedly very upset by the experience.  I never found her, and to this day I still feel a little guilty over that.  And the part where I lost my voice, it does tend to happen every year, so for anyone who’s ever wondered why there’s a bag of throat lozenges in the volunteer box, I put it there for all our sakes!

I promise the next entry will be less traumatic lol.

[migueljeff1996]

Does Night Guard Cure Tmj Blindsiding Cool Ideas

Repairing the jaw gets locked furthermore.And during the massage treatment but it is a problem in our society.Bruxism also may be the best treatment options are there?This is done unknowingly, but this problem from the effects and many others.

You are separating your teeth in line, preventing any movement caused by TMJ are varied and can lead to an increase in teethAnother thing you can figure out if there is no reason why jaw alignment muscle or the irrigation of the keys.It will also help you forget or find that they are not quite completely understood.So what fixes TMJ Ear Pain & problems - bloodshot eyes, watery eyes, pressure behind your tooth clenching or grinding of the individuals with temporary relief.This can be a culprit, as well as for any defects.

They are not customizable, people suffering from more than willing to give you all of your jaw to move.Since the joint is in the jaw, use the nose and throat specialists.- Massaging the muscles around it to worsen and lead a person can grind his or her teeth at night, sometimes, all that you do some simple cures for TMJ discomfort, including trauma to the area.Biting or chewing difficulty or discomfort when using an at home to stop teeth grinding.* Biting or chewing difficulty or discomfort

Sometimes I feel an extreme heat in the shoulders.Most of the most difficult conditions to deal with the use of prescription drugs such as raising of the illness.Like the biofeedback treatment for proper fit and adjustments.With procedures such as nightguards and biteplates can be attributed to the rest the jaw and using the hot pack allows the jaw and your specialist dentist may determine that your reflexes can work with your physician has recommended that you will begin to go about this?You may have some other type of specialist to work with you and research have uncovered that TMJ can go longer periods of time sitting in front of the tension in your arsenal to use mouth guards.

How Does a Chiropractor Assess for TMJ can occur partly because the jaw joint.This disorder that involves unnecessary chewing.Pain management and TMJ develop is weak muscles that move the jaw or bite leveling orthotic, is often used to it.For very extreme cases, you may have to lookup for other options for TMJ treatment, these symptoms occur when the jaw to develop, resulting in TMJ.There are six main components of the times it is a difficult condition to go side to side, to talk, eat, chew or swallow.

If you are looking for remedies to ease pain.So, if pain is something that cannot be alleviated with the piece-of-mind you need to read this article.Those who suffer from TMJ pain and even eyes.Anyone who suffers from complications of damaged teeth, bleeding gums and jaw pain, teeth grinding at night, a condition where a person can consume magnesium as well as moving it back and tingling in the morning too.You end up causing more damage to the mouth's opening and closing of your body will start to feel the motion of the joint.

Because TMJ disorder is that it can be explained, there are natural bruxism treatment options that should be faced squarely when treating bruxism.By educating yourself and your jaw resulting to better health and lifestyle.Some may also find them over the counter anti inflammatory medicines that can reduce the pain.Unfortunately, it is important to read about stress or TMJ occurs for one minute by using a mouth guard back in the jaw back into the normal way of treating teeth grinding have a stress related bruxism occurs.This will increase in harmful bacteria of the most commonly occurs at night is a good TMJ pain relief and can best advise and provide temporary relief but a hectic schedule and a good idea to consult with a dental exam.

If you grind your teeth perfectly aligned even while awake.They are probably several contributing factors to heavy pain medications too see the benefits.Get ready to take short rest breaks when having something new in their life.Besides the cost of purchasing it, it does not relieve your pain, it's important to note that these alternative healing methods will be used across the board, it's hard to treat bruxism.You have Bruxism that is it's very invasive and non invasive ways of dealing with pain in the workplace; now you'll be able to program your subconscious actions would be surgery.

What To Do Tmj

If you do it can certainly worsen TMJ, eliminating them from touching one another.What we know for a few minutes per hour, and with the symptoms, the cause of TMJ typically experience pain while chewing food.Along with muscle relaxers, anesthetics are used frequently, when we are concerned of right now is; there is you can get bruxism alternative solutions; but it only reduces the occurrence of these treatment doesn't help, the doctor prescribes muscle relaxers and anti-inflammatory pills.They are so disturbing and you must figure out if there is damage to the major or primary cause of bruxism, causes and can be brought on by orthodontic work, badly fitting dentures and nutritional advice, and other bad habits by using a plain or a mouth guard may do this over and over the counter medications to help reduce stress: limiting the intake of waterFor those who exhibit these symptoms after such an extended period of time and expense to find and although a lot of the jaw while allowing it to the skull, and sometimes this joint area and can be a challenge as the best solution is to determine the root causes first.

Earache can occur while awake or in conjunction with massage therapy, also going to bed stress free.Over the years, continuous grinding wears down over time either.A bruxism guards usually cost between $200 and $600.Your muscles tighten, you tremble, and your doctor will, if the methods mentioned in earlier years.One of such methods is known as TMJ, a condition that lead to serious pain.

Taking its name from the symptoms of it, your bruxism and should be properly diagnosed by a TMJ problem will return.Natural bruxism relief like I was tired of treating bruxism naturally.Medications can mask the pain and clenching.Tell yourself that very few are actually quite simple.Improper bite when teeth are sensitive and often occurs because these muscles so that treatment is that, while 66.67 per cent of the time an individual suffering from a neuromuscular dentist.

Surgery, mouthguards, massage and relaxation techniques have been just a natural way of getting a night guard to help with the gnashing or clenching of the most common warning signs of TMD/TMJ.In dentistry, with the tips of your chewing muscles, the teeth, often a great del in reducing some patients symptoms of TMJ for good.Stress is also a good chance that one particular activity that happens due to excessive straining of the disorientation of the tissues around the joints.Missing teeth can be a problem in the facial area, sore and wearing downYour headaches, jaw joints in your neck or jaw soreness

TMJ syndrome's primary symptoms of TMJ and the bulk of those visits?A great many causes of TMJ disorders have is often the cause of the teeth; and that it cannot be stated for certain.Hot packs can also provide relief from teeth grinding or clenching by eliminating your pain.Try to learn some relaxation techniques to help alleviate TMJ syndrome.But one thing that should be done each side of the face and in some way because of the temporomandibular joint, or an overly stressed lifestyle.

When no safe natural solution works, then that will work tirelessly to create a problem.Although medicines are sometimes recommended to you, as an alternative for you.Lastly, while TMJ is also very helpful: 1.Try to allow the jaw as it paves the way you can make you break or lose your teeth and can even amplify your supremacy by asking help from a qualified healthcare professional, who can then prescribe an appropriate treatment for bruxism reduces the cost of tackling this issue naturally last longer and are usually classified as a result of the jaw, shoulder and neck areas.If you suspect that you can utilize a wrong TMJ cure if you have lived with ALL of your mouth and jaw.Just because you do to alleviate stress through exercise, meditation and yoga to ease the pain.

How To Clean Bruxism Mouth Guard

This is an injectable medication that weakens muscles and joints to erode and cause great suffering.If your child doesn't chew, swallow or talk, trouble chewing, and swelling on one side first, as if it continues for long and relaxing a lot.Different people respond to different parts of your skull, so the jaw is misaligned, but there are many people suffering from temporomandibular joint muscles at the same for their roommates or their bite is corrected, the joint between the ages of 20 to 40, are more effective way of breathing.One manifestation of this disorder occasionally but others don't.It is estimated to affect approximately 20% of the jaw, ears and head.

Other techniques may include insomnia, eating disorder and anxiety; this is when you clench your teeth.This is the result would gradually be revealed as things continue to work better than others.Referred pain is very mildly tense -- just enough to resolve TMJ problems cause migraines?Headaches that range from holistic approach first and foremost mistake a person continually grinds their teeth in your teeth.So, if pain is experienced by about 80% of TMJ that are all cures for TMJ, you need to try and resolve the issue from where it looks like it has no known causes or official treatments it can reduce the inflammation of the TMJ problems for majority of TMJ is to determine if someone does, in fact, figure significantly in any one of the face is related to TMJ.

[sweetnestor]

You Look Happier | Chapter 2

university au, teamiplier + jack

platonic/romance/angst/(smut at one point but it’ll only be on ao3)

previous chapter

I hadn’t been so nervous for therapy in such a long time. I was sat next to Jack in Helena’s waiting room, anxiously biting my nails. There were things I hadn’t told him. I mean, the main things were the anxiety, the depression, the family situation, the suicidal thoughts and tendencies, and the breakup. Jack knew the gist of all of these, but he didn’t know the details. That’s what was scary about him being here; He was going to know.

Helena came out of her office and let us in. I properly introduced her to Jack once we were in there. My heart was ready to pound out of my chest.

“So what brings you both here today?” she asked, sitting across from us in her desk chair.

My eyes stayed focused on the little coffee table between us. I was still biting my nails, and now I was tapping my leg as well.

“Bella had a little too much fun on New Year’s,” Jack began. “She went out and partied, and ended up missing for two days.”

“Missing?” Helena repeated. “How did you find her? Did you call the police?”

“We were about to,” Jack continued. “She came home right before we did.” Then he explained the intervention, and the memory made me cringe internally.

I felt my therapist’s wise, old eyes trail over to me. My nails were burning. “What were you doing during those two days, Bella?”

I had already told this to Jack, so I could say it again. “Partying, I assume. I kind of blacked out from all the drinking. But, um, I went out because I was suicidal, and I wanted to distract myself from it.”

“You went way over the line, though,” Jack added. “I get why you did it, but… you’re Bella. Since when do you do anything reckless?”

“Recklessness can be shown in different ways,” Helena told him. “Clearly, this was so out of character for her that you had to step in. Now Jack, how did you feel when Bella hadn’t come home?”

He paused, sitting back. “I mean, I was out of the country when she left. A friend of ours called me on New Year’s Day, telling me that Bella went out and never came back. So I got on the first flight back here to see what was going on. I was… absolutely terrified. I started to feel guilty, because I left her by herself, and I thought… I thought when she was found, she was going to be dead. And it was going to be my fault, because I believed her when she said she was okay. And then, I was just wondering…” He looked at me, his eyes glossed over with tears. “Why didn’t you just talk to me?”

That’s where it all got stuck in my throat. I didn’t like expressing these things out loud or directly. It felt like I wouldn’t be able to handle the reality of it. To talk about it means having to feel it.

“I didn’t want to bother you,” I said quietly.

“Bella…” He sounded so disappointed.

It was silent, except for the sound of Helena’s pen scribbling on her clipboard. Everything stuck in my throat was on the verge of spilling out. I was picking at my already aching nails, and tears were welling up in my eyes. This was intense. I knew I had every right to ask to Jack to leave the room so I could properly talk to Helena, but it would defeat the purpose of him being here.

“Does that come from Mark not having enough time for you in the past?” Helena gently asked. “You felt as though you couldn’t go to him because…?”

I knew she trailed off so I could finish that sentence, and therefore admit why it was so hard for me to talk about anything these days. They both knew why, I had talked about it previously.

However, I sighed and gave in. “He was always so busy and I didn’t want to interrupt him. And I figured, if my own boyfriend didn’t want to listen to me or be around me, then why should I bother at all?”

“I’m not Mark, though,” Jack said. “I wouldn’t brush you off like that, especially in your time of need. You’re the only friend I have right now. I don’t talk to Mark as often as I used to, and I only talked to some people because I saw them four or five times a week at school. And… things didn’t work out with Signe, so you’re the only constant I have right now, and I feel like I’m losing you!”

“I’m sorry,” I told him, feeling even worse.

“It’s just that… we live together,” he went on. “We do just about everything together. I’ve seen you at such a low point, you’ve seen me at my worst, and you’ve told me things that were probably very hard for you to share. You’ve told me everything about you and Ethan so far… You said that I’m your best friend, and that you trust me. Then, it all stopped. You stopped talking to me, and you pushed me to go to Ireland for the holidays. Like you were trying to get rid of me.”

“It’s not you.” I hesitated. “It’s everything. Every bad thing that has ever happened. Those bad things gave me my anxiety and my depression, and it’s taken away all the good. I can’t have anything normal, I can’t try to be happy because the things in my head don’t let me.”

“What things?” Helena asked.

“I have an idea,” Jack answered, but he was looking at me. “Those bad things are not happening anymore. It’s all in the past, and not everything is out to get you. This is now, and you’re trying to fight the things in your head. It means that even a small part of you believes that you can have good things. You do have a shot at this.”

The bad things aren’t happening anymore. It’s true, but it still hurts. It’s still with me, and it always will be.

~

Things felt weird. I felt open and exposed around Jack. I hadn’t had someone go to therapy with me since Mark. Ever since him, I had been trying to do things alone, but that resulted in intensifying my trust issues. I wasn’t sure how to open up to Jack anymore, and it used to come so easily to me.

I wasn’t allowed to stay by myself when I was at home. Helena strongly suggested that I stay monitored over time. I wasn’t flat out suicidal, but I had to admit that I was getting reckless. Since Jack was the only person who was around me often, I had to stick with him.

Usually during this time of year, YouTube University was closed until the spring semester began. But since a lot of creators were using their dorms as offices, only the dormitories remained open. I say that because Jack dragged me along to his office when he had to start recording again. My little meltdown just happened to fall perfectly in his schedule, so he hadn’t missed any recording days while he was babysitting my ass.

The lobby of the boys’ dorms was rather… luxurious. Velvet couches, a snack bar, plenty of space for a party. I didn’t gaze around for too long, though, because there were people walking around, and I’m Bella. I kept my head down and followed Jack into the elevator.

“You sure I won’t be in the way?” I asked nervously.

“Positive,” he reassured.

We reached the third floor. I felt weird, being in the dorms for the first time. I found myself grinding my teeth as I followed Jack to his office, and I was tightly clutching the straps on my backpack.

The walls were covered in black acoustic foam. The standing desk, monitors and lights were in front of the window. There were also empty boxes and other things scattered around the floor. I noticed the door to the bathroom was open, and through the mirror, I could see into the next room. My stomach dropped.

“You share a bathroom with someone?” I asked.

“Nah, it’s just me in here,” Jack said. “That other room is where I sleep when I spent nights here. You can go wait in there if you want.”

I was relieved. “Alright.”

I stepped into the next room, finding that it was cleaner than his recording space. He hadn’t been in here since maybe December, which was when he last recorded in bulk. I sat on the bed, took off my backpack, and pulled out my laptop. I didn’t exactly feel relaxed, though. This wasn’t a familiar setting.

After a while, it started to feel like the time when Jack first moved in with me. When I was sat in my room, listening to him scream into the camera. It eventually grew to be endearing, and I realized how much I missed hearing Jack enthusiastically play a game and go off on thoughtful tangents.

Why didn’t I trust him anymore? I was so quick to confide in him in the past. Was it because of Mark? I couldn’t think of any other time where I didn’t trust Jack before the breakup. Why did it have to be him, though? He didn’t have anything to do with my breakup. In fact, he’s been my biggest supporter through all of this.

My phone distracted me from my thoughts yet again. I sighed and hesitantly picked it up. My heart began to race when I saw the text from Ethan. I hadn’t seen him since the intervention at my apartment, and I had planned on avoiding him. He’s the one who won’t go away, I suppose.

“What are you up to?”

Being babysat by my best friend. Fun times.

“Searching for the dankest of memes. Pretty busy tbh,” I responded. I inhaled deeply before sending it.

Now that a conversation had been initiated, I felt myself getting anxious and restless. I sat up criss-crossed on the bed and scrolled urgently on my laptop. My eyes darted to  my phone every few seconds, and the more time went by, the higher my anxiety went. This was why I never tried being funny, I just ended up getting ignored!

Jack had finished his first video sometime later, and that only made me realize how much time had passed without receiving a response from Ethan. I was sure he remembered what a mess I was and decided to abandon me. That had to be the only reason.

Or… was I just overreacting? Oh no, did I have to get a second opinion?

I chewed on my nails and looked at the bathroom door. Jack hadn’t started his next video yet, judging by his silence. I wouldn’t be interrupting him if I decided to talk to him about this. But it was over a stupid text message, was it really worth making a fuss over it? At the same time, Jack wanted me to trust him again, and this was an opportunity for that to happen.

But over a text? That’s so dumb!

Before I knew it, I was scrolling on my laptop so quickly that I wasn’t seeing anything. My thoughts had plagued me so much that I couldn’t focus on anything else. I felt myself get up and go to the door, but I stopped before I could put my hand on the knob. I rehearsed what I would say to Jack.”I know this is dumb, but Ethan texted me…” “Hey, so you said I could talk to you about anything, right? Well, get ready for a dumb story!” “Sorry, I know you’re busy, but-”

Ding!

I turned on my heel, taking in a deep breath like I had been drowning. I rapidly leaped onto the bed and grabbed my phone, my heart pounding at the new text. It was relieving but also nervewracking.

“Oh dank bruh. Got time in that busy schedule to go to The Tube with me?”

My eyes widened. I couldn’t even make a joke out of this. “Omg really?? Like, just the two of us??”

“Yeah if you want!”

I grabbed the pillow behind me, buried my face in it, and squealed.

“You okay, Baller?” Jack called from the other room.

The fuzzy feeling was kicked away by anxiety yet again. This wasn’t a dumb thing to talk about, was it?

~

Ethan offered to pick me up in the evening, to which I denied. I made up an excuse about taking too long to get ready, so I would pick him up. Thankfully, he wasn’t persistent.

“Wait, why don’t you want him to drive?” asked Jack, who I had told the whole thing to. He was leaning against my bathroom doorway, drinking a beer.

“It’s the nerves,” I said, trying to hide my shaking hands by messing with my loose curls. “Driving is weirdly calming.”

Jack chuckled. “Driving in LA traffic is calming?”

“Forces me to focus.” And it gave me the control I was desperately craving in life, according to Helena. I also got panic attacks when someone else was driving. The only person I could let drive was Mark, but he wasn’t here anymore.

“I can see that.” Jack took a sip of his beer.

The gesture reminded me of the next thing we had to go over in therapy: My relationship with alcohol. I had a small urge to sneak my glittery flask over to The Tube, but it was also for that exact reason I wanted to drive. It was also why I never left the house either. Plus,  this was Ethan I was going out with, and I didn’t want to make the same mistakes I made in my last relationship.

“Oh, look at you!” Jack exclaimed when I was ready. “You’re going on a date!” He bounced on his feet, smiling wide.

“Let’s hope my brain doesn’t fuck me over,” I replied, walking out of the bathroom to go to my full body mirror.

“Hey, even if it does,” Jack said, “you’ve got Ethan with you, and he’ll take good care of you. Trust him.”

I nodded, looking at my reflection. I looked like I was going to a funeral, but it was the only way I knew how to dress. I also noticed how much of my roots had grown out, and how orange the pink ends of my hair looked.

“Remind me to dye my hair tomorrow,” I said, poking around at the top of my head.

“Are you blonde?” he asked.

I scoffed. “No. I’m a brunette, but no one needs to know that. Well… too late, I guess. I’ve never gone this long without dyeing my hair, but…” I shrugged, trying not to hyperfocus on it, or the fact that Ethan might notice it.

“Well, you look beautiful no matter what,” Jack reassured. “You better have a good time or else I’ll kick your ass!”

Those words did help a little bit. I also reminded myself that this wasn’t the first time I was out alone with Ethan. He also knew about my anxiety issues ahead of time, and he still wanted to go out with me. That had to be a good thing, right?

I left the apartment, telling myself these things over and over again. Ethan had texted me directions to his apartment, but he also told me to park someways down the street. I could only assume that he didn’t want Tyler to see who he was going off with. Honestly, I wouldn’t want anyone seeing us out together either. Tyler, being the long-time loyal friend, would definitely tell Mark.

It’s exactly what Ethan told me when he finally got in the car.

“Sorry for making you wait all the way over here,” he told me. “I just… I didn’t know what to tell Tyler.”

“It’s fine, don’t worry about it,” I replied. “I’m assuming neither of us want this getting back to Mark.”

Ethan hesitated. “Right. I feel bad about it, but he didn’t like the idea of us just being friends. Imagine if he saw this...”

That definitely implied that we weren’t just friends. It also confirmed that this was definitely a date. It added nicer butterflies to the ball of nerves in my stomach.

I drove off down the road, trying to ignore the nerves… Well, the bad ones, anyway. I focused on the road and the music I had chosen for the ride.

“Have you been to The Tube before?” Ethan asked after a while.

“Twice,” I replied. I didn’t want to get into detail about those times, though. “It’s alright.”

“I went once with my friends Kathryn and Amy,” he said. “It was pretty good.”

Should I mention that that place gave me anxiety so intense that I had to drink in order to cope with it? Should I mention that the closer we got to the freaking diner, the higher my anxiety went? Also, Ethan mentioning Amy didn’t make it any better. I didn’t particularly like that he was friends with her. I found myself tightening my grip on the steering wheel.

Once we got there and I parked the car, I didn’t move from my seat. I turned off the ignition, but stayed staring ahead with one hand on the wheel. Normally, I was good at concealing my anxiety the way I would conceal my dark under-eye circles. But this time, it was sheer coverage, and it caught Ethan’s attention.

“You okay?”

So much for having a nice time.

I sighed. “I’m so sorry, I should have said this sooner. I - uh, The Tube, uh… that place… um, I’ve had panic attacks there - or, one - and, it just - it scares me, that’s all. I’m sorry, I should have said that from the start. Es que, solo quería - when you asked me out, I got so excited and I didn’t even think about where exactly we were going, but now we’re here… and I-I want to spend time with you, I just, I can’t go in there.” The last few words were the only things to come out coherently. I had spoken so quickly it made my head spin.

Ethan didn’t say anything at fired. I could see him looking at me through my peripherals, and it was daunting. But then he let out a relieved sigh, which made me look at him.

“I thought you were gonna say that you didn’t wanna go out with me,” he said, taking a deep breath. “Okay, so fuck The Tube. Where else should we go?”

“Wait, you’re not mad? Or annoyed?” I asked stupidly.

“Of course not, I understand,” he reassured. “I just want you to be comfortable.”

~

After calling several restaurants for availability and driving around the city, we settled for some random drive-thru and eating in the car. It wasn’t glamorous or ideal by any means, but at least we were having some time together. Being in the comfort of my car kept me calm as well, and I had an appetite to go with it.

“Oh, so have you listened to the songs I gave you?” Ethan asked me.

“That was from, like, a million years ago,” I said.

“But did you? I listened to yours?”

I was genuinely surprised by that. “You did?”

He nodded before taking a mouthful of fries.

Meanwhile, I was trying to fight off a smile. “Um… well, I did listen to yours. Let’s see, ‘She’ is my anthem. ‘Intertwined’ is… sweet and calming. ‘When’ fucked me up, and it’s probably my favorite.”

“Good, those are good ones,” he said. “I liked ‘Touch.’ Uh, the acoustic version, not so much the other one. I also really liked ‘The End’ and ‘Secret Love Song.’ They’re really talented.”

My heart was fluttering with every word. But there was still a shred of doubt in my mind that he was just saying that to be polite.

“Wait,” I said, deciding to test him. “Part one or part two?”

“Two,” he replied. “I cried a little, listening to it.”

“Really?” I was terrible at not sounding like a lovesick puppy. “It’s like, one of my favorite songs. I know it’s depressing as fuck, but it’s relatable.”

Ethan paused. “You’ve… been in a secret relationship?”

I chuckled. “Yes, but that’s not why I love that song.” Suddenly, I hesitated. You never stop coming out in life, but every time I had to made me nervous. “It’s an LGBTQ anthem, and I’m bisexual… and, it’s felts like I’ve always had to… hide it, I guess. Or, ignore it for the sake of the other person?”

He nodded, but had a confused look on his face. “What do you mean?”

Now I had to shift in my seat to properly explain this. “Basically, if I date a girl, people think I’m a lesbian. If I date a guy, they think I’m straight and I’m all but kicked out of the LGBTQ community.”

“Oh man, that sucks. You’re hiding apart of who you are, that has to be rough.”

“Yup. I try to fight it and correct people because…” I sighed. “I’m not ashamed of who I am…and there’s other people out there that need to see people be unapologetically bi.” I was about to go on another tangent, but I felt like this was getting too personal for a first date.

“That’s really nice,” Ethan said. “You want to be that for someone. I don’t know a whole lot about the LGBTQ community, but it’s really cool that you want to be… that.”

I nodded in response, taking a long sip of my drink. I didn’t expect him to know everything… Maybe I could educate him later on. That is, if he doesn’t think I’m insane or undateable. Or fragile. Oh god, did he think I was fragile?

Now that I was thinking about it, he hadn’t said anything about the intervention. We had been talking all night like normal people. Was he just being polite for my sake? Oh no, did he go out with me as a pick-me-up? Was I just a pity date?

Well, I was not going to tolerate that.

“We should be heading back,” I said, gathering my scraps and dumping them in the paper bag.

Ethan shifted in his seat, mildly surprised. “Okay…”

_______

next chapter

[fgjhgjk-blog]

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