#like thats the thing i dont even MIND ice puzzles in fact sometimes i actually really like them!!!

[moonsidesong]

man i was so excited to download puyo chronicle when i first hacked my 2ds since it never ran that well on our home pc with citra and it ran even worse on my laptop. but i didnt get that far into it for reasons that i assumed were just because i wasnt as into puyo anymore at the time. well. now im here again. and im realizing maybe this game just isnt very good

[moonlit-imagines]

Headcanons for being Hope van Dyne’s child

Hope van Dyne x child!reader

Scott Lang x stepkid!reader

warnings: insects (ants), sharp weapons

a/n:

prompt: anonymous: “Happy holidays darling! Would you write HC for Hope Van Dyne's child? Love the step-parents HC 🥰”

growing up as a lil smarty pants

grandpa hank was pretty proud, although he didn’t see you very much

once every few years

but he did tell you all these crazy stories about his adventures that you honestly thought were just fiction (until you were older)

“and i was as small as an ant, but i was still incredibly strong! remember that, kid. just because you aren’t as big as someone else doesn’t mean you can’t beat them” -hank

“y/n doesn’t need to be hearing those stories, hank” -hope

“why not? they have important life lessons in them!” -hank

“why does mommy call you ‘hank?’” -you

“because mommy hates grandpa, isn’t that right?” -hank

“okay, i think that’s enough of this visit. come on, y/n, time to go” -hope

your mom was very supportive of you, nonetheless

she wanted to be different from her dad

so she showed up to EVERYTHING

birthdays, sick days, tucking you in for bed, parent-teacher conferences, art shows, you name it

“here’s some tea, jellybelly. it’ll make your throat feel better” -hope

“mom, i think i’m dying” -you

“you’ll be fine” -hope, givin’ u a kiss on the forehead

life wasn’t like, extra crazy or anything. sometimes she’d bring you to work and honestly? darren cross didn’t seem like the worst guy. he even brought you whatever you might need if your mom was staying late at work

“hey, van dyne junior! i brought you a puzzle that might keep you busy for a while...and a happy meal from mcdonalds! let me know if you need anything else, me and your mom will just be in the lab for a little while” -darren

“thank you!!!” -you

uh huh, ur mom taught u manners!

anyways you started spending more time with your grandpa cuz they had a plan

thats when you found out that his “turning small” stories were not, in fact, bullshit

“wait grandpa...you actually did shrink as small as an ant?” -you

“why would i lie?” -hank

okay well cue you wanting to shrink down to ant size now it was your new aspiration

you did learn how to command ants tho!!!!!!

but unfortunately (or not so unfortunately) hank brought scott to the party

“hi!” -you, waking scott up

“what?!” -scott, jumping back against the headboard

“hi.” -you, staring at him “im y/n. these are my ants”

bullet ants were just crawlin around the place

“oh, that’s....that’s cool. any chance you could tell me where i am or how i got here” -scott

“wouldn’t you like to know, weather boy” -you, leaving abruptly

“are you bothering our guest?” -hope, watching you proudly nod “good job, jellybelly”

mom taught u how to punch 🥰🥰🥰

and let you use scott as a punching bag

but scott wasn’t like awful or anything he was just insufferable at times

“i think you’d like my daughter cassie. she’s weird and smart just like you” -scott

“did you just call me weird? mom, can i punch him again?” -you

“no no no! i meant weird in a good way! please dont hurt me anymore!” -scott

chasing him around the yard ready to ATTACK

hank had to tell u to cut it out

“dont tell them what to do” -hope

“someone has to” -hank

“excuse me? i parent y/n just fine, better than you ever did for me!” -hope

“do they do this often?” -scott

“every time they see each other but that’s not very much” -you

“hm...hey, do you like ice cream? specifically baskin robbins?” -scott

ur mom said “we do not associate with idiots ❤️” and then proceeded to associate with said idiots

scott did end up saving u from darren tho bc that mf tried to hold u hostage and scott was really not in the mood for that bullshit

“you alright, y/n?” -scott

“murder is okay, right?” -you

after that whole ordeal he and your mom were kinda a thing uh huh

and he introduced you to cassie!!! she was amazingly sweet and you could def see the family resemblance

“is this my new sibling?! i’ve always wanted one!” -cassie

“hey, me too!” -you

you hung out with her on a weekly basis, with or without scott

and mom and grandpa were working on a ✨special project✨

one you insisted on being apart of

“no, y/n, we can’t make you your own suit. you’re too young for this sort of thing” -hope

“pleaaaaase mom? i swear i’ll he responsible with it!” -you

“you’re mother is right, y/n. you’re just not ready yet. maybe someday, but not anytime soon” -hank

scott took you on family bowling trips yes he did

and just corny stepdad shit

but he went to germany and mom and him broke up and FF to two years later when you guys had finally reunited

“scott!! you asshole!!” -you, like this -> :)

“kiddo!! sorry to hear that!!” -scott, same energy

shading him the whole time

“ach mein gott” -you

“are you kidding me, y/n? i make one mistake. ONE” -scott

“you’re one mistake has caused me to live in MINIATURE HOMES” -you

“THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD THING” -scott

“WELL IT’S NOT” -you

“did you at least miss me?” -scott

“sicher habe ich” -you

“god dammit” -scott

surprise!! u kind of had a suit (for emergencies)

as a van dyne/pym, it was almost a necessity to know how to use pym particles

scott acted like a proud dad

“wow, you’re really doing it!!!” -scott

“halt die klappe” -you

“please stop” -scott, tearing up

finding out about ✨grandma✨

she possessed scott and touched ur face and told you that she was so excited to meet you but you didn’t know wtf was going on and you had the urge to smack scott but THANKFULLY you did not

“i have to meet her for real! let me help you guys!” -you

“okay” -hope

“what? really?” -you

“it’s about time we put your genius to good use” -hope

scott offered you a high five for that and u literally accepted it

“don’t get too happy, that was just an in-the-moment thing” -you, watching scott’s eyebrow raise “fine. you can have a hug”

okay okay well everything went okay and then half the world ~vanished~ including ur whole family but like cassie and her family took you in and you spent five years very alone and upset until one day cassie called you downstairs and whoopdedoo???? scott???????

“is my mom with you?” -you

“sorry, sport, she’s not...do you have your suit with you? we need to go on some...hero business” -scott

you missed scott a lot over the past 5 years, this really did cheer you up, even if it was just him

“how’ve you been holding up the past few years” -scott

“the world sucks, man” -you

“i can see that” -scott

he turned on some tunes for the two of you to enjoy otw to the avengers hq and it was probably the best memory you created since everyone disappeared

“wait, reach into the glove box” -scott

“oh, god, i hope there’s no rodents in here...” -you, reaching for a picture “is this..?”

“family photo!! you were little back then, i can’t believe how time flies. i mean, it flew really quick for me, the quantum realm is no joke” -scott

you were busy staring at the picture of your mom, you really missed her

busy ~saving the world~

and going to 2012 with scott

“hey uh just so you know, i might be able to make pym particles” -you

“‘might?’ and if we use faulty pym particles we ‘might’ die. would you like that?” -tony

“hey, back off, stark. they’re just trying to help” -scott

next thing u know ur in present day and THEN u actually got to hold the scepter bc scott let u

“im gonna stab you!!” -you

“no!!!” -scott

the other avengers, literally mourning natasha while you chase him around with a sharp weapon: 😧

okay after the place was destroyed u got to face mr. purple man and yo mama showed back up and saw you on the front lines

“y/n????” -hope

“mom????” -you

“scott!!!!” -scott

“really, scott? a shrek reference? now?” -you “...nice”

the reunion with your mom was short and sweet but you missed her forehead kisses and she gave you one immediately!!!! and she was crying but you were too bc damn

“listen, after this, we’re gonna have such a fun family night. i’m so sorry i couldn’t be there for you all this time” -hope

“mom, it wasn’t your fault...it was that purple bastard, let’s get him!” -you

“they grow up so fast...” -hope

i n s e c t f a m

insect fam killed it out there and then ✨attended tony’s funeral✨ together right after

that’s one solid family 😌💖

anyways time to celebrate a (halfway) return to normalcy

with your *sister* cassie and your mom and your...scott

you were just happy to all be together again, it’s been WAY too long

taglist: @alwaysananglophile // @rorybutnotgilmore // @locke-writes // @sweetheartliz07 // @queen-destenie // @natasha-danvers // @lokihiddles // @frostedficrecs // @lotsoffandomrecs // @johnmurphyisqueer // @teenwaywardasgardian // @pappydaddy // @captainshazamerica // @freya-xo // @ravenmoore14 // @thisetaernallove // @ofthedewthesunlight // @canarypoint // @zoeyserpentluck // @randomawesomeperson102 // @spideyandtheboys // @ghost-bich // @wonderful-writer // @of-a-chaotic-mind // @groovyfluxie // @procrastinatingsapphictrash // @lxncelot //

[shuatoyou]

unfortunate situations.

pairing; joshua x idol!reader

genre; angst? fluff? 

warnings; slight mentions of injuries i.e bruising

wc; 2400

if joshua had to pick out one of his biggest enemies in the industry… it would be you.

since the day you two began training together the boy always had an issue with you and it was the same vice versa.

“joshua, when are you and y/n going to get over your petty little fight from literally years ago?” seungcheol asked as you walked past the seventeen boys in the company building waving at them all, joshua glared directly at you making you stop and roll your eyes all the boys awkwardly waited for the tension to pass.

“never.” he spoke with venom in his tone, almost making seungcheol shiver.

you all watched him walk off to the elevator where he got on without making any further eye contact and everyone quickly turned back to you giving you sympathetic looks but you couldn't care less.

what had happened in the past to bring you guys to this point was actually pretty easy to explain, during your trainee days with seventeen and your own group you had accidentally let out a laugh while joshua performed for his progress check, the boy had gotten angry at you for teasing him however what he didn't know was you were not actually laughing at him, and at your group mate for telling you she forgot her lines.

joshua refused to listen no matter how many times the boys had told him the actual story, he wasn't ready to let go of his grudge nor his pride so due to this the two of you swore to be enemies for as long as time even if it meant the two groups would suffer along with their members.

you sulked your way back to the dorms, you hated how he always singled you out like that and gave you dirty looks.

“at least i have the mind to not do any of that when others are around.” you mutter to yourself as you open the door taking out your frustration on it when you slam the door.

“y/n is that you?” calls out your leader, mira.

“yep.” you call back out in response making your way to your room and flopping onto your bed face first.

“whats wrong?” she asks, picking up the bag you had dropped by the doorway, a motherly instinct from her because she was always cleaning up behind you.

“take a guess” 

“joshua?” 

“don't even say that demon's name.” you moan making her chuckle.

“well whatever it is, don't worry about it. now come, we ordered food. let's have a night for ourselves and some movies.

you get up at her words deciding to join them instead of sulking in your room all alone

“i'll be down in a sec” you notify her, taking a the moment to rub off your makeup and get into comfier clothes.

throughout the movie, you find yourself occasionally thinking of joshua and you sit there puzzled on why he was running through your mind like crazy, you groan holding your head in your hands causing everyone to divert their attention from the movie to you.

“is everything okay y/n?”

“why won't he just leave me alone.” you rant and everyone stares at you with wide eyes before bursting out into laughter.

“is this seriously what you're thinking about during a movie night?” they ask. you end up looking at them all with a pained look.

“well.” one of your members drag on teasingly.

“why are you even thinking about someone you hate so much?”

“its cause i hate him so much... duh?”

“i dont think thats how hate works, y/n” she chuckles, throwing a fry at you to annoy you even further, you were ready to throw one back but the ringing of the door bell spooked you all.

“i’ll get it” you stood up to walk to the door and check through the peephole to make sure it wasn't a dangerous stranger however the person you catch a glimpse of makes you roll your eyes.

“what do you want” you spit once the door is opened and joshua is standing in front of you, much closer than you would like.

“you could be a bit nicer” he says with the same sarcasm he always uses when speaking to you.

“i could but it's you so no i don't think i will.” you fake smile to annoy him and it works because he screws up his face with furrowed brows.

“okay whatever, can you tell your leader to come here? i have to tell her something.”

“what is it?”

“well i'm not going to tell you because frankly i don't want to talk to you any further.” he sighs, leaning on the door frame.

“mmm, well you’re not exactly fun either so just tell me and i’ll pass on the message, mr hong.” you mimic his actions and lean on the door frame also.

he pushes himself off the door frame as you do that, “just tell her to come to practice room four at ten am.” with that the boy turns around and walks away.

you watch him leave, confused on why he would want to meet your leader so early, your thinking comes to an end when a voice interrupts the questions running through your mind.

“who was it y/n?” mira asks as she approaches you in the hallway.

“joshua, he said meet him in practice room four at 10” you tell her nonchalantly before going to your room instead of the living room to continue your movie night with the excuse of being worn out from the day.

everyone nods and a series of goodnights are said as you close your door and tuck yourself away into your bed for the night while wishing your thoughts would shut up and stop thinking about the boy you were supposed to hate.

the next day began later than usual for you, barely managing to get yourself out of bed by noon you waddled over to your bathroom and got into comfy clothes you could live in for the day.

since there wasn't any official schedule today, you were originally planning on grabbing one of the performance team members (most likely soonyoung because you guys were the closest) and having a dance session. thankfully he agreed to meet you in an hour and you now had an hour to spare all alone in the company somewhere.

you booked out the practice room at the front desk and skipped over happily to it, opening the door you expected to be met with your own reflection in the mirrors but instead were met with joshua sat in the corner wincing as he held his ankle and you immediately assumed he was in pain.

your eyes widened for a second as you thought about whether you should help, not that you wouldn't but it was him and you were scared of his reaction. despite making up the cons in your head you still rushed over to him making him glance up but once he realised who you were his face somehow relaxed more but the pain was still evident in the way he scrunched up his face.

“what did you do?” you ask kneeling beside him trying to remove his hands from his ankle which was very red and bruised.

“i don't know, must've strained it” he hissed in pain and it only made you worry more.

“oh god, do i call someone?” you look around in panic wishing someone would coincidentally come in and show you the way in this situation.

“no shit y/n, call for one the boys. my phones in my bag over there.”

you nod and swiftly make your way over to the bag, browsing through it until you find joshua's phone and return back beside him.

“what's your password?”

“my birthday” he answers and you quickly type away the digits of the said day pressing the first contact you see which belongs to jun.

unfortunately jun tells you he and the other boys are currently not at the company which makes you wonder how comes since you were meant to meet soonyoung in the first place. nevertheless you sigh trying to explain how joshua was injured.

“try getting him up to our dorms, i'll call our manager over and make my own way.”

you looked at joshua with pity explaining the situation and he nodded immediately trying to stand up off the floor but you stopped him immediately.

“you can't just put all that pressure on your foot!” you emphasise causing joshua to look at you in confusion. you look for something before turning back to him. “here it's the closest thing i have to ice right now if it’s helpful” you offer your ice cold bottle of water you had prepared for one of your breaks, he hesitantly accepts it giving you a slight nod through the pain as a thank you.

“we’ll wait for a moment then i’ll help you back to your dorm.” you offer, relaxing for a bit as the exhaustion from all the previous panicking sets in.

“you know you don't need to do all this, i can just call my manager.”

“it's fine, i'd much rather be sure you’re okay” you blurt out without realising until joshua looks at you, his gaze softened but you refused to meet his eyes so you were unknown to this.

“i'm meant to hate you, stop making my job harder than it already is.” he jokes with an awkward laugh, but the words seem to directly go to your heart because it starts thumping and it takes you everything not to bring your hand up to your chest in case he realises.

“really? you make it seem pretty easy either way” you retort, thinking back to all the times he’d react badly at everything you did even if it was unprovoked.

“does it bother you?” he asked with a genuine tone, making you turn to him.

“sometimes, i feel like it bothers me less because i channel a ton of hate towards you now.” you admit with some shame.

he hums, not answering anymore, instead he gives back the water bottle and attempts to stand up one more time only this time succeeding since you didnt stop him.

“i think i'm okay to go now,” he smiles forcefully.

you were puzzled but refused to think much of it, you were sick of him occupying your thoughts more than he needed to.

joshua held onto you the entire way, after all you had offered to help before and this counted as helping. he looked down at you a few times feeling bad you were struggling to carry his weight. you paid no mind to his frequent looks especially as you struggle to divert your conscious from the fact he was closer to you than he had been in years.

it was a weird sight to see and thankfully only seungkwan and dokyeom watched from afar as their two friends walked back up to their dorms.

“i know i didn't just see y/n helping joshua.'' seungkwan gasps, hitting seokmin to make him look over at the two who only stare in shock.

you never expected to stay longer than maybe ten minutes helping joshua adjust and find comfort till everyone else came home.

maybe it was the fact you decided to prepare a quick fix of ramen for the two of you as you spoke about your worst encounters with the boy, dare you say the two of you bonded for the first time ever as joshua spread his legs onto the coffee table and you sat near him on the couch.

“honestly i think i was more afraid of ruining my pride that's why” joshua confesses while bursting into a laughing fit.

“you made my life hell for so long honestly even seungcheol was worried” you laugh along with him.

“okay but you weren't any better y/n.”

“you deserved it.” you subtly remind him after all he was the one who started this enemy thing between you two.

“mmm, i did. i'm sorry.” he goes quieter at the apology and for a moment you both lock eyes in silence.

“do you mean that?” you mutter, playing around with your ramen. you were nervous to hear his next few words and started regretting the fact you had sat right beside him on the couch with just a pillow separating you two.

“why not. i'm tired of acting like im so angry at you when in reality i just want to get to know you again and stop with this whole enemy act.'' joshua runs his hand through his hair just as you look up, a simple act that you never realised how effective it was.

“i’d like that too.” you smile, setting down your plate of food. for the first time in ages a genuine smile directed to the boy as you both resolve your issues.

“FINALLY!” seungkwan runs in shouting with seokmin yelling close behind him and you jump in fear and at the sigh of them.

“thank fuck i dont have to listen to another argument ever again.” seungkwan breathes out.

“where did you two even come out from?”

“oh my sweet joshua, it's 2020 we can teleport now.” seokmin states in a matter-of factly way and seungkwan agrees with the boy, nodding enthusiastically.

joshua laughs at them two while you’re still trying to recover from the moment with him and from the scare.

“okay… well i'm gonna go back to the company.” you stand up stretching, hoping to conclude the day with a dance practice session.

“where are you going?” joshua asks and the two other boys look at you just as curious.

“well, i wanted to practice which was what i intended to do in the first place” you think for a second before continuing...

“with soonyoung actually does anyone know where he is?” you wonder, mostly questioning the two members of booseoksoon.

“we know nothing dont look at us.” seungkwan puts his hands up surrendering.

“now that you mention it, I was meant to meet mira too...” joshua pipes in

“hmm weird.” you mumble.

“anyways im going to go now, feel better!” you beamed towards Joshua, as well as not forgetting to wave a ‘bye’ at the other two.

you walked over to the practice rooms feeling giddy at no particular thing but it was obvious you were happy about being on good terms with joshua.

“speak of the devil” you thought to yourself as you opened your phone to a text from the unknown number that you were sure had gotten yours from seungkwan.

‘can i treat you to dinner on a day where both my legs are perfectly functional?’

your cheeks go red at the sight of the message as you type an obvious answer back.

‘of course.’

[a-goddessofmischief]

My grandfather passed away on December 1st last year. 11 days before my birthday. We weren’t as close anymore as we used to be but we were still very close.

For a little background, I grew up without my biological father. He left when I was very young and I’ve never seen him. It kind of got harder when I was in school because people would pick on me. It also didnt help that I called my grandfather “Dad”. Thats just what everyone else called him when I was growing up so thats what I called him.

It was very sudden. He had a heart attack, which the doctor didn’t realize that he had one until something happened. I cant remember if he had another heart attack or if his defribulator kept going off but they put him in a chemical induced coma without our consent. It was his only option to keep him alive though. That was followed by four of the longest days of my life. I don’t remember eating or showering. We barely slept. One minute he was going to be released and the next everything went black.

The day he was supposed to be taken to another hospital was the day he passed. His heart just kept failing him and there was no way they could’ve moved him. We were called in at 4 am, and if I thought the four days prior were long, those last five hours he lived were an eternity.

We weren’t sure how long he had left that morning. He already had to be revived twice when the nurse called us. So there wasnt a minute to spare and the only way in our local hospital to the ICU was from the ER which was on the other side. The parking sucks on the ER side so my mom pulled up and told me that I had to run to him. I took off my sweater, held my phone, and tightened my laces. The moment the car slowed down I jumped out. I held my phone in my hand and ran. The hospital is huge and there were so many halls. I had never been through the hospital this way so i was trying my best to think and pay attention to where i was.

My phone rang and i didnt look to see who it was. It was my aunt. She was driving and trying to come to the hospital. She was crying and trying to hold it together. I kept telling her to breathe and to mind the road. She seemed to understand and as soon as I got her calm i found myself in front of the ICU door. Theres only one door and it has a lock that cant be opened from the outside. There was always another nurse in front to push the button to open the door but she wasnt there. I didnt know if my grandpa was still alive or not. I couldnt be on the phone with my aunt if he was gone. I told her i had to hang up and she screamed.

That sound haunts me. I told her to breathe and that I find her and drag her here if i had to. But she had to make it here. She responded in a shaky voice an answer I will never forget. “Meg, tell him that if he has to go that we’ll be okay. Its okay for him to go.” I hung up. Determined more than ever before to get through that damn door. I banged on it with both my fists and shouted but no one from the other side approached the door. I turned and saw a janitor and begged him to open the door. He stared at me for a second.

My unbrushed hair, wrinkled jeans and grey thermal top, my eyes red and burning. I felt myself shaking from my head to my toes from shock. He went over and hit the button to open the door. I ran down the hall and I only screamed one word.

“DADDY!”

i skidded to a halt in front of the door to his room. There was a large group of nurses and paramedics blocking my way. A nurse came forward to hug me but i peeled myself away and walked through the door.

His heart was beating still. He was so still. Looked like he was taking a nap if there hadnt been a balloon in his chest and tubes coming from his throat.

The nurse was talking, I have no clue what she said. But i turned and saw my mom and thats when I remembered how close my aunt was. Mom stayed as I ran back down the hallways, i got to the door as soon as my aunt did. We ran all the way back, i knew the way now and the nurses were waiting holding it open for us.

So much happened. We surrounded him for several minutes begging him to hang on when his monitor stopped. They pulled us out of the room and took us down a hallway. My mom stayed by his door but my aunt went from hysterical to defeated.

My calm and cool and never panic aunt was breaking in front of me. She kept talking to herself about everything she did wrong. She was blaming herself. She shouldve stayed overnight, she shouldve done this and that.

She slumped against a wall and sank to the floor. She kept shaking her head and blaming herself.

My mother was doing the same thing two days before. Almost exactly word for word. It blows me away sometimes how similar they are.

I kneeled in front of her and held her head in my hands. I tried to get her to look at me but she kept her eyes closed. “Listen to me. I know you’re tired and I know this us hard. But we’re going to fight. We’re going to keep fighting because thats how we were raised. Thats how Dad raised us. And you’re not gonna blame yourself, its not your fault. You have to stop saying tgat because my mom is blaming herself too.” She opened her eyes and it seemed like she was seeing me for the first time. The nurse came over and told us he was with us and she jumped up and ran to my mom’s side. They were twin pillars, holding my world together as it came crashing around us. They left for a few minutes to make calls to his siblings to come to him. I was alone with him. Holding his hand and watching his face, brushing his hair back. The nurses and paramedics left the room. I was alone with him. I had so much to say but i didnt know how long I had to say it. Just the day before I was alone with him again and had begged him to hold on for us because I had forgotten how to change a tire and who was going to teach my cousin Lee if he left us? Who was going to raise his chickens? Buy laptops every time they updated? Get ice cream treats? Who could possibly do the things he did. In that moment, I figured out my answer. “Dad. I promised you when Ashley’s kids were born that I would watch over them when you couldn’t. I promise to watch over them and teach them everything you taught me. I promise to be there for grandma and mom and ashley. I promise to do everything I can for them, Dad. If you have to go, i just need you to know that I was the luckiest girl to have you as my grandpa. I don’t want you to go, but I know you have to. I love you so much Daddy.“ My mom and aunt came back at that point and started making calls to hold the phone up to his ear so our family who was too far could at least tell him good bye. I started blabbering. Talking about stories about him. Our adventures on road trips or at work or this and that. After awhile I started to hear how desperate I sounded. I kissed his forehead for the last time and ran out. My boyfriend had come and i collapsed in his arms sobbing and telling him how I couldn’t stand that damn heart monitor sound any longer. He hugged me and sat me down and soothed me till I could at least breathe at a somewhat normal pace. Then he went back to the room. I was in the hall crying and trying to maintain some composure. He came back a couple minutes later and took me to the waiting room where we sat for the next hour. He talked at times but I dont remember what he said. I justed stared at the off white linoleum. The next few hours are kind of a blur of a couple family members coming up to me and other people rushing past but i couldn’t register anything until my mother came out and told me he was gone. She put her car keys in my hand and said something about paperwork. My boyfriend walked me out the same hallway I ran through. The sun had risen but I didnt know what time it was. The car seemed to get further away. Each step weighed me down morethan the last. It felt like everything was moving in fast forward except me. I stopped and started screaming. My boyfriend held me and i sobbed and hung onto him as my knees gave out. I felt like my world had come crumbling down and screaming was the only thing that I had control over. I stopped eventually and went back inside to give my mom her keys back. My boyfriend gave me a ride home and for the next week, me and mom stayed at my grandmas and just cried and slept. And now, roughly 9 months later, it doesn’t feel like anything is actually easier. I still have moments where I feel like theres a boulder on my chest and it takes every ounce of energy just to swallow a bite of food. The only thing that keeps me going is my promise. Even though the pain is constant, it feels lessened when I take care of my family and other people. I don’t normally post this kind of stuff. I just have these feelings sometimes that things don’t feel whole since I can’t share them with my grandpa. It’s like having a puzzle but youre missing the piece that finishes the picture. Every single day is a battle. A battle with my depression, a battle with the fact that hes gone, my family is smaller without him. I never told anyone what happened from my own perspective. No one asked me how I felt or what I did. Not a lot of people know I was there that morning. My grandpa wasn’t a celebrity or anything close to it, but he was to me. It was suggested to me that I write what happened and at least then its out in the open and not trapped inside my head playing over and over again. I’m not doing this for notes or attention. Just to feel a tiny bit free from my overwhelming grief. At least its a step toward moving on. Thank you for reading.