#like thats already making me sorta sad and idk i just feel like that job would be soooo perfect for me

[lixbf]

why am i more nervous now that the place where i applied for a job said theyll send me an email response within the week than i was when i originally applied for the job

[sup-hoes-its-me]

Adore You (Yamato x Reader)

A/N: hi guys. Yamato is your secret admirer and you are desperate to find out who's been leaving all these gifts at your doorstep. Civilian reader. Will be two parts, and since i just found out i have the coronavirus and cant leave the house, i’ll be putting out the second part very soon.

Ps i headcanon that yamato would be very shy and awkward with his crush. i also think that when he is nervous he definitely has really sweaty hands. idk thats just the vibe i get from him lol. please enjoy.

Word count: 4500

Y/N walked down the street after a long day of working in the bakery, kneading dough and icing cakes and sweets. It was a great job, and she really enjoyed the company of the two elderly owners. In her arms was another small picnic basket filled with sourdoughs and garlic loaves and cinnamon raisin buns. Those leftovers served as her breakfast, lunch, and dinner most days and it saved a lot of money on groceries.

Sometimes, she gifted the bread to friends and family though, like tonight.

As she walked the bustling streets, people walking home from work for the night, she noticed a couple of familiar faces sitting in the windows of a nearby restaurant. Feeling a little social, she walked into the restaurant and turned the corner, walking through the tables and past other booths full of people talking and drinking. It was busy tonight in Konoha, everyone getting ready for the weekend.

She came to a stop beside their table, and shifted so her basket rested in the slight curve of her hip. With her free hand she waved to the men, a small smile gracing her lips.

“Kakashi, Yamato,” she chirped, “I saw you guys in the window on my way home from work and thought I’d stop in to say hello.”

“Y/N. What a pleasant surprise.” Kakashi hummed, peering over his glass of golden liquid at his friend, who he could tell was struggling to figure out what to say or do. Yamato wasn’t normally nervous; he was very cool headed. How else would he become such an important Anbu member? But around Y/N, this woman with flour dusted in her hair and the smell of cinnamon and chocolate on her clothes, he crumbled. Just that smell alone could make Yamato lose his composure. And Kakashi knew that very well. “As a matter of fact, we were just talking about you.”

Yamato coughed on his drink, covering his mouth with his arm to keep from spitting up on the table. Even if they were just talking about her, it was completely uncalled for for Kakashi to stab him in the back like that. He turned to face the young woman who looked down at him with curiosity in her eyes.

“Really? What about?” she questioned, raising a brow.

He averted his eyes to the table again where his hand rested clutching at the glass. “We were just discussing the bakery,” he explained sheepishly, a hand going to rub the back of his neck. He felt the stress coming on, and sweat was beginning to gather on his palms. He felt ill, and more importantly, upset with the friend sitting directly across from him, smirking under that damn mask.

What an evil bastard.

“Mind if I join you guys? I could definitely use a drink.” She motioned to the seat next to Yamato, and he scooted closer to the wall to make room for her. She made sure her basket was sealed and secure before reaching over the table to Kakashi. “Can you sit this next to you? I don’t wanna take up the whole table.”

“No problem.”

She slid into the seat beside Yamato, and he realized just how small their table really was. The chair was clearly made for one person, or maybe two small people. They were just inches away. He could literally feel the heat of her thigh beside his. He was losing his mind, he was sure of it. There was absolutely no reason to act or think this way just because of a woman, a little baker from the village. No reason. It was inappropriate.

He took a deep breath and sipped on his drink. Everything was cool. Y/N L/N was cool.

“What kind of goods are you bringing home tonight?” Yamato asked calmly.

“Uh, lets see. A sourdough loaf and a garlic rosemary loaf. Also, I have about eight cinnamon buns in there,” she listed off the top of her head, “Why? You wanna take some home with you, because that’s fine. I’m not gonna eat all of it.”

“No, not this time.”

“You, Kakashi?”

“Yeah, I’ll take whatever.” It was a free meal for the next day? How could he say no to that?

The waitress came around, and Y/N ordered a tall glass of some sweet drink, something she knew wouldn’t taste like shit but would get her all warm and cozy quick, fruit juice covering up the taste of poison. “So, what were you guys talking about before I came around? I didn’t mean to interrupt you.”

“It’s good you came around, actually. We could use a woman’s opinion here.” Yamato glared at Kakashi, pleading with everything he had for the copy nin to just leave it alone. Kakashi was set in his goals though, and pushed forward with what he was saying. “It’s about Tenzo.”

An even brighter smile grew on her lips, one full of mischief and curiosity. “Oohoho? I see. What’s got you men stuck?” She loved to gossip, it was just something so interesting in her mundane life. Surely, it wasn’t as interesting to shinobi who almost die all the time and always have something to do, but for a village girl who goes home every night to read and eat bread, and then go to work where she just makes and sells said bread, a bit of juicy personal information really intrigued her.

“It’s honestly not a big deal-”

“Our boy here, he’s got a crush.”

Her eyes widened and suddenly, she felt the urge to down even more of her drink. He was interested in someone? She never expected that. He was always so quiet and calm, and kept to himself. He didn’t seem like the type to ever care about someone in that way. She sighed, taking a long sip on her drink, which tasted like peaches and oranges. At least it was sweet enough to help her curb the impending sadness.

Maybe she was stupid for it, but she cared for Yamato. He was such a sweet and kind man, so earnest and gentle. He was everything good about her mornings, when he would walk in and ask for the same hot cross bun to start his day. He would smile and compliment the cake decorating she was working on, and tell her about his missions and what he had to do for the day.

Perhaps Y/N had the tiniest of crushes on Yamato. It was something she would never reveal to anyone else, but it was true. She couldn’t deny herself that fact.

Kakashi stared at the woman, gauging her reaction to the statement. From the way she immediately went to sip away half of the drink in her glass, and the way her shoulders curled in on themselves, he could guess how she was feeling. He wasn’t usually a fan of meddling in other people’s business, but he was beginning to feel tired of Yamato complaining day in and day out about how he could never get the girl or express his feelings. He was afraid of rejection, as sad as that might be.

He was just there to give them a push in the right direction.

“I see.”

“What do you think he should do? What do the civilian girls like?”

This crush was just another civilian. It would be one thing if he fell in love with a kunoichi, someone she would never be able to compete with, but the thought of him choosing another normal woman over her, the envy practically oozed from her pores. What did this other girl have that Y/N didn’t?

Y/N ordered another drink when the waitress walked by. And then another after she drank the second one. Might as well get more down and drown out these jealous thoughts.

Meanwhile, she listed off things that random women normally like when men do for them, things she didn't really care about like chocolates and asking them out to dinner and giving them stuffed animals. Boring things. Things they all already knew. Kakashi agreed that the advice was kinda bland, and he could have come up with that easily.

Yamato eyed her down nervously as she practically chugged the rest of her drink. The woman wasn’t a big drinker, just a couple innocent cocktails here or there, never with the intention of getting drunk.

“You okay, Y/N?”

“Yes, I’m perfectly fine,” she told him smoothly. “Anyway, I’m not done telling you all about us village girls.”

The third drink came by and she sighed, taking another long sip. At least it tasted good, that made it easy to drink and drink and drink.

“Maybe you should slow down.”

“Maybe you should worry about yourself. I’m grown. I can handle myself, Yamato.” He felt a pang in his chest at her sharp words, ones that he’d never really heard directed toward him. She scolded Kakashi on the daily for being a pervert, but only kind words met Yamato’s ears previously. “Anyway, about this girl. Have you tried getting her anything as a gift? The things I listed before? Love notes? That sorta thing?”

He shook his head. “Well, no. I haven’t tried anything yet.”

“That’s the thing about you, Tenzo. You’re so modest. If you want the girl, you need to go in and get her. You need to show her what she means to you, since you can’t bring yourself to just outright tell her.”

“The whole bold displays of affection aren’t my thing.”

She hummed, her head lolling from side to side as she twirled the straw of her drink in between her fingers. “Maybe you should try some roundabout approach since you’re so scared of rejection. Send her anonymous letters and gifts, give her little clues that it’s you and see how she reacts.”

“Like a secret admirer?"

“Exactly! That’s sooo romantic. I wish some guy would do that shit for me.”

Kakashi raised a brow. “Oh, really?”

“Of course. I’m almost 27 and I’ve never had a long lasting relationship. I just want some guy to really, I don’t know, just love me. Love who I am, not hook up with me for my body or-or only pretend to like me for coupons on bread,” she complained, quite loudly as well. “Fuck those guys and their bread discounts...”

“Y/N-”

“I’d suggest you do something like that for your crush. Make her feel like you really care about her mind and soul.” Y/N clutched her hand over her heart and squeezed the front of her dress. “So many men nowadays act like horny teenagers, and us ladies are sick of it.”

She really did not need to go into such detail, and Yamato could tell she was drinking too much. Y/N would never say these things aloud if she were completely in her right mind. He felt rude just sitting there letting her rant on and on, exposing her own feelings to the table. But at the same time, he was grateful to know what she wanted in a lover. She never really let on what her romantic life was like, other than single for the most part.

That is what he and Kakashi were discussing before she came around. He was desperate to sweep her off her feet and woo her, to make revealing his feelings easier. Kakashi told him to just go to the bakery and tell her right then and there, but that was just too bold. He wasn’t going to go in without a plan, it was irrational.

“Yamato, I’m telling you, if this woman rejects you, she’s fucking stupid. You’re a catch. You and Kashi over there, both of you could get any woman you want, and that’s a fact.” the woman waved her hand to emphasize her point, only to knock the rest of her fourth drink over into her lap, sticky syrup soaking into her apron and through to her skirt. “Oh man.”

“I think it’s time for you to head home, little miss Y/N,” Kakashi chimed in, “This is exactly why we don’t bring you to bars, you know.”

“Shush. I am fine.”

Yamato sighed, motioning with his hands for her to move to the edge of the seat. He rolled his eyes at her words, knowing she was talking out the ass. “Yeah, yeah. Just get up, Y/N. I’m taking you home.”

Both men were surprised when she lifted her hand and pushed him away from her. Her glare was intense, anger behind those eyes. “No! Not you. I want Kakashi to walk me home.” The man was taken aback by the harshness in her tone. She was normally calm tempered, but her head was spinning and she was obviously growing moody.

“That’s fine by me. Yamato, you’ll pick up the bill for us and uh, clean this mess, right?” Kakashi smirked as he slid out from the booth and picked up her bag of baked goods. She followed suit, climbing out of her seat and grabbing onto the shinobi’s arm tightly. He really couldn’t care any less about her nonsense. It had been so long since they became friends, he’d seen her in every mood imaginable, and much drunker than this. He’s walked her home more than a few times in their past years.

“Curse you, cheap-ass.”

“Gotta go.”

With that, the white haired man walked out the restaurant with a woman in tow. They lived in the same direction, so he started down the street as she stumbled after him, tripping occasionally on pebbles. He felt bad for his friend, really. But the answer was clear as day now. Y/N cared for Yamato a lot more than she let on. It was just up to one of them to make a move. He couldn't do everything for them.

She tripped along beside him, letting her head fall against his shoulder a few times. Her eyes slid up to the man’s masked face, and he felt her hands begin to quiver a bit around his arm, just a tiny bit, but it was still there. Those little, very-telling, tremors.

“What’s wrong, Y/N?” he asked gently, knowing she would immediately spill whatever was stuck on her mind.

“Kashi, why does Tenzo want some other village girl?” she questioned, her cheeks puffing out and her eyes getting watery with tears. “Why doesn’t he want me? I want him so badly, it hurts right here.” she placed her free hand over her stomach and gagged. “I might throw up, it hurts so much.”

“Trust me, it’s gonna be okay,” he hushed, a tiny smile on his lips. He didn’t want to reveal too much to her, but it was just so amusing pulling the strings like this. Two of his friends, one a subordinate and the other a sneaky baker, falling for each other right in front of him. With all the work piling up, this was definitely a refreshing take.

“Also, you shouldn't throw up. It'll burn your throat, you know.”

She nodded, and just clutched onto her stomach as they made their way down the narrow alleyways toward her small apartment. He unlocked the door for her when she struggled to fit the key into the tiny hole that blurred together with everything else. He was a good friend, she thought, and made a mental note to thank him next time she saw him. Well, she tried to make a mental note, but when her body hit the mattress in the corner of her small studio, she found herself drifting away.

__________

God, her head hurt so badly she thought her skull was cracking open right then and there, as she lifted her head from her pillow. Light shined in through the window only to make things worse than before. She looked around the room and noticed that her coat was hung up properly on the hook and her shoes were sitting by the door. Her basket rested atop her counter.

Most importantly, on her nightstand sat a glass of water and a couple pills, ready for her to take the moment she woke up. Kakashi or Yamato must have walked her home and put her to bed. They were very nice men, she enjoyed having them as friends, she just worried she had made a drunken fool of herself last night in front of them. She rarely drank heavily, for that reason. She couldn’t even remember what happened, just that she met them at the restaurant and then the rest fell empty in her mind, little images blending together until she couldn’t decipher a thing that happened. She was more than ashamed.

How could she lose control of herself so casually, she wondered. She never even wanted to drink, much less enough to give her this searing headache. Something must have happened last night that influenced her decisions. Maybe she had a drinking contest with Kakashi like that one time before. If so, that was completely uncalled for on the man’s part. He knew her tolerance.

Nevertheless, she needed to get ready for work. A hangover wasn’t enough to heed the workings of the bakery.

She took the pills, and threw off her covers, walking over to her counter to take out one of the cinnamon rolls, taking a big bite to curb her hunger pains. After taking a moment to compose herself, she got ready for work. If she was late, she knew the owners would be forgiving, but she still felt bad regardless. She was going to walk in looking like a complete disaster.

As she headed out her door that morning, she stumbled on something sitting right at the foot of her doorstep on the welcome mat. Resting there, in a tiny little ceramic pot, stood a bonsai tree, trimmed and cared for perfectly. Her eyes scanned the area for who could have set it there, but met only empty space.

Hesitantly, she picked it up and brought it into her home. There was no note attached, nothing to signal who’d given it to her. Just a little tree that she would put on her window sill. It was strange, she had to admit that, to receive an anonymous gift at such an hour. She’d have to ask her friends about it later on to see if one of them had given it to her, for reasons she didn’t know.

But as the days went by, and those days turned into weeks, she continued to receive gifts every few days. More tiny trees in pots, sometimes flowers in little glass vases. None of them at first had anything attached until the most recent piece which when she picked it up to take into her home, a folded piece of paper sat beneath the vase. She made sure to pick it and put it in her apron to read on her break when she went to work. She didn’t have the time when she woke up only about 20 minutes before she was due at her job.

She was more than grateful for the little garden she was accumulating on her window sill, the beautiful flowers and trees somehow surviving despite her little knowledge of taking care of them. She stopped by a flower store in town to get some fertilizer just to keep them alive. It would be a shame if they died since someone was being so kind as to give them to her.

With her boring life, the flowers brought a smile to her face and a warmth in her heart that she hadn’t felt before. Regardless of who was leaving the items there, she felt like she was important to someone. Some person was taking time out of their day to show they cared about her.

Truthfully, she’d be lying if she said she hadn’t wished it was Yamato leaving her gifts. She’d been attracted to the man for quite some time, ever since they met really. He was just so strong and brave, and awkward in a cute kind of way. He was truly the only man of her affections, and she could only dream she was the object of his as well.

It was more than unlikely though. He was a strong ninja of the leaf. The chances of someone that amazing wanting to be with someone as simple as the town baker were lower than she wanted to admit. He most likely had his eyes set on some gorgeous kunoichi like Shizune or Kurenai. Someone he could relate to, really.

It was embarrassing to even admit she had a crush on him. It made her feel so tiny and weak, knowing that she wasn’t his ideal.

So she pushed that thought from her mind. Yamato would never be interested in her, and he most certainly not the one leaving her little notes and plants.

What she did know was that this person was a shinobi. Maybe not Yamato, but they were definitely a shinobi. She set up a trap, at least one she thought a normal person would fall for. Right before her door, she set up a tiny trip wire made of floss at the perfect level for someone to pull loose when they walked up to leave a gift on her welcome mat. Her room was at the very end of the hallway, so there was no way anyone else except her secret admirer was the one to set off the trap. Any normal person without the high perception of a shinobi would set off the trap and she would be able to narrow down the results to a civilian.

Only, the morning after she set up the trip wire, when she opened her door, there sat another bouquet of flowers, as well as an untripped strip of floss.

This person had to be a shinobi. She concluded. It was the only explanation in her mind, desperate to find out who the mystery person was all this time.

As she walked the streets that afternoon after the store had closed, her eyes honed in on Yamato, who stood next to a vegetable stand picking up some groceries. Immediately, she turned on her heel and cornered him between the squash and the sweet potatoes.

“Yamato, I need to talk to you. It’s urgent. Do you mind?” she practically demanded, and his eyes widened. He did not expect such an abrupt conversation between them. He shifted awkwardly to rest his grocery bag in the crook of his elbow and lean on his left side, arms crossed over his chest.

He knew what she wanted to talk about. It was about those gifts that he had been giving her. It was just a matter of whether she had figured out it was him or not, that was the question. He was kinda hoping she didn’t know yet. He was not ready to face what came after the reveal, rejection or otherwise. He really hadn’t thought it that far out yet. How could he. Just thinking up love notes and what plants to give her next was more than enough to worry about.

But damn, when he looked down at her, hair dusted with flour from a days work, a smudge of cake batter still on her forearm, apron a complete mess, he wanted to cave and tell her everything. She was just so beautiful, so clumsily perfect he couldn’t help but lose his train of thought. He swore he’d never seen a woman more perfect than her, not even Naruto’s sexy jutsu could come close to this girl.

He found his ears heating up and no doubt turning red at the thoughts running through his mind, and he was quick to smother them down. He was not irrationally emotional. Hell, he was ANBU, he should be able to control his emotions down to a tee.

“Yes, Y/N?”

“I have a secret admirer, and I know they are a shinobi.”

He felt himself growing nervous. How had she deduced that? “Ah, that’s definitely exciting for you. How do you know it’s a shinobi?”

“I know because I set up a tripwire last night and the person didn’t set it off, so I know they are coordinated enough to avoid it. This isn’t just some random village boy. This is someone skilled.”

“Y/N, he could have very well just avoided the trap with his natural gait, don’t you think?” he tried to reason with her, try to get her off his trail. Admittedly, he thought she was quite clever for setting up the trap. When he walked over it the night before, he swore it was just a spider web. He didn’t even consider the possibility of a trap in his way.

If only he could throw her off his scent. He needed more time. He couldn’t confess to her now. It was too abrupt, too sudden. He would probably die.

“No, I’m convinced it’s a shinobi.”

Shit. “Well, what are you going to do now?”

She thought for a short moment on what she was going to say, tapping her foot on the ground beside her. Her eyes widened and she smiled at the thought that ran through her mind. Of course, it was so obvious. “The gifts come sporadically, so I know that the shinobi can’t leave gifts when they are on missions. Next time there is a long break in gifts, I will just ask around to figure out who has been on a mission for a while. Bam, I’ve got my answer. It’s foolproof.”

She really had thought this through more than him. She was too good, and he felt himself panicking. He had a weeklong mission in 3 days, and if she asked anyone, they would tell her it was him. He felt moisture gather up at his brow, and he internally cursed his situation. He had to find some way out of this mess without her figuring out it was him.

“Yeah, that could definitely work. I hope it all works out for you, Y/N,” he lied through his teeth.

“I know. I’m just smart like that, aren’t I?”

“You sure are,” he muttered, but honestly, he just wanted to go off and find Kakashi. He needed to talk to him. His eyes slid away from Y/N and he sighed. “I’ve got to go, but I’ll see you around, yeah?”

“Yeah, of course. Don’t forget to stop by before your next mission to get some of our special food pills, okay? I just made a new batch and you can try them free of charge. Anything for a fella as handsome as yourself.” She laughed, shifting her weight to press a hand to her hip.

Jeez. There was no good reason for her looking so adorable. Calling him handsome as well? It was all too much for his heart to handle. Needless to say, he felt like he was going to explode if he didn’t walk away right then. With that, he simply nodded before patting her shoulder. “Like I said, gotta go.”

“Oh, okay. See you around.”

“See you.”

He walked away quickly, heading in the direction of Kakashi’s apartment, knowing he just had to do something about the mess he was currently in, and ways to avoid the inevitable. His heart was racing so fast he thought he might be having a heart attack. How could he be swayed so easily by a pretty face. He had no idea, but he really wanted it to stop. For the sake of his sanity, he needed to learn to be calm around her.

He would tell her soon, get all this off his chest and share his true feelings. He just needed a bit more time.

[shattersstar]

mac pls rant to me about alucard like literally talk about anything relating to him idc he just lives in my mind rent free already and I want to hear ur thots 🥺🥺 and u know how much I love ur writing like only u can make me simp over a character i've never heard about until after reading ur series

in this house we all simp over alucard 😌 but tyy i always have so many thoughts omg like i woke up after four hrs of sleep and this fucking show was the first thing on my mind snksndsk anyway imma talk abt the series bc i feel like it sorta came outta nowhere and i dont wanna bore the masses with my thoughts on character design or like animation style (not yet at least hehehe)

okay first of all the fact sm of u guys r reading this without knowing anything about him or the show or anything is so sweet like y’all really sticking through it for me..i appreciate it endlessly. this ranting might also be kinda helpful and idk i like hearing writers thoughts behind their work so i hope y’all do to

the title comes from farouq jwaydeh i found it on that twitter thread about arabic love poems that went around a few months ago. i actually wasn’t planning on naming the series that but the doc where i was working on each part had the quote “and if the devil was to ever see you, he’d kiss your eyes and repent” in it because i was planning on writing smth for alucard based of that and the more i thought about it, the more i realized how well it worked for the series. its so romantic and so devoted which is the type of relationship i do be writing and it also works within a lot of the religious themes of the show. if i could write that well it lowkey sounds like smth alucard would say akhfsk

and speaking of alucard, ik the fact he has two names might be a bit confusing especially with how i formatted bluebelle (whoops) but the characters name is adrian tepes but he goes by alucard for Reasons i wont spoiler lmao. aches & arches does do a decent job explaining y i choose to call him adrian instead, but in the future if i do write stuff outside this series for him there is definitely a chance he’d be called alucard it just really depends on context. i just think there is something very personal and intimate that the reader is very serious about the fact he isn’t a figure for the masses or only tied to his father. hes his own person who they love and they deserve to be called a name that is their own not a moniker given to them y’know? also the fact i dont think anyone actually calls him adrian in the show makes me sad like noo baby ur so much more than what ur father and Humanity has made u out to be ahaha

idk if i have mentioned this anywhere yet but this is also the first series ive ever written in like my....4? 5? years writing on tumblr (ew i dont wanna think about how long ive been doing this) but thats kind of a big deal. i’m a bit :/ with myself for how much stuff i tried to add to bluebelle because i really didnt think i was gonna write anything else for him so it feels a bit cramped in terms of themes in comparison to the other parts. i feel like it does stick out a little within the series considering some of those themes havent been explored again but ehh i’m complaining about something i can change so whelp. guess it means i gotta write more

although i must admit i’m probably not gonna write a wedding and i’m sorry if u guys wanted one i just...can’t Bring myself to write a christian wedding even tho i’m pretty sure alucard is atheist? or at least not catholic lmao and i would rather write a hindu wedding bc its better (noah fence) and i think the ideas? or meanings around hindu wedding ceremonies make sense for this but i dont wanna be alienating so.yeah. that also feels like i gotta start writing a plot and i would rather Not do that i’m fine with mindlessly fluff for now. idk if anyone can tell but i’m avoiding the whole vampire and human relationship convo bc i havent figured out my thoughts on it and i dont wanna deal. let adrian live in a soft fantasy world with no bad things okay thanks thats all .

[toastedpopsicles]

BNHA Headcanon

Requests are: Open! 

What the big three of class 1A would be like as a partner :)

I haven’t written in so long, it’s really sad :( I really want to write I just don’t know at all what to write! If any of my friends or any of y’all have ideas on what to write, please let me know! My request box is open! I really want to write more, so if you’ve had an idea in the back of your mind, please let me know! 

* Cough * now that I’ve finished my ramble lets get onto the headcanons!

⊱ ────── {.⋅ ♫ ⋅.} ───── ⊰

𝓜𝓲𝓭𝓸𝓻𝓲𝔂𝓪, 𝓘𝔃𝓾𝓴𝓾

Sweetest child ever, we love him so so much !

Possibly the sweetest of these three?

All the cuddles, for sure, hugs 24/7,

Kisses are different

 They boy gets nervous when a girl is too close let alone kissing them, are you kidding?

He, of course, really loves you, you know that, but it will take him some time, so in the meanwhile, hand holding, hugs, and cuddles are more than enough

But when he is finally comfortable enough to kiss you?

He won’t stop. You can’t make him.

Kisses your hands, cheeks, nose, everywhere he can, he loves you so much and this is how he shows it. 

Deal with it?

 Anyways, 

 He loves to cuddle you a lot, especially after a long day of hero training and just school in general, he loves to lay his head in your lap and ask you to run your fingers through his hair, or just softly cup his cheeks, just really tender and soft touches

He also really loves it when you lay your head on his chest, it makes him so happy for some reason idk

loves to scratch your back for the cute little snores you let out while you’re sleeping

OKAY I JUST THOUGHT OF THIS

If you call him ‘ Your Hero ‘ ?

He’ll die, he’s dead, good job, you killed him, what do you have to say for yourself? 

No but for real, it makes him so happy when you call him that, he’s striving to be the best he hero he can be, but having you call him Your Hero? It makes him over the moon with happiness

“ ThankyouforcallingmethatitreallymeansalotI’mgladthatI’myourherooh- “

You had to cut him off. He wouldn’t stop otherwise.

 Sweet boy. Yes yes, very good. 

⊱ ────── {⋅. ♪ .⋅} ────── ⊰

𝓑𝓪𝓴𝓾𝓰𝓸, 𝓚𝓪𝓽𝓼𝓾𝓴𝓲

Asshole child, I love him

This man is my desktop screensaver I- 

ANYWAYS

Tsundere, we all know this ass man is one, lets face it.

At first he absolutely loathes any kind of romantic interaction in public when you two first start dating, which was difficult to get to in the first place. 

I feel like even before you started dating, he wouldn’t want to even talk to you? Like yeah, okay, You’re cute and all... and maybe you have a cute ass smile...

But you’re a distraction from being on top 

If Once he kinda realizes that his hyper-fixation on being the #1 hero is a tad bit too much, he’ll probably pull back the reigns a tiny tiny bit, and finally kinda sorta admit his.. feelings? To you

“ Oi, dumbass, c’mere “ ... “ You’re kinda not terrible looking “ 

Once y’all start dating he opens up more, eventually letting PDA be a thing, because your his woman dammit! He’s gonna show you off to every possible human who is a male and in your age range, gonna let them know you’re his, got it? 

Don’t fuckin touch them. Mine. 

Likes when you lay on his chest. It kinda inflates his ego more than it already is tbh, he likes that you chose him to be the one to protect you, and thats kinda sweet ig

Will only really kiss you ( other than your lips ) If your asleep, aka forehead kisses and kissing you lightly on your eyelashes.

Likes to hold your hand to make sure these other idiots know that your his idiot. 

So sweet !

Definitely makes you rub his back after class

* ugh * fine he rub’s yours too

wtf he’s too good at this

why is Katsuki literally a housewife I’m confused. 

I like this explosion boy. He’s kinda cool. 

⊱ ────── {.⋅ ♫ ⋅.} ───── ⊰

𝓣𝓸𝓭𝓸𝓻𝓸𝓴𝓲, 𝓢𝓱𝓸𝓾𝓽𝓸

Ah yes, the one who doesn’t understand why these thirsty ass hoes are simpin over him

* cough * I am a simp for this man. 

Doesn’t really have that great of an understanding of what a relationship should be? His parent’s weren’t exactly the perfect couple? 

Like he was probably talking with the bois ™ when relationships come up and they’re talking about like.. normal relationship stuff and he’s all “ Huh? What? “ 

They have to kinda explain to him like.. what love actually is?

By the end of it he’s like “ Oh. “ 

That’s all he says.

As time goes on he kinda understands he has a crush on you? He enjoys being around you far more than your other classmates, and now he’s stuck because he A; Has never been in this situation before and B; Doesn’t know what to do when you have a crush? 

I would imagine that he would either go to one of the quieter boys of the class or someone like Kirishima. 

Whoever it ends up being, they tell him what he needs to do, I feel like for someone as reserved as Shouto, he would probably write some kind of short note, either telling you his feelings, or to tell you to meet him somewhere like in a cheesy ass movie

Fan service, anyone?

Anyways, it’s a memory you look back on fondly, now that you guys are dating.

Todoroki is absolutely the best person to cuddle? Are you kidding?

I know personally I like to be either warm or cold when I sleep, sometimes in-between, and he is quite literally half cold, half hot?

he likes to cuddle too, I imagine he likes spooning, both being the big and little spoon. 

Not especially fond of PDA, but will hold your hand. 

In private however, it’s mostly the same lol

at least at the start? You have to understand that this poor baby has both been physically and mentally abused for who knows how long? Love isn’t a normal thing to him. 

However, I believe that he will warm up to the idea of being loved by someone rather quickly once he knows how fun it is. 

⊱ ────── {⋅. ♪ .⋅} ────── ⊰

Thank you so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed it! 

If you two don’t want to be tagged in my stuff, please tell me, but y’all are really my only two friends SO IM GONNA. @t-amajiki @mochimooncakes​

[doctorguilty]

ok you’ve all been waiting for it my thoughts on the sonic movie!!!

under cut cause long

so overall! I really liked the movie! I think it sorta landed pretty in the ballpark of what I sorta expected quality-of-plot wise and how much I’d be entertained by it. which is satisfying!!! I’m going to like, stream of thought this, starting with some criticisms which are gonna be kinda hefty cause im critiquing something I care about 

so right away I really disliked the “record scratch so this is me I bet you’re wondering how I got in this situation” opening like I’m not sure if it was intentionally a self aware joke on that being cliche and dumb but it does like, really frustrate me cause my philosophy for most stories is Start your story where it begins!! which made the backstory infodump more frustrating on top of that, like, I think that’s an easy mistake to make to want to spill your Backstory right away but it’s not necessary! the audience doesn’t NEED to know immediately what sonic was like in his homeworld and his tragic separation from it. we already have the audiences suspension of disbelief in play because they know they’re watching.. a movie about sonic the hedgehog in the real world. I think the backstory stuff would have been much more impactful as a flashback later on, especially when sonic’s whole arc is how lonely and isolated he is. it would be a better punch in the heart to later on be like so by the way as a child his guardian probably died and sent him to earth for his own safety. so that was like AUGH you blew it 

next up that i think was unnecessary like, completely, was establishing that sonic already knew the main cop guy and his wife (omg I already forgot their names..because they were not memorable but we’ll get to that fjdsg) and like, secretly immersed himself into their life that’s ?? odd to me? I think it would have been fine to just have sonic be like attached to the whole small town and he thinks the cop is cool and calls him donut lord, and that’s the extent of it like cause the problem is later down the plot when sonic finds out cop guy is leaving green hills and flips out about it.. I’m like, not sure if I believe sonic, immersing himself in their life, had NOT known that was a thing cop guy wanted to do like he NEVER heard about that??? but that’s like whatever 

I don’t really like the cop guy as the protag human like. oof he was very bland and I’m trying to figure out how to put this into words............ I feel like a character like him isn’t someone the audience can really connect to. this guy has a virtually perfect life with a house and a dog and a job and a wife, his Conflict is that he wants to move to california and see more action and save people, but the WEIRDEST thing about it is that the prospect of leaving his little town behind isn’t really shaking him up at all. it shakes SONIC up later, but up until that point.... the cop just has legit a perfect life and it’s kinda sad because sonic appearing in it physically becomes something that immediately has the effect of “starting to ruin it” and thats why the cop is so like, mean about things at first. 

see I don’t really like that it doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. if I were to rewrite this keeping the general ideas in mind, I would have opted for a ... paul blart crossed with judy hopps. a guy who’s life isn’t all in order, maybe not living in trash but he doesn’t have a wife, he DREAMS of being a cop and saving people, but he doesn’t quite have what it takes physically/mentally or maybe he’s too afraid to even try. he loves his rural town but thinks like, maybe if I move to the big city I’ll find myself maybe he’s offered a job there for something boring and is like resigning to a boring life idk there’s a lot you can do but you get the idea! a lonely underdog with big dreams. so when Sonic comes into his life, its WAY more impactful to paul hopps.....judy blart...... that Sonic pleads for help saving his life and this sudden adventure isn’t ruining his life either. 

then LATER when we get to sonic being upset that paul hopps wants to leave, it’s less this awkward confrontation “how dare you wanna live your already in motion dreams somewhere ELSE  because people love you HERE” (like .. oof bad take tbh) it would be a much nicer “why do you want to leave your home to become a hero when everyone here already sees you as one” and instead of the shabby like “well I guess I’ll stay because i crossed off saving someone from my bucket list” paul hopps would feel fulfilled he saved sonic and I actually you know what? I’d change up the whole scene with the turtle to be at the end where paul hopps becomes a cop in green hills and he like, saves a turtle crossing the road and is like! that’s what its all about being a hero! like thats cute and resonates with an audience, the message like, being a hero just means being kind and doing the right thing, which is way more suitable for a sonic movie when the sonic series has always been a campy power of friendship thing. 

in a similar vein, the cop being a lonely underdog would give him a better connection with sonic, so that even if he was annoyed by him at first he’d later have the understanding they’re one in the same, you know? connections people!! themes!!!! 

anyway but enough of that au 

so the last thing I’m like iffy about is how robotnik was handled. like jim carry is funny and stuff but it felt like a bit of a mess like, this character is repeatedly reminding us what a hard ass I’M SUPERIOR THAN YOU MY IQ IS HUGE but then being super mega goofy, like I’m all for eccentric scientists but it felt kind of disconnected? and idk like not to be that guy but man.. i remember when sonic 06 came out and everyone hated how eggman was slimmed down to what he looked like in that game jfkdfsgksdj like my brain really doesn’t find a fully slender bodied eggman palatable like......... let my mans be fat ... WHICH tbh I’m a little nervous because at the end of the movie we see this implication that robotnik is turning more visually into the eggman we know with the stache and bald head but I’m worried they’re gonna also go with “and he also gets fat” cause I don’t like that sort of thing, you know? 

i think that’s all for my major criticisms!! but otherwise like! the movie was genuinely really fun and goofy and it felt very in spirit with the sonic franchise! 

if you read bogleech’s post I agree with him whole heartedly that this is the best characterization of sonic. it feels almost like?????? the characterization he was MEANT To have but he always ended  up going TOO MUCH in the direction of confident and cocky and being too cool and successful about it? I love sonic with that hyper teenager-like personality, it’s incredibly charming and cute, like I never Hated sonic as a character but he was defs like... lower on my list of characters in the franchise I found interesting. I felt like I could connect with movie sonic a lot and like! i’d want to be his friend, you know? I really really want to see more of him like that! 

I also agree big time that the movie had the best use of bullet time I’ve ever seen! I’m like omg?? WHY hasnt that ever been a mechanic in a game? 

and overall just like the cuteness like............I literally almost cried when the little girl gave sonic her shoes like AAAAAAAAAAAAA WEEPS............ and the end with sonic getting his own room thats so super cute too!!!! 

oh and the post credits scene with tails was SO FUCKING HYPE like, people in the theater audibly gasped and started being like  YESSSSSSS tails looks really great! 

so like YEAH dabs ,, being a story snob aside it was a fun and cute movie and I’m glad to hear it trumped detective pikachu for a video game movie  I’m glad it’s brought some attention to the sonic franchise! like while it’s cool in some aspects that Nerd Culture is mainstream now, it’s absolutely exhausting the HUGE focus on that is marvel and DC and all that stuff........ like theres nothing wrong w/ liking that but its like.. hm.... idk how to explain it but................. as someone who was bullied a lot in school for liking things like sonic.. like I guess stuff like that people usually see as lame stuff for babies??? superheroes are more like, macho and palatable to adults?? it’s been a good experience for all my normie coworkers to ask what I did for valentines day and I tell them “I saw the sonic the hedgehog movie” and I BRACE myself reflexively to be laughed at but not a single person did they were just like oh cool! how was it? like it really makes me appreciate I got to at least grow up and feel a little more accepted! 

so THATS my thoughts feel free to comment and discuss! 

[b00bconnoisseur]

60 questions for @not-my-brain

1. selfie.......Ugghhhh ok. Imma take one rn

Ok here u go (yes thats a bmth shirt)

2. what would you name your future kids?.....Ooo hmmm well when i was a kid i really liked the names disney, and mesiah. I didn't know at the time that mesiah was another name for god i think lol. I liked it cause of handlers mesiah. I still do. Ooo and maybe Tj too

3. do you miss anyone?......Yeah. My friends on Pinterest from a year ago. My friend lucas. Stan lee. Bob ross. My cousin who died from cancer some years ago. Snape. Sirius. Lupin. Tonks. Dobby. *continues to name every unfortunate death in hp*

4. what are you looking forward to?.......SE-YA next month!! Its the south eastern young adult festival at this college. You can have meet n greets with authors and alot of stuff its the besstttt

5. is there anyone who can always make you smile?......DEFINATELY. @dirtysocke @mysisterlooksforthisaccountsobye @cristal-kyd1280 @sammchenry my friend lucas and @septembersbloom. ^^

6. is it hard for you to get over someone?..... What like...romantically? Or like a death? If romantically uhhh idk it took over a couple weeks but im ok now. Ive never had another relationship so idk. If death oof yeah idk maybe. Ig it depends on how much i knew them idk. Like when my nanny (great grandma) died i was sad for days (is that alot?)

7. what was your life like last year?.....Sucky af. Still is. But the highlights of my life last year was getting and making friends on tumblr, going to the tøp concert and going to warped tour, volunteering at the library, going to seya and meeting some of my favorite authors, reading, changing and improving my art, listening to all the bands i listen to now, getting into more fandoms, going to a friends house for the first time

8. have you ever cried because you were so annoyed?.......Yes lol. Some years ago when i couldn't find smtn id be so annoyed and pissed id start crying. I dont now but still lol

9. who did you last see in person?.......Hm ig family doesn't count....? Wait do u mean a friend? If so uhh my friends rebekah, anika, and Judah at a TAB meeting at the library sometime last month.

10. are you good at hiding your feelings?......I think so? Like i mean I can hide whenever i get my....time of the month from my mom (talking abt stuff like that with her makes me uncomfortable) and i hid a breakup. And other p big stuff too. So imma say yeah

11. are you listening to music right now?........*pops on earbuds after reading this* yee im listening to bitch lasagna by pewdiepie xD (do i have the best spotify playlist or what?)

12. what is something you want right now?.......To hug @mysisterlooksforthisaccountsobye but SOMEONE has to live so far away

13. how do you feel right now?........Happy that my earbud still works cause they got washed in the wash yesterday....oops. Its not my fault. I told my dad to remind me to take it out of my jacket pocket before they threw it in but noooooo he forgot

14. when was the last time someone of the opposite sex hugged you?.......Uhhhhh fuck idk it was probably from my lil 4 yr old bro sometime last week. Other than him (hes my favorite sibling) i dont let them hug me too much

15. personality description.......Nerdy. Fangirl. "Emo". Tomboy. Hotsause obsessed. Book lover. Music lover. Black. Blue. Harry potter. Introvert. Fall. Sports. Values friendship. Loyal. Uhhhh i cant think of much lol

16. have you ever wanted to tell someone something but you didn’t?.......*sigh* yes. Yes yes yes. Theres some things abt me, or my life really, that i havent told anyone on here or my irl friends that i sooooo want to so bad but i haven't cause i feel like they'd feel bad and pity me and i don't want that

17. opinion on insecurities........I dont really understand this one. Everyones insecure abt something. Is this askin like if i think its ok or not? I say its ok. Im insecure about literally everything about me. My face. My personality. My socialness. My art. What i do. What i say. Basically my whole body. The things i feel good abt are my books, music taste, and my friends (ily fuckers)

18. do you miss how things were a year ago?.........Hmm this time around a year ago....idk its sorta the same but all the stuff i mentioned abt my year from last year didn't happen yet so nah tho my life sucks rn its better than this time last year

19. have you ever been to New York?........Nooo but i want too soo baddd i wanna visit @septembersbloom !! Im coming for ya soon gramps *does the eye watching thing* my dads been to nyc before tho cause he does construction and he had a concrete job to do there. It was a 23 hr drive for him

20. what is your favourite song at the moment?........Uhhh idk!!! So hard! Maybe.....the whole thats the spirit album by bmth ;)

21. age and birthday?.....15 yrs of age and September 27th 2003 (whats yours brainy? I'll put it on my calendar)

22. description of crush......Its weird idk im not sure if its a genuine crush or not but uh....They like hp :).Thats all u get

23. fear(s).......Losing my best friend @dirtysocke and my other friends. Death. Failure. Momo chasing after me then killing me slowly keeping my eyes open to look her dead in the eyes while i die

24. height......5'6 call me short and I'll fuck u up with THIS *pulls out trusty potato peeler named now steve* dont test me boi

25. role model......Hhhhhhhh so many! But uh gosh one of them is @superraedizzle (youtuberrrr) and vexx and bob ross and da vinci and aaaaaaa so many

26. idol(s)......First person that immediately comes to mind is @sammchenry cause he's super cool and he's really nice and his art's reallyyy good (if u havent seen it w-w-what are u even doin with your life?) And he has a great sense of humor and *continues to ramble about why samms the best*

27. things i hate.......Dabs. Transphobes. Homophobic ppl. Basically any hate on the lgbtq+ community. Bullies. The ship starker. Umbridge. Snape haters

28. i’ll love you if….....U you'll eat pizza, draw, and rp harry potter with mee

29. favourite film(s)......Fantastic beasts. Every hp film. Twilight. The maze runner 1-2. The hunger games. Spiderman homecoming. Kingsman: secret service. Into the spideyverse tho i havent seen it yet

30. favourite tv show(s)......Inkmasterrrrr. B99. The mick. The middle. Uhhh idk mostly ink master xD

31. 3 random facts........Ive never had shrimp. I had a beta fish for over a year once. Im eating pizza crust rn

32. are your friends mainly girls or guys?.......G i r l s. I have all girl friends irl and one boy. And on tumblr it seems like i just meet girls? Likei agree with @cristal-kyd1280 its like alot more gals then dudes here. But i do have some guy friends on here too. But mostly girls

33. something you want to learn.......TO DRAW ANATOMY DAMMIT

34. most embarrassing moment........Every moment of my lifes an embarrassing moment. Idk of i can pick a "most" embarrassing one. But one time i i sent my crush (now ex bf) a hey fuckface and like some hearts or whatever for an ask game that meant like "i have a crush on u" "youre adorable" etc and said Hewo but i did it all anonymously. But he confronted me askin if i sent it cause im the only person he knows that actually says hewo lol. Then later on i finally admitted i really liked him and well y'all know the story after i think. Unless you're new

35. favourite subject.......A R TTTT OFC

36. 3 dreams you want to fulfill?........meet my friends on tumblr. Get into mtsu (college i wanna go to) and study art. And go skydiving

37. favourite actor/actress........favorite actor uhhhhhh probably thomas brodie sangster or tom felton and my favorite actress? Hmmm idk maybe evanna lynch (luna lovegood)

38. favourite comedian(s).......probably kevin hart lol he's p funny

39. favourite sport(s)........basketballllllll and football

40. favourite memory........uhhhhh idk?? One oh my favorite memories was when we went to see tøp in concert

41. relationship status.....single as a pringle

42. favourite book(s)......harry potter and the order of the pheonix. Harry potter and the half blood prince. Simon vs the homo sapiens agenda. Divergent. Maze runner. Twilight. Fangirl. Fallen. Red queen

43. favourite song ever.......TOO HARD DONT MAKE ME CHOOSEEEEEE

44. age you get mistaken for.........16 and 17 sometimes lol

45. how you found out about your idol........i was watching someone on yt and superraedizzle always poped up in my feed and my mom turned on one of her vids cause she always saw her vids too now ive seen most of em i love her. Id heard of vexx but never watched him and i was watching a collab from anthony miller art and shrimpy and i checked out shrimpys channel and was lookin at comments and alot of ppl said his art is like vexxs so i checked out vexx. At first i was like eh ok. Now i cant click fast enough when he posts a vid. And i actually fpund out about bob ross from my grandpa on jan 20 2017 when trump was getting sworn in or whatever. We turned on pbs and my grampa told me to look and bob ross was on and i was IN. I loved it. I even started watching full episodes on YouTube of the joy of painting after that. Wonderful man. My first painting i ever did i think was when i followed one of his tutorials xD (i didnt know it was popular at the time)

46. what my last text message says......."ok your turn"

47. turn ons.....uhh nerds ig idk um book lovers, music lovers, art lovers, potterheads, idk and nice ppl

48. turn offs......jerks. Homophobia. Idk ig whatever i said in things i hate

49. where i want to be right now......uhhhh idk wait didn't i already answer this? Ok this ones different ig so uhh with my friend lucas

50. favourite picture of your idol.....oh shit...favorite? Idk xD i have a fave of vexx but not of rae or bob. But heres pics of them any way

51. starsign......a libraaaaa boiii

52. something i’m talented at......drawing and speed reading. Thats about it lol. Oh and procrastina

53. 5 things that make me happy.......ooooo art, my friends here on tumblr, books, harry potter, and music ^^

54. something thats worrying me at the moment.....if my friend thinks im being annoying

55. tumblr friends......hhhhh so manyyyyyy. @dirtysocke @mysisterlooksforthisaccountsobye @cristal-kyd1280 @chinesewaffles2 @kingantlion @queen-baelin @sammchenry @septembersbloom and more

56. favourite food(s)......green beans, pepperoni pizza, and vanilla madelines

57. favourite animal(s).......basically any reptile. Puppies. Cats. Any animal really but my #1 are snakes

58. description of my best friend.....well she's a tiny bean (5 feet) and she has dark hair, she wears glasses, she doesnt take shit, she's in love with Josh dun, she's awesome, funny, nice (YES youre nice jackie) and shes the best friend ive ever had. Oh. And she has a weird obsession with spaghetti

59. why i joined tumblr.......well i heard abt it on Pinterest over a year ago but didnt want it. Then @mrfastbass-deactivated20181231 on DeviantArt said he got tumblr so i made one then followed him and figured id just post art and that's it cause i thought tumblr was boring as hell when i first got it. Now im p much obsessed with it

60. ask me anything you want.......go ahead brainy shoot. Give me smtn good

[the-little-red-noodle]

10/11/18 7:47

okay, lets talk. 

Ive had an emotional 24 hours. I’ve been anxious, i’ve been insecure, i’ve been angry and sad and hurt and manic and crazy and i need to get it out so i can fucking cleanse and move into my weekend.

It started with spencer, what like, 2 nights ago now? i dont remember when it was, but i was getting insecure and noticing how i was affecting him. it was yesterday, cuz it was wednesday. i was insecure and didnt want him to leave my room and i think i really stressed him out because i just wanted him to stay and say the things i wanted to hear, but that isnt reality. he cant read my mind, he cant know what i need to hear, thats why i need to communicate and not just suck into myself and away from him, but i didnt want to do that because i didnt want to be crazy, but then i got crazy and i made him kinda late because he dropped by at 3:30 and only expected to stay till 4 but he left at 6:27 as i needed to go to my 6:30 lab.. so i feel bad but i just agh i couldnt let him leave when i didnt feel good..

i didnt feel good because we talked about politics. he got me going on the wage gap, so i got heated talking about the misconceptions and he was (respectfully) arguing with me because he is suuupperrrr super liberal, very very left, very socialist, and he’s a politics major, so he’s well versed and i get that going in, but i also wanted to share my side because im fairly moderate; i dont believe in a lot of feminist rhetoric, or the wage gap stuff. i read the study, and it bothers me that people misuse the statistics to say that women get paid less for the same job, because that is NOT what the study found. The point was that women take different kinds of jobs than men and tend to work less hours and have less education and qualifications. THAT is the ‘feminist’ issue, not paying women less for the same job because thats illegal and cant happen. 

Heres the thing. I know there are sexist issues in our society. i know that it is harder for women than it is for men. but frankly, i feel better ignoring it as much as i can. i feel like if we keep telling women than they shouldnt be scientists because its a man job, or that society tells women that they need a leg up, because then we start believing it and internalizing and thinking we are less than men. i feel like if we just stopped talking about it, i wouldnt know that there was a gender discrepancy and id feel totally normal getting into stem. i dont want to feel like im some anomaly. and frankly yes, i notice sometimes. i notice the gender divide in stem. of fucking course i see it. i know that there are men in my neuroscience lab who think i dont know shit. im not blind, i know the STEM field is misogynistic. i know it is. but i dont like to subscribe to the feminist thing that im so held down and its because im a woman. but thats just me

anyway, my babe is very liberal and he was listening of course but also making sure i knew that the problems im ignoring are still there, which i appreciate but i also get kinda irritated with hyper liberal men because it sounds kinda guilty? like listening to a straight white man say that straight white men are the problem, annoys me. like yes thats true, but also ugh its annoying. i hate the men shame that feminism encourages.

so we kinda went back and forth for a while, which like, good that we can have real conversations, and politics is something that will inevitably come up, but as the conversation went on, i started getting insecure and anxious because confrontation scares me. not that he was really even confronting me? like spencer is such a sweet man, he’s gentle and kind and supportive and so sweet to me, and i know politics is literally his thing, and im glad that he’s super liberal as opposed to the other end. cuz like ya i am a queer woman and im glad that he seems like a strong advocate for minority groups like that, so like im glad, but i also started to feel like he was frustrated with me for like being ill informed.

 heres the thang tho, im not really ill informed. ive done my research, i watch the news, and im a big fan of shoe0nhead which admittedly is very moderate bias media, but its content i agree with. and i was telling him that im fairly moderate, and he was like ya i can tell, and i was like and politics isnt really my thing, and he was like ya i can tell. but i didnt mean that like i didnt understand politics, i meant it as like i try not to really get into the conversation (partially because of sarah lawrence)

no wait i did tell him that. i told him how involved i was in social justice stuff in new york, that i literally led the anti Trump protest in NYC after he was elected. and when i told him that, he got all dreamy eyed like it was so attractive that his girlfriend was an activist, which is cute n whatever, cuz everything he does is cute..

the point is, that after this conversation i was insecure because i felt like he would be mad at me (he wasn’t) or that he would hate me (he doesn’t). and i know that logically of course, but still... ugh idk, the conversation just got me riled up and then he had to leave town for the whole weekend and i was feeling like we wouldnt have enough time to resolve it

but he kept saying everything was fine, that he wasn’t mad, that he might disagree, but still loves me duh. and i know he meant it, but u know when you get in your head and youre like shit i said too much, and now he will never look at me the same because we slightly disagree about politics, like my moms dating a republican and they reallllyyy disagree on politics, like i will be fine! whats yer issue self?

but ya so i just felt insecure, and i know he was trying to comfort me even tho i didnt let on thaaat much that i was hurting. i feel like when people i love get confrontational with me (which again, he wasn’t) i get upset and my heart feels heavy and it hurts and i want them to leave and i would have just ended our hangout because we both had places to be and whatever we’ll deal with it later, but i knew he was leaving tonight and was gunna be busy and we couldnt deal with it so i was scared and when my attachment feels insecure, i get SO insecure. hahahaaaa i was thinking this relationship would be any different? gurl.

but heres the thing, he is.. he’s fine. he doesnt think anything is wrong and he’s still my sweet pea boyfriend. and i know that now, because i did get to say goodbye in a good re-establishing way tonight.

i knew he was leaving after his class at 6:30 tonight and i was nervous because i knew he was gunna be busy with packing up and everything.

i ran into him walking to class and we were fine and kissy and cute and i love him but as we were parting i was like can i say goodbye before you leave, but i dont think he heard me cuz he didnt really respond because we were diverging and he was giving me his sweet boy eyes with an outstretched arm as we parted and i was like shit im still insecurrrreeee

so i texted him during the first class like “hey i meant cant i say goodbye before you hit the road but sounds like yer gunna be busy so have a great weekend baby i love you!” and i meant it, i wanted to end on a good note but then he didnt respond all day, and my anxiety was mounting and i spent the rest of today in my room doing nothing but stressing about him. stressing about a boy, nothing new for me.

but eventually i got really tired and took a real nap, i had accepted that i wouldnt see him again.. sad.. i woke up at like 7:15 and i was like hmm let me see if his car is still here, ya know, cuz im crazy. i went downstairs to fill up my water bottle and his car was still in the parking lot. so ya know, i text him, cuz im crazy. and i was like drive safe babe <3 and then as i got back to my room there he was outside my door with bags in his arm to pack up his car and i was so effing relieved to see him. we hugged and kissed and he seemed genuinely happy to see me and i was so happy to get to have a moment with him before he left.

i walked him down to his car, and filled up his water bottle for him and once everything was in his car, he just kissed me.. and i know im a hopeless romantic, but i was so happy to just kiss him and feel his lips smiling and feel his arms around me and hear him giggle and be adorable.. 

my heart still hurts, but it’s different now. my heart hurts because I miss him. i already miss him even though he only just left. he’ll be gone until monday night and i might not even see him then because he’ll be exhausted, which is fair. but now im sad because ill just miss him. i know he’ll be camping and among friends and nerding out on his larping camp vacation is fresno. of course ill miss him.. because i love him..

as we were kissing by his car i was like be safe (cuz his larping thing is basically nerd war with foam weapons) and he was like “yeah i will, cant wait to see you when i get back”, and i was like yeah babe ill be here to patch you back together when you get back, and he kinda laughed at me and was like “i dont think that’ll be your intention when i get back” implying that ill probably just want to rough him up immediately when i see him like i usually do. which made me really really happy to hear cuz it was like acknowleding that everythings still good and we’re still crazy about each other and we’ll just want to fuck as soon as he’s home which is sweet to me, like to me thats such a sweet sentiment. and i just got so happy that he in his own way reminded me that like we’re still on a good track, and we’re still happy, and he still loves me, ya know?

and also as we were hugging and kissing i started scratching his back how he likes and he sorta moaned and was like “ugh im really gunna miss this.. like im gunna miss you of course, but im gunna miss your back scratches” and that made me happy.. 

he just makes me happy.. i really love him and i’m really grateful that i got to have this brief reconnection with him before he left town till monday.. 4 days without him is gunna suck, but i know he’s gunna be busy and probably not have service and be off the grid so we won’t talk unless he reaches out. but i will manage. he managed for 4 days while i was camping, so i can manage while he is nerd camping

omigod that reminds me how much i love him, again. he’s nerd camping. ugh i adore him

he was like babe you gotta come next time so we can get drunk and fight together and he was all smiley like he really wants to show me off at his nerd event which is so sweet.. and as he walked me back to the dorm entrance cuz i forgot my key, he called me his girlfriend, and even though its small, its something.. i’ll take it. 

i needed that brief little reconnection. the next 4 days i will have to detox. i have events planned like every day, so i’ll be fine. im gunna see my friends tomorrow and saturday night and i have chapter on sunday and should probably spend some time alone writing and detoxing and getting back to myself and feeling independent. 

i want time to shower and braid my hair and brush my teeth and feed my body good food and watch youtube and write. i need to stay writing. i need to keep journaling because i know how much it helps me. i need to get my emotions out and analyze why the things that upset me get to me. whats the root of the problem and how to get through it. i need that.

i was and still am so frustrated with myself that i got so insecure over one political conversation with spencer. like... thats a problem, ya know? 

and at least now that he’s out of town for the whole weekend, i dont really have an excuse for being anxious about seeing him? cuz he just drops by and i never know when cuz he doesnt text me first. like literally tonight as we were kissing outside my room he was like i came by earlier but you werent home, and i was like oh shit i was taking a nap and i slept through him coming to visit me :(( which is like oh my god that would have been so sad if i didnt get to see him on his way out because i was literally asleep! 

his dropping by, while its the cutest ever because it just like him wanting to see me, its also kind of stressful because i never know when its gunna happen, so whenever im home, im kind of anxious because he could drop in at any second, and of course i get happy when he does because then i get to see my baby, but alsoooooo it means i cant really indulge in my personal space because it could be interupted at any moment, and as i found out tonight, i cant take naps because then i could miss him :(

thats probably something we should discuss at some point, because it creates anxiety for me that is related to spencer, and i want to eliminate any bad vibes from my relationship

relationship.. he’s my boyfriend.. ohmigod wuuuuuuut im still shocked that he wanted to boo me up this much.. he’s so sweet and cute and nerdy ugh

i love him.. i need to get over this dumb insecurity that comes from mild confrontation? that wasnt even confrontation??

so lets remember the things to look forward to about this relationship

he loves me. he claims me proudly as his girlfriend. he wants to bring me to belegarth events, even this day one in san diego where he’d bring me home and introduce me to his home friends which is pretty huge.. he’s sweet, he likes spending time with me and he drops by frequently and stays for hours.. we’re good, and i know i sound crazy needing to convince myself, but thats because i dont want to bug him to validate me, especially not when he has this big event that he’s so excited for. and i want him to be excited for his event and feel secure with me, because of course i love him and want to be with him.

10:53pm i keep taking breaks from the journaling, i get distracted really easy, watching youtube and texting people.. trying to be social, its hard for me. also trying to bury my spencer texts, just cuz i know im crazy and i want to try to not think about him..

do i go walk down to the cooler to get food? or should i just subside on whatevers in my fridge.. also i really should fill up my tank.. and calculate the gas so my friends can reimburse me.. sigh

anyway, i think im feeling mostly better after yesterday. like obviously im still gunna think about it, and ill always worry if spencers as invested as me, but i gotta take it with the context that he was the one who pursued me and crushed on me from day one and wanted to date me and wanted to be exclusive with me and wanted to call me his girlfriend.. he says he loves me and he comes to visit me all the time and spends his free time with me.. he’s a sweet pea and i shouldnt be insecure about it

and not to be cryptic, but what am i even worried about? part of me was reluctant to even get into a relationship, and was supposed to be single and focusing on myself and if anything, dating women. i accidentally caught feels for an amazingly sweet nerd man, and believe me im happy about it. i love spending time with spencer and loving on him. but to be cryptic for just a second.. worst case scenario? he’s just not interested anymore and we break up. sooo? ya that would suck, and i would be heartbroken, but i would also be okay because i have good friends and the whole point of breaking up with ryan was to be single.. so..

anyway, i should probably wrap up this journal entry cuz its long and all over the place

omigod he just texted me

aww he’s letting me know that he got to his thing safely and he loves me

seeee he’s a sweet bean, yall are fine, can you chill now? he’s so into you and you dont need to be insecure about this right now

and wow i sound crazy writing this much, i’ve literally been writing for hours. i know i need to journal more, and this is literally just stream of consciousness for hours and hours.. alright, ima end here and do hw maybe..

stay grateful. stay happy. life is good, you are blessed. friends are good. boyfriend is good. school is good for now kinda haha but i need to stay positive! yes i have bad days, yes i have low points, yes i get insecure and sad and upset and lonely. but i am so very lucky to be alive and to be surrounded by support and love and to feel and give love freely. i am lucky to have found friends i can trust. i am lucky to still have my close friends from beyond this year of oxy. i am beyond lucky to have an incredible man in my life. and also its halloween season which means lots of fun family stuff and so many fun parties on and off campus and looking forward to showing off my jessica rabbit costume and seeing spencers cowboy beebop costume and just drooling over each other ^-^ 

it is going to be a great rest of this month, and after this is november, which means thanksgiving and family stuff, and better fall weather hopefully and that means getting spencer to wear more sweaters.. mmmph and then after that is december which means holiday season, and more family stuff, and of course, finding a time to see spencer and be cozy and watch christmas movies and again, get him into more sweaters.. mmmmmmmph yes babe

there is so much to look forward to!! events and planning christmas presents for people omigod im gunna start that note on my phone, theres so much to do!! cuz i also have so many new great friends for this holiday season which means more presents for people which im always excited about :) and getting to watch my puppy grow up and see my family and take in the quality time together <3 

i am loved. i am blessed. i am grateful. i want to spread love and positive vibes and happiness and love! so much love :)

okay. that’s all for tonight. shower, brush teeth, go to sleep. take care of yourself. LOVE

[survivornavarino]

Episode #4: He’s Dead To Me In This Game -Heather

I want to cry. LITERALLY ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS KNOW THE VOTE. THAT IS IT. I WOULD HAVE VOTED ANYWAY. I miss Tim. but this new tribe thing is happening so hopefully I can get with the other side. BUT IM STILL HERE SO TIME TO FIGHT.

I'm sad that there's a tribe swap I really like the favorites tribe we all worked really well together. However I'm wondering if this swap will assist in taking out big threats on our team

that went as planned im glad especially with swap going on so now let’s hope I’m on tribe that wins 

Wow I can't believe I am queen of getting exiled. Im shitting. I'm upset because I can't build any relationships, but also glad because I was a bottom voter. WELL IM IN F16 SO THATS GOOD. and I have time to recover from the flu sooo. Fun

-before tim got  voted out- Okay, I want to vote Tim out. Vi told Heather Tyler was throwing her name out there so I don't want the possibility of an idol being played. Tim made an alliance chat with Tyler/Heather, he threw Tyler under the bus to me and then switched it to Trixie. He's playing messy. Also, he's apparently friends with Rebecka and idk how she stands with me, a tribe swap is coming so I need to think about that. It should be me/Tyler/Shoib/Tee/Trixie voting out Tim. ________________________________________________________________ So we just swapped tribes and I am pretty happy with who I'm with. My Zwooper thots Tyler and Shoib were the two from my tribe to come with me and I trusted them the most. As for the fans I'm now meeting, Drew and me are friends and he told me he'd cut bitches to save me so that's good. Eddie and I started talking a few weeks ago bc we're from Boston so we have connections, and I know Autumn from Crossroads. I've never talked to Mitch or Jacob before. I hope that Autumn is okay with me and doesn't distrust me from Crossroads. If we lose again I just hope that I'm in the clear, but I really want to win a challenge for once. ________________________________________________________________ Me getting removed from the challenge:

me 10 seconds later:

AHHHHHH WHY IS THIS HAPPENING!?! I wanna cry. I’m just super busy this weekend and swap plus tim being voted out. I hope this party ends soon so I can actually help

not sure about tribe the people i know I like are all on the other tribe so im a little bummed but we’ll see how it goes Rebecka seems really nice and so is Ben but i really would like to win a challenge for once ________________________________________________________________ i envy heather right now being in exile safe for a week with no stress omg 

Hey not much has been happening and I don't even remember if I made a confessional last round, but we swapped so now stuff is actually happening. As soon as Autumn was added to Admirador, Shoib made an alliance chat with the three of us since we're all acquainted with Ashvika and Duncan and want to do them proud. I'm glad to be in it, cause I'd love to rob Drew of merge just because it would probably be the smartest move, i dunno. Eddie exists in some plane of reality and there's another favorite who I can't remember OH IT'S JACOB sldkslfjn. He also exists. According to Shoib, Tyler is the one who moved to vote out Tim, which is something I can respect. He wanted to take out a threat before he could meet up with the favs and turn on them. smart moving, tyler. I'll keep an eye on you.

I have missed way too much today. Couldn't get on at all today because of work, so I didn't find out until around 10 that we swapped. I still have Drew and Autumn, so hopefully I can work something out if we lose. Wish me luck.

I typed an entire thing in my name section instead of the "What's the haps?" Section and now I'm just sad, lazy and tired 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=xhO1nWKSrmQ&feature=youtu.be I'll also throw in the skincare routine I made for my tribe: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=doqWHEPSzaM ________________________________________________________________ First the egg task, then the cheese task. This is rigged against vegans and I will not stand for it! 

Tbh I hope whichever side Tyler is on win so I don't have to see him. He is dead to me in this game. 

https://youtu.be/SPKNd_nr-MA I'm sitting at my computer all day tryna win this challenge but eddies got either super speed powers or a very high speed internet connection and either one is fine do long as the FBI agent inside my computer does his job to help me win (we're gonna lose and I'm gonna be voted out for being annoying just watch) 

https://youtu.be/vhhp9PxGgVA ________________________________________________________________ https://youtu.be/BTpHrHkMY0w

*late submission*

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=QT3rFB93OnI

Rebecka https://youtu.be/rDOcb19KaHc I just want to congratulate Eddie on his wifi speed 

https://youtu.be/SmQAAQOhLB0

im legit crying right now i just don’t seem to catch a break why can’t we just win one time please idk what’s going to happen tribal time but we’ll see if we can do the smart thing and get out inactive so we don’t lose again i tried so hard to get points and managed a few but they were so fast i mean seriously what are they using some super speed internet and extra fingers 

A tribe swap? AKA WHAT RUINED ME IN ALL STARS?? HERE WE GO JUST DROP ME AN OXYGEN MASK WHEN YOU GET THE CHANCE THANKS

________________________________________________________________

The admins tried it and put me on this all-male tribe..... OF FRIENDS AND COMP BEASTS THAT KEEP WINNING SO BLOOP!! Himalayas is shaking All Stars could never

Am I gonna miss Julia, Rebecka, and my fallen son Tim? Absolutely. Will I make the most out of this situation? Oh you already know. First of all, I'm on my Parvati Shallow grind and so far so good- Shoib created an alliance w/ me and Mitch to honor Duncan and Ashvika; Eddie is completely counting on me now that Julia is gone and Preciado is split; and Jake and I kinda sorta had a pre-made Final 2 oops. Also Drew loves me SO we out here. I hope to tighten things up with Jacob and Tyler but we'll see. Second of all, the last time I was on a tribe of all men, I was the last one standing. Me doing the Lord's work and getting men sent out one by one? Yep sounds about right

https://media.giphy.com/media/ObTkhX1gpCHpC/giphy.gif

Third of all, and the most important thing is, Navarino is going great. I'm not a threat yet, I haven't had to be cracked so I'm slipping right on by, AND my social game is solid. Rebecka and Madison described me best in Himalayas when they said I stack everything like a house of cards. I'm doing a lot more socially this time around, but the fact remains: I know what I'm doing. I know when to be smart and when to play dumb, when to lead and when to sit back. We all know I can create targets and blindsides anytime any day but why rush things? It's pre-merge. Less is more so the motto is que sera sera. Jacob wants to be inactive? Cool go right ahead. Tyler wants to leave me on read? No problem. I want them to keep digging their graves so I can be the one to dump the dirt in. My allies want to prove they're comp kings? Perfect. That makes them perfect for my army. Lord knows I could use a fleet of massive targets that'll get picked off before me. Autumn and the Seven Shields is gonna be good I can feel it

I am loving this tribe swap! We have a really strong tribe and I have gotten to know a few more people quite well - namely Eddie and Drew. My only reservation is that Drew KNOWS I am from Zwooper and that I know Shoib and Jake. I have told all the others that I don't play these Survivor games online. From my conversation with him he told me he adores Jake and would prefer to align with us. We will see how that shakes out. Hopefully we can just continue winning. 

Oh man oh man. Here we go again. Tribal! Hopefully the new tribe doesn’t slowly pick us swap players off but hey at least we get heather. I believe we’re going with Matt as the vote bc he’s slightly inactive but who knows. This could turn out like last tribal and some how a completely different person gets voted out. Hopefully rebecka will save me for a bit until I establish myself again. I’m not sure how I feel about trixie being on the same tribe but I think we’re banding together. No hard feelings I hope. >.>

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=jFkq4NXbKF0

Okay so we swapped tribes and

I'M SITTING SO FUCKING PRETTY RIGHT NOW!!! I swapped with Jacob and Eddie, who were arguably the two people on the old Faves tribe who would most want to keep me, Autumn who is a good target and also is against Jacob's inactivity, Mitchy my fellow puzzle bro comp beast, and ALL FUCKING THREE ZWOOPER BOYS, THAT VIRTUALLY NO ONE KNOWS THEY KNOW EACH OTHER, AND NONE KNOW THAT I KNOW THEM!!! Like not REALLY, especially Tyler, who was so UTR zwooper that he wasn't even added to an initial Zwooper Boys alliance or whatever. This is a tribe I truly think I could ride to merge, if this tribe goes to merge. Mitchy and I are strong enough to crush almost any comp that could come our way, enough people want to work with me, I see no issues. I love that this is happening in the Admirador camp. It's so goddamn bougie hipster of us. Five elitist favorites who have never struggled a day in their lives, save three poor boys from the slums, down on their luck, and take over their neighborhood, leaving our old home to rot. The gentrification of it all is so real, the almond-milk-only coffee shop is being built on Thursday. Hopefully we can keep polishing up this turd of a campsite until it shines and all the white people wanna move here. I feel bad for Tee, Vi, and Trixie because all three tried in the challenge, but the Faves over there would be absolute idiots if they didn't send one of them home. Considering Heather is joining them tonight after tribal, I can't see how letting themselves become 4-4 is a good idea. But that's gonna be on them, I guess, there are enough people over there that I like but can't see myself working with so bye??? Imma just stay happy.

my question for tribal says it all pretty much which i can post after this but i am realizing that if you aren’t part of the in crowd then you are left out just like school and I’ve had enough of that to last a lifetime so if this is my end so be it since too many people seem to know each other if i leave i hope Tyler decimates them i hate the fake people here and want the other tribe which actually talked to me and didn’t flat lie to my face ________________________________________________________________ personally activity should be take into account since we want to ensure victory so those that help need to be around somits smart to get dead weight out but i know many of these games are about social game and keeping friends in even if they don’t help exactly known as a floater or a goat since they help with votes and i personally find that unfair but as in life those that deserve to stay end up getting screwed over and those that don’t deserve to stay get to stay but i find that karma always has a way of coming back to work it’s magic  

It's hard getting information from someone you're about to lie too but that's survivor I guess. I'm trying to make it seem like I'm just tagging along trying to survive.

I am soo happy to finally win a challenge! drew already said that he’d be fine with flipping and voting autumn out if we lose so hmmmm i’ll keep that in mind. anyways i went on call with eddie for like and hour and just talked we’ve bonded over stuff before but have never played together so i think no one would expect us to be allies. he says he was happy to swap tribes bc he didn’t know where he stood with the faves. so with eddie and drew i see cracks in the faves which is good for me :)))

Drew and I had a conversation this morning making me feel very good about him wanting to work with. So you can expect my paranoia about whether he’s just playing me or not to subside for about a day and a half but it’ll definitely be back by monday night latest. Cause we love having a character flaw of needing constant affirmation from somebody in order for my paranoia about them to subside ANYWAY, basically Drew and I were talking this morning and we began speaking about the tribe swap and he let me know that he was ecstatic with how it ended up. The key point in this conversation that made me happy was the fact that he almost instantly said he almost kinda wants to flip on the faves since they didn’t make us feel comfortable at all on the last tribe, and he also let me know that he thinks blindsiding Autumn with the fans might be a good move to make in order to split up her and Ben since he believes that her and Ben are tight.And before y’all get shook, NO I do not have any intention of blindsiding Autumn and I have every intention of making sure my queen makes merge. So that’s OFF the table, But Drew doesn’t know that. I spoke to Autumn last night and asked her about her general feelings on the people who were on our tribe prior to this game. She basically said that she really like Drew and Julia, Julia makes sense because of Crossroads and I also know she was being hella social on our pre-swap tribe and Drew also makes sense cause as soon as Drew said publicly that him mo and autumn should make a chat to talk about Drag race, I knew that would be a talking point that will bond autumn and drew together. But then again if Autumn feels like she has to say that just because she might feel like I’m close to drew then it might not be true. But idk how much people are actually worried about drew and i working together cause nobody seemed to care about the crossroads cess pool that our pre swap tribe was. I’m planning to go on a call with little miss drew and tell him that Autumn said she really likes him and that she feels that they’ve bonded over drag race in order to get drew to see autumn more as a number than as a threat. Once Drew see’s somebody as a possible number to advance him in the game, he doesn’t care who you are he doesn’t want you gone, so hopefully I can throw him off of Autumn for a bit because I’m planning on trying to lowkey get something going between Autumn, Drew, and I so that we can be the ones who dictate what goes on, on this tribe. Autumn has a connection to Jake from crossroads, and Drew has a connection to Jake from Zwooper, I have a connection with jake that unless he has mentioned to anybody they wouldnt know, but jake and i actually began talking regularly before cross roads ended because he said he was a charli xcx stan in a vl which so am i so naturally i ran to his pms REAL fast. The reason were making sure miss Autumn gets to merge is because she is going to be a key factor in me playing both sides once the merge comes!! IF she really is close with ben like drew thinks, and has connections to the cross roads people and she feels that i am somebody who 100% has her back i will be clued in on anything that they might be doing behind my back. Rebecca also messaged me when the swap was announced saying that we both need to make merge so that we can kill this game together. The problem with people is they go to merge and then they asked the question of “oh no what am I going to do.” With me, every single thing I do pre-merge is so that when I do make that merge, I am in the prime position to make a long run in this game and have connections from both sides. I would like Drew in the merge to be my meat shield. Although I don’t know if people will actually try to target him because Drew is Drew and for some reason he always does really well in games.  If Drew can shield me for the first few rounds while I do my scheming and plotting and set myself up in a good position that will be perfect. The only problem is that Drew KNOWS that’s my game and I think he won’t be blind to it. This is music to my ears!! Autumn is already perceiving Drew as a threat. I love a meat shield!!! [2/18/18, 2:14:26 PM] Eddie Bracco (Mongolia host): [2/18/18, 2:12:38 PM] Autumn Hill: Like out of all the Preciado people getting swapped onto Admirador I’m glad he’s here cause he’s both strategic and good at challenges [2/18/18, 2:13:24 PM] Autumn Hill: will probably be a problem at merge haha but for now yeah he’s a big help Literally the only reason that I could be reading this situation wrong is if Autumn and Drew are somehow actually really close and planning everything they say to me to see if they can trust me

I am happy with tribe swap I feel like I am in a good spot and I like Drew and feel like he has my back.

I've been a busy busy flop. My social game has been pretty much nonexistent, and I haven't been doing well at the challenges that require a big time commitment. I'm lucky as FUCK that the favs have numbers in the swap, I was super paranoid that Ben and Mo might flip but we gucci. I'm in a sort of three person alliance with Julia and Rebecka, but Julia is my ride or die right now. I wanna make some MOVES now that I'm not as busy!!

[sweetwritertanya]

Is mandatory to go to all classes only IF you want to pass without taking a final exam, but its up to u. I did that last year and my grades were almost perfect so i want the same this year thats why i push myself to stay there even w a horrible migrane. Thing is I change my "goals" all the time. So i don't have a specific thing in mind to keep me going. It was more of "meh, i know people with this degree tend to have a good well paid job and is my hometown so might as well just give it a go"

(cont.) I mean as a child i wanted to be an actress and pretend i was one but everybody goes thru something like that i think, and lets be real, it will never happen lol i used to write too but not enough to say its my thing idk it's hard yo explain i wanted to be many things. I'm just scared that i'm not making enough sacrifices for what i want in life and even more cuz idk what i want, what i'm good at and what's more convenient at this day and age. I sorta like what im studying...

It feels too serious, and when in doubt i think that maybe i should do something that doesnt involve treating w patients, but then i think that if i get to help somebody and make a good living then its the Best of both worlds it's just aghhhh. Again, sorry to bother you w this but i like the way you interact and well that was it. Thanks ♥️ and PS: love your writing pls pls never stop i read them when i want to scape reality lol which is pretty often these days haha

You don’t bother me at all honey, I’m just sad I can’t be more helpful to you. I truly think you shouldn’t go for a specific carrer just because you think it pays well or it’s what’s expected or something, It should be something you enjoy even if only a little, cause it’s something you’ll be doing for most of your life. But I also know not many people get to do what they truly love and that sucks. 

If you truly don’t know what you want yet, do a bit of reserach and think about it for a while. There has to be something that sparks your interest out there. Don’t pressure yourself to make sacrifices if you don’t even know if the reason you are sacrificing its worth enough. It is admirable that you want to help people, but there are many other jobs in which you can do so that you may prefer. Maybe look into it. Also, money is important but not the most important thing. Don’t stay in a job you don’t like only because of money, it’s unfair to you and unfair to the people you will work with (colleagues and patients).

As for college, I also had exams at the end of each semester, it would be a full month of six to eight final exams. It was stressful studying for them, but because I was mentally prepared and could study on my own terms, it was worth it. I can’t say how it would be for you, so if you want to attend every class and avoid the exam I wish you luck. But please don’t strain your mental health over it. Part of being an adult is to know when you need a break. Take care of yourself the best you can, alright?

You can “talk” to me whenever you’d like, I like interacting with you all too! 😊 And thank you for telling me you enjoy my stories, it always makes me smile to know that. I have no intention of stopping for now, so don’t worry! You already have too many concerns, don’t add that to the list honey. ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

[atlas-evolves]

it's the book anon, lol. i'm too shy to come off anon, but i'm glad you appreciate my messages! i'll message you more, then! :) why don't you do everyone in trc for that ask thing?

awwww!!!!!!!!!!! thats okay, love!!!! and yeah, feel free to do this anytime, even if it’s not about books!!!! ily!!!

Blue Sargent

 Why I like them: she’s a badass female character that doesn’t take any boy’s bullshit. also, she works really hard to achieve her dreams and she’s really resilient. also her fashion sense? amazing. i aspire to be her, tbh. also she’s short like me lol

Why I don’t: okay, it’s not even something i don’t like about her, because i sorta do? but it’s kinda off-putting how cliché her character is? like she’s the only one in her family that isn’t a psychic, but she’s a ~mirror~. i love cliché things tho….. so it’s conflicting?

·         Favorite line: “I just want to pretend. I want to pretend I could.” / “It should be so.” / Every fight she had with Adam, tbh.

·         OTP: bluesy, duh.

·         Brotp: ronan/blue….idk what the ship name is but their friendship is the reason i breathe tbh.

·         Head Canon: idk…. i like her canon enough lmao like i don’t think i have any?

·         Unpopular opinion: probably the thing i wrote above lmao

·         A wish: that she lives a long, happy life and goes to costa rica and fulfills all of her dreams

·         An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen: she changes anything about her ever

·         5 words to best describe them: feminist, aesthetic, hardworking, funny, badass

·         My nickname for them: i don’t have one

Richard “Dick” Campbell Gansey III

·         Why I like them: he is the greatest friend ever? he cares so much about his friends and he’s just so…. so good to them. he’s also so smart and so driven to do the things he wants to do and i admire him so much for that. also he can be That Bitch when he needs to be and i live for it. all his fucking quirks it’s beautiful.  i relate to his anxious ass lmao his fashion sense kills me too.

·         Why I don’t: the! motherfucking! will-he-die-shit! i haven’t finished the raven king and i’m lowkey pulling my hair out every time i read a scene with him in it.

·         Favorite line: “I believe I’m having a panic attack.” / “I like you an awful lot, Blue Sargent.” / The whole duck scene / “Crushed and broken. Just the way women like ‘em.” / “Safe as life.”

·         OTP: bluesey

·         Brotp: god……………………………………. the trio, tbh. i live for their friendship. don’t make me choose between them.

·         Head Canon: i have this very specific head canon for how his voice sounds but idk how to describe it

·         Unpopular opinion: idk?

·         A wish: that he lives happily,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, please………………

·         An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen: having him die,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

·         5 words to best describe them: driven, anxious, king, leader, fighter

·         My nickname for them: none?

Ronan Lynch

·         Why I like them: where do i start………………………………. god. first of all how much he loves his family and his friends. like he would literally die for them and holy fuck he’s so fucking sweet. like he masks it with this harsh exterior but like??? he gave adam lotion, he paid his rent. he goes to church every sunday to see his brother. he wrote “remembered” on noah’s car over “murdered” i cried tbh. he didn’t kill kavinsky the first time he saw him?  he dreamt up a fucking baby raven, named it chainsaw, and raised that thing. fucking angel. but he’s also a huge asshole? also how fucking Dramatic he is, because same. i just…… really relate to this asshole so much.

·         Why I don’t: okay…… so when he dreamt that night and almost died….. he let gansey and everyone let him thing that he killed himself…….. and then liked joked about it………. like i get his reasoning and like i totally understand it all, but as someone whose struggled with suicide and shit…. it just wasn’t cool to read that.

·         Favorite line: everything he says is perfect tbh but…. “You’re already dead!” / “Thanks Parrish, I like your face, too.” / “It makes you look like a loser.” / “There was never a you and me.” / “Jesus Mary Fuck!” / “You’re just jealous because you didn’t find one, too.” / “I’m being perfectly fucking civil.” / “Don’t fucking swear.” / “Maybe I dreamt you.” / “Gansey’s partying with his mother. And Noah’s fucking dead. But Parrish is here.”

·         OTP: pynch…………..rovinsky (kill me tbh but like….. i ship it)

·         Brotp: gansey/ronan, and blue/ronan, i live for their friendships tbh also!!! noah/ronan, i think that’s my fave

·         Head Canon: i have this head canon (that’s basically canon) but if any of his friends, even if they’re not adam, need something, he’ll dream it for them and hide it somewhere they’ll find it. also this is also canon but when he moves to the barns he dreams a shit ton of animals and will text pictures of them to adam gansey and blue all the time and that he makes his animals a meme and everyone loves it. also trans ronan is my fucking shit

·         Unpopular opinion: tbh…. idk

·         A wish: he lives a long, happy life as a farmer with his beautiful husband and adoptive daughter i’m waiting for the dreamer trilogy to kill me

·         An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen: pls….. don’t hurt my son or his friends……… keep everyone safe.

·         5 words to best describe them: asshole, dramatic, caring, strong, honest

·         My nickname for them: nothing, yo

Adam Parrish

·         Why I like them: where the fuck do i even………. ok so like adam is so fucking strong, okay? he stayed at an abusive household, didn’t accept charity, and stuck to his principles. that shit is so fucking hard. and when it came down to it, he stuck up for himself, and got his father in trouble, and accepted his friends help, which in some ways is harder. and he’s so driven, working multiple jobs to pay for food and school and rent, going to a private school school and getting A’s because he knows that he has to work hard to achieve what he wants. and he’s intuitive. he knows that ronans crushing on him, he figured out that gansey was destined to die, and he’s just….. so smart. And he’s!!!! bisexual. love that representation.

·         Why I don’t: okay…. so like, i understand sticking to your principles, but……. there’s a time where it’s totally acceptable to not. and when you’re fucking able to leave an abusive household, that’s a pretty good fucking reason. Granted, he did eventually, but he could’ve don’t it a lot sooner. he’s just a little shortsighted, i guess? Ironic, lmao. also, his callouts (like with blue, when telling ronan he knew he paid the rent, etc.) is appreciated, because he isn’t taking bullshit, he could… handle them better.

·         Favorite line: “That’s this biggest lie you’ve ever told.” (GET REKT) /  all his exchanges with ronan tbh / “I’d like to press charges.” / “Nobody knows what [enter long word here] means, Gansey.” / all his callouts with blue

·         OTP: pynch

·         Brotp: gansey/adam

·         Head Canon: I have very specific headcanons for him but like………. idk it’s too long

·         Unpopular opinion: binch idk

·         A wish: he lives a happy, long life with his famer boyfriend and adoptive daughter.

·         An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen: just let my son be happy, alright? Happy and safe

·         5 words to best describe them: a mess, motivated, sad, intuitive, angry

·         My nickname for them: idk??

Noah Czerny

·         Why I like them: He’s literally so cute and sweet??? But also??? kinda terrifying. A+

·         Why I don’t: Because I’m halfway through trk and idk whats happening with him

·         Favorite line: “He threw me out the window!” / “Glitter! Whoops!” / “I’ve been dead for seven years.” / “I’ve told you I was dead. I’m dead.” / all his interactions with blue rip

·         OTP: god…. i don’t ship him romantically with anyone???

·         Brotp: Ronan/Noah // Blue/ Noah

·         Head Canon: like with everyone they’re too specific rip

·         Unpopular opinion: That he’s Good? idk

·         A wish: that he does whatever the hell he wants

·         An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen: he passes on? does he? Don’t tell me

·         5 words to best describe them: cute, scary, eccentric, gullible, creative

·         My nickname for them: none

 Joseph Kavinsky

·         Why I like them: i just love him, alright? he’s garbage, i know. but like……… you can tell he’s been through a lot in life, and who wouldn’t be fucked up after their dad tried to murder them? and he’s very… gung-ho about everything i love it. and how blunt he is? live for it.

·         Why I don’t: he could…. Not use homophobic slurs. Lmao dude, ur gay af, u can stop.

·         Favorite line: “It’s either with me or against me.” / tbh all his shots at gansey/ronan being together / that exchange with ronan when he was talking about his past

·         OTP: god………………………… lavinsky…………….. shoot me i know. also him and proko.

·         Brotp: him and proko…. And lavinsky tbh.

·         Head Canon: i have a lot riperoni

·         Unpopular opinion: he’s a Good character. Maybe not a good person, but…..

·         A wish: him not being dead would be pretty great.

·         An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen: the worst has already happened so wtf else could tear me down? (this is not an invitation………..)

·         5 words to best describe them: gay, blunt, asshole, sad, jealous

·         My nickname for them: none

 Henry Cheng

·         Why I like them: Because he’s so nice to everyone? Like he helps Blue at school when they fake that fight. He offered to fly places with her. And all his interactions with Gansey? A+

·         Why I don’t: I literally don’t know if I trust him or not? Like I’m sure I can but that thing with the robot bee? Rude.

·         Favorite line: Honestly…. Every line he says is iconic. / “Life is a show.” / the interaction with gansey in blue lily, lily blue / the interaction with gansey in the Aglionby hidey hole

·         OTP: i don’t ship him romantically with anyone rip

·         Brotp: him and gansey also him and blue tbh

·         Head Canon: don’t have any tbh

·         Unpopular opinion: Idk

·         A wish: that he’s happy and stops being fucking…………. mysterious.

·         An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen: that he fucks everyone over? (please don’t tell me if he does or doesn’t but like………… pls henry)

·         5 words to best describe them: helpful, funny, charitable, dramatic, eccentric

·         My nickname for them: none

[imabookmarkaddict]

trevor is cheesy, markus’ thoughts on hanging and banging

Poor trevor trying to understand anything markus says

puzzlezToday at 3:45 AM

yeh i already have an idea for how markus explains it

[

3:46 AM

]

i was thinking the series could be something like idfk

WelshenToday at 3:46 AM

Yeah okay good i just didnt wanna put u in a place of trying to describe something supernatural

[

3:47 AM

]

Markus is good at recognizing patterns too so series of numbers r p easy to notice

puzzlezToday at 3:47 AM

13 7 21 18 12 1 23 17 6 3 22

[

3:47 AM

]

where it's 3 series of numbers that alternate or smth

[

3:47 AM

]

they all go up by 5

[

3:48 AM

]

13 to 18 to 23, 7 to 12 to 17, 21 to 1 to 6

[

3:48 AM

]

if u can even see it god nowi'm like markus

[

3:48 AM

]

but he has no idea how to explain it to trevor

WelshenToday at 3:48 AM

Oh god yeah exact

puzzlezToday at 3:48 AM

so he just writes it down and shows it to trevor like see u see the pattern

[

3:48 AM

]

and trevor is just staring at a string of random numbers

WelshenToday at 3:48 AM

Its like trevor explaining morning runs to markus

puzzlezToday at 3:48 AM

...tf drugs u on

[

3:48 AM

]

and markus just keeps writing numbers

[

3:49 AM

]

like do u see the pattern?

[

3:49 AM

]

here i'll do another one give me a number

[

3:49 AM

]

and trevor does and markus writes and then says now you do th next one

[

3:49 AM

]

and trevor blinks down at the numbers

[

3:49 AM

]

maybe it can get cute

[

3:49 AM

]

trevor has no idea what markus is doing and decides time to change subject cuz numbers, lol

[

3:50 AM

]

and maybe the last number in the series markus wrote was a 3

WelshenToday at 3:50 AM

Probably? Time for sex education

puzzlezToday at 3:50 AM

and trevor just adds a < to it

[

3:50 AM

]

yeh i see the pattern

[

3:50 AM

]

"<3"

WelshenToday at 3:50 AM

Oh thats cheesy christ

puzzlezToday at 3:50 AM

u asked for it

WelshenToday at 3:50 AM

But markus doesnt use phones he has no clue

puzzlezToday at 3:50 AM

hey maybe markus can call him out on it

[

3:50 AM

]

oh fuck then it's perfect

[

3:50 AM

]

maybe trevor is bad at flirting with guys sometimes??

WelshenToday at 3:51 AM

Im sure he has never tried in his life

puzzlezToday at 3:51 AM

like maybe he tried cheesy stuff with girls and it worked so whenever he feels lost and confused he just defaults to a cheesey cute one liner

WelshenToday at 3:51 AM

Just dates idk cheerleaders and other sporty girls

[

3:51 AM

]

Omh yah perf

puzzlezToday at 3:51 AM

how would markus react tho

[

3:52 AM

]

would he enjoy it mostly like watching an amusing 5 yo play at dressup

[

3:52 AM

]

or would he just cringe like wtf drugs r U on

WelshenToday at 3:53 AM

He would just be confused until he understands and then embarrassed to heck

[

3:53 AM

]

Markus doesnt flirt much either u kno

[

3:54 AM

]

Its just heres money lets go

puzzlezToday at 3:54 AM

poor thing

[

3:54 AM

]

if i remember correctly, will was a smooth talker flirter

WelshenToday at 3:54 AM

Squint

[

3:54 AM

]

If u mean when he said ur beautiful after like 2mins is smooth

[

3:54 AM

]

Yeah

puzzlezToday at 3:55 AM

so yeah maybe trevor can be bad as heck at flirting until he feels awkward and spits out those one-liner balls of cheese in a rush of panic

[

3:55 AM

]

well i'm p sure will thought he was a smooth talker

[

3:55 AM

]

ppl probs too polite to point out he ain't

[

3:55 AM

]

but yeh thought it might give markus some variation?

[

3:56 AM

]

unless u prefer trevor to be good at flirting

WelshenToday at 3:57 AM

No trevor can be bad but markus is equally bad

puzzlezToday at 3:57 AM

perrrrrrrfect

[

3:57 AM

]

i picture trevor kinda secretly watching markus for cues sometimes on what to do??

[

3:57 AM

]

i mean porn shows u terrible, fake, unrealistic sex

WelshenToday at 3:57 AM

And markus is normally not very perceptive

puzzlezToday at 3:57 AM

at best u learn how to bend your hips back forward in impossible yoga/sex moves

[

3:58 AM

]

and since he tried those and learned nothing trevor knows nada about actual relationships with dudes

[

3:58 AM

]

so i had a feeling he was going to sort of quietly watch markus for leads on what to do

[

3:58 AM

]

so markus being bad at teaching + panicked trevor + cheesy pickup line + markus confused + markus not able to flirt back = a terrible awkward but adorable couple of doofuses

[

3:58 AM

]

and this i can absolutely work with

WelshenToday at 3:59 AM

Markus can do it technically but not very enthusiastically?? If that makes sense

[

3:59 AM

]

He gets better but u kno

[

3:59 AM

]

Yes i hope that works

[

3:59 AM

]

Theyre both idiots

puzzlezToday at 3:59 AM

i think that makes sense

[

4:00 AM

]

maybe squint

[

4:00 AM

]

do you mean he like technically knows how/can think of something flirty to say but has no oomph behind it? like no drive to actually look/sound flirty?? or smth else?

WelshenToday at 4:02 AM

Yes pretty much

[

4:03 AM

]

I mean hes heard it all obv but that was more or less when he got paid so it sounds fake to him i guess(edited)

[

4:04 AM

]

So he can repeat it but i doubt he knows how to mean it? Or that he could stick to things he ACTUALLY means (but hed be too awk to say)

[

4:04 AM

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And that goes for all relationship hijinks

[

4:05 AM

]

Jo was a weird mix of paid and cute stalker?? They didnt flirt so much as get along

puzzlezToday at 4:06 AM

yeahh okay

[

4:06 AM

]

it makes sense tho

WelshenToday at 4:07 AM

Hey hes a mess

puzzlezToday at 4:07 AM

i made a char who was a prostitute and if deffo made him bad at relationships for similar reasons

[

4:07 AM

]

(my ghost waja actually)

[

4:07 AM

]

(prostitute ghost waja)

[

4:07 AM

]

(v wajas appropriate)

[

4:07 AM

]

so then does markus actually uhh like idk enjoy sex?

[

4:08 AM

]

if he's done all kinds of stuff from vanilla to crazy-whatever-clients want stuff i'm assuming he's tried/seen most if not all flavors of sex?

[

4:08 AM

]

so would it be 100% a chore to get through sex or would he still enjoy it in relationships?

[

4:09 AM

]

i wasn't sure how to write the sorta kinda sex scene with trevor for this reason squint

WelshenToday at 4:10 AM

Im pretty sure hes asexual but not aromantic, he definitely thinks its a chore but if its with someone he has a romantic interest in its a fun chore?(edited)

[

4:10 AM

]

And at this stage its the only way he knows how to connect with people well guys anyway

[

4:12 AM

]

Adam fits him better cuz hes got low interest in sex and markus prefers making out and cuddling?

[

4:12 AM

]

Thats like 10years later when markus has gotten some idea of what he prefers tho

[

4:12 AM

]

Does that even make sense

puzzlezToday at 4:13 AM

yeah

[

4:13 AM

]

like i said my one oc was a prostitute and he's of a similar uh... mind? i guess is the word?

[

4:13 AM

]

in that regard

WelshenToday at 4:13 AM

Yeah

[

4:14 AM

]

Im sure theres plenty of types of people, but these ones just do it as any other job?

[

4:14 AM

]

I think markus referred to it as not much difference to idk toilet janitor, he even prefers this cuz he can lay down and nap lol

puzzlezToday at 4:15 AM

omfgggg

WelshenToday at 4:16 AM

Probably napped while working to be honest

puzzlezToday at 4:16 AM

yeh my char did it purely for money and he's impatient af but decent at acting so an extent to he pretended to enjoy company of his clients for the money but secretly hated most of them and the kinkier ones ruined sex for him in a way? like it's just "pretend and act out these ridiculous things" so he doesn't really enjoy sex, figures it's a chore, just gotta see it through to the end, and that mindset continues with him for a while(edited)

[

4:16 AM

]

but i can see markus napping

[

4:17 AM

]

lazy bones boy

[

4:17 AM

]

so i'm guessing markus wouldn't really initiate sex then

WelshenToday at 4:18 AM

He would if trevor made him uncomfortable enough

[

4:18 AM

]

Cuz at lesst he knows how to do THAT

puzzlezToday at 4:19 AM

yeah okay that makes sense

[

4:19 AM

]

poor kid tho rofl

[

4:20 AM

]

so i'm assuming trevor is bad as gay sex in general because never tried before but

[

4:20 AM

]

would he be the type to be eager to learn, like want to please markus in bed, or would he be a more impatient/selfish lover, like i wanna race to the end and if we figure out how to please you along the way, then good perf

WelshenToday at 4:22 AM

Probably the first

[

4:22 AM

]

If it was the second one markus would start to feel cheated out of money

[

4:23 AM

]

Well i mean its not easy to do but by that i mean even if trevor is done theyd still make out enough for markus to get over it

[

4:23 AM

]

Squint

[

4:23 AM

]

This is very difficult

puzzlezToday at 4:24 AM

omg snort

[

4:24 AM

]

i think i get what you mean tho

[

4:24 AM

]

markus gets "paid" in uh... affection/devotion?idk if that's the right word but

[

4:24 AM

]

trevor focusing on some kind of need of markus would be like "payment" in a convoluted sense for the sex?(edited)

WelshenToday at 4:25 AM

Yes

[

4:25 AM

]

Pretty much exactly

[

4:26 AM

]

Well markus hasnt had a currency free relationship yet

[

4:27 AM

]

Thinks every bit of affection is to be paid or payment for smth

[

4:27 AM

]

This is babys first real bf tbh(edited)

puzzlezToday at 4:29 AM

trevor?

WelshenToday at 4:30 AM

Markus

[

4:30 AM

]

Well trevors too

puzzlezToday at 4:30 AM

okay yeh i thought you meant markus/trevor

[

4:30 AM

]

making sure

[

4:30 AM

]

first real bfs with each other

[

4:31 AM

]

sad the relationship goes up in such flames

WelshenToday at 4:31 AM

Yes well

[

4:31 AM

]

It was really neithers fault

puzzlezToday at 4:32 AM

and yet the flames buuuurn

WelshenToday at 4:32 AM

But markus is the one on his own after

[

4:32 AM

]

Unless u count spencer

puzzlezToday at 4:32 AM

do u count spencer

WelshenToday at 4:32 AM

As a minus i do

[smireyac]

yea boi u already kno what it issssss 🍾🎆🎉🍾🎆🎉

hey so i started writing this at 8 o’ clock so i would be ahead of the game and actually have more than an hour to write but HEY its already 20 after midnight so who the eff care amiright ladies

WOOOOO 🍾🍾🎆 🎉 🎆 🍾 🎉 🎉 🍾 🍾 🍾 🎆🎆 🎆 🎉 🎆 🎉🍾 🎉 🍾🎆 🎉

so.................... its 2019.....................

i watched vox’s “2018 in 5 minutes” video and cried so thats how this year has been :^) a lot of lows......... we always think we leave the shittiest year behind then lo.............. the next year rears its ugly head and we never learn............ despite this, im gonna try to keep a positive outlook on the new year......... its literally just another day and i have to be in at work @ 9 tmrw but its what ever im already super fucking tired whats losing another hour of sleep anywahy?? its practically expected of me any way what with being a youth,,, ANYWAY i spent my time ringing in the new year watching spiderman homecoming so i think that wa sGREAt its also great  that im gonna get to see spiderverse AGAIN tmrw after work so SUCK ON THAT im ringing in the new year RIGHT!! its a very spidey new year and i wouldnt have it any other way heh.....

alright

so its time.... to reflect...........

and actually reflect this time last year was weak sauce compared to the first year “im too unfocused right now happy new year or whatever” *scoffs* what r u too good for self reflecting now a days huhh

been doing a lot of self reflecting this year,,,,,, but today we will look back on how the previous years have gotten me to where i am today...

if 2016 was the year of change and 2017 was the year of getting used to things.............. 2018 felt like............ the year of getting TOO used to things, of not ENOUGH change............. like alright i scratched a few of the bigger things on my yearly “to do” list/resolutions, i. e. finally going back to school and getting a job at the library, but like.......... i definitly dont feel like i did enough........... my art game was SO WEAK and i feel like i wrote less than 10,000 words ALL YEAR (not counting my academic papers) i didnt really CREATE anything this i dont have ANYTHING significant to show for this year............and to get more negative i didnt even make any friends all year NONE FRIENDS im only *just* starting to get more friendly with people at the library thank GOD theyre nice and gave my shy ass a chance to open up but i still dont feel like ill make FRIEND friends theyre just work friends and u kno what thats making me so pissed bc its tricking my dumb ass into thinking i have a crush on someone at work aND that i want a *romantic* relationship with them!!! OUTRAGEOUS im so peeved.......................... i also still havent gotten behind a wheel but at this point im not sure if i will anytime soon bc im That Way..... grrrr im just mad thinking of all the things i didnt do so motherfucker i will make 2019 the year of DOING!!!! and i had so many resolutions last year i feel like the more i had the less i felt like i had to do them, like i was just saying all that to be like “oh wouldnt it be nice if any of these things happened lmao” so yeah 2019: the year of DOING... and since ive kinda sorta figured out that writing is my thang.... i think i wanna focus on doing that.. and anything that will help me do it

SO: #GOALS for 2K19

-WRITE AT LEAST 50.000 WORDS U COWARD, more than just “brainstorming” too bc thats like a cop out, write like stories or dialogue or scenes or scripts or WHATEVER just make it to 50,000 pls some people do that in like a month

-READ UR GOD DAMN BOOKS, u *cant* buy anymore if u dont read the ones u’ve already bought,,,, im willing to make an acception re: checking things out from the library................ but u rlly shouldnt IT WOULD’VE BEEN SO EASY TO WIN THE BET DUDE srsly..... maybe .... an hour b4 bed ? try to read ? at least try to read once a week dude....

-heres a curve ball WATCH MORE MOVIES !!! u say u love film well fuckin act like u do...... u only went to the movie theater 5 times all year and three of those were all in the last month to go see spiderverse, more than that HOW MANY movies are there on netflix that u see and go “oh i should watch that finally” or “people say thats rlly good bro” and u scroll right past to watch the same 3 fuckin movies i s2g

-oh yeah back to the writing thing, to reach that 50,000 goal u should write about what you read and watch, there u’ll prob meet the goal b4 summer if u do that bro but....u actually gotta do it....................

ok those r the 4 im REALLY gonna work on and try to keep track of in either of the journals sien got me :^) these next few i rlly want to happen but..... we’ll see

-make some friends pls.... pls be more friendly......... ENGAGE  people when u have the opportunity askQUESTIONS about them like if they have a dog or a hobbie jesus h christ

-go out..... on ur own..... do stuff............by urself if u have to... go to the movies by urself go to a park, walk around down town for the fuck of it idk DO STUFF

-finish something............ for once in ur miserable life...................................... finish the vlog or the scrapbook..... or the reading list or this set of goals PLEAsE ANYTHING

im not even gonna put draw/art blog related stuff on here bc........ its not what i want........ like i love drawing and i dont think im terrible at it, im at a good place with it but i dont wanna put my energy this year into drawing stuff for the sake of me being able to say “i did it” like...... last yr and the yr b4 i rlly RLLY wanted to get better at art to idk prove that i could?? but like i havent picked up my drawing tablet in months ... that makes me really sad but i dont really feel like picking it up either? ? i said i wanted to take a painting/color theory/ life drawing class maybe i will this yr and it’ll reinvigorate my love of drawing........ tbh spiderverse got me *this close* to being pumped about art and animation and like yeah i still am, i love the medium and its still a dream of mine to be apart of it but it feels like a pipe dream if i try to go thru the art angle........ so many people r better than me at that and its not really what i wanna do,,, i wanna CREATE STORIES and worlds and characters and like i used my art to help *me* develop those but... i dont wanna use my art to do it for someone else i guess............. the art of animation itself still facsinates me so they door isnt close yet but,,, i wanna focus on the other aspect of myself that im more and at the same time LESS confident about lmao WRITING like alright,,, i think im a good writer .... sorta ? like yeah people tell me i am and sometimes when i look back on things ive written im like “dAMN i wrote this ???” but like,,,, there are some things to writing that still. escape me... like poetry.... and a lot of other aspects to it that i cant describe write now bc it would take too long and im getting cold and tired SO YEAH hopefully this english class will help me, even tho its just writting for college essays, i need to start somewhere and if shes rlly as good of a professor as rate my professor says then ill learn smthg new

where was i

well the year wasnt ALL bad, like i said i got the job at the library i wanted and FINALLY got to go to school, stressful as that mightve been........ and i got to see my love, my darling, the light of my life rhys again for one glorious week,, hopefully ill be able to see more of my friends this year? either in miami or milwuakee idc which MAYBE BOTH lmao im not that rich but hey i can dream,,,

alright its 1:12am i think im ready to sign off,,,,,,,,, here’s to DOING in 2019

🥂 cheers

[b00bconnoisseur]

Hey do all of the greek god asks

Long post alert

Aphrodite: what you find attractive in a person

Lots of stuff really. But in mostly personality and interests over looks. U can be not really the most good lookin but be the most wonderful person. But u could also be the most beautiful thing ive ever laid eyes on but you're trash of a person. So looks dont matter much to me. But in a person i like if we share interests like art, music, books, and if youre really nice and stuff too

Apollo: favourite piece of music

Ooooo thats hardddd. Just ONE?? Howwww?! Ughhhh. Ok hm idk abt a FAVORITE but i really love heavy by johnnie guilbert and uhh i love ghost and heroin by badflower along with a bazillion others

Ares: opinion on war

If u mean infinity war? Um THAT MOVIE WAS SAD BUT AWESOME AF BUT THAT END THO AAAAAAAAA

Artemis: favourite animal and why

Snakesssss. I just really love snakes. I love the creepiness abt the lil beans. I love how they look. AND I LOVE WHEN THEY WEAR LIL HATS

Athena: share a piece of wisdom

Dont eat Oreos with hotsauce kids. It wont taste good

Dionysus: red, white, or rosé?

I do not drinketh wine but i like the color white over the other 2 so let's go with white

Eros: describe your crush

Nsnsnxndnsnsm damn. Ok uh well he likes hp as well. Hes a tumblr user. Annnddd hes nice :) thats all u lil munchkins get. And only 3 ppl know who this is so ha

Hades: do you believe in life after death?

Like heaven/hell? Idk. Sorta. But i don't really believe it as an afterlife. I think of it as u dead, thats where u go. Over with. But the thought of living like a 100 yrs then being gone for the rest of time sounds stupid like cmon those dudes in the bible can live for thousands of years and we get an average of like 75? Nah. But idk yet

Helios: opinion on tanning

I am already tan. I get more pale in winter n stuff but in summer my skin turns a golden brown color more. Kinda like the color of a cooked hotdog?

Hephaestus: do you think disability can ruin a relationship?

Oof hmm. What kind of disability? Like depression? (wait does it count as one?) I say it can yea maybe but if your partner is loving and supportive and is trying to help then i say you'll be okay

Hera: opinion on feminism

Idk i feel like im sort of a feminist myself. Like i hate that women don't have the same rights as men. Dude hear this. Me and my bro were arguing with our grampa about Hillary clinton or having a woman President and so my bro said to my grampa "so if tam (me) ran for President u wouldn't vote for her? Just cause she's a girl?" And my grampa said "*laughs* yeah i mean i love ya hun but women dont need to be president. Its a mans job. Men are supposed to be the leaders not women. Tge bible says so. No i wouldn't vote for u" and i got pissed cause wtf man??? What's wrong with u?? And then we kept arguing and then he was like *fake laughs* nah i was jk hun u know id vote for u youre my granddaughter. And i called him a liar and that he was lying because i know when hes lying. Then he started being racist abt smtn and then my mom got fed up and we left. I wouldn't talk to my grampa and he got mad so he said I was the one being stupid. Yeah sure ok believe that

Hermes: last text you sent

Uh it was to my best friend and it was "Not a big fan of hp huh?" But before that it was "That's not fai!r everyone has that one book they dont finish when they start on another. And when they dont finish it it usually means they weren't that interested in it. Or they really wanna read this new book cause its hard to focus on the old book when u have the new book and can read it whenever instead"

Persephone: is climate change really a thing or is everyone just overreacting?

I say its a thing!! Everythings changing and i dont think its for the better

Poseidon: list three fears

1. Momo coming to life and chasing after me and finally catching me then making me stare closely into her eyes while killing me slowly

2. Spiders ( @cristal-kyd1280 including jarvis)

3. Dying/dying by me being stupid like skydiving or eating a cup of apple seeds for no reason

Zeus: three places you want to travel to

@dirtysocke in georgia

@mysisterlooksforthisaccountsobye in the Netherlands

@cristal-kyd1280 a few hrs away from me

Demeter: favourite season and why

FALL CAUSE ITS THE BEST AND U CAN F I T E ME ON IT

Pan: opinion on gay rights

I fucking WHOLEHEARTEDLY support gay rights!!! I feel fucking ashamed cause i haven't always......(thanks mom, dad) but over the years ive gotten a bit more supportive and stuff but especially in summer last year one day after our shift at the library whenever my friend cadence came out as pan/bi/gay to me while she waited with me for my parents to pick me up. Also especially since i got tumblr and saw how amazing the lgbtq are. Like dude most of my friends are gay um and its fucking awesome?? Like for example dude my friend lucas is bi and i could talk to him abt boys n stuff and how cute different dude celebrities are xD Also i learned alot abt what pansexual and bisexual and stuff was exactly (my mom fuckin told me pan was when a person likes anyone. Even ANIMALS. She fuckin disgusted me like wtf who says that??) But now I'm ready to fight whenever any one even my fam starts being homophobic. Also i want to start reading more about the lgbtq. (I loved svthsa) But yea i say gay rights should be supported by fuckin EVERYONE and NO ONE should be homophobic and if u are like bitch keep that shit to yourself before i slug u

Hestia: describe your ideal house

Idk? Like i want an apartment for a while before an actual house yknow? But when/if i do get one eventually idk id like....just a house? Not a big one but not tiny either. Uhhh i wsnt a room just for my books and one for like an art room. Besides that? I cant think of anything lol

Dude it took like an hr and a half to answer all these holy shit