#like sometimes i just be laying here and then im thinking about...what wouldve happened if reconstruction never ended

[wolvebonez]

<- brainworms (constantly thinking about politics) (this post kind of expanded into me waxing poetic in the tags whoops)

[hitoshisbabygirl]

Author's Notes ♡: Hey Hey, it’s me, ya girl and I’m back with another collab! Ive always loved the roommates theme and have a few ideas for some other ones in my head making this. It’s kinda all over the place because it was a professing with their friendship! Yes I made a Zelda reference and I land about it no. I know Rapp is seen as violent and dense but but this is in a collage au so he’s just a bit...aloof I just love the idea of him actually being a big softie ʕ⊙ᴥ⊙ʔ. I hope you enjoy! ~ bunny ❥

Warnings : NSFW!!! (◎_◎;)

Sweet caring sorta himbo(meh?) Rappa, female oral, Big Dick Rappa , sorta size kink if you really sqint,cheater ex mentioned like once , language

Word count : About 5k! Yikes ^^’

Paring(s) : Kendo Rappa x F! Reader

Enjoy ♡

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Having Kendo Rappa as a roommate is an interesting feat in itself. He is big, and loud , very very loud. He wasn't a bad roommate he just..was like a cute large and fluffy puppy that didn't know his size...or power. Their interactions started as the two met during a halloween party one of the frat houses down the street thew. [ ] went as Midna, her best friend Rumi was dressed as Impa while the last two of her friend group , Amaya and Asa, a pair of sisters, were dressed as fairies. “[ ]! Rumi! you two are so cute! Zelda costumes?” Asa asked as her sister ran up to admire their outfits. “Yeah! [ ] wanted to do some characters that matched us y'know?” She said as she nudged her quiet friend , the girl jumped and laughed , scratching her neck as she gave the excited sisters a small smile “If i was coming out tonight I was gonna wear what i wanted to really wear” [ ] said as the group of them laughed and mingled with their other friends and classmates. While heading to get juice , she heard loud screaming , as the sport boys were starting to show up. First was the football team, then the basketball. Baseball and wrestling came next, then the smaller clubs finished them out. Sighing [ ] was content away from everyone as she watched mayhem ensure, chugging of barrels , more music, girls swarming around the players they crushed on as they did minor things, like talk to their teammates or eating from one of the big food trays laying around. Feeling a tap on her shoulder broke her from her people watching, Rumi giving her a bright smile as she took a cup and joined her. “How's my favorite antisocial babe doing now that all of the party has arrived?” She asked as [ ] gave her a pained smile, going to get more if something to drink “Well I don't feel the need to smack anyone is that a good sign?” she chuckled as she got a hug from the more energetic girl “That's my girl! Don't worry, i wanna get out asap but we’re gonna need our favourite pair of sisters before that can happen and it seems like they're fawning over some of the baseball boys as we speak” Rumi said as they watched a familiar tutu of blue go by, followed by a pink one going a similar way. “I don't get it… but at least their taste in men isn't too bad” [ ] joked as Rumi agreed , laughing “Yeah miss tsundere, you can't stand saps, or most of the jocks either” giving the white haired girl a look she rolled her eyes and gave her own laugh back “Yeah I guess i'm either picky or just got high standards” “Ain't nothing wrong with that we all do!” She said as she elbowed the girl beside her.

As the two of them sat there and talked Rumi glanced past her and her eyes widened, causing [ ] to stop talking “What is it-” before she could question her, the white haired girl jumped up, waving at someone “Rap! Over here!” Constantly yelling to someone [ ] started to ask again when a booming voice came from above her “HEY RUMI” a very loud voice called as stomping could be heard before it stopped “I see you took our idea huh?” With that comment [ ] turned around only to be face to face with a dark cover chest, only to then look up to some of the most warm and amber colored eyes looking down at her “Hello there little lady, I like your costume! Erm..Midna aint it?” The giant ganon dressed man questioned as all she could do was shake her head in agreement, causing the giant male to laugh “Awe don't be shy of me kitten i ain't gonna bite!” He chuckled some more as her friend jumped in “I told you she was shy! Be nice Rappa!” Rumi yelled at the flaming red head as he gave her a toothy grin “Oh I was just teasin’ , I bet I ain't hurt her feelin’s did I sweetheart?” Rappa questioned as [ ] face felt hot, hiding her face in her hands as the teasing duo laughed causing the girl to huff “I'm tired of you two already” She said as a giant warm hand touched her shoulders “Awe dont be like that hun, in time ya’l love me” Rappa teased as he gave her a smile,making her stomach flutter “Yeah! This is who wanted you to meet anyway [ ]! This is Kendo Rappa, our top wrestling boy, Rappa this is my adorable best friend [ ]!” Rumi said as the two gave each other a shy smile , a sly one creeping up on Rumis as she thought to herself “Yeah, this'll definitely happen”

Since then the two had become more acquainted , having many classes together and sharing some similar friends [ ] was used to the bruting and sometimes dense man making a random ( and loud) appearance. As [ ] sat in her mostly empty room thanks to her last roommate moving out after constantly breaking sound rules and getting into it with the girl downstairs for being in her bed with her boyfriend (Yikes) she felt a sense of calm. Closing her chemistry book and letting out a relieved sigh [ ] thought about the fact she was going to get a new roommate, the thought was nerve wracking but also it was exciting as well. It was almost too quiet , having the last room by the stairs meant she didn't have to deal with many people besides her friend group. They weren't loud , unless one of her friends decided to get laid and made way too many sounds, or if their neighbors under them threw parties or also had...extra partners coming around. She definitely could feel she was sorta excited she was going to have a roommate again. The sisters had a room to the left of her while Rumi had the one to the right, sharing it with a girl they knew from math. The rooms were not gender defined, some girls having rooms with guys and vise versa so it made it easy to get a room.

These dorms were also quite spacious, the walls not paper thin and a large enough area space that could house two or maybe even three people. So when she heard a knock on her door she expected it to be her new roommate she was advised would come today. Happily opening the door she was shocked and almost terrified to see just a box, well actually a few boxed stacked hiding whoever it was behind them. But if the faed rustic orange hair and wide shoulders meant anything she knew her new roommate already “K-kendo?” [ ] said as the boxes walked by her , landing with a soft thud as bangs covered the male “[ ]? Is that you?” moving his hair out of the way their eyes had the same expression, shocked. “Uh h-hey there sweetheart why isn't this cute, we’re roomies hun?” he laughed as she couldn't help but give him a smile back. “I never expected to see you as my roommate” [ ] teased as Rappa gave her a hardy laugh “Well it looks like me and you are gonna be close friends here darlin’!” With a wide smile he picked her up and gave her a tight hug, taking her breath away ‘ Oh boy i wonder how this will turn out’ she thought as she was eye leve with her giant puppy like friend, his eyes filled of joy

Which leads into now, [ ] trying her hardest to read up on what her next project could be. As she sat there thinking she heard the tale tell sound of her roommate entering with some of his teammates, the boys loud and rambunctious as they entered. Feeling a heavy hand on her shoulder she looked up to the towering boy that was her roommate, his eyes just as bright as usual. “Hey darlin, we're just gonna talk up sum strats a for the upcoming match and play some games in the back , is that alright?” He asked with pleading eyes as one of his more cocky and jock like friends spoke up “Well youre the man here, dont let some women say if we cant or can be here” Rolling her eyes and proceeding to stand up and push past the wide eyed boy who knew what was going to happen. [ ] took in a breath before opening her eyes to look up to the boy “Well it is my room, i pay shit here and the man over there didnt get this place, so i do choose who can and cant come through my place” She said as she pointed a finger to the boys chest. Trying to push his luck he pushed back against her finger “ I bet you just haven’t gotten a good enough dicking for you to just stay out of the way” He laughed. Before [ ] could hit him hard enough her rust haired friend moved in , clearly towering the boy “Yer better watch yer mouth, she has her right around here, im invatin her space so watch it before there's no place for any of us to relax without rules” He said as the boy sucked up any laughing and nodded his head in understanding. Surprised by her usually aloof roommate [ ] stood back and went back to her work, the other boys scrambling behind kendo as the boy who tried to challenge her jumped to follow, never making a move to mock or do anything again.

The boys picked back up and were having fun in the back room of kendo’s , sighs and groans when they lost and victorious laughs and screams if someone won. Once they all left and everything settle to a quiet rumble as the last few funneled out [ ] could here herself think, reading up on chemistry as she felt a presence behind her. “ ‘M sorry, i didn't know my question wouldve cause a roar outta ya..” Kendo started as she smiled gently, turning to face the wounded boy “Its okay….guess it just lit something in me i always did y'know?” She said with a small laugh as she went to type again, but was stopped by the hulking boy. “I gotta make it up to ya alright? I know i aint say anythin that he did but…. It feels like my fault y'know?” He admitted as his large hand covered hers. “You wont live this down will you?” She questioned as his eyes flickered up to hers, sparking. “Nope, not at all. Lemme treat ya right okay?” For such innocent words [ ] couldnt help the shiver that ran down her back at his words. Maybe it was because he was so close, or that the smell of his cologne was too much, either way her head was spinning as she let him still hold her hand as he tugged her away from her computer , his smile widening as she reluctantly shut the bright screen “Great! Now let's get something to eat im starvin” He rasped out as [ ] gave him a giggle that made the boy stop in his tracks. He always thought she had a cute giggle but this one,for some reason , made his heart and chest feel warm and tight. Ignoring the feeling he took the girl with him, the two headed out to get something to eat as they headed down , the sound of her giggling still running though kendos mind.

Getting a random frantic text from Kendo wasn't unusual, in fact it was quite common for him to do such, which now didn't faze [ ] at all but this one was...particularly odd giving what he was asking ‘Hair? And messy? What in the world is he up to’ [. ] thought to herself as she headed to her shared room with the boy, nervous of what scene she could be entering.

Sighing after his last text she hurried her way to their dorm room and in fact he did leave the door open, making her more nervous as she entered the living room. “Kendo?” [ ] called out as she heard a gruff sound come from her bathroom. Entering was a sight of its own; towels, a bowl of some..substance , bags and bottles of body wash and a one flustered and shirtless Kendo. “[ ]! ‘M so glad yer home here take this” The large man said as he handed her an old toothbrush that was frayed and covered with the same odd substance in the bowl. The lingering smell from the room eventually gave it away ; shampoos. “Uh why do i need this? And why is there shampoo on a toothbrush” She questioned as he groaned, taking the towel off his head as she blinked owlishly at his very faded red orange hair, the color now more of a neon pumpkin. Shaking off extra water caused even more of his hair to fall, landing between his shoulder blades as he gave [ ] a desperate look. “It wont come out, and the more i scub the more...orange i become. I look like a orange peel” He whined as [ ] figured out what he was trying to do

“ You wanna remove the color right? A bowl of shampoo and body wash isnt strong enough” Going into their kitchen she grabbed some baking soda and lemon juice , coming back to the hopeless boy “Let me mix something up ive used before okay? Then we can proceed with your hair” Two and a half hours later the boys hair was now a light peachy orange, just light enough to take up with bleach “Well, if were gonna go for blonde ill go get some bleach and some masks, deep conditioners too, your hair is definitely gonna need it and I don’t want it breaking off because you're impatient to take care of it” she sighed as he was amazed at his hair, running a large hand through the still damp mess atop his head “Wow yer good” He said as she smiled at him, taking her keys “And you have a lot of hair. I'll be back” She said as she hopped up “Wait! Lemme go with you?” He asked but also seemed to demand, pleading eyes looking down at hers as wet hair dropped onto his still bare chest.

Trying not to be hypnotized by where they landed and proceeded to slide down she looked up at her amber eyed friend, who was staring intently as he waited for her answer, soft “Please?” coming from his lips. Sighing dramatically on purpose [ ] laughed at him, giving him a grin “of course you can you big puppy” she said as he picked her up in a hug, a gesture that shows his excitement she's come to learn. Putting her down he went to go to the door before his friend called him out “uhm Kendo? You don’t have on a shirt” she said plainly as he looked at her, raising a brow as he gave his rebuttal “Its hot” He responded. Giving him a side eyed look she turned from him and towards their bedrooms, [ ] sliding into his. Soon she came out with a sleeveless one, throwing it at the hulk of a guy infront of her “You can't come in the store without one” She said as he gave a growl of his own, sliding the shirt over his head as they left their apartment “Well at least ya got me one without sleeves” He huffed as they started back to the door, heading out to finally go to the store to start another process on Kendos hair, the male just excited to finally get rid of his pumpkin hair.

As Kendo sat in the shared living room with [ ] , deep conditioning his hair at her yelling request (‘If you dont re nourish it before you want me to bleach it , I won't do it!’ ) he watched his roommate and now his best friend wanderer around and do housley things for their apartment, the girl content as she cleaned and sorted out things in the kitchen, her body turned away from him as he started to think over how beautiful he thought she was. He want the type to brag or gloat about having so many girls comment on his size , height wised and well sometimes other ways , trying to tempt him to them. All while his friends wanted him to explain how he got the attention from the other gender , Kendo hated to admit it but ,he only wanted his roommates' affection. He knew how put together she was, smart and kind. He saw what her previous boyfriend did, a cheater that didnt take care of the beautiful soul he lived with. He couldnt stand seeing her come home and cry herself to sleep broke his heart, and when he fought the cheater, in the act he didnt feel bad once. Of course it ended their relationship, and [ ] yelled at him for fighting , explaining how he couldve ended in jail for fighting her ex, but he argued it would be worth it.

Sitting and mulling over everything he realized Rumi was right, hed do anything for [ ] but not the same for the other females that passed through his life. She actually, was the first person he did that for and that thought made his head dizzy. Moving from his place on the couch he went to stand in the kitchen, waiting for [ ] to come back from her room. Hearing the iconic sound of her feet pittering across the wooden floor he gave her a lopsided smile as she jumped, smacking into the chest of Kendo. Before [ ] could fall from impacting with his chest he caught her, holding her arm to his chest. “K-kendo! You shouldve told me you were in here! Why are you in here anyway?”[ ] scolded as he laughed, moving out of the shorter girl's way as he started his staring again, this time [ ] noticed him “......What?” She asked as he looked down at her, an unreadable look on his face. “Kendo” she called as he hummed, moving closer “Yer gorgeous” Kendo blurted out as [ ] started to stutter, eyes going wide. Taking teo steps forward he essentially trapped his friend between the corner of their kitchen canopy. “Remember when I fought that bastard of an ex you had?” Kendo asked as he saw [ ]’s eyes go soft , shaking her head “What about him...i'm still mad you almost lost everything just to fight him yknow” she huffed as he poked her cheek “Id do it again if it meant you'd be happy again yaknow” Kendo said as he leaned down to push his head against hers, amber and [ ] eyes mingling. Lifting his large hands he traced each side of her cheek, analyzing over her face as he nuzzled against her nose “Stop playin hard to get would ya? Bad enough you got my heart all in your little hands” he whispered as [ ] just started at the giant , her arms gently coming over to cover his that were place on her cheeks “K-ken..i need to start you hair..” She hopelessly try to argue as he groaned, burying his face into her neck. Squealing at his damp hair touching her shoulder [ ] jumped ,pushing the large boy back “Your hair's wet!” She whined as he chuckleed, mo\ving back as it turned into a booming laugh “Oh my ‘m sorry babe , you look surprised” He said as she smacked hsi chest “Go to the sink, i need to rinse the conditioner” She yelled as he hwld his hands up in a mocked surrender, pulling his shirt up and off in one fluid movement. Caught up by him stripping his shirt off [ ] gave him a glance over, the heaviness of him admitting feelings for her in his own unique way still lingering in her mind as the toned and strong back of her friend made her head hazy. Turning around from the lack of notice of his smaller friend Kendo caught the eys of [ ] staring, her eyes quickly flickering to his curious ones as he grinned “See somethin you like darlin?” He teased as she grunted, reaching up to push his head in the sink “Shut up and let me do your hair”

And like clockwork, Kendo rappa was an icy blonde after two days, a break given to his long ,thick and wavy hair, the giant boy looking over his new look as he sighed happily, loving to have his hair finally look normal. “Well damn [ ]! Ya made it even better than what i was thinking. Look! My hair’s all wavy at the ends and it's soft! Whatever you made me do made it feel better!” He raved as the girl looked over her work. And in fact it was highly even, his hair consistent and lavishy soft. Giving him a shy look she giggle “That's what a deep conditioner will do to damage hair and the way i'm always untangling your hair for you, i knew it would need it before you wanted to go white” She said as he just kept running his hands in his hair, turning back to her “I could just kiss you right now!” He blurted out as they both froze at his words, eyes wide from both parties “I-I aint mean it [ ]” He croaked out as she giggled, stepping back from him “O-of course you didnt, why would you i mean aha..”She said as she moved away more , his own words started to hit him as he realized the reverse effect it was having “NO! No, I'd want to kiss you, I really really want to. I just...want it to be on your terms okay?” he said as he grabbed her arm, holding her in front of him as if she'd float away if he didnt.

“Kendo...I..” [ ] started as she came back to his hip, laying between his legs onto his thankfully covered chest “I just dont want to lose you if you decide you wouldnt want me around” She whispered as he pulled her even closer, kissing her forehead as he stared at her “Dont you ever say that again ya hear me? Youll be my princess and ill be your humble er..knight” He hesitated as he tried to think of a sweet way to explain his feelings. [ ] looked up to him as she felt here eyes feel heavy with tears. Before one even fell Kendo pushed his lips as soft as the strong boy could, wrapping a large and beefy arm around her waist as he slipped his tongue in her mouth, letting his hand slide down to pull her up to sit on the tops of his thighs while he leaned against his dresser. Softly [ ] pushed her hand on his chest and pulled away, now eye to eye with Kendo “Sorry , d-did i overstep my place” He asked as she let out a snot, before laughing. Confused, Kendo went to talk before she stopped him “No no, youre good, just that if we keep kissing on this dressed there's gonna be a hole in the wall” She said as she pointed to where the mirror kept tapping a spot, scrapes already aroring it “R-right!” He laughed too, picking her up to set her on his bed “Now then...lemme serve you princess” He said before kissing her again, not letting her rebuttal his own comment. As the two kissed he made sure to be as gentle as he could be , at times clumsily nipping her lip or his hand pulling hard at her clothes.

All in the name of wanting to show how much she meant to him. Soon he pulled away, a small string of saliva strung between them from the hearty kissing. “[ ]...i think i love you” He said as she gave him a soft look , trying to catch her breath from the dramatic kiss they came from “Good, because i love your loud ass too Kendo” She teased as he smirked,leaning down to bite her neck, causing her to moan loudly “We’ll see whos loud after im done wit ya” he gave his own tease back as he moved between her plump thighs, kissing the flesh there as he pulled her shorts to the side, exposing her flushed lower lips. Gasping she reached for his hand that held her legs apart causing the fresh blonde to look up at her, eyes wandering over her face for signs of him to stop “I-Im not used to being this bare sorry..” She whimpered out as it dawned on the other side of her words “Have you ever ate out baby?” he asked as she hid her face from him, shaking ehr head as he groaned, pulling her shorts down as he saw her lacy panties , a smirk placed on his lips as he peeled them off too, a string of arousal keeping them plastered to her lips “fuck, that bastared really didnt take care of you” he growled as she sat up to see his darkening eyes kiss up to her lips whispering out a “but i will” as he sucked one of her lips into his mouth, causing a lound moan from the woman he was inbetween. Slowly he licked up her lips, searching for that small pearl as she whined, a hand coming down to tug his hair. Grunting he soon found it, sucking onto her clit as she gasped, her thighs shutting over his head as he looked up to her, watching as her back arched off of the bed once her pressed his tongue hard against her clit. Softly he let a hand run under her thigh, a single thick finger tracing over her twitching hole as he pushed it in gently, making [ ] squeal. “K-Ken!” She called out as he looked up again, catching her eyes and flushed face on his actions. Making a show of what he was doing he let a second one join the first as he sucked hard on her bud at the same time making [ ]’s eyes roll back as her hand fell from his head, nervous od pulling too hard. Kendo however had other plans. Feeling her walls tighten around his fingers he made sure to find that spongy spot and hitting it, finally pulling his lips from her clit as he smiled “Uuh Uh doll, look at me” He growled as she hesitantly glances at him, regretting that she did. He looked way too good, hair a mess as he was panting, catching his breath from being down on her. With evry pump of his fingers his muscle in his arm twitched, making her own walls spasm as she watched it “Ya like it sweetheart?” He asked as she shook her head, watching him move back to her pussy “Good, cause i aint done” He said as he gave her clit kitten licks beofe slurping on it, throwing a wink at her as he picked up his pace, making [ ]’s voice rise as she felt herself getting close before quickly snapping at a particular hard thrust of his finger to her spot on her walls.

Letting out a light scream she came over his fingers and tongue, the male laughing gleefully as he sucked up her juices. LEtting her come down some he watched her face as bliss spread through her body and a sense of confidence whent though his. Slowly he picked up the pace of his fingers again, going from a shallow push to more stroking as he heard [ ] whine, grabbing at his hand “Uh uh sweetheart, you taste too good fro me to only let you cum on my tongue once” he said as he pushed her down by her stomach, letting her take his spare hand as he went back to suckling on her lower lips. He knew he had a lot in stored for her, and watching the newly admitted love of his life cum from his pleasing was enough for him to realized he needed to do more. Popping off her clit as puling his fingers gently out he looked at her ravished body, using his non wet hand to pull at his sweats. “Youre beautiful like this [ ]” kendo said as she took in heavy breaths, feeling her throat close as he stroked his massive size, rubbing the swollen head as he looked at her , giving her a soft smile “Ya dont have to take me just yet , hes just throbbin too much” He groaned as he twisted his hand hard over his leaking tip, feeling himself throb as he laid back on his bed. “Ride my face?” he asked with one of the most sinful looks [ ] had ever seen ; lustful eyes watching her as his large hand stroked his larger dick, the soft and fleshy muscle jumping at watching her crawl to him, throwing a leg over his neck

“I-i dont wanna suffocate you..” She said as he smirked before saying “Ya cant suffocate me i want it” Soon he grabbed her hip, pushing her onto his awaiting mouth as he picked up his pace, sliding his tongue into her twitching hole as she rocked her hips, keeping a steady pace as she held herself on his shoulder and headboard, ,depreate moand and cries tumbling out as he rocked her too, going from her clit to her dripping entrance, stoking his dick harder and harde as her moans spurred him on. Soon he felt the bud in his mouth twitch and throb harder, the sounds [ ] made increasing as his own hand sped up with his throbbing head, the telltales of them both getting close. A moan erruptred from the girl on his lips as she came again , her essence running down his face as he groaned, ropes of cum shooting onto his hand and stomach as he came himself, still stroking out what he could as the pressure he felt subside. Sliding off softly [ ] saw the mess behind her, taking it upon herself to lick up some of it as she was met with his same aber eyes, watching her move to his still hard member “Let me take care of you too?” she asked shyly. Fuck he was done for as he felt himslef hardend worse at her words, a large hand coming up to smack her ass as he psuhed her up and over his head, letting his tip and her swollen lips run over eachother. Slowly he pushed his tip past her budding lips, entranced by the way it swallowed her whole “Fuck...i love you [ ] and by the time im done with ya...youll know it” he whispered in her ear as she felet him push, more and moreof his large size spreading her lips father than shed ever had. Her eyes rolled up as she felt him bottom out, both moaning as he picked up his pace, making a soothing rhythm as little moans and whines came from [ ], deep grunts coming from Kendo as he kissed her shoulders and back, marking where he could as he felt himself get closer with how she was throbbing over his member.

Digging his fingers as deep as he could in her plush hips he let our a mantra of ‘Cummin’ i and ‘ I love yous’ in her ear as she pushed back against him, feeling herself teetering as he pushed as deep as he could go ,letting himself cum as she came too, the overwhelming feeling of him throbbing against her spongy walls and previous orgasms enough to push her over a third time. “[ ]” Kendo rasped as [ ] hummed , feeling her legs still shake with him in her “Im serious, i'm never leaving you...you're mine and i love you…” kendo said as he kissed the back of her neck, nibbling her ear as he stayed in her “Mhm….i love you too Rappa..”

[ivyuns]

love again ❆✰

lee minho

genre: angst / fluff 

word count: 2.4k

warnings: drugs + language + a bit suggestive + a few grammar mistakes (this was written at 5 am plz i cant) 

A/N: why do i keep having dreams of someone who i used to like :(

masterlist

nonidol!minho x fem!reader

taking a picture of the scenery of paris in front of you, smiling of how well it came out, a real smile this time. hearing a voice call out your name, you turn around as your smile dropped, seeing someone who you didnt ever wanted to see. lee minho was his name.

it started as you two were young and in love with each other back in high school. you two we known as the toxic couple. not because you two were bad for each other, but because you did everything together: drugs, alcohol, getting high, sex, you name it. other than those, you two had another side of being soft. the romantic dates and the funny days shared.

the time you two hung out as best friends everyday, making everyone in school thinking you two were couples. the night where minho took you star gazing late at night after having a fight with your mom and ended up kissing you and asking you to be his one and only.

til your mom found out that you did drugs and drank underage because of minho. she forced you to break up with him and you felt like shit. you called him to meet you at the park you two always went to and left the house to go see him.

arriving at the park and sitting on a bench with the winter breeze around you in your light cardigan. feeling something on your shoulders made you feel tense til you smelled where the owner of the jacket is. lifting your head up, a tear fell from your eyes. minho’s eyes soften as he took a seat next to you and wiped the tear away.

“y/n, whats wrong love?” minho asked. “m-min, we need to break up”. minhos eyes widened from your sentence. “b-baby what happen? is everything okay at home? please tell me”. sighing and standing up as you took off minhos jacket off of your shoulders and gave it back to him. “just know that i still love you forever and always and we’ll meet in the next life” and left him.

minho sat there in shock, not knowing what just happened. it felt like a big part of him just left him.

the next week at school, you werent at your seat. you were nowhere found in school. you were just laying on your bed, feeling total shit. feeling nothing to do but just cry to sleep. your mom made you do online school to stop you from seeing minho and his friends. you phone made another noise as you sighed. looking up to see your phone on your nightstand, you see 44 missed calls and 64 messages from minho. tears falling down even more, you ended up falling asleep with a worried minho waiting for you at school.

and that was the last time you ever saw him, you first and last lover. his cousin, who was your best friend had kept in touch with you and told you what minho had done during the breakup. inhaling and consuming drugs, overdosing on drugs, drinking more and going crazy while yelling your name and wanting you to come back into his life.

minho eventually got over the breakup in a year. looking at the memories you gave him, he had the urge to call you names you didnt like him saying. his cousin passed by his room and heard him saying things you hated being called. knowing it was about you since his cousin had knew you before minho so of course you told her everything.

feeling hurt and angry about what she told you, you felt yourself growing apart from him. why still love him after he called you those names? you gave yourselft sometime to heal and feel better about yourself.

now here you are now 3 years later, visiting your dream city, france. you always wanted to come here when you and minho were a bit older but things didnt work out.

turning around after hearing minho called you, he ran over to you. looking at your figure, he can tell you lost too much weight but still had the perfect brown eyes with your hair recently dyed to light brown and your fashion senses that changed. only with you in a black top and baggy tan pants with black converse. god how much did he miss you.

a few minutes after not talking, you figured he just wanted your attention after he searched you everywhere in paris when his cousin gave him updates on you. walking away from him, he quickly grabbed your wrist. “y-y/n, can we please talk?” you made him let go of your wrist and continued walking to your hotel.

minho quickly ran in front of you and stopped you. “please y/n, what did i do wrong?” you sighed and looked up at him. “maybe if you werent so psycho, you wouldve known.”

minho stood there and thought of what happened. was it when you broke up with him? no, it couldnt be your fault. when he called you more than enough? no. when he was about to propose to you and run away with each other? no way. you two broke things before he could even ask.

‘shit’ he thought. it made him realize. he was too angry at some point and called you names that you hated being called and point out your insecurities. he knew someone was outside his door at the time.

facing back reality, he sees you still in front of him. “figured out now, mr lee minho?” you crossed your arms and a little smirk formed on your face. even after years, you still cant stop loving him. minho takes your hand and drags you to a park to lay under the sunset, watching to stars as it turns dark. remembering from your high school days.

laying down with you in minhos embrace, you whispered a ‘i love you’ to minho and fell asleep after missing the warmth of minho. minho, who smiled after you fell into your slumber and pulled you closer to him. “i love you too y/n”

a few hours, you woke up to nobody in the park but you and minho in the dark. noticing you were still in minhos arms, you got up and woke up minho. minho opened his eyes and saw your panic face. “minho, where are we?!”

minho was fully awake now. looking everywhere, he couldnt remember where or how he took you to this area. “god minho if you werent such a dumbass. youre lucky that my phone works fine here” you said as you gathered your stuff and grabbed minho’s hand, forcing him to get up and follow to directions on your phone to where your hotel was.

minho just smiled and walked close to you. “you havent changed a bit y/n” he says. you stopped walking and turned around which resulted minho bumping into you. “youre really asking for a slap are you?” minho quickly shook his head a no and you turned around and began walking again.

-

opening your door to your hotel room, minho was full in daze. everything was decorated beautiful just for a hotel suite, or thats what minho thought it was. “you can sleep on the couch here, ill be upstairs if you need anything” you said and head upstairs where your room was after giving him an extra toothbrush and toothpaste and other necessary items.

“wait y/n!” he calls your name and you turn around to walk downstairs. stopping at he last step of the stairs, minho walks towards you. “can you actually stay down here. i-i mean like so we can catch up on stuff like you know?” you knew he just wanted you to stay down here since he couldnt be alone.

“ya, youre just trying love me again arent you minho?” you joked as you poked him. minho scoffed and went to sit on the couch. “as if”. walking towards the couch and sitting next to minho, you lift your legs onto the ottoman. “im just joking min, of course ill stay here with you” you say to him and looked at him with a happy smile. minho smiles also after hearing you call out his nickname youll call him during your relationship.

hugging you waist, minho leans towards you as you get lost in his sparkling eyes. he lays you down and kisses your lips. at first, you wanted to pull away, but after missing his kisses, how could you resist it? 

a few weeks had gone by and you two had returned to korea as a couple again. another 3 weeks and you moved in with minho after getting kicked out when she found out you found minho. with no hesitation, you facetimed minho about what happened and let his loving girlfriend move in with him.

moving your belongs into his apartment, you felt nauseous. going to the toilet to release the sickness, minho puts down a box and runs over to your side after hearing disturbing noises from the bathroom. “baby, what happened? are you okay?” minho says and tries his best to comfort you while he lifts your hair into a ponytail so its not in the way. “i-i think im-”

tears started streaming down your face as thoughts ran past your brain. what if he doesnt want the baby? is it too early? were still in our early twenties. you were cut off by minho hugging you. “its okay baby. we can check and see in the morning. lets go head to bed, i already got the last box.” nodding your head, minho leads you to the bedroom with his arms wrapped around you and your head on his chest, both slowly falling asleep.

waking up first thing in the morning, you turn and see minho still asleep. going to get ready to for the store. most importantly, for the pregnancy test.

-

walking back into the apartment, you immediately go to the bathroom and take the test. waiting for the test to give out the answer, minho wakes up to you not next to him. grabbing his phone from the nightstand, he goes to your contact and texts you.

my baby <3

where are u ?

hearing the familiar notification bell, he sighs as he realize you didnt take your phone with you. getting up, minho goes to the bathroom and sees you with the test in the palm of your hands. he goes up behind you and hugs you and to see the test come back with positive.

with the biggest smile on his face, minho turns you around to face him. “you dont know how happy i am y/n” “but minho, how are you not mad?” you pulled away from the hug with a confusion look on your face, “shhh, just pretend i wanted this to happen in the future when we dated.” minho back hugs you, facing the bathroom mirror.

you see minhos hands rubbing your stomach. “its been our dream to have kids and get married. and ta da!” turning yourself around, you hug minho at a better position. “thank you minho for loving me back and not leaving us, i love you so much”. minho leaned in and put his forehead on yours. “i love you more than you do baby” and gave you a loving peck.

END <3

yes another minho fic bc this was sitting in my drafts and i dont know where this was heading to hehe

[superemeralds]

OH WOW thank you for answering so fast!! I wanted to ask because in my opinion, Shadow is written kind of... poorly.. at the metal virus arc :c and I love how you characterize Shadow!! I was wondering, if you could, how would you have written him in it?

okay so this got. RAELLY long. it’s under the read more.. hhaaa... get ready for rambles.

before i start on what i would love to see different, here’s a few things that i really liked about his characterization in idw:

shadow being persistent about what he thinks is right, being very straightforward and strict in wanting to execute his ideal

the way he stepped down and let sonic try his way instead of being stubborn because sonic made a very good point. Shadow wants to be fair, and if he of all people deserves a chance, then so should eggman. kind of ties back to maria also, which is a nice nod to have considering it seems like modern writers for sonic usually treat the ending of shth as “ok she never existed to him anyways”

i like that he uses his GUN affiliation to his advantage to do good and help people (even if by rouges account he does it because he doesnt want to deal with zombots)

he has great devotion to make sure the truck is safe and peole get a chance to get out, giving (according to the comics anyways) more than 100% of his power dealing with hundreds if not thousands of zombots alone

I like that there’s a nod to shadow being insecure about his status as ultimate life form, and he is tempted to get infected just to prove to himself he really CANT get sick and he really IS a perfect being. He struggled a lot with the high expectations that were laid upon him, the expectations he’s laying upon himself.

I like how he had a great sense of shock and defeat when he realized that he DID get infected. It’s very true for him to be thrown off by it, get a little careless due to shock. its natural. it’s good.

his “i told you something like this would happen” towards sonic in the beginning of #19 is justified. He hates that he was right, he always is, and he wishes he wasnt. he could’ve prevented this, but its too late now. then later he risks getting infected with the metal virus, and he DOES get infected. He suddenly wasnt right anymore. This sense of irony... it’s probably one of the reasons he has trouble to concentrate on the fight. it’s a nice parallel. IDK if ian intended it to be this deep, but that’s what i read into it.

(i also want to point out that i like that herms gives everyone slightly diverse “skin”-tones. like diverse undertones. im still peeved they are all pretty pale but its hoenstly a nice little nod)

okay so here’s what i think could’ve gone better:

I feel like shadow being the one to drive the truck into the city is a reference to 06, where he is driving around in various vehicles. That in itself is nice, and i think shadow is a person who prefers to do things himself if there’s a lot at stake (which there was a lot of peoples lives) but i also think that he would think of himself as a powerful shield. He would rather be the one overseeing the battlefield insread of being the designated driver. He knows he was created for the frontlines, and he is someone who knows he can survive the front lines. He is not a sacrefice tobe made, he is the one who will make sure that no one else has to sacrefice themselves. Shadow should’ve been on site from the very beginning. Where is the rest of GUN anyways? Those low level humans should make an effort to protect the life on their planet.

Shadow did absolutely NOT use 100% of his pwoer to protect the truck. He could EASILY have done more. He can lift trucks. He could use chaos blast. He could easily have prevented just faling victim to the zombots so easily.

As mentioned above it kind of DOES make sense for him to go down easily due to being infected, but I think this was the wrong time to let him get infected. I think he wouldn’t let his guard down and carelessly touch a zombot. He would not give in to the temptation to test his limits like this if there was not a greater cause. I think he would easily break if someone he cared about (other than sonic) fell victim to the metal virus. This is something that would get him emotional, to get careless. He knows sonic can outrun the virus, but rouge can’t. Amy, Tails, Knuckles, Vector, all of Sonic’s friends can’t outrun the virus. There’s a big chance that he is immune, there’s a slim chance he is not. But even with that slim chance, he knows he could outrun it, just like sonic. Losing someone he cares about to the virus would remind him of his superiority, of how fragile life is and of his responsibility to protect life itself. Any restrait would be gone. He would be driven by guilt and anger at himself, that he could’ve done better, that he HAS to do better. It’s something that spirals him totally out of control. It’s something that would make him want to prove to himself that he has the ability to fix it all. because it’s all his fault.

this is honestly something that is so important. he feels responsible for this, because he did what was right and gave sonic and eggman a chance. In his mind, sometimes the right hting to do is the wrong thing to do, because sometimes only wrong actions get you to the right goal. he is a gray character like that, and i think it’s not shown enough. his regret and guilt don’t surface enough so that anyone who is not as invested in the character would be able to read it out of #19. there’s a lot of stuff going on inside shadow in this issue and its just. not enough time to unpack it all. this whole deal of him getting infected was too rushed. (as mentioned above i wouldve preferred he get infected a little later or under other circumstances)

I think shadow is aware of his responsibility as living weapon to not fall into the hands of the enemy. he has learned what it means to be manipulated, he learned what it means if he was used as a weapon by an enemy of life on earth. he does NOT want to be used as an object of destruction ever again. He would RUN. even if hesitant, but his emotions would make him excell even in that. he would make sure he’d run faster than sonic. he’s want to make sure that he’d give 110% and cure himself, something sonic couldn’t do.

the way he would go down in my mind is him excerting himself. He would absolutely reject help. he would prefer to not have any contact with anyone at all. For one because he feels guilty and he doesn’t want to deal with that emotionally, also because he doesn’t want anyone to see him in this state of weakness. He absolutely would loathe the idea of anyone being able to see him go down and surrender to the enemy. He would absolutely exhaust his entire energy reservoir building barricades and being the sole and only front line protecting evacuation efforts from a distance, to make sure that they have enough buffer to escape, should he fail.

shadow is someone  who is rash and has a tendency to boast his strength, but he also is someone who tries to consider any and all possibilities, no matter how painful they are to admit to his pride. he will shove them to the back of his mind, but they are still there. and if it COMES to those scenarios, he will have a plan for them. only if unpredictable things happen, or things that shake him emotionally, he would lose grip.

also in all those talks abt things shaking him emotionally, i dont mean that other people who arent his friends are not important to him, its just that friendship has a bigger impact on people. i think that should be pretty obvious, but since people like to misinterpret shadow id like to make sure people understand that i think that shadow values all and every life on the planet. he griefs over random deaths as much as his friends, it’s just that it hits more personal. mostly because he thinks... of himself as someone who always protects, but never has to be protected.

shadows relationship with himself is complicated. he thinks very low of himself. he pretty much hates himself. but that is because he thinks oh so highly of himself. he is perfect, ultimate, unbeatable, unstoppable, immortal, immune.... he expects all this of himself... even though he knows that it’s not true. it’s the one thing that he knows of himself. The one thing he feels that he could maybe achieve if he tried hard enough, and of course he is never trying hard enough; and at the same time he is trying so hard. He gives 300% and yet he still feels like he halfasses everything and he still feels like he could do better. On the outside he presents it with his strict edgy persona, that looks down on everyone. but really he feels so small. most of all towards sonic. sonic is so so tall compared to shadow (pun intended).

he looks up to sonic so much, because he always manages to go out of hisway to do what is right. even if it meant risk, even if it meant weakness. Sonic, the guy that easily could just get killed and hurt and not recover. the funny jokes dude that never thinks more than a single step ahead. This boy is out there risking his life for the life of this planet on the front lines and he shows not a single care about his own safety, always putting everyone else before him. shadow envies him. he really really does. thats why he values his opinoin. thats why he listens to him and even steps back from his OWN ideals, something he would do for only VERY few people, because of course shadow is always right. this is referenced in various sonic games (sa2 most of all,shth,sth) and in sonic x (yea its not canon but like. They Really Got His Character).

ADDING SOME RAMBLING AFTER ISSUE #33 RELEASED

[fiftyshadesgrl]

He saved me/ part 8

Summary: reader is in a abusive relationship. When things take a turn foe the worst she finds help in the winchesters.

Warning: this story will have smut, violence, abuse, language and torture. If youre triggered by any of this then i suggest you dont read.

An hour later we were back at the garage. Me and sam both worked up a sweat but we had fun. We even raced back to the bunker but i think he let me win.

I walked down the steps and found dean in the library with his feet propped up on the table. Sam said he was going to get a shower and disappeared down the hall.

"Have a good run?" Dean asked crossing his arms over his chest.

"I did, it was just what i needed. Fresh air and time to clear my head. I feel great, well i will after i get a shower. Im all sweaty." The last line made dean take a deep breath in and he closed his eyes. Seemingly battling with whatever was going on inside his head.

I took this time to mess with him a little. "My clothes are glued to me. Im going to have to peel them off." Dean growled and threw his head back, i couldnt help but giggle.

I grabbed a bottle of water out of the fridge and took a drink. I tipped the bottle and a little bit of the water ran down my chest, down my clevage area and into my sports bra. I rubbed the water over my neck and down my chest, a small moan escaped my lips.

"Thats a good way to cool off." I opened my eyes to see dean watching me with that same flame in his eyes as earlier. I bit my lip and smiled as he ran a hand over his face. He pushed his chair back and walked over towards me.

He grabbed me by the hips and pulled me in close to him. "I know what youre fuckin doing. Its not funny."

I ducked my head, "im sorry, i dont know what it is. When youre near me i just get this feeling come over me. It wont happen again."

I pulled away from him and made my way down the hall towards my room. Before i got to my door i looked behind me to see dean sprinting towards me. He pushed me up against the wall as his lips covered mine. Our tongues danced with each other as my hands found their way into his hair.

"Youre driving me crazy, (Y/N). Dont you know that?" Dean said as his lips found the sensitive spot on my neck.

"Im sorry." I moaned against his shoulder.

"Dude, you both have rooms ya know." Sam said from the hallway beside of us. Dean pulled away from me just as sam walked towards his bedroom and shut the door.

Dean looked back at me, he laid his forehead against mine. "I cant do this."

I finally got the nerve to speak up, "why dean?"

He closed his eyes, "(Y/N), youve been through so much in such a short amount of time. I cant take advantage of you, cause thats what it would be. Youre confused right now. You are trying to heal from what parker has done to you. Give yourself some time."

I shook my head, "no dean, im thinking clearly for the first time in a long time. I want you and im not going to change my mind."

I took his hand and led him into my bedroom. I sat him down on the bed and i sat beside him. "Why do you think you would be taking advantage of me?" I asked placing my hand on his knee.

"Because thats what it would be." Dean said averting his eyes from mine.

"Youre not like that dean."

He shook his head, "you dont know anything about me."

I straddled him and took his face in my hands. "I know enough about you to know that you wouldnt do that to me. I trust you. I know you feel this whats going on between us, i can see it in your eyes."

"(Y/N), please." He tried to pull away from me but i wasnt having it.

"You have made me feel more alive in these past two weeks then i have my entire life. You calm me and excite me at the same time. I crave your touch dean." I whispered the last line against his lips.

I took his hand in mine and put it against my hip under my shirt. "Touch me dean." He screwed his eyes shut as his jaw muscle clench. "Please. Touch me, i need you." I whispered in his ear.

He closed his eyes tight and growled, "damn it." His hands were everywhere. He pulled my shirt over my head in a flash and threw it behind me. His lips found the right spot on my neck as he unclasped my bra, it fell to the floor as well. His hands cupped my breasts roughly, his mouth on one nipple as he pinched the other.

I threw my head back as a moan escaped my lips. I ripped his flannel from his shoulders and soon his shirt. At least we were skin to skin from the waist up. One of his hands were tangled in my hair gripping and pulling tight as his other was on the back of my neck.

"Oh dean." I whispered against his neck. He flipped us to where i was laying on the bed, i let out a small giggle as he smiled against my lips. He gripped the waist band of my shorts, he looked up into my eyes i guess asking for permission. Making sure that this is what i wanted. I raised my hips up and he took that as a yes. He pulled them down and gasped as he saw that i wasnt wearing underwear.

"Youre so fuckin beautiful." He said as he knelt down in front of me. He pushed my thighs open and didnt waste any time devouring me. His tongue flicking and making circles around my clit, i writhed beneath him clawing at his head. My fingers tangled in his hair and pulled lightly.

An animalistic growl came from him and it shook me to my core. I started to tense as i felt my orgasm building inside of me. "Dean, im so close." I whispered, trying to keep it down as to not disturb sam.

He then slid two fingers inside me and i couldnt keep quiet any longer. My orgasm rocked through me as dean pounded his fingers inside me and never let up on my clit.

"Oh....my......god.......yes!" I screamed out as i felt a warm gush running down and soaking the sheets. After i had quit shaking dean was on top of me. He had shed the rest of his clothing sometime while i was coming down from my high.

"You sure you want this?" Dean asked as i felt his dick pressing against my entrance. I nodded and he shook his head, "you gotta tell me sweetheart." I growled in frustration, "just shut up and fuck me winchester."

He smiled and slowly entered me. He was being gentle like he was trying not to break me. I pushed my hips up letting him know to go faster. He really started moving as another orgasm hit me.

"Thats it baby, cum all over my cock. Oh yeah baby, im cumming." Dean yelled as his veins protruded from his neck. After we came down from the bliss of finally becoming one dean slumped beside me on the bed. He rolled over on his side and pulled me close to him, "that was the best sex ive ever had." He said his breathing ragged.

"Are you okay?" He asked as he kissed the top of my head.

I nodded and placed a kiss in the middle of his chest. "Im better than okay, i dont know if there are words for the way im feeling right now." But in the back of my mind i knew one word that i almost let slip, love. I loved dean winchester but i couldnt tell him.

My eyes opened some time later, i didnt even realize i had fallen asleep. The bed was empty beside me, i ran my hand over the cold sheets he hadnt been there for a while. I stood up and found his flannel on the floor, wrapped it around me feeling secure wrapped in his masculine scent. I button a few buttons just enough to be decent if sam was around and made my way out to find dean.

I walked into the kitchen thinking he might be there but he wasnt. The clock on the coffee maker read 3:15 am. Theres no way he could be out at this hour, unless i wasnt enough for him and he went out to find something better.

I got a bottle of water from the fridge and walked into the library. I spied dean sitting at the table a bottle of whiskey and a half full glass which he downed when he saw me.

"Are you okay?" He asked gruffly

I nodded, "yeah, why wouldnt i be?"

He poured some more in his glass and drank half of it before speaking again. "Im so sorry, i should have controled myself more. After everything youve been through...." He stopped and downed the rest of the whiskey in his glass.

I walked over to him and before he could refill it i took the glass from him and placed it on the table. I sat on his knee and took his face in my hands. "Hey, why are you worrying about this so much. If i didnt want it and i wasnt ready i wouldve said so." His green eyes were red rimmed and i could see unshed tears in them. "I love you dean. I wanted to say it before but i was scared of your reaction. Im not scared anymore."

I smiled at him but he didnt return it. "You cant love me. Its to dangerous. Im sorry." With that he gently lifted me off his lap, then he walked up the stairs slamming the bunker door behind him. Not what i expected. After everything that had happened between us only a few hours ago i was sure he cared for me in some way. The way he just ran out on me proved otherwise. The tears fell that i didnt even know were coming, i sat there for an hour before i decided i no longer want to be here.

I made my way to sams door and began knocking. When he answered the door his hair was a mess and sleep clung heavy in his eyes.

"(Y/N). Whats wrong?" A tinge of worry in his voice.

"Im packing up and leaving. I just wanted to say goodbye and thank you for everything." I said tears still streaming down my face.

"Wait, what? Why? What happened, what brought this on?" He opened the door all the way bidding me to come in.

After i had explained everything to sam it was nearly dawn. "Im sorry sam but i cant stay here. I just wanted to let you know."

Sam nodded, "i understand but dean is very closed off. You have to understand that everyone hes ever loved hes lost them some way. He doesnt want to add more names to the list. Hes only protecting you so he cares, even if he didnt show you the way you thought he would."

I shook my head, "i still cant stay here. Not anymore, ive been a burden long enough."

Sam sighed and placed his hand on my knee. "Youve never been a burden. Thats all in your head, but if youre set on leaving do me a favor."

I looked up into his eyes for the first time. "What?"

"Dont go far. We have someone you can stay with until we figure this out about parker. Youll be safe there."

"Who is it?" I asked in a low voice. Hating to have to be a burden on yet another person.

Sam smiled, "another hunter, one of the best actually. His name is bobby singer. He will welcome you with open arms. Then after all this blows over and we end this you can go where ever you want to go if its still what you want."

"On one condition." I stood and walked to the door. "Dont tell dean where i am. Just tell him i left and that im okay."

Sam nodded, "okay, ill call bobby and work everything out."

I nodded then walked out the door. I had everything packed up in 10 minutes seeing that everything dean had bought me was still in the store bags and what wasnt i gathered up in just a few minutes. I changed my clothes and walked back down to sams door he was standing outside it waiting on me.

"Bobby said he would meet halfway and pick you up. You ready? You got everything?" Sam asked.

I nodded, "yeah just give me a minute ill meet you in the library."

Sam nodded and made his way to the library. I walked to deans door and opened it seeing the room bare. I laid my favorite shirt of his, the one that gave me so much comfort on his bed. I let a few tears spill down my cheeks but the memory of him walking out on me dried them up quickly. I shut the door silently and made my way to sam.

He had my bags in his hands and gave me a sad smile. I made my way up the stairs and to sams car. It wasnt like the impala but as long as it got me to bobby then thats all that matters. If the winchesters trusted him then so did i. I had heard stories about bobby how he was a second father to them.

We drove in silence for a few minutes but sam decided to break it. "You dont have to do this. You should still stay with us."

"I cant sam." Was all i said.

"You know dean will eventually find out where you are. Not by me of course, but he will eventually. Cas could find you easily." Sam said with a sigh.

I shook my head. "Tell cas not to tell dean. I dont want him to come look for me. He made it clear how he felt. Im not enough for him. Parker was right."

"(Y/N)..."

"No sam, dont try to make it out to be anything more than what it is. He doesnt care for me, not the way that i do for him. I was a fool to think he could." I tried to not let my voice shake but i failed at that. When sam opened his mouth to speak again i silenced him with holding my hand up.

We drove for three hours until sam pulled off the road beside a beat up blue car. A elder man stood outside the drivers side door with his arms crossed over his chest, leaning against the door.

Sam got out first and moved to the trunk to get my bags. I stepped out as the elder man opened his trunk.

After the bags were placed in the trunk bobby walked over to me. "You must be (Y/N), im bobby."

"Nice to meet you bobby." I shook his outstretched hand as he smiled at me. I turned back towards sam, my heart breaking all over again. I gave him a sad smile as a tear slid down my cheek.

He engulfed me in a hug, "if you ever need us, or me all you have to do is call."

I nodded not trusting myself to speak.

When he let me go i gave him a quick peck on the cheek and climbed into bobbys car. Knowing if i was to look back i would change my mind. Bobby climbed in soon after and sped off in the opposite direction from where me and sam came. I watched in the mirror as long as i could, until sams tail lights werent visible anymore.

"So, why are you runnin?" Bobby asked, surprising me.

"Sam didnt tell you?"

He nodded, "he told me, still doesnt answer the question. Why are you runnin?"

I sighed, "dean walked out on me after i told him how i felt. I thought he cared about me. I was wrong, parker was right. Ill never be good enough for anyone."

"Well darlin, im going to be blunt with you. Dean is a idjit when it comes to loving or caring for someone. I love him like he was my own but sometimes he can be a real pain in the ass."

"You can say that again." I sigh.

"But he has a good reason for being distant with people. The less people you love and are close to the less people you lose. Its just the way this life is." Bobby finally finished.

I understood where bobby was coming from. Still i wasnt enough for dean. So my choice still remained the same.

We pulled up in front of bobbys house a couple hours later. He carried my bags up the stairs as i followed behind him. He led me into im guessing a spare room that was used as a file room. There was a queen sized bed against the wall but other than that it was just files and file cabinets and books.

"Its not much, sorry about the mess ill have it cleaned up in a few days." He said placing my bags at the foot of the bed. "You have the whole top floor to yourself. My room and bathroom is downstairs."

I nodded and smiled "you dont need to rearrange your life for me. I wont be staying long."

Bobby turned towards me with a solem look on his face. "Now (Y/N), i promised sam i would look after you until parker was took care of."

"Look i intend to stay here until parker is dealt with, but in the meantime i want to learn how to hunt. I want to take him out myself. I want you to teach me everything you know."

Bobby was hesitant for the first few days but eventually he agreed. A week into my lessons and i was beat, but i was determined to be in this life. I was becoming stronger and it was also helping me deal with alot of issues. Never again would i be a victim.

@an-unhealthy-obsession

[esmiblood90irisglimmer]

Say No To This (Eliza Version/Role-Reverse)

Disclaimers: LONG FANFIC!!!

Theodosia POV

Another warm summer night engulfed the city NYC where I began yawning and realizing it was already past ten o'clock. Deciding to wrap things up by going through one last files one last time before going home. Knowing Aaron would be worry sick that I stay longer at work than I’ve intentionally. Oh well, at least I can have my handsome holding me in his strong arms. Just thinking about me make me blush and giddy all shyly, which I know it’s stupid for a grown woman to be acting like a teenage girl again. Hey, that’s love for you especially being married to the man or women you’ve been for more than a decade. It’s a magical experience when you created the wondrous memories as a married couple. There’s going to be ups and downs and which is part of life and you just have to accept it. Even when you’re in complete denial. Which I could say for a certain I know that writing completely non-stop at the office next door.

You see, my old friend my dearest Elizabeth Schuyler Hamilton is working her ass off to the brink of exhaustion. I worry about her but knowingly how stubborn and hard headed she can be sometimes. I often worry about her physical and mental state. I hope she doesn’t scare me like last month when she was buried alive under all those paperworks. That woman is seriously gonna give me a heart attack one these days. Anyway, as a good friend basically the mother friend of our group. I always tend to check up on her before leaving the office. Knowing that her answer will be that she’ll be spending another night here at the orphanage. I wasn’t going to argue with her about it but still at least take one day off. Then again it has taken her husband almost a decade to finally take a break from work. Well, like wife, like husband as some may say.

I see her with papers scatter around the desk with multiple profile of some the new orphanages we receive from other states. Lightly knocking on the door which caught Eliza attention which she given me her usual soft smile.  

“Yes, Mrs. Burr. Is there anything you need?” she asks

“No, I’m letting you know that I’m heading home now. It’s already past ten o’clock so Aaron is probably worry sick about me”

Eliza chuckle lightly before understanding that Aaron is a bit overprotective of me but in a cute way. Deep inside her heart she was longing for the company of Alexander but he and their children were at Upstate. Apparently, visiting her father until catching up with Lafayette mid-way through the journey to South Carolina. They wanted surprise John with a visit of their own unannounced. I can understand her loneliness but she made the choice to stay behind for the orphanage and for me. We share our goodbyes before taking my leave as I left the door to be locked. Since I didn’t want any strangers or psycho manic having the intention to murder my innocent friend. Anyway, during my walk on the way I notice a tall male with a noticeable black eye. I whine on the inside feeling that he either got it from a bar fight or from his wife.

Domestic abuse isn’t uncommon sadly and seeing the abuse victim walking toward to our orphanage is heartbreaking but brave as well. What weird about him is that he’s wearing a large black hat with a long black coat. Perhaps to cover the bruises and the scars he received from his spouse. But that one thing stood out from his outfit was a tight red shirt that would grasp on his muscular chest. Ignoring my appearance despite me waving at him to be polite but I didn’t care. He continue to walk toward the direction of the orphanage before looking at the window in which located Eliza office. It made my heart skip a beat just for a moment but there wasn’t I couldn’t do since I’m off work.

Walking away from the scene as I pray deeply that this doesn’t become that I think would lead to. I hope that Eliza doesn’t do something stupid that would cost her marriage. Then again, our Lord works in mysterious ways than beyond our imagination. I simply shrug and ignore the tangles of knot that bewling with one gut to another.

Theodosia Sr

There’s nothing like summer in the city.

Someone under stress meets someone looking sexy

There’s trouble in the air, you can smell it

And Eliza is by herself....

I’ll let her tell it

Eliza POV

I was left alone in this semi-huge orphanage just by myself working on each of the children files. Just the ones that I’m assign to but that wasn’t enough. By that, I mean the only ones here are the servants on night shift. They look after the kids making they’re sleeping peacefully. Or looking after the ones that were deeply sicks and so they manage their medication from here and there. Sighing to myself out of despair as I thought about my darling Alexander and my friendly Lafayette. They decided to go Upstate in order to visit my father since the children dearly misses him. Along with the midsummer is when they’re going to visit Laurens in South Carolina since it been so long since they last met. Mulligan is going to meet on the middle part of the journey since it would be nice to create a surprise visit for John. It’s nice to know that they all have each others but Angelica and I are separated from miles apart. Not to mention...I lost Peggy from the war after she was shot..from a signal gunshot wound. Sacrificing her life for an innocent child that had nothing to do with it. Except being a daughter of a sl....I can’t bring myself to say it. But yes, that event change me and Angelica a lot especially toward my father who clearly cherish her since she is one of his beloved daughters.

Leaving behind her husband and beautiful son behind but we still visit them but enough of the depress thing. I harshly rubbed my eyes as I been here at my office for a week. Brushing my fingers into my semi greasy hair and thought I should go home as well. Packing my things up as I thought about Alexander just holding in his arms. As we share the bed we slept in together. Or having Lafayette just escorting me around the city while trying to make me laugh. His corny jokes somehow manage to make me laugh from here and there. Just would’ve been nice to have one of them here by my side. Until I heard a knock from downstairs.

Eliza

I haven’t slept in a week

I was weak, I awake

When I’m alone in my room, sometimes I stare at the wall

Longing for Lafayette, Missing my Alexander

I heard a knock on the door, I knew it wasn't my husband That’s when Mister James Reynolds walked into my life He said:

Walking downstairs before opening the door to see a tall man with a large black hat and long black coat. Quite an odd outfit but I brush it off. I notice the black eye on his face which aches my heart. Knowing that this black eye must’ve come from his abusive spouse. I offer him some tea as we discuss in the living room before introducing himself to be Mr. James Reynolds. Which he announce his reasonings of why coming to the orphanage so late at night.

James Reynolds

I know you are a woman of honor

I’m so sorry to bother you at home

But I don’t know where to go

And I came here all alone...

Eliza:

He said...

James Reynolds

My wife been doing me wrong

Beating me...

Cheating me...

Mistreating me...

Suddenly, she up and gone

And, I don’t have the means to go on

I felt extremely upset to know about this poor going through an abusive marriage. Not to mention that he has a young daughter only about five years old. Wondering how could I help this man and his daughter as well. Giving me the facts that she comes and goes from three days to weeks, lead to months from on end. Decided to give him some extra crash that I’ve stock away in her desk drawer. Pulling out approximately about thirty bucks which is quite a lot back then. Thirty bucks could’ve equivalent to like a hundreds. Then again it’s the 1700s, so it wasn’t an issue trying to store a few extra cash. Giving, Mr. Reynolds the money to see that he’s very grateful that anyone would loan him such a large amount of money. Wiping the tears of joy away before leaning his arm to hold onto. Well, I didn’t see a problem for a woman to escort a find young man home.

Eliza:

So I offered him a loan, I offered to walk him home, he said

James Reynolds:

You’re too kind mam

Eliza

I gave him thirty bucks that I have stock away

He lived a block away, he said:

James Reynolds:

This one’s mine, mam

Surprisingly the the orphanage isn’t that too far off from where Reynolds live at. Then again, he live only a block away so it was only a short ten minutes. I would stand outside just letting the kind man to enter inside his house safe and sound. Hopefully, his wife is either asleep or isn’t home at the moment which brought a tight knot in my stomach.Then, i could go home and take a long hot bath and probably take the day off tomorrow. Since I haven’t slept nor bathe in a week. So, I probably smell very sticky which isn’t very ladylike of me. Turning away as I started to walk in the direction of where my home was. About to take my leave I felt James hand grabbing my own with a light blush on his face. Veryly confuse, as I didn’t prepare myself of what was about to happen next.

Eliza:

Then I said, “well, I should head back home,” He turned red, He led me to his bed Place me between his legs and said:

James Reynolds:

Stay?

Eliza:

H...Hey...

James Reynolds:

Hey...

Not even knowing what just till the last second is when I’m between Reynolds legs. With his arms around my waist as I lay on top of his bare. Apparently, I must’ve believe that he unbutton his red shirt during the time I went blank. Feeling my entire body heating up and my face turning into cherry red. Wasn’t sure how I magically escape from the grasp of his arms but that wasn’t the case. As a married woman and Reynolds being a married man shouldn’t doing something so sinful. Not to mention, I have Alexander and can’t let myself be the one to break his heart. Reaching toward the door but before getting the grasp on the knob. Reynolds held me from behind just my heart accelerating and my body hitting once again.

Feeling his lips just leaving butterflies kissing across my neck to the my bare shoulders. Barely knowledge that this man has strip my dress off my body. Leaving me in my closet and others underclothing just leaving me to shiver. Turning me around as I face this man in the eyes but adirmating his bare chest. Lightly breathing heavily but soon I mentally slap myself. Telling myself that I have a husband and children nevertheless. This devilish man has this sinfully smirk as he place his chest just feeling his heart beating.

Eliza: That’s when I began to pray:

Lord, show me how to

Say no to this

I don’t know how to

Say no to this

But my god, he looks so helpless

And his body’s saying “hell yes”

James Reynolds:

Whoa...

Eliza:

Lord, show me how to

Eliza/ Ensemble (Aka the fandom): Say no to this

Trying to put my dress back on and get the heck out there but Reynolds has other plans. Holding me closer to him as our lips were just meter aparts just barely brushing each others. The grids in my mind were grinding wildly just telling me “Get the hell out of there”. But I couldn’t feel my body, didn’t have the courage to pull away. That wasn’t the case...I didn’t want to push myself away from this find man. Turning my face away for a moment. Until, I felt him lifting my chin up just meeting my gaze to his before leaning. His lips against my own just made everything I have thought just few out the window. Before he lead me to the once again.

Eliza: I don’t know how to Eliza/ The fandom Say no to this Eliza: In my mind, I’m tryin’ to go The Fandom: Go! Go! Go!

Eliza: Then his mouth is on mine, and I don’t say…

Throughout the entire time I spent with this stranger of man just letting him pleasure. Just forgetting Alexander, Lafayette, Angelica, the kids. Basically just everyone I’ve ever knew as he and I done it in his bed. At his house, where his wife could’ve walk in on us but I didn’t care. I was alone and longing for companion. But my mind is screaming me with rage literally scolding for doing a cruel act. Letting myself get involved in adultery that I’ll soon regretted later on.

The Fandom:

No! No! Say no to this!

No! No! Say no to this!

No! No! Say no to this!

No! No! Say no to this!

Third POV

Unaware by his wife adultery with another married man, Alexander Hamilton a proud father and helpless husband. Smiling happily while looking at the pendant that his late younger sister- in law, Peggy gave to him. It was originally a birthday gift but the widely woman decided to give this little gremlin as a wedding. Chucking by the memories of the late Peggy but blush while smiling a little. It was a picture of him and Eliza on their wedding day which brought warm memories to him. That day brought heartbreaks to both Lafayette and Laurens. As the French general has fallen deeply in love with Elizabeth Schuyler but given her up for his brother. While John is in love with his best friend but was already marriage and have a daughter of his own. Still, they wanted to see this Caribbean immigrant keeping a beautiful smile while basketing his love for Eliza.

The Hamilsquad has finally reunited after being seperated from the war for far too long. Which has been nearly a decade or more since the four men last saw each others. Apparently, Burr is suppose to meet up with the others at Lauren house but wasn’t able to at the last minute. As his daughter has gotten ill which is terrible for a child to be sick during the summer. Anyway, nearly getting side tracked as the four males were playing around with the children. Dancing with them, playing with them, and etc. As the children run around Alexander pull his pendant. Staring at the picture at his beautiful as he felt helpless once again after all these years during their marriage.

Alexander / The Fandom:

Helpless!!

(Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey)

Looking into your eyes

And the sky’s the limit

(Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey)

I’m helpless

(Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey)

Lafayette saw his brother smile weakly while spinning around like the lovesick puppy that Hamilton is. Walking away from the immigrant as the French male heart tighten a bit knowing fully well that Eliza will never be his. He has come to terms with it but still heartbroken after all these years. Now, married with another woman in France with children of their own. Yet, Lafayette still loves Eliza and that would never change. Even that meant marrying someone else. As one brother is smiling happily with hearts flying around him as the other brother was staring out the window. A single tear rolled down his caramel skin before brushing it away in order not to let others know.

Alexander/Lafayette

Will she ever be satisfied?

(Down for the count,

And I’m

Drowning’ in them)

She will never be satisfied

Back at New York is where both men were unaware that Eliza is sleeping with another married man. But also growing mutual feelings for him as well. As Eliza woken up from his bed in shock and disgusted with herself for letting this happen. Trying to break it off and made sure this was a one time only moment. Well ain’t that fantasy that Eliza suddenly ask for too much. As the guilt and regrets will arrive years later and she won’t even how the affair being leak out. Though she didn’t care and immediately left the house luckily, no one was around to started ridiculous gossip. Heading straight home to take a bath and sleep hopefully this is the final counter she’ll have with Reynolds. Or so she thought.

Eliza: I wish I could say that was the last time I said that last time. It became a pastime A month into this endeavor I received a letter From a Mrs. Maria Reynolds, even better, it said: Maria: Dear Madam, I hope this letter finds you in good health And in a prosperous enough position to put wealth In the pockets of people like me: down on their luck You see, that was my husband who you decided to Eliza: Shhhh—

A month past by and her affair with Reynolds continue and escalated to him spending multiple night at her house. As they slept on the same bed that she with her darling Alexander. No matter how many time she wanted to call this affair off. Reynolds always seduce her back into his arms by that charming and charismatic attitude of his. Those methods always make her legs jelly and wobbling. It lead them to exchanging tiny little love letters from here and there. Until one day, at her office Theodosia brought her letter which was sent from Mrs. Maria Reynolds. Feeling her blood run before locking the door. Reading the telegrams which is promptly by none other than Reynolds wife. Claiming that she knows about the affair and herself as well. A large lump began to form in his throat as she continue reading the paper. Feeling that dark presented behind Eliza back just feeling Maria mocking her for sleeping with her own husband.

Yet, that not even the worst part.

Maria: Uh-oh! You made the wrong sucker a cuckold So time to pay the piper for the dress you stripped And hey, you can keep seeing’ that piece of shit If the price is right: if not I’m telling your man

Straight up blackmailing the young wife that if she doesn’t pay in the correct. This other wife would spill the details to her Alexander. In pure anger, she races out of her office but not without leaving confuse looks on her coworkers face’s. Nearly running toward Reynolds house as she proudly let herself to slam the door shut harshly. Racing toward upstairs as I saw James right before myself as I proceeded to slap him hard across the face. Shock but also hurt by this reaction as Eliza shove the letter in front of the man’s face.

Eliza: I hid the letter and I raced to his place Screamed

“How could you?!”

in his face He said: James No, Mam!!

Eliza:

Half dressed, apologetic. A mess, he looked

Pathetic, he cried:

James:

Please don’t go, mam!

Not caring if this man was even half naked or half dress in front of her. This affair is officially over but Reynolds grabbed Eliza’s hand. Not wanting to lose of what they have during the entire period of summer. Pulling herself away from this man with a look of anger spreading on her expression. Whimpering on the inside as Reynolds never saw this side of Eliza before. She was so kind and thoughtful toward him. Never forgetting her generosity to donated a large sum of money just for his daughter Susan. Holding Eliza in his arms once again but this married woman firmly pushes herself out of his reach. Tears were streaming down his face before on his knees. Betting this kind hearted woman to not leave him alone with his wife. Despite not knowing either he was serious or was all of this an act.

Eliza:

So was your whole story a setup?

James:

I don’t know about any letter!

Eliza:

Stop crying

God damnit, get up!

James:

I didn’t know any better

Eliza:

I am ruined...

Frantically pulling her hair while her own tears flooded her face. Realizing that consequences of what this affair leading to. This could ruin an entire innocent happy marriage and another marriage leading to a divorce in court. Both of them panicking as Maria has full control of them especially Eliza. Since she did indeed fallen trip into their spider webs of lies. The married man tries to persuade to stay with in his arms. Work before and show work again. Doesn’t need any other woman but her at the time being. Even it may cost him his life. Holding her into his arms once again while wiping her tears away with a soft touch.

Eliza / James:

Please don’t leave me with her, I’m helpless

(I am helpless—how could I do this?)

Just give her what he wants and you can have me

Eliza:

I don’t want you

James:

What?

Eliza:

I don’t want you

James/Eliza

Whatever you want (I don’t...)

If you pay,

You can

Stay!!!!

Eliza wanted to pull away but didn’t have the strength nor the energy to do so. Letting Reynolds cherish her one last time. Clinging onto him before letting the small kisses into full on make out. Which them on the bed once again. Just like how the first night when they first met. Eliza feeling regretful but yet a bit satisfied about this affair. Not sure why...she didn’t even know her self. They just want the pleasurable moment for one last time.

Eliza

Lord, show me how to

Say no to this

I don’t know how to

Say no to this

Cause the situation is helpless

And his body screaming “hell yes”

Lord, show me how to

Say no to this

Eliza/James

How can I say not to this?!

Eliza:

There is nowhere I can go?!

When his body on mine I do not say

Sharing a kisses from here and there from the lips, neck, and other sort etc. James notice a matching pendant around Eliza neck. Open by itself to see the man that Eliza is currently married to in made him freeze for a moment. Just staring at the picture on the day on this woman married her husband. Shaking lightly before shutting it quickly just wanting to get this over this. That picture suddenly began mocking him. Feeling this affair might put a tired on Eliza marriage with Alexander. Which he praise that doesn't happen. Which it's rare to have this emotions that he never had before.

Still both Reynolds and Eliza mind were screaming at them.Telling these two adults that “NO! This isn’t right” basic stuff. That both of them knew but decided to ignore it.

Eliza/James/The Fandom

Yes (Yes!)

Say no to this!

No!

Yes (Yes!)

Say no to this!

No!

Yes (Yes!)

Say no to this!

No!

Yes (Yes!)

Say no to this!

After this finally orderal, Eliza slowly and shamefully getting dressed as Reynolds lay in bed. Not looking at each others seem to be the best choice at the moment. Eliza wiped a few tears feeling so dirty and disgusted with herself. Her actions. Hopefully that she can put this in the past. And forget that it ever happen in the first place. Pulling out two envelope from the pocket of her dress. Both fill with crash.

Eliza:

Say no to this...

I don’t

Eliza/James:

Say no to this

Eliza:

There is nowhere I can go

The fandom:

Go, Go, Go

Right before her stood Maria Reynolds at the doorway with a little girl by her side. Apparently, this is their daughter that James mention before. Wearing a beautiful red dress that seem to share the same color and color of her husband shirt. Having a smug look on her face full aware of what just happened since this bedroom. But she could care less since its the money she need for a lawyer during a divorce court. But sweet little Eliza doesn’t need to know about that.

Maria:

So?

The other married woman sigh in defeat as she place the two full envelope on Maria hands. About thousands dollars in total. Looking down as the child stare at in confusion and curious of what was happening. But her innocent must be protected and so for that. The deed has been done and all of this affair is just hush hush. Racing out of the house in a rush with tears threatening to leave her eyes. Returning back to the orphanage in an hour as Theodosia, Martha, Dolley didn’t notice her return. Until hearing you close the door to her office and locking it. Her back was press against the wood before sliding down as she held her knee tightly. Tears spring down to the fabric of her dress before quietly whisper to herself.

“Nobody needs to know”

Nearly given  up writing  this fanfic but I made myself to finish. But yeah.. hope y'all enjoy

[harry-niclach]

TS TS

Virgil had been going through tics all his life whether or not it was more noticable now he was seventeen was a different story, as a kid he had always had very small and barely motor tics but now he was seventeen they included twitches of the head, arms, the scrunching up of the eyes or the face, rarely he would become paralysed and end up falling somewhere and he would just lay on the ground until he could stand again which usually took around ten minutes but on bad days it was longer, the only good thing about the paralysis one was that he didn’t twitch when it happened, he made involuntary noises and he often said random things but up until this point he had been very alone, no wanted to hand out with him because he didn’t fit into friend groups the only thing that helped him feel better was that when he was sixteen (last year) he had been officially diagnosed with tourette's syndrome, and at first it had been heartbreaking and he had looked at the news as debilitating which it really was but he soon began to look at it in a different light as his dads really encouraged him to embrace it and they didn’t ridicule him or stare and they somehow never seemed embarrassed but one of the most helpful things they did was to do with his coprolalia which made him swear and say inappropriate phrases and they didn’t happen often but when they did he always hated it they happened a lot when he was stressed which was becoming a lot more since exam season was coming up and he was always stressed about his grades. His dads never ever ridiculed him and they even laughed with him and the times Virgil wasn’t laughing, they would comfort him.

Virgil wasn’t on meds because they did nothing for him and he had met some awful people on his way to where he was but now he was joining a new high school as they had just moved to a new town, he didn’t mind they moved often but his dad Patton was certain they would be staying here for as long as they could and his Pa Logan had agreed and Virgil was perfectly content with it as this house was one of the better ones and the town seemed to be too.

He had to get two buses to school though which was a pain, because he wasn’t very good at suppressing his tics and even if he was he didn’t want to because it hurt and when he stopped suppressing them a lot more came out and the silence he had made didn’t compensate for the tics that came out.

It was on a Tuesday that his life changed a bit more that he would’ve thought, he was sat on the bus trying to muffle his vocal tics which was working somewhat, it was fair to say that today wasn't a particularly good tic day but he had had worse, his physical tics however were not doing well, his head kept twitching to the side and his hand and arms kept stretching, he kept kicking his leg out in front of him, luckily no one was sat in front of him. He kept taking deep breaths which worked for about twenty seconds before the slight flailing came back,

Before he could think about how to stop them though someone sat next to him and he immediately panicked and that didn’t help at all and right after the person sat down Virgil’s right arm shot out and punched this person in the arm, but they didn’t say anything, they turned with a smile and held their hand out,

“Greetings! I am Roman, Who might you be?” He seemed to be in the best mood even though he had just been harshly punched for no apparent reason,

“I’m -lemon!- Virgil,” He shook Roman’s hand before looking down but it didn’t last long as his head jerked to the side and his eyes screwed shut before relaxing for a few seconds, then his arms began to flail a bit but this stranger- Roman- didn’t seem to mind at all, in fact, he seemed to be ignoring the tics altogether which, in Virgil’s opinion was brilliant!

“Do you go to Golden Oak?” Roman once again was smiling as he ignored Virgil’s ticing he thought it the nicest thing to do and the boy seemed very self conscious and nervous about his tics so Roman decided not to bring it up,

“Yeah -lemon!- do you?” Virgil’s arms id some weird flinging thing, his leg kicked a couple times and his head jerked right and then left a few times before flinging back and then finally relaxing again,

“I sure do! It is one of the most magnificent schools i have been to! And I absolutely adore that you will be attending it too! Oh! Do you have your schedule yet?” Roman was basically glowing,

“Yeah,” Virgil pulled out his schedule and passed it to Roman who scanned it quickly and then beamed,

“We have every class together except for biology, i do Spanish, and art because I’m in drama!” Virgil was, honestly, relieved because this Roman dude seemed really nice but he supposed it was time to explain himself,

“Cool, I feel -F-fu- that I should ex-fuck- explain myself, I have tourettes -Pancakes!- and i do a lot of -Lemon!- ticking, I don’t think about -Pancakes!- or lemons as much as I say it,” Virgil’s head jerked a little and both his legs swung and kicked, his gloved right hand punched his chest as he squeaked,

“I guessed that was the case! And don’t worry about it! Last year I wrote three different papers on tourettes!” Roman seemed so nice and Virgil couldn’t help but smile back, since being diagnosed he had learned to laugh at life and he would often laugh at his ticks because they were awkward and the best way to dismiss that was by laughing about and sometimes his tics were funny but sometimes they were just exhausting, especially in classes.

Roman and Virgil made small talk until the next stop where they needed to wait for a different bus,

“Lemon! Fuck! Pancakes!” Virgil’s vocal tics could just be let g for now because the only ones getting on this bus were Roman and Virgil and if Virgil was very lucky not many people or none would be on the bus, while they waited Roman began to speak,

“If you don’t mind me asking, and you can totally say no, but would you like to...be friends?” Roman sounded remarkably smaller and a little sacred and Virgil wasn’t going to deny him, in all honesty, Virgil would love to be Roman’s friend,

“Lemons! I would like -f-fu- that,” Virgil suppressed his swearing tics as much as possible but most times he couldn’t stop, plus it hurt to suppress tics. Roman visibly brightened and then without warning hugged Virgil before backing off a little, it was short and sweet, and in all honesty Virgil enjoyed it,

“Do you think -pancakes!- that you could sit -lemons!- sit with-” Virgil stopped being able to talk as his jerked and his arms flailed too much to keep talking as he just couldn’t get the words out, so he waited it out, it lasted five whole minutes but he was fine, Roman seemed worried though,

“Virgil? Are you okay?” He seemed hesitant to ask but his worry outweighed his hesitancy,

“Yeah -cats!- I’m fine,” Virgil breathed deeply as he tried to focus, he kept making noises obviously, he did that most of the time and every now and then his gloved hand would come up and punch his chest or his rams would fly up or out or back,

“What were you going to say?” Roman tried to fix the conversation,

“Could you -Lemons!- sit with me at -lime!- Lunch?” Virgil looked at Roman for a while but his head jerked and he broke eye contact, Roman smiled and nodded very enthusiastically, the truth was Roman didn’t have any real friends sure he had ‘friends’ but a lot of them were toxic and none of them really liked him, they liked the mask he put on but Virgil seemed to like him so far and if he decided he didn’t like the real Roman, the mask could always come back up.

“Of course! I would love to dearest Virgil!” Roman gestured wildly with his hands and Virgil could already tell, he was one of the most extroverted kids, but he didn’t mind because Roman seemed like a true friend, he couldn’t help but let a gummy smile crossed his face as he watched Roman prance around lamenting words of endearment.

The bus pulled up two minutes later it was packed full today and that did not bode well, Roman got on first, leaving Virgil to follow him as his head jerked and his hands made random gestures, Roman choose a seat near the back and thank god that the only four seats that weren’t taken were the two behind and the two in front but there were people sitting across from them and diagonally to them, Roman let Virgil have the window seat so that his ticking didn’t run the risk of hitting anyone except himself and Roman which Roman was absolutely fine with.

Virgil began to talk to Roman, this time he started the conversation,

“What do you -Lemons!- know about tourettes?” He had to admit he was curious, because Roman could be misinformed or he could simply not know the right things for Virgil’s kind of tics or he could simply just not know things but there was also a chance that he did know these things,

“Well, I know about a lot of different types of tics, I know about and vaguely understand coprolalia, I understand what tic attacks are and I know some random bits of information that probably won’t ever be useful but I know them,” Roman seemed really interested inn tourettes and he seemed dedicated to his papers because that was a lot of information to retain and to understand it, even vaguely was impressive,

“I’m surprised most -pancakes! Fuck! Shit! Cunt!-” Virgil’s head jerked wildly again and his legs swung forward, kicking the chair in front quite hard as his arm punched in Roman’s direction hitting him in the shoulder, but he didn’t react, unlike those around them, people were staring with looks of disgust but Virgil had a mantra for times like this,

Those that mind, don’t matter and those that matter, don’t mind.

He repeated it a couple times in his head before speaking again,

“Most people don’t -shit!- don’t understand, even -lemons!- vaguely,” Virgil had an air of confidence but his eyes told a different story, they had an undertone of frustration and anger but a set sadness and fear were buried under that, Roman could see it all but decided not to point it out,

“Well, what can I say?-” Virgil cut him off

“Except you’re welcome!” He had a bright smile plastered on his face at the brilliant reference and Roman covered his mouth ad he gasped quietly,

“You...Like Disney??!!” He seemed very excited and Virgil felt so full of joy in that moment, more joy than he had felt in the last year, sure he had experienced joy but not like this. Virgil nodded causing his head to jerk down five times before he could look back up again,

“Well what about Mulan? Let’s talk” and so the rest of their journey consisted of ignoring the snarls and looks of disgust and the not-so-silent whispers passing around the bus about Virgil, and consequently Roman as the two spoke about every Disney film and the characters and eventually they were talking about Harry potter, the books versus the movies, so far Virgil’s argument for the books seemed to be winning, but before they could continue the bus stopped at the school and Virgil got all anxious again,

“Fuck! Shit! Fuck off!” The people were now just talking about him as he followed Roman to the exit but they didn’t make it that far, they were stopped by someone and Virgil instantly knew what was coming before they even opened their mouth nd it seemed so did Roman,

Virgil held his jacket close as he slung his backpack on his shoulder,

“What is wrong with you?” This was one of the times when Virgil wished this man had some curiosity in his voice but he didn’t, all it held was malice. Roman caught the question before Virgil could answer, as his head was jerking too much, but he managed to control his arms because they were holding his jacket very tightly, his shoulder kept jerking back though, and it would hurt the next day because t always did but that was the least of his problems right now,

“Let me answer that. There is simply nothing wrong with him, he is a fine friend and i don’t believe there is anything wrong with him. Unless you do?” Roman’s voice had an undertone of danger but this dude seemed to miss it,

“Yeah, I do! Look right now, even when we’re talking he can’t focus on us! And he keeps saying weird shit! What’s wrong with him?” The man’s insults weren’t anything that Virgil hadn’t heard before but they still hurt no matter how many times he heard them,

“Like I said, nothing is wrong with him, now excuse us, we have to get going,” Roman pushed past the man and Virgil stuck close, once they were off the bus Roman let out and angry sigh and Virgil thought he was mad at him for being an embarrassment but it didn’t happen,

“I was about to punch that guy,” Roman sounded angry but he wasn’t really, not anymore. Virgil’s head jerked a couple times and there were some weird noises and the word lemons but other than that he seemed to have calmed down a little now that they were off the bus,

“C’mon we’ll be late,” Roman took Virgil by the hand, gently, and led them to their first class, Math.

-

It turned out that they weren’t late at all, in fact, they were the first there beside the teacher, who smiled kindly, having already met Virgil she ignored the tics which now were just noises and the scrunching of the eyes and face, which weren’t really that bothersome unless he was reading, good thing they weren’t in English.

“Is there a seating plan?” Roman spun around, Miss Kathleen (she made sure they called her by her first name) was Roman’s favourite teacher, she was by far the most understanding and she was really funny, but she was like a mother to everyone but she wouldn’t tolerate bullying and she could really be strict if the situation called for it. Roman idolised her because she was just so great!

“Oh, well there is but since you are here early and you’re one of my favourites I’ll let you pick your seat and who sits beside you,” She smiled again and Roman beamed back before grabbing Virgil's hand again and leading him to the back, left corner, next to the window, which Virgil was very grateful for, after they had their books out (Virgil getting a completely new set of books to work from) Roman began talking,

“I think this is like one of the only classes with a seating plan so I’ll sit next to you in the other ones!” Roman was radiating happiness,

“Yeah, that would -Lemons! Fuck!- be nice,” Virgil’s head went back to jerking and his legs swung out, as his shoulders jerked back every once and a while and his arms would either come up to hit Roman or to hit himself. Today was going to be a long day.

-

Five classes and a break later, it was lunchtime, now Virgil didn’t have any complaints about the five classes he had been through, sure he got some weird looks and people who told him to ‘shhh’ but he ignored them because,

Those that mind don’t matter, and those that matter don’t mind

He was sat alone at one of the far away lunch tables he waited for Roman despite not being sure he would even turn up, he was wrong though because not even two minutes later Roman bounded over to the table Virgil was sat at, his legs swinging and his eyes scrunching up, as his arm punched his chest, he squeaked too, Virgil thought his tics were the worst thing but Roman thought they made Virgil cute and oddly attractive,

Roman sat down having just come from biology and Spanish the two were talking about what the lesson had been like and Roman was asking Virgil if he had been okay,

“So, did anyone give you trouble?” Roman sounded so protective and Virgil almost wanted to tell him that the biology teacher, despite being a biology teacher, was an ignorant dick, but he decided against and told Roman about his seat,

“I have to sit next to -fuck! Lemon, pancakes- to some kid who -lemon- thinks I’m a -lemon, lemon, lemon- freak and treats me like -fuck! Shit!- an experiment, I've had worse though,” He punched himself in the chest before his arm shot out to the side and the his elbows jerked back, his head jerked left then right then left again and his face scrunched up, all before he started eating,

“I mean, if you want I could take his whole face out?” Roman seemed dead serious and that just made it ten times funnier and Virgil threw his head back in a true, full body laugh, and the best part? It was a tic free moment. Roman joined in but then as they both calmed down someone walked over to their table and they seemed to have such an air of confidence that wasn’t fake at all and that was a little worrying, to say the least,

“Hey Roman, why aren’t you sitting with us today?” This kid wasn’t even acknowledging Virgil, like at all, but that was okay because Virgil didn’t really want to be noticed, so he just continued to eat his lunch,

“Well, I just thought I would sit here for today, y’know for some...Variety? Yes that’s the word!” Roman waved his hands around and smiled brightly though Virgil could see through the smile and it wasn’t like the one he had seen only minutes ago, but he decided to bring it up later,

The girl hummed, “Okay, well, if you don’t want to sit alone, then you can always come join us,” The girl took one last look at Roman before she tried to walk away but Roman butt in,

“What do you mean alone?” His tone was ludicrous but he was always that little bit extra,

“Well, you’re sat by yourself, or at least this kid that your sat with probably doesn’t talk much so it must feel like you’re alone,” She snickered,

“Well for your information, we happen to be having the most wondrous conversations and I like his company more than yours,” Roman seemed mad but Virgil didn’t really believe that Roman was mad,

“Geez, okay dude, no need to be so harsh,”

“Irony,” Virgil couldn’t help himself, he found irony so funny and stupid at the same time, kinda like tumblr humour, not the point!  

“What did you say to me?” The kid seemed genuinely curious but there was an underlying tone of danger that, while it went unnoticed by Roman, was not missed by Virgil, and you see Virgil wasn’t a violent person but he would and could fight if he had to and the weird thing was, when he got angry at someone or when someone he loved was being threatened his tics went away and it was amazing but it was also strange and it upset Virgil that it couldn’t be explained, but hey ho what can you do but get on with life,

“Irony,” Virgil repeated himself,

“What do you mean, irony?”

“Your response was ironic,” Virgil stood up from the table and turned to look at the girl who had come over,

“How dare you?!” She was mad but Virgil wasn’t sure if she would start a fight of not, hopefully she wouldn’t but you could never be sure with some people,

“What?” Virgil cocked his head to the side slightly and at this point there was a small crowd growing, Roman was still seated,

“You realise that you can’t speak to me like that?” She took three steps closer to Virgil, he didn’t step back like sh expected, he wasn’t afraid of her,

He held his ground.

They glared at each other for a second before she clenched her right fist and took a swing at Virgil’s face, she hit her target but she left herself wide open and Virgil swung his foot to kick her in the back of the knee, as she tripped, Virgil took a swing at her side just o throw her off balance a little more,

Now Virgil with only a bloody nose and this girl with a sore knee and a sure to bruise side, she tried to tackle him again but he just aimlessly dodged her and after that she was sure she wouldn’t miss again and she was right, she didn’t, she brought her fist up to Virgil’s eye and she hit him right in the left eye, he stumbled back a little but before he could be hit he elbowed her in the back before falling to the ground when something hit him in the back of the head,

He turned to see that it was another boy presumably this girls boyfriend but at this point Virgil’s vision was blurry and his head was throbbing he could only see out of one eye and he could taste his blood on his tongue, but he wasn’t done yet,

He wouldn’t lose this time.

Virgil stood up and stepped into a fighting position his eye already bruising up, the boy looked at him and laughed,

It was funny how he stopped laughing when Virgil brought his leg up in a very straight line and kicked the guy in the nose, he brought his feet back into an apprehensive stance as taekwondo was turning out to be useful he would thank his pa later for suggesting he take classes,

“How dare you?!” The boy recovered faster than the girl did and that surprised Virgil but he liked a challenge,

Virgil smiled a little as he strafed right to avoid the punches that were swung his way and then the boy decided he had had enough of being beaten he began to use brute force never leaving room for Virgil to attack back he was on the defense for the near future and he didn’t like it, his arms had been raised into an x position in front of his chest and his face to avoid a lot of pain but he had no room to attack, his arms become sore, absolutely sure to bruise heavily and he was sure he could keep it up,

Until he heard a snap.

He felt more than heard it but as soon as it happened he felt his arm become limp and it burned with pain he wanted to scream but he knew that wasn’t a good idea so he just let his tears fall silently instead of screaming or saying anything he gritted his teeth and just as the boy pulled away as he thought he had won, Virgil hugged his arm to his chest as he ducked under his arms but before he could do anything else a voice was heard over all the chanting in the crowd,

“What is going on here?!” It sounded like the head teacher but Virgil wasn’t sure, in seconds though he was leaned against the table,

Roman ha moved him.

And he was now sitting in front of Virgil asking him questions but Virgil couldn’t hear him over the blood rushing to his ears and the gasping noises he was making certainly didn’t help, the group started to dissipate but not everyone left a few pairs and the odd trio were still hanging around but Virgil couldn’t focus on anything else apart from the pain he felt,

“Vi….il….infirmary...c’mon….” That was most definitely Roman’s voice and there were shouts and murmurs in the background but as it happened Virgil wasn’t sure what was happening he wasn’t even sure how he was moving or if he was doing it himself, spoiler alert he wasn’t, He felt warmth around him though and that was somewhat comforting he would feel incredibly comfortable right now if it wasn’t for the pain he felt everywhere.

-^-

Okay so I know that was a lot and I know i don’t know a lot about tourettes I don’t have tourette's but I tried to research as much as possible and it may not be correct but I tried really hard and f you would like to massage me any feedback you might have don’t be shy I would love to hear what you think and where I may have gotten things wrong and if you want and if I get enough feedback about what is wrong and what id right then I will update it an we can work together to make to more correct and to read smoother and to sound better. I hope you enjoyed regardless of any mistakes and who knows maybe I’ll make a part two depending on how this is received who knows you might all hate it a lot but maybe some people will like it, well no matter what I enjoyed writing it and learning I love you all and of you read all of this note thanks you’re all pretty great human beings and I appreciate you,

@the-crazed-band-kid @nobodygotarrested

You both seemed very excited for this but then I don’t like it and it’s not very good but you said you would give me honest to god feedback so please tell me the good bits and the horrifically awful bits, if it’s incorrect or insults you in any way I will take it down,

Love you all

- Harry

[la-knight]

BOOKS I (RE)READ IN 2018: FURTHERMORE BY TAHEREH MAFI

"Alice Alexis Queensmeadow, 12, rates three things most important: Mother, who wouldn’t miss her; magic and color, which seem to elude her; and Father, who always loved her. Father disappeared from Ferenwood with only a ruler, almost three years ago. But she will have to travel through the mythical, dangerous land of Furthermore, where down can be up, paper is alive, and left can be both right and very, very wrong. Her only companion is Oliver whose own magic is based in lies and deceit. Alice must first find herself—and hold fast to the magic of love in the face of loss." "Red was ruby, green was fluorescent, yellow was simply incandescent. Color was life. Color was everything. Color, you see, was the universal sign of magic." "Love, it turned out, could both hurt and heal." "Narrow-mindedness will only get you as far as Nowhere, and once you're there, you're lost forever.” "Alice was an odd girl, even for Ferenwood, where the sun occasionally rained and the colors were brighter than usual and magic was as common as a frowning parent." "Making magic is far more interesting than making sense." So I actually read this book a few months ago and then recently reread it via audio so I could remember all the details for this review. I was first introduced to Tahereh Mafi’s work through her book Shatter Me, her debut novel. Ironically, it wasn’t through any of the ways I normally hear about books - Booktube, Goodreads, my best friend, Booklr - but from my husband’s aunt. She runs - or used to run, not sure if she’s still doing it - a book review blog. And she posted a review of Shatter Me and I was like, “What a weird, interesting writing style, lemme check this out.” At this point the entire Shatter Me Trilogy plus novellas had been published and I devoured all of them (still need to review those, too). So when I heard Tahereh Mafi was writing a middle grade book, I got super excited! Especially because this was during a time when I was too stressed out to read any YA, since most of the YA I like involves having to save the world and all the stress that entails. I need to lay out some trigger warnings real quick: the main character, Alice? Her mom is incredibly abusive, both emotionally and physically. It’s treated as not such a big deal in the book, which is honestly the story’s only real flaw, but it’s bad. It took me seven tries and resorting to an audiobook (and even with a fantastic narrator, that short audiobook took me almost a month to get through) because the abuse was so bad. So:

TRIGGER WARNING: THIS BOOK CONTAINS EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL ABUSE OF A CHILD BY THEIR PARENT

Let’s get started, yo! First of all, the setting. OMG. See, I love tthis thing called Victorian fairy tales, which is something you can find in books like Mary Poppins - these super fantastical bits of whimsy that just warm your heart and make you grin because they’re so creative and fun. In the Mary Poppins books, you can jump into chalk drawings and go to a circus amidst the stars and make friends with a woman who sells living candy-cane horses. In Catherynne Valente’s Fairyland series, there are shadow balls and talking phonographs. And in Furthermore, there’s light raining down from the sky in literal drops, sticks of magic you use like money, and forests full of invisible berries. The way the world is put together and described, so full of color and imagination, is awesome and beautiful and I could picture it perfectly. It reminded me in all the best ways of books like The Phantom Tollbooth (one of my favorites). But I wouldn’t want to live there, because Ferenwood is full of colorism and ick. Alice, the female lead, is an albino in a world where color is important and the darker you are, the more magical you’re considered to be. So Alice gets treated like garbage. 

Also I think Alice may be autistic, but I don’t know if she’s deliberately coded autistic or if Tahereh Mafi did it by accident while trying to make Alice eccentric, but she comes across as autistic. I’ve actually begun to pay more attention to that sort of the thing in recent years, being autistic myself, and I see it a lot - authors giving their characters autistic characteristics, often without meaning to. I just touch on it here because Alice is already treated badly for being albino, but she’s also considered a freak because of the way she behaves - like an autistic preteen. And I wonder if Tahereh Mafi did that on purpose as a sort of commentary or not, because while Alice is treated badly by the people of Ferenwood for her behavior, the Narrator (who is an actual character in the story; love when that happens) always sides with Alice in this regard. The storyline is sweet and I love it. Alice tries to compete in the magical testing all the preteens do on their twelfth birthday, and so she dances. And her dancing is magical but it’s not Magical, you know? So she fails the test. Well, turns out a boy who passed the test the year before, Oliver (the brat), needs Alice’s help fulfilling a quest - rescuing Alice’s missing dad. So they go on a quest together, although Alice hates Oliver (and rightly so, he’s rude). They go to a dozen different and cool places, all of which are dangerous and all of which are different. I wish we could’ve spent more time in those places but I understand why we didn’t. The only annoying thing is there’s an origami fox on the cover but it only pops up in one of the worlds for like two pages and then it’s gone and I thought we could spend more time both in that world and with that creature since it ended up on the cover. But alas, not. I understand why - middle grade is often cursed to be short, especially if it’s the author’s first MG novel ever. Once you get big and bad like Rick Riordan you can start tossing out gihugic tomes like Son of Neptune or Blood of Olympus on the regular. Oliver’s reason for needing Alice was one I didn’t see coming, nor was her magical talent - a talent they hint at throughout the book but never explain until near the end, at the perfect moment. I thought it was an interesting commentary on how young girls perceive themselves, that Alice hates this marvelous, amazing talent she has of bringing color into the world from nothing...because she can’t use it to change how she looks. Society has trained her already, by the age of twelve, to discount something incredible about herself because she can’t use it to make herself into what society wants her to be. That’s pretty impressive for a book this short. I loved some of the more deliberate messages in the work - the thing I mentioned about society’s pressures on young girls, and also that it’s okay to tell boys to screw off if they’re mean to you, and to have hope and to look for second chances (Alice thinks she only has one chance to pass the test and believes her life is over when she fails, only to find out she can try again the next year). I love all of that, and the lyrical and whimsical quality of the prose, and the world building is so creative and also makes me a bit hungry (people eat magic in this book, among other things; I wonder what it tastes like). Now...let’s talk about the abuse. That’s my biggest issue with the book. Alice’s mother is a total bitch. And not in a cool, kickass way like the lady in the show Empire. She’s vicious, she’s cruel, and she’s abusive. Alice knows - and the Narrator confirms - that she turned bad when her husband went missing, and apparently the worry for him and the strain of raising four kids on her own is making her hard and sad, but I don’t give a shit. I was hoping Tahereh Mafi would’ve gone all Hansel and Gretel on this lady and when Alice comes home with her dad, the wife’s dead or something. She beats Alice (at one point she beat Alice for chasing a boy out of the place where she was sleeping, even though he kept staring at her in her sleeping clothes, because apparently the boy - Oliver - had the right to break into their barn at 3AM and ogle Alice???), she verbally abuses Alice, she sends her to bed regularly without dinner, is constantly criticizing, won’t hug her or kiss her, and - this one really got me, for some reason - forces her to do illegal things. Those invisible berries I mentioned? Alice can find them and bring back whole baskets because of her magical gift, and so her mom sends her out to pick them all the time. If she brings home enough, her mom smiles. If she doesn’t, her mom yells and calls her names and sometimes beats her. Guess what? Picking those berries is illegal. We don’t find this out until much later in the book, but it is. The thing I didn’t like about the berries is that Oliver, who’s thirteen, is less concerned about Alice’s mother beating her for not picking enough contraband berries and instead focuses on how her ability to find the berries in the first place means Alice has really impressive magic. NOBODY seems to care how much Alice is being abused, not even the Narrator. The Narrator sympathizes with Alice’s hurt feelings and despair over her missing Father, but it’s never objectively stated that her mom is abusing her AND SHE IS. Yeah, her mom is sooo glad to have her back after Alice almost dies on her trip with Oliver, but so what? My roommate’s mom is so abusive that my roommate’s clergy leaders, doctors, and psychological therapist all said my roommate needed to cut ties with said mom, even though my roommate’s mom has also exhibited the same kind of “oh baby I’m so sorry, I love you so much” bullshit. That’s what abusers do. So I hate Alice’s mom. She literally makes her daughter feel like if she doesn’t risk her life numerous times AND bring her father back, there is no chance her mother will ever love her. And if she pulls that stuff off (which she does), then MAYBE her mother will love her. Nuh-uh. Nope. Hate that bitch. Other than that, I really loved this book. The characters felt real (Alice is me, but without my anger), Even the ones I didn’t like were still REAL, and well-drawn. The world building and word choice is fantastic. Basically, if you can get past the evil mom, read this book. World Building: 1 star Realism: 1 star Word Choice: 1 star Plot: 1 star Characterization: 1 star - ¼ star because Oliver Newbanks is an obnoxious little creep - 1 star because the mom is AN ABUSIVE EVIL BITCH - ¼ star because NOBODY DOES ANYTHING ABOUT THAT +½ star because Alice is amazing and has a genius brain and I love her Total score: 4/5 stars Would I Buy It: Yes! I own it and loved it enough I got the sequel for Christmas (in...2017...I've been sitting on this review for months...)! Would I Recommend: yes, but with trigger warnings. Again, highly abusive evil bitch mom who somehow doesn’t die.

[the-marvel-imagines-blog]

Madness | Chpt. 5

Requests are Open

Chapter Title: “Thunder in the Rain”

Pairing: Loki x Original Female Character

Word Count: 7,968

Warnings: angst (I mean, when is it not angsty?), new character alert, also some kissing :*

Name Pronunciations: Hjalmar: “He-all-mar” | Aaldir: “All-deer” | Ephinea: “Eh-fin-ee-uh”

A/N: Y’all are my favorite people in the universe. Thank you so much for reading and enjoying what I’m writing. Even if not every chapter is you cup of tea, it means a lot to see that people are leaving likes, messaging me, reblogging, etc. I love you all so much! Also, please note that I have taken and will be taking a lot of creative liberties pertaining to these characters. This will be shown in excess during the upcoming chapters, so I just wanted to give a bit of a warning.

Tagged: @teddyboobear @alledeglyfunny (anyone who wants to be tagged can message me and ask. It’s not a problem at all)

As I walked away from him, a part of me hoped to hear some kind of regret in his voice or anything at all, even. Instead, I heard nothing. He was silent. Maybe I had to do what everyone had been telling me to do all along: let him go. In my heart, I knew what would have been best for me. I knew that I would have been safer and filled with less grief if I let him go and went to Midgard to be with the Avengers and her. I knew that she would undoubtedly fill the void in my heart that Loki left there, as she had been the one to fill it ever since he fell. Still, I felt responsible for him as well as the Nine Realms. I saw the damage he had done to the world we knew as our second home. His suit was black (the absence of light), gold (what had once been my favorite color), and green (his favorite color-the color of my eyes). He attacked the part of Midgard we had last been to together. It was a night of laughter and happiness for both of us and a memory that was now clouded with pain and darkness. He still used the daggers I had given to him before he left for a battle with Thor-a battle Thor talked the Allfather into keeping me out of, as I was still recovering from the last one.

A piece of me wondered if he had a reason. Maybe he truly didn’t care for me anymore, maybe he lied to me all those years, but for what? What did he have to gain from an orphan girl? He was a God, and I was just another Asgardian. There was nothing extraordinary about me. If he wanted to manipulate someone for so long, why wouldn’t he choose someone with more power? I had to believe that it was more than that. I had to believe that there was something else that I just wasn’t seeing clearly. He was still in there. The man I knew was still holding on and fighting back this new version of himself. I didn’t know what happened or what made him turn on me so quickly, but I had a few theories of my own. Perhaps he found out about my secret from Odin that day, but I still didn’t even know how Odin would know in the first place. Maybe he fell out of love with me quicker than I had ever anticipated he could. I didn’t understand, but it wasn’t for me to try to figure out in the middle of the night when I was still sick from the ale that evening.

I made my way up to the training grounds, casting the illusion just long enough to make it past the guards. Once my eyes were dried, I dropped the illusion, finally visible again. I lifted a dulled sword from the rack and walked over to one of the training dummies before taking out every ounce of anger, frustration, and pain on it. I didn’t need to build my skills with the sword anymore. However, I knew to practice regularly to stay nimble. Tonight, however, was simply to hit the dummy as hard as possible to make my muscles sore. I just wanted to make myself tired enough that I could fall asleep for the rest of my life, and if I couldn’t achieve that, I at least wanted to be tired enough that when I laid down in bed, I could fall asleep immediately. I didn’t want to think of his harsh words or the way he glared at me like it was my fault he fell in the first place. I didn’t want to think of the mistakes I had made or the grief I felt over the loss of a man who meant so much to me.

Listening to the loud crack as my sword hit the dummy over and over again helped drown out the sorrow in my heart and the voices in my head that were even more cruel than Loki could ever even hope to be. As I growled, I thought of every moment in my life that I felt anger, every moment I felt alone, every moment I felt weak. I thought of the night he told me he hated me, the fall, when I saw him on Midgard, when I left her, when Tony Stark shed a tear for me, when she cried. There were so many moments, but they all came rushing back as the wall I had built up to keep them away finally broke down and crumbled into nothing. Suddenly, I heard a loud crack and opened my eyes to see that my last swing of the sword had been too successful, as the blade lay broken on the ground.

“For a woman as peaceful as yourself, you sure like breaking swords when you’re angry,” Thor’s voice rang out from behind me.

I whipped around, surprised by his presence. I hadn’t heard him coming, and I certainly didn’t feel him because of my clouded thoughts. As soon as I looked at him, my mind quieted once more. He was a peaceful soul with eyes as deep as the oceans. He leaned against one of the pillars with his arms crossed over his chest. His robes cascaded over his broad shoulders, and he wore a slight grin upon his lips. I shook my head, dropping the handle of the sword, which would be of no more use, “I apologize if I woke you,” I murmured, attempting to walk past him. I was in no mood for speaking as my frustration had not been washed away completely.

He caught my arm before I could pass him, and as my chest continued to heave, he spoke, “you did not wake me, Lady Eva. I figured that after you visited Loki, you would come here,” he said, hinting at the fact that he already knew what I had been up to that night. My mouth gaped open as I searched for any possible explanation other than the one he proposed. Before I could lie, he continued, “my brother has been playing tricks on me since we were children. Do you not think I can tell? Plus, I’ve known you since we were children, and I knew you would go down to see him at some point,” he shrugged.

“I had to. You can be mad, you can tell the Allfather, you can do whatever you need to do, and I won’t be upset. All I ask is that you continue fighting for him the way I have,” I said, straightening my shoulders, “I will accept whatever punishment my King sees fit.”

“Your King will never know,” Thor replied in a hushed but stern voice, “I will not be speaking a word of this to my father. You did what needed to be done, something he doesn’t believe is worth the time or energy. You’ve looked out for my brother since we were kids, and I would’ve been ignorant to believe that you would just stop because of what happened on Midgard. You still see the good in him, and I admire that because I still love him just as much as you do,” he added, “how was he?”

I stepped back over to him, and he released my arm from his grasp. I motioned around the training grounds, “well, I’m out here, so it didn’t go as well as I had anticipated. He’s still hurting, and it continues to break my heart every time I see him. I can feel his pain just as I could before, but it’s amplified.I just don’t know if I can keep doing this to myself, Thor. I don’t know if I can keep trying to save someone who doesn’t want to be saved. It would kill me to abandon him like this. His mind is chaos. He needs a moment of clarity, of peace, but...maybe I can’t give that to him,” I answered the best way I could.

“Who better to show him that moment of clarity than you?” he asked, gazing down at me with eyes that shined like the sun on my darkest day. While every other love I felt paled in comparison to that which I shared with Loki, Thor brought something else into my life, something more beautiful than life itself. He reminded me that life was not about power or status, it was about living. He had a love for all living things that matched my own, and I loved him all the more for it. Thor never pushed me away, “you have done so much for him, Eva. You may not think you’ve done enough, but you’ve done more than everyone else put together. You have sacrificed more than anyone else. All I know is that you need to take fate into your own hands sometimes. Maybe you find that you don’t want to wait for cooperation from Loki or the Allfather. All I know is that you have allowed others to control your destiny for too long, and it’s time for you to take your control back,” he added, “and if you need to talk or cry or scream, you know that I’m always here.”

My eyes filled up with tears, and I pushed them back, having cried more than enough over the situation. It felt like I couldn’t stop since the fall. It was that moment that I made the promise to myself: I would be weak no longer. I would weep over my situation no longer. I could mourn for the man Loki once was or give him no other option other than to accept my help. As my chest continued to heave due to the unchecked frustration, I grabbed the back of Thor’s neck and attacked his lips with my own. It was the only thing that felt right. It only lasted for a second before the shock forced him away from me, and he held me at a short distance. He cleared his throat, color filling his cheeks, “why did-what are you...we can’t do this when you’re still a bit drunk, Eva. I don’t know if this is you or the ale from earlier, but...you aren’t in the right state of mind for this right now,” he noted, chuckling to lighten the mood.

“Does that really matter anymore?” I asked, closing the space between us once more, and he allowed me, “I want this. Do you want this?” I asked, gazing up into his eyes.

He sighed, “you know I do, and you know I’ve wanted this for a long time. There’s a reason I haven’t done anything since we were young, though, Eva. You belong with Loki, and I don’t want to get in the way of that. I love both of you too much to ruin what you have,” he whispered, his arm snaking around my waist, telling a very different story than the one spilling from his lips.

“What do you think you would be ruining? The rubble of our love? Do you think you can shatter heart we shared anymore? Could you kill a flower that was already dead?” I asked, realizing that, while I loved Loki more than life itself, he loved me no longer, “I will love your brother until the day I die, but he has hurt me so much, I think I deserve a moment of happiness. I deserve to remember the sweetness of love, which is something I have forgotten the taste of for so long. Remind me...please,” I begged, grasping onto his robes in a desperate attempt to let him know that I would not hold anything against him.

He searched my eyes for any hesitation that could have been lingering there, but he found none. He found only loneliness and grief. Perhaps he felt sorry for me, or perhaps he was giving into urges that had lain dormant since our childhood. Either way, he kissed me. I threw my arms around his neck as he lifted me off the ground. I wrapped my legs around his waist, grunting lightly when he pressed me against the pillar he had been leaning on only moments ago. His lips were smoother than I had remembered them, and I could feel the areas he bit when he was nervous. As his left hand grasped my thigh, offering me an extra level of support aside from the pillar, his right hand steadied my face as he kissed me with more passion than I’d ever anticipated.

To my disapproval, his lips departed from mine, and he began to sprinkle kisses along my jaw and down to my neck, a place Loki always loved. As I squeezed my eyes shut, I forced the thought of him from my mind and focused on Thor. When he grazed his teeth against my neck, I arched my body into his, feeling a shiver run through me. As I arched into him, his arms wrapped around my body, squeezing me against him hard enough for me to feel every muscle and every crease even through the clothes. For the first time in such a long time, I felt small in someone’s arms. Aaldir, Hjalmar, and Loki always made me feel that way, like I never needed to worry when they were around. However, she had the opposite effect on me. I was the one to make her feel small, the one to protect her. Ever since her, I had not felt like the small one until now.

With one arm still draped over his shoulder, balancing myself, I grabbed his face with my other hand and turned his head so that he was looking into my eyes. I saw joy and desire and so much anticipation. I pressed my lips to his once more before pulling away and trailing kisses along his defined jaw and down to his neck. His hold on me tightened as I ran my lips along a sensitive spot. As I kissed him, he walked us down the hallway toward his chambers. He opened the doors with his back and shut them with his foot. When we were finally in the comfort of his room, he peeled me off of him and pushed me down onto the bed. I chewed on my bottom lip and laughed as his eyes scanned over my body.

Before I could react or speak, he joined me on the bed, nestling his body between my legs and proceeding to kiss me once more. As soon as I felt his warmth, Loki’s face flashed behind my closed eyes. I tried to blink away the tears in my eyes, but it was like he could feel my hesitance. He pulled away from the kisses and pushed himself off of me in an attempt to figure out where he had gone wrong. I shook my head, trying to collect myself, but I was failing miserably. The promise I made to myself such a short time ago was already being broken as I began to cry, “I’m sorry, Thor. I’m sorry,” I broke down, hiding my face in my hands. I felt so much guilt in that moment, so much anger at myself for being so stupid as to believe that I could just replace the love I received from Loki.

As soon as I began to cry, Thor crawled over to me and wrapped me up in his strong arms, “I know that you don’t want to hear this right now, but as your friend, I need to say it,” he stated as my body quivered and trembled in the arms of the man I wished I was meant to be with. If I was destined to be with Thor, my life would have been so much easier because he would have loved me from the very beginning until the very end. I wouldn’t have felt this pain. Maybe I was just cursed, though. Maybe it was my fault that Loki was hurt the way he was. Maybe I was at the center of his pain. Before my mind could continue down the darkened trail any further, Thor spoke, “I love you, Eva. I have loved you since before I can remember, and I’ve never stopped loving you. For a long time, I wished that you chose me instead of Loki. I wished that you would find happiness with me, but I always knew that you two were meant for each other. Even though it kills me to say it, you and I don’t belong together. You belong with Loki. You always have. And I can’t let my love for you ruin your relationship anymore than it already has,” he said, grief clear in his deep voice.

I shook my head, wiping my tears away as I found the strength to gaze up at him, “you didn’t ruin our relationship, Thor. You had nothing to do with this,” I murmured.

He sighed, “there’s something I need to tell you.”

*Thor’s POV*

I had been more surprised that she stayed after I told her the story of that day, more surprised than I was that she didn’t try to hit me. Instead, we shed tears together, and I sat with her until she fell asleep. After I told her what happened and apologized profusely, she lessened my guilt by being adamant about how it wasn’t my fault. Still, I could see the pain the truth brought her. She was heartbroken, and she went to sleep that way. A piece of me wished I had kept it from her, but it had been two years of her questioning why Loki turned his back on her, and I knew the truth.

Unable to sleep, I found myself with Heimdall in the Bifrost. Though even looking at the Bifrost brought Eva a sense of misery, she spent much time in the very spot I was standing, and I knew that it was because the her fear and sadness over that fateful day paled in comparison to love she had for the Midgardians and...her. She asked about them often, and Heimdall would always fill her in on the health and well-being of each of them. She was always the most concerned about Tony, the two of them having a special connection that I could not understand. Steve also held a special place in her heart, which I could understand much more. He was a soldier and always put the needs of everyone else above his own. He didn’t like to fight, but he did so that others could know peace. Eva did the same.

As I stood next to Heimdall, staring out at the stars, I felt his gaze shift over to me for a fraction of a second, “you told her,” he noted, clearly having cast his gaze upon us when he felt her distress. The two of them were connected the same way her and I were connected. It paled in comparison to Loki’s connection to her, but we could feel when something wasn’t quite right.

I nodded my head, “I didn’t know what else to do. I couldn’t keep it from her any longer. She deserved to know the truth,” I insisted, feeling guilty that I brought her to an even deeper level of grief but feeling hopeful that it would help her see the truth, that she had done nothing wrong, “she’s become far more destructive since Hjalmar’s death, and I sensed that she was spiraling. She’s lost so much. She blames herself for Hjalmar’s death, and she blames herself for Aaldir’s sorrow. She blames herself for Loki’s turn and believed it to have been her fault, like she could’ve stopped him from wreaking havoc on Midgard. She had every right to know the truth,” I added

“You are not wrong,” he stated, gazing back out at the stars, “she sacrificed so much for Loki, but I fear that she will now try even harder to free him, even if it means committing treason. She has no reason to show the Allfather anymore respect, for she now knows that he played a pivotal role in pushing your brother over the edge,” he added, and I gazed over at his solemn expression. He lowered his grief-stricken eyes, “I fear for her safety if she tries to disobey the orders of the King.”

“You have my word that I will do everything in my power to keep her from doing anything reckless, but she has never listened to me the way she listened to Hjalmar,” I said, thinking of one of my dearest friends, “how is he?” I asked, hoping for some words of comfort about Hjalmar’s new home in Valhalla.

Heimdall sighed, “I...cannot see him,” he confessed, hesitant to speak the words to me. I furrowed my eyebrows, confused as to how the gatekeeper and the guardian of the Nine Realms could lose track of someone. Before I could ask any questions, he turned his haunting gaze upon me, “I have searched for him, hoping to regale Eva with some stories of him when she came; however, I have not found him. I have searched every realm, every planet, every moon. I have searched the entirety of Valhalla, and I even looked for him in the Realm of the Dead. Still, I have found nothing,” he said, turning back to the stars, “I suggest keeping this between us for the time being. There is no need to put her through anymore pain right now,” he stated, strongly.

I nodded my head, “but what if she comes to you and asks about him?”

He frowned, the mere thought of it bringing a sour taste to his mouth, “then I will be forced to break the heart of a princess.”

*1 week later*

After another night spent watching over Eva and getting barely any sleep, I found myself standing beside my father, the man who was the cause of so much of her grief. She knew it now. She knew what he had done, and while I was surprised that she didn’t hate me for the role I had to play in Loki’s downfall, I was unsure of how generous she would be with my father. The two of us watched her as she practically danced around the training grounds with Sif and Ephinea. She hated fighting, but there was a side of her that came out when she fought that I had never seen before. She was skilled in battle the way no other man or woman could ever even hope to be. She blocked the attacks from each of the goddesses, and the two of them pulled no punches. Sif and Ephinea never went easy on Eva, so for Eva to hold her own against the Goddess of War and the Goddess of Strength, respectively, said so much about her skills.

As gracefully as she blocked what would have been a “finishing blow” from Ephinea, she began to take the offensive, swinging the dulled swords and moving like the ocean. I had gotten the chance to see her on the battlefield so many times throughout my life, and it always left me in awe. She had a plethora of her own weapons, many of which Aaldir had crafted for her or helped in the crafting process. He had given her two short swords that she used on occasion, and he also gave her the greatsword she used most of the time. Loki had gifted her a set of daggers, which were delicately crafted but stronger than anyone could anticipate due to their beauty. She danced around Sif and Ephinea, fighting both of them and successfully knocking them down and finishing them. After her success, she helped them back up onto their feet before starting again. I glanced over at my father, “she has grown far more skilled in the art of battle than even you could have anticipated,” I smiled, gesturing to her.

He nodded, a faint smile tugging at his lips underneath his beard, “if this is how you plan to sway my mind on the matters she has brought up time and again, it will not work,” he reminded me.

I shrugged my shoulders, “it wasn’t my intention, but it would’ve been nice,” I stated, gazing upon the girl who was so strong but so broken, “she has a point, you know...about Loki,” I murmured, wanting my words to be between us. I watched as his eyebrows raised in shock, which was understandable as I had always been fairly quiet on the matter, never explicitly taking anyone’s side, “I don’t believe you to be delusional, which is why I think you know-as well as she does-that Loki doesn’t belong in the dungeons. He is far more dangerous around people who think like him. His mind was corrupted far more after he fell. Even if we could get him back to the way he was before, when he was only trying to take over the throne, instead of killing hundreds of innocent people on Midgard, it would be better than leaving him down there,” I explained, hoping that he would listen to me with an open heart and open mind, unlike when he listened to Eva make the same case about Loki.

He gazed over at me, the icy blue eye as solemn as ever, “so, you are proposing the same thing? I release Loki into Eva’s care, knowing that he is a weakness for her? Knowing that she could never do what needed to be done if it came to it?” he asked, “I simply implore you to think through every scenario,” he added, sensing that he had offended me.

I narrowed my eyes at him, knowing that he was not completely sincere, “no, you are asking me to doubt her. You are asking me to trust her less, but you don’t know her the way I do. You didn’t see her on Midgard the way I saw her. You have no idea what she has done-the sacrifices she has made-for the good of the Nine Realms, for the good of Asgard. You don’t see what she has given up, but I have,” I growled under my breath, angry that he would try to plant the seed of doubt in my mind.

He shook his head, “I do not wish for you to doubt her, but I do wish for you to look at this from a place of objectivity. If you did, you would have the same doubts I do,” he replied, a voice as calm as the breeze that morning.

“I can look at this objectively, and that’s why I believe she could take on this task. While we cannot go back and rewrite the past, she can turn the tides in our favor. If she were somehow able to turn Loki back to our side, think of what our strength could be with an ally like him! We would be much stronger with him as our ally than with him as our enemy,” I exclaimed, gesturing out at her, “look at her, Father! Truly see her for what she is! She’s no goddess, but she possesses the same skills as one. I don’t think this is coincidence. I truly believe that she is meant to be much more than another Asgardian woman.”

“You have much to learn about her, my son,” he frowned, trying to force a smile and failing. I watched as the look in his eye became distant, like he was revisiting a memory that brought him pain. He tried to push it away, but it lingered there.

I shook my head, “I know all there is to know about her. I know her better than I know myself most of the time,” I chuckled, gazing out at the woman I was in love with. For a long time, I fancied Ephinea and Sif. The two women were stronger than anyone gave them credit for, but I couldn’t talk to them the same way I could talk to Eva. Eva was just...special. I knew every little thing about her, even though I was sure my brother knew far more, things I couldn’t even imagine. I glanced back up at my father, “there’s nothing I don’t know,” I assured him, thinking of the many secrets she had hidden from him, secrets he would never even know.

“There is so much you don’t know about her, so much that you need to know,” he said, a sad smile spreading across his lips as he gazed out at her once more before stepping away from the railing and turning to face down the hallway, “walk with me and learn,” he motioned, and I obeyed, falling in step with him and casting one final glance back at Eva. Once we were far enough away from the prying eyes and ears of everyone else, he began speaking, slowing his pace, “before you or I, before my father and his father before him, Asgard was created. Where once there had been nothing, we received a land of beauty, peace, and salvation. This was the place where the Asgardians could call home, a place that was more beautiful and rich with life than any other, and we took it all for granted,” he explained.

“The land began to dry up. Where there had once been lush forests and beautiful mountains in the distance, it was barren. The Asgardians who lived her long ago took from the world but never thought to give back. They built this city upon her natural beauty, hiding the plentiful gifts she bore to them. The creeks and streams began to dry up. People believed that it was the world’s way of grieving. She had always provided for them, always gave more of herself than they could possibly take, but they did not rejoice as their ancestors once did. They took the gift of life for granted, and they took this realm for granted. They did not thank the world for her blessings, and they did not live their lives the way we were meant to,” he continued.

“The drought of the world continued. Food was more difficult to come by, and we were running out of fresh water. We began sending people to various realms to acquire what we needed and bring it back here. We had already stripped our world of all she had to offer, and we were doing the same with as many others as possible. Life was dwindling, and we were unsure about the future of Asgard,” he said before letting out a long sigh. When I cast my eyes over to his face, I saw that he was reliving a memory that haunted him, and a sadness came over him that I hadn’t seen before, “I had an older brother growing up, a man I’ve never spoken about, a man no one speaks of anymore,” he confessed.

I furrowed my eyebrows, wondering how it could be that an entire piece of Asgard’s history was lost to me, “I forbid his name to be spoken, and there are not many who remember him, not the way I do,” he frowned, “Cul was older, stronger, and much more capable than I was. He believed himself to be the rightful King of Asgard, and when my father-your grandfather-died, Cul took the throne for himself. My father had groomed me to take his place after he died, but my brothers and I allowed Cul to rule because of his promise to keep us as his close advisors, a promise he broke shortly after his coronation. He picked from a group of his loyal followers to be his advisors. It wasn’t until he took the throne that we saw just how twisted he was, how his desire to rule festered into a madness we had never seen before.”

As we walked into the throne room, he stopped and stared up at the golden throne for a long moment, “he ordered that we strip the other planets of their resources, and if we were met with hesitation, we were to take the resources by force. He wanted to make it clear that no one would stand in his way. A part of me wants to believe that he had good intentions, that he wanted to show the Nine Realms that Asgard was still a powerful seat. However, the more he took from other planets, the faster ours was dying, so my brothers and I did what needed to be done. We stopped him,” he said, frowning at the memory. I could tell that it brought him so much pain even recalling it, so I couldn’t imagine the pain he went through when he lived it so long ago, “there was a bloodbath in this throne room. My younger brothers fell that day along with so many others, and it came down to just Cul and I. He had sent his followers away to spare their lives because he knew I wouldn’t kill him, that I would spare his life because of the ancient rules, rules he never followed but rules I couldn’t break,” he explained, glancing back over at me.

I furrowed my eyebrows, “but you broke them on that day?” I guessed, hoping it to be true.

He shook his head, a few strands of white hair falling out of place, “I couldn’t, and it wasn’t because of the ancient rules. I couldn’t kill him because he was my brother, he wasn’t the King of Asgard, not to me. I couldn’t kill him because I could still remember running around the palace with him and getting in trouble for fooling around for too long when I should have been studying battle techniques. Instead, I banished him to the Realm of Death, hoping that Death would be able to do to him what I could not bring myself to do. It was where he belonged. He delivered so many souls to Death that day alone that he deserved to face them all once more,” he said, glancing back over at the throne and narrowing his eyes, “but if I could go back with the knowledge I have now, I would have killed him when I had the chance because-”

Before he could explain his reasoning, a booming voice caused the entirety of Asgard to quake beneath our feet. It was the first time in my life I saw pure fear in my father’s eyes, “Odin!”

*Eva’s POV*

I stood in the courtyard that overlooked the Rainbow Bridge. Thor and Odin stood side-by-side in front of Sif, Ephinea, Fandral, Hogun, Volstagg, and I. Behind us were members of Odin’s kingsguard. While I had not wished to even wake up at all that week-let alone see the Allfather-I stood there out of the love I had for Asgard and my willingness to protect the people from any intruder, including the one that stood before us with his battleaxe strapped to his back. He stood the same height as Hjalmar once did, only slightly taller than the God of Thunder himself. The man before us all held himself like a King with his shoulder straightened and his head held high. He looked massive, like he was a force to be reckoned with. I had never met him, but he looked so oddly familiar to me, like a face I had seen only once before.

Dark brown hair that matched his short beard fell in waves nearly as long as mine, but he pulled the strands from his face and fastened them behind his head to see clearly. Even from our distance, I could see myself clearly in his piercing green eyes. Those eyes were filled with so much anger, so much hatred, but they were still so beautiful and pure...a green that matched the colors of spring. My breath hitched in my throat, and it felt like I was going to suffocate. I knew those eyes. I knew them from somewhere, and when he spoke, I began trembling with unchecked fear, “I am Ezra, son of Cul, and I have been sent here by my father, Cul, son of Bor, the rightful heir to the throne of Asgard. I have been instructed to deliver a message to the usurper, your false king,” he spat out, grimacing at Odin. I was shocked by his words, unsure whether or not they were truthful. I had never heard of Odin having any brothers aside from Vili and Ve, and neither of them had any children of their own. It was clear by the looks on the faces of my comrades that I was not the only one who was confused by his claims.

Even if he did, Odin was our King, and for an outsider to show up in Asgard and insult the throne, it was unacceptable. While I was angry at Odin for justifiable reasons, I did not hate him, and I would still fight to protect Asgard and her people. As I made a motion to step forward, Ephinea put out her hand to hold me back. When I tried to pass her still, she grabbed my arm, making her movements as small and unnoticeable as possible to keep from gaining the attention of the the outsider. She gave my wrist a gentle squeeze, trying to remind me without words that this wasn’t the right time. The small motions still pulled the attention of Ezra, and he glanced over at me in particular. His green eyes scanned over my body, and he smirked, “you’re just itching to kill me, aren’t you?” he asked before glancing back at Odin, “I see why you keep some of your best warriors chained up in the dungeons-like your son. It must be terrifying to have this one roaming around,” he said, gesturing to me.

A fury erupted in my chest as he mentioned Loki. I gritted my teeth, my chest continuing to rise and fall at an alarming rate. Still, I remained silent, not wishing to escalate the situation. Odin spoke up, “did you come here to discuss the population of Asgard’s dungeons, or do you have another motive?” he asked, cocking an eyebrow with a mischievous grin. He was pulling a page out of Loki’s book, smiling in the face of danger. It was one of the things that made me love Loki even more, and it made me see Odin as so much more than I had been willing to in the past. In that moment, he became so much more three-dimensional than ever before. While he had forsaken Loki in the past and made his own mistakes, there was a piece of him that still loved the young trickster. When I saw him find his confidence the way Loki did, it made me think of the impact Loki’s actions must’ve had on the Allfather. While I wished to speak with Odin about it, I knew that this was neither the time nor the place for such discussions.

Ezra cast one more glance over at me with a smirk that made me sick to my stomach, but he turned his attention back to Odin when I grimaced at him, “my father sent me with his demands. In his exile, he has been building allegiances with many people within the Nine Realms and beyond, and I can assure you that none of them are particularly fond of Asgard. They would be willing and able to tear Asgard apart at my father’s command, but he is willing to go about this peacefully,” Ezra stated in a menacing tone.

“And what does Cul want in return for his promise of peace?” Odin inquired.

Ezra chuckled, stepping forward, “he wants the throne back, the throne you stole from him,” he growled, pointing a finger at the Allfather, “he demands you hand over the throne of Asgard, and in return, you will be exiled to the Realm of Death just like you did to him. As I see it, you have two options: you can surrender and meet his demands, which will lead to a peaceful life for your people; or, you can resist, which will lead to our return and the subsequent bloodbath that will take place. Either way, we will take the throne of Asgard, but your decision could save thousands,” Ezra said, offering Odin the ultimatum as if he was in any position to do that. He came to Asgard with no supporters behind him and threatened a King with the entire Asgardian army at his disposal.

Odin smiled at the man in front of him, and I saw the condescending undertones, causing me to smile as well. While I harbored some ill will toward him upon recent news, I could not bring myself to hate him or declare that he was a poor king. He held himself with strength and dignity, which was something that would not work in the strangers favor, “you forget the third option,” he smirked, and Ezra cocked his head, clenching his fists, “it’s where I let your armies come, and I defeat Cul just like I did all those years ago. I had no problem doing it then, and I won’t fail now. You do not look for peace, but I pity you if you try to fight us. We know much about what must be sacrificed to maintain peace, and I do not wish for a war. However, I will do what needs to be done should your father attempt to wage a war against Asgard and her allies,” he explained, “so, you can tell my brother that his proposition was met with resistance.”

Ezra chuckled, stepping even closer to Odin. As soon as he was too close, the entire army behind us drew their weapons, but Odin raised a hand, wishing to entertain the boy for even longer. I listened to the warriors lower their weapons, but they did not put them back in the sheathe. I glanced down at Thor’s hands that were balled up in fists. Ezra leaned in close to Odin and spoke, “well, I came here for your surrender, and I’m not about to leave empty-handed,” he murmured before stepping away from the two of them and pointing at me. Once more, his eyes trailed along every piece of my body before locking eyes with me, “I’ll take that one,” he dictated, closing the space between the two of us.

Before he could stand directly in front of me, Ephinea stepped between the two of us, “try to take her, and I will rip you in half with my bare hands,” she threatened, rage clear in her voice. She had always been like an older sister to me, so it didn’t surprise me that she would react like that to someone who was threatening my safety.

Ezra glanced over at her but then back at me, “call off your dog, pet,” he instructed, cocking his head to the side with a smile filled with false admiration.

I scowled at the nickname he decided to give me, and I felt a chill run down my spine at the thought that I could be traded off to ensure peace, even if that peace would be short-lived. Odin’s stunned silence was not helping ease my troubled thoughts, but I had to act with strength and grace just as I always tried to, just as my father taught me all my life. I raised my hand and rested it upon Ephinea’s shoulder as I stepped out from behind her. She gazed over at me, horrified and flustered because of my actions. She had no idea what I was planning to do or why I was planning to do it, but I offered her a short glance that I hoped would set her mind at ease. When I stepped between her and Ezra, he didn’t break eye contact with me. He smirked, one of his eyes twitching ever so slightly as he narrowed them at me.

He searched my eyes-for what, I didn’t know-and when he didn’t find what he was looking for, he grabbed my chin and brought his face impossibly closer to mine, “tell me, what is it you want, pet? Do you wish for acceptance? Strength? Power? A real family? A place where you belong?” he asked, “I’m sorry to break your heart, but you won’t find any of that here, not with the current ruler. And, what about Loki? I’m sure you want him back, too, don’t you?” he asked, causing my breath to hitch in my throat. How did Ezra know about Loki? How did he know about my deepest desires? As I stared up at him with wide eyes, terrified that he was able to pick me apart so easily. He raised his eyebrows, sympathy crossing over his face, “you have so much to learn, beautiful, and if you cooperate, we’ll give you the answers you seek and the opportunity to live out the rest of your life with Loki,” he murmured before grabbing a fistful of my hair and pulling me even closer to him, “but should you fail, I will find your girl on Midgard and tear her apart in front of you just for fun!” he growled, my heart twisting and shattering into a million pieces before he pushed me down onto the ground.

“THAT’S ENOUGH!” Thor’s loud voice boomed, almost like thunder itself. I could barely think of anything aside from Ezra’s threat. I was paralyzed with fear at the very idea that enemies of Asgard knew about her, that they could use her against me. Thor spoke as I tried to collect myself, “you are sorely mistaken if you think we’ll just hand her over to you. Now, we have entertained this madness for long enough. If you try to take her, you will not live to see another sunrise,” Thor promised, glancing down at me and nodding his head. I knew that I would have nothing to fear with Thor by my side. Even if Odin, for some reason, wanted to send me away, Thor would betray his father just to keep me safe.

Ezra chuckled again, laughing in the face of the God of Thunder, “I haven’t seen a sunrise in nearly 300 years,” he confessed, and a piece of my heart broke for him. I couldn’t help but see small pieces of Loki in him, the anger, the pain, the hate. I had nothing to compare Ezra to, though. I knew the man Loki used to be, so I knew that pieces of him were still alive. Still, everyone could be saved, and that included the enemies of Asgard. Ezra continued, “no matter! I’m used to taking what I want by any means necessary, and I don’t lose,” he said before unsheathing his axe in one swift motion and swinging it down toward Thor.

In the split second it took Ezra to begin the attack, I jumped up to my feet and drew Hellbreaker, one of the many swords my father had helped forge for me. Right before his blade could graze my prince, I stepped in front of it, catching the handle of his battleaxe with the blade of my sword and stopping him from hurting Thor. His eyes widened in clear astonishment. I was sure someone like him didn’t anticipate anything extraordinary, especially not from the person he nicknamed “pet” only moments prior. I pushed him away from the Thor and I, “you don’t lose?” I asked, grinning up at the intruder, “well, neither do I!”

[musubiki]

Hc about conflictedshipping visiting another region? Sinnoh maybe???? Love your work ❤️!!!

hoOOOOOOO BOI LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THEIR TRIP TO KALOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

➞

im making it MANDATORY THAT THEY TOOK A SEMESTER ABROAD IN KALOS DURING THEIR TRAINERS SCHOOL TIME

(also this is where that one line of diaglouge in xy comes from. that one chick who tells you that green was there studying and only ever said smell ya later)

i was thinkin about giving them pokemon for this trip but. i think its better if their first pokemon come from prof oak later.

(gd i wish pom and vee were here for this that wouldve been amazing)

when they first got there leaf was worried that he was irritated he had to spend the whole semester with her there. he kinda scoffed and smirked at her and said something like “Are you kidding? I’d be angrier if you DIDN’T get the scholarship.” cuz they’re rivals. and he expects no less from her. he tells her something like its bad for his image if his rival isnt as good as him. he’s actually kinda happy that she’s there with him and he’s not gonna be all alone. 

this actually makes leaf really happy and kind of. sets the mood for the whole trip there

so they end up staying with this older couple who live in the heart of lumiose city and usually house the students every year. ofc they’re thrilled tho have leaf and green there. the wife owns a bakery/cafe and the husband works at the docks down in coumarine city. as a condition of them staying there, leaf helps with the bakery and green helps at the docks

when they first go there. they find out that. the kalos school doesnt require uniforms and theyre both kind of “???? so you just wear whatever??” greens perf fine with this but leafs kind worried bc she didnt bring THAT much clothes, so the couple takes both her and green shopping for kalos-style clothes. this is where leaf gets this outfit from and she LOVES IT shes adorable i love her so much

when green first sees her in it hes a little surprised because WOW what. “shes actually. kind of ok looking.” hes blushing shut up you idiot 

so they get to their new school and everyone intrigued by them oooo new transfer students whaaaat??? green right off the bat is all confident and doing his usual thing. winks at like 3 girls and they’re all fawning over him first thing.

but the school is very welcoming to them!! they get a lot of transfer student from all over the place so they have a lot of different people from different places!!

they actually have a pretty good time. a lot of the kids from school drop by the bakery just to. see leaf. same with the girls for green and business is good. amen. the couple is actually shook because they have so many profits

on weekends they get to go see kalos!!! its pretty.,. nice actually like esp traveling to like cyllage and laverre and anistar(leaf loves anistar city) 

and green is actually really enjoying theyre time there. it kind of feels like.,. dates.,. kind of.,. and he never voices it and STILL ACTS LIKE A JERK BUt.,. spending time with her here in kalos is actually kinda cool,,. we should do this more often, he thinks

they go to all the little cafes and explore that big mansion with the gardens, they actually get to go rollar skating around a couple times and ride gogoats like they live kalos life to the fullest

sometimes when they study at night he goes to her room and just chills with her on her bed (she has a huge bed and it’s really comfortable compared to his). they take turns reading the material out loud and leaf. really likes it when he reads she just lays there and stares at him and he. has a great voice shes dying a little here guys //

leaf always felt a little bit homesick. once when they were chilling in her bed she asked green if he missed home. he kinda sat there for a bit before answering with a “no, not really. it’s actually kind of nice to get away from everyone. there no real pressure to be anyone or do anything.” 

she wasnt exaclty sure what he meant but lowkey. he was actually talking. about her and him. because in kanto they’ve been rivals for so long it’d be weird to hang out with her and go see places like they do there. but no one in kalos really know them so hes just.,. ehuhhhhhh i dont wanna go home

okay ANOTHER THING THAT HAPPENED IN KALOS WAS THIS: at some point, one of the students at their school fell desperately in love with leaf and she. didn’t even like him at all. like he was just some persistent rich creep so yes. im doing this. no one can stop me. to get him to give up she asked green to pretend to be her boyfriend for like. a day or two just so he’d leave her alone. 

OFC GREENS LIKE SMIRKING THE WHOLE TIME SHES ASKING HIM THIS AND SHES BLUSHING AND EMBARRASSED BUT SHES TRIED EVERYTHING ELSE. 

greens actually a little irritated by this and is kinda ehh at first because. he doesnt wanna fool around and then actually catch feelings by accident (he doesn’t want to temp god like this hes already enjoying their time together) 

but shes. desperate and so after a few more pleads he.,. agrees and she kind of feels bad. so she apologizes for dragging him into this and then. she asks him “Can…can you handle it?” she didn’t mean it as an insult or anything she MEANT ARE YOU COMFORTABLE ENOUGH TO DO IT

but what HE HEARD was a CHALLENGE so he just. stops. and turns to her. and he grabs her by her waist and pulls her REAL close to him and leans in and just “Can you?” with the widest smirk and like. the sexiest voice. and she just becomes this blushing terrible mess and shes stammering over all her words and he just fokijnff laughs because god. this is gonna be fun. 

fhjkf this is horrible okay so. the next day at school ofc hes true to his word so here we go. they pretend like theyre going out. and its the biggest scoop of the whole place. girls are crying, teachers are shocked. in the distance, sirens.

green is a pro at this bc he teases her enough as is, now he just needs to take it a little further and he’s actually enjoying the reactions he’s getting from her. like he can fuckin gently grab her hand and she turns into a mess like why did i ask him to do this i am an idiot

when they get home that night green is just laughing his ass off because she., is terrible at this and he cant believe it. she makes up some excuse and after some banter and making fun of her, green tells her that if she really wants this to look convincing, she gotta get better control over it. hes smirking the whole time. so she gets even more flustered and asks if he has any great ideas, to which he replies yes.

lets practice, he says. and she if confused and honestly a little scared. she asks how and he actually. sighs and sits down in front of her and for once, is actually smiling instead of smirking. so he adds a “Don’t freak out.” before,. gently taking her hands in his. 

shes trembling and takes a deep breath before lacing her fingers with his and this. actually turns into a nice kind of moment. the whole time hes watching her eyes. and he can see shes still nervous so he tells her. “How about we pretend like… we’re actually together for a while.” 

and shes blushing like hell because oh my god shes liked him for so long and this is so nice with him but it actually hurts a little that its not real

so he,. slips his hands around her waist and pulls close and presses her against him and slowly nuzzles his nose in her hair 

and hes. actually kind of enjoying this. 

and this feeling boils in the pit of his stomach as his lungs fill with the scent of her hair and it sends shivers over his skin and he feels his hands tracing over the small of her back and the warmth of her body on his and through the foggy blurry haziness in his head the only thought that comes out is ‘Oh no.’

and then BAM one of their caretakers slams the door open with a “Hey kids, dinner is ready!” and green IMMEDATLY grabs her arms and pushes her away and his face his red. She responds with a shocked quiet “Oh, I hope I wasn’t inturrupting-” 

and they BOTH CUT HER OFF STAMMERING AND STUTTERING WITH “No it wasn’t what it looks like-!” “We were just- uh- practicing-!” “FOR THE SCHOOL DRAMA COMING UP-” “YEAH-” and shes just. giggling and a little surprised with an “Oh! Could’ve fooled me!” before she leaves. 

and green and leaf are just standing there in awkward silence and leaf is rubbing her arm while green is rubbing the back of his neck and she leaves with a brisk “I-I think we should go get dinner-” before they both go downstairs

the next day it turns out that rich creep was too heartbroken from seeing her with green the day before that he transfered schools entirely, so oh, I guess we don’t need to keep up the act anymore, and green answers with a yeah, cool, and ignores the small feelings of disapointment and covers it up by going back to his usual snarky self 

he forces himself not to think about this for a long time because he doesnt wanna get caught up in the feels. Leaf, however, thinks about it all the time because it was really nice, but green doesnt bring it up and they were just pretending anyway hes just used to being a flirt it wasnt a big deal for him

(it was)

that was the first time theyd ever been that close and also. the last time until saffron

they have a lot of adventures here that i cant. fit it all here but they had a really good time

[baebranding]

So I changed the name again lol

So I havent really kept up with the journal like I promised. Oops.

But man life. Life is wild. You think youre scared of your present? Wait til you start considering shit you didnt think about before? Like getting a house or immortality. Im trying to wrap my head around the fact that I am 27 years old.

Just a year ago I almost forgot what day my bday was . And I guess in the midst of cancer and evictions, I was almost immediately reminded. This year im now facing a even bigger task than getting my car back: womanhood.

Now I dont mean I just got my period. I mean, I have to learn to be able to cook seafood. I have to consider a mans mental health during my PMS episodes.

He has to meet my mom.

But lets take it a step forward. I dont even know how fertile I am and im officially traumatized by the idea of going thru a pregnancy again. Or what if I cant go to my Gma anymore ?? I often wonder what life would be like if I felt like I could live to live and not live to survive . I probably wouldve spent more time learning how to properly do my hair or probably doing taxes. Who knows.

Sometimes to pull myself out of this self inflicted fear , I often times remind myself, or rather ask myself..

“How many other woman are struggling with coming into their role in society as a woman?

A provider, a mother, a business holder, and grandmother?

We big ourselves up about being a mother or the head honcho but you realize this means you hold the power to create a long lasting legacy ? You will be in charge of molding another person to carry on in your name . My mom had to show me what life is like without my father to guide me . Of course I became bi but I think we have worst issues than me trying to find another woman for my household.

Or, heres a thought: how my womanhood affects the one person who lays beside me each night and leaves me with no blankets in the morning:

My man.

Its so weird because I remember imagining how life would be with a man at home. When I thought I had the answer..

Yall know how that went .

But I didnt realize that we as females spend so much time on men but not in the areas that need us most. Hows his heart? Hows his finances? Is he on track to building his goals ? How is he with his family ? And so on and so forth. When that man comes home, he needs peace. Besides his mom, the world is constantly telling him to be a man. He is not to cry or rest. He is not to be vulnerable. Imagine how you felt as a kid when your parent would say “keep crying. Ima give you something to cry about.” And what did you do ? Shut right the hell on up right ?

Now live you life like that. Tell me youre still okay.

This is how infidelity happens. This is how broken homes happen. Whens the last time you sat with a man and asked him what a happy home means to him without any regards for how you may feel in response? Im bot saying build him a castle, but atleast make him feel like he’s already in one. And what does this have to do with my titties growing more ?

You can learn so much about your “Devine feminine” from a man. My man chilled me out so much . He became my safe space. He reminds me of my place in the world as a woman because he allows me to be just that , a woman. That dont mean he says “ you cook a clean” . This meant ima love you while you are healing and breaking down. You arent failing but heres what can help. Youre allowed to feel the way you feel. Its normal…

This means you can be the cause of the end of the world and ima love you still . Because the woman is always right. We arent but he knows the “rules”.

As a woman, we constantly feel the weight of the world on us at every waking second. Do you know what you can do when you know you have someone to fall back on. I know all to well of the sinking feeling I used to get feeling like im alone . It was the equivalent of feeling like I was running out of time. Like im running out of fucks to be completely honest and I hated that this was the person I was becoming. I didnt have answers . It took me a long time to come to terms with that. I spend so much time trying to figure it out day to day because as a woman we need to be together right ? Not I. I just kept running into walls that already had my blood on it. I kept reopening the same wombs trying to pull out any type of lesson or sense of familiarity from it. Nothing learned but I had to get something from it.

I constantly ran I these circles until I drove myself dizzy and drained. Shoes do run ragged with they are over worn. So I got a hotel room one night and did the only thing I could think to do just to feel one inch of life within me . I called on Lucifer . And I let him tell me everything I wanted to hear. I let him suck me in again and like I always did, I believed he would make it all better . I was left with nothing but south park blaring on the tv and a hotel bed in obt. Nothing more. I had hit rock bottom.

its crazy to think i spent all this time running into the same walls when my man held the door open for me a long time ago, Its like god had to hurt me as much as much as he could to see that the wall will never crumble.  That same night i was down to my last dollar. My last will. my last nerve. I had to sit with myself in my car those few nights and reflect on everything i had done to get me to that point. It was what i didnt do. I didnt fight for me. I fought for band aids and quick fixes. I fought for everyone elses lives because it was like books i didnt want to finish. It was the closest thing to real because i couldnt figure it out for myself. i didnt have the tools anymore. i didnt know what love was anymore. So i could only chase what i knew would make sense to me at the time, a friend. 

He didnt judge me. He sat with me while I healed. He didnt give me a band aid. He let me bleed out on his doorstep and said he would help me clean up the mess. To not be embarrassed. He provided a safe haven. “Stay until you can fix you. Stay until you are well again.” I made of that what i could at the time. 

He became the strongest part of me. My heart. Babe if you ever come across this: you are the best part of life on Earth. Im in love with you. 

As a woman, we fall out. We spiral. We scream and fight and we always have to make a fuckin point. And face it, who would we been if we didnt? Thats what true womanhood is. Its about finding you and loving you. Life will happen along the way. This is where I am now. I still make mistakes. Sometimes i will go psycho lady crazy when i dont know what my next move is. I still lay in a pile of my own mess because I suck at making choices. Im so afraid of myself because of where ive been. 

Ladies, we are a hot mess. 

We are not always holding pink starbucks cups and taking lavish flights in some old man’s plane. We are not always instagram moms who dont hit there kids because the grass stays green all year. Sometimes, we are the ones who just want to walk bare foot because we been trying to hold our breathe in the club trying to appear perfect for some man who is waste deep in hennessy and discharge. We are wigless in the bodega beautiful .We are crying to sex in the city on our days of cool. We are 80 outfits with 70s rock blasting on the stereo when nobody is watching fun. We are the parts of us that keep from killing our men when they forget to fix the shower head loving. And we are someone locking the door behind you complete.

[nocturnalxnights]

Looking into 21

So it’s my 21st birthday today whooo

just makes me want to look back and write something about everything that has happened thus far

plus im procrastinating on hw eyy

a lot of this is going to sound really ungrateful but i promise that is not the intent

just words I want to get off my chest

Not a lot of people said happy birthday to me, and ngl it was kind of hurtful but at the same time it helps me realize who are the people who legit care or the people who notice the small things. Friends I thought would say something didn’t say shit and friends who I thought wouldn’t say anything still had something nice to say.

It’s pretty interesting, least to say

strangely a lot of my slo friends didnt even say anything to me or get me anything (okay i know this sounds really materialistic but for their birthdays i always got them really thoughtful gifts - they didn’t get me anything - but i am still grateful for their friendship...maybe it just sucks cuz it wasnt mutual, perhaps?)

Honestly today felt like a pretty normal day and it was just kind of like hmmm is this what it’s like to be an adult now? nothing to really look forward to other than drinking my heart out??? which is ironic bc I actually don’t like alcohol lol

Anyways, college is hard. keeping in touch with other people is hard.

it doesn’t help that I hate my school and its white dominance. i am literally ostracized because of my race but my friends here make the experience so much better

there are days where mental illness strikes me and i hate everything, from my friends to my life to everything around me, but i end up pushing myself back up

education is hard and i feel ashamed because i want to do so much better but life is so unfair and i want to do well to not disappoint my parents

three years in, i look back and i wish i found my college best friend. I thought I found that with a specific person but turns out they end up experiencing all the “college best friend moments” with their twin sibling, so it’s like third-wheeling but worse. so in the end I never found that true college best friend. it just feels awkward and weird because they’re basically doing everything that I wish I could be doing but I can’t since the position is already taken.

note to self: never room with twins.

not to say i am ungrateful for their friendship! i love her so much and she is one of my best friends but i can sadly say she is not the college best friend, since hers is her twin, and mine is - well non existent. 

relationships are rough. there have been so many ups and downs in mine and there are dark days where I just want to be alone forever but I am quickly reminded of the positives . it’s just a learning process, and sacrifices are always made

but sometimes it’s just so emotionally draining and it feels one-sided

maintaining friendships is a bitch. ive lost people so close to me, ones i used to call best friend, and i now realize they’ve just simply moved on from me and found better. otherwise they’d, you know, actually keep in touch with me, right? lol

i still care about them and their happiness, even if they don’t think about me, which is fine. 

sometimes i wish my high school friends back home were more social (like, a lot more, and sometimes less rude?) a lot of them moved on and found their college friends, and deep down i have to stop myself from being possessive because i dont want to lose any of them to new friends. I don’t want to be that selfish friend, but at times i am scared i’ll lose them.

because it definitely feels like i have lost them.

sometimes i still hold grudges against my old high school friends for things they did to me that really hurt. but they wouldn’t remember because it didn’t affect them personally like it did to me. Deep down, i will never forgive them.

not to say i wasn’t an angelic person in hs, i probably did awful things and it still haunts me at 3am in the morning as i lay in the dark and silence, wishing i could take it back. but nobody’s perfect

lately i lost someone i thought to be my best friend. they straight up ghosted me out of nowhere for no reason, and at first i was so sad that it happened. 

now im over it and i hope they find what they’re looking for. perhaps i was just the rebound friend because they’d always talk about one specific mutual friend between us.

in any case, losses hurt. but i will move on.

sometimes i look back and i wonder what wouldve happened if i chose not to go here. would i be better off? 

sometimes i wonder what would’ve happened if i had killed myself so many years ago, like i had always planned. I know i wouldn’t be standing here at least.

my mind is still fucked. you can never ever heal from mental illness ever. I seem better now but on the inside (and outside) the scars remain. sometimes the dark thoughts come back and fuck me up, making me say and think awful things

there are days where i wish i was nonexistent, because i dont want to exist and at that moment i dont care about anyone else including me. i am always so tired and exhausted and stressed

but 21 years, here i am now. i can only hope it will get better.

so here’s to 21.

also i doubt anyone read this but if you did congrats for making it this far and for caring enough to read haha

[ohkimani]

fuck it. anytime i talk to someone about this, they never take me seriously and im so sick of it. you say i can talk to you about anything that im feeling but im telling you this shit is really fucking me up and the most you can say is some shit like ‘wow sorry’ or ‘omg that’s crazy’ like i get it, sometimes you dont have shit to say but damn. or if i do start ot talk about it or something else with anyone, i get cut off because something else is more interesting or what ever you say is more interesting. this is why im always posting so much on this damn site because i cant get interrupted when im typing. this is why if i ever feel some type of way, i dont say anything until im t h i s close to killing myself because what’s the point anyway? what are you going to say to make me feel any better. what can i say to you to make you feel better. i feel like a failure of a person if i have to go to you about what i feel because now not only am i giving you my sadness and my deadweight (tainting your life, basically) but im also admitting to my own weakness and as a black young woman i cant afford to do that any more than i have in the last two years. so you know what? if this post is already too long for you then keep scrolling. otherwise, listen the fuck up because im gonna tell you how im pretty sure i have ruined my whole ass brain with some wacky shit.

*fstfwd to the part where im walking from the dorms to the track* 

at first im cool, you know? im really chilling like having a blast until suddenly i feel that like dehydrated feeling where everything gets bright af and im a little dizzy. so i take a pause on the brick wall next to the sidewalk. i think classes have just let out for the afternoon so a good amount of people are walking by me. i still feel that ‘i havent had any water all day but im gonna do this super hard workout’ feeling as im sitting on the wall. then i look at people, and theyre all looking directly back at me (in hindsight, they weren’t) but when i blink, they turn their heads in slow motion away from me. now im getting worried. so i stand up slowly and make my way further down the hill towards the track. now i only see three people....but i keep seeing the same three people. i cant feel my body at all anymore now. not in like a ‘numb’ way but more like, my being has become the air around my body instead of my body itself. im walking on a treadmill now but the treadmill is made out of the sidewalk ive been walking on. everything is passing me but ive been walking in place for what seems like centuries. the guy in the red shirt passes me a fourth time and this time i make eye contact. as i look at him, his head splits into two different heads and they start to twist around each other. i try to ignore it because i know that any sort of freak out will not end well, so i pretend it’s normal and keep walking. i’ve finally made it to the crosswalk somehow and the sun is beaming on my arms. the heat feels different. it feels more like my skin is just different where the sun is hitting it. so i look up at the sun and the sky starts turning purple. again, i act like it’s normal. the same guy who’s head just split into two is standing next to me now as the crosswalk light tells us the cross. now im walking down the hill, still on the treadmill while ‘confidently lost’ keeps playing in my earphones. i lose track of what i hear normally and what’s in the song which is why im confused when this girl (one of the only three people i kept seeing on my walk) comes up to my other shoulder. she looks like a normal student, brown hair in a ponytail with super duper green eyes. like vegetable green. i dont take my earphones out but she looks at me and says “well....this is it”. and she keeps walking in front of me. a few steps later i start thinking she means death. then i start freaking out as im processing that i died and im trapped on our campus for eternity, walking on the same treadmill forever. then i start thinking maybe im in some sort of coma and there is a world outside of the one im living in. i go along with this idea. everything starts moving slower though and it’s scaring me because i see every phase of the movements. i move my hand in front of my face and i see 10 of them go by until they turn into one. i keep doing this until the trees around the walkway start bending and twirling in my way. (anyone on the outside wouldve seen me climbing over nonexistent small fences). the song is still playing and it’s driving me crazy because i dont know if i actually hear birds chirping or not. after wrestling and climbing my way through trees, i find myself at the track. i look up and the sky is still purple but the track itself is starting to rotate. i see som many people moving at once and it’s scaring me. it’s scaring me a lot that all of these people have the ability to move so much and i dont. so i turn around and walk to the locker room. i lay down on the couch and people filter in and out. no one really questions what’s wrong with me just laying there in normal, non-athletic clothes, staring at the wall (another concern we’ll address later because at least i know if i do off myself no one will actually care) except for ashley who assumes ive been crying because my eyes are bloodshot and swollen. some friends come in and just think im ignoring them talking to me about their problems, etc. i dont say anything. so i close my eyes (at least i think i do) everything goes black, like curtains have dropped and i see little bits of things that i thought i forgot from my life literally fly by me. like super quick trailers. then four circles appear at the end of a tunnel thing that was formed by these scenes and they start spinning around themselves. im aware of everything happening within my body at this point. i can feel every drop of blood inside me. my heart is beating slower than i recall it ever beating and when it does, it’s one hard pound against my chest. the air conditioner in the locker room turns on and i can tell because it’s making every nerve stand on end and the goosebumps raising from my skin are excruciatingly painful because i can feel them rising. like the intensity of everything my body was doing was just.......too much to handle. i start thinking “wait is this death or did i already die? is this official death?” and then i black out and come to when im at my apartment door and im unlocking it. i have no idea when i got here or when i made the decision to come here but here i am. i check the time on my watch “13:42″ and then go to sleep. i wake up and it’s dark outside. i check my phone and apparently ive had an entire conversion with my coach who was concerned after seeing me walk to the gate and turn around and a few random snaps, etc. i have no idea what happened. i start questioning which reality im supposed to exist in and i start wondering if the one ive been living in all along has been a hallucination. and the other day when i experienced pretty much the same thing again, it was a bit different because this time, my realities kept changing. like when you walk from one room to another, that’s how i would feel looking from one object to another. i dont ever want to feel this again but it’s obviously had some lingering affect because every now and then ill see something in my vision that i know isnt there, i wont process things ive done until way later (like responding to my boss today at a meeting. i didnt process that i said something to her until she was responding because in my head i was like ‘why is she talking to me rn’. ill be doing my usual walks and i’ll start feeling like im on a treadmill again. i dont know if it’s an out of body thing or if that’s what dissociating really is.....idk but it’s fucking scary because it feels like my entire being keeps leaving my physical being for brief seconds. that’s my story. that’s all i have wanted to say to people who pretend to care.

[punkscowardschampions]

Ali & Carly

Ali: Heyo boo Ali: thanks for Rocky wrangling with me today, you're now also his fave so, add that to your tally Carly: its k i had fun Carly: hes a cutie & cool kid Ali: me too Ali: yeah, he's alright, but cocky enough so I ain't telling him Ali: dunno where he gets that from 😏 Carly: ha Carly: yea idk Carly: no clue Ali: i'm sorry Ro was being off btw, I'm working out why but trust it wasn't you, babe Ali: been neglecting her lately, everyone wants a piece of me Ali: hard life Carly: idc its me too Carly: nobody wants a piece but you Ali: I just told you that ain't true, and Rocky is ruthless, he called one of my customers a 'big bum witch' the other day Ali: no tip for me, thanks dickhead Ali: but I want all of you regardless Ali: willing to throw hands Carly: aw Carly: this town is full of big bum witches tho Carly: my ma back for one Carly: but are you willing to use those hands for good too or Ali: awks if that was your Ma, like hey gurl, I think you rock it Ali: your daughter ain't bad either Ali: you know it, IOU 'cos we couldn't make like we were in the backrow of the cinema Carly: unless she been lying about where she at i think youve avoided meeting the in laws again Carly: k cuz you kno i need to collect soon Carly: bored Carly: just back and zoned out so fast Ali: ain't even got exciting stories from their galavanting? fucking rude Ali: at least when we go AWOL we also go wild Ali: make things happen, lads Carly: my ma's good for nothing but hairspray and peroxide Carly: only use if i get beat up again Carly: my da's good for cash tho if you wanna get wild w me Ali: or you wanna single white female me Ali: which would be a disappointing outcome to say the least Ali: can't tonight babe, I've gotta have some sister time Ali: go hard for both of us Carly: k Carly: try not to miss me bad when shes talking about me Ali: oh babe, she will not, and if she does I'll set her straight Ali: gonna let the world know you're my 😇 Carly: whatever her issue shes gotta air it and youre her sister so you gotta hear it Carly: idc shes not gonna hurt me w it Carly: and setting peeps straight is the opposite of how you do, babe Ali: true Ali: idk what issue she could have though, you're a literal ray of sunshine Ali: true again 😏 Ali: ugh, imma miss you Ali: maybe i can sneak out when she's gone to bed, the 'rents too Carly: i miss you now Carly: cant hear my parents say shit Carly: i just wanna talk to you Carly: dont tell me maybe & keep me waiting tho Ali: i will Ali: promise Carly: i dont wanna make trouble for you Carly: w anyone Carly: you can stay w her if you need to stay Ali: You won't Ali: I can do both Ali: be back before first light Ali: even if I'll miss watching the sun rise on your face 😔 Ali: we've got the night, baby Carly: but you kno if ive got you for the whole night youre gonna fall asleep Carly: thats what im good at Carly: feel free to tell your sister thats why you like me ha Carly: fun & tiring its magic Ali: hmm, we'll see who wears who out first, babe Ali: and if I am that husband, then you'll just have to wake me up with morning sex like the good little wifey you are 😘😂 Carly: always bringing that confidence i like it Carly: k but if my parents wake up too you can explain its a duty thing yea i had to like Ali: i like you Ali: for so many reasons and imma show you all of 'em tonight Ali: fuck that Ali: stay out with me, its warm enough Ali: i'll trace all the constellations out with my tongue so you won't ever forget Ali: educational Carly: my ma is asking me what im blushing about Carly: i told her what you said but she's not a believer Carly: support my education bitch Carly: ha Ali: i mean, i'd offer to let her see the benefits for herself but Ali: not gonna win me any brownie points 'cos she won't take me up on it Carly: she dont kno what she's missing but i do Carly: wish you were here Ali: me too Ali: start the party without me babe, i don't mind Carly: too late if you do Carly: gotta get through this reunion some way Ali: they aren't making you watch a slideshow, are they? Ali: fate worse than death Ali: Maybe you could go to Ronan's? Lmao, he's been up in my pussy way too much since he found out about us...didn't think we were THAT loud but ok boy Carly: yea Carly: might do cuz same Carly: but what if i miss you he can really make a night of it when he wants Ali: Nah, I won't let you face that disappointment, babe Ali: my spidey senses will tingle like not on my watch, fuckboy Carly: aw Carly: you gonna come get me? Carly: thats no way to get him out your pussy babe fyi Ali: yeah Ali: I know but I like the idea of showing you off as mine Ali: but no sharing, he only gets to watch and be mad he fucked it up Carly: i like it too Carly: youre hot when youre oneupping fuckboys Carly: i thought i knew how to do it best but k youre flipping the script Ali: as long as i'm besting them i'm doing my job right Ali: gotta keep you on-board Carly: speak of the devil Carly: how he know i was alone & horny Carly: my parents have only gone to the shops its uncanny Ali: know your neighbours but bit stalkerish, pal Ali: i'll text him to fuck off, freak him out Ali: how does she know, ha, two can play this game fucko and I'm more committed Carly: ha Carly: you gotta Carly: hes smoking im gonna bum one see what line he tries to lay on before the text sends Ali: On it Ali: gotta let him know there's a queue to court the princess now and he's at the back, soz Carly: he likes hitting it from the back he wont be put off Carly: im gonna show him some of the hot pics i took of you tho Ali: when is he ever tbf? 🐶👅💦 Carly: true Carly: that fucking cute tho aren't i Ali: you know it babe Carly: hes talking to my da now Carly: kill me Ali: how fucking dare he Ali: knowing he has the upper hand with the man bants Ali: i know how to change a tire too! love me! Carly: if my ma invites him in for tea im out of here Carly: she will think hes hot under the collar for her & bitch thats my groundwork Ali: Run baby run Ali: what kinda moron is he tho Ali: coulda had a private show if you just waited, now its all saturday night telly and flat lager Carly: you kno i have nowhere to go if you dont want me babe Carly: facts Carly: he likes me now he cant have me what a fucking Carly: like i wouldve fucked you but im not getting w you Ali: i do, is this full sos crisis mode though? 'cos i need to be good for a lil while longer yet Ali: such a typical bloke move that Ali: bet he ain't the only boy in ur inbox, not a pun Ali: 'cos he ain't in mine like 🙄 Carly: its k your sister needs you Carly: i can keep walking Carly: loads of other lads on site as well as in my inbox Carly: & they arent trying to say hi to me before we get down to it nevermind my parents Ali: 😾 Carly: why so sad blue eyed boo Ali: i don't like how lads treat you Ali: i'm not jealous, like swear to god, even though i obviously want you all to myself, i get it Ali: but i'm not about how shit they are to you, even if you don't care, they should care to be decent humans Carly: thats not lads its everyone Carly: youre the only one treating me different Carly: they dont know how else to be Carly: made my bed babe Ali: nah Ali: you don't deserve half the shit you get, that's bullshit Ali: and even the rest, people just don't wanna try to understand or be good, heaven forfend they inconvineince themselves for one second, like Carly: if im a slag im a slag i dont get to put conditions on it Carly: if it was a film maybe Carly: but theres no romance coming my way from theres and i dont want it Ali: why can't you just be you? someone who likes fucking, among other things Ali: not romance just like...not being a cunt Ali: idk Ali: pisses me off Carly: cuz you don't run the world even tho you strut it like you do and i love it Ali: not yet, babe Ali: one day, and you can be my right hand woman Carly: yea? Carly: take me w you & ill take you to all your fave places k Ali: k Ali: we'll be fun forever, I promise you Carly: gotta be Ali: you know i like you even when you ain't tho Ali: don't tell Carly: who would i Carly: ronans got enough for his wank bank & nobody else is chatting to me rn Ali: exactly, ruins the illusion and fantasy when they realise i care about you Ali: so unsexy of me Carly: youre sexy to me Carly: idc what they think Ali: good Ali: me either Carly: i like you too you kno Ali: yeah Ali: i had my suspicions Carly: i dont have any subtlety sorry about it Ali: Don't be Ali: I love it Ali: not enough people say what they mean or want, ever Carly: waste Carly: k i wasnt shouting how bad i wanted to kiss you before i did but not cuz i was bothered about me Ali: agreed Ali: sometimes you can't know you want something until you've got it Ali: i get it Carly: you get me Carly: its weird Ali: 🔮 Carly: ha Carly: k what am i thinking now Ali: wouldn't be proper to say Ali: tut tut bad girl Ali: like how you think though Carly: fuck Carly: youre good Ali: 🤷 don't mean to brag but remember that phrase you'll be screaming it later Ali: such a Ronan line, I can't 😂 Carly: but true Carly: not like when he says it Ali: 😍 Carly: what you doing w your sister Carly: gotta live through that cuz bored Ali: Fixing my weave Ali: getting into a white girl dread territory over here Ali: then gonna do some 🔮 forreal Ali: get ready for me to be even more of a know it all baby Carly: cute Carly: tell me my future i got some shit from another neighbor & im waiting for it to kick Carly: hows it gonna treat me Carly: needing a good trip Ali: we'll see who gets the answer first Ali: you got anything for me? Carly: yea Carly: they mystery but i kno you arent scared Carly: & you got me doing a test run rn lying on here on the grass Ali: 🌌 be there before it fades away my space explorer Carly: if you find me at a bad end prob dont take it Ali: is one of the lads trip sitting you Carly: so he reckons but hes drinking so theres no trust Carly: & he gave me it Carly: his game could be me lights out idk Ali: keep texting me, okay babe? Ali: if shit gets too real, tell me and I'll come early Ali: my sis is cool now, she gets what we're doing, she was just confused Carly: aw Carly: youre sweet Carly: you told her you like me Ali: 'course I did Ali: I ain't ashamed Ali: I'm proud Carly: youre gonna make me cry Ali: You're special, Carly Ali: You're gonna see Carly: I just wanna see you tho Ali: Me too Ali: I'm gonna make her some chamomile tea and then I'm coming, yeah? Carly: but thats not fair to her Carly: she's not gonna be a fan of me Ali: I've promised her more time tomorrow Ali: You need me rn Carly: but what if i want you to stay Carly: what are we gonna do then Ali: i'll stay until you're ready for me to go Carly: you mean that? Ali: yes Ali: promise, imma take care of you Carly: but theres nothing in it for you Carly: youve already got me you dont have to Ali: i wanna keep you Ali: and not just selfishly Ali: you gotta stick around, you're too cool to go anywhere, okay Carly: k Carly: im here & if you wanna be im not stopping you Ali: good Ali: i wanna be wherever you are Carly: i kept you pills back the lads didnt want me to but idc about them & you can follow me in now Ali: fuck them Ali: just me and you Carly: yea Carly: ill look after you too Ali: 😇 Ali: i know, i trust you Carly: idk if you should Carly: but i like it Ali: willing to take my chances Ali: you're worth it Carly: thats you Ali: i'm so glad i met you Carly: me too Carly: not that i met me thats weird Carly: you know what i mean Ali: i got you Ali: not high yet 😉 Carly: id seen you around before you guardian angel'd me that night Carly: thats weird too Carly: that i didnt see you how i do now Ali: it is Ali: you were always cute but Ali: idk, i can't claim to have seen this in my crystal ball Carly: thats cuz i wasnt cute i was a state Carly: & youd have more likely seen me sucking ronans dick Carly: look away babe you dont need to have that image in your mind Ali: don't need him reckoning he plays part in any of my fantasies, nah Ali: you can't not be cute, no matter how you try, soz babe Carly: you can't not be so sweet to me can you Ali: dunno Ali: not tried Carly: idk what id do if you did Carly: i got used to it Ali: got no plans to stop Ali: unless you ask me to, like Carly: thats not gonna be what i ask you to do Carly: trust me Ali: you can tell me all about it Ali: 5 minutes, tops Carly: okay

[thelifetimechannel]

[sadambomb]

Sometimes i really miss getting stoned..

Now being 2 days short of 4 weeks sober. I got alot of shit done when i was high. But ive also got alot of shit done being sober. I guess really the only differences ive noticed is sometimes when im really high i zone out and get stuck. Maybe for 5minutes to a couple hours. Just being stoned. I still do this sober, but instead of smoking i get distracted by porn or social media. I never blamed weed for anything because it made me happy and made the days easier. By easier i mean, dealing with my everyday life. Ive been through so much in these last 2 years. And sometimes i wonder how im still here. Its nice to have a release you know.. like when i got home the first thing i did was take a fat dab and forget everything before. Like anything bad didnt matter anymore. I loved that about weed. I care alot about shit. And what ive realized is thats what i have a hard time dealing with when im sober. I feel everything twice as much and my reactions to my feelings are either slow af (by slow i mean when drama happens im just like watever cuz i dont care) and i think about it later and get pissed cuz i couldve showed out or told that person off. But like i said im not a problematic person,i dont like drama. Anyways then sometimes im quick to react and kind of over do it. And over stupid shit too.. usually some shit i wouldve been high doing before and it wouldnt have bothered me at all prolly then. But then i learn how to handle my messes after and reciprocate on how to make it better. This usually happens with people i care about. People i dont care for cant get a reaction out of me. But i will argue and show my emotions to you if i care about you. I can be a real asshole. But its not me as a person. Its just how i feel at the time.. im working on it. But yeah when i was high , i was always that .. high. And its great. I feel like it helped me keep my emotions in check. But at times it also helped mask emotions. I didnt feel things like how i do now. Shit just seems like its , really. Real. And broo, lemme tell you. My reality here. Sucks. Its fucking pathetic in my eyes. Its not what i wanted for myself right now.. but hey, im working on it . Ive been working on it. High or sober ill never forget where im going. Im going up. I really had to change my lifestyle and choices. I make it work and i work hard. High or sober. Thats who i am. And ill never regret anything. I guess what im saying is we all have demons and the devil in our ear. The smallest ways too. Can have the biggest effect on your feelings. Especially if your on a certain path. And the most hardest thing to do is getting-started . If you always see the end result (in your head) but in reality have no way to get the gears rolling. You'll be stuck forever. High or sober, get started on whatever you wanna do. Even if its an idea. Write it down, draw it out, make some calls. Make a fucking plan. High or sober. Get shit done. Its possible. And if your like me, your the only one in your circle actually trying to do shit. Dont be scared, and be aware that discouragement is the worst when it comes from you. Dont be your worst enemy. Be your best friend. And always honor yourself in the work you do. Lay that shit out and have no regrets. If your gonna do some fucked up shit, make sure you can honor it. And live with the consequences. It all starts with you. And the voice in your head. Be in tune with eachother and motivate yourself. You can do it Blood.