#like seriously y'all this book READ MY FUCKING MIND

[slightlyrebelliouswriter23]

i just finished Love In The Time of Serial Killers by Alicia Thompson and Y'ALL. i cannot recommend it enough.

it's poignant. it's insightful. it's delightfully introverted. it's for the girls who are the prickliest, most afraid people they know.

[number1jeonginstan]

Part of my Valentine's Day Collab!

A/N: First installment, I hope y'all enjoy it!! I ended up re-writing this twice because I hated it the first two times...

Pairing: Bf!Lee Know x Reader

Warnings: Unprotected sex (who am I without it?), having sex in public (kinda....), oral sex (f!receiving), fingering, cumming inside, use of a vibrator.

“What if we try something new?” Minho asked as you put you got out of the shower, trying to find an outfit to wear your your dinner date. 

It was your first Valentine’s together, and you wanted to make it special, especially because he was always busy with work. 

“And what would that be?” you asked as you placed your complied outfit onto your shared bed, only to see him lying down with something silver in his hands. 

He showed you the small device with a grin spread across his face. “Think about it, you walking around with this touching that cute little clit of yours” 

“Minho” you exasperated, before putting on your dress in front of him. “Come on baby, you look so pretty, just think how much prettier you would be if I could control you” 

You turned around to hear shuffling, allowing him to zip up your dress. He kissed your shoulder, then your neck in the process, eliciting a small whimper from your mouth. 

“Please kitten, for me” he whispered into your ear. Who were you to say no to your boyfriend when he asked so politely? 

“Fine, if and only if you let me ride you tonight” you grinned. 

“Face or cock, I don’t mind, as long as it’s with you” he giggled back before spinning you around, throwing you onto the bed, and pulling down your underwear. 

He placed the bullet vibrator right on your clit before pulling your underwear back on. “Be a good girl and hold that for me tonight” 

“Yes sir!” 

It took you another forty-five minutes to do your makeup, the entire time, Lee Know was watching you. He pretended to read a book, splayed out on the bed in his dress shirt and slacks. 

As you were putting on your lipstick, he decided to have a little bit of fun. Taking the remote out of his pocket and setting it on the medium setting. 

You jerked, your lipstick slowly cascading off the corner of your lips, causing you to groan. “Lee Minho, what the actual fuck” you whined, taking a tissue to try and take it off before it dried down fully. 

“What kitten, I was just testing it out. Plus, I don’t know why you insist on wearing lipstick anyways, you know it’s going to end up on my cock at the end of the night” 

“You are so crude” you giggled, throwing one of your brushes at him in retaliation. 

“You love it though, but seriously baby, let’s get going I don’t want to miss our reservation” he chuckled, slowly making his way off his bed and behind you at your vanity. 

He watched you through the mirror as you adjusted your lipstick, admiring how beautiful you looked. How dolled up you would get just for him, it’s like he’s the luckiest man in the world. 

“Let’s get going” you grinned, grabbing your purse as the two of you headed out the door, bidding a farewell to Soonie, Doongie, and Dori, giving them all mandatory pats before heading to his car.

As he drove, one of his hands gripped the wheel while the other gripped your thigh, your eyes trailing every single one of his veins. 

The restaurant wasn’t far away, but the ride was pleasant. The low hum of the music in the background as you stared out the window, the heat of his hand filled all your senses. 

As the two of you arrived, he slowly parked the car, removing his hand from your thigh only to fidget with the remote in front of him, turning it on to the lowest setting. 

“How does it feel baby?” he asked as the two of you arrived at the restaurant.

“It’s nice” you giggled, the light hum on your clit giving you a bit of pleasure, but not enough for it to be noticeable. 

You finally understood why he had told you to dress so nicely. It was the restaurant he had been raving about.

“And what if I do this?” he grinned as he turned it all the way up, causing you to cover your mouth to hold back a scream before he turned it off completely.

“Minho, if you do that again, I don’t think I will be able to make it out of this car” you whined as you heard his chuckle.

“What if that’s exactly what I want?” 

“Then we shouldn’t have gone on a date and could have just stayed home” you muttered “I got all pretty for nothing” 

“Fine, if you want to show your cute little self off, let’s go” he grinned, quickly getting out of the car and opening the door for you, holding out his hand.

“Wow, what a gentleman” you giggled, taking his hand and walking to the front of the restaurant with him.

“This place is beautiful” you grinned, taking in the restaurant, fresh jasmines and plants rid the walls. He decided to take you on a sushi date, a place that he was recommended ten times over by Jisung and his girlfriend. 

“It truly is” Minho replied looking at you and not even taking in the place surrounding him. He walked up to the host stand, stating “We have a reservation for two, under the name Lee Know” 

The hostess simply nodded, guiding the two of you to a more secluded area, filled with individual rooms. 

As the two of you sat down, watching the hostess leave you quickly whispered “This must have cost a fortune” 

He replied with a simple “Anything for you” causing a soft blush to kiss your cheeks. 

You zoned out for a second, taking in the room. But before you could fully process it, he turned up the remote in his hand, causing you to moan out loud. 

“Fuck Min, you have to give me some type of warning” you whined as the vibrator kept the medium pace. “What if someone hears?” you whined

“Then they will hear how good I make you feel” he giggled before ringing the bell on the desk, informing that the two of you were ready for your first course as explained by the hostess before she left.

“Ready for the first course?” he asked, waiting for your response. “Yes please” you responded, not noticing the subtle grin on his face.

It only took a few minutes for the food to arrive, the waiter bringing it in before closing the door once again. 

 On the plate was cut-up tuna, each piece having a good amount of fat, laid on a bed of roasted asparagus and pomegranate aioli paired with a glass of 2022 Louis Latour Puligny-Montrachet. 

“Take a bite” he grinned, taking a sip of the wine placed in front of him. As you did, a moan escaped your lips. Each flavor complements the last, the taste exploding in your mouth. 

“This is so good” you grin, holding out a bite on your fork for Minho to taste. He sensually took a bit, groaning at the taste as well. 

As the two of you took a few more bites, savoring the food as the two of you talked about work and the crazy things happening between your co-workers, you could feel yourself slowly getting wet for some reason. 

The vibrator wasn’t even turned on, but your pussy was clenching around thin air. You played it off as the thought of Minho in front of you and nothing else, but little did you know he had planned the whole thing.

“Are you ready for the second course?” he asked, taking sight of your thighs pressed together, taking note of how they already started to kick in. 

“Of course” you gleaned, wondering what course they were going to bring out next, and how it was going to top the last one the two of you had just eaten. 

“Oysters?” you looked a bit puzzled as the waiter brought a tray with two plates of pasta and oysters, placing them in front of the two of you as well as two glasses of red wine. 

“Just enjoy baby” Lee Know grinned, taking a sip of the wine, you following suit. The sweet nectar covered your tongue, causing you to moan out loud. 

“Wow, Minho this is delicious, where is this from?” you pondered taking another sip. 

“If you like it, I’ll buy you a bottle, just enjoy the food in front of you” 

You took his suggestion, tasting one of the oysters before taking a bite of your pasta. “I think this might be better than the last” You grinned before taking another bite. 

“I’m glad kitten” he followed suit, taking a bite. “We should do this more often” he grinned, taking in your contempt face. It was nice to finally spend time with you, especially in public. 

“I agree” you hummed, taking the sight of his relaxed body. 

As the two of you talked some more, the food slowly disappeared, but you barely noticed, too immersed in your conversation with Minho, that was until he turned on the vibrator, causing you to squeak. 

“I told you I would do it when you least expected it” he chuckled, but you could barely register what he was saying. Even though the setting was so low, it felt ten times better than it did an hour prior. 

“Minho, fuck I’m going to cum” you whined as the vibrator pushed against your cunt perfectly. 

He turned off the vibrator just before you were going to reach your high, ignoring your whines and pleas, forgetting the two of you were in a public setting, where the waiter could come check up on you at any time. 

He ignored it before crawling underneath the table, his face nuzzling between your thighs, kissing up them. “Such a pretty looking cunt” he whined against your cunt.

Before you knew it, his face was in front of your cunt. He quickly pulled down your panties, licking stripes against your cunt as he turned the vibrator onto a medium setting. 

“Fuck Minho” you groaned, trying to push his head away, but he wouldn’t let you. He looked straight up at you, with hooded eyes before pushing one of his long fingers in you. 

“We can’t do this” you whined, clenching around his finger “There are people here” 

He didn’t care, ignoring you and going back to kissing your thighs as his fingers continued to squelch inside of you, your hand covering your mouth in an attempt to hide your moans. 

You cried as his fingers continued to abuse your soaking wet cunt. “What did we eat today?” he giggled before diving back into your pussy, his tongue pressing the vibrator harder against your clit. 

“Fish and oysters” you whimpered, the feeling becoming to be too much. 

“And what are those?” he grinned, pulling his face away from your pussy to look directly at you, your juices dripping down his chin. 

“Aphrodisiacs” you gasped as you came on his fingers.

 You had learned about them months prior when the boy’s girlfriends and you were playing a game of truth and dare. Felix’s girlfriend had admitted that he had made her eat oysters and fish before having sex one night, and it was some of the best sex they had ever had. 

“Good girl, you got it already” he replied, kissing your lips.

He slowly removed his fingers from your cunt, taking out the vibrator as well before stashing it away in his pocket. 

“Now, think you can be quiet for me and cum on my cock?” he questioned, bringing your hand down to his dress pants and rubbing it along his already hard cock. 

You nodded, allowing him to pick you up and place you on the table. He watched in awe of your body, your chest heaving as he pulled down, his already hard cock free of the confines of his pants and boxers. 

“Fuck kitten, you look so pretty like this” he grinned, slowly dragging his cock along the lips of your pussy, watching the way his pre-cum smears onto it. 

“Please Sir” you whined, begging for him to insert his cock into you. “Are you sure that you want my cock kitten? As you said, anyone can come in here and see me fucking you” 

“I don’t care anymore sir, please I need you inside of me” you whined, taking hold of his cock and pushing the tip inside of you. 

“Fuck kitten, you are so wet” he whined before slowly pushing his entire cock inside of you. 

“Look at you taking my cock like a little whore, do you want that waiter to see you like this? He was eyeing you up ever since we got in here. I bet he’s imagining how good you would look like this on his cock, but who’s little whore are you?” he groaned, slightly slapping your face.

He could feel your cunt get tighter at the thought of someone walking in. 

“I’m your whore sir” you moaned as his thrusts got harder, the tip of his cock hitting deep inside of your cervix. 

He couldn’t stop, the way your cunt was squeezing his cock, the way you were whining underneath him. He loved every second of it, never wanting to leave your warm wet little pussy. 

“There we go kitten, keep taking my cock inside your tight little cunny like a good girl” He whispered in your ear as he slowly lifted your legs, pressing deeper inside of you if that was even possible. 

You could feel yourself getting close, all of your senses slowly diminishing. Before you could cum, you heard the sound of the bell going off. The same bell that signifies the two of you were ready for the next course, the same bell that brought the waiter to your private room. 

“You better cum baby, don’t want the waiter to see you all fucked up like this do we?” he grinned. 

It was the push you needed to cum with a silent scream around his cock, your walls squeezing him in. 

It only took him a few more thrusts to cum inside of you, his hot release covering your walls. 

You quickly tried to come down from your high, trying to pull your underwear up, but before you could, Minho pushed his fingers inside of you. 

“Just making sure it doesn’t go anywhere” he giggled, before making himself look decent again. 

Right as the two of you sat back down, the waiter walked in. 

“Can I get you anything else sir?” the waiter asked, trying not to stare at the way your cheeks were flushed and your dress was a bit askew. 

“I think we can get the check, we have dinner at home” he chuckled before licking his fingers that had just been pushed inside of you only seconds prior. 

[bigbawdy-benzz]

SUPER SHY 2.0

Pairing: Miles 42! X Shy Black Plus Size Fem Reader

Tags: @idkmistake @aaliyahwalkshere @mama-2001

Summary: Y/N has finally been noticed by Miles, you already had Miles heart now you have it even more now that you two are bonding getting to know each other.

A/N: I'm glad you guys loved the other one so much!! So here's pt.2 a day later I hope you guys love this one as well!! ENJOYYYYY as the author I was giggling and kicking my feet rooting for y’all. Btw if you didn’t read Pt.1 go read it before this one!! pt3

“I'm Y/N thank you so much”. You say taking your books trying to hide your smile.

“No problem Y/N also I like your shoes” Miles stated with a smile, you looked down at your shoes then looked at his smiling even wider looking back up at him.

“Thank you we’re matching” Y/N replied. Miles looked at his shoes smirking looking at Y/N

“Coincidence” He said swiftly walking away with his friends. You were hooping and hollering in your head trying not to scream.

“GIRLLLLLLLLL” Aaliyah shouted.

“Damn that was a very intense moment” Ocean states with her eyes widened looking at You.

“That's your man cannot convince me ANY less” Aaliyah exclaimed, throwing her hands up.

“Seriously did you see the way he LOOKED at you when y’all were talking AND the mamita that's all yours Y/N”. Ocean added to Aaliyah’s statement

“PLS don’t add on to my delusions, let's get to class” You stated before, y'all were late to class. You and your friends contained yourselves going to your math class. You couldn’t concentrate on anything but Miles was running through your mind it was hard to pull yourself together. Your friends noticed laughing quietly. You looked at them with a smile, you went on your phone to distract yourself seeing the following icon pop up on instagram, you clicked it seeing ‘therealmilesgmorales’ has followed you. Your eyes light up showing your friends your phone.

“Ohhhh mmmmm ggggggg” Aaliyah whispered.

“You better get on that luv cause that's officially your man he followed you” Ocean stated smirking at You.

“Real delulu screaming out my man” You sang causing you and your friends to giggle, in your peripheral vision your teacher eyed yall.You guys immediately started doing your work praying the bell rings soon. You went back to daydreaming with the biggest smile on your face, you heard the bell ring grabbing your things exiting the class room with your friends. The rest of the school day went by smoothly, you saw Miles in the hallway shooting him smiles and he smiled right back at you. The end of the day approached and you were about to leave with your friends.

“Hey Mamita” Miles said approaching you, you were smiling from ear to ear.

“Hi Miles” You said shyly.

“Is it okay if I walk you home?”. Miles asked, You looked at your friends and then back at Miles they nodded their heads at you.

“Yes of course” You replied.

“BYEEE Y/N WE LOVE YOU” Aaliyah shouted

“BE SAFE BOOKIE” Ocean Shouted as well as you were leaving with Miles.The walk was dead silent for 5 minutes because you were too shy to say anything, Miles picked up on this smiling at you.

“What you listening to?” Miles asks

“I'm listening to Best I ever had by Drake” You reply

“That's my shiiit play it I wanna listen”. He says you take your airpod out blasting the song. Miles starts singing, you look at him chuckling joining him cause fuck it.

“Baby, you my everything, you all I ever wanted We could do it real big, bigger than you ever done it You be up on everything, other hoes ain't ever on it I want this forever, I swear, I can spend whatever on it” The both of you sing laughing having a good time walking home. You were smiling the whole walk, Miles started dancing while walking making you laugh.

“AYEEEE” you shouted hyping him up, you appreciated how he made you feel comfortable by doing simple things. Quite frankly Miles did not give a damn about how he might have looked crazy; it made you feel comfortable enough to sing at the top of your lungs with him.

“Who else you listen to ma?” Miles asks with a smile, seeing you smile

“I listen to Brent Faiyez, Tyler the Creator, Steve lacy, Shreea Kaul, the list goes on”. You reply smiling from ear to ear.

“I like Brent Faiyez, Tyler the Creator,Steve Lacy, I have to listen to Shreea Kaul. We gotta get together, do nothing and listen to music you a Vibe” Miles stated, looking at you with the cutest smile on your face.

“Tienes una hermosa sonrisa” Miles said, making you want to fall to your knees, the way it rippled off his tongue, the way his voice sounded it tingled you just right. (You have a beautiful smile)

“Thank you Miles” You said shyly, Miles chuckled.

“You gettin shy on me Mamita?”. He says confidently being a tease, the way everything rolled off his tongue did something to you.

“Noo of course not”. You say looking away from Miles.

“Awe it’s okay, I have a question for you”. Miles expressed

“What's your question?” You ask while still looking away from him, he brought his hand to your chin turning your head to look at him, you were flustered trying not to blush.

“Can I take you out Tomorrow?” He asks, caressing your cheek with his thumb, you fall into his touch looking at him.

“Yes you can take me out” You say receiving a smile from Miles, he wanted to kiss you right then and there but it was too soon way too soon. He stopped touching your face realizing you’ve made home.

“Don’t worry about where we are going, I'm going to figure it out,it's going to be a surprise just show up looking pretty I'm going to show you how pretty girls are treated”. Miles stated looking you in the eyes.

Stay tuned for pt 3!!!

[slashingdisneypasta]

Slenderman x Reader || Oneshot

Plot: You and Slender have had a big fight, and broke up. You’re both done. Things are just too hard for you both, to stay together. You’ve broken it up and made it up more times then either of you care to count and you just cant do it anymore. You want each other, you need each other, you love each other more then anything else- But you’re giving up. You think its right thing to do.

Now, watch Offender, who is definitely the least knowledgeable man on earth about love, talk to his brother and fix this. 

Warnings: Angst (Though I tried to put some comedy in there!) with an insinuated happy ending. Also, obviously, Offender.

Tagging: @ladala-shihiro , @miss-understood , and @yesthetrashbin . I hope y'all like this! ^^

This is a work off my old blog, @mainstreambaddies , remastered ^^ I was reminded about it talking to @marinerainbow ^^

“So, then-” You clear your throat, holding onto the handle to your suitcase, standing out on the porch. Slender's still inside the house, but the door is open. “This is done, now?” This has been done so many times before that its hard to believe that this is really over this time. You almost can’t take it seriously, like you should. Like it is. Like you know that you'll wish you had when you remember it tomorrow morning. You peer up at Slender with a smirk, though, because you just cant. “Not gonna meet me at the edge of the forest again?” Like he’s done the last, what, 70 times?? Apart from those times that you stopped and realised you love him, and ran back for him, of course. 

Offender sits on the couch, just inside the mansion, seemingly reading the dirty parts out of some of Slenders books out of immense boredom, when he hears what’s conspiring feet from him. Promptly, he decides this is much more interesting and stops reading. He doesn't put the book down, so as to look like he's reading and not eavesdropping, but he most certainly is.

You get the feeling there would be a stiff, taught, no teeth kind of smile on him if he had those kinds of features. He’s standing in the doorway, with his arms crossed-not like he’s annoyed, or expecting something; More like he’s in thought, holding himself where he is. Together, and most importantly- still.  “... Mm, no, not this time.” His voice is dull. “We discussed this already Y/N. This is final.” 

“I know.” 

“But we have said that before though, haven't we?” 

As always, he can read your mind without even actually reading your mind. 

You take a deep breath, and let it go. One of the many things you’ll have to let go. 

Because you have to. 

Because this is the last time. No more. You couldn't do it again,... and you wouldn't want to. Its too hard.

Offenders interest, and doubts, are thoroughly perked. What have they been discussing?? What do these two think they know?? What’s happening?? He rolls over onto his stomach on the couch to look at them, before pushing himself up onto his forearms. “Wait, what're you two doing?” 

Slender flat out ignores him, while you give him a funny little look before looking back at Slender again. It hurts to say these next few words. God, its beginning to sink in- this is over. “So... I’m going now.” You love him... but its over. You couldn't do it; There were just too many obstacles in your way and you couldn't hack it.

Why couldn't you just figure it out?

“Okay.” 

As you nod at him one last time, in the most awkward final goodbye that anyone has ever witnessed in real life or on TV, Offender cringes. 

“-Hey, nobody answered my question. What are you doing?” Panic is starting to set in for real, as you leave, and Slender makes no move to follow you, or waive, or say anything else. He just watches. 

What is this?? Anyone with even one working braincell can tell that these two are more meant for each other then any other so-called fucking 'romance' in history. What is this!?

Panicking even more, Offender wants to go and catch you before you get away, but instead of the graceful chase he was intending to give, he manages to get caught trying to escape the couch and tumbles off of it and hard onto the wooden floor. Its not been waxed in a long time. He’s going to have splinters in his face, for sure. 

At least this gets Slenders attention, who stops watching you leave for the last time, and turns to look dubiously at his brother. It proves as nearly a distraction from his heart burning in his chest, so he’s eager to get to the insults. “... Are you starting to age? One of the first signs is loss of coordination, so you may well be. If you start to lose your hearing, do let me know. I’m next, after all.” 

“No, I’m not starting to age, you spiteful little dick.” Offender, again gracelessly, gets up from the floor and fixes his coat, before stomping over to Slender with a firm, angry finger pointed. “I was disoriented, by the bullshitery happening a few feet away!” 

Slender's voice is still dull, but in a difference way now. Tired. He just wants to go to his room and sleep for 11 weeks. His heart feels like its oozing out of his rib cage. Like its become liquid, and it’ll never be better again. This is too much, he didn't sign on for this, this is one of the many many reasons that humans are foul, loathsome creatures he shouldn't bother himself with, fuck- Why didn't he listen to his own goddamn advice?

He tries to perk up, though, for the sake of one of his favourite kind of digs. “Oh, is Jeff home?” 

“Can you stop playing around for a couple zeptoseconds and talk straight with me, pixie boy?” 

Ah, ‘Pixie boy’. Slender’s been waiting for that little nickname to come back around... not. Offender named him that as Slender's attitude really began to blossom as he grew up, because he resembled one of those little, spiteful, tricky fairies that humans go on and on about stealing their firstborn's, and such. Like Slender would ever want anything with a snivelling little infant. At least not a living, one- And he wouldn't bother leaving a replacement.

“No, shan’t. And can’t. Good day.” Slender makes a yawning sound, genuinely tired even not counting the disgusting heartbreak rushing like sepsis poisoning through his veins- from arguing with you all through the night before you came up with your very sensible conclusion, to end things. Offender watches, in complete disbelief and exasperation as Slender turns his back on him and heads through to the kitchen. 

“Bitch, if you think I’m gonna give up that easy... “ Offender mutters to himself, as he rolls up his sleeves for emphasis and goes after his little brother. 

-Who hears what was just muttered, and enquires about his supposed consequences, if he did indeed think that Offender would give up that easy. Cheekily. “Hm?”

“Then- you’ll-... be sorry-” Slender laughs quietly, and Offender gets the idea that that answer is not the right one. He also wants to punch him, but what else is new. “You will be... you will... you’ll be sorely mistaken, young man!!”

Oh, fuck. Offender thinks. I’m starting to sound like Splender. Except somehow less intimidating. Goddamn.

They travel through the mansion until Slender gets to his room. He slams the door closed right before Offender was to walk in after him, gets a frustrated swear in response, and is met with a big brother to the face a second later, when Offender teleports right in front of him. 

Slender sighs in utter discontent. 

Without a word, though, he veers around Offender and heads for the left wall of his room, which he’s converted into a makeshift kitchen. So that he can have tea and breakfast, without having to venture into public eating area and see people. He fills the kettle with water and sets it on the stove, using a tentacle to turn the dial. He doesn't turn back to Offender, just stands at the stove and watches the old fashioned, open topped kettle. 

God, he’s diminished. Its taking all he has to keep up the front he has, now. He takes a slow, deep breath in. Why did he do that? Why did he end it with you? Slender suddenly feels the urge, physically, to move forward and get you back, even if he has to beg on his knees, but-

Slenders shoulders slowly, gently drop again as he lets out the breath. -but, he cant. He wont let himself. 

This is the best, for both of you. 

Mostly for them. Slender cant help but add on. Because, its true. He wants nothing, quite like he wants for you to be happy. If it meant his own destruction, which it apparently does, then that's what he'll do. He'll make it happen. He'll suffer.

“Tea?” Slender pipes up, starting the conversation this time himself, surprisingly. Offender looks at his back with a mix of ‘I don't know what to do here’ and that rare bit of ‘help him’ that always seems to come tearing out of the deepest parts of him when his brothers are in trouble. He had been reading Slender's thoughts and now he understood what his little brother was thinking- but it was still dumb as hell. And he refuses to take it.

His voice is cold, but his words give him all away, when he speaks next. “I want you to know that if that’s what you really think, that you’re both- that they’re, gonna be better for this, then you're delusional. But I know that you don't listen to anyone else, so yes. I would like tea. Thanks.” 

It relaxes Slender a little knowing that Offender knows where he stands. That he doesn't have to nail into his brother how fixed his mind always is on things, like he has to with nearly everyone else who thinks they can change his mind. They cant. No one has that ability and its quite exhausting proving that over and over. He supposes that's one thing his idiot brothers are good for.

He nods in response, the slightest bit of relief dripping off his forehead. 

The next few minutes are silent, except for the eventual question of ‘Earl Grey or English Breakfast?’, and the response of ‘Irish’. The silence continues, until Slender pushes a cup into Offenders hands and then finally, finally rests down in an elegant chair and table that looks out on his beloved forest. There’s another chair, which Offender finds home in, as Slender looks depleted with his shoulders hunched forward, his fingers tight around his cup, and his gaze on the window. Or, what’s outside, of course.

Seeing this, what Offender can only construe as a look of longing- he tries again. “So... you... don't wanna make up with Y/N, because...?” 

Slender sighs, giving in to the conversation. Any other day, he’d fight it till the cows came home, but today... he just doesn't have it in him. Too... tired. He shifts his focus onto the dark, milk-less void of in his cup and slowly, shakily lets go with one hand to trace the edge gently. “I want off this rollercoaster, Offender. Y/N and I... we don't do anything but fight. I love them, somehow- but I’ll live forever, while they wont. They deserves to spend their limited amount of time in peace, and they wont get that with me. That's just... how it is. That's what we have seen.” 

“You know it only feels like you fight all the time, when you’re fighting... that's normal, bro. There’s plenty of time when you and that kid are freaken… merged like black holes.” Oh, wow, that is not a bad analogy. Okay- “That must be why you’re hurtin’ so much now.” 

“Black holes stay around for a long time.” Slender tells him immediately, and Offender hates him in that moment for knowing about space.

“Okay, bad analogy.” 

“Yes.” 

Frustrated again, Offender puts his tea firmly on the table to arouse attention. “Alright, new angle. It will come as no shock to you that we’re about as evil as that devil bastard himself, yes? We’re absolute turds next to the fucking gold crapping angel that is Splender, and the charity funder that is Trend.” Slender shifts, at that. Yes, that’s true. But does he needs to put it so unflatteringly? “ -Yet, that sweet, probably hallucinatory human out there in the forest fell in love with you. And you, with all your crusty, hates-every-damn-thing-ness, fell in love with them too. Love! You! Do you know how crazy that is? One in 7 billion. And that's with normal fucking people. Why the fuck are you letting it disappear???” 

“Its for the best-” 

“That kid, that mortal person, out there, is the best thing either of us could ever have hoped to deserve and you stumbled upon it! Now, you think you can just let them walk away?? And, also, what makes you think you're capable of that, anyway?” 

Slender brings the tea, shakily to his ripped lips. This is starting to annoy him again, so he takes a deep breath. “...- ” 

“You’ve never been able to do it before!!” Offender mildly rages, exasperated, as he stands up, letting his chair squeal back behind him. Slender looks up, to see his face over his tea. “Okay, okay. One last thing. Tell me, Slender. Can you stand to wake up tomorrow, and feel absolutely fucking empty? Because that's what's coming. You’re going to sleep peacefully all night, without a turn or even a snore escaping you, and you're gonna wake up and for a second you’re not gonna remember. But this ain't somethin' you can sleep off. You're gonna hurt, its probably gonna feel like you're dying, and its gonna be all your fault. You gave away the very last thing, that you should have.” 

At the mental image that penetrates his mind and, god forbid, his heart, Slender physically winces. Nearly looses hold of his cup. 

Offender just watches him for seconds, calming down from his outburst... before shoving his hands deep into his pockets, and pushing back his shoulders. Hopefully, that did it. Hopefully, that's enough -Besides, all this caring is starting to give him back pains. He desperately needs to go do something bad. Maybe he’ll hit up the streets. 

Before he teleports away, Offender doesn't quite catch sight of the way Slenders tea gets set down on the table. His body convulses ever so slightly, at the realisation of how fucking wrong he is. 

Then in the next second, Slender's gone, too. 

[courtingchaos]

Rent the Space Inside My Mind

1 I 2 I 3 I 4 I 5 I 6

Pairing: Eddie Munson x Female!Reader

Summary: Man, remember that picture you found? I wonder how you two decide to deal with that little hiccup...

A/N: I've finally come to the realization that this little fic is a labor of love for me. It's my baby so it isn't ever really going to have a real updating schedule. All of that to say, thank you for sticking around and reading you guys! Not a spoiler but just so you know, the end kind of reads like An End, but I have a lot more planned for theses two. This is just like, and end to the pining.

Also, I know others are reading this, but I'm giving a whole shoutout to @fracturedarkness who has been the best cheerleader for me with this story from essentially day one. Literally a ray of sunshine 😘😘😘

(If y'all want a soundtrack at all, just listen to Hozier's Wasteland! Baby. Seriously it's basically all I listened to.)

Warnings: SMUT! There's smut! Halleluiah! 18+ NSFW Minors GTFO

In sixth grade Eddie had caught mono. It was the first serious illness that Wayne had to deal with since taking guardianship four years earlier. Eddie had moaned around the trailer for two weeks, unable to stay awake for more than a few hours at a time. He’d been exhausted and couldn’t swallow right. The fever he’d get at night made him nauseous those first few days and that’s the only thing he can compare this sick twist in his gut to. 

Between the picture clutched in your fingers and the intense look on your face, Eddie thinks he might just turn inside out. 

“Ed?”

It sounds like an accusation in his ears. You’ve found him out, evidence catching the light where it waves around between the two of you. Forget trying to tell you his feelings, he’s got a date with  buckshot later. 

He takes it back actually, this feels the same as the day you accidentally met his dad. The sudden visit on a rare stint between prison stays. The lead weight of fear and sadness and pure fucking rage making him go cold and numb.

Eddie is so tired of shit going wrong in his life. 

“Eddie?” How do you sound so soft when he has clearly screwed up so bad?

Also, he went for one shower after making a stupid mess and you decided to what, go through his shit?

Don’t start 

There’s a black mood he gets in sometimes. It creeps up his insides, stains him dark. It makes him mean and he doesn’t want to be mean, not to you. Not to anyone really. 

He knows on a deeper level this is his fault, it was only a matter of time before you found the picture. Tucked in books and forgotten in his sheets he’s honestly surprised it’s taken this long.  

“Eddie!” The sharpness of his name jerks his head out of the haze he’s in. Sees your eyes clearly and you’re not mad, in fact he thinks that might be a smile hidden under all the confusion. 

“Where did you get this?” Even and calm. Could you lend him some of that? His throat clicks when he tries to swallow. 

“I think uh, I think I took it. On ha-Halloween. Last year.” He doesn’t recognize his own voice, the deep scratch of it. “We were drunk at Hagan’s. I don’t know wh-“

“You took this?” Another wiggle of the polaroid. Your grip on the box of weed is still white knuckled. Okay, maybe that wasn’t a smile. He can’t really tell anymore, the panic settling in firing off all his alarm bells. 

“You weren’t supposed to find it.” He’s so quiet, hasn’t been quiet like this in a long time. Wasn’t even this quiet sneaking into bedrooms. 

You take a step forward and he launches back. Head hits the door frame and if god is real he would let the paneling swallow him whole right now. 

“Why do you have this? Why all the-” you gesture behind you, “why all my shit? You told me you hadn’t seen my Theo figure anywhere and she’s in the drawer with all my shit!” Your voice gets tight, face scrunching up in complete confusion. “I thought I was loosing my stuff but you’re just stealing all of it! My zippo! Eddie what the fuck?!” No, right, there’s the anger. He’s pressed so firmly against the door jam it’s guaranteed to leave marks for a week. You take another step forward and he has nowhere to go, pinned under your scrutiny and words and the waving hand holding his shame. But where your voice was rising in anger, it drops suddenly, slides into something softer. “Why do you have this?”

Yeah Eddie, why do you have it?

It’s a total accumulation of, let’s be real, two years of unrepentant pining. Two years of being a dick and going after easy girls because you were off limits in his own doctrine. Too good a friend to ruin the relationship, and too good a person to ruin with himself. It’s nights spent at the bookstore waiting for you to get off, watching with a burning in his gut as the dipshit college guy you work with tries to edge his way into a date. Blunts and cigarettes shared like kisses between lips he isn’t allowed to taste otherwise. It’s the grappling like two idiots fighting, breathless giggles and rough shoves that end in headlock hugs and usually him tapping out first, unable to stand being in your embrace if it isn’t for keeps. 

“I…” the space in his room is somehow bigger than it’s ever been, leaving him adrift in the chaos of his things and your things and the too thin air that you’re somehow breathing in just fine. There’s a stutter in his chest where he’s not catching his breath, the familiar heat behind his eyes where the tears are trying to rush forward. “It’s just-fuck! It’s such a creep…move I know and I just didn’t want to l-let it go because it was a good night and-and a good picture and your hand…” he’d dropped his eyes to stare at your feet, unable to say his half-assed explanation to your face. “Your hand. On my leg.” Just a whisper. Swings his hand limply toward you. “I just, it was a nice thought.”  His throat is tight and he’s afraid if you keep looking at him he might cry. 

He’s watched you take enough steps forward so you’re practically toe to toe with him. In his peripheral he watches you toss the box behind you onto the bed, your other clutching the evidence lightly taps against his chest and rests there. 

He looks up through his lashes and his hair, keeping his sight obscured like it’ll protect him from whatever you’re about to say. 

“I can’t believe-“ you cut off with a laugh and a shake of your head, that small smile he thought he saw turning back up. “I feel so fucking stupid.”

Eddie’s stomach has disappeared along with the rest of his insides. There’s never been a real foundation of proof for him, just stolen glances he’s caught you in. That lingering look you’d give him, the way you’d hang onto him longer during a hug sometimes. Mostly just blind hope and his own low simmering ego to egg him on. 

“Do you want to know what I did this morning?” He nods, he really does want to know. There’s the smallest drip of warmth trickling down his back with your words. 

“I woke up and I thought about you. First thought of the day.” A deep breath and he can see the pink blooming up out of the collar of his shirt you’re wearing. “I thought about you and I felt so stupid after, for sitting in the dark and pretending that you’d ever-“ You stop yourself again and drop your eyes to stare at your hand on his chest. 

“You thought about me?” He asks and you nod slowly. He’s got an idea about what that might mean. “Do you maybe also have a secret polaroid?”

A break in the tension and you take a step back, laughing. A real one he knows, warm and happy. The photo hits him in the chest where your hand just was, where you’ve just flicked it at him. “How long Eddie?” 

“What?” He grabs for the photo but it flutters to the ground. 

“How long have you liked me?” Your wide eyes and breathless question challenge him. When he doesn’t respond fast enough for you, you reach out and push his bangs away from his face, smoothing them back. His wispy armor is gone and with it, surprisingly, some of his fear. Your eyes are clear and waiting, smile still pulling at your lips. 

“I don’t, I don’t have like, a date. Like, a-awhile.” Eddie stutters like he’s never spoken these words before. Nerves replacing fear when it starts to finally dawn on him: this isn’t going to end in flames.

The hand at his forehead slides down and rests on his cheek. He hasn’t taken a full breath in since you pushed his hair back, never mind now that your cradling his face, but the fear has been slowly melting off his shoulders while you’ve been staring at him and when your eyes trail down his face, it and the sudden nerves all just disappear. 

He feels your fingers flex along his jaw and he finally takes that breath. 

“I’m not reading this wrong am I?” Barely a whisper but he hears you. Shakes his head and opens his mouth to talk but you cut him off, just as quiet, “I don’t want us to make a mistake.” 

“You think this’d be mistake?” The hurt leaks through without his meaning to. 

“God no, Eddie I-“

There’s a bloom of confidence he hasn’t felt before, something that twist up through his ribs and around his spine. “Good.” 

Reaching out for you feels natural. He’s reached out to you a hundred times before but he’s never slid his hands into your hair. Tucked them up behind your ears and pulled you in close, felt you gasp when he brushes his lips against yours. Your hands pull at his shirt where they’re both fisted in the thin material, keeping him close. When you push into him he feels your mouth open, tongue grazing along his bottom lip; white static across his thoughts. 

It’s 10pm on a Thursday night and your kissing him in his room. Wearing his t-shirt and pushing him against the wall while your kissing him. He feels one of your hands flatten against his chest and his heart rockets off and your still kissing him. There’s your tongue again begging entrance and he yields, feels that barbell slide across his own tongue and he’s done for. It’s better than he could ever fantasize. He wants more of it but you just aren’t close enough. He grips at your hair to pull you in, to try and deepen the kiss but there’s no where else to go. You mumble something against his lips but he just swallows the sound and slides a hand down your back till he can get his fingers up under the hem of the shirt, palm laid flat against the small of your back. 

“Eddie.” You sigh his name and he makes it a personal goal right then to get you to do it again. Your hands wander down his chest and he starts his own wandering down your neck, lips finding any open skin he can kiss. “Hold on, Eddie-“

“I’m not holding on for shit.” He says in between kisses. “I’ve been thinking about doing this for months.” Your laugh vibrates under his mouth and it makes his eyes roll. “Do you want me to stop?” He pauses under your ear, panting against you. 

“No.” You sigh and shake your head, leaning into his hand still in your hair. “No I don’t.” 

He spends a few more minutes pulling little sounds out of you that he’s filing away for later. Nipping at your skin when you run your hands under his shirt and push it up. 

“Can I?” The question isn’t even finished before he pulls the shirt over his head and throws it behind you on the dresser. “Oh!” A giggle when he lays his hands back on you, hands rucking up your own shirt where he can run his palms over your midriff. There’s no finesse to his kisses anymore, just laying them wherever he can, anything to make you giggle again. He moves his hands higher, pushing your shirt up so he can finally see your tits again. It’s been a whole ass year since your wore your dress and he’s dreamt about this every day since. He kisses the tops of them and is mesmerized by the way they bounce back under his touch. 

“Hello old friends.”

“Old friends?!” When you laugh they move with you and he has to force himself to look back up at you. 

“Yeah, you saw the picture. We’re well acquainted.” He buries his face down in your cleavage and you hear him take a deep breath. “How do you always smell so good?” He’s layering kisses again and you’re trying to move around until you can pull your own shirt off. “Hey don’t rush this, I have this perfectly planned.” 

“Oh, so you left the drawer open on purpose?”

“Absolutely, it’s been my months long plan.” He takes a step forward to force you back one. Eyebrows scrunched together he scoffs, “I almost let you catch me for a while and then it happens by mistakeand I act like it’s the biggest fuck up ever and now I’ve got you shirtless. Listen, I plan campaigns babe. You know I can write ten steps ahead.” He’s walking you backwards till your legs hit his bed, fingers holding onto your belt loops to keep you close. 

“Eddie?” You hook your fingers into the waistband of his flannel pants, pulling down till they shift off his hips. 

“What?” He’s distracted by your fingers sliding around his hips. 

“You’re so full of shit.” He laughs when steps out of his pants and sees you look down, an immediate tilt to your head. Your fingers still against his skin, skimming the elastic of his boxers but he knows you’re staring at the growing bulge. The clever remark he had ready dies in the back of his throat when he hears the quiet ‘hmm’, watches your tongue poke out to swipe across your lips.

“If you keep staring I’m gonna get self conscious.” One hand covers his mouth to muffle the end of his sentence while the other lightly rubs up against his dick through the thin cotton. Somehow he stays upright, mouth falling open under your hand to pant against your palm. 

“You got any other surprises for me Munson?”

Are you talking to him? He can’t get a braincell to function with the heat of your hand pressed against him, barely moving at all. The button on your jeans is about all he can fathom, getting them opened and remembering how a zipper works is next. Your breath bouncing off of his chest makes him shiver and kind of brings some of his brain back up and running. 

“I uh, I got a few tricks up my sleeve.” He tips you back till you sit and he follows close, making you lay down. You laugh when your back hits the bed and you keep laughing, body shaking as he works your jeans down your legs. 

“What’s so funny, giggles?”

“I’m just…this is the first time I’ve had sex in a bed.”

Eddie stops moving and looks up at you from your feet. “I’m sorry, what?” He hopes he’s just hearing wrong, on account of his brain short circuiting a moment ago.  

“Yeah, it’s just always been in the back of cars.” You say it so flippantly, like it’s just a thing that happened to you. “I mean, It’s whatever. I just realized no one’s ever pushed me back on a bed before.” Your grin is hazy when you look down your body at him but he’s stone sober now. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to any of those assholes and he knows it. You’re the best thing to happen to him, and somehow you’ve gone this long with shitty car hookups. 

“No.” He shakes his head and pulls your jeans off fully. Slides your socks off and tosses them in the pile of your clothes. “You’re lying, please tell me your lying.” 

“I’m not! There’s so much more room!” You wave your arms next to you like you’re making a snow angle in his sheets. You sit up quick, bracing yourself on one hand to reach behind yourself to undo your bra when he stops you. 

“You don’t have to do that, I can help.” He’s crowded up against your legs where you’ve dropped them both sideways. 

“I know that, I was just making it easier.” His face must drop because you huff at him. “Look, I’m not stupid Eddie. I just, haven’t had the best track record I guess. I just assumed-“

“That I was gonna be like the other guys.”

You shrug. “Yeah, Hawkin’s finest. You know.” 

That’s a little bit of a blow, he won’t lie, but watching you slam up your walls when they’ve been nonexistent all night makes him switch tactics. 

“You deserve better than that.” He swings his legs to the side so he can lean over you, one arm braced against your hip, the other tilting your chin to look at him. He doesn’t think he’s ever seen you pout before, your bottom lip sticking out pink and wet and he wants to bite it. “I’m serious.” He leans in close, lips brushing yours. “Can I be nice to you?” He whispers against you and your face flushes immediately, eyes darting down to stare at the bed. He can’t stop the grin spreading across his face, delighted with how flustered you get. 

“I-you’re always nice.” You mumble, chin fighting to get away from his hand holding you still. 

“I can be nicer.” He closes the small gap and kisses you again, still holding your chin. He can feel your breathing speed up when it ghosts over his cheek where you’re nose is pressed. When he’s certain you won’t pull away he moves his hand to your back, unhooking the clasps one by one. Eddie pulls back to look at you properly, fingers lightly pulling the straps down your arms. “Can I?”

“You don’t have to ask.” You say, still nodding your head at him anyways. 

“It’s good manners.” He says simply, wiggling your bra off of you, tossing it to join the growing pile. You’ve shifted back to your elbows, further away from him but giving him a better view. None of his fantasies are measuring up to real life. Just watching the way your tits lay when you shift has him practically drooling. He runs a fingertip from between them and down to your navel, marveling at the softness of your skin. Runs that same fingertip over to a hip and you jump just a little. “Ticklish?”

“Maybe.” Your voice is wobbly, chest rising and falling faster. He lays his palm flat against your stomach and runs it up your side, thumb brushing the underside of your breast and you sigh, letting your head fall back between your shoulders. 

“You are so fucking pretty.” Eddie means it. Even before all the crushing and jealously he could see it. With your head back he can watch the blush creep down your chest and he marvels at that too. 

“Eddie you can’t just say shit like that.” You sound strained from the angle your at. He runs his thumb under the swell of your breast again just to watch you shudder. 

“What, that your pretty?” He leans down to place a kiss on your chest, can feel your heartbeat tick up faster. He’s only got so much restraint before he grabs you up into his lap but he’s trying hard to be a gentleman about it. You deserve that much for your first time. Well, not overall but with him? Eddie’s determined to make you forget about every other guy who’s even looked at you. 

“Look at me.” He’s dropping kisses along your collarbone trying to get you to lift your head up. His hands have been itching to grab your tits but he wants you to stop being shy for a minute. “Please.” He’s trying to kiss up your neck when you finally lift your head. “Can you scoot up for me?” He asks and you oblige. As soon as your head hits his pillow he’s leaned back, pulling your knees back up so he wedge himself between them. He grabs your hand and pulls it up to kiss your open palm and you close your fingers around his cheeks, making him laugh. 

“Will you stop being cute and just touch me?” 

“How?” He kisses down your wrist, watching you get more flustered. 

“I don’t know, whatever you normally do?”

“No, that was with them, they don’t matter anymore.” He makes it to the crook of your elbow before he lets go and crawls over the top of you, getting in your face to stare you down. “What’d you think about this morning, hm?” He’s keeping track of all the little whimpers your making, the way you bite your lip when he makes you nervous. You won’t meet his eye so he follows your line of sight and you huff at him. 

“Stuff, Eddie. Oh my god.” You cover your face with your hands and he thinks he can feel the heat radiating off of you. It’s driving him crazy in the best way, he doesn’t think he’s ever had this effect on anyone before. 

“Aw c’mon. Tell me.” He kisses each finger before moving down to your knuckles and honestly, he just can’t help himself anymore when he brings a hand up to knead at your tits, a quick pinch of a hardened nipple and you gasp into your hands. “Was it this?” He pinches again and you wiggle under him, hips jumping up against him and he drops his head. You’re hot everywhere, and the core of you pressed up against him through his boxers is going to do him in if he’s not careful. “If you don’t tell me I’m gonna have to guess and this could be a long night.” He rolls his hips into you to try to get his point across and to try to get some relief. 

“Is that such a bad thing?” You ask, pulling your hands down to just cover your mouth. Your eyes are wide and glassy, pupils big and dark. 

“No, but I want to know what I do in these dreams of yours.” He moves back to your neck to make a path to your chest where he laps at your nipple. “Something like this?” He asks before wrapping his lips around and sucking, tongue flicking over sensitive skin. You arch your chest up and there’s a laugh caught in your moan. He moves over to your other side, nipping at you before mouthing at your other nipple, hand teasing at your hip. He snaps your underwear against you and you let out a quiet ‘ow’ and try to swat at his hand. “Or was I somewhere else?” His fingertips graze under the band and inch down. Your knees pull up tight around him and he’s so close to saying fuck it to his own game. 

“You were-fuck Eddie, you were going down on me.” You get so quiet, the one hand still on your mouth muffling your voice. 

“Oh?” He lets your nipple go with a wet sound, big grin already set in place. 

“If your gonna make fun of me…”

“Absolutely not.” 

You watch him over your hand place a scattering of kisses down till he hits your underwear, giving you one last questioning look before he hooks his fingers in and pulls them down. You’re also starting to feel a little self conscious when you realize he hasn’t taken his eyes off you. 

Payback

“Ed.” He just runs his hands up your legs, big palms warm against your thighs. He pulls your knees out a little further before leaning down and re-situating himself between your thighs, leaving open mouthed kisses along the inside. You’re torn between wanting to watch him and wanting to cover your face in embarrassment when he makes the decision for you, pulling at your elbow to drag your hand down to his head. He’s got that lazy smirk on his face and you can feel his breath skipping across too sensitive skin. 

“Give you something to hold on to.” You want to laugh but he’s too quick, fingers moving in to hold you open for him. Your head drops into the pillow when he licks a broad tongue from your center right up to your clit, your back arching up and Eddie’s laugh vibrates through you. 

“Oh fuck.”

“I haven’t even started yet.” You can hear the proud smirk in his voice and if you’d like to say something smart back you won’t, too focused on his mouth working you over. His tongue is soft, even when he points it, uses it to prod at your opening and you forget any remarks you might have had for him. 

“Eddie.” You pull at his hair when he wraps his lips around your clit and he groans. You’re stuck concentrating on his mouth until he slides one finger in and you choke on a gasp. He pulls his mouth away and lays his head against your leg, watching you from under his wet hair. 

“Is this what you thought about?” He can see you nod into the pillow, hand twisted next to your head in the fabric while he pumps his hand slowly. 

“It’s what I thought about.” He hooks his finger up, trying to find that soft spot to make you melt. “I think about it all the time.” The grip on your thigh is tight, keeping it close against his cheek. “Ever since you told me about those shitty dates.” 

“Seriously?” You lift your head, eyes half lidded and face scrunched up. 

“I should have nutted up and said something. They didn’t deserve you.” He pulls his finger out and you watch him suck it into his mouth, watch his eyes roll in his head. You groan and he adds his middle finger before he pulls his hand out, spit slick fingers running up over your clit, teasing you before he slides both back in. He leans in to run his tongue through your folds, watching you from under his lashes while you wriggle around and clutch at the pillow. The hand in his hair grips tighter and your legs squeeze up around his ears and he’s surrounded by you, the low chanting of his name keeping him planted in place. He finally finds that spot, feels you shudder under him before you moan, tilting your hips up to chase his touch. 

“Eddie Eddie Eddie fuck!” You keep rolling your hips against his face and he can’t help himself. He’s been pathetically rutting into the mattress listening to you whine and he can’t take it anymore. He taps under your thigh to get your attention, really gets it when he fully pulls away and you look down at him all concerned. “Why are you stopping?” 

“Good reason.” He stands up and pulls off his boxers, rooting around his nightstand for the condoms he knows are in there. He’s oblivious to you on the bed, sitting all the way up now and staring. Of course they’re not where he left them, instead tucked behind his lamp but he grabs one and climbs back on the bed before he realizes what he’s done. “Oh.” Eddie feels his face heat up when he looks down at himself. “I probably should have done that better.” He’s expecting you to laugh or sigh or say something witty but you just snatch the foil out of his hand and tear it open. You only pause for second before wrapping your hand around him and he’s positive this isn’t going to last as long as he’d hopped. When you roll the condom down he hisses and drops, head falling into your shoulder. 

“You okay champ?” 

He just nods and whines when you give him a few easy strokes, watching your hand move up and down his cock. You’re so much more gentle with him than he is with himself. Eyes half open and mouth hanging he’s sure he looks fucking stupid but he doesn’t care, doesn’t want you to stop touching him. When you scoot closer and pull his face up it takes him a moment to realize you’re kissing him, for him to react and do something. 

“C’mere.” He shakes out of his haze enough to move back between your knees, pulling your hips so your ass is flush against his thighs. He pulls your leg up to hook over his hip, placing a quick kiss on your knee before lining himself up.  He rubs the tip of cock against you, catching on your clit twice and making you whimper. 

“Please Ed.” He doesn’t need to be begged twice, grabs the base of his dick and sinks in slow. Sees your breath catch and your eyes roll, “Oh fuck it.” He bottoms out, can feel you clenching around him tight and hot and gasping and laughing and he looses all composure. Fingers dug into your leg wrapped around him he snaps his hips back and into you, punching out a sharp peal of laughter. He does it again, loves the way he can hear the choked off gasp in your throat. When he picks up his pace you grab at the sheets, twisting them up off his bed. 

“Fucking th-thank you-u!” It’s stuttered out between thrust, your face flushed and twisted up in a smile. 

“You know how many times I thought about this?” He has to talk, if he doesn’t talk he’s going to blow his load and he refuses to let your first time together end before a full minute passes. “Every time I looked at that picture I thought about it. I should have fucked you in that bathroom.” Your nails scratch at his thigh where they try to find purchase. “All the rides out to the lake oh fuck- I should have done this sooner, yeah?” He licks his thumb before bringing it down on your clit, running tight circles around it. Your back arches off the bed and he feels you clench around him. “Is that it? Right there-ohmygod.” It almost sounds like you’re crying his name just before you come, nails digging into his thigh when it crashes into you. He watches you tense up and then collapse against the bed, pliant under him where he starts to loose his rhythm. The heat that reached up fast burns up his spine while he watches you revel in your aftershocks, already trying to grab him down to you. The hazy look in your eyes and that grin you’re flashing him send him over the edge, burying himself with a deep groan, your name scattered between curses. He’s whited out until he can catch his breath, gripping your thigh until he can see straight. In the distant ringing in his ears he can hear your giggle under him, soft like the hands trying to pull him closer. 

“Hey.” Your eyes find his in his own haze, slowly coming back down to earth. “Come here.” Gentle tugs to get him to lay down but he shakes his head, asks for minute. He pulls out to get rid of the condom and disappears into the bathroom for minute, leaving you to roll around his bed. When he comes back he turns off his light. Sees that you’ve pulled the blankets up under your chin, one finger poking out to beckon him back in. “I’m cold.” 

Eddie would like to pinch himself just to make sure this is real. In all of his imaginings he never let himself have this part. The sex was easy to think about but this hurt too much to ever linger on. He finds his pants first before crawling back into bed, snaking a hand around your middle and pulling you into him. He wedges his nose up under your jaw and hums, leaving a few soft kisses in his wake. 

“Are you always this cuddly?” 

“I don’t normally get to cuddle.” You’re both quiet in the dark, hushed tones under the blankets. 

“Huh.” Your fingers tangle up in his hair, nails lightly scratching over his scalp. It sends a deep shiver down his spine and he has a split second where he feels like crying. “Their loss.” He feels the kiss you leave on his forehead and just buries his head further into your neck. You smell like you always do, sweet and deep and now a little like him. He drifts off without meaning to. 

It’s not daylight yet, but his room is lighter. There’s no alarm clock going off next to his head so he looks around, trying to find whatever it is that pulled him out of his warm cocoon. 

Bleary vision in the dark, he can barely make out your form jumping quietly into your jeans. He’s peering at you from under the covers, watching you get dressed. You stop mid jump to pick something up, staring at it before padding over to his dresser and tucking it into his mirror. He’s basically awake when you turn to open his door and he quietly asks you where you’re going. 

“Jesus fucking Christ you’re gonna give me a heart attack.” You clutch you chest and try to search through the dark for his eyes, finally see him when he pulls the sheets back a bit. 

“Seriously, where are you goin’?”

“It’s almost 5. I figured Wayne was gonna be home soon so I cleaned up the living room and like, I didn’t know if I should hang around?”

“You sleep over here all the time.” He slides a hand out from under the covers to make a grabby hand at you. “He won’t care.”

“Well I mean, I’m not usually naked in your bed dude.”

“Then leave your shirt on.” Eddie doesn’t understand what you’re not understanding. “I mean it, Wayne isn’t gonna care. If anything he’ll be happy I stopped bitching about you.”

“You bitch about me?”

“No, I bitched about not having you. There’s a difference. Now come here, I’m cold.” He lifts the blankets up quick, making a sweeping motion for you to get back in. “Plus, he won’t say anything unless you do. He likes you too much to embarrass you.” You’re out of your jeans again and crawling over him, trying to avoid kneeing him. 

“Aww, he likes me?”

“Well I like you too.” You’re barely settled before he’s wrapped around you, leg hitched over your thighs and pinning you down. “What’s that get me?” He’s nosing along your jaw again. 

“Depends what you’re looking for.” 

“Mm. Concert tickets to see Ozzy in Indy.”

“Oh that’s a big ask.”

“I see. How about a kiss?” He pulls back to smile lazily up at you. 

“I can do that.”

❣Tag List❣

@edsforehead @fracturedarkness @munsonsguitarpick @bebe07011 @ali-r3n @cantreadbutcute @eddiethesexy @emma77645

[unbidden-yidden-deactivated20240]

Y'ALL. My brain just gifted me the most absurd dream, to the point that I was woken up by my concerned spouse at 5:30 a.m. because I was apparently sob-laughing in my sleep and he thought I was crying. I mean. I kind of was, until the merciful hand of wakefulness cut off the dream.

So in the dream, I was reading this nature book that I've had since my childhood. It's a huge coffee table book with glossy pictures of different species of animals that's just called Animal.

I am looking at the section for ungulates, and I turn the page. When I turn the page I realize that someone has made an AI version of it, because it stops making sense and starts devolving from animal facts to "animal facts-i-just-made-up." Now, whoever did this crossed it with one of my favorite halacha podcasts, so I hear the voice of Rabbi A (this dream was so batshit that I am not going to name names publicly; you'll see why in a min) talking crisply in her radio/podcast voice about hippopotamuses and clearly the page I'm reading is her script. Rabbi B is making his thoughtful listening sounds. Then abruptly she says:

"And now we're going to talk about hoatzins. [Cut to a photo like this:

"They look like a narrow chicken and--" [she loudly begins honk-blowing her nose for a comically long time into the microphone]

Rabbi B: [still in his normal radio voice] You didn't need to do that.

Rabbi A: [also still in her normal radio voice] Yes I did! And [dramatic AI approximation of farting sounds that sound like no human fart in existence]

[Sounds end]

[Both rabbis chanting softly together; meanwhile keep in mind I'm reading this like a script on the page] farten. farten. farten. farten. farten. farten. farten. farten. farten... Hippopotamus.

-ending music plays-

*cut to: me laughing so hard I wake my spouse up and he wakes me up*

GUYS WHAT THE FUCK. WHY.

(Seriously I have not listened to this podcast or looked at that book in so long and I hate AI. WTF)

[bellaxgiornata]

What would you get our traumatized Irish Catholic boys for Christmas? And what about our traumatized Italian Catholic and cocky Vampire?

Ahh Soulie I love this question so much but OMG I had to THINK for this one!! Mostly for Owen and Henry because we don't learn too much personal stuff about Henry (plus he's a centuries old vampire so like...what the hell would you gift him?). And I think I'm only just starting season three of Boardwalk Empire so what I thought of for Owen is more of a funny gift. I'd probably have a better answer once I've seen more of him in the show if I'm being honest. But anyway, for those who're curious on my gifting ideas and thought process for Matt Murdock, Michael Kinsella, Frank Castle, Owen Sleater, and Henry (whatever his last name is 😆), I'm putting everything below the cut cause y'all know I'm longwinded 😅

Also feel free to join in on ideas in the comments because I'd love to hear what other gift ideas y'all would have!

Gifting something to Matt Murdock seems like...an impossible task to me. Whenever I write fics, I honestly hate coming up with ideas for a character to gift him something 🤣 Why? Because this man doesn't remotely scream materialistic. I mean he barely makes any money at his law firm and is all too happy to be paid in bananas. And his only hobby is illegal and probably going to get him killed. So what the hell do you get Matt?

Personally, I'd gift him some sort of spa day or a long ass massage. He'd certainly need to be forced to take the time for himself and use it, but you know that man's battered and worn body would welcome a nice, long massage. Then maybe treat him to a nice dinner at a great restaurant because I always worry this man isn't eating enough.

Bonus gift: I'd give him a weighted blanket, too. I feel like it would help relax him on the nights he doesn't go out beating criminals.

Okay, this one came far too easily to me for Frank Castle. I'd gift him a rescue dog. Why? THIS MAN NEEDS A DOG OKAY. Frank and a dog just go together in my mind.

I also think Frank would thrive and heal a little from the unconditional love of a furry friend. And he could certainly use the company from a canine companion. I just know a dog would bring a smile to this man's face and bring out that softer, non-murder-y side that we all know is there inside of him. And honestly, I worry about how incredibly alone Frank feels after losing his family. So a dog would be perfect.

Bonus gift: Possibly some new books to read because I imagine this man doesn't enjoy much television in his downtime.

This one also came far too easily to me. I'd gift Michael Kinsella with a little vacation literally fucking anywhere calming and peaceful outside of Dublin. He desperately needs to get away from the stress of his family's business and just his crazy, shitty family in general. They're obviously not good for his health and I think he could seriously use the break. I'd also get him some less depressing books so his ass stops just reading Steinbeck and starts reading something else. You need some new books, Mikey.

Bonus gift: I'd surprise him by having his daughter Anna come along on the vacation. After eight years in prison, those two could really use some bonding time without Mikey's meddling family.

This is where things started to get tougher for me. Like I said, I'm barely in season three of Boardwalk so I feel like I don't know much about Owen personally. He hasn't had that much screen time besides some killing, scheming, and sex. So this gift idea was a bit more on the entertaining/funny side. I think further into the series I could come up with something far better.

I'd gift Owen an expensive bottle of Irish whiskey and lots of condoms. I mean, it certainly seems like he'd use both of them. The man is...definitely a flirt who has every intention of following through on his flirting 👀

Bonus gift: I don't know, me? Do I count? You can have me for Christmas, Owen.

Okay so Henry is the toughest one for me to answer this for. I mean he's a vampire and he's a few hundred years old and the movie doesn't give that much background or personal information on him. So what would I gift him for Christmas?

Considering he's a few centuries old, I doubt he's materialistic (certainly doesn't seem that way). I doubt he'd like a vacation because I mean...he's probably well traveled. We know he's got some morals since he doesn't feed on humans because he used to be one. So I imagine this vampire would enjoy literature and maybe art--things that connect him to the human side he lost. Though I assume he probably already owns and has read all the classic novels, so maybe I'd gift him something that's current that might resonate with him that he hasn't read yet.

Bonus gift: Maybe an engraved lighter? The vampire does seem to enjoy smoking. Or maybe something handmade and sentimental.

[keep-the-wolves-close]

Steady Heart

Chapter 28: Achilles Heel

* Pairing: Slow-burn Kayce Dutton x OFC Stella Daniels

* Rating: M? (Still figuring out the rating system) (might eventually be M anyhow)

* Warnings: language, angst

* Word count: 1,867ish

I would love to give credits to @dameronscopilot and @deanscroissant for being sounding boards for me during this whole process, giving outsider insight, being cheerleaders, and allowing me to screech at them about things that have happened during the writing process. I seriously couldn't have gotten this far without y'all

Author's note: Okay, I lied. One more because I have an uneven number queued. Then I’ll follow the rules. Scouts honor lol. 🤓 Things are starting to ramp up, Kayce and Stella are finally coming back to some kind of normalcy. It’s been rough, but we’ll get there. Also, this is shorter than normal, but it worked well for splitting these events up. I hope y’all don’t mind, I hope everyone is enjoying so far! I hope you love this chapter as well!

“What! You told me you ran into him!” Ryan cried out.

“Okay I bent the truth! I’m sorry. I knew if I told you that 30 minutes ago, you would have burnt the whole state of Montana to the ground!” She defended herself.

All the men moved closer to her instinctually. Rip started in on her hard. “Why the fuck didn’t you tell me when I picked you up?!”

“Because I wanted to tell everyone all at once, Rip!” Was he even listening?

He came back at her even angrier. “Bullshit! Were you gonna say anything at all?!”

“Yes! My god! I’m here aren’t I?”

Kayce targeted her next. “You’re only here because your brother and I made sure you’d come talk to my dad.”

John interrupted. “All of you quit!” He locked in on Stella. “What did he want?”

“I asked him and he said something about liking my property, yadda yadda, and got insulted when I asked who he was again and told me I work for a ranch that has started to annoy people. Then read me like an open book almost to every little detail about my life.” Stella crossed her arms and shook her leg. The memory of Malcolm’s unnaturally blue eyes staring into hers as he recited her information sent a chill up her spine.

“I told him I wasn’t interested in anything he had to offer. He said I was a soft spot for people here, which I beg to differ,” she focused on the floor, “but whatever. Then he said he would be seein’ me real soon. Whatever that means.” She looked back up at John and shrugged.

“So long story short, what I wanted to say was, I’m not sure Jenkins is our culprit for those cows being dead. Somethin’ about Malcolm and his brother doesn’t sit straight with me. He was fishin’ for somethin’, but I don’t know what.” Her cheeks were flushed by the time she was finished. Stella felt like she was on trial. Especially with the way everyone just looked at her angrily and didn’t say anything. “You can choose to believe me, or not, but I’m tellin’ you right now somethin’ ain’t right.”

“Damn it.” John looked to his son. “Kayce, what did you find out from Jenkins?”

Kayce watched Stella, who focused on John. She turned her body to face the patriarch, trying to pretend she was anywhere but in the room with them. He announced. “Wasn’t Jenkins.”

Rip mumbled a cuss to himself. That meant they were dealing with a different player; and that player was bigger, and seemingly interested in Stella.

“How do we know it wasn’t him?” John asked.

“I looked him in the eye and it wasn’t him.” Kayce made direct eye contact with his dad.

“I can also attest that he wouldn’t know the first thing about cows or how to kill them.” Stella added.

She finally locked eyes with Kayce. He looked tired. “You okay?” Everyone could tell there was something deeper behind her question. Even though it seemed like she wanted to be out of any room Kayce was in.

“It went fine.”

Stella scowled at him for ignoring her actual question.

“Let me talk to my son please.” John excused the three of them. Stella wasn’t sure what was going on, but if it meant she could escape, she’d take it.

Kayce stayed behind to talk to his father. At first they talked about something Kayce had done in war that had changed him forever. His heart raced just reliving the memory. If he could go back and have it happen differently, he would in a heartbeat. Kayce wanted to leave, but John stopped him.

“What’s going on with you and Stella?”

Kayce sighed. “Nothing dad.”

“Her looking like she was about to claw her way out of the window to get away when you went in on her says otherwise.” John leaned back against his desk smugly. He was almost certain he knew what was coming.

“There is nothing going on between Stella and I. Nothing.” He tried to be stern in his answer to get his dad to stop asking. He was confused as to what was going on himself. He had fucked up. Simple as that.

John stayed quiet and examined his son. Kayce’s face was flushed, and his voice let John know he was confused. If he didn’t know any better, he would say Kayce looked like he was going to panic. He looked like he was in love. That’s how he had looked when he found Evelyn.

Kayce couldn’t take the silence any longer. “Okay fine! We slept together. So what?”

‘Ah. There it was.’ John thought to himself as he breathed out a chuckle. This wasn’t when or how he thought this conversation would come up, but he knew it would cross him one day. “And when was that?”

Kayce looked down. “A few days ago.” He refused to tell his father that it was more than once.

“And you just got back from visiting with Monica? Now I understand why she wanted to leave so badly.” John worked out. He watched as his son squirmed. “How did things go with Monica, by the way? Especially with this new,” there was no real way for him to say this delicately, “development.”

“I don’t wanna talk about it dad.”

“But you’re gonna have to sooner or later.”

“She wants a divorce.”

“What for?”

“A lot of things.”

John crossed his arms. “What are you gonna do, son? Because that woman out there has stood behind you through thick and thin. Even after you broke her, she still made sure you were okay. Didn’t like that you ignored her actual question, but she still did it.”

Kayce got frustrated and slammed his hand against the door. “I don’t know! On one hand Monica is my wife, the mother of my son, the lov—,” he stopped himself. He didn’t know if he was choked up, or if he couldn’t actually bring himself to say it.

“— But?” John interrupted.

“I don’t know, dad. I just — I don’t know.”

Making it to the door, Stella started to pick up her pace. She thought she was home free when her feet hit the porch. She would have been if Rip’s rough hand didn’t grab her elbow. Her shoulders sagged. “Listen I know you’re both angry I didn’t tell you right away, but can one more person not be mad at me today?” She looked down at the floor of the porch. “I have Ryan double mad at me, you, probably Mr. Dutton. Kayce and I are weird right now…,” she trailed off. The list could go if she thought about it hard enough.

“Yeah we noticed.” Ryan informed her crossing his arms.

Stella pulled her lips in. She hoped she had hidden it better than that. ‘Great.’

“Was it really that noticeable?”

Ryan scoffed. “You looked like you wanted to be anywhere but where Kayce was.”

“You didn’t wanna be around him the other night. You were upset about somethin’.” Rip started to put two and two together out loud for Ryan. He didn’t want to be the one to spill the beans. “Somethin’ about you broke your own heart.”

“I was really hoping that you wouldn’t have remembered that.”

“What happened between you two?” Ryan asked. Stella remained quiet with her lips pulled in. “C’mon Stell. You gotta lay it out there at some point.”

She looked out along the dark horizon line and wished she could shrink herself. It was embarrassing enough to have the thoughts run through her own head, let alone say them out loud. Especially to her brother and a man she considered a brother.

“I thought something might have changed between us, but it didn’t. I was just a hopelessly hopeless romantic caught up in my own delusion.” She moved her hands in a ‘giving up’ motion. Her voice came out more quietly than before. “It doesn’t matter.” She stepped toward the stairs. “Can we be done here? Please?”

Kayce came out of the house looking flustered. His gaze landed on Stella and both of them seemed to stop breathing. “Can I talk to you?”

Stella breathed in. “I mean, no,” she blew the breath out, “but you’re gonna keep tryin’ until I let you. So I guess.” She crossed her arms and looked at the other two men. “Can you guys give us a minute? I’ll be right behind you.”

Ryan stepped forward and Rip reached out to stop him from getting too close. He threatened the man responsible for hurting his sister. “You hurt her even more, and everything else you’re going through will be the least of your worries.” Rip grabbed his shoulder to direct him to the horses.

Stella watched them trot off. Ryan gave her one last look and she nodded to him. It was quiet behind her, and she was half expecting Kayce to be gone when she turned around. Holding her head as high as she could, she pivoted around to face him. She fixed her glasses and sniffed. “Well, let’s have it.”

Kayce got a good look at her face. She looked humiliated. He had hurt her badly. He was afraid it was past the point of repair. “I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, me too Kayce.” She looked down, sullen.

“I shouldn’t have come onto you like that. We shouldn’t have done it at all. I ruined a perfectly good friendship.”

“Yeah I know it was a mistake. Is that all you wanted to say? Because I could live without the embarrassment of hearing, let's just pretend this never happened.”

“No. I wanted to tell you Monica and I decided to co-parent, but we can’t go back to each other.”

“Okay that’s great, but now I feel dirty. Like I was just a distraction, which I mean I was. A distraction for you at my expense. I just don’t know if I can get past that.”

Unbeknownst to the two of them, John had snuck out onto his porch to hear how this would play out.

Kayce started, “I understand, but—,” and Stella interrupted him.

“— Do you really have any grounds to stand on to place a ‘but’ in there? I was blinded by the feelings I’ve had for you since we were kids and somehow, whether you realized it or not, you used it to your advantage.” Her eyes stung. “I thought I was always safe with you.” She said in a small voice. “And to find out I wasn’t, hurts. I let you past everything I had put up.” John tilted his head to the side. She had a point. “So I’m gonna go. I just wanna be left alone.” She spun around to make her way down to the bunkhouse.

Kayce stood there defeated. He knew he’d fucked up big time. If she ever talked to him again, he would be surprised. He heard footsteps on the porch. He turned and saw his dad.

“So how are you gonna make this right, son?”

“I’m gonna respect her and leave her be. I’ve already done enough damage.” He walked off and hopped in his truck.

[charlotterhea]

I'm thinking about leaving the English Fandom

At least as a writer.

I've just finished posting the translation of one of my longest fics and... Boy, the feedback is depressing. I've planned to start translating the next long thing but I seriously lack any motivation to do so. Yk, translating is exhausting! I already wrote that story once, I went through it several times, and now I am supposed to engage with it yet again only for that sad outcome of verbal engagement I get in return?!

There is a lot I dislike about the German fandom and the way the German archive works, but the comments... the comments!

And currently, ISEM gets translated into Russian and I sometimes take a look at those comments as well and honestly, almost every poorly translated Russian comment excites me more than the majority of the English ones I get.

Why the heck is that? What is wrong with you English folk that you are so notoriously unable to write some decent comments nowadays? I know this has been different! There were authors writing oneshots for the writer of every 1000. comment they got on a story! 1000!!! I didn't even reach 600 for a 70-chapter-long story! WTF?!

I know, I know, I sound very ungrateful right now, but I'm done with being humble and grateful for a bunch of emojis that get thrown my way. I sit at my desk for hours and hours on end, pour my heart onto empty pages, and bring characters and bad-ass-long plots to life - resulting in stories longer than a couple of the HP books combined! -, and a considerable part of what I get in return is some emojis and a generic thank you?! No! I refuse to be grateful for that any longer! There are enough sympathetic posts around trying to encourage readers to at least leave an emoji or a key smash as a comment and yet I have this story that got over 1300 kudos and has more than 500 subscribers and not even the last fucking chapter, not even the finale gets me more than ten comments!

'Oh, but maybe there will be more soon!' you might say but I assure you: No. Most likely there won't because y'all started treating AO3 like fucking Instagram and the likelihood of somebody commenting on a story older than three of four days is LOW! If I don't churn out story after story after chapter after story I just get no feedback at all anymore although I already wrote all that stuff that is right there waiting to be fangirled about!

And the worst thing is: Those old stories are fangirled about! But not in the comments. When did you begin excluding authors? When did you begin seeing us as some bunch of untouchables instead of the dude next door who is just as insane about the same two to ten blorbos as you are? When did you begin to squeal about stories far away from the authors instead of with them in the comments? Y'all are acting like old stories are lava when it comes to comments! The only way I see that old stuff actually still gets read is by the daily kudo mail.

Really, I wish AO3 would turn off kudos. Kudos are such an easy way out of commenting, and all the 'Let me give kudos for each chapter!' posts are a testament to that. Honestly? No! You don't deserve to give kudos for every chapter. You don't deserve to feel like you've sufficiently done your duty by pressing a fucking button! You deserve to be ashamed of reading amazingly crafted stories for fucking free and not even having the decency to cobble some lousy sentences together when you're done consuming!

Oh, you are shy? Well, Brenda, guess what! I was shy about posting that story as well and yet I did so you had a good time after work! Suck it up! Nobody knows who you are anyway! Fuck, log out and write a guest comment if you really have to!

You don't have time? Well, you bloody well did have time to read the 6k+ words I churned out, so stop whinging about the five minutes it takes to write three sentences of gratitude!

You don't know what to say? Honey, you just read 6k+ words and there is not a single thing on your mind to say about it?! There was not a single line you could copy and say something like 'I laughed out loud at that!' or 'You had me in tears about this!' or 'I couldn't believe he fucking said that!'? Then why are you even reading the story?!

Stop those lame excuses and start commenting on fics! Start showing some fucking gratitude for the work writers do just for you to consume it like a bloody Netflix series! We don't get a single penny for the hours we spend in front of a screen! We cannot earn money with fanfiction! We cannot open commissions to get our rent paid! All we get are comments and most of them are a fucking shame considering the amount of work they are supposed to show appreciation for!

So, if in 2024 you still silently consume stories or keep chicken out of writing a couple of cohesive sentences by throwing some heart emojis in the writer's vague direction you deserve to be robbed of the kudos button and to be ashamed of yourself because you're actively supporting the death of fandoms and with that one of the few free sources of joy we still have. One of the few spaces no corporation uses to squeeze some money or data out of us and I cannot believe that this still has to be spelled out. Fandom is a group project and nobody likes the idiots sitting by, contributing nothing, and still getting all of the benefits.

Phew. I needed to get that out of the system. And now I'll go and contemplate translating another story. But after posting this I probably won't get comments anymore anyway because it's always the wrong people who feel addressed by shit like this.

Well, whatever...

[mrmoonytoonie]

Bendy and the Dark Revival Rant (negative and long)

Idk why I'm making this, maybe for just peace of mind and y'all can bash me in the comments if y'all want or tell me your own opinion if anyone actually reads this stupid thing. Warning I might be all over the place and this isn't scripted so expect foul language and emotion and unprofessional things.

So I'll like to start with that I'm a MASSIVE fan of Bendy and the Ink Machine and have since alpha chapter 1. That game is my childhood and what inspired me to take drawing more seriously.

The "Ink Demon"

So Bendy and the dark revival, literally disappeared and came back out of nowhere lol. I was actually excited and hyped as hell when it was first announced, glad to know Bendy wasn't forever dead (literally sobbed my eyes out when we killed him in chapter 5). But then nothing, no updates, no news, NOTHING, but I still had hope even when everyone was leaving. Then yay the game is here! But my stupidity and something I should have done was that I should have watched the trailer and someone play it to save my money. I got the game when it came out for the PlayStation and immediately played it going in there blind, even though I couldn't even see what I was playing 97% of the time due to it being too dark even with all the house lights off in the middle of the night it was fun at first! Then the fucking "ink demon" part came up, I was so damn excited to see him in better graphics only to have that THING show up. I had to do a double take to see if that was even the ink demon and to my disappointment it was, I'm not going to lie I don't see how people like it, to me it stripped him from all his creativity and made him into a basic ass demon to the point it's not even close to being Bendy related. I'm not gonna lie I did like the voice at first but later its so damn annoying! Like spit that shit out dude, there is no reason for you to do all that! Also how the programmed him is so lazy and annoying and broken "Oh no hide the ink demon is coming", now at first I was excited to have the chase of my life but NOOOOOOOOO, literally just tells you and you hope to God he decides to spawn in where he is supposed to because he will spawn when there isn't any hiding places. Oh and the hiding places are another annoying broken thing, when I'm trying to hide sometimes you have to look at it at a very specific angle and pray it works. Anyways, so at this point we saw little Bendy and ... The Thing, at this point we already know the "big reveal" was that little Bendy is that thing, like anyone should have seen that coming. ALRIGHT so the end, WHAT THE FUCK EVEN IS THE ENDING?! Like why is it just the same ending to BATIM?! Also trying to control Beast Bendy was so damn annoying and wacked! Also what was even his motive? Why the hell did he need Audrey to turn into Beast Bendy? He didn't need it before why need it now? But literally everything gave me more questions then answers and you could have made a better ending than whatever the hell Meetly gave us.

Honestly there is so so much about Bendy and the Dark Revival that I absolutely despise but that would end up making a whole book if I continue so imma just complain on how they massacred my boi. Also if you like BATDR then that's great! I'm glad that people can enjoy things even tho I don't. It's just I feel like I'm going crazy because I don't see anyone else who doesn't like it. Also I didn't expect the game to be easy but it was just so unenjoyable, I was expecting to have the thrill of being chased down hallways and stairs, to fight searchers and the butcher gang, to see old characters that I love and adore only for it to have none of that and just becoming a headache and a broken mess. For someone (Me) who played BATIM over a hundred times to only play BATDR only 3 is just sad. Anyways thanks if anyone reads this, this was just something to help me.

[wxnheart]

Could you legit write birdwatching headcanons with Magnus/Lorgar/Fulgrim? Cause, I started an inside joke with someone on my discord that every cardinal I see I call a Lorgar.

𝐁𝐢𝐫𝐝𝐰𝐚𝐭𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠, 𝟒𝟎𝐊 𝐄𝐝𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧

note: this gif is fucking hilarious. anywho, don't take this seriously. or do. your choice. anywho, hope y'all enjoy!

𝐅𝐮𝐥𝐠𝐫𝐢𝐦

He'd be the Primarch most likely to have a peacock farm (but the Emperor's Children would actually run it because this is Fulgrim we're talking about here).

As for bird watching, well... yeah, good luck keeping his attention for long.

Don't get me wrong, Fulgrim will indulge you. For a moment. Then he's off to do whatever it is Fulgrim does when he's being… Fulgrim.

Your knowledge of birds is admirable but in Fulgrim's mind, there are more interesting subjects to engage with.

Of course, his attitude will change somewhat if he catches sight of a bird he considers striking.

May or may not joke that Sanguinius' presence would attract more beautiful species to look at.

𝐌𝐚𝐠𝐧𝐮𝐬

If you thought Fulgrim was bad, you haven't watched Magnus in action.

The man is horrendously bored. You see it on his face. You see it in his demeanor.

Will more than likely be reading a book or doing something psyker-related while you bird watch, actually.

Probably knows just as much if not more than you about the birds you come across but Magnus is willing to admit that he learned some things from you as well.

Funnily enough, because Magnus sticks out like a sore thumb, he attracts birds (hummingbirds, especially) like a damn magnet.

𝐋𝐨𝐫𝐠𝐚𝐫

Lorgar would absolutely enjoy birdwatching.

He'll wax poetic about how divine nature is and honestly, his words are something to behold.

He'll also listen attentively to you talk excitedly about the birds you come across. You two often have very profound conversations together.

And for a moment, all his worries, fears, and obligations are pushed to the side and he can simply be Lorgar for once.

Of course, it's nice to be away from Kor Phaeron, too. He knows the man doesn't appreciate it when he's doing everything else but what he's supposed to be doing but that's irrelevant at the moment.

[anattemptatmeaning]

Meredith: First Time Caller, Long Time Listener - Chapter Two: Out the Dark

Author Notes: I'll beautify the post later - I'm exhausted and pumped up from a date with my partner and hanging with my homie that I haven't seen in-person close to a year. Crazy, huh? But we kissed! And I've never kissed before! History in the making! Anyways, I figured I'd drop this before life gets in the way again. Not much happens. Apologies. I've literally had all of this chapter written except for the last two paragraphs for weeks if not months now, but best to get it out of the way. I'm so excited for what's to come...the story of Meredith is near and dear to my heart and so help me, I will fight for her. Of course, if you're just seeing this, do read Chapter One: Fire Starting first! It's even shorter and pinned on my blog! ------ Tags: @nocturnest @brittklein18 @silver-spoon-paper-plate @luluartpop @pretty-little-mind33 Yes, I do keep track of y'all and really appreciate that you're giving me a chance. Seriously. Thank you. Please don't think I'm stalking you. Pretty please.

------ Chapter Summary: Without Lemon, Tangerine gets a job of his own. Theme Song: Johnny's Gonna Die - The Replacements

Word Count: 632 -------

Chapter Two: Out the Dark

One week.  One fucking week. 

More than long enough to take a solo job.  Extra income was always a plus. 

Against his better judgement of being fucking proactive like a professional, he couldn’t get the possibility of the whole situation suddenly going tits up off his mind, keeping Tangerine pathetically glued to his seat with the occasional fidget aside, eyes darting from anything akin to a pin drop.  

After hours and still on edge, he’s checked every nook and cranny of the house. 

Nothing bugged. Nothing hiding to ambush. Nothing out of the fucking ordinary.  

He’s unable to stay focused on his novel, the swashbuckling antics of the Three Musketeers only fuelling his panic. He isn’t D’Artagnan at the Bastion de La Rochelle; he’s Milady on trial.

He thought about going to a pub, but he preferred to drink only after a job, and he hadn’t done shit that day.  

“These the Twins?” Deep. Feminine. Mature.

“One of them.”

“I see. Still able to take on new clients?” 

Why the fuck else would you call? “Yeah.” Sarcasm slipped in. He had gotten his fill of impertinent phone calls for the day.

“Perfect.” A tad higher-pitched. Pleasant. Mocking? “In the States, Saint Paul, Minnesota…” 

Saint Paul.

It had been seven years since the Twins had taken their only job there.

It paid 10 million American dollars and he leaped at the chance.

The job was right fucked up. He’d done his share of shit, but Saint Paul made Bolivia child’s play.

That being said, Saint Paul was a big part of why he and his brother were so feared and successful nowadays. And he figured he’d at least spare the decency of never showing up there again.

Until the right business opportunity arose, of course.

“...Central District, there’s a cop, Justin Geoffrey.” 

Justin Geoffrey.

The name was familiar. 

He hadn’t recalled meeting or killing the guy, but it rattled in the back of his head.

“Sparing details, he’s crooked.” Attempting aloofness. Actually aggrieved. “It’s. Personal. I want him dead. I’m willing to pay three million–”

Well, shit. 

“Consider it done. I’ll book a flight to Minneapolis.”

“Good. May I text this number?” More relaxed.

“Yeah.”

The line hung up. Within seconds, he receives a message from a contact identified only by a black-and-white square emoji.

🔲: Save this number and send a photo of Geoffrey’s body here. I’ll complete the wire transfer once you’re done.

The adrenaline coursing from the assignment of a mission pushed him to finally get off his ass and text Lemon.

🍊: Got a job. 

🍋: See? doing something with your time already

🍊: In Saint Paul.

Tangerine knew Lemon would take longer to respond after mentioning that. His foot tapped even quicker.

🍋: Are you okay?

🍊: What kind of question is that? I do the job and come right fucking back. Simple.

🍋: You’re amped up again bruv you’d never go back there

🍊: Until now. Client’s offering three mil

🍋: three mil is fucking insane but maybe this is a trap?

🍊: Wouldn’t they want both of us? And what was that about you not bleeding? Same thing, I’ll handle shit

🍋: I don’t trust this. Seven years and now you get a call from that place?

🍊: We deliberately avoided Minnesota for years, wasn’t fucking blindness

🍋: This is Diesel shit bruv

🍊: Fucking again?

🍋: Just be on the lookout, I don’t like this at all

Tangerine lowered his phone with a huff. He routinely obtained what he needed for the job: ammunition, bulletproof vest, first-aid, holsters, weapons. All-in-all while slamming clothes into his suitcase, he was just relieved to do something of the ordinary in spite of the White Death bullshit.

Justin Geoffrey.

Tangerine clarified he had stolen the right ticket and left the house. ------

"Anger, which, far sweeter than trickling drops of honey, rises in the bosom of a man like smoke." - Homer

[obsidiancreates]

Some thoughts/criticisms of Battle of the Five Armies because I'm back on my Hobbit Movies bullshit

Should've put more screen time (and by "more" I mean "any at all") into Thorin's descent into the Gold Madness/Dragon Sickness. A lot of BotFA feels, to me, a bit... meandering. Like they needed to hit a certain length but weren't fully sure how to fill it (and I think that also shows in how it's the shortest of all 3 movies, at least Extended Edition-wise). We go right from "They all watched Smaug die," to "He's been down there for days and he's as Gold-Mad as Thror." We needed more connective tissue between those scenes- even just a scene of Bilbo noticing Thorin is refusing food, maybe trying to convince him to eat ("Thorin, take your share." "I've no need of it." "You can't live on gold alone, you know, heh, ahem." "We shall see, Master Baggins.") or something like that.

I get why Smaug died in the first twenty minutes. I do! There's both story reasons as well as behind-the-scenes logistical reasons (can y'all imagine what these movies would've been like if they'd had Reasonable Deadlines, less studio pressure, and more ethical cast and crew treatment? It would've fixed any of the CGI issues, they could've cleaned up some of the odd pacing and editing moments, none of those awful "QUICK QUICK QUICK WE'RE ALMOST OUT OF TIME!" moments in the Appendices would've existed... Fuck Warner Bros, man. Peter Jackson obviously had a lot to do with a lot of the unethical overtime and expectations and wasted time/effort, but like Warner Bros also contributed to this Massively). Anyway, I get why Smaug died so early into the movie. But god, I wish he hadn't. Now I haven't read the novel to it's end in about 13 years give or take- I keep picking it up, getting a good ways in, forgetting to continue, and then picking it up and starting over at the beginning- but I remember Smaug's death being a very Little Thing in the book, since it was Third-Person limited (mostly) and Bilbo wasn't in Laketown. I know that this wasn't a moment of Inaccuracy (though honestly I don't mind most of the inaccuracies but that's for another post some other time) but it was a moment of Deeply Unsatisfying Payoff. Again, I understand why! It's kinda unsatisfying in the novel too- frankly, a lot of the ending stuff in The Hobbit is, but you didn't hear that from me, got it? I'm not sure, exactly, what I wish was different about it. Killing Smaug at the end of Desolation wasn't really a viable or satisfying option either, and focusing more on Laketown would've gotten tedious and repetitive- only so much Burning and Screaming can be made into Watchable Cinema at one time. I think perhaps a larger focus on Gandalf and his experiences with Sauron could've worked here- especially if Sauron is somehow Aware of Laketown falling and uses this to mock and torment Gandalf, speaking of how the quest of the dwarves has truly failed and Middle-Earth is soon to fall the same way- but again, I understand why they didn't do that, that's just a lot of Ian McKellen sitting in a birdcage getting Taunted by an Eyeball. So I don't know what I would've had them change, and I think a not insignificant amount of this Dissatisfaction is unavoidable given the glossed-over nature of the very same plot point in the book. But it's still saddening, especially since they nailed Smaug so well and he's such a fun villain to watch on screen. Azog... a good deal less so.

Bro we couldn't have had one line where they were like "OH GOD FILI KILI BOFUR AND OIN ARE STILL DOWN THERE!" when they were watching Laketown burn? One show that someone remembered FOUR OF THEIR PARTY IS STILL THERE?!

Some of the line deliveries in this movie were an... interesting, choice, to make into the final cut. I'll chalk it up to Those Damn Studio Deadlines, though.

I know I already talked about this but SERIOUSLY WHERE WAS THE CONNECTIVE TISSUE OF THORIN'S MADNESS, IT AIN'T EVEN IN THE EXTENDED THE EXTENDED IS MOSTLY THE ACTUAL BATTLE (plus the Best Scene In The Movie where Balin alludes to Bilbo to keep the Arkenstone hidden forever, which it's a crime that was left out of the theatrical by the way).

Yeah okay the Kili and Tauriel parting at the shore was kind cliched and acted weird. Again I'll chalk it up to The Deadlines.

If we could've have had the Connective Tissue scene(s), I wish the reunion with Bofur, Oin, Fili, and Kili had been a proper scene and not just a quick cutaway. It would've been a great opportunity to catch them and the audience up on Thorin's condition and how he got to that state, as well as establish how The Company In General feels about it earlier into the movie.

Again, I know why they didn't... but even a hint that the Madness was taking the other Dwarves at least a little bit would've been nice. I truly feel that, by the time of The Ramparts, the party was at a point where at least 1 or 2 of them would've decided to go with Bilbo, and a hint that they're all slightly under the spell of the gold in the way Thorin is would've really made their decision to all 12 of them stay behind make more sense. Yes, Thorin is their king and their leader and their friend and Dwarves are known to be very loyal- but Bilbo has stood in as a leader, rescuer, and friend often enough that I think one or two of the party, in their own fully right minds, would've chosen to go with him, especially after witnessing such a horrific display from Thorin.

The pacing of the movie in general Needs Some Help, that can't go unsaid- but again, Those Damn Deadlines. The amount of palpable stress from the crew in the Appendices is genuinely stressful and heart-wrenching, and I blame the majority of my issues with this movie- and the other two- on Warner Bros being completely unreasonable with their time expectations. Especially since they pushed this 2-movie project into being 3 movies, like Fuck off, Warner Bros.

GOD I WISH MORE OF THE RING STUFF HAD CARRIED OVER FROM DESOLATION. Like again I get why it didn't, this movie kind of takes some of the focus off Bilbo and uses that extra attention on Thorin and Bard and Legolas, which I enjoy. But still, The Ring Moments in Desolation were so good, and the effect The Ring had on Bilbo in Desolation is not unlike the effect the gold has on Thorin- but Bilbo is better at fighting it. It would've been nice to see something done with that, especially as Thorin was falling to madness and Bilbo maybe recognized some of the signs from his own experiences like the one in Mirkwood. But also THE RING STUFF WAS SO COOOOOOLLLLLLLLL I WANT MORE OF ITTTTTTTTTTTTTT

[ayoharuko]

hey hey! Do you mind doing an nsfw alphabet with toko fukawa?

male or GN reader either is fine

bye bye!

Hello and yes of course! I hope u like this its actually my first time writing something nsfw ahahaha~

Also this takes place without any of the despair stuff happening! I hope u don't mind that, Also its a mix of GN and male reader :3

I hope u enjoy this :3

REMINDER: This character does belong to me, They belong to Kazutaka Kodaka and this is all fictional so try not to take this too seriously :3

WARNINGS: Blood is mention, a little hardcore oof I went a little too overboard and lots of unholy stuff. I’m not lying this made me feel butterflies -//- 

Also minors this is NSFW content so kindly please don't interact.

NSFW Alphabet with Toko Fukawa(and a hint of Genocide Jill/Jack)~!

A= Aftercare(How they take care of their partner after doing the deed)

- Well...its kinda complicated...if its toko..she’ll probably help you clean the bed and take a bubble bath with you! But if its Jill...well..Jill might probably fall asleep on you tbh sorry-

B= Body Part (their favorite of theirs & their partner)

- Toko’s favorite part of her body is....her hands! What? isn’t it obvious why? So she can fuck and tease you with it duh~ and write her romance novels of course~

As for Jill...she loves...her tongue! Obvious answer of course..so she can suck you dry and gag you with her tongue when y'all kiss :3

Toko’s favorite part of your body is.....your hands too! Actually its for the sole purpose of wanted you to jerk off infront of her but we don't talk about that do we-

Jill’s favorite part of you body is....your neck! Reason is to mark you, choke you and to imagine her accidentally slitting you with her scissors(mommy? sorry mommy? sorry-)

C= Cum (anything to do with it)

- Toko is a pillow princess but also a sub so she would love it if you cum on her face...it turns her on even more...as for her cum..she wants to cum on your face too~! 

Jill would wanna have you swallow her cum. Thats all.

D= Dirty Secret

- Toko reads these erotic books and she would love to try some new stuff out....but she's just a little too shy to tell you about that...

Meanwhile Jill wants to do blood and gun play with you. But! she cares for you and doesn't want to see you hurt so she’ll just fantasize about it for now~

E= Experience 

- They both have none.

F=  Favorite Position 

- For toko it would be missionary since it feels soo romantic!

For Jill its riding you since she feels soo in control~

G= Goofy (are they serious or humorous in bed)

- Toko’s not goofy at all. She takes this very seriously and loves you a lot so she actually thinks of this as love making instead

Jill however...she would make little jokes here and there but noting else~

H= Hair(Are they clean down there?)

- Yes toko loves to keep herself well cleaned and pretty just for you!(Although she's already pretty :3)

I= Intimacy(How are they during the deed?)

- Toko is romantic and sensitive all the while softly looking at you...praising you and giving you all the love you deserve as well<3

Jill is rough and passionate. She’ll kiss you until you lose air in your lungs, she’ll bite you, mark you, everything....because you belong to her after all...your only her pretty/cute boy right~?

J= Jack off(masturbation hc)

- Toko doesn't have time to. She's busy with writing and only wants to do it with you.

K= Kink(Kinks that they have?)

- Toko: Oral sex, Shower/tub sex, Anal sex(Receiving) BDSM, Orgasm Control, Orgasm  Denial and Overstimulation

Jill: Anal sex(Giving), BDSM, Blood play, ropes/handcuffs, Orgasm Control, Orgasm Denial and Overstimulation

L= Location(Places they wanna have sex in)

- Toko would only have sex with you only in the comfort of your bedroom or in her office, Doing it outside is a big NO

Jill however is the queen of outdoor sex. If toko accidentally sneezed at something and let her out she’ll drag you to a near almost no people space and fuck aka milk your cock there

M= Motivation (turn ons etc)

- Toko finds it hot whenever your half naked...your nipples...she wants to bite them....

She also finds it hot whenever you would whisper dirty stuff to her~

Everything you do turns Jill on tbh, But mostly its when you act so damn cute...she loves cute boys remember? So if you don't wanna get your ass and cock fucked stop acting cute >:(

N= NO (turn offs, deal breakers, things they wont do ever etc)

- For toko and Jill food play is a Nono as well as Somnophilia they both want you to be awake while one of them fucks you till your dry :(

O= Orgasm Denial(how do they do it, do they like it done to them)

- Toko LOVES being denied getting to cum...she loves the pain and pleasure it brings her poor poor pussy~

Jill is the opposite however you are the one whose not gonna be cumming for maybe at least an hour or 2, sorry! Jill loves seeing your cock switch and watching you cry~

P= Pace(Are they soft or rough?)

- Toko loves fast and rough but mostly slow and sensual<3

Jill is fast, hard and rough~. Even when your already cumming so hard she'll keep going until she's satisfied~

Q= Quickie(where, how often, do they like them)

- They both LOVE THEM, Why you ask? Well toko Is sometimes so busy that she almost doesn't have time for you....so she makes up for it with sucking your cock fast and hard :)

R= Risk(experiments, do they like pushing themselves/their s/o)

- Experimenting is fine with toko and Jill but their main concern would be you they don't want you to do something that you don't wanna do...its not just about feeling good its also about making love to each other ;3

S= Stamina(How long can they last?)

- Toko can last up until to 2-3 rounds until she's done and passes out while Jill can last...actually she can last the whole night-

T= Toys(do they own any, do they use them, how often, where)

- Yes...toys are a MUST

Its used for prepping your ass(SORRY LMFAO) and also for...more kinky purposes~ >;3

U= Unfair(how do they tease)

- They both love to tease....if your tied up...sorry edging, overstimulation and toys are present. Good luck on not cumming I guess?

V= Volume(how loud, what do they sound like, what sounds they make)

- Toko is a little shy about her sounds so its up to you to bring out her cute little sounds~

Jill is very very loud...she would be yelling ‘’Oh fuck! Yea! Ohhh keep, keep going!’’ I hope your walls are soundproof....

W= Wild Card(random NSFW hc)

- Toko: At one point she probably jerked off while reading an erotic novel...she just got so into it ok!?

Jill:....no.....I'll get banned if I say what shit this girls done-

X= X-ray(what do they have going on under their clothes)

Sorry idk how to write this T-T

Y= Yearning(how often to they think of sex, how long can they go without it etc)

- She can’t....she's a fucking animal in heat sometimes tbh but she can probably hold on for at least 4 days without you but once she can touch you again...best believe that your cock’s gonna get destroyed :D

Z= Zzz(how quickly do they fall asleep, do they snuggle, etc) 

- Toko would first take a bubble bath with you(we all know y'all have bathtub sex) and then she’ll Snuggle her head o your chest and fell asleep~

Jill falls asleep instantly...I don't make the rules~!

DONEEE 

I had so much fun writing this! Thanks a lot for sending the request~

If there are any spelling or grammatical mistakes sorry about that! My editors are on a break and I don't really wanna disturb them :3 

I hope u like this~!

Reblogs and Feedback/Comments are always appreciated! :3

[azreilrain]

Should i like post my fanfictions here aswell, none of my readers in Wattpad are commenting shit about my writing, aside from my 4 or 5 favorite children there, i seriously just reached 1k reads it means a lot to me and all those bitches did not do shit just liked it and moved on

They aren't passersby either I've interactes with some of my books wtfffffff, yesterday i was just at a pilgrimage i visited 8 different churches and now i feel like commiting 60 felonies at one second

I am going to remember this day as my most hated day in the history of my existence in this earth

At least y'all here are honest and just straight up say your mind if you hate something even if it's hurtful to me.

Because i appreciate honesty, i like it when people give me feedback on how to better improve my writing and don't get me wrong i love everyone who reads my books and they are absolutely welcome to shit talk me with what ever the fuck their opinion is, because it's theirs and if i see they are right i won't be offended i will suck my pride up my ass and Actually correct my mistakes, i will change something if it makes other people uncomfortable because i am a writer and if you like this aspect of my story and you don't like the other one i can make changes to better fit everyone reading

Now that i got that off my chest i can finally go back to scrolling in Pinterest to search for inspirations to continue writing

06/26/2024

[strigital]

hey there, handsome beans. how are y'all?

bet y'all were wondering where tf Meg's gone again. to make long and complicated story short: a few physical illnesses followed by a severe mental crysis followed by more sickness followed by more mental problems. there was, among other things, an autistic breakdown which as we know doesn't go away easily. i will be severely honest with you guys. i do not know how i am still alive, given how horribly suicidal some of these days are. i suppose having pets does make a difference - no matter how selfish the suicidal ideation is it never manages to overpower the motherly need to love and protect these small creatures that so wholly depend on you not just for food, water and shelter, but for companionship as well… Belle, despite having only been out of shelter for like three moths, has been working her little butt off trying her damnest to convince me that i am needed: from following me everywhere like a shadow to crying like a child whenever there's a closed door between us… anyways, what was i talking about? ah yes… the horrific state both my mind a body ended up in. i honestly have no idea where this all came from. it was like one day it was sunny and calm and the next morning i woke up in the aftermath of a severe hurricane, ruin and corpses all around me. perhaps it was all brewing for a long time and i simply failed to notice the telltale signs. after all, there's no smoke without fire. there must've been a trigger. a final drop, a straw that broke the camel's back. sometimes it felt like a horror film, full of terrible thoughts and feelings that paralise you in a fetal position in the corner of your bed and keep you there hostage for days on end. some other days there would be flashes of unexplainable happiness that lasted barely a few hours and left you feeling panicked. most days there would be this prevailing feeling of numbness that wouldn't allow you to eat, let alone take care of daily chores. i've been having severe nightmares. i've plunged my body into a state of starvation. i've turned my home into a horror house of dirt and clutter. i'm failing behind in college and my boss at work is extremely unhappy with my productivity. i've lost ability to feel time: days muddle together, all i ever feel is a desire to sleep all the fucking time.

worst of all is that i cut contact with my closest people, among them - my dearly beloved husband, who still fights cancer on the other side of the planet, wondering where his useless wife gone. i've decided that it would be better for all of them, especially my hubby, to not see me in this condition. that the best i can do for them is to remove myself from their already busy lives and free them from any heartache i may cause, me being out of my mind and all. i did, however, used the very last of my strenght to reach out, to try and call for help… the suicide prevention line was a fucking joke that left me even more desperate than i was before i contacted them. i did, however, join a local autistic group on facebook and lurked there quietly, absorbing their experiences and sifting through for any sliver of hope. and i foud it. a doctor, who may just be the only specialist on adult autism in this entire country. getting an appointment with her was a small war in of itself. and she will cost me a lot of money… but as of right now i feel like she is the only person who can pull me off of the edge, before i tumble over and plummet into the abbyss. 29th of november i will sit my ass on a train and ride to another city to meet her. i pray to whatever will listen that she will take me seriously because neither my current psychiatrist nor my psychologist do. anyone i tried talking to these past two months on the matter of my crisis never offered me any help, only useless advice like "you should talk to a priest" or "have you tried reading a self-help book?". i'm drowning over here, karen, a priest and a book will only be of use during my funeral… the meds have become useless, even when i double or triple dosage.

most of all my heart aches for my husband. he tried calling me a few times yet i was too broken and lost in the dark to even have the courage to call back. i know i have no right to scream for help to a person who had been at war with a third stage cancer for almost three long difficult years. but i am teethering on the edge. i feel like that tiny hedghehog from an old soviet cartoon - lost in a thick fog, calling out for someone, anyone, looking for a way out. and the fact that no one understands or tries to understand hurts even more. the only one's who do are those anonymous people on facebook, fighting similar battles to mine. and when i read a letter from an anonymous mom who, like me, reached her breaking point and cut off any contact with her family in preparation for a final act and she only writes on facebook to find someone, anyone, to tell her what she truly needs and wants to hear in order to swerve off of this path of self-destruction i cannot help but feel an odd likeness to hope. i am not alone. but these people, those like me, simply do not exist within an arm's reach… god almighty, i so so hope the doctor will fix me. i am so tired waking up everyday with a desperate desire to die and walking all day with an invisible noose on my neck which only grows tighter every day.

i will go now and try to record a longwinded voice message for my husband… again. i will try my bestest to apologise, to try to explain, to ask for help. but how do you even begin to explain that your life so suddenly, so abruptly and seemingly our of nowhere became an open bleeding rotten sore, that only grows everyday, infecting more and more of your soul? i don't know. i never had this kind of crisis before in my life and, as if by some cruel divine joke, right now i have no family, no friends to turn to, beside my cat and my dog.

i will not ask of you to pray for me nor wish me luck. y'all have your own busy, messy lives. i only ask that you take care of yourself and your loved ones, so nothing like that ever happens to you or them. trust me when i say that no one will believe you, because this wound is invisible. they will tell you to feel grateful for having two arms and two legs and a roof over your head. meanwhile you will slowly rot away until one day they'll gasp: "how did this happen? they were such a happy person, nothing was wrong in their lives!" that's so fucking unfair, but it is the world we live in. and i know that oversharing like this on the internet is an incredibly stupid thing to do, but… i don't know. maybe another person with similar hardships in their life will read this and realise that they are not the black sheep of the human species and that shit like that happens to others too. i know this thought brings some very mild comfort to me, so maybe it will also brings some to them.

so stay strong, my beans. god knows i'm trying to. love you all and, hopefully, see you in the near future again with memes and stuff,

-- Meg K.