#like people who say that dream DIDNT have a crazy obsession with him drives me crazy that was like 3/4 of dreams character WDYMMMM

[cloverstellar]

insane to me that some people still think that you can say ctommy and cdream are separate and should be viewed separately narratively speaking when a big chunk of the dsmp’s story was driven through cdream’s obsession with ctommy. no im not saying cdream was in the right but its no fun to see people water them down to just cdream using ctommy as a side piece and less like an objective he had to conquer and subdue to fit his regime. or turn around and say ctommy’s story did not revolve much around the abuse he sustained from that in the same breath because it DID and. man. man

[prisonguards]

FR!!! Like oh my GOD I didnt even ship smallidarity before likeeeee I was just your average flower husbands fan, and I wanted to stick hard to the whole boundary compliance thing because I was part of dsmp twt for a year and. Well. That should say enough, iykyk. But then Joel just kept obsessing over Jimmy, Jimmy kept simping for Joel, and then the entire thing with the "he's just sooo cuuuute" and "can we just compare the size difference again, its my favorite thing ever" and whatever the fuck fixating on the noise Jimmy made was and it was like. Well. Bro. BRO. THEEEEN the having a CHILD together thing happened and I just fell into shipping them immediately from E2 alone. And now I'm watching E1 and I'm gonna rewatch 100h hardcore because your blog has just made it Worse.

This has been an entire tangent but the tldr is I didn't ship smallidarity until Joel was absolutely unbearable and obvious over just how much the cuteness aggression he gets over Jimmy Gets To Him.

Also I see your tags and I bring you this: in watching E1, am I insane or is the whole "Katherine was his first ally but I am his BEST ally, I will call her a coward and get genuinely angry at her for not going to the lengths I will to protect Jimmy" give off possessiveness. Not possessiveness as in jealousy, ownership, or anything like that but more in the sense that he takes great pride in being the one who takes care of Jimmy best, so to speak and to be the one who protects him when he needs it. This isn't really related at all to what you said but I'm doing my best and it's 6 AM as I write this, I have not slept and I should cut myself off before I spout even more nonsense.

- life series anon

ANON I LUV YOU AUSGEUE. I hope you get some good sleep friend aaueghd

I think that happened to a lot of people :3 smallidarity like was ramping up all season thanks to enemies to lovers being such a popular trope/dynamic but its Exploded in popularity lately and Im so thankful for that!!! whether it be from Joels fawning or their. insanity inducing innuendoes. the more fans the merrier ^—^

IM SO GLAD MY MADNESS HAS GOTTEN U TO WANNA REWATCH 100 HOURS :3c !!! its a comfort series for me for sure. and the episodes with Jimmy in them are. absolutely the best. ep 4 is one of my favorite episodes of anything ever. and if you want more Joel fawning over Jimmys cuteness…

YESSSSSS YES.. I ADORE THEM IN EMP S1!!! their dynamic is so unique there because of how wholly and overwhelmingly soft/positive it is. theyre allies from the start and BEST allies… auuughh.. yesshh Joel gets sooo defensive over Jimmy in s1 its beautiful. how quick he is to go absolutely murder mode for Jimmy. but how quick he is to be soft for him too. SIGGHHHHH. its my dream fr. the possessiveness.. YES.. theyre just SO important to eachother and it drives me crazy. he treats Jimmy so special. the way that he has little rooms for just Jimmy and Lizzie in his palace… the special roles they both hold… his wife and his best friend… there is def such a special connection there. and the possessiveness, Jimmy has so many more allies and close allies than Joel does. Joel just enforcing and affirming his station and specialness to Jimmy every once and a while.. by insulting his other allies augshs.. augh.. I just love them

also, for anyone else mulling over boundaries still; if you want specifics he just said he finds it “a bit weird” and iirc he didnt really say you cant do it. he just doesnt get it cause hes such a wifeguy. if youre concerned you can still tag it properly/keep it out of main tags. but if he was Really upset by it he would Not be encouraging and escalating it, and making the jokes he does, and putting them in his videos, and liking comments people make about them, and the tweets he makes, and and and and… if people are harassing u on behalf of him, they dont really care about what hes comfortable with, they just wanna punch down at someone. I get wanting to be respectful, but Ive also seen it used for such cruelty 💔 so I think the most important thing to keeping everyone, including the creators themselves, happy is to keep things to the right tags and spaces and being kind to yourself and others and blocking what you need and keeping out of peoples business.

[mendesbhraanth]

Hi beautiful sending you love mwah 😘😘 just wanted to know if you can write something were you hear Shawn talk badly about you so you distance yourself. Please.

Thank you so much for requesting!! 😘😘

Pairing : Shawn x y/n

Warnings : language and angst

Word count : 2.8 k

The first thing you heard when you opened the door to Shawn's condo was basically loud laughter of people including your boyfriend's. You just came back from work, a bit earlier than usual because shawn had been complaining about how he doesn't get to spend time with you because work has been crazy for you and you had a lot of files to finish and you were hella tired of your boss being a complete asshole, who never lets anyone stay home and he was no different to you. Anyways you were not at all aware of the fact that he had guests over.

The sound was coming from the living area of Shawn's penthouse apartment and apart from Shawn's, you recognised the laughter as Brian's, and Connor's. A small smile creeped on your face. You absolutely adored Shawn's friends so you walked towards the living to say 'hi' to them.

You were close enough to hear what they were talking about when your legs came to halt at the mention of you name.

"So how's life with y/n? Tour's over....You're free and now that y/n is staying with you, you must have a lot of cheesy things to say" Connor said whilst laughing.

"Oh yeah I actually do but not right now because why the hell would you mention my so called clingy girlfriend?" Shawn said and Brian laughed so loudly at that but your heart stopped.

"What??! What are you saying?!?" Connor said because shawn has been the most "I'm obsessed with my girlfriend and she is my goddess!!" Type of guy he had ever met.

"I said y/n is extremely clingy and annoying and I don't have anything good to say about her right now so please stop talking about that hoe!!" Shawn said and started laughing like crazy with Brian. Both of their laughs clouding your mind. You just stood there not able to comprehend anything.

You turned around silently, grabbed your keys and left the apartment in the same clothes you came in.

You got in your car and started driving slowly. You were now driving to nowhere for about 30 mins.

The moment you processed the words shawn said you slammed the break and your head came down on the stearing wheel with a plasticy bang.. must have been painfull.. ow poor y/n.

Did he really say that?!? Does he think I'm an annoying clingy hoe?!? Hell! "HE" was the one who wanted me to stay home and spend time with 'HIM'!! And I'm clingy?!? Is this the guy you've been in love with for what? Like 3 years?!! How could he call you a hoe!?! Why would any boyfriend disrespect his girlfriend like that??!? This is the worst day ever!!

All these thoughts were knocked out from your mind by a loud honking sound. You were basically in the middle of a road and by now, there were tons of cars parked behind you. Wow! You just created a big traffic block in the middle of Toronto city. Go you!! *Claps of sarcasm*

You quickly turned around and took another route to make your way back to Shawn's apartment like nothing happened. Haha asshole! but sometimes you gotta act like you weren't the cause of a huge ass traffic block..

You didn't know exactly why you were going back. To lay it onto him?? To get your things?? I don't know but you got home with slouched shoulders and an emotion less face.

You were about to reach and open the door when Shawn opened the door and a bright smile appeared on his face on seeing you which almost made you forget about the things he just said. Eh but not really.

"Baby!!!! I missed you so much today!!" He said and went in for a hug and you hugged him back it was as if someone was clawing at your heart.

"I'm just gonna walk these guys out and I'll be back in a second okay? You get freshened by then" He said sweetly but right now his words seemed anything but sweet!

How dare he say that to them and then act like nothing happened?? That too infront of them?!?! Which speaking of-!

"Hey y/n!!!" Connor and Brian said at the same time and both hugged you and you silently hugged them back, with a fake smile that could basically convince anyone but not Shawn.

"You guys go ahead I'll come in a sec" he said and turned to you.

"Okay then Bye y/n" they both bid their goodbyes and made their way to the lift.

"Hey what happened baby? Any problem with your boss??" Shawn asked tilting your chin up to look you in the eyes.There was evident hurt in them.

You were debating to weather tell him or push him away but you didn't choose any of that.

"Yeah..had a bad day at work"

"Aww baby you go inside and sit down okay! I'll be back after properly saying goodbye to the guys and you can tell me all about your day. Alright?" He asked sweetly but it sounded like straight up sarcasm to you but you chose not to call him out right now.

He gave you a short peck and there he goes ....'probably gonna talk more shit about me' you thought to your self which and it made you feel like your heart was stabbing itself.

You went inside and sat yourself on the couch. The same couch where the love of your life talked shit about you being a clingy hoe. (Sorry I'm just over dramatic 😅)

About 5 mins later shawn came in and sat by your side.

"What happened baby?? What did your crazy boss do this time?" He asked while taking your hand in his and slowly stroking the back of your hand with his other hand but you didnt move.

"Nothing..just the usual..I have...work...just...I-!...I'm going to take a shower" you said. A slight frown appeared on Shawn's face. But he understood....some days you were like this when work really stressed you out.

'Maybe she doesn't wanna talk about it' he thought.

"Okay baby" he said and you stood up from the couch and before you walked 4 steps shawn caught your hand and pulled you into him.

He craddled your face in his warm huge palms that always made you melt like it wasn't even a big deal at all and kissed your lips sweetly.

You kissed him back but pulled away quicker that shawn would have liked which caused a small pout on his perfectly soft pink lips and all you wanted to do was kiss it away so that's what you did but quickly reminding yourself that he thinks your a clingy hoe and pulling away again.

"Let me kiss my girl properly first" he said smiling at you and you'd be lying if you said it doesn't do things to you even if your upset with him. How could he do this?!? One time he's saying he hates you and now he's all over you as if he really is?!?

"I'm tired shawn I wanna take a shower" you said while planting the same fake smile on your face. He frowned at you and them pulled you into a hug and you only dropped your hands low...not embracing the hug.

"Want me to join?' he asked playfully smirking at you and it literally made you feel all sorts of way but you knew it was all an act and he just.. thought you were a hoe.

"No I'm really tired shawn" you said now turning around and walking to the bathroom with tears forming real quick in your eyes.

"Okay... baby I'll start preparing dinner then" he said and you didn't fail to pick up the hurt in his voice. But why??? He doesn't care at all!! What a great ass actor?!? Your seriously doubting if you dreamed all that. But nah...its real..he hurt you.

You took a long ass shower washing yourself and feeling all your emotions get warmed up by the warm water and you just...started crying. You cried silenty under the shower where one couldn't distinguish tears from water. Maybe you were clingy. But that's only because you love him but why would he call you a HOE!?! Why?? Why would he disrespect you like that?? After 3 years of relationship, was your love for him making you look like a hoe??

After you got out of the shower, usually you would've just put on one of Shawn's hoodies and then go chill on the couch but today you just.. couldn't bring yourself to wear his clothes. So you put on one of your band t-shirts and some shorts and walked to the kitchen where Shawn had already prepared and put out dinner on the table and was waiting for your company.

He came to you with a toothless smile on his face which quickly dropped by half when he noticed you weren't wearing one of his clothes..but he didn't let it bother him that much or let's say... tried to act like it didn't bother him as much as it did. You still noticed it though..and it gave you a weird feeling.

He hugged you which again you didn't return.

"You smell so good!" He said pulling away from the hug and you gave him your half assed fake smile AGAIN.

Shawn was fully aware that something was wrong but he thought you'd tell him while having dinner.

He led you to the table and pulled the chair out for you like he always did and you both sat down to have dinner.

Awkwardness was all around the table.

You did not talk at all and even though shawn tried his best and asked you stuff to get you to talk about what's wrong or let's say..make it less awkward, all your replies were just..yes, no and silence.

After dinner you washed your plate and mumbled a goodnight that didn't feel like it was to ANYONE and went to sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It went like this for a few days.. you being extra awkward to Shawn and purposely avoiding him and distancing yourself from him and being really down. He was really sad and hurt and frustrated because he would ask you whats the matter and you would either tell him "nothing" or just shrug your shoulders. You didn't even look him in the eyes anymore. Shawn was really really confused and even more worried.

Well how could you talk to him?!? After all he called you clingy and annoying which means he doesn't want you around and also he called you a hoe.

One day Shawn came back from the studio and saw you reading a book on the couch. A small smile creeped on his face knowing that you were reading some sort of romance novel.

"What are you doing?" He asked while coming and sitting next to you.

You were pretty lost in the book so you did not see him coming in.

"Oh just a stupid book haha... I have to get back to work now.." you said and got up to leave only to walk two steps and stop at the mention of your name.

"Y/n" you turned around to see Shawn now standing up from the couch with a very hurt look on his face.

"I don't know why but I noticed that you've been purposefully avoiding me for a few days..why are you doing that?? What did I do??please talk to me.." He asked now looking straight into your eyes and you could see right in his eyes that he was hurt.

"What? I don't know what your talking abou..-!" You were cut of by Shawn showing his palm infront of your face.

"Y/n stop...you know what you've been doing.....Is it me?? Did I do anything wrong?? Please talk to me.....you can always talk to me you know" he said now reaching for your hand but the moment his hand touched you you shook it away and backed off like he attacked you or something.

Shawn looked at you as if his heart just broke.

"No shawn..you should've thought about that before calling me a clingy, annoying hoe" you said for once and stormed in your bedroom slamming the door shut.

Shawn followed right behind you and got the door shut right on his face.

"What are you talking about-!? I- I-..! Dont understand! I never called you any of that!" Shawn said now leaning on the door.

"Stop fucking lying shawn I heard you talking with connor and Brian that day and you called me all those things!!" You barked from the other side of the door.

"Shit! Baby I can explain! Please open the door for me! I swear I didn't mean for you to hear it!" He said now banging on the door.

"Of course you didn't! And Explain what?!? That I'm being delusional and maybe even say some half assed lies?? How did I ever believe that you love me?!? Maybe I am clingy...But you called me a hoe!!"

"No baby please listen! I know it would've sounded so very wrong but just wasn't being serious! We were just joking around and I said that" he tried to explain and it did not even harm a hair of your anger.

"Haha what are you saying shawn?! That would never convince anyone! Try harder with your lies and leave me the fuck alone!" You said.

"Baby please believe me.. you are the most gorgeous and amazing women I've ever met and I could never ever say such things about you! I love you! Please believe me!" He said with tears threatening to spill from his eyes.

"I wish I could believe you shawn..but I actually heard this with my own ears.." you said.. now wiping your own tears.

"Please open the door for me I will explain it all please just...hear me out!" He said now bringing his hands to his face to catch the spilling tears.

You opened the door to him kneeling on the floor. You sat next to him resting your back on the wall.

After a few seconds he came and sat next to you..... Both of you staring at whatever that was ahead of you.

"Explain" you said.

Shawn wiped his tears and started talking.

"So...that day..you went to work and connor and brian came over and we were chatting on the couch and you know how connor loves you and me together like he ships us so hard haha so me and Brian were just pranking him and joking around so I just said I don't like you to prank connor....it sounds so fake...I know but that's the truth..I should've never said that..even if it was a joke I'm so sorry baby. You can even call Brian or Connor right now and ask them if you don't believe me " he said

By now you felt almost dizzy..you're so dumb!! 😬..you were making such a huge ass deal about this. OMG you're so stupid!! Wtf?? How could you be so stupid?? Like..all of this would've never happen if you just opened your mouth and talked to your boyfriend!!!!

"I..-! I'm sorry" you said, looking at Shawn who was already looking at you.

"I'm so so sorry baby I thought you didn't love me anymore I mean..I know I'm not that good looking and you could basically have any girl you wanted and I just-! I'm so sorry!! Ya know I always am terrified that one day I'll wake up and you don't love me anymore and I just-.... I should've just talked to you about this. Shit! I'm so stupid this is all my fault!!" You were full on crying right now and shawn just pulled you to his chest while you cried.

"Hey Don't say that!! You're the most beautiful girl I've ever laid eyes on and I can't even imagine living a life where you hate me and it's okay bubba I mean..if I was you this is exactly how I would've acted but from now on ..please talk to me if I did something that upsets you....I hate it when we cry" shawn said cracking a small smile.

"I'm sorry again" you said pouting your lips only for shawn to grab your face and kiss your frown away replacing it with a genuine smile, Something that has been lacking from your face for the past few days.

"It's alright now do you wanna make dinner or get Mc Donalds??"

You smiled at your sweet boy. He already knew the answer.

"Mc Donalds it is!"

[fiftyshadesgrl]

Consumed part 7

(Y/n)'s pov

I cant believe i agreed to a night out with dean, well not just dean cause sam would be there but still. I put on pair of faded ripped jeans and a red strapless top, it laced up in the back like a corset which i loved then i slid on my black wedges. I done my makeup and checked myself three times before i walked out to the living room.

Deans jaw dropped and he didnt try to hide it, sam looked at me and gave me a thumbs up. I grabbed my black clutch bag and placed my cell phone inside. "Ready?" I tried to hide my nervousness as i walked out on the porch. After sam and dean came out behind me i turned and locked the door.

"Whos ride we taking?" Sam asked, i shrugged as dean jingled his keys in front of us. After we all climbed in the impala dean set off down the street.

"Theres a place ive been to a couple times, about ten minutes away." I say from the back seat. Dean nods and i direct him to where bullys bar and grill is. There was only two other cars parked in front of bullys, but it was before 8 pm so of course it hasnt started up yet.

As we walk in i see one of my good friends who happens to be the bartender behind the bar. "Hey dex!" I say to him as i slap my hand on the bar.

"Hey darlin' long time no see. Whereve you been?" He walks over and pour a glass of whiskey for me, my usual.

"Just busy with work and everything." I say, i motion to sam and dean, "dex this is sam and his brother dean. Guys this is dex."

Sam nods but dean just glares at him. I nudge deans arm and clear my throat. Dean straightens up and says, "two beers and a bottle of whiskey." Dex nods politely and brings dean and sam their drinks.

"Hows life been dex? I havent seen you in months." I ask him as he leans on the var in front of me.

"Ah," he shrugs, "been going through alot of changes here lately but other than that the same old thing."

"What kind of changes?"

He shakes his head, "nope my secret will be revealed all in good time."

I smile widely at him, "ohhhh, sounds like someone has a lady friend." I wiggle my finger at him.

He laughs, "something like that." Someone signals him at the end of the bar, he promises to be right back and i just nod. Dean grabs my arm and twirls me on my stool to where im facing him.

"What the hell dean?" I jerk away from him.

His eyes stare daggers at me but i dont wilt under his green eyes. "No, what the hell was that? You fucking the bartender now?"

I furrowed my brows, "what!? No! Even if i was its none of your business."

He squinted his eyes at me but sam spoke up before we made a scene. "Come on, we came out to have fun. Can you two at least be civil for just a fee hours?"

"I was being civil until this ass decide to start something." I said as i turned back around.

I saw from the corner of my eye sam placed a hand on deans shoulder and whisper something to him. Dean nodded and turned to me. "Im sorry (y/n)." I just nodded as i gulped my whiskey down and poured another. Sam sighed and gulped down some of his beer but it wasnt long before things went back to normal, whatever normal was for us.

Sam spied some brunette on the other side of the bar and had been in her company most of the night. Dean found a blonde and was occupied by her for the moment. I was left sitting at the bar drinking whiskey, a half bottle gone already. Dex walked over and stopped in front of me.

"Ya know what." I said a little to loudly, being halfway drunk. "I like being alone."

Dex nodded and chuckled, "thats a good thing. Most people think you have to have a significant other to be happy."

I shook my head a little to fast making the room spin. "Nope! Not me! I mean look around us everyone who comes here is only looking for one of two things."

Dex raised his eyebrows at me. "Those two things would be?"

"A, wanting to drown their sorrows or 2 their looking to get laid. But ya see once the lay part is over theyll be back to drown their sorrows." I pour myself some more whiskey.

He crosses his arms, just like a certain person that drives me crazy. "Comes full circle then, huh?" He says as he wipes down the counter.

I raise my glass to him and hiccup, "thats life for ya. Always chasing something but never truly getring your hands on it." I looked back at dean who was whispering something in the blondes ear, making her giggle and playfully smack his shoulder.

Dex looked from dean to me. "You okay darlin'?" I nodded and downed my whole glass then poured another. I felt a hand on my shoulder a few minutes later while me and dex were talking, i turned and it was dean.

I raised my glass towards him, "well if it isnt mr charm the panties off any girl coming or going himself." I patted the stool next to me and he sat down. I looked at dex, "his charm used to work on me, but my panties wasnt enough for him."

Dean cleared his throat and dex chuckled and looked down. My brain to mouth filter was gone at this moment. "(Y/n) hoe much have you had to drink?" Dean asked and i held the bottle out to him as i started pouring more in my glass. He grabbed the bottle from me and handed it to dex. "I think youve had enough."

I nodded, "youre right, i have had enough. Ive had enough of you." I poked my finger in his chest and he actually looked surprised. "Ive had enough of you acting like you care then make an excuse to come out and bring me along just to be hitting on some bottled dye hair blonde."

He laughed, i knew my words didnt come out right but for some reason i couldnt make them come out right. "See that just shows you dont care about me. You never did!"

Dean stood and grabbed my arm, "alright, its time to go home."

I jerked away from him, i lifted my hand to slap him but he caught my wrist. "What do you know about home. You had something called a home when you had me but it wasnt good enough was it." He bent and threw me over his shoulder.

I fought for a minute then felt all the alcohol i drank starting to make its way north. "Dean put me down!" He kept walking, "seriously dean, im going to puke all over that fine ass." He set me down quickly and just as quickly i leaned over and not so gracefully upchucked all over the pavement.

Dean held my hair back, i swatted at his hand but he didnt let go. When dry heaves was all that came out dean spoke rubbing my back. "You done?"

I nodded wiping my mouth with the back of my hand. I started to sway as i stood up straight but soon was in deans arms. The next thing i knew i was being carried down a hallway, my hallway into my bed. Dean took my shoes off first then my shorts and shirt, i wanted to resist but my limbs were like jello.

He took his flannel and put my arms through it then buttoned it up. I wrapped my arms around myself and took in the scent that is only described as dean. He turned to leave but i grabbed his hand.

"Dean?" I whisper.

He looked down at me in what seemed like surprise, "yeah?"

I patted the bed and he sat down. "Im sorry."

"For what sweetheart?" His fingers were rubbing circles on the back of my hand.

"For not being enough for you. I tried so hard to make you happy, but i failed. Just like i do with everything else. I hate that i couldnt keep you home at night, that you felt like you had to go elsewhere to get what you wanted. Most of all i hate myself. I hate because i failed and mostly i hate that i still love you." My eyes became heavy as they started to close i whispered, "stay with me."

He hesitated but then he pulled his boots off and crawled in bed beside me. I nestled my head on his chest as he wrapped his arm around me. I fisted his shirt as i felt my tears coming through my lashes as my eyes closed. "Ive really missed you." I whisper.

He kissed the top of my head, "ive missed you to baby."

I hummed when he said that, "i love it when you call me that." Sleep overtook me then, i didnt dream that night but i had the best night of sleep in a long time.

@holylulusworld @an-unhealthy-obsession @tftumblin @vicmc624 @justanotherwinchester

[nikvs-blog]

pov rp: i try to wink at u but i close both eyes like jinsoul in this gif <3 SBJDWBDJWBDJ hello im xan im 22 & from the est timezone i use she / her pronouns & ur watching disney channel. is this super late ? yea...but thats super on brand for me its fine its fun its sexy so * jugkook vc* let’s get it !

— jung jinsoul. she/her. cis female. | was that niko seo i just saw in the hideaway lobby ? i hear the twenty-two year old spends most of their time working as a waitress, but i’ve always just seen them scribbling poetry on napkins. they live in 3A and i often see them in the halls. they always give me a vibe of making wishes on falling stars, silk ribbons adorning messy ponytails, and breakfast at midnight.

BACKSTORY

so miss niko was born in a teeny tiny suburban town in north carolina to a pair of  young high school sweethearts ! unfortunately her mom passed away during childbirth so it was a very bittersweet arrival into the world for baby niko

her dad was a mechanic who never made it to college since his girlfriend got pregnant towards the end of their senior year. they got married before niko was born though because they were pretty serious abt raising her right but they never really got the chance to /: but her dad loved his job he loved working with cars & it was something his own dad did before him plus it was a job the town really valued since it was so tiny ( u really only needed one of everything )

when i say tiny i mean everyone knows everyone tiny. growing up the town kinda pitied niko bc of her mom dying so to compensate everyone kinda tried to do their part in raising her ! her neighbors were just as much of a parent to her as her own dad was, and everyone had stories abt her mom so niko kinda appreciated how small the town was.....sometimes

that changed as she got older ! when she started high school her dad kinda entered a rough patch & started drinking more with his buddies, started working less, and niko started getting calls from the sheriff at 2 am like “hey we’re gonna keep ur dad for the night he didnt do anything crazy but he got a little too drunk u can pick him up tomorrow” sort of thing 

she was there for him every time but it got kinda overwhelming knowing everyone was in her family's business & how much kids would gossip at school or adults would give her sad looks

basically she kinda just....became very disillusioned with her reality & began to realize no one around her was really.....happy or had big dreams and their entire lives revolved around this tiny town which scared her

but also ? it had started becoming her life, too. she was voted prom queen senior year, she had a job at a diner where the same people ate everyday, she’d been dating the same boy for four years and everyone talked about how they’d probably get married soon. she’d become exactly like everyone else without even realizing it....she didnt have some big dream.....she didnt even have plans for college she was just so stuck

and then disaster hit the summer after she graduated high school. her dad had crashed right into a tree on a rainy night trying to drive home after a night out drinking & died on impact. the news honestly didnt feel real to her until her grandparents were helping her clear out her house so she could come move in with them 

which is when she finds her mom’s old diary ! and boy was that thing . fat & juicy ... it had all four years worth of her mom’s high school years inside and niko became ...obsessed with it. all she did that summer her dad died was read her mom’s old diary learning more abt the woman from those pages than she ever had from the mouths of everyone in her town

 thats how she found out her mom had always dreamed of moving to some city like seattle and starting this new life once she found out she was pregnant with niko ! so niko was like ok this has to be a sign....told her grandparents she loved them but she couldnt stay in north carolina.....and boop ! she pretty much disappeared from the town, didnt tie up any lose ends ( including her bf of four years who she was kinda engaged to ? JSDBJBDJ ) because she just had to leave that bad. 

cue a scene on bus with niko looking out the window as some dramatic song abt new beginnings plays . JSDBJSBDJW seattle was truly her new start at 18 ... and all she wanted to do was just ... reinvent herself 

so she did ! first thing she did was get a job as a waitress bc uh ur girl was BROKE broke but she knew she was good at serving. the first year was.....pretty rough there’s no sugar coating it niko was struggling bad, probably living in some questionable apartment when she wasnt coach hopping at her coworker’s places. despite all this she was....insanely happy she really believed ( and still does ) seattle is magic !

she was working at a diner ironically, just like she had been back home, but this diner changed her life about a two years ago. one day one of her regulars ( a very well off lawyer who worked downtown ) told her she was way too pretty and charming to be serving at a place like this & that he had a buddy who owned an upscale restaurant near his job downtown & that he could probably get niko a job there if she wanted

so she was like UH hell yes....showed up the next day at this fancy restaurant, charmed the pants off the owner, and the rest ? is history !  she moved into hideaways a bit after getting this new job & has been there ever since <3

PERSONALITY + TIDBITS

personality wise niko is kinda ....hard to figure out. she doesnt do it on purpose, she’s just still learning about who she is and what she really wants. back home in north carolina she was kind of the small town golden girl, loved by everyone type of deal but also very romanticized by those around her ??? ppl thought she was brilliant and knew so much about everything when the truth was she just knew a little about a lot. she would read to escape the suburban boredom of her reality & took a special interest in things like art and poetry and astronomy. shes the type to want to share the stuff she’s learned with those around her

in seattle since no one knew her the way they did back home, niko decided she wanted to keep it that way. because of this and because shes so hesitant to talk about her family sometimes she can come across as mysterious but she’s a surprisingly open person !! she’s naturally super curious and friendly and she’s found it really helps to be the kind of person people want to get to know and trust when working in the service industry. she’s got the type of aura about her that makes you feel as if maybe you’ve known her forever, even if she’s only told you one thing about herself ( which is often the case) . can probably make anyone feel at home within five minutes of talking to her & you won’t even realize how she’s doing it. her boss swears she’s charming enough to sell honey to a bee ! 

she’s also got a flighty side though that comes out when you get too close. niko’s great at relationships when they aren’t deep, but the moment you start and figure her out and see past the smiley walls she’s got up she recoils fast. in a way she’s terrified of anyone knowing too much about her because she’s scared that once they do they’ll pity her, and niko can’t stand being pitied. she’s also super good at dishing out affection but not so good at receiving it. the type to fall in love then right back out of love in one day. kinda a heart breaker bc of this but she doesn't mean to be, she just gets infatuated kinda easily & isn’t very good at keeping things serious ever since literally running away from her long-time ex in north carolina JSBCSJBDJW 

some fun facts: she wants to get a cat and name it cat so bad but she’s not sure she’d be a good pet mom so she just settles for petting stray cats in public. 100% that weirdo crouching in the street making kissy noises because she saw a cat and wants to pet it. she can name just about every constellation & loves to sit outside and look at the stars on clear nights, usually while smoking a joint . she’s a hardcore lightweight .... im talking one tequila shot and she’s floored ... two glasses of wine and she’s taking her top off  then crying kinda deal like she CANNOT handle her liquor so she tries to keep partying to a minimum. she’s got a collection of napkins from work were people have scribbled their phone numbers onto as well as a collection of napkins niko herself has scribbled on. she mostly writes poems and sometimes she even leaves a napkin with a poem on it behind at a table like a little gift for whoever sits there next. she’s probably always writing poems for all her friends or infatuations so if you’re in her life....you’ve gotten one at some point ! 

the only thing she brought with her from north carolina were all her records. she’s got a pretty extensive collection that ranges from donna summer to louis armstrong to led zeppelin & when she finally got a record player of her own in seattle it was probably the best day of her life <3 she really likes to watch scary movies but also they scare her so bad so it’s a cycle of oh yes lets watch this.....fuck why did i do that.....im sleeping with the lights on rinse & repeat. she really likes to cook ! she learned at a pretty early age out of necessity but now she does it for her own pleasure also because of her growing interest / knowledge in the restaurant industry. her wardrobe is 95% thrifted and 5% stolen from miscellaneous people ( her dad, old boyfriends, hookups, friends, etc. ) is a notorious hoodie thief so dont lend her yours......

and this is WAY too long im.....so sorry this literally always happens aha <3 yes i ramble but thats bc . i have a lot to say and i also have a lot of love to give ! spare some plots ? we can im on tumblr but i am 100% easier to reach on discord  @ EL i love u 💖✨🌙#8172 so hit me up there & lets get this show on the road baby ! 

[fatrainbowmermaidunicorn]

3AM Drive - Thru (JJK x You x The8/Minghao) // FINAL

MASTERLIST

Jungkook kneeled down on one knee, one hand holding hers and another one holding open a small ring box.

“I dont want to ever lose you again. I dont ever want to feel regret for letting you walk out from my life again. Song Y/N, I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you, showering you with the love that you deserve. Will you marry me?”

With streaming tears, Y/N smiles.

Minghao quickly turns away from what he saw. It seems his one mistake will haunt him forever. It costd him to lose the love of his life.

———————————————————–

[Y/N♡] : 2.37pm I’m sorry. I need time.

That was the last message Minghao received from Y/N. He was devastated. He cant figure out what she meant by that. Did he really just let her slipped from his grasp?

Y/N is his one true love. He’s sure about it. She is his strength and weakness. His inspiration and motivation. His happiness and sadness. She is his everything. She was there when he was struggling as a trainee, the most difficult time in his life, and she was there through out his hard work, sacrifices and success. He shares every important moment of his life with her and he wants to keep doing so with her in the future.

Minghao decides to respect her decision and patiently just wait for the day she will come home. He still sends her daily good morning and good night texts, although he knows better than to wait for a reply.

What hurts the most is that while he sits patiently at home,  counting every second for her return with a cracked heart, the entertainment news keeps on reporting and posting photos about her and Jeon Jungkook having so much fun in Spain.

With all the different outfits and locations, its easy to see that they must have been meeting up everyday. The fans are speculating that they will be the new IT couple. The beautiful heir and the handsome golden maknae together? That just sounds like a match made in heaven.

Why do they have so much time to spend together anyway? I thought both of them are there for work! Minghao’s thoughts turned bitter.

Even without any contact and the explosion on news about Y/N and Jungkook, Minghao still have faith in her. He knows she wont leave him hanging just like that. She must really just need some time to clear her head. He believes that she cares about him enough to properly end it with him if she really did chose Jungkook. He refuse to believe that the rumors about her and Jungkook are more that just that, rumors.

Every single day felt like there’s a dark cloud hanging over Minghao’s head. He dont think he can ever be happy again until Y/N returns. It doesnt help that he also misses like crazy too.

As always, while discussing their schedule for the next month, Minghao’s mind drifted off to Y/N, until something finally catches his interest. One of the Song’s empire company is launching a new awards ceremony. It is said to be a prestigious yearly awards if the first year goes successfully. Everyone who has a name in the music industry is invited to the launching event and attending, of course, this is expected from the Song empire, who is known for throwing successful and incredible events. Every other idol groups and musician in the country will be there, including his group.

But unlike his group mates who is excited to be listed as a part of the guest list, the best part for Minghao is that  Y/N will be attending. Her trip will be cut short and she will be back in the country a day before the event, which meant Minghao can finally see her, althoughylt it would be during the event and not even a day earlier. Its fine with him. It doesnt matter, as long as she’s right in front of his eyes.

When he gets her this time, Minghao promise himself that he wont ever let her go again. She’s going to be stuck with him forever.

Days seems to crawl too slowly for Minghao’s liking, and after a long suffering wait, the day of the launching arrived. He and the rest of Seventeen are dressed to the nines. After all, this is the event of the year. The place to make connections, to meet influential people, to meet everybody who is a somebody. But to Minghao, its the day to get the love of his life back.

He first saw her when Y/N’s father gave his opening speech. She came down from the spiriling staircase at the back, floating in her dress. Minghao’s heart starts to beat so fast, it almost burst inside his chest.

“Calm down. You are sweating,” Vernon whisper in his ear and swiftly passed him a tissue. By now, the each and every one of his brothers in Seventeen already knows about his love story with Y/N thanks to Mingyu and his big mouth. Well, if you can call it a love story. Minghao was criticized left and right for pushing Y/N away. They call him stupid, dumb, trying to br a hero and all sorts of things, you just name it, for not immediately accepting Y/N and asks her to ‘figure out’ her feelings first.

“Stupid. If you didnt try to be the nice guy, you could be cuddling with her right now. Doing things that we definitely didnt want to see,” this one comes from Jeonghan.

“Yeah, you are lucky she didnt straight away leave your stupid ass and went for Jungkook. I dont know why she’s still waiting for you,” and that’s from S.Coups.

“And you go pull that dumb shit getting drunk and making out with other girls. Its amazing how she still wants to talk to you,” and that is of course, from the ever good looking visual dream tree that he called best friend, Mingyu.

“Yeah, yeah, I know what I did is stupid okay? I know I’m an idiot, a dummy amd everything else that is stupid. That’s why I’m getting her back, no matter what,” was all Minghao can say to defend himself. He really hopes his stupidity wont ruin the greatest relationship he ever had for him.

Through out the main event, Minghao cant keep his eyes off Y/N who’s sitting on the stage. He’s waiting until he is able to go and talk to her. It also irritates him when he sees her smiling to someone in the crowd, and when he peeks to see who’s the lucky person is, of course its Jeon freaking Jungkook, all front and center with his BTS brothers and grinning so wide, Minghao thought his jaw would break, showing his oh so called adorable bunny smile.

What does he have to be smiling about anyway? That’s my girl! Minghao huffed. Although he cherished his friendship with Jungkook, sometimes he just cant stand his cockiness, especially when it involves Y/N.

Once the main event is done and the award show is officially launch, all the guests are free to roam around and mingle. Minghao tried to find Y/N, through the heavy crowd of people laughing, greeting each other. And everytime he finally sees her and is about to make his way to her, someone will stop him and his members. Minghao will plaster on a smile, say his greetings, nod here and there, not even listening, wishing they could just hurry up.

He finally saw a chance when he managed to make eye contact with Y/N. Y/N who seems to also want to talk to him makes her way to him. Minghao cant help but smile. God, I love her so much. Luck is really not on his side. Y/N was just a few feet away when he was pull by someone. The girl group member who he had kissed that night. Sadness and hurt immediately flashes in Y/N’s eyes and she straight away walk in the opposite direction before Minghao can stop her. Minghao tried to ignore the girl and catch Y/N instead, the look in her eyes is too much for his cracking heart to bare, but the grip on his arms got tighter.

“Hey,”

“Hey,” Minghao has no choice but to talk to her now. He turns over to face her, hoping she would say what she need to say so he can get a move on.

“Listen,” she scratch her neck, looking nervous. “I’m sorry about the other night. I didnt know that I would get that drunk and that a reporter would follow us,” she managed to stutter out. Minghao knows she’s scared and absolutely nervous. She is young and new in the industry. To be known as someone who makes out and drunk partied with a senior in the industry even before you officially debuted is not a good idea.

“Its fine,” Minghao replied, short and to the point. He really dont care about her or what happened. He doesnt care what the public thinks of him as long as Y/N believes him. He really just want to get away from her and find Y/N right now.

“The company has sort out the rumor and its all good now. But I just want to say sorry. I just newly debuted and its highly unprofessional of me to act that way. Especially with a sunbae,” she bowed, ashamed and Minghao can see that she’s truly apologetic.

“Its really fine. Its over anyway. I really got to go. We will catch up later okay,” Minghao didnt mean to be rude, and he really meant what he said. The rumor is over and he had no qualms about it. In fact, after everything is said and done, he would still like to maintain a friendship with the girl group. They are nice people and a nice hoobae after all. Minghao didnt wait for her to reply and rush off to find Y/N.

—————-

Y/N took a deep long breath and let it go. She was hoping to talk to Minghao today. She really misses him. Really really misses him. Sometimes when she sits alone in her hotel room after her day exploring the city with Jungkook, her mind will drift off back to Minghao. Everything about him just did something to her heart. His passion for dance, his obsession with style, which he always makes her spend hours with him shopping just to find the right jacket to complete his outfit, his savageness, the way he showed his love and care for her in a not at all cheesy way, everything. Y/N sighs. She had tried to clear her mind by asking for some space and time. But the moment she saw the smile he gave her when they finally made eye contact, it immediately melts her heart and she just really want to grab him and just talk to him about everything so that they can finally try move forward and finally be together.

Spending her time with Jungkook in Spain is great. She had so much fun, it feels just like what it use to be before everything had happened. Jungkook is still the same. Just like the same guy she had felt in love with years ago. Just like her once best friend.She can even admit that sometimes whe he flash her that familiar bunny snile or when he held her hands when they were crossing the road, she felt tiny butterflies in her stomach. Something that she knows she shouldnt have.

But however sweet Jungkook is, no matter how hard he tries to act like the perfect boyfriend, she still cant get Minghao out of her mind, and she knows right then that her heart is set on him.

I’m inlove with Xu Minghao.

But seeing him with the same girl he had kissed at the party talking earlier did something to her heart. Will she really be able to truly forgive him? Will she able to trust him again? How can they be in a relationshio is she dont trust him, right?

But you forgave Jungkook didnt you? What he did is way worse.

But at least Jungkook didnt cheat on you while you were still together.

But is Minghao and I even together?

Y/N’s inner thoughts keep debating against each other. She’s really confused and with Jungkook suddenly back in her life, acting all nice and sweet, calling and texting and meeting with her almost everyday, it just make things even more complicated. But Jungkook did make her happy when her heart is thoroughly broken this time and she did very much enjoy her time with him.

Maybe Jungkook is really the one for me… maybe after everything, the one I’m meant to be with is Jeon Jungkook.

“Hey, what are you doing here alone outside? Its your party you know,” a familiar voice interrupted her thoughts. She looks up and a smile immediately appeared on her lips.

“Hey Jungkook, what are you doing here? Shouldnt you be mingling or something? There’s a lot of opportunities for movie castings and CF in there,” she pointed her fingers toward the party. “You are a part of the most hottest group right now,” she teased.

Jungkook laugh at that and took a seat besides her on the park bench. “Nah. You know partying is not really my thing. Besides, I will leave that to Tae-hyung, Jin hyung and Namjoon hyung. They are good at it and meeting and making new friends is their forte anyway,”

“Two years later, an incredibly well known world star but you are still just the same boy I know Jungkook. Akward and shy around new people,” Y/N laughs. Jungkook joins her laughter.

“I’ve never change Y/N. I make mistakes, yes, but I’m still me,” Jungkook turn to look at Y/N. His gaze turned serious. His heart is beating so fast at the familiarity that he’s seeing. Y/N under the stars, Y/N laughing wirh him, Y/N discussing about life and where they stand with him. Right in this moment, he wishes nothing more than to turn back time to when Y/N is still his. He wishes nothing more than to erase the stupid mistake of breaking her heart and letting her go, just for the sake of chasing his dreams. He should have known that Y/N will be the one who will keep running by his side when he’s chasing it. Y/N turned her gaze away from Jungkook deep stare.

“Its nice isnt it? Looking at the stars? We used to do it all the time, remember? Spilling secrets and talking about our dreams. Who knew we are already living it now,” Y/N looked up to the sky, analyzing the cluster of stars decorating the dark sky. They use to do this when they were younger. Sneaking out after curfews to the rooftop. Sharing their dreams and making promises to chase after it together. Jungkook’s heart ache when he remembers the memories and how he had been the one who ruined it all.

“Yes… we really made it Y/N. I’ve become an idol that I had always wanted to be and you finally found your courage to be who you really are, a smart and incredible heir to the Song empire,” Jungkook smile, thinking about what a long way Y/N had gone through and how he is incredibly proud of her. He just wished he had been there for her through her journey. But he didnt, and Minghao did. “But this is not the dream that matters Y/N. It never did. I was just blinded by the fake shining plastic of this dream that I didnt see the real sparkling diamond,” Jungkook’s voice is so soft that Y/N turned to him. He is staring at her with a serious look in his eyes.

“You are the dream that should have mattered the most Y/N. You are the sparkling diamond that I should have been chasing, something that shines so bright it never fails to light up my gloomy life,” Jungkook held one of her hands. “Growing old with you. Making new memories with you. Having you by my side until I’m old and grey…”

Jungkook kneeled down on one knee, one hand still holding hers and another one holding open a small ring box.

“Jungkook… wh…what are you doing?” Y/N is startled. He’s not doing what she thinks he’s doing right? She knows they have spend a lot of time together lately, and old feelings might be rekindled, but she is just still as shocked.

“I dont want to ever lose you again. I dont ever want to feel the regret of letting you walk out from my life ever again. Song Y/N, I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you, erasing all the stupid mistakes that i have done to you, showering you with the love that you really deserve. Will you marry me?”

Y/N was speechless. Shocked, touched, suprised. She’s feeling everything at once right now.

“You dont have to marry me right now Y/N. You can take all the time you need. It can even be in the next 10 years and I will still be waiting. I’m asking you to be mine. To promise that one day we will be together forever,” Jungkook gave her another bunny smile that she loves so much. “I know I made mistakes. And there’s nothing I hate and regret more than the moment I hurt you. I love you so much.You are the only one for me. The one I want to share my dreams, my success, my whole being with. I, Jeon Jungkook, promise to be yours and forever will be at your beck and call. Everything that I am, everything that I have is yours. I love you Song Y/N. Please say yes,”

With tears running heavily down her cheeks, Y/N smiles.

Minghao quickly turns away from what he saw. He had searched for Y/N everywhere and finally found her at the back garden. But she’s not alone. In fact she’s with Jeon Jungkook, who is down on his knees with a ring in his palms. The moment Minghao saw Y/N smiles after the sweetest proposal he had ever heard, he realizes what that means. It seems that his one mistake will haunt him forever. It costs him to lose the love of his life.

—————–

Minghao quickly bid goodbye to his members and told his manager that he’s going for a walk. He ended up sitting in a lone bench somewhere even he himself is not sure. His body is numb, hell, even his mind is numb. He doesnt even know how long he’s been sitting therr, staring into nothingness. He dont think he can ever recover this heartbreak.

“I’ll buy you chicken nuggets, as long as I can share the fries,”

Minghao snapped out from his dazed and turned around so fast that he might get a whiplash. Minghao thought he was hallucinating when he sees Y/N standing there, wind blowing in her oerfectly coiffed hair, holding brown paperbags which he assumes contains the said chicken nuggets and fries, smiling ever so brightly. Tears are still evident in her puffy red eyes.

Why is she here? Is she here to tell me that she finally chose Jungkook?

Minghao immediately walks up to her. If this is the last moment that he can have with her, he’s going to make it count. He cant help but teared up, looking at this beautiful girl that he loves with all his heart but now belongs to someone else.

“Did you know, by saying yes to that question two years ago to a total stranger in a McDonald’s at 3 freaking am, my life changed forever?” Y/N stepped closer, her smile got bigger.

“Y/N… you dont have to tell me. I already know tha-

“You dont know anything,” Y/N cut him off and take another small step towards him. “I love you Xu Minghao. You’re the one. Its has always been you,”

Y/N close their gap and placed her lips on his before Minghao can register what is happening and what she had said. Feeling her lips on his, Minghao, who is still wandering if this is reality or just some bad dream that he will eventually wake up from, kisses her back, putting all the love, longing, desire that he has for her in their very first kiss.

/////////

Jungkook slide down on the garden bench after Y/N left, staring at the ring he had picked out so carefully for her.

“I love you Song Y/N. Please say yes,”

With tears running heavily down her cheeks, Y/N smiles.

She slowly kneels down to Jungkook’s height and grabbed both of his hands.

“You know you will always be my first love. Everything you said sound like a dream. A dream that up until now, I know I wont be able to turn into reality. But I’m sorry Jungkook. I cant,” she sniffled. Jungkook just look at her, not knowing what to say. His heart is starting to break, piece by piece. He can feel it. “Two years ago, I would say yes in a heart beat. You were my dream, my future, Jungkook. You are everything I’ve ever wanted. I would have given up everything just to be Jeon Y/N. But all that has changed now. My heart has been thrown around, stabbed, burned, stepped on, cracked and broken to million tiny pieces. I never thought it can ever be whole again. But someone did managed to save it, slowly he pieced it back together again, and now it just refused to belong to anyone else but him,” Y/N blinked and more tears started to fall. Jeon Jungkook has always been her dream, her future, someone she wanted to be with until the rest of days, and right now saying no to him is also breaking her own heart. But her heart knows what it wants, and its not Jungkook.

“It’s Minghao isnt it?”

“I’m sorry Jungkook,” was all she wss able to say before she gave him a peck on his cheek and run towards the shadow she saw that must have overseen them.

Jungkook snapped the ring box close and shoved it back in his pockets. He let out a deep sigh and finally let all the tears he held inside roll out.

It’s okay Y/N. I’m happy you found someone who will love you as you deserved to be love.I’m happy he is able to save your heart.

Be happy, my love. I will always love you

And there, late at night, in the middle of a prestigious party, sat a well known man, loved by millions of his fans, alone on a garden bench, crying his heart out for the lost of the love of his life.

************** Epilogue up next!

[wilhellmine]

Ghost Adventures Slash FanFiction 2. part - Zak

Part 2. - Zak - I miss you so much... everytime when I see you, I just want to embrace you and never let you go. I cant just live on like that. Why did I say all these things? Why did I say, that I hate you? I wanted you to go away from me, because I thought that you will be safe from harm, safe from the demons, that are surrounding me. But I cant handle the loneliness, that is spreading trough my empty house, trough my epmty life, through my empty heart... Nick... Im so sorry, so sorry... I was not able to sleep, so I grabbed my digital recorder and headed outside. I found a abandoned old house, so I climbed inside... I never expected that I would find someone in there, except ghosts. It was... you... "Zak...? Is that you? What are you doing here, man?" I was so surprised! Nick... I saw you again after all these months... What should I say? Quick, quick, I need to say something... "Im searching for ghost. And what are you doing here in this place?" "The same thing, I heard some ghost stories about this place and I was just curious, if they are real or not. Why are you alone here? Where is Aaron? Why dont you have a camera?" "This ghost hunt is just for me, its not because of Ghost Adventures. I just wanted... to be alone. I just wanted to do some investigating without cameras and stuff. Just me and my ears and a digital recorder. It makes me calm. And what about you?" "Well... Im here for the same reason. I just wanted to be alone for a while..." "Alone... just with some ghosts around." I smiled at you and you smiled back. "How are you?"  I asked. Oh, God, please, tell me that you are alright. Please tell me, that "my" demon did not hurt you in any way... But there is one thing, that I would like to hear more... Please, tell me, that you miss me, so I can say, that I miss you too... "Well, I'm fine... and you?" Oh, Nick, if you only knew... Im so lost without you. I cant stand myself. But how can I tell you that, when it was me, who buried everything, that was between us... I think there is a song, that describes my feelings perfectly... I have a smile stretched from ear to ear to see you walking down the road we meet at the lights, I stare for a while the world around us disappears just you and me on my island of hope a breath between us could be miles let me surround you, my sea to your shore let me be the calm you seek oh and every time I'm close to you there's too much I can't say and you just walk away and I forgot to tell you I love you and the night's too long and cold here without you I grieve in my condition for I cannot find the words to say I need you so... But I cant tell you, that I miss you so much. I cant say, that my heart hurts like if there were a thousands of little knives inside of it... I needed to say something that you would expect from me... "Yeah... I'm fine too..." What a lie! I think this was the biggest lie of my life... I think you noticed that, because you stared at me suspiciously for few seconds... I needed to come up with something, but... oh well... I think all I can do is chasing ghosts... I was hoping, that some spirit will actually kill me and then I would be haunting you... watching you from afar, unseen, quiet, I would never show you, that Im near, so you would not be scared... Isnt that a strange idea? It probably is... but its the only way that could give me a chance to be with you forever... "So... would you like to investigate this place with me?" I asked. I doubted for a while, if it was a good idea, but before I could tell you, that you dont need to do that, you said... "Yes." Yes! Oh God, its here! Its just you and me again, alone, like in the old times, when we were young, much younger than today. When we were just two friends. I remember a night, when we sneaked to a locked cemetery and we were sharing ghost stories, some that we heard and some that we experienced. And we yearned for adventure. So we created our crew, our Ghost Adventures crew, and we have been investigating haunted places. After some time Aaron came to us and then it all started... the TV show, popularity, fans... we changed a lot... But now we can be the same as we were back then... When there was nothing else, just a friendship between two guys... and then... after some time... maybe something more, that just a friendship... "Dont be afraid," I said, "I think there is nothing to worry about. I mean that there are no demons, that would possess me or you." Or there should not be any... As we came at the end of the hallway, I felt some weird energy and then I heard a voice, a very quiet voice, that said like three or four words, coming from upstairs. "Wow, did you hear that?" I asked. "Yeah, I did. It sounds like some voices..." "Yeah, it does. Do you want to go upstairs?" "Alone???" "No... Im in this with you. Come on, lets go upstairs together." We went upstairs. I felt you behind me, really close to me. I wanted to grab you and kiss you like I never did before, but... So I tried to call the ghosts. "Who are you? Show yourself in front of us! Speak to this digital recorder, so we can hear your voice! Is there anything, that you would like us to know? Talk to us!" I felt a cold breeze around me. "Nick... come to me, now! Can you feel that? Its freezing right here! Come, take my hand, I'll show you where the icy cold spot is." I grabbed your hand to show you where I felt the cold air. I turned over to you and you looked like you were about to faint. "Are you ok?" "Yes, I am... I just... I just felt..." ...and the you just fell to the ground... "Nick! Nicky! Wake up! Nick! Please, say something!" I took you in my arms and carried you out of the house. What went wrong? Did the ghost drained your energy? What should I do? I knew, that I need to get you to a hospital, because I could not wake you up... I was so scared... What if the ghost really attacked you? That would be my fault... And I would never be able to forgive myself for asking you to hunt the ghosts with me... Finally! I came to the hospitals with you in my arms, calling for help. The doctor came over and took you away from me. "What are you gonna do with him?" "Please, calm down... Everything will be alright. I need you to stay here, please," said the nurse, as she tried to calm me down. I called your wife to tell her about what happened to you, but I changed my mind. I said, that we will go outside to have a beer, like in the old times and she said "Im on a way to my mother, she is sick. Please, can you take care of Nick? Dont let him drink that much. I know, that you havent seen each other for a longer time, so have fun guys. I'll be back in a week, can you please tell him that?" I just said "Yes, I will... You dont want to talk with Nick?" and she said "No, I need to focus on driving. I know you will take care of him, bye, Zak!" and ended that phone call quickly. It was weird, but it gave me the chance to be with you a whole week without someone interrupting anything, that could happen between us... again. I was sitting in the hospital lobby for three hours. Then the doctor came and took me over to your room. "He is really, really exhausted. This blackout was caused by a total exhaustion. Your friend should take a break. But we think, that he will be alright... If he wakes up..." I came to your bed. You were just lying there, with a pale, tired face and with closed eyes. "Nicky... are you ok? Please, wake up. Talk to me... please... Nicky... Please, dont leave me..." You slowly opened your eyes. Zak... Im ok... Im fine... What happened?" "Nick... Thank God... you are awake... You passed out, so I took you to the hospital. You were unconscious for three hours. The doctor said it happened due to a total exhaustion. I didnt tell him, that I think a ghost drained all your energy." "Oh... yeah, I feel a little bit tired... Thank you for not leaving me there." "I would never do that!" "Really?" "Nick... I - would - never - do - that! Oh God, I was so afraid that I could lose you..." I raised my hand and touched your face softly. You are so sweet... I love your skin, your complexion... Isnt that crazy? How you love those certain parts of someones body? Their scents, their skin, their eyes, the soft lips... I could not resist... You were so tired and you looked so cute, so vulnerable... I embraced you... if you only knew what it was doing to me... But you shaked my hands off. "Whats wrong?" I saw the confusion in your eyes. You took a deep breathe, before you started to talk. ¨ "Zak... I cant... Please, dont touch me... I'm afraid of what it is doing to me... I never forgot the night, when... you know..." Yeah, I remember that night. You are usually shy, but this time you werent... We headed to our next lockdown, to Oklahoma, where a demon terrorized a family. We did some interviews on the first day and it was scary as hell. In the evening Aaron decided to go out with a couple of his friends. You were cudled up in your bed and I was going through some unexplained EVP's that we did catch during the interview. Aaron asked us to come with him, but I was focused on my work and I didnt feel in a mood for a party, because tomorrow was the day of the lockdown. You said, that you are tired. Aaron just smiled, said, that he will be back before the morning comes and then he went away. We were alone. My chance... "Nick? Are you sleeping?" I asked, without turning over to you. "No," you said, "did you hear something in the EVPs?" "Not yet... Nick?" I turned my head over to you. "Yeah?" "I want to ask you something..." "Huh?" "I dont want it to sound crazy but... I think... I mean... Could there be a possibility, that a demon is affecting someone... like... sexually?" "You mean like the succubus?" "No... I mean... Like forcing him to think about something... I have obsessive thoughts about... well... you know... about having sex..." "Zak. You are a man, a human being, I think this is normal... Everyone has these thoughts sometimes." "And what if I tell you, that Im dreaming about a man?" You raised your eyebrows. "Well... I dont know... I think this can happen sometimes, dreams are just dreams, you know. People are dreaming about weird stuff all the time. I dont think that your dreams have a deeper meaning or that something is wrong with you because of these dreams." "And... what if I tell you... that I am dreaming about... you? What would you say?" For a while you stared at me, your eyes piercing right into my soul. Then you just got out of bed and you went closer to me, still looking me in the eyes. "What I would say? You really want to know that?" you whispered quietly. "Yes... please, tell me..." I whispered back. "Take that shirt off..." "What?" For a moment I doubted what I heard. Did you really say it? "Take that shirt off..." I did what you asked for. When I saw the look in your eyes, I could not resist it. The heat... the passion... I took the chance. I pressed you against the wall and kissed you. Oh God, it was like heaven. I thought about kissing you for years! And now... I could taste your lips... I felt like being drunk. I wanted more... You embraced me. Your fingertips were cold... or was it just me, my hot skin? I pushed you to the bed and started to kiss your body... I kissed you on your cheeks, on your neck, I went down... I remember it clearly. My dreams came true. There is nothing that could erase this memory from my mind... I felt blood rushing to my cheeks. I smiled a little bit. "Im afraid that I still love you. But this love is unwanted. You didnt want to live this way, so I quitted the crew. Because of you. Because of me. So we can live normal lives with normal relationships." "Nicky... you didnt notice that? I dont have a relationship... Im still into you... I never stopped loving you... I just didnt know what to do with my feelings... Thats why I didnt want to continue with this..." "What? Why didnt you say anything about it? We could talk about it! I would understand it, I felt the same way. Our friendship would not be ruined by this! You said that you hate yourself, when you are with me! That you cant live this way. That you dont love me! Why did you say that?" "I... I thought that when I will hurt you, you will leave me and everything will become normal... Because you started to act weird and I felt there is something, thats affecting you, something, thats not from this world, something different and dark... So I said, that I dont feel anything for you... And you left... But nothing was alrigt, I just acted that way, so no one would notice that there is something wrong with me... Nicky, I feel that there is something that owns me, maybe a spirit or a demon, that doesnt allow any woman to stay with me. It doesnt want anyone near to me! I didnt want that... something... to hurt you, just because I love you... This is the real reason, why I was so mean and why I wanted you to go away from me and leave our crew. I thought it would be easier for both of us, when you would start to hate me..." "You and your f--king demons! Are you kidding me? You are lying!" "No, Nicky, Im not... I swear..." That night. I fell asleep with you in my arms and then I had this disturbing dreams. I have seen myself killing people in different ways. I heard the name of the demon rushing through my mind. And then I found you, in my dream. And I... I killed you there... With a brutal force... I did it with a hammer... Oh God... I can't even think about that dream, because it scares me so much... Could I be able to do something like that to you? You are everything to me... I felt like the demon could hurt you, maybe it could use me to do harm to you. I told you about that dream, just before we started the lockdown, but I didnt tell you, what I did to you in that dream. Then you were using a spirit board and something entered your body. There were so many bad things, that happened in that house. Jay and the man, named Darren, were communicating with the demon through the spirit board. Darren asked, where will the demon show itself. The board said "Nick"... and I was terrified to death. I was just staring at the camera in our nerve centre and I told you to be careful. After that the spirit board said "G, goodbye." I grabbed the walkie-talkie and asked if it said "Nick G. goodbye?" and then the planchette moved to "yes". I felt like if my head was about to explode and then it started... You wanted to go out, but something it me forced me to say, that you should not leave the seance. I asked "Do you want to kill Nick?" because I wanted to know, if there is a possibility... that something evil that is attached to me, could do that. And we started arguing! It was affecting me and you! And it was laughing at us! Then it just dissapeared, the feeling of that power forcing me to arguing with you... it was away! I immediately told you that I wanted you to quick the seance with the spirit board, I wanted you to come back to me, but you didnt want to go away from that house! I was afraid after that lockdown, because I thought, that there is something attached to me, that is about to hurt you. So right after that lockdown I told you, that I dont feel the same as you. That I dont love you, that I hate you. It was breaking my heart, when I was telling you this. I was literally in pain, when I saw the look in your eyes, the tears on your face... But I didnt knew what else to do... You were married, you had a newborn baby... I know, you said, that you will leave your wife because of me, but I thought you would be happier without me... I thought that if you leave me, you would be safe... I knew, that if I tell you the truth, you would not leave our crew and you could be in danger... "There is nothing in the world, that I would want more than to touch you, be with you, having you by my side every day, every night... I cant sleep, I cant eat... All what Im thinking about is you and that one night... Nick... I never wanted... I dont know, what to do... Can you forgive me, Nick? Please, forgive me..." "I'll forgive you, Zak, but only under one condition..." "What is it? Tell me! I will do anything, that you want me to do..." "Kiss me... Kiss me, Zak. Kiss me again. For the last time..." That was more than I dared to think about. I leaned to you, so slowly, that it was almost painful, but I liked the tension between us, although I felt my body shaking. I kissed you on your lips and it was like ecstasy for me. It felt like if I was craving for a some sort of unnamed drug for a long time and I have got it at that moment. I was squeezing your thigh, I realized that after a moment, but the sparkles in your eyes told me, that you dont want me to stop. I moved my lips to your neck, I found that spot, that I was so familiar with, I kissed it gently and then I bited you... You moaned out loud, it took me to another level of being excited, when I heard that, my heart nearly stopped to beating and then it was beating faster and faster... And it nearly stopped again, when I heard knocking on the door. You jumped away from me, when the door opened and the nurse, that was trying to calm me down three hours ago, came in. "Mr. Groff, you can go home. We made some tests and it seems like you were extremely exhausted, but thats all. There is nothing to worry about, but you need to rest for some days." "Oh, thank you..." "And... well... I know you two guys like to hunt ghosts... you should come to this hospital and do some EVPs, there is a ghost of a little boy that cries in the night, we are always searching for him, but no one is there... Would you like to investigate it here?" "Oh... yes... that would be awesome, thank you." You turned over to me, trying to catch your breath. "I hope she didn't see anything, Zak..." "Well, I think she saw something... maybe... But it doesn't matter to me. Come on, let's get out of here. I will take you home. I'll take care of you." "Home?" "Yeah... Im taking you to my house." "But what about my wife?" "She went to see her mother... I called her and said, that we are going to have some beers, like two old friends..." "And what did she say? She didnt want to talk with me?" "No, she just said 'Have fun, guys. Take care of my husband. Ill be back in a week.'" I saw the surprise in your eyes. "Well... alright then, you said, lets go." Now we had a whole week, that we can spend together... This time, I wont let you go...

[drunkenough2write]

Sober at 8:58 am

Ive started to numb everything out, push everyone else thats left away. I havent talked to Kaylee in about two months, or the guys in a few days, ive been avoiding anish and Molly and you and i obviously havent talk in a while. I had a moment yesterday i was doing ...something... and i started thinking about you, i let that numb thing go for a minute and i just kept saying “i love you Michael” over and over and i dont know what im doing. i dont know if i want you because im bored with him or because youre the one im supposed to spend the rest of my life with. i dont know if you and i are good for eachother or if we just romanicize the fuck out of eachother to the point weve tricked our minds into believing that we belong together, i dont know if those late nights spent in your arms, or those car rides with our fingers intertwined and the windows down meant nothing or meant everything. ive spent endless hours closing my eyes just so that i can picture your face, i have a hundred pictures of you i cant convince myself to delete. Everything makes me think of you, music and movies and people on social media, i think about what youd do when im scream singing in my car, windows down and crazy hair and music i havent listened too since middleschool, i think about you standing behind me in the shower and laying next to me in bed, i think about you shooting me looks across the isles of grocery stores and gas stations, i think about you picking at your nails and the warts on your fingers while i drive and roll my eyes at you, i think about you when i get high, how you get so paranoid, how you get a look in your eye like youre all alone and the worlds a stimulation trying to break you down and invade your inner thoughts and you look at me and i wonder if you trust me and i just want to wrap you in my arms and kiss your face and let you know that i got you no matter what. I dream about you, your long hair and jaw line, lanky body and strong arms, i dream about you walking in and the rest of the world falling away, you being all that i see and all that i know and nothing else in the world mattering even the smallest bit. Im scared Bugs, im scared of losing you, im scared of losing me, im scared that he will come back and i will pick him and one day ill wake up from yet another Michael dream and think “what the fuck am i doing?” but be so deep into it that theres nothing i can do, and im scared ill pick him and one day he will stop picking me and im scared that i cant love anyone. I spent years being the girl a guy could love, i perfected it, manipulated every boy i met into becoming obsessed with me, tricking their minds to the point i was all they thought about and i never got caught, i played boy after boy perfecting my actions and it worked. Ramon was so invested i didnt even notice, all his friends knew about me, he told them he was falling in love with me and all i thought about at the time was how he had a weird sex face and it didnt feel serious, then there was London, the boy who flirted with me in highschool and told me i was going to marry him and then years later told me i was ugly in highschool, so i convinced him nobody could understand him like i did, i let him be a douche bag, and make every possible stupid mistake he could and told him that he was amazing regardless, i supported all of  his dreams even though i thought they were dumb and far far out of reach all while entertaining others. At the same time i was sleeping with two frat guys in different frats that hated eachother and i made them both believe they were the hottest guys id ever seen and the best lays any girl could have all the while one looked like hed never stepped outside and was not packin and the other had a nice body but a jew nose and lasted like 4 minutes everytime, and they both faded out eventually. Then i reconnected with Reese and unfortunately he had been in the game longer and saw past the face i put on, he reached into my heart and plucked at the parts he knew would give him a safe place and i fell for it. i became his escape from home and work, he would come over at 3 am after work and slip into my bed and play his music and we’d fall asleep and id wake in the morning and leave for class and come back to him leaving, There was one night i was convinced he had real feelings for me. he was hanging with preston and their friend ethan who had moved out of state and came to visit, Preston went to ASU and lived in dorms near mine. They went to a strip club and then got super drunk and went back to prestons room, Reese called me and let me know he was still coming over at about midnight and Preston stole his phone saying he wouldnt make it and i just laughed at them and said id be up for a while if he changed his mind, even though i was so tired i couldve slept for an unholy amount of hours. i got a few snapchats from his snap that preston took of reese’s head in the toilet and figured he wouldnt be coming over, but i stayed up for a little while and then i got a call at 5 am he slurred his words trying to tell me he was coming and that he was lost but escaped Prestons room, Preston and ethan eventually found him and got on the phone trying to figure out where i lived, i told them and came out to meet them, Sophmore year of highschool i had a class with both Reese and Preston but i dont think either of them knew i had existed at the time. when i walked out they all looked at me and Reese looked so sad, red eyes and tears on his cheeks, he almost tripped over his own feet into my arms, i hugged him and looked back at his friends, they told me to take care of him, i smiled and took him back to my room. i put his stuff in the closet and helped him change and he followed me into bed, his arms around me (something he never did) and he cried, told me i was all he cared about, said all these things and passed out and for the first time since meeting him i felt like he wanted me for me, but i was wrong, i was a safe spot, a hidden island where he could get away from the rest of the world and eventually he met someone else. then on new years i got a snapchat from kaylees younger sister asking if it would be okay if she gave my snap to her cousin ransom whom i had only met a few times, i said sure and his first snap said he was gonna make me his. i laughed, i liked when guys were forward, unfortunately that was one of the only things i liked about him, over the next month i played with him, careful not to break him entirely, he tried to get me to take his virginity and him being the mormon cousin to my childhood mormon best friend i knew i couldnt and then one day i got a snap from some guy i met on tinder, his name was Alex Decker, he hyped me up on snap all the time and i was on shrooms so i responded, asked why he was always nice to me he said “why not?” we talked a little and eventually i invited him over we hung with my friends, i got free tickets to a suns game and we all went and we took our first selfie and i didnt pull my tricks, because he wasnt like every other guy that walked my way and stuck their tongue down my throat after talking to me for 15 minutes we hung out probably 7 times before he kissed me, i had convinced myself he was gay or just not interested and let down my gaurd, we were watching Game of Thrones, the Episode where you learn about Horridor and the reason behind his name, and i started crying and he made a joke and i punched his arm out of sadness and he kissed me, it moved pretty fast after that, he asked me to be his girlfriend on Valentines day, 12:04 am - we decided to say it was the 13th instead, didnt want to be cheesy, he brought me roses the next day and we dated for a while, i pushed and pulled every day, pushed him away only to ask him to come back hours later, i was a bad girlfriend, a bad friend, and when i ended things i was more scared of losing his family then him. I went to California for spring break and he spent the night before i left and he found my stash on notebooks and read everything, went through my poetry books and found which ones i dedicated to other boys and other loves and he went crazy, he read every secret and every lie and he told me living in my head was the worst place to live and he sent me pictures of everything that made him mad and he spent 9 hours in my room going through everything and i was so angry i redownloaded tinder, figuring id end things when i got home and then came Remmington. When i got back to Arizona we threw a party at my house and a bunch of people came over, he had written me a letter and got so drunk he let Colden read it to the room, it was horrible, i got obnoxiously drunk and ended up blacking out and then passing out on the bathroom floor and Alex took care of me all night. i was going to therapy at the time and one day on the day before my therapy day i had a huge art project due and had to pull an all nighter after pulling one the night before and he told me he would stay over and help me and we would take shifts and he’d shade stuff while i slept and id do whatever else i needed to do and i said that that was fine, when it was my turn to sleep i fell fast asleep and woke up to him sitting next to me on the bed crying, confused i got up and hugged him and he started rambling about how he couldnt do it and just losing his shit, he wasnt making any sense so i got him water and made him lay down and once he fell asleep i got up and did the rest of my project until 10 am the next day i went to class and then alex gave me a ride to therapy and picked me up after, he took me to my favorite restaurant in arizona and then we went to the batting cages and a few days later i ended things and he still stuck around for a while, even while i was talking to remmington, then i found out about the STD stuff and remington made me feel like trash and got a bunch of his friends to bag on me too. after that i dropped everyone, i didnt care, i took londons virginity and i didnt care about anything else and Molly and i started hanging out more and more and then one day i drove past the gilbert temple and parked in front of a house across the street from the mormon church and a lanky boy in a white sweatshirt and a dad hat hopped in the car with molly and i and i was a total bitch to him until we stopped to eat and he said his dad worked on heavy equipment and molly got distracted and i thought this boy was 20 and he was 17 and my heart swooned. that was the day i met you. You surprised the hell out of me. everytime i talked to you all the games and tricks and all the bullshit id been using stopped existing and i had butterflies and lost words and a smile i couldnt get rid of. and boy was it a whirlwind. and the world started and ended and spiraled and now we are here. wheres here? i have no fucking idea. all i know is that i want someone to see me, see my crazy and my annoying and my insecurities and see everything good and bad and love me, and for the past year ive met 3 boys that do and in my luck ive found so much heartache and so much dissapointment. because M i dont deserve any of you and if i could cut myself in half and give all my love to each of you i would, but i cant. and what do i do when you wake up and realize i was only worth the chase? what happens when its finally us and im not everything you figured i would be? and life isnt everything you thought it would be with me? what then?