#like outside of societal norm and like potential shame of being different like. I just experience it

[poerfect]

can we be aromantic and wishing we weren't? like wanting to know what love is but feeling that we can't?...

[sapphos-darlings]

https://www.tumblr.com/sapphos-darlings/675496447908675584/imagine-that-when-you-were-born-your-entire-family?source=share the issue is, i kinda was raised that way. my parents were happy to have a daughter. i was given the toys i wanted, and i liked both "girly" and "boyish" ones. i was praised for my curiosity, creativity, pursuit of knowledge. i was called a leader type. my period was celebrated (and when i got my first period, my mom bought me a huge pizza). yet i am still traumatised by femininity standards. it's great when your parents treat you with kindness, but there will always be people who don't. not to mention that, for some reason, my mom was all i described above, yet still forced feminine appearance on me when i was a teenager (makeup, hair, clothes). the issue runs so deep it's horrifying. i also have adhd, and i was pretty much the "boy" standard, loud, hyperactive, disrespectful towards teachers... but for some reason, that didn't give me an early diagnosis...

Hello, Anon!

I've been expecting and sort of hoping for a message like this! The thing is, that post is one of my (as in, by mod Lavender) most popular posts, it circulates a lot whenever someone finds it, and it's also sparked a lot of commentary. But despite this, I personally don't consider the post a very succesful one.

I've been reading the tags and comments, and many have shared their experiences, not very different from yours. Stories about how no matter how great the home was, there was still the wider world with its prejudices waiting; that getting a good and loving upbringing didn't undo gender stereotypes pushed on female people outside the immediate family.

The post has genuinely moved some women, which I'm happy about, while others have been deeply frustrated, some even offended and angry. I suppose when a post like that gets a lot of notes, that's inevitable.

But the reading the post has been getting isn't one that I was aiming for.

My original idea was to imagine a girl growing up in a matriarchy. Matriarchy would have its own set of norms that would be just as accepted and natural as the current ones we live under. So what would a society where the girls are a priority look like? That would mean no concept of patriarchal femininity. I think she would be valued for her inner qualities, encouraged to explore and learn a wide range of skills, and free of fear and shame targeting the female body and sexuality. She would enter adulthood ready to live her own life to its full potential, without being weighed down by expectations of servitude or fear of being out of line. So seeing so many readers focus only on the personal level, I can't help but feel that my original intention didn't come through like I had hoped.

While writing, I was thinking of various things I've read about how girls and boys are raised differently. On such thing was a study that showed how adults are more likely to pick soft toys for female toddlers, while male toddlers were given stuff like building blocks and toy cars even though they all had the same selection available to them. I vaguely remember the study pointing out that heavier toys made with hard materials and moving parts are more interesting and help develope fine motor skills, whereas plushies don't provide the same benefits. And of course, socializing boys to take interest in mechanical stuff, being creative, and taking initiative starts already at this stage, while girls are directed towards playing the nurturer and being cute. So, in my mind, the points about how a family would raise the girl, what kind of toys she gets, and how the teachers and peers would react to her growing up, connected to society as a whole, not simply to choices made by an individual family.

Many women in the tags and comments have shared, like you, that their family gave them pretty much all that my original post lists, but that didn't mean they were immune to societal and cultural influences. Which I definitely agree with: it is a very valuable insight to just how much power society outside of family units holds. How just one family - or even just your mother - can't undo what the society and culture as a whole pushes.

And because I agree, I thought I had succesfully imagined that it's not just the family that celebrates the girl, but the culture as a whole. The culture would be what guides the family, instead of the family desperately going aganst the culture.

In the end, I'm happy that so many women have been so moved by the image I painted with that post. I'm also glad it's sparked so much conversation, and even debate. My original intention didn't come through like I wanted to, but that's fine. For some time I've thought about adding commentary to the post itself, but ultimately decided not to interfere with it, but leave it to the community as it is. Regardless of what I intended to do, I think that the conversation the post sparked is so valuable it deserved to unfold without me cutting in to explain myself.

So thank you for your message, and for this opportunity to say something about it! Thank you for sharing your experience, it's all very valuable to women as a whole.

-Lavender

[rpbetter]

PTSD or C-PTSD?

Hopefully, you’re not one of the muns out there who has slapped a “PTSD” label on your muse(s) for drama only. You are, instead, treating this topic with respect and the realism that comes with that, not only having it accurately impact your muse when it’s convenient and “fun” for you. Well, that respect and realism includes actually knowing and applying the correct diagnosis and symptoms as well.

In your defense, if you have misdiagnosed your muse, common terminology in media and even among trauma sufferers is often just the blanket-statement of PTSD. Also, as the abbreviations imply, they do have things in common. 

To help, I’m going to break down their differences and similarities, then provide some research links including personal accounts to help you get started.

PTSD

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder most often comes from a single traumatic event.

What can be a traumatic event can differ widely, and reasonably so; we’re not all the same person, processing events and emotions the same way, or with the same formative life experiences. What might cause PTSD to develop in one person might be processed by another as a frightening or painful incident, but not one that has left them with PTSD. The symptoms, individual, and incident have to all be taken into account.

That being said, some examples would include:

having a severe accident

being mugged or in a store that is robbed

physical or sexual assault

being involved in a shooting, in any way

death of a loved one

an unexpected explosion or sudden, natural event like a mudslide or tornado

a severe natural or man-made disaster (building collapse, mass flooding)

events outside of oneself like witnessing a violent assault, murder, deadly car accidents, terminal illness or injury

Again, it is important to remember that individuals react in individual ways, and as such, their symptoms can express with some variation. Don’t just mimic the same presentations you’ve seen in media, research a variety of real experiences.

However they manifest, key symptoms of PTSD include:

Re experiencing the event by way of nightmares, flashbacks, and repetitive, intrusive, and intensely upsetting images, thoughts, and sensations. This is the most common symptom of PTSD, in which the person involuntarily and vividly relives the trauma.

Avoidance and emotional numbing, going to extremes to avoid not just potential triggers, but also finding any way possible to push memories of the event out of their minds. When the latter occurs and is extreme, the person is trying to feel nothing at all, seeking a path to emotional numbness. That can include substance use and abuse, self-harming, and other harmful behaviors.

Feeling on edge (”Hyperarousal”) is the ultimate inability to relax, constantly looking for threats, perceiving threats that are not to be found, and being easily startled. Some of the common issues with being locked into this state include difficulty sleeping or even insomnia, severe irritability and irrational seeming aggression, angry or aggressive outbursts, and finding concentration difficult to impossible.

Some other things that might develop with PTSD are:

Other mental health concerns like anxiety, depression, and/or phobias

as said above, harmful behaviors like self-harming and substance abuse

physical symptoms like headaches, stomach and digestive upsets, dizziness, and generalized pain

Like all disorders, PTSD is complex. I, again, implore you to research not only information put out by psychiatric professionals but also the experiences of real people.

C-PTSD

Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder occurs when a person experiences repeated, consistent trauma, especially at an early age.

That doesn’t mean that adults cannot and do not develop C-PTSD, they do, and for a variety of reasons; adult sufferers have the same points of origin in the diagnosis as children do. Additionally, it may take years for someone to seek help, feel their symptoms are severe enough to need to, or be able to extricate themselves from the situation in order to receive help of any kind. They may be an adult by the time this happens.

The important thing to remember about C-PTSD is that it isn’t a single traumatic incident, and you are more likely to have this form of PTSD if the trauma occurred early in life, it was inflicted by someone close to you, and/or was inflicted by someone you still see on a regular basis.

Some good examples to give you the idea include:

ongoing domestic violence

child abuse and/or neglect

being raised by a parent with a severe disorder like Narcissistic Personality Disorder

repeatedly witnessing violence or abuse

torture

kidnapping

being a part of a cult

being a victim of human trafficking or slavery

It isn’t “complex” because it is always across the board “more severe.” This isn’t simply “even worse PTSD,” and shouldn’t be treated like that. Its source is more complex, the development and embedded varieties of its impact are, and the ongoing treatment is.

Particularly when C-PTSD occurs in childhood, there are lasting effects on a person’s development. They have developed in an environment that constantly has them highly stressed both physically and psychologically, and in which they learn many ways of coping, lessening or negating harm, and so on, that leave them less than optimally functional and integrated in life outside the situation.

While the person has the symptoms of PTSD, they will additionally exhibit:

difficulty developing and/or maintaining relationships of any sort

intense, consistent feelings of worthlessness, shame, and guilt

problems managing and even understanding their own emotions

suicidal thoughts

dissociation

increased risk-taking behaviors

Those who have had their actual development rerouted to deal with the situations that generate C-PTSD have a higher incidence of physical symptoms, suicide, self-harm, substance abuse, and are at higher risk of repeat victimization.

They might go for some time without realizing that their daily experiences are neither the norm nor something sustainable, or how atypical their traumatic experiences were compared to those around them. It can sometimes take a serious life-event (suicide attempt, drug rehab, losing too many jobs, homelessness, or finding themselves in a genuine, loving relationship) for them to fully recognize something is wrong, and even then, their feelings of worthlessness, ingrained lack of self-confidence, and belief that they don’t deserve any better can prevent them from seeking help outside of themselves.

They may also believe that something is just “wrong” with them, that they are innately messed up, or that they have a different mental illness. And the unwillingness to open up to people, relieve events, etc. can additionally leave them unwilling to seek or continue care when they believe they have a different, underlying problem. Again, choosing to deal with this themselves through self-isolating, self-medicating, and seeking only relationships and jobs that will work within the framework of the disorder as it effects them.

Additionally, many sufferers of both C-PTSD and PTSD experience the same sense of societal shaming surrounding mental illness. They may struggle with denial, and refuse to seek assistance due to the stigma and all it entails.

Shared aspects of PTSD and C-PTSD

They’re both, obviously, severe, life-altering trauma experiences and resultant disorders. They both easily make the sufferer feel like the trauma and disorder is impossible or undesirable for others to deal with, that they are not worthy of being in close relationships, among many other similarities in experience living with either disorder regardless of widely varying traumas.

They share psychological and physical impacts, and there is a lot of overlap.

The core symptoms of PTSD are shared with C-PTSD:

relieving the trauma(s)

avoiding and emotional numbing

hyperarousal

The shared physical symptoms can include:

headaches

nausea, stomach ache, and digestive upsets

difficulty sleeping and insomnia

sweating, clamminess

chest pain and difficulty breathing

manifestations of low-grade to severe pain

dizziness

Shared behaviors can include:

difficulty concentrating to outright dissociating

self-harm

substance abuse

being hyper-vigilant, easily startled

may seem to be over-reactive to/in situations that others are perceiving as normal or not that big of a deal due to lower perception of personal emotions and lower emotional regulation

including explosive anger or defensiveness

development of anxiety and depression disorders, the symptoms thereof

Again, both PTSD and C-PTSD are serious disorders caused by trauma, and they both need to be treated with respect and accuracy when written into a character - be that an OC or a canon character. It is unfortunate, but these symptoms and the realities of life with either disorder are often portrayed badly in wider media, and the RPC often imitates what it sees.

PTSD and C-PTSD, like the incidents of trauma that created them (rape, child abuse, domestic violence, miscarriage, etc.), are not a plot-point, other point of interest, or a character trait, let alone a “character flaw.” They’re not something you only bring up for attention, to get your muse out of a bad spot, or to add dramatics when you’re bored in a thread. Neither are they something you need to attach to your muse simply to give them A Label. These are, I cannot stress this enough, serious topics, and they deserve to be treated that way.

You can do that by defining which variety of PTSD your muse may actually have, then adding research of both the disorder and how it impacts a variety of real people. Making your muse more realistic and being dedicated to sticking with it.

Below are some links to get you started on research! Please note, the real stories, as well as some information, may be graphic or triggering. Read responsibly.

C-PTSD

Out of the Storm - Personal Stories of C-PTSD 

-Contains real stories from those with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Their experiences have a huge range; bullying, childhood neglect and abuse, and sexual abuse and assault.

 I Have Post-Traumatic Stress and Didn’t Know It - and You Might, Too

-Personal story of living, unknowingly, with C-PTSD. An especially great read for writers who have muses who hold a lot of responsibility in their daily lives, who may not realize their experiences are C-PTSD related, etc. Contains discussion of parental emotional abuse, mental illness and childhood trauma, and rape.

What is C-PTSD?

-Excellent resource for detailed breakdowns of C-PTSD giving without a clinical, impersonal tone. The definitions of the disorder itself, symptoms and how it manifests and impacts daily life, and much more. A highly recommended source, and one with further resources on-site.

 11 “Habits” of People Living with C-PTSD

-Short breakdown of C-PTSD, followed by snippets of specific experiences in the words of those living with the disorder, a relatively short article.

PTSD

Rebecca’s Story: Living with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

-Personal story of a woman living with PTSD from, in short, being stalked by a co-worker. It’s an excellent article, particularly for how mental illnesses sufferers are treated and portrayed, and how that adds another layer of difficulty to their lives. Obviously, this may be triggering to those who have been stalked, and includes mentions of graphic threats.

My experience of PTSD

-A personal story of medical trauma resulting in PTSD. Many of the PTSD stories you’ll find are from women and involve sexual trauma or harassment, in trying to find a variety of stories, I’ve found this one. By this point, you should be noticing many similarities in these stories, regardless of specific trauma.

Leaving the Battlefield: Soldier Shares Story of PTSD

-So many muses experience PTSD through battle-related incidents, and those depictions are not always accurate in media. This is a personal story about one soldier’s experiences. His perception of PTSD, denial, and shame at having the disorder is something that echoes throughout the previous accounts. So do the similarities of daily struggles to maintain to regular life. Before anyone wants to get Tumblr Nasty about it: there isn’t any “war propaganda” present in this story, the location of it is irrelevant to what you’re supposed to be learning here. It’s literally this man’s experience, don’t.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder 

-Breakdown of symptoms and causes from Mayo Clinic, so obviously, this is more clinical-minded. Particularly useful for its lists of things like “symptoms of negative changes in thinking and mood” and increased risk-factor for other disorders.

I hope this helps you to assess and write more accurately your muses with C-PTSD or PTSD, and to consider these things more fully when having your muse experience a traumatic event in your plots.

-------

Please, remember when you are reading these accounts, and anywhere you might encounter PTSD sufferers; these are REAL PEOPLE. Treat them and their stories with respect. You’ll note that, unlike other posts on this blog, I didn’t advise you to approach the source. Many trauma sufferers won’t be comfortable sharing their experiences for the sake of your creative hobby. You may, at your respectful discretion, discuss this with close friends you know to be impacted by PTSD, just keep in mind that respect, discretion, and only bringing the topic up when they are comfortable with it, with specific questions, is necessary here. These are not fictional characters! Do not write someone’s real experiences into your character, thread, etc. verbatim, that’s...fucked up. Thanks in advance for being responsible, respectful adults, from a real life PTSD sufferer. -Vespertine

[lightinalexandria]

Love, Men, Women, and LGBTQ+ Life in Egypt

August 13, 2021 اغسطس ١٣

A good friend posed the question to me this week of asking “Where are you local?” Instead of “Where are you from?” I might even tweak that slightly to “Where do you feel at home?” For most of us, and in fact for most other places I’ve lived, the equation is a simple line graph. More time, more familiarity, more comfort, more feeling like home. I’m challenged here, at the end of my second summer in Egypt, with a different calculus.

The more I speak with my friends and teachers in their “heart language” of Arabic, the more I see how deep the generosity, sociability, and collective spirit run. Not all my friends are Muslim, but I see these traits represented in the 5 Pillars of Islam beautifully, and I’ve been told so in many different ways.

That’s the part that feels more like home. But of course, if it was all sunshine this would be a different story. This is not a happy post. I don’t have any female friends here who are truly, uncomplicatedly happy. I don’t have any queer friends here who are truly, uncomplicatedly happy.

Of course that doesn’t mean there are no happy females in Egypt; my internationally minded, English speaking group isn’t representative, I know, and I’ve had many conversations with more conservative teachers and friends about the contentment that can come from living inside a more rigid structure.

But…I don’t know everyone in Egypt. I just know my friends. And many of them are desperately, painfully unhappy, stressed, in ways that I understand more fully the longer I’m here. I think “right and wrong” or “good and bad” are wildly unhelpful terms, so when I’m trying to understand how I feel about these societal norms and systems, the right to happiness of my friends is my bellwether. Systems that make more people happier without hurting others are ones I want to support, period, which also means my anecdotal circle can’t be my only data points. I’m a little nervous where those conclusions might lead me, dancing around big questions of class and culture and religion, but more nervous not to draw a line in the sand with the best metric I know and explore from there.

Apparently sexual harassment has decreased a bit since the government put some teeth into a new anti-harassment law a couple years ago and they made an example of a few offenders. That’s nice. The street -especially at night- still does NOT feel like a safe or friendly place, and I just get tiny glimpses of that walking near female friends. Life is lived in the streets here, the pedestrian density like Times Square, always, so the sheer volume of people quickly makes crowd thoughts and judgement evident. Sitting with a female friend at anything but a super upscale cafe, I see the glances and catch bits of the conversation as they pass judgement on her for hanging out with me. What a wild thought, that any conversation I have with an Egyptian women starts with the brave act of her choosing to engage at all, know the subtle pressures that will start in from all sides. One of my friends who wears a hijab told me that when she went to Cairo, she brought extra wide clothes to walk the streets with, and it didn’t matter. She got just as many comments as when she was back in tights clothes.

Who gets the blame? Young men have so few opportunities to interact with young women outside immediate circles, period, but are still somehow supposed to meet a potential bride and move her into the new house that he’ll buy with cash savings from the extended family? Old black and white Egyptian movies show women in skirts and t-shirts, and Egyptian music videos show Western dressed Egyptian women gyrating, but aside from a few pockets of wealth and international society in Alexandria, those images of women don’t exist in the real world here. Men are allowed and encouraged to date casually, but women are called sluts for kissing someone who may not be an eventual husband. Women are supposed to protect their virginity, while men want to fool around with lots of women but settle down with a virgin bride. The math doesn’t work. My heart goes out to the working class men in an impossible, frustrating position, society and politics conspiring against biology, but while they have to worry about their reputation, women here worry about reputation AND safety, always.

And LGBTQ+? First of all, it’s just so difficult to have intimate relations here -every lives with family, you can’t be intimate until you’re married, you can’t be married until you own a house, you can be arrested in public spaces for PDA, and no one will rent rooms to an unmarried couple-. That means there is a SIGNIFICANT percentage of the men here who sleep with other men, feel shame, would never consider themselves gay, and would only consent to being a “top.” Honestly, it reminds me of what I know of the sexual politics in prison culture, except no one’s in a physical prison here.

Sexual health is also a huge challenge; access to STI testing apart from HIV is impossible for unmarried women and hugely expensive for men. Someone in my circle here had complications from a “Plan B” pill and wasn’t able to go to a gynecologist as an unmarried woman. Someone else was hospitalized for an unrelated illness, and jubilant that as part of the hospital stay, insurance would cover the full battery of STI screening before surgery, the first time in a very active sexual life they’d ever had that. Someone else just lost a friend to HIV; they told the family it was cancer, but were too ashamed to seek the HIV treatment pills, and died in a few months.

Mental health has its own obstacles. Someone I know was told by a licensed therapist they were going to hell if they kept sleeping with men, unmarried. I heard that from women and queer friends as well. How do you establish a relationship of trust in the first place if licensed practitioners in the country are able to say things like that in the privacy of their sessions without consequences?

So, full circle to the beginning of the post. “Where do you feel local?” or “Where do you feel at home?”

I feel infinitely more familiar and comfortable here than my first few weeks, no denying that. 95% of the time I can make myself understood in daily life (very different than understanding 95% of what’s being said to ME in daily life, but progress). I can call businesses here to ask questions. I can tell meandering stories. I can cross the comically busy and chaotic streets without an adrenaline spike. I run into friends on the street most days, and my last 100 meters from my neighborhood entrance to apartment involves a dozen different greetings and little conversations. I have my favorite….everything; food carts, Syrian sweets, juice shops, rotisseries, beaches, bars, cafes, and a good rapport with the folks working there. I have a lot of lovely but more surface level relationships, and a few real and intimate friendships. All that DOES feel local, does feel like home.

If feeling local or at home here means giving any kind of tacit acceptance to the norms that make my friends so unhappy, though, I don’t want to claim the label. I also don’t feel like I have any right or power as an outsider to do much more than listen, affirm, connect to resources when I can. I left China after staying in Xinjiang province and seeing the government’s cultural genocide of Uighur society, and I haven’t been back since. (You can read my writings at the time with the link here) What’s my path here in Egypt? Love the player, hate the game? Can I come back next summer and complete my 6 months of study plan, knowing I float through a golden bubble of American male protection I can’t extend to my friends here? I really don’t know yet. No wise or pithy ending sentence here. Just a lot of hurt, a mixed bag of emotions, and a whole lot of people who deserve uncomplicated love and happiness.

[chocolate-failure]

I remember having a heated discussion with dig about transitioning. I spoke about feeling pressured to look more feminine in the attempts to capture this perception of femininity that was seemingly lost to me. I felt as though I needed to fit more readily into society's concept of femininity to satisfy the people around me and feel something I have no capacity to fully understand nor feel. So things like having a bigger chest and more curves seemed like the holy grail. That maybe if I looked feminine enough I'd feel it somehow.

Dig took this and drew false equivalencies between it and transitioning. As though I was taking one societal norm and swapping it out for another. Why can't I just accept myself without changing? See, at face value these things seem very similar but are entirely different not only in intent and value but potential outcomes.

For the longest time I didn't understand my disconnect with conventional femininity as a disconnect but more as a deficiency. The second I understood and came to grips with being agender I no longer saw where I was as lacking in any way but part of a journey. The transition starts from the inside out while the pressure to change starts from the outside in. My own feelings inform my presentation and not the other way around. My feelings are not informed by society but my own idea of who I'd like to be. While it's painstaking and frustrating at times it is my undertaking, my journey, not something I was conscripted into out of shame or feelings of inadequacy.

And of course my concept of self is a reflection of what I consume and internalize as a person. It's like a semi permeable membrane rather than a one way flow of traffic but the amount of processing matters. When you are told or made to feel not good enough you internalize that negativity and change your appearance to reflect what others want ie. you need bigger boobs to be truly feminine. On the other hand, the transition process is the product of synthesis of various stimuli taken in, processed, and transposed over oneself then projected outward and synthesized again. There is a shit ton of introspection and self reflection that simply is not present in the case of being told you're unattractive or not [insert descriptor] enough. Whilr both experiences can mirror each other in intensity, the mental processing entailed in transition is so much more complex than societal pressure to change oneself and it's reductive to conflate the two.

[theorynexus]

The 30th One: In Which ROMANCE Is Discussed

That is an interesting effect that I have not heard of happening in real life~

This is definitely a conversation that I thought they’d have had before, but I guess those three just like repeating stuff, based on what’s been said before. I am not opposed to some useful exposition to the audience about things that we have missed for the sake of also demonstrating that Jade is constantly pushing for the development of their romance, which had been said but not shown, earlier~

And yet trolls have been talking about this with humans nearly as far back as their formal reveal (I don’t want to pinpoint the exact moment it began, considering all the skipping around from different temporal perspectives that was going around at the time), and humans in real life have been discussing troll romance+using it as a way to discuss romance in other series/franchises from nearly the point it was properly explained. Be a big boy, Karkat, and don’t treat these guys as if they don’t already know possibly far too much about the topic. (Not to mention the fact that I’m sure that you know that they know about it, you derp head!)

I do quite appreciate the idea of them being special enough to each other that it goes beyond the norms and/or labels of traditional romance in either culture, considering the lore relating to the Ancestor Trolls (particularly the Signless, and his own suppose matesprit). Karkat being Dave’s Karkat, and Dave being Karkat’s Dave sort of works toward that logic being fulfilled. On the other hand, I feel somewhat conflicted insofar as this could suggest that Dave still has a bit in the way of hangups concerning perceived “homosexual behavior,” which I thought that he had gotten over by this point. As such, this could be interpreted as character regression.   I, personally, think that it seems pretty natural: while a character might have epiphanies, sometimes it is hard to put what one mentally realizes at one point into practice, and therefor to so cement it in one’s mind and being. It’s also quite rational if one or both of them feared potentially hurting their relationship by pushing things too far.  Most importantly, though: they don’t have to push things into a more physical direction if they don’t have to. Relationships between loving and consenting individuals don’t necessarily have to be restricted/oriented to societal norms/expectations. If they are fine with bonding in other ways, then that is fine. Jade does not necessarily overstep by bringing up these sorts of questions, though, especially considering what she’s feeling, and how things are between them. It makes a great deal of sense for someone in her situation to question and see if things can be properly laid out/codified/disambiguated. 

I do like that Karkat brings that line of thought up. Also, I would just like to say: friendship does not necessarily need to stop at the borders of romance. Romantic partners, optimally, should have been friends to begin with, and that friendship should continue after the beginning of a relationship that extends into romantic territory. (On a related note: Before the scientific drives that humans began exhibiting in earnest around the mid 1800s took hold, friendships had a capacity to be much deeper than they often are today, as well, to the point that it was quite normal and even expected that a person would have a bond deeper than the one that would be shared with one’s sexual partner [read: husband/wife, in most circumstances, for having lovers outside of marriage was not anywhere near as accepted at the time, with the exception of kings/queens and perhaps the higher tiers of nobility-- because it pays to be powerful, I guess] with one or more of the dearest companions that one possessed. It is honestly sort of a shame that sexual drives and fulfilling them have become such a big part of modern culture. Honestly, that may detract from the formation of deeper and more fulfilling relationships.) Honestly, I really do understand Karkat’s frustration, here. He comes from a society where intimate relationships are not related to or restricted by gender/sex at all, so it remaining a bit confusing that the concept of “gay” keeps being brought up (even if it does not necessarily persist as something that is relevant on that planet; I am not certain: it’s left as ambiguous whether this is sortof a hang-up that Jade has, or if it continues to be used in society at large) is something to be expected.  I’m sure that part of the reason they are “Dave and Karkat” is as a sort of compromise. The two of them likely don’t want to have to deal with labeling what they are, in order to avoid the perceived weird interactions between human and troll notions of romance.

Oh, she was still wearing glasses. For some reason, “lenses” made me think of contact lenses. Must be a bit too early in the morning. 

Hey, you can have a whole lot of fun staying in. Regardless:  I guess I sortof understand what Jade means, there. She wanted to potentially experience what it might be like, even if she couldn’t get Karkat and Dave to make the dive with her. It makes it out like she was using the two chess people as stand-ins, which is rather cruel, honestly, but at the same time, I know that people who are desperate can potentially do things that otherwise might not seem too rational (such as pursuing a relationship outside of the one she really wants). It’s not too crazy, and I’m quite surprised that Karkat seems surprised by this. I guess maybe he convinced himself that that meant Jade had given up, for a while.

I do wonder if this is meant to suggest if Karkat is entirely uncomfortable with a polyamorous relationship (which could be a little weird to some extent, considering a troll being involved in one is honestly rather normal, though I guess it’s not necessarily super common, given the difficulties in balancing relationships that were associated with such an arrangement?), or if it’s just that he’s worried that Jade is a bit too flaky, and needs more experience being in a stable relationship before he’s comfortable “risking things” by including her. ... Oh, and Dave using flash step to dodge his wrist being grabbed was pretty hilarious.

I thought the expected limit was four. Hmm.  That said: accidentally, huh?  Heh. I wonder how much this is intended as continued flirtation on Jade’s part. I’m sure she understands the concepts of kismesisitude quite well enough to put that kind of effort/pressure into things (particularly under the lens that she seems to be interpreting the two of them as being flushed, rather than pale in relations, meaning that having a third person as a pitched partner could be considered optimal, assuming a set of three was all that was included, here).

A very valid question!   And also one that is very funny to see the reaction to.

***laughs hysterically***    (On a random note:  Dog hormones were previously mentioned as being a thing that she deals with.  This makes me question if she is in fact in heat right at the moment... which is a really weird thing to be bringing up in analysis of someone who at least used to be a human being, but, really, is made somewhat necessary here. I don’t even know how to begin properly guessing whether or not that’s the case, though, so I guess this is probably about where the inquiry must stop: wondering.)

This is an extremely strange and silly conversation. ***wonders if this is about to cause mention of the Sufferer, or if the obvious comparison and possible in-story inspiration for/with Jesus is going to be ignored***

***begins to laugh like Karkat, especially as a result of the Problem Sleuth reference***

[epochryphal]

fictionkin anon (kind of unwieldy as a name) 3/ I worry that from poking around those links I'm going to develop shame from the other side by disrespecting the idea of fictionkin. 'you're just latching onto a favorite character, you don't actually /feel/ it.' other concerns: alien character when going outside of the human boundary feels even more taboo than human fictionkin stuff, character that is referred to as male when I'm agender (but alien genders???)

you can go by fk? that’s a Cool name right

the whole being firmly guided away from “kin” is a real thing & worry, yeah, from all sides. there are a lot of folks who have strong opinions about **it’s identifying AS, not identifying WITH** and very firm boundary lines and “it’s not LESSER to not be kin, you just AREN��T - but you can make your own community, people are starting to” and...

well.

there’s a lot to discuss around “words should have definitions” and “identities are tools to connect to people with *similar* experiences, not *exact* ones” — and maybe you’ve seen me wrestle with that about neutrois, back in the day, the way neutrois vs agender vs genderless was an Issue and the boundaries were being actively hammered out and there were camps for and against dysphoria as the difference

but i’ve been through a lot of nb, ace-spec, aro-spec, and general mogai wordsmithing and community boundary wriggling (and of course the current exclusionist movement), and my feel is increasingly that the kin and alterhuman and nonhuman communities can be eerily similar

if someone’s telling you “you’re weakening the meaning of [asexual / kin], you should use [grey-asexual / otherhearted]” or the like... They Suck

maybe it sounds pedantic of me to insist that they Not Say That but saying “oh, that’s not usually how i/my cohort interprets it, and have you considered this other word that to me sounds potentially more relevant?”

but i think those qualifiers are deeply needed; that no one should be a self- or community-appointed Authority as to Sounds Like Us, because that will always go awry; and that the true awful pedantry lies in insisting that the Word Choices with which someone tries to express their experience Points to what that experience Truly is, when um, we all have different relationships to language and english

bluhbluh you know i’m about broad inclusion and grey areas and solidarity and there being room for people to messily grasp to articulate things

anyway i *would* unfortunately recommend staying away from most Otherkin Forums, or at least looking into how they gatekeep (“encourage proper reflection and proof of serious consideration rather than faddishness to prevent later confusion and a loss of meaningfulness to the term”).

if someone is asking you questions that Don’t Feel Useful, are Pressurey, feel Prying and Unbalancing in a way that you’re not sure is helping — i’d recommend stepping away from them. maybe contemplate/discuss those questions/feelings, sure, it can be hard to tell if it’s a paradigm-shift good-identity-crisis unbalanced — but do it on your own or with someone else. you can always come back to that person later if you feel they were a positive influence.

it’s okay to split up the roles of “being given food for thought or challenged” and “being given a safe[r] space to process your truth.” nobody can handle Intense Questions all the time, and you’re not required to Defend your Conclusions about yourself.

(also, shocker, a lot of the gatekeepers are specifically against fictionkin-without-Solid-Memories and other atypical folks. because ‘glitch’ isn’t a legit, Serious identity but ‘psychopomp’ has Spiritual Tradition. anyway.)

...that’s my longass spiel on “disrespecting the idea/core meaning of fictionkin” because that’s bullshit if it’s being used to mean “watering down our TRUTH with your DEVIATING from our DEFINITION” instead of the truly disrespectful “lol wtf this isn’t real.”

as for alien & gender things:

ok gender is actually easier to address. hi hello why am i kin with all these dudes when i am Not Dude? especially with one whose fandom depiction is Cis Male Gay With Masculinity Hangups? well you see it’s because fuck off. fuck off is why. iterations, versions, au’s, headcanons, why is this character Essentially Male oh look they’re not. oh no i’m Losing part of the Point- fuck off. nono i’m Erasing FUCK OFF. is it because male characters are generally better written? is it because it’s easier to relate to non-women due to dysphoria and representation and misogyny and- God Fuck Off. who cares. i do not. i did not Pick this and, just like my kinks, just like my grey-asexuality, it is not Actually a Political or EthicoMoral Statement about me. write your thinkpiece about the prevalence of male characters in fictionkin spaces but remember that’s societal not individual. we ain’t Betraying the Anti-Patriarchy or Representation. god. we’re usually transforming them into our gender because they’re us!! and of course it’s scarier to claim a woman character as a different gender because *that’s* oh no decreasing representation!

gender is a fuck and is utterly irrelevant to Legitimacy Of Connection. arguing otherwise is falling prey to some creepy essentialist shit, often framed as not being appropriative but actually motivated by some idea of Hard Boundary Lines or by trolls. (the idea that “you can’t kin outside your race” was popularized by trolls masquerading as marginalized. and extended into “you can’t have fictives of a different race” etc which is NOT HOW BRAINS WORK. just be respectful. and know a lot of people are sensitive to any discussion of Not This World negative experiences, as if it’s always trying to overwrite them with More Oppression Points and is a Threat. sucks.)

aliens is. shrug. “oh look they’re trying to be so Special” is already in play. they say that about anyone who “makes a big deal” aka has an intense non-normative experience, wants to talk about it, considers words.

these taboos are against being Cringey and Like A Teenage Girl and caring about something Weird and being Kinda Crazy. why not embrace the whole fucking package? why stop at “well, *human* characters aren’t too attention-seeking” when the point is what resonates with you and they’ll always call you a Bad Bad Attention Seeker anyway?

i’m not super empathetic about these last two problems i guess, sorry, i’ve been a proud outcast for way too long. it can be hard to swallow in a new arena, i know. but man, restricting yourself to the Less Cringey TM sector of a widely-mocked thing feels kinda pointless to me.

/will answer next part separately because Long, Jeez

also if you didn’t see! in the notes on my last reply to you, @paradife-loft was offering to jam with you about not-claiming-fictionkin-but feels (and has Excellent villain meta as well)

[tipsycad147]

13 SIGNS YOU’RE A WITCH.

~ Image: Vintage, June Haver, 1940’s ~

People often ask me, “How do you know you’re a witch?” Most often, the question beneath the question is, “Am I a witch?

Am I magic

?” Often, they ask a little nervously because of the shadow that shames the word.

We owe that shadow to the patriarchy — the masculine societal rule that has pervaded the planet for over five thousand years. This is important — not male, not gender, but a perversion of masculine energy which brutalised, raped, suppressed the feminine.

The witch-hunts of Salem and Europe whipped up a hysterical mob mentality against women, against the feminine.

It rounded up and killed the wise women, the natural healers, any women with land they wanted or those outside of the societal status quo, who refused to conform to Christian and Patriarchal rule.

Basically, in fear of the power of the feminine, women, the earth, and its creatures, were slaughtered under false and hysterical pretenses.

It is crucial we reclaim ourselves and the beauty, power, heritage of the word Witch. A witch’s purpose is the very earth we need to save.

Witches love the earth, and worship nature. I repeat, Nature, not Satan. The latter is a myth — including that we are wart-on-nose Halloween-mask-scary ugly — that we owe to patriarchal Hollywood movies.

Truth is, witches are as beautiful as nature herself and do no harm. They live by the rule of three, a karmic understanding that everything they do comes back to them threefold. The more we kill the earth, the more we kill ourselves.

For as long as we can remember, we have been taught to fear ourselves as well as nature. Witches however, relish their wild nature and align themselves with the cycles of the earth and the phases of the Moon.

For many women, to reclaim the word Witch is to reclaim one’s self and her relationship to the Great Mother.

So, because I love to de-stigmatise, and re-honour the big beautiful juicy word Witch, the answer I give, when someone asks me if they are one, is Yes.

If you think you are a witch, you are a witch — meaning you are a Goddess, Priestess, Healer, Shaman, Wise Woman. Here is a round up of 13 moonlit and mystical signs you might be a witch:

1. Earth Powers. A witch is a woman of the earth. We inherit her natural powers of birth, transformation, healing, rebirth. These are the powers of woman, one in the same with the powers of the earth.

“Where there is woman, there is magic.” ~ Ntozake Shange

Do you find the answers to life through the patterns of Mother Nature? Is her wisdom your wisdom? Are you, your life and body, aligned with her seasons?

For instance, are you on fire — sexually and creatively in the Summer, letting go and cutting out what does not serve in the Fall, dying to the old in the dark silence of Winter, and reborn in the Spring?

2. Wisdom. Do you find yourself bubbling from an internal cauldron of ancient natural healing wisdom?

Are people drawn to you to sit by your fire and discuss life and all its fury, pain, love and wonder? Do you end up sending them off with hope in their hearts, and perhaps a tincture, a potion, an herbal remedy (you are familiar with the properties of plants), or even a ritual or two?

In other words, when shit hits the fan, is it you they come to?

3. Nature. Do you live by or in the woods, or by a body of water — and if not, do you long to?

Witches, being intricately intertwined with nature, embodying the powers of the Great Mother herself, long to be as close to her natural beauty and power as possible. Many do their rituals by the water or in the woods. You have most likely always felt at home in nature.

4. Storms. Are you not afraid of storms? In fact do you revel in the power of Mother Nature at her most visceral? And do you sometimes wonder if you yourself — your passion and energy — caused the storm?

5. Animal Nature. Are animals naturally attracted to you, and do you love them as well, so much that you cry empathetically with the creatures of this planet? Do you naturally know their totems, and find wisdom and insight in their visits/appearances in your life?

Do lost dogs follow you home, do birds fly into your windows, do horses rush towards you in the fields and place their long necks on your shoulders? Do you find you can speak to them? Heal them?

Witches and animals are so aligned with nature that they speak a similar energetic language and recognise each other.

6. The Moon. Are you drawn, pulled, and moved by the moon’s energy? Have you gazed at her, spoken to her, been flooded by her light since you were a little girl? Are you aligned with her phases?

For instance, do you start new projects and relationships when she waxes (grows full), do things peak and culminate — and tend to go a little crazy — around you while she is full, and are you drawn to let things go, or end relationships and patterns, as she wanes?

On the New Moon, in the darkest of nights, do you sit with the mystery, the emptiness and unknown, the potential and possibility of the dark? Do you dream up new plans in the dark of the new moon?

If you answered No, then the above are just a few ways you can attune with the moon’s phases.

7. Powerful. Do you have more than a sneaking suspicion that your wishes come true — good or bad, and are you perhaps a little cautious and in awe of your own power? Have you been called an old soul on the reg?

Witches are as old as time; your eyes — the windows to your soul — hold ancient stories and secrets, myths and mysteries, answers and possibilities.

You were probably speaking ancient truths and wisdom even — or especially — before you forgot your magic, as a little child.

8. Healing. Are you drawn to the healing arts? Do you tend to seek natural or energetic remedies for yourself, and do you offer them to others? Have you ever laid a hand on someone’s bad back, which was fixed the next day? People might also heal just by being around you.

Witches, being so attuned to the earth, are natural healers.

9. Past Life Memories. Do you have painful past life memories or images of being cast out, burned, or drowned — just for being wild, wise, and free you?

Most importantly, are you scarred from for being different, not conforming, for loving who you wanted to love, for speaking the truth/saying what you were called to say — in an old lifetime? This is karma you are awake to heal. It is time to not be afraid, and to be your you-est you.

This is how you will heal your karma, by being unafraid to live your fullest expression. It is your time.

10. Outsider-ness. Have you always felt a little bit of an outsider — nose pressed against the glass of life on earth, while knowing you were actually an insider of a magical tribe, with insider wisdom?

While you never fit in the norm, you knew there was something sacred, secret, special about you — a magic just a few other magical people could see.

You do not run with big crowds; you are a bit more of a sensitive but powerful lone wolf; you need a lot of time to think, dream, recharge, and commune with Source — Nature/The Universe/The Goddess.

11. Mystical Crystals/Accoutrements. You are drawn to beautiful rocks — pieces of earth energy — and you have kept stones like clear quartz, turquoise, rose quartz around you for as long as you can remember, even if you did not know their properties at the time.

They were either given to you, or you picked them up along the way and collected at least a few.

Witches know the properties of the earth’s stones and charge them with — among other things — healing, love, abundance and protective benefits, and are often wearing their special stones in jewellery.

You also love to keep candles around and lit — because candles are invitations to spirits and angels, and create a more magical, divine vibe. And you probably like a good, energy-clearing sage or incense.

12. Magic. Did you believe in magic as a child, see magic in the air and in life? Were you drawn to magical things, creatures, fables, stories, even as you grew older, despite everyone telling you “There Was No Such Thing?”

And despite the rest of the world not believing, did you save some room in your heart for tales of magic, love, and the mystical and mysterious, anyway?

Were you drawn to movies and books about witches, magic, the spooky, the mystical, the unknowable? Have you always thought there was no such thing as a coincidence, that we were not really alone, and this was not all there was?

Do you believe that no-thing means nothing — in other words, everything means something? Do you believe in signs and symbols?

13. More Magic and Divinations. Speaking of signs and symbols — you get premonitions, as if you have an internal crystal ball.

When you are talking about what you think will happen, people tend to perk up and listen. Sometimes you see or feel outcomes — flash-forwards — so far ahead that you find it frustrating when others have not caught up with you! You have dreams and visions, of past lives and the future.

And you can read other people and their energy and intentions fairly well. You have Sixth Sense. It is also a reason why you are drawn to Tarot, Runes, or other mist-parting divinations.

{Photo: glitterwitch.com}

I hope this has helped. These are just 13 signs — you might recognise a few, or a whole lot of these witchy ways. A witch’s message is one of self-love, earth-love, and about the importance of aligning with the phases of the earth and moon. Pretty simple, really.

But at one point, if you were too close with the earth, if you were too wise, too powerful — too much, and definitely too feminine — you were cast out or slain for your largeness and wildness. It need not be so any longer.

It is time to heal your past karma, own your power, wisdom and beauty, and rise, dear ones — the earth needs you, and we, of course, need the earth.

Sarah Durham Wilson

http://www.rebellesociety.com/2014/01/17/13-signs-youre-a-witch/

[goatanddragon]

everybody was kung fu fighting!

[The Shaolin Monks] pursue spiritual peace through mastery of bare-fisted murder.  – The Simpsons, 16x12 “Goo Goo Gai Pan”

To fight is a concept with which every person on the planet is familiar. From the impoverished bowels of third-world countries to the highest echelon of wealthy societies, fighting can almost be heralded as the true universal language. People fight for what they love, against what they hate, for change, for honor, for glory, for money, to stave boredom, to get fit. Every day, wars are waged against both mental and physical obstacles to success. The most personally successful individuals are the ones who brave adversity and courageously do battle with what threatens to block or distract them from their goals. 

Challenging someone to a duel is not a foreign concept in the Western world, but conditions had to be met before making such a challenge was considered socially acceptable. Bound by a set of societal mores (the essential or characteristic customs and conventions of a community, by the dictionary definition), duels were usually made over questions of personal honor. At least superficially, the point of the duel (whether it be carried out with swords, guns, or mano-a-mano) was for each participant to demonstrate a willingness to lay their life on the line for the restoration of honor, either to themselves, their families, or some entity they represented. 

In the Chinese culture (the birthplace of kung fu and by proxy many hundreds of styles of martial arts), such a challenge is called gong sau, or “speak hand.” Plainly, it is a challenge made by one individual to another to test the skills of that individual’s school or style. It was often enacted in private and under relatively civilized conditions. Bruce Lee himself notably engaged in such a fight with the still-living Wong Jack Man at Lee’s school nine years before Lee’s untimely death. The fight was unrecorded and, following tradition, held in near-complete privacy. Performed in good faith, gong sau is meant to enhance a student’s knowledge base and physical versatility, not to harm or disgrace the opponent. These days, many reputable kung fu schools will actually have written policies either barring their students from challenging other schools for the sake of martial morality or greatly restricting the circumstances under which a challenge can occur. Martial arts is a business, and while injuries are common, injuries acquired by way of an outside challenge can potentially irreparably damage a school’s reputation.

So what if the challenger wishes to challenge a member of his own school? Then it is not a question of style or the skill of instruction, but of skill. When does a match between fellow students cross the line of propriety?

Martial artists live by a code set forth by their masters and the school they are trained in. In a traditional martial art like Shaolin kung fu, the mind is trained as much as the body, and attitude is tantamount to effective absorption not only of the physical material, but of the headspace critical to becoming a respected member of the school community. Those students who embody every aspect of wu de (”martial morality”) are seen as pillars of the microcosmic society that is the kung fu school. Martial arts is indeed a sub-culture of the world-at-large, operating with its own norms, rules, traditions, and mores. There is a way a martial artist is expected to behave here, and while new students typically pick it up by power of observation, elder students have been known to correct them verbally when breaches of conduct are observed. It is the duty of higher-ranking belts to do just that, politely but firmly, to school them into the appropriate role of respectful, passionate student.

Enter the Tiger. 

Tiger is the youngest third-degree black belt in the school, a few years my junior but two full ranks (and many chambers) my senior. I do not know the exact timeline or details of his martial arts history, but he began his kung fu training a few years ago as a child, and earned his black belt in Taekwondo before that. He is a champion wrestler and world-champion kung fu competitor numerous times over, cross-trains in groundfighting arts, and is a highly skilled sparring partner. His athletic abilities alone make him somewhat of a marvel to newer and seasoned students alike, martial skill aside. But what makes Tiger truly admirable is his humility, coolheadedness, and unwavering willingness to help any student who asks for it. About martial etiquette he maintains and encourages a historically “traditional” frame of thinking and it comes across very obviously in the way he shows deference to other instructors, treats his students, and handles conflict. Though quite serious when it comes to matters of martial propriety, Tiger is fun-loving, amicable, and always game for a round of sparring. The rest of us students love the uncommon occasions Tiger is able to break away from his personal commitments and come train for the simple reason that he is fun to watch and his great attitude makes him a highly respected, but highly accessible role model. I know of no one who has ventured to disrespect him. In fact, I know of no one who is not completely awestruck at him.

So when, one evening, a white belt walked up to Tiger and challenged him to a fight, I imagine even Tiger was himself was somewhat taken aback.

Enter the White Belt. 

He’s a young man around Tiger’s age, give or take a couple years, with short, curly hair and big, shiny glasses. So fresh to the kwoon his perfectly black uniform still gleams under the fluorescent lights, he approaches Tiger and personally challenges him to a fight. 

I was not present at the time, engaged in a class that was simultaneously occurring. The school was crowded with students that day, and once class ended at 7:30 that evening those who had attended flooded to the back of the school, on their way to locker rooms or the carpet to stretch. As I walked by, equally purposed, I saw Tiger kneeling on the floor, the white belt’s head between his legs, the rest of him all but immobilized as he struggled to buck Tiger off. Tiger, of course, looked as calm and collected as ever, if not slightly irked. Having no picture of what was occurring, as I had just entered the situation, I only got the impression that this wasn’t a usual sparring match.

Fascinated, I reached out to Tiger after the fervor had died down to try and figure out what had happened.

Goat (me): He challenged you?

Tiger: Yes, he did. The issue I had with him was that I specifically told him there was a difference between sparring and challenging someone. I made it clear that if he wanted to spar I would... make it a learning experience. But if he’s asking for a challenge, it’s completely different.

In a martial arts community, I agree wholeheartedly: vernacular is important. Challenging someone seems to imply that the challenger wishes to do the other person some degree of harm to prove a point, barring defense of honor, which was not the context here.

Tiger: I told him that it was inappropriate for him to actually challenge someone at the school, especially at his rank and lack of skill. Said that at this point, he should be seeking help and guidance rather than walking around challenging black belts.

Which is apparently exactly what the young man had been doing. Prior to making his fatal mistake with Tiger, he challenged Monkey, Horse, and a handful of other notable students. With no previous martial arts training except for some summers spent with a grandfather who was apparently proficient in some form of Aikido, he really never stood a chance. 

Goat: Challenging someone to get better sounds exactly like some old-fashioned school-of-hard-knocks bullshit instilled by an overbearing (or at least misguided) father figure. 

Monkey, Dragon, and I got on the subject of the challenge while hanging out at home a few nights later. It was then I first found out the white belt had been challenging other black belts; Monkey revealed he’d been issued (and accepted) a similar challenge, as had Horse. Monkey, naturally, prevailed in the match. I was surprised to hear that after losing to two successive second-degree black belts the young man would bother trying to win against a third-degree, but then, a lack of logic had already proven a recurring theme. Dragon, interestingly, had not been challenged, and expressed rhetorical curiosity as to why. To me, it was glaringly obvious: either he hadn’t gotten around to it, or (more likely), the student was shying from Dragon because, well, Dragon’s a big, scary-looking motherfucker. Tiger and Horse are both of average height and relatively unassuming standing a crowd of students. Monkey is tall but thin. I speculated that the white belt had shown at least some intelligence picking opponents with a body type most similar to his own. Tiger, Horse, and Monkey may have all presented the illusion of being equally manageable.

When I had the chance to introduce myself to the young man (I try to do this with all new students), he told me that Tiger reminded him of his grandfather, who was a “fighter,” but seemed hesitant to share more with me, perhaps still shamed from his encounter with the black belt. Still, he kept a smile on his face when I asked him if he’d learned anything, replying yes, I got a lesson in vernacular. Before taking my leave, I asked him if he was still on his quest to challenge black belts to fights and he shook his head abashedly. 

Tiger’s account describes giving the kid a chance to rescind, or at least to re-consider what exactly he was asking for. As always, Tiger extended the offer to spar, to help coach the young man about technique while in a practice hand-to-hand scenario, but the white belt was relentless, insisting on a “challenge.” With his great reverence for martial etiquette at the helm, as well as the honor of the school in his hands, Tiger acted in defense of both and allowed the engagement. It didn’t last long, and while Tiger was not cruel, hurtful, or punitive, he did not show mercy with his technique nor offered any of the usual encouragement or helpful criticism that a student would be blessed to receive from him in the course of a training match.

Tiger: A challenge is a questioning. It questions my rank, my skill, my training and, most of all, my teachers. As a direct representative of their teachers, a martial artist can not take a challenge lying down. Some people might see that as an old-school mentality (the entire idea of someone challenging a martial artist is, by itself, pretty old-school), but I take it very seriously.

(Tiger, center, earning his third-degree sash last year.)

In researching modern opinions on gong sau (though this incident doesn’t completely align with the definition) I came across numerous opinions about the subject. Perhaps common-sensically, many martial artists advise against it unless certain criteria are met and rules set in place governing the fight. The best advice I read was simply this: just don’t go looking for a fight, because eventually you will find one and it will not end well. Moreover, it seems to me that if one’s mindset is so narrow and linear that it drives an individual to believing the best way to achieve the goal of becoming a great fighter is to continually challenge fighters of much higher skill, that student would be more suited to a Muay Thai or boxing gym than a kung fu school.

“The most dangerous time for any student of any discipline is when the student is at a point where ambition outreaches skill. This will serve to keep the student training, but can result in some harsh lessons.” - anonymous

Needless to say, I’m keeping an interested eye on the white belt’s development.

[metalshea]

The New American Nihilism

In the wee hours of the morning on 11/9/16, I joined the entire world as I sat in shock staring at my TV: Donald Trump had just won the election for President of the United States. For someone that usually has something to say about everything, I was completely dumbfounded. I couldn’t rationalize what I saw on the TV with my worldview. I had seen the signs of disillusionment with the government. I had witnessed as people began utilizing moral licensing–the phenomenon where individuals back the inclusion of an outsider only to use it to justify behavior and ideas 180 degrees different from their support of that outsider (to put it simply, electing Barack Obama and then claiming racism is dead because we elected a black president). I KNEW that was all there. But still, the moment was surreal.

It took me hours to fall asleep afterwards because my brain simply would not shut off. I wasn’t angry as many Americans were. I felt more detached and intellectually I could not connect the pieces. In the days following the election, I tried to keep my social media posts more middle of the road by focusing instead on the disruption of Trump’s election rather than directly attacking the man. I avoided reading apocalyptic liberal news sources that predicted that destruction of the fabric of American culture; and I simply refused to read “Conservative” sources that tried to rub liberals nose in it.

I have never been one to accept the root causes of action as promulgated by the press. The news media seems to oversimplify matters or sensationalize them. I have spent enough time working alongside law enforcement, engaging with movement intellectuals, and have had enough experience in the world to know that the news media—both right and left—prefers to attach a narrative to an event to make it more digestible for consumers; narratives that often are incomplete or lack substantive analysis, even if they are more or less true.

The position of the mass media on the rise of Donald Trump has once again been caught in the trap of trying to provide such a narrative… and they are failing at being able to really construct a clear reason for his win. They have presented the notion that Trump’s election was a direct reaction to the Obama administration. That it arose out of a new wave of racism, sexism, and xenophobia among white voters. That Obama’s expansion of executive power allowed for the unchecked implementation of the liberal agenda. That Hillary Clinton was unjustly targeted and victimized because of her sex by a resurrected chauvinism long held at bay by the societal pressures of political correctness.

And all this is true. But, there’s always to me been a feeling that somehow all of this is too disjointed, or feels more like an excuse for the loss of the election than a reason for why Donald Trump won. Quite simply: for all the talk of racism, sexism, xenophobia, white disillusionment, and the rise of “fake news” there’s been little talk in the media about why these things seem to be happening all at once and why the world seems to be devolving into a period of political nihilism.

…maybe it wouldn’t sell? And that’s kind of the point.

Back in 2009, if you had asked me if the Tea Party movement in the United States was inexorably tied to white discomfort surrounding a black president, I would have answered: “Yes, but…”. While the Tea Party movement itself was certainly triggered by the election of Barack Obama in 2008, it was the manifestation of a whole host of insecurities that had been brewing for some time and would have eventually come to fruition even if John McCain or Mitt Romney had won their respective elections. A similar thing can be said about the Occupy Movement on the Left. Instead, we could probably trace back the fundamental anxieties at the root of both movements to Ronald Reagan in the 1980’s with the birth of neoliberal capitalism as an economic policy of the United States.

n full disclosure, neoliberalism is something that I’m still wrapping my head around, and it seems to be poorly defined as compared to other economic models. But the crux of the ideology seems to be that market solutions and personal freedoms are the cure to fixing society’s ills and providing economic growth. As a result, everything becomes marketable in neoliberal capitalism. However, by relying on the market to address societal issues, neoliberalism ends up relying on “market cooptation” of issues to inform our ideas of correct and ethical behavior. In other words, if an action or idea can become marketable for mass consumption, it is inherently good. Ideas that are unable to be coopted sit outside of market culture and are inherently dangerous.

Neolibralism exists beyond a simple right/left divide and instead permeates all of American society regardless of a person’s individual politics. On the left is the “Whole Foods” culture, whereby a place exists that sells the ideas of promoting local business, charity, naturopathy, and food sourcing transparency, all while arguably doing very little to accomplish any of projects. Instead we as Whole Foods shoppers are left with the impression that we have somehow contributed to a larger societal project, but in reality we are only accomplishing those goals within the carefully marketed and structured confines of a nationally-run business empire. The TV show South Park did a particularly effective job of attacking this notion in their 19th season (for a breakdown of what the show’s creators did, see Wisecrack’s excellent mini-doc, “The Philosophy of South Park” at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MG7y8J0DXhU). Another way to look at how neoliberal cooptation works is to go online to buy your “We Are the 99%!” or “Don’t Tread on Me!” T-shirts. Congratulations, your political statement has filled the coffers of a savvy businessperson.

When combined with the rise of globalism and free trade in the 1990’s, neoliberal capitalism really dug its claws into Western society, and particularly the United States which has always abhorred the imposition of government in society. The result was an environment where business gained freedom of movement and capital, and where the individual worker subsequently became commoditized. In my line of work, we frequently refer to the need to invest in and retain workers through benefits and corporate culture, but this is far from the norm (and I am truly and eternally grateful for that!). Many businesses, especially large manufacturing, view human capital as an expensive commodity that affects the bottom line. As people in the United States grew more expensive through a combination of market forces, government regulation, and unionization, many large companies instead either moved their manufacturing off shore or developed task automation, leaving a number of Americans out of work. A similar problem occurred in Europe through the creation of the single market, the Eurozone, and the Schengen plan: companies located in richer parts of Western Europe were able to relocate operations to cheaper locations in Eastern Europe or instead hire migrant workers willing to be paid less than local ones.

Back in the United States, the situation was complicated by divestment in public education and the rise of business-to-business sales (as opposed to direct-to-consumer sales). As companies became less invested in selling directly to individual consumers, there was less impetus to pay those workers higher wages since those workers were not the ones buying the company’s products. The famous story of Henry Ford increasing worker’s wages so they could all buy Model T’s is no longer relevant since many of the companies that sell directly to American consumers have relocated their manufacturing to outside of the United States.

The result of all this has been a perfect storm: you have a populace with less access to education and with stagnant or nonexistent wages, while the stock market had reached its highest levels of investment in history. Wealth inequality is rampant and workers who formerly had good paying, meaningful jobs with well-funded pensions and retirement have been hung out to dry; reliant on a social safety net that they see as unethical and unable to provide them the dignity of work.

But there’s more… Flash forward to the 2016 Democratic Primary and the DNC leaks:

Bernie Sanders is in the end stages of a contentious primary bout with Hillary Clinton and it appears all but done save for Hillary’s coronation at the Democratic Convention. Suddenly the news breaks: The Democratic National Committee, which was supposedly non-biased, had actively worked against Bernie’s nomination and potentially engaged in political maneuvering—that some would call fraudulent—in attempt to undermine his ability to become the Democratic nominee. The entire primary process was outed as a shameful, undemocratic exercise that seemed to solely exist to legitimize the party pick rather than reflect the will of the people.

Several months later, Hillary Clinton would lose the general election despite winning the popular vote by nearly 3 million votes. No other candidate in history has lost the general election while commanding such a large percentage of the popular vote. Democrats were stunned as they were suddenly hit with the realization, once again, that they had little to no effect whatsoever over the political process.

Shortly after the general election, in December 2016, the State of North Carolina is ranked as one of the most undemocratic governments on the planet (http://www.newsobserver.com/opinion/op-ed/article122593759.html), further underscoring for many the dire state of American Democracy.

While Democrats and Democracy watchdogs were stunned by political disillusionment, many Trump supporters responded by saying: “we’ve been disillusioned for years. Welcome to our hell”. Many on the right pointed to the complex economic situation wrought by globalism and neoliberalism that had devastated communities in the Rust Belt and across rural America. Despite their economic difficulties, the people hit hardest by the economic shift born in 1980’s had seen little in the way of support come from Washington. To them, the feelings of liberals in the wake of the 2016 general election were schadenfreude as they got to witness the left come to terms with its own political disenfranchisement.

Welcome, dear reader, to the age of political nihilism, where the people have realized their inability to affect real change in their governments.

There’s more to the story though. Specifically: the media and the rise of the society of spectacle.

The mass media in the United States has forever been a capitalist project. Not that this is inherently a good or a bad thing: the media remains a separate institution from the government of the United States and is granted Constitutionally-provided independence. This is a right afforded to the American people that we often take for granted. However, the media in the US is dependent on streams of outside revenue, mostly from advertisers and paid subscriptions, to remain solvent. In the digital age, media is becoming more and more dependent on ad dollars as more and more people shun paid subscriptions and instead seek out “free” cable news or internet news. This desire for readership has always pushed the media towards investing their resources in stories that will gain people’s attention. Without the reader’s or viewer’s attention, media companies failed because they were unable to attract ad dollars. However, this model has occasionally served the corporate interest more than the public interests; sometimes with disastrous results. In the Golden Age of Journalism at the turn of the 20th Century, media outlets were able to steer public policy in such a way as to significantly contribute to the outbreak of the Spanish-American War. Newspapers reporting on Spanish atrocities committed against the Cubans became the de jour stories of the day led to calls for military intervention by an outraged public. While the Spanish-American War was very successful, it also resulted the American colonization of Philippines: a bloody conflict that in many ways was America’s first “Vietnam”. The news media played similar back in 2003, just prior to the start of the Iraq War. Media outlets spent huge amounts of time highlighting the inhuman actions of Saddam Hussein, helping to prepare the way for war and again precipitating a military quagmire.

In the late 20th Century, the media landscape in the United States began to change dramatically in two really clear ways: (1) The rise of 24 hour cable news networks encouraged editorialism to permeate across all forms of media and (2) the desire to market to certain audiences led to a greater balkanization of the public discourse. These might require some unpacking…

The first part is a bit more cut and dry and was summed up nicely by Jon Stewart who once said, and I’m paraphrasing, that CNN and other 24 hour cable news networks didn’t lead to more analysis, they instead focus on whomever is the loudest. I remember reading a book some time ago written by a former correspondent who had worked, I believe, for NBC (or one of the major news networks). He lamented the shift away from foreign affairs in current reporting to an over-reporting of domestic affairs. I think he was half right. Instead of focusing on the multitudinous world issues that affect us and spending the time analyzing them in depth, national news outlets have instead opted for the coverage of national partisanship in order to drive viewership. Why? Its more entertaining. Talking heads such as Bill O’Reilly, Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity, Megyn Kelly, Chris Matthews, Anderson Cooper, Joe Scarborough, and Rachel Maddow provide little in the way of true news analysis. But they are all charismatic, erudite, articulate, and entertaining. They keep you glued to the TV as they launch diatribes, some better informed than others, and resultantly increase partisanship. All while the newscreep at the bottom of the screen seemingly keeps the viewer informed of major events occurring elsewhere in the world. This is shameful and dishonest, and it has failed to effectively inform the American people of substantive facts surrounding major stories. Instead, it has allowed for political commentators to masquerade as journalists and inform public opinion in a way that is both cynical and dismissive of the other side. In short, it led to point #2: the rise of the echo chamber and the division of public discourse.

We may or may not actually be more politically divided than at any time since the American Civil War; but even if we aren’t, it certainly feels like we are. As news media outlets have stepped into editorialism and away from analysis they have helped shaped the discourse of the public at large. I remember turning on Fox and Friends one morning to see a discussion about a terrorist suicide bombing (where it was escapes me but it was somewhere in the Middle East). One of the show’s hosts at the end of the segment then made a snide remark about Islam, saying something to the effect of “some religion of peace, huh?”. That remark is a shameful one for a news outlet to make. Not only because it is disrespectful, cynical, and clearly Islamophobic, but because it injects opinion in a way that prevents the audience from developing their own informed opinion. Instead, what lasts in our mind is not the story itself or how it is relevant to the geopolitical situation of the Middle East, but the scoffing remark at the very end of the segment. Forget that the comment is a gross oversimplification of a complicated and tragic political situation; all Muslims are terrorists.

As local media dies its slow death from decreased readership, we’ve become more reliant on national media… and the national media continues to compete for our attention. I’m reminded of the words of the President of CBS regarding Donald Trump’s antics in the Republican Primary: “He’s bad for America but great for CBS”. People paid attention to Trump because he was entertaining. I admittedly watched the presidential debates with the hope of seeing a train wreck. I kind of lied to myself saying that I was hoping to be a more informed voter, but really it was secondary to my desire to see a Trumpster Fire. The media outlets for their part cultivated my desire for drama. They used imagery similar to a UFC fight or NFL promo to advertise the debates, playing off our need to see conflict; to be entertained (https://youtu.be/YlptgqP_PEA).

Place this media editorialism and the need for entertainment into the context of neoliberal capitalism, political disenfranchisement, and globalism, and a very odd thing starts to happen. A form of tribalism–fueled in part by the complex logarithms that social media sites like Facebook use determine an individual’s newsfeed–has formed in reaction to our political nihilism. The desire for humans to find like-minded individuals with which to associate has allowed for the proliferation of alternative news sites, including the now infamous tabloid journalism of “fake news” outlets as well as the seemingly inexplicable disregard of facts. A recent report on NPR stated that fact-checking articles received little attention from their intended audience and were generally viewed as buzzkills. In other words, the sense of belonging to the tribe was more important than the actual veracity of the information being presented by tribal members.

Ouch.

While the right seems to be more affected by this than the left, there are certainly more than a few left leaning outlets the engage in the same sensationalism. My only thought for why the left is so comparatively unaffected is that the message on the right has been more singular and transmitted by fewer outlets. I would guess that having only Fox News as a major national news outlet allows for a more targeted message to get pushed through to the public, and simultaneously allows for smaller outlets to piggy back off that message and go off into the weeds. The left, with its many more numerous major outlets, seems better equipped to present thought diversity in a way that stays mainstream, if not more diluted. Weep for the right, they deserve more–and better–than Fox News. In writing all this, I don’t believe that I’ve even begun to scratch the surface of how we got to where we are: Donald Trump’s America. The vitriol, the hate, the hyperbole, the distrust—in short the nihilism of our political situation—is all complex and multifactorial. While there is certainly a degree of racism, sexism, xenophobia, and moral licensing at work, there is so much more to what is happening nationally and internationally. Complex social anxieties, economic and political disenfranchisement, the failure of the mass media, and social media-fueled echo chambers have all contributed to the rise of Trumpism. There’s no simple solution to get us back to civilized discourse, in fact, if there are lessons to be learned from 2016, we should probably try to avoid using nostalgia as a guiding principle. But awareness of the moving parts can breed at least some level of understanding.

Hopefully.

[wanderingaunt]

No One Will Take You Seriously

“No one is going to take you serious about your business, Robin.” 

This is the thought that woke me up abruptly at 5 a.m. from a nightmare. In my dream, I was teaching a yoga class. I had a class full of students, several of whom were my friends. Everyone was talking as the class began. I couldn’t get my playlist to play properly. It was on the wrong Spotify account and ads kept playing in the background. I kept switching songs until I finally got it to work. All the while, I was trying to instruct my students to get into various yoga poses. Some people were listening and trying to follow along. Others were not paying attention and were instead having mini conversations. I finally got them through the integration and warm up. I looked at the clock, and I had already been teaching for 30 minutes, and there was only 30 minutes left to teach a full sequence. I clapped my hands to get the student’s attention. It took everything for me to not yell at them out of frustration for not listening to me. Even my friends who are yoga teachers were talking and laughing and not listening. I felt helpless. Finally, the talking stopped. At one point someone asked me if I could speak up. I was already straining my voice and told them I was trying my best. As I was trying to teach again, a group of people in the back of the room started singing A Capella. Their singing was beautiful, but it wasn’t the time for that. It was time for yoga! I got so frustrated. I marched to the back of the room and clapped my hands to get their attention. I told them this was a yoga class and they needed to be in it or get out of the room. And if they wanted to sing, fine, but they needed to do so out of the room. 

Anger and frustration consumed me. 

Not only was I not being heard, I was not taken seriously as a teacher—not even by my friends. 

I awoke abruptly from this nightmare. My body was drenched in sweat. The statement, “No one is going to take you seriously, Robin.” was running through my mind. 

Luckily, it was just a dream.

But the message rang loud and clear. I’ve been so afraid to put myself out there, offer my services, and tell the world what I’m doing, and how I can be of service and support. I’ve been afraid to promote myself and toot my own horn about amazing things I’m already doing (speaking on stage, leading retreats, modeling in photoshoots all over the world!). I’ve made hints of what it is that I’m doing, yet, I’ve been afraid that I won’t be taken seriously or will be seen as flaky. I’ve been afraid that people won’t believe me or think it’s real.

“There’s Robin telling us something else that she’s “thinking” of doing.”

Fear is a b**tch sometimes. It fills our heads with lies and stories to keep us safe from taking any type of step that could jeopardize or change our reality.

I quit my corporate career a year and a half ago to follow my dream of traveling the world. Since that time, I’ve solo traveled to 17 countries across 6 continents. I’ve spent time resting, resetting, exploring, and trying on different opportunities to sustain this lifestyle. I’ve given myself time and space to ask what it is that I really want to do. I’ve hinted at it off and on, yet haven’t fully flipped the switch. I’ve held my ideas and projects close to my heart, and I’ve allowed fear and resistance to stop me from fully launching—or better yet, owning it.

In many ways, I’ve felt like a fraud.

On the surface (and on social media), I look like I’ve got it “all together”. I’m a free spirit. I’m bouncing from experience to experience and live among different cultures. I’m modeling in photoshoots in exotic places. I’ve placed such high expectations on myself because people are watching me and living vicariously through me. What if I fail and let people down? Or what if I succeed and people expect more from me? It’s the good ole’ Upper Limit problem that Gay Hendricks speaks about in his book, The Big Leap.

These false expectations have gotten in the way from me owning my potential and earning my worth.

When I meet new people or reunite with old acquaintances, I am met with this question — “How are you affording your travels or this lifestyle?” Every time this question is asked of me, I’m cringing on the inside. I feel exposed. While many are asking out of sheer curiosity or from a standpoint of “how can it be possible?”, I feel like I’m being violated. I don’t ask how you afford your mortgage each month, so why are you asking me how I can afford this lifestyle?

It’s not really about the question or the lifestyle. Yes, this lifestyle can be extravagant, however, it can also be very simple and affordable. The question is asked because we have this notion that travel is expensive, or that anything outside of societal norms must be difficult to keep up. For me, however, the question is mirroring my fear on the inside— “How am I making enough money to sustain this Lifestyle? How can I be a business owner and make enough money to support myself? Why haven’t I owned what it is that I’m doing or committed to it?”

The thought “if you only knew” runs through my mind. It’s Imposter Syndrome at its finest. Yet, you wouldn’t know that. Being “the poised, look-good-no-matter-what” kind of person that I am, I always reply that I’m doing freelance work while I’m building my business. Or I can afford it because I don’t have rent, a car payment, or other bills. I justify it to make others (and myself) feel good.

It’s not about the business or the questions about my lifestyle. It’s about the mindset I’ve had around it.

The truth is, I’m not where I thought I would be at this point in my journey.  I’m turning 35 in 2 weeks, and I honestly thought I would have had my business fully launched by now and would be further along. I thought I’d have numerous clients, sponsors, investors—income flowing in. I thought I’d have my book draft written. I thought I’d have it all figured out by now. Even writing that seems laughable…do we ever have it figured out?

Perhaps I am not where I thought I would be (or where you thought I’d be), yet I am where I’m meant to be. And so are you.

I’ve been on a journey of discovering more and more about who I am and what I want. I’ve invested thousands of dollars and hours in myself. I’ve learned to wholeheartedly accept and love who I am despite what others may think. I’ve learned to believe in myself. I’ve allowed my whole self to be seen and validated by the women in my coaching program, and I am learning to do the same to each person reading this. I’ve let go of attachment to people who were not serving me in a healthy way. I’ve put my beliefs on the line and dared to claim that I believe something different. I’ve been living my dream of traveling the world! I’ve discovered what it is that I’m meant to be doing, and I’m learning to own it. I’ve learned to take things at my pace and understand that some things take more time. I’ve allowed myself to be supported by others through coaching, mentoring, food, lodging, hugs, and encouragement. I’ve launched online programs, co-lead my first retreat, modeled in 7 international photoshoots, spoken on stage at a conference in New Zealand, and partnered on many writing projects.

I have all of the evidence to show how supported, loved and cared for I am no matter the circumstance. I’ve been met with such kindness all over the world, and even online. 

I can look back and see all that has happened and how much I’ve grown from it. That’s how clever and sly fear is. It knows how to pull you from what you’ve done or what you’re doing and pull you back into the safety of despair.

The fear, resistance, doubt, shame, and judgment that have been blocking me from fully owning who I am and what I want, are “just” emotions. Of course, they are strong and powerful emotions that continue to show up. But they are just emotions.

I can acknowledge them, sit with them and feel their weight, but they don’t have to own or consume me anymore. 

As Elizabeth Gilbert says about Fear in her book, Big Magic, “There’s plenty of room in this vehicle for all of us, so make yourself at home, but understand this: Creativity and I are the only ones who will be making any decisions along the way. I recognize and respect that you (Fear) are part of this family, and so I will never exclude you from our activities, but still—your suggestions will never be followed. You’re allowed to have a seat, and you’re allowed to have a voice, but you are not allowed to have a vote.”

Fear/Ego/Resistance tells me no one will take me or my business seriously. It tells me I’m a fraud and people will see right through me. It tells me to stop playing and grow up. It tells me I’m almost 35 and should have it “all together” by now. It tells me not to show others who I really am—that if I do, I will lose them and be alone. It tells me to play small and not be too big. And it tells me that I have to do it all on my own so that I can prove to others and myself that I did it.

Fear/Judgement/Doubt/Shame/Guilt/Resistance will consume you and tear you apart if you allow them to.  

They are not going anywhere. They will be with you and show up again and again. They will try to keep you safe and stop you. They will try to convince you that you’re not ready, and likely never will be. They will tell you that you’ll never make money working for yourself and that it’s time to get a “real job.” And better yet, after you do the thing you’ve been wanting to do, they will beat you up and tell you how you “should’ve” done this or that. They will try to knock you down. While these thoughts are real, they’re just that—thoughts. They don’t have to consume you.

The less attention you give to them, the more powerless they become, and the more powerful you become.

To Fear and its dis-empowering friends, I say, “No more.” You are not allowed to have a vote or a say as to how I live my life or receive money. You will not rob me of my talents and gifts by telling me I’m not good enough. You will not stop me from putting myself out there because you think I’ll be hurt or rejected or that no one will take me seriously.

Enough is enough. 

I wrote all of this to remind you (and myself) that I am human and so are you. I deal with fears and sometimes allow them to consume me. I wrote this to show you that life doesn’t have to look the way that others’ lives do or how society tells you it’s supposed to be. I write to show you that you are not alone; to pay attention to what life is showing you, and to wake up when dreams are screaming at you with a message. To own who you are, what you want, and step boldly towards it. To believe that support is there for you when you’re ready to receive it.

If you don’t know where to find that support, reach out to me. I AM a coach, writer, model, speaker, world traveler, and retreat leader. I have a true gift for holding space for others and listening with intent to what it is that their heart desires. I help to cut through the noise and validate fears with love and acceptance. I fully own who I am and all that I have to offer. I know the value of having a container of support. And I am ready for you. Are You Ready for You?

[rubyatarah]

I write my essays in the middle of the night, hours before they are due!

Ruby Smith

Honors English 2

7 December 2018

The Softness of Femininity

The word feminine refers to ladylike, womanly, delicate, gentle, graceful, soft. Think about what it means to be a woman in a misshapen society, and by contrast, what it means to be a blanket. A blanket is a covering used to warm people while they sleep; if it fulfills the duty assigned to it, does it matter what it is made of? And in that fashion, if a female is soft-spoken, “ladylike”, and conforms to society’s standards, does it matter what she is made of? Similarities in expectations of the two very different things are narrow, but still existing, as follows: softness; in behavior and thinking for women, and in physical material that makes up the parts of a whole. When considering this property of softness in blankets and in misled women everywhere, it is apparent that both are unmistakably alike; the preset societal standard of softness in women, leading us blindly to seek out the softest skin, hair, voice, and even personality. Softness in shape, texture, sound, and lightness are thought of as positive, but certain types of softness are made to be shameful and chastised. The broadness of this one word and its capacity of a large amount of individual concepts to pick apart inside it is tormenting.

My grandmother, having an unequivocally soft, giving heart, crotchets blankets, hats, mittens, and gloves for the people she loves. They’re soft and warm, perhaps more so than the cotton yarn itself, for the reason that she makes them with her heart and hands. She cooks large, delicious meals and invites the family to come to eat. That is softness personified. To be able to reach out and hug someone that carries the feelings of comfort and warmth, with a kind spirit, is to feel true softness, a prize too delicate and heart-filled not to love. This softness in a kind heart feels similarly to the physical softness in the texture of a puppy’s fur; warming for the inside of a person, providing an effect like the soft blanket has, with an inside-out warmth.

Softness in shape refers to a scale with pointy and edged on one end, and completely rounded on the other. For example, a square is harsh, having definitive corners and edges, and a circle is soft, with no corners. Light can be soft or harsh. The contrast between brilliant stage lights and a dim reading lamp can help us have an appreciation for both different types, when used appropriately. While softness has a special power of its own, more commonly, it implies weakness and delicateness. It is with this idea that people are inclined to use the word “softie,” meaning push-over, to discourage a more weak, relenting kind of person. In a life-like scenario, a dog whimpers at the foot of a man, and he obliges to its plea for food, sharing his meal because he is a softie when it comes to dogs.

Softness in texture refers to physical properties, such as smooth or bumpy, spongy or resistant, and waxy or greasy. The flat, smooth texture of a patch of dried acrylic paint peeled away from an artist’s palette feels similarly to a block of frozen butter; not oily, but having a glide with touch. An adoring mother loves the softness of her newborn baby’s silky skin. It is youthful, adorable, clean, but still only temporary, like the softness of a blanket made of plastic microfibers before the first wash. The way something feels sends a message of good or bad to the brain and lets people decide almost instantaneously whether or not they appreciate it. Soft skin is most often something appreciated by people, and therefore desired, unlike softness in muscle, which is rejected by an image-focused majority, and only supported when gracing the little bones of a child.

The softness in the texture of skin is a common, but meaningless beauty standard that some societies, like our own, have built up and adopted from previous generations over the years, convincing the lot of us that it is a requirement, as girls, for our bodies to feel a certain way, and we are supposed to want to be soft. Not only is there a long-standing, tired, old standard of softness expected of women in this external way, such as a small frame, a shaven leg, or a head of thin, silky hair, but this unoriginally nurtured cultural ideal of softness, which is an unfortunate waste of our time and energy, takes on a more dangerous, more effective form, with a less permeable boundary in the interior mechanics of a girl’s mind.

This subtle, but dangerous pressure is the teaching to young girls that they are supposed to be silenced. A soft person may be kind-hearted and quiet, or in another sense of the word, too easily stepped on, living in a looping reality of being shaped and manipulated by others, over and over again, like putty. Feeling small, vulnerable, alarmingly quiet, some are so soft, like they may have been taught to be, hardly daring to think independently for themselves, and never defying the norm, an act that requires bravery, which would be much easier to access if it weren’t for the ability softness has to build an invisible, squishy safety layer over things like courage and hardness, and bury inside, so as to protect a girl from her own human nature. Soft-spokenness, which itself is not a problem, but takes on a negative form when exercised too extremely, often comes with the teachings of lady-likeness, and enhances a girl’s susceptibility to never amounting to her full potential, from believing that there is more good to be sought out, or a more enjoyable lifestyle for her to claim. This small, depreciating way of life, living as a doormat, being smashed under the thumb of somebody less soft, is reality for many of us. We display certain behaviors, recessive ones, that reveal this detrimentally damaging mindset, such as: excessively biting the tongue, or quieting oneself, avoiding bold-ness, or apologizing for speaking our minds when prompted to, and sometimes even when being helpful, or when doing the right thing. All of these are connected to softness. Of course, the opposite gender could just as easily adopt a pattern of the stepping on the self, but no common, adapted standard of perfectly smoothed edges and gracefulness is held at such an untouchably high esteem, like qualities coming from nature, for a man, the way that many are for a woman. In the words of Flannery O’Connor, “to have a sentimental view of life…” is “…a softness that ends in bitterness.”

The softness of a woman’s hair or skin carries absolutely no value, and has nothing to do with the softness and loveliness of her character. To be pretty and soft on the outside is to carry a golden sword in battle, that which will inevitably fall apart, as gold is too soft for such a role, and leave the warrior wishing that time spent beautifying the sword could have been instead spent absorbing the bountiful resources a human life offers. It is only an invisible burden that too many people carry, the illusion of beauty, and even greater a burden is the idea in uncountable minds that beauty sits at the top of the waterfall at the river of value and worth. A lesson to be learned there is: the water coming directly down from the waterfall does not fall softly. The person underneath, leading their empty search for physical divinity, will ache and suffer much more than they will gain, focusing on beauty, that which is temporary, and empty of value. To stand under a waterfall as it pours metric tons of water down with no such thing as gentleness considered must be no comfortable affair.

Comfort accompanies softness in the physical meaning of the words. For this reason, softer foods can bring comfort to many. Common comfort foods in America are soft, squishy foods, like spongy pancakes, spaghetti and meatballs, ice cream, or mashed potatoes. Be that as it may, although they, too can be enticingly soft, do not eat blankets.

In some areas, softness, worded simply, refers to the quality of being not too much and not too little. In order to understand as much as possible, it’s almost inarguably essential that we notice the qualities in things that are looked past and categorized as meaningless, such as softness, in a blanket, a person, nature, music; it is to be found to some degree in all things. A mother, singing dulcetly to her child, focuses as the child falls into a sleeping state, listening for the gentle snore as a sign to her that she may daintily make her way back to her room, and sleep as well. William Shakespeare wrote, “there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so,” in his play, Hamlet. The property of being soft may be lovely and unique, while in another sense of the world, softness may be a subtly damning pursuit of vanity, a dulling of personality in pursuit of normalcy and conformity, or perhaps, no more complicated than the way one may feel. The substance of softness depends entirely on a person’s perspective.