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thanksjro · 4 years ago

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Bayverse: Treating These Movies with More Dignity than They Deserve or Contain, Because I’m a Goddamned Professional - Part One

TRANSFORMERS (2007) - UNCOMFORTABLE SEXUAL TENSION BETWEEN TEENAGERS THAT I DIDN’T NEED TO SEE

So.

This is a little different than what I usually do.

Clearly.

God, how did we even get here?

Oh, I remember.

The date was September 17th, 2020, and I was in a stream with nine or ten other people watching the first Bayverse Transformers movie. Why we were watching it doesn’t particularly matter- sometimes you just gotta watch garbage so you can refresh your palate for the good stuff, I suppose. Also, a couple of folks wanted to make goo-goo eyes at Blackout’s rotors.

...It’s not my thing, but I’m glad they’ve got something to make the journey worth taking.

I made some sort of comment about only using my brain for this blog’s content, and someone (you know who you are :)) suggested that I take a proper look at the film. Being who I am, I immediately latched onto this idea, despite it being technically outside of what I write about.

And then I quintuple-downed, because winners don’t quit.

Good to know that my BA in Film Production wasn’t a complete waste of time.

Fun fact, I broke my television trying to watch Transformers for this. I think the universe was trying to stop me, by making me perform surgery on electronics, and also aggravating my carpal tunnel.

This movie came out when I was 13, and it was the first Transformers thing I saw after Cybertron. Yes, the anime one. No, not the one that’s objectively terrible.

Anyway.

How did I feel about Transformers when I saw it the first time? Well… it was okay. I liked the robots. I thought Mikaela was pretty, not that I knew what that meant back then. I watched it a few times, if only because my oldest younger brother kept renting it at Blockbuster. It was fun.

Now I’m older, and wiser, and know feminist theory, so my opinion is less “this exists” and more “blind, murderous rage”.

Our film opens up with some claptrap about the Cube™, a MacGuffin of ultimate power that allows the Transformers to create worlds in their image and populate them. Which means this is how they reproduce.

It always comes back to baby-making, doesn’t it?

The narration goes on about how the Cube™ is very powerful, and some folks wanted it for good, and others for evil. The criteria for being “good” and “evil” isn’t established, and I’m not exactly sure how one would define such a thing, when all the Cube™ does is create life, but, well, we’ve only just begun. Maybe we’ll get some answers later on.

Haha, I doubt it.

So, the Cube™ is the catalyst for our 4 million year war this continuity, and that sucker was lost in the shuffle a while back. This is a problem, because, again, the Cube™ is how the Transformers reproduce. Now everyone’s in a mad scramble to find the thing so their species doesn’t die out.

Three guesses as to where it ended up, and the first two don’t count.

Smashcut to the shit nobody cares about- the humans. We see an Osprey fly over the Qatar desert, carrying a buttload of American soldiers. We get a taste of some good old-fashioned xenophobia, as several soldiers mock a guy for not speaking English and loving his mother’s cooking, going full “funny haha gibberish language” on him. We’re two and a half minutes into the film, and I already want to stab something.

Ed Sheeran breaks into the conversation, I guess because he was feeling left out, revealing that he is the New Yorker stereotype of the film, for some reason. The fellas ask their captain, Lennox, what he’s looking forward to most about getting home from their tour, and he reveals himself to be a family man. While he’s been away, his wife had a baby, who he hasn’t so much as held yet. His men respond by mocking him.

For loving his child.

We’re three minutes into the film, and the toxic masculinity might actually make me have an aneurysm.

The Ospreys land, the lads disembark, and we get a snapshot of what downtime during deployment looks like to Bay. There are a lot of kiddie swimming pools involved. Two men play basketball. We watch multiple men take outdoor showers. A young Qatari boy brings Lennox a camelback water pack with a smile on his face. This lets me know that he’s a prop and not a character in this film. I can’t wait to see how many horrors he’ll be put through to simulate pathos.

We get a shot of a helicopter flying over the desert, one that the US military doesn’t recognize as their own. They send a couple of planes to check it out, and said planes get their shop wrecked. The helicopter is revealed to be the same ‘copter that was shot down several months prior. That’s… not good. Ghost helicopter?

No. Not at all, actually.

Lennox gets on a video chat with his wife and daughter, who is wearing one of the most ridiculous baby outfits I’ve seen in a hot minute. And I used to work in childcare, so I’ve seen a good amount of those. The writing implies that normal bodily functions are unladylike and therefore undesirable… in an infant… and that’s when all hell breaks loose, thankfully saving me from more of Bay trying to make me give a shit about these characters.

The helicopter lands, we get a shot of the mustachioed pilot, who glitches (gasp), and the line “have your crew step out or we will kill you” is uttered. Not even trying to hide the nationalism, are you?

This film hit theaters in 2007, when the xenophobia from 9/11 was still heavy in the air of the general populace, so things like this were more tolerated, and in fact approved of. Of course, it’s not like America has really improved on that subject, or ever really had a point where we weren’t terrible about it, since we live in a world where the military-entertainment complex exists.

See, the Department of Defense and a good chunk of American entertainment industries have a little deal going, and have for the last few decades, and it goes like this: The DoD will allow the use of their vehicles, personnel, and bases, or the likenesses of such, for free, in exchange for their operations being shown in a positive/morally justified light. This is why you never see the armed forces portrayed in a way that makes them out as anything less than heroes- nobody would be able to afford the sets/likenesses without the DoD’s aid. This is also why you see straight-up advertisements for the military branches on televison, in cinemas, and online, and why both the Army and Navy have flirted with having Twitch channels.

It’s all a ploy to get you to join the military, kids. It’s propaganda.

But enough about that, it’s time for our first transformation sequence!

We get a lot of moving parts with this, since it’s realistic CGI in a live-action movie, and it still holds up. It’s hard to tell what’s actually happening, but it, if nothing else, feels alien, surreal, and horrific to behold. They even included the original sound effect in the cacophony, which is nice.

Our ghost helicopter reveals itself to be a Transformer, not that we get that terminology at any point in this film. This specifically is Blackout, a Decepticon. The soldiers start firing on him the moment he starts transforming, then are surprised when the thing they started shooting with several guns retaliates. This is the point where everything ever in this military base explodes, brilliantly and repeatedly, because it wouldn’t be a Bay film without it. There’s a lot of shouting and bright lights, and I’m positively certain that a great deal of people died during this fight.

It’s just a shame that I don’t care.

Blackout rips the top off of a building like it’s a tin of anchovies, and then snags all the hard drives he can, downloading everything. This is a problem, but it seems like nobody was prepared for a giant alien robot hack-attack, because in order to shut down the power to the servers, you need to be able to unlock the breaker box, and no one seems to have the key. They solve the problem with a fire ax.

Lennox is leading the Qatari boy through the base towards safety. I should mention that it’s night now, and several hours seem to have passed since the Ospreys landed, so I don’t know why this kid is still here. He’s got, like, a house and family to go home to.

We get some more tank-throwing action, Sergeant Epps almost gets flattened under Blackout’s foot, then the movie decides it’s going to try to make things more interesting by having each shot cut flash, for whatever reason.

Someone shoots Blackout with a rocket launcher, I think, and this is the point where he throws his tiny little man off his back to go do his job. Yes, Blackout’s got a baby, and that baby is Scorponok, his symbiotic pal who likes to dig into the ground and be a sneaky little bastard.

Blackout blows up a ton more military equipment and personnel, and then it’s time for another smashcut.

Now we’re in high school, just like all those dreams I’ve had where I’ve forgotten my homework. This is where we meet Sam Witwicky, our main character, and also the stand-in for our target demographic. He’s insufferable, and I don’t like him. Mikaela Banes, our love interest, is also present in this scene, but we don’t get to know about her character for, like, another 20 minutes, because who gives a shit about women, right? They’re just props, right?

Right???

RIGHT??????????

RIGH-

Sam is presenting on his great-great-grandfather, Archibald Witwicky, for his family genealogy report, in front of a class containing maybe three actors who are age appropriate.

I know child labor laws are a good thing, and that hiring adults to play teenagers is just the lay of the land, but I swear some of these students look like they’re old enough to be on their second mortgage and third kid.

Anyway.

Archibald Witwicky was an explorer, one of the first to traverse the Arctic circle, and apparently his crew was made up of folks from 2007, because I swear the clothing for a few of these dudes isn’t period-appropriate. We get a seamen joke, because of course we do, and a sextant joke, because of course we do. Sam is also hawking all this crap he’s brought in for the presentation, because he is a little bastard who has no idea what his peers would want to buy, or really how to relate to them at all. He’s selling these “priceless” artifacts so he can get a car. Mikaela finds this charming, for some fucking reason. Also, her boyfriend is weirdly stroking her shoulder blade with his knuckles the whole time this is happening, and I hate it.

Archibald Witwicky went mad after his expedition, talking about an “ice man” so often that his family ended up locking him in a mental asylum, likely to be forgotten about. Which is sad. But we won’t be getting into the medical mistreatment of the mentally ill in Bayverse, now will we? That’s just Too Deep™.

Sam’s teacher didn’t very much appreciate having his class be turned into an episode of Antiques Roadshow, but still gives Sam an “A” on the project, despite it being a very poor report that lasted all of two minutes. I suspect the teacher has tenure, and therefore no longer gives a shit about academic integrity. This “A” means that Sam’s father will buy him a car.

Which is nice, I suppose, if I gave a damn.

Sam’s father, Ron, picks up his son in a car he probably bought at the crux of his midlife crisis, in a green that reminds me of a school gymnasium floor, then plays a prank on his child by pretending to pull into the Porsche dealership. Sam isn’t getting a Porsche, which is good, because he doesn’t deserve one. As Sam gripes to his father, a yellow Camaro drives by oh so conspicuously. Wonder what’s up with that.

Instead of the Porshe dealership, they head over to the used car lot, which is being run by Bobby Bolivia, who spends his time yelling at his employees and wanting to murder his mother. Sam is incredibly ungrateful about the fact that his dad is helping him get a car, even though it’s his FIRST car, and nobody gets a nice one the first go around. Or, at least, they shouldn’t, given the statistics about accidents with young drivers.

“No sacrifice, no victory” is uttered by Ron, which is the family motto, or so he claims. Archibald Witwicky said the same thing when he had multiple people dying trying to get to the Arctic Circle, so there’s precedence for the phrase, but we’ll see how it holds up throughout the film.

Bobby Bolivia shows Sam and Ron the cars he has for sale, and Sam is immediately drawn to the yellow Camaro in the lot, though there’s a small problem- it’s too expensive for what he and his father agreed to. Also, nobody knows where the hell it came from, so paperwork might be an issue. When Bobby tries to show Sam the yellow Beetle they have right down the line, everything explodes, because this is a Bay film, and fuck the original material this movie was based on. Bobby lets them have the Camaro for a lower price, suddenly fearful of whatever strange powers have just visited his place of business. “The car picks the driver” is suddenly more than a bullshit line to spout off in order to sell cars, and I’m certain that’s shaken the poor man.

Over in Washington, D.C., the Secretary of Defense prepares to address just what the hell happened in Qatar, lamenting on how young the audience he’s going to be speaking to is. In particular, he’s referring to the two dweebs and the hot chick sitting in one of the rows. All the women in this movie who aren’t someone’s mom are made up to be very pretty. And not even in a realistic way. But we’ll get to that in a bit.

So, the military network was hacked. That’s bad. Nobody knows who did it. That’s also bad. The only lead the US has is a soundbite, which is the signal that hacked the network.

Everyone here at the briefing is going to be helping to figure this mess out. This is great, if you like looking at Rachael Taylor for a few seconds at a time, and can compartmentalize hard enough to make that worth the effort of watching this godforsaken film.

Back at the Witwicky household, we meet Mojo, a chihuahua with a cast that doesn’t seem like it’s actually doing anything. I wish he was the main character instead of Sam.

Sam arrives home from the dealership, and says “alright, Mojo, I’ve got the car. Now I need the girl.”

As if ownership of a person is something to aspire to.

As if women are property to be owned.

As if women aren’t people, but rather commodities.

We’re 17.5 minutes into this film.

We’re introduced to Judy, Sam’s mother. She’s shrill, and annoying. This is by design, because none of the women in this film are actually people, but rather archetypes to bounce off of the male characters.

Sam and his father have a moment of what some might consider banter, then Sam gets huffy with his mom over gender roles for the dog. I, for one, think Mojo looks positively dashing in his bedazzled collar, and to hell with whatever Sam says to the contrary.

Sam drives off to go be a misogynist, with the promise to be back by 11PM.

Over in Qatar, the soldiers and that little boy are running from the attack on their base, as Lennox’s wife watches a public announcement on the matter back at home. The Secretary of Defense lets us know that we’re at DEFCON Delta at this point. Lennox Jr. cries, and all I can think about is how they probably pinched that baby to make that happen. They pinched a baby for Transformers (2007).

The soldiers in Qatar talk about shit they have no idea about, Sergeant Epps going on about somehow having been able to see a forcefield around Blackout through his super special binoculars. I don’t know how, or why, he knows this. I don’t know anything anymore.

Ed Sheeran has his doubts about this whole thing, and Lennox is also present in the scene, because I guess he’s important. Through a bit of dramatic irony, Fig- the guy everyone was making fun of for being bilingual at the start of the film- says that this probably isn’t over, as the shape of Scorponok shifts through the sand just beyond them.

Epps is having a minor crisis over the fact that Blackout saw him, but we don’t have time for that, because we’ve got to get to cover. The lads decide to head to the little Qatari boy’s house. Again, I wonder why he was at the base at all, considering that it seems like they’ve been traveling for a good portion of the day.

Back with Sam, he’s picked up his friend Miles, and together they’re going to a lake party. Are they invited to this party? Yes, but also no. It’s public property though, so it should be fine. As they park, Sam notices that Mikaela is here, which is great for him.

Mikaela’s boyfriend, Trent- whose name I had to look up- is a massive tool, and starts pestering the two boys for daring to exist in his airspace. Miles climbs a tree. I’m glad he’s having fun, at least. Sam makes a joke at the expense of people with brain injuries, and this for some reason? Warrants a shot of Mikaela making the blank “pretty girl” face? In response?

Mikaela saves Sam from becoming a wet stain on the grass, which is very kind of her, and more than Sam really deserves. Trent, his boys, and Mikaela start to head off for another party, to get away from Sam and his tree-loving friend. Mikaela offers to drive, and Trent says that she can’t handle his truck, because she’s a ~girl~. This causes Mikaela to ditch him, and start walking home.

The script knows enough about misogyny to know that this would be a nice “take that”. Michael Bay, however, likely fails to see why everything he did with said script involving this character is a goddamned problem.

Because Mikaela, bless her heart, has a lot of problems.

Let’s start with the outfit: a croptop, a jean skirt that BARELY covers her ass, and a pair of wedge heels that are at least four inches tall. On a character that is, at oldest, freshly 18.

Look, I’m all about self-expression and the freedom to choose how you dress for yourself and yourself alone, but this clearly isn’t that. This is a character, not a person, whose wardrobe was designed for the straight male gaze. She’s wearing fucking STRAP HEELS to the lake. This is about oogling. This is about reducing a whole-ass person to the same status as a piece of meat. In fact, who was on wardrobe for this? I’d like to have a few words with-

A woman? Okay, well, what else has she worked on?

You can��t be fucking serious.

ANYWAY.

Miles just called Mikaela an “evil jock concubine.” I don’t like Miles anymore.

As Mikaela walks down the road, strutting hard enough that I’ve got sympathy pains in my hips, the radio in the Camaro turns on, playing “Drive” by the Cars, and giving Sam a hell of an idea; he’s gonna drive Mikaela home, so she doesn’t have to walk the 10 miles to her house. Why he knows how far she lives from the lake isn’t addressed.

Sam kicks Miles out of the car and goes to give Mikaela a ride, which she accepts after a bit of self-deliberation, and also him making an ass of himself. The shot here is framed with Sam like he’s a normal-ass person, and Mikaela from her breasts to the top of her waist. Because of COURSE it is.

She hops in the car and then goes off about her taste in hot guys. Which is weird, and out of left field. Sam is about as confused as I am, then continues to make a fool of himself. This is his nature as a person. Mikaela has no idea who Sam is, even though they’ve gone to the same school for the last 10 years and have multiple classes together. And the fact that she was staring him down all through his genealogy presentation. And at the lake.

This movie isn’t very well thought out, I feel.

It’s at this point the the Camaro turns the key on itself and starts to sputter out and die, as “Sexual Healing” by Marvin Gaye pops on the radio.

I don’t like how this car is trying to get Sam laid.

I don’t like how this car is trying to get Sam laid with a girl who didn’t even know his name five minutes ago.

I don’t like how this car knows what sex is.

The Camaro breaks down on a cliff, and Mikaela hops out to work on the engine, and also to get the hell away from Sam’s sputtering.

As Mikaela admires the sweet engine in this Camaro, showing off her knowledge of cars, we get several shots of her from her breasts to her thighs, while Sam is treated like an actual person. Don’t bother trying to play it off as an artistic choice, Bay, this is blatant horndogging. This adds to NOTHING, other than my ire.

Sam says more stupid shit, and Mikaela, who must be the nicest fucking person in the world, just tells him to fire up the engine so she can try to sort out the problem. Then he asks why she goes for jackasses like Trent, and she decides that she’s hit her limit for today, opting to walk the rest of the way home. Good on you, Mikaela. Don’t take Sam’s bullshit.

Sam, realizing that he’s put his foot in his mouth for the 80th time today, pleads with his Camaro to do him a solid and work, and this actually works out for him. Great. Sam, victorious, once again offers Mikaela a ride, which she, once again, takes.

He drops her off without further incident, and she thanks him for listening. Even though they didn’t really talk that much. I dunno, maybe they had a super deep conversation offscreen. Mikaela asks Sam if he thinks she’s shallow, because clearly all women need approval from the men around them, and Sam says that there’s more to her than meets the eye.

Which made me groan aloud.

Anyway, she gets inside without a problem, and Sam professes his love for his new Camaro for allowing him to talk to a girl. Or at least talk at her.

Back in Washington, D.C., at the Pentagon National Military Command Center, we’re making weirdly racist calls on who hacked the military.

Up with Air Force One, a conspicuous boombox transforms into a robot, and then runs off to hack shit. The President of the United States requests some snack cakes. A flight attendant goes down to storage to retrieve said snack cakes, and finds that boombox in the elevator with her. Considering this is Air Force One, you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing, but this is Bayverse, and we don’t think here.

The flight attendant brings the boombox down with her and places it on the counter as she goes to get the presidential snack cakes. The boombox immediately disappears. Now, you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing, but this is Bayverse-

The flight attendant opens up the snack cake package, for some reason, and drops the cake on the floor. She then proceeds to eat it, and then act shocked when it tastes like floor. There’s a robot in her fucking line of sight, and you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing-

She leaves to go feed the President floor cakes, and our little robot friend gets to work stealing government secrets. He, if nothing else, looks pretty cool doing it. He’s a very pointy lad.

Back at the Pentagon, Maddie- Rachael Taylor’s character- can hear the hacking. This sends everyone into a panic, because, well, that shouldn’t be happening. The hacking noise is a direct match to the one from Qatar, so that’s obviously a problem.

Back on Air Force One, our little robot friend is looking for “Project Iceman”, which he very quickly finds, and downloads everything they’ve got on it, and also plants a virus. The process seems to be… doing things to him. It’s weird. This movie is weird.

The Pentagon cuts all the system hardlines, stopping the process, but it’s too late- he got what he wanted, just about. Two security personnel come into the room, and the robot kills them both with some spinning blade disc nonsense. Air Force One is forced to land for the safety of everyone on-board. More security detail comes in to deal with the little bastard, but he transforms into a boombox and sits on a shelf to avoid suspicion. Now, you’d perhaps expect-

With the plane grounded, our robot is able to walk his little ass over to a cop car. And when I say walk, I do mean walk; this fucker is in multiple folks’ line of sight and nobody notices a thing. When he enters the car, he’s greeted by the mustachioed driver- the same driver who was operating the helicopter at the beginning of the film. This mustache man is a holographic avatar, one that’s being used by all the Decepticons.

We get our first real taste of Cybertronian language, as our robot- it’s Frenzy, his name is Frenzy- lets everyone know that he’s found a clue to the location of the AllSpark, and, through the power of the internet, knows where to find the guy who’s gonna give them what they need.

Three guesses to who it is, and the first two don’t count.

Back at the Witwicky household, Sam’s car does a runner in the middle of the night. Sam, horrified that his property is being stolen, pursues on a bike, screaming at his dad to call the cops. Sam also calls the cops, as he tears through the neighborhood.

The Camaro breaks into an abandoned building, Sam follows, and we finally get a shot of our audience appeal character. Sam watches in disbelief as a giant yellow space robot shines a beacon into the sky, then makes a video on his flip phone recording the experience. He apologizes to his parents for owning pornographic magazines, and goes to face his probable demise.

However, death does not come from above, instead manifesting itself as two of the strongest junkyard dogs in the known universe, who break their brick-inlaid chains to get at this little dip of a man. Sam is chased through the yard, climbing on top of a couple precarious oil drums, even though there’s a ladder, like, right there. The Camaro rolls in, scaring off the dogs, and Sam bolts, throwing the keys to his ride at his ride. When he gets outside, the cops have arrived, and immediately arrest him.

Back with the US government, the Secretary of State is having a conversation about all the bullshit that just went down with Air Force One. He and his fellow cishet old white men discuss their options, until Maddie comes in to set them straight on some of the facts. They act all indignant about it, because women can’t be smart, right?

Right???

RIGHT??????????

RIGH-

Anyway, we get a weird little deflection of Maddie’s role in everything, because a woman is nothing without the men around her, then she brings up the point that the bullshit that happened on Air Force One went down in just a few seconds, which isn’t something that anyone can actually do. She brings up quantum mechanics, which everyone blows off as nonsense- not that I wouldn’t as well- and theorizes on a DNA-based computer, which is technically a thing, if not trapped in the realm of speculation. It’s at this point that the Secretary of Defense tells her to come back when she can back these wild claims up, and isn’t just clearly spitballing.

And then he snaps his fingers at her, and any point he might have had leaves my brain so I have more room for being enraged.

Back with Sam, we’re at the police station talking to the cops. His dad is here, and Sam is trying to explain that his car is a dude. Even though he took at a video (one that was likely crap, given how quickly he spun his phone around to show off what he was seeing) the cops, understandably, don’t believe him. Then one of them, not so understandably, starts… threatening Sam? With his sidearm? And daring him to try something? This isn’t any sort of statement on the corruption of American law enforcement, it’s just bizarre.

Back in Qatar, our soldier buddies have found a telephone line, and are going to try to use it to get in contact with the rest of the world. It’s just too bad that Scorponok’s decided to make an entrance, and knock said telephone line the hell down. Ed Sheeran has next to no reaction to this, despite it happening maybe ten feet behind him. Fig speaks Spanish, and Ed Sheeran makes a point to be an asshole about it.

Scorponok is about to stab Lennox with his very pointy tail, when Epps notices- finally, someone with peripheral vision- and starts shooting. Then everyone starts shooting, kicking up enough sand to blind themselves, as Scorponok scuttles away, buries himself, then reappears behind Ed Sheeran.

Ed Sheeran does not survive this experience.

The others bolt, not wanting the same to happen to them, and for the fourth time I wonder just why the hell this young boy was at the base in the first place.

Off in the distance, the community of a nearby town wonders just what the shit is going on out in the desert. Our soldiers run into the town, and everyone gets their guns and start firing on Scorponok, who retaliates, because why the hell wouldn’t he?

Lennox demands that the young boy take him to his father, and proceeds to borrow his phone. As shit goes down outside, we have a sort-of gag where Lennox is trying to contact the Pentagon, while a telemarketer tries to get him to buy a phone package. In order for this call to go through, he’s going to need a credit card. This is where the well-known “pocket” scene comes from, as Lennox searches Epps’ pants for his wallet as he fires on Scorponok. It’s probably the best-written thing in this whole film.

With the credit card acquired, Lennox finally gets through to the Pentagon, and tosses Epps the phone so he can talk. Maybe he’s got anxiety about speaking on the phone, I dunno.

Scorponok shows off his disregard for historical architecture, blowing up several buildings, and the US government just watches this all go down. One of the actors in this scene looks like my dad, and it trips me up every time he’s on screen. Anyway, now the Pentagon knows about the giant space robots running around in Qatar. They send over some air support about it. All this manages to do is piss Scorponok off.

So they try it again.

This time it works, sort of.

At the very least, he’s left now.

Tail fell off, though.

Also, Fig’s been grievously wounded. The others, for once, don’t make fun of his native language while they help him hold his blood inside his body.

Back at the Pentagon, Maddie’s looking to prove that the bullshit that’s been going on is of the sci-fi variety, and in order to do that, she’s going to need a little outside help. She takes the information from the Pentagon, slaps it into an SD card, hides that shit in her blush compact, and then runs out the door to Glenn Whitmann’s house. Or, rather, his grandma’s house.

Glenn is a hacker, and shouldn’t be seeing anything that Maddie’s brought him, but everyone knows that confidentiality is for nerds, so whatever.

Back at the Pentagon, Maddie’s immediately been caught. It’s almost like slapping the military network onto an SD card maybe wasn’t such a hot idea. But what do I know?

Glenn takes a look at the soundbite and figures out that there’s a code embedded in the thing in about two seconds. Good to know our tax dollars are being well-spent on the US military, that some dude in his jammies can figure this shit out faster than a whole team of analysts. They figure out that “Project Iceman” is involved with this somehow, and also the existence of Sector Seven. It’s at this point that the FBI busts in. Good. I kind of want Maddie to go to jail for this, because she was about as stupid as she could be handling the situation.

Glenn’s cousin goes through a closed glass door- don’t worry, it’s tempered- and there’s a weird cut before that exact same shot continues, and he’s tackled into the pool. There was no reason for that to have happened, but here we are.

Back with Sam, we’re treated to him in his boxers, shooting basketballs in his room. He goes into the kitchen, where Mojo is standing on a stool. It’s a very tall stool, the sort you sit on, and he’s just… there. I don’t know how he got there. There’s no one else in the room besides Sam, and I know he didn’t put him there.

Clearly this must mean Mojo is God, and being on that stool is his divine will. I will be approaching the rest of the franchise with this in mind, because it’s clearly the only answer.

Our merciful Lord Mojo jumps up on the kitchen counter and begins growling at something through the window. Sam looks out… the opposite window… to find that his Camaro has returned to him, and is less than thrilled about it, to put it lightly. He drops a jug of milk- luckily it was mostly empty, given the sound it makes when it hits the floor- and gives his buddy Miles a call. You remember Miles, don’t you? If you don’t, it’s fine, because he reestablishes his quirkiness with a single shot, as he sits in a swimsuit and bathes his huge-ass dog in a kiddie pool, and answers the phone with a headset he just happened to be wearing. He must get a lot of calls during Dog Washing Hours. 

After giving us one of the most intense voice cracks I’ve ever heard, Sam books it out of his house, hopping on a bike to escape his murderous Camaro. He’s not seen the thing commit any murders, mind you, but he seems pretty convinced that it would do the job, given half a chance. Also, this isn’t the bike he rode the night before; that one is likely being chewed on by those strong-ass junkyard dogs. No, for some reason, the Witwickys have a pastel pink girl’s bike, with the fun little handle tassels and the basket and everything. As far as I can tell, Sam is an only child, and if you think Bay’s going to allow for a teenage boy to have the vulnerability to own a pink bike, you’ve not been paying attention for the last 48.5 minutes.

The Camaro gives chase, rolling after Sam on his bike at a brisk 7 MPH down the friggin’ sidewalk, one of the only scenes in this travesty of a film to actually get me to crack a smile. Sam races through town until city planning puts a stop to him, through the magic of using chunks of cement to decorate the mulch around their trees. He crashes his bike, faceplants into the concrete in front of Mikaela, and promptly dies, thus ending the film.

No, he doesn’t die. I just told a fib. I’m sorry.

Instead, he does a flip and lands on his back, likely receiving a concussion, in front of Mikaela and her friends. Her friends laugh, because everyone hates Sam, as they should, and Mikaela says that what he just did was “really awesome.” Don’t try to be nice, Mikaela, this is Sam we’re talking about; you could stick the dude in the freezer overnight and he still wouldn’t be even remotely cool.

Sam gets back to the whole “running away from a car” deal, and Mikaela decides that this is the sort of thing she’d like to do with her day, so she ditches her friends in the middle of their scheduled Burger King™ time to go see what the hell Sam’s on about.

As Sam is chased by the Camaro who is being chased by Mikaela on her motorized scooter, a cop becomes involved, tearing through the streets to join this ridiculous game of tag. Now, we’ve seen two different flavor of cop so far- the mustachioed avatar cop car that picked up Frenzy from the airport, and the dude who threatened a teenage boy with a gun after accusing him of being under the influence of drugs. Either way, I don’t think this is going to turn out well for Sam.

Sam’s cornered himself under one of those really wide bridges where people can park their cars, which wasn’t terribly smart, but it’s Sam, so this is about par for the course. The Camaro manages to miss him, but the cop car does not. Sam is actually pretty cool with the cops being here, as if they could do anything about “Satan’s Camaro.” I guess he didn’t see the decal on the side of this car that says “to punish and enslave…”

Sam attempts to approach the car for help, and gets clotheslined by a car door for his troubles. He hits his head on the pavement, certainly exasperating the brain injury he received not ten minutes ago. Still, he continues to try to talk to the holographic avatar through the windshield, revealing that the bike he’s been riding is his mother’s. Mystery solved, I suppose.

The cop car doesn’t much appreciate being slapped on the hood, and begins to rev violently at Sam, threatening to run him over several times. Then it explodes into being a robot. Sam, who’s seen a lot of really weird shit in the last 24 hours, nopes out of the situation. It’s at this point that I realize he’s wearing a shirt for the band the Strokes. I don’t know why that stuck out to me, but it did. Guess my brain needed something to latch onto during all this.

Sam is running as fast as his little legs allow, as our newest robot friend takes up a leisurely jog to keep pace. Then he kicks Sam. He kicks Sam’s body like the football. This, of course, instantly turns Sam into a bag of jelly and kills him, thus ending the film.

No, he doesn’t die. I just told another fib. I’m sorry.

Sam somehow survives being punted by a giant metal leg and lands in the windshield of a car that doesn’t turn into a robot. Then he gets yelled at by the cop car. This is Barricade, a member of the Decepticons, and Sam’s got something he wants. Or, should I say “LadiesMan217” has something he wants.

LadiesMan217 is Sam’s Ebay username. This is both stupid because no teenage boy existing beyond the year 1985 would have ever called himself that, and also because it’s just stupid.

Barricade wants the glasses Sam presented for his genealogy report, and he wants them NOW. Seeing as the thing he wants is for sale, and nobody had been bidding on it, one would wonder why Barricade and his associates didn’t just try to purchase them like upstanding citizens. Perhaps Decepticons don’t understand the concept of money, or perhaps they don’t have a stable address to have the glasses shipped to. Or perhaps nobody considered that angle when the script was being put together. Who can say?

Sam gets back to running away from Barricade, we see where Mikaela got to, and the two of them collide. Sam rips Mikaela off of her scooter, and they both fall to the ground. Mikaela, who did not buckle the clasp on her helmet, asks Sam what his fucking problem is. Then his problem shows up, and they take a very long time to get up so they can run. So long, in fact, that the Camaro has to swing in to save them. After much pleading from Sam, Mikaela gets inside Satan’s Camaro, and the two of them are whisked away to safety. Barricade pursues, and then the butt rock starts.

There’s a lot of screaming and yelling, the Camaro busts through a window and several shelves in an abandoned building, there’s some drifting, and then suddenly it’s nighttime. Barricade somehow got in front of the Camaro, and is circling like a shark. The Camaro locks the two teenagers inside itself, though I suppose they could climb out through the still-open windows if they really wanted to. The Camaro cuts the engine off, then cuts it back on and bolts for the exit, and this somehow tricks Barricade long enough for them to get past.

The Camaro dumps Mikaela and Sam out one of the doors and then transforms into that yellow space robot we saw a bit ago. It’s Bumblebee! Nearly an hour in, and we finally get a proper look at the little bastard. I guess that’s what happens when you spend the first 20-something minutes on being xenophobic and appealing to the focus groups that think it’s fine sexualize high schoolers.

Bumblebee- no, he’s not introduced himself yet, but I just can’t keep calling him “the Camaro” anymore- comes out of his transformation ready to square the fuck up. Barricade throws himself at Bumblebee, they roll around on the ground for a bit, then things start sparking and exploding, because this is a Michael Bay film. Frenzy jumps out and starts chasing down Mikaela and Sam, while Bumblebee and Barricade murder death punch each other. Frenzy manages to grab Sam by the ankles, drag him to the ground, and rip his pants off. Not sure how that happened, considering he’s still got his shoes on.

While Sam’s busy being chased by a sentient pile of safety pins, Mikaela’s taken it upon herself to be proactive about her survival, and is raiding a nearby building for power tools. She sprints out holding an electric jig saw and saves Sam by decapitating Frenzy. If you know anything about Transformers, then you know this doesn’t actually kill Frenzy, but good on her for being a badass. Why couldn’t Mikaela be our main character again? Oh, right, because she’s a ~girl~.

Sam punts Frenzy’s head, like, 50 yards, which seems like something he shouldn’t be able to do, given that he’s a massive weenie, but there you are. With that out of the way, Sam takes Mikaela’s hand and they run off to go watch the giant robot fight. The bottom of Frenzy’s head turns into a spider and he crawls his way over to Mikaela’s purse. He’s gonna steal her gum, the fiend!

Mikaela and Sam have, unfortunately, missed the giant robot fight, which means that we, as the audience, have also missed the giant robot fight. Which is unbelievably stupid, seeing as everyone who has ever watched this movie came for the GIANT GODDAMN ROBOTS.

Mikaela asks just who the hell the yellow robot is, I guess because she’s finally had a second to process what the hell’s going on. Sam claims that he’s a super-advanced robot, “probably from Japan.” Whether or not this is a reference to the Japanese origins of the original toy line isn’t clear, though somehow I think it’s more xenophobia. Sam also makes the claim that if Bumblebee had intended to hurt them, he would have done it by now. This is quite the jump from a few hours ago, when he was calling the poor guy “Satan’s Camaro.”

Sam finally, finally asks Bumblebee what his deal is, and we get our first taste of the Bayverse Bumblebee Gimmick. The Gimmick here is that, due to an injury to his vocal processing, Bumblebee cannot communicate through traditional means, i.e. speech. Because of this, he instead strings together sentences by flicking through the radio frequencies and choosing key words. This can lead to some interesting audio design, like describing his fellow Autobots to “rain down like visitors form heaven, Hallelujah!” because a radio sermon fit what he was trying to say best.

This gimmick is one that has been used in other pieces of Transformers media, at least in part. Bumblebee is unable to speak traditionally in Transformers: Prime, and instead communicates in beeps and clicks that his teammates can understand, but not so much the humans, save for Raf. In Bumblebee (2018), the idea was used whole-cloth, with the injury resulting in his inability to speak happening on-camera within the first 10 minutes of the movie, and the idea of “expressing oneself through music” being introduced by his human companion Charlie Watson.

All in all, I rather like the idea going on here; it’s an interesting part of his character that opens up for a lot of interesting and creative moments.

It’s just too bad it was introduced in fucking Bayverse.

But yeah, anyway, the other Autobots are coming to Earth. Shit’s gonna be lit.

Bumblebee turns back into a Camaro, and Sam uses the power of FOMO to get Mikaela to go in the car with him. We get a shot of Barricade fucking dying on the side of the road. Frenzy murders Mikaela’s phone, and then steals its identity, including the little bejeweled heart stickers. Good thing Mikaela remembered to go get her purse, otherwise he probably would have felt very silly doing that.

Mikaela refuses to sit in the driver’s seat, seeing as she now knows Sam’s car is sentient, and sort of feels weird about this whole thing. Sam suggests that she sit in his lap instead, as the camera angles to give us a peek at the cup of Mikaela’s bra. When asked why the hell she should do such a thing, Sam says it’s a concern about her safety, given that the middle console of the car does not have a seatbelt. Sam either fails to recognize that seatbelts going over two layered bodies won’t save either of them in the event of a crash, or he’s just trying to make an excuse to have a pretty girl in his lap.

Given what movie this is, I’m going to guess it’s the latter.

Mikaela has a similar line of thought, but scoots over anyway, saying that the seatbelt line was a “smooth move”. It wasn’t, but if I picked apart every single bad line Sam had in this film, I’d be here all day.

Mikaela questions Bumblebee’s taste in alt-mode, which offends him to the point of dumping both her and Sam out in the street and driving away. He returns, moments later, as a sleek new Camaro, that I’m sure some car aficionados would call “sexy.”

Bumblebee’s alt-mode is a 2009 Chevrolet Camaro, of which there were none during the time of filming. It was put together for this movie in roughly five weeks. Sam is blown away by the fact that he now owns a car that does not currently exist in his universe. Mikaela is impressed, or at least she would be, if women were allowed to show that emotion in a non-horny way in a Bay film.

Judy doesn’t count.

As Bumblebee breaks into yet another restricted area, we get a shot of the Earth from orbit, as several objects rocket towards the planet. Sam and Mikaela watch the Autobots burn up in the atmosphere, and Mikaela tries to hold Sam’s hand as they do, and it’s at this point that I have to address how much I hate these two’s dynamic.

I don’t give a single solitary shit about this romance, because A) it’s poorly written, B) Mikaela could do infinitely better than Sam, C) I dislike Sam so very much, D) Mikaela, who is a way more interesting character, got placed on friggin’ love interest duty because ~girl~, and E) it’s useless padding to try and make me care about what’s happening here, and I just DON’T. I do NOT care about whether these two get together or not.

We see the Autobots crash-land, three out of four of them causing massive amounts of property damage and possibly killing at least one person. Their stasis pods crack open, and they each climb out, completely naked and in desperate need of clothing to hide their shame. With a quick scan of nearby vehicles, they’re once again decent to be seen in public.

Bumblebee drives the kids out to what I can only assume is the warehouse district he sent that beacon out in, as our collection of good guys finally come together at long last. A massive Peterbilt semi-truck stops directly in front of Mikaela and Sam.

We’re over an hour into this film, and we’re just now getting to the quintessential Transformer, Optimus Prime himself.

In the original cartoon, Optimus’s alt-mode was what’s known as a cabover truck, one where the cab- where the driver sits- is seated directly over the engine. These were popular during the days when maximum truck-lengths were much shorter than they are currently. This is why when you look at height charts for Optimus over various continuities, his G1 cartoon counterpart much shorter than his other iterations.

Modern trucks are longer, and don’t need the cab to sit on top of the engine to save on space. The designers chose to use a Peterbilt to make sure that Optimus would have an imposing stature when compared to his fellow Autobots.

Because heaven forbid we not have heightism come into play in this film.

Our Autobots transform, and say what you will about these bastards being visually incomprehensible, the transformations themselves are cool as hell. My personal favorite is Jazz’s, where he does a cool windmill into his root mode.

Optimus crouches like he’s looking at a cool bug on the sidewalk and addresses Sam by name. He doesn’t even acknowledge Mikaela, which I find to be a bit rude, but whatever. He then introduces himself as the leader of the Autobots.

Peter Cullen is back as the voice for Optimus Prime, sounding wonderful as always. He almost wasn’t brought on for this project, because Michael Bay didn’t want him. If the fans hadn’t thrown a hissyfit, who knows who we would have gotten to be our space dad for the next hour and a half?

This is actually an issue that’s recurred several times in the last few years, and not just with Cullen; Frank Welker, the voice of Megatron, as well as many other Transformers, has been refused roles within Transformers properties. In general, this is because both Cullen and Welker are union actors, and Hasbro would prefer to hire sound-alikes than pay more money for the originals. This isn’t to shame the non-union actors, goodness no, just to merely point out less-than-fantastic business practices.

I realize there have been a lot of tangents, but you have to understand that I am suffering as I do this.

Optimus then introduces his team- there’s Jazz, whose first line is “What’s crackin’ little bitches?”, Ironhide, who incorrectly quotes Dirty Harry, and Ratchet, who calls out just how obnoxiously horny Sam’s character is. We also finally get Bumblebee’s name.

Mikaela asks the very good question of why the fuck the Autobots are here on Earth. Optimus explains that the AllSpark is here, and they’ve got to get to it before Megatron does. He then goes on to explain who Megatron is, stating that he “betrayed” the Cybertronian empire.

No, how exactly he did that isn’t addressed. We’ll just have to take Optimus’s word, I suppose.

If you’ve sussed out by this point the the AllSpark and the Cube™ are the same thing, congrats! You win. Megatron followed the AllSpark to Earth, where he promptly was neutralized by the cold of the Arctic circle. This was 110 years prior to the events of this film, and where Archibald Witwicky came in to the story.

When the expedition was happening, Archibald fell through the ice during a collapse, and ended up finding Megatron’s frozen body in an ice cave. He went poking around on this strange metal giant, and ended up activating Megatron’s navigation systems, which imprinted the coordinates of the AllSpark onto Archibald’s glasses.

Don’t ask how that works, it just does.

So, the Autobots need the glasses, so they can find the AllSpark before the Decepticons do, so those guys don’t use it to build an army out of Earth’s machines, which will destroy humanity.

Sounds simple enough, let’s go get that vision correction device!

Back with the military dudes, everyone’s taking a gander at the tail that Scorponok left behind. They theorize that the metal that makes up these giant murder-robots reacts to extreme heat, but elaboration on that point will have to wait, because the tail has begun to flail. They quickly strap it down, then call the military to let them know to strap anti-tank guns onto anything that’s going to be approaching any giant robots.

Meanwhile, in an interrogation room, Maddie and Glen have been left to sweat a bit. Glen takes to stress-eating, while framing it as a psychological tactic to subconsciously prove his innocence to the FBI.

This is a fat joke, with the added nasty layer of Glen being a black man about to be interrogated by one of the most intimidating white cops I’ve seen in a hot minute.

Glen immediately folds, pinning all the blame on Maddie, and claiming that he’s been a perfect angel his whole life. We get some weird purity culture out of him, before Maddie lets the FBI know that she needs to talk to the Secretary of Defense, NOW.

Over at the Witwicky household, Sam’s parents are watching the news, trying to find out what all those loud crashes were about. Optimus Prime drives down their residential street, the rest of the gang in tow, then they all park to wait for Sam to go get the glasses.

For about 20 seconds.

Sam has to physically hold the door shut to prevent his father from coming out and seeing several very tall robots from outer space tip-toeing around his freshly-landscaped yard, I guess because they got antsy. Optimus plods around on the grass and breaks a fountain, and our benevolent god Mojo comes out of the house, assuredly to smite the leader of the Autobots.

Mikaela runs onto the scene, and Sam chastises her for not controlling the robots who didn’t even acknowledge her existence, outside of pointing out Sam was sexually attracted to her.

Mojo pees on Ironhide’s foot, which prompts Ironhide to threaten to shoot the creature. This is why Ironhide isn’t getting into heaven. Sam, one of Mojo’s chosen few, claims that the mortal shell of his god is seen as a beloved pet by many humans. Sam runs into the house, before Mojo can incur his divine wrath on the Autobots.

While Sam goes to get the glasses, the Autobots decide to do a little peeping on the house, watching his parents watch TV. Sam tears his room apart trying to find the glasses, and Optimus thinks that it would be helpful if he brought Mikaela up to help look. It’s at this point that I realize that Sam has an utterly bizarre fish tank.

I mean, legitimately, what the fuck is this? No filter, no plants, might not even have any rocks on the bottom. Is this a comically oversized bong Sam threw a couple fish into? What the fuck.

Mikaela starts looking for the glasses, running into what is likely a box of porn mags, then they both look out the window to find that the Autobots have decided to hide in plain sight by transforming... in the middle of Sam’s backyard. Amazing work, gentlemen.

Sam finally convinces the Autobots to go sit in the alley and wait, only for Ratchet to run into a power line and trip into a greenhouse. The resulting impact is interpreted as an earthquake. Judy does not have the reaction one might expect from someone who’s lived in California for at least ten years.

Ratchet’s fine, by the way.

The power cuts out, and Ron goes up to check on his son, because he’s at least a halfway-decent father. Ratchet’s shining a light to aid in the search for the glasses. Sam’s parents notice this bright light, and bang on Sam’s door to see what’s up.

Sam quickly hides Mikaela and then attempts to salvage the situation, answering the door and trying to control the narrative. Unfortunately, Ron is far too inquisitive for Sam to do this, and then Judy asks if Sam was masturbating.

Judy, is privacy just not a thing to you? Because if not, it really ought to be.

She keeps going with it too, trying to come up with code words, until another one of the Autobots trips and causes Ron to panic again, climbing into Sam’s ancient claw-foot bathtub to protect himself. He looks out the window to check on his beloved yard, lamenting that the earthquake tore it up.

Ironhide is strongly considering killing Sam’s parents. Optimus tells him that they don’t harm humans, and also begins to wonder if he made a mistake bringing this guy along.

Back in Sam’s room, it’s becoming increasingly obvious that Sam is an absolutely terrible liar, and Mikaela reveals herself, if only to prevent Judy from trying to talk about self-pleasure again. Of course, now she gets to be subjected to both of Sam’s parents objectifying her, so this might be a lose-lose situation.

Sam is reminded that his backpack is in the kitchen, just in time for the government to show up at his house. Mikaela makes a comment about Judy being nice. I suppose on a surface level, yes, being told that you’re gorgeous by someone’s mom is nice. I do have to question the context that compliment took place in, however.

Sam’s about to hand the glasses over to the Autobots, when someone rings the doorbell. It’s Sector Seven, and they’re here to talk to Sam about his stolen car being part of an issue involving national security. Ron and Judy are more concerned about their yard being torn up, Judy yelling that they “need to get their hands off [her] bush.”

We still have another hour of this movie.

The agent leading this mission asks Sam to come with him for questioning, which his parents are very much against. Mojo also voices his displeasure, but it would seem that Agent Simmons is not a follower of the Tenets of Mojo. Sam gets geigered, and his readings are high enough for Sector Seven to take him and everyone in this house into custody.

As Sam and Mikaela are riding in the back of the car, Simmons brings up Sam’s Ebay account, and also the phone video he took of Bumblebee earlier in the week. Mikaela is rather unimpressed with Sam at the moment, probably because he’s gotten her arrested. She still tries to help him out though, because she really is just the nicest fucking person on the planet.

Alas, the combined efforts of these two teenagers isn’t enough to fool the long arm of the law, especially when it’s a branch of said law that deals with extraterrestrial activity. Simmons threatens to lock up these literal children for life if they don’t start talking. Mikaela isn’t taking the bait, so he goes after her father’s parole hearing instead.

Yep! As it turns out, Mikaela and her father stole cars to get by, and she’s got the record to back that claim up. Simmons calls her a criminal, then says that criminals are hot. Mikaela looks like she’s about to cry, and I don’t blame her in the slightest.

Optimus, I suppose because his dad senses were tingling, takes the opportunity to place his leg in the road for the car to run into, then grabs said car like an unruly cat and lifts it until the roof rips off due to stress. The agents in the other cars pile out and point their guns at the giant space robot. The rest of the Autobots quickly relieve them of their weapons.

Optimus notes that Simmons doesn’t seem surprised that a bunch of giant robots just took all his guys’ guns, and demands that he exit the vehicle, posthaste. Simmons obliges, after a bit more prodding. Mikaela undoes Sam’s handcuffs, and he gets fucking pissy about it, as if this girl he’s had a grand total of three (awkward) conversations with should have told him something as personal as “hey, so my dad’s in jail and I’ve been to juvenile detention.”

Luckily, she doesn’t let him get away with it, calling him out as the spoiled, self-centered, privileged little shithead that he is.

Of course, we don’t get any sort of real acknowledgement from Sam, having to move on with the plot. Perhaps, if we hadn’t spent the last hour and 20 minutes faffing about on drivel, we could have had Sam get an actual moment of self-reflection, and potentially even character growth. However, this is Bayverse, and everyone knows that personal accountability is for fucking sissies.

Mikaela and Sam ask several questions, but get no answers from Agent Simmons. And then Bumblebee pees on him.

I hate that I had to write that. I hate it very much.

Anyway, I don’t know why that had to happen, but it did, and I’m nothing if not thorough.

Optimus tells Bumblebee to cut it out, and with that the Sector Seven agents are cuffs and left on the side of the road. Mikaela orders Simmons to strip, as punishment for threatening her father, then cuffs him to a street lamp.

...Yes, that does sound like a bizarre sexual fantasy, doesn’t it?

Unfortunately for our teen heroes, they forgot to confiscate everyone’s phones, and Sector Seven knows what’s up, thanks to the power of speakerphone. More cars and a couple of helicopters show up basically immediately, and the Autobots decide it’s time to dip.

But not before Ironhide fires off a pulsewave into the ground that causes a five-car pileup.

Optimus, I suppose because he knows he chose a ridiculously flashy alt-mode that is in no way practical, just picks the kids up in and places them on his shoulder like a couple of parakeets, then takes up a leisurely jog to get away from the eyes in the sky. He runs through the city, racking up what is likely millions in property damage, as the helicopters pursue. He passes by a “Legalize LA” billboard, which feels odd to see, given what movie this is.

The ‘copters somehow manage to lose Optimus, despite him being relatively slow, and having a notable radiation level that they’ve been using to track him. He hides inside the scaffolding of a bridge, only for Mikaela and Sam to slip off of his polished body to their deaths, thus ending the film.

No, they don’t die. I just told another fib. I’m sorry.

Bumblebee snatches them up just before they hit the ground, the impact of his metal body catching them at 75 mph, killing them instantly and ending the film.

Nope, that doesn’t happen either.

Mikaela and Sam are fine, some-fucking-how, but Sam’s dropped the MacGuffin glasses. The helicopters swing back around, having noticed the sound of a car crashing into the ground and the screams of two whole adolescents. They break out a fucking harpoon gun and fire on our kid appeal character.

Repeatedly.

They wrap up Bumblebee in a series of cables, as he screams like a moose. Mikaela and Sam are held at gunpoint by what is honestly far too many dudes, and are then arrested for the second time in ten minutes. Bumblebee is smoked... because he’s a bee? Sam, not liking this one bit, finds the strength in his weenie body to push a cop off of himself, run at one of the dudes with the smoke guns, throw him to the ground, and then start smoking him. He’s immediately tackled, but points for trying.

Sam and Mikaela are placed back into custody, and the rest of the Autobots regroup with Optimus to see what the plan is. Optimus says that they can’t save Bumblebee without hurting humans, so I guess Bumblebee is just a POW now. Well, at least they got the glasses. That’s cool.

Back at the Pentagon, things are getting dicey, as the other world powers are starting to suspect that something’s up. The Secretary of Defense is approached by a man with a mustache and a briefcase. He’s from Sector Seven, but the Secretary gives not a fuck about mysterious organizations. All the computers in the room suddenly go down, the virus from earlier working its magic- only this time, the blackout is global.

Mr. Mustache opens his briefcase, while explaining that Sector Seven is something known as a “special access” sector of the government, which is why nobody’s ever heard of it; it’s beyond top secret. Commissioned by President Herbert Hoover 80 years prior, it deals with alien life.

When the Beagle 2 spacecraft was lost on the way to Mars in 2003, the mission was declared a failure. This was a lie. The Beagle 2 recorded several seconds of Mars before being crushed to death by a Transformer. This tidbit is pretty funny, given that the Beagle 2 was rediscovered on Mars in 2014, seven years after this film released. Not a terribly mysterious death anymore, is it?

Comparing the footage from Mars to the footage from Qatar has Sector Seven thinking that these are the same species. Which they are. God, it’d be so fucked up if there were two species of giant robots in this film.

Mr. Mustache theorizes that because the Transformers now know that they can be harmed by human weaponry, they’re being proactive about their safety and shutting down all forms of communication technology with that virus that keeps popping up. It’s only a matter of time before the shit hits the fan for humanity.

Mr. Secretary tells his guys to try going analog with comms, breaking out the short-wave radios, to tell their ships to return home.

Over at an Air Force base, Lennox and the gang have landed, only to be scooped up by a bunch of dudes in suits.

Back with Maddie and Glen, the two of them have fallen asleep in the interrogation room, Maddie still wearing her friggin’ four inch pumps as her legs are propped up on the table, crossed in a way that seems rather uncomfortable. Glen gets to sleep like a normal human being, with his head resting on his forearms. Why this place doesn’t have a holding cell for these situations is beyond me.

Mr. Secretary comes in to bring Maddie on as his advisor. Glen can come too, I guess, considering he’s the one who actually figured out the sound file virus.

We get a little military glorification, and then it’s revealed that Mikaela and Sam, as well as Maddie and Glen, are aboard this helicopter. Their paths cross at last. Our heroes are transported to the Hoover Dam, where Bumblebee is also. They are still smoking him.

Meanwhile, the Autobots are figuring out where to go, with the power of Archibald’s glasses. Ratchet, who I guess is omnipotent, senses that the Decepticons have also figured out the location, and that this is going to be a race against the clock. And I mean, he’s right, but the phrasing is a bit odd.

Jazz wants to know when they’re going to save Bumblebee. Optimus says that they aren’t, and that Bumblebee’s sacrifice is noble, and that he would want the Autobots to leave him and complete the mission. As this is said, we get another shot of Bumblebee getting smoked and trapped in a lab. Yep, this is totally what he would want. He absolutely signed up for this, giving himself up to the government and not at all fighting like mad to not be captured.

I don’t think Bayverse Optimus actually knows what martyrdom is, which is bizarre, given that it’s a major trait in a lot of other iterations of the character.

Ironhide isn’t even sure why they’re bothering to save humanity, given that humans are violent and awful, his point being hammered home as Bumblebee is tortured for scientific reasons. Ironhide seems to have forgotten that Cybertron has been at war for literally millions of years. Optimus has faith in humanity, however, stating that we’re “young”.

And then he says that he’s going to end his own race, by destroying the Cube™, which is how they reproduce, because that’s the only way to end the war.

Which is arguably one of the most hardcore fictional applications of eugenics ever conceived.

Being advocated for by Optimus Goddamn Prime.

We still have another 50 minutes of this movie.

Optimus then proves that he does, in fact, know what self-sacrifice is, stating that, if all else fails, he’ll shove the AllSpark into his spark, which will destroy them both. He’s pretty chill about it, too.

Up on top of the Hoover Dam, Frenzy has fallen out of Mikaela’s bag.

Mr. Secretary is also at the Hoover Dam now, as is Lennox’s team. Oh, and Agent Simmons, who is thankfully wearing pants. He offers to buy Sam a coffee, as repartitions for threatening his family, arresting him, and being a complete creep to a teenage girl. Sam gives not a fuck about caramel macchiatos with extra foam and chocolate drizzle, however. He only cares about his car.

Mr. Mustache, who is also here, needs Sam to spill the beans on all these friggin’ giant robots that are running around. This is where Sam realizes he has the upper hand for once, and he starts making demands. One such demand is having Mikaela’s record scrubbed clean, which is an actually very nice thing for him to have done for her. We’ll see if his intent comes to fruition. For now, it’s time to talk about Bumblebee.

We get a shot of all these folks heading into the secret base hidden inside the Hoover Dam, and it’s at this point that I notice that Maddie’s shirt is basically see-through.

Inside the Dam, we see that Sector Seven′s been keeping Megatron this entire time, keeping him neutralized with cryo-stasis since 1935. Cryopreservation was invented in the 50′s. This isn’t a nitpick, I just thought it was a neat little fact.

Megatron being on Earth has resulted in most modern technology. This sort of plot point always bothers me, because it takes away agency from the entire human race. We didn’t use our own ingenuity and work ethic to advance society, we plagiarized from a more advanced species. I dunno, it just rubs me the wrong way.

We get the part of the movie where info is hashed out, so that everyone is on the same page, Sam spouting off Autobot propaganda. We can forgive him for this,considering he’s 16, and no one is immune to propaganda, especially when they have zero way of doing their own research to form their own opinion with.

Sector Seven also has the AllSpark, kept in the room next to Megatron’s, like the chumps they will soon find themselves to be. It’s about ten stories tall and the reason the Hoover Dam exists. With so much concrete suppressing its alien energies, surely no one will ever find it!

Except for Frenzy, who came in through a mouse hole. Whoopsie-doodle!

The AllSpark zaps the nasty little man, restoring his body with its weird MacGuffin powers. Frenzy tells all his coworkers that he found what they were looking for, and everyone starts heading over.

Maddie asks Mr. Mustache what exactly he means by “energies”, perhaps worried that this whole thing has been some elaborate ploy to get her to invest in magic healing stones. Mr. Mustache brings everyone into a testing chamber, since the best way to explain how the AllSpark works is through a demonstration.

There’s a big fish tank in the middle of this testing chamber, in which Agent Simmons places a donated device from the crowd- Glen’s Nokia phone, specifically. Simmons makes a geologically-confused comment. When this is pointed out by Maddie, Mr. Secretary hushes her, simply saying that Simmons is a strange man. The tank is locked down, and then the show starts.

Cube™ energies are shot into the tank, and the phone explodes into life, transforming into a gorilla-shaped gremlin creature. Happy birthday, little dude!

Little dude starts shooting at the tank walls, cracking the glass until Simmons pulls the trigger and ends it. Happy deathday, little dude!

The Decepticons are making tracks towards the Hoover Dam, but Starscream- yeah, he’s in this now, don’t worry about it- arrives first, because he is a very fast jet. He transforms, showing off his ridiculous Dorito body, and fires on the base’s generators. The resulting explosions can be heard all the way down in the testing chamber, and Mr. Mustache calls upstairs to see what’s up. Looks like Megatron may be getting warmed up, seeing as his ice bath has been cut off. Lennox asks if there’s an arms room in Sector Seven, which sort of feels like asking a bakery if they have any flour.

Frenzy has entered the room that houses the controls for the cryo-stasis and set that whole system to “no, thank you”.

Mr. Mustache runs through the base, screaming for everyone to get to the Megatron chamber. Off in the distance, the Autobots approach. Could probably used some fliers on your team, huh Optimus?

Back with Frenzy, he’s decided to just straight-up raise Megatron’s core temperature directly. Hope he doesn’t do it too fast; rewarming hypothermia victims recklessly can do some serious damage.

Outside of the base, Lennox and the boys are loading up with weaponry, along with what’s the entirety of Sector Seven′s cannon-fodder department. Oh, and all the main cast. Yep, just got a couple of teenagers chillin’ in the munitions room.

Sam wants Simmons to take him to his car- he hasn’t used Bumblebee’s name in a hot minute, not sure what’s up with that- even though Simmons is currently busy loading a very large gun. Simmons doesn’t want to do that, because he’s got no idea if what Sam mentioned earlier is even true, and he doesn’t want to pin the fate of humanity on a single Camaro. Lennox takes this opportunity to tackle Simmons, despite likely not knowing that Bumblebee is one of the “good guys”. A Sector Seven guy very much doesn’t like that, and points a gun at Lennox, which prompts all of his guys to also start threatening folks with guns.

Mr. Mustache walks in on the scene, but doesn’t do anything, since he isn’t armed and knows better than to tangle with someone who’s packing. Simmons tries to intimidate Lennox, because he must have missed the day of boot camp where they tell you that guns kill people. Lennox is fully committed to shooting this dude in the lungs before Mr. Secretary suggests he give the people what they want, before things get ugly.

Simmons takes everyone to the robot torture department of Sector Seven, where they are still smoking Bumblebee. Geez, you’d think they’d have something in place for if they ever came across another giant robot after Megatron, but I guess not. The gang gets everyone to stop smoking Bumblebee, which allows him to stop moose-screaming and strongly consider murdering everyone involved with his forced captivity. Unfortunately, revenge with have to wait, as we’ve still got to deal with the AllSpark, and the fact that the Decepticons are here.

They take Bumblebee to the AllSpark, where he makes direct contact the thing, causing the AllSpark to transform, compacting itself down into a far more reasonable size that Bumblebee can carry in one hand. It doesn’t seem to weigh more than a grown adult, if his body language is saying anything. I’d make a joke about the conservation of mass being ignored, but since this is Transformers, I can’t really say much. Conservation of mass doesn’t exist for this franchise.

Bumblebee would really like to get this show on the road, and Lennox agrees, quickly formulating a plan to get away from Megatron and taking the AllSpark to Mission City, which is relatively close to their current location, so that they can hide it there.

Lennox, I know this plan is a first draft, and we don’t have a ton of time for revisions, but the whole point of building a whole-ass dam around the Cube™ was because it was very difficult to hide, given its magical MacGuffin powers. Regardless of this flaw, Mr. Secretary agrees. Lennox also asks that the Air Force be involved in this, I guess because the U.S. military wanted more screentime.

Of course, that whole “global blackout” thing is still going on, so we’re going to have to get creative with how we’re going to contact the Air Force. Mr. Secretary and Simmons make a break for the WWII-era radio Sector Seven has, while Lennox and the boys head out to shoot things, and Mikaela and Sam hop into Bumblebee with the Cube™.

This is about the point that Megatron wakes up. The first thing he does is introduce himself, which I thought was very polite of him. Then he breaks out his flail and starts bashing shit around. Not so polite, that.

Over with Bumblebee, we’re shown that the AllSpark, all-powerful object that can create life and is the whole reason this conflict is even happening, is just chillin’ in the back seat by itself. It’s not even buckled up.

Megatron escapes the base, and it’s actually super easy. He just transforms, goes through the tunnel, and he’s free. I feel like we could have at least attempted some security measures for in case the cryo-stasis failed, given that we’ve had this dude in containment for the last 70-something years, but okay.

Starscream comes over to say hi to his boss, not that Megatron gives a shit. He just wants to know where that fucking Cube™ is. When Starscream tells him that the humans have it, Megatron makes a comment about how Starscream has failed him yet again. This is their first interaction in this movie, and Starscream’s been in the story for a grand total of five minutes at this point. I know that this is a reference to their dynamic in just about every installment of the franchise up to this point, but it doesn’t feel earned in the slightest. Even if it’s going to be expanded upon in future sequels, this is a shit-tier way to set their (awful) relationship up.

Not that anyone should ever bank on getting a sequel anyway, but that’s a discussion for another time.

Megatron tells Starscream to retrieve the AllSpark, and then we cut over to the radio plotline. The radio, which is so cobweb-covered I feel like Sector Seven needs to have a serious discussion with their custodial staff, has its nobs and buttons fiddled with by Simmons until it crackles to life. But where are the microphones? Everyone starts looking for the mics, as Simmons pushes Glen into the seat, I guess because hacking modern computers and using Depression-era radio tech are similar enough.

Maddie asks Glen if he can hotwire a 90′s-era computer to transmit a tone through the radio, so that they can send a Morse code message to the Air Force. Which sounds ridiculous to me, but I don’t know enough about radios or computers to know if that sort of thing would be possible. Maybe it’s fine. Or maybe it’s Hollywood bullshit. Who knows?

Back over with Bumblebee, we get a bunch of car commercial shots, of both him and the other Autobots. Aww, the gang’s back together again! Nobody tell Bumblebee that Optimus was completely cool with leaving him to his fate.

Optimus and the gang whip around to join the convoy, and everyone makes their way towards Mission City.

Back at the radio subplot, someone’s bangin’ on the door, trying to get in. The others try to block the intruder, while Glen does his hacking stuff. Mr. Secretary breaks a case and pulls out a gun that’s about as old as he is.

Glen gets the computer working, and Mr. Secretary gives him the Super Secret Military Codewords™ to use to talk to the Air Force. While he does that, Simmons finds a flamethrower and starts burning Frenzy as he attempts to enter the room. The Air Force receives the message for an air strike. Oh, goody.

Over with the convoy, it appears that the Autobots and Lennox’s boys are being pursued by the Decepticons. It’s difficult to tell, seeing as the cameras have gone full Bay-mode, but I’m guessing that’s what’s up. One of the Decepticons flips over a minivan, likely killing a family of five. another causes a multi-car pileup.

Bonecrusher transforms, then Optimus transforms. Bonecrusher iceskates across the highway, slamming into a bus so hard it just straight-up explodes. He is on fire. He tackles Optimus, and they proceed to fall off the side of the raised highway they’re on. Then they beat the shit out of each other, until Optimus decapitates Bonecrusher with his arm-sword.

Yeah, space dad is a little intense in the Bayverse.

Back at Sector Seven, Frenzy’s decided to leave the door alone, and instead is crawling through the ventilation shaft. Mr. Secretary and Simmons fire off shots into the duct above them, as if bullets would do anything against this nasty little pile of needles.

Frenzy bursts through the bottom of the duct and crash-lands into a glass case, taking cover behind a pillar and fires on the humans on the other side of the room. While this shootout is happening, Glen receives a response from the Air Force, just in time for Frenzy to accidentally decapitate himself with one of his own spinning blades of death. This time, he does not survive losing his head.

The Air Force will be sending fighter planes to Mission City, and to establish this, we get several shots of what some might call “military porn.”

Over in the city, the convoy has arrived. Lennox hands several short-wave radios over to Epps, telling him to use them to direct the Air Force when they arrive, so they can take the AllSpark... somewhere, I guess. Above, an F-22 zooms across the sky. It is not one of the Air Force’s F-22s.

Ironhide recognizes Starscream, and gets ready to throw down. Bumblebee grabs a nearby Furby truck and hoists it up to use as a shield. This marginally works, as the missile that hits the truck doesn’t immediately kill him, though it probably did all those Furbies inside.

The resulting explosion throws all the humans around, Mikaela getting weird heaven lighting as she lies unconscious on the pavement. Sam gets it too, though, so I suppose I can’t complain too much about this particular shot. They touch hands. I really wish that I could take this moment of vulnerability as being anything other than an attempt to set up a romance between these two teens who have known each other for maybe half a week. This movie has so starved me of genuine human interaction I'm jumping at the smallest of scraps.

Bumblebee actually didn’t get out of that missile-strike unscathed, his legs having been blown off. All those Furbies died for nothing. Tragic. Sam asks Bumblebee if he’s alright, and immediately tells him to get up. Sam then remembers that Bumblebee’s legs are off, so he yells for Ratchet.

Over with Lennox and Epps, they’ve realized that the plane they saw wasn’t one of theirs. Which, you know, has already been established, but points for getting caught up, fellas. Sam is crying and still telling Bumblebee to get up. Bumblebee is dragging himself across the pavement and whimpering. It’s awful. Where the fuck is Ratchet? This is basically the only reason he’s in this film, and he’s nowhere to be found.

The actual Air Force calls on the radio, asking for their location. Brawl, who is a tank, starts firing on Lennox’s gang. Jazz and Ratchet race through the city streets. How they were separated from the rest of the team is anyone’s guess.

Sam takes a little sit on the pavement to be with Bumblebee, while Mikaela decides to problem-solve and heads for a nearby tow truck. Bumblebee hands Sam the Cube™ because, as the designated protagonist, it’s his job to handle it in the climax of the film.

Ironhide is shot at several times by Brawl, narrowly avoiding being hit each time. This, of course, means that the people he drives by in this shot are almost assuredly dead, since they’re right next to the explosions. He transforms and does a flip, as the film goes slow-mo on a shot of a woman in a low-cut dress watching him flip. She screams. Ironhide screams. I scream, though probably for a different reason.

Jazz jumps on Brawl, managing to kick off a couple pieces of kibble before Brawl grabs him and throws him into the side of a building. Ironhide, Optimus, and Ratchet descend on Brawl, and so does Lennox’s team, Brawl losing a hand and getting thrown into his own building as a result.

Mikaela breaks into the tow truck and starts to hotwire that shit. Wow, a relevant back story that culminates in her being able to save the day, thus completing her arc and staying on-theme for her character. Why isn’t Mikaela the protagonist again?

Oh, right, because ~girl~.

Megatron lands in a nearby alleyway, and Ratchet, knowing this dude is bad news, tells everyone to head for the hills. Jazz isn’t fast enough, however, and gets shot for his troubles.

Mikaela drives the truck over to Sam, who is still sitting there with the Cube™, and tells him to get his ass in gear.

Jazz gets taken to the top of a nearby building and is ripped in two by Megatron, who acts like a bird of prey the whole sequence. Down on the ground, Brawl is starting to get back up from his smackdown. Blackout appears on a nearby skyscraper. Things are looking grim for humanity.

Mikaela and Sam hook Bumblebee up to the tow line as Lennox approaches them. Sam has left the AllSpark out of his line of sight, like a fool. Despite seeing this, Lennox still gives him the flare to let the military know where to pick up the AllSpark. Doesn’t even acknowledge Mikaela. He tells Sam to head for the white building with statues on top of it and set the flare on top of the roof. Lennox can’t leave his men, because he’s the head of his operation. Why he can’t send literally anyone else who isn’t a 16 year-old boy isn’t made clear.

Sam really doesn’t want to do this, probably because he’s a child, but Lennox has recruited him to the military against his will, so he must. Lennox then attempts to make Mikaela leave for her own good, but she tells him to fuck off, because she’s gonna save Bumblebee. Clearly, this is a win for feminism.

Epps radios the choppers coming from the Air Force to let them know they’ll be picking up a package from a teenager, thus locking Sam into the job. Ironhide and Ratchet vow to protect Sam from the Decepticons on his way to the pickup point. Not one single person has pointed out how fucked up this is.

Sam starts to run off, when Mikaela stops him to let him know that she’s glad she got in the car with him roughly an hour ago. They don’t kiss goodbye, which, honestly? Good. This fucking movie hasn’t earned that. Sam for sure hasn’t earned that, even if he did clear her juvie record. No word on that having actually been done, by the way. Sam never got confirmation, and I feel like he’s not really the type to follow up on things.

Brawl fires off some shots and makes things explode. Ratchet and Ironhide provide cover fire as Sam sprints down the road. Yep, they’re making this idiot WALK to the pickup point. Sure hope the elevators are working today, otherwise this is going to take forever.

Sam carries the AllSpark like a football, and in a better movie, this would have been foreshadowed by Sam having actually been a football player prior to the events of the film, perhaps removed from the team for some character flaw he’s since grown from/accepted. However, this is Bayverse, and well, men don’t have to justify their existence in the story with things like themes and having even an ounce of thought put into their character.

Back with Mikaela, Lennox has refused to learn her name, calling her “girl” as he screams at her to get Bumblebee hooked up to the tow truck. Which she was already doing when he got here. Lennox, dude, you’ve got a daughter now, you’re super extra not allowed to treat women like this.

Optimus Prime pulls through an alleyway and crashes into a pile of garbage. I can forgive him being late, seeing as he is a big rig, and probably had to take the long way into town so he didn’t get stuck in too-low tunnels. Don’t worry about how we briefly saw him during the Brawl take-down. This is his for real entrance into the climax.

He whips around and transforms, ready to throw the fuck down. Megatron spots him from his perch and descends.

Y’know.

Like a vast, predatory bird.

Megatron shoots at Optimus in his alt-mode, and Optimus catches him like a frisbee. Unfortunately for Optimus, it would appear that the horsepower on a Cybertronian flightcraft is hella intense, and he’s carried away. The two of them crash through an office building, then roll around in the streets punching each other in the face, debating the worth of humanity as they do so. Wish I actually gave a shit about either of these people, but alas! The film spent most of its runtime objectifying women and insulting minorities. I know nothing about Optimus, and even less about Megatron.

Megatron transforms his arms into a laser gun, and Optimus does the same. They shoot at each other. Optimus gets thrown into a building, then lands on the sidewalk below, definitely crushing a dude underneath him, but I guess we didn’t check that the shot was clear for where the CGI was gonna go, so he’s fine.

Sam’s still running through the streets, while Blackout murders, like, so many people behind him. Starscream lands in front of Sam, running into roughly 30 cars as he skids to a halt. Ratchet and Ironhide fire on him, as Sam takes a breather behind a car. Starscream transforms and blasts off. He was here for about 15 seconds. Sam begins running again.

Megatron is now following Sam, because he wants that Cube™. Sam is hit by a car- not an evil one, just a regular car- and trips. The impact makes the AllSpark activate, which grants several machines in the vicinity the gift of life, including the car full of bitchy women that just hit Sam, who are upset that hitting a human being might have scratched the paint.

I get it, you hate women, can we PLEASE stop beating this dead horse?

Sam finally gets to the pickup building, which turns out to be abandoned and fenced off. Good thing the gate was open, otherwise things could get really complicated. He heads inside, Megatron crashing through a floor-to-ceiling window shortly behind him. Megatron makes the claim that he can smell where Sam is. I’m going to choose to believe that he isn’t lying here, since Ratchet did something similar earlier.

Sam finds the stairs, and Megatron calls him a slur.

He doesn’t, really, but the voice modulation certainly makes it sound that way.

While this is happening, Mikaela is driving the tow truck down an alley, dragging Bumblebee behind her with the tow cable. She stops for a moment to have a short breakdown, seeing as she is a teenager in what is currently a warzone.

Sam is still running up the stairs. Outside, the military shoots at one of the Decepticons. It is, of course, doing absolutely nothing to the giant metal space robot. Mikaela concludes her moment, looking back at Bumblebee, who gives her the okay to keep going with dragging his ass across the pavement. She whips the truck around and tells Bumblebee “I’ll drive, you shoot.”

Mikaela then proceeds to speed down a main road of this sizable city backwards, running into cars and more or less shoving Bumblebee along to his destination.

The military has finally realized that their efforts have been pointless, but it’s okay because Bumblebee is here with his superior firepower. Bumblebee proceeds to shoot Brawl in the chest, which kills him. After this, he tries to act cute, lifting up his battle mask in a very “did I do that?” way, as if he’s not the same guy who ripped Barricade apart earlier.

Sam, meanwhile, has finally reached the top of this dilapidated building. Helicopters are approaching his location, but will they make it to him before Megatron does? Honestly, I’d be more worried about Starscream on the building just due East.

Sam is just about to hand the AllSpark over, when Starscream fires at the ‘copter, causing it to crash and nearly chop Sam to pieces. Optimus Prime runs towards the scene, on a roof that I refuse to believe could actually support him. Megatron punches thought the roof from the bottom and asks Sam some philosophical questions. Sam can’t answer, given that he’s hiding on the edge of this building, his flimsy grip on one of the angel statues being the only thing keeping him from falling.

Megatron tells him to give him the AllSpark, and in exchange he might not kill him immediately. Sam tells him to fuck off, and Megatron flails the chunk of building he was hanging on to, causing Sam to fall to his death, thus ending the film.

I’m lying to you. Michael Bay is making me into a liar.

No, Sam is, instead, caught by Optimus, very likely breaking several ribs on impact. This is the point where I realize that they’ve given Optimus fingernails. Sam clings to him like a baby koala, as Optimus parkours down the sides of two buildings, Megatron in pursuit. Megatron actually lands on Optimus 2/3rds of the way down, causing the both of them to fall onto the pavement below. How Sam survives this is a mystery.

Megatron recovers from the fall first, flicking a human away from him for having the audacity to exist in his space. The flicked person hits a car, and is almost assuredly dead. At least, I sure hope so, given that this is the director cameo by the Bayman himself.

Feminist icon Megatron?

Feminist icon Megatron.

Optimus comments on the fact that Sam almost fucking died to get the AllSpark out of dodge, and we get the return of “No Sacrifice, No Victory”. Which, I mean, I guess he’s allowed to say that, since he’s actually had to do something that warranted it. His dad doesn’t get to, though.

Optimus then tells this teenage boy, who has already had a hell of a day, to kill him by shoving the AllSpark into his robot-soul-heart, should he be unable to defeat Megatron.

I dunno, I just feel like it’s a bit of an ask.

Sam climbs off of Optimus so the Prime and Megatron can rumble. He runs through the ruined infrastructure of the city, so he’s less likely to be crushed. Optimus tells Megatron to square the fuck up, stating that “one shall stand, one shall fall.”

Then he gets ragdolled around a bunch, so maybe he should have saved the talk for later in the game.

The military is running around some more, stopping in an alley to see Blackout transform to root mode. Yes, the goo-goo eyes were indeed made by several members of the watch party that started this whole thing. People went wild for Rotor-Cape Johnson.

The fighter jets from the US military are arriving in a minute. Epps warns them to aim for the robots that aren’t evil. Lennox and the gang spread out, reminding each other to aim for the underboob, since Transformers’ armor is weak there. Epps marks Blackout with a little green light, which Blackout almost immediately notices. Blackout fires on the military.

Lennox has stolen a motorcycle and is driving through the streets to circle back around and jump off of the bike, sliding on his back to shoot Blackout directly in his underboob. Wonder what his uniform is rated for for road rash.

Sam is watching as Optimus gets his ass handed to him. Up in the sky, Starscream commits identity theft, and then attacks the Air Force. The Air Force can multitask however, and light Megatron the fuck up. Sam has, for some reason, come out of hiding, and Megatron uses this to his advantage, trying to take the AllSpark from him.

Optimus tells Sam to put the AllSpark in his chest, but Sam has a better idea. He shoves it into Megatron’s chest, which has been basically shot open at this point. Megatron makes a Space Invader noise, convulses a bit, then falls over dead.

Congrats on your first murder, Sam.

Optimus tells Megatron’s corpse that he got what was coming to him, then implies that they’re brothers. What flavor of brother isn’t established, but neither was basically anything between the two main faces of the franchise in this film, so it’s fine.

Ironhide walks up holding the two halves of Jazz. Optimus informs Sam that he now has a life-debt to this child. Whether or not Sam is absorbing any information at this point is up in the air. Mikaela shows up, with Bumblebee in tow.

In tow.

In tow-

Sam stares at her blankly. Mikaela stares back, making the pretty girl face. Man, what a great dynamic these two have.

Jazz is dead. That sucks. Optimus is handed his corpse to hold, while he thanks his new friends for helping out.

Then Bumblebee talks and he’s fucKING BRITISH.

Sam is obviously shocked by the fact that Bumblebee is British able to talk now, since not talking has been his whole thing up to this point. Optimus doesn’t let it phase him. Neither does Ratchet, despite having been working on Bumblebee’s throat injury for centuries at this point.

Bumblebee wants to stay on Earth with Sam. Optimus is just like whatever. Sam agrees to have a sweet Camaro from outer space.

Optimus pulls what is left of the AllSpark out of Megatron’s chest. I’m sure that’s not a setup for potential conflicts, not in the slightest.

Over in Washington, D.C., the US President has ordered Sector Seven be terminated, and all the Transformer corpses be disposed of. And by “disposed of” they mean “thrown into the ocean.” Dang, sure hope Earth signed some sort of agreement with the Transformers so that they never come to Earth again. You know, just be proactive about our galactic safety.

The Linkin Park kicks on, as Optimus gives us our bookend narration, telling us what the Autobots plan to do now that their race is at a genological dead end. As he does, we see Lennox reunite with his wife and child, who I had genuinely forgotten were in this movie.

Optimus is pretty chill with Cybertron dying out, because now they know about Earth. We get a shot of Sam and Mikaela making out, a shot that becomes more and more horrifying the further they zoom out, because they’re making out on top of Bumblebee. Who they KNOW is a sentient creature at this point.

And then it gets even worse, because the shot changes, and oh hey! Turns out that the rest of the Autobots were just chillin’ off to the side while this went down. Optimus continues his monologue, just walking around in his root mode as he tells all of Makeout Point how they’re “robots in disguise” now.

The monologue is actually a transmission he’s sending out into space, inviting any of his leftover pals to come kick it on Earth with them, because Earth is pretty cool.

And that’s where they leave us.

IT TOOK THREE PEOPLE TO WRITE THIS SCHLOCK.

So. Bayverse 1. A film showcasing xenophobia, misogyny, and toxic nationalism. It’s rough. Is it the worst film I’ve ever seen? Not even close, but it’s bad, and it was a huge deal at the time of release. Everyone was seeing it, everyone knew the actors and robots, everyone had a scene that they liked. Everyone was exposed to Bayverse, and as a result, a lot of people entered the Transformers franchise thinking that it was all like this.

And really, how far off would they have been in 2007?

When a franchise refuses to introduce female characters until years after being established, when all those female characters have the exact same body type, when a franchise hires misogynists to write stories, when it allows shit like “Prime’s Rib!” to be published- no wonder Michael Bay was approached to direct.

What a mess.

--------------------------

COMING SOON:

TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN (2009) - MEGAN FOX I AM SO FUCKING SORRY

TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON (2011) - WILL YOU JUST STAY DEAD

TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION (2014) - SHUT UP ABOUT THE LAW SHUT UP ABOUT THE LAW

TRANSFORMERS: THE LAST KNIGHT (2017) - ACTUALLY, FUCK CONTINUITY

#transformers #bayverse #part one #maccadam #Hannzreads #Hannzwatches #text post #long post #film analysis #off topic

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muwi-translates · 4 years ago

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Otomate Party 2019 Collar x Malice Drama “Reverse reality”

Short drama featured in Otopa 2019, this was also shown in the 2020 Otomate New Title Party livestream.

HEAVY BASE GAME SPOILERS. There’s also some minor spoilers AND a CG spoiler for -Unlimited-. Either way, don’t read this if you have not finished the first game.

Highly recommend that you watch while you read, it will 100% enhance the experience. It’s also because there are some ad-libs that are better experienced while you can see the voice actors and be able to hear the crowd. Here is a timestamped link to the section (if it doesn’t jump there, it starts at 15:23)

**Please don’t move this translation or claim it as your own.**

---

Yanagi: 20XX, December. Vicious events that have been committed in succession have disrupted social order. Known as the X-Day Incidents, we, who were former police officers, have been investigating--

Okazaki: Aha, wait, Yanagi-san~

Yanagi: Okazaki…Don’t interrupt others when they’re starting their monologue.

Okazaki: Sorry, but this time it doesn’t look like we need a very serious atmosphere.

Yanagi: What did you say?

Okazaki: The title seems to be wrong, it’s actually this:

[Title: It was just a dream]

Yanagi: What?

Okazaki: Shall I give you a summary then?

Okazaki: On a day in 20XX, a party was being held in a corner of Shinjuku. Thanks to the magic of Otopa (Otomate Party), in a place where time and space become twisted, a group of people who normally cannot meet have gathered…

---

Yanagi: An izakaya… no, I really don’t understand what’s—

Shiraishi: If it were just Yanagi-kun, Okazaki-kun and I…

Saeki: I feel like I’m intruding, sorry about that.

Mikuni: There should be no need to apologise. We were also forcibly brought here when we were busy.

Okazaki: Soooo… I believe that one is Ichika-chan’s co-worker from the police station, Saeki-kun, right?

Saeki: Yup.

Okazaki: And that one is the politician Mikuni-san?

Mikuni: Yes. I also know who you are very well. You’re the people from the detective agency who are investigating the X-Day incidents by yourselves. Since you’ve also been investigating the identity of the mastermind of Adonis, you must have discovered our involvement by now.

Yanagi: Hmph. Not gonna bother to hide it? Should I treat this as your confession?

Shiraishi: Hey, Yanagi-kun, you don’t have to think that much this time. All that about the incidents, arrests, they all don’t exist~

Yanagi: Excuse me?

Saeki: Ah, they told me before I came here, Today, let’s just throw away all that messy stuff from the main story. We can’t go dropping spoilers, yeah?

Okazaki: Haha, yup, it’s Otomate Party, after all.

Saeki: Yup, hehe~

Okazaki: So that means that it’s Saeki-kun and Mikuni-san’s first time meeting us, isn’t it?

Saeki: Ah, I know Shiraishi-san since he’s pretty famous in the Shinjuku station… but that’s about it.

Shiraishi: Ahaha… Mikuni-san, this should be fine, yes?

Mikuni: Are you trying to say that I should pretend I don’t know you, Num—

Shiraishi: Waitwaitwait… If you say it then what’s the point?

Yanagi: …Not enough...

Okazaki: Hm? Yanagi-kun, what’s wrong?

Shiraishi: Is there something wrong with your account book?

Yanagi: ...Not enough of Enomoto’s complaints...

Okazaki: Ah…. mm…. We do have a serious shortage of complaining.

Yanagi: Whatever. I can call you Mikuni, right?

Mikuni: Yes, even though I didn’t allow you to call me by name. The only one who has permission to do so is--

Shiraishi: S-S-Stop, didn’t we just say not to talk about the personal identity of that person today?

Yanagi: I can’t believe it… that Shiraishi’s thinking of other people?

Okazaki: Wait a second, Saeki-kun’s being left behind. I’m sorry, making you feel uncomfortable.

Saeki: It’s no problem, but… maybe I’m not meant to be here? You’re all important characters in the main story. I’m probably the youngest character amongst everyone here. Plus I’m just the friend of the protagonist.

Okazaki: What’s up with the weird reaction from the audience?

Saeki: You must be mistaken!

Okazaki: I must be! Haha~

Saeki: Hahaha

Okazaki: Ah, now that I remember, I’m so jealous you’re Ichika-chan’s coworker. I heard you two go out drinking together a lot.

Yanagi: That’s right, Saeki’s the only one who knows Hoshino well here.

Shiraishi: She’s still cautious with us, so I’m very interested in what kind of person she is.

Saeki: He~eh, Hosino’s pretty popular. But all I know is that she’s a really normal person. She’s always doing her best, and straightforwardly. Sometimes she can be discouraged and be in low spirits, but when she’s angry, she can be really scary. Ah! And when she gets drunk, she laughs a lot and gets really passionate when she talks to me.

Mikuni: …Is that it?

Saeki: Hm?

Mikuni: If Ichika Hoshino is as normal as you say then I believe she should not have been chosen by Adonis.

Yanagi: Oi, Mikuni, what do you mean?

Saeki: Oh… I don’t know how Adonis thinks, but I think she’s strong because she’s normal.

Mikuni: I don’t understand, even if I do want to, since she holds the key to us.

Saeki: Ahaha, to a brilliant politician like you, our worlds are completely different.

Shiraishi: ...Sorry, I can’t stand this anymore.

Yanagi: I can’t believe it… that Shiraishi’s losing his cool!

Okazaki: Truly a rare sight to behold.

Okazaki: That said, we’re in front of a gathering of girls, we shouldn’t be this aggressive. If our goal is to become friends, why don’t we play a game?

Shiraishi: Do you mean the friendship games that Okazaki-kun and Mineo-kun always play?

Yanagi: Those? It’s going to get more chaotic if so many people start drinking tequila.

Okazaki: Then what about a ‘revelation game’? We’ll reveal our true thoughts on the subject written on the back of these cards. And you have to answer the question no matter what it is.

Saeki: Oh, I like it! I’d be happy to get to know everyone better.

Mikuni: It’s of no loss to me if I get information from you.

Shiraishi: Then let’s go clockwise from Yanagi-kun.

Yanagi: Why do I have to go first? Nothing I can do about it-- IT’S MY TURN.

[Card: What kind of gestures do you like in a woman?]

Yanagi: Gestures? I haven’t really thought about it, something like tying long hair into a bun, I guess?

Saeki: Ah, I get that! It looks really nice when they’re wearing a yukata.

Shiraishi: Really? Should I tie my hair like that?

Yanagi: I didn’t ask.

Mikuni: I see. I’ll add this to the data we have on Aiji Yanagi.

Yanagi: I. Didn’t. Ask.

Okazaki: Then it’s my turn next. What’ll it be~?

[Card: What’s something you want a woman to say to you?]

Yanagi: Is this really about friendship?

Okazaki: Hm… I can feel the coercive energy of Otopa… it’s like... a heavy pressure.

Saeki: Okazaki-san looks like he’s pretty popular. I wanna learn from you.

Okazaki: Haha, you sound like Mineo-kun. Words I want to hear from a woman… Yanagi-san, it’s better to give a more restrained answer, right?

Yanagi: Yeah, it might be bad if you’re too careless, ah, but there’s still a chance. I’d rather you say something that can be visualised, it’s okay if you say something that can’t. Anyway, I’m leaving it up to you.

Okazaki: I’m just going to follow what’s in the script, then.

Okazaki: The golden phrase “I don’t want to go back”. If she said it like that, it would be impossible not to want her.

Shiraishi: I don’t get it, what kind of situation wouldn’t let her go home? Does she work at a bad company?

Mikuni: Perhaps her family situation is complicated?

Saeki: Uh, are you two really fully-grown men?

Yanagi: ...Enomoto… come here quickly… I’ll even take Namikawa (Daisuke)!

Shiraishi: It’s my turn next, right?

[Card: What kind of food do you want a woman to make for you?]

Shiraishi: Hm. Nothing in particular. I could just make it myself.

Okazaki: So dreamless! Shiraishi-san, you always eat such dull things. Don’t you ever crave some homemade food?

Shiraishi: Then Yanagi-kun will make something for me, so no.

Yanagi: Oi, I’m not your mother.

Mikuni: So Aiji Yanagi has the ability to win people’s hearts with good food. This cannot be underestimated.

Shiraishi: No matter how you say it, home made food is--

Saeki: [Slams his cup down] No! There’s stuff like meat and potato stew! And karage! That’s romantic!

Okazaki: Oh… Saeki-kun’s drunk. When did he drink that much?

Saeki: Pfft- I ain’t drunk! The night’s still young~!

Yanagi: The alcohol’s gone to his head, here, drink some water.

Mikuni: It might be better to lie down, come over here…

Saeki: Nuh-uh. I wanna play… the revelation game!!!

[Card: What’s your type of woman?]

Saeki: Ooh! My type of woman… let me think. Of course, she’s gotta be cute… has style, she’s good at cooking. Someone who’s usually honest, but sticks to their beliefs… and responsible with work.

Shiraishi: So someone who’s similar to you? Or someone who has the same type of thinking as you?

Okazaki: Also… this… sounds similar to Ichika-chan.

Saeki: Hm? Nah, we’re not like that--

Mikuni: --Enough. I should be going back soon.

Yanagi: Oi, what’s with you all of a sudden--

Okazaki: Ah… my vision… it’s weird… Yanagi-san...

Yanagi: What’s going on… this sound…

Shiraishi: Ah, is it over already?

Mikuni: We have fully obtained the information required for analysis. You must be satisfied too?

Okazaki: What… it hurts…--

---

Okazaki: *gasps* Huh? ...A dream? My bad, did I wake you up? No, I’m okay. I just had a weird dream. Good morning. Is your body okay? Last night I went too-- ah! Hehe, so cute~

I didn’t forget. Our promise that we were going on a date today. But I just want to hold you all the time, because you’re too cute. So cute it’s trouble.

If I kissed you like this outside you’d get angry at me, right? So… can you let me keep you all to myself just for a little longer?

---

Shiraishi: Hm? Was I asleep? I was reading to the children… it looks like I fell asleep when we were together. Eh? You were looking at my sleeping face? What’s that about, so unfair. You know I wanted to see yours too. I’ll see it someday. That’s right, there’s still ‘someday’ after this…

I still think it’s strange even now. If I hadn’t met you, I wouldn’t know that the sun was this warm, or that the breeze is so pleasant. Just holding hands with you makes my chest hurt. Even though I still have to make you feel lonely for a little while longer, don’t worry. Because we’re connected under the same sky.

---

Mikuni: Ah, it’s you. Are you reporting something for work? My complexion is bad? No… I just had a strange dream. How rare for you to worry about me. I know, this is just superficial rhetoric used by subordinates. However, after talking with you over these past few days, the way I deal with people seems to have changed.

I… quite clearly think that you are annoying, but I do not hate you. Even in a hell like this, the light in your eyes has not disappeared. It seems that I am drawn to your strength.

No… forget what I said. That was just a joke that will disappear one day like illusions.

---

Saeki: Ah, sorry, I was just a little dazed. ...Careful! Almost dropped the crepe. It’s already sunset, after we finish, we should go.

…! Don’t make that kind of expression. Hey, Hoshino. I know you’re at your wit’s end trying to figure out what path you want to take. You must have already decided in your heart, right?

I see… I’ll always support you no matter what decision you make. And… I’ll resist like you are until the very end, if this is the ‘justice’ you believe in.

It’s sad, but let’s finish our date here today. Hey, will you go on another with me?

Haha, how cold… I still want to be with you like this. That’s why, see you again.

---

Yanagi: ...It’s still night.... You’re awake? I sounded like I was in pain? ...I made you worry. It’s okay, it wasn’t the dream I usually have. ...It wasn’t the same, but I guess it was still a nightmare.

Can I hold you? It’s not that I feel uneasy. It’s just that I can feel peaceful when I can feel you next to me. As long as you’re smiling next to me, I can push away any nightmare no matter what it’s about. And I can believe that I can welcome the dawn the next day.

We have the day off today, don’t we? Let’s go somewhere. I want to walk with you, through the streets of the Shinjuku I love.

#otome #otome game #collar x malice #collar x malice unlimited #cxm #otomate #yanagi aiji #shiraishi kageyuki #okazaki kei #mytranslations

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moonlightgirl-05 · 5 years ago

Text

Ray Bad Ending Story 1 walkthrough + Bad Relationship 1 walktrough

Bad Ending Story 1 (5-6 days)

1. Get into Ray’s route from 1 - 4 days in Another story

Day 5:

00:21

* I can’t go to sleep. There’s something bothering me….

* Hmm… I’m sure he has an important thing planned.

* Whoa, whoa… Let’s take it easy, Jumin.

* Does your father have a new girlfriend…. ?

* Did you eat them all? I bet you’ve been pumped up lol

* Talk about his scale… Your father’s the best!

* Does that mean we’d get to see a cat tower in the company????

* … You actually have the time to make this print?

* I think motivation works best when it comes from pressure.

* I don’t think you have to worry about me

* No, nothing.

* You mean becoming a cool-headed businessman?

* Because then more people would get to see it?

* Jumin, when do you plan to get to bed?

* ….

* Do we really have to identify who the hacker is?

* Even if Seven gives his all, he’ll never be able to beat this hacker lol

* V…is this really the best?

* …You’re trying to keep your secret, not lighten his load.

* But I think you’re already good enough!

* …At least I appreciate that you’re working so hard.

* You’re not up to something with Seven, are you?

* I’ll see you again – !

* Well, I only wish everyone’s paradise will come soon

* I wish you wouldn’t underestimate that hacker.

* I agree…. V seems to have a very strong sense of responsibility.

* I should settle down now and go to sleep.

02:44

* It’s just that this hacker is a bit frustrating

* It’s just that….I feel frustrated for some reason.

* Because he told you not to chase the hacker?

* Sure…

* Guardian? Yeah right… I think he’s just busy cleaning up the mess.

* But you gotta admit you’re not as good as that hacker…

* You should be ashamed of yourself. And admit that the hacker is better than you.

* Are you sure we can trust V?

* Hmmm…I don’t think you should trust him too much.

* If you’re good to work, why not recommend a guest? LoL

* I wish she could write this complicated situation into poems… Sure, let’s invite her…. or I don’t know…. She doesn’t sound like a good guest. (If you don’t want the email)

* …Still, you won’t be able to defeat this hacker.

* Bye –

06:03

* Seven won’t be after you anymore… What do you think about that?

* I was surprised, actually. You’re weaker than I thought

* Arrogance results in misfortunes.

* Hmm…are you sure I’ll be safe here?

* I think you should work harder if you have time to chat like this.

* You should stop chatting and get to work now.

09:12

* Hey Yoosung

* That’s because your digestive system is failing.

* Huh…..

* You’re rude to your mother!

* You should do something about him…

* Yoosung, you should keep a regular lifestyle.

* They’re both bad. Both of you need special treatment for your health

* Who knows…? Maybe your face will turn all shiny and pretty like a sunflower!

* Your mother called?

* Your efforts will all return in the end.

* You should try it. You”d see in the end that your mother is right.

* Don’t you think you’re being obsessive…by keeping your questions, Yoosung?

* Even if you are disappointed, I think it’s because she’s your mother. Try to be a little more understanding.

* But V could almost be your family in the past.

* You should obey your mother. Your family might ask unreasonable things but they provide you a place to be

* But then again…you wouldn’t know the duty of a mother, Zen. Bond with a mother is indestructible…

* One more game?

* We can all have our own ways with life – !

* You’re being unreasonable.

* Goodbye.

* He’s so immature. I think it’s because he’s not with his parents.

* He’s being immature. Someone’s gotta teach him how cruel the world is.

* If I were you, I’ll try calling them. Don’t you think it’s such a tragedy to stay disconnected from your family?

* Goodbye.

12:21

* Hello.

* Not yet…

* Why were you so busy?

* You should work on things that got delayed while standing by.

* What meaning would that have? You’ve joined the company recently, it’ll be better if you think about […]

* Here’s your boss.

* Don’t you think you’re slacking off too much?

* Don’t tell me… Jumin… Do you have a new business in mind…?

* Caps.

* I don’t think anyone can beat this hacker.

* That’s not gonna happen…because no one’s as good as this hacker. ^^

* That’s nice…We can bring both of them to this…

* I feel like having the unit’s info for dinner…

* Though I’m sure you’d need more than that to defeat this hacker.

* Perhaps the department doesn’t exist at all…

* Good luck.

* I’m not sure…

* Could you fix my computer, Jaehee?

* Congrats – !!! Haha.

* You’re so generous.

* This is your chance. I look forward to your performance.

* You can’t beat this guy anyways. So don’t work too hard.

* There might be a difference of thoughts at work here. I understand.

14:37

* What are you doing, Seven?

* It’s the only way for him to stay.

* I’m okay. I got loads of time.

* I wanna see who would win this war.

* Save is good…! DB is more than welcome! or It sounds too tricky. I don’t know about DB…. (If you want the email)

* Your hand is so pretty….

* I wanna know what your hand looks like Zen lol

* Are you feeling better? You had an argument with Yoosung.

* There’s this term to call a person who talks like you…

* …In his personal Zen Report ver. 06.

* Dying-to-brag-about-something’ mood!

* So that means your practice begins now.

* That must be a lot of pressure… You should work a lot.

* You should know when to celebrate and not.

* You should be grateful for your present day!

* This is boring! I’m outta here!

* You should get to work. Now.

* You should stop making excuses and get to work.

* You’re not slacking off, are you?

* You still won’t be able to beat the hacker…

* He’s working without even sleeping. You think you can beat him?

* Is this woman your girlfriend?

* You’re feeling down because you should.

* Good luck.

* He should deal with it. It’s his job.

* Shouldn’t you practice right now?

* Have a good day.

16:13

* All his hard work is finally paying off. Now he has to work even harder.

* Why don’t you say that after you’re done with your duty?

* I wonder if he can really do it….

* Is musical that popular among the public?

* This is a person, right?

* I don’t know. An AI…? Sounds too difficult. or Okay! Let’s send an invitation. I’d like to learn a thing or two about ticketing. (If you want the email)

* I thought you have something more important than tickets.

* So long

17:45

* Hey Yoosung…

* LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

* Wow… I wonder what it tasts like. Let me know after you try a sip, Yoosung!

* Speak of the devil. LOLOL

* Oh GOD7… Is it not too late to buy stocks?

* Stocks come in 1+1? Smells fishy here…

* Seven, didn’t you say your’re busy? Do you have time to do pranks like this?

* He’s got a point lol

* I’m not interested in your hobby, Yoosung.

* Cooking?

* LOL

* Why don’t we now talk about GOD7’s dynamic business hobby? Give it up for Sevenstar Drink!

* You’re too fishy…. Whatever you’re selling, I’m not buying it.

* …Police won’t be good enough to stop him. I should report his agency…

* Sounds like an excuse to me.

* You should first do what you have to do with classes and work… You don’t deserve to rest if you don’t.

* Don’t waste your money on something like that.

* It’s too late for you. Forget it.

* That’s what the world wants us to do.

* I wish I could live without worrying about anything…

* Dream is nothing but a mirage.

* Since you’re giving advice…I assume you did your job well, Seven.

* Go back to work now.

* Bye…

* You should think about what to do in the future and plan accordingly

* He’s just…a different type of person from you.

* You should find ESL tutoring class instead of whining.

* Goodbye.

19:23

* What was that? You screw up just now, didn’t you?

* Looks like you’re full of faults.

* Work harder. So that I can see you’re useful.

* Okay. I’ll tell you, so first make sure you take care.

* Are you sure the savoir trusts you?

* I expect you to be better.

* I’ll see what I can do and let you know whether I like it or not.

* I also think that was a huge mistake.

* Do your best

* What is it?

* I’m not going to get in trouble because of you, am I?

* When does the elixir start to take effect?

* Don’t tell me what to do.

* I don’t like the menu.

* I’ll never leave you it you’re good enough.

* It’s a little cold.

* Keep up the good work.

21:13

* Welcome, Jumin.

* This is rather depressing, since I’m stuck in between…

* The hacker will win.

* I think it’s a waste of time…

* Patience is the key…

* Don’t you think you might prick your finger if you do it in your car?

* I think it’s better for you to review documents than stitching.

* What you lost in time never comes back. You should always focus on your every second.

* How did you get to know this person?

* Why don’t we invite Pillow Love? or Is that what you’re going to use the unit for…? Oh dear…Jaehee… (If you want the email)

* Why don’t you start with cats?

* That’s a simple naming…

* Sayonara…

23:09

* Are you still practicing, Zen?

* His hobby is his to choose –

* What’s your hobby, Zen?

* Job = hobby for you…?

* I think you should make a plan and practice accordingly.

* Shouldn’t you just do it until you make it?

* Why not ask Seven for help?

* Yoosung looks so immature. Why don’t you lecture him a bit?

* I think he shouldn’t waste his time like that.

* He’s living in a world where he has to be a hypocrite like others. I think I’d get mad if I were him.

* Whatever happens, I hope a person who hurts other will pay in the end.

* You should get to work!

* See you.

________________________________________________________________

Day 6:

00:55

* I’ve been waiting!

* That’s because you’re not working hard enough.

* Isn’t tomrrow the rehersal? Are you sure you’ll be fine?

* You’re nervous because you haven’t worked hard enough.

* LOLOL!

* You’re distracting Zen. Out!

* Lolol Zen I think you’re distracted.

* You didn’t even start your life outside of school. You already think life is pointless?

* You should always watch your behavoirs and obey the rules.

* The world is a dark place! Hopeless! With no light!

* I think he still has a long way to go until he matures.

* Oh, so this is the infamous…

* Lololololol

* What a repetition… It must have been boring.

* So…is that darkness of yours…still there in your heart?

* Think about how frustrated your parents will be with you.

* …..

* It’s bedtime for you.

* Back to practice you go, Zen

* I think you’re better off alone.

* Enjoy –

* You’re not making excuses because you’re tired of practicing, are you…?

* Have a good one.

03:17

* I had something to do.

* She said you need to do better than that.

* I have a feeling I’ll get along with her well.

* You’re not thinking anything funny, are you?

* That’s a bit creepy.

* I can drink it if I have to.

* I think you’re weak.

* Don’t make me hear such weak thoughts. I’m tired of them.

* You’re pathetic…

* Run along now.

* If you have time to show me this, you should work more on proving yourself.

* You should go. Now.

07:40

* I’m feeling gloomy…

* Situation?

* Do we have a trouble or something?

* Let’s hear it – !

* Don’t you think it’s so alarmingly sudden?

* V’s work must be awesome!

* I think you should first contact V about this.

* Maybe he wanted to get in touch with the prime minister for his grand personal plan…?

* What?

* He seems to be rather in a hurry….

* I think you’re all being overdramatic here

* What a joy, but I think V wouldn’t even bat an eye at the news.

* But he’s too high in the authorities. I’m getting nervous…

* I wish we could bring the prime minister to the RFA. That will be… so fantastic

* You do know you have less than a day till the rehersal, don’t you?

* See you.

* Maybe you should keep trying to reach him.

* It’s no wonder. They’re childhood friends.

* Congrats! The prime minister wants to buy your pictures

* Well, I am getting a bit frustrated. Isn’t it about time…?

* You should set the appointment now. Why don’t we bring him to the RFA?

* I hope the prime minister could be one of us.

* That’s just my opinion.

* I hope you consider bringing him to the RFA

* Yes…?

* Who?

10:23

* Jumin – ! You’re seeing the prime minister today, aren’t you?

* What a waste of few seconds of your life.

* Do you think there’ any meaning in temporary leisure…?

* But we can’t deny that social recognition comes before leisure. That’s unfortunate…

* I think break and hobby are the same… They prove how lazy a person is.

* I salute you, o wielder of life oh-so-empty…

* The pure essence of darkness… Oh, the might power of puberty…

* Don’t you think it’d be more lit…if the prime minister joins us?

* You must be nervous!

* You two shouldn’t get too involved in your hobbies and instead focus on your duties, with classes and work.

* Does it matter whether if you tell them apart? It’s just another way of wasting your time.

* …Anyways, I think slacking off is lazy and bad.

* Don’t ask me something like that.

* It’s a break when you do something without any thought. It’s a hobby when you use your head as you slack off.

* His world is different from ours. No need to understand him.

* That’s why we gotta choose our hobbies wisely.

* I don’t know. I’m not really interested in his philosophy… or I’m curious about him. Why don’t we invite him to the part and hear more from him? (If you want the email)

* I think hobbies are something out of our league. We should just balance work and break.

* Hmm…..

* I think that’s possible because her job is still her No. 1 priority.

* I don’t think parents are every wrong…

* Jumin, you actually know what ‘fangirling’ means?

* lololololololol

* I hope you make yourself useful.

* Do ask him about joining us…

* I think you need to get a grip on yourself.

* I don’t think this is the time for you to procrastinate.

* I’m gonna finish what I’m doing!

13:10

* I’m skipping today –

* How was it?

* The difference between talents isn’t something that can be overcome.

* Tell me about it…. I wish his pictures would see at high prices.

* How did your meeting go?

* You mean V lost this golden opportunity?

* I’m sure it’s related to that secret of his. Just what could it be?

* He just can’t tell apart his personal life from his business life, can he?

* Was the prime minster understanding?

* I think V is ill. Both his body and mind seem weak.

* I wouldn’t have let that opportunity slip away.

* He could have had a new recruit!

* Did you have a feel that V’s hiding something?

* Then that would mean we can trust him…!

* I wonder what he liked about V’s photos.

* I don’t think discussions on politicians’ looks have any particular meaning.

* I don’t know. I’ll side with the majority.

* I don’t think giant corporations will always assume the bad role in the economy, as long as there are good.

* I’m not really interested in politics.

* I didn’t know you were interesed in politics.

* I’ll see you again, Jumin.

* I think I’m close to conservative.

* Hmm, not really interested. or Good idea. I’d like to learn couple things from him too. (If you want the email)

* I’ll see you.

14:50

* Hey hey hey Yoosung

* You’ve barely done anything so far. I don’t think going to class will do any difference….

* I thought the only thing you do at night is playing games….

* You said you’d do it. Now there’s no point if you’re not the best.

* I thought you had a lot of thoughts the other day…..thinking about your dark, pointless life….

* Why don’t we change the subject? ^^

* Same here lol

* He’s got looks, good social standing, authority…. I think he has everything.

* V’s reason was kind of unreasonable….

* I think you lost your concentration here.

* Tomorrow’s the d-day for the rehersal.

* Don’t fall for such waste of time…..

* Welcome, Seven.

* Is there something wrong? It’s not related to the hacker, is it?

* You’re not relatives with the prime minister, are you? lololol

* I will…!

* I’m sure he’ll manage.

* I don’t think you have time to chat right now….

* ….I don’t think it’ll be really helpful even if Yoosung goes to help you.

* I’m not sure if this is a good idea….

* Focus on your class. Now.

* Now, back to your practices.

* A job is meant to be painful

* I want you to think about how to improve your acting before you come back.

16:37

* Why did you decline the offer for purchase?

* ….I think it’s fishy that you declined.

* Has anyone ever told you that the guilty tends to be talkative?

* V, why didn’t you invite the prime minister to join the RFA?

* Jumin, don’t you think that V and Seven…are really suspicious?

* Considering the weight of the secret burdening V, I think it’s amazing that he’s performing this much as the head

* Of course you feel complicated. You have too many secrets.

* …It looks kind of dark.

* At least there’s no doubt that flower doesn’t belong there…

* ...I think you should plant the daffodil somewhere else for the sake of the small flowers. They will suffer

* I think you’re being obsessive, V. I think the daffodil has reached a stage you can’t do anything about it….

* You should give up the daffodil. It will just ruin your garden.

* No. Rather than throwing away a problem, I think you should try to fix it until the end.

* Don’t you think we’d get to expect tomorrow because it can’t be predicted?

* You should give up if you can’t solve it.

* Come on, they don’t look alike at all.

* Explain to me later on.

* Do you honestly think….he really deserves the seat at the top of the RFA?

* Does he…still miss Rika?

* Tell him the solid truth!

* I don’t know.

18:52

* I think he’s trying to run away from reality… It’s kind of irresponsible of him.

* We should consider our audience’s state even when discussing truth, shouldn’t we….?

* Uhm….I tend to say truth indirectly, so that I won’t hurt anyone….

* Don’t you think you’re losing focus? I knew it….

* Don’t you think you’ll get disappointed in yourself if you ruin this?

* I don’t think being good is always right.

* Hello!

* What kind of wine are you drinking?

* I’ll say. I thought it’s easy.

* You shouldn’t do that to your family.

* I think everyone has evil within. You should awaken it, Zen.

* But Zen would be the master of potrayting good Dr. Zekyll. That’s his area of expertise….

* You’re good-looking. I’m sure you’ll look good with whatever expression.

* Nope he’s not.

* lolololol

* Is it your chief bodyguard?

* I knew it. You so smart, Jumin.

* Then tell him to send me an email! I’ll ask him. or I think he’ll just be busy working even if he attends the party…. Let’s just keep him working. (If you want the email)

* Hard work matters.

* Jumin, you’re leaving now?

* Bye –

* You sure are interested in Jumin a lot.

* Go practice now.

* Do your best.

20:49

* Are you whining to me?

* Aren’t you gonna work?

* You don’t even desreve to get excited.

* Do you even realize what the best really means?

* I wish you’d be different. I think you’re being a parrot here.

* You’re such a freak.

* You’re growing more pathetic the more I stay with you.

* I was talking to be nice to you. But since you say no, I can’t help it.

* You disappoint me every time….

* Really? Anything?

* So you’ll do whatever I tell you to do?

* Again with the please… I’m getting tired of this.

* You’re such an airhead. You’re so stupid.

* Just go away. You’re annoying.

21:21

* Welcome, Yoosung. Are you done with your classes?

* I don’t think that’s a dream…

* A bad dream!

* There’s barely a difference between love and hate.

* This world is dominated by capitalists… This world is a chose where sentiments cannot last!

* LOLOLOLOL

* The sun will rise again tomorrow. As if nothing happened. Proving how small our troubles are….

* Zen…are you sure you’ll find Yoosung helpful?

* White is your responsibility. I don’t understand why you’d ask for help.

* But beauty is something you’re born with…

* That’s right… No one can dare to match your beauty, Zen.

* But you should prepare for your future.

* Zen, admit that you’re not good enough!

* Narcissism doesn’t work with Yoosung the Sentimental.

* Nope you can’t help him.

* …This is tricky. Group project is another name for a little hell….

* You’re doomed…

* Are you gonna take this opportunity to master math?

* Then I think he’ll know a lot of math tricks useful in real life lol

* Oh! That’s good!

* Sure. I think I want to ask him something about math. or I don’t know. I think he’ll be busy trying to hunt for clients at the party… (If you want the email)

* Are you sure you enrolled in ones absolutely necessary?

* You’re a perfect husband material…!

* I think it’s because he didn’t get enough practice.

* Zen do you think you can count on Yoosung’s advice…?

* Make sure you don’t waste time…

* You think that can chance anything…?

* So there goes your sleep for the night.

Visual Novel #1:

* Who is it?

* (Open the door and check what’s outside)

* This is creepy. I hate someone like you

* I don’t need this. You should work If you have time to do this

* Why are you crying?

* Where are you going!?

23:19

* Are you done with work?

* Great work!!

* Zen and Yoosung would be practicing, so other than those two… Probably…?

* I think it’s better for him to do it alone…

* You’re here? Don’t tell me the hacker’s loafing around…

* So the fight isn’t over yet… I wish it’d be over quickly.

* I think the hacker is being lazy.

* I’m sorry I confused you a little here.

* If this is something illegal, I’m reporting it.

* And that hacker couldn’t beat you…? I think he’s no big deal.

* Do you like cars that much?

* …I knew it. You’re always up to something fishy.

* You’re kind of weird. Seven, but since you’re talented…I’ll give you a pass.

* I don’t think you have time to collect cars if you want to keep breathing.

* …But having a suspicious job isn’t a good thing. I think you shouldn’t let others know.

* I don’t know. That depends on how hard the hacker works…

* A true love’s kiss?

* You just won’t stop, will you…?

* Seven…

* This is reality…Don’t get your hopes too high.

* I’d like to know who’d win!

* Peace will only come after endless work.

* Goodbye.

Visual Novel #2:

* (Go outside)

* My savior... Weren’t you going somewhere?

* I don’t like that face of yours

* This is boring now

>> BAD ENDING STORY 1 <<

________________________________________________________________

Ray Bad Relationship Ending 1:

1. Get into Ray’s route from 1 - 4 days in Another story

2. Don’t participate in the chatrooms from 5 - 6 days

Visual Novel #1 - Day 6 after chatroom at 21 : 21

* (Opens the door)

* Come in, Ray

* Thank you, Ray

* Ray

* Where are you going!?

Don’t participate in the last chatroom at 23 : 19 and unlock the branch.

Visual Novel #2:

* (Go outside)

* Who is it?

* Where is Ray?

>> BAD RELATIONSHIP STORY 1 <<

#mystic mesenger #rayroute #unknown #saeranchoi

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idealisticrealism · 7 years ago

Text

Blindspot 3x02 recap

Aka the one where the team has to get their groove back

Ah, man. I always intend to do these straight after the ep but then damn life always gets in the way and now suddenly somehow it’s about 12 hours until the new episode airs… let’s see how quickly I can smash through this one then, huh? (Answer: not very quickly lol)

As usual, many thoughts to be found beneath the cut.

Look I’m not really a fan of hunters or white men who are overly attached to their weapons, but murdering a couple of dudes just because they stumbled upon your shady militant business seems a lil bit rough tbh

Ugh Weller is cooking for his lady he’s such a cutie pie and ugh Jane slept so deeply, when was the last time she slept well?? But ugh they’re really settling back into being around each other and HE COMPLIMENTS HER HAIR and tbh I like it best when it’s the classic ‘Jane Doe’ short look but this is super cute (and better than the wavy hair from last ep). And wow I feel like we’re burning through a lot of topics in this brief scene bc now they’re talking about how Jane disappearing pretty much bankrupted Weller (man, that’d have to add some guilt to the pile), and then it comes up that Jane is now vegan and tbh I have a slight problem with this new fact. Like okay being vegan is fine, but firstly they already had at least dinner together the night before, so this kinda should have already come up, right? And secondly I kinda feel like her being vegan now is just a somewhat clumsy way of the writers showing how these two have both ‘changed’ and ‘don’t really know each other like they used to’. I honestly expected her to be joking, and for that little joke to actually demonstrate that while they’re not exactly the same as they were, they also haven’t radically changed. But nevermind, I guess. It provided the necessary setup for Weller’s question about any other surprises-- following which Jane says nothing about the passports and cash she’d hidden-- which is what the writers really wanted to get out of this scene anyway.

Poor Stuart, Patterson really does not like sharing her lab. But technically he’s right, it is his lab too. And omg he and Zapata giving Patterson shit about her app is priceless. I think it might have been unintentional on his part but Zapata sure ran with it and I am loving her sly grin rn lol. But aw Patterson why you gotta growl at lil puppy Stuart so much?? He doesn’t have the tattoo solving experience you have, and plus, I seem to remember you obsessing over certain specific tattoos and getting distracted from the rest… though maybe the David experience put a stop to that, I guess, and you subconsciously don’t want Stuart to head down that same path. And then lol Weller strides in and tells Patterson he wants to solve one specific tattoo today and ooooh she is pissed, whereas Zapata’s having more fun rn than she did in her entire year at the CIA. I knew you missed this, girl. And then Weller says he solved part of the tatt and she’s immediately like ‘excuse me? By yourself?’ and looks doubtful (and also possibly concerned? It’s not something dodgy is it??). But omg “I’m not just a handsome face, Tasha” hahahaha. And yeah yeah we know about Roman and Berlin, though it’s news that there’s a specific sequence to these tattoos and that Roman is supposedly trying to help save the world. And now the team is crackin’ and ugh Patterson to Stuart “What a math whiz you are” and on one hand it’s funny but on the other c’mon mate, go easy on him. He’s barely more than a baby. Anyway ten she pulls some wizardy stuff with the tattoo and they figure out that it marks a spot up near the finger lakes. But then Jane realises that it may connect with the pre-existing tattoo in the same spot-- the left breast, apparently, thanks Stuart (next time answer a little slower, buddy) and omg she gives him this tiny, amused (but not mocking) smile as she repeats ‘left chest area’ and ugh I’m so glad to see someone being sweet to Stuart.

So the team updates Reade on the sitch, which feels a lil weird, and he’s hesitant to let them rush out and blindly follow the tattoos like Weller wants to, bc he’s worried about them being manipulated again, and oooh Weller gets all grumpy about it. Boys, boys, play nice. Jane gently convinces Reade into it, while Weller continues to grump. Dude, I don’t particularly think Reade should be in charge, but the fact of the matter is that he IS in charge, so you should be watching your tone. It doesn’t matter that you have inside info that this is a time-sensitive situation, that is still not a respectful way to address a superior officer. And then lol they go out and search for hours until Reade tries to make them go home “I don’t wanna just quit”/“it’s not quitting if it’s an order”. Lol poor guy, it’s like dealing with a bunch of headstrong kids some of the time. And then suddenly a satellite literally crash-lands right near them, and is pretty much immediately descended on by a bunch of military-esque guys. Notice that Weller is calling the shots again? Old habits die hard, I guess. Poor Reade….

Stuart is still obsessed with that same tattoo and PAtterson is still annoyed by it. Reade and Weller walk in with a chorus of ‘so what have you got?’ and again, Weller, time to back down, buddy. This ain’t your team anymore. Lol “we’re not following hunches”/“We just followed Weller’s hunch…” ugh poor beleaguered Stuart. He just can’t catch a break. And sigh, looks like Rich won’t be helping out this ep. Bummer. Ooooohhh but Reade gives the orders and then calls Weller into his office, who definitely has an odd look on his face as he looks at their reversed positions either side of the desk. And omg Reade brings up the tattoo and Weller’s all ‘oh yeah I was right about that’. Uh excuse me??? I’m not even on this team and even I don’t like your tone one bit, you insolent little preteen! Come on, Weller, this level of juvenile pettiness should be below you. After all, Reade is raising a very valid question about how it was that he just happened to solve the tattoo on the very day that the satellite fell-- which means he’s onto you, buddy. I’d be treading with a little more care and a little less jerkishness, if I were you….

Oh hi Sydney! Oh man when was this filmed??? I stg if they were there when I was there in September…. But oooh damn Roman is getting into some deep stuff here at this support group. Oh hey! I know that guy, he was in an ep of Timeless. And I think possibly in some Aussie ad? Idk. And yep, I don’t care if it’s my native accent, hearing it in an American show is always freakin weird. At least he’s a legit Aussie and not putting on a terrible fake accent haha. And ok I know he’s not but it kind of feels like he’s almost hitting on Roman haha? But in actuality I’m pretty sure Roman has orchestrated this whole thing. Also this dude lives in The Rocks??? He must be loaded, wow. And lol, it’s never too early for a beer in Australia, unless of course you’re me, in which case ‘never’ is too early for a beer haha.

Oooh boy, Stuart, it’s probably not a good idea to literally take the words out of Patterson’s mouth. She really does love briefing the team and showing how smart she is, which in this case involves her having figured out who the satellite belonged to. The representatives of ProtechSat arrive, though are greatly confused since they’re not missing a satellite-- at least, until they see the one in the lab. “Oh, this is for sure ours” hahaha. And then they proceed to have very restrained freakouts and make multiple phone calls as they realise exactly which satellite it was and what it did, while the team gets more and more impatient waiting for answers “getting a little suspicious here guys”/”lotta red flags” hahaha I love the sass in this team. And then lolll the whole ‘We’re from the DOD” exchange and the explaining of the acronyms is priceless. Turns out, though, that the US has a missile shield thingy via a network of satellites, and now with the black box from the crashed one, someone could technically turn it off. Lol at Tasha’s “great, now I have to make a phone call” haha. And Stuart suddenly gets the company name and damn I love this show’s subtle humour. Uh oh, apparently North Korea is priming their missiles, which means possible nuclear war. Geez, high stakes or what. Oh hold up, as long as a single satellite in the network stays functional, the shield stays in place. Who wants to bet that they stop the bad guys just as it counts down to one or two satellites left?? And then lol “stuart’s got something” “Really??” damn Patterson, be nice lol

Stuart has discovered the situation with the hunters, which leads them to a trail cam that shows the ringleader’s face-- and Jane knows him. She worked with him doing K&R, and knows several of his aliases. Reade is immediately thinking of the ramifications of her previous work, but Zapata and Patterson both immediately jump to her defense. Aw, my girls! And then Weller’s all grumpy again over this discovery and tbh I don’t understand why?? As far as I recall, he didn’t ever directly ask her what she’d been doing while she was gone, and rescuing kidnapping victims certainly doesn’t seem like a bad thing?? Like, so what if she worked with some questionable people for the greater good? Geez, Weller, you’re more hormonal in a single day than many girls are throughout their entire teenage years. Chill out, son.

Back in the motherland, these rather similar looking dudes are bonding over more beers, and ugh Roman is telling him the truth about Shepherd and Jane. “Half the time I want my sister back, half the time I want to kill her”--- who wants to bet that that’s going to be a running theme of the season lol? And then haha “you’re next beer’s going to be a water” uh mate he’s American, the beer he’s used to practically IS water loll

Jane finds Weller in the locker room to apologise, which imo isn’t warranted, but whatever. And he says that she ‘did what she had to do’ and I LOVE that she corrects him and tells him that she did it bc she WANTED to? That’s right, girl, don’t let him alter your narrative to fit his views. And then he judges her about people she may or may not have killed/let die and dude. Duuuude. You’re being an assssss. Good thing Patterson has found some info on their bad guy. Sidenote, but I think the writers managed to slip in a subtle dig about gun control in there and I’m super impressed? Anyhow Patterson shows them the guy’s safehouses she found, which Jane is immediately able to narrow down to one based on her skills and her personal knowledge of the guy. Nice work, honey! And then they bust in there and oooh “this is for Paris”-- ok I need that backstory right now, please and thank you. We see some Korean guys in a car who have apparently already discovered that their contact is blown, but they apparently have an ace up their sleeve. Uh oh….

Oooh Zapata is ranting to Patterson about ‘Assistant Director Reade’ and man it’s weird hearing her use his title. Patterson tries to highlight things from his perspective (with another lil jab from Tasha about her app making it in there haha) and then tells her she might just need to figure out a new balance, likening it to her own ‘friends who hate each other’ thing with Stuart, and Zapata’s all ‘yeah no he definitely doesn’t know that that’s what you are’ and Patterson suddenly feels all bad. As you should, honey, coz you’ve been kinda mean to him this whole time. But aww she says she’ll be better and fix things and ugh I love seeing my babies listen to each other and work to improve themselves. Of course all her good intentions do kind of go out the window when she discovers that Stuart is back to using their processing power on his pet tattoo, and advances on him so suddenly that he literally knocks stuff off his desk in his haste to back away. Ugh the poor kid is terrified of her, despite being practically twice her height haha. She does make a good point that the nukes are all still live and the threat is far from neutralised, though. And lol she refers to the hacker as a he and the ProtechSat guy pipes up in the background “Or she!” and Patterson is all, “Exactly, women can be hackers too, Stuart!” and omg I shouldn’t laugh but the poor guy is so flustered rn and totally scared of her, and Zapata is in the background with her face in her hand hahahaha.

Oooh Reade comes in and diffuses the situation by being completely oblivious to it haha, just as he misses the sass Tasha directs his way. Then he goes in to interrogate the dude they caught and lol when he suggests he’s the hacker the dude is all “Do I look like a nerd?” Ouch man, didn’t you know anyone can be a hacker? Lol. And then “is that the good Korea, or the bad one?” okay I kinda like this guy haha, can we see more of him? Weller is definitely less impressed, taking the opportunity to shame Jane a little more for her past career choices, and dude you better get down off of that high horse before you FALL off of it. You’re hardly one with any right to be throwing stones here. But at she stands her ground, and he backs off a little. You go, Jane.

Oooh Reade is getting a pep talk from Hirst; she thinks he’s overcompensating now that the team is back. Well, that’s probably true. But on the other hand, certain members of his team (*cough* Weller *cough*) are also being prigs. Speaking of people who are being butts today, the bad dude (who is a butt) gets a visit from Jane (who has a nice butt) and there’s lots of sass being thrown around-- “I liked you better when you were unaffiliated” “Funny, I never liked you at all” hahaha yaaaassss my queeeeennnn. Oooh but hold on, he knew about her bounty? And didn’t act on it, due to a mysterious person called Clem telling him not to touch her. Wow, Clem must be powerful. They’re probably a dude, too, but just saying I have an Aunty Clem and though she’s a 5ft nutritionist with a pixie cut and giant glasses, I could totally see her as a mastermind/commander figure haha. I guess they already did the ‘Surprise! This character you’ve been hearing about is actually a woman!’ reveal with Shepherd tho. But anyhow based on Jane’s chat with her old work buddy, there may be a leak in the team-- and of course the first suspect is the ProtechSat guy who happens to be a POC. Original. It’s only when he has an alibi--- sidenote, why was he at the hospital overnight I really wanna know-- that anyone even remembers that oh yeah, he has a colleague who has also been there the whole time, and who they now know had the means to frame him. But I mean she’s a pretty white lady, so who could blame them for not suspecting her til now? (#me #Icould) Aaand now the innocent lil white lady just killed two poor dudes and is about to give the baddies the means to nuke the whole country. Good work, team.

Back by the bay, the beardy boys are bonding beautifully. Poor Aussie dude just really wants to make sure Roman isn’t a risk to himself-- but he doesn’t realise that he’s the one at risk. Roman deliberately targeted him, drugged him and is about to kill him. And ughhh the poor guy is all ‘I don’t wanna die’ and Roman seems to almost regret that he has to do it bc he seems to genuinely like him and duuuude just don’t do it! Don’t kill him! Be a better person!

The ProtechSat guy helped them figure out where the hacker chick is, which I’m super satisfied by bc the guy that they wrongly accused has now just helped save their asses. And Jeller are racing there, and Jane tells Weller she loves him, but it’s with a look of almost trepidation on her face, like when a dog thinks you’re mad at them so they’ll come up and lick your hand and try to be extra cute and lovable. At least Weller immediately says it back, then reassures her that he’s not mad at her, but at Roman for orchestrating all this, and tells her that they can’t let him drive them apart. Mmmm-hmmmm, this is the time when you mention that you ALSO have something to confess, boy! But nope, looks like we’re not free of the hypocrisy yet. Anyhow the team dashes into the building (awkwardly hiding their guns from all the kiddies), guided by Patterson to the planetarium where they find a dead Marcy. Also the voiceover narrating about asteroids and meteorites sounds very much like it’s an analogy for this show’s characters… meanwhile the team is suddenly being shot at, a (male or female, thanks guys) hacker is shutting down all the satellites, Patterson is yelling… it’s just like old times. And finally the team functions like old times, and Reade and Tasha manage to cover Jeller long enough for them to go and take out the hacker and his guards in a kickass lil showdown-- leaving them with two satellites playing Atlas and holding the whole thing together. Lol at Reade losing his comms and being like ‘So did we win or did we get nuked?’ haha. And then awwww the team’s all gathered back at the lab and Reade is giving a lil speech and I’m so proud of them. Also no drinking in the lab is a new rule-- I feel like this was somehow put in place because of Rich haha.

Aw, damn, Roman really killed him. Well, that sucks. But he needed his identity or whatever, so fine. But omg it’s hilarious watching Luke pretend to ‘learn’ how to speak with his own native accent haha. Also when are they going to explain the absence of the scar???

Oh boy. Weller is cooking tofu sticks, which is not going at all well, but it’s a sweet gesture. And yet again I kind of expect Jane to say she was joking about the whole vegan thing, idk why lol. But ugh he’s all ‘I’m trying so hard’ and I really do feel bad for him rn. He’s scared that bc there’s so much about her now that he wasn’t part of, that it will mean he’ll never really have her back or something. But um dude, literally everyone else in the world is with someone who has years of experiences that don’t include them?? Like with her memory wipe, her entire existence is pretty much only like 4 years long at this point, and she was with you for 2 and a half of those. Most people are with someone who lived twenty or more years before knowing them. So I suggest you reassess a bit here, buddy. But then again I know you’re only scared of losing her again, which is probably a fear you’ll carry forever (which as we know, is a situation I am displeased with the writers about). But ugh Jane basically suggests going out on a date which is cute, and Weller’s all ‘no go we’re broke’, and she’s all ‘well actually’ and shows him her giant stash’o’cash. And it’s one of those bittersweet moments bc yes she kept it from him but she was keeping it for an emergency, and had likely planned to tell him once she had realised how dire things had gotten financially. Thankfully Weller decides to focus on the positive, and well, they don’t make it to that date….

Awww Tasha shows up at Reade’s apartment and there’s sass and it’s cute and he apologises and then she’s all oooohhh you’re on a date?? But NO OMG he has a GIRLFRIEND and she looks VERY FAMILIAR and ooooohhhhhhhhhh boyyyyyyyy this is gonna get awkwardddddddddddd

Meanwhile Patterson is repeatedly calling Stuart to try to apologise and explain her recent behaviour which I really approve of and appreciate, and ugh she tells him he’s good at his job and ugh she’s actually gone to his apartment to see him but oh shit the door is busted in and please tell me he just went back to the lab to work late please please please oh shit oh nooooooooooooooo. Stuarttttttttttttt!! Oh my baby this is so unfair, you deserved so much better…. (Also poor Patterson ugh)

#Blindspot #Blindspot recap #Jeller #Nooooo Stuarttttt #:((((

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